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#so a funny thing has happened in regards to my memory and pretty much everything concerning Colin:
teddyclara · 27 days
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Fragaria Memories Red Bouquet Ep 1 Thoughts
I'll be using @kanatajelly-tl's translation of the voice drama. You can find it here!
Everything is under the cut!
So the Strawberry King is missing and then the SEEDS came into Fragaria World. Obviously connected
I mentioned this in a previous post, but the Strawberry King is a real Sanrio Mascot. He looks like this
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(Stolen from the wiki) (Tumblr fucking up the quality)
He's the ruler of the Strawberry Kingdom, which, apparently, has 7 other children that dress like him
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They're referred to as angels (??), and they debuted in 1975. Interesting how the story is using this guy as a figure and saying "lmao we don't know where he is". Anyways, history lesson over
Kinda interested in how the abilities of the knights are going to play out here. Magic is obviously a factor, but we don't know too much about how they use it. It's a limitation of medium used for the story, though maybe we might see it in the MVs.
Hallritt appears to be the least experienced knight among the cast, although given how he one-shots a SEED despite having never seen one before means he's likely Really Cracked at fighting. He also dodges the ambush of the other knights pretty well.
Merold caught me off guard like, really hard. I actually looked up his introduction because I was like "wait did they say he was Like That?" and yeah, he's just Like That.
Actually, he's so funny. Making himself home in Romarriche's place and eating his candy. He does seem like a massive piece of work, especially given what he says to Hallritt in the preview for the 2nd ep
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He seems to just sort of have this condescending attitude to others, which his feats only exacerbate. I can see why Kurode was so upset and ran away.
Now I'm going to talk about the topic that caught my attention first, the SEEDs
Apparently, their main abilities is that they are able to cause things to disappear.
In the Voice Drama, they were making produce and shop items disappear, but the opening narration notes that they do this with people.
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Also like how SEED's actually bloom, that's a cool feature
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Anyways, I wanted to state my theories about how the story will unfold.
One of the big theories floating around is that this is a Madoka Magica situation, and the story is a time loop. This is based on the music videos that were released prior for each Bouquet. You can find them here, here, and here.
That said, after learning this information about the SEEDs, I don't think there's a time loop at all.
There's absolutely a loop, but I think what's happening is that everyone is forgetting what truly happened in the past as the SEEDs keep making everyone's memories disappear. There's a lot of emphasis on the past, even this Drama mentions it in regards to a legend of the Fragarian Knights of the Red Continent's past, but I think that they are just a different flavor of the main cast. It's just that everyone keeps repeating their choices because they're stuck never knowing or learning the mistakes of their past.
Maybe. This might be debunked hard when the 2nd Voice Drama drops. But who knows.
Anyways, those are my thoughts for the Drama. I hope there's more worldbuilding because the fairy tale-esque setting of the series is just appealing to me.
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haro-hawayu · 6 months
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CCS: Clear Card Ch. 78
Chapter 78!!! Waaaa I got so busy the past week that I finally had time to check out the chapter today. The latest chapter can be found on CLAMP-net’s YouTube Channel. As always, please check out @meimi-haneoka's post on the latest chapter for EN-JPN translation differences!!
Links for previous chapter reactions can be found here.
Reading Reactions:
Sakura looks soooooo pretty on the cover!! I love the glowy lights!! It makes everything look so ethereal and soft.
Okay so it's not that he was JUST running away, but also wanted to save Akiho from danger, I'll give you that Kaito, I'm sorry for doubting you lol.
I'm so glad we get a chance to hear Akiho's thoughts now, speak up and say more!!! T^T
BLINK! I love the details of his eyes, even though he's not speaking, he's still conveying SO much!
Ahhhh I'm getting teary-eyed from this scene!!
Akiho knows she would never have asked for her memories of Kaito "whoever this is" to be erased.
I love how it's worded too (not leaving someone behind/removing oneself) and I hope there's no major translation discrepancies here...
Waaaa Lilie!! I love how things are starting to piece together now.
Rewind! Syaoran's reaction is kinda funny.
Wahhhh I'm teary-eyed again TuT
Kaito!!! I was so scared the chapter would end before he appears in human form!! THEY MEET!!!!!
Oh noo the wings stayed, but... but look really cool on him tho.
YES Akiho!!! You tell him all those things right now!!
Tell her your name!! LET HER SCOLD YOU!!
I'm crying so much this chapter. Ahhh. ><
Man, I knew it wasn't gonna last long enough for the danger to get resolved, but it could've ended in a more cliffhanger-way, and I'm glad we were spared... for now.
Thoughts:
There was so much happening! I got teary-eyed maybe 3 times reading this chapter, and 100% emotional and kinda crying as I'm thinking and writing about my thoughts.
I'm so happy that Akiho has her moment to finally say all the things she wants to say, even though she still doesn't have all her memories there. I think it's great that Kaito is finally listening, not running away, not stopping her, and only saying what's important. Like how he felt like it wouldn't have been necessary for him to be in that rewritten world. Even though those thoughts of his are wrong, it's important that Akiho is hearing this, so that she can respond to him with what he needs to hear (and she most wants to say). That he is her most important person, that he didn't have to do that (removing himself, her most impt person) just to ensure her happiness, and that she rather live in a world (even though things may be way more painful) WITH her most important person by her side. Ugh, these are the words that they both needed: for Kaito to hear, and for Akiho to declare. And omgsh, I'm tearing up just thinking about how Akiho's reflecting on the happiness that she was basking in (with friends and "family") but how she doesn't want that if it was all false, and she doesn't want that if her most important person isn't there. THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO UNPACK REGARDING AKIHO AND KAITO BUT I DON'T HAVE THE WORDS?!!! I hope after they all get their memories back, that they can have a proper follow-up conversation. I need this to happen even though I know I'll be a sobby mess when it happens.
I also absolutely loved it that Sakura is encouraging them with her "you'll definitely be alright" spell! YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED BY OUR PROTAG!!!!!! My heart just felt all super warm and hanyannnn that Sakura can be that voice of courage for others. It just shows how much our little 4th/5th grader has come along since the original CCS, and how much she has grown within the Clear Card series. I'm so very excited (but a little worried) to see the extent of Sakura's magical prowess as she's trying to figure out what to do to fix the time stuff.
Now, it's time for me to like recover from this chapter. It was just so much, so good, but so much XD
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poppyseed799 · 1 year
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what's the best life series season (if you can call them that?) and why is it 3rd life
/j on that last part I actually want to know what's your favorite
So funny that I was making a poll similar to this as I received it. My poll was about gimmicks tho so I’ll talk about the seasons themselves here.
To be honest: I DON’T KNOW!!! I’m an INCREDIBLY indecisive person. I’ll just talk about the seasons and you can try to pick a favorite for me based on how I talk about them.
3rd Life: a classic, VERY good story. There’s a lot to love about it and so many different POVs with unique stories… but it also suffers in that regard cuz there’s certain people that just didn’t get a lot of attention in 3rd Life and by not watching their POV you aren’t missing much. Poor Joel, who I love very much, suffers most from this in 3rd life. Also I am pretty particular about rules and all the green violence was not great about that BUT I forgive 3rd Life because the story makes up for it! Also it was kinda funny. ICONIC season, I’m SO glad I got hooked by it.
Last Life: I have a lot of fond memories of waking up and first thing I do is pull up YouTube and watch Scar’s episode as my sister watches Tango’s next to me. If Scar hadn’t yet uploaded I’d watch someone else, I’d try not to watch Tango as my sister had that covered. We’d split up POVs and share what happened with each other. I had dreams about Last Life Scar. I loved Last Life Scar so much. I forced everyone to draw him for my bday. I’ve never drawn him. Anyways this is all nostalgia, basically I had an amazing time watching this season and a lot of good stuff was in it! But the ending felt very anticlimactic to me. Not just the last death, I thought that was fine, just the finale in general. It wasn’t horrible but everything before it was so much better that it almost ruined it for me lol. But like I said that’s just cuz everything before it was SO GOOD!!!
Double Life: im gonna be honest people will probably pick this one as my favorite simply because I have NOTHING negative to say about it. It was a great season! I loved it so much, and people being paired made it a lot faster and easier to watch. Double Life Joel is everything to me. Boat Boys win in my heart. These guys actually made me draw fan art for the series can you believe it. There was plenty of poetic tragedy in Double Life, but the poetic tragedy in other seasons hits me harder for some reason. Still love this goofy little season. Oh one negative thing I guess is I miss Martyn watcher lore. But it’s okay.
Limited Life: There’s only four episodes out right now, so I can’t say much. BUT! It’s been incredibly funny so far, much like double life. Also Martyn watcher lore seems to be back WOOO! So far there isn’t really anything that ESPECIALLY has me interested, but I will say that in the latest episode alone there have been so many moments I loved that I considered making a compilation. IN EPISODE 4 ALONE! Can’t wait to see how this ends, it could be totally anticlimactic but it definitely has the potential to be amazing.
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many-but-one · 1 year
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Splitting, Splitting, Splitting
pk;m new, pk;m new, pk;m new.
You know, I thought folks were being funny haha when they said that learning new trauma can cause you to split more. :) Haha.
We've had several splits over the last couple of weeks, some of which were literally nameless and re-fused within a few days, others not so much. Vivian split into Vivian and Rook. Rook seems to be sticking around. And then myself, Dorian, also split last night. Which is what I'm going to talk about, as I haven't split since I was 17 years old, back when I was known as our dead name and I split into Jules and Aeron.
So the reason for the split I won't go into big detail, but essentially I was learning things that were extremely distressing to me, making me pretty much non-functional. In our system, I have always been the "functional" one, that's my One Job. My job is to be as trauma-free as possible and everyone else holds everything for me. Even when I experience trauma or learn trauma memories, I end up splitting and I come out essentially trauma free while the other half of the split holds all of the unsettling shit that was plaguing me. Something I've learned from folks in the system is that I have *always* been the host. Well, parts of me have. Over the years, I've been "whittled" down. Every time I experience something upsetting or traumatic that makes it difficult to be the functional part, I split. If the trauma is ongoing, that split will become host until the trauma "ends" and then I come back none the wiser. Which is why folks like Maribelle, Mariana, Aeron, and many more, were all hosts for short periods of time and every time I ended up coming back to take my duties back up. Of course these all happened long before I was aware of the system, but this is why I was so certain I was always the one around our whole life with a few memory gaps. I was. I *have* experienced our whole life sans the really fucked up trauma, but every time I get overwhelmed by what I'm experiencing, I get "whittled down" again and that's what happened again this time.
I'm still Dorian. I feel no different than before except that the memories I had been toiling over are essentially either completely gone or I have no emotional attachment to them. In a quote to my therapist to explain the feelings regarding a person in particular involved in the memories and things I've been stressing over (my father): "The ones [memories] I do have, I have absolutely no emotional attachment to them, it's like someone else lived them entirely. I have almost no opinion, positive or negative toward my father. The new information I learned about him (that he probably allowed this all to happen) feels unimportant/I don't care about it. Any of the teen memories I have/had of him are either completely gone or so diluted that I don't care about them."
And that's by design. Unfortunately. And now I really do understand why so many parts are so hostile toward me. My One Job is to be trauma free while their One Job is to hold trauma. How is that fair? It's not like I get to choose this role, our brain does this automatically because we NEED a functional, non-traumatized, main host part. Which is me. It always has been. It's so sad. I feel so sad for those parts who have to hold what I'VE experienced and couldn't handle. It makes me feel weak, but I know that's not the case. This is just how our brain has decided I will have to be.
The really sucky thing is how the split occurred, which was done in a way that was (from what I can assume) purely symbolic in the IW. I got grabbed by one of our internal gatekeepers (Anna, who is essentially the size of a primordial entity/god thing) and ripped right in half. Which was as pleasant as you can imagine. /sar
It was actually incredibly painful and traumatizing, it was a horrifying experience, and that's not even all that happened but I'm not going to get into all of that. Essentially when she threw me back down to the forest of our inner world, I was now two pieces and the two pieces of me were suddenly whole parts, making me (Dorian, the one writing this, previous and current host, only ANP with no trauma) and Seneca, a part that I don't know a lot about because he's still super fucking disoriented. All I know really is his name, that he looks a lot like me but very dark, and has a lot of memories of father-related stuff that I no longer have. And a lot of rage. That seems to be a common thing amongst splits. I think it's because rage/anger have never been safe to express in our life, and when we do it's too much and brain panics and splits off so that the part who was feeling so much rage is free from it and then we bury the rage they felt deep in the IW to never think about again. Well, the point is to never think about it again. Logically, I/we know we're going to have to deal with all of that anger and rage eventually, it's just that up until now that has never ever been safe or okay to do. I know someday we'll have to consolidate that anger and it WILL be safe to feel, but I suppose now is not that day.
I'm unsure if Seneca will be buried like the rest or if he'll join frequent fronter status. Rook has been around and about and functional so Seneca may do that as well. It's been A Time these past few weeks. Having to come to terms with some seriously horrifying shit that I can't even begin to describe on top of realizing that it all could have been avoided and that it was all done purposely and the people that should have protected me simply...didn't. It's heartbreaking, to say the least. I understand why this happened. I'm not angry or upset at my brain or the parts for doing this. I have learned to not be so hard on myself/the parts, I realized that rather than blaming myself, I should be blaming our abusers for everything. Absolutely everything. None of this was my fault.
