#so i talked to isabel about how i first started questioning whether i was gay. i had developed a crush on my middle school teacher | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

finelinevogue · 3 years

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Thanks can you write something about one of the kids getting hate online from jealous people and how it affects them and what Harry and Y/N do

hello!! so this one is going to be about isabelle getting hate (😔), which you will find out why. i’m also changing the age gaps between them because it’s so hard to write with larger age gaps. so here isabelle is 16, felix is 19 and oli is 21!!

“Mum!”

You had been busy ironing the clothes downstairs, whilst watching ‘Call the Midwife’ on the TV, when you heard Felix shouting you from upstairs.

“What?” You shouted back, moving from the lounge to the bottom of the stairs to hear better.

“I think you should see this.”

When your children say things like this you either roll your eyes when you find out they wanted to show you a meme, or panic because some rumour has been spread all over the internet of them.

“Just hang on a minute!” Your attention diverted to the front door being opened harshly. Everyone else was already home but Belle, so it must’ve been her. It was a Wednesday today and Belle always had study group in the library after-school on a Wednesday, although today she was back a little earlier than normal.

You moved the latch off the porch door and opened it to welcome Belle home, watching as she threw off her high-top converse aggressively.

“Hiya love, you alr—” You didn’t get to finish before you saw that her eyes were red and puffy, tears streaming down her face like a cascading waterfall. Her mascara was smudged and made it look like she hadn’t slept for weeks. “Woah, hey, Belle?”

Belle didn’t listen to you though, instead she stormed past and ran up the stairs and a minute later you heard her bedroom door slam shut.

What the fuck was that about?

“Minute too late mum!” Felix shouted again, making you roll your eyes in annoyance. However, it did confirm that something had happened to Belle on social media or over the internet and you had to get Harry on top of this now.

You walked down the stairs, into your basement - which Harry had converted into a sound-proof studio - and saw him sat with a guitar on his lap and pencil between his teeth, playing around with chords on repeat.

“Babe?” You knocked on the door as you spoke, Harry looking up from where he was sat to you and smiling as bright as ever.

“You alright love?” He asked sweetly, taking the pencil out of his mouth first.

“I am yeah, but Belle’s just come home crying and shut herself in her room.” You furrowed your eyebrows, trying to work through everything that had happened and wondering whether you’d done something or not done something.

Harry instantly got to his feet, putting everything down so that he could come over to you. He placed his warm hands on your cheeks and kissed your lips once just because, “I know what you’re thinking, so stop it. Something’s probably happened at school. Let me go talk to her, okay?” You nodded in agreement and sighed in thanks.

Belle had always been more of a daddy’s girl than a mommy’s girl, and that was okay. It just meant that she was more open to her feelings and her heart with her dad than you, not to say she never talked to you about things like that. Harry always filled you in on things, though, and would prompt you to talk to her if he thought extremely necessary. Belle liked to work things out by herself normally, not liking to be a burden to anyone - a lot like you actually.

Harry walked out of the room and climbed the stairs two at a time until he made it outside Belle’s room. He knocked before entering, but Belle made no sound for him to enter.

“Belles?” Harry asked softly, shutting the door and walking over to her bed which she was curled up on. She had obviously flopped on the bed and began crying, because there was no sign of effort to get under the covers or get comfortable.

“D-dad?” She mumbled roughly, her choked sobs holding her back.

“Yes sweetheart, i’m here.” Harry sat down on the edge of her bed and sat their patiently. He didn’t want to invade her space or make her feel claustrophobic, so he waited for her to come to him and that didn’t take long. She sprang up and hugged him with her head buried against her dad’s chest, sobbing so violently that Harry’s heart cracked in two. He hated to see his baby cry. It was his biggest weakness.

Belle made an attempt to speak but Harry couldn’t understand due to the shear heaviness of her cries.

“Belles, y’gotta calm down for me, my heart. Gotta breathe it out before you make yourself sick.” He smoothed his hand over the back of her hair, like he’d always done. Her breathing ever-so-slowly coming back down to a normal and healthy pace. “That’s it, thank you.” He kissed the top of her head and held her tightly still.

“Dad?” She shakily started.

“Yes love.”

“Do y-you know?” She sat up so she could face her dad, bur Harry didn’t let his hands leave hers.

“Know what, sweetheart?”

Harry genuinely didn’t know and Belle could see that in his honest, kind, eyes.

“T-that…” Belle started tearing up again, her bottom lip wobbling like sailors legs.

“Hey, calm down. You’re okay. Breathe and then talk to me, okay?” Harry ordered her, not caring if this took all night. He was here for his baby girl whenever and wherever, no exceptions. If she didn’t ever tell him, that was okay as long as he helped her build up her happiness again. A few deep breaths later and she was feeling more comfortable.

“I..,” she paused momentarily to collect her words before letting them flow out beautifully, “i’m gay dad.”

Warmth spread through Harry’s heart as if he were torch that’d just been set alight. He could only put the way he felt into one word; proud. He was so proud that his daughter was turning into the loving and open and beautiful woman she was always born to be. He was also just so happy that she had the confidence in him to tell him something so important to her.

“I’m so proud of you, Belle.”

“Really?” She sounded surprised, which made Harry take a step back in confusion.

“Yes of course,” Harry squeezed her hand just a little tighter, “have I ever given you a reason to think otherwise?”

“No.”

“Then where’s this doubt coming from hey?”

Belle began to cry again at his question.

“T-the media found out and i-it’s been published everywhere a-and I w-was worried I wouldn’t b-be able to tell you myself b-before they could. They’re being s-so rude too.” Her cries broke Harry all over again. As much as he was proud of her for coming out so bravely, he was incredibly pissed off that the media thought it was there business to pass around before Belle was even comfortable admitting it first. It’s Belle’s right to come out when she wants and how she wants and Harry could understand how frustrating and upsetting that must be to have it all taken away. He had to keep calm for Belle though, pulling her back into his chest to hold her safely.

“What are they saying?”

Anger bubbled through Harry’s veins as she began to speak.

“That i’m only gay to promote the values you stand for or that you’ll be disappointed that not all your children are straight.”

Harry’s fingers curled at her words, not understanding how much of a low-life you have to be to genuinely type and publish these things about a child, let alone his child. He was furious and he was going to burn - metaphorically - the people responsible for this abuse.

“How did they find out?”

Instead of her saying anything she pulled up a picture of the article online - released by ‘The Sun’ unsurprisingly as they were the worst for paparazzi stalking - and it all started to piece together.

The article headlined a picture of Belle and another girl, kissing outside of school. The study group mustn’t have been exclusively studying. Harry didn’t focus on the shitty article, he instead focused on how the smile on Belle’s face was the widest he’d ever seen.

“You look very happy.” Harry tried to make light of the situation for his daughter.

“I am. They make me very happy.” Belle blushed and Harry caught on.

“And they’re called?”

“Megan.”

“Megan,” Harry repeated the name, getting a feel for the way it sounded for future use, “well they seem lovely.”

“Dad you’ve only seen them through a picture of us kissing.” Belle rolled her eyes and Harry reached out to dab the tears away, not minding that his sleeve was becoming heavily damp.

“Shut up you,” he laughed causing a smile to leap onto Belles face too, “do we get to meet them?”

“Hopefully,” Belle smiles, before looking down to her lap with furrowed brows, “that is, if they still like me after this whole media shambles.” Belle let out a breathe of shaky air and Harry caught her anxiety before she could let herself run off with it.

“Let me take care of that, don’t worry yourself over it, okay?” Belle nodded.

“Do I have to make like a statement or anything?”

“You do whatever you want to, Belles, and i’ll love you no matter what.”

And with that Harry left the room, a smile on his face for feeling like the proudest most happiest parent on the planet. It only lasted a few minutes though, because now it was time to make some phone calls and sue a few people.

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craziestfangirl98 · 3 years

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My thoughts on Love, Victor season 2 cause I have too many feelings and I need to talk about it.

Disclaimer No. 1. This has massive Love, Victor season 2 spoilers so pleaseeeee leave if you have not watched it. Also if you do not want to engage with it.

Disclaimer No. 2: This is my opinion on the season so if you don't agree please leave. Don't come for me. I don't mind having proper discussions but I don't want unnecessary arguments so thanks.

There are a lot of unpopular opinions so as I said earlier if you don't want to be respectful, please leave.

I absolutely adoooooooored this season. I think it met its potential quite well and I liked how it panned out. I felt it was brilliantly done. I know a lot of people don't agree with me but I actually saw that it was gonna be an acquired liking but yeah.

THIS POST WILL BE GETTING TO THE MORE MAJOR PARTS OF THE SEASON. MEANING VICTOR, RAHIM, BENJI AND VENJI.

Let's start with individual breakdowns.

Right of the bat we see that this season is gonna deal with Victor with the rest of the world. The first season was very internal and dealt with his own stuff in his own head. We very minutely see his interaction with different people and how that internally affects him. This season was more of how the outward world dealt with him. His intersectionality of being a Queer POC that plays sport really adds to the discussions within the queer community and the sense of being outcasted within the community. I liked how he was able to talk to Andrew about the whole being 'the most non gay gay' and also not being 'gay enough'. It was really nice and I loved that interaction. I also liked the fact that they discussed the whole aspect of being stressed about the first time and such.

I liked the full cabin sequence in terms of his anxiety about having sex for the first time. That too with an experienced gay. It all just makes sense and makes me glad that it was addressed.

I loved him as the 'mentor' for Rahim and the fact that they could relate to each other about being POC with religious parents I think was the exact push needed for the discussions to move forward.

I think his conversation about his queer experience as a POC with Rahim was something I have been waiting for since the first season. He definitely should not have revealed Benji's secrets without talking to him and that was a mistake on his part and something that will affect Venji in a long while. But the fact that Rahim and Victor relied on each other was not surprising.

I am going to address the rest of the aspects of Victor with regards to his relationships with each of them after their individual breakdown.

Now moving forward to Benji.

I know its gonna be a hard truth but I think his character was the one that I liked the least. And this is specific to the fact that his motivations are hidden from us. He is not really open to talk to us (through victor). I had the same problem with him in the first season and was hoping he would be fleshed out more. We only see him as an extension to Victor and just his boyfriend. Even then, we barely see him communicating with Victor or anybody else all through the time. Also, that being said, I have seen a lot of people say he was OOC but I think he was actually not really OOC. The way he reacts to Victor's mom's reactions although they come from a place of wanting better for Victor, he doesn't really think twice about why Victor must not be reacting or doing so subtly. He feels very unsympathetic on many occasions and that is a pattern we see from season 1.

I'm not saying he didn't have any troubles of his. Cause he definitely did. We know that with the drunken driving episode and the AA meetings and the strip club story. They were all awful, but that doesn't excuse him from trying to understand where Victor is coming from. Maybe having a little more context and communication about him would make us understand him and his motivations better.

This season specifically, I actually found him to be very token-ish of a gay guy which is weird because it has two other gay characters (or 5 based on the multiple cameos).

Now getting to Rahim.

I LOVED HIM. He is, I think right behind Victor in my heart. I fell in love with him barely minutes into the episode. His coming out retelling was the most wholesome of all things. I loved the friendship Pilar and him shared. I'm surprised we didn't get a scene with Pilar teasing him about his crush on Victor but I think that was because the writers didn't want to make it obvious. I felt he had a character of his own that was explored more than just coming in between the main couple. The one episode where they skip school we found out more about him and it was intriguing to say the least.

He is a Muslim gay boy who likes to put nail polish and fashion and believes that his parents will not accept him. It is soo refreshing to see this theory get denied and the parents being completely okay with it. Next, Victor and him have an interesting relationship between the two. When victor needs his mind to be taken off of things or talk to, Rahim does just that and when Rahim needs some advice or just some support Victor does that.

NOW VENJI.....

I think this is again... a little unpopular right now, but... their relationship was not that great this season. And I.... kinda expected that to happen. That is for multiple reasons. They spent 50% of their time making out, 40% of it fighting and 10% communicating. Were they flawed? Absolutely and I get that. They had massive miscommunication problems. Trust issues and everything under the moon. It is to be expected especially cause they are teenagers and they are not mature enough. That being said, flaws are not when you are dismissive of your boyfriend's issues because he doesn't fit your ideal gay stereotype. Flaws are not when you say your boyfriend is too much for you to handle and say something like you are the only one taking care of them. That's manipulation. Flaws are not when you don't realise that the context your boyfriend comes from is very specific to himself and if you want to do better you need to be open to listen to where he is coming from instead of getting offended by him saying you are white when you don't get the specifics. You need to understand that by saying you are white, he is not dismissing your experience with alcohol addiction and with your father taking you to strip clubs and shit. He is just saying you don't get where I am coming from. The reason I say I saw it coming is because even in season 1 we see Benji go ahead with what he wants to do instead of thinking about the consequences. Case in point the kiss on Victor's birthday. Victor told Benji that his grandparents are homophobic and still he kisses Derek. Because it is fiction and a teen drama the consequences weren't dire and it came to be a growth point for Victor but just imagine if the consequences were different. If it ended up being something worse, what then. I feel this season we are especially able to see Benji out of the rose tinted glasses that Victor had last season.

That being said I admit that Victor was also not entirely good. He did breach Benji's trust. I don't see how they can go back from there. He didn't communicate from his side as well, but just think of it like this if someone says you are too much to handle would their partner actually be willing to communicate what's bothering them?

The things about Isabelle walking on sex. If it was my house anything remotely sexual, irrespective of the gender would have been met with shame and anger just as Isabelle did. They are 16. The little brother was right next door. In any way whether it is straight sex or gay sex it would still have been met this way I feel.

So yeah as much as they are supposed to be the main star couple of the show they lack in almost every aspect. So yeah...

Now coming to VICTOR X RAHIM

Straight off the bat, I don't know if I watched the same season that others did because I actually felt the chemistry between them was actually more than Venji had in scenes other than the make out ones.

Also, they come from similar backgrounds. They understand each other much better than any white dude could ever understand them. They actually talk and communicate.

Rahim and Victor on the other hand are both new to this whole being gay, out and proud thing and I feel they would understand each other better. I think a big problem people have with them is that the writers fall back on the love triangle trope and stuff but I like it in this instance. It made sense to me.

Why? Because they are teenagers. Also, the gay pool in schools are so small and people are bound to explore. Like Victor said, what are the odds that you end up with the first person you start dating?

Also, regarding the wedding. Benji said he would not come, so I don't think he has the right to question who he came with. It was completely innocent on Victor's part because he did invite Pilar first. I guess it is the whole first slow dance that was the betrayal and as much as their chemistry was palpable I feel Benji should have allowed to here him out. I don't know maybe you all feel different about it but I feel that is not a betrayal on Victor's part. What could have been a betrayal was the kiss. I know it is once again a repeat of the cheating stereotype and I had hoped that the showrunner's did it a bit differently but well it has happened. (But again the chemistry in that kiss!!!)

