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#so maybe my unhealthy coping mechanism isn't so unhealthy after all!
eternal-echoes · 4 months
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I haven't seen any animes with siscon trope so maybe that's why it's easier for me to have a charitable interpretation on Yuri's obsession to his sister that it isn't sexual but what Spy x Family has shown is that it's a series all about trauma and how it really changes people's lives.
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First it was Twilight hating the sound of children crying which he eventually realizes that it's been triggering his childhood trauma. He hated so much what happened to him when he was young that he never want another kid to go through what he did. So that became his motivation for being a spy. And that motivation is what made him the greatest spy of Westalis.
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In the case of Yuri, he would see his sister come home from her assassin job all bloody without an explanation (this is probably from Yor's early assassin days when she hasn't mastered cleaning up after serving her customers to completely wash away evidence). That's going to make a huge psychological impact on a kid that's still growing and developing.
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And because Yor would bring home something he likes (possibly to get him away from questioning further why she's all bloody but also because as his sister she loves him dearly), he goes through these extreme swings of mood changes from fear and happiness without being properly consoled from the first emotion - it's just sorta stays buried and untreated inside him. I think that's what made him mentally unstable.
And on top of the trauma of having lost his parents when he was young, that sent him over the edge to wanna hold onto his only remaining relative.
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He is overly clingy with his sister, but he has said that he wants her to find someone she can find happiness in because he became successful because of her:
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He simply wants to make sure that the person she marries is someone who can do what he wants to do for her himself - protecting her.
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Yuri probably wouldn’t be wishing that Loid and Yor get divorce and the Forger family out of the Briar’s lives if maybe Loid had introduced himself to Yuri as Yor’s suitor first and eventually ask for his permission to ask Yor’s hand in marriage.
Yuri maybe would have been reluctant to see his sister dating at first but he may eventually come to accept it. But Loid came in to his life already married to his sister without even asking for his blessing.
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Since Yuri had only had Yor ever since from their tragic accident of losing their parents when they were young, Loid seemed like an intruder in his life. Yor being married for a year without him knowing seems to him like thinning out their bond since she is essentially starting a family of her own, without his knowledge at first.
With a different last name and different priorities.
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My point here is that Yuri is reacting to Yor's marriage from the perspective of a mentally unwell person who hasn't healed from his childhood trauma. He's dealing with it with an unhealthy coping mechanism.
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the-boy-meets-evil · 8 months
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some habits are hard to break | feat. jungkook
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(where you know that jungkook is the last person you should keep running back to, but neither of you can seem to let the other go.)
pairing: jungkook x fem!reader genre: angst, smut, est. relationship rating: explicit, minors DNI word count: ~12.5k warnings: the relationship isn't healthy (but they're very human), miscommunications, misplaced hope, bad habits, unhealthy coping mechanisms, cheating (reader on unnamed boyfriend), mentions of past trauma (reader), mentions of therapy, mentions of mental health struggles (reader), explicit smut: unprotected sex (don't do this), fingering (f. receiving), oral sex (f. receiving), handjob, semi public sex (behind a closed door at a club), teasing, hair pulling, light choking, i think that's it but let me know if i missed anything
a/n: she is finally here! i did not expect this fic to take me this long, but here we are. thank you to one of my favorite humans @ugh-yoongi for reading this over and assuring me they weren't terrible, just human. this story feels personal to me so that was reassuring.
a/n 2: lauren has asked for a pt 2, so i’ll be writing that after i get through both my collabs due in august 💕 banner/divider credit: my bby @classicscreations who always comes through tagging: @pjmparadise @axialitae
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Every single thought is the same. You know better than to send the text sitting on your phone. You know precisely why it’s wrong. You know that nothing is ever going to change.
Here’s the thing. You’re in a healthy, stable relationship with someone who’s good to you and for you. He’s honest and caring, funny and sweet. Despite all of your baggage, he never makes you feel less than, never makes you feel broken. This is the first time in your life that you’ve been able to lay all your shit on the table and have someone accept it unconditionally. And he always does what he says he’s going to. You’re never up waiting at 2 in the morning, wondering where he is because he hasn’t called or texted.
So, yeah, things with him are good, great even.
But…
And that’s the thing, isn’t it? As soon as there’s a but, it’s like you can’t see all of the good. It’s all just a placeholder before what may be the worst three-letter word in the English language. You wonder if it means there’s just something fundamentally wrong with you. Who looks for the “buts” of every situation? Why can’t you just appreciate all the truly wonderful things in your relationship?
Because you’ve had the one thing you’re missing. You know it exists and it’s hard to forget.
Your boyfriend is great, perfect, even, in almost every way that matters. It’s just, you’re not exactly…satisfied. And you know that you could guide him to be better for you in that way. He just seems a bit sensitive about it at times and you don’t want to make him feel less than since he never does that to you.
This is exactly why you’re staring at your phone. Paralyzed because you both want to send the text and know you really can’t. Your body remembers his, remembers the way the slightest touch sent your heart racing. You try to also remember every word he’s ever uttered to you, too, because he’s always been very clear about who he is.
It’s fucked up that you’re even considering it, beyond wrong that you typed those 5 words out in an empty conversation thread. (Even though you usually keep every conversation, you deleted this one after you got serious about your boyfriend. You say it’s to keep the temptation away, but really, how well is that working now?)
You: what are you up to?
Just like that, your need to fill your desires wins out against every other rational thought you have. Part of you hopes that he doesn’t respond. It’s been months since you last spoke and you know he’s got a short attention span. Maybe he’ll spare you having to make a final decision.
Jungkook: out getting some drinks with friends
He doesn’t. His answer comes in far quicker than you expect it to and you get that same feeling in your stomach. Like anticipation mixed with desire. You’re so fucked.
Jungkook: what are you up to?
Tomorrow you’ll look back and realize this is a chance to bow out, to realize that this is a mistake. That you hadn’t sealed your fate when you sent the first message. You could still just bow out and walk away, leave the message unanswered.
You don’t.
You: nothing, just at home alone Jungkook: what about the boyfriend? You: away for work
You know that you should feel bad now. A normal person might realize that this was destructive behavior, that you’re purposely sabotaging your own long-term happiness for instant gratification. At least, that’s what your therapist tells you.
Jungkook: I can be home in 15 minutes, I’m just around the corner
The message is really your last chance, whether you consciously think about it or not. There was no preamble with Jungkook. He assumes you’re texting him so you can come over. And he’s right, isn’t he? You weren’t exactly texting to catch up with someone you weren’t ever friends with anyway. No, you’re both adults and you know what this is. Just like you’ve always known.
You: give me 30 and I’ll be over
Was there really any other outcome? From the moment you opened Jungkook’s contact to start a text, this was the inevitable end. You can pretend that you have control and you were on the fence. But, you know the truth, and so does Jungkook. He knows it from the moment your name appears on his lock screen. This only ends one way, the same way it’s ended countless times before.
Thirty minutes later, after cleaning up and getting dressed, you stand on Jungkook’s doorstep. There’s a moment where you genuinely question if this is smart. Smart is the wrong word, you think. Of course, this is fucking stupid. You could ask 100 people and every single one of them would probably tell you to turn around. So no, this isn’t smart.  The real question is if you’re going to do it anyway.
Jungkook opens the door before you even knock and the question dies. There he is, in baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt, like the true fuckboy you know he is, and your body remembers. It remembers every kiss, every touch, every tremble. It starts to react without your permission.  By the smirk he’s wearing, you can tell Jungkook remembers too.
“Right on time,” he says, leaning against the door frame like he needs the support.
“Are we gonna have a whole conversation out here?” It’s a challenge and a mistake all rolled into one.
He doesn’t answer, just moves aside so that you can step past him. There’s a moment, as you’re stepping past him and glancing around his apartment, of nerves. Of wondering what the fuck is going on. But his apartment hasn’t changed, not that you expected it to, and neither has he.
“Want anything to drink?” he asks, moving around you to the kitchen. He looks back over his shoulder at you, a confident smirk on his lips. “We could do a couple shots.”
“Trying to get me drunk?” you wonder. Still, you follow him into the kitchen.
“No, definitely not.” His answer is swift and his eyes roam over you, appraising. “You just seem a little on edge.”
“Wonder why that is,” you huff out.
Jungkook leans back against the counter, eyes still trained on you. “If you don’t want to be here…”
“I didn’t say that either,” you respond.
There’s this weird tension settling between the two of you and you’re not really sure what to do about it. Not really sure how to get out of your head for even a second. That’s when you feel Jungkook’s hands on your hips, pulling you back against his body where he still leans against the counter.
“I don’t want you to feel pressured,” he says and dips his head to kiss along your jawline.
“I don’t,” you respond.
“Do you want me to stop?” he whispers against your skin as he continues to kiss down your neck.
The only thing that comes out for a second is a hum when Jungkook lightly sucks at the base of your neck where it meets your collarbone. “No.”
“Are you sure?” He’s pulled back now and looking you directly in the eye.
You take a breath and then another when your heart starts to speed up. The only thoughts are of his lips on yours, his fingers grazing along your body. Slowly your fingers trail up his arms and he doesn’t move at all. Just watches you and waits for you to make your decision. Leaves it all up to you.
So you do the only thing you can, the only thing you were going to do once you sent that text. You let your fingers find purchase in his hair and you press your lips hard against his. He’s turning the two of you around in an instant so it’s you pressed into the counter. The kiss is hard and desperate, like you’ve both been starved and this is the only way to solve that. His hands feel like they’re everywhere and it’s still not enough, not completely what you need. Nobody has ever set your body on fire just from kissing the way Jungkook does. It’s bliss the way your brain goes almost silent except for thoughts of him. And you know he’s just as turned on, can feel it in the way he’s pressing against you.
Jungkook kisses down your neck again and you don’t even bother to hold back the moan. When you feel him lightly sucking into your skin before pulling away, part of you wishes he’d do it harder. Wishes he’d leave a mark. Wishes for something to show what you’re doing here tonight without you having to say it. He doesn’t, though, and you know he wouldn’t even if you asked.
Instead he pulls away, smirks at your whimper from the lack of contact, and reaches for the hem of your shirt. He’s still asking permission, so you give it. Your shirt and bra disappear in record time and his mouth is back on. Softly kissing down the space between your breasts and across the underside of one. It’s too much, the way he knows exactly what you need, the way his lip ring teases you as he moves across your skin, the way he stops to just look at you when he knows he’s driving you crazy.
Well, you think, two can play at that game. Before he even realizes what you’re doing, you’re spitting into your hand and reaching inside his sweats and boxers (since he’s annoyingly still clothed). You’re slowly dragging your hand along his length, moving painfully slowly. He groans when you slide your thumb over his tip and pulls back.
“Fuck,” he says and slowly pulls your hand out.
“What?” you ask, actually confused.
“Come on, I can’t fuck you against this counter but if we don’t get out of here, I’m gonna try,” he says and pulls you along into the bedroom.
Jungkook kisses you hard and lightly pushes you back onto the bed. You prop yourself up to watch him quickly undress. You love watching the way his muscles contract with each movement, love the lean lines of his body, absolutely love everything about him. If he sees you watching him, which you’re sure he does, he doesn’t say anything. Instead he leans over you, kisses you hard again as he pulls your pants and underwear off nearly in one motion.
“Eager,” you taunt.
“You won’t be saying that when you can’t walk tomorrow,” he says.
Before you can answer, Jungkook is flipping you over so that you’re on your hands and knees, pressing down on your back so your ass is in the air. You’re a little surprised, because usually he takes his time with you. Not that you’re complaining. He moves on the bed and then you hear a bottle opening seconds before you feel the cold liquid at your entrance. He may be a lot of things, but he always makes sure you’re taken care of.
Despite his words, he still slides into you slowly and lets you adjust to him. His hands grip your hips tightly as he rolls his hips into you almost carefully, like he’s not sure if you’re adjusted. It’s bordering on painful that he’s so still.
“Fuck Jungkook, move,” you whine.
“What’s that?” he asks.
“Just fuck me, please fuck me,” you beg and you hear the low chuckle.
“Thought you’d never ask,” he says and snaps into you hard.
“Fuckkkkkk,” you draw out.
Removing one hand from your hip, he presses you back down into the mattress. You arch your back further so he has a better angle and let the pillow muffle your moans. It mixes with his own groans and the slap of his skin against yours every time he buries himself fully inside you. There’s something frantic about it and you’re sure this is what you’ve been missing. Sure this is what you need. He removes his hand from your hip again and roughly slaps your ass.
“Oh my god, Jungkook,” you yell.
He slaps your other ass cheek and it makes you scream out again. Yes, this is what you need. Someone to be a little rougher with you. Someone who doesn’t treat you like you’re going to break or worry if you can take it because he knows. He knows exactly what you can take and exactly what you like. Him pulling on your hair is only further proof of that.
And then he’s pulling you to him, so that your back is against his chest. The new angle has him hitting deeper inside you, reaching that spot that nearly has you seeing stars. Jungkook moves his hand out of your hair around your neck, gripping lightly.
“Do you like that, baby?” he whispers roughly in your ear.
“Yes,” you moan out.
“Because I fuck you the best,” he continues.
“Jungkook, fuck, just fucking choke me, please,” you beg, unbothered by how much you’re begging him.
That doesn’t need any answer from him beyond his fingers tightening around your throat. It’s the perfect pressure too, just like every other time he’s choked you while fucking. It makes you feel a little lightheaded but also like everything feels that much more amplified. Every hard thrust into your cunt pushes you closer to the edge. Every breath sounds louder. Everything is just more.
He also knows your body to know when you’re close. You almost whine when he removes his hand from your throat because you felt like you were about to come. And then he rubs a thumb over your clit, continues to make sure you come first, like always.
“Fuck, fuck, I’m gonna come,” you shout.
“Come on baby, I wanna feel you come,” he says into your ear.
It’s the only permission you need as you let go. Somewhere, in the haze of your high, you can tell that he’s coming too, that his release comes just after yours. It’s all you can do not to slump against his body, though. His arms are strong around you as he pulls out so that both of you can lay down on the bed.
A few minutes later, after he’s cleaned you both off and you’re lying together in bed, you wonder how you’re going to extract yourself. You’ve never really felt awkward around him, so you’re not really sure why you do now.
“I should be going,” you say and start to sit up.
Jungkook is quick to pull you back down. He meets your look of confusion with nothing but desire. You think, not for the first time, it’s the kind of look that you drown in. The kind of look that ruins you.
“And just where do you think you’re going?” he asks.
“Home?” you offer.
“Why?” he fires back.
“I don’t know, Jungkook, we already fucked,” you say. Part of you is a little exasperated at having to spell it out.
“Do you really think I’m going to let you leave here when I haven’t even tasted you?” he asks.
Fuck.
(He follows through with exactly what he says. It’s slow and measured, like he wants to pull apart every thread you have one by one. Like he wants to ruin you for anyone that isn’t him. Like he doesn’t know he already has.
The lip ring is new since the last time you fucked him and you’re not sure if you’ll even be able to tell when he’s between your legs. Until you’re praising him so loudly you’re sure his neighbors must hear. Or maybe it’s just because he’s so good at getting you off. Even if tonight, he takes his time, brings you to the edge over and over before finally letting you slip over.
