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missmorosis · 3 years

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here’s our bus route map for my bus ride! (masterlist!)

here’s the original event post :)

HI EVERYONE!! i just wanted to thank you all for your participation BECAUSE AAAAAA YOU GUYS DELIVERED AND UGH I WAS LITERALLY SO WORRIED NOBODY WAS GONNA WRITE ANYTHING BUTSJFLKFASDF

ALL OF YOU ARE SO TALENTED OKAY??? LIKE BYE I WAS BLOWN AWAY

I WAS SO EXCITED FOR THIS EVENT HEHEHE I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO SO MUCH!! AND THE FACT THAT YOU SPENT TIME ON THIS EVENT 😭😭MWAH MWAHH

THANK YOU AGAIN FOR 400!! MUCH LOVE AND HUGS AND KISSES :D

ALSO SORRY AHHA THIS WAS POSTED SO LATE

WE IGNORE HOW IT’S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO GET FROM LA TO LONDON VIA BUS JKDFJKFJK

here’s how i formatted it!

title- author’s @!

pairing genre warnings word count their summary that they made

-> my review!

let’s take a look at our map...

starting from LA, heading to bilbao! we’ll stop along the bus stops on our way!

and yes im aware that the route is going in a weird, illogical way if bilbao is our last stop, shush i wasnt thinking when i made bilbao our last city KJDFJKS

masterlist under the cut!!

now arriving at... los angeles, California!

-> write an AU!! the AU can be literally anything: royalty AU? road trip AU? GO FOR IT!! just as long as it’s not in the canon era hehehe

first stop... “something only the stars know” - @luvoratomi

pairing: suna rintarou x gn!reader genre: secret relationship au, royal au, crown prince!suna, knight!reader, established relationship, fluff, angst word count: 544 their summary: in which you and crown prince, suna rintarou, find comfort in each other’s arms underneath the moonlight, where only the stars are witnesses of your love.

-> my review: um. nayru. OKAY IM CONSTANTLY BLOWN AWAY BY YOUR TALENT AND THIS IS NO EXCEPTION. i dont even KNOW who rintarou is but im in love with him. ALSO I DONT THINK IVE EVER READ A ROYAL AU BUT KLASDFJ THIS WAS SO?? WELL?? WRITTEN?? ive reread it at LEAST 5 times.

next stop... an untitled zombie au from @eunoianthia

pairing: yamaguchi tadashi x female!reader genre: zombie au, angst :) warnings: a lot of angst, death, a bit of gore? word count: 1.1k their summary: going to Los Angeles was a dream, and you were finally achieving it. It’s like a dream come true, going to Los Angeles and your boyfriend tagging along? What could go wrong?

-> my review: OKAY WAIT THIS IS THE FIRST ZOMBIE AU IVE EVER READ. like EVER. AND WHAT I DIDNT EXPECT IT TO HURT THIS MUCH. i- the ending- PLEASE I- i dont even know what to say. how COULD YOU.

now arriving at... 3:38 am from @arquitecturadelanada

pairing: zuko x fem!reader genre: roommates au, i would say fluff! warnings: none! word count: 1.1k their summary: As sokka’s best man zuko has to write a heartfelt speech for the wedding day, the only issue? he doesn’t believe in love, but maybe his roommate can change his perception on the matter.

-> my review: so youre saying this whole time youve been supporting my writing when YOU WRITE BETTER THAN I DO?? ugh you’re so talented this isn’t funny, and this fic ALMOST MAKES ME WANT TO BECOME AN ATLA BLOG AGAIN BAHHA- “he noticed he was considerably less stressed just by hearing his roommate’s voice” IM GONNA CRY

last stop... “what are the odds” from @hikariakaashi

pairing: kuroo x fem!reader genre: roommates au, i would say fluff! warnings: none! word count: 3.2k their summary: it was an act of desperation, to say the least, downloading the app lev recommended for him. but he was in dire need of a wedding date. so when kuroo opened up the brightly colored app titled rent a girlfriend, he knew he was in for an interesting evening.

-> my review: so uh 1) i remember writing a review for this and i have no idea where it went IM SO SORRY DSKJFJ and 2) i would do anything for kuroo to be my bf even if it was just my job 😩😩 and 3) um ??? YOURE SO TALENTED?? MISS MA’AM??

now arriving at... london, england!

-> breakup fic time </3 you can make it an angsty breakup, or a fluffy exes to lovers!

first stop... “i love(d) you”- @floralkawa

pairing: tsukishima x reader! genre: angst! warnings: none! word count: 300 their summary: one where tsukishima never showed his love. making it onesided, leading poor f/n on in a bitter relationship. of course, no one can handle it forever, can they ?

-> my review: this is the reason why i dont like angst. i felt this IN MY HEART, OKAY? NOELLE YOU LIED & SAID YOU COULDN’T WRITE FEELINGS. i hate it I HATE IT I HATE IT. but ugh youre talented enough to pull anything off and your angst is PROBABLY the only ones ill read willingly :(

next stop... “i should have seen the signs”- @kirishimas-manly-eyeliner

pairing: oikawa x reader! genre: angst! warnings: none! word count: 2k their summary: going to the city of love and london was supposed to be an exhilarating vacation after a long week of exams. as it seems, love is fake and so is toru oikawa.

-> my review: um. this kinda hurted me tho. how am i even allowed to be friends with you like ?? miss ma’am? YOURE SO TALENTED??? i hate angst and ill say it again: I HATE ANGST. IT HURTS IT HUUUURRTSS. OIKAWA MY BABY WOULD NEVER DO THAT BUT HE DID. I CANSTEALK I CANT DEAL WITH THIS

now arriving at... berlin, germany!

first stop... “Spring Chills”- @wesokkasimp

pairing: oikawa x reader! genre: fluff! warnings: none! word count: 447 their summary: you and Oikawa go for a walk on a chilly spring day. beware: banter ahead

-> my review: 😐😑😐 my heart wasn’t prepared for this. AND!! I BET Y/N LOOKED GREAT IN THAT TANK TOP; OIKAWA BETTER HAVE GIVEN HIS JACKET TO HER AFTERWARDS. jacket + tank top = cute outfit smh

next up... “warm and fuzzy”- @oikawaplssteponme

pairing: kuroo x reader! genre: fluff, a hint of angst, childhood friends to lovers, ‘boy next door’ warnings: one swear word, kuroo calls the reader ‘pretty’ however no gender pronouns are used, mini make out word count: 1.4k their summary: n/a but a quote: "The lights in your room were dim. Their golden-yellow tone shone above you, though you paid little attention to what was going on inside your room. You were much more interested in what was happening outside.”

-> my review: wait this actually reminds me of me and my front door neighbor GOODBYE AKLSJDF I MISS HIM :( ANYWAYS BAHHAHA- see you never miss 😐 i think awkward tetsu is underrated BYEALKSF THIS WAS SO CUTE I CANTASEKL

last stop... “ice cold”- @kyotarou

pairing: tsukishima x reader genre: fluff! warnings: bit of fanon tsukki, mutual pining, smidge of angst, fluff word count: 700+ their summary: n/a but a quote: “Asshole was the best word to describe Tsukishima Kei. He was an asshole to his peers, and it didn’t change towards you, his best friend.”

-> my review: mY TSUKISHIMA HEART OMG- okay OKAY I THOUGHT I GREW OUT OF MY LOVE FOR HIM BUT ITS ALL COMING BACK ASLKJFDL- oh to share a jacket and be vulnerable with tsukishima ✋😩 once again bestie youre so talented it isnt funny

now arriving at... bilbao, spain!

our only stop in this city... "break-in”- @kohi-zeri

pairing: iwazumi x reader! genre: fluff!! warnings: mentions of food and common illnesses, use of “darling” and “brat” word count: 1.4k their summary: n/a but a quote: “there’s something so… infuriating about having a migraine. especially when it’s uncalled for.”

-> my review: i cant express to you how much i love sickfics. like JLSDFLJKFSALJ SADFL I CANT- ALSO I READ THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN I HAD THE WORST HEADACHE SO WHENEVER MY HEAD HURTS I COME REREAD THIS BAHAHHA-

here’s what some of our passengers are saying...

one passenger says “Wait. Stand right there, I want to take a picture of you.”

“pretty petals, pretty pictures”- @shxyo-sho

pairing: iwazumi x reader! genre: fluff, mutual pining, just two best friends crushing on each other warnings: none! word count: 590 their summary: If you could describe your best friend, Kiyoko, in one word; what would it be? I would pick the word, flawless.

-> my review: repeat after me: kiyoko is a queen. and YOU DO HER JUSTICE I ASFDLKJ PLEASE- in all honesty i would be blushing if kiyoko said a word to me too- y/n you arent alone ✋😩

another passenger asks “Why aren’t you asleep?”

"night owl”- @atlabeth

pairing: sokka x reader! genre: fluff! warnings: stress over school and one (1) curse, but other than that it’s pure fluff word count: 907 their summary: If you could describe your best friend, Kiyoko, in one word; what would it be? I would pick the word, flawless.

-> my review: alright this isnt fair where is my irl sokka 😐 YOURE BRINGING ME BACK INTO MY ATLA DAYSDF LKSJA- not complaining tho I LOVE SOKKA SO MUCH. and “But for a “fairly smart person”, you made a lot of bad decisions.” THATS TOO RELATABLE STOP IT RIGHT NOW SFKDJK

HEHEHEHEH THANK YOU AGAIN!! SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG GOOD BYE

#morosis's 400 followers bus ride #morosis recommends #haikyuu!!#haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #atla x reader #haikyuu fanfiction #atla fanfiction #haikyuu x y/n #atla x y/n

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is-that-another-soulmate-au · 4 years

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Alright let's try this Soulmate body switch AU I'm also attempting this whole "make a tag" thing... bare with me, ive only actually used this app for like 4 days now im gonna go with "RayMakesSoulmates" for now... uhm, idk what else to go with uhhhhh yeah, names Ray btw...

Okay here we go. The idea of switching bodies is something a bit strange to me so let me make this work for me.

Basically it happens once a year after you either turn 17 or meet your soulmate. If its the latter then there has to be alot of turmoil and confusion on one side to trigger the first switch because it does not happen at the first encounter. However after the first encounter you'll sometimes have little blurry dreams that are in fact core memories of your soulmate. But theyre always too blurry to point out who's involved and sounds are too muffled to pin point any specific noises words or what have you.

Now, the dreams don't happen every night but they happen often enough that you are made aware that you have met your soulmate at some point recently.

So after Zuko visits the south and they begin their cat and mouse game around the world Zuko often has blurry dreams of white with black falling what he thinks is people screaming and what he knows is muffled crying. While Sokka has random dreams of what he thinks is someone moving away into the darkness and someone screaming out to them but he can't figure out what they're saying. Another dream he has is a blurry glow of bright blue and crying. There's also one that shows up more often than the other two, its when he sees what he believes is someone moving towards him saying something, but its muffled, then a bright light and muffled screaming and crying.