What do I want to happen next. I definitely ship Victor x Rahim more than Victor x Benji. I would love for it to be Rahim behind the door but it feels unlikely that the showrunners will actually do that so my hope is even if they get together, Benji and Victor realise just how much they don't fit with each other and break up amicably and then Victor x Rahim gets explored and slow burn happens.

I don't want Victor to be the only one apologising if Venji do get together again. For whatever small amount of time. I need them to communicate better.

So yeah..... this was long and what I thought of the main portions of Love, Victor. It's really ironic how people love everyone other than Victor in a story about him and care for all the stories other than him.

#love victor #love victor season 2 #rahim love victor #victor salazar #not gonna tag Benji cause I am not too forgiving on him #can you tell author loves rahim?#and victor #and especially loves them together?#Victor x Rahim #we need to come up with an appropriate ship name for them #Vichim? Rator? I don't know just something!#Anywho... Another one coming up sometime about the friends and family #kayblyeeee #first post in ages

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joezworld · 3 years

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Delta Dawn (10/10)

April, 1995

“Soooo...” Siobhan asked James teasingly over lunch. “When’re ye gonna put a ring on it?”

James, who had not been expecting such a question, spluttered and choked for a minute as Siobhan fell over laughing.

“I’m sure that I don’t know what you’re talking about!” he said at last, his face going as red as his paintwork.

“Sure ye don’!” She giggled. “Just like I’m sure that ye and Del’ ‘ave been shagging each other senseless for fifteen years! You’ve got ta make an honest diesel of ‘er at some point, Red!”

“We-” James choked.

“-are no’ subtle. Everyone else is just blind.”

“Well - I - You - we - What about you and Declan?” James eventually managed.

Siobhan shrugged. “Deccie’s too much o’ a puss to ask me - he’s afraid ‘is parents won’t like ‘im ‘marrying down’. Which, considerin’ that his parents are like, crazy rich Indians who care only about status, I canno’ really blame ‘im”.

“So if he’s not going to marry you, then why are you cheeking off to me?”

“Cause I’m gonna ask him to marry me.” The woman said smugly. “Deccie’s parents won’t be able to say no if I ask because it’d look bad to their friends - they just don’t think I’d do it because they think that girls are weak and subdued!”

James goggled. “They have met you, right?”

“I know, right?” She stretched out on James’ bufferbeam. “I just have to find out his ring size and I’ll do it.”

“Ring size?”

“Oh yeah, ye lot don’ have those. It’s what you put on yer finger to say that ye tied the knot.” She pointed to the fourth finger on her left hand. “It goes ‘ere. Every girl in ma school knew what 'er size was, but blokes are hopeless.”

“Hmm...” James looked pensive. “I might be able to help with that.”

Siobhan raised a surprised eyebrow.

--------------

Later

“Declan!” James called across the platform. He’d become friends with Siobhan’s boyfriend from the moment they’d met - the sharp-dressed Indian businessman was one of the few people who kept up with fashion at the same pace as James did, and they frequently spoke about the latest trends.

“James! Have you seen this?” Declan smiled as he trotted over with a fresh copy of GQ.

Later Still

“He’s a size 11.”

“How did-”

“-And he likes coloured gemstones - apparently they’re ‘conflict-free’, whatever that means. Make sure that the stones have some meaning about you, because he thinks about you more than him. And don’t worry, he doesn’t suspect a thing.”

“How?”

“I’m James the Splendid Engine - I can do anything.”

-----

One Week Later

Siobhan asked Declan to marry her a week later. James was away on a train when she did it, so he didn’t see it, but apparently Donald and Douglas caused quite the commotion.

That Night

“-so then Donald keeps whistling even after everyone stopped applauding, and it turns out that he’d managed to jam his whistle open!” Henry had seen the whole thing, and was eagerly relaying the story to James at the coaling stage. “I know that it’s a special event, but I’m glad Gordon didn’t see it - he’d never let him hear the end of it.”

They both had a good laugh over that - much to the consternation of Gordon, who knew they were laughing at him but not why.

“Have you put any thought into it?” Henry said once the laughter had died down.

“Have you?” James asked quietly. Why was everyone asking him about this?

“Of course I have - and it’s illegal.” The green engine sighed deeply.

“What? I thought that the Magistrate in Arlesburgh...”

“That man can do many things, but he can’t make gay marriage legal.”

“Oh.” That brought James up short. “If it were?”

“Yes.” Henry said immediately.

No more was said. James was lost in thought, and Henry was fairly sure he knew what about.

Gordon, who was watching them suspiciously, wondered whether the entire Island had gone crazy when he wasn’t looking, or if he had gone insane and no-one had bothered to tell him.

James was somewhat more subdued than normal for the next few days. It did not go unnoticed, but he refused to say why, only insisting that he was fine, and was thinking about something.

The Fat Controller made several attempts to discover the root of the problem, and only grew more confused as each engine claimed to have heard a different reason why.

“I know that you have something to do with this.” Gordon snapped at Henry after the Fat Controller left the sheds.

“Whatever could you mean?” Henry asked, the very picture of innocence.

“Henry. Look at me. Look at my face.”

“I am. Perhaps that’s why James is so upset - there’s a hair growing out of your nose at a most upsetting angle.”

“I will put you back into that tunnel.”

“No, you won’t.” Bear said, suddenly awake and interested in the conversation. Gordon had been joking, but the Hymek wasn’t, and his tone implied violence if the topic wasn’t changed.

----------------------

A Few Weeks Later

“Psst. Psst. Miss Delta, over here!” One of the coaches whispered to Delta from the entrance of the coach shed.

“What is it, Norma?” Delta grumbled. The coaches had been decidedly on-edge around her for the past few days, and it was starting to become wearisome.

“Can you please come into the sheds? There’s something very important that you need to see!” The second-class coach was looked like she was letting Delta in on a secret, which instantly put the diesel on the alert.

“Why?” She said, visions of past April Fools Days fresh in her mind.

“I can’t tell you out here!”

“How am I supposed to get in there?” Her engine may have been running, but there was no crew in sight - and even if they were here, there was no way that her driver would run her into the carriage sheds based on some gossip.

“You could ask Miss Siobhan!” The coach said brightly.

Delta blinked. Donald and Douglas’ daughter/driver was not usually drawn into the coaches’ cockamamie schemes, but was clearly standing by the fuel pumps holding - but not reading - a magazine like she was waiting to be noticed.

“Huh?” Siobhan said with faux-ignorance. “What am I doing?”

“Could you move Miss Delta into the shed dear?” The coach didn’t even bother with pleasantries, and Siobhan didn’t even bother answering, instead springing into action - throwing her magazine to the ground and clambering into Delta’s cab before the diesel had time to process what was happening.

“Oi!” She yelped as Siobhan poked and prodded at levers until Delta started moving. “You can’t do that! You’re not qualified on diesels!”

“I’m a smart girl, I can figure it out.” Siobhan smiled as she rolled Delta into the carriage sheds.

“Figure it out, my buffers! If I go through the opposite wall...” Delta’s shouting faded as she entered the sheds.

From across the yards, Gordon and Thomas watched as the red diesel dissapeared into the dark confines of the carriage shed, the door closing behind her.

“Thomas, do you ever feel like there are things on this island that we are not aware of?”

“I think you must be bad at noticing things if you don’t know what’s going on right in front of you.”

“Coming from you, that’s like the pot calling the kettle black.”

“Oh really? I know everything, Gordon.”

“Tell me what the word ‘drip’ means, then.”

“It means shut up Gordon.”

“Really? I thought it meant ‘small engines who tell embarrassing stories to authors and then are surprised when those stories are published.’”

“Why don’t we speculate wildly about why Delta was just driven into the carriage shed, hmm?”

“I thought that you knew everything, Thomas. Why don’t you just tell me what she’s doing in there?”

“...”

“What’s that? Is it possible that you don’t know? How strange! I thought that you were omnipotent.”

“shut up Gordon.”

-----------

Inside the carriage shed, Delta was in the dark - literally. All the lights were off, and the roll up door had rolled down behind her.

“What kind of Mickey-Mouse bullshit is this?” She muttered to the empty room, too caught up in the entirety of the event to realize that Siobhan had scampered back down her cab ladder and vanished into the building.

After a moment of quiet murmuring in the dark, a small voice called out. “all right girls - on three, two, one!”

Before Delta could ask what was happening, the light over one track snapped on. A single coach - Delta thought she was Dulcie, one of Duck’s coaches - sat in the circle of illumination. She smiled at the diesel for a moment before a piano of all things, started playing over the building’s PA system.

Delta dawn, what’s that flower you have on, could it be a faded rose from days gone by? The coach was now singing, and Delta was now thoroughly baffled.

She's forty-one and her daddy still calls her, 'baby' All the folks around Brownsville say she's crazy 'Cause she walks down town with a suitcase in her hand Looking for a mysterious dark-haired man

It was bad form to interrupt when somecoach was singing - even if they were clearly deranged, but when this song was over there was going to be some explaining to do.

In her younger days they called her Delta Dawn Prettiest woman you ever laid eyes on Then a man of low degree stood by her side And promised her he'd take her for his bride

For obvious reasons, Delta was familiar with this song, and was rather startled when more lights snapped on, revealing another one of Duck’s coaches - Isabel perhaps? - and Marie and Lilith, two of the first class coaches from the Express, who were all providing backing vocals.

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? And did I hear you say he was a-meeting you here today To take you to his mansion in the sky?

The centre of the shed was still shrouded in darkness when the lights on the edges snapped on, but Delta wasn’t really in a position to notice, as she was too busy goggling at the sudden appearance of an entire express rake’s worth of coaches on the remaining tracks, all of whom began singing the chorus of the song.

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? And did I hear you say he was a-meeting you here today To take you to his mansion in the sky?

A light in the back flickered to life, showing Siobhan’s fiancé Declan playing an electric keyboard. Siobhan was next to him with a tambourine. Who is doing this, and how many people are involved? Delta wondered to herself as the music built to the last verses.

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? And did I hear you say he was a-meeting you here today To take you to his mansion in the sky?

The lights in the centre of the sheds began to brighten, revealing a very familiar set of shapes - on the tracks to either side of hers, Bear and Henry slowly became visible, grinning like lunatics.

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? And did I hear you say he was a-meeting you here today To take you to his mansion in the sky?

Finally, the light in the centre of the shed turned on, revealing -

“Jamie?!”

James’ smile was threating to break his smokebox in half. “Hello gorgeous.”

“Hello yourself,” Delta said, still extremely overwhelmed. “Did you put all this on? Why?”

“Because I wanted to show you how much you mean to me.” James said sincerely, drawing an “aaaw” from the coaches.

“That’s - Jamie - you didn’t have to...”

James smiled. “Of course I didn’t - but I wanted to. Especially because I wanted today to be special.”

“Why?”

Bear opened his mouth, seemed to realize what he was doing, and then immediately shut it again.

Delta looked at James as she began to put the pieces together. Her mouth dropped open. “Jamie. Are you...”

“Asking you to marry me? Yes I am.”

---

Across the Yard

“Are you really going to bring that up now? It’s been almost fifty years and I didn’t tell him about that!”

“Well I certainly didn’t run my mouth to every clergyman I saw running around with a notebook, so it must have been you.”

“It wasn’t! And thank goodness for that, by the way! Can you imagine the size of your smokebox if the stories were called ‘Gordon the Big Engine and His Friends?’ I can’t imagine that there’d be room on the Island for the rest of us!”

“The only reas - what on earth?”

Thomas and Gordon were drawn out of their bickering by an explosion of cheers from within the carriage sheds. It was loud even from their side of the yard - it must have been cacophonous inside the building.

“You know what Gordon?” Thomas said as the cheers continued with no sign of quieting down. “I take it back. There are things going on in this Island that we don’t know about.”

#ttte #music #sodor #sodor shenangians #oc: Delta #Oc: Siobhan #OC: Declan #ttte bear #ttte henry #ttte james #ttte gordon #ttte thomas #ttte isabel #ttte dulcie #long #helen reddy #awww #fools in love

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theradioghost · 5 years

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Please listen to Greater Boston, because it is easily one of the best audio drama podcasts out there.

Please listen to Greater Boston, because in some ways it’s a story about what it means to belong to a community, and about grief and loss forcing you to confront your own deepest flaws, and about the unbelievable impact that one tiny action by one person can have on innumerable other people, and how that is a terrible responsibility, and how it’s one of the most beautiful things in the world. And in some ways it’s a story about “What if Boston, but actually the city was trains, and also maybe some evil cheese robots?”

Please listen to Greater Boston, because it starts off by taking the closest thing to a central character that the narrative has, in the first episode, and immediately killing him off via roller-coaster-induced existential crisis. And the tragicomic absurdity only escalates from there.

Please listen to Greater Boston because Panda Discourse.

Please listen to Greater Boston, because it plays wildly and cleverly with narrative and storytelling and the fourth wall and “turns out the real villain is the framing device” is a thing that I’ve said about it.

Please listen to Greater Boston because they know how to use the fuck word better than like anyone else alive basically.

Please listen to Greater Boston because it has a huge and loveable and brilliantly written ensemble of characters who are complicated and dynamic and real-feeling and fantastically written and performed, whether the situation is that the character is coping with their relapsed alcoholism, or that they are talking about what new advice the ghost of Mary Wollstonecraft has given them about once again changing their legal name.

Please listen to Greater Boston, because I know how much yall love good queer characters and the central cast includes married lesbian mothers with a complicated but profoundly loving relationship who accidentally end up in the middle of the most thoroughly absurd political campaign possible, because among the other characters are a dorky chaotic neutral gay reporter and his fiance, and a profoundly hilarious and foul-mouthed bisexual veterinary student, and an HR manager with frankly terrible taste in men but a genuinely good heart, and a brilliant aroace mayoral assistant, and a polyamorous commune and some nonbinary side characters and all of these people are interesting and funny and heartwrenching and I love all of them so much.

Please listen to Greater Boston because you deserve to experience the powerhouse of a character who is Isabelle Powell.

Please listen to Greater Boston, because you’ll get to hear the context of phrases like “That’s a LOT of beets!” and "Seriously? Who doesn’t like a sexy pillow fight?” and “The willow lark fucks a scone by moonlight!” and to experience the funniest fake ads I’ve ever heard and to know what a Nacho Flume is and also hear a guy, the two dudes currently kidnapping him, and a ghost argue about the plural of hippopotamus.

Please listen to Greater Boston, because it will make you have a profound emotional reaction when you hear the numbers one through twelve, and also Feel Things about Google Calendar.

