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#seungkwan oneshot
cheolism · 1 year
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✧ seungkwan x reader
✧ summary: you and seungkwan were new to relationships, and netiher of you felt rushed to do anything. six months in, and you both still haven't had sex. but then you start looking at his hands and thighs, and find you just can't help yourself.
✧ wc is approx 5.8k
✧ warnings/tags: virgin! reader, virgin! seungkwan; seungkwan is mentioned to be reader's first kiss. pet names, tons of consent; reader has a wild mind. reader is female-coded. awkward and sweet first times, laughter during sex. riding thighs; fingering; cumming in underwear. reader is demi coded. confessions during sex. seungkwan gets called (jokingly) princess except now i'm thinking abt it more. seungkwan is a romantic; mingyu is nosey; seungcheol has bad movie taste (sorry bb)
✧ note: send me a message if you think any more tags/warnings should be added! not edited. google told me i switch between british grammar and american, so if there's extra vowels thrown into places just ignore it :)
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Seungkwan never made you feel rushed. 
The two of you walked the path of your relationship at your own pace. Mingyu said the two of you were moving slowly, too slowly, but you never felt like you were. Your relationship moved at its own pace, one comfortable to the both of you, and neither of you minded it. 
Your first kiss had been in your front hallway as he dropped you off after your first official date. He had bitten his lip, glancing between your mouth and eyes as you talked about how you had enjoyed the night. 
Then, you let your smile blossom. You stepped to him, the tip of your shoe brushing against his. “You can kiss me if you want to,” you had muttered, looking at his pretty mouth. “But know you’ll be my first, so I won’t know what to do.”
Seungkwan’s answering smile was brilliant, and he slowly reached up to cup your face. His hands were large, encompassing your cheeks. He lowered his face, nose brushing yours. “Is it bad that makes me happy? Knowing I’ll be your first kiss?”
Your hands made their way into his shirt, curling into the fabric and tugging. You pushed up, letting your lips brush against his in answer. 
During a truth and dare session that followed after your first kiss, Mingyu, who made it his business to know your business, asked you when your first kiss was. When you had answered honestly, that it was only a few weeks before and with Seungkwan, Mingyu had gasped, as if it was rare for someone your age to have gone all this time without kissing. 
But, remembering how Seungkwan’s lips gently moved against yours, pressing and giving and guiding, you couldn’t be bothered to be offended. Not when you knew how precious your first kiss had been; not when you had shared it with Boo Seungkwan. 
Despite Seungkwan’s experience in kissing, which he assured you was hardly any, the relationship between the two of you brought a lot of new experiences for the both of you. Neither of you had really dated before one another, finding a different sort of loneliness in your young adulthood that your friends never seemed to share. 
“I’ve never brought someone to meet my grandma,” Seungkwan admitted as you parked outside his grandma’s home. 
“I’ve never kissed anyone in a theater before,” Seungkwan confessed as you pulled away from where you had leaned across the seat.
“No one’s ever called me that before,” Seungkwan admitted as you mouthed against his neck one evening, a breathy darling leaving your lips. 
“I’ve never spent Valentines with a partner,” He had laughed as the two of you were rejected from the restaurant, which was filled to the brim with couples who had the same idea as you for the Valentines evening. 
“I’ve never had sex before,” He had blurted during the evening of your fourth-month anniversary. You blinked from across the kitchen island at him, holding the saucepan in one hand and the wooden spoon in the other as you were preparing his pasta plate. “Just -- just in case you’re wanting . . .”
“Well, I’m not in a rush if you’re not.”
And so it was just another thing the two of you had decided to breach when the moment came. You didn’t want to plan for it; didn’t want to force the moment. It would happen when it did, and the best either of you could do was prepare for when it did happen. 
Not that you didn’t want to. 
Sometimes you looked at Seungkwan and couldn’t help but feel a need, a desperation, that was entirely foreign. One that had you battling the urge to grab him from where he stood talking to Seokmin, laughing and brushing back his stray bangs that had managed to escape his pushed-back hair, pulling him away from his friend and into the car for some privacy. 
One horrifying time it had happened when he was cooing at a baby. He was reaching out, fingers brushing against the infant’s soft cheek, complimenting her on how sweet she was. Seungkwan’s lips were curling, obviously endeared by the baby, eyes soft and gentle and filled with a sort of adoration that reminded you of how he looked at you.
You were absolutely appalled at your urge to whisk him away from the baby and jump him, to press your hands underneath his shirt and feel his stomach flex as you pressed desperate kisses to his neck and collar. 
Seungkwan was turning you into some sort of degenerate. Some wanton, promiscuous, shameless, licentious creature that woke up with soaked underwear and the image of Seungkwan’s bare thighs still at the forefront of your mind.
Even now, sitting next to Seungkwan and watching a movie, those salacious thoughts sent wetness gushing from your pussy and had you shifting in your seat, fighting to keep your cool.
It wasn’t as if the two of you were watching anything pornographic. It was some movie Seungcheol had suggested, one with too many fights and villains and not enough plot or good writing. You had attempted to watch it, of course you had. Date night, whether it was sitting on your couch and watching a movie or walking alongside the river, hand in hand, was something that never failed to brighten your day and put a smile on your face. 
But after another cliche, misogynistic comment by the red-headed love interest who served as nothing more than a plot device, you rolled your eyes and chanced a look at Seungkwan. Seungkwan didn’t like action movies, had gotten bored watching the Dark Night and would much rather see a good romance (your first “argument” had been over whether Love, Actually, was actually any good and how only two aspects of the movie didn’t salvage the entire thing from being bad). 
The romance between the lead and the love interest was enough to keep Seungkwan keyed in on the movie. He watched with wide eyes as the red head pressed a kiss to the lead’s lips before rushing away, ashamed at her bravery. 
Your Boo Seungkwan was so fucking cute, you couldn’t help but think. There was a blush on his cheeks and on his ears as he watched the lead run after the red head and sweep her up into a classic Hollywood-style kiss. He watched eagerly, practically drinking the scene up. 
Then he licked his lips and it was game over for you. 
Seungkwan’s mouth, which you had stared at far too often, was small and pouty and constantly tempting. A day without kissing Seungkwan was a day wasted, in your opinion. 
His hair was slightly wavy from the shower he took before coming over, brown bangs brushing against the edges of his eyes, where his lower and upper lids kissed. It had grown longer in the months the two of you had been dating, and you never ever dared complain. 
From his hair your gaze went to his ears. There was your favorite place to kiss besides his lips (and neck and collar and shoulder and the spot where his neck and collar met, and his --). Three beauty marks, perfectly spaced, practically begging for the brush of your lips. 
Movement brought your eyes from his ears. Seungkwan’s eyes were still trained on the movie, but he had begun pushing up the sleeves of his hoodie. His forearms flexed, veins appearing, and you were transfixed as you watched his hands, his impossibly beautiful and elegant hands, slid up his forearms to push up his sleeves. His fingers were long and smooth, the veins of his hands prominent. 
What did it say about you, you wondered, that you had dreams of those hands. That you had dreamt before about his hands running up your thighs, fingers skimming the hem of your shorts; his fingers pressing against the wet spot in your underwear, the tips of his fingers dipping underneath the waistband of your underwear; the pads of his fingers brushing against your clit. 
Fuck. 
Your heart in your throat, you shifted against the couch. The insides of your thighs brushed against your underwear, the cold wetness that soaked it shocking you. 
“This is a good movie,” Seungkwan said, bringing your attention from where his hands had settled on his thighs. “I really like the romance in it.”
You glanced at the screen. The lead was verbally fighting his mentor in a moment that would, surely, lead to a horrific death scene from the mentor where the lead was choking out apologies. “Yeah. I can see why Seungcheol liked it.”
Seungkwan hummed. Your eyes went back to his thighs. 
His thighs. Seungkwan opted for wearing shorts more often than not, and everytime you were gifted with the sight of his smooth, tanned skin you wanted to fall to your knees. His thighs were meaty from hours filled with cardio, and you constantly wanted to dig your fingers into the flesh and feel. 
You wanted to press hot, open-mouthed kisses to his thighs in worship; suck them, nibble at them, listen to Seungkwan’s breathy whines as you teased him. You wanted to feel them squeeze around your shoulders as you took his cock into your mouth, wanted to feel them beneath your own thighs as you bounced on his cock. 
You could feel the wetness that trickled from your pussy, could the slide of it. Your pussy clenched around nothing in desperation. Shame flooded through you, and you took a heavy breath, feeling as though you hadn’t been breathing all this time. 
Thighs clenching, you threw one over the other and squeezed in an attempt to quench your thirst. 
All it did, however, was get Seungkwan’s attention. Your boyfriend glanced at you, head tilted. “You okay?”
You smiled at him, reaching out and setting your hand on his and squeezing. “Yeah. Just getting hungry is all.”
“We can order something now, if you want,” Seungkwan offered. “I can pause the movie.”
You laughed breathlessly, leaning against him and burrowing your face into his shoulder. Seungkwan smelled good, as he always did. Like laundry softener and lavender, cotton sheets and freshness. 
“We can order after.” You said, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. “It’s not so bad.”
Seungkwan angled his head to press an awkward kiss to your hair. Then he went back to watching the movie. 
The hunger in your stomach was nothing compared to the hunger, lust, you felt for him. 
You licked your lips, eyeing the full curve of his cheeks and the hardness of his jaw. Like a parched man offered a cup of water, you desperately drank him in. The stretch of his neck, unmarked; the beauty marks near his ear; the angle of his fingers as he reached up and brushed his bangs away from his eyes, how they softly settled back on his thighs. 
Seungkwan’s navy blue shorts had ridden up, revealing the meatiness of his thighs that had you swallowing nothing, pussy clenching around nothing. 
You wanted your mouth on those thighs, wanting your hands on them. You wanted to be sat on them, pussy grinding down, clit dragging against his bare skin and riding them. 
Slowly, without drawing his attention from the movie, your hand went to his thigh. Seungkwan’s hand went to yours, fingers lacing together instinctively, and you wanted to curse at your boyfriend’s innocence while you were suffering. 
You took your time unwinding your hand from his. First you started with your thumb brushing gently against his warm skin. Then you shifted your hands so only your middle three fingers were tangled with his, your pinky laying against his thigh and thumb constantly kissing his skin. 
Seungkwan huffed when you fully separated your hands, turning to you with a pout. “Why aren’t you holding my hand, Y/n?”
You chuckled at his whine, peering up at him. Your heart was full of adoration for the boy next to you, and you wondered if your eyes were dripping honey from how sweet he made you feel. 
How ironic it was that Seungkwan had your heart feeling as if it would burst out sunshine while also making your pussy constantly gushed wetness. 
“What a baby,” you teased, nudging his shoulder with yours. “Why don’t you put your arm around me so we can cuddle, baby?”
Seungkwan huffed, still looking offended. But he did as you suggested, his arm going around your shoulders and hugging you to his side. His warmth melted into you, and the position leaning into him, one of your thighs over the other, allowing you to frantically squeeze in a foolish attempt to ease the throbbing of your pussy. 
However, this position allowed you to do something important. 
With his hand brushing against your shoulder, it gave you free reign over his thigh. You settled your hand on his thigh, face towards the television in an attempt to make it seem mindless. His thigh flexed against your hand before relaxing, and you squeezed in response. 
The two of you sat for a handful of moments, Seungkwan content while your fingers brushed against his thighs. He was deeply immersed in the movie still, watching as the mentor was killed by the villian. 
Your hand shifted, sliding up his thigh and stopping where his shorts had ridden up. You tapped your forefinger against his flesh, trying to keep up the relaxed appearance. 
You wanted to suffocate between his thighs. Wanting to take them into your mouth and suck and bite, wanting to pinch and listen to his cries as you swallowed around his cock and knead them. Wanted to hold onto them as you dragged your throat down his cock, his length bringing tears to your eyes as you swallowed his cock back down and took it deep. 
Your pussy gushed again. You couldn’t salvage your underwear, no way. 
Maybe you could take them off and leave them somewhere he could see, you wondered. You imagined him taking notice of your underwear, imagined the red blush that would take over his face. Imagined him bending down, hesitant as he reached to grab them. Imagined him feeling the wet spot left by your pussy; him slowly bringing your underwear up and to his nose, smelling the fragrance of your cunt. 
Fuck, fuck. 
Your hand moved again, sliding underneath his shorts and towards his inner thigh. You still fought to look at the television. 
Seungkwan sucked in a breath from beside you. He snapped his head towards you as you squeezed the fat of his thigh, your name leaving his lips in something crossed between a warning and a sigh. 
You glanced at him, brows furrowed in false confusion. “Something wrong, darling?”
He stared at you for a moment more. You waited for him to admonish you, for him to ask you to remove your hand; for him to draw the line. You’d stop, of course, would retract your hand and press a kiss to his cheek in apology. 
But he did none of those things. Instead Seungkwan pressed his lips together, narrowed his eyes at you, and then went back to watching the movie. 
Grinning and feeling like the cat that got the canary, your hand sunk further into his shorts. Seungkwan took a long, shuddering breath as your fingers brushed against the edge of his underwear. You played with the edge, smoothing your fingers over and under it, nails brushing against his skin. 
“How’s the movie, baby?”
Seungkwan tightened his jaw. “Good.”
“It’s good?” You responded, biting at your lip to suppress your grin and doing a bad job of it. Seungkwan nodded. 
You shifted, turning on your side and rising. His eyes immediately snapped to you. “Keep watching the movie, baby. You said it was good.”
“What are you --”
“Don’t pay me any attention,” you said. When Seungkwan didn’t look away from you, your free hand went to his jaw. You softly nudged his face with your fingers, turning it from you and to the television. “That’s a good boy.”
The answering inhale from Seungkwan had your pussy clenching once more. You hummed, moving to your knees. You pressed your face into his neck, nose pressing against his warm skin, lips ghosting. Your hand pressed up the fabric of his shorts, bearing his thigh, before it settled over the bulge pressing against his underwear. 
Seungkwan let out another shaky breath, his eyebrows furrowing. The arm that was around you moved, clutching at your shirt. 
You kissed his neck, keeping your hand still. “You good?”
He hummed, a slightly shrill noise. 
“Shall I keep going?”
You could feel his answering nod against your head. “I need words, babe.”
“Please,” he begged, voice breathy and the hand in your shirt repositioning to grab more of it and clench. A blush high onto his cheeks. 
You pressed a sweet, chaste kiss to his skin. Slowly, gently, you began moving your hand against his clothed dick. Your hand moved in a constant soothing motion, rubbing. “You might have to tell me what to do, baby.”
“Touch --” Seungkwan cleared his throat. You kissed his neck again, though this was unlike any of the innocent kisses you had been laying. You kissed his neck as if you were kissing his mouth, lips rolling against his skin. “Touch me, please.”
“I am,” you reminded him. You pressed your heel down on his bulge in proof. 
Seungkwan moved his face towards you. His face was still flushed, his brows still furrowed and lips still pouting. His dark eyes were wide, pupils large. “Please.”
You pulled away from him in response. He made a protesting noise, moving to reach for you and pull you back. You moved farther away from him, hands meeting his and stopping him. “Take off your hoodie, Seungkwan.”
He compiled, making quick work of his baby blue hoodie and throwing it to the floor. Seungkwan’s shoulders had broadened due to his hard work at the gym, and the muscle on his biceps were impressive. 
You drank him in eagerly. His chest wasn’t as tanned as the rest of him, but it still had you practically drooling. Working out had given definition to his chest, had given weight to his pecs. You wondered what they would feel like in your hands, what they would look like decorated with red and purple bruises left by your mouth.
His breathless whine of your name brought you out of your imagination. You stood from the couch, hands going to the waist of your pants. “This okay, Kwannie?”
At his answering nod, you were shoving your pants down to your ankles. You kicked them off, ignoring Seungkwan’s shocked inhale, and then were climbing on top of him. 
Your hands went to his shoulders, pushing him back and flush against the couch. You straddled one of his thighs, knees on either side with one brushing against his bulge. His hands went to your shirt, yours smoothing down his biceps and squeezing the muscle. “Tell me if you’re nervous. Okay?”
Seungkwan laughed breathlessly. “Of course I’m nervous. I’m about to lose my virginity to the love of my life.”
Your eyes widened, and his immediately followed suit. Both of you froze against one another, hands still, breaths suspended. 
Then your heart swelled, feeling as though someone had filled it with sun. You laughed breathlessly, hands sliding up his biceps and shoulders to cradle his neck. Pressing close, you brought your mouth to his and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. 
“And the love of my life is a massive dork,” you said, nose pressing against his cheek. 
His mouth sought yours in answer, pressing an open-mouthed kiss there. Your hands moved to his hair, fingers sinking into the strands and tugging. His tongue went to the seam of your lips and you opened them easily, tongue sliding against his. 
Seungkwan’s hands began wandering, moving from your shirt to the hem. His fingers slipped beneath your shirt, pressing against the base of your spine. Seungkwan broke away from the kiss, his mouth smeared with spit. “This okay?”
“It’s okay,” you returned, taking his lower lip between your lips and sucking. Seungkwan moaned, a deep sound that seemed so at odds with your lovely boy. 
His hands went up your back, nails scraping against your skin. Your mouth wandered from his, pressing open-mouthed kisses to his chin and underneath it. One of your hands moved from his hair, ghosting over his chest. You felt his stomach jump underneath your fingers as you pressed your palm there. “Okay?”
Seungkwan nodded. You took pity on him and didn’t ask again. Your mouth skimmed his neck before attaching to the part where it met his shoulder, taking the skin between your teeth and before sucking. His chest moved against yours as he sucked in a deep breath. 
Then you settled your hand over his bulge, squeezing through his shorts. Seungkwan let out a loud groan in response, his neck straining as he tossed his head back. 
You began marking in earnest in response to his moans and groans, hand smoothing over his dick, rubbing it through the fabric. His nails began to dig into the skin of your back, scraping and pinching.
Soon enough Seungkwan began panting, his breath hot and heavy in your ear. You shifted, sucking another hickey onto his collar, before pulling away. “Hold onto me. Okay, baby?”
Seungkwan’s hands moved from your back to your hips, holding as you asked. You sat back, separating your torso from his and taking a good look at your boyfriend. His blush not only was on his cheeks but spread down his neck, the flush joining the red blossoms left by your mouth in painting a picture of a debauched man. 
His thigh flexed beneath you. Taking the opportunity, you grinded down. Your pussy dragged against his thigh, creating a faint spark of friction that sent another gush of fluid. 
Seungkwan gasped, mouth dropping open and head tipping. “Fuck,” he hissed, brows meeting. “Fuck. You’re so fucking wet.”
You laughed, grinding down again. His hands gripped at your hips, nails digging in. You took care to ensure your clit dragged down, the movement making your mouth go ajar and hips cock forward once more in an attempt to feel the relief once more.
“Can you,” Seungkwan began, his voice deep and dark and sending another gush of wetness out of your pussy and further soaking your underwear. Seungkwan let out a little moan at feeling the wetness taint your underwear, soaking his bare thighs. “Can you cum? Just from that?”
“I don’t know,” you honestly replied. “I feel like I could.”
Then your hands were back on him, going to his waistband. You used one hand to pry open his shorts and underwear, holding it open for your other hand to slide down his pelvis, feeling the little curls of the hair there brush against your palm. 
When your fingers brushed against the base of his dick, you couldn’t help but pause. Your eyes went up to his, unsure. Seungkwan’s hands squeezed your hips. “You don’t have to. We can -- we can stop.”
You shook your head. You moved your hand, skin gliding against his dick. It felt impossibly big and heavy in your hand. Seungkwan shivered, eyes fluttering shut and head going back to rest against the couch. 
More curious than anything, you moved your hand over his dick, exploring. You mapped the veins of it, following them down to the head. You pushed your thumb against the head, wetness from it spurting out onto your hand. 
Seungkwan let out a weak exhale. “We -- usually I use lube or something. It. It makes it easier.”
You retracted your hand from his pants. You offered it to him, palm out. Seungkwan closed his eyes, inhaling. Then he leaned forward, tongue poking out from his mouth. He began running his tongue over your hand, spreading his spit. 
Absent-mindedly you began rocking your hips, grinding your pussy against his thigh once more. His tongue ran over your palm and fingers, coating it in his spit. You thought about his tongue on your wrist, your shoulder; then your breast, dragging down your stomach and to your pussy. 
You leaned forward against his thigh, bearing down on him and grinding down aggressively. You lowered your head, hair falling and framing your face. One of Seungkwan’s hands left your hips, moving to grab the wrist of the hand he had been licking -- licking!!!! 
Seungkwan tugged. You looked up. “Here. Get off for a moment.”
You did as he asked, stumbling. Seungkwan raised his hips off the couch, pulling down his shorts and letting them drop beside the couch. Then he shimmied away, moving so he was laying down the length of the couch. He looked embarrassed, laying there, nearly entirely bare for your eyes. 
“Get on me,” Seungkwan said, though it sounded more like a question than anything. “Straddle my -- my --” 
His face was a brilliant shade of red, and he turned away from you to look at the ceiling. Once Seungkwan wasn’t looking at you he was able to speak. “Straddle my dick and grind down on it.”
Never one to object from a good idea, you slowly made your way on top of Seungkwan. Your knees dug into the couch on either side of his hips, and when you positioned yourself so your pussy was directly over his clothed dick, the both of you let out matching moans. 
His hands went to your hips again. Seungkwan slowly began guiding you into a gentle rocking motion, letting your pussy guide up and down his bulge, letting you grind down on him and use his length. 
You leaned forward, hands bracing on his chest. His loud pants and broken moans filled your ears, clouding your brain. You dragged your pussy down his length and back up it, using it like you would your own hand. Each drag was delicious, had you shoving yourself back down and searching for more friction, for more press. 
“Wait,” Seungkwan panted. You looked up at him. He was breathing heavily, bangs beginning to stick to his forehead from his sweat. “I’ll -- I think I’ll come from this.”
“Just from this?” You asked, brow furrowed. You grinded down on him and Seungkwan let out a loud groan in response, eyes fluttering and tipping his head back. 
Delighted, you kept on moving on top of Seungkwan, watching him. Your boyfriend was always so expressive. You knew when he was mad, irritated, when he was happy or amused. Watching him now, brows furrowed, face red and mouth parted with sweet moans escaping his lips, you had another face to add to your mental catalogue.
Then his jaw dropped; his grip on your hips tightened and his hips were bucking up, a loud, low moan ripping from his mouth. You watched, amazed, as Seungkwan thrusted up into you twice more before his voice broke off. 
He stilled beneath you, going lax. Seungkwan’s chest heaved, and his hands left your hips to hide his face. He let out a high little whine. “I can’t believe I did that.”
You shifted up his body, reaching for his hands and prying them away from his face. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Seungkwan pouted, sticking out his lower lip. “I’m fine. Just have to live with the knowledge that I came in my pants the first time I ever had sex for the rest of my life.”
You laughed, leaning down and kissing his pout. “It’s okay,” you giggled, kissing his mouth twice more before moving to kiss his cheeks. “It’s cute.”
Seungkwan narrowed his eyes at you. His hands returned to your body, and then he was moving you off of him. You went easily, letting Seungkwan guide you to lay against the other end of the couch. “What’s up, babe?”
“Your turn,” Seungkwan announced, determination heavy on his tongue. He grabbed two pillows that had fallen off the couch. Seungkwan settled one beneath your head; his fingers ran down over your shirt before he found your hips, lifting them up to settle the other pillow. “This good?”
You hummed, shaking your hips. “Comfy as can be!”
Seungkwan huffed. Then his fingers -- his long, beautiful fingers that you dreamt of -- were pulling down at your underwear. You lifted your hips off the pillow so he could guide them down your legs. Seungkwan dropped them beside the couch, and you watched, tongue flicking out to run over your lips in anticipation, as his hands went to your ankles. 
For a moment he just stared at you. Like you were a piece of art, a Mona Lisa amongst masterpieces, an angel amongst humans. His dark eyes took in your wild hair, the heaving of your chest; where your shirt had ridden up, revealing the soft curve of your stomach, the hair surrounding your pussy. 
“Tell me when to stop.” Seungkwan said. His hands ran along your legs as he spread them out, making room to be between them. Goosebumps raised along the trail his fingers left behind. 
Your pussy gushed in anticipation. Your heart seemed to stop, and you know for a fact your brain did. His fingers hovered over your thighs, ghosting your skin. 
Then his hands were on your pussy. One of his hands held it open, fingers splayed around your lips. His other hand went to your clit, thumb attaching itself to it. Immediately you gasped, hips bearing down in an attempt to seek more.
Seungkwan laughed breathlessly, watching. His thumb pressed down on your clit, offering itself. “God. You really are soaked. I didn’t realize you could get so wet.”
You furrowed your brow. One of your hands gripped at the cushion beneath you, the other moving to grip at the cushion pressed against your side. You continued grinding down on his thumb, feeling the friction mount within your gut. 
Seungkwan continued talking all the while, eyes still watching your pussy. As he talked he maneuvered his hand, fingers brushing against your entrance. “I knew pussies --” Another wave of wetness escaped from your pussy after that word, that crude, horrid, delightful word, left his lips. “-- got wet. But fuck. Your underwear was drenched, baby. And your pussy? It’s soaking. If I put my mouth down there I’d fucking drown, I think.”
The image of Seungkwan’s head between your thighs, mouth attaching itself to your pussy and clit, sent a moan from your lips. His fingers continued moving, one of them dipping into your entrance. “It’s like. It’s like your pussy is begging me to put something in.”
“Please,” You whispered, hips bucking into his hold. “Please, Kwannie.”
Then two of his fingers were dipping inside you. If he tried to move slowly, it was to no avail; your pussy greedily sucked him in, squeezing around his digits as if they were his dick instead. 
You gasped, feeling as his fingers, which had a better angle than yours ever did, stretched your walls. He didn’t move them much, shifting every few seconds. His thumb continued to work against your clit, however, and you felt something tightening in your gut, as if someone was pulling a string taut. 
“Fuck,” Seungkwan breathed, “fuck you’re beautiful.”
And then the string was cut, and your orgasm washed over you in wave after wave. Seungkwan kept pressing his thumb against your clit, his fingers inside you. Your eyes squeezed shut as your body tightened and released, and as it released you felt as if every single worry you ever had about anything left with the tension. 
Slowly, as to not harm you, Seungkwan removed his fingers. You let out a soft little whine as he did, eyes opening just enough to watch him. He held his hand up, splaying out his fingers. Your fluids glistened in the light, strings of it connecting his fingers. 
You forced your eyes shut. Seungkwan shifted off the couch. For a moment there was quiet. 
“Uh. I didn’t bring another pair of underwear.”
You looked at him. He had your discarded pants in one hand, the other hand burrowed into the fabric -- no doubt getting your fluids off of his hand. You looked over his body, taking in the muscles of his thighs and calves and arms. The golden skin, the beauty marks and moles that decorated him. 
You wanted to press him to the bed and kiss each and every single mark.
For another time, you decided. Instead you slowly moved into a sitting position, kicking out the pillow from beneath your hips. “I’ll have to throw them into the wash. I think I have something that’ll fit you.”
“It’ll take all night to get clean,” Seungkwan mumbled, pouting. 
You grinned, opening your arms. Seungkwan dropped your pants and went to you, sliding his arms around your shoulders and yours going around his middle. You pressed a kiss to his stomach, enjoying the feel of it against your cheek. 
“Then you’ll just have to stay the night.”
Seungkwan sighed. “I guess.”
You mocked him, screwing up your face and peering at him. “How horrible of me to offer for my boyfriend, who took my first kiss and my virginity, to spend the night. Should’ve kicked you out as soon as I finished.”
“Please,” Seungkwan said, rolling his eyes. “You were so wowed by my performance you couldn’t even move.”
You burrowed your face back into his stomach. “Whatever you say, princess. I’ll throw the clothes into the wash, you order our food? And we can just eat in bed and cuddle?”
Seungkwan hummed, fingers running along your shoulders. His hands settled on either side of your head, moving your face from his stomach. You pouted up at him. “I mean, I guess that’ll be all right. I suppose you want Mexican.”
You nodded, lips parting in a wide smile. Seungkwan laughed, and then he leaned down to press a kiss to your forehead. “We’ll have to start the movie over again.”
“What movie?”
Seungkwan paused, pulling away to look down at you. “Uh. The movie Seungcheol recommended?”
“Oh,” you said. “Okay. So. Here’s the thing. That movie fucking sucks.”
Seungkwan’s eyes widened. “But -- the romance! The chemistry between the mains! You can’t tell me that you don’t see it!”
You stood. The wetness between your thighs had begun to stick, and you couldn’t help but wince. “Yeah, no. We’re not watching it.”
“But --” Seungkwan pouted, sticking out his lips and widening his eyes. It was his classic puppy-eyed look, the one that had you handing everything to him on a silver platter. “But baby! If you love me like you said you do, you’ll replay the movie and watch it with me!”
Sighing, you went to him. You cupped his cheeks in your hands, rising to your heels and pressing a kiss to his lips. “I do love you, Boo Seungkwan. So much.
“But I don’t love you that much.”
1K notes · View notes
beefboyandbabygirl · 8 months
Note
this is my first (1st!!) ever request so im sorry if im not clear or if anything is too vague.. </3 just had a thought about virgin!svt member (any one of your choice) x experienced but shy reader?? like they usually tease each other like crazy and reader is kind of cocky and all bratty (basically all talk) but when it comes to actual sex they're unexpectedly crazy shy and the member just 😞😞 cant get enough... im just curious about how you'd write the dynamic :) it can be vice versa as well! feel free to write about whoever comes to mind when you read this!
- anon 🐱❤️
oh my gooood im so honored to be ur first request hihi <3 i hope u like it!!
Show me how
⊱ ━━━━.⋅ εïз ⋅.━━━━ ⊰
pairing: seungkwan x fem!reader
genre: smut, first time, fluffish
warnings: unprotected sex, handjob, mentions of oral, kissing, mentions of making out, veryyyy slight degredation, mentions of restraint, mentions of masturbation
beefboy quotes: "kitten wants seungkwans cock🤧" (im sorry for including this but it made me laugh) "IM WET".
wordcount: 1k
a/n: phew this was a difficult one. im practising writing more detailed smut and do a little less plot lmao. beefboy says its working so im going to trust i did okay haha.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why this is happening right now.” 
What you had told Seungkwan was true. You were fairly experienced when it came to sex. However, experienced didn’t exactly equate to confident, even though you might have given him that idea. And it wasn’t on purpose. It wasn’t like you had tried to fool him, or pretend you were something you weren’t. All the dirty secrets whispered to make him blush, the not-so-accidental brushes of your ass over his crotch or fingers over his chest, were done out of pure love and adoration. You liked to tease him, and he absolutely loved when you teased him. 
You just wanted his first time to be special, and now you were afraid it was all ruined. 
“No, why are you apologizing? You’re doing great.”
He was laid out beneath you, already all sweaty and glowy from the heavy makeout session that had prompted the current situation. A large hand gently came in touch with one of the thighs straddling his torso, silently saying it’s okay, we’re okay. And his pupils were all blown out, and the room was dimly lit and humid. It was beautiful and perfect. He was perfect, and you were ruining it. 
It all felt completely upside down to you. That he was giving the reassuring words and the calming touches when he was supposed to be the nervous one. He didn’t look nervous at all. He sported that confident smile, the inquiring tilt of his head and he was shirtless underneath your bare thighs. 
“I just feel like I've let you down. Like I made you expect all these things for tonight, that I was supposed to be all dominating, and sexy and what not-”
“Babe, you’re literally so fucking sexy.” 
“Oh yeah, suddenly having a mental breakdown in the middle of your boyfriend's first time. So sexy of me.”
Without replying he grabbed you by the hips, giving them a gentle squeeze and locking eyes with you for permission. Your ‘yes’ was barely a whisper. Slowly, he shuffled you further down his body, so you were positioned over his cock. His hard cock. Really hard and also, really big. Not that you were surprised. 
“You feel that?” 
None of you were even moving, not even the slightest, and yet sparks of pleasure were rushing through you. He could probably feel the wetness soaking through your panties and onto the fabric covering his hard dick, but for the first time that night, you didn’t care. You didn’t care that you were nervous, you didn’t feel like you had a single expectation to live up to or promise to fulfill. He was hard, and you had barely done anything, which made you both incredibly relieved and wet. 
“M-mhm…”
When he noticed how your shoulders suddenly dropped and your jaw unclenched, he too felt all his muscles loosen up and a held back sigh escaped him. 
“You did that baby, made me so hard. Because you’re so sexy, and beautiful and hot-”
“Okay okay, I get it.” Your attempt at shutting him up was to lean down for a kiss, but he just continued to ramble and mumble onto your lips, and you realized you shouldn’t keep him waiting much longer. 
“Can I take these off?” You asked, your voice quiet as it spilled onto his lips while your fingers hooked onto the waistband of his boxers. 
“Yes, f-fuck, please.”
Before you could even have the chance though, he was ripping them off himself, so you instead took the opportunity to take your panties off, leaving you both fully naked.
“How- How do you want me?”
His question barely registered with you as his dick entered your line of sight. You had seen each other naked a few times, sure, but only for short moments while changing clothes or walking in on the other showering. Now his dick was so up close you could see every vein, every drop of precum leaking down his shaft, and you hadn’t even noticed you were practically laying on your stomach, crosseyed and nearly drooling at the sight. 
“Don’t look at it like that.” 
His voice snapped you out of your cockdrunk trance and you somehow managed to tear your eyes away from his cock. 
“I’m just admiring it.”
“Yeah, I can tell, but please don’t look at it like that for much longer, or I’ll actually cum untouched.”
You giggled lowly before crawling further up his body again. Your noses were touching and his heavy breaths tickled your lips as your hand dragged over his nipples, down his abs until it reached his cock. 
“That’d be so hot”, you whispered. Your boyfriend let out a breathy whimper in return, one you so badly wanted to hear again, so you wrapped your fingers tightly around his cock, squeezing until he was throbbing so hard you could have been convinced it was his heartbeat going straight into his dick. 
“You like the sound of that? I could touch myself in front of you, have you tied to the bed so you can’t touch me yourself, see how long you’ll last…”
He was already close. Embarrassingly close, but what was he supposed to do? For weeks before you asked him out he would simply think of something gross, like Vernons three week old laundry or the floor in the subway, whenever he accidentally popped a boner around you. But now, that was actually impossible. He couldn’t think, couldn’t see, couldn’t feel anything but you everywhere, in every corner of his mind. 
“Please, I’m so close…” The way your hand alternated between squeezing him at the base and going up and down in a fast motion, was making him dizzy. 
“I know, I know. You’ll get what you want”, your hand let go of his cock, as you resumed your position from a few moments ago, straddling him, but now with no layers of fabric between you. Your pussy radiated actual heat, and occasionally a drop of your wetness would fall onto his abs and trickle down towards his v-line, and if he didn’t get your pussy around him now he would probably faint. 
“Remind me what it is you want again?” 
This wasn’t your usual teasing. Even though your words were bratty as always, they were now laced with something different, something loving. You were smiling adoringly and your eyes were sparkling, and even though you were being so cruel, you were still so doting. 
“I Want…Want your pussy. Need it.”
You rewarded his answer with a quick kiss, before lining your entrance up with his cock and sinking down slowly. Seungkwans facial expression twisted into one of pleasure and he was muttering profanities into the air. 
“Feel okay?”
He felt more than okay. He had never felt better, but if you began to move even a single inch, he would cum, and he didn’t wanna be that guy. 
“Yeah- Yeah I’m fine just, fuck, give me a second…”
“Hm? But I thought this was what you wanted?”
Seungkwan knew you weren’t actually denying his request. You weren’t moving, and you wouldn’t unless he wanted you to. You were testing him. You had a goal, and once you went for something, there was no way Seungkwan could convince you otherwise. 
“I do! I do, I just don’t wanna-”
“But I do.” 
Your hips began to swivel back and forth on top of him. The subtle movement would have been barely noticeable had he not been so sensitive. 
“You can cum Seungkwan, it’s okay. I want it.”
When he didn’t argue further, when he looked at you with pleading eyes, you kept going, escalating the speed of your hips more and more, until your boyfriend was a wonderful mess underneath you, writhing and moaning desperately. 
“Cum for me, Seungkwan.”
