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apollyonsdarksecrets · 6 months

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The Lead Up And The Follow Through

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five , Part Six, Part Seven

Summery: She’s reserved, emotionally cut off, and spiraling down a dark path; one she can’t get out of on her own. Aaron Hotchner may be her only help, but at what cost? When he shows up to her hotel room, contact in hand, she realizes it may be more than what she bargained for.

Warning: 18+ Only MDNI SMUT. Language, BDSM, Dom Aaron, emotionally detached reader, typical CM violence, childhood trauma, abusive father figure, age gap (reader 25 Aaron 40) doesn’t line up with a specific time line, use of Y/n because story is set in 3rd person for the first half then switches POV, last name for reader is Smith,

Specific Chapter Warnings: more sugar daddy Aaron, collaring (squeeeee) Aaron being a tease, reader getting dressed up, Haley and Jack mentioned, mentions of eating, alcohol, spanking, fingering (f receiving), orgasm ( f receiving) crying, after care, Let me know if I missed anything!

AN: There is a lot to unpack in this chapter obviously! The story will have about one to two more parts, I seriously can’t thank y’all enough for the support and love thrown my way, y’all make a girl cry 😭💜

4 Years Ago.

She stares down at the book in her hand, after hours of studying she can barely keep the words from swimming around the pages. It’s late, or rather early, her final tests in the afternoon and she’s cramming whatever she can in. Her anxiety peaking with each tick of the clock on the wall.

The last few years have all worked up to this point, graduating with her masters in child psychology and becoming an FBI agent. Years she has spent isolated yet focused on her one goal, her one chance to become more than what everyone thought she could be.

Y/n rubs at her eyes, taking a steadying breath as she leans back into the wooden chair.

‘I can do this, I can do this, I can-.’

A shrill noise interrupts her thoughts, her entire body jolting in a brief moment of fear as the telephone on the night stand continues to ring. Her eyebrows come together in confused annoyance, wondering who could be calling her at such a ridiculous hour. Stretching out of her chair she’s able to grab the receiver, barely registering the wobble of her chair as she settles back in.

“Hello?”

“Y/n?” A deep scratchy voice comes through, noises beyond the man’s voice making him a little muffled but utterly recognizable. Y/n feels her throat constrict, everything stopping around her, as her heart begins to pound. “Y/n, is dad. I need help. I’ve gotten myself in some trouble.”

She stairs ahead at the wall, unable to focus on whatever is being said as the blood rushes through her ears. Her hands begin to shake, the tremors going from light to violent in a matter of seconds as her father continues to ramble on.

“- I’m at the police station now, they aren’t letting me bail myself I just need you-.”

Y/n doesn’t remember standing, all she realizes is that she is slamming the receiver down with concerning force. Her chest rises and falls quickly, the room spinning around her as she stands rooted to her spot on the dingy hard wood floor of her cheap little apartment.

A million questions will bombard her later. How did he find her? Who tipped him off? When will he call again? But she can’t think of those things now, she can’t dwell on the unknown when the path of her future will be forged in just a few short hours.

Y/n forces her legs to move back to her desk, planting herself in her chair and picking up the book once more. The room doesn’t stop spinning.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Y/n taps her food against the polished floor, her lip worried between her teeth, her eyes darting to the door to the administrator’s office every few minutes. Not unlike the rest of the young adults in the hall along with her.

Some are playing it calmer than she is, then there are some who are practically in tears. A certain brunette is sitting across from Y/n with a wide smile plastered to her face.

“It’s okay, you know.” Melissa Pharway, the girl who peaked in high school and never grew out of her Queen-Bee phase, looks pointedly to Y/n, her shoulders back and her head held high. Y/n only glances her way, not bothering to entice Melissa on because she will do so herself. “Things like this are hard for people with your… background.”

Y/n’s jaw ticks, but she doesn’t respond. Only a few months into school had a rumor spread about where Y/n was from, then it had escalated into how Y/n was able to get into the schools, and things only got hectic from there.

She always thought things couldn’t get any worse after high school. Melissa has proven her wrong.

“It’s sweet, how hard you have tried, but as it’s been said before.” Melissa snorts at her own thoughts, crossing her long legs and leaning back against the cement brick wall. “Some people just aren’t mean to be here. And hey? If you fail? There’s always next year.”

“Y/n Smith?”

Y/n’s head jerks up, the admin, a very short round woman, stands by the door. Y/n stands, wiping her clammy hands down her pants legs before following the woman into her office. The name on the door reading, Suzan Mitchel.

Mrs. Mitchel takes a seat at her large desk, gesturing for Y/n to sit in one of the green wing backed chairs. Her office is decorated with nicknacks from the woman’s life, the walls a deep green and the hardwood floors stained nearly black. The room is honestly cozy, the walls lined with books, and photos.

“Now… You’ve had quite a go these past few years. Making near perfect scores in all of your classes, balancing training for the agency along with your doctoral degree in Psychology.”

Y/n nods her head, her hands clasped in her lap, her eyes trained on the stacks of papers in front of her. Mrs. Mitchel adjusts the glasses resting on her nose before grabbing the first paper on the stack, her steely eye glancing up at the young woman in front of her.

“I’m pleased say it has payed off. You have made valedictorian.”

Y/n’s jaw drops, the first real sense of accomplishment rushing over her. She feels her eyes sting, and she forces herself to take slow breaths to control her emotions.

Mrs. Mitches laughs lightly, passing Y/n’s tests to her with a large smile. “It’s okay to celebrate dear. You deserve it.”

Y/n give her a stoic smile, her lower lip wobbling ever so slightly. “Thank you, ma’am, but the hard work is only just beginning.”

She thanks Mrs. Mitchel as she leaves the office, a confidence in her walk that she has never felt before as she passes the still smug smiling girl from earlier. A moment of bravado steals through her as she slows to a stop, leaning close to Melissa making the girls face scrunch in confusion. “There’s always next year.”

Melissa’s face falls completely, watching as Y/n straightens and marches off, her shoulders thrown back and chin lifted.

*~*~*~*~*~*

3 and 1/2 years ago

Derek Morgan scrubs at his face, staring at the screen in front of him with evident frustration. “I don’t get it.” His voice suddenly so loud beside Y/n makes her eyes flick up, but she says nothing as she continues to scan through her reports. “Strauss wants us doing all of this paper work for what? We never did any of this before.”

Y/n smiles slightly, leaning back in her chair as Prentiss chimes in. “What? Turned off by a little typing? Not enough action for ya?”

Morgan gives you a halfhearted glare, locking his hands behind his head as he mimics Y/n’s relaxed posture. “Now you know damn well I am a man of words.”

“And such big game.” The moment the words slip free of Y/n’s lips her face flushes a dark shade, Morgan’s mouth falling open as Prentiss cackles, slapping her hand over her mouth to muffle the noise. “I’m… I’m sorry that-.”

Before she can say anything else her cellphone rings and Morgan shakes his finger at her sheepish face. “Saved by the bell, girl.”

Y/n flips open her phone without glancing at the screen, pressing it to her ear. “Smith.”

“Y/n, oh thank God.”

Her eyes widen, Morgan’s easy smile falling as they lock eyes. Y/n quickly looks away but it’s too late, the man across from her has noticed. “What’s wrong?”

“I know you’re there look… I need you to listen to me, you dad needs a little help.” Dread drops hard in her stomach like a ball of lead, sending acid up her throat. Her skin is suddenly white as if she’d seen a ghost and Prentiss comes around the desk a the worry etched on Morgan’s face.

“Help?” Y/n’s voice doesn’t sound right to her own ears, distance and hallow.

“I need money, girl. I’m going to lose the house, you’re making it big now. I know you are, you can help your father after all the years I’ve spent helping you.”

Rage. Y/n feels her blood boil, her heart hammering in different parts of her body. She lowers her phone, holding it tight between her hands before snapping it at the hinges. Prentiss jumps slightly at the sudden action, Morgan’s eyebrows shooting up in disbelief.

Y/n stands on surprisingly sturdy legs, dropping the remnants off her phone into the black waste basket beside her desk before rushing off, leaving her coworkers dumbfounded.

Present Day

You’re up well before Aaron calls you, folding your clothes into neat stacks, trying to decide what will fit into your go bag, and what you will have to carry in the bags from the store. The ringer goes off, a short simple melody playing repeatedly until you pick it up.

“Hello?”

“Good morning.” His voice sounds thick with sleep. “Would you like to go get some coffee with me?” The thought of caffeine after being up most of the night, bulling through what was left of your work, and going back to Aaron’s text more times than you would like to count; sounds like heaven to your tired body.

“Uh yeah, I could go for a pick me up.”

There’s shuffling on the other end. “Be there in 15.” The phone goes quiet with a soft beep and you glance at the stacks on your bed. Disrupting your organization, you quickly find a pair of black leggings and a long merlot colored sweater. You change from your night gown, throwing your hair into a messy bun right as his knuckles connect with your door. You snatch your phone and wallet from the table before shoving your sock clad feet into your boots and pulling the door open.

The sight of Aaron looking down at you as soon as you open the door is begging to feel too routine. You close your door firmly then square your shoulders with a deep breath as you turn to face him. “Morning.”

Aaron chuckles and reaches up, brushing a stray lock of hair behind your ear. “Sounds like your reporting to a firing squad.” You don’t want to say he is wrong.

“I just… I didn’t get a lot of sleep.” Aaron’s raised eyebrow makes you cringe inwardly, realizing you should have used another excuse that wasn’t breaking one of your new rules.

“Oh? And why is that?”

“Just… I’ve been doing a lot of work.” You turn away, fidgeting with your phone and Aaron gives you a small grunt of disapproval, your shoulders tightening. “I’m going to go ahead and assume that’s three?”

“You’re catching on.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

Despite the shine of the sun peaking through the clouds it’s still miserably frigid. You both pile into the car as quickly as possible, the first few minutes spent in shivering silence as you wait for the heat to kick in.

Aaron begins pulling out of the parking spot, navigating the parking deck onto the street, his hand resting on the center console close to your thigh. “What was it like where you grew up?” His question snaps your attention away from his long fingers and you scold yourself mentally, turning your gaze to the grey dashboard.

“Pretty quiet I suppose. I’m from a small town in Mississippi, so there were a lot of woods, creeks, things of that sort. My street was pretty sparse, house wise… could shout to your neighbor if you really needed them.” The memories that came along with thinking of your rule little farming town were a mixture of good and bad. Good things being the long days playing in creek beds catching frogs, hiking a little to far into the woods when the leaves changed colors; winter time wondering if snow would fall.

All sunshine before the storm.

Aaron hums beside you. “My home was very suburban. White House’s with white fences.” You look over, he’s smiling faintly and you can’t help studying the sharp angles of his face, the lines around his lips and the crows feet by his eyes. “My brother and I use to get into a lot of trouble, the big city just a half our away, always had our mother on edge.”

“That sounds nice, I guess where I live now is pretty much the low end version of that. There is a back yard for Bruce though, and that’s what really matters in the end.” You say with a shrug, watching the streetlights change. A wave of people cross in front of the car, some on their phones, some talking to others, but most of them with their heads down just trying to get where they are going.

“So you’ve had him since he was a puppy?” Aaron throws on his turn signal as the light changes, pulling onto a busy street.

“I found him when he was maybe two months old. There’s this park I use to go to back home, he came running out of the bushes at me, he looked awful and there was no way I was leaving him as the weather was starting to get cold. Took him straight to the vet and he’s been my boy ever since.”

Aaron glances over at you, catching your eye with a smile. “I’ve never owned any animals, unless you count Jack’s goldfish.”

The thought of SSA Aaron Hotchner leaning over a small fishbowl, shaking a container of food has you smiling. “Depends… have you taught him any tricks?”

Aaron laughs, the noise filling up the space pulling your own chuckle from you as he navigates the street, pulling over as a cozy little coffee shop comes into view.

Inside the air is warm and smells heavily of coffee beans and syrups, there’s a small line and behind the bar are workers hurting to and fro with smiles. The menu is above the register, the different selections printed in colorful chalk making both you and Aaron squint to read it.

“What are you thinking?” He asks, placing his hand on your lower back to usher you forward as the line dwindles. “And don’t just say black coffee.” Your glare is met with a sideways smile.

“Um… well something hot.” You can feel his thumb rubbing slow circles through your sweater, and you wonder if he realizes he’s doing it. “Caramel mocha, extra caramel.”

Aaron grins, pressing in closer to your side. “Sound sweet, like you.”

You scoff loudly looking up into his brown eyes. “Sweet like me? That’s like saying your a bag of sunshine and kittens, doesn’t fit does it?”

Aaron’s grin turns devilish, he dips his head to your ear, warm breath scattering across your cheek as he whispers. “Who said I was talking about your attitude?”

Blood pools in your cheeks, your eyes widening as Aaron straightens and nudges you to the counter. He graciously orders for the both of you, your tongue tied and thoughts boiling, but by the time you both sit at a small table all you can manage is; “That was low.”

“Low? Honey that was just me telling the truth.” He smirks at your glare, enjoying the stain on your skin and the way you squirm in your seat.

You fidget with your hands under the table, eyes dipping away. “That wasn’t supposed to happen…”

“The part where you slapped me or the part where we kissed?”

You gape, leaning across the table to whisper vehemently. “We didn’t kiss, you kissed me. And I didn’t slap you on purpose it was just… instinct. You startled me.”

Aaron scoffs light, his gaze flicking to the pick up counter as a young woman calls out another name. “Glad you didn’t have your gun then.” Before you can snap back Aaron’s name is being called and he’s leaving the table. Letting you stew in your anger as he grabs your drinks. When he returns you look up at him, simmering.

“You’re a jerk.”

“I’ve been called much worse, come on let’s go.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

“Why are we at a shoe store?” Your annoyance leaks into your words as Aaron leads you a few stores down from the coffee shop.

“You need shoes for your dress.” He murmurs, taking a sip of his coffee.

“I have some nice heels at home that would go great with the dress, I don’t need anything else.” You protest, spinning to face him. The street is pretty empty given its a Thursday morning, and you don’t have to fear someone over hearing any potentially scandalous comments.

“Those are at home, you need shoes for dinner tonight… unless you plan on wearing those?” He gives your warn in boots a pointed look, your eyebrows curling in confusion and annoyance.

“When did we agree to go to dinner?”

“When I bought you that dress.”

“That was never brought up!” You pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration.

Aaron snags your elbow, leading you towards the doors. “Well it has been now. We are eating at 7.”

Silently you are screaming every foul name you know at him as the doors close behind you both. A happy voice greats you making your head swivel in the direction of the counters. “Good morning! How can I help you?” A young man, possibly a few year older than you leans on the counter with a toothy grin, his dark skin glowing under the fluorescent lights.

