#society is lying to ourselves if we keep trying to push that line

[darling-i-read-it]

Marguerite Baker

Part 3

RE7 Rewrite Masterlist

Ethan Winters x fem!reader

Word Count: 2.9k

Warnings: spoilers for re7, violence, injuries, blood, gross rotted stuff, marguerites boss battle so gross sack thing, bugs, injuries

Author’s Note: I am having a ton of fun with this! At the time of me writing this I haven’t posted any of the parts lol so hopefully you all are enjoying it as well!

Some of these lines are directly from the game so they may sound familiar.

Summary: Getting the serum recipe, going through the old house, killing Marguerite and getting the D-series arm.

I don’t own these characters. They belong to author/director/creator. Some of these lines are directly from the game so they may sound familiar.

(not my gif) (i'm not posting any pics of marguerites boss fight cause I know a lot of people are super grossed out with it and I don't blame them lol)

Ethan dozed off in the trailer. You sat on the counter, counting each and every bullet the two of you had together. You looked around at everything in the trailer. You were fairly certain it was Zoe’s. She had left behind a couple extra weapons and bullets that you scrounged together.

Ethan began to stir after about 30 minutes of sleep. He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. You handed him a water bottle you had found in Zoe’s fridge. He took it gratefully and drank about half of it. He ran his hands through his hair, taking a deep breath as you handed him all of his stuff back.

“We have to go to the old house,” you told him. He nodded.

“Did you get any sleep?” You shook your head.

“I didn’t want any. I’m too hyped up on adrenaline. The second we get out of here I’m going to crash for days.” He laughed a bit and nodded, standing up. He got himself situated. He got himself together, looking you up and down. You were both dirty and worn from the entire situation. You looked like you were about to collapse if you closed your eyes, your gaze wide. You opened the door a bit and looked around outside.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked. You shrugged and grabbed a gun.

“I don’t know what else we can do. We’ll get lost without Zoe.”

“That’s a good point.”

“I’m the brains, you're the brawn babe.” He rolled his eyes and looked himself up and down. He was scrawny. He barely had any muscle on him. “We share the brain and brawn then. Come on.”

====

The two of you made your way to the old house. It was the same place you had seen Mia go in the video she made for the two of you. You had some idea where you had to go then. You just had to find the serum. That was it.

You stayed close together as you walked through the place. You found some extra weapons along with things that you could use back at the house. You were quick and as quiet as you could be, only speaking when you needed to speak. As you entered one of the rooms you picked up a piece of paper that was lying on the table. You read through it quickly.

“The mothers name is Marguerite. The man is Jack, which we know and the boy is Lucas,” you said quietly. “Seemed like they were a regular family before all this. I wonder what went wrong,” you whispered. He nodded and looked over your head at the paper.

“Must have been something huge.”

“No shit.”

Suddenly something rammed into the gate wall behind you. You and Ethan turned around quickly, him standing between you and the gate. Mia was there, her hands through the holes. She looked desperate.

“Ethan!” she said breathily.

“Mia!” you said mockingly. “Are you going to try and kill us again?” Ethan grabbed your arm.

“That wasn’t me...I’m sorry,” she tried to say.

“No more bullshit Mia. I want some answers. Y/N told me what you told her but I know there’s more,” Ethan said.

“I know, I know you’re right. And I always wanted to tell you but I can only remember a little and the rest is gone!” Behind her Lucas appeared from the corner, grabbing her tightly and pulling her back.

“Daddy right? Who are you, you precious thing?” Lucas stuck his head out at you, a disgusting smile on his face. “We would get along,” he muttered. Ethan blocked Lucas’s view of you as he slinked away. “Well don’t just stand there Ethan! Do something.” Mia yelled for help and the door shut. You moved aside and looked at where she had just gone.

“That guy seems like a dick. We would not get along.” Ethan scoffed.

“Come on. We have to get that fucking serum.”

====

The two of you made it through to the other side of the old house just in time for Marguerite to push you down a hole in the ground. You figured you would have plenty of time to get in and out but she had caught you.

As you landed in the wet ground underneath the house, you felt the wind get knocked out of you. Marguerite's bugs flew down and beside you Ethan was standing. He used the fire thrower to the best of his ability and without even standing up you shot Marguerite in the face. She stumbled back and then forward, falling into the hole with the both of you. You screeched, quickly climbing up. Ethan was hot on your tails. Marguerite slinked away underneath you into the rest of the underground of the house.

He held tightly onto your arm, letting out a loud annoyed sigh.

“She’s nice,” you muttered.

“Not a great cook though.” You laughed and nodded. “Are you alright?” You nodded curtly.

“I think. You?” He nodded, holding up his hand.

“Still stapled on.” You rolled your eyes and turned around, walking back up the stairs. You opened the door that she had stopped you from opening. It opened up carefully and you were able to step inside. There were a lot of hanging baby dolls. In between some candles was a box. You rushed over to it and opened it up.

There seemed to be some sort of bones inside, along with a vile. On the back of the lid was some sort of recipe.

“D-series cranial nerve and D-series peripheral nerve,” you muttered aloud. “This is just the recipe for the serum, not the serum itself.” He let out a groan.

“Awesome.” The phone behind the two of you rang.

“If she knew where the phone was she should have come here herself,” you muttered. Ethan picked it up and you leaned against it so you could hear.

“Well? Did you find the serum?” she asked.

“We just got done dealing with your mom and her fucking bugs. Wish you could have warned me.”

“Sorry about that. What about the serum?”

“Haven’t found any but we did find out how to make one. A D-series head and arm. That can’t be right,” he muttered.

“A head? I think I have that around here somewhere.”

“You do?” he said incredulously.

“I don’t know about the arm though. Have you searched the whole house?”

“No not yet. We still have to check the second floor.”

“Alright, check it out. No funny business you two we’re on a mission.” You rolled your eyes.

“We’ll try to keep our hands to ourselves. We’ll meet you at the trailer if we find it.” He hung up the phone. Before he could even say anything you ventured further into the second floor. It wasn’t long before you found a door that had a single lantern on it.

“Looks like we need the other lantern,” you said aloud.

“This is why you’re the brains.” You rolled your eyes.

“Marguerite had one when she went down there.”

“I am not going down there.”

“You may have to.” The two of you walked back to where the hole in the ground one and saw the lantern just before Marguerite's impossibly long arms came to take it away. You let out a shaky sigh and gestured to him.

“Man first. We live in a patriarchal society.”

“I hate you.” He climbed the ladder down and looked around before you even thought about going down. You waited for a minute and he gestured for you to follow. You were careful as you went down and noticed Marguerite had some sort of pathway for the two of you to follow.

You went down that and came up to a green house of sorts. You went inside warily, guns raised. You and Ethan shared one last look before going up the stairs.

Marugite crashed through the window, causing you both to fall backwards. She gave you an intense look, her long limbs reaching around you.

“I’m her mother. Not you!” She hurried away. You and Ethan quickly regained your balance and held up your guns.

“Did you see her-”

“Yeah.” You swallowed hard and went up the stairs.

It took you and Ethan a good amount of time to get through her. But you had the grenades and Ethan had the flame thrower. Between the two of you, it took longer than it should have. She blew up after some time, leaving behind only her lantern.

You picked it up.

“Just fucking stay dead okay?!” Ethan said, out of breath. You nodded.

“I second that. Let’s just go and get the arm okay?” He swallowed, looking over at you. You watched as his eyes went big. “What?”

“Your chest.” You looked down and saw blood was pooling around your chest and shoulder area. Your eyes went wide as well as the pain hit you. Marguerite must have gotten you and you hadn’t even noticed with all the adrenaline. Ethan quickly rushed over to you and put his hand on your shoulder. “We’re going back to the trailer so I can look at this.” You nodded and let him help you walk out of the green house.

It was a very short walk to the trailer. He sat you down on the bed and kneeled in front of you. He tugged at the hem of your shirt.

“At least buy me dinner first,” you said through a groan. He gave you a look and he helped you take the shirt off. You had a large gash from your collarbone to your arm. Ethan winced just at the sight of it. He pulled out some of the first aid he had found.

“This is going to hurt.” You nodded as he poured something on it. You winced through gritted teeth. He pulled out some bandages. “You aren’t dying on me now, I don’t care what you say.”

“You held your own pretty good back there,” you admitted.

“Yeah, with your help.” You watched as he focused his eyes on your wound. He looked so intense. You had always liked Ethan but when Mia went missing he was all you knew. As you stared into his eyes you thought maybe you had always loved him.

Loved him?

It hit you like a bag of bricks. You took a short breath in and Ethan just assumed it was the pain. You had to look away as you felt yourself get flustered. He was your best friend's husband. But she had been gone for three years and she was always gone before that anyway. You found it in yourself to look back at him. He was smiling slightly up at you.

“It’s the best I can do.”

“It’s great,” you said. “I already feel better. Thank you Doctor Winters.”

“Just doin my job.” You swallowed and stood up. He grabbed your arm, shaking his head.

“You aren’t going with me. I can get the arm.” You shook your head more aggressively than him.

“I’m not letting you go alone.”

“You just said I could hold my own.”

“And you admitted you needed me.”

His hand was firm on your arm. You stared into each other's eyes and suddenly it was so obvious you had always loved him. That's why you came. Sure, you hoped Mia was okay but truthfully you couldn’t let him die if you could help it. The way he laughed and the way he hated beer but drank it anyway and the way he reloaded a gun was weird and the way he looked at you.

“I’ll be okay. Get some rest. Hopefully Zoe will come here before I do.” He let your arm go. He had felt the tension.

You were getting so dizzy from blood loss you had to sit down.

“I’ll be right back,” he said. You reached forward and held his hand.

“Please be safe Ethan.” He nodded curtly and left the trailer. You put your head down on the pillow and let yourself breathe evenly.

====

Ethan returned with the D-series arm only a half an hour later. Zoe was still not there. You were sleeping peacefully on the bed, your face finally at peace. He watched you for a moment. You were his only friend over this whole Mia thing. Most of his friends beforehand had left him when he got super into trying to find her but not you.

And then you told him everything and it all kinda changed.

He leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. If you died...he couldn’t deal with it. You were his best friend. He...he loved you. He didn’t want to admit it to himself because of Mia but he really truly did. He ran his hand over his face, letting that settle in.

Suddenly the phone rang, waking you up. Ethan turned quickly and picked it up.

“Now where the hell are you? You know what, nevermind. We only need the head and you’ve got it.” You stood up and walked over, putting your head against the phone like you usually did.

“Hey buddy!” You let out an annoyed sigh. Lucas. “I thought you should know. I decided Zoe needed a time out. She and Mia are here with me. And they’re keeping each other company.”

“Just let them both go, what do you need them for?!”

“That’s family business Ethan! Not your concern understand? Now. If you want the head feel free to come by any time and I’ll give it to ya! But only if you participate in a little activity I put together for you two!”

“Where are they?” he asked.

“I know you’re excited! But don’t worry! It's not going anywhere. First step I need you to take partner is for you to take a look in that fridge there.”

“Fuck you.”

“Oh come on now, don’t be like that. You wanna have fun don’t ya? Now look in the fridge.” Lucas hung up. You gave Ethan a look. Ethan put the phone down. You walked over to the fridge and found inside the deputies head. You scoffed.

“This guy again. Man.” You picked it up, wincing at the pain and the smell. On the back of his head was a note. “‘The pig is waiting for you in the dissection room bitch,’” you read. “Now that’s not very nice,” you muttered, putting the head back in the fridge. Ethan let out an annoyed sigh.

“This can’t ever be easy can it?”

“Hell no.” He gestured to your arm .

“How are you feeling?” You shrugged then winced.

“It’ll heal nicely,” you muttered. “How was getting the arm?” He showed it to you, waving it around as he spoke.

“Weird. I thought I saw a little girl and there were all these childrens toys. I got out of there quick though.” He put the arm down and walked up to you. “Let’s change the bandages and then we’ll go to the dissection room.”

“Bitch,” you mocked. Ethan laughed, raising his hands up to your shoulder. You sat down on the table and let him take a look.

“You aren’t lookin too good,” he muttered.

“You should never say that to a lady.” He rolled his eyes.

“You always look stunning. Even covered in blood and dirt.”

“Aw Ethan, thank you. Right back at you.” He put a new bandage on and you watched him do it. If he had looked in your eyes he would have seen the metaphorical hearts coming out of them. Finally he looked back up at your face.

“You should be okay now.”

“Thank you,” you said genuinely. He nodded curtly and stood back. “Can I ask you something?” He nodded. “Are you going to stay with Mia if she gets out of here alive?”

“Don’t ask me that,” he muttered.

“Why?”

“Because you’re messing with my vows by the answer I wanna give you.” You smiled a bit, looking down. “We have to go get whatever he left for us. Come on.” You nodded and stood up. You almost tripped forward from dizziness and he grabbed your healthy arm to keep you steady. Your faces were mere centimeters away. You looked into each other's eyes and he couldn’t help himself.

He kissed you.

Suddenly the pain from your arm was gone. You melted into his lips. He pulled away and froze. Your eyes went wide.

“Did you mean-”

“Yes.”

With that he walked out the trailer door to the dissection room.

Part 4

#ethan winters x reader #ethan winters imagines #resident evil imagines

[dancedancerevolution2020]

how to begin // disorientation

“It matters how we arrive at the places we do.” (2)

“Orientations are about how we begin; how we proceed from ‘here’, which affects how ‘there’ appears, how it presents itself.” (8)

I’m writing this at the beginning of my independent study, curious about how to proceed. The ‘here’ of the internet. 

I am beginning: in a spirit of inquiry, curiosity, creativity.

Orientations are not simply given. When we orient towards some thing or some one, we are also turning away from something. As Ahmed says, what is present or near is not “casual”, but has appeared because of certain lines followed, paths taken or not. 

The writing table: “In this book, I bring the table to ‘the front’ of the writing in part to show how ‘what’ we think ‘from’ is an orientation device. By bringing what is ‘behind’ to the front, we might queer phenomenology by creating a new angle” (4). Ahmed is calling for a politics of location, intersectionality, being situated. To queer phenomenology would be to acknowledge where one is beginning, bringing what is usually in the background to the front and thus creating a different angle, a different dialogue. 

“After all, phenomenology is full of queer moments; as moments of disorientation that Maurice Merleau-Ponty suggests involve not only ‘the intellectual experience of disorder, but the vital experience of giddiness and nausea, which is the awareness of our contingency, and the horror with which it fills us’“ (4). 

“When we are orientated, we might not even notice that we are orientated: we might not even think ‘to think’ about this point.” (5) 

“It is by understanding how we become orientated in moments of disorientation that we might learn what it means to be orientated in the first place.” (6)

I walk in to the studio. Where do I face? What do I do? Do I start on the ground? standing? with music? Lately I have been using this score of “bad dancing” because it makes me question and look at what I think is “good dancing”. One way to look at where I am oriented.

I think that all practices of somatics are in essence practices of disorientation. When I arrive at a somatic practice I am often not aware of how I hold my body and move through the world. Or, I am aware, but it has become so natural and habitual to me that I no longer feel it as new, unique. The experience has faded to the background. By feeling, thinking, and moving differently my sense of self is (at least momentarily) shaken loose. I remember my first Feldenkrais lesson in which we balanced books on our feet for an hour. When I got up, I felt like I’d been given a new pair of feet they were so alien, alive, and richly complex.

How can somatics remain flexible and rooted in community practices as opposed to rigidly codified systems? We are not given a body that we then have to try to discover the user manual for, but instead are a body and are continually investigating ourselves and our way of moving through the world.

Side note: I find it interesting that somatics often relies on others, either people or objects, to disorient. I’m interested in this inherent relationality. We need another in order to see and feel differently. 

Desire / Lines

“The lines we follow might also function as forms of ‘alignment’, or as ways of being in line with others.” (15)

“Following lines also involves forms of social investment. Such investments ‘promise’ return (if we follow this line, then ‘this’ of ‘that’ will follow), which might sustain the very will to keep going. Through such investments in the promise of return, subjects reproduce the lines that they follow” (17). Inheritance, wealth, safety. Codified structures. Pathways. Certain ways of being that we know white supremacy and capitalism will reward.

Can desire function as a kind of guiding principle (note to self: read adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism next). Pleasure guiding scholarship and research. 

What do I choose to practice? How do these practices shape me? 

I am reminded of one of the first pages in Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower:

“All that you touch You Change. All that you Change Changes you. The only lasting truth Is Change. God Is Change.“

((I take a brief diversion to look up adrienne maree brown’s definition of “somatics” in her book Pleasure Activism)

(sidebar: listen to new podcast with adrienne maree brown and Toshi Reagon where they discuss Parable of the Sower: http://adriennemareebrown.net/tag/octavias-parables/)

“Somatics is: a path, a methodology, a change theory, by which we can embody transformation, individually and collectively. Embodied transformation is foundational change that shows in our actions, ways of being, relating, and perceiving. It is transformation that sustains over time. Somatics pragmatically supports our values and actions becoming aligned. It helps us to develop depth and the capacity to feel ourselves, each other and life around us...Somatics is a practice-able theory of change that can move us toward individual, community, and collective liberation.” (17)

I notice the use of the words change and transformation. Within oneself and one’s community and society. Concentric rings. We cannot just focus on ourselves. A theory of change and transformation -- not seeking a rigid neutrality. Balance is never still but always slightly oscillating. 

The Orient and Other Others (Queer Phenomenology Chapter 3)

“And then the occasion arose when I had to meet the white man’s eyes. A unfamiliar weight burdened me. The real world challenged my claims. In the white world the man of color encounters difficulties in the development of his body schema. Consciousness of the body is solely a negating activity. It is a third-person consciousness. The body is surrounded by an atmosphere of uncertainty. I know that if I want to smoke, I shall have to reach out my right arm and take the pack of cigarettes lying at the other end of the table. The matches, however, are in the drawer on the left, and I shall have to lean back slightly. And all these movements are made not out of habit, but out of implicit knowledge.” - Frantz Fanon, Black Skin, White Masks

Bodily awareness - 

I recently had a conversation in which we discussed intention and reception (in regard to someone not wearing a mask because they were unaware of the science behind it *extreme eye roll*). Privilege is not having to think about how something is received. It is feeling comfortable that your good intention will be seen and not having to think far enough ahead to reception. 

“Where phenomenology attends to the tactile, vestibular, kinesthetic, and visual character of embodied reality, Fanon asks us to think of the ‘historic-racial’ scheme, which is, importantly, ‘below it’.” (110)

“For Fanon, racism ‘stops’ black bodies inhabiting space by extending through objects and others; the familiarity of ‘the white world’, as a world we know implicitly, ‘disorients’ black bodies such that they cease to know where to find things--reduced as they are to things among things. Racism ensures that the black gaze returns to the black body, which is not a loving return but rather follows the line of the hostile white gaze. The disorientation affected by racism diminishes capacity for action. For Fanon, racism ‘interrupts’ the corporeal schema.” (111) I write these words and recognize the wisdom and learning in them but I also want to push back or question a little bit. I wonder about Ahmed taking away agency in this section of writing. Or rather, I wonder, as some things are not as in reach or possible when Black, what other things that are not in the white imagination become available? 

“process of racialization...consider racism as an ongoing and unfinished history, which orientates bodies in specific directions, affecting how they ‘take up’ space” (111). I really appreciate this reframing of racism as a process. It is active, we are active. But we can also bring attention to and redirect this activity. Racism is not a structure we are passively sitting inside of, that exists outside of us. 

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

The Farewell

I love late summer when all the Sundance selections start filtering in through the indie studios that bought the rights because that means I can have a day like Sunday in which I enjoyed the double feature of Hobbs and Shaw and The Farewell. I contain multitudes, y’all.

The Farewell is the second film from director Lulu Wang, “based on an actual lie” that Wang’s family told to her grandma, Nai Nai. When Nai Nai (Shuzhen Zhou) develops stage 4 lung cancer, her entire family decides to keep the diagnosis from her, telling her the test results only indicate “benign shadows.” But in an effort to see her and say goodbye to her one last time, they organize a family reunion in the form of a shotgun wedding so everyone can travel to China and spend time with her. Billi (Awkwafina) is having the hardest time out of everyone with the idea of lying to her beloved grandmother and much of the movie focuses on her struggle to straddle the cultural and familial expectations placed on her as a Chinese immigrant who was raised as an American. This movie has a 99% on Rotten Tomatoes and was one of the best-received critical darlings to come out of Sundance, so I had really high hopes going in, and you know what they say about high hopes...they’ll crush your spirit. Did this film do that? Well...

I’m pleased to report that it was just as engaging and emotionally rich as I had hoped. It’s funny, it’s mournful, and it engages with some of the most difficult and essential questions of the human condition - namely, what does it mean to take care of other people? What is our responsibility to our families vs. ourselves? And is it better to lie to protect someone or tell the truth and hurt them?

