#so i think it's important for everyone to keep that in mind

[secretsandwriting]

heyyyy ryyyyy <333

since ur requests are open i thought id go ahead and ask if you're mayhaps open to anything for batmom? i don't have a completely solid idea but maybe smn like batmom has been getting threats or maybe hate or smn from somebody and everyone's reactions and how they get hella protective?

obv no pressure and you definitely do not have to write this

hope you have a great day bb

Heyyyyy, so this grew hands and wrote itself, I hope you enjoy it. It did end up with a lot of backstory.

Earned Position

5.3k words

You knew this would happen. Once your relationship with Bruce got out there would be an influx of love and hate. You also knew that everyone else knew that as well. It was common knowledge than anyone around a celebrity of sorts would experience that. 

Of course you did the normal things, turned off most notifications and only looked through areas online you knew would mostly be safe. You blocked tags and and only followed people you knew or ones who didn’t post about drama. 

When you did stumble onto hate, you moved on. If someone kept sending you nasty messages you blocked them, when they made other accounts to keep sending the same things, you changed your settings so only those you followed could message you. 

It wasn’t something you wanted to deal with but it was something you could handle. Something you started mentally preparing yourself for when Bruce’s attention on you lasted more than 4 dates, even more so when you caught yourself daydreaming about him.

You were not going to let random bitter people on the internet destroy your happiness like they did their own. Your family however, wanted to destroy what was left of your haters' happiness. Something you were trying to curb, but trying to tell a family of vigilantes who considered you the best mom in existence not to destroy your haters was like talking to a brick wall. Over the years, you had gotten used to it. It barely even registered anymore. But there had been a recent influx of the hate and while it didn’t bother you, it bothered the rest of your family. None of them could stand people talking bad about their mom.

While you hadn’t been there while the older ones were young, the second you had introduced yourself to them, you had taken a very important role in their lives. None of them realizing it at first. All of them had gotten used to the random women Bruce brought home that it took a little while for them to realize how important you were. 

Dick wasn’t sure at first. Thinking you were just another girlfriend that wouldn’t last long. So he didn’t really interact with you much. Ignoring your existence when it wasn’t too rude, or at least obviously rude. Until one night when he was staying at the manor and had a nightmare about his parents death. 

Bruce had an open bed policy. As long as there was still room for him, his bed was open. A policy he had started when Dick had gotten old enough he was worried he wouldn’t be allowed to go when he had a nightmare. Bruce had always reminded all his kids, that nightmares don’t go away just because you’re older and that needing comfort wasn’t something they would outgrow. 

The thing was, you were there. Girlfriends didn’t mind when children did it but they never liked it when his adult kids did it. The shaking in his hands and the way he saw them fall in the darkness of every blink told him the only way he was getting any sleep was with someone. 

Hopefully he could just slip into Bruce’s side and leave before you woke up. That was the plan until he found Damian on Bruce’s side and you had been pulled closer to Bruce taking up what was left. You moved a little and Dick took that as his sign to deal with it himself until he heard you whisper his name. He hummed so you knew it was him and not some random stranger standing over Bruce’s side of the bed. 

“Nightmare?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on.” You lifted the blanket next to you, “Bruce told me you guys come here when you have nightmares. There's plenty of room over here for you.” Dick hesitated for a second before giving in. He needed sleep anyway. You weren’t when you said there was plenty of room, Dick had most of your half of the bed. Once he had settled on his side, facing away from you, he felt you pull the blanket over his shoulders. 

“Night Dick, sleep well.” For some reason, that was what did it. Once the tears started they didn’t stop. Silent sobs made him shudder and he felt one of your hands gently rubbing his back. “Oh Dick.” There was no pity in your tone and he found himself rolling over and curling into you. Your chin resting on his head while you rubbed his back. 

The next day, he followed you around like a puppy. Your side of the bed became his favorite when he had nightmares and it wasn’t long before he turned to you for general comfort over anything.

Jason met you at his grave. Neither of you exchanged words, but he caught something in your gaze he didn’t quite understand. He also wasn’t sure why you were at his grave either, he didn’t know you when he was younger. 

When he saw the Gotham News post about Bruce and Your 2nd anniversary, it brought more questions than answers. Why were you at his grave alone? Let alone longer than a few seconds. It was an odd way to gain more of Bruce’s affections. 

Every Tuesday you would be there, leaving flowers and talking softly to the stone. Every time you left, you would smile and nod, the look in your eyes he couldn’t figure out was still there. Every time he would strain to heat what you were saying and only be able yo a few words here and there. 

6 months into it, the routine changed. You brought a blanket and Basket with your usual flowers. You did what you normally did with the flowers but instead of talking to the stone you waved him over. When he didn’t move, you stopped what you were doing and looked at him. 

“Jason Todd, I have been keeping your secret for 6 months. Helping me spread this blanket and having lunch won’t change it.” He stared at you while you waited expectantly. Eventually when he could get himself to move, he came over and helped. He sat down where you motioned for him too, all while trying to figure out how you knew.

“Bruce mentioned this used to be your favorite when you were younger so I asked Alfred to teach me how to make it. I hope it's up to your standards.” He looked at the plate of food you handed him. It was almost overflowing with food, all of which reminded him of the good times back at the manor before he died. “Alfred also sent your favorite cookies when he heard I would be eating at your grave.” The bag of cookies was placed next to the basket, within easy reach.

“Why?” Was all Jason managed to choke out around the lump in his throat.

“I decided early on in life, no matter who I was with, I would love their family as my own. My grandfather hated my grandmothers side and it caused a lot of pain in all the generations. I decided I would never do that to another family.” Jason found himself back in control enough to start eating. 

“So when I started dating Bruce and he told me about you, I decided to treat you like you were my own. Even though I had never met you and you were dead. Most of what that meant was keeping your grave clean and always making sure there were fresh flowers. While I did that, I would tell you everything that was going on.”

“How did you know it was me?”

“Your eyes, they may be a different color but they looked too similar. So I did a little digging and found pictures of your biological pictures to place the face shape it matched. I think however you look more like Bruce then either of them.”

“Are you going to tell them?”

“As much as I would love to. It’s your choice. You’ve been keeping this to yourself for a reason. If I can help you get to a place to tell them, I would love to. But I won’t say a word until you're ready. However, I would like to keep having lunch with you.” 

A year later, Jason reintroduced himself to the rest of the family a lot calmer than originally planned and was glued to your side anytime he felt overwhelmed that night. Every Tuesday after that, lunch was scheduled.

Tim was nervous when it came to you. He was still living in the manor so he saw you more than the older two. You always seemed nice and respected his privacy but Bruce was always with you so you obviously would. 

It was when he wasn’t around that worried Tim. Bruce attracted golddiggers and they were always mean when Bruce wasn’t there. When you were given a copy of the key, Time braced himself. 

Of course he knew that if he told Bruce anything that happened like that, Bruce would break it off. He had always told them that they came first. But he also knew that Bruce liked you a lot. All the other ones Bruce liked a lot that turned out to be horrible, he broked it off. Tim had seen how it had made him upset and he really hated doing that to him. Maybe he could deal with it for once. 

So when Bruce left for a business trip, Tim was Expecting the worst. What he didn’t expect was for you to knock on his door and ask if you could join him. When he agreed and stepped back so you could come in. He expected you to go to his bed or his desk chair not, the oversized bean bag on the floor.

“I have a question for you but you can’t tell Bruce yet.” Here it comes. “What would a funny way to tell him I know he’s Batman?” Tim wasn’t expecting that one. “I was thinking a lot of batpuns but his paranoia is too bad for that.”

“How did you figure it out?” You walked him through your process and didn’t say anything as he wrote parts of it down. Once you finished explaining the process for Bruce, you explained any way it was modified in figuring out their identities.

“Who do you think I am?”

“Red Robin.” Tim found himself getting excited. 

“You know those notes you leave him in his office?” You nodded. “You should leave those in the Batcave.” You considered it but your thinking was interrupted but Tim shouting. 

“No! One night when we’re all in the cave, you could bring some snacks!” 

“You just want snacks when he’s lecturing you don’t you?”

“Maybe..”

“Alright, but you have to tell the others so they can tell me what snack they want.”

So Tim slowly and carefully went through all his siblings, letting them know you figured it out, Bruce didn’t know, and what the plan is. Every time he relayed a snack to you he’d watch how carefully you’d write it out to make sure you had it correct or look up recipes if you couldn’t find it in stores. 

Two weeks later, Tim was the one who sent the signal in the middle of a lecture everyone was receiving and he got a front row seat to see Bruce’s face when you walked in and handed out snacks before giving him a kiss and telling him to be nice and leaving. 

Any other worries were left in the dust when you helped him win the nerf war for the best seat in the home theater. He thoroughly enjoyed his spot next to you while Bruce swore revenge from the other side of the room.

Damian treated you politely but that was it. His mother was still alive and he didn’t want another one, one was more than enough. Not only that, but you were weird. 

One time when you were over, you found one of his report cards. Immediately you were praising him. He didn’t understand why, he had basically failed one of his classes with an A-. You should be disappointed like his mother would be, not hanging it up on the fridge and telling people not to touch it. Definitely not taking him out for ice cream and calling him so smart. He definitely shouldn’t be feeling any pride when he walked past it, but he still was. 

When he was practicing his violin and Messed up, you were supposed to tell him to stop failing, that he should be better. Not smiling at him and telling him he’s making good progress. You should be telling him that he should have memorized that piece in a day. He shouldn’t be feeling any pride when he finally does memorize it, it took him 4 days to learn it.

When he was struggling to learn a language, you were supposed to tell him to work harder. He could do better, after all, he already knew so many. Instead you just smiled and recommended a break to refresh his mind. 