It’s the early hours of the morning by the time you’re both worn out. You offer to call a ride, only to have him insist you stay. It’s much too late to be going anywhere when he’d be worried if you were safe or not. So you stay and it’s the best sleep you’ve gotten in awhile.)
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The wait is excruciating. Your boyfriend comes home tonight and it’s terrible timing, you know, but you also know that you have to tell him what happened. It isn’t fair to him to just go on without knowing. He’s one of the kindest people in the world, doesn’t deserve this. He’s not broken like you, something you’ve pointed out since the beginning. Maybe those intrusive thoughts were right and you just aren’t built for healthy relationships.
Although you haven’t told many of your friends what happened, you had to confide in a few. Each of them tells you that you shouldn’t tell him what happened. They say that it’s just one of those things where confessing might make you feel better, but it’ll only make him feel shitty. It’s hard to know how he’ll feel. Shitty is probably fair. But, you think they’re wrong about how you’ll feel. Getting this off your chest will just replace one weight with another. Wanting to come clean isn’t about clearing your own conscience. It’s about honesty and him having the ability to make an informed decision.
It actually goes far better than you thought, somehow. He’s hurt, how could he not be? Despite that, he’s calm in the conversation. Instead of breaking it off there and then, which is what you expect, he suggests taking a step back. It’ll allow the relationship to be less defined and maybe less serious. You can’t really believe it when he says that he’s there to work things out with you and give you the space to figure out what you need. It breaks your heart a little bit more, somehow, to see him so patient with you. You don’t deserve it.
Instead of seeing this as a failure, he wants you to see it for what he sees it as. This is just a slip, a step back. There’s been so much trauma in your life that it’s natural for you to have moments where you slip. He’s hurt, yes, he’ll admit that, but he’s not angry with you. At the end of the day, he genuinely cares for you and he’s willing to do whatever it is the both of you need in order to move forward. You both agree that therapy as a couple might be important. However, he insists that it can wait while you sort through how you’re feeling.
Overall, you think you feel okay about it. Things will look different with him for the time being, but you can actually see past this moment in time. That’s new for you. You’re feeling hopeful for the future and you even let yourself imagine a future with him in it. Maybe this isn’t the end of the world after all. Maybe this is just something you actually needed to close a chapter.
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Weeks go by. Therapy is back to being once a week, sometimes twice when the sessions fit into your work schedule, and you do trust this therapist. Really, you do. She listens to everything you say and interjects in meaningful ways. It’s clear that she’s actually listening to you and giving you genuine feedback, rather than some previous therapists that only asked how something made you feel. Sitting in that office has forced you to face a lot of deep-seated issues, everything from your childhood to past relationships to the deepest recesses of your mind. Sometimes you don’t really want to relive those moments, but she’s always done a good job of explaining why you need to do the work.
But…
And there it is, again, that stupid three-letter word that brings everything to a screeching halt.
Despite all your therapist’s work, there’s a part of you that doesn’t see the future anymore. Therapy is wonderful and you’re actually really thankful you found this therapist. You’re sleeping better, you feel lighter, and the world doesn’t feel like it’s going to crush you every day. Maybe she’s a little too good at her job, though, because you’re wondering how to move forward. Your boyfriend is perfect…for someone. And you’re not sure anymore if that someone is you.
It’s been weeks and he’s still just content to take the backseat while you do whatever work you need to do. It’s stupid, you know it’s stupid, but you want him to fight for you. You want to see that he is actually upset over what happened with Jungkook. It’s not healthy, you know that and your therapist reminds you it’s not healthy. You’re doing everything you can to make your brain catch up that it’s not healthy. You can’t shake it, though. All the doubts and insecurities creep back in when he still doesn’t seem bothered.
So you do the only thing you can think of, the thing your therapist disagrees with. Well, disagrees with the reasoning, not with the idea itself. You break off the relationship. He tries to approach it in such a way that leaves the door open for you both to come back to it down the road. You don’t want loose ends, so you lie. It hurts to see his face crumble when you say you just don’t love him and he should find someone that does. It’s cruel. You hate yourself for doing it. But you think it’s easier this way. This is too comfortable and you don’t want to string him along.
Then, you make the second decision your therapist disagrees with and text Jungkook. After seeing she can’t make you see her perspective on the break-up, she suggests spending some time alone to learn more about yourself. That’s terrifying. If she could hear your thoughts, surely she would not suggest leaving you alone with them. They’re intrusive and self-sabotaging and just loud, so loud.
Unsurprisingly, Jungkook is happy to hear from you, happier still to know that you’re unattached again. Not that he minds being discreet, he’s happy to confine things to the four walls of his apartment. It’s just that he also likes to get you dressed up and go out. He’s always liked having someone pretty on his arm, even if he’s just at some local sports bar.
That’s not where you end up tonight, though. Your head is especially loud and you want some quiet. Need to get lost in something other than the potential mess you’re making of your life. When Jungkook suggests a club a friend of his owns, you say yes before he even finishes asking. The place is familiar to you and it’s perfect, in all its noise, low lighting, and crowded spaces. There’s no better way (at least as far as you know) of quieting your brain than going somewhere even louder.
It’s easy to get lost, several drinks in, as you press your back into Jungkook on the dance floor. The tight dress that seemed like such a good idea rides up your thighs now, with a little help from the light sheen of sweat covering your body and a little more help from Jungkook’s hands that grip you tightly.
Everything is familiar. You’ve been here before, to this exact club with Jungkook, more than once. And it’s the kind of easy you’re looking for now. As his hand inches further up your thigh, you press further back into him, looking to erase any space between the two of you. Tonight is just to forget and Jungkook is excellent at that.
Maybe if you were a little less drunk, you would stop his hand. You are in public, after all. As it is, you really don’t care. He likes to tease, gets off knowing someone may see, and you’re not in the mood to put a stop to it. Tonight, he seems even more daring than usual. He lets his thumb graze the thin layer of fabric at your core, likely feeling how much you want him. You shudder as his warm breath tickles your ear.
“There’s a storage closet in the back that might be unlocked,” he says, voice low with desire.
And that’s new because you’re certain that of all the times you’ve fucked Jungkook, none of them have been at the club. It’s been close, getting a little carried away under the table in one of the VIP booths, running his hand up your shirt on the dance floor, but you’ve never fucked him here. You’re also a little too tipsy to register that at the moment when all you want is him.
It’s too loud for you to answer him so you just squeeze his hand and nod. That’s all the permission he needs, anyway. Before you can give it a second thought, he’s pulling you off the dance floor and down a hallway. He looks around like he’s not completely sure where he’s going and then sees a door.
The door opens and you’re both in without another thought. Jungkook crowds your space, pressing you against the closed door and stealing your gasp with his lips on yours. Your hands find purchase in his slightly shaggy hair and one of his hands digs into your hip, holding you firmly in place. Like there’s anywhere else you would rather be in that moment.
From the moment his lips make contact with yours, you remember why you ignored your therapist and walked away from your relationship. It’s just a kiss, granted a pretty heated one, but still. It’s just a kiss and your whole body is alive in a way it hasn’t been since the last time you were with him. As he trails kisses across your jaw and down your neck, you can feel the heat he leaves behind with each touch.
Jungkook also never makes you feel self-conscious about the way your body responds to him. Not that your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend now, ever said anything about your moans, but he was also really quiet in bed. And you stopped reacting as much, because it wasn’t the best part of your relationship. Not that you want to be dwelling on that now. Not as Jungkook is working his way down your body, clearly just as turned on as you, eliciting soft moans as he goes.
When he drops to his knees in front of you, you think you may really be done for. He lifts one of your legs and rests it on his shoulder, your dress hiking up around your hips in the process. You lean back against the door for support as his tongue makes contact through the thin fabric. It’s another tease, a Jungkook specialty, and you find you don’t much care. Thankfully, he quickly moves the fabric to the side. The movements of his tongue, fast and slow and fast again, are perfect. Your brain goes blank, just the kind of blank you need. No thoughts except for his tongue on you and the bliss of it. Even the thud of the bass out in the club dulls to background noise. Every one of your senses is present in this moment in a way you haven’t been lately.
His movements quicken and you knot your hands in his hair both to find purchase and to let him know that you’re close. Not that it’s hard to tell by the increase in your moans. He knows what he’s doing and he knows that he’s got you on the edge. You want to tell him that you want to feel him inside you and can’t make yourself speak the words. A second later it doesn’t matter. He slides one finger in, then quickly adds another and your brain goes fuzzy.
He pushes you over the edge too fast, you want to savor more of this moment, more of him. You register that somewhere in your bliss coming down from the orgasm. You need more of him, more contact, more of whatever it is that makes your brain go quiet. You’re catching your breath and refocusing when you notice his pants down around his ankles. Did he get that hard just from getting you off? He’s already pulling a condom on and you’re almost relieved.
“You didn’t think I was done with you yet, did you?” His confidence drips off of him when he’s like this and you wish you were the kind of girl who had something witty to say back. You wish, at least now, that he didn’t affect you like this.
Instead, all you do is shake your head at him. You don’t trust yourself to speak and he doesn’t seem to mind. In one movement, he puts his hands on the back of your thighs and picks you up, still keeping you pressed against the door. The next second, he’s slowly sliding into you, letting you adjust. It’s the only break he gives you before setting a fast pace. Your legs tighten around him and your nails dig into his back. You’re sure they would leave a mark if he didn’t have a shirt on. Part of you hopes maybe they still will.
One of the best parts about Jungkook is that he doesn’t ever need to ask what you want, he just seems to know. He knows what you like and when you want something faster like this or when to take his time. It’s like he’s mapped your body with the way he’s able to hit just the right spots in just the right way.
Your head rolls back against the door, eyes closed and brain numb. Even then, he manages to bring you back to him, kissing up your neck until you meet his lips. The kiss is messy, capturing each of your moans as they escape. Jungkook’s grip on your thighs is as strong as the pace he’s setting and it isn’t long before you’re falling over the edge again.
A pleasant daze settles over you as you do your best to look presentable so that you can leave the club. (You don’t succeed and you definitely look just fucked, but the club is in full swing and the only people who might be able to tell are the poor workers that have to stay sober).
“Do you want to come back to my apartment?” Jungkook asks the question, one hand gripping yours while the other pulls up Uber on his phone to order a ride home.
And it’s kind of funny, how he asks like he doesn’t know the answer. In the time you’ve known him, Jungkook has been a lot of things, but he’s always been confident above all else. So it catches you off guard that he asks.
“As long as it’s okay with you,” you say and he smiles that easy smile.
“Of course,” he says.
You can’t really place the feeling that settles over you at such a small exchange, everything is crowded with the lingering effects of alcohol and sex. But something feels different and you think you like it. Almost like a part of you is waking up.
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The next few weeks pass in somewhat of a blur. You’re happier than you can remember feeling in a while, much more fulfilled in all aspects of your life. Despite some reservations that your therapist has, you agree to start seeing her every other week unless something changes. You’re hoping to drop it back down to once a month but understand her hesitance to make such a big change so quickly. It would be a shame to ruin all that forward progress, after all.
Most of your free time is spent with Jungkook, a fact that your best friends are quick to point out with some version of the same cautionary advice. They want you to be careful, want you to remember your history with him, don’t want you to get ahead of yourself. It seems like they just don’t understand. Yeah, you and Jungkook have been here before, multiple times, but this is different and they just haven’t seen that.
Every other time led up to this. It took a relationship falling apart for you to realize that none of the other times with Jungkook were failures, they were just your “right person, wrong time” moments. Now the timing is right for both of you.
You knock on the door to his apartment, surprise take out in one hand, realizing belatedly that maybe you should have given him a warning of some sort. What if he was busy or had already eaten?
“Oh hey, what a nice surprise,” Jungkook answers with a smile as he steps aside to let you in.
Suddenly, you feel kind of silly for the momentary worry that showing up like this would be too much. Jungkook seems like he meets you at each point, so this shouldn’t be any different. It also helps that you’ve known each other for years and you know the way to his heart (through his stomach with only his favorite foods).
The whole thing feels surprisingly normal in a way you weren’t expecting. Jungkook makes small talk as he gets plates from the kitchen and sets them down for you to eat. He offers you a drink from the fridge, gets one for himself, and it’s just…easy. The whole thing with him is easy and you’re so thankful that you took this chance. As it turns out, he’s exactly what you need. Maybe he’s even the reason your last relationship ended the way it did. Not that you would ever say that. For all his outward strength and his image, Jungkook can be surprisingly sensitive. The last thing you’d want would be him feeling responsible for causing other people pain.
You’re not really sure why you do it, but you mention that your friends have a lot of warnings about the relationship. In what should be typical Jungkook fashion, he brushes it, reassures you that you know what’s happening and that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter what your friends think because you’re both happy and living in the moment. You smile at that. This is definitely the best kind of happy.
Once you’ve gotten plates of food, you settle down together and Jungkook pulls up Netflix. He’s got a whole list of movies and shows that you can pick from, all things he wants to see or thinks you’d like, he tells you. And that’s sweet, isn’t it? That he sees something on Netflix and saves it in case you want to watch it together. It makes your heart constrict a little bit. It doesn’t feel like something you do with someone who’s only casual. Surely his thinking about you, when you aren’t around, is a positive sign.
You sigh happily and let him decide what it is he wants to watch. Not that the two of you ever really finish anything. It’s the thought that counts though. And Jungkook seems to be thinking of you. For a second you wonder if this is just the list he’s created for anyone he has over, you haven’t talked about seeing other people. Until you realize that most of them are thrillers. It’s your favorite genre but probably not good for generally inviting girls over. You really need to stop second-guessing everything with him.
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Another few weeks go by as easily as breathing and that small part of you that’s waiting for the other shoe to drop gets even quieter. You’re not even thinking that this feels different anymore because it is different. Instead of late-night (or really any odd hour of the day) texts, you’re making actual plans on when you’re going to see each other. It doesn’t feel like a fuck buddy, it feels like someone you’re moving along with in a different way. There’s a lightness to every space of your life now, a lightness that looks a lot like Jungkook.
Of all the things Jungkook is good at, and there’s a lot, because he’s hyper-competitive and doesn’t like losing, cooking is decidedly not one. That suits you just fine, though. Cooking is an absolute favorite of yours and cooking for someone you care about makes it all that much better. It had taken a little more convincing for Jungkook agree to you coming over and cook for him, he didn’t want to be a bother, but you were glad to be here now.
“I know this isn’t really what we do, but I have a family wedding to go to, for my cousin, and I was wondering if you’d come with me? It’s kind of last minute, I know. I just wasn’t expecting to have to go alone,” you say and Jungkook puts down his fork. You’re nervous again and you’re not quite sure why.
“Sure, why not?” Jungkook says easily.
“Really?” The question is out before you can stop it.
“I like spending time with you,” Jungkook says, “we have fun.”
“We do, yeah,” you agree. “It’s just…it’s like 2 hours away, so I got a room. And you’d obviously need a suit.”
“This may come as a surprise, but I have been to a wedding or two before, so I have plenty of suits. And what kind of idiot would I be to turn down an overnight date with you?” Jungkook is smiling as he says this and it puts you at ease.
“It’s in 2 weeks, which is really soon,” you say. Jungkook pulls out his phone.
