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#so Solomon is all pouty but the meal looks good
bitter-ritter · a year ago
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The Brothers With a Vulgar MC
Listen, I curse a LOT. Like, a lot a lot. It infuriates my family to no end and it often just slips out. (Its esp funny bc apparently people are stunned that I even KNOW what a cuss is. No idea why.) I need this. And so do you.
Lucifer
Lucifer honestly never thought you would be so....Crass.
It had to be that you had been trying so hard to be on your best behavior when you first arrived. You'd slowly loosened up around them all, but what really broke the dam was the...Almost Killing Incident in the basement, funnily enough.
After that whole mess, the Avatar of Pride instructed you to come speak with him alone in the music room. You denied your pact holders' offers to walk you there, claiming that it wasn't their fault, and that you could handle it.
Hell, now that you knew that they could turn and kill you, you weren't going down without giving him an earful of venom.
"Ah, you're here... I assume you know what it is I want to talk to you about. It's regarding last night."
"Yeah, I figured. The suffocating aura around the breakfast table kinda clued me in." You bluntly stated. Lucifer blinked at the tone you had.
He'd never heard it from you before.
Well, maybe a little, when you were exasperated with Mammon or shooting down Asmodius again, but never toward him.
"I beg your parden??"
"Listen, before you chew me out or kill me or kick me to the curb or whatever, I have something that I want to address reguarding last night."
Lucifer honestly wasn't sure what to expect. But, demon as he was, his more prideful mind took to thinking that you were about to apologize to him, so he acquiesced.
Boy was he wrong.
"What the ACTUAL fuck is your problem? Really? You were REALLY going to kill not only an angel and COMPLETELY fuck up everything that YOUR BOSS is trying to do, but ALSO maim your brother? How far up your ass is your head shoved in there?? Can you see your own prostate yet, motherfucker?"
Lucifer couldn't believe what he was hearing. No one, NO ONE, EVER spoke to him like this. And here you were, ranting and raving up a storm, calling him more names than he'd HEARD. You even has some pretty creative ones. Pea-cuck stuck out the most to him.
"Luke was just curious, not malicious and was compliant to put the book back, and you flew off the fucking handle and put EVERYONE'S ass in danger. And I will tell you this, and I will tell you this one fucking time, you greasy, pompous, entitled, little dick bitch." You snarled, storming up to him. His eyes flickered between yours, he could see his shock reflected in them. "If you ever try to harm MY FRIEND again, I don't care how weak I am compared to you, how easily you could snap my neck and eat my lungs, I will fight until my dying breath to knock your fucking teeth out. I will do something to that pretentious face of yours that will make ME proud in my end. Am I understood, motherfucker?"
Lucifer blinked hard at that. The fact that you were more mad that he tried to harm Luke or Beel instead of almost killing you made his head spin. Along with the range of emotions he was feeling.
"...May I say what I was going to talk with you about?"
"Maybe, can you? Or are you going to try and kill me again?"
"...What I did to you was inexcusable. I apologize."
"...Oh."
Mammon
Mammon heard your footsteps before he even saw you.
Looking up, the demon was about to greet you until taking note of the furious look in your eyes.
"Mammon, did you STEAL my medical bracelet?"
The dirty look that Belphegor gave him, equal parts disgust in his behavior and frustration that he was the reason for his rude awakening, withered in comparison to your anger.
"The hell are you talking about? Medical bracelet?"
"THE FUCKING BRACELET THAT HAS MY ALLERGIES ON IT MOTHERFUCKER!"
Mammon's jaw dropped and Belphie snorted, eyes locked onto the show in front of him.
"W-what do you mean your allergies-"
"THE SHIT THAT CAN FUCKING KILL ME, BITCH!! ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? YOU REALLY STOLE IT! YOU LOOK MORE FUCKING GUILTY THAN WHEN I CAUGHT YOU WITH LEVI'S WALLET!!"
Mammon paled, scuttling back as you stormed closer. "Hey now! Let's not be rash, ehehe! I-I can get you another bracele-ACK!"
