#shit made me anxious as fuck

[inevitablestars]

the amount of people in this fandom that just disregard people's feelings and how writers want their work interacted with makes me never want to write again.

#i'm lucky to not personally have my fics put in places i don't want them #but that's just bc none of them have gotten a ton of attention #which is fine bc i write what i want to and enjoy doing it #but sharing my work is something that has made me anxious before and all of the goodreads and wattpad shit writers go through #makes me even more anxious when i do share my work even if i haven't dealt with it personally #like my friends have and it makes me so fucking angry for them and everyone else #okay i'm done now #i hate this fandom a lot of the time and often wish i never joined :)

[anotherpapercut]

just officially sent in my resignation for my fucking childhood dream workplace

#my boss always talks about her 'guilt complex' lmao. as soon as i have another job and dont need to worry about burning bridges #im sending this bitch a letter detailing exactly why she deserves to feel guilty for the rest of her fucking life #i hope she lies awake at night picturing my face. fully intend on letting her know how close i came to killing myself. #fully intend on intentionally continuously saying its bc SHE MADE ME anxious and SHE MADE ME depressed #since she doesnt believe she can make me anxious #i hope she has to attend therapy. i want to make her feel as guilty as she made me feel like fucking shit #fully just wish nothing but the worst for her for the rest of her lonely miserable life. i hope she realizes soon that everyone hates her #truly one of the people she considers to be a close family member also works in our department and hates her! #talks all the time about how awful she is and how horribly she treats all of us #i hope she feels that hatred every day of her fucking life and i hope she never sees true happiness as a result #until the day that my memories of my childhood refuge from abuse are no longer tainted by HER abuse‚ i pray she never knows peace

[jrueships]

sometimes i'll think abt a Fandom and wish it were bigger, and sometimes i'll read something from a fandom.. and wish it were smaller

#ppl seeing a confident black man : FINALLY! A PERFECT ANTAGONIST FOR OUR STORY! #THE CORRUPTOR!! THE ASSHOLE! MR KNOWS ALL! #i want to be bigger into football. i rlly do #but . omg. sometimes seeing just So Much . side eye shit is . like imagine my exhaustion #and this isnt me trying to be the behavior police like let ppl write but sometimes seeing such. Fun. patterns can be like #idk man it's sad like damn thats rlly how the world is and obvs i KNOW how it can be but it's real wack #real wack being reminded even in ur supposed happy place ur supposed lighthearted little break from the world #it's still not . idk. it's just not #oh the poor pale blond qb just a little anxious baby oh and his evil zany teammates trying to corrupt him oh theyre so terrible for my angel #:/ #.. that is. a Grown. Man . #it's like replaying my 2nd grade teacher ******** me bcs i was a troublesome kid and it made her feel young and alive and bad again #like wtf am i corrupting you with maam? skibbity toliet ? leave me alone !! #listen. if it were smthing like 'x rlly likes tomatoes' when he actually likes idk carrots? i would not give a fuck. infact i prefer carrots #but bad patterns have smthing more to say bcs patterns in general have a story #it's more than 'he would not fucking say that' it's 'WHY tf are YOU making HIM say THAT of ALL people & THINGS???' #like i love having asshole characters in my stories too. and they can be poc ! NO ONE is a saint! #but having one just to fuel the only one u actually care abt? having their problems solely be for plot?? & making that one #a SPECIFIC kind of person ?? is kinda giving me 'u dont view x as a human which could mean you dont view x race as humans' #WHICH IS !! IT SUCKS ! THAT SUCKS! #i know i need to just suck it up and ignore it but thats like the life quote of being poc isnt it #ugh #it sucks

[designernishiki]

laying here kinda terrified that kiryu’s gonna be written uncomfortably out of character for these upcoming games (primarily 8) because some of his dialogue talking to ichi felt a little too close to the tone of his cabaret club shit in kiwami 2 for comfort which. was extremely bad and uncomfortable and wildly out of character. like god please don’t try and retcon this man’s whole history and personality to make him some kinda straight smooth-talking james bond type of guy that would be actually. The Worst.

