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paxtonbirthstory · 9 months

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August 11th -- Happy birthday, Paxton

I woke up around 3AM feeling a little crampy. Not anything too bad, but enough to wake me up. I fell back asleep but still had the feeling when I woke up that morning. I also had a little bit of blood on the toilet paper, so I started to get a little concerned. (Ok, a lot concerned.)

I called the OBGYN department and told them what was going on to see if I should go to Labor & Delivery instead of my normal NST appointment that morning. The nurse went to talk to a doctor and came back on the phone to say I should probably get checked out, but the L&D unit is really full today, so I should probably go to the Woodland Hills Kaiser instead of my normal Sunset location -- just in case. They wouldn't want me to be stuck waiting in a hallway on the unlikely chance I was going into labor.

I said ok, hung up, and immediately started crying. I do not want to have this baby away from my doctors who know all the shit this kid and I have been through. Frank calms me down and says we're just getting checked out, it will be fine.

So I drove myself up to a foreign hospital.

When I got to the area, I navigated my way through the parking garage -- circling up to the top floor. How was I ever going to remember where I parked over here? I took a picture and tried to figure out where Labor & Delivery was.

I went through an outdoor Covid line and was pointed in the direction of L&D.

I kept thinking everyone probably thought I was just visiting because I still wasn't hugely pregnant. I was only 35 weeks along with a small baby. I haven't even taken bump pictures!

When I got to the front desk, I told them I was cramping and spotting and gave them the quick rundown. I really just wanted an NST and to be told all was good and it's time to go home.

They set me up in a room and had me change into a gown -- I think. I can't remember when I was given a gown since I'm usually in my normal clothes for the NST. And not thinking about it, I was already in my own room which is different from normal too. Hmm... I sent Frank a picture of me in the gown with a "sigh" at 11AM.

Anyway -- they hooked baby up to the monitors and two nurses kept coming in to check on me. At one point, the newer nurse couldn't find the heartbeat, which isn't uncommon because babies move. She called in another nurse who had me flip from one side to the other and before I knew it, they had pushed a button on the wall, put an oxygen mask on me and another nurse was coming at me with an IV. I start crying immediately thinking this was the moment I lose my baby.

Next thing I know, I'm on all fours waiting to hear a sound on the monitors, nothing. So they start to flip me again and a nurse is yelling "needle! needle!" The nurse with the IV backs up as they untangle all the monitor wires wrapped around me and then we get a heartbeat. It strengthens and some of the nurses leave. They tell me dad should try to get here soon because we don't want that to happen again. The heartbeat is there, but it had dipped to 60 when it should be around 140+.

Frank gets stuck in the Covid line trying to park and I tell him we're just waiting on him and they will be delivering the baby. This was not the plan! Frank can't wrap his head around the fact that the baby is actually coming...now.

When he gets to the room, there is confusion about my blood thinner shot I took that morning. There is a young doctor telling us I'm going to have to be put all the way under -- which I definitely don't want, so I argue that the other doctor said I was fine, so now everyone is double checking everything.

Turns out, they are going to knock me out completely and Frank can't come in for the birth of our son anymore.

Being put to sleep and never waking up to see Quinley again has been one of my worst nightmares since hearing about thei baby's complications. I am terrified as I'm being wheeled into the operating room. They start taking all my jewelry off and one of my nurses -- I will never forget -- holds my head in her hands, looking at me upside down and says, "We've got you. You are going to be ok." This calms me a little bit and they put the mask on my face to go to sleep. I can still hear all the chaos around me as I lose consciousness.

***

When I open my eyes, I'm lost and can't really remember where I was, but they hand me a baby and I just grab him and start crying. I can't believe he's actually here. No tubes, no wires, just so so tiny. 4 lbs tiny.

I just keep asking if he can stay with us and "is he ok?" His breathing is a little labored, but he's great.

Once we get to our room, our nurse says she's a little concerned about his breathing and wants to take him to the NICU to get checked. Of course, we are fine with this -- I'm almost relieved because I still don't believe he's totally fine after the pregnancy we've had.

So of course he gets admitted up there and they want to give him some oxygen to help him breath easier. I am told to sleep and Frank has to check on Quinley -- who, by the way, had to be picked up from school early because the school had Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease all over and they closed early. They will stay closed the next day. While I was in surgery, Frank had to arrange for our neighbor, Amy, to pick her up. Insanity!

The next 3 days were spent healing, pumping, and visiting the little guy in the NICU. It is so hard to see him on a feeding tube with a tiny little oxygen tube in his nose and wires all over his body. But he is so strong -- each day he progresses.

First day, he's regulating his body temp....next, he's breathing Room Air...then finally, they can take the feeding tube out. I was actually pumping and starting to get some milk to give to him...we were looking pretty good on the Paxton front.

Me on the other hand....

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servin-up-surveys · 1 year

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survey #096

(taken january 1st; uploading surveys taken while gone)

What is the best part of your life? I don't like that this is my answer, but Girt. Still working on my favorite part of my life being just myself and who I am and stuff...

Do you care about gun laws? I care VERY fucking much about gun laws and how fucking necessary it is to make firearms SO much less accessible.

Would you ever consider getting a facial piercing? I've had multiple and want to get my nostril re-pierced. Possibly some around my eye area IF I ever don't need glasses at some point in the future, but this is insanely unlikely because I hate contacts and don't care enough to get lasik surgery.

Do you listen to '80s metal? Haha hell yeah, '80s metal has a special place in my heart. I'm not as into classic rock/metal as I was in high school, but I absolutely still do love it and will happily listen to it.

Do you like acoustic or electric guitar better? Electric, absolutely. I just LOVE the sound of an electric guitar, mmf.

What was the last major city you visited? Raleigh.

Have you taken a painkiller today? Yes actually, I've been having tooth pain since my dentist appointment a good few days back and eventually really needed something.

Have you ever had a pumpkin latte and if so, did you like it? Nope, I hate coffee and I hate anything pumpkin-flavored.

Are you currently in a relationship? If so, do you think it will last? Yes, and complete, total honesty, yes, I do.

Have you ever been camping in the wilderness? No. I'd be totally willing to in an RV or something, but not a basic tent; I'd honestly be too nervous and also I know EXTREMELY uncomfortable, I don't handle being down on the floor well *at all* with my current physical shape.

Did your parents go to college? If so, what did they study? My dad didn't; I actually don't think he even finished high school? Mom did, for social work, but of course her cancer and Covid stopped her from getting a chance to intern somewhere and eventually get a job, even though she got her degree... That remains such, such a sore spot for her, and it breaks my heart. I just can't imagine being so close to what you wanted and then circumstances outside your control just ruin it.

Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Haha honestly probably the original Silent Hill. The first time I played it with Jason, it twisted my mind into fuckin knots and it took a loooot of online reading and video-watching to make sense of it. I was hooked immediately.

Would you pay if your dog needed an operation? In the hypothetical situation that I had the money to save Cookie, of course I would. My mom loves her so much.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen in a grocery store? A big container of literal fursuit heads lmfao, Wal-Mart is a lawless wasteland

Have you ever met any bands/band members before? No.

What states have you been to in the past year? I never left NC.

Have you ever fostered an animal? No, but it's a dream to rescue and raise an opossum one day.

Who did you last talk to in Facebook chat? Girt, very briefly. He just sent me a video.

What do you think of guys wearing colored skinny jeans? Guys, and everyone else, can wear whatever the fuck they want.

Would you ever get blonde highlights? Nah.

Will you go to your high school reunion? Hell no.

What animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have? Well for the most part my mom has been very accepting of letting me adopt the pets I want so long as it's a reasonable time and we can provide for it, but there's one type of pet I've desperately wanted for multiple years now, tarantulas, but she absolutely refuses to let me have any while I live with her, lol.

Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe? Yup, most strongly the last time I was at the psych hospital. There was a man that regularly acted EXTREMELY predatory and I could not fucking believe how lenient the staff was at just letting him do his creepy fucking thing. I finally snapped the last day I was there because of this guy and sincerely feared I was about to be assaulted.

What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I have no idea; I have fevers so incredibly rarely.

One thing you promised yourself you’d never do and then did? Be able to love anybody again after Jason. I was so, so, so fucking positive that it was absolutely impossible.

Have you ever had to call 911? Twice for my mom, yes. I feel like I may be forgetting a third instance...

Do you get along with your significant other’s friends? To be honest I don't know many of his current friends; we had a lot of mutual friends in HS, but both of us have really drifted away from them. His best friend Taylor currently lives with him, whom I've met before and gotten on with fine, but we don't really interact much; even at Girt's house, he has his own room and does his own thing in there most of the time. I've sorta interacted with some gaming friends of his before, and apparently they really like me and I think they seem nice too, so I guess you could say I do "get along" with them.

Are you one of those people who will not use a public washroom? I try VERY hard not to, but if not going is seriously going to impact my comfort, then yes I'm going to use one.

What is something that you do often with your family? Nothing, honestly...

Do you enjoy the sound of crickets at night and birds in the morning? YES!!!

Do you need a haircut? I'm ready for a trim, yes. I know I'm ready once my hair starts regularly tickling my neck.

What is the most expensive gift you have ever given someone? The promise ring I got Sara LMFAO oops, that was a terrible choice

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yes, I know I have with Summer as well as once with Jason on my 16th birthday.

Do you feel bad when you kill bugs? Yes. I try to avoid killing them.

Do you like animal print things? I don't.

Do you have any pets that you had since you were born? Oh definitely not. The dog my parents had when I was born died before I was even one, I think. I have zero memories of her.

Are all your pets micro chipped? I highly doubt Crystal ever micro-chipped Cookie, seeing as she came with her collar. Roman also isn't; he wears a collar, too. Venus is a snake so obviously this doesn't apply to her. ... Unless snakes can be micro-chipped?? idk

Would you ever cope in a jail? No; full transparency, I would kill myself, and I know that with pretty much absolute certainty.

Have you ever seen an alligator in person? Yes; multiple times at the zoo and at least once in the wild, though I'm pretty much positive it was an alligator that escaped the local (and very nearby) zoo that had recently been destroyed by Hurricane Floyd.

Are you a liberal? I honestly don't know if that titles totally fits me, but I can tell you I am way, way more politically left than anywhere near right.

Were you fearless or a coward in the face of the child hunter in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? OH MY GOOOOOOOD I forgot about him, he absolutely scared me, lol.

Did you ever hit anything while learning to drive? I wish I was exaggerating, but I IMMEDIATELY hit a curb. In the fucking parking lot where I started, lmfao.

Have you or a pet ever gotten a tapeworm? *I* would rather fucking die than have a tapeworm; when I was younger, I was always SO paranoid I'd somehow gotten one. I've always been absolutely petrified of internal parasites. I've never had a pet with one, either. Thank fucking god because I would puke.

Do you know any furries? Yes; the roommates Jason and I housed with in the apartment were both furries. Jacob is still my friend (at least, we're on each other's FBs and will rarely interact), but he broke up with Amanda maaaaany years ago, and I never spoke to her afterwards.

Do you snore? Steal the covers? Roll around in your sleep? I rarely snore, but I know I do move a lot and absolutely steal the covers; Girt is also a blanket hog though so I'm very thankful I got a bigger comforter for Christmas, haha.

Is the lion the best character in The Wizard of Oz? I think I liked the scarecrow most.

Would you immediately look for someone right after you broke up with your bf/gf? No; it would absolutely take a lot of time to get over Girt.

Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? I've researched them to some extent, yes.

Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? I am the most bottom motherfucker you will ever meet so do the math lmfao BUT I will add there is absolutely such a thing as being too aggressive to where I'm not into it.

Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? No. I only "help" my mom watch my sister's kids because she's the primary caregiver and the one who really handles things. I'm just there to engage with the kids when they want to.

Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? Well we haven't been friends for many years, but I thought Colleen's father-in-law was SUPER fucking creepy, and turns out he had gross sexual tendencies anyway.

Who did you last have over your house, and why were they there? Tobey came for dinner a few nights ago.

Recently, who in your house has gotten on your nerves the most? I only live with my mom, and we've been doing fine. She got under my skin last night, but I'm over it.

Ever kissed a friend’s crush? No.

If something was wrong who is the first girl you would go to? My mom.

What do you dislike about your smile? I feel like my eyes squint too much and I just look high.

Have you ever kissed in the snow? I don't believe I have.

Have you ever liked a football player? No. Jocks have never been my thing.

Has the last person you kissed taken their shirt off in front of you? Yeah.

Are you good at hiding your feelings? NO.

When was your first kiss? It was like a month into me being 16.

What’s your most popular post? On my old Tumblr it would pretty much definitely be the gif I made of Markiplier and his dog Chica that basically went viral in the fanbase.

Is anyone in your family over six feet tall? I'm quite positive my brother is, at least. Maybe my dad, idk.

Has anyone lost their virginity to you? No.

What improvement would be the most beneficial to your life right now? My legs recovering would probably be it. It severely affects so many areas of my life. I'm finally getting better about using the bike, though...

Have you ever merged finances with a significant other? No.

What’s the least amount you’ve weighed since reaching your full height? Uh, somewhere around 120, which I woulda fucking killed to be again for years until I semi-recently learned my very base adult weight is like 160; going below that would, for my basic body composition, be emaciation. How the hell a scale told the doctor that, I don't know, I just trust them with the explanation that the scale was thousands of dollars and just super advanced.

What were your high school’s team colors? Red and white.

Who were your best friends in high school? Jason, Hannia, Girt, Summer... I had a good number of close friends.

Have you ever been to Chicago? If yes, what do you like best about it? Once, when I visited Sara. It was just so, SO different from what I'm used to; I don't generally like cities, but visiting one briefly was nevertheless super cool. I just liked all the lights and activity, and seeing how tall the Willis Tower really is. Like even craning your neck fully back, you can't see the top.

Are you close with your cousins? Nope.

Are you close to any aunts or uncles? Also no, not really.

What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? Uh, probably swim if a pool was available and it was a good time of year. I liked doing a variety of things, like playing pretend, too.

Does your town have a big fountain in it? Yeah, we have a city park not far from here that has a fountain in the lake.

What’s your favorite rock band? SOBS Rammstein if that's the genre you wanna put 'em in.

Who’s your favorite country singer? I tend to like Tim McGraw songs, but I think Carrie Underwood has the best voice out of the country vocalists I've heard.

Has your hair color changed since you were a toddler? Yes; my hair was dirty blonde as a kid.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal questions

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dwarfysays · 1 year

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2/25/23 Saturday

My mom has been in hospice care at home for almost 2 years. When the hospice care started, the doctor said she had weeks or months to live. She has stage 4 terminal lung cancer.

She had defied the predicted life expectancy. That may be a testament to the level of care she had received from my youngest sister “C”. C and her family had been living with our parents for several months after leaving a house they were renting. C had taken in the care of our elderly parents. My brother “P”, sister “N” and I have helped when we could. The bulk of the work landed on C’s shoulders though. C had too much stress from her job as well, she had to quit. It would have been impossible to work and care for both parents.

Mom had a sharp decline in her health during the COVID crisis, mere weeks after receiving the vaccine. The lung cancer was discovered during her last hospital stay. All treatments were not possible due to here failing kidneys and the type of lung cancer. So mom was switched to hospice care. Everything has been done to keep Mom alive and as comfortable as possible. For months she seemed stable with very slow rate of decline.

In December both parents were struck with RSV. My father recovered, but not entirely sure about my mom. She might have sustained some damage from that virus. Then 2 weeks ago, both parents contracted COVID. My mom and dad had started coughing. My sister got them both on antivirals as quickly as possible. My father has recovered to baseline, but Mom is failing.

Yesterday, we face-timed with the hospice nurse who said the end is near for my mom. We each including my kids A and G left work early to be by her side. Mom continues to hang on. we each left the house as she apparently may make it through the night.

I’m troubled by the fact that my sister will still take her son to his games “like normal” while the rest of us were “expected to drop everything” yesterday for our dying mother. Well, she’s still hanging on and may very well pass while in my and A’s care today. Why did C not cancel put on a bball game? Did she want to maintain normalcy for her kids as Gma lay dying in a rented hospital bed at home? If it were me, I would say “fuck the bball game” and stay with Mom. But that’s just me. Maybe C continues to need a break from the hospice parents no matter how dire things are for one of them. I understand C needing a break, some rest. I even took Tuesday off so C could get some desperately needed sleep. I wish I could give her more time to rest, but my job has important tasks.

I feel like it isn’t fair for our parents to put us through this. They told C that it is traditionally the youngest daughter’s responsibility to care for the elderly parents. I tried to research that claim and found nothing. I feel like that’s bullshit. But what if they were in a senior assisted living home? How long would they actually have lived? Would it have been shorter?

My mom could pass now, later on today, or maybe much later. Right now, I don’t know if she is still alive. How is my dad with her on the precipice of death? Would he be too scared, stressed, depressed? What about him? How is he going to be once she passes? I’m worried for him too.

A and I are going to be there at 9AM. A is scared about Gma dying in front of her. We are all scared of her dying, but it’s inevitable. We have to accept it. Mom has to accept it. But does she? She has death phobia. Don’t we all to some extent?

My mom passed away later on this day at 3PM. I was eating a late lunch in the living room starting at 2:45. Mom was in a hospital bed in her bedroom. Before I left her to have lunch, her eyes were open, still breathing but not responding to my voice. She had been ignoring my sister earlier that day. So I thought it was the same deal. At about 3:15 I went to check on her. She was very quiet, very still. I tried to nudge her, no response. No breath sounds, no movement. I could not find a pulse. Mom had passed away at about 3. My dad was distraught and crying out to mom.

I called my siblings. They all came and we all mourned and cried.

She’s gone. She’s really gone.

#parents #aging parents #my parents #death and dying #terminallyillparents

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theoriginalladya · 2 years

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Is 2022 over yet?

Almost three weeks ago, my father entered the hospital with what they thought was pneumonia. Turns out, that isn't what it was. We're still not sure WHAT it is, exactly, but he's been slowly deteriorating. He's been in ICU and on a ventilator for two and a half weeks. Today, we all had a conversation with his attending physician. They haven't given up hope yet, and they are actually checking into something for us, but as it stands right now, next week we will likely have to make a very tough decision.

My dad used to teach law. He retired a few years ago. Told me he was going to live to 100 with his girlfriend and they were going to do some travelling. He was gathering together all the photos he's taken over the last 50+ years and making digital copies for me and my two brothers. When I was younger, he was my softball coach (god how I hated that, but without him we wouldn't have had a team). When I finally had enough of my boss at the end of last year, he was the one I called to talk over whether or not I should leave and what steps I should take. We are very much alike - in looks, to some point in personalities - and we are both stubborn as hell. We clashed. We laughed. We cried.

Next week, I am likely going to lose my dad. Five years ago, give or take a week or two, I lost my mom. My brothers and I aren't close - we never have been, and we live thousands of miles apart in two different countries.

My dad was going to live to 100. He isn't even going to make 80. Losing mom was difficult because we were finally getting close when she got sick. Losing dad is going to be worse in some ways, I think. I'm going to be alone - my worst nightmare come true. I have my son, and I do have my Ex (he's been very supportive through this, thank goodness).

In September 2020 when I got COVID, I remember being annoyed by him texting me everyday. Can you breathe okay? How are you feeling? Do you need to go to the doctor or the hospital? Do you have a fever?

I'm just rambling at this point, I guess. Trying to find a way through this. Thank GOD for internet friends! Or, as @shadoedseptmbr has taught me to call them, 'pocket friends'. I don't know what I'd do without you all right now! Knowing you're out there, even if it's just in passing - liking posts, reading stories, ooohing and ahhhing over arts - whatever the reason, you guys make me smile and I need that right now. At the moment, I'm as okay as I can be. I'm trying to lose myself in characters and story ideas and fantasy worlds so that I can cope with everything. Not a perfect solution, but a solution that works at the moment.

Dad isn't gone yet - I know that - and until he is, I'm going to hope, no matter how little chance there might be, that something turns it around, that he gets his miracle. And if not? Well, I can be content that he and mom will be together again. They were married for 53 years, together for 56 before cancer took her. He was devastated by her loss. So, there is some happiness to be found in all of this, I suppose. If you look at things a certain way.

#ladya rambles #personal ramblings #tw: talk of death #tw: talk of illness #tw: medical talk #personal loss

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twoflipstwotwists · 3 years

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It’s a late afternoon in April, and Sunisa “Suni” Lee is where most people find themselves a year into the pandemic: Home, in a sweatshirt, talking into a webcam. The 18-year-old gymnast is poised to make history at the summer Olympics, but over Zoom, she’s just like any teenager, reflecting on everything she’s balancing behind the scenes.

While training for a wildly unpredictable Games, Lee has been caring for her recently paralyzed father, mourning the deaths of her aunt and uncle from COVID, and recovering from a broken foot that jeopardized her lifelong dream to win gold. Now Lee, whose parents emigrated from Laos, is also fighting to qualify as the first-ever Hmong American Olympic gymnast—all while her community contends with a national surge in anti-Asian violence. “People hate on us for no reason,” Lee says from her parents’ house in St. Paul, Minnesota. “It would be cool to show that we are more than what they say. I don’t know how to explain that...”

Lee’s father inches his wheelchair closer into the Zoom screen, and answers for her. “It would be the greatest accomplishment of any Hmong person in the U.S. ever,” he says. “It will go down in history.”

Before the Tokyo Olympics were postponed in March 2020, Lee’s family was preparing for the trip of a lifetime. Though she hadn’t actually made the team yet, her parents John Lee and Yeev Thoj had no doubts. They bought plane tickets to watch their daughter compete, and planned to celebrate afterward with a trip to Laos to show Lee and her siblings where they grew up. Both John and Yeev are Hmong, an ethnic group made of people primarily from Southeast Asia and areas in China who fought alongside the U.S. in the Vietnam War. After losing most of their land in the war, many Hmong fled to Thailand as refugees. By the late ‘70s and ‘80s, around 90 percent of the refugee population had resettled in the U.S., where there are now 18 Hmong clans, the largest residing in Minneapolis-St. Paul.

Lee describes her community there as “really close.” More than 300 people come to her family’s annual camping trip, and she can’t go to a local Asian store without someone asking after her dad. She has become something of a local celebrity herself. At Hmong events, Lee gets stopped for photos by people who tell her how proud they are. “It’s nice knowing I have them to fall back on,” she says. “The support is amazing.”

But last May, just two months before the Olympic opening ceremony was originally scheduled to take place, Lee’s family and the rest of the Twin Cities Hmong community found themselves thrust into the national conversation over race and policing. Kellie Chauvin, the now ex-wife of Derek Chauvin, the officer who murdered George Floyd, is Hmong American. So is Tou Thao, another officer on the scene who is set to stand trial in August on charges of aiding and abetting second-degree murder and aiding and abetting second-degree manslaughter in connection to Floyd’s murder. As part of the ensuing protests, several nearby Hmong American businesses were vandalized. John says it got “scary” when several homes on their block were broken into.

