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#shes funnier than amy schumer will ever be

movies4bastards · 5 years

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THE PROPOSAL (2009)

Ryan Reynolds plays a bottom

Sandra Bullock has never been in a movie where she doesnt play a top. Ryan Reynolds is about to get PEGGED. Ok to the review. Sandra Bullock is a Corporate woman and Ryan Reynolds is her assistant. Shes gonna get deported unless they get married. They go to Sitka and find out Ryan is rich AS FUCK. Betty White is in it. They have an awesome bachelorette party. This was like the first time I watched a male stripper on TV. But not the last. Oh and my favorite character Ramone I would die for. I want his job so bad. Its even funnier with the fact that hes not that sexy. The first time I saw it I was like woof but now hes just a middle aged latino guy?? I always see him in stuff from before The Office, and hes trying to be cool and sexy (cause racism, right?) and I just think “lol thats oscar.” The scene where they first see each other naked is really really funny. Peak immature humor. I definetly felt the mood when Betty White faked a fucking heart attack and had to be airlifted out of there. But Im forgetting the best scene: TO THE WINDOW TO THE WALL TO THE SWEAT DRIP OFF MY BALLS. I would watch an entire 2 hour movie of Betty White, Sandra Bullock*, and Ryan Reynolds singing this. Betty White dressed in the fucking ritual garments. THE QUILT. This movie is a dumb mom movie that plays at 3:00 in the afternoon on HGTV. But guess fucking what. Its amazing. Its funny and perfect. Its so much better than anything Amy Schumer ever wrote. We will never get a movie like this again, the perfect “First Rated R” movie for 13 year olds.

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Ramone

FAVORITE SCENE: To the Window...

WORST CHARACTER: The fucking immigration officer

WORST SCENE: When Sandra Bullock leaves

FINAL COMMENT: Ryan Reynolds is a sexy dude, but he looks like Bland McWhitey next to Sandra Bullock.

* Sandra Ballock

#The proposal #sandra bullock #family movie #ryan reynolds #film review

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themomsandthecity · 6 years

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I Struggled With Body Confidence My Whole Life, but My Daughter Changed Everything

In I Feel Pretty, Amy Schumer plays a woman who can't get over the fact that she's not - in her own eyes - beautiful. There's a scene where she's trying to get the attention of a bartender, and he just doesn't see her. Her looks haunt her - in a world obsessed with beautiful people (Met Gala, anyone? Beyoncé at Coachella?) - she feels invisible. I can relate. For most of my life, I've felt that way, too. Or worse, I felt seen, and judged as wrong. Not tall enough. Not small enough. Not thin enough. Not pretty enough. Too big in most places. Never dressed the right way. I have a million stories of the little slings and arrows that contributed to my insecurity. Being a kid who never lost my baby fat. Sucking in my stomach for decades. Hiding as I changed in gym class. Crying in dressing rooms when clothes didn't fit right - or at all - in the biggest size the store had. Related: I Know It Sounds Awful, but I Really Struggle to Teach My Daughter Body Positivity Nothing felt right about me. Not a damn thing, and I didn't get a lot of help from the world in changing that assumption. Television, movies, and magazines showed only beautiful women. Fat people were, with few exceptions, only there to make jokes. Ugly people weren't seen . . . especially ugly women. My mom was too beautiful to understand my insecurities when I was a kid. I didn't have the words to tell my handsome dad. My sister was beautiful, too, with the same red hair as our mother, both of them so often praised and complimented for being a redhead that I hated red hair, my own being utterly boring brown. My brother was quick to point out my physical flaws and mock me for them - I was too fat, my glasses were so thick, I was physically awkward, which seemed to disgust him. I didn't date until I was 19 years old, and it was so hard pretending to be confident after spending an hour trying to hide the breakout on my chin or fluff up my flat hair. Dating didn't make me feel different about myself. In fact, it made me feel worse, since my dating history consisted of three very good-looking guys. What is he doing with her? I imagined people wondering. I wondered it myself. He could do better. Related: This Mom Is Proud That Her "Perfect Body" Went to Her 2 Beautiful Kids Then came the guy I'd marry. By then, I was exhausted from trying to be more than I was - funnier, more interesting, better looking, more ambitious. My last relationship had worn me down to a nub. He was the boyfriend who told me I should lose weight . . . and I did because he was a perfect physical specimen, and so I should at least try, right? (Wrong. I should've dumped him, but it would take me years and years to believe that.) I remember when I met the guy who'd become my husband. I thought, "I'm done trying. He likes me or he doesn't, but I'm not turning myself inside out for someone ever again." And he did like me, then he loved me. He thought I was beautiful. He really believed it. Once, when we were at a wedding, he looked around and said rather smugly, "You're the most beautiful woman in the room." I wasn't. Even his love and sincerity didn't trick me. It was a relief, though, being with a guy who didn't need me to be more than I was. If I had a whopping huge pimple, it was OK that he knew it. If my period was nasty, I could tell him. It sounds so dumb, and yet it was the first time I'd been in a relationship where I'd given myself permission for that kind of honesty. And yet, it was still there, my lurking insecurity, my horror at him walking into the bathroom when I was shaving my legs and didn't have time to suck in my stomach or arrange myself more attractively. He might have thought I was beautiful, but I didn't. I had eyes, didn't I? I knew beautiful, and it wasn't the person I saw in the mirror. Forget being pretty. I failed at motherhood, and it was all I ever wanted. I hated my physical self more than I could ever put into words. Then came pregnancy. I was so happy . . . until I miscarried the day after I told my entire family I was pregnant. It was normal, the doctor said. Sad, but common. I got pregnant again, and waited and waited for the 18-week ultrasound, which revealed a baby with an incomplete heart and brain, a baby who would not make it to term, they said. They were right. At 20 weeks, I gave birth to a baby who would never draw breath. My stupid, stupid body, failing me yet again . . . but this time on the most primal, essential level there was. My sole biological purpose was to procreate. My grandmother had had nine children. Nine! My mother - three kids in four years. I was supposed to excel at this, being a strapping farm worker in size. Wide hips, big boobs, born to breed. Except I couldn't, and I desperately wanted to. I was a failure. Forget being pretty. I failed at motherhood, and it was all I ever wanted. I hated my physical self more than I could ever put into words. My third pregnancy was fraught with terror. I trusted nothing. I waited for doom. At any given day of those 41 weeks, I could've told you how many days it had been since conception. Eight days after my due date, I gave birth to a healthy daughter. What I remember from my labor was a sense of awe. My body was doing things I never knew it could. I got to the hospital at 10 in the morning, and by lunchtime, I was a mother. I was a goddamn superhero. When I held my daughter, I knew I had to be better for her than I'd ever been before. Stronger, braver, more honest, kinder. And not just toward my baby, but toward the world . . . and toward myself. That was when things turned. When I could nurse her, rock her, stay awake for 20 hours soothing her, I was amazed at my physical abilities. When I could carry her on my shoulders and push her on the swing, I liked my strength, my size, my brawny shoulders. When she cuddled against me and declared me "comfy," I liked my soft stomach. When I had to role model confidence and positivity so my daughter would have those qualities, too, I did my flat-out best. And when she looked at me and said, "You're so pretty, Mommy," I knew that I was. When she looked at me and said, "You're so pretty, Mommy," I knew that I was. I've come to like my looks. I think I have a kind face. A ready smile and eyes that hearken back to my Hungarian ancestors. I've accepted my size, which continues to evolve and change as I get older. I'm mostly healthy these days. I try to embrace the gentle humiliations of aging, because I've lost too many friends to dismiss the gift of these 53 years. In my upcoming book, Good Luck With That, two best friends struggle to get to a place of self-acceptance without changing a thing about their physical selves. There's no magical thinking, as there is in I Feel Pretty, no magical concussion. But they get there, step by step, confronting the same things most of us have to, unpacking their issues, together, best friends through it all. In Amy Schumer's movie, Renee walks across the lobby of a Manhattan skyscraper, confident that she's the most beautiful woman in the world. When I walk across a lobby (or a grocery store), I'm confident now, too - not out of the conviction of my beauty, but the knowledge that I'm enough. That I have much to offer. That I'm the mother of two fine people, the wife of a good man, a woman who made a surprisingly successful career for herself, a person who will always help if she can, and with a smile at that. I look just fine. In fact, I look damn good. Kristan Higgins is a New York Times bestselling author of nearly twenty novels. Her latest, Good Luck With That, is available Aug. 7, 2018. http://bit.ly/2Lmu2uK