You had him pulled to you by the collar of his shirt. "You are going to go get my fucking bracelet. MY bracelet. That has my allergies and emergency contact and shit should I go into anaphylactic shock, which will KILL me. You played with my life doing this. Now go get it back or my potential death will be on you."
The greedy demon stammered out an agreement before bolting off, flying out of the house as you sat down on the couch, pinching the bridge of your nose and sighing.
"I love that man, but I fucking swear..."
Three hours later, you were in your room when Mammon burst in, panting heavily and soaked in sweat. Clutched in his shaking hand was your medical bracelet.
“H-here y’go, I’m so so sorry I did that.”
You sat up and held you hand out, taking the item but also grabbing Mammon and pulling him into you lap.
“You’re an asshole. But, you got it back. However, if I find out you stole anything else from me, I’ll pull your spine from your ass and beat you with it.”
The demon paled a bit, but quickly shook his head. “Noted. Do you forgive me?”
“No.”
Leviathan
Solomon was an EXCELLENT cosplayer.
It was almost unfair. He was so talented at making costumes and accessories that he was a shoo-in for any contests.
Which was why, when he asked you to be his extra body for his couple cosplay, you were confused.
"Why me?"
"Because, you have the closest body type to the character. I'm aware that body shape doesn't matter, but I want every edge possible in the contest. Someone made gundam armour last year apparently and it moved and had stuff that lit up."
Huffing, you agreed, taking the bag and wig from his arms. "Fine. You owe me. And I want pics. I never get to do this shit anymore."
"Absolutely. I'll treat you to a meal and if you find something interesting at the vendor's square, I'll consider buying it for you."
"Sounds good. How the fuck did you get my measurements??"
The sigh from him was dramatic as he stood behind you, helping you get dressed. "Asmodius, naturally. Now hold still."
You stood next to sorcerer, who was dressed in a sleek suit with an odd domino mask. He was dedicated to staying in character, and, despite you not knowing the character you were, he instructed you how to act and talk so you could do the same.
You fidgeted with your frilly shorts again, huffing at how they puffed out and made noise as you walked. Sol’ was busy talking with someone who recognized his character, who cooed about how they shipped the two of you. It was...flattering? Maybe? I mean, you could be sibling characters, and that would be really weird, though you supposed it was par for the cou-
Oh. Levi was here.
In retrospect you weren't sure why you were surprised. This was where his people were and all that. His sweaty, not showered people.
Fuck, come on people, at least use deodorant.
You were about to tell Solomon about spotting the weeb, in case they were meeting up, but he was busy arguing with someone who apparently thought your cosplays were too Out Of Character.
"-ust saying, the scepter was NEVER held by Rismodin, and Dark Mage Calcificus never MET them in the first place!"
"And I'LL have you know that if you read the books that these are both things that happened! In Calcificus's rose garden, the black blood rose fed off the hate in Margin Heart's soul and took him over until Rismodin took the scepter and accepted its power-"
Levi spotted you as you looked back, his eyes widening. You smiled and waved at him, and the patron of envy almost seemed shocked that you acknowledged him. He looked around before pointing to himself. You laughed a bit and motioned him over from across the way. Why was he acting so odd?
The answer hit you when he started making his way over, fumbling with his phone and rambling some nonsense you couldn't hear, let alone understand. He didn't recognize you.
You grinned manically for a moment before switching to a more bubbly smile. You knew exactly what to do.
"OMG, your cosplay is like...SUPER legit. Like, it's LEET."
You giggled, high pitched and cute, before beconing him in closer, like you had a secret.
The demon flushed a bit, fiddling with his Ruri-Chan cat ears before leaning in, enamoured with your fake lashes fluttering and your make-up making your lips look cute and pouty as you parted them.
"What's up, motherfucker?"
Leviathan screeched, jumping back as he screamed your name in shock. Solomon startled, whipping around to see you wheezing and bracing your hands on you knees. "What on earth-?"
"Sol help I'm fuckin dying here..!"
