#so i really dont know how to live anymore

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing #painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her #i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but #the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach #streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow #im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected #i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes #not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her #how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want #her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest #but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b #so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so #much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming #i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby #unrelated

[crescentfool]

going to keep this vague on purpose but playing reload has reactivated brain chemicals in me that i forgot i had.

i think i'd want to make a more thought out post later, but i think my favorite thing about reload (aside from seeing minato in full HD glory) is how much it's made me think about video games as a storytelling medium- specifically with what mechanics and game design imply for characters.

there's a lot of quality of life features added to reload that help players easily enter a flow state and get immersed in the gameplay (most notable with tartarus)! which is so dope! reload has been such a nice blend of the mechanics from both FES and portable and it feels like a love letter to persona 3 fans.

there are definitely mechanics i miss from FES (minato's ability to wield multiple weapons being one of them). i can't deny that FES has some dated mechanics that don't necessarily feel fun for the player experience... but!

i think i mostly miss things from FES because i feel like so much of minato's characterization (for me) was informed by the gameplay experience and mechanics (e.g. fatigue system). obviously there's still other ways you can put together his personality (his dialogue responses), but i think game mechanics are a bit part of it, for me.

but in spite of that, i think reload is a really nice introduction to persona 3, it's so much more accessible and has a bunch of things to help make it more fun :) so far i think i'd recommend it to people :D

#persona 3 #persona 3 reload #i don't even really talk about mechanics from reload specifically here but just in case haha #lizzy speaks #im really enjoying this game. i dont want to get into specific details abt reload in a text post atm #and if i do in the future it'll be under the cut #but my god this game is giving me big brainrot #i know i tend to mostly just be like 'hehe fanart reblogging time and here is me talking about the two guys i like' #but playing reload again reminded me of how much i loved playing FES because it was so fun for me to see how FES was designed #like... every time i finished FES i'd think about how much modernsona evolved the gameplay formula and built upon it #and now every time i finish reload i think 'goddamn they've really nailed the formula this experience is so fun' #but also it's fun for me to think about the different experiences curated by both FES and reload #i don't really know if anyone would play FES anymore with reload being out but i still really like the takeaways from FES #FES mechanics may not be the most convenient for the player but they definitely help sell the narrative in ways that only a video game can #like sometimes i just think about the movies and while its a good summary of the events it feels more like supplementary material #like p3 is 80+ hours and in order to have that 6 hour movie experience there's so much that has to be condensed/removed. they hit different #sometime after i finish reload im going to make a text post about my favorite mechanics from FES and how you can read into minato's- #character from it (i don't feel like it's very original but GUYS I LOVE GAME DESIGN GAME DESIGN IS SO COOL AND INTERESTING) #anyways. i needed 2 get my feelings out there. im on august 4th rn. this game is so awesome i love experiencing minato's day to day life #and i fucking LOVE TARTARUS!!!!!! (this tower is my beloved i can just live here forever). #i love having no expectations for video games ever because then i get knocked out of my seat im having so much fun. ok bye. back to the voi

[stupid-dyke]

I can tell i am now experienceing actual real sleep deprivation and not just the omnipresent idiopathic hypersomnia fake sleepiness that my stupid lying body never shuts up about. I can tell because I am fallijng asleep in class regardless if I take my medication and I feel like everything is so, incredibly stupid and horrible, and everyone giving me homework or telling me to do anything is attacking me. And I can;t hold a conversation. And people are noticing my strange manner and pointing out that I seem wrong. And yet here we are AGAIN I have AGAIN stayed up late AND not gotten any work done. And on top of that I broke my fucking glasses tonight because I left them sitting on my fucking bed. And I'm freaking my parents out by crying over the phone and also I think I actually injured my shoulder last week its been hurting for four days now. and I'm so sad and mad at myself for not sleeping and not working but I can't work because I havent slept and I cant sleep because I havent worked. And every single time I get in a bad time like this my dad worries im going to die because i was suicidal for like a week in 2019 and then he gets mad at me for worrying him and I feel so so so guilty. Im so so sad.