Please listen to Greater Boston because the answer to the question “Who the hell just carries around a grappling hook in their purse???” is “LADIES MAKING A DIFFERENCE.”

Please listen to Greater Boston, because it’s weird and wonderful and gutwrenchingly sad and indescribably funny and impossibly heartwarming and I love it and I think you will too.

#my posts #please listen to greater boston because I need to be able to talk about it more #once again bobbie mickmercury feels the need to yell about greater boston because guess what #they're just that talented and it's just that good #jeff and alexander if you see this ..... whoops sorry #(same to the folks at the wtf? tumblr i think?)

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scoops-stevie-archive · 4 years

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⭐️ connor’s 2019 fic rec ⭐️

total fic count: 60

also known as part three to my fic rec series! as usual, all fics are ordered alphabetically by title and all smut is marked with **. please let me know if any links are broken/linked to the wrong page!

and most importantly, please leave a comment and kudos on the fics you’ve enjoyed :)

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4

A Fortunately Unfortunate Afternoon - 4.5k, single chapter author(s): madlysanecatlady fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley

Crowley doesn't startle easily, and he doesn't startle often, but when he does, there's an unfortunate side effect.

**All Eyes On You - 4.3k, single chapter author(s): Lacerta26 fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

‘What’s this supposed to be teaching me Harry?’

‘That you can enjoy being looked at, that you can enjoy it when I take you out and show you off,’ Harry whispers in his ear, hand resting entirely too high on Eggsy’s thigh for this stage in the evening.

‘No one’s looking at us, Harry.’

Harry moves his hand to Eggsy’s hip, ‘aren’t they?’

Harry shows Eggsy how good it feels to be the centre of attention.

Breathe - 1.3k, single chapter author(s): telanaris fandom(S): The Arcana pairing(s): Julian Devorak/Reader

“Love…” Julian says, voice quiet and tender, comforting as he reaches for your hand, “my darling.” He interlaces your fingers and guides your hand, palm facing down, beneath the white gauze of his shirt to his chest, just over his heart.

You cannot choke back the gasp it wrests from your throats. Whether from the exhilaration of his reanimation, or the ferocity of your kisses, Julian’s heart is pounding, madly, in his chest. The strong rhythm of it is unmistakeable. And every beat of it confirms irrefutably: he is alive, alive, alive.

Bright Young Things - 2,3k, single chapter author(s): keepyourpantsongohan fandom(s): Naruto pairing(s): Hatake Kakashi & Namikaze Minato

Sighing, Minato leads his team into the light. When the man in the clearing gets a look at their faces, his whole body goes shock still. “Sensei?” he says uncertainly.

“Er, hi,” says Minato, with a sheepish wave.

**Bros Helping Bros - series, complete author(s): Tenebrosa fandom(s): Dream Daddy pairing(s): Craig Cahn/Robert Small

Craig needs to loosen the fuck up and damn if Robert isn't the King of Relaxation. How he does it might be a little...unorthodox, but really, who's gonna judge them all the way out here?

Care and Custody - multi-chapter, complete author(s): esama fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

Eggsy takes out the medal in slightly worse circumstances, asking for a miracle.

**Couples Therapy - series, ongoing author(s): jane_x80 pairing(s): Anthony DiNozzo/Jethro Gibbs fandom(s): NCIS

A serial killer is targeting married gay couples. Gibbs and DiNozzo pose as one such couple, attending couples therapy, in order to flush out and hopefully capture the killer.

Crazy - 3.2k, single chapter author(s): wyvernwolf fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

It's Merlin's sixtieth birthday and he fears Eggsy will do something sappy and romantic. Eggsy does, but not in the way Merlin expects.

**Devour You - 1.7k, single chapter author(s): branewurms fandom(s): The Arcana pairing(s): Julian Devorak/Reader

You take a moment to savor the sight of him. Julian looks the perfect picture of debauched innocence. And isn’t that a ridiculous thought—but he does, with his white shirt still around his shoulders spread wide and baring everything, and that rosy flush spreading from his cheeks all the way down to his heaving chest, staining it a pretty pink.

**Easy Like Sunday Mornin’ - 3.2k, single chapter author(s): howdoyousleep pairing(s): James “Bucky” Barnes/Steve Rogers fandom(s): Marvel Cinematic Universe

Today is a Sunday and the universally-accepted laziness of the day may be why Steve finds himself wanting it slow and sweaty and deep. Bucky didn’t ask questions.

Efficient pictorial communication of complex ideas (the kids call it a meme) - multi-chapter, complete author(s): sorrens fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley, Gabriel/Beelzebub

The one in which Aziraphale is forced headlong into millennial humour trying to work out what Crowley means when he says "Gabriel and Beelzebub are smashing".

Essentially Social Chameleons - 2.6k, single chapter author(s): Lolapola fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley

In short, Aziraphale and Crowley are not as good at blending in with mortals as they think they are. There are better places to discover this than Newton and Anathema's baby's christening, but, well, we're here now.

Family is Family - 5.3k, single chapter author(s): hexicity fandom(s): Shadowhunters pairing(s): Magnus Bane/Alex Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago,Lydia Brandwell/Isabelle Lightwood

The ad is messily stapled against the public announcement board in the quad.

It looks like someone wrote it with their non-dominant hand in the first pen they found. Its sloppy red ink reads in giant letters: “FOUR BEDROOMS. ONE BATH. PASSABLE KITCHEN. WILLING TO DELAY PAYMENT ON RENT. PLEASE DON’T TRY TO LIVE WITH US IF YOU’RE WEIRD, WE ALREADY HAVE SIMON.”

(or, Alec lives with three strangers and starts to like them more than his actual family)

Feathers on the Bedroom Floor - 1.2k, single chapter author(s): dunk_on_em fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley

Aziraphale looked to his right to see Crowley, struggling to keep his head aright.

His dear Crowley. The one who had sworn he would leave but ended up coming back. The one who drove a flaming car for hours, just so he could be there to help. The one who stopped the sands of time, just to give Aziraphale a chance to talk to the boy. It was no wonder he was tired. So, so much had been asked of him today. Aziraphale pushed his shoulder gently towards Crowley.

“I don’t mind,” the angel murmured, as gently as he could. “I’ll wake you when we arrive.”

Finding Home - 2.1k, single chapter author(s): roseforthethorns fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

Without realizing it, Eggsy started to fall in love.

What he didn't know is that Harry and Merlin were falling in love with him too.

flour in your hair, love in your heart - 4.1k, single chapter author(s): mirkandmidnight fandom(s): The Song of Achilles pairing(s): Achilles/Patroclus

Here is how it starts. Patroclus takes an opening shift one day in late September, because Briseis has gotten the stomach flu and swears that if she moves from her bed, she may vomit. So he ends up working with Odysseus and Iphigenia, who never does a damn thing but gets to keep her job because she's Fucking Agamemnon's kid, and can you spell nepotism? Patroclus can. That higher education isn't going to waste, oh no.

forever isn’t too long, when i’m right where i belong - multi-chapter, complete author(s): owilde fandom(s): Shadowhunters pairing(s): Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood

Raphael sat on the living room chair, the cup of tea Magnus had practically forced on him balanced on his knee, while Magnus himself was slouched on the sofa, laughing. "You," he wheezed in between hysterical fits of giggles, "are going to propose? To Simon?" Raphael pursed his lips, praying for strength from anyone.

**For Here Is Rest - multi-chapter, complete author(s): Nimravidae fandom(s): Turn: Washington’s Spies pairing(s): Benjamin Tallmadge/George Washington

After a devastating personal loss, Benjamin Tallmadge retreats from the life he knew in Connecticut. Seeking solace, he finds himself in rural Virginia fixing up a small house with only the company of the surrounding woods and his reclusive widower landlord, George Washington.

"Every spirit builds itself a house; and beyond its house a world; and beyond its world, a heaven. Know then, that the world exists for you. Build, therefore, your own world."

Foxes Are Vermin - 1.6k, single chapter author(s): sweetasamuffin fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

Daisy wants to meet her mom. Eggsy's there to help her.

Gold on Your Fingertips (Fingertips Against My Cheek) - 1.8k, single chapter author(s): ziracrow fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley

Post-apocalypse oneshot after they decide to spend the night at Crowley's flat together.

His Sweet Kiss - 2.1k, single chapter author(s): Frozen Hearts pairing(s): Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier fandom(s): The Witcher

Geralt comes back to camp after hunting a monster only to find Jaskier entangled with....

... himself?

Human Incarnate - multi-chapter, complete author(s): nikkiRA fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley

“They think I’m immune to demon fire, see,” Aziraphale said, in a slightly airy voice. “So they had to… get creative.”

“Aziraphale, what. Did. They. Do?”

“Can’t you tell?” Aziraphale gave a little laugh. This must be what shock felt like. “Can’t you sense it?” He grabbed Crowley’s hand and pressed it to his chest, so the demon could feel his rapidly beating, very human heart. “I’m a human now, my dear. Very, very mortal.”

Aziraphale is punished. Crowley refuses to accept it. Shenanigans, feelings, and plots ensue.

**I Found Myself With You - multi-chapter, complete author(s): bibliomaniac pairing(s): Jesper Johanssen/Klaus fandom(s): Klaus

After everything settles down, Jesper is trying very hard to not think about how he's developed feelings for Klaus.

Unfortunately, he's not very good at not thinking about it.

More fortunately, it actually doesn't matter that he's not good at it. He never needed to hide in the first place, after all.

If We’ve Got Nothing (We’ve Got Us) - multi-chapter, complete author(s): Kedreeva fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley

Two months after the world didn't end, Aziraphale finds the first dark feather growing in his wings.

**Intelligent Design - 5.5k, single chapter author(s): manic_intent pairing(s): Alexios/Brasidas fandom(s): Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey

“What are you doing here, sister?” Alexios scowled as he stalked through the sun-dappled olive grove. “Sparta is mine.”

“Don’t be so childish.” Kassandra was leaning in the shade of a tree, watching something in a glade beyond. She wore a golden cuirass hung with intricately patterned leather straps, gems, and purple strips. Her helmet was nowhere to be seen, her thick braid curled over one blue-cloaked shoulder. The Aegis was strapped to her back with her spear, though Medusa’s head was sealed out of the battlefield, visible only as a fine etching on shining brass.

**i see it, i like it, i want it, i got it - 2.7k, single chapter author(s): hellstrider pairing(s): Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier fandom(s): The Witcher

he's not entirely certain if it's sincere, when it starts.

I took heart from his eyes on mine - 3.3k, single chapter author(s): madeoutoflight fandom(s): The Song of Achilles pairing(s): Achilles/Patroclus

Achilles knows his destiny, has always known it—it has been written since before he was born. There is one detail the prophecies have left out, however, and it turns out to be the most important of all.

it was stolen (or exchanged) - 3.8k, single-chapter author(s): wolfiery fandom(s): Shadowhunters pairing(s): Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago

“Oh my god,” Simon baffles, sounding horrified as soon as he recognizes the song playing that’s echoing throughout the whole lounge. “Is this Mozart? Are you listening to Requiem Introitus?”

Raphael feels the annoying start of goosebumps when the fledgling starts speaking to him, interrupting a perfectly quiet evening to enjoy reading. It seems he was wrong.

“The Death Mass,” Simon explains with disbelief. “Even for an immortal, that’s incredibly morbid of you.”

**like gold - 1.8k, single chapter author(s): fernic fandom(s): The Song of Achilles pairing(s): Achilles/Patroclus

Patroclus answers by kissing his open palm, tracing along the very lines of fate that he desperately wants to change.

Look Both Ways (Before You Cross the Street) - 5.4k, single chapter author(s): ForevermoreNevermore pairing(s): Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier fandom(s): The Witcher

The forest is greener than Jaskier thinks he's ever seen it. Until it's suddenly not.

_____

Or, it's all fine and dandy until you get attacked by bandits.

love isn’t always magic (sometimes it’s just melting) - 3.3k, single chapter autor(s): mostlikelydefinitelymad fandom(s) Shadowhunters pairing(s): Simon Lewis/Raphael santiago

He can hear Simon's breath hitching (breathing, you must or the mundanes will notice) the closer he gets, can smell the hot blood in his veins and thinks:

Don't leave me in this heaven alone. Don't go.

A hand cups his cheek, lips against his ear. "I was an idiot, I'm sorry."

loving you’s a bloodsport - multi-chapter, ongoing author(s): tolvsmol fandom(s): One Direction pairing(s): Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson

harry is a bratty prince, louis is a guard who works in his palace, and niall is the only who's got his life in control.

Magnets and Dust - 2.5k, single chapter author(s): graceling_in_a_suit fandom(s): One Direction pairing(s): Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson

Harry moved closer, ignoring the red flashing of his LED display and the ever-present announcement, foreign object, foreign object.

He wanted to read it. He wanted to understand it.

To his dismay, the only letters he could make out were, l o u i s, spaced far enough apart that Harry knew they weren’t supposed to form a word.

Or: the story of Roombrry and Tinouis.

**Of Coin and Candlelight - 2.2k, single chapter author(s): coffeeandcas pairing(s): Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier fandom(s): The Witcher

After getting caught in a rainstorm, Geralt and Jaskier find creative ways to warm each other up.

On the Road to East Flubria - 3k, single-chapter author(s): ant5b pairing(s): Guy Am-I/Sam I-Am fandom(s): Green Eggs and Ham

They’re 888,888,001 zilometers away, and it’s raining.

Pray For Us, Icarus - series, complete author(s): Atalan fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley

For three centuries, Crowley has been reincarnated over and over as a human with no memory of his past. Aziraphale has tried to find a way to restore him to his true self, but all he seems to do is hurt them both. This time, he only means to steal a brief moment when he walks into Crowley's flower shop. But Crowley can't let it go...

Revelation - 2.7k, single chapter author(s): zebraljb fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

Alphas Merlin and Harry adore their omega Eggsy. They come home from work to a surprise dinner and an anxious scent coming from their lad.

Ring Around and All That Jazz - multi-chapter, complete author(s): Pemberley_Press fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

Eggsy Unwin knows the facts about soulmates just like everyone else,but it was still what he wished for and dreamt of.

He continues to dream even though he knows that a scentless beta like him has no hope of ever having one soulmate, let alone two.

But a boy can still dream yea?

**Runaway - multi-chapter, complete author(s): grumblebee fandom(s): Turn: Washington’s Spies pairing(s): Benjamin Tallmadge/George Washington

Benjamin Tallmadge, through unfortunate circumstance, can no longer go to Yale. With home life becoming unbearably toxic, he leaves home in the dead of night in search of a better life. His new life takes him to the Appalachian Trail, miles and miles of wilderness that stretch down the East Coast. Ben forages, hunts (pitifully) and pretends he is just another hiker doing the 6 month trek. But summer is waning, and the first cold snaps are rough in the mountains. Barely making shelter, Ben hunkers down for what might be his last night. But someone else is here. And well, what would you do if you were a runaway; cold and alone, when a tall man offers you a warm bed for the night...