When he snapped at you in Arabic, he expected you to be upset since you didn’t know what he said and it was obviously not something nice. Instead you set the rule that if he was going to use Arabic to speak to you when upset, that he had to teach it to you and if what he said wasn’t something you had learned yet, he had to tell you in english. When he told you what it meant, you didn’t even get upset. He definitely shouldn’t be as excited as he was when you actually started learning. 

So many more little things piled up, leaving Damian confused. The differences between how you and his mother treated him was so big he didn’t know how to process it, he liked you and all the little things made him happy in a way he hadn’t really felt. But he still loved his mom, When he had enough of it, he asked you to stop. He still wanted to love his mom. Once again, you did something you weren’t supposed to.

“Oh Damian, I’m not trying to replace your mom nor am I trying to make you feel like you can’t love her or she doesn’t love you. Your mom and I show our love in different ways and its ok for you to love or like both of us. You mother loves you and she will always be allowed in your life if thats what you want.” You weren’t supposed to do that, but Damian was really glad you did.

Barbara wasn’t sure how you would react to her. She wasn’t just Bruce’s kid. She had a loving family she went back to every night. Most people weren’t really a fan of that, one of Bruce’s past girlfriends had some strong and hurtful things to say about it. 

When you took her for a day out, she found herself warming up to you but still waiting for the other shoe to drop. One of the new places you had planned to go, didn’t have wheelchair access. Like all the other girlfriends who had done this, she expected you to be annoyed that your plans had to change or you would just leave her outside while you shopped. 

You didn’t seem to notice her hesitation, just looking at what was next on your list and starting the trip there. When Barbara stared a little longer at a new movie that was in theaters, tickets and snacks were bought and you listed to all the lore she told you about before it started.

While it had been a nice day, Barbara wasn’t convinced. One day was easy to fake. Sure she had lots of fun, but Barbara was used to fakes when it came to Bruce’s girlfriends. Of course she wasn’t complaining about you being nice, she just wasn’t sure how long it would last. 

“Did you hear about that boutique?” She looked up from her food to look at her dad. “That new one that you tried to go to with Bruce’s girlfriend? Well there was a report that it didn’t meet the Americans with Disabilities act and the boutique is in trouble. People are speculating they’ll have to close down.”

Later that night, Barbara looked into it. They were in trouble, pretty big trouble from the looks of it. Towards the end of the article she found the name of the person who reported it, she wasn’t sure who she was expecting. Not you for sure but the Name Y/n L/n took her by surprise and filled her chest with feelings she couldn’t describe. 

The boutique ended up closing but a new one opened. Once it was open, you were the first to ask her to go. That weird feeling came back when she wheeled herself up the ramp and through the door you held open for her. Later that night, in the privacy of her room. She decided she liked you. 

Steph seemed like she liked you, she acted like she liked you, she didn’t really like you. Sure you were nice, Bruce loved you, the others were warming up to you, but she wasn’t sure how to feel about you. So she stuck with not actually liking you but pretending to. 

So when she was around you, it was all smiles and jokes. She wasn’t a big fan of it all but she did it because she knew you were important to Bruce and that was enough of a reason for her. She knew Bruce and the others could see through the act but as long as you couldn’t, that was enough. 

When Bruce announced he had to leave for a business trip right before she could hand him the parents visit for one of her AP classes, something the new teacher liked doing. She tucked the paper away. When Tim gave her a questioning look, she shook her head and later swore him to silence. 

Every time she heard someone mention their parents were going, she felt a pang of jealousy in her chest. Every time Tim mentioned bringing it up to you, she swore him into silence again. It wouldn’t be the first time no one showed up for her. She was however thankful you wouldn’t be at the manor as much so she didn’t have to pretend to like you.

When the day arrived, Steph was not having a good day. School dragged on slowly. Slower than normal. When school finally ended, she had to sit in the classroom and watch everyone else that was in her class leave and the parents of her classmates show up while no one was there or coming for her.

Someone sat in the seat next to her, she expected another family member of one of her classmates. Definitely not you. She couldn’t return your smile, too unsure of how you found out, the fact you actually showed up, and how she felt about you being there. You leaned a little closer so that the others in the room wouldn’t easily overhear. 

“I know I’m not your parent and someone you just pretend to like so if you want me to leave I will. But I figured someone was better then no one. Oh, and Tim wanted me to tell you he didn’t spill. Your teacher called the manor because no one had RSVPed for you and I answered it.”

That night, as Steph showed off all her hard work to you, the charade fell. She actually enjoyed her time with you and the boost of pride as you oohed and ahhed over all her projects and listened to her explain all the little details. That night, Steph realized, she didn’t need to keep pretending. She liked you, until she found out you didn’t like her favorite show but a nerf war solved that. 

Cass could tell you were different then the other girlfriends, your body language as you interacted with all of them showed it. However that didn’t mean she knew how to interact with you.

She had learned that she was fairly hard for new people to interact with. She also knew she had trouble interacting with people she wasn’t fighting. So it wasn’t a surprise when it started rocky. 

What was a surprise, was when you found out she was still having trouble reading and writing, you stepped in to help. Well, that wasn’t the surprising part, a lot of girlfriends did that. The surprising part was the amount of patience you had when it was only the two of you. 

When one method didn’t help, you tried another. Never once did you snap at her or call her a name. Everytime you got frustrated you would stop and look at her, say something along the lines of “If I had as much trouble with this as you do, I wouldn’t want to keep trying. You're doing absolutely amazing! I’ll keep looking for other ideas, but for now, lets take a break and get a treat.” 

Cass wasn’t sure why that always made her feel better, but it did. Every treat you brought was something you made just for the tutoring sessions and it always reminded her of what Alfred had told her once. “Something made with love for you will always taste better.”

And when a method that made it a little easier to learn was found, Cass found herself smiling along with your cheers. Bad days where she couldn’t seem to make any progress were always met with the same excitement, cheers, patience, and treats that all the others were. 

Cass still wasn’t sure of what to think of you exactly, but she knew she liked you and that you cared about her.

So when Tim saw the new rise in hate, a sibling meeting was called. They all went through each site, blood boiling as they saw what people were saying about their new parent. Plans were made, declarations of war were ready, and anger fueled all of them. Bruce could tell something was going on, but he wasn’t sure what it was and as long as it didn’t get out of had, he wasn’t sure if he had the energy to deal with it. 

War was declared in an interview by Steph. The lady was asking questions when the topic switched to Bruce, then you. The reporter was clearly trying to subtly find some dirt on you and Steph was not going to stand for it.

“Oh yeah! Y/n! She’s the best!” She put on her best press face. Trying to hide her anger over the hidden intent. She didn’t have to lie or act when talking about you but the change in the lady’s face going to disappointment when she didn’t get anything she wanted was making her look very punchable. 

“She’s always showing up for us and making sure we’re doing ok. If Y/n and Bruce were to break up, I think most of us would go with Y/n.” The way the lady kept trying to get anything really got on her nerves and Steph decided she needed to get out of there before she started using the lady’s face for target practice. You wouldn’t like that.

Cass was the first one to resort to violence. They had asked a thinly veiled question, basically asking if you were a golddigger. So she punched him in the nose and leaned down to flip the camera off. She hated interviews already but that made it so much worse. She hoped you wouldn’t be too upset with her punching the guy though.

Jason, surprisingly enough. Did not get violent… physically. He did however curse one out and threaten him when the reporter implied you were forcing them to say nice things. When the reporter kept pressing Jason broke his mic and told him if he ever heard him talking bad about you again, a broken mic would be the last of his worries. Jason knew you would be disappointed but he had held back, he didn’t shoot the guy like he wanted.

Tim threw his coffee at one reporter because he heard them say you were nothing but a regular person who didn’t deserve any attention. He then took over her segment, threatening the company to air it or he would make sure they went bankrupt. Once he finished his threats, anything he said was praising you name. Telling everyone how amazing you were and how much they all loved you.

Barbara made it a point to bring up everything you did for the community when they tried to throw some shade at you in an interview. She had documents to prove it and hacked their systems to add them into the interview so they couldn’t claim it was fake. She also made sure to run over his foot when she left. 

Dick punched a reporter when they tried to ask him what you were really like behind closed doors. He told them the truth, that you were just as good, kind, patient, and loving behind closed doors as you were out in public. He didn’t throw a punch until the reporter disregarded that as asked again because she couldn’t be that good. Dick knew a lecture would be coming once you saw, but he would rather sit through a lecture then let anyone tarnish your name.

Damian spent 10 minutes cursing and threatening a reporter in Arabic when they asked him if you had ever hurt him. When he was done, he told them in english, that if he ever got asked that question again, he would impale them. He knew you were going to make him sit down and translate everything and the general response you would give but he didn’t care, no one speaks bad about either of his mothers.

Bruce figured out what was going on after Steph’s interview. He saw the ones where they assaulted or threatened the reporters and made sure his lawyers were on standby to keep the kids out of trouble. After all, he had seen more than they had. 

He had watched as you tried to connect with Dick early on, how you worked hard to try and get somewhere. He had woken up before you when Dick had come in that night and heard how you handled it. He had woken up the next morning to find you holding Dick close, like you were trying to protect him from the nightmares. He had seen how you never turned Dick down when he wanted comfort, no matter how serious or silly the matter, and he had heard your excitement when you told him Dick liked you.

Bruce had seen the way you never missed a visit to Jason’s grave, on a visit of his own, he saw how much care you showed the stone marking it as his lost son. While he hadn’t been sure why it was alway the same time on Tuesday, he didn;t mention it. He felt the way you would sob in his arms after each visit, a year after the tradition started, you always said you had promised not to tell and he watched as you kept that promise even if it tore you to pieces. Once the shock and tears wore off for a little bit, he could see the trust that Jason had in you.