#and I dont want to fuckign sleep even though i really need to and I spend every fucking seconf of every fucking day being sleepy #because even when I get enough sleep im still FUCKING sleepy so what is the FUCKING point. Why not just NOT FUCKING SLEEP. #Im so fucking sick of myself and my body and my pain and my stupidity. #AND ITS SO STUPID BECAUSE HERE I AM MISSING ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS SCARING MY FAMILY WEIRDING OUT OTHER STUDENTS AND MAKING MY PROFS HATE ME #BECAUSE IM FUCKING SLEEPY. stupidest fucking sounding reason on earth to have a fucking crisis. #no one ever hears me say im sleepy and thinks oh thats really serious i really want to help you now its literally just annoying to ppl #haha wait til you have kids or get older or a full time job ha ha #cool I am fuckign terrified of the future because I know how mad everyone gets at me when im too disabled to do what im supposed to #and I know its going to get to a point where I can't and there will probably be no one left to help me. I'm almost certainly going to outli #outlive my parents and my sister and even if i ever get married ill probably also get divorced so I'll be all alone #friendships aren't safe becuase you can love someone so much for 5 years and she just tells you one day she doesn't want to be burdened #by you anymore and you never hear from her again #its a dark scary fucking world and you want me to be passionate about a field of study or something?? jesus christ can you all just fuck of #I dont want to go to grad school i dont want to work i dont want to live alone i dont want to live with my parents forever #my head hurts so much goodnight guys sorry for ranting its literally fine im literally just really sleepy sorry for being melodramatic

[thebirdandhersong]

.

#as a side note i had a moment of horrid irony when i thought suddenly that I WISHED mr knight were there #because he was at the vigil last year and used to be a part of my church. and i suddenly missed all my old housemates #who were here last year! went to hug people during the peace and a good friend asked if i was okay #i was like 😭😭😭😭 not really and then turned around and SAW the boy and was like well this is a twist in the plot i truly dont care for #anyway all's well i just cried buckets more my heart's been wrung OUT #he lives fae away. he was not supposed to come. anyway he did and i shook his hand formally because he offered to (???) #*far away #it was totally bizarre #he did not stay for long which. thank God. i wouldve been so much more tired if he had #but he wished me happy birthday which irked me because we'd had an unspoken agreement to not wish each other happy birthday (for fear of #mixed signals) which. happened i guess #it was INCREDIBLY bizarre. the safest ive ever felt in my life was when he was holding me #and now he's a familiar stranger i know too well whom i dont WANT to know #anyway it has been a heartwrenching and soul draining Lent and past six months or more and i was ready to cry #and so i did. bawled like a baby after certain readings and songs. cried and cried and cried #re: reasons for that concerning the ex boyfriend: it is SO weird and i dont know how to deal with it #like. i still have so much love that it feels like grief and the grief bleeds into that love too #but that love isnt for HIM anymore or at least not the person i found he was. so now it really does have nowhere to go #ANYHOW IT'S LATE BUT THE POINT IS. HE IS RISEN AND THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS #THAN SEEING YOUR EX BOYFRIEND AT CHURCH AND BEING LIKE ?????? HUH????????

[carcarrot]

ok thats it i literally need a new job now .

#i know i bitch and moan a lot abt my job. but not without good reason! #however i really want to get out of here now today. #fucking. supervisor who keeps telling me to do more as far as maintaining the coffee area #when 90% of the issues are actually fault of the dumbass stock traders we make coffee for who dont know how to make a cup of coffee #and cant clean up after themselves. and i get that its my job but this is also just fucking stupid #and normally she tells me this stuff in the area where i brew the coffee which is more or less away from people #its at least more away from people than the hallway where the coffee station is where people always are #which is where she chose to loudly tell me more things i should be doing #maybe don't fucking do that in front of the people i do this stuff for! now they think im a fucking idiot! #like that's just. idk kind of unprofessional to me like you don't lecture your employees in front of customers #if we're so concerned abt the appearance and image of the service we provide (which this place is concerned way too much with) #then idk maybe talking abt that kind of stuff should be done more privately. or at least quietly #like she wasnt yelling at me but like everyone around could clearly hear it #but like ive said before i cant standddddd this job anymore. #so i might apply for that store leader job at gregorys coffee #even though the work culture there seems like a different kind of annoying #id at least be making Much More and also closer to where i live so #i just have to fix up my resume and make it seem like i can handle more of a management kinda job

