#so. maybe the fact that peace and freedom existed at the same time in one being was what ultimately summoned the empty

[quasitsqueeries]

Space Marines are not your friend Part II

I keep thinking about this, and apparently a lot of other people keep thinking about this, because the conversation keeps happening. I think I didn't get it quite right the first time round, which is normal and we should embrace being wrong and changing our minds with new information.

So, sometimes you say the Imperium is Fascist and you learn form some dude online that actually they're a dictatorial theocracy or something. This is called splitting hairs but I think there's potential here for a more interesting conversation. It may come as a surprise but Warhammer 40,000, a game about spending whole Sunday afternoons moving little toy soldiers and tanks around on your dining room table with lore written by a whole bunch of different nerds over the last 35 years doesn't have a coherent political narrative.

We're not going to get the answers we're looking for by going over every bit of lore with a fine-toothed comb. Also please don't ask me to do that, some of the writing is really terrible. I've talked before in, I guess, Part I about how Warhammer 40,000 draws on the aesthetics of Fascism and I think this is what's really important. It really doesn't matter if the Imperium fulfils all of Umberto Eco's characteristics of Fascism or if you can find some other political ideology that you think fits better. The fact is that Warhammer 40,000 is a piece of largely visual media that draws on the imagery of Fascism, the same way it draws on the imagery of Feudalism and the Catholic and Orthodox churches.

There's a lot of talk lately about how people like Rick Priestly and Brian Ansell (may he rest in peace) and Richard Haliwell weren't really trying to make statements with their games but just wanted to sell miniatures, and they borrowed liberally from things like 2000AD because it was cool. I think that in itself says something about the game's ideology. It was developed and written in the context of Thatcherite Britain and I wonder if in that context there was an idea that it wasn't necessary to have the thing make political sense (and maybe that's naïve in hindsight, idk?). I don't know for sure but I wonder if 40K comes out of a time when you could be like "hey these cops are Fascists" and wouldn't need to expand on that. People would just get that you were painting in braod strokes and wouldn't demand that you prove that their brutality wasn't justified. I think it's fair to say the writers didn't foresee how big their game would get, or its popularity among military bros, or the rise of Fascism in the Anglosphere in the 2010s.

So, what do we do with this? I think it's important to recognise two things. Firstly, the Imperium isn't just a Fascist state. It's also a Theocracy, and Feudal. More than one of these things can be true. But secondly, we tend to assume our political concepts are universal and timeless. They're not. Here's an interview where Corey Robin situates the Left and Right historically for Adam Conover:

The point being that the Right isn't just authoritarian, it's a movement to reestablish the power of ruling classes in response to modern Democratic movements. Similarly, Fascism is a distinctly modern concept. It's an attempt to return to the idea, as identified by Robin above, that certain people should rule over everyone else, and it's a reaction against a move towards Democracy and people having freedom from authority.

So, political systems are historically constituted, I think it's fair to say that 38,000 years in the future our politics will be unrecognisable to us now. So like, does Fascism exist 38,000 years in the future, would it even be possible when you're trying to govern a billion worlds, is it "necessary" when state control of humanity is total, and Democracy, Socialism and Trade Unionism aren't even distant memories? Maybe the answer is it doesn't matter. I don't find that terribly satisfying.

The Imperium's political system isn't not Fascism. Rather, the writers of Warhammer 40,000 depicted a political system that's a sort of aggregate of political systems that are recognisable to a modern audience (and particularly pertinent to an audience living in Thatcherite Britain), and Fascism plays a major role in that aggregate.

So the upshot is, if you want to call it Fascism, you are correct, and if someone calls it Fascism and you want to say actually it's this extremely specific political thing you've just come up with to disprove them, consider shutting up.

#warhammer 40000 #warhammer 40k #space marines #adeptus astartes #games workshop #Youtube

[hey-name-arya]

Okk so just random thoughts i had while i was repeatedly listening to empire now by hozier i am not sure if anyone will read this but will still add hastags in hope of finding people who i can maybe talk with

The lyrics go so well with the current situation of the world i mean i know it was written about the irish independence but the lyrics resonate to me so much about palastine and the current situation of manipur and kashmir and every place going through oppression around the world i was hoping for some edits for palstine to pop up on this song but sadly saw none and not only plastine it goes so well with the stories of so many places taking in the example the native americans or may it be the british colonisation in india the song was written for the hearts of all the people who at one point of time saw what it was like to not have what was their's.

Some of my thoughts with these lyrics

The lyrics

"Sun coming up on a dream come 'round

One hundred years from the empire now"

Made me think how the current comforts i have and live with right now, the peace and freedom that i can enjoy was something my ancestors fought for it was a dream for them which let me have it their struggle in the past has brought the privilege i have in the present and now the same comforts i am enjoying is a dream for the people in palestine fighting for their land, it is a dream for the people i manipur of my very own country whose people are bleeding it is a dream for the people of ladakh who are losing their land to industrial plants while i sit here writing all these are people bleeding, straving, fighting, struggelling to keep what is THEIR'S.

Rightfully so.

"Darling, I wouldn't sell the world

The way that things are turning

If it falls

I would hold on for all it's worth"

These lines remind of how in the past my ancestors found the land that was exploited, that the land they were refused to have freedom on was deemed unusable that the west had deemed backward, the land the west had pride on occupying, and still found for it cause it

WAS THEIR LAND

It made me think of all the people who are making sure to keep records of the truth of what is happening in the world like bisan, before oct 7th i never knew who she was now i check for her updates just to know she is alive to know what is going on in gaza and always hoping for some positive news to come the fact that i was blind to all this before 7th oct it took soo long for people to realise what is happening there makes me sad. It makes me mad at myself for not having learnt all this before. It made me think of sonam wangchuk who has been restlessly posting and fighting for the people of ladakh for their demands to be heard for them to get what they require and deserve.

"The future's so bright it's burning"

I took this one line separately cause when i hear this one particular line unlike the others i can't make a connection to the past i only connect with my worry for what the future has in hold, is mother naturw going to surivive that long will we humans kill each other till no one is there to exist just cause me hate each other and keep finding differences among ourself even though at the end of the day we are all human i don't know i feel like we are just killing our future not letting it to stay and we will be the reason our earth will end.

"Martyrs of our revolution

Their spinning caused the earth to shake"

Today even after years have passed from our freedom struggle we remember the names of the brave hearts that fought for our country that gave their blood sweat and tears in hopes of seeing a freeland there are so many people who were involved in the struggle and their names have become immortal even after them passing away

In the same manner the names of the people who are now struggling for freeing palestine will become immortal in the future while it may seem like there is no impact from them the content they have put up and are continuing to put up is the record of history and what the future generations will be learning about cause they are the true heros

Bisan

Motaz azaiza

Plestia alaquad

Saleh jafarawani

And many more names are the ones keeping palestine alive right now for the very existence of the palestine people is making the earth shake cause for them existence is resistance.

In the same manner sonam wangchuk is keeping ladakh alive, who is letting us know how the people are and what they are doing putting forward peoples demands and educating people about it this man is not only a person but is an educational reformed and teacher to us and hope for the people his name should be one that should remain in history.

"The problem brought its own solution

They power now the world we've made"

It has happened in the past the one who colonised thought they were doing a favor by solving the problems of the people who were captive when really them leaving would have been the greatest gift and it's happening in the present with isreal acting as if they are the one that actually own the land they don't and influctung suffering on the indigenous palestine people as if they have any damn right to do so they don't they never had they never will they are the problem and they cannot play the victim.

"Sun coming up on a world that's easy now"

The sun is shining on us all who are now comfortably sitting in our homes enjoying the freedom we have my ancestors dreamed of this world for their future generations, today i am the future generation who is living it in the same way the people of palestine and people of ladakh and the people of manipur are going through the struggle so that some day in the future the sun will shine for the same comforts i am living in

I really wanted to write a bit more about manipur but from what i have researched i only know the conflict has not ended but other then that i have no information while i was only able to write about what i know i want to dedicate this to all the people who are suffering and i pray for a peacful world.

#hozier #empire now #gaza #free palestine #i stand with palestine #sudan #congo #congo genocide #free gaza #palestine #rafah #gaza strip #ladakh #sonam wangchuk

[scouttf2isnamedafterjerma]

Hand over the ultrakill talk NOW put it in the bag 👜

(copy pasted from my replies to my main post) ultrakill is a tragedy, viewed through the eyes of an ancillary antagonist. gabriel is the hero of the story, with the council of heaven being the primary antagonists. we're just the guy who makes gabriel realise he's been played for a fool and made to act against his morals by the council.

but at the same time, despite being antagonistic and participating in the slaughter of all of humanity's undead souls, we're not evil. none of the robots are evil. they're scared. humanity built massive fleets of sentient war robots, powered by the blood of their enemies, and then just before deploying them they found out hell is real and declared world peace. all well and good for the humans, but now the robots have been given a death sentence. and the robots, being sentient, don't want to die. so they take blood the only way they know how, the way they were built to. they're tragic figures. they want nothing more than to live, but to live they must end the lives of so, so many others. the robots also represent entropy and the fact that in the grand scheme of things nothing matters (as elaborated on during the dating sim level). they cannot be stopped, they cannot be reasoned with, and they will destroy all of hell sooner rather than later. and then they too will die, victims to the same entropy they enact. but does that mean everyone (angelic, demonic, robotic, or human alike) should just curl up and die? no! even in times like these, people find meaning in their lives. the mindflayers find meaning in themselves and their body, crafting a perfect body and defending it at all costs. the ferryman finds meaning in slowly draining the river styx, even knowing he'll never be able to get even a fraction of the souls out of it. V2 finds meaning in his rivalry with V1, finally having a reason behind his violence. gabriel finds meaning in doing what he thinks is right for the first time in his life, and he feels more alive as a free man than he ever did as a slave to the council (despite being doomed to die after only one day of freedom). and V1? V1 finds joy in just existing (even if "just existing" for a military robot means enacting hyperviolence 24/7).

while you could argue the rest of the machines are just going on instinct, V1 and V2 can definitely think and feel. V1 understands that hell won't be full forever. he knows he has maybe a week more to live, but he doesn't let it get to him. he revels in the joy of doing what he was built for, letting the adrenaline and blood wash over him, doing what he was built to love and doing it incredibly well.

this is some really good ludonarrative harmony, because the player feels the same way while playing. ULTRAKILL is a boomer shooter, the whole point is to be full of joy and adrenaline and all of that while enacting hella violence. we feel the exact same joy as V1.

this is the main duality of ultrakill. it's a tragedy about the worlds of heaven and hell falling apart and the few people left in them clinging to what little they have left, the whole sad affair both inevitable and easily avoidable. it's also an almost joyful declaration that even knowing life has no meaning you can make your own meaning and find your own happiness.

it also has buttplug support.