Aaron squeezes your elbow, encouraging you to speak. “I’m looking for a pair of heels is all.” The man’s smile doesn’t waver in the slightest as he stands up straight, beckoning you with a long arm.

“Right this way ma’am.”

“You go ahead, I need to run next door and pick something up for tonight.” Aaron turns away from you and you spin around, your hand resting on your hip as you point your coffee at him.

“First you surprise me with a dinner date and now you’re being secretive?”

Aaron throws you a wink over his shoulder as he leaves the store, the mental image of you hurling your drink at the back of his head leaving your hands trembling.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The store clerk, Donavan, was more than happy to show you the different types of heels he had in stock. He was sweet and genuine, if a little too talkative. You’re sure he wins over every customer that comes in with his charming attitude.

By the time Aaron has made it back you’ve settled on a pair of black strapped heels, nothing too over the top and you can wear them with anything. Aaron meets you at the register, wallet in one hand and a small white bag in the other. Your eyebrows raise.

You thank Donavan again as you both leave, stepping back out into the cold. You can’t take your eyes off of the white plastic bag, your curiosity to enticed. “What is it?”

“Hmm?” Aaron replies, pretending not to notice your obvious stare.

Rolling your eyes you drop your empty cup into a trash can as you walk by, moving the shoe bag to your free hand as you gesture to him. “The bag. What is it?” Aaron ignores you as he fishes for the keys in his oversized coat, your annoyance flaring. “Aaron?”

“Curiosity killed the cat, you know?” The cars alarm beeps once as he unlocks it, walking around to pull your door open.

“Satisfaction brought it back.” You finish pointedly, climbing into the passenger seat. Aaron grins down at you before dropping the bag into your lap. He shuts the door and you wait tensely until he’s in the driver seat to open the gift.

Inside is a large red velvet box, the kind only used for jewelry. Tentatively your fingers trace over the lid before you glance up to Aaron, he’s leaning casually against the center consul, but something is swimming in those dark irises. “Go ahead.”

You stuck in a breath and flip the lid, only to have the air stolen from your lungs entirely. A beautiful silver necklace lays atop white fabric, a circular pendant in the center, encrusted with black gems. Looking closer you can see the chain is weaved with black as well. Your finger traces the cool mental in awe.

“Aaron… this is…”

“I hoped you would like it.” His voice is warm and thick as he watches you pluck the necklace from the box and lay it out in your hand.

“I do… I mean it’s so pretty…” You didn’t own jewelry, not that you didn’t find things pretty, it just was never a for thought with the line or work you did. “Thank you.” You go for the clasp and your eyebrows draw up, an even smaller circle is at the back, a hexagon pressed in it and you turn it over. “How do I unclasp it?”

Aaron reaches over, taking it from you gently along with the box. “You’re welcome, you unclasp it with… this” He pulls out a small tool, and your confusion only grows at the sight of the Allen Wrench. “When most Doms and Subs get into a relationship, or a contract, the sub will usually wear something that signifies that, along with other things. Some wear bracelets or anklets. Some have more prominent pieces like leather collars. This though, is plain enough that no one will question it, but still hold that same significance.”

Aaron unscrews the small bolt, laying it in his large palm, his eyes swirling with something that makes every never in your body fire all at once. “You’re… collaring me?” The disbelief in your voice doesn’t waver him for a second, he simply nods. Your face scrunches up, ready to reject the idea.

“Think of it this way. It will help remind you that I am here for you, you have someone to lean on, to trust in, to go to when you need it. It’s just as much for you as it is for me.”

Your heart pounds in your ears, your attention hyper focused on the delicate chain as he holds it up, the metal catching the sunlight. You don’t say anything in response, you know you’re supposed to be compliant, this is what you’ve agreed to after all; but you can’t stop the feeling of your mouth going dry and your hands beginning to shake.

“So… you want me to wear this all the time?” He nods again, watching you closely. “But I mean… it’s delicate, what if it breaks? And-and everyone knows that I don’t wear jewelry, what if they start asking questions?”

Aaron suddenly squeezes your hand gently, the anxious look on your face pulling at his heart. “You can always lie, say it came from somewhere different, and as this relationship grows we will find things that are more appropriate… but for now, it would make me very happy to see you wear it.”

You mule it over, wagging a silent war in your head as you stare up at him. Slowly you turn away, tilting your head down to make it easier. Aaron slips the chain around your neck, goosebumps rising along your flesh as he fiddles with the lock. A moment later the pendant rests against the base of your throat, a little heavier than you expected.

“Let me see.” When you turn back you fight the urge to shy away from his stare, his eyes molten and turning with lust as his gaze travels from the necklace to your face. “It suits you.” Aaron whispers.

“Yeah well… You have good taste is all.” You mumble, fiddling with the bag in your hands, unsure of what you do with yourself. Warm fingertips press into the sides of your jaw, turning your gaze back to his. Aarons even closer now, practically leaning across the console, the tilt of his lips challenging and dangerous.

“Gonna be my good girl tonight and wear it for me? Give me the chance to show you off.” The drawl of his voice makes your breath hitch, arousal suddenly racing down your spine to settle between your hips. Aaron watches the way your eyes suddenly dilate, the inky blackness expending over the pretty color of your irises. You’re unable to explain the affect of those two simple words as your thoughts slow, your head becoming a little heavier in his palm, but Aaron does. “What do you say?” He prompts with amusement.

“Yes… I mean, no… wait-.” You mentally kick yourself, squeezing your eyes shut to block out your distraction as your gather your scattered thoughts. Aaron chuckles and you wonder if your skin feels as hot under his fingertips as you think it does. “I’ll… I’ll wear it.”

Aaron’s smile only widens, pulling you in across those few mere inches that separate you, pressing a chaff kiss to your lips. “Good girl.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

The sun has started to set outside the windows when Aaron knocks on your door. You’re already standing on the other side, have been for minutes, trying to gain the nerve to actually go through with this. A part of you wants to run and hide under the covers, but you reach for the doorknob anyways.

Aaron glances up from his watch, his eyes widening as he takes you in. You’re radiant, decadent, beautiful, bewitching. Ever name he could possibly think off wouldn’t even come close. Your hair is swept up, a few strands framing your face and showing off the necklace, the only piece of jewelry you have on. The dress is more beautiful now than in the store, the sunset from behind you casting you in a golden glow as you look up at him from beneath long lashes.

“Breathtaking.” His voice is deep and warm as he extends his hand for you. He’s wearing a fitted black suit with a white shirt, classic but striking on him, his raven hair brushed back but the stands at his hairline have slipped forward.

“Thank you.” You place your hand in his, letting him pull you into the hall, where anyone and everyone can now see you. The butterfly’s in your stomach haven’t stopped since you got dressed, and they are only getting worse now that you will be seen in public. Apart of you knows that there isn’t a soul in Boston who knows what is going on, but every time you have stepped out of your hotel you feel as though everyone is privy to your dirty little secret.

“Let’s go eat.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

Like everywhere else Aaron has taken you the last few days, the restaurant he choose is upscale and beautiful. Deep red walls, with golden candelabras and sconces, white table clothes adorned with flickering candles and small vases of lovely flowers. The chairs are comfortable as Aaron helps you sit, your eyes roaming the room in amazement.

The restaurant isn’t crowded, having just opened its doors for the evening, but even then the tables are set far enough apart that there’s no fear of being over heard or disrupted. Aaron smiles as he watches the awe struck look on your face, your gaze fixated on the glass dome ceiling you’re seated under.

“This is… wow…” you laugh breathlessly, unable to find the right words to describe what you are seeing.

“It is… It’s one of my favorite restaurants, actually.” You finally pull your attention from the stars beginning to pepper the night sky, catching Aaron staring unabashedly.

You feel your skin heat under his gaze. “So you come here often then?”

“Any time I am in Boston.”

A man in a dashing suit suddenly appears at your side, a smile on his face and two large black menus in hand. “Good evening, sir and madam. Welcome to Deuxave, my name is James and I will be your server for this evening. May I get other of you started with a drink?”

Aaron gestures for you to go ahead. “Water, please, with lemon.” You smile up at the blond man who nods in return before turning to Aaron.

“I’ll have the same, and a bottle of Chardonnay, please.” James dips his head again, placing your menus down before swiftly turning on his heel. Aaron pauses for a moment, almost looking sheepish. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think to ask if you liked wine.”

You laugh lightly, a noice Aaron savors. “Well, luckily for you, I do enjoy a good white wine. Mainly, though, I stick with water and teas.”

He grins, the flames from the small candle casting shadows across his face, deepening the rugged look he already has. “Good to know.”

A short pause follows as you both regard each other, both of you looking like you are ready to ask a million different questions, and you’re the first to break the ice. “So… how many… relationships have you been in like… this?”

Aaron opens his menu and you follow suit, trying to force down the knot of nerves in your chest. “Three, but I was much younger, and they were already into the lifestyle I was.”

You nod thoughtfully. “Is that… Is that how you meet Haley?” You purposefully keep your gaze glued to the menu, staring at the words but not comprehending anything they say. The knot only growing heavier with your bold questioning.

“No, actually when I meet Haley I completely erased that part of my life. She wasn’t comfortable or understanding of it.”

“Oh.” You dare a glance his way, his expression impassive as he stares at his own menu. “That must of been difficult then. Just getting rid of that part of yourself.”

“It was, but that’s what you do for people.” That you love.

You chew on your lip, needing to change the subject. “What made you decide that you wanted back into it? And why me?”

Aaron licks his lips, contemplating, and your gaze follows the movement. “Because of you. When I saw you that morning on the plane, I only knew you from your file and background records, but watching you squirm and fidget seated between two men when you were so much more lively alone with JJ… something drove me to figure it out. The longer I got to know you, I began to realize you were struggling. You hardly showed emotion but fought to include yourself in the conversation because you feel you have to. Cases with children hit you hard because you’ve had some form of child hood trauma you aren’t willing to unpack, making your soul focus be the case and you neglect yourself. The darkrooms, the hesitation to request something from someone that could be seen as inconvenient-.”

“Okay, okay.” You breath, waving your hands before dropping them into your lap, picking at your already too short nails. “I get it… I didn’t realize I was so easy to read.”

“You aren’t but it’s my job to look for the inobvious. Once I did that it just started to fall into place, I wanted to help you and I could only think of one way how.”

The sincerity in his voice makes your stomach tumble but before you can reply James has returned with your drinks in hand. Once everything is situated on the table he pulls out a little note pad and pen. “Have we looked over the menu or do we need some more time?”

“Oh um…”

“May I?” Aaron asks, and you look up surprised before nodding. “We will have one Spiced Long Island Duck Breast and one Cast Iron New York Strip, medium rare please.”

“Excellent choices.” Once James takes the menus Aaron gives you a sheepish smile.

“I figured we could share.” Your own smile creeps up and you nod. “So… may I ask you some questions now that you have asked a few?”

You knew this was going to happen eventually, but no matter how much you thought you prepared yourself you still feel your heart drop. “Well, it’s only fair.”

“What makes you afraid of the dark?”

‘Oof, okay right to it.’

“Well… it’s not a fear so much now… it’s just very suffocating.” You answer evasively, watching as Aaron pours you both a glass. You swirl the golden liquid before taking a sip, the flavor bursting across your tongue.

“How long has it made you uncomfortable then?”

“Since I was a child.” You shrug a shoulder. “I don’t let it impede on my job though, that’s all that matters.”

“Deflecting isn’t the way to deal with things, Y/n.” He chastises gently. “I won’t judge you, you should know this.”

You stare at the liquor in your hand, watching the low lighting bounce through the glass with the small twists and turns of your wrist. You can feel heat crawling up your neck, as a sickening feeling tears at your stomach, setting you on edge as memories wash over you.

“I was… I was locked into a very small dark space when I was a child…” You don’t need to look at Aaron to know his eyebrows have creased, his eyes squinting in concern. “Ever since then I just found it to be-.”

“Suffocating.” He finishes, his voice soft yet deep, your eyes refusing to meet his intense stare, but you can feel it on your skin. Assessing, calculating, piecing together more about you than you would like.

Before either of you can speak again, James is back, carrying to steaming plates along with his chipper attitude. “I hope you enjoy.”

The next hour is spent talking about much milder topics, picking off of each others plates, sharing old stories and genuinely getting to know one another. You find yourself smiling easier, listening to him talk about his home, his son, his life before the BAU. You share stories of school, the couple down the street that are like your adoptive grandparents, and the books you are currently reading. It’s nice and slow and easy, something you never expected.

“Do you want to get any dessert?”

“Oh, if I take another bite I’ll pop.” You sigh, setting down your third empty glass of wine, feeling the alcohol in your system.

Aaron smiles, standing from his chair with a slight groan. “I’ll be right back, then.” You watch Aaron as he leaves, your eyes again dipping down to his ass and you have to giggle a little at the inappropriate thoughts filling your head.

“Here you are, miss.” James is suddenly beside you, laying the bill book on the table.

“Oh thank you so much. Everything has been wonderful.” You give the man your best smile and he grins back before ducking away. Your eyes go to the little book, your curiosity getting the better of you. Pulling it to you you flip it open and your stomach plummets. ‘$155’ not including tip.

You feel panicky, despite the reassurance of Aaron telling you money isn’t an issue, all you can think about is how much he has spent already. On you none the less. You want to show him you can contribute too.

Mind made up you reach for your wallet, unzipping it to look for your card when suddenly someone is clearing their throat, making you jump in your seat.

Aaron is looking down at you, eyebrows pinched and feature’s suddenly stormy and you really feel your stomach drop out, unease curling in your guts. “What excuse would you like to give me this time?” The rough edge of his voice drags along your skin and you feel suddenly very small sitting below him.

“I… I wanted to repay you for… the clothes and…” Your fingers flutter to your necklace absently at the disappointed look he gives you.

“Up. We’ll pay and then talk about this in private.”

*~*~*~*~*~*

Aaron doesn’t speak on the way back to the hotel, though his face and body are relaxed his hands are white-knuckles on the steering wheel. You fidget in the passenger seat, brushing away loose strands of hair, or plucking at the necklace the longer the silence stretches on. By the time he pulls into the parking deck you feel like your on the verge of a conniption, the fun bubbly feeling of the night dissipated into cramping dread.

He still walks around to your door to help you out after the car has been parked, but as you start to speak he holds up his hand, silencing you. Regret swims through your belly as he leads you inside and to the elevators. He presses the button for the sixth floor, two above your own, your eyebrows creasing.

