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#she was jerking him off when I went to throw out my dogs poop bag
littlecrookedheart · 5 years
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Anything Goes
Pairing : Tom x Clove ft the It Lives Beneath Squad & Andy Kang
Rating : Fluff! M for some suggestive themes and language
Word Count : 2,695
Author’s Note : Fluff for everyone! I treated the thirst squad early this week. Let's hope for a not horrible chapter today! Thank you to @brightpinkpeppercorn for the phrase, "Frosty the snow Tom."
Disclaimer : I do not own these characters. I’ve added a bit of a flare to them for the sake of this piece, but they do not belong to me.
Warm. Safe. Loving.
Clove felt the pull of morning through the curtains, light spilling across her face, seeming to gently ease her awake. Without opening her eyes, she felt next to her, Tom's usual sleeping form in its position, the quiet puffs of his light snoring indicating that the morning light didn't have quite the same effect on him.
She leaned over, resting her head on his chest, turning her head upward to bless her eyes with his face - the first thing she sees today.
“Handsome,” she whispered, pressing tiny kisses along his jaw and cheeks, running her hands through his loose locks.
Tom stirred and opened his eyes, his expression becoming a drowsy smile.
“Morning, beauty.”
“Morning,” she said, meeting his lips with a kiss, gentle and sweet, pulling the blankets over them entirely.
“Whatcha doing?”
“Savoring a few cozy moments with my guy. Is that okay?”
Tom's hands found her back, pulling her close to him.
“More than okay.”
“Sleepy Tom, you drive me wild.”
“Sleepy Clove...not so bad yourself.”
“No, don't fall back asleep. We’re supposed to meet everyone.”
“I'm not.”
“Tell me a coherent sentence and I'll believe that.”
He sighed, pushing the covers off.
“I got up last night to pee and I saw that it was snowing.”
“What? Like, actually?”
“They were warning us about significant accumulation.”
“Yeah but...I'm a skeptic.”
“Go look,” he said, nodding toward the bedroom window.
Clove jumped up, sliding across the floors like a child on Christmas. Her eyes went wide as she turned to him, “Uh…”
“What?”
“Snow. Freaking. Day.”
She did a little dance before hopping back into bed, peppering his face with more kisses.
“Kiss me in the snow!”
“Okay, weirdo. Calm down.”
“I'm so happy to see snow. It's been awhile!”
“Mhm. Imagine how it'll be when,” he pulled her to him, using his free hand to showcase an idea blossoming in his mind, “We’re in our own house and we wake up, our bay window looking out over fresh snow.”
“Well have a bay window?”
“Right there,” he moved his hand to show a space in front of the bed. “We’ll have coffee and breakfast and make snow angels in the yard.”
“You trying to make me all emotional first thing in the morning?”
“Maybe. I'm just ready, love. Ready for all of that good stuff.”
“Me too. In the meantime,” she pressed her nose to his, “Gonna enjoy all of this good stuff.”
“Tell me what you like most about snow.”
“Magic. I don't know what it is, but it's always got some hidden magic.”
“I think you might be right.”
“Of course I am.”
“Mm,” he groaned as she sat up, “Don't go.”
She turned her phone over in her hand, checking text messages from Imogen.
“No brunch today! Imogen sent a park location to the group chat. She says there's a field where the kids don't go because they go to a big hill."
“Yeah, I know the hill.”
“Of course you do, you're a big kid.”
“It's way too crowded.”
“Ugh. I was going to suggest we go later after group hangs-”
“Oh, I know what you were going to suggest. Big kid.”
Clove wiggled her butt at him, digging through her bag for an outfit.
“Get up! Let's go be twenty somethings and play in the snow with our other adult friends.”
-
Just ahead of the park, Clove and Tom spotted Imogen and Danni chatting over a split in half donut.
“Hey!”
“Clove! Good morning. Hi, Tom!”
“Hiya!”
“We don't know where Parker is. He's usually the first one to show up anywhere.”
