#so i used the part that fit merthur the much
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Izzy death & The end of the golden age of piracy
I like the explanation someone gave here and I will add a bit to it (yeah Izzy death was rushed and the way they filmed it wasn’t…very good (Ed’s hand why do you suddenly appear, stede why are you smiling then sad, everyone why do you look like a pack of children in front of a tv playing boring ad—) :
basically, this show happens when the the end of the golden age of piracy is near (the real Blackbeard dying marked that end in real life). Izzy in s2 began to represent actual piracy; he grew to be a "proper" pirate.
He actually tell us that in the last ep :
"it isn't about glory, it isn’t about gettin’ what you want. It’s about belonging to something when the world has told you you’re nothin’. It’s about finding the family to kill for when yours are long dead. It’s about letting go of ego for something larger. The Crew. »
"You are not a pirate, lad. You are a spoiled, entitled bunch of twats dressed in puffy, blue nighties."
"Kill us. Kill us all. Our spirit will last throughout your entire fuckin’ empire because… we’re good. And you are a rancid syphilitic cunt."
"it isn't about glory, […] It’s about letting go of ego for something larger. The Crew. " izzy s1 was very much focused on his pride, on the way pirate should be. He cared about the crew but he is way too focused on Blackbeard, too focused on them living but not actually being happy (‘You see him as some sort of a…pet’, ‘you are not proper pirate’, the whole mutiny that happens because the crew was fed up with his attitude, ‘piniiiiiiing about his boyfriend […] Ed better watch his steps.’). Izzy in s2 learned that he has to let go of his ego for something larger, the crew, to be a community (the whole ‘you are born alone, you die alone’ & him getting his unicorn leg, La vie en rose ‘It’s him for me, me for him in life. He said it to me, He swore it to me till death do us apart.* And as soon as I see him, then, I feel him bringing me back to life.** Me being Izzy, Him being the crew. The crew give a purpose to Izzy.)
*the literal translation is more ‘It’s him for me, me for him in life. He said it to me, He swore it to me for life’ but it’s implicitly a marriage vow. (Native french speaker here)
**‘And as soon as I see him, then, I feel my heart inside me beating.’ But here in the context of ofmd I think the romantic meaning is remplaced by ‘this is my purpose in life and it makes me feel alive’
"It’s about belonging to something when the world has told you you’re nothing" Izzy s1 insisted that Edward was nothing, in s1 he also thought that he was nothing without Blackbeard, he thought the Crew of the revenge wasn’t his crew but just a bunch of moron. In s2 we see him learn that he is someone outside of his job toward Blackbeard & his dying speech show us that he learned that Ed wasn’t nothing either (something something about the cursed jacket being Blackbeard’s heart and Izzy agreeing that it isn’t cursed but for the crew [and Edward now] they have to let it go). + I don’t need to explain that we see him in s2 actually seeing the crew as, well, an actual crew where he belong too
‘It’s about finding the family to kill for when yours are long dead’ (I won’t spend a long moment on that because it’s more about Edward but something something Ed actually killing for the first time in ep 8 something something something Him accepting his darkest part fully (piracy) when he think Stede could be dead. Well actually it really fit—)
So, Izzy dying isn’t about the old way dying as some people seem to think it represents(the old way are already dead at that point as many pointed out). It’s about… well, piracy dying. The golden age of piracy is ending (merthur when will I get free of you—).
And yet, why did David said this ?
Well, people, again : Izzy speech !
"Kill us. Kill us all. Our spirit will last throughout your entire fuckin’ empire because… we’re good. And you are a rancid syphilitic cunt."
(Edit : also it’s interesting that the only other time syphilis is said in the show is in the cursed jacket episode)
So, him dying is about piracy dying. HOWEVER, community ( as we can see with the revenge) still seems to thrive because even if ‘piracy’ dies, the core of it will not. Community & their stories (the unicorn is an animal of legend) will still outlive everything else, expecially the assh*les [the British empire]. The seagull (Button) represent change. Piracy died because everything end at some point but what is death if not change? (The Sandman is this you ?) What if life began again ? Good will not just triumph against Evil, it will outlive it and if it dies it will rise again changed.
OFMD isn’t about the immortality of thing, it isn’t about staying miserable where you are, it’s about the death of thing. No matter how hard it’s you have to try, let go of the rope that bind you and change.
So yeah, I agree, that final episode was rushed but I disagree, Izzy dying wasn’t pointless.
#izzy hands#OFMD meta#ofmd s2 spoilers#ofmd season 2#ofmd s2#Edward teach#the crew of the revenge#Stede bonnet#our flag means death meta#our flag means death#our flag means death spoilers#technically a bit of The Sandman#I guess
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The Trouble with Morris
Okay so hi I’m the one who requested the George one and I was wondering if you could write one but with Morris instead? (He’s the guy arthur was throwing darts at) – anon
Read on Ao3
Warnings: past abuse by arthur (throwing daggers at)
Pairings: merthur I guess?
Word Count: 1432
Now, Arthur isn’t above a few cheap shots at Merlin, but he’s come a long way from throwing daggers recklessly at someone and only hoping they get the target up in time. So when he misses and nearly takes Merlin’s left ear off, he’s earnestly about to go and see if Merlin’s alright when something slams into him from the side.
Arthur may have changed a great deal—not that he’d care to admit it—since Merlin arrived, but the one thing he refuses to alter is his training schedule. Now, Merlin can throw a fit all he likes, but Arthur can see him get visibly brighter after they’ve spent an hour or two in the bright sun with a good breeze blowing across the fields.
Which means that no, Merlin, they can’t just skip a day when he decides he’d rather not stand there watching the knights ‘throw each other around like hay bales.’
Privately, he wonders if Merlin’s doing it on purpose, since Merlin saying not to do something is almost a guarantee that Arthur’s going to at least try it.
Whatever the case, they’re outside, working on accuracy over brute force—see, Merlin, he does take criticism, but only when it’s from someone he would otherwise go to for advice—when the knight he’s working with gets called away to do smoothing for the swordmaster. Arthur waves away his apologies.
“Believe me, I know how he is when he doesn’t get what he wants,” he mutters, and the knight laughs.
“I can’t tell if it’s reassuring or frightening that he treats you the same way he treats the rest of us.”
”Having some amount of fear for him is healthy.” He claps the knight on the shoulder and turns to Merlin, who’s just watching him. “Get off your backside and do something useful, would you?”
“Don’t much fancy it, thanks.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you don’t have a choice. On your toes, go fetch the halberd.”
“You don’t even fight with a halberd,” as he goes to fetch it anyway.
“Well, then maybe I should start learning. Can’t give Hob anything else to brag about.”
“Who’s Hob?”
”Captain out in the north part of Camelot. Extremely honorable man.” He holds his hand out for the halberd, wincing when it overbalances almost immediately. “Careful.”
“I didn’t do anything!”
“You handed it to me wrong.”
“Really? Because it looked like I was holding it just fine and then you almost dropped it.”
He cuffs him upside the head for that. “Just go get one of the targets.”
”Can’t you get one of the other knights to do it?”
Arthur makes a show of turning around to look for another knight. Granted, he could probably ask one of them and they’d do it, but this is far more fun. Merlin, who looks at him like he knows exactly what Arthur’s doing, just rolls his eyes and goes to fetch a target. He slings it over one arm and tromps back, holding it at the ready.
“Not like that, hold it steady.” Merlin sort of braces his feet. “A stiff breeze could knock you over right now, stand properly.”
“Oh, are you going to come and show me how to stand, now?”
Arthur raises an eyebrow, puts down the halberd, and walks over. Merlin’s expression tightens in supervise, but he steels it back to something normal as Arthur comes to a stop in front of him. He puts his hands on the outsides of the target.
“Now, you need to have some weight behind it. I know that’s hard for you, you’re skinnier than the halberd, but—whoa!”
Merlin blinks innocently at him like he didn’t just shove Arthur over with the target. “What was that, sire?”
“Very funny,” Arthur grumbles as he gets to his feet, “just hold it, would you?”
Merlin snickers but holds the target still.
Now, Arthur isn’t above a few cheap shots at Merlin, but he’s come a long way from throwing daggers recklessly at someone and only hoping they get the target up in time. So when he misses and nearly takes Merlin’s left ear off, he’s earnestly about to go and see if Merlin’s alright when something slams into him from the side.
“Oi!”
There’s a shadow over him. A voice calls out: “Run! Just go!”
“I’m not going anywhere, what the hell’d you do that for?”
“He almost took your head off!” Arthur gives himself a shake and starts to sit up. The person over him startles. “How could you?”
Arthur blinks up. A scowling, panting face swims into view. Curly hair…green tunic…wait.
“…Morris?”
Morris scoffs. “Surprised you even remember me. What with how you used to throw those bloody daggers at me like I was your pincushion. You think it’s funny, do you? You could’ve killed him!”
Over his shoulder, Merlin’s mouth opens to make some snappy retort but Arthur holds his hand up. Merlin raises his eyebrows but stays quiet.
“You’re right,” Arthur says, looking up again, “that was wrong of me. You could’ve been seriously hurt. I’m sorry.”
Morris’s eyes widen in surprise, before he narrows them again. “You think that’s it, then? The Great Prince Arthur has deigned to apologize to me and I’m just supposed to go on with my life, eh? Never mind the scars I have, never mind the fact that I can’t get a decent job around here, that’s it?”
Arthur winces. “I didn’t know you—“
“Well, of course you didn’t! You were too busy throwing things at your new manservant, why would you spare a thought for me?” Morris throws his hands up. “Did you even wonder what happened?”
He swallows. “No.”
“Right, well. That’s it, then, is it? We only exist to serve you?”
“No.”
“No, that’s right. We don’t. And it’s high time you realized that instead of—“ he seems to struggle for words before flailing a hand in Merlin’s direction— “throwing halberds at people!”
“You’re right,” he says again, keeping himself low but sitting up properly, ”you’re right. I shouldn’t have thrown the halberd at Merlin and I was wrong to throw the daggers at you.”
“What is this,” Morris scoffs, but the irritation is giving way to actual confusion, “you just stalling until the guards come and arrest me or something?”
“No. I’m not having you arrested. I’m trying to apologize. If you’re still looking for work, we can find you something in the—“
”Shut up!”
The field goes quiet. Morris just stands there, panting at him. Arthur waits. And waits. And waits some more. After another long while, Morris glares and him and whirls around, stomping away.
Merlin sets down the target with a clatter and comes over, helping Arthur up. “You alright?”
“Fine.” He turns to look at him, hands on his shoulders, turning his head to the side. “Are you alright? I did almost hit you with that thing.”
“Luckily, your aim’s worse than you think it is,” Merlin jokes, softening when he sees Arthur’s genuine concern, “I’m good.”
“Good.”
He brushes Merlin’s tunic off—just in case—and ruffles his hair until Merlin squawks in protest. He looks off in the direction Morris went. It was true; he hadn’t thought about Morris in…well, in years. Not since Merlin had become his servant, not since everything had happened that changed him.
“Hey.” Merlin nudges him. “What is it?”
“I didn’t realize,” he says, still staring off, “that he couldn’t find work.”
Merlin hums. “That’s not your fault.”
”Isn’t it? I’m the one who threw the daggers. I’m the one who—who gave him those scars.”
”And I believe technically I’m the one who got him fired.” Merlin shoves his shoulder. “It’s been years. At this point I’m not sure what he’s tried.”
“I tried to apologize. Really, I meant it.”
“I know. I heard you.”
Arthur looks down, scuffing his toe along the grass. Merlin knocks their shoulders together.
“Not everyone will forgive you,” he says quietly after the wind has blown a leaf from one side of the field to another.
“I know.”
“That’s okay.”
“I know.”
“You were a massive prat.”
“I know.”
“Still are, to be honest.” Merlin laughs as Arthur shoves him. “But you’re better, and that’s what’s important.”
Arthur looks up at him. Merlin just grins and ruffles his hair, or at least tries to before Arthur catches him and puts him in a careful headlock, laughing as Merlin squawks and swats at him.
“Let me go, you prat!”
“Idiot.”
(Merlin does learn that Morris has gotten a job at one of the stables across the city from the castle. He also learns that Arthur is a rotten liar when it comes to pretending he didn’t do something.)
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hey, mona! saw your December gift ficlet post <3
how do you feel about dialogue prompt 44 for merthur? 👀
Ahh hey Fyre, thanks for the prompt!! I think it might've got a little softer than intended, but I hope you'll like it! <3
Fortune Favours the Bold
“If you die, I am going to kill you,” Merlin says as he checks the buckles of Arthur’s breastplate for the third time.
Arthur would be more exasperated if it wasn’t the first tournament since his coronation. The mourning period had been followed by winter, and once spring came around, he had been rather busy with the revelation that his manservant was, in fact, a sorcerer. Or warlock, actually—Merlin still fusses, so what does it matter, really.
“Such trust in me,” Arthur teases regardless, rolling his eyes. “I’ll be fine; it’s a friendly tournament, not a match to the death.”
“You’ve said that about approximately every other tournament, too, and half of those did end with attempts on your life, so—”
“And yet, here I am. Thanks to you.”
It still isn’t easy to admit these things, but Arthur has been trying to be better about it; once he got beyond the sharp burn of betrayal and secrets, the magnitude of how much he has to thank Merlin for hit him like a punch.