Lacing his fingers through your own, he pulls you down the hall, stopping in front of a door reading 112. “Aaron?” He doesn’t give you a reply, fishing for his keycard then pulling you inside when the light flickers from red to green with a little beep. You quickly scan the room, the layout the exact same as your own, as Aaron leaves you by the door, shrugging out of his suit coat.

“Are we- are we going to talk?” You can’t tune out the nerves rattling your voice, he glances at you briefly over his shoulder as he undoes his tie, pulling it over his head.

“We are.” He finally faces you once again, his expression hard to read. “We’re going to talk about what will be the appropriate punishment for how you have acted, thus far.”

You didn’t think it was possible for your muscles to tense any further, your heart picking up speed as the thought of running passes through your head. “But… I’m new to this. Doesn’t that allot for some leeway?” Aaron cocks a dark eyebrow, maybe a little stunned, or annoyed, by your bold suggestion.

“Leeway? Darling, I don’t think you understand.” He stalks forward and your fight or flight kicks in, irrationally you move farther into the room, avoiding his advance, your eyes never leaving his. “If I don’t hold up my end, then who’s to say you won’t continue to just break the rules? Act out? You have to be reminded that what you do effects not only yourself but the others around you.”

“Okay, I understand that I messed up, I just… I wanted to return the favor, I’m not use to this.” You gesture in the air between the two of you as you continue to circle away from him as he advances. Aaron’s expression doesn’t change, only setting you more on edge, a cold sweat building under your clothes. “I’ll listen better, I promise.”

Aaron chuckles, a deep dark sound that chills your bones and yet sends a twisted thrill down your spine. “Oh baby girl, that’s not how this works.” He moves closer and you back up, jumping when your back brushes the curtains to the window. “Come here and we will talk.” He cocks a finger in your direction, beckoning you, and you feel the air in your body stand still at the gleam in his eye.

“J-just talk?” You take one tentatively trusting step forward and it’s all the opportunity he needs. Aaron leans forward, snagging your wrist and pulls you between his thighs as he sits on the edge of the bed, steadying you as you wobble in your heels.

“As much as I would like to disagree, you aren’t wrong, being new to all of this does grant you a little leeway.” Then suddenly your view is flipped entirely, you’re no longer staring down at chocolate brown eyes speaker with gold, and hard set features. Instead your hips are pressed into his large thigh, your face smushed against the comforter. “So I will go easy on you.”

That’s when your struggle commences, the adrenaline in your veins kicking you into gear as you plant your hands and push against the bed, desperate in your attempt to get up. But Aaron’s hand is suddenly planted against the back of your neck, his free leg thrown over yours, caging you in and you feel the wild thump of your heart rocket into over time.

“Aaron, let me up!”

“I plan to, but you’re going to listen to me first.” His other hand smooths over the curve of your ass, paralyzing you as the foreign feeling washes over your fraying nerves. “Good girl, just calm down and listen to me.” His honey dipped voice combined with the simple nickname makes your thighs squeeze, your thoughts scatter, and Aaron doesn’t miss a second of it.

“O-okay.”

Aaron stays quiet for a moment longer, watching his own hand brush up and down the swell of your ass, need unfurling in his belly. “You’ve broken a few of your rules, and then there’s the matter of you slapping me.”

“I really didn’t mean to…” You whisper meekly, staring at the curtains across from you, trying to shift your head where he has you pinned at.

“Yes but you never apologized either.”

“Oh.”

“So I think you will find this fair. We will keep it simple, your first punishment is that I will choose your clothing for the next week, starting tomorrow. Deal?” Your face burns, much like the area between your legs is starting to. You squirm against his thigh before nodding your understanding. “I need to hear your voice, little one.”

“Y-yes.”

He squeezes your thigh in approval, resuming the slow stroke. “That will cover all of the minor mistakes you have made. As for the slap, and you trying to pay for dinner… I’m going to spank you.”

Your panic explodes in your chest, your fight returning with a vengeance only to have Aaron’s grip tighten, his leg pressing down heavier. You knew Aaron was strong, had witnessed it many times, but this felt inhumane as you squirm and kick what little you can. “Don’t you dare-.”

“Your safe word is red. Say it at any point and everything stops.”

“W-what?” You don’t have time to process what he said before a sharp slap is delivered to your ass. You yelp, your hand finding his knee and crushing his pants leg in your fist as you jolt with the shock of it.

“Aaron!”

Two more are delivered in quick succession, pain growing quickly as your skin stings and burns through your dress. “I don’t make these rules passively, they are for your benefit and mine. What I say goes.” Three more follow his reprimand, and you twist your face into the bedspread, whining loudly as tears collect behind your eyelids.

“Q-quit!” You gasp as he lands a particularly painful spank to your right cheek, the burn of it traveling up your spine making you feel ditzy, then back down again to pool in your panties. “It hurts!”

“That’s the point, baby.” You shake against him, squirming relentlessly only causing his fingers to travel into the hairs at the base of your skull, twisting there and pulling your head up, immobilizing you. “Keep fighting me and I’ll double it, do you understand me?” Three more follow and you can’t help but to cry out, the noise bouncing off the walls and you wonder briefly if there’s anyone who can hear you through them.

His threat breaks through the frenzied mess in your head, your body going slack and he eases his grip on your hair, letting your head rest against the comforter. “Shh, good girl. You’re doing good baby.” The praise in his sultry tone makes a moan well up in your throat, and your helpless to stop it. Aaron grins, his hand trailing down to your thigh, slipping into the slit of your dress, pulling the material up to pool around your waist.

“N-no, wait…” Your protest is weak, but you don’t move to cover yourself from his steady gaze, embarrassment settling in your belly as his hand glides over your bare skin. Aaron groans softly, watching your leg twitch slightly as he brushes his hand again over your tender skin.

Aaron lands another forceful smack to the cup of your ass, and you squeal. You press your hand against your mouth, squeezing your eyes shut as the warm feeling in your stomach slowly grows into a blaze. “Let me hear you sweetheart, you only have a few more to go.”

You shake your head, defiant and unyielding, but only until his palm connects with your skin once more. Your hand does a poor job of muddling your shrill cry, pressure forming in your throat and behind your eyes as the first tear finds its way through your closed eyelids, trailing down your cheek. Your thoughts are pulled into a thousand different directions, the pain tugging them one way, while the throbbing of your clit sends them the other. Your arousal is slick against the inside of your thighs, and you squirm at the feeling.

“Easy baby, you’re taking your punishment so well.” Two more follow and you sob into your palm, the noise unmistakably in the otherwise quiet room. “I know baby, just one more and we’re done.” Aaron’s own palm stings, but his gaze is fixated on the shape of his hand print forming on your once creamy cheeks, with each shudder and twitch of your hips he can feel his cock hardening to the point it’s almost painful.

His promise though does little to quell you anticipation, your body tensing to the point it hurts, fingers having lost their feeling minutes ago from your iron like grip on his pants. Aaron drags it out, brushing his knuckles along the back of your thigh, his fingers scratching softly at your neck where his grip has loosened; your struggle having died to nothing.

The last smack is the most painful, his arm having been drawn back, putting more of his weight into it and you nearly scream, his hand landing more on your thigh. Tears rush down your cheeks, trailing dark streaks of mascara and eyeliner, your embarrassment consuming you like a fire, because as much as it hurts, your body is humming with need.

Aaron makes a sound that is more akee to a growl, his fingertips brushing the growing pool of arousal on the soft skin of your thighs. “Oh baby… you’re absolutely soaked.”

You shake your head aggressively in denial. “No… no it’s not what you think… I’m not-.” Aaron only shushes you, fingers slipping further between your shaking thighs, trailing over your damp panties right along your slit. You gasp, the soft sound followed by a deeper moan, as the pad of his middle finger circles your clit.

“I told you some people like this, baby.” His voice is octaves deeper, your hips bucking at the sound as he continues drawing slow, tight circles over your bundle of nerves. “And you really like this, don’t you?” His question is left unanswered as he add another finger, your jaw falling open with another needy moan.

Aaron’s movements are steady and precise, never faltering as his thumb scrapes down the edge of your thong, easily moving it to the side. The new view has his mouth salivating, your pussy glistening with arousal in the low light, and as he presses the solo digit against your puffy lips you moan louder. Your hips rock back subconsciously, your hands flexing where your anchored to; and all Aaron can think is that he will do anything to hear those pretty sounds for the rest of his life.

“Oh fuck… Aaron…” You gasp as his thumb dips in and out, the pace of his fingers speeding up. It’s shameful, sinful even how quickly you feel your body coming to its peak just from his expert fingers. Quicker than you’ve ever gotten yourself off and under the mushy part of your thoughts that are too far gone you wonder how he knows your body so well.

“That’s it, take what you need baby.” His cock twitches in his slacks, your hip rubbing across him with each twitch and jolt of your thighs as you rock yourself against his hand. He can feel the clench of your cunt more frequently, your orgasm right there. “I want to see you cum for me, you can do that can’t you? Cum for me, baby.”

You physically feel yourself topple over the edge, you body going still with a whimpering cry as your orgasm floods you like a tidal wave. Aaron’s praising you from above but you’re too far gone to recognize what he’s saying as his fingers haven’t stopped, making you ride out your orgasm for as long as possible.

It’s only when you start to plead with him, your voice wispy and tired, does he ease off. He gently moves your panties back into place, before he leans over you, tugging your shoes off and letting them land to the floor with a soft thud. “Do you think you you can stand up?”

Your brain hasn’t caught up yet, your thoughts empty from your head, but you let Aaron guide you to your feet, your knees wobbling and he holds you still for as long as you need. He rubs your hip with one hand, the other resting on your waist as he looks up at you. Your eyes are red and glassy, your makeup ruined, “let’s get you cleaned up.”

Aaron takes you into the small restroom, letting you lean against the doorframe as you watch him absently. He wets a rag and adds a little soap before gently wiping away your makeup, one hand holding your chin as he works. You don’t say anything, there’s nothing you can conjure up so you both sit in silence, the only sound is the small sniffles you give.

He throws the rag into the sink when he’s done, pulling you off the wall and turning you around. He unzips the back of your dress, laying a kiss to the exposed skin of your shoulder before he steps out of the restroom, returning moments later with a big white t-shirt. He hands it to you, stepping out again to let you change in private. Your body goes through all the motions but your mind is left far behind as Aaron guides you out of the bathroom and to the bed.

Gingerly you climb in, not realizing how exhausted you truly are until you settle against the cool pillows, your eyes falling shut with a heavy sigh. Soon the other side of the bed dips, a warm body pressing against your back and an arm wrapping around your waist, securing you against him.

*~*~*~*~*~*

I know this took absolutely forever please don’t crucify me 😂 thank you once again for all the love and support that has been shown for this series! Please if you’d like to be tagged you can comment below or message me directly 💜💜 much love and appreciation

Tag list: : @kneelforloki @hmett20 @axionn @ncis0mrs0gibbs @morgthemagpie @zaddyhotch @little-miss-cherry-cola @fandomawesomness @heart-breaker8 @aad1993 @obsessed-oops @supercriminalbean @lex13cm @rosiehale23 @emptybagofchips77 @icarusgloom @imr0nni3 @cashtons-wife @mojo366 @mrsgweasley @hotchners-wifey @lelevs @normaltuesdaynight @tgskitten @char-jlhewitt @shinebrightlikeafanbase @emobabeyy

#smut #apollyonsdarksecrets #criminal minds aaron hotchner #aaron hotch smut #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotchner smut #aaron hotch imagine #aaron hotch fanfiction #aaron hotch fic #aaron hotchner #aaron hotch hotchner #aaron hotchner x y/n #aaron hotchner x reader #criminal minds smut #criminal minds

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yannaryartside · 8 months

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WHIT SIDNEY, THERE IS NO OTHER SHOE

WHY DO THE BERZATTO SIBLINGS CHOOSE THEIR PARTNERS?

I will kick off this thesis with the belief that Sidney and Pete are Carmy's and Natalie's respective otps. They are destined, romantic partners. This seems to be what the show is pointing at.

I was reading "Sana tus heridas en pareja" by Anamar Oihuela, which explores the possibility of healing your inner child's wounds in a romantic relationship. I do not want to circle around why people select their romantic partners (that shit is quite complex), but the childhood wounds that we have that make us feel attracted to certain personalities or look for love in a certain way, with a particular shape. What are the Berzatto siblings really looking for, that will be healing for them?

THE WOUND

The Berzatto sibling grew up in a toxic environment, filled with the addition of their parents (drugs and gambling) and whatever strain those would create between the couple. The mother (the most present parent, apparently) was also emotionally immature. She would use insults and threats of harm or self-harm whenever she felt abandoned. Hence, the siblings grew up hypervigilant and afraid of upsetting her in any way . Most people seem to agree that Carmy has Complex PTSD, created during his early childhood but aggravated by his time as a chef. "I have to remind myself that the sky is not falling, not waiting for the other shoe (...) there is always another shoe." I am sure the CPTS can be applied to Nat as well. They never formed a secure attachment to their parents, which requires trust, the knowledge of the parent of the child's emotions, guiding them, and making them feel valued, loved, and secure. The kid can develop because he/she knows their needs will be met. That was impossible in such a dangerous (for a child) and unpredictable environment. Unpredictable and insecure are attributes I want to focus on.

WHY PETE?

I love this man, and the show seems to be putting a lot of effort into making him look, talk, and behave in the most opposite to anybody in the Berzatto family; he doesn't get along (or is approved) with anybody at the beginning, and Carmy only likes him after Pete stood up for Carmy's career. Sometimes, even Nat seems to think he may be too passive or compliant. Like in the finale, it kinda bothered me that he was trying to give her his admiration, support, and approval (which she never received from her family, including Carmy in some instances). She is too busy dreaming about her mother coming in and giving her all exactly what Peter is giving her. It's pretty poetic. She chooses to marry this man for a reason; she loves him for a reason, which is more evident when Pete is crying, and she actually pays attention to him, admiring his transparency and sensibility, again, things that she never could expect of a parental figure. She may sometimes think he is "too passive" or predictable and takes him for granted; because she grew up surrounded by loud men who acted confident even if they were shit, part of her subconscious might be attracted to that reckless behavior. Still, she finds sensibility more attractive in the end because it is too rare for her. She knows that relationships with men like his father and his brother Mickey end up with her feeling like the emotional regulator that she wanted to be for her mom. Ultimately, the keys to her heart are predictability and transparency because they form trust, a secure attachment. And it is funny because those are precisely the same keys to Carmy's heart, but he sees them in a different context.

WHY SIDNEY?