#I Feel Pretty #body positivity #Personal Essay #Body Confidence #Miscarriage

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rachaeloehring · 4 years

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Something Old: “Beauty Corner: How Not To Fuck Up Your Eyeliner”

Originally posted on a long-lost blog called [abject] on May 15, 2015 (all old links are removed)

You've got a hot date tonight! Or you're going out with that friend of a friend that you're not really into who keeps bugging you on Facebook, at least. I mean, you're not getting any younger, and maybe you'll learn to love him like Pride and Prejudice or something?

Anyhow, you want to look super hot so that he'll really feel the fact that you're out of his league, and the best way to do that is to do your make-up the same way that one girl at Great Clips half-heartedly said made you look just like Katy Perry. Follow these 12 easy steps, and you'll look like a marginally talented pop goddess in no time. And who knows, maybe you'll meet a hot dude on the way to the bathroom who can be your Mr. Darcy? Is that how it works? I dunno, I never saw the movie!

Choose Your Eyeliner

As you know if you’ve ever walked by a Sephora, there are, like, a million types of eyeliner, and there are different kinds that are best suited to different types of looks, such as natural, or cat-eye, or heroin addict.

For a sultry nighttime look, the best type of eyeliner to use is either a liquid or a cream eyeliner for a dramatic winged eye. This liquid eyeliner from Make Up For Ever is waterproof and lasts forever, so it'll even look great the next morning when you wake up in a stupor on a stranger's couch (you're not a slut, you're a feminist! whatever). You can also use a marker-style liquid eyeliner for easier application. Cream eyeliners, like this one allow for a velvety-smooth finish, but you have to buy a special brush, and that just seems like a lot of trouble when you already have to worry about what clothes to wear and whether or not you should really shave your legs even though you shaved them 2 days ago, and hopefully you don't get drunk enough to let him touch them.

Eye Primer?

I know this just seems like another thing you have to buy, but that Asian girl on Youtube swears by this shit, so you kind of have to now.

Put On Eyeshadow

Did you know that eyeliner is supposed to go on after you put on all of your eyeshadow? This makes perfect sense, since you love to live on the edge, and the thought of fucking up the eyeshadow you just spent 20 minutes perfectly blending into your crease totally doesn't send you into paroxysms of fear. I mean, it's not like you have shit to do or places to be (you actually don't, let's be honest), so you have all the time in the world to keep wiping all of your makeup off because you can't keep your hand from shaking. No pressure!

Make Eyeliner Dots

Look, this seems like a lot of trouble, right? You could just spend another Friday night on the couch, drinking too much cheap wine and loudly complaining to anyone who will listen how you should totally have a TV show because you are way funnier than fucking Amy Schumer, who even is she, really?

Just draw dots on your eyelid next to your eyelashes, about a quarter of an inch apart. Then, connect the dots, because god forbid you attempt to do this in one fluid motion and somehow manage to avoid looking like you have early-onset Parkinson's. Whose idea was this fucking turd of advice?

Just fuckin get in there and draw that shit like you want someone to love you. If Amy Winehouse could do it, I think you'll be okay.

Oh God, The Flick

Perfect, you managed to make your eyeliner look like one solid line. Now it's time to do the flick. There are sexy flicks and cute flicks and theatrical flicks, and you can't do any of them. The best way to execute the flick is to follow this nonsensical photo-tutorial.

What does it mean? Why are there so many lines? I don’t have answers for you, but just do that somehow, and you’ll totally look like Audrey, it’s fine. Not Audrey Hepburn, Audrey the drunk girl from your dorm freshman year.

Do The Other Eye Ugh

Congratulations! You've done one eye and it doesn’t look atrocious. Now all you have to do is the exact same thing to the other eye. You’ve made it too far to give up in disgust (or have you?). But seriously, those grandbabies aren’t going to make themselves, and you really need someone to buy you a drink tonight after your lunch fell on the floor at work as you were pulling it from the microwave.