“I was trying to make the Hmong community more known,” Lee says. “When that happened, I felt like it was a setback.”

Lee’s journey to the Olympics started with a lumpy mattress and a piece of plywood. Her parents were eager to preoccupy their energetic, gymnastics-obsessed seven-year-old, and a balance beam seemed like the perfect distraction. John built a four-foot-long structure from a spare mattress that, to his credit, still stands in their yard today. He also taught Lee, who’s one of six kids, how to do flips on the bed.

By then, Lee had captured the attention of Jess Graba, a coach at Midwest Gymnastics. “It was super raw and she was just a little kid, but she had some talent,” Graba says, remembering when they met. “Her flips were kind of crazy—she had been practicing in her yard—and she clearly had some ability to go upside down without fear.”

In 2016 when she was 14, Lee was named to the U.S. junior national team, and it became clear Graba could be coaching one of the next great American gymnasts. They traveled around the world together for competitions, and by 2018, Lee had won a gold medal on uneven bars at the National Championships. Five-time Olympic medalist Nastia Liukin, Lee’s longtime hero, took notice of the high-flying athlete. “Her abilities as a gymnast, especially her bar routine, are incredible,” Liukin tells ELLE. “But it’s the unparalleled mental strength that she has shown during the most difficult time of her life that make her the person she is.”

Just two days before the 2019 National Championships, John fell from a ladder while trimming a tree. He was paralyzed from the chest down. At the time, Graba thought Lee shouldn’t compete out of concern for her safety: A distracted athlete is a danger to themselves because they are much more likely to lose focus and get injured. It would have been a devastating end to a decade of training, as nationals are like an unofficial pre-qualifier for the Olympic Games. But John remained confident in his daughter’s ability to compete under pressure. Before Lee stepped onto the mat, they FaceTimed and he advised her to clear her mind—and remember to have fun. “She can stay focused when she puts her mind to it,” he says.

As John watched the competition from his hospital bed, beaming with pride, Lee won the silver in all-around competition, nailing one of the hardest bar routines in the world. One month later, at the U.S. World Championships selection camp, she came within four-tenths of a point of beating Simone Biles in the all-around—the closest anyone has come to Biles in years—and landed one step closer to fulfilling her Olympic dream.

In March 2020, Lee was scrolling through Twitter after practice when she saw the news: The Olympics were postponed, for the first time in modern history, due to COVID. Lee wiped tears away with chalky hands as years of carefully laid plans were thrown into limbo. “To have that taken away from us without having any control is very hard,” she says. “I went through a depressed phase, and it was hard to get out of.”

For weeks Lee could do little more than sleep and cry. Her gym was closed for three months— practically an eternity in the unforgiving timeline of an elite gymnast. When it did reopen in June, Lee broke her foot, meaning three more months of downtime. “If you were 100 percent ready for the 2020 Olympics, then you’re spending the year going, ‘Let’s just not get injured. Let’s just not make any mistakes,’” Graba says.

Lee found an unexpected source of comfort in Biles, who went from being her biggest competition to one of her closest friends after they competed in 2019. “She was there for me,” Lee says. During lockdown, they Snapchatted and texted—two of the only people in the world who truly understood the gut-punch of waiting another year for the Games to begin.

Then, as the country continued to face rising COVID rates in summer 2020, Lee’s own family was devastated by the virus. Her aunt and uncle—close family members who babysat her as a kid—both died of COVID less than two weeks apart. Lee’s uncle, a Hmong shaman, had helped heal her hurt foot with hot ginger and other herbal medicines. Like so many others did during the pandemic, Lee said goodbye over Zoom.

As the nation slowly starts to heal, so has Lee. She can now spot small silver linings from the past year, like spending more time with her siblings and driving her dad to doctor’s appointments, which she calls “good for me mentally, because typically I’m never with them.” It has taken months and months to get back to the peak shape she was in pre-pandemic, but now it’s full steam ahead. The U.S. Championships are the first week of June, and the Olympic trials are later that month. Lee says the extra year has strengthened her performance on the uneven bars and made her more consistent overall. “I just didn’t want to see myself fall back,” she says. “I don’t want to disappoint my coaches or my parents.”

Still, a spot on the team isn’t guaranteed. For the first time in history, U.S. women’s gymnastics has only four open spots (down from five at the 2016 Games), one of which will almost definitely go to Biles. At this point, it might be harder for a U.S. gymnast to make the Olympic team than it is to actually win a medal once they’re there.

Unsurprisingly, none of this seems to phase Lee. She is no stranger to finding the best version of herself under intense circumstances—the version that wins medals, defies gravity, and advocates for her community. Before falling asleep at night, she visualizes herself sticking a perfect landing and coming home as the first Hmong American Olympic gymnastics champion. History made.

#sunisa lee #i want nothing but good things for her

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jazy3 · 3 years

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Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X15

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Wow! A lot happened in this episode. It was billed as Jackson’s goodbye episode, but it turned out to be so much more than that. Meredith got discharged and was reunited with her kids, Tom decided to move to Boston to work for Jackson, and we got the show’s first Indigenous doctor and patient storyline! I honestly think Jackson’s farewell was really well done! While it’s true he could do the work he wants to do just as easily from Seattle everything else about his exit makes sense to me. He’s tired of sitting on the sidelines and he wants to make real change where he can.

I loved his conversation with Meredith and how he was the one to sneak her out. I loved Meredith's voice over for this episode and how it followed Jackson's actions and the flashback montage set to music. I thought it was fitting. I would have liked him to have said goodbye to Ben because they were the Plastics Posse until he left to become a firefighter but apart from that I was happy with it. The character has come such a long way during his run on the show and I feel like this episode reflected that.

The editing was really well done too. Especially the shot of him overlooking the lobby. That transition was seamless. I loved his goodbye scene with Meredith. It made me so emotional. I love that Meredith tried to lighten the mood by making a joke about how she won because she's the last one standing. That scene when she hugged the pillow after he left because she misses him and everyone else really got me. I also really liked the conversation he had with Bailey and Richard.

I'm glad he said a proper goodbye to Jo although I didn't find it super emotional. In addition to Ben, I would also like to have seen a goodbye with Maggie. I'm surprised they didn't do that. Maggie was so focused on Meredith's recovery that it's not clear if she even knows that Jackson is moving to Boston. They also could have done a big emotional scene with Catherine. On a lighter note, I am so happy that Meredith is doing better for real this time and has been discharged! I've been waiting for this since the mid-season point.

I loved the scene where she was reunited with her kids and Amelia was panicking about the state of the house and Meredith told her it was fine and that was just how she liked it. Meredith getting Jackson to sneak her out of the hospital felt very in character to me. As her voice over says Meredith isn't one for tradition or big hullabaloos which is why I think the others tried to keep it a secret. I'm not surprised that she ducked out early. While I get why the other characters wanted to do a big send off for her, I feel like they should know by now that's not her style.

I loved the scene where Amelia and Link found out Meredith might be coming home, and they hugged and then Link said he had to go to work and Amelia started crying and then asked why he was still there. Link was so confused and then Amelia told him she’d be crying off and on like that all day to get her emotions out and that she’d be fine and he needed to go to work. That is so Amelia! But in a good way. Post-tumour and with her addiction under control even in a pandemic Amelia is now able to express her emotions in a healthy way so she doesn’t relapse or spin out of control. That is such huge growth for her. I loved the scene at the end with her and Meredith.

The smile that they share. The look between them. You could see early seasons Private Practice Amelia in that look but also mature and stable new Amelia. I loved that Amelia was all worried about the state of the house and Meredith was fine with it being a mess because as a working Mom she knows what it’s like and all she wanted was to be at home with her kids in her messy house.

At the end of the episode we find out that Tom’s near death experience with COVID has caused him to re-evaluate his life. He feels lucky to have lived to have been spared and he wants to help Jackson make real change in Boston. On the one hand I was surprised by Tom’s exit, but on the other hand I wasn’t. I love Tom and will truly miss his character, but ever since the affair came out and he and Teddy split and she started working on trying to repair her relationship with Owen, Tom hasn't had a lot to do.

I'm sad they didn't do more with him because he's such a great and complex character and I know some people had speculated they might pair him up with Mama Ortiz which could have been interesting. I'm sad we didn't get to see him say goodbye to Amelia, Link, Teddy, Catherine, or Meredith. Tom and Amelia are old friends, he trained her, he took out her brain tumour, and she rushed to the hospital when she heard he had been admitted for COVID-19.

Tom and Link seemed to be getting along as of late and Tom was ready to be a father to Teddy's baby before she got back together with Owen. He found her the perfect apartment and he built a crib for a child that wasn’t biologically his that he was so excited to meet and be a Dad to. All this after his own son died and his marriage collapsed as a result. He treated her like gold and she’s done nothing but treat him horribly for no reason. I don't think I’ll ever forgive Teddy for that.

Catherine and Tom are also old friends that go back even farther. She appointed him as Chief Medical Officer of the Fox Foundation. She told him about DeLuca’s death and took him to the Memorial. When Richard was sick, she told him she wanted him to take over the Foundation in her absence. Tom and Meredith had such an emotional scene earlier this season and he's been praying for her every day. Does she know that? Does Meredith know that Tom has been praying for her and worrying about her? I was expecting a follow up scene to that, so I hope we get one.

I found the patient storyline that Tom, Levi, and Indigenous intern James Chee had really moving. Grey's has never had an Indigenous patient or doctor on the show before and while the dialogue did feel heavy handed at times, they brought some really important issues to light and were trying to make up for lost time so that’s understandable.

Robert I. Mesa who plays Dr. Chee is Navajo Soboba and the patients that they treat at Coast Salish whose traditional territory encompasses the province of British Columbia, Canada and the states of Washington and Oregon in the United States. It’s really great to see an Indigenous actor bring stories about Indigenous characters to life in a realistic way for the same reason that it’s important to see black, brown, Asian, latinx, and LGBTQ+ actors bring stories about characters like themselves to life. It brings authenticity and ensures sure that white straight cisgender people aren’t taking roles away from people within those communities.

When I found out through Twitter that the show had cast its first Indigenous doctor, I was very excited. I work for an Indigenous organization currently and so Indigenous representation is an issue that is very near and dear to my heart. The first thing that came to mind for me was the Coast Salish artwork you see in the background of so many scenes of the show. From the show’s earliest seasons, you can see beautiful art pieces in red, blue, and black depicting fish, birds, and other animals on the walls of the hospital and in people’s offices.

Yet it is never addressed or mentioned that that is Coast Salish artwork. In order for it to be there someone from the art department must have travelled to Seattle to buy some local artwork to put up around the hospital. While that’s great for making the hospital look authentic to the area by not mentioning its origins or the fact that Indigenous people exist for 16 seasons does all Indigenous people a disservice. Indigenous people are not stereotypes or tokens or simply makers of pretty pictures.

Every group has their own culture, artwork, language, and traditions. I’m glad that Grey’s Anatomy is finally acknowledging the existence of Indigenous Americans and the fact that Indigenous people exist and continue to exist despite repeated ruthless attempts to murder and assimilate them. This is a huge problem in the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and other nations. While in the last few years Indigenous issues have gotten greater coverage in Canadian media there isn’t as much media coverage of Indigenous issues in the United States.