If the slight wrinkling of Merlin’s nose is anything to go by, he can tell. It is pathetic, really, how a gesture so small threatens to make Arthur’s heart burst out of his chest.
“Yes, well, you could still be careful,” Merlin says, his fingers pressed to the buckle sitting over Arthur’s heart. “Make my job easier and all that.”
He is smiling, though, and Arthur swallows. He had been meaning to wait a little longer, to let them settle back into their lives, let Merlin get used to his new role, but—
But. Arthur has never been a patient man, and if he has learnt one thing through all his years as a knight, it’s that all you ever have for certain is the moment you’re living in.
He has never been a patient man, but he does pride himself on his bravery; this might just be the most courage he has ever needed to scrap together for anything.
Curling his fingers into Merlin’s neckerchief, he tugs lightly. “I might not let you put enchantments on my armour for tournaments—and I know that you ignored that order—but how about something to bring me luck?”
Merlin blinks at him, lips parted slightly, and Arthur forces himself not to step away, not to turn this into a joke and laugh it off (and regret it for the rest of his life, because he would. Inevitably, he would).
“Arthur—”
“A favour. You’re familiar with the concept, I know you are.”
In the dim light of the tent, he can see Merlin swallow, his eyes dark.
Outside, the horns blare, and it seems to finally startle Merlin out of his shock.
There is still a question lingering in his eyes, but he is beginning to smile, too, happiness unfurling slow but certain.
“Alright,” he murmurs, fingers trembling as he unties his neckerchief.
Arthur’s throat is dry as he watches Merlin wrap it carefully around his arm, the red fitting snugly against the colours of his armour and cloak.
“There you go,” Merlin says, sounding hoarse.
They are still standing too close, and the air is bristling between them.
Arthur inhales, and squeezes Merlin’s wrist between them. He exhales and says, “Thank you; see you on the other side?”
Merlin laughs, the tension breaking. Arthur can tell, though, that something has shifted between them yet again.
It is hard to say whether it is less or more terrifying than the last few months; it is as simple as breathing to know that they will be alright.
✨December Gift-Ficlets ✨
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Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?
Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "theroundbartable "?
Haha^^
10 fics will be hard for me to do, since I'm very bad with names and I don't really.... Save any. I read, like, comment and move on.
Let's start with my name first. That's easier. Theroundbartable was a joke I made a couple years ago and I had it as the headline of my blog for a while when I was still Changelink23.
I'm not sure where it came from anymore... But I think it was kind of the basis for "connecting the dots". Which is a fanfiction I wrote that is about Gwaine and the knights making up stories about Merthur. It was their game to guess what Merlin was up to and gossip about Arthur's pining. And collectively, they'd make up the entire series on accident.
My idea then was that the knights gather in a bar, got really drunk and basically play DnD with the BBC Merlin storyline. So, the knights of the round table, but at a bar. And maybe that table was round. And maybe it was their regular seat and they called it the round bar table.
After Changelink outdid its purpose and I got really deep into the Merlin concepts, I decided my name should fit the theme. And what else am I doing here with you guys, other than exchange ideas about Merlin while half sounding on drugs? It's my idea of being part of this fandom, I think. All of us sitting at the round bar table and having fun with the series together.
Now, fanfics:
1. Dirty laundry by Gybslythe (Voltron)
It's just... It has sentimental value for me. The author put down the story because they were bullied, sadly. I just felt at home in that fanfiction because the places seemed so familiar to me and I caught the feeling. I could compare it with me visitung my godmother as a child and the described places were just the best moments of my entire childhood. Also the writing style is SOOO good! I mimicked it for a mock exam and that was my best English Exam during my A-levels.
2. Sadly I don't know the actual name of this one :/
Funnily enough, it was a Gravity falls fanfiction... And a Bill cipher x reader one at that, which is WILD that I ever read it. The Reader thing really repulses me. Lol. The thing is, it was very non intimate and the world building blew my mind. It started off with Bill realizing his existence and step by step, he'd give his knowledge to the one human that interested him and therefore lost his power. The reader, however, grew with the knowledge and in the end, wakes up as the entity Bill had been. Just, suddenly knowing she existed, no memories of ever being human. It was so well done and pulled at my philosophical brain, I built "Wired" off of it.
3. Not a story but a series...
Anything by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle. This is the series that made my Merlin writings what they are. I read these and they brought me SOOO much joy! I used to write really depressive stuff. Still do. But after reading these, I wanted to bring that joy, too. I really dug into my humor after that and it really changed how I see stories and even myself and became the foundation of what I focus on in dialogues.
4. From the grave to the cradle by larcluce
I admit it, I'm a bit biased for this one because I'm so proud of larluce for posting their first story after wanting ME to write it. As if I could have done it justice. It's so good for a first work and yeah... I'm very proud of them.
5. My soul has your claim, my soul is in flames
(Voltron) i'm currently reading that due to my online friend's suggestion and it's just... Maybe it's because I'm currently obsessed with it but it really is just that good. It's everything I want from a voltron fanfic :) obliviousness, pining, misunderstandings, and reassurance and Lance's death reveal. Like... Yeah. I'm a sucker for this story.
...
There are probably a lot more on my list but I'm REALLY bad at remembering stuff XD I remember when I stumble on them. I just listed the ones that are at the top of my head. Sorry it's not a full ten :/ I actually write more than I read too. When I start reading, my mind gets ideas and then I have to write them down and I somehow rarely finish fics over 100k words.
BuT wRiTinG tHEm iS fInE.
By the way, I haven't read "like the cycle of the year" yet. It's been on my list for a while but I haven't gotten around to it. I know it's a fandom favorite. But maybe that's what's putting me off. It'll probably make me feel inadequate after reading it and comparing it to my stuff and then I'll feel bad about my writing. Which would by both oddly motivating and off putting, lol.
As a little bonus, I'll just say what I'm currently working on/planning to work on for now.
1. second chances (Drarry)
I've been writing on that one for over a year. Which is the longest I ever spend on a fic and also the longest fic I've ever worked on in total and also the one I most edited. I'm writing it for my girlfriend. I feel like I'm getting closer to the end and I will post it once it's finished.
Jkr sucks, by the way. She'd probably hate the story which satisfies me greatly.
It's a time travel au, obviously, in which Drarry was a muggle therapist after the war. The magical world doesn't respond well to the idea of therapy but that's not Draco's concern even though it should be. He just wants to atone for his sins. Being thrown back in time gives him that chance... But it also awakens deep traumatic issues while he struggles to help the good side and betray his parents and friends in the meantime. It's very analytical of his character and he suffers a lot and it's a lot of fun to do.
2. Karak'nirir- the goddess of creation (Voltron)
A Lance centric Voltron fanfic in which he is gifted the power of a goddess. I'm trying to get back into world building and well... I just really love Lance XD
3. The clockroom (BBC Merlin)
... It's on hiatus... Again. It's so hard to find the time to work on it. But I will... At some point. Probably. I hate unfinished business.
4. ... I'll probably focus on the Merthur marriage concept next. In which Arthur tries to raise Merlin's status and has Merlin learn magic in order to defeat Emrys. Cause then Merlin would be druid king and they can get married XD i want to apply some stuff I'm currently learning through "my soul has your claim" and maybe that will change how I write in the long run, too.
5. .... I should be working on a book that's publishable. Maybe feedback from professional book sellers will help me improve my work also.
By the way... Having 4 wips kills my brain. I hate it. One fic at a time. That's how I work best. It's too much for me. I'm dying. I have no ideas how other people do it.
Anyway.
Thank you for the question, anon ^^ I hope I answered it well enough XD
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Preview from the next chapter of Book of Merthur:
“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” Merlin said, and dimpled again. Then he took off the lustre from his attractiveness by dumping into a little vial the mash he had made in the mortar, stoppering it, to shake it up vigorously with the liquid: and then unstoppering it, and holding it out, and shaking it under Arthur’s nose, saying, “Here, try this.”
“What is it?”
“It’s for warts.”
“I don’t have warts.”
“Then probably it’ll do nothing but taste like arse.”
“Why on earth would I want to try it then?”
“Because I need to see if an actual live human can stomach it, or it’s not going to do much good against anything. It’s for science.”
“No!” Arthur cried.
“Just try it, and I’ll suck your dick.” He shook the vial again.
“You’ll do that anyway.”
“I’ll suck it right here under the table immediately after you drink it.”
“I’m not going to let you experiment on me in exchange for sexual favours.”
“Are you sure?” Merlin asked. “What if I start sucking your dick, and then I withhold till you drink it? Will that work?”
“No.”
Merlin leaned his elbows on the table, and squinted thoughtfully at him. “I will give you--two blowjobs, and one sexual act of your choice.”
“No.”
“Three blowjobs, two sexual acts of your choice, and I’ll--be complimentary to you for an entire day.”
Arthur arched an eyebrow. “I’d like to see you go till None without insulting me, let alone an entire day.”
“Done,” Merlin said.
“Uh huh,” Arthur said. “And what do I get if I drink your disgusting little concoction, and you inevitably insult me before the bell rings for None?”
“It from behind?”
“I’ll get that anyway. Also, why aren’t you drinking it?” He folded his hands on the table, and looked severely over them.
“I already drank it,” Merlin said. “But I’m used to my ‘disgusting little concoctions.’ I need to see if someone not used to sampling them can get it down, or else there’s no point in it as medicine.”
Arthur took the vial from him. He looked doubtfully at it. “All right. But if you so much as hint at me being anything other than the most handsome, intelligent, breathtaking man you’ve ever met between now and None, I finally get to throw out that stupid weed of yours that makes me itch.”
“Betonica officinalis, not weed,” Merlin corrected, clearly affronted to his bones; and Arthur rolled his eyes and tipped back his head and downed the thing by holding his nose, and being a man of mythological constitution. He gagged. It was the full body sort. The taste of it had gone all the way to his toes, and back up, into his throat with his supper. He did not know how Merlin had done it, but he had got out of the sun and into the little vial an entire dead and mouldering animal. He scraped at his tongue with his fingernails. “That is foul. Absolutely the worst thing I have ever had in my mouth, good God.”
“Yeah, that’s why I didn’t drink it,” Merlin said. “I mean, you could tell just from the smell of it it was going to be God-awful. Probably would have chucked up my guts.”
Arthur stared at him. Then he lunged over the table, grabbed Merlin’s tunic by the neck, and kissed him with as much tongue as he could unreasonably fit.
Merlin sputtered. He made a little muffled protest amidst all the spit, trying to save himself by pulling one way, whilst Arthur pulled the other: but there was murder in Arthur’s heart, and strength proportionate to his rage. He kissed Merlin as thoroughly as if they were sorrowfully parting, or breathlessly reuniting.
“You taste like your socks!” Merlin cried when he was finally let up. He made the same frantic scrabbling at his tongue as Arthur had made, and a little phlegmy choking sound.
“That counts as an insult,” Arthur said coldly.
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thank you for the tag!! @cinammonelles
First ship ever in you life: god it's hard to say for sure but definitely a pbs kids show... i think either matt and inez from cyberchase or sarah and james from liberty's kids but i know i was more into sarah and james lmao
The ultimate three ships: i have my top ships narrowed down to like 8 now i have to narrow it down to 3.... i'll keep it to the ones i actually have tattooed on my body or plan on tattooing. (not the characters themselves but referencing them) also I selected only the ot3 ships since well. i can only choose 3 ships so it seemed fitting. sorikai, yoohankim, love trio. just know there are many more
The first crush (Fictional Character/Fandom): lord i am a lesbian but i must admit it was zuko from atla
Last Song: comet (english version) by YOASOBI
Last Movie: uhmmmm barbie maybe? i don't often watch movies but ended up seeing it at a bachelorette party in august and i don't think i've watched any others since. we'll be watching halloween movies later this month though
Favorite Flower: i don't have a favorite honestly i just think pretty much all of them are nice
Currently Reading (you can add a link): re-reading the inheritance cycle still i think it's been like 3 or so months now lmao. i just today finished the third book and i only have the 4th left. trying to finish in time before the new murtagh book comes out in november. took me a while on the second book since parts of it were boring me 😔 work was extremely hell during a lot of it too. i plan on reading dungeon meshi next once im done
Currently Watching: basically every anime coming out this fall cour it feels like.... at the very least i'm watching 30 of them idk if all will make it through the cut but most are pretty good so far. aside from airing anime my sister and i are slowly making our way through detective conan. we started around july probably and are around 225 😭 my full time job and and her full time school makes for little free time. malcolm in the middle too if she has to work on school and needs an english show
Last thing I wrote- ship/Fandom?: merthur/merlin back in like 2012 or something..... unless the superwholock role-playing i used to do on tumblr came after but im not entirely sure.. i played sam lmao
Currently writing (you can add a link): nothing i haven't written since the above mentioned things
i won't tag anybody but feel free to do it!
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So I’m just a spectator for your fandom. I don’t watch the show nor care too not really my taste. And a part of me honestly thinks you’re still being baited by the show. Be that as it may I still think you all have a very good chance of going canon and it’s based on one fact, Buck and Eddie have not had a true serious love interest since in bucks case when the show started and in Eddie’s case 5 years ago.
I’m going to cite three examples of popular “queerbait” ships that were never going to happen because of what I pointed out above.
Swan Queen - a fanon ship between Emma swan and the evil queen regina. Emma’s actual love interest Captain Hook was introduced in s2 and you can tell that was the route they were going on so they never truly made any remarks or showed in the show that SQ ever had a chance.
