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#so I guess I don’t need to find a new therapist after all
jewish-space-laser · 1 year
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also not to be like, needy on the internet, but i’m having a hard night and i need to laugh so send me funny things. tik toks, jokes, i don’t care please please share and laugh with me
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elisysd · 7 months
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Gold Rush Masterlist
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Sequel to Cruel Summer (Charles Leclerc x OC), can be read independently
Prologue
1.Guess my childhood is over
2.Tonight is gonna be the loneliest
3.We are invincible, we are unstoppable
4.Vultures spinning up above for what's left of me
5.They say it's bad karma being such a heartbreaker
6.If you fail to plan, you plan to fail
7.Maybe together we can get somewhere
8.I've got memories and travel like gypsies in the night
9.Personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me
10.Way down we go
11.That's why I'm lying to my therapist
12.You could be my luck even if the sky is falling down
13.Lately you've been searching for a darker place to hide
14.I could be so sweet if only I were naive
15.Burn, crash, romance, I’ll take what I can get from you
16.And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright
17.I’ve been thinking way too loud, I wish that I could block me out
18.And if the storm is hitting I'll try to keep you steady
19.Ask me what I earned from all those tears
20.All I know is this could either break my heat or bring it back to life
21.Sleeping's so tough you're burning up my mind
22.It's a love story baby just say yes
23.Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's araid to get too close
24.But there's a shining in the shadows
25.I'll be there till it all feels so big, till it all feels so small
26.I’ve been feeling everything from hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth
27.Take the moment and taste it, you’ve got no reason to be afraid.
28.You've got a friend in me
29.Why don't you let me down, I'll let you do it again
30.Can you make it feel like home if I tell you you’re mine?
31.I know heaven’s a thing, I go there when you touch me
32.Maybe there's nothing after midnight that could make you stay
33.You're scared of love, well, aren't we all?
34.Don't get too close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide
35.Fear or love, baby? Don't say the answer
36.And what hurts the most is people can go from people you know to people you don't
37.Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?
38.What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around?
39.And I just wanna tell you it takes everything in me not to call you
40.You know I'm afraid of change, guess that's why we stay the same
41.How long can we be a sad son 'til we were too far gone to bring back to life?
42.If to change is what you need you can change right next to me
43.I tell myself I'm good, but I'm falling apart
44.Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?
45.Lean on me when you're not strong and I'll be your friend
46.I'll be late, but I could make it all up to you
47.I wanna be better, I wanna be new but I can’t be those things next to you
48.Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going
49.You said that you needed space, go on then, astronaut
50.I trace the evidence, make it make some sense, why the wound is still bleedin'
51. Heaven knows I should let go, it’s nothing that I don’t already know
52. Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned
53. You’re blowing through my mind like the hurricane
54. Did some force take you because I didn't pray?
55. Take a heart and take a hand, like an ocean takes the dirty sand
56. I know you're scared and your pain is imperfect but don't you give up on yourself
57. Lately she's been dressing for revenge
58. Hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end
59. I don't ask for much, gimme love
60. But I promise you this I'll always look out for you
Epilogue
BONUS CHAPTERS
Our first christmas
A trip to Bali
My place is yours 
We want you to be their godparents
Double trouble
Marry me?
A bold move
My favorite enemy
It’s not you and I anymore
Not this fucking family
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How’s everyone doing? I’ll go first, I’m bad!
I have been ~*~struggling~*~ since mid-September and in the last two weeks it has just gotten unbearable. I feel like I’m drowning all the time. I’m having trouble keeping up with and reaching out to people I want to talk to. And that’s like, on top of always having been bad at getting back to people. *stares forlornly at the ask Chaz sent me like, literally two years ago that I think about daily but just. haven’t. RESPONDED TO.*
Things are just. Closing in on all sides unfortunately. I’ve been sick several times. I bounced this month’s rent check. A thing I had NEVER DONE BEFORE IN MY LIFE before this last move. My job is literally never going to pay me what I’m worth. Or anyone what they’re worth, frankly. I broke down in front of my boss the other day and just sobbed for an hour because after I pay my bills every paycheck I have just enough left over to buy groceries for two weeks, if I’m careful, and little else. Which means I’m putting stuff like gas on credit cards, which isn’t helping the debt that makes me feel like drowning in the first place.  I’ve been at this job SEVENTEEN YEARS. A steady, corporate job. And I’ve never once in my entire time there made an actual cost of living raise!! The cost of living just keeps raising without me! (And also everyone else, I know!)
I’m super overdue on getting people the art they commissioned from me, but my brain just hasn’t been in a good enough place to create much of anything, and I keep thinking I have to get this done and then thinking they deserve better than this, around and around on a loop ad finitum. And there are a couple of other things going on personally that just fucking blow that I don’t know how to fix and I’m just gonna choke on it.
I haven’t done any fandom stuff since NYCC. I haven’t written on my WIP. I haven’t read fic. I don’t check in on the madness happening on twitter. I’ve barely popped my head into my favorite pirate group chat over the last five months or so. I miss doing all of that so much and my stupid brain is so broken that even when I try I can’t enjoy it.
Shit. I’m having a hard time getting work work done. I just sit down at my desk every day, answer emails, and then spend five or so hours frozen with anxiety because there’s too much to do and doing nothing is only making it worse every day.
I need to be back in therapy ASAP, but unfortunately you can’t eat therapy so I can’t pay for it!!
And I feel guilty saying any of this to almost everyone I would usually talk to. (Congrats and condolences to the rest of you!) Because they’re having a harder time than me. Or because they’d just want to give me a bit of money about it, which would fuck me up even more. Or because it’s just tedious and boring and no one wants to listen to me talk about this over and over again, even though it’s all my brain does every hour of every day. It’s a wonder I’m ever able to talk about anything else.
My boss is pretty great, in spite of it all. She’s constantly supportive (to the extent she can be), and she just. She tells me all the time how creative and wonderful and smart and cool to know I am. And every time I just like, tear up, because none of it feels true. But I also tear up when my friends and my partner say those things too. Because to me, a full grown adult without a savings or a 401K or the ability to like, go get drinks just because I want to, I feel like a complete and utter failure.  So like. Whatever I guess!!
I need to find a new job that pays me way more. Then I can get a therapist to fix my brain and save money to pay down my debts and have money to have fun with my friends and not feel like a constant financial burden on everyone. Then I can have the brain power back to maybe work on my fic or complete that art or like, I don’t know, talk to the people who actively want to talk to me. You wouldn't think that part would be so hard, but it really, really is.
I’m working on it. I’ll keep working on it. I have LinkedIn open right now. I’m gonna fucking sob through it, but that doesn’t mean none of it will get done.
In the meantime, if anyone knows of a good way to make a quick $30 grand, I’m all ears.
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omnicrafts · 1 year
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I cant stop thinking about Ghost Barry Allen taking one look at This nervous wary teen Who is a Ghost Prince and instantly Ghost adopting him. It’s literally On Sight. Guess he’s a Dad now.
And Danny’s extra wary now bc he knows that look! He has parents thanks he doesn’t need more!!! He’s not a baby!!!
But surprise! Barry is really funny and chill!?? Also he’s a Hero too!!! The Flash! He loves it! Doesn’t even tease him about calling himself Phantom after getting his powers! And they Both had a Lab Accident!! With weird Chemicals and Electricity! Barry is patient and relaxed and he’s never had so many affectionate one armed hugs, play noogies, shoulder squeezes, gentle hand between his shoulder blades in his life or afterlife!!
Its honestly a little overwhelming finding out there’s an insane amount of ways to show care, affection, and reassurance with touch. Hugs are the Best?!!! Like he knew that because despite his complaints Jacks hugs are always great but Barry Hugs are the absolute Best Things Ever. He gets all tucked up under his chin and Barry just curls a little around him like he’s wrapping Danny up in a blanket and there’s this soothing kind of hum like a super low vibration that reaches his bones and it’s like laying out on the back seats of the GAV while Maddie or Jazz are driving so it’s smooth without any sharp turns and just the rumble of the road and someones fingers in his hair and he’s safe and comfortable and everything is gonna be okay.
The first time he got a Barry Hug, Danny absolutely collapsed into a sobbing mess. He was super embarrassed after but Barry just let him cry and at some point he’d sat down and pulled Danny onto his lap and wrapped around him. Petting his hair and rubbing his back and soft ‘I know.”, “It’s okay.”, “I’ve got you Danny.”, “Don’t be sorry, it’s okay to not be okay sometimes.” And wow he ends up rambling about everything and spilling all the things he never tells Jazz because “She can’t really be my therapist it’s not fair to her. If she were licensed it’d be unethical and shed lose that license so I try to keep everything in the safe pocket of ‘things you tell your sister when you’re close.’ I don’t think she has someone like her and it’s not Fair!” And now he’s sobbing about how great Jazz is and his friends and how he Just Finally convinces his ex he wasn’t evil or playing a Long Con. His Stalker finally wised ip to Why Danny denies being Phantom after a close call where they both were detained by G.I.W (and you bet your ass Barry will be circling back to THAT later.)
So whoops, that Barry Allen owes Clockwork a ton of favors prompt has me fucked up.
(Iwant y’all to know I’m polishing my one shot Drabbles for upload to AO3 (if you haven’t red them there you should! There’s new content compared to the tumblr versions) but whats really taking forever is reading all these fuckin comics. I’m having a good time but my Hyper-Fixation Subroutine is engaged and I must devour Lore and Canon Character Behavior. I’m hiding in Bushes and jotting down notes like an animal researcher desperate to understand these Ridiculous Creatures in their Natural Habitat.)
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911 Fic Recs: Therapy Edition
[Buddie recs]
am i who you think about in bed? by rarakiplin (Rating: M, ~6,800 words)
After Eddie goes through an entire box of Frank’s tissues in a week and finally manages to read through those reddit stories without flinching, he tells Frank, “I think I want to have sex. Like with a man. Gay sex.”
Frank tilts his head, pressing the tip of his middle finger against the space between his eyebrows, and sighs. [...]
“Do I have to tell you that you don’t have to?” Frank asks, mild.
or, eddie sleeps with men that aren't buck until, well, you know.
Being Eddie by daisies_and_briars (Rating: T, ~79,800 words)
When Eddie starts seeing a new therapist, he’s presented with the opportunity to revisit several days from his past and right regrets that still bother him.
OR:
Eddie goes through the time travel therapy process of the 2009 Canadian TV show Being Erica
every single thing to come (has turned into ashes) by imdarlenescousin (Rating: M, ~66,600 words)
“Don’t you want to get back out there, though?” Buck asked. “I mean, you kept asking about my couch, but what about you?”
“I’ve had a couch this whole time,” Eddie countered.
“A metaphorical couch.”
“The hell is a metaphorical couch?” Chimney asked Hen and Ravi under his breath, earning only a shrug and raised eyebrows in response.
Or, Eddie starts dating, makes some friends, makes some realizations, and makes a serious offer.
Canon compliant through 6x14.
everything (nothing) has changed by zeppazariel (bizarrestars) (Rating: E, ~48,500 words)
After Eddie gets shot, Buck confesses his love. From there, things get a little out of hand.
--
Buck breathes for a moment, then sets his shoulders. "Eddie, there's something I have to tell you."
