It was dinnertime in the House of Lamentation. Conversation petered out as everyone focused on the hot food in front of them, leaving a quiet lull interrupted only by clinking silverware.
“I’ve always wanted a traditional church wedding,” you said, entirely unprompted.
The clinking came to a stop as the seven brothers processed what you had just said. They turned their eyes towards you.
Beelzebub was the first to break the silence despite his mouth full of food. “Huh?”
“I just always thought it would be nice. A quaint wedding in a nice little church. Maybe a chapel.”
Leviathan briefly choked on what he was chewing.
“Oh I totally get it!” Asmodeus empathized. “Rows of pews with white flowers, those high arched ceilings, the evening light of the human world sun shining on us through a beautiful stained glass window as we kiss? Oh!” He clutched his shoulders, “it gives me chills just imagining it!”
“Asmo, we can’t enter churches,” Satan stated matter-of-factly. The knife handle gripped in his fist started to bend.
“Hah!? What? Lucifer, is that true?” Mammon slammed his fork down and just about jumped out of his chair as he shouted at the oldest.
“Sit down, Mammon.” Lucifer rubbed his temple and tried to perform damage control before the inevitable headache set in. “What brought this on suddenly?” he asked you.
Keeping a straight face was immensely difficult but you pulled it off. “I was just thinking about weddings and stuff, y’know. It’d be nice. Ever since I was little I thought a church wed-”
Belphegor interjected with “You’re not even that religious.”
A flood of complaints washed over the table as everyone started loudly protesting.
“You… You’re not allowed to get married anywhere without me!” Leviathan shouted.
“Does it have to be a church? What about a restaurant instead?” Beel suggested, looking worried. “I know a lot of pretty ones.”
“We could build a mock church in a studio and get married there,” Asmo fantasized. “The stained glass could be you and me as cherubs, we can ask Luke to be the flower boy. He’d be so cute in a little tux!”
“You wouldn’t even need a ceremony with me,” Belphegor said. “If you really want one, we can have it outdoors under the stars.”
Satan’s knife was bent at a 90-degree angle. “What a stupid thing to say. Libraries are just as quiet and nice as churches. Probably. They sure suit you better than a church.”
“The restaurants also have in-house catering,” Beel continued.
“That ain’t gonna happen!” Mammon bounced his knee, shaking the entire table as he lamented, “I ain’t lettin’ my human get married in some church! We can go anywhere you want! Anywhere else!”
”There’s a church in my game!” Leviathan gasped. He thought an in-game wedding would be just as good as a real one. “I can show you! We can go now! Lets make you a character!”
Lucifer cleared his throat once. Then twice. The third time was a warning that got lost amid all of the whining. “Enough,” he finally growled. The room went silent for him. “You’re not getting married in a church. End of discussion.”
“Oh.” Weird of him to decide that on his own, but you were at your limit. A wide grin had already spread across your face. “Yeah, ok. By the way this roast you made is delicious.”
1K notes
·
View notes
my brother has long entertained the notion of a giant person having a big cat as a pet, but the giant is exactly large enough that the cat is proportionately house cat sized.
earlier today we were discussing this again, and decided to figure how exactly big that would be. Using our own cat (who was on his lap at the moment), our shared knowledge of biology, pop culture, linear measurements, and no actual math, we came up with a rough estimation. So if anyone out there needs to know how big a person would need to be for a tiger to be appropriately kitty sized, it’s Optimus Prime. Hope you find this knowledge helpful
3K notes
·
View notes