#like. in kiwami 2 it was legitimately problematic considering the flirting written into the cabaret club shit was mainly with a 21 year old #girl he had financial control over as her employer (when he was. 38.) #but beyond that the way his dialogue was written was so out of character it was Jarring like it was. so fucking bad dude #kiwami 2 was pretty recent in the timeline of releases which makes me scared that that trend will continue or be made Worse with this wild #ass proposal bullshit and whatever it may suggest for straight romantic nonsense #uhhdhshhdbd…. #I can Not relax dude like this shouldn’t bother me so much and make me so anxious but. I still haven’t eaten dinner and it’s almost 1am #cause I haven’t been able to pry myself from my fucking phone #straight up not having a good time rn #rambling #kiryu #y8

[steddie-island]

Does anyone else get like. Weirdly existential crisis-y when you read a fic where a character gets to be, oh… 10… 20…. 30 years older than they currently are? Or is that just my like, childhood anxiety about getting older coming back to bite me in the ass?

#I read a really REALLY good Steddie fic #but at one point they get to be in their 50s and they’re happy and alive and I loved that so much #but now my tummy is anxious and I’m like weirdly tearful?? #and this is part of what made me get out of fandom stuff #Oh shit wait actually melancholy is a better word for it Idk #anyway I’m trying to figure out if that IS the trigger for it #also to be clear I’m not UPSET that they’re older #you have to like. Aging is hard? And not everyone gets to do it. #so my faves getting older and being happy is so good #but it makes me weirdly weepy 😂😂 #my brain is fucked tho #If I didn’t have to talk about my surgery trauma in therapy this week then this would be what I talk about

[starlystudios]

“Well,” the hero sighed. “Evil never sleeps I guess.”

Based off the DTIYS from @turquoisemagpie before it… spiralled out of control. But hey, here’s Jackie! This really kicked me back into a JSE and art mood so it was fun :D

(And yes, the sign says “JACKSEPTICEYE”, why do you ask?)

The unfancy version (where it looks like a DTIYS)

#my art #art #fanart #septicart #septic egos #jackieboy man #do you know how long it took me to get the words on the shit right? #do you? #i have art o-level GCE and it had been ingrained in me by my teacher to do fucking ‘interesting perspective’ #thanks ‘cher really made things difficult for me #it’s stuff like this that reminds me why I like art so much so thanks Soph #as I was posting I realised I made some oopsies because I’m an anxious perfectionist #but I’m also aware you’re not supposed to advertise your mistakes #so if it managed to pass my first inspection it’s good enough for me #this isn’t being professionally critiqued anyways so #also the way I hung Jackie’s mask is actually how I hang my mask when I eat #and I don’t have a convenient tissue or plastic or carabiner

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

[running-in-the-dark]

a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)

#the reason I'm thinking about that right now: I wish I had never read that having a crease on your earlobe means you're more likely to have #heart disease. #scared me so much that I read a whole paper about it #but it's been years now so I don't remember the details #just that that's a thing apparently #and guess what my brain does with that information? oh yeah of course I have to obsessively look at the ears of everyone now! does that #do anything helpful? nope! just makes me very very anxious :) #it's just like when I was a kid and I got nightmares about scurvy every time I didn't eat a potato for a week. #like. wow I could be so smart and everything if my brain wasn't constantly focused on random bullshit that is completely irrelevant 😭 #also this thing specifically: I've always been weirdly fascinated by ears and this made that a million times worse and also very scary. #like ooh that's a nice ear :) oh no death exists and this person is going to die and #yeah it sucks. #specifically choosing not to mention any names in this context because my god this shit is on my mind all the time already I really don't #need to say it where anyone can see #it's embarrassing enough #though anyone who has looked at my blog in the past month already knows who I'm talking about. #like. I really shouldn't allow myself to like anyone over the age of like. idk 45. #it's so unbelievably exhausting. #but annnyway I'm totally normal and fine :) #oh yeah I also have creases on my earlobes lol so that definitely added to the scariness (and THEN my mother randomly mentioned recently #that EVERYONE on her side of the family had/has heart disease. bitch WHAT the fuck. anyway so yeah guess we know what's gonna kill me #haha isn't that fun :) ) #ALSO the fact that my memory is very very bad means that I remember absolutely none of the details about shit like this. so it could very #well be completely irrelevant and harmless but i wouldn't remember that part. #and I think even if I found out more it wouldn't help. it's been an obsession for so long. I've never had one go away that I've had for #this long. so. guess I'm just fucked. #personal

[downfallofi]

.