However after Ba Sing Se Sokka has a dream that's clear and vivid, not muffled and not blurry. After he takes a moment from shooting up to a sitting position he realizes that this is not a dream, he's switched bodies. Standing up and moving the blankets off of him he looks around and sees the there are fire nation items everywhere, it looks like he's in a royal bedroom. He elects to keep calm as he moves towards where he thinks is a bathroom, he is correct and when he looks into the mirror he freezes. His heart drops into his stomach. Sokka can hardly believe what he's looking at. Staring back at him is not his face, but Zuko's. He reaches up to touch the scar on Zuko's face. While yes he has control over his body and he doesn't exactly know how to act 'firenation' let alone 'fire nation royalty' he stands straight. "This won't last longer than 3 hours." He reminds himself

"What won't last longer than three hours?" Azula's voice breaks through

Instantly on edge and irritated Sokka- ahem Zuko turns to Azula "what do you want Azula?" He says in a voice thats much less irritated, theyre siblings right? So they have to be chummy right

"Oo! You sound so much less angry!" She muses "disgusting, anyways, Mai wanted me to let you know she's leaving today"

Why would he care about that? Oh they must be friends? Maybe they're dating? Okay, don't screw this up "uh, okay"

"Aw don't be so sad Zuzu~ you two would have never worked out anyways, her and Ty Lee switched bodies just three days ago. It was honestly was kind of amusing watching her string you along" This is not how siblings normally talk to eachother. He just glared at Azula "alright alright sheesh, ill leave you alone" he found something to write on and quickly jotted down the conversation because if he was given that information Zuko would need it.

Meanwhile Zuko shot awake and found himself lying next to appa Katara and Aang, so he is alive huh? Confused he figured he must be dreaming until he realized his vision was clear and nothing was muffled. He was below deck on a fire nation ship. He paused a moment before he stood and noticed Sokka's boomerang beside him. He lifed it and saw Sokka in the reflection. His reaction seemed to mirror(haha get it) Sokka's when he saw Zuko in the mirror. But he dropped the boomerang and it made a loud bang which woke the other two up "Sokka what are you doing, the sun is barely up"

He paused and cleared his throat. Okay, sure he's been chasing them he needs to not blow this "uh, sorry, nightmare"

Katara shifted and turned to him, a genuine look of worry in her eyes "do you want to talk about it?" She asked in a tone that reminded him of his mother. Genuine love.

He forced himself not to tear up at the memory and just shook his head "no, I honestly can't remember it. Just scared me is all" the hesitation in Katara's expression before she responded was strange to him

"Alright, if you say so, do you mind going and asking dad to change the course? We need to stop and get supplies"

His hesitation and expression probably made her realize what happened "okay, youre not Sokka right now are you?" He froze and nodded slowly "alright, you dont have to tell me who you are, but I'll help you through the motions, Aang and I switched back in Ba Sing Se, that was the day when you questioned why I said I'd fly around, er- or that was when Sokka questioned me" okay she was a little more accepting of this than he thought.

"Uhm, okay, yeah, right, uhm, I don't want to blow this so can you just uh show me around? I'm sure Sokka knows all the people he's- oh agni he's gonna meet my dad" zuko internally cringed.

In that moment it seemed to click with Katara "alright, so you're telling me your Zuko"

Zuko flinched and backed up against the wall "look I dont know what you want me to do about this, but I promise you that I'm not going to ruin anything, I know I messed up, hell Sokka's probably noticing that my family doesn't work like yours does. I've been so confused my whole life okay, I'm sorry I betrayed you in Ba Sing Se, my sister has a way of manipulating me. I just hope he doesn't get hurt, he probably doesn't know he needs to keep his mouth shut in my family." Zuko was panicking when Katara reached out

"Zuko, zuko what do you mean?" Her voice shaky

"Look I cant tell you everything, I cant tell you my life story not right now, I need to get through with this. If we meet again, which I hope we do, ill tell you then. But right now, please just show me what Sokka goes through day to day. I know he's not gonna like what happens on the other end, I just hope it doesn't go too bad."

Katara nodded "alright well. Let me walk you around and let you learn the peoples names, ill just say hi to them and say their names." She paused "but first, tell me about your mother, i dont know if I believe it anymore"

He sighed before telling her the entire story.

Meanwhile at the palace Sokka was sitting in a war meeting knowing to keep his mouth shut unless spoken to. He didnt want to set people off or let them know he wasn't actually Zuko. The topic of the earth kingdome came up and Ozai turned to him "Zuko, you've spent time among the Earth kingdom citizens. What information do you have?"

"Uh, the Earth kingdoms citizens are strong willed and hopeful, as long as they have hope they will not yeild"

"Hmmm, I see, we need to crush their hope"

"Well, thats not what I-"

"I think we should take their precious hope and burn it to the ground!" Azula cuts in

"Yes, yes good idea Azula" Oh no

About an hour after the meeting the switch flipped, Sokka made notes about everything that he found important in time before the switch was over.

After they switched back Sokka found his sister and grabbed her shoulders "Katara, I have to tell you something, I just got back from a body swit-"

"And your soulmate is Zuko? I know, he cried when I was nice to him, what happened on your end?"

"Well, his whole family is mean to him"

"Figured"

"I was in a war meeting and found out their plan for the comet"

After relaying the information he found they discussed it with Aang.

Let's skip ahead to after the failed invasion and to the air temple when Zuko shows up.

"Hello, Zuko here"

No fighting it in this one

"Get your jerk bender butt over here" Katara and Sokka said practically in unison.

>im gonna wrap it up here. And yes Katara would notice its not Sokka and would totally pick up on Zuko, she's observant

>and no Azula wouldn't notice at all because she's used to Zuko being stand offish with her. Plus Sokka is so much better at impersonations than Zuko

@chaoticidiott @roman-does-nothing @bisexuallsokka @transzukostanblog

I dont know if I did this AU justice, I tried.

#RayMakesSoulmates #atla sokka #prince zuko #sokka #sokka x zuko #zukka #zuko #avatar the last airbender #so gay #omg #tw: caps

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shattered-catalyst · 3 years

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OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources.#*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

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laraplisetski · 3 years

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Dating Shigeru Yahaba

A/n: This was really fun to write but honestly I just love to write for Seijoh anyways. Next is Shinji Watari and ill try to complete it today but if I dont ill post it tommorow. Please excuse me for the mistakes. broskies send in requests as well, I have none:-(

Words: 1002

Tags: @imthatchishiyasimp, @kekozume

Have this image of Yahaba pining Kyotani to the wall.

Okay so tbh Yahaba did not notice you at first even though you guys were in the same class.

But then one day he walked in his classroom in the morning and he did a double take on what he saw.

You, the person who he paid no mind to, was giving Kyotani, the brash and lowkey violent one, a lecture for shouting too loud and making a ruckus.

What

And not only was Kyotani not arguing with you, he actually listened and nodded at you.

Then proceeded to shut up and sit on his seat.

(I'm sorry for adding Kyotani into everything he's just my favorite boy)

And Yahaba was just staring at you with his mouth open.

After that incident he wanted to get to know you but he couldn't bring up the courage to talk to you

Well until Kyotani just blurted out the fact that Yahaba’s infatuated with you... in front of you.

So yeah he died right there

The end

Jk jk

But like from that onwards you tried to talk to talk with him and eventually you two became friends.

And then you two started dating cause Yahaba was cute.

Anyways onto your first date.

After a lot of stuttering and well blushy Yahaba he had successfully asked you out on a date.

Yay!

So he took you to a fair that was in town for this season (idk how fairs work I'm sorry.)

A cute cheesy ass date

He took you to a game in which you have to shoot one of the balloons and make it pop to get a stuffed you.

And tried to show off his shooting skills

Keyword ‘tried’

He failed miserably and you got a teddy bear for him instead.

Also also you guys went to the Ferris wheel at least 5 times.

Cause like Yahaba’s a fucking sucker for these cheesy ass rides and he like wanted to kiss you at like the top but then he realized it doesn't stop unless you pay them.

So after 4 failed attempts you noticed what he was trying to do and he was going to fail at kissing you again but you like lowkey initiated it.

After that he looks so happy and proud of himself that you think that it's worth it.

Also the bumper cars.

Unlike the Ferris wheel he's totally mean at the bumper cars.

Like he will keep bumping into you, but if you guys are sitting in the same car.

You guys strategically bump people and like idk you guys are just mean.

He bought you snacks after all the rides and you two held hands while blushing.

At the end Iwaizumi came to pick you up cause, team dad and drove you home.

Yahaba gave you a big ass hug when leaving you and then he blushed and yeeted himself into a car.

Okay so Yahaba’s a pretty chill guy honestly and like he likes to do whatever his s/o wants.

Unless it's like doing horror stuff he can't handle that shit.

Also I feel like unlike the others he would be very shy for asking for cuddles.

Like I imagine him just making hand signs towards you like how children do when they want something.

I will mention later but this guy likes to brag about you.

Other than that he’ll be very shy to kiss you in public and in front of his friends.

Also when you guys hold hands this man just blushes so much that you have to ask him if he wants to go to a doctor or not.

Worry not he gets fine later.

And he also loves his s/o coming to practice.

His s/o’s friends with all the second years, especially Kyotani.

She's like the one person other than Iwaizumi who can scold him and he'll listen.

Also Yahaba found out that you beat him at basketball which is why he listens to you and honestly Yahaba’s very proud of you.

You teased Yahaba after he pinned Kyotani to the wall in that one match and you'll never let him live it down.

(I’m such a fucking Kyotani stan I swear)

Also Yahaba simps over you.

He admires everything about you.

He likes your hair and if you don't have hair be ready for Yahaba just like running the palm of his hand over your scalp and just patting it.

He does this when you have hair as well and the first time it happens you're like wtf.

But it's weirdly not weird.

Everyone also knows that this boy is whipped for you because every time he looks at you his heart just goes doki doki and his eyes really show it.

He also has a tendency to brag about his s/o liek how Yamaguchi did about Tsuki’s height the first time they were introduced.

He talks about you all the time and he buys like little snacks for you to eat all day and little trinkets to make you happy.

At every anniversary he buys you a little teddy bear charm as a reminder of the teddy bear you got him.

He still has it and he likes to keep it next to his bed and like routinely washes it as well.

Just like taking maximum care of it.

Yahaba’s not rich but like whenever he has enough money he buys you something like a rose or takes you out to get ice cream.

Also hes a fucking cliché guy and craves cliché romantic scenes and unlike someone he actually succeeds in catching you when youre falling like 6/10 times and all the other times he just falls with you.

When he goes to play practice matches in different prefectures he misses you very much and he promises to play better for you when he leaves.

It's very cheesy and half the time it sounds like he's going to die lmao.

But anyways Yahaba is very good boyfriend/10

Would very much recommend.

#hq yahaba #yahaba #yahaba shigeru #yahaba x reader #yahaba prompt #yahaba headcanons #yahaba dating hc #x reader #xreader #x gender neutral reader #haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#Haikyuu #haikyu x reader #haikyuu prompts #haikyuu headcanons #anyways #bye😃

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brelione · 4 years

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Feild Trip with a Rich Bitch (Rafe Cameron x Reader)

Part Two

Mentions of drugs,Rafe being a bitch,swearing and blow torches :)

Also,Goddess Part Three will be up by Friday afternoon.If you would like to be tagged please let me know :)

He had always hated Pogues.Then he met you.

You worked at a car repair shop in The Cut.He had come in on his bike,well,he had walked the broken piece of shit to the shop.You were the only one working that day.He couldnt help but think you looked adorable with your long sleeve yellow shirt under dark blue overalls,a backwards red hat and at least six silver chains draped across your neck.You had been extremely focused,sitting indian style as you smoothed a weird bump on a car with a nail file. “So are you gonna stare at me or are you gonna tell me what youre doing here,pretty boy?”You asked,not taking your attention off the task at hand.He blinked,surprised by your carefree yet assertive tone. “Uhh...somethings wrong with my bike.”He mumbled,attempting to smooth out his hair.You let out a small laugh as you dragged a paint brush along the smooth metal,fixing the messy spot. “No shit.What’d you do to it?”You asked,spreading more paint across the metal.His face turned red as he glanced around the shop.

