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#she went on to talk about how she believes in 'gay and transsexual' and i was like
onippep · 10 months
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Is it fine to talk about certain scars now?
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................. Which ones. Guessing, for thematic sake, you mean these?
[gestures to his top scars]
I, uh, guess so. Pfft.
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So, a little recap-- born in Italy, moved over here when I was 16. Shit happened at 19. Came back when I was 24.
[TW FOR MENTIONS OF CHILD ABUSE, WAR, GENERAL UNPLEASANT QUEER EXPERIENCE STUFF, TRANSPHOBIA + HOMOPHOBIA]
We lived in a super-rural area when I was a kid, so I had no idea what all of that was about. I'd find myself doing things that boys would do and I'd get slapped around for it, or never really liking girls. All my friends were boys. I had a lot of body hair for my age. It was weird to my family.
I got a taste of big-town culture from my cousins and uncles and aunts; they're eccentric, and I'm pretty sure one of my aunts was gay (she never married). I got along with her pretty well, but god, my madre hated her, pretty sure. Haven't seen her in a long time.
Bottom line, I was the "weird kid" of the family, so my parents figured (Also as Italians) to give me a brother and sister, see if they could socialize me properly. Maybe they fucked up the first time. Worth a shot, right?
While my madre was pregnant with my brother, we moved here. Maybe city life would do me good. I was thrust into a highschool barely knowing any English, and naturally flocked to the outcasts and socially awkward weirdos that would get tossed around by bullies and such. It was brutal. I met a girl that disguised herself as a boy and went by a boy's name. I met a boy that had a crush on one of the bigger boys of the school. It was a bunch of new experiences that... for some reason, even with my upbringing, didn't feel foreign or weird. It suddenly aligned with me, and I didn't really think about it until I looked in the mirror one day and wanted to throw up at how I looked. I tried dating a girl I got along with. Being a teenager sucks. That shit hits you like a truck and bleeds like an open wound that you have no idea how to stop.
Not that I had the time to find a way. I did bad in school, got held back a few years, and within that time aggressively took my identity into my own hands-- I'm not who my parents thought I was, I hated my name, I hated them, I hated everything. I got quiet. I hated myself because I wasn't the easy, good-grade getting child that was born loving the body it was in.
One day, my dad gets me alone. He asked me what I wanted to do after High School. I said art. He asked me again. I said art. He said that was the wrong answer. I asked him what he wanted me to say instead.
"If you really don't believe you're a girl, then it's time to be a man."
I thought this had good intentions until I was at the front door of bootcamp with some fresh scars on my chest, a few years of testosterone, and...
[sighs]
...
Uh, what was I-- right.
Right, yeah, I was pretty much fully out a few years after I was... discharged. I had a fling with Anton. A few women. Some men. Tried the bisexual label for a bit but found out I was just a full-on homosexual.
...Did I get the surgery before or-- no, I think I...
[blanks out for a few minutes]
...[scratches his head] I-- sorry, I think I got something mixed up. I think I got top surgery after 'all of that'. Shit's scrambled in here.
...
...Right-- I was a fully out transsexual gay man by... I think I was 35? It wasn't a huge focus of mine though since I wanted to try and start my own business. My family knew hard they fucked up with me so they kept their distance-- I let them know how much they failed me (after many years of thinking I was the screwup). Eventually they started using my new name. It was sudden, and there were no apologies.
I couldn't get my art degree, sssooo... Peppino's Pizza it is. Yippee.
Met Gus a year or so after I opened it, connected with a few of the Italian community on the outskirts of the city, uh... then I...
[pauses again]
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--Sorry, this, uh, wasn't a really happy story, but I just. Wanted to say that it was worth keeping myself alive to see myself big, fat, hairy, balding, and smiling in the body I've got now. And happy with the men I've decided to let into my life to love me and this body. It's...
It's something. Better than nothing. I understand that now.
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washipink · 11 months
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Rain by Jocelyn Samara D Year 1: 2010-2011
erSo I recently found out that 1 year ago, a comic that was INCREDIBLY important to me as a trans middle schooler who went to catholic school had wrapped up. This year, I’ve decided I’m going to read through and review Rain by Jocelyn Samara, 1 year of the comic’s run at a time. First up: Year 1, which covers Chapter 1 (The New Girl) through Chapter 6 (Fallen Angel). I’ll be summarizing the story and characters for those unfamiliar, so feel free to follow along.
There’s a LONG-ASS post under that read more. If you have any experience with the comic or enjoy the post, please talk about it with me. It’ll be a good time.
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Year 1 Summary
The star of the show is Rain, a transgender 17 year old girl who moved in with her Aunt Fara after her mother’s death. It starts on the first day of her senior year of high school, the first time she’s ever tried to pass as female in front of... anyone???
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Based on some of the language used in the character bios, I should be very clear that this comic is from 2010 and written by a trans woman who is most likely older than most of my followers. There may be language used that you personally don’t agree with. I’m not a fan of being called transsexual myself, but there’s nothing wrong with saying it.
Anyway, the basic gist is that Rain passes EXCELLENTLY and attracts a lot of attention from her male classmates, much to her dismay.
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But the men aren’t the only people with their eyes on Rain. Lesbian classmate, Maria and her fake boyfriend, Gavin make a bet of 5 United States Dollars out of who can talk to Rain first.
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Here’s the rub: During Role, Gavin seems to recognize Rain’s last name. It’s the same as his childhood best friend, Ryan. Gavin and Maria then banter a little bit, jokingly saying “what if that IS Ryan? could ya believe that?”
Little do they know...
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One thing about Rain is that its cast of characters is by no means infallible. Even characters that I came to love, like Maria, are kind of insensitive. Just about no one in this cast has ever MET a trans person in their lives prior to Rain. It’s very true to life in that way. You meet a lot of people that are ignorant or accidentally insensitive. And sometimes, they learn to stick up for you.
The realistic portrayal of how trans teens can be treated by other teens is one of my FAVORITE things about Rain.
Anyway, Gavin brings up Ryan Falherty to Rain, which causes her to panic and run away.
And Crash Directly into the fifth member of our main cast, RUDY!!!!
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A rather gossipy gay boy that sees up Rain’s skirt and thinks she’s just a REALLY brave gay dude. He tells Gavin and Maria pretty much right away and Gavin does not take it well. The majority of Year 1 is spent on Gavin and Rain repairing their strained friendship after years apart from one another. That begins here, with Gavin confronting Rain about her identity.
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Gavin’s super upset about the whole deal, but Maria and Rudy are some of Rain’s biggest shooters going forward. Even if they can ask a LOT of invasive questions.
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If I’m being completely honest, there’s no MAJOR developments in Chapter 2. Fara gets a call from Rain’s older Sister about how their older Brother hasn’t talked to either of them in forever. This lays a few seeds for later events, but it is PRETTY unimportant for a while. There’s some really good emotional dialogue in it though.
In Chapter 3, Rudy’s meddling directly causes Rain and Gavin to reconcile. They have a discussion about how the reason she never told him was just that she was scared to lose her only friend.
MEANWHILE, in an attempt to make some actual friends, Fara reaches out to her neighbors and meets Ky(lie) and Heather Coven, a Gender Ambiguous Teen who goes to a different high school and her less approving older sister.
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Kylie, also known as Ky, swaps gender presentations incredibly frequently, not really showing any bias for one or the other. So do not expect me to be consistent with their pronouns. Their gender is kinda messy. Almost like he’s some kind of... real person with a real life gender. Crazy.
Anyway, Fara invites them over and she and Heather get drunk, which means she can’t pick up Rain from the mall. Rain needs a place to sleep that night and Gavin invites her to stay with him.
This begins Chapter 4, in which Gavin and Rain realize that things may be different from when they were kids... but there’s a lot that hasn’t changed. Gavin remarks about how much more feminine Rain is than when she was a kid and how that’s WEIRD for him... but they end up playing a game from their childhood pretty much all night. It reminds them of all the good times and ignites within them the hope that they can have MORE good times going forward.
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As an adult with friends I’ve had on-and-off relationships to, this speaks to me way more powerfully than ever before. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The next day, during her hangover, Fara sees Rain’s older brother on an ad for a dating website with his new fiance.
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And on the way back to her apartment, Rain meets Ky for the first time. Neither one of them is aware that the other one has ANY kind of Gender going on and they won’t be for quite some time.
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The chapter ends with Aunt Fara telling Rain about what happened with Aiken.
Chapter 5 is a simple one, Popular prep girl, Emily is giving out invitations to a Halloween party for her “perfect senior year”
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Everyone but Rudy gets one, which causes Maria to give Emily a talking to. She assures Maria that he wasn’t intentionally excluded and it definitely wasn’t because he’s the only openly gay student in the whole school.
Oh, also a dude beats Rudy up for that exact reason, earning Maria’s fury later on. Rain invites Ky to come with the rest of them to the party.
Like I said, pretty simple chapter.
The last chapter of year 1 is Chapter 6: Fallen Angel.
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Everyone is showing off their Halloween costumes before they leave for the party. Rudy’s reads as a bit insensitive to rain, as he goes as.... a high school girl.
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We’ve all heard this one, right? young queer person that wants to toy with their gender expression uses a Halloween costume as an excuse? It can hit different watching your friend do this when you’re a stealth trans person and especially when you’re one as self-conscious as Rain.
When they reach the address for the party, they find out that Emily... has an older Boyfriend. Like, a WAY older boyfriend. Who lets all these literal teenaged children drink at a party in HIS HOUSE.
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also he’s dressed as the devil in case you needed any more signals he was BAD NEWS.
This sounds like a good time for an aside: Fara is on a date with someone she met online. He works at a manga translator and offers to get Rain a meeting with her favorite mangaka.
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Meanwhile, at the party, Chase seems to recognize Rain from somewhere. What could this mean?
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Anyway, remember how I mentioned the underage drinking? Yeah, Rudy is HELLA drunk. And the results are not pretty.
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The whole school sees this and is... BAFFLED. Because of course, Rudy is gay. how could he kiss a girl? Did he do it because he was dressed as a girl? Was it the alcohol? was RAIN Gay? Who knows?
The chapter ends on Rain riding home in tears.
Thus ends the first year of Rain.
Art
Ok, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. This art is... not too impressive. Every character looks like they jumped out of a How to Draw Manga book and Rain’s design is VERY 2010. Backgrounds are infrequent and many panels feature just 2 characters next to each other against a flat color.
But I think that’s okay. While the visual design of Rain is not immaculate, it’s certainly passable. Samara had a story to tell and she didn’t let her art hold her back. She just took pen to paper and let it go. As the comic goes along, you can tell she’s trying different things and experimenting with drawing a variety of poses. That said, the art style never really changes at all during the comic’s run.
Pure Unfiltered Story Opinions
Rain was one of the first real queer stories I’d gotten a chance to read. At the ripe, young age of 12, every word of it was unreal to me. A girl like me made REAL friends in spite of it all and got to be who she was. And now, reading it again, it really holds up.
Rain has a depiction of queer friendships that’s very true to a lot of peoples’ lived experience. Not everyone GETS each other, but they try. Sometimes, they ask a stupid-ass question. Sometimes, you get into fights. 
