#seriously i know he was focusing on revenge but the idea he was entirely alone the entire time is bizarre | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 3 years

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i saw your post about Charles and what his personality past and part in the story line so i was wondering if u could do the same for vlad? :)

Ah, well, I can at least let you know what I’ve seen so far? I haven’t delved too far into Vlad, and some of his general impressions can be confusing, so I’ll do my best to make it sensible and unbiased! Here you go lovely <33333

Fair warning, there will be mentions of a lot of JPN app content since Vlad and his boys aren’t around much in the ENG app yet.

My general sense of Vlad is basically discount vampire Sasuke Uchiha.

What I mean by this is to say–according to what I’ve read so far–his clan/family were murdered by vampire hunters in cold blood when he was just a young boy. Presumably as a result of that traumatic event, he harbors a sizable enmity towards humanity and kind of lashes out on them in weirdly specific moments of violence. Another aspect of his motivation is something that’s mentioned within Comte’s route; which is that Vlad went through the timespace door on his own one day and allegedly saw a devastated future, where nothing remains of life on earth more or less.

I guess the reason I find him to be so perplexing is that he speaks about his actions in terms of efficiency, while most of the things he does just feel like unhappy outbursts (v often a product of unresolved trauma symptoms, I’d wager.) I also say this because he appears to have no larger pattern to his fury beyond the original event of his loss. Most of the human beings he attacks aren’t much of a threat to him and hurting them really doesn’t bring him any dividends beyond revenge.

For instance, he insists his disdain for humanity and insistence on controlling them is for the sake of ensuring they do not destroy the future–the horrifying wasteland he witnessed when he traveled through the timespace door. However, I’m not really sure how his current movements really speak to that goal? I mean sure, maybe he’s relying on Faust to create an immortal human so that humans will be forced to care because it will be their future too, but he doesn’t allow Faust to draw his pureblood blood for experimenting. (One can most certainly argue this was more about a lack of trust, and perhaps for plenty reason: Faust is vindictive enough to try to turn the tables and exert control over Vlad, or act on his own whims with his findings.) But if that’s the solution he’s waiting on, turning the rivals of the men in the mansion doesn’t really bring him any closer to that vision either? I mean, what good does it do to bring back Gilles de Rais–a prominent French serial killer? How would unleashing him on the populace help humanity “realize the error of it’s short-sighted and wasteful ways” and move to a brighter future?

Can’t help it, I ask these questions as I read.

In Comte’s main story, Comte hammers home that Vlad is not somebody to be taken lightly. One day when MC goes out to buy flowers, Vlad poses as a human florist to sell them to her–which is how Comte finds out he’s in France, and that he’s made contact with MC. When prompted, Comte describes him in a very particular way; and I think people really overlook this when they talk about their relationship. He says that Vlad is frighteningly pure in terms of the way he thinks and acts. The way I understood his description (given what I’ve seen of Vlad) is that Comte really does mean it point blank: Vlad is very simple in terms of why and how he does things. The issue with this is that nuance and context are lost on Vlad as well–and that’s where the problems start to flood in. Vlad is angry at humanity for what they’ve done to him. Baseline? That’s fair, they killed his damn family. However, Vlad thinks that by extension he has the right to decimate the general public and attack people completely uninvolved in his hurt.

And that isn’t right either–it’s ignoring so many factors here. He’s ignoring how much vampires use and toy with humans as pawns, it’s ignoring the massive power imbalance between him and his victims (this really isn’t a case of self-defense most of the time, nobody but Comte/Leo is a sizable threat to him), and he’s ignoring whether or not a person even did anything to deserve his retributive violence. While murder is never okay, it is perhaps more understandable when we see Jeanne’s frenzied and violent belligerence in response to a man who murders a boy’s mother for the sake of his own amusement/convenience. Vlad literally sees almost every single one of the rivals he created begin to heal/improve and murders them in cold blood because they are no longer of any use to him. That’s uh……..that’s a little messed, not gonna lie to you chief.

While part of me understands the efficiency here–he doesn’t want to leave any traces of his involvement, he doesn’t want any loose ends–it’s also just kind of foolish and cruel ultimately. From my understanding of the narrative, all the people he turned had some visible sign that indicated their origin to Comte. So even if he claims it was for the sake of concealment, it was more likely about his personal convenience. Which…..also yikes.

[Comte clearly does not trust Vlad to be reasonable, and I think there’s plenty of good reason enumerated above, but I actually don’t sense quite so much hatred? I think he’s just given up on the idea of Vlad growing up, even if he doesn’t like giving up on people. And considering Vlad’s behavior, I think it’s overkill to say that Comte just abandons him because he doesn’t care lmao. Even when Comte expresses real anger at the end of his own route, it was more because Vlad was fine with endangering MC’s life just to get back at him. I think Comte’s unhappiness with Vlad has more to do with Vlad’s treatment of human life as meaningless and worthless. It’s fascinating but also kind of sad? Vlad’s traumatic experience results in behavior that is a direct exacerbation of Comte’s trauma, and as such--no matter their potentially fond history--they can’t stomach each other.]

In Comte’s route, Vlad also has Shakespeare abduct MC and take her to the cathedral. Later on in the castle, we see an immediate display of Vlad’s shocking powers: he has the ability to manipulate people’s desires/thoughts. I’m not exactly sure how this works, but he is able to give MC visions of the mansion and Comte coming on to her–which shocks her into realizing it’s all just a dream. It’s not reality; it’s all manufactured by Vlad.

After that...weird introductory note...Vlad gives MC the rundown on his life together with Comte, which as always is subject to a question of bias. My assumption is that he did not lie, only because he was trying to convince MC that he was “right.” Furthermore, he does not omit the most damning evidence of his erroneous judgement, which suggests a continued inability for him to see where he went wrong.

We get a series of three flashbacks. The first is them as young kids. I don’t know if Vlad had already experienced the horrors of his family being destroyed, but this particular flashback focuses on Comte. His parents, in an effort to teach him that vampires and humans have no ability to co-exist, send away all of his teachers/mentors/nannies/the servants--pretty much everyone and anyone he was closely bonded to. Think about it this way: we can see that Comte is very sociable and affectionate by nature. He was living in a house full of people, all of whom cared about him and looked after him in their own way. Now the house is entirely empty. Naturally Comte is very very upset, and Vlad appears to try to cheer him up with little success.

[When I look back on this scene I don’t think I initially registered the sheer dissonance of Vlad’s reaction, versus Comte’s catatonic misery. There was a very solemn feeling to that memory, and the correct choice in terms of extending comfort is to hold his hand believe it or not. There is a sense that he feels very alone. When young boy Vlad enters one can argue that it was the proper thing to do; he was trying to cheer up his playmate and friend. But at the same time, I think I need to double check. Because I’m beginning to wonder if I was wrong. What if Vlad was happy to see someone as alone as him, and that joy is accordingly dissonant for that reason? He can’t see what Comte needs or how he’s hurting because he’s so glad he isn’t alone anymore in a way.]

The second flashback is the war nurse scene that I have spoken at length about. The important thing to focus on here is Vlad’s surprise that Comte would opt out of turning her out of respect for her wishes. The way Vlad frames the situation is starkly different from Comte’s. Comte sees himself as an outsider, somebody who invaded her life as a result of the timespace door and therefore has no right to suddenly change the course of her fate. He had no idea if she even wanted to live (considering the horrors she’d have to cope with and remember) or leave that time period at all, for that matter (considering the only thing keeping her going was helping the wounded/victims). Comte really was listening to everything she had to say, and he was taking her concerns and motivations seriously.

Vlad simply says: if you want her, take her. It’s as simple as that for him. And in one way that’s not entirely wrong--assuming Comte would have every intention of looking after her and actually cares a lot about her. But what’s being ignored here is her agency and the fact that they really don’t know each other that well? Something like that could begin and be rocky, if it doesn’t end in complete disaster. Worse, I get the feeling Vlad is perfectly fine with the notion of turning her and if things don’t work out, just kill her or get rid of her. Again, the simplistic thinking comes into play here: it ultimately comes down to Vlad being self-centered. He’s thinking only in terms of satisfying his needs, he doesn’t seem to have any concept of a larger pair or group feeling. There’s an inability to bend/be flexible for the sake of maintaining a greater harmonious feeling.

[For the record, I don’t think this makes him irredeemable? Only that it makes it very hard to live with him or love him, probably. There’s an inability to live at a joint pace? It’s always answering to what he wants without room for anything else most of the time, which to me is not living and it’s not love ;;;;]

Following their escape back to their own time, Vlad explains how he wants to use the door to turn geniuses and control humanity. He eventually wants to create a surveillance state, which would mean everyone is forced to move with his explicit approval, more or less. (He almost reminds me of Louis XIV, can’t tell if that’s what they were going for.) I have my doubts that his abilities could extend that far, but human history shows us that we are plenty susceptible to fascist and totalitarian rhetoric. In a shocking display of anger, Comte draws the line at controlling humanity and forcing them into a regime in which, and this is Vlad’s description not mine, “we (purebloods) would be like kings.” There’s definitely a concept of evolutionary superiority at play here, which echoes what I mentioned earlier; vampires seem to have this awareness that they’re apex predators in a sense, and enjoy the power that comes with that. Unfortunately, that probably makes for a fairly toxic/uncomfortable larger species culture, which is exactly what Comte and Leo hate lmao.

Vlad does not seem to find any issue with this sort of outlook, and asks MC to decide which of them--Vlad or Comte--is right. Who is more realistic, who best understands the future? As expected the MC replies that it's Comte, and Vlad goes from beseeching to big mad at record speed. He's p much that gif of the teddy bear that smacks its head down on the tables and then has the angry eyebrows.