He heard the way you questioned if you should have a key to the manor, you didn’t want to make Tim uncomfortable in his own home, or how you questioned if you should visit while he was gone. Not wanting to stress Tim out when there was no reason too. He saw the way you and Tim grinned at each other when you brought snacks down for all the kids he was currently lecturing. He head the excitement in your voice as you told him about the tour Tim had given you of the Batcave and the shared laughter as you and Tim worked together to win the nerf war.

Bruce saw how you worked to give Damian the affection he didn’t think he needed. He felt you crying in his arms upset over the fact Damian thought you would be angry because he made a mistake or struggled in a class. He heard you practicing your Arabic as you got ready for bed and he watched as you stress paced over whether or not you said the right thing to him about his mother. 

He saw how angry you had been when you came back from your day out with Barbara. He had heard your call with your lawyer as you tried to figure out what to do. He saw you going through the laws and making a list to make sure your lawyer didn’t miss any. He heard about the movie you didn’t particularly care about and the lore you remembered in case of another because you wanted Barbara to have someone she could tell all of her favorite things too. 

Bruce saw the pictures you had taken from the school night. He heard all the details from you as you praised Steph’s work. He saw the way Steph stopped acting around you and the silly arguments the two of you would get into for fun. He heard the way you would listen to her as she verbally worked out her problems. He saw the way Steph looked for you in a crowd, the way she knew you were there but not where you stood exactly, the thought of you not being there never crossed her. 

He saw the way you stayed up late, researching different ways to teach reading and writing. He heard the patience and kindness and you worked with Cass. He saw the way you always made a treat just for Cass to have after each lesson because you wanted to reward her hard work. He heard the way you cried for Cass when she had a bad day and got frustrated with herself because you knew she was smart and you wanted her to see it too. He heard your celebrations when Cass made any progress, no matter the size. 

Bruce heard, saw, and felt the way you worked hard to have a relationship with his kids. How you had mourned for their losses, celebrated their wins, and felt their pain. He saw the way his kids blossomed under your care, growing to be better and more confident in themselves. The way you cared for them as if they were your own flesh and blood. So when he was asked about his kids behavior, he said as much. 

“Y/n has worked hard to be accepted by them. She’s given so much of her time, effort, patience, and love and never wanted anything in return. She always shows up for them, no matter what the occasion is, big or small, it doesn’t matter. If they want her there, she’ll be there. Everytime they need or want her, she’s there. She never judges them and treats them as if they were her own blood. Of course their upset and lashing out, people are insulting the woman who has cared for them more then most of their biological mothers.”

Later, a clip of you scolding Bruce and all the kids went viral. While you were scolding them over their behavior and making the kids who had reacted with violence or threats write apology letters because asking mean questions does not make it right to respond badly especially when its someone just trying to start drama. Everyone one noticed that there was no actual bite to your tone and no anger when they all refused to stop acting like that. In fact, there was a small soft smile on your face as you shook your head at your family.

#dc #jason todd #dick grayson #tim drake #fem reader #batman x reader #bruce wayne x reader #Damian wayne #cassandra cain #stephanie brown #barbara gordon #batfamily x reader #batmom reader #batmom #request #cipheress-to-k-pop

[thurio-edau]

SBG GANG MENTAL ANALYSIS

yup, him for part two. funny thing despite Aiden being my favourite character I'm most excited for the other three posts I'll make, especially the last one. there's a lot to unpack here so

also im writing this with a migraine pls read it-

Part 2: Aiden Clark

ah, yes. the obviously-mentally-ill from the start fan favourite Aiden Clark. let's go.

first, I want to start with something I find really important about his character, what makes him heavily mischaracterized in the fandom. the 'psychopath' cliche.

the terms 'psychopath', 'insane' and 'unstable' are often confused with each other due to media stereotypes, such as Aiden here. one, he is not a psychopath. psychopath literally means a self-centered person who lacks sympathy, affection and care; making them far from most other characters in their franchise. their lack of sympathy/empathy often makes them criminalized, here

disturbing content warning, for an example of a psychopath.

let's take Gressil from Homesick for example since a lot of SBG readers also read Homesick. so, here, Gressil is a perfect example of an actual psychopath. his lack of empathy makes him torment others, he's very self-centered. and when asked why he's doing this? he says he was bored. let's look at Aiden here. what does Aiden do when bored? probably dumb ideas or annoy Tyler. not torturing people for fun. Aiden is just a boy who likes thrills, but he has a sense of empathy, care and justice.

you wanna see a psychopathic Aiden?? the canvas is it

(our local Logan hater is publishing the canvas eps go checc beachy out)

but that's him, not our Aiden. canvas does not equal originals y'all

alright, now since we got that cleared out!! firstly, ADHD.

I think everyone in the fandom is already aware that Aiden is ADHD but I'm still going to talk about it just like Ashlyn's autism. Red has also said that she wrote Aiden with ADHD in mind but hadn't canonically confirmed anyone as neurodivergent. let's start with the main symptoms of ADHD, also known as Attention Decifit and Hyperactivity Disorder.

I know about 5 different ADHD people myself and did some research, it probably won't be extremely accurate since I'm not ADHD myself, but I'll try to do whatever I can. first with the AD part, Attention Decifit.

now as seen, he doesn't exactly have any problems with theorizing itself. but the problem is that his attention just goes away easily.

i mean cmon bro was making memes on the job

he tries to do work, but can't. he has a low attention span which makes him not able to concentrate. he can't keep it up for long, he'll get distracted or bored too easily about things that doesn't interest in specially.

it's just distracting. what his attention is on constantly changes, there's more to that after the ADHD part but we're here for now.

the hyperactivity... it's a lot more apparent. but I should explain the insane-unstable thing before that.

insane means that someone's mental health is not in an okay situation, where it prevents the person from thinking normally, acting rationally, very often found together with delusions. the person is seriously mentally ill where it might count as a disability.

unstable, however, where someone is prone to psychiatric problems, has moodswings etc. they're not exactly the most sane person, but they aren't insane either. Aiden here, obviously falls on the unstable side. maybe just a little bit insane if you squint. this will be brought up later too, but it mixed well with his hyperactivity too.

and as we all know, our boy isn't exactly the most stable person. (sorry for the collages, but since there is a tumblr picture limit i have to keep on collaging. yes i learnt from the last time) his hyperactivity mixes with his unstable mindset which makes him incresingly vulnerable to danger- which he likes. from when the first shift happened, he's been really careless about stuff but it's been all about his love for thrill.

and it irritates Tyler, too.

the main subplot about his character is that he's a person of excitement. guess what? ADHD people like the excitement, they like new things, they like the adrenaline and thrill. now, Aiden's main characteristic of being unstable mixed with ADHD makes him an even more reckless person. another thing mixing with the hyperactivity, is boundaries.

this part will mostly be about Ashlyn since the boundary issue only happens with her.

I talked about this on Ashlyn's side on my Ashlyn analysis, now it's time for Aiden's side.

he's really annoying to her at first. Ashlyn is someone with lots of boundaries, like high walls. and who tries to climb them with his dumbass? Aiden of course.

she kept rejecting his efforts to befriend her for some time, until the night they stole the jeep. then she managed to actually bring the walls down, and accept them all into her life. but damn was she blunt.

felt that honestly

and Aiden understands her that night, too.

Ashlyn was hesistant to hug him, yes, he was aware. but she still did which made him realize she was also trying. i have to tell you, people with ADHD and people with autism either have trouble getting along, or go perfectly well. my ADHD sibling for example, I have to push them away for a lot and tell them to lower their voice. but once they remember my boundaries it actually becomes a normal, even pleasant hangout. which, Aiden realizes and tries to get along with. he tries.

seeing his efforts on her boundaries makes something click in her mind. and she starts to be a lot nicer when they hang out in the arcade.

Aiden eventually learns and remembers what she's like and what she loves to do. he already tried to watch her ballet sessions once -got slammed-, he's been to her room where he remembered the mat from and her fighting makes it obvious. I'm sure he knew he'd get cooked by betting that. but he still did,

because he knew it'd interest her. which he succeeded, he saw her smile again. the arcade day went great until Barron and his gang pulled up, but if we ignore that part it all went well. Aiden started to understand and respect her boundaries.

anyways then Tyler fucking dies

he knows that Ashlyn feels guilty. Aiden wants to comfort her through it, but also do it correctly. without going over any boundaries. which makes him really,

really,

really surprised when she responds.

also including this pannel cause its hilarious

here we see that he's still trying. hell, I'm sure he spent minutes thinking if he should come close physically to help her. that's probably why he just nudged her softly before anything else. he's not used to it, he has to conciously make an effort to not cross said boundaries. keeping his voice lower, try to not be so reckless, not doing anything physically close unless she reciprocates. wow how i wish another someone i knew irl tried that hard instead of blaming it on me cOUGH COUGH COUGH

also other small things to include

he's yapping a lot

he has a comically large amount of puzzles in his backpack for one single trip

and sticks his head into lamps for some reason

but that's just Aiden and his little neurodivergent brain for ya.

now the part I wanted to get to the most.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

first, what is Borderline Personality Disorder?

shortened as BPD, borderline is when someone's mood is inconsistent and swinging. think of it's name; the person's mental state is in the border, in the border line, switching up fastly. the most easily understood and common type is when the person goes from a depression to a happy state. but no matter which state they are in and/or go to, one thing stays the same: it is unstable.

one thing about borderline is that it is frequently mixed with bipolar. however bipolar is a neurodivengercy which means it is what someone is born with and cannot be changed. but borderline is obtained later in life. it usually happens with depression. bipolar is much more random and the episodes last longer in comparison. it may last up to hours, and the person's memory might have trouble remembering their episodes. borderline, on the other hand, is a short-lived mood swing.

now here. here's the catch; people with BPD during mood swings can have reckless behaviour, suicidal thoughts -in his case as far as we know, lowered sense of protecting himself- or a loss of understanding danger. sounds familiar?

borderline's recklessness and dangerousness, sometimes self-destructive acts combines with ADHD's love for thrill and excitement, combined with Aiden's own personality all make up for a great condition of instability.

