#situation happened a lot of previous record was kept as 'the first day of the first month' 'the first week of the first decade' 'the first x

[badhabitscollection]

So Much (For) Blitz —An exclusive reveal of the star of Fall Out Boy’s latest album cover

Fall Out Boy’s latest effort So Much (For) Stardust) has been critically acclaimed and lauded by fans as some of their best work to date. The album artwork, prominently featuring a doberman, has left some puzzled and looking for additional context as to the dog’s identity and how the artwork came to be. The Bad Habits Collection is proud to bring you the exclusive reveal of the dog featured on the cover of their eighth studio album alongside the full story of how they were discovered.

— 

When Fall Out Boy officially announced their eighth studio album on January 18th, 2023 and unveiled the album artwork for So Much (For) Stardust, there were a lot of opinions to be had. Some of the fans immediately felt connected and claimed it as their own, some compared it to Fiona Apple’s 2020 release Fetch the Bolt Cutters, and some downright found it revolting. Overall, most agreed that it was polarizing to say the least. Donned in an all black background, the front cover features both the name of the band and the album itself in the work of Omar Mroz (hereinafter referred to by his online moniker Mr.Oz). The text is covered in glitter and written out in the same style featured earlier in the rollout of FOB8’s album cycle with A Claymation Fall Out Boy Celebration, dropped as a surprise present from the band on Christmas one month earlier. The headlining attraction of this sideshow was in fact just a simple square box, containing a swirling artistic depiction of a doberman barking in the presence of a froth of bubbles.

From the moment I first laid eyes on the iconography of Fall Out Boy’s new era, I had just two questions in mind: Who is the dog? & Why choose the dog? A few obvious possibilities were immediately ruled out. Solely based on what’s been posted to social media, this dog did not belong to Pete, Joe, or Andy. Patrick has remained dormant online for years at this point, but still the odds felt slim. I did my best to brush it off, but ultimately I kept coming back to the thought of WHY? If you’re familiar with my previous work on the history of Take This To Your Grave’s album cover, you already know this type of sentiment means a lot to me. After a while of waiting for the band to bring up the topic in an interview or statement, I had essentially given up hope on any type of official explanation. It was at this moment, just 3 days before the release of the record, that I accepted the reality of the situation. This wasn’t a hot topic within the fandom. And no one was going to provide me with the answers I was looking for. If I wanted to know more, it was solely up to me. So… I got to work. — 

To take a step back, the artwork for So Much (For) Stardust first hit the internet on January 11th, seven days before the official reveal. Posted alongside the name of the first single Love From The Other Side, our barking pup friend was featured on the home feed of FILTER | NEWs on VK, a Russian social media site that I’ve been told is comparable to Facebook. The artwork was watermarked with a subtle, transparent white logo for FILTER in the background. Despite this post being up for five days (a millennia on the worldwide web), it wasn’t until the 16th that the fandom at large made this discovery, with many claiming it was an outright fake.

However, the *stars* started to align proving this leak to have a dose or two of authenticity. Mr.Oz’s claymation video from earlier in the rollout followed the story of a similar looking doberman, who just so happened to pose in the final frame in a style strongly resembling the leaked cover. 

Beyond that, a post from lyricist and bassist Pete Wentz’s Instagram dating back just two days earlier was quickly dug up. On the 4th slide of the carousel, there it was: a selfie of Pete with a Santa hat on and propped up on the shelf behind him... the physical painting of the doberman seen on the leaked cover.

All but confirmed at this point, one last clue presented itself online. The freshly created Twitter account “@muchstardust” popped up out of nowhere, making itself known by following myself and a few other notable hardcore fans in this space. @muchstardust made just one single tweet before being suspended (for reasons unknown). 

The post featured three images, the watermarked cover, Pete’s selfie, and notably, a compressed form of the actual photo taken of man’s best friend —the same one the leaked cover features an oil painting rendition of. 

—  As we all know now, this leak was indeed real and confirmed as the album artwork just a few days later by Fall Out Boy themselves. But that’s when the trail went cold. Later promotional photos featuring the band and taken by their long time collaborator Pamela Littky included another doberman, but clearly not the same one once examined a bit closer. On March 21st, the Chicago rock group posted “What do you think the dog’s name is? 🫧”, but never followed up with the answer. It’s as if they were taunting me specifically with how vocal I had been about wanting to solve this mystery. Just before the album’s official release, I was tipped off by someone with an early copy of the CD that the liner notes of So Much (For) Stardust credit Safia Latif for the cover painting and Jen Patterson for the photograph the cover painting was based on. With new pieces of the puzzle in play, my search for the dog in question was reignited. However, my leads proved of little to no help. I could not get in touch with Safia and could not properly identify Jen Patterson online for the life of me. Taking the hunt back to the drawing board, I reverse image searched the photo @muchstardust had originally provided, which even at this point, months later, was our only source of the actual photograph. Littered with results of the album artwork naturally, I did come across one potential connection. Once again, I found myself on the public timeline of someone’s VK.com profile. “dextromethorpan 3” had included the same photograph in a gallery of different doberman puppies posted on December 21st, 2020. This was…something. Sure, this photo likely did not originate from the VK profile I had unearthed, but at least now I knew it had been around the web for a few years. Scratching my head, I wondered how Fall Out Boy had originally come across this image. Was it something that came up on one of their feeds? Or perhaps just a keyword search? Taking it to different forms of social media, I found a potential match on the /r/doberman subreddit posted 10 months ago. Titled “Cool pic of us playing with bubbles”, the dobie in question featured strikingly similar features and color patterns, and was of course, playing with bubbles. 

So I did what any other sane fan would do… and sent a private message to the Redditor the night before the album dropped with Jen’s photograph. “/u/drc55555” responded Saturday morning agreeing that the dog did look a lot like their own, but that they didn’t recognize the photograph. I woke up in a cold sweat seeing the glimpse of the Reddit notification on my iPhone and replied informing them of the cover of Fall Out Boy’s brand new release and asking if the user was the Jen Patterson credited in the album’s booklet. A day later, they replied once again noting that they weren’t Jen, but that this has sparked a memory of another DM they had received in the fall of last year from an Elektra Records personnel, Fueled By Ramen’s distributor who Fall Out Boy had publicly rejoined the roster of just this January. Indeed, 200 days ago from this very conversation, a marketing representative from the label had reached out to the Redditor through the same platform letting them know that an artist they work with had come across the very same photo I myself found and that the artist had fallen in love with it, hoping to use it as part of the artwork for an upcoming project. /u/drc55555 had conceded that they regretted not responding at the thought of how their dog could have become famous. This is when I knew, I was HOT on the trail. Either a member of FOB discovered this photo of their dog while scrolling Reddit or had specifically sought out the same search terms as me, which meant the actual photograph used on the cover could have potentially been found through the very same method. My search accelerated and within a few hours I had run a variety of similar terms by Twitter, TikTok, Facebook, really any social media site I could get my hands on. Nothing had come up, but I hadn’t called it a day quite yet as one of the more obvious sites remained: Instagram. Heading to the explore page I have barely used in my own time on the platform, I typed in the same keywords that brought me to the pup’s uncanny match on Reddit: “doberman bubbles”. And there it was, exactly 60 rows down, right in the center, the original image of the dog I had been looking for all along along with an alternate photo of the same dog in the next slide in the same setting captioned “BUBBLES!!!!!”, posted —you guessed it, in 2020. 

—  With this case officially closed, I’m beyond stoked to introduce Blitz the Doberman to other fans of Fall Out Boy. At the time of publication, Blitz has 12.8k followers on his public Instagram account, which lead me to question how this match hadn’t already been made. Blitz’s bio reveals he was born on February 27th, 2019 and lives in Las Vegas with his human, one Jen Patterson.

In a beautiful twist of fate, within the hour of finishing the final draft of this piece, Blitz’s humans responded to my inquiry from earlier in the week. I spoke with Jen at length who was happy to share her story exclusively with The Bad Habits Collection. Similarly to the Redditor from earlier, a marketing rep from Elektra Records had reached out to her through Instagram on September 20th, 2022 inquiring about using a picture of her pup for one of their artists’ work, a message she initially regarded as spam. Eventually, she came to an agreement with Elektra, however, this story ended there for her. Up until Jen read the direct message I sent to Blitz’s account, she had not the slightest idea that he was featured on the cover of the new album of one of the biggest modern rock bands left in the world. I was shocked to hear this, but Jen on the other hand was incredibly excited to learn of the breaking news. I shared a photo with her of her name printed in the liner notes of So Much (For) Stardust, a cool moment for us both. Jen told me “I never considered myself a photographer, but that’s amazing!” When I asked about how Blitz already had such a huge following on Instagram, she told me all about how she’s networked with others in a doberman group and has kept a steady stream of posts coming on the daily. In discussion of what she’d like for others to take away from this article, Jen simply hoped others would get to know Blitz’s name —my entire goal of this investigation all along. Half-joking, she expressed that she’d also love to have gotten her hands on some merchandise with his face on it. Infinitely grateful for her responding to my DM and taking the time to talk with me, I’ve personally sent Jen physical copies of So Much (For) Stardust in both vinyl and CD format. I’ll be sure to update this write-up with a photo of FOB’s newest mascot posing with his album cover when they arrive! Closing out our conversation, Jen let me know that she “felt like if you hadn’t reached out, we would not have known.” To be honest, there were times in this journey that I thought it might be for the best if I gave up the search for this pup as to not invade anyone’s privacy. I figured if Blitz hadn’t already made himself known publicly, maybe there was a specific reason behind not doing so. I would have never guessed that reason was because his family were simply unaware of his new-found fame. I feel honored to have been the one to share this discovery with Blitz’s owners and again want to thank them for their contributions to this piece. Jen has also graciously shared the original photograph of Blitz the cover was based on in its full resolution, uncropped:

— 

After scouring the internet to to uncover this story, it all leads me to just one final question: Why Blitz? What’s the connection? Moreover, what’s the intended meaning here? Jen let me know that she herself was unaware of how and why the photograph was found and selected, but we can naturally draw our own conclusions. Discussing this topic with other longtime fans of the band, all have come to the same conclusion that Fall Out Boy’s latest effort features some of Pete’s bleakest lyrics in a long time paired somehow ever so perfectly with some of Patrick’s most uplifting and dance-worthy melodies to date. As my partner pointed out, the album artwork depicts a breed known for their usage as guard dogs with a tough exterior, but shown playing lightheartedly with what’s usually associated as a child’s toy. In the words of fellow Fall Out Boy historian and Bad Habits Collection collaborator Tommy McPhail, the cover displays “the epitome of boundless joy and simplified bliss amongst chaos”, a phrase that perfectly sums up the entire feeling artistically and masterfully expressed in So Much (For) Stardust in my own eyes. Fall Out Boy’s newest full-length studio record So Much (For) Stardust, produced by the legendary Neal Avron, is one of their strongest statement pieces in years and is now available everywhere music is streamed or sold. You can follow Blitz’s adventures on Instagram: @blitzdoberman —  “The kind of pain you feel to get good in the end. Inscribed like stone and faded by the rain: ‘Give up what you love before it does you in.’” Written by Alex Toor for The Bad Habits Collection

#Fall Out Boy #FOB #FOB8 #So Much (For) Stardust #So Much For Stardust #SMFS #2023 #Pete Wentz #Patrick Stump #Joe Trohman #Andy Hurley #Blitz #Blitz Doberman #Blitz The Doberman #Doberman #Fueled By Ramen #Alex Toor #Live On Toor #LiveOnToor

[twojackals]

The End

This is a long one, but here's the takeaway: 1) Kemetic Orthodoxy / House of Netjer is no longer a safe place for anyone to 'be human' apparently (so if you want to be Kemetic and not be human, by all means, have at it), and 2) I am no longer a member of the House of Netjer Kemetic Temple or the Kemetic Orthodox religion in any capacity (including Remetj). I have formally resigned, and am better for it.

The issue

So let's talk about being religious or spiritual, but also being human. Because apparently, those two things can't exist in the same space, at least if you're a member of the House of Netjer.

Personal Support... or lack-thereof.

We used to have a space, up until a few days ago, in the HoN spiritual organization called "Personal Support". It was a place where people could discuss their personal feelings, trials, tribulations, and seek support from fellow members. Basically, it was a place to be human, in the presence of your fellow Kemetic Orthodox followers.

A couple of days ago, the administration decided to pulled the Personal Support channel (and also a political-esque channel called current affairs) because people's feelings cause too much trouble. Well ok, that's not entirely true. The real reason is "because HoN members can't act like fucking adults and just scroll past things they don't like", but let's put that aside for now.

I can tell you from experience, the pulling of that channel was on people's minds for years, and it tended to be less about what people posted, and more about the fact that people couldn't fathom just letting people talk and express without reporting content perpetually that they simply didn't like. It's a moderation burden, I definitely don't disagree with that, but not because of the content (at least not by-and-large, I would not blame the content to a degree of at least 90 - 95%).

At the time I was still a moderator, I was dead-set against removing that channel and the current events channel, as I believe spiritual spaces are human spaces first and foremost, and humans have emotions, and humans need and want to express those emotions among people they trust. Spiritual spaces should be one of those trusted environments. But there are still a lot of people (particularly old-guard) who want the space to be "strictly spiritual" with very little actual humanity in it unless it is related directly to Netjer.

That bugs me. A lot.

[Side note: They consider the "prayer requests" area to be a suitable replacement. Ah yes, a blessed tots-and-pears to you as well.]

What the hell happened (and why it's at least partially the community's fault)

One of the biggest reasons this was done in my opinion is because the moderation team is too constrained in what it is socially permitted to do by the community. This has been an ongoing problem for a very long time: the moderation team is unable to properly act because they are perpetually burned at the stake by the community, and no one does anything about that. Bullies run rampant as I've discussed in numerous previous posts. Essentially the moderators aren't given enough leeway to truly moderate, and that restriction actually doesn't come from the top -- the Board and even Tamara Siuda has always been supportive of the moderators doing what needs to be done, but the community is intolerant, and therein lies the real problem.

For example, part of problematic content in a place like "Personal Support" is violence in content, or illegal activity in content. The response to such posts should be swift: the first moderator to see it, should record and delete it. Logs are also automatically kept that cannot be deleted or modified by moderators anyway, so there is always a record of what really happened. In any other large spiritual or religious community, this is how moderation works: you act, and ask questions / flesh out the situation later. Protection of the community is paramount, and this also helps to control bullies who like to use things to their advantage to attack organization spaces and people. They start to learn that they aren't more powerful than the administration, which sadly wasn't true in the House of Netjer, and still seems to be the case.

But that's not how our moderation works. In our moderation system, the moderators are so petrified, so frozen, by the potential response by the community, they have absolutely no teeth. They will leave content sit will they discuss it for a week (exaggeration to make a point) and then, maybe, it will get removed. By that point, the damage is already done. What's worse is that if they do remove content, the community can go into an uproar, and the moderators are basically forced by a combination of the community being out of control, and direction from the higher-ups (*coughs*Tamara) to not keep curtailing conversations as it makes things worse (well it wouldn't if we had have set our boundaries and stuck to them to begin with, but whatever), to let that go on without intervention.

What I'm describing here is a community that has no idea how to accept being told "No", and what ends up happening, is that good things are taken away, to make moderation "easier" and to save face (something the House has always prioritized above all else). They want the place to not need moderation, so their solution is to remove the "human" spaces they think is causing all the uproar, where they perceive people could perpetually get themselves into trouble.

This is not the way.

Community Insults: allowed to stand in plain sight

This whole situation was then exasperated by a member calling out the personal support content as "adolescent angst" and calling people talking about abuse by friends/family "adolescent hyperbole", before finally stating that "mature adults" can't tolerate this stuff. Well last I checked, "mature adults" can keep on scrolling if they don't like the content, and moderators can reinforce that community standard by reminding people they don't have to report every iota of a thing they don't like, they can simply move the fuck on. I'm not saying some of the content wasn't angst or hyperbole, but I can say it is incredibly offensive to have a member say that in front of other members who are literally struggling with mental health on a daily basis, and really needed that channel to find support from their fellow members.

This exchange caused no fewer than two members to leave in short order, and honestly it is hard to blame them. Meanwhile, other honest, truthful feelings posted about the situation were removed.

The Johnson Amendment

This was all coupled by a lot of misinformation on the Johnson Amendment, and the reason for removing the current-world-affairs space as well as curtailing certain topics and feelings people can express via that means. So let's talk about the Johnson Amendment, what it is, and what it isn't.

What is it, what is prohibited:

The Johnson Amendment is a tax law. It explains that tax-exempt organizations cannot participate in, or intervene in favor of or against, any political campaign or political candidate. This means, for exmaple, tax-exempt organizations cannot collect political contributions on behalf of a person or campaign, or make statements to support candidates from any official organizational office (eg: from the pulpit for example).

The Johnson Amendment targets the organization and its official offices and officers, not general membership.

What is NOT prohibited:

General membership discussing politics, even in official spaces such as Churches

Voter registration drives

Voter educational activities

Preaching and teaching on social and political issues of concern

Publishing material that outlines political issues for voters

Political forums that do not explicitly endorse candidates or groups

How many organizations have gotten in trouble under this law?

Since it's implementation in 1954, one single organization ahead of the 1992 election was dinged. It was due to them taking out advertisements in newspapers calling on Christians not to vote a certain way (a clear violation of the amendment). In otherwords, your violation of the Johnson Amendment has to be pretty on-the-nose to get in trouble.

Where the problem lies for HoN:

HoN needs to get over itself. They are not about to become the second case in history to fall to the Johnson Amendment, particularly based on the content we used to have (which was not a violation ever of the Johnson Amendment). But the House has enemies. I'm not talking about critics (which are natural and necessary), I'm talking about people who actually want to direct harm toward the organization, its officials, and its membership. And there is that anxiety that is born of potentially a bunch of people getting together to report molehills, and eventually turning it into a mountain.

So I get it, I really do: No one wants to live in or inflict that anxiety. But there has to be a balance. Spiritual organizations serve people as a whole, not just "parts" of people. So as the House 'takes things away', I'd love to know more about what the House will be doing to give some balance to that situation.

Decisions like this do feel a lot like taking away the humanity of Kemetic Orthodoxy. We had one space where people felt free enough to just 'be an emotional human', and it was taken away. That does hurt on some level, it hurt people enough to leave, and I think taking it away rather than reformulating the idea of the space was probably not the right call.

Religious groups. have. social. spaces. online. You can go to huge religious forums and see things like spaces for different life stages, age groups, hobbies and interests, history, physical health, mental health, ethics, morality, news and current events, the list goes on. The fact that we can't figure out how to do that, with a fraction of the membership of other organizations, is concerning. We can't seem to figure out how to serve the community without restricting heavily the same community we serve.

I kind of hate that.

Final Thoughts

The House of Netjer no longer has any idea what it means to be human in my book. In previous opinions, I've often stated I felt the House of Netjer was still a safe space for people of the Kemetic persuasion to be, and I would even continue to recommend it to others.

That opinion has changed.

The House of Netjer is not a place you want to be if you want to be a Kemetic Polytheist, and definitely not if you want to be human while doing it. The House of Netjer is ableist at the very least and is in the habit of protecting bullies and liars. They've also shown to be American-centric, racist, and classist over the years as well, things which I wish I would have paid attention to a long, long time ago. My feelings right now is that everyone who has ever donated a dollar to this organization has been duped by Tamara Siuda into paying for her living expenses, and not much else.

If you're wondering why I'm saying this while still being a part of Kemetic Orthodox membership: don't worry -- I'm not. I've formally resigned from the ableist organization called "House of Netjer" who has been traumatizing people, or allowing them to be traumatized, for 20+ years.

I do wish a lot of people the best within the organization, and I wish them all the luck in the world for reorganization. They are having voting soon to put at least I think two fresh faces on the organization's board, so if you are still in the House of Netjer and still holding out fucking hope it's going to be anything other than a shit-show: choose and vote wisely. Some people are listening to you more than others.

#kemetic orthodoxy #house of netjer #netjer #kemet #kemetic #kemeticism #polytheism #paganism #rant #feelings #humanity #support

[decks-writing-blog]

Whatever the Fuck Benrey Is: Chapter Eighteen: Terrible Person

Chapter One

Previous Chapter

~

Gordon was a terrible person. His plan to gently convince everyone to not do this trip because he didn’t want to go back died upon Benrey suggesting he might walk. If he did that Gordon’s chances of seeing any part of his records were much lower. He wanted to see them so bad, he was willing to make a trip back to the the place he’d had the worst experience of his life in just for the chance to. But then Benrey, normally the least anxious person Gordon had ever known, had been openly anxious and admitted to being so over his safety. How and when had he grown to care about Gordon that much?

Normally that revelation would’ve been heart-warming but not when Gordon had been actively planning on being nosy. He could tell himself all he wanted that he was only going to peek or to skim but… he’d wanted to read and watch all of whatever there was on file for Benrey. And even now, after that delusion had been knocked from him by realizing the enormity of the betrayal, he still kind of wanted to do it. If given the chance, he might not be able to resist the temptation.

And now he had to sit in the middle backseat and try to pretend like he’d agreed to this trip solely to help out his pal Benrey. That was part of it of course; walking would’ve taken a long time and not been fun, Gordon didn’t want him to go through that if he didn’t have to. But he could’ve declined going and let the others take Benrey. Of course then he’d have also been left home alone for way longer than he was comfortable committing to yet. But he was only realizing that now. He was going because he wanted a chance to peek at Benrey’s records.

Just like he had when coming across Dr. Coomer’s clone’s records or would if he ever happened upon Bubby’s. With Benrey he felt worse about it though. Not that he didn’t feel bad about the others, they were his friends but Benrey was… also his friend of course. ‘Special’ was maybe the best way to put it. He was particularly special to Gordon due to how much he depended on him for comfort and company. Gordon’s newfound pathetic neediness made him cling to Benrey. And yet, despite that, he’d been planning on betraying his trust and privacy and if given a chance, would still be tempted to because he just wanted to know more so bad. That drive was the same one that had brought him to Black Mesa in the first place, before he’d become somewhat disillusioned by the mundanitiesof living in a research facility and always working under other people, never doing his own things. It had come back stronger though, perhaps as a desperate distraction from worse thoughts.

As fucked up as the situation was, he hadn’t even had much trouble falling asleep last night. Benrey was just that soothing and comforting. Which only made Gordon wanting to snoop on his private stuff worse. … Hopefully he wouldn’t get a chance to.

Taking a deep breath to try to banish such thoughts, he shifted, leaning his shoulder a bit more into Benrey’s so he could better see the Game Boy in his hands. The angle wasn’t great, making it hard to see, but Benrey moved it a little, tilting it towards him. He was playing Pokemon Sapphire, just booting it up for some reason.

“I’m shiny hunting so, uh… probably not fun to watch,” he said but kept holding it where Gordon could see anyway.

“Why? Aren’t shinies like super rare?” Gordon liked Pokemon well enough but going to so much trouble just seemed a waste of time.

“I want a shiny Kyogre to go with my shiny Groudon.”

“Wow, okay. You shiny hunt for that one too or just get super lucky?”

“Uh… I got sorta lucky. That one only took a few days. I’ve been trying for this one for like a week now. You sleep a lot though so I got a lot of time to play. I’m gonna get all the legendaries as shinies.”

Gosh, Gordon needing him to sleep and recover from bad dreams really took a lot of his time, huh? What had he ever done to deserve that? Yeah, Benrey enjoyed the cuddling too but… even on the nights when he got tired of it and extracted himself, he stuck around the room all night anyway just in case Gordon needed him again. Why didn’t he leave and let Gordon deal with his own problems occasionally? If they weren’t in the backseat of a car with the rest of the Science Team, Gordon would’ve been tempted to ask because he didn’t deserve that.

As it was though, he settled in to watch Benrey shiny hunt. Which was quickly growing boring, indeed. Naturally he’d saved right in front Kyogre, allowing him to start the encounter and then immediately turn the Game Boy off and back on as soon as it showed up as not shiny. Over and over and over again. They’d already been in the car for more than a hour now too and if he’d changed games in that time, Gordon hadn’t noticed.

“Do you… enjoy this?” If this was what he did when Gordon slept, it was time to get him some more Game Boy Advanced games or tell him to just let Gordon suffer while he fucked off elsewhere.

“Eh, it’s kinda boring, not too bad though. I get cool stuff out of it so it’s worth it. Gonna have an all shiny team of legendaries eventually, it’ll be cool. Maybe I’ll take it to a tournament. I’ve heard that those are like a thing. I could uh… go to one now, right?” He turned his head to look at Gordon for a second before turning it back to the game

“Sure, if there are ever any nearby, I’ll drive you.” If he wanted to go to a competitive Pokemon thing, he’d more than earned a ride to one for all the shit he put up with for Gordon’s sake.

“Awesome. But uh… want me to switch to something more fun to watch?”

Yes but… “Only if you want to.”

“Hmm… I’ve been learning the speedrun for Minish Cap so I’ll show you that. It’s pretty cool.”

“All right, sure.” And so instead of confronting the part of him that was a terrible person for wanting to betray Benrey’s trust and privacy, Gordon would continue to distract himself by watching him play video games instead. Damn, he really needed to sort his shit out. … Later though, he’d do it later.

~

The Black Mesa living area was much the same as it had been before but now it was shrouded in darkness. The generators had reportedly breathed their last a week and a half ago. All of Black Mesa’s fancy high-tech solar panels – special made to be particularly efficient – had of course all been atop the outside parts of the facility and thus subject to the army’s bombings. The elevator only still functioned because of the mini-generator one of the prior salvage teams had brought out to hook up to it.

“I hate this,” Gordon said as he shined his flashlight around the space. The opening room had never felt like much before but the darkness changed that. Five flashlights helped but where their beams didn’t reach, almost anything could be hiding.

“It’s dark.” Benrey was also shining his flashlight around, seemingly randomly, not looking towards where he was pointing it. Weird but it was Benrey so actually pretty normal.

“Be careful Gordon,” Dr. Coomer said as he stepped into Gordon’s line of sight, “sometimes things hide in the darkness. Try not to let your flashlight run out of power.” He then turned and started walking further in. “No time to waste being afraid though. It’s time to start a new adventure.”

“Wait, what? What kind of things? Dangerous things?”

“Things, Gordon, things,” Bubby answered as if that answered the question as he followed.

“I don’t think we wanna know,” Tommy added, also following.

Before Gordon could insist on an answer, Benrey stepped up to him, lightly bumping him with his shoulder. “Middle of the group.” He spoke low so only Gordon could hear.

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Gordon got moving, pulling the salvage cart behind him. Its handle was just big enough for his gun hand to fit through, meaning him taking charge of it meant no one else had to sacrifice a free hand for it. “You know what kind of things Dr. Coomer was talking about though? Like… an experiment gone wrong, resulting in things that hide in the dark or something.” That was stupid, right? It was just Dr. Coomer being weird again, giving tips that sounded oddly like video game tutorials. There were no things in the dark and the batteries – more Black Mesa tech – were supposed to be able to stay on for a full week before burning out and they had a box of spares just in case.

“No clue.”

“Great, awesome. It’s fine though, we’re fine, everything’s fine.”

“You don’t sound too sure of that,” Bubby said, glancing back with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m trying to convince myself, okay? Because Dr. Coomer just had to say something straight out of a damn horror game when we’re in a dark underground facility that’s almost certainly still got dead stuff in it.” They were to burn anything dead they came across, especially if it was alien. Not that it’d be easy to tell at this point. Hopefully they wouldn’t come across anything.

“If there are things, I’ll uh… kill them.” A glance back revealed that Benrey had taken up the rear, just behind the salvage wagon. He walked backwards, shining his light around behind them. Odd but at least nothing would sneak up on them. “Or try to ‘cause… don’t got a gun so it’d be kinda hard to kill anything that shows up.”

“You don’t need a gun to be dangerous… do you?” Now that Gordon thought about it though, all the violence he’d committed before Xen had been with a gun. Heck, even on Xen he’d mostly been attacking with a gun, hadn’t he? The one that shot balls of energy that were seemingly hard to aim based off how often he’d missed. His skeletons hadn’t been armed but their cocooning hadn’t done damage or even hurt, just held people in place for a brief time.

“Uh… I could make claws, I guess. Hard to hold things with claws though. I do got sharp teeth so I can bite things real good.” Damn, unarmed, he was only slightly more dangerous than the average person. Maybe a bit more than slightly given that something that couldn’t be hurt or blocked by solid objects could easily win a fight solely through attrition, but still not exactly an offensive powerhouse.

So offense wasn’t his strong suit, defense though, he could probably do well if he tried. So between him and Dr. Coomer who was dangerous without a gun, Gordon would probably be fine even if things did show up out of the darkness. Didn’t mean this would be a fun trip but he’d known that going in. … Even if his reason for going in wasn’t good. But now that he was here and already not happy about it, making it worth it would be nice.