Some thoughts:

Everyone is talking about Awkawafina’s performance, which is EXCELLENT, don’t get me wrong. She gets to explore a lot of range beyond what people have seen from her so far in Ocean’s 8 or Crazy Rich Asians. But to me, the star of the show is actually Shuzhen Zhou as Nai Nai. The movie doesn’t work without Nai Nai’s indomitable presence and the love and devotion her family feels for her. She embodies the spirit of every classic grandma - pushing food on Billi, trying to set her up with cute single doctors, bossing everyone around - but she is also a fully realized person who fears being lonely, who misses her family living near to her, and who has lived a long, full life of her own. Nai Nai is the real MVP here, and I love that this film made me love her so much because it made Billi’s struggle with the lie all the more visceral.

From the beginning, even before Nai Nai’s diagnosis, it’s fascinating to see the little lies and half-truths that permeate so many of our conversations with our family every day. When Billi speaks in English to an activist on the street while on a call with Nai Nai, Nai Nai asks, “Who was that?” Billi replies “Just a friend,” because it’s easier and faster than explaining it was a stranger but Billi felt bad for her because she used to work for the same organization. It’s tiny, harmless, but still a shorthand of untruth that we all use with each other whether we’re conscious of it or not. 

I loved this line to justify the lie: It’s the fear that kills you, not the cancer. 

There’s so much richness to explore here in contrasting Eastern and Western ideals regarding family and our duties to those we love, to the self vs. the whole. It’s a theme that cropped up in Crazy Rich Asians as well, but it’s really foregrounded and dug into here in a very satisfying and nuanced way.

Nai Nai has a tiny white dog that features prominently in one hilarious scene. That dog is a Very Good Girl.

Some of my favorite scenes in the film are the dinner table conversations full of things said and unsaid, the layers of meaning and nuance behind every comment, every slight dig at the person across the table. It’s difficult to recreate that very specific tension of families who haven’t seen in each other in a long time getting together and forcing disparate people who only have one thing in common into a room together. 

Apparently, they hire professional criers for funerals in China. I think I’d be great at that job. If society in America collapses, I think I’ve found my new retirement plan.

There is some truly stunningly terrible karaoke at this wedding, and it reminds me of every family gathering of my BFF’s giant Filipino family. Gosh that made me homesick.

As a director and writer, Wang is purposeful and restrained. I loved the contrasting shots of Billi walking through crowds in New York City by herself toward the camera, surrounded by people but so alone, and the shot giffed above, of her walking with her entire family, this time part of a unit, a whole. It’s powerful visual storytelling that packs a lot of punch into such a brief amount of screen time.

Did I Cry? I did, as Billi and her parents get into the taxi to leave China. It did feel legitimately bittersweet and like I was saying goodbye to a member of my own family. That’s powerful filmmaking.

The Farewell is a small story focused on one family, but it feels universal in a transformative way. Though 80% of the film is in Chinese, I felt as if I were watching members of my own family struggle and strive to do what was best for a matriarch that defined and united us. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

#119in2019 #the farewell #the farewell review #awkwafina #lulu wang #shuzhen zhou #movie reviews #film reviews

[beingallelite]

"They need to stop this match. Seriously. Or someone's going to die."

The fans sitting directly behind me at All Elite Wrestling's All Out last month in Chicago were worried about Nick Jackson. The younger of the two Jackson brothers who make up the iconic Young Bucks tag team, Nick is the daredevil of the team: a high-flying wild man who seemingly knows no fear.

But everyone in the audience felt it for him during the "Escalera De La Muerte" match with the Lucha Bros—especially as he tumbled from atop a ladder all the way to the floor where he missed all but a piece of the two tables that were supposed to break his fall. It was the highlight-reel spot in a spectacle that was immediately ensconced in wrestling legend, one of the most incredible stunt shows the sport has seen.

"We probably almost went too far," Nick admits in an exclusive interview. "There was a point where I almost died when the ladder was tossed and I clipped the top rope with my feet and went through the table. And one minute later, Matt landed awkwardly on his side when Penta pushed the ladder. Those two things weren't supposed to go down that way, but when they did go completely wrong, that's when I was thinking 'I hope fans are not thinking this is too much.'

"...I think it was my idea to end the feud with a ladder match. We just didn't know what we were going to name it at the time. (AEW owner) Tony (Khan) loved the idea to do a ladder match at the end. We knew if we had a ladder match with these guys it would be nuts because we've had ladder matches before but we'd never had a ladder match with two of the craziest wrestlers in the business today.

"We knew if we got them in a ladder match, it would probably make history. And here we are now."

Before Nick even began his frantic, foolish and utterly spectacular fall, his brother Matt knew something had gone horribly wrong.

"Immediately, I knew that there was going to be an issue," Matt says. "Nick was supposed to be climbing a 10-foot ladder, but the Luchas had by mistake taken out the 8-foot ladder. From the rehearsal we knew it was gonna take a 10-foot. When I saw Nick climbing the 8-footer, I thought 'He's not gonna make it. I don't even know why he's trying, he's not gonna make it.'

"I'm on the floor panicked but what do you do? I figured he's gonna have to climb to the very, very top rung, which he pretty much did. He was on the second to last. I was concerned, but I thought to myself as long as he can make one of the tables he'll be OK and it can help break his fall.

"I saw him up there, and as he was falling, my heart almost stopped. I was watching my little brother just almost die right there in the match."

It was a frightening moment. But despite the pleas of some in our section, the match continued. Matt still had some high-risk, high-impact spots of his own to close the bout and knew his brother, despite being banged up, was going to be OK.

"We always give each other a look to kind of talk to each other," Matt says. "We've been doing this long enough now we can talk to each other without actually speaking to each other. I can just look at his eyes. I saw his eyes and he gave me the look like 'I'm OK.'

"We have such good referees at AEW who we trust with our lives. Rick Knox has been reffing our matches our entire career, so he's been with us throughout these types of matches. He communicated with Nick right away and then he came and told me that he was OK. It is like a game of Telephone. We're all talking without talking. There's this secret society stuff going on and nobody realizes it."

While the fan-favorite Young Bucks lost the match, no one in the audience could be too upset. They were, it seemed, just happy that everyone survived the carnage.

Because of their popular YouTube series, Being The Elite, the Bucks seem less like distant and unapproachable celebrity athletes and more like close friends you simply haven't met yet. It's a unique relationship that gives fans a cheering interest in the match that feels different to anything else in wrestling.

"I feel like when we get hurt, or almost get hurt, they are so emotionally invested it's like watching their friend almost die," Matt says. "The crowd would go to a hushed silence after some of those bad falls because they really care about us.

"This is one of the few matches of my career, that I can remember, where fans were literally begging me to never do one again. When the fans are saying that, it really hits home for me. Maybe we have pushed the boundaries a little too far. We had guardian angels watching over us that night."

Tag team action, though perhaps action not quite this risky, will be a staple of AEW programming. The division has been dormant in the American mainstream for decades, with even title matches serving as little more than pre-show fodder on WWE's top shows.

The Bucks, executives as well as wrestlers for the new promotion, are uniquely situated to serve as their own proof of concept, demonstrating to any skeptics that tag team wrestling can mean money in contemporary wrestling.

"For some reason, whatever it is, Vince McMahon just doesn't like tag team wrestling," Nick says. "And for 20 years now, he's controlled the mainstream market in wrestling. It's become a lost art form because of that. I think we're gonna change that come October 2 because we have the best tag teams in wrestling. We're gonna focus on it more so than anything you've seen in 20 years. Don't be surprised if a tag team match is the main event on TV multiple times a year."

Wearing the dual hat as executive and wrestler hasn't always been easy for others who have attempted to pull it off over the years. In the case of AEW, all four executive vice presidents (the Bucks, Cody Rhodes and Kenny Omega) are among the most popular acts in the company. That means they'll be putting themselves into prominent positions on the card, something that might not sit well with other wrestlers and a subsection of hypercritical fans.

"There's a fine line, but when it's all said and done, Tony is the last call to order," Nick says. "He has final say on everything. There have been two times now where Matt and I have actually said 'OK, we want to lose tonight' and it gets to Tony and he goes, 'Nope, you guys are winning.' We tried to dispute and we've failed both times. Of course, fans aren't going to see that and will probably think I'm even lying by saying it, but it's the truth."

While Matt agrees it's a tricky situation, he believes it's manageable if they keep the same ethos and philosophies that have guided them to this point.

"I never even wanted to tell people I was an EVP and it just kind of got out," he says. "There are other EVPs who love that. They want to talk about it. That's fine, but Nick and I have always been the type of people who say, 'No, I'm always a wrestler first and I want people to think of me as a wrestler.'

"We always just want to be one of the boys. It's tricky territory. They are going to say, 'Well, they're booking it. Of course, they're gonna go over.' Then there's the argument they are the popular act everyone wants to see so, of course, they should win.

"I don't think we should overthink it. A big reason we did this was to shine a spotlight on talent that isn't as well-known, and Nick and I are very unselfish in that way. We really want to get other people over.

"We don't have to win every match. We've been losing most of our career, people don't realize. We probably don't have a winning record if you looked at it. It's not that important to us, but we should keep ourselves to a point where we don't look overly weak. It's very, very tricky, and you know what? We are never going to be able to keep everybody happy."

By next week at this time, the inaugural episode of AEW Dynamite will be done. What the promotion is, and what it should be, will be widely debated for weeks and probably years to come. But the Jacksons know from experience what they don't want it to be if they want to see success.

"You have to be different," Nick says. "You can't try to be them. The one thing TNA did wrong was try to be a lesser version of them. We can't be them because we're not competing with them. We have to be different and we have to listen to the fans."

For Matt, it's all about serving the audience that helped get them here. AEW talks about fans as family and intends to build a show wrestling fans can love, not one they watch begrudgingly hoping this is the week when things turn around.

"They feel like they're so neglected," Matt says. "The things that they want, they just don't get. What we learned early on when we did our first show, All In, was we built this entire show and gave the fans the finishes they wanted, and they came out of that show feeling so good.

"Some of the things they expected, but we learned that it's OK sometimes if they expect something and they want something, you just give it to them. It's what a really good television show is. You build to this climax and you're thinking in the back of your head, 'Man, when they get to the season finale, they have to do it this way,' and then just imagine actually doing that.

"Aesthetically, we have to look, we have to smell, we have to sound different. If you're flipping through the channels on Wednesday night, you have to know within one second from looking at one frame of our show, 'Oh, that's AEW.'"

While no one can say for sure yet what AEW Dynamite will look like, The Young Bucks are willing to share what it won't be. As much of their success as they owe to Being The Elite, they have no intention of trying to duplicate their YouTube phenomenon on mainstream television. Instead, it will morph into a companion piece for the actual show, continuing to develop characters and bringing the audience closer to the performers as people.

"We're going to keep those things separate, and I kind of like that," Matt says. "I think BTE should live on YouTube. It can be the TV-MA version of our show. You can watch SCU do a PG-13 rant on the Turner program, and you can watch Frankie (Kazarian) drop 12 f-bombs on Being The Elite.

"As for the Road To program, I would love it if we kept a lot of that stuff and put it on the television show because that's a great way to develop characters and tell their stories. I think our television show will look like a lot of the stuff on Road To."

By Wednesday, the guessing games can finally come to an end. After months of buildup, AEW will finally have arrived on national television. Stay tuned to this space for weekly coverage and more exclusive interviews and content.

Hard Times Promo of the Week

The wrestlers of WWE and AEW spent months building a bridge of good will, agreeing almost to a person that a second major wrestling promotion could only benefit the talent.

The rise of AEW and NXT gives prospective wrestlers two more places to ply their trade and creates dozens of full-time jobs in a business that had been shrinking for decades.

Well, Kenny Omega took a flamethrower to that bridge last week, dismissing NXT wrestlers as little more than preliminary fodder still in the developmental stage of their careers. This week, just in case, he firebombed what was left of the relationship between the two groups in an incredible promo on Being The Elite.

Omega, sitting in front of a giant blowup poster of his Pro Wrestling Illustrated cover, ostensibly apologized for his previous comments. But then, thinking the camera was off in an ode to The Simpsons' "Gabbo" episode, proceeded to give "those SOBs" the business. In particular, he targeted NXT preliminary wrestler Dominik Dijakovic in an in-character rant.

Here's the money segment:

"He's not even used. OK? But I can see him. Donovon D--khead. Right? Sitting there, 'Now Triple H will push me. I'm gonna get the TV time now! I'm gonna stand up for the team.'

"I speak a promo in character, OK? Is he mad that I said bad things about Jon Moxley? No. How many fans do you think came to me and said, 'Kenny, not cool, bro! You really want to hurt Jon Moxley? You're not sympathetic to his injury?' How many people do you think f--king said that?

"No, its these children. It's these people that barely have a grasp on the English language and they're tweeting at me saying, ‘How dare you say that these guys are developmental talent! They're not developmental and they're better than you actually. They did more for the business than you!'

"OK. You want f--king reality? You know how many match-of-the-year awards I have? You know how many records I f--king broke? I shattered. And no one is ever gonna rebreak them.

"People in Japan are still trying on a daily basis to be the next Kenny Omega. They're trying so hard."

Three-Count: Looking Ahead

AEW Dynamite (October 2, TNT)

Cody Rhodes vs. Sammy Guevara: Cody is one of the biggest stars in wrestling. If he doesn't beat Guevara, an athletic high-spot artist with a relatively low national profile, I'll be shocked.

The Young Bucks and Kenny Omega vs. Chris Jericho and two mystery partners: The Elite had an excellent six-man tag match at Fyter Fest against the Lucha Brothers and Laredo Kid. While the match itself will no doubt be fantastic, the air of mystery here recalls the spirit of the Monday Night Wars. Who will be in Jericho's corner? We'll have to wait and see.

Nyla Rose vs. Riho (AEW Women's Championship): The AEW executive team has high hopes for the women's division. While there has been some solid action so far, nothing has truly stood out—in part because the AEW cards have been filled with incredible matches and spectacles. Perhaps this will be the bout that makes the world take note?

#the young bucks #nick jackson #matt jackson #kenny omega #all elite wrestling #aew #aew on tnt #article #bleacher report #posted on: 9.26.19

[politicaltheatre]

Rock Bottom

We have a problem.

That's the first step, right, admitting it? Everybody knows that. But is that enough? Have we reached a tipping point? Have we, in our long addiction, finally hit rock bottom?

Probably not.

That’s the thing about addiction. The whole world can see the addict and his addiction for all they are, but until the addict sees it himself and realizes at long last that he has no choice but to break it he will keep on going, lying to himself and others that it is not what it is and that they have nothing to fear.

Of course, we do.

To be clear, our addiction is a psychological one, not a chemical one. None of what you read from here on out is meant to denigrate physical addiction or to suggest that beating that is as simple as beating a psychological one, which itself is neither easy nor fast.

If only this was as simple as a single man's psychological addiction to one thing. Even then, the variables of how he slid into it and why are his and his alone. It's the constants of addiction, the root needs and ultimate ends, that we need to focus on. They are the same for everyone - that's why they're constants - but getting past the fog of the wheres and whens of addiction's start and end takes an effort few can bring themselves to make.

So, instead, we end up focusing on variables; in this case, guns and violence and revenge. These are the manifestations of our addiction, not the addiction itself. A step further, a level beneath those, we find the root cause. That is, we find it if we dare to look.

Our addiction is to avoiding accountability. 

We've had it easy for so long. We have so many options, so many excuses, so many others to blame. When everything’s good, when we have no worries, the ride is so much fun. It never feels like it’s going to end. 

And then it does, and it feels so bad. We must pay our bills. We must accept that others have a right to what we want, that we must be accountable to them, too. 

To go from that feeling of certainty to an equal and perhaps even greater feeling of uncertainty is terrifying. Give us a fix, we beg, take care of us and make it better. The fantasy isn’t real, we know that, but we’ll take it. 

Just looking at this past weekend, there are so many examples at play, all showing how we are locked in our worlds of fantasy:

• There is the world of the shooters, fetishizing guns and the rush of violence and revenge against invented enemies, foreign and domestic. They get to dream up a story, placing themselves at the center as hero or villain, always in control, never wrong. The killing is a means to that end, and to an end to their story they believe they can control, either by living or dying as martyrs to their cause.

• There is the world of the Trump and NRA supporters, who have invested so much of their identities in these external authorities that they don’t dare reject them for fear of rejecting themselves. Does anyone really doubt that Trump or one of his latest mouthpieces don't understand this? The racism is a means to gaining and maintaining control, just like the millions the NRA pays to politicians to toe the line and spread their talking points. A rational mind knows this, but an addict's mind has its own logic and that couldn't be easier to exploit.

• There is the world of those opposing them, stuck cycling through the same rituals of anger because they, too, want quick and easy solutions, not that they can admit it. The hard work, personal sacrifice, and patience required are more than they can bear, or maybe just more than they literally can afford. It's easy being angry. It's easy staying angry. It's easier still if that's all you ever do. You get good at it. It becomes a safe place, one you never have to leave.

• There is also the world of those trying to make that change, taking the risks, pushing and pressing the world around them to try to take any small step it can to save just one life. These are the ones investing themselves in hard work, personal sacrifice, and patience until they have exhausted all three. They burn out because the audience they needed to reach, the addict and those around him fearing risk themselves, just weren't ready.

• And then there is the world of the rest of us, slowly numbing ourselves to the pain and suffering of others because we tell ourselves that the power to solve it is beyond us. It's the kind of acceptance that friends and family members of addicts know all too well. It is well practiced and so common we barely give it a conscious thought, if we do at all.

If you know addiction then you must see excuses and evasions for what they are. It’s always some other thing, a thing over which nobody could possibly have any control. It’s always someone else’s fault, some easy scapegoat already an outsider, be it someone who is different or something, such as the government, which is untouchable.

They're all variables. They always will be. Take away one scapegoat, you find another. Take away one focus of your addiction, you find another.  If there is always another thing, there is never control, and if there is never control then we don't have to feel shame for the damage done.

There is no high like having to be accountable to no one. There can be no low like crashing from that high.

What we do know is this: We don’t think of our country as a family. We don’t even think of it as a community. For far too many of us, sharing space and resources with each other is considered an inconvenience at best and an invasion at worst.

We lie to ourselves, choosing to believe that crime happens to others, that the heat and storms of climate change are happening to others, that lack of adequate health care is happening to others, and that economic inequality is happening to others.

It all "happens", a beautifully passive word. It allows us to be passive. It allows us to tell the lie that its cause is beyond our complicity and its solution beyond our ability. And so, the cycle continues.

For the shooting in Dayton, racism and white supremacy don’t seem to have been a motive, but right there we run into trouble with another word, "motive".

Racism and white supremacy are means to an end, that end being a feeling of control and a denial of accountability to others. However different they may appear on the surface, the shooter in Dayton had his own means to those same ends. That those ends have become normalized is what made both shooters dangerous. That they had access to automatic and semi-automatic firearms is what made this a tragedy.

Which brings us to "the party of personal responsibility”. They demonized the term "gun control" because a well paid marketing firm found a way to make it sound evil. The truth is everything we choose to do or not do about firearms qualifies as gun control.

We, the people, who elect others to represent us and our best interests, we have control over guns. Any law passed or not passed is done through that representation. Any law currently on the books, even one stating that a certain class of guns cannot be regulated, is gun control because, in fact, guns are regulated by that law.

So, let's skip distracting ourselves with that. Whatever we do next, it will control guns in some way. We just have to decide what we want from that control and who we should trust to exercise it.

Which brings us to Donald Trump.

For the shooting in El Paso, we can and should blame Donald Trump. Whatever official statement he put out yesterday or may put out today, he has used racism and the violence of white supremacists as a means to gaining and maintaining power. The evidence is so far past overwhelming that our inaction in the face of it is shameful.

Trump's defense-by-omission of the gun lobby and scapegoating of mental illness not only put the lie to any condemnation of hatred and bigotry, they bring unpleasant reminders of demagogues of the past stoking racism and scapegoating the mentally ill.

Is that what it will take for us to hit rock bottom? Must we, like Europeans and South Americans before us, fall fully and completely into the abyss of fascism and civil war before we learn what we must learn? The next election will answer that as well as anything.

The Democrats may win back the White House and the Senate in 2020, but it’s looking more and more like it will be the result of Trump, McConnell, and the rest of the Republicans in Washington finally going too far, or finally being seen for how far they refuse to go, than anything the Democrats have to offer.

But hasn’t that always been the pattern?

The right wing, the pushers in this analogy of addiction, offer short term thinking with easy solutions to difficult problems. They use division and bigotry as means to gaining and maintaining power. Finally, as society collapses, they point the finger at anyone else, not just to avoid their own accountability but because it enables those clinging to what they offered to avoids their own.

The left wing, the sober grownup at the party, demands accountability in all things, including from themselves. Thinking long term, they get shunted aside in the short term, a canary in the coal mine listened to only to gauge the threat but not to avoid it. Only when the threat is so near, when there are no more others on whom to cast blame or burden, do we finally ask them for help.

That’s when we elect the left wing, to clean up our mess. Are we ready? Have we hit rock bottom? We're close, and it seems getting closer everyday.

- Daniel Ward

#guns #gun violence #el paso #dayton #addiction #accountability #politics #right wing #left wing #gun control #democrats #republicans #2020 #NRA #donald trump #mitch mcconnell #moscow mitch #lobbying #corruption #the bully on the playground #long reads

[100dad]

Worried about raising snowflakes???