#ultrakill

[suinotsuki]

In Moments

A/N: Hi! I'm continuing with uploading my fanfics and headcanons over here on Tumblr from my AO3 and Twitter!

This fanfic was written before the anime came out and may contain spoilers for anime-only people and for those who haven't reached Scandal Arc yet! I only had the time to finish this after episode 3 came out.

Fanfic Links: AO3

Other Links: Oshi No Ko Masterlist

But he's tired. A lot of things have happened in the past week, and he still has to deal with more when he comes home. (Alternately, in which we see Aqua's thoughts until he reaches a breaking point that changes the future) (Canon divergence for chapter 105)

"Just one scandal can be a mortal wound for an idol."

He was well aware of that fact already.

Ai,  his mother in this life,  was living proof of that. And even now, he could easily recall her body growing colder by the minute as he sat beside her, feeling terribly useless for someone who was a  doctor in his past life. To say he is haunted by the memory of it was an understatement. A myriad of emotions revolving around that incident was present that Aqua couldn't easily come to terms with. He didn't feel the need to resolve these emotions even if he wished to achieve a happy ending for himself that he knew he did not deserve. He'd prefer to use it as fuel to the fire and never look back.

And trying to go back to the way it was before was nothing but a far-fetched dream.

Or Aqua thinks it should unmistakenly be.

But, a shining and honest existence from the days of being with Ai decides otherwise.

Kana Arima, the girl he met the first time he acted, brought so many things back up to the surface that he lost on that day. Her refreshingly sharp words allowed him to relax and put his guard down in more ways than others could have done. Somehow, it was the needed reality check in this world full of lies. The way she brightly shined when she was under the spotlight brought the feeling of how the warmth of the sun seeped into his skin on a peaceful day. And right at that moment, the Aqua of the past and present did not matter. He was just Aqua.

In the end, he found himself allowing his gaze to linger on her to find peace when he needed a break. After all, it wasn't like he was going to stop with his plans.

"I'm sorry, but he's already dead."

But what if there was no need for revenge, and the opportunity to finally allow himself to be happy presented itself?

"Aqua, you think it's time to break up with me."

Maybe, it was time to end the lies.

"Isn't that fine? The freedom to love is a fundamental human right."

Maybe, he could finally entertain the thought of a normal life with the person who allowed Gorou and Aqua to co-exist.

"Do you think Kana-chan will do well as an idol?"

"Then, you can no longer go on dates like that."

"Just one scandal can be a mortal wound for an idol."

He was aware of that fact already. But, for a moment, he ignored the obvious in favor of his selfishness to achieve happiness with Kana. And until now, whenever he remembers Ai, Aqua realizes he couldn't subject Kana to the same fate as his mother. So, no matter how it hurts both parties, he has to protect her by keeping his distance.

In the end, there was still another route he could take.

Living a half-truth won't be too bad. Maybe changing directions is what Gorou and Aqua really needed. If he makes enough effort, one day, the lies will become the truth. What could he possibly lose from pursuing Akane? For sure, the future on that side has a better fate than being with Kana, right? It should be because he is betting on time to make things better.

After all, everything is falling into place.

"How could a dead person know her address? It's chronologically impossible."

But, of course, everything was nothing but an illusion he willingly placed himself after from the desire to be free. It wasn't over.  It never was.

"Did I do something that makes you hate me that much?"

"You took a wrong turn, Aqua-kun."

The routes toward a happy ending were all blocked. Revenge without getting the people he cherishes involved was impossible. There wasn't any going back anymore.

Revenge was the only road he had a choice of taking alone.

---------------

"I'm sure Kana-chan became an idol for you."

Then, what was he supposed to do?

"She became an idol because you wished for it."

Stop...

"You brought her into this world, you know?"

He knew that pretty well. He was well aware of that fact. He doesn't need to hear that, especially when his mind was made up that he would only plunge further into this dark path of revenge.

"Please face her... even just a little."

He doesn't deserve her straight gaze. He decided to descend to hell. Aqua couldn't go back on his initial plans. In the first place, she shouldn't have anything to do with him anymore. It was best to stay clear of her and for him to focus on his goal.

He needs to have his revenge. He had so many things to do. He still needs to protect Ruby and make sure he covers her eyes from the things she hasn't found out yet.

He  needs  to focus.

"This is bad," Aqua heard Miyako say, snapping him out of his trance. "I still haven't seen her around yet."

"What's wrong?" He asked while all at the same time peeking at Miyako's open laptop. The words that caught his eye made his heart stop. It  felt  like a bucket of cold water was suddenly splashed onto him.

And looking at him was Miyako with a grim expression.

---------------

Aqua was now at a crossroads.

Earlier, he felt one of his fears unraveling in front of him - the one that he accidentally spilled out to Mem-cho that one night she cornered him. If he didn't notice Miyako's expression, he wouldn't be able to calm down. He would have almost forgotten what Arima Kana is made out of.

The issue hangs in the air, and the situation hasn't changed. While Aqua wants to leave the rest to adults, a part of him can't. But he promised to stay away from her. At the same time, he wanted to protect her.

So, he makes a decision.

He sits down with Ruby.

Aqua tells Ruby his grand scheme to save Kana, and he watches Ruby's eyes burn with rage at hearing his plan to reveal  their secret . Maybe, he wasn't stable enough. It could be desperation. It could be fear that they barely have enough time.

But he ends up spilling everything he kept a secret.

It was odd timing to reveal everything to Ruby given the time constraint. Those ruby-colored eyes filled with anger grew dimmer and dimmer with confusion. Somehow, it broke his heart, not knowing what to do for her.

The clock is ticking. Aqua rises up from his seat.

"I have to go. Let's talk about it again when I get back."

He leaves the house with Ruby sitting down in shock while trying to process all the information he dumped on her.

---------------

Aqua has done it.

Soon, the secret will be out. Aqua only has to wait for the Weekly Entertainment True Story's release date. A part of him rejoices, knowing this new path can lead to a better plan for revenge.

But he's tired.

A lot of things have happened in the past week, and he still has to deal with more when he comes home. He left Ruby hanging as he rushed towards the meeting place with the reporter. There's still so much left to do after that even.

He only wants to rest .

Kana's bright smile flashed in his mind out of nowhere, and the sudden thought of basking around the sun's warm presence made his tired mind let go of all the thinking. Even Goro and little Aqua's voices were drowned.

It wasn't long before his knees gave out on him, and a choked sob escaped his lips. The hand that was holding onto their house's doorknob released its hold to bring itself to his mouth in an attempt to stop himself from making any noise. The tears started to flow, and he could only shut his blue eyes closed as emotions rushed through his body.

He was so, so tired.

And, in those moments of vulnerability, he just wanted to see the brightest star that he protected.

#oshi no ko fanfic #oshi no ko #hoshino aqua #hoshino aquamarine #kana arima #aqua x kana #aqukana #manga spoilers #canon divergence #aqua suffering

[chaoslulled]

@pontevoix : hc + laughter for reiner !

it doesn't come quick or often. laughter feels more like a poison in his lungs, like some forbidden fruit that he shouldn't taste. all he deserves to taste is ash and blood, the regret on his tongue for his failures that have cost him everything. that have cost his nation everything. he shouldn't be able to smile or feel a moment of bliss, a moment of peace –– not when they're still suffering on paradis. not when it feels like his head is going to explode at night as the memories swiftly attack him, biting down on his tongue until he chokes on it all. no, he's done this to himself –– how dare he even think of laughter? of something fun, something that isn't all encompassing until it puts pressure on his chest and breaks his ribs, grabs his heart and tears it from his chest?

it was easier on the island, losing himself to the persona he created to deal with it all. to deal with the fact that he belonged, that they looked at him like they could worship at his alter, like he was a big brother, willing to pull them all close and save them from their own damnation. like he was a mighty titan slayer with a soothsayer's tongue. like next to mikasa and levi, he could be humanity's hope. but he was never any of it, was he? he was just a wolf in sheeps clothing, smiling with teeth bared and they never seen the threat until it was too late. until he unraveled the threads himself. until he bared his neck and dared them to take a bite, to feel the same electricity that licked up his spine every time he bled.

but it's easier there when he's playing pretend, when he's smiling and laughing and just being a teenager without the responsibility of the world on his shoulder. is easier when he's smiling at sasha and stealing food with her. is easier when he's flying through the trees without gravity to hinder him, the gear hissing around his body and freedom on his face as he turns it toward the sun. he's forgotten who he is in those moments –– a childhood that was never granted to him. a child that only existed to bring two parents together, one who wanted nothing to do with him. because being part eldian and part marleyean is a sin within itself. and reiner has always been their sins, hasn't he? but on the island he isn't that boy. he's whoever he wants to be.

after bertolt though, things change. it feels like the pain is too much to bear. it bites down on him and makes him feel like he's pulling apart at the seams. bertolt had protected him, ensured that he wouldn't die in the explosion, and what had he repaid him with? absolutely nothing. zeke and pieck had allowed him death, and reiner is still here, is still getting off that ship in marley, and it's not even the welcome home that he's so desperate for. no, the laughter doesn't come for months after his meetings with the brass. there's nothing holding him together, not really. there's that nagging sense in his chest that he shouldn't have survived. that it was only jean who made sure that he had. maybe he'd be better off if hange had slit his throat that day.