Added to the context of his childhood, the wound that Carmy seems to feel the most is, no surprise, created by his relationship with Mickey. As pointed out by some excellent analysis, Mickey is the father figure in Carmy's life, the closest thing to a secure attachment he could ever have. He describes Mickey in his AA monologue "I thought I was my brother's best friend." Mickey was the person he thought he could always rely on, the one he knew well, and Mickey knew him too. Even though he felt hurt by Mickey cutting him out, when he comes back for Christmas, you can see Carmy hold to the hope that whenever is the time, he could come back, and his brother will be waiting for him. And then, Mickey dies. Carmy didn't know he used drugs or was depressed, the perfect image of his strong, funny, almighty brother crumbling before him. The questions pop out: Why he didn't reach out to me? He didn't see me as a confidant? Why did he lie to me all those times? All that trust was based on a lie. It is not a surprise that Carmy didn't go to the funeral. It could have literally sent in on a shutdown. Later in the show, we hear Mickey's voice echoing in Carmy's mind, "I am right here" "I got you." That is what he thought his brother was: his ultimate support. But he wasn't, not at the end; Mickey lied about how he was feeling, hiding from him the aspect of his life that would eventually vanish Mickey from Carmy's life without warning.

Mickey's suicide was that shoe he was afraid of, the worst possible, the one that made him believe there is always another shoe.

What does this have to do with Sidney?: predictability and transparency. Sidney is the most transparent and constant person Carmy knows now, the one that he actually thinks he knows. When asked to do something, she gives her honest opinion of why she thinks ais a good or bad idea. She also organized, analytical, hopeful, and eager to serve others. She is the one that offers help when Mickey (it seems) didn't accept any form of it. She develops a detailed plan to save his brother's restaurant because anybody in their family is too dysfunctional to do so. A person with actual answers. But most of all, she is transparent, at least to a reasonable extent, usually only forced upon feeling frustrated. She asks him for open and honest communication. She communicates her needs, feelings, and expectations consistently, even when he doesn't want to listen. He gets frustrated because he is too wired but always realizes that she is leading him in the right direction. Christ, she even managed to express her feeling about Claire being in his life (and the impact it had on the restaurant and their partnership) and even gave him commitment advice without revealing that the root of it all was her feelings for him. With her, there is no other shoe because every single thing that has gone wrong between them is something that she previously has warned him about. Sidney always reaches out. She has made mistakes because she is green in season one. Still, in season two, when she has her shit together, Sidney keeps asking him to be his partner and communicating her needs, but Carmy fails anyway. Still, he can't say that she hid things from him that were important to their relationship like Mickey did.

I am not saying that if they get together, Sidney will be able to predict their problems because that's impossible. She has relationship issues, too (I am talking about that tattoo, damn, I can't wait for season 3), but so far, he knows she intends to tell him her needs; that's who she really is. I think he recognized that nature of her early on in season one and then developed a hyper-awareness of Sidney's demeanor, too afraid of losing his most solid connection, and this time, is not based on a lie. I think that when, in the future, he starts to feel her hiding things from him (possibly about her past), he going to be really mortified, like, "You got me, and I got you, so why are you not letting me know the things I need to know so I can get you" type of thing.

THE FIGHT THAT IS COMING

But this has a dark side. Carmy thinks she is solid and trustworthy and that whatever he asks of her, she will find a way to do, so he relies on her to have the space to deal with his mental turmoil. Carmy is not there for her when she solves problems or confronts the mobs in the front. He is dealing with the chaos in his mind and his family. I am not saying that is bad; teamwork is power. Still, like, dude, he had known her for 3 whole weeks and decided to go to an overdue AA meeting in "Brigade," leaving her to deal with the consequences of the job environment created by Mickey. In that whole speech, "I hold you to a higher standard", I know he meant that in the context of work because they both have been in that environment of strict efficiency, but the standard could also be personal, "I think you are solid and trustworthy so I need you to be" is probably what Carmy is thinking. Didn't somebody else notice this tendency to show Carmy taking breaks after he knows Sidney is handling shit?

In "Brigade," right after seeing her in control of the kitchen for the first time and hiring her, he goes to take a smoke break, and in "Sheridan," when she has set up this fantastic set for cooking and selling outside, he also goes to take a smoke break and give Marcus a pep talk, like seriously...they were saying something here. Trusting Sidney, because she has proven efficiency in every imaginable circumstance has given him (a break) a space to feel his feelings. You don't have that when you grow up in a toxic household. This is also the reason thinking of her calms his panic attacks. And the reason he gave himself a chance with Claire (lol, your trust in your future wife is the reason you can get a girlfriend).

Managing a business like this is difficult with a sound mind. It requires discipline and clarity. And Carmy has too much emotional baggage that was going to try to escape any other way. He looks for healthy spaces for it to do so but has yet to learn the core of his issues. He is applying medicine without closing the wound (THERAPHY). That's why he says, "I wouldn't even want to do it without you; you make me better at this." No joke, Sidney is his walking stick, emotionally and in the workplace, the whole reason he was able to go this far.

He praises her for her efforts, usually afterwards, when everything is calm. She likes that because she admires him (and has a crush on him). But damn, man, a million things could have gone wrong even in season one, and I wouldn't have blamed Sidney. And the dude exploded because she made a computer error in the to-goes? You had it coming. And then, season two happens. Carmy is a ghost in the restaurant, again, dealing with the chaos of his mind, emotions, and a fucking childhood crush. And what Sidney does? She handles it, she lets him wonder and solve his shit, and the restaurant is saved for her, with the help of everyone, the redemption of Richie, and the leadership of Nat. Carmy puts her in the second most powerful position, something she has never done before, without almost no support of guides, not about detecting good staff or creating a menu from scratch. She takes her motivation from Coach K and "adapts on a dime" because "she has to," in her own words. Again, that's her journey, being able to trust herself and believe in her potential. But what would happen when she cannot be his walking stick anymore? He already knows he failed, but what if Sidney has her own baggage to deal with in season 3, something she feels so ashamed of that she doesn't communicate with him? Would the need to be her support force him to look at his self-sabotage, so he can be someone predictable and transparent for her? Man, I LOVE THIS SHOW. That was a long one. Thank you for reading.

#sydcarmy #jeremy allen white #ayo edebiri #the bear fx #carmy the bear #carmy berzatto #natalie berzatto #my otp #michael berzatto #there is no other shoe

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bitchesgate3 · 4 months

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I'm pretty intrigued by the dynamic between Ketheric and Isobel because it reminds me so much of what I experienced being emotionally enmeshed with one of my parents for my entire childhood.

I think most people understand the weight of being parentified when a child must get a job to help contribute money to the family. But I don't think very many people understand what it's like growing up with a parent who over-relies on family members to be emotionally stable - and eventually having to take on the role as the go-to person to be that stability.

Of feeling suffocated by such an overly needy parent - who controls via their emotional needs and griefs - that makes you act in certain ways because surely you don't want to be the death of your parent.

I'm right at the end of Act 2, so the game may say otherwise, but I wonder how Isobel feels about everything happening.

"Your father loved you so much that he brought you back from the dead," sounds so kindly at first. But the sinister truth beyond the obsession is living knowing the fact that the only thing keeping the man alive is you. Once your mother's godforsaken task - now yours.

The game may play up that she resents this, but in my experience there is a love/hate growing up under this dynamic with a parent. You resent this parent for a reason you can't quite put your finger on as a kid, but its the resentment of being made to emotionally soothe them when they never soothe you: which was supposed to be their job. You, as the child, rely on them for survival. You have to look like everything is ok because your parent being upset is so catastrophic (that they will be too dysfunctional to meet your survival needs) that your own needs feel less important.

But on the flip side, you do become parentified in a role reversal. You can't help but love your parent and want the best for them. The emotional abuse is so subtle and imperceptible, that it just makes sense that you would never assert a boundary with your parent because of how much it would throw them into a depression. Being rejected by the one person who loves them.

I wonder how upset Isobel was when Ketheric began drifting from Selune to Shar. How, like a parent, she might have felt like he should have known better. How her own parent felt like a rotten, naive child in doing so. What if a hidden reason for Isobel holding firmly to Selune was to try to convince him. Not every action is tied to the enmeshed parent, but sometimes there are undermining doubts that maybe you're still not acting on your own behalf and still feel like you have to support a parent who should be living their own life - not sucking lifeforce from you.

I kind of feel for Isobel because she seems sweet, and even with the snark, there may be a genuine sensitivity within her that makes emotionally unstable people flock to her like an oasis in the desert (which is an experience I relate to). I even fear that with Aylin's PTSD, Isobel will just be put in that role again of emotional caretaker - being the only thing that grounds Aylin out of her rages. And that scares me.

From a note found in Isobel's room, I feel like she will fall into a depression now that she's been brought to life. Her father soon to be dead. And perhaps now, she will be stuck in a repeating cycle. Where she is always the beacon of hope for others out of necessity rather than living the life that should have always been hers and only hers.

If she dies, will the people around her desperately want to revive her as well? Because she shines so brightly they can't live without her light?

#cw emotional parentification #cw enmeshment #there is another name for this term that is more on the nose what is going on #isobel thorm #ketheric thorm #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #if some of this resonates with you - please look up “emotional inc*st” for resources

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olderthannetfic · 10 months

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Nothing is more disappointing than clicking on a fic for your OTP and it turns out to have what I call OC Stand-In Syndrome, wherein Character A and Character B have had their backgrounds, personalities and motivations changed alongside plopping them in an AU setting to the point where their names are just about the only thing tying them to who they were originally.

To use an example from a fandom I am not in now but saw a lot of this in when I was, take literally any MCU ship. Stony, but Tony and Steve are in the 1950s and Tony is a shy emotionally damaged Omega uwu and Steve is just a nice guy but not the badass who canonically would fight you for more or less any injustice you committed in front of him. Were their names changed to Antonio and Stefan, you would not recognize that they were supposed to be Tony Stark and Steve Rogers at all. Or it's Stucky, but it's a modern day AU and Bucky is a banker who falls for barista Steve and neither have any personality traits in common with their original namesakes outside of being I guess nice and arguably friendly with each other, though of course in addition to their childhood friendship being erased, so has their poverty, plopping them both into comfortable middle class backgrounds often with supportive living families, making them unrecognizable as far as origins go. Clintasha but Clint is a CEO of a company and Nat is a secretary with no dark backstory and they've never met until one day their soul marks activate and they go on a series of dates where they reveal personalities, backstories, interests and desires that do not match canon Clint and Nat to the point where you don't know why these two were chosen as the named characters.

If you want to write original fiction, by all means, go for it. Write your 1950's A/B/O M/M romance with an emotionally broken, shy uwu boy and his skinny sexy chivalrous Alpha. Write that coffee shop M/M middle-class-without-the-uncertainty thing. Write your busy workaholic cutesy secretary who fate has wed to a CEO and aaaah she's so nervous aaah why is this so awkward. Those are things with audiences who will love them and were they not presented to me with the names of other characters on them, I might like them, too.

But when I go looking for A/B fic and I just find a fic with a character borrowing Character A's name and they're into a character borrowing Character B's name, my thought isn't, "Wow, what a great A/B fic!" it's "you must've accidentally used find-and-replace to put in the wrong names on your OCs".

I got out of Reylo for exactly this reason. I like Reylo. I don't like the latest Sad Girl OC with a different backstory and either much more wallflower or viciously snide personality (depending on what the author thinks is cute/cool) and Sad Boy OC who lacks the rage issues, familial issues and ongoing flaws that make Kylo interesting.

And now it's creeping into my latest fandom and I'm just so tired. Please, I just want to read fic of two characters, not two of your OCs who you haven't named yet.

They probably find their portrayal IC, but yes, this often irritates me too.

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carnivorousladybug · 1 year

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A Character Study: Aemond from House of the Dragon

Almost 4k words. My thoughts on Aemond Targaryen. This is me trying to make sense of his character and guessing his motivations. I'm focusing mainly on the show so I did not mention Daeron.

To the greens, Aemond was the spare. To the blacks, he was even less than that.

In the show, he was born after The Green Dress stunt at Rhaenyra's wedding, when Alicent got rid of her Targaryen red and black dresses in favor of Hightower green, signaling her true allegiance. Sides are declared. The die is cast. In the book, Alicent's stunt wouldn't be pulled until a year after Aemond was born, but I like the show's timing better.

I like the idea of Alicent being in full-on war mode while she was pregnant with him. It would be fitting, knowing she would give birth to a baby boy with a choleric temperament. The boy who would one day grow up to be the young man whose actions started the Dance of the Dragons.

Aemond as might as well pull an Athena and come out of the womb fully dressed in armor and ready for war.

From the time Aemond was old enough to understand, the tension between his mother and half-sister had been so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

In the show, Aemond and Jace are roughly the same age, so Jace was probably born not long after Aemond (I'm guessing their age difference is a year max). Then Rhaenyra churns out two more bastard kids throughout the duration of Aemond's youth. Growing up, this boy would’ve been mighty familiar with hearing questions about his nephews' legitimacy as more and more rumors of Rhaenyra's trysts with Harwin Strong spread throughout King's Landing.

To properly understand Aemond's childhood, we need to talk about Aemond's momma, Alicent Hightower. Mommy dearest.

Alicent was literally a teen mom who had been forced to grow up too quickly. After Viserys fired Otto and her friendship with Rhaenyra disintegrated, she had almost zero allies in court. She was scared, paranoid, and bitter. Alicent was nowhere near prepared for the motherhood and queenship that was thrust upon her. I'm pretty sure that she often found herself needing someone to vent to, and I think Aemond would've been that someone for her (My Son is My Therapist).

Alicent was, by definition, an emotionally immature parent. In this scenario, it’s common for parents to turn to their children for emotional support. She couldn’t turn to Viserys, Aegon was rowdy and does his own shit, and she and Helaena never quite connected. That left Aemond, who strikes me as a naturally attentive and observant child.

This is just a theory, but I don’t see why it couldn’t have happened given the circumstances. It would certainly explain why Aemond and his mom are so close. (And why Aemond gives "older sibling who acts like a parent" vibes.)

I mean, have you seen this scene? The softness they have for each other? How in tune they are with each other’s emotions? They act more like equals than Mother and Son.

With Viserys being a shitty father who'd rather play with his legos than pay attention to his son, Alicent would also be the only person Aemond would look to for guidance, to make sense of the world.

I'm imagining Alicent ranting about Rhaenyra's irresponsibility while a young Aemond listens, absorbing every word.

Here I am, upholding the kingdom, the family, the law, while she flouts it all to do as she pleases.

The audacity of her to name her common-faced bastards as heirs while you and Aegon are pushed further down the line of succession.

Where is duty? Where is honor? Where is sacrifice?