I love that Tom and Levi treated both the pregnant woman and her grandfather with respect and dignity and didn't dismiss their concerns or mock their traditions. I love that Tom actually had some knowledge of smudging ceremonies and that he referred to Dr. Chee respectfully when needed and allowed him to perform a smudging ceremony for the grandfather. When the pregnant patient’s husband thanks them and says that in the past they haven’t had great experiences in big hospitals that is unfortunately a sad reality for many.

Like other people of people and other marginalized and oppressed groups the concerns of Indigenous patients are often not taken seriously, and they often encounter racism that leads to poorer treatment and death. When the pregnant patient talks about how their centres are under resourced and that they were sent body bags instead of medical supplies that is a real thing. The Trump Administration actually did that in the States and the Harper Government here in Canada did that during the H1N1 Epidemic.

Thankfully, here in Canada the COVID-19 Pandemic response of the Trudeau Government has been worlds better. No sending of body bags and instead medical supplies and lots of relief money has been given to Indigenous organizations like mine to help real people. Indigenous Canadians have also been given priority status for vaccinations and as a result people are alive today that would have died previously. Now that’s not to say things are perfect here. There are still so many issues that need to be addressed including police violence, discrimination within the justice system, and the rate of missing and murdered Indigenous women. But at least some progress is being made.

The fact that they wrote Tom off reminded of an old adage about Grey’s Anatomy that I heard someone talking about at the start of this season which is that if there isn’t anyone significant for a character to date and you’re not an original character your days on the show are numbered. The fact that they wrote Tom off after putting Teddy and Owen back together makes me even more sure that Meredith and Hayes are going to end up together and that their relationship will be a key plot point of Season 18.

If that wasn’t the plan, I don’t think Hayes would still be there. There have been episodes this season where he has been very prominent, episodes where he’s been completely absent, and episodes like this one where he has a few short scenes. He wouldn’t still be there hanging around in the background if the plan wasn’t to set him up with Meredith. To me the only explanation that makes sense is that they are going to put Meredith and Hayes together hopefully before Season 17 ends.

Side note, I bet all of the actors who passed on being Meredith’s love interest or backed out for a movie or tv role on a newer show probably feel real dumb right now. Grey’s is about to go into its 18th season and Richard Flood who plays Hayes is getting paid mad bank whether he’s prominently in the episode or not! Plus, he slays that role. While the path they took to get here was bumpy I’m so glad that we got Hayes as a character and we’ve gotten to see his relationship with Meredith develop.

I would have loved to see more of Hayes this episode. I was expecting a scene in which he visited Meredith and I was a bit disappointed we didn’t get that. I get that the focus of the episode was on Jackson’s departure, Meredith being discharged, and Tom’s epiphany, but it would have been nice to see that. The scenes we did get were great! I love his dry sense of humour and his comments about Jo’s terrible handwriting.

My favourite moment of the episode was hands down when Hayes came to clap out Meredith with everyone else and then Perez came out and they realized that she had snuck out early and Hayes laughed and said, "Nice one Grey, Brillant!" And then he wished everyone a good night and headed out. If Meredith isn't there, he's out. He’s not even trying to hide his feelings for Meredith anymore. It’s an open secret that he likes her and is clearly smitten. Hell, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if the janitors have a group chat about it.

I love that he laughed about it like it was some big cosmic joke they were both in on. He knows her so well. Everyone else was confused and her sisters were worried when they didn’t hear from her, but Hayes wasn’t worried because he knew she’d snuck out the back and that someone must have helped her. Speaking of romance, I’m guessing that next season they will bring in a new Head of Plastic Surgery for Jo to date. I feel like they will have more luck finding someone than they did when they tried to hire a new love interest for Meredith over the last few years because right now work is scarce.

Also, in the romance department Teddy and Owen are back together. I'm happy for them, but other than that I don't really have any strong feelings about it. I am happy that they seem to be good and that the fighting and long-drawn-out drama is over. I've never been a ride or die Teddy and Owen shipper, so I don't feel an emotional rush seeing them back together. I loved Tom and Teddy together so I'm sorry that ended especially since Teddy and Owen have always been such a mess.

I think that they should have spent less time fighting and more time rebuilding their friendship before getting back together. We spent the first half of the season watching them fight non-stop and Owen made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Teddy ever again. Teddy treated Tom like crap while trying to win Owen back who clearly didn’t want her. While I’m glad they have reconciled, and the drama appears to be over I wish they had spent less time on the fighting and more time on exploring Teddy’s trauma and having them rebuild their friendship if that was the route they were going to go.

We also get more details about Maggie and Winston’s wedding this episode. I posited on Twitter a few days ago that I thought Maggie might ask both her dads Bill and Richard to walk her down the aisle as she'd want to include both of them in the ceremony. I think having Bill walk her down the aisle and Richard officiate is lovely. It reminds me of when Bailey stepped up to officiate Callie and Arizona's wedding.

I’d like to see more interactions between Meredith and Winston and Meredith and Link in the future as both men have become a part of the family largely while Meredith was sick so it would be great to see them get to know each other and bond. I really loved the scene between Winston, Link, and Owen where Winston was trying to figure out if Teddy and Owen were back together and Winston and Owen were teasing Link about the Sister House. It’s nice to see them all bond. It would be even better if they would all have more scenes with Hayes and for them to bond as well. I hope to see more of that next season.

I get why Link wants to get out of the Sister House, but I think he was a bit unrealistic about the situation. Meredith just got discharged. Amelia and Maggie aren’t going to want to leave her side until she tells them she’s ready and it’s okay for them to go and take a step back. I foresee them going with a hybrid approach next season where Maggie and Winston move to his place following the wedding and Link, Amelia, and Scout move to Link's place, but they still spend time at Meredith's house frequently. I imagine after being away from her kids for so long at some point Meredith is going to want her house back and to spend time alone with her kids.

I'm interested to see Meredith talk about her time on the beach in the upcoming episodes. Richard and Bailey were struggling to figure out how to tell her about DeLuca’s death but we the audience knew that Meredith already knew he had died. When she coded previously, and Ellis Grey passed away the first words out of her mouth were about her mother being dead. But here we see something different. When Meredith wakes up this season the first words out of her mouth are about how much she and Derek love Zola. She uses the word ‘we’ so the audience knows what she’s talking about, but the characters don’t.

It appears that at least a week has passed since the previous episode possibly two and we learn that Meredith hasn’t brought up her time on the beach or her visits from the dead to anyone. I think that she’s keeping that to herself for a few reasons. She didn’t want to leave the beach and telling that to the people who just spend the past three months trying desperately to save her life would probably come across as suicidal and upsetting. The conversations between her and Derek were personal and private, and she may not be ready to share them just yet.

Her conversations with George, Lexie, and Mark were also pretty personal so she might not be ready to talk about that either. In this episode we see her tell Bailey and Richard that DeLuca is okay because he’s with his mother. The scene cuts away, so we don’t know what else she tells them. Hopefully we’ll find out next week. My guess is that the first person she’ll talk to about the beach in the following episodes will be Hayes because he will understand her desire to stay because of how he lost his wife.

He won’t see her desire to stay on the beach as suicidal or crazy because he would probably think about doing the same thing if given the opportunity. We saw Meredith be really vulnerable with Hayes when she first got sick about her fears of dying and falling asleep. They’ve talked at length about their spouses and their past relationships in a way she hasn’t with other characters. I feel like he is the perfect person to talk to about what happened on the beach because he won’t judge Meredith or take her desire to stay personally.

They’ve already established that Hayes is a supportive and understanding person who is happy to sit there and listen to Meredith talk about her experience of dating after death and past relationships and so I think he’s someone Meredith can open to about what it was like to see Derek again, what it was like to realize her ex-boyfriend was dying, what is what like to get closure with George, and gain wisdom from Lexie and Mark. I’m hoping that will happen in next week’s episode and if not in the finale.

We saw Helm having a tough time this episode. I think Helm moving in with Levi and Jo is a good idea. I think it will give Helm the support she needs and I'm glad Levi is there for her. We haven't seen Jo and Helm interact much so far, so I'm interested to see how Jo is going to feel about her moving in. Also, where is Helm going to sleep? Jo and Levi live in a one room loft where Jo sleeps in a large bed and Levi sleeps on the couch. I would have liked to have seen more scenes along the way building up to this as Levi and Helm haven't had a scene all season and now right at the end you see him trying to help her. I also really miss Parker as a character. I wish they brought him back as well as Helm.

Something I didn’t like was that they seem to be focusing on DeLuca, his death, and his absence more than they should. I get that the writers and people behind the scenes liked the actor who played him, but the character himself was pretty widely detested by the other characters for seasons 15 and 16 so having them talk about him like he was such a great guy that everyone was super close to and that they all miss feels hollow to me and kind of annoying.

DeLuca and Meredith were not that close. They weren’t friends and rarely had a scene together prior to Season 15. They stopped talking entirely after he broke up with her in Season 16 and they weren’t friends when he died. So, talking about how he would have been so happy for her and one of the first people to cheer her on is strange. Also, I felt like Jo’s comments to Carina were out of place. I get that when someone dies its customary to say nice things about them to their family and Carina is mentoring Jo and she’s grateful for that, but DeLuca was god awful to her.

They become really good friends after Alex attacked him but then they stopped being friends when she got back together with Alex. They stopped having scenes together after that until he took an interest in Meredith at which time Jo and Alex both made it abundantly clear to his face and behind his back that they disliked him, and they hated the idea of him and Meredith together. All he did was antagonize both of them during seasons 15 and 16 for absolutely no reason and then after Alex left DeLuca walked up to Jo at the Emerald City Bar touched her without her consent and attempted to kiss her and get her to sleep with him to the point that she wound up throwing a drink in his face to get him to leave her alone.

He then told the bartender she was crazy after she told him to get some help. That’s sexual assault and attempted rape and DeLuca should have gone to jail for what he did. Instead we never see it addressed, he never apologizes, and they don’t share a single together after that. My hope is that they will finally moving on from talking about DeLuca and his absence next season. It’s getting a bit ridiculous at this point and it’s time to move on.

Onto next week’s promo! We don’t get a lot of information from this one. We see Bailey talking about how she’s losing surgeons left, right, and centre and she can’t afford to lose anymore and Meredith talking about how she can’t operate if she can’t stand on her feet. She’s worried she might never get back to operating, but this is Grey’s Anatomy so we know she will. Link talks to Amelia about wanting more children which considering that Scout is only a few months old and they couldn’t wait to get out of the house full of children just last week is a terrible idea. Link finally calls Jo on the fact that she clearly wants to adopt Luna who promptly codes! Yikes!

Until next time!

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dansantat · 3 years

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NOW WE ARE TWO: A Eulogy for My Father

Adam U Santat (October 21,1943 - April 27, 2021)

Today is April 27, 2021.

When I was very young and we lived in New Jersey my father took us to the beach and he lifted my tiny frame over his neck and we walked out into the ocean together. My mother watched us from the coast as we wandered 50 yards into the shallow sea. I was terrified of whatever lurked in the water convinced that sharks would come and eat us. My father gripped my legs and whispered, “I’ve got you. You don’t have to be afraid.”

I don’t exactly know why this particular memory rests so clearly in my mind, but it’s a good one. That was my father in a nutshell.

I interviewed my parents for a memoir I’m currently working on. This is what I know of my father.