Also, sometimes people in your high school get prayed upon by creepy weirdos in their late 20s who think they can get easy tail from CHILDREN. (Trust, people. This gets addressed. This is NOT a fucking glorification and if anyone in the notes says it is, they’re blocked.)
I look forward to seeing where the comic goes from here and I hope you’re ready to take that journey with me.
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purplewitch156 · 1 year
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Let me be very clear on this, I fully support actual trans people to use the facilities they feel the most safe and comfortable with, and I agree with you, if abusive man and predators, wanted to harm women and children they will do so, but, Self-identification makes it way easier for predators to gain access to women’s safe spaces – and yes, when I say women, I also include transwomen –
Cont.
Self identification allows anyone who claims to be trans to legally change sex without having undergone any physical changes to their body. Not having to present as the sex they claim they are in any shape or way or form. It means they identify with the body they were born as, which isn’t what a transsexual is, like at all. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. Rowling actually talked about this. And to be honest she explains it better then I did.
Cont.
“I happen to know a self-described transsexual woman who’s older than I am and wonderful. Although she’s open about her past as a gay man, I’ve always found it hard to think of her as anything other than a woman, and I believe (and certainly hope) she’s completely happy to have transitioned. Being older, though, she went through a long and rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation.”
Cont.
“The current explosion of trans activism is urging a removal of almost all the robust systems through which candidates for sex reassignment were once required to pass. A man who intends to have no surgery and take no hormones may now secure himself a Gender Recognition Certificate and be a woman in the sight of the law. Many people aren’t aware of this.”
Cont.
We’re not against trans people being safe, we are against the predators who use a marginalized group to commit atrocities.
I hope you don’t mind me putting all of these into one post so anyone reading this can read it in full.
Thank you for your candor and your explanation. And I agree, it doesn’t sound very transgendered to not present yourself as the gender you feel and I see and understand the concerns. And on the note of presenting yourself as a gender, I’m curious how the non-binary and gender-fluid folks, who do not have a specific gender they are attached to, feel about this because I just recently became aware that we are lumping these groups together and calling them all one thing when they actually aren’t. Sorry to get on that tangent. It was a thought that popped into my head.
I also find it odd that there is a drive to remove the transitional process. I wasn’t aware of this and I’m curious as to the reasons why. Medical and mental health is critically important, and I’d think especially important to the trans community to receive care, support, and validation from medical professionals. I have the assumption that this sort of care has been very hard to get for the transgendered. I am not up to date on what care they are entitled to, how the medical world views or treats the transgendered, etc. It seems odd to me to want to remove some or maybe all of the steps involved with transitioning. Wouldn’t there be a desire for more care or better care?
If you are the same anon who messaged me yesterday, I too have felt that there might be more going on than the simple mantra of people against people, which is so often portrayed in the news and social media. So many of us truly want the trans community and the marginalized to have the rights and support and love they are entitled to and it’s so frustrating that the process is always painful and messy.
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Also, like, how ballsy do you have to be to have two known ace people in your backseat and sit there and go “I still don’t really think I believe that ace is even a thing,” like bruh, you play at being progressive and like to talk about how you’re so different than my parents, but are you really, in the end????
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lcg0103 · 4 years
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Coming Out With the Hard Truth
Do you know how hard it is to tell your family who you really are? Well, it's extremely difficult. The story I'm about to tell you is about the day I came out to my parents... about being gay.
Now for those of you who don't know, being "gay" means I like the female gender. It all started on May 15th, 2014, when I realized that today was the day that I would tell my parents who I really am.
I had the perfect plan on how to tell them:
*part 1; get my ten-year-old sister out of the room.
*part 2; tell my parents, "mom, dad? Can we talk for a minute?" When they would answer, I move on to part 3.
*part 3 being, I tell my parents I'm a little different.
*and finally, part 4 would be me praying to God that they still love me.
I was worried that they wouldn't love me anymore because I've made some past mistakes, (I stole money almost every month) and I was worried that because of my past mistakes, plus me being different, they would throw me out of the house. Did you know that 43% of LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender/transsexual, and questioning) people like me are thrown out of the house by their parents? And that was what I was most worried about!
After dinner, I told my mom "Hey mom, can I talk to you and dad... alone?" She said "yes" then I told my sister, "Sarah, go upstairs for a while" Sarah just went upstairs without saying a word. Now time to start part 3 of my plan. (Parts 1 & 2 were already taken care of) Part 3 was possibly the most difficult out of all the steps. Well here goes nothing.
"Mom, dad. There's something I need to tell you guys... but before I do, I want you guys to know that what I'm about to tell you, doesn't make me any less of a person! But here it goes, mom, dad, I'm... gay" after a moment of dead silence, my mom had said, "sweetie, all though we appreciate you telling us this, you're way too young to know what you are." I was hurt that they would even say that! They don't fucking know how hard it was to tell them something I've been keeping a secret for most of my life, and hearing that just felt like a dagger through my heart.
After that was all said and done, I ran up to my room in tears. After an hour or so my mom came up to my room to "talk".
"Laura, can we talk?" My mother asked.
"Why you're just gonna ruin everything," I said in between sobs.
"Laura, I know you're upset but we NEED to talk!" She said practically yelling at me.
"Fine, talk," I replied.
"sweetie, all though your dad and I appreciate you coming to us about this, but your only fourteen. Your WAY too young to know what you are." She paused for a moment but continued with, "but I believe you. Your father, on the other hand, may need some time to take in everything."
"Really? You believe me?" I said in disbelief.
"Of course I do baby" my mother replied, then hugging me.
"You know mom..." I started, "I was freaking out on how to tell you and dad. I was worried that you would kick me out of the house because you and dad never talked to me about different sexual preferences so I thought that being anything other than straight was not allowed." I say almost in tears (again).
Now four years later, my mom accepts me, my entire family knows, I'm gay. My family accepts me for who I am. But, my father, on the other hand, is somewhat ok with my sexuality. But that doesn't matter to me anymore, what matters to me is that I'm proud of who I am.
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dimitrippy · 6 years
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Pride month may be over, but it is also important to retain some sense of it. So here are some book reviews. If you've read these books, you might not like what I have to say. If you haven't, you may find that you don't want to. Or maybe you're so intrigued by what I've said, you'll want to read them anyway. The books I've chosen to read and review are (in order): This Book is Gay by James Dawson (2014), Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan (2003), and Queer, There, and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World by Sarah Prager (2017).
Note: I am an independent person with no affiliations and I am doing this for fun, I am by no means a professional book reviewer.
This Book is Gay by James Dawson
I'm gonna start right off the bat and say that this book is... out-dated. Published in 2014, this book is a crash course on all things gay... but that's it. Despite many a disclaimer within the book itself, I found the writing to focus almost exclusively on homosexuality, with very little focus on bisexuality or being transgender. 'Well' you may say 'the book is GAY.' And right, it is, but the author, James Dawson, touted it as a guide to all things LGBT, which it wasn't. I understand the lack of nonbinary genders being mentioned, as the term did not really become widespread until very recently, but many trans people will find themselves unhappy when their eyes flick to the words 'transsexual' and 'transvestite'. Not to mention, in a later chapter about sex (skipping this chapter is an option, Dawson makes that clear) diagrams that equate genitals to gender. Overall, incredibly cisnormative. I'm not going to lie, Tumblr may have made me overly bias to any sort of queer literature created by a cis, gay man, but a good LGBT book should really spread out the attention between all of the letters.
I also found the writing style to be, for lack of a better word, trite. And I guess another good word would be condescending. Don't believe me? Dawson refers to sex as 'sexyfuntimes' at least 3 times, if not more. I understand that this book was written to appeal to young adolescents who might be questioning their sexuality or gender, but the word sex was already being used. Why change it to sexyfuntimes? Anyone reading the book should KNOW what sexyfuntimes means. Once was funny, but to keep using it to refer to consensual bedroom business made me feel like the author didn't care about his target audience. Speaking somewhat from experience, an adult talking down to me always made me feel like shit. Teenagers aren't stupid. Us adults need to start acting like it. ( that's not to say that teens can't be stupid, but generally when consuming content that is meant for them, it can be alienating.)
Then the author wrote a chapter on religion that I felt was written from a Christian-centric point of view. The author himself said he had limited knowledge about certain religions but went ahead and wrote about them anyway, assuming knowledge. This is a book that contained interviews with other queer people, you couldn't have found queer people of faith to interview? That just seems lazy to me.
Another big BIG problem that I had with the book was the chapter called 'Gay Saints'... or something to that effect. I had to return the book and I'm writing a lot of this from memory, which is quite good but can't always remember everything...
Anyway, I'm sorry, but however they may have felt while functioning as a boy-band, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are NOT gay icons. They're nothing more than two young men that over-zealous straight girls wish would get together. Sure, they may support the queer community which is all well in good but to refer to 'Larry Stylison' as a gay icon just... left a bad taste in my mouth. Also, Dawson referred to Macklemore as handsome which is just... not correct.
Honestly it felt like a lot of these 'icons' were straight people. And of course gay people have been idolizing straight people for basically forever (look up Friends of Dorothy) but one moment of activism does not a gay icon make.
Not to mention that leaving out Billie Joe Armstrong out of a list like that is criminal, considering he's been an open bisexual and supporting LGBT punk bands since Green Day became popular.
… Also a crime to leave out Prince but there are some battles you can't win...
Still, it would be remiss of me to not mention that this book was meant to be read by EVERYONE, not just by LGBT kids. I definitely understand the need for a book like this, but the queer community has become so fast paced and new terminology is updated and accepted on a near- daily basis. And I, personally, would not recommend this book to my friends (unless my friends want to know the book i'm slamming – LOL ). Perhaps a companion book titled “This Book is Trans” or “This Book is Queer”? Or maybe keep the title and come out with a second, more inclusive edition.
I would, however, recommend it to young, questioning kids and their parents – should said parents be aware of their kid's situation. I also recommend it to straight people who have very little interaction with LGBT people but who want to understand us a little better. I know I said the writing was condescending at times, but it is a good resource for people who aren't gay or who aren't sure what they are yet, especially if they don't wanna dig through Google, trying to find non-homophobic sources.
My overall opinion in a nutshell: Mediocre and non-inclusive
Score: 4/10
Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan
I'm not going to lie, if I had read this book in middle school or high school, I probably would have LOVED it. Pretentious teen romance was probably my favorite genre. (Something I don't talk about very much because everyone on Tumblr has a boner for hating the king of pretentious teen romance novels, John Green, and I rather like him.) Now, however, it is... to be honest it's uninteresting drivel.
The story focuses on local gay high schooler, Paul. Paul has ALWAYS known he was gay and everyone in his small, shockingly liberal town (shocking because it's so small) doesn't really care, except for the parents' of his friend, Tony, another gay high schooler. (only Tony's parents are homophobes and they have to lie about stuff just to get him out of the house)
We have other great characters! Such as Kyle, the bisexual who won't call himself bisexual because he doesn't like labels, also Paul's ex. Infinite Darlene, a trans girl who Paul does not call trans, only drag queen. She is homecoming queen and captain of the football team and also the other drag queens in school (???) don't like her because she's too masculine. Cis drag queens hating trans women, what else is new?
We also have Noah, the pretentious artist new kid and Paul's crush. And Joni, who was Paul's best friend but dumped him for her crappy boyfriend.
