#so his lack of sharing about art now is bc hes too afraid of talking too much for fear he'll get in trouble about it :(

[princeanxious]

Okay stupid tumblr didnt tell me you said yes but HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS :DDD

When did they become vanpires

How old are they

What year were the vampires born

How long has V been locked away, what has he missed

Does V immediately latch onto the grunge/emo aesthetic because it matches the whole vampire theme

Is Roman a himbo™

What is the twins relationship like

Anxciet is the main pairing, are there any side pairings?

How does Janus react to the whole "oh yeah vampires are real" thing

Were any of the vamps around for any big historical events

Were any of the vamps big historical figures

Do they end up going to highschool/uni with the humans

What does everyone look like

Do any of them have really strong opinions about something useless (eg. pineapple on pizza, a certain colour, double denim, etc)

:)

Virgil became a Vampire sometime in the 17/1800s?? Logan is from around the 1500s, and Patton claims he lost count a long time ago.(Patton’s probably at least at least a thousand years old though? But he looks more like a young 25 y/o whose attire choices change day to day but generally always gives off that Parent vibe), Virgil was turned by Patton, Logan was born Vampire, Patton was assumably born vampire. Remus and Roman are 27, Janus is 25.

Virgil was locked away for about 150 years, give or take? He missed the entire shift in society and the human experience, from how relationships are viewed/treated to longer lifespans, to cleaner hygiene, convenience, and technology, hell, even the more open existance of the lgbtqa+ community! A /lot/ has happened in the past 100 years, and now Virgil has alot of catchup to do.(and don’t worry, Patton & Logan help Virgil catch up pretty quickly, they share flashcards and Virgil gets h o o k e d on social media when he gets a phone)

He absolutely does. Its a weird adjustment, what with the now wildly varied different textiles and styles and change. Especially the lack of layers, he misses those. (And finds immense comfort in the jacket that Janus gifts him, as its big and oversized and feels oh so very soft and warm.) But no yeah, he gets his hair cut(it still grew for those years locked away, albiet still rather slowly from malnutrition) and rocks the fringe, even gets his hair dyed purple to match his eyes, all the grunge/punk/emo aesthetic! Some of his favorite new things are makeup, piercings, and so much black fabric to chose from!

You’ll be surprised to note, that Roman is sadly not a himboTM in this au, as Virgil has already taken over that roll 💜💜💜

Remus and Roman’s relationship? Honestly ride or die chaos, the kinds of siblings that play pranks on one another and insult eachother but god forbid some poor outsider steps in to try and say the same thing they said abt their sibling, that outsider will have regreted it. The kind if ‘The Only one allowed to call my brother a Bitch-Ass Idiot is ME’ kind of siblings? Look they grew up in a area filled with people who dont like things out of the norm and befriended the local bullied kid who is half-covered in snake scales and speaks with a lisp due to his split togue. Remus himself suffers from intrusive anxiety and Roman suffers from chronic(?) depression. They’re all a bit ride or die, through and through.

Anxceit is the main pairing, and while it’s not entirely set in stone, Logince and Intruality are probably the other two.

Technically its not a secret in their world?? Like magic is a thing in their workd, its just usually left out of humanities bloodline. Humans like Janus are pretty rare bc of that. Vampires are still p rare to meet but not unheard of.

Yes, the vampires were alive for many major historical events. No we are not going to talk abt any of them. Same goes w/ historical figures.

Yes! Infact, Roman and Logan share college/uni theatre classes together! Logans currently an astronomy major, Roman a theatre arts major(i think thats what its called?) Logan is a formidible lyrical rival and Roman finds himself constantly losing to his rival in the form of slam poetry, though every day Roman always gets a little closer to winning(Logan adores the challenge, and the passion Roman has to beat Logan at his own game is riviting to experience. Logan would def consider Roman a perfect companion, but would have never acted on it if virgil hadnt been rescued by said companions twin brother, thus gettig both trios heavily involved w/ each other.) Patton’s been alive so long that he doesn’t care too much for academia, and instead focuses on tactile learning, like pottery and woodworking. Remus himself is an arts major, known for making really hyper horror or grotesque creature sculptures/doll customization, so he kind of just laches onto this man who seems to be larger than life and is far from bothered by Remus’s ‘not safe for common convos’ way of talking and its nice not to have someone run away. (Honestly, the feeling is mutual between the two)

As for what everone looks like, I kinda just want to leave that up to interpretation? If I end up drawing any of them they’ll probably be reflective of the way that I usually draw the sides, just human or vampire-ified, and maybe have a trait or two tweaked specifically for the au? The only real thing standing out to me is that i might give Remus or Roman Albinism? Idk yet.

Uhhhh i’m sure they have alot? Logan hates modern mirrors, bc they are usually not made w/ a silver backing. Let me tell you the first time Logna passed his full blown reflection out of something he’d never been able to use before, its clear, consise, ans ge hates it bc he can now very easily stare into his own eyes clearly and question existance.

Patton, despite being the oldest ever, is still v afraid of soiders despite knowing they cant hurt him too horribly.

Virgil is under the strong opinion that memes are hilarious and hoodies are amazing.

#anxceit #intruality #logince #mvv au #sanders sides #virgil sanders #janus sanders #vampire!virgil #vampire!patton #modern vampire vee au #luka’s aus #luka answers #ask to tag

[ionicexpressions]

🌈🌼 Scraps

☘️❄️ Bristleburr

🍁☁️ Thawpaw

✨️ Pidge

🌼 (Kinda already answered the other one so I'll skip it here, lovely) Scraps was named largely bc he was stuck eating garbage and was almost killed by dogs before Gila and Mekhal found him. If he were to change his name to match the rogue style it would be Lucky I think. Since he considers himself very lucky to be alive and where he is today.

Clan style of naming...bit of an inside joke but he would have the prefix Carp. Perhaps Carpwhisker?

☘️ Bristle has a lot of old friends and family who he has recently been able to apologize to for leaving. Some have forgiven him and others have not. I'd like to explore this more especially with Lily, his niece, his old apprentice Scorch, and his older sister Ash.

Alternatively, Bristle has made nice with a cat who knew nothing of his past or the war. Holly and Bristle became close after Holly shared their feelings about gender with him and he affirmed them. Almost immediately though he ruined it by explaining who he was, afraid to lie to her. They haven't talked in a while but this reminds me of a good opportunity for them to do so.

❄️ "You're not the only one who's killed in the name of vengeance- runs in the family perhaps. But it doesn't end there."

"While you spent ten moons of your life under the wing of someone fueled by loss, I spent ten moons of mine alone, trying to make sure no one else lost anyone because of me. Though. I suppose I failed to take into account those I'd harmed by leaving. For that, I apologize, little one."

"I-I was a different cat back then. At least, I think I was. I'm trying to be someone new- someone who deserves to have cats like you or Beetle think I'm a nice cat. I don't want to be remembered for all of the bad things I did...But I know I don't deserve to have everyone change their minds about me either. I want to be better- I think I'm becoming better- I just.;;Every day I have to live with what I've done. I just don't want anyone else to go down that same path I did- I don't think you can come back from it."

🍁Thaw has had a bunch of mean boy moments, so forgive me if my choice seems rough.

I really enjoyed his fight with Rumblepaw that resulted bc she didn't defend him against Nettleblaze at the gathering. It was a climax that was inevitable for them i think given how different they are emotionally. But it led to both of them getting help from adults who matter to them. Hopefully their advice sticks and the kids learn to be more open with one another instead of assuming ♥

☁️ Thawpaw would never go to another clan by choice lol. I suppose in this universe, we would have to assume something happened between Wind and Gale which resulted in Gale taking one or both of the twins to Canyon. For obvious reasons I'm not sure they would be accepted with open arms by a lot of the older cats. Still, Thaw and Hope likely wouod have gotten along with the Dusklings and I know Thaw would have looked up to them a lot. Honestly? Would have made him more of an ass than he is now and given what I know about Canyon's lack of talking about their feelings...Thaw would likely not get any help for dealing with his narcissism and apathetic nature until it was far too late.

✨ Well I first saw Pidge long before I met her through the art channel when she was revealed as a kitten. I thought she was the most adorable thing with her pastel colors and fluffy mane!! Her design is so unique and lovely and I've wanted to meet her ever since I saw her. Luckily it worked out that I had a cat her age, huh?

#can you tell i love me a pigeon? #garbage pail kids for life!!! #oc ask meme

[miyaniacs]

Hey bby 🥺❤️

You know how i’ve been feeling lately and it feels like nothing is worth it anymore bc i keep messing up and i’m just so unsatisfied and disappointed in myself idk what to do anymore :( sorry to ab*se this situation now but can i request some Osamu comfort?🥺 👉🏼👈🏼

Ayt so : you can ab*se me as much as you want bby🥺❤️ also sorry that this is kinda bad :((( 

First some ( idk kinda bad sorry) HC’s and afterwards a small oneshot

masterlist

OSAMU and a depressed reader

Okay what would he do when he finds out

Well

He’ll be pissed.

Because you’re amazing??? And how tf can you let this thoughts consume your mind ???

AND NOT TELL HIM IMMEDIATELY

So he can stop those thoughts???

But here we are now - the mess is made

And he has to work his magic now

Will definitely let you tell him everything if you feel comfy with

Mentally taking notes

He’ll make sure to look for the small sings in the future that show that this thoughts will come up again - so he can stop them before things get that bad

As for now

He will shower you with affaction

Will also help you getting distracted - by doing something like cooking together ( lol sorry had to )

Meanwhile he will make sure to leave small remarks all the time how amazing you’re at this and what a fast learner you are etc

All the things that slowly without being too obvious - help you change the way you think

Also as soon as you feel a bit better he’ll sit down with you and talk about it

Will definitely keep up the poker face until you break down and cry and he’s now panicking and crying too??

He thought he was prepared to see you cry and in his head he had the whole scenario planned out and how he’d act like the perfect boyfriend he is

But guess what

It’s a whole different story when you actually cry???

It’s a mess

Why tf do I feel as if he’ll call his mother at one point and asks what to do because he‘s just too overwhelmed

He will also help you getting better at certain things you doubt yourself in

If it’s art? He’ll gladly make time to take art classes with you

If you feel not sporty enough? He will take you with him, Atsumu & Aran to the gym

ALSO def. The type to be kinda awkward at vocally expressing his emotions and how much he loves and adores you

Soooooo

You’ll get those cute sticky notes in heart or panda or onigiri shape with a thing he loves about you every day from now on

He will also make sure to tell you that it’s not your fault that you feel that way - it’s so hard because of all the pressure that’s put up on people our age and he also feels that way sometimes

Looking around we just see the things others want to show - and we forget that everyone struggles and that those we look up to probably has been at the same point you’re at rn - but they got out of it and look at them now. So it’s okay to have those days - but remember to get help if you can’t escape those thoughts alone

Will also beg you again that you talk to him the next time

Also?? Will also take you to the doctor to get your blood checked to make sure you’re not lacking anything that just encourages those toxic thoughts

Cute moments to mention:

You getting flour all over his face

Him chasing you around the room to get his revenge

You two falling

Laying on top of him laughing until you can’t breath

He’ll def take the bedding out of your bedroom in front of the biggest window you got and build a pillow fort

Osamu opens the door to your apartment with the shared key he got. He hasn’t heard or like read a single word from you since Sunday Morning and it’s not Wednesday - so the good best friend he is he comes to check on you. The apartment was dark. He opened the shutters and blinks a few times needing to adjust again to the light. He walks back over to your fridge and opens it - not surprised at all to find it empty. With a deep sigh he places the groceries he just brought for you in the fridge together with some self made onigiri for later. He puts on the water boiler and gets your favorite cup out of the cupboard together with your favorite tea (I know who you are bby so sorry to all the rest but pls note the name of said tea: heißer Flirt).