"Do you?" Eddie asks flatly, still alarmed and doing his best to hide it. "I would've never guessed."
Buck swallows. "Eddie, I love you."
"Are you softening the blow, or buttering me up? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm still very worried regardless," Eddie tells him.
finding our way (back home) by cnomad (Rating: M, ~91,200 words)\
When Eddie left the 118, he promised Buck that nothing would change. But six weeks later, things were strained between them as Eddie tried to adjust to his new role at dispatch while Buck decided to take a major step forward in his relationship. After a series of revelations forced Buck and Eddie to confront what they really wanted out of life, it was up to them to find their way back to each other.
Back home.
let the world have its way with you by fleetinghearts (Rating: E, ~54,400 words)
“It’s just that—I died,” Buck continues, voice unsteady enough that Eddie wonders if this is the first time he’s acknowledged that out loud. “I died, and there’s so much more. There’s so much more I want to do, things I don’t even know I want to do yet, and I almost had the chance to have and live them taken away. I don’t want to die and regret missing out on everything else, Eddie.”
“So let’s make a list,” Eddie says. “Let’s do them.”
or, a bucket list that’s really about buck needing to make a change and an eddie who’s ready to do anything to see him fall in love with life again. it takes some crossing off for eddie to realise—the thing at the top of the list in his own heart? it’s been right here all along.
run in the dark looking for some light by not1_2write (Rating: T, ~2,600 words)
It starts when he breaks up with Taylor. Or maybe it starts when Maddie leaves again, when Chim tells him over and over again that he's done with him. Maybe it even starts when Eddie was shot, when Buck's entire world crumbles in front of him for the thousandth time and he can't do anything except sit back and watch.
Buck can't take everyone leaving him again, can't take being alone anymore. So this time, he leaves first.
Or he tries to. Eddie doesn't let him. When Buck pulls away, Eddie follows him. And Buck finally lets himself break.
tell me about despair by hattalove (Rating: M, ~148,900 words)
eddie's not entirely sure he believes in getting help, at least not for himself. there's only so much healing to be had for a body torn apart by bullets, for a mind that's only half there, for a man who's been leaving pieces of himself behind all his life with nothing to take their place.
except, as it turns out, falling apart happens in increments, and healing does, too[...]
(or: the entity often affectionately referred to as the unrepression fic.)
Tick Tick Boom by ChasetheWindTouchtheSky (Rating: T, ~30,400 words)
“Did you know if you put a frog in water and slowly bring it to boiling, it won’t hop out?” Chris is chattering as Buck makes a quick dinner while Eddie argues with his gas company on the phone.
“Hmm?” Buck asks, unable to fully pull himself out of Bobby’s baked mac and cheese recipe. [...] “Frogs?”
“Yeah!” Chris states. “My teacher said that if you put a frog in a pot, you have to make sure it’s not immediately boiling. You put them in water and then slowly raise the temperature and they won’t realize what’s happening. Then once they realize, they have no place to go. They can’t jump out.”
--
S6 Spec: Buck decides he doesn’t need therapy, reverts to some bad habits, and explodes. Or, the Breakdown Fic.
Unless You Ask Me To by ElvenSorceress *WIP* (Rating: M, ~182,300 words)
It’s not the first time a man has ever looked at Eddie a certain way. It’s not the first time a man has ever hit on him or asked him out. It happens every so often. Not a lot. Once every six months or so? If he had to put a number to it?
But maybe it’s the first time Eddie’s considered saying yes.
--
Eddie dates a man for the first time, Buck is completely Fine(tm) and not at all having a breakdown, and the love of their lives was right in front of them all along.
When it comes to an end (I will want you to plea) by blink_blue (Rating: E, ~26,900 words)
After the lawsuit, Buck and Eddie are casually sleeping together. Eddie tells himself it doesn't mean anything more than that. An unexpected incident at work brings up something Buck thought he'd long buried behind him and makes Eddie re-evaluate his feelings for his best friend.
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supersaturnnyoomkitty · 6 months
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Kloktober 2023, Day 10: Came back different
Toki’s Song
After the events of the Doomstar, Toki has been seeing a therapist who challenges him to write a song that tells his bandmates how he feels. (1,200 words, very short. Total fluff, nothing heavy at all.)
Read on AO3 or below the cut!
Toki fidgeted in the seat, pulling at a string on his pants that was coming unraveled.
“Toki, you were telling me how things have been different after the Doomstar?” A middle aged woman with a shock of frizzy brown hair and kind eyes smiled softly at Toki as his attention snapped back on her. He had been especially distractible today.
“Oh. Uh… Yeahs. They all beens real different.”
“Would you like to talk about it?” She sat down her notepad, a gesture that she had come to learn relaxed Toki; he didn’t like feeling as if he were a specimen that needed to have notes taken about it.
“Well… Sures. I guess they been different in ways like…” He bit his lip, struggling to find the words in English. “Nathan has been more ee-moe-shin-all-ee availgable.”
The therapist smiled; he parroted a phrase that she had used a few weeks ago.
“He tells us he cares about us more. Dat’s nice, I likes hearing that.”
She nodded. “What about Pickles and Murderface?”
Toki’s shoulders had relaxed slightly; he was more at ease now. “Pickle been taking care of himsselfs, he only do crystal meth ONCE a weeks now! He’s beens doing a lot of knitting cause he says it oxupies his hands.” Toki smiled widely. “He even knitted Toki a bananas hammocks; wants to see?” He asked gleefully, reaching for his pants.
With an awkward chuckle, the therapist waved her hands. “No no, that’s okay Toki! I’m sure it’s wonderful!”
Toki was a bit crestfallen; he had a photo on his phone of a hand knitted hammock where he stored his bananas on the kitchen counter and he wanted to show her. No worries; he could ask again.
“Moidaface been… It ams hard to say. He been palling around wif us mores. He don’t acts like an out sighters so much. He even calls Toki hims friend!”
Toki was leaned back into the couch now, smiling happily as he talked about his friends. The therapist allowed herself to finally exhale, glad he was opening up. “What about Skwisgaar?”
A fierce blush raced across Toki’s cheeks. She knew that Toki’s relationship with Skwisgaar was still new and might be something Toki wasn’t ready to talk about yet but she found herself proven wrong.
“He beens real nice to be wif. He even says I can have a solo!”
She almost leapt from her seat in joy. “Toki, that’s wonderf-“
“I turns him down.”
“But… Toki, why? Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”
Toki shrugged nonchalantly. “I thinks… I just wanteds him to lets me has it. I didn’ts really wants it. Skwisgaar ams amazing. I just likes playing wif him, not over him.”
She wasn’t sure quite what to make of that but moved past it for today. “What about you, Toki? How have you changed?”
Toki looked puzzled. “What’s you mean?”
She laced her hands together and leaned forward. “You’ve named the ways your friends have changed because of everything that happened. But Toki, what about you?”
His expression of confusion had not lightened and she realized he had never even considered it. This was too much of a question for today.
“Toki, could you do a homework assignment for me?”
Toki grumbled; he hated that word. “I guess. What’s ams it?”
“I want you to write a song and sing it to your bandmates. Tell them how you really feel.”
——
Several days later, the band was enjoying an evening of booze and laughs, palling around as they watched trash tv and ate trash food.
“Hey Nathan, look what I made you!” Pickles held up a knitted cap with a chibi Baphomet on it.
Nathan’s smile looked like a cringe but damn if he didn’t give it his best effort. “Oh wow Pickles. Thaaaaaank you…” He punctuated the thanks with a kiss on Pickles’s cheek.
Toki burst into the room unceremoniously with a ukulele in his hands. “Everyone’s, listens up! I gots to finish my homeworks now.”
Skwisgaar’s mouth hung open in surprise and a peppermint dropped out of his lips and into the ends of his long blond hair. “Oh, you means for dat therapist lady?”
Murderface, who was nose deep in the newspaper, reading the obituaries, popped his face out. “She’s a doctor and her name is Dr. Sparkleboob.”
“It’s pronounced Spark-Le-Beaux. It’s French. You know that.” Pickles said in an accusatory tone and Murderface rolled his eyes back into the obituaries.
“Wells anyway, listens up cause I gots a song I has to sing so she gives me a good grade at therapy tomorrows.”
Toki began strumming the ukulele with surprising skill; Skwisgaar’s blond eyebrow hitched up in something akin to approval. The gesture didn’t go unnoticed by Toki who smiled as he began to sing.
“Oh I has a box of kittens
I names them all myselfs
There’s Cukey in the corner
Lookin’ at treats up on da shelfs
The kittens I calls Nothin’
Is black as he can bes
But I don’t minds it when he hides
Cause I know that he likes mes
Killy is a pissy cat
He pissed into my shoes
But I knows he ain’t mean nothin’
Cause he’ll also piss on you
Swiss Cheesy is a pretty kitty
He’s my fav’rite, dat’s for true
Cause I loves him most of alls
An’ he loves me mostest too.”
Toki finishing strumming and looked up to four sets of eyes boggling at him.
“Toki, I can’t believe this. After all these years… You’ve finally completely unlearned how to play guitar, haven’t you?” Nathan said with a smile and a laugh.
Toki looked down with a blush, trying and failing to look sheepish. Nathan couldn’t even make fun of people seriously anymore.
“Dat was goods, Toki.” Skwisgaar said, trying to untangle the peppermint that was now hopelessly stuck in his hair. “I didn’ts know you coulds even shreds on a oo-keh-leelee.”
Murderface had dropped the newspaper he was reading. “Why did you write about kittens?”
Toki pouted. “I likes kittens. You knows dat.”
“Yeah, you know that Murderface!” Pickles shouted, pointing a knitting needle at him.
“You knows dat, Moidaface!” Skwisgaar yelled, closing one eye in pain as he tugged on the peppermint.
“Murderface. Hey. Murderface.” Nathan said.
“WHAT?”
“You know that.”
——
Dr. Sparkleboob looked as pleasant as ever at their next appointment but as she read the note Toki handed her, her eyes shimmered with tears.
“Toki… This is… This is beautiful. I’ve never read lyrics this profound. The metaphors, the imagery… This is… This is world changing, Toki.”
Toki looked deeply pleased. “Takk! I didn’ts sing that ones though, I sangs this.” With that, he handed her the lyrics about a box of kittens.
“But Toki… Why didn’t you sing the other song? The kitten song is… Nice, but the other is extraordinary. What made you decide not to share it?”
Toki looked pensive. “I t’inks that’s how I’s changed. Everyone always tells me what to do my wholes life and now I wants to do things my ways. In my times.
“I wants my bandmates to knows more about me but I’s not ready yets. In the pasts, I woudla rolled overs and dos what you and they’s tells me just cause you’s and they’s tells me, but I wants to do dis in my times. I wants to bes who I wants, when I wants. I wants to shows my loves in my times.”
Toki looked at Dr. Sparkleboob’s face and frowned. “Ams that okays?”
She dusted away a tear, her pride squeezing out of her eyes. “That’s more than okay, Toki. That’s wonderful.”