Right? The sheer amount of characters made my head spin too. And the drama with everyone was... too much. The only redeeming moment was when Tony finally stood up to his parents. Which he did so in, again, an unrealistic way.
And I'm not even going to mention the motorcycle cheerleaders.
So by the end of it, I was pretty disappointed.
Until I read the author's note. 10 years after it's original publication, David Levithan answers some questions about the book and gave a myriad of reasons as to why he wrote the book the way he did. He explained that he knew how unrealistic some parts of the story were, and that that's why they were there. Because as unrealistic as it was, it is something that he wants to one day be a reality. And that while we're far from that reality, it's something we should always, always be working towards.
There's something very brave about that. It's definitely true that there are far, far too many tragic stories featuring LGBTQA+ characters, but this is nothing short of a very happy story published in a time when stories like that simply didn't exist. A jaded queer person (such as myself) might brush off the pie in the sky life that Paul leads, but ultimately there really is nothing wrong with writing happy endings for people like you.
Should you choose to read this book, I recommend the new edition that comes with the author's note. It puts the entire novel in a much better perspective. It also has a short story featuring Infinite Darlene.
My overall opinion in a nutshell: Pretentious but well meaning
Score: 6/10 (points taken away were re-added after reading the author's not
Queer, There, and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World by Sarah Prager
As an avid history nerd who doesn't read nearly as much historic shit as they should, I loved this book. Clear, concise, and with a detailed bibliography in the back, Queer, There, and Everywhere gives us undeniable proof that people like us – queer people – have always existed.
Starting in ancient Rome, through the civil rights movement and up the the present, Prager makes the context easy to understand by using modern language and beginning each chapter with a brief flashback to each figure's time. While many scholars look at things from a cishet lens and use the language to match, Prager does pretty much the opposite, making a disclaimer at the beginning of each chapter any time modern terminology or certain pronouns usage needs to be used for clarity.
This book doesn't just cover cis, gay people over the course of history, it has something for everyone across the spectrum of gender and sexuality – trans and nonbinary people, lesbian pioneers (no, not 1800s pioneers),George Takei, and much, much more.
While queer history can be a touchy subject, Queer, There, and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World makes it so that our history can not, should not, and will not be erased.
My overall opinion in a nutshell: Fantastic and a necessary must for any person who needs a brief course in queer history.
Score: 8/10 (some of the historic figures she picked struck me as far-fetched, plus use of the outdated terms transsexual and transvestite)
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lizbertmegafig · 7 years
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zazzlepoetry is back
please remember that zazzlepoetry is run by kittyit, a disgusting terf. here’s some lovely quotes:
*edits have been made to the first bulletin point.
she essentially believes that trans women as a whole have been allied with nazis and she credits srs/transitioning to rich trans women paying nazis to experiment on people in concentration camps. this is especially insidious because nazis quite literally destroyed research done to defend the rights of gay and trans people, namely the research of doctor Magnus Hirschfeld. not only that, but she constantly refers to “the transsexual empire” as her source for claims like these, a book notorious for being horrifically transmisogynistic, if the title doesnt give it away. i’d give a warning to anyone wanting to look up quotes from the book, it’s pretty awful.
said “trans men and female nonbinary people are also welcome in radical feminism, as it is a movement about female people, by female people, for female people.” essentially calling trans men ~women~, saying theyre more welcome in woman’s spaces than actual trans women are
also said, in that same post, “i am saying that trans women are male, and a large amount of male people engage in male violence.”
is the origin of that hilariously ignorant phrase: “the word cis, as its being used right now, is misogynistic”
“i believe that non-dysphoric nonbinary people are generally using their identity as a coping mechanism for being viewed as female or to avoid the reality that they are being viewed as male.“ and went on to say that basically, nonbinary people are just ~avoiding the truth about their real gender!~
that entire post is just a massive pile of shit and she has never apologized for it or rescinded her views. shes a dangerous, manipulative terf who made money off of her fake trans positivity for years before she made that “we need to talk” post and everyone realized how terrible she is. she’s vile and dangerous.
it seems like she waited for the fires to die down from her horrible mess and she’s trying to make money off of her stupid stolen t-shirt ideas again. please don’t reblog from zazzlepoetry.
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Re-reading that post where TIMs explain how to rape straight men gives me a "The Man Who Would Be Queen" flashback. One of the author's TIM friend has a bf and he never told him he's a man. And the author is kinda okay with that. Like.
"Wherever she went, Maria was constantly feeling that people were whispering about her, identifying her as a transsexual. I was quite cer-tain that people were whispering about her, but equally certain that they were not “clocking” her (detecting her status as a transsexual). Then she revealed her current personal situation, which helped ex-plain her paranoia. For over a year she had had a steady boyfriend who did not know that she is a transsexual. She had made up a past life in response to his queries. Her gay brother collaborated with her to con-vince her boyfriend of the truth of her false past and to hide the true past. She was extremely concerned that her boyfriend would find out, and the constant worry caused tension in their relationship. For ex-ample, she was jealous that he would seek a “real woman,” although in fact he believed he was already with a “real woman,” and they had been fighting."
"Juanita’s most recent boyfriend confronted her after penetrating her for the first time. Her vagina is shallow, and he concluded that she is not a normal woman. He asked if she is transsexual, and she did not deny it. He ran from her apartment and called her later to say that he could not deal with her revelation just now. She has not heard back from him. Juanita knows only one transsexual who has been with a man for more than a year, and that transsexual’s boyfriend pimps for her."
Here is the author's insight about that :
"On the one hand, any person to whom it mattered would seem to have the right to know. On the other hand, this is a man who by all ac-counts is in love with Maria, and who derives a great deal of satisfac-tion from being with her. (My impression is that his friends and family believe he is very lucky to be with her.)"
This is something we need to talk about.
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achublesumi · 6 years
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Gay Pride Month 2018: I am Fluxsexual
So, I've decided to write about my pride, but not the boastful "Oh I'm perfect," pride. I'm talking gay shit. I don't know if that's really any better, but, honestly, it's one of the bigger facets of my being. I had always been gay and trans. Some of the earliest memories was me dressing as a boy, trying to pee standing up. They are memories I smile at and remember fondly, though I also have the scary, anxious memories as most of us LGBTQI people do. Remembering things like having my mom tell me I need to get a training bra (it literally wrecked my world because I had always seen myself as more masculine). Having to come out over and over again every time I found out something new about myself. That's always nerve-wracking.
So, I'm coming out again. Or, at least, explaining my seemingly complicated sexuality and gender. Do I need to? No, but I want people to understand me. I want to be open to those that have inquiring minds, or even harsh words. I want ignorant people to read this and scream at their god about how sinful I am. At least they now have some knowledge of our struggles as a community, even if they act like they don't. The main point is, this is for me. I don't care what others have to say or what they think. This is me. This is for those that wish to get to know me and to scare off those that thought they did. I don't need negative people who can't accept my fluctuating self. I am a creature of the universe and I will forever keep changing and growing. Get over it. #sorrynotsorry
I'm water, okay.
My gender and sexuality have changed many times. I started as a "straight", unknowingly-trans-cis female who didn't even really believe gay people existed. (Long story short, I had a very religious sperm donor who preached the words of his god and said how bad gay people where.) As I went through elementary school awkwardly I had a bad experience with a cis-male person. (I will need to write about it another time.) It left me fearing cis-male persons (and maybe even others). Though I didn't realize this fear until I was in high school. So, not knowing it was fear I chalked it up to hating men. Which I gave into. I would say things like, "All men are terrible/mean/gross/other means adjectives." I then just started saying I was a lesbian, cis-female throughout most of my high school years. I dated a female friend of mine eighth grade year, though our relationship was secret except to friends. People still somehow heard or assumed and picked fun at us. It was difficult. That was the first time I came out to my mom too. It was a very anxiety filled build up only to be told, "That's nice." I believe I eventually told her I was lesbian, but she would always tell me to, "Do whatever made me happy." I had also met my first actual gay person in seventh grade. At the time, she was a lesbian and talked about her girlfriend. I believe that got the wheels turning for me.
My freshman year of high school I was more "out". I would wear rainbows, but I was still a little nervous when others asked me about it. I had wanted to join my school's GSA, but was too nervous about it at the time. I also had a "boyfriend", but I never saw him because of the fear I was hiding. I avoided him like the plague and any guy that said they liked me. I would purposefully take a longer route to get to class to avoid any guys in that category. Eventually, though, I had to go to the library with a friend. He was there. My heart and mind started racing, I started sweating. I froze as he came towards me and wrapped his arms around me. I was like a scared rabbit or deer. If you had felt or heard my heart, you would have thought it was going to explode. He tilted my head up and kissed me, but all I did was freak out more. I buried my head in his chest and wrapped my arms in a vice like grip around him. I was internally freaking out. I literally didn't know what to do. Typing this now and remembering is giving me the same panicked feelings. Luckily, my friend must have noticed or felt how freaked out I was and grabbed me from him to drag me somewhere else. My savior. I don't know what happened to him, but I never saw him again after that.
I started going to anime conventions a lot with a friend as well and meeting people through that. I started dating a girl we had met at one of those events. She was nice, but lived in Phoenix. And had a boyfriend. She had, of course, cleared me with him first, so that was fine. I didn't mind at all. My first experience with an open relationship. That ended with her cheating, of course. We did try again after, but ended it about a month in. Distance is a killer for me. I also dated that same friend from before (my savior), though, looking back, I feel she is more asexual/aromatic. We broke up soon after dating.
I was a band geek as well, but only sophomore and junior years. Being in band is much like being in a really weird, sexually charged family. Especially with so many of us going through puberty and trying to find ourselves. A few guys in the band liked me, but I eventually became relaxed with it. They didn't do anything unless I told them it was okay. But I was still "lesbian". I had a couple weird experiences with guys through out my high school years, but I brushed them off as flings. I never had sex (and didn't until after I graduated HS). I also dated quite a few more females. Most, again, cheated on me. Sigh.
Through the Gay Straight Alliance club I was president of from sophomore to senior year, I was introduced to the Gay Lesbian Education Network (GLSEN) who would organize a little seminar for GSA's in Tucson. That was where I found the terms genderqueer and genderfluid. I feel I still embody both of those terms. I have feminine and masculine qualities, but I am also fluid through all sorts of genders. They also had meetings in Tucson to plan things like that and our GSA would go often and try and participate the best we could. I was also able to go to a retreat they put on up in NY right outside of NYC. It was a wonderful experience. It was where I had met my first trans people that were looking to transition. It was very eye opening. Hearing their stories started stirring something in my brain. This was the summer before senior year and I was 17 years old.
Though I had come to accept myself as gender queer/fluid, I had never really thought of myself as trans. I think it's because I really only thought of transsexual, as most people do. The night before we were supposed to leave, I had a break down. I sat outside on some grass and just started crying as realization set in. I had always been trans and I could actually see myself transitioning into a male. I don't think I was sad or scared from that, I was just sad because it had been repressed for so long. That, and the fear I had tried so hard to push down came bubbling up. I didn't hate men, I feared them. That ended up helping me define my sexuality as pansexual. I was able to go as Addem the next day as well as use male pronouns. It was so refreshing and felt nice. During senior year, my friends called me male and Addem sometimes. I was even marked absent one time because I was dressed and looked so masculine a substitute teacher would not accept me as who I was! I came out to my mom as well. She took me to a department store and bought me all kinds of male clothing. It was a better response than I could have asked for. Though everyone did not respect my pronouns and what not, I was still just happy. Sure, I had some kids make fun of me throughout my high school career, but kids are just dicks in general.