“Friday or Saturday wedding?” He’s looking through his calendar to see what he’s got going on.
“Saturday,” you say and he puts his phone down.
“That’s fine, I’ve got something going on Friday, but Saturday and Sunday are all yours,” Jungkook says.
Easy. Everything is just easy. You weren’t even really thinking of asking him to come to the wedding when you decided to cook for him. It just seemed like the right timing to ask and your cousin had just texted you that afternoon asking if she should change the seating chart. Although she said it wasn’t a big deal, you know she’s secretly going to be relieved to not change anything.
Not planning things also really is your motto these days. You weren’t planning to stay over at Jungkook’s when you offered to cook. Yet you wake up in his bed the next morning all the same, like it was a foregone conclusion the second you stepped over the threshold.
You figure now that Jungkook is coming with you to a family wedding as your date, that your friends will get off of your back about him. And most of them do. It’s been over two months of seeing him, which makes it feel more stable. Mostly, they’re happy if you’re happy and know you’re enough of an adult to handle your own life. Most days, at least. It’s just one of your closest friends that’s holding out. Not that he doesn’t like Jungkook, because he does, he’s just also been friends with you since you were kids and he’s seen how this has gone.
“It’s different, Jimin,” you say for what feels like the hundredth time.
“Have you had The Talk?” He doesn’t put quotes around it, but you can hear them in his tone anyway.
“No, we haven’t had The Talk,” you say, matching his tone. “We’re both adults, like actual adults, I don’t think it’s necessary.”
“This time around with him started with you cheating on your ex,” Jimin says in a not-so-subtle reminder. If it were anyone else, you would leave.
“Thanks, I remember,” you bite back.
“I love you, you know that. I just want to make absolutely sure you’re not going to get hurt with this. I need to know he’s in this as much as you are,” Jimin says.
“Can you ever really know that?” The question seems valid enough.
“No, everything in relationships is a calculated risk. But it’s on you to make sure you have all the numbers before doing the calculations,” Jimin says.
“Meaning?” You think you know what he means, but it’s best to be sure.
“Meaning,” Jimin says with faux exasperation, “that the talk will let you know where he stands and allow you to be on the same page. He could lie, but then that’s on him if you get hurt. If you get hurt now, when you haven’t had the talk, that’s on you.”
“Little harsh, Jiminie,” you say, using the nickname to try and soften him.
It doesn’t work and he just shrugs. “We’ve done this song and dance a few times, maybe too many times. I just don’t want to see this end badly.”
“Then have a little faith, he is coming to a family wedding,” you say.
“And some of the way the conversation went makes me a little uneasy,” Jimin admits.
“Just have some faith. This time is different, I can feel it,” you say.
There’s a lot more than Jimin wants to say, a lot more he wants you to hear. But he’s also known you for years and seen you through every one of the Jungkook phases. People change all the time, he knows that. As people grow, the things they want or need evolve. Until you have an actual chat with him, though, Jimin is not ready to say this time will be different. It’s silly because he also knows that you’re going to do what you want, you always have. Not in a bad way, you’re just very stubborn when it comes to listening to advice. All he can do is hope for the best and be there if you need a shoulder. He tries not to think when you need a shoulder. As much as he likes being right, he likes you a whole lot more and he wants this to work.
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The wedding goes well, great even. Jungkook is a hot topic of conversation, with a number of your family members gushing over how attractive he is and how good you look together. It gives you a small amount of pride to hear it too, even if it shouldn’t. It’s also good to have someone to retreat to when your family gets overwhelming. The added benefit of them not knowing him is that you both can slip out of conversations much easier. He’s never met anyone in your family and they don’t have as many questions for him. You also did an excellent job of establishing that you and him are very early on in the relationship, so questions about getting more serious are off the table.
Staying in a hotel with Jungkook is also a much better experience than you thought. You’ve stayed at each other’s places countless times over the years, but you’ve never gone away somewhere together. Even though it’s only a few hours from home, everything feels different. Everything feels more intimate.  And there’s something to be said for hotel sex too. Everything is new and more exciting.
You reach out to Jimin the day after you get back to let him know how things went. And you’re a little surprised by his response. Instead of being excited for you that it’s going so well, he asks again if you’ve talked to Jungkook about where you are and where you’re going. It’s kind of a buzzkill and you’re quick to tell him so. But Jimin is stubborn too.
Jimin: I love you, you’re my best friend in the entire world, but I’m scared you’re going to end up hurt Jimin: I’ll be here to celebrate once you talk to him and I’ll say sorry when it’s all cleared up, but until then, I can’t fully support it
That hurts. It’s like he doesn’t realize that in not wanting Jungkook to hurt you, he’s hurting you instead. You shake that thought off as quickly as it comes, though. It’s not his intention to hurt you and somewhere deep down, you know he’s making sense. Jimin has been your go-to person for everything in your life since a matter of months into the friendship. The two of you were able to click in a way you haven’t really experienced with anyone else. So yeah, maybe, on some level, you get where he’s coming from and maybe you’ll understand later. Not right now, though. Right now you’re just hurt and a little angry at your best friend for not supporting you the way you want him to.
(Jimin, to his credit, does think he’s supporting you. It may not be in the way you want him to and you may not see it, but it’s the way he needs to support you. There’s a moment where he thinks that he’s the friend you deserve, just not the one you need right now. So he’ll let you be mad at him as long as you need to. Or maybe he’s been watching Dark Knight too much lately.)
This is where you know you’re not always the best at being an adult. Whether Jimin is right or not becomes irrelevant because you’re more concerned with not letting him win. It’s like he tells you something and you have to do the opposite, just because. Which, really, that’s probably something you need to address in therapy. It’s probably not a healthy approach, but it’s where you’re at for now.
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Things feel…a little different. Not good different, either. At first, you were positive that it was just the lingering effects of Jimin being Jimin. Even when he’s not speaking to you, since this is not the first time he’s done this, he’s very loud. But days go by and the pit in your stomach only gets deeper. You can’t separate your own thoughts and anxieties to see if anything with Jungkook is actually different.
When you stop to think about it, though, everything with Jungkook should be different. It’s been around three months now. Three months of you spending a truly absurd amount of time together. Three months of movie nights in, dinners out, random trips to the park. Three months of ending up in each other’s bed every time you went over. Three months of you not seeing anyone else. Was he seeing other people, though? Surely not. Would there really even be time?
But…
That nasty word coming up to haunt you again. But, could you really make any assumptions where another person was involved? After all, your ex had no reason to think anything was wrong with you, no reason to think the relationship was coming to a screeching halt. Yet, it did. It did because you stopped talking to him. Well, you didn’t stop talking to him, you said a lot of words. You just didn’t say any of the ones that actually mattered.
It’s impossible to keep the last conversation with Jimin off your mind. You will never tell him he was right, but you’re also constantly wondering if it’s time for that talk. Lately it’s been taking Jungkook longer to do everything. Longer to text you back, longer in between seeing each other, longer to come out of his phone if he checks it while you’re hanging out (something he never used to do).
And, okay, from the outside, you know how any of those things look. It’s just, you’re still really happy and you’re not really looking to give that up. You think that maybe what’s best, for now, is just to take a slight step back, not be the one to reach out to him and make plans. Either he’ll make plans with you or you will have the final push to have a conversation you should have had weeks ago. (Really, you should’ve had this conversation before you blew up your life, but who’s counting?)
Jungkook: hey, things have been kinda crazy with work, but can i see you tonight?
Which answers that, doesn’t it? You ignore your smarter thoughts, most of which are driven by Jimin’s words playing on repeat, and answer quicker than you should. Even though you offer to stop on your way to pick food up, Jungkook says he’s already picking something up and to just meet him at the apartment.
It’s all different now. Before, when things were only happy, you’d be excited that he knew you well enough to pick up takeaway for the both of you. Now, you wonder if he really has been busy with work. There’s something about the text that implies something’s shifted. You hate it and you want to just go back to before. Maybe tonight will be the perfect chance for that.
It’s not.
The silences are awkward and what’s worse is that you can’t tell if Jungkook feels awkward about it as well, or if it’s just you. Actually, what’s worse is you don’t know which you’d prefer. Then there’s this weird space between you while you’re watching a movie. It’s like you’re not really close enough to cuddle and you’re not really far enough away for it to be a normal, friend-sized space between you. It’s just this awkward limbo and you’re trying really hard not to overthink the space being a metaphor for where the two of you are in this weird relationship.
Jungkook is on his phone a lot throughout the movie too, which only worsens the way you feel. He says he’s still got a lot going on at work, that they’re in very real danger of missing deadlines and he’s so sorry. The rational part of you really wants to let it be that. The louder part of you, the one you know is irrational, can’t leave it alone. At least internally. You know you can’t say anything out loud and have it come across right. Your internal monologue is another story, though.
But, that’s the thing, isn’t it? You made a lot of assumptions about where you were with Jungkook, about what the two of you were doing, about it being a relationship. The reality is you’ve been fucking regularly for months now and haven’t bothered to define things. It was perfect at the beginning, when Jungkook insisted that the two of you knew what was happening and what other people thought didn’t matter. It made you feel like it was you against everyone else. Which should’ve been a clue. A relationship should never put you against the people outside of it. A healthy relationship should be able to integrate into your regular life.
You don’t stay over at his place that night. Jungkook offers and even makes it seem like he wants you to. You might even believe him if he didn’t mention getting up early for work and checking his phone. That annoying voice in the back of your head is shouting danger, danger, danger. The ugly thoughts wonder if he actually wants you to stay at all or if he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy for sending you home.
He gives you a kiss in the doorway and you’re on your way out. The last little bit of positivity in the back of your mind is hoping he’ll change his mind, that he’ll come rushing out and say he’s been stupid. Of course he wants you to stay and of course it’s worth it being tired at work tomorrow because he’s missed you, things have been off, and he wants to make sure he fixes them.
But, he doesn’t do any of those things. The doubts firmly take hold of your brain.
The next day, you’re still thinking over what you want to do when you get an unexpected text from him. He’s got a function after work, the kind of thing where you have to go to a bar and pretend you want to be socializing with coworkers off the clock, but it’s okay because the boss usually buys a few rounds. It’s the kind of thing someone might ask their partner to come to, so they’re not so bored.
Jungkook’s message is clear. He wants to see you. After he’s done with the work function, which he warns might not be until later. So he understands if it’s too late for you to come over since it is still during the week and you have to work tomorrow. He seems genuinely excited when you say you’ll definitely still come over and your heart constricts for a second.
You need to set your phone aside, just for a second, just long enough to let your heart settle back down, because you’ve made up your mind. It’s time (past time, honestly) that you have a real conversation with Jungkook. This last exchange proves it. You’re back to being the girl he calls up after a night out at the bar, the booty call for sex. Admittedly, it is the best sex you’ve ever had, but that’s not the point. For a bit, you were the girl that he made plans with. And, yeah, he’s asking you before he goes to the bar if you’ll be there after. But, the fact is, it’s still same day and it’s not really anything more than a hook-up text.
The text from Jungkook letting you know he’s heading home comes and you take a couple shots to give yourself the confidence to go through with The Talk. You weren’t planning on driving anyway. No matter how this goes, you’re not planning to head home afterwards so having your car seems more inconvenient than anything.
Apparently, Jungkook only beats you there by a few minutes, which might’ve bothered you in any other situation. The way he says it sounds accusatory in your mind. All you can see now is talking before you lose the little bit of liquid courage you have.
“Do you want to watch a movie or do you just want to…” Jungkook asks, trailing off suggestively.
That pit in the bottom of your stomach worsens. The unfinished question hangs between you like a glaring sign saying he just wants to fuck you. It all just feels really cheap and like another waste of your time. Just another in a long line of mistakes. Only one way to find out, though, and so you take a deep breath and dive in.
“Actually, I kind of wanted to talk to you,” you say and that brings him up short.
“About what?” Jungkook asks.
He seems defensive. It’s all wrong. Something in you had been holding out hope that this would go exactly the way you wanted it to. That hope gets harder to hold onto.
“Just…this, us,” you say, hating how you sound so unsure.
“Us?” Jungkook asks and somehow that makes you angrier. Is he being fucking stupid on purpose?
“Yeah, Jungkook, us,” you say with more bite than you intended. “We’ve been doing this dance for, what, like 3 or 4 months? What are we doing, exactly?”
Jungkook’s confused. He gets this look on his face sometimes, like he’s trying to work out a really complex calculus problem and just can’t make things make sense. It makes him look younger, more innocent. It makes you want to protect him. But you can’t afford to think that way, and he doesn’t need to be protected.
“We’re just, I don’t know, we’re hanging out. We’ve been having fun, you know, everything is just easy, which is nice,” Jungkook says.
“Just hanging out and having fun? What, are we back in college?” Your voice raises an octave because, despite all your planning, you really aren’t ready for this.
“I’m not really sure what’s happening here,” Jungkook admits.
“I’m just confused,” you admit in return. “Like we’re always together, we go out on dates. You came with me to a family wedding for fuck’s sake.”
“Yeah, because I like hanging out with you and the wedding seemed important to you,” Jungkook says.
“It was important but still, what is this?”
Jungkook really still looks helpless and you’re constantly reminding yourself not to take care of him. It’s not what either of you needs. “Why does it have to be something defined? Why does there have to be this big deal?”
“Because we’re grown now, because I can’t keep blowing up my life for…” you start, but cut yourself off, quickly closing your mouth again.
“No, blowing your life up for what? For me?” Jungkook asks and you look away, unable to see him looking at you like that. “I never asked you to blow up your life for me.”
“You didn’t exactly turn me away that night either. You knew I was in a relationship,” you say and he scoffs.
“Yeah, I did know. But last time I checked, it’s not my responsibility to make sure you don’t cheat on your partner. I wasn’t the one in a relationship,” Jungkook says.
“No, because you’re never in a relationship, you’re always just having fun,” you say, voice dripping with disdain.
“And what’s so wrong with that? I’ve never been anything but honest about exactly who I am and what I want,” Jungkook says.
“People change all the time! Excuse me for thinking you’d grow the fuck up and realize actually being with someone isn’t that bad,” you say and Jungkook rolls his eyes again.
“What do you think I’ve been doing? I know being with someone isn’t bad. We’ve been having a great time for months until whatever the fuck this is,” Jungkook says.
“And how many other girls have you been having a good time with at the same time?” The question is out before you can even figure out if you want to ask it.
Opposite you, Jungkook rolls his lips together, like he’s trying to give himself a minute before answering. He can have a short temper at times.
“I’m not really sure why the answer to that question matters,” Jungkook says and you shake your head.
“I should’ve known,” you say.
“None though, for the record. Like I told you, I’ve been busy at work. So, I’m either there, working out, playing video games, or with you,” he says and you come up short.
“What?”
“Don’t take that the wrong way,” Jungkook says quickly. “I haven’t fucked anyone else in months, and I haven’t wanted to either. I’ve been having a great time with you. But, that also doesn’t mean this is something more than it is.”
“Meaning?” The balloon of hope pops just as quickly as it formed and you’re feeling even worse than before.