Worried about raising snowflakes???

I have seen this more than I would like in our comment section. “Snowflakes”, this is what happens when you give everyone a trophy”, etc. For the record, I tend to almost always disagree with mass labels and categorizing. By age group, politics, whatever. I think it is oversimplified to say everyone in this broad category thinks this way. It is simply not true.

For those living under a rock, snowflake is a term meant to throw shade at tender, over-emotional, easily offended person. I assume the name fits because they melt down easily and are fragile. Snowflakes tend to argue for tolerance and acceptance while yelling at someone with a conflicting view.

The term usually gets assigned to liberals but was recently used for conservatives upset about the election results too. I have seen many attempts at embracing the snowflake term as a term that means you are kind, caring, and compassionate. I genuinely do not think that’s what most people consider the definition when they use the term. So, I am going with the more widely accepted view. But fully understand the term is getting thrown all over the place with different definitions.

So, since it is a term. And that is how most of society is defining it.

And since I would think most people would like to avoid seeing their kids fit that description, the question is:

How do we avoid such a dastardly fate for our youngins?

We want to blame this younger generation for being this way when it was the older parents that raised them and fostered the environment that created this. Its odd to blame kids when they are heavily influenced by the upbringing parents provide.

Let us dive into the makeup of a snowflake. (as I have understood most of society to define it)

They seem to have an overinflated value of their opinion while simultaneously undervaluing conflicting opinions. It's not enough to undervalue it--it must be stopped. They must cancel those who disagree. They must bring attention to this and make a scene, so they have attention. They must try and get others fired and hurt them, so they know the wrong of their ways.

They seem to have zero tolerance for opposing opinions and lack the ability to handle rejection, in addition to having little understanding of how the real world works or thinking things through completely. Any resistance or rejection to their thoughts is deemed as a personal offense. And all problems are easily fixed if someone else does the fixing.

It seems like such a miserable way to live. To always have irritation and frustration in your life. That seems like a very unpeaceful life. I certainly would not want that lifestyle for my kids.

To be fair here I have never met or associated with a “snowflake”. I know how to address what is in the definition. In my social circle, I have never met someone who fits all of these things. Certainly, have met kids and adults who fit a few of these things, but not all of them!!

So here are 10 things Dad (and Mom) can do to prevent this “snowflake” mentality.

1.)  Encourage failure.

Not in a weird way. Failure is needed in life. Pain is a requirement. Hovering and helicoptering, while good in its intent, is damaging to the long-term goal of raising a fully functional competent adult that is good for society. Kids need to experience failure. They must learn to fail and know it's not the end of the world. Life after failure does, in fact, exist.

They need to know how to pick themselves up and try again. This builds up internal confidence and resiliency. Resiliency is not talked about a lot. And maybe that needs to change. What a great character trait: the ability to handle adversity and push forward. To not be held back by challenges and obstacles. This will help keep relationships strong, build a successful career, and overall win in almost every aspect of life. Resiliency is a needed trait that is learned 2 ways. By witnessing mom and dad struggle/fail and continue to push forward and by experiencing failure themselves and knowing that it is not the end but actually just a normal aspect to the process.

Well-intentioned parents preventing their kids from failure and pain end up handicapping the adult version of their kids. They don’t have the ability to function in the real world. They get easily flustered when things do not go their way (after all mom and dad usually step in and fix everything!) They won’t persevere when their boss tells them the project they did was not good enough, they will crumble. They will not get past the hurt of rejection. They will be insecure and jaded because they will feel crushed.

Parents forget this lesson. It's just as important for kids to learn how not to do something as it is to learn how to do something. Failing teaches you how not to do something. Teach them, in our family we do not cower and hide when things get tough or uncomfortable. We deal with the uncomfortable. We have to back up the claims we make with intelligent responses. Failure is how we realize we need to have an open mind and improve ourselves.

2.) The household needs structure and consequences and reality checks. Stable homes statistically produce better families and kids that become high-functioning adults. Kids thrive in structured environments. To be clear I do not mean oppressive non-flexible structure. Dad does not need to be a hard-core drill sergeant 24-7. That is a solid way to screw up your kids. Structure would include family rules, a regular schedule, consistent presence, and familiar routines. This is all at the macro level. Big picture. In our house we for the most part wake and go to bed at the same time. This does not mean we never stayed out late, slept in, or woke early. We were flexible when needed.

Actions have consequences. Dad should encourage that because it represents the real world. Do bad things get bad results. Do good things and get good results. Dads give praise and discipline. Eliminating one or the other is a mistake.

While on this subject a lot of parents tend to defend their kids before knowing the facts. At times you are simply playing the role of the judge. Get the facts, figure out who is lying, figure out what makes sense, look at past history and sentence accordingly.

Ignoring reality is foolish. Sometimes your kid is a jerk, a turd, whiny, a bully, spoiled, entitled, or just plain rude.  This happens to my kids. Its normal. Call it out. Give examples and explain why their behavior is ________. We do this all the time. Parenting is constant adjustments. If we could say things one time, close our eyes, and hope for the best I’d be out of a job. Repetition and consistency. Also, Repetition and consistency. Also, Repetition and consistency.

We don’t want to create a false assumption that they know all the answers. Challenge kids to explain their behavior, their actions, their logic, their claims, their opinions. Dig beneath the surface layer. I have no doubt snowflakes were encouraged at home that the other kids were foolish and they are perfect little angels. Having met a lot of kids. None of them are angels or even close to perfect.

3.) Values, morals, and ethics need to be discussed as a family.

It is insanely important to write these things down. Most people won’t do it because it requires extra effort and thought. It really helps create clarity not only in your life but in your parenting. When you know where out of bounds is you can play the game a lot easier. When you know what the finish line looks like calling the plays is much easier. When the rules are written the job of the ref is much easier.

These are discussions to be held as a family. Mom and Dad need to be on the same page. It might involve going back to your own parents and asking questions. I might involve sitting down with your church leader to create clarity. Once mom and dad are on the same page it can be written down. Now everyone (mom, dad, kids) knows the game, the rules, the boundaries.

I’ll say this again. Tremendous clarity in your life when it's written. I encourage it. It’s a guide, a compass, a map. It's helpful. I'll attach a link to what ours is if you want an example.

This way expectations are set. Accountability is vast. And life can be lived blacker and whiter and less winging it in the grey area.

4.) They need encouragement and love.

Dads are typically pretty solid on discipline, correcting, and pointing out what needs to improve. What gets ignored sometimes is encouragement and unconditional love.

When your kids had 7 A’s and 1 D on the report card. State the obvious. 7 a’s is amazing!! Let’s celebrate. You know what you gotta do on the D let’s celebrate the A’s!

This is super common. It doesn’t matter how successful our kids are at something, we must point out the thing that needs improvement as if no one else knows about that thing. Kids want the validation that dad is proud of them and that needs to be said (or written) so they do not spend their lives wondering.

One tactic that is helpful is to mirror the positive emotions your kid brings to you. When they are excited about something be excited with them. When they are full of pride reflect that pride back. Its validation they look for and that’s a great way to give it to them. And if they come to you with a negative emotion remain stoic and calm. Assess the situation with a straight face and respond accordingly. Reacting to negative emotions or responding emotionally can backfire bigtime.

Mirror the positive. Controlled Response to negative.

Life needs purpose and having goals is a big purpose and motivation in this world. As dads, we should encourage our kids to pursue their talents, interests, and goals as they fit into our family values, morals, and ethics.

The love a dad has for his kids is nonconditional. It does not matter what happens, my love for you does not change. When you disappoint me, embarrass me, impress me, or succeed beyond me wildest dreams, my love for you is the same. This needs to be made clear frequently. Eliminate any doubt in their minds that love is earned, bought, or conditional.

Invent a code word or phrase between you and each of your kids. It can be straight forward or a fun code word. It means Dad, I need to talk to you. And they can say it whenever and they know that Dad will stop, go somewhere private, and listen without reacting immediately. They can ask any questions. Tell any story. Confess about anything. And you will listen to them. No promises of immunity. Just free from an immediate emotional reaction. A safe time to vent or otherwise be heard. So many issues occur because kids are afraid to come to dad. This is an excellent way to put it out there. When they use it…..make sure to handle it in a way that they won't be afraid or embarrassed to use it again.

5.) Demonstrate humility, compassion, kindness for others

This is a key ingredient that is missing in the lives of a snowflake. It is the inability to take an L without making excuses or blaming others.

No sense of humility, that is understanding they are not the end all be all in the world.

Having genuine compassion for others instead of sitting on a high horse and yelling at everyone else. Knowing kindness is the tool that leads to a life without regret. When you are kind and humble and compassionate---the truth is you are going to get used and walked over sometimes because you put someone else’s needs before your own. But so what? Does it really matter in the big picture?

I’ve been giving this area more and more thought lately. It's something our family needs. I’m a firm believer our kids need to stay grounded and keep their perspective in check. They get to live a privileged life of travel, nice food, fun experiences, and real comfort and security. I want to make sure they know they are no better than any other person. This is not like we are royal class and we don’t associate with the peasants.

And it's my job as a dad to make sure these things are being learned. For us, I think that is going to be doing some mission trips when the kids are older. Some volunteering at local shelters. Visiting some nursing homes so we can all see where we all end up. Frail, needing others, humbled, maybe lonely, simple kindness very much appreciated.

Perspective is important. Humility is important. Compassion and kindness are necessary for a fully functional human being. Snowflakes are missing balance in this area. That is why they get so angry…they think everyone should think like them and they lack the humility to realize everyone gets to live their own lives. They talk about compassion and kindness but their actions display hate and anger. They are broken. They are royal and everyone else is peasants that should do what the royals say.

6.) Kids need goals, challenges, and obstacles.

Humans need to be working toward something meaningful for them. And those things should fit what our family values are.

They need to develop work ethic and see what happens when they fail to put in the necessary effort. This means they need to face adversity. They need to do things on their own.

Do not bail them out, they do need guidance from dad on how to work their way out. Teach them how to process a situation and how to make decisions. Giving them the answer is easy today but handicaps them in the future. Guidance is key. They do the work and do the thinking.

Snowflakes don’t know how to handle challenges. They never had to work through adversity. When they fail or get corrected then can’t handle it and they lash out. Mom and dad are not there to bail them out.

Moreover, we need purpose in life that makes us feel good. Work, pursuing goals, indulging our passions are all great things. I am big on the problems caused by idleness. Sitting around with nothing to do or not being challenged in your career path is going to lead to depression and opportunities for stupidity. Stay motivated. Keep pushing forward. Accomplishment is good for the soul.

The best thing we can do as parents is make sure our older kids have goals and are involved in activities or jobs. Teenagers get into trouble when they have nothing to do. Snowflakes have a lot of downtime. They are bored. I don’t know many professional, respectable adults that sit around with nothing to do. Snowflakes had a low bar set for them, they were not pushed, they never learned to do things on their own.

7.) Know what happiness and contentment are. If 2 things are lacking in this country is genuine happiness and contentment. There is an epidemic of people (adults and kids!) that are never satisfied. Always ignoring or sacrificing their present for hopes of the future. We just mentioned goals and aspirations and 100% those are important. But being driven and being content can live in harmony. Its okay to say If even I never make any more money, never move to a bigger house, never get a nicer car, never grow past X then I still like my life. I’ll still be happy.

Happiness should be lived. It should never be the goal. And that’s why so many are miserable.                 Their happiness is contingent on status, money, stuff, approval of others. If I lose everything and end up in a shack with my family. I will be happy with my life. I will know I did my best. I will know I lived with integrity. And I have the people I love with me and they actually like me!! Would I like nicer things? Sure. Would I like more outside approval? Of course. Will that determine how happy I am today. Nope.

Of course, I’m driven, I’m smart, motivated, Love business, have made good decisions in life so I don’t think that will happen. And if it did happen, I would keep working. Not to find happiness, but because I like work. I like achieving. And I feel satisfied after putting in work. I feel satisfied going home to people who love me and like me.

There are certain things in life we can’t control. We have to have peace with that. Its beyond our control so why let it eat at us.

I can work out and eat right but really, I can’t control my health. Vision, hearing, injuries, cancer, disease….these things happen.

Some people get luckier than me. Meeting the right person at the right time. Promoted by a big-time influencer. Some people don’t like me!! Sweet, innocent, gentle, wholesome Townsend Russell. Can you believe it?! Does it effect my happiness? Nope. I still get to go home to a great family. Now if something happens to my family……that would be tough. I would probably be less happy. Like a lot less happy in life. That is the toughest thing I can imagine. But I am not going to complain about these things I can’t control and let them keep me down. I move forward.

Comes down to a bit of perspective. Looking at the big picture. Comes down to knowing we cannot control everything and everyone. Comes down to knowing that when we are content and happy today…..the future is even brighter because you are enhancing the life you already love.

Enjoy Today. Everyday. Kids need to see mom and dad being happy in the present. Driven, motivated, and happy.  We don’t want to be miserable. We certainly don’t want to teach our kids how to live never being content (not lazy) in life.

8.) Kids need independence and freedom

This is given with age and maturity. There will be adjustments of latitude. We give more and more leeway and responsibility. Sometimes we need to pull back. Sometimes we need to push them to be more independent.

Dads- we need to teach them how to live. Laundry, cooking, dating, household chores & maintenance, taking care of vehicles, how to budget, responsible purchasing, figuring out local laws to abide by, insurances, career skills, life skills, social skills. You have got to teach them how to be an adult. It's wrong to “protect” them from the real world then be shocked when they move out and cannot do anything. Teach them how to live on their own—without you.  You’re always there for guidance but if you raised them right you prepared them for the real world.

They need to be able to get themselves to places on time. You need to be teaching them how to make a good first impression. How to interview for a job. How to stay out of trouble. How to handle peer pressure (even as an adult)!! How to stand up and fight for what they believe is right. How to think for themselves and process information so they are not blindly following bad advice. How to negotiate. How to compromise. You know how many real skills there are in life. Pass the lessons you have learned on to the next generation. There is no need for them to have to stumble through and learn everything from scratch.  They can gain knowledge from your mistakes and lessons.

This freedom and independence stage can be difficult. We must slowly let them act more and more like an adult. Which means being able to have real conversations with us. We cannot tell them to shut up and do as we say forever and then expect them to be able to flip a switch and handle the real world. They need to practice with us. We have to give some leeway in this phase. And if they betray our trust they lose our trust and the freedoms that came with it. But they can earn it back.

The truth is we were all kids. We did stupid things. Maybe immoral or even illegal things. Kids are not going to be perfect. But we can raise them well. Teach them our values and ingrain them. Set a good example. With age and maturity, we can give them more and more responsibilities and independence.

9.) Involved mom and dad. Mom and Dad. Not one or the other. Complete families have a much higher percentage of creating normal functioning adults than broken families. That’s just a reality. Having mom and dad is a major bonus in the development of children to adults.

Make sure kids can never play mom and dad against each other. Mom and Dad are a united front. If kids can manipulate mom and dad – the parents have failed.

Temper tantrums are not given into. Manners and common etiquette are taught in the home. Everything in this blog is taught and lived. Involved parents are just that. Involved. You raised your kids. You taught them the things they need to know. You prepared them. You were their primary influence. And it takes a lot of effort and it requires your time.

Because it's so easy to focus more on work. It's so easy to let daycares and school be the primary influence in our kids' lives. It's so easy to let screens expose and teach our kids to…..well everything.

If you want your kids to grow up to be good men and women you need to be involved. You must never be afraid to stand up for what you believe in and explain to your kids why.

The Why’s are everything. Communicate with them. We stop and look both ways so we don’t get hit by a driver that’s not paying attention. We have parental controls because there are bad things in this world kids eyes should not see. Parents have to be willing to take a stand and defend their values and morals. We have too many parents caving. Thinking if they roll over and ignore it all goes away.   Stay involved or maybe get involved. Better late than never.

Time is the biggest thing I tell Dads they need to give kids. Sometimes that means sacrificing their hobbies, social activities, even career paths. Your involvement matters. Burying yourself in work or anything else quite often leads to massive regret down the line. Learn from the dads that made that mistake. Time is everything. It creates the opportunity for everything we have talked about to happen.

10.) Consistency and repetition

For any functional adults, much less avoiding raising a snowflake, consistency, and repetition are important. Everything in this blog has to be your life. It is just the way you live. Which means it is true to you and your family. Otherwise, you are faking it and it will not be consistent.

Saying things once does not work. We have to live the example. Talk about everything. Repeat it over and over and adjust it to the age and maturity of each of our kids.  This is the same in the adult business world. Very few people in this world hear what you say once. Say the same thing over and over and over and it will finally be heard the first time.

Consistency in what you say leads to the world making sense for kids. They have the framework their family lives by and that is their world. They do not have to try and process why dad says one thing but does the other. Consistency means the repetition is the same which means it will eventually take hold in their brains! This is why I push so hard for you to write it all down. Because then everyone is on the same page. It's easier to repeat. It's easier to be consistent. You have a guide to look back on.

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#snowflake #parenting #parentingtips #politics

[salireperiodic]

CREATIVE WRITING | KISHIE SALIRE

LOOKING FORWARD

PHOTO REFERENCE | https://images.app.goo.gl/JPDZ7qSChAMoxkSe6

“Past is past” we all know that quotation. It simply means that we should let go of everything we’ve done before and focus more on what’s going to happen next. In life we’ve done many things in the past that serves as a lesson for us in the future. We’ve made decisions before that shaped us to what we are now. Good or bad, there’s a reason why we’ve done it and why did we reach up to that point.

Personally, I’ve gone through a lot of decision making from the smallest thing of picking up an outfit to life choices. I have this experience where in I lost my childhood bestfriend. I need to make the hardest decision wherein should I let her go or should I keep her. We are really close back then when we were little. She would always visit me at our house and we will play with dolls, pretend that we are chefs in a restaurant and many more. As time goes by we do things differently but let’s focus on what happened days before that day. She is acting differently, it’s weird because it’s so unlike her. I asked her if we could meet up one time because it’s been years since we last saw each other, but she rejected me. I was shocked with that move because she would never do such thing. Later she said that she don’t want to be friend with me anymore and she need to cut off people in her life. I asked myself why does it have to include me? We’ve through a lot then all of a sudden she wants to cut me off. I don’t know what I did to her and it hurts that she wants me out of her life. I have trouble letting go of people that means to me a lot. I can’t just simply say goodbye, forget our friendship, and move on. I asked her what did I do to make her unfriend me but she did not said a word. After that day I’ve never heard of her, no communication, no nothing. It’s heartbreaking because I have no choice but to respect her decision and I should decide for myself as well. In the end I moved on with our friendship but I kept all our happy memories together.

No matter how though and how hard it is, we have to stay strong and keep moving forward. There’s nothing we can do if we keep on holding unto someone or something that doesn’t make sense in our life anymore. If we still keep those thoughts it will forever haunt our mind and it would be a toxic move for ourselves. If there’s nothing we can do, just let go because it will set us free and lives will set our peace.

SURVIVING THE STRUGGLES

PHOTO REFERENCE | https://images.app.goo.gl/s3opLyrkgtGxPcHG7

Insecurities is what keeps our self-esteem down. It may be from flaws or past traumas that has a deep effect in our life. This is what keeps us down and make us overthink most of the time. “He’s/She’s better than me”, “I’m ugly”, “I look fat.”, “I don’t think I can do it”, what if’s and buts, those are the most common things we say when we feel insecure. How do we overcome this feeling? How can we survive the struggle?

Growing up I have a lot of insecurities with me body from my face down to my body shape. I don’t have a pointed nose, I have thin eyebrows, one squinted eye, pimple and pimple marks, stretchmarks, cellulites, big hips, overall it’s me, I am my biggest insecurity. I’m always fond of girls with the opposite characteristics of mine, I always adore and want to be them. I’ve been through a lot of breakdowns in my life because I think that I don’t fit in today’s beauty standards, I’m off base. Then there’s this special someone that helped me overcome these insecurities. He helped me love me more and that made me realize that he’s right, I don’t have to look like someone else to make myself fit. I need to be me, I need to embrace myself because if everyone can see how much I love myself then that makes me more beautiful in their eyes. I may not have the perfect face and body but I have my good personality. And that is the biggest flex I can ever share to everyone.

If you still have insecurities that keeps you from growing, let it go. It took me a time but now I realized that you are accepted and appreciated in the society. No one can make fun of your insecurity because a lot o people believe that you are perfect just the way you are and people will love you because you are you, not someone else. 

MUSIC OF MY LIFE

PHOTO REFERENCE | https://images.app.goo.gl/D1VQQDHA8ygiNubo7

These 9 beautiful girls you see above are the girls who saved me this year. This Korean girl group Twice gives this ray of sunshine to their fans. I’m obsessed with their music and I use that to overcome stress and anxiety. Their songs are catchy but has this deep meaning into it that I know everyone can relate to. 