As an adult, I've also fluctuated. I had sex with a male at 19. We dated for almost 5 years and were even engaged. Though I had always wanted to have sex with a girl first, I was fine with the experience. I had told him I was into open relationships and he didn't seem opposed (when he actually was). I had met a few girls off of Craigslist (yes, I was one of those). We didn't really do much but hang out a few times, but it was still nice. Eventually, my fiance invited another female out for a night of drinking and sex with my first girl happened. She was ideal physically, though she really was not there to be my partner. She wanted just A as a partner, so we ended the relationship. Though she was the one that introduced me to FetLife. I was also on antidepressant/anxiety meds and put myself on Depoprovera shots. My sexual urges took a nose dive. Besides that point, A making me feel gross as a female and never respecting my gender identity. We didn't have sex often and I guess that made him feel I didn't love him? Thanks for the talk...
I got a coworker of mine into FetLife and going to meets. We played with her a few times and she expressed she was interested in being in a relationship with us. There was a couple of others we were in a temporary relationship with that ended soon after we started dating her. We'll call her AB. She had lied the whole time and just wanted A, to no surprise. What was surprising is how they cheated (there's a writing about them somewhere).
Now, my current partner(s), one of which is my spouse (@ekelarsons). Arson is an amazing human being and has helped me grow and express many of my suppressed dimensions. I'm able to say no without feeling bad. I am allowed to dress masculine and be called male pronouns. He uses my preferred pronouns which are "They/Them". It's beautiful.
Now, the point! I am water. I am forever fluctuating, flowing, bending, changing. "My sexuality is as fluid as my gender." is always something I like to say. I go from being hypersexual one week/day/minute to being completely asexual the next. I prefer female bodied partners, but have never been with a MTF person nor a FTM. Cis-males (and maybe FTM?) still scare me to no end, though I am sometimes sexually attracted to them (though older men scare me most, probably because I relate them to my sperm donor). I am usually demisexual with men, but sometimes I just want asexual relationship with one. I am usually highly sexually attracted to most female bodied people, but I get scared or nervous when being sexual with them (though I have had sex with women more than men). I also do this thing where I tell people I have a crush on them so if nothing can happen, I get over the feelings more quickly. I am an enigma. I am complex. My sexuality, gender, and attraction fluxes.
I am gender queer/fluid. I am fluxsexual. I am coming out once again with this term I was trying to make up, but also see others using on the internet. It fits since omnisexual is actually differently defined than what I was using it as.
Thanks for reading. :)
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jjarcc · 6 years
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Brokeback Mountain and Brandon Teena
i think for me, growing up where i grew up was both good and bad. i spent a large portion of my childhood lonely, i felt isolated from other people no matter if they where adults or children. where i live its what i’ll call “the most souther” part of the midwest, we have the poverty and ideology of small-town southern america even deep into the city, and so i often find myself relating more to LGBT characters from movies set in the south rather than the cities in the north/east.
for me, Brokeback mouton really spoke to my heart. the large about of terror both men had for loving each other, the way the wives reacted when they realized their husbands where in love with one another, the movie in its whole.
the movie goes deeper than two repressed gay men having a beer and fuck once a year, the movies dives deeper into showing us the fear these men had. jacks pain and longing to be with ennis, while ennis was so scared of the idea of loving him openly that his emotions where completely shut off and absent throughout their relationship.
when ennis was young, his father had showed him some horrible shit- a gay man from their town bloody, mutilated and dead. jack never knew of this, but i believe that was the root of Dennis’s fear. he didn’t want that to be jack; or himself.
he had probably known, and likely his father too, and thats why they decided to add that into the movie. that particular scene was one of the most striking and powerful for me.
jacks family, however emotionless they where, where not like ennis’s. however, he had a lot of internalized turmoil. the turmoil turning to great frustration as time went on.
over the 20 years in their relationship, there was a lot of lying, tension, and even agony. all because of what? their fear of judgement? or, their fear of the worst; death.
when jack was found dead and ennis found out, i felt my heart stop. i felt that pain in that moment, that crushing pain that ennis felt. all his fears had come true. in a frantic frenzy to find out what happened, he called his lovers widow, and she then (as i assume) knew why her husband was always so joyful to go on those fishing trips.
the whole movie is powerful- and painful. it shows our terror to be ourselves, and shows how we often are treated.
another movie that i find myself relating to the most would be Boys Don’t cry, which is a film about Brandon Teena, a trans man who was murdered based on his identity.
(TW for some of what i talk about coming after this, there will be specific TW for when violence is mentioned)
brandon teena was born in lincoln Nebraska, which i don’t live 3 hours away from, so this one scared my pants off.
he had had quite a troubled childhood; his father died 8 months before he was born, and he spent the first few years of his childhood living with his grandmother, then eventually his mother. (TW) when he was young, he was sexually abused by his uncle, and eventually sought counseling for this.
in 1993, after some legal trouble, he moved to falls city nebraska where he first started identifying as a man openly, and then met Lana Tisdel, and some convicts by the names of John Lotter and Marvin Nissen.
in late december 1993 brandon was arrested for forging checks, and Lana ended up paying his bail. he was thrown into a woman jail, and his girlfriend of course questioned him on it, to which he said he was a Hermaphrodite working towards a sex change, and they continued dating.
Brandon’s arrest was put in the papers, and so he was outted. now, heres the fucked up part; his murder.
now, i couldn’t make myself watch this far into the actual movie, so I’m going off of a wikipedia article now, but i know it was bad. so TW for this part.
this is copied from wikipedia but ill edit it some:
During a Christmas Eve party, Nissen and Lotter grabbed Teena and forced him to remove his pants, proving to Tisdel that Teena was anatomically female. Tisdel said nothing and looked only when they forced her. Lotter and Nissen later assaulted Teena, and forced him into a car. They drove to an area by a meat-packing plant in Richardson County, where they assaulted and gang raped him. They then returned to Nissen's home where Teena was ordered to take a shower. Teena escaped from Nissen's bathroom by climbing out the window, and went to Tisdel's house. He was convinced by Tisdel to file a police report, though Nissen and Lotter had warned Teena not to tell the police about the gang rape or they would "silence him permanently". Teena also went to the emergency room where a standard rape kit was assembled, but later lost. Sheriff Charles B. Laux questioned Teena about the rape; reportedly, he seemed especially interested in Teena's transsexuality, to the point that Teena found his questions rude and unnecessary, and refused to answer. Nissen and Lotter learned of the report, and they began to search for Teena. They did not find him, and three days later, the police questioned them. The sheriff declined to have them arrested due to lack of evidence.
Around 1:00 a.m. on December 31, 1993, Nissen and Lotter drove to Lambert's house and broke in. They found Lambert in bed and demanded to know where Teena was. Lambert refused to tell them. Nissen searched and found Teena under the bed. The men asked Lambert if there was anyone else in the house, and she replied that Phillip DeVine, who at the time was dating Tisdel's sister, was staying with her. They then shot and killed DeVine, Lambert and Teena in front of Lambert's toddler. Nissen later testified in court that he noticed that Teena was twitching, and asked Lotter for a knife, with which Nissen stabbed Teena in the chest, to ensure that he was dead. Nissen and Lotter then left, later being arrested and charged with murder.
one of the real kickers for me, is that brandon’s grave is written as “Daughter, Sister, And friend”.
Because Teena had neither commenced hormone replacement therapy nor had sex reassignment surgery, he has sometimes been identified as a lesbian by media reporters. However, some reported that Teena had stated that he planned to have sex reassignment surgery.
JoAnn Brandon sued Richardson County and Sheriff Laux for failing to prevent Brandon's death, as well as being an indirect cause. She won the case, which was heard in September 1999 in Falls City, and was awarded $80,000. District court judge Orville Coady reduced the amount by 85 percent based on the responsibility of Nissen and Lotter, and by one percent for Brandon's alleged contributory negligence. This led to a remaining judgment of responsibility against Richardson County and Laux of $17,360.97. In 2001, the Nebraska Supreme Court reversed the reductions of the earlier award reinstating the full $80,000 award for "mental suffering", plus $6,223.20 for funeral costs. In October 2001, the same judge awarded the plaintiff an additional $12,000: $5,000 for wrongful death, and $7,000 for the intentional infliction of emotional distress. Laux was also criticized after the murder for his attitude toward Teena – at one point, Laux referred to Brandon as "it". After the case was over, Laux served as commissioner of Richardson County and later as part of his community's council before retiring as a school bus driver. He has refused to this day to speak about his actions in the case and swore at one reporter who contacted him for a story on the murder's twentieth anniversary.
In 1999, Brandon became the subject of a biographical film entitled Boys Don't Cry, directed by Kimberly Peirce and starring Hilary Swank as Teena and Chloë Sevigny as Tisdel. For their performances, Swank won and Sevigny was nominated for an Academy Award. Tisdel sued the producers of the film for unauthorized use of her name and likeness before the film's release. She claimed the film depicted her as "lazy, white trash, and a skanky snake". Tisdel also claimed that the film falsely portrayed that she continued the relationship with Teena after she discovered that Teena was transgender. She eventually settled her lawsuit against the movie's distributor for an undisclosed sum.[14][15]
JoAnn Brandon publicly objected to the media referring to her child as "he" and "Brandon". Following Hilary Swank's Oscar acceptance speech, JoAnn Brandon took offence at Swank for thanking "Brandon Teena" and for referring to him as a man. "That set me off", said JoAnn Brandon. "She should not stand up there and thank my child. I get tired of people taking credit for what they don't know. However, in 2013, JoAnn told a reporter that she accepted Teena being referred to as transgender in the media. Although she was unhappy with the way Boys Don't Cry portrayed the situation, she said about the film, "It gave them [gay and transgender advocates] a platform to voice their opinions, and I'm glad of that. There were a lot of people who didn't understand what it was she (Teena) was going through. We've come a long way". When asked to how the murder affects her life today, JoAnn replied, "I wonder about how my life would be different if she was still here with me. She would be such a joy to have around. She was always such a happy kid. I imagine her being a happy adult. And if being happy meant Teena living as a man, I would be fine with that."
Brandon, an interactive web artwork created in 1998 by Shu Lea Cheang, was named for Brandon Teena. The artwork was commissioned by the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum. Much of the site's content relates to Brandon's story.[36]
The British duo Pet Shop Boys released a song called "Girls Don't Cry" (a bonus track on U.K. issue of I'm with Stupid) about Teena in 2006. Vancouver-based pop-punk band JPNSGRLS released the song "Brandon", off their debut 2014 album Circulation, in memory of Brandon Teena.
boys dont cry was very hard for me to watch because i felt a sense of attachment to brandon, both in personality and feeling. i felt like i really understood, and it scared me.
both brockback mountain and Boys Dont Cry are amazing movies, if you can, check them out. they deserve all the appreciation they can get. 