Aiden's behaviour constantly goes crazy, I think his most frequent mood swing might be his normal self (at least, as normal as he could be) to this more maniac way of acting. I noticed it from his eyes, when he's in a more calm-ish normal state his pupils are a bit more dilated. in the pictures above, you can clearly see that he's still in the episode; filled with the adrenaline, the unstable way of thinking.

but, what causes that? surely a mental illness such as borderline doesn't happen on it's own.

right?

cause it didn't.

it never works that way.

but it can get better.

eventually.

but what happened to him?

personally, as much as a large amounnt of people seems to believe it's something like family abuse I don't think so. maybe neglect, maybe withdrawal, maybe maybe. but we've seen his parents. I don't think they would hurt him like that. I can't put any more pictures, but this is the last part anyway. his parents seem to be kind and gentle, despite that picture in his house. I'm thinking the picture was only for the dramatic effect. his parents said that he used to be really calm and quiet during Lily's birthday, and both Aiden and Ben seem comfortable around them. they were happy taking Ben in too, any kind of abusive parent wouldn't do that at least that's what I believe. also there is that Aiden got serious and concerned when he learnt that their parents were also in the facility, most likely worried for his own as you would have thought.

there was a post that I've been trying to find for like half an hour, I commented on it but I can't find the post now. the person talked about their own theory. if I remember correctly it was that when Aiden was depressive as a child, his parents took him to a thrilling activity like the ones he's been talking about (bungee-jumping, skydiving etc.) and the thrill made him actually get excited. which is why his parents allowed him to go even more reckless, because they are aware of how prone their son could be to the depression.

what happened? let's ignore the parents factor. someone can have a loving family and still be traumatized, someone can be taken care of and still feel abandoned, someone can never have confronted a situation they are terrified of.

one of my theories is that, the loneliness. it must get to a child heavily considering children need to not be left alone, but Aiden was. he didn't have any actual friends since they always moved from one place to another from his parents' business, and they might have not had enough time to make for him (which I believe is bullshitting, every child deserves to be taken some time out for. some people quit their jobs entirely for their child.) and be unaware, and that doesn't change that he was still depressed and alone. his depressive state was seemingly before Ben was taken in. now here one thing with borderline, at least from my experience, is faking actions. smiles, laughs, friendships, conversations... almost as if there's two different lives; one fake, and one real. you keep on switching, you keep on swinging between the sides where you're yourself and where you're just mimicking 'normal human behaviour'.

it starts from faking a happy state during their depression, and by time you're faking it it becomes an automatic adition to your personality. to your mind. once it furthers, it becomes the disorder. Aiden we see is always smiling. it becomes a habit that only breaks sometimes. now, I'm not saying his smile is fake- I think his face is literally just stuck like that. it breaks ever so slightly sometimes. fake it till ya make it yanno? that kind of thing. and when he swings from his calm mood to his borderline-d mood, his pupils get small and his smile gets worse. noticably worse. I'll be rereading the series (AGAIN) and this time look at all the small details since Red loves putting them and I love theorizing so

which, wraps up the Aiden thing! im actually really proud of how i could put my thoughts into text which i never could. i'd love any additions because i love other opinions as well.

and you know what? im glad Ash and Ai are out of the place because the rest are what I'm actually looking forward to >:)

...and i should sleep. really.

(wow sorry yall i finished this hours ago and said 'alright reread to make sure its good before sleep' and fell asleep through it lol sorry for 4 hour delay ig)

(leaving for school rn see yall 8 hours later 🫡)

#sbg #sbgblr #sbg (webtoon) #school bus graveyard #school bus graveyard webtoon #schoolbus graveyard #aiden clark #ashlyn banner #sbg aiden #sbg ashlyn

[ask-funnybunnydoll]

Hi!

I think I have to move on.

You may have noticed that all of a sudden my posts have become less and less frequent. That's not on purpose I simply don't have the motivation to keep this ask blog going. I made this blog at the peak of my TADC hyperfixation because I knew it would give me the boost to work. At the start I made like, what? 2 a day, wowzas! Then it became like every other day posts. It's not that I don't enjoy the blog, the ship, the asks. Hell, the asks were the best part of this, I love just seeing what you guys come up with for these three and I get to do the even more fun part of drawing the answer.

But I still have no motivation to keep this going. And I have fixated on something else if you follow my main.

So, thank you for being here and still liking my posts even if I hadn't posted often. This was the most fun I've had and being my first ask blog I ever created just makes it more important to me.

I probably won't ever revive this blog but I'll keep it open for you. And if you want to see what the story I originally planned out was gonna be then check below the cut! Or if you wanna stay curious and theorize then just scroll by. Thank you again, hope ya have a great day and year. I hope my shit was at least okay to you.

I'm not gonna lie. Most of the stuff was just created along the way of drawing. I was like, huh this would be cool let's add that in. And ofc I didn't get to any juicy lore in this but it would've been rushed because I didn't plan beforehand... which you probably could tell xd

For Pomni, here's the plot twist: she's dead and her conscience was updated into the game to keep her somewhat alive. She worked in the place that created the game, she even took part in putting people in there. The entire game was just an expirement to test if immortality was possible, but of course.. everyone goes insane in there so they have to keep on and keep on trying with more and more people to get anywhere. They wait until someone goes to edge of absolute insanity and that's when they take them out of the game, their bodies are still kept alive and they go back to normal. They forget everything that happened while in the game. For Pomni she died just after her conscience was converted to the game, for others they were forced to go while alive. Who killed Pomni? Well, her boss, the head of the experimentation. Why? Idk 😭

For Jax, I gave him a dark story. He was isolated in his home and kept away from the outside world, which is why he lacks empathy, because he simply doesn't know how to feel that way when he never really had knowledge of emotions outside or even inside his home. His father was emotionally and physically ab4sive so.. that didn't help. He latched onto his mother the most but they never saw eachother often. That's all I had for him in mind.

For Ragatha, she lived in the country on her own land with her husband. Yup! She had a husband and a daughter too. Husband was a total jerk and she couldn't leave because she didn't want their kid to experience separated parents. She's a doll in the game because it resembles the doll she made for her daughter.

I also had some plot that I made up in my mind. Like.... Pomni at the end would be the last one alone in the digital circus. That being since she's dead she would just be yknow. Dead if she left the game. Jax and Ragatha leave but only because Pomni forces them. Again don't know how, I probably would have made it up while I went along with the story. So, Pomni is just there alone, with Caine. And she lives like that for eternity. She doesn't go insane anymore and it isn't as lonely as it used to feel like. It would feel like home kind of. But she would be there, longing for her partners forever unless she decides one day to just. Yknow, die..

Also since Jax and Ragatha would forget everything after they leave the game, they just don't remember they were in a relationship and would live their lives like before. Sad and lonely.

Goodness, I forget I make the most sad stories ever sometimes 😭

#thank you #anyway who wants to go get angel food cake 😍😍

[ccswife]

Scoring Love

❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥

pairing๛: kate martin x bballplayer!reader

synopsis๛: playing basketball with your bestfriend has its perks.

warnings๛: angst if u squint? fluff!

requested by @rimunagenius <3

kinda proofread

❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥

listen to this while reading if u want :D

Laborious. thats the only way you could describe todays practice. coach bluder was in a particularly snotty mood, as she was very disappointed in the performance you guys put up game against rutgers yesterday . you lost count of the amount of full court suicides everyone has done so far. all you could think about was the cold shower you were gonna take after this was over. looking over at the clock on the score board, the time reads 8:17am— which means there's roughly thirteen minutes left of practice.

"Y/L/N!" coach bluder suddenly screams from across the court, clearly angry. "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY LOOKING AT THE CLOCK RIGHT NOW? WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THAT?!" bluders bone-chilling yell eco’s for what seems like eons. everyone turns to look at you, some with an empathetic look and others with annoyance as this definitely meant that the team was gonna run 5 more full court suicides.

“i- im sorry it was absent minded” you cringe on the inside after speaking up, knowing that a) she would just continue to yell about the time b) make you run more without saying anything more than a shake of the head or c) turn it into a lesson of basketball and strategy. it ended up being option c. bluder started to talk, sorry- yell about how everyone was too busy being absent minded on the court during lower competition games, and how every game is important no matter how much you win by and blah blah blah. you kinda tuned it out after she said the phrase “locked in” for the fifth time. it seemed that some of the other girls started to zone out as well, mostly the starters. the bench players didn’t dare to tune her on-going speech out, in fear of potentially being picked on extra since they dont play as much. which, kudos to them! they took it very seriously. that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t care, but you knew she wouldn’t consider taking you off the starting line-up unless you did something so unfathomably stupid. you meant too much. you, were the tape. and the tape needed glue.

practice finished at exactly 9:00am, bluder keeping you guys in the gym an extra thirty minutes. this actually wasn’t that bad, considering one time she was SO angry that she held you guys two extra hours. everyone hit the showers and got home as fast as they could, not wanting to stick around any longer then they already had. you ended up being one of the last to shower, though. you felt kind of guilty for practice, so you let some underclassman and bench players go in before you. that being said, it wasn’t just you who felt guilty. your best friend did too. kate martin, the one and only #20 let some girls go in-front of her too and ended up being the only one with you. but this was pretty usual— being together i mean. you two were peas in a pod, birds of a feather, partners in crime! it had been that way since forever.

sounds of running water and the opening/closing of bottles filled the echoey bathroom as you and kate showered (not together, reader. get ur mind out of the gutter). even though the silence was given due to the situation, you were content. sometimes the two of you didn’t need words to communicate, and just the silence did what you needed. kate cleared her throat,

“y/n? you’re there still right?” her voice soft and seemingly- worried? you’ve heard this tone before, right before she told you she failed a test you helped her study for. it was her ‘please dont be mad at me’ voice. “ yea im here still, whats up k? the last time you sounded like that is when you told me you failed the anatomy test.” you continued to suds up your hair, waiting for kate to reply.