Benrey hadn’t explicitly said he didn’t want Gordon or anyone else looking at his records. So probably peeking, if he got a chance, wouldn’t hurt too much. How he was going to do that, was still up in the air as there was no way he could get away with doing it openly. One thing at a time though, once they got there, he’d start looking for opportunities.

~

If the others were at all unnerved by the darkness, they made no indication of it. Like their first trip through the facility together, their group was various degrees of spread out as Dr. Coomer and Bubby seemed to want go faster than the rest of them were. Resulting in ‘the middle of the group’ being a somewhat nebulous position. Benrey stayed at the back though, seemingly keeping watch for anything that might try to sneak up on them.

They all chatted idly as they went along, the conversation much looser now that they all knew each other better and weren’t in a tense situation. Gordon participated in that chatter at first but… the longer they walked, the more the weight of the facility seemed to press down on him. They all had backpacks with supplies and sleeping bags and it was dark so almost everything about this hike was different from their first journey so it shouldn’t be much of an issue but well… it was still the same facility. The look of the halls they traveled was much the same and the way their voices echoed, though not interspersed with the same kinds sounds as before was otherwise the same.

Not thinking about said first journey was always a good idea, but here it was a bit harder to. Even desperately trying to cling to the others’ conversation didn’t help as much as it normally would’ve. They’d all chatted as they walked during that journey, including when they’d lead him to the ambush when he’d lost his hand. … When they’d all left him to die.

Or maybe not left him but they certainly hadn’t fought for him or cared he’d lost a hand. Why would they have though? He was weak, fragile, and easy to kill while they were all various kinds of not that. Even Tommy, seemingly the most normal one among them, his father was that time stopping guy, meaning he probably also had powers too and likely wasn’t human. It’d be cool to know more but also… it was a reason for him to have not particularly cared when Gordon got hurt. And reason to potentially not be too terribly bothered by his safety now.

Had that changed with any of them? For Benrey it had, he’d confessed to it. The rest of them though… who could say?

What if they were leading him into another ambush for his other hand to be cut off? … For what purpose? … What purpose had the first one been for?

Outside their chatter, it was awfully quiet. No power meant no air conditioning, humming lights, or distant sounds of machines. Gordon strained his ears, trying to detect anything. Military boots, the crackle of a Xen portal opening to drop an alien on them, the shuffling and moaning of a headcrab zombie, anything that said they weren’t alone done here. Something had to be just around the corner or just out of their flashlight’s radius. Because there was always something around the corner, the darkness would only make it harder to see before it jumped them.

Surely an ambush was inevitable. Maybe not for just Gordon this time but all of them. If so, they wouldn’t bother to help him. Why would they? Someone as weak and pathetic as him wasn’t worth the effort. … He should’ve found a way to power the HEV suit and bring it after all. They had lots of stuff at the temporary lab, some of it undoubtedly HEV suit related.

So even after getting out of this hellhole he’d returned and thus still might die down here. Entirely his own fault this time too, he’d chosen this for stupid evil reasons and hadn’t brought the one thing that might’ve kept him alive. No wonder Benrey was anxious for him, he was an idiot who was basically doomed to die because of his own dumb decisions.

They were going to cut his other hand off and dump him somewhere to bleed out because he didn’t have the HEV suit’s medical systems to help him survive it. But hey, without the HEV suit, there wouldn’t be the awkward fumbling to get the gauntlet off while he was held down and sat on, making it hard to breath while he screamed and struggled while the people he thought were his friends watched. The saw would still hurt though; searing pain before it bit into bone, catching and scraping and grinding.

His arm hurt. The rest of him was numb. He wanted to scream. He couldn’t… not out loud. Only in his head. They were going to cut off his hand. He was going to die down here. It hurt. He still couldn’t scream.

***

Gordon had stopped participating in any of the conversation. When he’d stopped was hard to say for sure. Too focused on petting down his own anxieties, Benrey hadn’t been paying much attention. But now that it was becoming more and more clear that there weren’t any aliens left ready to jump out and kill the only member of their party who could die so easily, Gordon’s silence was glaring. He should’ve been just as chatty as the others.

Benrey sidestepped around the cart and sped up – turning around too as being right behind the cart was what had allowed him to know he wasn’t going run into anything while walking backwards – until was right next to Gordon. “Yo.”

No response. Gordon kept staring ahead, his gaze blank, flashlight pointed at the ground in front of him, seemingly following the others purely mechanically.

“You okay?”

If Gordon heard him, he gave no indication of it. So Benrey poked him in the shoulder. That finally got his attention as he gasped, turning to look at Benrey. “Huh?”

“You okay?” Benrey repeated, still speaking low but a bit louder this time.

“Uh… um… again? I’m… my ears are ringing.”

“You okay?” Though really the question was moot now, the answer was obvious. “You’re acting weird. What’s up?”

Gordon was a silent for several long seconds, his eyes darting around, never seeming to rest on anything. “Just uh… freaking out a little.” He was awfully quiet for someone ‘freaking out’. Nightmares not counting, last time he’d properly freaked out had been the bucket when he’d yelped before shooting it full of holes. Did him doing so whilst calmly walking through a hall mean it was somehow particularly bad or not a big deal? “I wanna scream.” Despite that, his voice was quiet, barely above a whisper.

“Then scream.” Like he was supposed to and would be normal.

“Can’t. … If I die or uh… something comes out and saws off my other hand, you can do an ‘I told you so’. Just… try not rub it in too much, please.”

So then was this Benrey’s fault? He’d put bad thoughts in Gordon’s head, causing this? Though, this was the place that all the bad things that had happened to Gordon that caused his nightmares had occurred so… maybe not entirely Benrey’s fault. Either way didn’t matter. He took a deep breath and sang out a string of blue sweet voice; the most useful colour apparently.

Gordon stumbled to a halt as it hit him, breathing it in. Benrey stopped too, stepping in front of him to continue his tone.

Tommy, Coomer, and Bubby naturally heard and came back to investigate. Benrey’s tone was pitched to be just loud enough to make conversation next to impossible. Louder than he’d intended but he didn’t care.

Gordon coming on this trip had been a mistake. Such should’ve been obvious but he’d been seemingly not hesitant to go. He was dumb. They all way. Benrey should’ve insisted on going alone. … Or just with the others who weren’t as traumatized by everything because they’d never been in any real danger. They should’ve left Gordon behind with Sunkist and Darnold or maybe one of the others.

Finally Benrey let his tone end. Silence settled on them, heavier than before.

Gordon took a step back, giving his head a little shake. “Uh… thanks. I feel… better, not good but better. Also a bit loud but… I’m sure it’s fine.”

“You shouldn’t have come. Why did you?”

He flinched almost as if the question had hurt. “Just… because. It’s something to do and… wanted to help you out and everyone else is going. I thought maybe it’d be fine.”

Benrey hadn’t even considered this aspect of it not being fine. In his defense, human psychology was a mystery to him. He did know that it had been traumatic for Gordon and sort of what that meant though so he should’ve at least considered it might not be just a casual walk for him.

He stepped back to address the group as a whole. “You guys should go back. I’ll continue by myself to get my stuff and other stuff for the wagon so it looks like you did your job stuff and then uh… meet back up with you outside.” The main benefit of them coming with him after all was the journey down here since he didn’t know how to drive and no one had been willing to lend him a car to figure it out on the way. He could do the trip through the facility by himself without too much trouble.

“We’ve already been walking for hours though,” Bubby complained. “I ain’t turning back.”

“Perhaps just me and Gordon could turn back then,” Coomer said. “Tommy if he wants to as well. Would you like that Gordon? I could use my big strong arms to carry you out of this horrible place. Just this once I won’t even charge you a Play Cointm. When we’re back on the surface I’m sure we could find a way to keep ourselves entertained until our friends rejoin us.”

“Um… thanks for the offer but… I’m okay now. I think uh… think this might be good for me, actually. Kinda like exposure therapy, right?”

Tommy stepped forward. “But Mr. Freeman, isn’t exposure therapy normally done with professionals? People who have uh… trained to know how to do it and how far to push it and… and how to do it in a way that’s safest. Doing it by yourself without guidance might not be particularly helpful. I’m not an expert or anything of course but I did read about it on Wikipedia.”

“Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit,” Coomer added.

“Yes, we know, thanks, Dr. Coomer,” Gordon said. “But uh… I’m fine now, really. I can keep going.” He looked away as he said it though. A sign that it was a lie or unrelated? “I want to keep going. Just uh… do you guys think we could walk a bit closer together?” He gave Benrey an intense look, perhaps indicating he wanted him in particular to stay close. It was hard to tell for sure though just like it was hard to tell if him continuing was really wise or not no matter what he said about being fine now. “I know I’m the weakest guy here but I can take this. I was just out of it a bit and then Benrey snapped me out of… or I guess back into it so it’s all good now. I just gotta stay focused.”

“Are you sure, Gordon?” Coomer took a step towards him. “Don’t push yourself to try to keep up with us because that’s never going to happen no matter how hard you try. You’ll just push yourself to death.”

Gordon grimaced and took a step back, flinching as the back of his legs bumped the cart, his gun hand still firmly wedge in its handle. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. There’s nothing here anymore.”

Coomer stared at him for a couple seconds longer before turning and continuing down the hall. “Very well then! Onwards and upwards!”

Bubby went along with him without hesitation, leaving the rest of them to catch up. Benrey still wasn’t sure but… he fell in step with Gordon. Maybe he had overreacted to Gordon’s quiet freak out. He was new to this whole worrying thing in general, especially over someone else. It sucked. His fault for adopting such a fragile pet. But… would he stop caring so much if he could chose to do so? … No. Most of the time Gordon made him happy; even just Gordon being happy made him happy. It was fun and nice even if it did suck sometimes.

Maybe Benrey should hold his hand as they walked. Touching always seemed to comfort him and whenever he tried to comfort Benrey, it was often with touch, so… but no, he had only hand and it was holding the flashlight. His gun hand was occupied with the wagon. Damn. Bubby probably would’ve made a comment about it anyway though. Benrey would just have to stick close then even if that meant abandoning his backwards vigil. He could perhaps make an eye on the back of his neck but… he’d done that before and it was dizzying. So he’d just turn and check occasionally instead. Probably nothing was back there anyway though so it’d be fine… hopefully.

~

It was Tommy who called camp time with, “I know normally Mr. Freeman is the one who calls when its time for bed on these adventures but uh… I don’t think he’s going to do that and it’s pretty late. So maybe we should start looking for a place to stop for the night soon.”

“Nah, we can keep going,” Gordon said even though for the past couple hours his walking pace had been slowing more and more, reducing everyone’s else speed as well. As the weakest member of their group they were bound by his limitations. Especially since they were, as he’d requested, all sticking closer to him.

Before Benrey could point that out, Coomer sat down on the floor, forcing the rest of them to halt too even though they were in the middle of a hallway. “I feel like taking a break is a good idea.”

Bubby sat next to him. “This has been a lot less fun than I thought it was gonna be so yeah, a nap break sounds good.”

Gordon groaned. “Can we at least stop in a room with like… only one exit or something. So we can like… guard it easier, you know? Nothing’s gonna come for us or anything, I know that, everything’s gone… hopefully but… you know.”

“Uh… I don’t think we do know, Mr. Freeman. But finding a room shouldn’t be hard, there are lots of rooms around here. I used to work near here actually back when I first started before I changed departments. We could uh… go find my old office maybe. It’s a bit of a detour but… that’s okay because it’s not a long one.”

“Yeah, okay. Everyone, let’s go to Tommy’s old office. Lead the way.” Gordon gestured him forward. Bubby groaned and mumbled something under his breath but stood with Coomer to continue anyway.

‘Not a long detour’ turned out to be about a ten minute walk. Tommy’s old office was small and a bit cluttered with overturned desks. Coomer took care of those with ease, shoving them out into the hallway, leaving them with a little room that, as Gordon had requested, had only one exit.

Benrey put his flashlight in with the others at the center of the camp, all on and pointed up, to take the place of a campfire presumably, before sitting himself against the closed door. If anything wanted to come in, it’d have to go through him. This precaution was enough to ease his own lingering anxieties over Gordon’s safety. Probably nothing dangerous was out there but they were somewhat deep into the facility now so if there was anything around that might want to eat them, it wasn’t easily getting in here.

Just sitting against the door being enough, he pulled the Game Boy. He looked up from it again a short time later though as the four of them turned off all but one of the flashlights and exchanged ‘good night’s. They hadn’t discussed what they were going to do about Gordon’s usual sleeping arrangements but he’d got into his sleeping bag on his own so… maybe he was okay?

Since his quiet freak out earlier, he seemed to be back to normal if a bit on edge. Everyone sticking close to him seemed have helped a lot. He’d had to be purposefully nudged and brought back into the conversation a few times, especially as time went on. But that might’ve just been because he was tired. So maybe he really would be okay to sleep on his own. … Probably not though.

Benrey would go over there and pet his head once everyone else was close enough to sleep to not open their eyes and potentially see. Though if they did see, what harm would it do? Yeah, depending on who saw, they might ask about it and/or make an annoying comment but so what? Benrey couldn’t leave Gordon to have a nightmare instead.

Despite having not done much in his game, he turned the Game Boy off and put it back in his pack he’d place next to himself. Before he could get up and head over though, Gordon moved and began carefully extracting himself from his sleeping bag. He could’ve unzipped it but seemed to be trying to avoid doing so. Probably because it made a sound that he was trying to prevent because he thought he was being sneaky. And maybe he was; if the others heard him, they weren’t turning to look. With a sigh, Benrey settled back down to wait for him. Maybe he just wanted to go somewhere else to do their usual night thing without risking the others seeing. Probably not but Benrey would suggest it.

Once free, Gordon slipped his glasses back on before tip-toeing over to Benrey to sit next to him, back against the door. Right next to him, shoulder to shoulder, so even when whispering softly, he could be heard. “Look, before you say it, you’re right, I need sleep. Sleep is good, I could die without it and all that. But also consider, I don’t want to fucking sleep. So do you think, you could instead help me stay awake? Just for tonight. I promise I’ll sleep in the car ride home and probably when we get home but… I just can’t tonight, please.”

Benrey should insist but… Gordon was here because of him. Even if he was doing better now, he was still clearly not okay and so maybe it’d be better to let him skip sleep. He’d done it before when Benrey had believed his lie about it not being a big deal and had survived just fine. So maybe indeed one night wasn’t good but not a huge deal. “Okay, I’ll help you stay awake.”

“Thank you, thank you. You’re an amazing friend.”

Benrey had gone from a good friend to an amazing friend, he was moving up in the world. Awesome. … How to help keep Gordon awake though? Well he did have one idea he’d been toying with for a while inspired by all their one handed gaming sessions.

He reached over and pulled out the Game Boy again. “You hold one half, I’ll hold the other, we’ll play together. The challenge should help keep you up, right?”

“Oh that’s uh… genius actually. I’ll go get a flashlight so I can see the screen better while you pick the game.”

While Gordon got up to do that, Benrey brought out his small assortment of games he’d brought with him. Not a very varied selection but since Gordon would by default be on the movement side so it made sense to pick a movement focused game to help keep him focused, so… Mario World 3 it was. If this turned out to be fun though, they’d have to try it later under better circumstances.

~

After a rocky start, filled with whispered bickering about whose fault each death was, they eventually got the hang of it. And thus after several hours, they were halfway through the game and… losing the hang of it. Gordon was struggling to stay awake. Benrey had already nudged him several times now with less and less success in getting him fully back to alert.

Benrey could tell him to get up and walk a bit, maybe do a little exercise. How that supposedly woke humans up, Benrey wasn’t sure because shouldn’t that be more tiring? But he’d heard it enough times that it had be true. Or he could let Gordon fall asleep.

Maybe if he was exhausted enough, it’d be fine. They’d spent most the day walking and Gordon’s quiet freak out had probably still been taxing, right? So surely by now he had to be tired enough to potentially skip dreaming.

And so Benrey stopped nudging him and ceased bringing it up when his sleepiness caused Mario to die. Despite that, he held on for another long while before inevitably losing the fight and slumping the rest of the way into Benrey as his body went lax with sleep.

Carefully, oh so carefully, Benrey shifted him so that Gordon’s head rested in his lap. Humans almost always slept lying down so that had to be the best position to sleep in for them. It would’ve been nice to get his sleeping bag under the rest of him too but that was more moving than Benrey was willing to risk.

Next, he turned off the flashlight and saved their spot in the game, before switching to resume shiny hunting. In an hour or two, the others would probably start to wake. He’d let Gordon sleep for as long as possible but still soon after that, they’d likely be on their way again. But even that much sleep had to be better than none.

Next Chapter

#hlvrai #frenrey #benrey #hlvrai gordon

[i-was-too-scared-to-jump-in]

post 1: my feelings about family thanksgiving

i've been racking my mind, looking for some way to get all my thoughts out. to get everything i've been keeping inside from eating me alive. i tried recording voice memos, which was very theraputic to say everything verbally and out loud. however, i was just too frustrated with how i couldn't stop crying, how high my voice is, how i kept getting distracted and loosing my train of thought, and how my living situation makes it impossible to sit down and record more.

i decided the best solution for this was just to make an old school blog to poor my heart out and get everything off my chest. a tell all for anyone who might stumble upon this blog. (which someone might due to my url being song lyrics[Miss. Swift is such a guilty pleasure, it's embarrassing. i'm so sorry]). i also apologize for any improper grammar, formatting, or punctuation, since i've never been the best at it all. i am trying, i promise.

when i tried the voice memos i really liked the episodic format, so i decided to keep this. now i'll hurry up and get into what i have to say.

at the time of writing this is nearly 12:30 am on monday but since i haven't slept yet, i'm counting it as sunday night. thursday was thanksgiving.

every thanksgiving my household visits my paternal grandparents house for thanksgiving. my paternal grandparents raised me and my brothers, which might seem fine, but they are extremely mentally, verbally and even physically abusive. this is a topic that will become reoccurring on this blog. around 2? 3? years ago, my grandmother started a new tradition where we talk about people we knew who passed and the impact they left on us. this could be a sweet and touching tradition to have, however, she purposefully uses this new tradition against me.

for context, when i was around 11 years old, a close friend of mine passed away. obviously, it impacted me greatly (but that could be it's own post some other day) and is something i've never properly processed, to the point i never even talk about it to my partner (i'll have to make a fun alias for them soon), and a lot of my personal triggers revolve around the summer the accident happened.

so every year, my grandmother starts her spiel about people who have passed to whoever this years guest is, then turning to me and insisting i "tell them all about your little friend". the first year this happened i ran to the bathroom in tears, she saw how it effected me. yet she continued on about private details involving the death of a 12 girl she never actually met. the second year she did this, i tried to play it off, but still hid in the bathroom to cry. this summer, the realization that thanksgiving was once again coming up hit me like a train, and i realized i can't let keep letting my family hurt me.

either late october or early november, i was spending time with my mother, which was a little unusual because i tend to not spend time with my relatives for reasons that will make more sense as i post more. she started going on and on about how she' s so glad that my brother is back (a future topic) and how we can have a nice family thanksgiving with everyone for the first time in years. that was when i informed her that if we were spending thanksgiving at my paternal grandparents' house, i would not be going. i explained why which caused me to cry and i hated it to much. i was so vulnerable. i can't afford to be vulnerable with my family. they're not the type of people you can be vulnerable with. i think this act of vulnerability gave my mother the impression that we had the type of mother-daughter relationship she always wanted (i'm a closeted trans man) and she seemed to want treat this vulnerability delicately. she often wasn't too kind with my few previous vulnerabilities. but she didn't say much about it.

i was then under the impression that i was safe, that i wouldn't be forced to walk right into the lions' den. only to discover that my parents visited my grandparents and brought up the problem. they wanted to make my grandmother promise to not bring it up again. i found this funny (in a ridiculous kind of way) since they would know more than anyone else that she isn't the type of person to correct mistakes and promise to stop doing things that hurt others. they should know more than anyone else that that woman puts her own convince over anyone else's well being or safety. she can't admit she's wrong or made a mistake. she's like a shark (i apologize to sharks for this analogy) and bringing up this concern was like pouring my blood in the water.

luckily my partner invited me to stay at their house during the holiday, and i did tell my mother i wasn't going. i thought they would understand. of all people, my parents would understand, right? thursday, my notifications kept going off with text message after text message asking where i was and insisting i be at my grandparents house before dinner was over. i silenced my phone and left them on read.

when i returned home, my mother was not happy. although she usually isn't when i get home normally. additionally, my brother "greeted" me at the door, which added an other layer of shittiness to it all. i just find it so frustrating that my whole family seems pissed off at me, when i explained my reasoning ahead of time, and just wanted to protect myself.

i've been writing for over an hour and i'm getting tired, so i should be heading to bed. especially since i have a paper due that i haven't even started.

i love you goodnight

- ghost ༼ つ ╹ ╹ ༽つ

[mnranger5]

Memorial Day Weekend at Voyageur's National Park, Namakan Lake & Ash River, 5/26/22 - 5/29/22

The annual trip up to Voyageur's has become one of my favorite getaways of the year. Nothing like being out in the middle of wilderness with only family and fishing to keep us entertained. Unfortunately Ashlynn and Brianna could not make it on this trip which made for a smaller group of us in 2022.

After a quick 4 hour drive north, we were at the Ash River by mid afternoon. Mike, Aidan and I took Mike's brand new boat out on the water in search of some smallies on the jerkbait bite. We found them.

The following morning, we headed out on the water, in both boats.  My fishing partner was Scarlett.  We spent the entire morning casting jerkbaits up on rocky shorelines looking for the smallie bite, but it just wasn’t happening for us.  All we could catch were some toothy northern pike (which we still kept for a fish fry later in the weekend). So I suggested a change.  I told Scarlett we needed to find warmer water, and some current wouldn’t be bad either.  I also suggested a lure change for her.

In previous trips with Dean, he swore by the Mepps inline spinner bait.  Specifically, the color green.  I headed over to Fleet Farm ahead of the trip to make sure I had the Dean Daniels Special for this weekend.  I already had a couple greens in the tackle box, so I bought one in every other color they sold (because you can never be too prepared).

Scarlett swapped out her jerkbait for the green Mepps.  In addition, we moved from the main lake down to where the Ash River dumps warmer water into Sullivan Bay. 

Along the shoreline marked in yellow is a bluff wall that leads into relatively deeper water.  I had Scarlett cast up against the bluff wall and slowly retrieve.  In her first few casts, she had a fish throttle her Mepps.  Unfortunately, I had not prepared her reel for this caliber of fish which resulted in the big mama pulling drag like there was no resistance.  I jumped to the back of the boat and tightened up the drag, A LOT, so she could hopefully start to gain some ground on whatever fish she was tangling with.  By the way it was pulling, my gut instinct was a big northern pike.  As she continued to gain ground on the fish, it all of a sudden darted toward the surface and leaped spectacularly out of the water.  I was shocked.  It was a tank and maybe the biggest smallmouth I had ever seen on this body of water.  She continued fighting the fish, but it only seemed to be getting stronger with every passing second.  At one point I looked at Scarlett, with her rod doubled over, and trying her hardest to reel, but the strain of the fish was too strong against the reel.  We were both laughing hysterically at the situation as I yelled to her to be stronger than the fish!  After what seemed like an eternity, Scarlett finally got the fish close enough to the boat for me to net her.  Whoa!  This was indeed a jumbo smallie tipping the scale at 4.7lbs.  Which makes it the biggest smallmouth our family has caught on Namakan.

Dean previously held the record at 4.5lbs for the last 4 years but has finally been dethroned. The same lake, the same stance, the same fish hold and the same smile. So the question is, who did it better?!?

Pretty cool both of these fish were caught on the Dean Daniels Special, a #5 Green Mepps.

Later that afternoon, we celebrated Dean’s life by telling stories and spreading his ashes at the site of his former family cabin on Kuebel Island.  Daryl, Dean's Dad, also has his ashes spread here.  Amanda, CJ and their boys made the trip for the day to join in the spreading.  Rest in peace at your happy place Dean.

Later that afternoon, we stopped back into Ash Ka Nam for a couple rounds of beverages and a little cardboard entertainment. Jackpot! This was more than enough to cover the tab!

That evening, we had a campfire using a "Dragon Log" Mike brought from his property in Wisconsin. The log is hollow in the middle, so when you place it on a campfire, it looks like a dragon spitting fire. Not gonna lie, it was pretty spectacular and it literally burned all night. It was still burning the next morning.

Day 3 kicked off with Aidan and Morgan fishing in Mike's boat, and Felicity fishing in my boat.

The smallmouth bite was a bit better in terms of numbers as we caught a handful of short ones, but the bigger fish were still hard to come by. Aidan started the day off with this nice 2.5 pounder.

He and Mike then followed it up with the first double of the weekend. Mike isn't used to having the smaller fish in the double up!

Over on my boat, we finally kicked it into gear mid morning when Felicity set the hook on a biggun. We had caught so many northern, I was figuring it was just another pike. But similar to Scarlett's big fish, this one took a mightly leap out of the water showing us it was exactly the species we were looking for. This smallmouth rung up at a hefty 3.48lbs, the 2nd biggest smallie of the weekend.

We fished all day long. After dropping Felicity off at lunch, Scarlett came back out in the boat with me as we traversed the entire south end of Namakan. We stopped at Johnson Falls, where there was water pouring over the falls and into the cove. Scarlett and I fished the waterfalls for 30 minutes with jerkbaits and Mepps spinners, not picking up a single bite.

It was getting to be fairly late in the afternoon and we had about a 25 minute boat ride just to get back to the cabin, so we called it quits without any fish in the afternoon lunker hunt.

Day 4 Started off with Scarlett and I catching pike, after pike, after pike, and one smallmouth.

Mike and Madison were also catching Pike, big ones!

We headed back to the cabin for breakfast following our super successful morning fish. We bundled everybody up in rain gear, loaded the boats with snacks and went on an an awesome lake exploration.

We stopped at a couple spots and did a little fishing without catching anything. Everybody seemed to be enjoying the fast boat rides however.

We eventually made our way back over to Johnson Falls. Mike started casting directly into the falls with none other than a jerkbait - same lure as Scarlett and I used the previous day in this exact same spot. Sure enough, Mike hooked a nice walleye on his first cast. Scarlett (who was in Mike's boat) then followed it up with a walleye of her own. So I straight up poached Mike's spot and had Dyan take a couple casts into the falls. Sure as heck, she also caught one on the first cast!

This was the action shot!

After Johnson Falls, the rain started coming down. At times, quite a bit more than a sprinkle. Eveybody was getting wet, but having a ball. The girls climbed hilly terrain...

...while Mike and I manned the boats down below.

Eventually, we ended up the Kettle Falls Hotel and had a drink in the iconic crooked floor bar.

The boat ride from Kettle Falls back to the cabin was a good 30 minutes on plane. About 10 minutes into the ride, my boat ran out of gas. Now, we knew it was a possibility that I'd run out of fuel, but we were hoping it would be closer to home base. Mike ended up towing me at idol speed for what was probably close to 90 minutes. But everybody had fun with it. We were tossing snacks back and forth between the two boats.

At some point, Mike thought it would be funny to goose the motor while I was standing on the back of the boat. It resulted in me nearly flying off the back of the boat, and into the lake. Thanks Mike.

When we finally reached the cabin, we started a fire and finished the weekend in the best way possible - a fish fry over the open flame.

[darkacademicfrom2021]

Away. So, so far away.

"There wasn’t a single moment where he could forget how fragile you were. How different your life span was compared to his —he wanted to give you all of his enormity, all of the years that wore too big on his bland and heavy life.

He couldn’t keep you by his side forever".

Pairing/s: Loki x reader, Bucky x reader

There's 2 alternative endings, a "choose your own adventure" kind of thing.

<<Previous part Masterlist Next part>>

Warnings: angst. God, believe me, this is so fucking sad. Sorry about that. Some fluff, implied smut, Odin and Frigga's A+ parenting (/s). Thor being a little bitch. Reader not wanting kids.

Total word count: 16,3K (this was supposed to be an oneshot???)

Chapter word count: 4,6K

1

If you had to choose the best outcome from working with the Avengers (or, more specifically, under the economic decisions of Tony Stark), it had to be the hotels he chose for the team on the missions.

The rooms were always a bliss —you would’ve never gone to such fancy places if it were up to you. You didn’t think it was worth the money at all, and you didn’t fit into the overpriced lifestyle of those who loved the five-stars everything.

But your work was something you had to do, and, let’s say the comfortable beds, big bathrooms and incredibly talented chefs making your breakfast wasn’t something you had to work hard for you to enjoy.

And now, as your sore muscles ached and your fogged head went everywhere and anywhere, you thanked greatly to be able to be there that night. Peaceful. Tranquility washing over your back in the form of drops of water.

