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#so I stopped being a library
chaikajpeg · 6 months
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here's my contribution to the "library wars" fandom of five people
reference photos:
someone's wedding photography (couldn't find the set): http://www.k-meng.com/go-c102.htm
"Station 19"
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autismserenity · 2 months
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Me, looking through books on Palestine: "Ilan Pappé wrote one called 'The Biggest Prison On Earth?!' People in Gaza hate it being called a prison. There's an entire hashtag for it. There's been an account dedicated to collecting pics and videos of #TheGazaYouDontSee for 6 years.
"Is Pappé even Palestinian? oh god wait I can tell already. this is gonna be an 'Israeli apologist' isn't it." Internet: "Yeah, Pappé's Israeli."
Me: "For fuck's--- so people will believe Israelis unquestioningly if they're shit-talking Israel, but in all other situations, Israelis are all liars?"
Internet: "Pretty much. Also, at best, Ilan Pappé must be one of the world’s sloppiest historians."
Me, admittedly in full schadenfreude now: "What?!?!"
Internet: "Benny Morris. That historian who's extremely hard-core about primary source documentation, who wrote that detailed book about how and why each group of Palestinian refugees left in 1947-9. He reviewed three books about Palestine."
Me: "Holy shit. And the book by Pappé is about the Husaynis. The family that Nazi war criminal Amin al-Husseini came from, the guy who fucked absolutely everything up for both Israel and Palestine."
Internet: "That's the one. Morris wrote, 'At best, Ilan Pappe must be one of the world’s sloppiest historians; at worst, one of the most dishonest. In truth, he probably merits a place somewhere between the two.'"
Me: "Why??"
Internet: "He says, 'Here is a clear and typical example—in detail, which is where the devil resides—of Pappe’s handiwork. I take this example from The Ethnic Cleansing of Palestine'....
"Blah blah blah, basically in 1947 the UN voted to partition the land into Palestine and Israel, and extremist militias started shooting at Jewish towns and people. David Ben-Gurion was the leader of the Jewish community there, and his journal describes a visit from a scientist named Aharon Katzir, telling him about an experiment codenamed "Shimshon." Morris gives us the journal entry:
...An experiment was conducted on animals. The researchers were clothed in gas masks and suit. The suit costs 20 grush, the mask about 20 grush (all must be bought immediately). The operation [or experiment] went well. No animal died, the [animals] remained dazzled [as when a car’s headlights dazzle an oncoming driver] for 24 hours. There are some 50 kilos [of the gas]. [They] were moved to Tel Aviv. The [production] equipment is being moved here. On the laboratory level, some 20 kilos can be produced per day.
"Morris says, 'This is the only accessible source that exists, to the best of my knowledge, about the meeting and the gas experiment, and it is the sole source cited by Pappe for his description of the meeting and the "Shimshon" project. But this is how Pappe gives the passage in English:
Katzir reported to Ben-Gurion: 'We are experimenting with animals. Our researchers were wearing gas masks and adequate outfit. Good results. The animals did not die (they were just blinded). We can produce 20 kilos a day of this stuff.'
"'The translation is flecked with inaccuracies, but the outrage is in Pappe’s perversion of "dazzled," or sunveru, to "blinded"—in Hebrew "blinded" would be uvru, the verb not used by Ben-Gurion—coupled with the willful omission of the qualifier '"for 24 hours."'
"'Pappe’s version of this text is driven by something other than linguistic and historiographical accuracy. Published in English for the English-speaking world, where animal-lovers are legion and deliberately blinding animals would be regarded as a barbaric act, the passage, as published by Pappe, cannot fail to provoke a strong aversion to Ben-Gurion and to Israel.
"'Such distortions, large and small, characterize almost every page of The Ethnic Cleansing of Palestine. So I should add, to make the historical context perfectly clear, that no gas was ever used in the war of 1948 by any of the participants. [Or, he later notes, by either Israel or Palestine ever.] Pappe never tells the reader this.
"'Raising the subject of gas is historical irrelevance. But the paragraph will dangle in the reader’s imagination as a dark possibility, or worse, a dark reality: the Jews, gassed by the Nazis three years before, were about to gas, or were gassing, Arabs.'"
Me: "Uuuuggghhhhhhhhh. Yeah, it will."
Internet: "He does say, 'Palestinian Dynasty was a good idea.' Then he does some really detailed historian-dragging about the lack of primary sources and reliance on people's interpretations of what they say instead.
