#shane madej..anxiety blanket of a man

[jankyunsolved]

Or, or, or

Love was a mysterious, sometimes painful thing. It made you blush, it made you shy, it made you happy, it made you anxious—and Ryan was feeling that last one all the time. For years his feelings for Shane floated around, poking and prodding at his ribs, and he tried to ignore it. He flinched away from Shane, made hand touches and close encounters a big deal just to keep some distance between them. Some would say it was toxic masculinity, some would say internalized homophobia, and Ryan? He didn’t know if it needed a label when he knew how it made him feel. 

And then more time was spent at Buzzfeed, with a variety of different people and Ryan experienced growth. And with that growth came an understanding of what he felt for Shane. 

But he was with Helen and Shane was with Sara, and they were happy. Why ruin something when it doesn’t need to be touched?

Then the “Break-Up” happened, and well, who needed love anyway?

After recovering with Mama Mia as his soundtrack to life and the Big Guy his mascot, Ryan opened himself up to another relationship. And for two years, he was in one of the most fulfilling relationships of his life. He was happy, and in love, and couldn’t imagine life without anyone else.

That’s when his feelings for Sara Rubin came entirely out of left field. One day she was just his friend, maybe one of his closest friends, and then the next day, WHAM! She held him as he wept on her couch, newly broken-hearted with a company just weeks away from it’s launch. 

A company that was weeks away from it’s launch that desperately needed all three of the creators in the office. But how? How could he work and create when his heart was bleeding?

“We’ll get through this,” Sara murmured, running her fingers through his hair with one hand and soothingly rubbing his back with the other. 

The turning point, the lightbulb moment, wasn’t her holding him until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore; it was later that evening after he exhausted himself to sleep and he finally woke up on her couch, blanket covering him and Obi nestled at his feet. He could smell something warm and spicy coming from the kitchen, but what snagged his attention was what he thought was a warm pillow beneath his head was actually Sara’s lap. Her hand was still in his hair. 

His breath increasing must’ve tipped her off. “You awake?” she asked softly. 

“Yeah.”

“I stole your keys and gave them to Shane. He went to get you some clothes.”

“Okay.”

“You can stay here,” she leaned forward so she could look him in the eye. “For as long as you need. Forever, if it has to be.”

And just like that, with the promise of forever, a very small spark burst to life in his chest. 

——-

Things continued, got better, the bleeding slowed and his heart began to mend. And like last time (like always, maybe forever) Shane and Sara were in his corner, two of a handful of his cheerleaders keeping him together like glue. 

Watcher launched, flourished, gained over half a million subscribers and BUN was back for another season. Getting to spend so much time with Shane was comforting, was maybe something more? But spending less time at Buzzfeed meant less time with Sara. He missed their coffee breaks, their passing conversations as Ryan made his rounds around the office, their daily giggles while they ate. 

Sara definitely noticed and arranged regular weeknight dinners at their place. And maybe some weekends they went to Disney or the movies or the park or the beach or, or, or…

——-

This is it. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna ask them to dinner. 

Ryan Bergara, man of many fears, was about to text Shane Madej and Sara Rubin if they wanted to get dinner. And not just dinner, which they did several days a week, but fancy dinner. Ryan wasn’t going to wear his jeans with rips in the knees, even though he knew Shane liked them. And he wasn’t going to wear his sheer white shirt either, a favorite of the couple (he noticed when they looked, okay?). The black pants that showed his ankles and made his butt look fantastic were already ironed and ready to go. And he was going to wear one of his new pink button ups with the short sleeves. They showed his arms, and Sara liked his arms. 

But first he had to text them. 

He paced around his house, starting downstairs in the kitchen and traveling around the entire first floor before he made his way to his bedroom, grateful that his roommates weren’t home; they would have teased him mercilessly if they were there. 

He sat on the edge of his bed, held his phone in his hand, and stared at the group text that was just the three of them.  He already made the dinner reservations. He just needed to text them and ask. 