The mirror was covered with steam and a curtain blocked your way, but you still noticed the tall figure of Loki peeping in. You heard his clothes being dropped on the floor and you kept on putting soap over your shoulders, as if he wasn’t there. You were so, so tired, you didn’t even realize that the shower was a little bit too hot for your lover. It even was too hot for you, too.

“Damn”, he gasped as he flinched away from the water. You woke up from your daydreaming and immediately turned the cold water on. The mixture of them formed a perfectly tepid temperature you both could tolerate. You learnt the hard way Loki showered on such cold water your lips would turn blue. “You alright, dear?”, he asked from behind you.

“Yeah, a little tired, not more”.

“You need some rest, take the day off tomorrow, would you?”, he purred on your ear with his hands on your shoulders, giving you a soft massage. His hands moved up to your hair, and he soon began cleaning it himself. He loved to do that for you, and you loved to feel his long fingers caress your scalp, the soap running down your body, the shampoo smell staining his own skin and leaving the shower smelling the same.

“I have to finish this mission up”, you mumbled. “But once we’re back to the compound you bet we’re taking a day off together. You must be tired too”.

“Not that much, but I can’t deny a day off with you”, you felt him smile, even though you weren’t facing him. You knew how and when he smiled; you memorized the curve of his lips and every situation it would curve. His smile did things to you. “You know I don’t get tired off of these things”.

“Yeah, it’s almost like you’re a God or something”.

You both laughed softly. He gently pulled your head back and cleaned off the shampoo. He kissed your temples, all the way down to the nape of your neck, and kept kissing each protuberance of the spine, bone by bone, as if missing one would make it feel left out. As if every inch of you, every single bit of you, deserved the same praise and the same love —it did. He made sure you knew that.

“It’ll be all over soon”, he promised in a whisper. You sighed.

“Don’t worry, my love. It will pay off”, you assured him. You turned around to face his furrowed brows. Standing in your tiptoes, you reached his forehead and planted a kiss where his frown disappeared as if by magic. “Now it’s my turn to wash your hair”. He smiled and kneeled before you, so you could reach his head.

You shampooed and conditioned his hair slowly and silently. He closed his eyes, not letting you know he was overthinking about everything he was making you do, and how much he appreciated you doing it.

“You know…”, he murmured, his deep voice almost getting mistaken by a groan if it weren’t for the clearly spoken words, “we could stop all of this, if you see it… surpassing your limitations”.

He opened his eyes and raised his head to meet yours. Those puppy eyes of his. You scoffed.

“Limitations?”, you cocked an eyebrow and smirked teasingly.

He laughed and rolled his eyes.

“You know you’re a weakie”, he said jokingly, emphasizing on how bad that word described you at his gaze. “Now, seriously. I’m aware it’s a lot. A lot, lot”.

“Love, you don’t have to keep worrying about it. I accepted because I love you so, so much. Some even could say too much”, you caressed the back of his head and sank your fingers in between the curled strands. “I may not agree with it ideologically, but I can make a little sacrifice if that means being with you for the rest of my life. And, for the record, it’s not as much as you think”.

He didn’t say anything else to that. He simply smiled again, pressed lips in the tiniest curve, as if repressing it would make it last longer, and let you wash the conditioner off him.

You could do very well with a day off, though. Between the missions that seemed to never stop and only get worse week by week, and the infinite amount of trials you had to go through by the Asgardian royals, you thought you may pass out any time soon.

The trials… ah, the weirdest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life. And that was not little to say, for you had fought freaking aliens and helped supersoldier’s wounds to heal in a matter of seconds with Stark’s subdermic nanotech.

Loki had a possibility, a chance to have everything he ever wanted to have, and he could’ve taken it. They said ‘you can have the throne now’, as if it had always been that easy, and he didn’t take it right away, as if it hadn’t been the thing he most wanted.

“The thing I most want, little darling, is you”, he told you when he explained what had happened.

And you swore he was about to propose —he almost took off a damn ring off his pocket. But he didn’t, and instead, he related carefully and detailedly what had to happen before he could marry you, if he were to get the throne. You had to show your in-laws you were a good companion for the King.

And that sucked. Why did it matter so much? You loved him and he loved you, and he was going to be a great King. That was all that mattered for both of you. But the conditions were very clear, and had no room for argument. And you wouldn’t let Loki give up his unfulfilled wish to rule the realms, nor would he give it up now that he had the chance.

So there you were, balancing between the missions and the trials. Which were very sexist, in fact. Who would’ve thought royals and Gods would be so conservative? You laughed. They varied between many housekeeping duties, archery, Asgard’s history, a lot of politics, the cooking and baking of different Asgardian treats, and a lot of those idiotic kind of trainings of putting books over your head and walking in heels. They said they had to transform an avenger into royalty, and you almost laughed in their face. Loki did.

It was impossible you'd ever actually become who they wanted you to change into. A submissive and silent companion, not possessing any other ability than smiling politely and attending your husband's needs? You were so incredibly far from even being like that, that not even Strange could see a reality in where you'd do it.

But you could pretend. You passed the first dozen trials, and passed them well. Odin had started growing a certain liking to your attitude, much unlike Frigga, who was increasingly repulsed by it. She was trying her best in transforming you, a lost cause in her eyes, into whatever she found fitting to accompany her younger son.

"Your mother's idea of a 'good' partner is very different from mine", you said over a glass of wine, waiting for dinner to finish cooking. Loki was sitting over the counter reading a book. He closed it over his lap and marked the page with a wooden spoon that was on handy.

"Mine too", he sighed. "She doesn't see that you already are perfect".

"I don't think she'd see me with your eyes".

"You must remember she was raised to be the princess that would someday marry Odin. She has no other view of marriage than… changing the true self. Much as she taught me shapeshifting, we have all learnt different ways to hide underneath a veil of lies and deceiving".

You took in his sincere words and went back to silence for a while. He didn't go back to his book, instead, he looked at you. He wanted to know what you were thinking about, but asking felt like an intrusion of some sort. You looked back at him, an invitation to ask. He then asked,

"How do you feel about it?".

You nodded with no reason to nod. Pressed your lips in a line, a smile that wouldn't form just yet. Not for this.

"I sincerely don't know", you finally said. He hummed. "I love you, that's all I know. My perception of marriage doesn't mean giving everything and everyone up. But again, in my perception of marriage I never thought I would actually marry a prince. I know this is how it is. I know this is what has to be done".

"It doesn't", he jumped off the counter and surrounded your waist with his arms, resting his head on your shoulder. "Love, this can be solved. I don't want you to resign everything and everyone. This is not how it has to go if you don't like it. Say the word. Say the word and…", he sighed.

"And you'll resign your everything and everyone?", you chuckled.

"You're my everything and everyone, I wouldn't be resigning anything I don't already have".

"Liar. You want this", you said almost in a whisper. Turning around to face him, you cupped his face and kissed his chin. "You can have it. I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel guilty".

"I have reasons to feel that way".

"I'm just being dramatic".

"You're not".

"I really am", you assured him. Love sometimes was protecting him from your thoughts. Love sometimes was waking up from a nightmare where he died and not telling him about it. Love sometimes was not worrying him and lying. Or was it? Were you protecting him or were you creating a demon? "This is your big chance. Do I have a big chance here? I don't. My big chance so far has been being by your side. You make me blindly happy. I don't care if I have to change some things to please your parents, we both know I wouldn't actually change. We can see underneath the acting. You know me".

"I know you enough…", he started saying, with no need to finish it. I know you enough to know you don't want this.

"Let's have dinner", you smiled, and he kissed your forehead.

Love sometimes was accepting, he thought. Accepting you didn't want to talk about it that much. Love sometimes was sharing time. Sharing that glass of wine while sharing moments in the kitchen. Sharing the dinner you cooked together. Sharing time. Sharing. And this… Loki knew he wasn't sharing. He was taking his chance and making you go through it without you wanting it. But you shared —your life, your motivations, your fears, most of your thoughts. And you shared your thoughts about it, yet he could sense that wasn't all. You were keeping some worries to yourself, and that was what preoccupied him the most.

In the training room, you avoided Thor’s blasts and threw your daggers, trying to practice over the little things the Queen had taught you. Loki observed from afar, not wanting to distract you. He stared proudly, knowing who he was going to marry. It was not bad at all.

You had started liking that part of the training. You catched interest for Asgard’s history, politics, and the trainings of archery and dagger-fighting. You grew fonder of the idea of living in his Palace, and, to him, nothing sounded better than you calling him my King in front of everyone. But, whatever would come for the future, would come brightly.

You weren’t closer with Thor than with any other Avenger. And you weren’t exactly friends with anyone. You got along pretty well. Tony Stark liked your fierce personality, and laughed at the contrast between your bitterness in the field to your kind essence in any other situation.

Steve Rogers constantly pointed out how hilarious it was that someone like you would end up with someone like Loki. Both took it personal —Loki thought it was an offence to him, “how could someone as caring and sweet as you end up with that mass murderer”. You thought it was an offence to you, “how could someone as dull and incompetent as you end up with a literal God”.

Natasha Romanoff… She didn’t talk much. But, unlike James, she didn’t even try to communicate. James was interesting, and you were sure you would call him a friend, someday. He wasn’t very talkative, but he was always there. Always laughed at your jokes. He memorized your coffee order. He liked the same shows you did and watched them with you, in silence. He was quiet, but his actions spoke to you much more than any other Avenger. Although, James “Bucky” Barnes, was not an Avenger. Much like Loki. He was just there, he was always helping.

“How are the trials?”, asked Thor, avoiding one of your daggers without much effort. You weren’t actually good at it. Thor had learnt to avoid them for the last thousand years.

“I have a week left, and then it’s done. I think I’m doing pretty good”, you said, hiding your exhaustion. Thor was barely moving and you couldn’t catch up to him as much as you tried. He laughed when you fell, and helped you up, only to blast you again with a tiny electric wave, that at that point you felt no more than a tingling sensation.

“My son”, heard Loki from behind him. He turned around and made a small reverence to her. She smiled and stood by his side, observing you too. “I see their determination”.

“Nothing better for a King’s companion, yes?”, he said, proud dripping off his words. Frigga rolled her eyes and nodded. She wasn’t amused that Loki, from all the choices he had, had chosen a dull midgardian to follow him for less than a century. And then he’d had to choose again. Hopefully, someone who would live longer than a damn heartbeat.

“We ought to have a little talk, boy”, she finally said, and Loki’s heart tightened with nervousness. Very few people managed to get him that nervous over a couple of words. “Join me to a more… private space”.

They walked in silence until his room seemed like the best option. Room was a formal way to call it, for it was huge as an apartment. You both had managed to make a standardized-looking studio apartment into a cozy space, decorated with care and dedication. It was obvious Loki’s good taste and your inherent warmth had a big role on the decorations.

Frigga roamed around the room, observing the hung pictures and passing a finger through the white Christmas lights. She stopped at a particular photograph of Loki and you ice skating. He was carrying you as if you were a feather-weight doll, your seemingly cold hands wrapping his blue neck. Frigga stared at the actions developing at that moment. Under your cold touch, he was half transformed in his Jötun form, completely comfortable. You looked at his eyes with a glimmer that Frigga knew it to be the same Loki looked at you with. You were both laughing, and he seemed to have carried you up bridal style only to tease you into throwing you into a snow pile.

“Mother?”, Loki pulled her off of her thoughts. She turned around. “You wished to talk about something”.

“You seem… in love”, she murmured under a confusing expression. Despite Loki’s perceptiveness, he couldn’t figure out if his mother was repressing a smile or holding back a frown of sadness. Perhaps both.

“I am, mother”, he admitted, appearing a mug of tea in her hand and inviting her to sit on one of the couches. “If I must be sincere with you, as I always have been, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way for anyone”.

“For a mortal, Loki…”, she sighed and sipped her tea. “You know what will happen now. You’re so… attached”.

“As attached as you are to Father, not as one is to a puppy pet”, he clarified.

“But much more like a puppy pet, they’ll live less than a quarter of your life. Much less. In fact, you’ll blink twice and you’ll be by an empty space on your bed, my dear”.

“I certainly hope you’re getting to a point here”, he scoffed. He’s had this conversation countless times before, and his mother never gave in.

“There is this last thing in the trials…”, she said, raising her eyebrows and getting up to pace around the room once again, barely watching over the decens of good moments in pictures you had displayed on the wall. “One thing that has to be surely not optional”.

Loki sipped on his own tea, looking out the window. He watched the spider boy try the man of iron’s flying boots and crush against a window. It was a much better thing to have his mind on, than in what his mother had just implied.

He didn’t realize it, but a few tears formed in the corners of his eyes, and he had to swallow harder to speak his mind. The implication alone of what that meant… he knew all of this would crumble under his touch. Sooner or later, he would have to make a choice, and he’d choose the wrong thing.

Both options were the wrong thing. There was no way out. There was no right path to follow.

“There has to be a way out of this question. Of this decision”, he hurried. His mother chuckled.

“Given your reaction, son, it doesn’t sound like there’s much to decide. It’s an answered question, and we all know it”.

“Yet you thought it wise to pull them through all of these trials, all of these…”, his lips trembled, and he had to stop to take a breath. “To rouse us with the illusion of the better life we always dreamed of?”.

“I had warned you about it, Loki. There is no us in your daydream for the throne. And much less with a short-lived being such as a midgardian. I had warned you”, she repeated, and rage boiled on Loki’s veins.

“Why is it that everytime I get a glimpse of what a good future could look like, it gets destroyed before it arrives?!”, he lost his temper, raising his voice. The tea fell to the carpeted floor and he didn’t even look at it. Frigga didn’t flinch, and walked closer to him. She gave him an arm-length grab on his shoulders that was supposed to calm him down.

“Hush, little boy… this is for…”, she tried to soothe the wound she opened, but he interrupted her before she could say anything else.

“For my own good? Were you going to say that, Frigga?”, he hissed. His mother dropped the arms. She didn’t like when he called her by name. It implied things he had implied before, and were no less true than what he felt like. Apart. Away. “And must I remind you I’m not a little boy you need to protect and make decisions for? This is ridiculous. I’m given, once again, the illusion of the choice”.

“Oh, Loki, when have I ever given you a golden apple you couldn’t actually reach?”, she folded her arms, furrowing her brows. “I’ve taught you magic so you could be unstoppable. I’ve raised you equally, despite your roots. I’ve…”, she enlisted, and Loki’s chest hurt so tightly he thought he’d finally die. He couldn’t speak. “I’ve left everything to your reach. Your arm just wasn’t long enough. You could’ve stretched it further, yet you decided to go for another apple, and that, my son, is not our fault”.

Loki sat on the floor, and she stayed standing. The height difference that would always make her look up at him was now gone, dissolved as the confidence Loki had gathered in the past few years he’s been living in Midgard, away from all of those words. Away from what he considered at some point, the truth. And you weren’t there to hug him and squeeze the lies away —it wasn’t true, it wasn’t true, it wasn’t true, he repeated himself like a machine. It wasn’t true, although it felt so much like it.

“Loki? You haven’t said a word in…”, she began saying, rotting her patience of steel.

“What would you like me to say?”, he asked, blinking some tears away. He got up, not letting her see how much smaller he felt now. Words are just words. “Perhaps you could facilitate me with a script, so I would never wrong my path again, yes?”, he spat sarcastically.

“Oh, son. You musn’t…”.

“Take this personally, I’m aware. Now, if you excuse me, my beloved will come from training any time soon now, and it would be very unpleasant for you to come across them and have to greet them, right? So I’d suggest we wrap up our little chat and you go… Queen around”.

“Now, you’re being just rude. I wouldn’t wish you to fail in anything”.

“I’ve never said that. You said that I’m just too… incompetent to reach, the apples, was it? Were you talking about Iduna’s or was it a metaphor for all the things you’ve taken from me?”.

“You’re putting words in my mouth”.

“You’re right. You’ve never taken anything from me. You’ve never given them in the first place. You’ve only put them near, so I could want them enough, and then give them to your real son”.

“You’re my son, too. You’re a real son, too, Loki”, she extended her palms for him to grab, but he didn’t. Instead, he turned around.

“Excuse me. I must have misunderstood”. 

“You certainly did”.

“Perhaps it’s because I live in a world of illusions, and I’m forgetting what’s real and what’s not”.

She nodded, hiding impatience. Without saying another word, she teleported away, disappearing behind a veil of yellow lights, like a flame surrounding and consuming her.

Loki dropped to the floor again, and inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled, inhaled… 

“Love?”, you asked, dropping your water bottle on the table without unlocking your eyes from him. You kneeled next to him immediately. “Love, what’s happening? Are you bad?”.

If he wasn’t in such a state, he would’ve laughed at the comparison of what caring for the other meant in your eyes and his family’s.

He didn’t let you see his face —torn apart, wet with cold tears that solidified to the touch of his skin, the blue form that couldn’t hide when he was too upset, or too broken, like he was right then.

He sank in your arms, hugging you as tightly as he allowed himself to. Grasping for your touch, for you to never leave him, for your soul to never leave your body and stay with him for the rest of his life.

His mother was right, he thought. He was all she said he was, and that hurt him. But it stung him even more when he knew how right she was about his short-lived being beloved. He was going to pull away from your hug and you would take a few more breaths, and that was it. And your worried face, frowning your expression as you couldn’t see what had taken over his lover this time, would become cold as marble.

“Please, please—I can’t live without you, not like this—not anymore”, he sobbed over your neck, sinking deeper into the embrace you would oh so tightly hold and hold —you wouldn’t let him go, not ever, not if you had the chance to. And Loki knew you would actually do it. He’d lose you because you would never agree to that, and with good reason.

“You don’t have to, I’m not leaving. I’m here, Loki. I’m here, love, and you’re alright. Deep breaths, breathe with me, love, come, breathe with me”, you helped him calm down, rubbing big circles on his back, your palms open and warm trying to cover the immensity of him compared to you.

There wasn’t a single moment where he could forget how fragile you were. How different your life span was compared to his —he wanted to give you all of his enormity, all of the years that wore too big on his bland and heavy life.

He couldn’t keep you by his side forever.

He could, on the other hand, keep you as far as he could manage to.

He was already stable, now. You cuddled him on the couch, weighted blanket surrounding his body, a few ice cubes inside a bag for his forehead and neck —you knew it would always make him feel less pushed, keeping his Aesir form costed an extra amount of energy he sometimes couldn’t handle to bare— and your hand kept brushing his hair, braiding it, letting him know he was safe.

He opened his eyes and there you were —an angel, a healer caring for his wounds. He sighed at your sight, and embarrassed himself for even thinking about it. No, no. Of course he would choose you. He would never choose the throne if he had to give you up. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

He raised a hand to cup your cheek.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered.

“Don’t be”, you assured.

“I… I have to ask”.

“Tell me”.

And so he asked,

“Would you, ever, at any given point of your life, want to have a child with me?”.

You stayed silent. You looked at him, every bit of his face, every expression that would tell you what he was actually thinking about. Why was he asking this now? After all of this? He knew the answer, why would he bring it up again?

And then it hit you.

“Your Mother was here”, you lowered your gaze. Your legs started bouncing.

“She was”.

“This is a condition”.

“It is”.

“Heir”.

“Not more and not less”.

“What will we do?”, you asked, raising your eyebrows. As you looked for Loki’s eyes to be wet, to have any emotion of regret, they weren’t. He was hiding them very well.

“We will stay here. No more trials. No more boring royal things for you to learn”.

“This can’t be possible”, you frowned in concern. “Loki, this is the thing you most want. You can’t give it up for this”.

“For what? For being with the love of my life? I certainly can and will”, he smiled. It was a sad smile, you noticed. His eyes couldn’t hide what his lips tried to. He noticed you didn’t believe him. “We’ve talked about this over and over. I will bargain more. But as for now, I can see the most likely option will be this one. I propose we get comfortable. You once talked about a house by the mountains and cats, right?”.

“Don’t change the topic, mister”, you frowned and he laughed. You hugged him tightly, and murmured in his ear “are you sure you want this?”.

“So, so sure, my little darling”.

(Taglist: @lucywrites02 , @louieboo87 , @the-departed-potato , @jesuswasnotawhiteman , @idontknow296 , @beksib , @spythoschei , @geekwritersworld , @whatafuckingdumbass , @mysticunicorn7 @shadowolf993 , @joscelyn02 , @t00-pi , @selfship-mishaps , @sallymagnoliaposts , @deadgirl88 , @enderslove)

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[sugadaily]

On tvN’s You Quiz on the Block, SUGA told stories from before his debut. The period of his life when he struggled with how to live off his music. SUGA and BTS have kept going and going for eight years, and now he’s on their grounds, where he can do anything he wants musically. What began with that long journey is the story of SUGA holding his head up higher and staring at the future, reaching for it.

How are you feeling after your shoulder surgery? You’re doing physical therapy in parallel with work. SUGA: I’m all right. I’m keeping up with the physical therapy, too. I had surgery last year because I wanted to be able to go back to work sooner. I have nothing else to do except music.

You said that there’s nothing for you to do other than music in the “BE-hind Story” interview on YouTube, too. SUGA: It’s true. I tried gaming, but I have no talent for it. The people I play with online get so frustrated if I do. I mean, I’m working hard and got some recognition in my life, and yet people bash me so hard in games. (laughs)

I wonder if there’s a game you can do better in than you do in your career. You’re currently at your sixth week at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 [with “Butter, at the time of this interview]. (laughs) How are you feeling these days? SUGA: When we were at number one for two weeks straight, I was like, Wow, this is so amazing! But after the fifth or sixth week, we really started to talk about it between ourselves: I really can’t believe this. Anyway, I feel like I have a responsibility. And I think I’ll end up thinking much, much more when we get ready for the next promotion. Even if I just try to enjoy this situation, it hasn’t sunk in. We can’t leave the country, plus there’s lots of issues in the world right now that are much more important than how well we perform on the charts.

As you say, it’s a tough situation, all over the world. How do you feel about releasing “Permission to Dance,” with its positive message, at this point in time? SUGA: It seems like everyone around the world is really tired of this situation dragging out. I wanted to convey a message that tells people to keep hanging on to hope until the very end. Whereas we released the album BE in this situation, seemingly without any certainty, I believe things will slowly get better now. I don’t know if we can go back to the way things were before, but I’m still working with the hope that we can return to a situation that resembles what we had before.

Aren’t you tired of the pandemic being in this prolonged state? SUGA: I look at it as, when you lose one thing, you gain another. I ended up being able to see my family more since I’m in Korea. In that sense, I feel more stable, so I’m not so much tired as hoping each day that things will become okay soon. I keep moving back and forth between work and home, and I’ve started to reflect on parts of myself I didn’t know about before. Like that I feel somewhat comfortable when I start and finish work at a certain time. While I used to have to go to bed at a certain time for work the next day or else I had a hard time getting up early, now I know I’ve figured out what time I should wake up at to make sure I feel good all day. What I pursue in life is emotional stability, and I don’t think there’s really anything too exciting or sad happening these days.

What effect do those emotions have when you work on music? SUGA: They don’t have a big effect on it. I think it affects the way I write lyrics a bit, but I’m not working on any lyrics at the moment. I’ve been making music for a long time, so I think it’s possible for me to express emotions I’m not feeling in the moment. And it’s good that we released “Permission to Dance” in this kind of situation.

You sing rather than rap in “Permission to Dance.” In addition to rapping, you started singing more both before and after BE. What did you learn about your voice? SUGA: “Permission to Dance” was a little bit difficult. I don’t draw a line between singing and rapping or anything, but it was different from our usual style, and the vocals were a bit high, too. So even though it took a while to prepare for it, I worked hard, and even when I asked some older musicians for their opinions, they all said, “It’s good the way you’re doing it. Don’t try to sing better—just sing more.” I think my only option is to sing more, like they suggested.

As far as style goes, you’ve been doing a smoother kind of pop music. Did any differences arise as a result of these changes? SUGA: All things considered, the English was the hardest part. I paid close attention to my pronunciation in “Butter” and “Permission to Dance.” It wasn’t easy to capture that smooth feeling in the songs, so I practiced my pronunciation quite a bit. And I end up breathing a lot when I’m doing an English song, but the rap parts were a bit hard for that reason. There’s a clear difference from Korean songs, since English has so many syllables. But I don’t have any one method I stick with for my vocals yet, so I tend to try lots of different things out.

What do you make of BTS’s achievements over the past year with “Permission to Dance” and “Butter,” as well as the group’s change in style? In the space of a year, you’ve released songs in a style different from MAP OF THE SOUL: 7 or BE. SUGA: As a producer, I think reactions are important to an artist who works within the field of popular music. With that in mind, speaking as a producer, “Dynamite,” “Butter” and “Permission to Dance” were the best choices. And musical tastes are different from country to country, and the cultures are different, too. Given that situation, I think it’s important that we’re a group who can send such a universal message out into the world.

BTS has really grown and changed a lot, starting with “No More Dream” and all the way to “Permission to Dance.” SUGA: I think it’s a natural course of event for those of us who make pop music. Artists mix and match different genres as they grow, and the music develops as the people of its time listen to it. I’ve been listening to a ton of music lately, and thanks to the times we live in, if I listen to a song a few times, they recommend me more songs in a similar style. And after listening to them, I realized the style of hip hop is also changing and is splitting off into different offshoots. Other than hip hop, I also listen to a lot of instrumental music. I’ve always liked Hans Zimmer’s music. There have been many times where a movie I like turns out to have music by Hans Zimmer.

What is it about Hans Zimmer’s music that draws you in? SUGA: I like orchestral music. There’s a lot of pop songs that are under the three-minute mark now, and whereas it’s sort of predetermined that they’re always written with intros that are four bars long, orchestral music can do a lot within its framework.

But, as can be seen in IU’s song “eight,” which you both produced and featured on, you broke out of pop music’s typical composition style and tried out a highly condensed progression. The composition of the chorus is very straightforward. SUGA: Yes. I insisted that the flow be roughly cut in half from that of a typical song, and I expect more pop music will be like that in the future. And maybe even shorter as time goes on. I mean, these days there’s songs that are under two minutes, even.

Regardless, I felt the chorus in “eight” is extremely dramatic with its structure and the melody of the chorus. I thought it was rather grand in scale as well. Would you say that you’re attempting to mix your tastes and things you want to do into the structure of pop music? SUGA: As you know, I love hip hop, so when I was first making music I thought it had to be hip hop no matter what and that I had to take pride in my own ideas and not accept any compromise. But while getting some experience at the forefront of pop music, I figured out that you can keep being stubborn or inflexible because there are people listening to you. There was a time I made music without any listeners before I became a member of BTS. But if someone were to ask if I stopped being stubborn about the music I’m making these days, the answer’s no. As I grew up and became an adult, I came to realize that I have to negotiate between what I want to do and the kind of music the public wants without compromising anything. When I give up on something I wanted to do, I ask myself, What will I get out of this? And conversely, when I want to do something, I ask myself, What can I get out of this? That’s how I keep my balance to make it to where I am now.

You have no choice but to think about those things when you work on other artists’ songs, especially when you’re a producer. SUGA: I’m BTS’s SUGA, and I’m Agust D, and when I’m producing, I go by “by SUGA.” But when it comes to by SUGA, I make perfectly commercial music. I’m the producer for those songs, sure, but the owner is someone else, you know? In that case, they’re commissioning my work. But they wouldn’t think about just leaving it all with SUGA. The artist’s label has to think carefully about whether to commission me for producing and consider my situation, too, and those people must be hoping for something commercial. That’s the most important part of working with outside people. Actually, that kind of work isn’t much of a benefit to me, to be honest. Oh, he can write this kind of song, too. That’s all. The more valuable thing I can get from it is the recognition and records the artist or the company will get with the song instead.

As you noted in your previous Weverse Magazine interview, when you discussed your “interest in the music industry in the US,” you seem to constantly think about the things artists can do within the framework of the music industry. SUGA: I don’t know. It’s just that I’ve become more certain since the pandemic started that I’m the kind of person who always has to be doing music. That much I know for sure, so I want to keep on making good music. And the pop music market is something that came about because there were people listening, and there’s a long history to the US music market, and it possesses the most influential charts in the whole word. So then I thought, Wouldn’t they have gone through all the same things that we have? And really, whenever I talk to other pop stars, the situation is always similar. The US is also more realistic about commercial results than any other country. I wanted an accurate picture of how those people work. Right now, Korean pop music’s spread is in full swing and we need more good artists to keep popping up. From a producer’s standpoint, if that’s going to happen, I think the key is how well we can mix our music and the characteristics of overseas music industries overall.

How did it feel to be in the lineup for the Grammy Awards, one of the icons of the US music industry? SUGA: The feeling was less immediate because we couldn’t be there in person, and it wasn’t a huge distinction, but the performance made me think, This is different, because it’s the Grammys. What changed my view from the first time I went to an American music awards ceremony was, the first time I went, I was really scared of the world’s biggest music market. But when I look back now, I don’t think I had any reason to feel that intimidated. To be honest, I have only now begun to enjoy the awards ceremonies; I wasn’t able to then.