The best you can hope for symmetry-wise is to come close to that one drunken Saturday night when you were playing with purple eyeliner and trying to make yourself look like Divine after watching "Pink Flamingoes" one too many times and convincing yourself that John Waters was your soulmate and maybe he would turn straight for you, and you somehow got your eyeliner PERFECT for the first time, and you thought you had finally GOTTEN IT, and you’d be able to do it like that from now on, forever, but you sobered up and you still suck at it. You should have instagrammed that shit, at least. #regret

You’re Done, I Guess?

You’re going to stare at yourself a lot right now, wishing you could have done better. But, as with all things in life, this is probably the best you’re gonna get!

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elizabethschoices · 7 years

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The Freshman, Book 4, Chapter Four: My Thoughts

So like, why bring luggage in the place if you were just gonna leave the next day? Seriously, save the arm work and just grab a few clothes to wear to bed and then to get dressed in the next morning. I’m either efficient or lazy.

So we’re going to go to a club, and apparently we gotta get there early because it fills up fast. Chris says we just had lunch, but then James explains that it’s in Manhattan, which is two hours away, more with traffic. Which means we gotta go now.

Someone texted James, and he got all frowny-faced. Who is it? Is it Yasmin? Some other chick? MOFO WE JUST BROKE UP LIKE?!?!

It’s his friend Teddy (Let’s have a game on the Teddy Picker) and apparently ol’ boy is trying to make it big in comedy. He invited James to open mic night. Apparently James has to rain check for poor timing. And I’m sitting here like bruh, fuck the club let’s go have a laugh.

I’m up for some comedy. Aww, Chris mentioned Tyler. I miss him! He’s always been a sweetie and a good friend. I wonder how he and Abbie are? Hopefully the exact opposite of Zack and Brandon.

Yay, we’re gonna go see a show! I’d much rather go to stand-up than some stupid club that’ll be jam-packed with too many people.

🎶ON THE ROAD AGAIN!🎶

By the time we get to Soho, it’s late afternoon and walking through the streets. Judging by how Zig and Zack (lmao alliteration buddies) are talking about how casually everyone is dressed, I sense a premium clothing option coming up. Yaaay.

😒🤑😟

So we get to the club and apparently it’s some kind of secret shit because James knocked and then a god damn eye slit opens up. They want a password.

Hello, The Freshman, allow me to introduce you to some bullshit trope we used in Rules of Engagement.

The password is given and literally WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT?!?! WE WEREN’T EVEN GIVEN THE DAMN PASSWORD.

Whatever. Now we’re in the club and Teddy is on stage now. He was kinda hot until I lifted my iPad up a bit and actually looked at him.

Also, I don’t care what your joke is. If it ends with the punchline being ‘floundered’ then your joke isn’t fucking funny. Oh god is this guy gonna flop? Are we gonna have to act like we think he’s hilarious?

Apparently Teddy is actually pretty funny. I’ll believe it when I see it.

This game stresses me out sometimes. So we ditched a club for a comedy show and missed his show? Or did he finish it out and we got to see the rest? I’m lost and a detail-oriented person, Pixelberry.

Yeah, I’m not a fan of yours, Theodore.

So if we’re good friends of James, what is Teddy? Absolutely none of these options, that’s what. Whatever, I’m single so I’ll flirt. He’s *shudders* easy on the eyes.

Yeah, no, I take it back. He’s not hot and he’s damn sure not funny. His jokes are old and stale, and I can’t actually hear his delivery so it’s technically not applicable, but in my head that sucks too. He’s a god damned Amy Schumer.

I like him more when he’s not trying to be funny. We shake hands and then he squeezes into the booth. Together we all watch other stand-up artists perform, and then the emcee asks if anyone else wants to perform.

MC volunteers Zack (heh puns sort of whatever Tyler would appreciate it) who says he’s not that funny. I think he’s pretty humorous. Zig is probably funnier though, tbh. But Vasquez gets top marks.

(“Top marks for not tryin’!”)

Chris is such a Mary Sue, omg. Knock everyone’s socks off? Who says that? Ngl, probably me at some point.

God dammit MC I can’t be funny on command. I’m just a salty bitch. Oh fuck I brought the joke book no. This dumbass thinks a fucking joke book will woo the crowd who came for funny shit, not stupid, unoriginal stuff THAT SOMEBODY ELSE CAME UP WITH AND EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS. I hate my MC.

Ohh, roasting. My area.

I. Love. Zig.

The group is okay with it so we head onto the stage. Thank fuck she’s not gonna read out jokes from the book. I’d have deleted the app, s2g.

Yet implies we’ll be roasting ourselves. Well that’s no fun, having self-awareness. Breaks up her narrative without actually developing the character!

They say intelligent people have a hard time finding love. They say the same thing about assholes.

We’re gonna roast Zig because I’m sure there won’t be any ties to my failed relationship with James because that’d just be too hard.

Someone should pull MC off the stage because this is not funny at all. Ever noticed that when you try to do humor, you aren’t funny? But when you’re not, you can be hilarious?

Jfc so what you’re the Deborah of the group also what happens if you’ve named your MC Deborah? #NotAllDeborahs

I wear low-riding jeans, thank you very much.

Not funny, 0/10, thumbs down, DO. NOT. RECOMMEND.

Zack decides he’ll get on stage and I hope he’s actually funny. I don’t have high hopes. It’ll probably turn into a meltdown about Brandon and the single life.

FUCKING HELL THIS IS A CURSE NOT A GIFT

Sad music and talk about being single already. Fucking A, man. Hopefully it perks up.

No audience would say 'tell me about it’ about this shit, you cannot fucking play me Pixelberry.

I gotta lay off Louis C.K.

Zack has probably from the minute we met him been all about Brandon. What does he actually like? Idfk. Outside of Brandon, who is he? His entire story arc seems to revolve around crushing on Brandon, being in a relationship with him, struggling with long-distance with him, and then finally missing him post-breakup. I’m ready for a change, Zack.

Also, I came for comedy, not for Slam Poetry.