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lanchyblog-blog · 5 years
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What is your first thought when you see this picture ? 
I know  all of you have different opinions about this subject and also I know how many people have a reaction in my surroundings when they see gays, lesbians, transsexuals... 
Because of this, I wanna tell here  my opinion about someone who is “ different “ ( how many people call them ). For me, they are not different, they are normal, NOT SICK, people. I have some friends who are gay and believe me, they are normal and healthy people. I am telling you this cause in my environment people looking at this like on some disease and judge them. And, to be honest with you, I can not be calm and quite when many people offend them and verbally harassed. This is violence ! For me, the worst is psychic abuse then physical violence, that I experienced, but this is not subject now ;)
However, I know one woman, she is not my friend, we just know each other. She changed her gender, few years ago she was a man. Now she is beautiful lady and I was really surprised when I saw her first time on TV. She was the first person who said, without shame, ” I changed my gender and I am so happy “ in my country. It was, like I said, few years ago. Immediately, I sent her a message on Facebook and I was really happy when she answered me really fast. I sent her message of support, of course. After this, I added her on Facebook, later she started follow me on Instagram. 
We are from small country in Balkan and 90% of people hate gay people and people who are not heterosexuals. I can say that her life was really hard, no one didnt understand her. How she grew up, she realized more and more that she is actually girl trapped in the male body. No one knows this. I just cant imagine what she went through. After many years, she ( in that time, still HE ) married and got 4 kids. After 20 years marriage and false life, she finally admit to everyone what she is and what she wanna to become. And she succeeded. Like I said, she is beautiful lady now. I didnt wanna write here details about her life before, because only her knows how she felt and also she dont wanna talk about the past..so, I dont wanna too.
What is the problem now ? Well, yesterday on Facebook she put some pictures of gay people and many rude comments came on her post. Like I said, my country hate this and I know many people will never accept. Last night she was really upset and to be honest with you, me too. Again I gave her support. My country has big problmes, economics, people are without work, money, government... but this 90% of people will see the problem only when they see someone who is gay or transsexual not the real problem in country. It makes me very angry. 
Why people MUST to value other people ??? Why ?!
Just because they love someone who is the same sex like them ?! 
Why people have a need to humiliate other people ???
Tell me, why ?? 
My parents teached me that all people in the world are the same, regardless of nationality, skin color or sexual preference. Think about it.
For me, love is love, no matter what <3 
Lanchy ;)
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audible-smiles · 7 years
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a manifesto of sorts
my first therapist, the one who failed me the most profoundly, was (and is) a butch lesbian
as a young teenager I had, haltingly, tried to talk to my mom about the sudden onset of post-puberty gender dysphoria (although I didn’t have those words for it yet). wildly out of her depth, she quite sensibly made an effort to find me a therapist (a friend of a friend) who she thought might understand
I went, and (wearing in a binder and oversized clothes) curled up on her couch with my knees pulled up to my chin. I could barely speak, but slowly I poured my heart out
she listened, and then pulled out her copy of the DSM and informed me that since I had not had these feelings since early childhood, I was not a transsexual. that was the end of any conversation about medical treatment. she then leaned forward and proceeded to tell me, quite earnestly, that it was ok for women to be masculine. in particular, I remember a story in which she had been mocked for going fishing with her father as a child. I had gone fishing with my father as a child, and had never once thought of it as some kind of gender-deviant activity. I had been raised in a different era than her, a different place, a different world. it was a precious kind of freedom, that it genuinely had never occurred to me that I might not be allowed to go fishing.
this therapist did not have vocabulary or theory for me. she did not have advice. she did not have coping mechanisms. she did not have historical context, or book recommendations, or even the ability to demonstrate that she understood the kind of suffering I was trying to describe. if she had ever felt dysphoria herself- not just intense frustration at the pervasive misogyny that was so much more limiting for her generation than mine, but actual physical discomfort- she said nothing about it. I described bodily suffering, and she responded by telling me that I was a lesbian, and that I could wear men’s clothing if I wanted. (I was, and I did want!) but she wasn’t listening, and she had no tools to give me. after two sessions I understood that I would get no help here. I went home and told my mom I wasn’t trans. she said “thank goodness, those people have such hard lives”.
I wore men’s clothes sometimes. it helped; it didn’t help enough. the stress of my ongoing discomfort eventually triggered my first depressive episode. with meds, I struggled up out of that black pit over a period of years. at some point I read Stone Butch Blues (like everybody does) and it was a revelation (as it always is). I remember thinking ‘why did no one ever tell me that lesbians could feel like that?’ eventually I went to college, and the number of trans people I knew quadrupled almost overnight.
when I turned, in those years, to transgender theory, medical treatment, and community, it was because I had to. they didn’t seek me out in order to steal me away from gay people- I felt drawn to them as my kinfolk, exactly the same way I felt drawn to gay (and bisexual) people. but I had finally exhausted the limited resources of cis gay communities when it came to genderqueerness, and I needed to move on. trans people have unique and valuable ways of knowing, a magic and a wisdom and a community all their own. (and neuroses, and silliness, like every group) I am profoundly grateful for everything they’ve shared with me. they have given me empathy, love, understanding, and encouragement, when no one else did. they have been, and always will be, my friends. my people.
but at the same time, I recognize that there is a point at which our paths and our experiences diverge. I have been on testosterone; I elected not to continue. I have been given the opportunity to change the sex on my passport- I stowed the letter away and did not make use of it. ‘he’ in the mouths of strangers makes me smile- in the mouths of friends it makes me anxious. I am, despite an amazing amount of similarities between our experiences, not a trans man. 
and so what I would like to do now is turn back to my first community, which I have never left in my heart, without relinquishing my love and gratitude towards my second community. I am not ‘detransitioning’. I am not here to warn about the dangers of puberty blockers, or to defend to the death the right of lesbians to tell trans women, over and over, unprompted, how unfuckable they are. but neither am I here to pretend that I’m thrilled to have facial hair, or that internalized hatred of butch women didn’t affect the development of my gender identity, or that asking everyone their pronouns is harmless and unproblematic. etc. my truth is my truth. 
the development of transition tech has been a miracle for many, but it also tore the fabric of our community right down the center. as genderqueer people began for the first time to actually have the option to ‘pick a side’, and the gay rights movement picked up steam, gay and transgender communities grew apart from one another. we are of course in many respects different, but when we are kept rigidly separate, all of us are impoverished. pushing trans people out into their own medical box has hurt everyone, not only delaying the fight for transgender civil liberties, but in fact also hurting gay GNC people tremendously by denying them friends, knowledge, and options. you can use surgery or hormones to transition, or you can use surgeries and hormones, as I did, to make your assigned gender bearable. or you can switch your pronouns or your style of dress without altering a single thing about your body. there are countless other ways of conceptualizing queer bodies and queer lives, and we deserve to have access to all of them. I believe that the current giddy proliferation of alternative terms for every nuance of gender identity and sexuality is at heart our youth’s attempt at mending that tear, at stitching ‘trans’ and ‘gay’ back together with a rainbow of thread.
gender dysphoria is hardly the defining trait of LGBT people, but it is a common one. making a home out of a body that feels alien to you can be extraordinarily difficult, and anyone walking that path deserves respect, however they choose to go about it. the line dividing us cuts through the center of my heart, and who is willing to destroy a piece of her own heart?
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Let the Games Begin
Ayato Sakamaki; the over protective, narcissistic vampire, Yes he earned himself a lot of fan girls within the school but when the new girl (Name) came in, he wished to make sure she had a horrible first day; only to find that she was the most laid back person ever. She walked in giving that rebel vibe already making a group of guy friends seeing they found that she was pretty chill and easy to talk to. Walking around the halls looking for her class, she raked her short hair back slicking it back, showing more of her features. Looking at the school map, she managed to find the female locker rooms and changed into her gym clothes and walked to the courts outside where he class was waiting for her "Yo what happened to you?" asked one of the guys giving her a bro hug "Dude I got lost" she laughed returning the bro hug "(Name) you’re on the no sashes, we're playing basketball" the gym teacher announced "Cheers" she called out and said to her mates a good luck that she was up against "Don’t worry (Name) we'll go easy on you because you're a girl" one of her mates said making her smirk "Alright, but I give my all in games because I'm the best" she called out. She took the ball and shot from half court jaws dropped and the boys started to give their all but one boy was pissed as he was no longer center of attention. When she had possession of the ball some guy with Reddish-Brown hair elbowed her right in the guts sending her on her backside "Ts how weak. You'll Never be as good as Ore-sama" he smirked as the gym teacher blew the whistle. (Name)'s mates helped her up and glared at the boy "Oi Sakamaki you can't do that that! That’s against the rules. You did that on purpose" one guy said as the others agreed as they helped (Name) up to her feet "Oi chill out guys, if this narcissist wants to play dirty than sure I'll play" she said coughing a little but smirked at him. His eyes went wide in surprise but soon smirked back, she was defiantly different from the other girls and that made him a little excited "Is there a problem?" the teacher asked glaring at the two "Not at all" the two said still looking at each other with smirks on their face "Alright then, play on" the teacher yelled returning back to the side of the court.
The match was at a draw, but as the class came to an end the two was still at it. And the teacher was becoming frustrated as they wouldn't stop the match until one gained a point to break the draw "If you two don't stop this I will give you two a detention slip" the teacher threatened. The two students panted locking glares and continued their match; the teacher gave up and left both of their detention slips on their bags with tape on them so they didn’t fly away. This by all means didn’t stop the two from finishing off their match of basketball "You can quit whenever you want Pancake" He panted heavily his hands rested on his knees "Never" she said panting just as heavy as him but held her smirk. He smirked at her fighting spirit and tried to get the ball but she managed to get out of the way nearly tumbling over her footing. They boy kept up with her but she played a dirty trick. Pretending that she was about to shoot, he lunged for the ball but kept her foot out and leaned away, causing the boy to trip over her foot falling. Having him falling gave her enough time to try and get the shot but out of nowhere he was in front of her and as she jumped him he did too and raised his arm up. Her face hit into his underarm and felt his sweat and dropped the ball where he took it and scored a goal "you bastard" she laughed wiping her face from his sweat "HA! I WIN!" he said happily and lies on the floor catching his breath. (Name) joined him, the only thing that was heard were their heavy breathing "Ayato" he breathed out tiredly "(Name)" she introduced herself tiredly. The two gave each other a fist bump, as they started to laugh at the whole situation "I never knew someone could keep up with me" he laughed a little "A girl at that" she added and laughed and he gave a nod "Yeah a girl at that, you truly amaze ore-sama" he smirked "Dude I can't believe you got me a detention on my first day" she laughed and he joined in "Hey at least Ore-sama will be there to company you" he smirked. Getting up he holds a hand out for her whom she takes and he pulls her up as they laughed walking to their bags to get some water.
~DETENTION~
The two sat down in the room as the teacher sat lazily reading a magazine "Ps, Pancake" Ayato whispered to her as she looked over and sat next to him. With her hand she explained write it down, and so he pulled out some paper and grabbed a pen and wrote down in it as (Name) waited patiently
I'm bored entertain yours truly. No way you entertain me I won that game so it's only fair True, but I don’t feel like entertaining you How dare you deny Yours Truly Simple, you don't own me I will own you one way or another Creepy much, but can't wait to see you lose. Game on (Name)  Oooo using my name now Well then, I'll be waiting, Sakamaki.