Merthur - now for this one I personally do absolutely believe they were queerbaited especially cause the endgame romance didn’t hold a candle to merthur. Be that as it may the character that ended married to one part of the ship was introduced in the first season and was a main character. The actual romance did not start till season two.
Mcdonno - the one that buddie is compared to. The best friends from Hawaii 5-0 that much like buddie were always there for each other and were each others deepest relationships. However one half of McDanno was involved in a will they won’t they romance with a character named Catherine since season 1. And this relationship was up and down for 10 seasons until they got together in the end. This was another thing of shippers getting their hopes knowing full well who someone was gonna be paired with but they got their hopes up and dashed. McDonno never stood a chance because of Catherine.
now notice the trend all these have that buddie does not? A serious love interest introduced in the first seasons of a show. Has not happened to buddie and right now we are in the middle of season 6. It is way too late to introduce a serious love interest for either one of these men and the audience just accept it. It would be poorly written, forced and unnecessary and there will be huge backlash. They had three seasons at least to introduce buck and Eddie with serious endgame love interests. Hell they both had relationships I believe in s4 and by s5 both relationships ended so again I ask…it’s way too late to do anything but buddie.
Look, I'm not particularly fond of the term queerbaiting, but your ask is interesting so I had to respond.
I personally never watched once upon a time, so I can't comment on that.
But I have watched Merlin, and it was pretty clear from the beginning that merthur will stay a fanon only thing. We all knew where this will end and there was no real chance for merthur to begin with.
Mcdanno, God, they fit so well. They were the very definition of old married couple. But this would never have turned canon either, because Steve right off the bat was introduced as "Uncle Steve." And the amount of "pal" and "Brother" were used so often that it was clear that this was going to stay fanon too. (So sad though)
Especially with the amount of times we saw both Steve and Danny have serious LIs throughout the show, not to mention the mythological significant others (Rachel and Catherine) that kept popping up. - I am still unbelievably upset with the fact that after all the times Cath screwed Steve over, the writers decided to bring her back for that last scene. So no "queerbaiting" there either.
Now, as for buddie, I agree with you that at this point, their only play is buddie endgame, for all the reasons you listed and more. Buck was never uncle Buck, brother was uttered one time only, and that was at the very beginning, and Buck is somehow "his Buck" (Eddie’s words when referring to Christopher’s presence at Buck’s loft). - Not to mention that unlike Steve and Danny, they very rarely talked to each other about their current gfs.
They indeed both had LIs but it was weak at most, no real connection, no smile inducing build up to a good relationship scenes, nothing. - I get my hetero "I believe in young love" thrill from other shows lol
I mean in both Station 19 and Chicago fire, even when I shipped a character with someone else, the writers made us like the current relationship, by endearing it to us.
It doesn't happen in 911. All women were a poor imitation of the real deal.
So is there a chance showrunners are screwing us over? Maybe.
Is it going to make me stop believing that buddie can and will happen? Absolutely not.
A little anecdote: I was watching 3x09, the famous kitchen scene, and my younger cousin, who never in his life watched that show, turned to me and asked: "Are they together?"
So, if a complete stranger can make that immediate deduction based on one scene, I'd say I like our odds.
#stop using the term queerbaiting#please#ppl can't queerbait#but this was an interesting ask all the same thank you for sharing your opinion with me#911 asks#911 s6b speculations#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie#it is the only endgame#911 spoilers#911 speculations#911 on fox#deluweil answers
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WIP MEME
cannibal sam?! say more.
strange comfort? what's happening here and who
once and future soulmates? is this a merthur :)))
Hi love. Thank you for the ask! Since I actually have some pretty decent cuts from these I thought I’d put all the snippings under the cut.
I adore Cannibal Sam, I always love the chance to talk about any of these. It's the name I have for my Dark Chocolate Cherry Series that stars a dark version of Sam and Loki beginning with them meeting in Sam's college days and spanning the course of their lives together, which end up being very long. It also pushes back anything that would have happened canonically because of what Sam decides to do with his life at college to protect himself, to still hunt monsters, and because it's fun. He's not really a cannibal. I mean he does eat people but he's not the same species as any of them, and by the time he eats a human monster again Sam is no longer human. After a very long conversation with my friends on what makes a cannibal and then if not a cannibal what would this creature be, it just kinda stuck in my head anyway. For the record, we landed on monster eater, but I degress. This one will be part three chronologically in the series, sometime after Hunger Games, and focused on how exactly these two crazy murderous men became an excluding killing duo.
Strange Comfort is a WIP I originally made for spn kink bingo but it ended up being super angsty and sad when I actually went to write it. It's set in the Cage and is focused on Sam and Michael. It's really different for me, so it's been taking a while to flush out.
Of course, it is! It's the last Merthur I have open that I still feel drawn to. I unexpectedly started working on this again this month and doodling a bit about it. It's a Soul mark AU, one where Arthur still dies in Camelot and Merlin still lives and lives...and lives. It is very angsty in the beginning. It is set mainly on a space station that Merlin helped build with magic-infused tech and helped the original founding colony of it and then just stayed. Arthur does finally come back to Merlin only to find himself in this far-ahead future in a dystopian world far away from Earth and a changed Merlin. One day it will be filled with ups and downs and multiple chapters, but it's just been very slow.
A snipping from Cannibal Sam, since it's fitting for today, I adore Kali and the odd relationship she, Sam, and Loki have in this series and honestly, it amuses me.
It had been a few weeks since he'd seen Loki. Sam didn't give it much thought, the pagan may have bought a property nearby Sam's campus but he didn't stay. The deity came and went as he pleased and the brunette didn't mind. Sam had his own life and studies to keep up with it his world did not center around the tempting deity. However when Sam walked into his apartment to find Kali hovering over his textbooks his soul couldn't help but take note of how long the blonde’s absence had been.
He paused for only a moment to stare at the intruding goddess before he slid the door closed and locked it behind him. Obsidian eyes swirled with crimson magic as he reviewed his wardings only to find them burnt out. He sighed at the work he would have to do to replace them now.
"You could have called," Sam frowned, dropping his backpack on a stool near his kitchen counter as he walked steadily towards the goddess. "Our mutual plaything is not here, I could have told you that without you torching my spell work."
A musical laugh fell from ruby-painted lips, her smile wide. She turned from his desk, black hair flowing over her shoulders as her red embroidered sari turned with her. "As if I have your number," she said, facing him from the center of his living room. She waved a hand looking around them. "I was wondering if you had seen our poor powerful plaything lately, I was hoping he was here."
Sam frowned at her words, crossing his arms over his chest as he stopped on the other side of his used sofa, keeping it between them. "He doesn't stick around, you know that. Are you worried, old flame?" He teased in return, his grin wide even as his soul recounted the last few weeks, obsidian draining from his eyes as he looked over her with critical eyes as she took in his home.
"I never worry about Loki, but I thought his pet might." Kali frowned, her eyes narrowing, focused on the tall monster eater just steps away from her. "When did you see him last, Samuel?"
Sam's posture loosened, blinking when he suddenly remembered the last time the blonde had stopped in. "We spent my Thanksgiving break hunting a group of Djinn," he mumbled under his breath. He watched her for a moment before turning from her and going to his kitchen. He turned his back to her uncaring, turning on a kettle and looking into his fridge. "Food?"
Kali's chestnut eyes flicked to the monster eater, her nail tugging on her painted lip with a nod. "Nothing vile, Sam," she insisted. "I know what you eat."
The monster eater laughed, as the goddess came closer tapping her nails along the Formica countertop. "You're in luck. A made stew this week." He shrugged when she raised a brow, knowing that the monster eater, who was gaining more and more recognition around the world of monsters, didn't often prey on human monsters. "There was a man stalking and attacking students around campus, I made better use of him."
Kali smiled, pleased with the shared offering that was no doubt filled with preserved power, leaning her elbows on the counter after sliding into one of two stools closer to the man. She watched the churning soul as he moved to warm up the meal he had planned.
"When is Thanksgiving? You act as if I have ever had an interest in learning Western holidays," she grumbled, her arms crossing over her chest and raising her chin.
Sam glanced at her at the hum of irritation in her tone, frowning at offending one of the few pagans not on his menu. "It was months ago," he conceded, shifting his feet. "Three weeks after Diwali."
His eyes looked over the pot as he stirred the savory meal making sure there was enough for both of them.
"I have not seen him for longer, not uncommon since he has you.” Kali seemed to be considering the same, her jaw ticking to the side as a sharp nail tapped on his countertop as if she was bored.
He paused at that he had assumed the little pagan had run back to Kali or one of the pagans he often spent his time with. The deity that had let herself in sounded like she had no idea where Loki had been, and that it was odd. He turned the click of the kettle pulling him from his thoughts. He grabbed the tea box Loki had filled, his gaze roving to the goddess as he placed the box and a mug in front of her with a glare.
"Why would you think I should be worried?"
A short snip from Strange Comforts:
"It's okay," Sam managed after a moment, curling up on his side enjoying the soft caress of linens. "I broke everything."
Michael frowned at the soft muffled words, words that lacked the arrogance and defiance that had always reminded him of Lucifer. There was a long pause as Sam turned onto his side, holding tighter to the spare pillow that the archangel had provided and pulling it to his chest.
"You could not possibly break anything," he said, his brows pinching as he sat up more.
"I messed up your plan."
Sam was too tired to state any of the other reasons why Michael was wrong. Instead, he simply repeated the one that he'd heard throughout countless years with Lucifer's wrath.
The archangel looked over the human-shaped lump on the bed before looking down. "It was our Father's plan, not mine… not his." Michael's eyes seemed to rove the space he had created within the confines of the Cage and Sam's mind. "I never wanted to kill him. Or you." His lips were still pulled into a frown when he looked back at Sam. "But that can't happen now. Lucifer will not win and we can not finish what Father wanted. At least not now."
"Sorry," the soul managed, closing his eyes at the feeling of Michael's stare and unnerving attention. He would never apologize for stopping it, Michael knew that, but Sam didn't know if he was really sorry for starting it just then, or if he was just sorry for Michael's situation.
It hadn't taken them long to realize that no one was coming for them. Particularly that no one was coming for Michael. Lucifer had had his shot and failed, Sam had known Gabriel's backdoor had been a one-way ticket, and Adam didn't have anyone to look for him, he was already dead on Earth. The true ruler of Heaven was the only one that should have been worthy of raising, but his siblings had dismissed him like they did any of their fallen brethren. Sam, despite the constant onslaught of rage, hate, and disappointment from Lucifer and Michael's anger and cold disregard, couldn't help sympathizing with the eldest archangel.
A snipping from the first chapter of Once and Future Soulmates:
Merlin had defended this sector enough to have a reputation and the descendants of the humans and the nonhuman that had followed him thousands of years ago still depended on him. Merlin had been hoping that extending an invitation for new alliances would increase their chances of being left alone, however, the meetings weren't off to a promising start. He grumbled at his swirling thoughts. He leaned forward in his curved desk chair, putting down the sleek tablet he had been using to review his spotty notes from today's meetings, which were mostly angry doodles. He sighed, rubbing a hand over his eyes and down through the black scruffy beard, before waving the already dimmed overhead lights off.
Merlin closed his eyes, focusing his mind on the familiar and comforting sound of the massive stabilizers of the old station. The quiet hum of the station echoed the hum of his magic as it weaved through the systems and thrummed warm and pure through his veins. Merlin lost himself in the sound but soon felt the weariness sink too deeply into his bones. His body may be ever-youthful, after a spell he cast centuries ago, but it longed for his bed.
Merlin yawned, stretching and turning his chair away from his desk to stand. He was long past ready to head to bed after the slew of disappointing diplomatic talks he’d sat in on today. Merlin released a long-drawn-out breath setting about preparing for bed. Merlin tried to relax as he cleaned his teeth and washed his face, listening to the dull familiar groans and the clangs of the station instead of continuing to recount his last conversation with the station's commerce experts.
Throughout his life, whether it was his time spent on Earth or amongst the stars, Merlin had gotten used to the changing sounds, smells, sights, and even non-humanoid life. The life he had made here, that he had helped build from scrap metal infused with his magic, still felt the same despite being so far from Earth. Merlin still felt at home here. Hosting the welcoming proceedings and aiding in negotiating trade agreements with traveling merchants from a more technologically advanced society still felt familiar to Merlin; even with the merchants being non-carbon-based life forms. Merlin rubbed a tired hand over his eyes and ran his fingers through his shaggy hair feeling his age despite his youthful appearance.
The ancient warlock yawned again. His hand moved to slowly unwrap the red neckerchief, which was untouched by time as the day Arthur had gifted it to him, from around his wrist and forearm. Merlin's eyes watched as he carefully unbound it. His eyes stuck on the freshly revealed pale skin as they did most nights on his soulmark. Merlin’s eyes stayed fixed on his wrist and arm as he walked into his bedroom from his washroom. The doors automatically opened and closed behind him as Merlin walked with unfocused eyes, fingers teasing the pale marred skin he kept hidden outside of the privacy of his quarters.