“Did anyone call?” Clove asked, turning to see Tom's expression, which was beaming in a different direction.
“Oh. My. God.” He stuttered, nearly doubling over in smiles, “Andy Kang. What the hell are you doing here?”
“I was in the area!”
“Andy!” Clove wrapped him in an embrace, “It's so good to see you. You look so happy!”
“So do you guys!”
Parker strolled up from behind him, nodding to everyone.
“Don't,” Andy leaned in and whispered to Tom, “I'll fill you in later.”
Tom nodded, seeming to clear his expression entirely.
“What exactly are we doing at this park?” Parker asked, pulling his jacket closer to him to shield from the wind.
“Snow shenanigans!” Imogen took Clove and Danni's hands, running ahead.
“Snow shenanigans it is.” Andy jogged forward, beckoning for them to join him, “Come on, slow pokes.”
-
“How are we doing this?”
“Snowballs.”
“Obviously, Tom. I mean teams.”
“Okay, Danni. I don't want to be on your team because you're too cranky.”
“Fine. Take Parker, I want Imogen and Clove.”
“Clove is not up for grabs, her wrist is still weird from flag football.”
“It is not! I'm just a chicken because it's only been better for a little bit. I'm the referee!” Clove called, twirling under a tree branch that released snow as it swayed. “Snow magic, guys!”
Tom's eyes sparkled as his smile lit up, watching her in awe as her curls swayed in the wind, arms outstretched, her lips and cheeks rosy from the cold.
“Imogen?”
“Imogen's not playing sports,” she said, joining Clove on the sidelines, taking her hands and spinning in circles.
“Okay. So it's Tom and Parker and me and Andy.”
“Sounds good! Ten minutes for prep?”
“Ten?” Andy shook his head, “Five.”
“Fifteen,” Danni said, “Gen and I are gonna grab some cocoa. There's a stand across the road.”
“Fine! So much prep time.” Andy stomped away, Parker right behind him.
Tom walked over to Clove, making puppy dog eyes.
“You want help?”
“Yes please.”
The two of them got to work quickly crafting palm sized snowballs, moving much faster than the others.
“That wrist thing isn't holding you back!”
“I told you, it's better now. I just don't want to run around and risk it just yet.”
“We have enough anyway. They're making huge ones but they won't last.”
He took her hands and stood up, shivering as the wind hit them from behind.
“I'm freezing! Feel my hands,” Tom placed one hand on her cheek, taking one of hers in the other, “I've got cold hands like you.”
“You do! Thankfully I know how to help you out.”
“Oh? Wha-”
Clove took them and slid them under her pants, feeling a chill through her body as he squeezed her booty with both hands, pulling her close to him.
“Better?”
“Clove, I don't know why you're like this,” he locked his eyes with hers, his breath forming clouds as he took his voice to a low whisper, “But god, I love you.”
She laughed, sweet and quiet, tossing one arm behind his neck as she combed the other through his hair and leaned in, meeting his lips with the warmth and fervor only her kisses could supply.
“You wearing shorts under this?”
“It's freezing!”
“I wasn't criticizing, just asking. You do know that literally any one of them can look over here and see me touchin’ your booty, right?”
“Fine, ruin all of my fun.”
“You know what, love? This might just be my snow magic.”
“Mine ended when you were mean to me about wearing shorts under my jeans.”
Tom rolled his eyes and chuckled, elbowing her playfully.
Clove lost her balance and toppled into the pile of snow, her eyes wide as if she’d just been forcefully shoved. Dramatically, she flopped back into the blanket of snow next to her and screeched.
“Whoa!” Andy called from across the lawn, sprinting over and immediately kneeling next to her.
“You okay? What happened?”
“Nothi-” Tom began, quickly being cut off.
“I've been…” She clutched her chest, “We’ve been betrayed.”
Andy jolted his head to peer at Tom, pretending to speak into a spyware piece on his watch, “Command? This is Andy. No, Andy Kang. Yeah, Kang. We’ve been compromised.”