I was just a kid. WE were just a kid. :(
-Dorian
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girl4music · 6 months
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youtube
This song and video evokes emotions out of me I don’t even have the ability or vocabulary to describe. Ever hear a song that renders you completely speechless but not from the complexity of it, but because there’s just no possible way you can explain the experience?
This is THAT for me. It’s such a powerful experience.
And I am reminded that this is why my id is what it is.
The thing about music is - when you truly love it and are an enthusiast of it - it’s experience can’t be explained. It’s not something words can convey. It’s something you have to know viscerally for yourself. Something you have to see, hear feel. Sense. It’s about the senses. And the senses are still something we cannot truly explain. Sure, we can talk about how hearing is picking up vibrations in the environment and our brain turning it into sound. Or how to see is to pick up light particles in the atmosphere and have them illuminate in our brain. Or how to feel is connection and repulsion with the different atoms. We can talk about how it’s all about energy. The science of it. But we cannot truly explain the experience of it.
And then when we lose any one of those senses. How much our world changes and us alongside with it because it really is one in the same experience. Yeah, music is like that. Something unexplainable. Ineffable. Like the experience of love. Like the experience of heartache. Like the experience of consciousness. And the funny thing is that we call these things “things” but they’re not things at all. They’re our true nature. They’re so close to us as to affect our experience of everything but so mysterious and complex to us that they can’t be explained or defined or described. But regardless, these “things” affect us psychologically, physiologically, physically and spiritually that to simply refer to them as any other physical object in the Universe seems quite insulting and debilitating.
The realist and truest “things” to us are not physical and yet we regard them as such just like everything and so I have often wondered whether it’s the other way around. Whether that of which isn’t physical is all that’s real and true and all of that which is is illusory. ‘Cause, you see, if you shut off your sense of sight by closing your eyes - voluntarily blinding yourself, the physical world disappears but consciousness is still very much there. You are still very aware of the world. Only something different is experienced from doing it. Which is that you no longer are separated from it and it is no longer separated from you. One in the same. And I guess this is why some people meditate and involve themselves in acts of sensory deprivation. Because what’s revealed from it is the way of being. And people forget that when they’re immersed in experiences of which they believe is happening to them rather being the reason experience happens.
Music is one of those experiences where you are reminded about something you’ve forgotten. Be it something that happened in the past or even something happening right now but can’t be accessed without playing that specific song or music video. I often say that music is a Time Machine because music jolts you back to something that doesn’t exist anymore if it ever did or isn’t relevant but was still very significant at the time. And what’s in this music video for the song ‘Constance’ is an old lady that’s losing her memory. She can’t remember. She doesn’t have any recollection of who she or anyone else around her is. But the thing is is that she is still experiencing something. She still has a sense of self in that way because the basic function of ‘self’ is to experience. That’s what we do as human beings. Generate an experience all the while “living” in it as if it’s something that’s happening to us and not IS us. And so losing our memory would be pretty scary to us because we believe there’s something physical and permanent about us that we should keep ahold of when being or consciousness itself is what we are. And therefore it matters not what we remember. It only matters how we continue that next generation. Experience is a profound “thing” in itself because it happens of its own accord. As does nature and life.
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obsoleteozymandias · 4 months
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gay man lookin for a marvel matchup here!
20, he/they, kinda shaggy black hair, pasty lil white boy, brown eyes, 5'4, kind of a pathetic twink. i wear glasses. average outfit would be all black, sweater, skinny jeans, big stompy boots, and an assload of rings and necklaces- i guess one could describe it as like, the dress of a comfy elder emo. but i really want to incorporate dark academia into that mix. i'm a silver jewelery kind of guy, my fave color is black/blue/purple and my favorite crystal is iolite. i'm very picky about textiles and the feel of things.
my music taste is pretty much 80's-2010s rock, divorced dad rock, 2000's-2010's pop, and country, but i'm quite picky about country - i enjoy rascal flatts and carrie underwood, as well as musical theatre. my favorite musical is jekyll and hyde :)
i'm a huge nerd, especially when it comes to dnd, lord of the rings, horror, and various other types of media, and my favorite thing is getting people into them. if I've met someone who has never watched lotr, or perhaps never listened to black sabbath? brace yourself. i'm the type to infodump through a movie, and i enjoy others doing the same. tell me everything that goes on in your mind, you know? watch me hold it up to the light and be unfazed.
i also enjoy history and classic literature, and will infodump about queer undertones in it. all this to say, i'm just very passionate about things. especially space. i also collect! i collect many things - bottles, trinkets, jewelry, crystals, animal bones, things pertaining to my interests. my room reflects my mind- cohesive in its own way, but cluttered, spacey.
i'm creative, kind of a dreamer with their head in the clouds, my goals are in the stars but i have the know-how to make them happen. cap sun, aries moon, Leo rising, intp, generally quite shy until i get over the mortifying concept of being known, then i swing wildly between pure chaos and complete catatonic, like a pendulum. academically i work under unbridled spite and determination. when i ask what people like about me, they say i'm funny, inspiring, charming, and gifted in creativity. i'm an artist, a writer. they say that i'm good at reading and profiling people. i enjoy looking at people's natal charts not as a way of judgement, but as a way to look into them as a person.
that being said i try my best to make others happy, even if at the expense of myself. i tend to be neglectful of myself in that regard, both physically and mentally. i struggle from a lot of mental health issues that involve severe dissociation and memory loss, so luckily, i have some coping tools under my belt, but i'm unable to recall past events both short and long term, so i keep a list of the things i love about people so i never forget them- forgetting the people i love is a fear of mine, as well as heights, and the ocean, and large crowds. i also struggle with sleep issues, paranoia and anxiety. i try to handle these things on my own, lest i bother someone with them. it's difficult to both ask and receive help. through complicated reasons, i'm familiar with the concept of guilt and shame. i know more than most how it feels like necrosis rotting away at your insides, and i know that it one day will subside into a dull ache in the back of your head. i also suffer from chronic back pain and migraines. my main vice is anything that will fuzz my brain and help me escape for a little while. i'm working on that, working on staying grounded, but it's hard. if someone was capable of noticing and pulling me out, i'd be forever theirs. i'm also horrifically terrible at confrontation and shut down whenever it happens.
my taste in men kind of feeds into my martyr complex 😭 i'm the type to go "i can fix him." except i'd also love them regardless of the mental state and position they're in, because i myself would have wanted that as well. if i could love someone through it all and be a bit of relief, that's all i'd be satisfied with. i want the fire and passion, but i also want to be their peace. i connect to the broken minds because i know what that's like, in a sense. i think i just crave understanding, i want someone to know me, and WANT to know me in the way i go out of my way to understand others. i want to receive, not just give. i want reciprocation, i want, i yearn, i desire, all in my head. that being said romantically i tend to NOT gravitate towards golden retriever types- they're always my besties, though!
i hope this all makes sense. i tend to ramble on like a madman. good luck, and godspeed o7
This was like reading the odyssey my guy i had to stop and reread things multiple times (/pos)
== Marvel ==>
I match you up with…
Bruce Banner (This one was very mixed for me, so I did my best)
Yeah you can fix him (but you can also love him how he is). 
When you mention connecting best with broken minds, a lot of marvel men came to mind, but I think Bruce is a special sort. He’s someone who feels so strongly that he literally broke himself, and I think he’d need someone like you, and you him. 
I think you’d relax him with your music and sense of passion. He’d love listening to dad rock with you while you regale him with paragraphs upon paragraphs of your interests. 
The two of you definitely have LOTR movie marathons monthly, and you’ll both feel a calm that seems unreal.
Waking up afterwards with limbs twisted together and bathed in warmth, it’s such a nice change of pace from the turmoil. 
You easily become one of the people who calms him down when he’s enraged or hulked out. 
In turn, he’s the one who writes little reminders of dates and people for you, and always leaves a note telling you how much he loves you on the bedside drawer. 
He’ll also find comfort in your art, and you’ll find it plastered everywhere around you shared house. He sets anything you make as his phone background, and just looking at it fills him with love. 
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kwistowee · 3 years
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Colin in ‘The Words’ - 2/?
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xaharadesert · 3 years
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Returned Memories - Headcanon
Arcana Characters (Main 6) x MC
A/N: This one is for @lunriphus, and has been sitting in my inbox for months, so I am so sorry. I also can’t believe I forgot about it because I was super excited to write it! The MC’s memories returning has always been one of my favourite “what ifs”, but it’s a little hard to write about because everyone’s MC has a different backstory. I’ve left it pretty vague, but of course some of the character’s have more canon relationship backstories than others, so each set of headcanons is pretty unique! Requests are open :) I’m writing this without my glasses on again, so please let me know if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes
Also: I don’t mean to be insensitive to people who have amnesia is real life— if anything within this post seems rude or ignorant, please let me know! I will fix it immediately!
❤️Julian❤️
Neither of you quite understood how exactly you got your memories back, but it wasn’t exactly the biggest concern
You finally knew who you were (are?), and you could finally make the connections that your brain had been on the verge of for so long
Julian was an excellent partner to have by your side while you navigated the differences and similarities between who you used to be and who you were now
You two had known each other to some degree before, but there was no pressure from him to be the way you used to be; he was happy for you because you seemed happier, not because he would gain anything from you recovering your memories
Some nights the two of you would stay up for hours, simply talking over some of your old shared memories, helping you connect the pieces
He was always wary of headaches— he knew that with magic involved he wouldn’t be able to do much to help you if things took a turn for the worse, so he was prepared to scoop you up and sprint over to wherever it was Asra was currently hiding out
Julian was careful not to push too hard if you were struggling to remember something you felt you should— he would be the first to remind you that these things take time, and that living in the present was more important than recalling the past
The only part of this he’s slightly bitter about is the fact that you can now remember and bring up any of the embarrassing things he did when you two first met (but he could never bring himself to stop you from mentioning them because he knew how important your memories were)
🧡Portia🧡
When you announced to her that you remembered something from your past she asked no questions, she was simply ecstatic
She knew that your missing memories could be hard on you, and there were occasions where she felt pointlessly guilty that she hadn’t known you before because she so badly wanted to give you the information you desired
So knowing that you were on the road to recovering bits of your past life? She might just have been even more excited than you!
She loves hearing you talk about anything you remember, from funny little stories to dark secrets— she feels like she gets to learn something new about you at the same time you’re discovering it, and it brings the two of you even closer
Portia is especially great at grounding you to the present
While it’s wonderful that you’re remembering your past life and everyone and everything in it, Portia could only ever be a part of your new life
Even if you started to recover more unwanted, dark memories, she would be right there to remind you that the past is the past, and as long as you’re with her, you can take or leave as much or as little of it as you want
💛Lucio💛
Finding out your memories were returning garnered an… interesting response from Lucio
He seemed conflicted, to say the least— he was happy about your excitement at recovering a part of yourself that you had previously considered gone forever, and he was glad that you could remember all of the amazing parties he used to throw, but…
What else, exactly, did you remember about him?
Did you remember him as a tyrant? A warlord? A petty imbecile, too incompetent to rule over Vesuvia?
As ignorant as he seemed to be toward mass criticism, he wasn’t as stupid as people thought— he knew that the snide comments he would still occasionally overhear weren’t isolated incidents
He knew that you loved him as the two of you were in the present; but he was terrified of what you had thought of him in the past
Lucio knew that he was capable of changing, as he had grown as a person immensely after meeting you, but would your old opinions overshadow your belief in him?
He would want to be as supportive as possible, but his doubts would plague his mind every time you would share an old recovered memory with him
This time in your relationship would be hard, without question— you would be rediscovering your past self, and Lucio would be attempting to repress his insecurities
Communication would be key in moving forward in a healthy relationship, discussing and working through any issues that may arise alongside your memories and his worries
💚Muriel💚
He would be happy for you, and proud of how much you’ve grown as a person because of it
While he didn’t know you very well before you had died (only seeing you in passing when you were with Asra), he would be very supportive of you doing what you must to regain your lost memories
He was also the first one to suggest that you spend a bit more time with Asra and others that you had known before, willing to put up with a bit more social interaction than usual if it’s for your benefit
While he isn’t one to use magic to help with your memories, if he can use his limited abilities to recreate something you vaguely remember from your past, he’d do it in a heartbeat
He couldn’t keep up much of a conversation about your past, but he would listen to you ramble on about anything you can recall for as long as you’d like
Sometimes he wondered what would have happened if he had been a larger part of your previous life— would you remember him as much as you would remember everything else, or would his curse cause even more problems?