It’s no exaggeration to say that you’ve achieved most of the things that you can as an artist in the music industry. What steps do you think are necessary for the artists who follow after BTS? SUGA: The way artists work seems so difficult. They make an appearance on a different music show every day once the promotional period begins, meaning the exhaustion artists face is enormous, and that fatigue often results in injuries as it adds up. That kind of music show is for promotional purposes, so it’s not like the artists can earn a proper income from them. On top of that, despite all the promoting, there’s no visible outcome, so they inevitably lose morale. If possible, it’d be nice to have one of the performances be really high-quality, even if it’s just the one, but in this environment I’d say that’s pretty difficult. And since our job doesn’t fit the common conception of work, there’s ambiguous boundaries when it comes to issues of legal protection as well. We need a lot of improvements to be made to the industry and its system.

They demand a lot of things as collateral for success, yet success is extremely difficult to attain. SUGA: The great thing about the label I’m with is they listen to the artists’ opinions. I think both we and the label know to a certain degree what kinds of activities would be best commercially speaking. But the question is whether the body can endure it or not. If the fatigue builds up as you continuously do those promotional activities, it’s hard to do them the way you did when you first debuted. In that case, I think the label ought to actively accommodate the artist’s views about what they can and cannot do. An attitude that’s just like, Oh, we made you kids, and as long as you just do what we tell you to it’ll all work out, so just do it—I think that really doesn’t make any sense. Of course, there could still be situations where the label has to be pushy like that, obviously. But I heard there’s been times where a label will just say, Do it, without any explanation to the artist, or, Why are you talking so much? I think that’s the biggest issue and it’s destroying the industry. If you just see the artist as a product, how can they do anything creative? I really think it’s very contradictory to ask the people on stage to put on an enjoyable performance when they’re experiencing neither fun nor enjoyment.

That reminds me of the music video for “Daechwita” somehow. You appear onscreen as both a rebel character and a king, looking as different as your situation when you first debuted with BTS and your situation now. SUGA: There was a lot I wanted to do in “Daechwita,” not just musically but also visually, and a lot of ideas came to me as I came to reflect on who I am as a person while working on the music video. It naturally occurred to me to separate SUGA, by SUGA and Agust D. The character I played in that video who wasn’t the king was a stranger. It takes place during the Joseon era, but then there’s cars and guns, which of course don’t belong in that era. I think we’ve been living our lives that way. Right from our debut, a portion of the hip hop lovers criticized us by saying, They’re idols. But at the same time, we heard things like, They’re not idols. I didn’t know which drumbeat to march to, so I think that’s why each of our albums took a different direction than people were expecting. But I don’t think I can call myself a stranger in this situation anymore. So these days my main goal is to keep going with BTS for a long time. Having a huge audience show up at our concerts is nice, but I think the goal for all of us is to make sure the group can keep making music even as we get older. I think right now we’re thinking a lot about how we can have fun and be happy on stage.

What do you mean when you say fun and happy music? SUGA: I think people are happier the busier I am, so lately I’ve been thinking that I need to focus a little more. I figure we should do as much as we can for ARMY since they feel happy watching us. We’ll continue to try our best, so I hope they believe in BTS and keep their eyes on us.

So that’s why you do music. SUGA: This is the only thing I know how to really do. Other than music and BTS, there’s nothing special about me when I look at this 28-year-old Min Yoongi. That’s why I want to keep doing this.

#yoongi #suga #bangtan #bts #210730 #interview

[ac3id]

Plaything | 18+ | part i

plaything 1/ ?? | part 0

pairings: yandere! bully bakugou katsuki x fem! reader

warnings: [series] blackmail, bullying, dubcon/ noncon, filming w/o consent, yandere themes, no quirks au. ALL CHARACTERS ARE ABOVE 18 YEARS OF AGE.

↪ for chapter 1: dubcon, blackmail, humiliation, masturbation, filming w/o consent, boot grinding, a little bit of bakusquad + reader....this is filthy :D 

summary: by luck you get enrolled into u.a high the best school in your town. the only catch is that the school is filled with rich, spoilt and powerful brats who just seem to hate you and among them, a certain red eyed blonde dreads you the most

↪ for chapter 1: you bump into bakugou by accident, dropping your vanilla ice cream all over him, you try to apologize and run away but wants more...oh wait why are his friends standing there recording everything too? 

wordcount. 4k+

a/n: sooooo, it’s finally out! huge thanks to @sawamooora for proof reading this! helped me out a lot <3 sorry for making u sit through that mess x[

 this scene was inspired by that one episode of boys over flowers where the mc’s best friend drops ice cream on the main guy’s shoe and he asks the mc to lick it off...obviously that didn’t happen in the show but it really got me thinking...... 

alsO the netflix show elite,,, i just saw it and knew,,,,

taglist: @mocha-focha​, @erenyeagersbasement​ , @haribo-pop, @sunshine-fangs​, @kuremis​, @amazing-fandoms​,

dm/ inbox/ comment to be added/ removed. 

—navigation

It was a great opportunity. Never in your life would you have thought you’d manage to land a scholarship at the prestigious U.A Private Academy. 

The school was a dream, the best in your city, and only affordable for the rich. Graduating from such a school could have helped you with life in so many different ways. Not only would it open doors you could never touch before, but it would help you to form connections which would make your life undoubtedly easier.

Graduating from U.A. was a blessing, but obviously, it did not come easy. It was rather unfortunate. After your previous school building had collapsed, due to some accident, the board announced its year-long closure.

At the time, you were beyond lost and understandably frustrated - it was your last year before college and you simply couldn't risk waiting the year out. The whole situation was nerve-wracking, looking for decent schools which would allow you in. 

Honestly, you had no idea what you would’ve done if U.A. hadn’t called you that night. 

It was the last day of the summer holidays, a week after your school building had collapsed. Luckily, no one was hurt - but the damage on the campus was severe. 

You had been talking to your friends when your mother rushed into your room with exciting news. Apparently, the chairman of U.A was feeling generous. He had decided to offer four excellent students from your school a scholarship to U.A. 

You were overjoyed being one of the students along with your two other friends; Shinso Hitoshi and Izuku Midoriya. 

At first, the thought was a little scary - going into a completely different world than you were accustomed to. The kids there would be much different than you, you didn't want to be the   laughing stock, you didn’t want to be their silly little entertainment... The thought made you nervous, but when your best friend, Izuku, called you the next night explaining how he also won the scholarship; followed by Shinso, you were relieved. 

Yes, you were stepping into a whole different world but you at least had your two friends with you. 

And that brought you to the first day of school. 

You stood outside the huge gates of the even enormous academy all alone shaking in your little, expensive skirt they forced you to wear as the uniform waiting for your friends. You promised the two boys you’d wait for them, and besides, you weren’t planning on entering the building all alone. 

Your friends, Shinso and Midoriya, lived close to each other. They were supposed to meet you at the gates of the school that morning, but they were running late. Your anxiety grew the longer you stayed there, with students filling the place- arriving in their fancy cars with their expensive bags and accessories. It easily made you feel out of place.

“Hey,” you heard someone before someone tapped on your shoulder. You quickly turned around to greet the voice. Staring back at you was Uraraka Ochaco.

You remembered she was in your school too, Midoriya has a huge crush on her. 

“Yes, Uraraka? Right?” You weren’t close to her, nothing but mere acquaintances. But seeing her face - right here, right now - it made your day. 

Uraraka was dressed in the same uniform as you, there was no doubt that she was one of the four kids who won the scholarship. Both of you talked while you implored her to wait for Midoriya and Shinso. You didn’t fail to notice the way her cheeks turned pink when you mentioned Midoriya. The two of them were so obvious. 

Your friends arrived, they were late, but they came. 

Apparently, there was an accident that forced them to stay back a little longer, but they managed to make it before the first bell. 

“I actually have an old friend who goes there now,” Midoriya confesses out of the blue as the four of you enter the gates. You look at him in awe. 

During the three years in high school that both of you had spent together, he had never mentioned any friend of his going to the U.A. academy ever. 

“Why did you never tell us?” Uraraka asks. 

“well, we’re not on good terms. He used to live in the same neighborhood before his parent’s business took off. He left after middle school.” Midoriya says, a slight frown forming on his face.

“Who is he?” Shinso asks. 

Midoriya pauses briefly before explaining his entire history with a temperamental and rude blonde. Bakugou Katsuki, he calls him. His childhood friend. But from what you managed to gather, Bakugou was anything but a friend to Midoriya. 

Bakugo was once just a simple boy, living a simple life, destined to do great things - but once his parent’s clothing line ‘Dynamite’ blew up and became mainstream, he started drowning in wealth. Bakugo moved out of his old neighborhood at the starting of high school before enrolling in U.A., just like all his rich friends.

“Maybe you should say hi,” Uraraka suggests. Midoriya’s expressions turned sheepish.

“About that…” he started. “I called him yesterday, got his number from mom, and-” he stopped. 

“What did he say?” Shinso asked.

“He told me to get lost and die,” Midoriya said with a slight frown on his face, looking down. 

That was your first impression of Katsuki Bakugou. For a man you had not even met, you sure loathed him. 

School went smoothly for a week, everything was going great. The four of you kept your profile low, didn’t talk until spoken to, kept your distance, and everything was okay. 

People often starred and whispered amongst each other when they saw you in the hallways, but that was about it. Everyone seemed to be decent but… there’s always a but. 

Everything took a turn for the worse when you managed to piss off the wrong person, Bakugo Katsuki himself. 

It was an honest mistake, not even that big of a deal - especially for his standards Yet, for some reason, Bakugo wanted to get under your skin. 

It happened after your lunch break, you were on your way back to your classroom with an ice-cream cone fasted tightly in your hands. You mindlessly dashed through the hallways, trying your best to get back to class as fast as possible - you don’t want to be late. It’d earn you a bad reputation. You don’t need that- you don't want anything which could jeopardize your scholarship. 

You walked straight and took a turn. Just by fate, you bumped into a stiff, hard chest making you wobble on your feet and sending your ice cream from your hand flying straight to the ground.

“Shit,” you cursed, looking down seeing what you had to work with. 

The ice-cream cone splattered on the floor, the white creamy liquid flushed all over the floor along with staining an expensive-looking, black leather boot. A snarl comes from above you along with a group of chuckles. More expensive shoes come into your line of view as you realize you’re not alone. 

You slowly bring your gaze up, ogling at who you just pissed off. 

Staring back at you is a furious blonde, glaring at you with such intensity that it makes your stomach drop. It’s the infamous Bakugou Katsuki, you don’t want to deal with him. 

-

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going,” you don’t give him a chance to complain as you take your flight. Quickly, you try running away but a large hand grabs your forearm, stopping you dead in your tracks. 

You look to the side, deep red eyes stare right back at you. 

“Where are you running off to? Don’t you think you owe my friend here a proper apology?” Kirishima says, his grip on your arm growing tighter. He towers over you, his huge body trapping you with intimidation.

Going to U.A for over a week there’s a thing or two that you’ve learned about the rich, snobby brats who own the school. Not everyone is bad, a few of them are actually but the rest are just bad. 

Bakugou was the worst. From how Midoriya described him, you knew for a fact he’d be a horrible person. But hell, he managed to prove himself even worse. 

He was crude, mean, downright arrogant, and ignorant. Always screaming unasked opinions on top of his lungs, and gets mad whenever someone disagrees. He acts like the world revolves around him.

 Bakugo had a bunch of friends who he called his “followers” and they weren’t any better.

They just watched while Bakugou ruined everything, they were there to support him. 

Kirishima Eijirou the redhead, he was captain of the football team. He was a jock, brawns over brains kind of person. Girls cooed over him and his overly attractive, hot body. It looked as if he was sculpted by God himself. 

Next was Kaminari Denki. He was in the school band, dating the lead singer. And yet, he managed to find time to flirt with other girls. He was the goofball of the group, dumb and stupid But he always knew what he was doing. Even though it was barely noticeable, you could always see a devious glint in those amber eyes of his. 

Sero Hanta was famous for a lot of reasons. Most notably for having brought illegal drugs on the campus and skipping classes to go down to his junkie hangout spot to smoke weed. The man had no shame. Sometimes, he’d walk into the classrooms high as fuck. The teachers couldn’t do anything even if they tried, his parents practically owned the school; he owned the school. There was no going against the tall, lanky man who looked like he couldn’t even smash a bug. He held the most power and his friends sure knew how to abuse it. 

Last but not least was Mina Ashido. The one and only girl member of the self-proclaimed ‘bakusquad’. Sometimes, Jirou Kyouka, the lead singer of the school, would hang out with the boys and her boyfriend, but she wasn’t a permanent member. Mina was. 

In your opinion, Mina was a nightmare dressed like a daydream. With her short, pink hair and bright smile, she seemed like an angel. But she was the devil. Worse than even Bakugou, perhaps. 

She knew everything about everyone, she had leverage galore: screenshots ready to leak, videos ready to ruin lives. She had them all, and frankly- she scared you the most. 

Kirishima pushed you back, and Bakugo caught you by your shoulders. 

“That was fucking rude,” he growled, biting his fingers into your shoulder blades tight and hard making you squeal. “Are you fucking blind or something? Fucking extra.” 

“I said I’m sorry, let me go will you?” Even in such a terrifying situation, you try to remain calm.

“What do you think, Sero?” Kaminari began. Your heart sank, including Sero into anything was never a good sign. 

“She ruined Bakugou’s new shoes,” he continued. Bakugou’s hold on you tightened and you winced, turning back to him and returning his glare. 

“Okay, what do you want?” you give in, finally. A mischievous spark lights up in his crimson eyes as flashes a cocky smirk to his friends before turning back to you with a frown. He pushes you towards Mina and she catches you with an arm around your shoulder. 

“Those were expensive, right?” she looks at you and then back at Bakugou. He grunts, nodding. 

“Fuck yes, I’m pissed as hell. Some fucking extra managed to ruin it.” 

You look back down to steal a glance at his heavy, leather boot. The small, white stain melted away. 

“What will you do to make up for it?” Mina whispers your name and you cringe. They were teasing you. For their fun, they were making fun of you. 

“What can I do?” you say, sarcastically. Prying yourself away from her hold. The crowd goes dead silent before speaking. Sero is the first one to talk. 

“Lick it off.”

There’s a pause, no one speaks. Your stomach drops and your face pales at the look the five of them are giving you- it’s serious. Dead serious. 

Kaminari bursts out laughing followed by Sero and the others. The four of them get a great laugh but Bakugou stares at you head-on with his grave expressions burning through your soul. 

“Whatcha looking at? Do it,” he commands. 

The laughing dies down and Kaminari speaks, “are you serious? You want her to lick your shoe,” he can’t control his laughter, a chuckle breaks with every word. 

“Yes, I’m fucking serious. Besides, Sero recommended it,” he smirks. “Do you really want to say no to him? I don’t know so much about this but-“ he leans down close to your face, his lips ghosting the shell of your ear, “it might complicate your scholarship.” 

There’s a twisted rhythm in his voice. He’s enjoying tormenting you. You still want to believe that they’re just messing around. That they’ll have their laughs and let you go, but the way Sero stares at you says otherwise. 

“You don’t wanna do it?” Bakugou asks. 

“Of course she doesn’t! That’s gross, oh my god.” Mina exclaims, earning a chuckle from the rest of the boys. 

“Hey, let’s hear it from Sero himself.” Kirishima pats Sero’s back, pushing him forward. The five of them have circled around you, coiling you inside their venomous nest with you in the center. You turn to Sero with pleading eyes, looking up at his huge form, begging. 

He smirks looking down at you, you look so tiny beneath bim. He wants to mess with you, even more, you look like a nice toy to him. He wants to play with it until he can’t. 

“I guess, I did say that-” your blood runs cold, heartbeat picking up in nervousness. “-but you don’t need to do it.” He finishes. Your face lights up while the others groan in disappointment. Bakugou looks livid. 

“Just know that, you’re the one who dropped the ice cream on Bakugou’s shoe and now you’re not even helping him out. That’s not very noble, is it? I don’t know if I even by mistake slipped that info back home- my parents might reconsider whether you truly deserve to be here or not. They don’t really like disrespectful kids who comprise the school’s name.” 

Sero ends his speech with a wide, ear-to-ear grin, followed by a pat to your head. 

“The choice is yours.”  

You pause for a moment and think. Where they were really going to make you do it, where they were really going to humiliate you like this. They were. But were you willing to do it? 

From Sero’s threat, you could tell he was serious, this was legit. 

It wouldn’t have been the first time the school expelled someone who had beef with Sero, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. They don’t care about anyone but their loving son. They wouldn’t even think once before expelling you.

“What’s your answer, princess?” Kirishima teases.

 Mina and Kaminari once again break into fits of laughter.

“What do you mean? She doesn’t have a choice here, kneel you extra.” Your heart hammers in your chest as Bakugou gestures you to kneel. You stop for a second, breathing unevenly- thinking. After a long, thoughtful sigh, you answer. 

“No, I am not going to do it.” Your voice is meek yet clear. Even though you’re trembling under the heavy gazes of five snakes, you choose to stand your ground. 

Bakugou glaring at you while the others boo. 

“Aw, c’mon you don’t mean that.” 

“Don’t be a little brat.” 

Bakugou stays silent while the others continue to throw insults at you -  calling you names and trying to make you regret your decision. You look straight forward into Bakugou’s cold, red eyes, searching for his next move. Your heart beats even harder in your chest with increased anxiety. After watching your torment for more than a few minutes, Bakugo decides he’s had enough of this game.

“Hey, shitty hair,” Bakugo starts. “Punch me.” 

“What?” Kirishima asks, vividly shaken. “Why do you want me to hit you, Bakubro?” 

“Punch me real hard, give me a black eye.” The confusion grows greater on everyone’s faces. You stare at him in awe, wondering what angle was trying to play. 

Kirishima raises his hands in defense. “Woah, dude slow down there. I’m not just going to punch you.” 

Bakugou clicks the roof of his tongue, letting out a sound of irritation. “You all are just dumb,” he starts.

“Imagine if this punny, little,” he leans down closer to you till his lips touch your ears and whispers your name with a crude chuckle. “Were to drop all her food over me, not apologize, punch and me then run away, that’d bring her into a whole world of trouble. Wouldn’t it?” 

Bakugo’s words are calculated and sly, he knows exactly what he’s getting at when he starts. His voice fills you up with dread as he makes his accusations public.

“She would be expelled on spot and Kacchan could also raise charges,” Kaminari adds. 

Your eyes widen in fear. 

“Yeah, I’ll fucking do that.” Mina giggles. “That would succck,” she cheers. Your lower lip quivers as you stare at them in disbelief, your eyes open wide only to be covered with fear. 

“Hey, c’mon, why are you doing this to me?” You feel them inch closer to you, their warmth leeching onto you the longer you stay surrounded by them. 

“Because you have no fucking manners.” Bakugou snarls. 

“Kiri, punch him. What are you waiting for? If you don’t wanna do it I will!” Kaminari cries, growing impatient. 

Kirishima laughs before he charges Bakugou. Your heart hammers in your chest. 

You think about your family, your future, and how disappointed everyone would be with you. Your dreams and aspirations, all were rooted in this school. 

It was honestly sad, pathetic even. Your entire future was just a joke to these spoiled kids. These kids who could control you, and everyone else,  with just a flick of their fingers. It’s unfortunate, but that’s the price to pay for a piece of the beautiful cake known as U.A... You resign yourself to your fate.

A piece of your mind. 

“N-no, don’t do that. I-I’ll do it,” you murmured, your voice timid and weak. The five paused looking at each other with an ominous glint in their eyes. Bakugou was the first to speak. 

“Well, then fucking get on with it. On your knees.” Obediently like a trained puppy, you got down onto your knees, not letting your eyes fall from Bakugou’s face. His red, fierce eyes barked at you with an unknown look, keeping you lost. 

“Holy shit, she’s actually doing this,” Mina squealed watching you lean forward, bringing your face next to Bakugou’s expensive boots.

“Kaminari, record this.” Sero taps at the energetic blonde, forcing him to take his phone out and hit ‘record’. As you lean further to the ground, your short skirt rides up behind you, giving the audience a clear view of your round ass and pastel panties. The sight brings a smile to Bakugou’s face as he scoffs. 

“Cute panties,” he remarks. 

You jerk, trying desperately to sit back, but Bakugo stops you. Smashing his other foot on top of your shoulder, he holds you there facing the ground.

“Don’t. You. Dare.” he growls.

You squirm, almost falling under his weight and as much you hate to admit it, a tingle of excitement runs down your spine. This was turning you on.

 A row of whistles flood in, the boys start teasing you and praising Bakugou. 

“Lick it off,”  he commands. 

You look down at his leather boot, the ice cream almost melted. There’s still a bright white spot of the sweet now liquid splayed out. Even though it’s not a lot, it still makes you cringe. You peek your shy, little tongue out timidly, forcing yourself to do the heinous deed. 

Bakugou watches you hesitate and pushes on your shoulder harder making you reach towards him. 

You give in after a final attempt, diving into his wishes. Your wet tongue touches the rough, cold leather. You cringe after a single touch, closing your eyes and scrunching your nose at the salty taste. “Clean it all off,” he commands.

You dive back in, this time letting your tongue glide across a larger portion. The humiliation burns through your body. It makes you uncomfortably hot, mostly from anger and but a little bit of arousal.

“Nice ass.” 

There it is. The excitement comes back the moment they start making suggestive comments, the attention riles you up and it’s horrible. 

“Kaminari are you even supposed to be here? Don’t you have a girlfriend?” Mina asks at the blonde pervert who was currently zooming on your ass. 

“Oh? We’re cool as long as I don’t stick my dick her,” he points to you. “That’s hella fucking tempting but I’m in love, dude.” He chuckles to himself, thinking about his girlfriend. 

They treat you like an object, talking about you like you were some sort of a toy. 

“Bet her pussy is tight,” Sero says. 

Kirishima turns to Bakugou, looking at him with pleading eyes. “Yo, Bakubro, can we touch her?” 

Bakugou looks on from watching you lick his boot and turns to Kirishima. A dark, unsettling gaze falls across his eyes as he speaks, “No. This one is mine.” he stares down at you. 

You stop lapping on his shoe and stand back on your knees, buckling your knees you try to get up but Bakugou harshly kicks your shoulder, throwing you back and making you cry. 

“Why did you do that?” you squeal, holding onto your bruised shoulder, glaring at him intently. 

The rest of the group goes quiet at the display of Bakugou’s sudden violence. 

He stands between your thighs, lazily resting his foot atop of your soft thighs. 

“You’re fucking pathetic, you know that?” the angle you were spread out in had your skirt flipped over hips, displaying your pretty, pastel panties to everyone in the room. 

Even though it’s subtle, masked by everyone’s fear of what Bakugou was planning, you still feel everyone’s gaze focused right on you and more specifically at your clothed cunt. Bakugou presses hard on your thigh making you cry. 

“Useless Deku’s friends are just like him. The fucking second you walked in here, I knew you were just another useless insect for me to stomp on.” He pauses, smirking, pressing his foot onto you even harder, twisting his ankle to increase the burning sting surging across your right thigh. “And I’m doing just that.” 

He steps off you for a moment, letting you catch your breath and recover from the burn. His eyesight travels lower down to your panties. He admires the cute pair you had on. Normally when he’d see girls naked, they’d dress themselves up the most luxurious to match his standards. But that’s not you, that could never be you. 

He rejoices at the thought of seeing your flushed, tear-stained face breaking down under him. You’ll never be like those girls, always a step behind. He can build you up and break you however he likes, you’d have no say in it. 

The power trip drives him crazy. 

He presses the tip of his boot over your clothed clothed cunt, pushing the hard material right over your sensitive clit. 

You gasp at the feeling, looking up at him with terrified eyes. He smirks down at you, moving his foot in a steady rhythm, rubbing the fabric of your cotton panties against your little pearl. 

“This turning you on? What a freak.” The rest of his group basks in shock. They watch intently as the scene spiraled out for them, too captivated to make any comments. They just keep quiet and stare. 

The way you squirm under Bakugou as he plays with your cute clit so unforgivingly makes them hot with excitement. Kaminari feels a little guilty but he blames it on his nature as a man.

Sero feels a little bad for you, they all do. But then again they wouldn’t waste the opportunity to be in Bakugou’s footsteps- literally. 

“You’re a little slut, you know that?” Bakugou sneers. 

Your gasps turn into whimpers as his simulation becomes harder. You clench your fists, desperately wishing it to be over. Tears brim in your eyes at the sheer humiliation of your corrupted form. This was just too much, too much for you to handle. 

“Please, stop,” you beg, knowing he wouldn't listen. “I’ll report you,” you cry.  A roar of laughter starts, shutting you up. 

“Go for it, you do that.” Mina comments. Kaminari walks closer to you, bringing the camera down to your face recording your horrified expressions. 

“We’ll just go ahead and post this online.” he threatens. 

A drop of tear falls down your waterline following a waterfall. You cry, leave all of your dignity behind and cry. You beg them to stop but as your pleas mix with your moans, it’s hard for anyone to understand what you’re saying. It’s not like they don’t know what you’re asking them for, they just turn deaf, simply because they can. 

Bakugou stops, he takes a step back, leaving you alone. You let out the tiniest cry when he leaves, ditching you just when you need his touch the most. 

“Feels like I’m doing too much of the work, if you want it so bad, do this yourself.” He says. Your body still burns with desire, your clit still hard and cunt salivating, you are nowhere close to being done... 

It’s as if something takes over and you are possessed by the dire need to cum, you do exactly as he says. 

You snake your fingers down your panties, deliberately rubbing on your swollen little clit before pushing your finger into your drenched cunt. You cry out as you clench around your finger, the pleasure becoming unbearable. Your legs shake and you close your eyes shut. 

You stay there on the floor, fingering yourself in the corridor, without any shame, while Kaminari records all of it. 

“She’s gonna give me a hard-on,” Kirishima says and you moan.

“She really is a slut, huh?” Sero comments. 

“She’s cute,” Mina adds with a smile. 

Bakugou scoffs, “does Deku know how much of a whore you are?” He asks. 

You don’t pay any attention to what he says, too busy bringing yourself to your climax.

“You’re getting all this right?” Mina looks over Kaminari’s shoulder and onto the phone screen which captures you beautifully losing yourself for everyone to see. 

“You close?” Bakugou asks as you feel yourself clench around fingers tightly, he bends down on his and pulls your panties down your hips, admiring your precious cunt. 

“Cute pussy,” he remarks before flicking your sensitive, hardened clit.

A rush of pleasure washes down your body as you cry while cumming. Bakugou pushes you right over the edge, a nasty grin screaming atop his face as he watches you. You curse at yourself for letting him see you like this, but there’s not much you can do but cry while you feel your juices gush around you before sliding down your thighs and onto the dirty floor. 

It takes a second for you to calm down and when you do come to your senses, dread fills you up. Tears shamelessly fall down your face as you realize what you just did. The others laugh at you, without feeling any remorse. 

Bakugou continues to stare at you with an unsettling look, while the others discuss the heinous crime you’ve just committed. 

Sero looks down at you and you catch his dark eyes staring at you. A toothy grin scavenges his face as he speaks. 

“Awesome,” he says as if he just finished some mediocre movie. 

Finally, you find the courage to get up and run. 

This was totally not awesome. 

#tw: noncon #tw: dubcon #tw: blackmail #tw: filming w/o consent #bakugou.🧡 #plaything #bakugou x reader #yandere bakugou #yandere!bakugou #yandere bakugou smut #bakugou x reader smut #bakugou x you #bakugou x fem!reader #bakugou x y/n #bakugou katsuki #bakugou smut #bakugou headcanons #bakugou #bnha bakugou #kirishima x reader #sero x reader #kaminari x reader #mina x reader #bnha #bnha fanfiction #bnha smut #bnha x reader #bnha yandere #fanfiction #my hero academia

[yniswaifu]

The bet - 2

"Y/N!"

You turn to look at Atsumu walking towards you, stomping his feet. He had a deep frown on his face, and it could be said he was pissed. Very very pissed.

Instinctively Osamu stood in front of you, stretching out his arm to shield you. You had come to meet him before his practice began that day – since it was a weekend with no school, the volleyball team did practice the whole day, as per Kita's order.

But of course, that wasn't very helpful as Atsumu shoved his brother to the side and stood very close to you, his flaring breath fanning your face.

You were anticipating this, not going to lie.

"why did you do that?" he asks, glaring at you.

Close proximity from anyone except your boyfriend made you uncomfortable, so you step back and turn your head to the side. "that was the right thing to d–"

You got cut off and Atsumu grabs your t-shirt collar and yanks you upwards. Your feet barely touched the floor and the area around your underarms hurt from the stretched cloth. Osamu, even though confused by the whole situation, could never see his girlfriend get manhandled by anyone, let alone his own sibling. He quickly comes in between you and Atsumu, and pushes him away.