The two looked at each other with a gleam in their eyes of determination. One determined to make her his and the other determined to see the other suffer, but in the end she knows deep down she will fall for him in the end, but for now she just wanted to have some fun with him.
Ayato and (Name) were two peas in a pod. These two were always together, but they kept their promise;
I will own you one way or another Creepy much, but can't wait to see you lose. Game on (Last Name) Oooo using my name now Well then, I'll be waiting, Sakamaki.
Ayato wanted her all to himself and she turned him down as usual. But Ayato knew he was losing as he found himself boiling up with jealousy each time he saw her either hanging out with the other male students, but more when she was becoming friends with his own brothers. He knew he had competition if he finds out his brothers want to be with her or want her to be theirs, he mire thought angered him greatly "OI PANCAKE GET OVER HERE" he called out to (Name) who flipped him off. She stayed where she was chatting with Subaru who was having trouble with math as was (Name) so they -meaning by “they” I mean (Name) did the talking- asked Reiji for help "Ayato, please, Subaru and (Name) are trying to study their math work that they are struggling in. Please reframe from distracting them" Reiji scolded "Ts whatever" Ayato muttered throwing himself on the couch "Reiji~ this is boring my head hurts and I don’t understand any of it" she whined Subaru looked at her with a small dust of pink on his cheeks but tried to concentrate "(Name) please deal with it for now... what is it you do not understand" he sighed annoyed by her whining "Everything!" she said frustrated messing her short hair that now looked like a bird nest "(Name) I understand that we have been at this for an hour now, and you have a memory of that of a gold fish, but you need to at least understand some math so you are able to survive in the real world" he said with a push of his glasses "Oh so this isn't the real world, this is like Narnia or something pff okay then" she said sarcastically as she was hungry and frustrated "(Name) please restrain from being sarcastic when I'm trying to help you" he said clearly annoyed by her sarcasm "Okay, okay sorry I'm just stressed and I haven’t eaten for a while" she pouted as the glassed wear boy sighed and pushed his glasses up "Subaru, (Name) take a break while I prepare some food for the family then after dinner we will be back into the text books for your biology" he announces and walked off to the kitchen "Pancake~" Ayato said in a whine "What~" she whined back "Be mine" he ordered "Nope" she smirked "Come on! I tried everything on you, and nothing affects you" he said frustrated as he sat up glaring at her slightly "Maybe it's because I'm not submissive like others" she laughed ignoring his glare "Are you sure you're into guys" Ayato questioned "Dude I'm Pansexual" she laughed "You like pans?" he said tilting his head confused "No! Idiot, Pansexual is a group which is open to members of all sexual orientations or gender identities including straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexuals. That is the real definition, but for me I'm just not picky" she explained "Ohhh....so in a way you into chicks" Ayato pouted "I mean yeah? They’re so easy to dominate" she smirked "Looks like pancake is sadist" he teased a little "Hey I ain't disagreeing nor am I agreeing to it" she laughed a little.
After a while Ayato was back at trying to get her to submit to him but he found himself always at a dead end. He's tried the whole "bad boy" thing where he would block her way and ask her out, he's tried the blunt way, the desperate way. He's tried everything but still nothing. (Name) being despite the fact she was a tomboy and really guyish, she was really into the shy kind and possibly the girly type men but she liked Ayato but she wanted to see him be himself not someone he's not, she wanted him to be real with himself and just tell her instead of being blunt, "bad boy", desperate, and etc. One day Ayato was with (Name) panting and sweating, catching their breaths they took a break from their basketball match "Oi good game" he said giving a toothy grin as she chuckled "Cheers fam" she punched his shoulder softly "Ne... (Name)..." He said awkwardly, she hummed in response so he could continue. "Do you like me?" He looked at the floor. "Yeah, I like you" she replied without hesitation knowing well of her feeling towards him "You do?! Wait...but not as a friend, yeah?" He asked looking at her surprised "Sure why not" she chuckled "Then go out with me" he smirked "Nope" she replied smirking at him due to his reaction. Frowning as he thought for any kind of reason as to why she was toying with him, he didn't know why she wouldn't date him. He confirmed the fact that she likes him more than a friend so why was it so hard for him to get her to date him "Why do you always say no! If you like me, more than a friend then date me!" He said annoyed shocking her for a second "Simple....I don't date people aren't true to themselves" she explained "I'm real though! I'm not some fictional character! I'm Ayato Sakamaki, yours truly! I am a strong pure blood" he yelled angered by frustration "That's not what I mean...you always act like something you're not, I know you're real but are you real to yourself? Do you know how you feel? Do you know what your heart says? Do you know what love is? Do you know what happiness is?" (Name) explained to him sternly. Silence filled the court Ayato stood there in shock. He looked down as those question ran in his head, but something in him told him told him he knew the answers, he just had to say them out loud. Every part of him told him she was the reason "Well? What are the answers Sakamaki?" She smiled softly at him "...you" he muttered quietly "You make me feel real, when I feel numb you are always there to put me back in place, I know I'm real because of you, you make me alive. I know how I feel when I’m around you...you make me smile and jealous and sad all at the same time, when you're with other guys I smile when I see your smile, but I feel so much jealousy when I see you with them laughing and smiling when you're not with me...but I'm sad to know that anyone of them are able to snatch you away because they are silly mortals... My heart says that regardless if they are mortals somewhere in you, you will choose me not because I'm a vampire but because...I know what happiness is because you showed me what it was, you made me more motivated to go to school just to see you, you made me happy to help you in some subjects heck even getting good grades just to get a praise from you...and I know what love is because of you...you showed me all of those things, you did not only show me the love of a friend but I hope that latter on in life you'll show me the love of a partner and possibly a wife"
After Ayato had told his feelings and having (Name) shy away a little form him she eventually said yes. Getting to school, Ayato was very protective and would pull her away from her guy friends but she then made sure to put him in place by hitting him saying he needs to understanding that she is a loyal person and would never give a guy or girl a second glance, usually the two would have horrible argument which would end in wrestling and maybe some punches. But Ayato if he did hit her out of anger he would somehow hold back and apologies before he received a hard blow to the stomach or face.
"Oi (Name) you me, amusement park let's go" he demanded one day in class for the whole class to hear "Sure? But we'll go when I have a free okay" She answered a little confused by the sudden order. When her free came about, which was for lessons six and seven the two signed out and walked to the amusement park. It was a comfortable silence between them "Oi (Name)....I want to ask you something" he said a little awkwardly as they walked together "You're not breaking up with me are you" she laughed jokingly causing the self-centered red head to become flabbergasted "Why would you say that! And no I'm not!" He yelled blushing "It’s just a prank bro, so chill" she laughed punching his shoulder softly he glared at her a little "What did you want to ask me?" She laughed softer as she smiled at him ignoring his glare. The two had finally arrived at the amusement park still in their school uniform because why not, they began to make their way towards the haunted walkthrough "...You ruined the moment" he muttered as they headed inside the haunted walkthrough "Aha okay sorry then" she laughed as she paid for the tickets much to Ayato's disagreement "(Name)..." He called out. (Name) had grabbed his wrist, leading him around seeing as he was trailing behind and seemed to be lost in his thoughts "Yeh?" She stopped, looking at him as there was the sound of scratching on the walls that could be heard from a distance "I want us to take our relationship to the next level" he said pulling her to a side. It was his turn to grab her wrist and to take dominance in a sense "Sure, but now isn't a good time. We’re in a Haunted walkthrough ride" she explained as she looked at the details of the walkthrough "But wouldn't right now, right here, make things more exciting~" he purred in her ear pinning her to one of the walls again "Yo dude you better back the fuck up before I make you back the fuck up" she shoved him off her glaring at him harshly "But I know you want it-" he smirked as he tried to lean into her again "Ayato stop it, you know I don't like Laito because how he treats women so stop acting like him" she scolded him as she shoved him off again "Come on (Name), you know we both want it" he smirked moving closer to her "Boi you are giving off rape-y vibes, so back up" she glared at him in a harsh manner which annoyed him really "But you love me and I love you, why not take the next step here and now" he purred. "Look I don't want that okay, maybe some other time. Maybe when you can think of a romantic setting to ask that again" she shoved him again and walked out of the haunted walkthrough ignoring the paid actors who tried to scare her. Ayato tsked haven been annoyed for not getting what he wanted, he teleports behind her and hugging her from behind in hopes she’ll cooperating with him but by her body language gave him the cold shoulder meaning she was not having any of his excuses "Sorry" he muttered in her ear with slight sincerity in his voice "Ayato get off me" she growled but he only held tighter nuzzling his face in her neck "Ayato don't touch me" she yelled at him so he could get the message that she didn’t want anything to do with him in that moment. Ayato let's go staring at her in shock; he didn't think what he was doing before was something bad. Judging from her reaction, now he knew he must have stricken a cord in her "I'm going home" she muttered walking off. Leaving Ayato standing there confused, angered and annoyed, he decided to think of something to do or says to make things right between them because he knows that she can become as cold as a freezer if messed with "Wait, I'll walk you home!" Ayato called out as he ran towards her to catch up. (Name) sighed and lets him follow; she ignored all the people around them and Ayato in particular. And to say the least Ayato felt bad, he never liked the silent treatment from (Name). Because she usually forgets to call, text and even talk to him and he always felt lonely. Ayato walked her home and he tried so many times to hold her hand but she would snatch it back and glare at him, still not have any of his shit essentially. He frowned now getting frustrated with her and her silent treatment "Okay what is your problem! Look I'm sorry! I know I crossed a boundary and I'm sorry for that!" He yelled as she stopped in her tracks. He sees that she had hands clenched to fists, she made a noise of annoyance by his apology as he yelled it at her "Oh and you think apologizing is just going to make everything alright? You crossed a fucking boundary with me, and you know what I'm sick of you acting like this! Always thinking you better than everyone with your stupid God complex! I'm sick of it, Ayato. And you know what I'm glad you can say sorry but frankly I highly doubt you even mean it" she explained to him and walked into her house slamming it behind her. Ayato stood there he felt pain in cold non beating heart, he teleports in her house and corners her. This caused her so much anger she honestly didn’t want to talk to him, he fucked up big time "I said I was sorry....And I know I have a God complex but....I ain't perfect! Sure I say I'm the best but if I were the best than my girlfriend wouldn't be treating me like this-" "Save it Ayato....Just leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you" she pushed him to the front door "No! I won't leave you alone because I know you'll continue to ignore me and you and I both know that you forget easily. When you give me the silent treatment you end up forgetting about me and it makes me feel like shit! Am I not good enough for you? Am I really that intolerable to you! Tell me...." Ayato covered his face with one hand to hide himself. (Name) stared at him for a bit and began to get awkward seeing him cry, it was unknown to her that he can cry she was so focused on his God complex and her worth to him she forgot he had his own feelings, his own problems and his big abandonment issues "... Ayato I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt like that. But...I do care for you and I am sorry that I forget you at times but please don't think that way. Where you are not good enough for me....And sure you are annoying at times but I tolerate you more than anyone in the world." She awkwardly rubbed his arm to calm him down and comfort him in a way "I don't know how to express myself around you...Like when we were friends it was fine but now you being my girlfriend it's hard, I don't want to treat you like a friend....I really like you but it's hard to show that-" he blurted out "Ayato calm down, I know...I know it's hard for you. But you shouldn't express so forcefully. You have to let them flow, if you're comfortable with a friend like vibe that's fine, I don't need you to be the "boyfriend" type just be my partner... It's hard for me to be a girlfriend ya know" she smiled at him taking his hand away as she finally wiped the tears away "Now come on give me that smirk of yours, let's get rid of tears" she smiled trying to get him back to his usual self. Ayato gave a nod and smiled back although it wavered a little "Look what you did pancake" Ayato chuckled as he raked his hair back as he tried to go back to his normal self "Yeah sorry about that" she hugged him which shocked him as he froze in his spot "You're hugging me?" He said in shocked "Shut up and don't ruin the moment you narcissist" (Name) laughed in a teasing tone. He returned the hug resting his chin on the top of her head.
