#so contact also exhausts me. it's better if it isn't one on one because then I don't feel like all the eyes are on me

[byullielle]

Honey! Are You Coming? // Bang Chan x Idol!Reader

HONEY (ARE U COMING?), Maneskin Chan tells Y/N that he's ready to make their relationship public, but always with a flair for the dramatic, he hesitantly tells her that he wants Dispatch to do the piecing together and just keep heading out with you until a rumor starts.

Tags: Est. Relationship, Humor and Fluff, Idol!Reader, Age Gap (5 years), Paparazzi (Dispatch) Involvement, Slight Angst, Social Media Utilization, Slightly Non-Linear

Disclaimer: this is my dissertation on idols dating. sasaeng contact also appears in this. MINORS DNI.

a/n: i know the song has barely reached a week of release but come on, the song is perfect. might be revealing my maneskin addiction but its a bangin song sue me.

“Baby,” Chan places his chin atop your thigh as you hum and look away from your phone down in his direction. He looked so cute, a cat headband ready in your solo apartment now adorning his head, matching yours. His eyes are tantalizing, shiny, and absolutely filled with genius and love before he smiles, “I have something to tell you, a suggestion actually,” 

There goes the mischief.

You raise a brow, now suddenly uncertain of the “suggestion” because you know Chan like the back of your hand, there’s a chance it’ll be stupid as shit.

“I think I’m ready to make our relationship public,”

A pindrop of silence blankets upon you as your breath catches on your throat. “Really?” you couldn’t help but squeak out. It was something you’ve talked about 6 months prior, right before Changbin was enlisted and he couldn’t help but turn down your offer regrettably because he thought it would impede on the moving process from dorms to personal apartments. 

You accepted his decision and response wholeheartedly, because you were satisfied with the relationship either way, knowing damn well Jessica and Jack Bahng loved you and you were the other 7 kid’s assigned head noona (despite being younger than the entirety of the 00 line).

It was one of the factors that made you secure in your relationship with Chris but it was getting a bit exhausting to constantly hide behind masks and caps just to visit or hang out with him. It was a bit selfish when it came to intentions but when were you ever selfless when it came to your want for Chan?

So now that him sitting up brings you back down in reality you raise both your brows and move your head back, "Are you sure? I'm not pressuring you or anything," you immediately counter, "I hope this isn't something I pressured you to do Chan, I swear I'm fine with our current situation,"

He chuckles, cupping your face before pulling you in closer and pressing a chaste kiss against your lips. You pout at him before you feel the comforting pressure of his hand on the crown of your head, "I'm 100% sure baby, I promise," he smiles assuringly, pressing your foreheads together, "Everything is in it's place now, we can take this risk now,"

"Okay," you breathe out in relief and close your eyes. "Although," you open them up again to see an absolutely playful look in his eyes. "I have an idea,"

You hum, looking right into his eyes before he detaches his forehead from yours, instead pulling you into his arms pressed to his side like a teddy bear. "What if we give Dispatch a little game, hm?"

You couldn't help but scoff. Of course. Your boyfriend hated being boring and basic, why were you even surprised? "You're suggesting," you lean your head against his shoulder and look up, "That we head out there and wait for a dating rumor to happen?"

"So smart," he scrunches his nose at you which garners a light punch to his chest, "Don't patronize me," you scold, making him laugh a bit more. "But yeah exactly that," he affirms.

"Well you better talk to the managers for that,"

"What?" his manager nearly shoots out of his seat in surprise at the explanation before you turn to give him a 'I told you he'd be mad,' look before being shot back with 'At least your manager seems chill about it,'

You shrug and try not to shake your head too obviously.

"Actually I don't think it's half a bad idea," your manager speaks up and Chan's manager looks at her like she'd grown a second head. She throws her hands up, "I mean think about it, it's past comeback season and your other boys are in the military, they'd forget the heat in 4 months,"

"And if they don't?" Skzji questions with a cocked-up brow before your manager shrugs, "Free clout for the next comeback,"

Chan nods along, a bit impressed about being backed up because when you told her you were dating him she flipped out and you fought for nearly a week until you cried because you thought she was going to resign. Fun times.

Chan's manager seems to try and contemplate the repercussions of doing such thing. "Look at IU and Jisoo, they're doing fairly well now despite the dating revelations," she reasons out, "The fans will create a racket but let's have faith that the public would be a little bit more open-minded about it,"

"Y/N is also at risk," he throws back, "She'll be under more scrutiny compared to Chan because she's a female idol dating another idol, this is barely the same with IU and Jisoo,"

This makes you freeze up. He does have a very tangible and very correct point too—idol-to-idol dating was more delicate, especially given you and Chan's age gap, the fact that you were once co-trainees, and the demand of both you and him on fanbases, it was not the same formula as being or dating an actor.

But all in good faith. Should something backfire you're set for retirement and could simply carry on as a producer. Dating wasn't supposed to be such a locked-down, sure thing, but with your profession, it had to be.

"Are you ready to face that?" your manager looks to you with genuine concern in her eyes as you nod wordlessly. No words had to be said, the day both of you told them that you were dating she already knew every commitment you made to the relationship wasn't half-assed.

Defeated, his manager sighs and flails his hand, "Then go do what you want,"

Chan covers his lips behind his hand but you could almost feel the smile on his face. It was cute as you couldn't help but giddily slot your hands between your thighs along with lips pressed together in a thin line.

"Oh come on! There's no hiding your reactions now, you look like a bunch of schoolgirls!"

"Give them a little bit of a challenge baby, you're making this too easy," you chuckle and roll your eyes before sliding on the mask over your mouth despite Chan's pout and initial protest. "Alright point taken," he quickly concedes and grabs another mask from the glove box, "They'll probably take forever though,"

"It's mid-year, I just hope they don't fucking wait till January 1st to announce something," you sigh before looking at him with creases upturned by the corner of your eyes, "Let's go?"

He nods and you wait by the passenger's seat for him to circle around the car to open your door. He holds his hand out and you slot it through the gaps, intertwining your hands as you get pulled out of the car. He guides you to the streetwalk, hand in hand as both of you try to scan for the tteokbokki place you loved so much.

The owner is nice, an old woman who knows you're dating but doesn't know you're idols—bless her—and she's the reason both of you could go get tteokbokki all lovey-dovey cause she has never tattled so far. You even celebrated your 15th monthsary in this small, kinda run-down shop.

Both of you figured it was a good start to tip off people, after all, you never truly knew who was watching and following.

"Halmonie!" you greet happily while Chan holds the door for you. The only other occupied booth looks your way while the old woman beams and waddles towards you with her walking cane. "Aigoo, aigoo, you're both here! Sit, sit!" she immediately ushers as Chan slots hands with you again before taking a seat at the small stools, your usual booth.

"What shall I get you kids again today? The usual?"

"Sure halmonie, add rose ramyeon for us too please," Chan nods before slipping his mask off. Usually the cap would still obscure his features but all in his curly hair and barefaced glory, you were squealing in delight at how much of a great idea this was. You couldn't help but reach over and pat down a few of Chan's stray curls while he looks at you with utter adoration.

You hum and then sit back down once satisfied, smiling and nodding to yourself before Chan couldn't help but chuckle at your ministrations. "You're cute," he says with a cheek on his palm before you roll your eyes, "No you,"

"Oh?" he raises a brow and before he could retort you could feel something capture the moment. It's always been enhanced the longer you worked in the industry—the feeling of a camera pointing towards you. It was a bit invasive but nonetheless, you send Chan a knowing look before leaning forward, "You think we'd show up on twitter today?"

"Possibly," he whispers back.

"You alright with that? It isn't dispatch,"

"Yeah, but knowing them?" he scoffs and leans back, "They'll get their hands on it in no time,"

You laugh softly and shrug, "Whatever helps them not release it January 1st,"

He looks at you with an amused glint in his gaze, crossing his arms while scanning through your features properly, "You really wanna tell the world ASAP that badly huh,"

"I mean!" you start to defend yourself, a little bit flustered that Chan could read you like an open book, "It'll be fun and all but if they take too long I'm doing it my damn self,"

"4 month cut-off?" he negotiates as you nod, satisfied at the timeline given, "4 months,"

As the night progresses, both of you eat your tteokbokki, fish cakes, ramyeon and kimbap in peace, muddled in either deep or playful discussion.

And unfortunately, you two didn't trend on Twitter that night.

Foregoing masks was one thing, but showing up to the JYP building like you were part of the damn company was another. With your hair tied back, bareface on full display, only your eyes obscured by a black cap, and casual clothes on, it seemed like you were just clocking in on a work day to have a producer's meeting in JYP but fortunately, you were just there to bug your workaholic of a boyfriend.

With a box of vitamins, a takeout bag of soup, and a lunch box, along with a flask filled with water, the security greets you with a smile before handing you a visitor's pass to aid your roaming around the JYP halls. Getting to Chan was mapped out in the frontal terrains of your mind, getting there at record speed while occasionally greeting the staff passing by.

To say that this was a more liberating experience was an understatement.

Usually, Chan would have to schedule your arrival properly so that none of the staff potentially paid off my paparazzi would snitch when they see you but now it was so different because you were going to Channie and he didn't even know it. People look and stare on your way to his studio, sure that it'll definitely get some interns talking but you simply give them polite smiles and curt bows before carrying on.

You finally get to the floor of Chan's studio, humming to yourself before reaching the door and knocking. You press your head slightly to the door, listening for music in case he didn't hear the knock until you see a staff member exit the studio next door. Trying not to mind them, you knock a bit louder, hand heavier on the door before they whip their head at you and furrow their brows.

"Excuse me, are you an intern? You shouldn't be knocking that loudly against Bang Chan-ssi's studio!" she scolds which makes your brows shoot up a bit at the reprimand.

If there was Chan's Room, he'd tell you for sure and you'd already be watching the broadcast. His next formal recording doesn't happen in this studio specifically and last time you recall you've garnered specific rights to interrupt him—girlfriend rights and all.

You couldn't help but sheepishly scoff, "Oh I'm not an intern," you respond, feeling the heat rise up your neck a bit before she starts approaching you with a bit of an annoyed gait to her.

Just in time, Chan opens the door to his studio. "Y/N-ah?!" he greets with ample surprise and thrill in his voice.

"Brought you stuff!" you excitedly hold up the things in your hand as the staff member comes to a halt.

"Chan-ssi, you know this woman?" she questions, accusatory with a finger pointed to you. Chan simply chuckles and gently takes the brim of your cap and slide it off your head with utmost care, "She's my girlfriend Kim-ssi, it's all good," he smiles as she drops her jaw in shock.

In all fairness you DID look like a stalker with the cap on.

"Oh my... I'm terribly sorry," she bows before you laugh and wave your hand to dismiss it, "It's alright. I hope you have a good day," you bid before Chan lets you in the studio. "What do I owe the visit to baby? This is such a surprise!" he beams and gives you a bone crushing hug.

"Well that's the goal!" you giddily hug back, relishing in his warmth and scent. You close your eyes, absolutely enamored by his presence.

"Seems like you needed some boyfriend time, yeah?"

"Nuh-uh, other way around," you jokingly frown and scrunch your brows while pulling away from the hug, "You need girlfriend time," you point at his chest before turning to the food you brought, "And something for your stomach,"

He couldn't help but smile fondly at the array of things laid on his table, "Really, thank you baby, I appreciate it so much,"

"I know," you giggle and reach out for his cheeks, cupping them before pressing a sweet kiss on his lips, slow and relishing, "Now go eat first so that I can kiss you silly,"

"Channie!" you shoot off the couch as he jolts up in shock, taking off his earphones before humming and looking at you with concern-laced eyes. But once he sees the excitement on your face, he smiles and chuckles at the message.

"Well," he huffs in amusement, "Finally some of them decided to move,"

"Wanna go out for a walk?" he suggests.

You hum, entertaining the idea before your eyes flit back to the screen of your computer, the spliced chords only staring back at you in ridicule as you hit a very hard slump.

Without any hint of a lie; the recent Dispatch article did pressure you a bit to work harder on your own group's next comeback because you had to have some sort of fallback from all the backlash you were getting. The hate was still relatively tame, but you knew it was going to double over once the real announcement was made.

So yes, you did want to go out for a walk, but you also wanted to keep your ass planted to your chair. You look to Chan who was patiently waiting for your response, miraculously out of his studio and instead stuck in yours. "I think I'll...pass first Channie I gotta get this down first," you mumble against your frown before facing the equipment once more. "I've been watching you for the past two hours," he sighs and takes both arm rests of the swivel chair, pulling it towards him before gently lifting your chin towards his direction—so that you two were eye to eye.

You found, as the relationship progressed, that both yours and Chan's eyes were so expressive, so vulnerable, and it became a reoccurring habit to just look into them with all intent and you'd find the secrets of the world laid inside. Your world, at east.

"What's bothering you?"

"I..." you hesitate, making you sigh and roll your eyes in self-ridicule, "I guess I'm just bracing myself for the fall, is all," you shrug, "I really wanna do it, I'm just a bit scared that if I don't do good on the next album they'd find another way to dogpile on me once our relationship gets out,"

Chan frowns, moving his hands from your chin to your hands, gently ushering you to stand before he guides your legs up against his' so that you're facing him directly, lips so close you could almost taste the Carmex off it. "I'm not about to tell you that you could call it off because you'd punch me," he jokes a bit before caressing the skin on the lower part of your cheek, "But honey I hope you don't start beating yourself up over this, alright? You aren't alone in this," he reassures, almost begs for you to believe in his words. To believe in him.

And you do. You really, really do.

"You'll always have me by your side. If they dogpile on you then I'll do my best to defend you from that," he presses a slight peck on your lips, "I promise,"

A feeling of warmth radiates in your chest, a small yet genuine smile finally making onto your face. The burden on your shoulder wasn't completely gone and washed off, but the assurance of a safety net, of someone to go home too was definitely helping lighten the load. You wanted to say so much, and none of the words were properly coordinating in your head so instead, you just take his hands and push down.

Your lips slot together, properly this time, while your arms find their way around his neck. You both stay pressed, stay so close while your tongues slip and lock together. The warmth of his lips are heavenly against yours, the velvety feel paired with his slick and delectable tongue—you were hooked.

His hands remain steady on your cheeks, calloused thumb gently running on your jaw before both of you have to break away for air. "Thank you, Channie," you manage to breathlessly state as he chuckles and nods, "Now...for that walk?"

Groaning, you throw your head back in exasperation, his hands now on your back to prevent you from falling out of the cramped chair, "Oh come on," you whine before he chuckles.

"Air would do your brain good baby,"

You gasp in feigned disbelief, "Are you implying my brain isn't functioning?!"

"Exactly," he cheekily smiles, "You wanted to do your best didn't you? Go on a walk with me,"

"Ulterior motives are never gone unnoticed you sly fox," you roll your eyes but ultimately concede and get off the chair, immediately grabbing his jacket which was hanging off from the swivel chair.

"Hey," he scolds with no bite to his tone, an amused smile permanently etched on his face, "That's my jacket,"

"Then freeze," you stick your tongue out, childish and petty before he shakes his head, pulling out the extra hoodie he has brought for yourself and slots his fingers through your's, walking hand in hand as the both of you leave the warm comfort of the studio.

"Y/N-ssi," a voice startles you as you jolt up in shock and see a figure emerge from the shadowy corner of the parking lot. "Who the hell are you," your voice doesn't waver in question, ready to set off the staff-specific alarm that could reach the security headquarters of the company.

"Calm down, miss idol, I'm just a journalist," he raises his hands in surrender as he approaches you, while you take a step back in each step he takes forward. "Stay there," you command. "What do you want?" you speak loudly, the distance between you a bit far but not enough to provide you with peace of mind.

He reaches into his pocket and brings out a few pictures, sliding it towards you making it skid on the floor, landing by your foot as you hesitantly look down not even bothering to pick it up. Your heart races a bit. It was quite the picture, and you aren't sure where the hell it was taken but you knew when. "I suppose you can connect that I know who your speculated male idol "friend" is," he starts to speak as you hold the urge to roll your eyes.

"And what exactly are you going to do with this information?" you challenge, raising a brow at him, "Oh the ususal, make sure all of Korea know that you're dating the one and only Bang Chan," he chuckles, "Imagine the noise that'll make,"

'Bingo,' pops into your head, almost unable to hold back your smile. "Go ahead," you shrug, "Let's see who'll be the villains of their stories," you turn your heel to leave the pictures on the floor, rushing to your car as he stands there very speechlessly, dumbfounded to what just happened.

You had faith in your fans. In STAY. And those who would do otherwise weren't fans of yours, nor of Chan's. It'll all be alright, you keep repeating to yourself.

Right after you get the fuck out of the parking lot. You've got some news to tell Chan.

"What?! Did he hurt you?!" his concerned voice rings through your ears as you sigh and lean your arms against the balcony of your apartment, "I'm fine baby, I promise," you assure him, "In hindsight I knew that was dangerous but I lucked out,"

"Lucked out?! You could've called me! Or anyone!"

"I'm fine now Chan, I promise," you run your fingers through your hair, "Although it seems like our number one concern here is when the news would be released,"

Seemingly taking a moment to recollect his bearings, you patiently wait for his response, "Alright, hit me with it,"

"I think he was about to ask me for money, I told him to go on ahead and release the picture," you nervously gnaw on your lower lip, "Should...should we start telling the company heads?"

"We definitely should baby, this is such crucial information," he says with his "leader voice" as you called it—ever so reliable and ever so stern—"And what's more crucial is the fact that you got into a paparazzi altercation alone,"

"Alright, alright, I'll tell them that too," you groan with slight annoyance. Chan loved to dote on you, was overly protective, and the fact that he had a point wasn't sitting well with you given your already prominent anxieties. "I'm not trying to nag! I'm just concerned over the welfare and safety of my girlfriend is that so much to see to?"

"Of course not," your pitch goes a bit higher, a bit whiny. "Of course not, I know you aren't trying to nag," you reiterate a little bit softly now, not wanting to fight with Chan over this.

It seems to placate him too, "Okay, I'll let it go for now too. What matters is that you're safe," he matches your soft tone, "But for the love of god don't ever do that again,"

"Yes, Christopher, I won't," you promise, no ounce of sarcasm or spite in your tone.

"Are you worried?" he asks. And you take a moment to answer. "Yes..."

"Okay. Okay, I'll be right there after my schedules," he in turn also promises, a sigh of relief escaping you because you were starting to get jittery over everything, "I'll have to go. I'll see you later baby,"

"Bye babe," you bid, "I love you,"

"I love you too, my baby,"

"Something tells me you wanted to do it to terrorize Dispatch," you chuck your phone to the side and smile at Chan who simply shrugs his shoulder with a sly smile, "Maybe they'd hate to have us after all,"

"I highly doubt they'd leave us alone," you crawl up the bed and plop yourself down on top of his body, garnering a grunt from the man. "They never really did, haven't they,"

"More on you, less on me baby," he presses his lips together before looking down at you, "Which in itself, is regrettable,"

"You get used to it," you hum and close your eyes, relishing in the warmth of his bare torso, "Thank you, Chris," you start as he hums and starts running his fingers through your hair. "Whatever for baby?"

"Everything," you simply state, opening your eyes again only to see the most sickening, fondest look from Chan. You could feel yourself getting emotional, heartstrings tugged and torn off your chest as the lump in your throat grow heavier. And suddenly you're crying.

"Y/N?" Chan worriedly sits up and wipes off your tears before pressing you further into his body, head cradled in his hand while he soothingly rubs your shoulder on the other, "What's wrong my love why are you crying?" he panics before you let out a wet chuckle, "I'm sorry, I just got...I dunno," you wipe your tears away with a slight feeling of sheepishness in your veins. "I guess I got too happy, like the anxiety from the past 3 months are just starting to go away," you explain to him as a relieved breath escapes him.

"That's good, isn't it?"

"Very," you look up at him with teary and shiny eyes, hoping that all the love threatening to burst at the seams inside you would translate to how you look. And you have a feeling that it does because he gently raises your jaw towards him and presses a tender kiss on your lips, immediately slipping his tongue for entrance as you gladly let him in.

It's short, curt, yet continuous kisses. Departing every half a second only to dive back down, deliciously loving and sweet as both of your breathings fall in sync against the silence of his room, orange and yellow hues from his lights dancing around dimly. It wasn't as magical, but it was comforting, and it was home.

"I love you so much Y/N," he proclaims in a whisper against your lips, like a secret vow as you hum and give him another short peck. "I love you most, Christopher,"

"Nuh-uh,"

"Fuck you mean nuh-uh," you laugh before leaning your head against his shoulder, a sigh of relief and decompression punched out of you. "Comeback season would be so different now,"

"Mhm," he keeps his gentle touches on your shoulder going, rubbing lightly, "The questions about you that I'd love to answer," he grins to himself making you giggle like a giddy school girl.

You both knew there were more of the invasive and inappropriate questions but hey, being an idol is fun when the people around you aren't assholes. Just like a normal 9 to 5.

"Oh the birthday stories I've been waiting to post," you tease, holding up his stash of less flattering pictures over his head as he rolls his eyes, "Oh two can play,"

"I'm photogenic I slay every angle," you retort. "You didn't date me for nothing,"

"Ah boo," he lazily responds before turning to you, "By the way, what if like, magazine outlets start to contact us?"

"Maybe let's wait another year to do activities together," you suggest, "More suspenseful that way,"

"True,"

You prop your hand up his chest and lay on your stomach, facing him, "But If you had to choose which outlet, what would it be?"

"The Korea Herald," he replies before you snort out a laugh, "I guess the Chan is 5 years older, here's what it does to their relationship articles aren't wrong,"

Looking at you scandalized he pinches your side making you let out a yelp. "I'm not that old! I'm just saying it's more reliable than Dispatch!"

"Sure old man," you roll your eyes at him, "I'd wanna do one with Bazaar,"

"With the photoshoot and everything?"

"Hey it isn't so bad to shoot high for power couple status,"

"Are you implying we aren't a power couple now?"

The cameras flash against your eyes as you flinch a bit, about to put a hand over your eyes but Chan beats you to it, one hand over your shades and another on the brim of his cap. The reporters are shouting their questions at you, a little bit overwhelming and deafening but sure as hell your guards are letting them get a little too close.

"Suyin-ah! Does it bother you that Bang Chan is 5 years older?"

"Suyin-ah, if you've been dating for long aren't you guys tired?"

"Bang Chan-ah, out of all the pretty girls in your company why go for LLCE?"

"Bang Chan! Was Baby written for Suyin-ah?"

All invasive, nothing ever good. A grunt escapes you as Chan holds you closer looking down at you in concern while the guards try to make way for the both of you, "You alright there?"

"Never been better," you grimace with sarcasm before hearing a question that piques your interest, partly moving away from Chan to seek out the person who threw that question. "Suyin-ah, don't you think dating as a K-Pop idol is hopeless?"

You reach out, one of the security personnel doing you a favor to hand you the small mic of the journalist before pressing it near to your face, "I don't think so. Because at the end of the day Chan and I love our fans just the same, sharing our personal lives won't change that," you reason out, "Both of us would still continue to make music for our fans and cherish them all," you answer, short and profound before you could hear Chan's voice call out to you, finally able to form a path towards your building.

"Honey! Are you coming?" he shouts through the shouting crowds of reporters. You immediately step back, hurriedly heading to his direction, slipping your hands together before walking into the company hand in hand.