"what the heck are you doing!?" he yells. Thankfully you guys were near the empty volleyball court or there could be a crowd forming already.

"what am I doing? Ask your girlfriend what she did!" the blonde twin counter-yells.

Osamu turns to see you already staring at him. The reason you decided to meet him was to tell him about yesterday. But his brother beat you to it.

You kept quiet while Osamu waited for you to say something. Sighing, you said, "I told f/n how Atsumu started dating her because of a bet."

Osamu's eyes widened. You could see disappointment flashing through his eyes, and that made you want to cry. But you kept your stand.

"why would you do that y/n? You know Atsumu likes her for real, and we had decided we'll leave the bet thing behind us."

Now you really wanted to cry. You wanted to yell at them about the fake foundation the relationship was based on, and how unhealthy and shameful the whole situation was, but you kept quiet. Moreover, you kept quiet as the two boys stared at you for an answer, as you know saying anything will only hurt you more. Not that your boyfriend taking his brother's side in an instant hadn't already done the damage.

Rolling your eyes, you looked at Atsumu and said, "I did what I thought was right. If she broke up with you then that's not my fault." turning to Osamu you continued, "this is what I had come to tell you. So, now you know. I'll take my leave."

And with that, you left the two and returned home.

***

You spent the weekend crying every now and then. The break up with Osamu had become almost official in your head (due to the overthinking), and you knew he wouldn't want to be with a 'snitch'. How could he trust you anymore when you went ahead and announced the secret to the last person who should know about it. But no matter how much you tried to think about it, what you did felt right. You were guilty for being part of such an action, and after imagining yourself in f/n's place, you felt bad. Because if Osamu had approached you as part of a dare, you wouldn't like it at all. So It's better to let the truth out, even if means you can't be with the boy of your dreams.

The boy of your dreams...

The tears fell harder thinking how you have to stay away from Osamu now. How you couldn't talk to him. Or hug him. Or kiss him. How you won't be hearing his sweet words only reserved for you anymore. Break up sucks.

On Monday, you walked to school alone, entered the class alone, and sat alone. There was no gray haired boy to walk with you to school, or hug you before you entered the class, or spend time with you before the bell rang for the first class. It was lonely, but you had to accept the reality.

One more thing, you didn't want to face Atsumu. After what happened, Atsumu might as well kill you if he sees you again. You loved your life, and you were glad at times like this that you and them belonged to different sections.

The bell rang and you decided to focus in the class, which was both productive and a good distraction. Not that you succeeded much. But you managed till the lunch break.

Ah, time for the students to take a break.

At this time usually either you would head to Osamu's class or he will come to yours, and then you would go to the canteen together. But from now on, you're on your own. And worse, you might see them.

Dragging your feet towards the canteen, you avoided everyone the best you could, and reached early. You bought your food, and rushed out before you saw a mop of gray or blonde head. Thankfully, you were able to escape and is back in your class. I'm bringing my own lunch from tomorrow, you think.

The whole day passes just like that, with you being by yourself and going home, by yourself.

The next day you repeat the routine, feeling a little less anxious. You thought you could avoid the twins like you did the previous day, but you were forgetting about the other two boys you knew.

Halfway through your food during the break time, you see a shadow looming over you. Your hands froze as you thought Osamu was here. But you couldn't be sure. So you just kept looking down.

"where were you yesterday?" a deep voice asks you.

Wait a minute, this isn't Osamu or Atsumu.

You look up to see a pair of narrowed slanted eyes looking at you. "Suna?" you ask, bewildered. You had completely forgotten about him. Or Ginjima for that matter.

He kept staring at you, an eyebrow raised and hands in his pocket. Suna was one of the quietest person you have met. But let's not mistake his quiet demeanor with shyness. He just didn't talk a lot as it was a waste of time for him, but he also wouldn't back down from recording whenever the twins fought. He was the quiet bastard.

You stared at the fox lookalike towering over you, wondering why he came to you, and why he's standing in front of your desk. All you wanted was to finish your lunch in peace.

"well?" he asks.

Sighing, you look down at your lunchbox when you hear the chair in front of you screech and someone sitting on it. "you're talking as if you don't know what happened." you answer softly, not looking at the boy sitting in front of you.

Suna scoffed, "is that why you're avoiding everyone? Because you snitched on us and told f/n about the bet we had placed a couple of months back?"

You kept quiet. So It's clear it was discussed among the boys. Well. The more the merrier, you think.

"honestly, I had forgotten all about it."

You looked up to see Suna smiling at you. It wasn't sarcastic, or seemed to be holding any malice towards you. Why...

"not surprising. All you care about is volleyball and enjoying the fight between the Miyas." you say, a small smile coming off your own.

Suna laughs a little, before his face turns to the usual poker. "you ain't wrong..."

You suddenly felt relaxed. Somehow the anxiety of confrontation left you, seeing you're still smiling while munching on your food.

Suna stares into space while you eat, a comfortable silence between you. You weren't sure what he was thinking, but seeing his relaxed state, you guessed it was nothing about you.

"why now? Of all the time?"

Maybe you guessed too soon. There it was. Confrontation.

Gulping down the last bit, you sigh (Wow, you've been sighing a lot.). You were tired. After four months of keeping it in, and then trying to explain why you did what you did, you didn't feel like talking about it anymore.

"better late than never." you answered.

Suna's eyebrows raised at your words. It almost felt like you wanted him to solve the question himself with those words. Like, the situation was obvious enough to be understood without any explanation.

"right...but we did decide not to tell her." he retorts.

This time you scoffed at his words. What bullshit. "not tell her...sure. Let her believe Atsumu actually liked her when he pointed at her before his serve at the game, something he has never done for anyone. Let f/n believe he waited for her after the game, to take her home. Let her believe he meant all that sweet talk he told her. Let her believe everything was GENUINE from the start. And there wasn't any bet we had with Atsumu when you realized she's the only person who hasn't paid any attention to him."

Your eyes looked furious by this point and you were pissed. Suna knew he was treading on thin ice, and you were about to snap, but he decided to take this further.

"but Atsumu fell for her for real after some time."

"if you're here to defend him and our actions then I suggest you leave."

He raised his hand in surrender. He didn't want to piss you off further. "I'm sorry, jeez."

Rolling your eyes, you rested your chin on your palm and stared outside. You didn't want to blast at anyone in the school.

"anyway, I wasn't here for that. I came here for a different reason, and I got distracted. Sorry for pissing you off." Suna spoke up.

You didn't look at him, but still replied. "apologise to f/n Suna, not me."

He smirked. He knew himself deep down, what they did was wrong. F/n was a nice person, and she didn't deserve any of that. So what y/n did was correct, even if that kinda ruined her relations with others, and Suna admired that. Not like he was going to tell her that.

"I will. In fact, after school" he says, his voice a bit solemn.

This time you look at him.

"I'm glad." you say. You didn't want to lecture Suna. He was a 17 year old teenager after all, with a sensible head between his shoulders. He can make his own decisions, just like you did.

Maybe for the first time, you saw Suna give a proper smile to you. Most of the time he would either have a smirk, or have a poker face. But you never saw him smile like he's doing this time.

"wow, I've never seen you smile like that before." you say, without thinking.

Suna looks a bit surprised but still smiles. "now you have."

You giggle and nod. Suna then gets up and turns to leave but stop. Facing you again, he says. "the main reason why I came here was to ask your help for an assignment. And I'm not great in that subject. So after I've apologised and sorted everything between me and f/n, will you consider helping me?"

You look at his poor attempt to plead. It didn't suit him at all. So you give him a smile and say, "first you apologise. Then I'll think about it."

Suna narrowed his eyes at you, amused by your antics. "very well." he says and bids you goodbye before exiting the class.

You shake your head at the retreating figure and smile to yourself. Of course you were going to help him.

Maybe it wasn't so bad after all...

Here's chapter 2. I know much wasn't revealed, but it gets better (at least in my head). Stay tuned.

Have a beautiful day. ✌️

Shout out to @nyxagape for being the first ever person to comment in the first ever chapter I wrote for my first ever fanfic. Thanks a lot man!

#Haikyuu #Miya twins #Atsumu x reader #Osamu x reader #Haikyuu imagines #Scenarios #Suna #haikyuu ginjima #@nyxagape

[kissinginkitchens]

Holiday Character Tag

You Bring Me Home edition // Alani Hale

hi friends!! I saw this really cute trend started by @oh-honey-styles and I wanted to join the fun so without further ado, here’s Christmas—Halani—edition from our girl Alani herself ♡

• How do you plan to spend the holidays?

Sooo since Harry and I both have very low tolerances for snow, we’ve decided to spend Christmas with my family in Hawai’i! H actually hasn’t been back to the island since he started recording his first album and he’s excited to catch some much needed sun and waves. We’ve talked about maybe getting a place of our own in Kona some day, but New York City has grown on me quite a bit and Harry says he’s home wherever I am, so for now we’ll just visit. We also plan to stop in London for a few days and see his family before heading back to NYC for New Years. Anne sent me a photo of my very own stocking above her fireplace the other day and I nearly dissolved into a puddle of tears on the floor. Needless to say, I think it’s going to be the best Christmas yet ♡

• What’s your favorite holiday tradition?

Christmas parades are kind of a big deal in Hawai’i. Every year, the café serves as the staging area for all the carolers, dancers, and workers who put on our local parade, so it’s kind of like one big neighborhood party. It’s a little too warm for hot chocolate, so we usually serve what Pua has nicknamed “Santa Smoothies,” which are basically just watermelon slushees with a bit of whipped cream on top. Afterwards, my family usually heads down to the beach and has a little campfire with kalua pork sandwiches. I can’t wait for Harry to experience it.

• Will you be kissing someone under the mistletoe this year?

Hmmm, good question. I asked Harry if he thinks James Marsden will kiss me under the mistletoe this year and this was his reaction:

• What is the best thing that happened to you this year?

Reuniting with Harry was definitely the best thing that happened to me this year. We both grew a lot in our time apart, and in many ways I think that made our relationship stronger, but it also made me realize how much I never want to spend another second without him. Harry is my best friend, and we understand each other in ways that no one else quite can. When we were broken up, I kept finding myself thinking about him in the most mundane situations. There’s a little record shop near my apartment and I’d sometimes imagine what songs he’d pick out for me. Even the sunrise itself seemed to bring back fond memories of the one person I wanted to be with the most. It didn’t help that his face was plastered on every goddamn skyscraper in Times Square, but I digress. Anyways, we’ve been back together now for almost a whole year, and it feels as though we never missed a beat. Harry still looks at me like I’m made of gold, kisses me like I’m his only source of air, and holds me like he doesn’t ever want to let go. And he won’t, neither will I. So to offer a more serious answer to your previous question, Harry is the person I will kiss under the mistletoe this year and every year for the rest our lives.

Mele Kalikimaka friends! ♡ Alani

#thank you for reading!! maybe check out ybmh while you’re at it👀 #harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagine #harry styles fic #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fluff #ybmh

[x0401x]

Kagerou Poject Reboot: RealSound Interview

Jin x Shirakami Mashirou x Yuumao

Their takes on the changes that each of them has witnessed in the past ten years and the things they have been seeing in the whirlpool that is the VOCALOID scene.

Translation commissioned by the amazing @sodasexual​!

Celebrating the tenth anniversary of Kagerou Project, the Re:boot project has commenced. An interview has been carried out to ask about its background and prospects.

The ones we have interviewed are a trio consisting of the author of Kagerou Project and multi-creator Jin, as well as Shirakami Mashirou (bass) and Yuumao (drums/Hitorie), who are also production members of the original music piece and were listed as the performance team of “Children Record (Re:boot)”, which was released the other day as the first part of the Re:boot project.

We had them talk about the true intentions behind “Re:boot”, which means “to restart”, about the recordings where they created the concept of “overcoming the original composition” and about the near future, including the new song, along with the steps they have taken in the past ten years.

The “pain” that comes with creating something unprecedented.

——How did Kagerou Project’s Re:boot project begin?

Jin: Kagerou Project was set into motion back in 2011, so this year is the turning point of ten years since then. In that meantime, there were lots of things I fretted over, but as I discussed with the people around me about whether there was anything I could do, we came up with the idea of “remaking the old compositions”. I thought if that’s what we were going to do, then I wanted to try doing it with the original members of Children Record, so I contacted the two.

——How did each of you feel when Shirakami Mashirou-san and Yuumao-san received the proposal of a remake?

Jin: Regarding Mashirou-san, I was contacting him for the first in a long time. “Let’s go out for a drive,” I told him.

Shirakami: Right, right. We went on a car drive together. Just us seeing each other already felt nostalgic in itself, so we talked like normal about lots of things and were like, “Yeah, it was fun back then”. I felt that “Aah, I’m looking forward to this”.

Jin: While talking to the staff, I honestly felt uneasy about creating something new, even though it was a remake. If I had to use a word to represent these ten years in which I’ve been writing novels and making music for Kagerou Project, it was extremely “painful” to me. So I wanted to talk to Mashirou-san first-thing. On a different occasion, when a staff member asked me, “Have you been keeping in contact with Mashirou-san lately?”, I suggested, “If it’s okay, can I contact him myself?”, and then invited him for the drive. Rather than the request for the remake, I firstly wanted to discuss with him, “I’m planning on doing this thing; what do you think?”

Shirakami: There was one more person taking part in that drive, right?

Jin: That’s right. Since the coronavirus was going on, we went driving in three separate cars, and the third person was INPNE-kun, who made the video of Children Record Re:boot. That was INPINE-kun and Mashirou-san’s first meeting. At that time, INPNE-kun hadn’t started working on the video yet, but thinking back on it now, I’m glad the two of them were introduced to each other that way. It feels like our hearts bound the music and the video together.

——Yuumao-san, what about you?

Yuumao: Jin-kun and I were seeing each other constantly. I had received a request to tackle the recordings of the songs he had been making until now. Amidst that, there was a day when I received a request, amongst other matters, and was scheduled to “record Children Record”. Up to around three days before the recording, I spent my time wondering, “What’s this supposed to be?” (laughs).

——Jin-san, what did you think when choosing Shirakami-san and Yuumao-san, the original duo?

Jin: I only felt that I wanted to do it with these two. I didn’t have any other choice in the first place. I’m awfully fond of the contents that they performed in the original song, and I had no complaints other than towards my own abilities for making musical arrangements.

——You said earlier that “the past ten years were extremely painful”, but what kind of feeling was it?

Jin: The year when I began these activities, 2011, was the time when I was attending a vocational school; the band I was playing with back then disbanded midway, but by sheer coincidence, the older brother of a friend of mine was using VOCALOIDs and he taught me about them, so I really started doing it without any backing. Having played in a band until then, there was a lot of passion and many messages that I wanted to convey inside me, so this project was about me taking them and beginning to paddle off, and one of the aspects of it was that VOCALOID made the things I wanted to do into a reality. But that was a period where it felt like the VOCALOID culture wasn’t yet acknowledged. On top of that, other than the music, Kagerou Project had novels, and a lot of it had no precedents, so I believe there were parts of it that were difficult to understand for people who weren’t already into it. I didn’t know if the path I was going through was right or wrong. But the people around me kept telling me “not to take my foot off the accelerator”. In that sense, I definitely have negative memories of it. I also had the feeling that I was estranged from the music scene.

——Indeed, the music of Kagerou Project is unmistakably rock, and I believe it was something that pierced through Japan’s rock culture, but I think you might have felt that you were not understood by the rock bands of back then.

Jin: That’s right. Surprisingly, the people around me, including creators and those who were in bands, gave off an air of ridicule with a “he’s a faker” kind of nuance to it. I understood the awesomeness of rock bands, so of course, there were times when I’d wonder, “What is it that I’m doing?”. During these ten years, there was a moment halfway when I almost broke down. Due to many primary factors, I might’ve been unable to go on – like, there was a time when I found myself thinking that it was weird to keep it up while I was so at loss. There was also a period where I was unable to create anything for Kagerou Project.

——When did that happen, exactly?

Jin: Rather than breaking down all of a sudden, it’s more like I slowly became unable to create any more. Although I was being criticized on one side, I was also being demanded on another, so I was at a level where I was obligated to write. However, while all sorts of emotions were whirling up, I suddenly thought of something. There was a time when I got closure from that feeling of “not being acknowledged” that I mentioned earlier.

——When was that?

Jin: Around the time when I was making the previous album (“Mekakucity Reload”, which was released in November 2018). I was called “inexperienced” and “unskilled” not only in the rock scene but also in the light novel scene, so I made effort to sweep it all away. It felt like I was being treated like a tumor in everything I did. But then I suddenly thought, “Yeah, that’s fine”. There was a moment one day when the mists actually cleared, like, “What was I so at loss about?” It’s not like I’ve been going at it just so that someone would praise me. If anything, I lived my life constantly being made fun of. I’m no good at sports, I’m not smart, and I by no means did I ever excel at communicating with people at all. By the moment that I thought, if this is my character, then maybe being praised isn’t the only right answer, I was suddenly alleviated. If I’m being called a “child deceiver”, then I’m going to do that with all my might and apply myself to it, is what I thought. I refused to go to school for a while when I was in middle school, yet I had the feeling that I wanted to face this part of me, not in a fashionable or trendy way but in a miserable state, and fight him head-on. I guess that’s what suited me best. To me, Shirakami-san and Yuumao-san are people with a “chosen vision”. They have the sense to perceive beauty. I think I don’t have that in me. Which is why I was in pain. I was in a dilemma where I couldn’t grasp music as an art. However, it’s not like I’m making fun of hamburgers, but I started to think that I wanted to compete using something punk, something hamburger-like. It took me a while to get there.

——How do you feel after listening to what Jin-san just said, Yuumao-san and Shirakami-san?

Yuumao: Jin-kun said just now that he was “fretting” and “stuck”, but I knew about his circumstances to a certain extent, so I imagined that he was unable to move on. But while talking about all sorts of things with Jin-kun, when producing stuff in the last three to four years, we had the feeling that it basically boils down to “if we don’t provide this and that, it won’t be interesting”. This isn’t limited to KagePro – I just personally felt that the productions of his works were shifting towards not “making something good”, but rather making something that could be properly verbalized. For me, as someone on the performing side, I was also in a situation where, rather than just providing good content one way or another, I became increasingly able to explain it. In the end, we change just like that, is what I felt. And you base yourself on this to make new songs, right?

Jin: That’s right.

Yuumao: Thought so. That’s why I feel like the stuff that will come from you in the future will have stronger colors.

——Shirakami-san, what about you? How did the scenario change in the past decade and how do you think that you have been progressing as a musician?

Shirakami: The biggest change that I felt the most on my skin is that the huge Vocaloid movement itself has completely gained familiarity with the public in the last ten years. About a while after I had started associating with Mafumafu-kun, amongst the musicians that I’ve met, the number of people who came up to tell me, “I’ve been listening to Vocaloid” has increased. It’s been one round ever since we began doing this stuff, and the people who were the consumers back then became producers, is what I mean. That’s not us, the first generation – it’s a kind of follower generation, and we’ve completely permeated them. The context of what was born not only from VOCALOID but also the so-called internet culture has blended with the category named “ordinary rock bands”. That’s what I’ve been feeling for three or four years now. Therefore, the “feeling of being a knock-off” that Jin-kun innitially talked about has disappeared with the change of times, so to speak. I feel this keenly even in regards to myself and I think it’s an objective truth. However, from a personal point of view, even though changes are happening in many places, what is fundamentally required of us hasn’t changed much. For example, I believe that VTubers are also getting public familiarity now, but I think the reason why VTubers are trendy is that there are human beings underneath. For VOCALOID, too, the composers, so-called Vocalo-P’s, are the ones who get popularity, and one way or another, there’s also a phenomenom where the songs sung by popular Utaite become widespread. In the end, I think what matters is the fact that there are people behind it. I personally think we have to create stuff that we can be proud of while paying close attention to these things. In short, just because all internet content is intangible isn’t enough; we, the creators, have to carry the literacy of how society is going to approve of us.

Jin: That’s right. I think that VOCALOID music up to this point, Kagerou Project included, will have to be supplemented. Since we have words that are so easy to understand, such as “rock band”, “singer” and “songwriter”, for example, people go, “What the heck is a Vocalo-P, then?” At first, there was this impression that we were being given a weird alias by strangers, and I also felt like the adults, the people who are in control of the media, made us into something easy to digest. In regards to “deceiving children”, in order to earn money the fastest with it and make it spread the widest, the most effective method was probably to make it marketable, simple to understand and easy for adults to put labels on.

Therefore, I think that things such as “What is it that I can’t give up on?” and “What did I even want to do to begin with?” are the true identity of the realization that I mentioned earlier. It’s like wondering whether or not you can say aloud in the middle of a classroom that you “enjoy anime” or “really like cute characters”. Back in those days, I couldn’t to it at all. The class had castes. But I want to say this in a loud voice. Rather than trendy and fashionable overseas music, I much sooner believe in Summon Night EX-THESE’s theme song (“Byakuya” by Matsumoto Eiko) and other such music that I’ve always liked. Therefore, I want to start off from the fact that people think, “Aah, this guy has no sense”. It’s like I’m saying sorry to my middle school second-year self for almost forgetting the feelings I had back then. I seriously don’t care about winning. Being number one or being famous doesn’t matter at all to me. Only, I just don’t want people to act on their own accord like I’m a loser. I think that means I want to do something to fix this.

Earning recognition for creating KagePro content is still a few ways ahead.

——Back in 2013, we had a conversation between Jin-san and Suganami Eijun-san from THE BACK HORN, and back then, Jin-san said, “I’m handing bombs over to my grade school and middle school selves”. And that live concerts were the detonators.

Jin: That’s right.

——Regarding KagePro, I feel that this thing about “handing bombs over” is very prominent. Just as Shirakami-san said, VOCALOID “earned its own rights”, but in KagePro’s case, when I see the responses to the reboot, each and every one of the comments is very passionate.

Yuumao: Lately, be it with KagePro or Hitorie, the number of people who say either that they’re listening or had been listening to VOCALOID in the past year and a half has truly increased a lot. I kind of feel on my skin that many people are getting rooted in it.

——Jin-san, do you feel this too?

Jin: No, I don’t. This is a twisted way of putting it, but I think it’s a few ways ahead for us to receive that evaluation. I feel like it’s not over yet. When I started off by myself and decided to move on from my child self to the future, I wasn’t acknowledged by my elders and seniors. I feel inside me that this still isn’t over. I intend to be in a whirlpool. It hasn’t been proven yet whether I’m a knock-off or not. It makes me really happy that there are people who were influenced by us, but that opinion doesn’t make me change my mind.

——Jin-san, how do you think of KagePro in the near future?

Jin: When I look toward the future, I simply want to finish it. I will be taking my time to create content, but first things first, I want to devote myself to the completion of this project. I definitely won’t abandon it midway. I have this firmly in mind now. As for its contents, it’s mainly two things. For now, firstly, we have started the reboot from Children Record, but of course, there’s also a reboot for the project’s story. Moreover, there will be new developments coming next. There are also new songs and new stuff story-wise. And I want to do them with these two members, for as much as they allow. There’s the possibility that I’ll be making the drums play at 200 BPM when we’re in our 50’s. I think the announcements will be slow, but I’m very positive about this, so I myself am looking forward to it too. And, on the other hand, I also would like to ask these two for their ideas in regards to making music for this project and their opinions, like what they want to work hard on.

——What do you mean?

Jin: I honestly think that Children Record was extremely well-done. When it comes to creating something new, I want to destroy the approach that I’ve been using until now. How about it?

Shirakami: If we’re talking about approach, I believe we’ve been witnessing all sorts of possibilities. We went to studios together the past ten years for that, but we can also do it online like we did this time. Ah, we haven’t gone on a training camp yet.

Jin: I want to go on one.

Yuumao: For sure.

Shirakami: That might be interesting too. Now, if we’re talking just about the bass, it seems this production will turn out as one where I’ll get to confirm once again up to what point I can go – that’s what I thought when listening to you talk. I think the stance of trying to challenge yourself no matter how much you age is, of course, the way that musicians should be and I believe that challenging myself is the path I’m going to take, but there are genres, ideologies and aestheticss when it comes to music makers and performers. Personally, amongst the things that I’ve been producing together with Jin-kun until now, whenever we had a subject in front of us, we would only think about how to do our utmost to give a displayable form to it, but be it with the phrasing, nuance or melody, I feel like we have options for all of them. In a sense, there’s a side of Yuumao and I that has been branded as performers as we worked on productions with Jin-kun. So the extension of the straight line that we have been charting until now is, of course, still there. Now that ten years have passed, if I can make new songs with you from now on, I seriously think it might be okay to reflect once again on how my style is being processed. It’s as if it has matured. I have chosen this job out of free will, so one way or another, I’m aware that it’ll be important to keep polishing it from now onwards.

Jin: Thank you very much. That’s literally it. Even in the current Children Record, I think there’s some aspect of it that was made up from the minds of you two, the rhythm section members. Both Mashirou-san and Yuumao-san make new proposals every time. You never try to trace the past at all. The way you think about sound is insanely serious.

Yuumao: I’m planning to do my best to create sounds in a more loose manner from now on. As for what I mean by “loose”, to put it simply, I think it’s quite important to be inspired by present-time musical instruments, and that we get influence from that, when we’re making the sound details. I think it’s bad if we don’t accept and face these things. In particular, I believe that the bass and drums are the parts that change the most. KagePro won’t change yet it has changed, and I think we should keep bringing out that aspect of it.

――Indeed, as a concept, this reboot is not something made to arrange things in a completely different direction from before. Be it a ballad or programmed music, for instance, there would be nothing of that in it. It’s a remake, a rebuild – at any rate, it felt like you are building it up.

Jin: Thank you very much. In the end, we also shouldn’t think that we just perfomed it over again. So it felt like a rematch. We were all at home, but we did that recording ready to beat our selves from about eight years ago. What should I do to make the original members say that this one “was cooler” than the precious song called Children Record? I think I was able to find an answer to that one.

Shirakami: In a way, using VOCALOID might have been its forte. For example, whenever a band remade a song from ten years ago, I usually felt that “the vocals have none of the freshness that they had back then” or “the reckless feel from that time was better”. But because it’s VOCALOID, that part doesn’t change. It might be that we managed to grant positive changes only to the good points.

Jin: I see. I think that’s possible. My mindset this time was to play the guitar so much that my fingers would bleed. I want to take on more challenges from now onward too.

#kagerou project #kagepro #mekakucity actors #kagerou daze #kagerou project reboot #jin #shirakami mashirou #yuumao #realsound #interview #my translation

[peeterparkr]

perennial;tom holland|fourteen.

chapter fourteen: snapdragons & sunflowers (Vol. 2)

↳ flower meaning: snapdragons: deception. sunflowers: unconditional love.

chapter summary: to use words. 

pairing: tom holland x y/n

warnings: fluff, angst, mentions of sex, remember if there’s smut it’d be under the *, flashbacks in italics

word count: 11.6K

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So, please help me out I think tags aren’t working. So yes, hope you enjoy this :) I’m sorry I haven’t been updating as much so here’s a long chapter to enjoy, please tell me what you think. 

Thank you to @friends-world for this moodboard

and thanks to @readheadwriter for this one! 

The sun was peeking through the window but they’d just noticed it, seemed like the entire day had been gray, maybe it would turn gray again. But right now it felt like the warm afternoon had finally washed over them. Such tranquility. Quiet.

They knew they were their very best when they were together and quiet. Or not quiet, but alone. With no one interrupting their thoughts. 

Y/N at that time could only wish she could stay like that forever, with nothing to worry, ignoring the dreadful problems and only… with him. Breathing and heart beats synchronized, as if they had connected on such a deep level, body and soul in their one way they knew how to. 

Y/N was often amazed by how precise he was, movements and caresses, the way he knew how to kiss her where she needed to be kissed, or the way his fingers would be soft enough to wash her with delight. 

How easily he could ease her sorrow, transport her to a different place. Though she was often wondering how she had wasted her life pretending not to love him. What else was she supposed to do if not love him? 

This wasn’t supposed to happen, or it hadn’t been what either Tom or y/n had in mind. Probably nobody. Not this way. 

Everyone guessed their fighting was probably still happening, and though James was probably the one to not want to know what had actually gone down, he probably was the only one aware that it would happen. 

There they were, her chest on his stomach, his hand in her hair, wondering what they were supposed to do, sun washing them.  Staring deeply into each other’s eyes. Tom had this particular way of staring at her that made her blush, shiver even. Under the sheets as his eyes travelled from her eyes to her lips. Still sweaty, and that familiar glow y/n had learned to know and love Tom had after each time as of it had been the first. 