Merlin shook his head, breaking the spell of sorrow, loss, and happy memories, letting his arm drop from beneath his fingers. His lips twisted in a grimace like they did so many nights, banishing the fading memories and ache that filled him. Merlin closed his eyes and settled into his warm welcoming bed, dismissing the barely visible phoenix that had once shone in multicolored glory. He sighed heavily curling his sheets tighter, tonight wasn’t the night to think about Arthur and wallow.
It had taken Merlin centuries to adjust to the emptiness that was left in the place of knowing his soulmate had died in his arms. Merlin had known that he would be lost without Arthur, without the grounding bond that linked more than just their destinies. After Merlin lost Arthur, the warlock couldn’t stay within the walls of Camelot. Arthur had known, they had both known that in the end, and Guinevere had led in Arthur’s stead far better than Merlin ever could have. Merlin had never really returned to Camelot again; it didn’t feel the same. The only time he had tried venturing past the lower towns, everyone had kept looking at his arm and he couldn't.
The vibrant colors that had burned and etched into their soulmark from the first moment Merlin had spoken to Arthur had drained with Arthur's death.
Thank you so much for your wonderful ask. <3
#thank you for the ask!#asks and answers#excuse my typos love#i could talk about wips all day#your interactions feed my muse#dark sabriel#merthur#wips#archangel michael#sam winchester#the angst i love it
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Why Love Matters by Jay Northcote
Read time: 1 Days
Rating: 4/5 Stars
The Quote: “I get that you don’t like to be touched,” Martin said carefully. “But surely you can deal with it if you have to?”
“It makes me feel sick,” Alastair tried to explain. “My skin crawls. I blush, and go as stiff as a board.” Martin snorted and Alastair glared at him. “Not like that, you idiot!”
“I know… sorry, I couldn’t resist.” — Martin Ellis and Alexander Pendleton
For a novella this review gets quite out of control. Why Love Matters is so short and sweet. Alistair and Martin are cute and made me smile, I needed it after finishing another story that was heavy. The heaviest part of this is the confrontation of anxiety. There is much focus on communication, openness and overcoming internal limitations. Oh lord the communication, we do love to see it, there is brutal honesty between Martin and Alastair. Combine that with the not quite a trope of darkness breeds courage and confidence, it was like catnip for me.
I have a couple of quotes and comments I want to share.
He had three weeks. Three weeks in which to overcome a lifetime of being uncomfortable with physical intimacy. Fuck. — I can hear this. Just the pause before the fuck. The whole line is so visceral.
Alastair stalked back to his own office and went straight to the window. He clenched his fists on the sill, looked out at the London skyline and took a deep breath to try and centre himself. — I really like this as imagery. You can feel his anxiety, you know if you were to see him you could sense it.
He enjoyed sex with women; he took pleasure in their bodies and their responses to his touch. But sex with another man was something different entirely. When Alastair picked up some guy in a club and surrendered his body to be fucked, he forgot who he was, forgot his responsibilities. All his defences were stripped away leaving him raw and wanting and vulnerable. — Alistar is written as bi but a form of bi that I don't see commonly in fiction. Bisexuality is a spectrum a person can land anywhere on it, and that includes having a physical preference for one or the other. It was a joy to read a character written with a preference.
Martin was made of contrasts. His black hair and pale skin, the angles of his cheekbones and the soft curves of his lips, the awkward grace of his lanky body. — When you realise who this is describing (Colin Morgan, circa 2010) it is a wonderful fit. Also I really just like it.
Although sexual experimentation between boys at Alastair’s public school was commonplace enough to almost be expected, it was generally assumed that as soon as you were old enough to get your hands on a girl instead, you put same-sex experimentation behind you. — Sounds familiar. I work in an all-boys school. Our boys are extremely tactile and if I had to guess experimenting (those that aren't openly LGBT). I know quite a few come from families that expect hetero-conformity even now.
I feel like I need to point out that Jay Northcote themselves admits that Why Love Matters was originally written as Merlin, presumably Merthur, fanfic as a modern au. With Alexander Pendleton for Arthur Pendragon and Martin Ellis for Merlin (Emrys? is the surname I see a lot). It was published for charity in 2016 in the wake of Pulse Nightclub attack in Orlando (see this blog post). Though it is now available for free through either Amazon or Smashwords. When you look at it with this knowledge it does explain some of the extremely visual elements in the description. Particularly the line "Alastair followed as his father swept regally into his office. Alastair closed the door behind them and turned to face Theodore who sat in his high-backed leather chair as though it was a throne. He gestured for Alastair to sit.". Theodore is Uther. Props for the use of the name Poppy for Hunith even if it is unintentional. There is a link between the origins of Hunith (Hunydd) and Poppy, Hunydd partially originates from a word for sleep (yes I had to look that up).
#why love matters#jay northcote#book review#ktreviews#read 2022#merthur#spoilers on goodreads#touch starvation#booklr
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i was going to dump this into @time-and-space‘s inbox, but then it spiraled out of control and became super long. so im making it into a post. heres some thinking abt doctor who/torchwood/class/merlin parallels ! (specifically abt the parallels between tenrose/janto/charlie x matteusz/merthur) (keep in mind that my knowledge on merlin is not so good) (also feel free to correct me if im wrong or add anything on) (also this contains spoilers for ... all the shows. pls watch them, theyre good)
ive been thinking about the whole theme between charlie and matteusz where theyre like ?? scared to lose each other ?? and how it totally parallels to the other things like .... we have one character whos different and immortal and alien (not to mention the trauma they've been through-), but another who is supposedly "normal" and human. so, they work with it right ?
but then theres the ever-present danger of what they have to go through daily, and the fear that its going to leave them alone. i mean, they've already been left alone, but now that they've actually fallen in love, its different. its harder now.
consider the following lines:
"i think of it every day, and the only thing that stops me is you." (class, e6)
"i take it all back, but not him!"(torchwood, s3e4) (theres probably a better quote but no think, head empty)
"i could save everyone, but lose you." (doctor who, uhhh idk but i swear the doctor said something like it at some point, pls correct me if im wrong)
and yes, theyve felt this before, the pain of their entire race being wiped out, no one left but them, and everyone seems to leave them in the end. but for one second, they stop and actually think they have a chance for a while. someone who might stay.
ALSO it works as like .... the normal person is scared of the other, scared of what they can do and how they are ....
consider the following lines:
"im afraid of who you are, of what you're capable of, of what you will do" (class e6)
"you like to think you're a hero, but you're the biggest monster of all." (s1e4)
"what about you, doctor? what the hell are you changing into?" (doctor who, s1e6)
the person who has been through so much is capable of doing so many things, and sometimes it scares the other one. but they witnessed genocide ! and theyre probably traumatized over it ! theyve probably done some terrible shit as a result of it ! both of them are so valid in being that way.
and another parallel i have just thought of, mentioned a lot already, but the recurring theme of killing off an entire race and how that affected the alien character ....
consider the following situations:
doctor who - the time war, in which the doctor participated, and eventually ended. // when 9 was planning to kill off the last of the daleks in the parting of ways, hesitating for a bit, knowing that it would end up destroying earth in the process, making them no better than what the daleks are
torchwood - jack's planet and how it got invaded, how his parents died as a result and why his brother did everything that happened in exit wounds. // ummm i think maybe how willingly jack was able to give the girl up to the fairies to save the human race, like hes seen what the fairies are capable of, hes seen what disasters mass murder can bring. he doesnt want to see it again.
class - well, the shadowkin invasion, both on rhodia and when it happens on earth (both times) but also the invasion with the flowers ? // how much he really wants to just kill the shadowkin like ! he even mentioned it once ("i want to murder the shadowkin. every last one ...." e6) and he just wants to do it out of revenge. but “we shouldnt avenge genocide with genocide” (we're not going to talk abt how the only thing stopping him is that he would lose matteusz in the process)
but yeah ! theyve seen first hand what it like, and when prompted to do the same thing themselves, they end up hesitating, eventually choosing the other option instead. (well... except charlie. he does it once at least.)
and finally, immortality. this ties in a lot w my first point abt losing the other person .....
doctor who - pretty easy to think about, the doctor has had so many companions over the years, and each time they end up leaving them. even after he meets rose, who wished to stay together forever ("how long are you gonna stay with me?" "forever.") but then she ends up leaving, the doctor is left to continue on for so much longer ..
torchwood - pretty same as above, jack never commits himself to a relationship, he knows everyone will leave him anyway. but then he meets ianto jones. and it all changes, he falls in love, which he said he would never do, and thats why he doesnt ever say "i love you," because once he says it then he cant deny it any longer. once he says it than he will have to admit that ianto, someone that he does love, is lost to him.
class - ok, charlie isnt technically immortal from what i know, but i am assuming he probably has a longer lifespan than humans (basing this off this line - "you want to know who would be the last one standing out of the five of us? i would." e6) so ! its mentioned a lot (and is the main theme, as i said earlier) that matteusz and charlie dont want to lose each other. i want to specifically point out the line “every day i think, please dont go where i cant follow.” (e8) because it just so implies that charlie is different. he can go places, live longer than matteusz ever can.
going to add this onto the end here, but i just thought that actually merlin kinda fits into this too !
loss - the loss of his father, of his one childhood friend (will?), the knights of the round table (pretty sure a lot of them die too, correct me if im wrong) and even arthur who leaves in the end. everyone around him just seems to leave or turn bad
fear - we all know merlin is powerful, right ? i mean i swear it says somewhere hes like ... the greatest sorcerer to ever live or smth. and yes, arthur doesnt technically fear him, but if we think about what would have happened if merlin revealed his magic earlier, when camelot was still under the rule of uther and arthur was still scared of ppl w magic .... idk abt this one ndjnsjd it works in my head okay
trauma - had to get some help from @a-confused-contradictory-mess here and she brought up some good points ! when he was younger, because of his magic, he never really fit in. his mother made him hide, because she feared what would happen if he found out. (i ... think?) imagine what that does to someone, having to hide something about yourself for so long.
immortality - after everyone leaves around him, theres kinda no escape. he has to live with it for all the years that his immortal life goes by. this ties in a lot w how jack and the doctor feel, with everyone around them making them left all alone.
tldr: losing the one person they always thought would stay, one being scared of the other's power, the trauma affecting one of them, immortality and the price that comes w it are all some really good parallels between these ships/shows and genuinely kill me inside
#no good content only incoherent ramblings#none of this makes sense !#i am fully aware#doctor who#torchwood#bbc class#merlin#yes theres probably only a few ppl out there who have watched all 4 shows but i am posting this anyway#it took me three hours#and for what#i am probably going to end up making a gifset of this .... we'll see
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Blood on my hands (all that i've gained and all that i've lost)
pairing: merthur
warnings: non
status: fanfic draft, Part 1/? (~ 2300)
It’s yet again an hour of need for Camelot. But the weapon they need to safe kingdom and people comes with a price. Only those who prove that they are powerful and wicked can receive it. The knights of Camelot don’t have enough evil deeds to be worthy of the sword. They think everything is lost - until Merlin speaks up...
A magic reveal story in which Merlin makes good use of being a morally grey character. Because, yea, Merlin-is-the-victim-reveals are swell and all but he is capable of making his own decisions and some of them are pretty shady. There is still a good amount of Uther bashing included.
Somehow they get into a situation that requires someone with blood on their hands - figuratively (otherwise it wouldn't be a problem because seeing how often Arthur and Merlin and also Gwaine get wounded by just existing they probably wouldn't even have to injure anyone)
Maybe a god of the Old Religion guards a weapon they need to kill the magic beast of the week or to destroy a cursed item.
In any case: they are really desperate. People are dying and this is their last hope, their last resort.
To their misfortune, this weapon is guarded by a very cunning and wicked god and they will only give their weapon to someone who has the power and the will to use it for evil deeds
There is a test that must be passed by the one who wants to receive the weapon. They must prove that they did enough evil deeds to be worthy of it.
Arthur quickly fails his test because despite some wrongs he's done he is way too just and noble to be wicked
The only knight that seems to get at least a few moments more of consideration is Leon who has done some terrible things - however under Uther's orders which isn't quite powerful enough
"Ahh, Uther Pendragon," the god muses, "Him i would have given the weapon. Such rage and blind hatred and, oh yes, so much blood."
Arthur grits his teeth and sets his jar. he wonders if his father would be disappointed in him for not living up to this legacy of his. he wonders - not for the first time - why he wanted to be like his father once and how he managed to end up being so different.
The knights discuss their strategy. non of them is wicked enough to pass the test. they have wicked people in Camelot's dungeons. But Camelot is three day rides off and their quest is really urgent.
They could separate and seek for wicked folk, but the chances seem slim and the risk of them keeping the weapon as they receive it seems too big
People are dying and they need to do something now.
"there must be another way to destroy it," Lancelot suggests, though they've been over this. His eyes stray to Merlin, but Merlin seems caught up in thought.
If there was an easier way to do this, Merlin and Gaius would have come up with it by now. asking the god had been their idea in the first place.
"What if there isn't?" Gwaine argues heatedly. "We can't have waisted six days for nothing. This is probably our last chance."
"so what do you suggest?" Lancelot interrupts somewhat irritated. They temperaments are heated at this point. And suddenly knowing each other’s worst deeds doesn’t exactly lighten the mood. "All of us failed the test. i wouldn't have thought that I'd ever be angry about being found too good and noble."
Gwaine shrugs with a grimace. He hadn't thought that he'd ever be deemed good and noble in the first place.
"maybe there's a way out of that," Arthur says. He hasn’t spoken in a while and all heads turn towards him.