As sad as he was that he hadn’t gotten to know you sooner, a small part of him was glad he would never have to learn the answer to that question
💙Asra💙
It’s everything he had been hoping for for the past three years
After the initial panic he had at the thought of needing to erase your memories again if the headaches started to plague you again, he promptly burst into tears
Don’t misunderstand the situation, he would love you unconditionally with or without your memories of your past together, but knowing that you were slowly starting to recover bits of who you used to be overwhelmed him with emotion
He had felt like he had failed you when he managed to bring your body back, but not the entirely of your mind
Now, that guilt seemed to slowly be seeping away, leaving him more every time you brought up something from your past that you previously hadn’t been able to remember
He would love to spend all of his time talking about the past with you, helping you remember and basking in nostalgia
The burden of your shared past was no longer his to carry alone, and he finally had the chance to apologize for your final argument together, something that he had thought he would never be able to properly move forward from
💜Nadia💜
She’s thrilled that your regaining a part of yourself previously thought to be lost forever
Having had her own memory problems regarding her life in Vesuvia prior to her enchanted sleep, she had always empathized with your plight
Knowing that you were beginning to recover, she was overjoyed, although a minuscule, unwanted voice in the back of her mind quietly echoed feelings of jealousy
She wanted you to have a past to hold onto in times of strife, and although the two of you had never met prior to her entering your shop on that fateful night, she hoped you would perhaps be able to recall her effects as Countess
Nadia loved that you were regaining your memories, but she wished she could do the same— regardless, she would support you in every way possible, applying the knowledge she had gained while attempting to recover her own memories to help you further remember your own
Forgive her if she seemed a bit aloof occasionally during your conversations about the past; she doesn’t mean to seem unsupportive in any way, but she does struggle with her own emotions regarding the matter once in a while
She’s very open about these feelings, though— Nadia values honestly over honeyed lies, and she would never be hypocritical about sharing her emotions in your relationship
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rainbowsky · 2 years
Note
Do we really need to always look back to CQL everytime we talk about Web & XZ? CQL is an old news. We have more interesting and much better contents now. Why bother to always go back to it?
Web has Louyang to look forward to. It looks great. The costumes, the visual, the detective-libe story looks so promising Let's not forget Being A Hero, a very challenging role for him. And of course SDOC4 where we can see Web looks so relax and happy aside from DDU.
XZ has Oath of Love and The Longest Promise to look forward to. These two are FAR FAR SUPERIOR and more recognized literature works than CQL. Read the novels and you'll see how amazing the romance in these 2 are. Easily the best romance stories (perfect) for XZ. Then ADLD which shows his amazing range as an actor. Very challenging since it's a stage play with a very long running time. We still have Ace of Troops too which we have no news about it.
Do we really need to go back when they themselves have move on? We need to move on too.
It's funny, I was just saying a lot of similar things to someone earlier today.
Although I'm not convinced that the novel of OOL is so much better than MDZS. Tastes are pretty subjective and it's hard to make claims like that in such a broad way. I've heard very mixed reviews of the book OOL is based on. A lot of people describe it as a very het, very cheezy melodramatic story. True, that sort of thing has a broad appeal, but I'm not the target market.
I haven't heard much about the story The Longest Promise is based on, but the same applies. These things are a matter of personal taste.
Having said that, I'm really looking forward to all of their new dramas and projects, and while I will likely skip some of the overtly propagandistic ones, I can't wait to see them perform in other roles. OOL is near the top of that list for me. I can't wait to see GG in that role.
To me, The Untamed is great not only because of GGDD, but also because it's just an excellent, excellent drama with an outstanding cast. I've watched it, in its entirety, 4 or 5 times, plus I watched the Special Edition (which I did not enjoy as much - it felt hacked apart). I am a fan of the show, make no mistake about it. I even own the official photo book. I know I will watch it again. I love the show.
But when it comes to fandom about the show - all the meta and gifs and fanart and discussions and, to a lesser degree, the BTS - my eyes glaze over a bit, I can't lie. I feel like I've seen it all before a thousand times - the fandom is oversaturated with all of this - and I'm just more interested in what GG and DD are up to now. They both have exciting things happening in the here and now.
The Untamed will always be special to GG and DD, and to BXG. I mean, that's a given. It's where all of this started for a lot of people, it's where GGDD had a chance to work together. It's a great show, and they both gave outstanding performances. It launched both of their careers into the stratosphere - no one can deny it (although some solos certainly try). As queer actors, this might very well be the only queer role they ever get a chance to play.
But it's also been 2 years since it aired. In the world of entertainment, 2 years might as well be 2 decades, and that's only a slight exaggeration. It's old news for a lot of people who saw it around the time it originally aired.
Of course, there are always new people discovering it and new people coming to the fandom, so there will always be turtles in particular for whom all of this is brand new and exciting. We are probably always going to see people bringing it up as though it's new. Because it's new for them.
I hope we can all try to empathize with their enthusiasm and try not to put too much of a damper on it. I do my best in this regard. I'm still happy to take asks about the show and the BTS (although my memory of some of those things is going to be rusty).
At the same time, I hope turtles - old or new - will at least try to branch out and experience some of the other material GG and DD have created, and try to support 'the whole, individual man' and not just the relationship between GGDD. There's a lot of content out there. If you can't find it in your region try some of the unofficial sites like Dramacool.
If you haven't seen The Wolf yet, you're missing out. If you haven't been watching SDOC, you're missing out. etc. etc.
However, as I've said many times - everyone gets to be a fan in whatever way works for them. If The Untamed is new for you and you want to enjoy it, enjoy! If it's old to you but you're still attached and don't want to move on from it, enjoy! If it's the only thing that interests you about GGDD, enjoy!
But please recognize as turtles that GG and DD will be moving forward in their careers, and they will talk about/feature the show less and less in their posts over time. They will emphasize new content and move on from The Untamed, at least in terms of what they highlight in interviews and social media. This isn't a 'suppression of the show', it's just time marching forward.
Recognize that a lot of the fans will be moving forward as well. There will inevitably be some people who are sick of talking about it, who find it old news, or who are more interested in other things. This isn't a 'conspiracy of silence', it's just time marching forward.
Don't let yourself feel threatened by any of that and behave in ways that disrupt the fandom when the show isn't highlighted in the way you expect it to be. Don't make up scary stories in your mind about what you fear might be 'the real' motive behind this. The simple truth is, not everything about them is going to be about that show, and that will only become more true as time marches forward.
And that applies both ways. Like I said, I hope those of us who have mostly moved on will try to be empathetic to those for whom the show is new. I hope we can all try to respect each other's approaches and not be warlike about it.
In the end, we all just love these two fools, and if we focus on what we have in common we might find any friction melts away.
Important note
Please don't take this as an invitation to hit up my inbox with anti-BXG hate, messages denigrating The Untamed or BXG, etc. etc. Anyone sending me such garbage will be insta-blocked. If you are anti-BXG and hate The Untamed, please don't follow my blog or engage with my inbox. Stay in your own lane.
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Meeting and Dating George Weasley
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(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)
- You and George first meet when you’re both attending Hogwarts. Him and Fred are obviously pretty popular so you probably know about him before he knows about you. 
- As most couples in school do, you met because you were placed in the same class and wound up sitting pretty close to each other. This class also just so happened to only contain one Weasley in it; something I’m sure happened quite a lot with the trouble the twins always started. 
- Since he doesn’t have his twin, he’s a bit more focused on the classroom itself and eager to find himself the oh so important class buddy. While he was sitting at his desk, bored out of his mind, his eyes fell on you for the first time and he immediately perked up. He found his buddy. 
- Both of the Weasley twins are quite social; or at least not scared of social interaction, so he has no problem coming up to you and introducing himself. He’s eager to make you his friend and get closer to you, and since he’s funny, sweet, charismatic and much, much more, you’re more than happy to accept his friendship. 
- George sort of has a crush on your for a while before he asks you out; which Fred obviously rags on him for. And his crush on you only worsens as time passes and everyone he knows starts to catch on to his affections, hinting at him needing to ask you out. 
 - You were invited to the burrow at least once and his Mom even gave him a knowing look, telling him he should get a move on and saying “sure you don’t” when he shyly insisted that he didn’t know what she was talking about. 
- Although it takes him a bit of time, he does manage to ask you out with little problem. 
- George has always been a bit affectionate with you so when he took your hand in both of his and started toying with your fingers as you were doing something, you really didn’t pay it any mind. 
“Y/n?”
“Hmm?”
“Would you like to go out sometime, love?” 
- You froze for a second, not expecting to hear those words leaving his mouth, and his heart raced as he awaited your response. You looked over at him to see if he was joking or not and gave him a genuine smile as you were met with his sincere face. 
“I would love that George.” He smiled and pressed his lips to the back of your hand. 
- The two of you have sort of already done everything you could together; in regards to going to places at Hogsmeade and stuff like that, so you really don’t have a very extravagant first date. You both just walk around the more wooded areas of Hogwarts, talking, teasing, and nudging each others shoulders. 
- You share your first kiss that same day; he just couldn’t help himself. He was walking backwards in front of you for a while before he stopped, forcing you to stop as well. He took your face in his hands, looking into your eyes for a moment before slowly leaning in, giving you time to pull away if you wanted to.
 - Your lips met in a soft, somewhat chaste kiss and you both smiled at each other after pulling away. He kissed your forehead before wrapping his arm around you and continuing your walk.
- And just like that, everything in George’s life seems to fall perfectly into place. You’re his and he couldn’t be happier.
- Lots of Pda. He’ll usually keep his affection sorta innocent when you’re in the public eye, the idea of getting heated when one of his siblings can see is a bit awkward to him and he’s just more of a reserved person in general. The absolute most you’ll get is a makeout at a party, other than that, he’s just tooth achingly sweet. 
- He loves giving you affection but he especially loves you giving him affection. He had to share his mother and father with six siblings growing up so having one person; especially one that he loves so much, giving him their undivided and loving attention is like a dream.
- Handholding and hand kisses. He likes taking your hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it before he laces your fingers together.
- Getting pulled into his side whenever you’re standing next to him. He’ll wrap an arm around your waist and keep you close to him, finding comfort in you being all nestled into him.
- Cheek and forehead kisses.
- Having kisses pressed all over your face before he catches your lips in his. 
- Sweet and slow kisses. He likes keeping your lips on his for as long as he can. He also likes holding your face in his hands whenever he kisses you, lovingly brushing his thumb against your cheek bone as the two of you pull away. 
- You holding his face in your hands? Godlike.
- He loves when you straddle his lap as you’re snogging; nothing beats it in his eyes. 
- Sometimes, he’ll lean down and rest both his arms on your shoulder, his chin laying against his forearms/hands and there’s just something about it that never fails to fluster you; at least a little bit. It’s probably the close proximity and the fact that he brushes kisses along the back of your neck absentmindedly. 
- Princess, darling, love, etc. He adores giving you pet names. And you giving him them? He didn’t think he could love you more but he stood corrected the first time you called him one. 
- He likes spooning as much as the next boy but there’s just something about resting his head on your chest or borderline sleeping on top of you with his head in the crook of your neck that he finds so comforting. 
- Waking up next to you is one of the best feelings in the world to him. His eyes slowly opening to see the sunlight streaming on your face, hearing your soft breathing, having those snuggly, soft spoken conversations. He lives for it. 
- Him reading to you. It melted his heart the first time you cuddled up to him, asking what he was reading and saying that it sounded nice, admitting happily that you’d like to hear some when he asked if you would.
- George is used to being the one who explains things so if you have a question, he usually has the answer; and he always gives it to you with minimal teasing.
- If you ever give him a gift, just know that it will be worn, displayed or shown off with pride. He’ll always give you a kiss and an adorable thank you, showing it the upmost love as though it’s the best thing he owns. 
- He likes to rag on you for it but he secretly loves when you ask him to reach things for you. 
- Competitions and bets for kisses.
- Cheering him on at Quidditch games. Its quite funny to see how aggressive your typically sweet and fairly docile boyfriend can be whenever he’s out on the field.
- Showing him different muggle things. He’s a particular fan of Saturday morning cartoons. 
- Going to Zonkos. You’re always dragged there whenever you go to Hogsmeade, well, there’s less dragging and more relenting on your part after he gives you puppy dog eyes. 
- Going to Madam Puddifoots. He definitely feels a bit out of place but he doesn’t mind too much, he thinks it’s sort of sweet and finds the sight of you in the shop to be quite cute.
- Sneaking around the school using the marauder's map and just his impressive memory of the castles layout. You swear that he must have the entire school memorized. 
- Helping him and Fred with pranks.
- Getting to hear all about his new product and prank ideas.
- He’s sorta used to just going along with Fred's plans so he tends to be fine with whatever you want to do. He may teasingly whine and complain but he never really has an issue with any of it.
- Fred third wheeling or going on double dates with you guys, though it isn’t really third wheeling when it’s Fred; he’s just as involved in your relationship as you are. 
- Visiting the burrow and writing each other letters during your breaks. Molly absolutely loves you and welcomes you with open arms. She always finds something to invite you to.
- Helping out at the shop once they buy it. The two of you make goo goo eyes at each other from across the store and Fred teasingly pretends to gag whenever he makes eye contact with one of you afterwards.
- He somewhat fusses over you; especially when you’re out in the elements. He’ll pull your jacket collar closer to your neck, put your hat and scarf on for you, etc. He has this cute need to take care of you.
- Fred teasing the two of you; or just George when the two of them are alone. You’re pretty used to it by now but he does occasionally manage to somewhat fluster you.
- Him whispering little comments to you; especially when he’s bored. You’ll have to stifle more than a few laughs during class.
- He’s always able to make you laugh and he absolutely lives for it. It doesn’t matter if your laugh is the ugliest thing in the world, it’s still music to his ears. 
- He hates when you worry over him; though he does like the fact that you care about him enough to do so, so he’ll usually try and joke around to make you relax and feel better.
- Assuring him that you don’t mind his holiness. He’ll pretend that it doesn’t bother him but you know that it does so you take special care in reminding him that it doesn’t matter to you.  
- George has always sort of felt like the lesser twin so it means a lot to him whenever you reassure him that you only love; and have only ever loved, him. He could have proposed to you right then and there when you first said so.  
- He understands you better than anyone else. If you’re going through something, he’s right there with you, comforting you and trying his best to help. 