This is where Comte intervenes, firing a warning shot that grazes Vlad's cheek and demanding he let MC go. In response, Vlad shoves MC into the turbulent timespace door--p much guaranteeing MC's death. (Essentially timespace is a void of sorts, a human being could never survive in that environment for long. Vlad fully knew this, and yeeted her anyway.)

So uh, yeah. Disagreement? Death. Moving on? Death. Nuanced approach to reality? Death. Beginning to think he doesn't really have a lot of patience or open-mindedness or any other kind of problem-solving approach.

He raises flowers and gardens like a fiend, and he openly plucks any single flower with a blemished leaf. Even if a single petal is slightly damaged, it will be removed and destroyed. So one could argue his extremism reflects a kind of perfectionism as well. No room for errors or troublesome dissent. No ugliness of any kind. I mean in all of his interactions with Faust and Charles this is the overt undertone. Don't ask more of me than I'm willing to give. Behave like good children, mommy's busy. Is that insubordination? boss music begins

One thing I actually don't understand very well is his decision making in Dazai's route. Dazai finds out about what Vlad's doing in a nanosecond when he senses MC is in danger, and yet Vlad makes absolutely no move to eliminate Dazai? He just watches from the shadows. Even when Dazai grills Charles about his loyalty to Vlad, no retribution.

My best guess for this specific situation is that Vlad does derive some level of satisfaction thwarting the future of human beings/former humans. Dazai--being somebody with no great desire to live, no rivals to speak of as far as we can tell, and no larger aspirations--is a life that is easily extinguished. There's no satisfaction in it. When Vlad's clan was murdered and he saw the future decimated, it could be that he felt humans had invaded and eradicated every potentiality that was important to him. Where he might have lived happily with his family, that future was ripped from his grasp. Where he might enjoy his flowers and the creation of an immortal for the rest of conceivable time, that too was ripped from his grasp with a desolate future.

So much about who Vlad is is about control, so it's very possible his lashing out is an extension of that. Dazai does not awaken any of the disdain he feels, and he does not succeed in overthrowing Vlad's control over Charles, so Vlad simply lurks in silence.

And last but not least, I've seen the preview to Vlad's newest birthday event story. The contents are incredibly revealing, in that MC wishing him a happy birthday and offering him a gift has him saying that it was "the best birthday ever." Granted idk if that’s sweet or just...beyond sad, but here we are. It’s only compounding my curiosity about the wound on his chest--I really do wonder if he was attacked and locked away by vampire hunters or hostile human beings or something. I say that only because that line speaks to a lot of isolation, and given how little he seems to care about turning people/subjecting them to his whims it feels odd. Why the isolation or lack of people who care about him? Is it a perceived lack where his actions alienated all the people who wanted to be close to him, or is it a more involuntary lack?

When she says let’s celebrate again next year, he seems a pleasantly shocked by the notion, and remarks “Ah yes, it’s a promise c:”. The preview was also mega horny: “You make me feel so loved, I don’t think I can be gentle with you tonight. If you enjoy it so much, then I won’t stop. I want to see you completely lost for me. I’ll teach your body what it means to be loved by a pureblood.” Aaaaaand pretty sure the CG was alluding to him licking the good stuff from her basement, though not entirely sure given it was only the preview.

The brief POV they give us is also very revealing:

“You always keep your promises, and I think I underestimate all the time how much you saved me. You are good, only you are good in this world.”

“Will we continue to make promises to each other in the future? Well in that case--you will always, always be mine, my vampire.”

Tbh he’s...v sweet? In his own way? Honestly he feels like a crabapple that is just so sick of the world and wants softe wife to take comfort in. While granted that’s not really my thing, I know a fanbase appeal exists for these types--so if that’s your thing, have at it!

So now that we have reached the end of my ridiculously long analysis (when am I ever brief, I’m so sorry. If you made it all the way here you deserve a cookie at the very least, if not the right to chase me with a bat) perhaps it’s more clear why I said discount vampire Sasuke Uchiha? “My clan is gone, every other second I’m going to be in retraumatization insanity, when I’m not I’ll be seeking power/hobbies, planning the demise of people who wanted the best for me, building a team to my advantage and unquestioned control, and eventually settling for a lifelong love who sees the best in me despite my more difficult moments and perceived hollowing loneliness. Not the most ideal comparison, but I will say if Vlad was not already named the historical figure, would have pointed and yelled Uchiha.

That’s all from me folks, hopefully this was a fun way to get introduced to him? And again, hope I didn’t alienate--I fully respect what people do and don’t enjoy o7

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp meta #ikevamp vlad #ikevamp comte #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp faust #ikevamp charles #ikevamp dazai #i hope this was helpful!#i had too much fun writing it jkahlgkjhgdf i love meta #but thank you for submitting <33333 #oh discount vampire sasuke uchiha we really in it now #rambles #not incorrect quotes

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lynkhart · 3 years

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MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent’s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

#Critical Role #Critical Role Spoilers #CR Spoilers #shadowgast #Essek thelyss #Caleb Widogast #C2ep141 #C2ep141 spoilers #critical role finale

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pemfrost · 3 years

Note

For the prompt, maybe a fake dating au with dimiclaude? Like academy-era Dimitri decided to go asks girl out (sylvain c/b support ) and when things go out of hand- instead of going to sylvain for help, he went to Claude who suggested fake dating - but when announcing it to the girl; it turns out the entire academy finds out...leading to the king regent (who sends Rodrigue) and Grandpa Riegan to actually sign a marriage arrangement. 🥺❤️

And honestly Edelgard is confused about the development that she doesn’t declare war since the two nations are gonna team up -so golden ending jk

♡ cute idea! The meat of this drabble went a little long, so no specific mention of the royal consequences.

"You did what?" Claude actually had the audacity to laugh. Not one of his usual calculated laughs, either. A bellow of a laugh which shook his whole lithe frame and put an extra shine in his eyes. All at Dimitri's expense, of course. It seemed to be happening a lot lately.

"Never mind. Clearly this is not a matter you are capable of taking seriously." Dimitri turned to leave, but quickly remembered his predicament. On Sylvain's insistence, he approached a female student with the offer of a tea date. Nothing untoward, but it seemed the poor girl thought it to be more than what Dimitri meant it to be. It really was his own fault for taking Sylvian's advice, afterall.

Of course, Sylvain initially offered to help Dimitri hide in his room, and Dimitri had been naive enough to think it would end then and there. Yet, there he was, two days later with the same girl chasing him and Sylvain was… preoccupied doing the very thing he promised Dimitri he would stop.

Claude's room seemed the next logical escape plan. It was merely the convenience of location. Felix was still at the training yards, and even if he was in his room, Dimitri would rather face the advances of Colleen and her friends than be stuck in close quarters with Felix and his sharp tongue. The next closest room was Claude's.

Dimitri was quickly regretting his hasty choice of hiding spots. He was regretting a lot of things.

"I'm sorry for laughing, but you have to admit it is funny." Claude sat down on the edge of his bed and motioned to his desk chair, "You're welcome to hide as long as you need to. Though, perhaps it is best to just confront the whole thing head on and clear it all up?"

Dimitri eyed the chair and considered a moment before sitting. "I have attempted to be direct, yet my efforts are constantly misconstrued."

"You're too nice," Claude said, his gaze intense.

"Too… nice?" Dimitri raised an eyebrow. It was not an accusation often leveled at him.

"I've witnessed some of your conversations with girls and you have a tendency to, well, be too nice." Claude broke eye contact and looked towards the door. "You do not wish to hurt their feelings, so you phrase your rejections so delicately the girls do not take it as one."

"Oh?" Dimitri was unaware of this shortcoming.

Claude sighed and made a vague gesture at the door as a girl giggled out in the hallway. He turned back to Dimitri and said, with air quotes, "There is such love in the world, yet my heart is yet-"

"-I get it.'

"Your beauty is unmatched, and one day you will make the most beautiful bride-"

"Claude," Dimitri hissed. He could feel his cheeks begin to warm.

Of course, Claude continued, his grin spreading as Dimitri shifted uncomfortably. "My heart is heavy at the prospect of you no longer being at my side, and your smile will-"

"Enough!" Dimitri stood quickly and his booming voice drowned out the sound of the chair hitting the floor.

"Colleen!" A girl's voice came from the hallway.

"Oooo, you did it now!" Claude clasped his hands behind his head and looked at the door with far too much amusement.

Dimitri stared at the door with trepidation, debating the merits of crawling out Claude's window. He could hear the clicking of multiple pairs of heels, his time was quickly running out. Returning his voice to a whisper, he turned to Claude and asked, "What do I do?"

"Be blunt and tell her you are not interested."

"I… can you do it for me?" Even facing certain doom, he didn't know how to break up with the poor girl without making it worse. Again.

Claude rolled his eyes. "Riiight, because that will work."

There was a sharp knock at the door, followed by a croon of, "Dimiiiitri! Are you in there?"

"Colleen, it may have been this one instead!"

Dimitri backed away from the door and again wondered if he could fit through the window. He looked helplessly to Claude. He had no experience in such matters, certainly Claude had an idea.

"Do you trust me?" Claude stood from the bed and stared into his eyes. "I have half an idea, but I need you to-"

"Yes. Whatever your scheme is, yes." Dimitri may regret it later, but in the moment his only option was to trust Claude and deal with the consequences later. It couldn't be worse than entertaining the vapid noble girl one more time.

Claude stared into Dimitri's eyes a moment more, his green eyes more serious than Dimitri had ever seen this close. Before he could contemplate Claude further, the look shifted, once again full of mirth.

"Quietly unlock the door." Claude nodded to the door and crossed his arms.

