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forestdeath1 · 1 month

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Canon Sirius through quotes

Part 4. How Sirius shows care towards people and animals.

Sirius has a trait that often seems like irresponsibility or excessive harshness.

Sirius really respects another person's free will and choice and even treats teenagers as adults with their own minds. It's a deeply rooted idea of respecting others as agents of free will.

That's why he has no pity for those who make mistakes, including himself. To him, any mistake is always a person's free choice. Sirius will never forgive Peter because, regardless of Peter's circumstances for betrayal, it ultimately was a CHOICE. He even refuses to forgive the Ministry (as if the Ministry cares, oh Sirius):

‘Don’t worry about Percy,’ said Sirius abruptly. ‘He’ll come round. It’s only a matter of time before Voldemort moves into the open; once he does, the whole Ministry’s going to be begging us to forgive them. And I’m not sure I’ll be accepting their apology,’ he added bitterly.

He tells this to Molly after she encounters a boggart. Contrary to popular belief, in this scene, he doesn't really comfort her after their argument. Lupin does most of the work. Sirius just adds this phrase. He's still angry at Molly for what she said, just acting more maturely and not escalating the conflict further. He's angry because he understands Molly said exactly what she meant. Molly is also angry at him, they generally love to get angry at each other because they don't really understand each other.

They were both speaking in carefully light, polite voices that told Harry quite plainly that neither had forgotten their disagreement of the night before.

He even considers Kreacher an agent of free will.

‘You’d be surprised what Kreacher can manage when he wants to, Hermione,’ said Sirius.

As they say - where there's a will, there's a way. When people say that Kreacher was lower in the hierarchy than Sirius (as any house-elf would be), Sirius himself did not see it that way, and it’s truly paradoxical. He argued with Kreacher, kicked him, engaged in verbal battles, though he could have just given direct orders. Kreacher's insults towards Sirius were similar in style to Walburga's (otherwise, where would Kreacher learn those insults?), and Sirius... Sirius, instead of direct orders, just yells back or kicks him. When Harry gives Kreacher a direct order to shut up, Kreacher obeys instantly. A house-elf must obey the direct orders of their master. But Sirius doesn't give direct orders. Because for him, Kreacher is also an agent of free will (and also some ‘‘member‘‘ of his beloved and hated family, as Sirius is much more attached to the Blacks than he would like to admit).

Because of his attitude towards equals, Sirius fights for Harry to get the information he needs. For Sirius, Harry is an adult, not a five-year-old child who needs to be looked after in the style of Molly. Molly deprives Harry of his agency, his choice, and his own opinion with her overprotection. We have to understand Molly; she really worries for all of them, as half her family is in the Order and can die. She doesn't want to lose Harry, so she tries to protect him in every way. Plus, they all have orders from Dumbledore. Isn't Molly right? Molly has her point, she works for the Order and thinks Sirius could harm with his too "independent" behaviour, and teach Harry this excessive independence. And what does independence from Dumbledore lead to? Molly knows well (and so does Sirius) – last time such "independence" from Dumbledore cost the Potters their lives. I don't want to judge Molly. She's a member of the newer incarnation of the Order of the Phoenix, and a good one at that. Sirius, however, is still mentally in the era of the Order's original incarnation (as is Lupin, though he is more conforming and softer), a time when the rules of engagement were harsher, with much more focus on the grim realities of war. The newer version of the Order operates with different tactics – emphasizing manipulation, cunning, and caution.

Molly and Sirius have different approaches. Molly is about caution. Sirius is about action.

Sirius treats Harry as a subject, not an object to be shielded from information.

Sirius knows where his area of responsibility is and what he can influence, and where he should not interfere:

‘Not just yet, Molly,’ said Sirius, pushing away his empty plate and turning to look at Harry. ‘You know, I’m surprised at you. I thought the first thing you’d do when you got here would be to start asking questions about Voldemort.’

‘I did!’ said Harry indignantly. ‘I asked Ron and Hermione but they said we’re not allowed in the Order, so –’

‘And they’re quite right,’ said Mrs Weasley. ‘You’re too young.’