Time passed them and there was no more ignoring and no fighting just laughter between one another. But soon the atmosphere grew serious and (Name) noticed. "(Name), why do you use a binder?" Ayato asked as (Name) gave a small smile "I feel more confident and it makes me happy to wear it, I don't draw attention to myself" she explained to him truthfully "... You're not trans are you?" He asked tilting his head "Trans? Where did you hear that? But no, I'm not well I don't know I'm just me, girl, boy other I don't care I'm just me, plain ol’ (Name)" she smiled at him "Oh...Uh I heard it around school and in the Internet..." Ayato shrugged a little "Wait other, so like agender?" He asked tilting his head at her "You seemed to have educated yourself greatly on these subjects, but I guess but I could care less on pronouns. You know what it's cute that you took so much time into knowing about this stuff" she laughed as he gave a big smile getting a complement by her. "Well if my partner is in that community then I'm going to support them as much as I can" he smiled brightly showing his fangs a little "Well that's nice to hear but I don't like talking about it too much or I'll just get really confused about myself but thanks" she patted his arm in thanks "You know I love you right...." Ayato muttered "I know and I feel the same way about you" she laughed "Wait say those three words then" Ayato smirked "Nah I'm good" she smirked back "Oh come on say them!" He held her in a head lock playfully "Never!" She laughed "Come on please" Ayato let's go of her and laughed with her "I love myself" she smirked "No say you love me" Ayato smirked as he began to tickle her "I love me!" She laughed as she was being tickled "You asked for it" he smirked as he saddled her. His back to her as he grabbed her legs and tickled her feet "Ah okay, okay I love you!" She yelled in defeat.
(Just so everyone knows I got really bored and just decided to write Ayato with an OC personality I might make one where it is more accurate to his personality. But for now enjoy this really OC based Ayato Sakamaki)
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elosnotebook · 7 years
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PENETRATORS SQUAD IMAGINE
Imagine being the first and only girl in the Penetrators Russ bus. Author’s note: Not requested. Also, not romantic. But if y'all like it, I can write a part two with some forbidden romance ;) so comment on this post if I should continue it.
Update: So the lovely Alyssa, aka @imyourliquor-youremypoison, rewrote my story, fixing the errors and making it less cringy to my beautiful readers. It’s the same story, but with beautiful words, I promise! Hahaha and go check Alyssa’s fics too, she has two about Chris and they’re incredible.
Part 2.
Masterlist ❁
-
 “How the hell did I get here?” I said to no one in particular.
I was sitting in the middle of the bus, while the boys were partying in the front and hooking up with some first grade girls on the back. William basically insisted for me to come, saying they couldn’t do it without me. Fucking babies.
Truth be told: being the only Penetrator girl was exhausting sometimes. All the girls thought it was the best thing ever, that I had all of them to myself whenever I wanted, that being around the hottest guys in school was heaven. But even though I would never trade them for any other Russcrew, they could be a pain in the ass when they wanted to. Boys were always friendlier to me than girls. I just couldn’t stand the whole drama that comes with a girl friends group. But being their only female member felt overwhelmed at times, and it didn’t matter how many times I begged them to accept another girl, they just didn’t find anyone who “amounted to me”. Not my words.
I stared at the ceiling, mentally retracing my steps from last night. One of the boys, Julian,got so drunk that he couldn’t drive home, and apparently, I was his emergency contact - which I only found out after the owner of the bar he was at called me saying that Julian had passed out on one of his tables. It was 4am but I still went to pick him up, drove him home, and stayed with him until I was certain he wasn't going to fall in an alcoholic coma.
I was about to close my eyes when one of the girls sat next to me. She was wearing a black hijab, and her eyeliner was so sharp that she could probably cut someone with a mere glance.
“So, is it always like this?” She asked, gesturing around.
“Hmm, I guess,” I said, very intrigued about the conversation. It was a little out of character for me to hesitate like this, but she took me aback. The girls that the boys brought to the parties usually didn’t to talk to me, most of them either hated me or wanted to be me, there was no in between.
“You are not what I expected,” she said, pursing her lips. I couldn’t help but laugh. How did people picture me?
“Yeah, surprise!” I said in mock-enthusiasm. “I'm not a lesbian or a transsexual,” I told her. Thosewere the rumors I heard since first grade, when I got in the Russ crew. Unfortunately, I somehow got used to hear this, being on a Russ bus where only boys were accepted came with certain downsides - but I have never considered being a lesbian or a transsexual as a bad thing, so it never actually bothered me. Moreover, proving them wrong was always fun, all I needed was a boy, and I could stifle the rumors for months. Too bad they come back after a while.
“No, actually I thought you were into partying as much as they were,” she explained, embarrassed by my previous answer.
I took a deep breath. She wasn’t being rude to me, so there was no reason to be a bitch to her.
“I’m sorry,” I said before she left. “I really like to party, I just had a rough night. Had to take care of one of them. Long story,” I added when she looked at me questioningly.
“So you are, like... the mom friend?”
I know she wasn’t trying to vex me or anything, but every time someone compared me to a mother, I felt a surge of indignation wash over me. This is fucking two thousand seventeen and a girl still can't be friends with boys without babysitting them?
“Sometimes,” I said slowly, trying to find the right words to explain my role in this mess. “I can be their anything really. Mom, little sister, big sister too. Sometimes I am their confident and sometimes they are mine. I'm also their inside man when they need confidentially data on girls.”
This earned me a squinted glare, like I just admitted spying for the enemy or something, so I clarified, “Don't worry, I haven't told them that 'periods' is actually a code name for turning into a werewolf once a month.”
It made her smile. “Basically, I am what they need me to be. Except when they need someone to fuck, then I am out.” We had only one rule: I never had sex with any of them. Apart from Will, whom I had sex with way before I became a Penetrator, I have never slept with any of them, and that was the main reason why we got along so well. They asked me to get in because I managed to play with all of them when I was in the first grade, without never letting them put their hands on me. I was their Pandora box.
Though frankly, it wasn't exactly that I didn’t want to sometimes, I thought, searching for Chris who was in the front with the others. It is just that the person I want never wanted me back.
The girl smiled to me, and I relaxed. She seemed to be a really nice girl, and it got me wondering if her friends were too.
“By the way, my name is Sana,” she said.
“Nice to meet you, Sana. I’m Y/N. What brings you to my humble bus?” I asked her jokingly, gesturing around to the not humble at all bus.
“Those girls,” she said, pointing to two blond girls and a brunette, partying with my boys. They were very pretty, each of them in a different way. “And also, that girl.” Her finger moved to point out a fourth girl with beautiful long strawberry blond hair, who was currently hooking up with Chris.
I met Chris and William when we were twelve. Of course, back then, they weren’t the fuckboys they were now. Whenever I think about the nerdy Chris that used to teach me math and physics, it's a huge shock for me. It seems like he was a totally different person. We were still ridiculously close though. But with William, things got a little bit tricky. I used to date Will when we were in middle school. We dated for almost two years, and I broke up with him before high school... Because I started have feelings for Christoffer. Sometimes I felt like a walking talking cliché but it wasn't like I could help it. Feelings were wold creatures. Of course, none of them knew this, and they probably will never. Will and I decided that our friendship was too important to let itgo, so we didn’t. Turns out we're much better at friendship than romance anyway.
While I was talking to Sana, and other girl who had recently joined us – she said she was called Noora – who, after a few minutes talking to her, I realized was William’s mysterious new girl. Anyone who paid a bit of attention to both of them could see it. Then, I noticed how the boys started to be agitated. I looked up, instinctively trying to find Chris and I saw he wasn’t hooking up with the other girl anymore. He was talking to William, his face showing nothing but anger.
Just when I was about to get up, the girl Chris was hooking up with sat on Noora’s lap. Sana told me her name was Eva, and I knew that she annoyed me, not because she was drunk, but because she had hooked up with Chris. It was terrible, right? So awfully unfair toward my own gender. After all, you had to be at least two to make out, I could be mad at Chris. But it was simply easier to target this stranger than Chris.
“Noora, listen!” Eva said, oblivious to the hustle around her. But Noora was looking directly at Will and Chris too. “Noora!” Eva turned her face so her friend would look at her. “I was hooking up with P-Chris and then his phone started to ring, and guess what? It was Isak! He left me in a hurry. Maybe he is gay, after all!” She said in a conniving tone.
I tried so hard to ignore the part she was saying Christoffer was gay to focus on the important part.
“Sorry?” I said, trying to get her attention, and I did. “Hi, hum, Eva, right?” She nodded. “You saidIsak called Chris? Are you sure?” I asked her, praying that she was too drunk and misunderstood the name.
“Yes, 100% sure,” she replied in a cheerful way. The bus stopped, and then all my fears materialized. I got up so fast that the girls around me jumped back. Chris had disappeared but Iquickly found William.
“You. Are. Not. Doing. It.” I said slowly, articulating each word so to make myself clear. I honestly couldn’t believe how stupid these boys could be, but the fact that they hid everything from me made it even worst.
“Y/N, relax,” he started saying, but I was so fucking mad I didn't let him finish.
“Relax my ass, William! How could you all not tell me you were planning another fight with the Yakuzas? Are you out of your mind?” I was pratically screaming, but the music was too loud, sothe only people hearing me were the boys around us.
“Y/N...” Theo started - he was the youngest one and the thought of him in a fight with the Yakuzas terrified me. They all knew how furious I was, as I could see them give me apologetic glances when I looked around, and there was also the fact they were all call me by my first name and not mynickname.
William pulled me away from the other boys and girls’ sight. “They beat up Chris, we can’t overlook this.”
I trembled from the memory of a hurt Chris in front of me, it's true that it was awful andwhen I first saw how badly he had been beaten, I was ready to go pick a fight with the Yakuzas myself. But right now, all I could think about was: who will I have to take care of today? How many of them will I have to patch up?
I stood there, in silence while William stared at me.
“Cap?” he called me by my nickname. Cap is short for Captain, and it is how they all called me. Expect when they had something serious to tell me or something to apologize for.
“Please, leave it alone,” I started to beg him, when someone came and hugged me from behind. I didn’t need to look to know it was Chris. With one arm around my waist he squeezed my side to let me know everything was going to be alright. I genuinely wanted to believe him and I didn't think he was lying, but he was just too optimistic.