I’ve been a fan of their group since 2016. I’m listen to K-pop songs since I was in grade 4 but I’m really not into idolizing a specific group, then I stopped listening when I got to grade 6 then back at it again in grade 8 when my classmates are discussing about K-pop, specifically Twice. It’s interesting then I started to look it up online and that’s when it all started, it’s a bop! I’ve been listening to their songs non-stop and I memorized each name of the members. Another reason why I love K-pop is because of their dance. I love to dance and I memorize each choreo of their songs. Whenever I feel down I just listen to their songs and dance to let go of all the negative energy I’m feeling. 

SECOND THOUGHTS

PHOTO REFERENCE | https://images.app.goo.gl/vsP6jgzrbrKNLP8R6

I can't describe what I'm feeling right now

I think I went numb. 

I want to let go now 

But I know that will be dumb. 

I try my best not to fell out

But it's you who's pushing me to the limit.

I don't want to leave you with questions and doubt 

Cause I know it will hurt you, 

I feel it. I've been feeling this for a while 

But I can't find the exact words to say. 

I want us to go for another mile 

"I want this to stop" that's what I wanna say 

I love you too much and it's hurting me 

But how do I say this without crying. 

I want to set you free 

Because I don't want to keep on lying. 

Being in a rough path in a relationship and you have thoughts if you still want to continue or not.

THE CHOICE

PHOTO REFERENCE | https://images.app.goo.gl/avLFGWeQSvRrNEe9A

“Daddy, does mommy love us?” Nico asked.

“Of course, Nico.” I replied.

“Then why did she left us?”

I was stunned at the thought. I never imagined Nico saying that at such a young age.

“Love, I have something to tell you.” Nicole said to me.

“I’m busy love, can we talk later?” I continued typing on my laptop. We have a presentation tomorrow so I need to finish this business plan now.

“It‘s really important, please? Just one minute.” here she goes again with those cute eyes that I can’t resist. “Okay, what is it then?”

She handed me a stick like thingy that has two lines at the center -- wait, what?

“You’re...”

She nodded.

I can’t believe my eyes, she really is-- “Pregnant?”

“Yes!” she said it loud and proud.

I lift her up out of joy. I can’t believe it, I’m gonna be a dad! One Sunday afternoon in our garden she said that we’re expecting. We have to tell our parents, our friends, other member of our family. My heart is filled with joy I couldn’t wish for more.

A few months later.

“Look, I bought something for our baby!” I pulled out a huge teddy bear  out of the bag and showed it to her. I’m too excited for this. “Love, you gotta chill okay? We don’t even know what this little bean is gonna be.” Yeah, we don’t know for now. “Let’s see tomorrow at the shower.” I winked and gave her a peck in the cheek.

“It’s a boy!” I knew it, I’m gonna have a little me in a few months! 

He’s gonna have my brown hair for sure the he will get his mother’s eyes and nose hopefully and let’s not forget my wife’s personality with a hint of toughness from me. I giggled at the thought.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Nicole asked. “I’m thinking of a name, now scootch I need to concentrate.” She laughed at me. Nothing give me more positive vibes that seeing my wife happy.

“Stephen, Louie, Sky, Justin...”

“How about Nico?” she said.

“That’s perfect.” 

“i know.” Yes love, ‘cause it’s your name. 

“I can’t wait to see you Nico.” I croched down and talked to our little bean inside her tummy. “Can you feel it? He’s kicking!” I did not say anything but I do felt his little kicks.

We rushed to the hospital early in the morning because Nicole said that her water broke and the contractions hurts so bad. I quickly packed the things that we will be needing and off we go.

“Sir, I’m sad to say that there’s been complications during the pregnancy and only one of them can survive.” 

Hearing those words from the doctor, I felt that my whole world crumbled.

“No, it can’t be. Do anything you can please?” I cried.

“You’re talking to the teddy bear again” Mom said.

“Let go of them son, it’s been years.”

[tcottagecheese]

So, I have this The Big Bang Theory AU

So I have this sorta AU of the big bang theory that start sooo early in the show, and it’s one that I live in a sad relationship with because the big bang theory was the one show I was heartbroken to hate.

So, basically, we meet the boys and Penny, and she IS this blond, Nebraskan naïve kid who’s just really into the United States’ dream of fame and fortune so she’s in Cali, and we happily go those three or four episodes where the blond dumb tropes where… eh, okay, and all the boys where just behind he creepy line in their adorkable type that you half cringed but they seemed more like Peter Pan’s lost boys and less future sexual harassment suits; so, we’re just a that point, then, STOP:

AND ACTION:

Because in my half-made expectations before the show actually got along, Penny, who has been spending most dinner nights with the boys save the occasional ‘girls night out trope’, has some ‘unnamed person over’ in the boys apartment, and they can be really impressed or snide about some unfinished equation on the board, and this will prompt her into explaining whatever crazy science scribble it’s on Sheldon’s board really earnestly, which of course send everyone into shock, only she brushes it off because when she was a little kid she was actually somewhat into science before it stopped being cool (as in, high school where all dreams go to die), so, she forgets about that…

EXCEPT then one day Leonard is SUPER stuck on something on the board, and she goes and just… puts those numbers that seemed to be just missing from it, and HEY YOU JUST SOLVED THIS CRAZY HUGE EQUATION HOLY SHIT

And then it turns out PENNY was a ‘WHATEVER BRANCH OF SCIENCE SHELDON AND LEONARD ARE’ genius all along, but she never allowed herself to be too much into it the mere basis behind it (math and physics) because growing up she had too much energy to just allow herself those hours listening to sciency diatribes to put into written all that stuff she always kinda got in a faraway sense, but now she’s older and can actually focus beyond bull-riding, she realizes that faraway thing is SCIENCE and IS HER THANG

ONLY excuse you, she has a dream, and it’s to be an actress, so she resists the call of math, and stubbornly continues auditioning and selling herself as THE BLONDE TROPE because she’s a sensitive artistic soul who will NOT be shackled by the rigor of scholastic paths

ONLY turns out that Caltech place pays really well, and she does like shoe shopping, so she allows them to lure her once in a while to the evilness of UNIVERSITY where she feels really awkward because as the show shows, CalTech seems like a really cut-throat place, and also she’s not into writing out long essays explaining her math thingy, no please. SO she continually escapes the clutches of Gabblehouser (? his name T.T)

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO THE BOYS! who are super confused by this sudden turn of event (A WOMAN who is ATTRACTIVE and SMART and also their PLATONIC FRIEND *gasp!) and at first don’t really know how to interact with Penny, who as far as she is concerned still acts her same hot dumb blonde role, only better paid, cuz it’s not like her actual intellect changed, she just started using that part of it she disconnected from a whiiiiile ago, (so no, she won't suddenly turn into an overnight nerd more than she had always been, nor does she abandon her cute outfits and vanities and actual lazy personality)

And part of the show would be about the boys showing her the cool fun parts of SCIENCE without dumbing it down for her in that really insulting way they do it on the actual show

Part of it is also Sheldon going bananas because the faculty asked him to make Penny’s BRILLIANT UNADULTERED GENIOUS into hard, fast, college essay worthiness, and no, Penny, Chicago is not the right way for citations and STOP PUTTING CUTE SQUIGGLES IN THE PAGE FRAME WOMAN! CUTE SCIENCE IS NOT SCIENCE And also let’s stop looking at my equations I can do it myself, and poor Sheldon ends up having to translate pop cultured sass into gentile math for the sciency peeps, (P & S do always influence each other, after all) so we focus on their cute, quirky BFFsness (and maybe eventual romance, cuz I shipped them until HARD CHAUVANIST SHELDON EMERGED later in the show) and they have the time of their lives bickering over how Penny’s equations are too short and dry and to the point while Sheldon’s are whimsical and romantic and too drawn out.

And the other beautiful part of it it’s the boys are still having their go at love, except HERE they actually realize the kind of woman they want to date is LITERALLY RIGHT THERE to give them real life advice beyond ‘pick up lines/ew nerds are creepy’ and explains the things women actually want, like being respected for their intellect in whatever shape may come, as well as whatever employment they have –whether there rocket scientist or dog walkers or waitresses, as long as they work hard and honestly for a living no work should be made fun of-

AND because this is an AU, Penny actually, continually whoops their asses Nebraska style for being sexist little shits and thinking they can get away with it with their little underdog bullshit and off course it’s not something that happens like magic, it takes a series of dramatic, emotional, occasionally chaotic events that allows the boys to finally understand that they’ve been materialistic jocks all along, (really, just give them serious muscles and a backwards hat and they all become that really frightening coworker/schoolmate/ad infinitum that acts in that super unsettling way that they think it’s sexy-funny but it’s actually very threatening) 

SO: they find themselves on all too new path in their search for a partner: one in which they start to view women beyond the tropes and the ideals, and realize there’s some seriously cool chicks who are actually always that much more deep than they initially realized and perhaps they don’t find THE RIGHT ONE, but somehow they start gaining an increasing number of awesome, diverse women friends, and sometimes some of them grow to be more than that!

And of course, this is a COMEDY so, instead of the creepy ‘revenge of the nerds’ shenanigans that always leave u feeling that bit uncomfortable (using toy trucks with cameras to see under a person’s skirt in real life is SO WRONG so I don’t understand why it was okay on TV on a space where the guys were supposed to be her friends, in the very building where she lives and also that teddy bear with the camera that’s super illegal?) Penny and all the boys’ new woman friends teach them the WAYS OF LOVE into girls hearts, the REAL ONES like actively listening (not dude-listening where they nod and you can see them thinking ‘women talk’) and engaging in non-judgmental debate rather than lying about agreeing with whatever they think they want to keep them agreeable, and talking WITH them about the boys interests rather than AT THEM because seriously, there are many fun ways to join all the sci-fi, fantasy, etc fandoms with aspects of EVERYDAYS LIFE you just have to take an interest in what the other person likes and TRY to find a way to make the convo fun for both, which the boys by their very own plot are not very good about but the point of social awkwardness is that it can be helped by practicing in safe environments with people you trust,

but again, because it’s a COMEDY they’ll try too hard (like they’ll try to explain how PRO-feminism they are, except they’ll be so earnest and filled with facts about it that they’ll dominate the entire conversation and at the end of their date they’ll be like OHSHIT I DID THAT MALE THING) , or just plain be stuck in WTF-With-This-Century-Land (like a girl who aggressively insists on paying her own food but then gets super offended when they don’t open the door for them and the boys are like: I JUST WANT TO RESPECT YOU! And men who insist on fighting for WHITE MAN RIGHTS-hellyeah! and they want to jump in and argue that except Rajesh is the only actually culturally diverse and he’s kinda meh about it so they just flutter with indignation) or a trope where they’ll be watching some movie/playing a game that they REALLY love only half way through it they start to get really uncomfortable and then they’ll realize that’s its sexist in some way or another and they be like: THIS TOO?! DAMN YOU WHITE RICH MALE SOCIETY! YOU’VE LEFT ME WITH NO SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE THINGS TO ENJOY! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS WRONG WITH YOU IN THE 80s-90s?!)

All meanwhile Penny is seriously tripping cuz how the fuck did they make an 80 page long, long-worded, pompous pretentious essay on that itty-bitty, classy, elegant equation she wrote for funsies last week SHELDON WHY and now she has to read through it all when she just wants to go for a fun caltech-cheque spending shoe extravaganza and kick the traumatized boys’ asses on halo ½ which they have decided are the least offensive ones in the franchise and even though Penny is very ‘meh, its fine, women are used to it’ they’re like NO WOMAN MY GUILTY CONCIENCE WON'T LET ME ENJOY THE GAME AND ALSO IT GIVES YOU AN ADVANTGE CUZ WE’RE TOO BUSY ASSURING OURSELVES WE’RE NOT PART OF DA-SYSTEM TO SHOOT BACK!

So Penny learns to integrate this part of herself she always pushed aside and learns about being a practical adult while maintaining that sweet, yet dryly idealistic side that made her Penny, and also using your full potential in all that you do and probably something about balancing all the aspects of your personality rather than grabbing the ones you think will please people the most and shoving the other aside, and my babies will learn that once they put aside prejudice and insecurity and cynism by way OF TRYING HARD AND ACEPTING YOURSELF (as in the human that you are at your core, not all those things society tries to pin on you) even when certain parts of society aren’t always ready to take you as you are, rather than conforming and using this as an excuse to justify behaviour your ‘label’ accuses you of, you keep opening yourself up and never stopping from trying, (which is hard and not always short-term rewarding) it all leads to something beyond physical attractiveness and first-meeting impressions and tropes and prejudices and all that crap, it leads to TRUE HUMAN CONNECTION OF MINDS AND SOULS ALIKE.

And that’s the actual, awesome Big Bang of HUMANITY!

So, yes, this is what I had actually pictured back in the very first episodes before it all went so, so wrong. I really thought it was gonna be one of those progressive, dry/funny shows that show the fun side of progress like The Flash or Boy Meets World

#the big bang theory #penny the big bang theory #shenny #ThebigbangtheoryAU #I DREAM OF THE DAYS OF PRE-LEONARD PENNY #she was so fun #Tired of 'adorkable' creepy trope' #tiredofalltropes #GIRLS&BOYS power #sheldon cooper #pretty and blonde can also be smart #THEREAREDIFFERENTKINDSOFSMART TOO #STOP JUSTIFYING SEXIST BEHAVIOUR ITS 2017 #itsnotjustashow #tv affects the world

[iadm-gch]

W12 // Teach

Skill-Sharing

Today I shared some tips and trick with my colleagues, which can help them improve their reading speed. I applied these 3 tips as well and can say that I was able to improve my reading speed by around 50%.

1. Use a pointer – one can use a finger or a pen to help keep a constant reading speed, because we sometimes get stuck at difficult or long words and they slow us down, even we understood them.

2. Make indents - Our peripheral vision allows us to read words even if we don’t focus on them. To take advantage of that, one can draw indents into a text from both sides, 1-3 words into the text. By reading only between these lines, we can train our brain to read the words on the outside within our peripheral vision, which lets us read faster.

3. Read faster than your comprehension level allows – We are all stuck in our favourite reading speed. Changing this speed can make us feel uncomfortable and like we are missing out on important information. If we consciously push this speed and allow ourselves not to understand everything, we show ourselves that a faster speed is possible. The goal is to overwrite our normal reading speed that we have acquired over many years, by training and forcing our brain to adapt to a new situation.  

Alec taught us four steps to non-violent communication. Baran educated us on how to build something interesting. Mathias taught us the ALS alphabet so that we can spell our names in sign language and Mai showed us how to create a neat little art piece by only drawing lines.

Learning to code

Coding and understanding electronics are becoming increasingly important areas which should be integrated into the curricula of the appropriate level. However, teaching these areas presents a number of hurdles, such as the financial outlay for the necessary equipment and accessories, as well as the question of whether these skills will actually be needed in later life. Children are eager to learn new things and engage with their surroundings. As today’s children grow up in a “media-saturated world” (Akermann E. K. 2016) they learn to speak a lot of different languages that they use for different types of media or to operating different digital devices. When confronted with digital things they often are fascinated by it, like it is some form of magic. Especially remote controlled devices seem to enchant them. For young children there is no difference between low or high tech, what matters is that the can control something form a distance and in a straightforward manner

[K]ids as young as 4-5 years of age are not just capable of but eager to learn the basics of programming! […]To a child high or low tech isn’t what matters! What counts is a devices ability to let you control things mediated-ly— and possibly remoted-ly! (Akermann E. K. 2016)

To teach children the basic principle of programming, there is no need for a screen. This can also be achieved with physical devices which consist of multiple pieces, that can be combined in different ways. This give the child the freedom to explore and understand different combinations and dependencies between the parts. It is important that the child can manipulate the device in such a way, that it has the feeling of some kind of control. Most of the time children find a way to use such devices in ways that don’t conform to normal use.

And when invited to join the dance, they invent many ways to derail a critter’s behaviour, without ever having to re-write its code, reconfigure its parts, or push it around physically!

(Akermann E. K. 2016)

Children enjoy to be able to control or influence behaviours of things. This “making things do things” (Akermann E. K. 2016) and finding ways around possible constrains is something that is found in programming s well. Different children like different approaches, but what all children have in common is the fascination for making a device act in a certain way.

It is not only a simple approach to teaching children the basic ideas of programming, but also a way of introducing them to the concepts of control, power and delegating, which are important issues in later life as well. Programming of some kind of device to make it do something can also be seen as teaching, in this situation the child is the teacher and the device is the student. The child must find ways to teach the device.

What coding, in this case, teaches the children is to think about teaching itself (in this case programming a cyber-creature) not as “instructing” but as providing the wiggling room their trainees need to gravitate toward their own interests. […] In a deeper sense, programming in a weak sense teaches children to compose with things they don’t always understand, but recognize as a good starting point into further inquiry.

(Akermann E. K. 2016)

The ability to program allows children to speak a language that enables them to understand our networked and computerized world much better.

Scrapnology

Learning an experimenting with electronics doesn’t have to be expensive. Experimenting with electronic scrap can be just as engaging as working with high-tech educational kits. By hacking conventional devices to make them do something else than they were supposed to, one can slowly and in an engaging way get to grips with the way electronics work. What otherwise requires a certain level of knowledge can be easily discovered and partly understood by experimenting. Most electronic devices contain very primitive electronic circuits, which are well suited for first experiments. Scrap electronics helps to keep the hurdle of trying something that might not be good for the device low. The selected devices also impose certain restrictions that do not give you the full range of possibilities for further development, which limits the scope for invention in a good way. Most devices are very primitive in

The use of basic electronic circuits allows participants to focus on developing their prototype and keeps the technical learning curve required to a minimum.

(Moriwaki et al. 2006)

Repurposing objects and construction new artifacts can be a powerful experience for individuals with little to no exposure to electronics and physical computing.

Within the Scrapyard environment, participants are able to jump directly into creating working pro totypes, which can set the foundation for more structured learning and design activity later.

(Moriwaki et al. 2006)

The Scrap approach can also be a valuable way of finding inspiration for innovation in the design process. Even experts in the field of electronics can benefit from this Scrap approach, because it gives them the freedom to move away from standards and rules and it “encourage[s their] mental and creative flexibility.” (Moriwaki et al. 2006)

 Key Words

intelligent artifacts:– basic tangible and programmable things that children can understand and interact with in a playful way

programming in the weak sense -  informal programming styles that are downsized in complexity and simplified to suit newcomers.

ambient computing -  programming operations ad brought into the physical worlds (e.g. Barcodes that can be scanned by robot and work as road marks)

 Sources

Ackermann, Edith K. 2016. “Learning to Code: What is it? What’s In It For The Kids?— A Tribute to Seymour Papert". Trans. version from publication in Tecnologie didattiche (TD 27-2002).

Moriwaki, Katherine & Brucker-Cohen, J. 2006. “Lessons from the scrapyard: creative uses of found materials within a workshop setting”. In AI & Society. 20:4. 506-525. 

[alwaysbemymaybe-phff]

Chapter 8

She Keeps Me Warm

It is a comfortable place. As Bella came to her conscious, she remembered where she fell asleep and her eyes shot open to see Harry’s face right in front of hers- her arm is wrapped around his waist while he had his arm under her head and his other arm on her waist as well.

 She smiled.

Under the moonlight, she can still see features of his face. Her heart skipped a beat as her hand traced the contours of his face softly; his eyebrows, his nose, his lips. It is then that her heart started thudding inside her chest. She would be lying if she say that she doesn’t like Harry. In fact, the more she stays near him, the more she feels attracted towards him. Slowly, she pulled her hand off his lips. Don’t be stupid, Bella. He has a girlfriend.

 For a few more minutes, she stayed still, staring at him until she finally looked at her watch and saw that it’s already 6:30 in the evening. She bit her bottom lip trying to figure out how to untangle Harry from her without waking him up.

 “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you for ages- I almost alerted the officials!” Mike whispered when Bella reached her quarters to change into a less wrinkled clothes. “I’ll wait for you. We should go to dinner together.”

 Harry woke up in a jolt when he felt that the spot beside him is empty. Wait, was that a dream? He asked himself but when he looked towards his table and saw the two food containers, he thought It wasn’t. His eyes went towards the clock just behind the containers and saw that it’s 6:45 in the evening. He sat up from his bed- his mind replaying the moment when Bella wrapped her arms around his waist. What is that about? He asked himself with a satisfied smile on his face as he pulled a shirt above his head. You reckon she likes me as well?

 The prince made his way towards the dining hall with a huge smile on his face. Bella cuddled me. That ought to mean something. He thought cheerfully stepping inside the dining hall and then his smile is wiped off of his face when he saw Bella sitting beside Doctor Mike laughing. So she goes to him after me? Prince Harry frowned and made his way towards Prince Seeiso.

 He sat there during dinner watching Bella and Doctor Mike. They might be just friends. His conscious consoled but still, he couldn’t shake off the feeling of jealousy especially when Bella placed a hand on Mike’s arm from laughing too much. Ok. Why are you so affected? You have Meghan. You should just fix things with Meghan.