- We’ve got ourselves a jealous boy right here. Since George is a bit insecure, he definitely has a habit of getting jealous over you. He tries to reason with himself that it’s not his place to interrupt or ask you about the guys you’re around but sometimes he just can’t help it.
- He’s definitely a bit overprotective of you, almost in a maternal/paternal way at times. He’ll almost kill himself a dozen times for the sake of a prank but the minute you do something remotely risky, he’s trying to stop you like he’s your parent.
- Whenever anything upsetting or scary happens, he’s the first person to ask if you’re okay. He sticks by your side and watches out for you like his life depends on it.
- George is a lover, not a fighter. The two of you rarely have fights but when you do, they’re more so just arguments that may or may not get a bit heated; depending on the subject matter. 
- George has always been good at smoothing things over and understanding other peoples point of views so your arguments never last very long. You rarely ever not resolve an argument before you leave each others sides, unless you really need to leave for something, but when that happens you’re usually over it by the time you reunite again. 
- Lots of I love you’s and all kinds of them at that. He’ll say them sincerely, he’ll say them playfully, he’ll jokingly sing them; whatever comes to mind or fits the mood. He just loves to say I love you. 
- He may lose an ear but he doesn’t intend on losing you anytime soon. He knew you were the one the moment he laid eyes on you and he never ceases to be amazed by you. 
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marmalade-chainsaws · 3 years
Text
The GazettE MASS Live Talk Event
This is going off my own memory, so it’s not verbatim but the gist of things!​ Hosted again by Shimono (S).
S: A lot of the fans didn't ask many questions. A lot of them instead said that they hoped you guys were okay during this time! The fans are really worried about you! Right now, the weather is hot in Japan, isn’t it? Reita, how do you feel, wearing this outfit of yours?
Re: It’s hot. Really hot. So hot I could die.
S: Your new album, Mass, was #1 on a lot of iTunes charts, including Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand. (SOUTH EAST ASIA REPRESENT)
The guys: surprised 
A: Oh, we never went to any of those places before! (pls come to SG)
S: Do you think there is anything about your music that people can relate to?
Ru: I usually write about what I’m feeling in the present moment, and maybe people find that they can relate to us because everyone is going through the same situation around the world.
S: Were there any funny incidences during the recording of the album? It doesn’t have to be like ‘ha ha’ funny, anything interesting will do.
U: Once, when we used Zoom, there was some lag so Kai had a really funny face that was frozen. (to Kai) Hey, you should make that face again!
K: I didn't see it so I can't do it again! (laughs)
U: Sometimes I get a melody in my head, and I will use the voice recorder on my phone to record it, because I forget stuff easily.
Ru: Okay, I wanna take a look at this guy's phone now.
Everyone: laughs
S: Have they seen your voice recordings?
U: What? No, they haven’t. It's also synced with my iTunes, so sometimes when I’m listening to music and the voice recordings play, I get a shock! (bless him)
Kai also said that he uses the voice recorder to record stuff. 
S: Like the rhythm? 
K: No, usually I start with the melody
S: Oh that’s unexpected, even though you’re a drummer.
K: We all start with the melody. 
S: So in a way, all of you are guitarists?
K: Yeah, we all still play guitar and start from the melody. It was also interesting because we were all recording from home, so we were using our own home equipment that we’re familiar with. It was a bit challenging because everyone's speakers sounded different so there was a lot of tweaking involved. Like someone else’s speaker might have more bass compared to your own.
Ru: Sometimes I use the voice recorder too when I have an idea. I start with the melody, then drums, then the bass. And I could be walking down a street, or waiting for the elevator, so I’ll pretend to talk on the phone while recording. (Rooks pls) Also, remember those cellphones where you could make your own ringtone? In the past, I used that to record down a melody if I thought of one.
S: Moving on! This fan asked, “What are your favourite things to cook?” (laughs) This person assumes all of you can cook. 
A: Red wine. Just red wine.
S: Huh?! But don't you want something to eat? Like a snack maybe? 
A: It's because we're visual kei, (laughs) Ah sorry, that was a poor first answer. 
(Poor guy he attempted a joke)
Re: I just...suck the blood out of people :>  Anyway, no, I don't cook. If anything, I think only Kai-kun does so you should ask him.
( I really think he didn't want Aoi to feel bad for his bad joke lmao so he made his own)
S: Oh Reita, I heard before that you couldn’t eat egglant, but now you can. What happened?
Re: It’s not like I ever tried it. I just decided that I wouldn’t like it just looking at it. But then I tried it and I liked it.
S: And Ruki can’t eat mushrooms right?
Ru: Nope, I can’t stand them. They gross me out. Like just how they look, y’know? You see those shiitake mushrooms? And you flip them over and you can see all the tiny slits? I can’t eat that. 
A: Yeah, back in elementary school, when we were learning about plants, I was also scared of mushrooms, but in the end I got over it and now I can eat them.
K: Well, I can cook anything. I think that I can recreate something after eating it, like roughly. 
Everyone: laughs
Re: OKAY SO NAME THE COOLEST THING YOU’VE COOKED.
Kai: Uhhhh...Genovese pasta...???
Everyone: laughs 
S (to Kai): So have you cooked for them before?
K: No I don't think so, I don't have have the time. 
A: Actually, he did cook for us. It was the Genovese pasta. We were testing some products to sell, and Kai made the pasta sauce for us to try. It was nice.
K: Yeah, but anyway my favourite thing to cook is probably Italian food.
Re: Okay let's sell it (the Genovese) next time, we can sell it in a pouch.
S: So Uruha, what is your favourite food? 
U: Well...uh...I was more thinking of what I don’t like to eat. I don’t like sweets.
S: Let’s end it on a good note.
U: Okay, uh, pasta? Mentaiko pasta? (mentaiko is this creamy sauce, almost like a mayo consistency, that’s flavoured with pollock roe)
S: Oh, so Japanese style pasta. Do you think the interpreter will have trouble with translating this? Like mentaiko? Do other places have such things?
U: But anyway...it seems that big kids like mentaiko right? We used to go out to have pasta a long time ago after rehearsals and everyone would get mentaiko!
(everyone: laughs)
S: Do you guys watch your old DVDs and lives together?
A: Yeah, yeah, we do.
Ru: Yeah, I do it.
S: Reita, you’re quite particular with the image of PVs, right?
Re: Yes. It’s almost like a film. Like the front part with the car, there’s no music.
S: Cars seem to be important. (laughs) You had one in Ninth too right? A black one?
Ru: Yes. We had a black one in Ninth, and a white one in Blinding Hope. I wanted to create contrast. The white also represents hope, just like the 3 white birds flying off. 
S: Kai, as the leader, this is a sensitive question, but have you guys ever talked about disbanding? 
K: Uhhh, no? I don't think so! We do have disagreements about things, like on the music and the songs, but they aren’t fights. I don’t think it has ever come up before.
S: It’s great that you managed to answer that quickly and with such conviction! Uruha, do you agree?
U: What, I can’t just disagree right! That would create problems.
Everyone: laughs
S: Okay, this is regarding the 20th. Do you have any plans regarding this? Can you share? How about Aoi?
A: You ask me the most difficult questions! Do you hate me or something? (laughs)
S: Ah no, not at all! (laughs)
A: We definitely have plans. We have events planned here and overseas as well. I hope that we will be able to make it happen.
S: So, if this tour could happen, what would you bring? 
Re: I’ll bring food. Like Alpha Rice. All you need is hot water and you can make porridge. 
S: Is this for everyone or just yourself?
Re: Just me! I’m not sharing any of my food with the rest of them! But yes, Alpha Rice. Food could be a problem. A lot of the shops close early you see, and after the live, there’s nothing to eat. So previously, I would bring a kettle (Reita pls) and curry and that’s pretty much what I ate.
A: We should go to someone’s house after the live.
S: Isn’t your bag heavy then?
Re: Not really. Because as you eat more, the bag gets lighter.
Ru: I think it would have to be food for me too. Like ‘emergency food’. Sometimes when we’re travelling between cities, there’s really nothing to eat, so having some food would be good.
K: I never brought this before, but an iPad. I think it has everything on there.
U: I’m very happy that I brought my bluetooth speaker. When you’re travelling from city to city, each room looks different and the environment is constnatly changing and I had difficulty sleeping. But with this small bluetooh speaker, I was able to play songs that helped calm me down so that I could sleep.
A: Ah when Uruha was speaking the camera was panning over to me!
S: It’s because the 2 guitarists are so in sync they’ve become one! (Aoiha shippers feel free to scream)
A: Anyway, what I bring...is a photo of the five of us together uwu
S: But you guys are already travelling together! Why do you need a photo?!
(everyone laughs)
A: It’s different! 
Re: More like, it’s enough for him just to see us in a photo
(everyone laughs)
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kkyujikoo · 3 years
Text
These are my... 2...? Maybe 50, cents about the whole "freejk" thing. I'm gonna be extremely petty and at some points a whole lot sarcastic and it's gonna be long but I had to say it. As soon as I get my computer I'm gonna make it under read more, but the app does whatever it wants, as we know.
Listen, this ain't my first fan rodeo, and not even the first fan rodeo where I've been directly or indirectly accused of being some sort of pervert or delulu. I've been in fandom spaces since I was a teen, I was shipping mlm couples when queerbaiting in TV shows was still something that was seen as the norm rather than some cheap disgusting trick. I was there when fanfic spaces saw "slash" fics as something "different" and to be tagged with a more mature rating even when they just looked at each other.
I was in BBC's Sherlock's fandom and I shipped Johnlock during the hiatus between S3 and S4, at this point I'm not even feeling it when people call me delulu or a weirdo.
So, yeah, take this with a grain of salt: as a person who has seen thousands of times fandom drama unfolding and has lived too much of it... This whole situation is so ridiculous it makes me laugh. Like, yeah, it's maddening how people will blame anyone and everyone because they don't even see their own bias and homophobia, granted, but like... It also makes me laugh for the sheer dumbassery of the reasoning behind it all?
Like... Y'all are getting mad and for what? Because it sure as hell isn't the invasion of privacy, since y'all are watching the same content we're all watching and you're paying to see it the same way everyone else is. If you don't want to "invade their privacy", you should just... Stop watching content that isn't their music videos, RUN episodes or interviews. Memories and any kind of dvd/video that shows what they're doing behind the scenes shouldn't be part of their job as musicians, and therefore we're intruding in their privacy... Or aren't we?
Or maybe it's more nuanced than that: maybe the content they release on dvd/on their official channels is part of their job as entertainers, and it's been approved, and it's a small window THEY are granting us.
You know what's the REAL invasion of privacy and what REALLY invalidates someone autonomy? When you, who maybe aren't even paying to see that content (which is something I understand, like, dude, I'm not covered in money either), DEMAND what kind of behind the scenes content you want when I swear ABSOLUTELY NO ONE has asked you. Once again: you don't like it? You think it's some huge invasion of privacy? Don't buy it. Don't interact with it. Convince your friends to do the same. For all I care, just go and petition to boycott this kind of content. I know you won't do it, because... That's the thing, isn't it? It's not the invasion of privacy that bothers these people.
Y'all aren't mad because we get into their business or else you would have gotten real mad when we were privy to REAL private moments like people crying their hearts out.
No, no. Y'all are mad because it's "shipping content" and "fanservice" which apparently bothers you because it lacks authenticity.
Pick a side, lovelies: either you DON'T want to invade their privacy, and thus all the content they release should be focused on what fans want to see, or you WANT to know how they interact TRULY in private.
And here's the catch: "shipping content" can be anything. Shipping existed WAAAAAYYY before the word for it was invented, same way with fanfictions. Shipping means, literally, "seeing two (or more) people interact and thinking they would make a good romantic pair". That's it. That's quite literally it. Everything else is just some nuance of the concept of shipping, but at its core, it's nearly impossible to ban all shipping content when it's a group of seven people, because they should for real go in social distancing mode to do so. Most people who have parasocial relationships tend to have "ships" whether they know it or not, because we've all, at least once, looked at a dynamic from the outside and thought "oh man they look cute together". So, even if, o dear ones, your wishes were granted... What the hell do you mean by "shipping" content? Should they just film solo clips, avoiding talking about the other members? But wouldn't that be fanservice, since it's focused on pleasing the fans? (Which, ultimately, is what fanservice MEANS, and I hate to break it to y'all but the whole concept behind entertainment and thus all the content BTS releases it's... For the fans. Like, they're not going out of their way to just meet our expectations but they're certainly doing fanservice by the mere act of releasing bonus content.)
But it's not even quite that, is it? Because no one bats an eye if it's Tae kissing Nj's cheek. I've seen no hashtag against everyone - and I mean literally every one of them - wolf whistling at Nj. It's okay to show intimacy... Because they're bandmates and it's okay to be close to someone who you see basically 24/7, I hear you. And it's also okay when people see that and gush over that closeness, because it's such a nice thing to see.
Soooooo... We've got to free JK from whom exactly? From what?