He opens the door to your bedroom and his eyes immediately softens when he sees you curled up on your bed with your fluffy blanket. “Hey there” he says softly and you let out a small scream. “Haha chill it’s just me.” Osamu laughs and sits down on your bed, “Now sit up - I made you tea.” He gently smiles and feels the mattress shift as you sit up and take the cup out of his hands. Osamu leans forward and opens the shutters a bit letting the sunshine illuminating your room in a soft warm light. While you sip on your tea, you feel his eyes on you, “Mh?” You mumble. “Why haven’t you time me?” He carefully asks, “I told you to come staight to me when things get worse again.” He mutters, a bit annoyed, that you’re going through this all alone again instead of letting him help you. You sigh and lay your head on his shoulder. “I don’t want to be a burden.” - this makes Osamu groan in annoyance, but he quickly catches himself again and takes a deep breath. “Well I’m here - so do you want to talk about it?” - “No.” - “y/n....” he rolls his eyes and softly chuckles. You place the cup on your nightstand and start fiddling with your fingers, yet before you can answer Osamu’s arms wrap around your waist and he falls down on the bed, pulling you with him. Your head lays on his chest and his one hand moves up and plays with your hair. “You can begin now.” He slightly teases. “Well... I - well ... uhm.” It was hard for you to begin to open up. You don’t want your best friend aka crush since the second you laues eyes on him, know how fucked up your mind can be. Looking up to his soft and knowing eyes though, all of you worried vanish and you start talking. Osamu doesn’t say anything - afraid to say anything to that makes you stop talking. So he just listens. He listens to you telling him how bad you feel, how you feel like being a failure and just too stupid to get anything done- and that at this point you just give up in hopes to feel a bit better. He just listens, when you continue talking, telling him why you feel that way- telling him things about your childhood. Osamu starts stocking your hair, placing kisses on your head when he feels you shaking in his arms, when you start to cry. As soon as he feels you calming down, he nuzzled his face in your hair and starts mumbling sweet nothings. “Do you want to hear what I think?” He softly asks you and gently pulls away and sits you both back up. He sees you nod and takes a deep breath. “Okay well... I do where you’re coming from. But ... uhm... let’s take your drawings and writing as an example. You feel bad about it - why? Because you compare it to those who draw or write for a much longer time then you do. You shouldn’t see those as ones to compare yourself to, rather as inspiration and motivation. If you keep on comparing yourself to those - it’s only natural to feel bad - but that way you won’t Continue doing it aka you won’t gain experience because you stopped with leades you being stuck at this one place without giving yourself the opportunity to develop your skills. Also it really hurts me to see such an amazing and beautiful human - whom I love way to much for my own good - doubt themselves. I really with that you come to me the next time - so I can show you how amazing you are.” He looks at you with glassy and big eyes. Still shocked of what you just heard him say you stay silent. Have you heard it right? Or did you just imagine it? “You.. you love me?” You stutter out and Osamu’s face turns white. “I - this - uhm- can you ignore that part please - i don’t want that to be the reason our friendship is ruined.” He stutters and starts panicking. “No.. I don’t want to ignore it..” you admit shyly, “I uhm... like you too..”. His eyes lit up and he looks at you - all the love and admiration he holds for you, is now clearly shown in his eyes. His right hand moves up and his thumb gently stokes your cheek. “May I?” He whispers. You nod and he leans down gently kissing you.

A few (many) kisses later - he leans his head against yours and smiles. “So love- how about we go and make this one dessert I love so much? I’d make it for you but I’m not able to do it without you- it would just turn out badly without your help.”

#haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #osamu headcanons #osamu x y/n #osamu x reader #osamu imagine

[bangtansfavwriter]

💘bangtan as boyfriends: jungkook💘

-oh my god this soft boy

-still can't quite believe you guys are dating and sometimes still blushes very heavily when you kiss him

- it took ages for him to ask you out and he probably wouldn't have done it without a pep talk from seokjin who hyped him up before you and jungkook went on a date together

- he was so timid and tripped over his words a lot, so when you asked "are you saying we should start dating?" he went "oh my god yES PLS"

-he know tells everyone that you asked him out first bc "the golden maknae of bts, bangtan sonyeondan, behind the scene, world's best band tbh has to be asked out"

seokjin: makes sense, bc said golden maknae looked like he was gonna pass tf out before you two met

jk: .. hyung why you.... I asked y/n out!

seokjin: lies

you: he did... kinda

seokjin: LIES

jk: I find your lack of faith disturbing, hyung..

seokjin: nerd 😚

jk: 😔✊🏼

- a nerd indeed, but cuteee

- very loyal, it already took him long enough to call you his, so he sure af won't give you up

- also very selfless, he loves helping you out with whatever you need help with... even when you don't ask for it

- like when you had a project due and you were stressing out about it bc you had no time for anything else and stuff... he was really worried you'd skip meals to do your work, so he made sure that you'd eat by either coming to your place or calling/texting you, whenever he couldn't come over personally

-he was afraid he'd bother you while you do your work so he was always very cautious but you reassured him it's fine

-but you felt bad bc you couldn't talk much while doing your work... he looked at you and smiled: "it's ok, I'll write some lyrics maybe.. and you do you. we'll give each other strength with our presence, alright?" he started laughing when you got up and cozied up to him. you spent the next 10 mins cuddling, as this was the only reasonable thing to do after he was being so sweet. "so much for no distractions, hm?"

- you still got your work done btw, so no worries

- movie nights are a huge thing for you two, your range is broad af but mostly consists of marvel, disney and studio ghibli. he has a thing for 80s movies tho, felt ferris bueller on a personal level

- cried when he watched the princess diaries for the first time and will end u if anyone hears about it

-rather savage irl but he cries during some movies, especially when he's tired, he gets emotional and even whiny

- for example: he was very sleepy when you first watched the mandalorian together and you swear he started weeping when he first saw baby yoda and he's been obsessed ever since btw

- very thoughtful and caring

- remembers the smallest things about you, will bring you your fav ben&jerry's when you feel down and enjoys the fact that you look at him like the saint he is

- also memorizes your habits and reads your body language so well that it still surprises you even after all the time you've been dating

-you poke his cheeks on any given occasion and kiss his nose, he's not quite sure why but he enjoys it too

- his hugs are just warm ... they make you feel like everything will be ok

- many pancake mornings together

- will never ever forget any birthday or anniversary, he once did tho and he still beats himself up about it but he was busy as hell during that time so you were ok with it in hindsight (which was greatly appreciated bc he truly felt awful)

- very down-to-earth, it doesn't have to be all fancy with him, he's doing just fine with netflix and ramen

- your personal laundry fairy

- looots of laughter and giggles with this one, always cracking jokes

- you guys have like 48394 insides jokes

you: hey.. hey

jk: ?

you: second goose right left

jk: LMAOOOOO WOFT

you: LMAOOO

jk and you: -dying-

rm: this sounds like some terror code

hobi: or a stroke

- sends u memes at 3am, his go-to are kermit memes as reaction memes, he sometimes forgets to use actual words tbh

you: kook, i can't come over today, working late :( but tomorrow is fine tho, you free ?

jk: -kermit crying under the shower meme-

you: jungkook, words pls

jk: oh sorry babe, yeah im free 🤗

- either uses the cutest nicknames or the weirdest which are pretty cute when he explains it (like left shark "bc you stand out")

- displays of 'strong manly man' when he picks you up, and spins you around only to kiss you --- displays of 'babie boy's when pouts until you give him attention or your last pockys ("we can share, you know 👀" - "oh worm? 👀")

- a true romantic deep down, he once surprised you when he decorated your entire house with candles and flowers bc he knew you had a tough time and you legit just started crying. he was overwhelmed for a sec but knew this was just bottled up emotions and relief coming through so he just smiled and hugged you until you calmed down."it's alright, love... let me take care of you." you nodded and smiled at him, while wiping your tears away. "you're the sweetest, you know that?" - "well, obviously. but fire safety was never my forte, so let's be careful, ok?" he said and you both started laughing.

-sings to you very very often, get used to it, even when you're not right next to him you can still hear him humming from afar and it makes always makes u smile

-you two are fiercely competitive, there is no "it's just a game"... you guys play mario, sonic, rayman etc and there's always a whole lot of screaming

-there was a time namjoon jin got so fed up with this that he took the playstation away (+ mario kart) and jungkook and you had to find other gaming options

-some examples of truth or dare sessions between you (in the safety of your own home):

you: i dare you to dance to begin

jk, in his pyjamas: wha- ... no!

you: truth it is, then. what was the dumpling incident about?

jk: nevermind, I'll do the dance.

you: squeeze the ketchup bottle empty with your thighs.

jk: ?????? jesus, you take your kinks to a whole knew level. choose something else, the stains will be nasty as hell.

you: wear booty shorts👀

jk: you wants thighs and booty, huh? 👀

you: you bet 👀👀

(a blessed day for u tbh)

jk: babe, i dare you to dance to fire.

you: ?????? well, I can try, but you should get me an inhaler, my lung capacity may not suffice for this

(jungkook laughed so hard when did it that he was the one that needed an inhaler)

-takes lots and loots of pics of you when you're together and of the location you went together , posts the view on twitter sometimes and jokes about you two being official (to fans) without really being official

- you two go on walks together, have coffee shop dates, go to concerts (and go fckn feral when u go see iu), visit art galleries where you mostly imitate everything and touch things you shouldn't touch, go to karaoke places ... and you also do art together! that was actually his idea were he bought a shitload of acrylic paint and huge linen sheets and you had your first painting date, which has become a tradition ever since.

