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#so... this month has definitely hit me hard emotionally
letters-to-lgbt-kids · 9 months
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so happy for you about the qpr!! that’s just wonderful news! wishing u all the best <3
Thankyou! I truly appreciate your sweet words. 
I want to use this as an opportunity to talk about how this non-traditional relationship came to be - mostly because I love talking about him, but also because I feel queerplatonic relationships need to be talked about more! 
So, what is a queerplatonic relationship? It isn’t really one specific type of relationship with a strictly defined set of rules or boundaries. It is an umbrella term for “non-romantic significant-other relationships”… so, emotionally intimate relationships that fall neither into the category of a “typical romantic relationship” nor into the category of a “typical platonic friendship”. This is not so much about behavior but about the feelings of the people involved. The way one queerplatonic relationship looks like  (activities, language, touch, future planning etc.) can be completely different from the next, it’s all about what works for you! 
The term “queerplatonic relationship” (or qpr) originated in the aromantic community, but you don’t need to be aromantic to be in one. 
I am not aromantic, Alex (name changed for privacy) is. When we met, I didn’t know that yet. We met online. Not on a dating app, we just found each other over shared interests, so romance wasn’t on my mind. We became online friends and found out we actually live close to each other. As time went on, I felt like there was a lot of chemistry and some mutual attempts of awkward flirting, so I decided to ask him on a date. And he said yes! 
We grew closer, my feelings for him grew and quite honestly, in the deep corners of my heart it was already a fact that we would become a couple. We didn’t call each other boyfriend yet but it was only a matter of making it official. Really just a matter of asking… and so it hit me like a brick when I scrolled through social media and saw him coming out as aromantic. 
I’ll admit that I didn’t handle it well. I felt blindsided by him not telling me directly and carried this feeling into our conversation about it which led to it not going well. I should’ve given him time to explain and given us space to figure out together what this means for us. If I did, I would’ve learned that it was a new realization for him as well and that he himself was not sure yet what it meant - but I didn’t. I jumped to assumptions and felt bitter about them. 
After fruitless discussions turned into a fight, we made the hard decision to stop talking. We were both heartbroken about it but it just seemed like a situation with no solution. He didn’t want a traditional romantic relationship, I didn’t want a traditional friendship. We did briefly talk about a queerplatonic relationship but we both couldn’t imagine how that’d work. Would that essentially just be a traditional relationship/friendship by a different name? 
For two weeks, I cried into my ice cream. Kept checking his social media secretly even though we mutually agreed to unfollow each other before the split. Went back on dating apps and went out on a virtual date with the first poor guy who said yes and hated every second of it. Texted Alex about it in some shitty attempt to make him jealous. Cried some more. Until I found a list in my notes that I had made months earlier, with all the things I like about him. 
This list made me think I can’t lose him like this - I’d rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life at all. I sent him the list and was relieved to learn that he missed me just as much. After some (much more mature) discussion, we agreed to just be platonic friends. 
One of the first “normal ” conversations we had after our split - normal meaning a topic that wasn’t related to attraction or identity or relationship status - was just us talking about a tv show he used to watch as a kid. This has become a fond memory of a realization that is hard to put in words: I’ve always been someone who wants clear definitions and labels. But there’s beauty in things being undefined as well. In that moment, we weren’t a specific label. We were just us. And us, our unique dynamic, is what I fell in love with - regardless of how we name it. 
So, we named it friends and that worked great. But one thing kept bothering me: With a friend, even a best friend, it’d be silently assumed that you may pursue other people romantically. You can have a best friend and a boyfriend, you’re not taken by your best friend. This wasn’t a matter of jealousy - Alex wasn’t interested in pursuing other people romantically anyway and I don’t mind that he has other close friends. This was about me, not him. I didn’t want this to be a situation where I’m assumed to potentially pursue others. I want to be taken because that’s how I feel. I’m not open to dating someone else, Alex is my significant other even when it’s not a traditional romantic relationship. 
I reached out to other aromantic people online and talked to them about these feelings. They encouraged me to talk to him about this and suggest an individually defined relationship to him - one that isn’t based in romance but has the level of commitment I feel. Communication is key, they said, you two can set your own rules. 
And that’s exactly what we did! I wrote him a letter and put these feelings to paper, and asked him if he wants to have an individually defined relationship with me, be my friend I’m in love with and am committed to, and he said yes! 
(We don’t usually use the term queerplatonic in our everyday conversations, I just use it as a practical umbrella term here - we like to keep it a undefined unique relationship status) 
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sinfulequity · 7 months
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There’s one thing I’d like to note about Amane’s thumbnail, outside of the confetti (+ the thread wrapped around the pole, as @gunsli-01 pointed out) being colours associated with the cult. And it’s something that everyone else has noticed; the lack of any other colour.
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Gunsli, a friend of ours and I was talking about it and I remembered that colour deprivation was a form of torture. Or, to use another name for it,
White torture!
“Electroshock, waterboarding, and a thrashing- These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl- But the cult accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction White Torture!” - Gunsli (This is a joke.)
For those unfamiliar, white torture is comprised of denying the victim any sensations, slowly eroding at their mental state and their sense of self until they break. Though, to use better descriptions (which, again, thanks to Gunsli for finding and formatting some of these for me)-
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The prisoner is locked in a completely white, soundproof room. The color white is used to hit all the senses:   The sight: White lights are coming from neon tubes positioned in a way not to create any shadow, and the prisoner is dressed in completely white clothes.   Hearing: The room is soundproof or alternatively it is located in a remote place where voices cannot be heard. In this latter scenario the guards stand in silence and use special padded shoes in order to avoid causing any noise.   Tact: All surfaces are smooth   The taste and smell: Each day they are served white food, usually unseasoned rice to deprive them of the senses of taste and smell. Although it may seem less formidable than other corporal punishment, this torture leads quickly to hallucinations and has long-term adverse effects. The prisoners can be kept in this state for months or even years, and once outside the room the psychological consequences will be permanent.
All in all, it can be emotionally devastating at best, and definitely not something people would expect a 12-year-old to be put through. This form of torture would propagate the kind of mentality that the cult would want in Amane. It would not only shake her faith in her own perceptions of reality but create a vulnerability in her. They can then exploit this to strengthen her faith and commitment to their cause. Or to use marketing ideas, creating a need for the product they’re selling; albeit, more proactively.
“Oh, yeah the reason that the pipe/baton may have the thread around it is because white torture involves the removal of textile sensations as well as color. Guards even wear padded shoes so the prisoners can’t even hear their footsteps. The fact that the thread is not only colored but a textile sensation may allude to Amane adding it for comfort or so the baton had some physical sensation.” - Gunsli
I wanted to touch on this comment here, in conjunction with the thread colour.
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With the idea of white torture in mind, I believe that there’s a chance the member that represented Green(Gachata) was the one who directly inflicted this on her. However, I’d like to explore all the possible interpretations. Before that though- There’s another thing to note, the member represented by Yellow(Yuri) has the most “conventional” form of punishment out of everyone here. That, including the fact that Yuri is the one that looks the most upset about having to punish Amane,
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could indicate that he did try to provide support while the punishments went on. Hence her usage of yellow as the only tactile thing in her thumbnail. To be more specific, the only tactile thing that she had some sort of agency interacting with. Though you could also argue that, since his punishment was physical beatings, that it was the only one with heavy/hard physical contact. Especially when taking into account the other punishments were electroshock, waterboarding and white torture. All things that can involve minimal or no contact with the victim.
Something else to note, is while Yuri and Gachata have secondary colours (Yuri having a splodge of green and Gachata having red highlights), Red (Riyone) and Blue(Gozake) do not. That, included with Amane having all of their colours on her, would indicate the influence that each member has on the other. In other words, Amane was influenced by everyone. Yuri was influenced by Gachata. Gachata was influenced by Riyone, and Riyone and Gozake weren’t influenced by anyone. Incidentally, Amane’s “wings” are also the softer pink on Riyone’s outfit, despite the fact that she already has the more vivid red.
On the colour sharing thought, Gunsli pointed out that it might be how each member is connected to each other (i.e. Gachata being Riyone’s kid and having pulled Yuri into their association). Going off of the colors alone she speculated that Riyone was possibly Amane's mom and Gatchata her older brother. Yuri is more than likely a friend of Gatchata's or someone they met and brought into the cult and Gozake a higher up within the cult that works alongside Riyone. (Possibly even a second husband but she said that's just an assumption.)
However, she does disagree with me in regards to who enforced white torture. Gunsli feels as though it would make more sense for Riyone to be the one to do so, since she’s already associated with light. This, in conjunction with the pink on Amane and how it’s hidden under the white of her outfit until the “transformation” scene, makes a more cohesive narrative. There’s also the fact that there’s no pink confetti depicted within the thumbnail. Secondarily, while Riyone’s colour is red, with pink highlights, she is mostly depicted in white. With pink, red and grey highlights, in order of how frequently they show up in her design.
Another possibility is that Amane was consistently being punished through the use of white torture, and each member’s punishment was an intentional breakage of that. This would make Gachata’s punishment more likely to be something like sound torture. If it was done this way, it would subconsciously reinforce the idea that the only people who contribute to her sense of self are the other members of the cult, while also amplifying the impact of their actions being a punishment for her transgressions.