"What'd you say?" he questions once the glass doors close. You strip off your mask and beam up at him cheekily, "You'll see,"

i took the liberty of giving Y/N a stage name for the sake of making the tweets a bit more comprehensive. Suyin is derived from S/N, which is stage name. i just added a few more letters to it.

#skz #skz scenarios #skz bang chan #stray kids #bang chan #bang chan x reader #bang chan fluff #idol!reader #bang chan x you #bang chan imagines #stray kids imagines #christopher bang #chan x reader #bang chan x y/n #skz smau #stray kids smau

[absurdthirst]

The Baby Blues {Marcus Pike x F!Reader}

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 10.1k

Warnings: Postpartum depression, feelings of failure, anger, miscommunication, avoidance, words spoken in anger, angst, tears, oral sex (female receiving), vaginal sex, making up

Comments: Marcus Pike finally has it all; a wife that he loves, a beautiful baby girl, but it isn't the fairy tale life he imagined. He's over his head and all he wants is to fix things. But before they can get better they have to get worse, right?

Co-written with @storiesofthefandomlovers

**Follow @absurdthirst-writes and turn on notifications to stay up to date on all new fics.

|| MasterList || Marcus Pike MasterList ||

Click Keep Reading only if you have read the Rating and Warnings and understand the warnings may not be complete to avoid listing spoilers. As AO3 says 'creator chooses not to use warnings'. You also agree that you're the right age to be consuming anything here.

Marcus rubs his cheek, glancing down at his cell phone, your beautiful face popping up on the screen. The professional photos you took just after you gave birth to his daughter were perfect and he decided to use them as his home screen and your contact photo. He finally has what he always wanted: a family. A gorgeous wife and a beautiful daughter complete him but when he sees your call, he feels so guilty because he doesn't want to answer. It takes him a while but he eventually answers that call. "Hey baby." He musters up a lighter tone, immediately wincing at the crying baby in the background. 

"Hey. Can you pick up some formula on your way home?" You ask, not greeting him lovingly, just getting straight to business.

Marcus grunts and it annoys you. You ask for one simple thing and he has to mull it over like he’s deciding on a new car. Your head throbs when the baby screams again, making tears spring up in your eyes and again you feel like the worst mother ever. “Never mind.” You blow out, your tone annoyed. “I’ll just order some to be delivered.” You reach for your crying daughter and pick her up, jostling her slightly in your arms to try to soothe her. “Let me guess, you’re working late again?”

Marcus sighs, knowing he should go home but he has found himself "working late" a lot since Grace was born. It's been difficult. You've struggled and he knows he could help you more but the luster of getting what he always wanted has worn off. With a grunt, he faces reality, knowing he needs to go home and see his family.

You huff when he doesn’t speak. “Wow.” You give an unamused chuckle and shake your head, the baby fussing and crying even louder. “You can’t even give me an answer?” Your nerves are frayed, you’re exhausted and you need Grace to go down for a nap so you can take a shower by yourself for once this week. “I’ve got to go.” You hang up your phone without saying goodbye, annoyed that the man that had promised you the moon couldn’t even talk to you anymore.

Marcus feels guilty, of course he does, but he also feels exhausted. Both physically and emotionally. This isn’t what he imagined when he dreamed about having a family. He knew it would be hard but this is more than he can handle. He’s completely lost you. You are always tired and upset at him. He misses his wife. You are always pissed at him and at first he figured you were a new mom and he tried to help but you pushed him away.

****

Closing the door on the nursery, you sigh. It took two hours to get the baby down for a nap. Now you have to order formula and diapers, because you discovered Marcus bought three wrong sizes last time. You feel overwhelmed, all of the house and the baby’s needs falling on you. It seems that Marcus comes home only to sleep, and while you wanted to be a stay at home mom for the first few years, you hadn’t expected to feel so alone. He didn’t help with anything anymore. You almost cried when you woke up and he had left his coffee mug in the sink - dirty - on clean bottles.

Marcus is at a loss. He wants to fix this. Wants you to be happy and healthy and he can’t keep working late. He’s already months ahead on paperwork and he’s running out of things to do. He has to go home and talk this out with you. He pulls onto the driveway, cutting the engine and inhaling deeply, knowing he has to go inside and face the music. He opens the front door, listening for where you are. “Baby. I’m home.” He announces.

You groan quietly. After starting a load of clothes and the dishwasher, you had taken a shower. Wrapped up in your overly large towel, the urge to lay down for a few minutes was overwhelming, prompting you to not even get dressed. Sprawling on your bed, you stir, hearing Marcus but not waking up because the baby had kept waking up last night and he couldn’t sit with her because he had to work.

He walks into the bedroom to find you laying on the bed. The guilt threatens to overwhelm him again, the fact that you are exhausted and he just can't seem to help. When he hears Grace cry at night, he just lays there, listening to you get up while he pretends to be asleep. He doesn't know what is wrong with him but he just lets you do it. He should get up but after you told him he was feeding her incorrectly and didn't put her diaper on her tight enough, he gave up. He can't seem to do anything right. "Is, uh, is there anything to eat?" He asks, knowing he will probably have to order take out again.

Frowning, you open your eyes, blearily staring up at your husband. Is he fucking serious? “Hey honey, how was your day with the baby?” You asked sarcastically as you sit up and shuffle towards the edge of the bed. “I brought home the formula you asked for and I remembered that I bought the wrong diapers so I picked them up too.” Your conversation with yourself on what your husband should have said in a venomous tone. You roll your eyes and stand up, angry that for once he couldn’t just fucking do something to help you. “I’ll go make your goddamn dinner.” You snap before you stomp out of the room.

Marcus sighs, he's fucked up again. It's obvious that you hate him now and even doing the things you want, he can't seem to get them right. He follows you into the living room. "I didn't ask you to make my dinner. I just - I wondered if you had gotten anything or made anything because if not, I will order something in. I don't expect you to make my dinner. I just - fuck. Why is everything I do wrong?" He shouts, unable to stop himself.

You hiss when the baby squawks over the monitor, turning around and glaring at him while you wait a few moments to see if Grace is going to start crying. When she doesn’t, you shake your head. “I don’t know, Marcus. Why do you expect me to take care of everything around the house and everything to do with our daughter?” You ask, ready to shout yourself, but you can’t risk waking the baby up. “For someone who wanted a family so badly, you practically live at your office. The only conversation we’ve had this week is if I picked up the dry cleaning!”

Marcus shakes his head, slapping his hands on the kitchen counter in frustration. “I ask you if I can help and when I do, I end up getting the wrong thing or doing it wrong. I can’t do anything right and I- I’m so sick of it. You just - you want to be this wonder woman and do everything yourself and I don’t know how to handle that. I don’t know what you want from me.” He admits, choking up as he realizes he has failed but you haven’t let him help.

“I want you to try!” You cry out, pointing at the sink. “You helping is you not pouring your fucking coffee out on all the bottles I scrubbed while you were at work!” You sigh and shake your head. “I show you how to do something and you insist you know better and then Grace shits all the way up her back.”

Marcus knows he has made mistakes but so have you. Grace is your first child as well as his and neither of you had experience with babies before having her. “I- I don’t know what to do. It feels like there’s this big canyon between us and I can’t cross it. You won’t let me. You do everything yourself and won’t let me help so I learn how to do things. I don’t feel like your husband anymore, I feel like your roommate.”

“Maybe that’s because you are never here.” You huff. “This is the first time you’ve been home before dark in months.” It hurts that he doesn’t try, that he doesn’t even want you. “It’s not like you even want to be here.” You choke back a wave of emotions. “Day of my doctor’s appointment I fell asleep waiting for you to come home.”

Marcus frowns, wondering what you mean until he realizes that you mean your six week check up. “Shit.” He hisses, rubbing his cheek. “I’m so sorry.” He chokes, “I’m so sorry. I- it’s been so hard. I feel like I’ve lost you to Grace and I shouldn’t feel like that but I do and I- I don’t know how to fix us. Tell me what to do.”

“I don’t know.” You shouldn’t have to tell him. Things were so easy between you two before, even up until the birth. After his paternity leave was up is when the divide started. “It has to be what you want, not just what I tell you to do.”

Marcus is at a loss for several moments until it hits him. “I want us to go out on a date night. Just the two of us. Let my mom babysit Grace. We need some time for ourselves and to talk.” Marcus offers, needing to try and fix this.

You don’t want to go out, if you’re honest with yourself. You want to maybe soak in a bath with a bottle of wine and sleep for twelve hours, but you appreciate the fact that Marcus wants to spend time with you. Despite the fact that you are nervous about someone, anyone, watching your baby. You bite your lip and nod. “I- okay.” You agree hesitantly. “When do you want to go?”

“Tomorrow night. I already talked to my mom on the way home and she said she can come over anytime to babysit. She wants to spend time with her grandbaby. I want us to dress up and remember who we were.” Marcus tells you, determined to fix this. He never walks away and he won’t, he wants to be married to you, he wants to be a good father.

“Alright.” You nod and give a small sigh. “Let me put some clothes on and I’ll figure out dinner tonight.” You offer, feeling a little bad for snapping at him. “Maybe- if Grace wakes up, would you get her?”

Marcus nods, grateful that you are open to this. It makes him motivated to make this work. “I can, uh, I can order takeout. You want Chinese?” He offers, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He can see how exhausted you are and he wants to try and help.

“Sure.” Grace gives a whine through the monitor and you sigh. “I’ll change her while you order.” You turn and walk towards the bedroom, wishing you had at least ten minutes of sleep before Marcus had woken you up to basically fight.

Marcus makes quick work of ordering the food, knowing exactly what you want but he forgets those little spring rolls you like that you craved during your pregnancy. After ordering the food, he decides to change and relax a little, see if he can step in to help with Grace instead of you doing everything.

You coo to Grace, trying to keep her happy while you change her wet diaper and put a fresh one on her. “You want a bottle, pretty girl?” You try not to be frantic with her, not wanting to take your bad mood out on her. “Get you all fed, and daddy’s home. You get to see him.” You’re still in your towel, because getting to her is more important than dressing. You turn to see Marcus walk past you towards the bedroom and you sigh to yourself.

Marcus showers and changes, coming out of the bedroom to find you rocking Grace while still in your towel. “Come on baby, let me take her. Go get changed. The food will be here soon.” He offers, holding out his arms for his daughter. “I can feed her if you want.” He wants to try and make this work.

You transfer the baby to Marcus. “Make sure to test her bottle on your wrist, the microwave has been heating them a little too hot.” You advise him. “Heat it up for one minute and let it sit for about thirty seconds. And make sure you put a spit rag under her chin, she’s been spitting a lot of it up.”

He nods, carrying Grace to the kitchen so he can hold her in one arm and prepare her bottle. Pouring the infant water into it before he scoops out the formula, struggling but managing to put the lid on them popping it in the microwave. “We got this baby girl.” He coos, rocking her and she starts to cry. “Sshhh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” He murmurs, taking the bottle out and checking it on his wrist. He forgets to put the rag under her chin and within moments of her gulping down the milk, she pushes the bottle out of her mouth and spits up.

You dress in clean leggings and a t-shirt, about as fancy as you’ve gotten for the past few months since she’s been born. Coming back into the living room, you groan to yourself when you see her chin and the front of her sleeper covered with milk. “The spit rag, Marcus.” You huff, grabbing one out of the basket next to the couch. “She’ll get a rash.”

Marcus sighs, knowing he’s fucked up again. He always imagined that he’d be a good dad since he always wanted a family but it seems he can’t even do this simple task to look after his daughter. You tut and grab the rag, holding your arms out and he sighs as he slides her into your arms, handing you the bottle once you have her situated.

“I’ll have to bathe her.” You sigh, popping the bottle back into her mouth and rocking her as you feed her. “Her skin is sensitive and even wiping her down with a wipe doesn’t help. It’s why I said you needed a rag.” You aren’t trying to harp on Marcus, but this is why you don’t let him do things. It ends up being more work for you. Grace gurgles and smiles around the nipple and you try to relax. Once again, you were going to eat dinner after it was cold because of having to fix Marcus’s mistake. 

Marcus rubs his cheek while he leans against the kitchen counter, watching you and he notices how truly exhausted you look. He opens his mouth to tell you he’s sorry for not doing the right thing when the doorbell rings. He swallows harshly and makes his way to the front door, paying for the food before he brings it into the kitchen. “Do you, uh, want me to give her a bath while you eat?”

“No.” You shake your head and bite your lip to resist the urge to shout at him that he hasn’t bathed her in months. “I’ll take care of it.” You sigh, standing up and looking at the bags. “Eat your dinner while it’s hot.” Grace pushes the bottle out of her mouth and spits up a little before giving a loud belch, without even being burped. “I know you were hungry.” You walk out of the kitchen with the baby and towards her bathroom,

The canyon between you seems to grow larger with every step you take towards Grace’s bathroom and he’s determined to fix this, to treat you and Grace right, how you should be treated. He serves up his food, sitting by himself as he eats and listens to you coo to Grace across the house.

Bath time is an event. With her sensitive skin you have to be very careful that she is completely clean and dry before you start to dress her in a new diaper and sleeper. Months of being the only one doing it has developed a routine and soon she is giving you sleepy smiles and yawning. “You’re already ready for bed?” You hum softly, sitting down and starting to rock her in the nursery. Your food is just getting colder but you need to make sure she’s down first. Her needs are most important. “Are you going to sleep for me tonight?” You ask. “Mama’s tired too, sweet girl.”

Marcus rubs his hands together, unsure of what you need right now while you put Grace to bed. It’s almost like he’s not needed, he just makes things harder for you and that destroys him. He looks over to your wedding photos on the side table and he misses those people. He misses how easy things used to be between you. Now, you seem like a stranger.

Finally, finally you close the door to her nursery. The mobile is playing quietly and the soft light from the night light bathes the room in stars and fireflies. The monitor is on and you turn to head back to the kitchen. Your stomach is growling and you can’t wait to have a spring roll. Marcus is on the couch when you walk by and you wish that he would say something, but he seems lost in thought. Grabbing a plate, you start piling the food on, frowning when you see his favorite crab rangoons, but no spring rolls. “Hey, uh, where are the spring rolls?” You ask, wondering if he took them out to the living room.

Marcus curses under his breath, unable to believe he forgot your spring rolls. Christ, you must hate him. He stands, making his way into the kitchen. “Baby…I’m so sorry,” He chokes, feeling terrible for forgetting your favorite thing.

Your shoulders slump and it’s so stupid, but tears build up in your eyes. The thing that Marcus knows you love - he forgets. He’s joked that all he should buy you is spring rolls plenty of times. You wipe away the tears, back turned to Marcus as you start to put the food on the plate back into the containers. “I- I’m not hungry.” You decide, hurt that he couldn’t even think of you a little. He made sure he got what he wanted but you just got cold Chinese that was his favorite. “I’m going to go to bed.” You throw the plate in the dishwasher and turn around to see him watching you in confusion. “She’ll be up in a couple of hours and I should sleep while I can.”

He watches you go, feeling helpless and guilty. Where did this all go so wrong? He plans to fix it. He has to. He hopes that treating you to a nice dinner tomorrow and giving you a night out will help you talk to him and give you back a piece of yourself that has been missing since Grace was born. "I'm sorry." He whispers as you walk away. After putting the food away, he sits down on the sofa, deciding to sleep out here and give you some space.

****

You discover your husband on the couch when you come to the kitchen to make Grace’s bottle at two in the morning. Nearly screaming when you see the lump on the couch before you see his face. He had decided to sleep out there rather than come to bed with you. The fact makes your eyes close and you take a deep breath. 

You two had rarely slept apart before Grace, unless he was out of town - or you were at your old job. If you two were upset at one another, it was cuddling and kisses even if you weren’t the most receptive. Just the reminder that he was there when you were ready. It feels like him snoring softly on the couch symbolizes the shift in your relationship. Biting your lip, you turn off the kitchen light and while through the dark to your daughter’s room.

When Marcus wakes up, his back is aching from sleeping on the sofa and he feels so alone. He knows he only has himself to blame for sleeping on the sofa but you seem so far away. Marcus groans, getting up and making his way to the bathroom to get ready for work. He knows he needs to work on your marriage and so when he sees you sitting on the bed, he walks over and kisses your forehead. "Morning sweetheart." He murmurs before he heads into the bathroom.

The kiss both makes your heart flutter and pisses you off because he acts like he didn’t just sleep on the couch. You huff in disbelief before you decide that you aren’t going to cry again like you did last night. You’re starving and Grace will be up soon. Still, you sit there in bed for a moment and listen as the shower starts.

Marcus frowns when he comes into the kitchen and sees you sitting at the kitchen table, barely eating the cereal you prepared. "You're not hungry? You didn't eat last night." He is concerned about you and he wants you to talk to him.

You give a small shrug, not really wanting to talk about food. “I’m fine.” You had started to wonder if the reason he didn’t touch you anymore was because you hadn’t lost the baby weight. Especially because you had clearly heard him jerking off in the shower when you had been laying in bed. He hadn’t been quiet about it.

Marcus frowns, knowing that’s not true. He wants to sit down and talk but he doesn’t have the time. He sighs, making his coffee to put it in the travel cup. “My mom called me this morning. She can come over at 6 to look after Grace so we can go out for dinner. I booked Maggie’s, I thought we would have a nice steak dinner like we used to and we can talk.”

There’s something so ominous about him wanting to talk that you almost burst into tears. Even if he mentioned wanting to fix things, maybe he changed his mind and is going to tell you he wants a divorce. “O-okay.” You murmur, unsure of what to say now. He’s leaning against the counter and watching you, “I’ll make sure I’m ready.”

“Good. I, uh, I gotta get to work but I will be back on time so I can shower and get changed.” He steps closer, leaning down to drop a kiss on the top of your head then he grabs his coffee cup and makes his way out to his car, ready to go to work. He wants to work this out with you. He’s certain this is just a bump and you are out of sync. Hopefully this dinner will be the turning point.

****

Six o’clock comes and you are nowhere near ready. Grace has been fussy and running a fever all day, making you hold her practically the entire time as you tried to get everything done. You’re frazzled and worried although the children Tylenol seemed to be helping and when your mother-in-law knocks on the door, you haven’t even written out your instructions for her, making you feel even more overwhelmed.

Marcus comes home later than he wanted because of a new case and he curses when he sees his mom is already there. When he walks in, he finds you still in leggings and telling his mom about what time Grace goes to bed. “Hey ma.” He kisses his mom on the cheek in greeting before he looks at you. “You’re not ready.” He frowns, figuring you would be waiting on him.

His mom sighs, “she has been telling me about what to do. I know what I'm doing honey and I know you will worry regardless but we will be fine. Won’t we Gracie?” She coos to her granddaughter. “Go and get ready. You both deserve a night off.”

You don’t like the way that his mother is blowing off your instructions like it’s something unimportant but you feel Marcus’s expectant eyes on you. “I’ll be ready in ten minutes.” You promise as you walk toward the bathroom.

Marcus sighs as you close the door and he turns towards his mom. “I - I don’t know what to do. How to fix this. She just seems to hate me and I - Mom, I can’t lose her.” He chokes, knowing it would break his heart but he feels like he’s drowning. 

“Just talk to her. Tell her how you feel and most of all, listen to her. She’s clearly stressed and she needs her husband to be there for her.” She advises, looking down at her granddaughter in her arms. 

Your dress is a maternity dress and you hate that nothing in your closet from before Grace’s birth fits. It makes you feel frumpy and disgusting even though you know that you shouldn’t expect your body to bounce back immediately. Still, you put on makeup and do your hair, feeling somewhat put together for the first time in months. 

Marcus appears a few moments later from the second bathroom dressed and freshly shaved to get rid of the five o clock shadow and his eyes widen at the sight of you. “Beautiful. God, you look beautiful.” He murmurs, walking over to kiss your cheek. 

His mother appears, holding Grace a few moments later, “you guys ready? Me and the little lady here are ready for girls night.”

You fret slightly but you nod. “Call me if anything happens.” You insist. “She’s just had another dose of Tylenol at five thirty and her temperature did come down.” You murmur, reaching over and checking the baby’s forehead with the back of your hand. She’s cooler to the touch, so you aren’t insisting you and Marcus stay home.

“She will be fine. I’ll call if there is anything to worry about and I’ll text you updates.” She promises and Marcus smiles at his mom before he guides you out of the living room and the house. He opens the car door, helping you in and he is nervous. Almost like this is a first date.

You wait for him to get into the car but sit quietly, checking your phone to make sure that the ringer is on and the volume up. Not wanting to miss a call if you get one. “Ready?” Marcus asks as he climbs behind the wheel and starts the engine. 

“Yeah.” You try to give him a smile, but you feel nervous about being away from the baby. It will be the first time since she came home from the hospital.

Marcus turns on the radio, hoping the background noise will help as he drives towards what used to be your favorite restaurant. “How was your day?” He asks, a little awkward and it kills him.

“It was rough.” You admit. “Grace woke up running a fever and she’s been cranky and needy all day.” You don’t even want to mention the horrible diaper changes. Her stomach was upset by the Tylenol. “I had to use that swaddle thing your sister got us to carry her around with me while I tried to get her bottles washed and made up for tonight so all you mom had to do is heat them.”

Marcus wishes he could help but he has to work and when he gets home, he’s so worked up from the cases, he needs to relax.  When he does try to help, he always does it wrong. He can’t win. “My mom will make sure she’s okay. Just relax, baby. Enjoy tonight.” He wants to reach for your hand but you seem like you’re an ocean apart.

You look out the window and roll your eyes. Of course he thinks it’s easy, he’s never home with either of you. Disconnected, and you wonder if he regrets having a baby with you, or if he regrets the entire thing. He acts like he does. “Oh shit.” You huff and open your phone to text your mother in law. “I forgot to tell her that the butt cream is almost out and there is another tub in the linen closet.”

Marcus wants to roll his eyes but refrains. He is happy that Grace is your priority but you haven’t even talked to him properly since she was born. It feels like he might as well not be there. He watches you text the entire drive to the restaurant and he sighs when he gets out of the car, walking around to open your door.

You get out and adjust your dress, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Your dress feels wrong, tighter than normal even though it was one of your first maternity dresses you bought. Maybe it is just in your head. You let Marcus guide you into the restaurant and he leans down to whisper in your ear. “We’ll get that bottle of Cabernet that you love.” You hate Cabernet, always have and you can’t convince Marcus that you do.

When you are seated at your table, Marcus proudly orders the bottle of wine, a smile on his lips as he admires how beautiful you look. You’re always beautiful to him, even when you are busy looking after Grace. You are gorgeous. “Are you hungry, babe?” He asks, opening the menu.

“I guess I am.” You hadn’t eaten beyond the bowl of cereal today. “I didn’t get a chance to really have lunch today.” You open your own menu and look at the options when your phone buzzes and you immediately grab it, worried that it might be about Grace.

Marcus sighs, looking down at the menu. “Was that my mom?” He asks and looks up to see you with tears in your eyes. 

“Yeah. She sent a photo of Grace in her rocker and I- I miss her.” You choke out and Marcus reaches across the table to hold your free hand. 

“Baby, I understand but we need time to talk. We need this.” He murmurs softly.

No, he doesn’t understand. He’s away from Grace more than he’s with her. “Right.” You nod. “What do you want to talk about?” You are dreading it slightly because he’s stopped talking about his day with you or really talking about anything. Most nights for you are exhausted silence and he comes in right before you go to sleep.