“Meaning,” Jungkook starts. “I don’t want…this. I don’t want to be fighting with you about some bullshit definition of what we are or where we’re headed. I like you, I do. But my answers to those still haven’t changed from the first time we hooked up 7 years ago. I don’t want that super committed relationship with expectations and check-ins and eventually marriage. I don’t want a house and kids and a white picket fence so the dog doesn’t get out.”
“You make it sound like a death sentence,” you say, completely deflated.
“I don’t mean to, it’s just not for me. It’s not what I’ve ever wanted and I’ve never kept that a secret,” Jungkook says. “I mean, I don’t know, maybe it is like a death sentence for me.”
“It feels like a slap in the face,” you admit and Jungkook bristles at that.
“Why? Because I don’t want the same things as you?”
You struggle to find the right words because that’s not what you meant. “Because you must have known it’s what I wanted and yet we still kept going.”
“I guess I figured you heard me when I said, over and over again, that it wasn’t what I wanted,” Jungkook says. “I figured you heard me and you could make your decisions on what you wanted.”
“It just seemed like…” you start and frown. “We’re always together, it felt like more.”
“So you just assumed that it was something more without even asking me about it?” Jungkook asks and gets a glare in response.
“Okay, that’s a little extreme,” you say.
“Is it? I can see it. You’re mad at me, which I get, kind of,” Jungkook admits. “But also, I don’t get it? Because none of this had to happen. If you’d talked to me instead of building it all up in your head…”
“Wow, that was kind of a dick move,” you retort and he shakes his head.
“Or is it a dick move to create a whole relationship in your head and then make me the bad guy for not being on the same page?”
That brings you up short again. Does he have a point? Is that what you’ve been doing all this time?
“I do actually care about you,” Jungkook says. “I know that may be hard to believe, but I do. It’s also really fucked up to create a whole world in your head and then turn me into the bad guy for not being on the same page. I always said we were having fun, that it didn’t matter what friends thought, that we’re just going a day at a time.”
“Because you knew, Jungkook, you had to,” you say. He furrows his eyebrows at you. “You’ve always said things like that and for what? What reason do you have to constantly remind me what this is if you don’t think there’s confusion?”
“Once again, it is not my job to force a conversation you may want to have. Weren’t you just saying we’re not still in college? That goes both ways,” Jungkook says.
Round and round and round in circles you and Jungkook go. You’re mad at him for something that he may not even be able to control, something that you’ve always known about him. And you’re mad that he’s known you probably weren’t on the same page for a while. He’s mad that you’ve had so many of these conversations in your head or with friends without cluing him in. He’s mad that he feels like the bad guy.
The whole fight feels pointless, honestly. You both are mad at the other and maybe you both have a reason to be annoyed. Maybe he has a point and maybe you need to take a step back to examine some of the decisions that you’ve made too. Maybe he’s not the only one bringing this house of cards crashing to the floor.
And maybe that’s not something you want to deal with tonight.
The rational part of your brain knows you should leave and call an Uber straight to Jimin’s apartment. That same part knows that even if he has someone over, he’ll drop everything to make sure you’re okay. He won’t even start the I told you so until tomorrow. Because Jimin can be a giant pain in the ass when he wants to, but he’s got the biggest heart in the world. Going to Jimin’s is absolutely the right decision.
That’s why you call an Uber and head to the bar.
After a few drinks, the empty seat next to you is taken by a stranger with fluffy hair and an easy smile. Despite your protests, he takes over your tab so that you can keep drinking. It’s a bad idea, you know it’s a bad idea, and you don’t really care. You don’t really have any room for good ideas right now.
For his part, he actually seems like a decent guy, if you were sober and present enough to notice. He tells you his name, his job, about his friends. You think he even mentions movies he likes. Nothing about it feels like the normal situation at a bar. Then again, it’s a Wednesday night, not exactly prime time to be out picking someone up.
The next morning, you wake up in a too bright room in an unfamiliar bed and immediately start piecing things together. The conversation with Jungkook and your subsequent decision to get completely shit-faced come rushing back. A sense of shame washes over you. This is the part where some attractive guy, usually one you somehow know, walks into the bedroom, maybe wearing just a towel, and you realize what you did.
Except this isn’t a movie, thankfully, and somehow you’re actually clothed in the bed. You’re in an oversized t-shirt and gym shorts, but you also still have your bra and underwear on. Likely a sign that nothing happened beyond you getting embarrassingly drunk last night. Actually, looking around the room, it looks more like a guest bedroom than the master. Did you actually manage to find a decent guy when you were hellbent on making bad decisions?
You aren’t really in the mood to figure any of it out. Your clothes are folded up beside the bed and, when you get up, you hear the shower running. It’s the perfect time to leave without having to have an awkward conversation. And since you were at your quota for those, you grab your phone from beside the table and slip out, thankfully unseen.
First up, your text thread with Jimin. Which is a mistake, of course you had texted him and of course it was barely coherent. But bless Jimin, honestly, because you see he had taken care of calling you out of work. Actually, bless him for having all your passwords and being able to sign into your email to send the message. You know part of him calling you out is also so that he can carry out his Jimin-approved therapy, but you’ll take it. You’ll even take him telling you he was right.
In a slightly uncharacteristic move, Jimin is waiting outside your door when the Uber drops you off. He’s already been shopping for the essentials and he’s got his arms open for you to collapse into him before even crossing the threshold into the apartment. There’s nothing on his face except for care and concern, which really isn’t surprising. His beating you to your own apartment may be surprising, but him being the best friend you’ve ever had isn’t.
Everything kind of pours out of you at once when you and Jimin sit down on your couch, the tears, the self-loathing, the anger, the confusion, the pain. So much pain. Pain over your ex, pain over Jungkook, pain over past shit that you really thought you were over. It’s like the past months with Jungkook were just a bandaid, putting off the day you would eventually feel everything. There’s no putting it off anymore though. Now you’re in it and you’re so thankful for a friend like Jimin to hold your hand.
He’s surprisingly quiet throughout the whole thing. He listens to your thoughts, comforts you during the gaps in speaking, makes sure you have snacks and something to drink, keeps music playing quietly in the background because he knows you hate the silence. He asks questions that are gentle, nothing too heavy or accusatory. The only time he gets firm is when you cry about not deserving a friend like him.
“Yeah, you can be an asshole sometimes, but don’t ever let me catch you talking that way about yourself,” Jimin says, unmoving. “You’re human and we all make mistakes. We learn and we move forward. I won’t let you be mean to yourself, though. That’s what you don’t deserve.”
Once you feel like you’ve said everything that you could possibly say, Jimin informs you that you’re taking tomorrow off as well and that he’ll be staying over. Just like when you were in college. The order for the night was trashy TV and junk food and no wine for you because you’re still hungover and no talking about feelings at all. You can pick all that up again tomorrow, but tonight is about giving your brain a break.
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It takes much longer than you expect to really come to terms with what happened between you and Jungkook. You haven’t seen him since you walked out the door. In fact, you hadn’t even texted him until reaching out yesterday to see if he was willing to meet up. It wasn’t to work through things, though, as much as it was for you to heal. And hopefully for him to heal as well.
The past few months have been some of the scariest and most rewarding of your life. You’ve never really been alone, separate from a partner. You’ve gone from one relationship to the next for as long as you could remember and ignored anyone suggesting to take time nearly as long. The fight with Jungkook had been a wake-up call, an unwelcome one at the time, but one that you can now see the value in. It forced you to really look at yourself, at your choices, at everything that led you to that moment, to learn what you actually wanted.
And you don’t really know what you want, but you think it’s somewhere between your ex and Jungkook. Yes, you want something stable and comfortable, someone that you know and that you can rely on. At the same time, you want someone that will challenge you, excite you, keep you on your toes. It was unfair of you to put all that onto Jungkook. Whatever mistakes he may have also made, you want to own yours. Part of you knew that he was never going to be what you needed him to be and rushed forward head first anyway.
Everything led you to this point now, where you wait for Jungkook to show up. He had replied quicker than you expected and seemed happy to meet, despite you being clear on needing to talk to him. Maybe there were things he needed to say too.
The tinkling of the bell over the door catches your attention and you watch Jungkook walk through the doors, somehow exactly the same. It’s only been a few months, you remind yourself, not like he could change entirely.
The next part feels awkward, how do you greet him? You stand, considering what to do, when he saves you the trouble and goes in to give you a quick hug. Nothing too serious and also nothing too formal.
“Thanks for meeting me,” you say and he smiles.
“Of course,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about everything that happened too, honestly, so it felt like a good time.”
And just like that, it’s easy to talk. Really talk. Jungkook lets you go first and you lay out everything you’ve learned over the past couple months. He lets you make your apologies and makes his own. You’re able to take ownership of the mistakes you make, because you really understand them after months working through your shit, and feel like he’s forgiven you for how you handled things. You know that you can never fully expect to get closure in life, but this feels close. It feels like you can actually close the door on a chapter to move forward.
Apparently he’s been doing a lot of work on himself too. He admits to knowing that you were in deeper than he was and letting it go on anyway, something he’s not proud of and something he hopes you’ll forgive. He’s not there yet but he’s working on better communication, letting partners know what he can give and what he can’t. He’s trying to figure out what it is he actually wants and what he doesn’t. Even though you don’t need him to say it, he also wants you to know that, as cliche as it sounds, it wasn’t you. Not entirely at least. He got so caught up in how good the physical side of things was that he didn’t consider how you were both hurting each other.
Neither one of you is really sure how to leave things. Part of you, and you can see part of him too, wants to ask if there’s a way to move forward as friends. He’s been part of your life on and off for the past 7 years, since meeting when you were only 18 years old. You take the plunge, though, and say that he’s always going to have a place in your heart. You’re just not sure he can have a place in your life, at least not now. There’s a moment of relief on his face. Like he’s happy you were the one to make the call because he isn’t sure he could. He really does have a lot of work to do, he says.
“Do you know him?” Jungkook asks as the conversation is naturally winding down.
You turn your head to follow his eyes on a man wearing dress pants and a nice shirt. He seems caught up in whatever he’s reading on his laptop, slightly shaggy hair slipping into his eyes. You’re about to say no when he looks up and meets your eyes. There’s something…familiar about him. Like you know him from somewhere that you’ve forgotten. Almost like the memory is hazy and you can’t fully grasp it. He smiles, a really nice smile, and then looks back down at his laptop.
“I don’t think so,” you finally answer.
“He keeps looking over here,” Jungkook comments. You look for any sign of anything negative on his face, but it isn’t there.
“Yeah, I don’t know, if I do know him, I can’t figure out from where,” you admit.
“Maybe you should say hi,” he says and you just smile.
“With you here?” you ask.
Jungkook smiles with a shake of his head. He’s standing up the next second. “I actually have to go to an appointment with my therapist.”
“I’m proud of you,” you say and stand as well to give him another hug. Slightly less awkward this time.
“I’m proud of you too, proud of us, really,” he says.
“Take care, Jungkook,” you say.
“You too,” he answers with a smile.
Just like that, he’s heading out the door. He looks back once to smile at you and you wave. You’re wondering if that’s the last time you’ll see him. Maybe it is and maybe that’s exactly how it should be. Things feel better now, easier. There’s no lingering doubts and even though you know you still have a ways to go, you think that you can really do it this time.
But before you can retreat further into your own head, a voice breaks through your thoughts.
“This seat still taken?”
You look up to find the man that Jungkook asked about moments earlier and that’s when it clicks. Yes, you do know him and you finally remember from where. The world certainly works in mysterious ways.
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i hope you liked it, it was definitely a ride writing it <3
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sibillascribbles08 · 2 months
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Man I've written 23 fics for rise, that's insane, anyway here's a master post, sort of? I realized some people either A) may not know how many different fics I've written or B) not realized "oh he wrote that" sooo
One Shots
Don't You Care? – Donnie and Leo centric, post-movie. Donnie isn't always great with feelings, and when he fails to understand Leo's, he tries to find a way to fix it. Doing so forces him to unpack some of his own thoughts on their victory over the kraang as well.
To Bridge a Canyon of your Own Design – Splinter centric, post-movie, a bit of a retrospective on his relationship with his sons, his depression, and him trying to move away from his unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I Didn't Vote for You – Leo's the leader now, and Donnie always finds ways to argue with him about it. Leo wants to find out why Donnie has such a problem with how he's trying to lead the team, but it turns out that isn't the problem. It's simply the fact that Leo's the leader at all.
I'd Give Anything – Donnie-centric. A slightly alternate take on the movie's ending where instead of just firing a drill into the portal, Donnie jumped in, and ends up losing an arm in the process. But he has to kind of piece all of that together as he recovers in the med bay, talking to each of his family members.
Grappling With Things Beyond Your Control – Gift fic for my friend Bat! Donnie-centric, post season 2. Suddenly getting ninpo with no prior training causes Donnie's powers to start to run amok, and on top of that he has to help his family not only find a new home but move into one. It's a lot to balance, maybe too much to balance.
Four Turtles in your Corner (Store) – A silly fic about April being out of supplies for her period, and in desperation sends the boys to go get her some. I'm sure four reptilian mutants have competent knowledge on what humans need for things like this.
Now Lie In It – Big Bang fic! Takes place during season 2. Leo won't sleep, and ends up getting on Donnie's nerves. The softshell's solution to the problem is a simple sleep potion, but when he pours too much into Leo's tea his brother won't wake up. Time to force April and Draxum to go find an antidote while he hides his mistake from the rest of his family. (it sounds angsty but it's comedic, actually)
What Will You Leave Behind – Big Bang fic! Doomed timeline, Raph centric. Raph is the first of his siblings to die during the war. And while he does everything he can to be their ever present pillar as they eventually follow after, he can't help but loathe the fact that the ones still down there are suffering and he can't do anything to help.
My Words Died With You – Gift fic for Bat! Doomed timeline, Donnie centric. Donnie quit speaking when Raphael died, months later he still isn't. His family tries to help him cope with this, even Raphael does from the afterlife, but it may not be enough.
VHHB series
(These are all post-movie)
My Roommate the Troubled Time Traveler – Casey and Draxum centric. Casey Jones Jr. isn't coping too great with being in the present, and trying to live in the lair isn't helping. So Mikey has the GREAT idea to convince Draxum to let Casey be his roommate. The alchemist thinks this is a terrible idea, but he might be able to help the kid far more than he realizes.
Violet Hues and Holly Blue – Donnie centric. 8 months after the kraang invasion and Donnie's been the reigning champ in the Battle Nexus for a while, in his attempts to improve his mystic abilities. But this draws the attention of a business focused wasp named Holly Blue who offers to help sell his tech designs in the Hidden City. Donnie ends up agreeing, having to keep that secret from his family too, but eventually they're going to find out. (This is only a partial summary haha sorry, fic is heckin long)
Missing Pages – Just some VHHB extras, but hey it features Big Mama being herself, Lou Jitsu maiming some people, Donnie dealing with past blood on his hands and uuuuh Leo and Holly becoming friends (what a mood whiplash)
You Are Loved – Two-shot fic about the Caseys (of the Senior and Junior variety). Casey Jr. wants to know why his ninpo sprung up so suddenly, and in his search to find out discovers his family is much closer than he realizes. Meanwhile Cassandra is struggling with her place among the Hamatos, it doesn't help when she finds out they're keeping a pretty big secret from her. Hopefully they can make it up to her.