Are y'all mad cause people pointed out there's very little way a bruise that stayed for a whole ass night could be a quick bite? Because that doesn't harm jk, at most makes fun of him and jimin and their poor excuses (seriously, guys, next time consider using mosquitoes or "I was doing stuff". It'll be equally embarrassing but at least the meme will be funny), and it's literally... A fair observation. Like. It's a hickey, people are gonna make jokes about seeing a hickey and poor excuses of covering it up in the exact same way they're gonna make jokes over jimin falling out of chairs. And yeah, a hickey is AT LEAST something that happens in a sensual context. Like, I could understand "people who are extremely familiar with each other will have different body language/touch in areas where usually you wouldn't see friends touching each other", but that's not. Not a hand on the thigh. It's a hickey on the neck. I don't even know a more stereotypical placing for a hickey. But once again, are y'all mad because someone is pointing it out? Because that's not being delulu or even being a shipper, really, it's just commenting on something that was approved to be shown and discussed in something that was released BY THEM.
Are y'all mad at hybe for showing something that literally fell onto their hands? Cause like, unless someone (I'm counting on Jimin, since as we know Jungkook was busy spinning him round and round and had both his hands busy) called at hybe headquarters to say "yo bang pd substitute, is it okay if I give my friend jk here a hickey? Cause he's being really annoying rn and he has to pay", I highly doubt anyone expected Jungkook to come to rehearsal all neatly marked up. Or idk, maybe someone at hybe asked them "we need Jungkook to come in with a hickey but refuse to say it's a hickey, so that fans will feel reeeeally served." That sounds perfectly plausible too. Or a good marketing strategy.
Now, if you're a big company and your objective is to have some footage of the rehearsals for a concert, and the fandom is too good at noticing stuff for their own good, and one of your artists comes in with a very visible mark, and he and his bff bropal4lyfe come n with a story about how they were playing and a bite happened, you've got three choices: 1. Cut the artist out of aaaaalll the footage. Someone would have noticed the "bite mark" anyway, you best believe that. If you don't want anyone to notice it, you gotta cut him in most of the footage where it's visible. 2. Keep the hickey, discard the explanations. You could do that, but also it would feel a lot more unfaithful to everyone involved. Also they clearly worked their ass off to invent an explanation, come on! They truly tried to do their best inventing something that was not "it's a mosquito bite", they should get some credit! 3. Keep the bite, keep the explanation.
Notice how none of these solutions include the biting never happening because... They couldn't prevent it? The only thing they have any control over is how they're framing each "accident". And that's not an easy job.
I applaud you, people on the editing team.
So... On whom should we cast the blame now? Ah, yes, I think it's finally time for the ultimate scapegoat of this fandom: Jimin. Which is funny, cause... You know... If this were really about privacy, or being "victims" of shipping... This should be about freeing him too, you know? But obviously Jimin does it for attention, while Jungkook, poor angel that he is, doesn't even know what shipping is.
Furthermore, don't we all know how much Jimin imposes himself in Jungkook's life? To the point where he, multimillionaire man feels compelled to share a car with Jimin even if they're both late in the process. And can't you see how uncomfortable he is, draping himself over Jimin, making Jimin drap himself over him?
Oh lordy, truly such an awful eight years Jungkook spent, choosing to have vacations with someone who made him uncomfortable, spending free time with him, even having to suck his ear in public to the point you can see his saliva just because Jimin was sad :( truly an all-around bad time for Jungkook, as evidenced by alllll those times when he said Jimin was pretty, cute, and all-around knowing every little thing about Jimin. I absolutely concur, the dude would be so much more happy if jimin was not in his life.
Did that sound weird and absolutely ridiculous and a really absurd joke? Because that's what y'all sound like to me. Like. Jungkook is out there living his best life, getting hickeys and showered in affection and y'all paint him as a fucking martyr??? I'm sure he's really truly desperate that Jimin holds him in such high regards 😭😭😭 I can see him suffering whenever he starts doing his own serendipity rendition 😭😭 and when he claimed you are me, I am you as his and Jimin's only 😭😭😭 I cannot believe this poor baby 😭😭😭
I've reached a point where every time I hear this stuff I laugh because the levels of twisting reality when it comes to jikook are extraordinary, Jungkook will have a literally blissed out face and people will cry in outrage.
But coming back to my point: let's pretend you're not mad at Jimin and the possibility that jikook are dating: are y'all mad... At the hickey? Because at this point it seems like the only feasible solution. And if you are, do not worry: I'm sure Jungkook's skin was throughly healed by his boo. A kiss soothes even the worst pain, doesn't it?
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veliseraptor · 3 years
Note
Okay I'm new to this fandom and I'm a bit confused. Did Xue Yang and Meng Yao know each other? Did Meng Yao free him?👀Do xue yang know he has a parentage that dabbled in demonic cultivation?
congratulations, anon! you have hit the nail on the head of one of my perennial aggravations about cql-canon specific details, which is to say ‘what the hell is the deal supposed to be with meng yao and xue yang in qinghe?’
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there is no real indication that they might have known each other except some meaningful side-eyes going on that don’t make a lot of sense in context other than, maybe, pre-flagging the idea that meng yao is ~problematic~ and ~untrustworthy~ I guess? (which, ask me how I feel about the idea that everything jin guangyao does forever is bad and sinister, regardless of timeline, effect, or motivation). but there’s no real, substantive indication (up until the empathy flashback in ep 41, I’ll get there) that they are familiar with each other, or that they actually do any collaborating at that point.
you could definitely headcanon them as knowing each other previously based on the fact that they both grew up in less than ideal circumstances, shall we say, but I don’t think there’s any evidence for it in-text other than aforementioned meaningful side-eyes. in fact, canonically we know where they both grew up locationwise and it wasn’t in the same place. but like, seriously.
(and holy shit this got long, I’ll spare you all with a read more. also: I have broken my usual ‘referring to jin guangyao as jin guangyao always’ rule for the sake of this post given that it is specifically about the era where he is going by meng yao, but it did feel really weird.)
speaking specifically with what we see in text (in episode 10), we see meng yao argue against executing xue yang, but only after wei wuxian has done so first. the next explicit link between them is when meng yao leaves the fight between wen zhuliu and nie mingjue saying that he’s going to go check on xue yang; following that, we’re told that xue yang has escaped and meng yao claims he saw the captain free him.
which is, considering the fact that he’s killing the captain at the time, a highly suspect statement to make.
there’s no reason for meng yao to be working with xue yang at this point! there’s just not! it doesn’t make sense for him even from a purely self-interested standpoint and, again, at this point in canon there’s no actual reason to believe that they have any prior familiarity.
(’but lise what about the flashback-’ yes I’ll get there.)
if you want my personal reading, which I think is compatible with the text as we see it, it goes like this:
1. xue yang quickly notices meng yao as a potentially interesting person. I don’t think it’s about seeing him as an ally or knowing him from anything beforehand - I think it’s about seeing him as interesting and kind of funny.
2. meng yao registers that there’s a distinct possibility of nie mingjue dying and/or the wen sect attacking the nie in force and decides to short-circuit that by just freeing xue yang himself, because he knows nie mingjue won’t do it but if xue yang’s gone then that (at least temporarily) solves their wen problem.
my evidence for this is based around the timing of when meng yao leaves to “check on” xue yang (mid-fight, specifically after wen zhuliu, inarguably a greater threat, takes over from wen chao), the fact that he looks definitely concerned when he does so, and the fact that, given where he is at this point, letting xue yang out otherwise makes no sense.
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this does not strike me as the face of a person who is a-plottin some sinister business, and this isn’t a face he’s making at anyone, either; this is pure ‘ah fuck this ain’t good’ expression.
(yes, yes, I know, episode 41 flashback, I told you that we’d get there.)
3. meng yao frees xue yang, probably hoping he can make it as bloodless as possible; xue yang, in xue yang fashion, makes it as bloody as possible; meng yao sees his chance to do something about the guy he has always hated and who has repeatedly undermined him, and who probably also caught him in the middle of an incriminating action that nie mingjue would absolutely not accept as justifiable.
4. xue yang bounces, leaving jin guangyao caught holding the sword and surrounded by several dead bodies.
and then they don’t see each other again until xue yang ends up at jinlintai at some unspecified point down the timeline.
regarding the episode 41 flashback (see? I promised!), the view we get of meng yao talking with an unspecified person heavily implied to be xue yang doesn’t make sense in some very critical ways that also align with the selective editing that nie mingjue’s memories seem to have done on incidents we previously saw from a (presumably) omniscient perspective. many people other than me (see here, here, and here for some examples) have written eloquently about the disparities between the scenes as we see them in earlier episodes compared to what we see in the flashback, and how that suggests at least some unreliability of nie mingjue’s memories despite their presentation, since they are visually coeval with the rest of canon, as equally reliable. 
(what would be different if the empathy flashbacks were in some way visually demarcated, I wonder? it’s a thought. I like that they’re not because unreliability of narrative/narrator is such a theme, but.)
ANYWAY, regarding the section where we see that conversation between the captain and meng yao, now with bonus mysterious feet (implied to be xue yang) - a few things stand out to me.
one: nie mingjue has no way of having seen this - no personal access to what he’s supposedly seeing in his own memory. this suggests the possibility, at least, that this is a fabricated assumption of a memory. (”I believe this happened, and this is how I would reconstruct it happening.”)
two: possibly more significantly: the scene as played here doesn’t fit with canon as we see it in episode 10 itself. the scene with the captain and meng yao, as we see it earlier, includes here several additional lines of dialogue. considering the other discrepancies within the empathy flashback with previously seen canon, episode ten’s version, by virtue of not taking place within a (flashback of a) flashback and within the pov of an extremely biased character, could be read as more reliable.
see also: the flashback with the captain seeing meng yao talking to someone (implied to be xue yang) is placed directly after nie mingjue accuses meng yao of plotting with xue yang - an accusation he doesn’t make in the scene as it originally plays in episode 10. this is another place where there are several lines of dialogue that weren’t present in the earlier version of the scene, inserted apparently seamlessly into the record.
taken together, with the above where it does not make sense to me that meng yao was ~plotting~ with xue yang prior to freeing him as a way of getting the wens off nie mingjue’s back, I’m inclined to think that moment in the episode 41 flashback is a nie mingjue-generated presumption of what must have happened, rather than a factual account of what did.
meng yao’s choices in episode 10 make much more sense - as someone who, if nothing else, is definitely interested in preserving his position as part of the nie sect, but who also values nie mingjue’s life at that point enough to take a sword to the chest for him - if you don’t take that at face value.
regarding the second part of your question about the xue yang/xue chonghai connection - cql seems to indicate that he has some awareness maybe, based on his conversation with wei wuxian in episode 37? at least, he has access to Lore involving the yin iron that others were unaware of
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and had one piece in his possession apparently pre-canon.
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but honestly that’s a bit of cql canon that I pretty much ignore completely and sometimes forget about, though there are certainly interesting things that can be done with it.
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astro-rain · 3 years
Text
delicate; b.barnes
chapter seventeen - “wouldn’t dream of it”
delicate masterlist
word count: 4.7k
synopsis: reader has a strange dream that ends up bringing on a cascade of various events and feelings.
pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader
A/N: feel free to drop any opinions/thoughts/predictions below (or in my asks if u wanna be anonymous!!)
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She would have woken up from a night's sleep saturated with regret... if she had slept a wink. She spent the night tossing and turning, and at about five in the morning, the pursuit of rest was abandoned.
Forcefully and exasperatedly, she sat straight up, glaring at the clock and letting the blanket pool around her waist. Y/N had her weekly meeting with Shuri at nine o'clock... that meant four hours to kill. More like four more hours of trudging through thoughts, memories, questions, and fears surrounding the previous day. Four more hours of ruminating over Bucky Barnes. This seemed to become a reoccurring activity her life.
She stared at the wall, thinking about how before, there was at least the excuse of being drunk: maybe not completely knowing what she was doing, maybe not remembering something correctly. But they were sober this time... she was sober. And what struck her was that, when it happened, when he kissed her, there was no moment of initial startle. There was no surprise jerk back or woah-what-are-you-doing response. Their bodies just fell into form. She just fell into form. Like it was an instinct. Like they were both used to it, and had done it a number of times before.
She wasn't sure what shocked her more: the fact that he kissed her or the fact that she kissed him back. Was he being bold? Or did she lead him on? Had she been leading him on? He wouldn't have done it on his own account, right? She had a degree of difficulty in believing she was wanted. Truly.
She could've sworn that she wasn't this emotionally invested. She could've sworn that if she couldn't control what she was feeling, she could at least control what she was doing. She rubbed her eyes, wondering where she went so wrong. It probably happened at some point during the isolated time she had been spending with Bucky in a secret corner of the world, not minding the least bit that she had been away from home and work for months whilst working on a project hardly anyone else was even aware of.
Even with all this in mind, she didn't seem to care. She didn't really mind that she hadn't been home in ages, it didn't really bother her that she might be in trouble when she gets back for helping enemy of the state Sharon Carter, runaway fugitive Steve Rogers, or war criminal James Buchanan Barnes. Because every time she thought about the consequences, it just didn't seem to matter more than what was keeping her in Wakanda... Besides, she guessed Bucky would probably be pardoned and after everything settled down, who would pay any attention to her? It's not like she mattered in the grand scheme.
As soon as that very thought arose, she could hear Bucky's voice scolding her in the back of her head. Why was he always there?
Frustrated, she groaned into the air in front of her. Her feelings were so confusing, she wasn't even sure what exactly it was she felt towards Bucky. On one hand, she felt fiercely protective over him: she'd go down fighting before she'd let anyone lay a hand on him, prepared to stay in his corner forever, ready on defense.
But at the same time, she felt this ineffable sense of warmth for him. Like one look at the way his eyes crinkle when he smiled, and she'd turn soft as water. Like being in his vicinity smoothed out the rough around her edges.