Satan
Your cheek was pressed into the table, staring in defeat at the book in front of you. Surprisingly it wasn't history of demons, the literature, the science, or the potion brewing lessons that you struggled with.
It was the math.
Granted, this wasn't your run of the mill math. This was trigonometry.
And it was kicking your ass.
The book lay open, the homework scattered all over the table you had taken to using. Satan would pitch a fit if he saw how you were treating the thing, but seeing as it was a math textbook, you couldn't give a fuck about the thing.
You looked over at your phone, quietly playing music. You'd been "studying" in the music room you commandeered for your homework for almost two hours. "Studying" because you were still about where you started.
You just...couldn't understand any of it. It was frustrating, and confusing, and none of this shit clicked. Why the fuck did you even have to learn this? There was no use for it to you. You weren't going to go get the tangent of the sandwich you ate for lunch.
Growling, you clawed at your scalp, glaring at the words and numbers as you put in the formula again. The answer you got was wrong, you just knew it. There was no way. So you tried again, and again, and-
"ffffFFFUCK!!"
There went your calculator, thrown across the room. Thankfully it hit the wall and nothing more, clattering to the ground loudly.
You heard a knock.
Peeking his head in was the avatar of wrath himself.
"What are you doing in here? We have our show in five minutes..."
"Not going. I gotta get these assignments done."
The blonde walked over to where you threw your calculator, picking it up. "And pitching your things around helps...how?"
"It makes me feel better," you grunted, taking the device from him and punching in some numbers. He was quiet as he watched you work, which only made your stress worse. Which, honestly, was quite impressive.
"You know number 7 is wrong, right?"
"DICKS!!!!" You shrieked, angrily erasing the number and starting over for the third time. "How in the FUCK is it not FIFTY FIVE?!"
The snicker from your friend stoked the flame.
"Shut your fucking mouth and get out, Satan."
"If you're struggling this hard, why not have someone tutor you?"
"Tch. That wouldn't work. It would just piss off everyone involved. I already tried getting Mammon's help anyway and he had a modelling gig, so."
Satan continued to watch you work, and it grated on your nerves like sandpaper. Maybe there was a way that you could work in reverse? You started messing with the order, your mind tired of staring at all this bullshit. You weren't doing okay.
"I don't understand why you're struggling. It's Trig."
That was the tipping point for you, and Satan felt the pact he made with you flare up.
"BECAUSE I'M FUCKING STUPID, SATAN. THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!" You screamed, slamming everything onto the table and bolting to your feet. The demon stumbled back a bit, eyes wide. "LET'S FACE IT! I ALWAYS KNEW IT, EVERYONE HERE KNEW IT, I'M FUCKING STUPID! I'LL NEVER LEARN IT, AND THIS WILL JUST BE ANOTHER DROP OUT UNDER MY BELT."
"Hey, hey, no, you're not stupid-"
"Oh, shut the fuck up. You know as well as me that I've been cheating in math to just stay afloat!! Nothing I do works, nothing ANYONE tries works on me. I shouldn't even be here. Why the FUCK Diavolo picked a dipshit flunkie to go BACK To school as part of his little science fair project is a mystery, a-and it'll just lea-lead to failure. That's all I do, is fail. I'll ju-just disappoint ev-vry-yone and be a sh-shame t-t-to-"
Satan had swooped you into a hug, holding you close as you tried to push him away. The demon just pressed you closer, quietly whispering apologetically for what he said. You gave up choking down everything and slowly broken sobs shook you, raking through your body as you sobbed into his chest.
"Take a break. Just a small one, with me. I'll help you in anyway I can. Its okay. You aren't stupid, I'm sorry I made you feel like you are."
Asmodius
"Mmh, I dunno, dude. It's not really my colour."
"Come on, please??? Just this once?"
You sighed, extending a hand to take the crop top the demon held out to you. "Your damn puppy eyes...fine, whatever."
"Eeee!!! Yes, awesome! Okay, take these too."
Grumbling, you snached up the pants offered to you as you went into the store's dressing room. When you stepped out, you did a spin.
"See? Told you. Not my colour."