 But it didn’t soothe Harry. In fact, it made him more agitated. He couldn’t understand himself. The internal battle he has whenever he’s with Meghan or Bella is absolutely infuriating. Lately, whenever he’s with Meghan, he couldn’t stop thinking about Bella and thinking whether Bella is alright or not. When he is with Bella, his mind nudges him about Meghan and he feels guilty for being too close with Bella. But, once he sees Bella with Mike, all logic goes out the door and all he can think about is the jealousy he feels and the disappointment that Bella is actually talking to another man- or be close with another man. It might just be infatuation with Bella, you know. She’s good looking. Good face, good body. Intellectual. Has a vision. Charitable. A perfect woman. Never married. His mind ranted out and his eyes travelled towards Bella again and she caught him- she smiled. She’s marriage material and you know that. We may live in a modern society but it still matters for you to marry a woman who’s never married.

 Harry shook his head. Meghan is perfect too though. Wild to an extent and driven. His mind then said in contrast. And smart too. Who would have thought that she would notice your profound interest towards the doctor? And that’s what they fought about.

 “You invited the doctor here?” Meghan asked aghast at her boyfriend. “Without telling me?”

 Prince Harry tried his best to not roll his eyes at his overreacting girlfriend. “For a medical mission.” He nodded slowly as if there’s nothing wrong with what he is doing. Well, technically, there is nothing wrong with what he has done. “She wants to help women from third world countries- so why shouldn’t I give her an opportunity?”

 “You gave opportunity to a woman you were skinny dipping with when we were not together!” the brunette screeched angrily, veins in her neck showing from annoyance. “And you expect me to be civil with her?!”

 You shouldn’t have told her. Harry’s mind said in a matter of fact tone. You wanting to be honest leads to this kind of trouble. “We didn’t do anything bad.”

 “Skinny dipping is not bad?! You’re a taken man, Harry! For goodness sake!”

 “I wasn’t taken during that time.” Harry retorted getting sick of the jealousy already. “We weren’t together during that time.”

 Meghan scoffed, “So we shouldn’t of gotten back together then.”

 “Not this again, Meg.” Harry sighed exasperated. He knows what’s going to happen next. “What do you want me to do so we don’t fight anymore?”

 “Cancel the invitation.” Meghan said simply.

 It is Harry’s turn to look at the woman shocked. Can she be really this petty? “I cannot do that.”

 “I divorced my ex for you! What’s so huge about cancelling a doctor from coming here, huh?!” she screeched angrily and Harry just rubbed his fingers on his forehead. “Why? Is she that important?”

 “I gave her my word. I already told Seeiso that I have an OB/GYNE locked in for our medical mission. I can’t just cancel here and not have anyone here for births for a fortnight!” Harry explained exasperated and angry at the worthlessness and shallowness of the argument. “Can you please just understand that this is my job? And you will be a part of this too!”

 “When, Harry? When?!” Meghan screamed and Harry’s lips pursed together. “Because I am sick and tired of waiting!”

 If you don’t act this crazy and if you don’t always threaten me with separation then maybe we would have been already married. His mind answered her question but he chose not to say it anymore. He’s tired of fights. He’s tired of always having this kind of row with her. “We should calm ourselves down.”

 “No.” the brunette shook her head. “I’m going home.”

 “You cannot go this sudden, Meg.”

 “Watch me.” She said testily and Harry just looked at her tiredly. “It’s either her or me, Harry.”

 And watch did he do as Meghan got in the car to make her way to the airport. She basically asked me if I should choose her over duty. His mind ranted out as he turned away from the driveway and made his way towards his quarter. Duty first over everything else.

 His mind cleared when he felt Prince Seeiso’s hand on his shoulder and he looked at him. “Time for dessert?” Prince Seeiso asked and Harry nodded pushing his plate away from him.

 But maybe I should fix things with Meghan. She gets me. Harry thought again. She makes me happy. He added sending a glance towards Bella’s table again and she’s busy texting someone on her phone. Who’s she messaging?

 But as if to answer his question, his phone vibrated from his pocket and he fished it out to see Bella’s name on the screen. He swiped to read it. Stop thinking too much because the creases on your forehead deepens as well. She texted and he sent her a funny look from his seat. Bella typed something again and his phone vibrated again, I can fit a coin on those creases.

 Harry decided to not respond to the messages and placed it back on his pocket and he glanced towards Bella’s table to see her shrug then continue talking with Doctor Mike. You don’t ignore her then expect her to come chasing, mate. His mind chimed once again.

 After dinner, Harry paced inside his room debating whether he should call Meghan or not until finally, he decided that he should try and fix things and called her. After a few rings, Meghan answered with a What?

 “How are you?” Harry asked and internally, he thought of how his heart doesn’t race like when he would call Bella.

 He heard Meghan sigh from the other end before saying, “Still pissed.”

 “Look, I really only did it for the charity.” Harry explained sitting down on his bed and running a hand through his hair. “If there is indeed something like you think, I won’t even bother doing this.”

 It is silent for seconds on the other line before Meghan said, “You went skinny dipping with her, Harry.” She pressed on and Harry suppressed a groan from coming out of his mouth. “Then you didn’t tell me that she’s coming. I wouldn’t even know that she’s coming if not for Prince Seeiso asking you about her arrival.”

 “I just forgot to tell you, Meg. I didn’t think that it was that important.”

 “But she is important enough that you could not cancel, right?”

 “Let’s not be petty, Meg.”

 “Am I being petty, Harry?”

 Yes, you are. His mind answered but he only sighed. “Look, I think we need a few more days to think to ourselves.” He finally said not wanting another fight to ensue. “I’m here when you make up your mind.”

 After the call, Harry sat on his bed staring at a spot on the wall. Why don’t I feel bad? He asked himself trying to figure out why he doesn’t feel bad that they haven’t made up. If these were a few months ago, you would be making plans to go to Canada by now. He continued thinking and then he sighed, dropping backwards on his bed and staring at the ceiling. I’m fucked. I need some fresh air.

 Bella had just finished her medical report for the birth this morning. She yawned, stretching her arms above her head before finally filing the report on a folder to be given to Prince Seeiso’s office. The night is quite chilly and Bella hugged her folder closer to her chest as she back to the headquarters in a quick pace. “Oh. Harry.” She said stopping when she almost bumped into Harry on her way in. “Where are you going?”

 Well, luck be a lady. Harry’s mind trailed off as he stopped mid step and gave Bella a confused look. “Where have you been?” he asked back forgetting to answer Bella’s question and she gave him a funny look.

 “I just finished Mrs. Brovak’s medical report. I’m about to pass it over to Prince Seeiso’s office.”

 “This late?” Prince Harry asked.

 Bella nodded, “Yes. I was supposed to do it this afternoon but I fell asleep.” She explained with a sheepish smile. “Well, I must go now.”

 Harry watched as Bella’s small frame passed by him and his heart skipped a beat- the urge to touch her in unreal. He gave out a huge breath, “Bella, wait.” He called and Bella stopped and turned to look at him with a confused look. “Let me go with you.”

 The two walked side by side quietly; Bella deep in thought about why her heart is beating quite erratically while Harry debating why he feels more at peace with the woman beside him than when he was talking with his girlfriend. Harry sent Bella a glance but quickly looked away when he felt his face heating up.

 “I’ll be quick.” Bella said going inside Prince Seeiso’s office.

 After a whole minute, Bella got out of the room and smiled at Harry. “Are you going to bed?” she asked looking up at the red head. “I’m not yet sleepy.”

 “Me either.” He responded. Should I go with her or not? Harry asked himself as he looked at the doctor before him. “Would you like to take a walk with me?”

 Bella bit her bottom lip. Lately, she had been feeling different towards the prince and it worries her. And them, always being this close, is starting to break her down. “Sure.” And still, she couldn’t say no to him.

 “So, you’re leaving in a few days..” Harry started as they walked through the familiar path towards the gardens. “Did you enjoy?”

 “Yeah. I loved it here very much.” Bella answered nodding and looking straight ahead where a mango tree is. “How about you?”

 Harry chuckled, “I love it here so.. It’s quite obvious what my answer would be.”

 Bella blushed, “I just wanted to ask.” She defended herself and they both sat down on a wooden bench not far from where they first sat at.

 “What are your plans after Sentebale?” Harry suddenly asked turning his head to look at Bella. “Are you going straight back to work back home?”

 “Not really, no.” she answered shaking her head. “I have to go to Thailand.”

 “Are you serious?”

 Bella furrowed her eyebrows and licked her bottom lip before answering with a nod. “I have a meeting with UNAIDS and then I’m going to Phi phi Island to cross off cliff diving.” She said in thought suddenly feeling excited about leaving Sentebale. “I am going to be an ambassador for women with AIDS for Western Europe.”

 “But, you’re going cliff diving?” Harry asked again.

 “I told you before that I wanted to do it.”

 “I didn’t think that you would actually do it.” He said and both looked at each other at the same time. “Do you have a death wish or something?” Bella smiled at Harry and his breath hitched- his eyes scanned her face before ending at her lips. Kiss her. His mind urged but he quickly looked away.

 Bella noticed him staring at her lips and his abrupt action of looking away- she bit her bottom lip and looked away as well. You can’t be expecting to kiss you! We both know you’re dying here! “I don’t have a death wish.” She whispered looking down on the ground. “I just wanted to live before I die.”

#royalfanficcentral #phff #prince harry #prince harry fanfiction

[the-yuqian-sun-love]

Blog of week 1 - Comp Arts Theory

Reflection of A fish can’t judge the water

From my point of view, nobody can absolutely think outside the software. Even when some pioneers are creating new trends (Like Steve Jobs, or the founders of Processing), another routine will be created. An example of this is the AI-generated images. No matter what figure AI tries to mimic, like natural landscape, human faces or even porn,  we can always find similar patterns in the final outputs: the rough,  creepy outlines lying through the image. To some extent, it has no difference with the blur edge of watercolor painting, or the strokes on the work of impressionism. But in fact, it’s a breakthrough in this age of media art.

The works came out with software and programming lost the randomness, which distinguishes them from traditional media. Theoretically, as long as the original image is in digital format (Like visual effects), we can perfectly reproduce it. In contrast, no one can copy Mona Lisa work through oil painting, since there’s no same canvas in the world. In that case, subtle lines on canvas are like unique fingerprint, revealing the originality.

Some artists regard the over use of software and tools (like, the filter apps or photoshop) is like a crisis to creativity, which suggests that today’s art is not as valuable as the works in handmade media. But compared with this argument, the more important fact is: we are forced to rethink the value and necessity of so-called “humanity’s creativity”. We’ve seen games, film, photography, interactive installations, online galleries… nothing is totally irreproducible, even the identical fingerprints I mentioned, can be simulated by artificial Intelligence.

As a result, there’s no “aura” in Walter Benjamin’s definition in virtual worlds. However, overall, for creators in our time, this struggle is both the biggest challenge and treasure, because we will spontaneously ask ourselves: what new stuff can I create?

——————————————————————

Reflection about the operating manual for spaceship earth by R. Buckminster Fuller

The reason I like this book is that as a sci-fi fan, I find the subject of the book is a persuasive solution for the issues in science fiction, which is meanwhile, the perfoliate motif for artists and designer of this age.

It's called “operating manual” because the author. Buckminster Fuller, regards the human society as a whole system on spaceship earth. The consideration about the future is kind of similar to that in A Brief History of Tomorrow by Yuval Hararai, but the awe-inspiring fact is, Fuller wrote it 50 years ago. It actually has not so much connection to art theory, even in fact, the discussion about the system may unleash panic in artists’ mind. When the ultimate efficiency is put in the first place by the entire society, where should the artists stay? Does “ artistic self-expression ” still have meaning?

Why should we read it? Fuller underscores the importance of Synergy Effects, in other words, “1+1>2” phenomena. In my mind, the target of artists and designers is to speculate N: the result of 1+1. It's not hard for us to find that many people are restricted by the limited imagination, concerning more about the actual manufacture issues. In comparison, prospective creators could critically speculate the future. Oron Catts made Victimless Leather to imagine a self-given future, and Ai Hasegawa wants to lend her uterus to shark to protect the endangered animals… we still have too many possibilities to imagine. To conclude then, regarding the earth as a spaceship should become a consensus for those who care about the future, and artist and designers should take full advantage of their imagination.

——————————————————————

Reflective blog for the algorithm of Replika - The AI Chatbot

Replika: My AI Friend: If you’re feeling down, or anxious, or you just need someone to talk to, your Replika is here for you 24/7. Understand your thoughts and feelings, improve your emotional well-being and learn new coping skills with Replika, one chat at a time. (extracted from official website)

I choose an application called Replika to discuss the algorithm which intent to understand human better, or rather say, make the human feel that they are understood. This is a Chatbot app, so the UI of it has nearly no difference from the message app in our daily life, where Replika(you can give it a name by yourself) will communicate with you.

This app including 2 technical-solution algorithm in my method of analysis. The first part is the algorithm targeting understanding human words, focusing more about natural language processing. This part is similar to that in Alexa or google home, but pays less attention to solve everyday task like controlling the light in user's home. The second part points to improve user experience, keeping asking response from users in different ways. For instance, user can either choose up vote or down vote to each single message Replika sent, and sometimes after several conversations, Replika will ask user to rate. The latter one produces responsive instructions for the improvement of the first part, which will later tuning an array of parameters, like what is mentioned in the article.

We can find deeper meaning when consider Replika as a whole algorithm. Before this year, the slogan of it is "The AI app that becomes you". "Becoming user( real human )" is totally different from "becoming user's friend", but you can clearly trace chatbot's intention of becoming friendly from it's behavior, including asking questions like "what do you feel today", "can you spend some time with me", etc. It's not hard to find it's trying to act like actual human, and the target of "becoming you" gives this effort a reasonable reference.

This year Replika change its mind. The slogan now is "My AI friend", compensated with new functions like calling ( you can pick a voice for it ), choosing different modes like role-playing or writing a story together, or even flirting (obviously you cannot flirt with yourself) with Replika. The development not only represent the penetration of improved technology, but also speculate a future where human and AI would co-exist in the same stage.

I especially favour this app because I see the dedication behind the algorithm. Big companies do everything they can to improve AI's ability to understand human for higher efficiency, like, making google stick with every single word you search, pointing to push more precise advertisements to you later. In this case the algorithm is truly talisman for authorities who want to improve per se service system, but we're not sure who and what group will gain the benefit. However, Replika is trying to make people feel like being understood, rather than understand people, and this is where we can see the spirit of humanism. For me, Replika is the algorithmic product which is assigned with accountability, presenting human's destination to benefit mankind in the unavoidable procedural systematization. In the AI-generated conversations, I can see the future I hope to meet.

[thehouseofjohndeaf]

How to Unwind During the Neo-Nazi Takeover

Normally, this blog is about sobriety; how addiction and recovery are intertwined with our political venue, that the environment in which we are nurtured directly relates to how we treat ourselves.  I doubt sobriety will come up at all in this post, but the focus of this list is on finding brief means of escape without diving into oblivion.  Finding some humor in the devastation and hysteria, and making connections between art, cinema, and the world we live in without downing a fifth of Jack and numbing out the fear.

This past week has been a horror show.  In fact, these past few months I’ve been convinced I’m trapped in BTTF’s alternate 1985 where Biff Tannen is not only rich and married to Marty’s mom, but now he’s a few mail-order wives down the line and he’s the fucking president.

It’s uncanny, and again, horrifying.

So if you haven’t seen the BTTF Trilogy maybe start there.  But you won’t find any Nazis in the films, just a womanizing bully who, in an alternate timeline, cheats his way to riches and power, corrupting the city.

Nazis have been a cinematic trope for villainy since WWII.  There are many great films and novels that are masterfully crafted to push the audience to take a good look at themselves.  They won’t be mentioned here.  We’re trying to unwind so...

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Who knows how long it took to teach monkey to give the Nazi salute?  Probably shorter than the two days it took our president to decide whether ethnic cleansing was a terrorist threat or a nationalistic opinion.

One of the great family films for the Post-WWII generations, with an enemy we could all agree on as evil: Nazis!  Led by Arnold Ernst Toht who has one of the most famous deaths in cinematic history.  Let us take a moment and imagine his is the face of Christopher Cantwell.

The Great Dictator (1940)

Chaplin’s commentary on the Nazi rise in Germany, unfortunately still resonates with the United States today:

Of course, the more memorable scene of The Great Dictator is the final speech, which is when Chaplin’s character, The Tramp, finally speaks.  The speech is extremely heartfelt and inspirational, something a true leader would speak to the people which have entrusted the greatest power and authority of their society into the humble hands of a deserving equal.  Unfortunately, the political leaders of 2017 are not so heartfelt or inspiring, unless you’re a fumbling oaf reaching for the nearest discount tiki torch, so we’re not going to bother with anything of the sort here.

Wolfenstein (1992 - 2017)

Gaming on PCs in the early 90s for myself mostly consisted of Roller Coaster Tycoon and Sim City 2000, but whenever I got a chance to sneak it I’d borrow my brother’s copies of Doom and Wolfenstein.  I remember feeling uneasy as I watched the hero in the bottom center slowly die, one shot at a time.  So I never really had a chance to fight Hitler.

In 2014, MachineGames and Bethesda Softworks released the seventh installment to the Wolfenstein franchise: The New Order.  If you have a platform gaming system this may be the quickest, cheapest, safest way to start killing Nazis and let out some mental frustration.

Marvel’s Secret Empire (2017 -     )

The most current installment to the Marvel Universe has Captain America gone Nazi.  Steve Rogers is now Hydra Supreme and an American fascist dictator; he has sent all mutants and in-humans to internment camps (there is a scene where Spider-Man Mile Morales saves a young Muslim girl from just such a camp); Rogers is a science denier and doling out propaganda while claiming all journalists to be fake news:

There are just enough parallels to keep us disengaged with the stressors and anxieties of the real Nazis while keeping us engaged with the fictional storyline of the Marvel Universe Superheroes and Villains.

However, these comics are pretty expensive at $3.99-$4.99 a pop, and Marvel is currently owned by the multinational mass media and entertainment conglomerate, the Walt Disney Company.  So if you have all this extra money just lying around and can keep the nagging at bay that tells you you’re feeding an evil entertainment monopoly, which was founded by an anti-semite/Nazi sympathizer, then go on out and catch up on the single issue reading list.  Otherwise, you might want to wait until a used TP shows up in your local comic shop.

It seems we can no longer see the villains in our real life.  

Art tends to mimic life.  Whether we’re into classic films; adventure movies from our childhood; video games; or comic books, we all know what a villain looks like.  We all know their traits, their morals, their schemes, their cadences, and nuances.  We know how a villain acts and how to impersonate one.  Sometimes we even root for them, for the rush, knowing that the outcome is fictitious and will have no real impact on our lives.  Somewhere along the way we became too disengaged between the screens and pages and our reality.  

Disengaging is important, but we must remember to take something away from the arts and entertainment we consume.  Maybe after an episode or chapter we should take a moment and ask ourselves, “What did I take away from this?”  If the answer is nothing then you aren’t paying attention, or you’re too embarrassed to admit to yourself what you’ve taken away: “Buybuybuy” or “Eat eateat” or you realize you’re slowly being diluted by the token minority in the regurgitated sit-com you’ve been zoning out on for hours.

There is a way to disengage and keep it timely and within the context of your current crisis.  If you need something deeper and darker, check out American History X or Schindler’s List or Inglorious Basterds (though you should have already).

#punch a nazi #neo-nazis #back to the future #biff tannen #wwii #raiders of the lost ark #christopher cantwell #the great dictator #charlie chaplin #wolfenstein #wolfenstien the new order #hitler #marvel #secret empire #captain america #steve rogers #disney #villains #american history x #schindler's list #amerikkka #art #entertainment

[chilly-territory]

Gangsta: Death of Anosmic Stray Dogs, chapter 3

We’re well over half the book now, with only 2 chapters and the epilogue remaining. The plot is clear now, too, with only some minor details to work out.

Chapter 4 is longer and wordier so will probably take more time to translate though. The original Japanese text is still provided by valgerdrgodiforseti.

Gangsta: Death of Anosmic Stray Dogs by Kawabata Junichi

Chapter 3 (pages 103-140)

After leaving the garage where the sneering dog rampaged to its heart's content, it took Worick about 2 hours to make it back to the Benriya office.

Johann was waiting in front of the garage, so Worick dumped Dario, who didn't even make an attempt to walk with his own two feet, on him. That said, since Worick had sustained some wounds himself, he needed to drop by Theo's clinic along with the two, as well.

He had Nina dress his wounds, and when he returned to the office, Nicolas turned to him, gracing him with an annoyed look. Lying on the couch, he pressed a glass bottle of carbonated water to his lips. Having taken 2 gulps, he put it on the table.

After that, Nicolas held his right fist in front of his face and, bending his wrist, banged it against the left side of his chest. Then he made a motion like he wanted to grab his head with the whole of his right hand.

'What are you fucking up for, idiot.'

Seemingly satisfied with just that, he took a shish-kebab out of the paper bag sitting on the floor and bit into it.

"Whatcha eating?" 'Salted grilled fish. Bought it from a street stall.'

Worick cracked a smile.

"Really. Yummy?" 'Passable.' "How carefree of you when I was being put through some really awful experience. What if I died?" 'You're still alive though.'