Runaway Land - multi-chapter, complete author(s): daggerinrose fandom(s): One Direction pairing(s): Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson

Louis is sure he’s stumbled upon a secret, underground nightclub, though that is far from the truth. He’s also pretty sure he’s stumbled upon Apollo, which… isn’t very far from the truth, actually.

Modern Greek mythology AU.

**Save the Last Dance for Me - multi-chapter, ongoing author(s): Wonderdyke fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

Eggsy was used to being the ‘bit “o’ rough’. Used to being the pretty little omega that rich tits liked to pluck outta the gutter and promise the moon to. All “bond with me and you’ll never work again”. Since only ten percent of the population were omegas and forty alphas it was not surprising that those with money and power tried to buy them a pretty little piece like Eggsy to keep safe and pregnant… even if he were a bloke. ~ Harry turned, unbuttoning his cuffs and gently rolling them up to his elbows. Merlin's husband was a fucking menace, a temptation in a bespoke suit and he knew exactly what he was doing; what sort of intimations those slim fingers were making as they bared his forearms. Damn him for a fool but even after their many years together he was utterly besotted with the man. ~ Harry heard Merlin growl in his ear, rough and predatory but not jealous. Possessive. Harry was fairly sure the sound was meant for the boy, and not his husband. Harry would’ve happily teased the other alpha about it, except his blood was rushing in his ears and he was hard enough to hammer nails.

**Shutterbug - 2.4k, single chapter author(s): grumblebee fandom(s): Turn: Washington’s Spies pairing(s): Benjamin Tallmadge/George Washington

Ben is not excited about making a trip back to Setauket for Thanksgiving weekend. Dinners at home are tense, and awful, and he'd rather be at home in Virginia with George. In a moment of homesick fueled inspiration, Ben decides to snap a few naked pictures of George to take with him on his trip. George, in turn, asks for a little something on camera to keep for himself.

Sleepsong - 1.6k, single chapter author(s): QueenForADay pairing(s): Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier fandom(s): The Witcher

Some part of him wishes that people could see this – the man that they all fear so much, the Witcher, a hunter of the supernatural and evil, placated by his bard’s voice, melting into his arms. All he’s missing is hearing Geralt purr like a housecat. Every so often, Jaskier’s ears prick at the sound of a murmur of a hum leaving the other man, particularly when Jaskier presses a kiss to the crown of Geralt’s head, or runs his foot along the length of Geralt’s bared leg.

And at the same time, he would gladly pick up a sword and kill anyone who even thought of intruding on a moment like this.

**Slumber - 4k, single chapter author(s): howdoyousleep pairing(s): James “Bucky” Barnes/Steve Rogers fandom(s): Marvel Cinematic Universe

“Bucky, honey. Can’t get enough even when you’re sleepin’, huh?”

so cruelly you kissed me - 1.7k, single chapter author(s): litathesissy pairing(s): Geralt of Rivia/Jaskeir fandom(s): The Witcher

Jaskier is a soft thing. Delicate in all the ways Geralt is not. He supposes this is always true, always obvious.

**Sold My Soul To A Three Piece - multi-chapter, ongoing author(s): Comp_Lady fandom(s): Turn: Washington’s Spies pairing(s): Benjamin Tallmadge/George Washington

Love, as Paul told the Corinthians, is patient, and kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude or self-seeking. Love is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Ben is a sub, his first long term contract with a Dom ended abruptly. Leaving him drifting in waters he’s never really explored before. After over a year of keeping his head down and subsisting on small scenes with different Doms Ben finds himself wanting more. Wanting something that will last.

George is a Dom with a long line training contracts and episodic scenes in his younger years. Now he wants something permanent. He wants a sub who he doesn’t have to train from the ground up. A sub he can build something good with.

They meet at a club.

**Speak Love - series, ongoing author(s): zebraljb fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

Eggsy is a shy young man rendered almost speechless by years of abuse by his ex-stepfather. He starts his first day at Merlin Software by getting stuck in an elevator with a handsome Scottish man.

stained glass variation of the truth - 1.5k, single chapter author(s): mostlikelydefinitelymad fandom(s): Shadowhunters pairing(s): Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago

"Why are you here?"

Raphael's carefully sewn stitches are coming undone after decades of holding himself together and he lets them.

Thunder cracks with a loud boom, Simon takes two steps forward.

"To be honest, I don't know. I started walking and every sidewalk kept leading me back here."

Take Me Home - 1.8k, single chapter author(s): Casey_Wolfe fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

There was a cough, and then a strained, “Harry? Eggsy?”

**Talk to Me - multi-chapter, complete author(s): zebraljb fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

Eggsy is a shy young man rendered almost speechless by years of abuse by his ex-stepfather. He starts his first day at Merlin Software by getting stuck in an elevator with a handsome Scottish man.

The Litmus Test - 5.5k, single chapter author(s): bokunoanime fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

“Drop your fucking weapon now!” the man with the gun trained on the boy was shouting.

The boy spit blood and stretched his jaw as he watched Simon, frozen in place. “I don’t fink ‘e’s gonna listen, bruv,” the chav accent thick as it spilled from his bruised and swollen lips. “Leave the Princess out of this, an’ fight me like a man eh?” His sneer at his captor earned him another backhand across his cheek and Tilde screamed. Simon jumped at the action, watching as the man behind Tilde seemed to grow complacent.

Simon weighed his options.

OR:

The one where Merlin has a new final test for his new recruits. (Because shooting a dog was never a good judge of character.)

**The Man with Too Much Power - multi-chapter, complete author(s): CherryEmbly fandom(s): Junjou Romantica pairing(s): Takahashi Misaki/Usami Akihiko

Marukawa Publishing wishes to partner with the famed author Akihiko Usami for an interesting adaptation to his best selling novel, but he's left the entire decision up to his young boyfriend, much to the editor's dismay.

The Prime Minister and the Tea Boy - multi-chapter, complete author(s): LelithSugar, Paxdracona fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

HART THROB IN NUMBER TEN proclaims The Sun’s front page the day Harry Hart takes up residence as Prime Minister. He can’t say he was really expecting to become a sex symbol at the age of fifty two and the peak of a divisive political career, but at this point, Britain was going to fancy pretty much anything.

**The Way You Kiss Me Will Work Each Time - multi-chapter, complete author(s): givemesumaurgravy pairing(s): Cal Price/Garrett Laughlin fandom(s): Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda

“Fuck, you’re cute,” Cal says, though it’s quiet and Garrett can’t really be sure he’s heard him right.

And just like that two things become really clear to Garrett: One (1) Cal Price is really fucking attractive Two (2) Garrett would really like to kiss him

the world is watching - 4k, single chapter author(s): spraycansoul pairing(s): Eric Bittle/Jack Zimmermann fandom(s): Check, Please!

Or: five times Jack Zimmermann accidentally interrupted a vlog, and one time it was deliberate

Umbrella Shotgun - multi-chapter, complete author(s): Stratisphyre fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

Less than forty-eight hours after the total destruction of Statesman, Agent Tequila, Ginger Ale, and a reluctant lepidopterist find themselves in a tailor shop in Savile Row.

whispers of earl grey - 2k, single chapter author(s): wildenessat221b fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley

The apocalypse was supposed to change the universe.

It didn't.

A cup of Earl Grey tea came far, far closer.

(crowley struggles after the averted apocalypse, until he doesn't anymore.)

With Care - 2.3k, single chapter author(s): angel_ponders fandom(s): Good Omens pairing(s): Aziraphale/Crowley

After the apocalypse, Aziraphale finds a kitten outside of his shop.

you messed my life (it’s some kinda wonderful) - 2.6k, single chapter author(s): mostlikelydefinitelymad fandom(s): Shadowhunters pairing(s): Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood

"I love you," Simon murmurs. "More than coffee," he adds with a grin.

For him it's the ultimate declaration of love because yeah, frappés. Raphael hopes he never gets used to the awkward comic relief that is Simon Lewis, hopes he wakes up every night to eyes reflecting love back at him and argues with him for an eternity.

**you taste like the fourth of july - 5k, single chapter author(s): canniballatrix fandom(s): Kingsman pairing(s): Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary “Eggsy” Unwin

It isn't as if he's ever had the time or inclination for pursuits of the romantic sort before...before Eggsy came along, all smart mouth and vulnerable eyes that he tried so hard to hide behind squared shoulders and an insouciantly tilted chin, and Harry had been helpless to deny him anything: and here Eggsy is, handing him his most tightly locked away fantasy on a fucking platter, soft and pliant and fucking perfect for him.

He's never loved anyone more in his life.

#the witcher #kingsman #shadowhunters #yuri on ice #good omens #mine #i didn't read as many fanfics this time around #fic rec #masterpost

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axelsagewrites · 5 years

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Raphael Santiago*Attractive

Ship(s): Raphael X Shadowhunter!Reader

Request: nope

Warnings: Insecurities, self doubt

Masterlist HERE

Wattpad HERE

(Y/D/N) = your dog's name

(Y/F/D) = your favourite drink

Being a shadowhunter had serious perks and downfalls. I have above human abilities, cool, I put my life on the line daily, not so cool, shadowhunters are naturally prettier, awesome, but I'm not one of the shadowhunters, not so awesome.

I'd grown up not thinking about appearances. My family was too busy teaching me to be a shadowhunters and good person than to brush my hair and what colours matched my eyes. I was always clean and when the formal occasion arose, I was able to clean up and look smart. But what I noticed as I grew up was, I wasn't pretty.

My parents had been transferred to the New York Institute when I was young, and my family followed them. They were then requested in Idris when I was 15 and I decided to stay in New York. My family was hesitant but Maryse and Robert said they'd look after me. My parents didn't trust this since they were always away at clave meetings and barely spent time with their own kids since they learned how to use a microwave. What convinced them was Alec telling them 'we'll look after (Y/N). We're a team'.

The team he referred to was Alec, Jace, Isabelle, and me. With Alec being a couple of years older plus the other two of my parents relented. I was beyond happy to stay with my friends and not break up the dream team.

But I was 15, so was Isabelle, Jace was 16 and Alec had just turned 17. We were teenagers who were all beginning to notice other people's beauty. Or as Jace called in as a dorky 16-year-old 'rocking bods. Everyone else developed, grew, shrunk, changed, cleaned up, and started buying their own clothes.

I tried to look good. I went shopping with Isabelle, Alec told us all how to shave since his parents weren't around to teach the girls or boys, and Jace helped me work out. Eventually, I stopped caring. All the guys flocked to Isabelle, and all the girls ran and stumbled over each other to Jace and Alec despite having no chance with the later. It's not even that I didn't pick up crushes, it's just no one had any.

Isabelle said I didn't know what I was missing out on when I said I'd given up on love oh so dramatically at 17. I was glad I didn't know since then I wasn't missing it. I was 17 and had never been kissed and I told myself I was okay with that.

Later on, Clary came along, along with the whole valentine crisis, and thank my lucky stars she wasn't a girl to talk about crushes and soppy romances. Simon, of course, flocked to Isabelle like a bee to honey and Jace had a similar effect on Clary. Alec met Magnus and I adopted a dog. Seemed reasonable.

During the drama with Valentine, no one really cared about other people's love lives, begin to concern with the increased risk of death, but then suddenly Valentine was dead, and Sebastian was gone. Everything went back to normal. I was 19 and alone. It was lonely.

When we went out to clubs and bars, they all had someone beside them, and I was 7th wheeling. Hanging out with everyone made me feel like a creepy uncle who'd never settled down. Then the questions started.

"(Y/N) have you met the transfer from England? Quite the catch," Isabelle asked as we sat around Magnus' apartment. Alec had invited us over for drinks and Magnus pretended not to enjoy our company. Simon shot Isabelle a funny look and she rolled her eyes.

I almost copied her. "Yeah, I suppose. They seem like a good shadowhunter I guess," I avoided the question. My dog, who I had decided to bring with me so I could walk him after, tensed up.

"Yeah," Alec walked in from the kitchen, sitting on the armrest of my chair. "Not bad looking either,"

Magnus hummed, "Seconded,"

"I guess,"

"Maybe you should ask him out," Jace said.

I sighed, "Maybe you should mind your business," the room fell quiet, "Not only did Jaden say they had a girlfriend back home," Isabelle slumped back in their chair, "but maybe I don't want to date some random transfer,"

"(Y/N) ..." Magnus started but hesitated for a minute. He and Alec shared a look before he continued, "I hate to ask but what's your sexuality? Gay, straight, freewheeling bisexual, ace?" he listed a few and I felt my face grow hot, "Just so we know how to help you get...experience. If you want any that is,"

"Unbelievable," I muttered "Really? is it so unbelievable to you that I don't want your help? Maybe I want to find someone on my own and not force it?" At this point (Y/D/N) jumped out my lap and I followed shortly, putting their leash on them.

"Where are you going?" Isabelle asked but she didn't stand to stop me.

I looked over the room where 3 happy couples sat, "Somewhere where I don't need a partner to be accepted," And with that, I stormed out.

I kept my storming pace up until I reached the bottom of the stairs. No one was following me. I sighed and looked at (Y/D/N) who, if they were a person I reckon would've been shrugging. I felt alone.

My footsteps were slow and happened without me thinking. I opened the door and started walking the streets, unsure of what to do. Was I happy being alone? Would I be happy with someone else? Id not even had my first kiss yet. Thoughts seemed to dance around my mind, inviting more to join in.

It was getting dark, so I quickly put on a night vision rune. I had a seraph blade on me, so I wasn't worried. I didn't care much either.

The streets were busier than I would have liked, and I kept bumping into people whenever I passed a club or bar. This time when someone bumped into me, I felt a cold shiver go down my arm. I turned to see who it was, but he was already staring back at me. "Raphael?" I said unsure if it was him or whether I was about to embarrass myself in front of a random vampire.

"Yeah. (Y/N) right?" he asked, moving to let people passed. I nodded, "On a mission?" he asked.

"Nope just out."

"With a dog? At 10 at night?"

I looked down at (Y/D/N) and sighed, "Yeah I guess,"

The grumbles of those trying to get passed us must've caught his attention, "Why don't we move to the side," he said, already guiding me out of the crowd.

We stood, a few paces away from the bar's door where people had swarmed, and my hand gripped the leash. "So...how've you been?" this was awkward. We'd met during the war but never really spoke. I'd be lying if I said he wasn't attractive, but my mind always went back to the fact I wasn't.

"Not bad. Valentines gone so..." the normally smooth and somewhat cocky vampire seemed subdued. "I'd offer to catch up over a drink, but you've got..." he pointed down my dog who sat by my feet just staring at him.