Parker jogged over, ducking behind the remnants of the igloo, “Did I hear we’ve been compromised?”
“What?” Tom blurted, “Parker, you're on my team.”
“I don't know you.”
“He doesn't know you,” Andy insisted, “We don't know you.”
“Then how did I betray you?”
“You're admitting that you're the one who murdered our princess?”
“She's not dead!”
“She's dead,” Andy insisted, looking to Clove, who slammed her eyes shut and stuck her tongue out.
“She's definitely dead.”
Tom shook his head, stifling laughter, “Fine. Yes. I am the killer. But even in this three against one battle-”
“Two against one,” Parker exclaimed, folding his arms.
“Yeah, two against one. You killed the princess.”
“In this two against one battle, I will reign victorious.”
Tom filled his arms with the snowballs he and Clove rolled, running to take station behind a nearby tree.
“This is gonna be easy,” Andy smiled, “He's a weak target.”
“He is not,” Clove whispered, “He's way stronger than he looks.”
“Trust me, Clove. I've snow battled this guy before, every year since we were kids. And know who wins? Me. Ever heard of the Westchester Snow Games?”
“No?”
“Yeah exactly, because Tom loses every year.”
“Fair enough. Do I have to lay here the whole time?”
“Hell yeah, Clove! You chose this for yourself.”
“Hey! What's taking so long? Picking your wedgies?” Tom called from behind the tree, throwing a snowball that whacked into Parker's shoulder.
“You're a grown man and you're making wedgie jokes?”
Everyone turned to see Imogen and Danni returning from their cocoa run, a look of amusement on Danni's face. “Really, Clove? You’re with this guy? Does he laugh at poop jokes too.”
“Depends, mostly if it's about constipation.”
“Clove!”
“What? It's true!”
“Okay!” Andy shouted, one hand whisking a cocoa from Imogen, taking a gulp before wincing, “I just burned my tongue. Anyway! We gotta set some rules. Who is on Tom's team?”
Nobody moved or spoke, eyes darting around the field.
“Alright,” Andy laughed, “Tom against everyone.”
“Oh, come on!” Tom threw his arms in the air, huffing, “I'm gonna remember this next time one of you jerks call me with computer problems.”
“Suck it up, Tomoichi. Why is Clove laying in the snow?” Danni asked, finding a space on an empty bench to set the remaining cups of cocoa.
“Tom killed her. She's the princess.”
“He killed the princess?!” Imogen yelled, clutching her chest, “TAKE HIM DOWN!”
“Wait!” Andy held his arm out to halt movement, “We need a safe word!”
“Clove, didn't you tell me you and Tom have a safe word?” Imogen asked.
“Yeah, it's, ‘Mario.’” Tom murmured nonchalantly.
“Tom!”
“What? It's true.”
“This is great and all but right now I'm having too many weird visuals of my best friend needing a safe word for...surprising sexcapades...and not enough victory calls!” Andy shook his head, “The safe word is, ‘Frosty.’”
Parker snorted, his hand covering his mouth as he stifled a laugh.
“Are you laughing at that stupid joke?” Danni teased, punching Parker in the arm.
“It's just too good.”
Andy shot Parker a wink, turning back around to yell, “TAKE HIM DOWN!"
All at once, Tom sprinted behind the tree, hurdling snowballs at the others as they struggled to ball more fast enough.
Andy and Parker worked as a team, filling Parker's linked arms with snow. Parker sprinted over, dumping the trough of snow down Tom's back, running away too quickly for him to have any kind of payback.
“Foul! I call foul!”
“What?!” Andy called over, refilling Parker's arms.
“Parker can not cross my territory to sabotage me!”
“You didn't care too much about sabotage when you killed the princess!” Imogen cackled, tossing a snowball right at Tom, who dove out of the way in perfect timing.
“So anything goes, then?”
“Basically!”
Tom hid behind the tree, hands on his knees as he caught his breath and scanned his mind for ideas. He peeked around, seeing the others mercilessly building fire power, and caught Clove's eye from the sidelines.