The cycle of punishments starts with Riyone. She either uses light torture or electroshock. The main colours depicting her form of punishment is a luminous yellow with a backdrop of a duller yellow. We’ll get back to this, but this seems to represent her specific type of punishment. Her expression changes from when they found Amane, being at peace/harmony as opposed to the dead eyed stare that was given before. This is a tad unnerving, since out of the four, this is the expression closest to happiness we see in this loop.
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Secondly, we have Gozake. He appears to have picked waterboarding as his style of punishment, though we are unsure which form. The main colours that appear here are various shades of blue, save the bubbles that have highlights of white. This makes it possible that he was acting on his own ideologies. His expression on this scene is also different from the discovery scene, which appears to be more upset/disheartened. Though I do have to state the caveat that his expression is a lot harder to read since we don’t see his mouth in either expression. It would be interesting to find out how much context would be changed if we see his mouth.
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Thirdly, we have Yuri. He goes for a simple pummeling for his punishment. The colours used for the physical effects here are some small yellow ones and a large overall pink one. This likely indicates that Riyone suggested this punishment to Yuri, and that Yuri is following Riyone’s ideology with regards to this punishment. This doesn’t stop him from looking upset and uncomfortable, however. This is an expression that stays consistent from the discovery to the actual consequences; the only one to do so out of the whole group.
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Lastly is Gachata, who seems to have used sound torture. The colours used for the sound effects are red and green, in the order of how frequently they are used. Though I believe it should be noted that the green ones are closest to Amane’s body. It is extremely likely that Riyone also suggested this for Gachata to use. His eyes are closed,  and he looks like he’s either concentrating on his actions or trying not to focus on the implications of what he’s doing. Another thing to note is the fact that he has the same expression as Riyone in the discovery scene (a dead-eyed stare), though it is undercut by the glasses he wears.
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(To add on the idea that Yuri and Gachata were unwilling participants, Gunsli wanted to point out how Amane was punished by them as a group of three.
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As you can see, here Gachata flicks her on the forehead as a punishment instead. And while the background is the same yellow that's used in association with Riyone's punishment, the actual impact is more of a light blue. This is a blue that is associated with Amane. Both in her prison straps and on her birthday art. It is then followed up with all of them hanging out happily-
"Will you laugh with me and forgive me? I promise! I can only become a better girl!"
-until Riyone and Gozake show up.
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Incidentally, as Gunsli spotted, while Riyone is looking at Amane. Gozake is looking at Riyone, as if awaiting orders.)
In the Magic MV, it loops through this cycle of punishment five times, though the last two are zoomed in on Amane. From what Gunsli and I put together, the most likely option is that the punishment escalated until reaching white torture. This seems to be depicted by this scene-
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Along with the line that leads up to this scene,
"Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl. I hope, I hope everyone can be happy and smile. Forever, forever together would be a dream."
As you may have realized, the black is used as the main backdrop for Amane’s punishments, so the fact that she’s shown isolated, save for a single spotlight is… telling. And even after she transforms, to the joy of everyone, the stage is still a solid black, denoting the place she’s standing currently is a place of punishment.
Gunsli would also like to note that it's interesting that when the punishment ends, there's a lightning strike (also known as natural electricity) behind Amane and she is bestowed a lightning wand. The element related to Riyone's punishments. This, in addition the full reveal of pink on Amane, also makes this scene come off as a passing of the baton of sorts. Possibly showcasing that Amane may now have the power to punish people with her wand/lightning rod and the ideology of Riyone acts as her "wings", carrying her higher up the ranks.
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After that it departs from chibi to the regular style. Amane waves her wand, background transitioning via star wipe into a blue, before walking out of it, the stage returning back to normal. This is likely meant to represent her leaving the white torture room. Again, this is a similar blue to her birthday art and prisoner strap. The stars, on the other hand, resemble the luminous yellow in Riyone's punishment. Stars are also a natural form of light, one of the possible methods of reprimanding Riyone used. Another important detail is that in this scene, the white on Amane's clothes gets illuminated, washing out everything else.
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After that, she blows a kiss at the viewer, joining hands with the other members before the credits roll-
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-before it glitches out, reflected in Amane’s eyes. However, the only thing reflected is the empty stage, the cult’s symbol on full display.
Closing Notes:
It very much appears that Amane has undergone several forms of torture as a punishment. Not to mention that, if we're right, this was coordinated by her mother. It would be a good idea to keep this in mind, especially since Amane has likely been re-traumatized due to the voices the guilty prisoners have been hearing.
“How about we not continue to torture the literal torture victim this round. That'd be great.” - Gunsli
As for me, I agree with Gunsli. Amane’s been through enough, as is.
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queenlucythevaliant · 7 months
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Here's what I'll say regarding choice of worship music (and I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, so bear with me): I think it's very easy to get burned out on specific kinds of worship, no matter what they are. And that kind of burn-out is hard.
I grew up at a church that did 95% CCM for worship, and after a while it either (a) exhausted me emotionally or (b) bored me. By the time I hit high school, I really really struggled with corporate worship because it felt as though I wasn't responding as I was supposed to. Getting to sing mostly hymns at the church I attended at college was a huge breath of fresh air, and it helped me immensely in terms of re-orienting my heart towards Christ-centered worship (as opposed to me-centered worship.) For the first time in my life, I found myself listening to Christian music on my own time during the week.
I watched the recent Jesus Revolution movie with mom over the summer. Her family started attending Calvary Chapel (then-nascent hippy church in Orange County) midway through her childhood, and she got really excited talking about the difference between the hymns she remembered from early elementary school ("we sang the whole hymnal rather than selecting for the really good ones like they do at your church") and the much more dynamic music that came out of Maranatha and other early "contemporary" Christian groups. She actually played me a whole bunch of the songs she grew up with the next morning. They sounded horrifically cheesy to me, but she got real joy out of it and even ended up texting a few songs to my aunt.
And yet, my mom has remarked a whole bunch of times to me that she really can't stand current CCM; that she desperately misses singing the old hymns. I look at myself and my own experience and I can totally see myself coming back to some of the CCM songs I grew up with and encountering Christ through them all new again. As recently as last month, I had a really beautiful experience driving back from a concert crazy late at night with my sister and listening to some of the old Chris Tomlin and Hillsong stuff that I hadn't heard in a while. It brought me back to a sense of incredible comfort and safety nestled up against God like a baby chick. Do I want to worship with that sort of music every week right now? No, definitely not. But it has its place.
Obviously worship transcends something as incidental as music genre. It's an expression of why we were created: glorifying God and enjoying him forever --- and yet, because of the fall, it's really easy to get burned out on specific expressions of worship. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing so much as just a symptom of the fall. I also think that people who are really burned out on a particular kind of worship can be really, really obnoxious about it. I know I was for a while, and I still definitely have my hangups with CCM.
But like- I don't think it's so much about judgement or superiority towards the kind of worship music that you're burnt out on as it is just the overwhelming sense that that kind of worship music felt exhausting and this kind of music actually feels like I'm able to worship again. I know when I started singing hymns at church, it just felt like I'd found the Rosetta Stone. I was suddenly so much less in my own head on Sunday mornings and oh my goodness singing to God was a joy again and I can't remember but I don't think it's ever been a joy like this before has it?? It was almost like my head was spinning with some great new revelation and when I was obnoxious about it it was mostly a manifestation of my being like Why didn't anyone ever tell me it could be like this? Why isn't everyone singing hymns? It's just so much better this way!
Mostly, it just feels like saying "don't be overly critical of how other Christians like to worship" kind of. Misses the trees for the forest, if that makes sense? Like, it's accurate to the big picture, it's absolutely a true and worthwhile thing to say. But at the same time it kind of rankles for me because it misses how it feels to be truly and deeply alienated by the kind of worship you're exposed to.
For better and for worse, worship is (I think) the spiritual discipline that engages the emotions most directly. The feeling of being in a group of people all worshipping together, and your heart just isn't responding right no matter how you try to re-focus and orient it? It's one of the loneliest feelings I know.
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batbigbang · 6 months
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Bat Big Bang: What Would You Trade The Pain For? (I’m Not Sure)
Author: @disniq Artist(s): @chipmunkery
Rating: Explicit Ao3 Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationship(s): Jason Todd/Bruce Wayne Key Characters: Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Batfamily Members, Background Canon Characters Summary: Jason has been doing an outstanding job of not thinking about Bruce in the four months since Roy pulled his ass out of Gotham. When Jason gets hit by an unidentified beam and starts reliving his worst Bruce-related memories in his dreams, though, there’s not a whole lot he can do about it except maybe vent some frustrations. Or; the universe conspires to put Jason and Bruce in a get-along shirt. It only deteriorates from there. Word Count: 65,560
Author’s Notes: I’m so excited to finally share this beast after 10 months for work! It was, at the time of writing, my first time writing BruJay, my first attempt at writing Bruce’s POV, and my first alternating POV fic! It’s also my longest finished fic ever, and my first time writing a complete multichapter story before posting, and I absolutely couldn’t have done it without incredible support and enthusiastic encouragement from BenBamboozled and MarsupialMenace! Love you guys!! Thanks for listening to me lose my mind to this fic for the past few months xD A huge thank you, too, to my wonderful artist Chipmunkery! They did such a fantastic job of pulling these scenes from my head, and I am still a little in awe of their work. And thank you to the mods for running this inclusive event, and pushing me wayyyy out of my comfort zone! It’s been a ride, I hope you guys enjoy it!