It’s a wonder to me that her sons’ eggs ever hatched. We all know what they really are.

Aemond takes Alicent's words to heart and he treats them with a level of seriousness that is rare for most children his age. He strikes me as a very precocious kid. I see him as an overthinker, which would mean he has a tendency to mull over things for long periods of time and find deeper meanings where most would fail to. (A trait that would serve him but ultimately destroy him in the end.)

Like the good student he is, Aemond takes in everything that Alicent has to say. And if my My Son is My Therapist theory is correct, then out of all of Alicent’s children, Aemond would be the one most privy to her thoughts. It would explain why he's so similar to her in beliefs and personality. Everything he knew, he learned from Alicent.

Helaemond shippers like to point at this scene and say Aemond had a crush on Helaena and idk about you but it sounds like he's just echoing his mother. This is a 10-year-old boy.

Thanks to Alicent, Aemond would see the world as being split into two groups: the “worthy” and the “unworthy”. The worthy are the ones who uphold honor and duty. The unworthy are the ones who do not.

His sense of worth would be directly tied to this metric. Aemond has a strong desire to prove himself worthy by being the perfect prince, the perfect son. He cares deeply about how others views him, and he becomes a perfectionist.

Aegon being a useless drunkard and Rhaenyra being a lawbreaker would only motivate him further. (Yes, Rhaenyra naming her bastards as heirs is literally illegal. It's high treason. It's an offense that would result in being disinherited and even executed, I can't stress this enough.) I can do better, Aemond thinks.

So, being the only boy in the family without a dragon would do monumental damage to his self-esteem.

I'm imagining him listening to Alicent rant about how Jacaerys and Lucerys are unworthy of having their dragon eggs hatch. Being the over-analytical little shit he is, Aemond would've come to the conclusion that the eggs only hatch for true Targaryens. And suddenly he's worried because what if I'm not worthy of my name?

Even my idiot older brother and my bastard nephews have dragons. What does that make me? He thinks. Aemond would've felt so small.

As if it wasn't bad enough to know that he was only the spare to Aegon's heir, to watch his father neglect him while pouring affection to his half-sister and her kids, to know that he was the least important member of the family. (Knowing you're not the favorite child hurts even for normal people; imagine growing up in a family system where every child is ranked from most important to least.)

It sure didn't help that Aegon, Jace, and Lucerys took advantage of his biggest insecurity to bully him.

Now, we don't know exactly when this bullying started or how long it had been going on, but the Pink Dread incident was nowhere near the first time. To find a pig and to attach wigs on it takes a bit more effort than your average taunts. There's a lot that has to build up for that to happen. I'm guessing the bullying had been going for a few years.

But the pig was definitely the crescendo. With each taunt and sneer the boys had thrown at him, Aemond's self-esteem had gotten worse and worse. When the Pink Dread happens, something in Aemond snaps.

It was more than just a pig with wings. It was utter humiliation. It was telling him no matter how perfect you try to be, you will always be lesser.

Knowing this and all the pent-up anger that Aemond would have towards his brother and the Velaryon/Strong boys, it probably took him a lot of self-control to not explode right there and then.

In Fire and Blood, Aemond is described as being a feisty kid.

"Aemond was said to be half the size of his elder brother but twice as fierce."

In the show, he's more chill, but I don't think the book is wrong. F&B is written like a history book, and history only remembers what was notable. Aemond has this sort of vibe that says "I'm chill on the outside but I'm screaming on the inside." Like his mother, he holds in all his feelings for the sake of appearances but you can bet that during the times when he does let it out, this boy would have an anger that burns hotter than the seven hells. And it would be enough to give him a reputation.

Aemond tries to be on his best behavior and bottles up his emotions... until he can't anymore. Being a perfectionist, he has a do-or-die mentality. This aspect of him was ever so apparent when he sees Vhagar at Laena's funeral.

The oldest, largest, and most dangerous dragon in the world... out in the open, without a rider. And one desperate boy who has had enough of feeling weak and inferior.

Hell, it was like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit.

This is my one and only chance, Aemond thinks. My brother and my nephews want to laugh at me? Fine, I'm going to claim a dragon that'll make theirs look like a pig.

At this point, Aemond could care less about the dangers. Give me the biggest dragon in the world or give me death.

Vhagar sees Aemond and goes, "This little shit has balls... I like it. But let's see how he does in the air." She tests him by flying like an absolute maniac but when she realizes that Aemond has persevered regardless, she deems him worthy of being her rider. Vhagar likes her riders strong-willed and courageous. Aemond didn't claim Vhagar, Vhagar claimed Aemond.

And that validation from Grandma Dragon was all Aemond needed to go on a freaking power trip. This lonely boy — who had been bullied for years, whose only "friend" was his mother — was suddenly given the highest level of approval from an ancient war dragon who people write songs about. Becoming Vhagar's rider gives him newfound confidence and Aemond feels on top of the world. He's still riding that high when the Strong boys and Daemon's daughters attack him.

It's this same rush of power that makes him utter the forbidden word.

Bastards.

I don't think Aemond actually hates Rhaenyra's boys for being bastards. I mean, look at this scene where he goes up to Jace during Laena's funeral. The look of sympathy. He wants to say something to offer condolences about Ser Harwin's death, but he knows he shouldn't. And the future love of his life is literally a bastard of House Strong.

During the fight, Aemond calls Jace and Luke bastards as a way to get back at them for making him feel weak. He's saying, look who's the inferior one now.

Then Lucerys stabs him in the eye and all the euphoria he felt a few minutes ago goes down the drain.

It only got worse from there.

Instead of giving him sympathy, his half-sister politicizes his trauma, makes the entire thing about her and her sons, and accuses him of treason. His father is angrier over the fact that he called his nephews bastards than the fact that he was maimed. The little shit who took out his eye doesn't even apologize.

And where had his useless older brother been all this time? Drunk beyond repair.

The only one who seems to care is his mother, and Aemond watches as she gets excessively gaslit for wanting justice on his behalf.

He's sitting there in the armchair while all this goes down, one of his eyes is literally gone, and his injury is probably so painful that his head feels like it's going to burst.

I let my feelings get ahead of me one time and this is what happens, Aemond thinks.

Any other kid in his position would've felt entitled to act out, but Aemond swallows down his emotions and puts on a brave face. He protects his mother from his father's wrath and even steps in to defuse the situation by placating her. Mommy's little therapist.

This ten-year-old boy was forced to take on the role of an adult while his eye had been freshly slashed from his skull. The trauma of that night would stay with him for years afterward.

Three things were certain in Aemond's mind:

He can't count on his father to defend him.

He can't count on his older brother to defend him.

His half-sister cares more about the throne than his safety and most likely his life.

When the family returns to Kings Landing the next day, Aemond leaves his childhood behind at Driftmark.

He develops hyper-independence and spends the next several years trying to compensate for his disability while preparing for the Targaryen Hunger Games that will come one day. Aemond would be the first one up at dawn, already in the training yard, and he'd be the last one to retreat to his chambers at night, reading page after page in the library and sometimes even falling asleep there.

Well, okay, maybe he's not exactly the last one to bed.

I'm imagining pre-teen Aemond coming out of the library at the hour of the owl, only to bump into a staggering teenage Aegon who was just sneaking back into the Red Keep after a late-night rendezvous, high as a kite.

This is the idiot who is to be king, Aemond thinks. (Rhaenyra's gang can delude themselves as much as they'd like but Aemond knows the precedent set by the Great Council of 101 AC, the primogeniture, was bigger than the wishes of a dying king and an entitled princess.)

No matter how hard he tries, his clown of a brother would always get what Aemond had always been more qualified for.

Because Aemond was only the second son.

Worse, a second son with just one eye.

Aemond's quite insecure about his looks; I'm sure he thinks his scar looks ugly and horrifying. It's canon that he wears the eyepatch to not frighten the ladies. The sapphire is there so he looks cool when he does want to frighten them.

I don't think he would've had a lot of crushes. Not because he doesn't care about romance or sex, I think it would be because he's scared of getting rejected. He hears the court calling him Aemond One-Eye and people whispering about his fiery temper behind his back. As a side effect of that traumatic day in Driftmark, I think Aemond would now anger quite easily, as trauma survivors often do. And when he isn't angry, he's putting on a stone mask of confidence to seem indestructible. It would definitely come off quite cold to others, but after all the helplessness he had felt, Aemond adopts the "I'd rather be feared than loved" mentality.

He knows he's not crush-worthy material (don't fight me on this, it's different for fandom girlies because we know his story, but imagine if you didn't and you met him in real life, only knowing him based on the rumors? and, while I think ewan mitchell is handsome af, he's not conventionally pretty.).

I have other things to do than think about girls, he tells himself.

Then Aegon takes him to a brothel on the Streets of Silk on his thirteenth birthday. His older brother basically rapes him by proxy via a woman who is twice Aemond's age. (We don't know if this trauma did anything to affect Aemond's sexual preferences but we do know that teenage Aemond would never look at girls his own age. He falls in love with Alys Rivers... who's like 40. Aemond also has mommy issues so there's that.)

When Aegon marries Helaena, Aemond does his best to protect his sister from his brother's abuse because he knows what it's like. Both being victims of Aegon, he forms a special bond with Helaena and takes on the role of being her protector. This protectiveness he feels is extended down to Helaena's children.

A few years go by and Aemond settles into a routine that consists of him picking up after his brother, taking care of his sister and her children, being a confidant to his mother, and essentially taking the position of the family patriarch. On top of this, he has a rigorous training regimen and he's studying everything he can about history and political philosophy so that at least someone will know shit about ruling when Aegon becomes king.

This boy had so much on his plate.

Eventually, the matter of Driftmark's succession brings Rhaenyra's clan back to court. Bro definitely had flashbacks when he heard the news that they were coming. During the petitions scene, he's tense and on guard. He's trying to act like seeing Rhaenyra and her kids doesn't bother him, but his hands are clasped high behind his back as if he's trying to keep it all in.

At this point, it was about more than the loss of his eye. It was about more than just that night. More than the pain of the injury, and more than the phantom pain that he probably still feels occasionally in the place where his eye had been.

(Edited: I found this amazing post explaining that Aemond most likely had chronic pain resulting from nerve damage. So he probably had more than phantom pain. Which makes his trauma ten times worse.)

No, this boy has been hurt mind, body, and soul. He looks at the blacks and he sees all the years of helplessness, loneliness, resentment, anger, and insecurity that he had been through as a result of their actions. (I've said before that Aemond is a ruminator, and ruminators are often the best grudge-holders.)

Daemon beheads Vaemond for saying the same thing he did when he lost his eye, showing absolutely no mercy. Then, during dinner, the little shit who took out his eye had the audacity to laugh at him when he saw a pig.

Aemond's like, y'know what, I've been acting cordial all day for the sake of being respectful but these people don't deserve it. Fuck it.

After Vizzy T dies and Aegon runs off, Aemond volunteers to find the fool. He prides himself in being dutiful and loyal, it's literally his entire sense of identity, and if it means tracking down his idiot of a brother just so the fool could be crowned — so be it.

That doesn't mean he has to be happy about it though. Aemond finds himself alone in the streets of Flea Bottom with Ser Crispy — the man who taught him how to fight, the man who has been there for his family ever since he was born — and decides to take the opportunity to vent and grant himself some much-needed catharsis, if only for a few seconds.

I think all the resentment that he had felt during the last few days finally boiled over when he saw Luke at Storm's End.

There he was, selling himself up for marriage, trying to do what's expected of him even though he probably feels like a puppet on a string — just so Eggy gets to keep his crown. And this boy, this boy who took his eye out, who bullied him, who laughed and never apologized, waltzes in. The same boy who, a few days ago, was named heir to Driftmark, even though he was a bastard and a second son.

Aemond is triggered. He's a trauma victim; his mind immediately reverts back to the state it was in that fateful night in Driftmark. Mentally, he's no longer the dutiful young adult. The helpless little boy in him comes out and he sees red.

"I want you to put out your eye."

My theory is that Aemond had been dreaming about taking Luke's eye as retribution for years. It's pretty common for victims of violence to fantasize about attacking their abusers — it's a defense mechanism to prepare them for violence to come, and in Aemond's case, violence was guaranteed to come. My dude has probably been suffering from intrusive homicidal ideations for while.

The show told the tale from Luke's POV so we see the boy running out the hall after Borros ends the conversation, only for a mean nasty Aemond to chase him on Vhagar. In the book, however, another secondborn decides to stir shit up after Luke leaves the room.

And there it might have ended, but for the girl Maris. The secondborn daughter of Lord Borros, less comely than her sisters, she was angry with Aemond for preferring them to her. "Was it one of your eyes he took, or one of your balls?" Maris asked the prince, in tones sweet as honey. "I am so glad you chose my sister, I want a husband with all his parts."

So what I'm thinking is that Aemond did try to drop his anger when Luke took his leave. But then the girl picks at his insecurity (bro doesn't know shit about girls and he takes everything so seriously, there's no way he could've seen that she was just jealous).

And that was the final straw. The boy who has tried so hard to be perfect loses control. Honestly, this moment has been a long time coming.

Aemond chases Luke on Vhagar to scare him. He wants to make Luke feel as helpless as he did when they were younger. It makes him feel powerful, and after feeling stepped on for so long, he's letting himself enjoy it while giggling like a maniac in the pouring rain.

Vhagar, however, had other plans. I think she sensed his anger and madness, just like Arrax sensed Luke's fear and anxiety. Aemond might've been playing around, but Vhagar had a mind of her own.

Aemond's only friend (who doesn't also double as a mom or a training teacher) is his geriatric dragon, so of course he would be a tad overconfident in their bond. He definitely wasn't planning for Vhagar to dive in for a little snack.

And that's the story of how the lonely boy who tried and tried and tried to be the perfect son went down in history as a kinslayer.

I can't wait to see him in season 2, absolutely wrecked with guilt. And who's going to believe that mean ole Aemond One-Eye never meant to kill Lucerys? Kinslaying is a serious offense in Westeros. Aemond fucks up one time and now he's going to be ostracized for the rest of his life (which isn't too long 💀).

I can't wait to see how his dynamic with Alicent is going to change since he's no longer this golden boy.

I can't wait to see him become absolutely deranged when Blood and Cheese happens. Aemond thinks he knows what guilt feels like? Think again. The guilt of killing Lucerys was only the prologue. With Blood and Cheese, Aemond wouldn't just be losing a nephew, he'd lose his sister too. Helaena becomes a ghost of a person, and Aegon... I think Egg would be so mad at Aemond. The roles between the brothers would suddenly reverse.