So mesmerized she was by the sight of him. When had his eyes so full of hatred turned into such likeness? 

There was clearly no right answer to the problem, to the situation. Yet there was only one truth. 

They were in love. And everybody knew that. 

Y/N had never been one to read romance novels, she loved romantic movies that is, when love finds a way but she always criticized the way the feelings were portrayed. 

Ironic since she loved the magic and intensity and ridiculousness in 80’s movies. 

But she wished her life as a romantic comedy right now. Everything would be stupidly simpler. Not this mess which went beyond what her heart was able to feel. 

But laying on top of him in that warm room only gave her the answer that she wanted to be with him. But her mind kept going back to Cherry. She’d seen she’d gotten some texts from her cousin, and from other people which y/n had inadvertently ignored. That was a lie. 

She’d ignored them wholeheartedly.��

What did Tom feel? That was the only question. Regret. Most likely. 

“I shouldn’t have left,” y/n started knowing damn well that had been their initial downfall. How easily she had tried to escape her fear and pain believing that when she was away it wouldn’t be felt. She had been wrong, but we already knew that. 

Maybe Tom understood by then what she was actually apologizing for, it wasn’t her leaving it was her leaving to live with Tim. 

Though it shouldn’t have been a problem, there are a lot of things that were in necessity to be unraveled. 

The big drama that had been unfolded for a script.

“I should’ve chased after you,” he commented matter of factly. “Seems like my realization came late enough.” 

“Chase after  me?” She mocked. “As if it were—“

“I’m rather sure you did expect me to show up, I happen to know you very well, y/n,” he reminded her. “And I know you probably expected me to show up at your door when it’s raining and do something very 80’s movies like, you’d want a moment like that.” 

She looked away. “I—Well.” She did. But it was stupid to think he would. 

“Am I wrong?” He pushed. “Did you not wait for me to show up with yellow flowers?”

She shrugged, embarrassed as she brushed her lips against his skin as if trying to embarrass him just as much as he was embarrassing her. “My expectations for you rely only on merely having any.” 

“You’re saying you didn’t have any expectations for me?” He was perplexed, hurt even. 

“I’m saying you could’ve only shown up and I would’ve been pleased, I don’t need you to do anything else, honestly,” she admitted. “Because I know that you showing up would’ve meant we’ve swallowed all our pride.” 

“And did I not show up?” He questioned. 

Not how she had pictured it. 

“You did, but in the worst way you could’ve,” she reminded him. She sighed. “Besides you didn’t show up but only after my heart was broken for yet another time.” 

He gulped and brought his hand to cup her cheeks. “We did kiss under the rain, though.” 

“We’ve had some pretty dramatic kissing, huh,” she stated. 

“Pretty dramatic relationship,” he said with a grin. 

“However,” she sighed, “and going back to my initial statement.” 

“Initial statement,” he mocked. 

“I shouldn’t have left so—unpromptedly,” she said with a bit more formality. “I—broke your heart and I should’ve faced my consequences.” 

“But you left because of the script, and please, leave out all the formalities, y/n.” 

She sighed. “Yes, I did but I should’ve—I don’t know I was scared, I didn’t know how to deal with it. I wanted to let you heal, I wanted to—heal myself because I knew that my baggage would eventually bring us down and—Well.” 

“It’s not your baggage though, it’s ours,” he said. “We are trying to deal with that, you know? Work it out. We are in love, we are a couple and this is just a—well, an obstacle.” 

“Yes of course but—I—don’t you think it’s a sign?” She questioned. 

“A sign?” 

“Dunno, feels like we both tried to sabotage the relationship, as if—“ 

Tom furrowed his brows. “If anything, y/n, you’re laying on top of me after we had sex and—“

“I know, idiot,” she interrupted.

“I think that’s a pretty clear sign that we are deeply in love with each other.” 

“That’s only because I have no self control when it comes to you,” she stated. “And you know that and use that to your own advantage, you perfectly know you’re my weakness.”

“Am I?” He smirked. 

“Yes and you use it against me,” she stated as she blushed. 

“I do not, I—literally have no free-will when you’re around,” he said, his hands back on her back drawing circles with his fingers, “I’m hopelessly and stupidly in love with you and willing to give everything for you.” 

She smiled, genuinely, “we are doomed, then,” she stated as she stretched out to kiss him, deeply and passionately, but shortly.

Y/N knew it, he’d always linger like a scar you can never get rid off. His glance would keep her heart going. 

“What shall we do, then?” He asked. 

“Dunno.” 

He kissed her chin, “we could do that again, you know?” He offered mischievously, his hands traveling up her skin. 

She rolled her eyes, “Tom, we can’t keep avoiding it.” 

He sighed dramatically, “hm no, but we could postpone it,” he offered as his lips brushed hers before finally kissing her again, in his own very way that had her oh, so mesmerized. 

She tried to pull away but her lips kept glued to him as if her mind and reason were not in sync with her heart, or body for that matter.  She felt him smile and chuckle even against her lips before he pulled away. 

“No, baby, please,” she pleaded as his eyes were defeated. 

“Fine.” 

She took a deep breath, trying to avoid his gaze so she’d be able to say it, “I dunno, I’m still hurt, though I know my feelings, I’m still hurt and I assume you are, too.” 

Tom bit his bottom lip, “yeah.” 

There was a slight difference, and y/n didn’t know if it was due the fact she could feel his heartbeat or if his fingers threaded down her skin, or maybe due to the tattoos his kissing had left but she knew that they could work it out. They had to. 

“So what do you suggest?” Tom asked. 

“Talking,” she said. 

“Hm, we’ve never been great at that,” he sighed. “But if we shall.” 

She watched him. “What did you do to make her fall in love with you?” She asked. “I—“ she sighed. “I well—I want to know.”

“We’re-starting then,”Tom took a deep breath and turned to her. “I guess the same I did with you.” 

“You couldn’t possibly,” she stated. “What you did with me—“

“You’re right, I don’t know how I made you fall for me,” he confessed. “What—did by the way?” 

She didn’t have an exact reason but love by itself. Did he need to know one?” 

“I shall keep that a secret,” she answered. Which was true, for the record, since it was a secret for herself as well. “But with her?” 

“Well, I—honestly, don’t know. I didn’t plan it,” he admitted. “I only searched for her.” 

“And why did you?” 

He looked away. “Loneliness blinds.” 

She clenched her jaw and finally rolled off of him, though her skin still longed to be close to him. But this wasn’t a conversation to have in any kind of romantic position. 

“I—for a moment, brief—but long enough to mess up my mind, I thought you leaving was for the best,” he said. “I thought you’d eventually realize you have feelings for Harry—“

“I don’t.” 

“No, but he kissed you,” Tom said. 

The one big thing they hadn’t spoken about, of course, the whole thing Tim was an issue, but Harry. 

“And you did write that you wished it had been him,” Tom continued. 

Y/N then sat up covering herself with the blankets, this was a conversation they’d pushed long enough. 

“For a moment,” she took a deep breath. “I did,” she admitted. “Because I didn’t—I well, you’d broken my heart and I was so overwhelmed and so confused, I did wonder, you know?” She confessed. “Why did I love the guy who’s been an asshole instead of the prince in shining armor.” 

Tom didn’t say a thing. 

“I did have feelings for Harry,” she continued. “At some point, but they were barely there,” she added. “It was… I mean, before—It was,” she took a deep breath. “Well I had finally gotten over you, yet again,” she forced a chuckle. 

He only gave her a sad smile. 

“I—Few years after that—kiss on that after party, after prom” she reminded him. 

“Oh,” he blushed. “Yeah.” 

“I was—Well, being the fool I was I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” she continued. 

He laughed. “Fuck, how must you be after what we just did,” he teased. 

She rolled her eyes and let out a dry chuckle. “But you were an idiot as usual, yet it took me a while to get over you, and I—Dunno, I was spending more time with Harry, and as usual he was a gentleman, and l—“she sighed, “I guess I started wondering why—Why don't I love the man standing right in front of me—and at that point I knew his feelings for me, he wasn’t subtle,” she added. 

“And you didn’t—“

“I knew you hated me for that, I could see the way you were disgusted by how I just simply decided to ignore his feelings—“

“And I did everything because he liked you—I—I know it sounds stupid but I couldn’t—“ Tom sat up as well. “I felt guilty for loving you and I knew you—liked me, and I felt guilty and so I did everything to push you away.” 

Y/N nodded. “Did a great job on that,” she pointed out. 

“But you did have feelings?” Questioned Tom. 

“I’m not sure if I had them or if it was merely a whim I tried to calm,” she admitted. “Because I was—I think I forced myself to it, you know? The whole—y/n why don’t you love him instead, and yes, I did wish I had—liked him instead at some point, but not because of you—Maybe a bit, at that point, we weren’t exactly as—“she cleared her throat. “As close as we are now.” 

He hummed a chuckle, “close.”

“Well, yeah, so yes I did ask myself why I loved the guy who treated me like trash instead of the guy who— you know, so maybe I didn’t like him and it was only—No, that’s a lie. I did like him, I—started seeing him with different eyes but I was scared because—No feelings towards anybody have ever been as strong as those I have for you.” 

He only reached for her hand, and brought it to his lips. 

“I’m sorry for the things I said on the script,” she continued. “I—however I don’t regret all of them.” 

“I should’ve read it—“

“Yeah, I was—too harsh on the first few pages.” 

“But then—“

“Yeah,” she cleared her throat, “but no, I didn’t have—I don’t have feelings for Harry, I do—love him and I’ve missed him too much now that we’ve been apart—don’t get me wrong but when we—broke up I just needed Harry, I needed a best friend and he wasn’t there and—“

“Yeah, I get it,” Tom sighed. 

“Harry is my best friend and he’s the only one—I can actually open up to, last night he just listened for the sake of listening,” she nodded. “And even if he had feelings for me he never—pushed them, you know? He knew I had feelings for you even if I never truly dared to admit it out loud and Harry always listened for the sake of being my friend. He never tried to make me fall for him when I was sad or—He was only a friend. And I—missed—I still miss him, and I hope, I—I can get rid of Tim if you ask me to but please never ask me to get rid of Harry.” 

Tom watched her, listening closely. “I wouldn’t. Not—not even Tim.” 

“But I assume it wasn’t easy for you either,” she pointed out as she then reached to the floor, searching for clothes, she reached for the one sweatshirt tom had used, not the one she’d borrowed. “When I left, I just—I guess it would’ve been easier if I had Harry, yes I had Emma and Emma had become a very good friend but—I don’t know, I needed Harry but I guess it was even more difficult for you, you were the broken hearted now.” 

“I was the bad guy,” Tom started. “Ruined my brother’s engagement, humiliated my girlfriend and made a drama. And—my girlfriend had written about my brother and my brother had kissed you. I—yeah, I wasn’t doing okay.” 

She sighed as she put on the clothes, Tom reached for the remaining ones. 

“Plus, when I realized I didn’t care about the script you were gone already, and to add to my misfortune, you were gone with Tim.” 

She looked down. “I didn’t leave with him, he just happened to be leaving as well.”

“I know, but given your history with him, given our history, too, I thought we were through, and after yelling at each other on the phone, I only—I sank into this—dark place, besides you’d left me some—daffodils?” 

“Oh, yeah, I had forgotten about those—“

“I didn’t, I watered them every day and took care of them, I am even having my mother sit them while I’m gone,” Tom admitted. 

Y/N felt her heart warm and glow, he’d taken care of them. 

“Daffodils,” Tom repeated. 

“Perennial flowers,” y:n said, “they—bloom again every now and then and they mean—“

“New beginnings yeah, Cherry told me,” he admitted. 

She grimaced. “Yeah, guess she misunderstood the message,” y/n said, with the least poison she could. 

Tom gulped, “I—yeah, but I assumed you meant you’d have a new beginning, one without me—“

“I meant we had a new one,” she cleared up. “And I mean—“

“Well—I get that now, but I didn’t back then and I thought it was ironic, it was—-I wasn’t doing okay, I was just—and then, it got worse…. how I was diagnosed with a heartbreak just—“

“What?” 

Tom shrugged, “it hurt and I wasn’t feeling myself and—“

Y/N then regretted writing the script again, remembering the sole reason she had initially started it with all honesty, to make him feel the heartbreak, to make him go through that pain she’d gone through. How ever could she wish for the love of her life such a pain? 

It was her turn to hold his hand. Such a weird conversation they were having. Just listening to each other, no complaining, no interrupting, just listening to what the other feels. 

“You were diagnosed?” She questioned. Had he felt as bad as her? 

“I went to the doctor and they said my body—had gotten used to being—around you, we exchanged chemicals or whatever that—Well, made me happy and then—it was gone” he cleared his throat. “I was going through withdrawal of love or so the doctor said, and it’s apparently normal to have a physical reaction because of stress and levels—“

“Of cortisol yeah,”y/n knew what he meant as she approached him, he hesitated but then held her close.. “I’m sorry—I’m—sorry you had to go through that.” 

“You’ve been there too, huh?” He asked. “That’s why Valerie—“

“Yeah,” she let him go just slightly, still close enough to feel him breathing, and looked up at him. It made sense though she still couldn’t quite find the piece to forgive him for being with her bloody cousin, she—understood. 

“I know it sounds like an excuse, and I know it shouldn’t—“he cleared his throat, “but I didn’t mean it to be with your cousin—I guess I was just trying to find back something that made me happy—someone that could get me out of it, you know? To relieve some stress, I guess.” 

She understood. 

“Yeah, which is—“She bit her lip. “What kind of happened with Tim, the first time.” 

Tom grimaced then. 

“Maybe that’s why I was so broken-hearted,” she stated. “Seeing you and Cherry, I mean. Thought Cherry would be your Tim.” 

Tom nodded. “Is that why you slept with him?” 

It was far more complicated than that, honestly. 

“Do you love him?” Tom added. 

She took a deep breath. “I did love Tim,” she stated and then took a deep breath. “Still do, not going to lie but—not in the way that—I love him as an old friend, it doesn’t come close to what I feel for you,” she bit her lip, “I guess I’m grateful for him, for taking me out of dark place, I’ve told you about it before—I—I’ve always known he loves me and after a while of listening to everyone say we were meant to be I guess I bought into the idea and—not anymore,” she nodded. “I think what’s different this time is that I know that I love you and only you and—I slept with him.  But you said it loneliness blinds and I was in desperate need to be loved and—he offers that—to love me unconditionally—“

“Don’t I love you unconditionally?” Tom questioned. 

Did he? She stared at his eyes. She didn’t want to go there, though she wanted to believe he did. “You see Tom, I felt worthless and replaceable and the one person who was never made me feel...replaceable is Tim.” 

“Have I?” He asked.

“Yes, twice—or even more, like that one time at the club or now with Cherry,” she said. “It hurt, Tom—“

“I mean—I—well, what about when you broke up? He brought another girl to Harry’s and Sam’s party.” 

“This isn’t about—“she sighed. “This isn’t about Tim.” 

“What is it then?” 

“I think we both try to ignore our biggest baggage,” she stated. 

“Rome—“

“Not quite.” 

“What?”

She plopped on the bed. “We hated each other our whole lives and sometimes we pretend as if we didn’t.” 

Tom bit his lip. “I didn’t,” he intertwined his hand with hers before laying down to place a soft kiss on her cheek. 

“No, Tom—I mean,” she cleared her throat as his lips kept brushing against her cheek towards her neck, “I know we are all—well this way—“

He grinned before kissing her neck. “This way?” He asked before looking up at her. 

She rolled her eyes, “Yes—this way.”

“Which way?” He asked again, before kissing her sweetly, and deeply. 

“Tom.” 

“This one?” He kissed behind her ears as his hands landed on her waist. “Or… this one?” He was kissing his way across her face. 

“Tommy—“she said softly. “No,” she shook her head. “No, yes, yes I mean that way,” she said blushing, “but we weren’t always like this,” she stated as she kept being peppered with kisses. “even if we try to pretend we were—“

“I’m not pretending.” 

“Tom, I mean how many pictures did you have to search to get the one for my birthday?”

He licked his lips, “uh—“

“Like all of our pictures— we hated  each other, and I mean—“she closed her eyes since his lips had found its way back to her skin, threading through her neck. “Tom.” 

“I’m listening, darling” he mumbled in between kisses. 

“Tommy,” she pleaded again. “You’re not listening.” 

“I am, you’re saying we hated each other and I know that did but I am just trying to prove to you that we are in a very different position right now.” 

And they were, literally and metaphorically speaking as he kept kissing her neck. 

She decided to enjoy it then, “Now, we are—“she took a deep breath. “but—but, but, but, but  our whole lives we were enemies and we never truly had a transition from it.” 

He hummed a chuckle, “I think we had a very clear transition.” He had smirked as he looked up back at her, sight digging to her. 

“Please,” she scoffed. “even the first time we had sex we pretended to hate each other.” 

He raised his brows. “Huh we did. We’ve had sex on the weirdest of situations.” 

“Yes and we kept being rude after that—“

“And then we slept together again and again and—“

“Yes I know, I know!” She interrupted him as he laughed, making her giggle.  “but—it’s weird though—it’s—Tom,” she couldn’t stop her laugh. “Tom it’s weird.”

“What is?”

“I think that’s why we avoid fighting,” she stated.

“We don’t—“

“We are avoiding it right now,” she pointed out, “because we spent our whole lives fighting—“

“And we were very good at it,” Tom acknowledged.

“Yes and we probably avoid it because—“

“We might end up hurting each other,” Tom finished her sentence. 

“Yeah.” 

“Old habits never wear out.” 

Tom finally rolled off of her and took a deep breath. They stayed quiet, for a bit, as if they had to listen now to their own very thoughts. To make room for their own feelings. For most of their lives they’d been enemies and then this and—how y/n always flaked on feelings and how complicated she was. It was weird, she’d always pushed every single guy away because she had feelings with Tom and now she was pushing Tom away, and she didn’t know why. But she didn’t want to push him away. 

His hands above his head, her hands above her heart.

Did they need to be rational? Or did they have to follow their feelings?

“What do we have to do?” He asked after a while. 

She sat up and hugged her knees. “I—don’t know, “ she sighed. “Are we being rational?”

“If we are, then do we—“

“What would rational people do?” She scoffed. 

Tom gulped. “Break up?”

She looked back at him, with fear. She knew those words were coming but she had avoided them. Did they have to?

“I don’t want to break up,” he stated quickly. 

She felt a relief, “I don’t either.” 

He sat up. “But—do we have to?” 

“I don’t know, maybe it would be the rational thing to do—“she pursed her lips. “Yet, I don’t want to lose you, because though—we’ve been through hell, losing you would be the one heartbreak I would never be able to heal from.” 

That made Tom smile as he pulled her close to him. Y/N knew that their love story wasn’t one girls would wish for, it wasn’t a picture perfect, magazine like love story. It was full of hatred and reckless feelings. And looking back at it, y/n would always get a pain in her chest, not sure why. Was it torture? It couldn’t be. Why was she so invested in him? Why did she love him so much if she’d been warned with signs all over again? Was he worth the pain? 

There was that feeling that the flashing lights were blinding her again, that there was a clear sign to get away from him and rush and escape, but she’d find her way back to him. Because it was thrilling, and exciting. But they were lost, very lost. And they could pretend they could last forever, and they would if they tried to but right now there was no clear path, though it was simple and though they were in love, it just… hurt. Being apart from him seemed like the worst kind of torture she could think of. 

It was scary to stay, too. Because what if they lost their minds, too? Things hadn’t changed, not much. Not really. Y/N was still so in love with him, but she was exactly in the same position she was when she’d let him. 

What if they escaped? 

But they still had to talk about a lot of things. Because escaping was following their hearts, and they probably had to be rational, for once. 

Harry was, on the other hand, tired of being rational. For once he wanted to follow his heart. He didn’t. He instead was going through the most recent events which he couldn’t quite map yet. He knew about Tom and y/n…. 

Harry didn’t know anything about them. He didn’t care. 

That’s a lie. He did care. Just not right now. Harry had a lot in his head. And it seemed like the roles had been reversed, him and Emma were not talking or anything. And probably Tom and y/n were. 

Or were they? 

Y/N had not answered and this was typical of y/n. She did this thing of running away, that's what she did the best, he knew that. But she usually ran to him. 

And she had, last night. 

He felt wrong. And Harry wasn’t sure if he was prepared to deal with y/n and Tom breaking up. Not because he didn’t want to be a friend with y/n but because he’d barely had anyone to deal with it. His own breakup, because of course the room had been on Tom. Usually, it was. Harry never minded but right now he needed some help for himself. 

And he knew that probably if Tom and y/n broke up it would be intense. 

Not because of y/n. Y/N didn’t make her breakups intense. 

Tom did. 

But not y/n, Harry knew that. Except when it came to Tom. Like when after Rome, y/n pushed everyone away. 

But after Louis all y/n needed was a night watching The Breakfast Club and pizza. 

Even after Tim, well, that had been harder. 

They’d broken up on New Years Eve. Harry still remembered it happened at that one party, right outside it. While everyone was having fun, getting their asses drunk and dancing to the music, y/n had walked back into the room, boyfriend less and with her mascara run across her face. Just slightly, as she’d run to the bathroom. 

He remembered how Tim had also walked in and rushed to Emma. Emma had spent a certain amount of time listening to Timmy, but eventually came back to Harry, and kissed him at midnight. Harry knew by then. 

Emma was the love of his life, undeniably flawed but perfect for him. Not the one couple you’d think that would end up together but the one that after seeing it, made sense. 

Emma had stayed to help him clean up, and he remembered staying up all night, seeing the sun coming out. Talking nonsense. 

Emma told him y/n and Tim had broken up. 

Harry didn’t know why they had broken up by then, but he had guessed it right after they hadn’t kissed at midnight that something was wrong. The very next day y/n had shown up to Tom’s place looking for Harry, she had avoided Tom and ran up straight to Harry and even Emma. Emma had gone to her best friend. Knowing Tim needed her. 

Y/n had explained to him how it had gone as they kept cleaning up. 

“I fucked up,” she had said, “I may have lost the love of my life for some stupid whim of mine.” 

“What happened?” 

“We are on a break,” she explained. “He said he can’t be second to my heart and I don’t blame him.” 

“And is he?” 

She had stopped, staring at a bottle. Harry remembered Tom had shown up to the kitchen. 

“What are you doing here, y/n? Gathering your breakfast? Didn’t know you had to scatter for trash here, thought you had Tim for that.” 

Y/N ignored him, knowing damn well that ignoring Tom was her greatest weapon. Probably the reason why she had left this last time. Not giving Tom any attention was what he hated the most. 

And she ignored him that time. 

“You’re not welcome here, y/n, may I remind you.” 

Harry turned to him. “Not now, Thomas.” 

“Unless she helps us clean, at least be useful for once y/n,” Tom continued as he approached them. “Why the long face, y/n, it’s a new year, you know how they—new year, new you, maybe you’ll get a new chance to dump Tim or he might dump you.” 

“Thanks, Tom, glad to know though it’s a new year you’re still the same piece of shit,” y/n had snaked. 

Tom had left, eventually. 

“Then?” Harry asked. “Why did you break up?” 

“It was a boring breakup,” that had been one of the first times y/n had lied to Harry. Or rather, purposefully lied to him. “I—“and she had opened up. Crying, slowly. Quietly. “I don’t know—I mean I knew it was coming, everything went down after the proposal and I’m—“

“But if you didn’t want to marry him—“

“But maybe I should, I—I can’t keep holding to a whim that makes absolutely no sense.” 

“What whim, y/n?” Though Harry thought he knew the answer. 

“Dunno, he said we should—meet other people, he told me to get—my feelings sorted out.” 

“Did you give him the ring back?”

“He asked me not to, and maybe I won’t—maybe I’ll end up wearing it one day.” 

 And y/n had been different after that breakup. She had been quiet but she hadn’t made a big deal out of it, quietly swallowing her thoughts, she’d be around more, though. 

She would want to hang out more and propose crazy schemes and ideas. With y/n it was more movie nights, and giving a shoulder if she needed to cry. 

So, Harry wasn’t fearful of that. He knew how to deal with y/n’s breakups which only involves hanging out more.

However he had never seen her break up with Tom. And it is fair to say that most of the breakups y/n had had were because she had feelings for Tom. So of course, last night Harry had finally seen y/n in her truest form, y/n crying because she loved Tom. 

It seemed like a paradox, really. How most breakups had been because of Tom and now she was most likely to break up with him. 

But Harry could deal with it. 

With Tom, though. Harry knew he’d have to deal with Tom’s anger or sadness or whatever. And he’d have to listen and watch and… 

he didn’t need that. He loved his brother but Tom made everything big, and Harry, even if he wouldn’t admit it out loud, was on y/n’s side, even after everything, because Harry had been on the first row to Tom’s awful way to treat y/n. Harry wasn’t a fan of it. 

Because, Harry was well aware that though Tom and y/n had fucked up recently, he knew that their main trouble was their past haunting them, both of them knowing exactly how to hurt each other. Y/N, in Harry’s mind, had run away after the script incident exactly because she knew that would get Tom. Even if she didn’t do it purposefully, in her mind, she probably wanted Tom to feel her absence because if there was something Tom hated was to not be given attention. 

And Tom knew how much y/n hated being replaced, so that’s probably why he had searched for Cherry. 

Because even if Tom and y/n liked to ignore it, Harry knew they were still the same kids who knew how to hurt the other, and that was their biggest problem. If they kept ignoring that they’d learned their whole lives how to make the other cry, they wouldn’t understand why they’re crying right now. 

So, complicated. 

Harry wanted a break on his own, and he wanted to sleep, take a shower, get his mind off of everything. However no one had warned him. There was still that feeling of slight guilt, how he wasn’t being true to himself. There were a lot of things that Harry regretted, kissing y/n wasn’t one of them, because he needed to know how he felt, and though he’d known it for a while, that Emma was supposed to be his endgame, he needed to know how it felt. And Harry did go back to the kiss every now and then, and how it hadn’t felt like he had expected it to go. 

It had been sad, but beautiful, honestly. Y/N had kissed him back, as if she herself had been exploring her own feelings, too. 

She’d been late to her own feelings. And Harry did wonder from time how things would’ve gone had one slight thing been different. But they wouldn’t have worked out, Harry knew. 

Because y/n was meant to be with Tom, and Harry was meant to be with Emma. 

And it would’ve been a tragedy, Harry knew, those that felt like dreams, with the sun setting with a bittersweet melody. Had they been together, Harry knew, their love affair wouldn’t have lasted and it would have been sad, and Harry didn’t know why. He knew they’d be picture perfect, one of those reminiscent loves one likes to go back to, because they seem like only a memory. It would’ve been a good one, though, but very short. Tasteful dates, probably, but then Harry would’ve had that guilt, knowing that y/n loved Tom and knowing Tom loved y/n. 

It was more than that, he knew that he wouldn’t have worked it out. Not like with Emma, a marvelous love that could fit in that pendant that Emma still owned.  

Harry loved Emma. But someone should’ve warned him. No one had warned him that he’d be walking home to a fight. 

Though he wasn’t sure what he’d heard. 

“Friends? We both have feelings, you’re wearing my clothes and we just-- and you’re suggesting being friends?” Harry could hear Tom, as Harry rolled his eyes exhausted. 

“Yes,” y/n had answered. 

“Friends don’t have sex,” Tom had pushed. Harry wondered if Tom thought his relationship with y/n was merely sex, and if it was, then Harry understood a lot about them. 

“Well, you see, we wouldn’t have sex and you know, even if we...you were friends with my cousin and you had sex with her just fine,” y/n had said. Harry blinked. They were still having that conversation. 

“We are back to that,” Tom sounded angry. 

Harry didn’t know if he had to leave. 

“Yes Tom we are back to that,” y/n sounded tired. “Oh, so you thought that by just kissing me I would forget it-” 

“I mean I didn’t but I didn’t think we would have had sex if you weren’t going to consider accepting my apology, and we were doing fine, y/n,”  Tom sounded angry. 

“Yeah I— breakup sex never heard of it?” Y/N had this terrible flaw of calming down and the bursting out with anger again. 

“Is that what it is?” Tom snapped. 

And Tom had the fatal one of being too stubborn and proud to try and solve things. 

“I guess it’s what it’s supposed to be, Tom!” Y/n answered. Harry groaned. “You slept with my cousin, she kissed you last night—I slept with my ex, I don’t even know why we are trying to solve it.” 

“Because we love each other, I love you-” At least Tom sounded a bit more calmed now. 

“Yeah well maybe we shouldn’t and we haven’t realized that,” Y/N said. “No I… I didn’t mean that, alright? I know it, I love you, so, so, so much but this… Tom.” 

Harry also knew that y/n was one to always be conflicted with what she was supposed to do, or feel, hence why she dated Tim and hence why she had tried having feelings for Harry. 