Your words were the last tug pulling at the knot in his stomach. He was releasing inside of you, coating your walls in white and tensing every muscle in his body. It was only after the fact he got to see it, his eyes struggling to open from how tight they were shut, and once they landed on his cum dripping down your plush thighs onto his stomach it was as if the high just kept running through him. 
“Should I- Can I try to eat you out? Can you show me how?”
You hadn’t had expectations of cumming tonight. This was about him. That being said, you were hardly surprised that he wanted to return the favor, selfless as always.  
Your mind wandered to just a few moments ago, when you were so worried about ruining this moment. About making him uncomfortable, or doing something wrong, or not living up to his expectations. Now you were realizing that this hadn’t been about expectations at all. It had been about trust. Seungkwan trusted you enough to be his first. To show him how. 
And there was nothing more sexy than being trusted.
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sungbeam · 1 year
Text
𝐚 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞
boo seungkwan x gn!reader
1.3k words, established relationship au, childhood friends 2 lovers, proposal au, fluff, super soft
a/n: for the love of our beloved boo 💖 im still obsessed w this photo of him
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Boo Seungkwan asked you to marry him beneath the shade of an orange tree.
The two of you had only been about ten years old, but back then, ten years old was everything. You were two peas in a pod, forever and always. He had been pushing you on the tire swing attached to one of the sturdier, low-hanging branches, as he always did. You kicked your legs up, a grin splitting your face.
"Why are only older people allowed to get married?" he asked later that day, as the sun set across the pasture. It was one of those days where the sun's sinking broiled across the sky in vibrant rivers of orange and yellow, before bruising into deep shades of purple. You had your backs against the trunk of the orange tree, your knees pressed to your chest, and Seungkwan's hand just touching yours on the damp earth.
You gave a small shrug. "Dunno. Why do you ask?"
From the other side of his body, he raised his hand and showed you a coil of flower stems, intertwined into a miniature ring. He held it in between two pinched fingers, floating in the space between your bodies. "Wanna get married?"
Around fifteen years later, Seungkwan pulled his car up the long, winding dirt road up to the orange grove. You sat in the passenger seat, your chin settled on your arms over the open window as you gazed out at the pasture that had filled your childhood with joyous memories. In the distance, you could already make out the largest, oldest orange tree at the far end of the field, its branches plump with globes of ripe orange fruit. And, of course, the old tire swing still hung from one of its arms, drifting gently in the cool breeze.
Seungkwan parked the car where the road ended. He had been planning this picnic for a long time coming; you and he hadn't been back to this place for years now, having been occupied with your own constantly moving adult lives. And yet, he had managed to keep ahold of you—thank god, he had.
As he killed the engine to his car, he smoothed down the white button up he wore. Outwardly, his movements were natural—inwardly, the box in his pocket seemed to burn right through his skin.
"It'll be golden hour soon," he said to you softly, a smile gracing his face as he watched the strands of your hair dance across your forehead as you gazed out. He knew you felt it, too—the nostalgia. That creeping, sweeping sensation trekking down his nerves until he felt warm and fuzzy. Or maybe his chest hurt from youth long gone. But there was no time like the present to remedy that.
You lifted yourself from the window, that wistful expression still etched into your face. You met his eyes, and he nearly melted. He would never not be enamored by your every movement, your every stare. "Well, we better get going then, love."
Blanket, picnic basket—all the necessary items were withdrawn from the trunk. While you held the folded square blanket under your arm and Seungkwan with the basket, the two of you ventured into the green-gold sea of grass toward the edges of the orange grove, entwined hands swinging between your bodies.
"Wow, it's beautiful here," you said, voice barely audible. You'd hate to disturb the pure tranquility in the air.
Seungkwan gave a nod, allowing himself to get sucked into the landscape. He tilted his head back, inhaling deeply. "It is. Isn't that the rock you tripped over when we were, like, seven?" He chuckled, pointing to a rock fixture to the side of the path.
You made a face at the rock as you passed, then bumped his shoulder with yours. "Hey! I had banged-up knees for weeks!"
"Aish, what're you complaining about when I pushed you everywhere in that wheelchair?" He made a feigned noise of disappointment while shaking his head.
That made you smile. "You refused to let me use Chan's crutches."
"He probably broke them," he rolled his eyes. "I wasn't about to let you hurt yourself more from wrecked crutches."
"I'm telling Chan you said that."
"I dare you," he quipped, nose flicking up into the air. "I'm not afraid of him."
You giggled, and the sound made his heart pitter-patter like he was a teenager in love again. Then again, he wasn't so far off from then. It was strange how after all this time of being in love with you, he hadn't gotten used to the feeling. Everyday, you gave his heart a warm thrill. You were a reminder of how beautiful it was to be alive and by your side.
When you reached the foot of the orange tree, you and Seungkwan swiftly laid out the blanket, then set everything atop it. Before digging into anything, however, you walked over to the tire swing and tested the integrity of the rope, the rubber. You swept the tire seat clean from cobwebs and dirt and dust, delicately lowering yourself onto the inner ring.
Seungkwan didn't even need to be asked.
He came up behind you and grabbed either side of the tire, pulling it back a little, then letting it fly down the slight incline. "Wow, I didn't think it'd actually still hold."
"Woooo!" You cheered as you swung in the setting sun.
Seungkwan had definitely been right earlier—golden hour had approached swiftly.
He fidgeted as he continued to gently push the swing into motion for you. He had a plan—of course, he had a plan.
And when the two of you sat atop the blanket a handful of minutes later, your knees were pressed to your chest and Seungkwan's hand lingered close to yours.
He swallowed the thundering of his heart, his eyes set on the burning sunset in the distance as if even the sky were telling him that it was now or never. "Remember when I asked you that one time why only older people get married, or something like that?"
You passed him a curious, sideways smile. "Yeah. I still don't know the answer."
"Well—" he stammered, the hand on his other side struggling to dig the box out of his pocket as subtly as possible, "—do you think we're old enough yet?"
"Old enough? To get married?" You and Seungkwan had had lots of discussions about marriage before, but never had he brought up this one instance again. "I mean… I think we are. I think we're old enough to have experienced enough of life ourselves to determine when we're ready to share it with another."
Seungkwan closed his eyes as a small laugh fell from his lips. "Why are you so good at articulating these things, hm?"
You beamed, leaning forward onto your knees to peer at him with your cheek pressed to your kneecaps. "Maybe I've thought about it a lot."
Yours and his eyes met then, as the sun gave its final send off.
Seungkwan internally cheered as his fingers caught onto the ring from the pried-open jaws of the ring box.
He cleared his throat; why was it getting congested? Why now why now why now? "Then Yn Ln—" he forced stability into his voice, then presented the ring, held it between you two, "—will you marry me?"
Your breath caught in your throat. The ring—white gold band, diamond center and surrounded in petals of clear-cut stone like a blooming flower—glistened in the fading daylight. You exhaled your answer, inhaled it, breathed it out again: "Yes. Yes. Yes!"
And as Seungkwan fumbled to slide the ring onto your finger with shaky hands; as you clung onto him until he fell back onto the blanket; as the sky dimmed to periwinkle evening; you and Seungkwan were reminded of a beautiful life beneath the shade of an orange tree.
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svt m.list
permanent taglist: @tayunji @im-a-big-mess @honeyhuii @y3jiishot @crazywittysassy @seomisaho @stopeatread @enhacolor @rnjfy @jaehunnyy @kpopjackie @spiderrenjunfics @soobin-chois @stayarmytinyzenmoa-l @mingiholic @ja4hyvn @vatterie @yogurteume @mythicalamphitrite @ana-is-losing-her-mind @super-btstrash-posts @otchae @luv4vernon @ashxxkook @thesunsfullmoon @hoohoohope @polarisjisung @dior-15 @ethereal-engene @yvnjin-s @noa-record @pearlygraysky @beautywine @kflixnet
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kmgkmg · 1 year
Text
GIFT FROM VIRGO - BOO SEUNGKWAN
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word count: 3.2k...
pairing: seungkwan x gn!reader x hansol (iconic platonic trio!)
synopsis: you and hansol decided to help seungkwan out with some shopping, except it's a bit more demanding than you originally thought.
genre/s: fluff, secretly-crushing!seungkwan, idol!svt, non-idol!reader
warnings: none!
rating: pg
a/n: a cute little platonic fic for y'all!! thank you once again @playmetheclassics for being the beta reader for this fic! <33 fic inspired by gift from virgo by beyoncé.
“And so Operation: Gift from Virgo is still a go?” Seungkwan asks with expectant eyes at his friends in front of him.
“We wouldn’t be up at 7 am if we weren’t going to help you, Kwan,” Hansol yawns before furrowing his brows, “but what’s up with the name?”
“Isn’t it named after his favorite Beyoncé song?” You infer, reaching over for a bite of the pancakes left over on Seungkwan’s plate. 
Seungkwan’s face beams with happiness, indicating that you guessed correctly, and he moves his plate closer to your spot. He warmly pats your head while proudly smiling. If anyone else saw the two of you, it would appear as if you were a dog-turned-human that he was rewarding and petting. “See Hansol, and this is why Y/N will always be my favorite.” 
You return a smile to your friend before going back to focusing on the plate in front of you. You couldn’t help but be persuaded to help when Kwan promised to treat you to breakfast at your favorite brunch spot. The fact that he purposefully left an entire blackberry and white chocolate pancake for you to eat is truly the cherry on top. Or would blackberry on top be a more proper expression to use? Completely absorbed in your own thoughts, you were unaware of the glaring between your two friends. 
“That doesn’t even make sense; you’re a Capricorn,” Hansol retorts. He truly was not cut out for the mornings. He continues to give Seungkwan a doubting look but quickly gives up because his energy level cannot compete with Seungkwan’s. 
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“So everyone knows their tasks?” Seungkwan double-checks, pulling out his phone to review the extensive spreadsheet he created specifically for today. What is it that he is taking so seriously? His periodic ‘Premium Shopping Day’. It had approached quicker than usual and he somehow had managed to rope you and Hansol into helping him this time. One thing you can always count on with Seungkwan is to take advantage of discounts and sales. While your motivation for helping him could be explained by the pancakes you were currently devouring, Hansol's reason still remained a mystery to you. 
You notice Hansol eyeing the pancakes that you were nearly done with and you begrudgingly cut off a piece for him. He knew this was your favorite food. Why was he pulling on your heartstrings so early in the morning? As if a lightbulb turned on above you, you started waving your fork in the air and ‘flying’ it to Hansol’s mouth. He may have made you feel guilty for not sharing, but you weren’t going to just give him a bite without anything in return. The price for a bite? Embarrassment obviously. Hansol laughs at your behavior, before opening his mouth and taking a bite. He nods his head in approval with an expression of satisfaction that he reserved only for food that he really loved. You nod back at him, glad that you could make him a bit more energized through the power of the pancake. 
Seungkwan snapped his fingers in front of your faces, making you both break out of your food trance. He had an expression of disapproval at Hansol acting cute, nevertheless he was still awaiting your responses to his question. 
Clearing your throat, you prepared to answer Seungkwan. 
“I’m in charge of going to Aēsop, Hera,” you pause to look at the smudged writing on your palm, attempting to decipher the faded letters you wrote last night. “Sulwhasoo, um, there was one more but I can’t read it.” You embarrassedly confess, causing Seungkwan to facepalm. You both look to Hansol, expecting him to be more organized with the stores he needed to visit.
“And I’m going everywhere luxury clothes related? Balenciaga, Gucci…” Hansol trails off before turning silent, exposing that he hadn’t memorized the places Seungkwan had assigned to him either. 
“Y/N, you forgot Lancôme. Use Mingyu’s discount code that he texted in the group chat. Members being ambassadors of famous brands do have perks at times when they’re not bragging about the deals. Chwe, don’t worry I’ll send you a text with the names of the stores you need to go to,” Seungkwan rambles while you make a mental note to visit Lancôme. 
The restaurant’s warm lighting was making you drowsy and although you were fully aware you needed to start waking up, it was impossible after eating. Combining your satisfied appetite, the lighting, the relaxing music playing, and the final seal of the deal being Hansol’s subtle cologne, you found your eyelids becoming heavier and heavier. You were scrolling on your phones waiting for the mall to open anyways, so you didn’t think a quick snooze would hurt. 
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Seungkwan looks at the two of you across from him, leaning on each other’s shoulders while closing your eyes. He knew when the two least morning people offered to help him shop, it would only end in a headache for him, but he couldn’t help blushing at how cute your face looked when you were dozing off. He had managed to keep his crush on you a secret from all the members which only made it harder for him to hide his heart eyes towards you whenever you did anything. Remembering the task at hand, he stops admiring you and sits up straight to recite the speech he prepared. 
“You both need to be more hyped about this, you don’t understand today is literally the best day of the year to score deals on stuff. The holidays of December are over, and we still have over a week before Lunar New Year! Sure, there might be a lot of Valentine’s Day related products being promoted, but our goal is clear. Get. All. The. Discounts.” Seungkwan emphasizes the final ‘goal,’ and finishes the long winded speech. 
You and Hansol sleepily applaud him while laughing at his exaggerated tone of urgency. 
“We can see how much these days mean to you, my boo, we’ll be sure to get everything on your spreadsheet. You can believe in us!” You encourage Seungkwan as you try to perk up, nudging Hansol with your elbow to back you up. 
Seungkwan looks away from the two of you, still not used to the nickname you gave him. He was positive that he was beet red but tried his best to conceal it by fanning himself, pretending to be hot. He thanked his ancestors for his last name before paying attention to the conversation again. 
“Yeah, totally. We might’ve forgotten what stores we’re going to-”
Your eyes darted to the man on your right, surprised by how he was choosing to comfort Seungkwan. “Why would you include that?”
“Let me finish, we might’ve forgotten what stores we’re going to, but that just means it’ll be that much fresher in our minds.” Hansol smiles innocently at you and Seungkwan, unable to tell that neither of you were pleased with how he ended his sentence. 
Seungkwan purses his lips, unamused at his friend, checking the time and noticing it was already 8. “How am I friends with you idiots?”
Hansol and you shrug before all three of you smile at each other. 
Getting up from the booth, Seungkwan motions for the two of you to follow him. “Anyways, we should head out since the mall is twenty minutes away, and I want to have a head start with the line.” 
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The car ride to the mall was uneventful, besides the usual routine of Seungkwan putting on a girl group song and turning his car into a makeshift karaoke room. Hansol was sitting in the passenger seat and made a fist to function as a microphone for Seungkwan. Something that you always loved about your friendship with them is that you never dispelled each other’s energy, only ever feeding into each other’s moods and making the time you spent together that much more enjoyable. 
You get to the mall’s parking lot in no time and Seungkwan continues his motivational speech by highlighting how you all needed to divide and conquer to obtain everything on the spreadsheet. Hansol and you both salute Seungkwan in a joking manner, picking up on his eagerness to enter the mall. Like Seungkwan had predicted, there was a small line of people already forming at the doors. Being the celebrities that they are, Seungkwan put on a cap while Hansol put on a beanie to try and hide their identities. Sure, everyone was wearing masks due to the ongoing pandemic, but it still was hard to disguise themselves with regular people when they both emitted extraordinary auras. While there had been some chatter from other people waiting, all of them were understanding in Seungkwan and Hansol’s request not to be photographed. Still, they needed to maintain their images as kind idols so they conversed with fans and tried to be as polite as possible. 
The doors finally opened after a little over two hours and you could notice the instant shift in attitude of the friends beside you. Their small talk with fans ceased and you knew it was about to turn into a survival game with the other customers. Shopping was never your favorite pastime, but you didn’t mind today since it would make Seungkwan happy. 
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Seungkwan was speed walking to the next store on his list, but he saw your figure in the distance struggling to carry all of your bags and immediately he stopped and chose to help you. Seeing the efforts you were taking to help him only made him fall for you more and he took a couple deep breaths to calm his heart before making his way over to you. 
You had been running around the mall’s various floors for nearly three hours, fighting tooth and nail with people over fragrances and skincare. This is definitely not how you expected your weekday morning to go and it was tiring you out at an alarming rate. You ended up carrying a ton of bags, having your wrists feel like they could fall off at any second. However, you were not going to quit on Seungkwan’s mission. You attempt to hoist the bags up from the ground to continue your tasks, but get stopped by a hand that you were acquainted with. Looking up, you see Seungkwan grabbing one-third of the bags you were responsible for. 
You try to high-five him, relieved to see a familiar face but instantly regret it as the bags you still had made it hard for you to raise your arm entirely. He also was not capable of raising either of his arms to high-five you, so you awkwardly put your hand back down before looking him properly in the face. 
“Did you get all of the stuff you wanted yet? Sorry that I’m so slow with buying things, I didn’t think it would be this intense and hardcore.” 
Seungkwan can see that you’re worn out and opts to lie to you. A harmless lie, really. 
“Yeah, I got everything I wanted. How about we take a break at that cafe?” He suggests, tilting his head in the direction of a nearby cafe. 
The fact that he was able to complete his shopping didn’t surprise you, but finishing it all in three hours made you raise an eyebrow at your friend. You’re reluctant to say yes to his offer because you still want to finish helping him out, but he doesn’t give you more time to think. He notices your hesitation and takes more of the bags you were holding to put them into his bags. Logically, it did make sense because shopping bags for clothes are bigger than the ones they give for fragrances and skincare. Yet, you couldn’t help but feel sorry that he was quite literally carrying your weight. 
You try to grab them back, but he lightly hits your hand, stopping you from doing so. 
“I’m the one who practically dragged you and Hansol to go here with me, the least I can do is carry the bags," He insists with a stern look, serious enough for you to tell that this was not an issue up for argument. 
His sudden seriousness makes you realize once again that Seungkwan is always the decision maker for your group, something that you usually preferred, but you knew that the bags were probably extremely heavy. Your hands went to grab the bags back one last time, but after you realized you had been zoning out, you also realized Seungkwan was already making his way towards the cafe. With Seungkwan walking in front of you, you finally give up and head to the cafe like he originally suggested. While following him, you were hit with an immense sense of appreciation at how much of a caring friend he is to you. You don’t know who you saved in your past life to end up with a best friend as sweet as Seungkwan.
On the walk to the cafe he talked about things besides shopping, such as how Mingyu annoyed him last night, and when you eventually arrive at the cafe he sets all the bags down on an empty table with a sigh. 
“See! The bags were too heavy for you to carry all by yourself,” You scold, resulting in Seungkwan scratching the back of his neck in an avoiding fashion. 
“Well, you looked like you were really having a hard time-”
“You didn’t drag us. We both love spending time with you, you’re our best friend. Of course we would want to help you,” You huff, leaving him speechless at your words. 
“Oh? It’s not bothersome to be with me?” He asks, in a tone more surprised than you would ever expect from him. 
“No! Why would you ever feel that way? We love you, Boo Seungkwan. Hansol and the rest of Seventeen, they’re like your family, and well for me, you’re my boo. Nobody can replace you,” You reassure him, noticing his reddened cheeks at your words. He always was weak to compliments, but you loved seeing your best friend know that he was appreciated and loved by you and his members.
Unable to bear the silence between the two of you, you rush to the counter to order Seungkwan an iced americano and a sandwich to share. He carried your bags, the least you can do is pay for his coffee. You still hadn’t decided what you were going to order, overwhelmed at the large menu. Usually before going to a new place you would look at the menu online first, but Seungkwan’s spontaneity has you thinking quickly on your feet. You ponder on what to get for a couple moments while in line, before reaching the cashier. 
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As he’s sitting down, Seungkwan can’t help but feel jealous that the cashier was flirting with you and you were seemingly reciprocating. Reality hits and he acknowledges that since he doesn’t want to confess, he’s left with his one-sided love towards you forever. He wishes that he could confess, but he’s too scared that his confession would only ruin the dynamic between the three of you. 
After waiting for your number to be called, you headed back to the table with your drinks and the sandwich. You were oblivious to the inner conflict occurring in your friend’s mind. You placed the order down, arranging it on the table and taking a picture of Seungkwan and the food out of habit. Seungkwan and Vernon were always the stars of your aesthetically taken photos, something that you pride yourself on. It always made the picture better when there were handsome models to photograph. Idols as best friends did have their perks. 
As you scan the pictures you just took, you notice that Seungkwan looks down. You figure that he’s sulking because as you placed the order, he probably looked at the bags and realized that you didn’t finish shopping. Muttering a quiet thanks, he takes a sip of his iced americano and looks out the window, staring at the other shoppers in the mall.
You knew how to handle his sulkiness, he was your best friend after all. 
“I swear on my life that I will get everything on this spreadsheet!” Yes, matching his dramaticness was a sure-fire way to catch his attention. You put a hand on your heart, proving your sincerity to your best friend.
Seungkwan doesn’t know what to say since he didn’t realize his emotions could be read so easily, so he blinks at you a while before saying anything. Eventually he decides to humor you by pretending that he’s upset over you not finishing your shopping. “While I’m upset that you didn’t finish your shopping, don’t fret over it. I actually didn’t finish mine either…”
“I knew that it wasn’t humanly possible to finish all that you wrote in three hours! Seungkwan, your spreadsheet would be hard to achieve even with all of your other members,” You liven up, glad that you hadn’t disappointed him as much as you originally thought you had. You take a bite of your half of the sandwich, soon forgetting Seungkwan’s brief gloomy mood. 
Something that he did have to admit is that your obliviousness towards his crush was just another charm that made you lovable to him. He gazes at you lovingly, once again thankful that he was fortunate enough to be friends with you. 
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“No way y’all are taking a break without me,” You see Vernon’s shock of betrayal at the two of you as he makes his way over to your table. He sits next to Seungkwan, grabbing the half of the sandwich in your friend’s hand and taking a bite. 
“It was incidental, I swear,” You defend, making Hansol chuckle at your earnest words. 
“You’re doing a lot of swearing today,” Seungkwan teases, causing you to roll your eyes at him. 
“Well, let’s go back to the dorms and give the members some gifts,” Hansol yawns while stretching his arms. “This way I can go back to the dorms and nap, too.” 
“Typical Hansol,” You and Seungkwan say at the same time. You then pointed at each other in awe at your thoughts being in synch. 
Hansol shakes his head, used to your behavior and grabs some of the bags to start heading back to the car. 
“Why did you want to come today anyways, Hansol?” You hit his shoulder, curious since he never explained why he tagged along.
“For these,” He shows off a box set of A24 films in a gloating manner. Now it was adding up, the movie buff needed to get his collector’s items.
Your mouth makes an ‘O’ shape, finally grasping his motives as he restarts walking to the parking lot.
“Was Operation: Gift from Virgo a failure?” You ask your other friend cautiously, picking up some bags after having the sandwich re-energize you. 
“Not completely! Plus, we can always come back whenever it’s most convenient to turn it into a total success,” Seungkwan replies, grinning at you and Hansol. 
You grin back, causing Seungkwan to nearly have a heart attack seeing you smile. He knew that he would never confess to you, but moments like these made him yearn for more. He hoped in some alternate reality you were together, and the possibility of that being true allowed him to accept his friend status in your life. He was your boo after all.
151 notes · View notes
ahlovelightaflame · 7 months
Text
Stay on Track ~ *Boo Seungkwan*
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Summary: Seungkwan absolutely loves being a radio host and tv personality. He hates being in the mafia though. However, what he doesn’t realize is that staying in the mafia keeps you out of harms way.
Pairing: Boo Seungkwan X Fem!Reader
Genre: Angstyish Oneshot
Word Count: 3067
Warning: Swearing, mentions of being attacked and being abused (vague-ish), mentions of physical injury (vague)
Mafia Masterlist​
“Alright everyone, it appears our time is up for today. Thank you all for tuning into Kwan Talk Radio and I hope to hear from you all tomorrow. Take care and stick around for my colleague Kihyun’s segment Key-hyun of Life. Thanks everyone!” As Seungkwan started playing the next song, Kihyun entered the studio with a smile.
“Thanks Kwan. Amazing show as always.”
He laughed. Of course it was, but he needed to still appear humble. “Thanks Kihyun. I’ll be listening to your segment on my way out.”
Kihyun nodded before starting to set up. Seungkwan, on the other hand, slipped out of the studio, where he grabbed his jacket, keys, and bag. Within an instant, you were at his side, scrolling through his schedule on your tablet. He tried to discreetly roll his eyes at your persistence to take control of his daily life. He knew exactly what you were going to say as soon as you showed up next to him. Nevertheless, he decided to humor you for the briefest second.
“What’s next?” His tone was dry but he really didn’t want to hear the answer anyways.
“Jihoon wants to meet with you about a counterattack on the gang that jumped Joshua and Hoshi’s team.” You explained, exiting the radio building and opening the car door for him, that was waiting outside.
He sighed, settling into the car. He shut the door, without waiting for you to enter. “I think I’m just going to go home since I had a long day.”
Before you could protest, he rolled up his window and the driver drove away. You sighed before sending a message to Jihoon about Seungkwan not wanting to show up to the meeting. Not even five seconds later, you received his relieved reply, saying he didn’t want to have that meeting anyways.
As his chauffeur drove him back to his place on the outskirts of town, Seungkwan sighed as he rubbed his temples. He knew what he did was wrong and he made a mental note to send you a bouquet of your favorite flowers and your favorite snacks tomorrow. He didn’t hate you; far from it, actually. He really cared about you and you knew that. When you first became his assistant, he was hesitant to relinquish his schedule to you. He was so used to doing it himself, but with his growing popularity as a radio personality and influencer, he needed the help to balance between being in the public eye and doing mafia work. So you took on the job. It took him some time to get used to you, but eventually he came around to relying on you for help. In the beginning, the two of you were friends.
But things changed as his popularity grew even more, he started to change. He was offered a position on an evening talk show recently, which made it even harder for him to make time for the mafia. Now, the boys were pretty chill about having a life outside of the family, but when they needed you, you had to be there. And Seungkwan was really dropping the ball on that part of his life. In all honesty, he didn’t think he wanted to be a part of it anymore.
He’s been meaning to tell you about that, but he didn’t know how. Despite being very understanding with everything that  entailed with his hectic lifestyle, you weren’t a big fan of him quitting. Every time he thought about turning down a job or not taking an opportunity presented to him, you’d tell him to try it. You always said it was your job to organize his schedule and make sure he wasn’t overwhelmed.
But he didn’t want to be in the mafia anymore. He wasn’t really needed anyways. Jihoon had a strong and capable team with Minghao and Joshua. Minghao was the best hacker in town and Joshua had connections upon connections with different people. What did he have? He was in the public eye. If anything, he would only cause the destruction and ruin of the gang. Even if he didn’t want to be a part of their organization anymore, he didn’t want anything to happen to them.
The car rolled to a stop, Seungkwan’s driver notifying him that he was at home. He thanked him before telling him to take a dinner break before he needed to leave for the film studio for the talk show. He was going to shower, change, and get a quick bite to eat before heading out. If he was quick and stayed on track, he wouldn’t have to think about you at all.
Entering his quaint little abode, he sighed. Someone was cooking. He knew exactly who it was.
“You’re late. But I’m almost done, so you can shower and everything will be ready to go. If it makes you feel better, when I’m done setting the food out, I’ll meet you at the studio.” You called out to him.
When he made his way into the kitchen, you turned around to give him a small smile. He sighed again. “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have said the things I said or done the things I did.”
You shook your head. “No, don’t worry about that. Go get ready, please. Then, you can leave for work.”
“Okay, whatever you say. But please, stay for dinner. I don’t want you going hungry again.” He lightly scolded before making his way to the bathroom.
After his shower and changing his clothes, Seungkwan returned to the kitchen. You were sitting there, holding out a bowl of ramen with a tender smile. He felt his heart stutter in his chest, but he pushed the feeling away. He didn’t have time to think about that. He needed to stay on track.
He thanked you as he took the bowl. “You always know exactly what I need, don’t you?”
“It’s my job.” You teased, shoving his shoulder playfully.
Nodding slowly, he looked down at his food before saying. “Well, I was thinking. What if I made your job easier?”
You laughed. “And how on Earth would you do that?”
“I’m quitting the mafia.”
Your chopsticks clattered against your bowl as you started coughing violently. Seungkwan quickly started patting your back as you slowly regained your breath control. If he knew his words were going to cause you to react like that, he would have waited until you were in the car. Honestly, he didn’t know why he told you. It just sort of came out. What he was thinking about doing was to quit the mafia before telling you. But maybe it was better this way.
“You’re doing what?” You asked, eyes wide and bewildered.
“I’m quitting.” He explained. “I’ve become a liability. I’m too deep into the public sphere that sooner or later my background is going to be exposed and people are going to get hurt.”
“Well, what if people get hurt with you quitting?” You shot back defensively.
“I’m not risking the boys, Y/n.” Seungkwan stated. “I thought you’d be happy. Now you don’t have to worry about getting all tangled up with someone who does illegal work. My record will be clean now and so will yours. I’m setting us both free, if you think about it.”
You shook your head. “I don’t think about it that way at all. I don’t understand why you’d want to quit. Sure, it’s not entirely legal, but they’re a family. Families like that, they don’t leave each other behind. They take care of each other and look out for one another. Are you really willing to leave all of that  behind?”
Well, you did have a point. Sure, he’d still see everyone around, but not as often as he was used to. Or maybe they would cut him out entirely? The Boss could be pretty unpredictable. Even her paramore Seungcheol couldn’t always guess what was going on in her mind all the time.
Seungkwan shook his head. “No, I’m sure of this decision. I’m protecting them if I leave now before my fame becomes too great. It’s the only way to keep them from danger.”
You sighed. “Will you at least sleep on it before you make a final decision? This isn’t something to be taken lightly. I want you to make sure you’re prepared for the consequences of whatever you decide. Please, will you think about it more, for me?”
Pursing his lips, he nodded. “Alright. I’ll do it. For you. But we should get going, or else we’re going to be late.”
Glancing at the time, you answered, “You go on ahead. I’ve got some work to catch up on. Jihoon said he needed me to organize some of their files. You’ll be fine without me, I promise.”
“Are you sure?”
You nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure. You go or you’re going to be late. Go on! Shoo!”
He chuckled before slipping out the front door. “Bye. See you tomorrow.”
Waving, you watched as he shut the door behind him. With a sigh, you began biting your thumb nail. You knew it was a nasty habit, but you needed to think.
You should have told him. You should have told him all about your situation and just how much his decision affected you. Really, you thought his boss or even Seungcheol would have told him about where they got his personal assistant. They should have told him that you used to be an enemy that was saved from being beaten to death in an alleyway.
Before you were Seungkwan’s personal assistant, you worked as a runner for a rival gang. They were far more bloodthirsty and triggerhappy than the Seventeen gang. You were always afraid of being hurt in one of their many senseless brawls or being taken advantage of when they were too inebriated to see straight. One day, you were unlucky and jumped in that back alley. If it wasn’t for Vernon and Seokmin, you probably would have been killed that night.
Taken to the big boss and Seungcheol, who looked far too cozy to be a boss and her second, you were interrogated over tea. You explained that you held no loyalty to them and you wanted nothing more than to leave them behind. Though the big boss suggested a normal life, perhaps working at the Chewy Cafe, Seungcheol interjected that you could be useful or a spy. In other words, they needed to keep you close. You weren’t going to protest. As long as they weren’t like the last gang, she didn’t care.
So she met Seungkwan. And even though he was a little standoffish at first, you both eventually warmed up to him. And then you became very close friends.
And then you fell in love.
Shaking your head, you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket. It was Hoshi. At least he was a friendly voice and you just needed someone to talk to.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Y/n? Are you with Seungkwan?” He asked.
You shook your head out of habit. “No, I’m not. Why? Is something wrong? Does he need me?”
“No, I was just wondering where you were. Are you still at his place?”
“Yes, I-”
The world went black and the phone fell to the floor.
Seungkwan didn’t know that you had been attacked until a commercial break in his show. On his way, he had called Jihoon to let him know that he was no longer a part of the mafia. He tried to talk him out of it, but it was half-assed. Seungkwan wasn’t surprised though. He knew Jihoon didn’t like being in the mafia either. However, Jihoon did promise to give you protection until you were settled into a new life. It was what Seungkwan wanted. You deserved a better life than the one he was giving you anyways.
Arriving at the studio, he was distracted. It wasn’t normal for him but he was thinking about his new found freedom. Something about it felt bittersweet to him. Sure he was going to miss his friends, but it needed to be done, and he could always make new friends. However a small part of him had introduced the awful idea that once you found out about your new found freedom, you wouldn’t want to see him again. He hoped his harshness hadn’t pushed you away for good.
The show was uneventful and boring. Seungkwan just wanted it to get over as soon as possible so he could go home and talk to you. While he was glancing behind the cameras, he noticed Chan, frantically waving his phone. It was then that he could tell something was wrong.
During the commercial break, he answered the phone that Chan practically shoved in his hands. “Hello? What happened? It must have been something bad if you had to send a lackey-”
“Y/n was attacked at your place.”
Seungkwan almost dropped his phone. “What do you mean she was attacked, Cheol?”
“I mean while you were out leaving all of us behind, your little assistant was assaulted at your place by her former gang. She managed to take a couple guys out after being dealt a major concussion, but it was Hoshi who dispatched backup. Your stuff is being packed up as we speak and being moved to the mansion. You better get here as soon as possible. Boss is still looking after her with Mingyu.”
He nodded. “Yes, I’m on my way.”
After quickly explaining to the crew, they allowed him to leave to make sure you were okay. With Chan in tow, he stormed to the parking garage and sped to the mansion. Chan tried to talk to him once, but when he was almost punched in the jaw, he kept his mouth shut the whole way back. Besides, he was too terrified about Seungkwan’s reckless driving to say much without wanting to vomit.
Arriving at the mansion, Jeonghan pointed in the direction of the infirmary. “She should be getting out soon. I’ll take care of the kid. You go.”
Seungkwan gave a curt nod before heading to the infirmary. As soon as he saw it, Mingyu left with the boss, both of them looking relieved to see him.
The boss grabbed his shoulders before he could storm in there. “Before I allow you to go wake her up, we need to talk about some things.”
“Hell yeah we need to talk about things.” He shrugged her hands off of him. “What the hell do you mean by her former gang? What haven’t you been sharing with me? What hasn’t she been sharing with me?”
“Easy.” She stated. “Look, we found her in an alleyway one night, looking about the way she looks now. We knew she could be useful and she was willing to prove herself. Around this time, you started bitching and moaning about a new assistant, so we gave her to you to test out. She did really well given her circumstances, until earlier today, when you quit. As soon as you quit, we can’t keep her on and she’s out of our protection. It was a matter of time till her former gang found her again. So now you have a choice to make, Boo: either leave this life and risk hers, or stay on for her sake.”
It was an unfair choice, they both knew it. But considering you weren’t a real member and just a ward of the gang, he was the one who had to make the call. It was a big decision, but knowing the risk, it was one he made without hesitation.
When you awoke, you hurt like a bitch. But you were more surprised by the fact that Seungkwan was sleeping in a chair across your bed. He was snoring slightly and it made you smile, sort of. Your face still hurts from the beating it had taken before you got here.
“Hey.” You croaked out, trying to get his attention. “Get your ass up, Sleeping Beauty.”
Seungkwan jerked awake, and though he looked pissed at first, he relaxed seeing you awake. “Good morning to you too.” “It’s night time, Kwan. I may have just woken up, but even I know that it’s got to be the ass crack of dawn.” You tried to laugh, but your chest hurt too much. It didn’t help that you had a relatively low pain tolerance to begin with.
“Alright, alright, take it easy.” He handed you a cup of water. Thank God only one of your arms was broken. “Also, I know everything now.”
An uneasy feeling found its way into your stomach. You weren’t sure if it was from Seungkwan knowing your past or from some head trauma you probably had. Either way, it wasn’t good. “Oh. Look, I’m sorry. I should have told you before, but I didn’t want you to think I was some spy trying to get your personal information. I was just looking for a new start, away from the abuse I suffered-”
“You don’t have to explain yourself.” He sighed. “I had no idea what you went through, and I still don’t really know for sure. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I care a hell of a lot about you and I worry about you all the time, even if it doesn’t seem like it. So I decided I’m going to stay in the mafia, to keep you safe.”
“Kwan, you know I can take care of myself.” You said.
“Tell that to your face.”