[scarletcomet]

guess whose therapist thinks she could benefit from inpatient treatment

#got really depressed and a bit suicidal during my session today #im not actively suicidal rn but i feel so hopeless and i just want to give up resulting in some suicidal thoughts #the thoughts of hurting myself are getting louder and more overwhelming #so im not at a point rn where i think i need inpatient but im worried about getting worse #im going to nyc this weekend and seeing 2 shows and some of my favorite broadway actors but i do not feel excited #i want to feel excited but i just dont. i should be excited. if this doesn't make me feel something #then i doubt anything will. #reminds me of late may/early june when i wasnt excited for my birthday or the taylor swift concert because i did not want to live anymore #im worried that this is a warning sign. i feel like ive made so much progress with treatment in the last 10 months #but i feel like i haven't made enough progress and i feel like ive hit a wall and there's no improvement to be made #because I've tried like everything. i feel so hopeless. ive been in treatment for almost a year. #even inpatient i doubt would help me. like ive been there and done that. i spent nearly 20 days in inpatient last summer #only benefit would be seeing my doctor sooner but that's assuming i could even get a bed in the 11 person unit she works inpatient at #what benefit would seeing my doctor even do? we've tried almost everything and im on the max dose of most my meds #idk what to do #i feel like im running out of options. the only depression treatments i havent tried are ketamine and ect #i guess my options are ketamine ect suicide or continuing feeling how i feel now but i dont know how much longer i can live like this

[snailune]

wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it

#personal #i just want to make things so bad #it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it #i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life #if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art #if im making something im spending less time with them #and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences #but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that #and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends #but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas #i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors #all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick #so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!! #i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included #but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad #i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum #maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes #for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult #and not spend to much time thinking about this

[hellboyyy25]

Cis straight people will look you in the face and swear up and down they support you but the moment you even dip a toe out of the surface level "hows the weather today" bullshit conversations suddenly they get uncomfortable and they can't seem to figure out that they obviously have hella homo/trans/queerphobia to unpack.

#acceptance #like the fact that ive helped this friend thru many issues #a family member passing and their relationship problems #and the moment i bring up some minor ass issue that relate to my queer identity #suddenly #they dont wanna talk anymore #and they ignore me? #like okay thanks for letting me know how shallow your for queer people really is #im so sick of this bullshit #like you either accept us fully for who we are #or just FUCK OFF and stop pretending #im so tired of surface level bullshit #also funny how these kinds of people talk about their sexuality all the time without even realizing it #yet when queerfolk do its a problem #they dont even realize how they clearly see us as not the same as them and that they see us as abnormal #and their cisgendered straightness is the normal default in their minds #im just ranting a ton rn but im just fucking tired #tired of the world making me feel like a freak for just living my life #tired of the fakeness these kinds of people display #tired of how is feels like weve made no progress #tired of the fact that ill NEVER get to just live my life without constant worry and fear #obviously not ALL cis straight people who call themselves allies are this way #but wayyyyy too many are hella fake and they dont even realize it

[toxifoxx]

🥴🥴🥴

#i love living in a miserable awful world #you will see every awful thing going on #you will read about how things are only getting worse #you will be subjected to misery even when you are offline just because that's the world thats been created for us #why go to college? so i can be in constant debt and get rejected from every job? #why get a job? so i can be dehumanized on the daily and forced to work for the rest of my life? #its not like it matters. i will never be able to afford a house nor function like a normal human being #there will be no joy or hope. and what kind of life is that #if it is one at all? #there is no community for me in the real world i can already barely even talk to people on the Internet #i only have online friends #my only skills and talents are those that would be hell to monetize and suck all the fun out #i mean. i cant ever have a family either. #i despise school #all that keeps me going is cowardice and the price tag thats now attached to my life #on the bright side at least i could do it once i earn about 7k #on the other hand i dont want to #i want to keep going #i dont know why anymore #im lazy man i dont have any motivations or passions all i ever want to fucking do is draw and play video games #i dont want a job dont want to go to college cant make friends and cant have a family or happy life so #really whats left for me?

[flowers-that-sing]

didnt think id cry over a fanfiction in which eddie munson has BPD, and steve knows this, and literally outright says that he knows eddie could split over him and say or do or feel very hurtful things, but it doesn’t matter to him and he loves him anyway. fucking God damn

because as much as people have claimed to “not care” that i have BPD, they also make it clear that any symptoms are too much and they can’t handle it. and like, i get that. i do. i know. most people just can’t handle someone like me. i’m probably doomed to be mostly-alone and only have surface-level friendships, barring stitch, for the rest of my life if i don’t get better at hiding it. i’m so fucking lucky to even have stitch. like, even my own parents can’t handle me. i am so grateful for my best friend.

the idea that someone could know exactly what BPD entails, could know what splitting is, could know what it could mean, and instead of running for the hills because im toxic they would actually stay, and love me anyway, the knowledge that it’s possible, that i’m not abusive and evil in the eyes of every person ever on this earth and someone on this planet is capable of loving me anyway even if i never meet them, it’s. oh my God. so many fucking feelings. i wasnt expecting that.