Also, I can't wait to see how they'll portray his relationship with Alys Rivers. (I will sue if they make Alys a skinny, young cottage-core girl. Give me an actual middle-aged woman and make her a witchy girlboss with a fire that matches Aemond's. Give me Katie McGrath.) I want to see him meet Alys and be like "Fuck the Baratheon girl, I'm going to hell anyway so I as might as well enjoy life while I can." I want to see the dutiful side of him unravel as his desires get the best of him. I want to see him drunk with power when he becomes Aegon's regent.

#aemond targaryen #hotd essay #hotd thoughts #house of the dragon #team green #hotd aemond #hotd meta #hotd analysis

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keruwu-san · 1 year

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Tart wine. Chapter two

Chapter one Chapter three

Aemond Targaryen x Auntie! Reader

My first publication on this site. ENGLISH IS NOT MY NATIVE LANGUAGE. I worked with a translator; I hope that the text is still clear! Let me know if there are any bugs! Thank you in advance!

Summary: The younger sister of King Viserys and Prince Daemon finds solace in Rhaenyra and Alicent children, because she cannot have her own. Prince Aemond Targaryen is experiencing a childhood crush, which he plans to carry through the years and ask for his aunt's hand in the future.

Word count: 3338

Warning: Allusion to incestuous relationship

IMPORTANT! I didn't write before how much Leineris is older than other characters, including Aemond. Brief biography: Lenerys Targaryen is the only daughter and the last child of Baelon and Alyssa Targaryen, after the death of Aegon (in the original, Alyssa also dies), the couple almost did not attempt to have another child, but Alyssa becomes pregnant, childbirth is difficult and eventually she dies. In the pilot episode, Daemon is about 20 years old, Rhaenyra is 14, Lenerys is 16. In episode 7, after 10 years, Aemond is 10, Lenerys is 26. In episode 8, Aemond is 19, Lenerys is 35.

King's Landing.

A lot has changed after the incident in the halls of Driftmark, a lot of things Alicent realized for herself. Previously, she believed that she had no allies in the Targaryen family, her own husband was busy with anything but her or their children, his mind was focused on grief for his dead wife and on the well–being of Rhaenyra, but after she received support from the king's sister, Lenerys Targaryen, now Arryn, she it became a little easier, more emotionally.

Lenerys did not take sides in that evening's conflict, she refused to pay the debt "eye for an eye", but it seemed unfair to her to let the boys down like that, «It’s not even a scratch, it's not even a scar, and it’s a whole eye! Rhaenyra, Viserys!» The woman wanted justice, but it was clear that she could not personally harm her niece's children. However, when everyone began to disperse, spoke to the queen, comforting her, while Aemond wrapped himself in his mother's dress and hair, hiding his face. This already said a lot, then, when everyone turned away from Alicent, considered her insane, Lenerys did not turn away from her. And Alicent will not forget that.

The current situation seemed strange to her. Aemond, who had once loved his aunt of unconsciousness, had always been glad of her company, now asked that Lady Arryn no longer come to him. The boy avoided everyone, but if he did not refuse dinner with his mother, grandfather or Helena, then he tried to escape from lunch with Lenerys.

- Well, I will have to go back to the Eyrie soon, - Lenerys sipped her wine, - I have not been there for a long time, and I think my husband was waiting for me.

- Yes, of course, I understand, - Alicent poured a drink into her glass, - Your husband, I am sure, misses you.

Targaryen smiled at such a remark, for all the time that she spent in King's Landing, her husband never wrote to her. Not that it bothered her much.

- Before I leave, I would like to spend time with my nephews, - Alicent was not surprised by the woman's statement and continued to drink wine, - Including Aemond.

Now the One-Eyed Prince tried to be secretive when he got out of his room. When moving around the castle, he always listened for footsteps, if there were none, and then he went on. He was often absent from family dinners, but if he was there, he behaved extremely quietly, ate quickly and just as quickly left. He understood that his aunt, whom he avoided in every way, was worried about him, but he continued to do it anyway. He did not want her to see his disfigured face, his empty eye socket and the ugly scar cutting through his left side. Aemond knew what the lords and ladies were whispering about, those who once wanted to marry their daughters to Prince Aemond Targaryen are now quickly withdrawing their proposals, and noble ladies secretly, behind his back, call him a "freak" and a "cripple". Moreover, he would be lying if he said that he does not care about it, it seems he will never be able to close his eyes to it. The prince was already not a particularly popular choice, even despite his young age, but now the tenth road will bypass him, saying nasty things. Combined with all this, he could not think about what his dear aunt thought about it all.

Yes, children's logic is really a strange thing. He deliberately avoided her, but longed for her to come, find and comfort him, pronouncing comforting speeches and stroking his head. However, he now thought that she would be disgusted. Aemond was terrified by the thought that he was disgusting to her, that Lenerys, would push him away and no longer want to talk to the eyeless monster. From the flow of thoughts, the heart was squeezed, and hot tears stood out on the now single eye. Now it was different. There was no one to calm him down, there was no one to shelter he in warm embraces and funny stories in which he plunged headlong and forgot about his problems.

Night. Library.

Aemond knew about his aunt's love of reading, so now his daytime outings for a portion of knowledge fell on the night when no one could see him. The Prince missed their Valyrian lessons, when they could sit for hours over books and practice the language, or when a woman read to him about Ancient Valyria and the history of their Great House. Nevertheless, everything changed in one evening, alas.

Another night. The candle in the prince's hand served as the only source of illumination and it was she who helped him to see the title of the next book, but so far, none of them has interested him yet. The prince fell into a light trance, he read the title of the book and instantly forgot it, switching to another one. Probably, insomnia caused by phantom pains is to blame for this. It seemed to Aemond that his missing eye itched and hurt, as if he was about to start bursting into bitter tears. But this did not happen. Yes, even if he managed to escape into the sleepy realm, it was not for long. From the long-awaited dream, he was driven away by terrible nightmares with the same plot. He. Bastards. Hatch. Knife. Eye. Pain. After an unpleasant awakening, the prince grabbed at the night bandage, again and again making sure that the nightmare had come true.

- If I were you, I would take care of the remaining eye and not spoil your vision.

Aemond nervously turned his head towards the source of the sound. The prince's single eye widened and goose bumps ran down his spine. What he was afraid had happened.

- Aunt. – He spoke on an exhale, it betrayed excitement in him, and realizing this and the prince straightened his back and pushed his chest a little forward, trying to seem more confident.

- I was passing by, - the woman began, - and I was curious who was wandering around the library at such a late hour.

Aemond did not know what to say. No matter how often he thought about their meeting, which would have happened eventually, he didn't know how to behave, he didn't know what to say. He wanted tenderness and affection from her, but his uncertainty whispered to him that he was not worthy of them.

The closer she got, the more Aemond's uncertainty grew. He wanted to shrink and run away, but out of pride, he continued to stand and look at her. - How is your condition, my prince? – "My Prince" such treatment from her side seemed to the boy cold and insensitive, to some extent. He loved when she called him by his name, he liked how it sounded exactly from her, gently and pleasantly.

- Everything's fine, don't worry, - Aemond tried to seem indifferent, even bored-the maesters and mother took good care of me.

The woman smiled, and only now did he notice that she was wearing a nightgown. He was a little embarrassed by this, but tried not to show it, - I'll be honest with you, Aemond,- she sighed, and he shuddered, - I'm not your enemy, I'm your family. I do not wish you any harm and I never have. I want to help you deal with your grief. You cannot carry him alone, - Lenerys has already come close to him, raising her hand, she touched the oval of his face with her hand, - You are so young Aemond, you have so much pain to endure in the future, but you always have a family that loves you the way you are, with or without an eye.

Aemond did not seem to be breathing, he was listening to her so attentively. The prince stared intently at her face, trying to see signs of disgust or lies, but saw nothing. Sincere sympathy was in her amethyst eyes, and the light from the candle gave her face even more comfort and warmth. The situation seemed to him extremely intimate, they were like secret lovers who sneaked into a secluded place at night in order to spend time in each other's company.

- Stop playing hide-and-seek, Aemond, - the woman moved away from him, the prince felt a chill, and at the same time even more alarm, - We will cope with this. Together.

Aemond wanted to cry. Does she really not hate him? His sweet aunt doesn't see him as a monster? Gods, emotions overwhelmed him and he stared at her in confusion. He didn't know what he wanted: to run away from her, hide or jump into her arms and never let go again. His shoulders began to shake, he felt like he was about to explode from the overwhelming emotions. Seeing this, Lenerys cautiously approached him with her hand on his shoulder.

- My prince, let's go into the room, we'll discuss everything there, and you'll go to bed,- Lenerys smiled encouragingly again, - Sleep is important for a growing organism.

Aemond just nodded. Lady Arryn took a candle from his hand and, clasping his other hand with her own, led him to the residential floor of the Red Castle.

In silence, they reached his chambers. In silence, they entered them, Lenerys immediately went to the table with a decanter and poured herself some water, huh, Aemond is still small for wine, we are content with what we have. The prince shifted from one foot to the other, avoiding his aunt's gaze.

Lenerys studied her nephew. She chose her words so as not to frighten the prince and cause even more damage to his psychological health. However, gods, it was hard. She saw Aemond grow up, even though he was only ten, but also how his love for her grew. She remembers how, as a little boy, he always greeted her and her dragon with puppy delight, and when he got a little older, he made her various offerings: he would pick flowers from the garden, and then steal cakes from the maid and other cute children's actions. Now, the fate of this boy and his attitude to this world may depend on what she says. For Lenerys, Aemond was a bright child, as was his sister Helena. Knowing how rotten and cruel this world is, she wanted to prolong their carefree childhood and make him happy.

- Aemond, my boy, may I take a look? – Lenerys approached him carefully and slowly, her steps were soundless, - I will not hurt you, I promise.

- How can you help me? - he finally blurted out, - I'm a freak now, the whole castle is whispering behind my back, the lords withdraw their proposals ... - on the verge of tears, he continued, - now I'm a demon for them, not a person!

- You can be anything to them, - she took his hand, and when she felt that he wanted to pull it away, she held him back, - but for me you will always be my favorite nephew, with or without an eye, you are still Aemond Targaryen. – hot tears began to flow from his eye, noticing this, Lenerys reached out and wiped the wet trail with the back of her hand, after wrapping her arms around the oval of his face and began to stroke soothingly, - You can be sure of me, my attitude towards you has not changed.

The prince took a step to meet her and finally clung to her chest, sobbing bitterly. He was hugging her with thirst, his hands wandering down her back and clinging to the fabric of her nightgown like a lifeline. Lenerys was whispering something to him, but he did not even hear her, but he could feel her stroking his head. Carefully, she knelt down and pulled Aemond along with her, now they were sitting.

- I'm sorry, - he said in a trembling voice, - I didn't know how you feel about me now, - sobbed, - I was afraid that you also think I'm a freak and monster, - he didn't know how long he cried in her arms, but as soon as he cried out, clear consciousness returned to him again and he realized her words.

- I have nothing to blame you for, it's all right. - Aemond pulled away from her and Lenerys gently cupped his face in her hands, - Now, can I take a look?" I will understand if not, it is fine.

Aemond thought for a minute. With trembling hands, he reached for the bandage and began to unbutton the strap. Lenerys watched him, the fact that he opened up to her proved how much he trusted.

Oh, she would not lie, it looked awful. Now, of course, his face was not swollen and blood was not flowing from the wound, but the cut had already closed, it only remained to give time to allow the wound to finally heal. The empty eye socket caused goosebumps on her back, but she did not show it. He doesn't need to know her opinion on this right now – Can I help with bandaging and ointments?

"Aren't you... scared?" – Aemond looked like a cornered fawn, in his one eye there was fear mixed with hatred, with hope and naive childish love. The princess's words warmed his little heart, gave him hope.

- No, of course not, - she pressed him to her again, as if to prove the truth of her words, and continued stroking his head.

King's Landing/

So, the prince's bad mood was overshadowed by the news of his Lenerys departure. As the lady explained, she had to go to the Eyrie and fulfill her duties as a wife, simultaneously telling him what awaits him in his future marriage, his role and the role of his wife already. Aemond listened to her, but rage and resentment only grew in his heart, and they were directed at Lord Arryn, the scoundrel who steals her from him.

After the night conversation, Lenerys bandaged his eye every evening, applied ointments, sometimes she did it together with Alicent. The boy liked that there was no tension between Lenerys and his mother, they talked sweetly about everyday topics, sometimes mentioning the "red seas", or rather their absence, but he did not really understand what it was about, and he didn't want to, the prince just enjoyed a moment of peace.

The nightmares did not go away, the anxiety became stronger after the news of the aunt's imminent departure. He was suffering from an overabundance of feelings, he wanted to open up to her, tell her everything he thinks, what he dreams about ... about how he would like to marry her in a couple of years according to the old Valyrian Tradition. He had never seen her in person, but he had read a lot. The magic of an ancient civilization flowed from the lines he read, and it intrigued him so much! The young prince often fell into fantasies about how their palms and lips would be cut by dragon glass, after which their blood, their flesh, souls and nature would become one and they would seal them with a kiss… But he was not stupid, he knew that now it was worth taking all his feelings under control, since he had taken control of Vhagar. Aemond knew that now, when he was barely eleven, Lenerys would refuse him. He will keep these emotions and feelings and will be able to open up to her later, he will wait for her.

King's Landing. Evening.

Princess Lenerys had been absent for a week, it was quite sad without her in the Red Castle. The Prince was just getting used to the new reality. If earlier everyone was discussing dwarfs and bastards, now everyone was discussing the "Poor One-Eyed Prince". Only a week had passed, but Aymond was already looking forward to their new meeting, he even thought of flying to his aunt on Vhagar, but he understood that this would be an extremely childish and infantile act, he decided to wait for her obediently.

The clang of dishes and appliances did not distract the young prince much from the flow of thoughts, but unlike his relatives, he did not eat, there was no appetite. After the incident on the Driftmark, there was no appetite at all, but he ate with effort. That is what his mother asked him, that's what Helena asked, that's what Lenerys asked. "In order for the wound to heal faster, you need to eat well. And if you want to become a strong young man, including" every time before eating, he scrolled this quote in his head.

- Please pay attention, - his father's voice pulled him out of his thoughts, - there are joyful news from the Eyrie! - the whole family put down the cutlery and was already listening attentively to the king, - my sister, our Princess Lenerys Targaryen writes that after so many moons and years of marriage, she and Lord Arryn will finally have their first child! – Alecent clapped joyfully, Otto nodded and drank from a glass of wine, Aegon did not care, Helena muttered something, and Aemond…

"What?" was the first thought that popped into his head. He looked anxiously at his relatives, watching their reaction, and when he realized that he had heard everything correctly, he fell into a slight stupor. He didn't want to believe his ears, but that was the reality. The baby had not even been born yet, but Aemond had already hate him.