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gubes-sweaters · 9 months
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Fire on Fire
Content Warning(s): discussion of childhood trauma, small mention of Cat’s mother’s murder
Word Count: 1.5k
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Chapter 2: I Almost Started to Believe Her
“I think this session went well, but before we go. Overall, how’ve you been feeling? I know these past couple weeks haven’t been easy,” she says, pushing her blonde bob back behind her ear. She looks carefully at the young woman sitting across from her. The young woman who was clearly avoiding the conversation busied herself by rolling an M&M in her hand, then popping it into her mouth before the candy coating began to melt.
Her mouth opened slightly like she was getting ready to talk, but she grabbed a few more M&Ms out of the bowl of candy on the wooden coffee table in front of her. She ponders her thoughts for a moment before opting to speak.
“I don’t know it’s been… heavy,” She wasn’t sure what to say. Knowing the sister she desperately looked for and created this star studded image of from a young age before and after they were separated by the foster system, did what she did, left her numb to say the least. She popped the colorful candies in her mouth signaling that she was done talking.
“I know the idea of finding Catherine one day was something you dreamed about. We talked about that when you first came into my office six years ago. It has to be disappointing, knowing she turned out like this,” she says, while writing something in the woman’s patient file.
“I think I just liked the idea of her more than anything, Someone who protected me and loved me, but looking back without the rose tinted glasses, her love was conditional. If I didn’t do A then she did B or she would ignore me for X amount of time. All while I have the other childhood trauma running alongside the turmoil she put me through,” she says with a solemn look on her tired features.
“Well, why did you stop listening to her? What changed?” The therapist asks before adjusting herself in her leather seat. The two women had been talking for over an hour at this point and it showed because both of them have been wiggling in their seats more frequently as the time passed.
“I guess I started to get a mind of my own and she didn’t like that. Shortly after our dad killed her mom, and we were both sent off to foster care. She ended up with some man in North Carolina I guess and I eventually ended up with my foster moms. Since we have different mom’s and her mom was murdered, we were considered different cases, so we were split up and we lost all contact,” she says bluntly. It wasn’t even two years since she originally unpacked all of this trauma. Reliving all of this feels like opening old wounds. Especially since she had to go into depth about her childhood because of Cat getting arrested the first time. She had talked about her childhood a lot when she began therapy, but Cat now being brought into this brought a whole new set of memories. No longer did she see her older sister as this snarky, funny, and strong person. She was a bully at the end of the day. She used to be able to look at her old memories and see Cat as a beacon, but those memories are now forever stained.
“So, it didn’t end on either of your own accords?”
“No, I was still very young when everything went down and Cathrine was a teenager,” she says before adjusting herself and fidgeting with her necklace.
“Alright, I’m sorry to cut this off, but we are over our time and I know you have to go back to work. I’ll still see you next week, at the same time?” The therapist asks.
“Yep,” the younger woman responds, while grabbing her belongings off the tan leather couch.
“Alright then and you know if you need me for anything, call my number,” the woman says while standing in unison with her.
“Will do. Have a nice weekend,” she replies while walking out of the office. She repeats those same sentiments to the man who works at the receptionist desk after picking up her doctor’s excuse for work. As she makes her way out of the building the sun that's peaking through the cloudy sky warms her skin and she pulls out her sunglasses from her purse while making her way to her car.
She doesn’t even get to open her car door before her phone starts buzzing. She expected it to be her boss or even a co worker wondering when she’ll be back to work. Instead she got an unknown number in her phone.
“Hello?” she picked it up, curiosity looming in her voice.
“Hi, um this is, well, I don’t know how to explain this very well. This is Spencer Reid, I’m with the BAU. We did an investigation on your sister, Cat. Well, my team did, I wasn’t there because… the reason isn’t all that important right now. I wanted to know if we could talk about a few things over coffee,” a shaky voice replies on the other line.
“Listed I told your team I haven’t even seen Cathrine since I was eight. There’s nothing I can do to help,” she snapped back.
“No, it’s nothing work related. It’s just personal. Cat has caused me a lot of… problems in my personal life and I’m just taking my therapist’s advice. I wanted to know if it was alright to meet for coffee, maybe we can talk. If- If you don’t want to that’s fine,” he ended his rambling sounding unsure and awkward. Spencer sat in his car fidgeting with anything that was in the cup holders or center console, waiting for a response with bated breath.
She lets out a long, but quiet sigh. The other line was nearly silent for a minute minus the muted sounds of the young woman on the other line opening her car door and cranking the car up.
“Sorry, I wanted to switch the call to the bluetooth in my car. I don't want to be running late for work,” speaks up. Spencer suddenly feels the shred of confidence he had when making the decision to call begin to dissipate.
“How does Thursday afternoon work? Like three o’clock? After two I’m off work for the rest of the day.” She says with a slightly gentler tone. The tenderness makes Spencer’s ears perk up a bit.
“Yeah that’ll work. There’s a great coffee place that I love. They have a latte that uses robusta coffee beans. Which has very high levels of caffeine. It's actually very interesting. I can send you the address to the coffee shop.” He says before cutting himself off before going on about his prefered type of coffee.
When Spencer first moved into his apartment after Gideon recruited him that was the first place he visited. Ever the routine-oriented person, he has gone there before work almost everyday since.
The women's cold demeanor began to be chiseled away. This was proven by her light, airy laugh she let out at Spencer’s sudden facts tumbling from his mouth, an old habit of his.
After her small laugh she agreed with a simple ‘okay’, with the remnants of her laugh still lingering.
Now it was Spencer’s turn to be quiet. He wasn't sure how to navigate certain conversations, especially with new people because of how often he was bullied as a child. It doesn't make it any better when the new person he’s talking to is a half-sister of the woman who’s dedicated the past few years of her life to ruining his.
“I'm sorry if that seemed like I was laughing at you, I wasn’t . You kind of sounded like my mom when you started bringing up random facts.” She says, noticing the quiet. Y/N tended to be very perceptive. Captivating a small crowd of people with varying reactions is important. Knowing how to get shy, curious people to speak up, get overtly snarky know-it-alls to quiet enough for everyone else to enjoy the tip, but entertaining their conversations enough that they did not feel rejected, or to get more bored people engaged with the stories she tried to paint became her forte.
“That’s alright, well I’ll send you the address. I’ve uh- got to go. I guess I’ll see you later.”
“Okay, have a good day. Bye.” She says, admittedly kind of awkwardly.
“You too, bye.” Is all Spencer udders before fumbling with his phone then hanging up.
When the call drops he heart is left pounding. Not with fear or worry, but the type of anxiousness that makes someone have butterflies in their belly. The type of anxiousness that brings a little bit of warmth to the tips of a person’s ears and cheeks.
She has a small smile she can’t wipe off her face as she pulls out of her parking spot and heads towards work.
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A/N: I’ve had this unedited sitting for so long, but i finally decided to edit it and put it out, mostly only because I said I would yesterday and now I feel obligated. So enjoy! Also if you have any requests my messages along with submissions are always open! Also this is inspired by the Sam Smith song Fire on Fire. The titles of the chapters are the lyrics to that song. Their voice is absolutely breathtaking and I listen to their music a lot while I write.
Taglist (if any aren’t gray that means i tried to tag, but couldn’t find the user sorry :/): @striving4averagegirl @measure-in-pain @tvandfanfic @haylaansmi @rexorangecouny @sophiario
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hooniaddict · 1 month
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Can’t remember if I ever posted it here or not, but I will now cuz I guess I just need to ramble and vent. I got this comment, sometime in November I believe (sometime after Christmas and before new years I think. Could be wrong). Anyways, thankfully it wasn’t my post it was a comment under someone else’s, I just replied to em and stuff and then got this comment. For context, the post was some instagram reel about artists getting cancelled for drawing minor characters, someone in the comments said they would prefer if it was a characters instead of real life ppl. Then someone else responded saying that they thought the same way until they read some article about a study done to see if pedophiles could be like, “treated” if they used realistic dolls or something (it was something similar to that from memory), but ultimately it was considered inconclusive. I ended up replying (and this was my mistake cuz I think we both just misunderstood each other), saying that it was false that you can be diagnosed as a pedophile just by drawings. Because, to my knowledge with what I’ve read, that’s true, you cannot be considered or diagnosed a pedophile over fictional characters (like, only over fictional characters, for example anime characters.) and when I kept trying to defend/inform (idk how else to word it), I got this reply.
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This reply bothered me, like really really bothered me. I’m not really sure why, but it was to the point where I was shaky and couldn’t even open instagram without getting shaky and such intense anxiety. I ended up just blocking the person, cause I didn’t want to continue engaging with that person. I had really bad intrusive thoughts, couldn’t draw or even leave my room/bed without getting horrible anxiety. Cause I would think to myself, “am I a bad person? Would other people think I’m a disgusting horrible person for this? What if I accidentally harm someone close to me?” And just, other thoughts like that. Like that comment sent me spiraling, it seriously affected me. Thankfully, I had friends who supported me and my therapist is helping me through it. Even now I still kinda struggle, it’s not as crippling as before but I still get anxious over this, and I’ll be talking through it all with my therapist lol. I guess I just, wanted to get it all out and vent about this. So sorry if this is just, a rambling mess this wasn’t really meant to be anything else than a vent post. But this is what made me want to seek out proship communities, kinda find solidarity I guess? A nice community where I don’t have to worry about getting harassed or anything.
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batmanisagatewaydrug · 8 months
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Good evening Sex Witch,
I have a question re: forming a healthy relationship with one’s own sex drive.
I’ve had a complicated relationship with sex. I’m male, in my 30’s and gay. I’ve only had a few encounters, and while I don’t regret any of them, I also feel a lot of cringe re: my own performance and have similar fears about future encounters.
For some context, I’m a big guy (fat and tall) and I don’t have much physical dexterity or stamina. I also have body image issues (because ofc) and some lingering anxieties that come from a background of purity culture/ aids and std scare tactics (conservative small town childhood). I guess I feel like I need to “git gud” before I try reinstalling grinder, but I know a lot of of that’s just the internalized body/fitness shame talking, along with a little remaining prudery. You can’t git gud without practice after all.
Don’t worry, I’m not asking for magic bullets. I’m working on other issues I’ve got, and I do have a therapist. But if you have any thoughts about what a first step towards finding a better relationship with sex is re: performance anxiety and feeling safe… well, I’d love to hear them.