"'Almost all of Pappe’s references direct the reader to books and articles in English, Hebrew, and Arabic by other scholars, or to the memoirs of various Arab politicians, which are not the most reliable of sources. Occasionally there is a reference to an Arab or Western travelogue or genealogy, or to a diplomat’s memoir; but there is barely an allusion to documents in the relevant British, American, and Zionist/Israeli archives.
"'When referring to the content of American consular reports about Arab riots in the 1920s, for example, Pappe invariably directs the reader to an article in Hebrew by Gideon Biger—“The American Consulate in Jerusalem and the Events of 1920-1921,” in Cathedra, September 1988—and not to the documents themselves, which are easily accessible in the United States National Archive.
"'Those who falsify history routinely take the path of omission. They ignore crucial facts and important pieces of evidence while cherry-picking from the documentation to prove a case. 
"'Those who falsify history routinely take the path of omission. They ignore crucial facts and important pieces of evidence while cherry-picking from the documentation to prove a case. 
"'But Pappe is more brazen. He, too, often omits and ignores significant evidence, and he, too, alleges that a source tells us the opposite of what it in fact says, but he will also simply and straightforwardly falsify evidence.
"'Consider his handling of the Arab anti-Jewish riots of the 1920s.
"'Pappe writes of the “Nabi Musa” riots in April 1920: “The [British] Palin Commission... reported that the Jewish presence in the country was provoking the Arab population and was the cause of the riots.” He also quotes at length Musa Kazim al-Husayni, the clan’s leading notable at the time, to the effect that “it was not the [Arab] Hebronites who had started the riots but the Jews.”
"'But the (never published) [Palin Commission Report], while forthrightly anti-Zionist, thereby accurately reflecting the prevailing views in the British military government that ruled Palestine until mid-1920, flatly and strikingly charged the Arabs with responsibility for the bloodshed.
"'The team chaired by Major-General P.C. Palin wrote that “it is perfectly clear that with... few exceptions the Jews were the sufferers, and were, moreover, the victims of a peculiarly brutal and cowardly attack, the majority of the casualties being old men, women and children.” The inquiry pointed out that whereas 216 Jews were killed or injured, the British security forces and the Jews, in defending themselves or in retaliatory attacks, caused only twenty-five Arab casualties.'"
Me: "Yeah. I'm looking at that report right now and it says there had been an explosion, and then people were looting Jewish stores and beating Jews with stones, and in one case stabbing someone. Some people said that some Jews got up on the roof of a hotel and retaliated by throwing stones themselves.
"And then it literally says, 'The point as to the retaliation by Jews is of importance because it seems to have impressed the Military and led them to imagine that the Jews were to some extent responsible for provoking the rising.' That's the only thing it really says about anyone blaming the Jews.
"Except.... the very beginning gives some historical context. And it does say that when the Balfour Declaration came out, Muslims and Christians 'considered that they were to be handed over to an oppression which they hated far more than the Turk's and were aghast at the thought of this domination....
"'If this intensity of feeling proceeded merely from wounded pride of race and disappointment in political aspirations, it would be easier to criticise and rebuke: but it must be borne in mind that at the bottom of all is a deepseated fear of the Jew, both as a possible ruler and as an economic competitor. Rightly or wrongly they fear the Jew as a ruler, regarding his race as one of the most intolerant known to history....
"'The prospect of extensive Jewish immigration fills him with a panic fear, which may be exaggerated, but is none the less genuine. He sees the ablest race intellectually in the world, past-masters in all the arts of ousting competitors whether on the market, in the farm or the bureaucratic offices, backed by apparently inexhaustible funds given by their compatriots in all lands and possessed of powerful influence in the councils of the nations, prepared to enter the lists against him in every one of his normal occupations, backed by the one thing wanted to make them irresistible, the physical force of a great Imperial Power, and he feels himself overmastered and defeated before the contest is begun.'
"Wow! What a great fucking example of how 'positive' stereotypes are actually used to fuck people over! We're not antisemitic, we actually think Jews are the smartest, most powerful, richest group with tremendous global power! So positive!! Not at all being used here to justify antisemitic violence!
"Also, immigration from all over the world actually meant that different agricultural and manufacturing techniques were brought into the region, and yes, financial investments to start businesses sometimes, which meant that Arab Palestinians there had the highest per capita income in the Middle East, the highest daily wages, and started a lot of businesses of their own. But go off, I guess."