He smiled and waved, shrugging it off when she mouthed, “Sorry.”
He cupped his hands around his mouth and responded wordlessly, mouthing back, “Anything goes!”
Clove furrowed her brow before a wide grin spread across her lips, beginning to gather the snow all around her, forming it into the base of a snowman.
Yes! Tom thought, counting to thirty before jumping out, pummeling snowballs at Parker and Andy as they shielded the girls from the crossfire.
The field filled with laughter and shrieks, the sound of crushing snow beneath their boots and against their coats hung in the air like a song.
After running out of snowballs, Tom fell to his knees in dramatized defeat, crying out, “FROSTY!”
Andy and the others hopped over, shaking handfuls of snow over Tom, covering him completely.
With all four of them close together, Clove lifted the massive snowman base she’d been crafting and stood behind them.
Tom started to chuckle, catching the others off guard.
“Oh, Andy.”
“What's that look for, Tom?”
“You dug your own grave.”
Clove wound her arms back and tossed the ball, snow hitting three backs and exploding as Tom screamed, “ANYTHING GOES, FUCKERS!”
Andy, Parker, and Imogen lay in the snow, giggling profusely, trying to catch their breaths as Danni retreated to her hot chocolate, her laughs causing more steam in the air than the cocoa itself.
“Crown me!” Tom ordered, kicking Andy playfully in the side, “And one for my snow queen.”
Andy got to his feet, still chuckling as he shook his head.
“I hereby crown you winner of the Pine Springs Snow Games,” he turned to Clove, “Clove, not Tom because he lost and she's the one with the sneak attack!”
“I am honored!”
“All hail the snow queen!”
“Long may she reign!” Danni giggled, wrapping Clove in a hug.
Imogen rushed over and wedged her arms within theirs, a soft smile and an, “I love you guys,” as a reminder of how happy the moment had been, screaming and red faces included.
Clove broke away, kissing each of their cheeks before making her way over to Tom.
“Hey!”
“Hey,” he grinned, straightening his glasses.
“Good thinking out there.”
“Nothing but the best regeneration spell for my love,” he smiled, lifting her into the air, “Such a strong queen, too. I was shocked.”
“Guess I forgot to mention that I pump iron in my spare time.”
“...There's a joke in there that I'm gonna look past.”
“You'd better, Frosty the snow Tom.”
He blushed as he set her down, shaking his clothes of the remaining flurries.
“Your wrist lifted that massive thing, did it hurt at all?”
“Nope. Know what that means? I can clobber you tomorrow.”
“Oh no, I am not having a repeat of this. Always a jester, never a king.”
“For what it's worth, you'll always be my snow king.”
Clove stood on her toes, her frozen fingers warming on the surface of his cheeks, their lips entangling in a loving kiss.
She stuffed his hands into his coat pocket, shivering heavily as she warmed them with his.
They watched as Andy and Parker started to walk toward the bench, arm in arm.
“What's up with those two?” Clove asked, “Andy said anything?”
Just then, Parker unlinked their arms, lacing his fingers with Andy's.
“About that much,” Tom sighed.
“Parker looks at him like he's the world.”
“That...sounds familiar. Why the hell does it make so much sense?”
“Why do we? Why does anyone? When you know...you know.”
Clove's fingers walked down Tom's arm, taking his own fingers into hers.
“Let's go ask if they want pizza.”
“We had pizza yesterday.”
“I don't know why you say that like it's gonna stop me,” Clove shrugged, kissing Tom's cheek before running ahead.
He grinned as he followed behind, stopping just for a second at the faintest glimmer emitting from where Clove had been laying during the snow battle. He leaned over and chuckled at the numerous hearts she’d stamped into the snow, snapping a picture with his phone.
“What is it with magic on snow days?” He asked himself, and made his way over to his quirky, goofy, wacky, wonderful group of friends.
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homospinster · 7 years
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Bruiser.