even being around gabi doesn't do much. she looks at him like he's some sort of hero to be worshiped, and it's not like on the island. no, she looks at him like that because she knows that he is inheritance, that the titan will go to her. and then she'll see all her dreams of him being a hero shattered and he knows it. he smiles at her and the other candidates, gives some small laughs in meetings, but it's not the same. no, it's not the full on laughter until his eyes water that he once had when surrounded by a fire and a mouse ran over ymir's shoe, sending krista screeching and leaping up into the trees. it's not the same laughter that is internal as he watches annie toy with eren, watches the way the boy looks like he's crawling out of his skin.

no, it's the kind of laughter that is for others. it hollows him out further inside, makes the darkened circles under his eyes grow. it's not paradise here in marley, and he misses the island every day. he misses the friends. he misses feeling alive and for a purpose. there's a twist in his stomach and an ache in his chest, and some days he doesn't even want to get out of his childhood bed that's much too small for him. he longs for the bunks of the barracks and the feeling of belonging.

actual laughter doesn't come until long after the rumbling, when the weight of the world is no longer on his shoulders. when he looks at gabi and falco growing, when he looks at jean and levi and sees a future there. when he looks at marley being rebuilt and realizes that it can be something better, something new, something beautiful that's not built on the hell that it once was. even then though, it takes him by surprise when he finds laughter, when it rolls through his chest easily until he's crying, until he's curled in a ball with his arms around his waist and feeling joy.

joy that he doesn't have to feel guilty for.

#cc. ❝ reiner braun ⧽ ❪ headcanons ❫

[wildissylupus]

The real big reasons Old Overwatch Fell: The Public idolized them to much, and mission creep.

The orignal team did the impossible and help save the world in the Crisis. This saw the problem of them being practically deified, overstating their abilities, and put Overwatch in charge of peacekeeping in the aftermath. Not a bad idea at the start of it, but after the war, the allowance given to Overwatch… faded.

Overwatch didn't work well with all the red tape and both Gabe and Jack were maybe not suited for staff roles, not allow the same freedom, and latitude in the first war. Overwatch was built to be the Avengers, not CnC GDI, but everyone excepted them to deliver the same godlike results as before as a peacekeeping force.

And when they couldn't simply because enhanced or not, they were ultimately human? People turned on them, especially if those actually behind the failings of the world stirred the pot to cover their own backs.

Blackwatch, something that was probably approved by some of the very higher ups in the UN, that would later try to tear down Overwatch, gave people a very easy target even though Overwatch needed some sort of black ops unit if only to gather information and deal with sensitive missions that shouldn't be public. Mission creep set up a lot of groundwork for OW's fall because it meant that they were trying to be the Leviathan Force AND the Department of Everything Else at the same time

This is why I say that if Overwatch is to continue being a faction after the defeat of Talon and Null Sector it should stay a vigilante organisation, not being tied down by governments or the UN. Not only because it would allow the members of OW to actually stay and make sure things are ok with the people they help, but also because it gives members the freedom to step away from missions when they want to. They wouldn't be in charge of so much because of the fact that the organisation is so small now.

There is also the fact that with people like Cassidy working in public now I think it would be harder to deify them. You can't ignore the stuff some of the characters have done, the mistakes they made. Even if they were because of the fact that this new OW is working outside the law, it wouldn't really matter what the publics opinion of them was, they just want to do what's right.

I've also been on record criticising the OW universes UN, because they're a bunch of idiots. Both back then and in present time. Giving the soul responsibility of peacekeeping to an organisation that was not made for peacekeeping, not only that but handing control over to one individual, is idiotic at best.

Not only that but the UN refuses to actually take responsibility for anything they failed to do. With Overwatch gone the UN has the responsibility of trying to make peace between Humans and Omnics. Which they have obviously failed to do, and when Null Sector, a direct consequence of their own stupidity, come to bite them in the ass.

What do they do?

Nothing.

They do nothing and they threaten the group of people actually doing something;

Not only that but you are right, the UN must have known about Blackwatch's existence, it was a mandatory addition to Overwatch and Gabriel was assigned the position of Blackwatch commander. Blackwatch actively had bases built that were separate form Overwatch. They would have needed approval for that.

I think everyone forgot that Overwatch were human and not these god like saviours. It's why out of all the old guard Reinhardt is the only one to answer the recall, the only one to keep fighting. It didn't help that a lot of the old guard where also isolated save for a few exceptions like Cassidy, Angela and Sojourn. Overwatch became too big, too fast and was given too many responsibilities. Yes, it worked well for awhile but the foundation already had cracks.

All it took was for one big swing from Talon and the whole thing crumbled down.

#overwatch #overwatch 2 #overwatch lore #overwatch headcanons #analysis

[viilpstick]

The sound of Pandora's heels clicking echoed through the halls. Stopping before the large entrance to a room, she pushed the wooden doors open.

In the centre, set upon a marble pedestal was her scale. Taking careful steps, she walked over to it. Upon closer inspection, the scale appeared deflected from its equilibrium towards the right. At that realization, Pandora's brows simply furrowed.

The "purpose" of the scale was ensuring Pandora remained fit for her duty but she knew better. The Seraphims never liked the idea of defiance and once met with it, she was their solution to the problem. For the most part, they didnt care what she did and she valued that freedom but once something happened that didn't even remotely fit their tastes, they would be quick to put her on a leash once more. After all, she really wasn't any different from a mere tool.

Lost in her train of thought, Pandora had failed to realize she had company. She hadnt noticed them, not until they gasped. Pandora turned to them quickly, her face now appearing more troubled than necessary.

If the angel reported back to the Seraphims, there was no possible way of it ending out well for her. So when they turn to exit the room, her body acted upon impulse.

.

.

Staring at the scene in utter horror, Pandora took shaky steps back from the corpse at her feet. Her sword slipped out of her trembling fingers as the blade clanked against the floor. Her dress was dyed crimson as blood pooled around the body. Peering back at the scale, this time the left plate far outweighed the right one.

Looking back at the dead body infront of her, she couldnt help but feel disgusting. Less of the fact that she killed someone and more of her selfish ness. Infact taking someone's life was something she had done more often than she'd like to admit but it was always justified by law. This time however, even with the motionless remains of a fellow angel lying infront of her the thing she worried about was herself. This would surely not remain unknown by the Seraphims and she feared the punishment she'd face. The scale was the least of her problems now.

.

.

"To play God by taking someone's life like that, you have some nerve."

The judge being brought accountable by the laws she upheld, *the pure irony.* Pandora would have laughed at the situation had it not been against her.

She could only stare at the Seraphims as they discussed what should be done regarding the circumstances. A certain empty spot, however, didn't remain unnoticed by Pandora. *Ofcourse Xion wasn't present.* The verdict against her would have been entirely different if he had been here.

"Your awfully quiet for someone who is about to get penalized. You don't plan on defending your case?"

"I see no reason to. Even if i chose to justify my actions, the result would remain the same. Infact, some could consider this as an act of resistant and that will do nothing but worsen my fate. "

"*Smart*. But moving on, destroying *it* seems far too merciful. As Seraphims, it is our duty to ensure peace and order. Ending *it* hardly seems fair since *it* doesn't feel the way we do it. Besides, justice must be served. "

With the constant emphasis on "it", Pandora didn't even need to look at the Seraphim to know who she has been talking to. Aine always seemed much more agitated by her existence than the others. Maybe the reason was her rocky relations with Xion.

"Well, what alternative do you suggest then? "

*"Explusion, ofcourse."*

Pandora couldn't help the fact that her body tensed at that. Death was a more welcomed fate. A quick end she would rather come imto terms with than be casted out, unable to fulfill her purpose.

Her face morphed into panic once Seraphims more seemed on board with that idea.

Surely this wasn't going to her fate, right? It couldnt be.

.

.

Pandora could feel each individual tissue beeing ripped apart, the tendons beings torn as the sound of the bones cracking filled her ears. On top of that, the blood trickling down her back naturally made this worse as her form began cracking.

Her wings lay infront of her, piled over one another. The pure white color of them now stained by her blood. A sign of her now being an outcast. How pathetic.

.

.

She wasnt sure who long it had been since she was banished. It could very well have been days or a mere hour. She couldnt perceive time in her dimension all that well after all. Her train of thought, however, was interrupted by the sound of faint footsteps. She was certain who they belonged to since no one but that person had free access to this space like she does.

"Apologies for the delay, my dear. The other Seraphims seemed keen on keeping me blissfully unaware who what occurred. "

Sure enough when she turned to look back, Xion was standing a few feet away from her.

"It's quite alright. The peace and quiet was a nice change. "

"Glad to here it but I'm afraid it won't last long. After all, we have to get you your place in heaven back. "

Pandora was stunned for a fraction of a second before curiously peering back at Xion.

"... You think thats possible? "

"You underestimate my influence, my dear. I can pull a fair share of strings to ensure that it happens. The Seraphims are far more predictable and easy to manipulate than you think. "

"I see...but why did you come here? "

Circling her form, Xion simply hummed in response. Coming to a halt behind her, his fingers traced the remaining part of her wings. His hamd wraped around the bone, twisting it and yanking it out.

"You know you can warn me next time? "

"I could but i wont."

With that Xion threw the bones aside, and began walking away. But just before he left, he stopped.

"Oh and before i forget. Be a good girl for me and make sure this doesnt happen again, will you? I hate errors in the system."

With that Xion disappeared. It was a few seconds after that did Pandora understand the meanibg behind his words, smiling to herself at the realization.

"But ofcourse."

.

.

"How long do you intend on following me, Pandora?"

"As long as i please, Aine. Though for someone like you i am suprised it took you this long to become aware of my presence. "

"Yea whatever. "

With that, Aine looked back at Pandora, the irritation evident in her eyes.

"I see your wings have grown back."