There were paintings across the walls,multiple tool boxes and a wall of paint swatches.There were six other cars parked,some of them with large dents,holes or scratches. “I drove it into a tree.”He mumbled.You nodded. “Magnificent job,pretty boy.How are you gonna have a bike as expensive as that one then drive it into a tree?”You asked.He just shrugged,hands in his pockets.You put your paintbrush down into a cup of water,pulling out a blowtorch from seemingly nowhere.The flame hovered above the paint,drying and hardening it.Once you were satisfied with the paint job you stood up,brushing off your pants.You still had the blowtorch in your hand,the potential weapon swinging next to your thigh as you walked towards Rafe. “You gotta put the kickstand down,pretty boy.”You reminded him,gesturing to the bike.He nodded. “Right.”He nodded,putting the kickstand down and turning the handlebars so it would lean on the metal rod.One of the tires seemed blown out,a straight hole through the seat and multiple scratches across the metal.He watched as you looked over it.

You pulled at one of your chains. “So are you going to tell me what actually happened?”You asked,crossing your arms over your chest.That caused him to look down at your chest and the bleach stains across the front of your overalls.You snapped your fingers to get his attention back to your eyes.He cleared his throat,looking back up at you. “So how much for the repairs?”He asked.You smirked. “Well...i’d say $150 but you’re an asshole so thats an additional $15 and you’re also ruining my day so that would be another $15.”You twirled one of your chains,looking into his blue eyes.He bit his tongue,glancing between you and his bike. “And whats the fee for you not to tell anyone youre keeping my bike here?”He asked.You ran the tip of your tongue along your teeth with a devil like smile.God,this boy had never been in this kind of situation before.You werent even gonna tell anyone in the first place.You could probably charge him hundreds of dollars for all the things he’s done and he wouldnt be able to do anything about it.You were the best repair woman on the island and anyone else would go straight to his dad.It was 11 in the morning.You had pulled an all nighter for the third time that week and you hadnt eaten yet.Plus,if you sent Rafe to the store he could buy the expensive shit.

“Theres a store three blocks away.Youre gonna go there and buy everything on the list and youre not gonna question it.”You told him.His eyebrows furrowed as he watched you take a notepad out of your pocket along with a pen,jotting things down.You tore the paper off,folding it and handing it to him.He took it,frowning and confused. “Hurry up.”You told him.He nodded,no words or sounds escaping his lips as he left the garage and made his way down the street.He knew what store you were talking about,the one with the sleeping cat outside.It was awfully quiet as he walked.Most of the time all the exciting things happened at night,not 11 in the morning.Either that or all the pogues were hiding from him,his gelled hair and his ugly ass khakis.He unfolded the piece of paper,reading it.Three large lemons,two large monster energy drinks,a bag of doritos and a pack of gum.It was a strange request but he wasnt supposed to question it.He had kept his head down at the store,grabbing three of the largest lemons he saw,two random monster energy drinks,the doritos and three packs of gum.

He didnt know what kind of gum you liked but you probably had to like one of the three,right?When he got back you were using your blowtorch on a part of the bike you had painted. “Put the bag on the work table and touch nothing.”You spoke loudly,confidently.He found your confidence unbelievably attractive.He never let anyone boss him around like this but ther was just something about you.You held some sort of power over other pogues,he could tell that much by the few boneyard parties he’d gone too.The others were attracted to you,some of them held their breath as you walked by,others just kept their distance.He didnt know where such nice chains had come from.They looked like they had weight,indicating that they were real.He had carefully walked over to your work table,seeing multiple small jars of paint,brushes,metal sheets,files,nails,screws and your cell phone.It was a pretty old model.He set the bag down on an empty spot,watching as a notification came across your phone.Eighteen days sober!Log this milestone.He frowned.Sober from what?

He shook it off,walking back around to where you were with his bike. “I was worried that you’d set my bike on fire or something.”He spoke quietly,trying to make conversation.You glared up at him,eyebrows casting shadows over your irises. “What?Cause im a dirty pogue?”You asked.He shook his head frantically. “Thats not what I meant I-”He began to explain himself but you cut him off. “So because im fixing your bike im different?”You asked.He sighed. “I just meant because of the blowtorch-Im sorry.”He mumbled.You stood up,blowtorch in hand. “Know your place,rich bitch.Your bike will be done by three,save yourself the embarrassment and go home to your mansion.”Your voice was dripping in venom,eyes narrowing.He gulped. “I cant go back home without my bike,my dad will kill me.”He mumbled,looking down at you.You smirked. “Good.”You replied before kneeling down again by the bike,getting back to work. “God,could you stop staring at me?Go sit somewhere or sue a tree or some shit.”You huffed.He almost tripped over his own feet,finding a chair and sitting down.He tapped his food on the ground anxiously. “So um...how long have you been fixing cars?”He asked.

You slammed the blow torch down on the concrete. “Could you shut the fuck up?Please?”You asked.He bit his lip. “I dont like the silence.”He replied. “And I dont like loud noises.”You answered. “What are you sober from?”He asked.You sat there for a moment,eyes locked on the ground.You slowly stood up,walking towards him. “You went on my phone?”You asked.His mouth went dry and he was lost for words. “Rafe.”You snarled.He looked back up at you,beads of sweat collecting at his hairline. “I-the notification-I just saw it and I just-God,im sorry (Y/N).”He sighed,looking away from you.Your hand reached up,gripping his jaw and making him look at you. “Didnt I tell you to shut the fuck up?”You asked.He looked away from you,only looking back when your grip tightened. “Yeah.”He muttered. “And you’re gonna be good and shut that pretty mouth of yours,right?”You asked,squeezing harder on his flesh.He hummed.

“Good.”You mumbled,taking your hand away and getting back to work.You could feel him staring at you,the way your fingers moved as you grabbed your tools.He understood now.He understood the pogues’ fear and admiration of you.He felt like one of them,caught up in your beauty and the way you carried yourself while simultaneously being slightly afraid of you.You walked past him,grabbing one of the monsters.You grabbed a knife from the table.He watched as you cut open the bottom of the energy drink and shot gunned it,wiping your mouth when you were done.You grabbed a lemon from the bag,cutting an end of it off.You pulled a container of a white powder,opening it and coating the lemon slice in it. “Dont stare at me like that.Its salt,nothing you can snort.”You grumbled,taking the slice out and placing it in your mouth.Your eyes didnt squint and your eyebrows didnt furrow at the taste. “You...you eat lemons in salt?”He asked.You pulled the lemon slice from your teeth,biting the salt coated fruit as it left your mouth.

“I do.”You replied. “It helps with cravings.”You finished your thought,going to fix the bike seat.Rafe had sat on his phone until one in the afternoon when he heard someone come in. “You havent answered your phone,thought you were dead or something.”A deep voice said.Rafe heard you giggle. “Only on the inside,sunshine.I’m busy with work right now,tell the others ill be around by seven.”He heard the tone of your voice.Friendly,happy and almost excited. “Alright.Did you eat today?”The voice asked. “I had a lemon slice,ive got some doritos so dont worry too much.I’ll see you later.”You had told your friend. “Alright,sounds like a plan.”THe boys voice said before leaving.Rafe watched as you rolled a tire inside,replacing the one he had destroyed.Once you had replaced it you went back to the bag of goodies,cutting open the other monster.You chugged it,sighing as you stared up at the ceiling. “Why do you hate me so much?”Rafe asked suddenly.A smile tugged at your lips.

“You beat up two of my boys,you come around starting shit and blaming it on us,you think youre just so fucking amazing when youre really just a bitch,you ran over my fucking mailbox,you drink and drive,you gave another one of my boys a fucking concussion and a scar and you wonder why I hate you?”You ranted,fists clenching.He just sat there,hands gripping the arms of the chair. “You just fuck things up.”You sighed.He licked his lips. “You sound like my dad.”He mumbled.You laughed. “Oh dont get me started on your dad.That bitch ruined my life.”You sighed,grabbing another lemon slice.He raised his eyebrows. “What?How?”He asked.You just giggled to yourself. “You really have no idea what your father has done to my family?No idea at all?”You asked.He shook his head.You just laughed again,the sound filling the air.It wasnt like the way you had giggled with your friend.It was empty and sarcastic,hiding anger that was building up inside of you. “You wanna go for a field trip,Rafe Cameron?”You asked.

#rafe cameron #rafe obx #rafe x reader #rafe cameron imagine #outer banks #pope heyward #sarah cameron #jj maybank #john b #drew starkey #obx #kiara carrera #rafe cameron x you

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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years

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so,,, yesterday i read this manhwa called “the horizon” (i forget the author but ill put them in the tags) and good god... it was so heartbreakingly beautiful and im gonna make a few posts about it B) ((i say a few bc theres a few things i wanna talk about but i dont wanna make it all unorganized ?? if that makes sense))

first theres just the amazing artwork done in this piece... the range is just fucking incredible and every single panel had so much work and heart put into it and i had to sit there just to really admire the art of each page for a long time (usually im an impatient little bitch and skim artwork in manga/manhwa but damn this one was something else). but like !! look at how many different styles and shit the artist did depending on the circumstances !!

oh if i didnt mention,, this manhwa is like an apocalyptic world where this little boy meets a little girl and they just sort of roam the world together right... but they come across so many terrible things and theres this back and forth between hope and despair and everytime you start to be like “hey maybe things will be good for them, or at least as good as they can be” the tiniest thing happens that just shatters all that hope to the ground and suddenly everything is lost again. it really reminds me of this book i read for english called the road by uh.. something mccarthy i think... and it was about a boy and his dad trying to survive and walk down a road together in a post apocalyptic world and it was also sad as shit. BUT IM GETTING OFF TOPIC. BACK TO THE ARTWORK.

so thE RANGE OF STYLES YES THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. as i already said, its just this whole rollercoaster of emotions but it really forces you to sit there and fucking f e e l your emotions yknow? it makes it impossible to just sit there and be like “lol damn thats sad” ,, the art and the layout are so shocking and stunning that you h a v e to sit there and admire them and think about the events and really just feel every ounce of emotion and loss that the characters are going through and that the artist put into this piece. it did this thing where it would sometimes stretch on for a few pages of just the same frame with tiny differences just taking up the whole page without any words/little words to let the magnitude of the situation sink in and envelope you. its so powerful with its message especially with the themes of hope and loss and it just... usually i keep pop culture/anime/manhwa feels separate from my irl feels but... dude this one was so fuckin amazing that i genuinely had to take a break a few times bc the feels were getting all mixed up and i genuinely felt that sorrow that the characters were feeling. i seriously wanna read this again actually so i focus more on the amazing art since i know the story already.

i just love how much it switches up from all the different looks too. sometimes it would have that classic anime/manhwa feel to it especially when there were lots of characters (i didnt include a sc for that oops) but a lot of the time it would focus on the beauty/emptiness of the landscape around the characters since there wasnt really much left in the world. there were a lot of gruesome scenes drawn in that sort of chalky/charcoaly look that involved death and i am just obsessed with how they made it look so organic and like it was actually, yknow decomposing. they also used a really messy scribbly style when super chaotically terrible things where happening, both externally and internally which was such a perfect reflection of those bundled up negative and hopeless emotions that were present throughout the story. it sort of made it seem like those things were simply too horrible to be drawn fully and even the artist couldnt subject the reader to such a terrible sight. also ... the use of color... usually they would use color to represent the presence of hope and damn dude it really worked... especially after seeing some of these same images consecutively and that dramatic change really makes the reader feel so much brighter and happier when hope is back in the story !! although that one other colored scene... where the boy is in the ocean... god that hurts my heart so badly... i think the color was used in that case to show the reality of his situation and that it was really r e a l yknow ??? it wasnt just a comic written to make ppl sad and thinking about death,, this is that kids whole LIFE and he had to accept the (bad thing that happened but im not gonna write it bc i dont wanna spoil) was something that happened and now he really had no reason to keep on living... and all these feelings are so wonderfully portrayed and definitely did a very good job of making me, the reader, Very Sad.