Again, you tried to laugh, but it hurt too much. He winced. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have-”
“No, no, it’s fine.” You wheezed. “But are you sure this is what you want?”
He nodded. “I talked to the boss and we worked some things out. Everything is going to be fine. Nothing is going to change too drastically. But she did offer you a permanent position in the team.”
You hesitated. “Can I think about it?”
Again, he nodded. “She’s giving you all the time you need, so take it. Besides, you need to first focus on getting better. I can’t have my assistant in pain when she’s fixing my schedules.”
“Yep, things sure aren’t changing.”
With a chuckle, Seungkwan shook his head. “Of course not. I need you to keep me on track.”
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hannieehaee · 4 months
Text
them accidentally ditching you on your bday - vu
hhu, vu, pu
content: angsty, gender neutral, established relationship, etc.
part 2
wc: 4537
a/n: thank u to the people who requested this <3 so sorry its so longshdkks pls lmk if u want a pt. 2 with a resolution. not proofread btw </3
masterlist
jeonghan -
jeonghan wasn't a big drinker by any means. sure, he enjoyed the occasional drink with his friends, but it wasnt much of a habit. being a member of seventeen, however, it was quite often that he found himself around alcohol. quite a few of his members enjoyed sharing drinks with one another whenever their schedules allowed. jeonghan, being jeonghan, would always join them, enjoying nothing more than to be around the company of his most loved ones. unfortunately, during these instances he was also away from you, seeing as drinks with his friends tended to be right after work, just before he arrived home to you. this would cause him to make his way into your arms later than usual on the days his friends dragged him away to a pub. you didn't usually mind this, only occasionally pouting at him when he'd come home a bit later than usual without texting you about it beforehand.
today was one of the many days in which jeonghan had found himself at a discreet pub in seoul, accompanied by none other than mingyu, seokmin, chan, seungcheol and joshua, who were all pretty heavy drinkers whenever the mood struck them. jeonghan had prior plans today; it was your birthday tomorrow, so he knew he needed to get home at a timely hour in order to allow you to fall asleep in his arms as your birthday celebrations began. those plans were, however, slightly interrupted by the insistence of a choi seungcheol who adored jeonghan's company and insisted he tag along, even if only for a little while. jeonghan didn't see any harm in this, knowing he didn't have much of a tendency of getting drunk at these gatherings. he could easily make an appearance for one or two hours before excusing himself to go find refuge in your arms.
except that did not happen.
jeonghan wasn't sure how events had turned this way. he had lost most of his sense of self five shots in (what the hell was mingyu feeding him?). he began to go in and out of consciousness, still being aware of his surroundings, but not having many more thoughts past that. the one thing that did manage to slip his mind, however, was his plan to go home to you before the clock struck 12, as it was now 1 in the am. he had fully disregarded his phone too, too distracted with his friends to notice the vibrations on the table.
he woke up the next morning at about 12pm, insane headache and in familiar surroundings. it was joshua's house, he was pretty sure. and he wasn't alone. seungcheol and the rest were also located in different areas of the living room which jeonghan had awoken in. how did he even get here, he wondered. must've called a cab last night. but wait, his phone was out of battery last time he checked it. must've been one of the boys then.
none of these things mattered to jeonghan right now, so he simply got up and charged his phone, heading to the kitchen for a glass of water as he made conversation with joshua, who was the only other member awake at the moment. as soon as his phone charged, jeonghan headed over to grab it, immediately noticing a total tally of 19 notifications, all from you. had something happened? you didn't tend to message him so much. he immediately worried, hurrying to open the messages.
turned out he was right, something had happened.
it clicked almost immediately, with the tone of your texts expressing varying emotions as time progressed, and the date above the messages confirming his suspicions; it was your birthday today, and jeonghan was hung over at his best friend's house. he had no idea how he'd been so irresponsible. he knew he'd be a bit later than usual, but he was so sure he'd still make it home to you before midnight. but that had clearly been wrong. jeonghan dreaded it, but he decided to call you, to at least assess if your mood was as sour as the messages showed.
you picked up within three rings, immediately voicing your concerns at him.
"jeonghan? are you okay? you didnt come home last night," okay, you were worried about him! that was a good sign, right?
"i- angel, i'm so sorry. i'm okay. time got away from me and i ended up blacked out at shua's. shit, i'm so sorry, angel. i'll-"
"were you just drinking the whole time?", you paused, sighing before continuing, "you couldn't even message me or anything? you ditched me today of all days to get black out drunk with your friends? are you serious?", you paused again, not giving him enough time to respond, "you made me spend my birthday worried you didn't make it home. with no communication. jesus christ, jeonghan ..."
"angel. fuck. i'm so fucking sorry. i'll come home right now. it's still your birthday! let me make it up to you, yeah? i'll do whatever you want, just-"
"you know what, han? ... just stay there. we can do this some other day. i'm not really in the mood right now. i'll call you later today, okay? love you."
"wait, angel, no. just let me-"
he wasnt able to complete his sentence, as he was met with a beeping sound, informing him the line was disconnected. he stood there dumbfounded at what had just happened, not knowing how to react.
"man, you're fucked," chuckled joshua, who had heard the whole conversation.
yeah, he had fucked up big time.
joshua -
today was a terrible day. well, no. it was an amazing day actually. it was your birthday. it shouldve been an amazing day. except due to uncontrollable circumstances, your boyfriend joshua had to be away from you for the entirety of the week. there was an award show going on overseas, in which your boyfriend and the rest of seventeen had to be in attendance.
he had planned a beautiful day for you, really. he had wanted to spend the whole day with you, tending to your every need. he was going to wake you up with breakfast - prepared by himself, of course. then he would take you out to a secluded restaurant to ensure privacy. he had even planned to give you a serenade (he knew you would just call him corny, but could be be blamed for being in love?). he had communicated all this to you as he lamented his sudden absence to you a week before the day of his departure. you had accepted it, being touched by the mere thought. he'd promised you he would still be with you on your special day. although the award show was that same day, he promised to come back to the hotel as soon as time would allow and provide you with his company even if it was only through the phone.
and now it was that time. seeing as he was in japan and you in his home back in korea, there was no timezone to worry about. you'd simply have to wait at home for him to return and give you a call. it was now 6pm. it was understandable he would still be busy. you knew he had packed rehearsals all morning, so his only chance to call you would be later in the night. he had still sent you a few messages congratulating you on your big day and reminding you to be ready for him at around 8pm.
it was now 8:33pm. you had expected him to be a bit late, so you didn't mind it. the award show had been live, and it had ended at around 7:30. however, you knew it would likely take him a while to get ready and to get back to the hotel. so you waited patiently, knowing your boyfriend to always stand by his word.
it was at 9:33 that you began to worry. you had already sent him a few texts, not wanting to bother him in case something was going on. you pondered about texting his members just to make sure everything was okay, but decided against it. you didn't want to be pushy.
it wasn't until the clock hit midnight that you'd given up. by then you had already called a few times, only being met by his voicemail. at 12:18 you called his manager, knowing that was your last resort. the response you received was disheartening to say the least. he had informed you that your boyfriend and his group had been taken to an after party, claiming it had been a last minute thing, but that they'd all seemed pretty enthusiastic about it. you decided not to voice your annoyance to joshua's unsuspecting manager, instead choosing to go to sleep, sad and dejected.
the next morning when you woke up to 28 messages and 5 missed calls from joshua, you turned off your phone, disregarding him in the same way he had you. happy birthday to you.
jihoon -
despite popular belief, jihoon was not as emotionally constipated as he seemed. he was a great boyfriend, always making sure you felt loved and tended to. you were always one his top priorities, so he would do his best to spend as much time with you despite his packed schedule. you were also one of the only people who made him want to clock out at the end of the day, knowing you'd always be home waiting for him with open arms. jihoon, however, still had the tendency of sometimes holing himself up in his studio. during these periods of time, jihoon would cut off most contact from the outside world, being hard to reach for a few days as he stayed over at his studio without ever making it home.
this week was one of those times. jihoon never really scheduled these occasions. they'd just somehow end up happening whenever he had a spurt of inspiration, being able to conjure an entire series of songs he believed would perform well together. he liked to keep things organized, after all. any time he disappeared for over 24 hours, you could safely assume he was in his studio, not even allowing himself the simple pleasure of going on his phone to message you. for entertainment, he would sometimes allow himself some anime in between work, but not much more than that. he'd still leave the studio occasionally to show up to dance practice and such, but he would not interact with anyone other than his members, his manager, and maybe some staff if need be.
he knew this might be a bit too much, but it was all part of the creative process. as of today, it had been three days since he had left the hybe building, having given his manager full control over his phone as he wished to remain as productive as possible. he knew that one single text from you and he'd haul ass back home, too lost in the bliss of your presence to get himself to do any work. he missed you, of course, but this was not your first rodeo. the two of you had gone through this before, and it seemed like you accepted his weird work habits, having never complained nor shown discomfort over them. which was why he was quite shocked upon finally exiting the building four days later and calling you up in order to finally check in on you, but not finding the usual response.
the first thing he did as soon as he got his phone back was he call a few times, but he had received no response, which was quite strange from you. he knew it was kind of hypocritical to expect an immediate response considering he had gone off the grid for a few days, but he also knew you were usually free at this hour, so he had expected the usual reaction in which you'd jokingly curse him out for ghosting you followed by an invitation to come over.
he decided then to open his imessage, choosing to instead text you and maybe check in on any of the notifications that never arrived due to having kept his phone muted and away from his reach for the past few days. that was when he realized his grave mistake.
from: my love ❤️‍🩹
(sun) baby
(sun) babyyyy
(sun) where are you? i thought u were gonna sleep over tonight? did u forget about tomorrow?
(sun) okay i called u and ur not picking up im gonna assume ur busy. ill call u again tmrrw then. gn hoonie <3
(mon) okay i gave u most of the morning but its 12 now ... i assumed you'd come back yesterday night. are u at the studio?
(mon) are u rlly holed up there today of all days?? we talked about today last week.
(mon) baby :((
(mon) i dont wanna bother u. take ur time. call me whenever ur done i guess :(
that was when your texts had stopped, two days ago after you had seemingly realized he did not have his phone on him. he also noticed a few missed calls from you during those two days, halting upon the second day of no responses from him.
it had not clicked at first, until he noticed the date above the first text, detailing a day before your birthday. the rest of the messages were sent on the date itself, stopping that same day at his lack of response. the realization made jihoon stop in his tracks. how could it have slipped his mind? not only had he forgotten but he had literally left you in the dark during your special day, even continuing his lack of contact for the next two days. his spiraling thoughts were interrupted by you finally calling him back, something that filled jihoon with hope that you weren't angry at him.
"jiho-"
"baby, i'm so fucking sorry. i swear to you it just slipped my mind. i'll go home right now and make it up to you, i promise," he interrupted you before you could say anything.
you paused before responding, "jihoon. was work that important? was i that easy to forget? i respect your job, but you decided that day of all days?"
"it wasnt on purpose! baby, please just let me- let me come over and i swear we can have the day together. ill take off tomorrow too. the whole week! im so sorry."
"im ... im not really in the mood to see you right now, hoonie. it's been three days. i thought about just barging in your studio, but i didnt want to be that type of person. i had the stupid hope that you'd show up, that it wasnt that easy to just disregard me, but i was wrong. clearly."
"baby ... im so so sorry. i .. i'll give you your space. can i .. can i see you tomorrow then? please?"
"i'll call you to let you know, okay?"
jihoon held his breath at this, but quietly accepted your request, "i .. okay, baby. i love you."
"yeah, love you too," except your tone was cold, followed by the beeping of the phone, signaling the call had been disconnected.
seokmin -
many people knew seokmin as the embodiment of boyfriend material. or that was at least what many of his fans called him. in reality, he was even better than what cameras showed. he was the nicest, most respectful boyfriend imaginable, always providing you with everything you could ever need and more. he'd come home with flowers on a regular basis, he'd call you every single day to check in on you. he'd make you breakfast any time he had to leave before you, wanting to make sure you were well fed before a new day. he'd go above and beyond on any and every ordinary day in order to show you his utmost affections for you. don't even get you started on your birthday, which was a national holiday in seokmin's eyes. a day dedicated exclusively to celebrating the birth of his beloved? sign him up! nothing beat a day in which he could freely express all types of love towards you. he was over the moon every 365 days, knowing his favorite day would come again and again.
he had a huge day planned for you this year. there was a carnival in town, so he had planned to grab his manager and sneak out there with you for an hour or so before taking you back home. he also planned a cute moonlit dinner out on his balcony upon arriving home. it was all perfectly romantic, just like every other of his gestures towards you. he had the day marked on his calendar, only counting down the days until it finally arrived.
unfortunately for you both, your birthday landed on a work day for seokmin, who actually worked every day, really. but it was fine! seokmin had planned around that. he had his regular rehearsals plus a public appearance at a fashion show in the evening, along with a quick appearance at the afterparty, but after that he was all yours. he had to stay at the dorms this past week, having an extremely packed schedule, but he had made sure to text you a huge good morning paragraph detailing his love for you and how thankful he was you were his (just usual seokmin behavior, to be honest).
the fashion show had passed by quickly, having only taken a few hours. the after party, however, had been dragging a bit. it was now 6:04pm. he had promised you he would be home by 6:30, giving you enough time for the quick outing he had planned, plus a romantic dinner afterwards. he knew he still had time, but he was still worried he might not be able to follow through with his plans. the last thing he wanted was to be late. he currently had no way to communicate with you either, as his manager had possession of his phone while he was in such public schedules.
he lingered a little, making conversation with anyone he knew. there were many familiar faces, with a majority being that of actors who were also ambassadors of the various luxury brands at the event. he even saw a few actors he had been dying to meet. he felt badly at having such a good time while you were at home probably awaiting his return, but that thought left his mind as soon as a few of his musical performer friends approached him, engaging him in conversation. if there was anything seokmin was, it was overly friendly. he never said no to a conversation with friends, always being the energy maker in any and every relationship. however, it was easy for him to lose track of time and space whenever he found himself in conversation with friends, which was how time once again got away from him.
seokmin hadn't realized time had escaped him so quickly until his manager came up to him, quietly interrupting seokmin's lively conversation with his friends to inform him that his phone had been vibrating nonstop. fuck. he completely spaced out. checking his phone, he realized it was now 8:47pm. how had time passed by so quickly? he wad a bit buzzed, but he had no idea how he got caught up in conversation for so long. it was now too late to take you to the carnival, but he could still make it home for the romantic dinner. yes, okay. everything was fine. or at least that's what he thought until finally reading the 10 unanswered messages on his phone (while wincing at the 6 unanswered calls, also from you).
from: my love 😍
(5:32) cant wait for tonight baby <33
(5:32) i even bought a new dress hehe hope u like it ;)
(6:38) baby, are you gonna be running a bit late? it's fine, no rush! just pls let me know so i dont worry haha
(6:49) minnie ... is everything okay?
(7:14) minnie :(( are you coming soon?
(7:45) okay i called u a few times now ... do you not have ur phone on you? idk ur manager's number baby idk how to reach u rn :(
(7:53) they close the carnival at 8, i guess thats not happening anymore is it
(8:16) its so unlike u to keep me in the dark like this. i checked ur location and ur still at the event .. im assuming it ran late?
(8:23) its mean of u to keep me unaware of whats going on minnie
(8:35) okay nvm. u can just stay there. ill see if one of my friends wants to go out. goodnight.
the messages kept getting worse the more he read. he couldn't believe it slipped his mind like this. he planned it for weeks, even adjusting his schedule for it. and now he had ruined it all just because he felt like catching up with some friends.
he wasnt sure what to do. he had kept you in the dark all night, not even letting you know he wouldnt have his phone on him for a majority of it. he knew this was just an accidental slip of his mind, but that still didnt remove the way he hurt you. all he could do now was run home and await for your own return, hoping that you'd understand his mistake.
seungkwan -
such an outgoing guy like seungkwan always had high demand. they did call him the energy maker for a reason. his presence would always light up a room, which was one of the things you loved most about him. you'd met him in a very public setting, being able to witness first-hand how well he got along with, well, everyone.
however, his outgoing personality did come with some faults. due to having such high demand among friends and colleagues, it was sometimes a bit difficult to share seungkwan. yes, he was not yours per say, but he was your boyfriend. you liked to think you had special privileges that gave you exclusive access to his company that not everyone else had. and you did. seungkwan always gave you top priority when it came to sharing his time. he'd always let you know how much he cared for you, always babying you and tending to your every need. there was nothing in this world he loved more than you, his beloved, which was why it was easy for him to put everything aside whenever necessary.
now, you were not one to hog your boyfriend. you never wanted to be that person who insisted on having access to your boyfriend 24/7, nor would you ever want to keep him away from his friends. it was with this mentality that you had let your boyfriend know it was fine if he had previous engagements on the day of your birthday, letting him know that you'd be more than happy that day as long as he came home to you for a nice night together. he'd informed you that he'd be done with work that day at around 4pm, letting you know that he'd pay a quick visit to some of his 98-liner friends afterwards before going home to you. he had apologized to you for the bad timing over and over again, telling you that this was the only day they all had a day off all at once and would not be able to to gather for a few months after that. he'd insisted he would be quick, wanting nothing more than to head back to you as soon as possible. you'd assured him it was okay, being happy he'd be with you on your special day at all.
so now you were waiting. you'd spent part of the day with friends and family, not having seen seungkwan since the prior day due to his stay at the dorms this past week. you didn't mind this, though, as you were used to occasional separation due to his career. he had sent you a message in the morning, wishing you a happy birthday and once more confirming he'd be back home soon, prepared to celebrate your day. when it became a bit later than the time you'd agreed, you decided to continue to wait, not wanting to be pushy while he was with friends. when it became a lot later than the time you'd agreed, you decided to message him. but your messages went unanswered. you then began to call, receiving no response. it went like this until around 10pm, when you had finally chose to just change into your pajamas, only to be interrupted by a call from the man himself.
"baby! i'm so sorry, i just got your messages. i lost track of time, i swear! eunwoo and mingyu called me up while i was with my friends, and they were on live, so i had to go or else it'd look bad. don't be mad at gyu! he had no idea. i was supposed to just stay for a bit, but the live kept on dragging. i swear im on my way right now, i'll be there in-"
"kwan," you sighed, "not even a text? i dont understand. i didnt want to be pushy but .. today? i cant even lie to you. i'm disappointed."
"baby .. i'm so sorry. i completely spaced out. it's totally my fault. i got too caught up with my friends and then when mingyu called, i was too buzzed to even think straight. i- im sorry. i love you. please don't be mad," you could hear him pout from across the line, a bit frantic as he explained.
you sighed again, frustrated since you did tell him it was okay for him to be with his friends, but still sad he had forgotten you so easily, "i'm not mad, kwannie. just sad. i wish you'd called me to let me know you wouldnt be here at all today."
"but i will be! i'm heading there right now, baby, i swear!"
"i dont ... i dont think i wanna do anything anymore, kwan. im sorry," you felt childish and immature, but you really did not want to see him right now. you knew your emotions would only get the best of you. having your boyfriend choose to be away from you on your birthday was beginning to get to you.
"oh," he paused for a beat before continuing, "i- i understand. can i ... can i come over tomorrow morning, then?"
"you have work tomorrow. you have work every day, kwan. you dont have to-"
"please? let me see you tomorrow?"
"i- yeah. okay. i'll see you then."
"thank you ... happy birthday, my love. i love you. please dont forget that."
"love you too, kwannie," you felt sad as you said it, but you knew you still meant it. you just needed to sleep on it to ease the disappointment. or so you hoped.
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dokiyeom · 1 year
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AYA’S SEVENTEEN FIC RECS
note: ngl i meant to post this in dec as an end of 2022 sort of thing and as a bit of an apology for my inactivity,, but my mental health has not been fantastic,, but here are some of my favorite seventeen fics that i’ve read !! also ps pls feel free to send me some of ur own favs bc i miss reading fics && i’m begrudgingly admitting that i’m not great at finding fics,, like sm of these i have to thank yeona for sending me :00
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ot13/multi/love interest revealed later on !!
UNDER THE SUN - @wooahaes (series // fantasy/darl+ing au // multi ot13 part)
i think i’ve rbed almost all the individual parts if ur interested in my more specific thoughts but this series has been an absolute comfort series for me for a while !! the relationships between the members and the reader - both platonic and romantic have been so lovely to read !! it’s such a genuinely warm series and the worldbuilding is also just soso fantastic !! it is a fantasy sort of au,, so it’s a bit daunting to get into just because the logic of the universes created in this genre is a bit difficult to grasp,, but uts has such an easy to comprehend world and everything is explained so clearly !! it’s genuinely one of the most comforting fics i’ve read this year and one that i’d highly recommend to pretty much everyone,, even if u aren’t a carat :D
APARTMENT A5C - @suhnshinehaos (smau - college au)
my favorite svt smau that combines some of my fav tropes/aus (housemates and uni) !! ++ i’d argue there’s a found family aspect that just melts my heart soso much,, like the reader’s relationship with the 96 line, both platonic and romantic are insanely heartwarming and comforting !! the banter is so entertaining && all of the additional friendships are just to die for !! esp sana and yuta with the reader !! but honestly this smau is just soso sweet and a story where u really root for the main couple to get together bc they just fit each other so well !! def another fic i’d recommend to anyone !!
LOVESTRUCK @/suhnshinehaos (smau - college au)
short endings for the reader’s other housemates !! has the same entertaining banter and cute relationship buildup that is just soso perfect to read after apartment a5c to treat ur post fic sadness <3 all the relationships are formed in a shorter period of time, but with just that same amount of investment !!
CHOI SEUNGCHEOL
OBVIOUS - @leejungchans  (0.9k words - wedding florist and baker au) 
so stinking cute !! the reader and seungcheol having related businesses and appreciating each other’s dedications to their respective crafts is soso endearing :D genuinely my fav seungcheol fic bc hello ? good writing + sulky cheol + established relationship ? an absolute 10/10 and must read that i revisit way too often :D
YOON JEONGHAN
ORDER UP - @/leejungchans  (2.4k - cafe au)
half of these r gonna b recs from sol’s masterlist,, but her works r just too good !! this fic is so darn cute and entertaining, with jeonghan’s antics + his classic attention n care for those in his life were captured so well !! him remembering the reader’s order and his sheer dedication to orchestrating an opportunity for a conversation outside of the reader placing their order was just so fun to read && is genuinely a fic i reread time and time again :D
CAUGHT @/leejungchans (1.1k - preschool? teachers au)
this. this is so insanely endearing hello ?? jeonghan as a preschool teacher is absolutely perfect, and the banter mixed with such tender love that the reader and jeonghan share is just so <3 it’s a relatively short read,, so i’d highly, HIGHLY, recommend giving this a read because it’s soso worth it,, esp if ur feeling a bit down and in need of something fun and sweet to read :D
REDEMPTION @/leejungchans (11.5k)
such whirlwind of emotions but soso insanely riveting !! bad boy jeonghan,,, oh my gosh a concept i (YOU !!) never knew i (YOU !!) needed in my life. him driving a motorcycle. him w tattoos. insane. amazing. fantastic. and a redemption arc ??? reader holding him accountable for wrongdoings ??? genuine efforts to change ?? go read it rn !! u must !!
CANDLELIGHT @/leejungchans (1.2k) - a fav bc its own of my fav tropes :D (blind dates)
my all time favorite jeonghan fic. literally so sweet to read and had me grinning ?? in the middle of the night ?? at my phone !! that’s outrageous !! but so insanely understandable bc this is such an enjoyable read && just so easily heartwarming to hear about the setup of the blind date. honestly,, i don’t think i can understate just how charming and worth reading this is !! 
THE MOST PRECIOUS THING @idyllic-ghost​ (3.6k - hospital/secret relationship au) 
another charming and lovely fic !!! i’m such a sucker for the secret relationship trope,, and this fic had such a fantastic take on it !! i adored the dynamic that jeonghan and the reader had, esp how much they cared for and rooted for each other :DD the banter at work and the tender love they share at home was also just,, absolutely chef’s kiss !!
HONG JOSHUA
LOVE ON THE AIR @suhnshinehaos​ (smau - college au)
i was. so invested in this smau LMAO but the reader and joshua’s friendship was soso lovely to read !! the buildup and tension were absolutely insane and genuinely had me so excited every time i logged onto tumblr to check for any updates :D the side friendships were also just so lovable and endearing,, and i found this smau to overall b super super charming :D
GOLDEN HOUR @dkfile​ 1(2.4k - summer vacation/bffs2l au)
joshua and the reader’s friendship is just so insanely sweet and endearing to read !! this fic is so reminiscent of a sentimental and fun coming of age romance,, which i feel like fits joshua soso well !! the whole time ur rooting soso hard for the main couple to get together, and just reading the buildup is incredibly entertaining !! and also the banter ?? literally so amazing && funny :D
WEN JUNHUI
HOW HARD MY HEART’S BEATING @adi--writes (3.3k - travel/photographer au)
the prose,, oh my gosh !! this fic played out so cinematically !! i loved jun and the reader’s friendship so much,, and how the fic progresses just naturally makes u root for a confession scene regardless of them being the main couple !! everything flowed so organically and their travel stories made for such a beautiful and compelling journey of love :D
KWON SOONYOUNG
(UN)TRADITIONAL @neonun-au (1.8k - wedding au)
the alt title >>> this fic was so full of personality and the premise just fits soonyoung so well !!! the bond that the reader and soonyoung share is just so insanely heartwarming,, esp their mutual understanding and respect for each other’s values !! in general,, the love in this fic is so genuine and lovable :DDD
JEON WONWOO
FLOWER @wonwoonlight (13k - exes au / editor+writer au)
this premise. my gosh it’s perfect !! this fic was such a great take on the second chance trope and the emotions were so fantastically fleshed out !! the progression of wonwoo and the reader’s relationship felt so natural and overall so enjoyable to read :DD
PLAY AGAIN @shuarush (37k words - coworkers au)
the pining !! the tension !! the friendships !! the anecdotes !! the prose !! go read it !! rn !! overall this was such a beautiful journey to read and i enjoyed it soso much :D aside from the main relationship,, i found the reader and jeonghan’s friendship to be soso sweet and endearing !! i also loved loved loved !!!! the writing style in this fic !! everything was so well paced and patient,, which made for such a compelling and beautiful journey that i absolutely loved !!
LEE JIHOON
LIVE @wondernus (1.24k - est relationship au)
so stinking cute !!!! i’m such a sucker for fics like these where the love interest is live and everyone’s also swooning over how sweet the relationship is :DD the love jihoon has for the reader is soso heartwarming and fuels my unending yearning for this sort of cute partnership <//3 this fic is just so enjoyable and the ending. it’s perfect :DDD bc same soonyoung,, same
HEARTACHE AND A LATTE @dkfile (9.3k - cafe au)
read this after not reading any fics for a WHILE and this was just such a chef’s kiss fic :D like the friendships with seungkwan, soonyoung, jeonghan, and wonwoo ?? amazing !!! but the buildup w jihoon !!! my gosh it was so genuinely cute !! i absolutely adored their friendship and the little indications of jihoon’s feelings for the reader :D just such a cute and lighthearted fic that i’d highly rec !!!
LEE SEOKMIN
SOMETHING SWEET @wonwoonlight (2.1k - cafe au)
your honor i love this fic !!!! w all my heart !!!! this fic captured just how lovable seokmin is && had such a cute pining plot :DD this was soso heartwarming and i was so easily invested in their relationship !! overall,, just such a sweet and enjoyable read :DD
KIM MINGYU
MY DAISY @wonwoonlight (series)
this. this was so fantastic. genuinely,,, everyone needs to read this when they can bc it is soso worth reading !!! i loved the friendships and the reader’s relationship with mingyu so much,, and gyuri !!!! gyuri !!!!! honestly i don’t think i can explain just how much i love this fic,, but pls,, pls read this bc this series is so insanely fantastic and had me so invested the whole way :DD
FIVE SHOTS AT LOVE @wooahaes​ (8.5k)
one of my favorite fics !! one of the first fics i read and i just absolutely fell in love with the setup of this fic,,, like the friendship with wonwoo just absolutely won my heart,, and the deepening relationship with the reader was the cherry on top !! such a beautiful and emotionally vulnerable fic that i found so much joy and sadness, but ultimately such an insane amount of comfort in :D def read and check out some of the warnings beforehand just in case !!
TRIAL AND ERROR @/leejungchans (2.9k - cafe au)
SUCH a cute little fic about mingyu trying to approach the reader but failing so miserably each time :D i had such a great time reading this and rooting for mingyu in each attempt !! his genuine earnestness was so adorable to read the way the ending panned out gave me so many giggles :D
XU MINGHAO
ACADEMIC INFATUATION @berriesandjunnie​ (2.5k - professor au)
i love a college setting, workplace romance, and any au where everyone around the reader/main couple are just rooting so hard for them to get together !!! and omg professor hao AND flustered hao ?? like bc of his feelings and nervousness ?? omg literally such a lovely read !!! i had such a good time reading this && got a bit of a giggle which is so 10/10 when reading a fic !!! def read !!!!
AVANTE GARDE @hoyoungy (4.1k - uni/artist au)
tbh as someone who really loves art,, i found this fic suuper enjoyable !! and black mullet minghao ?? hello ?? overall,, i loved the development of minghao and the reader’s relationship soso much and the general nature of how they get to know one another :D like i was soso invested in their journey and just really loved the appreciation both of them grow and have for each other :DD vv worth reading and would highly recommend :D 
BOO SEUNGKWAN
CLASSMATES TO LOVERS @/leejungchans (2.1l uni au)
bulletfics are def such a gem to read,, like short n sweet,, just perfect for a cute little fic :D i adored seungkwan’s impression of the reader and his sheer admiration for them !! like the chemistry was so on point and executed so well in this format too !! AND THE CHOCOLATES gosh this is so cute i love how seungkwan was written in this fic !! 
CHWE VERNON
WORK HUSBAND @wondernus​ (8.8k - teacher au)
my gosh this was soso cute,, like literally i’ve reread this more times than i can admit :0 the reader and vernon’s friendship is just so endearing and felt so genuine !! i really enjoyed reading the buildup of their relationship and just found this to be such a charming story !! like what i would give. to read this for the first time again PLEASE read this !!!
OR WOULD YOU RATHER IT BE ME @thepixelelf (7.9k - soulmate au)
a whole journey of emotions that had me on the edge of my seat and waiting for the reveal !!! the relationship between the reader and vernon were established so well,, like their genuine care and desire for each other to stay in their lives just straight up tugs at my heartstrings !!! this was such a wholesome and hilarious love story that i thoroughly enjoyed :D
LEE CHAN (aka leejungchans chan fics :DDD)
THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS (6.5k words - flower/tattoo shop au)
i loved the contrast between the reader and chan’s character soso much,, and how that ultimately made their relationship soso much more cute and lovable ?? like how intimidated he was and his little crush that he tried so hard to squander !! i love the progression of their relationship soso much and how genuine chan was written in this fic !!!!
OF STICKY NOTES AND STRANGERS (3.8k words)
every time i sit in a library, cafe, or park, i’m waiting for this to happen to me. i adore the premise of this soso much and how the reader’s friend group schemes to catch the perpetrator :DD like overall this fic was so lovely and i def understand the little crushes you get in public on attractive people in your vicinity while working in a public space :DD just so cute,, so heartwarming,, and def fuels my yearning
SCORED! (12.4k words - uni au)
athlete chan,,, oh wow,,,,, this fic was one of the first chan fics i read as i got into seventeen and definitely cemented him as one of my biases in the group :DD i love the banter that went on between the reader and chan,, as well as all the hilarious little details of the other columns !! like project vernway is forever ingrained in my mind whenever i see pieces christiano siriano or any other contestants from project runway !!! overall i just love how this fic played out and all of the hilarious interactions between everyone involved !!! def a super fun read :DDD
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sluttywoozi · 5 months
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Kinktober Day 28: Knotting + Seungkwan
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For 🐳
Rating: M (18+) | WC: ~2k
Pairing: Seungkwan x Reader | Genre: smut, werewolf
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Warnings: knotting, seungkwan is a werewolf but he doesn't like wolf out or anything, fingering (he doesn't have claws don't worry), mention of fisting but it does not i repeat does not happen, piv sex, breeding kink, so much cum, blood mention, biting, marking, cum inflation, i think thats it inbox me if i missed anything
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Seungkwan has found himself in a little bit of a… predicament. 
He can tell you want him tonight, your eyes following him as he flits around the house and your small touches lingering, but it’s a full moon, and he doesn’t want to risk you like that. 
Just because he happens to be a child of the moon doesn’t mean he can’t be a gentleman. 
And that’s normally what he is, with you at least. He’s a very gentle man and he handles you like you’re made of glass, though he knows very well that if you were made of glass, you would be bulletproof. 
Partially because that’s just how he feels with you, and perhaps also because he’s terrified of ever losing control. That can be dangerous as a werewolf, can lead to all sorts of horrible outcomes, and the last thing he ever wants to do is hurt you. 
But he also hates to deny you, and this is a fact you know well. 
It’s a fact you don’t hesitate to take advantage of too, and he just knows that tonight, you’ll somehow get what you want. 
Seungkwan will have to hope and pray that he can hold himself back, that he can withstand the insane pleasure of you, that he can keep his knot from swelling and locking you together for who knows how long. 
He’s never popped a knot before, it only happens in the presence of a breedable person and usually, he can control it with you. But there’s something about your behavior today that’s making him hot as hell, and combined with the full moon, he fears tonight will be the night he finally lets you feel it. 
.
You make your move before he’s even settled in bed, straddling him as soon as he’s stretched out and rolling your hips against his, the pressure and heat of you on his cock making his head spin. 
“I know you know what I want,” you whisper, leaning in and sucking kisses along the line of his neck. He can hear your heart pounding, smell the arousal that’s already gathering, practically taste your desire on the air. 
You’re right, Seungkwan knows exactly what you want, and like always, he’ll give it to you. 
“I don’t know if I can hold it back tonight, honey, I might knot you,” he warns, all at once sensing your want rising, bubbling up and over in the form of a loud whine and an involuntary jerk of your hips. 
“I don’t want you to, Kwannie, I want your knot,” you promise, pouting and playing with the ends of his hair like you know he likes. 
He doesn’t need long to contemplate, not with you perched in his lap like this and so wet, he could probably slip inside right now. 
He won’t, knows you’ll need a lot of prep if you’re going to take him without pain tonight, and before you can get too carried away grinding on him, he takes you by the hips and carefully lifts you away from him, setting you on your back in bed. 
He can tell you’re trying not to pout again and he rewards you with a deep, loving kiss, his tongue tracing your bottom lip before delving inside your mouth to glide against yours. You settle down soon, humming into his mouth and hooking a leg around his waist to hold him to you. 
Before he can get too carried away, he pulls back and starts to strip both you and him, your hands clumsy with want where they tug at his clothes. When he has you bare, he has to take a moment to drink in the sight of you, of the moonlight shining down on your soft skin, your curves, your angles. 
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, his voice gentle and awe-filled, like this is the first time he’s ever seen you before. He senses your rise in temperature, signaling a full body flush, and grins at his effect on you, happy that he’s not the only susceptible one in this relationship. 
Already he can feel his wolf clawing at him, fighting to come to the surface, but he needs to be careful here, needs to make sure there’s no possibility of him hurting you, which means keeping his nails and his teeth human. 
The nail part is especially important as he spreads your legs and drags his fingertips from cunt to clit and back before letting two of them sink inside you. He’ll have to stretch you out well if you’re going to be able to fit his knot, and with how zealous and persistent you are, he has to ensure you don’t hurt yourself trying to fit it. 
So he’ll open you up, scissor his fingers inside of you, push against the tightness of your walls until he can add another, until it slides in nice and easy, like you were just waiting for something to fill you. 
“How is it, baby?” He asks, wanting to check in as he gets you ready. 
“So good, Kwannie. I love your fingers,” you gasp, arching your back and clenching around him as if to prove your point. 
“I know, honey, I know,” he coos as he curls all three fingers inside of you, searching for your g-spot. He grazes it with his fingertips and you buck up, your legs snapping closed until he uses his free hand to push them open again. 
He aims there with every thrust of his hand, grinding right into the rough patch of nerves inside you and smiling as you writhe beneath him. He loves making you feel good, giving you what you want, what you need, your pleasure always becoming his own. 