And if all this wasn't enough, now she had been touched by him, she had felt his lips and the gentleness in his skin. This brought a cascade of new feelings, ones she knew she had to hide. It... was definitely a problem. She knew, don't get her wrong, she knew it was a problem. As much as she understood this irrefutable fact, the numbness in her lips just wouldn't go away. He had remained with her even hours later. She couldn't get rid of his heartbeat; it was still in her hand. She could still feel him.
Basically, she knew this most recent development was an issue. She knew it was bad, wrong, worrisome, and whatever else. And knowing this, recognizing the very hot water she was in, the only thing she could focus on was trying to ignore the recurrent desire to be near him, to find him and be close to him.
"Fuck."
She plopped back down on her back and elected to cast a burning glare at the ceiling until she had to get ready for her meeting.
"I think it might be too hot for this," she complained with a smile on her face.
"It was your idea," he said, a few steps ahead of her, "and we're almost there, so buck up."
She laughed. He smiled at the sound.
"What?" he asked.
"You said buck up. Like Buck... Bucky. Like you."
He just looked at her, amused. Sun kissed and happy.
"It's fitting," she shrugged, grinning.
"Guess so. Hurry up, slow poke. You're gonna fall behind."
"I'm already behind," she huffed . "Your super soldier legs are too fast for me."
"Well," he stopped short and she finally caught up, standing right beside him, "we're here. So worry not."
He looked over at her to find her already looking at him. Funny how their eyes always found each other like that.
"What?" he asked again, not able to help how the corners of his mouth turned up just slightly.
"Nothin.’ Everything," she shrugged. "You."
Perhaps she just liked looking at him. Him and his long hair and light eyes. Was that such a crime? His skin looked caramelized under the sun. She wanted to reach out and touch him.
"You're a real peach, y'know that?" he smirked.
She looked away, pretending to find the grass around them spectacularly interesting while hiding a dopey smile at his compliment.
"Hey, doll face. I'm a lot more fun than the grass, I swear," he teased. "Lemme see my favorite face."
"Hold on." She got an idea.
She reached down beside her and plucked a flower from the soil.
"A little hibiscus," she smiled, tucking the small flower behind his ear. God, he was just so pretty.
She stood back, satisfied with her decor. She sighed, content. How couldn't she be? She was looking at two of the most beautiful things. Flowers and Bucky.
As soon as it was securely in place, Bucky bent down to pick the hibiscus that sat right next to the one Y/N chose. Mirroring her actions, he placed it behind her ear.
"A little hibiscus," he repeated fondly, "for a real peach!"
She didn't dare try to hide the next dopey grin while taking in the sight before her, of Bucky beaming in the sunlight with a flower in his hair. Looking at this, she understood why mankind began to paint. Why there needed to be someway to capture something as precious as this, some method of preserving something so idyllic and beautiful and pure and perfect.
Perfect like the cool, fresh water of the lake. Their lake. Their place. The flowing, breathing water she felt around her waist. They floated around, her and Bucky, as light as air in that lake.
The two were weightless, adoration suspended in animation. The water preserved the feeling of feather light kisses and chests pressed together and hands beginning to roam. If only she could be closer to him. Her fingers in his hair and his palms on either side of her face wasn't enough. She needed more. More, more, more of him.
Skin is so soft and the sun is so warm and soon enough, the water was up to her shoulders as his arms ran up her back. Arms plural, she noticed. He held her with both, protectively enclosing the longing feeling between them.
"Oh, fucking hell!" Y/N sprang up, throwing the blanket off of her.
She must've fallen asleep... and began to dream... She could imagine if her brain was a person, it'd be laughing at her for that.
Why? Why? What was the reason for this? There was no point! How frustrating! How embarrassing that her mind betrayed her with dreams of him.
"God damn it," she swore under her breath.
She wanted to angrily shake her fist in the air like vengeful cartoon character, as she got out of bed and headed towards her wardrobe.
It was 8 a.m. One hour until her meeting with Shuri. She would spend the time changing her outfit until it was distracting enough to draw her attention away from thoughts of that damn lake... and his damn hands...
"My friend!" Shuri greeted in her usual upbeat manner. "How are you? How are things?"
There was absolutely no way to answer this honestly.
"I'm doin' well. Same old, same old. How 'bout you?"
"Good as always," she smiled. "Thank you."
Y/N took a seat at one of the tables in Shuri's lab. "So how is T'Challa doing with Nakia?"
"Oh, who knows these days! He is so awkward, I have no idea!"
They both laughed. Y/N was glad she and Shuri were able to talk like this. They weren't just robotic colleagues who only communicated when they needed to. They were partners, and they worked well together.
The meeting commenced like it did every other week. Updates on Bucky's progress, new ideas or adjustments to treatment or planning, going over scans or data, you name it. But this time, she had something else in mind. Something that a dream reminded her of. She had mentioned maybe getting her hands on a prosthetic for Bucky. She wasn’t familiar with the prosthetics industry in Wakanda, but they could probably make something work.
Was that too much? Did she care too much? Was she showing too much regard for him? Was this too much to ask of her?
"Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when I talked about prosthetics?"
"Of course," Shuri smiled. She genuinely enjoyed her partner - her partner who was intelligent, confident, and articulate but still sometimes sounded shy. "You wanna see what I've been working on?"
"You... you ordered one? I didn't-"
"Oh, no. Not ordered. Just you wait," she said, pulling out a drawer to dig amongst papers. "I've been workin' my magic."
Shuri pulled out a manilla folder that had W.W. - Proj. 1 printed on it.
She dropped the folder in front of the psychologist who sat across from her, gesturing for her to look through it. Y/N opened it to see several pages of prosthetics research, information on cybernetics and various designs for a bionic arm.
"Oh... wow." Y/N marveled.
"What do you think?"
"It's incredible," Y/N shook her head. "I didn't- ... I thought you meant you bought one or something. I didn't know you designed one"
"I didn't just design it. I made it."
"You- what?"
"Yep. First model ready for use. Do you want to see it?"
"I'd love to."
Shuri walked her over to a large, rectangular case in the side of the lab.
"Holy shit," she let slip.
The arm was astounding: a glossy black with ridges etched in a shiny gold. It glimmered, sitting in its casing.
Shuri laughed. Thank you."
"Sorry. Excuse my French. This is... remarkable. Can I give it to him?"
"I suppose so. It hasn't got much use just sitting in my lab."
Excitement grew in her chest. Bucky would be able to have an arm he was in control of, one that wasn't forcefully attached to him and used as a weapon. In a way, he would be gaining a sense of autonomy. God, she wanted to see him right away and tell him the news. She was happy to make Bucky happy.
"Oh," Shuri perked her head up. "And there was something else I wanted to talk to you about."
"Yeah, what's up?"
"You're aware of the trigger words, correct?"
"Of course."
"I'm close to fully deconstructing the mind control, but there's no way to know for sure unless we test it out..."
Oh. The excitement dissipated and her stomach dropped. She didn't mean...
"You don't mean..."
"The effect and response of the words needs to be tested on him."
Oh God. There was no way this would be easy.
"And you need to be the one to do it."
Fuck.
"Me?" she tried to hide her shock, her worry, her now overwhelming urge to protect him. "How come?"
"It seems like he trusts you most out of everyone here. I consulted with the Doras about safety and we think that if something were to go wrong, it'd be safest to happen with you. Of course they'll be nearby, but you'd be the one mostly likely to be able to control him in that state."
Her mouth went dry. Control him? She could never. She would never. She knew, in depth, the anguish he carried in his bones as a result of being trapped as a weapon wielded by other people. The thought of her controlling him made her skin crawl.
She knew how much he feared the Winter Soldier and how he would hate losing touch with himself again. He's been free from this kind of violation for a while now; she had very much rather not take that freedom away.
At the same time, she understood how this test was necessary for a full recovery and rehabilitation. And who knows if the words will even work? Maybe she'll say them and nothing will even happen.
He would have to get over this obstacle in order to make it to the other side clean. She could only imagine how scary this would be for him. But she'd be damned if she wasn't going to be right there with him.
"Okay," she said dryly. "When... when are we gonna do this?"
"Not yet but soon. I'll keep you updated."
The rest of the meeting carried on as usual, but Y/N might as well have not even been there. Her mind was off. Off somewhere trying to think of how to tell Bucky the news. The very last thing in the world she wanted to do was hurt him. She'd take his place if she could.
As soon as she was free from the calm, professional facade she had going with Shuri, she found herself speed walking back to where Bucky was. She needed to get to him. Now.
When his hut was in sight, she was nervous. She was nervous before, she supposed. She just wanted everything to be okay.
"Buck," she called, a few steps away from the entryway. "I need to talk to you!"
When she stepped inside she froze in place, staring blankly at the two super soldiers in front of her instead of the one she expected. Two as in Bucky and Steve.
"Y/N," Bucky stood up. He sounded surprised.
"Oh-uh," she stuttered. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I can come back later."
"That's okay," Steve's voice was gentle. "I'll leave you... to it."
Steve threw Bucky a look she couldn't quite decipher before he left. Bucky just looked panicked.
And soon enough they were alone. They stood directly in front of each other, but with a noticeably awkward amount of space between them. The tiny part of her brain that was still mulling over the dream wanted him closer.
"Hey," he said softly.
"Hey..."
"You wanted to talk?"
"Yeah," she breathed. "It's uh... there's kind of a lot."
"Look, about yesterday, I-"
Oh. She completely forgot about that. Well, not completely. There was no way she could forget that. But, at the moment there were more pressing matters on her mind.
"It's not about yesterday."
"It's...not?"
"No. I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"
"Uh... bad news?"
She took a steady breath in. She wasn't sure exactly how to tell him, she just knew he needed to know. He deserved nothing but the truth.
"So, I was just with Shuri and we discussed the next step in your treatment..."
He said nothing, waiting for the aforementioned "bad news." She continued.
"Apparently, we have to test the trigger words on you..."
His expression dropped and she watched all the color drain from his face.
"I know. I'm sorry. I don't wanna do it, but we have to do it to see if it's really outta your head."
"Yeah, that's the problem," he finally spoke. "What if it's not? Then I hurt someone - or multiple people. There's gotta be some other way to test it."
"You're not going to hurt anyone. Or multiple people."
"How can you say that?"
"It's just gonna be the two of us."
"What?!"
"Shuri thought the safest way of doing this was for me to conduct the test. That way, if things ever got out of hand, which is very unlikely to happen, I'd be the best bet at... handling... that situation. Since you know me the best."
"No way. There's no way. I thought you meant they were gonna strap me down and have some lab tech read them. This is way too unsafe-"
"Strap you down? Bucky, no-"
He still saw himself as an animal that needed to be contained. Muzzled.
"What if I hurt you?" his voice shook just a little.
The fear in his eyes was potent. It made her angry. Angry at Hydra and whoever the fuck else had a hand in this sin against the kind and gentle man who stood before her. The man who was genuinely scared of himself. How dare they make him feel so unsafe within his own mind, within his own body. All she wanted to do was make it better, and suddenly, she could no longer stand for the distance between them. She stepped forward and grasped his hand between both of hers.
"I trust you, Buck," she smiled a small but earnest smile, letting him know that she truly was here for him. "Entirely. I promise. Okay?"
He nodded, still reluctant and entirely scared.
"Do you trust me?" she asked.
"I do. I trust you, I do," he cast his glance downwards, almost in shame. "It's myself I don't trust."
Her chest twisted with an emotion difficult to place. Mostly, it was the desire to take every ounce of pain away. She wished she could just snap her fingers and make it fade into nothing.
"That's okay," she said.
He looked back up at her, confused.
"You don't have to trust yourself. That's hard enough as it is and Hydra didn't make it any easier. You just trust me, alright? I'm the one reading the words, so, even though I'd hate it, if you were to be... activated... you'd be listening to me not trying to fight me," she squeezed his hand. "And I will not let anything happen to you."
"I'm not worried about me..."
She knew. She was not stupid; she knew that Bucky was separate from the Winter Soldier and that theoretically, the Winter Soldier - and only the Winter Soldier - had the potential to hurt her. She wasn't blind to the dangers, but she also wasn't blind to the fact that there was no exact science to brainwashing. Whos to say nothing could ever seep through the programming? She knew what happened with Bucky when he was forced to fight Steve for the first time. How it changed him.
Even though the Winter Soldier was in there, there was more of Bucky. She knew that for sure. And she needed to make sure he knew one thing: even if the Winter Soldier was trying to claw his way back and entire world was against him, she saw Bucky and trusted Bucky and believed in Bucky. She was a constant. And she wouldn’t give up on him.
"What, you're worried about me?" she joked, lightheartedly. She took the hand she was holding and pressed it against her cheek. "This wouldn't hurt me, James Buchanan."
He sighed, feeling the warmth from her face. He did not deserve this kindness and he definitely did not trust himself despite her trust in him. Of course Bucky would never hurt her. But Bucky wasn't the Winter Soldier. And he didn't have the heart to tell her what the Winter Soldier could or would do. He didn't have the stomach to even think about what would happen if the Winter Soldier actually did something.
But there was something about the way she believed in him, the way her conviction was so strong. It made him almost start to doubt these feelings. He could never be sure of everything being okay, but at least he could be sure of her.
"Okay," he whispered.
"Okay?"
"I'll do it."
"Alright," she smiled.
She removed his hand from her face, but still held onto it.