HAHA I DIDNT WANT THIS TO BE TOO LONG BUT I RAMBLED LMAO... ill prolly make one or two more posts about this but they wont nearly be as long dont worry

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#the horizon #jeong jihoon #the horizon jeong jihoon #manga analysis #manhwa analysis #manhwa recommendation #the road cormac mccarthy #beautiful manhwa

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worldsendgirlfriend · 2 years

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should i start like tagging these or puttign them under read mores No actually i dont want 2 readmore mysefl fuck censorship listen to psychotic voices ‼️

i dont wnst to tag them either jus personally. but if any of u want me to then i wil. so like. lmk if u do. onto the mental health section of daily dabiseimeivector times

looks at todo list 4 last nite i made myself in city block.... ok i wrote this then checked and i actually did get like, most of it done and made progress on the main thingy so i guess it wasnt too wasteful a night. but i Definitely got too distracted i couldve done a lot more and like i wanted 2 do a lot more. perhaps sth like intermittent lil small alarms just 2 remind me how much time has passed.... why does time in general feel so backwards for me. once a day passes it couldve been yesterday or two and a half weeks ago or like seven months ago. when i say "recently" in any context thats code for "i have no fucking clue but it probably happened like?? ? within the past... six months.. ??? ?? if not then this year for sure.........?????". nd when im not paying attention to time But specifically depending on what im doing, it either feels like its been hours and its only been like maybe 30 min or its been around 30 mins and its been almost like 4.5 hours.

when i was in Hell On Vector Stim Drug Technique period i was certain i was losing time just like bc it just Started happening bc i kept finishing so late at work despite being Sure i was going at my usual speed if not faster. Yeah, i know, but i wasnt clearheaded at all for that whole time so it Felt like i was normal even tho my body constantly in the process of crashing hard but molly nd addys both kept hooking its corpse up to the back of a wagon and yeah pulling it along but also thru the dirt and hitting rocks and shit. and as u can tell from morning editorial sleep habits are still very fucked. food was much easier to fix quick tho i still have to like, check the clock sometimes and be like did i eat anythimg recently ❓ but even if i forget ive been drinking lots of fluids bc i was severely dehydrated like Really was and even if i still am Dehydrated kts like. water helps fucking wverything dude. as long as i get some thats all i can do. but Yeah tangented as shit fuck but that was just a worry that was Completely understandable re what caused it just like at the time seemed unrelated. but my point is that now that im (in)sane again its not like... like im fine at work again nd stuff but im. def having more time problems still tho not as like idk scary as that felt. still concerning. have therapy today (i was Sposed to wake up when it happen and get like normal sleep time but you saw. you adamanda) so ill bring up, i like unloaded everything directly pre and post 2fdck Get and Ingested. Lot (good thing it was 2f bc! if it was regular ket! well i mightve had an actual medical 'emerjencie' on my hands from all that nutrience) just so like. like i texted her beforehand like hey we wont get to address like any of this bc i have so much totell you but like thurs itll be fine just like heds up. nd as i expected things r like. yeah nothing Major major happened between monday anf now. life normal. Vector version of normal. so like What te fuck is going on but like its fine like take a hit off ybis its fine.

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hufflautia · 4 years

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Hope you’ve had a great day today 💛

funnily enough, i literally just stopped crying. today was a bad day, I don't know

why but my anxiety was just quite bad today and I was panicking before school started. something happened in my first class and I overthink a lot, so my mind was like, “oh my god why did they write your name last, do they hate me, am I boring, am I forgetful, people are always forgetting about me” and “my teacher doesn't like me, why didn't he respond, I'm embarrassed, why did you have to say what you said??” my English teacher does these “mindfulness” moments in which we sit in silence for a minute and reflect on the day, and I literally started crying. after the minute ended, I just stopped bc I didn't feel like crying anymore, and suddenly my brain said, “ur so fake, ur just acting, why did u stop crying all of a sudden, u just want attention u crave attention ur such a faker!!” also I keep thinking about something that happened years ago with my dad, I don't rlly wanna get into it but I think it would be good if I just say it so that its not jammed in my head. basically, I was really young, like in elementary school; my dad asked me if i wanted to sleep in his room with him, and originally, my mom was sleeping with him and i shared a room with my little brother. however, i was like hmm maybe, and then my dad said, haha ill pay u 5 dollars. at the time, i said YAY OK but now i realized that's so fucking creepy, yall know what its insinuating right?? anyways, i said ok, bc it was just a change from the usual sleep schedule and i liked spending time w my dad, so my mom went to my brothers room (it was a king-sized bed so it was ok, it wasn't a small bed that we had to share or anything like that) and i went to my parents room. basically, what happened was that we went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, (the next part makes me feel so uncomfortable and i feel queasy writing it) my dad slapped my butt really really hard to the point where i woke up and i was like ?????? and then he rubbed it softly immediately afterwards. i didnt know what happened, and i told my sister the day after, and she was confused too. recently i was thinking about it and I'm still confused and a lot more uncomfortable with what happened. here is my theory and i was very upset by it bc no one would want to think things like this- maybe my dad likes hurting women during sex and it was a reflex that night, but once he realized it was me, he tried “soothing me” or some shit by rubbing my butt (i literally hate this, i hate the fact that this happened and i don't like typing it out). no one wants to think about their parents sex life so this was just disgusting to think about. also my brother and mom keep arguing and fighting with each other, and I'm sure i have trauma from hearing my parents argue all the time so i rlly don't like it when they fight. my brother has explosive anger and he literally screams at her, which is very disrespectful; however, she screams at him too and sometimes hurts him, which scares me. I'm not worried about my own safety, I just hate violence i hate abuse, that scares me. so much stuff has happened in my life, and it results in a lot of trauma and other stuff that i don't even know about. i just know im really fucked up, im damaged and it just all felt like crashing down on me today- like everything thats happened, i was feeling anxious for no reason, i was thinking about the past, and i started crying again while watching netflix after school, so i just kept crying and i talked to myself out loud about my day and why i was feeling the way i was. that did help to some extent, and after i did that, i stopped crying, and then my brain said “why do you shut off your crying so easily, you seem fake, you seem like you wanna be sad and cry just so that you can see your pretty little tears drip down ur face like an actress, ur so fake ur so fake ur faking it ur not actually sad”, and the hardest part was that i didnt even object to it bc i didnt feel like anything was real, i felt like i didnt know who i was. i was like ok bitch whatever maybe ur right maybe i am faking it. i dont even know how to explain it, but its like being tired of that nagging and negative voice that you just submit to it, and you say ok whatever sure i am faking it, but in truth, the sadness i was feeling was real and genuine. about 10 min ago, i saw that someone tagged me in a fanfic and while i was reading it, i literally started bawling. i guess it was bc i saw in my email inbox that people had sent me asks, and i was happy bc i thought that maybe the person who sent me the fanfic idea responded back with more details. i was anxious about that before, bc i was thinking, oh god what if they just never respond, what if they just dont care about u anymore. when i saw the asks notifications, i felt a lot of relief bc i thought to myself, oh phew ok people still care about u. when i was crying while reading the fanfic, i couldn't stop crying, it felt endless. i couldn't just stop crying like i had before, and it reminded me of the time when my mom was going out to meet someone that she met on a dating app, and it was in the earlier times when she started doing this; she had gotten involved with some terrible men in the past, men who catfished her and were rlly vulgar and gross. im sure this was somewhere in June, when i had just posted chapter 1 of the slytherpuff series bc when i was freaking out about the date, i wrote about it in my journal and i know that it was somewhere in June bc i wrote something like “mom is going out to meet someone and im nervous, please please please i hope shes ok and careful, im really nervous and scared, no one likes my writing, mom is probably in danger, oh god oh gosh”. it was just a whole bunch of negative and anxious thoughts, including how i was feeling about the whole situation with chapter 1, so that's how i know it was somewhere in June. anyways, basically i was really scared for my mom bc shes had a bad history with online men and i was scared that someone was gonna kill her. i read and listen to a lot of murder mysteries, so my mind was going absolutely wild. i remember on that day, i went to take a shower after writing that entry in the journal, bc showering makes me feel better. when i stepped into the shower i started crying bc i was really scared for her and i was hoping she was safe and ok but i was just feeling so scared so i was crying and i couldn't stop crying. that was the scary part because i just kept bawling and i couldn't stop like i usually do; my brain said ok that's enough, you’ve cried enough, but my heart just kept going on and on and my brain said ok ok jessica holy jesus that's enough and eventually i sucked it up and was kinda ok afterwards but still sad and numb. that was similar to what had happened about 20 min ago. also im sure i was also sad today bc yesterday, my mom talked to me about in-person college visits, and her demeanor was very rushed and controlling. she said, “ok jessica we’re gonna do the college visits, we’re gonna drive there, and your dad is gonna come home for that. tell him that you need to do that, ok? tell him we do the college visits together.” i said that colleges are doing virtual tours, and her facial expression was very strained, she was like “DO NOT TELL HIM THAT. dont tell him that, ok?!” and she was pointing her finger at me and everything. she said, “tell him we’re going to do the physical college tours, which colleges do you wanna visit??” and she kept telling me not to tell him about the virtual tours. it reminded me of whenever she told me to say this or that to my dad over the phone, and i was upset, like oh great ok so dad’s coming home and i dont even wanna see him bc i dont like him that much, and now im gonna have to lie bc dad is probably gonna already know about the virtual tours and im gonna have to pretend that none of the colleges are doing virtual tours. in essence, today was a terrible day. while i was crying my eyes out when reading the fanfic, i wanted to tell something, i wanted to reach out to lee and jolie, but my brain said that i would burden them, im always telling them about stuff that happens (concerning my family or other stuff) and its probably getting too much for them. my brain said that they wont be able to help anyway, im still gonna have to deal with the stuff im dealing with, and no one can help. that's a sad thought, it seems so helpless and sad. sometimes i overthink the smallest things, and when i see a text from lee and jolie that doesnt seem “right”, i think, oh gosh they hate me now, why did i have to say that?? i usually see my therapist every Thursday, aka today, but we didnt meet this time bc her schedule is becoming busy so now we’re gonna do it every other week, so next week i shall see her. perhaps she can help.

thank you for this ask, it seemed so out of the blue bc no one rlly sends asks like this anymore. while writing this, i literally thought to myself, shes like an angel sent from heaven

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theravencawsatmidnight · 4 years

Text

Bittersweet Events Pt. 7🗡♥️

A/N. This is loooooong my bad i was on a roll with this. Stain in a pony tail umf—-

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Bonus bio!

