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#show me one therapist who makes 300$ in half an hour
marlahey · 4 years
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wsitd part fifteen (sneak peek)
a shawn mendes rpf fic rating/warnings: can anyone tell I still find fandom really annoying misc notes: so...hello again. literally so much has happened since the last time you saw me, so much that all I can really say at this point is that I hope you’re all safe and well, despite everything. I swore I wouldn’t abandon this fic and I haven’t! thank god for that. I wish I could’ve finished it for today as planned, but my job’s been nuts for the last few weeks and it totally ruined my writing mojo. in any case, here’s the first last ~3k of we stumbled in the dark. happy second birthday, wsitd. I can’t believe how old you are, suddenly. thank you to everyone who’s messaged me over the last little while and especially in the last few months when this last part was only like 300 words deep and felt so vast and scary. I can’t tell you how much your support has meant to me.  (oh and pls just pretend for the sake of an upcoming scene not found here, Taylor’s Lover is already out in the world. just– just pretend. you’ll see.)  so without further ado:  (previously; start at part one here; find all parts here) (toronto; now) Shawn wants to FaceTime. Slide to answer.
His voice appears first. “Before you say anything, it’s not as bad as it looks.” “What–” You straighten automatically. “Shawn? Are you okay?” Bruises. On his beautiful face. Bruises and a tiny cut below his left eye, the beginnings of a scab along his jaw. Shawn’s rueful expression calms the start of your heart, like jumper cables jolting a battery into a steady rhythm. “I’m an idiot.” “What happened?” you demand, trying not to sound shrill or hysterical. He’s not dying. But his face. “You’re going to laugh at me.” “I won’t.” You’re too glad to hear from him – it’s been two weeks of rain checks and brief goodnight calls. Shawn sighs. The soft light of whatever room he’s in makes his features hazy. It’s late in Nashville. “I fell off a Bird.” “A what now?” “It’s a…” Shawn chuckles like he knows what he’s about to say sounds ridiculous. “Like a motorized scooter?” “Is that even a thing?” Your phone pings with messages: too-high, too-bright angles of him grinning, one hand on the handlebars of said motorized scooter, shots from behind of Parker and Geoff that are too blurry to be Kelsey’s work. Your heart pangs. “So totally worth it, huh?” He laughs. “Yes. Absolutely. I just wanted to tell you first before I like, story it or whatever. Didn’t want you to worry.” “Aren’t you performing? That country music thing?” “Tomorrow,” Shawn nods. You’re too late to conceal your wince. “National television, I know.” “Good thing you’re not just a pretty face?” He laughs so hard that he tips out of frame. Joy blooms inside your chest. “Ow. I think I bruised a rib. Damn El, way to kill a guy’s ego.” “Yeah,” you retort, “because your ego definitely needs taking down a peg.” It’s so easy with him. Somehow you’d forgotten that, amidst everything. A strange kind of sadness sticks in your throat. It clearly shows on your face because Shawn tilts his head. “What is it?” You almost say, nothing. “I miss you,” comes out instead. It feels like weakness, this honesty. You couldn’t really articulate why. “I’m sorry, I–” “I miss you too.” Shawn cuts you off so rarely in conversation that you genuinely stop out of surprise. His smile softens, oddly serious, as though he can hear the lost words: I know I put us here. “Every day.” There’s nothing accusatory in it, nothing reluctant or angry. Shawn says, I miss you, like he’d say, I love this song, with unequivocal certainty and ease. How can you feel better and worse at the same time? “One day at a time, right?” Shawn says gently. You nod. It’s what you agreed, after all. “You should get some rest,” you say. “Near death scooter experiences have to be exhausting.” Shawn snorts, his laugh crinkling around his eyes. It settles you in a way that you have to hang onto, in the days to come. “You sure you’re okay?” you ask, partly so he can’t pose the question himself. “Totally fine, El. I promise.” He’s giving you the out and you both know it. Shawn’s fingertips brush the edges of his camera, like he’s reaching for you through it. (He’s probably just adjusting his grip, but it’s a nice thought nonetheless.) “Call me tomorrow?” he asks. “We have the day off. Maybe we can watch a movie or something.” “Sure. Sweet dreams.” Shawn never hangs up first. He’s always still looking when you end the call, like he’ll never be able to stare for long enough. *
(new york; then) You If you only had one day in NYC what would you guys do with it?
Parker How much time are we talking actually? You As of right now?  Charlie Precision is essential Sinclair. You 37 hours. I’m on the red-eye out tomorrow. You Already packing. No one asks why, though you’re sure there are questions. The band doesn’t voice them in the group chat, much to your relief. Geoff Sophie’s all over it. Have you guys eaten dinner? Shawn Nope, cancelled our reservation last minute. Geoff Be ready in 45. Coming to get you. Brian PIZZA. PIZZA. PIZZA. Suddenly there’s like a hundred pizza emojis blowing up your phone. You’re still laughing when Ava comes to check on you. The laughing might become crying but no one needs to know that. * (toronto; now) “I’ve been thinking about getting another tattoo.” “Oh yeah?” You’d nearly forgotten how much you miss home. High Park in the spring may not be Hyde or Central, but it’s yours all year round – even if you missed cherry blossom season by a mere two weeks. You’ve been lamenting it for three minutes, Shawn mhmm-ing in your ear at appropropriate intervals. He’s in a park too, a brief respite from rehearsal. It’s nice to trade photos of the view and pretend to be together. Tell me something new, you’d asked. This qualifies. “Is this another impulsive itch?” “I thought you liked my little meditative man!” “Oh I love it,” you assure him. You can picture Shawn’s false offense so clearly, struggling not to grin like a loon in front of an eldery couple sitting on a bench as you walk past. “I’ll never forget how terrible you and Brian are at it, and I love that you now have matching tattoos as a permanent reminder.” Shawn mhmm’s again, like he doesn’t believe you. Your cheeks hurt from trying not to laugh. “I’ve thought about it, you know.” “What, meditating?” “No you goof.” You lose that fight against a giggle, a stupid smile. “I mean, nothing against meditating. I’m sure my therapist would recommend it.” “Okay, so what have you thought about?” It sounds just suggestive enough – even in broad daylight at two in the afternoon – that a shiver races up your spine. He doesn’t mean that. But now that the idea’s in your head, you’ve definitely thought about that. “El? You still there?” “Yes!” you say, a little too high pitched. You have to clear your throat. “Hi. I meant a tattoo. I’ve been thinking about a tattoo.” Shawn mutters something too low to catch, your attention caught by laughing children chasing each other across the grass. “Sorry, what was that?” “Nothing.” He’s a terrible liar, but you let it slide. “That’s awesome! Do you know what? Or where? How is this the first I’m hearing of this?” Fondness for him swells like a wave. You shrug before you remember Shawn can’t see you. “I think I just wanted to put a lot of thought into my first one. Not...jinx it, or something? You have to be 18 right, so I figured if I still wanted it by my birthday that I’d just…” “Just what?” You swallow around a sudden knot. How the hell do people maintain long distance for years at a time? This feels like agony. “Get it when we came home from tour. I was gonna… I was gonna ask you to come with me.” “I still could, if you want.” “You’re only home a few days,” you object, half surprised even as the words leave your mouth. “You promised your parents you’d spend that time with them.” “Are you planning on getting a massive sleeve or something, El?” You snort. “No. I just...I know how precious your time at home is to you.” Shawn doesn’t say anything for a moment. Anxiety drops like a stone in your stomach. “I mean, if you get it soon, it’ll be pretty much healed by the time I’m back in the city. Might be a good idea.” You wish sometimes he wouldn’t let you off the hook so easily. “And if you were really mean, you wouldn’t even tell me what it was and I’d have to wait forever to find out.” “I haven’t completely decided yet,” you admit. “I know the artist I’d love though, down on Bathurst. I’ve been stalking her Instagram for like two years. I’ll send it to you.” “Can’t wait. I gotta go, I’m back at the venue. But I’ll call you later?” “See you Shawn. Have a great show.” “And El?” “Hmm?” “Unless you’re planning on getting it like, down your spine or something, it doesn’t hurt as much as everyone says. I dunno how much that scares you, but...it shouldn’t. You’re like, one of the bravest people I know.” A pause, in which you genuinely don’t know what to say. “That’s kinda dramatic. It’s not like, war or something. God. You know what I mean right? It’s really not that bad, I promise.” You haven’t cried in nineteen days. You’re not starting now. “Yeah. Thank you.” I love you. You’ve been swallowing those words for so long and you have no idea why. *
@lightsshawn: she’s gone guys we did it @cruelsummermp3: did what? @dancingwithshawn: got rid of ellie - she hasn’t been seen in three weeks! @afterglow: what the fuck is wrong with you guys? * Shawn For the record I said “Fuck that’s hot.” Shawn And then I thought it might be Shawn Too much. You Not too much at all. You Definitely not.
*
(new york; then) “Next!”
“I never thought I’d be so happy to line up for pizza.” You’re shoulder to shoulder with other patrons in Prince Street Pizza, inhaling the delicious scents of dough and cheese with Kelsey, Kristin, and Ava. The boys have bee-lined for the first available table that’s definitely too small for all of you, while Ava points out all the famous faces that line the walls beneath fairy lights. “I’m glad you’re here,” you tell her, barely loud enough over the din. Your sister just squeezes you gently. “Remind me to print some photos and buy some lights when I get home. I’m really digging this vibe.” “Think you’d get some use out of this?” Sometimes you could swear Ava’s purses are like Mary Poppins’.
“What the– when did you get that?” “From your Amazon wishlist, silly.” Your sister presses an Instax camera into your bewildered hands. “They’re cheaper here. I thought it might…” Ava’s smile softens. “Ease the sting a little. Be a nice project for your room? And I didn’t want you to lose that photography spark.” Not crying. “Did you put film in this already?” Ava nods. “Have at ‘er. Tonight seems like a good night.” You throw your arm around her neck, pointing the camera at your faces, twisting away from the people in line just behind you. The flash is so bright but it hurts in a way that’s almost sweet. “Next!” As predicted, there’s definitely not enough room at the table when you and the other women arrive with The Fancy Prince and a Spicy Spring pizzas. Shawn waves wordlessly towards him, sliding from the absurdly tall chair to offer it to you. As you clamber up, his arm snakes back around your chair and he steps back closer to you. On the outset it’s a space saving measure. But Shawn seems pretty comfortable eating with you essentially tucked against him. You can’t say you mind either. *
They sneak you into a bar.
(or more operatively, Kelsey slides a fake ID into your back pocket on the subway platform while you’re timing a shot of the train arriving. You gawk at it so long that you nearly trip through the doorway. It’s identical to your Ontario license – so much so that you have to check your wallet to make sure you haven’t irresponsibly lost your ID – save your birth year. Ava pointedly avoids your eyes. “Did you have something to do with the fact that I’m suddenly magically 21?” you ask Shawn. Just as he was pleased to eat pizza in close proximity, Shawn seems delighted to wrap his fingers just a few inches above yours around the centre pole inside the subway car. Looking up at him now, you know with a striking certainty that you’ll never tire of it either: the sharing space, the strokes of intimacy that seem so carefully brushed when you touch – incidental seconds hiding more yearning that you thought yourself able to feel. (You wonder if it’s mutual. You hope so.) Shawn just raises his eyebrows, reaching for the card between your fingers, but you jerk it back. “Oh no way are you seeing my driver’s photo.” “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” he says, reaching into his back pocket. Shawn tightens his grip against the pole, stepping even closer as the car shifts back and forth. Something in your gut wants to flush at his words but he’s already extending an identical card to you, unabashed. The voice inside your head that used to see wanting whenever he looked at you now speaks in insistent imperatives: want. want. want. “Shawn Mendes.” You lower your voice in mock shock. “Are you telling you have–” you cast a furtive glance around the subway car, and he chuckles– “a fake ID?” Shawn tips his chin down towards you so that his mouth nearly touches your temple. “Don’t tell, El.” (You do flush this time, damn him.) The youthfulness of his face on his license startles you in a strange way. You forget sometimes that despite the two-ish years (and entire career) between you that makes Shawn feel much older sometimes, twenty isn’t exactly ancient. He can’t even legally drink tonight, for Pete’s sake. “You’re so cute,” he says quietly, like a secret. Your cheeks are hot when he hands you the counterfeit back to you. “And no, nothing to do with me.” “Will this even work? Don’t people get their licenses stolen by bars all the time because Americans don’t understand the concept of different countries?” Shawn shrugs. “Guess we’ll find out.”) You don’t end up needing the fake in a stroke of good luck, but it burns a hole in your pocket nonetheless. (Kristin hands you a red lipstick as you stand in line – “Just in case we gotta sell it.”; it makes Shawn double take in the reflection of the window.) Sophie exchanges pleasantries with the doorman at Hollow Nickel and he waves the group inside to a modest weekday crowd. “We got the first round,” says Geoff. Brian and Charlie blow a series of kisses. “Love you too, dorks.” Sophia returns with two bottles of red and a question in her eyes, to which Ava says, “Fries for everyone?” “Hear hear!” Parker tips his beer. “Got a toast in you, Sinclair?” “A toast?” All evening you’ve been thinking about Paris. And as everyone looks with warm expectancy, you finally have the words you didn’t then. “My birthday was one of the most memorable nights of my life. And I think I was worried that it was the only night like that I’d ever have. But it wasn’t really the city that I loved.” You can’t look right at Shawn. “Thank you.” You lift your glass. “For making that night and every night of this amazing journey so wonderful. I know we’ll see each other again, but I guess – we have tonight, and we’ll always have Paris. I love you guys so much.”
Not crying. “To you Sinclair!” Charlie tilts his bottle with a grin. “We’ll miss ya.” The sound of everyone reaching forward and their glasses clinking hurts too, in that same sweet and painful way. *
(toronto; now) Hey, it’s me. I think you’re either asleep or in rehearsal so don’t even worry about not picking up. I know it’s just a volunteering thing at the humane society but I’m like, weirdly very nervous about it, like god what if all the dogs hate me Shawn? How the fuck would I go on after a blow like that? I’m kidding. But only mostly. I just wanted to hear your voice before I went in. Even if it was just your answering machine. Is that lame? Probably. Anyway...god Ellie, wrap this up. I’ll let you know how it goes. *
You This is Earl and I love him with my whole heart You Sent an image You Look at those ears he’s like a bat I’m dying. Shawn Loved your photo You I’m considering him a good luck charm for my Sick Kids application. You How was the show? Shawn Good :)   It’s unlike him to be so monosyllabic, smiley notwithstanding. Especially about a show. You Where are you? A crosswalk light turns in your favour. You’ve been walking just behind a couple with a giant white Samoyed, admiring his beautiful fluffiness as he sat at his owner’s heel. “Appa, yip yip!” The dog gets up immediately to walk. Holy shit I’m gonna die.  
You’re literally typing Shawn oh my god I just–  when your phone rings in your hand. “Hi.” You catch your reflection in the glass of a restaurant. Do you always look this happy when you talk to him? “El.” Shawn hasn’t said your name like this in a long time – not since In My Blood’s release. It immediately deflates your The Last Airbender excitement and you stop in your tracks; Appa’s swinging tail disappears around the corner.   “Can you ask me again?” You turn down a local greenspace next to your building. The bustle of Queen Street fades and you press your phone closer to your ear. “Where are you, Shawn?” “Back in the hotel in Raleigh. You know that hammock thing by the window?” “In your story, sure. What time is it?” You know the answer, of course. Same time zone. “Eleven something.” Nerves pinch at the base of your spine. “And how do you feel in that hammock thing in Raleigh at eleven something at night?” Shawn sighs. “A little better now that I’m talking to you.” Your stomach jumps. “But? What is it?” The line is quiet for a moment, though you can still hear Shawn’s even breath. “I feel like I’m not doing enough.” “What do you mean?” “Remember what you said when you were filling in your application for Sick Kids? You have all this time and energy so you may as well use it to help other people?” “Yeah…I mean I spent a good portion of my day cuddling cats, but–” He huffs a gentle laugh in your ear and it feels like a victory. “Yes. I remember.” “I just feel like… like I could be doing more to help. What’s the point of having all these followers or this like, platform, if I can’t do good with it?” It seems important to choose your next words carefully. “You know your music really helps people, right? Like Morgan, from London? Like me?” Shawn sighs again. “Yeah. You know how much that means to me.” “I’m not saying you can’t or you shouldn’t look to do more – I dunno, fundraising or educating, or whatever. You’re right, you can and do reach so many people. But it’s not like Instagram is gonna solve every single major social issue in the world, or that you or any single person has all the answers or right opinions.” “I feel like an idiot sometimes,” he says, like a shameful admission. “I literally only have a high school diploma and I feel like, out of my depth all the time.” “It’s not fair that people expect you to speak about every trending topic of the day,” you insist. You can feel yourself on the edge of getting worked up, a surge of overprotectiveness you haven’t felt in a long time. “That’s not your job. What happens when you say something well-intentioned and it blows up in your face?” “That’s what I’m afraid of.” “Shawn…” It takes a second to straighten out all the thoughts now whirling around in your head. “I understand what you’re getting at. And I admire you for it, more than you know. I’m sure there’s a way to help people and use your platform in a productive way without all the...noise.” He’s quiet for a long time. “God, I miss you.” It’s ridiculous how he can still make you blush, even from hundreds of miles away. “I miss you too.” “Are you home yet?” “Just about to get in the elevator. Can I call you back?” “Yeah. Wanna watch something?” “You’re not tired?” “No. Just wanna be with you for a bit, if that’s okay.” There’s no one around but you bit back another stupid smile anyway. “Always okay.”
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criticalbread · 5 years
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body positivity & associated baggage
Just some thoughts and things I discussed with my super cool ex-therapist but-- body positivity is hard, y’all. We can believe one thing and feel another so easily, and then blame ourselves for what we feel. We can think, “I don’t believe anyone should ever be made to feel badly about their body”; “I believe every body size and shape is a good one”; “Every trans body is beautiful and perfect”; “Accepted beauty norms are not the only way to be”. Oftentimes, though, our emotional reactions seemed to contradict the things we believe. We sometimes feel bad feelings about our bodies, their sizes or shapes, we react to what we think they should be and aren’t, to those parts of us that don’t fit the hair-thin range of beauty represented in media. The entire body positivity process of trying to shift these things, what we believe and what we feel, shows quite clearly that belief and emotion are not the same thing, and that they don’t always shift at the same speed.