“well soooo i have to ask you something,” she sounded completely different now, like she was about to get a new puppy. it was honestly quite adorable— but that sentence stopped you right in your tracks. ‘ask me something??’ multiple scenarios reeled through your mind before you could answer, and kate (growing impatient) spoke up again. “helllooooo? aw dont tell me you already got out” quickly you replied with enthusiasm, to cover up your worry for what was about to come out of her mouth. “ nono! what d’ya have to ask me? my ring size? because it’s a 6. but i dont think bluder would like me playing with a rock on my finger, just saying” kate snorted from her shower. you guys have joked about getting married for years now, and you even made a pact so that if you both aren’t married by thirty, you’ll marry eachother. after snickering to yourself, you shut off the shower and wrapped yourself up into a towel. kate continued to shower and took a beat before finally popping the question (marry me?). “i have this event i have to go to right? its a reunion type of thing with me and my teammates from highschool,”

“my teammates and i” you interjected. she hates when you correct her grammar.

“ yea yea whatever, so basically we all have an option of bringing a plus one and all of them are bringing their girlfriends and some boyfriends.” again you cut her off. “k are you asking me to be your pretend girlfriend?” you were genuinely freaking out, and thank the lord above you got out and got dressed before her because boy if she saw the look on your face….sheesh. kate shut the shower off and continued frantically. “no! not at all! i just dont wanna be the only person without a plus one, and who better to bring than my googly bear?” she laughed at her own joke and stepped out in fresh clothes, brushing her hair while walking towards you. you giggle at the nickname and blow a kiss at her. she catches it, and places in on her cheek. “ of course, my baby boo! what time is this event?” she shows a toothy smile, the one she always does around you and grabs your hand. she starts rubbing the palm of your hand and answers “ 7:00pm, my queen. i’ll pick you up at 6?” your lip curls as you slap her hand away. “we live together, you doofus” kate makes a surprised face and jumps up. “ no way?! seriously!? omg thats so fun! lets go home!!!”. you share a laugh before picking all your stuff up to go home to your shared apartment.

the rest of the day goes normally, running errands, eating, studying together and picking out clothes for this reunion thing. the clock strikes 5, and you start to get ready. kate said its semi-formal, so you pick out a gray babydoll dress, with wedges that weren’t too tall. they made you taller, obviously, but not too tall were you were above kates height. she likes that you’re shorter than her, says that it boost her ego. anyways, you curl your hair and put on a natural layer of makeup— natural enough where it wasn’t too heavy but not were you couldn’t tell you were wearing anything. spraying some perfume, and taking a handbag from your closet, you check the clock and head out to the living room. kate is sitting on the couch on her phone, in a black blazer and pants, with a white crop underneath it. shes manspreading and good god does she look good. before you walked all the way in, you stood there and gawked for a second. breathing a little too loud, kate looks up and notices you standing there. now its her turn to gawk, because ohhhh the things she could say to you right now. it almost brought her down to one knee.

she gets up and makes her way over to you. “y/n,” she places a hand on your waist, pulling you just a little closer. the two of you lock eyes and she smirks. “you look so beautiful, im serious” her smile only widens as you blush. “ ohh stopppp” you lean your head against her shoulder, grabbing her bicep and giggle, slightly lifting your leg up. kate steps back and admires you some more while you look around. she admires how the wedges you wear perfectly accentuate the muscles in your legs from years of basketball and hard work, how your makeup perfectly compliments all of your features, and how the curls in your hair frame your face so gorgeously. she seriously could kiss you right now, hell— she had to stop herself from smothering you when she grabbed your waist. checking the time again, you realize its six, and you usher kate out to the car so you can beat traffic. when you arrive, you see some of kates old teammates and their partners standing at the front, waiting for everyone to arrive. you all make your greetings, and kate introduces you to everyone.

upon going in, you find that one of the girls made a reservation and you were immediately sat down. kate lets you slide in first, and slides in next to you, making sure your leg is touching hers. conversation continues, all talking about how their college experience was and how jobs are, etc. etc. eventually appetizers were ordered and one of the girls, anna, asks all of the couples how they are. when anna gets to you two, she says “ and you two? are you a couple?” she had the sweetest smile on her face as she asked. before you could answer, kate blurts out “yes! we are”

you immediately kick her leg under the table, keeping a smile on your face. anna continued around the table and crinkle your nose at kate. in a low whisper, you say in her ear “ i thought i wasn’t going to be your pretend girlfriend, martin” she side eyes you but is unable to answer as another girl asks her a question about basketball. quickly, you stand up and excuse yourself to the restroom. shortly after you go in, a knock is heard on the door. its kate, of course.

“y/n please open it, i need to talk to you,” you stand there for a second before she speaks through the door again. “you’re not seriously angry right? i didn’t mean to say that i swear, it just came out.” you let out a loud sigh before unlocking the door, letting her in and locking it again— just incase. kate looks at you and starts to explain. “ i dont know why i said that and im soooo sorry. i guess i felt pressured to have a girlfriend so i just said it was you. i know i told you you wouldn’t be my pretend girlfriend and i meant that, but this was not supposed to happen” you stare back at her, thinking of what to say. were you angry? sure, a little. but your real problem was that she wasn’t your actual girlfriend, and that she acted like one and hell! even called you her girlfriend but shes too pussy to actually ask you to be official! i mean seriously. you guys constantly joke about dating and getting married, and you guys act so coupley, how has she not gotten the hint? finally , you decide to speak up. “are you that oblivious kate? do you really not know why im actually mad?” she stares at you with a “idk” look amd shrugs her shoulders, sticking her tongue into the side of her mouth as she thinks. “ im mad because— because! you act like my girlfriend and we even make jokes about dating and shit, and you still dont see how i feel about you! i love you kate!! and not platonically like we’ve been saying it for all these years!” tears start to stream down your face, this conversation being long awaited by you. “i just, cant understand why you wont make it official! unless i’ve completely read you wrong, which im sure i didn’t because i know you like the back of my hand, i think the feelings are requited!” now the tears are really coming down. you lean against the sink and put your face in your hands, trying to hide and wipe the tears off your wet cheeks. kate stands still before lifting your head up. now you see shes crying, too. “of course i love you more than platonically, y/n. i’ve never loved someone so much, and if i could marry you right now i would. i just didn’t know if you loved me back. you know how i get in my head. and i couldn’t go to you to help me because then i’d have to tell you everything.” now shes cupping your cheek in her hand, and the two of you are staring into each other’s glistening eyes. again, she puts her hand on your waist and smiles. “ y/n , please please please accept my apology…” she takes a pregnant pause before continuing, your eyebrows raise in curiosity. “ and…. will you, officially, be mine?” you laugh, and more tears come out. grasping her arms, you whisper-cry “yes, yes of course kate” she pulls you in closer and kisses you, hard and passionately. nothings ever felt so good before. it may seem cliche, but sparks flew in that tiny restaurant bathroom.

kate pulls away and kisses you on the forehead. “ im gonna go tell them we have to take a rain-check, the you’re not feeling well, alright love?” shes never looked so beautiful than when shes calling you love and actually means it.

“of course, my googly bear” you smile sweetly at her, and she pulls you in for one more kiss before going out to tell the other girls that you’re leaving. you slide against the wall a little bit, and touch your lips.

gosh, you really scored at love, didn’t you?

❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥❥

A/N q(❂‿❂)p : AHHHHH!!!!!! I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE HEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEE! rimunagenius i hope you like this i tried my best with the request you gave! i know its not rlly that basketbally lmao 😔myb. im actually lowkey proud of myself guys 😌👊. let me know what you guys think! also send more requests for other people (and kate too but other people as well lollll). thats it. googbye hamsters in my phone <3. TOODLES

#Spotify #iowa wbb #wbb #kate martin #wlw #kate martin x reader #x reader #i love kate martin #kate martin in a crop top #kate martin is so sexy omfg #lesbooooo

[thursdayinspace]

Mulder in "Little Green Men" (s2ep1). He's so lonely. What's interesting to me is the contrast to Mulder from the pilot and Mulder here. We got an idea in the pilot of how lonely he must be, but he had been on his own for a while and that was his default. Seeing him at the beginning of s2 is heartbreaking. At the begining of s1 he was so used to being alone. But now . . . Of course the fact that the x files have been closed is getting to him, but it also becomes so obvious how much he has come to rely and depend on having Scully around, on working with someone. With her.

Their meeting in the parking garage -- he feels like he has lost his purpose, even doubts his memories and his experiences, he feels like everything they've been through hasn't been worth it because they've accomplished nothing. We don't know how or if he would have managed to surface from that eventually on his own. Most likely he would have. But it might have taken him a long time. It's Scully who doesn't let him give up: "During your time with the X-Files, you've seen so much." / "Even if George Hale only saw elves in his mind, the telescope still got built. Don't give up. And next time we meet out in the open." (Which becomes a recurring theme over the years, all the way up to the revival. But that would deserve its own post.) (The way she touches his hair before she leaves though. <3)

What kills me in this episode is Mulder recording his tape for Scully in Puerto Rico: "Deep Throat said "Trust no one." And that's hard, Scully, suspecting everyone, everything. It wears you down. You even begin to doubt what you know is the truth. Before, I could only trust myself. Now, I can only trust you, and they've taken you away from me." I mean, compare that to pilot Mulder? Not trusting anyone was what he did. That was Mulder. He may or may not have been showing off a little bit for Scully, but he seemed to have made quite a home for himself in his lone wolf existence (out of necessity). He can't do that anymore. He needs something to hold onto. And he had that in his partnership with Scully.