Shifuku Akaguro

Hair. Blond

Age. 5

Likes: Dragging her dad to the park and teasing Spinner. Hero shows. Acrobatics.

Quirk . Petrify

She can make people pass out if she licks/taste their blood . Her gaze can make people bleed from their eyes and caugh up blood.

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Shifuku was still un easy about her quirk. After Stain had explained to her that she could not take the mask off she changed ..She was not her happy energenic self anymore . Stain caught her a couple times with her mask off staring in the bathroom mirror. Her eyes would be bloodshot and her tears wiould be red. He tried not to scold her, he really did. But it was getting to him. He had no idea what to do to cheer her up. It was a .. similar quirk to his but more advanced. Stain’s quirk could paralize people when he tasted their blood. And his gaze could paralize people. Shifuku’s quirk could make people pass out if she tasted their blood , and her gaze could also paralize people but it made their eyes bleed too and caugh up blood. He decided to call her quirk Petrify.

He had to think of something , he loved seeing her smile . It reminded him of Suki. Spinner suggested maybe taking her shopping to get new clothes. Stain thought on it for awhile. He had money , the landlord paid him whenever he scared off a villain. It made him feel like a Hero and he did not like it. He was a retired villain now with a daughter. So he had to deal with it. Maybe shopping would be okay . Getting her out of the complex would be good for her too. He was home schooling her so she did not leave much unless she begged him to take her to the park. He saw that it was taking a toll on her . He often found her peaking out the window at the kids every morning . Watching them go to school.

How exactly would he even set that up? Just casually walk into the school and say ‘hi im Hero Killer Stain i want to enroll my daughter’. He had no idea what to do. He was nervous how the other kids would treat her. How the teachers and parents would treat her. Her quirk may be new but its already dangerous. But at the same time she needed the socialization with kids her age. Suki would want her in school.. and happy.

It had been five years since he retired. The reaction from the villains and the Pros was.. interesting. A few villains wanted to know why . He told a select few. Only true villains. Deku figured it out and thats how the Pros found out. His retirement was all over the news too. It was a breath of relief for the public , but some did not believe he was actually retired. Eventually everyone would know why. And that was what worried Stain the most.

Stain was on the couch watching the news with Shifuku next to him looking at her mask. It was Stain’s mask . He offered to get her a pretty one thinking it would help but she liked his , just not her quirk. She tugged his shirt and Stain looked down at her seeing her blood shot eyes. He put the mask back on her and pulled her on his lap.

“Papa ?”

“Yes my little gaze killer?”

“Can we .. go to the park?”

“Ya know Spinner suggested i take you shopping. Wanna do that too?”

She smiled a bit and touched her mask. “It will be okay?”

“Yes Shifuku. You just need to remember this mask never comes off.”

“Because.. it would hurt people.”

“Yes Shifuku. Youre quirk is amazing. I know you dont believe me but a lot of villains would like to have youre quirk.”

“....would mama like it though..”

Red tears fell down her face and Stain clung to her squeezing tight. What was he saying? Villains would love her quirk? He decided years ago that.. if she wanted to... be a Hero he would support it. Shifuku never mentioned that she wanted to be a villain. He often found her watching Hero shows with Spinner . And Suki... Suki would love her no matter what.

“Shifuku.. mom would love it. Because its just like mine. Youre mother loved my quirk because uh well... uh.. it was unique. Yeah. And my gaze did not effect her”

“It didint Papa?”

He held her close standing up walking to the door opening it. “Nope. She pulled my mask off one day and nothing happened. “ he put her down and pulled a hair tie out of his pocket putting his hair in a ponytail. Shifuku grabbed his hand wiping her face on it .

“ okay.. ill try Papa.”

He brought her outside and gave any passerbys a dirty look. He had given up on a disguise about a year ago. Its hard to mistake someone with no nose. He still kept the tape on his face though , he liked it. And since Shifuku had his mask now he had to make another one. He also retired his costume and wore dad clothes everyday. Spinner teased him about it sometimes and Stain would go change into sweatpants and a sleeveless hoodie . But that did not mean be didint keep a couple knives on him. Today though he had on a black long sleeve and ripped black jeans with bleach stains on them . He replaced his spike boots for regular heavy black combat boots.

Stain decided to go to the store first. Shifuku held his hand with both of hers whenever they went out. No one bothered them obviously but every now and then a villain would say hi or wave. Shifuku figured out Stain was a Villain fast. She also found a documentary about him on tv . Spinner was asleep instead of watching her when she found it. Stain was furious but what could he really do.

They made it to the clothing store and Stain looked over at the clerk. She jumped putting her hands up . Stain rolled his eyes looking down. “Pick out a couple things. Shirts, pants.”

Shifuku looked all around then up at Stain asking him for a dress. His eyes got wide . Thats too much he thought. She is growing up too fast.

“Just one.” He said

She smiled a bit tugging him farther into the store to get a better look at the clothes. Stain glanced back over at the clerk too see that she was calm now. Infact she looked like she was happy. He rolled his eyes looking back down at Shifuku . She had a couple shirts and a pair of pants and a blood red dress.

“Matches the mask” he teased.

Shifuku blushed handing him the clothes and Stain went to check out. The clerk was a little timid, not everyday you see a S rank villain buying a dress for his daughter.

“Uhm..we have a rewards.. program..” she said folding the clothes.

“A what?” He asked

She jumped putting the clothes in the bag . “Its a little.. tag we scan it and you get points for sales and deals..”

“Uhm .. sure”

Stain had a pink tag attached to his keychain now.

Shifuku tugged Stain out of the store dragging him to the park now . He let her , he didint mind. Suki did the same thing whenever she made him go out forva date night. Those were always interesting. It was always fast food and sitting in Suki’s car. Sometimes Stain would go in to get the food. That was interesting. And funny to Suki.

Stain sat down on the bench and Shifuku ran off to the play scape. He leaned into the bench looking the bag over . It was pink all over with flowers. No one else was at the park except for another parent and their kid who was on the swings. He could not make out who the parent was , they were too far away. The kid jumped off the swing floating to the play scape. The parent freaked out following with their hands up. Stain reckognized the voice and got up running to his daughter.

The kid landed next to Shifuku and introduced themselves.

“Names Ura Midoriya, Hi!” She held her hand out.

Shifuku touched her mask all over making sure it was still on before she held her hand out. Ura shook it fast and Shifuku started to levitate. Stain grabbed her setting her back down. The parent came over too.

“Sorry!!! She just got her.... quirk. Stain?” Asked Deku

“Deku...” Stain said under his breath.

“Deku? Youre Deku!! “ Shifuku beamed. “Youre so cool!!!”

“Right?!? Dad is so cool!!” Ura agreed.

Deku tried to get his daughter to stop and Stain pulled Shifuku back to him making her look up.

“Papa?”

Deku looked over at Shifuku then Stain a couple times , so he wasint lying..

“Uhm.. Chi..Chizome . Nice to see you.” Deku said as calmly as he could.

“Likewise..” Stain added.

“Uhm well Ura its getting late .” He turned her and she slipped outta his arms to wave at Shifuku.

“Bye!!! Can we play again? “ she asked

Stain was about to say no but he felt Shifuku leave his grip on her. He watched her wave back with a smile on her face.

“Im sure we can set something up.” Stain said

Deku was dumbfounded right now. The Hero Killer Stain... setting up a playdate.

“Oh oh okay! Sure yeah we can do that! Now cmon Ura” he waved taking her away and Shifuku jumped excited.

“Do you want to go to school Shifuku...” he asked looking down at her.

“Yes! Yes please!!!”

He sighed heavilly. “Alright.”

#papachizome #hero killer stain #my hero academia fan fiction #chizome #akaguro chizome #my hero academia

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stimmybinnie · 4 years

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Autism Acceptance Month Days 20-24

OKAY SO IM THE WORST XD I had typed a couple of these days up but forgot to actually schedule them... so heres another giant post... im sorry >.<

April 20: Discuss stimming. In what ways do you stim? What does stimming mean to you? What do individual stims that you do mean? Do you have any stim toys? What would you like people to know about stimming? I mean, I kinda talk about my stimming a lot on this blog already (ya know, stim bin...) and i'm kinda too tired to actually say anything about the individual stims themselves... all i can really say is that when it comes to stimming, i want people to know that it's normal and neccesary for me! don't shame people for stimming :c also i do have a ton of stim toys... joon and i really need to post our collections on here lol

April 21: Give a shoutout to some of your favorite autism blogs/autistic bloggers okayyyyy so this took way more thinking then I would like to admit because a lot of the time i dont look at yall's urls... i go off of the profile pic (or the general colours of your profile pic which is even worse...) or i know you by the content but not the url -_- ANYWAY some of my faves are (in no particular order): @butterflyinthewell - thank you for all the content and videos you post!!! i have nbeen able to learn a lot about autism through your content and have been able to use your videos to communicate things to NTs when I couldnt communicate what i wanted to say myself!) @autie-jake - thank you for making these prompts!!! i also enjoy all of your blogs content, it always makes me smile!) @autistickeely - i really enjoy the stuff you post and reblog, it gives me a lot of good reminders and positivity on days when i really needed it >.< I loved seeing your post recently (is it from today??? tumblrs concept of time is weird) about your comfort items! made me hug my stuffies real tight ^-^ @frogitivity - okay i love all the stuff you post (and i initially followed for the frogs lol!) but i gotta say i love the whole #bug talks tag! i love the fact that you share videos and such of your stimming and stuff too!! @undiagnosedautismfeels - since i am undiagnosed, i love scrolling this blog to help me remember that i do belong here and am autistic which is very very important to me >.< @biggest-gaudiest-patronuses - can i really make a autistic shout out post without shouting out Autistic Icon Gaud?? No I cannot. Seriously, tho, their blog is hilarious, gaud... thanks for simultaneously weirding me the fuck out and making my fucking day with every single post you have XD ((i also now realize that im not sure if we actually follow all y'all on stimbin here.... i follow you guys from my personal tumblr lmao but ill make sure to follow if we haven't already on this blog XD))

April 22: What are some social rules that do not make sense to you/that you don't understand? recently I'm struggling a lot with the fact that i need to tell people i cant talk. I'm usually very verbal but when i get burnt out, socializing is the first thing to go lol. So unless you're my person or I come to you first, I Do Not Want To Talk. And in fact, its usually extremely exhausting and honestly pisses me of very quickly which is something i'm currently trying to figure out how to tell people because when I tell people i just dont want to talk, they get offended and im not sure why. I think it's because I am usually talkative (obviously... have you seen my posts...) so when I'm not talkative people get worried and talk to me more... which,,, thank you for caring but also you're making it worse??? please someone help i have no idea how to express this to people >.< those who know (and accept...) im autistic have no issues with giving me space but those who dont know or dont believe me when i say im autistic (or those who dont know how it affects me...) dont seem to get it and just get mad at me. this is a social rule im having an issue with because it always got me in a Lot of trouble as a kid and even recently (maybe 2-3ish months ago??) my old manager got very hurt because i told her i just didnt want to talk that day and thats why i was quiet, but not to worry about me, i just needed some time/space & she was very hurt by that and kept bringing it up so i'm just really not sure how to do this....??? its very much a me thing and has nothing to do with you, so why do people get all upset, offended, mad at me, and ridicule me for not wanting to talk to them???? help /.\