You’re getting close, he can tell, your pussy fluttering around his fingers and your moans reaching a fever pitch as you buck into his hand, yours wrapped around his wrist to hold him to you like he’d ever pull away. 
Before you cum, he works in his pinky, all four of his fingers filling you up, and tries not to think about tucking his thumb in too, stretching you with his fist. He probably should, as his knot is likely the same size, but fisting you feels like a bit much for tonight, especially when he’s already going to give you his knot. 
Just thinking about it has his cock hardening where it hangs between his legs, has it pulsing and filling with blood as he takes you apart, has his knot throbbing at the base of his cock like it knows what’s in store. 
Before anything else though, he needs to push you over the edge, loosen you up enough that he doesn’t hurt you when he locks you together. 
So he sets his thumb on your clit and presses down, swirling in the way you like and crooking his fingers into your g-spot relentlessly, unerringly. You break before he can take another breath, your sweet moans floating in the air and your body twisting and turning as he carries you through your orgasm, your walls undulating wildly around his fingers and your clit pulsating under his thumb. 
He has a feeling once won’t be enough for you to take his knot comfortably, immediately pushing for another with rough fingers and whispered words. 
“Gonna cum again for me, honey? You need to if you want my knot, okay? It’s too big for your pretty little cunt, you need to be stretched out for it to fit, hm?” 
He knows you love when he talks to you, love his soft voice and dirty words, and it’s obvious in the way you clench around his fingers and fall into another orgasm, this one gentler but still enough for him to hear your heart race in your chest under the sound of your sharp whines. 
“Now, Kwannie? Can I have it now?” You whimper before you’ve even come down, your legs restless and your cunt fluttering. 
“Yeah, baby, you can have it now,” he assures you, slowly withdrawing his fingers and sucking them clean one by one before taking hold of his cock and lining himself up. 
Normally, he can last long enough to feel you cum twice around his dick, but with the light of the moon calling him and the knowledge that he’ll get to knot you for the first time, he fears he’ll barely make it through one. 
He doesn’t think you’ll mind, not after he really fills you up. 
Which will happen far sooner than expected, the searing heat of your pussy pulling him into the depths of pleasure before he can even pull back and thrust into you. 
“Fuck, sorry, baby, m’sorry, it’s happening now, fuck,” he swears, shoving in deep as the base of his cock grows, swelling with cum and just waiting to spill it all inside of you. 
He can feel your walls straining around him, feel the way they shudder and ripple as they fight to accommodate him, and he leans down to lay kisses all over you, soothing you when you start to whimper and shake.
Your entrance stretches around him and he pushes in just a little further, just enough for his knot to pop inside and lock you together as he breaks, spend shooting out of his cock and splattering against your walls while he moans and twitches and loses himself in you. His mind goes somewhere else and his body takes over, his hips bucking against yours in short thrusts, his cock dragging against your walls and his knot plugging you up. 
Fuck, he suddenly wants to bite you so fucking bad. 
So bad his teeth ache with it, so bad he can already picture the indents he’d leave behind, so bad he feels like he’ll die if he doesn’t leave something that will show everyone you’re his. 
“Can I bite you, baby?” He forces out, lucid enough to ask even as he continues to pump cum inside of you, your stomach swelling with the sheer amount of it. 
“Yes!” You gasp, tilting your head back to present your neck to him, which just makes him feel even more feral as he leans down and sinks his teeth into your precious flesh. He does his best not to break the skin but he can feel droplets of your blood painting his tongue, the taste sweet and heady and enough to make his head spin. You whine beneath him, sounding wounded and broken, and the predator in him loves it, but the boyfriend in him is worried. 
He remorsefully detaches himself from your throat, licking over the mark he left behind and making soothing sounds to comfort you, hoping he hasn’t hurt you too badly. 
“How bad is it, honey?” He whispers, petting your hair and gazing into your eyes, his cock still filling you with what seems to be an endless amount of cum. 
“Not bad, it’s not bad, Kwannie. It’s so fucking good,” you cry back, sincerity and promise in your voice even as tears fill your eyes. “I love it, I’m gonna want your knot all the time now.”
“Really? It doesn’t hurt?” He frets as he inspects you for stray scratches and bites, his hands gentle and his cock still hard. 
“No, never felt this full before, it’s everything,” you almost sound dazed, and he feels some of his worries slip away as a content, fucked out smile stretches your kiss-swollen lips. 
Knowing that you feel good is enough for him to relax, to take hold of your legs and hook them around his waist and lean into you, resting his head on your chest. 
“We’ll be here for a while, might as well get comfortable,” he murmurs before his eyes shoot open at the feeling of you clenching around him.
“Or you could fuck me with your knot,” you tease, your fingers sinking into his hair and pulling. 
Seungkwan’s in love with a fucking menace. 
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Kinktober Masterlist
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sunsetforsvt · 2 months
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"What would it be like to date Boo Seungkwan?"
photo credits: @shua-ssi
angst, fluff, mention of smut;
warning: sorry for any typos, unfortunately i'm not fluent in english :(
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How did you meet?
On a Saturday morning, you crawl lazily into the coffee shop on the corner of your street. You woke up craving hot chocolate, so you decided to treat yourself to a full breakfast.
As you walk up to the counter to place your order, you come across a confused man trying to choose something from the menu. Noticing his difficulty, you approach him in a friendly manner and say: "Hi, I see you're having trouble with the menu, do you need any help?"
The man smiles embarrassedly as he confirms with a shake of his head. He drags the menu towards him and points with his finger at a picture. "Could you tell me the ingredients of this drink? I've been pretending to choose something from the menu for an hour now, but my English isn't very good and I don't understand what it says."
You laugh warmly before explaining the ingredients of each drink, and after helping the man to order, you look at him and ask: "May I know your name?"
He gives a big smile and replies: "Of course! My name is Boo Seungkwan. May I also know the name of the savior of my breakfast?"
First Meeting
The cool evening breeze whips through your hair as your steps quicken, unfortunately you're 15 minutes late for your meeting with Boo. As you walk quickly, you can't help but curse the subway, did public transportation have to be so slow today?
As you enter the restaurant, you see him smiling as he waves to you. As you sit down at the table, he hands you a large glass of beer while saying: "Y/N, you took a long time to arrive, I thought I was going to have to eat alone!"
"I'm sorry, Boo." You say, taking a big gulp of beer to quench your thirst. "Unfortunately the subway didn't want us to meet today."
"One more reason for me to hate the subway." He jokes as he picks up the menu for you to choose something. "I'll only forgive you because you look so beautiful."
"Do I look pretty?" You laugh shyly, tucking a lock of hair behind your ear. "Are you trying to seduce me, Boo?"
You notice the blush appearing on his cheeks as he looks away from the menu. He gives you a shy smile as he replies: "That was my intention all along. Do you like barbecue?"
First kiss
"Boo, stop throwing breadcrumbs at the birds! There's an army of them in front of us." You scold him fearfully as you cower on the bench you're sitting on.
"Don't be like that Y/N, they're hungry! Look how cute they are, they're our friends." He says distractedly, throwing more crumbs to the newly arrived birds.
"When the bread runs out, they'll attack us! There's too many of them, Boo!" You say, holding his arm to stop him from throwing any more crumbs. "I'm scared!"
"What can I do to calm you down? Would you like a hug? A kiss?" He says playfully as he throws the packet of crumbs into the garbage can next to the bench.
Your cheeks flush, you think it's the perfect moment to do what you've been thinking about for weeks. In an impulse of courage you reply: "Yes, I want to."
Seungkwan looks at you with wide eyes, his mouth open in surprise. He spends a few minutes opening and closing his mouth, thinking about what to say when he finally says: "Did you mean it?"
"Yes." Nervousness is present in your voice as you try to explain yourself. "I mean, I'm not going to be upset if you don't want to, I just thought that-"
He interrupted you by putting his hands under your face and kissing you gently. At first, surprise overtook your body and you didn't know how to act properly, but you quickly composed yourself and reciprocated by putting your hands under his arms.
Dating request
You were very worried. Your communication with Seungkwan had been terrible for exactly a week.
Over the last week, he's only replied to basic messages. Now he's sent you a message asking you to meet him at a flower shop on the other side of town. What's wrong with him? Is he crazy to want you out late at night? Why does he want to see you in a flower shop? Has someone close to him passed away?
Worried about this last possibility, you quickly get up from the sofa and pack your old, worn-out sweatshirt, heading for the door. Leaving your apartment, you begin to mentally pray that nothing bad has happened to Boo.
When you arrive at the flower shop, you see him visibly nervous, dressed in a nice suit while he seems to be going over something in his head. When he realizes you're there, he screams in fright, putting his hands under his chest.
You laugh warmly as you take his hands in yours. You remember why you came here and ask: "Boo, is everything okay? Why are you wearing a suit late at night in front of a flower shop?"
"Please, let's go in." He says nervously, opening the door for you.
As you enter, you're confronted with small lights hanging everywhere, showing a small, cozy space surrounded by various types of flowers of all colors and sizes. It was like a fairytale garden, the place was surreal!
"Boo, it's so beautiful here! I feel like I'm in a fairy tale!" You say impressed by the beauty of the place, turning to face the man behind you.
"Y/N." Seungkwan takes her hands between his and sighs nervously. "I rehearsed a lot for this moment, I went over what I was going to say all week, but honestly, I can't remember anything right now." He gives you a nervous laugh as he scratches his throat to continue." "I really like you, I fell in love with you from the first day I saw you. I don't stop thinking about you for a minute during the day and I have an overwhelming desire to make you mine. I want to take care of you, I want to create memories with you and I want to keep giving you the best of me every day."
He approaches you gently and looks deep into your eyes. "Y/N, will you date me?"
First I love you
"Boo, the saucepan is burning! I asked you to stir it!" You say angrily as you rush to turn off the heat and avoid a disaster.
"Stirring the saucepan?" He says confused. "I understood that I was supposed to cut radishes."
"Boo, I asked you to stir the saucepan, I asked you three times." You sigh angrily and turn to him. "You're a terrible kitchen assistant, this is the third time you've ruined our dinner, I want you out of my kitchen!"
He widens his eyes in amazement and says: "You're very ungrateful, you can't throw me out like that." He drops the knife on the counter and puts the radishes aside, crossing his arms to face you.
"Not only can I, but I will." You try to push him out of the kitchen, while he remains resilient in his position. "Come on Boo Seungkwan, I have to finish cooking dinner."
"What you're doing to me is assault." He says indignantly as he continues with his arms crossed. "I'm just not going to report it because I like you very much and I love you very much."
You stop pushing him and turn away to face him with a big smile on your lips. Seungkwan wrinkles his nose, pretending to be offended. You approach him and place a small kiss on his lips, holding him in a tight embrace.
"I love you too, Boo! I love you so much!" You say softly as you pull away to look at him. "Now get out of my kitchen, being cute with me won't help you get away with it."
First fight
"Boo, is something wrong? You've been avoiding me since we got back from dinner." You say worriedly as you sit down next to him on the sofa.
"I don't know Y/N, why don't you ask Jeonghan hyung if there's something wrong?" He mutters angrily as he stares at a random point in the room.
"Calm down, are you jealous? What's gotten into you?" you ask, irritated by the sudden attack, while trying to understand what's going on.
"What's wrong with me?" He finally looks at you after a long time of avoiding you. "Do you think it's cool to talk to your boyfriend all the time about how cool another guy is?"
"Seungkwan, Jeonghan is your friend!" You shout angrily about what your boyfriend has just insinuated. "I said he was nice because he was the most receptive to me, I thought you were happy that I was making friends with your friends."
"You've made a very strong friendship with Jeonghan hyung, haven't you?" He wrinkles his nose in disgust and glares at you, fury showing on his face.
"You know what, Seungkwan? I'm not going to argue with you. You've just ruined my evening!" You shout angrily as you head for your room. "I hope you'll think about that ridiculous attitude you're having, good night!" You bid him farewell by slamming the door.
First time
It's a quiet night, you're lying comfortably on your boyfriend's chest while you enjoy the comfortable silence that hangs in the room.
You feel his hands gently reaching under your blouse to caress your back. It's been a while since he discovered that this is a sensitive spot for you, so he likes to run his fingertips gently down your back to see you squirming on it.
"Boo, it's tickling." You laugh softly, squirming under his touch. Trying to get away from your boyfriend's hands, you climb on top of him, putting your legs next to his body, hugging him to distract him.
Your action isn't enough to make Seungkwan give up, he traps you in a hug and keeps running one of his hands over your back. You squirm trying to escape your boyfriend's grip, trying to hold back the series of shivers and gasps that want to escape your body.
"Baby, I think you'd better stop." He says seriously as he uses both hands to stop you on his lap.
You look at him in confusion, but as you try to move, you feel something beneath you. Realizing what it is, you widen your eyes in surprise as you feel a warmth spread through your body.
"I think we'd better go to sleep." Seungkwan clears his throat to disguise his discomfort, moving his hand to her hips to lift her off his lap.
"Baby, what if I don't want to sleep?" You answer timidly, remaining resistant in your position. As you sit up, you press your ass against your boyfriend's erection, making him moan softly.
He sighs audibly and holds his hips, casting a needy glance at you. "Are you sure? I don't want you to feel pressured, we can sleep if you want."
"I want to, let me take care of you. Since I caused the problem, I have to solve it, right?" You say seductively, while moving your hips slowly over your boyfriend.
Seungkwan can't stand your teasing, he puts his hand on the back of your neck and pulls you in for a kiss.
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heennnngggggarae · 2 months
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7.27 pm
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A/n: This was supposed to be posted on Seungkwans birthday but time got the best of me :(, anyway HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY OUR DEAREST BOO
You still remember the conversation you had with Seungkwan about you buying kotatsu like it was yesterday.
“You bought a kotatsu?”
“Yes and I would really appreciate it if you help me get it inside right now, and stop using that judging tone with me,”
Seungkwan sighed before grabbing the end of the short table and dragging it inside, before placing it sideways beside the coffee table.
“We’re not going to be able to use this, you know? There’s literally no room for this,”
He gestures towards the kotatsu, wearing that expression of his showing his dislike towards something. 
“I’ll make room somehow, and since you don’t like it, I better not catch you using it,”
The way he rolls his eyes made you certain that he didn’t care for your empty threat. And now spotting him getting cozy with your kotatsu while peeling tangerines and watching the tv makes you want to snuggle with him, but you can’t lose the once in a lifetime experience to tease him.
“What are you doing on MY kotatsu?”
The way Seungkwan whipped his head to you with that speed makes you a little bit worried that he’ll give himself a whiplash.
You cross your arms waiting for his explanation while he looked between the tv and you.
“Well?”
“...”
He murmurs as you get closer to him, ducking his head to appear smaller.
“What did you say?” You ask him while holding a smile that’s threatening to show on your face.
“I said It’s cold and you're not home yet so I can’t snuggle,”
He said finally looking up at you with a pout on his face, while you’re beaming and smiling. You put your bags on the sofa before getting in the kotatsu. Your hand wrapped around his waist before you snuggle deeper to his neck.
“You’re teasing me earlier, aren’t you?”
“Mhmm, that was a rare opportunity for me y’know,”
Seungkwan sighs before focusing back on the tv, while his hands divide the tangerines in his hand and feeding one to you. 
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honeyshua · 5 months
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“Can you hold me? The stress isn’t good for the baby.” Your words caught Seungkwan off guard. While it wasn’t possible to say “???” out loud Seungkwan’s face said it for him. “What baby??” Seungkwan whisper yelled trying not to freak out too much. “I’m the baby.” “Yah Y/N you can’t scare me like that!” He raised his voice and dramatically put his hand on his heart.
A few seconds later Seungkwan was giving you a back hug. You sighed happily and took a deep breath. Seungkwan could feel some of the stress seem to leave you just from his touch. “What’s got my baby so stressed?” At that point you were glad he couldn’t see your face and the blush that suddenly appeared.
He guided you to the couch and let you lay on his chest. You vented about everything that was making you stressed. After you vented you felt better and thanked Seungkwan for listening. “You don’t have to thank me for listening. I love listening to you and knowing what’s going on in your mind.”
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cheolism · 11 months
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voice
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➳ boo seungkwan x f!reader
➳ summary: your boyfriend calls while you're fantasizing about his fingers and voice
➳ wc is approx 2.3k
➳ tags: established relationship, phone sex, guided masturbation, mutual masturbation. dirty talk, soft seungkwan, soft!dom seungkwan. seungkwan says take your vitamins!! my adoration for his soft voice and hands.
➳ warnings: reader has female anatomy, two uses of good girl. other petnames: kitten, angel, princess, baby. tears from desperation, frustration.
➳ inspired by @playmetheclassics and the svt carat call
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Five minutes left until your scheduled call with Seungkwan, and you were absolutely screwed.
Your hand was pressed against your cunt, fingers molding to its shape. You weren't doing anything other than grinding gently into your hand, soft little rocks that had your mouth parting and eyes fluttering. Your fingers snagged against the fabric of your sweatpants, the fabric seemingly doing nothing to obscure the outline of your pussy, nothing to keep you bared from the gentle pleasure of your fingers.
The picture on your phone, discarded on the bed beside you, began to dim. You hurriedly tapped it back awake and, once again, were met with the selfie your boyfriend had sent.
It was perfectly innocent. Seungkwan, smiling widely into the camera, cheeks rising like bread and eyes sparkling. His free hand raised, throwing a peace sign into the camera, his long, slender fingers spread in a perfect, unintentional imitation of how he would hold open your cunt when he was ready to feast on your pussy.
His fingers -- you gasped a little, your middle finger pressing down into your hole and just grazing it. Seungkwan's fingers were the most beautiful you had ever seen and were, more often than not, the object of your desire. Watching him peel open ramen packets, tie the laces of his shoes, how nimble his fingers moved and weaved, mind inevitably turning perverted with thoughts of how reverently, deliciously, his fingers moved in your cunt.
You whined, pitching forward and burrowing your face into the sheets. His fingers were so much longer than your own, could reach deep within and bring you to tears in just a matter of minutes.
Meanwhile you felt like crying out of frustration from your own fingers seemingly not being enough.
vrrrrrrrrrrrrt. vrrrrrrrrrrrrt.
The second vibration had you springing up in your bed, thighs inadvertently squeezing your hand further into your cunt. You yanked your hand out, scrambling for the phone.
"Kwannie!" You gasped out, squirming on your bed to get in a comfortable position. You snapped your legs shut in a false pretense of modesty, though all this did was trap the warmth of your cunt, pressing down on it and applying pressure to your clit. But then when you opened your legs for relief the air of the room rushed in, cooling your cunt and causing it to clench.
"Angel!" Seungkwan called back. You could hear the smile in his voice, could imagine how his cheeks were raising, eyes twinkling, how his entire being would be glowing. "I miss you so much, sweetheart."
You sighed, eyes fluttering shut. "I missed you, darling. Miss you."
"Did you get the picture of the cat I sent you?" There was a rustling noise on his end, the sound of sheets and blankets wrinkling. "It was right outside the hotel, I swear! I nearly picked it up and brought it inside. It was so cute and sweet, Angel!"
Seungkwan carried on talking about the cat, describing its tabby orange coat, the amber of its eyes. His voice was soft and sweet, reminding you of gentle smiles and hearts filled with love and adoration, his voice sounding like what kitten paws feel like, like clouds and kitten paws and sweetness personified.
He paused, catching his breath in a soft little pant. The hitch in his breath was minuscule, seemingly irrelevant; immediately your gut was reacting, twisting, your mind automatically filling in the blanks.
Seungkwan, panting; the press of his hands on your thighs as he lifted them, fingers digging into your flesh. His breath, warm against your face as he whined at the feel of your cunt clenching around him desperately. Seungkwan's cock slowly driving into you, dragging against your walls, your cunt rapidly clenching and relaxing in an attempt to accommodate the intrusion.
Fuck.
You put the phone on speaker, resting it on the bed next to you. Then you were tugging your sweats down and over your ass. You stuffed your hand underneath your underwear, the cold of your fingers piercing through the warmth of your cunt and dragging a soft little whimper from your lips.
Seungkwan paused. "Angel? Are you okay?"
"Y -- yeah!" You cleared your throat. "Just uh. Got a little frog stuck in my throat."
"Sweetheart," he began, and you could detect the nagging tone in his voice. It did nothing to stop your fingers from slipping to line with your cunt, your middle pressing down and rubbing tauntingly against your hole. "If you need to grab some cold medicine, go on ahead. I know there's some beneath the bathroom sink. There should be the cherry flavored cough candies you like, I remember grabbing some before we left."
Seungkwan carried on, talking about all the different cold medicines beneath your sink, concerned about your nonexistent ailment. Meanwhile your thumb, not yet warmed from your cunt and still cold from the air of the bedroom, brushed against your clit. The difference in temperature had you jolting, and immediately you were rocking up into your hand.
You dipped two of your fingers into your hole. Not enough to do anything other than massage it, but still you were rocking your hips up into your hand, thumb brushing against your clit. It was a gentle sort of pressure, one that crept up on you and had you exhaling in soft little puffs of air.
"Fuck --" Seungkwan broke off from his tangent about vitamins. You could picture his frown in your mind. "I've got a hangnail."
A hangnail.
On his finger.
Immediately your mind was spinning fantasies. Seungkwan's fingers, his fingers pressed against your cunt instead of yours. His long thumb rocking against your clit in time with his fingers inside of your cunt. His soft, sweet melodic voice coaxing you into an orgasm.
"Seungkwan!" You gasped, the thought of his fingers in your cunt causing your hips to rock up further, your own fingers dipping in further. "Fuck --"
The line went silent on his end. Realization seeped through you, how his name had left your lips wantonly.
"Wait -- Seungkwan --"
"Oh," he breathed against the phone, voice curling in delight. "Is that what my kitten has been doing?"
Your hand quickened against your cunt. No longer were you gently trying to bring an orgasm, trying to bring it like the ocean lapping at the beach on a bright day. Now your fingers were rapidly plunging into your pussy, thumb harsh against your clit, more like the ocean waves crashing against a cliff side during a storm.
"Are you fucking yourself, angel?" Seungkwan's voice was farther away from the phone as he, presumably, worked his pants down enough to stick his hand inside. "Has my dirty little angel been using her fingers this whole time? Being a perverted little kitten?"
"Kwannie," you gasped, eyes squeezing shut. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry Kwannie. Just want -- saw your fingers in the picture --"
Seungkwan chuckled. His voice was deepening quick, gaining that rasp that he acquired when desire settled deep within his gut. "What? Are you telling me an innocent picture like that had you so desperate for me?"
"Your fingers, Kwannie," you breathed, biting down on your lip. You were working your hand furiously in your cunt, but no matter how you tried to bring out your orgasm, something was missing. Something was missing, and you knew it was a man who was halfway across the world.
"Just my fingers are enough to get you to stick your hand in your cunt like this." Seungkwan laughed again, but it wasn't like his loud, cute boyish giggle that constantly had you laughing alongside him. It was dark and stern, the sort of laugh that went straight to your cunt and had wetness gushing from it.
"Yes." You tossed your head back against the pillows. "Your fingers, your voice. Kwannie, your fucking voice."
He swore softly on the other end. "Fuck, kitten. You like me that much, do you? My fingers, my voice? Like me talking to you?"
"Yes."
"Can't believe I was sitting here talking about cough medicine while you had your fingers knuckle deep in your pussy," he sighed. A little groan escaped his lips and had you imagining his hand in his pants, wrapped around his dick, thumb pressing into the slit. "Tell me, sweetheart. Talk to me about it."
"I hate it," you sobbed, hips driving up and into your hand relentlessly. "I want you, Seungkwan. Want you here, want your fingers, want your mouth and cock, want your dick and fingers in my cunt, want it so badly."
Seungkwan whined in response, his stoic demeanor slipping. No matter how hard he would always try, as soon as you started rambling and crying he was on his knees, ready to give you the world. "Are your fingers too short, kitten? Can't reach into your cunt like mine can?"
"Want you," you cried. The pressure in your cunt combined with pure, unbridled emotion had tears stinging at the corners of your eyes. You wanted Seungkwan. You wanted him at your side as the two of you ate cereal in the mornings, wanted to hear him nagging you to take your vitamins, his fingers dividing them up. You wanted his dick in your cunt, wanted to feel his wicked fingers press into you.
You missed Seungkwan, you missed him so fucking much.
"Fuck, fuck," he hissed into the phone. You could picture it, his eyes pressed shut, eyelashes fluttering against the rise of his cheeks. His mouth in a pout, his lips glistening from the juices of your cunt, your saliva. "Wish it's my fingers in your pussy, angel? Wish it's my fingers sinking into you, wish it's my fingers knuckle-deep?"
You couldn't help but nod into the phone. You couldn't do anything other than whine, your thumb bearing down on your clit meanly. You wanted Seungkwan; wanted to orgasm; wanted his body next to yours, wanted his thighs wrapped around your head as you take his cock in your mouth.
"Gotta picture it's my fingers," he ordered, voice soft but no less stern. "It's my long fingers in your cunt, angel. It's my thumb on your clit, it's my fingers that you're clenching around. It feels so good, kitten. Love how you feel around my fingers always. Love how you sound for me, love how pretty you look."
"Kwan," you sobbed.
"Can hear your cunt, kitten," he groaned. "Can fucking hear your cunt around my fingers. I bet you're soaked. You're soaked for me, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Good girl. Always so good for me, baby. You gotta keep being good, angel."
"Mm good," you whimpered. "Always good. Good for you, Seungkwannie."
He cursed into the phone again. "Fuck. Your hand feels so good on my dick, angel."
You could practically feel his dick in your hand. Could see it, how it would curve upwards, precum leaking profusely from the tip because you and Seungkwan were absolutely messy together, his cock always wet for you, your cunt always drenched for him.
"Feels so good," he echoed, voice tearing off in a soft moan. "Gonna cum for you, angel. Can you cum for me? Need you to cum, kitten. Need to hear you cry, need to -- fuck, fuck. Gotta cum for me, kitten."
"Kwan --" You shoved a third finger into your cunt, the stretch immediately burning. But you carried on, desperate, the stretch delicious and burning and driving you insane. You felt full, moreso than before, but -- "Need your cock, Kwannie. Please, please, please --"
"Don't cry, kitten," he cooed. "I'll give you my cock. Just cum for me first, okay? Gotta get your cunt all soaked and pretty first, okay?"
You nodded into the phone again. You were working hard, desperate for a release. But: "Nothing -- Kwannie, I can't, I can't --"
"It's okay, angel," he soothed, his voice gentle and sweet. "Calm down, baby. Listen to me, all right?
"Take your fingers out, okay -- don't cry, it's okay, kitten. Gotta trust me, trust your Seungkwannie, okay? Take your fingers out, wipe 'em off. Can you do that?
"Want you to grab your pillow. The second one, the one beneath the first. Want you to mount it, kitten. Mount it like it's my dick. Put the side against your cunt. I want you to ride it, angel. Drag your cunt on it, rock on it. That's it, that's a good girl. Love hearing your whimpers, baby.
"Okay. Grab my pillow, sweetheart. Press your pretty face into it, want you to breathe it in. Bet it still smells like me, don't it? Take deep breaths in. Want your tears to soak it, baby.
"You're doing so good, princess. Can you -- want you to focus on pressing your cute little clit against the pillow, okay? Feels good? You look so beautiful, kitten, look so perfect. You sound perfect, and you feel so perfect around my fingers.
"You gotta cum now for me, okay? Can you cum for me like a good girl?"
Both pillows soaked, one from your cunt and orgasm and the other from your tears, you flopped onto the mattress. You panted, closing your eyes as you tried to catch your breath while your hand patted around for the bed, trying to find your phone.
"Kwannie --" You gasped, bringing the phone to your face. "Seungkwan, fuck -- did you --"
Seungkwan laughed, though not unkindly. "Of course I did, angel. You sounded so beautiful. I wish -- I wish I was there with you, though."
You shut your eyes, feeling a lump form in your throat. "Yeah. Yeah. I wish you were here, too, baby."
"I'll be back -- fuck --" You jumped at his startled shout, pulling your phone away from your face in bewilderment. You could hear him shouting from the other side of the phone. "No -- get out! Fuck, I told you not to come in --"
"It's my room too --"
"Hoshi, I told you to give me an hour! I swear to God --" Seungkwan's voice suddenly was loud in the phone, desperation heavy with every word. "Baby, I gotta go. I'll call you back -- just give me -- CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR KWON SOONYOUNG!"
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lee-aveyourmark · 11 months
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pov: you're doing grocery shopping with seventeen - maknae line
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∘.∙°. masterlist Warnings: mentions of food, alcohol, public affection
A/N: For legal reasons, some of this is a joke. I don't mean to undermine any of the members, so please don't misread my writing :)
mingyu Efficient. Knows what he needs to buy before entering the store, but is also flexible in changing his shopping list or meal plan if the store doesn't stock certain items. Is not afraid to ask store clerks where certain items are. Ends up inadvertently flirting with the aunties, and it takes a foreign hand on his bicep for him to quickly say his goodbyes and run back to you, whining and burying his face into your neck. Wine is a must-add to the cart. There's often a request from Seungcheol for a certain snack. Mingyu is reluctant in gratifying his hyung, and that reluctance quickly transforms into jealousy when you drop the requested item into the basket with indifference. Definitely needs you to hold his hand and stroke his hair for the next five minutes before the jealousy can dissipate.
the8 LIkes to shop at Chinese grocery stores as much as possible, since his culinary range is probably largely Chinese. You can often find this man in the tea section, browsing new leaves for his next tea ceremony and meditation session. There'll most likely be a mala-flavoured item that ends up in the cart. Enjoys introducing you to all the different spices frequently used in northern Chinese cooking and giggles at your cute pronunciation of their names. Also enjoys making conversation with the grandpas that compliment your relationship and- wait, is that Jun? You don't recall being told that he was going to be here. Oh, and now you're being sidelined and thirdwheeled as Jun drags Minghao to check out the newest instant ramen on offer.
dk Giggles, blushes and twirls his hair around his finger every five seconds because, omg, you're out buying groceries with him - how domestic! Absolutely adores taking photos of you doing literally whatever at the store - looking at items, picking items up, eating samples, pushing the cart - he's capturing it all. Tries so hard to control himself when seeing you strolling down the aisles in his oversized hoodie, but fails miserably as his lips make contact with your cheek. As our resident ray of sunshine, this man will buy food based on how cute the packaging is. I'm talking bright colours, funky fonts, and baby animal mascots. Will also choose the odd-shaped fruits and vegetables because they're "quirky" and he feels a little sorry for them.
seungkwan Is an absolute sweetheart to all of the elderly ladies slowly pushing their carts through the store. Makes conversation with them and helps them pick items off shelves that are too high for them. Also is super sweet to the children, complimenting them and playing with them. He's always closely inspecting the health foods on offer, but looks forward to seeing the pastries from the bakery next door to the supermarket. When you offer to buy him some, he adamantly refuses, makes the excuse that he was just browsing and then complains about his diet under his breath. The excitement lit across his face when trying the weekly cookie menu is something that you'll never get sick of, and you make sure to bring him grocery shopping more often.
vernon What is Chwe Hansol doing in the grocery store with you? Honestly, he's asking himself that too because this man has zero experience. The assistance he attempts to provide is based on information from the internet, and I'm talking about WikiHow articles on buying bread. Uses logic to the best of his abilities, helping to choose items based on price point. However, logic doesn't get him very far when you're asking him which brand would taste the best. Will internally freak out if you leave him in the queue to grab something, and will need a breather when you return to the line with the loaf of bread that you forgot. Always has music on, so you'll need to give him a good shake of his shoulder to grab his attention.
dino Our maknae can cook, but that doesn't translate into having sense regarding grocery shopping. If he can't track you down amongst the aisles, there's a high chance of him calling another member for help. Particularly, he'll likely call a 95-line hyung with the expectation of them fulfilling their hyung role. Alas, I'm not entirely sure if Seungcheol, Jeonghan or Joshua knows whether a three-dollar cucumber is a bargain or not. Is extremely confused when you're walking around slapping watermelons like Seungcheol would his ass amidst dance practice. Honestly, just very confused but also very curious and willing to learn lots on how to select the freshest produce so that he can impress you with a tasty homemade dish one day.
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wondernus · 6 months
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˗ˋˏ Briefly Orange ˎˊ˗
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SYNOPSIS: Fragmentary source of healing and like an oasis away from the city, for his group of friends, Boo Seungkwan’s family farm is a regular vacation destination away from the city. Yet Seungkwan wishes for anything but a future filled with mountains of oranges, his dream of living in the city still ineffaceable in his head. When he receives a request from a friend he fell out of touch with asking if they could stay on his farm for the summer, Seungkwan finally finds himself in an opportunistic place in which his dream can finally become a reality. Why? Because you’re cursed to have everything you love disappear.
Sweltering heat and an eventful summer, magic touches lives in ways that we can never imagine. But in this transition between seasons, we find ourselves asking: when loss is as transient as the lives we live, what does it mean to love with every fiber of our being?
PAIRING: bsk x reader
GENRE: angst, romance, slice of life, magical realism
TAGS: food/drinks, time jump, friends to lovers, single father!csc, summer fic, slow burn, cooking processes (including descriptions of knives), a character falls off an atv, different povs (yn's chapters are set in the past / seungkwan's chapters are set in the present), soonyoung and jihoon should have their own separate warning
WC: 32k
A/N: if loneliness and loss could be consolidated through prose, maybe this fic was meant for you – nu.
wondernus's masterlist
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ONE. PEELED ORANGES
It starts with the peel. Hold the orange in both hands and press your thumbs against the hollow bottom where there’s an open dip between the peel and the fleshy meat of the orange. Press into the peel with the tips of your fingernails, hard, penetrating the peel and creating a perfect opening to peel the fruit. Then, start peeling the bright and smooth outer shell away until you’re left with that orange and fleshy ball of juice. When you halve the fruit between your fingers, it sizzles and cracks crisply as you rip it apart — sometimes the juice escapes the membrane in a transparent drop of liquid, collecting on your finger, and rolling down your hand toward your arm. Sweet or sour, the rest comes after.
YN
Sometimes when we’re not careful, we fall in love.
Waves broke over and over again against wet sand and caused hundreds of tiny ripples to race towards the shore, outlined by a frothy white foam that briefly settled on wet sand before it dissipated. You thought that you knew everything there was to know at that age. Fifteen. It was the oldest you’ve ever been. From your spot on the sand, far away from the water, you knew exactly where the water would run and stop to kiss the sand and say a brief greeting before leaving. You knew how in Autumn, the sun sets in hues of pink and orange that blend so finely that you would often wish that the sky was always pink instead of blue. And you knew that she was happy to be walking barefoot in the sand-turned-sludge area of the shore with her army green capris rolled up to her knees and her scuffed sneakers dangling from their shoelaces in her hands.
There she was in the distance, mouth pulled back into a wide smile as she looked down to watch and feel how the waves quickly run over her feet to wash the sand away and leave her about an inch or two deeper in the sand when the water retreats back into the ocean. From where you were sitting, you could clearly see her looking back at you while her entire upper body shook with glee from her happiness of simply being at the beach. Giant chunks of her unkempt bangs kept hitting her face as the ocean breeze blew, but she didn’t mind. She was so happy that you swore you could hear the remnants of her laughter carried by the breeze that brushed against you. You knew you were happy to be there. With her.
However, at that moment, you felt it grow in you again. It was that same feeling that came and went during the past few days during class, on the way to school, and even at night right when you tried to keep your eyes closed to sleep. Eyes locked on her as she squatted down to inspect something in the sand, you could barely hear the people around you as your vision tunneled while the previously acquainted feeling grew with so much warmth in your chest that you didn’t know whether you should scream in fear or cry from that swell of happiness. The more that feeling grew, the more it weighed your heart down so much that you felt that the weight could send something seesawing out of your mouth and past your lips. There was no escaping the feeling this time. No more suppression. You were in high school then. You had to be braver and smarter than you were in middle school. You could feel the words on the tip of your tongue, drying your mouth to a sandpaper texture and threatening to escape from its prison. Raging seas. Raging emotions. It threatened to come like the waves.  