"I-" Dimitri swallowed and did as he was asked. Quietly, he stepped over the overturned chair and flicked the lock. He braced for the next step, it wouldn't surprise him if Claude shouted his location as revenge for all of this. He needed to stop spending so much time with Sylvain.

When he looked back, Claude wordlessly motioned him back to him with the wave of a single finger. Once again, Dimitri stepped over the chair and stood in front of Claude, intently listening to the commotion in the hallway.

Nothing happened for a few breaths, and just a Dimitri was about to ask what the plan was, Claude took half a step towards him.

"Oh! Dimitri!" Claude projected his voice, not taking his eyes off Dimitri.

Well, maybe he shouldn't have expected more from Claude. His initial assessment was correct after all. He sighed, resigned to his fate.

The click of heels returned, and as they approached the door Claude reached for the front of Dimitri's shirt and slowly tugged at him as he took a step backwards. The movement was unexpected and Dimitri stumbled forward, tripping over Claude, and sending them falling to Claude's bed.

Dimitri caught his knee on the edge of the mattress as Claude landed on his elbows.

"Claude? Wha-"

The creak of the door handle turning cut him off. As the door opened, Claude reached back up with one hand and pulled Dimitri closer, and closer, until they were breathing the same air. Everything else faded, all that existed was Claude; his breath smelled faintly of chamomile, and this close Dimitri could count the faint freckles under his eyes.

"Dimit- ah!" Colleen's screech broke the spell Claude cast over him.

Dimitri pushed himself away from Claude and looked towards the door in time to see Colleen running out.

"Uh…" Dimitri said to the empty doorway. He looked down to Claude, "What just happened?"

Claude dropped his hand from where he still held Dimitri, letting it fall to his side. "I wasn't expecting her to run so soon. The plan was to make her think we're together- but she didn't stay for me to tell her that. Hopefully she understood."

He didn't want to end up in another relationship just to get out of the first one. That was a terrible plan, and he was about to tell Claude as such when the boy in question began to laugh. Dimitri became abruptly aware of how close they still were as Claude's body shook with laughter.

Dimitri stood as quickly as his trembling legs permitted.

"I'm sorry, but your face!" Claude smirked up at him, still laying on the bed. "I didn't mean date for real," he added with a whisper, mindful of the open door.

"Oh, I see…" Dimitri did not see.

"It's a farce. A lie. And once she leaves you alone we don't need to pretend anymore."

"She saw… us. In that compromising position. I am free then? Thank you." Dimitri slowly pieced his words together.

Claude hummed and finally sat up. "It may not be that simple. Be prepared in case she doubles down tomorrow."

Dimitri nodded and cleared his throat. His eyes trailed towards Claude's lips briefly before he turned to pick up the fallen chair. "Hopefully I will not require more assistance. Thank you for your efforts, this farce was not something I would have considered."

With a shrug, Claude stood. "Always happy to help. Good luck with-" They both froze as the sound of heels returned.

Dimitri turned to Claude, eyes wide, unsure what to do. His hope of being done with Colleen dashed with the click of a heel.

"Still trust me?"

Dimitri nodded.

"I'm going to kiss you." Claude stepped up to Dimitri and gently placed a hand on his cheek. As the girls stepped into the doorway, he leaned up to press his lips to Dimitri's.

In the few seconds he had to contemplate kissing Claude, Dimitri imagined it would be rough, quick- awkward. It was none of them, and he found himself leaning into the kiss, moving his lips against Claude's like his very soul depended on them never separating. He thought he finally understood Sylvain a little, the desire to experience this everyday, to have someone so close, so intimate, to feel wanted-

But it wasn't real. Claude wasn't kissing him because he wanted Dimitri, he was doing it as a friend, as a favor. Not because he actually desired him in such a way.

"By the Goddess! It is true!" Hilda's sweet voice broke through the moment.

Claude dropped his hand and turned to the door, breaking the kiss. Dimitri could feel the lingering heat on his cheek from Claude's calloused hand, and he let his eyes dart to his lips before reality caught up with him and he looked towards their audience.

In the open doorway stood three of their classmates. Hilda was in the middle, looking like she was solving an advanced math problem. To her right was Caspar, who was more focused on Hilda than Claude and Dimitri. And to her left was Sylvain who was sporting black eye and looking between the two of them with a widening smile.

Sylvain reached around Hilda and closed the door with a wink and an amused, "Have fun, you two!"

Dimitri stared at the door as he listened to them walk away. "Should we tell them?"

"Tell them what?"

"That it isn't what they think? Because otherwise this lie will spread around the whole school."

"Oh, Dimitri. It already has. If Colleen hasn't ran all the way through the monastery by now I'd be surprised." He looked everywhere but Dimitri.

"If we tell them the truth, then she'll find out… and I'll be right back to square one." Dimitri frowned and began to pace.

"I don't mind keeping the charade up. It will keep Hilda off my back about dating someone, too. We'd both be free of the burden of that aspect of social expectations."

"That-" Dimitri's eyes darted to Claude's lips.

"No pressure, man. Wouldn't want His Highness to be uncomfortable, afterall."

Dimitri couldn’t think of a good reason not to go along with Claude's plan. He was sure the consequences would find him, they always did, but he found he didn't care what they were.

He nodded, then realized Claude turned to look out the window while he was thinking. "Yes, I believe this could be mutually beneficial."

Claude dropped back to his bed and picked up the book he tossed aside when Dimitri barged into his room. "Great. Hang out in here for a while to sell it. Want to borrow a book?"

Dimitri settled next to Claude on the bed, "If we are to actually… do this, we should get our story together. I am sure we will be inundated with questions tomorrow."

Claude shut his book. "And he I was worried you wouldn't take this seriously. Alright, let's plan."

Thanks for reading!

#dimiclaude #pem writes #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #claude von riegan #ask request

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blushing-starker · 4 years

Text

Having a boyfriend that's a natural rule breaker becomes even more tedious because now it's two people conspiring together, itching to shatter social norms. Sure, they won't pull the fire alarm stunt to get out of a quiz (that's more Rocket and Groot's style), place mirrors on front steps to confuse Fury and nearly give the principal a heart attack (Loki with an exasperated Thor and cackling Hela) or hire a mariachi band to follow hall monitor Alexander Pierce (Steve had joined Bucky and Sam in that one); they'd never sneak into the air vents, fill them with glitter so the haughty board of directors would be covered in pink sparkles when they cranked the ac (Clint and Nat).

Ok, they did help with that last one, buying the shimmering stuff from T'Challa's sister and slipping five jars into Clint's backpack, but they didn't actually go into the vents.

But that's not the point. The point is there are limits to their rule breaking; Tony's spot on the football team and Peter's participation in the art club too important to risk on something as silly as skipping a quiz. No, they thanked their best friends, unhooked the window lock and slithered out only after finishing and handing in the quiz. They weren't amateurs.

Still, Peter knows Tony literally couldn't have chosen a worse time for their impromptu lunch date. (Luckily, he'd expected this exact situation.)

"Tony, they don't even have bad food today. We could just wait until the bell rang to meet up and eat at the bleachers. Like we always do a day before a big game."

His boyfriend swivels around, hooks nimble fingers into his belt loops to pull Peter closer, never once stumbling even while walking backwards. The grin he shows is manic, just this side of wild to let Peter know this isn't about haunting nightmares and bouts of anxiety. This is normal, too high on a feeling Tony Stark. Which means he won't head back to school unless Peter pulls out all the stops...

He's too exhausted from last night's art project to use up energy on the puppy eyes. So he sighs, tugs on the blue varsity jacket Tony loves to show off, kisses a dimple before turning this untamed creature around.

"Come on, I found a new route to that shawarma place with MJ and Ned last week." It sounds exasperated, but Tony knows Peter will do anything to keep him happy. Well. Not anything. There's only so many times they can discuss Star Wars before simply agreeing to disagree on whether Han and Luke are pan or bi.

"What, and you tell me this now?", Tony squawks indignantly from Peter's left side, freezing nose nuzzling into Peter's neck as revenge.

Like a robber caught sneaking into a vault, he raises his hands instantly before shoving Tony away.

"Hey, you were focusing on practice! If I told you, you'd bring Rhodey, he'd bring T'Challa and then Shuri would pop up and who goes where she goes? Bucky, which means Steve and Sam, who'd already be there thanks to Rhodey and of course Clint would somehow appear with Nat. We'd be together so Ned and MJ are gonna be teasing with Betty and half the guys in our grade have a crush on Nat, or MJ or Shuri or Betty or you. So what's the end result? The entire football, soccer, basketball and swim team eating shawarma a week before the games. I am not hearing Coach Coulson scold me for you guys breaking diet again. I'm already on his list, another situation like that and I'll have to run fifteen laps around the field."

"Oh come on, you can do those in your sleep." He could, but again, not the point.

"With a weighted backpack, Tony."

"Yeah, I can see why you wouldn't want that."

"Before cycling fifteen laps and then swimming fifteen laps."

"Jesus, why would he even do that?" Tony looks at him then, disgruntled at the thought of his boyfriend doing all that.

He shrugs, doesn't want to explain Peter had done it once when it all got too much and he'd needed to release the pent up energy. He hadn't noticed Coach watching him, ready to come help if he hurt himself. They'd talk afterwards, Coulson making him promise to never do that alone. Now it became a reward and a punishment. Peter won the art contest? Fifteen everything to focus his mind and not go jumping off walls in his excitement.

His students wolfing down a thousand calories before a game? Fifteen everything so Peter would at least "time it so it's not during the season, Jesus". To be fair to Peter, Tony participated in almost all the sports teams so scheduling was hard.