For me, a lot of body positivity seemed to imply the end goal of feeling, well, positively about my body. The fact that I haven’t been, and often feel negatively, can make me feel like I’m failing at the whole thing, especially as a trans person. There are some important points, though, that my therapist has walked me through that have really helped, and I thought to share them.
==Going from negative to positive in your thoughts and feelings can actually be pretty tough. It’s a huge leap from one end to the other. And why does it have to be? The first step in healing your relationship with your body is some times reaching neutrality. The body isn’t qualitative-- it doesn’t have any quality attached to it like goodness or badness, not until we ourselves attach it. Can you find ways to allow your body some neutrality? Can you try sitting in that neutrality when you find it and just experience it? 
For me, I like to go on walks around my very beautiful neighborhood and park and try to focus on the sensory experiences of my body. I hear my feet on the sidewalk or crunching in mulch, grass, or gravel (pavements are for squares); I hear myself breathing; I feel the wind on my arms, or the sun on my shoulders; I hear wind in the trees, and birds. Another one I try is taking hot baths. I like to watch shows or read in the bath, but I also try to take a moment when getting in to really feel the comfortable heat and smell anything I put in like lavender and just exist in my body. (If I’m feeling really bold, I try to look down at my body exactly as it is and sit in some neutrality and, if I can, gratefulness. Like, “huh. this body is pretty okay.” or “hey there, leggies. thanks for taking me walking.”) In the end, it’s not a good or a bad body because it doesn’t have to be. It just is, and I’m in it and experiencing it. Neutrality is a much better place to try and feel out positivity from than negativity. The leap is shorter! And it feels a lot better than negativity, too.
==It’s one thing to be able to change your beliefs about your body or other bodies or all bodies. It’s quite another to change your emotional reactions. A lot of the time, our emotional reactions are not based solely on what we believe. They’re influenced by a lot of things: by experiences we’ve had, by things we’ve felt in the past, by what we have seen or haven’t seen, by how we weigh the worth of our own happiness and selves, even by habit. They’re reactive. My therapist would often remind me when I was distressed by my feelings, especially when they didn’t match what I believe, that healing begins in the body. Reconnecting to your body through mindfulness, showing it acceptance and finding neutrality, finding ways to appreciate or feel grateful, even the old “fake it til you make it” (”You’re good thighs,” I thought fiercely at my thighs about 300 times before I actually began to feel that they were maybe okay thighs)-- all go a long way to finally budging some of those stubborn knee-jerk bad feelings. So as they told me, “Be kind to yourself. When you have they feelings, treat yourself with the same kindness you give your friends.” As you work towards a more positive outlook, remember that your feelings may feel bad, but you’re not bad for feeling them. Even negative feelings are not qualitative; they just exist as a neutral thing that happens and, more importantly, like all feelings they end.
==Related to finding neutrality, but-- as a nonbinary trans person, I have periods where I go through intense dysphoria. Clothes that had been fine that morning I suddenly can’t stand to wear a moment longer, and I want to disappear from the public eye the moment these feelings hit. I am mortified to think people have been looking at me and gendering me a certain way all day. I feel mortified at the body under my clothes which, more often than not, is why people gender me a certain way. I would start to feel that I wasn’t “trans enough”, that I needed to somehow do more and do better to be REALLY myself, A Nonbinary Person. These times are super hard to deal with, and give me a very low mood.
A recent breakthrough that came from talking with Ex-therapist is this: as an AFAB person who doesn’t bind and has a noticeable hour-glass figure, who wears a lot of clothing designed for my body shape from the “womens” section, I felt keenly even without being able to describe it the gendering and disbelief of people around me at work who know I am nonbinary. In their mind, they were gendering my body as a woman’s body and my clothes (as well as how those clothes sit on my specific body) as a woman’s clothes. Even my “mens” clothes became "women’s clothes” by dint of sitting on top of a pair of breasts, or large hips. How, then, could I be trans? If body is A, shouldn’t clothes be B? I actually had people ask me why I still, “dress like a woman,” when in reality I heard the question under that one: “why does your body look like what I consider to be a woman’s body? and why are you okay with that? are you even really trans?”
My intense dysphoria, I noticed, usually started in a public place when I would catch myself staring at a mirror or my reflection in a window. Without thinking, I looked at myself  and judged not from my perspective, but from an outside perspective. I became my own audience, complete with the midgendering that I had come to expect from my audiences. I was getting anxious and so mixed up by disconnecting from my own feelings about my bodies and clothes and focusing solely on “How would a stranger look at and see me? How would they gender me? Do I look nonbinary to the world?” 
One way to deal with this, I found, was to Distract and Drown Out. The moment I catch myself staring and judging and spiraling, I look away and find something else to focus on, like my phone or a book. Next is to drown out the thoughts and feelings spiral by focusing on repeating to myself the things I actually believe: “My body is not inherently gendered. It is a body. Because it is mine, it is a nonbinary body and an awesome one at that. I like how strong and dense my lower body is, and how easily I build muscle. I like my long curly hair. I like my soft thighs. No clothing is gendered. I picked these clothes because they’re cute/they’re comfy/it’s laundry day and I don’t give a fuck. They’re good clothes.” Usually by the end of this monologue, I’ve at least stopped spiraling emotionally and I’ve stopped the flood of bad thoughts. The next step: Distract. I might open a word doc and write some fic, or read some fic, until I get home. Maybe I Just write down all of the above-mentioned beliefs. The final step is to do some self care. Usually this means going on a walk with a good playlist, then taking a bath while watching Critical Role and laughing my ass off, and if I need to not looking at my reflection for a while until I settle back into neutral. If bad thoughts and feels start to resurface, I go back through the steps. 
**AS A NOTE, Ex-therapist ALWAYS needed to remind me: if all you can do to get through a bad feeling or low is to distract yourself, that’s good enough! That’s fantastic, even! It’s a very, very, VERY useful coping skill. It has its role just like every other coping skill. “But Leesh, I didn’t do any of the things I should have like studied or house work or-” But you did something very important, right? You had a need to cope with something, and you did so marvelously. You did what you needed to do. You took care of yourself. If all you can do to get through something is distract yourself with youtube videos or TV shows or video games or reading, then that’s good enough, and you’re doing good. Distract to take care of your mind, and keep some water and snacks near by to take care of your body, and know you’re doing your best and that’s more than good enough. There’s time later for all the things you think you should be doing now.**
As a final comment on this: my dysphoric periods can last a few days, or even just pop up randomly one morning while getting dressed. I’ll sometimes try on half a dozen different outfits and find myself unable to be happy in any of them. What to do then? 
Well, let’s unpack. A lot of the times, I’m still working through some of the outside misgendering of my body that I’ve internalized. As I put on my more masculine clothes, in my head I have an image of how they “should” look and what I want them to look like when I wear them. This image is usually based on how flat-chested or people who are binding look when they wear these clothes, people who also often have significantly smaller hips than me: the more stereotypical or accepted image of masculinity. Inevitably, I find that the clothes don’t look like that on me, because of my chest and hips. By going in to things with an unrealistic and impossible expectation, I set myself up for failure. I wasn’t working with my body. 
The method I’ve found that works best is this: I’ll take a step back from the tearing-apart-my-closet process and go, “Okay, I might not be able to like anything I put on my body today. I can accept that. It happens, and even though it sucks, I can get through it, and it will end. Instead of finding an outfit that I feel looks super good/perfect on me, and without deciding what I want it to look like on me before I try it on, can I find one that’s super comfortable for whatever activity I’m going to be doing? Can I just wear work clothes and let it be my IDGAF armor that I can just say I’m forced to wear and therefore don’t need to do The Gender Mathematics on? Can I find something I like on the hanger and decide to wear it simply because I like that it has Jeff Goldblum’s face on it or flower embroidery, and not try to compare how it looks on my body to some internal idea or checklist of how I want it to look on my body?” 
Usually, this works out for me with some finagling. I avoid looking at my reflection until the mood has passed if need be. If I start feeling badly about how I look in the thing, I Distract: “This is such a soft shirt. I’m super comfortable right now. I love that this shirt has Jeff Goldblum on it. When I wear my work apron, it looks like he’s suspiciously peeking over the top of it and that’s fucking hysterical because everyone at work apparently can recognize him by eyes alone.” As you can see, I and Ex-therapist are huge supporters for the Distract method. Derailing a thought spiral or feeling is often the easiest way to get it to end and to move past it towards some self-care and the rest of your day. (And yes, it does take practice to be able to do this! Oftentimes, the first step to learning the Distract skill is to just work on noticing when you’re spiraling or ruminating. Sometimes we aren’t aware of when we’re going down the rabbit hole. If you struggle with this, just give yourself the homework of trying to notice when you are. That’s it; you don’t have to then successfully distract or derail. Just notice and be aware. Once you’ve got that down, you can work on a successful Distract method of your own.) Once successfully Derailed, Distracted, clothed, and comfortable, maybe even starting to feel good about my Jeff Goldblum shirt, I am ready to go about my day with my game plan and then do some self care after.
**And this isn’t to say this only works for dysphoria! Being able to derail a spiral also helps with my anxiety, and may be useful for other things as well. The sky’s the limit!**
****And as a final note: all these coping skills that I’m supporting? Sometimes I forget they exist. Sometimes I’m so successful with them that I go, “Depression who?!” Sometimes I try them, and I don’t get all the way through them before giving up, or I’m not successful in distracting/derailing even when I use them. Sometimes I feel guilty and gross for distracting myself all day because I wasn’t productive and haven’t I been taught that that’s bad? If I can’t find neutrality and be grateful to my body this week, am I failing when last week I did so much better?
The answer? No. The truth is, no one succeeds 100% of the time. No one feels neutral or positive 100% of the time, not even whoever is the healthiest most well-adjusted people in the world! Bad feelings are a part of life and always will be, just like the universal truth that they will always end. If you tell yourself, “I’m going to use this coping skill next time,” or “I’m going to notice when I am spiraling next time,” and then you forget the coping skill or don’t notice the spiral-- maybe you will knee-jerk react by feeling like you’ve failed. But not managing a thing every time is not a failure! It’s natural. It’s part of the learning process, no in is successful every time, and it’s just part of the process of forming new neural pathways in your brain. Brains are things of habit, a bit like cats; at time intractable, at times resistant to new and to change, and often difficult to teach new tricks to. So be nice to your brain-cat. If it doesn’t work the first time, try again. Keep working at it as well as keep being nice to it and giving it nice things. If you don’t catch the spiral, maybe think back, note some of the signs or things that maybe caused it, and try to catch the next, and the one after. Say all the fake-it-til-you-make-it phrases even when you don’t believe them because you’re digging the trench of your next neural pathway and, yes, it’s repetitive hard work and not terribly fun, but you’ll get there. Accept yourself when you have a bad day, or when you start to go down the “I failed” route. Always try to find that neutrality and make it your home base.****
This has gotten super long and I still have some useful tidbits I picked up with The Best (ex)Therapist Ever, but I think I’ll end here for now. This post is largely written for my own needing to think through some things and put them into words, but if it helps some folks and give you some new ideas, I’ll be happy C: cheers and good evening, y’all.
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So who wants fluff of Caleb Widogast taking care of his shapeshifting girlfriend? Just me? Posting it anyways. Here’s “Someone I Really Could Care For”.
________________________________________
The facts were these: Caleb Widogast had a girlfriend, Caleb Widogast loved his girlfriend very much, and once a month, Caleb Widogast’s girlfriend would turn into a monster. Most people would say that the least believable fact was that Caleb Widogast actually had a girlfriend, and to be fair to them, Caleb Widogast did not appear to be the dating type, but this does not change the facts. Caleb Widogast would argue that his girlfriend did not turn into a monster as that would imply that she was cruel, horrible, and frightening which she was not no matter what she looked like, but Caleb Widogast was incredibly biased. His girlfriend, Jester Lavorre, didn’t mind being called a monster because she thought it sounded cool.
Most days for them were those of a normal couple. They would have dates, fights, make-ups, and make-outs. Though, they would also have to plan around the full moon (Caleb Widogast liked to point out that Jester Lavorre was not a lycanthrope. The night she transformed just happened to overlap with the full moon).
Caleb Widogast would not change his girlfriend a single bit if he was given the opportunity to(there are many, many things Caleb Widogast would change about his life if given the chance, but that’s a completely different story and something he should really discuss with a licensed therapist).
****
Caleb knocked on the door of his girlfriend’s apartment while balancing two large paper bags full of supplies for the night. Jester kept saying he could just come in, but it felt wrong not to knock. After a long moment, Beau opened the door with Jester wrapped around her. “Finally,” Beau said rolling her eyes. “She won’t let go of me.”
Jester’s eyes brightened when she saw Caleb and instantly let go of Beau. “Caleb!” She hugged him tightly and nuzzled his neck. Her eyes were cloudy like she was miles away from him
“Halo, liebling,” Caleb said pressing a kiss on her forehead. He managed to pass the bags to Beau who put them on the coffee table. “How are you today?” he asked Jester.
She just smiled and snuggled more into him. “Caleb.” Barely verbal, he noted mentally. That meant there was most likely less than a half hour left before she changed.
“Better you than me,” Beau said while patting Jester’s head. “You got everything you need, right? Cause if I have to run out and get anything for you again, you’ll owe me.”
“I’ve got everything we need.” Caleb pointed at the bags.
Beau gave him a mock salute. “I’ll leave you to it then.” And she went to her room.
Caleb looked back down at Jester. “You’ll need to let go of me if I’m to move.”
She frowned up at him, but Jester loosened her grip of him while not quite letting go.
“I suppose that will do for now.” With Jester acting as his cute shadow, Caleb laid his silver wire in front of the door and activated his alarm spell. Once he finished, Jester hummed at him softly and dragged him to the cough. Even if he could’ve resist(Caleb Widogast was not a strong man), he wouldn’t have.
Once they were comfortably curled up on the couch, Caleb pulled a smaller paper bag out of one bag and a book from the other. Jester started pulling on his arm when she smelled the bag. “Soon enough, soon enough,” Caleb said as he carefully opened the bag and counted the contents. He pulled out a pastry and passed it to her. “One.” She gleefully gobbled it up and looked at Caleb with big puppy eyes. “Yes, these are all for you, but we are not having a repeat of the time you ate them too quickly and got sick. Two.” Caleb gave her another pastry. Transforming into anything took a lot of energy and calories and, in Jester’s case, baked goods. Fortunately, Caleb had a deal with the local bakery for their day-old pastries ever since the Mighty Nein cleared out bunch of diseased rats from the bakery’s basement. But Caleb would’ve been willing to pay more for them since they made Jester so happy on a rough night.
“Three. Are you ready for the continuation of ‘Tusk Love’?” he asked. Jester nodded and he had to fight back a sigh. While it wasn’t the worst book Caleb had ever read, this was the fourth time Jester had him read it to her. “Alright, ‘Guinevere clung to Oskar like a wet negligee. “Oh, Oskar,” she said breathily.’ Four.”
After a chapter and three more pastries finishing off the bag, Jester stiffened and got up slowly. It was time. Caleb quickly got up and helped her up. She went over to an empty spot and shrugged him off curling up on the floor. Grabbing a blanket off the couch, he threw it over her and covered her with it. Jester hated to transform alone, but she didn’t want anyone to watch her shifting either. He had missed part of her tiefling hand, but before Caleb could cover it, the transformation had started.
A high pitched whine came from under the blanket, and Jester’s hand scratched at the floor. This was always the hardest part of the night. Caleb knew he wasn’t supposed to watch any part of it, but he couldn’t look away as her hand twitched and strained. It slowly became thicker and larger as the fingers appeared to get shorter. Thick, blue fur sprouted on her hand and her fingernails turned into dark claws that scratched the floor. Another whine came from Jester, but this one was much lower and richer. Her hand was now a paw, but she was no longer clawing the floor.
Jester didn’t move under the blanket even though the transformation was clearly over now. Caleb turned on the music on his phone and selected a song by Jester’s mom. After the first song finished, the blanket shifted and Jester poked her head out. The first few times Caleb saw her like this, he could hardly recognize Jester, but now he couldn’t help but see all the similarities. Sure, her hair had become a thick mane, her curled horns were much larger, and all of her teeth were now razor sharp, but Jester’s eyes never changed and, despite the cruel teeth, it was still her mischievous smile. “Halo, liebling,” Caleb said kissing her fuzzy forehead. She nuzzled the side of his head and shook off the rest of her blanket her large lion like form. There was a stumble when she tried walk still a bit woozy from her transformation. “Careful. Here, let me get something for you.”
Caleb grabbed the other paper bag and pulled out two stuffed toys that were supposedly identical at one point, but one was torn to shreds and barely holding its shape, and the other was, while well loved, in much better condition and smelled of lavender. Both plushes looked like a man in a green robe with the hood obscuring his face. “Which one would you like today?”
Jester nosed the one that smelled of lavender. Caleb sighed with relief while she began to cuddle with it. The other one usually meant that her transformation was particularly painful that night. He kept the music on the playlist of Jester’s mom’s greatest hits(as according to Jester Lavorre) and pulled out a hairbrush and some ribbons. “Which color today?” he asked holding out the ribbons. She pawed at the pink one. “Good choice.”
Caleb counted each stroke as he brushed her hair careful not to hit her horns. Then came the biggest test of the night - braiding her hair. In theory it should’ve been simple; it was a pattern after all. He was good with patterns especially repetitive ones. But he’d always find himself turned around and tangled up and somehow losing half the hair from the braid. Each time he was determined that this would be the time he mastered braiding and each time he was proven wrong. Eventually he finished a crooked, little braid that he thought didn’t look completely terrible and tied the pink ribbon around it. Grabbing his cellphone, he took a picture of Jester and showed it to her. “How’s that?”
Jester gave him an unimpressed look, but nuzzled him anyways.
“I don’t need your pity,” he said hugging her back.
“Hey, need any help?” Beau asked leaning against the wall.
Caleb shook his head. “No, we’re good. You don’t need to worry about us.”