- something that jungkook absolutely loves and appreciates is that you guys never run out of topics to talk about

-the intellectual stimulation he gets from you is pretty much unmatched and that's also something that made him realise he's into you before you started dating

- 2 sides of the same coin: smart, charming and kind // absolute crackhead (remember the vid with his goggles? vids like that are now your exclusive content from yours truly)

- once chased down chickens when you visited a village together and ran away screaming when a huge ass rooster chased after him ( u filmed it ofc)

- lives for dramatics, gains new life power on Halloween when you two do shenanigans on bighit's annual party

- he loves the fact that you're still a child at heart and that you're not too stuck up to scare hobi and jin with michael myers masks on (but you did feel pretty bad about it when hobi almost fainted)

- you're super savage when you want to be and he loves it when you are... ngl... you being assertive and all kinda turns him on lmaoo

-your green card to get him to laugh whenever was saying "you sexy beast" and he'd forget whatever issue you were having before, as long as it wasn't something too important obviously

-loves you show you off, especially when you guys are all dolled up and ready for a night out "look at us being all sexy and shit, like, how dare we look this hot, jimin-hyung hates it when someone looks hotter than him" - "hmmm kook, imagine if I'd have jimin as my date today, the place would burn up" - "...." - "kook, i was joking..." - "right shark" - "I WAS JOKING BABY" - "........say it. you know the deal." - "i would rather die" - "go hang with hyung then, i'm gonna stay home" - "you...." -

👀👂 - "YOU SEXY BEAST" - jungkook laughed until he couldn't breathe when yoongi, who just passed by you two, and you stared at each other, completely mortified. you: how to unsay things... / yoongs: how to unhear things/ jk: -on the floor and in dire need of an inhaler"

- you couldn't face yoongi the whole night, whereas jungkook occasionally stared down jimin who had no clue what the heck was going on and munched on some appetizers

- jealousy is not a big thing for him but he still doesn't quite like it when someone is too touchy with you

- he trusts you, absolutely no doubt about that or he wouldn't have even entered a relationship with you, as he has high standards about who to let into his life, especially with potential lovers

-that's why everyone knew you guys were serious about each other and it was hardly surprising that you got to meet his family shortly after you guys started dating (his mother loved you btw)

-has like 200 pics of the day you met gureum

- an absolute sucker for you, you could say you want the n seoul tower to flicker in purple and pink lights and he would get it done somehow

- very sensitive to touches so ......👀

- loves your room bc he says it always smells like your lotions and laundry

- you sometimes surprise by setting the mood with some smooth music and nice fragrances and the world comes to a halt for him, it's just him and you

-shower him in affection and he's putty in your hands, legit, when he first performed euphoria and did the high note at the end you spammed tf outta your messenger and hyped him up and he actually got so hype he jumped around backstage after the concert and sprinted to you when he saw you, twirled you around and, for the first time, kissed you while the guys were there

-he still gets teased about it tho, but he doesn't really care bc your support means the world to him and he values it too much to care about the guys

-you guys went home that night and he serenaded you while you were cuddling. you guys started talking about songs, especially your favourites. you got sleepy when he started talking about 'home' and softly sang it to you, until he realised you dozed off. he smiled to himself and caressed you hair, as you had layed your head onto his chest. admiring your sleeping figure, closely entangled with his broad frame, he said to himself: "this is home..."

#jungkook fluff to save this whack ass dayyy #bts fluff #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts headcanons #bts crack #bts as boyfriends #bangtan fluff #bangtan x reader #bangtan x you #bangtan #bts jungkook #jeon jeongguk #jeon jungkook #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fluff #jungkook x you #jungkook x reader #jungkook imagine #jungkook headcanon #the sweetest and softest bf who'd give you exclusive meme content and daily thirst traps by just exposing his thighs a little #and suddenly the victorian era hysterics about a woman's bare ankle would makr perfect sense to you #mine

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

— after meeting you.

date: 2011-2021.

word count: 1,886 words, excluding lyrics.

summary: ash makes a song over the course of ten years.

triggers: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification. 

it’s a song a decade in the making. over the course of ten years, he comes back to it over and over as a diary of his idea of the perfect love.

2011

he begins it on the doorstep of the first time he’ll ever fall in love. he’s a trainee and his days are filled with nonstop practice. when he comes home late at night or in the early hours of the morning, he barely has the time to pull out his homework to complete enough to keep passing classes and avoid a scolding from the company, but he still finds time to try to put into words what he’s feeling.

love is everything he’d heard about and more. he’s had the butterflies, the moments of awe, but he’s also found himself confused at times by how much he has to learn about being someone’s boyfriend. hand holding on the playground in third grade and shy kisses during spin the bottle in middle school hadn’t prepared him for actually falling in love.

he’s young, only fifteen when he writes down the first words of what he has no idea will one day be one song of many he stands on stage and sings by himself. he has no idea about the heartbreak he’ll endure in the next decade, that the one he thinks will be his first and last will be far behind him by the time the world gets to hear the words.

we understand each other i was surprised how we got used to each other

he’s never felt this way with anyone. the quiet understanding, the spark he feels at every touch and every glance they share between ash leaving class and heading into practice or on the late nights of the weekend when he can slip in time to see them. if this is the love everyone’s always talked about, that everyone’s written countless songs about and based movies and art on, he can understand why.

in the bright morning i open my eyes while thinking of you

he’s young and it feels like no one takes his love as seriously as it feels to him. it’s all-consuming and he just knows they’re the two that got lucky to find their soulmates and life partners so young. the idea of fate battles with his desire for free will, but he doesn’t care which is real when his arms are around them.

it’s only a few lines, tucked away on a sticky note stuck to the margins of a school notebook, but they show a boy who believes in every word he writes, words he’ll reshape and flesh out when he’s older and his korean has refined itself into something more sophisticated than he can offer at fifteen, but one phrase he writes doesn’t change at all:

i love you

january 2016

more pieces of what will eventually become the song stick themselves together over the years, through relationships and flings, but it’s not until years later that he sits in a vocal practice room at bc entertainment alone, old notebook in front of him and his fingers on the keyboard.

the notes of the melody he writes link to years into the past and stay with him for years into the future.

solo music is still a pipe dream for him, but something he’s afraid to put a name to has sparked again in his heart. it’s not the only time since the first time he’d fallen, but it’s the most confusing for him.

see, they’re not dating. they’re friends who have fallen into the trap of letting skin on skin bleed into their hearts to mean more than it does.

for ash, at least. he doesn’t know if his touch has bled into her bone marrow the same way hers has into his, and so he doesn’t say anything. not to her. instead, he lets his fingers idle on a piano, recalling the moment he’d first looked over at her and realized he was in trouble.

for as complicated and messy as his situation is, the melody line he crafts doesn’t soar too high or too low, it doesn’t tumble over itself in rapid notes or odd time signatures, though he still simplifies it down some more a few years later when he comes back to it. it sits in 4/4 time signature, the most basic, for love sits inside such a simplistic framework, bent out of shape by the imperfect humans who inhabit it and, as ash has now come to learn, sometimes break the frame in half. 

the piano piece is therapy in keys, the only therapy he knows at the time, not for lack of needing it, but because of lack of time and motivation to take care of himself in the way he should.

the impending spiral downward in the next few months he can’t foresee yet will be the breaking point, but he’ll never stop coming back to the keys when he feels emotions he can’t share with anyone else.

late 2016-2017

more lyrics and music slot into place over the rapidfire falling he does over a few months. there’s the model trainee he thinks he could love that shatters his heart in the aftermath of a heartfelt confession. there’s the ill-fated relationship that starts hopeful, but dissolves into fighting before he can even write much embodying that hope. then, there comes her and then him, the ones that leave him looking back on his record of love put into song and makes him want to spill tears to drown every instrument and wet every notebook so he can never write something so hopeful again.

there are times he writes words about them, but, often, he’s at a loss for words, and the song becomes more instrumental than voice, silence on his part.

silence is what damns him in the end.

2017-2019

in kijung, ash is sure he’s found the true muse to the song he’s been writing for years.

just like now when it’s peaceful i want to be with you forever i thought that as i was looking at you i was so happy after meeting you i was able to love you so much because you embraced and understood my young and immature mind warmly

he almost plays the song for him one night, almost decides he wants to rewrite it to be solely about kijung so he can sing it for him and only him, but fear makes him back out.

months later, fear makes him back out of the relationship altogether and the song remains a patchwork quilt of lovers past.

mid-2020

when she’s back in his life, the tone changes.

when we hurt each other with nonchalant tones i can’t bear our distant relationship so i’m sorry even now when i’m anxious i want to be with you forever i thought that as i was looking at you

he knows now that love can hurt just as badly when one’s in it as it can once it’s ended.

are you happy after meeting me, too? i’m sorry that i have more that i couldn’t give you i’m selfish and unstable but i wanted to treat you well

he breaks her heart and his own at the same time and comes to realize he’s no longer a man built to be deserving of the love he’s prayed at the altar of his whole life.

late 2020

there’s a piece of writing advice ash has heard over and over again for as long as he can remember: write what you know.

but when he pieces together the last lyrics of the song, they’re to everyone he’s known and someone he’s never known at once. they’re to someone he’s accepted he’ll never meet, or to someone he let slip away. he can’t tell which one, but he knows it’s more fantasy than reality.

he bleeds out every ounce of hope he has left inside of him and leaves it printed in ink and bared in song. ten years of hope etched into one song, meeting a man who now stands empty of it. he’s faced with a mirror image of someone brighter and bolder, touched with love, but left shielded from the inevitable heartbreak attached to it.

in the end, they sit over an instrumental that’s been recrafted so that something sad hits under the hope, harmonizing the truth with the dream he’s packed away and abandoned.

i think i found a perfect love that i’ve waited for for a long time because you held me and gave me energy because you hugged me by being considerate lovingly after i met you

2021

he sends in the demo to the company right before the release of his fourth solo album as closure, but he doesn’t expect to hear back that they’re interested in having him release it. it’s so different from the sound that most of lovesick had been drenched in. it fits better the music he’d been known for releasing three or four years ago when he’d been first starting out as a soloist. it makes sense that it does, considering much of the song had been created before then, but management seems more excited for it than he’d expected.

he doesn’t realize right away why, but once he gets the brief for some, he realizes that maybe they’ve decided he’s been too mopey as of late to be marketable.

despite his best efforts not to let his hesitancy about some infect his work on this song, some resentment builds inside as he spends time in the studio on it. the more he listens back to different takes of his own voice singing back the polished lyrics over the finalized melody, the more he feels like he’s mocking himself. it sounds out of place in his voice.

he’d give up if he didn’t know that letting bc know he was throwing in the towel would only mean they’d put someone else on the job to get the final product completed, and as sour as he is, the song still has strings that attach to the inside of his chest that he’s not ready to cut to hand the song over to someone else.

erin is the one who points out what’s wrong to him one night when she comes to visit him in his studio.

“you sound really young here.” she’s silent for a moment, and then she corrects herself. “you sound like you’re trying to sound young.”

she’s right.

he’s trying to sound like the fifteen year old ash who had been the root of all of this. for a man who’s been so insistent he’s not good at playing a character when he’s writing, he’s taken on the persona of someone who can skate along the surface level of the song for the sake of marketability — a man the words can’t hurt.

the song isn’t about first love just because those were what the first words had been written about.

so, he re-records it, singing it like the man who’s experienced everything he’s been through. he switches out the arrangement from coffee house acoustic to transition the instrumental from a simple piano and strings arrangement o a full-out orchestral arrangement toward the end.

when he’d felt the first rays of love, he may have thought that it was as easy as two complementary instruments, but in the decade since, he’s learned all of the moving pieces that have to come together.

by most accounts, its arrangement lends itself to a run of the mill emotional ballad, and bc will either love or hate that, but some of the pieces that had been failing to line up slot in to place.

listening back, the song still makes him sadder than he can imagine a younger ash would be proud of.

the night he finishes, he sits in his studio with the lights low and loops the track, searching through every line for a flaw he needs to fix. it comes without thought, looking for what he’s done wrong.

as he sits there, he hears his own voice repeat over and over again thoughts from years past, singing about once-perfect loves that had only been perfect for flashes of time in a broad expanse of history, and he stops the track. for once, he’s done searching for his own faults.