OH MY GOD THIS JUST TURNED INTO ONE OF THOSE OBVS FAKE TUMBLR POSTS WHERE EVERYONE CLAPS AT THE END

I hate this book.

Can it end? Please?

Do I want to go to Club Fuse? No, I want the chapter to end.

Is Teddy seriously trying to give us tips? Or wanting to collaborate? Or an experienced guy wanting to get some tips from two people who don’t know the field? Idk anymore, man. This has turned into some Full House type shit.

MC spots a red pantsuit and lmao Hillary Clinton, 2k16. Kaitlyn is calling us now. Honestly, despite previously not liking her all that much because of Book 3, I’ve cooled off a bit. She’s pretty cool for the most part. And I think this book would be ten times better with her in it full-time. We’ll see what happens when we get to her.

Again, wtf was the point? We got her approval on the outfit that I’m not going to buy, big fucking whoop. No new information was presented. No drama bombs. Absolutely nothing to forward the story in any way. This is all just filler content. This is just a bullshit story for money and not for the sake of telling a god damned story. I’m legit considering not reading this book any longer. But I need diamonds, so I’ll do it anyway. Doesn’t mean I’ll waste my time reviewing it.

We’re sticking to our old clothes.

I’m ready for this chapter to be over. I’m not even trying anymore. Ugh.

We get to the club and flirt with Teddy a bit, he bullshits with Zack. Asks for roasting tips. Hm. I am pretty fucking good at it.

He leaves. Another pointless conversation. MC says he’s into Zack? Good god shoot me. Teddy was screaming 'fuck me MC’ but nooo, we’re gonna turn it on Zack because why the fuck not, not like my MC is single, right?

I hate, hate, hate this book.

It’s great 'cause he’s fucking friendly, idk.

Also, MC, fuck off. He’s heartbroken still about Brandon so stop pushing him to someone else. He needs to fucking heal and he can’t do that by just “moving on” all of a sudden.

Zack says Teddy is into us. Fucking obviously. And of course this moron is gonna say he’s into both. I truly hate my MC. The boys come back with drinks. Fucking give me twenty, I wanna die.

And now we get the 'Zig is bi’ drop which would be fine if we weren’t talking about Teddy who is not fucking hot.

MC wants to go dance. Fall down and get trampled then, bitch. Ugh. I am so salty right now. Sorrynotsorry.

I am not wasting diamonds on Teddy. Let someone else grab him, idgaf. And great, throw Zig at some one-off character instead of me, someone who is single and also the main character.

Zack starts panicking because there are too many people and didn’t he happily go mosh last book? Whatever. I’m happy we’re out because the club wasn’t our scene.

We eat hot dogs for dinner and chill out. We start singing. Someone throw us a dollar or something. Or shoot us. I’m open to all kinds of things.

End chapter. I’ll consider reviewing the next one tomorrow, since I’m a week behind it but also very much hate this book right now.

#the freshman #the freshman book 4 #choices #playchoices #choices stories we play #choices stories you play #i'm salty #there are a lot of f bombs in this post #i regret none of them #i'm really upset right now #i hate this book

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wherever-i-look-blog · 7 years

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While Lynne Koplitz: Hormonal Beasts won’t lead you to question why it took her 20 years to have a special like this, it will lead you to wonder why haven’t you heard of her before?

Summary

At 49, Lynne Koplitz has seen quite a bit. Be it dicks, men, or bull—-. Which she has taken in stride. After all, she is a New Yorker. One which sometimes has petals fly from under her dress as a joke. She can roll with the punches.

Which is something she tries to help you understand. For Lynne isn’t trying to insult you or really get as vulgar as her younger peers, she is funny aunty Lynne. The one who says outlandish stuff that makes you giggle and shames your mother. Like her talking about buying her niece a roofie kit since she isn’t sure if that may have ever happened to her, but she knows she’d probably like sex more if she was unconscious.

Though her take and advice on things aren’t always as outlandish. A lot of what Koplitz talks about is the differences between the sexes and how to understand men. Be it the difference between a crazy man or a crazy woman, how men probably wouldn’t like if they were forced to gag while giving oral, and a slew of other things. All of which gives you hope that maybe when these up and coming raunchy comics get older, maybe they’ll learn how to balance the jokes with vulgarity.

Collected Quote(s)

Men don’t ask each other questions, have you noticed it? They don’t. Most men just tell each other things, unless they are at work or a sporting event. Very rarely do you hear a man ask another man questions.

Other Noteworthy Moments

Highlights

The Sweet Spot

I grew up on Black comedians and have probably watched The Kings of Comedy and Queens of Comedy more times than I can recall. Which I bring up because, like Koplitz does, they didn’t have a need to focus on one specific thing and beat the topic to death. They didn’t have to focus solely on them being Black, politics, sex, or something similar. There was a certain familiarity and not like what you get with Amy Schumer and others who just seem shameless and like they just honestly don’t give an f*** because they get paid regardless. This familiarity was used so they could connect with you beyond the gross things you and their bodies can and have done.

Which you get with Koplitz. Does she talk about being hormonal? Of course, it is in the title. Yet, she shows herself able to talk about, and joke about, things outside of being a woman. Granted, her routine is rooted in what it is like to be a woman and a woman’s point of view, but general statements remind you she is a person before all that. Like not wanting to hear a bunch of millennial girls on a megaphone shouting “Pussy” 7 o’clock in the morning. No matter man, woman, trans, or fluid, no one wants that for their alarm clock. Alongside, what I found interesting, her noting that men are simple creatures who don’t feel the need to ask a lot of questions or, just by jacking off, can get over things like their grandmother dying.

Leading you to believe, she isn’t just a comedian who came up with a bunch of jokes but is someone trying to have a conversation with you. Providing some insight into dating and just how things work. Which helps make her funnier since you lose that vibe of feeling that because she is on the stage so she better make me laugh. Rather, she becomes that weird aunt who makes you laugh because she is so open but keeps in mind no one desires to be grossed out.