He was born in the small village of Khlong Dan, Thailand on October 21, 1943, though the official birth certificate indicates October 27 because of a typo (21 sounds like 27 in Thai) He was the youngest of nine kids. His parents immigrated from China and started a merchant business. For fear of being racially ostracized by the local Thai people the oldest brother changed their name from “Lim” to “Santativongchai” (he found the word in an old book)

They collected rain water off the storm gutters in order to drink. He didn’t get hie first pair of shoes until he was 10 years old. They were sandals, really. Knowing facts abut Western culture was cool and he had an insatiable desire to learn everything he could about America. Coming to the United States was a dream of his obsessed with Elvis Presley, Paul Anka, and movies like “Shane” He admits to being spoiled by his mother and says he was lazy during most of his childhood, but was gifted in math and science. And he truly was. He attended medical school, paid for by his older sister, Yawanit, and he came to Newark, New Jersey in 1969 to do his internship.

My mother followed a year later

His first car was a Red ‘69 Camaro. No air conditioning. He ran the car into the ground because he was unaware of the fact that you had to change the oil. He never owned a car before then.

This was the American dream.

I was born in 1975 and they soon made a mass exodus to Southern California along with many of their Thai doctor friends with brief career stops in Wykoff, New Jersey and Hopedale, Illinois until we settled in our newly built four bedroom home in Camarillo, CA.

He worked for the state of California as a pediatrician, and eventually as a cardiologist, and then a psychiatrist continuing his education over the years to fill the needs of the state. He was an accomplished man in his field.

He loved golf, tennis, and buying things he would see on TV. He loved Ralph Lauren clothing, he owned one of the first Apple computers, and he loved making weekly trips to Los Angeles to buy classical CDs and audio equipment.

Three weeks ago I stepped inside my parent’s home for the first time in over a year. The COVID-19 Pandemic had kept us apart . “Stay at home. We’ll see each other after this is all over.” my parents told me.

Under normal circumstances I would happily avoid their company for fear of constant nagging about a plethora of reasons which mostly dealt with my weight, or my political views.

But this was different.

My father had been diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer and he returned home to hospice care. My mother was helping him get situated on his favorite couch because he refused to use the hospital bed that hospice had offered him and recommend that he use.

They say that doctors make the worst patients.

Besides his stubbornness my mother was angry at him for not putting up a fight, turning down Chemotherapy and Immunotherapy and opting to just let the cancer take him. She herself having been a breast cancer survivor over 25 years ago (along with living with lupus for 45 years) could not comprehend the thought of just giving up. But my father knew the odds. He had taken one look at the CT scan and he knew the primary source was in the liver and it has metastasized to the lungs, his jaw, and his pelvis.

His body was dying but his mind was still as sharp as a tack.

I understood the diagnosis, as well. When speaking to the doctor on the phone he did not mince words by emphasizing quality of life. My father’s days were limited, and I was there to make the most of the time that was left between us before he departed.

“I have one last question for you before I go.” he said to me.

“Anything. What’s your question, Dad?”

“How much....do you earn annually?”

My mother and I quickly glanced at each other and we both immediately let out a huge laugh. “HA HA HA! You have one last question and that’s what you want to ask me?!”

He was always curious about my finances.

He is my Asian father.

Normally, this type of question would be a point of heated contention and it would typically result in an argument at a restaurant, and yet, here he is living his last weeks and he STILL wouldn’t let the question go. And this time, without argument, I simply tell him.

Why deny a dying man his last wish?

“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!” he shouts as we all share in a good laugh.

“I have one more question...”

“What is it, Dad?”

“Why do you always get upset when I ask you that question?”

This too would have normally resulted in a heated discussion, but I simply gave him an honest and simple answer, “Because you taught me that it was rude to ask people that question.” And I left it at that.

My mother gets up and heads to the kitchen and it’s in this moment that my father pulls me in closer to discuss more pressing matters.

“I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ve accepted my fate and I’ve lived a good life. I’m worried about your mom. I want you to take care of her after I’m gone.”

“Of course.”

“I’ve saved up a lot of money. Use it to buy a house with a guest house for her. Make sure it has a big yard so she can do her gardening and she’ll be fine.”

“I promise, Dad. I’ll spoil her.”

“Good.”

My mother returns to the family room with an assortment of shirts for my father to wear. I grab a blue button up collared shirt from Tommy Bahama. “This shirt actually isn’t too shabby.”

“It was originally $125 and I got it for $90!”

Always in pursuit of looking his best while also landing a great deal.

He is my Asian father.

“If you like the shirts they’re yours now. All of this is yours.”

None of the items that my father owned interested me. What interested me was giving him one last amazing experience before he was gone. The one thing my father truly treasured among all his possessions was a one of the finest wine collections I had ever seen. It contained over 500 bottles of wines he had collected over the course of twenty years housed in three separate wine refrigerators, which were spread throughout different rooms in the house and sent their electricity bill skyrocketing to the moon, and my mother’s nerves to the very edge of insanity.

“Hey, what do you think about going into your wine collection and we drink the most expensive wine you have?”

“No,” he says hesitantly.

“But don’t you want to know what you bought? Don’t you want to at least know what the best wine you own tastes like? I don’t think you should leave this world without enjoying your one great vice in life.”

My father looks away from me and mutters, “No...It’s yours now. All of it.”

This is not how I want it to end. I want him to have one last good memory.

My mother interrupts, “I’m hungry. What are we having for lunch?”

I try to keep my father focused on his bucket list. I’m hoping for just one last memory, “Whatever you want, Dad. My treat.”

He looks at me and says, “I want a Pink’s hot dog.”

My mother and I look at each other in shock. This request from a man who was obsessed with his blood pressure. A man who constantly avoided salt like it was Kryptonite to Superman was now requesting for one of the saltiest most nitrate rich foods in America.

“With mustard and relish.”

25 minutes later I returned home with three sodium bombs per his request. My father, who hadn’t eaten in three days, grabbed a hold of his hot dog, and ate the entire thing. My father, a man who did everything in his power to stave off death by cardiovascular disease to the point of obsession, was indulging in the one thing he avoided like the plague.

SALT.

As I sat on the couch and watched him eat his hot dog I could see the look on his face as he solemnly took each bite thinking, “What was the point of being so scared for all these years?” I took solace in the fact that for the first time in my life, I saw him as a person unafraid.

Later that day, a few of his closest friends came over to wish him well. I met them at the front door, “Hey, do me a favor. Can you see if you can make him agree to having one last glass of wine?”

It was a good idea.

HIs friends all walked in, paid their respects, and then peppered him with little hints like, “Hey, how about one last sip of wine before you go?”

My dad finally agreed.

“That fridge has the best stuff!” my dad shouted as he pointed to the fridge closest to the door.

I was not as knowledgable about fine wines as my dad and his friends were. That’s what Google is for.

I reached into the back of the fridge and found a bottle of Opus One from 1995.

This was $600 bottle of wine. It wasn’t his best but it it would do nicely.

The room let out an audible “oooooh” when I entered the room with the bottle.

His best wine glasses were brought out, we each poured a glass, and we toasted my father. We share stories about his life, he boasts to his friends about my accomplishments, and we are basking in a moment of complete harmony.

For this moment in time, I was his perfect Asian son.

He thoughtfully studied the peaks generated by the swirling of the wine on the edge of the glass

“It’s been a good life. No regrets.”

I was glad I could give him this.

This week I bought that house for my mom. I told my father this as I fulfilled his last dying wish while I held his hand.

“I’ve got you, Dad. You don’t have to be afraid.”

“I’ve got you.”

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themissouchpart2 · 2 years

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In happier times... Photo by Aaron

I try to include in these pages somethings to remind me of my home where I lived worked, maintained, cooked slept danced cried played guitar kept my books files research poems photographs stones candles pcs music equipment pictures household items plants bills letters records medical records paper archives feathers Garden patio set outdoor plants mum and dads two items of furniture and my dust my clothes shoes all fitted rather miraculously into the tiny small space where I lived since 2004.

This is over two years since I've been in hospital... And despite 13 months in a fantastic facility the months being held in this acute hospital in Dublin absolutely horrendous.

I've had so Many items stolen, hidden, even down to my socks being taken and by thieves in this place it is with the greatest of tedium to continously face the sticky fingered depravities of others to my person.

I had a mean spirited African health care agency staff dislocate my middle and ring finger five weeks ago on my right hand after being forced to do reduced ability djuru 1 from my bed at 3 am and which I responded with you broke my finger.. And he laughed and sat back down in the room I was staying in alone. I was left with a slightly straighter ring finger as the hand on my right has been slightly clawed. That was five weeks ago.

Then there was the night on the old ward, that when trying to manually heimleich and manual push of chest to get phlegm up from covid I would have the oral secretions smeared all over my face by yet another health care assistant. These were the people responsible for overall hygiene and failing miserably in their attempts to be a positive force of care. Then they're was the pressure sores which are grade 4 and placed on sacrum and left and right bottom cheeks. I am paralysed from chest down but have feeling and sensation internally, yet if I hit my leg with my hand I would not feel it. I suffer spasms, feet movement and reactions.

Then there are difficulties such as maintaining hygienic practices such as bedbaths private areas being cleaned, catheter care and bowel care.

This is some of the needs of myself and of course I'm grateful for all the help I've received in the second facility... Not so here.

The real test of my patience was the lack of information regarding my covid positive status of diagnosis, the lack of information or notification to my next of kin. Another distressing moment came this morning when having dressings removed and viewing the saucer sized oozing on my right leg being told by the two health care assistants there was rumours circulating I had poured boiling water over myself for attention. I cried yet again at the slanderous gossip on my character as I observed the pus on my leg which was very painful. I got my dressings done insisting there was a recurring issue with the vac machine attached to my rear. The carers asked would I like to sit in my chair as being in bed was not always what they advised. I insisted on pausing the vac machine and waited to the dressings to be done, as they're were two leaks on the vac areas and I explained its excruciating on the area on my rear. I was put into by hoist my newly returned power chair which was missing since late February and out of action due to some problems I encountered while using it. As it was I wore one of my black dresses and velcro moon boots without socks as they'd all been stolen. I went out for some air... Met a friendly comrade and sat talking for 90 minutes before returning to ward to have soup and soft roll. I returned to bed and just spoke on phone to friends and caught up on work and research.

Many thanks to the loveliest nurse Laura who bent over backwards to help me organise my items and bring me pots of boiling water to have tea. I had so much relief talking today to two friends who didn't know where had I gone or if I was even still alive...

Thank you Laura.... 🙏🌈🙏

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msviolacea · 3 years

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Hello from a Super 8 in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. This is more rambling and processing my dad’s death.

The thing about my grieving process is that I need to keep busy or I’ll collapse. And collapsing has never been an option for me right after a family member dies. Especially not now. There’s no one else to take care of things. It’s just me. So I’ve been numb since Friday, in this oddly calm and composed place, alternating between full of energy and utterly exhausted.

I never would have made it as far as I have without Kate. Bless her, she was originally scheduled to fly to St. Louis on Tuesday (yesterday) for a vacation, but after I called her on Friday she switched her flight to arrive 2 hours before me on Saturday. She picked me up from the airport, got me out here, spent two days helping me figure out what to do and getting the apartment mostly packed up. I don’t know what I would have done without her. I certainly wouldn’t be where I am now - just waiting for my cousin to pick up all the furniture before turning his keys back in.