"Anyfuckingway.... it basically says that the Muslims and Christians were angry and scared, the Jews were too quick to set up the functioning government that the Brits were supposed to be there to help both sides create -- and which the Arab leaders completely refused to create for Palestine, because (1) fascists and (2) didn't want Jews nearby -- and that they were "ready prey for any form of agitation hostile to the British Government and the Jews." Then it says the movement for a United Syria was agitating them real hard, and so were the Sherifians.
"Is that what Ilan Passe, I mean Pappe, meant by the Palin Report blaming the Jews?! That when it says it's understandable the Arabs were freaking out, because antisemitism, Pappe thinks it's saying the Jews were provoking them?!"
Internet: "I don't know. I kinda tuned out after the first hour you were talking."
Me: "OGH MY GOD"
Internet: "So anyway, then Morris ALSO says, 'About the 1929 “Temple Mount” riots, which included two large-scale massacres of Jews, in Hebron and in Safed, Pappe writes: “The opposite camp, Zionist and British, was no less ruthless [than the Arabs]. In Jaffa a Jewish mob murdered seven Palestinians.”
Me: "What the ENTIRE FUCK? There was no united 'Zionist and British' camp! The Brits would barely let any Holocaust refugees in, ffs!"
Internet: "Morris says, 'Actually, there were no massacres of Arabs by Jews, though a number of Arabs were killed when Jews defended themselves or retaliated after Arab violence.
"'Pappe adds that the British “Shaw Commission,” so-called because it was chaired by Sir Walter Shaw (a former chief justice of the Straits Settlements), which investigated the riots, “upheld the basic Arab claim that Jewish provocations had caused the violent outbreak. ‘The principal cause... was twelve years of pro-Zionist [British] policy.’”
"'It is unclear what Pappe is quoting from. I did not find this sentence in the commission’s report. Pappe’s bibliography refers, under “Primary Sources,” simply to “The Shaw Commission.” The report? The deliberations? Memoranda by or about? Who can tell?
"'The footnote attached to the quote, presumably to give its source, says, simply, “Ibid.”
"'The one before it says, “Ibid., p. 103.”
"'The one before that says, “The Shaw Commission, session 46, p. 92.”
"'But the quoted passage does not appear on page 103 of the report.
"In the text of Palestinian Dynasty, Pappe states that “Shaw wrote [this] after leaving the country [Palestine].” But if it is not in the report, where did Shaw “write” it?'"
Me: "I'M ON IT. [rapid-fire googling] OMG. This is.... Not the first time. In 'The Ethnic Cleansing of Palestine,' he reported that in a 1937 letter to his son, David Ben-Gurion declared: 'The Arabs will have to go, but one needs an opportune moment for making it happen, such as war.'
"It's not in the source he gave. It's not in any of the three different sources he's given for it.
"He apparently has never responded to any requests for an explanation, either from the journal he published in, or from other historians. But it says he did "obliquely [acknowledge] the controversy in an article in Electronic Intifada, in which he portrayed himself as the victim of intimidation at the hands of “Zionist hooligans.”'
"This is absolutely fucking wild. THEN it says the chair of the Ethics Committee where he was teaching eventually said that the second part of the quote ('but one needs,' etc) was a (combined?) paraphrase of a diary entry and a speech Ben-Gurion gave, and that the first half is 'based on' a letter to his son.
"And it's so convincing! The chair says, 'Shabtai Teveth[,] Ben Gurion’s biographer, Benny Morris and the historian Nur Maslaha have all quoted this letter. In fact their translation was stronger than the quotation from Professor Pappé: ‘We must expel the Arabs and take their place.’ Professor Pappé has documentary evidence of these quotations and the source will ensure that this is correctly cited in any future editions of the publication or related studies.'
"And IT'S NOT EVEN TRUE?!
"Ben-Gurion's actual diary entry (not a letter) says the opposite.
“'We do not want and do not need to expel Arabs and take their places.... All our aspiration is built on the assumption – proven throughout all our activity – that there is enough room in the country for ourselves and the Arabs.'
"Benny Morris misquoted it as "We must expel the Arabs and take their places" in the English version of his 1987 book The Birth of the Palestinian Refugee Problem, although it was correct in the Hebrew version. He corrected himself in the 2001 book Righteous Victims.
"Teveth also misquoted it in the English version of his 1985 book Ben-Gurion and the Palestinian Arabs, but again, had it correct in the Hebrew edition.
