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#so it’s really garak’s fault that he went and found someone he cared about
peppernickel · 3 years
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garaks :( face whenever julian shushes him
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edosianorchids901 · 6 years
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“i know i shouldn’t be here.”
“I know I shouldn’t be here.”
 _____________________
               Eventhough I’d expected it, the fury on Julian’s face when he spotted me still mademe ache. “Garak,” he said flatly, stepping the rest of the way inside.
               “Iapologize for the intrusion. I know I shouldn’t be here.” I’d debated for theentire day about whether or not to go to see him. Eventually, my longing anddesire for connection had won out, and I’d come to his quarters, waiting forhim to come home.
               Hedrew a long breath, looking at me without any of his usual fondness. “What doyou want?”
               Mouthsuddenly so dry that it was difficult to talk, I gave an aimless wave of myhand. “I wanted to speak with you, to apologize.”
               Julian’sjaw clenched. “There’s not really anything you can say.”
               “Iknow, I just…” Unable to remain seated any longer, I pushed upright and pacedto the viewport. “I wanted to explain why I did it.”
               “Garak,I know why you did it.” He slammedhis padd down on the table. “You told me already. Sisko wanted your help to getthe Romulans into the war.”
               Hemay know, but did he truly understand? Did he know how desperate I was to turnthe war around? Did he understand the Cardassian drive to accomplish the goalby any means necessary?
               “Whenyou give a Cardassian a task,” I began carefully, still hoping to salvage ourrelationship, “they’ll do anything to–”
               “Youturned over eighty-five liters of bio-mimetic gel to someone intending to useit for god knows what!” Julian exploded, taking a few long strides and gettingright in my face. “You involved me in this, Garak! You involved your partner inthis!”
               “Youwere ordered to provide the gel, it’s not as if you’re liable for–”
               “Thatdoesn’t matter!” He didn’t generally yell at me, and I found myself unable todo much more than stare at him, my spirits sinking lower and lower. “Do youknow what they could do with that much gel? Do you even care? And do you carethat you forced me to hand it over? I almost died because of bio-mimetic gelonce! Do you remember that?”
               Of course,I remembered – I’d agonized over bringing the request to Sisko for preciselythose reasons. “Yes,” I whispered. The pain of nearly losing Julian to theLethean’s attack still felt fresh, even though it had been over three yearssince that day.
               “Thenhow could you do this?” Anger was no longer the predominant emotion in hiseyes. Now it was accompanied by hurt and betrayal, things I found much moredistressing. I’d never, ever wanted to hurt him. “Garak, how could you do thisto me? I would have died to keep it out of the hands of criminals. I nearlydid. But you forced me to provide it. So, whatever horrid things they do withit are my fault too.”
               “Hardly,Doctor. I believe the responsibility rests with myself and Captain Sisko.”
               “Itdoesn’t matter! You pulled me into your damn scheme, not even caring that I’dbe party to genetic experiments, biogenic weapons. And you expect me to listento you trying to justify it?”
               Myheart wilted. That was it, then. Of all the sacrifices I’d made for Cardassia,this was the worst. I’d hurt a good man and driven away perhaps the only personwho had ever truly loved me for who I was.
               Icouldn’t bring myself to reply, all my fight gone. It was like a gaping woundhad opened up in my chest, draining away all my life and passion.
               “Garak!”he snapped, enraged again. “What the hell do you have to say for yourself?”
               Therewas no point. What I’d done was indefensible, and he would never forgive me.Not this time.
               Atmy continued failure to respond, absolute fury flooded him. He grabbed me bythe arms and gave me a hard shake. “Garak, you owe me an answer!”
               Washe going to strike me? It’s not as though I wouldn’t deserve it. And perhaps itwould make him feel better. “It’s all right if you hit me,” I heard myself say.“I’d deserve it.”
               Julianreleased me immediately, jerking back and staring at me with bewilderedconfusion. “What?”
               Beinghit seemed like the logical conclusion to this conversation, especially afterhow Sisko had reacted. “You’re right. I did drag you into this. I neverintended to hurt you, but I have. I’ve utterly failed you. It’s all right ifyou need to strike me. I understand.”
               Heblinked several times and licked his lips, looking dazed. Carefully, he touchedmy cheek, and I flinched. “Elim, I’m not gonna hurt you,” he murmured. “I’m notSisko. And I’m not Tain either, for that matter.”
               “That’smost gratifying.” I didn’t know what to say or do now.
               Hedrew a shaky breath, swaying slightly. “I’m not really feeling well.”
               “Iapologize. I’ve subjected you to considerable stress.” I took his hands,leading him to the couch and sitting both of us down. “My dear?”
               Hewiped at his eyes, and I realized he was in tears. “Elim, I’m sorry.”
               “Oh,Julian, no!” I laid my hand on the side of his head, panicked. Had Imanipulated him, even unintentionally? “You needn’t apologize. Your anger iswell justified and directed at the correct party. I knew what I was doing. Iknew it would upset you, and I went ahead with it anyway.”
               Withanother long, shaky breath, he looked at me. “The worst part is that Iunderstand exactly why you did it. I understand why you did all of it. But itstill hurts.”
               “Iknow.” I swallowed hard, trying not to notice that I was trembling. “Iapologize again, Julian. I won’t ask you to forgive me, and I won’t trouble youany further.”
               “Elim?”He caught my arm as I tried to stand. “Where are you going?”
               Toattempt to drink myself into a stupor. “Away. I know you’re furious with me. Iwon’t bother you, I promise. And…” I hesitated, unsure how to express mycomplicated web of emotions. “Thank you for all the kindness you showed mewhile we were together. I’m sorry that I did such a poor job of repaying you.”
               Iattempted to step away, and he held on tighter. “I don’t want you to go,” hewhispered, distressed.
               “Youdon’t?” I didn’t understand.
               “No,I don’t.” He tugged on my arm and I sank back to the couch, confused. “I’mangry with you, yeah. But I don’t wanna lose you, Elim.”
               Mybreath rushed out and I dropped my head, so relieved that I could barelycomprehend what was happening. “I… thank you. I don’t want to lose you either,but I fear I’ve damaged our relationship beyond repair.”
               “No.”He lifted my chin, gazing at me. “It’s not beyond repair. Things might be roughfor a while – there’s a lot to process. But you’re too important to me to justlet you go, even over something like this.”
               “Ido care,” I said softly, forcing myself to maintain eye contact. “I care that Ihurt you. I knew this would be deeply upsetting for you. I agonized over it. Butin the end, there was no other way. I tried everything else.”
               Hegave a slow nod, and then rested his forehead against mine. “I believe you,Elim. It’s just gonna take me some time, that’s all.”
               “Morethan understandable, and much appreciated.” I didn’t deserve another chance,didn’t deserve his forgiveness. But, as always, he gave it nonetheless.
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