"Listen, just don't eat a whole animal, ok? We can split it, eat enough," he glares at Tony, pushing through even as the puppy eyes come out, "and then head to the movies. They're showing Aliens for a few days cuz of Halloween and I already texted the guys to come during lunch."

His boyfriend, smart and sharp and witty, just blinks at him. "But we have class after lunch."

"Technically, but I convinced Mr Pym to let the class out of lab so we could all hang out. It's the one class we share so now the whole group can see it together."

Tony stops, eyes wide and mouth open.

"You, what, planned this?"

"Yeah, something fun before tomorrow to take it off your mind for a while. Or, you know, not make it stand out as much. I know how focused you get, and it's really great, having that as a goal, strategizing and taking it seriously. But I also know it can be a lot, so I thought we should all hang out since each of us has something coming up and we aren't spending much time together. Which I get, responsibilities and family and school; I just missed it and I can't be the only one, right? So yeah, this was planned. Like, two weeks ago. When MJ found the new route, it was like a sign. And I really want you to relax and enjoy the whole, I have friends that care for me and a boyfriend that loves-"

He slaps a hand on his mouth, eyes impossibly wide and cheeks flaming. Tony and Peter stand immobile, the world reduced to beat up sneakers breaking the simplicity of yellow lines on black, a flickering neon sign telling them the shawarma place is open and two hearts slowly starting to beat again after that confession.

Ned would say it's romantic. MJ would bluntly remind them it's a bad idea to stand in the middle of the road even if they're saying I love you. And with good reason, since there's the telltale roar of a car bursting with teenagers, voices howling out the lyrics to an AC/DC song. And of course Peter notices the noise of rubber swerving against gravel, the screeching of old brakes and a few terrified shrieks harmonizing with a sharp wind blasting into him out of nowhere. Before he can react, Tony is there, wrapping his arms around Peter and shoving them both into the little patch of grass that grows from a crack in dirty pavement.

There's a moment where his whole world flips, tumbles until he screws his eyes shut and prepare himself for whatever the fuck caused that noise. But nothing comes. Only a sigh blowing a stray curl away from his forehead. But a sigh? Why would?

Tony.

He gasps, jolts upright and apologizes when that just serves to jostle his boyfriend further into the ground. His boyfriend who'd flip them so Peter wouldn't be hurt. Tony is peering at him through half shut eyes, discomfort clear on the grimace he tried to transform into a sheepish grin.

"So, you love me, huh?"

It's the stupidest thing Tony Stark has ever said.

"What the fuck were you thinking? You could have gotten hurt, you could have shattered a wrist, dislocated a shoulder, torn an ACL, bent a leg-"

"This is not what I expected. Also it was a three foot leap forward on grass, I'm fine, Peter."

"Or bashed your head, or busted an arm and then what would you do for the game tomorrow? Who the hell does that?"

"The guy you love, apparently."

"That's not the point, Tony, that's unimportant because you nearly got hurt. Christ, Coulson will slaughter me if there's a scratch on you, and then your mom would be sad and I'd be sad because, what would I do without you? And don't you ever do that again, I can't take it. I am not losing you, Tony. God, why would you do that, risk so much on-"

"On you? Babe, I'd do it again. Ok, not the right thing to say based on the whole face thing you got going on right now. But just hear me out. Don't, stop hitting me, ow, why are you hitting, how are you this strong, Jesus. Ow, stop it. Peter, for fuck's sakes, I love you, you animal. Now please let go of the jacket, it'll get wrinkles."

His hands unclasp the soft cotton, Tony falling back with a groan and Peter's unhinged jaw snapping shut after fifteen seconds of letting the flies in.

It's a wonderful thing, hearing the guy he's loved for so long say it back, say he loves Peter.

It's also fucking stupid since there's even more reason to not do stunts like that.

"You're an idiot. I'm in love with a guy that has one shared brain cell with Steve. You could have been hurt, Tony. And what would that have done, huh?"

His boyfriend sighs yet again, wraps an arm around Peter to push them from the ground and heads to the car where their friends are gawking. He waves them off, offers a "Yeah, I know I'm amazing, no, I didn't break anything, T'challa, yes, I can play, Jesus, Rogers, I can read you like a book. I appreciate the worry, Bruce; Nat, thanks for calming him down. Rhodes, excellent driving. No need to hog the seats, Sam, we need to settle in. Peter, you can keep cursing me out if you, yeah, see how it's nice being fun size when you fit in my lap in a car full of people. What, I'm not walking after that, I don't care if it's til we reach the parking. Let's go, Rhodes. Pepper, I'm fine. "

Clint offers a high five. Tony responds and that's that. Out of sight, Ned gives him a fist bump and MJ keeps on reading her book. It could just be his imagination, but Tony's sure she's smiling, approval clear on her face. He preens, glad to have her blessing, and settles his head on Peter's fluffy hair.

-----

When they're all laughing in a booth, smashed together and picking food off of everyone's plate, Peter nuzzles the crook of his neck, holds his hand and squeezes it. Tony smiles, lights up and shoves at Sam's face when the trio of best friends tease him for puffing his chest out when his boyfriend ever so softly says, "I love you."

"I love you, too." The table whoops and calls for another round of food and Coca-Cola, their family grinning at them and fondly teasing the new couple. Tony grins back, high on this feeling of warmth and happiness and safety and love.

And then Peter presses ice cold lips onto his neck and he lets out a shout, pain coursing through him when a knee slams into the table. His eyes water and through the haze of agony he sees their friends exchanging cash, some grumbling and others smirking. Rhodey and MJ, he notes, are the ones that win the most. They high five before pocketing the cash and ordering dessert.

Peter kisses his cheek, smile innocent and eyes wicked. It's his own fault Tony snatches an ice cube and slips it below his Nirvana shirt. He only has five seconds to lord his victory over Peter before there's ice cream being smeared on his cheek. They battle then, accidentally sending food into Wanda's lap, Clint's hair and Bucky's face.

In less than a minute they are all covered in shawarma and participating in the fight. Peter shrieks when Tony pulls him into his lap, gets chicken on the varsity jacket and tries to wriggle away. But Tony kisses him, tastes ice cream and joy, thanks whoever decided to give him a break and find this incredible person dozing on the roof of the school with Ned and MJ one spring afternoon. Peter kisses back and, at the same time, they say, confidently, honestly,

"I love you."

This is dedicated to @drarryismyshit07

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cosmicjoke · 3 years

Text

Okay, onto chapter 6 of “No Regrets”!

So the first thing I want to jump into here is, once again, something which the manga vastly improved on over the visual novel, and that was the scene following the flashback to Levi and his friends learning about the long-distance scouting formation before the expedition, and then Flagon’s instructions to them in the present. I don’t think this scene was even included in the visual novel, but it’s indispensable in understanding Levi’s mindset going into the fateful final act.

Isabel gets carried away by Flagon’s speech, and ends up saluting, expressing genuine enthusiasm for the SC’s cause, before realizing what she’s done and turning around, seeing Levi and Furlan looking back at her in silence. Furlan looks unimpressed, while Levi wears his usual stoic expression. You can’t tell one way or the other what he’s thinking, which is why the next scene is so hugely important, because we get a look into his inner thoughts.

I saw another person say not long ago that in this scene, Isabel expresses a desire to join the SC, and Levi blows her off and ignores her, only thinking about his revenge on Erwin, and to that person, I would like to ask ‘What scene were you reading?’, because that’s pretty much the opposite of what happens here. This scene reveals so much about Levi’s own, inner conflict, and how he’s beginning HIMSELF to understand and even sympathize with the cause of the SC, and the soldiers who have dedicated themselves to it. Let’s dissect it here a bit.

The scene takes place at night, before they ride out again, and Levi is sitting up with Furlan and Isabel, and he’s thinking quietly to himself. The first thing he’s recalling in his contemplation here is Sairam’s words, asking Levi if he knows how many elite soldiers have been eaten by Titans. This plainly shows Levi’s growing concern for Furlan and Isabel. The longer they spend outside the walls, the higher the risk of something going wrong, and that’s a worry that’s heavy on Levi’s mind here.

He then remembers, in quick succession, all these various interactions and the words of different people throughout his short time up here on the surface. He recalls Sairam hurling insults at him and his friends, calling them punks, and then Hange’s opposite words of encouragement and appreciation, telling them they’ve given everyone hope. He recalls Furlan’s words, telling Levi that with him there, they’ll really be able to raise hell, and then Isabel’s words, pointing out that the SC soldiers really believe their cause is worth dying for. Finally, Levi recalls Flagon’s degrading words, about how Levi and his friends have spent their whole lives in a trash heap, implying they’ll never amount to anything more than garbage, and last, he recalls Erwin’s words, how he’d seen the desire to kill in Levi during their first encounter.

All of this is hugely important to understanding Levi’s psychology, I think, and understanding his feelings of conflict and confusion, and how it ultimately plays into him making the choice he does. For Sairam’s and Flagon’s words, it’s the assumption people have made about Levi all his life, that he’s nothing but a worthless criminal who can’t do anything good for anyone, and Levi’s struggle to overcome that perception that people have of him. In contrast to that, Hange’s words are sending Levi the opposite message, that he isn’t just a worthless criminal, but someone who can actually contribute something positive and important to other people’s lives. He’s someone who can inspire hope. Something Levi’s always secretly wished he could do. And then there’s Furlan’s words, serving as a confirmation to Hange’s, in which he expresses his reliance on Levi to help make his own dreams come true, and Levi seeing himself in that role, of taking care of these two people whom he loves. And there’s Isabel’s words, a clear admiration and astonishment at the realization that these soldiers really believe in a cause bigger than themselves.