Also. THEY'VE TAKEN YOU AWAY FROM ME. Can we take a second to appreciate what that means? He knows she would not have chosen to leave. He believes that. He trusts her absolutely. She's become a lifeline for him. Put that together with his quote from the end of the episode: "I may not have the X-Files, Scully, but I still have my work. And I’ve still got you. And I still have myself." The order of those statements seems important: He thought he had lost his purpose in the beginning of this episode. He wasn't even sure whether or not he still believed in it. Now he has motivation again.

And he has Scully. She stuck around, not just because of the work. When he was at his lowest, she arranged secret meetings for them, told him not to give up, even followed him all the way to Puerto Rico. He doesn't believe she'd have chosen to leave if the x files hadn't been closed, but I don't think he was sure she'd stick around forever without a reason. But she's relentless in her loyalty and friendship -- a trait he recognizes because it's one they share. He will never choose to leave her, and is allowing himself to trust that she's still there because she wants to be.

Finally, he's also got himself. Among all the things he'd lost at the beginning of the episode, the biggest loss was himself. But he was mourning everything except that. Those "good riddance @ former me" vibes were strong at the beginning of the episode -- and of course they were a form of grief. But it almost feels like he wanted to punish himself, blame himself for everything that went wrong. (That is also something we keep seeing. The show has amazing continuity with things like that. Things get to him. He takes failure really hard. He's not gentle with himself.) So this is the culmination of the previous two points: he has his purpose back, and he has someone who cares about him, who has his back, someone he loves (and I am going to use that term here even if it's debatable how aware they are of their feelings at this point; there are so many forms of love, and I think it's not up to debate that they love each other in some way, possibly even a way they may not even know about yet).

It's such a strong episode for him, and I love all the ways it mirrors the pilot and contrasts the Mulder from back then with the Mulder a year later. So much has happened, and neither he nor Scully are the same people they were, and that's life. It's so well done.

#txf #the x files #fox mulder #it has flaws but overall I love it #I mean he could have had a small moment of surprise #when she suddenly showed up in fucking PUERTO RICO #that's not exacly walking distance #but otoh it's kind of funny that he's just like OH HI SCULLY ALIENS ARE REAL!!! #thursday's x-files rewatch

[lazyveran]

Oh lazyveran the fire squad is HORRENDOUS!!!! I love it. Please, elaborate on Azula's particular role in and thoughts on this awful little smorgasboard. Does she feel conflicted about how Katara is changing the dynamics? Dies she even register anything changing? Whats her relationship like with Zuko in this au. What does a day in the life of the squad look like and what does it look like to Katara, who isnt steeped in decades of intricate rituals. Please 

genuinely gives me such joy to make them so awful. terribly terribly nepo babies that will ruin ur life. long rambles below cut hehe

SO! azula is. well she doesnt think there's much wrong with it. i mean, on an intellectual, psycho-analysis level she knows ty lee is a insane, mai is also insane and her brother is [redacted]. but ultimately she doesnt see anything wrong with any of their dynamics because she has LITERALLY no one else as reference. the insane social isolation azula went thru as a child soldier and ozai's fav little nuclear bomb means its difficult for her to parse out toxic or harmful relationships she may have and ultimately, use and utility comes first in any relationship. the fire squad are simultaneously her most trusted confidants, her closest companions, people she'd entrust with her life and legacy and the weight of her father's, and later iroh's, missions to AND assets to be used, strings to be pulled, and loose ends to be monitored. plus she wants to gossip with them. shes the princess, it's her agni given right to bitch and moan abt the peasants!

azula's mindset is all layers of fucked, basically. im aiming for a vibe in which azula herself has no idea how she really approaches and feels for her friends. its emotionally complicated, azula is horrendeous at understanding that kinda thing. the fact that she's so hyperaware of her position as royalty means she locks herself desperately into that role and doesn't allow herself to go beyond it. that implies a distance between her friends she halfheartedly attempts to keep. but the bottom line is that she's insanely loyal because they invest that back into her. azula's a woman who values devotion above all else. she's desperate for it. You Have To Stay. Everyone Else She Loved Has Left Her. STAY. FOREVER. to do so will be to assist and witness her eternal glory and the shining legacy she will deliver to the nation. she will elevate them to the greatest heights, reward their loyalty tenfold!!! JUST STAY. DONT LEAVE HER. NOT LIKE THE DEAD ONES AND THE GONE ONES-

(also, azula is narrow minded in a sense. she understands people implicitly but believes her own personal goals are the Ultimate Ones. everyone wants power, glory, legacy and the love of a nation. they have to, right? why else would she strive to achieve them, if it's not the perfect pinnacle of all human endeavour? she wants to reward her most trusted friends with what she percieves is the ultimate prize in life, so does so from this weird half distance as a princess. shes really weird. her love language is probably acts of service (and all she knows how to do is kill))

azula and katara's relationship is awfully complicated. for a start, azula presumes domination within the relationship. it's sort of something azula just. takes for herself. as her nature, and because katara isnt initially someone she wants to dig her claws in to force them to Stay. she fully expects that she will simply have some new woman near her sometimes and she'll get on with Important Work with the besties. then katara KICKS HER ASS, FORCES her to look and see katara as someone equal, someone worth respecting and listening to. ultimately she does come to respect katara, and that unknowingly starts to change her. as in, azula gets bullied into it. repeatedly. and getting frostbite that one time. and in her draw towards katara, azula begins drifting from the (not at all realised) dependency on her squad and more towards katara. because she has an equal! and thats!!! azula never really thought she'd HAVE one! katara is her WIFE, there's no presumed distance to keep!!!!! so she gets super duper obssessed with that. she wants to eat katara alive, she's enraptured by this woman.

so.. the worst siblings ever... zuko and azula were alone in the palace with only each other for years after ursa's disappearance and azulon's death. it made them so tremendously dependant on each other. azula believes that her brother is the one thing she can protect, wants to save, is her final piece of family and something good and there's no one else, NO ONE else. HE HAS TO STAY. it's very intense. the fire siblings trust each other implicitly and convince themselves that they're going to be stabbed in the back by each other. they're tied together in blood and want to kill each other and constantly butt heads and argue and contradict each other. and they're the united front of the last of ozai's line. the only ones who understand what it was to be a child of ozai and ursa. azula wants to bite zuko's head off and zuko constantly wonders if azula has been sent by a dark spirit to bring endless suffering to his life. true terrible siblings that would raze a country to the ground for the other, then slide a dagger into their back while they watch it burn.

their day to day life is a little boring, really. ty lee flits in and out of the palace on whims. if court is fun, she'll go. if there's a gala, she's there. if its boring? she'll leave to some FN island for a month and a half making connections, meeting nobles, being entertained, probably picking up a WEIRD hobby and/or romantic partner for a week. she sends a bajillion letters back abt her travels - that azula diligently reads and that mai dgaf abt and gets the synopsis off of azula. then ty lee returns, and rinse and repeat.

mai is officially a political advisor, representative of her father and close confidant of the princess-general azula. in reality, she fucks around the palace pursuing whatever she wishes, and conducts a very very terribly obvious affair with zuko that half the goddamn nation knows about. she's happy coasting along, dipping her hand into politics and national affairs every now and then to keep up apperances, and acting as a spy for azula when she wants to. they have a nice little setup.

azula is quite literally busy from sun up to sun down. she's got one billion projects constantly; ranging from political, scholarly, artistic, so on. she manages her own little spy network, she manages half the nobles in court, she micromanages the nation's finances. she's so insanely busy, and thats how she likes it. she always has time for tea with mai and training with zuko somehow. and zuko is much the same. he's never alone in a room, and always has a pile of work to get through. as the crown prince he's heavily involved in all flavours of meetings and consultations. he usually leaves the noble shmoozing to azula, though. he hates them.

they all work together pretty cohesively, since they were born and raised into these roles of nobility. katara was. not. katara absolutely, desperately DESPISES the fn royal court. no one tells her fucking ANYTHING about the tiny intricate sublties. its all very ridiculous to her. the stubborn, proffessional distance everyone keeps with each other is the worst of it for katara, who grew up in a very loving community that has no issues about physical or emotional intimacy. it's terribly lonely. she's stubborn enough to keep bashing her head against the wall trying to work her way through it, bc she refuses to be excluded from the halls of power of her new life. she's also kind of upset that despite being married to azula, she rarely ever SEES her, hardly gets the chance to know her (and connect with the one person she's allowed to have in the endlessly lonely palace halls). azula is simply so absorbed into her duties (and avoiding katara) that they only glimpse each other in their shared quarters. to katara's irritation and mai's distaste, those two seem to be the only people who see each other regularly. its really not a fun time for katara. she stumbles and makes mistakes and it's only then she ever gets to see her wife - and it's always azula's ire that she gets to recieve. toxic yuri.....

SO. thank you for asking abt this. i hope my complete word vomit makes a lick of sense. i adore talking about this au. peace and love on planet azutara

#starrdio #political marriage au #azutara #ask #btw when you ask me a bunch of questions abt this au i jump up and down and go yipeee!!

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

sits up in bed. so lana and ema definitely thought they were responsible for edgeworth "choosing death", right?