“This. Us.” He gestures between you with his free hand. “We are going to crash and burn and we need to talk about what we can do to change that because we can’t go on like this. I feel like we aren’t together. We live separate lives and I feel like you hate me. Everything I do is wrong and I miss my wife. I miss who you used to be.”

“Who I used to be.” You stare at him for a moment before you pull your hand out of his. “Who might that be?” You ask quietly. Apparently everything is your fault in his eyes.

“My wife. The woman who was excited to go and do stuff. Who always wanted to have a good time and not this. You act like you hate me. You always tell me I’m doing everything wrong and I- I don’t know how to fix this. Tell me how to fix this.”

You snort and shake your head. “You’re never home, Marcus! How should I act?” You hiss, trying not to cause a scene but you are frustrated too. “You can’t be bothered to get the formula I need or when you do begrudgingly stop by the store, you buy diapers that will fit our daughter in two years!” You huff. “You just checked out after you went back to work.”

Marcus shakes his head back at you, “I don’t know what I’m doing. I - I try and you don’t tell me specifically what you need so I just - I end up fucking up every time because you don’t give me specifics. I feel like I live with a ghost. You only care about Grace and neglect yourself. You don’t eat or forget to. You don’t shower. I’m worried.”

“I shouldn’t have to tell you that I need you to help with the laundry, or around the house. But again, you aren’t home.” You cross your arms over your chest and try not to get emotional. “You barely even look at me or ask if you can help and when I do ask you to do something, you just stammer and stall until I do it myself.” You blow out a breath. “You’re so worried that you jerk off in the shower and sleep on the couch.”

Marcus is hot with guilt, not realizing you knew about that. He has been jerking off in the shower because he never imagined you’d want him touching you when you obviously hate him right now. “I didn’t - I was giving you space. I didn’t want to push you or make you think you were obligated. I miss you. I miss us.” He chokes.

You scoff again and frown at him. “You miss ‘us’ so much that you avoid being home as much as possible and never actually think about me.” Your eyes water slightly. “I had a husband who promised me that he was going to be with me every step of the way and I’ve been doing everything on my own. Then you complain that I’m not myself.” You take a deep breath. “Wonder why that is?”

Marcus frowns, “you never talk to me. I tried. I tried when Grace was born but you wanted to do everything by yourself and I tried to help but everything was wrong so I just - I gave up.” He admits, “I stay at work because I don’t want to come home and fuck up and upset you.”

“Yeah, you gave up.” You look away for a moment, watching the waiter come back with the bottle of Cabernet. “And you decided that everything - even the things you normally did - would be my responsibility and you don’t even think about anyone but yourself.” You wait until the waiter has poured the wine and left the bottle before you arch a brow at your glass. “Like you not ordering the one damn thing I would want from the Chinese restaurant but you get your favorites or ordering wine you love that I hate.”

Marcus internally curses himself, remembering that you don’t like Cabernet and he forgot the spring rolls. “I- I’m sorry. I should’ve - I should’ve remembered. Do you want something else?” He asks, gesturing to call over the waiter. 

“No. No. I don’t - I just want to go home to Grace.” You confess and Marcus scoffs. 

“You know what? You criticize me, but at least I am here. You are never mentally present, physically yes but you don’t act like we are married. I don’t want or need a roommate. I want a woman who wants to let me in, let me be their husband.” He growls out.

Your chin trembles for a moment, and you blink back some tears. “That’s fine, Marcus.” You murmur after a moment. “Why don’t you go find that perfect woman? I’m obviously not it.” You stand quickly, the legs of the chair scrapping on the floor and you reach for your purse. “Maybe you can find a woman you want to touch, because that’s not been me since Grace was born.”

Marcus watches you rush off, jaw clenched as he calls the waiter over, lying that you don’t feel well as he hands his card over. After leaving a good tip, Marcus makes his way outside to see you leaning against the car. He doesn’t say a word as he unlocks the car and gets into the driver's seat.

The drive home is tense and you can’t even bring yourself to look at Marcus. He keeps deflecting the real issues, you feeling abandoned by him and turning it around on you pushing him away. He doesn’t care, he’s looking for an out so he doesn’t seem like the bad guy and you just gave it to him. You quickly check your phone to see if you have any texts, but there aren’t any, leaving you to stare out the window and try not to cry.

When Marcus pulls onto the driveway, he’s already decided what he needs to do. When he enters the house, leaving you out in the car, he walks straight to the bedroom, ignoring his mom’s call of his name as he grabs a suitcase to pack his things. His marriage is over and it’s killing him inside.

You take a deep breath so you can face his mother without crying, coming into the house and heading straight towards her and Grace. “Is everything okay?” His mom looks worried but you don’t focus on that, relieved to see your daughter again. “You weren’t gone for long.” 

You ease Grace out of her arms and just shake your head. “I- it might be best if you go home.” You admit quietly, unsure if there’s going to be another fight. “Thank you, though.” You would rather there not be witnesses to the end of your marriage.

Marcus is quick, packing his case and carrying it out into the living room. His mom frowns and looks over at you as you cradle Grace, avoiding looking at your husband. "What-" She doesn't get to speak before Marcus does. 

"I am going to stay at my mom's. Give you the space you want." He tells you, setting the case down so he can walk over to you. He bends down to kiss Grace's forehead. "Bye sweetheart. Daddy will - he will see you soon." It kills him to leave but you can't continue like this.

You don’t say anything, stunned that he can so casually make this seem like it’s your fault. Cradling her closer as your husband turns around and walks back to his suitcase without another word. Your mother-in-law looks like she wants to say something but she doesn’t, letting Marcus usher her out the door and within five minutes of being home, you are alone with Grace again.

Marcus grips the steering wheel as he drives his mom home. His dad had dropped her off and he can feel her gaze burning into him, making him sigh. “Can you not lecture me right now?” He begs. 

“Marcus Anthony Pike.” She ignores his plea, “you did not just leave your wife and baby.” She reprimands him and Marcus shakes his head. 

“What can I do? She doesn’t want me.”

“That is not true.” Mallory frowns at her son’s profile. “She loves you. I don’t think you understand how much motherhood changes a woman. She’s got different emotions and probably has a little postpartum depression.” She tuts. “I hope that you’ve been making sure that she’s not overwhelmed.”

"I try to help her ma, but she - she won't let me or if I do help, I do it wrong. I don't know how to help her and I - I miss who she used to be." Marcus feels so guilty. 

Mallory shakes her head. "Baby, she is never going to be who she used to be. She is forever changed. Having a child...you lose a part of yourself. That girl that used to go out and drink and dance? She is gone and in her place is a mother. You mourn who you used to be, when you could do whatever you wanted whenever you wanted, but you would never regret your baby and then you feel guilty for missing that version of yourself."

****

At home, you’re hysterical. You had to lay Grace down in her crib, unable to hold her and not wanting her to pick up on your emotions and be upset. You had managed to lay her down and stumble to the bedroom, curling up with Marcus’s pillow to scream and cry into it. Unable to understand where things went so wrong and your heart breaking because you had wanted this with him, and it seems like it was tearing you apart.

Marcus pulls onto his mom's driveway, not ready to face his dad. "You are going to kiss me on the cheek and then you are going to go back to your house, tell your wife you are sorry and tell her to let you make it up to her. You need to understand what she is going through." Mallory tells him and Marcus nods, knowing she is right. 

"Okay. Thank you for looking after Grace. I, uh, I will go home." He is dreading another fight but you need to handle this one way or another. After seeing his mom is inside, he drives home, music off as he wonders about what will come next. When he pulls into the driveway and cuts the engine, he prays he will figure this out, before he makes his way inside.

Nearly hyperventilating because of how hard you are crying, you can’t seem to make yourself stop. Not even as you listen mutedly to Grace cry in her room. Unable to move as you realize that you have done nothing but fail since you’ve given birth. You can’t do anything and you’ve just lost the man you love.

Marcus leaves his suitcase in the car and walks in, setting his keys on the side, and he hears Grace crying. Confused that you aren't in her nursery, he makes his way into her room and coos as he picks her up. "Shhh, baby girl. Daddy's here. Daddy's here. It's okay." He coos, rocking her as she squawks. He carries her into the kitchen, working on her bottle. He watches as she gulps down the milk and he realizes that this is exactly what he should've been doing this entire time. He's failed as a father and a husband.

You didn’t have the monitors turned on so you don’t hear your daughter crying anymore, assuming that she cried herself to sleep. That makes you feel even more guilty, knowing that her needs come before your own. Even when it feels like your world is ending. You can barely catch your breath, getting the hiccups as tears continue to pour down your face, soaking into Marcus’s pillow.

Marcus watches Grace's eyelashes flutter as she goes back to sleep, snuggling into his arms and he watches her for a few moments before he carries her back to her crib, gently setting her down and stroking her head. After pulling the door closed, he walks towards the bedroom, and he hears your sobs as he opens the door.

You hear the door opening, your head lifting and your eyes are nearly swollen shut from crying so hard. Hiccuping and gasping for breath, alarmed that someone could have broken in until you see Marcus. Dropping your head back to his pillow and crying new tears, knowing that another blow up is coming. He’s going to tell you that he’s getting a lawyer, that he wished he never married you.

Marcus’s heart breaks at the sight of you curled up around his pillow and he wastes no time kicking off his shoes and laying down beside you, wrapping his arms around you. “I’m so sorry baby. I’m so sorry. I’ve fucked up more than you can forgive me for. I know that now. I love you so much. I love you so much for giving me Grace and being such a wonderful mom. I’m so sorry I’ve been such an asshole. I love you. I love you.” He rambles, breathing you in as you sob in his arms.

“No you doooonnnn’t.” You wail. “I’ve been s-so hor-horrible to you.” You close your eyes and wish that this was just a bad dream. That you will wake up and you will still be pregnant with Grace. You had very weird dreams while you were carrying her, realistic ones. Why can’t this just be a nightmare? “You- you’re gonna leave me and find someone that is better for you. Some-someone you want to be with and- and- and won’t be such a failure!”

“Failure? Baby, you are amazing. I haven’t been doing my part and you’ve been looking after Grace and the house by yourself. You are so strong and so fucking incredible. I'm sorry I haven’t been here to help you. I haven’t been doing enough. I haven’t been a good husband. Your life has changed completely since you had her and I haven’t been considerate of that. You are amazing and I love you. You are everything I dreamed of when I yearned for a wife and a family.”

Closing your eyes, you just shake your head, not believing him. Everything has been so stiff and separate for so long. He can’t have just flipped a switch. “It - it’s not good enough.” You whimper quietly, your own insecurities coming out. “You don’t want me anymore. I’m- fat and frumpy and boring.”

“Absolutely not.” His voice is hard as you put yourself down. “You’re beautiful, baby and when you are holding Grace? Fuck, you look like an angel. Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. There’s no one else that makes me feel the way you do. I miss us. I miss us spending time together. We are out of sync but I want us to get back into our rhythm. I want us to be together. A family but also a couple.”

Your hiccups have settled down and your breathing is loud, nose stuffy. “I- I need some help.” You admit quietly. “I’m scared to ask.” You swallow and open your eyes to look at him. “It always seems like I’m bothering you when I call. You used to pick up on the first ring, now I always get your voicemail.”

“Ask me.” He pleads, “tell me what you want, what you need. I can’t - I’m not a mind reader honey. I need you to tell me. I’m a man. We have no idea what we are doing. Please baby, just talk to me.” He cups your cheek, wiping your tears with his thumb and his heart breaks at your teary eyes.

“I feel like you regret this.” You confess, your eyes sliding guiltily away from his. “That you regret having Grace, being with me.” You sigh softly. “I wondered if you were having an affair.”

Marcus’s heart breaks. “Baby. No. Oh fuck. No.” He shakes his head, cupping your other cheek to make you look at him. “Baby. No. I don’t regret a single thing. You are - oh God. Don’t ever think that. Ever. I love you. You and Grace are my world and I should’ve paid more attention to you. I would never cheat on you. You - you are the love of my life.”

You sigh quietly and the silence settles between you for a long moment, your breathing starting to slow down. “I’m sorry I took over.” You apologize softly. “I shouldn’t have. I should have let you stumble through things and not harp on you.” You can admit that you are wrong. “I’m just afraid of messing her up.”

Marcus tuts, “you won’t mess her up, baby. She’s - you are an amazing mother and you are going to make mistakes. I have already and it’s gonna happen. You can’t be perfect. We can’t be perfect. We just need to do our best for her and love her. Do you think you can do that for me? Just be us. I miss us. I miss you.”

“You miss the woman I used to be.” You remind him. “I- I don’t know if I’m that person anymore.” You admit. “I just- I feel like you don’t want me. Before she was born you were always touching me and kissing me. And then- it just - when I was cleared, you didn’t come home until I was asleep. You didn’t want to be with me.”

“I didn’t want to push you. I didn’t want you to think that I was pushing aside your feelings so I could get off. I wanted it to be special and I guess…I guess I got caught up in it all. I’m sorry baby. I miss you. Just you. Who you are now is still the woman I’m in love with.

You would cry about that too, but you’ve cried all you can right now. Instead you give him a watery, puffy smile. “I love you Marcus. I do. You are my husband. My soulmate.”

Marcus looks into your eyes, slowly moving forward to gently press his lips against yours. He doesn’t want to move too fast in case this isn’t what you want.

It’s soft and sweet, everything that Marcus can be and everything you’ve missed over the past months. Your eyes close, sighing softly as you reach up and cup his smooth cheek.

He sighs, kissing you softly and loving how sweet this is. He’s missed this so much. He shifts, pushing you onto your back so he can hover over you, wanting to be closer to you before he pulls back to kiss your lips, nose, cheeks and forehead. “I love you. Please don’t ever forget that.”

“I love you too.” You promise, looking up at him. It was very rare that the two of you ever fought before, but you would joke about how the make up sex was worth it. He’s still in his dress shirt and slacks from his suit and your hands roam up and over his back before you start to tug it out of his pants, needing to feel his skin against yours. “Marcus.” You whimper softly. “I need you.”

He groans, working on pulling his shirt out of his pants and he kisses along your neck. “I’m yours.” He promises, his cock hardening at the thought of having you again and he hopes he can make this good for you since it’s been a while. “I want you, baby.” He murmurs against your skin, his hands sliding up your thighs to push the dress you are wearing higher.

I want you Marcus.” You know that there is more to talk about, but right now you need to feel your husband. To have the physical connection with him. You’ve missed this, missed the intimacy you shared. “Missed this.” 

“Me too. So much.” He groans, biting down on your collarbone as his hands find your panties, pressing against your clit through the now damp fabric. “Always wanted you. Why I had to jerk off.”

You huff, but you aren’t going to argue with him. You had been tired and cranky, probably would’ve turned him down if he tried to start something. Instead, you reach down and fumble with his belt, eager to touch him again. “You don’t have to.” You groan when your hand slips into his boxers and wraps around his hard cock, feeling it twitch against your palm.

He chokes out a groan at your touch and he shakes his head, grabbing your wrist to pull it out of his pants. “I’m barely gonna last as is. Let me take care of you.” He grunts, shifting back onto his haunches and he quickly shrugs off his shirt before he reaches for the hem of your dress. Pulling it over your head, he quickly works on removing your bra. You wince, knowing you don’t look the same. You tried breastfeeding but Grace wasn’t latching and you couldn’t produce as much as she needed so you switched to formula. “Beautiful.” Marcus sighs, leaning down to wrap his lips around your nipple.

“Marc!” You cry out, eyes closing as you feel him suck. It’s wonderful and slightly painful since your breasts have barely been touched since you were trying to have your milk dry up.

Marcus continues working your nipple, biting down gently and sucking to soothe the ache. He loves how you whimper and he switches to the other tit, wanting you to enjoy every second of this. This is about you.

“Oh fuck.” You moan, tangling your fingers into his hair and enjoying the way that his cock pulses against your thigh when you tug on it. “I love this, I love you. I’ve missed your mouth on me.” You ramble.

Marcus hisses when you tug on his hair again. “Me too. Missed you so much. Missed this. Us. Want to - fuck baby, I need to taste you.” He groans, shifting to kiss along your sternum, down to your stomach. When you fidget, he grips you to keep you still and lathes his tongue over every mark and blemish.

“Marcus….” You breathe out a sigh and look down at him. “You don’t have to do that.” You can’t even imagine him wanting to put his face down there after watching Grace’s birth. “It’s okay.”

Marcus scoffs, “let me take care of my girl.” He shifts down to lay between your legs and he presses his nose against your covered clit, reaching up to grip the elastic to move it to the side so he can slide his tongue through your folds.

You open your mouth and all that you manage is a strangled moan. Shuddering and your legs twitch before they fall open even wider - wanting Marcus to take as much as he wants. It’s blissful, laying like this and letting him lick your pussy after months of not being touched, it’s like the stress is melting away with every flick of his tongue.

He’s determined to make this good for you. Moans escaping his own lips as he tastes the tang he hasn’t sampled for months. “Fuck baby. Missed this.” He groans, pulling back for a moment so he can pull your panties off, tossing them across the room then he buries his tongue deep, his hands sliding under you to grab your ass and tilt your hips.

It’s always so good with him. He has the ability to pull you apart piece by piece and put you back together again. Better than before. “Oh fuck.” Your hips jerk up and you can’t help but grind down on him. “Baby, I- I need more.” You gasp. “I need you inside me.”

Marcus lifts up and shakes his head. "Baby. I won't last inside of you. Let me make you cum like this just in case." He pleads, diving back in to suck on your clit while his finger pushes into you, giving you something more.

Shuddering, you clench down around his fingers. Loving how foreign it feels since it’s been so long since you’ve had his fingers inside you. You know he’s going to make you cum. “Oh fuck baby, so good. You’re so good!”

Marcus hisses against your flesh, sucking your clit a little harder. He desperately wants you to cum. He reaches up to grab your hand with his free hand, squeezing while he curls his fingers to find the spot that makes you cry out.

Your eyes burst open and your entire body stiffens in pleasure. Crying out his name as your walls clamp down around his fingers like a vice. You tug on his hair harshly while you come apart for him, the rush of heat making your limbs go limp.

You soaking his fingers has him groaning out at how beautiful you sound when you cum. He works you through it, kitten licking your clit and he pulls back after a moment, his cock throbbing with need to get inside of you. "Can I fuck you, baby?" He asks.

You giggle, still stuffed up from crying but you don’t care and reach for his shoulders to drag him up. “If you don’t, I’m going to be pissed.” You promise him, needing to feel him throbbing and pulsing inside you. You love the way he feels and the delicious sounds he makes when he’s buried deep inside you.

You are completely surrounding him and he exhales, just feeling you for a moment until he decides to move. He shifts, slowly moving his hips to work his cock deeper inside of you. “Fuck. I’ve missed this.” He admits, cock twitching when your walls squeeze him.

Leaning up, you bite his chin. “Your hand not quite the same?” You tease, making sure you squeeze him tight again. You already feel more connected to him than you have in months. Nails scratching down his back lightly as you wrap your legs around his thighs.

“My hand could never fucking compare.” He scoffs, shaking his head as he slowly makes love to you, wanting you to be reassured that you are what he wants. He  kisses your neck, “I love you baby. You are my everything. Never doubt that.” He pleads, needing you to believe him.

“I love you.” Stroking his back while he moves over you, your hips lift. “We need this. To be together.” You know that, feeling better than you have in a long time. Your first orgasm makes your entire body hum and relax with pleasure.

“Fuck baby. I’m not gonna - I’m not gonna last. You feel too good.” He warns you, shifting to find your clit, rubbing harder to try and get you to cum before he does.

Gasping, your walls clench down around him. You don’t really care if you cum right now, the feeling of his cock throbbing inside you, the stuttered rolls of his hips and the way his lips crash against yours is enough but his fingers are insistent. Making your cry into his mouth softer and sweeter when the liquid heat of your orgasm rushes over him and makes the next thrust wetter while you fall apart under him. 

The way you soak his cock has him cumming instantly. Marcus hisses, thrusting deep to bury his cock inside of you and he groans your name as he paints your walls. His entire body is tensed as he releases spurt after spurt of cum that even jerking off wouldn’t handle. “Fuck I love you.” He pants.

Humming in agreement, you love the weight of him on top of you. Pressing you down and surrounding you while he kisses along your jaw. “I love you too.” You are a mess, you know it. Eyes swollen and puffy, nose stuffed up and yet he still pulls back and looks at you like you are the most gorgeous thing in the world. You lean up and kiss him again. “I love you Marcus. I’m so sorry for pushing you away.” 

He tuts, brushing your cheek gently. “Don’t even think about that right now.” He sighs, “it’s over with. Let’s move forward and be stronger, yeah? I love you. I want you. I need you. That’s all you need to remember when we have tough moments. There will be more to come.”

“I know.” You are glad that he’s not dwelling on it, but you still keep your arms wrapped around him. Eager to keep him close for another minute or two.

“You and Grace are everything to me baby. I love you both so much. Please, never doubt that. You’re my world and I’m so sorry that you doubted that. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I will be from now on. I love you baby. So much.”

“That’s going to be in the past, for both of us.” You brush his hair back and press another kiss to his lips. “We’ll work together and talk when things come up.” You promise him and yourself. “You are the man I love, the man I decided I wanted a life and family with.” You smile up at Marcus. “And I want our life together to be amazing.”

“Amazing sounds like a plan, sweetheart.” He coos, nudging your nose. There’s a cry that breaks your gaze, both of you looking over at the baby monitor and Marcus grunts as he pulls out of you. “I will get her. You stay here and I will clean you up when I come back. I’ll make us a snack too since we didn’t get to eat. Grilled cheese?” He asks and you nod. He’s determined to make up for not looking at you. It’s his duty as a husband and father and he won’t fail again. 

He coos to Grace as he picks her up after sliding on his boxers and he rocks her while he carries her to the kitchen to get her bottle. “Your mama and I are gonna work this out. Your mama is amazing, baby girl, but you already know that.” He coos, watching her as she takes the bottle he prepared. “It’s gonna be okay.” He promises. Marcus Pike finally has the family he has always wanted and he won’t allow anything to ruin it…even himself.

#pedro pascal #marcus pike #marcus pike x reader #marcus pike x you #marcus pike x f!reader #marcus pike smut #marcus pike fanfiction #marcus pike imagine #marcus pike the mentalist

[eris-snow]

𝐅𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐲

Tags: gn!reader x bakugou, fluff

It's been raining a lot lately and kinda reminds me of the MHA arc the anime's currently on.

It's cold and humid and you just want to collapse the second you get back home. Currently, you were on the bus back to your house and you couldn't wait to enjoy this Friday's cosy weather and finally ditch your uncomfortable, stuffy clothes.

The bus swerves to the next bus stop, jerking back harshly as you stare unblinkingly at your phone. There isn't anything of your interest as you scroll through the latest news, but it's better than accidentally making eye contact with strangers.

The bus doors open once again to let another wave of passengers stream through as you sigh and rest your head on the poll you're hugging, wanting nothing more than to disappear.

Maybe you could treat yourself to some pizza tonight, you think, a smile grazing your lips.

This week was a rough one after all, and you'd also just finished your exams. Maybe-

"Dumbass?" A raspy voice snaps you out of your reverie as your head snaps to the voice. Red eyes clash with yours, and immediately your heart leaps when Bakugou asks, "The fuck are you doing out so late?"

You give him a wry smile. "I could ask the same thing, Pomeranian-"

You're cut off shortly by the bus jerking forward, making you launch towards him as Bakugou catches you by the shoulders. "Oi," he growls, stabling you. "No need to fall for me all over again."

You huff at his words, a blush tinting your cheeks. "Shut up, you."