We see all of Levi’s greater hopes, his desire and wish to help other people, coming into conflict here with the way he’s been treated all his life by others, as a worthless, good for nothing criminal, and how that treatment has forced him to become the very thing they accuse him of being, someone ready and willing to kill, someone ready to commit crimes, etc… It’s Levi’s pride and anger battling with his deeper desire to protect and help others. The thing his life and his environment has FORCED him to become, against his truer nature. This is such a vital, important scene, and once again, the manga succeeds in explaining and revealing Levi’s complexity as a character, whereas the visual novel just flat out butchered it.

Now getting back to Levi’s interaction with Isabel in this scene, and the woeful misinterpretation I saw another person make one time.

Furlan is talking about how, given the complexity of the formation, they won’t be able to break ranks without being spotted, and he suggests they should just wait until they’re back behind the walls before trying to steal the documents again. Levi points out that if all three of them leave, then yeah, they’ll likely be spotted, and gives no further opinion. Already, Levi is thinking that maybe he could go after Erwin and the documents alone, thinking of taking the entire burden of the operation on himself, carrying the hopes and dreams of all of them on his shoulders alone, (which is why he later calls himself conceited and proud, having relied on his own strength entirely, instead of his friends too, ending in failure, which in turn goes back to the very beginning, with Levi’s statement about never knowing what the better option is, to rely on oneself, or on their comrades). But anyway, he doesn’t protest or try to counter Furlan when he says they should just focus on getting back alive. Isabel expresses agreement, and then says she knows the documents are important, but she also doesn’t want to get in the way of the SC and what they’re trying to do. Now here’s where the conversation gets really important in, once more, understanding Levi’s psychology.

He and Furlan look over at her, and while Levi stays silent, Furlan gets annoyed, chastising Isabel for seeming to suddenly care about the other soldiers, accusing her of only caring because Hange’s cookies were good. Furlan clearly doesn’t understand Isabel’s sentiments here, he doesn’t get why she suddenly seems concerned. He’s still focused on their own goals, and that’s all that matters to him. But Isabel begins to explain that it’s just that she’s starting to understand why the SC goes out beyond the walls, and likens it to how they felt living in the Underground, wanting to escape to the world above. She’s saying she understands that sense of being trapped, of being imprisoned, and the longing for freedom. And then she talks about seeing lots of her friends dying underground, while dreaming of making it “up there.”, and how seeing that made her feel like she HAD to get up there. It’s like Isabel is saying here that her dream to make it to the surface was strengthened by the dreams of others who never got to realize it for themselves, and that she wanted to make it to the surface, more than anything, as a way of giving the dreams of those who had died without realizing them, meaning. By making it to the surface FOR THEM. She starts to try and explain what she means, saying ‘It’s…” before Levi suddenly speaks for the first time since her monologue, saying “It’s like leaving the walls behind to kill the Titans…”

This is such a huge moment. Because contrary to what I saw this one person claim once, Levi is acknowledging Isabel’s feelings, and expressing empathy with them. He’s telling Isabel here that he understands what she means, because he feels it too. This desire to fight for freedom as a way to give meaning to the suffering of those who couldn’t escape their imprisonment. Levi, rather than ignoring or blowing Isabel off here, is relating to her. Her feelings are his own. Isabel smiles dreamily and says “Yeah.” Because Levi put her thoughts into words. She then keeps talking to Levi, starting to ramble about what she wants to do when they get to live in the Capital, how fun she thinks it would be to steal from all the “rich pigs” and use their money to buy useless junk, before she falls asleep.

Furlan then kind of bursts this bubble of reverie that Isabel and Levi have fallen into, and what he says here is, again, so important. He says “I’ve got to revise our plan. We’ll need to steal the documents before you and she start seriously talking about dedicating your hearts, or whatever.” Furlan’s perceived how Levi’s own feelings are beginning to match up with Isabel’s, how he’s starting to feel drawn to and sympathetic towards the SC’s cause, and he’s worried, because that’s not what they’re supposed to be there for. They’re supposed to be there to steal the documents so they can get a chance to live in the Capital. This is Furlan’s dream, ultimately, and he doesn’t want to lose sight of it to some unrealistic ideal. What’s so interesting here is the contrast between Levi and Furlan. While Levi is so quiet and reserved and hard to read, he’s actually showing himself to be more of the dreamer of the two, while Furlan is much more practical and less prone to fanciful, ideal notions like helping people beyond their own means.

We get one last shot of Levi gazing at Isable, thoughtfully. He’s still thinking about her words.

Alright, then comes the next big scene, with all of them outside again, to try Erwin’s new formation. We see, again, Levi’s gradually shifting opinion of Erwin already, when he remarks that Erwin’s idea is “brilliant”, once he sees how it works, expressing genuine admiration for it and Erwin’s mind. Levi still hates Erwin, and want to kill him, but we already see this desire in him starting to crack and come apart, replaced by an almost astonished curiosity instead. Like he isn’t sure what Erwin is, but he’s impressed, in spite of himself.

Then the storm comes and everything starts to fall apart.

Another, massive and vital change here in the manga from the visual novel is Levi’s reaction to the sudden storm. In the visual novel, Levi’s first and only response to it is that he can use it as cover to go after and kill Erwin, sparing no thought to the safety of his friends, or the other people in his squad. It was another instance in which I thought Levi’s characterization in the novel was just horribly butchered, and so once again, I was so glad to see them correct it here. Levi’s first response, after he, Furlan and Isabel start to lose contact with Flagon and the others, is to scream at his friends to not get separated. He's only worried about them in this moment, and wants to make sure they don’t lose contact with each other. He isn’t thinking at all about leaving them here yet. Just this small addition completely changes Levi’s motivations and priorities, leading into the fateful choice, and it’s immeasurably better characterization for him then what was presented in the visual novel. I’ll get more into it with the next chapter. So until then, thanks again for reading.

#attack on titan #No Regrets #shingeki no kyojin #Levi Ackerman #Furlan Church #isabel magnolia #Erwin Smith #snk analysis

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goodbyekillingharmony · 3 years

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My own interpretation of Qrow's character in V8

also, before we get really into this, of course, there will be spoilers. don’t say i didn’t warn you. also, probably don’t take this too seriously? i wrote this at like 3 in the morning last night and wanted to rework it into something more proper. i tried to make it flow more properly and fuck this may not even make any sense, so bare with me. this is mostly a headcanon i have to get myself through the travesty that is volume 8 and it did make it more enjoyable for me, so i guess that is a plus.

alright, i think i have bored you enough with the unnecessary parts, here we go boys. also, one final thing, this isn’t supposed to undermine shit like part 8 or f//r g//me, or anything of the sort, this was just made as a fun little headcanon that got serious real quick. okay, actually starting now.

I think most RWBY fans have noticed a sudden shift in behavior in Qrow. I don’t really know what the consensus is for this since I hardly, if ever, interact with this fandom, however, for me, until yesterday, it had bothered me heavily. I am a fairly harsh critic when it comes to the writing on the show, purely due to the fact I want to become a writer myself, so I tend to be overly analytical, which can lead to me finding flaws more easily. Nevertheless, even with my mostly neutral feelings regarding Volume 8 right now for various reasons, I persisted. It wasn’t until last night when I really started thinking about this, putting my more critical self aside, and started to look at the bigger picture. Then, an idea had popped into my mind.

Based on someone who has severe trust issues and immense paranoia, I had finally understood, well, at least, theoretically. What if the reason that Qrow is so hostile and, honestly, unreasonable this volume is because he suspected something like this. He suspected Ironwood to do something akin to this. Obviously, not to this severe of a degree, but he felt that like, sooner or later, that this would happen.

What do I mean by this? Well, me and a good friend of mine (@graegrape hi) had gone traversing the RWBY Wikia and found something that honestly kick started the entire thing.

“ General Ironwood shows concern over Qrow's warning in his conversation with Ozpin in "Welcome to Beacon", which prompted him to bring his fleet to Vale in hopes of preventing conflict in the Vytal Festival. However, this action only served to infuriate Qrow. ’’

Naturally, this had caught my eye. So, we went digging for some screencaps.

When Qrow informed Ironwood and Co. about finding some of Salem's forces, Ironwood had deployed, essentially, his entire fleet, and Qrow was absolutely angered by this; how the hell could he have messed it up so badly?

However, at least in this point in time during Volume 3, Qrow doesn’t completely distrust Ironwood.

“ Qrow has commented that he wonders if Ironwood has a heart. Nonetheless, Qrow saves Ironwood from a Griffon in "Heroes and Monsters", knowing the general is innocent of the carnage caused by his automated forces. He shows his respect and loyalty by asking Ironwood for suggestions regarding their plan of action to deal with the invading Grimm, showing that while he may not respect his methods, Qrow does not completely hate him or view him as a threat. ‘’

What was the point of this part of the post, OP? Well, I am happy you asked. I wanted to show just exactly what their dynamic was back in those volumes, almost as a refresher. There is some amount of trust and respect, and there is some amount of comradery there, however, something underlying is starting to brew, specifically Qrow’s reaction to Ironwood’s course of action. My own interpretation of this part? This gave Qrow a proper look at how extreme Ironwood could get, letting it settle in his own mind for a while, making the seed of doubt of Ironwood’s self-destructive behavior plant itself.

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The next part of this post will be way more hypothetical. While I will try to provide evidence, this is creeping into more headcanon-ish territory. You have been warned lol.

Well, that’s all of the Volume 2 - 3 stuff out of the way, time to move onto the elephant in the room. Alright, so Volume 7, a favorite for many and I am no exception.

However, even when I have rewatched the Volume at least 3 times at this point, there was a certain scene that had always stuck out to me, and that is relevant to the post at hand, so might as well get it out of the way. I’m sure we all know what I’m talking about here.