"(Y/D/N)" I told him, "Yeah maybe not the best time for a walk,"

Raphael hummed, "I'm not that into dogs. Too wolf-like,"

Was that a thing? Were vampires that against werewolves that it went to dogs too? "I suppose but (Y/D/N) isn't even a little wolfly,"

"Like their owner? I do remember you being catty when we first met,"

"Well, you had just kidnapped a mundane,"

"What can I say? Desperate times," he smirked, and the corners of my lips tugged up.

I'd opened my mouth before thinking, "We could always buy a drink and sit outside?" I waited for the rejection that had followed every time id hinted at something with other people.

This time his smirk seemed to twist into a smile, "I think there is a corner shop down there if you don't mind the walk,"

Before I knew it, I was sitting with Raphael in an empty park at midnight drinking out of a cheap bottle of (Y/F/D). around 1 I got a call which I ignored till another two followed, "You should probably answer that,"

"I know," I said through a smile I hadn't been able to drop since it started, "Hello?" I said into the phone. Isabelle proceeds to freak out on me how I wasn't back at the institute and I had ignored her texts and that I had to get back soon.

I hung up and Raphael gave me a small smile "Hometime?" he asked.

"Yup" I sighed, tossing my empty bottle into the bin.

Raphael stood up and extended a hand to me. I accepted his help, though I obviously didn't need it, and we began walking to the institute though he didn't drop my hand. I didn't mind either.

We still talked as we walked and when I saw the top towers of the institute come into sight, I felt disappointed. "We should do this again sometime," Raphael stopped. I noticed how it was just before institute grounds.

I wanted to smile but held off, "Really?"

Raphael let out a laugh and I felt myself dying inside. He quickly stopped his laughter, "Sorry it's just...I'd love to do this again. Really. you're quite...entrancing,"

"Really?" I asked, looking down at the ground. I knew I was blushing, another downside of being a shadowhunter.

"Yeah. Really," When I looked up, he was smiling. I'd never felt more contempt. We exchanged numbers and set up a time. "It's a date then," Raphael grinned. "Night (Y/N), (Y/D/N)," he crouched down to pet them. "Looks like dogs have grown on me," he said before leaving.

I stood there as he walked back down the path. He stopped at the pavement and turned back to wave. I lifted my hand as a mini-wave as (Y/D/N) barked. As I turned to walk back in, I thought about what he'd said. It's a date then. A date.

"Where have you been?!" Isabelle screeched when I walked in. I didn't care. A date.

#shadow #shadowhunters #shadowworld #shadowhunter cast #shadowhunters imagine #tmi #tmi imagine #the mortal instruments #the mortal instruments imagine #raphael #raphael santiago #raphael santiago imagine

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sophygurl · 5 years

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WisCon 43 panel Favorite Queer Depictions In Fiction write-up:

Whether it's a coming-of-age coming out story, a love story about queer characters, a drama or comedy centering the lives of a queer found family, or any old story that just includes a queer character or three without making a big thing about it—we all have out favorite queer stories. Whether it's books, TV shows, movies, video games, or something else, this is the panel to share the ones we love, and why we love them!

Moderator: Kate JohnsTon. Panelists: Cat Meier, Charles Payseur, Sarah Waites, Alberto Yáñez

Disclaimers: These are only the notes I was personally able to jot down on paper during the panel. I absolutely did not get everything, and may even have some things wrong. Corrections by panelists or other audience members always welcome. I name the mod and panelists because they are publicly listed, but will remove names if asked. I do not name audience members unless specifically asked by them to be named. If I mix up a pronoun or name spelling or anything else, please tell me and I’ll fix it!

Notes:

I missed some of the panelist intro info, but Alberto identified himself as “queer AF” and Cat added “yes, I am also very queer.”

Kate asked the panelists to discuss what brought them to queer fiction, citing Mercedes Lackey as her intro point. She added “we existed and didn’t die in the first book.”

Sarah brought up Privilege of the Sword by Ellen Kushner. When she read it, she wasn’t consciously queer yet. Once she realized that she was, she began to read a lot more.

Alberto also mentioned Lackey, specifically Magic’s Pawn. He had gotten it as a library book and found someone had written in the front of it “this book is about f**gs” and he thought “well, alright then!” He also talked about the short story Things With Beards, a re-telling of The Thing through the lens of HIV/AIDS.

Cat mentioned Henry Fitzroy as her first queer character love. [ I didn’t catch the specific work/author but it involved the bastard son of Henry the 8th as a bisexual vampire - a quick search shows me this is probably Tanya Huff’s Blood and Smoke novels?]

Kate brought up that queer characters often don’t get a family and asked the panelists about queer characters that either have found families or that remained in their families of origin.

Cat talked about the novella Sing for the Coming of the Longest Night by Katherine Fabian and Iona Datt Sharma.

Alberto said that, as a Latino writer, he writes a lot about family “because some stereotypes are true.”

Sarah mentioned that Becky Chambers writes about found family quite a bit. Another example was a world where homophobia doesn’t exist in a Beauty and the Beast re-telling - In the Vanisher’s Palace.

Charles mentioned the found family in Jacqueline Koyanagi’s Ascension [also a fave of mine!], as well as Geometries of Belonging by Rose Lemberg. He also talked about Ursula Le Guin’s The Dispossessed as a story that imagines different ways of thinking about family and queerness, as well as Pan-Humanism: Hope and Pragmatics by Jess Barber and Sara Saab about decoupling possessiveness in relationships.

Charles also said that he has written both kinds of stories - found family and family of origin, specifically mentioning a found family in his short story Undercurrents.

Kate talked about how the 60′s SF genre was a lot of men going into space without any women, but it was still supposed to be read as cishet. Now we’re at a point where we actually can send women without men into space and it tends to be read as queer.

She also asked about stories where it’s not just the same nuclear family and/or gender binary but just with same-sex couples slotted in.

Alberto mentioned Nicola Griffith’s Ammonite, which is about a whole world that is female in many different expressions without having to label them all.

Cat talked about being both queer and poly and feeling very seen by Sing for the Coming of the Longest Night more than any other book. Having an example of a poly community where all relationships are equally as important as one another.

Sarah brought up The Stars Are Legion by Kameron Hurley where the male/female nuclear family structure is just not possible.

Charles again brought up Ascension as an example of family structures on space ships. Also Hurricane Heels by Isabel Yap, which has a magical girls trope - heavy on friendship but the importance of friendship is highlighted and some, but not all, in the friend group are queer.

Kate talked about James Tiptree’s Houston Houston Do You Read and some of Melissa Scott’s work.

Cat added that Melissa Scott has a wide variety of books with queer relationships in them showing a range of queer experiences. The newest - Finders - has queer poly.

Sarah talked about some of Scott’s fantasy series and the structure of the culture being that male/female relationships were for procreation but the expectation is that love is between same genders. [I didn’t catch the title of these books/the series]

Kate brought up bisexuality in fiction. She first noticed the lack of bisexual representation when she started dating a bi woman.

Charles said “all I write is bisexual - even if it’s not explicit.” Since it’s generally assumed for people to be either gay or straight if it’s not mentioned, he likes to write worlds where it’s assumed for the characters to be bi.

Charles also talked about bi rep in Rose Lemberg’s work - Birdverse, Splendid Goat Adventure, and A Portrait of the Desert in Personages of Power.

Alberto said he wants more queer characters where the drama isn’t about their queerness. In real life, acceptance can take awhile but he’s been there for a long time now and for reading and writing - he’d like for the drama to be focused elsewhere.

Cat talked about not knowing that bisexuality existed at 13 when she discovered Henry Fitzroy.

Kate talked about the importance of bi representation in creating understanding for others. “I’m a skier. I ski in the winter. It’s summer. I’m still a skier.”

Kate brought up Sarah Gailey’s River of Teeth. Also Tanya Huff’s work [missed the title] about omnisexual aliens who would screw a hole in a donut and everyone’s happy about it! Also for YA/teen reading - Foz Meadows.

Alberto mentioned Six of Crows and it’s sequel by Leigh Bardugo as having bisexuality and found family in it. [Gosh I need to get on to reading this series]

Cat brought up Peter Darling - a trans re-telling of Peter Pan with a Pan/Hook romance. [!!] Also The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue as well as The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee. The former has an ace character.

Sarah also rec’d the Guide to Petticoats and Piracy book. She is ace and the character in the book is ace and aro - society wants her to be one thing and she isn’t. Also the character gets called out on the “not like other girls” thing.

Sarah also mentioned Chameleon Moon, which has a F/F/F triad, as well as an ace man with anxiety. Sarah wants more ace characters who are not sociopaths or robots.

Kate brought up the TV show Lucifer which is “really really really bisexual” [lol]. Kate also likes that the show doesn’t explain how Lucifer, who is white, has a black brother and an Asian sister.

Someone [I only wrote “C”, so either Cat or Charles? unless that meant continued and was Kate?] talked about Tanya Huff’s work having so many queer families with a variety of experiences.

Charles said there are a lot of examples that are just sad and messy.

Kate talked about lots of queer and black fiction is depressing because - “have you looked at our lives?” She added that we need more positive examples of queer characters.

Alberto brought up Lara Elena Donnelly’s three books - Amberlough, Armistice, and Amnesty - which are about surviving fascism and rebellion. There’s crime, adventures, spies, etc. This is a strong recommendation.

Sarah added on to that by saying that this example of a dystopia is not about the queerness. Also talked about the Machineries of Empire series by Yoon Ha Lee [oh look! one of next year’s GoH’s!], which has no homophobia and almost all of the characters are queer. It also subverts the sociopathic ace trope - other characters think he is and he encourages that belief, but isn’t.

Charles mentioned a short story in Glittership Year Two [missed what it was], as well as The Root by Na'amen Gobert Tilahun which he said has a good depiction of queer families.

Kate posed the question of what there should be more queer characters in. She said video games and TV shows and that both should also be less male gaze-y.

Charles agreed with video games and said whether it’s a relationship game or not. He wants more background characters to be queer. He doesn’t want to have to headcanon it.

Sarah said “besides everything?” Big SFF movies, like the MCU - and that they should stop making such a big deal about adding super small scenes with queer characters.

Alberto said more TV - especially for stuff aimed at kids and their parents. A good example of this is She-Ra.

Kate said it should be written in the stories - not retconned like Rowling does or killing them off right away. More 3D queer characters. She added that, especially having been out for most of her life, the struggling with queerness/coming out stories are getting old for her.

Cat mentioned movies that are adaptations that have queer characters in the source material, such as the MCU - there are lots of queer characters in the comics but they don’t make it to the TV shows or movies.

Kate added that Deadpool keeps his pansexuality in the movies. Kate also wants more queer poc characters who are okay with who they are not evil aliens. This is a problem for white cishet Hollywood.

Charles talked about the issues still affecting us from the Hays Code era legacy. Queer characters are always sad and end up dead - this was once enforced but has now just trickled down.

Charles also said he enjoys cozy mysteries but the queer characters always die. There was one that he liked that was turned into a TV series and they finally had a queer character - the actor was leaving and the series could have given them a happily ever after but killed them off instead.

Sarah talked about the importance of diversity behind the scenes. It’s easier to get representation in a book because there is less gatekeeping, fewer hands in the pot. When everyone in the writer’s room of a show or movie are straight, it makes it harder.

Cat [I think? just wrote “C” again] mentioned The Wicked and the Divine - gods are reborn into people every 12 years - they’re all queer. [This was rec’d often this con - deffo need to read]

The audience got to throw out recs next. The ones I got down are: [I can’t find this in a search but it was something like Kaitlyn Sterling - Luminent... something? if anyone knows please chime in], Lifelode by Jo Walton, Ethan of Athos by Lois McMaster Bujold about a planet of men, A Door into Ocean by Joan Slonczewski about a world of women, A Big Ship at the End of the Universe by Alex White, The Light Brigade by Kameron Hurley, “everything by Seanan McGuire” [agreed!!], and then apparently Magic: The Gathering has recently been doing some exploring of genderless species and also a trans warrior woman character.

The audience were still tossing out recs when I left, so I did not get them all, nor any possible closing remarks by the panelists.

#wiscon #wiscon 43 #queer representation #queer fiction #queerness #wc43

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helpingmehelpmyself · 3 years

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Things I Used to Enjoy- March 29, 2021

Gosh, I have so many things going through my head. I miss the days I was able to daydream, read fanfiction, and watch television. I remember the day would go by and I would question where the time went. But it felt like self care to me then and I enjoyed it. Now it feels like a useless distraction that no longer serves its purpose.

I want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I love fanfiction (particularly, Teen Wolf sterek fanfiction. I can also ship steter, starrish, and stackson. I believe they can all compliment Stiles well). I would squeel while reading and get excited every time I found a new fanfiction that fits my criteria. Sometimes I have good days in which I can read fanfiction and fall into the story.

I used to love daydreaming. My imagination is basically a fanfiction with ten or so fandoms running around with some cannon and non-cannon storylines. I liked falling asleep to my daydreams or staring at the wall while I daydreamed. I considered writing my daydreams down and turning them into a fanfiction for Ao3, but part of it feels personal. This is a world I have written and rewritten so many times since I was... 16, maybe? It’s easier to rewrite or follow through a storyline in my head than it is to write it down and focus on details that I never really focused on before. If your curious, my daydream fanfictions include the following fandoms: Teen Wolf, Scandal, Glee, Twilight, The Gentlemen, and Crazy Rich Asians. Occasionally, Beyonce’s Homecoming special and other things will make an appearance. I include most characters from these programs and create some OC’s in my head that have nothing to do with the other fandoms. Sometimes I’ll pluck someone from another place, like Carrie from Sex & The City but combine her with Isabel from Glee and mix up her storyline, or create a character with the appearance of a famous actor, like the original Mr. Fantastic actor.

I loved music. I could listen to music all day and enjoy myself. Sometimes it was the soundtrack to my imagination or I’d have some of my characters sing the songs I was listening to. I would listen to the same songs on repeat and create scenes with them and sometimes I’ll be able to add new music to the mix. If I wanted to listen to an album, I’d sit/lay down in my room and focus on nothing but the album. If there was an artist I liked and wanted to explore more of, I would go through their entire Spotify history and listen to every song at least once. I’d add it to my Liked Songs playlist because I am crap at creating playlists (minus the Boudoir playlist I made last year for my photoshoot, but that’s another story). Almost every song I have ever liked is on my Liked Songs. I think I have over a thousand songs on there, which is pretty decent. I kind of know where every song is located when it’s organized by Recently Added. Minus screamo, heavy metal, gangsta rap, underground music or electronic music, I listened to a little of everything. I loved Glee, Hamilton, Meg the Stalion, Kendrick Lamarr, the Civil Wars, early Taylor Swift, American Authors, Secondhand Serenade, G-Eazy, Mulatto, Into the Heights, Moana, Victorious, I could go on. Every song plays a part of my history and I love expanding it.