Artist’s Notes: Disniq's imagery is so vivid and beautiful! I was so excited to take all of the details they weaved into their writing and translate them visually. I decided to focus on two emotionally charged scenes that were at very different points in Bruce and Jason’s relationship and emphasize the changes by pushing the juxtaposition in any way I could (lighting, mood, orientation, etc.) It was a fun challenge to create two pieces that are so different thematically, but still work together cohesively. This is my first big bang and I had so much fun that I definitely plan on doing more in the future. There are so many incredibly skilled writers and artists who worked on this project and everyone involved has been so nice and really supportive of each other. Big and special thanks to Disniq for being such a great partner to work with, and to the mod team for all of the hard work that went into making this happen. You’re all amazing! <3
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So honestly, getting my parking pass yesterday hit me very hard (metaphorically).
I went into my doctor's office to ask if I'd even be applicable for one, because multiple people have asked why I don't have one yet.
I was half expecting her to say no, I didn't qualify. Or to say yes, but we'll start with a 3 month placard.
Immediately after I'd asked, she pulled up the paperwork and started filling it out. I never asked for a specific time-length, but she put down five years. And I went through the paperwork afterwards, and seeing her put down "severely disabled" was a lot to process.
It's absolutely true, but seeing it written down on an official document has me Feeling Things. And when the person at the registry put the 2029 sticker on it, that also caused some Feelings.
Logically, it's wonderful and will be very helpful to have the placard. Emotionally, it's also wonderful and will save me a lot of stress. But also emotionally, wow it's definitely more to process having things written down so explicitly.
I don't know, I guess I have more internalized ableism to process than I thought.
(But I was very impressed by how fast that went. I'm very lucky to have a great doctor, and live near a great registry. Everyone has been super helpful and supportive in ways I never could have imagined)
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miss-inkwell · 1 year
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Wow this episode it gave me so much Janine development and Janine’s mom!!!
I love how the episode starts because it really showcases how Janine is growing she’s prioritizing herself. She’s taking herself on a trip because that is so important getting time away for yourself does wonders for your mental health. I loved that no one made fun of her it really shows that despite their teasing they love her and they know she deserves it.
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Unfortunately her plans hit a snag when her mom comes unexpectedly which already shows what her mom is like. She shows up whenever she wants acting like it’s not disruptive and for ulterior motives. Janine is wary but somewhat happy to see her. I find it crazy that she lives in the same neighbourhood but haven’t spoken in six months. It really shows how her mom just doesn’t care and comes when it’s comes to her personal life. I definitely got the sense that Janine has a hard time saying no to her mom because she struggles a lot with money and she’s always taken care of her even though her mom takes advantage of that. It definitely makes sense why Ayesha left because she couldn’t deal with this mess that is her mom. Janine has always been the fixer of the family and just in life she feels the need to fix things. You could also tell that while part of her was happy to see her she was also awkward and unsure because she knew something was off. The feeling of why are you seeing me now when I’ve called so many times.
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It was really sad that she was very much willing to give up her vacation money for her mom’s phone. I have a feeling that in her head she’s thinking it is what it is. That said, she has her work mom in her corner and she doesn’t trust Vanetta at all. This change for Barbara was really good to see because we’ve seen her grow to love Janine. In the beginning of season one she saw her as a bit of a nuisance who was too eager to a mentor and now a mother figure. It’s really heartwarming and whirl I was shocked that she doubled down on Vanetta but I was glad she did. She needed to hear that Janine shouldn’t give her money away. It was really telling that Vanetta said that she birthed her but didn’t mention things she actually knows or loves about her daughter. She didn’t even know Janine and Tariq broke up! I really hated that she said Janine couldn’t keep a man down that was so disrespectful!
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Despite all that Janine unfortunately heard part of the argument and came to a decision. She was going to make a compromise and give her two payments to get her started but not all of it. This is a fair compromise but I also wish she didn’t have to do it. She still gave away part of her trip to please her mother who can’t take care of herself. This is still growth though because she is setting boundaries and putting herself first. It must be tough because that’s her mom and she doesn’t want her to struggle. They may have hugged here but their relationship is still not the best.
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I love that she goes to Barbara as well and really confides in her about her mom and it’s really heartbreaking. To love your mom but to really have to deal with how much of a mess she is is so sad. She’s been emotionally exhausted for years because she’s had to be the parent. She’s had to fix things which is why she feels the need to want to fix everything and solve problems at Abbott. She hates conflict because of how much her mom and sister fight and how she was always caught in the middle. Janine uses her positivity as an escape from the pain she’s been through. She said she just wants to help which is true but it’s at a cost of her own well being.
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I love that Barbara shows how she’s her true mother here giving her tips on what to do on the trip. The fact that she wants to go shopping together?! I just know that season one Janine would say “is this really happening?” It was such a touching moment and really showed how much Janine is loved despite the teasing at times.
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This episode even ended with a cute Teddie moment it was very much a “how was your day honey?” They’re so married he was walking with her even though he wasn’t leaving yet they’re so cute!
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In conclusion Janine’s development this season is wonderful she’s prioritizing herself, gaining new friendships, setting boundaries and now has a true mom in Barbara after it just being a hope in season one 😭so much growth in so proud of her. I can’t wait to see what the finale brings for Teddie because it’s definitely going to have big moments for them.
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Hello!!! May I please ask for confession headcanons of chamber, kay/o and yoru with a fem!reader? Hehehehrh have a lovely day, and thank you ❤❤❤
Have a good day too 💚 also sorry about the spacing getting weird in the middle of Kayo’s. I wrote half of this on my iPad and the other half on my phone so.. :p
Chamber
okok we all know the man is rich and fancy
but when he confesses? he doesn’t wanna go too hard with it so he puts on a usual suit and gets a bouquet of your favourite flowers
and yknow he could use his usual charming persona OR he could opt to let his guard down a little as a display of trust
it’s the latter
he waits until you’re done working for the day to approach you in your room
he gifts the bouquet which is when you know something is up: either he’s just being nice or he fucked up something you don’t know about yet and is preemptively apologising with flowers
either way they smell nice
“there is… something I wanted to talk to you about”
and now you’re even more confused because when chamber messes something up he owns it. You’re not used to a mildly hesitant chamber, especially not one with pink ears
“did someone die or something? You’re scaring me here chamber”
he is so confused lmao
“no???”
he figures now it might be a little awkward so before it gets any more awkward he’s gonna say it
“I quite enjoy being in your company, madam. More than I probably should, but these feelings for you are very persistent. You are always on my mind and it’s driving me crazy.”
you’re baffled because no way in hell is chamber confessing to you right now
“if you would like to, may I take you out to dinner sometime?”
ok so you had feelings for him too- how could you not with his smug charming self showing up to keep you company so often over the past few months?
“are you asking me on a date?”
“was that not clear?”
ahhhhh and there’s that smile, his confident persona slipping back into place
“just making sure. Did you have anything in mind?”
and it’s not a ‘no’ so chambers heart leaps
Kayo
this dude definitely looked at a wikihow article on how to ask someone out
he’s never done this before and he refuses to ask anyone else for advice
so Kayo shows up at the practice range late at night knowing full well you’ll be there
he swiped some cookies and gives them to you first
”I read that humans like sweet foods as gifts”
you thank him and stop shooting bots to eat them next to him
you notice he’s warmer than usual but chalk it up to Robot Things tm
except that he’s less talkative than he usually is
”are you ok kayo?”
”yes, I’m just thinking about what to say”
”about what?”
”about you. And me. I’ve never felt like this about a human before”
And then it hits you, what he’s talking about
”You humans call it a crush”
And you can’t help a “aweeeee kayo! That’s really sweet. Honestly, I’ve kind of had a... crush on you too but I didn’t want to make it weird between us since you’re a robot and all… I wasn’t sure if you…”
He’s a little bit taken aback, he had hopes this would go well but yknow, hope for the best, prepare for the worst
and now you can definitely feel him heating up even more
”don’t blow a fuse thinking too hard there, iron giant”
”ha-ha”
(id like to imagine he can make little emoticon expressions on his face and there’s a little :) now)
Yoru
OK SO
not be cliche but he writes you a note and sticks it under your door
hes horrible at communicating his feelings but he really wants this to go well and doesn’t want his walnut brain screwing it up
in the note he talks about how much he likes spending time with you, the way you make him laugh
of course he’s gonna lightly tease you, even in the note because it’s yoru
and then he writes about how you make him feel, how it’s hard to think straight around you
he feels so stupid writing it but it’s the safest option for his emotionally constipated ass
the morning after you receive the note you head to his room to talk to him about it
he opens the door in his pajamas, sleep tussled hair, morning voice in all it’s glory
he’s half awake but the sight of you in front of him holding his note is like ice cold water to the face
”so… I read your note”
he is so on edge
”I’m really happy you feel the same way I do, yoru”
he can’t help the “really?” That slips out
”I didn’t take you for a love letter kind of guy though” you tease
”it’s not a love letter! I just.. I didn’t wanna mess it up”
he’s got a pout on his face but a tight hug has him smiling into your hair
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steddieas-shegoes · 9 months
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This is probably gonna get long and it’s personal and it’s just me having sad feelings so please don’t feel like you need to read ❤️
If it isn’t like really clear from just the way I post about Liam, it’s always just been me and him.