Overall: Positive (Watch This)

While you won’t be holding your stomach, or bladder, while watching Lynne Koplitz, you will be presented with someone you may desire to look out for. For while her comedy isn’t so strong you can imagine her being the next big thing, she seems like the type who you’d expect to have a long filmography of guest starring, or supporting roles, on shows you remember watching. Since she truly knows how to craft a persona which feels so familiar to you that she is like that family member you only see during reunions, or on holidays, and is the highlight of the event.

Hence the positive label for while the 20 times I laughed weren’t making me gasp for air, she definitely tickled me enough to leave a positive impression. To the point that if her name is on it, I’d be willing to give the production a chance. I’d even, if it wasn’t a hassle, or over $40, maybe see her live. Which is saying something since $40 is more than I pay for any of the services I use to keep this site running.

#LynneKoplitz: #HormonalBeast - Summary/ Review (with Spoilers) While Lynne Koplitz: Hormonal Beasts won’t lead you to question why it took her 20 years to have a special like this, it will lead you to wonder why haven’t you heard of her before?

#Lynne Koplitz #Lynne Koplitz: Hormonal Beast #Netflix

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humanoid-lovers · 6 years

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Not my favorite Didn't care for it. Some of the stories were amusing but overall it was difficult to find the author to be a very sympathetic character. About a third of the book in she just became annoying and I stopped reading. Go to Amazon

Meh For a funny girl, this just wasn't funny! I couldn't even read the whole thing. I made it to page 40 and thought "Why haven't I laughed yet?" Amy Schumer's humor doesn't present itself in this book. With that being said, I still think she's super talented and funny!! Go to Amazon

Two Stars Expected it to be much funnier Go to Amazon

Amy, will you be my bestie That filter that rewords things about to be spoken out loud that are absolutely unacceptable ... that most women have ... and even some men have ... Amy Schumer doesn't have it at all! And, that is part of her charm. Of course, I do not know Amy Schumer personally, my loss, but her book reads that she is more comfortable in her own skin that anyone I have ever known. No therapist in her budget ... not needed! She is the queen of "own it" and my theory is if everyone 'fessed up to their shortcomings, like Amy, the world would be a much happier place. There aren't many subjects that Amy doesn't touch on in her book, even domestic violence. I found myself offering her advice, out loud, and cheering for her when she realized how unhealthy the relationship was and got out of it for good. The book is full of very graphic details of Amy's sex life but somehow instead of being offended by the language she uses I found myself a little envious of how open she is. The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo is a must read; you'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll find yourself horrified at some situations Amy finds herself in. But, mostly, you'll read the book and envy Amy for the degree of openness she has achieved. Go to Amazon

Two Stars Lost interest about 1/4 way in Go to Amazon

Disapointing While this book had some very funny and touching moments, it was, for the most part a platform for the author to spout her personal agenda[s] and political views and scold the reader for not being open minded (code for "see it my way or be cussed out"). As a rule, I would like entertainers to entertain. If you have a point of view, or something you feel passionate about, fine. If your a comedian, help me see it by making it funny in some way. Don't go on and on about how it's your book and F-the reader if they don't like it. If a reader wants to hear long, drawn out...pontifications...on some personal agenda or political views this is the book for you. Personally, I would got to the established sources for that to get my fill rather than a book that I was hoping to make me laugh a lot more than it did. All in all, for me, a very disappointing read. The author, in my opinion, is extremely talented actor and stand-up and should probably see writing as a form of personal therapy than entertainment Go to Amazon

Not the Laugh-A-Paragraph Memoir Some Might Expect If you're expecting a laugh-a-paragraph, breezy read than you should probably seek out another stand-up comic's memoir. Amy Schumer had a pretty messed up life and she takes the reader through some disturbing, depressing, and sometimes harrowing experiences. That's not to say that the book isn't funny, because it is, and I suppose that's the point. We all go through difficult experiences and our ability to laugh at them is the one thing that can get us through and make us persevere. Having said that, I didn't find myself particularly liking Ms. Schumer as I read about her, which made it a bit more difficult to get through it. She's definitely sharp, witty, and expresses herself well, as most stand-up comics do. It's just that I didn't come away from the book relating to her in the same way that I did with Patton Oswalt or Tina Fey when I read their books. I came away with a sense of admiring her abilities rather than really enjoying the time I spent with her. Go to Amazon

Playful but Thoughtful Amy delivers her thoughts in the funny, self-deprecating way she is famous for. It's a book that teaches you a lot about self-confidence, about family turmoil, about resilience. Each chapter approaches different subjects: from traumatic events in family life to domestic abuse to dealing with the invisible side of press conferences and interviews. Go to Amazon

NOT A Humor Book! Hilarious Five Stars Very funny Bold! If you like Amy Schumer Great gift. Amy isn't as funny as she used to be Three Stars Connection.

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massmurdera · 6 years

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Best/Worst of 2017

Objectively speaking, 2017 was a tire fire of a year in America and I knew that going in. I’ll leave out the Trump bullshit and how I feel. Americans/people like being outraged, but it gets old to wake up every day in a panic. I did when Deflategate was happening to Tom Brady, but that had no real-world implications. Everyday, I was waking up to check Twitter to see what bad shit was happening. I think I did a solid job cutting it out as best I could and not letting it make me go mad.

It was a mostly boring year and then it picked up towards the very end. I might not feel good about America and where we’re I think we’ heading while holding out hope that this ends soon (I’m naïve and think we’re completely/totally fucked) but I guess I feel all right about where I’m going and how I feel about those close to me in my life. I’m controlling what I can control. Things could be better, but I’m all right.

TV Funniest go-to show: Desus and Mero Late Night/Politics: John Oliver Favorite TV show (non-Game of Thrones): American Vandal TV SHOW (non-Game of Thrones): 1) Legion 2) Stranger Things 3) Godless 4) Dark 5) Sneaky Pete 6) Mindhunter 7) Marvelous Mrs Maisel 8) Better Call Saul 9) the Deuce 10) Fargo 11) Ozarks 12) 13 Reasons Why 13) Lethal Weapon 14) Riverdale 15) Mr Robot 16) This is Us TV Comedies: 1) American Vandal 2) Big Mouth 3) Nathan for You 4) Rick and Morty 5) GLOW 6) Veep 7) Brockmire 8) Atypical

I’m biased that a family friend of mine co-created American Vandal and his brother is on the show too in a minor role but it REALLY is great. It sounds stupid that older family members scoffed at or were bewildered by, but it’s far smarter social commentary than it appears. It nailed high school so well.