The Sun and Icarus – Mikey-centric. He's been doing pretty good at developing his mystic abilities lately, but now they're starting to explode, pretty violently. And it turns out if this keeps up the whole ordeal could just kill him. Better find a way to put a cap on it, or something to that effect. (Wow more power overloading fics from ME)
Girls' Night – April centric one shot, also April/Sunita. She's just trying to have a fun night out with the girls, inviting Holly Blue along for the ride, but maybe that was a mistake because in her attempts to playfully tease the wasp, she's suddenly forced to confront her own crush.
And For my Next Trick – Leo-centric one shot. Leo's getting frustrated with his lack of progress on his mystic powers, and with Hueso's advice decides to shift his focus to a different kind of magic, stage magic. With Hueso Jr.'s help, he plans to put on an entire show, which should be fine if some other magician doesn't show up to steal the show.
Look Up Hero in the Dictionary – Raph centric. Raph's feeling a bit too idle in the city lately, with only minor crimes going on, but in his wish for something exciting a strange explosion happens at an apartment building. He attempts to help everyone escape, but a yokai holding the building together stays behind, and on top of that charges Raph with the task to take care of her child. Have fun taking care of a powerful psychic seven-year old, Raph.
Other Chaptered Fics
An Alien Invasion Happened but That's Not Really What This is About - Long ass title. Jason-centric. Hi I wrote a novella sized fic about what happens to this kid during and after the events of the movie. Watch him attempt badly to cope with trauma while also fixing his relationship with his very queer dad who loves him a lot.
Artificial Phoenix – Lou Jitsu died in the arena but then Big Mama said no no no! So Draxum brings him back to life while mutating four turtles so Lou Jitsu said NO NO NO! And he took them and ran. Alternate take on the events of the show, where Splinter is undead and unmutated, and unfortunately does not keep his soul in his body the entire time, leaving his sons grieving and desperate to get him back.
Jasonnie things
Not Part of the Plan – Donnie centric. Despite knowing time travel exists, Donnie is still surprised to find his future self in his lab. But his excitement at the possibilities is swiftly crushed as his future self has an easy time embarrassing him. He hopes he can at least gather some useful information in the process, but he slowly begins to wonder if he even wants answers to all these questions.
You Have to Let Him Go – Donnie centric also sad as hell. I literally just wanted to write about how Donnie's husband hecking dies. Read this if you want to be miserable. (or if you hate Jase I guess ??? alskdjf man got char grilled (I have to make jokes to keep myself from being upset shh))
I'll Put the Knife in Your Hand – Well, now that Donnie heard about his possible future husband, he's determined to at least get to know the guy. Unfortunately his family is far more cautious about this than he seems to be. AKA Four times Donnie's family believes Jase is planning to stab him in the back, and the one time he actually does.
ERR_FILE_NOT_FOUND - Donnie is messing around with his mind machine again, and in the process ends up erasing part of his memory. Specifically the memories about Jase, and Jase is barely handling this well. Good thing Donnie's brothers who totally and absolutely are on good terms with Jase are there to help. Maybe.
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starburts-addict · 9 months
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Aftermath
Note: I did my own aftermath version of the Shiny Jr fic. Some details were heavily inspired by Qeirxing's fic. Because I really did like how some things played out in their fic, but mine has noticeable differences. This work isn't 100% original fanfiction material, but it was just a fun thing I decided to write. Also it isn't 100% proofread.
CW: graphic recollection of choking, paranoia, PTSD-like symptoms,, obsessive behavior, threats (on the reader's side), unhealthy coping mechanisms
How long has it been? How long has it been since you arrived at what was supposed to be a wonderful and bittersweet experience? You don't know, nor do you care. Being stuck in such a cursed place that used to be your escape from reality was terrifying. Hell, you may have physically recovered from the multitude of attacks that day, but you haven't been the same. Constantly lacking sleep due to nightmares and you being paranoid if anyone who had the balls to break into your 'home away from home' would do so. You couldn't even call it your home away from home. It felt more like a prison you decided to isolate yourself in as Grim comes and goes as he pleases. You don't get mad at him for staying indifferent to what had happened. After all, he knew what these guys were like before your arrival in this game world.
Things were okay. You just had to stay inside, make sure you only go outside at certain times to get fresh air, and remove any social apps from your phone. That includes deleting any accounts it came with. It was just Magicam, you wished you could delete the calling and messaging in your phone, but all you could do was block any calls and texts that weren't from the teachers and faculty. Honestly, it was just the Teachers and Sam. You had half a mind to block Crowley as sometimes he would call you to start attending classes with Grim. Saying that the students have been rowdier with each other. Whatever that meant.
Grim still hung out with Ace and Deuce like normal, but ever since that attack, he's been more annoyed towards them. Fucking! Not just them! He's been annoyed at the entirety of the main cast!
Not only have they been badgering him with questions about your status, but they have been sending him home with stuff for the both of you. And most uncanny of all of this, they've been nicer to grim. Which, honestly? Has been very disturbing to him. Grim was so used to the hostility he's seen that seeing their desperate and futile attempts to get you to forgive them was terrifying.
Crewel, Trein, and Sam have the major staff who have come to visit you. Vargas was too busy making sure none of the boys could come to impose on your privacy. Crewel and Trein would sometimes tell you how holing yourself in the ramshackle dorm, but you reminded them that you aren't in a world that you don't belong in and have consequently received a trauma that you should have never gotten in the first place. Sam sometimes had to mediate when things almost turned into an argument. The three of you end up apologizing to each other. The only people you would ever apologize to in this game. Crowley would sometimes come visit and even try to demand you start attending classes. Saying he just wanted things to be less hostile between the students. Every single, annoying time he did, you'd end up threatening him with your departure to the rival school, saying that they will most definitely be the better school to take care of you. You knew that was a lie. You were actually unsure if the main side cast of Royal Sword Academy were any less dangerous. If you do end up running away, you'd rather stay on the island with the NPC residents of Sage Town.
It has just been another day that you have lost track of. Grim had come back from classes just like every other day. It's not like they get weekends off, Maybe in the story, but not within the actual mechanisms of the game. Once again Grim is watching videos on the phone on the couch, and this time you watched along. Usually, you'd spend your time cleaning the rundown place or even talking to the ghosts about your life in your own world. Beyond the game. You missed a lot, but today you were bored. You didn't like having that phone from the game. It only has reminders that this isn't your world. You started to get bored with the videos. It was starting to get dark, and you were tired of having Trein and Crewel open every single library book for you and find you a way home. You were tired of waiting. So you decided that right now seemed like the right time to go to the library. You stood up and looked at Grim. "Grim, I'm going to the library, want to come with?" Grim looked at you surprised, as if you just told him something shocking, well, it might as well have been because ever since you got here you haven't really gotten beyond the Ramshackle dorm ever since that day.
"Are you sure? You avoided stepping out further than the back door." He was worried, which brought you comfort. Out of everyone in the game, you could trust Grim the most. After all, he saved you from an untimely death and apparently cleared up a misunderstanding. A deadly one. Thinking about it, you nodded at Grim and gave him a simper. "Of course. I need to help find a way home." Grim exhaled. "As your protector, I must go. Just in case you get uncomfortable." You petted him as you got up from the couch.
Walking out the front door, you hesitated to open it, but in the end, you ended up opening the door. Off in the distance towards the mailbox that seems to stand barely. You see the plethora of packages and letters they have sent you after you blocked all their numbers and had Vargas fend off anyone who dares enter. It wasn't like the headmaster would fully prevent them from coming to your doorstep. Once you made sure the coast was clear you walked towards the gate where the mailbox was. Curiosity filled you as you wanted to see what the letters held. Although you had a huge idea of what they held, which held you back. As you patted the mailbox sorta to praise it for standing like this, one of the letters fell down. You picked it up and noticed it was from Malleus. The one who almost killed you.
You wanted to rip apart, cut and leave it on the mailbox to show the others what you would start doing if they didn't quit sending you things and harassing Grim about you but against your wishes, you decided to open it up. Grim looked at you with a concerned look. "You don't have ta if you don't want to." You shook your head. "It's fine." You opened up the letter carefully, tearing the wax seal off first and then tearing the flap off. The contents disturbed you, to say the least. The letter was desperate as soon as you read the beginning. You looked at the back, and that was even more disturbing.
The back had started off as a continuation of the beginning, but when the letter was supposed to stop at one sentence of 'I'm Sorry', it continued. The sentence 'I'm Sorry' continued towards the page's bottom. You couldn't tell if it was a diary entry that he decided to mail or what. There were two things that you can deduct. Grim had severely underestimated their obsessive admiration for you, it was beyond that. There were hardly any words that could describe this beyond deplorable behavior. Without a second thought, Grim swatted the card from your hand and tossed it alongside the pile of cards and packages he made without you paying attention. Before you could do anything, he burned it all. "No more of that. Besides, you're on a mission! Don't get so distracted [First]!" Grim stated, marching his way to the library. You followed behind catching up to Grim. Feeling relieved that Grim still wanted to protect you.
Eventually, you both arrive at the Library. You were actually surprised to hear from Grim that the library is open all day and night, but you are in a game, so you ended up losing that surprise. You wandered the library trying to find a starting place to even think where you could start looking. Eventually, you and Grim decide to split up. Hoping that maybe one of us can find a good starting place. As you were walking on the other side of the library, you felt a pair of eyes on you. Your paranoia was kicking in, and bad. You tried so hard to ignore it, but your feelings from being chased came back and you turned around.
To your horror, it was Malleus. He was about to approach you and you just stared at him. You couldn't move. The feeling of your throat being squeezed and the feeling of blood trickling down your throat, the pressure of the nails, and the feeling of air under your feet as you dangle up in the air all come rushing back as you hold back the urge to hold your throat. You didn't want to insult the dragon prince and face his wrath again. It was quite terrifying the first time, it will be the second time.
You couldn't squeak out anything, you seemed like a deer in headlights, but when you were about to open your mouth, Malleus spoke."How have you been?" He uttered. He seemed to be walking on a minefield, making sure that what he does is correct to not set off anything. You wanted to sneer at him for even asking that stupid question. You wanted to respond by saying, you clearly weren't doing well if they haven't seen them in a long time, but you advised yourself against it. "Okay, I guess." Malleus clearly wanted to rebuttal but didn't. "Have you received our cards, me and the others have noticed you haven't gotten the mail every time we drop something off." You almost physically cringed when he brought that up. You remember the card of his you read and how truly disturbing it was, but you don't bring it up. "I don't really leave Ramshackle itself." You shrugged. "I just saw the letters today, I'll read them when I get back." You said. It was a lie, of course. Grim had burned everything to a crisp after seeing you look terrified again. You couldn't tell him that though, you don't know what would happen to Grim if he found out.
There was a pause of silence. Both of you glanced away from each other to avoid awkward staring. It was annoying to you how Malleus so far has been pretending as if he didn't almost kill you. That was until Malleus spoke. "I really want you to know how sorry we are for hurting you. How sorry I am for hurting you and causing physical pain." To you, he looked absolutely pathetic for even trying to apologize. You wanted to humiliate Malleus for almost killing you, but you held back. That would make you as bad as the main cast. "… Don't worry about it. Just drop it." You ended up insisting. The fae prince seemed saddened by your response but didn't say anything. After all, he isn't the type to beg from what you gathered from his character when you played the game in the comfort of your room.
More silence ensued, but instead of Malleus breaking the silence, you did. "What brings you to the library?" Malleus seemed surprised that you asked him something about him, even if it was to ask about the purpose of his arrival. Just for a second, he seemed a little too happy for your taste. "I'm here on club activities, I would like to see the architecture of the library." He sounded a little too desperate. That caused you suspicion, instead of egging on, you thought it was best if you didn't.
Then you heard more voices coming in through the library, they sounded loud. Well, at least one of them did. The other one tried to shush the loud voice. You knew who they were. It sounded exactly like Silver and Sebek. "It sounds as if Silver and Sebek are here, I'll leave." You bluntly stated. Before you could turn around, you heard loud footsteps coming closer and almost at a running speed and then you heard him. "MY LO-" Sebek had cut himself off as he saw you. You recoiled at his voice, which was the loudest thing in the library. Then Silver and Grim came along. You weren't as scared of Silver as you were of Sebek and Malleus, but you were terrified of him nonetheless. You took a small step back and Grim took the initiative to stand in front of you just in case.
You were surprised to see Sebek kneel in front of you. Before Silver could say anything to prevent him from saying anything, Sebek yelled his apology. "Player, please forgive me for my insolence! Punish me as you see fit!" Malleus was left stunned and Silver grabbed Sebek and pulled him up and covered his mouth. It seemed out of character to you, Silver isn't really the type to get physical unless he has to. Grim was stunned at Sebek, dumbfounded even. The sleepy knight turned to Malleus and tried to hold himself back from scolding his lord. "My Lord, please stop trying to run off like that. We're lucky that Sebek has a good eye and saw where you ran off to." Malleus cringed when he said that. You looked at Malleus suspiciously. "I thought you said you were here for club activities." Silver looked at you and Malleus, he seemed to have had the color of his face drained as he still held Sebek who sounded muffled and tried to shake Silver off. Malleus couldn't even look you in the eye and turned his head in shame.
Grim shook his head in disappointment. "You guys keep making things worse for yourselves." You looked at Grim and then at the three Diasomnia members before speaking. "We'll take our leave, let's go Grim." You walked off towards the end of the row of books to avoid going through the three men who tried to bring harm to you once. Grim followed behind you and three other men seemed like they wanted to protest your departure, but they walked in the opposite direction.
The way back to Ramshackle was quiet, but you were busy thinking about that interaction. Maybe it would be best if you visit the library later in the night whenever you want to do research.
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ggrocks · 2 months
Text
Azul's Biggest Struggle
tw: ed & weight discussion, minor spoilers(?)
These are just some of my thoughts/theories about Azul's relationship with his body, his appearance, & food.
Azul implies in-game that often when he gaines weight, he gains it in his lower half. When talking about what he wants for lunch, he mentions if he eats too much pasta it'll "go right to my thighs..."
So he carries his weight in his lower half, likely his lower stomach, rear and legs. Therefore, if he still has a few stubborn pounds somewhere, it's there. At least his thighs, but probably more.
(In his octopus form, where his hips and thighs would be is where he posseses the most mass. It's probably mostly made up of thick skin, muscles and organs, not fat, but still.)
And yet...
Azul is still thin. Very, very thin. We see during the beach event, when he has a short sleeve button down and shorts, how skinny he is... Especially his legs.
His thighs, hips and tummy are covered, but when he overblots we can see his upper body, and again, he's really thin. He has an almost extreme hourglass figure.
Even in one specific edit of his Masquerade attire, where the layers of the outfit model were removed, we can see his figure.
All things considered... Azul isn't just thin, he's underweight. Maybe dangerously so.
I'd say that his natural, healthy weight is above his current weight, being a cecaelia (octo-mer).
Floyd also mentions that Azul "only ever picks at his food these days". Everything we see implies that Azul's relationship with his body, weight, self-image, food– It something that's on his mind a lot. Most of his cards even have him mention food, exercise, or his appearance in some way.
My theory?