"what do you mean, Sire?" Leon asks, looking uneasy as if he already knows and doesn't like it.
"If you're not noble enough, you proof your nobility by doing good deeds," Arthur starts matter of fact. "so, logically, if I'm not wicked enough, i prove my wickedness by doing an evil deed."
The god smiles a toothy smile.
"To murder just anyone obviously isn't evil enough" Arthur says, looking at the god with disgust. "so it must be somthing worse. murdering a friend, for example."
"My king, with all due respect, this is madness," Leon say carefully.
"sir Leon, that's the point." Arthur says sourly.
"is that really it?" Gwaine shouts at the god who watches his outburst unimpressed. "You want us to slaughter each other?"
the god laughs, distant and hollow and the earth seems to vibrate with it. "The weapon can only be taken by those of power who are wicked and cunning enough to wield it." the god repeats his earlier words.
"So there's not even a guarantee," Gwaine says, throwing up his arms. "Arthur, let's just leave and see if we can find something else."
"there is nothing else, Gwaine, you said so yourself!" Arthur returns. His expression is incredibly pained but determined in a way that makes them all shudder. Leon, Percival and Lancelot unconsciously get into fighting stance.
Gwaine takes a few steps to put himself between the king and Merlin who is the most vulnerable
Arthur nods to himself, seemingly coming to a decision in his head. Tehn he draws his sword . "If either of you kills me while i try to kill you, that might be enough too" he muses
They all stare at him in horror, unable to believe that he will go through with this.
"My people are dying," Arthur says, his tone pleading, "if i have to sacrifice my good conscience to help them - well, it is a price i must be willing to pay. I'm sorry. But all of you swore to protect Camelot at all costs too."
Arthur halts for am moment then nods grimly. "Don't try to sacrifice yourself. I'm sure that's not what he's looking for" Arthur nods towards the stony god who smiles.
"you can't be serious" Mordred whispers.
"I'm afraid i am. Now, it's been an honour. truely. and i hope - i hope I'll still have your respect afterwards. Though, i can understand if you can't trust me again."
"that's enough."
They all turn around. Partly, because they had forgotten about Merlin who has been uncharacteristically quiet the whole time. and partly because they have rarely heard this sort of tone from him. harsh and demanding. a voice more fit for a king than his manservant.
They stare at him and he makes short eye contact with Arthur before he steps forward, in front of the statue that the god is using as a vessel.
"test me." Merlin says. his voice is determined and his shoulders are set.
Arthur let's out a short laugh, because clearly this is absurd, right? Merlin is the best and kindest of all of them. Actually, coming to think of it, if he's really honest, Merlin probably is the reason Arthur is not like his father. Merlin makes him better. Merlin makes him want to be better.
A few of the knights share his sentiments, laughing slightly hysterical with tension but still perplexed over this development.
Only Lancelot steps forward with a frown as if to pull him back, but merlin raises a hand without looking at him and he stops in his tracks.
Arthur who was about to say something stops too.
The god looks more alive than before he seems to stretch himself to his full height as if he has waited for this
"welcome" he starts as he has with all of them. "young warlock, tell me your deeds."
lancelot tenses, casting a worried glance back at the king who stands there, sword still drawn, eyes fixed in Merlin as if he doesn't understand any of this
Lancelot doesn't either. Even if Merlin is a sorcerer - what evil deeds can he possibly have done? Saving Arthur's life over and over without ever seeking credit doesn't have a ring of evil to him.
"I am Merlin, and they call my Emrys." Merlin starts.
Some of the Knights gasp. Emrys is a name they know by now.
Lancelot wonders whether Merlin considers his identity an evil deed in itself. The possibility breaks his heart a bit.
"I was born with magic. I am the most powerful sorcerer there is."
Merlin takes a deep breath.
"i lied to all my friends. I let them think they can trust me, that they know me. But they never will. I could kill them just by looking at them. I am magic and i killed many behind friends backs and before their eyes, but never revealed myself to them"
"I am a slayer of my own people," he continues, his voice hard, "I killed many creatures and men of magic to protect their murderers - the king and his son. I did it out of self-righteousness and out of selfishness because...” for a moment, Merlin halts, but then he continuous with the same hard tone as before, as if something is forced out of him, but he wants to stand for it.
“I loved Arthur more than my own people. i let many of them die even though i could have helped them if i had revealed myself. But i couldn't bear the thought to be separated from him so i stayed quiet and watched them burn."
The god nods Merlin on. They all stand in shock. They know from before that Merlin won't be able to stop telling his deeds before the god thinks he is done.
"I killed the witch Nimueh even though she told me i have to pay with a life to save Arthur's. Instead of giving my life as i promised, i killed her."
"I killed Mary Collins, Afanc, Aulfric, Sophia, Cornelius Sigan, Myror and many more. "
Merlin's voice falters a bit, but he seems to pull himself together visibly, because his voice is clearer again when he keeps speaking.
"My betrayal to my people is so great, my wickedness so deep, i considered to kill a child on the mere possibility that he could threaten what was mine in the future."
Mordred makes a quiet stricken noise.
No one dares take their eyes off Merlin, but Merlin himself turns his head slowly.
There is a gasp of horror when they all see that his eyes are glowing yellow with magic.
Up until now, no one except Mordred and Lancelot had truly believed it.
"I tried to kill Mordred when he was a child and i wish his death even now though he is kind and serves Arthur."
Lancelot looks at Merlin with complete bewilderment as Mordred sobs.
Merlin doesn't answer Lancelot's gaze, he just turns around again.
They can hear him take in another breath and it sounds more halting than before.
"I knew that my friend had magic and i saw her turmoil and her fear of being killed. of being burned by her own kin like all of the others. but instead of helping her, i left her in the dark. I told her to trust me - she trusted my - and then i poisoned her."
Merlin stops for a moment, his voice sounds rough as if speaking becomes quickly more difficult.
"I gave Morgana poison in full intend and watched her as she died and i regretted when she was healed."
"Only i had the power and knowledge to save her, but i turned my head from her suffering, i killed her when she didn't know better than to turn to her sister, it was me that made her what she is today."
There is another short pause. Lancelot is desperate to see Merlin's face. To demand how this all really went. Because though he knows that Merlin is bound to say the truth by the power of the god, he still thinks there must be a mistake or a trick. This is not Merlin. Merlin would never...would he?
"I conspired with and freed the dragon that attacked Camelot which led to the death of many innocent people. I attempted to kill Arthur on multiple occasions."
Lancelot frowns. This one he knows to be untrue. Merlin didn't want to kill Arthur. it was Morgana's doing that he went after him.
"i saved Uther Pendragon's life - more than once. I let him live even though he slaughtered my people. I saved his life even though i didn't have to. I never killed him even though i had many opportunities."
Merlin pauses then, looking up at the god.
"Do i really need to go on?" he asks and it sounds almost indifferent. except they know Merlin and they know how his face looks when he sounds this way.
The god leans their head to one side slowly. the stone his vessel is made of groans.
"You are worthy, young warlock. More than you know. Into your hands i command my sword."
Suddenly, there is noise and light and they cover their eyes, everyone except for Merlin and Mordred.
They can't be sure but they think they can hear Merlin's voice through it all, speaking a foreign tongue. Then, it's over.
When the air clears, Merlin stands alone, the stone vessel of the god has crumbled to pieces, a big sword in his hand. For just a moment, when he turns around to face them, he looks nothing like Merlin at all. His eyes are golden, and his face is grim, lips pressed into a thin line. His posture is straight and majestic and he holds the sword like a warrior. His appearance strikes them with fear. He looks like power incarnate.
The others notice from the corners of their eyes that Mordred kneels before him. and even as they are completely bewildered, they have an urge to do the same.
The next moment though, it's all gone, and Merlin looks like he's never handled a sword before. His eyes are blue and his cheeks messy with dust and tears. He sinks to his knees and the weapon falls from his hands - is pushed from his fingers as if through magic, landing on the ground with a strange sound.
Merlin looks after the sword with disgust clear on his face. Then he looks up and suddenly he looks afraid.
To be continued
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The problem with having obsession that are very much of the same flavor (5 years of waiting, 13 years of waiting, 130 years of waiting and now ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE CENTURIES OF WAITING) is that when you listen to a song of one of you other obsession you WILL associate thing with your new one.
What song am I talking about ? THIS ONE AND IT FIT MERTHUR SO FUCKING WELL GO LISTEN TO IT
I CAN’T USE PHOTOSHOP FOR THE LIFE OF ME SO USE YOUR BRAIN BECAUSE THOSE LYRICS, THOSE LYRICS OMG
Translation is not from me (you can find it in the comment of the video but I added the pinyin so it’s even more easier to fellow) keep in mind that watching the flower fall=waiting
0:10 花落下泛开 清澈的涟漪
huā luò xià fàn kāi qīng chè de lián yī
Under the fallen blossom, clear ripples spread.
0:16 心间浮现 难以忘却 过往点滴
xīn jiān fú xiàn nán yǐ wàng què guò wǎng diǎn dī
In my heart emerges, the unforgettable, droplets of the past.
0:23 若非避世修行 聊寄此生于回忆
ruò fēi bì shì xiū xíng liáo jì cǐ shēng yú huí yì
If it wasn’t for the sequestered cultivation; while entrusting this life to the memories, (ARTHUR STORY BECOMING A LEGEND AND MERLIN WHO CANNOT GO IN AVALON BECAUSE OF THEIR DESTINY)
0:30 愿随落花 将你追寻
yuàn suí luò huā jiāng nǐ zhuī xún
I’d rather followed the fallen flower, to pursue you. (MERLIN WHO ALWAYS GO WHERE ARTHUR GO BUT HE CAN’T FELLOW HIM IN DEATH I’M FINE)
------------------------------------
1:05 冰雪间 映照 寂寥星辰
bīng xuě jiān yìng zhào jì liáo xīng chén
Between frost and snow, stars shone in the desolated night sky.
1:12 泪水欢笑 悲欢离合 难以封尘
lèi shuǐ huān xiào bēi huān lí hé nán yǐ fēng chén
Tear and laughter; joy, sorrow, parting and reunion; can’t be sealed away anymore.
1:18情起 不知而至深
qíng qǐ bù zhī ér zhì shēn
Love began, without realisation but deepened, (‘sorry, how long have you been training to me a part, my lord?’)
1:22情深 而至复死生
qíng shēn ér zhì fù sǐ shēng
Love deepened, to beyond life and deaths. (*1500 years of Merlin living his life and yet being forever marked by some small 10 years*)
1:25你如一场梦 引我灵魂
nǐ rú yì chǎng mèng yǐn wǒ líng hún
You’re like a dream, guided my soul.
------------------------------------
1:31少年风流 随心潇洒 无所不畅言
shào nián fēng liú suí xīn xiāo sǎ wú suǒ bú chàng yán
A teen being unrestrained and honest to his heart, spoke his mind freely,
1:37坦荡胸怀 侠义肝胆 挺身而出洒热血
tǎn dàng xiōng huái xiá yì gān dǎn tǐng shēn ér chū sǎ rè xuè
Magnanimous, chivalrous and heroic, stood for the passion in his burning blood.
1:44你风光明媚耀眼
nǐ fēng guāng míng mèi yào yǎn
You’re bright, vivid and dazzling,
1:47我按捺悸动心弦
wǒ àn nà jì dòng xīn xián
And I tried to hold back the strummed strings of my heart,
1:51 默默描绘 你的容颜
mò mò miáo huì nǐ de róng yán
Quietly, I traced your face.
1:58我愿 无声无言 无悔无怨
wǒ yuàn wú shēng wú yán wú huǐ wú yuàn
I wish to, without a sound, a word; without regret and blame, (‘And I didn’t want to put you in that position’)
2:01守护你笑颜
shǒu hù nǐ xiào yán
To guard your smile.
2:05愿你 无悲无痛 无忧无虑
yuàn nǐ wú bēi wú tòng wú yōu wú lǜ
Wishing you, no sorrow no pain; no worries and concerns, (Merlin burying Arthur WITHOUT HIS SWORD)
2:08 恣意如少年
zì yì rú shào nián
Wilful as teen age.
2:12恨他 世事莫测变
hèn tā shì shì mò cè biàn
(I) Resented the unpredictable happenings in this world, (‘there’s is no place for magic in Camelot’)
2:15恨我 竟无力回天
hèn wǒ jìng wú lì huí tiān
(I) resented the fact that I can’t even help, (‘All you Magic, Merlin…’)
2:18你化作云烟 不告而别
nǐ huà zuò yún yān bú gào ér bié
You turned into cloud/smoke, left without a goodbye.
2:25那夜 星光漫天 你灿烂笑颜
nà yè xīng guāng màn tiān nǐ càn làn xiào yán
That night, under the starry sky, your bright smile, (*picture of Arthur fondly smiling at Merlin, you know the one*)
2:29曾 映照我心间
céng yìng zhào wǒ xīn jiān
Once illuminated my heart.
2:32那时 相付背肩 我默默无言
nà shí xiāng fù bèi jiān wǒ mò mò wú yán
That time, we surrendered our backs to each other, I didn’t say a word, (*Arthur giving his sigil to Merlin*)
2:36却 许下了誓言
què xǔ xià le shì yán
But I have made a vow.