It's a little sad because with all your exams, you and Bakugou haven't seen each other in a while. It didn't help that this was his first year fresh out of UA either.

Bakugou studies your expression carefully, face going soft. "How've you been?"

Your voice catches, and you suddenly forget how to talk. "U-uh, good! Good. Y-you?"

There's a chasm of awkwardness that separates the two of now, and Bakugou seems to notice it from the way you scratch your neck and laugh nervously.

"I'm coming over today."

It takes you a few seconds to realise that you didn't hallucinate him saying that. "W-What-?"

" I said I'm coming over today, Dumbass!" He repeats, flicking your forehead. "You definitely need it."

Your face heats with a searing blush. "Aren't you tired too? You've just had a full day of hero work. You must be-"

"Exhausted?" He interjected, rolling his eyes. "Damn right. But I'm coming over today. Got a problem with that?"

No, you don't.

--

He cooks you dinner that day, your favourite meal that you savour and love. Bakugou stares at you with eyes that seem to sparkle as you thank him profusely for the meal. It's better than any pizza you could have bought today.

You cuddle up close to him as he asks about your day and exams, watching you animatedly talk about your mundane life with such gusto it gets Bakugou to listen patiently.

It's funny, because even though it is freezing cold outside with the stormy rain and frostbiting weather, you've never felt warmer in his heart.

#mha #mha fanfiction #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugō #bakugou x y/n #bakugo x you #bakugou katuski x reader #my hero academia #bakugou fluff #fluff

[ystrike1]

Knavish Knight ~Prison of Passion~ - By Tsuruta espresso (7/10)

Is this for me? No. It caters to a very specific preference, but there is a messy/psychologically demented happy ending. There's no denying that this is dark. It's yet another otome isekai but in this case the handsome yandere knight does not understand consent.

If you want real kidnapping here you go. Arus wants to be left the hell alone.

She played the game. She got summoned. She met a very handsome friend named Luz Asghul. She learned magical spells and she fought monsters and...she kinda got PTSD?

After a couple action packed years she retired, because of mental exhaustion...and abuse plus the PTSD. Her trusted partner assaulted her after a mission, so she cut contact. She lives in the woods with a cute granny.

Luz Asghul is a captain now. He uses his resources to capture her and run off with her. He does not care about her opinion and he is obsessed with her.

The art is kinda good. The faces are nice. The bodies are weird.

Arus isn't swayed by his money or the yummy food or the palace. She's done this shit before. She's actually kinda bored.

When Luz Asghul is actually around he terrorizes her and constantly screams about how much he wants her.

He's a very specific, one note kind of yandere...but he's also affected by PTSD...which is used as an excuse for his violence.

The duo used to be real, cute friends. His ultimate betrayal and attack was actually painful for Arus.

He's just crazy in love uwu forgiveness.....feels extra bad here because Arus has PTSD too...and she didn’t turn evil.

They hug it out and Luz Asghul decides to be a more reasonable, submissive sort of yandere.

I don't think he deserves to be forgiven, but I'm not saying this is bad. It is a yandere story in a very violent fantasy setting, where the most major plot thread is shared PTSD. I would have preferred to see him become more submissive/servile though. That wouldn't make the assult better......but I did want him to suffer more.

#yandere #male yandere #yandere male #yandere boy #recommendations #recs #rec #recommended #Knavish Knight ~Prison of Passion~ #otome isekai #otome games #otome game

[lucy90712]

Road to recovery- Part 6

masterlist After going to Pablo's place last week he's been really busy with physio at the club so we haven't talked quite as much which has been kind of a good thing as it has allowed me to process what happened when I left his. Sure a kiss on the cheek is probably normal to some people but with Pablo it really threw me off as I've realised that I have feelings for him but of course we are just friends so all of the things that the kiss made me feel I need to bury them deep down and forget about them. Having a few days with less contact has helped me to push away my feelings as I'm not being reminded of them as often. Today however Pablo is coming over to my place as it's on his way home and don't get me wrong I'm happy to see him but I'm a bit nervous as I don't know if I'll make things awkward. 

Last night I made my brother help me tidy my apartment as I have been slacking a bit with cleaning as its quite hard for me to run the hoover around and reach certain shelves to put things back or dust. The place definitely isn't fully clean but it's better than it was and I know Pablo won't really care it was more just for me. This morning I also realised I don't have much food or at least not healthy food so I had to drag myself to the nearest store to get some things which was more difficult than I anticipated but I made it home in one piece eventually. By the time I got home I was already exhausted as it takes a lot of effort to walk anywhere now and because I'm not training everyday I'm not as fit as I was a few months ago. 

Before Pablo arrived I took some time to lay down but I didn't get long as it took me so long to get to and from the store. I had about 15 minutes before the buzzer to my apartment went off and I allowed Pablo in before texting him to tell him I'd come down and meet him as my apartment isn't the easiest to find. When I made it to the lobby Pablo was waiting for me with a big smile on his face and something in his hand which he handed to me telling me it was a smoothie from this place he likes to go to sometimes after training. I thanked him and after I tasted the smoothie per his request we made our way up to my apartment.

As we walked in I locked the door behind us but when I turned round Pablo had disappeared from my sight. It didn't take me long to find him though because as soon as I turned the corner into the living room he was stood looking at some of the pictures I have hanging up. He was looking at the collage of pictures I have up which has a mixture of pictures of me with my friends and family and some of me from competitions mostly from when I was younger. I don't look at the pictures that much as I'm used to them being here so I forget that other people find it interesting to look at childhood photos. 

"How old were you in this picture?" Pablo asked looking at a picture of me receiving a medal at a competition while being surrounded by girls much taller than me

"I think I was 9 or maybe just turned 10 but the other girls were mostly 12 or 13" I said 

"Wow and you beat them all" he commented 

"Yeah pretty much since I started gymnastics I've been competing against girls much older than me" I explained 

"Thats so amazing you'll have to show me some videos of you doing gymnastics" he said 

"I can do that I have loads of videos on my laptop as I always have to analyse my performances afterwards" I said 

He looked at a few other pictures and made fun of how I would have my hair in two little pigtails pretty much at all times when I was little even when I didn't have much hair to put up. After he was done laughing at me I grabbed my laptop and let him pick some videos of my recent competitions for us to watch. He was so enthralled by all of the videos after every one he asked me to tell him what I was doing as we watched it again. I loved that he was taking such an interest as I know he doesn't really know anything about gymnastics but he was making an effort to learn and that means a lot as most people I meet don't seem to care at all. He wanted to know all about what it's like at a competition and how the scoring works so he could get as much of a full experience as possible without actually going to a competition. 

Since we've met I've been watching a lot more football and I've watched some compilations of Pablo playing too because I felt like I should know more and I was curious. I must say despite my lack of knowledge Pablo seems like an excellent player and hopefully one day I can see him play in person. I have never been into football or really watched much as I have always training or at competitions on weekend and when I wasn't I was always at my brothers races so it's never something that crossed my mind. While watching I tried to make sense of the rules but there were just some things that made no sense to me so I asked Pablo while we were talking about our sports. He did his best to explain everything and he told me more about his team so I knew who everyone was for when I next watch a game. 

We did other things for a while until Pablo told me that Barcelona were playing in the champions league so we put the game on and started watching it together. It didn't take long before I saw how truly passionate about football Pablo is because straight away he was shouting at the team and he got so annoyed when they conceded. I tried my best to offer a more positive outlook as Pablo kept saying the team were going to lose but it didn't help so I just watched. As the match progressed I got increasingly tired but I wanted to stay awake and watch the game; Pablo must've noticed this as he pulled me into his side and leaned my head against his shoulder to allow me to rest a bit. As we kept watching I rested my eyes a few times but I was always woken up again by Pablo but it was ok because the entire time he was tracing shapes on my side which was really relaxing.

The match eventually ended with a loss for Barcelona so Pablo wasn't happy but I tried my best to cheer him up and eventually I got him smiling and laughing again. Once he was happy we avoided talking about sports for a while instead we watched tiktoks until we were both laughing our asses off which really lightened the mood. Pablo's laugh is so infectious that once he started laughing I couldn't help myself and then we were done for we didn't stop laughing for a good 10 minutes. When we finally stopped we had to take a few minutes to each catch our breath and just calm down. 

"Have you ever been to a football match?" Pablo asked breaking the silence 

"No I haven't" I replied 

"Well I was going to watch the teams next home game this weekend would you want to come with me?" He asked 

"I'd love to but only if it's not a problem and you want me to" I said 

"Of course I want you there it will be fun I want to bring you to your first football game" he said 

"I suppose if I'm going to attend a football match it might as well be with a professional player" I laughed 

"Good I'll come and pick you up before the match and we'll go together and you can meet the rest of the boys" he said 

The thought of meeting the rest of Pablo's teammates is already making me anxious but I'm excited to go to a game in person and with Pablo who I know is dying to go and be with his friends it should be a fun night. 

#gavi imagine #gavi imagines #pablo gavi imagine #pablo gavi imagines #gavi #gavi oneshots #gavi x reader #pablo gavi #football imagine

[myaheartsmarkie]

addicted - chapter three

word count: 12.9k

playlist: from time by drake, late at night by roddy rich, i want u around by omar apollo, wasting time by brent faiyaz, best you had by don toliver, luv is dro by jack harlow, and party by sik-k!

genre: smut, so much. mild one sided pining, jealous! jeno, angst, fluff (im team jeno yall lol), fwb! to lovers, student athletes! yn + jeno. the boyz! and dream + 127 member make side role! appearances. jaehyun is trying to fight jeno lol, haechan and kevin stir up trouble as per usual

warning(s): smut! smut! smut! (pls, if you're a minor - leave.) lots of swearing!!, jeno is toxic, and boy oh boy does it show. choking, spanking, slight public sex! (they're fucking in the locker rooms again lmaooo), teasing, dom! jeno, sub! reader, face fucking, spit play, cum play, oral (f! + m! receiving), tons of sex talk, established height difference (im not even short so lets not jump to conclusions, but the dominating role i wrote in for jeno imo calls for a significant height difference. im the author so pls respect it. if you don't like it don't read it. thanks.) reader has a smart ass mouth (if you're sensitive? ig..lol my mouth is reckless too so it feels normal) mentions of violence (jaebae isn't taking no shit in this chapter lmao), use of pet names (baby, angel, princess, etc..) jeno can be rough at times in some scenes, but not violent, some dry humping, slight size kink, i think that's it...lmk if i missed anything!

note from mya: ITS FINALLY HERE YALL!! omg this took so frickin long D: im so very sorry & i pray to every god that its worth it ! i worked hard lol. also i had originally written 14.8k but last night it got deleted bcus we had an outage & i guess it didnt back up properly :( but yea, you guys already know. no minors. if you're legal, happy reading :) taglist is posted at the bottom <3 . & of course this isn't revised lmao...fuck that. thanks for your patience & support, ily!

© myaheartsmarkie 2022 — all rights reserved !

—

“yn?” kevin said softly, knuckles grazing the frame of your door. 

he sighs when he receives no response in return. he looks back at jaehyun with a sad expression. jaehyun lets out a sigh, chest heaving angrily. 

“i’ll fucking kill him” he mumbles, turning around and stalking to the front door. 

kevin scurries to sit the plate of food down and catch his best friend before he reaches outside. kevin grabs jaehyun’s shoulder, halting his movements. 

“we don’t even know if it’s because of jeno,” kevin starts. 

“i know it is—god, i never liked that dickhead” he says, hands going to grip his hair out of frustration. 

“ok…but your rep too—you can’t just beat up the baseball captain and get away with it” he tells jae. 

jaehyhun sighs, moving to sit on the couch. he tugs his phone from his pocket, quickly finding your contact. 

jaebae: hey…ik you don’t wanna talk rn but me & kev are here for you, ok? you know we always are. so whenever you’re ready, we’ll be here waiting. i love u. 

jaebae: …and if it was that fucker j*no i promise you these hands are rated e for everybody, especially if they hurt you. 

you smile at the text messages. you love your best friends but right now…you weren’t up for any kind of communication. you were glad they knew that as well. hearting both of the messages from jaehyun before you turn your phone off again, burying yourself under your duvet. 

—

it’s been a long ass week. 

missing three days of class, constant crying, and using up your vacation days to sulk in bed can be very exhausting. luckily sungchan has been sending you his notes, filling you in on what you’ve missed. he was god sent, truly your guardian angel. his notes were filled to the brim, jotted down sentences in multiple different pen colors, he was so extra. the last photos he sent to you was yesterday. three pictures of his college ruled white paper concluding with a quick selfie of himself with a thumbs up, ‘get better, i miss u!’ drawn across the screen with a tiny heart. 

you haven’t thought about him. not today at least…but have you thought about him since the whole ordeal? yes. yes times a thousand. you can’t help it, your mind does its own thing. it doesn’t listen to you, no matter how hard you try to not do so — your mind betrays you. pictures of his stupidly handsome face, his stupid buff arms, and his stupid stupid stupid (very good) dick game. you can’t help it! 

you’re surprised with yourself though, the fact that you’ve actually mustered up the courage to block him and not text or call him back. it truly takes a ton of work and you’ve done well these past few days. the countless missed calls from the ‘no caller id’ contact and constant texts from the said man. begging for you to come back and his meaningless apologies. you’ve read them…hell fucking yeah you have, but have you replied? nope. 

you sigh, reluctantly sitting up in your bed. you eye the time, 11:06am. you have class at 12…if you get ready now, you can make it on time. you purse your lips in thought, do you really wanna go to class today? you shake your head, tugging the blanket from over you and make your way to the bathroom. 

—

jaebae: im going to practice and kev is at sunwoo’s. lmk if you need anything, sweetheart. 

you see the text from your roommate, eyes drifting from the mirror to your phone screen. you read it and smile. tooth rotting sweet as usual, what more do you expect from jae? you pick up your phone, texting him back. 

you: ok!! thank u but im good rn :) luv ya 

you lock your phone, continuing your activities. you press the plus sign on your speaker, upping the volume trying anything to get you into a good mood. mumbling some lyrics here and there while you get ready. once you’re done you twist the door of your bathroom, but you come to an abrupt pause. the house is empty now…which means you have no ride. you facepalm. you can’t text jae now, it’s been like 10 minutes since he left. you internally whine, moving to sit on your bed. you lay back dramatically, huffing as you wonder who the hell you could call. kevin’s free but probably tipsy…afterall in his world it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere. jaehyun and sungchan are at practice, jieun…we’re not even gonna think about her. who else even is there…? 

you sit up in a flash as his face pops up in your head. if you remember correctly he has a 12 o’clock class as well, so it shouldn’t be much of a hassle, right? you hurriedly grab your phone, scrolling until you stumble across his contact. 

you: hey bestie :D !! i need a ride to class, can you pick me up ? 

you cringe at the message, swiping up and out of the app. you bite your lip…were you being too forward? is this crossing any lines? was it too soon? 

you: if not it’s cool!! don’t worry about it lol..

you chuck your phone backwards onto your bed. palms covering your face as you groan loudly. was it always this awkward? like…texting? you don’t know, but what’s done is done. mainly because you can’t unsend it. 

ding!

you flinch at the sound, reluctantly picking up the cellular device. 

eric :) : sure!! be there in five :) 

eric :) : ps…cus you’re cute i won’t charge you for gas money :P thank me later

you roll your eyes at the second message, you’re glad he’s not being awkward about it. you were already emotionally fucked up…you didn’t need another problem added to your plate right now. you sigh happily, gathering your things and moving to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. settling on a green apple, you bite the fruit scrolling through your fyp while you wait. 

eric :) : i’m here 

—

you make your way out the door, clutching your bookbag strap tightly. why were you so nervous? you weren’t even this nervous when you and him went on your first date! this is so backwards. 

watching your shoes as you hop down the stairs, making your way to his black jdm. you’re glad he’s not standing outside the car like usual, you’d be too embarrassed to look at him face to face. you grab the handle, pulling the car door open. slinging your bookbag off before you climb in. hand running down the back of your skirt to make sure it doesn’t bunch up when you sit. you close the door before turning to look at eric. when you do you let out an audible gasp. 

“o-oh my god!” you say, eyes wide with shock. 

eric laughs, running a hand through his hair. 

“when the hell?” you say, hand moving to touch his newly dyed hair. 

“two days ago, you like it?” he asks, body turning towards yours. 

your finger runs through his hair, admiring the new color. his eyes are on you, watching you with curious eyes. you were still so damn pretty. 

“i do…it suits you” you smile, retracting your hand from his head. 

“thank you m’lady” he grins, hands moving to start the car. 

you shake your head, buckling yourself in before he pulls off. 

—

you make your way through the hallway, squeezing through the many other bodies. you clutch your book bag to your side, trying your best not to bump into anybody. you stand atop your tiptoes trying to glance over the many heads. you eye your classroom, trying to push your way through in

the direction of your class. you successfully make it to class, pushing through the door and hurrying to make it to your seat. you sit down with a huff, head falling onto the table. if you knew it’d be this stressful you would’ve stayed home. 

you sat up, eyes curiously searching the classroom. there were a few other students scattered everywhere, but it wasn’t 12 yet…so more people are sure to show up. you didn’t see sungchan though, you pouted picking up your phone. 

you: HEY FUCKER!! WYA???

bambi: ??? you’re in class ??? 

you: YES

bambi: i’m almost there, save me a seat pls

you thumbs up his last message, sitting your bookbag on the seat next to you. in the last minute or so at least ten or twelve more students poured into the class. you rest your face on top of your open palm, blowing a breath out from your mouth obnoxiously. you really didn’t wanna be here. 

—

you and sungchan stretch in unison, fingers reaching towards the ceiling. you guys turn to face each other, laughing loudly. you both gather your things making your way out to the hallway, thanking the professor on the way out. you loop your arm through sungchan’s skipping side by side down the hallway. 

“you wanna get some food?” he asks and you nod happily. 

“ok, i gotta get my keys from my locker, come on” he tells you, leading you in the direction of the elevator. 

the two of you step into the elevator, pressing the number four. you both wait patiently, stepping out once the doors open for the two of you. 

“you wanna wait right here?” he asks, pointing at the bench outside of the locker room. 

you nod, un-attaching yourself from him and sitting down politely. you cross your legs, folding your hands over your lap. you watch sungchan walk away, both yours and his book bags slung over his figure. you slightly smile, you loved him so much. your left leg bounces, nerves going a little crazy – worried jeno would randomly pop up when you least expect it. you find your nail in between your lips once more, chewing nervously. 

“yooo! haven’t seen you in awhile,” a voice shouts from behind you. 

you jump, eyes wide as you look over the figure. he walks up to you, hand resting on your shoulder. 

“woah, didn’t mean to spook you” haechan laughs, welcoming himself to sit next to you. 

“you fucking dick,” you roll your eyes, punching his arm. 

“ow! why’re you sitting out here? waiting for jeno?” he asks, teasingly wiggling his eyebrows at you. 

you huff out, rolling your eyes at him. you lift your hand again, but haechan grabs your balled up fists so you don’t hit him again. 

“it was a joke, i’m kidding” he tells you.

“i’m waiting for sungchan, we’re gonna go eat”  you say to haechan, tugging your hands from his grip. 

“—and jeno and I are no longer acquainted, thank you very much” you huff, turning your nose up. 

“wait, really? why, what happened?” haechan asks, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“don’t wanna really talk about it, but he can’t keep his dick in his pants to save his life” you mutter with a roll of your eyes. 

haechan makes an ‘o’ shape with his mouth, nodding his head in understanding. you nod as well, turning your head to the sound of the door opening, haechan peeking around your shoulder. sungchan walks out, spinning his car keys on his finger. you stand up, brushing your skirt down. haechan follows suit, standing up as well. he daps sungchan up and gives you a kiss on top of your head. 

“i’ll see you guys later,” he yells out, holding the locker room door open. 

the two of you waved goodbye to the boy, turning around to make your way to the elevator. 

“yo sungchan! i forgot to ask—” his sentence is cut short as he sees who is standing in front of him. 

you and jeno make eye contact, your mouth drying up at the sight of him alone. you shift on your feet nervously, swallowing hard. jeno’s eyebrows crinkle in confusion and anger. 

“hey roomie…what’d you need?” sungchan asks with a nervous laugh. 

“so you’re too good to text or call me back because you’re hanging out with my best friend?” jeno asks, looking past sungchan at you. “hey…i’m both of your guys’ best friends.” sungchan says. 

you roll your eyes, turning your gaze elsewhere. you didn’t have the energy to deal with this right now. not only did you not come here for this but you’re hungry as hell. not a good mixture. 

jeno scoffs when he realizes you’re not going to reply, “oh so you really think you’re too good, huh? can’t even speak to me.” he says, mockingly laughing at you. “fuck off jeno,” you say, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“whatever, are you coming back to the crib tonight?” jeno asks, turning his attention to sungchan. 

sungchan thinks about his question for a bit, but he shakes his head no. “i’m going to haechan and yuta’s for the tournament…they want their asses whooped in mario kart again,” he chuckles lightly. jeno nods in understanding, smacking sungchan’s back with his palm. “i’m having jieun over, I needed it empty tonight” he winked at you. 

you scoff loudly, can you believe this fucking asshole? you can’t believe you used to like him. 

“you’re a dick, fuck you” you say, not breaking eye contact with him. jeno shrugs, leaning down towards your face. you back up in disgust, not wanting to be anywhere near him at all. “let me know when you’re done being petty and I promise I’ll take you back, princess,” he whispers, curling a piece of your hair behind your ear. you smack his hand away angrily. “never in a million fucking years,” you say through gritted teeth, turning away. 

you make your way to the elevator, pressing the down arrow. sungchan follows suit, nervously fiddling with his fingers. you huff out, blowing the stray hairs in front of your face away. you were beyond livid right now. 

—

[ the (3) stooges ] 

you: jeno fucked jieun. 

you: and they’re meeting up to fuck again 2nite

you: feeling suicidal :) 

kev: WAIT ARE YOU DEADASS?? 

you: i wish i was fucking lying. 

kev: what an asshole…that’s so disappointing

jaebae: i’m omw

[ you and kev ‘?’ this message ] 

kev: where are you going??? 

you: ^

jaebae: to fuck him up . 

[ kev hearted this message ] 

you: no?? wtf???

kev: ignore her, go fuck him up!!! beat his ass!!! 

[ jaebae liked this message / yn disliked this message ] 

you: i’m so serious, what if you lose your scholarship :( 

[ kev disliked this message ]

jaebae: sigh

kev: fucking party pooper, boo tomatoes boo!! 

you: thank you i love u guys 

[ jae + kev hearted this message ] 

you lock your phone, sitting up off of sungchan’s lap. you make your way to the kitchen to grab a drink. twisting the cap on the bottle of water, you take a few sips as you walk back into the living room. 

“who the FUCK threw that bannana?!” haechan asked and yuta smirks in response to his outburst.

“what are you gonna do about it, huh?” yuta asks, throwing another banana towards haechan’s character. 

sungchan is quiet throughout the game, eyebrows crinkled in sheer concentration. you eye the gold number one in the corner of his screen. all the other boys moan out in agony as he crosses the finish line. haechan throws the switch controller down onto the couch angrily. 

“fuck you” yuta says, flipping your best friend off. you and sungchan laugh at the boys' reactions, finding them amusing. 

you guys all looked at the door confused when the doorbell rang. yuta gets up to answer the door, and you all look curiously from your seats. 