#fmdverification #&& when you're screaming but they only hear you whisper | self para #god i have had the idea for this verification for soooo long icb i finally wrote it

[moldy-mold]

Diary Post: My Thoughts and Processes on Making “Silent Strength” It’s lengthy, taking place over long period of time. Mainly written for my future-self to remember what I went through, but also for anyone who is curious. Now that the project is over, I can post without reservations. There are certain things I need to keep secret though, so if I’m vague I do so intentionally!

Basically, a lot of number-crunching, physical labor, and psychological labor.

It started off as kind of a joke tweet I made. I had enough content to make a Tales Of art book and people were receptive to it. So… I thought maybe I could go somewhere with this. A few weeks later, I suddenly had a lot of Kratos art. Like. 80% of all my Tales art was Kratos. It didn’t make sense to make a broad Tales Of book when really most of it was Kratos.

I hadn’t made a book since I was in college despite it being one of my favorite things to do. They were never art books, just some editorial design projects that totally didn’t count. This book… would be my first-ever art book.

Several times, I came close to having enough art to print a book - the last time was my large collection of Yusuke Kitagawa, but the quality wasn’t where I wanted.  At that time, I was still experimenting with my iPad Pro and figuring out Procreate, so that was what I used him for.

NGL, I was pretty afraid of looking like a clown. After doing all this work, what if no one actually buys it? I was talking to some friends and they said they would buy it. It was enough for me. In the end, I’m creating something that I love. - The first thing I really wanted to work on was the cover. It needed to be epic but also mysterious (lol)… It was a good time to practice lighting and backgrounds. The cover had to be freaking Fantastic. I spent 3 days drawing nonstop. I was on vacation so I could spend full days just drawing. It was really intense. I would stop in the evenings to go for a run or else my legs would never get circulation again.

The hardest part was keeping it secret. I wanted to share it with the world right away bc I was so proud of it. Well, all I could do was show it to my parents and some close friends. They didn’t know who Kratos is, but it was obvious I was crazy about him.

Initially, I was doing some hand-lettering for the zine title instead of using a typeface. Tbh, I was so sure I was naming this zine “Blame Your Fate!” bc that is such an iconic line. But it just didn’t work with my cover, which looked… a little too serene for that. So… Silent Strength or Divine Strength? I asked around and got my answer.

But what size? All of my art has been on letter canvases. I wanted it to be large so you could see the details in the art. I’ll just start with that. - Luckily, I had all my Kratos-related art in one place. I started my InDesign file and threw everything in there just to see what it looked like. Man, I draw a lot of boxes… But I didn’t want them all next to each other. I also wanted to kinda organize it by the people Kratos hangs out with. There’s a Yuan section LOL… and a Lloyd section… and an Anna section. Idk, I tried to get some kind of order in there with a sprinkling of full spreads here and there to keep it fresh and interesting for the eyes.

I hadn’t worked with InDesign on such an intense level since college. I forgot all of the tips and tricks we learned in class. Spent some time reading on how to do things again… like adding page numbers. - I started drafting my pre-order form. It’s my first time making a google form like this. It’s kind of fun? I spent a long time on it, despite how simple it was. This was going to be my “Store” so it had to look and sound good. - My friend introduced me to charm-making. It seemed easy enough, and I wanted to give my zine more oomph. Besides, I’ve always wanted to make a charm.

I remember someone saying they’d buy a book of just the 4 Seraphim if it existed. I like them too and they lack art imo. In the end, I decided to do a polaroid charm. It’s not really that unique but I wanted Kratos to have actual friends to hang out with for once LOL.

She was going to do a group order to try to reduce the costs. I thought maybe 4 weeks would give me enough time. In the end she said I only have 2. I work well under pressure, so needless to say, I did make that deadline. I actually sketched the whole thing on the plane headed home. - After playing the game the second time, watching the OVA again, and reading “Offerings to a Star,” I have gained a real soft spot for Yuan.  My friend once said, “If you weren’t stolen away by Kratos, you would be in love with Yuan.” Lol. I’ve been in a “Kratos and Yuan hanging out” mood lately, so of course I needed something good for the zine. They’re so cute together! Now… what is the bro-est thing I can draw?

I was currently in Florida for my friend’s wedding. I was friends with the groom and his best man since high school, so that makes it 10 years now. Seeing how they’re still friends after all this time, despite living in opposite sides of the country, was really moving to me. Of course, me being me, I could see Kratos and Yuan’s long friendship being similar to this, if they had gone to school together. I just had to draw it. - When I got back from vacation, I did some research on zine sizes. Mine was HUGE compared to others. I just didn’t quite realize it until I held a magazine in my hands. It really is huge…

I settled for a medium size. 7x9. I really liked how it looked. Petite but not too petite. Unfortunately resizing my book had messed up my artwork placement so I spent hours rearranging all the text and resizing my images. I found out afterwards that there’s a way to retain the format while changing the document size. Gee, that would have been helpful 4 hours ago.

Sadly, choosing a custom size booklet makes printing more expensive. But I wanted it badly enough that I’d be willing to pay for it. Letter size is just too large… - I decided to stop dragging my feet and post a promo. I just really needed a deadline for myself to get this all done before July ended. I’m happy it was well-received. A lot of people like Kratos huh…

Anyway, the pre-order is due in a week and I still don’t know what all the costs are yet. I need a physical proof ASAP to weigh at the post office! - Something possessed me one day to do another drawing. I don’t usually do painterly style (mainly because it’s really difficult and takes 10x longer) but I just REALLY wanted to push myself on this Final Piece to the zine. I wanted it to be… radiant. Almost religious. I worked on it obsessively. From breakfast to sundown. The only time I would stop was at 7pm to go running or else my legs would give out on me.

Call me crazy, but I would save my progress on my phone so I could examine it for errors during my warmup. I also spend an hour examining it for errors before going to bed. It’s a miracle I hadn’t dreamt of the painting. - I sent my files in on Sunday in hopes that they start working on it first thing on Monday…. and it HAPPENED! They finished before I even woke up. I think they start work at like 6am…

Of course, I drove over there as soon as I heard so I can get a look. “Please… please let the colors be okay,” I prayed as I was driving. I barely remember driving there, I was so lost in thought. It would be another long ordeal if I had to fix all the colors.

Thank the stars. The press proof looked BEAUTIFUL!! I was screaming to the client coordinator how much I loved it. I mean, I worried for a looooong time that everything would turn out too dark (it usually does) but it was PERFECT. I was especially worried about the cover, which contained a lot of yellow and I def did not want it to come out mustardy… But it was great in the end!

The press operator is a quiet man. He’s got a scary face and never smiles but I think he’s secretly nice. He has done a lot of favors for me in the past without my asking. He was the one to print, bind, and trim the book for me. Obviously he had to have seen what I was drawing. I wonder what he thought of it…? He walked away before I could express how happy and thankful was. He didn’t need to hear it. It was like he already knew. So cool…

I immediately took it to the post office to weigh it. I needed as much info as I could get and plus, I was dying to know for myself. This is the week I was supposed to open pre-orders and there was still a lot I needed to do. Take pictures, create mockups, pricing, etc.

NGL, all of these costs were building up fast. It was so darn expensive to make a zine while also keeping prices down. But I wanted so much more for my baby. Extra glossy cover, perfect binding!! I knew by the end of this, I probably wouldn’t make much money. It hurt a little, but I tried to think that it was for the greater good. Learning experience and all that. And creating something beautiful. Especially something beautiful of Kratos. - Pricing was really the hardest part. I pretty much threw profit out the window. However, I definitely did not want to be losing money. My dad and I had worked together to create a spreadsheet of expenses to make sure my head was above water. I followed it… loosely.

My friend came to talk to me at the right moment. I was sort of panicking at the prices. She made me realize I was thinking way too hard about it and gave me some tips based on her own experience. It really put my mind at ease talking to someone who understands my woes.

The truth of the matter is, the book is wonderfully made and has a lot of pages - countless hours of drawing. There is only so much I can do about pricing. It is what it is… I just needed to come to terms with my own worth. - Boy, what am I going to do once the zine is done? My friend says that I’ll be so over Kratos that I’ll stop drawing him (but the love remains). It’s like… all of the intense planning, working, struggling nonstop will just suddenly… stop. TBH, I’m running out of ideas. I spent it all on the zine. - Photoshoot today. I had to paint my nails purple for this occasion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the look I wanted in the apartment. It’s just so naked without props. I think I’ll take it to a cafe for some nicer backgrounds. I talked it over with my friend and decided to do a quick flip-through of the zine as a promotional video. I used the most professional video program I had on hand… Snapchat. It actually turned out pretty legit and of course I slapped stickers on there because it’s Snapchat.

I had to tape/hide some of the pages for the video because I wasn’t actually done with the drawings. I had the printers print it anyway so I could examine it for color accuracy.

I’m really stressed about pricing now. It turns out I had a lot more international fans than I anticipated. I wish I took notes on interest earlier in the game to cater to them. I had a list of “possible buyers” and I only just now decided to check where they live? Foolish.

I did another cost analysis on paper to figure out what my goal was to make up for the charms. Right now they’ve cost me a fortune for something that was supposed to be giveaway. Other things that rack up are packaging costs, PayPal fees, and some other supplies I needed for this project.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made it 40 pages. It is an impressive number, but no one is really paying for quantity. I think 25 is a better number lol. If I had done that, I could have had my super-gloss cover like I wanted. :’(

There is hope though. And I’ve placed it in the hands of my followers to come through for me. I think I’ll open pre-orders on Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I finish. - “Losing your cool will only lead to poor decisions.” 
Thanks, Kratos twitter bot. You always know what to say.

I read this post today on what makes people buy zines. Very interesting!
 https://twitter.com/andythelemon_/status/1141469048653398019 - Photoshoot part 2 today. My friend and I went to a cafe nearby that had some nice atmosphere in hopes of finding the right shots. I brought all of my Kratos merch just in case. I’m glad I did though, since the tables were pretty sparse and it was difficult to capture the backgrounds without getting a bunch of random people in it too.

I would have been the photographer, but I definitely wanted my hands in the shots. In a way, it was meaningful - to show that this was made by my own two hands. Plus, I wanted to depict natural interaction with the product. It made it feel real.

The photos were cute! I feared it would look a little amateurish with all the merch in there, but I think fun was what I was really going for, not “professional.” And plus the flip-through was a Snap anyway LOL. As long as the photos have good lighting and tasteful composition, you really can’t go wrong with “fun.”

Now that I’ve finished editing my photos, there really isn’t anything holding me back from opening pre-orders. I’ve pretty much come to terms with my pricing. If I fail to break even, I’ll just have to open commissions to try to make up for it. I was telling my friend on the way home, “I gave this zine EVERYTHING I had to give. So at the very least, I won’t be disappointed in myself.” No stone left unturned, no detail left unchecked. It was perfect according to my standards. I really love my zine okay?!