And I wouldn’t be as far as I am without my dad, oddly enough. We got to the apartment on Saturday to find a notepad on the dining room table that had a list of every bill he currently has and all the phone numbers needed to contact them. And in the closet, the box he got from the cremation society he’d signed a contract with. Honestly, the organization freaked me out a little. I would be suspicious about the timing if he hadn’t been so damned excited about buying my car from me, about seeing me this week. So I think he just had all of this together because he wanted to give it all to me when I got here this week. He’d been semi-obsessed with doing as much as he could to prepare for his own death the last few years. The hospitalization in 2018 really got to him, I guess, unsurprisingly.

You know, I think part of the reason I’m so calm - the reason it hasn’t quite sunk in yet - is that I haven’t seen him, and won’t. After my aunt contacted the cremation society on Friday, they took over everything. That’s an absolute blessing (if anyone you know needs that kind of service, I can wholeheartedly recommend the Neptune Society, they have been nothing but amazing through this whole thing), because I don’t know if I could have handled seeing his body, but it also makes this all seem very distant right now.

They’re taking care of the death certificate, but warned me that due to COVID, processing is backed up, so it could take several weeks to get my copies. There’s no reason to stay here for like 3 weeks when I can do most of what I need the certificates for by phone or internet, so hopefully I'll be able to go home this weekend after the apartment is taken care of.

In the meantime, Stardew Valley is getting me through during the times I don’t have enough to do to keep my mind occupied. I wish I could mod on the Switch, though. I can’t fish worth a damn.

There isn’t going to be a memorial service right now. My aunt is absolutely devastated and not up for seeing anyone other than me or her daughter, and she’s the only family member that matters at this point. And quite frankly, I’m not up for being the center of attention like that. I’ll probably come back here one more time, maybe later this year, to have some kind of get-together.

(Later I may process the experience of actually seeing my grandmother’s will for myself, and realizing that the way she disowned my dad and two older aunts was even more explicit and cruel than my dad told me. But honestly, if hell exists, I hope she’s rotting there, and that my younger aunt joins her someday.)

Today my life is piles and piles of bank statements and credit cards and when exactly did he change his Medicare replacement policy anyway? I have a three page to-do list of companies to call and tasks to accomplish, and I’m not done going through the paperwork and jotting down tasks yet. But it’s keeping my mind occupied, so I don’t sit here and stare at the wall and start feeling guilty about everything about my relationship with my dad over the last 16 years. So I’ll take it. I can break down and feel my own feelings when I’m safe at home next week.

I really want to go home, y’all. Hopefully this weekend.

#jaime rambles #goodbye dad

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thecampbellfam · 3 years

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My gosh. Our housemate’s ex-partner and their son got tested yesterday (the housemate and his ex-partner still live in the same house but have their own rooms - it’s complicated lol). They just got the results that the ex-partner is negative but the 3-year-old tested positive. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ He’s completely asymptomatic but frick. My kids and him played together last Wednesday for like 10 minutes (which is the day that his dad started showing symptoms). So I guess the risk is low but it’s still there. We’ve stayed fully isolated from the rest of the house since learning that the first housemate tested positive, minus my boys saying hi to the housemate’s son through the window earlier today.

For my reference and anyone who cares to read, here’s the timeline:

Wednesday, February 17: housemate attends staff meeting at work. Masked and socially distanced, we were told.

Saturday, February 20: us plus our 4 housemates (1 couple and 2 people who used to be a couple) have a game’s night upstairs.

Sunday, February 21: me and the two female housemates go for a girl’s night of appies at a local restaurant. The guys hang out at home, decently socially distanced but still together. We get home and our housemate says: “hey, did the girls tell you about ____? He has Covid. I saw him at the staff meeting on Wednesday but we were socially distanced and wore masks so it’s all fine.”

Wednesday, February 24: my kids and the housemate’s son play together for 10 minutes. This is our last interaction with anyone in the house. Housemate starts losing taste and smell late in the evening.

Thursday, February 25: housemate calls me and says he’s fully lost taste and smell and is going for a Covid test. I cancel J’s birthday party (thank GOD!!!). We learn that currently 4 staff members who attended that meeting now have Covid.

Friday, February 26: housemate gets positive results back. We are told that we have to isolate at home for 14 days from the last time we all hung out (so until Saturday, March 6 for me and Sunday, March 7 for Nic).

So flash forward we’re now a few days away from isolation ending but now the kid upstairs is positive so I’m thinking we’ll have to isolate until March 10th. I’m freaking hoping and praying that we stay healthy because this is getting way too close to the due date for my liking. I’m 36 weeks as of March 3rd and my dang 30th birthday is in two weeks on March 17th. I would love to be healthy for my birthday and I would really love for this Covid crap to be over by the time I give birth in 4-ish weeks. I want my husband at the birth. I want to stay healthy. I want my kids healthy (and well taken care of while I’m at the hospital giving birth). I want to be able to prep properly for the birth including getting chiropractic adjustments to prepare my pelvis and hips. I want this all to be over.

#over it #can’t make this stuff up

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butterflyinthewell · 3 years

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I guess I asked too much to finish this shitty year without any more drama from dad, but he had to cause it today after a few months of not doing it.

He bothered mom all day for bullshit that could wait. Then he elbowed a lamp off the table that he claimed was cluttered. Mom, at her wit’s end, literally threw everything off the table onto the floor and yelled that it’s not cluttered anymore.

My mom is the last person who will blow up at someone, so if she blows up at you it means you’ve pushed her too far.

I ran out there screaming at him to stop flinging his arms out to the side and watch what he’s doing. Because he will cause drama when he needs attention. I know I fucking fed the beast, but I don’t care. I’m a much calmer person thanks to the counseling I’m going to ‘graduate’ from next month (with the ability to schedule appointments again if I need it), but I swear my dad wants to undo all that hard work.

I refuse to let him. I went back to my room and practiced self care instead of seething and hating myself for reacting yet again to his shit.

Dad graduated from his therapy and will probably be going into his room again soon so we can get the electric hospital bed taken out (he has a sleep number bed in his room). Now he can no longer get up without help and he is forbidden from trying. Someone has to be in the room if he has to get up and he’s only going to be allowed to get up to get on the commode (supervised) or go into the living room (also supervised). He’s got a urinal to pee in, so he doesn’t have to get up to do that anymore. He’s going to get his iPad put in his room with him so he won’t have any excuses to get up at night and he can play his games or watch tv if he can’t sleep.

I’m terrified he’s going to do something ridiculous anyway because I literally cannot trust him to use common sense anymore. I need to remind everyone that he’s had extensive tests for dementia and they’re negative, the bullshit he pulls is all him doing it on purpose.

I’m so tired, but I hope the new year will suck less than this one. I don’t want people going to the hospital to be an annual fucking event.

Ugh. I’m sorry for complaining. I’ve been kind of keeping away so that’s not all I do, but it’s all I want to do here anymore. I’m exhausted.

Before anyone asks: we can’t afford to put dad anywhere and we don’t want to because he’ll get covid if we do, and we don’t need that after all the shit we’ve gone through keeping his ungrateful ass alive. As frustrating as he is, I refuse to dump him somewhere where he won’t be taken care of properly, and the medical system has proven it can’t be trusted to take care of him properly. It’s us or nothing.

Fuck American healthcare.

🌈🍖🌈🍖🌈🍖

Anyway, I’m writing a Hannigram post-fall fanfic for the Hannibal fandom. It’s a story about Hannibal being diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s and Will coming to terms with that. It’s gonna have gore, smut and cannibalism in it, because it’s not Hannibal without somebody’s cooked organs on a plate. 😝

Will does not like it when people treat his husband as if he’s unintelligent or subhuman because of his condition, and there’s a hospital scene where Hannibal is very badly treated (he gets a Haldol overdose) when he gets confused while sundowning. Will is SO PISSED when he finds Hannibal stiff and gurgling.

Yes, that is very much commentary on how society treats those it deems less. The violence Will inflicts in Hannibal’s name is the same kind of violence usually inflicted on disabled people by caregivers.

I can do that because it’s fiction and no real people get hurt.

...I wish the bullshit my dad pulls was fiction.

#emotional abuse #dad fall drama #tw emotional abuse #swearing #tw medical abuse

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geekkatsblog · 3 years

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Making my heart race for 45 minutes every week season 17x5 or like everyone else likes to call it Grey's Anatomy.

"A VERY LONG BUT IMPROTANT PART TO READ BELOW."

Now before I get started I was idly scrolling through Instagram instead of studying like I was supposed to and I was recommended a Grey's Anatomy confession site to torture myself (because most of the time I feel irrationally sad after reading when I see my faves being bashed) and I was a good few confessions in when I noticed that someone had taken a part of lasts weeks review word for word and submitted it. I never really thought I would have to but I beg please don't do that. Confession sites tend to make my heart race and when I realized it was my words that were used I was already in the comments, none of my opinions in these are final so I'd rather not have my words posted anywhere else where people can't see the complete picture. Its definitely fine to use it as inspiration but Please do not post my reviews anywhere else, or at least ask first.

*Now finally onto the review*

All in all the episode was like I expected in terms of outcomes however Grey's has got to come up with another genetic disorder besides Alzheimers, because this is yet another doctor with the gene. Not much happened besides the main event so let's hope I don't talk all over myself again.

___________________________________________

Catherine Fox and Jackson Avery

Refuses to wear the mask like the pig headed woman she is. Her especially should take no risks because as it was pointed out in the episode she is immunocompromised. She didn't actually appear in person but I thought I would mention her part in the episode because it gave us Richard and Jackson scenes which I have grown to love and appreciate because they're always wholesome the one they had tonight on systematic racism was great and one that I hope managed to educate viewers on the situation. It's great to see Jackson have someone there who has a parent figure there to listen calmly. Catherine as great of a mother as she is in my opinion sometimes she can come across as an eccentric aunt. I'm glad Richad managed to tame the wildcat and convince her to wear a mask with his sexual promises. We've lost enough Grey Sloan staff and family from it so far.

___________________________________________

Meredith

A hopefully temporary resident at the fake beach where nothing is real. Unfortunately there were no new visitors at the beach. Like I stated last week, I'm not entirely sure if we'll see anymore of the greats such as Mark Sloan, Lexie ect but there's still a chance next week although it seems like she might be waking up, but like I always say with Grey's expect the unexpected She may or may not be out of the deep end yet but I'm just thankful for the few glimpses we got to see George and Derek grace our screens again the nostalgia was great. However as much as I enjoyed seeing them again, I want Meredith to wake up I miss her, she may not be as fun and quirky as she used to be in the earlier seasons but without her working in the hospital it's hard to deny that something's missing from the episodes.

___________________________________________

TEDDY / OWEN/ TOM

(Here we go again.) 😔

This triangle has been going strong for a long time almost too long, and once again they flipped the switch its always back and forth. A few episodes ago she was begging Owen for forgiveness and now she's telling Tom they have a future. I feel like she needs some time to process what she's really feeling most of the time it seems like she's confused and fair enough it all happened so fast the time between her being with Tom and Owen expressing his still lingering feelings to her but now she needs to make sure that the decision she makes now is the one she actually intends to stick with.

On another note Tom seems to be out of the woods, for now at least which is great when he asked for his son I was a little concerned for a bit I wasn't sure if he was really going to make it. He's a douche and a hard ass but he has the potential to have a great character development, so I'm glad he got another chance. And my comments about wanting Helm to be his new protege remains in that small scene they had last week something just clicked with me and there's also the fact that she wanted to treat him despite the risks.

Owen was here as a filler basically, and to reinforce the love triangle again.