"Okay, yeah, I see it now."
"Can we PLEASE go to a different fucking store? The perfumes here are overwhelming and giving me a headache."
Asmo finally relented, letting you change back before buying the three tops he picked and your one pair of boots. The two of you stepped out and went on the lookout for anything that caught your eye.
"When the fuck is Solomon supposed to be here?" you ask, checking your D.D.D. He hadn't msssaged you anything in the last twenty minutes.
"He said he was a little behind-"
"I knew he had a flat ass."
Asmodius wheezed at that, coughing out a laugh. "Oh my gosh, SHUT UP!"
You grinned over at him, sticking your tongue out at him, which he retaliated by snapping his teath teasingly at it.
"Anyway, what's the nerd's hold up."
"He got stuck working on a potion."
"Of course. Tell him I'm not gonna be his guinea pig for this one. That last one still makes me nauseous when I see fish."
Giving one of his chiming laughs, the demon you befriended bumped your hip with his own as you continued your walk down the strip. He texted Solomon as you both wandered, before huffing.
"He says he'll meet us at Bistro Latte in a half hour."
"Ugh, fuckin' finally. Let's hit up one more store before we go. I need a new pair of pants."
"Yoga pants~? That way you can show off your assets~?"
"Pfffft, as long as the bitch got pockets, I'm down. Think Lucifer would have a stroke seeing my ass in HD?"
"Oh, he'd be stroking something!"
It was your turn to laugh, howling and cackling at his response. You pointed at a shop and he shook his head, nose scrunching cutely as he stuck his tongue out disgust, leading you elsewhere.
"Hey, can I ask you something?"
You looked over at Asmo, nodding in allowance.
"So like, if you could do ANYONE, regardless of who it was-"
"Lukan from Charmed Swords."
"Wow, no hesitation. Though, I can't say that I was surprised."
"Listen. Big buff lady. I want her to run a train on my ass. She's so fucking BIG and BUFF. I'm smitten."
The patron of Lust laughed at that, shaking his head.
"What about you?"
"Oh honey, the things I'd do to you. Or even LET you do to me."
"Har har, good one."
"I'm serious! You're a complete BABE, a total catch! And you OWN it! We don't even have to be dating, I just want to play~"
You snorted at that, lightly shoving the demon.
"Shut up!"
"I'm serious!!"
"God you're such a fucking dork. I mean, I guess I wouldnt mind fucking as friends." The delighted gasp that escaped Asmo was ridiculous. "Come on, we haven't been in this one yet."
Beelzebub
Grunting, the sixth eldest of the demon brothers felt sweat running down his chest as he pulled down, the bar of the cable jungle down for another rep. He puffed out a breath before glancing over at you.
You had finished your weight lifting reps a while ago and were now using the treadmill, though currently you were standing on the sides of it, feet off the track while you chugged your water.
“Careful. If you drink too much too quick it can make you nauseated.”
You looked over at him, pulling the lip of the metal canister from your mouth and swallowing. “Mh, gotcha. Thanks man.”
Beel nodded, finishing his reps, not minding your watching. The song on your cellphone (that you smuggled in) switched, picking up the cleaner and towel and wiping down the machine. He took a few steps toward the pull up bar before pausing.
“....What...SONG is this??” the red haired demon asked in confusion, looking back over to you as he wiped his hands. This was...a little different from everything else you’d played for him so far. Your face was tinted a little more red, and not from the work out. You fumbled with the device as you tried to unlock it.
“I-It’s called Lollipop by Aqua- dammit I forgot it was on this playlist, fuck me, I’m sorry-”
“ ‘s fine. I can work with it. It’s...bouncy.”
You groaned and hid your face as Beelzebub chuckled, jumping up and gripping the bar to start his pull ups.
The devil hefted himself up and lowered himself down, mentally ticking off his completed cycles. He did this for a while, before noting the quiet. Well, not quiet, the pop music was still playing, but he noted no noise from YOU. Beelzebub finished his rep, looking at the mirrored wall and catching you leaning on the console of the treadmill, focused on him.