I can’t really do those things the same anymore and I wish I could. Writing fanfiction sounds like it could be a possibility for me because most of my life, I wanted to be a writer or be an editor. The fear of financial security made me switch to a business major and it didn’t make things any easier I find. I guess more approving nods from other adults about my choice in degree was a plus.

I can’t focus on my own daydreams anymore. It used to give me so much joy but it also reflected my emotions: horny, sad, in love, etc. The fact that I was able to create worlds that don’t exist to anyone but me made me happy. Sometimes when I wanted to be closer to God, I’d even deepen the relationship of some of my characters with God.

Music doesn’t sound the same anymore. I can’t focus to the point of slipping into happiness often.

I did have a good day the day before yesterday. I decided that maybe listening to the song that always lifted my spirits in the past, whether they needed lifting or not, would help. My song is “Do You Believe in Magic” by Aly & AJ. I don’t know what it is about that song but when I first heard it on Disney Channel when I was little for the movie, Now You See It. Something about that song was and still is special. I was able to sing horribly to the song. I was watching Freaky Friday that day and remembered how much Ultimate by Lindsey Lohan rocked. I was able to listen to that song and daydream a totally new scenario for my mental fanfiction characters. There was so much happiness and positivity in the scene.

That same day, when night fell, I felt so sad I made myself sick and was gagging in the toilet. I convinced myself not to make myself throw up because I don’t want that to become a habit. I don’t want to mentally make myself sick and think that throwing up every time will fix me. I felt like shit for hours later, but I was glad that I didn’t throw up. I knew I was in a bad enough position that I needed company. 2/3 of my best friends and one of their boyfriends showed up at my place, late at night and stayed with me for hours. We’d talk about the issues that were plaguing my mind and about 2 of them moving into a new apartment together.

I went back and forth from lying in the bathroom and lying in my bed. I don’t know why but whenever I was sick growing up, laying on the bathroom floor made me feel better. I know it is unsanitary and gross, but you get to a point that you don’t care. The bathroom has always felt safe for me. I still remember the first time I did it. My mom, brother, and I lived in an apartment about 20-30 minutes away from where we live now. I was getting ready for school one day and I guess I didn’t feel good. I laid down on the bathroom floor and that’s how my mom found me. She knew that this little 5 or 6 year old that never complained about school wasn’t faking anything. I think after that point, my mom became pretty trusting of me whenever I said I can’t go to school. Whether I was physically sick or needed a mental health day, she let it happen. I didn’t practice this often until I was junior high and high school, but it helped knowing my mom would let me take care of myself however I saw fit. I think she also didn’t want to have to keep taking off of work to pick me up from school.

The issues that brought me to tears were my boyfriend, the love of my life. I have only dated one boy before him. That was back in high school and I liked that I had a boyfriend more than I actually liked my boyfriend. We had been friends for years and were in speech and debate together. I asked him to my prom and, due to a misunderstanding, he never replied. When we realized the misunderstanding, he asked me to his prom (We went to two different schools) which was fun. It was at a country club, his parents had dinner catered to their house for us (very successful accountants) and we got some cute pictures from that night. I found myself bored with the relationship and knew ending it wouldn’t affect my quality of life within that moment. So I did. Now he is happily out as gay with his partner of 3 years and starting Harvard Law in the fall. I kind of like that fact and it made it easier to be friends with him on Facebook and Instagram again.

But back to my current boyfriend, the boy I didn’t think that I would fall for. To make our love story short (I’ll probably go into more in another post), we met on Tinder 2.5 years ago when the guy I was talking to/dating previously decided to go back to his toxic/abusive ex-girlfriend. I was talking to my soon-to-be boyfriend and another guy at the time and my boyfriend was the one that lasted. I remember that I would message every Tinder match with “Aye” because everyone wants the other person to start the conversation or else there won’t be a conversation. He responded with “I love your smile. It’s so positive” and that was my downward spiral. We’re pretty good at communication and we are a good match for each other. We both come from mostly different backgrounds, racially and socially. Sometimes there are things about me he’ll never understand, but making strong friends with people who weren’t racially the same as me kind of prepared me for that.

Anyways, he wants to be a doctor of osteopathic medicine (still don’t know what that is) and go to med school for it a year after our undergrad. I don’t plan on starting grad school right now because I am not fully sure what I want to do with my career just yet. I’m not going to put myself in more debt or spend more time in school without a reason. Anyways, not many medical schools in our state offer the certification he’d need so he’s even looking at schools out of state. I have always wanted to go with him and support him through it while I start my career, but as that time draws closer, I find myself unsure of myself.

I need a lot of attention and am very sociable. I know when he goes to med school, he won’t be able to give me as much attention and he can’t really be faulted for that. It probably won’t get any easier once he does his residency and beyond. Despite being sociable, I have created a support network of my family and friends (we’ve been together for like 10 years). It’s to a point that I can socialize with other people with the idea that they are going to be acquaintances or somewhat distant friends. I usually know what kind of friend I want people to be before or during meeting them. But my dependency on my support network is so... strong that it kind of messed up a very big job opportunity for me a few years ago. I am afraid of having to make new connections again once we move away. Regardless if he choses a school in our state or not, we’d have to move. I don’t want him to be my only social connection, but am also afraid of making new ones.

I made a list of all the things that scared me with possible solutions in which moving away with him was on it. I wrote that I would try to connect with coworkers (I can’t imagine and kind of don’t want to be best friends with a coworker. You never know when play ends and work begins) and neighbors. I don’t even talk to my neighbors now. I thought I could bake my famous browned butter salted chocolate chip cookies and share them with people, hoping that it would be the start of something. I’ve picked up random conversations with random people before so hopefully I can still do that (I stopped the whole “don’t talk to strangers” thing when I was like 19).

These solutions made sense to me and I hoped that by writing it down, I could move on with my life. That wasn’t the case. I became so focused on would by current boyfriend be able to meet my needs in the future and whether I’d be strong enough to let him go if it was impossible. I found myself loving him more than I loved myself and make decisions on bettering myself for him. Covid Vaccine? For him. Finding a good job? For him. I don’t want to love someone else more than I love myself. I don’t want these decisions to be based on another person. I want to chose what is right for me for me and not someone else.

I wasn’t this way before my boyfriend. I actually avoided being in a relationship for a few years because I didn’t think I’d enter one for the right reason. Usually, I put myself and my happiness first. When I decided I was ready to care for another person, my boyfriend wasn’t the first guy I chose. I didn’t know he’d become the love of my life. I didn’t know that we’d want the same exact thing from our relationship and have active, open communication about or wants and needs from the other person. I craved his attention, always wanted to be around him, and didn’t even stop talking about him our first year together. I am better now, but he still finds way into my conversations because he’s what makes me happy.

I’m not upset that I love him. I wouldn’t take that back. I just wish that I was enough for myself again in which I could make decisions for me and stand by them. I want to create the life I want and I want him a part of it. But if that’s not God’s Plan, can I let go of him? In all honesty, I’d rather be miserable with him with occasional happiness than miserable without him. Maybe that’s too strong of a statement so don’t take that at full face value.

I want to be able to figure this out while we are still together, but mentally I keep thinking I have a time frame to “fix myself”. At the same time, I know I don’t because I know mental health doesn’t work that way. I have the ability to take the time I need to take care of myself again which I am grateful for. It’s like having an adult and child in my mind. The child is crying all of my fears and anxieties while the adult is trying to calm them down with reasoning. I am thankful that I am at least this aware of my mental state. I can understand when something is anxiety or depression, name it, and although I am stuck with it, I try not to fall too deep in it.

I still have hope things will get better and I won’t always feel this way. Hope and faith is all I have some days and that’s okay. I am one day closer to being the me I want to be.

#helping me help myself #mental health #anxiety #depression #blog #fanfiction #music #support

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hikaru9 · 7 years

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About Malec, Part 1: Alec’s character development

Chapter 5 of the “About Magnus” meta series. Some friends pointed out that I didn’t write about Malec yet so I decided to do so. This one will be show based (for once I’m separating books and show, because the dynamics are completely different). Thanks to my beta readers again <3

I think that in order to understand Malec (how the relationship started and why; their love for each other, etc.) it is necessary to understand first Alec and Magnus as separated individuals. The situations they find themselves in and their emotional turmoil influence how they behave (in general, but also towards people and each other specifically) and can explain certain reactions. I decided thus to analyze (a bit) their character development, which is, to me, one of the most important aspects in a book, show or movie.

“Character development” refers to the psychological journey the characters go through, changing from behaviour A to behaviour B and becoming somehow a different person by the end of the journey itself, even though they retain most of their positive features. It is one of the most interesting aspects because, we as the audience, learn to notice mistakes and see how they react and try to (hopefully) be better people, like anyone should do in real life.

Alec and Magnus in (early) season 1 are very different from the Alec and Magnus versions of season 2, and even then they keep on changing and becoming better people. They still retain all of their positive aspects (helping people, etc.), however the progressive growth they are going through changes how they behave. Let’s take a look at Alec first, who is the one that probably changed the most.

Quotes from:

Shadowhunters TV Show – Season 1, Episode 03 “Dead Man's Party” Shadowhunters TV Show – Season 1, Episode 04 “Raising Hell” Shadowhunters TV Show – Season 1, Episode 05 “Moo Shu to Go” Shadowhunters TV Show – Season 1, Episode 06 “Of Men and Angels” Shadowhunters TV Show – Season 1, Episode 07 “Major Arcana” Shadowhunters TV Show – Season 1, Episode 08 “Rise Up” Shadowhunters TV Show – Season 1, Episode 12 “Malec”

1. Pre-Malec: How Alec was

From episode 1x01 to 1x04, the show establishes pretty clearly who Alec is. First, he’s a soldier and a born Shadowhunter. He’s used to following orders and doing what his leaders expect him to do, because it is the way he was taught. Having an important family name makes it even more crucial to know how to be a good Shadowhunter. He is a leader (he acts as Head of the Institute when his parents are not around) and can clearly take things in his hands and decide what to do next; his decisions always conform to the Shadowhunters’ view and, more specifically, to the Law. His opinion on Downworlders mirrors what everybody in the Shadowhunter society say, because he doesn’t know any better and he has no reason to doubt what people think.

“And we can't react without considering our options. Downworlders are slaves to their emotions. We are not.” – 1x03

He is used to not doubting at all the orders he receives nor the supposed truth about what he has been taught. He knows what his duty towards his Shadowhunter life and his family is, as his mother tells him in episode 1x05:

“Life is not about what you want to do, it is about what must be done” – (1x05)

Being a “good follower” and even a better soldier leads to knowing one’s own place. That also means hiding things from plain sight to avoid conflict or useless discussions. As a consequence, he learned to hide what he thinks and what his gut tells him because following orders (and being a good Shadowhunter soldier) is his normal life. That, however, influences also his personal behaviour.

Alec is shy and not very good at socializing outside (and let’s face it, even inside) the Institute. He doesn’t seem to be good at handling new things, people and situations, because “normal” feels good and safe for the feelings and thoughts he is hiding. As Isabelle says in 1x04, he “bottles things up”:

He never vents it out when he’s emotionally upset.

Isabelle: “You know you would be a lot happier if you weren't so freaking repressed” (1x03)

He hides what he feels from everyone (Jace and Isabelle included) and tries not to face them himself.

Isabelle: “You're hiding from yourself, not me.” Isabelle: “You have feelings whether you like them or not, Alec” (1x03)

He lashes out, or makes sarcastic comments when he doesn’t agree or something upset him. That is because he doesn’t know how to express what he has inside.

Isabelle: “You can’t keep bottling things up Alec. It’s a matter of time before they explode” (1x04)

He tries to reason with the people he loves (Izzy and Jace) but he doesn’t tell the real reason why he doesn’t agree or doesn’t like something.

He doesn’t accept things about himself when they don’t follow what is “normal” for the Shadowhunter society and what people expect from him (the importance of duty, hence the proposal to Lydia in episode 1x08 to restore his family name).

Magnus: “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Alec.” Alec: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Magnus: “You will” (1x04)

He doesn’t want things to change because he is afraid of rejection if he follows his instincts.

2. The importance of 1x04, part 1: Things ARE changing

Episode 1x04 is a turning point for Alec, because what he’s hiding inside (his feelings for Jace, being gay, not following his instincts but doing what he thinks is wrong anyway) are being exposed for anyone to see. His fear of having everything in the open causes a bit of trouble (they “lose” the demon who had Clary’s memories and Jace almost got hurt in the process). “Normal” is slipping from his grasp and the main reason why that is happening is Clary. Clary entering their lives changes all the dynamics of their situation and routine. Isabelle says it in episode 1x04:

“Before Clary got here, every day was the same. Go on a mission, kill demons. Go on a mission, kill demons. At least now things are interesting.” (1x04)

Before Clary everything was boring, they were always working and having no fun at all, but since Clary became part of their group, it’s all more interesting. Clary is changing everything: she’s questioning the apparent peace they had in the Shadowhunter world, she’s stressing their duty towards humanity, she’s shaking the Institute and she’s changing Jace.

Even if Alec doesn’t like what’s happening, he tries to help nonetheless, because Jace asks him to; however, in truth, he doesn’t want anything to do with the current changing. In fact, he seems to be at ease only in the scene in episode 1x03 when he’s killing vampires with Izzy (“This is fun”) because it feels like a normal routine in his Shadowhunter-soldier life.

In spite of that, things are coming to the surface after the whole “retrieving memories” moment at the end of episode 1x04. Usually, when the situation gets out of his control he reacts in two ways:

When people point out something is bothering him or they ask him why he behaves in certain ways (closing off, lashing out) he doesn’t answer and he usually runs away so he doesn’t have to explain (see episode 1x03, both when Izzy tries to make him talk about what he feels and at the end with Jace);

When he, himself, is faced with the realness of his feelings (being gay, in love with Jace but not ready to tell him) he denies completely and puts walls between himself and his own heart (see episode 1x04, at the end with Magnus).

There are two reasons why he behaves like that:

He’s simply scared. He’s scared people would reject him, change their minds about him, or think less of him. He doesn’t understand it yet and he doesn’t know that his family actually love him for who he is.

The Shadowhunter society is not directly and openly against LGBT+ people, however they expect Shadowhunters to marry, have children and continue their fight (so they indirectly discourage LGBT+ Shadowhunters). Alec knows that, by being gay and, above all, by dating a Downworlder, he could “ruin it all” (like he says to Magnus in episode 1x12 before the wedding).