‘Since when did someone have to be in the Order of the Phoenix to ask questions?’ asked Sirius. ‘Harry’s been trapped in that Muggle house for a month. He’s got the right to know what’s been happen—’

‘How come Harry gets his questions answered?’ said Fred angrily. ‘We’ve been trying to get stuff out of you for a month and you haven’t told us a single stinking thing!’ said George.

‘It’s not my fault you haven’t been told what the Order’s doing,’ said Sirius calmly, ‘that’s your parents’ decision. Harry, on the other hand –’

He doesn't tell the twins anything because it's not his responsibility. But Harry – that's his responsibility. And Sirius believes it's up to him to decide what Harry is allowed to know and what not (considering Dumbledore's instructions "I don’t intend to tell him more than he needs to know, Molly").

‘He’s not your son,’ said Sirius quietly.

‘He’s as good as,’ said Mrs Weasley fiercely. ‘Who else has he got?’

‘He’s got me!’

In the situation with Molly, you see two opposing views clash. Molly, with the archetype of a guardian, wants to shelter everyone with her care. Sirius, with the archetype of a rebel, respects Harry's wishes and wants to open up new knowledge and opportunities for him to fight.

‘He’s not a member of the Order of the Phoenix!’ said Mrs Weasley. ‘He’s only fifteen and –’

‘And he’s dealt with as much as most in the Order,’ said Sirius, ‘and more than some.’

‘No one’s denying what he’s done!’ said Mrs Weasley, her voice rising, her fists trembling on the arms of her chair. ‘But he’s still –’

‘He’s not a child!’ said Sirius impatiently.

Sirius probably stopped considering himself a child very early on. Maybe it came from his conservative family, where children were expected to grow up earlier, not walk around as "little children" until they were 18. They think about marriage, duty to the family, responsibility early on. Plus, wizards come of age earlier – at 17. So, for Sirius, 15 years old is not a child anymore.

That's why Sirius defends Harry's right "to know".

‘But as he was the one who saw Voldemort come back’ (again, there was a collective shudder around the table at the name) ‘he has more right than most to –’

Sirius really encourages taking action. His way of caring isn't about coddling. It's about giving knowledge, opportunities, resources, and supporting in the right direction. For Sirius, to live is to act; he can't be without action, doesn't understand life without it:

‘Personally, I’d have welcomed a Dementor attack. A deadly struggle for my soul would have broken the monotony nicely. You think you’ve had it bad, at least you’ve been able to get out and about, stretch your legs, get into a few fights ... I’ve been stuck inside for a month.’

Sirius can't not act and he doesn't understand how you could do otherwise. He knows Harry is the same because Harry is like his dad, meaning James was the same – always acting.

And he encourages this in Harry. But he always teaches to act with thought, not just charging in. In the 4th book, Sirius was telling Harry not to stick his neck out, but in the 5th, it's the opposite. Sirius has his own logic, which he shows here:

‘So, you want me to say I’m not going to take part in the Defence group?’ he muttered finally.

‘Me? Certainly not!’ said Sirius, looking surprised. ‘I think it’s an excellent idea!’

‘You do?’ said Harry, his heart lifting.

‘Of course I do!’ said Sirius. ‘D’you think your father and I would’ve lain down and taken orders from an old hag like Umbridge?’

‘But – last term all you did was tell me to be careful and not take risks –’

‘Last year, all the evidence was that someone inside Hogwarts was trying to kill you, Harry!’ said Sirius impatiently. ‘This year, we know there’s someone outside Hogwarts who’d like to kill us all, so I think learning to defend yourselves properly is a very good idea!’

‘And if we do get expelled?’ Hermione asked, a quizzical look on her face.

‘Well, better expelled and able to defend yourselves than sitting safely in school without a clue,’ said Sirius.

That's Sirius through and through. A true Gryffindor, who won't just sit around when there's danger afoot. You might argue that he shouldn't have encouraged Harry in this way. But what else was he to do? Hand Harry over to Umbridge? Of course not. He trusts Harry, believes in his potential. He treats Harry as an equal, not as a child, and that's why Harry feels so connected to Sirius – at last, someone sees him as mature enough, respects him as a free person. Throughout the series, Harry has been shielded from the truth, kept in the dark, yet Sirius shows him a different kind of respect – he sees Harry as someone who can act, in whom he places his trust and belief. Is Sirius right? When it comes to Harry – absolutely. As for the war, the Order, and following Dumbledore's orders – Molly would definitely disapprove.