BEST NEW CHARACTERS Funniest: Hormone Monster/Monstress (Big Mouth) Best Jeff Spicoli that should get a spin-off: Dylan and the Wayback Boys (American Vandal) Best Philip Seymour Hoffman: Edward Kemper (Mindhunter) Most fun/crazy role: 1) Aubrey Plaza (Legion) 2) Susan Sarandon (Feud) Perfect role: Marc Maron (GLOW), Nikki Swango (Fargo) Best drunk: Brockmire Sorely Overlooked: Clayne Crawford in Mel Gibson’s role (Lethal Weapon) Star-Making: Katherine Langford (13 Reasons Why); Rachel Brosnahan (Marvelous Mrs Maisel)

DISAPPOINTING FROM GREAT SHOWS: Curb Your Enthusiasm; Fargo; the Americans; Game of Thrones; Silicon Valley; Veep Shows I half-watch but could give up on: Big Little Lies; Feud; Preacher; Runaways; Shameless; the Sinner; SMILF; SNL; This is Us; White Famous WORST Shows: 1) Twin Peaks 2) the Leftovers 3) the Defenders 4) Taboo 5) Top of the Lake Didn’t work but should have: Vice Principals -had moments Absolute Worst: any and all political panel/news shows (Fox News, CNN, MSNBC). Burn them all to the ground.

Still need to watch: American Gods; BoJack Horseman; Brooklyn 99; Carmichael Show; Catastrophe; Good Place; Halt and Catch Fire; Handmaid’s Tale; Master of None; Punisher

Overall: the new shows were damn good, but the established great shows were all letdowns.

MOVIES 5 STARS: CLASSIC: 1) Get Out 4 STARS: 2) Free Fire 3) John Wick II 4) Dunkirk 5) Star Wars 6) Logan 3 ½ stars: Brawl in Cell Block 99; Good Time; Logan Lucky 3 STARS RENTALS: WATCHABLE: Atomic Blonde; Baby Driver, Babysitter, Big Sick; Blade Runner 2049; Fate of the Furious; Okja; Shot Caller, Spiderman, Split; War for Planet of the Apes; Wind River; Wonder Woman 2 STARS-DIDN”T LIKE BUT DECENT PARTS: Girls Trip; Guardians of Galaxy 2; Ingrid Goes West; Lego Batman; War Machine Most boring/dumbest critic favorite: Personal Shopper Cool twist made up for okay movie: Split Coolest soundtrack/score: Good Time, Dunkirk Most Over-the-Top Violent: Brawl in Cell Block 99 Overrated: Baby Driver, Wonder Woman Disappointed: Lego Batman

NEED TO CHECK OUT AFTER I READ BOOK: Lost City of Z; It HAVEN”T SEEN: Call Me By Your Name; Coco; Columbus; Darkest Hour; Disaster Artist; Florida Project; Justice League; Lady Bird; Molly’s Game; mother!; Mudbound; Phantom Thread; the Post; Shape of Water; Thor; Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri

I’ve got catching up to do. But I think the year in movies wasn’t good.

Best Documentaries: 1) the Defiant Ones 2) Get Me Roger Stone 3) the Keepers 4) Jim & Andy BEST NETFLIX STAND-UP SPECIALS: 1) Dave Chappelle 2) Patton Oswalt 3) Ali Wong 4) Marc Maron 5) Neil Brennan 6) Bill Burr 7) Rory Scovel 8) Mike Birbiglia

Burr’s my favorite comic and seeing him live he is the best comic alive but it didn’t translate live. And he cut out so much of his best stuff. Chappelle might be more natural and have a sense of the moment though. Overplayed controversy -outrage over Chappelle’s jokes. Yeah, I don’t think they actually saw his act and just listened, out of context, to the jokes. He’s still as good as it gets. People just want to be outraged and have things be PC. Comics maybe hype that up, but it’s true. Underrated/Lost moment no one saw: Def Jam 25th Anniversary Special wasn’t good but Chappelle’s 7-minute improv off-the-cuff bit is secretly funnier than anything he did in his 2 specials. I don’t think any other comic alive or ever could have pulled that off as smoothly/naturally.

Worst special: Amy Schumer (like her, but she wasn’t ready to be released and nothing worked: felt like she wanted in on Netflix $ guys like Chappelle/Seinfeld were getting. I get the fairness, but uh, Chappelle’s specials felt like an event.

OTHER SPECIALS (comedy album/non-HBO) SOLID: TJ Miller; Joe DeRosa; Kurt Braunholer; Brian Posehn Didn’t totally work for me but I like them: Jerrod Carmichael, Tiffany Hadish

STILL NEED TO CHECK OUT: Ari Shaffir; Jerry Seinfeld; Brian Regan; Jen Kirkman; Judd Apatow; Hasaan Minaj; Michelle Wolf; Chris Gethard

Just loaded with too much good comedy. It’s never been better with podcasts, Netflix.