April 23: Do you have any internal rules? What are they? Honestly, I know that I do but I can't currently think of any. They usually stem from masking/forced masking growing up so I don't really consciously think about them any more? its just a survival tactic from growing up. Like you know, don't rock in front of people, don't do this, don't do that, etc etc. I literally can't think of most things right now because I kinda block them out??? I should probably work on that. Can't help myself from getting out of the trauma mindset if I don't even know what I'm avoiding! The only like neutral/positive rule I can think of right now is that I really don't like my food to touch. Like, there are certain things I will mix, but if I can avoid things touching on my plate, I absolutely will. does that count as an internal rule? i think so lol

April 24: Talk about community. What does the autistic community mean to you? Is it important? How does it feel? to me... the autistic community is very important. If you made it this far in the post, you’d know just from my few little shout outs, community means a lot to me. I'm not necessarily one to wrap up my identity in my labels (as i talked about in my first post of days 1-5 cuz like this post... i missed some days -_-) but I enjoy having the label because it helps me to realize im not alone in my struggles, and my accomplishments can also be shared with a wonderful community. There's always something to be said about the importance of having people who share your interests and/or experiences, and it's amazing that i can just search into the actuallyautistic tag and find so many relatable posts and amazing people who i can relate to in even a small way. I thank everyone who has ever posted or reblogged something into the actuallyautistic tag for giving me such a comforting sense of belonging. Love all you guys >.<

#aurora posts #long post #30daysofautismacceptance #actuallyautistic #autism acceptence month #autism acceptance 2020

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rattusrattus3 · 4 years

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Rabbit, I used to be a very violent person, it started when I got put in care and it carried on when i was in hospital for my mental health. I'm no longer violent and I'm getting better mentally but now I'm so worried that I'll never get a gf. I wouldn't want to hide any of my past to a partner, but I have so much baggage. The fact that I went from care to mental hospitals for years, the fact that I used to be so violent, I'm scared it'll just push people away. I feel like I dont deserve love

Alright so I’m gonna start by saying I’m not a mental health professional and this is just my opinion and ur the expert on ur situation but anyway

Hi babe! In my experience violence generally stems from trauma and its a cycle, and it sounds like that was the case for you, it sucks that it happened obviously and it sounds like ur taking accountability so that’s really good;

here’s the thing I think tho, like the past happened, and you can only do so much to make amends, after you’ve done that, I feel like there’s kind of no point in self flagellation and belief in guilt and belief in the idea that a past action has defined you... cause it’s obviously not the space you’re in now? you’re different! you’re healing and learning and growing and just because you’ve done a hurtful thing in the past (that you’re actively trying to heal) doesn’t make you irredeemable!! I don’t know man I’ve been working through my own guilt trauma stuff so I feel you it’s fucking hard to feel guilty and it’s hard to feel like a past action or mistake defined us but like, you have to forgive yourself and recognize that you’re different today... I don't know i think that if you have a hurtful behavior, and u recognize it, and then change it, you dont have to self define as this thing you used to be. You are in charge of how you identify yourself cause it impacts u most, so pls be kinder 2 urself and recognize the progress you’ve made.

this is whatever but ~ In my experience girlfriends and boyfriends and partners come along randomly and when the “universe” or whatever needs to teach you something, like I really think ppl come into our lives cause we have stuff to teach them and they have stuff to teach us, it makes things a lot less stressful to think abt it that way for me .. that a partner will come along when the time is right , or not, and either way you will be ok. In my experience the more mentally healthy I get and the more I work on self care and self love on MYSELF the easier all my relationships get cause I’m much healthier and setting boundaries and learning new patterns of behaviour

Also in my experience like ... everyone has some sort of trauma in their life, it’s so uncommon I think to go thru life without some sort of pain or difficulty so like ... you’re normal welcome to the club of being alive, I promise you whatever future partner u may or may not have will also come with their own baggage and y’all can support each other as u work thru ur respective stuff !!! People all seem so well adjusted and fine but legit I think everyone has some kind of secret or pain or difficulty that is invisible to most of the world

So just know that you’re not a bad person, know that you deserve love and healing and happiness, know that finding love from a gf or whoever will be easier and more smooth the more mentally healthy and loving yourself you are, and please please please forgive yourself for the past. You deserve love, it sounds like you’ve had some deep wounding and that sucks but it doesn’t have to be your permanent state! I love therapy (betterhelp has been good for me) but also mental illness happy hour podcast and also support groups are fantastic, also apps like Clear Fear for anxiety have helped me so much and here’s some tags that might be nice on my blog 4 u to distract u if and when you’re feeling bad (mental health) (self care) (reminders) (art) (this tag has cute stuff in it)

I have found personally helpful to research (i.e. googling) CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy), maybe looking into Attachment Styles, Self Forgiveness, Releasing Guilt, and Internal Family Systems could be helpful?

Anyway good luck I love you! you deserve love, if u ever feel like u are unloved know u can count me! im cheering u on u got this

#asks #ask #advice #im unqualified #violence tw

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warmau · 5 years

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{Regular Inspired!AU x NCT 127} Johnny

tw: weapons mention, violence mention, n*fw elements, be warned. everything written here is a work of FICTION, it does not in anyway reflect reality, nor do i condone any of the extreme behavior. ♢ introduction ♢ pick mark instead | pick haechan instead | pick yuta instead

“he’s guilty of being soft - a hopeless romantic type who’d rather runaway than break a heart.”

“i choose john-”

before you can even finish, johnny is cascading over to you

he’s abandoned his wine glass and is instead clapping his hands together ceremoniously

as he takes a bow in front of the table you’re sitting on

“i promise to keep you quite entertained during your time with jung enterprises”

he extends a hand to help you up

and you take it, faltering a little

and asking quietly that you rather he promise to keep you quite safe

he winks, muttering under his breath that of course he will be doing that too

before turning to the rest of the group with a smile

“well, as you can tell the decision has been made. it was obvious from the start that i would be the best choice as the rest of you,,,,,,,,”

he lowers his tone a little

“dont know how to treat a guest right anyway”

somewhere in the room haechan scoffs

mark is giving you an almost worried look

while doyoung and jungwoo turn to discuss something in hushed whispers

taeil suddenly pops up by your side, poking the skin of your cheek and causing you to let out a surprised gasp

“johnny has more secrets than you think!”

he exclaims

and you want to ask what in the world he means

but he’s already shoo’d off

jaehyun’s hand comes down on a nearby table - the sound rattling everyone into silence

and you notice johnny take a step in front of you

as jaehyun clears his throat

“it’s been settled. everyone go home. johnny, make sure they -”

“what do you think i am, an ungentlemanly idiot? of course i will escort this lovely person home”

jaehyun doesn’t bother to respond

even though he seems utterly pissed about the whole situation - he seems content with your trust in johnny

you start to think that johnny is probably held close by the jungs, he is after all their lawyer

or so you hope

“you can report tomorrow to my office darling, for now ill call my chauffeur and have him bring you to your home”

“oh, you’re not coming with us?”

you ask almost on instinct

johnny’s smile widens

“ah you want me to stay by your side? well of course you do, we’re one in the same now aren’t we? and alas, i dont want to leave you either, but i have some more work to do.”

he takes your hand gently, lifting it up to kiss the top

“but tomorrow - i promise, we’ll be together all day, baby”

johnny drawls out the words - his voice naturally sensual and emphasized

just the way he speaks makes your body react a certain way

but you talk it down, reminding yourself of the situation you’re actually in

these people are dangerous, these people could kill you

johnny’s chauffeur is an older aged man, he speaks with you in english and you think you hear some kind of accent - maybe from a big city like chicago

but that slips your mind

because you’re watching the streets of seoul pass in your window

regular people, regular cars

you’d been just like them the other day and now,,,,,,you’re being driven home under the pretense that you might run away from the mob

the goddamn mob

you groan and the chauffeur asks if you’re ok - when johnny is stressed he usually just needs something to drink

you shake your head politely, explaining that everything is fine

it’s just been,,,,,,,,a long day

the next morning ,,,,, johnny is outside of your house

he’s wearing an expensive looking jacket over a freshly pressed white button down

the cuffs of the jacket are pushed up to his elbows and on his arm is an array of expensive bands and a diamond watch matches on the other

he greets you with another kiss on your hand - eyes hidden behind equally as expensive shades

“i thought i would make up having to leave you all alone last night by picking you up today,,,”

he starts - smiling when a group of women pass by, all whispering and pointing at him

he waves and they all go up in arms about it as they hurry on past

and you take note that johnny just seems to like attention,,,,,,especially the attention of those who find him attractive

“are we going to the office?”

you ask, suddenly wanting him to just get into the car so all the eyes on the street would stop finding their way to you

“oh no no no, office work will come later. for now, i want to make sure you get to enjoy some new luxuries.”

you blink, trying to read between the lines

does luxuries mean something in this shady industry? are you about to be in the middle of something dangerous?

but,,,,,,,,,,,,it’s nothing of that sort

when johnny meant luxuries - he meant it literally

you find yourself following him into stores of brand names you’d only read about in magazines

everywhere the store employees recognize and treat johnny like he’s a celebrity

you are paraded in and out of dressing rooms, in and out of clothing you could never afford

you make the mistake of looking at a price tag while you’re changing and almost fall over

the whole time you insist to johnny that this is,,,,,,overwhelming,,,,,and you dont want him to buy you something - or spend his money or time anymore

that you’re fine going to the office and filing papers all day

but johnny takes your chin in his hand and tilts your face up to meet his

“im not doing this because i pity the situation you’re in baby, im doing this because im letting you have a taste of my world”

his mouth curls up into a smile

“and you’re part of it now.”

he lets you go, turning to focus his attention on some expensive necklace

but the words rattle you

im a part of a whole new world?

the shopping trip turns into a stop by a restaurant where everything is in french but johnny doesnt even have to order

the chef knows what he wants

and you feel small in such a big chair in such a big restaurant

when johnny is really only two feet away

the fancy food turns into fancy art

hung up on the walls of highbrow galleries

johnny listing names of artists like they’re his favorite colors

everywhere he goes and everything he says just dazzles you - the capacity of his networking, his social skill

it’s hard to believe he even needs to work for the jungs - it seems money is naturally drawn to him

as are people

it’s supposed to be your day with him, as johnny had sort of sketchily implied

but when you think about it, it’s been you watching his broad back

people flanking his sides

people chattering in his ear

you’re ignored - aside from the watchful eyes of bodyguards or securities in whatever upscale establishment you go into

and it’s not jealousy,,,,,,,you’re not vain or greedy for his attention

you just,,,,,,feel out of place

so when it’s already night and johnny tells his driver to take you to your home

you dont have anything to say - seated on the leather backseat with johnny right beside you

“well, did you enjoy yourself?”

he asks, leaning his head back and opening the window on his side

his hair whips a bit in the wind that comes through

and when you look at him like this,,,he’s almost unreal

“im very ,,,,, i appreciate you taking your time to show me all of this. it’s all very,,,,,,,,new”

you try to pick your words carefully - but it’s hard

you dont know how to politely say - it was super uncomfortable

johnny doesnt respond, not until the car pulls up onto your quiet street

but before you get out, johnny goes

“you have no interest in being rich, do you?”

his tone isn’t demeaning, it’s rather more,,,,,,genuinely surprised

you lay your hands in your lap and shake your head

“im only interested in being,,,,,normal. a desk job, a good retirement plan, maybe a family.”

you pause and johnny’s gaze is suddenly on you

his hand reaches out, brushes yours

“you’re very humble. i hope you stay that way.”