Azul struggles with some form of a. nervosa. He's likely dealt with it for years, probably as early as elementary, when he was bullied. His appearance did change a lot, after all...
I also think he tied his collection of contracts to his self image. His breakdown and panic before his overblot shows just how important they were to him, and he even says without them he's just back to being that 'slow, dimwitted octo-twerp'.
He also doesn't seem as comfortable with his mer-form as the twins. Yes, he was bullied for having that form, and looking different– But merfolk also don't wear clothes.
On land, he can hide his body. He can hide those few extra pounds that bounced back and those stretch marks on his hips and the shape of his legs and contours of his waist... A pair of pants, his button down, his vest and his blazer will keep everything out of sight.
But underwater, in his natural form, nothing can be covered. Nothing can be hidden.
Everyone can see everything. Every inch of him from all angles.
Clothes provide him with some comfort, but I think they've also further strained his view of his mer-form.
He doesn't transform when visiting the Atlantica Museum.
He may talk about the fact that he's an octopus, but is hesitant to show it.
Years of bullying, ostracization and trauma ruined his confidence, gave him unhealthy coping mechanisms, and made him bitter. He's clearly still feeling the effects of that pain...
Someday, he'll heal. Perhaps with the help of a kind, caring prefect, who wants nothing more than to see him get better.
~ 💙~
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yanderes-galore · 6 months
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could I request platonic yandere Henry emily hcs? 🌹🦢
Thats about all I have, thank you!
Hope you have fun writing
Sure! I got a photo of him from the wiki for the banner :) Hopefully I get his character right with my research. May be short as there isn't much we know about Henry but I tried? This is very... rambly (?) so I hope you like it!
Yandere! Platonic! Henry Emily Concept
Pairing: Platonic
Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Overprotective behavior, Obsessive tendencies, Cold behavior, Manipulation, Unhealthy coping mechanisms, Mentions of death/murder, Delusional behavior, Projecting, Dark themes, Mentions of child darling/Overprotective father.
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I feel Henry isn't as good as a character as we think, in any media.
I'd say he's a gray character, he isn't necessarily good or bad.
He has his imperfections, especially after the death of his daughter at the hands of William.
He isn't the best father and certainly would project onto you.
In terms of being a platonic yandere, he'd definitely be more parental.
Henry would still not be the best before and after the death of his daughter.
Maybe you're a friend of Charlotte or even a sibling.
Before Charlotte is murdered, Henry is an okay father.
He's still rather distant due to working on his animatronics, yet he feels his heart melt when you play with Charlotte.
He loves you both, regardless on if you're a family friend or sibling.
Although a sibling would make more sense.
Henry's behavior wouldn't increase until the death of Charlotte.
This way, if we're going by the younger child darling route even though I don't do it often, then he'd definitely project onto you.
He'd treat you like you're the only thing he had left.
In fact, in many ways you are.
He becomes protective and paranoid at the idea of William taking you too.
It's weird behavior... even if he is a grieving man... everything is completely unhealthy.
He doesn't like you out of his sight, even as a teen he's still an overprotective father.
He gives you small mechanical robots as gifts.
When he isn't drowning himself in work then he's paying attention to you.
Henry is a broken man and not the best father.
He fears the idea of you growing up and maybe getting caught by someone.
If we take this route he'd be a helicopter dad and very protective due to the trauma of losing his daughter.
There's another way to look at a platonic Henry, too.
This version you can be older and he still projects onto you.
Maybe he takes you in as an apprentice and due to your young age, he starts to wonder if Charlotte would've been like you when she grew up.
He sees you as a replacement for the child he lost.
If he still had contact with William he keeps you far from him.
Henry wouldn't really murder like his coworker William.
He's protective, paranoid, and unstable.
Yet when/if he snaps... it's more self-destructive than anything.
Honestly, Henry just wants revenge for Charlotte.
He wants to put an end to things.
You help him get through things.
In fact, it's canon he's depressed after Charlotte.
You both make things better and worse, since he treats you like he'd treat Charlotte if she was alive.
The most "yandere" thing about Henry I can think of is him being delusional.
In this AU he can't get over the murder of his child and uses you as a stand-in.
Regardless of your origin or gender, you become the new "Charlotte".
He wants to correct his failure to prevent her fate.
As a result you're treated like a different person.
The longer Henry is around you, the more he tries to fit you into the role he wants.
Henry, even without the dark twist I gave him, is a selfish and twisted man.
He may not be as bad as William, but he is the lesser of two evils.
You become his coping mechanism, his form of comfort...
While you slowly begin to lose your independence and sense of self.
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pinkroseblooms · 6 days
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OK ngl episode 10 if bucchigiri got me fucked up. Tw: for talking about death and grieving and depression. Mostly ranting, venting, idk I'm feeling a lot of things after this episode.
Maybe I'm overthinking because I lost my older sibling and then proceeded to go on a downward spiral I'm still kinda tumbling through, but that's what Ichiya's influence on Matakara following the death of his brother is reminding me of. I wonder if the writers intentionally meant for viewers to see his current arc like a metaphor for what grief and loss can do to someone.
Matakara lost an idol, a protector, a loved one, maybe the only person he could even rely on for most of his life. someone who he could turn to or who's support he could think of when he needed to fend off the "monster". Now he's gone and he's alone and the way Matakara is dealing with all that is grappling for some semblance of control. He wants that power, he's sick of being afraid, and he's choosing to handle all this shot with what's essentially unhealthy coping mechanisms (fighting, distancing himself from his friends, rejecting support from others, etc)
Zabu tells him "this isn't you" and Matakara responds like "isn't it me? Who are you to say that? You don't know me" and that hit me because that's how it feels like when you go through something that fucks you up (like grieving a dead loved one and having to handle that loss along with preexisting issues) and the people around you are like "who is this person? You're not acting like you" yes I am. You just didn't know me as well as you thought and you didn't know me as I am now, somebody going through losing someone.
But it is "you". It's still you, but now you went through something and it's "you" trying to get deal with it. This is "you" now. I personally picked up a few shitty harmful coping mechanisms that I'm still trying to unlearn because they gave me a temporary, false feeling of control and stability that I didn't have anymore after my sister died. Grief, depression, loss, trauma, it gets a hold of a person at their weakest and so they're desperate for a way to make it stop. Matakara was already dealing with his own internal struggles and I think Ichiya's goading him into fighting, abandoning the ways Matakara used to handle his own insecurities and perceived weaknesses (finding support in the bonds he shared with others, unfortunately to the point he was also clinging onto a false idea of Arajin and putting his brother on a pedestal, a big problem when Matakara is also trying to be like people who he's heavily idealizing and always comparing himself with) it can be read as a metaphor for someone spiraling and becoming self isolating, aggressive, and developing harmful ways to cope with trauma. Matakara is figuratively (and if Ichiya successfully possess him, literally) going to become someone else.
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loversj0y · 9 months
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found new idea to hyperfixate on.
Reader has a power that increases seritonin and/or decreases cortisol levels via prolonged touch. Usually, they just pat someone on the back to calm them down a little, but they can release much higher levels of the chemicals. Like an emotional painkiller.
But like any substance that works in that manner, it's important to not become dependent on it and stick to healthy coping mechanisms.

The reader ended up with the syndicate because they were a family friend, and eventually began working with them behind the scene. because of their power, they have earned the (mostly) joking title of "Syndicate Therapist".
What if Siren becomes dependent on that calming power? Like-- he isn't asking for it every day, but somehow, his visits accumulate and his addiction to the enhanced cortisol level adjustment grows decidedly unhealthy.
since the reader has grown close to Siren (naturally, after all the time's he's come knocking, bags under his eyes from sleep deprivation--- remember in the original fanfic how he told Tommy he had nightmares about that one incident with the police?) so they try to help him calm down without having to rely on them.
maybe they gradually start lowering the amount of power they use until they aren't using it at all-- a kind of placebo effect. They just cradle his face, rubbing circles into his cheekbones and murmuring quiet questions about his day. he hums in content and answers in an equally quiet and sleepy voice. after a few minutes he leaves, unaware that he had never received any medication at all.
A few months later, they're sitting across from each other in the Cloudy Cafe.
"You've gotten better," They tell him earnestly.
He chuckles dryly and absentmindedly stirs his 88-shots-of-espresso coffee with a spoon. "Have I? I still use your powers to calm down to this day. And I've been using it more and more."
"....Wilbur, I haven't used my powers on you in two months."
--
He does improve :)
now is in the habit to ask for physical affection when he's feeling down, not just from you but from his friends and family
THIS IS SO FUCKING CUTEEEEEEE
him being so convinced that he's become utterly dependent on the reader and getting bummed bc he thinks he's getting worse: :(
reader, who literally hasn't used their powers in two months and kind of forgot to mention it: :)
also that power could be fuckin badass if they can do the opposite too. imagine getting into an interrogation and a motherfucker touches you and your cortisol and stress levels just fucking RISE THROUGH THE ROOF
literally this is so fucking cute i want to give himb ab hug
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2offayyo-kzt · 1 year
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(yes I already posted this yesterday but I deleted it, unintentionally 🙃)
Welcome to another episode of me overanalyzing side-characters !
I'll explain why I consider this scene to be one of the most fucked up moments of the show (wwdits shitty meta) :
(the scene lasts 1min 45)
TW : Child abuse ¦
(I probably extrapolated, it's just my personal interpretation)
So in short, Colin stole Sean's car, the man is not upset with the teenager, actually it's Laszlo who is really mad because it could have seriously pissed off his best friend; Sean initially sides with Colin.
S : "Look, uh, we all make mistakes. It's no big deal - Listen, he was just taking it for a little joyride."
So Sean is aware that it was basic teenagers' bullshit and isn't particularly upset about it. Guillermo prompts Colin to speak up.
As Colin starts to vent, Laszlo interrupts him, even insulting him, Sean tries to step in to calm the tension.
C : "You can't tell me why I grew a foot and a half overnight like a human radish."
L : "Listen, you ungrateful f*ck, you're giving me the pip."
S : "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."
[...]
S : "Guys, guys, guys."
L : "All right, you cheeky f*ck." (to Colin)
S : "Things are getting a little too heated in here."
[...]
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S : Okay, listen, my dad and I used to fight like this all the time ! And nothing good came from it ! You understand me ?
This exact moment particularly struck me.
The acting was so good, the emotions so sincere that the first time I saw this scene I had to pause it (because I felt really uncomfortable)
For me, it was 'young Seanie' who expressed himself here, not the adult man, look and tell me if it was not a fucking cry of distress from his "young self", he raised his voice when it was not necessary, like a child about to have a tantrum.
And for me the best detail of this scene : while Sean explains what solution he proposes for "settling differences" between Colin and Laszlo, just behind him, on the top of his shoulder, there is the head of the Devil Jersey, as if the demon on his shoulder whispered (bad) advice to him :
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S : "Now, I'm gonna count down from three. When I say go, start swinging."
G : "Wait, what ?"
S : "First one to tap out, other one's head of the household."
Then he encourages Colin to make eye contact when he is clearly uncomfortable, the only one at ease is Laszlo.
Why force him to do eye contact ? So that Colin can see himself being punched in the face in high definition, wtf Sean
Laszlo was ready to hit Colin at that moment.
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Only Guillermo reacted with GOOD SENSE ! And we are talking about one of the most unhinged characters of the show, even for him it was too much.
Since when ??! you encourage your best friend to beat up his "son" (as a parental figure), how messed up is that ?
And while Guillermo is holding them back on this shit, Sean exclaims "C'mon !" as if he's disappointed that it didn't happen.
Now we can ask ourselves why Sean would encourage his best friend to do something as stupid as hitting his child; I personally think it's because Sean has only developed unhealthy coping mechanisms (alcoholism, gambling)
It is implicitly nuanced that Sean was beaten up by his father on a regular basis, and probably in the face (no wonder he resisted to the brain scramblies, it was already pudding before/hj)
//
Let's face it, Colin would never have had time to react if Laszlo had decided to hit him.
I think that at this point, Sean wanted to be a spectator, he wanted to revisit unconsciously the violence that he himself had suffered when he was younger but this time from an external point of view.
After all Laszlo loves Colin Robinson deeply, and it is even Sean who reassured Colin about that during the Pine Barrens episode.
S : You know, you're lucky to have a guy like Lasz - taking care of you.
C : I guess. Sometimes I think that Lazzo doesn't like me so much.
S : Are you kidding me ? He loves you.
So if Sean saw Laszlo beating his son in front of his eyes, maybe he would have had the confirmation that his own father loved him, that his father beat him, but that it was a 'sign of love' in the end.
Sean never learn to communicate properly (hence the dysfunctional marriage with his wife) and when he had to argue with his father, it ended in violence (with fists)
//
Sean was forced at a very young age to take on a role that he wasn't supposed to be, in this case the fight that was supposed to take place between Colin and Laszlo was to determine who would be "head of the household."
Colin here is a teenager, he should not have all the responsibilities expected of an adult, but it seems that Sean at the same age had to undergo it (he wasn't allowed to watch PBS, at 14 he killed his first deer (let him jerk off instead of forcing him to hunt srs 😭) , Sean seems to have never experienced a childhood that a 14yo is supposed to have.
At a minimum he had the decency to say "First one to tap out" indicating that if Colin gave up and didn't want to fight anymore, he at least had a way out. I doubt Sean had that same chance, and I think he must have been knocked out many times.
Sean's response to problems is usually to give up or violence (e.g. when he threatens Guillermo "to ream him" after he thought he made a homophobic remark)
Sean is deep down emotional but has never been able to express his emotions in a healthy way, seeing Lasz's love and attachment to teen Colin, he saw before his eyes what he missed during his childhood to build himself psychologically.
In reality, he is not inclined to violence, he even hoped that Baby Colin would only be violent towards walls :
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The only times Sean almost cried were when he offered the Jade necklace to his wife :
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[...] talking about his favorite movie series which is probably the only valid excuse he has for crying as a 'real masculine man yk', not supposed to be fragile or to show emotions :
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He was a neglected and abused child and I think that during this scene he almost indirectly succeeded in repeating the cycle of abuse he suffered from, but by projection this time.
So I just wonder, if Colin had been knocked out by Laszlo (without having the time to "tap out"), how Sean would have reacted afterwards.
Seeing with an outside eye himself (teen Colin) lying on the ground.
Would he have been angry at Laszlo, at himself, at Teen Colin for not being strong enough ?
I leave you with his thoughts :)
Conclusion : get Sean a fucking therapy.
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rainyfestivalsweets · 5 months
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11/11/23
Made the mistake of weighing today.
As Hagrid says, shouldn'ta done that.
204 point something.
Surprised? After 4 meals out this week, not really.
BUT I am not working overtime and I have had great workouts, even if they have been mostly cardio.
I am also trying not to let myself fall into the Fall Pit of Despair that invariably lasts all winter.
I did a 5k on my lunch break (pictured) then added a cooldown (also pictured... not separate workouts).
I relieved myself of the responsibility of giving my friend a birthday gift and got him cash instead. He is broke again... our relationship is strained since I quit drinking and all he does is gamble and work. I also talked myself out of buying him a cake or vodka... because I thought he would much more appreciate the cash. If he is smart he will buy his own gift with it. But more than likely he gambled it last night.