Favorite Podcasts: 1) Chapo Trap House 2) Pardon My Take 3) Frotcast 4) Bill Burr 5) Fuck the Chargers 6) Inactives 6) Revisionist History 7) Dollop 8) My Favorite Murder 9) Hound Tall Best Dollop Episodes of the Year: 1) Falling Pilot 2) Falling Pilot 3) Uber 4) Trump 5) Trump part 1 & 2 5) Enron 6) Phantom of the Open Dollop can be hit-or-miss. But the hits? Are as good as podcasting gets for history, comedy, and understanding the times we live in now. They would make for classic movies/docs. but specializes in overlooked, ridiculous stories that may have had massive historical ramifications (Dope Lake, Falling Pilot qualify for that except the ramifications part). Every once in a blue moon, they nail something timely (Enron) or current (Opium; Uber; Trump). They are the calm in the eye of a storm of utter insanity. Best individual episodes: -Bertcast (#217: Dave Anthony/Gareth Reynolds)-funny stand-up stories -Joey Diaz on Rogan/Bertcast -Tom Segura/Bert Kreischer Weight Loss Challenge (Joe Rogan) first episodes of the year)-funny/strangely inspiring. They did another challenge later in the years -Revisionist History-Miss Buchanan’s Period of Adjustment (Brown v Board of Education)-the unintended and disastrous consequences still felt today of why the decision was awful in a way you didn’t consider. It’ devastating to hear -Crabfeast #292 (Gareth Reynolds) talks about being hired to entertain kids birthday parties for 5 years as a side job while trying to make it in comedy. I love stories of failure/struggle at shit jobs Funniest podcast: 600 Dollar Podcast-bummer it ended Frotcast is my next favorite for humor (Best of 2016/2017 episodes are most accessible rather than just being dropped in). Bill Burr always. Best guest on a podcast: James Adomian as Gorka (Chapo Trap House) Best political: Chapo Trap House (and, yes, I am a Grey Wolf) Best Sports: Pardon My Take Best fan hate/schadenfreude: Fuck the Chargers Most underrated: Butterfly Effect (Jon Ronson)-only 6 episodes 3 hours 30 minutes; does what Malcolm Gladwell does but more long-form on the porn industry History: Dollop (over Common Sense/Hardcore History) Best local radio show/podcast: Matty & Nick Overrated/Lukewarm/Forgettable: Crimetown; S-Town; Pod Save America, Larry Wilmore Crimetown and S-Town’ are basically just accents. I didn’t like them the way other people did. Pod Save America is for boring people who don’t listen to podcasts and don’t know or bother for better alternatives. They are inoffensive dudes: it’s VERY basic. I think ‘Lovett or Leave It’ is better depending on the panel. Worst: Missing Richard Simmons Other podcasts I enjoy-Binge Mode, Bodega Boys, Dumb People Town, Emotional Hangs, FOFOP, Handsome Rambler (Hannibal Burress), Lovett or Leave It, We’ll See You in Hell Need to check out more-Crab Feast, Cum Town, In the Dark, Mogul Listen to if they have a good guest -Bertcast, Joe Rogan, WTF, You Made it Weird BEST EVENTS: 1) Pats-Steelers AFC Championship 2) Pats-Texans AFC Divisional 2nd half 3) Chance the Rapper: Boston Calling 4) 1975: Boston Calling 5) Thrice/Circa Survive: House of Blues sadly I couldn’t see Thrice or the stage at all in the mezzanine but I wasn’t mad 5) My Favorite Murder: Wilbur 6) Turnover: Royale 7) Hannibal Burress: Boston Calling 8) Frightened Rabbit: Boston Calling 9) Norm MacDonald @ Wilbur Theatre: Netflix taping 10) watching my friend mosh to Converge while I held his sweatshirt

WORST EVENTS: 1) My cousin at Boston Calling -just a disaster I won’t explain, but it was the probably the most disappointing thing that I experienced all year and shit on my weekend with my friend from LA. I basically had to become a babysitter and ditch my friend. 2) Pats-Texans AFC Championship Game -freezing 0 degree cold January game (expected) in the upper 300-level section and ours was the ONLY one not standing for a playoff game. Sat next to two kids under 8. Then someone brought in a newborn fucking baby that, no hyperbole, could not have been more than a month old. Insane. We snuck into the 200-level section at halftime and it ended up being a fucking party and playoff atmosphere that I wanted, expected, and had enjoyed before. 2) Migos -last minute replacement for Solange: just looked/sounded completely unprepared and they knew it. Crowd didn’t seem to be into it (Boston is mainly white) and didn’t know the lyrics to chant back: when they did so, it failed, and they were laughing it off but knowing it wasn’t a good setting for them. 4) Bon Iver -I liked his new album but doesn’t translate well live and to festivals. Super boring. Watching white people LOSE their shit to lukewarm Kenny G-esque saxophone solos (5 people playing the sax) was ridiculous.

MUSIC 1a) Brian Fallon-’If Your Prayers Don’t Get to Heaven’ 1b) Brian Fallon-’Forget Me Not’ 2) Menzingers-’˜Lookers’ 3) Lorde-’Perfect Places’ 4) Carly Rae Jepsen-’Cut to the Feeling’ 5) Turnover-’Breeze’ 6) Vallis Alps-’Fading’ 7) Kendrick Lamar-Humble’ 7) Calvin Harris/Frank Ocean/Migos-’Slide’ 9) Night Game-’the Outfield’ 10) Kesha-’Praying’

Album: Menzingers-’After the Party’ New Artist: Khalid Late pass: Turnover Late pass song: Lord Huron-’the Night We Met’

WORST POLITICAL: the chaos that comes with Trump-Waking up everyday in anxiety to check what happened on Twitter in America with politics/everything. It was, objectively, a trainwreck tire-fire. There’s too much news (which he obviously likes, even if it’s bad: he likes the attention and is a cable news addict). So, yeah, I don’t want to just be overloaded with it all the time, so fuck you forever. A year’s worth of shit is dumped every week. Thing is, I don’t hate Trump the most. He’s a stooge and he’s only doing everything the Republicans want anyway. It’s just that he’s such a dunce.

Worst music moment: 1) Katy Perry dancing w/ Migos, her music videos 2) Taylor Swift album rollout 3) Eminem’s cringe-y Trump freestyle that sounded as bad as Hamilton

Favorite debacles: Uber, Juicero, Fyre Festival Only because I can’t enjoy the Trump presidency debacles since it’s everyday life. Favorite Online Writer: Drew Magary Best health choice: switching to shoes with arch support -I can’t wear any of the major shoes like Nike anymore. I’ve got super flat feet. I was walking around for 2 months feeling like my foot was broken. I was in agony. Instant relief when I got better shoes. Most Confused thought: How the hell is Martin Shkreli the only evil rich asshole to go to jail? Sweetest/Coolest: Remember, Remember the 5th of November and beyond (super dumb inside joke to only person that might read this BS). I’ll leave it at that. I mean, I totally want to write about it, how awesome/funny it is, a phone call I made to my friend that was 12+ years in the making that he didn't expect. But yeah. I’ll just say it’s really sweet and just not jinx it.