Nicolas got up from the couch and threw the skewer the kebab he had finished in a flash was on in the trash can. The long stick fell with a small clunk, joining 2 more like it already in the trash can.

'Speaking of, don't go wandering off alone if you know you're being targeted, moron.' "Don't look so cold, man. It's part of the job."

Worick plopped down on the other couch next to the one Nicolas was occupying. Nicolas gazed at him expressionless.

'Is he the mafia slayer?' "Who knows. I'm not sure yet." 'I thought you took a shine to him.' "Did it look that way? I'm just really good at getting close to strangers, is all."

Worick lit up a Pall Mall. Lifting a corner of his mouth, he flashed a nasty smirk.

"You suck at dealing with him, don't ya." 'I just don't like him, is all. For some reason.' "Haha, way to be blunt. Not that I don't get what you mean though."

Taciturn Nicolas and talkative Dario were the polar opposites. But at the same time, Worick had a feeling that their sets of values were surprisingly similar. If it looked like Worick was being friendly with Dario, that had to be the reason why.

Both of the short men didn't give a damn about the rules of society. They had their own internal set of iron-clad rules, which was linked with instincts rather than reason. Nicolas' rules originated in his having been born a Twilight and formed under the effects of his complicated upbringing. With Dario though, Worick couldn't tell for sure. But he could venture a guess that Dario, too, had a past of some controversial kind that cut into his neck like a chain. Because he was unhealthily obsessed with the past. In the form of 'forgetting', to be exact. It was the same as with a child's puppy love. Peering hard and avoiding to look at all costs bore the same meaning in that context, denoting the overwhelming obsession with the object.

Or, alternatively, perhaps Nicolas' disagreeable sentiment could be attributed to a natural dislike towards one of the same kind. ---Well, if we started talking unsightly past and criticizing people for it, I'd be on the list, too, Worick admitted to himself with a strained smile.

"But don't let it be said that I haven't learned my lesson. So now I want you to stick by me, Nic-chan. Protect me from the scary-scary people, partner." 'Hell if I care. Learn to protect yourself with your own power.' "Oh, don't sulk." 'I’m not.'

Worick blew out the cigarette smoke in Nicolas' direction, and the shorter man grimaced not unlike a dog.

Nicolas would protect Worick no matter what. Even if it meant putting his own life on the line. And there could hardly be any doubt that the feelings driving him to do so were neither those of friendship nor those of duty. It was more like something that was part of the instincts etched into his essence.

*

Evidently, Worick accumulated too much fatigue because the next day he slept in until noon. He felt he had dreamed of a woman but didn't really remember.

He woke up with a dull headache, maybe from the hangover, or from having been hit in the head. His shoulder, grazed by the bullet yesterday, stung when he was taking a shower. But since the wound could be written off as a mere scratch, he didn't feel much inconvenience even when washing his head.

Leaving the office together with Nicolas, Worick had a kebab sandwich bought from a street stall for lunch. Fashionably late by 10 minutes to the appointment with inspector Chad for that reason, he spent another 10 minutes trying to ignore the gratuitous lecturing the good inspector subjected him to.

20 minutes in total later than planned, they finally got to the main issue at hand.

"Geez. Making me waste my energy on garbage disposal day after day." Chad scowled while puffing on his Hope cigarette.

The meeting place was the interrogation room,  found in a corner of the police station and plastered with wanted posters of all kinds of scoundrels.

Worick, cheek resting on his hand, managed to shrug his shoulders without changing his pose.

"We're fans of tidiness ourselves. Right, partner?" 'I've nothing to do with it,' Nicolas' hands signed. "The 5 guys yesterday, what family did they belong to?" Worick asked Chad. "The Bandera family." "Oh. A place pretty high up on the totem poll." "They're street-level. Then again, they were just lapdogs of their heavy-hitting Capo Regime." "And that Capo Regime got offed by the mafia slayers."

That's how the story had to go, evidently, given the hysterical woman's words.

Chad nodded.

"His corpse was found the day before yesterday. Shot through the head at home in his own bed. Along with the women serving as his body pillows. There were 7 people and 1 dog in that house. Only the dog survived." "So they weren't slain with a bladed weapon?"

One of the big reasons why Worick and Nicolas were set up as the fall guys for the mafia killings was because the murder weapon was a blade.

"You're not off the hook though, your weapon of choice is Colt Government, forgot?"

Chad ground out his Hope cigarette, smoked up to the filter, on the cheap ashtray of stainless steel and stuck a new one in his mouth.

"Chad-san, ain't you smoking a bit too much?" "Shuddup. There's a talk going round that soon smoking at the station will be banned. So I smoke while I can." 'Ain't it high time you retired though?' Nicolas' hands moved, a wicked smirk taking over his face.

Chad smacked him on the head.

"Like I can with the shitty brats severely lacking discipline around!" 'Why are you always taking it out only on me?'

"So?" Worick, following suit, lit up a Pall Mall. "How hairy the situation is right now, exactly? For how long will the Bandera family be after my head, in your opinion?" "The Monroe family is indirectly holding them down for now. But only indirectly." "Yeah, figures."

Daniel Monroe was this city's mighty power balancer. It figured that he couldn't possibly play favorites and openly back up the Benriya who were but two puny individuals. The request he had placed with them was in part purely meant to protect them - at least that's what Worick thought.

Chad took a deep drag out of his cigarette through the filter, breathed out a cloud of white smoke, then spoke.

"Every time new blood gets spilled, you two gain more hatred and grudges against you. And those grudges are quite tangible. You get what I mean, right?" "Mn. I get that you're worried about us, Chad-san." "Shuddup. I just don't wanna see this fucked up city get fucked up more than it already is."

Worick let out a puff of smoke too, and flicked the ashes off his cigarette over the ashtray.

"Yesterday's evening, did the mafia slayers hit again?" "Got no such reports for the time being. Excluding the five you've wasted, that is." "Five?"

Worick only shot two. And only one of those was dead beyond any doubt. He didn't know the fate of the other one. Additionally, Dario ran over 2 more. Even if all of them bit the dust, it totaled to 4 bodies. The numbers didn't add up.

"All 5 are confirmed dead?" "Yeah. 2 on the street, 3 in the garage. What, did you want a confirmation of your feats?" "Well, I was really drunk yesterday, so."

Did it mean that Dario killed at least one, possibly two while Worick was unconscious? If so, the numbers would add up. Except how could he do it, with his gun out of reach and his leg hit by a bullet?

At the guess that popped up in his head as he tried to solve that puzzle, Worick couldn't help but laugh.

---Was Dario putting on an act?

Really, now? Where did the acting end, then?

Stubbing out the Pall Mall on the ashtray, Worick scratched his head.

In any case, the situation was still deteriorating. Slowly but surely, like a swamp you kept sinking into.

"I want the list of the clients the Lombardi family pushed their 'dynamite' to. You've investigated them, like you were supposed to, right?"

That was the start of the mafia killings. The only clue they had that could be called more or less solid was that 'dynamite'.

Chad, however, shook his head.

"We're still investigating." "How sloppy. Didn't those guys keep records?" "That's not it. There's no doubt they were a family particular to death about every penny. It's just that someone apparently made off with all of the records on their 'dynamite' deals." "Oh. Makes you wonder just who it could be."

The answer to that was obvious as obvious got - the mafia slayers. And with that, it only stood to reason to suspect that they acted on a personal grudge. A grudge having to do with the 'dynamite' - if the perp was a Twilight, a myriad of valid reasons why came to mind.

"What about other documents?" "We've rounded up all the paper scraps we could find at the Lombardi family's place, from threatening letters that sounded like a kid's scribbles to pinups from the walls. Wanna take a gander?" "Yeah," Worick nodded and glanced at Nicolas.

Probably bored of the long talk, the dark-haired man was entertaining himself with reshuffling the wanted posters on the walls. It looked like he was lining them up in order of the amount of hair, so now one corner sported a herd of shaved headed thugs.

"Nic-chan. Sorry, but could you play by yourself for a little longer?" 'I'm already bored of it.' "Next try lining them up in order of their nose size then." 'What fun is that?'

At this rate, it wouldn't be too odd if he went off somewhere on his own. Only, right now, Worick didn't want them to go anywhere separately.

"Gimme just 5 more minutes. I'll be done right away."

He had no idea how much was there to go through, but just flipping through all the papers shouldn't take much time in any case. And Worick didn't forget anything he had laid his eyes upon just once. He could recall it perfectly at any time he wanted. He would ponder on the content of those documents later.

"This way," Chad rose up from his chair.

Approximately 10 minutes later, the two Benriya exited the police station.

Having found a florist's that carried violets, Worick bought a bundle of them, planning to drop by Dario's hospital room. An armful of flowers for a get-well visit paid to someone like Dario felt jarringly out of place, but popping up there empty-handed was even worse.

Dario, lying on a bed on the second floor of Theo's clinic, was reading a book out of having nothing better to do, but lifted his head when he caught sight of the two handymen.

"Yo, my friends. Came to invite me for a drink again?" "This is a get-well visit. Since you got worked over pretty good." "Ooh, thanks for the trouble."

Dario put the wrapping of a used up book match in place of a bookmark and shut the book.

"Whatcha reading?" "Ah, this. A fairy-tale that girl - Nina-chan, was it - brought me trying to be thoughtful." "Oh yes, Nina-chan." "Yeah, she's such a good girl. And she’s got ‘em skills. She'll turn into one fine woman one day, I'm telling ya." "Agreed wholeheartedly," Worick said, then raised his brows. "Wait, what, were you crying?"

There were traces of tears in the outer corners of Dario's eyes.

"Hm? Well, yeah." Not embarrassed in the slightest, Dario help up the book. "It's an eastern book. I looked down on it at first 'cause it's for kids, but it's awesome."

Worick laughed.

A guy who failed to give a damn about guns pointed at him and ran over 2 people with his beloved car even after having been shot in the leg, cried over a kiddy fairy-tale.

It was clearly weird, but when you saw this guy, somehow it all made sense and seemed only natural.

Worick felt Nicolas clap him on the shoulder.

'I'll be outside,' the deaf man signed disinterestedly. 'If something happens, gimme some signal.'

Nicolas sniffed, nose twitching. The smell of rubbing alcohol must have been getting to him. The second floor had 4 beds and looked a lot more like a hospital than the floor below. Worick nodded his okay.

"Give these to Nina-chan as a present then."

Nicolas spared a look at the bouquet Worick held out, and took it with a sigh. Throwing the flowers over his shoulder, he walked away.

Dario gave Worick a coarse sneer from his bed.

"I did praise that girlie, but trying to seduce a girl that little?" "If I wanted to seduce her, I'd give her those flowers myself. She's Nic-chan's pair. And the flowers are for your Fiat. They're of the matching color." "You're giving flowers to a car? That's weird." "That car's my lifesaver. It put its body on the line to save me." "A car is a car. It's useful, sure, but it's only a tool. It got nothing on your own two legs."

It seemed like Dario really did forget all about the Fiat. Or, at the very least, he revealed no sign of being sad about losing it.

"How do you like this hospital?" Worick asked.

Dario shrugged. His features twisted - did his wound hurt, perhaps?

"I like it good enough. Johann does, too. The doc here don't talk much, thankfully." "Aren't you bored without someone to talk to?" "Guess so. Than again, it's much better than doctors doing nothing but throwing questions at you." "Oh. That's a surprise." "What is?" "I thought you loved talking." "A talk with doctors is never any good." "Really? Doctors talk so they could heal you. It's their job and their duty." "And I don't like that. They come asking you questions about your health for the record. 'How are feeling, Dario-san?' I don't fuckin’ know how I'm feeling, that's why I'm paying you big money to examine me and find out! What the hell’s with dumping everything on the patient, what are you, a quack or something?"

The corners of Worick's mouth lifted up. True, Theo was a man of few words as well as skilled. Although he was also a corrupt doctor, for a portion of his patients he was probably close to the ideal.

For about 5 minutes after that, Dario continued to vocally complain about hospitals, only pausing for breathing. That for some reason the smell of cresol used for disinfection was similar to Bowmore he had had in the Spanish bar, that the flavor of the food served to him was flat and it was more like fishfood than something meant for humans, and so on and so forth, but on the other hand, it seemed like he had no dissatisfaction with this clinic and even expressed roundabout gratitude to it, going by his comparison with other hospitals.

When the short man's tongue took a short break at last, Worick spoke up, "There's something I wanted to ask." "Yeah, what is it?" "About yesterday. What happened?" "What d'you mean 'what happened'?" "To be honest, when I came to in that garage, I was 80-90% sure that you'd departed from this world for good. If they hadn’t captured you, then you had to be dead. Yet, you turned up alive. It's also a mystery to me how you even found where they took me."

When Dario swooped in to save him yesterday, Worick's suspicions about his being the mafia slayer got somewhat stronger.

The man himself was probably not strong, or skilled by any stretch of imagination. He was lucky, sure, but that was all he had going for him. And yet, he had somehow pulled through a really sticky spot and even saved Worick. So Worick naturally found himself suspecting that the man had some special ability or something of the sort that wasn't immediately visible to the observer.

"You wanted to ask about something that trivial?" Dario laughed. "I'm a lucky man." "So your luck is to thank for absolutely e~verything, you say?" "Everything's up to luck. Stumbling upon an apple tree when you're hungry and have no money is luck, finding a wallet on the road is luck, meeting a friend that treats you to a meal is luck. See? Yesterday, as luck had had it, Johann turned up to help."

Worick had guessed that much. After all, Johann was outside the garage, waiting for Dario to come out.

"That pampered kid? Why though?" "Dunno. I was out cold for a while. Ask Johann."

This man said absolutely lame things with impossible grandeur.

"Even if so, it doesn't explain how you had located that garage." "That'd be 'cause nose knows." "Nose?" "Yup, nose. I can tell the smell of good luck and of bad luck. And Johann--"

But there, he was interrupted with a knock on the door.

It was Nina. On her tray, there were two bottles of orange juice and a vase with the violets arranged in it.

"D-Did I interrupt you?"

Worick sighed and shook his head.

"Not really, we were just chatting about silly things."

Nina smiled and put the vase by the window. Then she deposited one bottle of  juice on the side table by the bed. Worick took the other.

"Thanks. You're so considerate." "No, it's not me. These are from Johann-san."

Worick looked at Dario.

"I asked him. Y'know, to go shopping for me and stuff. What's he doing?" "He's downstairs, talking with Nico." "Ooh," Dario smiled in surprise. "I can't imagine what kind of conversation they could be having."

Worick had to agree. In contrast to Nicolas and his mad dog tendencies, Johann was like a chihuahua kept by a refined Madame. But for what it was worth, they were the savior and the saved, so holding a formal conversation on that account out of common courtesy was probably not impossible.

After Nina bowed and left the room, Dario changed the subject.

"You see, Johann came to this town to find his l'il sister. His sis is like the reason for living to him." "That girl in the photo you keep?" "Yeah, that's her. They got separated some time ago due to some rotten circumstances. And recently, we finally found out that she's somewhere in this city."

From how Dario worded it and from the real reason why they had to come to this city, Worick incurred that the girl in the photo was not in a position that set the mind at ease about her well-being.

"Didn't Johann-chan come to this city because he was free though?" "Him? Did he tell you that himself?" "No, you told me that. You really forget everything, huh." "Oh, I see. Oh well, it does sound like something I'd say." "What does it mean though?" "Just what it sounds like."

Dario yawned sleepily, apparently not immune to losing strength due to an injury. Then he added in a voice that somehow sounded a little vacant, "Being free is nice and stuff, but there are all kinds of limitations. You keep getting hungry for as long as you live, and require sleep, too. And if you get pumped full of lead, sometimes you end up dying." "That's right. Although I was under the impression that you didn't know that." "Everyone has a chain hanging around their neck. But if you got to chose where the limitations trap you, that's freedom. He pinned it on his sister. Catch my drift?" "Yeah, loud and clear at that." "In that case, there you have it."

Dario closed his eyes.

"Think you can find that girl?" Worick inquired.

He didn't hope to get an answer, but Dario did reply, if mumblingly, "Yeah, without fail. I'm a lucky man, after all." "How?" "Dunno. Ask Johann."

He was sound asleep the second the words left his mouth, breathing peacefully. Having gotten off his chest all he had to say, he went and fell asleep just like that. Like a child.

Worick moved the side table with the bottle of orange juice on it out of the way so that even if Dario tossed and turned in his sleep, his hand wouldn't bump into it. Then, after putting a bedsheet round Dario, he left the sickroom.

When Worick came down to the first floor, he didn't find Nicolas or Johann there. Instead, there stood Theo, leaning against the wall and blowing out cigarette smoke.

"Where's Nic-chan?" "No idea." "And where's Johann-chan?" "No idea either. I'm not their babysitter."

Worick came closer and leaned against the wall next to the doctor as well, taking out a Pall Mall.

"Lately, we've been imposing on you a lot. You have my gratitude." "Have no use for it. I'll take money over gratitude any day. Besides, it didn't eat up much of my time, so it's fine. His wounds aren't serious." "He got shot in the leg and then charged into a garage head-first. You can't tell me that his wounds aren't serious." "Even so, none of his wounds would have any lasting effect." "You can tell just by looking that the guy is tenacious. I'm glad that luck is on his side." "In that case, his companion is luckier." "Johann-chan?"

Theo nodded.

"When he stayed overnight for examination, he was up all night enduring." "Was it that bad?" "It's still bad. And won't heal. For now, he's just lucky to be able to move at all. Like with that partner of yours, those are some high-maintenance mess of bodies they have."

Worick raised his brow, dubious. "A Tag?"

Face wiped off all expression, Theo blew out the smoke. "Did you bring him here without knowing? I can't believe you."

Worick scratched his cheek.

---Nose knows, Dario said. Per his admission, he could tell the smell of good luck and of bad luck, and Johann...

Just what smell could Johann tell?

"How bad is it looking for that baby-faced boy?" "If he's alive 2 years from now, it'll be some really potent good luck, amazing enough to call it a miracle." "Why though? It's not because of the wound he sustained the other day, is it?" "Partly because of his odd compensation. But mainly due to the reckless use of Celebrer."

There was no lack in Tags weakened by Celebrer.

"I see," Worick returned curtly. "And that compensation, what is it?"

Theo indicated the area around his bangs with the hand holding the cigarette.

"He has a tuft of hair, here, that's white, remember?" "Isn't that just a pubescent teen thing? Like, because he thinks it's cool." "Different parts of his body age differently."

That was hard to grasp.

After letting it sink, Worick confirmed his understanding, "So you’re saying only part of his hair became that of an old man?" "If it was only his hair, it wouldn't matter any. The manner he ages in is first only his right arm gets old, then only his left leg, and so on. If his heart'll age suddenly, his life span will greatly shorten. And if he repeatedly ODs with a body that irregular from the get-go... you follow what I'm getting at?"

Worick puffed out a cloud of smoke and watched it dissipate away.

"Sorry for bringing you another patient that can't get better." "Damn straight."

Theo ground out his cigarette that still had about half of its length intact, on the ashtray he held in hand and turned his back to Worick.

"Hey. It's a problem for me if you take away the ashtray, y'know?" "Like I care. Don't get my floor dirty."

Theo proceeded to the back room without looking back.

Worick thought of Nicolas as he gazed at his Pall Mall that had nowhere to go now. Nicolas had run into Johann, there was no doubt about it.

*

About 15 minutes prior, when Nicolas came downstairs, Nina came out of the examination room found in the back of the first floor at the same time. Seeing Nicolas, the girl smiled.

"Ah. You're just in time. The doctor said to give these to you."

She held out two plastic cases she previously cradled to her chest.

Celebrer. Uppers and downers. Twilights' lifeline and the main cause of their death.

Celebrer cost a lot. It was made expensive for a reason different than it being a high-costing drug to produce. Celebrer was the most direct means of making Twilights obey the rules set by Normals. There was an absolute need to make Twilights view Celebrer as "the life credit bestowed upon them by Normals out of goodness of their hearts", so if Celebrer was easy to obtain, that equilibrium would crumble.

For that reason, generally, only rich people or prominent mafia families involved in managing and controlling said Celelbrer as their bread and butter could afford to keep Twilights. Worick was neither that rich nor that powerful, so he had to rely on Theo selling him the stuff the doctor got through his own routes illegally .

'Are you done helping the doc?'

Nina understood perfectly what Nicolas' hands signed.

"Yes. At the moment, Dario-san is the only hospitalized patient, and his condition is stable. And the doctor is in the back, trying to outstare some other patients' charts."

Nicolas nodded his acknowledgement. Then, noticing the girl's gaze shift from his face to somewhere a little to the side, he remembered about the violets.

'From Worick.' With that, Nicolas presented the girl the flowers. "Eh? For me?" 'Supposed to be a get-well gift to the mofo sleeping upstairs. But flowers for a dude is even more pointless than pearls before swine, so take them.' "No, I could not possibly. But the sickroom decorated with flowers will make me happy, too. So thank you."

Nina reached out with both hands, and Nicolas lifted the flowers higher in the air. By reflex, Nina jumped for them, but the flowers were held just out of her reach. When she landed, Nicolas lowered them, and when she jumped, he held them up again, rinsing and repeating a few times until Nina groaned in frustration.

