So I'm forcing myself to stay awake for as long as I can so I can reset my sleep rhythm and go back to walking in the sunlight instead of being nocturnal.
Help me keep my brain going by sending me asks related to any of the fandoms tagged here or my streaming by sending me writing prompts (either fanfic related to the tagged fandoms or something original).
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In the quiet night, all it holds are my fears
Love that merged with stars and broken hearts
No matter the distance, it seems I’m destined
To never find peace for my heart
For I’m always alone and afraid
After the sun burns off the rainbow
My world becomes quiet again, where my fears rest
He once held my hands through the dark night
Only to haunt my hours during day light
Whisper don’t be afraid but he’s the holder of all my hurt
Always with me and by my side
Protecting me with truths or lies
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My friend staring at the 500 links i sended her over night
(I expect her to watch all of them)
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Ya know when people told me "when you're finally safe enough that you can leave survival mode and start to let go of and process your c-ptsd/trauma things are probably going to get really, really bad before they slowly start to get better" I thought that was reasonable. I did not understand that by "things are going to get bad" they meant "you're going to find yourself in the worst mental state of your entire life, but dw, that means it's working" and tbh I simply wish someone had been more clear.
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For once I want to be a person that isn't so easily replaced. I wanna be someone's favourite person, someone's priority like the way I put them as my priority. I want to be that person that someone is scared to lose.
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9am
it’s nine-am again.
told myself i’d be asleep by now.
swaying solar figures tick rhythmically in the windowsill.
i hadn’t caught up on last night’s rest till nine last night.
the weight of my eyelids more convincing than ever,
i succumbed to the unconscious in my boyfriend’s bed, waking to drive home long after he’d left for work.
in four months i’ll be in a new city with a new routine, a new schedule.
it can’t stay like this.
why do i so insistently fight the heaviness of my eyes to allow them no rest before dawn?
maybe it’s because i like being awake, alone.
neither of those things i feel certain of my feelings on, though.
april hasn’t brought many showers.
or maybe i’ve slept through them all.
i hope there’s more if i just wait.
pattering drops hit the windows as thunder makes the ceramic on my shelves gently clatter.
soon enough i’m numb to any knowing form existence.
this kind of slumber draped with the chilled torrential atmosphere soothe the contusions of my ceaseless awareness.
it’s bright as day now.
the light passes through my windowpanes and i feel it.
it’s nearly may.
but i feel wired still;
both tormented and gifted with so much more time to myself.
maybe this time, a few months from now,
i’ll be a whole different person.
and instead of laying restless,
fighting the exponentially growing ache of coming to life again,
maybe i could sleep early enough to be able to wake at nine-am.
k.t.
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