It was just me when I was pregnant (and that’s a hell of a story because I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was already almost four months along), it was me during labor (and my mom but if you’ve ever been in labor with your mom there you know that’s kinda hit or miss), and me 24/7 since he was born.
It’s just me on the birth certificate (even though I could have done things differently).
It’s just me.
And like most of the time, especially as he’s gotten older, I’m pretty okay. Kind of glad actually. I can raise him the way I want to and I know that we have a bond that’s really incredible and unique. I know that because he’s such a good little human, I’m doing alright.
But there are some days (like Father’s Day) where it hits me way harder than it probably will ever hit him that it’s JUST me.
I don’t have a partner in this. I’m 100% responsible 100% of the time for him. Physically, emotionally, financially (hence, the fundraising for hockey).
And it’s not necessarily sadness that we call Father’s Day Papa’s Day instead (he always gets my dad a small gift), but more just an overwhelming feeling of failure?
Even though I know really I’m not failing him, I’m working hard every day to make things better for both of us, days like today are just a reminder that I have to keep doing better.
It’s a lot of pressure.
Every parent feels it regardless of the support they have (and I do have a lot of other support!), but at the end of the day, I’m the only parent he’s got.
He’s never had questions. Honestly, I’ve been mentally prepared for them for years because he’s always been a very curious kid. But not once has he asked about who I refer to as his sperm donor (it’s okay you can laugh it’s a coping mechanism and it’s funny as fuck), and I’ve never felt the need to tell him unless he asks. I’m sure a lot of it is because he has SO many amazing people who love him. My platonic soulmate is his uncle just as much as my sister is his aunt, I’ve lived with my parents since I had him so they’ve been around constantly, we have a second family who always tells us to “come home” when we’re gonna be at hockey for two days in a row.
It sounds whiny because I DO have so much support.
But I think it’s just hard to know that the support I thought I would have wasn’t there and my entire life had to adjust because of it. Liam’s entire life is different because of it.
In the long run, it’s for the better. But some days, like today, it really hits me that we both missed out on something.
I’m also coming down from the adrenaline of last weekend and I always have a hell of a crash after concerts/time with my person/overwhelming things like my first pride. And my period just ended. That definitely doesn’t help.
So if you read this, you’re a real one. I’m not one to shy away from my personal life much, I find a lot of value in sharing things in case someone else feels the same way and is looking for validation. Plus I don’t have insurance/money for a therapist so this is the next best thing!
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hydn-jpg · 7 months
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hello!! i am alive !!!!
how have y'all been? i've definitely been better lol
so... i can explain. or maybe not. i've never been good at talking about things but i'll do my best
under the cut bc a bunch of things happened and this'll probably be very long:
honestly where do i even start?
it has been a very rough almost month and a half for me, it was as if whatever god or entity out there went "lol wouldn't it be funny if we made this person go through several bad things all within the span of a few weeks" and then did just that
in early august i got a call from my mom that my grandmother had passed away. i had just gotten home from class at the time, but i immediately went out again and took the soonest available flight back to korea for her funeral. losing her hit me pretty hard honestly, she was the one i turned to when things were hard, and was also the only one who was generally supportive of my identity and sexuality. she didn't really get it, but she never made homophobic or transphobic comments, and was always kind and unconditionally loving. chuseok this year will be difficult without her around but at least she is in a better place i hope.
i took two weeks off from school to stay with my family after that. when i got back i was mostly catching up on all the classes i missed so i had very little time to do anything else. the stress coupled with all the physical exertion and everything else lead me to have the worst asthma attack i've experienced as of yet, it could've gotten a lot worse if it weren't for my kind neighbours who rushed to help me when they saw me struggling in the hallway
then in late august i got into a car accident. i was driving home from campus (which is an hour away), it was raining very heavily and i guess i lost control of my car. i am not sure what exactly happened honestly, one moment i was driving peacefully (and at appropriate speed for driving in the rain) and the next moment my car was spinning around and hitting the guardrails before crashing. it sounds cliché but everything was in slow motion and i literally saw my life flash before my eyes. i'm really thankful that the highway was basically empty, so no one else was affected. i somehow came out of the accident with only a concussion, a badly sprained arm and neck and some cuts and bruises. those will surely heal with time but the trauma of it will probably stay for quite a while.
so that's what happened. my mental health has not been great but i've been feeling a bit better lately! so that's good. i've been too physically, mentally and emotionally drained to do anything haha.
i probably won't be able to draw for a while thanks to my injury so you won't be seeing any art from me for at least another month or so,, to people i still owe commissions to, i will have to give you an IOU because again, i can't draw rn but also because i lost basically all the art that i haven't backed up during the crash, which unfortunately includes the commission sketches :( i'm so sorry, i'll redraw them as soon as i'm able to. i really wish procreate had an automatic cloud backup system so at least the sketches i did were saved but we can't always get what we want i guess,,
thank you to everyone who reached out and asked about my wellbeing and i'm really sorry for ignoring your messages and tags. i'll get to them as soon as i can!
tldr; my grandma passed, i had a bad asthma attack and i got into a car accident but i am okay. not really but i'll be okay maybe. lmao.
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spareparts-vn · 2 months
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me and a friend have been playing through spare parts together, and we really adore it! im curious if you have any other favorite visual novels, or ones that you can recommend - i feel like i see a lot of higurashi inspiration, but that might just be because ive played it recently!
thank you!
thank you! i've definitely taken a lot from all of ryukishi's works. i probably wouldn't be making a vn if it weren't for umineko.
the flowers series is really great. the first volume is maybe a little awkward in some ways, but after that it immediately hits its stride and keeps going. lots of messy nuanced relationships and feelings, fun dynamics btwn characters, and some moments that punched me in the stomach very hard (emotionally).
mamiya has a lot of great stuff in it. i like how it's structured and how it lets you see different sides of all its characters, where they struggle and where they have the strength to support others. my only caveat is that there's some trans stuff that has some substance but spills into eye-rolly imo
the house in fata morgana is an easy recommendation. kindred spirits on the roof is a classic. i'm the resident danganronpa v3 defender but that's a whole can of worms. i can never remember everything i've read so there's a lot others i'm sure but that's what comes to mind. i've been so busy i haven't found the time to read much this past year but i want to do some catching up soon.
also when i went to grab the link for mamiya i saw that the followup dlc for that finally released a few months ago and i didn't hear about it so now i need to make time to read that!!!!! aaahhh!!!!!!!!!
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noemitenshi · 4 months
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The moon bathes your face in gentle light
A Troy Otto post s8 Imagine/story of how Tracy and him started to heal after the events of that horrible season.
The idea came to me after a conversation with @marrecarandgi so many thanks for that! It wouldn't exist without you 🧡
Let's jump into it.
As per our agreement, Troy Otto definitely 100% survived the stabbing by Madison. I'm not gonna be thinking too much about how (taking a page out of canon's book - they never explained how he survived the hit to the head nor getting stabbed by Alicia either. Guess he's just *that good*). So, Troy survives, though I'm sure it's not pretty. By the skin of his teeth, in immense pain, and fearing for his daughter. Maybe not so much her survival because he gave his best didn't he. But what his lie will do to her. Now that this didn't kill him (again, again it didn't kill him). And every waking hour he imagines Tracy with Madison, imagines Madison turning Tracy against *him*. And he wishes it would be enough to know she survives but of course it's not. It's a father's pain he's bearing now (on top of the gaping gut wound, though he probably did something about that...), the loss of his daughter. Not the end of her life but the end of her love. And he has to be patient now, has to *heal* and it takes time, he knows it does (he's been through this before). He can't rush these things but god he wishes he could, he feels he's going crazy with this, waiting. Waiting never was his strong suite, he'd always preferred to act, however rashly. Preferred to *do* not think. And now thinking is the only thing that he *can* do. It takes weeks. Months, before he is halfway fit again (and probably a lot of sheer dumb luck, again, don't think too much about this). Anyway, the point is, he knows how to fight for things, how to go on despite, *how to survive* and he puts his all into it now. So he may get his daughter back (don't think about her, don't think about her, just get better). And once he is, better, he's putting everything into finding her. He *has to*. And of course he does. Probably sneaks into the camp at night and slits Madison's throat (like he should've done way back in s3...). If Alicia's there I don't think she survives this either. And then he takes his daughter and they leave. Off into the sunset they ride (or, I guess, sunrise. Since it was night). Now. Probably both of them will have some new trauma to deal with. Troy for, well, having been stabbed and losing his daughter (even for a bit) and losing his men and their kids and the safe place to call him he almost had in his hands... and Tracy for having lived with the killer of her dad - and thinking that her father had died. So, it's a lot for both of them. And I think both of them only start feeling these things when they have one another again (Tracy because she finally feels safe again and Troy because now his mind can finally stop thinking nonstop about getting Tracy back and uh starts processing all that other shit). So they aren't in the best place, emotionally speaking. Troy is bitter (though he really tries with Tracy. I do think he is still good with her, there's just now an edge in him that wasn't there before). And Tracy... Tracy probably has nightmares and panic/anxiety attacks - probably also bursts of anger at her dad. This is difficult on both of them... probably reminding Troy of his own childhood (the bursts of almost unexplained anger) and he's gonna have to work extra hard not to react like his parents (in high-stress situations it is very likely to fall back to well-known behaviorial patterns after all and what he knows *really well* is how his parents dealt with him when he behaved "badly"). So no wonder is he bitter/moody. On top of it all they still don't have a place to call home and maybe are just wandering around in search for... something. Not even sure he feels like he could built a new community since he lost his men - from the way they were it seemed like they were together for a while now. That has got to hurt. And maybe he feels safer, wandering around, not staying anywhere too long. (Maybe he is trying to run away, from these feelings - not that he can. he knows that. but the urge is still in him and so he gives into this, for a little. he's already stretched so very thin, he can't fight himself on this front now, too).