Thanks for reading!
hi anon,
listen: looking back and feeling cringey about your past self is totally normal. it's totally fine as long as you aren't being unkind to your past self for doing the best they could at the time; instead, take that feeling of discomfort as a sign that you want to do better by yourself in the future by having sex you feel more confident about!
so, how do we do that? of course there's no one thing that works for everyone, but let's talk about some places to start.
if you're worried about your physical prowess during sex, I'd recommend looking up sex tips for folks who are elderly, disabled, or otherwise have mobility problems. now, you or someone else reading this might be saying "but Makenzie, I'm not elderly or disabled! the idea of accessing those resources makes me feel uncomfortable and defensive for reasons I suspect you're about to make me unpack!"
look: ideally, you are going to be old one day. and the odds that you will reach old age and still be exactly as spry and mobile as you are in your younger years are VERY low, but you (like many other elderly people!) may still want to have sex. so first off, think of this as a chance to take a look at the answers before the test. secondly, the tips are there, and if they work for you then they work for you. why wouldn't you want to make sex more comfortable, enjoyable, and low-stress as possible? whether it's trying out new positions that are easier on your body, using strategically-placed pillows to make things easier on an aching body, or using toys to help extend the experience when your flesh and blood body taps out, there are sexual accessibility aides for almost everyone.
being nervous about AIDS and other STIs is very normal, but also a very addressable fear! keep your condoms at the ready (external or internal, take your pick), know about STI testing near you (remember: two weeks after a new partner is ideal if you have concerns), and have an honest conversation with every partner about your respective STI statuses. if necessary, look into PrEP and PEP options near you - PrEP for if you're planning to have sex with someone who is or might be HIV-positive, PEP within 72 hours if you find out a partner was positive after the fact.
and remember: sexually transmitted infections are not the end of the world. they have no moral bearing and do not say anything about you as a person, and nearly all (with some exceptions) can be completely cured with the proper medication - so make sure you're aware of what's normal when your body is healthy and heading to a doctor as soon as possible if anything changes!
you want to git gud? the best way to do that is developing a firm sense of what's right for you during sex so that you can come to potential partners prepared with an informed conversation about your health and ready instructions for the ways you like to have sex. you know what's hot? people who know what the fuck they want. I don't even mean that in a dommy way (although, sure, if that's your cup of tea!) but rather people who have put the time and effort into figuring out what they like and want to try and readily communicate that with partners so they can share in that pleasure instead of having to guess.
spend some time thinking about what that looks like for you, and what you might want to try out with other people. you don't need to be perfectly smooth about it; a willingness to mess up and laugh it off is actually vital.
tl;dr: don't go into sex acting like you need to apologize for being you, babe. show up ready to show your partners exactly what you like, and open the space for them to do the same in return. that's the space where magic happens.
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You Can Go Your Own Way - Black Rose Part 3
Summary: Niamh hatched a plot to keep Rhys away from her while she had time to heal. Rhys finds out. Part 3 of the Black Rose series.
Pairings: Rhysand x OC (Niamh of the Spring Court, no physical descriptions), slight Azriel x OC
Warnings: ANGST, a bit of betrayal, therapy session, slight stalking, rage rage rage
Word Count: 2965
A/N: So I totally didn’t mean to make this into a series, but I guess that’s the way it’s going. I’m thinking 2 more chapters and I’ll wrap it up, but who knows. Title comes from “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac. 
Likes/Reblogs/Comments mean the world to me and help me write faster! Thanks in advance!
Banner by me, dividers by firefly-graphics
Part 1 | Part 2
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After pouring Rhys into bed for the third time in as many days, Azriel flew his usual patrol around the city before landing softly in the front yard of a small ivy-covered house on the outskirts of Velaris. He knocked on the front door three times, paused for two beats, then knocked once more. 
Niamh opened the door and let him inside. The boxes he and Cassian had moved for her were mostly unpacked, stacked in haphazard piles about the room. Her hair was frizzing out of her braid that had been neat that morning. The purple circles under her eyes made their color stand out all the more. Her plush lips were pulled in a tight line.
“He bought it?” she asked quietly, closing and locking the front door. 
“He did,” Azriel confirmed, tucking his hands behind his back. “Spent quite a lot of time debating over which court you’re in while he drank the townhouse dry. Are you okay?” 
Niamh chuckled mirthlessly, “Not really. I’m still not convinced this is the right thing to do.” She started wringing her hands in front of her, glancing about the small living room. 
Azriel wrapped her small hands in his, capturing her attention. His shadows encircled her wrists, stroking her forearms in an attempt at comforting her. “It’s just for now. You know he wouldn’t stop trying to bring you back into the fold, and that would only hurt you more. This is best until things are…settled.” 
“I know,” she muttered, leaning her head into his shoulder. His shadows made room for her and she wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him fully. “I just wish I could skip ahead, you know? Skip all this pain. Get back to normal.” 
Her voice was small and muffled against his leathers. Without thinking, Azriel hugged her back. Seeing her like this made his heart ache for her, but he knew she didn’t want pity. She needed a friend right now, which is why he and Mor had worked so hard talking her into staying. 
They’d agreed to her terms — only one member of the Inner Circle at her new home at a time, otherwise they might draw Rhys’s attention. Her location was to remain secret until she said so. If Rhys found out before that time was up, they would let her leave Velaris without asking any questions. 
But, they had countered with some demands of their own. She had to seek professional help and not wallow in her depression. If she got too unstable or unwell, they could alert Rhys but only if it was absolutely necessary. And finally, her sworn duty to Velaris would remain intact. If Velaris needed her, she would break her isolation. 
Their deal had caused a new tattoo to bloom on his left obliques. A rose with dark swirls surrounding it. Mor’s was behind her ear, easily hidden under her long hair, and Niamh’s circled her wrist. 
“You’ll get there, Sweetrose,” he reassured, stroking her hair with his damaged hands and delighting in the softness of it. He didn’t know which of them started it but soon they were swaying gently together, slowly rocking from one foot to the other. Like a slow dance, but more sedate. 
“I have my first therapist appointment tomorrow. The office is down by the river, will you take me?” she asked, pulling back just enough to look up at him. 
“Of course. What time?”
“Ten. You’ll be done with training then, right?” 
“Don’t worry, I’ll make it work. This is important, Niamh, you’re important.” 
“Thank you, Az.” She looked up at him and brushed a curl that had fallen in his face, “You’re important too.” 
His heart stuttered in his chest as her fingers brushed along his cheekbone, down his jaw. The look she was giving him caused confusion. Years of working together had given them a close bond, he felt like he knew her as well as he knew Mor, perhaps even better. Still, this look of softness was new to him. He’d been on the receiving end of her caring and comfort, this was not that. 
‘Fatigue,’
‘Affection,’
‘Kiss,’
His shadows whispered at him but he ignored them. What kind of male would kiss her when she was so vulnerable? When her situation was so tenuous? Her eyes held a hint of expectation, so he compromised and bent forward to rest his forehead against her own. Still they swayed together, even though there was no music playing. 
Neither of them had felt this at peace in a long, long while.
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One Month Later
Hypatia’s office was impeccably decorated. Tasteful columns framed the carved wooden doors, the furniture was dyed leather in the softest lavender hue, and she had a seemingly never-ending supply of tissues. Niamh wouldn’t be surprised if they magically replenished. 
She leaned forward and took another one, dabbing her eyes and blowing her nose. Today’s session was intense. They’d dived much deeper than Niamh thought possible and now parts of herself she’d wondered about started to make more sense. 
Mainly, the reason she didn’t want to speak to Rhys was so she wouldn’t appear vulnerable. If she wasn’t vulnerable, she couldn’t get hurt. Her avoidance, this whole charade she’d set up with Azriel and Morrigan, was to protect herself. But it was isolating, even with Mor and Az stopping by and her coffee dates with Cassian. She was alienating them from Rhysand, unintentionally, but alienating them all the same by making them lie for her. 
Moving on was hard work. Her journey wasn’t over, but she was quickly approaching a fork in the road. One way led to the ruin of her friendships, one led to their salvation. Salvation required but a single step, yet it felt insurmountable all the same.
“Do you think I’m ready?” She asked, voice trembling. 
Hypatia’s citrine-yellow eyes regarded her with compassion and the female tilted her head. Like her office, Hypatia was carefully styled. Her gray-white hair was swept up in a tight bun, her makeup was subtle and accentuated her gracefully aging features. The dark blue suit she wore was tailored to perfection — when Niamh had asked, Hypatia insisted she tailored all her own clothing. Niamh believed her. 
“I think you’ve done some great work in this room,” she said, her low melodic voice soothing Niamh’s nerves, “and you’ve come a long way in a short amount of time.”
“I sense a ‘but’,” Niamh said, a poor attempt to lighten the mood in the room. 
“But I can’t make that decision for you. If you feel you’re strong enough, you are. And you are strong, Niamh, but don’t feel the need to rush.” 
Niamh considered her words. “I think it’s time. I’ve been…hiding, running away, for too long. My friends deserve better. Rhys deserves better.” 
“You also deserve better.” 
“Right,” Niamh sighed, not quite believing it but knowing that she could trust Hypatia’s judgment. 
“Can you say that for me? I deserve better?”
Damn her.
“I deserve better,” Niamh said, looking down at her hands. 
“Once more, louder,” Hypatia encouraged.
“I deserve better,” Niamh responded, a little louder. 
“Last time, like you believe it!” 
“I deserve better!” she half-shouted and for the briefest of moments, she believed it. She deserved better than living in fear that Rhysand would find out where she’d hidden herself away. She deserved better than only having part-time friends who needed to maintain distance so as not to spill her secret. She deserved to live her life and be happy and this unresolved tension wouldn’t allow that. 
“That’s my girl!” Hypatia nodded and glanced at her wristwatch. “That’s a good place for us to pick up next time. Thank you for sharing today, Niamh.” 
The two females stood and Niamh went to the door, “I’ll see you Thursday?” 
“I’ll see you then,” Hypatia said, opening the door and Niamh exited through the waiting room onto the street. 
A ways away, someone was playing a snappy tune on a trumpet. The day was nice, not too warm, and sunny but not too sunny. Niamh left her therapist’s office feeling lighter, like a Rhysand-sized weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She made her way down the street, footsteps in time with the music. 
She was getting better.
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Azriel had been oddly tongue-tied about his afternoon plans when Rhys had asked him, so he decided to follow the Shadowsinger. With his shadows and his keen senses, it wasn’t an easy task. A few times, Rhys definitely thought he was caught but if Azriel knew his High Lord was following him, he gave no indication. 
The male flew his normal circuitous patrol above the city before heading toward the newer section of Velaris, which had been outskirts fifty years ago but was now full of small charming homes and new businesses. 
What is he doing here? Rhys wondered. To his knowledge, Az hadn’t moved. Then again, he was the spymaster for a reason. Perhaps he had moved and just hadn’t mentioned it.
Azriel landed gracefully in front of a small stone-facade house that was mostly covered with ivy. Light shone through the thin curtains in the windows — someone was already here. 
Was this the home of one of his informants? Or had Az finally given up on Morrigan and found love? Hope fluttered in Rhys’ chest for his friend as he watched him approach the front door and knocked thrice, paused for two beats, and then knocked once more. 
The door opened on an all-too-familiar face. A face Rhys had only seen in memories. A face he had been told had left his Court. A face he had once loved more than anything. 
Niamh’s face lit up in a smile as she welcomed Azriel. Rhys was too far away to hear what they were saying, but she was clearly happy to see Az. They exchanged pleasantries, then the door closed with both of them on the other side. 
No way would she have been that happy to see him, no way she would welcome her High Lord into her home like that. Jealousy turned his blood to acid in his veins. It took the entirety of his self-control to not bust down the door and demand an explanation. 
Instead, he winnowed to Amren’s street and burst into her home. The cat-eyed female was lounging on her sofa, looking entirely unbothered by his intrusion. 
“Hello to you too, Rhysand,” she said, not getting up. “What’s got your hackles up?” 
“Niamh,” he panted, “She’s still in the city. Azriel knows. Even though he told me he flew her to the border, she’s still here!” 