"They are more beautiful than the last, dont you agree? "

Aine could only grow more frustrated at the interaction.

"You know, just because the others let you back in doesnt mean you're forgiven. "

"Not in yours eyes atleast. Not that it matters to me. Im not answerable for my actions to you. "

"I think you're forgetting my rank is higher than yours so you very much are. "

"Not anymore. "

Before Aine could question the meaning of those words, she noticed the swords in Pandora's hand. One undoubtedly Xions. The metal plates of the blade seperated taking on a much more flexible form.

Aine could only take a careful step back before the weapon wraped itself around her body.

"What is the meaning of this?!"

"You see Aine, im simply carrying out my duty and removing the cause of the lapse in my case. Besides, you said it yourself that as a seraphim it is your duty to ensure peace and order is maintained in heaven."

With that pandora, pulled her arm back, bringing Aine closer as she pierced her body wiyh her own sword.

"So in a way im helping you carry out your job as well. You understand, dont you?"

i am actually speechless

like omg

i

chills

literal chills

#inbox 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ✧ #𐙚 moots ♡ #♡ ! addie #Addie #my dear friend #THIS SHIT IS FIRE #OMG #YOU WROTE HER SO WELL #I #I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY

[tealeafowl]

The word “Elysium”...

doesn’t refer to this place alone-

okay, jokes aside. i’m just trying to organize what we know/some of my theories on the world of Elysium (Holostars EN TEMPUS) in one place with more freedom for formatting and rambling

According to the official website:

The title seems to suggest that this world is Utopia, but is also known as Elysium. In general, I think the boys have referred to “Elysium” more than “Utopia,” though Shinri did refer to “Elysium” as the entire place they’re in, while “Utopia” is where the HQ base is (and Xenokuni is to the east of Utopia).

(Edit 2/18/23: I’ve heard Altare and Shinri use the word “Paradise” a few times recently, I think...?)

Both “Utopia” and “Elysium” have the following dictionary definitions (Merriam-Webster):

After years spent attempting to reach peace and perfection, the “solution” reached by humanity seems to be of creating a digital world: Elysium (Utopia). In doing so, humanity abandoned the material, corporeal realm (the real world) - which matches the dictionary definition of “utopia” being “an imaginary and indefinitely remote place.”

Just as the word “utopia” is defined, the Utopia that HoloTEMPUS exists in is meant as “a place of ideal perfection,” even if perfection can’t be reached with the “scourge of ‘Records Corruption’“ that brings suffering “to the city and its people.”

The choice of using the word “Elysium” is interesting due to its roots in classical mythology of the afterlife, specifically.

(x)

Though it has the same connotations with “paradise,” “perfection,” and so on, since it’s from the “home of the blessed after death” - a kind of reward for heroes after death.

With the addition of Xenokuni...

it seems like there’s a distinction between Utopia and Xenokuni, if Xenokuni is described as a land to the east of Utopia (instead of being like, eastern Utopia).

Xenokuni was “also once promised peace and stability” - but promised by whom? Or promised by what? If Xenokuni was “also” promised peace and stability like with Utopia, then were both created by separate entities? (Were there two different instances (or groups) of people trying to create the perfect, peaceful world, and they ended up creating a wholly digital one that ended up coexisting?)

Also, taking a look at what “Xenokuni” (是ノ国) could reference (where “-kuni” (国) means “country”):

Maybe the name implies that Xenokuni is “not the host” of Elysium? (x) Or even further, that it is a “guest” in some way to the digital space that is Elysium?

Like with Utopia, Xenokuni also has Records Corruption - perhaps at an even more frequent rate than Utopia, as Xenokuni is now in a long-running cycle of destruction and creation. The state of constant destruction and creation led to residents of the land “gaining sentience” and “questioning the validity of ‘Utopia’“.

The notion of “gaining sentience” is an interesting one - does that mean that, had the world been the perfect utopia as intended, the residents would not be considered “sentient”? Also that gaining sentience appears to be tied to them questioning the reality they live in, much like Adam and Eve eating the fruit of knowledge while in the Garden of Eden (another paradise in pop culture, tied with the notion of “sentience” or knowledge).

It also suggests that Utopia, in contrast with Xenokuni, does not have nearly as many residents who have gained “sentience,” perhaps blissfully believing the world they live in is perfect.

In Altare’s profile description, he’s noted to dislike “stagnation and the status quo” - is the status quo/stagnation regarding how others in Elysium view their world?

Also, the fact that he’s the “first-ever adventurer to set foot in Elysium.” So there haven’t been any other adventurers in Elysium prior to Altare’s arrival? Also the implication that he isn’t from Elysium, if he “set foot in” Elysium as an adventurer (and later becomes the founder of the guild).

(Concept art of Utopia from the Holostars EN website)

A large, grandiose-looking, sprawling city. Bright, and with a large, blue tree in the background (the (great) Hollow Tree? based on the lyrics to “Always Tied”). It’s also worth noting that, if you look closely at the sky, there almost appears to be some kind of dome over the whole place, centered over the tree.

Looking closely at the tree itself, there does appear to be some kind of structure inside...

(Concept art of the Adventurer’s Guild TEMPUS’ Guild Hall)

Specifically, this projection of the Hollow Tree in the Guild headquarters does seem to indicate a large, upside-down pyramid in the middle of the tree.

(Concept art for Xenokuni)

The great Hollow Tree is seen in the distance from Xenokuni - compared to where Utopia is in relation to the tree, Xenokuni seems to be farther away from the tree.

It also looks like there’s some kind of large chasm in the middle of Xenokuni? (Which may suit its description of being in a long-running cycle of destruction and creation?)

Xenokuni is also known as a land of craftsmen, the land of righteousness, and is governed by a local committee (aka different governance than Utopia?). And Xenokuni also seems to have experienced a greater amount of Records Corruption, based on what Shinri had shared about his left hand - he talked about how there’s some kind of test done re: fighting the Corruption Beasts, and that his hand is blue because he failed that test.

The reason why my hand is blue is because, back in Xenokuni, we have a test, [...] an exam... We don’t know where it came from--we don’t know where they came from, to be clear--we’re not sure what the start of the whole thing is, but there was a catalyst that caused these creatures we refer to as Corruption Beasts to start coming out, and they would start attacking people. We needed to have people who fight against them, people who could defend Xenokuni from these invaders. We still don’t know where they came from or what they are, we just know that they’re pretty vicious and very dangerous. [...] These Corruption Beasts are a lot more than [the monster we fought at debut].

[...] There is a... test, of sorts. An exit exam, if you will, where soldiers and fighters and volunteers and just anyone who wants to help contribute to the effort to fight against these Corruption Beasts are really measured and tested to see if they have what it takes, and unfortunately for me, I failed that test, which is why my hand is stained, I guess, with the... failure. And this is why I ended up traveling around. I left the academy to go find out what exactly I had to offer, what skills, what strengths I had, and how I can really contribute to this. I really wanted to ponder what it meant to be in battle and to fight [... and it was in one of those moments where I was trying to figure out where I fit in the grand scheme of things that I met the other VG boys].

[...]

But still, to this day, we don’t know what those are. [We’re working with HQ boys to try and figure out/compare notes on what we’ve seen in Xenokuni and what they’ve seen.]

(Transcript with some paraphrasing in brackets from 43:24)

Whether his hand is corrupted like Hakka’s is (as an example of failing in a fight against a Corruption Beast) or if the Xenokuni test proctors are just that severe (and will give a physical mark of failure) isn’t clear yet (though I believe Shinri had mentioned wanting to go more in-depth on this topic in the future).

So back to the Adventurer’s Guild TEMPUS, it sounds like they’ve gained enough of a name for themselves to get a popular downtown pub synonymous with the guild, where TEMPUS was formed and where the guild members assemble.

As noted in Altare’s profile, as the founder and leader of the guild, his ideals are reflected in how the guild “look to resist the status quo and seek to change the world as adventurers.” Prior to Altare’s arrival, there weren’t other adventurers in Elysium, but this group of adventurers (Guild TEMPUS) aim to both resist the status quo and change the world.

What is the current status quo in Elysium, that Altare and the others want to resist?

It’s interesting because I think this could go several different ways. On one level, I imagine it might have to do with the Records Corruption - based on the manga for Altare, we see that he’s personally experienced the effects of Records Corruption, in the form of someone in his life being deleted from the world.

(from a Reddit comment transcribing the text that scrolls by in the first HoloTEMPUS teaser video) (the text translates pretty closely to the manga, but it’s interesting to read the textual descriptions)

I also imagine that the other boys (at the very least, the other HQ boys, not as familiar with the VG boys yet) have similar reason to want to fight against the Records Corruption:

Magni, in his profile, is described as “the type of person who stares right into the abyss” and would “do anything it takes to uncover the truth behind the world.” It also makes sense with “alchemy” (at least, thinking about FMA, and alchemists pursuing the truth of the world). He’s also shared that his headcanon about his glove cloak is that he transmuted the [dying] souls of his previous guildmates into each hand (during a Sims 4 stream).

(It’s had me wonder if it’s possible that the dead get erased from Elysium - and I mean that like their data actually gets erased in some way? So Magni transmuting their souls is a way to keep their data as well, instead of losing that completely. Or if him transmuting their souls was a form of manipulating the Data of Elysium, on a similar level as how Records Corruption can change Data...?)

Either way, if Corruption Beasts are still not fully understood by people in Elysium, and that they’re a serious issue, I would say that they’re probably closely tied to “the abyss” (metaphorical) and “the truth behind the world” that Magni is willing to do anything to uncover (along with the rumors that he’s “hiding a dark side to him”).

On top of that, the manga establishes Magni as the one who had approached Altare and invited himself along with Altare before he went to explore some ruins, saying that “a friend in need is a friend indeed, remember?”

(It also suggests that they’ve met previously, since Altare is like, not you “again.” I also wonder if Magni is referencing something specific to their previous interactions with the word “remember?” - and if Altare has forgotten something from their past by responding, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Or if he’s just trying to brush Magni off lol. But he does have some history as something of an amnesiac...)