And one night when they've been scouting a bit too long, they stumble into another person's camp. or, well, it's not really a camp, not even a fire going, that's why they didn't avoid this spot, just a man curled on the ground, right by a tree. He woke, of course, when Troy stumbled over his feet. He didn't hesitate to give Tracy the signal to get out of sight, NOW, while he regained his footing, hand going to the pistol on his side while he eyed the stranger, who was slowly straightening into a sitting position, blinking slowly.
"you!"
They both spoke simultaneously and Troy's hand twitched with the need to draw his weapon when he saw who that man was. He *knew* him. And the second he'd recognized him, he felt like fate had slapped him. On both cheeks. That was...
"crazy dog"
That couldn't be true. But it was, he was here. What where all these ghosts from his past doing here?! When would he finally find peace from all of that!??!
"Troy Otto..." Crazy Dog replied. *He* didn't seem tense. Didn't seem alarmed. He looked - different, too, then back at the ranch. And Troy wasn't sure if it was just his missing anger or - something else? Haggard, he realized, Crazy Dog was haggard. Seemed tired too or was that because he'd leaned his head against the tree trunk and continued to look at Troy silently. Troy furrowed his brows. That was... not at all the reaction he had expected. It was so out of left field that he heard himself ask
"aren't you gonna draw your weapon?"
God, what was he doing?! Did he *want* a violent confrontation?
"No." Crazy Dog's answer was - not firm, not really. But it still had an air of finality to it. It had come faster than anything else he said (or did) before, too. Troy blinked. Mouthed 'no' uncomprehendingly. What was going on? The Crazy Dog he remembered had been dead set on killing him - had only waited for Troy to give him a reason, *any* reason. This, now, was the perfect opportunity to do so. But he seemed wholly uninterested in that. Not even bothered by Troy standing in front of him. Not *threatened*. Troy pulled his lips back into a snarl.
"I'm gonna be taking your things," he announced. Didn't even know why. Did he *want* to anger the other man?
"Don't have much anyway," Crazy Dog said mildly and - what was wrong with him!? Didn't he *care*?!
"Dad?"
Troy froze. Tracy apparently had figured there was no danger - no wonder, Crazy Dog hadn't even risen, still leaning almost relaxed against the tree trunk; both their voices were calm and Troy hadn't drawn his own weapon either.
"Dad?" Crazy Dog repeated and Troy swallowed uncomfrotably. *Afraid*. Would that tidbit finally compell the other man to be cruel? Was that what it would take to bring the Crazy Dog of old to the forefront? And without him even noticing he'd stepped in front of Tracy, blocking her from Crazy Dog's view, his face a stony mask.
"Take it."
Troy couldn't quite process what Crazy Dog had said to him, it didn't make sense. Not even a little. He must've looked confused, because Crazy Dog repeated, "My things" and nodded to the backpack, "Take them all." And it looked like - was that a slight smile tugging at Crazy Dog's lips? Was he having a stroke!? Or was Troy? Something wasn't right - but then again, why would he look a gift horse in the mouth? So he leaned down and took the backpack - somehow still expecting to be stabbed in the back. But no. Nothing like that was happening. *Nothing* was happening, actually. Just Crazy Dog looking at him, still with that almost smile. Even when he slung the backpack over his shoulder nothing changed.
"Thank you" that was Tracy, coming to stand right besides Troy, looking at Crazy Dog curiously. Her words were honest and Troy had the urge to pull her back behind himself again. Especially when Crazy Dog's gaze slid to her. That was it, wasn't it? He'd do what Troy had feared, attack them after all. Why did Tracy have to go and draw his attention like that---
But nothing like that happened. The only thing moving were the corners of Crazy Dog's mouth, deepening the slight smile a little - so it actually looked like a smile now. Somehow it made him appear even more tired. *Exhausted*. That's what it was. That was why he looked so different to how Troy remembered him. Not the years etched on his face, nor even the haggardness. It was the air of defeat around him. He *never once* had seemed defeated back then... He nodded at Tracy, kindly - again something that didn't fit with Troy's experience with that man. His daughter was smiling back and Troy stared. Seeing her smile, especially towards strangers, had become so seldom these days. So seldom after - Madison.
Tracy caught his gaze and raised her eyebrows demandingly. What was she--- oh.
"Thanks," he mumbled quickly, and watched his daughter smile at him now sweetly. He grinned back.
What he wouldn't do to have her smile like that.
Tracy looked suddenly around, searchingly. Troy enjoyed watching her when she got like this. Curious, inquisitive. About to solve some kind of puzzle in her mind. It was a delight, getting to see how her brain worked.
"Uhm...should we maybe stay here, dad? Until morning?"
Today was just full of unexpected things wasn't it? Never could he have predicted her saying exactly those words. 'No!' was his first impulse, he did not want to stay longer around Crazy Dog than he had to. Taking his things probably was already a mistake. Made them spend more time than necessary here... But then, this wasn't the kind of dad he was. Had made sure of it. Painstakingly. So, he asked,
"Why do you say that?"
"...it's not the safest spot..." she mumbled. Oh. She wanted to make sure Crazy Dog was ok. That was... Troy didn't know what that was.
"That's alright," Crazy Dog said before Troy could think of a reply, "I'll get home at first light. Don't you worry about me." His voice was still wrong. Different now though. Different now that he was talking to Tracy. Not as... devoid as before.
"We really should get going." Troy didn't waste time trying to hurry Tracy along. Especially since Crazy Dog seemed to be doing the same.
"Dad!" Tracy was tugging at his shirt "Dad, we can get him home right?" Then she turned to Crazy Dog "Our car isn't far from here, we-"
"Tracy." Troy's voice wasn't loud, nor especially harsh but she still stopped speaking. She knew it was his no-nonsense tone. The one that said she didn't have all information, didn't see all consequences of her actions. She didn't like when he used it and couldn't wait to ask him *what exactly* she hadn't thought through.
"Go along now, I'll be fine."
Troy was strangely thankful to the other man for insisting on this - and he didn't want to be.
"You heard him," he said, taking Tracy's hand in his and then they were walking.
"Be careful!" Tracy said as if it were an invocation, her serious eyes boring into Crazy Dog's.
"You too," he answered her immediately. But his gaze caught Troy's. Troy did not know what to make of this. This whole interaction feeling unreal. It had him on edge in a strange way and he couldn't wait to get as far away from this as possible.
Of course it wasn't that easy.
And so he found himself driving back to that spot, opening his door and hissing
"get in"
to crazy dog. Crazy Dog looked as perplexed as Troy himself felt over the whole thing - but then, Tracy always did have a way to get what she wanted. He didn't know why he'd thought it would be different this time. She'd been adamant about helping that person that had so selflessly given up his things. Troy had wanted to point out that he didn't seem to *care* one way or another, but really, that wouldn't accomplish anything but make her sad. or worried. he wasn't sure which one was worse. so he just bit his tongue. He *had* told her who he was - Crazy Dog. She knew that name from his tales. And - he'd thought it would make her back down. She had - hesitated (and that had hurt him unexpectedly, the sudden *curling into herself*. Of course, figures of his past would incite that reaction. After what the last group had done...!) But she hadn't backed down in the end, weighing Crazy Dog's behavior towards them *now* more than anything else that had happened in the past.
And so Troy agreed to do what she wanted because - he hadn't seen her as animated, as *invested* since - since! Her time away from him had done a number on her. On both of them, but he'd gladly shoulder whatever needed to, just so she could be spared. But that wasn't how it worked and so he had been helpless to watch her be this subdued, quiet child since he'd... recued her from Madison. Had watched her be so unlike herself. Had tried to bring her back, of course, anything and everything he could think of but---no need to keep thinking about that. His kid was back, at least for now.
And so he was now watching Crazy Dog hesitantly get into the back of the truck.
"Where am I going?" Troy asked him, and this was maybe the strangest thing to happen that night. Asking Crazy Dog for directions. But the way Tracy was beaming more than made up for him and when the other man didn't immediately answer Troy turned his head to him.
"Where to?" he asked again and somehow his voice had turned softer. Crazy Dog's gaze met Troy's. And after a little sigh he told him.
The drive was maybe half an hour at the most - and no one seemed to feel the desire to speak. Not even Tracy. Or maybe that was just Tracy retreating into herself again. Though she didn't look subdued, quite the opposite actually. Maybe she was just content. That thought made Troy smile a little. Maybe she really was. The road turned from asphalt to dirt and after a while Troy could see a farmhouse at the end of it.
"That it?" he asked. Crazy Dog nodded.