#So like #I had to train the receptionist to do my job #Like all the ins and outs of getting stock shipped and printing forms #In such a way that made me like #Hella suspicious and anxious that theyre just gonna give her my shit to do #Right #So I had that on my mind #THEN #My stupid ass #Trying to get some steps in because I need exercise #Was going up/down a set of steps #And my knee BUCKLED #And I felt a ligament give #Now Im laying in bed so anxious I could cry #Its just a sprain but #Im fucked for work #And I just feel like #Ugh why do things not ever get fucking better for me? #Am I just not supposed to make anything of my life #Like #It really feels like Im constantly just ruining everything #Idk #Sure wish I had someone to talk to about this #Ha #Ha ha #Who would want to listen to me complain #Who would want a pathetic loser like me talking to them #Get fucking real Bryan

[ducktollers]

#delete later #feel like im gonna have a breakdown over this fall being my last semester of school ever #like its all over i have to be a real adult i have to take initiative and do things i have to pay taxes idk #no more FullTimeStudent excuse that keeps me on all my parents healthcare plans #IDK HOW TO DO IT #i get anxious at the fucking mall now i cant do shit bro #ITS ALL OVERRRRRR #ik that also means its all starting cuz half empty half full shit #but thats HARD everything is so hard #and also i completely wasted the last 5 years of my life #like completely #its almost over and i havent made a single friend at uni didnt do fucking anything #part of it is covid but. no excuse for the last 2 yrs #its all over i completely missed it i stood in my own way constantly #its over i cant get the time back and now everything thats already hard is only gonna get harder #GIRL HELP

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#i had such a horrible melt down today... god i just need this week to be over! #i burst several blood vessels around my eyes temple and nose from crying too hard and for trying to do it in silence #and i also figured out that my big smart plan of hitting myself in the head as to not leave marks nor break things doesn't work #because i now have a fucking BRUISE ON MT FOREHEAD #goddamnit #i can hide it with hair but i really need to find a different way to cope... #i used to throw shit around but years of being screamed at for breaking toys or whatever i had in my hand at the moment has forced me to #turn the destruction upon myself #cause at least i'm not breaking shit other people paid for #but damn my head still hurts and now i have to hide the stupid red spots in my hairline #if my mom finds out she will most likely kill me ahnfjsng (not really she will just scream at me and call me stupid for hurting myself #which in turn will make me hurt myself more probably...) #it's a hard thing to admit i self harm. and i never really thought of it like that but it's getting worse so i need to stop #it started with scratching myself when i was too anxious and it turned into full blown out meltdowns... #i had to fight the urge to hit my head on the wall which is scary #like it took all of my willpower and the realization that people would hear me and maybe i would draw blood which would be harder to hide #that's what made me not do it... not the fact that self harming is bad and doesn't help... #like that's a scary thought to have... #i can think about it rationally NOW but in the middle of the mess? nope hitting is the only solution #i'm exhausted and so fucking embarrassed about it #i hate living with my messed up brain #i have to leave the house tomorrow... and because i mask still the only thing vissible will be my fucked up eyes with red dots around them.. #that's gonna be fucking embarrassing as hell?! #not worse than when i gabe myself a black eye tho #that wasn't self harm that was just me fainting when sick and falling face first to the floor lol #anyways... i'm off to bed i just needed to vent ahfnsjf i'm fine now #and i'm gonna do my best to find better coping mechanisms i promise #angel talks #personal #tw self harm

[sk2lton]

we have a guest speaker in math class to talk to us about coping w stress as if this class isn’t the reason i felt like shitting myself this morning😭😭