For Axel, I like to think that he just has a Feeling that something is wrong (with Elysium), based on his instincts... I’m not sure if he has a more specific reason to want to fight Records Corruption besides his instincts, and maybe also just liking a good fight. But he’s also the one who extends an invite to Altare and Magni to his colosseum (hearing that they were looking for strong companions), fights them, and then joins the guild.

Vesper apparently has some history with Altare in the academy, where it seems like they had ideological differences (maybe specifically regarding the Corruption)? The turning point for him, in the manga, is seeing that Altare now has guildmates backing him up.

It also seems like however Altare wants to fight the status quo is (/was?) considered hypocritical by Vesper, which was a point of contention for them, and also based on how Altare was in the past compared to how he is now.

My personal speculation is that Vesper, in the position of custodian and arch-scholar at the Grand Library, might have more access to like, forbidden knowledge about the Records Corruption (or even something like, residual data of deleted files, on a meta level).

I’ve also seen other theories note that the status quo may have more to do with how Elysium exists as a form of escape from the corporeal world, so breaking the status quo has to do with returning to the corporeal world and rejecting the virtual world of Elysium.

(Personally, though I do think that theory makes sense, it’s not one that I would focus on as much, if only because I feel like, on a meta level, we aren’t going to see our vtubers in reality besides live 3d some day? And because I see the world of Elysium being digital as a nod to how our vtubers exist, well, virtually, lol. Though in the bigger picture, since this is vtuber lore, it’s not like we’re going to see the end of this kind of arc either way....? ... Unless?)

(Also, personally speaking, for fic purposes, I tend to focus more on what would be interesting on a character analysis perspective rather than the overall world lore/setting, so that’s another reason why that isn’t really something I’m focused on (compared to my speculations on the Records Corruption). But I do think it makes sense LOL)

Maybe the status quo has to do with how Utopia hasn’t really recognized the dangers of Records Corruption yet, especially compared to Xenokuni, and that’s what Altare started the Adventurer’s Guild TEMPUS to fight against. Or that status quo of rejecting the corporeal in favor of the digital world. Or something else?

Also, based on the guild cards, I also like to think of Elysium as specifically being a video game world, or being structured like one at least. In that sense, I imagine there being like, ordinary quests and monsters to fight (referenced in passing by the boys), but also Records Corruption and Corruption Beasts that appear somewhat like glitches (so not formally commissioned quests, no rewards, and maybe even appearing on a similar level to video game creepypastas, since those are often focused on glitches).

Based on Hakka’s profile, we also learn that Records Corruption can manifest in the form of “erosion”?

His right hand is being eroded (but still intact? Contained to his hand, only?) by the “scourge of Records Corruption.” While we’ve also seen the existence of Corruption Beasts, and also Data manipulation (removing whoever it is in Altare’s past, both from tangible things like photographs, and from his own memories).

It’s also interesting to note that Hakka has “inherited Karasutengu data” (just the fact that it’s called “data” and that it can be inherited - we already know they’re in a digital world, but it’s an interesting way to put it), and that he’s an exorcist. Not only that, but he’s from a long line of exorcists that have defended Xenokuni from the evils of the world (Corruption Beasts? since Xenokuni has had to deal with Records Corruption on a much larger scale than Utopia has, so far?).

This also makes me wonder if Corruption Beasts were previously people who had become corrupted.

... Regardless, I appreciate how there are different ways to interpret things like the Records Corruption - in how it manifests, the effects it has, etc. - and what kind of overarching theme the boys have as the Adventurer’s Guild TEMPUS, fighting against the status quo.

This is by no means a comprehensive look into TEMPUS lore, but it did cover stuff about the setting of Elysium, and the founding of the guild... Shinri’s membership open stream where he talked about (not) canon theories on the lore, and other theories out there have covered more than I have with this LOL. Might revisit to add onto this at a later point in time; also, feel free to add to this if you want to o7

#holostars en #holotempus #L O R E #meta #speculation #long post under the cut #ngl i'm not sure who's around on tumblr (in this fandom) but i appreciate being able to write long posts on tumblr more than twitter lol #with formatting and images and tagging and everything #might come back to this with some of what shinri mentioned in his conspiracy theories about tempus lore stream though LOL #setting lore

[juvenalesque]

I wanted to include the video here, but tumblr seems to refuse to allow it. I recommend watching before reading my article following. Welcome to my blog:

This video begins a very important conversation in a way almost everyone can understand. Each "different economic system" in our history has only been repeating the one proceeding it in every way: except for those minimum concessions made that are appeasement enough that the oppressed willingly accept the enthusiastic new way of presenting the roles and rituals of the ways of life. Propaganda has been effective each time more readily than the last for the ones who barely grasped to keep ahold of their power educated themselves & cooperated with more zeal to promote their agenda. Whether it be the religion that stands for building a firm foundation for the construction of loyalty or those that conveniently reach the same result while claiming freedom from the cultural constructs of religion, these power modules do not rest when it comes to finding ways to increase their benefit while never releasing a life of extreme luxury as to avoid any useful labor or participation in the function of society. If there is one thing they engrain into their ways it is a simple fact that the truest power is knowledge. This provides the knowledge that to divide is to conquer, to destroy unity and utilize discontented disorder for their justifications, or even to go so far as to allow large parts of the system to be pruned for the preservation of the desired organism. When you see an apocalypse, a war-torn nation of dust, ancient languages lost as quickly as the literacy of a nation of revolution, leaving way for the oath of new ownership called freedom. This is freedom at last. Never again, but every time. To obliterate anyone with a new way of looking at things so that we can bury our heads in the sand of cognitive dissonance for the truth is inconvenient. This is the history of the world, but it is our present. Colonization moved locations, servitude became employment, and loyalty to one another became nationalism/patriotism to the ruling class, and time to yourself become a luxury because if you have time to tarry you have time to think, & that makes you dangerous. If you have basic decency & kindness, you have brotherhood, & that breeds altruism. If you have United thinkers, you start a controlled demolition. The mistake always made by the masses is the one built into the training of every mind born into the existing world as one knows it: foresight becomes the afterthought. It is only by grassroots organizational patterns, voluntary associations, education on facts & commonalities of compromise that the human race can survive this time. IF humanity fails to unite with a new slogan, "Earthlings for Terra & Terra for all Earthlings" or a phrase of the same sentiment, then tick-tock will go the clock, & past stops existing in the present while the future is obliterated by nuclear proportion...possibly literally. People think about how their very presence in the past would change their present if they had access to time-space-travel, but nobody stops to think about how each thing they can do in the present has the same ripple effect on the future. Non-objection is compliance is to be complicit. Wake up every day and choose to always be open to new ideas and change your mind when presented with new and valid information. Maybe you'll be the most valuable piece in saving the world. Above all: be kind. You may realize that this short story also alludes to how our for-profit prisons have been used in this same manner, as we replaced ourselves with nationalism/patriotism, our ears perk at the posh remodeling of language to quench our thirst for peace with pleasant lies so we don't have to swallow the truth. We are not free. We all should be. Yet, just as colonialism never ended, now the capitalist ideology has implemented the military-industrial complex as a means to the expansion of territory and resources-- one of those resources being human beings.

#adulthood #the struggle is real #adulting is hard #antifascism #anarchism #capitalism #mercantilism #feudalism #slavery #propoganda #fake history #Youtube

[marshmallowprotection]

Could i pretty please have some comfort from Saeran (you pick!) About mothers day? Don't forget to stay hydrated and take plenty of naps <3 -🎈

"You know, my feelings about my mother are complicated, too," his voice was quiet but gentle as he held you close to his chest. This was always difficult for you and you didn't want to bother Saeran with the same thing. He was sorting through his feelings about his mother as soon as he realized the date. You didn't blame him for that, since you had your own struggles with it every year on this holiday.

In some ways, ignorance was bliss. You hadn't realized the date until it popped up on your social media, and Saeran hadn't known that the holiday existed until he discovered it online. You could tell that he was upset even if he had been working on his feelings about this subject for a long time. His smile had grown since he found freedom, but the past wasn't gone from his mind. The hurt would always be there even as he became stronger.

You felt the same way. Sometimes it was easier and sometimes it was harder to cope with the thoughts of your mother. It was something in your life that you sorted out when it came to pass. You didn't think it would be great to talk about these feelings knowing that Saeran had similar problems weighing on his mind. You didn't want him to talk to you about it if it wasn't comfortable.

In the same way that you knew that he would never ask you to talk about something that you weren't comfortable with. But, it was the one day of the year that felt like the longest. It dragged on and on for hours without fail, and you wanted to curl back up into bed and sleep through it until it was over again.

"On the one hand, I'm grateful to be alive because I was given the chance to meet you. I would never change anything because I know you'll always be waiting for me... but, there's another part of me that is hurt that the one person who was supposed to be there for me and my brother... well, you know what I mean. It's hard to think about. At times, I miss her for some reason, and at others, I'm upset that she did what she did to me. It's funny, I guess, to miss someone who did those things to me. But, she was all I had apart from Saeyoung for a long time, so maybe it's natural to feel complicated."

You buried your face in his chest. The gentle scent of florals lingered against the fabric of his shirt. It made you feel comfortable despite all the hurt you felt. He was always honest that his feelings about those memories were hard. It hurt him even if he smiled through it. It wasn't something he could get complete closure from.

He was making peace with that, but it still haunted him. It was very similar to how you felt... how complicated it was to realize that there were things that you would never hear apologies for or any sort of kindness. You didn't want it because it wouldn't change the hurt you suffered... but the fact that it was never offered did sting.

"My therapist says it's okay that all of these feelings are complicated, my love," he brushed his lips against the top of your head. He would never let you feel alone. "That's why I think it's okay for you to feel complicated about your mother, too. Even if you're conflicted and not sure what to feel, it's okay to feel that way. I think... I think we're going to be okay, though. Even though there's a pain that we share, I know that a day like this one is a good reminder that we survived our past and managed to find each other after all that."