Water. You wanted to table the feeling and drink something refreshing before fully exploring it. No, you weren’t making an excuse to push it away, you think. Again. Practically forcefully peeling and prying your eyes away from her figure, which was making her way back to where you were sitting, you quickly dug through your beach bag to find the crinkled plastic water bottle you’d forgotten you brought. You felt assured that she would be coming to your side in that empty space between you and her stuff on the blanket you were sitting on. So when you finally uncapped the water bottle and brought the bottle to your lips, you let the lukewarm water fill your mouth, saturating every parched crevice in your mouth before gulping it down all at once. The second gulp of water wasn’t as big, but a few drops managed to escape the passage between your lips and the water bottle’s opening. And they trickled down the corner of your mouth and down to your chin before you wiped it away and stopped it with the sleeve of your new school hoodie. 
You could hear her, her and her sweet voice calling for your name. Voice as affectionate as she was, it always felt like a symphony in your ears with the percussion section located in your heart. The very thought of her made your heart beat and hammer like a timpani during a solo or a piano played by the world’s finest musician. Ba-bum. Ba-bum. Ba-bum. Allegro. This time her voice was calling for you to come join her in the shallow part of the water. Wade a little bit with her because it would feel cool against your hot skin. It was a hot day. She didn’t know why you kept your hoodie on the whole time, but she was just happy you were there with her. You haven’t moved from your spot except to toss a stray volleyball back to its owners. Come on, go join her. Please. She wanted you to. The feeling wanted you to. You wanted to.
When you finally looked up, you could see the waves crashing against the shore underneath the setting sky. Peace. Nothing rang in your ears except for the sound of the roaring waves and the joyous shrieks of small children being chased by their parents. Nothing weighed down on you, not even personal worries about the future after high school that your classmates often talked about. Despite how your skin still felt hot and stuffy under your hoodie, you didn’t feel particularly parched. After all, you haven’t moved all day from your spot except to return a stray volleyball back to its owners. Even then, it was a lot better to cover up than to have your skin feel dry yet sticky from the warm and salty ocean breeze and mist flying against you all day.
Hot sand. Stiff crossed knees that were in need of stretching. You never expected anybody to be by your side when you looked up. Nobody to walk around the beach with. That day, you came to the beach alone to sit and people watch as the sun set in front of your eyes. It was nice being there by yourself, with no bag to watch over and no extra tracked sand leading into your house. Nobody to care about. Empty shell of a body like a lonely sandcastle alone on dry sand. There were footprints that led towards where you were sitting. No person who the footsteps belonged to.
Incoming sunset breeze to cool your face. Pulverized stone exfoliate via walking. Footsteps on the shore without a trace.
Inexplicable feelings. Setting sun. Forgotten youth. Home.
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TWO. ORANGE JUICE
Roll your orange against the counter while pushing against it. Don’t be afraid to rough it up a little. We’re trying to release the juices. I think I learned something weird from this old television show I used to watch with my mom before bed that was part talk show and part DIY show… Huh? A mom? Let me finish first. So the ladies with their black hair in neat curls and matching outfits with those really fluffy short sleeves were talking to a guest, someone that deals with food maybe. Anyway, I learned that if you toss citrus around in your hands for a while, the tartness of the fruit gets replaced with sweetness. So I spent much of my childhood juggling my tangerines from the sidelines of the soccer field before eating them. Unfortunately, because I spent too long juggling my fruit and ended up eating it last minute, I always ended up with a stomachache that sent me back to being benched. Silver lining is, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a sour piece of tangerine before. So if you want a sweeter juice, I guess you can juggle the fruit a little before you halve it. Orange juice is easy. I don’t know why I have to teach you. But I guess you’re a good listener. That’s nice.  
SEUNGKWAN
The large rolling suitcase leaves behind two long indents in the dry dirt path as it drags along the road. Each pull and tug towards a new temporary familiar coats the once black and glossy wheels in a matte tan color disrupted by speckled imprints of tiny gravel in every new layer of dirt rolled onto the suitcase wheels. Once in a while, much like the long lines used to omit phrases from a written sentence, the wheels break through a pair of footprints that belong to the person pulling the suitcase. Still, the traces along the dirt path are never straight nor as continuous as one would usually prefer. As an arborist would study the rings of a tree to determine periods of sickness and health, anybody could see how the lines left by the suitcase indicate periods of pause in transit, a person struggling along the road, and moments of pure and undisrupted conversation.
Under the warm morning sunlight, Boo Seungkwan has a new kind of warmth lingering by his side — someone so familiar yet so new, neither déjà vu nor jamais vu but nostalgia in person. He hasn’t seen you in years, yet he can’t find himself saying he expected the person to step out of the taxi to be a person drastically different from what he remembers. But you’ve changed since he last saw you, albeit it’s a more mature version of you who walks alongside him toward his family farm.
Seungkwan knows everything about you. For instance, as long as he asked you about family, close friends, past relationships, or the summary of the last chapter you read, you would always answer him truthfully, albeit bluntly. In the past, he would often find himself wondering whether or not you never tried to ask him any questions about himself because you were simply not interested or if you were afraid of your inevitable. He knows the amount of hair that collects on your drain every time you shampoo your hair. He knows you never order the same drink from a coffee shop twice. He knows the answer to every single question he has ever asked you to the point where even he's afraid that one day he would run out of questions to ask you. So when he received a message from you asking if you could work at his farm for the summer in exchange for room and board, he knew both your lives are about to undergo a new form of change and momentum. Change or no change, he agreed to your request if and only if you would be willing to fulfill his additional term: you must help him get rid of his oranges.
What presents itself as the summer getaway of the century is a 3-acre piece of land that hosts a small orange grove behind the cream-colored family farmhouse and guest house-turned-seasonal café that Seungkwan was left in charge of for the summer while his family vacations in the Maldives. Even sitting in the car with the windows down and turning onto the street the property sits, wafts of honeyed and tangy citrus can energize those on a long journey away from the city. Besides the dirt road that leads towards the farmhouse are large patches of clover in place of grass, and a beautiful array of flowers and bushes are planted between dirt and clover. What is most magnificent, Seungkwan points out while walking up to the farmhouse where you would be staying for the rest of the summer, is not the fact that his grandparents built this place from the ground up or the thousands of oranges they produce each year, but the fact that he drew the long end of the stick for you so you have the first-floor study to yourself instead of having to share a room with the rest of his friends.
When his introductory gist is returned with your silence, Seungkwan finds himself too embarrassed to see whether or not you reacted in response. But if he took the time to look, he would’ve seen you looking around your surroundings in awe, your mind wondering about how much of the landscape could change just by being thirty minutes away from the city.
“Let’s see,” Seungkwan mumbles while he opens the front door and leads you to the interior of the house in an attempt to free himself from his embarrassment. “The study is the first door on the left down the left hallway. It’s a sofa bed, and I already set it up for you. Laundry room is one door down. I’m in my grandparents’ bedroom down the right hallway. There’s also a bathroom and a guest room on our side. Everybody else should be upstairs…if you think it’s awkward to have pictures of my family stare at you while you sleep, I won’t be offended if you turn them around.” He scratches his hair, still trying to figure out whether or not he conjured an air of awkwardness between you and him.
He hovers behind you as you quietly make your way to your room — him studying how you crane your head to look around the foreign farmhouse interior from the living room to the ceiling's supportive wooden beams. It is rather quiet, as if you’ve both run out of topics to discuss after the brief moment you shared while trekking from taxi to house. He doesn’t know why he hesitates when you reach for the door's doorknob as if he were imagining you to be some interior design critic for a magazine. But his breath hitches for a second when you open the door and step into the modest office. Distracting himself from nothing, he looks at anything but you and settles for the tiny streaks of dirt your suitcase wheels brought indoors. And he smears the dirt streaks with his foot, making a mental note to mop when he has time.
Not too long after you enter the office, your voice calls for his attention. "Seungkwan?" You call for him.
Seungkwan steps into the office's open doorframe, careful not to cross the threshold of the room to give you some privacy. He notices you are sitting on the edge of the sofa bed, your suitcase temporarily tucked against the wall and underneath the light switch. Framed pictures of his family sit on the office's bookshelves. Some pictures depict little Seungkwan in a puffer jacket while holding large oranges in his tiny hands, causing Seungkwan to become quite embarrassed. What is more, is how he notices your hand clutching the blanket you sit on loosening with his presence and leaving a mountainous crease in its absence. 
You thank him. 
The response sounds like a squeak, which Seungkwan finds amusing and reassuring. There is the fact that there is an air of awkwardness present, not from his creation but from the years the two of you spent apart, that causes you to squeak. Gratitude is phrased simply, the attempt is more than enough to let him know you are feeling the same way he is feeling.
Truthfully, Seungkwan is still trying to fathom and process the fact that you are here with him. It hits him in this moment that maybe the you who sits in comfortable silence while staring out the window is not exactly the same person he once knew like the back of his hand. Finally taking time to look at his friend closely, Seungkwan still recognizes you in the same way that we recognize ourselves as ourselves even when all of our cells have exchanged themselves for new cells. He recognizes the way your hands clutch into balls with your thumbs placed between your pointer and middle finger when you fidget. He recognizes the backpack you brought as the same one you used in college. But he fails to recognize and understand why or how you have become the person to reach out to him for any reason. Why is it that he was chosen to be one of your protagonists in your journey to find the meaning of your life? How is it that a nobody who dreams of a life unattached to the farm could possibly offer something of such value to someone who constantly lives life in fear of loss?
The truth is, there is always something about being next to you that always makes Boo Seungkwan want to cry. Pity doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling that wells and burns in his chest. Is it rage? Sadness? Regret? Empathetic and sympathetic as he is, he is prone to wearing his emotions before he can even realize what he is feeling. Being next to you causes his chest to concave and collapse in on itself, but he knows better than to feel bad for you. Or maybe he thinks it’s so fucked that you’re in a position in which you’re so desensitized to loss that you can’t even recognize at any moment that you lost what you loved. Always by your side, or at least until a few years ago, Seungkwan was there to reintroduce you to the things and concepts you’ve once loved because he cared and noticed. A savior isn’t who he’s trying to be, nor was that ever his intended role. Maybe a constant without caution is what he strives to be, even if his selfishness causes him to believe that in case you ever allow yourself to fall in love with him he would be able to disappear and thus never take on the responsibilities of a third-generation farm owner.
Yet a curse regarding loss upon a regular human being in love shouldn’t be the wake-up call that shows the world that loss is a daily occurrence. Loss is as banal and unremarkable as its spelling. And Seungkwan knows this. He’s lost torn snack foil wrapper corners from his pockets. He’s lost time during transit. He’s lost those who he once loved dearly. So why is someone else’s loss so much more important to him when he knows that love is involved?
And why is it that Boo Seungkwan chooses to show everybody unconditional love and care even when he knows transactional relationships would statistically yield more return?
Seungkwan isn’t a bad person. There isn’t a single bad bone in his body. He’s known you long enough not to tiptoe around you because, despite your curse, you’re just a regular person. And you would prefer it if other people treated you regularly. But why is it that he feels the way he feels whenever he’s alone with you?
A silver compact car with dusty windows pulls into the driveway, crushing rocks under tires. Seungkwan watches his guests through the study window, how the driver parks his car and pauses his music before pulling up his emergency brake as if his music is more important than the safety of his car. On the bookshelf near the window, Seungkwan’s grandfather’s plastic analog clock continues to tick through the silence and makes itself known.
“I’ll let you unpack on your own.” Seungkwan breaks the silence, only now realizing the time and how he never replied to your thanks. “I have to lead the others to their rooms so call for me when you’re done. I’ll bring you around.”
“Who’s here?” You ask Seungkwan before turning your head to look back at him.
Seungkwan leans against the doorframe and tilts his head toward the ceiling to think. Sticking his fingers out one by one, he lists his upstairs visitors, “Lex, Morg, Noah, Hao…I think you remember Jihoon right? He just arrived with Soonyoung and Terry. Oh, Yunling is also here. Seokmin, Jeonghan, and others are coming later this week.”
“Oh? I didn’t know he was…” He hears you mumble to yourself.
“Oh? Oh. Oh no.” Seungkwan slaps his hand over his mouth in realization. His eyes widen as he stares at you staring back at him, and he feels like he’s about to be presented with the “World’s Worst Host” award. “I’m sorry I didn’t even think about it because I know you haven’t-”
“It’s okay,” you cut him off...a little too eagerly for his liking.
“I’m sorry this didn’t cross my mind at all. I- I can probably keep him far away from yo-”
“It’s okay Seungkwan.” You try to reassure him.
“Are you sure? Won’t it be awkward to spend the summer with him?”
“It’s been years. I think I can manage.” A tight-lipped smile.
“Okay, well I’m here.” Seungkwan isn’t sure whether or not his tone indicated reassurance or his physical proximity to you. He removes himself from the doorframe and turns his body away from the office entrance.
“You are,” you reaffirm, yet your voice can make two syllables sound as monotonous as ever.
“For you if you need anything.” He hopes this fragment can come off as the latter half of his previous statement. Only his head can be seen from inside the office.
“I’ll find you when I’m done.” Your voice is a bit lighter.
“You changed.”
“I’m still trying to change.” Hopefulness. A twinge of a tiny smile.
“You know, I’m glad you’re here. Not just because of the oranges, but I’m just…glad.”
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THREE. HONEY CITRON TEA
You know, I hated this when I was a child because I always associated this with sickness. Whenever I coughed, Mom would grab me by the back of my collar and march me to the kitchen, and she would get the large jar of yuja from the innermost corner of the fridge by pushing all the condiments to the side. I remember the yuja jar being so old that I can’t remember the label, but the faded and discolored leftover pieces stuck to the remaining glue whose stickiness never seemed to wash off my hands no matter how much I scrubbed. Wooden dowl into the jar, it emerges with a heaping pile of jammy and golden cheong. Boiling watery concoction with sunken pieces of rind washes down the sore throat and coats it with handmade love. Eat it, she would tell me, it helps with the swelling. This is what you get for not bringing a jacket with you when you go out. 
YN
During the summer, they switched the old sand for dark brown wood chips. A preschool-wide assembly was held a few weeks into the start of the Fall program regarding playground safety. More children were sent to the nurse’s office than the preschool workers have ever seen in such a short amount of time. It hurt a lot when you tripped and fell on your palms and tried to break the fall in the areas where sand once lay. It hurt even more when the taller kids purposely kicked the wood chips upwards, swinging them at the other kids when they hogged the swings. At least with sand, all you had to do was close your eyes and hold your breath when they kicked so the sand wouldn’t get in your eyes and mouth. But the topic of the assembly was “Walk Don’t Run”, as if the adults expected preschoolers to understand and believe that they were the problem and not the cheap excuse for an easier and flexible playground maintenance.
It was fun spending the day with your friends, digging as deeply as you could in the sandbox before the preschool workers called you indoors. After the sand replacement, it hurt to even kneel on the wood chips. So when you were three, you knew when to stop when you got hurt. After the implementation of the wood chips, you decided to stay indoors.
There was one kid who constantly got in trouble. Whether it be him failing to do assignments or him not finishing his food, he was always punished. You saw him squatting in the corner of the room, mumbling to himself while you played with your toy. It was your new obsession. It rattled. It twisted. It was soft. It kept you company. Weeks passed. You, indoors. Toy in your hand. Boy in the corner. Sometimes mumbling. Sometimes he talked to you. Indoors was safe. That, you understood.
An unfortunate incident, the same boy in trouble again walked past you just as an adult walked into the room. Eyes wide, you sat in a daze with your tiny legs stretched in front of you. You looked as if you had forgotten something. With nothing to do on your spot on the rug, you stared at the boy walking to his time-out spot and then at the adult.
The worker kindly called your name. Where is your toy?
What toy, you replied. There were so many toys that you didn’t know which one the worker was referring to. Trying to decipher the ambiguous question overwhelmed your tiny brain and made your head hurt. Which one, you asked again.
Adults were always weird. They asked vaguely phrased questions and changed directions when were asked to reiterate or further explain their intentions. Instead of describing the toy for you, the worker decided to target the boy because he saw him walking past you when he entered the classroom. Illogical as it was, a new suspect had arisen in the worker’s mind. And to the worker, his mind was absolute.
You couldn’t do anything to help the screaming match that ensued. The boy shrieked until his voice became raspy, crying about how he didn’t steal anything. He looked at you with his helpless eyes, puffy eyes, pleading for you to side with him. He didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t like you didn’t help. You stated that you did not know of such a toy. Collusion. Turning good kids bad. Overthinking in the name of good standing with the directors of the preschool.
The preschool prided itself in implementing strict and good morals in its students. You don’t remember liking the place very much.
On report cards, there was always a section for the teachers and workers to write extra notes. "Good kid" was what was written in the section on the card sent home in an envelope. "Doesn’t cry."
If love erases, then societal expectations belittle human emotions. But what did you know? You didn't remember anything that came after the incident, just bits and pieces. You were only three.
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FOUR. CANDIED ORANGES
She loved eating these, my grandma. It broke her heart when she couldn’t chew through these when she got her dentures. Sometimes she would forget that she couldn’t eat these anymore and would spend an entire day making a batch. Taking her time to text and tell us that she accidentally made some, she urged us to go and pick it up after class. While they were fresh, she said. I'm not sure if it was forgetfulness or the fact that she missed us that she would end up spending hours candying orange slices. I was living hours away for school, and she was too old to send them over by parcel. I wish I made more time for her. 
SEUNGKWAN
“For a person who says that he hates oranges, you sure put a lot of care into them.”
Unable to see the person talking to him from his squatting position in the middle of the orange orchard, Seungkwan takes off his sun hat and lets it drop against his back with its drawcord secured around his neck. Shadow cast by the sun to the side of him, Seungkwan’s eyes follow the shadow towards its person and draw his eyes upon an old man's familiar figure.
“Uncle Hsieh!” Seungkwan exclaims happily upon recognition. He puts his hands on his knees and immediately hoists himself up to greet the elder while eyeing the man’s foldable personal shopping dolly almost filled to the brim with oranges. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Are you picking oranges for your kids?”
The old man immediately crinkles his face and slaps Seungkwan’s shoulder while shaking his head. “You know my kids never have time for me anymore. They took my grandkids on a vacation and wouldn’t let me come with them,” he tsks through his front teeth.
“No.” Seungkwan’s response sounds exasperated. He remembers the Hsiehs to be annual visitors of the farm.
“Right? They said that they’re worried my partner and I are too old to travel. But look at us-” He gestures to his dolly and someone in the distance. “If we’re healthy enough to come to your farm to pick oranges every winter, then why can’t we vacation in a nice hotel?”
Seungkwan quickly waves at another visitor passing by before turning to the man. He doesn’t know what to say in response and only hopes that everything turns out fine for the man because friendly banter would only cause him to bring up the fact that his grandparents are currently vacationing with his family. Not wanting to accidentally offend the nice man, he quickly diverts the conversation with a suggestion. “Chill off in our café before you go, yeah? I don’t want to have you ending up in a hospital because of heatstroke.”
“Maybe that’s the only way that I’ll get my family to visit.” The old man smiles, but Seungkwan can clearly see through the man's humor used as a pretense for his longing and sadness regarding his family. This interaction leaves Seungkwan wondering how his family is doing while he waves the old man goodbye.
This summer, for Seungkwan, is a montage of bliss between new and old moments shared with friends and the constant reminder of how loved his grandparents are by the community. As Seungkwan’s friends slowly move into this farmhouse for the summer, business at the farm proceeds as usual. So he runs the farm and café like how he has been trained to do it his entire life — picking oranges, shipping oranges to local grocers, running the café, making drinks, greeting customers, bookkeeping… He doesn’t complain about the fact that his family left the farm to him for the summer to go on a proper vacation. Bliss to him, then, is encapsulated by moments shared with new and old friends. Moments that make him forget, even just for a minute that the possibility of a predetermined and unwavering future are what make unbearable humidity and sweltering solar heat fundamental parts of a summer away from the bustling city life he’s grown accustomed to.
“Growing accustomed to,” this phrase when taken into another context, however, means something entirely different from Seungkwan. From his pile of oranges, he stacks into a wooden crate to load onto the wagon attachment for his ATV. Seungkwan looks specifically in the direction of the farm entrance where a group of people are working. He spots you sitting with Yunling under the navy blue canopy, chatting away and probably taking a break while persons three and four man the cash register. It’s been a few days since you arrived, but Seungkwan can’t help but want to look out for you as he used to when the two of you were in school together. And he catches himself, as he is doing now, and reminds himself that he doesn’t need to look out for you like how he used to do. That isn’t to say that his friends are bad people, but maybe the only lost puppy he has in his life right now is probably the literal one who is currently on vacation with his family.
Granted, he didn’t expect you to immediately open up to his friends over a couple of hard seltzers by the floor-to-ceiling windows in the sunroom on the first day you arrived. Sitting in the middle of strangers and a few familiar faces, you looked comfortable in your spot on the beige cushions of the rattan sofa.
“I have this condition where everything and everybody I love disappears…” Seungkwan remembers you saying with a soft voice. Your eyes dropped to stare at the open can of hard seltzer you hold in your hands. It was a topic about your life that you often chose to keep hidden, so it felt like a revolutionary turn hearing you address it so openly. “It sounds unbelievable doesn’t it? I had people tell me that it’s a common occurrence to lose what you love, but it’s literally as if that person or object completely vanishes from my life and memory.”
The room was silent after you finished speaking. Nobody raised their drink to their lips, and nobody moved so much an inch. Seungkwan thought that that was it, that everything was bound to fall to ruins. But Soonyoung’s simple yet loud hum of ponderance was enough to break the quietness.
“I think,” Soonyoung slurred, immediately redirecting the group’s attention to him. Minghao, who saw his friend’s tipsy state, reached over to gently pluck the drink from the older friend’s hand to set it on the coffee table in front of them. “I think anything is possible in this world, including magic. I mean look at Alex.” Soonyoung sat up straight and pointed at Alex, who sat across from him, and proceeded to laugh out loud while talking, “Out of everybody around us, he’s the one in a relationship, and you would be lying if you believed he was able to achieve it without witchcraft.”
So, maybe it is in Seungkwan’s nature to worry about those around him. Such nosiness for even the most picayune of problems and people, Seungkwan’s habit of worrying for and about others doesn’t even have an origin story. It just happens because he is who he is.
Dropping the ATV off near the entrance to the orchard, Seungkwan jingles and twirls the keys in his left hand while directing his seasonal workers where the crates should be stored for the night shipment to local grocers. Without noticing how hard he twirls the keys around his pointer finger, the small chain of keys flies off his finger and onto the ground a few feet ahead of him. It lands on a soft patch of dirt, light-colored dust covering surfaces that gleamed with a metallic sheen just a few seconds ago. Someone picks up the pair of keys before Seungkwan has the chance to react in the same way and lightly tosses the keys back to their owner.
Yoon Jeonghan, with his jet-black hair he spent months growing out that finally touches his shoulders, takes long strides towards his friend while reaching into his pant pocket for his phone, a long stream of complaints already trailing out of his mouth.
“I looked everywhere for you,” Jeonghan complains to Seungkwan while Seungkwan finds himself rolling his eyes. “Why didn’t you pick up your phone? We’ve been calling and texting you, but you wouldn’t reply.”
“I left it somewhere. Can’t remember where I put it,” Seungkwan sighs while wiping the dust off his keys with the hem of his shirt. “When did you arrive?”
“Like half an hour ago.” Jeonghan adjusts his light blue baseball cap to better shield his eyes from the sun. He clicks open his lock screen to double-check the text he received from his driver. “Seokmin’s napping in our room. He’ll come out later.”
“Oh no, was the drive bad? When did you guys leave?”
“Nah, the drive wasn’t bad. He’s just hungover,” he replies nonchalantly while shoving his phone back into his pocket. The dark-haired man quickly looks around the familiar farm and rocks on the heels of his feet. “Busy, huh?” He observes.
“Yeah,” Seungkwan agrees. There is a glimmer of mischievousness in his eyes when he cocks his head toward the ATV he parked not so long ago. “But the new investments help.”
“Bro I can’t imagine how cool your grandparents must look while riding the ATVs.”
“5 miles an hour.” Seungkwan gestures to the number five with his hand and drops it after. “Speed demons.”
“Still cool.” Jeonghan nods while looking around his periphery again.
It’s clear to Seungkwan that Jeonghan, who had spent a remarkable amount of time on this farm over the past few years, isn’t looking around to people-watch or check out the farm's new and expensive additions. Jeonghan has been around long enough that even Seungkwan’s grandparents consider him one of their grandsons. No, Seungkwan knows that while Jeonghan is trying to play it off as if he’s only checking out and reminiscing in his surroundings, what he is looking for is not it, but rather, a who.
When Yoon Jeonghan, who is usually not the type of person to be silent or stay still for long periods, freezes in his spot like a deer in headlights, Seungkwan knows better than to follow his friend’s line of vision to see who exactly it was who caught his eye. Instead, Seungkwan looks toward the blue canopy near the entrance and notices two people missing from their posts.
Out of nowhere, Seungkwan feels someone behind him throw their entire weight onto his shoulders. The force of the sudden weight on top of Seungkwan knocks Seungkwan’s sunhat from his head forward and onto the ground and causes him to lose his balance, but he grabs onto Jeonghan's unwavering and sturdy shoulder to steady himself. 
“Seungkwan,” Yunling sings in a sing-song voice. Her bleached blonde hair falls and covers half of Seungkwan’s face as she reaches her arm over his shoulder to wave a familiar object in front of him. “You forgot your phone.”
“Get off me. It’s hot,” Seungkwan groans while bending his knees so she can safely hop off his back. She hands him his phone, which he thanks her for. In the meantime, another person picks the sunhat from the floor and tucks a thick booklet underneath their aim pit to brush the dust off the hat before handing it back to its owner. And Seungkwan finds himself, yet again, thanking another person for handing him an item he dropped.
Seungkwan sees you bring the accounting booklet to the front of your chest while Yunling leans her elbow on your shoulder. It looks like you are about to say something to him, but someone interrupts your question.
“Yn.” Jeonghan manages to push through his state of shock, yet your name rolls off the tip of his tongue as if he spent his entire life dedicated to saying the name he just said.
It feels familiar because it is.
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FIVE. ORANGE SALAD
Orange peel sliced away to form a hexagonal-shaped fruit, lean the fruit on its long side against the cutting board to slice thin hexagons. If what you hold in your hand is too dull, then you risk losing more than what there is to the recipe. Dullness slices the fruit just as sharpness does, but you risk bruising the delicate meat and creating soft pockets of mush while the juice escapes and drips onto the cutting board. There are times when it’s better to do things quickly and all at once or you will risk losing the beauty in your creation. Simple orange slices in a refreshing salad, sometimes it’s better to not try too hard. You did your best. And that’s enough for me.
YN
The more you shifted on your plastic desk chair, the more static electricity you created, causing your arm hairs to stand up straight every time your arm brushed against the back of your chair. But you couldn’t help yourself — the singular high school desk chairs always felt confining to sit in, and this situation felt even more like a prison because you were attending your scheduled parent-teacher conference without any guardians present. The empty classroom was quiet with just your homeroom teacher and you present. Only your cell phone, which sat on the teacher's desk in front of you, rang loudly through its speakerphone option as the two of you waited for your guardians to pick up the call.
The space between your legs and the front of the teacher’s desk was minuscule, to say the least, so you could only stretch your legs to relieve some physical tension in your body toward the side of your desk. She readjusted her dark purple tortoiseshell rectangular-framed glasses on the bridge of her nose as she stared at your phone and then back at you as if doing so could create a telepathic communication with your aunt and uncle on the other side of the world. All that did was confirm that she was very disappointed in the current affairs of your home life.
Clearly annoyed, she pressed the red “End Call” button before the phone could go to voicemail and slid your phone toward you. You leaned forward and gingerly took the phone from the desk and set it in front of you, still feeling the lingering warmth of the screen on the tips of your fingers even after your fingers left the phone. It wasn’t like you were in trouble, but the guilty feeling you felt at that moment burned and churned in your stomach and left you feeling nauseous.
The teacher let out a breathy sigh, grabbed your manila folder from the stack of student folders to the side of her, and opened it to the first page. She tapped her chipped manicured finger on your information that you could not see from where you were sitting and looked at you. Her expression softened as she looked at your body language. She wasn’t mad at you. She knew you didn’t do anything wrong.
“There are a few things that we have to understand as things that are out of our grasp. And today is such an instance in which we have to recognize that fact. Your parents…” she trailed, as if unsure if she should bring up the topic of your parents.
“My aunt and uncle,” you promptly corrected her. “They work overseas on ships so it’s hard to contact them when they’re too far out. I live alone most of the time. But I do have someone who comes in and helps around the house so I guess I’m not really alone.”
“Right.” She nodded. “My mistake, but you didn’t need to tell me that much.”
“Sorry.”
“No, no.” She shook her head and breathed out through her teeth, feeling a tiny unsettled by your current situation at home and in the present. “Um, I think you’re a good student. Actually, an outstanding student given your grades and extracurriculars. But you’re a Junior now, and I really think you should start thinking about your future.” She tried to end her sentence with a polite smile, but you knew that there was still an air of uncomfortableness present.
If you were being truthful to yourself, you would admit that you never really took the time to think about your future as the prospect of a future for someone like you, more often than not, seemed like a myth than a reality. And the idea of going to school for something you didn’t love and then finding a job in the workforce for something you didn’t love felt like a torturous future you weren’t willing to partake in.
Sixteen-year-olds your age, you knew for a fact, didn’t have to worry about their future as you did with yours. Theoretically, our futures would be dictated in the direction of the things we saw ourselves loving doing even if it meant changing directions once in a while. Yours would be too, although the direction of change would be dictated through an erasure. What you love will always become what you lost. Maybe there was one thing that you could relate to others your age: it was the feeling of not knowing what your future would be like. And what would become of your future if you somehow fell in love with yourself? Would you lose the idea of yourself or would you simply perish?
“…career workshop next week. Do you have anybody to pick you up?” Your teacher asked while handing you your manilla folder containing your progress report.
 “I’m taking the bus home,” you replied, feeling sheepish that you completely zoned out after she started talking about your future. You hoped you didn’t miss anything important.
“Okay. Well, stay safe.” She nodded while craning her upper body over her desk to see you put your folder in your backpack. “And I know you’re a bit forgetful at times, so I’ve attached the workshop flyer in your folder so you won’t forget about it. I’ll also remind you in class.”
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SIX. CITRUS SALMON
I wonder if I am wasting away my life. We wish our elders to live long and grow old, but…I dunno. Citrus salmon baked at a steady heat for a quarter of an hour, I wonder how much of my time I’ve wasted waiting for it to bake to perfection, waiting for something to happen to me. Maybe this is why I nag so much to the point that even I know I’m starting to become such a nuisance to those around me. The pressure to do something worthwhile and not let anything precious go to waste, why must we try so hard all of the time? If I spent all my fifteen minutes lying on the couch while staring at the ceiling, not even thinking about my salmon baking, just simply zoning out until I’m stopped by my timer, am I wasting my time? Whatever I do in those fifteen minutes, I would still end up with flaky citrus salmon, right? Right?
SEUNGKWAN
Boo Seungkwan drags you by your elbow toward the front of the café, dodging patrons sitting on beautiful glossy white barstools with orange wood-stained surfaces and looping around farm product displays.
“There’s nowhere for me to sit.” He hears you complain in his ear. He knows it’s a bit embarrassing for you to be dragged around like a toddler in front of people you don’t know, but he’s on a mission. “I’ll honestly be more comfortable hanging out in the back until my break is over.”
The two of you appear in front of a man sitting alone in the corner of the café who stares through the large windows beside him at nothing in particular. It’s one of the only spots in the café with cushioned seating and low coffee tables positioned with the intent to allow groups of friends to sit and chat together while enjoying the scenery. But it seems as if the man is too occupied with his thoughts to notice incoming groups of customers eyeing his spot. Thick groomed eyebrows that contrast and provide a balance to his softer facial features and with an irresistible boyish charm to him, the man sits with his back against the loveseat to better support the sleeping baby in his arms. Despite his well-kept appearance, small stains on his knit beige tee, dark circles under his eyes, and the fact that his lunch on the table in front of him remains untouched but his coffee gone, is a clear tell that the sleeping child is his daughter.
Leaning towards you, Seungkwan brings a hand to the side of his face to purposely create a wall between the man and him and whispers rather loudly to you, “This is Seungcheol. He’s living in the café.”
“Bro.” The man named Seungcheol looks at his friend with a rather unenthusiastic expression. His voice is raspy as a result of not speaking all day. “You’re making it seem like you’re describing some random weirdo living in your café. And I’m only living in the rooms in the back of the café because the main house is too noisy.” He turns his head toward you as if to defend himself in front of a judge, “I have a house and a well-paying job you know. It’s enough to support two daughters.” His rebuttal is said with an obligatory huff, as if it was part of a spiel he’s said more than a hundred times, yet there is a twinge of sorrow in his tone that is entirely intertwined with his cheekiness. It’s a feeling and a state of being that Seungkwan knows that Seungcheol can never truly escape.
“One of his daughters is a dog,” Seungkwan quickly quips in an attempt to lighten the mood to avoid a sense of awkwardness between the three of you before the two are introduced to each other.
“Still a daughter.” Seungcheol rolls his eyes and nods at the empty space in front of him, jutting his chin slightly upwards in place of his occupied hands. “Sit.”
Seungkwan also nods at you, indicating that it’s fine for you to sit. Dragging you toward a random man and his daughter in the corner of the café has its place in Seungkwan’s grand scheme for you to get rid of his oranges, but he thinks the interaction with Seungcheol could prove worthwhile for all of you — including Seungcheol. So he takes it upon himself to sit next to his older friend, quietly stretching his arms outwards so the father could pass him his sleeping daughter. And if all of the cards are played right, Seungkwan thinks he could be killing two birds with one stone.
Gladly handing his daughter over to his friend, Choi Seungcheol mumbles a quiet note of gratitude before he sits up straight and rolls his shoulder backward to stretch his back. He leans forward in his seat and comfortably rests his elbows on his knees before grabbing the untouched fork next to his salmon salad. Seungkwan watches him dig his metal fork into the roasted salmon and take a hearty bite to enjoy the marinated citrus flavor of the salmon by itself before raking the metal prongs through the meat to shred it to pieces just as Seungkwan’s grandparents had taught Seungcheol to do so before they went on vacation. 
June is when Seungkwan’s friends all arrive at the farm for a summer away from the city; January is when Seungcheol arrived at the farm, two people’s lives packed up in a couple of suitcases and cardboard boxes for time away from the city to heal and escape. The café, originally a guesthouse, returned to serve its original purpose by housing Seungcheol and his daughter for a little over half a year, and Seungkwan knows very well that he doesn’t have the heart to tell his friend that he should’ve moved out months ago. So Seungkwan sits in the once sought-after spot in the café with a sleeping baby in his arms, watching the newly single father scarf down his salad like it’s his last meal. Looking at the infant, her dark-colored eyebrows and the pout that resembles her father’s all too well, stress stores itself in the pit of his stomach, finding company with the sympathetic grief he shared with the heartbroken Seungcheol who once couldn’t so much bring himself to pick up the pen to sign his divorce papers.
Falling in love is easy, but falling out of love and learning how to become whole again is a process that can shatter one’s soul and make one doubt whether or not love in any shape and form is an achievable future feat. For some people, a lifetime is not long enough to contain and overcome love’s defeat. And for those devastated by love, the process of falling in love would never be the same as it once was.
“How long have you had her for?” Seungkwan hears you ask him, your voice clear and without apprehension yet only loud enough for those sitting across from you to hear.
The father hesitates for a second, nodding his head while licking his lips clean of vinaigrette before leaning his fork on the edge of his ceramic plate. He sits up with his arms crossed in front of his chest before dropping his arms and folding his hands in his lap. “That’s weird for me to hear because usually people ask me how old she is, but you seem to measure time differently,” he replies and unfolds his hands yet again, this time stacking one over another neatly on his thighs. “Asking me how long I had her for is what I usually hear when it comes to pets or cars. I also get questions about my age when they see me with her.”
Seungkwan scoffs at his friend’s rather thorough reply to a simple question. “Stop lecturing them. You sound like an English professor.”