#chant 𖦹 d’oiseau #‘what r things that stress u?’ THIS FUCKING CLASS THIS CLASS BRUH LET ME OUT OF HERE #I WANNA CRY CZ I GOTTA DO A STUPID FUCKING ONE ON ONE TALK WITH MY MATH TEACHER AFTER THIS SHIT AND SHE’S GONNA TEST ME ON SHIT #on the fuxking spot too. it’s like girl is it not enough that i finished ur fucking stupid assignment that made no sense #there’s literally videos there of me doing each fucking question too and i explain it while doing it #teachers who are like ‘i don’t wanna stress u guys’ then continue to fucking stress u the fuck out should burn i hare them #i js wanna watch the brazil vs switerland match #football is unfortunately my current hf if that’s not obvious and within the past week i’ve memorized most leagues and the teams within them #most players in these leagues. at least the notable ones. and it’s encouraged me to get back into football because growing up i really had — #— a talent for it but then my mental health came in and ruined everything #i was too anxious to do shit anymore so that’s such an L tbh but this isn’t meant to be depressing vent or anything i js wanna say i love fb #ive watched the wc and fb like since the day i popped out of the womb and i rmb the first wc i could rmb #i cheered for argentina so hard but got so upset when they were knocked out by brazil. now i’m cheering for brazil (argentina on the side) #so i feel like a trader to my younger self😭 little me would surely NOT appreciate me cheering for brazil #sk vs ghana was crazy cz i didn’t expect sk to comeback like that in the second half but it’s sad they didn’t tie. good game nonetheless #i’m so mad at team canada ngl cz we had good players but our defense was invisible😭 it doesn’t matter how good our midfielders or strikers r #as long as our def is shitty our team is shitty😭 that’s like building a house on poor foundation #it won’t last long and it’ll cause problems😭 davies goal was such a W and we have so many players from great clubs but i feel like— #— wasted them. i could go on and on and on and on about football #different teams. leagues. who fucked up by doing what😭 speaking of which… mexico’s fuckinf coach set them up idc #i rlly wanted to see lainez play. he’s a fucking game changer but mexico’s coach was like ‘how do i set us up…’ 😭 #mexico was robbed by their own coach.. canada was robbed in the canada vs belgium match jts crazy 😭😭😭

[hearts-hunger]

//

#i feel SO gross and weird and anxious about my stupid job #the person i reached out to that i thought would help me or at least back me up completely blew me off #so there goes that relationship/mentorship that i thought i could depend on #and now i have to go reach out to somebody else who patronizes me every single time he talks to me #all to see if i literally even have a fucking job #teacher work days start in less than two weeks and i don't have a fucking contract!!!!!! #it's been a complete shit show all summer trying to get ANY information much less any commitment on their part #and i'm sick of it and i feel like i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm the problem #like ''oh you just haven't given them enough time'' or whatever #the truth is they should have had this shit nailed down in february. at the very least by the time last school year ended #it's fucking JULY!!!! school starts in THREE WEEKS!!!!!!! #so yeah i hate confrontation and i hate being assertive and i hate being made to be assertive in confrontation #but i have to be because i'm not going to let them treat me like shit because it did good work for them and i deserve some basic respect #ANYWAYS. rant over. going to write this email and uhhhh throw up probably idk #maddie.txt

[scattered-winter]

woe another tag vent session be upon ye

#one of the girls in my class looks just like her. oh my god. #like im not being dramatic i literally thought it was her in my peripheral vision. #literally almost burst into tears in the middle of the room lmaooooooo #and then for the rest of the day every time i saw someone with her hair color i just saw her. #this shit sucks fr y'all i have never almost cried in public this much #and then i had to drive to pick up some groceries and fuck. #ive never been an anxious driver. i quite enjoy driving actually. #but i literally almost had a panic attack when i first pulled onto the road. i was so fucking anxious the entire time i was behind the whee #someone came up behind me pretty fast and i legit had to pull over to calm down it was so bad #so uh. not gonna be driving for a while lol. gonna kill myself or someone else doing that. #idk. idk i think this has me pretty messed up and i probably will be for a while. idk #my roommates and i finally decorated our living room and it was . fun. we laughed and made jokes and it was fun #but well. predictably i am feeling guilty over having fun now. which sucks ass from every angle #should i probably maybe make an appointment for therapy ???? probably ??????????? #idk. might be good to talk all this out out loud yk. but also i Know i will cry and i dont want to do that. #sigh. anyway. #also predictably i cannot sleep. couldnt last night either. #i might go paint in the living room. i dont know. #anyway if u read this whole rant ily ur earning the veteran's pass to Winter's Breakdown Sessions #winter speaks #personal #grief tag #<- once again if u need to blacklist. will not hold it against anybody i prommy #tw death #tw panic attack