You weren't ready to talk about all of it but you were glad that you had Saeran with you. There was so much hurt to think about but you knew that he was going to understand when you were ready to talk about it... just as you had been ready to hold him tightly when that pain was too hard to keep inside.

"I'm glad that we're together," you whispered.

"And I'm glad we'll never be apart," he said.

#ask #anon #mod kait #drabble #mysme #mysticmessenger #mystic messenger #mm #saeran choi #choi saeran #saeray #ge saeran #mystic messenger saeran #mysme saeran #mm saeran #saeran mm #saeran mysme #saeran mystic messenger #saeran

[esta-elavaris]

Hello!!

First up, just want to say I love your blog and your stories even though I am a lousy commentor.(I apologise for that)

I really resonate with that ask you answered about children. I feel exactly the same way...sworn off relationships and children. I value my freedom too much to sacrifice it. Children and relationships maybe okay but free time, writing, reading and fandoms are WAYYY better. I tend to keep these views to myself because I made the mistake of opening up and telling this to some of my family and friends only to be ridiculed. They even had the audacity to place bets on me which was quite annoying. Long story short none of them believe me and does not get the fact that I do not need to be in a relationship or have children to be happy. I am quite content with my freedom, studies, reading, writing, fandoms and most importantly my peace of mind. Glad to know there are people like me who feel the same way❤❤

Oh no need to apologise at all, I am also a crap commenter when it comes to stuff I read a lot of the time, so I get it! Thank you! 💜💜

But yeah, honestly it's so disappointing that people are crap about it. Most of my family don't know that I've actively decided not to do either, and I don't see any reason to tell them tbh. I don't need the ear-beating. I've only just started being so open about it online and amongst friend circles because it feels important to voice and validate at this point. It does make me laugh because my mother was a terrible mother and told me at fifteen that I needed to have children one day, because she had to be a grandmother 💀 like she didn't even make an effort with the kids she had herself, what a dumbass.

Our planet is over-populated as it is, and so many kids are stuck with terrible parents who have no interest in actually parenting or being there for their child because they either had kids because it's "what people do", or because they were too concerned with what they thought a child could give them rather than vice versa, or even because they were worried about maybe potentially regretting it one day. One look at the "regretful parents" subreddit shows you the cost of that thinking. I think it's funny that the people who actively choose not to have kids bc they don't think they'd be a good parent are actively making a better parenting decision than the ones who have them and then mistreat them just because "it's what people do!!!1"

With relationships and kids for me there's just too much cost and absolutely not enough reward. I'd much rather write about it than live it ahah. The judgement does absolutely suck, though, like I think people who view these things as an essential part of life really can't grasp that some people just don't, and think we're lying about being happy as is out of denial or and inability to find "the one" or something because they think how they feel when they're single etc. is how everybody feels when they're single. Or maybe it even makes them feel some kind of way because they depend on it so much and they don't like to see others not needing it, and being fine with doing shit alone or "just" with friends. Platonic love is just as important, and (for me) just as fulfilling.

I do think some child-free people give the whole thing a bad name - I cringe when I see people online absolutely foaming at the mouth when a child dares to exist in public, but it doesn't justify the way some people try to make the reproductive choices of others their business. It's also disappointing that it's a decision that's often more respected when men make it than women. Nine times out of ten I see a parent dealing with a meltdown etc. and I just think "I wouldn't do that on a daily basis for all of the money in the world", and that's not even getting into how we gloss over exactly how traumatic pregnancy and birth is on a physical level. Absolutely no part of it is tempting to me. The good moments wouldn't outweigh the sacrifice for me.

I did not mean to write you a whole ass essay here, I'm sorry haha, it's just nice to find people who get it and to have a chance to talk about it! Also didn't know whether to answer this privately or not - so I hope you don't mind, but if you do just lmk and I'll delete 💜

#asks

[beaubambabey]

Now that I've finished BG3, I have Thoughts

I had to turn my beautiful first Tav Mr. Robbie Roh-Tane aka the time I accidentally made Shadowheart her very own big brother and got too attached and made up a backstory where he went off to bard college to bring smiles to the children of Faerûn because he found joy and purpose in making his little sister laugh but came back to find his family home massacred and his family nowhere to be found which led him to a sad slippery slope where he used drugs to cope for decades until the nautiloid forced him into the Absolute's rehab program and then proceeded to role-play as this strange reunited sibling dynamic... into a mind flayer. which is so fucked up

Robbie aka Rhysander who I will proceed to call Rhys for the rest of this post was made to look pretty and convince people to not fight him. This meant he was Not Very Good At Not Dying which is Bad

Rhys and Astarion broke up after the brain went down because I didn't want to force Astarion to stay with a mind flayer who's slowly losing himself when he came into this relationship for a pretty boy half-elf that championed personal freedoms above all else and encouraged him to think about what he wanted. Which is Fucked

THE FACT. THAT IN A GAME WITH SO MANY CHOICES. IT CAME DOWN TO BECOMING A MIND FLAYER. OR LETTING THE ONLY HOPE OF AN ENSLAVED PEOPLE BECOME FOOD FOR A MIND FLAYER. OR MAKING SAID HOPE BECOME A MIND FLAYER. IS F U C K E D

LIKE. Fuck The Emperor man.

Why can't you manipulate him back this fucking sucks

He was LITERALLY BALDURAN HIMSELF. HE FOUNDED THIS LITTLE HELLHOLE. HE WAS A HERO ONCE AND HE FUCKED OVER THE PEOPLE WHO CARED ABOUT HIM IN THE SERVICE OF MORE ILLITHID POWER AND NOW YOU TOO CAN CONTINUE THE CYCLE YAY FUN FUN

Like yeah I know you can pretend you're still yourself after all this time even as a mind flayer and that you're not gonna make the same mistakes but like??? Y'all

I personally think it would be cool to have come to a compromise with The Emperor where he can eat as many Absolutist brains as he wants on his way up and we help him dominate the Netherbrain but Orpheus goes free but that's just me and my love of No Sacrifices Here Except Your Own Ego

Like honey. It's not my fault the Elder Brain evolved with the addition of an incredibly powerful magical artifact. That's just gonna happen whether we like it or not

I cried when Lae'zel thanked Rhys for his sacrifice. That felt so fucking meaningful and made it all worth it. For a while at least

Maybe I should've put more worms in my brain. Would I still have needed to go full illithid if I became part illithid with the Astral-Touched Tadpole? Much To Think About

It's really sweet that Halsin would still willingly kiss your squiddy face. I love him. Thanks, Daddy Halsin. May you and your nine cartloads of kids you adopted live a long and peaceful life

I cried every time someone hugged Rhys as a mind flayer. It must be such a lonely existence, becoming a monster and cutting off contact with the people you've come to care deeply for.

Shadowheart's ending where she and her parents build a little homestead with so many animals is so cute. She's so happy and delightful. I would become a squid a million times over to give that to her

In roleplay context, it's so bittersweet if you think about being reunited with your sister and parents only to have to stay away from them so you don't subject them to the monster you've become. They live their happy life together and you steer clear of it because you can't bring yourself to ruin it by staying long enough for the hunger to catch up to you. But when you come to the reunion party six months later, the sister you've searched for through the fugue state your loss put you in, the one you saw in every child you've saved, who fought by your side this whole time while you unwittingly mourned her, who you rebuilt your sibling relationship with during this adventure, finally gets to know the parents you got to know. Finally gets to live as herself and be happy and free. And she hugs you sweetly, in spite of your monstrous appearance. She got to have a big brother to protect her when it mattered most, and now she's grown enough to walk her own path in life. I couldn't be happier.

I ran out of inspiration points trying to dominate the brain like an IDIOT and couldn't feasibly convince Gale to NOT become a God. Poor Tara. Poor Mrs. Dekarios. Poor me for having to stare at Gale's chrome nipples. We will discuss this tragedy with Morena over tea.

I made sure to go back and do the Iron Throne rescue before fighting Ansur just to make Wyll into the Blade of Avernus so Karlach wouldn't die. And I'm happy with that decision. Seeing Karlach's face as she reports her findings and compliments your squiddy mug is so fucking sweet.

I was sobbing after we killed Gortash hearing about how her revenge just didn't feel worthwhile and how she was gonna die anyway and. I'm so glad she's still alive in this run

Talked with my buddy who romanced Wyll and made him Grand Duke and he said he made Karlach into a mind flayer and she was chill about it. Idk how to feel but it's nice there are options. Don't know if Rhys would let that happen since it's taking her freedom away and sacrificing her feels wrong but since I'm doing the Netherbrain fights again I'll see what I can do

I'm genuinely tempted to get the No Party Limit mod because it feels wrong to take people out for the final boss.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY GOOD REACTIONS TO ORPHEUS PUTTING YOU ON BLAST FOR FUCKING THE EMPEROR

SERIOUSLY

"You fornicated with an illithid!" And nobody says shit? Not even your partner??? Fucked up

You can ask for one last kiss before the final boss. I didn't realize it would be the last kiss Rhys and Astarion shared

I'm still fucked up about that but. I'm glad to see him happy. My Radiant Hopeful ❤️

Lae'zel chose to go with Orpheus at the end. Didn't try to steal Rhys away from Astarion to fight in the war. Probably because Rhys turned squid. Sad

I'm so exhausted. But by the gods that was a good game.