#bobbi babbling #warning i vented in the tags you can ignore em #i have lost so many friends becauuse of my BPD #and i know it’s ny fault #as much as i wanna pretend it isnt it is my fault #its all always been my fault #and i try and i try to be a good person and act better and hide it better and get better at hiding instead of facing people #but its so hard #i hate being alone #but i hate hurting people more #i scare myself and i scare people who get close to me #and the only ways i know how to cope with really bad episodes without hurting others #is eith vigorous self harm; breaking shit; doing stupid things; screaming… #locking nyself up in closets until i hyperventilate so bad i faint #and tire myself out #and its fucking scary #i dont wanna live likr this anymore #i wish people could love me #but they cant #god this turned into a vent. #sorry.

[nakeurnes]

oououuuowowaah story of undettale

#TSUAUSUSBGGHyzhaa i HATE OUR BROTHER I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH NO MATGER HOW HARD I TRY all GHE SHIT I DO TO TEY AND SYMPATHIZE WITH HIM HE #FUCKING THRNS AROUND AND IS A DICK TO ME FOR NO RESON AND !!!! YLS AT ME FOR NO REAON SOMETIEMS SHUT UL SHUT UP YOURE LITERALLY 13 STFU #i fucking hste it here i hate being fcjingg 18 and having to share the sMe room with him i have sincd he wzz BORN. #GOD. ONE FUCKING NIGHT ALONE WIYHOUY HIS ANNOYING ASS I CSNT EVEN JERK OFF OR STAY UP LATE OR LISTEN TO LOUD MUSIC #AND LIKE IM HALDWy fhinking OH! OM BEING IRRATIONAL jd spLITTING AGAIN AND I AM. BYT HE IS JST A DICK I HATE TEENAGE BOYS I HOPE HE DIES #hes SO FUCKING MEAN hes cslldd me slurs and a bitch multiple times in the most derogayory way and i hate him #he knows abg the zysfem too snd just CHOOSES TO IGNORE IT APPARENTLY DOESNG CARE WHO HES TALKING TO. #auuggh moments i regret being ghe host i hate it here. #i hate our familh theyre just fu jing mean yhis shit builxing up is whzg made me snap in the first place!!! and couldng host for a long time #andd now im upset and spiralling and i dont wang to be a bother espcially sijce spe ific ppl i wantto talk to arsnt thefe an d it makes me #very very bvery sa d i msis my friends #i cry everry day miss ing them i have beene really liking remembering things with nicki #no onee knwos wht im talking about or wjo i am #i dont want to be useless please need me i jave no other purposs #im a nuisance to ppl whow ant to front #i sit here living in the past that doesnt exist anymore and pray every day for it to come baxk knowing it wont ever come back #i miss . my friends i dont tthink they like me #im too pushy when im happy and when im upset im too cold i never make anyoke happy an d i talk too muc h and it hurts wberyone #icant even ve of goo d use to mmy actual children in headspace im an awful mother i cant stay stable enough tk help anyone or do anything #me being here has only caused problems and I remember why i left before #me when i spiral and makenmsyelf sonmu h more upset than before #vent #shelly

[strwbrymlkshake]

they NEED to let me blow up a building I will be so responsible about it I promise –_–

#mine #yancore #yandere vent #in my killing maiming torturing slaughtering mutilating era again. well its probably a one day mood thing but still. hatred and suffering #i fucking hate all these people bro but its out of my control so i dont need to care about it but Omg i wish my love was enough so bad #hes MINE HES MINE I DONT KNOW HOW ANYONE ELSE CAN EVEN IMAGINE??? LIKING HIM THE WAY I DO #hes the only thing that makes me want to live anymore #i say that as if i ever really had a purpose that wasnt him –_– i was made for him. i was made for him and if i dont establish that #then some moron will try to do it for themselves. and i get it hes wonderful but mind your own god damn business

[silverislander]

got through another church service :) (people wouldn't stop touching me without asking) (got guilt tripped abt not coming around anymore twice) (extremely aware i was being watched and judged the whole time) (everyone only seems to remember my brothers accomplishments) (they still fucking do gendered call and responses in 2023)