“eric? what’s up!” yuta says, unlocking the door for him and his friends. 

you turn to sungchan with wide eyes, sungchan smiles at you. 

“take your mind off jeno for now…he’s my friend but he’s being a dick right now” he tells you, ruffling your hair. 

“you invited them?” you ask, and sungchan nods. 

“i swear i’m—” you start but you close your mouth abruptly when you hear your name being called. “yn? is that you?” eric asks, you turn around slowly with a sort of awkward smile. “i didn’t know you’d be here, would’ve come over sooner,” eric joked, sliding into the open seat next to you. sungchan rubbed your back before he stood up to walk away. 

“you met my friends, right?” he asks, pointing back at his two friends. sunwoo and juyeon wave at you with a smile. “is this your girlfriend?” juyeon asks, you and eric blush madly. sunwoo elbows him in the side, offering a small apologetic smile. “s-sorry, it’s just–when you guys were at the club…i-i thought” the black haired boy stutters. 

“it’s fine,” you smile, hands holding your blushing face. eric is just as red as you, coughing at the now awkward environment. “we’re not dating, jackass,” eric says, running a hand through his hair. 

“you guys want in?” you hear haechan ask.

sunwoo and juyeon’s eyes light up at his question, practically running to grab a controller. you watch them, laughing at their excitement. yuta then makes his way back to the living room, speaker in hand. what was a small quiet get together is now a very noisy party of seven. 

“do you wanna go outside?” eric asks, leaning down to whisper the question into your ear. with blushing cheeks you nod yes, following him out the front door. 

haechan looks at sungchan both of them sharing a nod before sungchan pulls his phone out. 

[ bsb bozos ]

hae: wooooah yn went with him outside ;)

sungchan: lol fr? just them?

hae: yuuuup

jeno: ???

hae: oh shit

sungchan: wrong gc, fuck.

hae: yea my bad jen lmao

jeno: who are you guys talking about?

[ read 11:34am ]

jeno: you little shits better answer me 

[ haechan liked this message ]

hae: i love aggressive men <3 

hae: yn went outside with eric :)))

sungchan: stfu omg you can’t hold water for shit. 

hae: im sorry D:

jeno: are you deadass?? im omw you fuckers better watch her, if he touches her istfg 

hae: you got it daddy— boss!

sungchan: i meaaaan…

jeno: chan don’t fw me rn

sungchan: no bcus you literally told her you were gonna fuck her now ex bestfriend…

sungchan: but now you want us to watch her?? because she went outside with someone?? 

sungchan: it’s ass backwards…you can stick your dick in anything that walks & she has to be ok with it but when she’s in the vicinity of another man you’re losing your fucken mind. make your mind up jeno, we’re not kids. if you want to be with yn, then tell her AND show her that. stop making shit complicated. we all know you want her. 

hae: ok, but it’s giving poet…modern shakespeare if you will 😫 .

sungchan: LMFAOOO stfu haechan 

jeno: im not responding to that shit in full, you talk to damn much. but ik im in the wrong, but im selfish ass toxic mf and she knows that. im omw rn, you don’t have to watch her…but i am taking her home so you don’t have to worry about us. 

hae: oh we’re not worried abt y’all…were worried for eric

sungchan: ^ yeah…will he be ok? his team still needs him lmao..

jeno: i won’t touch him…

sungchan: im not buying it, where’s the rest

jeno: if he’s not touching her, i’ll be cool. 

hae: alright lee, stop texting cus ik you’re driving.

sungchan: ^ adios 

—

“wait wait, so you didn’t always live here?” you ask, and eric nods. “nope, i just came back this year.” he confirms, and you nod with a slightly agape mouth. “how are the states? is it as fun as people make it seem?” you question, eric holds his chin with two fingers trying to figure out how to answer. “i like the states…different—very, but it’s enjoyable.” he replies and you nod. “you wanna go?” he asks, referring to the states and you nod excitedly. “ugh, it’s my biggest dream…but i

haven’t gone yet,” you pout, bottom lip slightly jutting out. you wrap your arms around yourself, seeking warmth from your hands. 

eric notices and slips out of his hoodie, offering it to you. you shake your head, waving your hands. “it’s fine,” you say. “wasn’t asking, yn” he tells you, already putting the hoodie over your head. you reluctantly push your arms through the holes, pulling the oversized sweater on. eric slides his hands under your hair, lifting it from under the sweater. he curls some of it behind your ear and you look up at him with a sweet smile. “uh, thank..you” you say, fiddling with the hem of his sweater. eric looks back at you, with kind eyes, loving how you look in his sweater. he bends down slowly, inching towards your face. you bit your bottom lip, contemplating whether or not you should let this happen. it’d be wrong, right? to lead him on, you know you don’t like him…not more than a friend. so why let him do this? it’ll only hurt him again. before you know it, he’s centimeters from you, his lips so close to yours. you sigh, squeezing your eyes shut. you wait for his lips to touch yours, squeezing your hands together. your nails dig into the skin of your palms. 

before his lips could touch yours, you’re being tugged away from his grasp. your eyes shoot open, you’re now staring at the back of a tall figure. 

“the fuck do you think you’re doing, huh?” the man says, his grip on your wrist was tight and unwavering. 

“jeno?!” eric says, astonishment evident on his face. you and him both were just as surprised at his presence. 

“w-when did you get here?” you ask quietly, trying to pull away from him. jeno turns to you, eyeing the sweater on you. “take this shit off,” he tells you, pulling at the sleeves. 

if you didn’t do it yourself he was going to do it himself. you tug the sweater up and off of you, wrapping your arms around yourself. you guys may be on bad terms but you know better than to aggravate an already angry lee jeno. eric scoffs loudly in response to the scene unfolding in front of him. 

“yn, what the fuck is going on right now?” eric asks and you open your mouth to respond. “don’t fucking talk to her.” jeno seethes, looking at eric angrily. he throws the man his sweater back and turns away. he grabs your hand, tugging you away from eric. you shriek, looking back at eric slightly waving as jeno drags you along. 

“j-jeno, my wrist..it hurts” you say quietly. 

jeno stops walking, causing you to run into his back. you stumble, holding your nose from the impact. you look up curiously, wondering why he stopped walking. “you know how angry i get when you do shit like this,” jeno whispers, and your eyebrows crinkle. “w-what do you mean?” you ask. “don’t play dumb.” he tells you, pinning you against the wall. you flinch at the way it feels against your skin, but you couldn’t care less right now. 

“everytime i see you with someone that isn’t me,” his hands snake around your waist. “i fucking hate that shit…and you know it” his hands grab your ass, squeezing it until you moan out. “i’m selfish, and you’re all mine baby” you bite your lip, looking up at him with glazed over eyes. 

“w-what about jieun…” you whisper, needing to know. 

“i fucked up, and i’m sorry..” he tells you curling a piece of hair behind your ear. you nod in response. “did you…” jeno shakes his head, finger grazing your lips shushing you. “no baby, we didn’t…i promise” he tells you, bending down to kiss your head. you nod in response.

you’d rather not talk, it's been a long night. you’re relieved to say the least though…you’re glad they didn’t sleep together. you don’t know what you would’ve done or said if he said they did. 

“take me home,” you say, turning your head away from him. 

jeno nods, grabbing hold of your hand. “let’s go baby,” he says, leading you towards his car.

—

[ the (3) stooges ] 

* ‘kev kev’ added ‘bambi’ and ‘hae <3’ * 

you: there’s 5 of us now, gc name is incorrect. 

hae <3: omg girl stfu

[ you changed the gc name to “yn for prez :D” ]

bambi: lmfao tf kind of name

kev kev: i hope you know i would n e v e r vote for you :)

you: rude asf. 

hae <3: yeah yeah, shut up. what happened yesterday ?!

kev kev: oh yeah! how’d it go last night??

bambi: ^

you: ??? wdym

kev kev: did you get dicked down last night?

you: wtf?? no. 

hae <3: mission: failed

kev kev: fat ass sigh

you: wait a damn minute…

you: YOU DICKS!! YOU SET ME UP DIDN'T YOU????

you: i knew it…jeno literally just popped up. 

kev kev: IT WAS THEIR IDEA 

[ bambi + hae <3 disliked this message ] 

bambi: stfu you’re a fucking liar

hae <3: jus because i helped doesn’t mean i was involved :(

you: i’m gonna fuck you two up

[ kev + hae <3 liked this message / bambi disliked this message ]

bambi: yn, i love you 

[ you liked this message ] 

bambi: it wasn’t me D: pls believe me 

[ you liked this message ] 

you: <3 

[ kev + hae <3 disliked this message ] 

kev kev: in FRONT of me ?! 

hae <3: ^ ong, ur so fake bro ):

kev kev: fuck u yn :( 

jaebae: can you guys shut the fuck up?? i have a game tmrw u asshats 

you: sorry :(

kev kev: im shutting the fuck up. 

bambi: aye aye captain 

hae <3: yes daddy. 

—

you skipped down the hall with jaehyun, his arm slung over your shoulder. he insisted on walking you to class today, you were a bit taken aback but you let him do so. 

“so, what’s up after class?” he asks. “i go back to practice today—i’m excited” you reply back, a glint showing in your eyes. jaehyun looked down at you fondly, he adored you. “should i be worried..?” you ask, turning to look at him. jae shakes his head no, petting your hair. “just didn’t want you running into him again alone,” he tells you, a small smile spreads across your features. 

you wrap your arms around his middle, buying your face in his chest. “thank you, jae…i appreciate you” you tell him, he chuckles lightly. bending down a bit to press a kiss to the top of your head before he turns you around to push you through the classroom door. 

jeno watches from afar with an annoyed expression. his fists at his sides, jaw clenched tightly. he hated seeing you with other guys. fuck everybody that wasn’t him. though he knows everything between you and jaehyun is all platonic, it still bothers him. 

jae turns around, making eye contact with jeno. he rolls his shoulders back, jutting his chin in his direction slightly—silently greeting him. jeno doesn’t nod back, he just stays still—fists still shaking with rage. jaehyun smirks slyly, turning away from jeno clutching his book bag strap.

—

you sat in class quietly, jotting down notes every now and again. you were mainly zoned out though—pondering on what jeno was doing right now. you pushed the pen into your cheek, clicking the button in and out. you wondered what he had on right now, or if he was listening to music, or if he was thinking about you too. you didn’t know why your mind drifted off to jeno lee, but you couldn’t help it. after the encounter with him last night, he’s been heavy in your head. 

ding!

j: come to me after class. 

what are the odds, lol. you say to yourself in your head. you pick up your phone, clicking the notification. 

j: and you better have me unblocked or else yn. 

[ you disliked this message ] 

you: stfu i do what i want

you: where and why

j: don’t question me & stop being funny.

j: locker rooms, right after class. not a minute later.

j: don’t make me fucking wait. 

you rolled your eyes, leaving him on read. a little riling up never hurt anybody…well, never hurt you at least. plus, you already know what’s going to go down—why not get him all worked up beforehand? he deserves it after all, that little stunt he pulled at the club. 

—

you rock back and forth on your feet in the elevator. you were a little nervous. you fiddle with your fingers, rubbing over the acrylic on your nails. it was just jeno…why are you worried.

you: um…im up here, wya?

j: come to the back. 

you lock your phone, nodding your head. you push through the swing doors, making your way to the back of the locker rooms. you take a deep breath before you twist the doorknob. you peek from behind the door, everything looks the same. same chair, same desk, same jeno. 

“took you long enough” he says through gritted teeth. you don’t respond, you just step fully into the small room before you close the door behind you. “come here,” he tells you. 

you slowly make your way to him, eyes on the floor. he’s shirtless, leaning against the desk. sweat is collected above his brow, you wonder if he’s fresh out of practice. jeno’s index finger curls under you chin, jerking your head up. though he’s leaning against the desk he’s still towering over you. his intimidating features and size make your legs tremble. you look up at him, chewing on your bottom lip nervously. 

“don’t be so scared love..” he whispers, bending down to be closer to you. you gulp down hard, both your mouth and your throat suddenly dry. “i-i have practice…a-at 2:30” you tell jeno and he smiles down at you. “we’ll be done by then, but i don’t know if you’ll be able to stand.” jeno loops a finger through your belt loop, tugging you into him. as your body collides with his he bends down to catch your lips in a kiss. your hands are awkwardly pressed against his chest, not really knowing what to do with them. one arm is holding you in place, the other placed at the back of your neck. “i missed you,” he tells you through small kisses and breaths. “didn’t miss me when your tongue was down jieun’s throat,” you spit back, slightly pushing him back. 

jeno laughs, looking up at the ceiling before his eyes fall back onto you. you cross your arms over your chest. you were going to let him get away with it, but you can’t let it slide. not after what he told you that same day. even after what he showed you? you needed answers. 

“yn…come on, i already apologized.” he tells you, hands moving to touch you again. you jerk back so he doesn’t touch you, jeno sighs in response.

“jeno. you told me you loved me, then you went and made out with jieun that same day!” you tell him, and he holds his face in his hands, an exasperated sigh falling from his mouth. “you went outside with eric and left me there by myself, how do i know you didn’t make out with him?” he shoots back at you. you scoff rolling your eyes at his response. “i broke it off with him for you,” you tell him. “ok…and jieun came onto me and i wasn’t thinking straight” he tells you, walking towards you…wanting to hold you. “i was watching you and eric that night, why do you think i was so mad?” he says, eyebrows furrowed in slight anger. “when i came up to you at the bar? that wasn’t when i first got there,” you look up at him, expression full of confusion. “i seen him help you down the stairs, watch your drink, hold your purse—all that shit,” he says to you and you’re rendered speechless. “that should’ve been me…and i swear if i could go back in time and go with you, that night—i would.” he concluded his statement, hands holding your face softly. 

you stand on your tiptoes to capture his lips in a kiss, you knew you would fold and forgive him…all you wanted was a proper apology. you couldn’t stay mad at him for too long…

“are you still mad at me?” jeno asks after he pulls away from your lips. you respond silently, bringing your hands up to show ‘just a little’ with your fingers. the both of you laugh, going back to making out. jeno’s hands grip your waist tightly, if he’s speaking honestly he’s afraid of letting you go. he feels that if he lets you go he’ll lose you again…and he can’t risk that, never again. 

“don’t leave me again…” he whispers, lips barely grazing yours. “never leave me…please” he’s practically begging right now. “don’t do shit to push me away then jeno,” you tell him, arms wrapped around his shoulders. he nods in response, arms wrapping tighter around your middle. he squeezes you softly, inhaling your scent. 

—

the last few days have been hectic to say the least. you and jeno have been in contact, very much so in fact. you’ve been over to his place a few times but you haven’t brought him around jaehyun yet. you feel kind of bad, he tried so hard to protect you from him but you went right back. so you don’t have the heart to tell him you guys are on good terms just yet. 

jaebae: im waiting outside, sungchan is here too !

you: okaaay, im coming rn just have to grab some things from my locker. 

[ jae liked this message ] 

“look at you, what have i done…” jeno says into your ear, licking the back. “you were such a good girl, where’d she go? hm?” you don’t respond, you just look up at him from your place on the floor. your pretty eyes are glazed over with wetness from your previous activities. 

“you just do everything i fucking tell you too, huh?” jeno’s hand goes back to your hair, gripping your locks firmly. “such a good little slut for daddy,” he praises you. your bottom lip is caught between your teeth, biting down hard enough to draw blood. you look up at him wanting for him to do something so badly. jeno looks down at you slyly, smiling at you sickly. “you want my cock, baby?” he asks rhetorically, bobbing your head up and down for you. “yeah? huh? you want it?” he asks, making you nod your head again.. “p-please…” you whisper, looking up at him with teary eyes. jeno groans audibly, grip tightening on your hair. he jerks your head in the direction of his pants, squishing your face against his clothed boner. you whine, hands going to grip his legs to stabilize yourself.

“unzip em, now” he tells you. 

you nod, hands shakily moving to unzip him. jeno jerks you back by your hair again, and you yelp. he bends down slightly, getting close to your face. “use your fucking mouth” he says, unoccupied hand squishing your cheeks. he hallows them out, forcing your tongue to poke out. he stands back up to his full height, moving you back to in front of his bulge. you open your mouth teeth grazing the cold metal of his zipper. you grab the zipper with your teeth, pulling it down—unzipping him. 

“such a good slut for me,” jeno praises once you free his rock hard cock. “open.” he demands and you obey. lolling your tongue out of your wet mouth, waiting patiently for your treat. jeno strokes his dick a few times, thumbing the tip. he spreads his pre cum around, making your anticipation and need for him run wild. he leans forward, spitting into your open mouth.

“you ready for me?” he asks and you nod, mouth still hanging open.

he slaps the tip on your tongue, grinding against you a few times. low girthy groans leave his mouth, loving the wetness of your mouth. your arms are politely crossed behind your back, knowing you're not allowed to touch him unless he says so. 

“fuck, i missed this” he moans out, pushing deeper into your mouth. his tip is hitting the back of your throat making you gag but you couldn’t care less. jeno’s other hand goes to your hair, pushing further down your throat. you gargle around his length, choking on his size. jeno loves the sound of you choking, ego boosting a bit as it reminds him how big he is. he looks down at you, sweat dripping down his bare chest and forehead. hot tears roll down your face as you look back up at him. he fucks into your mouth a few more times, nearing his orgasm. you shut your eyes tightly, letting him abuse your throat roughly. “f-fuck—shit” he mumbles, biting his lip as he empties his load down your throat messily. a mixture of your salty tears, spit and cum drips down your mouth and chin. jeno bends down to look at you closer, eyeing the slick mixture of nastiness as it drips down. it all pools atop your cleavage but you were too busy trying to catch your breath to care. you gasp in and out, chest heaving. jeno smiles sickly. god he loved ruining you. 

“you’re so hot, i fucking love you” he whispers, crashing his lips onto yours. 

—

“hey! what took you so long?” jae greets you with open arms. 

you slightly smile, accepting his free hug. he holds the back of your head, his other hand rubbing your middle. you sigh out of sheer habit, you were a sucker for hugs like these. may or may not have to do with you liking to be dominated…but who cares? 

“mmm, my bad…ran into an old friend” you mumble into his chest. jaehyun just nods, still holding you. 

“alright fuckers, we’re hungry. let’s go!!” haechan yells from his seat in sungchan’s car. 

you and jae laugh, parting from each other. he opens the car door for you, and you accept happily. 

j: stop letting that fucking asshole touch you. 

you: why are you even watching us???

j: that’s how i hold you after im done rearranging your guts, he’ll never be me.

you roll your eyes at his jealous texts. the toxicity is real. 

you: what are you on about?

j: fuck jeong jaehyun that’s what. 

you: omg. bye jeno. 

j: don’t play with me, i’ll fuck you in front of him. 

you: is that a threat or a promise?

j: you into that ?? such a nasty little slut. 

you: your slut. now get off my phone, im with my friends. 

j: i love you

[ you liked this message ] 

—

“so~ what you been up too?” haechan asks you. you roll your eyes, biting the fry in your hand. 

you were seated in between haechan and jaehyun. the six of you guys occupied the booth in the back of the burger joint. it was just the four of you guys, but you guys ran into eric and sunwoo so haechan extended the invite. 

the more the merrier you guessed lol. 

“not much, i had practice yesterday…haven’t been there in awhile” you say, haechan nods in response. 

“ahh, fun. you like being back?” he asks with a full mouth of hamburger. you don’t even flinch at it, you guys are more than comfortable with each other. “i like it, I missed playing,” you respond.

you fiddle with the straw in your cup, you’re very full and kind of bored now. you watch everyone talk and chow down. haechan and sungchan are talking about some new girl on the cheer squad, sunwoo and jae are talking about god knows what. but eric…is looking at you. you hold eye contact with him, you wonder what he’s thinking. 

eric: can we talk? 

you look down at the text and look back up at eric. he nods at your phone, telling you to text back. 

you: …about?

eric: yk what yn…come on. pls?

you: idk eric…i don’t have anything to say.

eric: what? we almost kissed that night

eric: i gave you my sweater dude

eric: none of that meant anything? none of it? 

you: eric, i already told you…i like you as a friend. 

eric: you were gonna let me kiss you that night 

you: i know..and i shouldn’t have, i’m sorry

eric: i don’t want your sorry 

eric: i want you

eric: please, give me a chance yn

“can you take me home?” you whisper into jae’s ear. you clutch the bottom of his shirt tightly. 

“wha? are you ok?” he asks, too loud for your liking. you look at eric out of the side of your eye, he’s staring at the two of you. you were never good with confrontation, but in your defense you already shot him down. one time should be enough. 

“ok, babe let’s go.” he tells you, holding your hand. 

he guides you out the booth, helping you stand up. you clutch his hand tighter, just wanting to be home at this moment. “yoo, where are you guys going?” haechan slurs, obviously having had one too many beers. “i’m—” you cut him short. “s-say it’s because of you,” 

“i don’t feel too well, and she’s sleepy,” he lies with a pretty smile.

 you couldn’t have asked for better friends. 

eric looks like he’s about to say something but he doesn’t. he watches you quietly, walking away hand in hand with jaehyun. 

—

“so he made you feel uncomfortable?” kevin asks, fingers running through your strands. 

you nod, nuzzling your face into his lap, sleepiness overcoming your senses. “i know it’s kind of my fault—i shouldn’t have let him almost kiss me..” you confess. kevin hums in response, still rubbing your head. it was putting you to sleep, relaxation was inevitable due to his motions. 

“it was still a dick move though, i’m glad jae was there.” kevin says and you hum, agreeing with his statement. 

“so what’s up with you and lee?” he asks, figuring you would like a subject change. 

you shrug. 

“not sure, we’ve been fucking…a lot” you mumble, finger tracing the plaid pattern of his pajama pants. “—and he tells me he loves me, but i don’t know kev” you continue on. 

you didn’t want to ramble but you have lowkey been pondering on where the two of you will end up. especially since he’s been more open with his feelings and focusing on you more than he has ever before. there was just a tad bit of an issue.

!! lee jeno doesn’t date !!

duh! this has been the issue since the first time the two of you fucked, yet it feels different now…you can’t deny that. something deep down is telling you he’s going for a different approach but after what he pulled last time you’re not so sure. you don’t wanna be the dumb girl that continues to give your heart to the asshole that keeps breaking it. but then again, you’re a grown ass adult and can make your own grown ass decisions. who’s going to say something about it? 

—

“jeno, stop it!” you whined, kicking your legs like a child. 

you’ve been trying to do your homework for the past hour or so now and jeno keeps on bothering you. tickling, biting, licking, kissing, you name it, he’s done it. you’re splayed across his bed, laptop in sight but certainly not in use. jeno is standing in between your legs, looking down at you. 

“nooo, fuck your homework…cuddle with me” jeno whines. 

his hands trace your bare thighs, the pads of his fingertips tracing the faded hickeys and bite marks left by his mouth. you shiver at his cold touch.

“i dont think i’ve fucked you in this position” jeno whispers, gripping your waist as he bends down to be face to face with you. “um, yeah you did actually,” you tell him, mind dating back to that day he cuffed you and fucked you for not listening to him. you press your finger to his forehead, pushing his face away.

“i don’t remember…” he whispers, making his way up to your ear. “...i guess i’ll just have to do it again,” he says slyly, kissing your ear softly. 

jeno traces your skin with his nose, dragging it from your earlobe and down your neck slowly. he licks a stripe up your throat. you bite your lip, but you have to hold your own. 