The first time I saw you was the first time I visited the second apartment I’d live in during my time in New York. I wasn’t thrilled about moving, to be honest, and was totally unsure that I was making the right decision. My friends invited me over to check out the place and I remember not expecting to be signing the lease that night and wondering if I was making a mistake. I’d talked so much about going back home to Miami. There was one unknown factor in the move, someone I’d never met, Angel, who lived in the apartment with you, his cat, Bruce. (You were named after Bruce Campbell, I think.)
The day I moved in, I was unpacking in my room, listening to the Talking Heads. My mattress was leaned up against the wall, waiting to set up the bed my friends had in the basement for me. At some point I turned around and you’d climbed up to the top of it, where you sat looking at me. During the day you hung out on the windowsill and before my boxes were even unpacked that week, you were curling up on my bed.
During the first week I lived there, I went to IKEA one day with some friends from Miami. When I got home, I had trouble with the lock and noticed you sticking your paws out the mail slot. As soon as the door opened, you shot out like a flash. My first week there and I’d already let the cat out. I chased you around & eventually got you back inside. It would not be the first time I had to hunt for you in the yard.
Soon after I moved in, you’d found different places to hang out in my room. The guy who lived there before didn’t let you in, I think. I’d be sitting around, watching a movie & hear you scratching at the door to be let in. Being a cat, there were tons of times when you’d come into the room and two minutes (seconds) later scratch to go out again. I was thrilled that you liked me. I always wanted a cat. When I was a kid, we had a cat named Frisky, but he didn’t stay with us for very long. He liked to scratch up my brother’s chest while he slept. One day I got home and Frisky was gone.
After a while, you’d sit on my lap for long times while I’d pet you & watched DVDs. Sometimes you’d curl up in my bed for hours. I would get up and go to the kitchen and come back to find that you’d stolen my chair. Sometimes I’d move you… sometimes I’d just sit on the floor and let you have it. Sometimes you’d be really playful, pouncing after my foot or my hand. That’s probably when I started calling you Bruiser, because you were such a feisty little… jerk, really.
At some point my friends wanted to get a dog. They talked to Angel, who agreed that maybe they’d give you away, as he was having to go on really tight finances. I literally said, with tears in my eyes, “But he’s my best friend in New York.” From that point on, I pretty much took responsibility for you. (They still got a dog. You kind of hated him.)
A couple of months later, you had your first asthma attack. I thought you were dying and was so freaked out. You spent a couple of days at the clinic, in an oxygen tank. They all talked about how sweet you were and they gave you steroids & told you me you might need an inhaler if you didn’t improve. I’d have to get special cat litter as well. It came in two sizes: 15 or 30 pounds. I’d have to lug those giant bags of litter from the pet store to the subway all the way home. And so I gave you one of your nicknames, Asthma Cat.
You were with me during some of the worst times of my life. You were always there to cuddle with or comfort me, especially after my grandpa died. I got used to cleaning your litter box, my mom started sending you treats, my dad asked for pictures… I cleaned up your puke and told you that it must prove that I loved you because I wouldn’t do that for just anyone. When my mom came to visit, you slept at her feet and got up with her in the morning. I started referring to you more often as “my cat” instead of “my roommate’s cat.”
We had another scare when you had gotten outside and gotten into a fight with some other animal that bit you on the butt. Once again, I was scared of losing you. I never walked into a clinic with you thinking I’d be able to take you home because I’m a terrible pessimist, but also I thought that if I imagined the worst, it could never happen.
Roommates came & went, but you and Angel and I remained. Then there was a month when it was just the two of us. We had to move your litter & food into my room while the rest of the apartment was being remodeled for the last few weeks. It drove us both a little crazy, I think. I promised you it would get better again. When it was time to leave our beautiful place on Argyle Road and move to Jersey City, you went with me. I was nervous about moving you to a new place, somewhere you didn’t know. Without Angel to keep you company, I was worried you’d be lonely. The entire time my friend drove us to the new apartment in his van, you sat in the cat carrier and meowed nonstop.