2:39突然错过了时间
tū rán cuò guò le shí jiān
But suddenly the timing was missed, (*Arthur dying*)
2:42一片痴情付琴弦
yí piàn chī qíng fù qín xián
And my unreasoning feelings can only be passed to the string of Qin,
2:45春来春去春回 等待你出现
chūn lái chūn qù chūn huí děng dài nǐ chū xiàn
Spring came, left and came back, waiting for you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3:20我用 一心一意 一世一生
wǒ yòng yì xīn yí yì yí shì yì shēng
With my whole heart whole mind and my whole lifetime, (‘I have magic, and I use it for you, Arthur, only for you’ - Magic himself)
3:24将 情深诉琴弦
jiāng qíng shēn sù qín xián
I shall speak my deep feelings with the string of my Qin.
3:27陪你 笑谈笑饮 笑语笑言
péi nǐ xiào tán xiào yǐn xiào yǔ xiào yán
Accompanying you, through happy conversations and drinks,
3:30听 笛声绕指尖
tīng dí shēng rào zhǐ jiān
Listening to the sound of flute twirling between your fingers.
3:33昨日 俗世误尘缘z
Zuó rì sú shì wù chén yuán
The past, the vulgar world delayed fate and destiny,
3:36今时 束缚都抛却
jīn shí shù fù dōu pāo què
The present, all chains will be discarded, (I HAVE FEELING ABOUT THOSE TWO SENTENCES)
3:40只为 与你相牵
zhǐ wéi yǔ nǐ xiāng qiān
Only to hold your hands,
3:42落花撒满肩
luò huā sā mǎn jiān
When petals fall on our shoulders. (=NOT WAITING ALONE ANYMORE, BEING TOGETHER)
3:47今夜 星光漫天 你灿烂笑颜
jīn yè xīng guāng màn tiān nǐ càn làn xiào yán
Tonight, starlight filled the night sky, your bright smile,
3:51又 温暖我心间
yòu wēn nuǎn wǒ xīn jiān
Once again warmed my heart.
3:54今时 相依身边 我真挚誓约
jīn shí xiāng yī shēn biān wǒ zhēn zhì shì yuē
At this very moment, by each other’s sides, I sincerely vowed,
3:58为 承诺你永远
wéi chéng nuò nǐ yóng yuǎn
To promise you eternity.
(IDK FOR YOU BUT THE IMAGE OF AN IMMORTAL PROMISING, VOWING, TO LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY GIVE ME SO MANY FEELING. A love by a being made to be eternal ?!!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT. IT’S LIKE VOWING YOURSELF TO A BUTTERFLY. Also immortal Merthur getting married because I think immortality is great 💅 SOME OF US HAVE THING TO DO)
4:01不愿 错过这时间
bú yuàn cuò guò zhè shí jiān
I don’t want to miss this spilt second.
4:04深情 描摹你眉眼
shēn qíng miáo mó nǐ méi yǎn
Deeply in love I traced your features.
4:07我在这里与你 看落花飞雪
wǒ zài zhè lǐ yǔ nǐ kàn luò huā fēi xuě
I am HERE with you, watching flowers fall and snow scatter.
——————-
Am I going to put this in a fic ? Maybe, who know, but if it happens I’m going to throw some pining Arthur because he thinks that Merlin wrote this for someone else (‘what is 10 years to 1500? :(‘ )while every immortal friends of Merlin are like ‘is he SERIOUS’
#merthur#arthur pendragon#merlin#merlin bbc#merlin emrys#immortal merlin#wangxian fandom I love you so much#arthur returns#post return arthur pendragon#My shit
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To Serve a King
Prompt: hey there! i absolutely adore your writing! i have reread them for the 3rd time since i found your fics! if you have time or any desire to do this at all i had a prompt for you! picture this! small moments in which merlin (and the knights obviously) protect arthur! they've seen him at his most vulnerable, merlin more than the others so i thought it would be so interesting and a good read (although everything you write is a good read) -bonk
Read on Ao3
Warnings: panic attacks, anxiety attacks, minor character death but that happens off-screen, uther pendragon being an asshole and arthur dissociating
Pairings: merthur, can be platonic or romantic i don’t care
Word Count: 3563
A King is as much a people's servant as the people are his. A King is just as much a person as his people are.
Sometimes he needs to be reminded that, as a person, he is allowed (and expected) to ask for help.
“I would like,” Arthur declares as the gauntlet falls to the ground for the fifth time, “to talk to the man who invented these and why he designed them to be so bloody difficult to put on with one hand. What, does he imagine I’m supposed to detach my own hand and put it in front of me? At least some of this is made with the understanding that ‘oh, a man’s only going to have one hand when he puts this on. Surely, it would make sense, then, to design it to be easy to do with only one hand?’”
“The compromise,” says the empty tent which should be empty, this is his private tent, which should be private, which means it should be empty, “for ensuring it won’t fall off when you need to stay on.”
Arthur freezes, shame and mortification flooding his face to the tips of his ears as he hears Elyan’s voice behind him. He opens his mouth, trying in vain to come up with something to say to save face, make an excuse, blame Merlin—Merlin isn’t here, you idiot, you can’t blame him when he isn’t even here—when Elyan’s hands take the gauntlet from the ground.
“I remember having the same conversation with my dad,” Elyan says as if he didn’t just stumble into the Crown Prince pouting like a child who couldn’t put his shoes on the right feet, “when he was demonstrating how to put the armor on and he needed someone else to come and help.”
“Why didn’t he let you help,” Percival asks—great, how many people are here to witness his shame?—“if you were supposed to be learning?”
“I was a shrimp of a sprog,” Elyan says wryly, “I’m pretty sure the breastplate was the size of my torso and head and arms.”
Percival snorts as he begins to fix the sloppy buckles at Arthur’s back. Part of him wants to snap that they’re fine, to leave them be, but he had the importance of fixing one’s armor on right drilled into him when he was barely old enough to heft a practice sword. “Did that mean you couldn’t lift it off the ground?”
“Oi! I’ll have you know I was plenty strong as a boy, just ask Gwen.”
“So then what was your excuse?”
“Gwen used to hide behind them when we played hide-and-seek,” Elyan says, slipping Arthur’s wrist between the metal and leather, “I was to make sure she wasn’t hiding and distracting me while Father was teaching us.”
“Did that work?”
“Oh, enough for me to learn what I needed to when I was that old.”
Percival grins. “So not at all, then.”
“We got the basics,” Elyan defends, reaching to fix the other gauntlet, “and then we successfully got my father to start looking for us instead of demonstrating while running around with his armor half fixed on.”
Percival laughs again and Elyan laughs too, shaking his head.
“It was almost worth the lecture we got, just to see Gwen running around with a breastplate over her shoulder like a turtle and my father chasing after her.” He adjusts the last strap and moves on to making sure the fingers fit right. “After that, he made sure to bring only one piece at a time. That was when I asked about doing it with one hand.”
He looks up at Arthur as he speaks, moving the glove carefully.
“My father told me a story about a man who bragged that he could put on and take off all of his armor with one hand. He was bragging in front of a group of older knights and one of them stood up and tugged on one of the straps.”
Arthur swallows. “What happened?”
“Oh, the whole thing fell off of him, all over the floor.” Elyan chuckles. “He made sure to have someone help him every day after that.”
The mental image of an entire set of armor falling off just like that is enough for Arthur to laugh too. He feels Percival tuck one last thing into place over his shoulder and nod.
“Thank you.”
“It’s our pleasure, sire,” Elyan says as he nods and steps away, “and our duty to ensure you’re safe.”
“Best not tell anyone else about that story, then,” Arthur grins as he picks up his sword, “lest they start getting ideas.”
“Oh, I’m the blacksmith,” Elyan says. “I’m the one with all the ideas.”
“Should I be worried about giving you my armor, then?”
“You? Never, sire, but perhaps some of the other knights should.”
“These wouldn’t happen to be the knights that snuck into the quarters and stole your food, would they?”
“I’d prefer not to answer that question, sire.”
Percival laughs, a loud and booming thing. “And they think that Gwaine’s the one they need to watch out for.”
Arthur has never realized how much the stench of ale isn’t necessarily the strongest smell in the world, but it gets absolutely everywhere.
The slosh of the tankards the next table over and the clanging of the tray as the barmaids bring the old ones in and the fresh ones out, the ringing and roaring of the boots as the rowdy customers only get rowdier, and above it all, the lingering persistent stench of ale.
It doesn’t even have much to do with the tankard in front of him. The tavern owner’s daughter, a sweet young thing who spends most of her time in the kitchen and upstairs and not down on the bar floor, has made apple cider today for the festival. Arthur had gladly accepted a tankard of that instead and paid her personally for it, smiling at the sparkles in her eyes and the way she’d eagerly said he could have as much as he wanted.
Gwaine had slapped him on the shoulder and called him a charmer.
But that had been when they’d first arrived, when the night was still young enough to be called the evening and Gwaine was at his shoulder. Now he has no idea where Gwaine is, although the smart coin is on the middle of whatever raucous celebration is happening in the corner over there.
His hands itch and he flattens one to the tankard and the other to the table, trying to stop the ache. His hand sticks immediately to the table and he grimaces, peeling it off and wiping it on his tunic. His hand slides off the tankard, clammy with sweat. Why is he sweating? It’s not that warm in here and fall is in full swing. There’s a draft coming in from the door, shouldn’t he be cold, if anything?
The draft reaches its fingers down the back of his collar and he sits up more, doing his best to fight it off. There’s something sickly sweet coming from a few tables over. It looks like someone’s had too much ale and promptly brought up their stomach. He takes a sip of the cider to try and distract himself and the flavor rips across his tongue.
It’s good, but it’s almost too good. Too rich. There’s too much spice in it.
Another clang as tankards crash together and he ducks, trying to hide his head. A flash of metal in the candlelight and his head jerks up, muscles tense, but there’s nothing.
There’s nothing.
He looks back down at the table.
“Arthur,” a voice says, distant and bubbling, “Arthur, look at me.”
Arthur looks up, amidst the din and chaos of the tavern, and sees Gwaine. When did he get here?
“Arthur,” he says again, and he sounds urgent, is something wrong? “Arthur, let go of the tankard, you’ll bust it open.”
He looks down. Oh. He’s gripping the metal so tight his knuckles are turning white. He tries to let go. His hand won’t respond.
“I can’t,” he tries to say, “I can’t let go.”
His mouth doesn’t respond.
“Right,” he hears Gwaine mutter, “let’s get you home.”
Strong hands, hands stronger than he’d ever admit, pry the tankard from his fingers and leave a set of coins that thud against the inside of his head. An arm loops around his shoulders and ushers him toward the door, dodging the spray of ale and the smell it carries.
A wave of cold and they’re outside, walking up the path. It still smells like ale. Gwaine is at his shoulder. Does Gwaine smell like ale? He doesn’t know anymore, everything smells like ale.
“Sorry,” Gwaine says, bubbling distantly again, “didn’t realize. I wouldn’t have left you on your own for so long.”
“Realize what?”
“How much it was.”
“Shouldn’t be,” he manages through a cotton tongue, “shouldn’t be too much. ‘M a prince, should be fine.”
Gwaine is quiet for a moment. When he thinks he’s forgotten, he says: “it’s because you’re a prince that it’s too much.”
“What does that mean?” He would sound much more intimidating and powerful if he weren’t leaning on Gwaine to get him back to the castle.
“It means that even when there’s one of those incredibly lavish feasts or tournaments or whatever, you’re always in a bubble. Not just anyone can come up to you, you’re…you’re in a world of your own.”
He doesn’t want to be. He wants to serve the people, that makes him just as much their servant as they are his.
“And it’s great that you think that,” Gwaine says, kinder than he normally sounds for Arthur, “but that doesn’t mean you don’t need moments to adjust to it.”
“Okay.”
Gwaine nods. “Come on. Let’s get the rest of the ale off you, you might be able to rest a bit more.”
Gwaine doesn’t smell like ale.
There’s a speck on the corner of Uther’s throne. He should tell someone to clean it off.
“Let me make myself perfectly clear.”
It’s the servant’s job to notice things like this, not his. But if he’s noticed it, maybe that means they aren’t doing their jobs.
“If you interrupt me while I’m speaking again, I will have you flogged.”
No, that’s not fair, the servants have so much to do. And normally, no one can see this part of the throne because Uther is sitting in it.
“If you insist on defying me again, I will have you thrown in the dungeons.”
Maybe he can just scrub the speck away with his tunic. Won’t take more than a moment if he can get away. Then the servants won’t have to worry about it.
“Is that understood?”
“Y-yes, my lord, perfectly.”
“Good.” Uther turns to him, a thunderstorm barely contained in a mass of creaking leather. “Arthur, anything to add?”
He swallows through a dry throat and shakes his head. “No, Father, nothing.”
Uther nods and turns back to a cowed and quiet council, continuing to read off the decisions he’s made that he expects them to agree to. There’s something wrong with the buckle on his right glove. It’s not straight. It needs to be polished, too, some of the metal has started to corrode right where the leather strap goes. Every time he moves his hand, the stain is exposed. That should be polished too. Maybe he can—
“Sire,” a low and much friendlier voice murmurs, “would you mind terribly explaining this set of maps to me?”
Arthur turns, seeing Lancelot a few paces back, holding a set in his hands. He motions to a quieter spot in the room, away from the main meeting. Arthur glances at Uther, then at Lancelot. He stretches his neck out to see what Lancelot’s holding. He frowns. It’s just a set of hunting maps.