#bam! we're gaming #playing: bg3

[kivino]

Why "russians dni"? The people did nothing wrong, their government did. Russians are trying to boycott the war in Ukraine but are actively being silenced and punished for it. They don't like what's happening any more than you do.

first - i’d like for you to understand that the question you’re asking is none of your business, actually! block button exists for a reason, use it.

second - who even are you? i haven’t posted in a hot minute, so you intentionally seek out my blog to do what, exactly? ask me a personal question all while not coming off of anon? the fact that you even asked implies that you think you’re entitled to your daily dose of struggle porn, which i’m not going to provide to you. with that question you also show once again that the invasion of my country didn’t teach you - as a spectator, anything. bet you also think we should give up our lands for peace with colonisers, huh?

but regardless, i’ll explain. after centuries of being an empire they, what a surprise, have an imperialistic mindset that is hard to get rid of unless they are directly faced with that fact and genuinely wish to work on themselves. even the russian freedom fighters that you’re being so concerned about, instead of supporting actual victims. they also have surprisingly a lot to say for people who are being silenced.

case study 1 - famous russian comic who’s supposedly against the governments and lived in kyiv making a joke at one of his shows about the name of the town (izyum) where russians committed war crimes.

case study 2 - famous russian opposition politician who died recently, referring to russian-occupied crimea peninsula “not a sandwich to be passed around”, bluntly saying that once he’d have been in power, he would not have returned the lands back to ukraine.

and that’s just what i can remember from the top of my head and not counting all the times our language, culture and anything about us was ridiculed by people who did nothing wrong, according to you.

they don’t see that the problem is not only in the fact that people they pay taxes to and put in power in the first place are committing acts of genocide and war crimes, no. they refuse to see the fact that it lies deeper - that we want to speak our own language, be our own people and separate from their cultural space, instead of being looked down upon as “the younger brother”. i wish everything was as simple as you think it is, but it’s not. it’s centuries of history and bad blood, not only wih ukraine but also with many other countries that russians occupied and destroyed. i understand you might be not aware of all the details, but frankly, it’s not my job to educate you.

maybe there are russian people who see their empire for what it is, understand everything and genuinely try to make it right. i haven’t seen them yet and i don’t care enough to find out if there are people like this, because as a victim, i just want to be left alone, which you have a problem with, for some fucking reason.

if there were truly so many people who “boycott the war” (and how do you even do that? their taxes go towards it regardless of what they have to say about it) then they’d take everything into their hands and change the situation in their country by overthrowing the government who’s full of old imperialist oligarchs. but they can’t, because the pressing majority of population either supports it outright or is “neutral” which is the same fucking thing as supporting!

russians dni is because i don’t want to interact with someone who will automatically switch to russian instead of even trying to conceal the fact that they think we’re not different. russians dni is because it’s not my job to educate them and lead them by their hand through every point of why occupying territories that do not belong to them is bad. russians dni is because i don’t want to hear what they have to say about the ukrainian artists they claimed as theirs. russians dni is because i’m tired of living with inferiority complex.

hope this helps, and have a day you deserve. if you wish to argue, then save your breath - i’ll delete any asks with that kind of content.

#kivi answers

[purplesurveys]

1587

Describe your hometown. What's it like there? On a constant path to growth, which has been pretty cool to watch since I’ve lived here since I was a kid. The thing about where I’m from is that cities outside Manila rarely dramatically change - they would look the same as they were 10, 15 years ago. But where I’m from started as this really bare city, and now it’s anything but that. Which is great too because I imagine I’d be bored out of my mind if it never changed.

What did you do yesterday evening? Hung out at the rooftop while I listened to Indigo. Then it rained so I went downstairs only to find that the big-ass bathtub I ordered for my mom this Christmas had finally arrived. It’s nearly comical how big the box for it is and it got even funnier when my sister asked “Whose body are we hiding?” lmfao. Anyway, we hid it behind the sofa not for the sake of hiding it from my mom (because that shit is gonna get spotted any other way) but so that it isn’t an eyesore.

Are you comfortable with leaving the house without any makeup on? I never leave the house with makeup. I know I’ve filled this up before because I’m about to say what I said the last time – it would be more noteworthy for me to leave the house with makeup on than without.

Do you have any expensive hobbies? I’d say being in a fandom is.

What length do you like to keep your nails at? Continued from Sunday. Not too long, because I think it starts to look gross when they start looking like big chunks.

What's your favorite memory with your last ex? I’m not sure...maybe that time we went to this club with friends then spent literally the rest of the evening walking around the city, after everyone had long gone home. There was a calming sense of freedom and peace going around the city like that, with only a few cars passing every now and then and knowing most of the population was asleep In any case, that’s one of the handful of things I can still remember because otherwise I’m forgetting more and more of that relationship’s existence with every day that passes.

Have you ever felt physical pain in a dream? There have been a few nightmares where my chest had felt 500 lbs heavier.

What is the oldest online account that you still use? My current Twitter account, which I opened in 2010. I actually made my first account there in 2008 but I’ve long deleted that.

Have you ever had Christmas carolers come to your house and sing for you? That only ever happened in the duplex we used to live in, since our area is a pretty common/busy route in that village; I know carolers still stop by to this day because there was a group that was standing in front of our gate the last time we came over a month ago. Our current house, though, is right at the end of the village so nobody ever makes it to this point.

Do you know anyone whose family has lived in the same house for 3+ generations? Angela.

What was the last video game you beat? I have never beaten a video game; I never had the skills to, haha.

What's your favorite Studio Ghibli film? Grave of the Fireflies.

What did you learn from your last failed relationship? I ignored and let certain things go because I didn’t want it to end, but nope not doing that again. < This is true, but I’ve also come to terms with the fact that the entire relationship was doomed from the start. It shouldn’t have happened; but since it did, it shouldn’t have lasted the length that it lasted. This italicized point is just one of the entire novel of things I’ve since learned from having been in that relationship.

What country does your favorite band hail from? Do boy groups count? South Korea.

What's something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Having a loft bed made has been on the backburner most of this year but I’m excited to say that I’m finally starting the steps to get it done! I’ve started to do some scouting for possible pegs and I want to have it by around Jan or Feb at the latest.

Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? This was me with reading. Being a bookworm was my one and only personality in grade school, and I frequently smuggled novels to school even though it wasn’t allowed; people also solely knew me as someone who kept to herself and just read and read and read. Somewhere along Grade 6, I suppose I got depressed and simultaneously got busier with school and just didn’t have the headspace and time anymore to read; eventually I failed to catch up with which books people were getting into until I just stopped reading as a habit altogether.

It’s not totally lost on me though, I would say. My love for reading has since continued to live on in my love for writing, which I’m confident will never go away; it is still my favorite thing to do. I also still read from time to time, but my materials of choice have changed; like I don’t think I’ll be touching a novel again for a long time but I still enjoy memoirs, articles, essays, that kind of stuff.

Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No, it’s a waste of electricity. I do keep YouTube autoplay on my phone as I turn in, but I also make sure my phone’s timer is toggled so that it shuts down after a certain amount of minutes.

What's the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? How things that we have to deal with end up being a part of public debate, legal or otherwise. Stuff like periods still being taboo, the legality of abortion, and at least in the case of Asia, the social standing/implications of being a single mom.

What movie has the best special effects? I’m generally not a fan of genres known to have CGI like fantasy and war so I wouldn’t be the best person to ask about this, but I will say that 2001: A Space Odyssey (especially considering the year it was made) and Interstellar are top favorites. How many work hours per week is too much for you? I will sometimes have weeks that require me to spend 12-15 hours a day and that always takes a toll on my mental health.

What habit is essential to your daily life? Making my morning cup of coffee.

What is your favorite documentary? Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

When did you last have a vision test? Last year when I needed a new prescription for my glasses.

What do you typically eat for breakfast? Just coffee. I skip breakfast.

What are three things you need to do tomorrow? Get my physical tickets for the Kim Seonho fanmeet :D That’s about it. Otherwise I plan to spend the day lazing away.

[wjforever]

Shatter me again. Chapter 69

Home.

Home…

What does he mean?

It sounds too unrealistic, too wonderful.

I want to ask him, I part my lips to ask the question, but I see such a sneaky smile on his face that I don't say a word. It's a surprise. I'm embarrassed and excited and anxious and eager. And I'm also a little scared of the unknown. It beckons, but at the same time it's disturbing.

All the changes in my life weren't walk in the park: I used to end up in hospitals, police stations, asylum, captivity. And the chance to finally get the desired peace seems incredible. But Adam is always with me now. He makes unreal things real.

With every step I take, I get further and further away from Warner. From the necessity to be a toy in someone's hands, from a predestination, from a framework. I'm free. Absolutely. No one and nothing holds me back anymore and I want to swim in this freedom, drink it, scooping it up in large portions. I want to choke and drown. With Adam by my side. Because for the first time in my life, I do what I want, and not what is required or expected of me. Hope, love, opportunity. I feel all this because I want to know what it's like to live independently of others. Adam gives me this absolute liberty.

I can feel the wings behind my back again. Adam cut them off once, with one sloppy word. But now he's given them back to me, even bigger, even stronger than before.

I know that everything will be fine now. Only good things are waiting for us. Something is bound to happen, and my life will change for the better, now I believe in it. We already do things over and over again that I didn't believe was possible.

We're going to some abandoned shed on the outskirts of this wild field. Its wooden walls are difficult to see because of the  rogue dry vegetation and crazed bushlike tentacles, scratchy and hideous that tightly clung to it from all sides. There's something familiar to me about these tentacles, suffocating, and I think maybe they're poisonous. I need to be careful not to touch them.

I wonder if this is the home? It doesn't look attractive from the outside, but that doesn't matter. If this is our chance to hide, I won't mind. I lived in a cell for eight months. I can handle anything now.

We step into the dark space, the strong smell of humidity and mold hits my nose. I squint, hoping to see at least something and suddenly I notice an outline.

A car.

I blink.

An armored car. One of those that was at the HQ. At Warner's.

Adam turns to me, seemingly waiting for a reaction. The rays of the setting sun make their way through the chinks of the shed, allowing my eyes, that are getting used to the darkness, to see his expression. He's almost can't control his own eagerness. And I can see that he is pleased with my astonishment. It's so nice to know that a person can enjoy something like this. Rejoice in my reaction.

When Adam begins to speak, his voice is animated, excited.

"I told Warner that the electronic parts had failed due to electromagnetic radiation. It really was. The next time I came here in a car that runs on gasoline. I managed to pull this baby away from the active zone. Due to the fact that I periodically worked in the mechanical compartment, I managed to get new parts and install them on the car. They're still messing up, but the car is in working order, and the further it goes from this place, the better it functions."