“Maybe I was one in another life.” Seungcheol smiles meekly. He separates his hands, clutching them in two fists before letting go as if he is struggling with deciding where he wants to place them. “I just celebrated her first birthday earlier this year. Seungkwan’s grandparents let me mark her height against the wall. Got to prop her up against the wall and everything.”
In the brief moment of awkward newly acquainted silence between the two, Seungkwan’s eyes dart between his two friends, registering in his mind the start of a friendship. He sees your soft smile, lips pulled back to reveal the top row of your teeth. And Seungcheol, although a bit embarrassed to be gushing about his daughter, smiles with his head pointed downwards yet his lips pull back to allow his dimples to finally show after being hidden for so long.
“Oh.” You laugh, clapping your hands together, suddenly remembering a story. “I remember Seungkwan showing me the spot in the hallway. She’s taller than Seungkwan was at this age, right?”
“Literally one of the best moments of my life,” Seungcheol adds without hesitation, slapping both of his palms against his knees to further solidify his statement.
Mouth hanging open, Seungkwan glares at the two, somehow finding himself regretting introducing you to each other. But before he can verbally retaliate, a cream-colored sleeve blocks Seungkwan’s view. Yoon Jeonghan, in his textured button-up shirt, quietly retrieves Seungcheol’s empty cup to place on his small serving cart. And he takes the damp towel hanging from his apron and wipes the empty space on the table in front of you before he slings the towel back on his shoulder after he finishes. The three of you have no choice but to pause your conversation to watch the worker as he slowly turns away again to grab something from the top of his cart, a slice of orange cake nobody ordered, to place it in the empty space that he wiped. Jeonghan doesn’t say anything to the three of you nor does he try to make eye contact, but Seungkwan observes how he places the plate of dessert in front of you as if he is handling something as delicate as his first love.
Shifting his observation focus, Seungkwan sees how you stare at him with a look of bewilderment and something unreadable even as Jeonghan reaches into his apron to protrude a set of utensils for you to use. A chorus of welcomes causes Jeonghan to pause what he is doing, shoot straight up, and join in welcoming the customer. Jeonghan seems to recognize the man who walked in and waves at him, letting him know that he’ll clear a table for him as soon as possible. And he takes the opportunity to set the utensils next to the plate he placed and quickly rolls his cart away, avoiding confrontation.
“Asshole,” Seungcheol mutters while leaning forward to pick up his fork. “He could’ve asked if I wanted a refill. I’m literally one of his closest friends yet he chooses to take my cup away just to spite me.”
Seungkwan looks down at the sleeping baby he is holding to make sure she is still sleeping. When he sees that she’s still asleep, he puts extra caution in covering her ears not because the café is loud, but because her dad has a potty mouth.
“But you know-” Seungcheol attempts to speak while chewing. The action is a little harder than he expected, so he swallows before continuing. “Jeonghan. He’s not the same as he once was. I’m sorry for admitting this, but I know about you only because I found out through Jeonghan back then. And believe me when I say this- Wait, no… actually, Seungkwan can vouch for me. But I was honestly super against what he did. We actually lectured him at that time. But who am I to lecture someone about love? I haven’t even hit my thirties and I’m already divorced.”
He slumps back into his seat, pinching the bridge of his nose. He stays like that for a second before letting go of his nose, and he folds his hands in his lap while staring out the window. His right leg shakes, sending little tremors that vibrate beneath his feet, while his lips purse and shut tightly as if not to let the words on the tip of his tongue come out. Gloom casts over Seungcheol as quickly as mist covers car windows on foggy days. His eyes blink fast.
“It’s hard…isn’t it?” Words come out of Seungkwan’s mouth, but it’s not said to console anybody in particular. He has never experienced loss like you and Seungcheol have. “Finding yourself after love.” It becomes more of a personal question rather than a rhetorical one.
“I feel like I am always on the verge of crumbling inside…” His voice cracks and Seungkwan can feel his heart shatter. “…my entire body is tethered by a thin string of hope I hold onto. Sometimes I cry in the restroom with the fan on so I wouldn’t wake the baby. But looking at the bright side of things is easier said than done.”
Silence fills the space between the three of you, expanding and pushing itself against the invisible bubble that protects your conversation from eavesdroppers. Nobody really knows how to respond to Seungcheol, how they should reply, or if they should console him. Wracking his brain for the correct answer, Seungkwan sits silently while staring between the half-eaten lunch on the table and the man next to him. It seems unbelievable that any form of separation between two people could cause an almost never-ending avalanche of hurt even after the person has healed.
When Seungcheol snaps out of his brief melancholic moment, he feels extremely bashful upon seeing how his friend and new friend look at him with such pity. So he does what every other normal human being does: play it off and play it cool. “You guys honestly don’t have to look at me that way. I’ve accepted the fact that I have to move on. And I’m pretty sure I’m okay now. It’s just scary to take the next step, but-”
“She gave up when it was getting too hard is what Seungcheol was trying to say.” Yes, Seungkwan wants Seungcheol to become better and heal over time, but it angers him so personally that anyone feels forced to hide their pain. Who is healed is healed, but it doesn’t mean that healing has to equate to something painless. “And she took everything she owned except for the child.” Seungkwan finds himself, in the moment, extremely heated so much that he jolts in his seat almost as if he is preparing to launch himself at somebody.
“Because I wanted to look after her. Afterall, I’m the one who wanted her.” Seungcheol glares at his friend while reaching over to take back his stirring child. He clutches her against his chest, his right hand placed over her head as if to shield and protect her from damage. “Leave it to Seungkwan to be mad at things and people you’re not even mad at anymore. But, in all honesty, I think it should be okay to give up when it gets too hard.”
Seungkwan doesn’t catch your conversation with Seungcheol because he finds himself staring at Jeonghan on the other side of the café. He stands at the self-serve bar, refilling glass pitchers and organizing the utensils the customers are supposed to grab themselves. Someone calls for Jeonghan, Morgan probably, and Jeonghan waves him goodbye. A customer comes up to Jeonghan, a nice-looking lady whose skin looks severely sunburned. Standing straighter than usual, he looks around the café before locating whatever it was that she needed him to find. He sends her off with a smile that quickly fades after she leaves his vicinity. The worker continues to survey the rest of the café, probably people watching while he grabs the emptied pitchers in his left hand. His eyes land on Seungkwan’s, and he tilts his head to the right as if to ask Seungkwan “what’s up?” Seungkwan thinks about Seungcheol’s comment about his empty cup and quickly cups his left hand, tilting it toward his mouth. Fully expecting Jeonghan to shake his head no, Jeonghan defies all odds and nods at Seungkwan. Albeit, he does motion to his friend that he has to bring the empty pitchers to the kitchen first.
“I don’t know,” you drag while prodding your cake with your fork, eventually taking a small bite. “I feel like it would be awkward, but I am here to find at least some meaning in my life. I’ll do it if you do it.”
“Yeah, and have Soonyoung and Seokmin use my baby as an entry ticket so they could spend hours at the children’s arcade because they would be getting their money’s worth because the games are technically for kids? Do you honestly think I would let them near her just so I could go hiking with you guys?”
“Yes?” you reply with your mouth full. A smidge of cream decorates the corner of your mouth, which you wipe away with the back of your hand. “I mean we haven’t really talked since we both arrived, but Yunling says she’ll shove him off a cliff or something if anything bad happens. Or at least join us for our morning jogs.”
Seungkwan snorts when the image of Yunling shoving Jeonghan off a hiking trail appears in his mind. He looks at Jeonghan cautiously approaching the three of you again, this time with a glass pitcher and three cups in his hand.
“…that people change over time, and they change even more after they’ve been given time to grow on their own.” Seungcheol looks at his friend who carefully pours water into the glasses and smirks at him. “Preferences change so in the future you might fall in love with what you gave up in the past. Isn’t that right, Jeonghan?”
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SEVEN. SUZETTE SAUCE
When I talk to my mom, sometimes she would bring up stories about my childhood that even I don’t remember, stories I can’t fathom I once did. It would seem as if she were describing somebody completely different from me, like a different person. Time moves linearly as do our lives, but it’s nice to know that there are others out there who stop to remember who we once were even when we can’t. So what I’m saying is that there are more people who care about you than you think. Even when you’re gone, even when you’ve lost yourself, to many of us, you would never be gone…Speaking of gone. This sauce, add some to your crepes before the others come use it all. I’m too lazy to make another batch.
YN
“So you’re giving me your number so I can text you whenever I have the urge to launch myself at someone? What if I get my phone confiscated? What if I text you and then get the urge again and then end up launching myself at somebody just because you didn’t reply to my text in time? Even I don’t think that’s a very good plan, but I’ll exchange phone numbers with you.” The boy pursed his lips and uncrossed his legs, defeated by his assigned peer leader. It wasn’t like he wanted to be in a “safe” room set aside by the guidance counselors where students could talk through whatever it was that they were going through with their peer leaders. Yet here Boo Seungkwan was, sinking deeper into the giant bean bag seat that he hoped would swallow him whole before his parents found out how he “threatened” to lunge at a kid in another class.
Sighing, you shut your spiral notebook and tucked your pen in between the metal spirals. Seungkwan was right, offering him your phone number as a form of life alert wasn’t the best plan of action. But it wasn’t like you had a lot of practical peer leader practice, to begin with. With no peer leaders available to help another student, the guidance counselors could only turn to you as their last resort — the last pick of the bunch.
“Complicated” was what you would use to describe the student in front of you. You’ve seen him in passing and at the schoolwide activities where he would lead the student body in several activities like it was his calling. He was popular and well-liked, to say the least, always kind yet with a temper unmatched like no other. Perhaps it was Seungkwan’s humor or exaggerated movements which sometimes landed him in trouble. Honestly, he never meant any harm. So maybe this was why the guidance counselors thought you were the perfect peer leader for Seungkwan: because he was complicated but not too much to become a complication.
“Well, enough about me.” Seungkwan struggled to adjust his bean bag between words so he could adjust himself in a way that would allow him to sit up straight. “What about you? I’ve seen you around but I didn’t know you were a peer leader. How much experience do you have?”
“Not a lot,” you found yourself admitting. Whether it be Seungkwan’s friendliness or the “nothing goes outside of this room” rule set by the Peer Leaders Program, you decided that you had nothing to lose in confessing to your lack of experience. “My grade keeps fluctuating in my literature class and I’m pretty sure my literature teacher things I’m a pathological liar so I’m always on the verge of getting kicked out of this program…hence, my not being able to take anybody under my wing until you.” 
“So I’m basically your saving grace.” He nodded while smoothing out his navy khaki pants.
“I guess,” you grumbled. It wasn’t like you were failing tests and lying to your teacher on purpose. And it wasn’t like your truth would ever be accepted as truth. Because to the adults in the high school, you were as truthful as the boy who cried wolf.
“Well.” He shot up from his bean bag and walked over to the wooden square table to sit with you. Crossing his arms on the table he continued, “I think it’s dumb that your grades play a huge factor in determining whether or not you can be a peer leader. There has to be more to it than grades. What about you? Aren’t you in the class above mine? Why is it that your grades determine your worth in this program?”
Only having had your first proper conversation with him today, you felt a twinge of surprise that someone as social and hot-headed as Boo Seungkwan would be mad at you. Like the Vertigo effect was used in films, you felt trapped under the fiery stare of Boo Seungkwan while everything else in the room grew in size. From bean bag to wooden table, Seungkwan turned the tables on you. He may not have been a peer leader, but you felt as if he was mad for you, as if Boo Seungkwan was someone you could confide in without being judged. As paradoxical as it seemed, being trapped under Seungkwan’s gaze felt like a freeing opportunity for you to take.
Moments like these, as you understood for people like you, came once in a lifetime. Still, hesitation made your voice quiver, “Promise me you won’t think I’m lying.”
You watched him sit up straighter than before. He shook his head and crossed his fingers in the air. “I promise.”
Throughout the school, the school bell rang to signal the end of class and the start of lunch. You let your eyes wander a bit before they eventually landed back on Seungkwan, who looked more than eager to listen to your story than to pack up his things and rush to lunch. Scratching the corner of your mouth, you began before your heart could find itself stuck inside of your throat, “Whenever I love something, that thing disappears. In literature class, we were reading a book, but I think I accidentally fell in love with the plot and ended up having its existence erased from my memory. So when we were taking the exam, I bombed it because I couldn’t recall ever reading the book and it disappeared from my possession.” You found yourself getting agitated while recalling your most recent incident, “And the thing is, how do I know if I’ve forgotten something if I don’t know what it is that I forgot? So when my teacher met with me, he thought I was purposely being a smartass for trying to tell him that I’ve never heard of the book before even when we’ve clearly spent like two weeks on it.”
Feeling even more frustrated than before, you wanted to be anywhere but near Seungkwan because a large part of you felt as if he was going to start laughing. It wasn’t like you knew how this curse started. And it wasn’t like you could go see a doctor regarding your condition. Everything felt…frustrating.
“So,” he began warily as if he was struggling to find the correct words to say, “does this mean you can forget simple things and also people?”
It was as if you were blasted by a theatrical breeze from a home fragrance commercial. You could see Boo Seungkwan looking at you earnestly, a gaze you weren’t sure you’d ever seen before.
“I guess. But…I don’t know.” It came out more like a sigh.
“Yn, is there someone around you who will remind you of these things?” Seungkwan asked you. “Because it seems like some of these things could be gone for you, but they wouldn’t really be gone.”
You blinked. Once. Twice. Sure, those you loved disappeared, but it wasn’t like you didn’t have any friends. You had a regular social life in high school, with friends in every class and friends to have lunch with or hang out with during the weekends. But there was always a particular friend that people would ask you about, the one you could only assume you truly loved. “I had a friend toward the beginning of high school, but I think she moved away? I can’t really remember her at all. But I would like to think that she was there to teach and remind me about those things.” You shrugged. You had no choice but to act nonchalantly towards someone you didn't remember at all.
“Then can I be that friend?” Seungkwan’s eyes looked hopeful. “For you, I mean. I want to be your friend.”
“Aren’t you scared of the fact that I could possibly fall in love with you romantically or as a friend and you would disappear? Do you really not think I’m joking?”
“Not really.” He cocked his head toward the ceiling and tapped his finger on his chin. “If anything, you can fall in love with my family farm so I’m not forced to take over it after I graduate from college.” He tried to joke. You weren’t sure if he was serious or not. Yet he smiled brightly at you and stretched his hand toward you. “Let’s be friends Yn. As long as you stay with me and I stay with you, we’re bound to not get kicked out of school.”
You shook his hand. “Okay. Yeah. Thank you for wanting to be my friend.”
“And thank you for agreeing.” He got up from his seat and pointed at the jar of sweets on the shelf by the door. “Can I take a piece of candy? I can’t believe they’re making us miss lunch for this.”
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EIGHT. CRANBERRY ORANGE SCONES
Can you help me pick up a box of the cranberry orange ones? Do you remember if it is “scOWNs” or “scAWNs”? No, I’m not going to make them myself. Have you ever tasted a bad store-bought scone? Me neither.
SEUNGKWAN
Morgan meticulously applies globs of light brown hair dye onto Seungkwan’s hair by covering his roots and then moving on to the rest. Blissful as he can be, Seungkwan tries to take advantage of this brief moment of pure relaxation, even if it means sitting on the same kitchen barstool for a few hours while the rest of his friends are having a pool day. He reaches under his plastic cape to grab the TV remote on the island countertop to turn on the subtitles because it feels wrong to not have them on. It’s a recent spy movie, but he can’t remember if it came out one or two summers ago.
Tonight, the inside of the house is so quiet that Seungkwan can hear everything in his vicinity: the sound of the dye brush scratching against his hair, someone turning off the faucet in the upstairs shower, someone closing a door, muffled shouting from the outdoor pool. The farm and café are now closed to the public, and all of Seungkwan's friends have dispersed for the time being. With some people in the pool and some in the city, Seungkwan thinks it is rather nice that Morgan would rather spend time dying his hair than be in the pool with her boyfriend.
“Don’t be afraid to tell me if your scalp burns or hurts,” Morgan hums while maneuvering pieces of his hair with her gloved fingers, looking for dry patches she missed.
Seungkwan likes Morgan. She’s meticulous in her actions, and her natural flair of confidence allows her to stand out from the crowd. So he was just as shocked as the rest of his friends when Alex showed them her dating profile, saying that she was the one who matched with him and proceeded to schedule a date with him in the span of a few exchanged messages.
Pulling off the plastic gloves from her sweaty hands, Morgan crumples them in her palms before tossing them into the trashcan. From her apron, she produces a shower cap and places it over Seungkwan’s hair, making sure to carefully tuck the plastic against his skin so that it doesn’t cover his ears. She bends over to further inspect Seungkwan’s hairline and wipes off stray streaks of dye before they can tint his skin a different color.
The sliding door to the sunroom opens, and Minghao steps into the living room with the novel he is currently reading tucked under his arm. He takes a seat across from Seungkwan, and looks at the shower cap’s design and squints through his circular-rimmed glasses, “Duckies.” He admires the childish print for a bit before turning to Morgan, “Alex texted me to say that your phone is still by the pool. He’s worried that it would overheat in the sun so he moved it to the tables for you.”
“Go take a break.” Seungkwan turns around to nudge her arm. “You’ve been standing for an hour. I’ll watch the clock for you.”
“Thirty minutes and then you go wash your hair.” Morgan shrugs off her apron and folds it before placing it on the island next to the other hair-dying products. “I’ll style it after you’re done washing it, but make sure you scrub your scalp thoroughly so that the dye doesn’t stain your skin.”
She exits through the back door, and the movie breaks into commercial. It’s an ad for a topical cream, and short clips of people smiling while doing everyday activities play while the narrator lists all of the possible side effects.
“Did you happen to see where Jihoon is?” Minghao asks Seungkwan. “Seungcheol said that he wanted to gym with him today, but he can’t reach him.”
Just then, the front door cracks open with a swing, and the entry alert chime rings to let those in the house know that someone has just entered. Seungkwan couldn’t see who it was, but he could hear sneakers getting kicked off and the familiar sound of a duffle bag’s plastic strap buckles clacking against metal zippers to know who it was. Seungkwan looks at Minghao and cocks his head toward the entrance, and Minghao lazily waves a hand in response as if he’s saying it’s not his problem anymore.
“I think someone’s in the downstairs bathroom. You can shower first.” Seungkwan hears you say, but he can’t catch what Jihoon replies. He assumes that he agrees because he sees his figure quickly pass the living room to make its way upstairs.
Seungkwan listens to your footsteps while you make your way down the hall to the office. Instead of entering the office, he watches you walk toward the kitchen where you approach him and look at the mess on the island and the duckies on his shower cap.
“Oh, you dyed your hair,” you observe.
If Seungkwan didn’t feel hot while Morgan was dying his hair, the warmth that courses from his head to his stomach makes him feel like he’s sitting in a sauna. He knows that he shouldn’t be embarrassed to be sitting in the kitchen looking like a plastic cone, but that’s unfortunately what he feels he looks like. Fortunately enough, it doesn’t seem like you needed an answer as you turn around to go to the fridge where you fill up your water bottle before waving goodbye so you can go to your room. Seungkwan sighs and sulks in his seat, his black plastic cape crinkling in response.
“How many minutes has it been?” he asks Minghao who currently messages someone on his phone.
“Hmm, like five? Six minutes?” He replies without looking up.
God, Seungkwan thinks. Five minutes felt like forever.
A door closes at the end of the hallway, and Seungkwan can hear the sound of someone’s plastic slippers slapping the ground as they walk toward the living room of the house. He sees Jeonghan holding the bathroom laundry basket in his arms as he lightens his footsteps when he walks towards the office. He continues to observe his friend who seems hesitant to approach the door of the office, as if knocking would cause him to burn in hell. Jeonghan sucks in his breath, maneuvers the weight of the laundry basket into his left arm, and pops up his knee to support the weight as he slowly brings up his right arm to knock on your door. But he hesitates before his fist can make contact so he drops his arm and turns around only to meet Seungkwan’s eyes.
Seungkwan cocks an eyebrow. Jeonghan shrugs. Seungkwan cocks his eyebrow again. Jeonghan’s eyes widen and eyebrows scrunch towards the middle as he throws up his hand to let it fall to his side.
“Just knock,” Seungkwan urges him, although with a tone of annoyance. But it is enough to get Jeonghan to knock on your door. Twice. Seungkwan hears you tell the person outside your door to come in, and when he sees Jeonghan finally close the door behind him, he feels as if he has just finished a triathlon.
“Why are you guys looking at their door?”
Seungkwan turns around to stare at Soonyoung, who stands at the far end of the kitchen island, drenched from head to toe. Chlorine water droplets rain down the kitchen floor, creating a mini pool around Soonyoung’s feet. Red goggle indents line the perimeter of Soonyoung’s eyes, evident that he had been swimming for a while. However, his goggles are nowhere in sight.
“Where’s your towel?” Seungkwan asks his friend, his judgmental eyes trailing the one drop of water that rolls from Soonyoung’s chin and onto the previously dry floor.
Soonyoung only shrugs and runs his fingers through his hair, causing more water to fling onto the floor. “I’m on mopping duty so I thought I would rush to shower and then mop afterwards. But why were you guys staring at Yn’s door? What happened?”
“Jeonghan’s inside,” Minghao explains.
For some reason, Soonyoung takes that information as an invitation to sit on the last open island barstool. He puts his elbows on the counter and leans in, “They were exes, right?”
“You’re dripping,” Seungkwan comments with judgement in his voice. “But, yeah. How did you find out?”
“I’m mopping,” Soonyoung retaliates but leans in closer. His eyes squint as he looks at the office door and back at his two friends. He whispers loudly, “Word travels fast. But I heard it’s because Jeonghan got scared or something and dumped Yn when he found out that everything Yn loves disappears.”
Of course, Seungkwan was never going to confirm or deny Soonyoung’s gossip even though it is technically true. Given Seungkwan and Soonyoung’s friendship, Seungkwan would never want to grant Soonyoung the satisfaction of knowing that whatever comes out of his mouth could possibly be true. He also doesn’t think it’s his place to tell anybody that Jeonghan’s been trying to find a way to apologize to Yn for what he did in the past. So he stays quiet, pretending to ignore Soonyoung by looking over his shoulder to get a better look at the television.
Soonyoung opens his mouth again because he is unable to read the room, causing Seungkwan’s bottom lip to twitch. “Hey, do you think Jeonghan wants to get back together with Yn?” Once again, he speaks his stream of consciousness without regard to how bad it is in the open. “Because if not, I might make a move.”
The statement is enough to make Minghao look up from his novel, only to give the man sitting next to him the coldest side eye Seungkwan had ever seen. Seungkwan can only sit in his seat, utterly shocked that such an idea would ever form in Soonyoung’s mind. It’s only been a week since the two met, and Seungkwan was sure that they weren’t that close with each other. So “Go shower” is all Seungkwan can say to his friend. He makes sure to point at the several pools of water Soonyoung has created since he came into the house a few minutes ago.
But before Soonyoung leaves for the bathroom, he points at the television in the background, “Oh, that’s the movie where the agents thought the crystals were bombs but the bombs were supposed to be books right? The one where the main character’s dad was some famous dude who owed a bunch of money to bad guys so the bad guys intercepted the dad’s chandelier delivery because they wanted to plant a bomb in it to frame the dad.”
Minghao nods, clearly not paying to whatever Soonyoung is saying.
“Or was it the second one with the backstory with the good agents having to mess up their mission because they found out that their agency only wanted surveillance on the dad but didn’t want them to stop the bad guys from planting the bomb because they wanted to stay in their own lane or something? So two of them went MIA to fix the situation while the tall one volunteered to stay back and act like the mission went wrong. Oh, remember how the main character found out about the spy she was dating, so she broke up with him and her best friend spent the entire time trying to make his move?”
“Dude.” Seungkwan can feel heat gathering and bunching at the top of his head, and it’s not from the dye’s chemical reaction. “Go shower.”
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“I swear Soonyoung is like a psychic or something,” you hum while bringing the rim of the brown glass bottle to your lips. “He did come to apologize and ask if I had any clothes I also needed to wash. A little awkward though.”
Seungkwan watches you tilt the bottle towards the night sky, watches the beer flow into your open mouth, and watches how your throat bobs as the liquid makes its way into your system. Jacuzzi jets blast toward the center, creating several bubbles that pop against your legs, exploding on contact and drenching the underside of the fabric of your knee shorts. You don’t seem to mind though, Seungkwan thinks having to talk to an ex is probably more uncomfortable than getting your shorts wet while you dip your feet in the hot jacuzzi.
“Tell me about your day though.” You reach over to hold a strand of his hair between your fingers. “I can’t believe Morgan was able to do this,” you murmur.
The simple admiration of his hair makes him feel like the world’s most special boy. In his spot on the jacuzzi next to you, underneath the scintillant country sky where the crickets chirp loudly, simply, and carefreely, his happiness comes alive to dance and sing with all of the other nocturnal creatures. He glows as brightly as the moon as he tells you about his day, his hair, and the little things that nobody would care about. A little drunk, you still manage to listen and stop to remind him about how much you love his hair. How pretty it is. How much you appreciate him for looking out for you for so long.
He forgets that he has his own drink in his hand, an aluminum can whose contents are probably more flat than they are carbonated. Suddenly he is a boy again in that same room where he first met you. The feeling is inexplicable, but the feeling is there. The past courses through his present, and his constant sits beside him, thanking him out of nowhere for staying by their side.
He wants to say it was a promise that he made, or that it wasn’t even because of the promise. He looked out for them because that’s what friends do. But Boo Seungkwan is in a place where he is starting to realize that he is stuck in a place between two extremes: friendship and romance. And in this math equation, there is the added Z-axis. Jeonghan. So he scoffs and decides to make a joke out of his internal dilemma, “Me being here this whole time literally means you never really loved me. Even as a friend.”
“What do you mee-an,” you wail. “I do love you. And appreciate you. And love you Kwan.”
He waves his free hand in front of your face. “My hand is clearly here. Why am I not gone?”
You take a sip of your beer while squinting at his hand. “I can’t see your hand because you’re waving it too fast.” You laugh while putting your bottle beside you. “That means it disappeared because I do love you.”
Seungkwan rolls his eyes and brings his drink up to his lips. He feels your hands run through his hair, circular soothing motions, and then all at once, purposely ruffling and messing it up. But he lets you. He sees your dopey smile as you continue to play with his colored hair while you remind him, yet again, how much you like it. So he sits and drinks his flat seltzer while his legs prune in the hot tub. And he wonders what it would be like to love you as someone who wants to be more than just friends.
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NINE. ORANGE CHICKEN
I had a friend who would eat this every single day in college because it was cheap and because it came with a fortune cookie. Two, if you were lucky. I don’t even know how he was able to eat this every single time we went to the food court. But I remember very clearly how he would hold the fortune cookie in one hand and squeeze until the plastic bag obnoxiously popped. He never cared about how the popping noise would scare the other students in his proximity because all he really cared about was how he could hold both ends of the cookie between his two thumbs and index fingers and break it in half with a clean snap. And he would separate the two ends just enough so that he could read the fortune. He didn’t even eat the cookie. He just wanted to keep the fortune in the back of his phone case. Didn’t care if there were doubles. I remember asking him if it meant anything to him. He said he wouldn’t know until it happens. His bike got stolen on campus, and he ended up throwing away his fortunes.
SEUNGKWAN
Today is quite possibly the second worst day of Seungkwan’s life, the first being the day his parents told him that he was going to inherit the family farm. About fifteen minutes after the clock struck eight at night, Seungkwan's group of friends huddle around the kitchen island. Each person grips a red plastic cup in their hands. Alcohol is the drink of choice tonight, rounds of quick shots before someone is smart enough to phone the cab to come pick them up to take them into the city for a night out. And Seungkwan sits in the middle of the living room couch with his arms crossed over his chest. His navy blue cap hides the top of his head. Tonight, he has no indication of going out. Not when his head is bald.
Shame is what Seungkwan feels. He feels ashamed that his hair disappeared without reaching even two full days since Morgan spent forever dying and styling it. He feels shame because a small part of him is mad at you, but he knows he could never be mad at you because it is not entirely your fault that his hair disappeared. He feels ashamed of himself for allowing himself to feel as if he has been stripped bare and left vulnerable when it is only hair on the top of his hair that he is missing. The only difference between him and you is that you don’t seem to care that your hair has also magically disappeared.
You are sorry. Haircuts, dyes, trends, hair loss, roots, split ends…they all took time to teach you everything there is to know about hair. You have apologized to Seungkwan multiple times since relearning the concept of hair. Although Seungkwan can see you standing with the rest of the group, laughing and pre-gaming for the night out, he sees you make eye contact with him from time to time as if to check up on him. To say you’re sorry. You didn’t mean for it to happen.
What sucks even more, to Seungkwan, is that you’re blessed with a certain kind of confidence that allows you to not care about something as banal as losing your hair. But Seungkwan is the type of person who cares a lot about what other people think of him, and how other people perceive his outward and inward appearance. A soft heart is what he has, one that allows him to feel for others, but also one that can shatter easily. Not having hair feels like a blow to his gut. His ears tinged bright red even in the dimly lit living room, he still doesn’t have the confidence to go out for a night out in town to club with his best friends no matter how much he wanted to do so.
Even Seungcheol is here. Even the man who couldn’t leave the farm for god knows how long is finally willing to go clubbing out of all things. Seungcheol stands near the sink with a giant handle of tequila in his hands, holding it up while a thin silver chain swings from his neck. His daughter is upstairs with Terry, who can’t come out tonight because of cramps. Terry has gotten into trivia lately, so the baby might end up gaining a few more brain cells while the rest of the group loses who knows how much by the end of the night.
Soonyoung stumbles to the couch and crashes into the open space left of Seungkwan. His body hits the cushions with a hard thud, and he lays there for a second before he realizes that his red face is uncomfortably wedged in the crack between the back cushion and the armrest. Seungkwan reluctantly helps him sit upright and offers a shoulder for him to lean on. It looks like there’s another person on the couch who can’t join the rest of the group tonight.
While Soonyoung mumbles incoherencies about getting lit while lying on Seungkwan’s neck, Seungkwan can only look at his lap while wishing he were more like you. And he would be lying if the thought of him also being cursed to forget the things he loved so his baldness wouldn’t affect him as much had also crossed his mind, so he mentally scolds himself for even coming up with that thought. It’s a fucked up thing to cross his mind, and all Seungkwan really needs is someone to validate his emotions and feelings.  
“Seungkwan.” You disrupt him from his thoughts and squat in front of him while another person sits on his other side, Yunling. You look up at him with your round eyes and pout, “Are you really not coming out with us tonight?”
Seungkwan finds it hard to reply. He wants to go. He really wants to. But his sudden lack of confidence since he woke up and discovered that he didn’t have any hair made him want to curl up into a ball and hide in this house until all of his hair grew back. And it sucked seeing all of his friends prepare to go out and have fun while he rots away in his thoughts. “I don’t know” is what he sadly replies.
“Look,” Yunling begins, “None of us made fun of you when we saw you panic when you didn’t have hair, right? We don’t care. Hair grows back. And you look amazing with hair and without hair. Right, Soonyoung?”
“Yeah.” Soonyoung raises his left arm before letting it drop against the armrest. “A baddie and a baldie.”
“So you’re going to come with us to the club. You’re going to flash your ID at the bouncer. And you’re going to walk into the club and have a great time,” Yunling lists while patting the top of Seungkwan’s head.
“If you want, we can all stop by and buy colorful wigs before hitting the club together. I know that some of them did their hair, but I doubt they’ll mind putting a wig over it. Confidence doesn’t come back that easily, but at least we can start by being a little silly.” You tap his knees
before pushing yourself up. “If it’s not club appropriate, then we’ll go bar hopping.”
He tries to look up at you though his baseball cap’s visor blocks the upper half of his vision. Palms up, your outstretched hands wait for him to accept their invitation. Truly feeling the presence of his loved ones around him, Seungkwan accepts that he is one of the luckiest people in the world. You might not be the type of person who verbally tells him how much you love him, but he likes to believe that there’s a loophole in your curse, one that allows him to exist even when you love him platonically. So he allows you to heave him upwards from his place on the couch, wondering if you know that he has fallen for you.
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TEN. SHAVED ICE
Discomforting sting on the tips of your fingers, you grate the frozen orange against the zester, letting the miniscule pieces of ice fall into the bowl below like snow. It burns and you ask yourself why you wanted to do this again, why this was the treat you wanted to eat on a hot day. Halfway through shaving the frozen fruit, the surfaces hugged by the pads of your fingers slowly melt and turn into mush. Juicy and mushy and orange and leaking, snow continues to fall into a pile until the sting becomes unbearable. The reward isn’t so much of a reward, but a reminder of you impatiently waiting as you watched them do the same thing every time the house was too hot and the fans weren’t enough, grating and zesting frozen fruit. Were there tears in their eyes? Did they run their frozen fingers under the tap? Refreshing treat in your mouth, you wouldn’t know. The ice is melting in your bowl. You still don’t know.
YN
“Hey.”
The masculine voice dragged you out of the conversation with your friends regarding your plans for the weekend. It caused you to turn your head to the left, only to see a familiar-looking student your age who sported a large wrinkled tee and a prominent mole on his cheek. Choppy and short black hair and those prominent eye bags that matched your own, the student looked too handsome to be the kind to approach you. 
“You’re in my history class with Dr. Edelman, right? 7:45 a.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays? I’m Jeonghan,” he introduced himself.
It was about halfway through the semester, and you knew you were always barely awake in the class to even notice the other students in the class. It wasn’t a very large class — the only people who were willing to sign up for a 7:45 a.m. class were the people who needed the class to graduate or people who couldn’t sign up for the same class at a different time. You were the latter. To be honest, you didn’t even bother to get to know anybody during the class, nevertheless hung out with them after class, so you didn’t know why Jeonghan would make the effort to introduce himself to you while you were having dinner with friends at a small restaurant in another city.
“What’s your name?” He pushed. Did he push? You didn’t know. This was the first time somebody approached you outside of class like he did. The situation was awkward yet a little bit exciting. You were only nineteen and waiting for the day somebody approached you the same way Jeonghan just did.  
Yunling, whose elbow was sharp as the edge of a table, elbowed you on the side of your ribs. Digging her elbow into your side, she urged you to reply to the guy who approached you.
“Ow- Oh. Hi, I’m Yn,” you replied while you shoved your friend away from your side.
There was an amused smile on his face in reaction to Yunling and you, the kind where his lips were stretched wide into a smile, and his mouth hung open just a little so that his teeth didn't touch. 
A soft chuckle emitted from that awkward smile, but you thought he didn’t necessarily find it awkward or off-putting. It was the kind of reaction that you would give to a stranger or an acquaintance — truly interested and amused but not close enough to emit a real reaction.
Knowing very well that all of your friends had their attention turned to your conversation with Jeonghan, you felt the littlest bit of embarrassment to be in the spotlight. However, this moment is what you wanted for the longest time. To have a stranger approach you in the middle of a conversation, not even a meet-cute, but to be seen by others after being unseen for nineteen years is all that you wanted. So, with the pride that swelled in your chest, you decided to make small talk with the guy standing at the end of your booth in the middle of the restaurant.
“Did you come with anybody?” you asked while holding eye contact with him.
“Yeah.” His response was smooth. He turned his body and quickly pointed at his group of friends crowded around the several menus on their table. “I think I should go back before they order something for me that I don’t want. But it was nice talking to you.” He shoved his thumbs into his jeans pockets and flashed another smile.
“It was nice talking to you too.” You glowed. You felt like you were glowing as bright as a glowstick in a dark room. Was it possible for a person like you to glow? Were you feeling what people were talking about when they looked at another person after a good experience and described it as a glow?
“I have to go. But I’ll save a seat for you. One of the guys at my table is also in my class. He won’t bite. I also won’t…” You noticed that the tips of his ears began to pink in color when he noticed that he was trailing in his speech as if he noticed that he was rambling. “Okay. Bye,” he basically fired out of his mouth before he rushed back to his table.
It was quiet between the four of you, all of you trying to process what just happened. Still, you couldn’t help but squeal with your friends, giggling while your friends dramatically reenacted what happened and then shushing them when it got too loud. You felt like you were on cloud nine. You didn’t know where the expression came from, so you felt as if you passed cloud nine and were simply floating higher and higher. Each time you snuck a glance at him over your friend’s shoulder, you found him looking back at you with a polite smile on his face.