“No y/n we—I thought we’d gone past that,” Tom was one to never know what to say. 

“Well we haven’t, clearly,” y/n’s voice was quiet. 

“Y/N, please.” 

“I don’t know, okay?” And Harry knew that y/n probably really didn’t know. “I love you,” she did. “But I’m—hurt and I’m—angry and I know that wasn’t—Well it wasn’t very smart of me but I’m—This is why I need a break but we can’t really take a break because I can’t be away from you because of the script our friends—” 

This was y/n fearing the surrounding. 

Harry felt guilty listening to them but he also needed to know what he’d be dealing with. 

“Yes the script,” Tom said. 

“Which you shouldn’t have accepted to direct in the first place—Why would you want to direct the thing that broke us apart?” Y/N had raised her voice. 

“It wasn’t the script that broke us apart and you know it,” Tom snapped. 

“Didn’t it?” Y/N snapped. 

This sounded more like the Tom and y/n Harry knew, fighting and challenging each other. But he knew they didn’t mean it. 

“It’s so much more than that.” 

“Then there you have your answer Tom, we don’t—We would end up here anyway so let’s just stay friends while we—While we film.” 

Tom groaned. “Why can’t we keep being a couple?” 

“Because you slept with my cousin, I slept with my ex, a normal couple would break up.” 

But they weren’t a normal couple. 

“I don’t want to break up,” Tom said. “We were working it out, y/n, what happened? You checked your phone-” 

“Yes and Cherry texted me, and Cherry says she has her version, and I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to hear how she fell in love with you, and how you broke her heart or whatever, and I got angry again, and she can--” 

“We were doing fine-” 

“No, we weren’t, or...we were avoiding it,” she said. “Like we’ve done before because this, this is our nature, fighting.” 

“It’s not.” 

It was. 

“It is.” 

“Y/N, I love you, with all my heart, and I can’t be away from you,” Harry heard Tom say. 

“I know Tom and I feel the same way, but--”

“We could try, y/n we just… We were okay, we just had sex it must mean something.” 

Had they really had sex? Harry couldn’t believe them. 

“So you agree?” she asked. “you’re saying sex does mean something. It’s your words. Did it mean anything with her?” 

“Not with her but… when it comes to us it does.” 

“Why did you have sex with her?” She asked, perplexed as if trying to understand it herself. Harry assumed she’d asked that question a million times before. 

“Because I missed you.” 

“So what?” She snapped. “Because we share dna you thought your dick—”

“We already went over this,” Tom reminded her. 

There was a moment of silence. Harry really felt bad for  peaking their conversation. 

“Did you kiss her back, last night?” Y/N asked. 

“I didn’t and you know that, why would I?” Tom answered.

“I dunno … I’m… I’m sorry I just… thought.” 

“What?” 

“I thought maybe being friends would be the answer.” 

Harry approached them, they were in the kitchen.

“You said that after we just had sex,” Tom pointed out. 

“Oh my god you had sex?” Harry asked, perplexed just as he had walked into the kitchen, not because he really wanted to question that, though he did but to make them realize he was there. Thankfully they were fully clothed. 

“Harry!” Y/N said. 

Tom only closed his eyes with stress. 

“You guys had sex?” Harry asked again, now because he meant it. Had they had sex instead of talking? 

Both y/n and Tom looked away, embarrassedly. Y/N was sitting on the counter, her arms folded above her chest and Tom right beside her. 

Harry looked around at the kitchen. “Please tell me you didn’t have sex here.” 

“No,” Tom snapped. “Harry we’re in the middle of a conversation.” 

Yeah, he knew, he’d heard half of it. 

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” Harry said. Because honestly he didn’t. “Especially you,” he said, glancing at y/n. “You tend to… run away and not face your problems so I didn’t know.” 

y/n cleared her throat. “I want to fix things.” 

“You didn’t think we’d be here?” Tom asked. 

Harry shrugged. “I thought you’d be searching for her, and she’d be hiding,” Harry admitted. “I’m sorry, I’m going to leave you guys.” 

“You really didn’t-?”Tom questioned again. 

Harry wasn’t sure why. 

“No,” Harry said. “I figured you’d be fighting somewhere, not home having sex oh my god that’s gross.” 

Tom and y/n both groaned. 

“Look, our relationship is complicated,” Y/N said. 

Harry nodded. “Yeah, I know, so I’ll leave you to it, I’m gonna go take a shower and not bother you but please if you’re gonna - at least wait until I....leave, please.” 

“We’re not-” Y/n tried to say. 

Tom scoffed. “Look, you don’t--” 

“No, I don’t, I’m sorry, you guys keep-” Harry gulped and turned around.. 

“Wait, Harry,” Y/N said. 

Harry took a deep breath and turned back to them. 

“What would you do?” Y/N asked. 

Tom frowned. “What?” 

“Please, he’s the only person who is rational here,” y/n said. 

“I thought this was between us,” Tom whispered. 

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” she sighed. 

Tom pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, but what would you do, Harry?” ” 

“I don’t know. Talk. Be sincere with the other I’m—Look I’m sorry but—” Harry rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to be involved.” 

He wanted to say ‘Y/N last night you were devastated and now you’re telling me you had sex with this man?’ How last night y/n regretted falling for Tom.

Harry knew she probably didn’t mean it, and the way she ws 

What did Tom do to make her so vulnerable? And what did she do for Tom to be so little when it came to her. 

He didn’t. He didn’t listen to what they said after that. Harry was tired, and they were bickering, something along the lines of not being able to move forward with their talking, and something along the lines of not wanting to break up, and also being supposed to do it. They were loud, as if both of them were trying to give their excuses to Harry but that they wanted to stay together, or whatever mess they were saying. Something about Cherry, something about Tim, and then the script. He even heard Harrison’s, Clark’s name. 

They were bombarding Harry with information he didn’t care for, with excuses and warning signs and trying to solve their problems. How they were okay for a bit, and how Tom was stressed about how she had turned angry again out of the blue and y/n saying that they hadn’t truly talked about it, how they kept avoiding it, and how y/n had offered to be friends with Tom while filming because dating was too complicated because Tim was around, and how when they would go back. How she didn’t want to ruin the script and how Tom didn’t want to either. There was a constant, ‘but I love him’ ‘but I love her’ they’d tell Harry, ‘but I love you’, they’d say to each other. How it was better to break up but neither of them wanted to. 

“Everything was easier when you both hated each other,” Harry blurted without even knowing he had. Maybe because it had been what he had been wanting to say since he’d found out they were dating, back from when they were in New York. He didn’t mean it. 

Both Tom and y/n backed away. 

“I’m sorry,” Harry said with regret. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry … I didn’t.” 

Tom coughed, “no, but it was.” 

Because Tom agreed. And not in a way that he wished they were back on that, no, but it seemed like things were easier. At least he didn’t have to care about what he did, or… No, he just didn’t want to be in this mess. And he was angry now, why had y/n suggested being friends? They could be everything but friends. 

Going back to enemies was easier, even. Easier than being friends at least. He needed a drink to talk it with her, go back to the calm afternoon they had been sharing. And Tom was feeling lonely. Because y/n wasn’t listening to him, she was just trying to get into her world and she didn’t know what she… No, that was the problem, she knew what she was supposed to do and she always listened to what she was supposed to do. A breakup was the thing that made sense, for both but neither of them wanted to break up. 

But Tom felt like she suddenly changed, as if she didn’t even know him. As if he was standing in front of her and she didn’t recognize her. He needed time, patience and time to talk with her. Because he loved her and he didn’t care if he looked vulnerable while doing it. And she wasn’t listening. She hadn’t truly listened to him all this afternoon while Tom tried to prove to her that it was her and only her whom he loved. That they weren’t enemies anymore. That though it had been them, that didn’t define them now. 

Why couldn’t he say it? Why was it so difficult saying what he meant? Tom was never good with words, he just didn’t know how to phrase it without screwing it up. It didn’t help that y/n was good with words when she wanted to, sometimes it seemed like though she was building up what she was saying as she went by, it was as if she’d thought her words for an hour at least. Yet her decision making process was always blurry. 

Harry gulped, “I’m sorry, no, I’m happy you guys are- Well no I’m not happy I-I mean.” 

“I think we should take another break y/n,” Tom said. 

“What? No, don’t break up-” Harry gulped. “Or I mean you can…” 

“No, I mean, we need a… water break,” Tom said, knowing that y/n would understand what he meant. “Maybe go for a drive, I don’t know.” 

Harry felt guilty, Tom could tell. 

“Yeah, no, fine,” y/n agreed. “I’ll go get another jacket, I’m cold, again.” 

Tom watched her leave and breathed heavily. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say-” Harry started. 

“No, I-I know you didn’t but I get it,” Tom sighed. “It’s not easy, I’m-” 

“How--how is it going?” 

“We were okay… and then we started fighting again because we got back to it, and we went in circles and I dunno, I think… I… we can work it out but, then she suggested being friends and,” Tom rubbed his face. “I don’t know. I just can’t be friends with her, and… I know she meant it for the best because we have to be around but I can’t just…” 

Harry watched him. “She was really heartbroken last night,” Harry warned. 

“Yeah, I know, I can’t blame her,” Tom said, stressed. 

“No, really, Tom, she was… devastated, so her coming to you and wanting to work it out, just… give time to each other,”  Harry said. “She really, really loves you,Tom,” Harry continued. “But really, just… talk, alright?” 

“What would you really do?” Tom asked. “You know her, what does she-” 

“You know her, too,” Harry pointed out. “Just use it for good, this time.” 

Tom didn’t know what to do with what Harry had said, and there in the car, with y/n. Both of them quietly, with the windows up and the radio off. 

“Where… do you want to go?” Tom asked. 

She shrugged, she was wearing his jacket around her shoulders. “Let’s go to New York,” she joked. “We worked fine there.” 

Tom smiled, slightly. “No, really.” 

“I… I don’t know,” she sighed. “There’s… Um, there’s this very cheesy place.” 

“Cheesy place? You know a cheesy place?” Tom chuckled. “Who would’ve thought?” 

“Shut up,” she rolled her eyes. “It’s this place, near a beach, you can see the ocean and there are flowers and there are rocks and it’s quiet and nice.” 

“Near the beach,” Tom seemed thrilled. “But… rocks? Are you trying to murder me?” 

“Maybe,” she chuckled. “No, I mean, it’s nice, we can go elsewhere if you’d like, to that diner or-” 

“No, the beach sounds nice,” he nodded. 

Then quiet again, then at least, Tom had turned on to okay some music and he’d rolled the windows down for the rest of the ride. Tom was still processing the multiple conversations they’ve had, and how he did understand where they were coming from. Every single one of them. But he couldn’t help but look at y/n’s flying hair. 

And, alas, they still had some hope. Or Tom liked to think that. Now that the sun was on the way to set, and as they were on that spot, near a beach, wtih an incredible view, and flowers, just like y/n had said. But she hadn’t given the place the fairness she should have. 

It was quiet, and in any other circumstance it would’ve probably been romantic. The sun merely setting, the perfect day, but this wasn’t what romance felt like. Or maybe it was, in the very Tom and y/n way. 

"Harry isn’t right, it wasn’t easy when we were enemies, not for us at least, it hurt more ” Y/n had said,  as she was leaning against the car, arms crossed. 

“Yeah, we’ve been in worse states than this,” Tom said, right beside her. 

“I’m sorry I asked Harry,” she said. “And-” 

“No, I get it,” Tom said. “We were going in circles and maybe it was good he walked in before we continued the loop.” 

She took a deep breath. “I.. sorry I just exploded with Cherry’s texts.” 

Tom nodded. “No, I get it, I would’ve gotten worse had I received a text by Tim.” 

“We can’t make any promises now, can we?” She asked. 

Tom took a deep breath. “I don’t know.” 

“I… look, the being friends thing isn’t….” she gulped. “I thought it was the safest way to keep seeing each other, and not being this mess, but I…” 

“Yeah, but being friends means we break up,” Tom said. “And I can’t… break up with you, I love you, y/n,” he said to her and she gulped, “am I allowed to say that?” 

“I—yes—why wouldn’t you?” 

Tom watched her, he knew she loved him, and looking into her eyes were just the answer he needed. “Dunno, seems like it hurts you every time  I say it or try to prove it to you like it’s the worst thing you could possibly hear.” 

She blinked watching him, “I—no, that’s not true.” 

“Then why else are you—rejecting me—“

“I’m not rejecting you Tom, I’m—“she reached for his hand. “This is a very complicated situation, Tom.”

“What’s complicated about it?” His hand pushed her chin up to face him, as his other hand landed on her waist. “I love you and I want to date you and I want to—“

She sighed as she looked away. 

“See, this is what I mean,” Tom sighed as he backed away

“I’m not trying to reject you, Tom, I need you to listen to me, and I need you to talk,” she said. “And it’s what I mean too, Tom, we can’t pretend we are not angry or hurt, I—but…”she reached out to him and cupped his face. “I’m so incredibly in love with you too so I’m just not sure what I need to do. And I know you want to—“

“Yes let’s stay together.” 

“But—I feel like we can’t, and I don’t know why.” 

Tom pursed his lips, riveting her with his arms, “why not?” 

“I—dunno, it makes no sense. But—I love you.” She let him go and then leaned back against the car, staring at the beautiful view she was offered, the sea plummeting the rocks nearby as the sun was setting far from them, painting the sky a perfect pink and lilac paradise. One very much beautiful sunset that y/n would probably treasure. 

It was odd, the flowers surrounding them were all yellow, as if y/n had planned to be surrounded by yellow flowers or it was probably a coincidence playing them fair and square. There was barely any space for a beach, for the shore was covered with big boulders. 

The sea splashing against them was the only sound they could hear for a bit, for they went quiet. 

“It is a cheesy place,” Tom pointed out after a while as he had paced around to take in the view. “Suits you.” 

She scoffed and nodded. “The flowers add to it all.”she looked at him “Was it too soon?” She asked. “We just.. Went for it, you know, we should’ve talked about it first and then start the relationship or whatever we were doing.” 

Tom looked at her and reached for her hand, “I don’t think it was—No, maybe, yeah, a bit soon, but—“

“Why—how Can you be so calm?” She asked him. 

He looked her in the eye, “I guess I have to be.” 

“Right.” 

“I don’t hold any grudges against you, y/n, I thought we’d grown past the needs of any,” he pointed out. 

Y/N breathed in heavily, “I—would like to say I don’t have any grudges, but I wouldn’t call them that way, I’m just—I built in so many walls Tom and guess I haven’t been able to tumble down some. But—I am willing to work this out so—“

“Will you now? Or are we going to back away again?” 

“I’m scared,” she admitted. “Not of you, of me and how—I can’t seem to handle my heartache but, if anything Harry made a point today.” 

“He did?” 

“I usually run away from you and I tend to avoid solving things,” she confessed. “Except today.” 

“I thought you had walked in to murder me,” Tom said, only half joking. 

“No, I just burst in, with the fear of the past, which isn’t a grudge but my heart finally showed what I fear with you, that it’s all some elaborate prank that—“

“It’s not.” 

“I know, I know, I know you love me and I know I love you but last night I—felt that way again, alright? That’s—that’s why we need to understand,  I felt like watching the same old scene we’d gone through before, and I—for once wanted to change the ending.” 

Tom understood, she’d seen her so devastated in the morning, so broken, so not her. Or maybe the truest form when it came to her heartache with Tom. 

“I don’t—No, I won’t hurt you,” Tom stated. 

“I know, that’s why I brought you here.” 

“How did you discover it?” 

“I would like to say I discovered them on an adventure while trying to find myself but I actually—discovered this place with—“

Tom squinted, was it with Tim? “Please don’t say Tim.” 

“With my aunt,” she finished. “She showed it to me.”

Tom sucked in his inner cheeks, embarrassed he’d assumed Tim. 

“Tim is an issue isn’t it,” y:n pointed out, not an answer needed. 

“Yeah,” Tom confessed, “but I am willing to compromise avd peor your friendship with him if that means you and I stay together.” 

“I can’t keep being friends with him,” she said. And those were the words Tom had been waiting to hear for  a long, long time. 

“Oh.” 

“No, not when he expects me to love him back,” she said. “And not when it bothers you, and—“

Tom watched her with curiosity, trying to understand if it came from his jealousy or if she genuinely didn’t want to be friends with him. 

“Besides, I don’t know, I don’t want someone who is my friend only to see if they’re getting somewhere,” she continued. “I know he tried sabotaging us and he was probably relying on you sabotaging yourself, at—at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if he told Cherry something along the lines to make her believe you loved her back.” 

“Did she—?”

“Oh of course she did, Tom, I saw it, that’s my big issue, that she was—She—She was like me after Rome, such a fool believing that from you, now she was the victim.” 

“But you were—“

“I don’t blame her, Tom, her only sin was falling for you and it’s not difficult to,” y/n explained. “Though I may have always said you’re not easy to love, it comes to my attention how actually I’m wrong, how I keep proving myself wrong and you do too, for god’s sake it only takes you a smile to get me all stupid.” 

Tom gulped with guilt. 

“I will—“she bit her bottom lip, “I will listen to her version. And I—not as to find proof to leave you, because if I was looking for any I would’ve left by now.” 

Tom was hurt by that statement. 

“But I don’t want to leave you because though you’d given me dozens of reasons not to love you, I’m afraid you’ve also given me a thousand reasons to keep loving you,” she sentenced but Tom listens to the way she was saying it, as if it hurt her to say it. 

“Y/N—“

“I want you to apologize to her,” y/n stated. “Explain to her, kindly but please nothing that could open a window for her, but—“y/n squinted, “I just don’t—want you to be the bad guy, okay? I’ll also clear it out to her.” 

Tom didn’t know where that had come from. 

“And—I will—find a new place,” she nodded. “I can’t keep being roommates with Tim if I want to work this out with you, besides it can be a small place, I mean I’m only here until we finish filming and—Well then when I go back to London I’m afraid I will have Cherry as my roommate but—that’s a future problem right now—I will look for a place.” 

Tom nodded. 

Y/n licked her lips. “Now, come here,” she said. 

Tom watched her with surprise, and walked over as he was received by her open arms, he smiled slightly before she pressed her lips against his, a warm kiss, soft enough as her hands travelled to his hair and his fingers pressed into her waist. 

“Don’t you ever dare to say that I don’t like hearing you say you love me,” she stated making him smile. Y/N always thought his smile was the prettiest thing she’d ever seen. 

“I-” 

Her hands travelled down to his chest and then to the hem of his pants, she toyed with them as she pulled him closer, pulling him by the edge of his boxers now. He blushed. 

“Oh?” He chuckled as her hands went up his stomach, her cold fingers threading lightly, tracing each and every muscle he had. 

Tom took a deep breath, shivering slightly as she carefully advanced her way through his body. She was decisive, for once. 

“Y/N?” Tom asked, slightly hesitant. 

“Sh,” she ordered before kissing him again, in the very way she knew he loved, making both of their heartbeats go faster, nervously as he felt his skin was creeping each time her hands were tracing the perfectly declined v-line that lead to where y/n’s secrets where hiding. Then to his back and far down his ass, squeezing it to make him giggle. 

Tom weakened to her touch as he tried to push his body as close to her, probably trying to merge into one, pushing her. against the car. 

“No,” she said as she pulled away, pushing him away as she turned him and pushed him against the car instead, so casually kissing him, not losing her own control. And then, we had Tom who was melting each time her fingers touched any part of his body, nothing too sensual, but it felt so intimate. It was her kissing him, not like before, it was her kissing him, his face, his neck, on that sweet spot she’d discovered he liked. 

Y/N was perfectly aware Tom and her had different love languages, and Tom’s was...mostly physical, though y/n’s was in words, she’d finally understood that Tom was angry because she was saying it but not doing it, and she was terrified that he’d end up walking away, so she decided to talk to him in his language. 

He’d memorized her body so she could only do the same for him, as she watched him just like she always wanted to watch him, like he was her favorite movie, or he was the words she always longed to write. 

“I love you,” she said to him. “My mind is just a very complicated space.” 

He nodded as he looked into her eyes. She intertwined her fingers with his and led the way to the backseat of the car, he chuckled nervously. 

“Y/N, see this is why we can’t be friends,” he pointed out as he was interrupted by y/n’s kiss again as she dragged him into the car. “Hm—y/n—y/n,” he chuckled as he was pushed into the sit, y/n on top of him, carefully peppering with kisses all across his face. 

*

She shushed him again as she finally sat on his lap, legs opened and wrapped around him, still kissing him deeply and softly as she brushed her lips across his jawline

“Y/N—I’m pretty sure this is illegal, darling,” he said half complaining as he threw his head back, letting himself enjoy her lips as her hands were still teasing him on the edge of his muscles, her fingers threading lightly still to the muscles that connected his legs to his torso. 

She chuckled as she whispered against his ear, “that’s never stopped us before, darling.” She used his word. 

He immediately went red and turned even warmer, he knew he usually was in control of the situation so y/n being the one to be sucking on his neck as his hands went up to cup her breasts felt slightly different. 

He felt a smirk against his neck as y/n felt a hard bulge growing against her heat. Before he did anything about it, y/n’s hand finally travelled down to wrap her hand around it. 

“Fuck, y/n, fuck,” he said as he brought his hands to his head as he threw it back, defenseless. 

Y/N smirked, “what do you want, baby?” She asked as she slowly stroked his length, very slowly. 

Tom couldn’t put words to his mouth as she kept watching him with mischief. “I—“

“Tommy, use your words, darling,” she said as he was twitching. Y/N didn’t know where she’d gotten her attitude from, but she enjoyed watching him pleased as her hand kept slowly going up and down, very, very slowly, hearing as his breath was halting, chest going up and down. 

“Fuck me,” he pleaded, desperately. 

She pulled her hand off and continued the path from before, but her fingers were viciously touching his skin. “Care to be more specific?” She asked, with the wittiest of smirks she’d ever shown him as she slowly grinded against him, Tom was pretty sure she was spelling his name with each movement. Honestly, she didn’t know what she was doing, but seeing him so small as she rocked her hips against him gave her power. 

“Y/N,” he pleaded again. 

She wrapped her arms around him, “you’re so pretty,” she stated watching him. 

“Fucking ride me, already, y/n,” he said defeatedly. 

She laughed, blushing slightly, “okay, Tommy.” The attitude was gone. 

He laughed along, “did-” He couldn’t stop laughing now, throwing his head now back from laughter. “I love you were really into being dominant and then you just-” 

She giggled,” shut up, I’m-not, I--shut up,” she was embarrassed now. “I tried- but-shut up, you’ll ruin it, I was going to-fucking ride you.” 

He laughed. “Oh, yeah, you were.”  

She buried her face against his neck, still not able to put herself together. 

He grinned and pulled her face  up to kiss her, “I’m still turned on, darling, no worries,” he admitted as she reached into his pocket for his wallet. He was slightly amused by the fact she knew where the condoms were as she took one out and struggled to open it.

She couldn’t stop giggling, though ,and he watched her the very own way y/n loved to be watched by him, as if though she was the most stupid girl in the world, he couldn’t love anyone else. 

“God, I love you,” Tom admitted as she had finally calmed her snickering and opened the condom,  with the widest smile he could give her, and y/n only looked up to him and peppered his face with kisses. 

“I love you too,” she admitted, as she kept deepening their kiss. And she wasn’t even embarrassed because she knew that he loved her even when she was silly. Y/N knew she didn’t want to let him go, and in no way was she going to break up with him, and he was right, they couldn't be friends. Friends don’t touch each other like that. 

Actually, she thought, nobody touches each other that way, so intimate and delicately, posing and tracing each other’s bodies and hearts in sync. 

No one could ever kiss her like that, not when the sun was going down, disappearing in the ocean, as the moon had already made its way up, covered by some clouds and surrounded by the pink sky. 

They both pushed their pants and underwear down and sloppily y/n wrapped the condom around him. There were still some giggles in between their lazy kissing, before y/n finally positioned herself on top of him, letting him fill her up. 

She had to catch her breath, and Tom threw his head back but wandered his hands under the sweatshirt he had once been wearing that day. He was thankful enough y/n had decided not to use a bra as his fingers traced their way through her breasts, as y/n’s owns hands were digging against his shoulders, steadily finding her rhythm as she jumped up, and down with pleasure, as soft pants came from each of their mouths, Tom brushed his nose under her neck and down to her still covered chest, as his hands travelled down to her ass to help her rock against him. Quiet moans leaving their lips as they threw their heads back with pleasure.

Over, and over again, y/n going up and down and circling her hips to get her some friction, he got the hint and with a hand caressed her core as she jumped in and out.

“Use your words, darling,” Tom said cockily as y/n still washed with pleasure laughed. 

“Shut up, I’m--close,” was all she could say as she grinded against him, and she could tell by his face he was close too. 

Her own high washed her first but she, tiredly continued to rock against him until she felt him twitch, as he let out a moan, coming undone as he tried to catch his breath. Y/N didn’t pull out, but continued to pepper his flushed face with soft small kisses. 

“I love you,” she repeated before each single kiss. 

*

Then Tom, without even thinking about it, and knowing deep down it probably was a very stupid idea, offered the following, “what if you move in with me?” 

next chapter

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[endlich-allein]

Promo "Liebe Ist Für Alle Da" (2009), Christoph "Doom" Schneider  — Interview by Philip Lageat, 16-11-2009, Nantes (Rock Hard #94)

Rock Hard : With six studio albums in the bag, it must be more and more difficult to establish a setlist. How do you deal with that ?

Christoph "Doom" Schneider : Strangely enough, we take our heads less at this level than in the studio. I am therefore going to surprise you by telling you that this is done as simply and naturally as possible, since we ultimately proceed in a very democratic way : each of us draws up a list of our favorite titles. We then compare the desideratas of each... and the majority wins, provided however that the songs chosen fit well into the show. We did it this time around and it worked really well, since we shared an identical opinion on many songs. Personally, I find that we have found a good balance between old songs and new songs. We play a lot of songs from our last album, Liebe Ist Für Alle Da, which suits me well because I admit that I was fed up with some old titles. I was almost sickened by playing them. So we discarded them, otherwise I think we would have quickly become jaded of the new show. So we had to be careful what we choose, because, given the special effects that we deploy on stage, it is quite difficult for us, after the fact, to make big changes in the setlist. It is that each of us must know precisely what to do, and where it must be, during each song : a misstep, a second of inattention, and you are toasted like a peanut ! (laughs) Anyway, a setlist usually follows you during a whole tour and I'm happy with it which, as I said, seems to me to be a happy medium, a pretty harmonious balance, between old and new songs.

RH : Twenty years ago almost to the day, on November 9, 1989, we witnessed the fall of the Berlin Wall. As an East German, do you remember this historic moment ?

Christoph : Yes, I was in town. In the middle of the night, I heard the radio announcing that people were destroying the Wall. It must be said that, for a few days already, the rumor had swelled that this was going to happen. But I stayed home because quite frankly, I couldn't believe it ! (laughs) It wasn't until a day or two later that I crossed the Wall for the first time to go west. At the risk of disappointing, I was therefore not one of those people we saw on TV riding the Wall and destroying it with a pickax or hammer. I remember I was of course delighted, but the shock was such that it took me a while to adjust to this new life : during the first two or three years, I had the feeling of not being able to be part of nothing and of everything at the same time, to evolve in a space of total freedom. To tell the truth, it was an extraordinary period ! In East Berlin, it was chaos. We squatted in houses where we organized huge parties... (smile) There were no rules and a sweet scent of anarchy hung in the air. Musically, we all continued to play with our respective bands and for a while it didn't go so badly. Until we realized that the situation had changed dramatically and that these bands belonged to a period from now on bygone, were from another age. We felt that the time had come to start a new adventure by creating another group. The foundations of Rammstein were laid... From the start, we defined what our sound should be. Very quickly we figured out that even if we rehearse hard, we would never be able to sound like an American band. That's why we tried to create something unique, which really looks like us.

RH : Do you remember the first concert you saw in the West ?

Christoph : It probably must have been an unknown punk band. But the first big gig I attended was a Red Hot Chili Peppers show at a tiny club. In 1990, it seems to me. They were not as popular then as they are today and did not perform in large venues yet. Before this concert, I had never heard of it. It was a Californian who was squatting at my house who told me that it was a good group and offered to go see it. When I think about it, I wonder what she and I could say to each other, since I couldn't get a word of English ! (laughs) Anyway, we went to this concert and I took a huge slap. Never before have I seen something so exciting ! This is an evening that I will never forget...

RH : Despite multiple internal friction, Rammstein has always kept the same line-up. How do you explain this stability ?

