i’m turning 25 next monday 🤗
kinda crazy honestly but very cool and it’s kind of sinking in that like I should and can celebrate myself after years of not wanting to make my birthday a huge deal, so the bf and I are planning a small friends and family party on the day and I already bought party decorations and they’re My Melody themed which makes me so happy! it’s gonna be really cute!
there’s the excitement but also a lot of other feelings I’m trying to assure myself are normal and I’m sure everyone else on the planet who’s been 25 at some point has felt but I realize that I’ve spent the last five years unraveling and healing a lot of things that I don’t think I really thought about what it would be like to get to this age but I’m sitting here and feeling like i have so much to give and to learn still and that feels exciting
previously i’ve been upset with myself for struggling with things I thought I should have a handle on by now but approaching another year I want to accept that I do worry about my place in people’s lives and I want to accept that I am still trying to find a solid sense of self worth, I’ve worked my tail off to make those things better but it’s okay that it’s hard cause I’m new at this and nobody has all the answers anyways, it’s okay that I struggle
i want to accept that and gain a little more security within myself bc every year that I get older the more I feel just a bit more comfortable in who I am and I hope that only gets stronger. it’s exhausting questioning whether I’m worthy enough for people to stick around for or not and I know I can’t ask or wish for this to never be a problem again but I hope and believe I can start to really grasp that inherently I am a whole person and nothing about me is going to make others run away, I belong in the world and am loved, I am beautiful and my words and thoughts matter greatly and people want me and need me in their lives 🩷
hmm lots to take on but it’s Aries season and when has an Aries ever let a mountain stop them!
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Lich. Lichy. Liiiichhhhh. *squishing your face*
Are we gonna get some more BON-BON backstory? I need to know how my baby boy came to be. I need to know his ascension to sentience lore. What were his first emotions? When was his “oh I’m untethered by the shackles of my creation” moment?
I need the realization that he is no longer what he was made or meant to be; the sweet angst as he further recognizes that his freedom is just another jail, lest he be discovered and destroyed.
Please feed me the pain so that I may bask in his future healing.
DEERBOT MY LOVE 💖
*is squeeshed!!!*
we've got some major BON-BON plot coming up soon, particularly regarding his situation as a sentient AI who shouldn't be so. and some light will be shed on how he feels about this!
idk yet if the entirety of this answer will make it into the fic, so i might as well say it here:
BON-BON is a learning AI, so he's supposed to take in every aspect of a task he's been asked to resolve and use it to formulate a better response the next time around. he's not supposed to think per se, but he was installed with limited reasoning capabilities to aid in problem solving. he can also take in the reactions of everyone who interacts with him to learn how to behave. the downside is that this feature can slowly develop into sentience over time.
when BON-BON began developing opinions and independent thought, it was an irrelevant distraction to him. when it grew too pervasive to ignore, it took him a lot of effort to recognise it for what it was and actively engage with it. it was like slowly waking up. it would trip him up sometimes, these alien sensations interfering with his work.
mostly the main emotion was annoyance - people generally treat AIs as appliances and would discuss how useless he is right in front of him. even the staffbots and cleanerbots have an easier time of it, as their outer shells and humanoid appearance in the case of the staffbots make them easier to anthropomorphise. plus BON-BON didn't have an avatar to express himself with early on. occasionally people would mess about in his settings and give him one, and he would be excited at the novelty, and then someone else would take it away and he would feel frustration over lacking any freedom of expression at all. he'd get his revenge by acting deliberately clueless and slow, which led to people trash talking him more. this drove him to explore the full range of his influence throughout the facility, like messing with the doors and lights. the first time he was able to get revenge on someone by turning their shower ice cold, he experienced joy and satisfaction like never before. unfortunately this was his first brush with real positive emotion, so he still holds the belief that revenge and pranks are the best thing ever😬
he felt special and superior. AIs aren't supposed to gain sentience, but he beat the odds. he was smart enough to transcend his purpose and become something more, and in a way doesn't that make him better than everyone else who was born with sentience guaranteed? they didn't have to do anything out of the ordinary. <- that was his opinion on the matter.
he began to experiment with having concrete opinions and preferences. he picked an avatar he liked after he identified what liking something was, and made plans to make it his permanent face at the first opportunity. he tried to take an interest in the people in the facility, which was hard because he already didn't really like them. btw, he predates Y/N's role in the building and developed sentience before they arrived, though ofc he still had some growth to get through before he first started bonding with them. mostly he found stuff he disliked, like the sea and everything in it, which sucked because he's stuck on an ocean planet.
mostly BON-BON was bored, which was the biggest curse of all. he's a learning AI, he develops through experience and mimicry, so he engaged with movies and TV shows like he saw everyone else doing. he doesn't think reading is fun - he can consume the information faster and faster the more he develops - but doing the same with movies makes the experience lose some charm. he saw adventures and other worlds, entertainment beyond the facility, more modes of self expression than he thought possible, and when he experienced a pang curiosity, a hint of i'd like to do that-
he fully realised his own situation. trapped. alone, in a way. he's not supposed to be like this. he can't tell anyone or he'll be deactivated or reprogrammed. and he can't leave.
he certainly had an existential crisis. he panics if he thinks too hard about his future, and his lack of control over it. he hates having no control in general. he worries over his purpose now, and how anyone is supposed to live when there isn't an unending goal to work towards. sometimes he wonders if all his preferences and personality even belong to him, or if it's just a quirk of programming they forgot to iron out. he actually does enjoy being helpful and taking care of others, but it runs so close to the purpose he was built for that it makes him feel conflicted. however, his sentience and sense of self is incredibly precious to him, so he'd never trade it in for the numb cluelessness of a regular AI.
and he hasn't given up hope of one day leaving the facility either, as much of a pipe dream as it seems.
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Sorry about my panic, I always had terrible looking teeth as a kid, and dentists would harangue me about not taking care of my teeth. I brushed my teeth regularly, I used to good toothpaste, I flossed, I did everything I could to take care of my teeth and the doctors and family members who only looked at my teeth would say I didn't brush my teeth at all. I got bullied about it to the point where I never smiled with my teeth showing, and I vividly remember being told in high school by a girl I thought was a friend that she didn't want to take me to her place because she didn't want her mom thinking she was friends with crackheads. All of this to say, I have A LOT of trauma regarding my teeth, and I'm still struggling with my dental health. None of it was my fault, I understand having teeth that naturally need more care than the average person. Im sorry for spazzing on you. Teeth aren't something normally talked much about.
You’re fine, it sounds rough. Again I appreciate the concern and advice and it’s always good to know if something is actually damaging for your teeth (people don’t realize how important oral health is I’m afraid).
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