"You can just let me out he---"
"We said we'd get you home and we will," Troy interrupted. Honestly, they were almost there.
Crazy Dog nodded.
Then, slowly he said,
"You can.. come in if you want. Stay - the night. It's late." Almost reluctantly.
Troy still felt a sliver of irrational danger just imagining Crazy Dog near his daughter - but his daughter was looking at him with big big eyes and he thought a real bed would do her some good.
"It is," was all he said. Was as much as he allowed himself to agree.
"It's so nice here!" Tracy exclaimed once her large eyes had taken in as much as they could of the living area.
"Yeah," Crazy Dog said in that slow way of his, "it is..." Then he looked at her, brows furrowed. "I don't even know your name."
"Tracy," Tracy said. Crazy Dog repeated her name softly.
"I'm Lee," he said then.
"Not Crazy Dog?" Of course his daughter wouldn't let something like rest - and frankly, Troy wanted to know the answer to that, too.
"Just Lee," Crazy Dog - Lee? said mildly and without stopping asked, "Want something to eat? I've got food in the kitchen"- he nodded towards a door behind which Troy guessed was said kitchen-"though I'm not the best cook so... it's straight out of the can..."
"I can cook," Troy said and then let ...Lee show him around.
"It's not much," *Lee* said, almost apologetically. He was right, it wasn't the best stocked kitchen. But it was better than what Tracy and him had had the last few days. Weeks.
"I can work with this," Troy announced. *Lee* nodded at him.
"Take what you need. I'll leave you to it."
*
When Lee went back to the living room, he saw that Tracy had cozied up on the couch. It looked precious, in a way nothing had for... for a while now and the ghost of a smile was again tugging at his lips. He was strangely glad they had accepted his offer to stay. Or maybe not so strange, the house feeling more alive now than... for a while now. He sat down on the chair besides the couch and watched Tracy doze. How strange to think that Troy Otto had a child - a very sweet one at that. But then, years had passed. Years in which he'd assumed him dead. He... wasn't saddened to find he'd been wrong in that. Or maybe he was just glad to see how well Tracy had it with *him* as dad. Lee would not have guessed that Troy would turn into an indulgent dad. Would not have guessed he'd turn into a *good* dad, but from everything he'd seen today exactly this had happened.
"You *are* Crazy Dog though, aren't you?" Tracy was suddenly looking straight at him, sharp sharp eyes boring into his. Oh yes, she was her father's daughter.
"That's not a name I'm using anymore," Lee said.
"You know each other from ..back at the ranch," she continued without acknowledging what he'd said. Lee nodded.
"My dad told me you wanted him dead... why are you helping us now?"
Oh she was quite brave, this one. He'd have expected nothing less of Troy Otto's child. Whatever could be said about the man, a lack of bravery wasn't it. But where the bravery was almost scary in its intensity in Troy, it was endearing in Tracy.
"That was then. This is now."
Apparently this wasn't a good enough answer for her because she asked, sharply,
"You don't want him dead anymore?"
"I've got no reason to," Lee told her. He didn't. Who cared what had happened years ago. He'd moved on. he'd built a whole new life---
"He robbed you."
Oh, so she *had* heard that part, hm. Still he disagreed,
"I freely gave it to you"
"...why are you helping us?"
Lee closed his eyes, unwilling to think about this, to let his mind wander there...
"You have no reason to," she said, emphasizing the words almost mockingly. A challenge.
"...I do," Lee said softly. Oh, did he ever and his heart squeezed uncomfortably, his throat closed up and he tried to swallow against it.
"Food's done!" Troy had appeared in the kitchen doorway - just at the right time, it seemed. "Come." With one last look at Lee, Tracy went.
Lee breathed a sigh of relief, he hadn't been sure how much more of her questions he could take before... He shook his head and focused on his breathing. Slow and deliberate. In. Pause. Out. Pause. In. Pause. Out. Pause. And on and on until it was the only thing filling his mind. And then some more.
A sudden noise made him flinch and open his eyes. A plate of steaming food was placed in front of him.
"I meant you, too, you know?" Troy told him casually. Then he went back to the kitchen. Lee blinked at the food. It smelled - good. Much better than... He sighed. Then he slowly started eating. He figured they'd be more comfortable without him in the kitchen.
After they were done eating, Lee showed them the bathroom and the master bedroom. He knew how important it was to be able to stay together, especially during night, during sleep, the most vulnerable time. He took the couch - just like he'd done the days before. Somehow sleep came easier to him today.
*
The next day Troy woke early. Tracy was still sleeping and so he let her, softly moving out of the room and downstairs. He wasn't sure if he was surprised or not to see *Lee* awake too. He was just sitting there, looking outside into the rain. Still like a statue.
"What's wrong with you?" slipped from Troy - no one could accuse him of having tact. (And honestly, he was about fed up with this version of Crazy Dog. With being on this strange edge the whole time. He'd rather have it out, he thought). Lee turned to him, eyes suddenly as cold and dark as he remembered.
"I'm not talking about that."
Well. That wasn't helpful at all. Made him angry in a petulant way. But then, *he* didn't want to be to start a fight. Didn't want to destroy this for Tracy. They'd leave here soon enough and then who cared what had happened to Crazy Dog. So he turned his attention to the outside, where Lee was staring. A beautiful garden. Flowers and vegetable patches filling it.
He wondered about the canned food.
"Quite a garden," he remarked.
"...Yeah."
Troy rolled his eyes and decided to go snoop a little. Was bound to be more interesting than a conversation with *him*. That unsettling version of Crazy Dog. He didn't want to be too obvious about it, so he didn't exactly rummage around in closets (though he itched to), instead looking at what was displayed. The books laying around (a suspicious lot of them *medical* though he supposed it made sense to learn as much as one could about these things - doctors were hard to come by these days..), the wide array of knick-knacks. He couldn't see a common thread there. Shells and necklaces, lighters and key chains, little toys and pens. Strewn all over the house from what Troy could see. Curious.
"Dad?!"
Tracy was awake, and from the sounds of it trying not to panic.
"I'm here!" Troy was quick to reply, already going for the stairs, taking two, three at a time, rushing to her. He should've thought of that! God damn, he really should've but then - this hadn't really been an issue until now, him not being near her when she woke up. Of course it made her panic. The moment he stepped foot on the second floor Tracy rushed into his arms and he picked her up, having to shift as to not tumble down the stairs with the force with which she'd thrown herself at him.
"I'm here," he murmured, stroking over her hair, "It's alright."
She clung to him and it didn't seem like she wanted to let go anytime soon. He just shrugged good-naturedly and decided to carry her downstairs. Breakfast would do her good.
The way she hid her face in the crook of his neck, the way she held on to him had him remember their days when she was a toddler. When they'd lost--- He'd thought they'd never get through that. He'd thought, without *her* he wouldn't be able to do this. To be a good parent. He'd clung to her just as much as she'd clung to him during those days. And they both had persevered. They would again. Even if the situation seemed impossible. They'd done it once before. They would again. She'd be fine, with time. She'd get over this. He fastened his hold around her.
After breakfast - which had been a somewhat strange and subdued affair (strange because Lee had again declined to eat with them and subdued because the panic still clung to Tracy it seemed. Not as immediate but Troy could still tell) - Tracy had wandered to the bookshelves, looking through them. Somehow that had made Lee move from his place on the chair, looking to the outside and he'd started a quiet conversation with her - from what Troy could tell, asking her what she liked to read, offering different things. He watched the two of them for a while and when he saw that Tracy was becoming more animated the more they spoke he felt a tenseness fall from him he hadn't been aware of holding. *She would be ok*. Of course she would be.
Just now the sun was peaking through the clouds, the rain finally having stopped. He was immediately drawn to the garden, wanting to take a closer look at the vegetables - maybe there was something he could use?
"I'll be outside," he announced to the other two. Those had now moved to the couch, both their noses inside a thick medical book. He had to smile. Tracy definitely had her thirst for knowledge from him - and he was proud of her for that. For asking questions, trying to figure out how everything worked. It was a good thing to be thirsty for in this world, where nothing was safe. Where you could not depend on others--- He stopped these thoughts cold, stepping into the garden, his sharp eyes taking everything in. Most plants were already withered - no wonder, it was late autumn. But he did spy a small pumpkin and - weren't those sweet potatoes? He sat to work.
Somehow he didn't only harvest the few sweet potatoes and the two pumpkins but had started to cut back the plants that needed it and take out the ones that wouldn't survive the winter - he hadn't even thought about it, his hands intimately knowing what to do. And once he realized what he was doing - late into his work - he stopped, breathless, blinking around and looking at his work. Then he shook his head at himself and couldn't stop an self-deprecating smile. He hadn't even made it half through the garden. So he straightened and walked through the rest of it - it was in need of tending too. Not that it was overgrown, clearly there was work put into it. Just - not for the last... weeks? And when his gaze caught by something shimmering almost silver-y he thought he understood why. He'd found the missing puzzle piece he hadn't even been aware he'd been searching for. There in the secluded corner of the garden stood a pale wooden cross, a name carved into it - Ri Ortego. And underneath it just one word. 'Beloved'. Troy's fingers traced the letters and he couldn't help himself, but he felt like whoever had carved them (*Lee*, who else) must've been shaking. That explained his strange behavior. It was grief. He pulled his hand back as if burned.