The hug.

So, when the hug happened, for Qrow, at least in my own interpretation, it felt like his entire world got shattered.

Ironwood had actually missed him; actually taking the time to tell him that he cared. You could see Qrow wasn’t as tense anymore, actually letting his guard down in front of someone that wasn’t his family. In my opinion, specifally with this frame,

Qrow had started to reflect. To reflect on not only their own relationship, but on himself as well. He, possibly, had his own seed of doubt regarding Ironwood slowly starting to disappear. Something akin to, “Maybe he does have a heart.” or whatever.

And then, Ironwood, of all people, had betrayed him. It had happened again.

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Suddenly, he was given a reason, at least in his mind, to justify his distrust of others, but of Ironwood especially. He was right in his mind. “Sooner or later, someone close to me would do this. And to imagine it being to such a severe situation too. He did it again.” Qrow was probably devastated. I’m not denying that he wasn’t sad about Clover, he clearly was and I am not going to deny that fact. However, that being his only reason does not sit well with me. His colleague, one of the remaining people in Ozpin’s group, had done this, after he had promised to ensure his safety, planting a false hope within him. Now, he was thrown away like a rag by one of the only remaining members of Ozpin's circle he could get into proper contact with.

Qrow’s sadness turning into anger is literally perfectly in character to him, so it would make complete sense, trying to deflect everything, because he, himself, wants to be right in his own mind; it was a long time coming, it only happened now.

He’s deflecting a lot of the things, pushing it in the back of his mind. He's scared. He has to be alone again. Just when he thought he was finally safe to trust people again, to seek comfort in someone like Clover, the first person he was willing to spill his heart out to, as well; he lost him. So, he uses everything he can to stop his mind from thinking about it. Anger, sadness, blissful ignorance; whatever he can do to ignore it, because he gave up drinking, so he can't use that for coping anymore.

The reason why he’s reacting so extremely is, in my opinion,is not just due to “Oh, well, I saw this coming.”, but also that he is going through withdrawl. He has to do cope using other methods, since he can’t use his former one anymore. He has to feel the full brunt of his own emotions, he can’t numb them down anymore, and to himself, he can’t justify his own feelings. In his mind, the best course of action is to redirect those extremes onto someone else.

It is quite possibly that Qrow had noticed Ironwood’s sudden shift in behavior, making him reflect on himself, too. He sees that Ironwood is walking down the same path that he himself was going down many years ago, but he can’t do anything. He thinks that Ironwood wouldn’t listen to him, considering what happened back in the Vytal festival. Ironwood did not back down in the slightest back then, so why would he now? That type of mentality. He doesn’t bother with it.

(This next part was written by my good friend and honestly? Great food for thought.)

Qrow’s former emotions mirror those of Ironwood’s current ones. Qrow, back in the earlier volumes, had used alcohol to help ease his mind and block out things he didn’t want to think about. And now, current Ironwood, is only focusing on what’s directly in front of him and blocking out the entirety of Mantle.

In essense, Ironwood had become exactly what he hated about Qrow.

(I rewrote it a bit, but the main idea was all them. Thank you so much for this.)

He is deliberately using everything he can to not think about Ironwood, due to the fact that he can easily become irrational when he does, and he does need Robyn as an ally, so he buries it all down, possibly being self-aware about his own behavoir, but not know how to deal with it.

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Well, that sure was long. There could be things I forgot to mention, and I’m not even sure if this is well structured or not, since I’m not used to writing essays, at least, not to this caliber, but I hoped it, at least, made you possibly think about Qrow in a more intiment sense. Qrow’s and Ironwood’s relationship had always been the most facsinating one in the entire show, so seeing it being thrown to the side did sting a bit. But, I hope that there was a good reason for it. I am still looking forward to what V8 has in store, especially with the heavily implied fight, I just hope it’s something more than just Qrow getting revenge for Clover. C’mon, CRWBY! I know you can do better.

If you made it this far, thank you. And please understand I made this out of pure love for the show. I have been a fan for a while now and I only want what’s best for the show. I promise this isn’t just me being a salty Ironqrow shipper lmao Anyway, let’s hope this volume turns out great.

#rwby #rwby volume 8 #rwby spoilers #qrow branwen #james ironwood #ironqrow #?? ish??#sorry if this is bad lol

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the-girl-in-the-box · 3 years

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Ghost Queen I

A/N: So, this was originally going to be just one part, but it got a bit long and I decided it was enough as it was, and to release a second part after! The next part will be up once I finish it, since this was just a little idea I’d gotten stuck in my head XD Please enjoy, and let me know if you’d like to be tagged in part 2!

Pairings: Ivar x Freydis, Ivar x Katia

Word Count: 2,943

Summary: Ivar believed he killed Freydis in Kattegat, but fate seemed to have other plans for the Viking King and his wife. She survived, and sought refuge far in the North, where she is captured by the Kievian Rus, and offered sanctuary and a new identity- in exchange for information, and the marriage of a Norse Queen to Prince Oleg. (AU where Freydis really is Katia)

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, implications of sex

Masterlist

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Ivar the Boneless was the most dangerous man in the world. One woman in particular knew the danger he presented at any given time, especially considering the betrayal she had suffered at his hand. He had hit her, choked her, and eventually attempted to strangle her, intending to end her life- all because she had asked him what he had done with their baby, little Baldur.

Or, at least, that was how Freydis told the story. Ivar had never once hurt her, not until she demanded the truth of the child’s disappearance from him, begged him to tell her where he was. She had believed, would Ivar simply tell her the truth, she could go and find the boy. But Ivar had held his tongue, and refused to give her any hope of seeing her son again. When Baldur was found by hunters the next day, in a fox’s den, she could only pray that he’d been gone already, and not had to endure the pain of the fox tearing through-

The thought broke her heart, and she rarely finished it.

With that discovery, and that confirmation that their son was dead, Freydis had again confronted Ivar. This time, he had choked her, and the warning was clear. She was not to bring this up again, or the consequences would be far more severe. So, she didn’t.

Queen Freydis left Kattegat in the dark of night, and journeyed to the camp of Bjorn Ironisde, where he had been joined by his brother, Hvitserk. She told the two what had passed between herself and her husband, and she betrayed him that night, offering safe passage into Kattegat the next morning for the brothers and their armies.

Their conquest was successful, but Freydis wouldn’t get to see the new Kattegat under King Bjorn. Ivar confronted her in their Hall, demanding the truth of what she’d done, if she had let his brothers into the city. Unlike Ivar, she had decided she was through with the lies. She confessed everything about how she’d gone to Bjorn and Hvitserk, and opened the secret passage into Kattegat for them, even in the face of the greatest danger she’d ever been in. The Viking Queen was brave until what she thought would be the end of her life.

But then, something went… for once, not according to Ivar’s plans. Freydis did lose consciousness as he strangled her, but his brothers were coming, so he stopped and dragged her to the bed they’d shared, laying what he believed to be the woman’s corpse upon it, and fleeing before he could be found. In the stress of the moment, he had failed to notice the breath still in her lungs.

Freydis had regained consciousness before being discovered by Bjorn and Hvitserk, but when she heard the sound of footsteps, signaling the end of her time alone, her eyes slipped shut once more, and she focused on breathing as slowly as she could, remaining as still as she could, so as to keep them from realizing she lived. No, they were not Ivar- they weren’t even on his side- but she didn’t want to risk word getting back to him.

They left her for a time to handle some business of their own, and she slipped out as soon as she could. They’d know, likely, as soon as they came to bury her that either she wasn’t dead, and had escaped, or had been taken, but she had to take that risk, or risk being buried alive. (There was, of course, the option of confessing the truth to them, but being alive and wandering around Kattegat was a quick way to get word to Ivar of her survival.)

Freydis traveled north, beyond the borders of Norway, and up the Spice Road, unaware entirely that this was the same path Ivar himself had taken only a few hours prior. She moved more slowly than he did, though, even stopping at one point to allow her hair to be darkened by some strange solution offered to her at one of the stands along the way. She’d kept some, to keep her hair from lightening once more.

When she reached the borders of Kiev, she was stunned to find that they arrested her, and took her straight to the Prince Regent himself. She introduced herself, told him who she was and that she was seeking refuge, and the man had laughed.

How ironic it was, Freydis soon came to realize, that her husband, Ivar the Boneless had arrived and been received as first a prisoner, then a guest, just days prior. She figured it must have been a wise decision indeed to have her hair darkened.

Immediately, she’d been prepared to offer to leave in the dead of night, but then Prince Oleg had offered her something she hadn’t expected. They would disguise her as a Rus Princess, under the name Katia, and being that she was already royalty… she would marry him, and be protected from the wrath of Ivar the Boneless. In exchange, she would give Oleg all the information she could that would work toward his Scandinavian conquest, and that would help him keep the Boneless Viking on a leash.

The idea of helping Oleg take Scandinavia hadn’t sat well with Freydis- even if he did claim to be Viking himself- but a chance for revenge on Ivar…

She took the deal.

And so, Freydis truly disappeared that night, reinvented and reborn as Princess Katia. It didn’t escape her how Ivar looked at her the first time they ‘met’, but she didn’t let him know anything from how she responded to him. She greeted him politely and gently, like a raised royal would, and even when he cornered her and began to speak to her of how she had to be Freydis, she gave nothing away.

It became a game to her. Spending time with the Viking who didn’t know her identity, and so played at kindness and charisma with her, was her new favorite thing. For once, she had the upper hand over him- especially once she married Prince Oleg.

But the more ‘Katia’ interacted with Ivar, the less she believed he would kill her, even if he knew.