- A child is the fruit of love between a man and a woman, – Aemond looked at his mother, she looked joyful, - I'm glad that at last everything worked out for them! - His father the king smiled approvingly and raised the goblet above his head.

- To my future nephew!

At this moment, it seems the whole world has become deaf, or vice versa, Aemond has become deaf to the world. He did not hear voices, he did not hear the cups meet with a characteristic clang ... the only thing he heard was the beating of his broken heart, it was reflected in his ears, and it seemed that it was because of him that he became deaf. His breath was knocked out, he greedily sniffed the air and exhaled convulsively. He is on the verge of tears again,…He hates it.

Everyone seemed to be busy with the good news, and no one was paying attention to the one-eye prince, but his older brother, Aegon, was watching him, grinning at his suffering.

After his mother and the maesters changed his bandages and applied ointments, the queen came up and gently kissed him on the forehead, he did not resist. This evening he was not talkative, the prince wanted everyone to leave his chambers as soon as possible.

Finally, when his mother left, wishing him a quiet night, he gave free rein to his emotions. Quiet sobs, he bit his lips so as not to scream, and his absent eye, as if he was also trying to squeeze tears out of himself, itched inexorably. The wound also began to itch, but he restrained these impulses as best he could, instead he tore the pillow and fabrics, feathers were scattered on his bed.

No matter how hurt he was, he could not and didn't want to blame her. He did not reveal his feelings to his aunt, and she owed him nothing, but such logical conclusions did not act as a miracle cure for his bleeding heart. He understood that hating an innocent child was stupid, infantile, but his mother's words "A child is the fruit of love between a man and a woman" pressed him even harder and more painfully. His emotions were like a typhoon. Hatred, resentment were like huge waves, sweeping away everything in its path, in this case all reasonable arguments.

Tag: @sheetalkalkhandey @elraeeee @minaxcarter @infirebaby @khonshu-help-me

#aemond imagine #aemond x reader #aemond x you #aemond one eye #aemond x y/n #house of the dragon aemond #house of the dragon #rhaenyra targaryen #daemon targaryen #lady alicent #aemond targaryen #house targaryen #you #y/n

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mezamun · 2 months

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In relation to another post, I think I'd like to give my basic thoughts on ships; Ash ships in particular to start with because that's easy.

Poké- Childhood mutual crushes. The sillies. AU Notes — Ash got burned by Misty leaving and ignored love for a while. Misty moved on. By the time the subject came up again, she gently rejected him. They tried dating as adults but it felt awkward and weird. They think the other is attractive but it just does not work. They'd rather give each other noogies and dead arms than date.

Advance - Not my favorite, but charming and cute. AU Notes — They're both committed to their primary partners, but they do casually date as adults. They grow up to have a lot in common and have nice chemistry. That said, you'd hardly notice that they're not just BFFs unless you see them kiss or something.

Pearl - OTP! They're so perfect. Made for each other. Endgame. AU Notes — Endgame. They're married. Ash and Dawn start dating a year after Diamond/Pearl and they support each other more and more; Dawn is the perfect emotional confidant for Ash and vice versa. Lacking a lot of his inhibitions for sharing his grief and worries, and not one to criticize him much, she's a great match for him. Likewise, Ash is a bit more emotionally in-tune and is good for her!

Negai - Conceptually great, but canon sours this one for me hard. The mean-spiritedness of BW makes me resent a lot of their interactions. But on paper, I think it's a great ship with some tweaks! AU Notes — Their friendship is a lot closer to my ideal, here. Fellow hard-headed trainers turned Champions. There's just a touch of chemistry here; they comfort each other and hug things out in private and share a lot with each other emotionally. But, as far as most of the world is concerned, they're just tight friends.

Amour - My second favorite ship for Ash in canon. I do wish it got more buddy-buddy moments in the vein of Pearl, but I really appreciate their story and influence on one another, it's very cute. AU Notes — Part of my OT3! Serena and Ash become quick emotional confidants in Kalos, with Ash in heavy denial about his budding feelings. Dawn's arrival throws them for a loop, and only wants what makes all three of them happiest, once she too falls for Serena. They all date, and later get married and have a family.

Auriela - Not a fan whatsoever. Feels very much like Ash is just there to coddle and rescue her. Does nothing for me at all. AU Notes — Even more of a no; Ash meets her as a young adult when she's 10 or 11; he's damn near a parental figure to her, while co-boarding at Kukui's lab after she runs away from home. During my later USUM arc, Ash is the experienced mentor to her and Selene.

Aloha - Who picked that name. Anyways. It's fine. Shrug emoji AU Notes — Not a thing in my canon, though Ash and Mallow are friends from when he took part in her trial.

Blueangel - It's the one S/M ship I liked. Super cute chemistry! AU Notes — It's canon to my AU. They hit it off during/after Ash participated in her trial. They have similar senses of humor, wanderlust, and strong personalities in general. Ash ultimately introduces her to Misty, who she ends up marrying. Misty likes to joke that he has visitation privileges in their prenuptuals.

Bloombolt - I've seen people make it work! That Ash isn't even really Ash to me anymore, so whatever. AU Notes — Absolutely not. Ash is Chloe's godfather in this canon. They mean a lot to me platonically. He was friends with Prof Cerise growing up, and ended up being asked for that blessing. He's a major source of encouragement and wisdom for Chloe, despite the window of estrangement they go through when she closes herself off.

Pallet - I can definitely see why people ship this, it's good. AU Notes — While there's nothing that really makes this impossible, I don't see it in my canon. They're BFFs, it's not like that.

Coma - I like it. They're just kind of funny together. Disaster gays. AU Notes — I definitely could picture Ash having some feelings for him that he didn't realize or vice versa, but it doesn't end up happening. That window of time that'd set it off never happens. Paul would never care to entertain all the noise and relationships in Ash's life, and they work just fine as friends, anyway.

Z-Ring - I can see why people ship this in canon, it's cute. AU Notes — Nah. They're friendly rivals. Kiawe strikes me as very stern and do-it-by-the-books. He's monogamous with Mallow.

Journeys - Again; that Ash isn't the Ash I know. In isolation, it works. AU Notes — Very similar big no to Chloe; Ash is a mentor to Goh and actually encourages he and Chloe to pursue each other when they both confide in him separately. They're close, platonically.

Alto - Heroes made me a big fan they are so CUTE. AU Notes — They're together. They reunite some years after Johto, during a time where Ash is pretty down on his luck and could use the company + support. He reciprocates Latias's feelings after spending their short journey together and she joins him for good. She continues to use her human form to blend in alongside him.

Poffle - I really just believe Miette was using Ash to get Serena's goat, but it's an amusing thought anyway. AU Notes — She's something of a package deal with Serena. I think they're funny as a throuple.

That's it, for now!

#meza thoughts #mezaverse au #for the au thoughts #pokeshipping #advanceshipping #pearlshipping #negaishipping #amourshipping #blueangelshipping #not tagging the ones i said i don't ship LOL #that'd be rude #altoshipping

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justmochi · 9 months

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WORD COUNT :: 1.6k

SYNOPSIS :: mira's childhood and how she came to debut in dreamcatcher

❗️WARNINGS❗️ :: mentions of cheating, child/domestic abuse, religion, smoking. if sensitive subjects such as these are off limits to you, feel free not to read. take care of yourself first ♡

A/N :: My mother helped me to write this, since it is heavily based on how she grew up. So when religion is mentioned, please note that it is just how I perceived it from my mom over the years. I also use Mira's birthname to address her in this, along with her family. I also wrote this in 2021 and revisit it occasionally, sometimes I forget it exists. I'll list everyones names here in case it gets confusing bc it did for me im just a lil slow tho c':

Lei Xinyi = Mira Lei Jinjing = Mira's mother Lei Dawei = Mira's father

I also will not be using the taglist this post because of how heavy this one is.

Born to Lei Jinjing and Lei Dawei, the married couple welcomed their second child, a girl named Xinyi, into the world on June 21, 1996. It was anything but a perfect marriage. In her senior year of high school, 1992, Jinjing became pregnant with her first documented child, a boy, with Daewei being the assumed father. It is alleged that she never graduated high school, as there is no existing paperwork of a diploma. Freshly on her own into adult life, she quickly married with Dawei to feel a sense of security. He considered her his first love and heartbreak. As years went by, he tried everything in his power to salvage the marriage since his feelings were genuine. The union was full of deception, manipulation, and many affairs on Jinjing’s behalf. When Xinyi was 5 years old, her parents divorced and her mother was given sole custody. Dawei always fulfilled his duties as a father, his child support payments always on time, providing for both Xinyi and her brother. Their mother was not emotionally supportive or present during their childhood. She was not a genuinely religious person, but forced her children to join a Pentecostal church so she could get closer to one of the widowed members.

At the age of 10, Xinyi’s mother finally married another man who was extremely wealthy, something that Jinjing searched for her whole life. Xinyi is convinced to this day that it is truly not love, only her mother after his money. Her step-father had a major influence on their mother once married. He immediately started ordering her kids around, claiming they were not disciplined enough and was determined to fix it. As soon as Xinyi turned 11, Jinjing and her husband forced her to get a job at the local shoe store. They would not allow her to sit around at home, she was required to contribute to the family just as her brother and the adults did. Most nights, her mother and step-father left her and her brother alone at night to fend for themselves while they worked night shift or gambled. It was both of their responsibilities to wake up and send themselves to school. They were also given ungodly chores that were not fit for children of their size. Scrubbing every tiny crevice on the tile floors with a toothbrush, polishing the wooden floors, cleaning their parents' ashtrays everyday, dusting the perimeter of the house for cobwebs daily, and even using ammonia on the walls to get rid of the cigarette odors.

For as long as Xinyi could remember, their families never had normal holidays or birthdays. The only time where the children felt like actual children is when they were with their father. With Jinjing and her new husband, they were not allowed to have birthday parties. They would only get one gift from the both of them, and it was money being put into their trust fund that they could have when they were older. On each Christmas, the family opened many gifts, the children only being allowed to keep one. The following day, they would take all of their presents down to the orphanage for kids who were less fortunate.

Jinjing was always one to play mind games. She would stir the pot with Dawei whenever the children were with him. He picked up his kids as they got out of school, taking them out and treating them to a meal. Jinjing knowing fully well that they were with him, she would call the police, saying that Dawei had kidnapped the children. When coming back from dinner and dropping the kids off, the police would be waiting for him at her house. This became a routine, and taught their father to always keep receipts of everything that came down to Jinjing. He always had her sign papers, so at least he had written consent that he was allowed to take the children. This applied to child support payments too. Because he kept all of the receipts, the police caught on to her lies and would not waste their time coming out when she was obviously crazy and controlling.

When Xinyi turned 14, her mother took it upon herself to find her daughter a boyfriend within their Pentecostal church. She did not have any say in it, nor did she desire to have a boyfriend at that age. Jinjing made arrangements and the two families grew close. The girl didn’t expect to catch feelings for a relationship that was forced on them. What they didn’t know is that the Pentecostal boy would be Xinyi’s first boyfriend, dance, and kiss. After a year of dating, Xinyi fell ill to the point she could not attend school. She was never allowed to miss a day of school. She could be vomiting profusely or have her organs hanging out of her stomach, and her mother would still force her to go to school. She only missed three days, one being a trip to the doctors office. She quickly got back to school in no time, catching herself up and making sure her grades did not drop. The following Friday, Xinyi behaved well enough to attend her school’s football game, forgetting about her domestic life for even just a few hours. What she didn’t expect was her mother, marching to the bleachers with her husband stomping behind her. Jinjing humiliated her daughter in front of the whole school, striking her across the face, calling her names and screaming “Who have you been kissing!”. Xinyi’s test results showed she had Mononucleosis. She was forced to break up with the Pentecostal boy, who she became very close friends with during the arrangement. Her mother prevented them from seeing each other, avoiding engagement with his family and not letting Xinyi even look in his direction at church.

In late 2011, Dawei earned himself a promotion, his company seeing him as the only fit candidate to take the position. He would have to move to Wuhan, China to start. He knew this was his chance to finally get his kids away from Jinjing and the hell they were living with her and their stepfather. Once hearing about the job offer, Dawei got to work and contacted his lawyer. The legal battle got ugly as Xinyi was in the middle of it, her mother still having that controlling nature to her. Her brother was of age and immediately left the household once he turned 18. Dawei offered to let him come with him, which he respectfully declined, wanting to stay put as he went to college (majoring in the field Jinjing had forced upon him), and had a girlfriend he loved dearly. Ultimately, Dawei won his court case and was able to take Xinyi to live with him in Wuhan, with the exception of visiting her mother during the summer.

Her first year in Wuhan was difficult. She had difficulty making friends and staying caught up in her classes. When living with her father, he would lecture her for working too hard, since that was all she was taught to do. All she ever did was work hard, get straight A’s, honor roll, and even that was not enough to buy her mother’s love. She argued whenever he said she could miss school. She had occasional conversations with students during her first few months. She had been so focused on getting good grades, always driving people away with her crazy mother. She had one friend in Hong Kong who stayed with Xinyi even through her mother’s psycho antics. Jinjing would make her daughter, along with her friend, do the usual chores around the house, as if she had any authority over her friend. She joined the choir in school, where she eventually befriended Handong. She was her first genuine friend in Wuhan. They enjoyed each other’s company in class, always talking about how their day was going and what they were going to do after school. Xinyi was hesitant on inviting Handong over to her father’s house, being traumatized by how her mother reacted to her friends. He was happy that she was at least making friends, letting her know that she could come over whenever she wanted. The two remained best friends through high school, supporting each other through thick and thin.

One summer, Handong had convinced her parents to let her go to Hong Kong with Xinyi. It caused a fight between the two, Xinyi panicked as Handong had doubted how bad her mother actually was. She had always made comments of Jinjing’s parenting, how she couldn’t do certain things, and how if she did something, her mother would’ve killed her. The two resolved the tension with the help of Dawei, he had a personal one on one talk with Handong about how much Xinyi hated her mother and the real reason why they had relocated to Wuhan. She was understanding and felt awful for pushing her away in that sense. Xinyi went to Hong Kong by herself that summer, calling Handong many times on the phone, sobbing about how much she wanted to come home.