He even passes Molly's words on to Ron. In his sarcastic manner, but still:

… anyway ... first of all, Ron – I’ve sworn to pass on a message from your mother.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said Ron, sounding apprehensive.

‘She says on no account whatsoever are you to take part in an illegal secret Defence Against the Dark Arts group. She says you’ll be expelled for sure and your future will be ruined. She says there will be plenty of time to learn how to defend yourself later and that you are too young to be worrying about that right now. She also’ (Sirius’s eyes turned to the other two) ‘advises Harry and Hermione not to proceed with the group, though she accepts that she has no authority over either of them and simply begs them to remember that she has their best interests at heart. She would have written all this to you, but if the owl had been intercepted you’d all have been in real trouble, and she can’t say it for herself because she’s on duty tonight.’

Again – a striking difference between what Molly understands by care and what Sirius understands by it.

Sirius lets Harry feel that he's believed in, respected, that his actions are encouraged. Sometimes Sirius criticises them, because as much as he encourages action, he believes all actions should be reasoned. Act according to logic, not thoughtlessly.

For instance, Sirius sternly reprimands him in the 4th book when Harry, in his opinion, does something foolish. And notice his communication style. Sirius is often blunt in conversation, in his way of talking, he doesn't sugarcoat. And Harry's okay with that. Sirius isn't one for mushiness.

Harry – what do you think you are playing at, walking off into the Forest with Viktor Krum? I want you to swear, by return owl, that you are not going to go walking with anyone else at night. There is somebody highly dangerous at Hogwarts. It is clear to me that they wanted to stop Crouch seeing Dumbledore and you were probably feet away from them in the dark. You could have been killed.

Your name didn’t get into the Goblet of Fire by accident. If someone’s trying to attack you, they’re on their last chance. Stay close to Ron and Hermione, do not leave Gryffindor Tower after hours, and arm yourself for the third task. Practise Stunning and Disarming. A few hexes wouldn’t go amiss either. There’s nothing you can do about Crouch. Keep your head down and look after yourself. I’m waiting for your letter giving me your word you won’t stray out of bounds again.

That's what care means to Sirius. Not forbidding him from knowing information. But actively helping him so Harry is ready to stand up to challenges.

Or like this:

‘Now, listen ...’ he looked particularly hard at Harry – ‘I don’t want you lot sneaking out of school to see me, all right? Just send notes to me here. I still want to hear about anything odd. But you’re not to go leaving Hogwarts without permission, it would be an ideal opportunity for someone to attack you.’

‘No one’s tried to attack me so far, except a dragon and a couple of Grindylows,’ Harry said.

But Sirius scowled at him. ‘I don’t care ... I’ll breathe freely again when this Tournament’s over, and that’s not until June. And don’t forget, if you’re talking about me among yourselves, call me Snuffles, OK?’

At the same time, he provides Harry with emotional support. Just without the mushiness. There's a sort of rough tenderness about it, making these signs of attention and love seem even more important and pleasant.

‘What’re you doing here, Sirius?’ he said.

‘Fulfilling my duty as godfather,’ said Sirius, gnawing on the chicken bone in a very dog-like way. ‘Don’t worry about me, I’m pretending to be a loveable stray.’

The post owls appeared, bringing Harry a good-luck card from Sirius. It was only a piece of parchment, folded over and bearing a muddy paw print on its front, but Harry appreciated it all the same.

He also provides Harry with real resources that can help him:

‘I want you to take this,’ he said quietly, thrusting a badly wrapped package roughly the size of a paperback book into Harry’s hands.

‘What is it?’ Harry asked.

‘A way of letting me know if Snape’s giving you a hard time. No, don’t open it in here!’ said Sirius, with a wary look at Mrs Weasley, who was trying to persuade the twins to wear hand-knitted mittens. ‘I doubt Molly would approve – but I want you to use it if you need me, all right?’

‘Sirius’s knife,’ he said. ‘Excuse me?’ ‘Christmas before last Sirius gave me a knife that’ll open any lock,’ said Harry. ‘So even if she’s bewitched the door so Alohomora won’t work, which I bet she has –’

Sirius isn't inclined to pity. He respects the choices of others. His care is expressed in this – he knows people's strengths and trusts them to do their job. He thinks Hagrid will be okay because Hagrid is tough. Why worry?