3. The importance of 1x04, part 2: Meeting Magnus

Episode 1x04 is a changing point also because Alec meets Magnus. For the first time in four episodes, we see a genuine smile on Alec’s face when he greets Magnus. It’s not only because he may find him attractive, it’s also because for once he’s not thinking, or rather, overthinking: he’s not stopping himself and what he’s feeling.

Both are intrigued by each other when Magnus teases him throughout the episode, Alec shrugs at Izzy and an offended Jace (who, for once, is not at the centre of it all): he is not used to flirting or teasing and he both doesn’t know what to do and is in denial about what is happening. He probably thinks that ignoring it will make it less important. Alec is clearly inexperienced and maybe not ready but meeting Magnus is somehow a blessing to finally face his most hidden fear: putting everything in the open. In fact, MAGNUS is the starting point of Alec’s character development.

4. The consequences

Episode 1x05 deals with the consequences of the initial character development. 1x04 broke Alec’s normality. In episode 1x05 he faces the fact that what he wants to do doesn’t always correspond to what the Clave would say to do. He tries to make everyone understand that and he states to Clary:

“Emotions are nothing but a distraction. You are ruled by them. We are taught to control them:” (1x05)

But Clary clearly retorts that it’s not working well with Alec. And for once, Alec listens. He is already changing (episode 1x04 started his character development) and for the first time, instead of lashing out or forget about what happened, he actually acts on it. Thus, some minutes later, after so long, he finally tries to confess. There is the perfect opportunity to tell Jace what he feels: he brings up the fact that he was upset about what happened with the Memory Demon. Jace plays oblivious, of course, to what Alec is trying to say (in episode 1x09, when they fight, it’s clear that Jace knows. He probably didn’t know how to handle it either), and Alec is almost there, more ready than any other time in his entire life, to finish what that situation with the demon started, and he hopes somehow that Jace understands it and figures it out on his own, but alas he doesn’t. In the end, Alec loses the moment and he doesn’t state clearly what is bothering him. Not everything went wrong anyway: for the first time Alec managed to actually talk about what he feels and not hide everything inside. This tiny change leads to an important scene later on: Magnus calls Alec to ask him if he wants to have a drink together. And, this time, Alec doesn’t shy away: he actually accepts. If you think about it, it is like that Memory Demon, by taking a memory away and putting it in front of everyone, opened a door in Alec’s heart, an escape, a let out, to finally try to understand his feelings and deal with them. That doesn’t mean everything will be perfect from now on, but Alec’s behaviour by the end of episode 1x05 and during 1x06 changes already, if compared to episodes 1x01 to 1x04.

In episode 1x06, when duty knocks again on his door to demand him to make a sacrifice (basically his life, since his parents want to arrange a marriage to restore their family name) he explodes at last.

Alec: I have followed every rule. I've given up everything! Isabelle: We'll find a way out of this. Alec: Screw the rules. Screw them. Screw all of this. (1x06)

He does what he WANTS, not what the Shadow World expects him to do, so he goes to Jace, who asked for his help earlier, and accepts Magnus’s request that he’d be there to assist in curing Luke (who was wounded by the previous alpha of the pack). This time, he runs from his duty, not his guts and instincts, and he does it rightly so because he helps by sharing his energy. Alec is already different from the version of him we met during the previous episode, and we can notice that even more at the end of 1x06 when he drinks and talks with Magnus for the whole night. The initial conversation seems to mirror the one he had with Jace in 1x05 but this time the outcome is very different: although Alec doesn’t manage yet to state clearly WHY he showed up at Magnus’s and he’s there having a drink with him, Magnus understands. He understands Alec is new at this, that he needs time to come to terms with his feelings, that he is not good at voicing his emotions. So, to help, he simply announces that he likes Alec from the moment he saw him, that he “unlocked something” inside him after almost a century of closing off, that, somehow, Alec is special. Alec NEEDS to hear these words, he needs people to make him understand CLEARLY where they stand so that he can think about what to do. Magnus takes even a step further, and he tells him he’ll wait: Alec can have a drink and decide whatever he wants to do. Adapting to Alec’s confusion and helping to sort his feelings is exactly the kind of behaviour a person should embrace if they want to be with Alec. Magnus tells him clearly where he stands, dissipating his confusion and gives him time to sort it out, something he still has to learn. That door that the Memory Demon unlocked is opening wider thanks both to Alec’s courage to start taking things in his hands and to Magnus for understanding.

5. Second turning point: Episode 1x08

The problems knock on his door again because of circumstances. Although he starts to share some (very few) details about his personal life with Isabelle in episode 1x07, indicating a possible different approach to his hidden side (he says he drank some cocktails with Magnus and “nothing else happened”, to which Izzy answers “Whenever you’re ready to talk about whatever you need to talk about, I’m here”), the Shadow World doesn’t stop to wait for Alec to adapt. Because of the several unauthorized missions Alec (and the others) went with and the return of Valentine and his active Circle members, the honor of the Lightwood name is questioned by the Clave who send Lydia Branwell to take control of the New York Institute. Furthermore, he discovers (through Lydia) that his parents were former Circle members. It’s like a cold shower for Alec: this is the first time that he’s confronted with the fact that both the Clave and his parents can be at fault. That automatically means that maybe, maybe, what he has been taught isn’t always correct, since this time, for example, the Clave is not trusting the Lightwoods even if they did nothing wrong; moreover his parents did horrible deeds in the past with Valentine. As a consequence, everything else can be wrong too, everything that he believed was right (his thoughts on the Downworlders, on the duty he has towards the Shadow World and his family, the supposed “wrongness” of his feelings for Jace). In fact, in episode 1x08, he vents it out to Magnus (he finally talks about what he feels, notice, and it is with Magnus, not with Izzy or anyone else):

Alec: “It’s like my whole life has been a lie.” [...] “I’ve done everything for my parents, for the Clave and… I’ve done everything that they’ve asked.” Magnus: “Maybe you should start living for yourself. Do what’s in your heart.” Alec: “I can’t believe I’m saying this. I think you’re right.” (1x08)

After episode 1x04, this is the second turning point for Alec: he admits that the way he is living is not healthy nor correct. He seems ready to change (of course, not immediately or suddenly, he needs time to adapt) and he understands that maybe he should listen more to what is inside his heart and not what his leaders tell him to do. This would also mean listen to his instincts more, instead of suppressing them.

However, there are a lot of problems to face, and the first is the fact that Lydia is officially the new Head of the Institute and the Lightwoods have been demoted. Alec reacts by following his instinct (“Do what’s in your heart”) and he tries to restore the honour of his family name by giving back the Institute to the Lightwoods. People seemed to be confused as to why Alec proposed to Lydia back in the days, after he had that chat with Magnus, but it is actually a clever follow up. Character development, when well done, is slow and full of obstacles. Even though Alec is opening up, that doesn’t mean we should expect him to be completely different from one episode to another, or from a situation to the other. Alec is learning and adapting and he’s becoming a new person: the Alec of episode 1 would have never proposed to Lydia. By proposing to her, he manages to destroy the Clave’s intent of deposing the Lightwoods, because, by marrying the current Head of the Institute, his family will be on top of the game once again. This means that for the first time (let’s face it, the unauthorized missions don’t really count. In there he broke the rules, but never the Law, as he says to Jace in episode 1x09) he’s going AGAINST the Clave. THIS is a new Alec. Thus, it confirms that he’s doing what he thinks is right. However, we shouldn’t think that by knowing he should respect himself more and do what he WANTS to do, he would immediately date Magnus, forget about Jace and leave his family to deal with the “Downworlder” affairs his family is involved with (see episode 1x08 and Izzy’s supposed fault, according to the Clave, for having a relationship with Meliorn). We are talking about Alec and, as I said at the beginning, characters usually retain their positive features by the end of their character development. One of Alec’s positive aspects is the devotion, respect and love he has for his family. He would do anything for his parents and his siblings. And this could also mean sacrificing himself, something that he was always aware of and ready to do. By marrying Lydia, he not only manages to ruin the Clave’s plans, he is also able to save his family’s reputation. THAT is also what is inside his heart and it is exactly what he says to Lydia: “I have to follow my heart”.

In season 2, we know that when Alec “follows his gut” it’s usually a good thing: Alec is a good leader and choice maker, and, most of the time (not always) he ends up doing something good. At this point of season 1, however, Alec “following his heart” (and gut by making an impulsive choice/proposal) is actually not a good thing for him. Why? Because he is trying to have it all. He’s stuck in between the old Alec and the new version of himself: between duty, tradition and obeying orders within the Shadow World and voicing his opinion.

His character development is currently in this phase in season 2 as well, hence the “obeying orders” in episode 2x13. Sometimes it is inevitable to fall back in one’s older self, because the change is not complete yet. It can happen and, if you think about it, it always will. We are not machines, we make mistakes all the time. The difference is that Alec, in season 2, knows himself better and can react quicker and amend sooner. In season 1, it takes FOUR episodes but that’s also because of the circumstances. Anyway, it is not a bad thing being in the middle of his old and new self. The problem arises when he tries to adapt his new self to his old one’s habits: he’s following his instinct in the wrong way by trying to be more traditional and more dutiful and, even more importantly, he is still denying his feelings, his sexual orientation by hiding everything. That is the essential difference between Alec in late season 1 and season 2: although in season 2 he still makes his “old” mistakes, Alec knows what he fought for and what he WANTS and he’s trying to pursue that, without hiding, without shame, without compromising. He knows his happiness is more important than any supposed truthful duty: he understood that sacrificing one’s self for the wrong assumptions is not living.

Late season 1 Alec is still processing everything and he’s coming to terms with the fact that what he’s choosing is not happiness, it’s still duty (thus, he’s reversing to his old self, even if he’s trying to be better by voicing his opinions). In fact, he knows the proposal is wrong because during episode 1x09 he’s really nervous. When he meets Magnus in the episode, he doesn’t look him in the eyes and runs away (see the beginning: it is one of his traits when emotions are about to explode in the open) and he snaps at his siblings once again. When he announces to Magnus he’s marrying Lydia, he is having a difficult time making him understand, because his own arguments sounds unconvincing even to his own ears and he knows he’s closing that door that was left open in the previous episodes for him to act on.

In 1x10 they finally have a proper discussion about it and Magnus tries to make him understand why it is so wrong to marry Lydia:

“You'll be lonely all your life, and so will she. Neither of you deserve it. And I don't either.” (1x10)

Alec doesn’t answer, he doesn’t snap, he doesn’t run away. He KNOWS what Magnus is saying is correct, that he’s ruining his life by choosing to hide again, but it still is a difficult decision to call off.

6. Closing the circle: the importance of 1x12

Episode 1x12, the “Malec” and “wedding” episode, sanctions Alec’s character development. From this episode there’s no turning back and Alec is finally able to take some step forward like he did in 1x04. Alec is irrevocably different from his older version after what happens in this episode: he’s finally at peace with himself although he’s still learning how to deal with his emotions. Doubt is at the centre of it all: there are three scenes in which Alec tells people he’s sure he’s doing the right thing. His arguments come off as very rehearsed: it is like he thought at length about the whole situation and he tried to CONVINCE himself what he is doing is the right thing.

In the first scene he’s with Magnus. He tries to explain that it is his duty to make his family proud.

“I'm a Shadowhunter. This is about family, tradition, honor,...”

Magnus answers by making him understand that following rules and trying to fulfill his duty by hiding what he really feels is not honorable at all.

Magnus: “Honor? Where's the honor in living a lie?” Alec: “What are you talking about?” Magnus: “What about love? Even Shadowhunters fall in love Alec.”

Alec is torn. That is the point where he is in his character development: he’s torn between following what his older self would do and what his new self knows would be best. Magnus voices all the arguments that his new self, heart and mind, is telling him so he just answers with: "You're confusing me". By the end of the discussion, the truth comes out:

“Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you? I have to do what is right for me. I could lose my family, my career, everything!”

He admits, somehow, that he feels something for Magnus but that he’s stuck in his traditions and duty. There’s no escape and he’s too afraid to lose everything for something that he still doesn’t understand. It seems he doesn’t know how to get out from the situation he created himself.

In the second important scene, this time with Izzy, it is clearly shown that he doesn’t like the idea of the wedding at all.

Alec: “This wedding is becoming more of a headache than I had planned.” Isabelle: “Alec, you don't have to go through with this if you don't want to.” Alec: “It's what I want.”

However, he immediately answers that “it is” what he wants, and again, that seems like his old self answering, like an automatization.

The third scene, with Jace, confirms this:

Alec: “It’s confusing" [...] “You know it's like, you have this plan for your life, and you know what you need to do, and what your responsibilities are. And you think, you know, “If you follow the rules, everything's gonna be fine”. Then somebody comes along and pushes you off that path. […] The point is, we're Shadowhunters. Emotions get in the way. And if you get knocked off the path, you have to focus and find your way back.”

This is basically the summary of Alec’s character development until now. He followed the rules for all his life and then these unknown and unwanted feelings made him question everything. Right now he’s struggling because he’s trying to get back to the way things were. Jace understands and points out:

Jace: “I mean, you still have to be true to yourself.” Alec: “I am. I’m fulfilling my duty.”

His answer is not entirely a lie. Alec is TRULY honorable and dutiful: remember, he’s a soldier. He knows what he has to do and what the Shadow World expects him to do. However, it is also, in part, a lie: what he is doing it’s true to his OLD self, the one who didn’t want to acknowledge what was inside him, the one who followed almost blindly the Law. This Alec is different and by fulfilling his supposed duty, he’s not completely being true to his new self. The moment when he chooses his own happiness opposed to living a “lie” and a miserable life is the exact moment where his character development goes further. He takes a step ahead toward his new identity.

Alec: “I can't do this. I thought we were doing the right thing but, this isn't it.” Lydia: “You deserve to be happy.”

Alec is choosing honor and duty, but TOWARD HIMSELF. He’s doing this for himself and him only, not even for Magnus. He knows he needs to respect himself and stop trying to make everyone else happy (he says so to Maryse right after: “This isn’t about you”). This is very difficult to understand and acknowledge and the fact that Alec finally does is very important.

“I'm the same person I've always been. Now everything's just out in the open.” (1x12)

7. Season 2: The aftermath

There are a lot of characters and other protagonists in the show and, being a show, character development is usually slowly constructed. This means that a specific character is not always changing. Season 1 proved that Alec had specific moments where he needed to learn and move on, and it is the same in season 2 as well. The main difference between the two is that season 1 had to establish the WHOLE beginning of the character development, which takes way more time than following the same character in his adjustments after the initial change. Thus, season 2 is based on steps:

Alec learning how to express himself. Before, he snapped and ran away; at the moment, if he feels strong emotions, he actually searches for help. When Jace was missing at the beginning of season 2, he goes to Magnus’s apartment to vent things out, and they talk.