You got used to the new apartment easier than I’d anticipated. You liked Natalie and she liked you. I had put your litter in my bathroom and laughed at the fact that at times we’d both be in there pooping in our respective toilets. You’d even go in while I showered, sitting on top of your box cover, waiting for me. I don’t know if you weren’t as happy there or if I was so miserable that I thought you must be, too. There weren’t trees to look at out the windows. There were no squirrels. You were alone more often.
My favorite thing about that place (one of very few things I didn’t hate about it, actually) was that my room wasn’t right off the living room, so for the first time, I could keep the bedroom door open so you could come and go whenever you wanted. I’d wake up to find you sleeping at my feet, or next to my head. When it got cold, you’d even get under the covers and curl up into that perfect cat circle.
You were there for me when my store closed and I was upset and unhappy about everything, mad at myself for not leaving New York when I had what had felt like my last chance. You were there for me when my dad passed away. You were always so patient when I’d pick you up and hug you for as long as you could stand me. I still feel bad about the near month that I took leave from work and went home and left you behind. Natalie took great care of you, but I missed you every day. You were the only reason I had to look forward to getting back. When I knew that I needed to move back to be with my family, I was apprehensive because I knew it would stress you out. Just driving for 30 minutes from Brooklyn to Jersey City had you screaming at me. How would I get you all the way to Miami?
I have never felt as lucky as I did when my cousin told me he’d help us move. He had just moved to Texas with 6 kittens. He knew how to do this. He had a cage. He had a system. I got worried when you stopped talking, though. As the boxes piled up in the apartment, I noticed that you had stopped meowing. I know there were a million times in the past when I’d asked you to keep it down, but I would have given anything to hear your voice again. The day we drove out of Jersey City, you scowled at me for a while. Then you curled up and slept. You ended up being a perfect traveler. I’d put you on your leash and let you walk around wherever we stopped. Everyone we visited on our way down to Florida loved you so much. Then we got here and you met my brother and it was instant adoration on both sides.
From the very first day in Miami, when you settled yourself into the windowsill looking out onto the grass, so much better than the non-view we had in Jersey City and exactly what I envisioned for you when I thought about moving, I was so happy. I was excited to take you on supervised visits to the patio, so you could bask in the sunlight and be outside for a bit. Yes, I was jealous that at night you curled up on the LA Dodgers throw on my brother’s bed and rarely stepped foot into my room, but I was also so happy that you two had found each other. You may have quit meowing, but you purred constantly, so loud that we’d all stop and listen.
I don’t want to talk about how quickly your health deteriorated and the visits to the clinic. What is important is that you knew, because we all told you every day, that we loved you. It’s the one thing that has made this a little easier on me, knowing that without a doubt you understood that you were absolutely adored. In the last few days I’ve ached just wanting to pick you up and hug you again, but my arms are empty and there’s a hole in my heart that is exactly the shape of a feisty little jerk curled up in a perfect cat circle. You are my bug. Love you, love you, love you.
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cosmosogler · 7 years
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today i did barely anything!!! i got up like five minutes earlier than i did yesterday. i was having dreams... i don’t remember what they were about this time. i woke up exhausted and droopy-eyed already. 
what even happened all day... i mostly stayed in my room. for lunch i had more hummus because i hate myself and the hummus was really spicy so i ate all of it. that’s a whole tub gone in the span of less than 24 hours.
after that i hung out with eve and the doog for a while. then mom and i went to the grocery store. mom had to yell at me about the potato salad though, because i said i tolerated feta cheese and she took that to mean i loved it or something and then got upset with me when i wasn’t too excited about the recipe when we were buying the vegetables and feta cheese. 
the pain had started before that though, when i was standing with the cart at the deli while mom looked at vegetables. it’s hard to describe. it was under my chest, but pretty deep in there. i was not happy at all. it made me want to stop breathing, even though it wasn’t my lungs or diaphragm in particular that hurt. it was below them. it felt like something heavy was sitting on my organs. i was nervous about making any displays of pain though because mom likes to either overreact because something is wrong with her baby!!! or tell me it’s all in my head and i’m overreacting.