Look ahead 2018 MUSIC: 1) Brian Fallon 2) Thrice 3) Chvrches 4) Wonder Years 5) Arctic Monkeys 6) Carly Rae Jepsen 7) 1975 8) Bruce Springsteen 9) Justin Timberlake NEW HBO: 1) Barry-Bill Hader as an assassin 2) Confederacy 3) Mosaic NEW NETFLIX SHOWS: 1) Maniac 2) Altered Carbon OTHER NEW SHOWS: 1) Corporate 2) the Terror 2) Counterpart 3) the Alienist 4) Waco 5) Good Girls RETURNING TV: 1) True Detective 2) Atlanta SHOWS ENDING: the Americans BOOKS: 1) Stephen King-’the Outsider’ 2) new Game of Thrones? 3) Michelle McNamara Gillian Flynn is overdue for a new book MOVIES: 1) Death of Stalin 2) Incredibles II 3) Soldado: Sicario II 4) Bodied 5) First Man-Chazzelle 6) Where’d You Go Bernadette-Linklater 7) Predator -Shane Black 8) Halloween -David Gordon Green/Danny McBride 9) Widows -Gillian Flynn/Steve McQueen 10) Creed II 11) Deadpool II 12) Hold the Dark 13) Scarface-Coen brothers 14) Black Panther 15) new ‘Cloverfield’ NEW COMEDY SPECIALS: 1) Bill Burr 2) Chris Rock 3)Tom Segura 4) Bert Kreischer, 5) Mike Birbiglia

Biggest bummer: no Game of Thrones until 2019, but I’d rather they not fuck it up

LOOK AHEAD TO 2018: -moving out of parent’ place in 2 weeks while still saving up to buy a house/condos -uh, I just turned 31, so that took forever. I have a decent amount of $ saved up to secure a house, but I want a decent one. -brother’s wedding in April -and bachelor party -cousins getting married and engaged -happening in droves -Pats playoff run and maybe the last best stand in the Belichick-Brady era. Brady could easily play 3 more years, be a top 3-5 QB (he still is the best, most durable/toughest, consistent), break every record, but something to be said about going out on top. -Shows/Tours Hoping to see: Boston Calling, Bill Burr, Brian Fallon, Bert Kreischer, Thrice, Chappelle, Pats -Gaslight Anthem reunion shows for 10-year anniversary of ‘the 59 Sound’ AND hopefully coming back again

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helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog · 7 years

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'Her Funnyness' Amy Schumer Presides Over Judge Judy's Courtroom for the Day

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Amy Schumer is laying down the law.

On Wednesday, the 35-year-old comedian posted a video to Instagram of herself filling in for Judge Judy Sheindlin on her arbitration-based reality court show. While Judge Judy herself wasn't in the courtroom, Schumer had quite the rapport with the show's bailiff, Petri Byrd.

EXCLUSIVE: Amy Schumer on Introducing Her Dad to Goldie Hawn and 'Amazing' Met Gala Chat With Kim Kardashian

"Dream day with @byrdman1157 and #judgejudy he always does a no look pass with documents!" Schumer captioned the video of Byrd cracking up as he passed her a piece of paper. "Thank you for having me and my sis!!!"

Byrd also shared a similar post while on set, writing: "'Her Funnyness,' Amy Schumer and I goofing around on the set of...of... (Dagumit, what's the name of that show again?") #amyschumer #OfficerByrd #judgejudy."

WATCH: Amy Schumer Stuns in White Swimsuit as She Opens Up About Aging and Cosmetic Procedures

There appears to have been quite a few goofy moments while shooting Judge Judy. Schumer posted another pic of Byrd between herself and sister Kim Caramele as they jokingly lunged at one another. "Ay, yo, what up Byrd!" she captioned the image.

Schumer has been busy these past few weeks promoting her movie, Snatched, which hits theaters on Friday, and gushing over her co-star, Goldie Hawn. "This was a complete dream come true," she told ET of working with the Overboard actress. "There is no one funnier, or I would ever dream of working with more than Goldie!"

Check out more of ET's interview with the always-hilarious Schumer:

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helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog · 7 years

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EXCLUSIVE: Amy Schumer Opens Up About 'Dream' Co-Star Goldie Hawn, Reveals How She Asked Her to Do 'Snatched'

brightcove

Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn make a convincing mother-daughter duo in their new movie, Snatched, but their connection is just as strong in real life!

ET's Cameron Mathison caught up with the two at CinemaCon in Las Vegas on Friday, where they opened up about the fast bond they created while filming their new comedy.

WATCH: Amy Schumer’s Boyfriend Ben Hanisch Congratulates Her on Netflix Success With Sweet Swimsuit Post

"I had two daughters," Hawn declared, gushing of the pair's adventures when her daughter, Kate Hudson, came to Hawaii for four days to visit.

"A couple of those great days, we were all together," the 71-year-old actress said. "So it was me and my two daughters."

"Well, I was trying to impress her, but she's like a mermaid," Schumer joked. "To see, like, Kate Hudson's butt, like, snorkeling in front of you and then you're just like, 'I know that's not what I look like right now.' Like, she comes out and she's like.. both of them. We got paparazzi and I mean, [they] couldn't have looked more beautiful."

While the two definitely bonded on set, it seems it was Schumer's candidness that convinced Hawn to do the movie -- her first film since 2002's The Banger Sisters.

WATCH: Kate Hudson Shares Sweet #TBT Pic in Honor of Parents Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell's 34th Anniversary

"It was a choice [to take a break] because what I was doing, I didn't care much about that. I was angered and it was actually a transition," Hawn recalled. "I was like, 'Am I done? Is it the right time to sort of do this?' and then I met Amy, and that's what happened!"

"I just approached her on a plane and she is very sweet, she is a lot nicer than me," Schumer explained. "I was like, 'Yeah, I want you to to be in a movie with me.' And she was like, 'OK, honey.'"

This was a complete dream come true," she added. "There is no one funnier, or I would ever dream of working with more than Goldie!"

Snatched hits theaters on May 12.

EXCLUSIVE: Goldie Hawn Talks Working With Amy Schumer on 'Snatched'

See the trailer in the video below.

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