I thought I was crazy for not only choosing a small fandom, I narrowed it down even further by picking ONE GUY to make this zine about. She replied, “Even if it’s small, those people who love him now must be EXTREMELY LOYAL to still be in love with a character from a 15-year-old game. All of them will want your zine.” - I went to bed that night with the intention of making the pre-order post live in the morning. I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake until at least 5 or 6 am. Luckily, I was able to doze off for a an hour or two before I would shake myself awake again. It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was the moment of truth - to see if all my effort made a difference. Was it going to sell? - The pre-order post looked really freaking good. I’ll give it that. I even made a YT account just to post that darn preview video on tumblr lol. It was definitely fun seeing everyone’s excitement and we all just freaked out together.

I broke even! That’s what really matters. Honestly at this point, I couldn’t care less if I made profit or not. I now know how much people really like the zine and that alone made me so happy I could die.

I was particularly fascinated at Google Form’s ability to transfer all the data collected into a spreadsheet. That is extremely helpful. I spent hours organizing the data. It was really fun…?! Now I can tell who gets invoiced and who paid and separate them into categories. IT’S FANTASTIC!

Stayed up late researching how much adding tracking could be. I had a slight panic attack thinking “what if my books got lost in transit?” It would really hurt me to have to reprint books and ship them again. And then I realized I will need to fill out customs forms for all international orders. Yikes, I’m gonna be living at the post office lol. You can print them out at home if you fill out the form online but there are still some things I’m uncertain about. I may visit the post office later this week to ask all my questions. - This morning I sent out everyone’s invoices. I gave the international people the option to purchase tracking. It’s expensive… but I need to provide that option just in case.

I received a nice message from someone who offered to advertise for me on Instagram. Of course, I gave them the OK! I’m really so shocked they would do that… They said the liked the zine so much it deserved more exposure. My dude… I love you… T_T

I thought about advertising on insta myself earlier in the week. For some reason I felt it was going to be fruitless since I don’t have an art account on there with a following. So, I gave up on the idea. Hey it worked out in the end.

I’ve never been so organized in my entire life. I want this zine experience to be perfect. The people have placed their trust in me, so I cannot mess up. - Edited some pages in the zine. The typography must be perfect… It made me think back to undergrad days in graphic design school. Man, if only I can present this as a project - photos, videos, matching accessories and all. I’d probably get an A lol. - Orders slow down after the first day. The rest is just about getting new people to see the post and giving other people more time to decide.

I finished my Kratos stationery today. It’s going to be so cute. My friend said people would want to buy it but I don’t have it in me to do more products at this time. Plus, I want it to be a surprise.

Why make stationery? Well my real job (no, I don’t draw Kratos all day for a living) is a stationery designer! It would feel really wrong not to put into practice what etiquette I’ve learned in this business. Plus, I felt that it was necessary to properly thank all those who ordered. And it’s fun?

I started designing the shipping labels for the domestic orders since I don’t need to fill out a customs form for those. I wish I had sticker labels but… it’s okay. It will still look good in the end. - Every so often, I would get nervous at the amount of money I’m responsible for. Perhaps, if I had a store with existing products I wouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that the books haven’t been printed yet made me scared. I know, I need this money to even print the books in the first place, but I’m just baffled at my customers’ trust in almost a total stranger. I felt pressured that I could not let them down and lose that trust. It probably didn’t help that I watched a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos) that day.

So, I prayed every single day that nothing would go wrong. I’d check my spreadsheet constantly for any mistakes. It was a little obsessive, but I would rather be that than overlook something.

I began collecting cardboard boxes. My plan was to cut them up to protect the books during transit. I would have preferred hard envelopes but they were a bit pricey. If I have to do more work myself, so be it.

I’ve been getting nice DMs from some buyers. I think my invoice due date scared them… I really did not intend to be strict, but I wanted people to pay now if they can rather than forget about it. This happens at work all the time, so the best thing to do is have it due immediately. It would not look good to have to wait on stragglers when I close pre-orders, so I’ll probably reach out when there is one week left. - My Kratos stationery arrived! Aww it is SO CUTE!!! My babies… I have a lot of notes to write so I got started right away. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to come up with creative ways to say “thank you,” but I don’t mind. I said I was going to put my all into the zine experience so I will.

At long last, the charm order has been put in motion. My friend said it could take a while… I hope it won’t be longer than 3 weeks. I really do not want to keep everyone waiting. I may ship out the ones who did not win a charm first. I mean, there is no reason to make those guys wait. I should ask the charm winners if they still want to wait and see if anyone wants to give it up for someone else who is more patient. Hm. - I finally stopped by the post office today to collect customs forms. I have my work cut out for me since I’m filling all of them in by hand. D:

I’m not used to international addresses so I think I’ll ask for help in checking them for spelling errors and typos. Heaven forbid I mess up on the very last part of the zine experience.

In my nervousness, I decided to reach out about invoices early on. If someone wanted to cancel, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. Everyone was really nice about paying and thank goodness they’re still excited.

Feeling kind of overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, but it’s a good thing. If I don’t know what to do, I can either: cut cardboard, write letters, type shipping labels, draw more Kratos for a… possible volume 2? Someone I talked to today already said they’ll pre-order a second book if I make one. Omg I think I’ll die. But we’ll see. It’s just a joke right now haha… - Preorders end today. I had another nightmare last night that the books could not be printed properly and there was nothing I could do. Why do I keep getting nightmares about the zine! I had one a few days before about people canceling their orders when I asked them about the invoices. I’ll take these dreams with a grain of salt. I’m probably just stressed/worried but everything is going to be okay. When I open my eyes, nothing is on fire.

I received my final proof a few days ago. With all of the artwork completed and changes applied. The book looks good, no doubt about it. There was only one thing I was nit-picky about but it can be fixed. The press operator offered to print another book for me to inspect. I’ll go see it on Monday and then submit the rest of the orders. I also asked to to have a meeting with the press operator so we are on the same page. It would be beneficial to have an understanding of how my book is made so that I may be more helpful to him.

I spent the day preparing shipping labels. I hate to admit, I am not too familiar with the format international addresses so I had an address validator open as I was typing them in. For the most part, everyone was helpful in already formatting their addresses in the preorder form! - My parents called me the day after preorders were closed. They wanted to say congratulations on my success. No one thought it would do this well. I couldn’t be offended by that since I was also guilty of it. I’m happy though. It feels like my love spread across the world and was contagious.

I tried to think of what advice I would give to others. Obviously, genuine love for the subject and hard work were a necessity. But it would be good to consider value. If I were selling it at this price, I had to make sure my pieces and presentation looked the part. I ask myself, if someone else sold it, would I buy it?

I sent out messages to all the charm winners in the morning. I wanted to apologize profusely at the ridiculous amount of time it has taken to get them made. But no, I’ve got to stop apologizing. I stated the facts and left it at that. Everyone was really kind and patient⁠—to which I was thankful for. I don’t usually get that when I’m working customer service. - All the books were done printing in one day. Wow! I went to pick it up immediately of course. I can’t believe all of this is coming to an end. I finished preparing the mailers. All that was left was to stuff and seal the domestic orders. They were the easiest to do so I’m going to ship those first. The rest will need customs forms, which I haven’t filled out just yet. It’s going to be a while for those…

The mailers were quite sturdy with the cardboard cutouts I slipped in them. I have nothing to worry about. I’m sure my babies will be okay! - I took a whole box of domestic orders to the post office today. Wasn’t sure what to expect. But my clerk had to input every single address one at a time while I checked for errors. Omg, why are the post office shipping labels SO HUGE. I thought it was going to be half the size. And they’re ruining my designer labels! Slight panic but oh well…

I had a long long line behind me. I’m so sorry, people. Luckily there were two clerks or I would be really sweating. Despite my intimidating box of zines, the clerk and I had Synergy and we managed to ship all of these in about 15 minutes. I received a very long receipt and quite the bill lol. - Shipped the international orders today. I was kind of a mess since I had no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can help speed up the process in any way but I don’t think I have the option to ship first-class at home.

When shipping international, keep the post office copy of the customs forms together with the package since they use that to type the address info into the system. Also, we get free tracking, which I did not know about. The other clerk told me that we did not get tracking for international first-class but I guess he was misinformed. It’s good to know for next time. - The charms finally arrived!! And THEY’RE HOLOGRAPHIC?! It was pretty awesome, but it makes picture-taking kind of difficult!! Anyway, I was a tiny bit disgruntled that they got my order incorrect, and I even asked for a reprint. But they said no, so I left it at that. Besides, it seems the holographic effect was well-received.

I like this size that I made. It’s really cute! Larger than your normal charm but not too huge. It’s almost like an Instax photo! - There was one customer who I found lives near me! I asked her if she wanted me to hand-deliver it to her in a public setting and she agreed (to my amazement). We finally met a few days ago and talked for hours and hours lol! I’m glad to have finally made a new friend here in this town but of course she’s moving away in two weeks. <:’3

We’re going to meet again to make the most of her time left. - I shipped the rest of the orders on the following Monday. I HAD to get these out. The poor guys have been waiting over a month! I think I picked a bad time to go because I had a huge line behind me and only one guy working. People in line were getting antsy or mad. The clerk at the other post office was super fast but not this guy…

For some reason shipping to the UK and Japan nearly doubled in price since the last time I checked. RIP. T_T - Omg I finally made a mistake. I wrote a letter to the wrong person. And the contents of that letter are too personalized!!! I am dying of embarrassment!!!!! Screams!! Had to apologize to both customers too!!! Luckily they were good sports about it but I’m seriously kicking myself AAAAAAAA!!!! - The most rewarding part after sending all my babies away is seeing the commentary on my project. It is so so nice to receive positive feedback. People are happy! Happy with something I created out of thin air. Everything was worth it 1000 times over. I can die happy!

I’m especially thankful to those who show understanding for how much effort went into it. It definitely wasn’t easy and I poured way too many hours into it… not that I regret that.

I don’t want to jump the gun but I would really love to make a volume 2. Because I know I can do better than last time. New and improved art and comics! But we’ll see if I make enough pieces for another book. I was against printing 40 pages before but now I kind of like it. It feels more worth it than a 25-page zine. If i’m going though so much effort, might as well bring in the entire package.

I’ll be printing more of this volume for Aselia Con 2020. Now I know people will appreciate it.

#diary

[awed-frog]

So, the cuestion about writing it's just... I love writing, I love reading, I love my ideas and I really believe they're good ideas, but I can't finish them and I really don't know why. I thought maybe it was bc I had to plan them better, or bc I had to let myself just write and see what happens in the moment; I thought maybe the problem it's that I should tell them in a different way (like for a comic that then I could draw) but nothing I do works and it really hurts

Hi there! Thanks for writing back! So, what you’re describing is really a common feeling - I think most writers or artists have felt this way and can recognize what you’re describing. I’m going to talk about my experience, and I hope you can find something that you can relate to and that can be helpful to you.

The tl;dr part is, I think there are many possible causes for not being able to finish a story. Here are a few of them:

you’re having technical problems

you’re too much of a perfectionist 

you can’t put on paper what’s in your head

you’re having what I call ‘the Vermeer problem’

you have too many ideas for other stories and can’t focus

you’re experiencing a lack of support for your writing

you are bored with your own story

you’re afraid to finish the story

you can’t finish the story

you can’t tell these things apart

Let’s have a look at them, and remember - I’m talking about my experience here, so this might not apply to you at all. I’m just talking into the void hoping this will help you in some way.