#but fuck it! i got through it #the guilt tripping doesnt work anymore anyway so i just kinda. roll w it #theyll be like 'wow its been such a Long Time... we miss you...' and then hit me with the boomer stare. jokes on you bc i just smile + nod #now were both staring at each other in silence and you made it awkward. who feels guilty now pamela #levi.txt #seriously tho im so fucking tense my shoulders hurt. i hate how everyone feels the right to fucking touch me at church so much #i KNOW you want to say hi and thats fine just PLEASE dont come up behind me and clap your hands on my shoulders #i will gladly shake your hand or whatever. you dont need to physically grab me we can be normal abt this i promise #unfortunately i have a really bad freeze response so i usually cant manage 'please dont do that' or 'stop' if startled #and the womens/mens call and responses? how are we still. doing that #idk i didnt expect them to be trans affirming all of a sudden or whatever ik theyre transphobic im just. ugh. bad surprise #and watching people try to 'subtly' look and see which lines im reading or why i sound Like That. it makes me feel like a zoo animal #i forget how much church is an anxiety trigger for me. fuck #glad its over. i only have to go on christmas eve and easter while im living at home and thats fair enough for me

[tendercoretroglodyke]

I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!

#sorry trying this thing where i speak the thoughts that haunt me and build up in my head as 'unspeakable' anxieties to weaken their power #good thing no one can see this!!! #anyways i want to reinterate that i love my bestie so much and i love BEING with them #but when theyre home and we're not actively hanging out and sometimes even when we ARE i get. like this #i dont understand it #not to be all emo mcdarkness or whatever but i really feel so much more lonely when im around people than when im alone #whats up w that?? #like idk is it just a matter of me being jealous that my bestie spends more time with their partner than with me? #or am i jealous bc i dont HAVE a partner like that who is always there for me and considers me their number 1 #OR am i in love with my bestie and unable to admit it to myself??? #or am i just autistic and having a meltdown every time i socialize with people and realize i am not like them #and dont think i will ever have the emotional intelligence to have a healthy adult relationship like they do #and it drives me fucking crazy with grief?? #vs when im alone im like. not even a person anymore and dont need to be seen i can simply exist and do puzzles and listen to podcast #???? #no but fr this has been a major issue for a long time now and I'm only recently starting to uncover the patterns in my sadness #and im legitimately so scared im going to reach a point where i need to move out on my own and have more control over when i see my bestie #just to get a handle on this insane mood fluctuations that i truly dont understand #and i dont even know how i would begin to broach that topic with them #bc we have promised each other so many times we would always live together #please god let saying this all out loud make it easier to bear 🙏

[james-p-sullivan]

after having a hysterectomy, i feel like i can truly appreciate the relationship between pain and depression

its impossible to be truly happy when pain is constantly looming over you and im tired of pretending otherwise

#im so happy for the first time in 16 years #i havent felt any bit of the depression that had encompassed my entire teenaged and young adult life #hysterectomy #endometriosis #chronic pain #like when i say my hysterectomy cured my depression #it really cured my depression #i was in so much pain all of the time #i want to cry for past me #how did she live like that for so long? #honestly i dont know what to do with myself anymore #i have all of this creative energy bursting up #but ive spent so long in a depressive state that i don't really know how to handle it

[awek-s-archived]

this trend of my mom thinking im an idiot who doesnt know anything abt the world is genuinely getting really tiring

#like my irritation levels are Not going down it's piling up more and more and she'soff work til the end of the month so she's gonna be w me #24/7 and idk how to handle it really lmao #i lived on my own for years im only back home bc the cost of living is so fucking high and all my friends pulled out of our prior living #arrangements . and that sucks but it's literally not my fault or up to me.. like i dont want to be here ? #and shes kinda holding on to me so badly because she doesnt wanna be alone and she has such an awful track record w men but that means that #she takes everything out on me all the time but also babies me intensely. #im 25 she literally tells me what an egg feels like as if ive never used one or even touched one before like it's that bad #but she's also intensely emotionally immature so on top of that i also feel like a parent #bc most of my time is spent on trying to educate her abt xyz and her getting defensive and im like i have to tell u this bc if you go out #saying the things you're saying to me now you're gonna get beaten up in the street lmfaojdsklgfd #like... #anyway sorry but like. it's REALLY getting to me. i really want to leave. im so so fucking broke #when i get my student loan for my phd im still not going to be able to afford to move out #i dont know what to do anymore #not to be sewer side all on main but like.. #aweks.txt