He glances at Uther and moves back, squinting at them again. “They’re of the regular hunting grounds, what do you need explained?”
“There have been reports of bandits raiding in these areas, claiming they’re out of food.” Lancelot offers the maps again. “Some of the patrol men think it would be worth investigating here.”
Arthur opens his mouth to respond when he sees Uther turn and look for him. He freezes, drawing himself up taller and folding his hands behind his back.
Uther turns and looks at him. “What are you doing?”
“My apologies, sire,” Lancelot says, swooping in front of Arthur and bowing low, “I finally procured the maps the prince requested for tracking this group of bandits and I asked him to ensure they were the correct ones. My sincere apologies for the interruption.”
Uther looks at the maps, nods, and waves his hand.
Lancelot turns, still between Arthur and the King, and holds them out again. “You were saying, sire?”
“…we should start looking here,” Arthur says, pointing to a ravine, “that’s the most defendable spot.”
“Very good, sire.”
“Thank you,” he whispers, hidden behind the folds of Lancelot’s cloak.
“Of course,” Lancelot whispers back, “any time.”
It’s so…small.
He binds the feet first, tearing off the strips of cloth and tying them carefully around the ankles. Then the knees, to ensure it will be easier to maneuver once he’s done. Then the wrists, tied to the sides of the hips to keep the cloth in place and the weight even when it’s picked up. The elbows, then, across the chest, and finally around the head.
He steps back, prepared to pick up the wood laid next to him, when he just looks at it again.
It’s so small. Barely longer than two saddles laid end to end. It’s so small there, on the forest floor, white sheet with little flecks of dirt on one side. He takes the end of one of the last strips of fabric and knots it around the head one more time, just to make sure the cloth will stay in place.
Whether it is to offer dignity or spare himself, he doesn’t know.
Another quiet thud and he looks over. Leon stands up, having collected the last of the pyre, and gestures to Arthur’s pile of wood.
“I’ll take that, if you please?”
Arthur just nods, looking back down at the white figure as Leon hefts the wood. He can hear it being placed, can hear the quiet grunts as Leon makes sure everything is secure. When all is quiet again, he hears footsteps and the cleaning of a throat.
“Ready for you, sire.”
Right. Now is not the time to lose his nerve. He takes a deep breath and leans down, scooping the figure into his arms and turning. It’s so small. It’s too small.
He lays it down atop the pyre and steps back. Leon wordlessly holds out the flint and steel and he takes it, stepping forward and setting it alight.
Together, they watch as the body goes up in flames.
Leon speaks first. “It wasn’t your fault, Arthur.”
He swallows around the lump in his throat. “It was. I should’ve been more careful.”
“You were fighting for your own life,” Leon corrects gently, “there was only so much you could’ve done.”
“I’m Crown Prince of Camelot,” Arthur spits as the fire crackles, “I should be able to do more.”
A pause, then a firm hand on his shoulder. “Even you can’t stop death, Arthur, no man can.”
Unbidden a snarl rises and he whips around, almost shoving Leon away. “Then why is it that I can order it without anyone to stop me?”
He glares at the fire, daring the smoke to sting his eyes. It does and does so with glee.
“How can I sentence men to die, make them die for me,” he shouts, “if I can’t command them to live as well? Why is it that I can make people die but I can’t make them stop?”
His voice cracks on the word ‘stop.’ Something in his chest cracks too.
“Why can’t it stop,” he hears himself saying, “why won’t it stop, why won’t it stop?”
“Come,” he hears quietly amidst his babbling, “shed your tears, sire, it’s alright.”
He buries himself in Leon’s arms as the fire smolders, small, small, so small.
He wakes up screaming.
“Arthur!” Merlin’s hands cover his shoulders, run across his frigid skin. “Arthur, Arthur, it’s me, it’s Merlin, you’re alright, you’re safe.”
His throat aches. His eyes burn in the darkness. He’s crying. He’s crying.
“Arthur, hey, hey, Arthur,” Merlin keeps calling, trying to coax him to look at him, “hey, it’s alright. It’s just me, just clumsy old Merlin. You’re not scared of me, right?”
Merlin? No, no, he could never be scared of Merlin. Merlin is safe, Merlin is always safe. Merlin is there when he needs him to be. He can be safe with Merlin.
“That’s right,” Merlin says softly, “you’re safe. You’re with me and you’re safe. We’re in your chambers, in the castle, right here.”
He blinks. His heart is beating like he’s been running for a year. Merlin lifts a goblet to his lips and he drinks. Water.
“Can you see the moon? It’s really bright tonight.” Merlin coaxes his head to the side, out the window. “See?”
It is very bright. His room is silver. There are breezes that flutter the curtains as the candles burn. He’s still crying.
“I like looking at the moon,” Merlin says, still talking in that soft and even voice, “because it’s always the same moon. I can look at it here and know that my mother is looking at it too, back in Ealdor.”
Merlin sets the goblet back on the table and crawls onto the bed next to Arthur, offering him a shoulder to lean against as Arthur stares out the window. Merlin is warm and solid against his back.
“I think I used to tell my mother I looked for faces on the moon. I’d see something that looked like a smile, or an eye, or a nose, and I’d describe it for her. And then she’d describe what she saw for me.”
The moon glows in the night sky, silver and still. He takes a deep breath in, and a deep breath out.
“One time she told me that we would never see exactly the same face because no two faces were exactly the same.” Merlin shifts behind him. Arthur reaches out blindly and feels Merlin take his hand. He squeezes. “But that’s alright, because we’d still be looking at the same place.”
A pause. Then Merlin leans closer.
“Can you see a face?”
Arthur squints. “Er…up near that big spot. That looks like a mouth.”
“Mm. Yes, I see it. With the two little spots as eyes?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a good one. It’s smiling at you.”
Arthur smiles back.
+1.
Uther’s not even the king anymore, Arthur thinks as he dodges another rock, why can’t these sorcerers at least attack me because of something I’ve done?
The sorcerer in question, however, seems to not be interested in the fact that Uther is dead—which, alright, fair enough—and hurls another boulder at them, despite Arthur refusing to fight back when he realized what’s going on.
“You royals think you’re so brave,” the sorcerer sneers, “cowering behind the bodies of men you throw at your problems so you don’t have to risk anything yourselves.”
I’m not my father, Arthur thinks as he sees his men still running to catch up with him.
“Do you know what it feels like to be scared?” The sorcerer steps closer. “To fear for every second of your life? As if it could be your last?”
“I do,” Arthur calls, trying to inject as much sincerity into his voice as he can, “perhaps not in the same way you do, but yes, I know what that’s like.”
The sorcerer scoffs. “I don’t think you do. Which is why I’m going to make you understand!”
Don’t like the sound of that.
Arthur opens his mouth to try and plead one last time when a bolt of energy hits him square in the chest.
He can hear the sounds of his men yelling out for him but the blood rushes in his ears and he can’t make out anything else. Panic grips his chest and squeezes his heart until it’s about to burst. He doubles over, shoving himself against the rocks and scrambling back.
This is fear, a voice whispers inside his head, this is true fear. What will you do now, little prince, when you have to be afraid and only afraid? Who will protect a frightened and panicked King who can do nothing for himself?
Memories.
Memories of kind hands and careful words and clever stories.
Memories of protective holds and promised favors and practiced comfort.
Memories of his knights, his brothers, his family.
Memories of his Merlin, his chosen, his safety.
My people will help me, he thinks amidst the panic, my people will help me as they trust I will help them.
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I just saw your merthur week gifsets and oh my god, they're so pretty!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️
The colouring/gifs are absolutely lovely as well but I think my favourite part were your comments.
aka his jokes are his armour and his kindness is his sword (that is true 😔)
aka bye bye agrabitch. good riddance. (That one made me laugh .Thank you for that💕 . I personally refer to Agravain as Agrostain but I think I'm going to start using yours it's much more fitting.)
I can't believe someone made a gifset for me. And such an amazing one at that . Thank you ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
-Your amazing anon
oh my god agrostain is brilliant 😂 i always use agrabitch and killibitch for the large lizard LMFAO i am apparently very not creative💀
i am so glad i made you laugh🥺❤️and yay!!! im so happy you liked your set! i figured a gifset of merlin’s love and kindness was perfect for u.
thank you for always making me smile, i adore you so, so much, my amazing anon🥰i hope you have a wonderful new year’s lovely!!
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SO Diamond of the Day HMMMMM this episode was not was i was expecting and IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN I’D IMAGINED. HEARTBREAKINGLY DEVASTATING? YES OF COURSE. BUT SO SO BEAUTIFUL. i didn’t think it was going to be almost entirely Merlin and Arthur intimately talking and holding each other and everything coming out. and i’m so so happy that that’s what it was 🥺🥺🥺 it was fully just a Merthur episode. the episode we all deserved despite the tragedy because it did fit well even if it’s heartbreaking okay? 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Merlin: “you’re bleeding”
Arthur: “that’s alright i thought i was dying
ARTHUR BABE COULD YOU MAYBE NOT FOR LIKE TWO (2) SECONDS???
Merlin’s just rambling about everything he’s done and should’ve done and Arthur’s just smiling at him dopily i cannot deal with this 🥺😭 and Merlin just breaks down crying as he tells him that he’s the sorcerer i- 🥺🥺🥺
the way they’re holding each other
Merlin said ‘i use my magic for you, Arthur. only for you’ 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 let’s be honest, Diamond of the Day Part 2 is all just 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 oh, and some more 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Arthur just fucking breaks when Merlin first does magic in front of him knowingly obviously lmao he’s just so scared and feels betrayed i-
when Gaius comes back with the herbs and Merlin’s angry at his dad Gaius for not getting the best things he could because he’s just so scared about Arthur this boy i swear- 🥺🥺 but Gaius just knows and tells him to go water the horses lmao come on Gaius you KING
it’s so lovely when Gaius is talking to Arthur about Merlin and trying to talk him round and then we get the gem: ‘there are those who say he’s the greatest sorcerer to walk the earth’... ‘Merlin?’ lmaoooo Arthur stop being a little shit for like TWO (2) SECONDS and listen to Gaius
Merlin is just distraught ‘i can’t let you die’ OH BABY. the ANGST i simply could not deal
then they come across the two saxons ‘you have to help us, we were ambushed’ ‘by who?’ ‘tHEse tWo mEN’ nice one Merlin glad to see your ability to lie has not improved since.. the poetry incident lmaooooooo i can’t with him then Merlin fucking magics them into oblivion and all Arthur can say is ‘you’ve lied to me all this time’ 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and the look he gives Merlin just broke me. THE ANGST
then in the forest at night Arthur half heartedly spits ‘why don’t you use magic’ when Merlin’s tryna light the fire oh baby Arthur’s so mad i can’t with this boy. you little arsehole Arthur Pendragon boy’s been saving your life since day one pipe down ANYWAY Merlin gives him a proper answer and says it’s just out of habit and he turns to Arthur and this boy just NODS AT MERLIN AND THE GROUND, WITH A SLIGHT HINT OF A SMILE AND RAISED EYEBROWS AS IF TO SAY ‘GO AHEAD, DO IT’ THE CHEEK OF THIS MAN he just wants to watch him do it. anyway Merlin does and says ‘it feels strange’ and all Arthur can say is ‘yeah’ yeh alright well done mate do better next time i know you’re dying babe but please
Arthur still has the same expression on his face, ever so slight smile, and says ‘i thought i knew you’ and Merlin’s looking at him like ‘wtf man what do you want me to say to that exactly??’ but actually says ‘i’m still the same person’ 🥺🥺🥺 ‘i trusted you’ 🥺🥺🥺🥺 ‘i’m sorry’ 🥺🥺 ‘i’m sorry, too’ 🥺🥺🥺 I’M SORRY TOO. ARTHUR SAID I’M SORRY TOO
OH I’M SORRY BUT I CAN’T ANYMORE THIS IS TOO MUCH 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
then a crazy intimate moment where Merlin takes off Arthur’s boots and Arthur’s so confused as to why he’s still acting like this UHHHHH KING that’s all Merlin’s ever done he just wants to be yours take that as you will
then Merlin’s feeding him and Arthur just comes out with it. he doesn’t understand why he would act the servant when he’s a sorcerer 🥺🥺 ‘it’s my destiny’ ARTHUR IT’S HIS DESTINY I- ‘as it has been since the day we met’ and Arthur cracks a slight smile at that 🥺🥺🥺 ‘i tried to take your head off with a mace’ ‘and i stopped you, using magic’ AND LET ME TELL YOU THESE BOYS REMINISCING JUST FINISHED ME OFF ONCE AND FOR ALL WHY IS THIS SO SOFT 🥺🥺🥺 ‘you cheated’ ‘you were going to kill me’ ‘i should have’ ‘i’m glad you didn’t’ and Arthur scoffs i’ve asked you before, can you just pipe down for a sec? thanks. and Merlin’s just saying lovely things to him and Arthur’s just looking at him so intently and sweetly ‘there’ll never be another like you, Arthur’ and then Arthur’s pondering and Merlin looks away like he’s spoken out of turn and idk man getting a bit of a GAY VIBE like he’s admitting his love and shouldn’t have. idk seems kinda gay to me. idk though
the way he holds his head while he’s feeding them yes i know this is just what you do but 🥺🥺🥺🥺
at this point every time Arthur collapses i was crying because i kept thinking he was gonna die at any minute i- i’m a mess
Arthur says ‘why did you never tell me?’ king. KING. how could he??? 🥺🥺 and Arthur just looks so so sad
the way Merlin’s holding him
Merlin tells him he didn’t want to put Arthur in that position of deciding whether or not to chop his head off and Arthur replies with a smile ‘that’s what worried you?’ 🥺🥺🥺 YES KING HE’S ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT YOU. Merlin tells Arthur that he was born to serve him and that he’s proud of that and Arthur’s just looking at him like Merlin’s just given him the world 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
‘so you’re not an idiot that was another lie’ lmaooooo king stop ‘no, it’s just another part of my charm’ and Merlin turns back to him and gives him the warmest little smile 🥺🥺 and Arthur has a little smile to himself 🥺🥺🥺
then Merlin’s doing all his little magic tricks to distract the saxons and Arthur’s watching so intently. so quizzically. and says with his trademark sarcasm ‘you’ve done this before’ and Merlin just looks at him and Arthur almost doesn’t know what to say until ‘all these years Merlin, you never once sought any credit’ YEAH WE KNOW KING THAT’S WHY YOU LOVE HIM
i just love how this episode is just the progression Arthur slowly coming to terms with who Merlin is and accepting him for it which is not what i thought it was going to be but boy oh boy am i glad that it is 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Arthur’s starts ‘whatever happens...’ and is about to say something sad and Merlin just- ‘shh don’t talk’ ‘i’m the king Merlin, you can’t tell me what to do’ ‘i always have, i’m not going to change now’ ‘i don’t want you to change. i want you to always.. be you’ 🥺🥺 this episode really gave us everything and then took it all away huh? and then they’re joking and Arthur’s delirious and passes out and Merlin’s got tears in his eyes, just holding his neck to make sure he’s ok 🥺🥺🥺
and then it’s time for Morgana to die and Arthur has to watch Merlin plunge this blade into his sister because that’s who she is even if she’s gone a bit bad lmao and Merlin says ‘goodbye Morgana’ and Arthur’s just staring like he feels nothing at this point 🥺🥺🥺🥺 but then he says ‘brought peace at last’ and i just- 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i’m broken 🥺🥺
and then Arthur collapses. and they joke about Merlin’s magic not being able to save him🥺 and Merlin’s just holding him. 🥺 because that’s what Arthur asks him to do 🥺 please. and Arthur says ‘there’s something i want to say’ and i was just sobbing uncontrollably at this point. and Merlin thinks he’s going to say goodbye. but that’s not it. of course that not it Merlin. 🥺🥺 ‘everything you’ve done... i know now. for me, for camelot... for the kingdom you help me build’ AND IT’S COMING. Merlin tells him he would’ve done it without him and i think we all know that’s not true and Arthur says ‘maybe’ with a smile at him 🥺🥺🥺 AND IT’S STILL COMING ‘i want to say something i’ve never said to you before’ and I FUCKING KNEW what it was going to be ‘thank you’ and i just broke and so did Merlin and Arthur’s just smiling at him and Merlin’s shouting his name but he’s gone and 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 he whispers ‘stay with me’ but it’s too late 🥺🥺🥺 and Merlin screams for the Great Dragon.