"And even if you did try to fight me, I think I could go a couple rounds in the ring with the Winter Soldier. I'm big and tough."
They both laughed knowing she had very minimal fight training.
"You'd definitely kick my ass," Bucky chuckled.
She just smiled. And then her eyes grew wide.
"Oh! You wanna know the good news?"
"F'course."
Bucky watched her briefly disappear through the entryway before returning with a big, rectangular case. He raised an eyebrow.
"That's good news? What is it, a bomb?"
"I don't do bombs... arson only."
The look on his face made her wonder if he actually questioned whether or not she was serious. She fought laughter as she opened the case. It was silent for a moment. Y/N looked at him, waiting for a reaction.
"Is that... for me?"
"All yours, Buck. A favor I asked of Shuri."
She told him about the arm. Told him about Shuri's design, and the features and functionality. She didn't mention what made her think to ask Shuri, but that surely wasn't important.
"It's really cool, and like super sleek and badass. But more importantly, it will make you feel more... I don't wanna say regular 'cause nothing about you is regular," a shy smile slipped. "But more... how you're used to having your body feel and function."
"That's..." he shook his head before looking up and making dauntingly deliberate eye contact. "Thank you. For thinkin' of me. I mean it. I hope it wasn't too much trouble for her to make it."
"Nothin's too much trouble, Bucky. You're worth it."
"You're a real peach, y’know that?"
Suddenly she looked abashed. Did he say something wrong?
"Sorry- I didn't-"
"No, it's okay. I just got a weird sense of déjà vu. Don't worry about it."
He looked at her like he didn't quite believe her, but she tried not to think too hard about it.
"So..." Bucky gestured towards the arm. "...what do we do with this?"
"You wanna try it on?"
His brows shot up. "Oh! I mean- sure- I guess so, yeah."
She tried to pick it up and nearly threw her back out. "Jesus!"
"Woah there, tiger," he withheld a laugh, putting a hand under the vibranium arm to hold most of its weight.
"Okay, sit down," she ordered, both of them fumbling to hold onto the arm. "Shuri told me how to get the arm on. There's some... magnetic thing. I don't even know - it was some complex engineering lingo. Not my field."
After a couple minutes, clumsy hands attempting awkward assembly, and several curse words later... the arm was attached. They both stood as Bucky stuck out the bionic arm, admiring it and Y/N leaned back, admiring him. Wow.
Bucky smiled, holding both his forearms out - palms facing up - to see how they moved. "This is incredible."
He turned to her. "You're incredible. Thank you."
"No problem at all," she stepped forward. "How does it feel?"
Her hands found their way below his, cupping the underneath of them with a feather light touch. "How do you feel?"
"More... balanced," he laughed. "Coordinated?"
"Steady?"
"Absolutely."
"Stronger?"
"Definitely."
She looked up at him. "Confident? More comfortable in your own skin? That's what's most important."
He gripped her hands. "For sure. Thanks to you."
"Glad I could help. Just wanna make you feel more like yourself, you know?"
"I feel the most like myself when I'm with you," he nearly whispered.
He smiled, and then did something... unexpected. He let go of one of her hands and with the other, he twirled her around as if they were dancing. She went along with the movement, body falling in sync it even though she was confused.
"You make me wanna dance again."
With his voice so endearing, and his heart so spirited, the world around them fell quiet. She stepped forward and rested her hand on his shoulder. Then she placed one of his hands on her waist, and held the other out to the side, fingers intertwined with hers. And oh, the feeling of his hands on her; it was nearly overwhelming.
"Then dance."
And they swayed. They swayed to nothing, to the sweet sound of finding comfort in another person. She let her eyes flutter shut, allowed her guard to come down for just a moment. Just this moment. With him.
Bucky broke the silence with a shy question. "So yesterday... what does that mean for-"
"Let's just keep it between us."
"What do you mean?"
"It was a moment - like this one. I think I think too much, and I may have overreacted before. It doesn't have to be some cumbersome ordeal. It's just us."
"We're good then?"
"We're good."
"Good. 'Cause I like this."
She inhaled and smiled at the feeling of him inside her lungs. They continued swaying as they continued talking.
"You were in my dream you know?"
"Was I?"
"You were."
"Could I fly?"
"No," she laughed. "You were - well we, actually, were walking to that lake."
"To swim?"
Not exactly...
"I don't know. It's kinda foggy and didn't make much sense since it was a dream but we were definitely there."
"Did I say anything existentially insightful?" he joked.
"I don't remember much of what we said, but I remember how it felt."
"How... how did it feel?"
There she went again. She could feel herself slipping, but found it hard to care. She closed her eyes, thinking back to hibiscuses and Bucky's arms.
"The water and sun on my skin felt kind of like this," her hands ran up his sides dangerously slow and settled behind his neck, finger tips tangling into the ends of his hair.
His breath faltered. "Is that so?"
Unconsciously, his other hand found her waist and somehow the little space between them grew even smaller.
"Mhm," she hummed. "and the sight of a flower in your hair felt kind of like this."
Her hands moved to cup his face, the soft skin of her palm settling on his jawline.
"It was so pretty," she sighed.
"Yeah... pretty," he agreed. But he wasn't talking about the dream or the flower.
"And... your arms and your hands... felt kind of like this."
Gently, she pulled his face down to hers, though he needed no guidance or encouragement. When their lips met, that feelings of incompletion and longing, which had been prickling the back of her mind since the previous day, finally went away. They dissolved into fingers pressing into her hips, soft stubble tickling her cheek, and the delightfully encompassing presence of him.
She wasn't sure how long it was until they separated and words were spoken again. All she really recognized what that she was out of breath.
"And to think I was going to apologize for yesterday," Bucky smirked.
"I had to return the favor."
"And I gotta make up for lost time"
"Well, please don't let me stop you."
And he didn't. They continued right where they left off, except this time, it felt much too similar to something she had felt before. Hands began to roam just like they did in her dream.
The only thing was, her dream was cut short. She had no idea how it ended. But his hands were everywhere and it was all her senses could register. He was everywhere: her lips, her neck, her collar bones. She was burning.
The air ran out of her chest, and her voice was barely a breathy sigh. "Don't stop."
She could feel his smile on her skin. "Wouldn't dream of it."
-
The next morning, she awoke entwined in his arms - both of them.
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Always There (Faramir x Gender Neutral!reader)
Request: I'd like to send a Faramir request! And I thought maybe just some fluff, confessing their love to each other? ~ @midearthwritings
Word count: 2249 (sorry I got carried away, it was fun lol)
Warnings: The teensiest bit of angst, fluff, and kissing?
A/N Alright, I thoroughly enjoyed making this one, I always love me some Faramir! Just for reference, I have not gotten to Return of the King yet, I have only watched the movie, so if something seems to be incorrect, my deepest apologies. And yes, I bent the story to match my thoughts. It’s fine. Thank you so much to @guardianofrivendell for helping me with some scenes! Also, a Quisby is a lazy-ass and a yaldson is the son of a prostitute. I looked up medieval insults and thought they were pretty funny. May or may not be using them on my friends...
Denethor was a quisby, a yaldson. You clenched your jaw, seething with anger. You couldn’t say much, for fear of upsetting the king, no, the Steward. But he was sending his only son left to battle. A battle that he could not win. No one would survive. Wasteful. And he sent the love of your life.
Faramir had always been special to you. When you were younger you were closer with Boromir, but as you all grew up, fitting the molds made for you, things changed. Boromir was always learning policy and diplomacy as his father’s right hand. Faramir was left behind with the lesser jobs, that most would consider unpleasant for someone used to a grandeur life. You bonded quickly, soon knowing even the most minuscule details about each other. And all was well. Until Osgiliath was taken again. With Boromir’s success came more criticism of Faramir. This also led to Boromir sent to a secret council regarding a weapon that could change the war. But Boromir never returned from the mission. He never made it back home. To Faramir and you. 
Denethor took the news horribly, but nothing compared to Faramir. He was distraught, hiding the most of his pain. He only confided in you, how lost and unappreciated he felt. He didn’t understand how those words also hurt you, carving deeper into the fresh wound of grief. He didn’t realize how much you appreciated him, how blind he was to your love. It was all you could do to not unravel then and there, piece by piece. But you held strong, for his sake. He had no one left but you. His father did not care for him. His brother who showered him with affection and praise was gone. It was just you two. 
And now he was gone, sent on a death mission, little chance of making it back. You found yourself in your room, not remembering how you got there. Tears were streaming down your face, slowing down to your chin. You went onto the balcony, luckily one that did not face the battle. It would be unbearable to see it. You curled up, your back pressed against the cool stone. You wished you had told him. Told him how you had felt. You relished the memories you shared with him. Even though he only saw you as a friend, no more. The day passed quickly, but you stayed where you were, hidden. And then, a horn sounded. They were back. At least whoever was left. But there were worse things heading towards the gates. Gondor was under attack.
You rushed to the gates, your thoughts clouded with panic. Only one thought was constant. Where was Faramir? You reached the guards at the front. 
“What happened? Who made it back?” You said hurriedly, seeing no signs of injury in the guards nearby. 
“Only the Captain of Gondor made it back ma’am, he was injured horribly. Taken back to the citadel is what I heard. Hardly going to last the night.” The guard looked at you, concerned. “Are you the one Faramir talked about? I was by his side all through Osgiliath. Pardon me if I’m mistaken, but you like precisely like what he described.”
You bowed your head, cheeks a hint darker than normal. It didn’t matter, he only talked about you as a friend. And besides, he was horribly injured. This should be the last thing on your mind. “Aye, that would be me. But excuse me, I must be on my way. I need to find him.” 
You turned from the slightly bemused guard and walked as quickly as you could without causing alarm. Although at this point, everybody had to have known about Faramir. Everyone except you. You turned a corner, quite distracted, and slammed into someone. 
“Oh, I am terribly sorry I- what on Middle Earth?” You stuttered. A child looked up at you, no, not a child, but he was small enough to be a child. Not a dwarf though. Something completely different. 
“Oh hello there! I’m guessing you have never seen a hobbit before! My name is Pippin, and don’t worry about accidentally running into me, it happens a lot. You look very in distress. What is wrong? Also, I am looking for a friend, so if you happen to see him please let me know.” The hobbit, Pippin babbled. You were a bit overwhelmed from everything you were going through but luckily found the patience to deal with this energetic hobbit. 
“Oh, I am looking for a friend as well, his name is Faramir if you manage to find him. And don’t worry little one, I am just worried for his sake.” You responded back quickly, hoping to move on your way. 
Unfortunately for you, the hobbit had different plans. “Oh yes, I am also looking for Faramir, as well as Gandalf. I saw him being led away, and I heard a mutter about the Steward going insane. I am trying to find him to help. But the trouble is brewing, and the fighting will start soon. I am worried, very worried.” Pippin babbled on as you searched the streets for this Gandalf. 
After a little while, he finally saw who he was looking for. He explained quickly what was going on and why he needed to check on Faramir. 
“Faramir is alive but Denethor wants to burn him. He thinks he's dead. ” Pippin spoke hurriedly, already rushing Gandalf along. 
You gasped. “You did not tell me that Denethor was trying to burn him! Why didn’t you tell me?”
Pippin looked confused. “I didn’t tell you? I could have sworn I did.”
You shook your head, your heart racing even faster than it had been before. To make things even worse, you could hear the sounds of battle. The city had finally been breached. Luckily you were far up enough that the orcs hadn’t reached you...yet. Gandalf was farther ahead of you, and you quickened your strides to match his. He turned and looked at you, his eyes piercing yours. You had the strangest feeling that your mind was being invaded. 
“Patience child. We will stop that lunatic before anything happens. He will be alright.” He turned away again as if he hadn’t said a word. You gaped, it was as if he knew exactly what you were thinking. He seemed familiar, but you didn’t know why. But alas, it did not matter at this moment, and you refocused your mind back on who you were trying to save. Faramir. 
As you hurried along, you tried your hardest to remember. His smile. The dimples on his cheeks. How much fun you two had together. Running through the markets when you were younger, causing trouble, but laughing all the way. How he would be publicly humiliated by his father. How you would be there for him, comfort him, make him happier. The hidden smiles in the throne room, the silent laughter, and inside jokes.
You were quickly brought back to the present as some stone shattered right behind you, showering big chunks of rock. You ducked quickly and grabbed the hobbit, making him run faster. You had to get out of there. Gandalf showed you two through a small alley, and all too soon you had arrived at the top. But Faramir and Denethor were nowhere to be seen. Somehow, Gandalf knew exactly where they were, and took you to a smaller room, that was barricaded. He slammed open the doors as if it were nothing, and you ran right into a horrifying scene. 
Denethor was standing on top of a pile of wood, and Faramir lay at his feet, both drenched in oil. Some soldiers had torches in their hands, and some looked hesitant. Everything drained away, all sound was muffled. All you could see was Faramir, and it was as if he knew you there. He rustled slightly and looked straight at you. His lips moved wordlessly, and you couldn’t move, an invisible force stopping you. 
A scream and then fire engulfed the wood, Faramir was taken from your view. Your feet finally decided to start moving, and both you and Pippin ran towards the pyre, grabbing Faramir before the flames could engulf him. Another screech and then you realized that Denethor had been taken by the flames. He ran off to who knows where, and the guards left quickly, helping to aid in the battle. 
It was soon just you, Faramir, Pippin, and Gandalf. Faramir’s eyes were closed, but his heart was still beating. You cradled his head in your lap, softly brushing his hair out of his face. 