Beau raised an eyebrow. “I have a hard time believing that. Now, scoot over.” She sat down next to him and quickly undid the braid Caleb had worked so hard on. After brushing Jester’s hair out again, Beau expertly french braided Jester’s hair and added the ribbon as a fine pink bow. “This is my darkest secret. Dont-”
“I ever dare tell anyone about it,” Caleb finished for her as he took a picture of it and showed it to Jester. She was much happier with this braid showing her contentment with purring and rubbing against Beau nearly knocking her over.
“Ack! Jes.” Beau tried to be stern but a smile poked out of the corner of her mouth. Jester continued to lean into Beau. “Alright, I’ve had enough of this. You’re on your own Caleb.”
Jester whined as Beau started to leave. “Come on,” Caleb said trying to catch Jester’s attention. “Couch time.” Which were apparently the magic words as Jester immediately perked up and went to the couch and impatiently shifted from paw to paw doing an excited little dance. Caleb chuckled as he got up and grabbed a paper bag out of the first bag.
The next part took a little bit of psyching up for Caleb. He loved his girlfriend no matter what form or size she was(some would say that since Jester Lavorre was a little chubby she needed to lose weight, but these people are known as jerks and should not be listened to), but her more monstrous form was easily twice as large as she was as a tiefling and was over 300 pounds. Caleb braced himself as he sat down and Jester pounced into his lap. Only her front legs and a little bit of her head fitted on his lap, but it was still heavy and Caleb was a little sore at first. Jester purred loudly though and it made everything worth it.
Caleb opened the paper bag and pulled out two pastries from it. “One, two.” Despite her incredibly sharp teeth, Jester delicately took the pastries from him and carefully ate them. He sometimes wondered if she had better manners in this form. As Jester ate her pastries, Caleb grabbed Zemnian Nights to read to her. It seemed to be her favorite on full moons, and Caleb wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he liked it much more than Tusk Love. “Let’s see, when we last left off, Sigmund had just left the auction house having spent all his money on a flower bulb for Drica. Three. Let’s see if he can not get attacked by street thugs this read through. Four. ‘Sigmund could not believe his luck. What he could not believe was whether it was good or bad.’”
Reading to Jester when she was like this was Caleb’s favorite part of the full moon. There was no tension or dread as the roughest part for Jester had already passed and it was just them and a book. It wasn’t as good as a normal day, but there was still a soft contentment to it. If this was going to be what the rest of their lives were going to be like, Caleb could accept it.
Somewhere during their third chapter, Jester drifted asleep and Caleb followed her not long after(Caleb Widogast can and has scientifically proven that the best sleep comes from having a large, lion-like girlfriend sleep in your lap).
Caleb woke up to a gentle headbut. Jester was making soft whimpering sounds and looked very anxious. “Time for you to change back?” he asked even though he already knew the answer. She gently grabbed his hand in her mouth, dragged him to her blanket, and curled into a tight ball next to it. He shook out the blanket and covered her with it again.
Fortunately, the process of turning back into her normal self was an easier one for her, though Jester still didn’t like anyone to watch it. After a moment, the lump under the blanket shrank and Jester the tiefling came out from under it smiling. “Caleb!” Her eyes were bright and he could tell that she was there with him.
Caleb kissed her forehead softly. “Halo, liebling.”
_________________________
The title of the fic comes from the song Blue Moon and is a reference to the transformation scene from An American Werewolf in London(if horror is your thing I recommend this film).
I hope you liked this.
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lookinghbo · 6 years
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'Looking' Made Raúl Castillo A Sex Symbol. Sheer Force Made Him A Star.
In New York, in the middle of July, if the fickle subway system allows it, you’d be wise to arrive at a destination 10 minutes early. You’ll need that time to let the sweat evaporate, to stamp out the damp spots that have betrayed your outfit.
Raúl Castillo forfeited his chance to cool down before shaking my hand at a Manhattan hotel restaurant on a sweltering Thursday morning. I didn’t mind. It was an honest mistake.
The “Looking” star was running slightly late and looking slightly frazzled when he bounded toward our table. He’d confused this hotel for another within walking distance where, the previous night, Castillo had attended a screening of the new Alexander McQueen documentary with his girlfriend, the costume designer Alexis Forte, who has the late fashion maverick’s biography at their Brooklyn apartment.
It’s cute to see celebrities frayed, even ones who are still building their marquee value. Castillo is the type who hasn’t yet abandoned public transportation when navigating the city, even though it’s becoming harder to do so without attracting strangers’ gazes. While trekking home from the “McQueen” event, a Latina teenager tapped him to say she loved “Atypical,” the Netflix series in which Castillo played a charismatic bartender sleeping with Jennifer Jason Leigh’s married character. The teenager’s mother loved “Seven Seconds,” the Netflix series in which Castillo played a narcotics detective tending to a racially charged investigation.
Raúl Castillo: a guy you can bring home to Mom, punctual or otherwise.
It’s his voice that people recognize, the 40-year-old actor said, a modest notion considering his breakthrough role as the sensitive barber Richie on “Looking” made Castillo a veritable heartthrob, despite the HBO show’s modest ratings. But it’s true that his warm baritone gravel is a distinguishing trait. Earlier this year, when I saw “Unsane,” Steven Soderbergh’s scrappy iPhone thriller set inside a mental institution, I recognized Castillo’s intonation before his face appeared onscreen.
That’s a significant feat. Castillo mumbled so much as an adolescent that a teacher recommended he see a speech therapist. He refused, instead reminding himself to enunciate or else using the impediment as a defense mechanism. “I have all these things wrong with my voice,” Castillo said, though few today would agree.
Castillo’s cadence may be growing familiar, but fame hardly seems like his long game. This is, after all, a guy who studied playwriting ― hardly the creative pursuit that commands the brightest spotlight ― at Boston University, after which he paid about $300 a month to live in a garage in Austin and perform local Chicano theater. “We the Animals,” a Sundance indie opening this weekend, marks the first time Castillo is the one generating a project’s star power. He portrays the father of three tight-knit boys storming through a wooded town in upstate New York. The movie, adapted from Justin Torres’ autobiographical novel of the same name, combines elements of “Beasts of the Southern Wild” and “Moonlight” to capture a domestic home life that’s equal parts tender and volatile, where abuse and affection are equally common.
Castillo’s enthusiasm about “We the Animals,” and about the possibly of again working with its director, Jeremiah Zagar (“Captivated: The Trials of Pamela Smart”), speaks to his ambivalence toward the celebrity ecosystem.
“He could be like Tom Cruise without the child slavery,” Zagar said, roasting the “Mission: Impossible” moneymaker’s Scientology association (and its alleged history of forced manual labor). “Raúl’s that kind of a dude. He’s a perfect-looking dude, and yet he’s incredibly real and honest and true. There’s never a false note. He’s also incredibly collaborative. As a director, that’s a wonderful thing. I didn’t know what I was doing, really, because I had never directed a narrative before, and Raúl had a way of making me feel comfortable and confident in my own beliefs and my own material. He’s so seasoned and so clear about what he needs to do to make a scene work and a character work and to elevate other people around him.”
It’s a small movie with grainy aesthetics and an impressionistic lyricism ― in no way the kind of thing that will make a killing at the box office. For someone who first fell in love with theater by discovering the plays of Puerto Rican and Mexican writers like Miguel Piñero and Luis Valdez in his high school library, playing the complicated patriarch of a mixed-race family feels like a destiny fulfilled. (Sheila Vand, star of the Iranian horror gem “A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night,” plays Castillo’s wife.) At this point, opportunities to extend his commercial footprint ― guest spots as a cannibal on “Gotham” and a music teacher on “Riverdale,” for example ― will find Castillo one way or another.
“I’ve always felt that I was never cookie-cutter,” he said. “For as much as I tried to fit my square peg into round holes, constantly, my whole career, I could never do it. Whenever I read ‘We the Animals,’ I didn’t think I would be cast in that film. [...] I felt viewed more as a Richie. People think I tend to find those roles easier than I do a role like this, ’cause it’s harsh. I knew that I could do it. I’m so grateful for both Jeremiah and Justin, who did see that in me.”
Born in McAllen, Texas, a midsize agricultural town that sits on the Mexican border, Castillo’s triumphs were born out of people believing in him at the exact right moments. He belongs to a first-generation immigrant family, even if home was a mere 10 miles down the road. Castillo didn’t feel othered, but his dual identity instilled a sort of anti-establishment fluster.
“I just saw a lot of bullshit in the structures that were established for me,” he said. “I found a lot of hypocrisies. People valued money, and I think when I was very young, I valued money and I didn’t have it. I think I hated myself for it.”
Slowly shedding the Catholic mysticism that once awed him, he took up bass and played in punk bands. When his friend Tanya Saracho, who would go on to write for “Looking” and “How to Get Away with Murder,” likened his GPA to a lifeline out of McAllen, Castillo decided to care about school. But in Boston, he was suddenly the minority. His “bad attitude” kept him out of second-year acting courses, until mentorship from a professor of color let Castillo understand that he shouldn’t punish himself for being subjected to an overwhelmingly white institution. And when he moved to New York in 2002, his pal Mando Alvarado, now a writer for “Greenleaf” and “Vida” (on which Castillo will soon appear), posited presentation as a mark of self-worth; if he didn’t put care into his résumé and headshot, why should anyone put care into hiring him?
Of course, when success takes years to manifest, it’s easy to forget the lessons you’ve learned. Living with four or five roommates at once, Castillo worked his way into the Labyrinth Theater Company, an experimental off-Broadway troupe founded by Philip Seymour Hoffman and John Ortiz. He still wanted to be a writer ― in high school, Castillo only ever acted to impress girls anyway ― but in 2006 he found himself starring in a Labyrinth production of “School of the Americas,” a play by “Motorcycle Diaries” scribe José Rivera. The acting bug stuck. In 2009, his play “Knives and Other Sharp Objects,” a multigenerational drama about class in Texas, opened off-Broadway, earning a mixed review from The New York Times.
Still, nothing quite lasted. The business side of things was grueling, and his coffee-shop gigs were getting old, even if he did count Lili Taylor and RuPaul as customers. An agent sent him on auditions for “huge” Hollywood movies ― which ones, Castillo wouldn’t say ― but dropped him after none proved fruitful. He was ready to give up altogether when “Looking” came around. Castillo had starred in the short film that became a prototype for the series. Its director, Michael Lannan, called him to audition for Richie (the character he’d initially played) and Augustin (a more prominent Latino character who worked as an artist’s assistant). He didn’t land either role, even though he’d originated one of them.
But by the time “Looking” was a week away from shooting, a Richie still hadn’t been cast. The producers called Castillo to read for Andrew Haigh, the gifted English director who shepherded the half-hour dramedy. Haigh had seen Castillo in an indie mystery called “Cold Weather” that gave him “street cred.” Crashing on John Ortiz’s couch in Hell’s Kitchen, wondering what else he could do with his life, Castillo was at a bar one night when he received an email with a contract attached. He had no representation to negotiate his salary, but it didn’t matter: After living check to check, he was on HBO.
“I was like, ‘Yes. Take my soul. I don’t care. Pay me. I need money,’” Castillo recalled. “I needed not just a paycheck but the affirmation. I needed something artistically that I could sink my teeth into that had value to it. Something that was substantial. Something that had a real point of view. I needed a character that gave me a platform to do what I do in a really great scale in the best way possible. And it ended up being that. That show was such a great gift to me.”
All of Castillo’s ensuing fortune can be linked to “Looking.” It made him a sex symbol, a love interest, a fan favorite, a rising star whose claim to fame meant a great deal to anyone hungry for frank depictions of queer intimacy. Richie was the good-natured, self-righteous ideal ― a perfect counterpoint for Patrick (Jonathan Groff), the series’ unsettled protagonist. It became gay viewers’ great disappointment when they learned that Castillo, their anointed hunk, was in fact straight.
“His inability to be fake as a person translates directly into his acting,” Groff said. “There is nothing extraneous or false about Raúl, and he brought a grounded, honest integrity to the character that absolutely no one else could have. He’s also just innately magic on screen and has that ‘it’ factor.”
Perhaps it was Castillo’s dual identity as a Mexican-American that helped him shine as a gay, blue-collar Californian who was sure of himself despite being rejected by his family. It’s certainly what lets him shine as the cash-strapped paterfamilias, caught between unremitting love for his kin and an inescapable pattern of violence, in “We the Animals.” This dyad comes at time when Castillo sees his identity splashed across the evening news.
McAllen houses the U.S. Border Patrol’s busiest hub for detaining immigrants suspected of entering the country illegally. While Castillo was vacationing in Europe and playing make-believe on sets, children were being ripped from their parents’ arms in his hometown.
“I would always have to explain where McAllen was, and now it’s this name you’re seeing constantly in the news for all these reasons that represent, for me, everything that’s wrong with this country,” Castillo said. “It was paralyzing. I was sitting in a beach in Europe, wondering why I deserved to be there. My parents had access to this country in ways that people who are coming from longer distances don’t. We had the great gift of citizenship, which is an incredible privilege. But my parents were immigrants, and they navigated that dynamic our entire lives. I saw my mom and my dad deal with all the insecurities and all the precarious nature of what being an immigrant in this country is. [...] Having grown up going back and forth across the border throughout my whole life, it’s disheartening and upsetting to see what’s happening. And then to think about this particular movie that deals with children, who are especially in that age when their minds are being formed and their view of the world is taking shape, to think about [the ones] locked in cages is enraging.”
Castillo may be miles from that crisis now, but he’s done more to better the world for brown people than he can know. His goal hasn’t been to diversity Hollywood roles written for white ensembles; it’s been to find work that naturally accentuates the grooves of his Latino heritage. He saw almost no Chicano role models in popular culture growing up, and now he is writing and starring in artistic endeavors that paint all shades of the human experience ― gay, poor, brown, cannibalistic, whatever ― with a dynamic brush.
Which isn’t to say everything’s gotten easy. He was slated to play the lead in “Mix Tape” (a musical drama set in Los Angeles) and appear on “One Day at a Time” (the Norman Lear reboot), but has since exited both series and would rather not disclose why. I got the sense, during our two-hour breakfast, that Castillo is still protective of how he is perceived. Maybe he always will be. He’s comfortable reflecting on his upbringing and his relationship with race ― concepts he’s spent his whole life processing ― but being candid about recent setbacks, as routinely asked of celebrities in interviews, does not yet come easy.
It’s the “ego business bullshit” that still eats at him. It’s what eats at most of us. But when someone makes a name for himself, that burden slowly fades to the periphery, replaced by a newfound comfort, even power. The man who once served RuPaul coffee now shares an agent with the drag dignitary.
“For so long, it was all feast or famine,” Castillo said. “I just took work when I could take it. And at this point, I’m in a new place where I want to be more thoughtful about the roles that I take on from here on out. The projects, the roles, the people. I’ve learned so much in the journey that now I want to apply all that and also honor my experience, because at this point I want to work with people who challenge me in all the right ways and push me to become a better actor and a better artist.”
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betterbinderproject · 6 years
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Hi, when you say that you understand completely the reasons why people don't like the better binder project you're being very presumptuous. It's not the same as well-meaning but ignorant abled people attempting to solve highly complex and expensive problems of access for disabled people. And furthermore, the way you talk about this is really condescending and frankly just...you make assumptions that you understand the intimacies of how people think and feel that are just not true or analogous.
Like I mean this in the nicest possible way, but cisgender people’s relation to trans people is just not the same, and it would be a lot less patronizing and transphobic of you to *not* characterize every possible negative and/or critical reaction to this blog as being a reflexive anger and automatic rejection instead of being a justified and/or reasonable wariness. Like I absolutely hope this project succeeds, but there’s no reason to think that you’re qualified to make it succeed.
I’m going to use this also as a way to respond to your post, which didn’t show up on my Acitivity, so I’m glad someone pointed me to it.
1. My ability to listen to criticism
For the last couple weeks, I’ve been monitoring the activity of my posts, especially looking for people saying things like, “This will never work”, “this is a bad idea”, “won’t work for me” and so forth. Then a lot of the time I’ve messaged them to say, “Hi, I want to hear about your thoughts and experiences, do you have time to talk?”. I’m in a little bit of a backlog with this because some really smart and informed people have been commenting on it but I’ve been busy. For example, if I got the chance to listen to @the-scottish-costume-guy at greater length and in greater detail in the next couple days, I’d be really happy.
So while some criticisms have been reflexive rage or despair, others have been completely on point and I’ve already integrated them into my design (for example, recommendations to slope the boning diagonally down and to the outside). And others have been logical on the surface, but don’t apply to the specific thing I am trying to do (eg. “corsets are expensive”)
2. My credentials
I’ve been sewing seriously for the last 20 years. In some of that time, I’ve been paid for my work. For much of it, I’ve both been reading academic sources on the topic, and sewing in the workshops of vastly more experienced sewists. Over and above all my other sewing experience, I’ve made and worn numerous corsets. There is no set certification for a “professional tailor” but yes, if I wanted to do that as a job, I do have the resume and portfolio for it.
Tailoring isn’t actually the field you want here, though. Since beginning this project, I’ve located and contacted several researchers in the fields of human ecology, mechanical engineering, and biomedical engineering, who have relevant expertise. None have yet gotten back to me, probably partly because it’s summer. If someone more qualified than me wants to work on this project, I am 100% willing to collaborate with them, or hand the project off to them.
3. My profiting from this project
I’ve already made some very particular and pointed decisions about this. If I wanted to significantly profit from this project, I would:
Keep my R&D process secret
Patent and license the design
Sell patterns of the design I made for individuals wanting to make their own, individual, copy
Sell binders I myself made, or possibly outsource their production and then sell the result
Send cease&desist letters threatening to sue anyone selling copies of my binder, or any other binder on similar design principles, or any pattern for such a binder
Demand that anyone wanting to profit from the use of my design principles pay me a licensing fee.
Meanwhile, my plan right now includes:
Publicizing my concepts and progress in a way freely accessible to anyone with an Internet connection
Maintaining a record of my progress to keep anyone else from claiming to be its inventor and licensing it in exploitative ways
Encouraging feedback from as many people as possible and seeking out trans, nb, and genderqueer perspectives 
Coming soon: Creating a survey about wearer experiences and health outcomes, asking anyone involved in this project to report back so the data can be disseminated and analyzed. If this project and my design are a failure, I will say so.