‘Listen, don’t go asking too many questions about Hagrid,’ said Sirius hastily, ‘it’ll just draw even more attention to the fact that he’s not back and I know Dumbledore doesn’t want that. Hagrid’s tough, he’ll be OK.’

And he respects the choice of the twins' father, though many find Sirius's words harsh:

‘We don’t care about the dumb Order!’ shouted Fred.

‘It’s our dad dying we’re talking about!’ yelled George.

‘Your father knew what he was getting into and he won’t thank you for messing things up for the Order!’ said Sirius, equally angry. ‘This is how it is – this is why you’re not in the Order – you don’t understand – there are things worth dying for!’

But it's not cruelty or indifference, it's respect for their father's choice, as an agent of free will.

Sirius even treats animals this way. Look how he got on with the cat. And yet he understands that animals are defenceless and need support. He doesn't expect danger from them and often finds comfort in their company.

‘This cat isn’t mad,’ said Black hoarsely. He reached out a bony hand and stroked Crookshanks’s fluffy head. ‘He’s the most intelligent of his kind I’ve ever met. He recognised Peter for what he was straight away. And when he met me, he knew I was no dog. It was a while before he trusted me. Finally, I managed to communicate to him what I was after, and he’s been helping me ...’

Kreacher injured Buckbeak the Hippogriff yesterday, and, at the moment when you made your appearance in the fire, Sirius was upstairs tending to him.’

Crookshanks, Hermione’s bandy-legged ginger cat, who wound himself once around Harry’s legs, purring, then jumped on to Sirius’s lap and curled up. Sirius scratched him absent-mindedly behind the ears as he turned, still grim-faced, to Harry.

Sirius, who had just entered the room carrying a bloodstained bag of what appeared to be dead rats. ‘I’ve just been feeding Buckbeak,’ he added, in reply to Harry’s enquiring look. ‘I keep him upstairs in my mother’s bedroom

Soon, however, he was moodier and surlier than before, talking less to everybody, even Harry, and spending increasing amounts of time shut up in his mother’s room with Buckbeak.

He became more and more prone to what Mrs Weasley called ‘fits of the sullens’, in which he would become taciturn and grumpy, often withdrawing to Buckbeak’s room for hours at a time.

Sirius befriended the cat, treated it as an intelligent being, and constantly cared for the hippogriff. Sirius is very closed off from people (after Azkaban, he only opens up to Harry and Remus), he builds a tough armour, but easily opens up to animals and easily cares for them in a nurturing manner – and they love him back.

In conclusion, Sirius respects the free choice of others. For him, pity towards another is demeaning. Sirius hates pity – neither for himself nor for others. To pity = to demean, to pity means to acknowledge the other as incapable and weak. And Sirius doesn't meddle in others' relationships, he well separates his zone of responsibility, and care for him is to give resources and information so the person can act. And he's good with animals, and to animals, he can show a different attitude – nurturing, because acknowledging animals as weaker doesn't demean them, because animals truly are weaker.

This character trait of Sirius isn't for moral judgement, just that's how he is, and it's important to understand that.

#sirius black #the marauders #sirius black meta #the marauders meta #hp meta #sirius and harry

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lex-hj0519 · 8 months

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what do you think we’d do, let them starve?

Just a little drabble based on this line in OOTP, cause it always makes me think, "well, that is pretty much what you did to Harry..."

“And as for who’s going to look after Ron and Ginny if you and Arthur died,” said Lupin, smiling slightly, “what do you think we’d do, let them starve?”

Mrs. Weasley smiled tremulously.

As Mrs. Weasley mopped her eyes and muttered that she was being silly, Lupin’s words washed over Harry.

“What do you think we’d do; let them starve?”

That’s what they did to him, Harry thought bitterly. They’d dropped him off on his aunt and uncle’s doorstep and left him there for ten years. Nobody had cared about the days and nights he spent in his cupboard with his stomach grumbling, hoping that he could sneak out to steal food from the kitchen after the Dursleys fell asleep.