“Gandalf, will he be alright?” You asked tentatively, not daring to even look away from Faramir. 
Gandalf sighed. “With time he will heal. But whether he will heal from the pain in his heart is unclear to me. He has been through far too much, as most have in such times, and for your sake, I hope he perseveres.”
You and Gandalf helped Faramir up, who at this point was able to open his eyes slightly. You both brought him to his room, as the medical wing was a greater distance. Pippin trailed behind like a lost puppy. The poor hobbit had probably never seen such violence in his life. You laid him in his bed, and Gandalf bid a quick goodbye, herding Pippin out. 
It was just you and Faramir. You knelt at his bedside and grasped his hand, waiting, hoping, for anything. More memories ran through your mind. He taught you how to use a sword, to protect yourself if need be. And then on your birthday, he had gotten you a sword of your own, beautifully crafted, and balanced perfectly. It was quite a gift to receive, and you protested, but to no avail. It was in your room, hidden so that no one could take it. You remembered how your hands tingled when he gave it to you, just the slightest brush of fingers. But you were young and naive. 
He stirred, and his eyes opened, looking at the ceiling. Then he tilted his head towards you and looked down at your intertwined hands. You stopped breathing for a second, nervous that you might have overstepped your bounds. 
“I am still alive. What happened with my father? I remember the smell of smoke.” Faramir’s voice was raspy still, and quiet.
You looked away, trying to figure out what to tell him. You were the bearer of bad news this time it seemed. “Your father thought you dead and was going to have you burned. I showed up with Gandalf and Pippin only moments before it was to happen. ”
He groaned and turned away. But he held on tighter to your hand, as if you were his lifeline, the one last thing keeping him there with you. “Faramir,” you said hesitantly, “I-I was so afraid of losing you. I never want to lose you again. I-” You broke off, too afraid to say what was on your mind. He was looking right at you, the ghost of a smile on his face. “Continue, please,” he said. He reached his other hand across his body, softly grazing your arm. 
You smiled slightly, taking in a shaky breath. “I love you Faramir. And I have for a long time. I am not creative enough to give a whole speech about my love for you, but my love for you is worthy of a speech if needed.”
Faramir smiled, the brightest you had ever seen it. “I love you too my dear, more than anything, and I am so sorry I never said anything before. Please forgive me.”
Then he slowly reached his hand up to your face, and you leaned towards him. But you went a bit too fast, and accidentally slammed your nose onto his, causing you both to cry out in pain. You felt like you were going to cry, you ruined the special moment. But then he smiled and started laughing so hard. You were so embarrassed, but you also started chuckling. 
In between breaths, Faramir choked out, “Clearly, neither of us have done this.”
You nodded, keeping back a grin.
He cracked a smile, trying to hold in his laughter. But then he sobered up. “Well, I think we should try that again. Help me sit up?”
You felt even more butterflies in your stomach as you propped up a pillow for him and helped him up. You leaned back to make sure he was comfortable, but he grabbed your wrist and pulled you back. You laughed again, and he smiled. He traced a finger up your arm and all the way up to the back of your neck. He leaned in first, making an emphasis on how slow he was moving, but you were too nervous to laugh. Softly, he pressed his lips against yours. You barely moved, not daring to. But you slowly melted as he moved his other hand to the small of your back. You moved your hands, knotting them in his hair, pulling you even closer together. His lips molded against yours, slightly chapped, making you shiver. Ever so slowly, he began to pull away, much to your dismay. But he still held you in arms. 
Slowly, you whispered, “We should have done that sooner.” 
Faramir nodded and pulled you closer. “Thank you,” he whispered back, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. 
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lydias--stiles · 3 years
Text
written kind of caffeinated, kind of stoned, kind of sleep-deprived juke | 2043 words | pure fluff
He knew that, rationally, he shouldn’t do it. The word “boundary!” blared in his head and the whole thing was really inconsequential and it was so stupid, but Luke simply couldn’t help himself. Was it because of his crush on her? Most definitely. Should that awareness stop him from doing dumb shit like this? Yes, except here he was.
While Julie was at school, she accidentally let the lights in her room on. And so, Luke poofed from the studio into her room to turn them off. Saving power, right? Doing the right thing, being a good person, definitely not going into her room because it was her room.
There was something relaxing about the space though. A sense of serenity falling on his shoulders every time he stepped inside and let his eyes wander and settle on new nooks and corners he hadn’t discovered yet. F+J scratched in the wood of her wardrobe, a box of pretty seashells, four tubes of the exact same mascara in her vanity. It felt familiar and human and simple and so, so Julie.
He flicked the lights off, the only light source being the sun pouring in and casting the room in a gentle glow. Her pink walls were gentler now, the colour of peaches and reminding him of summer nights with his boys on the beach. (It also reminded him of Julie’s peach deodorant that always hung around her and involuntarily made him zero in on her. Alex would argue he was always looking at her, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that the thought of peaches only held fond memories - new memories that now included her too.)
Alright. The lights were off. He did his good deed. He should go back to the boys… 
His feet moved on their own accord and plopped down on her bed, sinking into the mattress. His hands caressed the soft comforter, a smile tugging on his lips that thank the fucking music gods, he could still touch and feel things. He would’ve gone insane in an instant if they weren’t able to be in contact with anything or anyone. It was unfathomable to Luke - not hugging Reggie or massaging Alex’s shoulders or grabbing Julie’s hand. To him, music was just another way to share that sensation of contact with people. Didn’t matter if it was loud and rough or quiet and intimate, a ballad or a rock anthem. Connection: that was all he ever needed. 
His fingers slid further and suddenly he was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling. Oh, man. Now he really couldn’t leave. Her bed was so comfortable! Definitely better than the mattress he had at his folks or, even worse, the couch. That thing broke his back the last months. Ha, Luke noted bitterly, maybe it was better that he hit the bucket then. Rather dead and setting the stage on fire than living with a hernia, right? 
Though Luke still slept (habit? he guessed?), he has never felt sleepy. The boys just hung around or hit the streets and then eventually felt that tug of human normalcy. “Maybe we should go to sleep, guys. Big day ahead.” He didn’t dream. It was just black. It wasn’t unwelcome; just… empty. 
But here, laying on Julie’s bed and letting his eyes blur and rest, Luke felt sleepy. Sufficiently exhausted. He didn’t know where that sudden slam of the hammer came from, but he kind of liked it. It made him feel like he was the one that went to school today, or had a tiring shift at some fast food shack, or played a gig. He stretched himself like a star, grinned as all the joints in his back popped, and then rolled on his side. Fucking heaven. 
‘What’re you doing here?’
The faraway voice lulled the groggy Luke awake. He felt like he was hit by a truck. Where was he? 
‘Hmph?’
She chuckled, his mind speeding up at just the sound and realising that shit, he did fall asleep on her bed and she caught him. His eyes cracked open, coming face to face with an amused Julie hovering on the side of the bed. His brain supplied him with the thought that she looked pretty, reminding him once again that yup, he still liked her. A sheepish smile crawled on his lips. 
‘Hey, Jules.’
She rolled her eyes and then roughly pushed him to the other side of the bed. He squeaked, grabbing onto the comforter as to not fall off and gawked at her. 
‘Dude!’
‘This is my side of the bed,’ Julie said, pointing at the indent he made. ‘If you’re going to sleep here, it’s on the other side.’
He let out a relieved breath. ‘You’re not mad?’
‘Depends.’ Her eyes narrowed. ‘Why were you in my room?’
Waving his hands towards the ceiling, he muttered. ‘Your lights were still on.’
His reply visibly mellowed her, so much that it kind of surprised him. Her smile melted into those she gave him whenever he found a gnarly lyric or impressed her with a riff or met her halfway for the mic onstage. During those moments, it was hard to deny there wasn’t more, that both knew there was more, but couldn’t really do anything about it. It was really depressing. “Yeah, Jules, I’m fucking crazy about you. Wanna make out and hope I don’t disappear the next day?” Even his impulsive streak wasn’t that extreme. 
He hadn’t expected her to smile like that right now. Not when he laid on her bed and her hair was begging for his fingers to slip through and the spot he slept on was still warm. He almost poofed away. Were they going to touch on the “more”? Was this it? 
‘Thanks,’ she eventually whispered, eyes dropping and meeting his again with a shyer smile and he knew he was sporting the exact same. A beat passed between them, eyes locked and unwavering. His fingers twitched. 
‘Uh…’ Mustering back some rationality, he said: ‘Do you want me to leave, or?’
Her hands stretched out. ‘No!’ Face twisting to something he could only describe as “cringe”, she went on a little calmer. ‘You can- it’s fine. I’m just going to do some homework anyway.’
He watched as she and her backpack found a place on the bed, both very close and very far away all at once. It shouldn’t be intimate, but it was. He was seventeen and she was sixteen and he was pretty sure his crush wasn’t completely one-sided and she just allowed him to stay. There wasn’t music or a guitar or a songbook to hide behind and it sort of terrified him. But in a good way? Like when he went cliff diving and stood at the edge, stomach whooping at the thought of jumping, or when he was at the top of a rollercoaster and the cart slowly began to tilt. It was that. The feeling of quiet exhilaration. 
All of that just cause Julie sat next to him bend over a history worksheet. Get a fucking grip, dude. 
He didn’t know how long she worked on her homework or how long he stared at the ceiling, hands weaved beneath his head, but it mustn’t been long. The weight shifted and suddenly Julie’s head fell on her pillow with a sigh. 
‘No, no, no, Julie,’ he teased, ‘gotta keep those grades up, right?’
She rolled on her side to stick her tongue out. ‘Very funny. You maybe don’t remember it anymore, but school’s exhausting.’
Luke also shifted on his side, chuckling. ‘Jules, it haunts me. That’s why I dropped out.’
‘Cute pun.’
‘Thanks.’ And then, because Luke was never one to overthink: ‘I like this.’
That smile of her came back, the one he always wanted to see. Her eyes crinkled and her lips slightly parted and so incredibly beautiful. He heard music when he looked at her. Death became sweeter if it meant he’d get to stare at the girl of his dreams. It was a morbid thought, but then again, he didn’t deem himself dead whenever he was around her. Luke probably felt so alive around her that it surprised him later on that he wasn’t. 
He wasn’t a ghost. Not to her. She didn’t need to tell him for him to know that. 
Julie tentatively held her hand out in the space between, palm up and smudged with ink. When he placed his on top, fingers barely intertwining but the sensation like a shot of oxygen, she murmured: ‘Me too.’
They didn’t plan for it to become routine, but it also felt kind of inevitable. Nearly every day, Luke would go to Julie’s room when he knew her day at school was nearing its end and waited on her. She’d come in and briefly recapitulate the day (usually some story regarding an annoying teacher and Flynn with a killer comeback), sliding down on her side of the bed and hold his hands. Some days, her fingertips quietly wandered the lines on his palms, some days his did. It was always quiet. Though the only ones in her room, they whispered. This wasn’t a secret (the boys were keenly aware where Luke spent his afternoons), but it felt wrong to speak at a normal volume when the other was so close.  
As the days progressed, they shifted closer. Not intentional, but once again inevitable. Everything about them felt like that nowadays. The longer he was around, the more he realised that this - the bond he shared with Julie - was always meant to happen. Whenever his thoughts meandered to those cosmically impossible ideas of serendipity and couldn’t wrap his head around it, Julie was always there with her smile to bring him back to earth. Or, well, to bed.
And then one day, Julie came home from school, saw him, and without saying anything, crawled right into his chest. His heartbeat didn’t pick up like he expected. It eased and relaxed, sinking deeper into the matress as his eyes fell shut from pure fucking bliss and hugged her closer. Her peach deodorant overwhelmed his senses in the best way possible, burrowing his face in her neck and her smile stretching against his sweater. She was warm and perfectly fit into the curve of his body and he was in love. The acceptance should’ve ached, but it didn’t. How could he think about tomorrow when Julie Molina was wrapped in his arms?
Time froze those afternoons. As long as she kept her head on his chest, as long as they didn’t leave the bed, their island, then nothing could hurt them. 
One afternoon, when the sun was reflecting pink and purple splotches on the walls and he was contently dissecting each curl, his heart so full it could explode, he said it. ‘I wanna do this forever.’
He felt her chuckle. ‘Inspecting my hair like a monkey, or…?’
Luke squeezed her closer. ‘C’mon, Jules.’
Her giggles quieted, chin sliding up his chest to look at him. If she found devotion shimmering behind the green, she was correct. He hoped that the warm flickering in her brown ones was the same. 
Her voice was small. ‘You do?’
He nodded, every movement too big or too loud, afraid it would ruin the perfect quietude surrounding them. The room melted away, her face all that was left. Before he let the tug in his chest (the same thread that looped them in this embrace) guide him closer, she got there first. Julie surged upwards, barely needing to close any distance to softly find his lips. He cradled her cheek, warmth brimming from every pore on his skin, love pouring from his lips onto hers. It was short and sweet, but their smiles as they did were anything but. It felt like the first flower blooming in spring. Giddy, he kissed her again. He loved her. (It was inevitable.) 
Julie hummed an unknown melody in his ear, lilting and just as giddy, her fingers circling right above his heart. It stammered to blend with hers. Luke met her gaze, noses brushing and smiles private and eyes adoring. She loved him. (It was inevitable.)
‘Then let’s do it forever.’
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