Making design concepts, and in the future, patterns and tutorials, freely available to anyone with an internet connection, and agreeing to their republication to reach other audiences
Only receiving donations from people who understand that this is an experimental venture, posed as the question, “What if I tried this thing,” and only profiting from items that I have ensured people could get for themselves some other way. (eg “Here’s a free tutorial on making this binder using items from the dollar store. However, if you want to buy a $20 kit of high-quality items pre-cut for your convenience, here’s my Etsy”)
Providing prototypes to their intended wearers for free in return for feedback about the wearers’ experiences, instead of selling half-baked designs for a profit
Openly encouraging other sewists to suggest design improvements, make their own versions, or make binders for other people without paying me
In the future, I’m very open to stepping back in my own role in this project, and handing it off to trans people who have taken the idea and run with it.
From a legal perspective, I have probably already ruined my chances of making big bucks from this project, and I did that on purpose. From the beginning, I realized that it is very possible for me to be exploitative in how I handle this project. 
I honestly asked for money because I can’t pay for medications, groceries and utilities right now. I got about $300, which was enough to cover most of my monthly medical expenses. Most of the clients I see as a psychotherapist are disabled, living on extremely limited incomes, and cannot pay me much more than the cost I pay to rent the room we meet in. I’m trying to survive and find a better job. If I had a full-time job and made a decent income, I would be funding this project out of my own pocket. I know how to market and monetize a project like this, and have, from the first, deliberately chosen not to, in large part because I’m cis and this isn’t my issue.
4. Binders over top surgery
This project has largely been inspired by a trans person with whom I have worked, whose parents were involved in a custody dispute beginning when they were 14. At 14 they realized they were trans, but they required the consent of both parents for medical procedures until the age of 18. One parent was extremely transphobic and would not consent to top surgery, although they didn’t see their child on a regular basis and didn’t know how they dressed and presented. During those 4 years, they used a binder as a way of dealing with the dysphoria that made them suicidal. Despite its negative physical health effects (pain, trouble breathing, rashes, etc) the binder was an essential aid to their mental health.
Yes, binding is a “stopgap” method compared to top surgery. However, one of my major areas of work is as a mental health therapist with LGBTQ people, especially teenagers. Not everyone can get top surgery, and not always as quickly as it is needed. Sometimes there is a gap you need to stop.
5. Why do we need better binders at all?
I didn’t go into this because I, frankly, had considered the need for improvements in binder technology so well-documented as to be completely obvious. Just today someone tagged this blog talking about how much they want it to work because “binding gives me rashes, makes my already shitty lungs hurt, makes my back hurt, and doesn’t actually work for me“ Would you like me to curate the research and accounts of people who have problems with the current models of binder available? Is that proof you in fact need?
7. Corsets are unsuitable/super gendered
Yep! That’s why I’m not making corsets. I’m trying to use the engineering elements from corsetry that would make the binder better, and make everything else as un-corset-like as possible. 
How possible this is is an open question right now. For example, corsets need to be fitted so precisely because they go from the bust to the hips, and therefore need the correct bust, waist, and hip measurement, and the correct height, and the correct ratio of all things to each other, and to have the correct vertical profile. My current hypothesis is that by making a binder that covers only the bust, I can eliminate many of these complexities. However, many informed observers of the project have told me that they think I’m wrong, and that the binder will need to extend to the waist to more evenly distribute the load of compression, and a garment that only goes around the chest will cause too much back pain over the long term. This is a question I think can honestly only be answered when I ship my prototypes to my genderqueer friend in Georgia, who shares my measurements and is eager to try each model out for hours/days/weeks and report back.
At present, I am experimenting with adaptations to sports bras, which I also know can be too gendered and induce dysphoria. I’m using them because my current project is aimed at people who have very little experience sewing, and therefore would benefit from only having to add a few elements to an already-constructed garment. After this, I want to see if I can transition those adaptations to something less gendered, like a tank top. After that, I can begin work on drafting a binder entirely from scratch, which, one hopes, I can make as ungendered as possible.
My askbox is open!
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holisticsoulhealer · 3 years
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Community - A Spiritual Story
When we think of community, we may consider pot lucks, gatherings, common interests, sweet reasons to find each other and more. It seems positive when we hear of the word community.
I like to split the word to discover within geographical areas for a reason for “Common Unity.”
During the time that I held a healing center in Southern California I had the distinct honor of hosting or holding space for small, intimate groups. They were groups of hikers, wedding parties, “red hat” organizations and more. It was always fun and a great learning curve for me as a business woman, as well as working on mastering the challenges of being a sensitive and a healer, in larger groups of mixed energies.
One of my clients was a director in a large lending institution. Her company were providing a massive give-back to the organizations that had supported them during the year. It was at that special thankful time of year right after Thanksgiving that they were holding their event in a gorgeous local hotel. They would have a murder mystery interaction, trays of gourmet finger food provided, and in the midst of all of this, she wanted me to bring my team of therapists to offer chair and seated foot massages.
We created a great price, so that each therapist was rewarded for their efforts. My mum and I would oversee and could jump in if it got very busy, as there were over 300 people going to be at this event. Of course, we anticipated only half or less choosing to mess their hair or have their feet pampered, but that still made it 150 participants for my 7 therapists.
Mum and I showed up and she set up the foot chairs, against the wall, with a small chair and table with sanitizer, our foot lotions, and a clip board to keep a list of who wished to receive their 20 minute foot or clothed upper body massage, and to gather emails. I set up 4 chairs for seated chair massages, with a disposable face holder chair, complete with sanitizers and tissues.
We were all ready when over 300 people descended upon us. The line began and didn’t stop. I observed all of this. Within 30 minutes of the 2.5 hour event, one of my massage therapists excused herself and let me know she had to leave. The line was waiting, so I nodded to my mum over on the foot massage station and stepped in to conduct the chair massage. I forgot that I may not give a ready-to-go massage and that the Angels and Guides love impromptu opportunities to share their insights.
The first woman who approached me was someone who knew the organizer and was totally delighted to have me be her quickie 20 minute chair massage therapist. I closed my eyes and placed my hands flat on both of her tight shoulders. Suddenly I saw a vision of two little girls on either side of her.
I leaned into her and whispered in her ear that if I had any spiritual information for her, would she wish to hear it? She lifted her head and nodded, telling me she had heard something about my helpful insights and welcomed them. I leaned into her ear to whisper what I was getting, at the same time as the murder mystery had an actor drop down with fake blood, right in front of me.
It was ironic that we were so deep, while something so utterly superficial was happening at the same time in the same spot. I was describing the two little girls, one a little older and more faded, like a spirit, with a hand on her heart, and the other a tiny bit younger, and solid like a human here on this earth plane. She was quietly weeping in that public massage chair. I handed her a tissue and continued to massage her, reminding her that we don’t lose anyone, we all simply change form.
I left her to gather herself, while the pretend dead guy on the floor of his murder mystery was getting loud applause. This distraction allowed my recipient of the spiritual work to get up and find her way to the restroom to gather herself. She stopped by my chair and held my hand with bright eyes. She had a gorgeous little girl, and had become pregnant very soon after her first daughter died of heart complications. It was a loss she hadn’t had time to fully grieve and she didn’t understand. The session really helped her to make peace with the truly harsh reality of losing a sweet child.
She sent a whole slew of people to my chair and I was busier than I wished to be, however, the greatest story had already happened in such a loud, unexpected public community event.
We all had a very good evening and that one lady found peace in the midst of a murder mystery.
You have to love the ironies of life here on this plane.
As always, please share this post with anyone that you feel can benefit from it! Please like us on your social media channels and subscribe to our mailing list if you haven't already done so! We are mailing out a monthly newsletter and a recap each week of our blog posts and interesting tidbits! This is how you can stay informed with what is new in the world of The Holistic Soul Healer!!
Love & Blessings,
Ruth
Get personal with your Angels!! Connect with me and see what they have to say!!
BOOK NOW!!
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editordhnol · 4 years
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by Erica Hensley, Mississippi Today September 21, 2020 Healthcare workers in Mississippi are twice as likely to contract the virus compared to the general public, totaling more than 5,300 cases to date. Many say in addition to staff cuts, PPE shortages and growing fatigue, they're battling misinformation as they try to do their jobs. By Erica Hensley | September 21, 2020 HOLMES COUNTY — Daphne Webster-Quinn says a prayer before every shift to ask for protection for herself and coworkers, and healing for her patients. Donning full personal protective equipment, three days a week she works a primary care clinic on wheels, crisscrossing rural Holmes County to meet patients where they are.  As a medical assistant for Mallory Community Health Center, she splits her time between the clinic in Lexington and a mobile unit that dispatches across every corner of the county to offer free COVID-19 tests and primary care check-ups to a community that's been devastated by coronavirus. The majority-Black county has seen the highest number of cases per capita for most of the pandemic, currently double the rate of the state. Webster-Quinn herself contracted the virus in July and had to take off work for a month while she recovered. She is one of the over 5,300 healthcare workers who have contracted the coronavirus in Mississippi since the pandemic hit the state six months ago. At least 32 have died, according to limited data obtained from the Mississippi State Department of Health through a public records request. Healthcare workers have publicly lamented personal protective equipment (PPE) shortages, staff cuts, and the emotional and physical toll taken across Mississippi during the pandemic. A half-year in, as the number of daily cases start to improve after a long summer peak, the heightened sense of anxiety and worry — navigated through bouts of highs and lows, adrenaline and fatigue — have worn into a chronic state of stress. Too, many say they’re constantly battling misinformation in the community, fueled by conflicting messages from federal and state leadership. Daphne Webster-Quinn prepares to test a patient for COVID-19 in Durant, Miss. on Sept. 8, 2020. She contracted the virus herself over the summer. Webster-Quinn’s daughter caught it at the same time and they quarantined together in her bedroom, cut off from their family. Her mom came to her window to pray over them. Her husband bought a dorm fridge and stocked them up with liquids and snacks. “My husband couldn’t hug me to tell me it’s alright and my kids were crying because they want healing for their parents,” she said. She wants everyone to realize, “It’s not if it’s going to knock on your front door, it’s when it’s coming to knock on your front door.” The virus was terrifying because of her symptoms and, like almost every healthcare worker Mississippi Today talked to for this story, she has family or colleagues who’ve died from it. But adding insult to injury says Webster-Quinn, is the people who still don’t take it seriously. Both Webster-Quinn and her daughter’s cases were bad — it was like someone was standing on her chest, she says. She’s known six people to die from COVID-19 and while worried for her own life, she prioritized caring for her daughter. Even in quarantine while distracting herself with caring for her daughter, she couldn’t quiet the anxiety over people who still go maskless or flout distancing and testing guidelines, such as waiting for your result before socializing. Recalling rubbing her daughter down with ointment, “I was just watching the rise and fall of her chest every night. But you got people out here not taking it seriously, and I have a serious problem with that.” Most hospitals’ number of COVID-19 patients is decreasing, but other factors like reduced staff, increased levels of delayed primary care and ongoing squeeze on the highest trauma centers keep healthcare workers at prolonged full-speed. For the state’s healthcare system, there is no off switch and the curve has yet to flatten. The health department says the 5,300 healthcare worker case data are incomplete, likely under-counting the actual number. There are about 126,000 healthcare workers across Mississippi actively working in or around clinics, according to federal tracking. Cases are usually only counted as healthcare workers if they’re investigated. Across the state, contact tracers have struggled to keep up with demand, not able to reach cases to collect transmission and demographic information or issue quarantine orders. As of early September, the state health department had only investigated 68% of all cases, according to documents obtained by Mississippi Today, though 100 more investigators are on the way to help reach more cases. State contact tracers closed 87% of case investigations in mid-July, as state health officer Thomas Dobbs warned the summer surge in cases was quickly outpacing their ability to keep up. Research shows healthcare workers are at least three times more likely to contract coronavirus compared to the general public, further suggesting Mississippi isn't adequately tracking cases among frontline health workers, despite the state's foremost goal of protecting healthcare workers and the medical system. As of early September, Mississippi had 425 cases for every 10,000 healthcare workers, compared to 294 in the general public. The Mississippi Delta has been hit hard by COVID-19, with every county seeing at least 400 cases for every 10,000 residents, compared to the state average of around 300 cases per capita. Holmes County sees the highest rate of community cases in the state. An hour north in Greenwood, every time Dr. Rachael Faught takes a dinner break to meet her family at home, the second she walks through the door her young sons ask, “Are you here for forever?” Usually, the answer is no. She runs home in between rushes at the nearby hospital where she’s on call 24-hours a day for seven-day shifts. As one of Greenwood-Leflore Hospital’s two pulmonologists, together with the respiratory therapists and nurses, she treats lung conditions.  If medical assistant Webster-Quinn is the first line of defense, Faught is the last. In theory, the more Webster-Quinn and other preventive care providers are able to test and isolate, and make sure people are healthy in case they do contract the virus, the fewer patients Faught will treat on a ventilator. They both wear full PPE — gloves, gowns, N95 masks and shields — as they offer frontline COVID-19 care to Delta residents, and both say the pandemic has taken an unexpected toll at work and at home.  Though the novel coronavirus has been shown to affect other organs, lungs are the most restricted. Faught and her team use mechanical ventilators to artificially breathe for patients whose lungs cannot pump enough air to sustain life alone. Siloed into COVID-19 wards, patients with the coronavirus —  no matter the severity of their case — all stay on the second floor of the hospital, to isolate spread across other units. Faught watches carefully for shortness of breath and low levels of oxygen — signs a case is worsening and a ventilator might be needed to breathe for the patient. But with the heightened vigilance comes unknowns. “That's the one thing about this, is that when people start to go bad, they usually go back very quickly and even with months of experience, we can't always predict who's going to get worse,” Faught said. “But with these COVID patients it's almost always an issue with oxygen.”  And once these patients are on ventilated breathing, they stay there for weeks, she says, compared to most conditions that only take a few days to treat. As a pulmonologist, Dr. Rachael Faught treats lung conditions at Greenwood-Leflore Hospital. Though the number of COVID-19 cases across the state is trending down from a summer spike, the Delta still has the highest rate of cases and the fewest medical centers to treat them. Greenwood-Leflore’s COVID-19 ward hasn't seen the same steep reduction that many across the state have, Faught says, though numbers have slightly declined over September and remain steady. The Delta has the fewest COVID-19 medical centers, with only three hospitals providing Level 3 or higher care.  COVID-19 care in Mississippi relies on a “systems of care” model that designates each hospital at a certain level based on their expertise and resources — designed with the state’s trauma system in mind — to reduce timely and expensive, and potentially fatal, transfers to unequipped hospitals. Only one hospital, Delta Regional Medical Center in Greenville, offers Level 2 COVID care in the region. University of Mississippi Medical Center is the only Level 1 in the state for COVID and trauma, offering the highest level of care.  In Tupelo, Dr. Josh Calcote says the stress is felt in a different way — through auxiliary care the Level 2 trauma center is offering to buttress lacking trauma capacities across the region. The hospital is still treating COVID-19 patients, but it’s the increase in general acute and trauma care that has stressed the system, he says. UMMC’s intensive care unit stays full and when they can’t accept additional patients, trauma care is usually outsourced to Alabama, Louisiana or Tennessee. If they’re full, as has been the case, Level 2 trauma centers like Calcote’s North Mississippi Medical Center, Forrest General or Gulfport Memorial have to meet trauma needs.  “The analogy I would use, with some of these advanced surgeries is it's like if you took some kind of military fighter jet to an auto mechanic and said, ‘Hey, fix this, it's broken.’,” he said.  Though COVID-19 hospitalizations across the state are improving, the healthcare system is still stretched thinner than normal. As of Thursday, 81% of ICU beds across the state were full, compared to a baseline of 66% in 2018. Combined, the state’s four highest level trauma centers’ ICUs are 93% full, according to state tracking. In midst of soaking up overflow higher-need trauma treatment from other trauma centers, Calcote, a hospitalist, is bracing for flu season as he treats higher need patients across the board. During March and April, most hospitals' daily patient census plummeted, and with it, revenue.  Not only were elective surgeries paused to preserve PPE and resources, but primary and preventive care patients — especially those with compromised immune systems and higher-risk for coronavirus complications — were hesitant to seek care. The result, says Calcote, is an overflow of those patients seeking delayed care now, oftentimes needing more advanced treatment and care than they might have needed before their condition worsened — adding more stress on providers.  “Your heart failure and COPD-type patients, you can tell when they're getting sick enough to where they need to come in. And because they know they're at higher risk, now they're waiting longer and they're waiting until they're sicker and sicker and sicker, and should've been in the hospital five days ago versus now,” he said. “And they're just sicker when they get here.” But perhaps most taxing, he says, are the misinformation and mixed messages. Calcote sees politics, rather than science, often leading the virus response, and says it has “led to the whole nation's just massive failure in getting a direct, standardized message about ‘This is what we need to do’. You've got one county doing one thing, one state doing a totally different thing. There's no standardization across the board,” he said.  He added that when people downplay the seriousness of the virus, don’t take precautions and risk spreading the virus if they have it and don’t know it, it just adds on to the burden the healthcare system is already facing.  “My colleagues and I have been forced to fight a war on two fronts. One, fighting the virus itself and the other fighting this wave of misinformation plaguing social media and news outlets,” he said.  From a medical perspective, though the science is still new, the simple things to prevent spread like masking and distancing are effective, but when there’s conflicting advice from state protocols like increased gathering sizes and mixed messaging about wearing masks, “There's no way we can beat this thing like that. I mean, there's so many mixed messages,” he said. “Some states are requiring masks. Some states are outright rejecting mask mandates and it's just such a cluster. It's worrisome.” Adding to higher level care for patients who delayed care over the pandemic’s onset, some hospitals are still operating at lower hospital staffing to recover financial losses. The result is more patients spread across fewer healthcare workers, says Abigail Hartman, an occupational therapist for St. Dominic Hospital in Jackson.  