Amren only nodded, “I know this.” 
He gaped at his second in command. “What?” 
“Azriel and Mor made the deal with her to get her to stay.” 
His stomach was in his shoes. His mind was racing with questions. He needed answers, so he sent out a blaring mental message to all of his Inner Circle.
House of Wind, NOW.
“I’m sitting right here, Rhysand.” Amren droned from her seat, and he flipped her a rude gesture before winnowing to the House of Wind. 
Cassian was already there, shirtless and damp with sweat. He toweled himself off as Rhys started pacing the living room. 
“Everything okay? That was a pretty intense message,” Cassian asked. Rhys didn’t answer. Amren appeared and draped herself across the sofa much as she had in her home moments ago. Morrigan was the next to arrive, wearing a dress that was meant for Rita’s and her makeup half-done. 
“What’s so urgent? Are you okay?” she asked, worry in her tone. 
“I am absolutely not okay, Mor. Where the fuck is Azriel?” He asked no one, pacing becoming more intense. Of course, he knew exactly where Azriel was. He was with Niamh in the house he’d hidden her in, right under Rhys’s nose. 
Mor and Cassian exchanged a nervous glance. The shadowsinger appeared a moment later. Tension filled the room as Rhysand caught sight of the male, halting in his tracks but not saying anything. 
He could feel rage building inside him, but took a deep breath and closed his eyes. 
“Everyone sit,” he demanded, using his High Lord tone. Cassian and Mor joined Amren on the sofa, Azriel took a chair. Amren was the only one unaffected by the stifling atmosphere — the remaining three members of the Inner Circle were glancing between them, trying to figure out what had caused their High Lord to scream into their minds.
Rhysand moved behind the open chair and gripped the back of it. The velvet felt soft under his fingers. His anger was simmering in his chest, tensing his shoulders. Gathering his thoughts felt like a herculean task, but he managed it. 
“The thing about betrayal,” he started, “is that it never comes from your enemies.” 
“Betrayal? What are you talking about, Rhys?” Mor asked, trying to make eye contact with him but instead he glared at each member of his family in turn.
“You’ve all been lying to me. I know Niamh is still in Velaris.” He held up his hand to stop Mor and Cassian’s interjections, “And I want to know just what in the Mother-fucking fuck you all were thinking when you decided to lie to me.” 
He lowered his hand and stuck both hands in his pants pockets. Azriel’s shadows flickered around him like the tail of a nervous cat. Mor looked between the Illyrians, then rose to her feet and approached him. 
“Okay, yes, we lied to you about Niamh leaving,” she explained gently, “But we never meant to hurt you. We did it for her. She was…not well, Rhys. Not leaving her apartment, not sleeping, barely eating. She needed us, but she was dead set on leaving Velaris because she couldn’t handle your presence looming over everything. So Azriel and I talked to her, got her to agree to stay.” 
Mor was too good at conciliatory explanations. His anger was nearly quashed, replaced with guilt and curiosity. He raised an eyebrow at her. Sweeping her swath of golden hair away from the left side of her neck, she turned her head, exposing her neck to him. He took a step closer and noticed a tattoo of a small rose behind her ear — the symbol of her agreement with Niamh. 
“You had to make a deal with her?” he asked, imagining where Niamh’s tattoo appeared. 
“Yes, we did. Only Mor and I, though, so Cass and Amren could have plausible deniability.” Azriel explained. 
Rhys looked at Cassian and Amren, “Plausible deniability?” 
“I only knew she was still here, not where,” Amren answered with a shrug. 
Cassian held his palms up toward the ceiling, “I only met her in public.”
“So you were protecting her? From me?” 
“Only until she gets better. Once she feels she’s ready, she’ll move back to her apartment and return to the Inner Circle.” A low tone from Azriel, like the growl of a panther.
“Do you really expect me to give her space now that I know she’s still here?”
“Yes,” Azriel snapped immediately, the growl becoming a snarl, “You will stay. Away. From her.” 
Rhys stalked toward where Azriel still sat, slow steps to make sure the spymaster understood the danger in provoking him. His eyes locked onto Azriel’s hazel ones. First one to blink loses, becomes the prey. “Are you going to make me?”
“I will if I have to,” Azriel’s tone was dangerously protective. His scarred hands clenched into the arms of the chair he sat in, holding himself back. 
Mor moved between them, intercepting Rhys before he got much closer to Azriel. “One of her conditions was if you found out, we would have to let her leave. No questions asked, she could just disappear and we’d never see her again. You don’t want that, right?”
Rhysand broke his eye contact with Az, instead taking in his cousin’s beseeching look. Her hand on his chest, above his heart, provided the first grounding sensation he’d felt since he followed Azriel to Niamh’s home. 
She was right, of course. He knew that if he showed up at Niamh’s door now he would lose her forever. Flushing her out would only serve to put more distance between them and decimate any slim glimmer of hope that he had for their reconciliation. He sighed, relaxed his shoulders. The adrenaline fueling his anger finally left his body and his chin dropped to his chest. 
“No. I don’t.” He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Fuck. I hate it when you’re right.” 
Mor smiled gently, “You think you’d be used to it by now.”
Mirthless chuckles left his lips. He took a few steps away and collapsed into the chair he’d gripped before. All eyes were on him. Azriel regarded him with a blank stare tinged with suspicion, but Rhys brushed it off. 
“Is she okay?”
Mor nodded enthusiastically, “Much better. She’s almost back to her old self.”
“Now that we’ve got that settled,” Amren interrupted the silence, “Can I go now? I have a hot date with my own sofa and a bottle of Day Court wine.”
Rhys waved his hand in front of him absentmindedly. “Go, enjoy your wine.” Amren disappeared, but the other three fae remained. 
“How about you, Rhys,” Cassian piped up. “You okay?” 
Rhys let himself relax, let his mind wander a bit until a cold hand gripped his diaphragm and squeezed — fear, he was feeling fear but not his own.
‘Please, somebody, say something! Help me! Save me!’
He snapped to attention at the pleading voice in his head. All he said was, “Feyre,” before he winnowed away.
His mate was in trouble, and he had to help her.
Niamh could wait.
Part 4
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izukuwus · 1 year
Text
Edible Arrangements 27
First - Prev - Next - M.list - Read on Ao3
A/N: WE REMAIN ON SCHEDULE. I also figured out how to make formatting not break when copying from Scrivener, so this went much faster! Have a, uh, Thanksgiving chapter in December, lmao
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Chapter Summary: It's nearly Friendsgiving! You finalize your project with Neito and have a good time with your friends.
Warnings: Some medical talk regarding dislocated bones, the general existence of Thanksgiving
Word Count: 3800+
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You regret to admit as much, but you might actually not totally despise Neito. Sure, there’s still that lingering unease around him, and no, you still won’t meet him without backup, not even after three weeks of uneventful project work interspersed with angry debates. But… weeks of chatting with him and no major incidents have steeled your nerves. All the lingering unease is just that—lingering. And now the end of this stupid philosophy project is in sight, and you’re nearly free, and you find yourself actually willing to have pleasant conversation with him, not an underlying accusation in sight.
(Of course, none of that to say the conversation wasn’t awkward. Just less unpleasant.)
Mina was on duty today, but she’s stepped away to the restroom, leaving you to make conversation alone. “So, uh,” you start, closing your laptop at the end of your final pass-through of the paper. “Doing anything for break?”
Neito’s fingers still on his laptop keyboard. You’ve got no idea what he was typing, but you know it wasn’t in your shared Google doc. His wheels turn for a moment before he answers.
“I’m not sure. I… My… Things are weird now. With my family.”
You hum as you pack up. “I guess it’s your first holiday as, uh… this.”
He nods. “I can’t say I’m on very good terms with Itsuka after this. The drive home will be rough.”
“Itsuka? The one who turned you, right? Is she…”
“My stepsister,” he finishes. “We ended up at the same university. She’s… I can’t say I’ve really talked with her about all this.”
“You haven’t?” You raise an eyebrow. “What, have you just been avoiding each other for the past month?”
Neito lets out the longest sigh he can hold. “Essentially, yes. I woke up, she told me about what I need to know as a new vampire, and then we haven’t had a real conversation since. It’s all, ‘are you adjusting well?’ and ‘getting on okay in your classes?’ The rest of the time, we’re just… hovering around each other.”
“Is it because you don’t want to talk to her, or because she doesn’t want to talk to you?”
“Neither, I think.” He runs a hand through his hair. Maybe it’s only because you hadn’t spent much time together, but he’s looked more disheveled in the past weeks than you had ever noticed before. “Or maybe… maybe I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. How do you talk to someone after that? Perhaps I was in the wrong when I took it on myself to hunt innocent people, thinking myself a hero, but… even if I deserved the consequences received, I don’t know how to talk to someone who hurt me so deeply.”
You sigh. It’s clear that he’s hurting a lot from this, and your sympathy wars with the ongoing aches in your arm. “Have you considered getting a therapist?”
“Hm?”
“I mean, like, I’ve been through some shit. I mean, obviously.” You gesture to your scarring arm. “But even before that, there’d been some bullshit. I went to therapy for a little while after that. Would’ve kept going if my finances didn’t tank, but either way, my therapist was really cool.”
“Some bullshit?” He raises an eyebrow. “Like what, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Oh that? I got stabbed. And some other stuff, too, I guess, but it wasn’t all that important.”
He hums thoughtfully, fingers returning to flying across his keyboard with whatever he’s doing. “You said your therapist was good? Can you point me their way?”
“Oh, yeah. It’s, uh… shit. What was her name?” You genuinely can’t remember. It’s hazy, a name on the tip of your brain, but every time you brush against it, it slips away. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember. I’ll dig into my records when I’m home, I sure I wrote down her info when I was still seeing her.”
“Don’t worry about it; take as much time as you need. I admit I’m a bit wary of seeing a therapist without a good recommendation, so it would be of great help to me.”
“Yeah, sure! I’ll submit stuff tonight and go digging for my old therapist’s info for you. Sound good?”
“Please.”
It’s bitter, mostly, this sort of parting. Mina returns from the bathroom, and you gather up your stuff in relative silence. Things could have been different, you think, but then your arm brushes against the metal of your chair and leaves an angry burn behind, and you shake it off.
You’ll get him his therapist, and then you’ll be done with this, all of it.
~
You make your way home. You’ve got a kitten to play with, a paper to submit, and a therapist’s info to dig up. You call out to Izuku on your way in, but no one replies, just Sbeve barreling at you at top speeds from the top of the stairs. Sbeve’s proven to be quite the cuddle bug, curling right up in your arms as you walk around the house looking for Izuku.
He’s not downstairs. He’s not in the basement. You don’t find him in the kitchen, the library, or his secret study. Then, just for completion’s sake, you glance outside and realize his car isn’t even here. He must not have mentioned he was going out.
No matter. It just gives you time to focus on other things—Sbeve to cuddle up with you while you go through your laptop. A chill, quiet night in. You can work with that.
~
The group of them meets up on campus, the sun already having set in the November cold. They meet up under a streetlamp outside the library. In attendance: Tsuyu and Mina, representing the only humans present. Also in attendance: Izuku, Neito, Hitoshi, and an unexpected face, accompanying Hitoshi.