“no jeno, not right now…later” you say, your voice betraying you. “you don’t sound so sure of yourself,” jeno laughs, pecking your cheek. “shut up, get off me” you roll your eyes, pushing at his chest knowing you can’t push him if your life depended on it. 

“gimme fifteen minutes, come on” he tells you, intertwining your fingers with his. 

“come on pretty…you know you want me too” he teases, grinding down on you with a sick smirk.

you did want him. when did you not? you roll your eyes at him, letting your head fall back onto the mattress. 

“good girl,” he snickers, kissing your nose. 

“yeah yeah, get on with it” you say. 

jeno falls to his knees, hands automatically grabbing your thighs. he hoists your open legs onto his shoulders. he eyes your panties, leaning forward to kiss your clothed heat. he looks up at you but your looking away. too embarrassed to watch right now. no matter how many times you guys fuck, you’re always shy. 

“look at me babygirl..” he says, voice muffled because his mouth is pressed against you. he pushes your panties to the side, tongue immediately going to tease your clit. you clutch the bedsheets under you, still refusing to look at him. jeno chuckles, arms wrapping tighter around your thighs. his hands squeeze your inner thighs, pinching the supple skin. jeno licks a stripe up your slit, moving his tongue in a circle atop your clit. you moan quietly, not too loud. 

He eyes you again, but you’re still looking away. he breathes out, teeth grazing your thighs. he bites down, sinking his teeth into your inner thigh. you jolt, sucking in a breath. 

“oh my god!” you shout, sitting up onto your elbows in a flash. “fucking listen to me” he says, licking over where he bit you to soothe the pain. a whine comes out your throat as you lay back down. jeno just laughs. 

“now…back to my meal,” he snickers. 

he continues to eat you out like a starved man. you learned your lesson, watching his every move. 

“fuck,” you stutter, struggling to keep your eyes open. jeno loves it. 

“keep em open, baby” he tells you in between licks to your heat. 

he sucks on your clit, middle and ring finger moving in and out of you quickly. your fingers dig into the sheets, gripping tightly to the fabric. you moan out loudly, thankful that the apartment is empty. 

“are you close?” jeno asks, and you nod furiously. 

he fastens his pace with his fingers, unattaching his mouth from you so he can get a good look at your face while you cum. a free hand goes up to squeeze your boobs, rolling your nipple in between his fingers. you let out a shaky moan as you feel that familiar fuzzy feeling in your gut. 

“i’m close–so close” you manage to say. 

jeno nods, licking his lips. he dips back down to your heat, sucking on your clit again. you arch your back at that, thighs squeezing against his face. jeno pushes your legs back open, a small grunt leaving his mouth as he does so. he twists his tongue every which way, getting you to your high. “f-fuck” is all you can mutter before you cum. 

jeno laps it all up. his saliva, your juices and release all mixed together making a slick mess. you push him away weakly, whining because your sensitive. jeno keeps eating though, not bothered by your weak attempt to get him to stop. 

“always so sweet,” he says with a toothy grin, wiping his face with the back of his hand. 

you don’t respond, just flipping him off. jeno rolls his eyes, grabbing your hand. he uses it to flip you over on your tummy. a small squeal of surprise leaves you, you weren’t expecting that. 

“you got your release, now i want mine” he tells you with a small smack to your ass. 

he climbs atop his bed, hands holding your hips. he pushes his clothed cock against your ass letting you feel how hard he is. you bite your lip in response. you were still sensitive. nonetheless you grind against him, rubbing your core against his boner. jeno lets out a low moan, pushing up against you too. you let your head fall against the mattress, hands laid flat against it to keep yourself upright. you swivel your hips, pushing harder against him. 

“fuck, im about to cum in my pants” jeno says and you laugh lightly.

jeno slips out of his sweats with a quickness, wanting to at least be in you for a few before he actually cums. he aligns himself with your hole, pushing all the way in. 

“a-ah, fuck” you say, looking back at jeno over your shoulder. 

“you’ve been taking my cock all week like a good girl, you don’t need to adjust anymore,” he says, pushing in and out of you at a quick pace. 

you can feel every vein on his cock, it’s making your head spin. he grips your hips, steadying himself as he drills you from the back. you squeeze your eyes shut, gripping the sheets under you tightly. you feel like you’re about to cum already. he fucks you fast and hard, his head thrown back girthy moans coming from his throat. sweat drips down his bare chest, a work of art he is. you were sure your hips were gonna bruise though as hard as he’s holding them. 

“always so fucking tight, i love it” jeno says, bending down to be right in your ear. 

he uses a hand to grip your thigh, pulling it forcing you to spread your legs wider. you yelp in surprise. his other hand presses to the small of your back, telling you to arch. 

“f-fuck, there you go–-good girl” he leaves a smack to your ass, fucking into you even harder. 

he’s no longer holding your hips. both his hands are holding the headboard, using it as leverage so he can drill you as hard as he wants. you let yourself go, not even bothering to say you were close. clenching down onto him as you release yourself. he moans at that, feeling the extra wetness. he doesn’t stop though, he keeps going. you feel your nerves going crazy, you were sensitive before but now you were extra sensitive. 

“i’m sensitive, jeno” you whine, using your hands to try and push his hips to make him stop. 

“move your fucking hands” he sneers. 

he grabs both your wrists, pinning them to your back. he continues to fuck you mercilessly. hot tears run down your face, pooling onto the bed sheets. he climbs up your body, making his way to your face. “cum for me, princess” he whispers to you. he kisses your face a couple of times. 

“come on, you can do it” he tells you. you shake your head vigorously. “i know you can do it baby,” he pressed a kiss to your cheek lovingly. 

it blows your mind how sweet he’s being. kissing on you while he fucks the shit out of you. backwards, but makes complete sense as far as lee jeno goes. you let go, that little knot in your tummy coming undone. jeno continues to push in and out of you, allowing you both to ride out your highs. you breathe heavily as you try to calm your nerves. you just came three times in a span of an hour. man he’s good. 

“you did so well,” jeno says as he presses a kiss to your forehead. 

“you’re not touching me for the next two weeks” you say, flicking his forehead. 

“now you know damn well,” jeno laughs, laying down next to you. 

—

“i wanna tattoo” jaehyun says. 

“woah, really? you’d look so hot” haechan says with a mouth full of food. 

“on everything, where do you want it?” you asked, sipping on the drink in front of you. 

you and the regulars were currently on a “once a month lunch date”. your very own friend holiday that you guys created to make sure you guys always stay in contact. today haechan and sungchan crashed you guys, but it’s fine. they’re basically your roommates too. 

“i’m thinking about the forearm” jae answers and you nod. 

“everytime you play everyone will be able to see it, good spot” kevin agrees. 

“do you know what you wanna get?” sungchan asks, jaehyun shakes his head no in response. 

“regular you already gets all the girls, now imagine when he’s tatted” sungchan jokes, you guys all laugh. “man, but i never see you with any” haechan says, looking at jae for answers. “kid you not, as long as we’ve been staying together he hasn’t brought one girl home—ever.” kevin says and you nod. “i can second that statement” you agree with kevin.

jaehyun rolls his eyes in response. “you guys are so embarrassing” he groans, toying with the food on his plate. “it’s true!” you and kevin say in unison. “kev brings home a new girl every week,” you start. “yeah, and yn used to bring jeno over everyday” kevin jokes. “haha, so funny kev. it was not everyday.” you give him a dirty look. “oh please, the man was practically living there,” he follows up. “oh my god, it was like…once or twice a week!” you defend yourself. jaehyun shakes his head with a laugh. 

“it was like everyday…” jae says, scratching the back of his head. 

“fucking traitor,” you mumble with a pout. 

“speaking of jeno…” kevin starts. 

“conversation over.” you shut him down right away. 

“come on, let’s talk about your potential baby daddy,” haechan teases. 

you roll your eyes in response to their teasing. 

“damn, no rubber? you’re wild yn” sungchan says with a laugh. 

“plastic is bad for the environment, you should be thanking me” you joke. 

the table erupts in laughter at your joke. 

“get the bill so we can get the hell out of here” 

—

you and jeno were cuddled up on the couch, flicking through selections on the TV. you were stuffing your face with the popcorn while he tried to find an anime you guys haven’t watched. 

“what about death note?” he asks. 

“love it, but i just rewatched it” you respond. 

“anohana?” “menma is kinda annoying,” “boruto?” “nah, the manga is better,” “full metal alchemist?” “i’m sleep already,” “oh my god. what about jojo’s?” “character design is trash as fuck, hard pass.” “I GIVE UP” jeno says. 

you look up at him like he’s crazy. 

“the hell is your problem?” you say with a mouth full of popcorn. 

“you’re so picky!” jeno sneers, handing you the remote. 

“next time i give you head i’m gonna bite the tip” you say, snatching the remote from him.  

“shut the hell up,” he laughs, wrapping an arm around you and leaning his head on your shoulder. 

“ew get off me, i’m mad at you” you tell him, jabbing your elbow into his middle. 

“just find something baby, damn” he whines, holding your arm in place so you don’t hit him. 

“the holy grail itself,” you say with a wide smile. 

“this? this is what you chose?” he says with a look of disgust. 

“i don’t take cowboy bebop slander, you can shut the fuck up” you say, waving your finger in his face dramatically. “you chose this over all those other choices? really?” his mouth is agape.

“you must’ve never seen this one,” you retort. “hell no, it’s old as fuck!” jeno laughs.”shut up and watch it, you’re gonna love it” you press play on the first episode. 

—

“someone’s been living the good life, huh?” yuta says with a smirk. 

jeno looks back at him confused. 

“huh?” yuta shakes his head, turning him around in the mirror. 

the red scratch marks and bite marks decorated all over his backside. yuta laughs, patting his shoulder. “i’m tryna get like you” sungchan laughs, joining in on the conversation. 

“different girls?” yuta asks and jeno shakes his head no with a disgusted expression. 

“haven’t so much as looked at another girl since i got mines,” he tells yuta, pulling his jersey over his body. 

yuta nods with an impressed expression. 

“so…we’re all thinking about the same girl, aren’t we” haechan says and all the boys start laughing. 

“tell yn we said cut her nails” yuta jokes, slapping the back of jeno’s head before he makes his way out. 

“go figure, look who’s calling me” sungchan laughs, turning his phone so everyone can see. 

jeno sits down on the bench slipping his cleats on. 

“what’s up babygirl” sungchan says when the call connects. 

he laughs at jeno’s glare. 

“wait what? slow down,” sungchan tell you, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

jeno perks up at his serious tone. he motions to his ear, sungchan tosses him his airpod case. 

“i don’t know, i just—can you come here, please?” you say, voice shaky. 

you sounded scared but jeno didn’t know why. he needed to know. 

“where is she at?” jeno mouthed and sungchan nodded. 

“where are you at, baby? send me your location, i’ll come get you” he says and you nod, doing as you were told. “okay, i sent it” you sniffled. jeno was losing his damn mind. why didn’t you call him? 

“don’t tell jeno, please…” you say, and sungchan looks up at him. 

jeno shakes his head no. 

“babe…i have to tell him,” he tells you. 

“no! please don’t, please chan…i’m begging you” you plead and sungchan nods. 

“ok, i won’t. i’m coming right now, don’t go anywhere.” he tells you and you shake your head yes. 

“ok, thank you…love you” you say before you hang up. 

“let’s go, now.” jeno says, grabbing his keys. 

—

“i told you not to tell him, sungchan!” you said, stomping your foot. 

you and sungchan were standing a few feet away from a pacing jeno. not super far but just out of earshot. 

“i couldn’t not tell him yn! he was right there when you called me,” sungchan said, defending himself. you groan, hands flying to your face. you sink down to the ground, shaking your head back and forth. sungchan rolls his eyes at your dramatic actions. he crouches down to be at your level, joining you on the floor. 

“he’s gonna fucking kill me” you mutter, squeezing your eyes shut. “come on, it can’t be that bad” sungchan tells you, rubbing your back. “i came here with eric!” you whisper shouted, looking back to see if jeno heard you. “oh….yeah you’re dead” sungchan says, scratching the back of his head with a sheepish smile. 

“come here yn,” jeno says. 

you swallow harshly, standing to your feet. you stuff your shaky hands into your sweater pockets. shuffling towards where jeno stands, your eyes watch the gravel under your sneakers. once you're in arms length, he grabs your forearm, tugging you towards the back seat. he opens the door aggressively, jerking his chin forward telling you to climb in. you do so, sitting in the middle seat. you fold your hands and rest them on your thighs. jeno tosses sungchan the keys before he climbs into the back seat. 

—

the air is thick. awkward and super quiet. even though there’s music playing it still seems super quiet. you look over at jeno. he’s staring out the window, jaw clenched tightly. even the grip he has on your thigh is strong. 

“j-jeno?” you whisper. 

he doesn’t respond, he just turns to look at you. 

“if you’re not gonna tell me why you were here, i don’t wanna hear shit from your mouth” he sneers. you flinch, his words hurt you. he’s never talked to you like that before. 

“i-i was here with someone…but something came up! i j-just needed a ride home” you lie, believably so at that. jeno wasn’t buying it though. he knows you too well. 

“you’re lying. don’t fucking lie to me, yn” jeno says, he raises his eyebrows at you. 

his serious expression made your stomach churn. 

“i was here with eric…” you admit. 

“i knew it! i fucking knew it—dammit!” jeno yells, fists flying full force to punch the passenger seat in front of him. 

“why? why were you with that son of a bitch?” he asks you, rage evident in his voice. 

you hiccup, trying to calm yourself down and steady your nerves. you scoot back from him, sliding into the seat on your left hand side. 

“it wasn’t anything like that! he wanted to talk, and that’s all we did…” you started. jeno rolls his neck from side to side. jaw still clenched as he stretches his muscles. “he didn’t like my answer to him, so he kicked me out of his car and left me there” you shrugged. 

“he did what?!” sungchan and jeno shouted at the same time. 

“this is why i didn’t want to say anything!” you whined, hitting your head on the back of sungchan’s seat groaning. 

“sungchan take me home, please” you say to your friend. he nods, picking up his phone to type your address in. 

“you don’t wanna come home with me?” jeno asks and you shake your head. 

“i think we both need some time alone,” you tell jeno. “fuck that, i wanna be with you.” he tells you. “did you not see how you just reacted?! you need to blow some steam off, away from me” you shake your head, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“whatever yn,” jeno scoffs. 

“fucking kids” sungchan laughs, continuing to drive. 

—

“ow! stop, i’m sorry!” kevin cried as you pinched his ear. jeno and the other boys watched in amusement as you inflicted pain on the boy. “twist it!” haechan yelled out with a laugh. sungchan giggled, slapping haechan’s arm as he snorted loudly. 

“are you gonna do it again?” you ask tauntingly, kevin nods vigorously. “no, i swear to fucking god–just stop” kevin cries out, and you let him go. he pouts, hand flying to rub his throbbing ear. 

“and fuck you, haechan!” kevin sneers, chucking a pillow in his direction. 

you laugh as you make your way over to jeno. you climb onto his lap, making yourself comfortable on his lap. you snuggle into him, his hands wrapping around you. 

“you’re a little bitch,” jeno whispers, kissing your face. “mhm, what are you gonna do about it?” you stick your tongue out at him. he shakes his head, pinching your thigh. you whine, pushing his hand away. “yeah, that’s what i thought, don’t act tough with me” jeno says and you giggle, nodding your head. 

“haechan would be a really good name for y’all kid” hae says, tossing a pillow at the two of you. jeno catches it, throwing it back his way. “i don’t know why the fuck you thought our pitcher wouldn’t catch that” sungchan deadpans. 

"can you like shut the hell up? i like you better when you're not talking" haechan says, flinching at the taller boy.

“fuck no, kevin is a way better name!” kevin shouted, slapping the back of haechan’s head. “all i know is…i wanna be the godparent,” sungchan says with a wide smile. 

—

prev | part iii | next

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[offsidekineticist]

Ohhhh this took forever, and it was genuinely painful to write at times, but I did it. Mind the CWs, this chapter is less "fantasy action and True Love's Kiss" and more "watching a loved one struggle to adjust to a new disability really fucking sucks, doesn't it?" Although those who have played the Hell's Rebels AP will probably have fun with the references.

CW: debilitating chronic pain, medical gore/hypothetical body horror, rationing of medication, doctors one after the other saying they can't help, implied suicidal ideation, looming possibility of unmedicated chronic pain, loss of religious support, subversion of due process, toxic family dynamic, mentions of bookburning and purges, and the desecration of remains and exploitation of tragedies for the entertainment of the Public

Excellent Work

You wake to the sound of pained hisses and groans and whimpers, almost as exhausted you were when you went to sleep. You slip out of the oversized bed and walk to the other side. Theo is burrowed into Giliys's chest, arms crossed over his own chest with his eyes squeezed shut, tears sliding down his face. Giliys, wide awake, is cradling Theo's head in his arms. He glares at you.

"Is the pain bad enough now?" Giliys demands accusingly. You ignore him as you retrieve the bottle of flayleaf extract. Theo was doing better earlier. You had thought he'd be alright until morning, but the chill of the night must have brought the pain back with a vengeance. You measure out an amount you hope will be enough to let Theo go back to sleep–or start sleeping, if he never fell asleep in the first place.

"Theo, can you hear me?" you ask, holding the spoon of flayleaf extract in your hand. He nods with a whimper. "Alright, I have some medicine to help with the pain. Open your mouth?"

He obeys, keeping his eyes shut, and you bring the spoon to his mouth. He swallows the extract, and you take back the spoon. It takes a few minutes, but the sounds of pain gradually become less frequent, and then stop altogether as the exhaustion puts Theo to sleep.

"I told you, you don't have to ration it. If they won't believe you're a healer, I can get more," Giliys hisses.

"The last thing we need is one of us getting arrested for drug smuggling," you snap. "And I don't trust the quality you'd be getting, either. We need to make it last until I can find a healer who can fix his hands."

"If you haven't found one yet, you're not going to find one without heading to Absalom. You need to figure out a way to get him regular meds–he can't live like this."

You take a deep breath to avoid snapping. You know this isn't tenable. You're a goddamned healer, of course you know Theo can't live like this. But you're already doing the best you can. It's been a month, and the best you've been able to do for his hands is immobilize them in crude splints made of bandages and tongue depressors. Your healing magic is useless because his bones have been crushed to the point that you can't set them without surgery, and you can't use healing magic on bones that haven't been set right because that's how you get bony growths piercing through skin and creating a constant infection risk. You've tried to find a healer who can help him–almost every day since he's been strong enough to walk, you've dragged Theo up to Temple Hill, going from temple to temple looking for help. It always ends the same way: another healer, face drained of color, apologetically explaining this is beyond their ability to heal while you carefully re-splint Theo's exposed fingers and pretend not to notice his tears.

Giliys is right, though. Theo's pain is too intense for you to manage while also rationing your remaining supply of medicine. You keep overestimating how much he can go without so you keep having to give him even larger doses to bring his pain back under control. It's become a vicious cycle that's depleting your supply far more quickly than you expected. Something needs to be done.

"I'll contact the church," you finally say. "If I can get the priests to vouch for me, I can get the credentials I need to order more medicine legally. Then it will just be a matter of finding the money."

Giliys gives you a disbelieving stare. "It can't be that easy. You'd have done it by now if it was that easy."

"I was prioritizing finding a permanent solution so we could use our money on the permanent solution, but since that solution seems farther away than expected, I am reprioritizing."

"They're gonna be pissed at you, aren't they?" Giliys asks, eyes widening in realization. "Shit, Qweck–you don't have to go back to them, I'll figure something out–"

"I'm a cleric, not a slave," you snap, too exhausted to deal with Giliys conflating accountability with abuse yet again. "I won't be flogged for returning after an…error of judgment."

His expression closes off at that. "Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say, princess. I'm gonna get some sleep." He closes his eyes, and you get the feeling he would have rolled over to face away from you if he could move without disturbing Theo.

You return to your side of the bed, but you don't sleep. You haven't just been avoiding this because of priorities. You aren't a slave and you won't be flogged, but that doesn't mean reporting to your former colleagues after abandoning your duties to commit a novel's worth of crimes will be pleasant. Especially not when you need something from them. 

You lay awake through the telltale signs of morning–first the moonlight disappears, then you hear the sound of dockworkers leaving their homes to go to work. Then you hear children giggling on their way to school. It is only after you hear the shouts of the newscryer that you see sunlight peeking through the windows. The sun rises late in Kintargo–it takes time to rise past the peaks of the Menador Mountains. You still aren't used to it.

You don't stir until Theo does. You're too afraid of waking him, given how little he sleeps these days. You would guess it's about an hour after sunrise when his eyes open with a groan. Giliys wakes immediately, and the three of you begin what has become your morning routine. You put on a pair of flowy trousers and then tie a sash around your waist over the chemise you wore to bed before beginning to prepare breakfast while Giliys, still only half-dressed himself, helps Theo get dressed. You were surprised at first to see how adept Giliys is at this task, easily managing Theo's clothes and disarming his pride with unexpectedly earnest assurances of "allow me" and "here, I've got that" and so on.  

"Shave?" Giliys asks as he does every morning. 

"No," Theo says flatly as he does every morning, apparently unbothered by the patchy, scraggly not-quite-a-beard on his face. He used to shave daily, absolutely meticulous about his appearance. You suspect he doesn't trust an assassin to hold a razor blade to his throat. Then again, he won't let you shave him, either.

There's no table or chairs in your apartment, so the three of you sit on the floor to eat the rest of yesterday's leftovers, preserved with the same magic you were taught to preserve corpses. You know there are other spells that can conjure food out of thin air–you ate such food regularly during your days as a novice training at the monastery before your ordination–but you never learned such spells. According to Giliys you never learned to make food without magic, either, though he usually keeps his opinion of your cooking to himself until he's at least tasted the food, which usually isn't until after Theo has finished eating. Theo rarely comments on the food at all. Instead he just gets more irritated as Giliys has to spoon feed him because he can't hold anything with his hands splinted as they are. 

You finish your meal before Giliys is even halfway through spooning the leftover shellfish stew for Theo. You put your empty bowl on the cold stovetop–Giliys will take care of washing the dishes while you're out–and slip on your shoes before offering your farewells and heading out the door. 

Hocum's Phantasmagorium has been abandoned since long before your arrival in the city, apparently created by a man allegedly eager to spread joy and wonder in the wake of the then recently ended Chelish Civil War. You were born too late to have seen that time, but given the dark looks and sullen silence you got whenever you tried to ask Theo about that time as a child, you feel it is safe to assume joy was in short supply in those days.

Whatever the intent of this Mr. Hocum, you can't help but feel the downfall of his business was a boon to the city. Walking through what's left of the exhibits, the degree of misinformation and shameless, voyeuristic exploitation of tragedies (such as the Temple Hill Slasher's murder spree) strikes you as tasteless at best. Let the Opera house and dancehalls bring joy to the city. They do not display the remains of sasquatches - intelligent humanoids - for entertainment.

You idly wonder if there is some way of laying those bones to rest, some family of sasquatches that would be grateful to have their remains returned, as you approach the reason for your trespass in this supposedly abandoned building: a statue of Aroden nestled in a small alcove. The god of prophecies is dead and hears prayers no more, but you are not here to pay tribute. You have to climb up the statue to reach it–this place was built by tallfolk–but on the statue's chest, circled by Azlanti runes, is Araden's holy symbol, the eye of Aroden. Blind as it may be, it still has its uses. You turn the pupil of the eye, pointing it from rune to rune, until you have spelled the name of the Master of Masters whom Aroden once called friend: IRORI.