(the rest of this post was supposed to go in the tags, because it's not very well organised or written, but it got too long so. here are the slightly edited tags for your reading pleasure (or otherwise)):

i was going to make this solely about ema because she's the obvious one with her open adoration of edgeworth, but the thing about rfta is that it goes to great lengths to emphasise the connection between lana and edgeworth as well.

the sl-9 incident showed that lana grows attached to people deeply, hence angel starr's comment on how, when neil marshall died, 'she (lana) felt like her own brother had died.' with edgeworth, i think it was similar but worse. because he's not just a coworker or subordinate who's dear to her. he saved her life. and it cost him his own.

at the beginning of the case, edgeworth says he was mistaken for thinking that lana was always looking out for him post sl-9 (a statement interesting on its own because that's when everyone else says she grew distant), and, later on, he brings ema fingerprinting powder because lana asked him to. then, of course, there's the 'lady luck' comment he makes.

similarly, on lana's side, you obviously have the end of the trial when she says he did well, but there's also that additional moment post-trial where she's the only one to notice — in a group comprising her, ema, phoenix and gumshoe — that he's 'hiding', listening to their conversation. point is, there's enough to suggest that she might have been the nearest thing edgeworth had to a mia; his 'chief prosecutor' to phoenix's plain 'chief'. they're as close as two people can be in a relationship where one of them is constantly lying and the other is von karma's star pupil.

rfta is pretty straightforwardly depicted as the case which solidified edgeworth's resolve to do what he did; i don't think i have to prove that. rumours about him have reached new heights, his car and knife were involved in goodman's murder, he makes an unprecedented mistake in court by failing to connect the evidence room and carpark incidents, thus forcing the chief of police to enter the trial to do so himself, and he's publicly revealed to have relied on falsified evidence to secure a conviction in the sl-9 case, all of which only happened because of lana. jake marshall even claims that from the beginning — that if you trace edgeworth's rumours back to their source, you end up meeting one person: lana skye.

and it gets worse because at the end of rfta, she thinks he's fine!! she literally says, 'i was afraid the pressure would break you, but you rose above it,' and reminds him he's nothing like gant because he's not alone. she leaves the case thinking he will be okay. and then, what, like a week passes, and she finds out that he wasn't, and that he's gone, and it's her fault. even after she was freed from gant's control, even after she had finally stopped lying, she couldn't prevent herself from claiming another life. so much for 'lady luck', i suppose.

and the game reiterates this multiple times. gumshoe states at the start that edgeworth's ties to those higher up in the department have made him the subject of constant rumours, and phoenix says (in front of ema) that he shouldn't be held responsible for the forged evidence because that was all lana's doing, which then leads to edgeworth commenting (again in front of ema) that he feels as though 'something inside him has died.' it all goes back to lana. we can argue and say that it was technically gant's doing that caused all of this, but lana still took actions that led to it. even her complicated friendship with edgeworth isn't spared; it's that closeness between them that exacerbated those rumours. how could she not feel responsible in some way?

and with ema, it's rather obvious, isn't it? if she hadn't gone poking her nose into things, none of this would have happened or come to light. and, of course, she'd never choose anyone over her sister, not for anything in the world — it's simply not a question, but that's the problem, isn't it? it's not a question. it's not some hypothetical moral dilemma. it just is. she may not have killed neil marshall, but she still has one king of prosecutor's blood on her hands. and now she has to live with that. she just. has. to live with it. no matter if he chose otherwise.

moving on from that a little, i think it's actually wild how much of ema's journey to becoming a forensics investigator is paved with bad memories. neil marshall's death and her subsequent inability to testify are what drives her to begin pursuing it, her first proper investigation results in her idol's "death" and when she finally graduates, the person who saved her sister has been disbarred, and she can't even help because she isn't allowed to. all that pain and constant pursuit of her goals, and she's still the same ema skye, still that girl shrouded in darkness, always one step behind the truth, one step a little too late. no wonder she was angry in aa:aj. i would be furious.

#and then like a year later they find out edgeworth's fine and if that happened to me i think i would kill him fr #WKSHDKAHDKS #lana skye #ema skye #miles edgeworth #the skye sisters' relationship with one dramatic depressed prosecutor is something that can be so personal... #ive literally never thought this much about lana or ema ever. they never occupy my thoughts but somehow. #everyone else: man edgeworth's vanishing must have had a real impact on franziska and phoenix. me: what about these 2 side characters who #technically only appeared once in the whole trilogy. in a dlc. what about them. #it's actually so interesting how much lana is set up to be important to edgeworth. phoenix even says she reminds him of mia and when i #first read that i was like ??? bc of the scarf? there's more to mia than a scard phoenix. but then you pay attention to how she interacts #with edgeworth and it's like oh. i see it now. and then she disappears forever. #mind you i dont think she or ema were like. destroyed by the news of edgeworth's supposed passing. not in the way phoenix was anyway. #for better or worse both lana and ema are shown to have a tight hold over themselves emotionally speaking. lana keeps a lid on them for #years and ema is told she might have killed neil by accident and is functional after a brief faint and recess. like those women are strong. #but i do think it would have had a deep impact regardless of how well they were able to cope. like i've said i dont see how it wouldnt. #anyway this concludes my rfta moment. time to go back to being unable to say a thing about susato-san even though she occupies my every #waking moment. if you read all this ily <3 #it's also past midnight so if this is all a bit everywhere im sorry

[wild-at-mind]

I feel like tags like these were inevitable on the post about people traumatising themselves for the greater good or w/e... There is SO much emphasis on posting on tumblr and other social media being so important and so useful and we must never stop. But I would like to counterargue with the idea that posting on social media (especially tumblr) constantly does very little/nothing. If that was true then the point here becomes meaningless.

#i guess i must be broken according to this person because i don't seem to feel emotions the way they feel helps palestine #activists in palestine are also calling for a general strike where no one goes to work and that has yet to materialise in a meaningful way #because people keep watering it down by saying 'oh it's ok just post constantly/about nothing else than palestine on social media' #yeah awesome great- look i'm sure there are people in palestine saying get the word out about our suffering etc #but they are also calling for more meaningful symbolic gestures like strikes which as far as I know no western country has delivered #because that would take a lot of organising and much less guilt tripping and people spending all their time posting #and comfort always comes up- comfort and discomfort- what even is comfort? #is feeling ok in your own mind an insult to palestine? #are there people losing everything in wars feeling better because someone in the west feels really really bad about their pain? #like sorry to be facetious but what on earth does any of this rhetoric accomplish #i spent years thinking like this and it made me so sick and now i'm better i am DONE with it- i cannot go back to this thinking #i can only live if i bend away from this kind of thinking like a plant to light- and i want to help others but people just won't stop #please- post on social media if you like. it doesn't help anyone to view the depths of their pain and feel bad #it is better to look towards hope a ceasefire and a resolution and end to the killing of palestinians for good #that can happen!!! #i think avoiding misinformation and dehumanising rhetoric about either side is also very important #i fully believe you can only understand geopolitics and war if you see everyone as human

[ballisterboldheart]

couldn't stand the thought of missing out on the rest of our life together.

#why r u mad bc jarmen clowns keep winning ? #cobrakaiedit #cobra kai #carmen diaz #johnny lawrence #s.gif #changed my mind jarmen isnt underdeveloped you're all just haters #because okay listen <- things said before writing a wall of text #johnny's arc w carmen is ALL abt him taking responsibility. he's a man who has run away from literally Everything in the past 30 years. #he's run away from ck/his past w kreese he's run away from his son he's literally on the outskirts of society. #he doesn't. he doesn't CARE enough abt anything to stick w it when it gets hard. #and everyone lets him. no one makes him accountable. #but. for the first time. w miguel. he doesn't want to run away from something. #and i think its so important the carmen and johnny's first Real interaction is when johnny is carrying miguel #home after he got his ass beat. #he's taking that responsibility/that punishment for having failed. #and yeah. he spirals afterwards. self flagellates. and then drags his ass back and promises to be Better. #and he is! he does NOT give up he does not run away ever again #hs fight happens carmen says she never wants to see him again but johnny doesnt take that as a sign to Go Away #instead he helps out however he can while still respecting that boundary #and just ughhhhhhhh that fucking. ''i'll do whatever it takes / i know you would'' exchanges is like. the best way to sum it up #it takes a While for johnny to earn that trust. but he does. #anyways. normal. #long post

[palms-upturned]

.

#meg talks #suicide tw #nearly everyone i care abt rn is like so very suicidal rn and it’s making me. ghghfh #(IMPORTANT NOTE this is not me saying ‘’don’t talk to me abt suicide rn’’ i do not ever mind talking abt it ever ever #i am not ranting rn about not being able to handle the subject or complaining abt ppl talking to me abt it that’s not what this is i prommy) #im just. the realization that there are ppl who go their whole lives without ever thinking that much abt suicide #and then there’s those of who are disabled and/or queer and for us it’s just. a constant #for ourselves for our loved ones for ppl on the periphery of our circles like everyone we brush shoulders with #the amount of time we have to spend talking ourselves and others into just staying a while longer #bc it’s so fucking hard to conceptualize a future for ourselves for so many reasons #and even harder to make that future viable bc it depends on other people helping us #it just makes me want to fucking. idk! break something! #like how do you make people understand this if they’ve never been through it #and how do you convince them that it’s worth it to try and understand where we’re coming from #when their default way of thinking abt it is that you only get to this point if u do smth wrong or just don’t try hard enough #or are some kind of moocher trying to exploit ppl who ‘’work harder’’ #i fucking hate this so much #i just keep thinking about engels’ explanation of social murder #and getting so angry i feel fucking ill #people are fucking killing my friends and it’s like all i can do is like… #try my best to plug whatever wounds i can manage meanwhile the killer is still fucking stabbing them over and over #anyway. god. again none of this is to say i don’t wanna hear abt suicide or anything #i like to know and be able to talk abt it frankly #especially if there’s even the smallest thing i can do to help #im just like. suddenly hit w the disbelief of how many ppl go their whole lives without having these conversations #while me and my friends are having them multiple times a day bc it’s so fucking bad out here #insert disco elysium quote about the mask of humanity falling from capital as it kills your sweet courageous friends here i guess. #i just. wish things were better. how can people not wish that

[sunnys-sonnets]

Is there any outfit you like Atreus to be drawn in and or how you mostly imagine him in your fics, what clothes and what attire?