A sharp feeling of hurt shot through him as Lupin continued to comfort Mrs. Weasley, and Harry abruptly turned on his heel and left the room. He climbed the stairs two-at-a-time, desperate to get away from the others before they noticed that something was wrong. He climbed the stairs until there were no more stairs to climb, ending up in the attic. It was cluttered with furniture, trunks, boxes, and other knick-knacks, but Harry found a clear spot and squished himself in between a battered steamer trunk and a side table that had legs carved to look like snakes.

He tucked his knees up, wrapped his arms around his legs, and buried his face in his knobby knees. He was not going to cry. He was not going to get upset. He was going to sit here and breathe until all of these stupid emotions stopped stirring around in his chest, and then he was going to go back downstairs with no one the wiser.

Off in the distance, he could hear another set of footsteps climbing the stairs. He waited for them to stop off at one of the floors, but they kept coming and coming until the attic door creaked open. Harry didn’t move. He didn’t even lift his head. Maybe if he stayed squished here in this spot, whoever it was wouldn’t notice.

“Mind if I join you?”

Harry didn’t want to see anyone. But of all the people who had come after him, he was glad it was his godfather. Harry shrugged awkwardly, still not looking up. Sirius picked his way through the clutter, pushed the steamer trunk aside, and sank down beside Harry so they were sitting shoulder to shoulder.

Sirius bumped his shoulder gently. “Are you all right, Harry? That boggart scared me, seeing your dead body laying there.”

Harry slowly raised his head to look at his godfather. Sirius looked even more pale and drawn than he usually did. Harry hadn’t even thought of how the boggart would have affected him.

“I’m all right,” Harry muttered.

Harry was grateful when Sirius didn’t push him to say more. They sat in a comfortable silence for a long while, with Harry slowly slumping and leaning into Sirius’s side. Sirius tucked one long, skinny arm around Harry’s back and pulled him closer into his side.

“If you want to talk about it, I’m happy to listen,” Sirius said gently.

“Talk about what?” Harry asked grumpily.

“About why you ran off like there was a Hungarian Horntail on your tail,” Sirius replied. “Was it just the boggart?”

“No,” Harry admitted after another long silence. “It was something else.”

“Thought so,” Sirius said. Harry wanted to roll his eyes at his godfather’s smug tone.

“It was what Lupin said after,” Harry said.

“What Remus said after?”

Harry tilted his head to look up at his godfather, who was looking down at him with a furrowed brow.

“Mrs. Weasley was worried about what would happen to Ron and Ginny if she and Mr. Weasley died. And Lupin said that they wouldn’t let them starve,” Harry repeated.

“And that upset you?” Sirius asked curiously.

Harry shrugged and looked down at his hands, twisting the edge of his t-shirt.

“It didn’t matter when it was me,” Harry mumbled after a long silence. “I – I was hungry all the time growing up. And nobody ever checked on me.”

Sirius swallowed hard and tucked Harry even closer into his side. Harry buried his face in his godfather’s shoulder to hide the tears that he could feel prickling in the back of his eyes.

“I used to sit in my cupboard and dream about someone coming to save me. But no one ever did. Not until Hagrid brought my Hogwarts letter. And even then, I still had to go back. I always have to go back.”

“Oh, Harry,” Sirius whispered into his hair. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you then. But I’m here for you now. And I’m not going to let you go back.”

Harry didn’t want to get his hopes up. He had before, and they had been torn away from him as fast as a hippogriff could fly. But as he sank into Sirius’s comforting embrace in the dusty old attic of Grimmauld Place, he so badly wanted to believe that this could be it: this could be the day that he was finally saved.

#good godfather sirius black #sirius and harry #sirius black #harry james potter

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tealighttalks · 1 year

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« je t’aime »

photo cred: m.blakeart on instagram

« je t’aime » sirius whispered down at the baby in the cradle who’s hair spiked up in all directions. « tu es très beau » and harry kicked his feet while sirius danced him around the house. « fière de toi » he gasped when harry finally walked. sirius whispered his love in french to harry. his harry. his beautiful, strong, silly godson.

the first time sirius saw the sunlight in years and all he could think of was his godson. je t’aime. je t’aime. je t’aime. and when he his arms wrapped around harry at last he whispered his mantra into harry’s ear « je t’aime »

and harry smiled.