With a groan of stone scraping stone, the statue moves, and you release your grip on the dead god's arm to leap back to the floor outside the alcove. The statue stops, revealing a spiral staircase to the basement below, and you descend to the only place in Kintargo dedicated to Irori: the Many-Steps Monastery

You had always intended to visit this monastery. Built from the basement of Hocum's museum after it closed, it served as a treasure trove of pre-Thrune art, literature, and history. Its existence was not commonly known in the church of Irori, but Giliys caught wind of it through contacts with the Bellflower Network, so he passed the information onto you. That is how you first came in contact with the Sacred Order of Archivists–the order of Irorian scholars dedicated to preserving Chelish history and culture–a connection that proved fruitful through the years until they suddenly went silent. The only explanation you received was that their sudden silence coincided with "The Night of Ashes" and the late Barzillai Thrune's crackdown on Kintargan dissidents.

If you look closely, you can still see evidence of Thrune's raid–scorch marks on walls, occasional burgundy stains on the floor–but for the most part the place seems ready for scholars to return. Based on the Message you received not long after your arrival in Kintargo, they already have. Or, rather, one has.

You find Corvinius Basad in one of the scholar's cells, standing over an open book laid out on the desk in front of him. He holds his hand, glowing pale blue with divine power, over a book, opened to a section where pages have been torn out. He is older than you remember from your days as novices–the long braid looped around his neck, typical of the Irorian priesthood, is streaked with gray, and his face is now lined from age–but that is to be expected. That was a quarter of a century ago, and humans age so much faster than gnomes.

"Just a moment," Corvinius says, not looking up from the mutilated text before him. Before you can reply, the tattered remains of one of the torn out pages begins to shift and then grow. You stare in awe as the book seems to heal before your very eyes, and a single page, ink and all, is restored.

"How did you do that?" You blurt out as Corvinius straightens and wipes a bead of sweat from his brow. He grins.

"Wonderful, isn't it? A little trick I picked up from a friend. She uses it for somewhat less altruistic purposes, which is likely why it can only be used to restore a single page at a time." He grimaces. "It's slow going, but the alternative is to allow what the Asmodeans destroyed to be lost forever. In any case, it is good to see you again, Sister." He bows his head slightly in greeting, and you return the gesture with some embarrassment.

"And you as well, Brother. Forgive my rudeness–I did not expect to see a miracle performed today."

Corvinius snorts. "I heal books one page at a time, sister. You heal bodies with a single spell. Which of us is the miracle worker?"

You nod politely, trying to keep the flare of guilt from your face. You wouldn't be here if you were a miracle worker. 

"I am, nonetheless, glad you are so intrigued," Corvinius continues, sitting down at the desk and, with loving care, gently setting aside the book he was repairing. "Because this work is why I contacted you."

That surprises you. You had assumed that Corvinius, as the nearest representative of the Church, had been tasked with convening a hearing that would determine the severity of your Censure for abandoning your post, and you tell him as much. Corvinius seems surprised, and then strokes his chin thoughtfully.

"Of course–I had assumed news would have reached you, but in retrospect, things being as they are–" he pulls himself from his thoughts and meets your gaze. "An emergency hearing was held without you. Very irregular, but, under the circumstances, politically necessary."

"Politically necessary," you repeat.

"Well, yes. Thrune wipes out an lrorian order for hoarding banned books, and just over a year later an Irorian priest rampages through a hellknight citadel to rescue a dissident also accused of hoarding banned books? The church in Cheliax has been walking a tightrope for years now. They can't be associated with the most wanted woman in Cheliax."

A yawning void opens in the pit of your stomach. There's only one way the church could avoid being associated with one of its priests. "I've been excommunicated, haven't l?" 

To be excommunicated is a priest's worst nightmare. It is to be barred from participating in church life or holy rituals, no longer entitled to the support or assistance of the church. It is a punishment reserved for those who have committed unrepentant anathema against their god, usually only enacted after Irori himself has expressed his rejection by taking back their divine powers or cursing them for their blasphemy. It is a punishment always handed down by a council of elders after lengthy deliberation that always includes the testimony of the accused. To excommunicate someone in absentia when they have neither committed anathema nor been subject to divine punishment would be a travesty–it should not happen.

And yet, even before Corvinius answers, you know that it has, and you understand why. 

In a gesture far too nonchalant for the situation, Corvinius holds up his hand and wiggles it in a "so-so" type motion.

"You've been excommunicated in Cheliax. I doubt anyone outside Cheliax will care, assuming lrori hasn't taken back his power–he hasn't, has he?"

"No, of course not!" you say, momentarily losing your composure at the mere idea that you would commit a sin egregious enough that Irori himself would take notice.

"There you go. And, for the time being at least, Kintargo is not in Cheliax. So when l ask if you would be willing to join me in rebuilding the Sacred Order and its collection, I am a servant of Irori requesting assistance from a fellow servant of lrori."

Still reeling from your excommunication, it takes a moment to process what is being asked of you–long enough that Corvinius continues. "Ultimately I'd like to renovate the building above so the entire complex can be a temple. True, it's not Temple Hill, but I personally see that as a boon. We will be accessible to those who need us most. That's all in the future, of course–until we know we are safe here, we'll continue to keep the order and the monastery secret. We can't risk the church being associated with even more dissident activity. For now the most pressing matter–"

"You realized I abandoned my flock, yes?" you interrupt. "Politics or no, I should be censured for my actions."

Corvinius shrugs. "I am less inclined to judge you for that. There were extenuating circumstances. And even if there weren't…I am attempting to restore an entire library of damaged books one page at a time. I need help. And, given the circumstances of your alleged excommunication, I thought you and your compatriots might be interested in our work. Or at least in a place to stay rent-free in exchange for fixing books."

You can feel the blood drain out of your face at the thought of that. You can't ask that of Theo–he's too lost, too fragile. He won't see the danger, won't see how precarious Ravounel's independence is, how easily history could repeat itself. You can still see him as he was when you found him, emaciated and exhausted, body battered and wounded and covered with dried blood and filth, hands mangled and crushed and the haunted look in his eyes–

"Absolutely not," you say with more vehemence than you intend. "I'm not here so you can draft my f–my friend into a doomed secret society when he can't even turn a page on his own." 

Corvinius's eyes widen in surprise. "Obviously it would be his choice, I have no intention of-"

"No. He's not–they had him for weeks, do you understand? Do you have any idea what that does to a person? What they do to people? He can't go through that again. It would destroy him."

"May I ask–no, nevermind."

He backtracks quickly, and so you are intrigued. "Ask what?"

"Nothing–the question would have been inappropriate."

You squint at him warily. "Now I have to know what it was."

"I don't–"

"Just ask the goddamned question, Corv!"

Corvinius sighs. "Fine. I wanted to ask who are you trying to protect? Him or yourself?"

Rage blooms in your chest. How dare he? "I gave up everything to save Theo, and you have the gall to question whether I'm trying to protect him?" 

"I only meant–"

"No. Nuh-uh. Stop. I don't give a fuck what you meant. The answer is no. I'm not here to let you prey on my father when he's too weak to stand up for himself, I'm here to get a representative of the Church of lrori to vouch for my credentials so I can get him the meds he needs for his life not to feel like a tribute to Zon-Kuthon. Now can you do that?"

He looks almost regretful. "The Church of Irori can't officially be in Kintargo until the situation has stabilized–it could put all of our brethren at–" 

"Yes or no, Corv?"

"No. But I–"

"Fine. Thanks for nothing."

You think you hear him calling after you as you storm out, but you're not inclined to listen. You're fuming the whole way up the spiral steps and back through the tacky so-called museum. How dare he try to take advantage of your situation? How dare he try to recruit you immediately after revealing your excommunication? How dare he reveal that and then dismiss it as nothing?

The most galling part is that if he hadn't been so slimy about it, you would probably have agreed–not to recruiting Theo, of course, but to joining him yourself. It's not as if you hate the idea. You were close as novices, and though you've both changed, it would have been nice to have the chance to catch up. And while you'd hate spending your days casting the same spell over and over, spending days restoring a single book, you believe in the cause, and you're willing to endure tedium for the sake of your beliefs.

But dragging Theo into it? When you're still not certain Ravounel will be able to maintain its independence, and Corvinius is rebuilding the order in the same place Thrune already raided? Theo is already so broken from what happened in Rivad, and Corvinius has the gall to ask more of him? You should be planning your escape in case Ravounel is reoccupied, not joining a secret society that has already died once! 

Still furious, you return to the apartment to find Theo and Giliys in their usual places. Theoven sits cross-legged on the oversized bed, slouched forward to read a book laid flat in front of him, Giliys sitting beside him, dutifully turning pages at his signal. Giliys turns at the sound of the door opening and gives you a perfunctory nod. To your surprise, Theo looks up from his reading at the sound of your entry. 

"Welcome back," Theo says, and the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end because it's the most like himself he's seemed in weeks, but it's so unfamiliar to you now that it feels like a trick. "Giliys said you were going to speak to the Irorians about your credentials," he continues, and you relax slightly–the other shoe has dropped. “How did it go?"

"The Church of lrori does not have an official presence in Kintargo, and it will not until Ravounel's independence is more secure," you recite. Theo does not let his emotions show on his face, but it's not hard to guess his thoughts on the matter. 

"And unofficially?"

You shouldn't be so transparent to those outside the church, especially someone with such a big target on his back, but, truthfully, you're beyond caring. If Theo is going to have to resort to Giliys's black market contacts to manage his pain, he deserves to know why. "Unofficially they're setting up a monastery at the headquarters of a lost Irorian order."

"The Sacred Order of Archivists?" Theoven asks, and you have to stop yourself from gaping.

"How do you know about them?"

"Giliys mentioned them, years ago."

You roll your eyes with a sigh. "Of course he did." It's a silly thing to be upset about at this point, but it still galls you just how blatantly Giliys ignored your admonitions to leave your family out of your resistance work.  

"The guy already had more illegal books than I'd seen in the rest of my life fucking combined," Giliys explains defensively. "I just thought he might want to–"

"You knew about the books?" you interrupt. Giliys freezes for a second before doing his best to feign nonchalance.

"I mean, I didn't know just how fucking many he had. He just kept trying to lend them to me before he figured out I couldn't fucking read–"

"When you destroyed one of them," Theo says, and you can tell his patience is beginning to fray. Giliys slouches slightly.

"I said I was sorry," he says with a meekness that seems wrong coming from him.

"Sorry doesn't bring back priceless artifacts of pre-Thrune Chelaxian culture," Theo observes, the claws beginning to come out.

"But you found out–it was an accident?" you interrupt, because you need to know and the conversation is going to die with the last of Theo's patience. "Like you went through his bag when he wasn't looking or–or something?"

Giliys looks uncomfortable now. "No, he, uh, he just loaned me a book and said to be careful cuz it was very rare and also incredibly fucking illegal."

You don't know what to say to that. Theo had never even hinted to you that he owned anything untoward, but he just handed the evidence of a potentially capital crime to an assassin because he thought he'd enjoy some light reading?

Clearing his throat, Giliys starts again. "So, uh, yeah, I thought he might be interested in getting in touch with the order, but he said you'd get more use out of that, so–"

"You told him first?!" 

"I am sitting right here, if you would like to lodge a complaint," Theo says, crossing his arms, an unusual edge to his voice. "Not that you have much of a leg to stand on, given how adamant you were that I never find out about your resistance work."

You don't physically flinch, but your insides recoil at the accusation. "I was trying to protect you."

"Yes, excellent work on that, by the way."

There is something inside you–something steadfast and solid that has been straining to carry you through this ordeal. You can hear it crack under the force of that jab.

"She did her best, Thay," Giliys says quietly as you listen to the cracks spread.

"It doesn't really matter when her best leaves me unable to feed myself, does it?" Theo retorts flatly, not even glancing in Giliys's direction and holding up a bandaged hand for emphasis, and you feel a flare of frustration.

"It's not forever," you insist. "We'll find you a healer who can fix your hands, you just have to be patient."

Charcoal gray eyes flash dangerously as he speaks. "Patient? I have been nothing if not patient while you drag me from useless healer to useless healer because your pride can't stand the idea that maybe there's something you can't fix."

Corvinius's words echo in your ears. Who are you trying to protect? The anger flares in your chest anew. "You have no business lecturing me on pride, not with the stunts you've been pulling."

Refusing to eat because he can't stand being spoon fed; routinely soiling himself for days before breaking down and accepting help with the toilet; almost killing himself trying to shave–the past few weeks have taught you that Theoven Derenge is nothing if not proud.

"Forgive me for not being the perfect patient. I had assumed it was acceptable to be imperfect considering I am being cared for by a blatantly imperfect priest."

You almost snarl at the jab at your commitment to your faith, but your self-control wins out. "Would you rather I let you die in Rivad so I could be a more perfect priest?"

He has the audacity to shrug. "At the very least, I'd get some peace and quiet."

You gape at him. "I abandoned my calling to break you out. Giliys and Kob almost died before we even found you. And you're so determined not to show gratitude that you'd say something like that?"

"I never asked anyone to do anything for me. That was your decision," Theo retorts, voice chillingly even. "Nobody is stopping you from going back to your calling. Perhaps you'll actually be useful there."

"Okay, maybe we should all just shut the fuck up now before someone somehow says something even fucking worse," Giliys interjects, finally regaining some of his usual bravado. Neither of you acknowledge him.

"Useful?!" You exclaim voice rising. "Who healed your wounds? Who splinted your hands? Who has been measuring out your medicine?"

"You refuse to give me enough medicine to get me through the night and expect me to be grateful?"

"I thought it was enough!"

"Because you were too much of a coward to face your church if you didn't have to."

It feels like a slap in the face, the even tone he says it in just rubbing salt in the wound because he seems so damnably calm. The cracks spread, loudly.

"I don't have to put up with this," you say, working hard to keep your voice from cracking. "You understand? I don't have to stay."

"Then don't. There's not much of my life left to destroy, so your work here is done, isn't it?"

The cracks go silent as that thing inside you finally shatters, and everything suddenly feels clear for the first time since hearing of Theo's arrest. You turn and pick up your doctor's bag from its resting place next to the door before turning back to Theo and holding eye contact.

"I will be back in two weeks to take off the splints," you say. "Unless you decide you'd rather take them off yourself than trust an imperfect coward." 

If Theo has any visible reaction, you don't notice it before you turn and go out the door. You make it perhaps five steps down the rickety flight of wooden stairs before you're stopped by a desperate cry.

"Qweck! Wait!" It's Giliys, racing out the door after you, closing the door behind him before hurrying to your side and speaking in hushed tones. "That's not him–it's just the pain talking. You know he doesn't mean that. You know–"

"No, Giliys, I don't," you say, your voice louder than his–you don't have it in you to care if Theo can hear you. "What I know is I've given up everything to help that man, and he still thinks of me as an arrogant coward who ruined his life."

"He doesn't think that! He's just–he's scared. He knows we're almost out of meds, and he knows what that means, and he's fucking terrified."

"And I can't help him. I tried, but I don't have a way of getting him more medicine."

"I can take care of the meds, but I need your help to take care of him–I know I'm usually the one helping him eat and read and wipe his ass, but you help him by being here. I swear–he hates me, Qweck. You're what makes the situation bearable for him."

You stare at him incredulously, your mind replaying the scene from last night: Theo desperately clinging to Giliys for comfort while the pain steals his ability to function. "Giliys. A blind man could see that he doesn't hate you. He's just too broken to love well."

It's a cruel thing to say, but you're too exhausted for compassion. Giliys's face shifts from pleading to angry. "You take that back. He's strong, he'll heal, it's just going to take time, and he needs us."

"Then maybe he should treat us better." You take a deep breath. "Like I said, I'll be back to check on his splints. Maybe the time apart will help."

"And where will you go?" Giliys demands. "And don't say the Sacred Order, you're on a short enough fuse these days that there's no way you didn't fly off fucking the handle when they told you to fuck off."

Damn him. Damn him for knowing you that well. "I don't care. If I need to sleep on the street to get a break from his bullshit, I fucking will." 

Giliys face falls. He closes his eyes and takes a breath before bringing a hand to his forehead. "Okay, okay. Look. If you're that sure…go to the Long Roads Coffeehouse in the Villegre district. Talk to Laria, tell her Giliys sent you. She'll probably expect you to work but…you might find the work more familiar than you'd think."

She's a Bellflower contact, then. Some of the heaviness in your chest lifts at that–the thought of working with the Network again, doing work that matters, feels like a balm to your soul. It will be nice to be useful again. You nod. "Thank you, Giliys."

His hand shifts upward from his forehead to grip his hair. "Yeah, yeah. I, uh, I'll try talking to him." You're certain that he won't–he's too afraid of upsetting Theo–but you appreciate the sentiment. "Maybe this will be a wakeup call."

"Maybe," you say, but you don't know. You normally would expect Theo to own up to his mistakes, but you would also never expect him to be like this in the first place. "Look…whatever flayleaf you find, bring it to me before you give it to him, OK? I'll make sure it's safe and show you the right dosage–and don't give him more than I tell you. If he needs a higher dose, come find me, and I'll tell you what's safe, ok?" You sigh. "I'll…probably be back. Not probably, I will be. I just…I need a break."

Giliys nods, relief plain on his face. "Yeah. Will do. Take care of yourself, OK?"

"You too, Giliys."

You continue down the staircase. You look back up when you reach the street to find Giliys still there. He watches you go until you are out of sight with what you suspect might be longing, and you wonder with some guilt how long until he leaves, too.

#the (completely platonic!) breakup arc #part 12 #pathfinder wotr #pwotr pals #oc: theoven derenge #oc: giliys #oc: qweck #oc: corvinius basad #sorry guys

[olderthannetfic]

I've stopped wearing merch for most fandoms in public, or expressing interest with strangers irl because I'm scared that people will call me out for being a pro-sh*pper or engaging with problematic content. ¶

Like, I'm never going to understand every bit of nuance to every show ever. Some antis will dub an entire piece of media problematic because one voice actor was charged with SA ten years after the show came out. Am I supposed to know that [x] character is a racist stereotype against [y] group, just like, intrinsically? ¶

It's so tiring to try and keep up with all this nuance that I've just gone back to hiding the fact that I engage in anything more specific than "superhero comics" where I can just pretend that the problematic material didn't happen in my canon. It's like it's 2008 again and I wouldn't admit to reading fanfic if you held a gun to my head.¶

There was like a good 3-5 years for me where I could drag my friends by their ankles into fandom and hand them notebooks filled with my early fics, and now I can't even play "Paint it Black" in the car without my passenger telling me that it's problematic to cast a woman of color as a bully archetype. ¶

I'm certainly no fandom elder, I'm in my early 20s, but it feels like once Twitter became a fandom space, it was all downhill from there. And I can't help but feel like this purity culture does more harm than good by removing all the nuance and making everyone that much more susceptible to propaganda. And it's obnoxious that I got those 3-5 good years and saw what fandom could be like before it was ruined.¶

Ant/s have controlled the narrative and branded themselves as these bastions of "good fandom" and anyone who disagrees with them is an irl pedophile or something. Purity culture is exactly the reason ff.net has fallen in the eyes of a lot of us. ¶

As a fandom elder, maybe you've seen this happen? I've been tempted to block mutuals for posting anti-AO3 takes even though we're good friends in specific fandoms. I have actually slowly dropped contact with real life friends for their takes when I moved to college and stopped seeing them every day. It's just.... So exhausting. I just wanna read my 30th hurt/comfort fic in a row in peace, ya know? ¶

~🧰

--

This isn't something I ever experienced. When I was your age, the reactionary stupidity was of a different flavor. (We were still young, excitable dumbasses and everyone picked up a new and passionate conviction freshman year of college, but they were different passionate convictions.)

I absolutely drop people for being antis the same as I would drop them for being a racist or opposing abortion access or otherwise having disgraceful political stances I don't want in my space.

Twitter has done a lot of harm, but I also think some of this is a problem of being out of step with people one's own age. That gets much better as you get older and people have friend groups with a much wider age spread and/or people one's own age grow in different directions.

[kiefbowl]

how do you deal with being a lot smarter/ having your brain work in a different way than most people? I see you get bored at work quickly. How does it translate in interpersonal relationships? Do you make friends easily (real friends, not acquaintances you are friendly with)? was it hard finding a partner that could keep up? Do you find most people boring rather fast? Do you spend more time by yourself, in hobbies that don't require too much contact with other people? just curious as it seems we work the same way for a lot a things.

Hmmm...I don't think I'm "smarter" than most people, I think I have a high efficiency in logic, and I had a lot of good opportunities to be exposed to many different topics in my education, including philosophical topics like epistemology (how do you know something) that are helpful tools. I don't think the things I've learned require any innate intelligence to understand, in fact I think most people could understand given the opportunity. I think in retrospect my logical prowess (brag) had a downside of me being rather rigid and also sometimes assuming something I believed came from logic rather than belief, especially religion when I was a teen. In any case, that's something I'm better at now. I'm also more comfortable than ever going "I don't know." Also, once you get to that point of being comfortable saying "I don't know", you learn quickly how much you're saying it. Fucking don't know anything really lol.

I get bored easily because most people do. Frankly, you just have to lower your expectations at work. You're not going to get to do the things your best suited for all the time. I'm making a switch into a high paced, high pressure career because honestly I've learned about me that I thrive in that condition. I hate having nothing to do at work, it feels like a waste of my time. When I have a job that asks me to have 6 things in my head at once, I do great. When I have a job that asks me to get one thing done, then get another thing done, I get neither done because I'm on tumblr all day procrastinating. Sometimes to figure out who you really are you just have to do a bit of everything for ten years, it's fine.

I make friends fine, there's some struggle because I love really intimate conversation the most, and I find that hard to ask for lately. Also, you get older, parties are fewer and far between. People just have things to do, so you have to find your own thing to do, too. It's better investing in classes and skills than going out to drink every weekend, believe me (or don't).

My bf and I are different in a lot of ways. Our relationship does not always look like the relationship I had in my head when I thought of my "dream relationship" and that's okay. I don't know if he "keeps up" with me, he doesn't have the same skill at debate as me tbh and sometimes he doesn't even try cause he knows I'll win, which isn't very satisfying for a debater (me lol). But life's not just about winning arguments, sometimes it's about hanging out and watching tv together and walking the dog. I think he's taught me that making everything an intellectual exercise is actually exhausting and sometimes it's nice to just say well I guessed I liked that and not think much else. I have other people to pick apart media and politics with.

No, I find people endlessly fascinating. People have better stories than I could ever dream up in my head. I love people. I want to cozy up with anyone in a little cafe and hear their life story and pick their brain apart. Even if I end up disliking them, it's fun to armchair psychoanalyze them in my head lol.

Ehhh, lately yes I spend a lot of time by myself. I don't know if I'm happier that way or that's just how it's shaked out after the pandemic, but I'm much more comfortable being alone than I was as a teen. Even in my relationship, we just sometimes do our own thing in the same space, and I like that more than ever. However, I am hoping my new career will get me in contact with lots of new people. I've said this before not too long ago, but I personally think if your friendships are getting stale, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or them, you just need more variety in your life. You have to miss them sometimes to make the relationship stronger. I also have someone I've been getting closer too lately in the past few weeks that I'm excited to extend a more intimate request of friendship soon. I hope she'll say yes to brunch I really want to talk to her more and want to be close friends with her :)

Anon, I'm glad you can see something in me that reminds you of you. Hold on to that as proof that people like you are out there, and you probably have more things in common with all people than you might realize. Also, you will change. Things change. I'm not old but I'm older, and I can tell. When being a homebody gets boring, you'll become a social butterfly. When that gets stale, you'll become a homebody again. It's the way of things.