yeah, i know.
so i hobbled around the aisles behind her and tried not to imagine actually eating any of the food on the shelves while still trying to make decisions about my meals for the next week. i thought i was gonna throw up. 
hummus... doesn’t make me sick. i don’t know what was happening. when we got home i forced myself upstairs and stayed in my room for a long time again. i couldn’t get comfortable though. the chair is rubbing against my legs all wrong and the carpet feels wrong on my feet and my feet aren’t sitting right and i keep fidgeting. that was happening a lot yesterday too, and last night. it took foreverrrr to fall asleep. 
i felt kinda bad about going out in public with the gross patch of damaged skin on my face. it’s like, a little bigger than a dime. i accidentally scraped it and it was like, screaming internally for a whole minute. i will try not to mess with it before i go to bed...
then i took eve and wiley for a walk!!! together!!!! that was a really bad idea. they really bring out the worst in each other. they both pulled as hard as they could the whole time because eve likes to be in front but her leash is a few inches shorter than wiley’s. and wiley likes to annoy eve so he made sure to stay out in front. and when one of them stopped to check out a bush, ONLY one of them stopped, so i’d get jerked forward when the other one took off. a little girl and her dad were at the park and wiley got a few pettings, but eve started barking and whining because the people were too close to her. and wiley doesn’t usually stop to poop in the evenings, but today he did! so we had to truck it all the way back to the park to throw away the bag and get a new one from the dispenser. eve was happy to go inside and lay down when we got back home, but we didn’t go far enough to tire wiley out.
i dunno. i told myself i’d take them both out today and take wiley out for a while, but when it came time to walk them i was just so tired and the muscles in my toes were really hurting me. that hasn’t gone away.
after i fed the dogs i was watching diogi trip her way around the table and i suggested to mom that we get her some booties for her back legs, to give her more traction. mom said that dad is taking her to mike tomorrow. since that response had nothing to do with what i said, i assume she meant that when diogi goes to the vet tomorrow, she might not come back.
i am really struggling emotionally with this. when i was sitting at the table after dinner dad said that randi was a lot like this too at the end. i said “yeah but randi was... dying.” she’d had cancer and was unable to walk the last few days... dad said “yeah exactly.” i said that diogi’s case was pretty different, since she seemed very alert. and also she eats everything i put in front of her. randi wouldn’t eat anything and when she drank water she threw it up.
when is the right time to euthanize your pet? is there even a right time? i mean yeah at some point they are in a lot of pain and they’re not going to get better, but diogi doesn’t seem too bothered by it right now. are you supposed to kill the dog before they are in too much pain? why doesn’t that extend to all of old age? why not quit while you’re ahead, before everything goes bad and you’re still happy? why be alive in the first place?
i don’t want my dogs to die... but i know that it will happen whether i accept it or not. and it will probably happen soon. it’s not something you can put off forever or until you’re ready to deal with it like making a phone call or emailing your grad schools about a change in your transcript. which i still haven’t done (ha ha). i keep hoping that “soon” will extend farther and farther out every day my dogs are still alive but they are both thirteen. that’s not how it works.
i feel bad about mourning them while they’re still alive... i think that no matter how ready i think i am for it, i will still shatter into a million pieces when it happens. and who am i going to go to for comfort. my mom treats them like furniture. my dad is Manly and therefore emotionally unavailable. my brother does his best to emulate dad. my gramma and grampa are going to say “that’s life.” 
i am probably going to outlive gramma and grampa too.
it destroyed me that i didn’t get to be with randi and jake when they died, not really. i was upstairs when randi died on the floor. i should have been with her. the last thing jake saw was some vet he didn’t know. i think by that point he was so far gone he didn’t know what he was looking at any more though.
crying too hard, eyes dried out, burns, going to take small break.
mmmm i made some plans with asher to hang out on tuesday. i also talked a little bit about how mother is a turbo asshole. i will try to remember to write about that more maybe later. 