Neito is the first to recognize him. “Dr. Aizawa?”
“Monoma. You have a project due tonight, as I recall.”
He shakes his head, waves it off. “We finalized it earlier. [name] should be submitting it sometime right around now.”
He nods, lets out a long-suffering sigh. “Sorry for crashing the Disenthrallment Council or whatever you’re calling it. Hitoshi asked me for advice, as his sire, so I guess I’m also helping out with this.”
“No, no problem!” Izuku says, waving his hands a touch frantically. “It’s rare to see you outside of staff meetings!”
Dr. Aizawa arches an eyebrow at him. “You don’t even work on campus.”
“Well, I… Y-yeah, I guess so!” He clams right back up.
“So, then. Who’s leading this, anyway?”
“Leading?” Mina echoes. “No one’s really a leader here. We’re not really directed enough for that.”
“I’ll start us off, then. I don’t have all night.”
“R-right…”
“What’s the current status on trying to disenthrall this student?”
Tsuyu raises her hand, more out of instinct than anything. “We’ve just gotten information from Tenya about what the enthrallment covers this week. We’re still figuring out a strategy, kero.”
Neito nods. “We thought to start trying by sort of prying at the “edges” of their memory, but…”
“What’s the “edge” of a memory, anyway?” Mina complains. “It’s fine to say that, but what does that even mean?”
“Like where their memories are weak?”
She hums, dissatisfied with the answer.
“I thought I was finding the edge of one of those memories at the end of our project meeting today, but it seems I was unsuccessful… I doubt I’ll, personally, have many more opportunities.” Neito sighs. “It’s a shame, too.”
Dr. Aizawa looks over each of them slowly, tired eyes closing as he thinks. “So, what you’re trying to do is get them to focus on the weaker parts of the thrall?”
“Yeah,” Hitoshi says. “We’re looking, basically, for bits of memories where they don’t seem to change the subject as quickly, and pressing those.”
“Why don’t you look for a way to force them to look at the memories as a whole?” he asks.
Izuku shakes his head. “It’s no good. They start reacting pretty negatively, and last time, they got a very serious headache. I’m worried that it’ll create more damage by forcing them to face the thrall head-on.”
“Are you worried it’ll hurt them, or are you worried that it’ll be uncomfortable?”
“Well, I… it’s not that, i-it’s just…”
Dr. Aizawa sighs. “You were a medical doctor at one point, weren’t you? Have you ever handled a dislocated shoulder?”
Izuku cringes a bit. “I have. And I understand what you’re saying, but—“
“Then you know that sometimes forcing a patient through the pain is necessary for them to do any healing.”
“But it should be done by a trained professional!” he protested. “You risk so much more damage to the dislocated joint if you put it back without the correct training, the correct precautions, the right approach and technique and—“
“Do you think you’ll find anyone who has that training in this situation? As far as I’ve heard, no one alive knows how to do what you kids are trying to do. There are no experts, and there is no right approach or any sort of training. You’re just going to have to do the painful thing.”
“I don’t… I don’t know about all that…” Izuku says, quietly and to himself. The conversation is already blazing forward without his enthusiasm.
“If you were to take the route of forcing them to acknowledge their own memories, then I guess the best route would be to present them with evidence of things they’ve forgotten. They’ve had their memories overwritten, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“There should be evidence somewhere to prove what’s actually happened. If they’ve got pictures hidden somewhere from back then, or if there were videos of them doing something they don’t remember doing, for example. Give them something they can’t look away from.”
“In other words,” Neito says, his phone buzzing in his hand, “smash the thrall.”
He checks the text, an eyebrow raised.
[name] to Neito at 6:04 PM
[name]: okay so project’s uploaded
[name]: I did some digging and found an email exchange with my old therapist
[name]: looks like she’s not currently open to new patients, but she’s got a waitlist you can get on to be contacted when she’s got time
[name]: anyways here’s her page
[name]: small.link/clear-skies-clinic
[name]: I remember her being really, really good and helpful, so hopefully she’ll be useful to you and everything. there wasn’t really much of anything I couldn’t tell her and feel comfy.
[name]: good luck with your new biting thing. or whatever.
Neito’s eyebrow arches higher. Not much they couldn’t tell her…
Neito: When did you see her, again?
[name]: weird question, but ok
[name]: like, two-ish years ago
“I guess I have some old pictures? But [name] might just think they were taken after they and Tenya “met”…” Mina has a hand on her shoulder as she brainstorms.
“We’ll have to spend some time gathering evidence.”
Dr. Aizawa nods. “It has to be enough evidence that they can’t possibly come up with an argument for it. I don’t think just a few pictures is going to cut it.”
Neito tunes them out, opening up the link you sent. There it is—the therapist’s contact info, a professional picture of her—pleasant expression, glasses, white hair with little shocks of red. Below the photo, the text reads: Dr. Fuyumi Todoroki: Licensed Mental Health Counselor, EdD, LCMHC, LCAS.
“Hey. Van Helsing wannabe.”
Neito’s eyes snap away from the therapist’s email address. “Hm?”
“Wow, you actually answered to that.”
He rolls his eyes. “What?”
“Are you listening or what?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry. Our resident thrall was texting.”
Hitoshi rolls his eyes in return. “If you could pay attention, that would be great.”
“No, no, I think the distraction was good. How long do you suppose therapists keep their notes?”
“If they’re following local regulations, seven years, kero.” Tsuyu tilts her head. “Why are you asking?”
“I may have something of a debatably ethical idea.”
~
Fall break settles nicely around you. All projects out of the way, homework binged on the first day of break, finds you instead focused on texting and trying to coordinate any kind of holiday feast with your friends. Draped across the living room couch, you text, keeping one eye on the little ball of fluff perched atop the cat tree.
capris are for drinking to Friendliest Friends at 1:59PM
capris are for drinking: Alright bitches it’s noon I need you to wake up and sound off @ET come home
ET come home: excuse you, I’ve been in the dance studio since like 6am
ribbit: that doesn’t actually disprove that you were sleeping
capris are for drinking: @I Must Proceed With Speed sound off
I Must Proceed With Speed: Oh, good. Someone changed my nickname again.
ET come home: <3
capris are for drinking: <3
ribbit: <3
capris are for drinking: it is now officially fall break!
ET come home: fall break started yesterday
capris are for drinking: not according to the fall 2050 academic calendar it didn’t!
capris are for drinking: anyways shut up
capris are for drinking: and give me your guyseseses schedules
capris are for drinking: we need to coord friendsgiving and I’m free infinitely at the moment so I’m the common denominator
You hear movement behind you. Sbeve hasn’t left line of sight, which leaves one option…
“Hey, Izuku. Plans for holiday stuff this week?”
Izuku freezes in the doorway to the kitchen area, staring at you blankly. “Oh. I forgot about Thanksgiving.”
You shake your head. “Not Thanksgiving. But we do do a Friendsgiving-type thing. I’m working on organizing it with the usual group, but we will need to figure out where to host. We could do it here, if you’re okay with it…? Obviously you’re invited.”
“I’ve got no plans or anything, so feel free! I can help put it all together and everything, too.”
“We do it like a potluck feast. Mina, Tsuyu, and Tenya all would be bringing stuff, so we won’t be worrying about all of the food.”
He comes to lean on the back of the couch as you text and talk. “So who’s in charge of what?”
“We haven’t figured it out yet. Let’s see…”
ET come home: I’m good for tomorrow if you guys are
I Must Proceed With Speed: I don’t have any particular plans, though the notice is short
capris are for drinking: yeah, sorry about that! it’s been… you know, a lot, recently.
capris are for drinking: school bullshit and prepping for exams and like, writing an entire paper with… well, you know, tenya
capris are for drinking: what about saturday? would that work better?
I Must Proceed With Speed: much better.
ribbit: works for me!
ET come home: I’m down!
capris are for drinking: great. zuku says we can host here if that’s okay?
ET come home: oh good more excuses for you not to leave the house ;)
capris are for drinking: fuck you <3
Their agreements sound off, and soon, with Izuku peeking over your shoulder and offering suggestions, food is coordinated. It’ll take some time preparing—in fact, probably the rest of today planning and shopping—but you wouldn’t miss it for the world.
~
Planning is, actually, the worst part. You find yourself sitting at the kitchen counter, notebook in front of you, head in your hands as Izuku takes inventory of the fridge and pantry.
“I can’t do it,” you moan. “It’s so much thinking. My brain’s too fried.”
“It’s not that bad. Look, what does Tsuyu always bring?”
“Kickasserole.”
“Is… is that the official name?”
“Didn’t used to be, but we renamed it. It’s kickasserole these days.”
He laughs, then nods. “Okay, so we don’t need to worry about the casserole. What’s Mina always bring?”
“Pie. Oh my god her pie is so good. She brings, like, four of them. We don’t need to worry about dessert.”
“Great! No worries about dessert, then. What’s Tenya bring?”
“Tenya always brings the turkey, but he hasn’t been coming ever since his—“
You stop. Furrow your brow.
..
.
“…sorry,” you say after a long moment. That’s strange. You had a sentence in your head, but it just… vanished. “My head kinda hurts, lost my train of thought there. So I was saying, that leaves us with bread rolls, mashed potatoes, drinks. Mina does alcohol, but Tsuyu’s not much of a drinker, so we should have another option or two on deck.”
Izuku watches you for a second. You shift under his gaze, nervously turning back to your notes. “What was it you were saying before?” he asks after a moment.
“What?”
“Tenya hasn’t been coming ever since what?”
You arch a brow. “What are you talking about? I just met Tenya in, like, January. Of course he hasn’t been coming.”
“I’m just saying, y-you didn’t even think about including him in your plans, right? You just already knew to do so.”
“Yeah? Friendsgiving is with the lunch bunch. It’s not like I’d exclude him. We’re over that whole fight, I think. And I’m not the only one deciding, after all.”
“But he also didn’t seem surprised by your suddenly bringing it up,” he presses. “Isn’t that weird?”
You shrug. “I probably brought it up like, last week and just forgot. We run into each other on campus all the time.”
He frowns, but says nothing, and you return to planning, then to shopping, then to prepping, all in a smooth line.
~
Tenya is the first to arrive that day, carrying in a hefty tray with you-know-exactly-what as you hold Sbeve back. He sets it down, and it’s not long until the other two arrive—Mina with her pies, carried in in two trips, and Tsuyu with her kickasserole. The meal settles in, your friends with it, and the day passes without incident. Even Tenya and Izuku seem to be getting close to getting along. Kind of.
They leave in the opposite order they came. Tsuyu has to leave to pick up her brother from his friend’s house, Mina rolls out with a sly look that implies she’s wanting to give you alone time with your housemate. Tenya is the one who lingers, petting Sbeve’s head with three thick fingers in your living room as you walk him to the door.
“Thanks for coming,” you say at the door.
He nods. “Of course.”
“It was short notice and all.”
“I really don’t mind. It’s good to be flexible!”
You sigh, smiling as not even a hint of a glow comes to him. “Thank you, then.”
There’s a moment where both of you pause at the door. The pair of you stand there, not speaking. Sbeve’s purring fills the silence between you, and in that air, your questions hang.