*
"You had a wife." Troy hadn't even fully entered the house that those words left his mouth. Lee flinched. It wasn't enough for Troy, so he spoke her name. "Ri, right?"
Lee stood abruptly and stomped into the kitchen. Troy took that to mean he was right - why else would Lee be upset. And it was clear that he was.
"Da~ad!" Apparently he wasn't the only one to get that, Tracy was looking at him disapprovingly, her eyes glinting dangerously. He almost shrugged but then thought better of it. This was not the time to be flip with her. So he just blinked and pressed his lips together. He'd lost a wife too, after all. No need to be so dramatic over it. "You should apologize," he heard his daughter say. The same tone he used when he demanded the same of her. It almost made him smile. Though the prospect of doing *that* didn't let him. It wasn't like he'd *meant* to hurt the other man. He'd just been after answers. But Tracy kept staring at him - and both knew he'd give in, just as he'd had last night. He took every opportunity he had to make his daughter happy, after all. So he sighed and went to the kitchen, carefully opening the door.
"Hey," he whispered, somewhat uncomfortable, not wanting to startle the other man. Lee was sitting at the kitchen table, his back turned towards the door, hunched over. He looked like--- "Uh, that before," Troy started to explain, "listen, I, I didn't--- uhm..." There was no reaction and Troy swallowed. He had expected to get at least something from the other man. "I didn't mean anything by it." He finally settled on as an explanation. *That* had an effect; Lee turned his head slowly towards Troy and Troy was glad to be done speaking because otherwise the next word would've gotten stuck in his throat - the misery in Lee's eye, the devastation on his face felt like it was stopping his heart. It felt *so familiar*.
"I'm sorry." It was the easiest thing to say, suddenly. "*I'm sorry*, Lee."
***
And that is how it will begin. Of course Troy and Tracy will stay in Lee's house. Tracy is doing lots better there than before when they were driving around and though Troy does feel unbalanced by Lee's grief, he still feels alright staying. For Tracy, he's telling himself at first (and let's be honest, seeing the mirror of past him in Lee is difficult - maybe he didn't have enough space to grieve Serena what with having to raise a kid, so it's gonna be bringing things up for him too. But it'll be good for him overall) but he's gonna enjoy it, too. Being here with someone that is supposed to want him dead but very much *doesn't* is doing wonders for his trauma. And over time they're gonna become friends and raise Tracy together. Not sure how/when it'll turn romantic - maybe I'll add to this once I have an idea.
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boykisserwizard · 5 months
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So I'm in therapy for my ADHD and depression/anxiety and my therapist has told me exactly what I see in a lot of posts here, like how happiness is a feeling, not a goal and it's never constant and that if we don't face our fears then we let them control us, but it's never helped me because I already know, but the issue comes when I try and do anything about it. I don't expect everyone to like me or even want everyone to like me, but when there is a near weekly social beatdown because I simply lack the ability to understand social cues, tone of voice or volume control, that leaves me fucked up, and when I try to work on that, it gets to be nearly impossible to ever make any progress, and it never gets better.
Every time someone tells me that I shouldn't expect to be happy all the time and that life just sucks and I need to get used to it it makes me want to put my head through the drywall because I already fucking know that, but clearly it sucks more for me, even if it looks like I'm fine or like I should be happy because the root issue is not material, but psychological, which can't be fixed with a simple "cheer up." The issue has never been me expecting to always be happy, but never being happy. What really makes it suck is that people only see me when I'm having a good time, so maybe in that moment I'm fine, once I'm at home I go into withdrawals from just being normal to the point of suicidal thoughts. I love being with people sometimes and Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgivings and other events like that are almost always a great time *until* the day is done and I lay down at night, because then the good time is over and there's nothing to distract me from the depression which hits hard and all at once right then. What should be me riding the high of having a good time with friends and family is instead me holding myself to my bed to keep myself from either killing myself or finding some substance to dull the pain.
I think what makes the depression so bad is the fact that I don't think I really have anything to be truly depressed about, I'm just depressed because I am. If I had something to actually be this miserable about, at least there's a reason, but I'm just sad about being sad. It just makes me feel like I'm faking it, which only creates a negative spiral of self doubt and self loathing.
So that was all a pretty big downer, and I'll admit that I'm not in a good place, but after all that I feel like I should end on a high note, so here's a few.
I turn 17 in January, which is a checkpoint of sorts for me. On one hand I'm stressed as hell about the fact that I'm almost 17 and about just how much I still have to grow mentally and emotionally in just the next few months because of how early I'm moving out, but on the other hand, holy shit, I'm amazing, I made it, and I get all these opportunities and options. It's a lot and there's a lot of strong and swinging emotions, but as long as I have the friends I have I think I'll make it.
I've also made new friends and cut out cancerous ones, and I've built what I think is a good support group and in general a good friend group.
I got myself out of my high school, which was definitely a toxic and unhealthy environment, and into a dual enrollment program where I do work from home and go to a college class in the evening where I can pretty much just sit in silence. Also since my hyperfixation has been in HVAC, I have been shining in that class.
I know that post went all over the place with little or no cohesion, and if you made it this far you're more dedicated than me, but I honestly needed to put all this out, and doing this has helped in the past.
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clairaworlds · 16 days
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I've been trying to start a "list of characters who'd be emotionally wrecked by Hollow Knight" and so far I have like 3ish, and also a bunch of characters who maybe wouldn't be as wreked but who's theams or history go well with the game.
This is by no means a complete list and I'd LOVE to read more of thease. I mostly connected the characters via theams but I think the game would do a number on a lot of characters, connected or disconnected to the games theams.
Anyways here's the characters:
1.
Hunter: The Owl House.
Reasons: the child pit, the idea of an artifical creation being used as a tool and ultimately failing in its roll, I think the whole "kingdom caught in a war between gods" thing would get to him, not necessarily bc it's super connected to him, but I think the vibes would wreck him. Lost kin/broken vessle would be a 1 hit K.O. I mean it's always a killer, but it'd wreck Hunter, spusifically. (Esoechally when he figures out the plot).
(Luz would also be devastated, but she's already played the game, as evidence by the cameo to hk on her laptop. I headcannon that she's DEREMENED to climb the pantheon but she's very stuck rn. I also think it took her like 3 months to complete the path of pain. It's one of her proudest achievements. Shes the one who suggested it to Hunter)
2.
Shadow the hechog: sonic franchise
Once again, the 'tool created to do a thing who ultimately failed at that thing despite its best efforts' would be a killer. Myla would be a devastating blow. Idk, I just think it'd hit HARD. He's definitely the kind who just HATES the radiance. Like despises her, I think he'd also see PK in a more sympathetic light than some. Deffently a fan of time travle fix its where pk gets to be a good parent. (He also likes the ones where pk gets comedically slapped by the consequences of his actions, but less so) he'll never admit it, but I feel like this game mad him tear up. Lmao
3.
Clu: Tron
Look, hear me out. I know Tron/Rinzler would fit better, but idk, I feel like it'd hit Clu harder. Like the whole consept of a war of gods to controal a kingdom that ultimately ended in disaster. He'd HATE pk, like DESPISES him. Probably sees radi in a more sympathetic light, but he hates her too. Absolutely 100% oblivious to the insanely oblivious parallels between them. (Mind control comes in orange lol) idk I feel like Clu has issues with gods. Tbh I think he'd get more angry at the charecters and situation than sad emotional about it, but I mean that still means the game did a number on him so I counted it.
(Again I'd love to read more of theas so If you have anyone to add, please do so)
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cactusspatz · 2 years
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March recs
All Star Wars again! I did a lot of reading-by-author last month, so for a few I’ve fully-recced my favorite and then listed other reads below. Cheating, I know, but I do what I want! Five recs (+ author bonus recs) above the cut, seven underneath.
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Flotsam and Jetsam by @glimmerglanger (Cody/Obi-Wan)
A creature had not washed out of the sea to garner the hungry attention of the birds. A man lay sprawled across the sands, though he was not, Obi-Wan noted, cold spreading down his arms to his hands and through his guts, quite a man in the way Obi-Wan had grown to expect.
He looked...as expected from perhaps the waist up, though he was face-down in the sand, so it was hard to be sure. His back was broad; he had one arm stretched out across the sand, fingers - webbed fingers - curled loosely, sand sticking to his dark skin.
OR, the merman!Cody with shell-shocked and living-by-the-sea Obi-Wan fic.
I loved this so much I’ve already read it twice! It really struck the perfect balance between ‘make this character suffer’ and ‘make this character competent’ that I crave as a h/c aficionada, on top of being a gorgeous romance and wrenching story about war and trauma and loneliness. I would honestly recommend this to anyone, as it’s quite accessible even if you’re unfamiliar with canon.
also by this author: glimmerglanger has a ton of great work, especially if you like h/c, kink, and AUs (canon and otherwise), and I did plow my way through their entire backlog last month with delight, but some favorites:
(hit me) with your heart - in which Cody accidentally walks in on Obi-Wan and figures out some of his kinks; hilarious, then hot, and then an unique Order 66 fix-it A Treatise on Breaking and Repairs - very good but brutal AU post-ROTS where Vader captures and tortures Obi-Wan using mind-controlled Cody and the 212th, but with plenty of catharsis and comfort to balance the hurt Make Your Bed (Lie in It) - Cody/Obi-Wan bedsharing during the war: pining, hurt/comfort, and then an Order 66 AU (but not full fix-it) For Safekeeping - this is probably not to exeryone's tastes but I'm mildly obsessed with this weirdly sweet Sith AU a/b/o Obi-Wan/Cody/212th gangbang? embrace your id, give it a try Standing Vigil - lovely five-things character study by way of Obi-Wan doing bedside vigils over the years
Dielectric Breakdown by @jessepinwheel (gen)
Cody had always believed the best of his General--strong, steadfast, and loyal. That is, until Obi-Wan suddenly assassinated the Supreme Chancellor and vanished without a trace, leaving the Republic scrambling in the fallout.