this voice is one you haven’t heard from johnny

it’s a stark contrast to his usual upbeat, personable and borderline flirtatious sound

this is,,,,,,,,,,,,almost prayer like

but it’s gone as soon as it comes

he straightens up his shoulders and gives you a wave as you step out of the car

“see you tomorrow, be sure to rest and be as pretty in the morning!”

and with that he closes the door to the car and you go to your apartment

worn out, tired

happy to be in your tiny, little corner of normalcy

thankfully, johnny doesnt take you out like that again

for the next couple of weeks you only see him at the office

where he is just as teasing and cheery - calling you over to help him with affectionate names and light touches on your back

it’s not predatory or suggestive - although doyoung has on several occasions grabbed johnny’s hand or given him looks when you were all in the same room

but you dont feel as if you’re being pressured to do anything

you just think this is how johnny is,,,,he’s inviting to everyone,,,,or at least everyone who he in return is fond of

you’re not alone, he’s ruffled mark’s hair in front of you - as if mark isn’t also part of the underground illegal business they’re all in

he’s used cute chinese add-ons when addressing sicheng

quite literally told jungwoo how “adorable and handsome” he was when the mentioned had come in to work with a new haircut

he was just social

so nothing he did to you made you feel outright special

but what it did make you feel was distracted

you were thankful to have someone with his disposition looking after you

had it been taeyong or jaehyun, you think you’d spend everyday sweating over the fact that you could be killed

or put in danger

but johnny made you forget that

until ,,,,, something changed

you had maybe been wrapping up the first month of your time with jung enterprises

happy to have not witnessed anything too gruesome or too against the law

when you’d come in before leaving to see if johnny needed any last minute help

you’d found him at his desk, papers scattered in piles around his feet - his large hand grabbing a fistful of his hair as he shook slightly behind his computer screen

at first you dropped everything and thought he was in some kind of physical pain

but when you got closer, concern in your voice

johnny barked for you to get back

you could only see briefly what was on the screen

the image was of johnny,,,,,,,,,,,,and you

the first day where he’d taken you out

but not wanting to infringe on him, you did as you were told

backed silently out of the office, collected your discarded bag, and disappeared downstairs

johnny’s chauffeur could see the almost ghostly look in your eyes - so he made quick work of getting you home

“don’t worry about him, i will go back and check if he is alright”

he’d assured, surprisingly using english instead of korean

you had a weird feeling in your gut that something was going on - something had been going on all this time

and only you weren’t in the loop

once inside, you’d suddenly stated to panic

had someone threatened johnny? why did the use a photo of you and him together? were you also going to be in danger?

all of those thoughts began to circle and chant louder and louder in your head

they kept you up all night

and in the morning, you came into the office absolutely petrified

mark running over to you almost immediately

“what’s wrong?”

he asked, leading you into the empty printing room, shutting the door

before you could answer, the door clicked again and through it came taeil of all people

his smile wide on his face, his hands clasped behind his back

“so did you find out johnny’s secret?”

he chirped, mark trying to tell him through gritted teeth that now wasn’t the time to joke around

but you could only shake your head

“n-no, but ,,,,,, but is it bad? i just saw johnny last night and he was a mess-”

mark opens his mouth, but taeil moves him to the side as he bends over to get closer to you

“johnny isn’t a mess, his life is. you’ll probably never find out - but if you do, i think you wont really want to be around him anymore~”

“taeil, that’s enough. johnny isn’t a bad guy - he just has a past”

mark’s voice is soothing, as is his concerned expression and gentle hand on your shoulder

but even though his words are meant to calm you down, you forget them and only think about taeil’s

you wont really want to be around him anymore

you want to ask why,,,,was his past riddled with worse crimes? was he really a horrible person?

but taeil just laughs, turns on his heel and leaves the printing room before you can even formulate a question to ask

not that he’d answer it anyway

mark leads you back to johnny’s office

where you can see his silhouette inside

and mark asks if you’d rather have someone else watch over you, he could do it or maybe doyoung

but you would feel wrong just up and trading johnny away

he’d been nothing but kind to you, he’d done nothing but made you forget all the realities of this job

so you decline, thanking mark and taking in a deep breath before walking in

johnny seems back to his usual self, his desk is all cleaned up and he doesn’t seem to be anything short of,,,,,,happy

when he sees you - his eyes light up and he reaches out to grab your hand

“darling! ive been waiting!”

he eagerly motions with his other hand to the door

“i have a meeting with a new client and id like you to come with me!”

you blink, stuck between wanting to ask if he’s ok and between asking if going to meet a client would be safe for you

johnny doesnt hesitate before taking his brief case and leading you back out the door

people from their desks look up, but no one really pays attention

and when you find yourself already in the car - you’re surprised that ,,,,,,,, haechan is also there

“you- you’re here,,”

you start and he snorts

“no offense but i belong here - youre the one that’s out of place.”

you bite back your tongue and johnny swats at haechan like he’s some young child

“don’t speak like that to them, you may be my assistant but they’re our guest-”

haechan huffs, taking out his phone and making it clear he doesnt care what else is said

the car ride is awkward, johnny chats with his driver and tells you about the client

as haechan’s elbow mercilessly digs into your side - even though there’s totally room for him to move over

when you finally pull up to an office building

you brace yourself for the worse

if this is a client that is interested in the jung’s ,,,, “family” business,,,,then that means it’ll be like what you see in the movies

a big mob boss, cigar smoke, men in black, guns,,,,,,,

but to your surprise it’s none of that

the office is normal, the man who you meet is normal, and there isn’t any sort of weapon or burly bodyguard in sight

“i understand you’re interested in drawing up a contract with jung enterprises - is that correct?”

johnny asks, you are seated beside him - notepad out, ready to take notes

while haechan seemingly thinks the best place is to stand directly behind johnny - eyes locked on the poor client

“yes,,,i wanted to talk to one of the company’s lawyers before i agreed to anything.”

the man explains, passing some sort of document to johnny

the conversation is a typical business conversation - nothing shady, nothing illegal

haechan seems to have had enough, as he’s on his phone now

and you’re trying to take notes before suddenly you hear the man address you

“is this your intern?”

johnny nods, motioning to you

“they’re wonderful. please give them your card so they can contact you on my behalf.”

the man shuffles around his desk and you take the business card he extends with a polite bow

you read it

‘cho kyuhyun’

the meeting ends and as you’re walking out beside johnny, you catch sight of something in the waistband of his suit as he reaches for the elevator

it’s the grip of handgun, and as soon as you see it - you avert your eyes away

now you know why haechan chose to stand where he did

“that guy looked like a total weirdo,,,,”

haechan says when the elevator doors close

“well at least he’s not another one of those goons from the busan gang - remember how messy our last meeting was?”

johnny sighs, turning to you

“im glad you didn’t have to see anything like that”

he smiles and you don’t know why, but your shoulders tense

a mess? like a bloody mess?

haechan doesnt follow you and johnny to the car - he waves his phone and mutters something about having to see jaehyun

“isn’t jaehyun at the office?”

“jaehyun is never at the office, he’s always avoiding his father.”

johnny explains

you look down at the notepad still in your hand,,,,kyuhyun’s card inside of it

“well since haechan has left us, i think we should also find something fun to do!”

johnny leans forward and whispers something to the chauffeur

“wait - we aren’t going to the office?”

you watch as johnny’s smile spreads out on his face

“it’s a beautiful day - let’s not spend it holed up inside~”

you want to protest, to say that you love being inside! but then you remember how johnny had looked

sitting at that computer, shaking

and think that this might be for his own sake - a meaningful distraction

so you force a smile back

the car pulls up infront of what looks like another over decorated, unnecessarily rich store

you follow johnny out, ready to feel completely ostracized among the heavily invested, borderline trying to marry johnny employees

and rich people who can practically smell the poorness on you

but instead of stopping every second to entertain someone, or even acknowledge the people who mid sentence try to greet him

johnny just announces that he’ll be upstairs in the “amour éternel suite ”

you scurry behind him, trying to keep in tune with his long legs as he makes his way up a crescendo staircase

into an open, runway style changing room

you look around the interior

there are couches made of white leather - trays with red roses and bottles of wine paired with crystal glasses

and all of the clothes

are wedding clothes

beautiful, floor sweeping gowns

veils with crystals woven into them

suits made of soft, soft silk

and cases line the wall of glittering, gigantic diamond rings

you feel your throat dry, a sweltering nervousness makes a home in your stomach

as johnny walks past the mannequins, gently running his hand over some of the gowns and suits

till he settles on something he likes

he turns to you, eyes narrowed - scanning you up and down

as you press closer into yourself

suddenly shy and unaware of yourself

“this, put this on.”

he passes you what he’s chosen and you’re almost fearful to touch it

but there’s an insistence in his voice,,,,,that deep prayer like voice you’d only heard once before

who is this johnny? why is he acting like this?

all of these thoughts preoccupy your mind as you change, hands trembling over the expensive garments

your own eyes too scared to face your transformed reflection

“are you ready?”

he asks and you feel so out of place,,,,,so embarrassed

“johnny, why are you making me do this?”

you ask and the sound of your shaking voice seems to rattle itself through johnny

because you hear him get up, walk across the vast room, till you feel him outside of the curtain that seperates you and him

“can i come inside?”

it’s soft, a plea almost

shyly you reach and pull the curtain back

you’re wearing what he’s chosen, even the accessories and when you look up at johnny

you gasp

his cheery expression, always happy and playful smile is gone

replaced with dark, downcast eyes

that seem faraway and pained

his handsome features all highlighted by a look of utter agony

“you look divine”

he says - reaching out, touching the curve of your neck

“tell me, you said you wanted a regular life. a family. i assume you want to get married?”

“i,,,ive thought about it of course, but -”

“so tell me. you want to marry a person you love - not a person who is chosen for you, right?”

your throat closes up on itself

you’re searching johnny’s face for some kind of explanation

what is going on here? what is he talking about? why did he look so terrified last night? what is happening right in front of you that is being kept secret?