Did he purposely sit in a seat facing you so he could also sneak glances at you? What were his intentions? Was he just being nice? You didn’t know. All you knew was that he waved you goodbye when you left with your friends, and it made you trip on your way out.
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ELEVEN. ORANGE CREAMSICLE
Huh? No. I’m not judging you for eating the shell before eating the ice cream part…No, I’m not being sarcastic right now. But aren’t you scared that by the time you’re done with the shell, the inner ice cream portion would start to melt? It just feels like once you deconstructed it by eating it in layers you’re basically eating an orange popsicle and vanilla ice cream instead of eating a creamsicle. Or maybe I’m too traditional of a person that I find myself judging a person for doing something as banal as eating a creamsicle like that. Been taught that rules were always created for a reason. Huh? Okay you got me. Of course I’m judging you. Who eats a creamsicle like that? I don’t care about your teeth. Eat it together. Please, I’m begging you. Or at least turn away so I don’t have to see that atrocity.
SEUNGKWAN
Sunless is the sky today. Hot and stuffy air and the rising humidity make the fabric of a tee stick to sweaty backs. When it’s been unbearably hot these past few days, it’s hard to imagine that there is no sun in the sky today despite the blistering heat. Pedestal clouds in the sky hang so low that they almost hug the farmland underneath them. The blue underneath the clouds cast the sunroom in a hazy cobalt filter. Indoor lights have been switched on since eleven in the morning. It seldom rains in early June. Today is an exception.
The familiar loud ping of Terry’s cell phone trivia game rings for a second before it is shrouded by the rolling thunder. After days of hearing pings and buzzes, the rest of the summer group couldn’t help but find themselves drifting toward Terry whenever they started playing a new round. Cash was at stake, but there were thousands of people to beat.
Like a new divorcee in divorce fiction, Seungkwan stands on his front porch with a warm cup of citron tea in his hands while his robe stays securely wrapped around his frame. Mist from the pouring rain hits his skin and makes him feel even more sticky than usual, but he’s too worried about those who haven’t made it home to worry about himself. 
Chewing through the hard yuja rinds that made it into his mouth after he sipped tea, he watches the collected water on the roof pour down on the gravel below like a constant waterfall. The rate at which the rain pours down in the distance makes each individual droplet invisible to the human eye. The falling rain looks like the grain on old television screens so much that the thundering sky feels more alive than the rain it accompanies. The rind is hard to swallow.
Two muddled blobs in the distance close in on the house and become even more clear to Seungkwan with each passing second. To Seungkwan, there is something very interesting to him about how people tend to cover themselves with anything they have when they’re in the rain even if they’re soaked. Finally, back from your daily run, Yunling and you run with your hands covering your faces despite the two of you fully drenched. And Seungkwan is ready to call the two of you inside the house when he sees the two of you pause in front of the porch. Walking toward the two of you to get a better understanding as to why the two of you suddenly stopped, he feels a sense of relief when he sees the scene in front of him.
Like two characters in a brief montage in a movie, Seungkwan’s two friends laugh as they let their arms fall to their sides as if giving up in their fight against the rain. Instead, they allow the water to fall onto their skin without worry as they live life in slow motion. What a wonder it is to be able to let go without worry. And what a treat it is to be able to play outdoors to appease and amuse the child in us. Seungkwan feels a twinge of jealousy, jealous that he could never allow himself to let go like the two of you, jealous that he’s the one standing in the comfort of the shade.
Yunling is the first to notice him standing on the porch, and she stops to wave at him, beckoning him to join. “Come in the rain,” she yells over the pouring rain. “It feels nice.”
Seungkwan walks over to the porch fence and places his mug on the flat railing, careful not to touch the chipped railing because of its bothersome texture. He’s trying not to mind it so much, but the wet and sticky mist created from the rain splashing against the ground clings onto his skin uncomfortably like a second skin.
“Seungkwan, have you ever played in the rain before?” Yunling yells at him, her hands cupped around her mouth to create a megaphone shape. The rain slicks her long hair so much that it makes her ponytail look flat. Even her sport-wick running top looks glossy when saturated by water. Still, she lets the rain pellet and massage her skin.
He has to think about the answer to her simple question. Yet the circumstances turn it into a rather complex question. When was the last time he played in the rain? Has he ever played in the rain before? The thing is, Seungkwan can’t come up with a solid answer because he can’t find it. “Childhood maybe” is his reply.
“Well, nobody is stopping you now except for yourself” is her reply.
Nobody is stopping him except himself. This is something that he knows in the back of his mind. They say we are our worst enemies, and Seungkwan constantly finds himself in situations in which he is his worst enemy. Today, his enemy tells him that it’s better to stay dry because he doesn’t want to risk catching a cold after being soaked by the rain even if it’s only for a couple of minutes. It’s what he’s always been taught: getting wet by rain means the risk of catching a cold and that catching a cold is bad. Plus, he absolutely despises the feeling of wet clothes stuck against his skin so much that even imagining the struggle of trying to peel off his wet jeans makes him shudder. So he waves his hands and denies Yunling’s open invitation despite wanting so badly to join the two of you in the rain, splashing in small puddles, and big puddles; and laughing while chasing each other. How amazing it would be, even for a minute, to simply let go without any worry.
Too bad he is his own enemy.
“Oh fuck!” You stop in the middle of a puddle, causing Seungkwan to suddenly become very alert. “Our phones,” you wail into the open.
The man who is quite possibly in love with one of his best friends watches you from the porch, how only when you’re running from the rain do your hands magically float upwards to create a sort of shade in front of your face despite you playing in the rain without any care in the world a few minutes ago. He can hear it, running shoes crunching against wet gravel, the wet squishing noise created by the amount of water in your shoes, and your panting as you stand in front of him.
Eyes wide and eyes blinking hard as if to squeeze and wring away the drops of water on your eyelids, you greet the owner of the house. And the owner of the house looks at you from his place on the porch, how he can see drops of water drip from your clothes and create a pool at your feet, how he can still see tiny droplets on your lashes. You’re standing so close to him that he feels like he has to hold his breath as a form of defense.
“Gosh,” you mutter while looking down to inspect your clothes. “My shoes are going to take forever to dry.”
The front door opens with a swing, and the familiar entry alert chime’s ring barely makes its way through the pouring rain. Yoon Jeonghan walks out of the door and onto the porch while wearing his house slippers. In his hand are two large towels, immediately attracting the two drenched runners towards it like moths with an open flame. Only this time, it’s not the moths that are getting hurt, it’s the bystander.
Seungkwan watches you run over to your ex, thanking him as you take the dry towel from him before making your way indoors. Yunling follows in your footsteps shortly after, thanking Jeonghan for the towel before turning to Seungkwan. “Come inside before you catch a cold.” She smirks at him before she steps indoors. Seungkwan finds himself scoffing in response.  
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TWELVE. MIMOSAS
I remember when my friend told us to meet at this brunch place she really liked because the mimosas were good the last time she went. But we ended up having a sober brunch because we forgot that we had somebody’s birthday party to attend the night before. The food was good and the vibes were good, but we were all hungover. Sober brunch sounds wrong, but it’s not bad at all. Really. It’s not bad. But we should go sometime. I heard the Mimosas are good.
YN
He dug the eraser into the flimsy page of his notebook and erased the same mistake over and over until his hands crinkled the page and the friction of the eraser against the paper left a noticeable tear in the page. You watched his frustration continue to unfold as he haphazardly swiped the eraser crumbs off his notebook, flinging them to the middle of the circular table where you were sitting.
The third person at the table flicked the singular eraser shaving that landed on his pencil case back at its owner before shoving the plastic mesh pouch into his backpack along with his study notes without a folder. Vernon, with his poorly dyed auburn hair that curled and covered his eyes, took out his metal water bottle from his backpack to make room for his textbooks. He quickly zipped his backpack and flung it over his shoulder before grabbing his water bottle. The water bottle's ice cubes clanged loudly against its interior and caused multiple students in the library to look in his direction. He looked at you before looking at Jeonghan, who looked stressed enough to rip his eraser in half and looked back at you with an apologetic look on his face.
“You want my fortune cookie fortune from today? It has special numbers,” Vernon suggested as he stood up and pushed in his hair.
“No,” Jeonghan mumbled in response.
“Well I wasn’t going to give it to you anyway,” Vernon taunted in return. He looked at the wall clock in the corner of the library and clicked his tongue before waving goodbye to you.
You watched the younger student as he walked over to the elevators and rapidly pushed the elevator button to hitch a ride to the first floor before giving up and choosing to take the stairs. The elevator dinged and made itself known to the entire floor the minute the fire escape door closed behind Vernon. To your left, Jeonghan, whom you found to be good company over the last month, stared at his history notes like he was trying to decipher the writing on an ancient clay tablet.
“I don’t get it,” he whined while he reached for your notes to compare with his.
You scooted your chair closer to him to get a better look at the two spiral notebooks on the table. Handwriting defined by its heaviness, Jeonghan’s scrawled history notes were defined by the broadness and heavy indents in each etch. Despite each heavily scribbled word, there were clear and evenly defined spaces between each word and character. Your handwriting, however, was slanted and connected through loops, and your inability to lift your pencil off the paper between each character you wrote. Its overall messiness made you want to rewrite everything after you compared it to Jeonghan’s handwriting. Still, you looked at the content written between both notebooks and found that there weren’t any differences between the notes. After all, the two of you were taking the same class.
“I gave you my notes and also studied with you these past two weeks. If you still don’t get it you can look it up online or memorize things word for word. It’s just history,” you mused while sliding your notebook closer to him so you could go back to your homework. “What did you even get on the midterm?”
“Full marks…” he replied in an almost embarrassed whisper. “With extra credit.”
The look you shot him was an inexplicable blend of confusion, annoyance, and humor. You thought that if Jeonghan was able to score above full marks on a midterm, there was no reason for him to ask you to study with him after class.
“Shouldn’t you be the one tutoring us instead?” You raised a brow at him while he looked back at you with amusement. “Do you even get the material?”
The corner of his mouth quirked upward, and you wanted to take your pointer finger to pull it back down. Yoon Jeonghan crossed his arms and turned his body toward you, making you lean back just a little in response. You watched as the familiar lazy half-smile reappeared on his face, this time partnered with an unreadable expression.
“I get the material.” Maybe it was the way the sun from the windows across the room hit his face at the exact moment, but you swore you saw his eyes glimmer for a nanosecond. “Maybe it’s you who doesn’t get it.”
When he realized he wasn’t pulling a response out of you, he visibly gave up and looked you in the eye. “Yn,” he stated.
“Yes,” you replied.
“I was trying to hit on you this whole time.”
“Huh?” This was not how you thought the conversation was going to go. The truth came down on you like the warm sunlight in the library, allowing you to finally understand the nuanced ways Jeonghan tried to get closer to you since the first time he introduced himself to you. And it filled your heart the same way it did when the handsome Jeonghan approached you while you were eating with your friends.
“Go on a date with me? Without Vernon next time.”
“Okay.”
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THIRTEEN. BAKLAVA
Thin sheets of pre-made phyllo, the lady in the video said to cover them so they wouldn’t dry. With only her voice, she tells us not to worry if we tear the fragile sheets of unleavened dough. As if it were her telling us that it’s okay if we break something that is fragile even if we handled it with the utmost care. As if it’s okay if we mess up. It’s just phyllo. It’s just dessert. It’s just baklava. You’re a first-timer. Cover the sheet with ghee and then add another layer of phyllo. It’s going to be okay. There was something so comforting in her words, as if she were my own baklava guardian. Telling me it’s okay if mistakes are made, she continues phyllo, ghee, phyllo, ghee, phyllo until it’s stacked to a specific length. Then it’s nuts and the numerous layers of phyllo and ghee. Make the baklava, still careful when handling the fragile sheets of phyllo, but forgiving of simple mistakes. Lessons in baklava. Sweetness in sticky orange syrup. Mouthwatering dessert and a soothed heart.
SEUNGKWAN
Squishy orchard soil, not yet dry from the rainfall a few nights ago, is loose enough to track mud splatters against calves. Seungkwan and Terry walk alongside each other. Mud suctioned against the bottoms of their shoes, clipboards in hand, they leave tracks wherever they walk. Broken branches and fallen oranges are accounted for, but soil erosion is what Seungkwan is most concerned about. Terry, however, cheerfully walks alongside their friend while leading their conversation about niche trivia regarding agriculture.
“Also, I learned something from a trivia question I answered wrong yester-”
A scream pierces the conversation from a distance and causes the two to stop in their tracks in the middle of the orchard. Seungkwan’s eyes follow his hearing, turning his head toward where the scream came from. Overturned ATV and a wagonful of oranges behind it, Seungkwan’s heart drops when he realizes the severity of the scene. Seokmin is already on the scene, visibly fearful yet determined to help the person who drove the ATV.
Terry is already running across the field and heading toward the accident. “Noah” they yell, their light flannel flapping behind them as they run. Noah’s name, carried by the breeze, alerts those it passes. It notifies Seungcheol. Alex. You.
As if struggling to drag himself through the mud, Seungkwan tries to run, although lethargic in his strides. Something is holding him back. Is it the way the ATV fell over in a way that even the damp mud would never allow? Or is it the way the wagon of oranges is still magically hooked and attached to the ATV with not one of the oranges in the pyramid leaving its stack? By the time Seungkwan makes his way over, Seokmin already has her upright and leaning against him for support.
“It’s just a light sprain.” Seungkwan hears Noah say through a hiss. “This rock. It came out of nowhere. Believe me Seok. I’ve never seen it before…Seungkwan! This was never here before? Right?”
Seungkwan walks toward where Noah points. To the side of the ATV, in the middle of two rows of orange trees, a rock protruding out of the ground sits proudly. However, the land around the rock is extremely flat. There is no sign of erosion at all. And Seungkwan has walked this orchard long enough to know that there were no bumps to indicate a rock of that size and stature.
“No,” Seungkwan confirms. The existence of this rock wracks Seungkwan's mind. “You’re right. It was never there.”
“See?” It came out as a plea. She looked at Seokmin and pointed at Seungkwan. “I wasn’t going too fast. It was the ro- Ow! Fuck!”
“I’m sorry,” Seokmin apologetically mumbles. “Get on my back. Let me carry you.”
Seungcheol arrives, bent over and panting. He places his hands on his thighs to take a breath. Alex arrives shortly after, panting but also with a fearful look on his face. He tries to speak, but Seungkwan motions for him to slow down and catch his breath before starting. He’s never seen Alex act like this before. Alex, possibly the only person on the farm who could almost match Soonyoung’s entire personality and energy, stutters as he tries to talk while catching his breath. Seungkwan observes how he breathes a little too hard for someone who only ran a couple of meters, to realize that Alex looks like he's seen a ghost. Alex crumples to his knees, landing with his palms against the wet mud. 
“Shit.” Seungkwan immediately rushes over to Alex’s side, placing his hand on his back. Worry erupts in his body, its lava traveling through his veins. “Breathe, Alex.”
“Seungkwan,” Seungcheol calls.
“What?” Seungkwan’s tone is a bit unrightfully agitated. Thinking about it, even he agrees that his glare was uncalled for.
“Yn.”
Seungkwan pats Alex’s back twice before he looks over to where he saw you previously run. Seungkwan has trouble trying to locate you as you are nowhere to be seen until he finally sees a lump on the ground between trees a few rows away from where he is standing.
A lump in the mud, hands pushing yourself up from the ground, you rise to your full height. But you can’t because your legs are nowhere to be seen.
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FOURTEEN. BUDAPESTBAKELSE
Do you know what it feels like to give into what you thought you hated the most? To give up and give in and end up loving what you once condemned? Beautiful and decadent was this roll on display. Budapestbakelse on the tiny card on a stand. Thought they were mangoes peeking through the whipped cream in the magnificent rolls. Delicate hazelnut meringue cake tickled with the burst of the oranges, I fell in love through my hurt. Where did my hate come from? How could I hate something that gives me so much joy?
YN
Soft kiss on your lips, the feeling lingered on your lips before it faded. Too embarrassed to look him in the eye, you opted to look at his lips. Perky cupid’s bow and the muted dark pink of his lip balm, his lips could only remind you that his hand was still holding your cheek with his thumb resting on the corner of your lips. Delicate was his touch, cupping his love and waiting for an answer to his future. Your future. A future together where you both loved each other if the present permitted it.
Courage built up in your heart, you decided to tell him before it was too late. How everything and everybody you loved disappeared. Not sure if it was a curse or not, but you told him it was a condition that was perpetually fixable if those around you noticed what was missing. Seungkwan’s name left your lips like it was second nature. Then Yunling’s. Then Terry’s. Then Noah's. You listed your helpers with the thought that he could also be one for you as he was the one with whom you were most intimate. Yoon Jeonghan, whom you’ve been in a relationship with for the past month — who pulled you to his side and introduced you to his friends as his, who told you he loved you the moment he felt it within him — you finally told him in that used car of his.
You kissed him again on the cheek before you left his car with your backpack. He was quiet while he took time to process the information. That action of his was what you liked about him. You liked his clinginess towards you and his drive to manifest everything and anything he wanted through hard work. Your friends liked him too and squealed whenever he brought snacks and drinks for all of them while he visited when you were studying. You liked how, despite processing the information, he still managed to smile when you kissed him on the cheek goodbye. And you liked how he always stayed in the car even after you locked the door behind you.
His goodbye text came before he started the car. The notification made your heart race as you pulled out your phone from the front pocket of your backpack.
Goodbye, it read. I don’t think this is going to work out for us, another text. Bye. 
Yoon Jeonghan threw away the relationship before it could reach its next stage.
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FIFTEEN. CROSTINI
Cream cheese and orange marmalade spread on store-bought crostini topped with prosciutto, we ate these like we depended on them. When the prosciutto ran out, we ate them with cream cheese and marmalade. When the crostini ran out, we ate the leftover cream cheese with our spoons and swiped the remainder off the foil wrapper with our pointer fingers. It’ll be okay. We don’t know when exactly it will get better, but it’ll get better. Don’t make the same mistakes as we did back then. Clearance section cream cheese and prosciutto? That morning after could not possibly be tamer than what you’re currently going through. You can do it…just like you’ve done before.
SEUNGKWAN
Lowered center of mass, he keeps your body balanced on his shoulders as he increases his stability in his squats. Heels dig into the ground as he keeps his chest up, grunting as he comes up from a squat. Soonyoung watches Jihoon use you as his weight, patiently waiting for his turn to use you as his gym weight while reminding Jihoon to protect his knees by keeping them behind his toes.
The rain from last Tuesday never really left — it only migrated from one area to the next: from the countryside to the city to the mountains. What could have been a nice Sunday afternoon hiking trip for the group was unfortunately obstructed by emergency text notifications regarding
avalanche warnings in the mountains. With all of the cars gone, Jihoon and Soonyoung could only resort to creating their own mini gym in the entryway of the house to work in some exercise before their next shift on the farm. The only person willing to work out with them was the only person who thought it would be funny if they used them as their weights.
Seungkwan watches everything from the kitchen, observing the gym heads at work and how Jeonghan casually walks out of your room while carrying your backpack on his back for you. It seems to Seungkwan that the distance between Jeonghan and you has closed a significant distance. Jeonghan, who even struggled to knock on your door, is now comfortable enough to walk in and out of your room even without you present. But he doesn’t want to be too quick to judge. After all, Jeonghan is his friend. Seeing how your mobility is limited, you would technically need someone to help you do things for you. Jealousy makes Seungkwan wonder why Jeonghan would be the one you go to for help.
So Seungkwan chooses to stay quiet while he continues to scrub his dishes in the sink. He rinses his batter-covered dish sponge under the tap, squeezes some of the water out, and tosses dish soap on the sponge before lathering it again. He pretends to be interested in the suds that slide and glide on his orange kitchen gloves. God, how he hates that even his grandparents’ kitchen gloves are also orange. They’ve only been gone for a little over two weeks, but Seungkwan can’t help but miss them. After stumbling upon a recipe book on the office shelves while hanging out with you, Seungkwan thought that a little baking to pass the time that was supposed to be spent hiking in the mountains could soothe his lonely heart.
Still, his hands are at work, yet his ears stay alert. He hears Jeonghan tell the three that it’s time for their shift on the farm. There’s a brief moment of silence that causes Seungkwan to look up from his dishes. He sees Jeonghan take you from Jihoon’s arms, opting to playfully tuck you under his right arm instead of holding you in both his arms. There is a complaint from you telling him to hold you properly instead of carrying you like a briefcase. The playful banter between the two of you marks your departure from the house with Jihoon following suit. Soonyoung stays behind.
Soonyoung makes his way toward the kitchen, and Seungkwan keeps his head low, turning on the tap and cleaning his sponge before he rinses his dishes. The refrigerator door opens and shuts within a few seconds. Seungkwan is barely able to put his sponge back in its sponge tray
within those seconds.
“Smells good,” Soonyoung comments while digging around the cabinets for something. A blender bottle. He grabs the communal tub of protein powder from the countertop that aligns the wall and brings it to the island where Seungkwan washes his dishes. “Can we eat it later?”
Seungkwan huffs when he hears Soonyoung’s question. Asking if he can eat whatever is in the oven instead of asking what it is. Typical. He starts setting his rinsed dishes on the dry towel to the side of Soonyoung. Soonyoung dumps a few scoops of the powder into his bottle and turns the lid of the protein powder tub shut. He turns around to put the tub back where it came from and then goes back to the clean plates, bringing it upon himself to load them into the dish dryer for his friend.
A question has been bothering Seungkwan for the past few days, a question strong enough to make him whip a meringue cake without an electric whisk. Like a prisoner in his mouth, the question wants to escape into the open. But every single time he sees you interact with Jeonghan, even if it’s just a simple wave, Seungkwan can’t help but feel a little down. The question wracks his brain and eats away at his heart so much that he hates himself for feeling jealousy towards two people. The only person who might be able to answer his question is the one who abandoned his blender bottle to help his friend load the dishes.
“If you have a question, you can ask me,” Soonyoung offers out of nowhere. He grabs the chain of measuring spoons from Seungkwan’s hand and places them in the dryer for him. “Especially if it’s about them.”
There are times when Seungkwan tends to forget that Soonyoung is older than him. The problem does not really lie in his age, but in the way he presents himself. Soonyoung, goofy and energetic, is not really someone Seungkwan turns to when he needs to confide in someone. However, it doesn’t mean that Soonyoung isn’t capable of harboring emotional intelligence. In fact, the way that Soonyoung sees the world is precious. He looks at everything around him in a way that captivates him so much that he becomes a Little Prince in a big circular Earth. He sees the world as it is — simple yet beautiful. Simplicity, in Soonyoung’s mind, is the aesthetics of reasoning and the beauty of living. Seungkwan knows that Soonyoung knows what’s on his mind. It’s simple. So he asks him:
“Is there something going on between them?”
“Yeah,” Soonyoung replies. Simple. “Jeonghan’s trying to get back together with Yn.”
“You’re not gonna tell me more?”
Soonyoung grabs something from the fridge and fills his bottle with it. “Nah,” he replies while shutting the fridge, “It’s not my place to tell. But cheer up. It’s just Jeonghan.”
“It’s just Jeonghan” probably sounded a lot better in Soonyoung’s head, but the statement only sends Seungkwan into a further state of anxiousness and jealousy. He knows he shouldn’t feel that way, but it’s hard not to when Soonyoung basically confirms that two people are currently pining over you. 
After Soonyoung heads toward the farm, Seungkwan stands alone in the kitchen, thinking about how dumb he was for believing that Jeonghan only wanted to reconcile the relationship to become friends again. A little part of him finds himself hating the hypothetical you who would be willing to get back with someone who literally tore their heart into pieces. The exact same heart that Seungkwan spent weeks mending.
And the dynamics. Gosh, Seungkwan, a lover of consistency, especially hates change when it comes to group dynamics. He wonders about how the dynamics of the current group would change if the two got back together. He wonders how the dynamics between you and him would change if you really got back together with Jeonghan.
Deep in thought, only the smell of something burning can alarm Seungkwan before he can hear his timer go off. And the air of the room, once sweet and citrusy, is replaced with something acrid and burnt. Stress causes him to freeze, and Seungkwan can only watch as Terry rushes into the kitchen to throw open the oven door.
“Fire alarm,” Terry yells at him. “Fan at the fire alarm while I grab your cake.”
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SIXTEEN. ORANGE AND HERB MARINATED FETA
Use orange zest for these. Good cheese too. Marinate it for at least half a day in the fridge. Overnight is best. But nobody is going to judge if you get a little bit ahead of yourself. Why is it so normal to shame one’s excitement? Why do we look down upon people for the trivial things that make them happy? It’s just cheese, you know. I’d be happy if I got to sneak a few pieces before it’s properly marinated.
YN
Warmth was his kindness as he held you in his arms while you let your tears roll onto his crew neck. Heartbreak was on the table, and you were served. Yet Boo Seungkwan, who smelled of dirt and his city garden internship, made sure he was always there to clear away the plates. Chest heavy and your eyes sore and puffy, heartbreak hit you in waves following the day Jeonghan dumped you on the same day he told you he loved you.
You were always interested in how heartbreak felt. The internet never gave you a straightforward answer. Seeing your friends suffer from one heartbreak to another was never enough to show you how it would feel. And you were never sure if you were ever going to experience heartbreak. Not that you wanted to be a masochist, but you couldn’t help but be interested in something you never felt before. You wanted to be prepared in case you were able to experience it someday. Maybe that one day might be the day you felt the most human.
It always felt weird, like an invisible exclusionary line that separated you from the rest of the world. Your curse. Your illness. Your whatever you wanted to call it. Why did it have to be you who lost everything you loved?
With nobody to be mad at, you could only be mad at yourself. How you spent years letting yourself be defined by your curse so much that you lived every day tiptoeing around anything and anyone because you were afraid to fall in love. Because of that, you never really had an absolute understanding of what love was or what love felt like. And it sucked when your friends told you that even they couldn’t tell you a definitive answer as to what love was.
Then came Jeonghan. A shining beam of light in your wandering, you lunged at him both figuratively and literally with the hope that he could be the one who changed you. You thought that maybe if you were able to be in a relationship with him, you could feel more human. This didn’t mean that you faked your way through your relationship with him. No. You weren’t that kind of person. You had a crush on him. You liked him. You liked being his. But you weren’t given a chance to love him.
This time, you weren’t sure if that chance was tarnished because he was afraid of you loving him or you were afraid of loving him.
“Fuck.” You sniffed while wiping your eye with the collar of your shirt. “Is this what heartbreak feels like?”
“Feels like?” Seungkwan’s tone sounded like he was offended for some reason. He pulled away from his embrace to reach toward your desk to grab a few tissues from your tissue box to hand them to you. “You’re going through a heartbreak.”
Defensive is what you felt upon hearing Seungkwan’s reply. This sinking feeling in your heart that came and went whenever it pleased, you had trouble understanding it as heartbreak. So you replied, “But I didn’t even love him.”
Did you love him? Could the strong affection you felt towards him as well as the peace you felt within your heart be signs that you loved him? Did your love find a new way to drive another person away? If anything, all of that led to you admitting to your best friend that you felt a fear creeping and building within you. You were scared of falling for somebody in the future if it meant that this entire ordeal would happen again. Yet the fear of falling in love and knowing the person you loved is going to disappear was something that you continued to let define your present and future.
“An ordeal?” Seungkwan sounded more offended than he should be in the current situation. “You don’t have to lessen heartbreak as a means of trying to overcome the situation by calling it something less than it is. You’re young. I’m young. We’re supposed to date around, break hearts, get heartbroken, and discover ourselves during our twenties. I would never forgive you if you spent your twenties hung up about a man, so please live your life to the fullest whenever you can.”
“But what if…” You were hesitant to finish the thought, but the very fact that you were with the person you trusted with your entire heart allowed you to finish speaking. “…what if I fall in love with myself while I’m discovering myself?”
The thought of disappearing from the world sucked you dry. You felt like your insides were sucked into a cosmic black hole that formed inside of your body, body concaving and making you shrivel. Then came the immense amount of guilt you always carried with you, the guilt of knowing that you made people disappear on multiple occasions. You were scared of making people disappear as you were equally scared of disappearing yourself. It wasn’t the fact that you didn’t know what came next after disappearing. It was the fact that you were scared of disappearing because you thought that you were not important enough to have someone notice that you disappeared. It scared you.
“Why don’t you fall in love with yourself?” His question.
“I’m scared of being forgotten.” Your answer.
“I don’t think I can ever forget someone like you.” His honest answer.
A sad smile. Your vague answer. You knew that you could never put as much effort into your friendship with Seungkwan as he does because you were scared of loving him as a friend. Yet love was so twisted. You struggled to understand how it was that you didn’t love Seungkwan as a friend. You would probably launch yourself in front of a bus if it meant saving him. You would give him your entire bank account if he needed it. You would always rely on him if you were sad. So how was it that it was not love? Why was it that Seungkwan was not gone? And why was it that Seungkwan chose to stick around even when he knew that you were constantly restraining yourself from giving as much as he did?
Boo Seungkwan had quite literally become one of the only constants in your cursed life, and you were doing everything that you could to keep him from disappearing. Because you knew that there was probably nobody else in this world who would understand you as much as Boo Seungkwan.
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SEVENTEEN. FREEKEH SALAD
I had this friend who would always buy this at the grocery store for every single potluck. And every single potluck you could see his name under the dishes section with this same salad written next to his name. It wasn’t like anybody complained or anything. He would bring the salad, and we would eat it. One time, I found myself craving this grocery store salad after a workout so I went and bought the same one in the same container I’ve seen so many times. But when I was able to sit down to eat it, I realized that the flavor was off. And it wracked my mind. I had a picture of the container taken on my phone so I knew I bought the correct item. Even the ingredients were the same. I tasted the salad so many times that I knew that there was no way that this salad that I was eating was the same as the salad I ate multiple times at the potluck. So I reached out to him. Turns out, he would add orange slices and drizzle some of that orange juice left over from cutting the oranges into the salad. Who would’ve thought. It was a tiny extra step that he never talked about. Yet comparing the original salad to his salad, it made me wonder just about how much of what I know I do not know.
SEUNGKWAN
Not yet the end of the summer, nine people arrange themselves on the front porch of the house while the afternoon sun shines on them. A tripod is being set up by two people who have yet to join the group. Silver van parked on the cul-de-sac, the remaining two finish loading suitcases into the trunk and slam it shut when they finish their task. The seasons have changed for a while now; now it’s time for someone’s season to progress onto a new one.
Boo Seungkwan watches Seungcheol and Alex as they jog back to the group. Morgan and Soonyoung have finally finished setting up the tripod with the added mini-lesson from Morgan who taught Soonyoung how to take pictures from his phone by using his smartwatch. Sadness is stored in Boo Seungkwan’s chest, already creeping up his throat.
They’ve been wasting away under the burning summer sun when they could’ve been running the farm with the wasted time. One can easily blame Soonyoung for his lack of knowledge regarding technology despite having the best phone on the market, which led to the loss of time. And the father’s inability to pack all of his and his daughter’s things until the very morning could also be a potential subject of blame. Yet nobody complains about wasting time. They could never. Wasted time, in this case, was a gift that kept loved ones from leaving.
Granted, the father-daughter duo are only moving their stuff back to their place in the city while Seungcheol has to attend a few “IRL side quests” (as Terry likes to put it) disguised as in-person meetings for his job. Seungkwan is still making Seungcheol come back for free labor until the end of the season. Nonetheless, the very thought of two beloved people leaving for only a few days is enough to cause forlornness to wash over the group.
Seungkwan sees how Seungcheol’s aura of happiness shines brighter than it has for a while. There is a newfound energy in his friend, and Seungkwan could never be more proud of him. So, taking a group picture to commemorate friendship and new beginnings seems fitting for this day.
“Hey Kwan.” Your voice causes Seungkwan to respond by looking down at your upper body in his arms. He props up his right knee to lift your body higher so he can properly talk to you. “You can put me down whenever you’re tired.”
“I’ll never be tired,” he replies.
Seungkwan isn't trying to make his conversation with you private, nor is he expecting anybody to listen, but he sees Seungcheol in the corner of his eye smiling at him. An actual smile, the kind where the smile is so big that his eyes squint and tiny smiles form on the outer corners of his eyes. He’s not sure if the older guy is smiling because of his conversation with you or the fact that him holding you in his arms visually parallels how Seungcheol is carrying his baby in his arms, but he doesn’t really think anything of it. Although Seungkwan is finding it harder to read his friends nowadays, he’s just happy that Seungcheol is finally in a state where he’s ready to move on with life.
“Come on everybody,” Soonyoung shouts while running back to join the group on the porch. “Let’s take the group photo.”
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EIGHTEEN. SCREWDRIVER
If you think about it, a Screwdriver is like a Mimosa’s rebellious sibling. But only if they were from a refined family or not even refined. I don’t even think refined is a good word for it. But it’s like in the movies where it’s set in a prestigious private school or something and there’s this one rebellious student who “wears” the school uniform but in a different way. Yeah. Okay. I’m not good at explaining things am I?
YN
Bodies squished against one another on the worn-down brown couch originally bought as a flea market passed from one graduating friend to another, the bodies tried to scoot closer to each other to accommodate everybody who wanted to join the drinking game at the party. What could better define a graduation rager than a fun little Truth or Dare happening in the living room of some random acquaintance’s apartment?
The strip of LED lights that wrapped around only a quarter of the living room’s edges was enough to illuminate the small university apartment. The music from the speaker was synched to the lights, causing the lights to pulse and switch colors every few seconds. There were enough people packed inside the apartment to cause every firefighter’s arm hair to tingle. A game of beer pong took place on the dining room table. The sound of the ping pong ball hitting the insides of the cup was drowned out by the cheers. Graduation was over, and there were only a few days before the apartment leases ended for everybody. Tonight, every apartment unit was celebrating.
You found yourself on the floor, your legs tucked uncomfortably to the side of your body because your jeans couldn’t allow you to cross your legs. Two red plastic cups were passed to you, the contents being several strips of folded truths and dares for you to choose from. The cups weren’t heavy themselves because the weight of having to choose between truth or dare felt heavier. Center of attention, you didn’t know whether you should be a bit adventurous and go for the dares or play it safe but risk not wanting to spill something and drink from the disgusting concoction that Vernon and Yunling came up with on a whim as a punishment if you picked from the other cup. Plus, you knew and were close to everybody participating in the game, so you knew that they wouldn’t judge you based on the decision you were about to make. So you stuck your hand in one of the cups and pulled out the truth you had to answer openly.
With the slip of paper tucked in your palm, you gingerly placed the cups on the coffee table in front of you by pushing away the mess of opened hard seltzers and cheap beers from the liquor store next to the wholesale store a few blocks down the street. Anticipation caused your fingers to quiver as you opened the slightly damp piece of paper that was in your hand. And you read what was scribbled on there loudly, “Is there anybody in the room that you like?” But your voice faltered as you hit the end of the question.
Suddenly, your corner of the apartment became a couple of decibels quieter than the rest of the apartment. Half of the Screwdriver you drank along with a bunch of other liquids sat uncomfortably in the pit of your stomach. Everybody knew about your curse and about the breakup that happened. It was only a simple little truth to answer, so how could it change the atmosphere of such a lively party so quickly?
Seungkwan, who sat beside you, took it upon to snatch the piece of paper between your thumb and pointer finger to read for himself. He laughed a little too loudly as if it were forced. And he pushed your bicep with his right hand as if to make it seem like he was kidding around with you. “Oh my god” is what you remembered him gasping before you reached over to grab Terry’s unfinished drink on the coffee table.
“Yn, you’re drunk! It clearly says ‘Is there anybody in the room who is most like you?’” Seungkwan waved the piece of paper in the air with the blank back facing the circle of friends as a sort of ethos to support his claim and dropped it in his drunken stupor.
Rim of the can to your lips, you knew what you read. Seungkwan told a white lie for you.
“Whoever wrote that has to take a shot. Couldn’t you have thought of something juicier?” Seungkwan huffed before grabbing your wrist in his hand, pulling the can away from your mouth in the process. You picked up the piece of paper and pocketed it before you allowed him to pull you away. “We’re going to go to the balcony so they can get some air and sober up a bit. You guys keep playing.”