You wonder where Tenya gets his drinks. He’s never so much as looked at you, Mina, or Tsuyu for blood, although your collective knowledge of his vampirism is fairly recent. Still, to not even have asked… has there ever been a moment where he seemed to be off? Thirsty? Is it the family hospital? How would his brother feel if—
…his brother?
“…say, Tenya—“
“Before I go, I’d like to speak with you,” he says, and he’s not looking at you. His eyes are past you, where Izuku has frozen on his way into the kitchen with plates in hand.
“O-oh! Uh, no problem. Would you prefer this be private, or—“
He barely takes a moment to consider it. “Yes, actually. If you don’t mind, [name]…”
“No, no! Go right ahead.”
Your vampires head further in, and you’re left with Sbeve, sitting on the couch with Tenya’s dish, waiting for them to have their talk.
~
“I need to apologize to you.”
Tenya says it before the door’s even closed, his voice low, and Izuku bristles.
“O-okay?”
When the door clicks closed, Tenya lets out a long, sad sigh, his hand lingering on the doorknob. “I have been unfair to you from the moment [name] mentioned you. I’m sorry for that.”
Izuku is silent, staring at him with a furrowed brow. When Tenya lets him marinate in the silence, he gives in to speaking. “Why are you apologizing now?”
“Stop trying to break their thrall. The others will be fine, but…”
“Why?”
“You haven’t gone through the information I sent you?”
“I know that the two of you have known each other for a while, but…”
Tenya meets his eyes, a deep-set frown on his lips. “Their thrall is likely not possible to break. But if it is, and you do it, you will be driving them away. They will likely remember who they were when they were enthralled, and though I don’t deserve it, if they truly remember me…”
“I get it. That’s a choice [name] will have to make for themselves.”
“You’re going to keep trying? Even if it means you lose them?”
“It’s not about that. I’m doing this for them, not me.”
Izuku has to wonder. He hates it, but he has to wonder: would he be lying, in your eyes?
“I’m sure there’s plenty that you’re smarter than me about. You have the years and experience to have reached that point, not to mention far too much schooling. But I think you’re doing something incredibly stupid by choosing to keep on with this.”
Tenya cracks the door, about to leave. Izuku flashes him a thin smile. “Thank you for apologizing.”
“I doubt it will happen again.”
Izuku watches Tenya leave. He needs a moment to himself.
~
Tenya comes to you alone, Izuku nowhere in sight. You nearly miss him on his way out the door, though your attention snaps to him the moment you hear him.
“Mind if I ask what all that was about?”
“I do, unfortunately,” he says.
You smile. “No worries.”
There it is again. That awkwardness. There’s something hanging in the air. A kind of tension in your chest, a closure that’s missing, that can never come, because you haven’t the first clue what you’re even looking for.
“Thank you again. I know you don’t like Izuku, so… thank you for playing nice with him tonight. Please tell me you weren’t in there threatening him again.”
“No, nothing of the sort.”
To your relief, he isn’t lying. You pass him back his dish, brain reaching for the question you’d wanted to ask him before, but you can’t seem to get a grip on it.
“Have a good night, Tenya.”
This is weird. This is really weird.
He pulls you into a hug, soft and big and painful on a level you can’t understand.
“Good night, [name].”
On your porch, he pauses, looking back at you. “Before I forget. You wanted to ask something before, didn’t you? Sorry I interrupted you.”
You shake your head. “I can’t remember what it was. Don’t worry about it, okay, Tenya?”
He nods and bids you one last goodnight. You watch him go.
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IT IS TIME...to make an old-fashioned embarrassing text post like those days of yore before my old therapist started doing CBT.
So, I started an OK Cupid account. It’s kind of a big step, and also something I’ve been joking about for more than a year. Just any time something funny or self-deprecating (or vaguely dirty) came up I’d be like ‘putting that on the OKC profile!’ In the end my OKC profile is pretty tame. Maybe too tame really. I should probably rewrite my bio so I sound nerdier and more romantic or something.
ANYWAY. The point is, it’s scary, knowing that in order to be loved you must submit to the ordeal of being known or whatever, but I took a tiny step which feels like a huge step after ten eleven years of singlehood and touch starvedness. Now I just need someone to message me so I can take another small terrifying step and meet them. And so on and so on. It’s just fear all the way down with me when it comes to intimacy. IT’S FINE. I EMAILED A POSSIBLE THERAPIST THIS EVENING.
Last weekend I met with a friend who just graduated library school and talked to her about how to find a job and such. It was cathartic, and also heartening. I really do have a lot of practical skills from the work I’ve been doing for fifteen years now. She said I have experience with things they didn’t even really learn in grad school, that she’s had to learn on the job. That makes me feel a little better. I still worry about how glutted the librarian market is up here, but there really are a ton of library jobs to apply for in all different industries, so I’ll probably find something that will pay me enough and not murder me eventually.
(My Indeed email today had a listing for a Digital Archivist for the MFA but the pay only went up to $49K??? THAT’S LESS THAN THE TOO LITTLE I’M MAKING NOW. God I’d love to work at the MFA though. CAN YOU IMAGINE? Do I just apply anyway and then be like, just kidding, I want $70K, thanks.)
I’ve also been using they/them pronouns at work with select people. Mostly with my boss and within the Queer ERG channels. And I guess with my grand boss, who guessed it all on her own through a series of slightly hilarious events. I’m not demanding anything, and I still have they/she in my signature because I hate rocking boats and know that I’m femme a lot of the time so I know how people will see me and I don’t want to fight with everyone ever about it and yada yada. Maeve says that’s stupid. She’s probably right, but like. Maybe if I find a new therapist they can help me work through that. I’ve been taking up more space lately, but still not as much as a person probably should.
Like I said, baby steps.
Anyway, my boss saw me list myself as they/them in an ERG meeting this morning and during our one-on-one later she said she was proud of me for all of the hard, scary stuff I’ve been doing lately. (Which she knows about because we talk about work approximately half the time when we talk.) It feels silly to be proud of it all, because most people do this at like, 20, right? All of it. Being able to date, knowing who you are, knowing what kind of job you want. But because she’s a good person she reminded me that when I was 15 and 20 I wasn’t in places where it was safe to make some of these decisions, or even if it was, I didn’t have the support for them. So yeah, I’m proud of it all.
In the last twenty-five years I’ve gone from suicidal to ambivalent to apathetic to super depressed to figuring it out to figuring it out to figuring it out. I’m still figuring it out. But I have an excellent support system. I have people who love me and want to know the whole me. Want me to know the whole me. I have tools to help myself emotionally. I have hope.
I can lament over the lost time, or I can look ahead with a mind to make use of all the time I have left. I maybe got here a little bit after everyone else. I may still be working toward it, but I’m here and I’m working. I’m doing hard, scary things, and that’s what being alive is all about, right?
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kasaneteto · 3 months
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things that have been on my mind recently:
1) i miss the posting format of twitter. well i guess not the posting so much as the following format. the posting aspect is not that different from tumblr i just miss having a private space to ramble, because tumblr is much more anyone-can-see-it. private instagrams arent the same. passworded blogs arent the same either cuz iirc those posts dont show up on your dash so thats more like screaming into a void. fuck you elon musk for taking away my safe space 🖕 it has been nice to talk more with people i wasn’t seeing on twitter tho. so im glad about that at least. its also VERY nice to not have a character limit
2) i use romantic relationships as a crutch in my life which is why theyve all turned out the way they have. or at least part of it. i need to have a relationship that moves slowly but ive never had that. every relationship ive ever had was like, jumping head first into the deep end. there was no build up or anything it was just “i like you” “i like you too” “okay we are dating now” and then i spend all day every day with that person until i get tired of them and the relationship. its fucked up!!!! i don’t want to be like that!!!! i have no idea when ill be ready for a new relationship but when i am i need to be pickier. i need to go for someone who’s exactly my type. because i also need to learn how to be independent and im still learning that. but once im independent enough to start dating again i need to wait for the perfect person to come into my life & then throw everything at them. (had a whole long thing describing my type here that i cut bc i dont want anyone to think im describing them and get weird in my dms. idk i attract desperate weirdos like flies so im being careful leave me alone) and who knows how long it will take to find someone like that! could take forever! anyways ive gone way off the rails here but the point im trying to make is that im perfectly content waiting for the perfect person to come into my life because i need to be focused on myself right now anyways.
3) i do very poorly with guilt & feeling like ive upset someone important to me. especially if the upset feels justified to me. my brain tends to rationalize my behavior for me by thinking things like “thats a weird thing to be upset by” or something when like. that doesn’t matter. maybe this is a normal thing to do but i wish guilt didnt consume me the way it does. even after ive apologized and the person has forgiven me im still so guilt ridden that it makes me depressed. its so weird. i don’t understand it at all. its something i gotta talk to my therapist abt. thats why im writing all of this down anyways is so ill remember what i wanna talk to her abt this week lol
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lunarsilver · 1 year
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Some messages for you. PAC Reading
It was supposed to be called "Short messages for you" but it came out longer than I intended to lol. You know, sometimes I have this urge to use a few things in my divination and this was the case. As always, pick the one you feel most drawn to!
REMEMBER
I’m not a doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist nor a psychologist. Tarot readings will never replace meetings with them.
It’s a general reading, so not everything will resonate.
If you can’t choose between two piles, probably both of them have some messages for you. You can also not identify with any of them and that’s okay too.
Readings can help you make a decision, but they shouldn’t be the main reason of making it.
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1 ~ 2 ~ 3
PILE 1
Charms: let’s go!, it was a good evening, we have nothing to lose, cheers!
Quotes:
I used to think that I was bold
I used to think love was for fun
Now all my stories have been told
Except for one
- You will be okay Sam Haft
Let’s drive around town in my Cadillac
Girls int the front, boys in the back
Loosey as a goosey and we’re looking for some fun
- Woman Kesha
Shufflemancy: Shatter me Lindsey Stirling
Tarot: Ten of Cups (R) – Knave of Pentacles – Knight of Wands (R) – Back of the Deck: Five of Pentacles
Interpretation: Okay, both charms and the second quote talk about having fun, going to parties – try it if you hesitate to do so, and it looks like it works out for you if you already do it! A lot of fun and meeting new people is clear here, and even Knave of Pentacles looks like someone dancing.
On the other hand, the first quote and the tarot, talk about what you need to work on. Are there some conflicts in your relationships? Try to find the common ground, think about what a perfect relationship looks like for you – nothing perfect exists, of course, but it’s something we can strive for. Some of you may isolate themselves. There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, and if the second case is yours, it’s always worth trying. I decided to do shufflemancy now, kinda as an afterthought, and yup, looks like most people who chose this pile want to make some change in their life but are scared to do it. Again – go to this party or this club and see what will happen, just stay safe. The first step is the hardest one. For some of you, I think the first quote speaks about some romantic interest/someone being into you.