1) This is the most common problem for someone who’s only just starting out. You know your beginning should capture the readers’ attention, but you don’t know how to make that happen. You know the ending should be spectacular and magically solve every issue, but you don’t know how to get there. Since we are rarely taught creative writing in school, this is completely normal, and there’s no easy way to get past it. Like for everything else, you’ll need a lot of practice, and maybe some kind of formal instruction (for instance, this is a good book, but there are many more). So, you know - do what works for you. Maybe join a writers’ club, or an online challenge. Read and reread books you like, and remember to read them ‘with the mind-set of a carpenter looking at trees,’ as Terry Pratchett put it. If you can, write every day - I find codas are a great way to practice, get better and get read (and if you’re comfortable to, you can ask your readers for pointers or criticism). Not being very good at writing is a big problem, but it’s also a problem you can solve. 

2) Being a perfectionist is one of those things that often trips you up more than it helps you, and there are some areas of your life - relationships, foreign languages, writing - where you have to let go of it. If this is an issue for you, remember that everyone is crap when they start out (do you know the original lyrics to Beatles classic Yesterday? ew!) and maybe experiment with breathing exercises, with yoga, or try writing with a soundtrack to get out of your mind a little. So, really - I’m not saying perfectionism is bad, but save it for your baking efforts and last drafts - your first draft gets to be as crappy as it likes.

3) This is a very common problem. When you do creative things, be it writing music or quilting, there’s often a great deal of anxiety and dissatisfaction in finally starting a project because the more your work, the less it looks the way you’d imagined it would. Sometimes I write something that’s supposed to be sad, or that was hilarious and sexy inside my head, and the I reread it and it’s just - flat. This happens to virtually everyone, but there’s something very important we need to remember: in the words of Jim Sollisch, “Writing is the art of figuring out what you know, not the process of recording what you already know”. Think about it like this: the inside of your head is a different country. Writing down a story is like finally getting to that city you’ve been wanting to visit for ages and ages - sure, you’ve seen all the IG pictures and you’ve planned your visit and you’ve fainted and drooled over museum websites and recipes of traditional dishes, but now you’re here, and it’s real, and it’s different. You’re here, and maybe it’s raining, and maybe that famous art gallery is closed on Sundays, and maybe that blueberry pie is way, way too sweet for your taste, but still - you’re here. Isn’t it wonderful? You can smell this city and walk down its street and discover small secret corners you never even knew existed and maybe fall in love with this one person you never ever thought you’d meet. So this, to me, is a necessary step to writing: to accept that daydreaming is good, that planning can be useful, but when the time comes, you have to let go of all of that and discover the reality of what your story is like.

4) I don’t know if you read Tracy Chevalier’s Girl with a Pearl Earring - it’s a favourite of mine, and I reread it a couple of times because I love how she writes UST, how understated and yet vibrantly present the feeling is. And anyway, towards the end of the book, the portrait is finished - this one, I mean -

- and everybody says Vermeer should finally sell it and start painting something else - only, Vermeer is not happy. He takes to spending hours in his studio - not painting, not working - just staring at the thing, because it’s beautiful and balanced and textbook perfect, but something is missing and he doesn’t know what (if you haven’t, please read the book and find out how he solves this, because it’s really beautiful). This is a feeling I often have when I read a first draft - everything that I wanted in there is in there, but something still feels - off. And here, I think, there’s no magic way of solving the problem - you can either ask a beta for help, and hope they see it, or you can keep working on it (and reading other stuff, and practicing, and getting better) until you see it yourself. 

5) This is another familiar feeling: you start writing something and BAM, you’re distracted by something else. And here, you need to find out what kind of person you are, because some blessed people can work on two projects at once, and others just can’t. Me, I always fool myself and think, ‘I’ll just work on both things, a week has seven days, how hard can it be’ - but nope. Right now, for instance, I’ve got about thirty books of Roman history on my desk because there was this story screaming at me and deafening me and I really wanted to get it out of my head, but today I’m finally giving up and bringing all that stuff back to the library and accepting this is not going to happen - not right now. Not as long as I’m writing a different story and I’m in a completely different headspace. And if you’re the same way - just keep a folder, or a notebook, and fill it with these half ideas and pieces of dialogue and then put them out of your mind. One story at a time - that’s a good and reasonable goal. Because another problem of a beautiful and tantalizing scenario popping into your mind when you’re struggling to finish a chapter for something else is - that other thing is automatically going to look more appealing, because it’s not real, because it’s untested, because you haven’t ruined it yet. And that’s why you’re tempted to abandon that stupid thing you’ve got in your hands that’s not working and go pursue something else. But, again, that’s probably not the best idea. Sometimes you just need to see a story through, no matter what.

6) That said, it’s hard to finish a story when you’re keeping it to yourself. I used to be paranoid about sharing things, but fanfiction helped me to appreciate the importance of feedback. So even if you’re writing original fiction, it could be a good idea to give fanfiction a try - signing up for a bang could help you to stay motivated and focused (you’ll have a beta, and maybe an artist!), and writing codas will usually get you some attention, because many people will automatically look for codas and ‘missing scenes’ after the end of an episode. If you’re not interested in that, consider sharing your work with a friend, a teacher, or a writers’ group. 

7) This is a tough one. Maybe you’re writing fanfiction and fall out of love with the show. Maybe you’re writing original fiction but you’re no longer interested in the story. It’s okay - not every story is meant to be. You’re allowed to give up (and you never know - there are writers who go back to their manuscripts ten years later, so I would advise against burning everything in a fit or rage). The trick here is giving up for the right reasons, so before you decide to walk away, look at your story again and ask yourself: what is it that’s not working? Could this get better with a new, exciting character? Should I drop this stale plot twist? Go with a different ending? If you can get your mojo back by shifting the pieces around, give it another try; but if the whole thing’s just a chore, and you simply lost interest, move on.

8) Many of us have a problem with endings. Ending a story usually means leaving your characters behind, and close a period of your life. If you write longer stories, fics and novels are like songs - they’re usually tied to very specific moments, and in letting them go you also let a part of yourself go. Plus, there’s always a lot of pressure on getting the ending right, because that can make or break a story, and it’s often the moment when big things happen - maybe there’s a slowburn that’s getting real, and you’re afraid the long awaited kiss won’t measure up to the fireworks display you implicitly promised your readers. Or maybe someone’s dying, and you’re not ready to say goodbye. Or maybe the big plot twist you’ve been teasing forever and ever just seems childish now, and you’re not sure how to make it more impressive. Whatever the reason, endings are hard. But, again, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. A lot of things can change between your first and last draft, so you have some time there. If you’re writing fanfiction, your readers will appreciate to finally know what happens, and if you’re hoping to publish your manuscript, an editor will probably help you to shift things around and make them better. Plus, as difficult as it is to say goodbye to this world you know intimately well, there’s also a sense of relief in finishing anything that takes up so much of your time and soul. It feels good. So: breathe. Relax. Write. 

9) A distinct problem is that you objectively can’t finish the story, or even get past the middle, or past two pages of heartbreaking dialogue, because you simply don’t know enough about that world yet. You have this great idea but you’d need to be an expert in microbiology, or cordon bleu cuisine, or deep space, to make it work. Or maybe you’re daydreaming about your very own Westeros, but your writing keeps getting interrupted by stupid, yet necessary details (how far away are these two cities? how fast can horses travel? what kind of swear words would a character with a made-up religion use?). If you’re devoted to your story, and determined to make it work, you’ll need to do research and plan and get answers to your questions before starting to write too extensively, because the wrong scientific detail can make your entire plot collapse. And the thing is, doing research is not always possible. Maybe you don’t have time right now, or access to the right resources (speaking of, there are some excellent blogs here on tumblr that will help you with making stuff more believable - a favourite of mine is @howtofightwrite). So, it’s painful, but there are some projects that need to be postponed, and others that will probably never happen at all. 

10) Finally, a big problem is that sometimes it’s hard to tell these things apart. Are you bored with your story because you can’t write a certain scene, or is it just a boring story? Are you being a perfectionist, or is this chapter actually out of balance and weird? Is this ambitious story too much for your current skills and knowledge, or are you just giving up? There is no easy answer to these questions, which is why I think it’s important to not walk away too easily - maybe come back when you’re in a better mood, or change your writing soundtrack, or set up a fake interview with yourself explaining why you’re so happy your novel is now taught in every school in America. If you can’t write, try drawing. If you can’t draw, create a moodboard for your characters, or a fake Wikipedia entry for your imaginary country. Play around with your story. Switch POVs. Create walls. Write scenes you won’t necessarily include in your final draft - get your characters trapped in an elevator, have them fired, have them hurt someone, or reminisce on childhood memories, or trudge through a really bad day. Go through writing prompts or shower thoughts or creepy Wikipedia entries and write something about that. Try to truly be honest with yourself, day after day (maybe keep a diary?), so you can get better at understanding whether it’s time to power through or time to take a break. 

Finally, I think that engaging in creative activities, whatever they may be, should be a way to make your life better, not worse. There are times when you’re just not inspired, times when you have zero ideas and zero wish to write or art or do anything, times when it’s actually better to focus on other things - your studies, your work, traveling, relationships - so that one day you’ll have something to write about. And that’s okay. Writing is like life - it’s messy, and it changes, and you change, and you just have to be patient with yourself and find a balance between loving the hell out of it and not take it too seriously. I hope this could help with getting you started, and I wish you all the best for your life and those stories crowding inside you, waiting to be told.