Abigail Hartman, an occupational therapist, stands in front of her Jackson, Miss. home on Sept. 4, 2020. She contracted COVID-19 over the summer. “I haven't hugged anyone outside of my family since all this started," Hartman said, adding that adjusting to the new normal has gotten easier over time and she's feeling hopeful as cases improve. "It's definitely gotten better. But early on, I basically was living in just a full blown panic all the time and that was in March and April when we didn't know any information, we didn't know anything. And then seeing Mississippi be so far behind as far as social gatherings and masks … it was just really anxiety inducing.” As an occupational therapist, she works with patients who’ve lost their range of motion, typically from a stroke, helping them regain movement and daily activities, like walking or eating. Her job requires both physical and emotional intimacy, to gain trust and help retrain patients’ motion centers — a job highly complicated by COVID-19 logistics, like PPE. “There's lots of factors, as far as the normal treatment stuff of trying to talk to a 90-year-old with hearing loss and getting a history, they can't hear you with the face mask and the shield. And, even just non-COVID patients, having to wear a mask makes it much harder to connect to patients and communicate with them,” she said. Too, she just has more patients right now, meaning her dedicated time to each shrinks. She went from averaging 13 daily patients to between 16 to 20 now, “which is not normal,” she says. “Pre-COVID when I had 12 to 14 patients, I could spend longer (with each patient). And nowadays, it's more crunch time trying to see as many people as you can in a short amount of time,” she said.  Hartman saves her used medical masks from shifts at St. Dominic's. They're meant to be disposable, but many healthcare workers save and disinfect masks, worried about resurfacing PPE shortages. Hartman says the hospital’s staffing, mask rules and testing protocol make her job harder, but, like most health care workers will relay, she loves her job, despite the chaos and policies she feels aren’t going far enough to protect staff. The hospital only requires N-95 masks — the most protective model if worn correctly — during certain procedures. Even though Hartman works with some patients on COVID wards, she wears a fabric medical mask when with patients, as well as other PPE, but no N-95. But, only some patients admitted to the hospital are tested for the virus, per St. Dominic's policy, so she has no way of knowing if she’s working with a pre- or asymptomatic case. And so, is left without extra protection.  She too contracted coronavirus, though there is no way to track her transmission or spread because she said she was never contacted by state contract tracers. Before she tested positive, she limited social gatherings and did everything by the books — not so much to protect herself, but knowing she could be carrying it without knowing it and didn’t want to spread it.  On Monday morning a St. Dominic's spokesperson said "Current supply challenges around N95s, despite our efforts to reprocess, do not support broader use of N95s at this time." She reiterated that the more protective masks are required in certain areosol-generating procedures, like intubation. Multiple St. Dominic's healthcare workers have told Mississippi Today that they are actively not allowed the more protective masks during routine care. In a written statement, Chief Medical Officer Dr. Eric McVey, said, "From the beginning of the pandemic, St. Dominic’s has followed CDC and MSDH guidance on masking for staff ... Similar to other hospitals, personal protective equipment (PPE) supply chain challenges have impacted St. Dominic’s. Despite these challenges, our materials management team, in collaboration with our ministry partners across the Franciscan Missionaries of Our Lady Health System, works tirelessly to secure the needed supplies to keep our team members safe as they care for patients. Innovative steps such as disinfecting N95 masks for reuse up to 20 times have made a big difference in our ability to meet the needs of our patient care teams." Despite operating at constant full-speed, most of the dozen healthcare workers across the state Mississippi Today talked to for this story said that their biggest source of stress is misinformation and inconsistent messaging. Hartman, from St. Dominic's, sees it play out outside of work, where acquaintances try to hug her when she asks them not to. She hates to be too “doom and gloom,” she says, but feels like the seriousness of the pandemic is still not setting in for some.  “They’ll say, ‘I'm hugging you anyway,’ — just people not taking it seriously. And, so that was really frustrating. It's gotten better. Once the (summer) spike hit, I think people kind of realize this is bigger than we thought it was,” she said, but added “it shouldn’t have taken that.” Faught, the pulmonologist in Greewnood, saw the opposite effect, sensing that some folks didn’t want to socialize with her knowing she was a “COVID doctor.”  Calcote, the Tupelo hospitalist, says messaging from the federal and state government has been inconsistent, confusing patients, family and friends, and even colleagues.  “You feel like you take two steps forward at work and then three steps back when people discredit everything you're trying to work towards,” he said, referencing people calling the virus a hoax. He notices that people wanting to deny its seriousness point to new data saying, “See, it’s not so bad.” His response: “Surviving and being 100% OK, or even 50% OK, are not the same thing,” he said. “To those people who question the mortality rate, the false positives — it's not all just about that. Those things matter, but (it’s also the) long-term effects of this thing and the fact that we're straining the system and completely overwhelming everything with COVID plus other diseases, plus the flu, which is on its way, by the way — it's coming soon.” Dr. Renita Cotton agrees. As a family physician at Mallory Community Health Center in Durant, she works with families with inconsistent access to primary care in Holmes County, who often distrust medical providers in the first place. She has to work overtime to earn and keep that trust, and inconsistent COVID-19 messaging only adds to that distrust, she says.  “We need evidence-based recommendations, and that leads to consistency. We need the people that manage healthcare crises to be healthcare people that have the training to do so,” she said. “In the past it was clear that we were evidence-based, that all of our recommendations were evidence-based and now that is not the case. And so, what it does, it plants seeds of mistrust in our community and we already always had that.” The state health department has long worried about Holmes County, where both Cotton and medical assistant Webster-Quinn work. So much so that over the summer, they partnered with the CDC to attempt universal testing. The county sees a lot of poverty and not many good jobs — with that, a lot of residents struggle with access to healthy food and disease prevention. Eric J. Shelton/Mississippi Today Nurse practitioner Katherine Kirklin, left, collects specimen from Joe Holmes for COVID-19 testing in Lexington, Miss., Thursday, April 30, 2020. For Cotton, more focus on prevention is needed, but also a culture that prioritizes patients and trust. She sees her patients’ distrust of the medical system and the high rate of poverty in Holmes County as a perfect storm — brought on by decades of neglect, but fueled by the pandemic. One of her patients died from COVID-19, who waited too long to seek emergency care because she didn’t trust the system, Cotton says. “She had had a bad experience before, and she was having shortness of breath and called her family,” she said. “They called 911 and when they got there, she had coded. But she waited so long and she told me she was scared to go in — so I knew why she waited so long, because she was afraid.” This article first appeared on Mississippi Today and is republished here under a Creative Commons license.
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brucestambaughsblog · 4 years
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Looking west from the Skyline Drive.
I saw my chance at freedom, and I took it.
The previous day I had met with my orthopedic surgeon seven weeks after my knee replacement surgery. His last comment to me succinctly and professionally summed up his analysis of my progress. “I’ll see you next September,” he said with a broad grin.
I had driven myself the 35 miles south to the doctor’s appointment. Previously, my lovely wife had served as my chauffeur.
I still had a few physical therapy sessions to complete, and the doctor wanted me to return to the gym for some specialized exercises to strengthen my legs. Other than that, I had no restrictions, and I intended to make the most of it.
After an hour session with the physical therapists the next day, I decided to head to Shenandoah National Park. I had seen some beautiful photos of gorgeous fall foliage in the park, and I wanted to experience it myself.
Such an excursion would get me out and about so I could shoot some photographs of my own. My limited mobility had kept me close to home. On this beautiful, bright day, I felt free.
So after lunch, I headed to the park. My initial intentions were to do double-duty. A friend had a short film previewing in Charlottesville not far from the national park’s southern boundary. I figured I could do the Skyline Drive, take a few photos, and make the mid-afternoon screening.
I drove half an hour to the park entrance, where I joined a long line of vehicles. I wasn’t the only one who wanted to enjoy this gorgeous day.
At one of my stops at an overlook on the famous scenic Skyline Drive, reality hit. Altogether, the physical therapy, the driving, the numerous frequent stops had taken their toll. I was exhausted.
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I altered my plans. I wouldn’t make it to Charlottesville. In fact, driving to the park’s southern entrance was also out.
I continued driving, stopping, and photographing the incredible scenery. The old, folded mountains, dotted with nature’s emerging color-scape, and the clarity of the day had emotionally thrilled me despite my tiredness.
At one turnout, I found complete contentment despite my fatigue. I had observed several monarch butterflies floating on the day’s easy breeze. They looked for any sign of sweet nourishment on their long journey south. A lone monarch flitted around in front of me until it rested on a single fading flower.
The view across the storied Shenandoah Valley was pristine. The atmosphere was so clear that I could easily see from my spot on the Blue Ridge Mountains to the Allegheny Mountains 40 miles to the west. Their summit ridge separates Virginia from West Virginia.
In between lay the iconic valley itself. I spotted Mole Hill, a local landmark. Mole Hill is a long-extinct volcanic dome now capped with a deciduous forest that still showed mostly hunter green.
Earth toned farm fields fanned out from Mole Hill. The afternoon sun highlighted bright white houses and bank barns of Old Order Mennonite farms. From so far away, they appeared as miniatures. With that satisfying scene etched in my mind, it was time to head home.
By realistically reevaluating my situation, I was able to take my time, expend my energy to the max, and enjoy the colorful landscapes. I had passed my first test of independence.
Of course, I exacted a price for exercising my freedom. Fatigue and the day’s pleasantries helped me sleep well that night.
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White and Gold.
© Bruce Stambaugh 2019 Testing the limits of my new-found freedom I saw my chance at freedom, and I took it. The previous day I had met with my orthopedic surgeon seven weeks after my knee replacement surgery.
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fireflysummers · 7 years
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Mob Psycho 100 Fanfiction
A Little Tragedy
Reigen Arataka is a well liked resident of the Falling Waters Care Facility.
But he's getting real sick of it, so the old con artist tries talking his shrink into letting him out early on good behavior.
This...really isn’t a happy story. I think a lot about how, the most heartbreaking moments sometimes are the little tragedies, that seem almost mundane in the face of epic battles and whatnot.
There was an unspoken consensus among the men and women working at the Falling Water Care Facility, that the resident of Room 1332 was everybody’s favorite. Everybody knew that favoritism was bad form for any facility, but it was hard not to like him.
Physically, he was nothing special—he was a man approaching his eighties, blessed with good genetics that allowed him to keep his gray-white hair in relative abundance.  A couple of the other residents used the word ‘dapper’ to describe him, and it was true that he’d aged well despite signs of a lifelong smoking habit.  Even in stature, he was nothing special. Standing, he measured at an average height, but even this was restricted and he spent most of his days in the various plush chairs around the facility.
Despite that, though, there was something about him that felt tall. Sitting or standing, he somehow always announced his presence simply by existing, drew the staff and residents to him like moths to a flame. It was nigh impossible to resist that pull, and in the generally oppressive atmosphere of care homes everywhere, it was a welcome relief to all.
“Mr. Reigen, community bingo is in an hour,” informs the employee who had come into change his sheets for that afternoon. It’s a nice room, modestly furnished and well kept, with a large window letting the light in on the half dozen plants lining the sill. There’s a television on in one corner, sound turned down so low that it’s more a white noise than anything.
“I’ll be there, my dear, count on it!” the elderly man replied, waving his hands to indicate that he was rushing to finish whatever business currently stalls him. “Perhaps I’ll finally be able to exorcise that spirit of ill fortune hanging around about the dining hall, keeping me from taking home a prize!”
The nurse gives him a fond smile, a pat on the shoulder, and exits the room without much fanfare. Reigen shakes his head, glasses sliding down his nose a little, then turns back to his guest.
“Anyways,” he says, “Where were we?”
“What was that about?” asks the man, sitting opposite him.
“Shouldn’t you know? You’re my shrink, after all.” Reigen shrugs. “Half the people in this place think that I’m an absolute basket case, spouting all these bizarre stories about ghosts and devils and such.”
“So there really is a spirit in the bingo hall?”
“Psh. Of course not. They humor me, I humor them, it’s an odd little arrangement we’ve come to.  I haven’t dealt with a spirit in a long while, and I’m starting to get bored. Can’t wait to get back to work—I run a consultation office you know? Helping people with their supernatural troubles.”
“You’ve mentioned.  Is your business going well?”
“Is it ever! You wouldn’t believe some of the whoppers I’ve melted down.” Reigen coughs, suddenly looking a bit ashamed. He unconsciously sinks lower into the pillows at his back, then fixes his gaze on the therapist with sudden seriousness. “You’re a doctor right? Patient confidentiality and all that. So I don’t mind telling you this—I’m not really psychic.”
“Oh?”
“Nah. Eighty percent of my clients aren’t haunted either. Not by ghosts anyways.” Reigen shrugs. “Different things. Like their pasts, or sometimes their presents. Most of the time there’s no easy fix, but I’d do my best to set them in the right direction, so that maybe they’ll be able to fix the problem themselves.”
“And what about the other twenty percent?”
“What?”
“The twenty percent that are actually haunted by ghost.” The shrink is watching him intently. “How do you help them if you’re not a psychic yourself?”
“I hired one,” Reigen says, as if it’s as simple as putting out a wanted ad. “Well. You couldn’t even really call it that. I only pay the kid 300 Yen an hour. On a good day. I’m a real shitstain, you know that?”
The shrink hums, but Reigen can’t tell if it’s in affirmation or not. He shrugs, because even if it is he’s been called worse. Multiple times. In just about every form of media under the sun.
“Anyways, this kid, Mob, showed up at my office one day. He’s the real deal man. It’s thanks to him that…” suddenly, Reigen’s words dry up. The shrink looks up at him sharply in worry, only to see the older man’s eyes misty with tears and a watery grin tugging at the corners of his lips. “Ha. It still feels like only yesterday when he showed up at my office unannounced. But ah…he’s grown up a lot since then.  I’d like to think I had a hand in that, in pointing him in the right direction, but…”
“It sounds like you’re proud of him,” says his shrink, for the first time since their conversation started breaking his calm façade with a small, fond smile.
“Damned straight I am,” Reigen says with incredible conviction. “He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be worthy of that little miracle, the day he walked in, so the list I can do is be proud of my boy.”
Reigen pauses again, a sly light in his eyes. “So what you say doc? Am I officially un-crazy? Can I leave yet?”
“I’ll have to talk with your doctor about it,” the shrink replies, getting to his feet. He holds out a hand, which Reigen shakes firmly. “In the meanwhile, you have a bingo game to get to. And an evil spirit to exorcise.”
“You really should speed this along,” Reigen tells him, “I’ve got a business to run. I can’t afford to take this many sick days off. And these accommodations…I can’t afford something this fancy! I gotta get back to work!”
“I’m sure your pupil can handle it.”
“What, Mob? He’s like. Sixteen! He’s got better things to do than run his master’s business! Nah, I gotta get better and get back out there.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” the shrink replies, as he waves a farewell. “I’m sure that everything will turn out just fine.”
“That’s my line!” Reigen snaps.
 There’s a blond man waiting in the hallway.  He’s shorter than the two, a little on the heavy side, and has his hands stuffed into the pockets of his neon colored windbreaker.  In a normal setting, his outfit would be outrageous, but in the muted colors of the care facility it’s almost migraine-inducing.
“How was he today?” he asks as his companion reaches him.
“Worse. He didn’t recognize me at all today. Thought I was his therapist, and that he was waiting to be released from a hospital.”
“A logical conclusion to come to, when you let that brother of yours pick your wardrobe for you.” Teru slings an arm over Shigeo’s shoulder, but it’s painfully obvious he’s trying to lighten the tone. Shigeo gives a telling sniff, curling into himself.
He’s never been terribly emotive, even when he no longer bottled up his emotions so dangerously. Teru suspects that if this were any other person, he would be dealing with a sobbing mess.
Instead, Shigeo straightens up and squares his shoulders. To anybody who didn’t know him, the action would have been enough. But Teru’s arm is still around Shigeo, and he can feel the stuttering breaths, the physical effort to choke back the sobs.
There will be a time and place for that. When they’re alone together, away from the nurses and doctors and attendants and residents, who could be endangered by Mob’s sorrow. There will be a time…but the sheer effort that it takes Shigeo to rise and walk makes Teru’s heart clench painfully.
“You know, you could just tell him who you are,” he says at length, softer this time. “I bet if you went back to that cute bowl cut he’d recognize you immediately.”
“Maybe,” Shigeo mumbles, as the two of them head for the exit. “I think it might make him feel worse though. To know that he’s forgotten.”
“Maybe…” Teru agrees, but wants to argue that the cunning old teacher would have died a thousand painful deaths than watch Mob fight this heartbreak. “On a side note, I exorcised the spirit that was hanging around the bingo hall. It wasn’t really causing too much trouble, just a little bringer of bad luck, but you can’t have those things hanging around a care facility. Someday I’ll figure out how Reigen-san does it.”
“Master Reigen once told me that…the world is full of little miracles,” Shigeo murmurs at length, “I think he read it in a fortune cookie once.”
“Mmhmm,” Teru says, simultaneously marveling how Reigen could make anything sound sincere, and trying to decipher why Shigeo was bringing this up now.
“But he also said, another time, that there’s got to be balance. Which means that if there are little miracles, there are little tragedies as well.”
They walk on in silence, not really paying close attention to where they’re going. It doesn’t matter, really, because this city that they’ve protected with blood and tears is theirs. There is nowhere they could go where they would be lost.
“You know…” Teru finally says at length, “There’s nothing little about being forgotten.”
Shigeo doesn’t reply. They’re far enough from the facility now, far enough from people, that there’s no reason to hold back anymore. And there’s nothing more for Teru to say. Instead he keeps his arm wrapped around his husband, and waits for the storm to pass.
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possiblyimbiassed · 7 years
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For a genius, Sherlock can be remarkably stupid
You know, I think I might actually agree with John on this; sometimes Sherlock’s ‘deductions’ are outright imbecilic – at least if we count from HLV and forwards… ;)
Here are some of my favourites where our dear, otherwise brilliant, consulting detective really hits rock bottom (quotes might be a bit paraphrased):
1. * Assassin shoots an un-armed man, who offered to help, in the chest * Sherlock: “It was surgery, because the perpetrator was a crack shot but didn’t go for a headshot”
Victim very nearly died, as a matter of fact. Could we just insert an eye-roll smiley here? No further comments.
2. * Victim is shot in the chest and looses consciousness in about 3 seconds *
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Sherlock: “The average arrival time for a London ambulance is… 8 minutes” (*after measuring the arrival time of the ambulance he called for himself*) “John didn’t find me until after five minutes; thus the perpetrator called the ambulance.”
Right. Hmm… let’s check this… When did we do “average” in school? Was it fifth grade? OK – here it is (free translation from a fifth grader math page):
“Joanna throws four dice. In total, she counts 16 dots:
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The total number of dots divided by the number of dice is: 16/4 = 4. The average number of dots is 4 because she has on average 4 dots on each dice”. 