In 2015, Handong confided in Xinyi about wanting to audition in Korea. Xinyi, who was still adjusting to the normal teen lifestyle apart from her mother, panicked while her mind explored various scenarios where Handong wouldn’t be with her anymore. Once the two finished high school, Handong and Xinyi put together a plan to move to South Korea, studying at Sejeong University while auditioning for many companies together. Xinyi was offered to train at JYP and SM Entertainment, while Handong never got a callback. The two auditioned for HappyFace Entertainment, where they were finally accepted together. They signed with the company in mid-2016, training for 5 months before debuting in Dreamcatcher.

i love mira i really do :c

#ficnetfairy #justmochi: mira #8th member of dreamcatcher #dreamcatcher 8th member #fake dreamcatcher oc #fake dreamcatcher member #dreamcatcher oc #fake kpop soloist #fake kpop idol #fake kpop addition #addition to kpop #oc!soloist #oc!idol #oc!kpop

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theweeklydiscourse · 9 months

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I’m nearly finished The Bear season 2 and I was just thinking about the way Claire and Carmy’s relationship reminded me of Mai and Zuko from ATLA. Just in the sense that the two relationships gave me similar feelings.

Claire is very beautiful and supposedly very witty but…it all feels so shallow. She is often praised by the supporting cast for her beauty and not only that, she works in the ER as a doctor! She teaches first aid and cpr to kids and comes across as a kind person, so what’s not to love? But that’s my thing, it feels like Claire lacks something that the other characters possess and it ultimately keeps me from liking her relationship with Carmy. She feels peripheral, which makes sense considering that she’s a side character, but even so I fail to see anything substantial in her and by extension, her relationship with Carmy.

Mai is similarly beautiful, but also doesn’t make me care about her relationship with Zuko. Nothing about her colours the relationship and makes me feel…well anything. They exchange lines like: “I hate everything, I don’t hate you pookie ❤️” that attempt to gesture at thier common ground, but only cements the fact that their relationship is superficial. They have a long history given that they’ve known each other since childhood, and yet I struggle to sense that much intimacy and knowing when they take their relationship to a romantic level.

The same can be said for Claire and Carmy. Childhood friends who lack a certain feeling of closeness and familiarity that might otherwise add to the contrast between Carmy’s chaotic life in the restaurant and the soothing normality of a relationship outside of it. Furthermore, just like Maiko their interactions mainly amount to banter without much thought as to Mai’s place in the relationship. Mai and Claire’s relationships are perfunctory, and while I can understand that they are used as devices to convey a certain message, they are still SO UNINTERESTING.

It might not be so bad if not for the fact that Carmy and Zuko just so happen to have more emotionally resonant moments with the respective female leads of their series. The flaws of these relationships would not be so pronounced if not for the fact that another more interesting, compelling and thematically relevant potential relationship was sitting right there. All this to say, I think that The Bear should just suck it up and take a chance on SydCarmy and learn from the mistakes of other shows.

#the bear #zuko #atla #zutara #sydcarmy #carmy berzatto #carmy x syd #anti maiko #the bear fx #anti bryke #fandom meta

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creativepawsworld · 1 year

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Silence -Chapter 46

Pairing = Thomas Shelby x OC

Summary = The Aftermath of finding the Adler’s in blood.

Warnings = Seriously 18+ , Language, Grammar, Alcohol, mentions of selling a person. Mentions of possible Death, Violent descriptions, Sexual Assault, Suicide mentioned. Child Abuse.

Word Count = 2438

Note = This chapter in my opinion is pretty heavy, with the lightest touch of fluff. I mean the lightest. It is dark and honestly it was tough to write as it was so mentally heavy? Does that make sense? Please everyone take care and remember this is only a fic, if you are uncomfortable with any of the warnings, i can recap in the next chapter just not as heavy...LOVE YOU ALL

Sitting at the Shelby family kitchen table I just stared at the wall in front of me. My vision was only slightly blurred by the hot steam coming from the tea cup Polly had placed before me. She was sitting next to me, unsure of what to say. Unusual for the matriarch.

Tommy had taken me back to his former home, it had happened all so fast. From him peering through the window to arriving at the black doors I had once feared. He had quickly informed Polly of what had happened before taking his brothers back to the crime scene.

I felt like something was wrong with me. No matter how much inner turmoil I was experiencing, I couldn't shed a tear, not one single tear. I just stared ahead of me, like it wasn't happening.

My mind went back to my childhood, growing up was far from easy but compared to most it was not hard. It wasn't like Tommy's upbringing, my mother didn't kill herself and my father wasn't a raging alcoholic who beat his children for fun.

Yes, my parents weren't perfect. My father had a temper, his face would turn purple when he yelled, and spit would fly from his mouth soaking our faces when he did, but he never hit us.

My mother, well my mother was more mentally and emotionally manipulative. I hadn't seen it until I spent time with the Shelby family. I spent twenty-five years of my life thinking everything that came out of her mouth was God's law.

"Has she moved?" I heard Tommy's voice interrupt the Silence Polly and I had been sitting in.

"No." Polly sighed, her hand reaching out. She took my hand into hers, giving it a tight squeeze of support.

"Alright, Stace," Tommy called. I saw him move closer towards me, squatting down low next to me. The smell of his cologne, smoke and whiskey filled my nose. "Stace…" He tried again, placing a hand on my upper thigh before softly caressing my bump.

Furrowing my eyebrows, I looked down just as Tommy jumped back slightly – he was just as startled as me. A small laugh fell from my lips as a smile grew on Tommy's face. Reaching out I pulled his hand back, placing it back on my stomach. Our blessing.

I could feel Polly's confused glare looking between us but all that matter at that moment was the fluttering sensations I felt inside my stomach, along with the odd thump which Tommy could feel.

Thinking back over my timeline, and doing the math inside my head I was just over halfway. It would have been 21 weeks and I was in no way prepared.

Standing to my feet, I quickly walked through the large green doors, entered the betting shop and disappeared into Tommy's office. Taking a pen and piece of paper into my hands, I began to write down everything I needed to do, get and buy for my baby. They were all that mattered now.

"Stace," Tommy sighed, quietly closing the door to his office behind himself. The rustling of clothing told me that he was shrugging the long black coat from his shoulders. "I need you to listen to me."

"I have to write this list. The baby is coming Tommy, they are all that matters now." I shook my head, not bothering to look up at him as the pen continued to scribble across the white sheet of paper.

"Not for a few weeks," Tommy replied, walking over to the desk, and taking the pen from my hand. I opened my mouth to protest when a quick look immediately shot me down. "Listen to me." He started again, tongue darting out to moisten them.

"Are they dead?" I whispered wanting a quick answer, hoping that it would be quick and painless instead of drawn out and torturous.

"No. They are in a bad way but they are not dead."

I felt my breath hitch in my throat, and wetness on my cheeks as I leaned back on Tommy's chair. My hand came up to cover my mouth, my mind replaying his words over and over. They were alive.

"They were taken to Birmingham General. I can take you, the car is outside but I must warn you, they may not make it. Your father in particular lost a lot of blood." Tommy spoke softly. So softly it was almost foreign coming from his mouth.

"What happened to them?" I asked breathily, my heart beating wildly in my chest. I could instantly see Tommy's reluctance in telling me. His tongue ran along the front of his top teeth as he thought about what to say.

"I don't…"

"Tell me," I demanded, a nauseous feeling taking over. I wasn't sure if it was from the baby moving or the events of today catching up with me. "Please, don't…stop, just stop hiding things from me."

Tommy's eyes fell to the floor as he considered my words. I chose to remain silent as I got out of his chair to stand in front of him. I could feel the tension radiating from him, as I slipped my hands into his, lacing our fingers together.

"Your father…your father suffered multiple stab wounds to his upper chest and torso. Whoever attacked him attempted to remove his tongue but must have been disturbed before they could finish." Tommy spoke. His tone was flat and cold, almost as if he was trying to distance himself from the words he had to speak.

"And my mother?" I asked trying to keep my face unaffected even though my head and insides were spinning. Tommy's tongue ran along his bottom lip before resting between his teeth.

"Stace,"

"Tommy you agreed. If I asked you wouldn't hide anything."

"If they ever, ever try and…I swear to God I would watch them all burn Stace. I will watch them…"

"It's okay Tom, I'm okay." I squeezed his hands tightly, stopping him mid-sentence knowing what he was about to say. I felt the bile rise in my throat as I finished his sentence in my head. As bad of a person I believed my mother to be no one, no one deserved that.

*****

Sitting in the hospital waiting room, Tommy sat by my side, smoking cigarette after cigarette. He was never comfortable inside a hospital. I couldn't blame him, I felt the same. It had this aura of death hanging around it.

The two men that guarded our front door were now positioned outside the hospital. Tommy put them there to protect my parents. I knew I wasn't going to be allowed out of his sight after Arthur returned from my parent's house, just before we left for the hospital with a white box addressed to me.

Opening the parcel inside the car under the supervision of Tommy and Arthur I found a loaf of beard. Pandoro bread.

A cold shiver ran through my body at the sight of the star-shaped loaf. I had only tried it once before with Lizzie but it was enough. Tommy was right. I had exposed myself openly to the Changretta's and this was their message.

Arthur sat in the corner of the hospital his leg shaking, bouncing up and down. His thumb was in his mouth nibbling on the skin as we waited for any kind of update on my parents' condition.

No one knew what to say, the silence was deafening.

I just stared at the doors, hands caressing my small but ever-growing bump, waiting for the doctor to come through the door. My mind wandered back to the last conservation I had with my mother, it was horrific.

I had just found out I was pregnant, it was happy news. Tarnished by the revelation that I was sold to pay a debt. I felt the tears in my waterlines as I thought about hearing that news for the first time. It floored me. Out of all the excuses, all the reasons my parents could have. That wasn't what I expected.

My father showed remorse. He regretted his decision I could see it in his eyes each time I spoke to him. Talking to him yesterday my heart broke, he hadn't been looking after himself again. There were huge bags under his eyes, he was thinner and paler.

I found myself forgiving but I wasn't sure if it was for him or myself.

I knew that keeping all that pent up wasn't good for me or the baby. But I was having difficulty letting it go. Every time the memory came to my mind, I cried.

"Miss Adler?" A voice called, turning in my seat towards a different set of doors, I noticed a nurse standing with a soft smile.

"Yeah?" I stood up, wringing my fingers between each other as I cautiously walked toward her. Her eyes dropped towards my bump, her smile faltering as I approached.

"The doctor would like to see you." She forced out a reassuring smile, eyes glancing behind me.

I felt Tommy step up behind me, hand placed on my lower back rubbing soft circles, to show his support. The nurse, instantly recognising him looked away, opening the set of double doors and allowing me to walk through.

Following her down a long corridor there were rooms on either side of Tommy and me, each one containing sick or injured patients. A dark feeling of dread washed over me as we approached the end of the corridor.

Without another word, the nurse knocked gently on the door but didn't open it. Instead, she turned with another smile, standing off to the side. Glancing up at Tommy, I could tell he was on edge, watching every move the nurse made, hand twitching at his side when the door opened revealing a much older gentleman.

"Are you Miss Adler?" The older gentleman asked. I felt Tommy relax next to me at the sight of the man in front of us. "Mr Shelby, it's been a while. Keeping out of trouble I presume."

Looking between the two men, my eyebrows furrowed in confusion before I recognised the grey-haired gentleman. He was one of the doctors looking after Tommy when he was brought in after our ambush with Sabini.

"Now Miss Adler, your parents…" The doctor began again not waiting for a response, I doubt he would have gotten one from Tommy. "Your father remains unconscious due to the injuries sustained in the attack but we believe him to make a full recovery."

"And my mother?" I asked, stopping my breath as I waited for the answer.

"She is recovering. Unfortunately, we have had to sedate her, the effects of the attack have left her highly volatile." The doctor sighed, eyes glancing towards Tommy.

"Oh okay, thank you." I nodded, unsure of how else to respond.

"You may see them if you please, Mr Shelby, can accompany you." He continued, handing over the clipboard I hadn't realised he was holding to the nurse, his eyes glancing at my stomach. "But be aware Miss Adler, they look worse than they are."

Nodding I reached my hand out for Tommy to take, instantly I felt the warmness of his hand in mine. Sending a small smile towards the doctor, the nurse opened the door he had just left to reveal the two beds inside the one room.

I stopped halfway inside, my eyes falling on the two beds where my parents lay. The sun shining through the tall window cast over them hiding the full extent of their injuries.

"If you need anything, I will be just outside." The nurse smiled, placing the clipboard in the slot provided at the end of the bed before disappearing back out the door.

Refusing to move, I bit the piece of skin at the corner of my lip – trying to decide whether or not I wanted to be there. Tears welled in my eyes, I felt myself shake and I couldn't pinpoint why.

I was completely overwhelmed. I had flashes of Tommy laying in the hospital bed and almost hated myself for wanting to be there for him but wanting to run away from my parents, especially when they needed me the most.

"Would you like to go home, Stace?" Tommy offered picking up on my discomfort. Glancing towards my parents in their beds before returning his gaze to me.

"In a minute" I whispered, willing myself forward, the soft heels of my shoes clicked along the tiled floor.

Reaching my father first, he was almost unrecognisable. His hair was pushed back out of his face, revealing a deep cut to his right temple. His eyes which I thought were black before had shades of purple, yellow and blue. His mouth had many small cuts from whatever weapon they had used to try and take his tongue.

His hands which lay just outside the blanket had cuts along the knuckles. He must have tried to fight back and defend himself. But he was so frail, I was sure he wouldn't stand a chance against a child, never mind a grown adult.

My heart began to break at the sight of him. I hiccupped back a cry as I brushed a few strands of his hair from his head before turning to my mother.

The drugs did nothing for her, she was bones with little skin. Her hollow cheeks had a deep cut, similar to Tommy's and some nasty bruising surrounded it. Closing my eyes I inhaled through my nose, part of me feeling guilty, believing that this was my fault.

Tommy almost sensing what was going through my head was quick to remind me that it was them that got involved with the Italians, long before I got involved with him. This was their own doing.

Silently agreeing with his words, I opened my eyes looking down at my mother's skeleton-like arms, dark bruises were beginning to form where they must have held her down. What kind of monsters attacks two elderly people?

"Tommy?" I whispered, gently rubbing the skin of my mother's wrist, turning to look at him over my shoulder. "What do we do now? What if they come for me?" I asked looking at the man who seemed to always have an answer.

I watched as Tommy inhaled deeply through his nose, his hand twitching in his pocket. This was the longest I had seen him go without a smoke today alone. His icy blue eyes stared into my own, and an almost sinister smile graced his face.

"Let em try."

*****

Extra note = Apologises to those who believed her parents to be dead, I did say they were potentially dead! I hope you all enjoyed reading this anyway. I really do appreciate every last one of you.

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