Not the question you asked but I think I do actually like his canon start clothing the best. While the metal armor is practical and elegant in its own way, I like softer vibes. The gentle colors on him and how the fabrics look worn and loved and stitched over and over are so nice. As for what I like seeing Atreus drawn in? I don't know. Maybe nothing 😂 Maybe seeing him in his canon-type clothing more often would be cool- but then I think of all the cute ideas we keep seeing like Modern AU stuff like fun, colorful sweaters and shorts. Even if I don't particularly lean towards Modern AU stuff, it's always nice to see the variety. Or loose fabrics that he's been draped in are so nice and it's fun to see his freckles 🤭

Depends on the fics. Mischief and Foresight has him in his canon gear for the most part. A Hint of Magic is very much up to the imagination because of the vague descriptions given, though his newer outfits do come from the cloths Heimdall gives him. Any fics that take place in the canon universe I picture him in canon gear. In Your Toy, the Modern AU, I imagine colorful big sweaters in the cooler weather to show off his fun and more childish side, and regular jean-like shorts(blue or green) and still colorful baggy shirts slightly tucked in to whatever shorts or pants he's wearing. And maybe stuff he'd borrow from friends or Heimdall to play with.

#Big question here and I probably could go into depth on some fics but it'd be just me going over how I think his canon gear can look #Like in Mischief and Foresight #Atreus is in canon gear yeah but then they're there in the Snow Glode thing for a very long time! and he's then pregnant and eventually #it is showing so that would mean he can't wear his typical gear and tends to stick to being comfortable and can wear less even if it's #considered indecent because he's literally with the person that got him pregnant so decency isn't that important #So he might eventually wear a spare shirt Heimdall has if Atreus outgrows his usual stuff to get by #just a plain tunic and no armor since he can't wear it anyways and maybe blankets on top to keep warm #But it also just depends on reader imagination since I doubt fully describing an outfit is what everyone wanted when compared to plot #The fic with the most reader interpretation on Atreus's clothes has got to be A Hint of Magic because I don't think I describe anything #I leave everyone fend for themselves and think! And picture little cute Fairy Atreus in fabrics or nature stuff #Sometimes he did have pants in my mind though #like green and vaguely leaf-like #Though most times he's just wearing stuff Heimdall gave after Heimdall gives him stuff #Fabrics that he my have stitched into something new and stylish with Angrboda or maybe he just wraps it around himself #very much up to the reader #I could probably even point out what fanarts I may have vaguely pictured for some fics #Sorry this this BRICK #I'm all sleepy so I hope I make sense! #heimtreus #sunny's answers

[spending-life-pretending]

every day I wake up and it’s just like. gideon nav is still in love with harrowhark and she still can’t admit it out loud. but also she’s confessed it a hundred times.

#me #the locked tomb #griddlehark #gideon the ninth #like I am always thinking about all the different ways it’s been made clear to the reader #the way it’s clear that it’s clear to gideon and she has accepted it as just another fact of life #but she doesn’t believe harrow will ever love her back #(bc in the same scene where gideon accepts her love for harrow harrow confesses about Alecto and the tomb) #(so gideon is All In from the beginning but also she’s heartbroken immediately and she just decides to take those 2 realities together) #and all of her suppression of her feelings after gtn isn’t actual suppression of the FEELINGS; #it’s just a refusal to let harrow and the others see it in plain text on the page #bc she thinks it’s useless and she’s got some dignity left this way and she might as well keep it; #everyone knows already and there’s no point to saying it so why say it at all? #ahhhhhhhhhh #and so every time it comes up in her narration she just sidesteps with like ‘but that wasn’t important’ to refocus on a direct threat #idk it just makes me lose my mind that she isn’t in DENIAL #but also she never says it out loud #because what would be the fucking point?? #so instead she just devotes her life and her afterlife to harrow good GOD she makes me insane #crossover event where gideon nav meets luke sunborn challenge #cause my babygirl has BIG #‘and I thought-I thought…And then I never thought about it again. #what was the point? I couldn’t have you’ energy #anyway #I’m normal

[utilitycaster]

I know I complain about lots of little quirks of tumblr culture but truly when people are like "ha I misread this as <thing that makes literally no sense in context>" in the replies/reblogs it's like, ok, but by making this post you indicated that you've figured it out so why are you taking me, unwilling, on your brief and uninteresting journey.

#someone once saw me abbreviate the nein as M9 and was like is this about the british roadway. sir i think it is obvious it's not. #i think it is important to keep in mind that you are rarely as funny in a reply or reblog as you think you are #also as someone who has had several posts breach containment lately it's SO repetitive. the joke wasn't terribly good the first time #when i've seen it twelve times i'm like ok everyone out.

[tremerechantry]

You identify with Patrick Bateman because "sigma male manipulator emotionless masculinity based schizo murderer", I identify with Patrick Bateman because of his fundamental lack of self esteem--the fact that he feels so empty inside that he has to turn to absolutely disgusting competitive materialism in an effort to maintain any sense of self worth. His clothes, his furniture, his belongings, the music he listens to, the food he eats, the shows he sees, the politics he'll pay only basic lip service to and then contradict three sentences later, the women he fucks, his career, his degree... these are the only things that he has in terms of an identity, and he reacts absolutely violently to anyone that threatens that. He kills Paul Owens because he threatens Patrick's sense of status. Patrick kills gay men who threaten his masculinity. The ex-girlfriend who threatens his image as a perfect specimen. Prostitutes and the homeless, because his ability to kill them and get away with it bolsters his own sense of wealth and status.

And he thinks of himself as a killer because killing is something he alone in his circle supposedly does. He continuously pushes the envelope, committing increasingly more horrific and blatant murders, because this is something he can be noticed for. He begins viewing his own reality as if he were watching a movie... filling up the emptiness inside him with delusions of grandeur. And if anyone around him could actually notice the murders, he would gain some sense of recognition, but no one does. Even if they actually do happen in the novel, the only person that actually remarks on them is Patrick himself. Even if the outside world pays absolutely no attention to what Patrick is capable of, he knows what he is on the inside.

But inside doesn't matter.

So we're not the same. And I think you're pretty stupid.

#Notable also that the only people he seems not to kill whatsoever are those in love with him. thus boosting his self esteem #I'm... such a Patrick Bateman as an artist truther #like... the murders are his artistic output #he is otherwise a completely generic person who means nothing. but he genuinely takes solace in his identity as this 'artist' #but I think in the course of the novel it's revealed that MUCH LIKE ME most of his artistic output happens in his mind #so it doesn't matter you know? Inside doesn't matter. Patrick has all these ideas and fantasies and creativity inside him #and none of it is real until he actually puts it out into the real world. which he fails to #and inside doesnt matter. inside doesnt matter. the novel is just his process of giving up on himself as an artist and resigning himself #to the fact that HE IS NOTHING #he has absolutely no worth because the one thing he prides himself on is not actually being seen by anyone else...... #like he is just like me for real. the continuous rambling about things you're an 'expert' on #that are blatantly false or misunderstood because you are stupid really #but you can't accept that because the idea of being a person that Knows Things About This is too important to your self worth #because the only way you can respect yourself is if everyone sees all the great things you have on the outside. #got to make it clear on the outside. because inside youre hollow and there's nothing actually good there. #so your degree your grades your weight your looks your intelligence your trivia knowledge your artistic output your ability to just #KEEP MAKING THINGS ALL THE TIME #how much you can make people laugh. how well read you are (you arent really) how good your taste in music is #this is what matters and you need this to be noticed by other people all the time because inside you arent anything really #but its okay if inside doesnt matter. youre not fucking pretty on the inside

[trainingdummyrabbit]

see the thing that i like so much about ruina so far is that it doesnt feel like its telling you to do something. like, specifically, it presents characters in situations, and reveals how they handle it. and afterwards... its just over. theyve simply done what they had to. theres never really any "ah, they were Flawed because they did This, so instead of doing That you should take This lesson from it." characters just... Are, and Do. theres no heavy urge to chamge the way you think, for lack of a better description. rather, it places down concepts and leaves it there, giving space for Thought rather than Explanation.

even with cut ins of angela and roland doing their own commentary-- it's never really presented as a You Should Take This Concept From This, but rather as... them Also figuring it out. because Everyone in the cast is just... odd, messy, flawed-- human. you can take away the same thing they do, or not. because everyone just does what they think is right, and deal with the consequences of it. it doesnt matter. things just move on. theres something refreshing about it.

#piktalk #verrry tagramble but um #like um. grain of salt because i havent Finished and havent had time to gather actual thoughts abt it so i may just be wrong-- #but again. ruina with the steel chair. #not 2 get personal again but that has just kind of been on my mind a lot recently-- #how often it is that other opinions simply... rub off on you. how theres just what youre Supposed to do or think. #that theres just one True way of thinking that everyone should strive for. when thats just... not how that really goes. #that theres a Right way to think and a Wrong one. when really its just kinda... choices. made to the best of ones ability in the moment. #it doesnt Have to be Good or Right. life goes on anyway. and somehow that can be just as scary as some sort of percieved 'wrong'. #and additionally-- how easy it is to Say you should act or think a certain way-- when truly understanding; believing; following it-- #--is an entirely different story. its easy to tell yourself to just not worry; to have patience and kindness; to just keep your head high. #but actually enacting it takes effort. and not just that; but that those dour emotions that come with that inability-- #--are just as important to acknowledge and give their space. #idk. i could be bullshitting. ig what it comes down to is #its nice to watch characters just... Make Decisions and Deal With Them. and thats it. no grand sweeping statements of Certainty. it just Is #ruina is very much one of those series i feel unqualified to speak for; as if others just Get It more than me; but... i speak anyhow !

[pepprs]

crying again lol ok

#purrs #and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking #damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I #miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out #FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks #being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i #even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just #text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or #at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju #just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an #and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be #been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode #and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b #be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a #breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing #on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here #delete later #like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway #and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy. #retreat tag