He spent more and more time with the boy, Prince Igor, who she as well had been tasked with taking as her nephew, thanks to her marriage. But the more she saw of him with Igor, the more she found herself mourning little Baldur. It created a strange sort of conflict within her. Not only did she mourn their child, but she also mourned- watching the pair- the family they could have had.

Perhaps that was why she began to spend more and more time with Ivar and Igor, enjoying the time as if it were still… peaceful times, and what had happened between herself and Ivar hadn’t happened. This, she thought, was what it might have felt like to have a son with him, to be his wife, and the mother of his child, had nothing ever gone so wrong.

It was good.

But then, Hvitserk arrived. Ivar had found him when they’d gone scouting in Norway, and they brought him back to Kiev. Before they had a chance to be introduced, Katia sought him out, pulling him to the side as quickly as she could.

He gasped, his eyes widening drastically at the sight of her. “Freydis?” he questioned, blinking.

The Princess shook her head, looking at him with a serious expression. “I am not Freydis here,” she said seriously. “I cannot be Freydis anymore. I am Katia, and Ivar believes I am Katia. He tried to kill me in Kattegat, if he learns who I am now, he will try again. You cannot tell him, Hvitserk. I know you to be a good man. Don’t turn me over to him.”

Hvitserk had been stunned by her soft plea, but he nodded anyway, taking in the information that his brother had attempted to kill the woman that had been at his side through everything, even if she ended up betraying him in the end.

“Why would Ivar kill you?” Hvitserk had questioned. “He was in love with you, more than I’d ever thought he could be with anyone. I would have thought you’d have been safe.”

“Not once he learned that I betrayed him, and let you and Bjorn into Kattegat,” she said, a bitter tone in her voice. “Apparently, that is not a crime he could forgive anyone for.”

Hvitserk nodded a little, and sighed. “I won’t tell him who you are, and if I can somehow help keep your identity safer than it is now, I will.”

This led to Hvitserk outright denying the resemblance between Katia and Freydis to Ivar’s face. And thus, the idea that she was Freydis became even more far fetched to even Ivar himself.

She began to really play with Ivar then. In the night, she no longer only dreamed of going to him as herself. But, she found and acquired a wig with the same shade of hair she’d once had, when it wasn’t being kept darkened the way it was, and she would put it on, and go to him, claiming to be Freydis. If not for Hvitserk’s insistence that he had seen Freydis dead, that Katia didn’t even look like her, she thought Ivar would have figured her out. They began their affair then, without Oleg realizing a thing, with her often going to find him in the night. The times when they would lay together, tired and relaxed, became one of her other favorite things. She had missed those times.

But something happened, when Katia spent so much time with Ivar. She learned more about him than she had even when they had been in Kattegat. He seemed gentler, for the time they spent together, less prone to cruelty. Sometimes, at night when she laid beside him in his arms, she dreamed of telling him who she really was. She had begun to wonder if he would take it better than she’d expected. And after all… Oleg was no one to her.

But Ivar, he had been her husband first. She had loved him first. She loved him still. Now, she loved the boy, Igor, with him. What could they have, if she would only tell him the truth of the situation? Could they be a family, just the three of them? Ivar could not have children, she knew that much, so what if this boy was a blessing to them, a way for them to have a child together, when he could not give her one himself?

Well, if not as Freydis, she supposed she could at least have this as Katia. Katia could have Ivar, and Igor, and a family with them.

But there was still the problem of Oleg. He wanted the throne of Kiev, of the Rus, and he was going to get it however he could, even by using Igor. When Ivar told her of their plan to overthrow Oleg, to free Igor from his grasp and power, she agreed to help immediately. Thus, they began the planning of something rather complicated. But as she expected from Ivar, it was also something truly brilliant. They managed to escape the city with Igor, right out from under Oleg’s nose, and once he was safe, they took the city from Oleg as well.

With Ivar’s guidance, Igor killed Oleg, and took his kingdom and his throne back for himself. She couldn’t have been prouder of how far they had come- how far they had come together.

After long enough of being with Ivar, being with him regularly, Katia had noticed something in her body. Most days, she fell ill at least once, if not more, and she began to feel her moods shift more frequently and more drastically than they had before. With not even a visit to any physician, she knew the truth- she was with child.

When she thought over the rumors regarding Ivar and his inability to have children- for she was certain this was not the child of Oleg- it occurred to her that she had only believed this due to his supposed… impotence. But that was a rumor they had happily dispelled together. Had they, without realizing, also dispelled this rumor with it?

She could think of no other explanation, but that this were true, and the revelation it brought on her made her smile slightly. She was carrying Ivar’s child.

Her smile faltered as she remembered Ivar’s plans. He was going to return to Kattegat. It wasn’t that she felt he would not welcome her at his side, nor that she did not want to be there, but she had watched Igor once Ivar had broken the news to him- the news that he would return to Kattegat. The boy was heartbroken. To lose her as well, at that time? She couldn’t do such a thing to him, however much she ached at the thought of never seeing Ivar again.

But Katia consoled herself with the thought that she couldn’t know for sure that she’d never see Ivar again, once he left Kiev. She and Igor could travel, could visit him in Kattegat, and what was to say Ivar would never travel to visit them in Kiev? This didn’t have to be the end, just because they were going their separate ways for the time being.

At the feast in Novgorod, Katia explained to Ivar that she had to remain in Kiev, that her family was there, and that someone had to stay and look after Igor. When she had asked his forgiveness for that decision, he had seemed confused as to why she would need it. The confusion only lasted until she confessed to him how she carried their child.

Before she had said she had to remain in Kiev, he had said that his plans would depend on her. And now, standing in front of him as he prepared to leave, she regretted encouraging him to go. Once again, she loved Ivar the Boneless. He had undergone so much change in Kiev, so much change that it pained her to lose him. This man before her was the sort of man she would want around to be a father to their child, to help her still with Igor, but no change could be made now to his plans. It was too late.

“You tell me you love me, Ivar, but you don’t,” she said, hoping to somehow ease this parting, to convince him of this lie- and perhaps herself of it, as well. “You loved your wife, Freydis, and in your mind you confuse me with her.” Ivar’s eyes lifted to look at her face, the same face he would have known since they first met in York. “But I am not her,” she lied with a smile. Katia wondered vaguely if he would find some way to see a difference in her face now, to find a way to believe her words had proof behind them. She had to be sure he didn’t try to insist on anything else, and so she drove the final nail into the coffin- regardless of how he had assured her otherwise countless times.

"I will only disappoint you when you realize it.” Her smile turned sad then, and she swallowed. “That is why you have to go.”

By now, she considered herself adept at reading the expressions in Ivar’s face, even as he tried to hide the heartbreak in his eyes by kissing her hand. His eyes lingered as he looked back into hers again, after she’d taken that one last chance to compose herself, and for a moment she believed he might kiss her once more.

But then, he would never leave. They both knew that well. So it was no surprise to her when he stepped past her, going to join his brother, Hvitserk, who shared a sad glance with her. He knew what the two were going through- he had gone through it himself when he left Thora in Kattegat. They’d never seen each other again, and really…

Katia somehow felt that this would be the last time she saw Ivar. Her eyes grew wet at the thought, and when she blinked, she found herself quickly wiping away a tear that had escaped and rolled down her cheek. Her heart was breaking.

It was the second time in her life Ivar had broken her heart. He’d been a violent man in his past. The fact he’d hit her once, and choked her another time, had actually come as no surprise to her. But then he had tried to kill her, and she had not expected that. She hadn’t expected he would try to kill her for what she had done. Hit her, perhaps choke her again, yes, but… He had told her countless times how much he loved her, and she could see it was true. She had expected punishment, but she hadn’t expected to pay with her life. Not at his hands.

And now, she had to watch as he was put on the back of a horse, and carried away toward Kattegat. As the horse walked out of the gates, and the gates closed behind him, he broke her heart again. Yes, she’d encouraged him to leave, said she had to stay, but… Ivar had always made his decisions himself. He had chosen this, just as much as she had pushed it this way. They were both at fault, and yet, he had surprised her again.

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detectivedreameater · 3 years

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Home For The Holidays || Erin and Marley

TIMING: Christmas Day PARTIES: @corpse--diem and @detectivedreameater SUMMARY: Erin and Marley celebrate Christmas together for the first time, and some things come to light. CONTENT: Alcohol, Kissing/Touching, Domestic Abuse mention

Over the past few weeks, Erin had been checking in on Marley regularly-- and she’d helped her get a scheduling journal set up, which meant Marley’s pile of sticky notes had been reduced to only one corner of the room. Although there were still a few random ones placed around, like over JD’s food bowl, in the bathroom, and in her bedroom, the place was much less of a mess of them now. And it was working fairly well. She hadn’t had another seizure or episode in almost a week, and that had to be improvement, right? It had to be. And that meant that things were going relatively well, she’d even been able to convince work to let her at least start working on cases on paper. Field work would be assessed later, but she didn't let herself think about that just yet, and how her...condition might affect that. She was trying that whole ‘“looking on the bright side” thing. Might as well give it a shot, right? She had nothing left to lose anymore. Well, except Erin.

Today was their scheduled weekly organizing day, where Erin would come over to help Marley plan out her week and set reminders. It was also Christmas. It was...oddly sweet that she wanted to do this for Marley, and Marley was still trying to get used to the idea of letting someone help take care of her. It felt almost sad having to depend so much on one person, but after their fight, the realization that she needed this or she was going to spiral was one she couldn’t ignore any longer. She’d pushed away almost everyone in her life, and things kept reminding her of what the world wanted her to believe she was-- a monster. But she wanted to be better. And ignoring her condition would only end in one way, and even if it still pained Marley to admit it, she didn’t want that. She’d survived Roy’s attack for a reason, and she wasn’t going to throw away this chance again. Even if she still felt like half a person, losing blocks of time and bits of herself. One thing at a time, she reminded herself. One thing at a time. Today, she would concentrate on Erin. From her office, she heard the jingle of the keys and the door open and she leaned back, looking towards the entryway. “In here!” she called out, flipping the case she’d been working on closed. Today, she would try and give herself a break.