Good luck sis :)

[jayteacups]

goodbye (+ good riddance) 2023...

(we're getting a little personal and sort of vent-y in the first half, sorry in advance. for that reason, reblogs are turned off)

2023 has been, to put it lightly, one of the worst years of my life when it comes to personal stuff. Things at uni took a nosedive real fast, basically. I'm now working on a transfer application to another one, and it looks like I'm gonna be a student for way longer than I expected, which really isn't helping with my FOMO, because my uni experience made me deeply unhappy compared to everyone else I knew, who seemed to be thriving. This also isn't helping with the feeling that I was lagging behind everyone else in the race when I was once in the far lead. Right now I don't want to go too into detail about why I was unhappy, why I'm transferring, so I'll leave this at that.

I also lost contact with one of my closest friends who I've known since year 10, who actually went to the same uni as I did, and that hurt. I still have complicated feelings about her because on one hand, she and I were really close in uni and we shared a lot of happy memories together, but on the other, she hurt the feelings of two of our other friends on separate occasions, and they no longer talk with her because of it. Though neither her nor the two other friends made me feel this way, I always felt torn between the two 'sides'. So I still don't entirely know how to feel about it all, and am still kind of processing it, to be honest. Not only that but some really exhausting online drama behind the scenes happened in spring/summer of this year as well (iykyk lol) which was upsetting because this little internet bubble is a safe space for me and many others.

All that aside though, some really great things happened on here this year. Although I didn't get to write as much as I thought I would (due to the aforementioned personal stuff affecting my mental health and my ability to create) I've made many friends here this year, and I cherish you all dearly, even if I don't talk with some of you guys as much as I would have wanted. I hope to talk with you guys more in the upcoming year! Being in a fandom space, where I can talk to people with a common interest, and reading/writing fics, is something I always look forward to, and often brightens up my day.

I am going to make my resolutions here: to write more and improve my craft (because I have so many more ideas), do better in answering and reaching out to people, both on here and IRL, to work on my mental health and myself as a person because I have been sorely neglecting that this year, and of course to get my shit together when it comes to time management, procrastination and compulsively scrolling on all my socmeds. That doesn't mean I'll not be around next year, because I most definitely will (Levi brainrot go brrrr), but I'll try to control myself and make my relationship with socmed a little healthier! I think I may try to not be on it first thing in the morning, and only for a set amount of time per day, for example. (sounds simple but I really do need to get organised lol)

If you're still here and reading all of my waffling (sorry for subjecting you to that lol), thank you 😂 I've scheduled this post for right before New Year's, by the time it posts, I'll be out with my friends, so I won't be back on here until some time later in the morning. I'm wishing you all the best for the next year. I love you all and am so proud of you. Here's to 2024, and here's to better things.

–Jay 🫶🏼

#jayteacups rambles

[randomtacoscry]

WIP Wednesday

SPOILERS!!!

So I wasn't really planning on posting any of my WIP this week, but I decided last minute that I'd do it anyways. Also, I know it's probably not Wednesday for a lot of you but it still is for me! So, this one isn't great- but it is a predecessor to one of my other WIPs (one of my previous ones actually continues off this one so you can read that too if you want) so I thought it'd be a fun one to post. Please keep in mind that this is a work in progress and that this will definitely be re-written to sound a bit better. Before reading, just wanted to let you know that there may be some SPOILERS to the final fic. If you want to read this and avoid the spoilers, DO NOT READ the crossed out words as they give away a somewhat main plot point.

Anyways, thanks for reading! (And, even if you do read this, you'll probably forget about it when the fic actually comes out bc it's far from finished anyways!)

Wallowing in his own self-pity (and maybe some denial) wasn’t Pete’s ideal way to spend his evening, but he didn’t have the energy to do much else. His eyes flutter between open and closed before he hears the ringing of the doorbell at the front door and he begrudgingly gets up to answer it. A sharp two knocks hit the door before Pete swings it open, revealing a familiar face.

Tom looks tired. He’s breathing deeply and the lines around his eyes have become more prominent than Pete remembers. They stare at each other for a minute before Pete steps slightly to the side, allowing a space for Tom to walk into the house. He makes his way into the living room quickly before beginning to tap his foot slightly and Pete can tell he’s deep in thought.

“Am I making a huge mistake?” Pete can hear the desperation in his voice. He can tell Tom is exhausted and he knows exactly what the man wants him to say. 

“Tom…” 

Tom turns around to walk over to Pete. He stops to stand a safe few feet away and it reminds Pete of a decade ago when the pair would ignore each other for the sheer sake of doing just that. “Am I?” He says breathlessly and Pete hates the way he stares into his eyes. He hates that Tom makes Pete feel every emotion he is feeling because of his ridiculously good ability to maintain eye contact. 

Pete looks away before meeting his eyes again, “I can’t tell you what you want to hear.” Pete can’t be the only one fighting for the two of them, and it seems like he’s the only one who ever has. Tom looks at Pete, his eyes pleading, but doesn’t say anything. His breath is shaky and Pete can’t tell if the other man ran all the way here or is on the verge of a panic attack. Pete can’t bring himself to say any more. He’s just asking himself questions; why is Tom here? Why is he here the night before his wedding? Is he asking Pete to not come? Is he trying to call off the wedding? Is he here to talk to Bradley? Pete is brought out of his mind when Tom begins closing the distance between the two of them. He walks forward so they’re inches apart, and Pete can smell the earthy sandalwood scent of his cologne (a scent Pete’s become familiar with over the last decade and a half). Tom’s eyes are almost begging him to answer the question and Pete knows what he wants to answer with. He wants to tell Tom he’s making the biggest mistake of his life. He wants to tell him to come back and be with him again. Pete feels Tom’s right hand lift to touch his cheek. It’s tentative, and nervous, like Tom is afraid of Pete’s reaction. Pete hates that he leans into it slightly, and Tom holds the left of his jaw in a gentle caress. “Pete…” Pete’s seen Tom cry only a handful of times in his life, but he’s never looked more broken, standing there, tears filling his eyes but never falling. Pete brings his hand up to hold the back of Tom’s; his hand is cold against Pete’s warm palm.

#icemav #wip wednesday #top gun #pete maverick mitchell #tom iceman kazansky #current wip #wip #fanfic

[fnaffersblog]

Eyyyy Spoilers for 'Moon Says GOODBYE in VRCHAT'

Trigger Warnings Below Cut for: Cursing

(This is a bit old at this point, but eh. Curse of loving a show that airs daily, yeah?)

Also, beep beep, ty to everyone for your nice comments and stuff in the tags, I see them and I appreciate them. I love that everyone loves this show. It's fun to do these little deep dive reaction posts. :)

RIGHT OFF THE BAT WE START OFF WITH SUN INSISTING MOON DOES NOT HAVE TO LEAVE

MOON INSISTING HE DOES

SUN RE-INSISITING HE DOES NOT

This was kind of what I was talking about in the last post. Sun does not have the confidence to ask for what he NEEDS. He knows what he needs. He needs Moon to STAY right now. He's pulling every excuse out in the book. He's trying to frame it as 'Maybe Moon doesn't really want to go.' which isn't going to work because yes Moon does. He's trying to frame it as 'Maybe Eclipse isn't really a problem' which isn't true. He's talking about the length of time. Framing it as being "A month of not being in your life."

Sun kind of DOES touch on the issue, mentioning that he'll be alone, which had to be INCREDIBLY difficult, just that one word, you know? Because even one word opens up the possibility of the question 'Are you okay?' and then the horses are out, you know?

He's desperate at this point to get Moon to stay here, dropping every explanation he can to try and convince Moon to stay but the only thing that's going to get Moon to stay is him saying, 'Moon I Need You To Stay Right Now'

Which SUUUUUUCKS

At this point I don't think Moon COULD put off going and getting the stuff for the satellite. He's right too. They don't know what Eclipse is up too and his disappearance is MUCH more concerning than if he was around being a nuisance. They also probably run the risk of being found out if they wait too long. They also now have Jigsaw locked up in the arcade (which, aren't there like, customers? How... why... there's... anyways)

But I'm sure if Sun SAID something, Moon would take a moment and re think it, maybe try and plan a way, bring him with or set up a method of communication. Time dilation or otherwise.

It does sounds a little bit like Moon is using this as a break which is something I did touch upon before, that Moon and Earth can't be constantly holding Sun up or they're going to get exhausted themselves. Something that may inadvertently affect Sun if they take said exhaustion out on him. Which happened last episode so that's a very likely possibility.

I am glad he's taking a break. They need it. This is just really BAD timing. It's nobody's fault. It just sucks.

"Gregory is a kid" OnLy WHen It'S coNveNieNT

"That the computer doesn't have ANY input on." "Damn it."

Lol

"Maybe FLUFFY dinosaurs?" That's not any better! Lol

There was a very fun, long ass section here about Moon and Sun that devolved into several pages of discussion melding and expanding upon stuff people have said to me and stuff I’ve said already.

Uh.

So I took it out. I’m hammering away at it slowly for it’s own post. Ppppphhhbt.

Ah 4-5 days NOT 45 days. I was confused at first I thought Moon's VA was taking a month off not a week.

Nope. Never mind. Moon hasn't changed at all. Still a dick. Reset didn't change anything. /j

He's such a gremlin. It would be funnier if Sun didn't sound on the verge of crying.

"I'm about to beat you to death with this thing. I'm actually happy you're leaving now." Lol. Siblings.

Cool. That's good. So Sun will still be able to contact Moon if he needs.

"Shall I read you your last rights?" "I hate you." Ahhh, AI1. ALWAYS a pleasure.

"He'll be fine for a week." Are you sure? Again. He's just... sitting in a public space in a giant arcade room in a pizzaplex made to entertain families. I think, if he were to threaten to tear a child's limbs out slowly, there'd be problems.

Good Eclipse! Good to see him!

Damn Eclipse, you keep ur daycare like this? Barrels all over the place? Clean up not a thing in this dimension? (lol)

I never actually watched the episodes with the british gator. Is this Lord Monty?

Oh no he's as bad

Oh no

Oh NO

Folks I have found a character on the Sun and Moon show I dislike

WHAt is He SAYING?

I HATE HIM

IM CRYING LAUGHING I DISLIKE HIM SO MUUUCH

Eclipses IMMEDIATE regret at the accent My brother in SaMs YOU DO THE GATORS VOICE

I love this it's so funny im crying

#fafferchat #faffreacts #sams #tsams #sams spoilers #sun and moon show #tsams spoilers #sun and moon show spoilers #it's been sitting in my drafts! #but I've been so busy irl #I wanted it GONE #so here

[t0t411y-n0t-hum4n]

My 2023 Wrapped: (late because after an all nighter, i am realizing things and im fucking angry and also confused but it all makes sense now)

You spent 897 hours worrying about things that didn't really matter to you, but other people made a big deal about it (that's 37 days!)

You said "I'm going to fucking lose it" exactly 9,421 times while keeping it together, and maybe it would have been better if you lost it!

You made 4 characters to inflict with the very troubles you were going through, but didn't know it until you had the time and energy to think critically!

You sent 967 messages in the venting channel of your sad empty discord server! (That's 892 more messages than last year!)

You avoided contact for a month even though you could have messaged at any time! And then proceeded to make excuses as to why you couldn't, because you were exhausted!

You developed 3 new fucked up coping mechanisms! (You're in the top 0.5% of insufferable fuckers!)

You spent 10,875 minutes playing video games to distract yourself from reality!

You dissociated for more than a day or two 12 times, that's an all time high!

You drank about 20 Monster Energy drinks! 8 of those were just to make you feel decent instead of irritable and rude! To please people around you!

You nearly punched a wall 12 times! All in 4 months! (That poor wall, it didn't do anything.)

In the month of August, you apologized to one person on an average of 6.4 times a day! That's a fucking lot, you pushover!

4 people now hate your guts! Congratulations on trying to be likeable but failing so hard! Why do you even care? (/gen)

You made 762 ocean wildlife puns. So that's something cool.

It looks like you had a really shitty year! I guess there's always another, until there isn't. At least you made it through this one! Had me guessing for a while there!

#..maddy..rambles.. #maybe this should go on the vent blog #i tried to keep things as vague as possible #if i need to add any tws just lmk #cuz i dont really know #i am realizing a lot of things #sorting through rough shit and got to the center of it coree #fuck everybody #im so done #i need to learn to take time for myself unapologetically #because i shouldnt have to apologize for that #at all #under any circumstances #late night thoughts

[shummashum]

Klaus Goldstein Happy Ending [1~6]

Previously on Ch14! Klaus, who had pushed the death flag to its limit, ended up receiving a karma beam and was on the brink of death! What will be his fate, and what path lies ahead for his beloved one?

come to think of it, is this guy's life or death determined by the ending? he became dead in unhappy ending? heh……

ten? that's roughly the same times he stacked the flag one flag corresponds one arrow, it's fair and square

so roughly he's in a coma… well this is a happy ending, so he'll wake up in the end then what's the difference between normal and unhappy perhaps his heart stops after all in the unhappy ending, and she moves forward by holding on to only a glimmer of hope in the normal ending

uh… but well for those who remain, he might be better to die because if he dies, they can let go if the ambiguous state of neither death nor life continues, their mind and body become exhausted in the end and that's… from a side view, it looks like they're struggling to walk down an endless thorny path

well from Thana's point of view, Klaus is probably a presumptuously and overly self-conscious pawn fuck they won't treat the case as an industrial accident I knew it

And Remb delivered the very nice-to-hear news that the Ministry wanted S6 comrades to continue the investigation.

no you guys do that you guys do that with your own power you won't even give them a penny tell the Ministry fuck off!!

I don't think they're helpful enough though they're just free riding right now

Anyway, Al asked Remb to tell the Ministry that they would continue the investigation in exchange for their help. Meanwhile…

oh… her sanity is remarkablely low

aha so she's now thinking that the one her love is no different from being dead she doesn't try anything, she just makes herself fall in despair without hesitation

yeah it's your fault you should've reacted more faster it should've been you who got hit by the arrow, as the wizardess intended

does it make you feel more at ease after hearing these words? if it were me, I would choose to try anything, since what happened can't be undone anyway besides he's not completely dead yet no matter how weak it may be, there is still a destination to hold on to and move forward it's not too late to despair after he is really dead, isn't it

Just then, Cae came into the room.

it's not easy at all to comfort someone who's that depressed I kinda feel sorry for him~?

handling leftovers… okay okay you love and care about the environment (sighsigh)

still, it's not like everyone has no bond at all it's great to see our S6 comrades caring about her like this I hope this bond won't be broken no matter which route I watch late yeah Cae I'm saying this because of you I smell sus

Just then, Al showed up, informing them about the deal with the Ministry.

but they won't even treat it as an industrial accident, are they of any use that skull should be used as an ingredient in bone soup, that's how it becomes most useful

Anyway the baton was passed, and this time Al entered the room.

oh well we have an expert on this, there's an invention freak over there that start with S bring him if we can't contact him, then there's a goddamn asshole over there that starts with A bring him guess we need to bring in someone who has experienced loss to make her regain her sanity

Then Al moved closer and placed something in her hand.

uh that's… that one of his journal mentioned about a photo thing

right right this was it

yeah him he's an expert in this field holding onto a fragile hope, you know

that process is all possible digitally these days mmph mmmph

Well Klaus took a picture of her without saying anything, and…

ドS moment but it's been a very long time since I see those clothes Prefect's clothes were like that in old days I was quite confused when I first saw S6 comrades fr fr

"you should cry here" moment

well but Al spoke very well perhaps Al is also an expert in this field? perhaps he'd also experienced that kind of loss like Serge and Az?? or not

good cry like that and after you calm down, we move on again stagger forward! because man errs as long as he strives

So Liz regained her mind and lowered her head to listen to his heartbeat, determined to find a way to wake him up.

eh

erm

oh no the world of image again

#shumma plays wh

[auspicious-voice]

Plans for AUSPICIOUS VOICE Going Forward

EDIT @ 07/10/2023: More explanation on what I will do with my social media accounts at the end of this post

Hey guys!

I'm writing this post to highlight some key changes for this project and its future, especially when I want to move on to other bigger things I'd like to focus on. Of course that doesn't mean I'm abandoning this project, but I just want to scale down on the social aspects of the UTAU hobby significantly for the most part.

If you're interested on what this means for the project, then feel free to read on.

Cover Uploads

Since January 2023, I have been uploading new cover to my YouTube and BiliBili channels on a weekly basis. This was mostly because I had a huge backlog of finished covers I've kept in my hard drive for a long time. But since I've cleared my cover backlog and that I've run into a bit of a burnout AND cover block, I figured that doing weekly uploads isn't really a fun thing to do anymore.

It's hard to find inspiration for songs I want to cover nowadays since I'm all burnt out right now, and I want to upload covers whenever I want to. I won't stop uploading covers but the amount of covers I will upload will decrease over time. I also want to make more time and space for other things I am working on instead of constantly working on covers every week.

Maybe I should build a playlist of songs I want to cover in the future, and when the inspiration really hits, I could revisit the playlist and select the one I like the most...

Voicebank Development and Releases

It never really occured to me that I wanted to stop developing voicebanks up until recently. I will say that I will be stopping voicebank development for Fuwa Maria and Fuwa Mario indefinitely.

Now the reason why I am saying this is because of multiple factors. One is that I don't have the time and energy to devote to developing new voicebanks for my UTAUs these days, and I'm at that point where I look at my current voicebanks and I'm like, "Yeah I don't think I'll record a voicebank as good as that." I'm perfectly fine with the quality of my current voicebanks, and I don't intend to record new versions of them anytime soon. That doesn't mean that I'll stop giving them miniscule QoL updates though.

Producing voicebanks takes a long time, from months to even a year, and it really exhausts me every time I do a voicebank release. So that being said, don't expect new voicebanks to be released anytime soon. This decision isn't permanent, but it will probably remain that way for a long time from now.

Anything else?

For the sake of my social battery and mental health, I won't be directly interacting with the UTAU community (and the greater vocal synth community) from now on. Too much happens on those online spaces to the point where it stresses me out by a ton, and I'm glad that there are people leaving the community to do better things or to improve themselves for the reasons mentioned above. I won't lie that without the UTAU community, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today, but I think it's time to move on, like a graduation of sorts or something.

That doesn't mean that I won't stop all communications with the UTAU community, but I will be around to check if anything new has been made with Maria and Mario through tags and search results occasionally. I may leave a comment or two at that! I also opened up a new e-mail for inquiries about the voicebanks and characters, so that's my primary form of contact now.

As for the program itself, I have always treated UTAU as a hobby, and I will continue to do so - as something that I like to do for myself in my free time. I will cover the songs I like with my UTAUs (and other voicebanks if I feel like it), and upload them for myself and others to see if they like. And if someone else enjoys it, then that's great! I just love sharing the things I enjoy doing.

Moving forward, this is my way of saying that I will be dialling down on UTAU-related activities significantly in terms of the program itself (maybe a little bit) and the community related to it. I have been valuing my own health recently, which has been bogged down for way too long. And I will be uploading covers sporadically, and I just want to focus on using the new voicebanks I released for years to come. Quite frankly, hobbies and interests are best enjoyed with close friends and probably not with bigger circles, and that alone has done wonders to me.

I will say that if I were to post covers, they might be posted back-to-back on some days. I will post my UTAU work through this site and my YouTube and BiliBili channels from now on, and I have an RSS feed set up in case you guys use them!

See you, HIRA

#News #UTAU

[mythvoiced]

“you really don’t have to do that, not for me.” ( for….van 🥲🥲😭 )

@clemencetaught | more random dialogue prompts | ♥

---

Minute faltering.

There aren't a great many things Patrick and Van get to have in common. Pretending might be one of them, though. Patrick's entire existence, as far as Van's understanding of circumstances goes, relies heavily on pretending just in the right tone, in the right direction, with the right people, at the right time, to make sure he gets to live long enough to be forced to try again.

In contrast, Van's pretending is... well... it's like pretending he hasn't stubbed his toe, while Patrick pretends he hasn't been stabbed.

But pretending he still does. He pretends he likes it around here, pretends he genuinely gets it, that he more than empathizes with the plight of being a so very bored Capitol citizen he must continue to surround himself with Victors, because who else could invigorate his so very dull and rich life?

Van pretends in front of Patrick as well. What else is he supposed to do? He's supposed to function as a benefactor here. As selfish as it may sound, as disgustingly privileged to even get to pick and choose, Van doesn't want in on this gun's blazing.

He wants to help.

His feet are firmly planted on the line, he does what he can within the confines of his own gilded cage. He uses money and names, he tugs and playfully curls the strings of someone's mind around his fingers and makes them wonder, oh, aren't there better things to do? Don't the Victors deserve a little more?

It's not an easy task, hell, hell hath no deafer than the madmen who want to own others. But it's not... well, it's a stubbed toe compared to a dagger in a heart.

He pretends in the way he looks at Patrick, polite and frozen smile, it's easier to not accidentally drop the act if he always keeps it up. Their exchanges are rarely verbal, Patrick is more than smart, it isn't difficult to get what point he needs to get across to actually reach the Victor, let alone watch it implemented much better than he could have on his own, what with his lack of intimate knowledge on the matter.

And then... he doesn't anymore.

Because if Patrick says 'not for me', perhaps, just for a small, dangerous moment, they're done pretending.

And Van can be done pretending to himself as well, that he's truly that careful of a person. That he wouldn't do ridiculous things for a person who looks like that.

For the Gentleman, who looks like he's dangling from fishing lines made of electrical wires, exhausted and bled out, and still smiling politely to all those who want to poke at his bleeding purple wounds.

"I'm going to be very direct now," Van starts, and the smile's gone. The polite air is gone. Probably also the reason why he steps closer as they stand outside in the corridor leading to Van's door, why he lowers his voice.

"One, you're very important to the people you surround yourself with, whether you want to be or not. You're not always here when the Victors you tell me to call for arrive, so you don't see their faces or hear their words when they speak of you, but I do. Strategically speaking alone, if you're unsafe, how will they ever be, how will they ever try to be. A martyr works, a survivor works better. Two," he takes a breath, tries to remind himself he shouldn't... he doesn't have the right to care this much...?

"You're my primary contact to Victors, I need to prioritize you, I need to talk to you and hear from you. Three, and I don't know if I'm crossing a line here by saying this, so I'll extend my apologies as soon as we're done," Van turns to smile, all sharp falsehoods in a row as a neighbour walks past and doesn't even bother hide the knowing, appreciative gaze. Victors are the finest on the menu, aren't they?

Van steps back into his flat, opens the door a little wider. "You deserve the reprieve. Now, if you don't want to come in and want me to stop calling for you so often, I will. If you want out of this arrangement, consider it done. Otherwise... would you like to come in and have something warm to drink?"

#clemencetaught #the wolf;patrick #the wolf;van;hunger games verse #DEPRESSO EXPRESSO DEPRESSO MWAH ♥ #for being such a terribly TERRIBLY sad verse I sure as MITTITYTY have WAAAY too much FUN with it #i'm sitting here and clapping my lil hands together like 'YAY MORE THG PAIN I AM SO READY' #Ferre... Ferre have a flower 💐 OR SEVERAL~ do you like flowers~ #surprise live action gif suddenly - switching things up >:3 #;queue