oh. today before dinner i was talking to mom about something. i guess i was watching her cook dinner. diogi was trying to walk and fell down on the slick wood paneling. so she just laid down. eve walked over and laid down next to her. i said “aww, i wish i’d brought my phone.” mom said “why,” and i said “look at those two losers.” mom turned around and saw them laying side by side, leaning against each other, and said “i have my phone right here.” i said “yeah but is the clicker thing turned off?” and she said “yeah.” diogi hates cameras and bright lights. her old owner’s roommates used to shine flashlights in her eyes so she’s real skittish around anything that flashes. neither of them likes the “picture taken” click that the phone makes.
so mom pulled out the phone and very slowly stood there trying to get a picture. diogi noticed and sat up. i said “she’s probably not going to lay back down,” and mom said “just wait.” so i sat down by wiley, which encouraged both eve and doogles to get up and walk over. mom whipped out the camera and it both flashed AND clicked. diogi took off. i actually got mad for real.
“you said the clicker was off!” i said. mom shrugged. “at least i got a picture.” “that wasn’t the point,” i said. 
i found diogi trying to hide under dad’s side of the bed.
it’s kind of fascinating how little other living things matter to mother. 
ok, i will talk about mother a little bit since it’s not 1 yet and i gotta make sure i go to bed later than i want every night. 
mom acts like she thinks other people/animals don’t have feelings. if she does think they have feelings, she definitely doesn’t think those feelings are as real or as important as hers. 
and... there’s not really anything wrong with putting yourself first. but she’s so mean about it. she will only do something you ask as long as it’s something she already wanted to do. she will only keep your secrets for as long as she feels like. she will only listen to what you say until she wants to hurt you. then she takes what you said and throws it back at you. and anything can make her want to hurt you. it doesn’t even need to have anything to do with you.
sometimes (every time without fail) she asks me a question and while i’m in the process of answering, like actually talking, she will ask the same question in a different way. like, why do you ask me like you want an answer if you don’t actually want to hear what i have to say? 
there is nothing that i actually like about her. i can see that she’s good at some things, and useful for others, but... i don’t like those things about her either. am i a bad person for viewing my mother as a tool more than a person i want to interact with? does that mean i see other people like that too? am i capable of seeing other people as anything more than useful for whatever? can that really be considered friendship?
it’s so hard to not distance myself from people. they are obviously not machines that behave predictably and consistently. anyone could attack me at any time for any reason. that’s what mother does. that’s what my dad does. that’s what my sister does. that’s what craig did. that’s what all the kids at christian school did, and jim did, and and and
and what i did until basically college. violently and often without warning. i had no idea what was going on with my temper. i deserved everything that happened to me. it’s what i inflicted on other people. every time craig hurt me, i deserved it, because i would say things just to hurt other people too. that’s why i stayed with him for so long. it was my punishment for seeing the world the way mother sees the world, and treating the people in the world like mother would.
i had to be punished. it was fair. if i got away with what i did i would have felt bad about it forever. even though i still feel really bad about it. so, you know. i just can’t forgive myself for acting on my rage. for throwing temper tantrums and kicking and screaming well into grade school. for all the times i didn’t go to class because i wanted to stay outside. for all the times i wandered off from detention because the sun was hurting my eyes and sitting outdoors doing nothing in the middle of the day in august in phoenix arizona was boring and hard. for all the times i didn’t get up to use the bathroom because i had something more interesting to do until mom threatened me with diapers. no wonder she thinks i’m mentally challenged. for yelling at my friends and pouring water on them even during middle school. 
in christian school i got what i deserved. i didn’t deserve friends. i deserved all the times i got spat on and told on even when i didn’t do anything wrong, all the times i got pushed around and beat up and tied to the goalposts on the soccer field. i’m lucky i was physically disabled (mom didn’t think so though) or else i might have physically hurt someone.
i’m so miserable. i miss having a partner. don’t look at me. my face is bleeding.
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