Which very definitely doesn’t mean that all the dice show 4 dots all the time!! Of course each of them can still show anything between 1 and 6 dots! And the actual arrival time for an ambulance anywhere largely depends on its location at the moment of calling, the traffic situation, the actual driver’s knowledge and judgement, etc., etc. If it happens to be close by, and it’s not rush hour, the ambulance could arrive in a minute, couldn’t it? No shit Sherlock! 
But we do know that John did call an ambulance, and that an unconscious person can’t possibly know what’s happening around him and certainly not how long it takes.
3. *John assaults Sherlock and beats him to a pulp, blaming him for his assassin wife’s death when she, in a time lapse of milliseconds, decided to take a bullet for Sherlock, and then mustered a full conversation in the last moments of her life* Sherlock: “He’s entitled, I killed his wife”.
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And later: “In saving my life, she conferred a value on it. It is a currency I don’t know how to spend.”
Hmm. Lack of social IQ? Stockholm syndrome? Well, let’s stick to the CSI: if we look up the usual velocity of a pistol bullet, it seems to be about 300-350 m/s. Sherlock was standing, let’s say, about 5 meters from Vivian Norbury. Which means the bullet would take about 0,014 – 0,017 seconds to reach its target. So, she’d have to react and fling her body over a meter side-wards in that time? Good luck with that, ‘Mary’!
Anyway; Sherlock clearly just can’t do simple maths (see above), which is remarkable for a graduate chemist.
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Nope - he actually believes this actually happened! 
And his life would (supposedly) have been worth 0,0 £, until an assassin decides to change her mind and start treating him like a human being, after having almost offed him and threatened to finish the job at least twice. And now that his life suddenly has a currency value that is >0,0 £ (pity John didn’t register this before assaulting him!) he just doesn’t know how to spend it. 
How does that equation sum up; is he totally ignorant of the values of human lives, apart from a contract killer’s estimation? And how did he manage to spend his apparently worthless life before series 4, I wonder? (Unless Sherlock is subconsciously pondering something totally different here, of course…)
Well, at least ‘Mary’ managed to keep up a coherent conversation before dying from a bullet aimed at ‘worthless’ Sherlock (Did this happen in Bagdad, by the way? Before Samarra? Someone seems to like Drama here. But I digress…), including the words “I’m sorry ... for shooting you that time” (I suppose she wouldn’t need to be sorry for shooting him any other time?). 
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Anyway, I clocked it; it took one and a half minute for 'Mary’ to die. But didn’t Sherlock’s inner Molly – a forensic expert - once tell him that this was not possible, that there would merely be 3 seconds of consciousness? And, as Sherlock likes to point out, “when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth”. But never mind; Sherlock sucks at maths…
4. *Sherlock predicts the future, knowing two weeks in advance exactly when John will decide to change therapist, where the new one lives and when his next appointment is. And that Mrs Hudson will bring him, Sherlock, there at gunpoint, and that John will want Molly to examine Sherlock at this exact point in time and space, so he has invited her too. And he has also asked Culverton Smith to send a limo to pick up John at exactly the same time and place. And all this while being high on drugs and without even seeing John for quite some time*
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Sherlock: “If you could attenuate to every strand of quivering data, the future would be entirely calculable, as inevitable as mathematics”.
Yes, in that case it might be, but - dear Sherlock – there’s just a small flaw in this scenario: it’s impossible to collect all the data in the universe. And when you have eliminated the impossible…  Never mind; Sherlock sucks at maths and logics anyway, inevitable as they may be. Unless, of course, his mind wasn’t really functioning normally here… ;)
Maybe some day in Series 5, once Sherlock is back to normal and has gotten over his self-loathing and fear of emotions, he’ll make some great, important predictions. Like, for example, that John will want to move back in at 221B so they can be together for real. After all, this is what he claims to be capable of in TST (thanks for the quote, Ariane DeVere):
“An advanced grasp of the mathematics of probability mapped onto a thorough apprehension of human psychology and the known dispositions of any given individual can reduce the number of variables considerably. I myself know of at least fifty-eight techniques to refine this seemingly infinite array of randomly generated possibilities down to the smallest number of feasible variables”.
In short: “I’m an expert in statistics and psychology, I know human nature and I can narrow down the possibilities to almost none”
In my view, there would be only one ‘feasible variable’ left: Johnlock.
Maybe some day, Sherlock, but you need to wake up first!
By the way, I love how Sherlock tried to convince John already in ASiP that he could predict the fortune cookies in Chinese restaurants. Luckily, John didn’t buy it, because real John is too smart to swallow Sherlock’s BS… :)
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insecure-hbo-recaps · 7 years
Text
hella open
Previously on Insecure: Issa slept with Lawrence but Lawrence is apparently with Tasha. Lawrence told Tasha, and it didn't go well. Lawrence moved out of Chad's place. Molly's therapist helped her try to move up a level at work. Issa starts to accept that Lawrence is done.
Issa is having a red wine and chill with some random. She's wearing a purple football jersey for the occasion, which is an interesting choice. Her hair is braided down in a protective after-shampooing set of Celie cornrows like... it tickles me when famous black women publicly do stuff that is just-for-at-home and mainstream media loses their shit over it (see also Rihanna wearing sparkly bobby pins in her wrapped hair) but, Insecure is for us. I'm not so sure I can cosign this ostentatiously quirky style choice, lol.
The guy moves in to kiss her and Issa awkwardly accepts it. She continually giggles while he is trying to be sexy, past the point where he is amused by it. As an aside, this is everything:
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Issa is frankly annoying him now - I get that it's weird for her to have sex with a new person after being with Lawrence for five years. The first time I had a serious long term relationship I was surprised how weird it was to begin sleeping with someone new again. It wasn't something I thought I'd have a problem with, since obviously I'd never had a boyfriend and that was the weird thing. But, it was. Issa asks to reschedule, but she has blown this dude's high - he's wearing jeans with cutouts at the knee, this is some Eric Benet California shit - he doesn't really want to try again. This didn't work. So Issa gets dressed to leave.
Dunes. Issa is about to leave for work when she catches sight of the plume of smoke she burned into her wall at last week's party. She also notices before she goes that the new property management has issued what appears to be every apartment notices for noise violations, taped to their doors.
On the way out, Issa runs into one of the bloods that crashed her party. He has a really big, weird shaped head.
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It reminds me of this kid I went to high school with named Mickey who had a big oversized head that sort of came to a point at the top; so more a triangle than round head. Of course now that I've spent several years working in developmental pediatrics I know what happened there is that he should have had a helmet as an infant and his parents didn't get him one, but at the time it was just there goes Mickey with his big ass pointed head that he for some reason chooses to accuentuate with a cloth headband. (This was obviously during the Rocafella era when that was en vogue for men.) I actually think that he ended up being shot and murdered as an adult, but for the life of me I cannot remember his last name in order to check and I'm not exactly on speaking terms with my high school classmates.
Anyway, Mickey (I don't know that we ever get to hear his name and I'm going to make the executive decision that it doesn't matter) says he had fun at Issa's party and she watches him go.
Molly's law office. She's skyping with Hannah in the Chicago office as well as the TSA agent from Get Out, Quintin, a fellow lawyer in a trendy bow tie. There's a Chicago joke about the sun shining so he's going to the beach. That doesn't work here because Chicago is not an overcast city and we don't have an excessive amount of cloudy days. You're thinking Portland, Insecure writers. Idk why the actor didn't correct him, since apparently he's also from Chicago. In the summer I hang a dark blanket on the window behind my blinds because my bedroom is east facing and there's too much sun for 75% of the day. Anyway, they bond over being the token black lawyers and it's all lovely and relatable.
High school. As you may have noticed, I really don't give a shit about this storyline. I did think it was interesting that Issa ended up being the bad guy in this scenario, as the show's hero, because you are definitely tempted to take her side in this. Frida comes across as an overly Clueless White Person with her concerns that the after school program is only black children while Issa isn't bothered because she's just glad the program is full. When I watched this the first time I was uncomfortable with it because while I didn't exactly disagree with Issa's blase attitude, I did think the show made it clear enough that she wasn't doing the right thing to take it. Of course this season will make it overtly clear - more than the first season did in my opinion - that Issa's judgment is sure in the fuck not to be trusted, and this was just another way that they established that. Duly noted that white people aren't always wrong when it comes to race. Issa's attitude doesn't sit well with Frida.
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Multicultural Silicon Valley start up, aka Lawrence's computery job. It looks like he's wearing one of those Untuck It shirts. Tangent. I went out with this guy who was born in the 70s because he started hitting on me when I was working on my laptop at Map Room and trying not to cry because I was texting with my new boyfriend-even-though-we'd-been-fucking-for-the-last-three-years-not-as-a-couple because he up and booked a flight for a 10 day trip to Costa Rica and didn't tell me about it til afterward. I was two La Fin du Mondes in already and when I went to close out, the random man offered to buy me another, apparently not noticing my teary eyes. Anyway, because he was born in the 70s, he was particularly preoccupied with anything young and trendy, and frequently mentioned his Untuck It shirts to me. Granted they do look expensive and well made in real life. But they're also just regular fucking shirts that charge a 300% premium because they cut them slightly shorter so that you don't have to... guess what... tuck them in. I've literally only ever seen or heard of these shirts due to advertisements during daytime CNN or MSNBC viewing so like... who's supposed to be impressed by this?
Anyway, The Generic White Guy is obnoxiously eating snack food made from crickets, and Lawrence is talking about his trip to Phuket, so we get the full range of lovely diversity at work in this cool, trendy environment. Apparently the ethnic girl next to Lawrence slept with Corny Colin, which the blonde teases her about. Ethnic Girl is not amused by it. The group discusses a company social, but Lawrence can't go because he "promised someone he'd pick up some chairs." So he's going to go to Tasha's family bbq after all. The group clearly regards Lawrence as a trendsetter amongst what's hot and what's not - a distinction I feel that certain types of black people, in certain environments, are relegated to simply because black culture is presumed to be cooler than the other prevailing cultures - and everyone is disappointed that he will not be going.
Loading dock. Molly is wearing a fabulous black skirt suit with leather trimmed lapels. She's on the phone with her mom about the vow renewal thing her parents keep bugging her about. A worker comes out with her bookcase and assumes the random black man standing nearby is there with her. He asks if he should hand it over and everyone looks at each other, blanketed by the wrongness of the assumptions all around. Molly scoffs that she's not with him, and makes to pick up the bookcase by herself.
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Yes, it is exactly as absurd as you'd think it would be, and two things. Motherfuck this whole concept where black women aren't allowed or should be or expected to be the normal amount of "feminine" granted to every other woman. I had this epiphany somewhere not long after high school when I realized how panicked and backed up against the wall I felt that my natural inclination was to resist any kind of vulnerability and the realization that I didn't want to have to be "strong" all the time. That wasn't going to work for me. I am damsel in distress all the time. You will stop when I cross the street, even if I'm timing it wrong with the stop signs - when I politely give you the right of way, you will insist I cross instead. You will pause to let me pass and open doors when I do. You will push my car out of the snow. You will offer to carry the leftovers from the restaurant. I dated a guy who insisted on walking down the stairs in front of me when I was wearing high heels, just in case I tripped. Point being, with regards to this scene, I wouldn't have lifted that shit. I wouldn't have carried shit. I would have been pointedly unable to carry that box. I'd have stood there for a half hour if that's as long as it took for someone to offer to carry the box for me. But it wouldn't have. When you behave with the expectation that you are a woman and you expect to be treated like a woman, something kinda funny happens... people treat you like a delicate woman. It doesn't escape my notice that the black man the worker assumed was there for Molly is there with a white woman, whose boxes he handily carries, while Molly struggles absurdly with the bulky oblong in her five inch heels down a flight of stairs. No ma'am. Later for "strong black womanhood," in this physical sense at any rate.
Molly's fantastic apartment. She's telling Issa she's putting her therapy on hold until she finds another therapist. Naturally, therapy was hitting too close to home, so Molly's instinct was to run from the truth. They are trying to put together this Ikea ass bookcase (related to my previous tangent, whenever I need this kind of manly work done, I outsource it now. Task Rabbit is an app, y'all. That's what it's for. It's not as solid a solution as having an actual man around or anything, but on some level I simply refuse to become a handyman myself just out of sheer principle. You will not deny me my femininity this way, it is a political issue at this point to me.)
Anyway, Molly is bitching about the therapist trying to get too close "just because we both got brown titties." Issa abides this silently. I can't believe they unironically drink Carlo Rossi. I remember being a kid and trying to learn about this kind of stuff and making a note from, of all places, an episode of Intervention about what kinds of wine people actually drink. Haha! (And yes, it was the huge gallon jug of Carlo Rossi.) Issa encourages Molly to keep looking for a new therapist, which Molly flips back on Issa regarding not finding a new Lawrence either.
Issa recounts how she couldn't do casual sex because she was too stuck in her own head. I'm so glad this has never been a problem for me LOL. I don't even know what my social life would be like if I had a hang up about this issue. They decide they should be doing their "ho phase" together - but then Issa met Lawrence and he "made [her] fall in love with him and shit." Issa wants to get on Team Fuck Love, and asks Molly "can you teach me how to ho?" "Bitch that's rude... and yes," Molly replies.
Late night spot. Issa is wearing a ridiculous outfit as she ridicules the other thirsty women in the spot that are there for an apparently different kind of thirst than the one she is. Seriously, what were we supposed to think about this outfit?
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Baby, no. Especially as a woman walks past wearing the exact same bad dress. She's also wearing what I'm sure are an expensive pair of espadrilles, but they are wedge espadrilles, with a red floral print. Plainly, that outfit is ridiculous. Issa suggests a vacation to somewhere where they'll be exotic. Molly doesn't care, and seems very underwhelmed by the night.
Issa is chatting with some guy, making awkward double entendres and sexual innuendos. The guy is not amused and flat out walks away from her mid conversation. The next guy at the bar keeps peeling his eyes around at everything else but Issa, finally admitting that he's only talking to her because his friend wanted to talk to Molly. Issa is the grenade. Dayuuuuum, bro. "Do you have any other friends?" he asks, which Issa doesn't dignify with a response.
Molly is talking to Sterling K Brown and is still underwhelmed with the night - the way his friend was only talking to Issa, she's only talking to him. He asks for her number and Molly coolly hands him her business card. She joins Issa at the bar, who has given up on the night and ordered a plate of wings. I get it. There's only so much humiliation you can take when you put yourself out there to pick up a random at the bar. Hell, at least Issa has a friend with her while she does it.
Tasha's house. Tasha is in bed with Lawrence with her hair wrapped gossiping about tv shows. Lawrence tries to distract her and get amorous but Tasha isn't interested in going there. She pushes Lawrence away and we are treated to more of the show-within-a-show.
Back at the Dune's, Issa (in her middle-of-the-bed pillow) can't sleep so she pulls out her vibrator. The battery dies and she spends like ten minutes walking around the apartment looking for new batteries. And, why don't you have a magic wand? True story: I held off buying any kind of sex toys because I never had any and it made me have to seek out men if I wanted to have a sexual encounter; I (it turned out, rightly) figured that if I had any sex toys it would discourage and demotivate me from meeting actual men. Guess what... I was completely correct, and my love life took a marked down turn the same year I bought a magic wand of my own. Could have been timing, coincidence, I don't know, but it was interesting. I have since incorporated it into my regular sex life. (My boyfriend-that-I-loved-so-much-I-was-always-crying was amused the first time I used it with him, calling it "violent" and "over the top" because I was "loud" and it "plugged into the wall." lol. I did nothing but laugh and concede the point, because he was right. But in other news, fun fact: it also works on men, so if you are hooking up with someone that you don't actually want to have sex with, everyone can have an orgasm with no intercourse whatsoever.)
There are a few scenes about Molly's being underpaid and Issa missing the discrimination that I'm going to skip because the point has been made already.
Lunch. Molly is on a date with Sterling K Brown. He's showing her pictures of his niece on his phone, because he's a Good Black Man looking for a Good Black Woman. Actually, given the champagne flute and the bottle on the table I'm going to assume this is brunch (mimosas, you see). Sterling K Brown is wearing an interesting outfit, what says the tribunal?
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This rote-date-conversation centers around the fact that they both have ticking biological clocks, and that Sterling K Brown is not being at all ambiguous about his intentions. Molly seems uncomfortable, and isn't following this conversation as well as a woman would be if she were truly interested. I gotta say, Sterling K Brown comes off as a LITTLE thirsty... but, considering Molly really does the most when it comes to choosing a man, like... you can't empathize with her at all. Do we know this, do viewers know this? Molly is wrong and ridiculous and has no clue what she is doing, and her choosing criteria is wildly outdated, immature, and foolish. Like, there is no shrewdness to her relationship behavior at all. She is doing nothing that would prove to be in her best interests or better her life circumstances at all, even if it were just casually dating a potential husband so that you have that back up available when things aren’t going well. This is the kind of thing I might of done before I realized it may be an actual real possibility that I actually might not find the husband I wanted some day.
California Family Cookout. There's ribs, there's dominoes. You feel right at home. Lawrence shows up in some hipster ass shirt, carrying chairs as promised. Tasha is wearing a lime green midi dress with scribbled print and a lopsided sew in. It works, as long as you don't pause at the wrong moment. Why am I hating on both their outfits? Let's move on. Tasha's relatives line up to get a good look at Lawrence and he is clearly there in a capacity of Tasha's Man Friend... which he looks decidedly uncomfortable with. Well, what the fuck were you expecting, Lawrence? Why do you think she hedged around inviting you, and made it clear you didn't have to come?
Lawrence's coworker texts him, and he decides to take it as an out, telling Tasha he'll be right back. "Oh... ok," she says. Damn. Again, people were furious over the "thirsty" character of Tasha. Meanwhile I'm just over here wondering why fellow black women didn't have more sympathy for her flexibility. Some of the time when I peek back into conversations in The Community, I am reminded of all kinds of toxic shit I used to feel and believe when I was younger that I eventually had to unlearn in the interests of any kind of healthy interpersonal life. She cheerfully says she'll see him later, and he leaves.