“You know you’re supposed to run on treadmills, right?” he teased, watching you freeze up and get embarrassed. Chuckling, he started his pull ups again, still watching you in the reflection.
You huffed and put your cup in the holder and tried pretending you weren’t ogling the guy, starting your light jogging pace agai- oh, this was fast.
Zeroing in on the speed, you noted that it was cranked much higher than you put in, and you broke into a sprint to try and slow it down. You must have been leaning on the button when you were resting. The tell-tale squeal of your sneakers chirped out, and instead of your foot meeting rubber, it slid out from under you and you ate absolute shit, chin slamming onto the belt hard. Your teeth clacked together loudly (but you didn’t bite through something!) and you were dumped onto the floor unceremoniously by the treadmill.
You hear your gym partner shout you name in concern, followed by the thud of him dropping to the floor and running over. You peeked an eye open, not realizing they were even closed, and you trailed up from his trainers to his squatting figure looming over yours sprawled on the floor. Beel lifted you a bit and pulled you away from the treadmill, glaring at the offending equipment.
“Hey, focus on me, how many fingers am I holding up? What kind of sandwich did you eat earlier? Wha-”
“Beel, are there any kids around?” you asked through clenched teeth. He looked at you in confusion before scanning the gym. He pressed the clean towel he had to your chin to stop the blood gushing from it. 
“Not that I can see...”
“Good,” you grunted, taking over blood soaking duty. You leaned your head back, staring at the ceiling as you took a deep breath.
“FFFFFUUUUUHHUHUHUUUUCCKK!!!!!!”  
Belphagor
Ah, nap time. truly one of the most underappreciated times of the day.
You yawned loudly, murmuring softly to yourself. It was cool and dark in your room, and it seemed like your blanket fell off of your frame. Grumbling, you patted around until your hand met the corner, and you pulled it over.
At least, you tried.
Grunting, you pulled on your blanket a few more times, but it seemed to be stuck. Turning over drowsily, you spotted the culprit laying in the center of your bed, scooting you to the edge.
Belphegor.
A groan escaped you as you rolled over, trying to fight him for your blanket again. It was all in vain though, his superior demonic strength keeping it wrapped warmly around him.
“Belphie. Belph. Give me my fuckin’ quilt back.”
No response. You tried shaking him awake, but all you got was an irritated growl from him. Huffing, you rolled back over and closed your eyes, curling up a bit to keep warm. You took a few deep breaths, and slowly let them out, keeping your breathing stea-
A hiss escaped you as a foot jammed into your back.
“Fuck OFF Belph, go sleep in your own room or with Beel!”
Another kick got a grunt from you, but you stubbornly closed your eyes again, trying to get some more sleep.
Your muscles slowly began relaxing, one by one. You took slow, steady breaths and lay still, imagining your body shutting off one piece at a time. Starting with toes, you yawned again as soon your legs began resting, and then your hips. Maybe your gut would be next, the muscles in your stoma-
Whump.
“OW!!! MotherFUCKER!!”
The snore from Belphegor only added fuel to the fire as you stumbled to your feet. Glaring down at his form from the side of the bed, you grabbed your pillow and hit him square on the head. Then you smacked him again. And again.
And AGAIN.
“Mother. Fucking. Bitch. This. Is. My. Fucking. BED!!! Get! Your! Ass! To! Your! Own! Room! If! You! Want! To! Act! Like! A! Cunt!”
“Mmgh? Wha...?”
“YOU KICKED ME OUT OF MY OWN GODDAMN BED, BITCH!!!”
Belphegor squinted at you from under the blanket, his eyes sleepily meeting yours. “You’re being dramatic, dum dum.”
“FUCK YOU, MAN.”
Sighing like it was the biggest task in the world set upon his shoulders, he grabbed your hand and pulled you back onto the bed, wrapping his arms round you and pulling you in close.”
“Shut up. Jus’ go back to sleep.”
You mocked his words in a high pitched tone before crossing your arms, grumbling as Belph turned you into a teady bear or pillow.
“You’re lucky you’re cute...”
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