#aesthetic #poem writing #poetry #harry james potter #sirius black #sirius and harry #marauders #writing #short story

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oxydiane · 1 year

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The scene at the start of Prisoner of Azkaban in which Harry accidentally summons the Knight Bus after seeing Padfoot never fails to make me incredibly sad when I think about it. Sirius didn't even want to talk to Harry or try convincing him of his innocence, he just wanted to see him. Sirius had so many chances to try and convince Harry of his innocence, but all he wanted to do was kill Pettigrew and ensure Harry's safety. Him roaming Little Whinging, him hiding under the Quidditch Pitch bleachers during Gryffindor's matches, all he wanted to do was see Harry. He loves Harry so much, my heart aches.

#soo talks #it's loving sirius and harry hours #i made myself sad #harry potter #harry james potter #good godfather sirius black #sirius black #sirius and harry #prisoner of azkaban #and fuck peter

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my-castles-crumbling · 4 months

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gift - @wolfstarmicrofic - word count: 393

"Hey, Moony!"

"Moo!"

Remus grinned as he walked through the door with Lily, the sound of Sirius and Harry's greetings making him chuckle.

But his chuckles quickly turned into an all-out fit of laughter when he got to the kitchen to take in the scene before him:

Harry and Sirius were at the table, which was covered with old issues of The Daily Prophet and had paints and brushes scattered across it. However, Sirius's admittedly-mature effort at keeping things clean must have gone horribly awry at some point, because both boys were covered in paints of every color, and there were smears of paint on the floor, counter, chairs, and- ceiling? How they managed that, Remus didn't want to know.

Luckily, Lily seemed to take it all in stride, because she walked in behind Remus and said, "Wow, you two! You've had some fun today, huh?"

Harry let out a squeal of approval and threw a paintbrush across the room.

"Harry painted you and Prongs!" Sirius declared proudly, gesturing to a painting that consisted entirely of lines and blotches. ("Maaaa Daaaa!")

"Well, he's certainly got abstract painting under control," Lily remarked with a grin, plucking Harry up from his infant chair. "Let's get you cleaned up, shall we?"

She disappeared up the stairs with a babbling Harry.

"Harry's going to be sad when Prongs gets back from his trip and you don't have to watch him every day anymore," Remus remarked lightly, grinning at Sirius, who was picking paint out of his hair.

But Sirius just laughed and gestured to another painting. "I made something for you. Could be worth millions someday," he said with a wink.

Remus looked at the paper. It was...unsophisticated. Two stick figures, one taller than the other. The shorter one had black hair and the taller one wore what could only be described as a ridiculous sweater with polka dots that Remus suspected were finger-painted on.

They were holding hands.

"It's us," Sirius shrugged, smiling softly.

Remus tried not to get too emotional over a silly little painting, but something about it tugged at his heartstrings. He swallowed the lump in his throat and laughed lightly. "You clearly have a gift, Pads."

"Wanker."

"I love you," Remus murmured, pulling Sirius into a hug.

"Love you more."

They hung the picture on their fridge when they got home.

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theprongspotter · 5 months

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Harry: Do you have regrets?

Sirius: Regrets? No, no, I left those behind.

Harry: You make it sound so easy.

Sirius: I spent years hating every fiber of my being. I wouldn't quite call it easy.

c: @promptsforthestrugglingauthor

#marauders #marauders era #marauders incorrect quotes #incorrect marauders quotes #dead gay wizards from the 70s #dead gay wizards #gay dead wizards #sirius black #sirius orion black #baby harry potter #harry potter #sirius and harry #harry and sirius #regulus black #regulus arcturus black #regulus and sirius #sirius and regulus #the black brothers #the most noble and ancient house of black

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punkharryp0tt3r · 6 months

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Some order member: Harry can’t be that much of a danger

Sirius: That’s a stupid thing to say.

The order member: Why’s that?

Remus: Someone said my scars were ugly and devil like so Harry burnt down there house.

Everyone else: WHAT-

Harry, crossing his arms: Well they deserved it.