Molly is at a cupcake shop - those are a thing, y'all, and why? I live near one that granted, makes delicious cupcakes, but they cost like fucking four and a half dollars for one REGULAR SIZE muffin tin mold cupcake! Funnily enough, they are actually named "Molly's Cupcakes." Someone calls out that they will pay for her cupcakes, and it appears to be someone Molly knows:
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A guy named Dro and his ostensible wife, who playfully criticizes Molly's insistence on wearing "ugly" dark colors - it's a black greek thing. (The wife is Delta, which I presume makes Molly AKA). The married couple set up the plot for next week's episode, expositing that they are in town for the Kiss n Grind party. It's clear that Molly knows Dro from way back, and the wife is newer.
Dunes. Issa has decided to paint over her burnt wall. She's typically spastic at it, dripping paint everywhere and making a mess. While cleaning off the roller, she spots Mickey Bighead lounging by the pool and is apparently attracted by what she sees. Molly calls; Issa notes her "high pitched fakeness" as she describes the date with Sterling K Brown: although there is clearly nothing wrong with him it's obvious to the both of them that Molly just isn't into it. For SOME reason. And this is the thing that is frustrating about Molly... there's never any legitimate or tangible reason why she has no interest in normal men and normal relationships, or why she brushes off scenarios that would be good for her. Like, what is she looking for instead? What's wrong with Sterling K Brown? Why would she not be interested in him? There are no red flags - it's not his looks, it's not that he's not a professional peer, it's not his baggage as he is unmarried with no children. And perhaps that is the point the show is making - that just because she should be interested in him, that doesn't mean she has to be. In the larger context of women "wanting it all" or "not settling," the point is valid. But in a practical sense, Molly is being ridiculous and her actions are not justified. This is how bitches end up single til 40 when they wind up marrying a bald janitor in the end anyway, is all I'm saying. Making smart choices don’t always feel like the choices you want to make.
Molly is comparing her lack of interest in Sterling K Brown with the fact that Candace and Dro are happy despite the fact that Dro was a mess and never had a "five year plan." So I guess that's what her problem is. She has no idea what will make her happy and is constantly peeking in other peoples' lives like it will tell her what would work in hers. You can always find a reason why a person is lacking when you compare them to someone else because... people aren't the same.
Start up Happy Hour. Lawrence shows up and his coworkers are happy to see him. They know the workplace is one big ho fest once enough drinks start flowing. Ethnic Girl is still pointed about regretting hooking up with Generic White Guy. Which, rude.
Issa has painted over her wall, which looks really good. But then she notices she neglected the smoke on the ceiling. Knowing she can't reach it, she reckons with it and tells it, "you can't have my joy." She spots Mickey Bighead going into his apartment and concocts a plan. She pulls out her charger and takes it down to Mickey's asking whether he left it at her house at her party. He seems momentarily taken aback, but recovers smoothly enough to invite her in.
Start Up Saturday. Lawrence gets a text from Tasha wondering where he is. Ethnic Girl asks what his deal is - and I kind of hate those "work people" that you can tell their primary source of social capital comes from people they meet in and around the work environment. Like other people are wrong for having a life outside of work and are not as immersed as you are. They ask whether Lawrence is single as a waitress comes up to flirt with him. Although Lawrence says he has to take off soon, her overt interest is all it takes for him to stay for a round of shots.
Back at Mickey's they're talking about Gossip Girl. Blake Lively is the most generic white woman on the face of the planet. "Yeah, white people," Mickey says. "There's so many of them," Issa adds awkwardly. Lol. Issa daydreams a confidence boost rap to convince herself to make a move: "even if it's wack, you can still get some head!" Unflattering accidental pause moment:
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Issa makes an awkward kiss move, accidentally knocking him in the nose with her forehead. It works anyway, and they start making out. The first time I watched this I was a little annoyed because while I understand Issa's excitement over her new body, her constantly barely clothed state this season just seems so gratuitous. The fact that I personally don't like her body type - not to say she hasn't done a lot of work on it! - mainly just annoyed me. And I don't enjoy her sex scenes. Molly's sex scenes and Lawrence's sex scenes are great. So it's always kind of a let down when we have to watch Issa have sex. Her bra collection is excellent though, I guess.
Mickey asks if he could titty fuck her, which Issa "respectfully decline[s]." He wants to put her legs over her head, which she is uncomfortable with. Her head is squashed into the headboard and it's terrible. To her credit, Issa asks to change positions and finds a way that suits her better. He's wearing white socks. Aw. Flashbacks.
Molly is at home, working with a glass of red. Sterling K Brown invites her to a SZA concert and she declines. He comes back with a dinner invitation which she doesn't even reply to. Whatever, Molly. But hey, she heard my complaints and hired some random men to put the cabinet together for her! There's that at least.
Start up Saturday. Everyone's drunk and Lawrence is explaining the concept of his app to the two girls. What IS "Woot Woot" exactly? Besides the fact that everyone makes fun of him when he talks about it, as far as I can tell it's some kind of group chat client? Idk. Tasha calls, and Lawrence puts the phone to his ear in the loud bar. Tasha is mildly agitated, asking what happened to him because he never came back; her family members are even now in the background asking about him. He apologizes and says he ended up drinking too much. Tasha says if he didn't want to come he should have just told her. Lawrence tries to brush it off but then admits he isn't looking for a serious relationship. Tasha is put out because he ghosted on her in front of her entire family; if he didn't want a serious thing he shouldn't have come. He embarrassed her. Lawrence apologizes in a way that still blames it on her: "I know how much you wanted me to be there." It's her fault for expecting his intentions to match his behavior, not his fault for not being up front and leading her on. Tasha tells him to stop acting like he gives a fuck about her feelings, because he "fronted like it was [something more], apologizing for shit" he knew he wasn't sorry for.
Lawrence insists he was being genuine. Tasha: "You're a fuck nigga. You're worse than a fuck nigga. You're a fuck nigga who thinks he's a good dude." And she hangs up. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the cultural conundrum facing all of us in this new technologically advanced hook up landscape we are all attempting to navigate. I don't know how it used to be before Swiper Not Swiping and casual sex became the rule, not the exception, but I also find that men are preoccupied with being "good guys" in a way that belies their shitty behavior; some kind of veneer of honesty and distance that doesn't quite square with the level of intimacy and acquiescence they are seeking from their partners. Maybe back in the day it was understood you couldn't get that level of commitment without expressly acknowledging it; I find these days men think they get to have their cake and eat it too on this issue.
Anyway, look at this shit:
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Bitch, what are you wearing? Those 1980s Jessie Spano mom jeans. Her name is "Arpana" which leads me to believe she's supposed to be Indian, but I think in real life her body type would indicate she is something else. She's probably Latina tbh. (And no I'm not going to google this to find out.) Anyway, Lawrence is laughing off his conversation with Tasha well enough as he rejoins the party.
Back at the Dunes, Issa is sneaking out of Mickey's apartment. She isn't quiet enough and he wakes up, offering for her to sleep over. Super generous considering she lives literally right upstairs. As Issa grabs her phone to go, she decides she isn't actually willing to sacrifice her phone charger for this farce, so she snatches it up too. But not to fear: it turns out Mickey was aware of her ruse the entire time, as his phone has been sitting plugged into his own not-missing charger the whole time. Issa can't even be mad as she lets out a chuckle and goes. She seems pleased, at least, with this first foray into "honess."
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chocolate-brownies · 5 years
Text
How to Talk About Tough Stuff in Your Yoga Classes
How to Talk About Tough Stuff in Your Yoga Classes:
One yoga teacher weighs in on why you should bring up the challenges we’re all facing out in the world—think wildfires, news of sexual misconduct, political unrest, the list goes on—in your yoga classes.
Learn how to bring up the tough stuff in your yoga classes during challenging times
As I write this, a cloud of thick smoke hangs heavy over the city of San Francisco due to recent fires. The sky is tinted an apocalyptic pink and the normally bustling streets have just a few bold souls hurrying along to the next shelter, air masks covering half their face.
Schools and many businesses are closed due to toxic air quality and as I sit here preparing for this morning’s class, I am not only planning my sequence, but how I will—or won’t—bring up what’s happening outside. Do I address it head on? Do I speak about it generally? Do I avoid talking about it altogether?
In our yoga community, negativity can be seen as, well, negative. Yoga teachers often avoid talking about the awful things happening globally in favor of encouraging students to focus on their own personal healing. Yoga class, retreats, studios, and meditation halls have become refuges from outer violence and uncertainty—a vacuum in which everything feels safe and alright. But things are not safe and alright. The country is divided. Planet earth is bleeding fires and crying floods. Just a few weeks ago, a shooter entered a yoga studio and killed two people.
As the world is changing, the teaching landscape is changing, too.
Yogis are looking to their practice and teachers for guidance and while I whole-heartedly agree that our classes should be safe-havens from the madness of the outside world, I have also grown to believe that these are the best places to learn how to handle that madness. Our classes are fertile training ground for showing students how strong they are and how strong we are as a community. How do we help people heal both personally and globally in challenging times?
I believe yoga teachers can use the outside world as teachable moments, without having to address specific traumas or political upset head on. Here are 8 ways to do just that:
See also You’re a Yoga Teacher, Not a Therapist
During challenging times, use yoga to turn off the negative noise and go within.
Speak globally, versus specifically. 
It is possible to help students face struggles without going too deep into personal traumas. Use general words and speak to the internal effects versus the external turmoil. While the outside causes may vary, human responses are similar. We have all experienced sadness, hopelessness, anger, grief, and frustration, just as we have all experienced happiness, joy, elation, and surprise.
Los Angeles-based yoga teacher Nikki Estrada told me she steers clear of specific comments in classes that could potentially be polarizing and instead, addresses our challenging times more generally. “I’ll say things like, ‘We are so bombarded right now with all kinds of negativity and intensity and the yoga studio is a space to turn it off, go within, and fill our cups,’” she says. Using the words “negativity” and “intensity” versus a specific example allows students to interpret as it pertains to them, she says. “It is a delicate dance to acknowledge the collective challenge, but not dwell on it.”
Emphasize the power of healing as a group. 
People learn by example, and group responses can be contagious. Think of the concepts of “mass hysteria or “group think.” Just as complaining together can heighten a group’s annoyance, breathing together can also calm the group down.
“If something is going on that is affecting virtually everyone in your room—meaning not just certain political or religious persuasions—and you are authentically feeling it yourself, it may be nice to set the tone gently as the students come in, creating space for their feelings and need for connection,” says Annie Carpenter, founder of SmartFLOW yoga. For example, on the morning of 9/11, Annie had her students make a circle, facing in so they could really sense the connection and support of community.
See also Connecting with Community
Breathing together as a group will unite yogis together during challenging times. 
When in doubt, teach breathing. 
We may have different viewpoints, different politics, and different bodies, but something that connects every single human being on this planet is the breath. “The best way to help your student is to help them breathe deeper,” says Jeanne Heileman, founder of Tantra Flow Yoga. “Breath is the link from the physical body to the mind. When we change the way we breathe, we change the way our mind is activating. Thus, you don’t have to say anything.”
Estrada agrees: “The most powerful tool I share with my students during challenging times is to focus on and regulate their breath,” she says. “Steady breathing leads to a steady mind and a steady yogi.”
Use asana to teach students about how they cope with challenge. 
How we do one thing is how we do everything—and looking at how we approach challenge on the mat is a mirror for how we deal with it off the mat. For example, balance poses are a great place for people to face fear together without triggering specific experiences. Think about Tree Pose (Vrksasana). Standing on one leg has little to do with the lessons we are imparting, but it can show students how they respond when they’re scared. When the class explores this type of edge as a group, people are likely to tap into the kind of courage they’re seeking during hard times.
Yoga teacher Jeanne Heileman designed her entire 300-hour teacher training around this concept. “During times of fear and insecurity, teach postures connected to the Root Chakra,” she says. “These include long holds in Standing Poses. Guide your students to connect to the earth, and to feel how it is holding and supporting them.”
See also Elemental Yoga: An Earthy Sequence to Ground Vata
Grounding poses, like Tree (Vrksasana), helps students face fears in challenging times. 
Empower students by showing them what they can change: their thoughts. 
Practicing in an uncomfortable setting is the best place to learn resilience. To wit: The recent California fires provided a real-time opportunity forstudents to learn that while they may not be able to change their external circumstances, they can change their reaction to them. Helpless despair, enraged frustration, and acceptance are all choices—our choices. We can manage our experience through the power of our response. When our response is something harder to contain, like inconsolable grief, we can still change how we think about ourselves, practicing being kinder and more patient.
Hold space. 
Political unrest, bombings, shootings, fires, and abuse are tremendously upsetting events. Other than trauma-specialists and therapists, many yoga teachers are not trained to help our students unpack that kind of trauma. How we can help is by holding space. By doing this, we’re not trying to fix or understand another’s trauma; we’re simply being present with someone and their pain.
Carpenter, who taught during the recent Northern California fires, says she held space in her classes by leading long, slow, flows that encouraged students to move more mindfully and hold poses longer, using lots of props for support. She also finished these classes with supported Legs-Up-The-Wall Pose (Viparita Karani) and Reclined Bound Angle Pose (Supta Baddha Konasana). “I traded some of the specificity I usually use in my instructions for words that encouraged grounding and support,” she says. “There was also more silence, and more gentle hands-on adjustments.”
See also 5 Ways to Create a Safe Yoga Space for Trauma Survivors
By simply being present and more mindful in your asana practice, you can combat challenging times.
Help your students see how they are more similar than they are different. 
Another powerful way to help people heal as a collective is how we begin and close our classes. Beginning and/or ending class by chanting Om is a way to link people together. Om is the omnipresent universal sound—the buzz of the world around us, the singing of the planets from space, the whoosh of the waves crashing against the shore, the breath of your neighbor. By repeating Om, we connect into this greater experience, harmonizing with the whole planet.
Encourage your students to share the benefits of their practice with the world. 
While yoga may be an inside job, it has great external reverberations. The better we feel, the kinder we are. And that goodness pays itself forward. “The more we change on the inside, the more we have a positive impact on the outside,” says Estrada.
Carpenter often ends her classes by inviting students to offer the “goodness” of their practice back out into the world, closing with the words: “May we be grateful for the many blessings in our lives. And may all the blessings we receive be of benefit to all beings everywhere.”
As wellness professionals, we have the important task of grooming a spiritual army—to prepare people for the battle of uncertainty that is life. If we get caught up in the “me” of the healing, we risk losing sight of the “we.” And we heal most together.
See also Yoga Wisdom: How to Spark Your Inner Light + Share It with Others
About the Author
Sarah Ezrin is a yoga teacher in Los Angeles. Learn more at sarahezrinyoga.com.
0 notes
remedialmassage · 5 years
Text
How to Talk About Tough Stuff in Your Yoga Classes
One yoga teacher weighs in on why you should bring up the challenges we’re all facing out in the world—think wildfires, news of sexual misconduct, political unrest, the list goes on—in your yoga classes.
Learn how to bring up the tough stuff in your yoga classes during challenging times
As I write this, a cloud of thick smoke hangs heavy over the city of San Francisco due to recent fires. The sky is tinted an apocalyptic pink and the normally bustling streets have just a few bold souls hurrying along to the next shelter, air masks covering half their face.
Schools and many businesses are closed due to toxic air quality and as I sit here preparing for this morning’s class, I am not only planning my sequence, but how I will—or won’t—bring up what’s happening outside. Do I address it head on? Do I speak about it generally? Do I avoid talking about it altogether?
In our yoga community, negativity can be seen as, well, negative. Yoga teachers often avoid talking about the awful things happening globally in favor of encouraging students to focus on their own personal healing. Yoga class, retreats, studios, and meditation halls have become refuges from outer violence and uncertainty—a vacuum in which everything feels safe and alright. But things are not safe and alright. The country is divided. Planet earth is bleeding fires and crying floods. Just a few weeks ago, a shooter entered a yoga studio and killed two people.
As the world is changing, the teaching landscape is changing, too.
Yogis are looking to their practice and teachers for guidance and while I whole-heartedly agree that our classes should be safe-havens from the madness of the outside world, I have also grown to believe that these are the best places to learn how to handle that madness. Our classes are fertile training ground for showing students how strong they are and how strong we are as a community. How do we help people heal both personally and globally in challenging times?
I believe yoga teachers can use the outside world as teachable moments, without having to address specific traumas or political upset head on. Here are 8 ways to do just that:
See also You're a Yoga Teacher, Not a Therapist
During challenging times, use yoga to turn off the negative noise and go within.
Speak globally, versus specifically. 
It is possible to help students face struggles without going too deep into personal traumas. Use general words and speak to the internal effects versus the external turmoil. While the outside causes may vary, human responses are similar. We have all experienced sadness, hopelessness, anger, grief, and frustration, just as we have all experienced happiness, joy, elation, and surprise.
Los Angeles-based yoga teacher Nikki Estrada told me she steers clear of specific comments in classes that could potentially be polarizing and instead, addresses our challenging times more generally. “I’ll say things like, ‘We are so bombarded right now with all kinds of negativity and intensity and the yoga studio is a space to turn it off, go within, and fill our cups,’” she says. Using the words “negativity” and “intensity” versus a specific example allows students to interpret as it pertains to them, she says. “It is a delicate dance to acknowledge the collective challenge, but not dwell on it.”
Emphasize the power of healing as a group. 
People learn by example, and group responses can be contagious. Think of the concepts of “mass hysteria or “group think.” Just as complaining together can heighten a group’s annoyance, breathing together can also calm the group down.
“If something is going on that is affecting virtually everyone in your room—meaning not just certain political or religious persuasions—and you are authentically feeling it yourself, it may be nice to set the tone gently as the students come in, creating space for their feelings and need for connection,” says Annie Carpenter, founder of SmartFLOW yoga. For example, on the morning of 9/11, Annie had her students make a circle, facing in so they could really sense the connection and support of community.
See also Connecting with Community
Breathing together as a group will unite yogis together during challenging times. 
When in doubt, teach breathing. 
We may have different viewpoints, different politics, and different bodies, but something that connects every single human being on this planet is the breath. “The best way to help your student is to help them breathe deeper,” says Jeanne Heileman, founder of Tantra Flow Yoga. “Breath is the link from the physical body to the mind. When we change the way we breathe, we change the way our mind is activating. Thus, you don’t have to say anything.”