Finally, with his thumbs barely cooperating, Ryan typed, ‘Are you both free on Friday for dinner?’

All he had to do was be brave and press send. 

He watched the three dots appear then disappear for a solid minute before it stopped altogether. Fuuuuuuck. They’re turning me down. They’re turning me down because I’m annoying. They’re gonna stop being my friend starting tonight. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It took almost two minutes before Sara finally responded. 

Sara: Sure! Right after work? Are you thinking Mexican? Thai?

He tried to tell himself to take his time to respond, but also, why? 

Ryan: I actually have a reservation. At Maude.

Not ten seconds after pressing send, he was getting a FaceTime call from Sara. For a moment, he thanked whoever was watching over him that he wasn’t sweating through his shirt. Then he kicked off his shoes, climbed into bed and forced himself to relax as if he was that cool, calm, and collected all the time. He put one arm behind his head and exhaled hard. 

Then he accepted the call and forced a smile. 

“Bergara!”

He couldn’t help but laugh as Shane and Sara appeared with their faces smashed together to see him on Sara’s phone. “Maude?! Do you know how impossible it is to get in there?!” Sara shrieked, while Shane gesticulated wildly and made attempts to speak. 

“Yeah. I made the reservation like...three months ago.”

“THREE MONTHS AGO?!” Shane and Sara cried together. They looked at each other before looking back at the phone. 

Ryan was trying to be nonchalant but he knew he was missing the mark by a mile. “So will you have dinner with me?”

The small smile that Shane had, with his head tilted just slightly soothed Ryan. He could see pink spreading across his cheeks and over his nose.  “We’d love to go to dinner with you. Always, Ry.” Sara nodded, tucking her head into Shane’s shoulder, trying to hide her own blush. They were both being so soft. Ryan had to swallow thickly and force himself to stay quiet; he didn’t want to say anything that could ruin this.

They were quiet for a moment, just looking at each other and then looking away, only to return and look at each other again. Finally, Ryan cleared his throat and said,  “I want to make this clear, I am asking you on a date. The both of you.”

“Duh, Ryan,” Sara said, mock glaring at the phone, pretending to be offended that Ryan would even suggest that they misunderstood his intentions. “A man doesn’t just ask his ghoul friends to dinner at Maude for fun.”

“You’re right,” Ryan said, flexing and watching Sara and Shane’s eyes follow the movement. The fact that they both licked their lips made Ryan’s face flush, but also made the ball of anxiety in his gut clench. Did they think he was just thirsty? (No doubt was he thirsty, but there were also feelings involved too.) Were they just interested in sleeping with him? (He doubted it, but…)

Shane tilted his head, squinted, and then he sighed. Ryan squirmed at the look in his eye, the anxiety clawing at his throat, trying to escape. “You’re flexing and being cool over there, but I can see the absolute terror in your eyes. Are you okay?”

Without thinking, Ryan said, “Honestly? I could cry,” His laugh came out strangled. Sara pulled away from Shane’s neck and made a sound of concern. 

“You wanna come over?” Sara asked. “I feel like you need a hug.”

Ryan sat up a little straighter. A hug would probably solve all his current problems and rid the anxiety manifesting in his body. He ran his fingers through his hair before rubbing at his chest, wishing his heart would slow down. He needed to release the tension in his body before it snapped under the pressure. 

And one of his favorite ways to do that was make his friends laugh. 

“I don’t put out before the first date.”

Shane choked on his own spit and Sara snorted, slapping a hand over her mouth. Ryan smiled and took a deep breath. Already, he was beginning to feel a little better. 

After getting his breath back, Shane said, “Get over here, Bergara!”

Ryan never put his shoes on so fast in his life. 

#Shyanara #fic by me #Shyanara Fic #I wrote this before the end of Shyanara fest but I forgot to post it so here is some more OT3 goodness! #OT3: Ruining Mystery