#ask #writing #writing tips #writing advice #writing is hard #and lonely #imo you're amazing for even trying it #pat yourself on the back #and be kind to yourself #you can do the thing #<3

[sunshine-captain]

I finished The City on The Edge of Forever, and I gotta say....I enjoyed it, but I like the episode a lot more. the book has some nice things about it, but overall the episode is much more to my taste.

things I like:

the fact that it’s a graphic novel? I know that’s like, not a storyline thing, but it’s cool! I don’t have any trek comics so the comic is a new experience for me. it’s cool! the art is pretty good, although occasionally goofy (spock and jim are both drawn with their fair share of silly-but-not-meant-to-be faces, lmao)

Jim and edith’s relationship gets a little more screentime, I guess? it shows them spending more time together, and it feels a little natural when they wind up in love. I still like the build in the show though...but they’re sweet together in the book, too

we don’t really get the same domesticity with spock and jim that we do in the show, but there are some moments. spock and jim apparently go to a movie together: “you don’t make a half-bad chinese laborer. they barely looked at you in that ‘movie theater’ last night. Twenty-three skidoo, kiddo.” (don’t even ask about that last part, idfk.)

one part that made me giggle was spock and jim chilling on a roofstop being creepers and watching edith and jim tells spock to go get some sleep, spock asks if there’s anything to eat, and jim responds, “I bought nine pounds of cabbage and asparagus. the grocer’s is beginning to look at me.”

the disabled ww I veteran. I liked him, that made me sad :C

spock inviting jim to come with him to vulcan to heal ;______; “on my world, the nights are very long. the sound of the silver birds against the sky is very sweet. my people know there is always time enough for everything. you could come with me for a rest. you would feel comfortable there.” klfdj;gdfgkjdfgj

things I don’t like:

(under a readmore bc it got LONG and I spoiler stuff...uh...if you can have spoilers for this, anyway, lol. also I get really pissed and idk. but read my reasons for declaring the episode to be definitely superior)

spock is...really unspock like?! it feels like they got him and bones mixed up, honestly. it grated heavily on my nerves tbh because one thing I love about spock is his open mind and curiosity and desire for knowledge. when they go to an alien planet, bones or someone else will be mad about the planet or its customs and spock will be the reasonable one who is logical about it (see: the argument spock and bones have in the apple) and even if he doesn’t like or approve of a custom or whatever he usually can figure out why the people do what they do. he’s taken on aspects of bones’ personality in the book. for example, when they first go through into the past (not the guardian of forever but multiple guardian spirit things, that are just a little too complimentary towards humans and eager to show them the past. I liked how dismissive the guardian was in the show, lol) they run into a mob of people who are pissed about foreigners “stealing their jobs” and then they see spock and think he’s chinese (grit my teeth the whole book through at spock being called “chinee”, that’s gotta be a slur or something, it feels like) and the mob chases him and jim into a basement. where spock precedes to call the humans barbarians and say “tell me earthmen have uplifted my race!” and then jim responds that he should have “left spock for the mob” (?!!?!?!?! has anything ever sounded more out of character for these two!!!! literally just let me recount this conversation to you because I am so offended at its existence.

spock: barbarian world! jim: they were hungry, and afraid. spock: as violent as any aboriginal world we ever landed on. jim: alright, we’re safe now. spock: I would call this anything but “safe”...barbarians!

see what I mean???? that’s my main issue but I actually have a couple others lol.

oh I just noticed spock referred to the main baddie, a gross drug dealer, as a monster. wow. even more unspock like.

the lack of bones. I don’t say that just as someone who loves bones, I think the story genuinely suffered due to him not being there. as I mentioned, the bad guy is a drug dealer lowlife from the enterprise named beckwith. he gets alien races hooked on some crazy drug he’s got, steals their stuff, and profits off of it. he caused a slaughter on some planet. he’s gross, right? well he runs off into the past and jim and spock follow him. they know eventually that edith is the important focal point that can very easily change the whole future, and that she has to die; well at the end, seemingly completely out of character with his greasy lowlife self, beckwith tries to save her when she steps out onto the street. spock and jim stop him, and there’s a moral at the end at how evil can still do good, or something like that. but it doesn’t have the same emotional impact!!! okay, so bones goes into the past through a silly plot device (falling onto his own hypo, lmao), but then edith saves him and takes care of him. and he unknowingly alters the future by saving the life of a woman who was kind to him, and because he’s a doctor that cares about all life and he protects it whenever he can. he doesn’t mean any harm, he was just trying to save the person who helped him. and jim is his best friend, and he has to grab bones and stop him from doing it and he has to hear it happen and bones has to watch her die and spock is watching the whole thing

I JUST REWATCHED THAT SCENE IT’S SO SAD!!!!! “you deliberately stopped me, jim. I could have saved her. do you know what you just did?” the horror in mccoy’s face!!!! obviously this is horrible for jim but I never appreciated how sad that was for bones too (especially if you go back like a minute and see him talking to edith and smiling cutely at her) and for spock (BC HE KNOWS HOW MUCH JIM IS HURTING! AND HE’S BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME WATCHING JIM GETTING CLOSER TO HER EVEN THO HE KNEW IT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA! and he was pining so hard for jim the whole time) I’m honest to god in tears now

anyway as you can see the story suffers very much for the lack of mccoy. it’s less painful and less impactful and they get preachy with morals at the end in the book but IT’S NOT THE SAME

also harlan ellison is annoying af, his high anf mighty attitude about “what was done” to his script. sorry dude, the changes were good and the episode is superior and you don’t know the characters well enough.

tl;dr the book is a neat thing to own (I’m glad I have it and will prolly flip through it again) but the episode is v much superior

#trek merch #trek books #count it as one #i love mccoy #this book made me appreciate him soo much more

[datingadviceonreddit]

TL;DR He has a girlfriend and I’m just gutted. It sucks to feel so heartbroken over someone I never even dated.I’m just gonna lay out all the details so someone can objectively lmk how to improve my game, as I keep analyzing every bit of this while wallowing in self pity lol.I matched with this guy on Tinder in April 2017, but we never met up til January 2018 because I live a couple hours away and our schedules never lined up when I visited his city then. First mistake - I started the tinder convo just talking about art based on one of his tattoos, didn’t tell him how cute I think he is, made the convo all about our mutual interests... we have a LOT in common, but I forgot about the flirting even when he sent a message about how much he likes my style. We followed each other on IG and would DM on there as well as text, and when we finally met up it was for coffee. Second mistake, he asked me what I wanted and I blurted out “I’ll pay”(?!) and placed my own order, which I feel like was turning it away from any possibility of being a date. As we were chatting (convo was really easy and fun), he called me pretty at one point and i just laughed it off. We then walked around, I took a couple film photos of him, visited a record store, then happily parted ways as I had to catch a bus back home.The next day, he messaged me while high at 4 am about journalism stuff, asking me about a novel he recommended me, and lastly saying it was “nice to have a friend to talk to about journalist issues who is also super rad” which is sweet but also like, ouch @ “friend” - I guess I should have known it was doomed from then.The thing is, I built up this idealized version of him and to this day I can’t find a single flaw - but then again, we’ve only met in person a couple times and all our other interactions have been through texting or social media. It’s delusional, but I would be so happy whenever we unearthed another common interest or shared view. He’d message me and comment on my posts with cute nicknames, yet the rational part of me knew he is like that with all of his friends. All that reasoning aside, in my head I’m still like he’s fucking PERFECT and I adore him and I wish I could spend more time with him and my heart gets all glittery every time he talks to me.Months passed as I was busy with finishing the year of uni til april then studying for a summer exam, and he went overseas and came back at the time when I went overseas. All said and done, we hadn’t seen each other for a long time so in October he texted me saying he missed me, asked when he was gonna see me, and asked about a recent event I’d been to. I let him know I’d be there for Halloween weekend, and he said he wants to go out to some functions together, so naturally I was excited. Closer to the weekend I DMd him asking if he has plans, and I said we should get drinks before anything that’s happening in the eve. Again he said he def wants to see me, and he’d lmk what his plans are. After that he kept replying to my stories and commenting on my posts and so on, but I didn’t hear from him til he called me at midnight on Friday night (I missed the call) then texted me in all caps asking me what I’m up to. I told him about the club my friends and I were headed to, and he told me he was so excited to see me, and at this point I was like (!!) even though part of me suspected he was dating a girl he posted on his story with the caption “j-school date” (although it could have been a study date, I sorta reassured myself lol)So I leave the house party I’m at and I’m at this club with my friends at 1 AM, when he taps my shoulder and I’m all happy to see him, we hug and gush over each other’s costumes and THEN //// he goes “this is my girlfriend, (name)!”Not to be fucking dramatic but my heart dropped in that moment. I overcompensated by being really thrilled to meet her lol, and I also introduced him to a few of my close friends. One of them asked how we met, to which we both replied “tinder”, and he was like “Yeah I’ve actually made more friends on tinder than gone on dates!”.... like FUCKKKK. I knew it was coming, I didn’t really make my interest clear, and both of us are queer and really friendly w everyone so I guess even affectionate names and stuff don’t do the trick right off the bat, if that makes sense. For the rest of the night after he left (he had just dropped in for a bit to catch up with me), I was super sad and just ended up staring into space while my friends asked if I’m good. I’m so disappointed because I know we wouldn’t be able to date bc of the distance, and I’m not moving to the city until likely next year.. but it still hurts to see him with someone else. I know it’s ridiculous because we haven’t been together in person much, however even from those encounters I felt so comfortable with him and he’s clearly adored by everyone who knows him. He’s just a genuinely good person who gets my interests and my politics and would be the perfect friend if I wasn’t so terribly attracted to him.I feel like I’m never going to find my “person” because I over analyze everything about dating due to my lack of experience. Part of this stems from growing up in a household that doesn’t allow dating, but even now that I have more flexibility I feel like I’m playing catch up. I focus too much on my own self loathing to the point where I doubt people who express any interest in me, and I feel afraid to make a straightforward first move except in a drunk hookup situation. Generally matching with someone on tinder indicates that there’s mutual interest, but even then I manage to spin be situation and think maybe this person just wants to be friends. I’m not as afraid to flirt with people who I just want to hook up with, but with this guy I really thought he was cool so I didn’t act aloof and make plans for a one night stand, I tried to get to know him as a friend. The more I write about it, the more stupid I feel but I just needed to vent. It’s not like he was leading me on, but it’s just usually when a guy has expressed wanting to see me it’s been because he’s into me so I gave myself false hope. I want to stop obsessing over all the details, but there’s no one in my smaller city (picture: a lot of white frat guys) who’s even remotely like him, he seems to be like the epitome of my type. I just want to focus on my studies and my work and forget about dating until I move, but I also can’t stop thinking about him and letting this whole thing wear down my self confidence.Also, sorry I used the word “feel” SO damn much as I look back at this lol I’m just gonna smash the “post” button without editing via /r/dating_advice

#dating #dating advice #reddit

[hbnewsnetworkblog]

Discovering Your True Colors – Quiz

http://hbnewsnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/true-colors.jpg

We have all heard that no matter how hard we try, our true colors are going to show. But what if a true color was based on an actual color? While most of us may have a favorite color, each of us has a dominant true color as well.

A true color is defined as a color that defines our preferred way of being, learning, and doing things; it’s the way we essentially go about life. There are four distinct true colors and they are as follows: blue, orange, gold, and green. To discover how the colors were established and to discover which color best represents your personality read on.

    Discovering Your True Colors

    History

The True Colors personality assessment system was established in 1979. Don Lowry, the creator of the True Color system, based his work on the work of previous psychologists and philosophers. The work of Hippocrates and Plato were one of the biggest influences. During 460 BC to 425 BC these classical thinkers held ideas about individuals and how they vary in temperament. These early thinkers also held ideas of how character traits and individual personalities differ from person to person.

Later on when Don Lowry created his system he applied distinct colors to specific character traits. Hence, the four true colors each represent a certain personality type. People are not solely one color, but one color is usually more dominant than the other three.

There are also positives and negative aspects to each color. Just like every individual has pluses and minuses to their distinct personality, the true colors are the same way. Below are each of the four colors and a basic description of each one. Included are also the positive characteristics to each color as well as their respective criticisms. As you read, try to get an idea as to which color most reflects your personality.

  Blue

The Positives

Those who have blue as their main true color tend to be sensitive and emotional. They are often sympathetic towards others and are advocates of peace and harmony. Many of those of the blue color tend to go into professionals where they can help others.

Blue individuals also tend to have a creative side to their personality. Some enjoy creating things while others have an appreciation for the arts. Many of those with the blue trait are viewed as being romantic. They are typically romantic in their relationships and are generally affectionate.