Estrada agrees: “The most powerful tool I share with my students during challenging times is to focus on and regulate their breath,” she says. “Steady breathing leads to a steady mind and a steady yogi.”
Use asana to teach students about how they cope with challenge. 
How we do one thing is how we do everything—and looking at how we approach challenge on the mat is a mirror for how we deal with it off the mat. For example, balance poses are a great place for people to face fear together without triggering specific experiences. Think about Tree Pose (Vrksasana). Standing on one leg has little to do with the lessons we are imparting, but it can show students how they respond when they’re scared. When the class explores this type of edge as a group, people are likely to tap into the kind of courage they’re seeking during hard times.
Yoga teacher Jeanne Heileman designed her entire 300-hour teacher training around this concept. “During times of fear and insecurity, teach postures connected to the Root Chakra,” she says. “These include long holds in Standing Poses. Guide your students to connect to the earth, and to feel how it is holding and supporting them.”
See also Elemental Yoga: An Earthy Sequence to Ground Vata
Grounding poses, like Tree (Vrksasana), helps students face fears in challenging times. 
Empower students by showing them what they can change: their thoughts. 
Practicing in an uncomfortable setting is the best place to learn resilience. To wit: The recent California fires provided a real-time opportunity for students to learn that while they may not be able to change their external circumstances, they can change their reaction to them. Helpless despair, enraged frustration, and acceptance are all choices—our choices. We can manage our experience through the power of our response. When our response is something harder to contain, like inconsolable grief, we can still change how we think about ourselves, practicing being kinder and more patient.
Hold space. 
Political unrest, bombings, shootings, fires, and abuse are tremendously upsetting events. Other than trauma-specialists and therapists, many yoga teachers are not trained to help our students unpack that kind of trauma. How we can help is by holding space. By doing this, we’re not trying to fix or understand another’s trauma; we’re simply being present with someone and their pain.
Carpenter, who taught during the recent Northern California fires, says she held space in her classes by leading long, slow, flows that encouraged students to move more mindfully and hold poses longer, using lots of props for support. She also finished these classes with supported Legs-Up-The-Wall Pose (Viparita Karani) and Reclined Bound Angle Pose (Supta Baddha Konasana). “I traded some of the specificity I usually use in my instructions for words that encouraged grounding and support,” she says. “There was also more silence, and more gentle hands-on adjustments.”
See also 5 Ways to Create a Safe Yoga Space for Trauma Survivors
By simply being present and more mindful in your asana practice, you can combat challenging times.
Help your students see how they are more similar than they are different. 
Another powerful way to help people heal as a collective is how we begin and close our classes. Beginning and/or ending class by chanting Om is a way to link people together. Om is the omnipresent universal sound—the buzz of the world around us, the singing of the planets from space, the whoosh of the waves crashing against the shore, the breath of your neighbor. By repeating Om, we connect into this greater experience, harmonizing with the whole planet.
Encourage your students to share the benefits of their practice with the world. 
While yoga may be an inside job, it has great external reverberations. The better we feel, the kinder we are. And that goodness pays itself forward. “The more we change on the inside, the more we have a positive impact on the outside,” says Estrada.
Carpenter often ends her classes by inviting students to offer the “goodness” of their practice back out into the world, closing with the words: “May we be grateful for the many blessings in our lives. And may all the blessings we receive be of benefit to all beings everywhere.”
As wellness professionals, we have the important task of grooming a spiritual army—to prepare people for the battle of uncertainty that is life. If we get caught up in the “me” of the healing, we risk losing sight of the “we.” And we heal most together.
See also Yoga Wisdom: How to Spark Your Inner Light + Share It with Others
About the Author
Sarah Ezrin is a yoga teacher in Los Angeles. Learn more at sarahezrinyoga.com.
from Yoga Journal https://ift.tt/2Ulg80s
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cedarrrun · 5 years
Link
One yoga teacher weighs in on why you should bring up the challenges we’re all facing out in the world—think wildfires, news of sexual misconduct, political unrest, the list goes on—in your yoga classes.
Learn how to bring up the tough stuff in your yoga classes during challenging times
As I write this, a cloud of thick smoke hangs heavy over the city of San Francisco due to recent fires. The sky is tinted an apocalyptic pink and the normally bustling streets have just a few bold souls hurrying along to the next shelter, air masks covering half their face.
Schools and many businesses are closed due to toxic air quality and as I sit here preparing for this morning’s class, I am not only planning my sequence, but how I will—or won’t—bring up what’s happening outside. Do I address it head on? Do I speak about it generally? Do I avoid talking about it altogether?
In our yoga community, negativity can be seen as, well, negative. Yoga teachers often avoid talking about the awful things happening globally in favor of encouraging students to focus on their own personal healing. Yoga class, retreats, studios, and meditation halls have become refuges from outer violence and uncertainty—a vacuum in which everything feels safe and alright. But things are not safe and alright. The country is divided. Planet earth is bleeding fires and crying floods. Just a few weeks ago, a shooter entered a yoga studio and killed two people.
As the world is changing, the teaching landscape is changing, too.
Yogis are looking to their practice and teachers for guidance and while I whole-heartedly agree that our classes should be safe-havens from the madness of the outside world, I have also grown to believe that these are the best places to learn how to handle that madness. Our classes are fertile training ground for showing students how strong they are and how strong we are as a community. How do we help people heal both personally and globally in challenging times?
I believe yoga teachers can use the outside world as teachable moments, without having to address specific traumas or political upset head on. Here are 8 ways to do just that:
See also You're a Yoga Teacher, Not a Therapist
During challenging times, use yoga to turn off the negative noise and go within.
Speak globally, versus specifically. 
It is possible to help students face struggles without going too deep into personal traumas. Use general words and speak to the internal effects versus the external turmoil. While the outside causes may vary, human responses are similar. We have all experienced sadness, hopelessness, anger, grief, and frustration, just as we have all experienced happiness, joy, elation, and surprise.
Los Angeles-based yoga teacher Nikki Estrada told me she steers clear of specific comments in classes that could potentially be polarizing and instead, addresses our challenging times more generally. “I’ll say things like, ‘We are so bombarded right now with all kinds of negativity and intensity and the yoga studio is a space to turn it off, go within, and fill our cups,’” she says. Using the words “negativity” and “intensity” versus a specific example allows students to interpret as it pertains to them, she says. “It is a delicate dance to acknowledge the collective challenge, but not dwell on it.”
Emphasize the power of healing as a group. 
People learn by example, and group responses can be contagious. Think of the concepts of “mass hysteria or “group think.” Just as complaining together can heighten a group’s annoyance, breathing together can also calm the group down.
“If something is going on that is affecting virtually everyone in your room—meaning not just certain political or religious persuasions—and you are authentically feeling it yourself, it may be nice to set the tone gently as the students come in, creating space for their feelings and need for connection,” says Annie Carpenter, founder of SmartFLOW yoga. For example, on the morning of 9/11, Annie had her students make a circle, facing in so they could really sense the connection and support of community.
See also Connecting with Community
Breathing together as a group will unite yogis together during challenging times. 
When in doubt, teach breathing. 
We may have different viewpoints, different politics, and different bodies, but something that connects every single human being on this planet is the breath. “The best way to help your student is to help them breathe deeper,” says Jeanne Heileman, founder of Tantra Flow Yoga. “Breath is the link from the physical body to the mind. When we change the way we breathe, we change the way our mind is activating. Thus, you don’t have to say anything.”
Estrada agrees: “The most powerful tool I share with my students during challenging times is to focus on and regulate their breath,” she says. “Steady breathing leads to a steady mind and a steady yogi.”
Use asana to teach students about how they cope with challenge. 
How we do one thing is how we do everything—and looking at how we approach challenge on the mat is a mirror for how we deal with it off the mat. For example, balance poses are a great place for people to face fear together without triggering specific experiences. Think about Tree Pose (Vrksasana). Standing on one leg has little to do with the lessons we are imparting, but it can show students how they respond when they’re scared. When the class explores this type of edge as a group, people are likely to tap into the kind of courage they’re seeking during hard times.
Yoga teacher Jeanne Heileman designed her entire 300-hour teacher training around this concept. “During times of fear and insecurity, teach postures connected to the Root Chakra,” she says. “These include long holds in Standing Poses. Guide your students to connect to the earth, and to feel how it is holding and supporting them.”
See also Elemental Yoga: An Earthy Sequence to Ground Vata
Grounding poses, like Tree (Vrksasana), helps students face fears in challenging times. 
Empower students by showing them what they can change: their thoughts. 
Practicing in an uncomfortable setting is the best place to learn resilience. To wit: The recent California fires provided a real-time opportunity for students to learn that while they may not be able to change their external circumstances, they can change their reaction to them. Helpless despair, enraged frustration, and acceptance are all choices—our choices. We can manage our experience through the power of our response. When our response is something harder to contain, like inconsolable grief, we can still change how we think about ourselves, practicing being kinder and more patient.
Hold space. 
Political unrest, bombings, shootings, fires, and abuse are tremendously upsetting events. Other than trauma-specialists and therapists, many yoga teachers are not trained to help our students unpack that kind of trauma. How we can help is by holding space. By doing this, we’re not trying to fix or understand another’s trauma; we’re simply being present with someone and their pain.
Carpenter, who taught during the recent Northern California fires, says she held space in her classes by leading long, slow, flows that encouraged students to move more mindfully and hold poses longer, using lots of props for support. She also finished these classes with supported Legs-Up-The-Wall Pose (Viparita Karani) and Reclined Bound Angle Pose (Supta Baddha Konasana). “I traded some of the specificity I usually use in my instructions for words that encouraged grounding and support,” she says. “There was also more silence, and more gentle hands-on adjustments.”
See also 5 Ways to Create a Safe Yoga Space for Trauma Survivors
By simply being present and more mindful in your asana practice, you can combat challenging times.
Help your students see how they are more similar than they are different. 
Another powerful way to help people heal as a collective is how we begin and close our classes. Beginning and/or ending class by chanting Om is a way to link people together. Om is the omnipresent universal sound—the buzz of the world around us, the singing of the planets from space, the whoosh of the waves crashing against the shore, the breath of your neighbor. By repeating Om, we connect into this greater experience, harmonizing with the whole planet.
Encourage your students to share the benefits of their practice with the world. 
While yoga may be an inside job, it has great external reverberations. The better we feel, the kinder we are. And that goodness pays itself forward. “The more we change on the inside, the more we have a positive impact on the outside,” says Estrada.
Carpenter often ends her classes by inviting students to offer the “goodness” of their practice back out into the world, closing with the words: “May we be grateful for the many blessings in our lives. And may all the blessings we receive be of benefit to all beings everywhere.”
As wellness professionals, we have the important task of grooming a spiritual army—to prepare people for the battle of uncertainty that is life. If we get caught up in the “me” of the healing, we risk losing sight of the “we.” And we heal most together.
See also Yoga Wisdom: How to Spark Your Inner Light + Share It with Others
About the Author
Sarah Ezrin is a yoga teacher in Los Angeles. Learn more at sarahezrinyoga.com.
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amyddaniels · 5 years
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How to Talk About Tough Stuff in Your Yoga Classes
One yoga teacher weighs in on why you should bring up the challenges we’re all facing out in the world—think wildfires, news of sexual misconduct, political unrest, the list goes on—in your yoga classes.
Learn how to bring up the tough stuff in your yoga classes during challenging times
As I write this, a cloud of thick smoke hangs heavy over the city of San Francisco due to recent fires. The sky is tinted an apocalyptic pink and the normally bustling streets have just a few bold souls hurrying along to the next shelter, air masks covering half their face.
Schools and many businesses are closed due to toxic air quality and as I sit here preparing for this morning’s class, I am not only planning my sequence, but how I will—or won’t—bring up what’s happening outside. Do I address it head on? Do I speak about it generally? Do I avoid talking about it altogether?
In our yoga community, negativity can be seen as, well, negative. Yoga teachers often avoid talking about the awful things happening globally in favor of encouraging students to focus on their own personal healing. Yoga class, retreats, studios, and meditation halls have become refuges from outer violence and uncertainty—a vacuum in which everything feels safe and alright. But things are not safe and alright. The country is divided. Planet earth is bleeding fires and crying floods. Just a few weeks ago, a shooter entered a yoga studio and killed two people.
As the world is changing, the teaching landscape is changing, too.
Yogis are looking to their practice and teachers for guidance and while I whole-heartedly agree that our classes should be safe-havens from the madness of the outside world, I have also grown to believe that these are the best places to learn how to handle that madness. Our classes are fertile training ground for showing students how strong they are and how strong we are as a community. How do we help people heal both personally and globally in challenging times?
I believe yoga teachers can use the outside world as teachable moments, without having to address specific traumas or political upset head on. Here are 8 ways to do just that:
See also You're a Yoga Teacher, Not a Therapist
During challenging times, use yoga to turn off the negative noise and go within.
Speak globally, versus specifically. 
It is possible to help students face struggles without going too deep into personal traumas. Use general words and speak to the internal effects versus the external turmoil. While the outside causes may vary, human responses are similar. We have all experienced sadness, hopelessness, anger, grief, and frustration, just as we have all experienced happiness, joy, elation, and surprise.
Los Angeles-based yoga teacher Nikki Estrada told me she steers clear of specific comments in classes that could potentially be polarizing and instead, addresses our challenging times more generally. “I’ll say things like, ‘We are so bombarded right now with all kinds of negativity and intensity and the yoga studio is a space to turn it off, go within, and fill our cups,’” she says. Using the words “negativity” and “intensity” versus a specific example allows students to interpret as it pertains to them, she says. “It is a delicate dance to acknowledge the collective challenge, but not dwell on it.”
Emphasize the power of healing as a group. 
People learn by example, and group responses can be contagious. Think of the concepts of “mass hysteria or “group think.” Just as complaining together can heighten a group’s annoyance, breathing together can also calm the group down.
“If something is going on that is affecting virtually everyone in your room—meaning not just certain political or religious persuasions—and you are authentically feeling it yourself, it may be nice to set the tone gently as the students come in, creating space for their feelings and need for connection,” says Annie Carpenter, founder of SmartFLOW yoga. For example, on the morning of 9/11, Annie had her students make a circle, facing in so they could really sense the connection and support of community.
See also Connecting with Community
Breathing together as a group will unite yogis together during challenging times. 
When in doubt, teach breathing. 
We may have different viewpoints, different politics, and different bodies, but something that connects every single human being on this planet is the breath. “The best way to help your student is to help them breathe deeper,” says Jeanne Heileman, founder of Tantra Flow Yoga. “Breath is the link from the physical body to the mind. When we change the way we breathe, we change the way our mind is activating. Thus, you don’t have to say anything.”
Estrada agrees: “The most powerful tool I share with my students during challenging times is to focus on and regulate their breath,” she says. “Steady breathing leads to a steady mind and a steady yogi.”
Use asana to teach students about how they cope with challenge. 
How we do one thing is how we do everything—and looking at how we approach challenge on the mat is a mirror for how we deal with it off the mat. For example, balance poses are a great place for people to face fear together without triggering specific experiences. Think about Tree Pose (Vrksasana). Standing on one leg has little to do with the lessons we are imparting, but it can show students how they respond when they’re scared. When the class explores this type of edge as a group, people are likely to tap into the kind of courage they’re seeking during hard times.
Yoga teacher Jeanne Heileman designed her entire 300-hour teacher training around this concept. “During times of fear and insecurity, teach postures connected to the Root Chakra,” she says. “These include long holds in Standing Poses. Guide your students to connect to the earth, and to feel how it is holding and supporting them.”
See also Elemental Yoga: An Earthy Sequence to Ground Vata
Grounding poses, like Tree (Vrksasana), helps students face fears in challenging times. 
Empower students by showing them what they can change: their thoughts. 
Practicing in an uncomfortable setting is the best place to learn resilience. To wit: The recent California fires provided a real-time opportunity for students to learn that while they may not be able to change their external circumstances, they can change their reaction to them. Helpless despair, enraged frustration, and acceptance are all choices—our choices. We can manage our experience through the power of our response. When our response is something harder to contain, like inconsolable grief, we can still change how we think about ourselves, practicing being kinder and more patient.
Hold space. 
Political unrest, bombings, shootings, fires, and abuse are tremendously upsetting events. Other than trauma-specialists and therapists, many yoga teachers are not trained to help our students unpack that kind of trauma. How we can help is by holding space. By doing this, we’re not trying to fix or understand another’s trauma; we’re simply being present with someone and their pain.
Carpenter, who taught during the recent Northern California fires, says she held space in her classes by leading long, slow, flows that encouraged students to move more mindfully and hold poses longer, using lots of props for support. She also finished these classes with supported Legs-Up-The-Wall Pose (Viparita Karani) and Reclined Bound Angle Pose (Supta Baddha Konasana). “I traded some of the specificity I usually use in my instructions for words that encouraged grounding and support,” she says. “There was also more silence, and more gentle hands-on adjustments.”
See also 5 Ways to Create a Safe Yoga Space for Trauma Survivors
By simply being present and more mindful in your asana practice, you can combat challenging times.
Help your students see how they are more similar than they are different. 
Another powerful way to help people heal as a collective is how we begin and close our classes. Beginning and/or ending class by chanting Om is a way to link people together. Om is the omnipresent universal sound—the buzz of the world around us, the singing of the planets from space, the whoosh of the waves crashing against the shore, the breath of your neighbor. By repeating Om, we connect into this greater experience, harmonizing with the whole planet.
Encourage your students to share the benefits of their practice with the world. 
While yoga may be an inside job, it has great external reverberations. The better we feel, the kinder we are. And that goodness pays itself forward. “The more we change on the inside, the more we have a positive impact on the outside,” says Estrada.
Carpenter often ends her classes by inviting students to offer the “goodness” of their practice back out into the world, closing with the words: “May we be grateful for the many blessings in our lives. And may all the blessings we receive be of benefit to all beings everywhere.”
As wellness professionals, we have the important task of grooming a spiritual army—to prepare people for the battle of uncertainty that is life. If we get caught up in the “me” of the healing, we risk losing sight of the “we.” And we heal most together.
See also Yoga Wisdom: How to Spark Your Inner Light + Share It with Others
About the Author
Sarah Ezrin is a yoga teacher in Los Angeles. Learn more at sarahezrinyoga.com.
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