"And both Morris and Teveth explicitly point out the rest of the entry. The part about all their aspiration being built on the assumption and experience that there was enough room in the country for everyone.
"Historian Efraim Karsh’s 1997 book Fabricating Israeli History pointed out and corrected their mistakes.
"This is apparently a very well-known issue among historians of Israel and Palestine. It was a big deal in 2003, when an evangelist Christian publisher put out a book FULL of disinformation, which not only used the same quote as Pappe does, but also could not give a real source for it.
"But Pappe STILL USED THE MISQUOTE AND DOUBLED DOWN ON IT EVERY SINGLE TIME."
Internet: "Are you done? I know all this already."
Me: "Also, there are literally only two places where the phrase 'twelve years of pro-Zionist policy' shows up online, and they're both about Pappe making quotes up.
"NOW I'm done."
Benny Morris wasn't, though. The review continues at the link below. And the next part starts, "To the deliberate slanting of history Pappe adds a profound ignorance of basic facts. Together these sins and deficiencies render his “histories” worthless as representations of the past, though they are important as documents in the current political and historiographic disputations about the Arab-Israeli conflict. Pappe’s grasp of the facts of World War I, for example, is weak in the extreme."
#i hate people misrepresenting history in general#i extra hate it when people do it with malice aforethought#ilan pappe#is a lying liar and people need to stop recommending his bullshit when it's been so thoroughly debunked#this is a good example of anti-Zionism being antisemitism tbh. I have yet to see anti-Zionist accounts of history that are accurate#like if you have to victim-blame people who were baked in ovens during an anti-Jewish riot you are PROBABLY in the wrong#I was looking for a piece explaining the 1920 and 1929 anti-Jewish riots that I could link here that wasn't from an explicitly Jewish sourc#because I don't trust people to take an article from the Jewish Virtual Library or whatever without being like “this is Zionist propaganda!#even if it's about an extremely violent massacre of Jews#so I clicked specifically on the Encyclopedia of the Palestine Question and similar sources#and what all of them did was gloss right over the massacres and violence and just vaguely mention “the demonstrations in 1920”#or not mention them at all of course#I guess that makes sense but wow. now I understand more of how ignorant people are about the entire history here#not only has it all been presented to you as “this started in 1947 or 48! the Jews stole all the land! it's been genocide ever since!”#so that people literally tell me “they invaded in 1947 and kicked out the Palestinians and took their land”#but also you have to fill in anything before that yourself#and the only propaganda you have access to usually is this myth that everyone was perfectly happy together until Israel... killed everyone?#it's really super weird to see people say that Jews and Muslims and Christians all lived happily together before this#like what do you think happened? everyone was happy and suddenly the jews were like “fuck you we're taking over and killing everyone?”#that probably is what people think happened tbh#they don't need for there to be any motivation or for that to make sense because they've bought the idea that it's just pure evil ig#for some reason people have to reverse-engineer hamas's massacre and imagine that israel did even worse to justify it#a terrorist group doesn't come out of nowhere! i don't think you know what terrorism is tbh#but they're happy to assume that whatever they think israel did came out of nowhere#god i'm fucking tired#anyway fuck ilan pappe#there are WAY BETTER HISTORIES OF PALESTINE#i've heard good things about Gaza: A History but of course that's not all of palestine#long post#such a long post
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lilyharvord · 6 months
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I need people to understand that my hyperfixation ships are limited to one thing: a man who is usually in full control of himself meeting 1 woman and losing complete and utter control over absolutely everything he does.
I just like to watch when they go full feral for a woman who could literally chew them up and spit them out, but choses to let them stick around because I don't know, it's nice to have someone carrying their bag or whatever.
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meretrifles · 8 months
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further public library of ruina rambles (i've got plenty of time to think about this shit and new material every workday):
it starts when a fairly high-ranking city official stumbles across her when she's just barely started, someone powerful enough to make it very clear the city could wreck angela's shit at this stage if they chose to. but you know, they say instead, it's interesting that this is a library. actually by law we're supposed to have a public library, but we haven't managed to keep one open in quite some time. if you took on the role, we might be persuaded to ignore these... irregularities. what do you say? angela knows full well this is a trap, but doesn't have much choice if she wants to live. also, a would roll over in his grave, not that she thinks about that or anything.
the abnormalities are still there. in fact they're still booked and put on the shelf where anybody can find them. who knows, maybe they were looking for a pug monster.