he tells him there’s nothing that can be done. and Merlin thinks he’s failed but dragon boy tells him that’s not the case 🥺🥺 because he’s built everything that he was supposed to with Arthur 🥺🥺🥺 ‘i can’t lose him, he’s my friend’ oh
‘Arthur is not just a king... he is the once and future king’ i-
and then Arthur’s in the boat and Merlin touches his forehead and he just breaks down crying and if i remember correctly Merlin, Arthur told you no man is worth your tears 🥺🥺🥺 and he just keeps touching him because it’s the last chance he’ll ever get. and he sets the boat off and he breaks down crying again. baby, me too
now, i don’t know if he was meant to light it up and couldn’t bring himself to??? but that’s what i’m thinking currently
OKAY I AM DONE. yes this was a post to help with the trauma. yes it’s long. i am currently dead. i’ll keep you updated lmao
#it was so beautiful#devastating but beautiful#i’m still not over the episode title#diamond of the day#so fucking beautiful#i am BROKEN#fucking hell#hopefully this’ll get better when i read some fanfic#lmaoooo#the cure for everything#yes i did just scrub through the episode to write this#it was another journey#it’s now 4:23am#i need to get some sleep#fuck#FUCK#this has been a ride#and it WILL continue#:’)#with a side of rambling#merlin ramblings#merlin#bbc merlin#merthur#bbc merthur#long post
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Hey! First I want to tell you how much I adore the things you write! You’re honestly so talented and I love your Merthur fics sooo much!! And now for the prompt thing, it’s kind of basic but if you could write something about merthur running away to live in a farm (On canon era)? Thank you! Stay safe
I had a bigger idea for this that I might expand into a longer fic one day. But who knows if that will ever happen. So here is this instead!
Prompts + Ficlets
Edit: now with a PART TWO
***
Merlin woke in a cold sweat, gasping as if he had been drowning. This was the third dream in as many days. First, he had dreamt of Gaius, sitting by a fire in a small house on the outskirts of the lower town. Merlin hadn’t thought much of it. Then next night he had dreamt of Lancelot, seeing him in Camelot’s red and gold, with Gwen by his side. The dream had made him sad, but nothing too worrisome. Tonight, Merlin had dreamt of Morgana. She was sitting on Camelot’s throne, Camelot’s knights at her feet, and Excalibur in her hand.
Gaius scolded Merlin for not telling him about the dreams sooner. Merlin defended himself, saying he hadn’t thought they were visions of the future. He wasn’t a Seer after all. Perhaps they were visions of a possible future.
“But Lancelot…” Merlin said, his voice trailing off and his heart sinking. “It must have been Gwen’s dream…”
Gaius shook his head, “I will try to find some explanation today. Now off you go before Arthur comes looking for you.”
Merlin thought about mentioning the dreams to Arthur. It had been a year since Merlin had told Arthur of his magic. Although Arthur had come to understand Merlin’s decisions, Merlin feared these visions would be too similar to Morgana’s nightmares for Arthur to trust them.
That night, Merlin went to sleep and almost as soon as he closed his eyes, he was opening them again. Except this time he wasn’t in his room, but in an open field. He blinked at the bright sky above him. Where was he? He wandered down the rows of wheat until he came across a small cottage. Merlin squinted and he could see a small village down the lane.
“There you are. Where have you been?”
Merlin turned around and was surprised to see Arthur. This far out in the country he had thought he might see Gwaine or Percival. He looked around, trying to see who Arthur was talking to, but no one else was around.
“What are you looking at? Close your mouth, you look like a startled stoat. Come on,” Arthur wrapped an arm around Merlin’s shoulders and tugged him along.
In his three previous dreams, no one had ever acknowledged him. He could walk around and speak, but it was like he wasn’t there at all. Merlin stumbled along, trying to piece together what was different. All his other visions were of places he had been before, but this place was completely unfamiliar. It must have been something of Arthur’s memories.
Arthur led Merlin to the cottage, but instead of going inside, Merlin was dragged around the side to where there were even rows of vegetables and herbs. Clucking and pecking between the plants was about a dozen chickens. Merlin blinked at the scene before him. It reminded him of Ealdor.
Arthur’s hand slipped to Merlin’s neck and playfully ran over Merlin’s hair.
“Look!” He said with the sort of smile Merlin so rarely saw. It wasn’t like the polite smile Arthur used with his counselors, or the comforting smile he used with while holding court, or even the roguish smile he used with his knights. It was a barely-there tilt of his lips with his eyes almost closed with mirth.
Merlin was so distracted that he didn’t see what Arthur was pointing at.
Arthur rolled his eyes and turned Merlin’s head to the back of the cottage, towards a lavender bush. Only one or two of the flower bundles
had popped open to reveal the light purple blooms, but Merlin could tell it would be in full bloom in a few days.
“Lavender?” Merlin asked, looking at the plant. It had obviously been well kept, trimmed and watered.
Arthur stared at him as if he had grown two heads. “Aren’t you happy?”
“Uh,” Merlin gave a wary smile, “It’s very nice…?”
“Nice? You’ve been yammering about your stupid bush for weeks, waiting for it to bloom so you can dry it and use it in poultices, and
now that it is, it’s just nice?”
Merlin opened his mouth, about to say that this couldn’t possibly be a vision. Merlin must have eaten something off before falling asleep. This couldn’t be Arthur’s vision for the future.
“This is my lavender bush?”
“Yes, of course it is. Did you think I dug up yours and put in a new one?”
Merlin looked down at Arthur, just now taking in the fact that Arthur wasn’t in chainmail. He wasn’t in his usual well-crafted clothes either. He was in a loose-fitting white shirt that was unlaced at the chest, exposing tanned skin. His boots were scuffed and his hands were dirty, as if he had just been working in the garden behind the house.
“I was feeding the girls when I saw the new blooms. I’ve been trying to find you for ages. Were you off in the woods practicing your magic?”
There was too much in that sentence to digest. All Merlin said in response was, “The girls?”
Arthur gestured to the chickens, as if that was the sane thing to do.
“Are you alright? You seem... off.” Arthur asked, before shaking his head, “No matter. Let’s go inside and we can have some of that rabbit stew you promised me.”
Arthur walked into the cottage, which must have been Merlin’s. Merlin looked at the lavender bush and the small cottage. Did Arthur… Did Arthur want Merlin to leave Camelot? Was his dream for Merlin to practice his magic where Arthur didn’t have to see it?
Merlin stepped into the cottage cautiously. The first room was a large space with a large pot hanging over a fire. There were shelves of food with a table that was cluttered with bottles and dried herbs. There was another smaller table off to the side which was obviously meant for eating. So far, it looked like a nice home. Merlin wouldn’t mind living in, if the dreaded feeling that Arthur wanted him gone wasn’t overwhelming him.
While Arthur went to look at the stew, Merlin quickly took at glance at the only other room. There was a bed, larger than Merlin had ever had. In the corner was a wardrobe and what made Merlin pause was the chest in the corner. It looked identical to the chest that sat in Arthur’s chambers. Then his eye caught on the table next to the bed. Excalibur was leaning against the bedside table.
“Merlin?”
Merlin turned on his heel to see Arthur leaning in the doorway.
“Looking for something?” He was smiling, his brows raising, almost as if to imply…
Merlin blinked at Arthur, his mind connecting the clues but not wanting to allow himself to believe it.
“The food will get cold if you dawdle any longer,” Arthur said, but he didn’t seem in a rush. No, in fact he seemed happy to take his time.
Happy. That was the feeling Arthur seemed to be radiating. Not the pride of Morgana’s vision, the love of Gwen’s, or the peace of Gaius’. He was so inexplicably happy, and Merlin had never seen him like this before. So at ease in his own skin.
Merlin opened his mouth, his throat closing with emotion.
“What is it, love?”
Merlin closed his eyes at the endearment that rolled off Arthur’s tongue so easily. So natural that Merlin’ heart ached at the sound. Merlin could feel himself shake. He tried to calm himself, knowing that too much emotion would likely wake him. He couldn’t risk that, not when he was so close to understanding.
“Merlin,” Arthur stepped up in front of Merlin so that they were eye to eye. “Is something wrong? You seem upset.”
Merlin opened his mouth, but no words came out.
Arthur’s dream was to be a farmer. A dirty farmer on the edge of some kingdom, with his knight’s armor piled in the corner, as if a forgotten past. Arthur’s impossible dream was to be here, in some unnamed village, with rabbit stew, and chickens, and…Merlin.
Merlin tried to keep an even expression, but he could feel his lips tremble, and Arthur began to blur as Merlin’s eyes watered.
A king could never be truly happy. It was a fact that both Merlin and Arthur had come to understand a long time ago. Merlin knew that Arthur would have to make choices that would weigh on him. Arthur had already lost so much through this war, and it was only the first step to a united Albion. They both had a weight on their shoulders that they could never escape.
Arthur reached out, his hand resting on Merlin’s neck, his fingers skimming into his hair. “Do you want to lie down?” Arthur asked, his voice so sweet that Merlin felt like he was about to choke on his own tears. “I’ll take the stew off the fire and we can lie down for a bit.”
Arthur turned to leave, but Merlin could not let him. He grabbed Arthur’s tunic, his fingers clenched in the thin white fabric, holding him in place.
“Don’t go,” Merlin whispered, ashamed at how desperate he sounded.
“Oh, love. What happened?” Then Merlin was being wrapped in Arthur’s arms. He could barely feel those strong arms wrap around him, his face being pressed to Arthur’s neck, before his eyes opened and he felt his own small bed underneath him.
He choked out and raised his hand to his face to find that he had started crying in his sleep.
“Merlin?” Gaius rushed into the room and when he saw Merlin, he sighed. He sat on the edge of the bed, “Oh, my boy.” Merlin let Gaius wrap an arm around him, feeling ashamed at his tears. Only the night before he had dreamt of Morgana taking the throne and that hadn’t thrown him into a fit. But a single lavender bush and an uninhibited smile from Arthur, and he was trying to keep himself from falling apart entirely.
“It’ll be alright, it was only a dream.”
If only Gaius knew that Merlin wished it wasn’t.
***
PART TWO
Prompts + Ficlets
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