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NINETEEN. PORTOKALOPITA
Heaven in a bite melts in your mouth into a pool of orange and vanilla. Heat of an unusually warm Autumn day opts you to pay extra to add a scoop of ice cream on top. Did you ever need a reason to treat yourself to something as small as a scoop of ice cream on top of a slice of Portokalopita? Does it count as cheating to want to indulge in something from time to time? The world shouldn’t feel like it’s going to end if you do something out of the ordinary or if you spend a little extra for something that you may not remember eating a couple months down the road. The truth is, we’re not going to remember exactly how we felt in the present in the future. We may remember being happy, but there will come a time in which you forget what exactly it was that made you happy…what it was that made you sad. It’s just life. It’s just cake. Even if you’re not going to remember in the future, wouldn’t you like to grant yourself that tiny bit of fleeting happiness?
SEUNGKWAN
It’s over, he thinks.
Boo Seungkwan lies awake in the dark on his side of the large shared mattress. Two soft pillows comfortably prop up his head, and the air conditioning in the room brings the room to his preferred sleeping temperature. Nevertheless, Seungkwan is finding it especially hard to sleep. Whenever he closes his eyes, he cannot stop seeing the scene of Jeonghan holding you in his lap the whole time everybody was in the backyard roasting marshmallows. And when he opens his eyes to stare at the ceiling above him, he can’t stop himself from thinking about how comfortable Jeonghan looked when Jeonghan would hunch his back a little to rest his chin on top of your head while he kept his arm wrapped securely around your stomach to keep you from falling off of his legs. It renders Seungkwan jealous.
It's time to give up, he thinks to himself no matter how much that idea hurts him. Give it up for Boo Seungkwan for finally realizing his feelings for you, only to have the guy who usually sleeps next to him be one step ahead of him. Or even several steps ahead of him. But Seungkwan is much too nice of a guy to even think about ruining a blossoming relationship between two exes to get what he wants even if the person he wants is one of the aforementioned friends. He wants to wish the two of his friends well no matter how much thinking about the two of them possibly getting together in the near future hurts him and makes him feel like crumbling. Even lying flat in the dark bedroom makes him want to cry so much that his tears escape his tear ducts through the outer corners of his eyes and fall along his face to wet the tips of his ears and then land on the pillow.
Extremely jealous and desolate on the inside is how he feels. He thinks about what he could have possibly done in the past to allow him to be in the same position as Jeonghan was tonight. Piercing sadness strikes through his gut, and it pins him to his bed. This feeling that makes him immobile is worse than the feeling of waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to move even the tips of his fingers.
Where he excused himself from his group of friends early, claiming that he was feeling more tired than usual, he now finds himself alone with his thoughts while life animates the rest of the house. He hears bits of laughter that escape from the living room and footsteps above his head. Seungkwan’s lie was not a lie at all — he does feel tired, but in a way that dries his eyes and eats at his insides. He’s too tired to socialize. He’s much too tired to think about tomorrow. He’s exhausted thinking about love and friendship.
A rectangular ray of light disrupts the dark ceiling for a brief second before it disappears. Yoon Jeonghan closes the bedroom door behind him while he’s careful to walk lightly and quietly to his side of the bed in the dark. Pretending to be asleep, Seungkwan closes his eyes to avoid confrontation with his friend. It’s a childish move, but what can he do?
Seungkwan’s body slightly dips to the left when Jeonghan climbs into bed. Jeonghan is doing his best to not wake his friend because, for all he knows, Seungkwan has probably been asleep for a while. Jeonghan showered earlier in the evening, but Seungkwan can still smell the scent of the fragrant smoked wood on Jeonghan.
He doesn’t know how long it has been since Jeonghan got into bed. The two of them are silent. The room is uncomfortably silent.
It’s so silent that Seungkwan can hear the tiny crackle Jeonghan’s lips and saliva make when he opens his mouth to speak. “Are you awake?” Seungkwan hears his friend ask him.
“Yeah.” He finds himself automatically replying. He feels so dumb. “Can’t fall asleep. You?” He doesn’t know why he’s being so honest with Jeonghan.
“Nah,” Jeonghan admits. He brings his left hand up to his mouth to clear his throat before awkwardly folding his hands on his stomach as if he is mentally preparing himself to say something confessional. “I uh- I kissed Yn.”
There it is.
At that moment, it felt like the end of the world, is what Seungkwan currently wishes he felt. But he doesn’t. The confession doesn’t pain him either. The feeling he currently feels while trying to absorb the fact that Jeonghan kissed you feels so disgusting. It makes him feel disgusting, yet it also numbs him so much that he doesn’t know what he’s feeling. Is it the feeling of his world crashing down? Not really. It’s as if he knew that it was going to happen despite how much he did not want it to happen. Like a harsh reality slap to his entire body. That’s what it is. Somehow, he finds himself mustering up the courage to ask Jeonghan what happened.
“They kissed me back.” Jeonghan answers, but there isn’t any pride in his voice. To Seungkwan, he sounded kind of sad. Dejected.
Jeonghan’s hair ruffles as he turns his head so that his right cheek lays against his pillow. He wants to make proper conversation with Seungkwan by looking at him. Feeling incredibly hurt, Seungkwan can’t bring himself to face him.
“Kwan. Do you know what a pity kiss is?” Jeonghan almost whispers as if he is admitting a fault.
“Why would you ask me about that?” Seungkwan grumbles while pulling the sheets closer to him.
“They kissed me back only because they pitied me.” Jeonghan turns his body so he’s leaning on his right side. He moves his right arm towards his head so he can prop himself up. “I mean, it’s not like they were leading me on this whole time. I was only getting ahead of myself. It was a pity kiss, Seungkwan. They pitied me. I think they’re appreciative that I’ve been trying to repair what I broke, but I know for a fact that Yn never planned to get back with me even if we became friends again.”
Seungkwan feels Jeonghan stroke his hair by running his fingers through his bangs and straightening it out for him. It’s as if Jeonghan is simultaneously trying to mend what could become a broken friendship with Seungkwan before it happens. Seungkwan is hardheaded as to how truly soft-hearted the mature Jeonghan is.
There’s a soft smile on Jeonghan’s lips as he continues to stoke his friend’s hair. He feels pity for himself. “I know you hated me for messing up in the past, and even now I regret letting go of Yn because I was afraid. I don’t know what I was so afraid of. I ended up still liking Yn even if half of them is physically missing.”
Seungkwan turns his body so he’s facing away from Jeonghan. He doesn’t get why Jeonghan is telling him so much. Is Jeonghan trying to rub it in his face that he finally understood what Seungkwan and the rest of the world knew when they were back in college? His eyebrows are furrowed with stress, and it would take more than a hot iron to flatten them out.
Jeonghan lets his left hand drop before taking it upon himself to pull the sheets over Seungkwan’s body. “There’s no use in pursuing them anymore. I let hope get the best of me.”
“Oh” is the only thing that Seungkwan can manage to say. He doesn’t really know how to continue the conversation with the older man or if he should even continue the currently one-sided conversation because he also likes you. Really likes you to the point where it feels almost obsessive given how much he thinks about liking you.
“God,” Jeonghan groans while grabbing Seungkwan’s shoulder to shake him. “Stop being dumb. If you like Yn then make sure you tell them before you live the rest of your life being regretful because you didn’t do something when you had the chance. Stop being so stubborn and confess your feelings. There’s no need for courtesy when it comes to love.”
“Yes there is,” Seungkwan snaps at Jeonghan. He sits up in a fit of madness and tosses his legs over the edge of the bed. “I need water.”
“You need to tell them how you feel.”
The walk from the bedroom, down the hallway, past the living room, and into the kitchen feels like the longest journey of Seungkwan’s life. When he finally gets to the kitchen, he sees a few people walk out of your room. He grabs a cup from the cabinet and fills it up the cup with water while trying to make it seem like he’s not staring at the people exiting your room. He sees them wave and say “goodnight” while shutting the lights and closing the door for you because you can’t do it yourself.
Thoughts cloud Seungkwan’s head. There’s a huge part of him that wants to knock on your door after all of the others have gone to bed, but he doesn’t want to be a bother. So he tells himself that he will eventually confess to you. He just doesn’t know when.
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TWENTY. MADRAS COCKTAIL
Get this. If a Screwdriver and a Mimosa are family members, then the Madras is like the cool single aunt. Or even like the coolest older sister who you always wanted to be like when you grew up. It’s just cranberry juice, orange juice, vodka, and some lime juice if you’re feeling a little extra. She’s cool. She’s sweet. She’s sour. She’s everything you’re not. But that doesn’t mean you’re any less than what you think yourself to be. You’ll get there some day.
YN
“You okay?” Seungkwan asked you after shutting the balcony door behind him.
“Yeah,” you meekly replied while you leaned against the black metallic balcony railing. “Thanks for saving me.”
“If I still need to save you from a little game of Truth or Dare, then how are you going to survive without me by your side all the time?” Seungkwan joined you to your right, leaned his forearms against the railing, and looked below towards the apartment parking lot.
Down below, a couple of people were moving out of their apartments and loading boxes filled with an ending chapter of their lives into their cars. There were a couple of inebriated stragglers who stumbled around and sat on curbs. And there were the people on the balconies who stepped out to look beyond their tiny apartments to see the world around them only to be met with the view of a parking lot and a gas station in the distance.
If people were stepping out to do all kinds of things, what did you step out for? You struggled to find meaning in escaping an awkward scenario during a drinking game with your friends and felt even more trapped with the fact that you stepped out onto the balcony where you were hit with the reality of not being with these people you shared days and nights with for years.
“I don’t know” is what you came up with. It was fine to not know. You spent your whole life avoiding not knowing, escaping unthinkable truths. If you spent your whole life dedicated to prevention, then who were you trying to protect? And were who you were trying to protect worth protecting at all? There was so much meaning in everything around you, and it constantly seemed like people were trying to find meaning in their lives, trying to find meaning in anything they could find. You knew that Seungkwan wanted to work in the city gardens to find meaning in his life so that he was not tied down to his family farm. He had tons of friends and people he loved, a future he wanted, and meaning to his life. And he still promised that nothing was going to change between the two of you, that he would stay by your side for his entire life if he could. But did you want that for him? Did you want to keep him by your side just because he was one of the only few people in this world who truly understood you? Or was there some deeper meaning that you have not yet found or considered?
“I’m going to miss you,” you told him.
Even under the dimly lit balcony light, you could see how red his ears were, how deeply red his chest was through the unbuttoned portion of his polo. His tinted sunscreen hid most of his glow, but you thought about how physically uncomfortable he must have felt at that moment, how alcohol doesn’t sit right in his system. Yet he patted your shoulder before tossing his arm around it to tell you just how much he was going to miss you. He reminded you again that he was going to be working at the city garden for their summer program so you could visit him or hit him up whenever you wanted. He was always looking out for you, but you could only hope that he never felt like you were ever taking him for granted.
Because you knew that if you could ever allow yourself to fully love him, you would do so without any restriction to give him the unconditional love that only someone like him could deserve.
“Seungkwan!” The balcony door swung open, sending a quick breeze toward the both of you. A cat-type with pale skin who was wearing a beanie pulled over his head of hair appeared in the doorway. He must have slammed the door open a little too forcibly as he quickly held onto the door to keep it from vibrating and proceeded to bring his opened can of cola to his lips to lick away the contents that spilled onto his hand. “Shots” was all he said before he headed back inside without bothering to close the door.
“I- I think I’ll go inside. I hear them yelling for me, and I don’t want my name to be perceived by the neighbors.” Seungkwan awkwardly gestured to the ongoing party before looking at you again. “Can I get you anything?”
You shook your head to tell him you didn’t need anything. “I’ll head inside after a few minutes. You go ahead,” you told him.
A sheepish smile is what he left you with before he went inside. After you saw him gently close the door behind him, you looked at the piece of paper that you picked up and kept in your clammy hand. Uncrumpling it, you straightened it out against the flat side of the metal railing. You didn’t even need much light to see the words scribbled on the piece of paper: “Is there anybody in the room that you like?”
Yells emitted from inside the apartment, and you looked through the large glass windows to see Seungkwan taking a shot with those around him. He looked happy to be exactly where he wanted to be, but you couldn’t help but think he always looked a different kind of happy whenever he was around you. You read the stupid little strip once over and looked back at your group of friends, especially the one in the center. Smiling to yourself, you folded the little paper and tucked it in the space between the back of your phone and your silicon phone case before opening the balcony door to join the rest of them.
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TWENTY-ONE. GLAZED CARROTS
You would think orange-glazed carrots would taste the same as orange carrot juice, but it doesn’t. It’s mostly the same ingredients used in different ways. It’s like how a lot of us live such similar lives, yet we all have different outcomes. A framework is only there to guide you along the way, but the results may vary even if you choose to follow or not follow the framework. I can tell you that I need a couple stalks of carrots, a quarter cup of orange juice, two tablespoons of sugar, and a bunch of other things, but it doesn’t mean that our end result would turn out the same. I may be making some glazed carrots while you end up with carrot cake. Don’t worry about sticking to what was originally written in stone. Focus on what you want to do.
SEUNGKWAN
Sweat drips down his back and colors the back of his shirt a darker hue. The fabric sticks uncomfortably to his skin as he runs around the farm while constantly checking his overheating phone to see if there are any new messages. Today, fear lingers over everybody like a dark cloud in the sky. You are missing, and nobody can find you.
Something unsettling has been going on for a few days. It’s Wednesday now, the last Wednesday of the month. It was only Saturday when Jeonghan confessed that he kissed you, Friday when Seungcheol moved out. As if there is a new shift in the pacing on the farm, nothing feels the same even though everything is the same. Seungkwan doesn’t know if he’s gaslighting himself into thinking there’s something wrong, but ever since the day Terry was finally able to pull Seungkwan to the side to talk to him, he knew that there was something wrong:
“What is so important that you have to talk to me in Soonyoung, Seokmin, and Jihoon’s room? It smells like sweat in here,” Seungkwan complained while standing in the middle of the bedroom and looking at the mess of gym equipment and strewn gym shorts on the floor.
Terry stuck their phone in Seungkwan’s face. On the screen was a picture of a chart that Seungkwan couldn’t quite comprehend was describing. There were a bunch of different colors, and he couldn’t quite make out the words with how Terry’s hand trembled. “Oranges. I was a couple of rounds away from winning that trivia game when a question about oranges popped up. I swore I was going to move on seeing how I’m literally working on an orange farm,” Terry said. “I was so pissed when it said that I lost because I answered incorrectly so I had to look it up. Look at this chart, Seungkwan. It’s summer. We don’t grow grapefruits or lemons here. Most oranges are in season from November to early spring.”
Seungkwan squinted his eyes and grabbed the phone from his friend’s hand to double-check the chart and the website where that page was pulled from. It looked legit, but it didn’t mean that it was impossible to have a late orange harvest. Then again, he couldn’t recall ever working on the farm in the summer because his entire family always went on a summer vacation together. He tried to recall what he learned in university. Was it during a botany course that he learned about fruits? Was it a pomology course? He couldn’t remember. Why couldn’t he remember?
“But that’s impossible,” he bluffed. Why did he bluff? “We’re still getting loads of oranges. They’re plump, juicy, and ripe. It’s always been this way.”
“Yeah, it’s always been this way during winter.” Terry took their phone back from Seungkwan to pull up something before flipping their screen for their friend to see. “Look at the date. December. The reason why we were wearing short-sleeves was because we got sweaty from working on the farm. I always liked building gingerbread houses at your place because your grandma always baked them with orange zest.”
“Then why are we here? Why are they in season?” 
“I don’t know, Kwannie…You think we would have all of the answers we’re looking for. But we don’t. But is it really that big of a difference if there’s no harm at all?”
What makes the current situation at the farm even worse is the fact that you stopped using your phone about a week ago. There was no use in carrying your phone around when people were always by your side, and you were also wary of the possibility of not being able to hold your phone anymore. That means that there is no way that somebody could possibly reach you without having to physically find you first.
He takes the back door through the café kitchen and rounds the corner up the stairs. The air-conditioned interior of the café pricks his skin, but he doesn’t care. There are only a few places left to check, and Seungkwan is determined to be the one to find you. His heart is racing. He doesn’t even stop to catch his breath as he double-checks every single upstairs room.
Surprise. Relief. A long laugh. Long last, he finally finds you asleep with Seungcheol’s daughter in the middle of the bedroom surrounded by the pile of the baby’s plushies. He drops to his knees, clearly out of breath, and lays flat with half his body on the baby’s soft rug and the other half on the cold hardwood floor.
Only your head is what is left of you. Seungkwan thinks it happened sometime today while you watched the baby for Seungcheol. But you’re still you. That’s all that matters.
A couple of footsteps bound up the stairs. Seungkwan calls out to them from his place on the floor. Alex and Morgan appear, both with sweat dripping down their foreheads and making strands of their hair stick to their face. All is well on the farm.
All is well.
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“Are you hungry?” Seungkwan asks you as he props your head on his jacket to keep you from rolling off the picnic blanket he set up. A brief bike ride with your head in the bicycle basket brought the two of you to a nearby field a couple of minutes away from the farm.
“You know what? I haven’t been hungry for days, but you’re the only person who still takes time to ask me that question out of habit. Maybe I miss your cooking or your nagging about my food choices, but I think I’m feeling a bit hungry now that you mention it,” you answer him from the comfort of your spot on the blanket. “Thank you for bringing me out here. You must’ve been scared the whole bike ride because I could see you looking at me while you were biking just to make sure I didn’t bounce out of the basket. I’m not a bouncy ball, you know.”
Seungkwan sits by your side before deciding he would be much more comfortable lying down on the blanket. So he lies there with you, under the canopy of a giant tree and the vast blue sky that stretches into an unknkown world.
There are so many things in life that Seungkwan still doesn’t understand. He thinks about Jeonghan and how he quickly became Seungkwan’s biggest hypeman since that day. There’s also his conversation with Terry that lingers in his mind, how magical this summer seems. And he thinks about you, how lucky he is to spend even an hour with you, quiet, and in the area between the bustling city and the quiet countryside.
“Do you think,” Seungkwan begins, “that because you’re hungry that there’s a chance for your body to come back? Is that too much of a question? Is it bad that I’m asking that? I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” you laugh. “I think I used to be so scared of anything that had to do with disappearing that I lived life just so that I could prevent it from happening. I think I’m much happier now…Definitely much happier now that I don’t physically have a body. I’m okay if it doesn’t come back.”
“Can I ask why?” At this point, Seungkwan’s head turns towards yours. He sees you. Peaceful. Still. The foil to the inner turmoil that defines his very character.
So you laugh. A big “Ahh haha” that precedes the feeling of embarrassment. And you roll off Seungkwan’s jacket so that you can face him face-to-face, a chance to be physically closer to him. And he’s here to catch you, to steady you by keeping you close to him with his hand supporting the back of your head, never really wanting to let you go.
“Because I know you’ll be by my side.” Big and toothy, you grin at him so widely that it causes his breath to hitch.
“What if I’m not by your side?” Seungkwan tries you even when his intimate proximity to you causes him to feel such an immense child-like glee.
“Then I’ll find a way to you,” you tell him. Soft is the words on your lips, soft is your gaze as he brings you closer to him so that your foreheads meet, and softer is how your very being lands on his heart. “I like you, Seungkwan.”
Soft is the way he kisses you, carefully and gently as if to wade in the waters. A tumultuous first meeting that predetermines the present, Seungkwan’s lips fold between yours as if connecting two puzzle pieces not necessarily missing from each other. They were always meant to be for each other.
So he pulls your head closer to his as he deepens the kiss, wetting lips and sparking a new season of life even if it is only briefly.
Magical summer and the oasis away from the city, how hard is it to tell someone you have loved them for so long that your heart yearns for them even when they are near you? Like the fibers that hold the oranges together, he wants to envelop you with his entire being even when he knows the two of you would eventually part. But what is life like when you live in fear of the future? The present time is brief — but how beautiful it is to live it fully, to not take the present for granted?
“I think,” you tell him when the two of you pull apart, “if I wake up tomorrow without my head, I would be fine with it knowing what it is like now to live without regrets. But would you miss me if I disappeared?”
Seungkwan flipped over to lay on his back and brought your head to his chest so that you could hear his voice rumble in his chest against the backdrop of his beating heart. “I miss you even when you’re near me.”
“Stop being cheesy. Be honest,” you pout.
“I wouldn’t miss you.”
“Why is that?” You asked him.
Seungkwan stops to think for a second and brings an arm up to support the back of his head. “I dunno. I think it’s because I would delude myself to the point where I would believe that you are right beside me. But I would miss you, and I would do everything to not forget you. And I wouldn’t ever blame myself or regret the fact that I have loved you for the longest time. In fact, I’m thinking about that time in college when I got mad because you said that you didn’t love me.”
“Well you asked me why you weren’t gone after being friends with me for so long. Me telling you that I didn’t love you was logical, wasn’t it?” you complain.
“I’m still hurt. Wounded, actually,” Seungkwan pouts while holding your head above his face. He kisses the tip of your nose before putting you back against his chest, hugging you tightly even if it suffocates you.
“Stop handling me like I’m your doll.” He watches as you roll your eyes at him while speaking even though it’s evidently clear to him that you’re just being shy. Even then, he has to admit that his boldness also surprises him. “I don’t think there’s anything logical about anything, really. So I think I can say that I’ve also been loving you for the longest time. So to be able to say it out loud without being afraid, even if I can only do it briefly, I would still be happy about the fact that I could give and receive love from you, Seungkwan. So hold me tight, briefly, even if it’s only for a moment.”
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TWENTY-TWO. CHOCOLATE ORANGES
Giant ball of molded chocolate wrapped in orange tinfoil, you thwack it against a flat surface until you feel the chocolate break into their individual slices. What is underneath is a classic milk chocolate treat, several slices too many. Take a slice and bring it to your mouth. Do you let it dissolve into a pool of chocolate and orange or do you break it apart between your teeth? Do you bring your fingers to your lips to lick away the melted bits or do you wipe it away? Is it wrong to do what you want to do? I like licking my fingers even if the person next to me thinks it’s a disgusting habit. I don’t care. I’m just eating chocolate and minding my business. Wrap it in the tinfoil if you’re not finished. There are a lot of pieces, so you don’t have to try to finish it in one sitting. I like trying to keep it in the shape of an orange, but that’s just me. I won’t judge you based on something as small as eating sweets. Several years down the line, you might still remember how anxious you felt or how embarrassed you felt in this moment. You would think about what other people might have thought about you. But in reality, I would be thinking about this moment. About how fun it was to whack the chocolate ball on different surfaces and watch the slices reveal themselves as we unwrapped the foil together.
SEUNGKWAN
Rows upon rows of trees barren and without fruit, the sight of it all was like a miracle at the end of June. The fact that it actually happened shocked Seungkwan so much that he didn’t even react when Seokmin and Soonyoung swiped his wallet from his trekking backpack to pay for the overpriced convenience store sliced oranges and whole oranges for the group during their hiking trip as a joke.
Trail mixes in plastic baggies, filled water bottles in hand, and several forms of oranges thrown in a plastic bag, the group follows each other along the hiking trail they were supposed to visit several weeks ago. Sunlight bright and cool winds passing by, today could not be a more perfect day for a friendly group hiking excursion in the mountains overlooking the city. And Seungkwan keeps your head wrapped tightly in his arms in fear that Jihoon would somehow find a way to use you as some form of weight training. Again.
Not once does he complain about not being able to use his hands to hold onto rails for support while climbing steep staircases or while crossing over stepping stones in the several rivers. He walks in the middle of the group, holding you up to let you inspect nature from different heights, happily chatting with his friends who surround him.
He tells you about oranges: the fruit, the ones on the farm, the way you like them prepared in desserts, the smell, the taste, the history he has with them. And he fills the gaps in your memory one description at a time. He has done it so many times that he knows what questions you are going to ask him. He knows how to describe things in ways even authors struggle to do. He’s patient, careful with his words, and welcoming of different voices in his conversations.
Tennis shoes crunching against the dirt paths, every time Seungkwan hands you over to another friend, he would always somehow find you back in his arms. Beyond the lush and vibrant green leaves is the city Seungkwan so badly wishes to live. But he sees his group of friends — Jihoon and Jeonghan, who try to push Soonyoung into the bushes whenever they can; Seokmin, who blushes while he intertwines his fingers with Noah’s; Morgan, who drags Alex by the straps of his backpack; Minghao, who is about to use your head as a phone stand for pictures before getting yelled at by Terry and Yunling; and Seungcheol, who is happier than ever — and it makes him think about just how much his life has been touched by magic to be able to be so unlonely in such a big world.
There is a scenic spot that overlooks the city. The group decides to stop there to rest before turning back so they can have dinner in the city before going back to the farm to pack up to leave.
Seungkwan sits on one of the stone benches with you in his lap. Yunling sits to the side of him and stretches her legs, bending over to massage her calves. Noah, whose sprain is already gone, comes over to hand her a few of the whole oranges they bought at the store before leaving to pass out the rest.
“God,” Yunling complains while handing Seungkwan an orange, “the peel for these are so thick that I kind of regret clipping my nails last night. And I bet these aren’t as tasty as the ones on your farm.”
“Not my farm,” Seungkwan sighs.
“I know.” Yunling pats him reassuringly on the back. “But some of my most precious memories happened on that farm. And you’re so entirely precious to all of us. How can we not associate you with the farm?”
Seungkwan bites his lip, not sure if he should come up with something witty to counter or continue the conversation with Yunling. In fact, he doesn’t know what he should be doing. He’s a college graduate, but he struggles with finding the balance between filial piety and his dreams. He struggles with trying too hard to try to fit into a world that makes it seem like everybody has their lives in order. He wonders about where everybody would go after they leave the farm. Would they remember this month how he remembers it, or would they return to their daily lives as if nothing has happened? He doubts they would treat their time on the farm as nothing, but he is human. He worries about things that he shouldn’t be worried about even if they cause him to become incredibly stressed. And he worries about you — how you would be able to go back to where you were in your life before you reconnected with him.
Yunling excuses herself to exchange her orange for another snack, leaving Seungkwan alone with you. Seungkwan looks at you with a slight frown on his face.
“What are you thinking about?” you ask him, your facial features soft yet filled with concern.
“Umm,” Seungkwan hums while looking to the side of him where two oranges sit. One for him and one for you. He tells you about how even if the convenience store orange would take him forever to peel, he would separate the tough skin from the delicate fruit as usual until the perfectly round ball of fruit is halved and then quartered and then whatever it takes to separate the fruit piece-by-piece. One after another, transferring fruit from his orange-stained fingertips into your awaiting mouth, he would watch you chew and smile as brightly as the sun in the summer sky. And he would smile too, fruitless in his hands yet fruitful in his love for you. 
Boo Seungkwan knows he’s so lucky even when he didn’t realize the presence of love buried in the rising heat that left his skin sticky to the touch during summer. Tiny people struggling to find their place in this big world, he sits on his spot on the bench wondering what he must have done in his past life to be able to sit there, in that moment, sharing fruit against the backdrop of the world with you. Moments with others, so pure and tender. To Seungkwan, to have met you in this life is a once in a lifetime. 
“Tell me, Seungkwan, what is the best way to peel an orange?” You ask him with such a cheerful smile on your face.
Suddenly, Seungkwan’s lap feels as if something heavy had been lifted off of him. His hand is still hovering where his hand had previously held your head steady. A sense of calmness instead of grief overwhelms him. Happiness even. Because he understands that even when we’ve fallen out of love with others or with ourselves, there is still someone other there who loves you and remembers you for who you were. So he takes one of the oranges to the side of him in his two hands and starts peeling.
He answers your question, wherever you may be, “It starts with the peel. Hold the orange in both hands and press your thumbs against the hollow bottom where there’s an open dip between the peel and the fleshy meat of the orange. Press into the peel with the tips of your fingernails, hard, penetrating the peel and creating a perfect opening to peel the fruit. Then, start peeling the bright and smooth outer shell away until you’re left with that orange and fleshy ball of juice. When you halve the fruit between your fingers, it sizzles and cracks crisply as you rip it apart — sometimes the juice escapes the membrane in a transparent drop of liquid, collecting on your finger, and rolling down your hand toward your arm. Sweet or sour, the rest comes after.”
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TWENTY-THREE. THE ORANGE
Tough and protective skin, I’ll still hold you delicately in the palm of my hands. Being tough doesn’t mean you can never get hurt. Tell me about how vulnerable you are on the inside, and I’ll continue to sit beside you and cherish your worth.  
YN
Sometimes we fall in love before we realize we're in love.
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TO MY BETA READERS AND HELPERS, to be constantly surrounded by your (INDI @playmetheclassics, ZETA @multi-kpop-fanfics, BEE @idyllic-ghost, PAULA @gyuwoncheol) support, I am incredibly lucky that it isn't only once in a lifetime. and much like how seungkwan feels, to be friends with you is once in a lifetime.
DEDICATED to those who are struggling to find love after loss — it may not be as far as you think.
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Copyright © 2023 Wondernus. All rights reserved.
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yveaart · 17 days
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seventeen headcanons !! — what their reaction would be if they saw you trip
don’t take this seriously.
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🍒scoups
you and your friend had an aggressive debate about something that became less relevant when you tripped over a rock as the side of your body catching you.
your friend started laughing (its required for them to do a full blown laughing session before helping u)
he was kind of worried bc you just stayed on the ground so he slowly reached out to you, but you were just silently giggling with your friend making him relieved
🍒jeonghan
he was sitting in a cafe with mingyu right beside the door of the establishment.
you were in your element, so much that you didn’t notice that the concrete elevated as you stepped into the cafe
you tripped. everyone heard it but acted like it was nothing for your sake. so you continued walking to the counter like nothing happened.
oh nvm, jeonghan let out a snort right when he saw you regain your composure making u red in the face with embarrassment
🍒joshua
you were running in the subway to wait for your train, you were going fast thinking your train already arrivesd
unfortunately there was an elevated tile through the cracks above the concrete that decided to make you as its victim
heard your knee clicked w the floor and the man did not hesitate to guide you to the nearest chair and stayed w u until you got better
even bought you ointment if it bruised or if it had a scaratch
🍒jun
you were in a convenience store by the counter ready to make your payment
you were bringing quite a snack limiting your vision of the floor
there was a wire secured by tape that you tripped on and accidentally hit jun’s back with it
looks at u, eyes deep into your soul.
🍒hoshi
would already see you on the floor
if he doesnt know u he would simply call out to staff to help u bc he’s shy like that
if ure close he would go by ur side and copy ur pose w all fours
he would think ure tryna play some tiger roleplay w him
until he sees ur scraped knee
“we must call mother doctor tiger ranghh”
🍒wonwoo
its rare to see him honestly
let’s just say you were in this tech shop to buy new work supplies
he would be checking out the newest keyboards
u tripped right by the counter almost knocking off the most expensive stuff
luckily for u, u only knocked a mouse over and surprisingly it didnt break
he’s just there with the widest eyes in disbelief
made sure u were okay and the goodness weighed out in him and he also decided to pay for the mouse u knocked over bc surely the saleswoman would not let u out of the store without paying for that.
🍒woozi
surprised to see him in the busiest streets of seoul? u should be because he was only dragged there
u would be some foreigner tho, like trying the tanghulus, tteokbokkis, and all the food u were unfamiliar with.
it would be a bustling place and you accidentally tripped over a person’s foot
that caused u placing your hand on a kiosk stand for support
this caused shock to the vendor by the sudden banging sound of your hand
practically they wanted you to pay huge amount of charges for that and then whatever else they felt like spewing up for someone who was unfamiliar to such place
before shedding a tear in your eye woozi would try to help you up and defend you. “they didn’t cause any destruction to any of your products or material, i would buy 10 more plates if that would make you stop asking her for unlawful amount of money”
woozi on the rarest day.
🍒mingyu
if you were close i feel like he would giggle a little until he realized you weren’t moving an inch
“…”
the silence was defeaning
so uhm, what was he exactly to do?
his cute smart brain concluded that he should just carry you to the car until you felt better
he bought a lot of medicine that the other stuff was irrelevant
at least u were ok right?
🍒minghao
a cold winter day in seoul caused you to look like a sketchy person
you accepted your fate for the sake of being warm
your mask limiting your vision as well as you accidentally bumped into a trash can recoiling and backing up to minghao’s body
“aunty i don’t want to be in your cult, i’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to this to chinese citizens, da jia hao!!” he said aggressively
🍒dk
he would actually be concerned
very empathetic
“miss are you okay?” “can you stand up on your own?”
would assist you to a red cross member from the event
he would make sure to ask you once again if you were doing fine before he left the venue
🍒seungkwan
you would be chatting alongside him in the streets and you were so into it that you didn’t notice that there was a construction sign in-front of you that surrounded a fee amount of bricks
seungkwan was even more into it that he was basically chatting on his own pacing forward not noticing how you hit the sign that made you fall back on your ass
“so like he was kind of cranky about it- which was totally unreasonable??? right— wait where’d you go-“
🍒vernon
poor guy got stuck on an embarrassing moment
you don't know if you should feel better because somehow he was there to help you
but then you realized he was just too awkward to help you
he really wanted to
but its just not his kind of expertise
he was sweet, but he was clearly clueless on how to handle this situation as well, he stood there for quite a while to think while tapping on his phone asking help from his hyungs
maybe he wanted to leave from the few steps he took away from u
but he couldn't just leave you there
until he did because the medic came (he called them)
🍒dino
pull out the pikachu meme where it was making an "o" shaped mouth
because that was him right now
he wasn't raised to be an ignorant person by his 12 hyungs (he taught himself tbh)
he assisted you by the nearest bench and help you stretch out your knee muscles lightly, while he was sharing his experience of tripping as well
of course he asked u if it was alright for his hands to come contact with your legs, he just rlly wanna help
he jokingly knocked on your knee like the doctors
all fun and games until he saw your other leg responding to his actions
"well thats weird...." he said as he slowly paced backwards
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hcuyk · 8 months
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SYNOPSIS : jeonghan loves you. the happier ending to kidult
PAIRING : daycareworker!jeonghan x genderneutral!reader
GENRES : established relationship, daycare au, angst, fluff, features seventeen as children
WARNINGS : mentions of car accident and child neglect
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TEASER WORD COUNT : 329
ESTIMATED WORD COUNT : 7-10k
ESTIMATED RELEASE DATE : within the next week. i lied its coming out when i get time cause why tf is my college doing sm
TAGLIST : lmk if you want to be added!
A/N : this is for kidult jeonghan reaching 1k notes. i love you all
K. COLLECTION [Y.JH] ONE | TWO
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Tears began to stream down your face, unable to hold them back, and you were thankful Jeonghan missed it, but when you heard him apologize, you turned around and snapped at him.
“What the hell do you even want?”
“I want to talk to you.”
“You had two weeks to talk to me!” you yelled, fighting the loudness of the rain. The stream of tears ran faster down your cheeks as you brought a hand to your forehead, shielding the rain from getting into your eyes.
“I tried!”
“By knocking on my door for an hour straight at two in the fucking morning?! You could’ve called! You have a key!”
“Well it’s not like you tried either—”
“I got hit by a car!” you screamed, storming towards him as the sky reflected your mood. The thunder was just as loud as the pounding in your heart, and the rain poured just as much as your tears. You pushed Jeonghan, and behind him you saw a crack of lightning. Your vision started to blur as you didn’t hold back your sobs, wanting to show him the pain he’d inflicted on you ever since he left.
“I got hit by a car, Jeonghan! What about you? Were you hit by a car?! A truck? Perhaps a plane?” You forced out a manic laugh before continuing. “Wait, no, don’t tell me. Let me guess,-”
“Y/N—”
“-mauled by a bear?”
“I can explain-”
“Tell me I’m goddamn overreacting.” You took a step forward, and instead of pushing him again, you stared, making him look at the pain he created. “Tell me I’m overreacting, Hannie. Look me in my eyes and say it loud and clear.”
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“I knew you’d be there for me.”
“I missed you, I needed you-”
“I know.”
“The day I lose you is the day I lose myself.”
“I don’t want you to wake up and realize I’m not the one for you. I don’t want that for us.”
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hopefully the svt readers see this 😔
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