Remus: Harry, there family died in the fire-

Everyone else, mouths hanging open:

Harry: …

Harry: Still deserved it-

#harry potter #sirius being sirius #sirius black #wolfstar #harry potter incorrect quotes #harry potter fandom #harry james potter #hp headcanon #harry potter thoughts #marauders incorrect quotes #incorrect quotes #incorrect marauders quotes #incorrect harry potter quotes #order of the phoenix #sirius and remus #remus being remus #remus and sirius #sirius and harry

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khwxbeeda · 9 months

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Sirius leaned his hip against the kitchen counter and breathed out, letting his eyes fall shut. He wrapped his arms around himself and tipped his head back, controlling his breathing till it was a perfect time period— 4 seconds in, 6 seconds hold, 8 seconds release. Repeat.

The kitchen was silent.

It was a rare thing, a silent kitchen— the Order met here for meetings, dinner time was best described as utter chaos, Molly bustled around banging the pots and pans and yelling at her children. Grimmauld Place had a perpetually noisy kitchen, except now, in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep.

The silence was… relaxing.

He breathed out and opened his eyes, slowly turning his head to take in the entirety of the dingy but clean room. The dinner table was spotless, the mahogany wood gleaming with the new coat of polish he and Harry had layered onto it a few days ago. Next to him an empty goblet stood on the counter, emblazoned with the Black Family crest and motto, glaring up at Sirius for daring to use it to drink a few sips of late-night wine. Sirius ignored its presence and picked up the bottle of Nebbiolo red that he had poured from. It wasn't wise to drink more than one glass if one couldn't sleep, and Sirius knew better than most what alcoholism did to people.

"Sirius."

He looked up, and smiled.

"Hello, Harry," he murmured, and Harry gave him a tight smile in return. The expression made something curl unpleasantly in his ribcage, and he kept the bottle back down to walk over to Harry. Close up, there were dark bags under his eyes and his skin was paler than death, and his eyes… Sirius did not want to think about how similar that look was to the one he saw in the mirror.

He wanted to fix everything. He wanted to give Harry a good home, a good life, a good family. He wanted, with all his heart, to have a chance at making everything right. He wanted to drag Harry into a hug and tell him that he was loved, that he deserved better, that he could just say the word and Sirius would take him far away from Britain and its shit politics.

"I didn't hear you come in," he said instead.

Harry shrugged and stuffed his hands into the pocket of his worn-out black hoodie, blinking slowly at the bottle of wine.

"I didn't know you drank," he said quietly, and Sirius almost smiled at how similar he sounded to James when he had been going through puberty. Harry's voice was low, a little raspy, and it suited him well. The thought of James sent a pang of grief through his heart, as usual, and he ignored it in favour of shaking his head.

"Never more that a few sips," he answered as he set it back down, silently pulling out two chairs and gesturing at Harry to take a seat. "Orion drank a lot. Those were never good moments."

His voice echoed around the kitchen, the silence of the night raising the volume so it seemed like he was speaking from all corners of the room. Harry slumped into the chair next to Sirius and looked around, and Sirius swallowed at the gleam in his green eyes. It was… he wanted to make that haunted look go away.

"You know," he murmured, and the boy's eyes snapped towards him. "People keep saying you look exactly like James. With your—"

"—mother's eyes, yeah." Harry looks away, jaw clenching and relaxing. "I know."

Sirius smiled. "It's not entirely true."

Harry looked at him, eyes suddenly sharper than a dagger, and Sirius felt his heart ache at the familiarity of the expression. He nodded at Harry's look of disbelief, smile growing wistful.

"The shape of your lips is all Lily," he explained. "James had a wide-set, smiling mouth. You and Lily, though— little rosebud mouth. James always said Lily was one of the Celtic Fair Folk because of her narrow face."

Harry smiled at him, wonder shining in his eyes, the shadows a little less dark compared to a few minutes ago. Sirius considered that a win, and kept talking.

"And your eyes.. Lily had forest green eyes, with hints of brown and golden if you were close enough to see it. Calm and serene most of the time, till she got angry. Then it felt like she could stab you with just one look."

Both of them huff out quiet little laughs, and Sirius tilted his head up to stare at the ceiling. He could barely get the next words out through the lump in his throat. "You, though— the most brilliant green eyes ever, the exact shade of the Killing Curse. You have your grandfather's eyes."

The sharp breath Harry sucked in echoed through the air like a gunshot.

Sirius twisted his head to glance at him. His expression was unreadable, but there was something… Sirius felt his blood boil.

"Nobody told you about your grandparents, did they?"

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