“They beat up Jonas too. We can’t let them beat innocent people. We’ll teach them some good manners and then they’ll never hurt anyone the way they hurt me,” Chris said in my ear. That was when I realized the music had stopped. “-and you.”
I closed my eyes, trying so hard not to remember what happened that night I ran into the Yakuza gang.
I felt Chris’ phone vibrate. He stopped holding me to look at it and glanced at at William. He didn’t need to say anything, we all knew what he meant. It started now.
I began to follow them out of the bus, when Chris stopped. “One more thing, you are not coming.”
“Yeah sure, you can count on that,” I huffed, making it clear that there was no way I was going to let them do this without me. If anything serious happened, I needed to be there.
“Y/N, please. Stay here with the other girls.” I could hear the desperation in his voice. I saw Will talking to Noora, probably asking her the same thing. I wouldn’t stay in that bus even if someone paid me to do it.
“Fine, I will stay with them.” I lied just so he would stop trying to convince me to stay. He knew Iwas lying, but he didn’t know what to do about it. There was no time.
“Just... Be safe, for my fucking sake.”
This was a little more convincing that the whole “stay here, it's for your own good” speech. I gave him a quick kiss on his cheek. “Go get them tiger,” I said, sounding more confident than I actually felt.
And just like that, they all left the bus. I hold the girls a little bit more, just so they would stop asking questions and because I thought they deserved to know. While I was waiting, I thought I was going to throw up. Suddenly I felt someone grab my hand, and I turned my head to see Noora. She smiled at me, and I knew that she was as nervous as I was. I looked around to see all five girls staring at me in expectation, as if I they thought I was about to have a breakdown. They were trying to send me positive energy, even the two ones, Vilde and Chris, that I didn’t exchange a word with. I’ve never felt so grateful for being surrounded by girls until that moment. I counted the seconds and when one minutes had passed, I lost it and got up and to the door, following my friends outside.             
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spaceorphan18 · 7 years
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Finding Kurt Hummel: Props
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Masterpost
3x20: Props
I have such a love-hate relationship with this episode.  On the one hand, they did one of the best things the show ever did with the bodyswaping stuff.  On the other, we get twenty minutes of Rachel stalking Carmen Tibideaux and Tina bowing down at the alter that is Rachel.  And interestingly, this episode really cuts in half, as the first half actually has to do with getting ready for nationals, and the second half is solely about Rachel and Tina, and the Puck/Beiste story lines.  The nice part is that Kurt doesn’t have to do much with either of those plot lines, so I can skip a bunch of it.  Whoot!
Gender Identity
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So -- we open this episode with Sue dragging Kurt and Mercedes in her office to talk about Unique becoming the darling of the show choir world.  Sue believes it’s because a gimmicky boy dressing up as a girl thing, and blames Kurtcedes for the idea (even though it was hers).  I love the constant confusion on Mercedes’s face during this scene.  Kurt follows her a little more, and is a bit more annoyed by the whole thing.  
I’d like to take a second and say yay! for the return of Kurtcedes.  Not that they really do anything together in this scene, but I always like to point out that their friendship is far from over.  :) 
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Anyway, the crux of Sue’s big idea is that she wants Kurt to dress up like a girl.  And Kurt is just not having it.  
Kurt: Just because I’m gay does not mean I like to dress up as a woman.
And Kurt getting straight to the point.  As stated in Saturday Night Gleever -- there’s a difference between being gay and being transgender, or being transgender and liking to cross dress.  I think, also, leading to conversations about the difference between expression and identity.  It’s kind of cool that Glee is presented these ideas and having this narrative -- especially since this is before transgender became the forefront of public conversation. 
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Mercedes points out that Kurt dressed up as a woman for Halloween.  And hold on, let’s take a second and talk about this little bit of brilliance.  Remember when this came out, and there was a still, and we couldn’t figure out who was standing with Darren for a half second? Lol.  I love this little tidbit so much -- I’m sad we never really got a Halloween episode.  I’m sad we didn’t get more Klaine couples outfits.  I’m sad we didn’t get conversations Klaine had about their couples outfits.  Man...  
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But I digress.  Kurt’s argues that Halloween costume is just that -- and he’s not going to go on stage in a dress, because that’s not who he is, no matter how many kilts he owns ;) 
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As we get into Nationals discussion with the whole group, Sue still insists that Kurt will be featured -- in the Trouble Tones number (!!!) -- as he dresses up as a girl.  Kurt’s still not having it.  I also love that Blaine is totally WTF, Sue in this scene. 
There’s also a beat after this that just cracks me up -- where Sue says something offensive like -- you’ll do as you’re told he-she.  Kurt, omg, devil glare if I ever saw one.  But it’s Blaine’s reaction that’s priceless.  He’s like -- wait, what did you just say? Yeah, no, Kurt is not that. 
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As Sue calls Kurt a transsexual.  OMG, Sue, stop.  
Anyway -- we get into the ‘props’ part of the episode, and where this plot line recycles season 1 Hairography.  But, I will say, this entire scene has a lot of hilarious little beats in it, and totally worth watch in its entirety. 
Also -- we get into Tina ripping down Will, and then ripping down Rachel.  I’m so, so sorry we get a complete 180 of her by the end of the episode because this part is so brilliantly done, and so meta on a lot of levels, it’s unbelievable. But GAAAAHHHH the backtracking.  Don’t get me started!! (I’ve just noticed this episode was written and directed by Ian Brennan.  No wonder I want to throw things at it.) 
Body-Swapping
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Before we get into the brilliant body swapping stuff, we get this mini-Klaine scene, where Blaine is reiterating Kurt’s earlier point -- being gay does not mean automatic enjoyment of crossdressing, or identifying as another gender.  I’m kind of endeared by how indignant Blaine is on Kurt’s behalf.  If I had to guess, they’ve been talking about it all day, (week?).  
Also -- can we take a second and adore that Kurt and Blaine are sitting in massage chairs in the mall just hanging out.  I kind of wish we had gotten to see more of this daily life side of their relationship.  
Anyway -- so Tina comes along, and is rightfully pissed off at Mike for defending Rachel.  I mean, yeah, dude, have some pride in your girlfriend.  And the Tina slips into the water fountain and hits her head, and then we get the brilliant spot in the episode.  
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Yes -- that’s right -- Finn and Puck are now Kurt and Blaine.  America have you shit yourself yet, lol?  
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Alright, so let’s talk about this a second.  I know it’s Tina’s fantasy, but I think there are some interesting things going on here.  
First of all, Cory was fantastic as Kurt -- he goes for that high voice and that poised look, and while he’s a little too tall and gangling to pull it off, I love it, it’s awesome.  I’m not entirely sure what Mark Salling is doing with Blaine -- is it a William Shatner version of Blaine? Lol -- I think it lends itself more on the parody side of things, but I’m still entertained.  I’m a little sad Darren didn’t get to do much as Puck, sadly.  
Anyway -- it’s interesting here that they bring up the whole Dance With Somebody scandal.  Blaine’s still got issues and Kurt tries to comfort him, yet they’re kind of bickering about it (while being endearing as Finn-Kurt brushes dirt off Puck-Blaine’s shoulder).  I know this is Tina’s fantasy -- but it’d be interesting if there was some basis of reality there -- that it’s not all about Blaine the best and dutiful boyfriend, that all wasn’t patched up in Emma’s office.  There are little cracks there that are going to lead into season four’s break ups.  It’s kind of fascinating.  I’m just sorry that the show has to play it off in this way, as comedic, and in someone’s fantasy.  
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Let’s take a second and talk about Chris playing Finn.  And how utterly amazing it is.  He just nails the mannerisms and speech pattern.  OMG -- I love everything about this little moment.  It’s perfect.  
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I’m not a big fan of this song, but man, it’s worth watching over and over just to see how everyone portrays everyone else.  It’s so much fun.  And Kudos to Jane and Matt who really outdo themselves in flipping Will and Sue.  
So -- we get Finn-Kurt and Puck-Blaine looking all lovey at each other and, gasp, holding hands.  Now, I’ve done how many of these now?  Do you know how man times the real Kurt and Blaine have held hands during someone’s solo? Zero.  In fact, the one time it looks like they do more than look at each other, it was cut.  
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Aaannd, here’s where you can tell Glee is pushing to see how far they can go.  Don’t get me wrong, I love this moment, and giggle every time I see it, because it is a cute/funny moment.  But -- I think it’s a statement, too.  Because apparently the show can do m/m affection when it’s funny, just not when it’s serious.  And, yeah, that is frustrating.  And actually, I’d like to point out that Mercedes and Artie and Brittany and Santana are even more all over each other, and kiss at one point during this song.  So yes -- this is why I think the censors were all over gay affection in season three.  Because they got away with it here, and the show went out of its way to purposely make a joke out if it. 
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So yeah, after some plot related Tina-Rachelnes, we’re back to reality.  As fun as it was, I would not trade in the real Klaine. 
Props
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All I can think about is controlled danger.  That’s not a Kurt look.  That’s a Chris look.  Lol.  
This is also another little scene with a lot of hilarious little bits.  I’m so sad the second half of this episode is so awful, because the first half is amazing. 
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As Will relearns what he was taught in Hairography, Sue insists, again, that Kurt dress up as a girl.  Man, this is getting old, tbh.  But I’m assuming it’s set up for Puck coming in dressed as a woman? At least Kurt seems to have some kind of idea that doesn’t involve welding. 
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It actually involves more showchoir spying.  Man, this feels almost like a season 1 Kurt throwback, though I suppose season 2 is when Kurt first started his showchoir spying. Lol.  At least he seems to be better in his second attempt. 
Kurt’s stolen them some footage of Vocal Adrenaline rehearsing.  I love that Kurt’s redone the footage in black and white because he worships The Artist.  Also -- they do the human centipede that looks suspiciously like a specific sex move, and something Blaine claims looks ‘not that hard’.  Fantastic.  
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Man, how many eye rolls can Kurt give to Sue in this episode.  Anyway, this is the scene where Puck comes in dressed up as a girl -- because a real man can wear a dress, or some such nonsense.  I kind of wish we saw Kurt’s reaction to the whole thing, but we don’t.  
And this is smack dab in the middle of the episode.  After this, it all goes down hill as we get Rachel brainwashing Tina, and continuation of the Puck/Beiste story.  This episode is so weirdly paced, because it was going so well in the first half, and this second half is just -- not great.  The Puck/Beiste stuff works more so, but was barely set up in the first half of the episode.  It’s so weird.  
The nice thing is that I get to skip all of it, because Kurt (and everyone who is not Rachel, Tina, Puck, and Beiste) is not involved. 
Flashdance to Nationals
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And now we’re at the end of the episode -- where Kurt’s listening to Sam’s impressions as Rachel spouts off about their different personality aspects are what makes them unique, ya de da.  I’m a little preoccupied with Kurt’s hoodie.  I think this it’s the most casual thing we’ve seen him wear up to this point, and I’m slightly fascinated by it.  
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Rachel and Tina flashdacne their way onto the bus to nationals.  Kurt doesn’t turn around at any point, but I can recognize that shimmy dance anywhere, lol.  Alright guys -- we’re almost at the end of season 3! 
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