I went to the thrift store before dinner to browse. Bought a hungry girl book and a verilux happylight. Which I was thrilled to find because I was just talking to my cousin about those. I almost bought a paid of size 14 Maurices jeans, but I didn't. Was thinking maybe I should wait to get jeans for a size I don't fit yet. To stop the never ending "must clean out my closet" brigade. Yet I want to go shopping. Dumb, I know... but good choice yesterday. I have to trust that I will be able to find clothes I like when i actually am that size.
I hit the gym for some tanning and stairs after the dinner.
Dinner: Realized that although there were years that I would have loved to go to that restaurant.... I do not like it anymore. Any future meals there will have to be a No from me. It just isn't worth it. I went too ham on the chips and salsa.... even though they weren't good. I was nervous and basically stuffing my face as an unhealthy coping mechanism. Ugg.
I didn't eat the wraps or sour cream. The meal was too much & not enough. I had some bites of rice and it sucked. It just sucked. 2nd sucky meal this week.
The workout was good tho. 8 min in the tanning bed feels like it might have been too much so I will only do 6 mins next time.
60 mins on the stair meal.
Wearing shorts! The nice shorts from Constantly Varied Gear. I am pushing myself to wear things out of the house that would normally scare me. 😱
I wanted a protein bar all day. It is dumb. Do I really whimsically eat 200 calories of anything else? 🤔 Not really yo.
After the workout I took but CBD gummies and lathered myself in a CBD muscle rub. Had 4 no sugar suckers & those low sugarpeach candies.
I need to work on savoring those candies and spacing them out better.
This morning I slept in and missing my 10 am healthy cooking meeting, dammit. I have been slow rolling the morning.
Finished the Jeannette McCurdy book. It hit on so many tough and relatable points in my life.... I loved it.
I won't be happy when my mom dies... my dad was the issued parent for me. But I still have alot of stuff to deal with, at 43.
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jagerstian · 11 months
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Reluctant animal lover Zach my beloved <3
"So, that's it then?"
"Yup."
"You're quitting."
"Mhm."
"You don't succeed one time, so you're giving up?"
"Bingo."
Zach refused to look at Chris. For someone so open about being touchy-feely, Chris wasn't very good at empathizing with him. Sure, he'd had failed inventions and evil schemes before in the past that he didn't let drag him down, but those were different. They were half-assed, get-rich-quick schemes made up on a whim. Besides, the Wild Ratts had been working against Zach all those times. Now, when they're working with him, and he's giving it his all, and he still fails? That's worse. That's bad. This failure actually meant something. This proved it, that he wasn't good enough even when he tried. That's why he hated trying. You can never disappoint if you never actually try. Chris didn't get it. Zach called it a strategy, Chris called it an unhealthy coping mechanism. Tomato tomahto.
'What do you know, anyways? You hug trees for fun.'
'Maybe. But which one of us is actually happy?'
'.... I'm happy.'
'... Sure. And I'm a monkey's uncle.'
'You might be, for all I know. I still don't know how those creature power suits work.'
'Zach?'
'Yes?'
'Shut up.'
He zoned back in, Chris's voice droning on, going in one ear and out the other. Something about 'perseverance' and 'anything worth doing is worth working hard for'. Or something. He didn't know, he wasn't really listening. There wasn't any point, he wasn't gonna try being a goody-two-shoes again. He heaved himself up from his chair with a sigh, shuffling his way to the makeshift area the crew had made for him in the Tortuga. 
Chris's mouth closed softly as he watched Zach move across the room, appalled. Who did this brat think he was?
He stormed over to Zach, who was crouched over, packing his bags.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Packing."
"Well, stop."
Zach gave him a side eye from his low angle. 
"Don't tell me what to do."
"My house, my rules."
Zach scoffed and rolled his eyes.
"You aren't my dad. And even if you were, this isn't a house."
Chris scowled down at him as he continued packing, arms crossed. A devilish grin began snaking its way across his face. He waited until Zach was reaching for one of his items still strewn about, then snatched the closest bag up and booked it. Zach looked after him in shock.
"Did- did you just steal my bag?"
"If you want it back, you'll have to catch me! What're you waiting for? Come get your stuff, Captain Emo!"
Zach made a noise of indignation, even as he scrambled to his feet and took off after Chris.
Chris had a pretty decent head start on Zach, and he planned on using it to his advantage. He hopped on a Buzz Bike and shot down the ramp, kicking up dust clouds as he zoomed away into the wilderness. 
Zach whipped his head around, frantically searching for a vehicle he actually knew how to drive. His gaze fell upon an old mountain bike, half covered by an old sheet. He groaned. He gave one last once-over of all the vehicles stored in the space, but there were none he knew how to work, or had the keys for. He was stuck with the bike. He ripped the sheet off of it, a cloud of dust billowing up around him, making him cough. He kind of hoped he got some kind of weird lung disease, just so he could spite Chris and blame him for it. He threw a leg over and tentatively sat on the cushioned seat. It was admittedly a very nice bike, but that wasn't the problem. No, the problem was Zach hated bike riding, and he was a little rusty. Whatever, that's something you never forget how to do, right? Isn't that what people said? 
He pushed off, starting to roll slowly toward the ramp. He was suddenly not so sure this was a good idea and was about to turn around, when the front wheel slipped over the edge. The bike flew down the ramp and launched Zach down the path Chris had taken, Zach screaming the whole way. 
It was a bumpy ride at first, the "path" having been made by the crew, leading from the Tortuga to the actual path. Once Zach merged onto the main trail, it smoothed out, and was actually a pretty pleasant ride. He wasn't a fan, but he didn't hate it, either. After a few minutes of peaceful gliding, he passed a varmint that seemed to be struggling. He rode by for a few feet before coming to a stop, grumbling to himself.
"Since when did I get so soft."
He hopped off the bike and turned around to see what all the commotion was about. It was a squirrel trying to get to a nut. It had been placed under a glass cup, within the squirrel's view, but too heavy for it to tip over. 
Zach ignored the anger that flared up at the sight. He lifted the cup, and the squirrel snatched the nut before scampering off up a tree. He scowled. Ungrateful rat.
Hopping back on the bike, he continued on down the path. Before too long, he came across another critter in trouble. A bird this time, crying from up in a tree. A nest lay in the ground beneath the tree. Zach didn't hesitate to stop this time, simply popping off and picking up the nest. Looking up the tree, he scowled. He would have to climb it. Luckily it was a fairly easy tree to climb, and even he managed it without incident. He placed the nest in a secure-looking nook, and climbed back down. His hands and clothes were a little dirty, and his cheeks were flushed slightly from the exertion, but he was satisfied. He didn't know why he felt satisfied, it's not like he cared or anything. He continued on his way, peddling a little faster in an attempt to escape the notion of him having a heart as big as one of the Wild Kratts crew. 
The last creature he encountered was when he was nearing the end of the path. A kitten in a tree. It was crying and meowing like its life depended on it. As far as Zach knew, its life did depend on it. He didn't know much about varmints. He rushed over to the tree. It wasn't too high up, the branch about three feet higher than he was. 
'That's not so high, but to such a little thing it must seem scary.'
"Ok, Varmint, I'm gonna help you. But only because you're clearly incapable of helping yourself."
He lifted his hands up. 
"Don't be scared, I'll lift you down. But if you scratch me, I will drop you."
The kitten had stopped meowing and eyed him warily. It looked Zach in the eye, sincerely shining past his frown. The kitten sniffed his hands before gingerly placing one paw on them, and then another. It fit in his delicate hands comfortably, a little ball of purring fluff. He lowered his arms and held it to his chest, feeling its purrs as it rubbed its head against him. 
"Huh. You're… not so bad, really. I mean-", he quickly clarified. "You're not bad, but that doesn't mean I like you. You're still a varmint, and I'm still a bad guy." 
The kitten mewled in response before wriggling a bit, indicating it was ready to be put down. Zach released it and it strutted behind him. He turned around to watch it go, and was met with Chris smiling at him. 
"Zach Varmitech, what was that?"
His face flushed furiously. 
"Nothing! It was nothing! You didn't see shit, Wild Ratt!"
"That wasn't nothing, that was you helping an animal! And you did that one all on your own that time! That's amazing!"
"... what do you mean I did 'that one' all on my own?"
Chris rubbed his neck sheepishly.
"I maybe pretended to be that squirrel. And Martin was maybe the bird."
Zach stared at him blankly. Martin emerged from the foliage and stood beside Chris.
"We just wanted you to feel better! We wanted to prove to you that you can be good, even if you mess up sometimes." He said.
"Turns out, you didn't need us to help you do that. You did it all on your own, with this little guy." He bent down and picked up the kitten, scratching it behind the ears. "He wasn't part of the plan at all." Chris finished.
Zach looked at the kitten, then at Chris. Chris cleared his throat awkwardly.
"So, what do you say? Will you give it another try?"
"We all want you here, Zach. Especially Chris", Martin said with a shit-eating grin. Chris punched him in the shoulder.
"One slip up isn't gonna change that." Chris finished.
Zach sighed. 
"Fine. But only so you'll quit lecturing me about it."
The two brothers whooped in victory, high-fiving for officiality. 
"Now that mission is accomplished, let's go back to the Tortuga. I'm starving", Martin said. "You two can share a spaghetti plate, 'Lady and the Tramp' style", he sniggered.
Zach tried to hide how many butterflies had been stirred up in his gut.
"You're insufferable."
"Yeah, you're the worst and I will kick you in the shins", Chris said, setting the kitten down to scamper back over to Zach. Chris motioned for him to follow them. 
"C'mon, Captain Emo, let's get some lunch."
"Ha ha, very funny. Give me back my bag."
Chris began walking off with Martin, pretending he hadn't heard Zach. 
"Hey! Give me back my bag, Chris! I swear I'll-"
He chased after him, Chris looking over his shoulder and yelping before taking off, Zach yelling after him.
"What's yours is his! It's in the wedding vows!" Martin yelled after them.
They yelled back simultaneously.
"Shut up!"
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s-e-v-e-n-24 · 1 year
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you’re so real about new york by the way . this man is well aware he is like . fucked up in the head. (but they all are, really ) but he’s not going to do anything about it! no one else is going to do anything about it! so they all just gotta live w it
Ohhhhhh my god, oh my god wait wait wait wait I have SONGS and HEADCANNONS for him hold on
I am using this ask as an excuse to dump all of it here
(TW, Unhealthy coping mechanisms, mentions of eating disorder, immortal "I can't die so what's the point" Crisis, drinking, drug use)
New York is a very touristy place, as well as having Broadway, and being a very fashion design/Model place (New York fashion week)
He is used to attention. He can thrive on it when it needs him. He can and will push his body to the limits for it just to be good enough. No matter the cost
New York is a very private person. He hates being asked things, he hates too much attention. Both of these are true, and he hates that too. He wants to be left alone and to get rid of the tourists, to be seem as more then a city, he hates the way he gets for a performance or s gig, and yet he will do it anyways, half feeling sick for it, half loving it in a messed up way. A comfort in something that hurts, really
And the ways that he pushes his limits, this can be not sleeping,not doing anything but practicing or working, not eating, basically just not functioning like a human being. Modeling, if he were to do it, notoriously hates most bodies and has given many models eating disorders
He's got anger issues. He's NE, it's practically a requirement. He takes this out by pacing and ranting, maybe blowing off some steam with a punching bag, sure, but that wouldn't stop him from maybe getting drunk, purposely picking fights just for the thrill, the need to blow off his anger, and the feel of it. He us violent at tines and hates it and can't brinv himself to stop. He might sit there with his bruises and his aches because yeah, he probably does deserve it And why bother Mass or anyone else about it when he's just going to get a lecture not to do it again, only for him to do it again
(Side note: Headcannon Mass, if hospital is not needed, patches up NE and other states. Great for rivalry hijinks, better for Mass/York and MA/NY/NJ hijinks yes I have fics planned for it)
There's also the matter of relationships. He looks like commitment issues. He looks like emotional issues like he won't open up and trying will send him into a panic. He looks like he hasn't cried infront of anyone in decades and isn't about to start now, and like someone so highly paranoid, but it's only seen after as he covers it. He looks like deep-seated abandonment and attachment issues that will never get properly addressed and only brought out in a careful, tender conversation that leads to tears he will hide.
Sure he has flings with Florida in the winter. Sure he flirts with Cali or Jersey or Mass or whoever. Commitment? No. Will leave at the first sign of himself getting attached, keep everyone at arms length with insults and biting words. Keep them guessing if he is friend or foe
He is both scared of death, despite the fact he'd resurrect (Headcannon), and doesn't care for it, as he'd resurrect. He's immortal, what's the difference to what he does to his body. It won't kill him, not for long
Honestly he's probably had drugs/Drinking/Smoking problems, probably still does. Probably has both image issues and loves his looks, mostly
He sits on his bed, knees to his chest, frozen. He doesn't count his deaths, because half of them he can't remember, whether his mind blocking it or his state at the time,he does not know. But he remembers the ones he can. Sometimes he wonders what it would be like to die permanently. Or if he'd ever get the chance. He does not cry. There's nothing left in him to cry over.
And he knows on some level, all of this is wrong. He could be doing better, he should listen but he is still New York, despite it all, and New York is a stubborn, stubborn man. He does not do and he is told, and lives through spite. He does not admit defeat. Or that he was wrong, no he's content to suffer in the mess of his making. You cannot help someone who won't help themselves, and he is not quite there yet
I dunno if that makes sense, I'm not re-reading it
Songs!
The Other Side Of Paradise by Glass Animals
The Only Heartbreaker by Mitski
Brand New City by Mitski
Real Man by Mitski
Hungover in the City of Dust
Tongues & Teeth by The Crane Wives
CORALINE by Måneskin
SUPERMODEL by Måneskin
A Scale, A Mirror, And Those Indifferent Clocks by Bright Eyes
Recktify by Rainbow Kitten Suprise
No Vacancy by Rainbow Kitten Suprise
Farewell Wandererlust by The Amazing Devil
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whenthechickencry · 7 months
Text
Umineko EP2. Replay Part 2
Huh, thought Jessica was the one initiating the relationship and not Shannon, guess I had details mixed up.
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She's pushy too!
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Though I guess Jessica had unknowingly made the first move....
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Didn't even give Jessica room to back down either! I had the impression Jessica kind of forced this relationship into existence but I guess Yasu had at least some feelings for Jessica.
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I think the outfits a little goofy but I think it fits Kanon anyways
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Yasu can probably relate a lot to compartmentalizing your identity like this and I imagine this is probably when he started having more of an interest in Jessica as someone with a lot of sides to her personality
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Oh Jessica you have no idea who you are talking to. Also, I think while this scene shows that Jessica cares about Kanon and wants him to live a better life, she also isn't making a real effort to understand him and just assumes all her prior assumptions are correct, until she finally gets told off halfway through the conversation.
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They reveal more than they meant to here, I think, it's honestly heartbreaking to read a bit... it might be leftover bias from me being a Jessica Kanon shipper when I first read the vn but I feel if this conversation went slightly different maybe Yasu could get some of the help they needed from Jessica.
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...
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Woah forgot about the Battler Yasu mention... combined with the mention about Battler saying the horse line to Shannon later on these are some pretty strong hints, though I guess narration is leading you to believe they are talking about Kinzo Beatrice
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If you figured that out you would have solved Umineko!