angela tosses any measured plan she had to wake up the librarians directly out the window within a week, they're all out by the time roland shows up. she takes a management role and does not look back. do not ever call her 'manager', though.
all the librarians technically have their own roles, though they can also get pulled into whatever is needed at any time; in irl libraryland, this is known as the "other duties as assigned" curse.
angela is still trying to reclaim the light, but due to the public libraries act, she can't book anybody unless they actively attack staff, guests, or library property while in the library itself. this throws more of a wrench into her plans than she expected but still happens with depressing frequency.
as a result of the vast amounts of emotional stress and instability added by all this, librarian meltdowns are back. which generally trigger angela because a) everything and b) excuse me, you dare pull your fucking bullshit for the eleven billionth time WHEN MY SUFFERING IS RIGHT HERE REEEEE. so it turns into a giant 3-way fight between librarian, angela, and team could we maybe not die today tyvm. they all know approximately half of each other's buttons (and think they know 3/4), it's a giant clusterfuck but everyone lives and maybe at least some of them learn something.
roland figures out like the equivalent of halfway through something that was really just as true in canon: he can't top this. none of his plans were truly worse than this garbage fire. and now he's trapped in it too. his mental breakdown is slow and inexorable.
the irl public libraries in general... are desperate to fill all the gaps and cracks in the infrastructure they see. we do all want that one perfect book. the answer to the question. what that book with the blue cover was. to be a place where kids can run screaming freely and people can study in quiet. to give mittens to the cold and find housing for the lost. we want that one perfect answer. it doesn't exist. it can't, it isn't possible. the book you loved in childhood won't read the same as an adult. the children who can't keep quiet will hurt the children who can't stand noise. you can't have both the drug dealers and the people trying to get clean, the marginalized and the bigots, all equally welcome. there is no one perfect book. so what i wonder is... what happens if you stop looking. if you stop trying to be everything, and be what you are without regrets. i suspect that what you are (that "just a library") is actually quite enough, and if you stop focusing on doing more than you can, you'll find that around and within you are the answers you actually need. this is both literal, a metaphor, a political statement, and a statement of the theme/endgame of the AU.
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flowercrowngods · 6 months
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it keeps dawning on me, on a daily basis, that i might actually genuinely be homeless soon
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rubberduckyrye · 13 days
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I still can't believe people misinterpret this to be Kaito being homophobic when he's upset because he thinks Shuichi came out of the closet and never told him.
In Kaito's FTEs, he says communication is the most important thing for an astronaut. Communication. You know what isn't communication? Not telling your bestie you're kinda gay.
His reaction isn't displaying anything like "WOAH EW NO NOT THE GAY FOR ME" he's literally upset because he thinks Shuichi kept his sexual orientation a secret form him.
Anyway biting the haters for trying to say Kaito's homophobic because that's just fucking wrong.
(And if I remember correctly his LSE was VERY "Rivals to lovers" gay coded so SUCK IT ANTIS.)
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constantvariations · 8 months
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Finishing atla and once again becoming absolutely livid with the out of nowhere, literal deus ex machina bending-bending ability because why have your protagonist face his achilles heel and overcome his original sin in order to grow and save the day when you can hand everything to him on a lion turtle platter 🙃🙃🙃
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silenthillbunni · 16 days
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#1st ​my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner#so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively#nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way#but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop#i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together#nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done#then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth#when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?'#'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting'#i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room#but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive#so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner#she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to#but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything#she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of#idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone#and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao#i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden#nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd#like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library#i wnna show my mom what books i got#it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality#why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks#anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to
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bookwyrminspiration · 8 months
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guess who just went to the library and DIDNT bring home any books at all!! even though i specifically went around looking at books despite my better judgement!! amazing what we’re capable of <3
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pennyserenade · 9 months
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i’m gonna double down on my liking david duchovny’s “bucky f*cking dent.” it’s been a few weeks and i still like it just as much after some careful ruminating, which means it’s probably true love. i think about it every now and again because some of the passages were really very good! i almost considered buying it the other day ! if you enjoy fredrik backman - specifically “a man named ove” - i think you might enjoy it.
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jaynovz · 8 months
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Truly I have reached the age where I simply cannot sit in a non-optimal chair to use a computer for longer than maybe 15 minutes (without pain that is)
ughhhhhhh
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lowlypotatofarmer · 1 year
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going feral over the found family of lockwood and co. please do not touch me for 7-10 business days i need to process my feelings.