___________________________________________

Jo Wilson

Is thinking of switching specialties, if Ben can do it like changing sweaters why can't she switch? I do think it will be a good fit for her the way she has been fawning over the babies of recent it was either that or give her one of her own which in my opinion I don't think she's ready for. But even in all of the excitement I can't help but think that she's only looking at the cupcake and rainbow side for now because although it's awesome being the first one to hold the babies and everything, not every delivery goes well sometimes the babies don't make it or in other cases the mothers die I hope she's ready to face that side of the package as well.

Just mentioning as well that I love the friendship between her and Schmitt. It was an unexpected but pleasant pairing one of which I'm looking forward to seeing more of in the long run.

On the other hand if Jo switches this gives us more of a chance to see Carina as well because she was signed on a a series regular yet we don't get to see her enough except for on Station 19 and on there she's only Maya's girlfriend. I hope it changes soon and they give her more of a plot or something.

___________________________________________

Amelia/Link

Not much relationship content other than Link finding out about her and Koracick's fling and he took her going into the hospital before the end of her maternity leave quite well. They are one of the healthier relationships in Grey's. Right now at least things always get trickier later.

I'm glad she went in though it let Koracick know that he still had people who care about him and she managed to make Teddy who everyone was treating like garbage as well feel a little better.

___________________________________________

Maggie

No Winston today but we got a lot of Maggie content which was great. She was the moral support once again but today I was fine with it I always enjoy her moments with Bailey and at least she was able to be there for her seeing that Ben was MIA and Webber was busy taking care of her patients along with Jackson. Once again a very needed conversation between her and Bailey and I loved that she still went to comfort her despite the fact that rehashing her own mother's death had to be painful to do.

___________________________________________

Bailey

(Thanks for ruining My Girl for me Grey's now instead of feeling happy I'll forever think of Bailey saying goodbye to her mother.)

We all know that whenever Bailey starts spouting out her feelings and asking for help and advice things are about to go down.

Before we get completely into it I'd just like to express my disappointment in the fact that Ben literally dropped everything took the aid car to save his in laws no questions asked then dropped off his mother in law at the hospital with Covid and left his wife who has anxiety without even checking in. I know he's a first responder as well and he isn't allowed into the hospital that easily either but geeze no other phone calls or messages to check in?. He better have been stuck putting out a huge fire or something equally as bad, besides being him being hurt himself at least.

Another foot note to appreciate Bailey primping before her facetiming with Ben. Go get it hun. Their relationship be cute as usual.

Then the big revel her, mother has dementia, yet another doctor with the alzheimers gene. The moment between her and Meredith was heartwarming to be honest it's a foreign thing seeing them so close and having life conversations still but it's something I hope we get to see often they've had them as semi rivals/ semi friends long enough.

It was hard to see her have to say goodbye and the fact that her father couldn't be there to tell his wife any final words and be there to hold her as she passed made it worse, his wife that he was married to and loved for so long had to die without the comfort of her husband by her side and her daughter could barely hold her hand because of the bulk of her suit, then one of the saddest parts was that she possibly didn't even know what was happening to her. But thankfully Bailey could have been there to sing to her and keep her calm, a lot of people don't even get that much of a chance during the pandemic their loved ones die alone.

The moment I saw the conversation with her dad and the way she was only half listening I knew she was going to blame herself at some point over what happened, it remains to be seen if Maggie's speech worked or if she's going to continue to blame herself. Like I stated before I love the conversation her and Maggie had. One of the reasons why I haven't stepped off the Grey's Carousel is because they touch on topics that others don't cross they aren't afraid to touch the important and controversial things.

I was too being sad over her mothers death at first but I also want to talk about her and Webber's friendship he immediately postponed everything to be there for her, he took over her workload and still made sure he was there in time to be there and support her when she watched her mother flat line.

___________________________________________

The pandemic has always been real to me but somehow seeing the names of those that passed at the end was surreal I found myself just staring at the screen for a few minutes later reflecting on everything.

___________________________________________

Next week is the winter finale and I have no idea how it could get anymore dramatic than it already is. There's been so much already but Grey's always manages to surprise me. Then after that episode it's back to nothing until March 😭😭😭.

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strawberriestyles · 4 years

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Chapter 17

(Banner made by sweet sunshine @harry-nofookingway-styles)

Harry X OFC (AU)

Sequel to Brutality: In which Melody and Harry must relearn how to navigate one another among a flurry of changes.

Read previous parts here.

Author’s note: FINALLY HARRY SPEAKS A LIL. This chapter is a bit different but I hope y’all enjoy it anyway. Please, let me know! When you’re finished reading, please consider donating to the Black Covid Relief Fund!!! Black people are often disproportionately affected by medical emergencies. If you can’t donate, find some petitions to sign or another way to continue helping! Xx

Harry had barely slept. He watched the sun rise, painting the west wall of Melody’s room in rich pinks and golds, unwilling to leave the bed. He didn’t know how she’d feel if she woke and he wasn’t next to her. In fact, he didn’t know how she would feel when she woke and he was.

The answer came not long after he began to wonder.

Melody blinked her eyes open, facing the wall beside the bed. Her head felt weighted, like she’d had too much to drink. And she probably had, now that she thought about it. She usually rationed herself with wine.

The memory of wine triggered the memory of the events at dinner’s end. Melody had hoped, at first, that she’d had an incredibly vivid nightmare. But the wine was still sweet on her tongue, and the blood spattering the restaurant’s floor was not something that would come in dreams. She blinked again at the wall, dreading the day. But eventually she turned onto her back.

Harry was studying the marks in the ceiling when Melody shifted beside him. She watched his eyes begin to drift toward her face before snapping skyward again. He stiffened, wondering if she would speak to him. Wondering if she might climb right over him and pretend he didn’t exist.

“How could you do that?” she asked, the first words of the morning. Her voice was soft. Harry was suddenly grateful that this conversation had not taken place the night before.

“I...” Harry closed his eyes. It was ironic that now the pull of sleep threatened to keep them shut, when he needed to be alert. He fought to stretch them open and then looked down at the bruises dotting his knuckles. “I didn’ do it to upset you,” he finally answered. “Can yeh believe that?”

Melody sighed. “I believe that you don’t try to hurt me intentionally, yes.”

“‘M frustrated. I’ve already told yeh that, but ‘s like there’s this buzzing in my whole body and I can’ get rid of it unless I hit someone.”

“Sean is not some stranger you can knock around, Harry.” Melody sat up, bending her legs to hug her knees. “He doesn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this. You accused me of sleeping with him. And I know that it was just a fucked up excuse to fight, but what if I hadn’t? What if I hadn’t known that? Do you understand how it feels to hear you say that?��

Harry’s heart leaped. Out of place, somehow, closer to his stomach than in his chest. He shook his head slowly. “I didn’ mean it,” he murmured.

“You keep saying things you don’t mean, Harry.” Melody released a short laugh, but it was the most humorless sound Harry had ever heard. “Do you think there aren’t consequences for that? You’re sorry for it after, so it’ll just go away? It doesn’t go away. I still remember you saying those things.

“And I keep forgiving you,” Melody continued, looking at the west wall, which was fading into a magnificent yellow as the sunrise ended. Her voice cracked and Harry worried that she was close to tears again. “And my heart fucking aches every time you do something like this without thinking about me, about how I might feel. Because I do think about you. I think about you in almost every single thing I do. And it’s not fair.”

Melody wiped the silent tears from her cheeks, relieved by her own honesty, apprehensive of Harry’s response.

Harry rubbed his eyes. Melody looked fully at him for the first time this morning and noticed how tired he appeared, the dark circles rimming his eyes, the drawn look of his face. She almost sympathized, remembering his gentle caresses when she had trouble sleeping.

“‘S not fair,” he agreed, swallowing thickly. “‘M so sorry, Mel. If I could take it back this time, I really would. And not just so yeh wouldn’ be angry. I fucked up.”

“I’m not angry, Harry,” Melody said, turning away when he looked back at her. “I’m not. I can’t be angry anymore.”

Harry struggled to pull himself up, leaning against the windowsill. His heart hammered within his chest as she avoided his eyes again. This felt like anger.

“Well, I am angry.” Melody’s gaze finally flickered to meet his. He found that he couldn’t hold it. “I’ve been angry for a long time and I don’ know how to let it out any other way. It shouldn’ have been Sean, but—Christ, at least he can hit back.”

Melody watched him lift a hand and prod at the edges of his nose. She pressed her lips into a thin line. “He shouldn’t have to hit back, Harry. You are out of control.”

“‘M not just—”

“You need a therapist,” Melody said, and Harry fell very quiet. He waited a few breaths to absorb what she’d said.

“I don’ need—”

“You do,” she insisted, sitting up straighter, as if it might lend her words more weight. “This is the most you’ve talked to me since I’ve known you, Harry, and it didn’t come until after you attacked Sean, after you said...what you said.” She drew in a deep breath. “You need to work out whatever’s going on in your head, and you won’t let me help. I’ve tried. So you need to talk to someone else.”

Melody watched Harry’s expression close off. She glanced at the greenery above his head and noticed the brown edges protruding from one of the pots. Her favorite plant was dying and she hadn’t noticed because she’d been so caught up in everything else that had been going on around her.

She waited for another minute, allowing Harry to form some type of response. But the silence persisted. And when she grew sick of waiting she unfolded her legs and lifted herself over him to leave the room.

***

“So Harry, what brings you here today?”

Harry still had his jacket on, zipped to his chest, prepared for a quick getaway. He scratched at the leather of the armchair he sat in with one fingernail, a nervous tick. Nervous was not an emotion familiar to him.

“My…my girlfriend,” he answered, low in his throat.

“What’s her name?”

“Melody.”

The therapist smiled, scribbling over the notepad she held in her lap. She glanced up when she’d finished, watching Harry scratch and tap at the arm of his chair, bounce the ball of his foot on the floor.

“Did Melody ask you to come?”

Harry nodded, now drawing his ankle up and over his other knee. He glanced out the window and watched the light at the next intersection shift from red to green, listened to impatient horns sound.

“Would you like to tell me about her?” the doctor prompted. Harry had already forgotten her name. Bidel or Beetle, something like that.

“What about her?”

“Well, how did you two meet?”

Harry breathed out a dry laugh. He pressed his lips together, but fought the part of him that wanted to keep silent and launched into a retelling of middle school, the bullies and his brother and Melody, and his first boxing class.

“You’ve been dating since sixth grade?” she asked. Beutel. Her name was Dr. Beutel.

“No, tha’s just when we met. I met her again a little over a year ago.”

Dr. Beutel scribbled feverishly. “It’s hard for me to believe you’ve lived in the States since you were that young. Your accent is rather distinct.”

“I moved back,” Harry informed her. “We moved back to Cheshire that year. I got kicked out of school.”

The therapist frowned, laying her pen down flat on her notepad. “For fighting,” she said, unquestioning.

Harry nodded.

“Do you fight professionally?”

Harry’s lips puckered. “Not anymore.”

“And how did...” she gestured to his face, scabbing cuts and yellowing bruises.

Harry sighed. “Uh, tha’s why she wanted me to come here. I kind of fought Sean. He’s my...my friend. Well, he was my trainer, really. And now he’s not. Now he’s her trainer.”

“Melody’s.”

“Yeah.”

Dr. Beutel shook her head almost imperceptibly. She stroked the pendant on her necklace once and then crossed her legs, pulled her notepad closer.

“Okay, how about we start from the beginning? Your family.”

Harry drew a hand over his face, carefully avoiding his nose. “Not my favorite subject.”

“So I’ve guessed.” She smiled wanly. “You’ve talked a little bit about your brother. Half-brother, right? What about your parents? Do you get along?”