  The Negatives

While the empathetic and expressive side of blue personalities are usually valued, those who have a different dominant color true color see blues as being over-emotional or dramatic. Blues are also seen as being gullible as a result of their sympathetic nature. Many view blues as simply being “too nice.”

Those of other colors often view blues as being excessive talkers. Not only do blue personalities have a reputation of being too talkative but ones who stray from the topic. Blues are guilty of getting off topic and have a shorter focus. Because of the blues straying and sometimes non-conformist nature, others get frustrated with a blue’s lack of ability to adhere to policy. Since blues are more creative and think outside of the box they might ignore procedures and protocol and do what they feel is right.

  Gold

The Positives

Individuals with gold as their dominant true color are usually known to be hard workers. Their source of motivation can differ however. Sometimes they work for gain of wealth, sometimes it’s just important for them to get the job finished. Nonetheless, when it comes to putting in overtime to get the job done, most gold personalities don’t mind putting in the time.

Members of the gold personality community also are good at following directions. They adhere to authority and the law, and they are generally good citizens. Gold personalities appreciate order and regulations. Many believe gold-natured people to be traditional and even predictable in their actions.

When working in a group setting gold individuals are good at getting the group to accomplish the task at hand. They are viewed as being the responsible ones. At the work place, golds are quite punctual. In addition, they are very organized and usually excel at planning. Of the four colors, golds are the best at finishing a job after starting it.

  The Negatives

While gold members are the gold-star earners in the category of productivity, not everyone sees them as perfect. While many bosses came into their role on account of their gold characteristics, they do receive their fair share of complaints. Many gold personalities are too rigid and inflexible to new ideas or even change in general. Non-gold personalities often complain of them being too controlling and well, “bossy.”

The negative opinions of gold characters also go beyond the workplace. In personal relationships, their traditional ways can be viewed as boring or unimaginative. Others often complain that their gold partner is stubborn and demanding. While gold individuals see themselves as economical and sensible, others tend to view them as unfriendly and uptight.

  Green

The Positives

“Independent thinkers,” is the term most commonly used to describe those with a green true color personality. Those who have this dominant color essentially love using their brain. Whether it is solving puzzles, exploring ideas, or being innovative, green personalities enjoy thinking. Being able to think abstractly is typically one of their strong suits. They also tend to be very analytical. Those of the green true color are also usually good at being calm and collected. They are able to step back and look at the picture, rather than getting caught up in a single aspect.

When it comes to their career, those belonging to the green true color group like careers that require the use of brain power. Many green individuals choose jobs that are challenging and require problem solving skills. They also tend to steer away from careers that are routine and repetitive; they enjoy being faced with new challenges.

  The Negatives

One of the biggest complaints individuals of other colors have with green personalities is that they seem unfriendly or cold. This is typically because green-natured people aren’t as emotionally expressive as some of the other colors; it is often harder to communicate with them. Because of the reserved nature of their personality, many people of other colors often feel excluded by those who lean green.

Green-natured people are often criticized about not caring about other people’s feelings. Those with a green dominant color have a tendency to state what they believe to accurate, and this doesn’t always sit well with those who are more sensitive emotionally.

Another gripe other colors have against the green personalities is that they are too brainy. Their habit of elevated thinking coupled with their cool demeanor causes many people to view green individuals as being intellectual snobs. In other words, many believe that greens think they are smarter than everyone else. And many hold the view that greens think they are right all of the time whether they really are or aren’t.

  Orange

The Positives

Those with orange as their true color tend to be the life of the party. They want to have fun in life. Individuals with orange as their dominant color love to the center of attention. Also, they like to entertain and amuse others.

Orange individuals typically have a bolder personality. They are spontaneous and daring. Having fun and adventure in life is extremely important for them. Those with orange was their dominant true color also display a great deal of charm and wit when initially meeting them.

In the world of work those who are orange-minded are most successful in careers where they don’t have to sit still all day long. They are very hands-on oriented and like to use tools. They also aren’t afraid to get involved. A career that is physical and allows for independence is one that is usually well-suited for someone with orange character traits.

  The Negatives

While orange people see themselves as being pretty great to be around, not everyone else thinks so. Because of their spontaneous and impulsive ways, others of different true colors tend to view them as being flakey. Others also view orange personalities as being undependable and irresponsible. It is often difficult for orange individuals to commit to something. Having fun is important to orange personalities, but is not always valued by others. Those of different colors often feel their fun is self-serving and that they are selfish. Immature is another complaint many people have of those of the orange personality type. Additionally, many people complain that oranges are manipulative and untrustworthy. Those who wish to tell a secret and have it kept often find that orange personalities fail in this area.

  Discovering your true color – The Quiz

Step 1

After reading the brief descriptions of the four colors hopefully you are forming an idea as to what your dominant true color is. But if not, there are other ways to get a grasp as to what color most represent you. To get a glimpse into what your strongest true colors are take this quick quiz. Below are ten rows of different words. For each row of words write down, or make a mental note, of the word you think best describes your personality. Select only one word per row.

1) Spontaneous, Responsible, Compassionate, Inventive 2) Competitive, Dependable, Communicative, Curious 3) Adventuresome, Organized, Poetic, Theoretical 4) Daring, Procedural, Inspirational, Composed 5) Courageous, Conventional, Sympathetic, Philosophical 6) Open-minded, Loyal, Warm, Complex 7) Active, Traditional, Genuine, Determined 8) Fun, Orderly, Affectionate, Knowledgeable 9) Skillful, Sensible, Tender, Rational 10) Opportunistic, Conservative, Artistic, Complex

  Step 2

Now that you chose your ten key words, it’s time to total them up. Add up how many words you have circled for each of the four columns. If you selected words mostly from the very left column, then your dominant true color is orange. The words in the second to left column best describe those of the gold true color. If the column second to the right received your highest total, then your personality is mainly blue. Lastly, if most of your selected words are from the very right column, then green is your dominant true color.

While most individuals do have a single, dominant color, each of us has characteristics from all four of the colors. If you want to take your true color discovery further, add up your circled words for all four of the columns. The second highest column is your second dominant color and so on. Some people may have their second place color be numerically close to their main color. Others may have a huge gap numerically from their dominant color to their second color. Also, while we each have a dominant color, our second place true color could end up in a tie of two different colors. Everyone is different and comes with their unique blend of colorful characteristics.

    Applying True Colors to Real Life

    Knowing your true color is helpful in making discoveries about your own personality. It can help you choose careers more wisely, and direct your life in a way that is more fulfilling. But realizing your true color is useful for other reasons as well. Being able to identify your true color characteristics and the true colors of those you interact with can help make for better relations.

Being able to identify true color characteristics can help improve interactions in the work place. It can also help to build stronger personal relationships – whether that is with a romantic partner, friend, or even family members. Read on to discover how using the true color system can lead to better relationships.

  True Colors in the Work Place

Liking everyone at the workplace may be impossible, but getting along better with colleagues and bosses is possible. If you know your true color personality you definitely know what is important to you. But being able to discern the true colors of other people might help you see what is important to them. While this doesn’t necessarily mean you have to change your views and values, you can change how you do things so that it jives better with those you work with.

Consider the following examples. If you have a blue personality and your boss is green learn to not get offended if he or she isn’t as outwardly excited about your idea as you are. Or, if you are green and work with employees who are more blue-natured it may be beneficial to give them time to express frustrations they have at work. If you are gold, make allowances if an orange-oriented colleague overlooks something that you deem essential. Or heaven forbid, wants to make a change within the system. If you are orange, try and remember that time is very important to a lot of people and to be respectful of appointment times.

  Also Read: How To Be Happier And Healthier At Work

  Even by making a few minor modifications toward those with different true colors can lead to better relations at work. Overall, this helps to create a more pleasant work environment. Doing simple changes might even help you to like your job better in the long run.

  Doesn’t Seem To Be Working?

Of course if you have tried to implement positive changes over a period of time and are still unhappy at work further measures are necessary. It may be time to assess your personality a bit further. You may have a strong true color that is not aligned with your current career. For example, if your orange is your personality type and you are not content in a job that involves sitting at a computer all day long working with numbers, then a career in finance or accounting might not be for you.

While minor changes can make a workplace more enjoyable, a job that directly clashes with your dominant color traits can be miserable. If your job is a constant source of angst it may be time to shop for a new career all together. Taking an interest inventory test or meeting with a career counselor will allow you to explore new career fields. Hopefully, you’ll find interest in a pathway that is more suitable for your own personality.

  True Colors in Personal Relationships

At the start of a promising relationship it is easy to get swept away or blinded by lust. The excitement of a new relationship doesn’t always allow us to clearly see the true colors of our partner. But sooner or later they show up; they always do.

When the true colors do eventually surface it may be easy jump ship. But rather than believe that the relationship is going to drown give the true color personality system a try. First off, recognize the fact that your significant other’s true color blend is different than yours and always will be. To find out what that color blend is, you may want to have him or her take the true color quiz above as well.

What you need or expect out of a relationship is going to be different than your partner. For instance, if you are with someone who is blue-natured he or she is going to want to frequently talk about the status of the relationship. That blue partner is going to want to talk about your relationship a lot more than you want to talk about it.

  So How Can 2 Different Colors Work?

If you happen to be gold it may be ideal to establish a regular time frame during the week in which the two of you can talk about the relationship. An arrangement like this can bring satisfaction to both parties. The blue gets to express feelings and frustrations, while the blue gets it to be a procedure rather than an on-going whine fest.

Trying to find solutions or common ground takes time and finesse. Some approaches may work well, others may be a complete bust. But if both partners see that the other is trying to work with his or her personality this usually leads to a deeper level of respect and commitment.

The true color personality system is also useful when trying to get along with family members. If you have kids you know that they have different ideas than you do. And they think and operate differently from their siblings as well. By taking into account their individual true colors you can hopefully help to run a household with few fights and arguments. Because every member’s color blend is unique, the approach you use with one family member may not with another.

  Also Read: Online Dating Mantras You Should Live By

  Further Resources

When feelings are hurt and frustrations built up it is difficult to put in a plan of action right away. Sometimes tensions need to cool down. Sometimes it’s beneficial to meet with a family therapist or counselor. Having an outsider look at relationships offers a differ view of the problems and dynamics. They can also offer solutions on how to communicate more effectively. Many mental health professionals even have had training in the true colors personality spectrum.

If you want to get more information about the true colors personality system, you may want to check out True Colors INTL. This website offers more resources for reading and assessments for taking. They even hold workshops and training for those who wish to have a deeper understanding of the true colors personality spectrum and its benefits.

There are a variety of assessments that can help you gain a deeper understanding of your personality. The true colors classification is simpler than many of them since there are just four colors or personality types. If you want a more in-depth analysis you might want to consider taking the Myers-Brigs Type Indicator (MBTI). This assessment has been frequently used since the 1960’s in helping people learn about themselves. This test is based on the works of psychologist Carl G Jung and classifies individuals into 16 different personality types.

When taking an assessment your mood of the day can certainly affect your answers. It is even possible to retake the same assessment a few minutes later and get a completely different result. But if you take personality test consistently, and over time, you will gain a truer understanding of who you really are.

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