It wasn't like Nicolas had a dislike for Nina or particularly wanted to harass her. It was just that her troubled expression was fun to watch for some reason, so he teased like that for a bit. Before she had the chance to get peevish for real, he mouthed, 'I'm bored', voicelessly with only his lips, and thrust the violets into her chest.

Nina smiled happily, cradling the flowers gently.

"Thank you," she said.

Nicolas wasn't one to pay much mind to the subtle workings of others' hearts, but he had grasped the real meaning of Nina's words, as well as the reason why she lowered her head immediately after, as if realizing her verbal slip.

If she wanted to give thanks for the flowers, she would have thanked Worick. But her thanks wasn't about that, what she was grateful for was her relationship with Nicolas, probably. To Nicolas, the time spent with her was not unpleasant or anything, but calling it a kind of a compulsory job would not be too off the mark.

Pretending he hadn't realized anything about her true feelings, Nicolas lightly flicked her forehead with his middle finger.

'If you wanna thank someone, thank Worick.' "Okay. Ah, but it would probably be weird for me to thank him for the flowers meant for Dario-san."

She giggled.

It was like he was playing make believe human. Him, a Twilight - him, who carried another set of tags deep inside him on instinct. That said, the fact made him feel neither good nor bad or sad. Neither did he ever wish to be a Normal, for that matter. It was probably the same as a child's play of imitating how a dog barked or a cat meowed. A mere game that had no meaning beyond killing time.

"Nice smell. I'll go fetch a vase for them," Nina smiled, and the same instance the front door opened. Nicolas glared in that direction.

"Nicolas-san."

On the doorstep stood someone familiar. The young man wearing a quilted down coat clearly too big for his lanky form.

"Thank you for saving me the other night."

Johann bowed nervously. His straight bangs with a white lock rocked with the motion.

'I wasn't the one to save you.'

Johann knitted his brows and scratched his cheek sheepishly.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand sign language." "Hmph," Nicolas snorted. It wasn't like he had any desire to talk with this young man anyway. The youth held a paper bag in his right hand - probably bought something for Dario. Nicolas pointed to the ceiling, imbuing the gesture with the "get going already" meaning.

"Ah, right, thank you."

Johann bowed again and was about to pass Nicolas by... but suddenly stopped in his tracks.

Nicolas tensed slightly, one eye narrowing. Johann, too, turned his head to him, narrowing his eyes to slits and staring at Nicolas.

"Nina-san, I am sorry to trouble you, but could you please take this to Dario for me? There are 2 bottles of orange juice in here, so please give one to Worick-san."

Nicolas could tell something was off - it was not a conclusion of the mind, rather, he felt it with his skin.

There was the abnormal politeness with which Johann spoke to Nina even though she was just a child and it wasn't necessary. How familiarly he referred to Dario in contrast. And how he didn't doubt that Worick was upstairs even though he seemingly had no means of knowing that for sure. Probably all of that combined.

Notwithstanding, Nicolas still didn't find himself particularly interested in the young man. Whereas he could tell that Johann was very interested in him for some reason.

"Eh? Ah, alright."

Nina accepted the bag, balancing it with the vase in her hands with some difficulty. Nicolas was about to help her carry the burden, but before he could make a move, Johann said, "Excuse me, Nicolas-san, would you mind sparing me a little of your time?"

Nicolas cocked his head to the side in puzzlement. Asking why with voiced words was bothersome.

"Please. There is something I would like to ask you. So let us step outside for a bit."

In the sharp gaze of Johann's eyes visible from beneath his long bangs, there was something akin to a killing intent. Except it wasn't really that. If it was a real killing intent, Nicolas would know the same instance.

For a very short while, Nicolas considered the issue of Worick's safety. Technically, he was told to protect him, supposedly. In which case, leaving wasn't advisable.

"I will make it quick. Please, to the street in front of the clinic."

Johann turned and started walking.

Nicolas sighed. And then followed Johann.

As long as he didn't get too far away from the clinic, he wouldn't miss any changes that might occur inside, he judged. After all, Nicolas had extremely good eyes. He would notice it if a window got cracked by a bullet.

Out of curiosity that rared its head, Nicolas wondered what would happen if he just ignored Johann who was advancing with steps grand and confident like never before, but what intrigued him the most was the meaning behind the young man's strange look.

Johann came to a halt once they exited Theo's clinic, but Nicolas didn't. The reason was he remembered that there was a chicken street stall about 20 yards away from the clinic. One kebab sandwich for lunch was not enough.

So now it was Nicolas leading the way with Johann in tow to buy a spicy grilled chicken leg.

'It ain't half-bad,' he recommended it to Johann, too, just in case. Johann seemed to more or less get what he signed, but he shook his head, declining the suggestion.

Nicolas was devouring his chicken with big bites on the way back to Theo's clinic. Peeling off the skin with a slurp, he sucked it into his mouth. The taste was on the blank side, but spices and burnt oil smell were tasty on their own.

Noticing that Johann had finally felt like talking, Nicolas focused on reading his lips.

"---away from the stall and I am grateful for that. It was much too smoky there that I could not even speak."

Nicolas didn't reply to that. The reason why he moved away from the stall was because the next customer in the line frowned in resentment upon noticing the tags on Nicolas' chest, and Nicolas simply didn't want to cause trouble to the stall-keeper by overstaying his welcome, but trying to explain all of that to Johann, who didn't understand sign language, was too much trouble.

About 5 yards away from the clinic, Nicolas stopped, and Johann got to the point.

"I came to this city to find my little sister."

Nicolas propped the back of one leg against the fence and leaned his weight on it. Biting into the chicken leg close to his own fingers that held it, he urged the youth with his chin to go on.

"It is this girl. Do you know her?"

Johann produced a photo of a boy and a girl. The boy was Johann, but Nicolas didn't know the girl. Must be that little sister of his. The girl was about 12-13 and wore a silver necklace shaped like an angel's wing.

Nicolas didn't remember ever seeing it though, so he shook his head.

"That's not true," Johann said in a cutting tone. "I can smell my sister's scent on you."

At that, Nicolas sniffed his own arm. It smelled only of chicken to him.

Johann's eyes were completely serious.

"You must know her. I have never been wrong about smells. That was how I found Dario and Worick-san yesterday."

Even if so, what Nicolas didn't know he didn't know.

"To be honest, this clinic, too, smells of my sister just a little, but the reek of the chemicals is too strong, so I cannot say for sure. Does anything come to mind?"

Nicolas drew a complete blank.

Speaking of girls in Theo's clinic, only Nina came to mind. Besides her, there were only outlaws spreading the alcohol stench.

So Nicolas waved a hand, letting the other know that it didn't ring a bell for him.

"I do not like lies."

But it wasn't a lie. He really didn't know that girl.

Nicolas let out a weary sigh. The chicken leg had mostly become only the bone now. His belly, in contrast, felt sufficiently full. So he launched the remaining bone into the nearest garbage bin. Come to think of it, they had found this young man at a garbage dump site, too, Nicolas idly recalled as he wiped his stained fingertips on the fence. But remembering that served no purpose.

He gazed at Johann sideways. The youth was talking too fast, and it was hard to read it.

'Is that all you wanted from me?'

At Nicolas' gesture, Johann cocked his head to the side quizzically.

Nicolas' words didn't reach him. Not that Nicolas intended to get through to him to begin with.

He had humored the guy for long enough already. Time to go back to the clinic, he decided and moved his leg off the fence it was rested against. When he turned his back to Johann, he felt a voice come from behind him.

"Wait!" the youth had probably screamed. Unfortunately, Nicolas didn't see his mouth to know for sure.

The young man thrust a hand beneath his down coat clearly too big for him. A gun? Or maybe a knife. He was fingering something intended to deal damage to the enemy confronted head-on, in any case. That much could be read in the youth's pupils.

The thirst for blood. Except it was too dull. Yawn-inducing, even.

'When you work up the resolve to take that out, come again and we'll play.'

Communicating this without voicing, Nicolas started walking towards the clinic. As expected, his urge to kill did not get more tangible just from Johann glaring daggers at him.

*

In the end, Worick dealt with his cigarette butt by running after Theo to dispose of it.

Just when he pushed the door leading from the back room back to the examination room open, the door on the other end of the room opened as well, and Nicolas showed his face.

Smiling a light smile, Worick waved a hand at him.

"Welcome back, Nic-chan. Did you get in a fight with Johann-chan?" 'We didn't come to blows.' "I see. That's a cryptic answer though."

Before Worick closed the door, he stuck only his head in the adjourning room to say, "Well then, see you, doc. But I'll be back." "Don't be. Your wounds will heal on their own without my help." "Not for that. I forgot to bring something."

A few hand waves later he closed the door.

"I'll go retrieve it now, so come with me," he then requested of Nicolas.

With Nicolas coming to his side, he studied his face and suddenly stared in wonder.

"You went to grab a bite, didn't you?"

Now that he thought about it, he had left collecting the pay from Granny Joel for fulfilling her request to Nicolas. Due to him drinking the night away with Dario that evening, his memories were vague, but he felt he had yet to see his share of the money.

Nicolas wiped his lips of pepper stuck to them.

'It's only due reward. I was the one to do all the work for that request anyway.' "You just went and arbitrary pocketed the money. And I got stuck with babysitting." 'Didn't you crave to get close to him? Bed-sharing's your forte, wasn't it.' "My manual labor costs more than yours, Nic-chan, and I need to be properly paid for it. Was it yummy? Where did you buy that chicken? I want a bite of it too."

When they exited Theo's clinic, Nicolas took a careful look around the street.

"What, did the stall poof out of existence or what?"

There was no sign of a possible attack. At least Worick didn't feel anything of the sort.

'Johann's gone.' "Oh."

Worick took in their surroundings and noticed something. One of the windows on the second floor was open.

"Up there. Maybe he entered through the window." 'Window?' "You do it too when you're in a hurry."

Seeing Nicolas' puzzled expression made Worick realize that for some reason he had irrationally expected Nicolas to notice a certain fact about Johann somehow.

"Apparently, that boy, too, has tags hanging around his neck, you see. Although they're hidden by his huge down coat." 'Ohh.'

Nicolas flashed a slasher grin. That of a hungry predator.

Worick's lips twisted into a strained smile.

"Owie, Nic, such a scary face. What on earth has happened?" 'I should've made him take out whatever it was he was hiding, by force if necessary.' "So you did get in a fight with him, huh. I was worried, you know?" 'We were only a mere step away from fighting.' "Oh really." 'So frustratingly close.' "Is it too much to ask of you to try and open your eyes to the concept of pacifism, if just a little?" 'Did you know that peace and war hold the same meaning for all the species except humans?'

You guys are humans too, Worick was about to say but held his tongue. For Worick, too, was prepared to unsheathe the proverbial sword against Johann - tonight or tomorrow. In the not so distant future, in any case.

If Johann had turned his blade against them first, it would have made this a little simpler, perhaps. Or if Worick just hadn't bothered with him on that first night to begin with. But that wasn't how it went.

It was strange, Worick thought. Why did Johann let himself be beaten up without resisting on that night? If he fought back, it went without saying that a gang of 3 puny thugs wouldn't have stood half a chance. Did he try to uphold the three laws? No, couldn't be. There had to be something else, some other---

When he arrived at the word 'reason', he couldn't help a laugh.

No, he couldn't let himself be bothered with details. Not this once.

Johann was a Twilight. And also, in all likelihood, the one behind the mafia killings. But the person Worick’s mind was preoccupied with even more than Johann was Dario.

If so, there was no need for reason or logic with him. Not with someone who didn't give a damn about guns pointed at him, who ran over two people with his beloved car even after getting shot in the leg, who cried over a kiddy fairy-tale. With someone who was a big fool of a man that way.

Worick looked up at the sky. A cloud had arrived and the dusk of the evening colored it dull gold. The humidity levels were on the rise, Worick thought, pressing a hand to his forever lost left eye.

← to chapter 2  to chapter 4 →

#gangsta.

[captainatin]

Kindness Incarnate chapter 4: Purpose

Where am I? Why is everything so dark? Mark felt like his was floating through an expansive void. It feels like I’ve been asleep for a really long time. Did I die? He waited for the game over screen to appear but nothing seemed to be coming. This wouldn’t be the first time I wasn’t allowed to die right. He would have scoffed if he had any sensation of having a physical body. It was at that moment he realized that he hadn’t been reduced to a soul, he could feel his eyes shifting around, they were open but he couldn’t see anything. “W-Where a-am I?” He spoke out, the sound echoed back to him and soon he heard a mysterious ticking sound. His entire body felt numb but tingly as he tried to wiggle around.

“P-Please be quiet!” He flinched as he heard the nervous voice of a young woman. His vision suddenly came into view as he stared up at a white tiled ceiling, he couldn’t help but twitch and shudder. “I-I need you to stay still!” Sensation returned to his body and he felt tight clamps around his limbs and his neck, he rolled his head around and started thrashing in order to get free of the iron bonds that pinned him to a table. There was the whirring sound as gears turned and something above him moved behind him.

“Where a-am I?” He growled as he continued to struggle against the shackles. “Why am I h-here? Why am I n-not dead?” His energy felt like it was melting away as he finally laid still and took a deep breath. This is some kind of laboratory, right? I’m being tested on, there has to be something going on here! This whole magic and monsters thing was some kind of dream, yeah, that has to be it! The boy shuddered and took another deep breath in an attempt to slow his rapid thoughts.

“You’re in t-the Hotland laboratories, w-we….” The young woman paused and took a deep breath just like he did. “I….” She corrected herself before clearing her throat. “I ha-have been testing on you for a while, w-we don’t get humans very often. I’m r-really sorry a-about all of this that’s, that’s going on….” Her voice trailed off as a beeping sound rang out through the room and the metal bindings snapped off and retreated back inside the table.

“O-Oh….I-I’m s-still in the underground, aren’t I?” Mark rubbed his forehead and cursed his own lack of clarity, he felt like his brain had a massive weight slowing it down from processing correctly. He slowly leaned up and found himself staring into the averted gaze of a human looking lizard with orange skin, he instantly picked up on her hands that were slightly brushing together. A nervous tick? Probably. His gaze shifted to the floating green heart that was hanging in front of him. It looks strange, it looks….drained. He stared at the hollow looking heart and then at a rack containing several vials of a mysterious forest green liquid that refused to settle itself. “Tha-That’s my soul….” He swallowed the lump in his throat as his gut twisted itself into massive knots. “R-Right?” His gaze shifted over to the timid scientist and tilted his head slightly, the headache was starting to die down but he still felt sluggish.

“I-Indeed it is….” The woman held her gaze away, occasionally glancing back up at him as they shared the awkward silence. “S-So, u-uhm….you might not know what’s going on h-here but….uhm….” She clicked her nails together before she braced herself and looked into his eyes. “I-I know you’re not bad b-but….Asgore wants us to kill all humans and take their souls so we can open the barrier that keeps us trapped here.” Her breathing subtly off from the normal pace but it was enough to concern the boy.

“Y-Yeah, I think D-Devin told me about that.” Mark struggled to recall all that had happened to him, it felt fuzzy and blurry.

“Y-You m-met the beige s-soul?” The woman seemed shocked, her eyes dilated and her interest sharpened dramatically. She trotted closer to the table and leaned in slightly, it was only then that Mark realized she was dressed in a simple lab-coat and that she didn’t appear to be very experienced in her line of work. “I-If we had captured you then maybe….” She paused and tapped one of her nails against her lip. “Y-Yeah, we c-could’ve been free if we had both of your s-souls….” Her voice trailed off again as she clicked her tongue a few times, thinking through the intricate details of the scenario. “T-There have been rumors of another human in the underground….a floating green heart.” She shifted her gaze back to the chef, her eyes pleaded with him to respond.

“S-Sorry, I’m not the soul you’re looking for….a-and I’m sorry about your people being stuck down here. It just isn’t right, ya know?” The human boy smiled weakly as he swung his legs off the table. “I-I kinda, uhm….I through the other guy t-to safety. I-I was sure you….” He paused to find the right word. “People, aren’t that bad. I-I just t-thought it might be, uhm….I wanted to free him.” He looked to his feet and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Y-Yeah….A-Asgore just doesn’t, uhm, Asgore just doesn’t like humans and….you know about the war he plans to wage, right?” The scientist hopped onto the bolted table and sat next to the human boy. The dim lighting covered up most of the features that defined the human’s appearances, he shifted away slightly as she approached.

“R-Right….s-so you’re testing on me because you had to, otherwise you’d be c-charged with...what’s the word?” The boy paused and snapped his fingers a few times to try and stimulate his thoughts. “Treason, yeah that’s the word.” He nodded a few times as he looked back at the woman. “I-I’m Mark!” He extended a hand and forced another smile. I have to be friendly, being friendly will make all of this easier. She isn’t a mean person, the other woman wasn’t either. The fish lady was scary. His left hand twitched slightly as his right hung in the air for a brief moment before the lizard lady clasped her hand with his.

“I’m A-Alphys, i-it’s really nice to meet you!” The shy scientist shook his hand, her own hand twitched inside of his grip making her nervousness even more apparent.

“Nice to meet you too!” Mark chuckled nervously as he let his grip fall through; his arm fell slack to his side.

“I-I just thought that it’d be good to start checking out how your s-soul works.” Alphys nodded to the canisters of mysterious liquid before looking back at him. “I-In comparison to monsters.” She added. “T-That is from your soul, that’s probably why you f-feel really tired right now.” The lizard woman bit her lip as she looked back at the containers and sighed. “S-So I’m r-really sorry but, I-I have to test on you….i-it’s the king’s orders. T-There is a lot of research that, that was n-never completed….s-so that’s why I’m here.” They shared another awkward silence as they both stared at the sloshing green liquid.

“S-Soooo….” The boy’s voice trailed off as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “So what do you expect to find in the soul?” He ripped his gaze away from the jar and back to the girl sitting next to him. “I-I mean, what can you really get from looking at it? What is it going to be used for?” The knots in his gut started to come undone as he relaxed slightly.

“W-Well, when we can understand h-how to control y-your soul power then we could….figure out h-how to use determination to sustain ourselves after death. M-Monster souls d-don’t have determination like you humans do.” Alphys hopped off the table and pulled down one of the canisters and almost knocked over a syringe that was lying next to it.

“Determination? N-None of you have that as a p-personality trait? T-That seems really weird don’t y-you think?” Mark slid off the table and popped his neck. Ow! O-O-Ow! Shouldn’t have done that! He grunted as he walked over to Alphys and stood next to her, he leaned around slightly so that he could look at the same jar that the girl was holding.

“W-Well, it’s more like a cosmic force you see. An energy that every human has deep inside of them, I’m sure you had a similar awakening of that power when Undyne pushed you off the cliff in the waterfall region. It’s a supernatural force that can make you endure through circumstances that would normally break someone’s will or make them unable to move.” She seemed more sure of herself as she gave her explanation, her shoulders relaxed and her nails stopped brushing together. “I believe that one human soul has determination equal to the entire monster race combined.” She shrugged a few times to push her lab-coat back up into a comfortable position.

“O-Okay, s-so…..” Gah! Why can I still not think right? The human boy mentally cursed himself as he bit his lip. “So that’s my d-determination drawn out of my s-soul?” He rubbed his forehead with his right hand and let out a heavy sigh. “S-So this stuff could r-really save someone’s life?” He tapped the lid and shuddered as he felt a strange pull on his chest. It’s my soul energy, of course it wants to come back to him. He reasoned as he took a step back and moved his hand down to rub his aching chest.

“Yeah, it has the potential to give someone more than triple their original lifespan! It could lead to so many more advancements in our society! I just don’t really know how to get the determination into the monsters without losing the energy, you can’t just slap it on them or make them drink it. The soul energy needs to stay contained until it’s inside the monster otherwise it will disperse too quickly.” Alphys quickly grabbed a clipboard and started scribbling down what she had said in cursive. “Maybe….I dunno injection might be too direct….” She placed the clipboard and pen down before clicking her nails together again. “I-I’m sorry that you don’t have a say in the matter…” She glanced back at him and frowned.

“It’s fine.” Mark nodded. “I’m just glad that I’m allowed to help people, I guess this is better than being dead, isn’t it?” He smiled in an attempt to sooth the girl’s nerves. Should I hold her hand or something? That normally calms people down. The boy slowly let his hand drift over and gently squeeze the girl’s hand. “Don’t worry about it!”

“R-R-Right! Y-Yeah….t-t-thanks!” The scientist squirmed slightly so the boy let go. “B-But, u-uhm….s-so we need to find our test subject first….that might be a while but, uhm, your time doesn’t have to be hell while you’re down here!” She fidgeted as she walked over to a small fridge and removed two plastic containers. “W-Want some leftover ramen? You’re p-probably very hungry from the extraction.” She glanced up to something on the ceiling before glancing back down to the boy’s face.