“With my mum. Haven’ talked to my dad in almost six years.” Harry was surprised at his own bluntness.

“And why’s that?”

“Because he doesn’ give a fuck about me. Instead of protectin’ me he let Colton live in our house.”

“And do you think Colton would hurt you?”

Harry barked out a laugh. He’d forgotten that this woman didn’t know about the strangest parts of his life yet. She only had snippets.

“He shot me last year,” he deadpanned, “in the head.” He pulled back the hair brushing his left ear to reveal the pockmarked scars in his scalp. “And I was in a coma all summer. Sorry, I should’ve led with that.”

Dr. Beutel froze, staring at him, her fingers hovering over her pen.

“Oh, also my mum has brain cancer. She’s been in and out of hospitals since we moved back to Cheshire.”

Harry waited while his therapist began to reconcile this with what she already knew about him. The seconds ticked by. She wrote in her notepad without speaking another word to him and then she glanced at her watch and gasped.

“Oh, Harry, I’m so sorry. We’re over time for today. Can you come back next week?”

Harry sighed. He didn’t want to come back. Today had felt like a joke. It didn’t make him feel any better, it hadn’t even tapped into the restlessness sizzling just beneath the surface of his skin. But he nodded as he left.

“I look forward to seeing you,” Dr. Beutel said as he closed the door.

***

A week and a very meager amount of progress with Melody later, Harry sat in the same chair, somehow more relaxed. Melody had barely spoken to him since the morning after her birthday, not that he blamed her. But if he felt lonely before, now even Bea paid him the slightest mind. And Josie was still pissed that he’d put her leftovers at risk.

“How are you doing?” Dr. Beutel asked.

“Peachy.”

“You sure you didn’t mean cheeky?”

Harry grinned for the first time in what felt like an eternity. He tipped his shoulder up. “Not completely sure.”

Dr. Beutel smiled back. She slid her feet to one corner of her armchair, twirling the pen she held between her fingers.

“Just before our last session ended, you told me about your mother. She has recurring cancer?”

Harry nodded, his smile slipping faster than the changing traffic light outside the window.

“Are you close with your mother?”

“Well,” Harry began, stalling for a moment to ponder the question, “I guess yeh could say that. I haven’ seen her in almost two years but I talk to her a lot.”

“Has Melody spoken with her?”

Harry felt his own face contort. “Uh, no. I call my mum when she’s not around.”

“Why is that?”

He huffed out a thoughtful breath. “I dunno, really.”

Dr. Beutel began to write. Her pen twisted slowly across a clean page of her notepad. “Do you think,” she asked, without looking up, “that it might be because you separate your life into two categories?”

“What?”

“Your life in England, your family, I think that you might compartmentalize them. Separate from Melody, I mean. And even boxing. I think that Melody feels outside of that space for you, and that might be why it bothers you so much—her fighting and you not. It might seem like she’s bleeding across the borders that you’ve put in place.”

Harry didn’t know how to respond. He glanced down at the ugly scabs that spotted his knuckles, still pulling at his skin every time he stretched his hand.

“You live with Melody?”

Harry nodded, still not meeting the doctor’s eyes. He was worried what else she might see if he were to look fully at her.

“And did you live with her before? Before your injury, I mean.”

“No.”

From this angle, he could still see Dr. Beutel nodding to her notes.

“So, Harry,” she began, piecing together the information that she’d gathered, “did you have any girlfriends back in England?”

Harry shook his head, clearing his throat. “No, ‘m not really one for relationships.”

“Well, maybe you weren’t before, but I think you are now.”

“What?” He looked up at last and Dr. Beutel was smiling at him, her head tilted.

“Melody asked you to speak with a therapist. Would you ever have done that before? Would you talk about yourself this much with a stranger if it wasn’t for her?”

Harry was quiet again. This was something that had worried him for nearly a year. Half of the things he’d done since he began seeing Melody, he never would have dreamed of doing before her. This wasn’t the person he’d grown used to being.

“I’m sorry for everything that’s happened to you,” the therapist said, when he didn’t return the conversation. “You’ve experienced a lot in your life. A lot more than most people could claim to have experienced in an entire lifetime, but I think you’re in a good place right now. It sounds to me like Melody cares very much for you. And even if it hasn’t been a conscious thought, you feel like you don’t deserve it.”

“I don’!” Harry nearly shouted. He paused and sat back in his chair, collecting his emotions and lining them up. He knitted his fingers together over his stomach. “I don’. It was her fuckin’ birthday and I hit her trainer—”

“Your friend,” Dr. Beutel corrected. She hadn’t even flinched at his outburst. “You hit Sean, your friend. These two areas of your life—fighting and Melody—they’re blending and he’s a large player in that mix. Do you think you don’t deserve Melody because you picked a fight with Sean, or do you think you picked a fight with Sean because you feel like you don’t deserve Melody?”

Harry’s mind spun. “What, you mean like ‘m tryin’ to fuck up on purpose?”

“Perhaps,” she answered with a nod. “Perhaps some part of you is trying to find a way out.”

Harry sighed and sifted a hand through his hair, fingertips brushing his scars. “What should I do?”

The therapist laughed gently and shook her head. “I mean, I’m not a fortune-teller, Harry. I don’t know what will help you patch up your relationship and I don’t know what will let you out of it. But I do think you need to put in some positive effort if Melody means something to you. Try to redirect your aggression. Maybe go to one of her matches?”

The suggestion was quiet, soft, a mere idea. And Harry’s heart ticked uncomfortably at the sensation of being seen. Would anyone else have been able to untangle the complex knots of his life with the information he’d given Dr. Beutel? Would Melody? Harry wasn’t sure, and he didn’t know if he wanted anyone else to examine him this meticulously. But he said his thanks before he left, anyway, and the entire way back to the apartment, he felt like he was studying his own thoughts from a new perspective.

Chapter 18

#harry styles #harry styles writing #harry styles blurb #harry styles drabble #harry styles imagine #harry styles series #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles angst #harry styles x ofc #harry styles au #boxer!au #boxer!harry #harry styles ferocity

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crazycrackersworld · 3 years

Text

Only The Good Die Young

My cousin Tim passed away at about 5:30 p.m. today, after losing his fight with covid and pneumonia.

I don't know if I have the words to convey how I'm feeling or how this loss will affect me. Tim was more than just my cousin we grew up together in a small town and because we were cousins and we were related we were more like brothers. We didn't always get along, I actually bullied them quite a lot when we were younger cuz I was kind of a dick. But there was always love and we did get along more than we didn't and I always thought of him more of a little brother than a cousin.

Anybody who knows me knows that not only was I heartbroken, but I was also terrified when I moved here to Arizona last year. And from the first day I was here to the last time I actually got to talk to him before he went to the hospital he was there for me. I can honestly say I am not sure that I would have made it to the last year of my life without him.

We did stuff together to get our minds off of things that hurt both of us my kids not talking to me his kids not talking to him, relationships. He was one of the few people in my family who never judged me for trying as hard as I did to win Sue back. He didn't judge me for it he didn't say I was stupid he understood where I was coming from and he understood how I felt how I feel. And he was always there

When I flew back to Wisconsin in February he dropped me off at the airport here in Phoenix and he was crying and he was sad because he didn't want to see me go but he was also happy because he knew that that's where I wanted to be. And when that didn't work out and I called him for help getting home he bought my plane ticket and he was at the airport with a bottle of whiskey and he took me back to his house. And again there was no judgment there's just support we drank a little and I probably cried a level when we watch TV and next morning he drove me back here to Mom's and he stayed here most of the day with me.

He drove me to my interview with my new boss Keith I wouldn't have the job I have now if you wouldn't have taken me there and that job has worked out pretty well for me. And as I moved forward in the job and was getting my licenses and enjoying what I was doing he let me know that he was proud of me and that I was doing good.

We drove to Los Angeles together and had a great time and we were planning on going back we were planning on doing a lot of things. We went to the meteor crater together and we went to Winslow Arizona and stood on the corner together. He found the pocket knife with my name on it and he was so happy that he found one with his name just Tim not Timothy just tell him he was so happy. So now anytime I use that pocket knife I'm going to think of him.

Tim had Big Dreams and big aspirations and big plans and I may not have always agreed with them but I at least respected him for following his heart if nothing else. He was a good father and it is a shame that his ex-wife and her family poisoned most of the kids against him and he hadn't seen them for the last 2 years of his life. But now all those people are going to have to live with that guilt and I hope they get hit with a lot of guilt. Because he loved his kids and he missed his kids and he should have been able to see his kids.

He loved his granddaughter and he was a good grandfather seeing him with her always warmed my heart. And I'm glad that I was here when his daughter moved away with the granddaughter, because I think I made that change a little easier on him.

He loved his parents and he was loved by his parents I'm sure the loss of his mom just under 2 weeks ago hit him hard, and he was in the same hospital as her with the same sickness. And I don't know maybe he didn't fight as hard as he could have when she was gone I'll never know but maybe. But I don't think that's it because I don't think he would have ever left his dad alone so I think he did fight as long as he could.

When my Uncle Jerry had me go with him to the hospital on Sunday before they were going to do the dialysis I didn't know that was the last time I was going to see him alive, but I am glad I was able to go and see him. And I'm glad I was able to support my uncle sometimes physically cuz it look like his legs were going to give out but just to be there for him and I know it was tearing him apart to look at his son in that condition especially since he just lost his wife.

But even though I've done a few paragraphs here already I don't know if I have the words and I I don't know if I'm doing him Justice. I don't think I can say anything that would do him Justice.

He was full of life and ideas and he was funny and he was a generous and he was kind and he was my brother in so many ways. And we had so many other things planned.

When I have made the decision to stay here in Arizona instead of moving back to Wisconsin for good in September Tim was the first person I told even before my mom, I told him on our road trip to the meteor crater in Winslow. And I remember how happy he was and how relieved and the smile that crossed his face when I told him. My life is going to be a little more empty and a little less bright without him in it.

I'd say I don't know what I'm going to do without him, but half the time I don't know what I'm going to do. So I guess that doesn't matter. And the fact that he knew that about me didn't hold it against me is just another thing that I'm going to miss.

I'm sure a lot of other memories and things are going to go through my head over the next few days and weeks maybe stuff I'd forgotten about or whatever.

My cousin Tim was a good man, a good father, a good grandfather, he was a good cousin, he was a good son and he was a good brother. In the world in general is going to be a little darker and a little sadder without him in it.

Tim I love you and I miss you already and I am pissed that you are gone. But I also know over the last two or three years you haven't always had a lot of peace in your life and now you're at peace and I'm going to try really hard to think of that as a good thing because I think it's the only way that I'm going to get through this.

And I promise you that I I will do my best to look after your dad and help him in any way that I can, I know that I could never replace you, but I'm going to do my best to help him and to be there for him.

And I can't put anything like this on Facebook right now cuz I'm in Facebook jail for 7 days. Which I know you would find hilarious. But that's okay maybe it's best that I put it on here cuz this is mostly for me anyways and right now maybe I not ready to talk to other people about you because that'll make it real and I don't want it to be real. I want to call your phone and I want you to answer it I don't want to see if you want to do something Saturday and I want to convince you to leave the house even if you don't want to. That's all I want. But I'm used to the fact that I'm very rarely get what I want.

I am going to miss Tim I'm going to miss him a lot I love him.

Rest in peace my brother, until we meet again.

#r.i.p. tim #covid sucks #i miss him already #only the good die young

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