Actually let's be honest in addition to all my usual bullshit this is just astarion making me reckon with the fact that I don't know how to be A Real Person, how to relate and be close to people except to be helpful and accomodating, how to say no and not be a compulsive people pleaser out of fear of the repercussions and uncertainty if one is not placating at all times
Like yeah it's for different underlying reasons and I obvs make no claim to the specifics or the severity of that kind of situation & trauma but also. Like. I Get It, I'm not a Real Person either
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"Carlos, if you could just pause your experiment for a second--if you could only hear me out, hear my hypothesis! I think once you understand the science of the situation, you--"
Carlos opened the door. He was crying. She had never seen him cry.
He was overwhelmed and unsure of how to express his emotions, since he usually only did so in carefully worded sentences, not with water from his body.
"The science of the situation?" he snarled. "That Otherworld. I was trapped there, Nilanjana. I couldn't see Cecil for ten lonely years. I was kept away from the people I love, in that desolate place where you never get hungry and you never have to drink water and so you never live. It is a place that devours. It is a place that is empty. That is the science of the situation, and I study it so I can fix it. Only I can do that. Only these experiments can do that. I'm sorry, Nilanjana; I'm not going to stop so you can tell me what science is."
🫠
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not to #lower the mood but i think generally for myself at least it is not a linear path of being suicidal -> wanting to live and you are constantly taking steps but it's like idk walking around in a garden and not taking steps towards a destination. like yeah the goal is to live contentedly but its like trying to find things to want to live for/the things keeping you around in the broadest sense even if they're small things and it CAN just be like "i need to look after my cat" "my friends or family would be sad" but it can also be like "there's a movie coming out next year i want to see" and you keep these Big Things and until it also becomes "i want to keep eating this pastry i want to get another one next week" and like "a hare just crossed the road and they're cute" and "that was a funny joke i just saw" until the things you're Living For are just the most normal aspects of life and you've tricked yourself into living for like. life's sake. do you know what i mean.
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im so crushed rn because ?!??!? the obscure utena sega saturn game had new anime cutscenes, right? BUT THE ORIGINAL RESOLUTION WAS 240X168!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN .CAK SEGA VIDEO CINEPAK. before converting to a common file type so it can be uploaded to youtube or even any upscale attempt. but there is no upscaling with something like that. the detail literally just ISN’T there. without the uncompressed animation from the devs, it will never look good. even in-game, the cutscenes you do see have an overlay, so they’re literally smaller than the native resolution of the saturn, and THEN, not even every cutscene can play in game!!! i’m pretty sure the losing duel cutscenes went unused, since in game if the duels are lost you get immediate game over without a cutscene or anything. it’s so fucked. i think the only way you’d be able to “upscale” the cutscenes is if you’d manually redraw every frame by hand (which btw, how the FUCK would you do that???) which would take FOREVER even if they recycled as much animation as they possibly could.
how do you blow that up without it exploding
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In my sad wandering thoughts, I suddenly remembered one reason why I love cosplaying. At the con I went to last month, a younger child with their parents came up to me when I was dressed as [casual] Scara and they were like, so adorable because they had on a scara hoodie and was carrying a scara doll and I could tell that they were excited to see a Scaramouche and my heart just melted T_T
The joy I feel when I hear my cosplay characters' name being called out with excitement is so great
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