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Sick of being tired sad and overwhelmed all the time 😔

#max rambles a lot #it's this house man #i fucking hate it here #i am so over living here and i'm mad because i've been forced into tying up a good chunk of my money in xmas at this point #which means if by some tiny miracle i get to move out before xmas i won't be going nc until the new year #because i'll be damned if i'm paying for these assholes to have a nice xmas without me like fuck that #anyway yeah i'm so overstimulated lately that i want to just rip my face of all the time #had to cancel my tattoo appt because i am WAY to anxious to leave the house and it's made me really sad #also not to be one of Those people but this Matthew Perry news has really depressed me and i'm feeling it really bad #i'm so sad about it i keep bursting into tears with no warning over it #i feel like a fucking loser for doing so #but yeah i'm tired and sad and overwhelmed i miss all my friends being in the same place i miss feeling like i'm in charge of my own brain #sick of sleeping on the floor and being surrounded by clutter and not even being able to take a shit in peace #clinging to the tiniest little things to stop me absolutely losing my mind #a birthday party next week is currently next up but idk what's coming after that so 🤡🤡🤡

[pepprs]

also the favoritism thing is still making me so fucking mad and insane btw. im not jealous / resentful of my brother bc he deserves her love and is also burdened in his own ways by it and bc i think my drama w my mom has shaped my life in profound ways and given me friends i cherish and i would never trade any of that for the world but jesus fucking christ. why do i have to beg you to interact with me like a mother. why do i have to talk to me at all beyond asking me to do you 847439473 favors a day. why do i have to beg you to take an interest in my life and apologize when you hurt me and be nurturing and perceptive for once in your fucking life. like it hurts to hear her asking him about his classes and whatever bc she didn’t think i was stressed out w school but i had to talk to a ****** hotline last decemver when i couldn’t take it anymore and my mental health was crashing and burning and it doesn’t even fucking matter to her at all and she’s going to get him the nice gifts and throw him the nice parties and whatever because she hates me and my sister for… and let me get this straight… being complicated and anxious and depressed and also girls. lol!

#purrs #delete later #sorry i knowive been insane about momposting but this shit has me screeching like an ape. the way when my brother was born she decided me #and my sister would be okay with each other bc we were twins and meanwhile she was leaving my sister to have anxiety attacks and me to take #care of her and all of this happening at like 7 years old and she would come into my brothers room every single night and kiss him goodnight #and talk to him for a long time and she wouldn’t even come in and say goodnight to us. LOL. ok. like our room being a depression nest is not #an excuse. us not helping out much in the kitchen or around the house (which is bad but also we have reasons for it that i think are valid #and i only do it here and not elsewhere btw.) is not a good excuse. you can’t decide you love your one kid more because he helps out and #keeps his room clean and whatever. maybe he is normal because you made it very clear from the time that he was born that he was your top #priority and you gave him your attention and didn’t take it away meanwhile my sister and i have always had to share bc we’re twins and she #cast us aside when he was born and has fucking tormented both of us for years over who we like what we want where we go all of that shit and #then has the AUDACITY to call herself a good mother. being a good mother is more than feeding your kid and projecting your childhood trauma #onto them by preventing them from ever developing cancer to the point where they’re afraid fo like. go outside. you have to be patient and #nurturing and kind and like.. motherly. ans i know no one can be a perfect mother and she has been hurt so badly and she is dealing with a l #lot right now but COME ON. for gods SAKE. i am right fucking here. why don’t you care about me? why do you make it clearer every day? #ask to tag #like the way she would say when my sister and i were growing up and going through it that she wished she could book a hotel and live there f #far away from us and miss out on us growing up so she wouldn’t have to deal with us being anxious and hormonal because we were teenage girls #LOL. totally did not impact me at all. totally is not a wound that informs every breath i take and every thought i have. not at all #* like maybe he is normal because you uh… idk. just a guess here. actually gave him the motherlove people need to be functioning healthy #human beings? idk. just a silly thought. haha