PILE 2
Charms: but what if?, lets go!, success!, what do you wish for? you know what’s good, give something from you
Quotes:
Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have that magic technique
When we sway I go weak
- Sway Michael Buble
This room is so suffocating
Walking on ice, but nobody breaks it
Stuck in this one-way conversation
Guess I’ll be here for awhile
- People I Don’t Like UPSAHL
Shufflemancy: Crazy Daniela Andrade
Tarot: The High Priestess – The Magician (R) – Knight of Cups – Back of the Deck: Five of Pentacles
Interpretation: I feel like this pile is about romantic stuff, 3 cards from four are all in pink, red and white, and two have red roses on it, Knight of Cups, the quotes... There was this song playing in another room while I was doing this reading, and words “Nothing compares to you” caught my attention. Kinda looks like a situationship. The quotes suggest there is a person that is infatuated with the second one, that seems to be less interested (“stuck in this one-way conversation”) – or maybe someone talks much more than the second one, OR you both are “walking on ice, but nobody breaks it” even though it’s about time to do it. The High Priestess tells you to listen to your intuition, there are some tricks at hand, some uncertainity and problems with communication. After winning with it, there will be better time, probably romance, you will give or receive a love offer. The charms are pretty optimistic and encourage you to do something you think about. If the third pile also caught your attention, there may be some messages for you.
PILE 3
Charms: give something from you (it fell out while I was mixing the charms in the basket, so treat it as the most important one), everything is possible, now you can go crazy, this is the moment, you interest me, shall we dance?
Quotes:
In youth, you lay awake at night and scheme
Of all the things that you would change
But it was just a dream
- Warriors Imagine Dragons
I’ll make my own future
I won’t leave it to fate
- My name is… Once Monsters
Shufflemacy: Wszystko czego dziś chcę Brodka, A_Gim (okay, this was the first time a non-English song came up during my reading, basically there are two people that barely know each other – one of them imagines already a whole future with the second person while she only wants to go to bed with him)
Tarot: Four of Pentacles (R) – Knave of Swords (R) – The Death (R) – Five of Cups
Interpretation: While I was shuffling the cards with quotes, a thought “get this shit done” came to my mind lol. What you need to do but still didn’t? Both charms and quotes encourage you clearly to do this thing you think about, to seize the day. Just like in the first pile, there is this saying “go, do it finally, have fun”. The last two charms probably talk about some flirt, but the song suggests you and this person will be on different pages. Alternatively, it talks about two different persons. If you feel like the love part is important and you felt drawn to the second reading as well, there can be some messages for you.
The cards show you should stop and rethink some things. What do you want? How to go there? What is your relationship with money? Some change is around the corner but you’re resisting it.
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ttyls · 4 months
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hmmm currently Not Great :-(
my older sister needed to be somewhere but couldn’t bring her car since she’s leaving for a flight later so she wanted me to drop her off and said it would be good practice for me since i’m basically learning how to drive again. my dad is acting as my driving instructor so he went with us. i’ve never driven anywhere at night other than the very quiet streets of my neighborhood and was kinda anxious about it. my vision isn’t horrible but it’s not perfect either. seeing at night is harder and i forgot to bring my glasses and everyone’s headlights were in my eyes. some people on the road were blargh and every time it wasn’t my fault she still yelled like it was. instead of saying “stop” at a normal volume she would scream it too. she said i wasn’t going fast enough so i sped up then she wanted me to make a right so obviously if you do the math i made a very fast turn. she yepled again ofc and by then n i just wanted to go home. i’m new here i can’t see it’s my firsttj time on earth and imm already being brave aboutbit 🥲🥲🥲 when she got off she said “thanks i guess” and left . me and my dad driving back went a little better mayb. i was extra anxious after and cautious and everyone kinda cut me bc i was going slow and my dad was telling me to take a right but i didn’t want the same thing to happen so i just missed the street on purpose and u-turned on the street ahead. we got home blah blah my dad was telling me that right turn was really dangerous but at least he wasn’t mean aboutbit. i thought i was okay until i told my mom my older sister didn’t like my driving and my mom said “she doesn’t like what anyone does. you know she always has to be number 1” and that nothing anyone does is good enough for her . i know that was supposed to be somewhat comforting, that it’s not personal but it made me so sad bc it’s true . she has so many issues and she hates us for it even her own bf has to teach her how to be a person with basic empathy and her ex bf was too nice tp break up withher in a normal way even though she called him stupid to his face all the time. she mentions her therapist sometimes but i think she needs to find a new one or is only talking to her too infrequently. not that she’s home often but i’m glad she’s gonna be gone for 10 days. she’s a weirdo and i was very brave today!!!!!!!!! whatever i’mstill brave for crying in my bathroom for 15 minutes!!! i’m still brave for trying to make it look like i didn’t have a hard cry before dinner !!! am gonna watch comforting movie later 🫂 if you read this don’t worry about me i’m very brave 🥺
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greentrickster · 2 years
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@someoddmix    #whoops! guess we'll need a new piano #FHKDKAHFJFKKSKD OOPS XD #TACKING ON THE SINCERE REQUIREMENT REALLY FUCKED UP VOLO LMAOOOOOOO #CONGRATS VOLO! CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS REQUIRED NOW #VOLO GOT CHECKMATED! IMPOTENT RAGE! XD #Volo absolutely LOSING IT over the AUDACITY AND STUPIDITY OF THIS REQUEST!! #HFJLAKFJJDS I FEEL YOU ARCEUS THIS IS SO FREAKING FUNNY!!! #GOOD JOB CYRUS!!! #hfjdkhf Cyrus has no idea that he just endeared himself to Arceus even more #he doesnt want anything for himself so he ensures Volo will apologize to Arceus' child Giratina? #AND the sincerity bit lines up quite nicely with the intent of Volo's punishment??? #10/10 Cyrus and fellow gym trainers!! you knocked this out of the park! #'free will is definitely the best idea they EVER had!!'
That feeling when you play so hard you play yourself. Because this entire situation is a direct result of Volo’s own actions, up to and including the character/redemption arc Cyrus is currently on! Because if Volo hadn’t been messing around with time and space, Cyrus would still be in Distortion World with all his memories and very little character development, if any. And Cyrus wasn’t even trying to cause him problems, he was just trying to make sure that Giratina didn’t get some weak lip-service apology! XD XD XD
(And yes, Cyrus earned himself some major points with Arceus that day, for both the growth and kindness he displayed and for accidentally being the funniest person in existence for a moment; he even earned a few with Dialga and Palkia for the sheer pwnage he just laid down on Volo. They may still not be thrilled with him, but dang if that wasn’t satisfying!)
Meanwhile Volo is seething, because not only did he just get played by the guy he was nudging to get in trouble himself, it was obviously unintentional. And now he has to live with this, and also with Cynthia laughing herself sick over it when she finds out what Cyrus asked for (Cyrus just moved himself solidly into her good books with this one).
@someoddmix   LMAO #heck yeah check in with your therapist and get some dinner Cyrus! you did good! here's hoping for some peace! #thunder badge hard mode! #aaaawww it felt like coming home?? ;A;
It absolutely did, and Cyrus didn’t expect it to, and he had Many Emotions as a result. Thank Arceus for his cap, cap brims are known for being excellent tools for hiding one’s face while Emotions are occurring. Red provides shoulder pats and pretends he can’t see Cyrus blushing (from both embarrassment and happiness) even with his cap brim pulled down - thus is the bond between hat-wearers. In any case, there’s a reason he’s in such a good space when Cynthia finally shows up to ruin everything. (Sorry, Cynthia, I love you, please don’t destroy me.)
Cyrus’s therapist is just... so stressed whenever he goes to Distortion World, because, “Cyrus, I know it’s easier to ignore sometimes, but you really do need to eat and sleep on a regular schedule to help keep your depression manageable, and especially take your medication regularly.”
Cyrus: Okay, but in Distortion World literally none of that applies?
This does not soothe her, so they’ve compromised that, for now at least, he does a quick check-in whenever he gets back after spending more than a day there, and also that he has a proper meal as soon as he’s able to. His therapist and Blue also both insist he take snacks and water with him whenever he goes.
Cyrus: This really isn’t necessary.
Blue: In the ancient words of my ancestors, ‘Hydrate or die-drate.”
Cyrus: -_-* (takes a water bottle and snacks, but under protest)
And fortunately things do quiet down for awhile after this in Viridian, and the rest of the League season is pretty uneventful (at least, uneventful in regards to the sort of nonsense that just happened. There was that twelve-year-old who came through with a level eighty dugtrio and nothing else on their team. That was... memorable.)
After the season’s over, all the gym trainers tend to take it quiet for a month or so after before starting to focus on what they do off-season until the next year’s hopefuls start showing up again. Cyrus tends to help around Blue’s lab and make deliveries around town - it’s something he started doing while he was recovering, and it just sort of turned into his thing, especially since he has some pokemon that are good for traveling.
This year, as well as his final paycheque for the season, Cyrus also gets an- wait, just a second.
(quick trip to Bulbapedia to check out the details on Blue’s umbreon)
...according to the data I can find, Blue doesn’t ever have an umbreon in any of the games, that’s an anime-exclusive characteristic of Gary Oak. Huh.
...
Anyway! (crumples this up and tosses it in with other bits of canon I don’t care about) Blue’s Umbreon, who is an awesome girl with a quirky nature whom he loves very much and had since he was ten, wasn’t in his rotation for gym battles this year and took the opportunity to have some ‘her’ time and also a couple eggs as a result. And Blue gifts one of the eevees that recently hatched from them to Cyrus as a bit of a bonus for keeping going and managing well in spite of the screwballs life kept throwing him. Also, while they aren’t the strongest fighters, eevees are really easy to train as therapy pokemon, and Blue thinks that Cyrus might find that helpful.
Important question: Has Blue been testing the waters to see if Cyrus would be interested in this sort of thing since Volo and Cynthia left?
Important answer: Yes, yes he has, because Blue’s a good friend, trainer, and pokemon caretaker like that.
Though it’s funny as heck that the eevee he gives Cyrus ends up being umbreon’s first shiny child, but she was the one with the best nature for a therapy animal, so Blue rolled with it. (Besides, if it goes to Cyrus, then he can still track her growth and such to learn more about how shinys grow, develop, and possibly occur in the first place.) A sweet little thing with a gentle nature, she’s the sort that tricks people into thinking, ‘oh, x will be an easy keeper,’ only for that to turn out to generally not be the case. As the first new member of the team in... anyone’s memory, she’s a pretty exciting addition, especially considering that she’s not going to be primarily trained for battle. And for now she’s a li’l level one eevee who’s not old enough for a pokeball yet and needs to be carried around and cuddled a lot, because baby.
Note: crobat is not allowed alone with her, because, while his intentions are good, he will try to incubate her, and he’s 5′11″ and she’s not even her full foot tall yet, she will be an eevee pancake, and no one wants that. (It’s okay, he can still help cuddle the baby, he just needs someone to supervise him getting his wings all folded up and then tucking her into them.) Also, the entire team has had a conference without Cyrus’s input and agreed that, if anyone hurts the baby, death is the only option. Master Cyrus takes care of them, and she’s going to be taught to take care of him, so they’re going to take care of her.
Cyrus is literally the only one surprised when she eventually evolves into a sylveon. ;)
And, for now, he’s got a fluffy little eevee he’s carrying around in his arms or a backpack while he does stuff! (Thanks again to @pyrathepyro for suggesting Cyrus’s therapy pokemon be an sylveon, absolutely inspired!)
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