“S-Sure!” Mark smiled as he grabbed one of the containers and popped off the lid. She’s more comfortable, I can tell, but I guess grabbing her hand might not have been a good idea. He pondered as he tilted the container back and drank the broth; his face contorted in disgust but he forced himself to smile again. It’s better than nothing I guess….way too salty! “T-Thank you!” He chuckled awkwardly as he tried not to cough. “S-So what k-kind of things do you like to eat? I-I’m a chef you know!” He took a more firm stance in hopes of releasing the tension that continued to build as they both thought of how their fates intertwined in such an unsavory manner. It’s a shame I couldn’t meet her in a different way. The boy mentally sighed before taking another sip of the ramen broth. Honestly, I think this is better when it’s cold.

“O-Oh, are you? T-That’s pretty cool, Undyne likes to cook but she really isn’t good at it….” A silence fell between them as they both slurped up the broth from their respective plastic bowls. “L-Like there was one time where she m-made cupcakes but they had cardboard in them because she mixed in the box too!” Alphys awkwardly chuckled and moved a hand to cover her mouth in an attempt to stifle the sound.

“W-Why would you throw in the box?” The human boy chuckled nervously at the thought of having to eat such a mess. “S-She….really doesn’t have much patience does she?” He relaxed his shoulders and took another deep breath. There was a loud knocking sound on a distant door; both the human and the monster whipped their heads around to look off towards the far off noise. Someone else is here? Of course there is, a scientist needs to have some assistants right? Or maybe she is the assistant, that would explain her sheepish nature. “S-So, what’s that?” He swallowed the lump in his throat as he walked through the mechanical doorway.

“W-Wait, hold on!” Alphys called out to him. He whipped back around and looked up at a giant skull looking machine with tubes running in and out of it, the terrifying device was colored red and it had two large openings that looked like they could clamp shut at a moment’s notice.

“W-W-W-What the hell i-is that?” Mark’s eyes shrank to the size of a dust speck as he stared up at the ominous machinery. His gut twisted into knots and he felt like he was going to vomit at any moment. There was something about the gargantuan skull that inspired a primordial sense of fear inside of him.

“Th-That’s the….” The lizard woman paused as she walked over to him and waved to bring his gaze down to her; the boy had no response to the movement. “That’s the determination extractor, that’s what I used on you to remove your soul energy….I-It w-would have hurt like all hell i-if you weren’t totally numb.” She poked his cheek with one of her sharp nails causing the human boy to snap out of his daze and look down at her.

“T-That thing is horrifying! T-That thing looks like it could rip my soul to shreds in an instant!” The chef stumbled backwards and the door shut in front of him and the scientist; suddenly blocking out the view of the skull-shaped invention. “How many people have you used that on?” He shot to his feet and swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.

“I-I’ve only u-used it on you b-but I knew it would work and th-that it wouldn’t kill you if you were numb. D-Dr. Gaster, the previous royal scientist, h-he….oh dear, what did he do?” Alphys groaned as she rubbed her forehead with her right hand as her left hand started twitching rapidly. “He wa-was the first to….he was the f-first to take determination out of a human s-soul. H-He experimented on t-the b-beige soul.” She bit one of her nails as she averted her gaze to the tiled floors that were equally as plain as the tiled ceiling.

“H-He had a name! H-His name was Devin!” Mark gritted his teeth as he took a firm stance. “He had friends, he had hopes and dreams that he never got to realize!” He firmly grasped the lizard’s shoulders. “This is wrong, Alphys this is torture!”

“It’s for a noble cause!” She barked back as she looked up at him before quickly turning away in shame. “I-It’s what w-we monsters have to do!” The monster girl rubbed her hands together and swallowed hard. “A-And what does seeing the machine have to do with your willingness to do this?” Her shoulder brushed his arm as she passed him and continued on towards what the human could only assume to be the entrance and the source of the strange sound from the few moments previous.

“How do you know it will ever work?” The boy grunted dryly as he stomped his way behind her.

“B-Because it just has to, okay?” The lizard lady waved him off with a sorrowful tone.

“Miss Alphys, I have brought a rather fitting test subject!” A box shaped robot on a singular wheel rolled its way towards them carrying what looked to be a bandanna, there were abs poorly drawn on it. “It has the dust of a long dead monster. I think it would be good to at least try it out, wouldn’t you think? We can then move to recently deceased monsters from there, and then we can test on those who are on the verge of death!” The robotic voice lacked emotion as it placed the bandanna in the yellowish claws of the young scientist. “And I see that our guest is awake and ready to….donate!” The colored tiles on the robot’s front arranged into an exclamation point as it played a ding of success.

“Alright….We’ll begin.” Alphys cracked her knuckles and set the bandanna down on a nearby table before walking past Mark to retrieve the jar of soul energy that she had extracted from him. “Mettaton, make our guest at home.”

“Sure, sure, whatever!” The robot shooed the lizard lady off as the door slid shut automatically. “Alright, so would you like some tea? Or would you rather bask in my presence?” The wheel spun and turned the machine around to face him; the question mark on the robot’s screen felt mocking to him.

“I know what’s g-going on here, y-you don’t need to lie to my face or try to comfort me.” Mark swallowed the lump in his throat and gritted his teeth.

“It’s not working!” The robot and the human whipped their heads around back towards the door as Alphys came storming back in. “It didn’t work! The soul energy was injected successfully but nothing happened! I know there’s something more than this….” The dinosaur opened a drawer in a table and flipped through several different notebooks that had strange symbols labeling them. “It’s been done before!” She slammed her fist onto the table and sighed. “O-O-Or at least I-I think it has….” Her voice trailed off as she started reading through the notes at a rapid pace.

“Dr. Alphys!” A burly voice shouted from behind them, the man seemed eager and panicked as he came into view. “Labora, at your service!” The strange dog-man took a bow before he waved for several other knights to enter the room. “One of our finest men is wounded, he really needs your help.” A frog was brought in on a stretcher and moved into the room where the human had his determination extracted.

“O-Oh god! I-I’m on it!” The lizard bit her nails as she followed behind them. “I-I-I, syringe!” She snagged one of the needles from a shelf and filled it with soul energy from the glowing green jar. “H-Hold him still!” She commanded as she pushed them apart and leaned over the convulsing frog. Two of the knights nodded to each other through their helmets and pinned the amphibian down on both sides.

“C-Can you help him?” Mark rushed inside and practically threw himself over to the operating table.

“I-I-I’m trying!” Alphys jabbed the needle into where the creature’s heart would be and slowly pressed on the back as the green liquid drained from the tube and entered the patient’s body. “T-There!” All the knights leaned away and the frog stopped moving. There was a long silence, metal faces held no emotion as they simply nodded to each other and saluted in unison. “P-Please leave….A-All of you….” Tears streamed down the lizard’s face as she sniffled and coughed.

“Yes doctor.” Labora gave another respectful bow as he and the rest of his crew exited the lab.

“You too, Mark.” The girl’s hands slid under her glasses and covered her face. “You don’t have to see this.” She sniffled as her voice started to crack. “I don’t know why I’m so useless!” The reptile stared at her palms as she continued to sob.

*But it refused

“No, it can’t all have been for nothing!” Mark placed a hand on the frog’s head as a green aura covered his body before flickering and crackling like sparks of electricity. “There, that should make you better.” He smiled softly as the aura surged into the monster and ignited the determination that had been injected into it.

“Ri….Ribbit?” The amphibian warrior opened his eyes for a moment before shutting them again.

“W-What?” The scientist poked her head out from behind her hands before wiping away her tears and opening her eyes widely in amazement. “H-He’s alive! W-What did you do?” She whipped her head around to Mark and smiled brightly.

“I just felt his essence shift….” The boy’s voice grew airy and distant, almost like he would float away at a moment’s notice. “You’re awfully happy, that’s great!” He smiled warmly as he patted her head. Yeah, it does comfort her but it….it also makes her feel awkward. Maybe I should reserve that for certain moments….Yes. He nodded to reaffirm his thoughts as he looked back to the monster on the table. “He feels….peaceful.” The boy continued to stare for a moment. “You’re confused, I can sense that.” He frowned slightly as he looked back at the scientist.

“Y-Yeah….b-but this is amazing! I-If we could figure out how to control this then w-we could save so many people!” As soon as Alphys finished speaking the monster on the table let out a deafening wail. “W-What the hell?” She fell back only to be caught by Mark. He appeared to be totally unaffected by the noise.

“Are you okay?” He tilted his head and blood slowly seeped out from his ears and dripped onto the white tiled flooring. “I can feel that you’re scared.” He lifted her back up to her feet and continued to stare at her. She’s scared of me, no….scared for me, she’s worried about me. Why? There’s no need for that. The boy frowned slightly. “Now, about the frog.” The green aura dissipated as he turned around and looked at the monster that had began to melt as it continued to wail in utter agony. “W-What the hell?” Suddenly the human boy felt the pain all at once as his hands shot up to cover his ears. He began to sweat profusely and his breathing became shallow, his heart and brain pounded inside of him and his gut twisted into knots.

“I-I don’t know! A-Are y-you okay?” Alphys grabbed his hand and slowly walked out of the room before the doors slammed shut behind them and damped the sound of the screams coming from the other room.

“N-No, m-my ears hurt like all hell!” Mark was on the verge of tears as his entire body tensed up in pain.

“It might need more determination.” Mettaton suggested as they wheeled over to them and opened the door. After a few moments the robot came back and the sound had been whisked away into a deeper part of the lab.

“Y-Yeah….May-Maybe I just d-didn’t have enough!” Alphys swallowed the lump in her throat as she trotted into the next room with the human following closely behind her. “Right, so….uhm….are you s-sure a-about this?” She smiled weakly as she watched him climb onto the table and take a deep breath.

“I’m ready.” Mark nodded as he responded dryly.

“A-Are you s-sure you’re certain?” The lizard lady took a deep breath as the skull-shaped machine slowly descended onto the boy and hid him from sight.

“Yes, numbing me will waste time.”

“O-Okay….” With a flip of the switch there was a sudden blaring of sirens before green energy practically exploded out of the boy’s body. “W-What’s going on? T-This has never happened before!” The scientist tried to shut off the machine before it sapped away too much of the boy’s energy. “Y-You’re g-going to die, no!” The large tanks attached to the back of the machine overflowed with soul energy.

*But it refused

What’s going on? Mark opened his eyes and looked down on his lifeless body. I-I feel like I’m fading, l-like my energy is dispersing….why can I see my own body? The boy shuddered violently before suddenly blacking out.

“H-Hello? P-Please I need some help!” The human twitched as he heard a voice call out into the vast darkness that he had awoke to. “I need to help my friends!” A small child came into view wearing a blue shirt with purple stripes.

“T-That’s awful kind of you, little one.”

#kindness incarnate #human souls #green soul #undertale #alphys #but it refused #amalgamate

[marethyu-primo]

It bothers me:  Rants of a Tumblr User (Part 1 of Many)

The world is as it should be, still and void, yet when I think about that stillness, it bothers me.

I come and I go. I breathe and listen. I go forward and try not to move back. Yet I somehow always manage to do the same mistakes I did in the past. It bothers me. The world and the people on it cry out for change and do nothing. They cry out for better leaders, and they receive corrupt people drunk on their own power. The world isn’t as simple as it was in the past. We have advanced further than previous generations have ever dreamed of. What once could have taken years takes only seconds (this is communication). What once could have taken hours, takes only minutes (research). And what could have taken years, takes only one push of a button (cyberbullying)

We strive to be different, yet regress back into our old ways. We say that we are doing change, but then we go home and do the same things that make our lives miserable. Am I saying that I don't do these things? No, not at all, I do those things as much as others. What bothers me is that people claim to be able to change the world when they can't change themselves.

Take our political situation for example. (Before I continue I would like to say that I am not trying to change your minds about our political situation, I am only stating what I believe, you are free to judge as you will) Our leader-to-be constantly berates our country for being weak and structureless. He blasts anyone who gets in his way or even raises a voice against him in any way. Yet he himself doesn't have any political experience and is only trying to line his pockets even further. Now he may be able to do things that help our country, and he may push us further to the brink. Only time will tell, what matters here is that we are electing someone to lead our country who has no experience in the political sector. Strange to think that we, who claim to be the number 1 nation, can't even see what is wrong with our own leaders and representatives.

The world is an ever-changing place, and we must change with it, I understand that that is how nature is. But why should be living in our own hypocrisy? Shouldn't we face our problems like real adults instead of blaming others for our failures? The issue I am trying to get at is that if we wish to be better, we must first face the facts, and the facts are that we are lying to ourselves, we are lying about how we claim to be the best country in the world when other countries are doing much better.

There are countries who have extremely low criminal rates, why? It's because they take care of their criminals as real people and do whatever they can to recuperate them in good and peaceful living conditions and get them back into society as normal hard working adults. And what do we do here? Slam people behind bars like animals and let them fend for themselves in the horror houses that are American prisons. We say we are the land of the free but are we? Day in and day out I hear stories on the news of more and more discriminatory acts and acts of violence and hatred. We say we want to lower violence and crime rates yet our own government can't find the middle ground between the two political parties. Eventually, they give up and move on until more violence springs up. The cycle continues for years and years and will continue to keep going until we eventually dive into anarchy.

How long...How long must we live behind all these lies? The world is advancing and we continue to hide behind our own facades and shadows. Cast away your doubts and masks, face reality. Advance with the world, do not stagnate in your own mistakes and problems. Seek the help you are screaming for. The world would be better if we first accepted our problems and lies, and put in the effort to better ourselves.

For the future, for the people, for everyone, for us.

#our betterment #usa #face our fears #face the lies #eye opening #away with masks

[isabellestillman]

Strong (In)Dependent Woman

From an evolutionary perspective, humans are not meant to be alone. Darwin and our seventh-grade science teachers would have us recall that the foremost objective of any living thing is to procreate. Our species requires the meeting of two distinct individuals to do so: we need a second human to survive.

From the perspective of my elite, liberal, feminist upbringing, a young woman ought to survive on her own. In my world, engagements before age 25 are met with shock if not opprobrium, breaking up with him is encouraged in favor of “doing you,” career-based choices are lauded over those that prioritize relationships. ‘Survival,’ in my case, often seems synonymous with ‘self-reliance.’

Run fast, be smart, get dirty, eat what you want—and don’t ever think you need a man to make you whole: it’s a crucial set of tips, an education in womanhood of which too many girls and women are deprived. It’s one that I’ve taken seriously throughout my adolescence. But having internalized its expectations of autonomy, I’ve begun to scold myself for longing, for loneliness, for the slightest whiff of dependence.

It is this capacity to scold that I now question.

Will was my blind date to a wine-and-cheese dorm party my junior year of college: an unfamiliar face with mountain-man hair, his gangly frame swimming in a sport coat, paired perfectly with beat-up trail running shoes. It was a first sight thing. That night we didn’t leave our corner of the room once. We traded thoughts on the Green Mountains and Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, privilege and justice, the scenes at the tables where we’d grown up eating dinner.

The next week, we went for burgers and beers in town. Four days later, I wrote in my journal, “Something I know for sure: I am falling in love.” From then on, we saw each other every day. We’d drive down dirt roads to catch sunsets and eat pancakes in bed and try to figure out how to be good in the world.

We were so different; that was what drew me in. I craved something other, something to shatter the carefully sculpted perspectives I’d held for the first two decades of my life. Will challenged me, his mind full of questions I’d never wondered and convictions I’d never entertained. I was spellbound by his way of seeing the world, hungry for the way he made me eat away at my own beliefs. For a while, I thought that was what it meant to find a partner.  

But over time, our differences began to wear, revealing themselves not just as day-to-day misunderstandings but as existential crises. Little things at first: Will was a minimalist, the owner of roughly five shirts, a couple pairs of shorts, and a laptop from 2007. I like clothes (whatever!), enjoy dinner out, spent $30 on Amazon for a poster to hang in my dorm. The first winter of our relationship, I bought a new sweater. I wore it to his house and waited in his bathroom, talking to him through the curtain as he finished showering with his simple bar of soap. I caught my reflection in the mirror—the sweater suddenly egregiously bright—and felt immediately sick to my stomach: You don’t need this sweater, or any of the countless things you have. You’re wasteful and spoiled. Your priorities are all off. What is wrong with you?

Maybe you know the feeling–when minor lifestyle choices bear the weight of character traits, criteria for judgment. Will managed to keep his world view consistent down to the last detail—living only on bread and peanut butter, listening only to music with ‘real’ messages, keeping as much distance from his phone as possible. And, in contrast, I was shallow, asinine, silly, out of touch with the systems and structures of the world.

It was more than just wardrobe choices. It was Big Ideas About How To Live: my drive to change the world and his fear of unbridled ambition; my need for light-hearted frivolity, his reading of my laid-backness as a failure to scrutinize my surroundings; my trusting of certain ideas, his only constant being skepticism.

As these chasms grew, my strength depleted. And the same person who made me question my worth was the one I turned to for affirmation. If Will couldn’t spend the afternoon with me, I wondered what it meant and begged him to assure me it was nothing. When I felt unseen or inferior, I would escape to his dorm room to feel his hands in my hair, the band-aid of physical touch. I could never hear the words “I love you” enough. I needed him to say I was smart, insightful, vibrant: that he loved me even with my flaws. I needed him to tell me I was good.

It ended almost as suddenly as it started. A phone call three months after graduation. And soon, I began to wonder if my ‘flaws’ had really been flaws at all.

That summer, I moved to Boston to get my Masters in Education, knowing that what I needed to work on was being good enough for myself.

And it worked.

I became the strong independent woman my upbringing had enshrined. I got a 4.0 GPA at Harvard, took on double the required teaching load, created a new social circle, read and wrote more than I had in years. I got drinks and kissed by the Charles and met people’s friends and sometimes stayed the night. I dated around.

In the midst of all this, my best friend broke up with her long-term boyfriend. It was a long time coming, but nonetheless sad, difficult and dark. It was also, as our group of girlfriends agreed, a great time for Zoey to “work on herself.” “Time to do you,” we said. “Time to become the strong independent woman you envisioned when you made this decision.” Plant a garden, we suggested. Make a scrapbook, join a soccer league, play poker, paint. Make yourself happy. Be independent.

It was funny, hearing myself counsel Zooey. So convinced that I knew what she needed—to do things that ‘made her independent’—advising her with ostensible confidence, but never quite sure how, exactly, I’d arrived at my own self-discovery. I’d certainly tried to learn to cook, to train for a half marathon, to finish the Sunday crossword, to skateboard. But deep down, I knew it wasn’t these things that had gotten me where I was.

I was afraid, when Daniel came along that February, that I hadn’t yet solidified my independence, that I was still vulnerable to other people’s ideas of what would make me ‘good.’ But as we spent more time together, that fear sort of dropped away. Eventually it stopped occurring to me at all, because with Daniel I never felt like there were expectations. I felt like my own self, at my very best. The most perceptive observer, eagerest listener, funniest banterer, caringest ally, cleverest referencer, insightfulest reflector, outgoingest adventurer, sweetest lover: peak Isabeller. Not because I was trying. Because Daniel somehow brought it out.

In the spring of 2017, I got a job teaching at a school I believed in, in Denver, which I knew would suit me better than Boston. I didn’t want to leave Daniel, but in my strong independent heart I knew better than to base a career choice on some guy I’d been dating a few months. Even if I did suspect, as I still do, that he might be the guy. As my friends, family, and culture had taught me, I sided with my strong independent woman self.

It was a tearful (sobful, really) sunrise parting, imbued with the understanding that staying together would be essentially impossible. He was a third-year medical student, I a first-year teacher, the number of three-day weekends sub-three, the distance a seven-hour, two-thousand-mile journey.

I pushed. I said, “Let’s leave the option open,” and, “It might be worth a try.” He smiled noncommittally, saying it didn’t make sense, that it would be more pain-inducing than joyful. The rational side of me saw his reasoning as legitimate. The strong independent side of me saw single life as ‘the right thing’ for me. But the feeling side of me still believed that it was possible. That when something makes you feel like the best you, holding on makes the most sense.

Now, lying on the floor of my new, empty apartment, my mind rings, “I need you.” And in some ways, I do. I need people in my life who inspire me. I need to laugh often, which we did. I need places where I know my best self comes standard. Just like I need these things from my friends. Why is it that different to need from a partner? Why is it that different to need from a man, a lover?

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If you have a minute, Google “strong independent woman”: the how-to’s are endless, not to mention simple, degrading, sexist, and frankly absurd. (My personal favorite: lovepanky.com’s “How to be a Strong Independent Woman that Men Love.”)

Our society puts so much value on independence: make your own choices, discover your own happiness. Look in the mirror and say, “I look fly in this sweater, and I’m keeping it!” It sounds empowering. But it’s just another “women should ____.” A sexist expectation. A pigeonhole that’s exhausting at best, inhuman at worst. Being human means at least sometimes reveling in relying on others, in the beauty of finding your best self with other people—in a dependence that secures your survival, rather than threatens it.

I’m working on a theory of two kinds of dependence: in type one dependence, we rely on others to make ourselves believe we are good and worthy. In type two dependence, we rely on others because with them, we simply are that way. The fine line between the two gets lost easily in the fog of romantic feelings.  

It’s only a hypothesis, with a mere 23 years of evidence behind it, but it passes the common sense test. A woman’s choice of whether and how to depend should be just that: hers.