He’s able to understand emotions better and he’s not ashamed of them. Episode 2x07 is a very important episode for both Alec’s and Magnus’s character developments. During those moments, he moves forward his new self: first, he acknowledges that his feelings for Magnus are true, important and are not going away. Second, he talks to Izzy about his thoughts on having sex and the importance of his relationship with Magnus. Izzy embodies his character development in that moment: she tells him that if his heart, his instincts, are telling him that it is the right thing to do, then he should follow his thoughts and do it. Stop overthinking, stop feeling insecure. And he does. It doesn’t take four episodes to do it: he just does. Following what his heart believes is right (and not what his duty tells him) and asking advice on that is something that early season 1 Alec would have never done.

In fact, he asks for advice several times through season 2. He talks to Jace about being a better Shadowhunter and a good leader, and he always turns to Isabelle for advice on his relationship. Although he has specific and clear ideas about situations, he still talks to his siblings to know their point of views. Their thoughts lead him to ponder over everything and act in the right way (for example, in 2x15 Isabelle tells him to push Magnus to reveal what’s wrong instead of giving him time, like Alec intended to. He follows Izzy’s advice and he manages to breach Magnus’s walls).

He recognizes something is wrong immediately. It still takes him some time to understand how to rebel or react to a situation he thinks is wrong but within the Law. He knew something was wrong with Magnus and Valentine in 2x12, but he had no evidence but his gut. The circumstances were too dangerous to call everything off based only on a “wrong feeling” so he didn’t act on it. He knew asking Magnus's DNA was wrong as well, yet he didn’t know how to refuse without sounding biased. So he follows his orders, like he’s used to, and shuts down that voice that tells him he’s doing something ill. He acknowledges his mistakes and says sorry every single time.

He is going towards this kind of situation (although he still struggles along the way):

However, as you may notice, Alec’s character development in season 2 is immensely more linked to Malec and his stable relationship with Magnus, than his behaviour with himself and all the people around him. The moment with the Memory Demon and Magnus entering his life, being that “somebody” that “comes along and pushes you off that path” (of following rules) were the reasons behind his initial change and the whole starting of his character development. During season 2 it’s more centered on how he reacts to his first serious relationship (and let’s face it, it is more about Magnus’s character development than Alec’s, overall), thus I’ll focus on more details in the Malec meta.

Note:

It’s very interesting to notice how Alec and Isabelle’s character developments mirror each other. I’m going to be brief because it would need an analysis of its own but if you think about it, Alec and Isabelle basically switch places through the episodes.

At the beginning of season 1, Alec is closed off, he’s not sure of himself, he never smiles and he’s very unhappy. He's in a very dark place mentally, and maybe the worst he has ever been. On the other hand, Isabelle is very open to friendship and relationships, she often smiles, she’s having fun with Clary and her siblings and seems rather content with her life. As season 1 develops, Alec changes and Isabelle begins her journey as well: she’s still very open about her feelings (she always tells Alec about her personal life) and passionate of her thoughts (she defends the Downworlders all the time). However, as Alec starts to open up to the world, to go off “the right path”, as he calls it, and he learns not to follow the rules all the time, Isabelle begins to close off, go ON “the right path” (she breaks up with Meliorn since her parents tell her the Lightwood name has been tainted because of her relationships with Downworlders, when we know it was the Clave blackmailing them) and she tries to follow the rules more diligently. While she breaks up with Meliorn and stops her romantic relationship with a Downworlder, Alec develops a romantic interest for one. In season 2, Alec is clearly happier (after the problem with finding Jace), he’s more keen on revealing his feelings and reaches out to Isabelle to discuss his problems and private life (the advice on having sex with Magnus). On the other hand, Isabelle doesn’t talk to Alec as often as before, and she doesn’t share her problem with the yin fen even though Alec noticed something was wrong and is clearly worried. As the episodes go on, Alec becomes more sure of himself, while Isabelle reaches her worst situation ever and questions herself more often.

#Shadowhunters #Alec Lightwood #Magnus Bane #Malec #nephilimdaily #Isabelle Lightwood #Jace Wayland #meta #my metas #About Magnus meta #character development

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yoija · 5 years

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My Health 2016-2018

12/19/18

There’s a lot to uncover here. I do a lot of self-reflection so I’ve realized a lot about myself and my past and why I am the way I am. This post is to record how I feel about it current day, as a third year college student. I’m not really that articulate, but I’ll try my best here. It’s very long.

In 2016, I had just graduated high school and was in the process of transitioning to college: from an overbearingly protective and stubborn yet loving mother to completely new social environment. I lost contact with many of my old friends. My major started off as Neuroscience & Physiology (which falls under biology) because I fell into the pressures of becoming a doctor. Mentally, I had an incredibly difficult time especially my first year.

Transitioning from a high school where over half of the students qualified for free or reduced food to a (semi-)prestigious UC in STEM? Fucking hard. I remember on my UC application, they asked whether our school had access to resources. I mean, it’s the only thing I know, so I thought the several AP classes and minimal counselor guidance we had at Yerba Buena High School were enough. Of course it wasn’t. We were often belittled by teachers subliminally and it influenced us (or at least, me) to prefer to be less articulate because I was afraid I would use it wrong or what not. I’m from the bay, so hip hop and slang culture was considered cool. Who the fuck wanted to be a nerd? I was too intimidated and scared to be articulate. This lead to not practicing academic language and analyzing on the spot. I hated asking questions, but I realized in college people say dumb shit all the time so I don’t even know why I was so afraid of being wrong. Also, at home, I was silenced a lot by my mom. It pushed me even more to stay quiet and just do things that made me feel smart, or rather to hide that I felt dumb. Hiding clickers. Not asking questions. Leaving discussion right away instead of asking questions. In high school, it was cool to not ask questions and not care about school.

I felt so out of place at UCSD. I couldn’t speak the way that they spoke. It’s not that I’m not smart. I do believe I am. But I felt I didn’t have that practice of being WRONG, so it prevented me from being right. Maybe it was just me being insecure rather than my upbringing. Who knows. There are tons of articulate people unafraid to ask questions from my high school so maybe I’m making excuses. I was already struggling with academics because I just wanted to feel like I belonged and I didn’t ask questions and it was dumb not to.

Fall quarter - I believe I had mostly Cs and a B. Felt like a damn failure. All the times my teachers and mom and relatives told me I was smart? You were all wrong. I found solace in games. I started this game, Latale, when I was 10. I’ve played it on and off, but I went back to it beginning of Fall since I could escape my academics. I even made friends. I was really able to connect with someone from the guild–Jeff. I might’ve even had a small crush on him. He had a crush on this other girl, sang a song for her that he sent to me for quality check.Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae. I continued to talked to my guildies during the break as I cut ties with many of my high school friends for other reasons. The end of winter break came. I went back to school. A message from our Discord from someone who came on not so frequently: “Hey, I’m Jeff’s irl friend. I just wanted to let you guys know since I know he was close with you guys that he had a heart attack and died yesterday.”

I spiraled into a depression. I couldn’t even fathom it until two weeks later when I eventually broke down and sobbed for hours. I didn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t. It was just. So hard. I didn’t know him for long, sure, whatever. Internet friend. But he was the only stagnant aspect of my life since I was in high school. I barely talked to my old high school friends when I was in college. I wasn’t close to the one friend I had in San Diego. I had Jeff, and my guildies. Then, Jeff was gone. I had no one. Truly, no one.

Did I even want to be a doctor? Did I even like STEM? I felt so worthless. I felt like I was worth absolutely NOTHING. No one checked up on me. No one said anything to me. I tried joining clubs. I already had social anxiety, so it really didn’t help. I started focusing on working out a bit, but honestly, my depression really took over. I hated what I was learning. I felt alone. I was alone. No one really knew or understood me. I was also queer (pan) and didn’t really come to terms with it.

Somehow I got my first A in BILD 3: Environmental science. Right at the end - spring quarter. My GPA was 3.6 for spring, and I took STEM classes! I was so happy. I’ve always loved learning about environmental science. I started thinking about switching, but it wasn’t economical. But that’s when it began: maybe I shouldn’t be a doctor. Summer came, got a job at Target which was right next to the Hillsdale 24 hour fitness gym. That summer I gymmed with Isabelle from 12-4 am sometimes. Sometimes we’d talk, sometimes we’d be productive. I got more into cardio.

Started my second year of college. I was already in the habit of gymming. It wasn’t a hassle for me. Fall quarter, I joined VSA. Met really fucking cool people. Finally I had friends. I became close to mostly 4 people in Fall/Winter: Valerie, Thuy, Ashley, & Nick.

1. Valerie is really similar to me. I see a lot of myself in her. Has this really excitable and dorky, sometimes childish and overly cute, outer layer. Though I didn’t really see the appeal at first (probably because I used to do that and I didn’t like myself for it), I found out we had a lot in common. We eat vegetarian sometimes, we both like to create. We’re both gay but usually go for guys. Also, she was a theatre major. The first creative/art major I actually got to know. I’ll get more into it later. Though she and I share many insecurities, she is quite confident in her decisions and inspires me to be confident in myself as well.

2. Thuy, who came from an art high school and dresses up really well. Wild colors with short hair. A ball of fury and intelligence and passion. CS major. Fucking smart. Witty and funny. Gay as hell. I got really close with Thuy because sometimes I speak in circles yet she really understands exactly what I’m saying. She doesn’t downplay my intelligence. We see eye to eye often.

3. Ashley, fucking hilarious and really smart. Texan. Gay as fuck too. Cultured in the arts. She also sees eye-to-eye and honestly really inspires me to speak my mind and not be afraid of being humorous and satirical while also being smart. Also, Ashley and Thuy were people who love RPDR, which is problematically my favorite show. An outlet, thank god. We don’t talk often, but when we do it’s really fucking good and below the surface. I can always depend on her to spill tea but also get really deep and fulfilling conversations.

4. Nick is stupid at times, but he is really inspiring for his physical journey. I can talk to him because he really reminds me of some people back home. He’s really dumb and goofy like them too, so it’s nice not to be so surrounded by people afraid to be dumb (UC kids).

Anyway, the culmination of their presence really influenced me to find myself. I began thinking about not being STEM. At this point, I worked out whenever I had anxiety which was often. While I was making physical progress on my body (at my peak, I was ~170 lbs at 5′5″/5′6″), I saw myself making mental progress. Nearing the end of winter quarter, I gained a lot of confidence in myself because of the people around me. I became more confident in my art. I never pursued it because I was adamantly STEM (I had pressures from old friends to stay in STEM too), so anytime I felt my art was bad, I told myself, “It’s just a hobby. I’m not serious about it so that’s why it’s bad.”

Nearing the end of winter quarter, I had a huge mental breakdown. I started ochem and physics and lab. I just couldn’t take it. I could never work in a lab environment, and you won’t make it into pharm/medical school if you don’t want to be a pharmacist or doctor. I talked to Valerie about hating STEM and maybe thinking about switching right before a meeting runthrough.

I was a VSA intern, and after runthrough I couldn’t make it to GBM. I had to leave. I immediately went to Geisel. I had the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had in my life. Hyperventilating, extremely high heart rate. Grinding my nails into my skin. I couldn’t be STEM. I don’t want to be a doctor. I don’t want to be in research. I hate labs. I had a hookup phase here. Honestly I just wanted intimacy, but people wanted more. But at the same time, I really wanted to feel.. wanted. I had felt so alone for so long. It was nice now that people considered me pretty and wanted me. That was toxic for me, but it continued.

My GPA was ok. 3.1. I’m sure I could’ve graduated on time and everything if I had pursued STEM. But my work ethic, it just wasn’t there. I had no motivation to study, ever. I felt dumb, but I realized maybe- 1. okay, admittedly, I’m not the smartest, so I do have to work for knowledge but 2. my work ethic reflected my desire for this career.

I knew it was time for a change. I considered being an environmental science major. I thought I’d at least stay in STEM and get a BS while working on my art because art can be improved anytime. I switched to being a media major 2 weeks later because I realized I just wanted to use my time in college while my housing and education is covered to truly work on my art.

I started dressing the way I wanted to- loud and proud. Bright. Unapologetically confident. Feminine. Masculine. I learned about cameras. I learned about editing. Around this time, I met my current boyfriend. One of the people I began hooking up with but ended up really liking, duh. He’s also really creative and artistic and dresses well, which also inspired/influenced me to do the same.

I ended spring quarter as a media major, but I began the summer as a vis art speculative design major. I started working for CAIDA, the supercomputer center at UCSD as a graphic design assistant. I worked with 88Rising as a marketing ambassador for UCSD. I took creative classes like photography. I bought the Adobe Creative Suite.

I really began to develop my art. Taking VIS 1 was great because I even got to practice my drawing, and I realized I don’t want to draw for a living. Though it’s a fun hobby, I find the most joy from working as a graphic designer and editor. I don’t know much about cinematography (and it’s a facet of art I’d like to improve on), but editing? So. Fucking. Fun.

My work ethic is way better now. It might just be that art is “easier,” but is it really? It takes a long ass fucking time to study and improve art, just like it takes a long ass time to study for and understand STEM concepts. Art and STEM both contribute significantly to society and culture and advancements in the two. I struggled with becoming an art major because of the stigma of it being easy. But I now find myself confident to be an art major.

Because of my consistent physical progress, I realized that small bits day by day do a huge difference in years. I recently posted a 2016 vs 2018 body picture and people see how significant it is.

Yes, working out and gymming can be really superficial. Yes, I am becoming more aligned with society’s standards of beautiful and in that way I’m contributing to the toxicity of body image. I still get body dysphoria since my relatives used to call me fat and told me to work out. But to me, working out was a way to ingrain in my mind that no matter what you do, as long as you’re doing something to progress, you will make changes in your life. Changes toward your goals.

I slowly have reached my small goals of body image. Why not with art? I’m not where I want to be. I don’t know anything about cameras, After Effects, InDesign. I barely learned Illustrator and Premiere this summer. And here I am, doing fucking amazing. Not the best art, but I have definitely. Definitely. Come a long way from the beginning of the SUMMER, when I had just started taking it seriously. Who’s to say 5 years from now I won’t be working on high budget movies making their effects? Or making posters for Nike? Working in some company making graphics or videos?

Physically, I have ingrained going to the gym as a lifestyle change. I love that I can eat and feel healthy and sometimes still indulge in food that isn’t the best for you. I am trying my very best to stay physically and mentally healthy.

I really do believe that progress takes time. I am determined not to give up on this. Although I’m still afraid to tell my mom I’ve switched majors, I have no fucking doubt in my mind I will be successful in 5 or 10 or 15 years from now. No. Fucking. DOUBT. And I will be FUCKING amazing.

#x #health

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