“i ,,,,, i want to marry the person i love”

“so do i”

johnny’s hand falls from your neck, to the dip of your waist

gently he pulls you out into the room and before you know it

he’s spinning you around, swaying with you in the silence of the room

he moves your body to his lead

your eyes connected with his

confusion apparent on your face, torment on his

it’s the only time in your life you’ve ever danced with no music

your body completely under the control of the man who leads with such painful elegance

that you can’t help but give in

johnny twirls you around and for a second the whole world is in this room

the eternity of your past, his past, your future, his future

is here

until you make a small mistake, drop a hand from his shoulder and you feel it brush past his waist

past the gun that’s hidden there

it strikes you back into reality and you pull from his hold

johnny lets you, standing there with his head hung low

as you hurry back behind the curtain, throw off the wedding clothes, and put your own back hastily

when you come out, johnny is on the phone

“so he checks out? you haven’t found out who sent me those photos? that’s fine. ok.”

you wait until he’s done

turning around to see you again

“it looked beautiful on you, would you like me to buy i-”

“no.”

johnny takes you home instead of the office

he has the car drop you off and you don’t look back when you go inside

you don’t know why you suddenly feel ,, angry? scared? you don’t know why your head is spinning

you think of johnny’s darkened eyes - an expression you’d never seen before in your life

you ask over and over why he made you put those clothes on. why he asked you about marriage

you ask over and over what is he hiding? what’s the secret?

but there are no answers

there never are with him

and in the morning, you dread seeing him

you dread seeing everyone

but you have to go to work - scared if you stay home jaehyun’s own father will come and collect you

or even worse

johnny will come to your home, exist with his incomprehensible self in the only space that is safe for you

johnny is in his office, and so is kyuhyun

the man you’d met with yesterday

you greet them both and say you’ll go get some coffee started

johnny doesn’t say anything to keep you

and as you’re making the coffee - you nearly let the pot overheat

someone’s hand coming over to put the heat out

“trying to commit arson? you’re interested in being a criminal now?”

you look up to see taeil by your side, trickster grin and all

“will you tell me johnny’s secret?”

he adjusts the tie around his neck, shrugging his shoulders up and down

“he’s guilty of being soft - a hopeless romantic type who’d rather runaway than break a heart.”

you scoff, uncaring of the fact that you’re sure taeil could hurt you if he pleased

but you’re sick of playing guessing games

and not being in the loop

at first you didnt want to know what shady business was going on - but working for johnny had started feeling like a legitimate job

like a trusted boss and intern relationship

and

maybe

in a small way, something more

but you repressed that thought - you just wanted to help johnny

that’s what it really came down to, and right now it felt like that wasn’t possible

you return, brushing past taeil who just laughs as you walk away

to johnny’s office, setting the coffee down

oblivious to the way kyuhyun watches you intently

the two of them talk a bit more as you work on some of the files that need to be organized

before he leaves kyuhyun says goodbye to you

and you turn, his eyes large and dark - staring almost through you

it’s a little weird, but your mind is so cluttered that you don’t care much

you exchange a small bow and then go back to your work

johnny doesnt talk much as usual

he’s actually focused on work

and multiple times leaves the office after being called by the ceo

you try to act normal but it’s hard

and for the next couple of days - there’s just this rift between you two

you waited and waited for johnny’s usual attitude to come back, fo him to greet you with a petname - to touch your back gently as he asked about your morning

but it didn’t happen

he didnt turn cruel or anything - he just,,,,became kind of silent around you

“i cant believe it - but i think you’ve put a curse on johnny.”

doyoung mentions one day

“he isn’t walking around talking up a storm anymore.”

you feel a twinge of sadness in your heart - you didn’t mean it,,,,you dont understand what you did to make johnny like this

so finally you decide that you’re going to confront it

he is a dangerous man - you know this, but you trust he wouldnt hurt you and you want everything to be as it was before

“johnny, can i talk to you?”

you ask on a quiet evening, the rest of the office has already gone for the day and the dim light comes through the windows as the sky turns from bright blue to a yawning grey

he looks up from his computer, eyes tired

“of course”

“i dont know what i said or did,,,,maybe i acted rudely at the store we went to - but i just want to ask if everything is ok?”

johnny listens to your question, then moves a bit forward in his chair

you feel him take your wrist and tug you closer

your eyes glancing to his office door to see if it’s close

“ive been such a scumbag, haven’t i?”

he starts

“i was that one who was rude to you, who dragged you around without a care. you should be mad at me. but there are things,,,,,going on now that are very complicated. ive been wrapped up and have neglected you - but just know that no matter what you do or say,,,,,i will never be upset with you”

his voice is soft and genuine, he tugs you a bit closer but also loosens his hold

lets you decide if he’s too close or not

and for a moment you’re stuck looking at his lips

his gorgeous lips

that those pretty words all come out of and - and you think had it been anyone else in the world

with lips like those, a face like his, you’d have fallen in love like magic

and maybe just a little part of you did

johnny knows where you’re looking - and he reads your mind

he tilts his head and lets his hand come up to move to your neck

pull you down and whisper

“close your eyes”

before he does what you can’t bring yourself to do

and just as you feel his lips brush yours

the door opens

and you jump back like a frightened animal

johnny getting up on impulse to block you from whoever is at the door

but it’s only kyuhyun

you both relax

and think he’s probably just here to drop something off

when suddenly, he pulls something from behind his back

“youngho. you’re coming with me”

you think you must have misheard or misunderstood

youngho? who is that?

but johnny doesnt falter, he just motions with his hand for you to get behind him

“i should have known they would send someone for me.”

“you thought you could escape the arrangement? change your name, fly to korea, and it would all be over?”

kyuhyun smirks, his finger calm on the trigger

his hand extended - lining up a shot that would go point blank through johnny’s heart

“your family wants you back. her family wants your back. you can’t just leave your fiancé like that.”

your blood goes cold

fiancé?

“she knows i dont love her, her parents just want -”

kyuhyun hisses for him to shuttup

he steps closer, then moves the gun over johnny’s shoulder

“this lover of yours - they’re no match to the woman whose waiting back in chicago. dont make me kill them for the sake of your marriage”

you dont dare to breathe, let alone speak

is this johnny’s secret? that he’s escaping a wife back in the states?

your heart churns in pain, but your mind cant believe it

not with the memory of him standing in that changing room

looking at you

“i want to marry the person i love”

“so do i”

with the kind of emotion and empathy that could only exist inside someone who really truly believed that

so whoever this fiancé was,,,,,,she wasn’t in johnny’s heart

if she was you’re sure he’d be there with her

not here in korea

not here

with you

“they’re not my lover-”

“bullshit. you know i have evidence. youngho, who do you think sent you that photo?”

your mind flashes back to that night where you’d seen johnny alone in his office

“who do you think wrote that letter? i warned you that id come and get you. and if i had to kill the person you were sleeping with - parading out on the town with like some unmarried man - i would. no hesitation.”

kyuhyun’s voice is cold

his expression stoic, beside the smirk that comes when johnny doesnt answer right away

“nothing to say? just step aside, get your things, and come with me to america. ill even let your little pet run off alive.”

you begin to panic, frightened that

one) johnny would leave - abandon the jungs and his life here and two) that when he did - you’d still be hunted down, unprotected with him gone

but johnny doesnt have any plan to give in

not even when he’s unarmed - a gun pointed in his direction

he instead turns around, facing you and smiles

“remember when i said i was happy you never got to see things get messy?”

you are frozen in place - but manage a tiny nod

“well, baby it’s going to get messy so please forgive me in advance.”

with that he turns, steps forward and right as you see kyuhyun’s hand squeeze over the trigger

with one swift movement and shout

johnny orders you to run - as he squats down, one long leg coming to roundhouse kick kyuhyun off his balance

a shot goes off, but just as it does the gun comes flying out of kyuhyun’s hands by the stun kick

you run to duck under the desk, but see the gun go skidding across the office floor

it lands only a couple of feet from you

you can hear kyuhyun shout - but johnny throws his weight forward, keeping kyuhyun pinned to the ground

he lifts his hand up to land a fist into his chest

and you - scared out of your mind - think this could be your only chance

you dart out, reaching for the gun

kyuhyun manages to land a hard blow into johnny’s jaw with his elbow

and throw him off

he comes barreling toward the gun, but you get it first

and before he can grit his teeth, grab you by the collar

he’s being pulled back, johnny’s arms wrapped around his torso as he stops him from getting close

“GET OUT OF HERE!”

johnny yells and you dash for the door, your adrenaline pumping high in your ears

but then you stop

“what about you-”

johnny throws kyuhyun down, getting back ontop with his hand pulled back

he doesnt answer - but you can see the pure power almost radiating off of him

scared to leave him on his own like this, but sure he can hold his own

you dash down the stairs, screaming for mark, jungwoo, doyoung, jaehyun - anyone

until it’s haechan who rushes past you

“it’s johnn-”

you start, but he seems to know

“im his assistant, i can tell somethings up.”

and with that he’s flown by you like the wind, up the stairs to the offices

you stand - hands shaking with the gun in them

the image of johnny’s bruised face, his broad shoulders shaking - this time with anger and strength as it broke free from his body

a moment or two later, it’s taeil who finds you with the gun

he grabs it from your hands and doesnt offer any comfort or words

he just looks at you

“still want to be around johnny?”

there’s no ambulance called, no police - obviously - but you hear something about kyuhyun being dragged up to face the ceo

and that finally

when you can go back upstairs as well

johnny is seated in a chair, ice on his swelling jaw

dried blood on the corner of his mouth, his hair a mess and sweat soaked through his shirt

when he sees you - he tries to smile, say that he’s happy you’re safe

but you just fall on your knees infront of him

sobbing against his knee

“i thought he’d hurt you- that if i left he’d really take you back and i would never see you ag-”

you feel his hand in your hair, petting it softly

till you look up and johnny motions for you to stand

you do and he pulls you between his legs

“im not leaving. it’s true, i left america and changed my name to get out of an arrange marriage but that’s because i had no choice. it was marry her or die. and im not the kind of man who can marry someone who he doesnt love”

“see, hopeless romantic like i said”

taeil chirps from somewhere

but you don’t care or notice the rest of the room

you just see johnny, not youngho not the ‘mysterious past’ johnny

you see the johnny

who so dearly cared for you - distracted you from all of your life’s troubles

when his own was all upside down

“was kyuhyun-”

“he was sent to kidnap me. he was sending me photos of us,,,claiming he knew we were longtime lovers. im sorry you had to get involve-”

you lean in, careful of his swelling to pull johnny into a hug

he chuckles against your ear and lets his hands wrap around your waist

“i know you said we werent to kyuhyun - but i would be honored to be the person you one day call your lover”

you whisper, without really thinking, to johnny

low enough for him to only hear

and it’s as if your heart has talked for the first time

and johnny only squeezes you closer

“should i call you lover instead of baby from now on?”

he mumbles and presses a kiss to the side of your skin

which makes you pull back, embarrassed to do this with others in the room

but the rest of the group just seems to look as if they’ve expected this to happen

haechan does a gagging motion with his hand, which you see has also taken a couple of beatings

you thank him later for helping johnny - only to be answered with a

“just because you’re with him doesnt mean i have to like you too,,,,,,,but it was ballsy of you to grab a gun like that!”

the rest of the night, after johnny is driven home and insists that you stay over too

just to “nurse” his bruises

you find yourself for the first time since the fight alone with him

the first time since you two kissed alone with him

and you listen to johnny’s story

escaping america, begging his parents not to force him to marry

and you realize that’s why he took you to that store

johnny, like any normal person, had fantasies about his wedding day

about the person he would love

his family was doing its best to ensure he wouldnt get that - that he’d dread his wedding day - a scam, to be with a person who you dont love

you wonder to yourself

did he go there a lot alone - to that store

look at the gowns, the tuxs, and wish he could have a chance to be regular

johnny kisses you a lot that night, says something about how he’s never got the chance to do it with someone he really truly felt something for

and how it all tasted sweeter - felt warmer

until you curled up close with him and asked gently

“are there any other secrets you have?”

he breathed out

“all my secrets,,,,,,you know them now ,,,,, and i promise to never hide a thing from you again”

the words make your heart feel as if it’s going to rip through your chest - because they’re so sincere

they sound like wedding vows

“ill tell you everything too”

you reply, closing your eyes and letting johnny lightly trace his fingers over your neck

the hairs on your skin stand up from the touch and you let his hand go further downwards

his lips kiss where his fingers have been

and you hear it against your skin through the hazey feeling that starts to fog your brain with pleasure

“baby, im yours and you are mine”

the next morning you come into the office and when taeil tilts his head and asks why you’re wearing a turtleneck

you tell him,,,,,,it’s a secret

#nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct au #nct 127 scenarios #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 au #johnny scenarios #johnny imagines #johnny au #regular au #nct #johnny #seo youngho #uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh who wrote this .......it wasnt me..............#weapons/#blood/

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