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Huh, i think this cg background is from Miotsukushi....
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Yeah, but they are in different levels of zoom in.... I don't know why I bothered to check.
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Sigh, I am really trying to not dislike you.
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Funny how the narration pretty obviously from Rosa's perspective, initially gives this story about Rosa just pampering her daughter too hard because Rosa's oh-so-nice she went overboard, and then by the end it's talking about how Rosa hits Maria "impulsively".... how is Maria not supposed to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms of compartmentalizing her mother when her mother does the same to herself!
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Nice one Rosa.... that's such a cruel thing to say, Rosa and Maria sections have always been some of the hardest scenes in the game to read for me.
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The way her child is both her punching bag and her emotional support is both so extremely fucked up and incredibly realistic to how children of abusers are treated.
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Krauss and Eva having a meeting about whether they are able to hide Krauss's death again (no)
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It is kind of interesting to me that Rudolf seems more aware of his flaws than most of the cast... but doesn't seem to care too much about changing his behavior anyway.
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This episode seems to immediately try to get to see you Maria in a different way to EP1 - her condescending magical genius persona didn't start until after the killings, here it's shown in a much more benign way, just a kid rambling about Halloween.
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Imagine if Rosa instead of feeling ashamed Maria can remember so much trivia and tried to foster it into having her pick up history or something, like serriously it's impressive she can know so much about a certain subject! It's certainly more interesting and useful than my childhood hyperfixation being random Mario facts lol.
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Kyrie's actually a pretty good mother to Ange all things considered, at least up to the point of what Ange saw, which maybe does tip me off a little to the "She said that stuff to Eva so that Eva would take care of Ange" theory.... I don't think she would manage to fake that so consistently otherwise.
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To Yasu, who never really had parental figures, and probably idolized parents at some point I imagine their best friend having such a bad parent must hurt them really hard in a lot of ways.
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And then Beatricce, coincidentally, does the same thing Kanon wanted to do but couldn't.
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That's a really roundabout way to say you want to hang out, Maria.
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Ouch, tough a couple lines later the illusion of a nice Kyrie gets blown away from me, though sympathetically I can interpret that line as Kyrie trying to get Risa to be nicer by speaking her language.
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This scene's pretty easy to figure out, the one who knew about the crushed candy was Kanon and the fact Rosa can see Beatrice means she's an accomplice, and of course, Beatrice just made Maria close her eyes and switched the candy, and Rosa seeing it means she's going along with the story
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She reveals she chooses her accomplices by convenience during this scene too.
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it's pretty hard to not read Genji and Kinzo's relationship as romantic from Genji's side, though, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even admit that to himself.
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I wonder if we should take this scene Kyrie happening to wander into Shkannon dressed as Beatrice, that would explain why she massacred all the siblings but Rosa in this episode, but also I don't think Yasu has any need to physically dress up as Beatrice at this moment... though I could see them doing it for funsies anyways.
Or alternatively, Kyrie could have been recruited as an accomplice earlier, and the reason she goads Rosa outside the parlor earlier was to set up the Rosa Beatrice meeting, and it would explain why Rosa's so on edge since she saw another accomplice getting slaughtered, but there's no real proof of that, I just think her getting Rosa to go outside is a little weird... It's not like she was a big issue at the conference, though I guess maybe Kyrie just saw her as the weak link in the anti-Krauss faction and felt like removing her from the beginning negotiations.
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Text
Each Community Has It's Problems...
In particular, this post is going to address my time in the pro-endo community. JAS made a very good vent post in 2021 about some of those issues, explaining how it created some distaste for him for endogenics in general. It's been circulating again and I wanted to add on a few things. Thought I would make my own post, though, as my thoughts are separate from his.
This post isn't as nuanced as they always will be, but I wanted to be able to share these things. Anyone is allowed to interact with this post!
First off, this phrase "plural is what you want it to be" is something I see on a daily basis in the inclusive servers I'm currently in, and it's something I saw quite a bit in the plural spaces I used to be in. Essentially, "plural" as a label is for anyone - singlets included - so long as they feel the term is "right" for them, or helps them.
I have an innate distaste for this. The reason I do is because of how that mentality was used to hurt and abuse me repeatedly, as a now diagnosed DID system.
When I first joined plural spaces, I was constantly fucking fakeclaimed by pro/endos. I was constantly told I was autigenic, that I was mixed-origin at best, that my trauma "wasn't enough" - because I couldn't describe any. But it wasn't fakeclaiming the likes of what we see on FDC. It was "loving" and "caring."
I express needing desperate help, because I'm having panic attacks and have no idea why. "Have you considered it's your autism and you're melting down? Is someone else internally stressed about school?" No, I was having flashbacks to my trauma and instantly forgetting what I had seen in my mind, because I wasn't ready to see it. So I sat, and puzzled, and accepted that I Was Just Like This. After all, everyone else around me was "just like that," and they had their own strategies to help them - none of which seemed to help me. So I became incredibly defeatist. I believed I was just going to always be a dysfunctional plural, because I couldn't lock away my alters like was suggested. I couldn't push away the trauma stressors in my life.
Plural spaces inherently encouraged me to ignore my trauma, because they offered a million different options for what I was actually experiencing. And it was like being traumagenic was taboo - if you were traumagenic, you were pushed away into a corner, told you could party with the rest of them if you kept it under wraps. I join servers to this day where discussions of dormancy, splitting, integration, and fusion - all incredibly fundamental parts of my disorder and healing from my disorder - are part of blacklists. "We don't want to trigger anyone!" Have you considered what you're actually doing is blacklisting the healing process those like me require? Integration is inherent for healing from DID, but it's blacklisted in numerous servers I've seen and subsequently left.
The endogenic community strongly encourages further dissociation as well. Alters should be different; distinct. I've seen it encouraged to watch new media to "make new fictives." Source-calls encouraging introjects to connect deeper to sources, even date random strangers who "are from the same source" (not a thing). Everything I've seen in plural spaces focuses on being, well, Multiple People, and supporting that strongly - and working against that goal is frowned upon (i.e., final fusion being discussed as being death).
Those spaces also incredibly support unhealthy coping mechanisms for those like me who have DID. Maybe others are finding good resources out there in plural spaces, but... I'll talk about dissociation and be linked to PluralPedia. I'll ask about how to stay awake on a long drive, and be told "just force yourself to rapid switch, because a new alter will be fresh and awake!" (Hello, crashing my car).
I think that's as much time and energy as I have today. I just... I definitely understand the unease. I have been so greatly hurt in endo spaces, and while the inclusive spaces I am in now are better than those I was in previously - with more acknowledgment that those who say they have a disorder should be believed - there are still problems with Everything Being Valid If It Helps, with no recognition of the fact that, when you're maladaptive already, hurting yourself badly can look a lot like helping.
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sergeij · 10 months
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allergies, aversions, body language, catchphrases, childhood, coping mechanisms, dreams, eating habits, myers-briggs personality type, fashion, fears, guilty pleasures, handwriting, hobbies, humor, and music taste for your ivan????!!!!??!!! :D
I do fear that my answers will be disappointing, as my Ivan isn't really a... normal guy. However, I do love talking about him, so I'll go for it.
Allergies
I never went deep into it, so I do think he wouldn't have severe allergies, especially not to food. Maybe some mild issues, but nothing much. I think it's likely he'd be allergic to some insects, but it's not like he gets near them often anyway.
Aversions
He's not exactly averse to much. Though he's really cautious with stuff he doesn't know, or stuff he does know but finds a bit weird. Like, he will hesitate a lot going down stairs with long steps, except he would also cross a street and get hit by a car simply because he doesn't think about it. So he's not really averse to anything in that way either.
Body language
His body language is... normal, yet it somehow gives conflicting signals somehow. I feel people really think he's putting on a sort of act, to look like he doesn't know anything but in truth is doing everything behind the scenes or something. But his body language is honestly just kind of oblivious. Though it's really friendly and welcoming, he's obviously wanting to be near people & is really.. touchy.
Catchphrases
I wouldn't say he has a catchphrase. Just says verbal displays of affection a lot. And 'давай'. Even when it doesn't fit.
Childhood
His actual childhood was uneventful. He grew up fast and wasn't a child anymore when most shit happened to his country. He started out as Novgorod, then eventually, somehow became Russia. He was always lonely, but at least in his early years after he kind of spawned from the dirt or something, he was loved. At least just enough. He had a lot of personification siblings but didn't really meet them until later on, he didn't actually pop out of the ground near anyone.
Coping mechanisms
He has nothing to cope with, especially the shit that happens around him. He doesn't understand and isn't really that affected. If anything goes wrong, or he feels bad or anything, he just cries and eventually forgets about it.
Dreams
His dreams are not very elaborate and usually consist of something like him being in a field of whatever plant it is, or just being held and loved by someone but with little actual exchange of words. Since they're never really absurd (not to a level he notices) and he has a bit of a weird way of existing, he can't really tell things in his dreams apart from actual memories, they're all the same to him.
Eating habits
Unhealthy, really. He eats a lot and has a strong preference for foods that are unhealthy as hell, sweet stuff and fried stuff and basically anything you shouldn't eat a lot of. He eats really fast so he doesn't notice he had too much until it's too late and that's kind of an issue. He also doesn't even know what a calorie is so he doesn't really stop to think if it's worth it, he just goes for it.
Myers-briggs personality type
I am not fond of MBTI for weird personal reasons but I've tried to type him before. However, it doesn't really... work. I wouldn't say it's because his personality isn't developed enough to be able to tell but it's also that. Like I know he is E, but the rest just doesn't really go. Because of his own limitations it just makes it hard and meaningless to differentiate between him being T or F or whatever and it just doesn't go so I kinda gave up :(
Fashion
Yet another disappointing answer but he has no preference. He enjoys how he looks in nicer clothes and he has no issues with material or texture or anything so that doesn't really come into question, but his fashion ends up just being a reflection of the fashion choices of the person closest to him at the moment.
Fears
He doesn't have horrible fears but he's a little scared of everything. Like, big bugs scare him, railless stairs scare him, high places scare him, but not to a horrible degree. He is kind of scared of the dark, too, for no particular reason, but if he's not alone it's fine. I'd say his most significant fear is being alone, like physically, not emotionally. But he kinda knows he can't really survive if there's no one around.
Guilty pleasures
No pleasure for my Ivan is guilty. He doesn't feel guilty for enjoying stuff. He doesn't even get it, like the concept of a guilty pleasure. One that people would consider a guilty pleasure though is that he actually finds those baby dancing fruit videos to be entertaining.
Handwriting
He doesn't write. Can't, really (long story). However, whatever he does actually attempt to write is shaky and unsteady. He loves writing his own name on things, but it's barely readable, the letters decrease or increase in size in weird ways. He's trying, though. At least he's happy with it.
Hobbies
Another thing he doesn't really do. But he enjoys doing... activities, he just doesn't actually initiate them himself. If no one calls him to do anything, he will simply sit there and watch the light of the sun change or watch the flowers in the wind or something. He likes playing board games but doesn't really follow the rules and just moves his piece around and he likes drawing but he doesn't do much more than some incoherent lines and splotches of paint.
Humor
He doesn't understand most jokes but he laughs as long as someone laughs, that's just funny to him. That leads to some awkward moments sometimes like, if someone just told the most horrid joke known to man and they laugh, he laughts too.
Music taste
As long as it's music, he likes it, however he really loves most Russian folk music. He even tries to sing, but it's awful. Though he doesn't really like the new versions with super polished audio and stuff, they feel a little less nice to him, even though it's the same song.
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All things Cylas
writing, moodboards, random facts, asks, etc.
and yes, I do think I'm funny
Writing:
The Ambrose Saga (even though there isn't much Ambrose in it)
Darrell and Cylas: The First Contact(s) (1 2)
as in, half ask, half rp with Blue about text/insta messages exchanged between Cylas and Darrell
Oh, Honey, Do You Want Me Now?
Cylas meets a not-so-nice guy, happens the night after her first message to Darrell, kind of simultaneously to Blue's Hogs of Hell
Call Me Maybe (ft. Darrell)
Cylas and Darrell meet at a diner
Road Trip (Gone Wrong)
Cylas and Ambrose I, in which a car breaks down (duh)
Lose Control
Cylas and Ambrose II, first impressions are important, Cylas' probably wasn't that great
Loose Ends (mention of Darrell)
Cylas and Ambrose III, Cylas wins over the twins (kinda) by being her nice and charming self - and Darrell coming by just as the right time
The Road So Far (ft. Lee)
On their way back home, they encounter a stranger
I See The Danger In Being Unprepared (ft. Lee)
Lee and Cylas get to the gas station and meet a group of guys, what could go wrong?
I've Got A Secret, I'm Telling Everyone (ft. Lee)
Are they being followed? And, if so, by whom? Will the situation escalate?
Stand-Alone/One-Shots
Lost Within Musings about the past
Delirium Takes Over Me, You're Just Another Casualty Their coping mechanisms aren't always the best, but at least no innocents get hurt
Kissing blurb (ft. Darrell) to be continued...? writing murder and torture is easier
When I'm Gone After waking up feeling weird Cylas goes out to clear their head
Cylas and Clay, or: How I Met My Murder Bestie
Take A Chance On Me Clay and Cylas first meeting when they just so happen to go after the same victim (technically, Cylas had him first)
Little Talks Opening up about the past can be difficult, and sometimes you grow unaware of how horrible an experience really was until you get an outsider's perspective
Some Days I Don't Know If I Am Wrong Or Right
I Can't Decide Whether You Should Live Or Die Clay gets to finally meet Cylas' former tormentor - after learning a little more about the past
Oh I Could Bury You Alive Sharing the workload of the disposal of a body
Alt Timeline, or: Somehow I Made Her Worse...?
ramblings/introduction/first thoughts
Nothing Compares To The Promise I Have In You When I say that this version of Cylas has a kind of unhealthy relationship with Father Darrell Todd and idolises him, I am not lying.
Art and Moodboards:
Cylas and Odile: Aren't you tired of being nice? by solmints-messyocdiary
Cylas and Odile by solmints-messyocdiary
Alt Cylas and Father Darrell
Moodboards:
Cylas, murder bean edition
Aesthetic/Fashion moodboard made by myers-meadow
Subject#279-LS19981010WHV-20210609AR1623
Diner meeting
Death is Mercy by rottent33th
The Last Time Always Hurts The Most
A World Of Peace And Harmony
Miscellaneous:
Introduction
Some General Info
Incorrect Quotes (1 2)
Music edit by angxlslasher
Iceberg meme
Valentine's Day card from Cylas to Darrel
Meanwhile In Ambrose... A very serious sketch
Shirts my OCs would wear
Blorbo Bingo
OC Questions (1 2 3 4 5)
Cylas and The Patron by solmints-messyocdiary He said no pickles
Looks:
(Rough) Scar Placement Ref
Cylas made in Hero Forge
random scribbles
Say "Hi" to the camera Blue's response to an ask I sent that includes art of Cylas
Cylas by solmints-messyocdiary
random pencil sketch I suppose
Picrew I
Picrew II (includes alt timeline Cylas and Ghost)
Picrew III
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