Christoph : Rammstein is only worth the sum of his individualities and their uniqueness. If one of us left, or whoever, we wouldn't be dealing with the same group. Rammstein would no longer be. So, it's true, there were tensions between us during the recording of the last album (see previous interview), but that's how Rammstein works. I believe in these guys... And then we always had a fight every time we set foot in the studio, and that, for any album. It's just that, when we were younger, we were able to find common ground faster because we were less stubborn and had less ego. Maybe we are too stressed out today when we work together, because we know it is going to be a long and painful process. And that, we find it more and more difficult to bear it. But for me that's a good thing, because these tensions are a blessing, in that they sharpen our creativity. Without them we would not achieve exciting results. We only yell at each other over simple taste issues : "I like it, why don't you like it too?". It's just that sometimes we tend to forget about it and take things too personal. At my level, I now tend not to want to impose my point of view if the majority does not think like me. Others, on the contrary, do not get along with age and refuse to give up even the smallest square inch of land (laughs). Hence endless heated discussions. Not to mention that the producer also has an opinion and that we therefore have to juggle the desires of seven people. You should know that for the most of us no longer get along with the producer (Editor's note: the Swede Jacob Hellner who has so far produced all of Rammstein's albums) in terms of choices and tastes. We have not changed, not evolved one iota. We are still able to develop this stupid energy in order to provoke, and I like that because some people expect us to mature with age, that we become more "adult". And here we are shooting a porn clip (Editor's note: allusion to the video for the single "Pussy") ! (laughs) We're still the same kids who, twenty years ago, were overflowing with youthful enthusiasm : "That's going to be a blast. So what are we waiting for ?"

RH : To conclude, do you really sell this box containing Six dildos that we could see on the Net ?

Christoph : (Visibly embarrassed) I have no answer to that question. I think this is more of a joke than a reality... And then who would buy this anyway ? (laughs)

© P.R. Brown (2009)

#rockhard magazine special rammstein 2021 #rammstein in press #rammstein interview #rammstein #christoph schneider #till lindemann #flake lorenz #paul landers #richard kruspe #oliver riedel

[fyeah-bangtan7]

V: “I have a desire to perfect one cool thing about myself”

As he’s being interviewed, V speaks his mind at a relaxed pace. But there was one moment where he kept on speaking without taking a breath. Look for that moment in the interview below. You listen to a lot of old music on vinyl. Has any particular artist’s music excited you since your last interview with Weverse Magazine? V: I was listening to Louis Armstrong’s music again. And I picked up some albums with a pretty jacket that’s also got a lot of really good hits on it.

How do you feel when you’re listening to those classics? V: I feel like I’m beginning to relax a bit. If I listen to a song when I’m feeling depressed and then really get thinking, the things that are frustrating me disappear, and I can feel myself becoming more peaceful. And it makes me picture things in my head. For example, some songs might make me think of seeing something in front of me while walking down the road somewhere at night when I listen to them. I think setting the mood for listeners is the most important thing. The mood will presumably be different for everyone, but for me, those songs are the ones that are good at setting a really beautiful mood in the moment.

You said that you got inspiration from artists of the past like Sammy Davis Jr. for your performance in “Dynamite.” Was there any artist who inspired you for “Butter”? V: Well, there was Billy Joel. When I shoot a music video, I think of a movie more than any one artist. And when I perform on stage, for some songs I think of the way movies like Reservoir Dogs look. For “Butter,” I watched a lot of teen movies. And musicals. After that I randomly ended up seeing a video on YouTube of some scenes from an old teen movie Johnny Depp did [which turned out to be the movie Cry-Baby]. The image I got from that was really intense. That’s the look I used in “Butter.”

“Butter” felt like a teen musical to me and now I know why. V: I did it like a teen musical, just like you say. When we shot the “Butter” music video, I really, really tried to shoot the part in the elevator so it would feel like a teen movie. Although a lot of takes were edited, so not all of it’s there. (laughs)

What kind of feeling do you get from that kind of teen movie that you find so charming? V: For me, teen movies show a youthfulness that’s appropriate for the age. I think there’s an appropriate mix of emotion, energy, and a completely different and peculiar mood that everyone necessarily experiences at that age. If you watch teen movies, they’re overflowing with energy and full of sunny emotion, but behind it all they’re not as bright as they seem. They are really bright, but the color itself almost feels like some kind of filter. They feel like they have a different filter than other movies, so I tried thinking of teen movies when we shot the music video and put on performances.

That teen movie feeling seems to be divided in two between “Butter” and “Permission to Dance.” By the looks of the thumbnails for the fancam focus videos uploaded to the BANGTANTV YouTube channel, “Butter” seems to showcase a really cool character, while “Permission to Dance” is more teenagers smiling brightly for children. V: The teen movie vibe in “Butter” and “Permission to Dance” are different from one another. We showed the sunny image people usually think of when they think of teen movies in “Permission to Dance.”

Do you think that going with the teen movie vibe influenced your vocals to be the new style that you used? In “Butter,” you still had your signature vocals but without the deep notes, giving them a new feeling. V: That’s because, when we’re given a concept, we have to come up with vocals that fit with the concept. I think my singing style matched up with the concept, so I feel relatively satisfied. There was nothing majorly difficult about actually changing the style itself, since unlike changing your voice, you only have to change your vocal technique. Having said that, even though the notes in “Butter” were high for me, I still hit them! (laughs)

I guess hitting the high notes was your assignment this time around as a vocalist. V: I’ve been working a long time to make up for my weak points. For example, I thought I was weak when it comes to high notes because I sing low parts a lot and I tend to sing in a flowing way. But I had trouble when we were recording “Dynamite” and I had to sing the high notes during the chorus. I got so mad (laughs) so I practiced a lot.

How does it feel to see the results you’re seeing with “Butter” now after all that effort? V: I’m just trying not to rest on my laurels. Like instead of savoring the feeling, I feel like I should go to bed early for everything I have to do the next day? Getting back in tiptop shape quickly is what’s important, so I haven’t really had time to bask in the joy very much. I’m just working hard at the work I had like I always do.In your 

New Year’s greeting on YouTube, you said you regretted not being able to put on the show for ARMY you wanted, and that your 2021 resolution is to “follow my own pace and pattern” when you work on music. Do you think your personal pace and your professional pace are in step this year? V: No. [My professional pace is] fast, so fast. (laughs) We have a lot we have to get ready for since we’re always promoting. It can be challenging sometimes, but in a way, I think it’s also given me a good opportunity to become a little stronger.

I imagine it’s meaningful to do the work for your own songs, because you can slip into your own world. You also made “Blue & Grey” when you were having a hard time, and it consequently became a song that allowed you to empathize with many people and vice versa. Looking back now, what kind of song do you think “Blue & Grey” will be remembered as? V: I think with “Blue & Grey” I just wanted the song to let people know how I was feeling, and how we were feeling, at that time a little better. Obviously everyone was having a hard time, but I think I wanted to share those emotions with ARMY as-is, including the pains we went through in our growth process. And, to put it another way, I think I just felt like making it obvious. (laughs) I thought it was okay to be that obvious, seeing as I couldn’t put those feelings into words. I just hope people could understand how I was feeling; it’s okay if it becomes forgotten later on.

In the “BE-hind Story” interview on YouTube, you talked about the first line of “Blue & Grey”: “Where is my angel?” You explained how, when you have any kind of issue, you close your eyes and wish for your angel to come and think. Are there times when it seems like your angel understands your feelings, as you just mentioned? V: I get a ton of answers by doing it. I’m not religious, but whenever I have some kind of issue, I close my eyes and think about it. Is this right, the way I’m thinking about this, or not? They’re just yes or no questions, like, Does my outfit look good today? Instead of just worrying about what you should do, if you tackle it in the form of a question, you  get a response with the answer.

I guess it could work when you’re looking for inspiration in your life, but what about for your music? In your previous Weverse Magazine interview, you said you make a note whenever you feel something. V: I write in my diary in hopes that it’ll help with writing lyrics and so I don’t forget those feelings. I do it constantly—I open up my diary whenever something comes up. I copy melodies that pop up in my mind, lyrics, and other things from my diary to my notes app temporarily, and when I’m taking a break or I get the urge to work, I open my notes and say, Let’s try this out today, and run over to the studio.

You released “Snow Flower,” featuring Peakboy by V, on Christmas Day. Is that another song you ran to the studio to work on after the feeling came to you? V: For that song, when I was drinking with some older musicians, we were talking about doing a song together, and then we were like, Well, do you think we’ll have time to do that? So we decided to do it right then since everyone was available. My mixtape was delayed, so I at least wanted to play a different song for ARMY, and I thought, since I’m a bit tipsy (laughs) I thought I should try writing something. So I made the song really quickly. In maybe three hours.

Even though you made it quickly, the composition is somewhat complex and it has the same unique atmosphere that “Blue & Grey” did. V: There’s times when I’m, like, in the zone (laughs) and can make a song all in one sitting, but when I’m not feeling it, I end up revising it more and more. And I don’t want the composition to be too obvious, so I try to change up the way the melody flows. With that kind of sharp image coming to you almost immediately, what were you imagining for that song? V: You might think “Snow Flower” is about a type of snowflake, but I was actually thinking about snow and flowers separately. I started hoping that flowers wouldn’t wither away and just keep on blooming on snowy days. But in reality, when it snowed, all the flowers were crushed, the world became blanketed in snow, and I felt like the flower buds turned into snow flowers. I wrote that song about how I felt after watching that happen.

It must be important to feel things intuitively when you’re trying to express yourself through song. V: If it sounds pretty to me: approved. (laughs)

On the other hand, as a member of BTS, you have a job where you have to deal with a packed schedule and keep various situations in mind. How does that make you feel? When you celebrated your Billboard Hot 100 win on V LIVE and the topic of your clothes came up, you joked that you wore them to give off an idol vibe. V: It’s fun. It’s fun, but I could also say it’s hard. The performances are fun. I think idols should shine in a way that’s suitable for their age, and it’s important to do lots of things for fans like ARMY. Not just performances, but also posting pictures, having conversations on social media, making content. We’re artists and idols, so we think each and every one of those things is important. That sentiment won’t change just because we’ve achieved so much success.

You recently held an impromptu event on Weverse for ARMY. V: I’m sure there’s lots of ARMY out there who are tired of not being able to see us in person. But since the only thing we can do for them is to be on stage and stuff, I was worried that we’re not doing enough for them. And I love being able to talk with ARMY so much that now it’s like a habit that I read their posts. I have a thing today. I have a test today. I’m moving today. Somehow I feel better when I hear their stories. When I end up reading things like about how ARMY are living or what kind of lives ARMY have, I can’t help but write a response, and because of that ARMY respond, so I try to become friendlier in a more fun way, too. I want us to be more than the Billboard number one Bangtanies—I want to be ARMY’s partner, their best friend, the friend who’s always by their side when we’re not on stage. It feels like business when I talk about communicating with ARMY. (laughs) I just want to talk with a close friend. I wanna talk with a close friend—that’s exactly how I feel. It’s been a long time since I could see my friend, ARMY. Usually when friends can’t see each other they keep in touch all the time. I can talk about all kinds of things like that with ARMY thanks to the Weverse platform, and because I can hear all about their lives, I think I was able to go on Weverse and hold that kind of event.

You’ve been talking about ARMY nonstop for a few minutes. I was going to ask you how you feel about ARMY, but I think you already answered the question. (laughs) V: They’re just, well, friends I would hate to lose. Friends who seriously give me strength whenever they’re around. Sometimes you find friends like that in life. It’s like that with the other members, and I have other friends who I can share my feelings with. And I have ARMY. So I can’t help but do whatever I can do to make those people smile and make them feel happy.

Well then, is there a song you’ve heard that you want to let ARMY know about? A song that shares your feelings. V: Umm, recently … “No. 1 Party Anthem” by Arctic Monkeys. When I hear that song … I get emotional, somehow. I don’t usually listen to a lot of rock music, but I can instantly feel the band’s emotions with that song. I seriously get goosebumps listening to it, and emotional, and just all kinds of feelings. It’s to the point that, as soon as I hear that song, I think about how I really want to live well.

That song really means a lot to you. V: Actually, I don’t really know what’s up with that song. I don’t even know the lyrics, but I’m quite clear on what sort of emotions the melody and the band’s performance give me.

Don’t you feel like that’s an emotion you want to express to people, as an artist? Like you don’t have to explain your messages in detail? V: I don’t know. I just want to exchange the good, and be the one to embrace the bad. So I have a desire to perfect one cool thing about myself.

So how close do you think you are right now to becoming an artist who has perfected something cool? V: I’ll say 2%. It’ll go up someday later. (laughs)

© source

#bangtan #v #m:weverse magazine #210729

[c-optimistic]

Fun promt: Kara thinking she is ill and asking Alex to check her over because she gets red anf has sweaty hands when Lena is around

It starts like this: a racing heart, trembling fingers, and an irresistible urge to lock eyes, no matter how awkward or unwarranted such a thing may be.

Clark looks at her in confusion the first time he notices it—shockingly enough, fairly early in her affliction. She’s spent far more time with Lena as Kara than as Supergirl, and she’s still not quite sure how to act around the woman who’d somehow become her best friend when she’s in the suit. She thinks that’s half the problem, that uncertainty around Lena, and that’s where the symptoms originate.

It’s new, it’s strange, and this whole situation is making Kara feel some kind of way. Lena is mumbling something about her mother, Lillian Luthor is rolling her eyes and making a snarky comment back, and Kara is trying to regulate her breathing, control her heart beat, and avoid Clark’s eyes all at once.

(It’s not possible.

Mostly because she finds herself increasingly focused on Lena’s movements, on the words coming out of her mouth, on the way her eyes flick between the crest on Kara’s chest and Lillian Luthor’s sneer.

It’s not possible, and Clark does her a kindness by not mentioning it—not that day, and not anytime later, remaining entirely silent on the issue.)

It escalates like this: her previous symptoms are accompanied by harder to hide physical reactions. Her hands are sweaty, her cheeks are red, and when Lena gives her those looks (those looks, the ones that should be illegal, the ones that set Kara’s blood on fire), she feels rather faint.

But there’s so much between them—between Kara and Lena, between Supergirl and the CEO of L-Corp, between the Kryptonian and the Luthor—that it’s hard to take a moment to figure out what the symptoms mean (hard to even notice that she feels them almost exclusively when she’s in Lena’s presence, and sometimes when she catches glimpses of Lena on television or in the paper).

(Nia notices the symptoms by accident. Or perhaps she merely dreams about it, Kara isn’t sure. But Nia doesn’t seem to think of it as anything serious, winking at Kara knowingly whenever Lena is around.

Somehow this worries Kara more.)

It comes to a head like this: they mend their relationship and go back to their easy friendship, except everything is different. Lena’s touch feels like an electric shock, her hugs leave Kara sagging into her, and just a whiff of Lena’s perfume leaves Kara breathless. (Through it all, she still has the racing heart, the trembling fingers, the irresistible urge to lock eyes. She still has to wipe her sweaty hands on her pants, turn her head when she knows it’s become far too red, and giggles nervously to hide the fact she’s feeling faint.)

“Are you all right, Kara?” Lena asks one day, clearly having noticed all the symptoms long ago, but choosing an unremarkable night at Kara’s apartment to finally bring them up. Kara swallows hard, wishing she could look away from Lena’s green, green eyes.

(She wonders, idly, if perhaps that’s what’s causing her symptoms—Lena’s green eyes.

She wonders, but only for a brief moment. Kryptonite, after all, didn’t leave her feeling like she can take on any challenge the way Lena’s eyes do.)

“I think I’m coming down with something,” Kara manages to say, biting her lip. She’s never felt this way before. Could it be an alien bug? Some sort of Kryptonian cold? Perhaps that’s why Clark had remained silent when he first noticed it.

“Really?” Lena asks, reaching out and placing her hand on Kara’s forehead, the simple action being the catalyst for several reactions: Kara’s breath hitched, her skin felt feverish, and she had the sudden, outrageous urge to step closer to Lena. “You feel fine to me,” she continues, her breath hot on Kara’s face, making her eyes flutter close without her consent. The urge to be closer becomes almost impossible to resist, and Kara forces herself to pull away from Lena’s touch.

“Definitely sick,” she informs Lena as she opens her eyes and tries to ignore her racing heart and clammy hands. “I’ll see Alex about it tomorrow.”

x

Alex looks at her with a single raised eyebrow—a cross between a disappointed mother and a very amused older sister. They’re at the DEO, in the med bay, the sun lamp’s glaring light above her making Kara wince a little. But Alex had insisted they leave it on the second Kara had mentioned she felt a little under the weather.

Now, though, Alex looks like she regrets this whole conversation. (And maybe also wishes she was recording it.)

“Run that by me again,” she says, ducking her head and putting her hands on her hips.

“I said I think I’m sick.”

“Oh, I got that part. I want you to run the symptoms by me again. Slowly this time.” When Kara doesn’t immediately speak, Alex looks up with an expectant look, motioning with one of her hands for Kara to get on with it.

Kara runs through the symptoms once more, this time a little more slowly. She ends with what had Alex rolling her eyes in the first place, by mentioning she only feels the symptoms when she’s around Lena.

“Great, thanks. Now. How did you feel when you had a crush on James?” Alex asks, giving Kara a significant look.

“Crush? I don’t see how that’s relevant to—oh,” Kara mumbles, blinking rapidly.

“Yeah, oh,” Alex says, clearly trying not to laugh as she leans forward and places her hands on Kara’s shoulders. “How long have you had a crush on Lena?” When Kara can do nothing but take in a deep breath, Alex struggles not to laugh again. “That long, huh?”

“I didn’t notice,” Kara protests.

“Obviously.”

“Nia knew,” Kara realizes aloud. Alex snorts.

“Probably.”

“Oh gosh, Clark knew too!”

Alex can’t help it anymore; she breaks down into laughter, actual tears forming in her eyes.

x

Once Kara knows what she’s feeling, it’s a little bit easier to control the symptoms when she’s around Lena. Mostly, it’s because she can stop panicking as she desperately wonders why her heart is racing, and can instead just stare and think about how pretty Lena looks in the sunlight.

“You seem better. Did Alex figure out what was wrong?” Lena asks suddenly, sitting down on one of the park’s many benches. They’d taken to walking during their lunches together, figuring that they (namely Lena) couldn’t afford to have Big Belly Burger milkshakes and not try to get her 10,000 steps in.

“Oh,” Kara stutters, sitting down next to Lena, fidgeting with her glasses. “Yes, she did.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Was it some rare alien virus? Can you catch human colds? What was wrong?” Lena sounds more curious about the science of it all than anything, but Kara’s long since learned not to let that get to her. She knows Lena cares, but she also knows that Lena’s a lot like her father, a scientist and researcher at heart.

“No, sorry. I wasn’t actually sick, apparently.”

“Oh?” Lena asks, her curiosity morphing. A smile plays at her lips, and that look (the one that sets Kara’s blood aflame) makes a stellar comeback. But rather than look away like she usually does, Kara leans into it, basking in the look, in the attention, in the feelings Lena’s able to elicit. “So what was wrong?”

“I have a crush.”

“A crush?” Lena repeats, sounding incredulous.

“Why, do you not do crushes?”

“No, because I’m approaching thirty,” Lena says, though she shifts on the bench so that she’s pressed against Kara’s side. “I don’t crush, I pine.”

“Pine? That’s somehow better?”

“Pining is more sophisticated, Kara,” Lena informs her, giving that look again. “So who are you crushing on?”

“You’re the sophisticated one, who are you pining for?”

For a moment, it doesn’t look like Lena will answer. But then Kara hears Lena’s heart do a strange stutter for a change, and Lena’s green eyes are focused on Kara’s face, and Kara is helpless to look away.

“You may know her, actually,” Lena says slowly, the edge of her hand pressing against Kara’s. “She’s blonde. Blue eyes. Her cousin is a reporter or something.”

“Oh,” Kara manages, realizing she’d hoped but hadn’t quite actually prepped herself should it happen. She feels faint again, feels the sweaty palms and the need to sag into Lena’s side. “She sounds nice,” Kara says lamely.

“Very nice,” Lena returns, looking amused. Kara is so helpless to look away. “I kept waiting for her to say something, for years it feels like, but she never did, so I assumed it was one sided. I didn’t realize she just hadn’t recognized what she felt.” Lena’s more than a little nervous, Kara can tell, and she takes Lena’s, well, perfect hand in her own sweaty one.

“Definitely not one sided,” she rushes out. “Just not used to having romantic feelings for someone.”

“So?” Lena prods after a moment, their eyes still locked.

“So what?”

“Who are you crushing on?”

Kara reaches out with her free hand and brushes a stray hair out of Lena’s face. “I should hope that it’s obvious that it’s you.”

#fanfic #supercorp #new #asks #anon #thanks for the prompt it was lovely

[ericmun]

210314 Shinhwa’s Eric and Dongwan’s Instagram Updates

Just a quick note as what might transpire this. There have been posts from fans pressuring about the lack of Shinhwa activities and Eric got the flak usual. One post in particular on the day before (Saturday night) that tagged all the members that probably why this happened, why he feels he’s been treated unfairly, as well as explaining why he had to go on SNS.

The clash between Eric and Dongwan is nothing new. It is mostly personality differences and ways of doing things. We are posting this because everyone has the right to understand what’s going on with a full and accurate translation (as accurate as possible) of how things went. Thanks so much 6crystalis for these long translation.

Eric’s 1st post:

I was keeping track quietly, but the problem is that the gap between internal affairs compared to external perception is too big, and so, there is constant conflict between the two. I thought if just leave it, it would slowly disappear by itself. Instead, the difference became so big, these was nowhere left to take a stand. I always thought that when it came to problems, the right thing to do was to dig it up by its roots and untangle it bit by bit; you shouldn't try to cover it up and pretend nothing happened. But in the end, I chose to listen to the opinions of different people and left it alone. One guy who always put group activities before all other work. Another guy who puts certain emphasis on solo activities, but during this period is emphasizing on Shinhwa activities. Although, it caused problems for group communication and schedules, but to fans, he is an intimate and gentle guy. Two people with different thought processes, so I've decided I need to go find and understand each person's differences. But everyone is too one-sided on who they are listening to, to the point that only support the one saying nice words to them, and cursing the condition of the person who is quietly working hard for the group. Isn't that too much? If the problem only stopped at supporting VS not supporting, it doesn't matter, but is it really necessary to go to the extremes of praising one side to high heavens and making personal attacks on the other? Right now, it's not 50/50, it's more than 90% of the people who think the latter's style is correct. Then that means everything I had been doing during that period is wrong. Just let me switch places with the later then, it's easy. But, can you put on some restraint, the group of people on DC? Aren't you tired? Stop gathering in groups in places I'm absent and discussing things that aren't set? If you want to talk about those things, then say it when you come join the group meeting. Didn't I already ask you guys (the members) 3 weeks ago about setting the schedule? If you actually want to resolve this, then let's talk. I have no way of contacting you, so I'll tag you, and I will also let Andy know. You'll invite me to tomorrow's live right? I'll be there.

Note: Eric tagged Dongwan for this post as seen in the photo

Source: muneric Translation: 6rystalis

Eric’s 2nd post:

Because I was afraid of causing conflict, I thought just leaving it would make it disappear, so I chose to say pretty words filled with hope that were false to make people happy and just leave everything. I think that’s just making me doenjang (superficial/full of BS)

Text on the chat:

ERIC: What time is the live tomorrow, Andy? ANDY: The time is not set yet, hyung. We'll set it after meeting with Dongwanie hyung tomorrow. ERIC: Can you tell him to invite me for tomorrow liveㅎㅎ ANDY: Okay ERIC: ㅋㅋㅋ ANDY: ㅋㅋㅋㅋ ERIC: I'm curious what he'll say ㅎㅎ No matter what he says, just forward it to me. I'll also adjust as needed. If it's really too convenient, then I'll think of a way to adjust it. ANDY: eung eung (yes yes)

Source: muneric Translation: 6rystalis

Dongwan’s post:

I am Kim Dongwan.

First of all, I feel very sorry for all the Shinhwa Changjo who got shocked.

Tomorrow, I will meet the members and have a good talk. Because it is internal affairs, we should discuss it among ourselves first.

The previous announcement about holding a live with Andy will go ahead as planned.

The conception of Shinhwa albums and concerts require the investment of a lot of manpower. This isn't completed by members on their own, or can be completed by just any member. To members, Shinhwa activities are very important and something they really look forward to. So, I have always taken into account the opinions of all six members, and after adjustments, produce a conclusion that is satisfying to all members.

Before getting this conclusion, other than the members' opinions, communication with the production team is also very important. It requires the polishing of time and opportunity.

Apart from the problem about contacting me... If we could've had a little bit of communication with the production team beginning last year, if we could've communicated so that they could feel at ease, then Shinhwa and Shinhwa Changjo wouldn't have had to encounter a situation like this... This is a point that I feel a bit regretful about.

We work hard together to be the Shinhwa that will paint a beautiful painting for Shinhwa Changjo.

Thank you, everyone.

Source: danedkim Translation: 6rystalis

Eric’s 3rd post:

Starting from 3pm, I had been asking Dongwannie and constantly checking with Andy for updates, but there was no answer at all about whether he was going to accept or reject my request to be there. Said it was because the production team couldn't contact me, so that's why they couldn't go forward with their work. Then let me tell you about my position. It started around "Sniper" activities? Around 2015-2021, he hasn't been in our group chat for 6 years; and after being blocked, I never got his new phone number. During the time I announced my marriage, because of "whether I let the members know I was getting married", I was being attacked. There was that brother that came out and loudly said, "Eric definitely has his own reasons~ Please understand~" Kept getting cursed or something. From the blank period in the military to album production in the years that followed, schedules and venues were booked one year in advance by me. I wouldn't know how to keep in contact with the production team? In those 6 years, I'm always telling everyone we should hold a meeting. Every time, the schedule is adjusted weeks in advance so that we can have this hard-earned chance to meet up. Even like that, we weren't able to see each other. There are too many times where there was no other way because of deadlines to just hold a meeting with 5 people.

Last year was the same. Again, I told the members that we should meet, everyone should open up some time in your schedule. And then the date was set, but on the day, we were stood up. The kind-hearted members were finally able to meet up after so much, but weren't even able to take a picture for proof before we separated. I was also really tired, so I suggested if it's hard to find time in your schedule, then let's use group chat to to figure things out, it'll be more convenient. I'm also really busy with work. Each time I have to adjust my schedule so we can meet, but if it gets cancelled on the day, I'll also feel really tired. Even so, he still refused to use group chat to discuss things. I'm also human. I thought, "We're in pandemic conditions and I still have dramas to film. If it continues like this, just leave it, stop pretending to be close." And so, at the end of last year, I stopped joining the group chat. But the root of the problem is here. In the 6 years that I have been doing all this, where I was constantly cursed, after I left group chat for a mere 3 months? Under the circumstances where I was absent, you had a meeting in a chat, in the way where you are comforting others and telling them to air out their raincoats? At that point, I couldn't hold it anymore. A few days ago, a Shinchang chat was established in Clubhouse. Like it was an official channel, you talked about things that members have never discussed or confirmed. There was even content that we haven't even heard of before. Yesterday, you said, "It wasn't you. It was because there are a few members who don't want to hold Shinhwa activities that these activities weren't confirmed in the end" ?

I'm not playing that despicable SNS where you can say things without leaving any evidence, talking about things that don't exist or politics where people criticize you. But to be different from being like that despicable SNS. I chose to leave a record of what I'm saying to be criticized. I guess it can be considered me saying what's on my mind. 6 years and 3 months. I'm too angry, so I suggested in the past that for 3 months, everyone should calm down on their own and think about what our things mean to us. If suggesting these 3 months is wrong, then I admit it, I apologize. But, in the post, it brought up the production team. I really want to ask, am I really the one affecting Shinhwa's schedule? Up until now, I've asked another members about this situation, yet I'm still unable to get a solid answer about whether you're accepting my arrival. Instead, you confirmed on Instagram that it's Eric and the production team's miscommunication that things couldn't be confirmed? I'm preparing to take a rest right now. I'm going to treat it as you rejecting to invite me to join you tomorrow. If members discuss things in the future and really want to make our dongsaeng, who's caught in the middle, uncomfortable, then just continue to do so. The person I wanted you to invite was me, so why are you replying to the fans? It would be great if I also had the ability to omit the main point and say words that sound nice to the ears. But, I'm also human. I apologize to everyone for having to listen to such tiring story.

Dongwan’s reply: I had a phone call with Andy around 6pm. I said that the 3 of us should meet and talk together. Perhaps he hasn’t told you yet.  I’m coming to Seoul tomorrow. We’ll talk face to face.

Source: muneric Translation: 6rystalis 

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Eric also did 2 more posts about the hate posts from Shinhwa DC Gall. We might translate it later if translator has time.

#shinhwa #Eric Mun #Eric Moon #Mun Jung Huk #Eric #Lee Minwoo #Kim Dongwan #Shin Hyesung #Junjin #Andy Lee #신화 #에릭 #문정혁 #이민우 #김동완 #신혜성 #전진 #앤디