"But didn't Warner want to return the car and fix it at the HQ?"

"My visits here were unofficial. Warner didn't want his father to find out about it, so I got here in his private car, unregistered in official documents. I think he was afraid that the more people knew about its existence, the more likely it would become known to his father. You've already seen yourself, the guy is a real paranoid."

"Yeah, that's true." I breathe out.

"Anyway, several times I had to get to the place on foot before he got another car that was able to work in this area."

"But couldn't someone else have come up, seen the car here and realize that it's still functional?"

"No, it's impossible. Both civilians and soldiers are are prohibited from being in the former residential areas under threat of death. From time to time they send a punitive squad to make sure that no one has found shelter here. But the soldiers are afraid of radiation, although no one really knows how it affects a person. We have already made sure that it's safe for people, but the army, as well as civilians, doesn't know about it. It's beneficial that everyone afraid. Fear reduces the number of attempts to get into this zone."

"But what about you? Weren't you afraid when you didn't know it was safe?"

"I followed orders. And Warner liked it that I was willing to die for my duty. Maybe that's one of the reasons why he entrusted you to me."

"He never thought you'd step out of line." I mutter, understandingly.

Adam nods. "Exactly. I managed to earn his trust. And after what happened with the tracking serum, he had no reason to doubt my story about the car." 

"But what if he decided to check? He might have wanted to take his car and then he would have found out that you lied to him."

"I've discharged the electrical unit. And then I hid the battery so that it could be charged at any time. I could always say that it happens periodically, and I don't really know what's going on exactly and when. The electronics are working really bad in this area, so he could have seen for himself and he wouldn't have had any questions." He nods at the car. "I always knew it might come in handy one day. It's always good to have extra possible alternatives."

Now I clearly understand that Adam was carefully planning all this. And for a very long time. He was always ready to run away, to escape. He prepared answers to all possible questions and suspicions. It's not just me. It's not about me at all. He wanted to do it before. Just like he told me on our first trip. It's true that he was really just waiting for the right moment. I don't know why, but it makes me a little sad.

"Come here," Adam says to me in a soft voice and holds out his hands to me. He deftly helps me get into the car. My dress is more like tattered rags, and Adam's hands touch my bare legs. I sit down and turn to look at him. We're not in a hurry right now, and he looks back at me. His eyes are full of emotion, and I pretend not to notice it.

He moves closer to me, touches my thighs and everything inside me shrinks with excitement. 

"I need to take care of your legs." His voice is hoarse, low, deep.

I don't understand what he means, but I don't really care. I'm only looking at his hands touching my skin. For some reason, every time it feels like the first time. I should be getting used to his touch by now. There, on that bed, we were much closer to each other. But now I'm feeling as if none of this happened, and he touches me for the first time. And I cringe inwardly, because this is an instinct that has been developed over the years. It's impossible to get rid of it in an instant.

"It's not that bad." The tips of his fingers running across my calves and I can't breathe. I see Adam licking his lips. "But we'll have to clean the cuts up, just in case. Sometimes it’s safer being cut by a butcher knife than being scratched by a random scrap of metal. You don't want it to get infected."

His hand moves to my knee, lifts his eyes and looks at me.

It seems to me that I'm shivering not only from the cold. And I hope Adam doesn't figure out anything. I don't want him to think I'm avoiding him. I nod so he doesn't think I'm not listening to him. But there's so noisy in my head that it's hard for me to catch the meaning of his words. "Yeah, sure." I whisper to him.

I expect him to smile, but he's looking at me intensely, takes a deep breath and then shakes his head, as if trying to wipe out some thought.

"We need to go. The more time we buy, the better. It's only in our best interest to get as far away from here as possible."

With that Adam turns around and jumps into the driver's side. There's no key, just a button. He presses it and the car roars to life resonating with my own breathing.

We drive out of the shed as the sun sinks below the horizon. 

"But once we leave this place, won't the tracker start back up again?" I ask anxiously.

"No. Warner had to renew the serum every time I got back from here. I'm not on his leash anymore."

"But they will chase after us, right? He… could he have declared some new level of danger?"

Adam doesn't look at me.

"He doesn't need to do that."

"Why?"

"The alarm is turned on automatically, the system works autonomously from him and perfectly properly. As soon as the soldiers violate the permissible radius of location or someone violates the security of the headquarters, one of the standard procedures is launched. So Warner didn't have to call for backup or assess the situation. Our escape is too minor an incident for that. Their world is a captivity, in which everything is set up so that their slaves are under strict control."

"Oh… Adam… where are we going?" I finally ask the question that interests me especially strongly.

"My house."

I don't know how to react to this because he doesn't explain anything and I'm lost in guesses.

"Your house?"

Adam doesn't answer right away. He presses some buttons, stares intently at the road ahead, then smirks. It reminds me so much of our first trip again. That's just the mood is now the opposite.

"Something like that. You'll see everything soon."

I'm silent for a few seconds before I decide to continue the interrogation.

"And your parents…?" My voice is an indecisive whisper. Because this topic is painful for me. And I remember that his childhood was also harsh. I'm sure his father was cruel to him. And I don't know where this person is now.

"Dead. For a very long time." He answers a little too quickly, a little too sharply.

It seems to me that his face is getting gloomy, darker, and I'm afraid I've brought up the topic that shouldn't have been brought up.

"Oh…" I exhale and remain silent.

I have a heap of questions. I wonder why he wanted to run away, how long he had been planning all this, and how he ever got into the army if he talks so contemptuously about it. I'm also curious why their cars are now electric, not gas. Is it because they are quieter, or because there is an acute shortage of raw materials in the world. And I want to know more about his parents, what happened to them, how long has he been alone. I want to know more about his house, what it is, where it is and how he managed to keep this place. I have so many questions, but I don't ask any of them.

Adam doesn't seem in the mood to talk. He's absorbed in his thoughts. I think he was upset by my question about his parents. But even without that, I feel that he likes to save the intrigue, wants to keep the surprise, and I don't dare to interfere in his plans. He's wanted to run away for a long time, and I'm just a guest. I should be glad that I was given such a chance at all. And I'm extremely grateful to him for everything he does. I don't like to talk myself. I'll see and knew everything very soon. In the meantime, I like to mentally give the supposed answers to my own questions.

I don't need to bombard Adam with questions. I don't want to annoy him or tire him out. Communication with me has always been a difficult ordeal for people. So I just press my cheek against the cold glass and enthusiastically watch the nature outside, illuminated by the dying sun.

Read my notes and more chapters here AO3

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#shatter me again #aaron warner #juliette ferrars #shatter me #shatter me series #warnette #ella sommers #ao3 fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #adam kent

[thelifeofnosilla]

Saturday, October 22nd

Hello there,

So I noticed that it has been exactly one month since I have posted on here. Is this why my mind is lingering and the urge to write fell upon me at 11pm at night? To be honest I cannot sleep, but I mean it is early for someone who lives in NYC. My partner has a new job and so he is already sleeping by this time. I mean that was my plan to right? To be on this entire routine? WELL, here we go again. That routine no longer exists, I lost 10 pounds to begin to gain it all over again. I do not even need to get on the scale, I can feel it in my body. Plus I have been eating so bad that I just feel terrible in general. I clearly have something mentally wrong with my brain, which I have always known but I keep falling back into the same habits. I need to really find some control over myself and get in together. I scroll on Instagram all day and I do not understand how I am even ok with looking how I look, knowing how unhappy I am.

Ugh, I feel like writing this post today seems so dark but that is just how I feel. I am back in a bad place that I only put myself into. I need to bounce back and get it together. This is why I wanted to be in a routine and I wanted to write everyday, even if it was to say I am ok because holding up for a month with my thoughts just is not the way to go. The good thing is that when I am on here, I just let myself write everything that I am feeling. I was watching The Luckiest Girl Alive on Netflix today and the best advice I ever heard was to write as if no one you know was reading it, that is when you do your best writing. I guess having this blog was the best thing I ever did for myself. I just need to take more advantage of it.

I do not really know what is going on with me but I guess I am in a weird place in life and instead of going after what makes me happy of controlling what I can control, I seem to do the opposite. I told my partner that everything would change once I got our own place and now we have been here for almost 4 years and nothing has really changed for me, other than the fact that I feel the freedom of being in my own space. I mean let me rewind here, honestly a lot has clearly changed in my life, I have a good job, we have our own space, I am more at peace with myself and can have time to myself to just think BUT I did not do anything about my weight or taking care of myself. The self sabotaging does not stop and I do not think it matters where I am. I wanted to move into this new apartment because it mostly had a gym in the building and I told myself it would push me to work out, but would it? I lock myself in this apartment and sometimes I do not even want to go up and down the stairs. Should I do therapy? Maybe but I do not feel like I am ready for that, maybe I am scared or maybe I just do not want to talk about the traumas in my life. One thing I do know is that I am 30 years old and I want better in life.

Everything I write, I always say that my mind starts to linger and it is right now. Thinking about my relationship and if my partner is even happy with me. Sometimes I feel like I am worried about everyone else and never myself. He has even said it himself. I think that if he saw me worried about myself, he would honestly be happier. Happier to be with someone who actually cares about themselves. I have been saying this out loud lately to some friends that I feel like I pulled him back from having a better life than the one he has now and knowing that I have not even tried. So many times he has told me, just save, please just save your money and I cannot even do that. I know that I need to be better and I am going to be. I am going to work on it. I know that I can be better but I have to put in the work. That is the other thing, I do not put in work into anything. Doing something for 1-2 weeks is not putting in work, it is about being consistent. Either way I know that I can be better and I need to make sure I do that.

I should definitely go to sleep soon and take in that tomorrow is a new day to work towards a better me. I hope that as I come on here and write, that I find growth in myself.

I should hopefully find myself back on here tomorrow, if not, definitely Monday for sure as I hop back into my weekly routine. I want to start moving with intention and doing things intentionally in my life.

Goodnight you beautiful people. 🥰