Five years later, Cody is still trying to pick up the pieces and understand why Obi-Wan betrayed them all.
Prepare to get emotionally wrecked in all the best ways by this story, which is part casefile as Cody investigates and part gorgeous look at the complicated brotherhood of the clones, and their Jedi. Definitely on the bittersweet side since even with the massive tragedy of canon averted, the war left plenty of smaller ones in its wake, but the ending is hopeful and just right.
also by this author - Parallel Processing (gen), in which Obi-Wan from another universe where he stayed in the Agricorps shows up during the Clone Wars. For a story that’s all about kindness and comfort, the differences between the universes will absolutely gut you with feelings.
Melt by @smilebackwards (Din/Luke)
“You haven’t given him your clan signet,” the Armorer says bluntly when Din visits her. Of course the latest episode in his faltering courtship has reached her ears. “Anyone is free to make an offer until a signet is given and accepted.”
“I know,” Din says.
The sequel to Thaw (by @andthepeople) that I 10000% needed in my life! If you have not read Thaw, first PLEASE go treat yourself to that AU where Vader captured Luke after their Cloud City duel, and THEN read this gorgeous followup where Luke has space to heal, rescue Han, and get the best proposal from Din that you could possibly want. <3333
also by this author: first choice, AU series in which the clones get to choose their Jedi generals at the start of the war. SO charming.
The Longest Distance by SpaceWall (Cody/Obi-Wan)
A series of strange dreams lead Cody to question everything he thinks he knows about his past, his present, and his future. Trusting in himself, and those around him, may be the hardest part.
Fix-it by way of Cody getting prophetic dreams! Really good and unique, with the dreams serving as mini-AUs along the way. I loved the friendship that develops between Cody and Anakin in this, which surprised me in the best way.
also by this author: Lost and Found (Cody/Obi-Wan + various), a fun soulmate AU where objects that one soulmate loses show up in the vicinity of the other. This plays out in particularly interesting ways with the clones.
Spring in Hell (and everything's blooming) by blackkat / @blackkatmagic   (Rex/Jon)
Jon Antilles has spent most of the war keeping his head down and staying out of the fighting. But when he and Fay find evidence of a new bioweapon going to production on a Separatist planet, they move to destroy it rather than let it be deployed against the clone armies. Dooku's presence is an unexpected complication, and rather than break cover, Jon lets himself be captured and thrown in the Count's personal dungeon.
He's not the only one there, however. Rex and his men have also been captured, and they're not about to trust a stranger in their midst. Jon has to pick between keeping out of the war the way he has been or rescuing the clones, blowing his cover and losing the freedom he's fought so hard for.
All I know about Jon Antilles comes from Wookiepedia - apparently he was in like one comic? yeah - but this author latched onto him as their h/c darling and I support them because he’s excellent in that capacity and my favorite kind of competent disaster. This particular story is a well-tuned slow burn of trust and care between prisoners as they try to make it through with bodies and souls and family intact.
Fallen Legends by GreySilhouette (gen) - fascinating AU taking off from The Wrong Jedi arc, where Anakin doesn't find Ventress and Obi-Wan ends up breaking Ahsoka out to prevent her execution. A bit open-ended since the author planned a sequel that never happened, but very enjoyable fugitive action-adventure regardless.
Tell Me No Tales by seastruck (Cody/Obi-Wan) - I rarely recommend WIPs, and this one is likely abandoned, but what exists is SO GOOD and ends at a decent point. After his chip breaks, Cody becomes an inside man for the Rebellion, and as he navigates those pitfalls, you slowly discover that this universe is an AU in some really interesting ways. Nails the emotions and action and spy intrigues with equal deftness.
in our hearts some ancient song by whimsicalimages (Cody/Obi-Wan) - in which Fives gets to Cody instead of Anakin, and is listened to. Great plotty fix-it.
Suffer My Devotion by galateaGalvanized (Cody/Obi-Wan) - in which Obi-Wan hiding on Tatooine gets propositioned by a succubus in Cody’s form, and accepts. There’s no dubcon-y deception, just lots of heartbreak and hotness, and eventually some happiness.
The Garden by Zarz (gen) - this story hinges on one hell of a plot device, but follows through on the consequences beautifully and intelligently as the clones all become force sensitive.
walk by faith/tell no one what you've seen by Killbothtwins (gen) - very enjoyable time travel fix-it with Obi-Wan returning to his padawan days. Kind of a fun YA feel, with optimism and adventure and some big splashy battles.
I've Served My Time In Hell by TheSleepingOne (Cody/Obi-Wan) - zombie AU! Loved the dystopia (humans are always a worse danger than the zombies), the pining, and the translation of the Jedi into a modern setting. Don’t bother with the sequel, it’s unfinished and I wasn’t particularly interested by the direction of the plot tbh.
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retrojem · 3 months
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a lil ...whatever this is ♡
2023 was a rough year for me personally and mentally. It didn't start off great either - an event basically took a toll on my mental health the whole year. Not only that, my family situation got a little wild in big ways I wasn't expecting. But, when I started to interact with this community more, it made me happy. My BEST decision of the year was joining. The self shipping community has given me new friends and mutuals. I've only been met with kind words, overwhelming positivity, and the sweetest people imaginable.
I got hit with art blocks and creative burnout too. And, I'm still struggling with that, but self shipping definitely helped and pushed me to express myself. It's hard for me to open up emotionally and be 100% vulnerable. There is no way to explain this without babbling on and on: self shipping made me come to terms with accepting A LOT about myself, loving myself, forgiving myself, and freeing myself.
I'm not very comfortable talking about super personal stuff on this blog. I want it to be a positive space for myself. Needless to say, the last few months have been especially hard. I hit multiple breaking points and I reached the end of my rope, enough was enough. I'm still working on getting the proper help I need for it. It's been slow and it's given me lots of anxiety just thinking about where it's going to go - it all boils down to what I decide to do and that's scary. I hope it leads me somewhere good. My m.eds have been kicking my butt the last few weeks, so my energy and behavior have been up and down. Btw, i.nsomnia sucks!! Now, I know how Mik.e feels 😂 (btw thank gosh for v.itamin D gummies IMMA RIGHT LADIES?!?!?)
Thank you is all I want to really say. Thank you so much for SUPPORTING me and joining me on my journey. I love you guys soooo soooo much - on to the next chapter!
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golbrocklovely · 1 month
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angelica, may i pick your brain?
this is a weird question for me to ask so allow me to present some context. i really loved your analysis of the boys the other day, and i know its just your opinion and you’re not trying to push it as facts or anything…
buuut i have to ask you what your interpretation is of colby with his dad. bc after reading abt sam, I thought it was odd that its almost the opposite for colby. whenever he mentions his dad (and i know these are definitely jokes and not to he taken as serious comments) its things like “i wish my dad loved me” “my dad hit me as a child” and then he once said something pretty gross abt his dad ‘touching’ him. Again, I know these are jokes and are not serious comments at all. But it got me thinking…
Bc he’s a mama’s boy through and through. So I wondered if there was any discussion about his relationship with his dad.
And, again, such a weird question. It really pushes passed the boundaries of whats acceptable to discuss about strangers but here we are lol
- aussie anon
i'll be honest with you, i haven't heard colby say that about his dad but…… i have heard some other things.
usually, colby ends up mentioning his dad any time he does anything "girlie", and then his usual response is "sorry dad".
my theory about him and his father's relationship is that his dad was the typical emotionally unavailble/macho-esque father. he wanted a son that was gonna play sports and do manly things, and respectfully to colby, that's not how he turned out. colby was an emotional kid who did theater bc his mom asked him to and bc he could sing. i mean... the devil is in the details.
and i think colby relied on his mother for emotional support, which is why he holds dearly to their relationship and his dad is like barely mentioned.
i feel like him and his father know nearly nothing about each other, but that's by design. just a weird boomer dad unable to connect to his "new age" son lol
i think a prime example of something being a little off at home was one time colby was asked why he hadn't painted his nails in a long time after months and months of painting them (this was back in 2019ish) and colby's response was "oh i was going home for the holidays and i didn't want to have my nails painted, but i should paint them again" and it's like……. at this point in time he's a 23ish year old man. he's not a child living under his parents roof. it's odd that he didn't want to have his nails painted.
granted, that could be bc of conservative family members and whatnot, but again… i feel like it has a lot to do with his dad.
i think just comparing the two, sam talks like the sun comes out of his father's ass while colby rarely mentions the man at all. so…… there's something there. i don't like talking about it publicly just bc that's his shit to deal with (if true) but also it's kinda hard to not notice.
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