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nobodieshero-main · 12 days
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okay so i was thinking about ahuru, as one does, and i was thinking about how much i don't want her death to just. be keika's backstory, yknow??
like i don't want to reduce her to just the main characters motivation, which is why i try to give her so much life in any scene she's in. but i think i wanna like- so, ahuru's death literally shapes nobodies hero, right? there'd be no story to tell if she hadn't been killed. and that's kind of a Big Deal to me.
so i think i'm going to symbolise the fuck out of birds. foreshadowing or whatever.
like when keika first meets mattie- he's in priah and he still doesn't have his memories back. he decides to go for a walk, just wandering through the mushrooms and the woods and then all of a sudden a game bird gets shot with an arow right in front of him. and when he looks up, he sees mattie with a bow and arrow, and that's how they meet.
and then in the next book it's revealed that Mattie is, technically, responsible for ahuru's death. it wasn't personal, in the same way hunting that bird wasn't personal, it was just...self preservation. they just shot an arrow and watched it land.
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amazinlei · 5 months
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I ORDERED MY CHRISTMAS PREZZIES!!!
I'm getting the BAB pompom purin and cinnamoroll!!! And I paid practically nothing since today was free shipping code and I had a gift card I bought this morning~
I was in a really bad mood, and feeling pretty sour because of how I woke up and got a headache today, but I'm treating myself bc it's christmastime and I deserve it :3c Plus I got a headache and need a self care day. ;w; Despite that, I'm really excited for the holidays!
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solarisposting · 3 months
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guess who's back in their compassion fatigue for library patrons era!!!
#HELLO IT'S ME SIGMUND FRAUD!#i've had one other Episode like this since being in libraries and it's so exhausting#and it makes me hate myself! i suddenly can't DEAL when interacting w/people who have mental illnesses that manifest in this that or the#or the other way. i stop caring about patrons' sob stories or hard days or legitimate crises or whatever else#i'm just angry all the goddamn time about being a brick wall for others' rage and sadness and issues when i'm a fucking book person who also#who also helps with technology. i cant handle my own fucking mental illnesses on any given day sometimes and absorbing others' hardships#when i'm not trained not equipped not PAID ENOUGH and having my own spirals and episodes...it is SO MUVH#i feel evil and heartless when i suddenly stop caring and am actively angry at patrons#this isn't even a carer type of work that i do!#and yet compassion fatigue in librarians is apparently super common. we're like retail workers minus patrons spending money at our#at our establishments. people are extra mean because of the tax dollars shit and the whole 'fulfilling gaps in social services' shit#losing my compassion for others a second time os fucking terrible. i don't want to he so angry and hateful. i don't wamt to be so checked#so checked out of others' suffering if the others are in front of me. it feels gross#and as ashamed as i am to say it? it weighs on me and makes me feel WORSE and so SELFISH#ann with an ie#and i am still tuned into global issues and care and am horrified#but things and people in front of me just...cease to register
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skunkg1rll · 3 months
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#i havent been wanting to get out of bed in the morning at all lately :((#i just dont want to :((#today i should be going to the gym w my mom nd then stop by the store nd library#tmrw i have to go to school#but omg i rllyyyyy dont want to i wanna cry#i feel like skipping it today even if then i dont get the book i wanna read bc they'll send it back today#plus there r some things i'd like to get at the store. but ugh i just wanna stay in bed and stay in my room#and i had an unpleasant dream of my school years :/#i dream of that and my class all the time and it fills me w such anxiety :(#stuff like that. that anxiety most ppl fill me w. reminds me how badly i only want to be w him#but maybe it's ruined now. bc of miscommunication.... i havent even dared checking the app#bc im sooooooo scared to open it and be met w the unread sign. that he hasnt even seen my messages#that'll hurt me so much so i just dont even open the app. now i have no idea if he's seen it or not nd thats all i can deal with atm#it makes me so sad tho bc if he rlly wanted to he could have me. and i have such a big heart w sm love to give to someone :((((#he's like the one person i've met who fills me w calm instead of that anxiety#which is somewhat funny to say bc he also makes me so sad sometimes :(( nd frustrated#but ohhh even now all i can think abt is being w him nd having a future. even if idk if nd when we'll even simply talk again skskksksk#sighhhhhh i was so happy to have talked to him almost every day the past week... i have things i wanna share w him constantly!!!!! but then#i ofc made a mistake w i always do. i just wish ppl could come to me nd talk abt it instead of just getting upset and pulling away :((
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