This wasn’t the way Erin expected to spend her Christmas. She wasn’t complaining, of course. There’d been far too many points this year that made her doubt getting this far. Being here, being alive only made the desire to squeeze as much goodness as she could out of today. Couldn’t get worse than last year. Alone, fresh from burying her father with a refrigerator full of organs in the basement. Bags hung from each arm as she trudged up to Marley’s front door and let herself in. Didn’t think about how normal that was now that she was here at least a few times a week. It was her new normal as much as Marley’s. She didn’t mind it. Building that trust back up was a slow roll, and Marley was expectantly impatient and angry during these organization sessions. This was hard. For both of them. They were both mending and learning all at once but real progress was being made.

“Hey, Merry Christmas!” Her voice rang out into the apartment as she kicked the door shut behind her. JD scurried somewhere, the little thumps of his feet padding along the floor. Apparently he wasn’t ready to say hello just yet. The feeling was mutual. She dumped the bags gently onto the kitchen counters before moseying over towards the office and greeted her with a bright smile. “After we’re done getting you squared away, I brought along some goodies. Hope you didn’t make any other plans for today because I’m not going anywhere,” she teased gently, pulling off the thick winter peacoat on her back. “How’re you feeling today?”

“Same as everyday, Pinky,” Marley answered back dryly. “Er-- yea. Happy-- Jesus birthday or whatever.” She didn’t really celebrate this holiday, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. The first few foster homes she’d been in had tried-- but getting a gift for ten plus children was hard, and Marley wasn’t a fan of hand-me-down barbie dolls. Except to pull their heads off of and color on them with red paint. Sometimes she’d leave them around the house for the other kids to find, and laugh when they screamed. So most homes had stopped gifting her anything, because what else generic did you get a young girl? She looked back over at Erin. “What else would I be doing, anyway? Oh, right-- drinking at bars alone. Yeah, sounds great on a day like this.” Rolled her eyes, but it was playful, as were her words. She peered curiously at the bags on the counter. “What’d you bring?” she asked, already standing to head over to them. “No, we can do that later. Let’s do this first.” Maybe this time Erin would fall for it and she could get away with not having to think about how shitty she felt every day, and how, after she’d started writing everything down, her black outs could no longer be ignored.

“I don’t know but that sounds depressing any day,” Erin remarked, raising a brow in her direction, more concern than judgment in her voice. Just wasn’t a way she enjoyed picturing someone she cared about. “Hey, no peeking!” she hopped after her, covering the tops of them with her hands. “After we do what we need to do, you can see,” she said with the exaggerated conviction of a mother scolding her child for wanting a snack before dinner. It wasn’t like this was her favorite thing to do either but it was a necessity not even Christmas could stop. A reliable routine mattered more than ever. She grabbed her journal from her bag with one hand and Marley’s hand in the other, tugging her to the kitchen table. “C’mon, c’mon, let’s get it over with,” she smirked. Left Marley and the notebook at the table and started plucking down post-it notes, focusing on the ones that had less to do with daily reminders and more on the things that needed immediate attention. “I know it’s tedious and annoying, but it’s important. You know?” She paused briefly, glancing up from the neon papers in her hand. “Do you feel like this is helping? She asked, genuinely curious. It seemed like it was, and getting organized was never a bad thing, but it meant more than that in Marley’s case.

“Well, considering I mostly did that to cruise, it’s not as bad as it sounds,” Marley pointed out. But she hadn’t done that in a long time now. Because she’d had Anita, and even when she’d ruined that, she had Lydia. And then after that...she had Erin. Maybe not in the same ways as Anita and Lydia, but Erin was the last person standing in her life. And her company, though reluctantly accepted at first, was welcomed now. It was...nice. Marley frowned playfully. “But mooooom,” she whined, rolling her eyes. Trudged back to the office and sat back down, opening up the notebook. “Unfortunately,” she grumbled, scribbling in the corner, “it helps a lot. Maybe too much. Not sure I like knowing how much of my day I actually lose.” She flicked one of the sticky notes-- the one with all her timestamps on it-- and glanced over at Erin. “Who knew brain damage was so serious, right?” she joked, even if her face remained stark. She wasn’t sure if they were okay enough to joke about this sort of thing yet-- but Marley didn’t really care. It was her injury, she could joke about it if she wanted to. “But, uh-- seriously. It helps.” She shrugged. “Now hurry up and finish, I wanna drink this really expensive tequila one of my colleagues sent me.”

“Cruise?” Erin started to ask before it dawned on her. “Ah. Right. Gotcha. Knowing who you are as a person, that makes more sense,” she teased. Wasn’t how Erin handled that kind of thing but she was the last one to judge someone else for it. Sometimes it struck her how different they were for how close they’d become over the last six months. There were probably more differences than similarities, if she was being honest. Turns out a deep need for revenge and enduring traumatic, violent attacks could be a pretty decent bonding agent though. Worked well enough for them, anyway. But it was a relief to know that this was helping. That the hours and hours they were putting in here were amounting to something tangible. “Good,” was all she said, not trying to put Marley too much on the spot and scare her away. Stood beside her as she moved back to the table, absently running her finger along her shoulder as she read through the notes. “Hey,” she said, stiffening a bit. “What’s--uh, this one about?” She asked, dropping one in front of her. “Call foster home about birth certificate.” She dropped the note in front of Marley and sat down beside her, shuffling through the others, not thinking too much about her question. “Is that a work thing, or…?” The other implication of her question dawned on her and her eyes jumped up to Marley’s. “Is that a you thing?”

Marley thought very little about Erin’s close proximity to her, or her hand on her shoulder, as she watched her shuffle through the notes Marley had left around for her to organize. It almost felt relaxing, even if in the back of her mind, Marley still felt that strange prickle of anger inside of her chest. When Erin spoke up again, she stopped scribbling in the journal and looked down at the note she had set down in front of her. It was Marley’s turn to stiffen. She’d forgotten about that note-- which was entirely the point of these sessions, but that didn’t matter in the end-- until this moment, and something clicked in her head about how she meant to throw that one away. She picked it up off the desk and crumpled it, dumping it in the trash under the table. “It’s an irrelevant thing now,” she murmured, understanding that her response alone gave Erin the answer even if her words did not. “There’s no point in getting it anymore.”

Erin narrowed her eyes at the abruptness in which Marley crumpled up the note, tossed it aside like the contents meant nothing. If there was anything she’d learned it was that Marley spoke more with her actions than her words, especially when it came to this sort of thing. “Oh-kay,” she answered, seemingly moving on with the organizational process. “Guess that means you’re not going to answer my question?” She asked, jotting down a note for Marley’s calendar for later in the week. Without looking at her, she tilted her head, discarding another note, raising an eyebrow. “Or maybe you did.” Marley didn’t talk about her parents often--or ever, really--but it made sense why, if that note held any truth for Marley.

Marley watched Erin closely for a moment, as she jotted something down on the calendar. Realizing too late that it was the note she’d just crumpled. She clenched her jaw a little, but knew that even if Erin acted like she was going to drop it, she never really would. And hadn’t Marley decided to stop being so closed off? At least with Erin. She had to try somewhere, right? Rubbing her eyes again, she let out a heavy, audible sigh. “It’s complicated,” she mumbled and remembered how much Anita hated that word and felt her stomach burn. “I just mean-- yes, it’s about me. I was looking into some stuff before things got...really bad.” Because she felt some strange sort of compulsion for it, and the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to know. “I was looking into tracking down my birth parents.”

Ah, there it was. The sound of caving. Erin knew she’d earn that eventually but it came quicker than she anticipated. Maybe Marley was finally coming around, opening up to her in ways she was reluctant to before. Maybe, just maybe, their talk from a few weeks prior had paved the way for more progress than she’d realized. “Oh. I didn’t realize,” she started, and felt silly the moment she said it. Of course she didn’t know, both that she was looking and that this was something that Marley needed to do at all. “Why is it irrelevant now? Do you... not want to know anymore?” She asked, fussing with the post it notes. There wasn’t much more to the task at hand, and the rest of the post-it notes were categorized, but she kept her hands busy writing excessive notes and pretending to sort through them again. She had her full attention but staring at Marley while asking her such a personal question didn’t feel like that was the way to go here.

“Well, it’s not like I talk about it much,” Marley admitted quietly. Or at all. She never shared these parts of herself, they were dark and painful and cold, so she hid them away. With sealed records and compartmentalized memories, she kept them behind locked doors in her mind and in real life. But she was growing weary of them, and whatever was melting its way through her barricades was also telling her it was okay to let someone in. And of all the people to let in, Erin was the least dangerous. And probably the most worthy of it. “I wanted to know why they gave me up,” she answered quietly, her voice fragile in a way it never really had been before. Small and tempered, as if she were afraid. “But it doesn’t matter anymore, if it’s not going to change anything.” It doesn’t matter anymore if she couldn’t even stay inside her own brain enough to be herself.

Erin slowed down her movements, watching Marley cautiously as she explained herself. It was brief, to the point, like it typically was with Marley, but she’d learned to read a little between the lines at this point. She didn’t need to be able to read her to recognize how difficult this was for her to admit, though. This would be hard for anyone. She reached over, placing her hand on top of hers gently. “It won’t. You’re still you, no matter what they say, you know. If you were ever to find out why, I mean. You’re pretty badass, you know--that’s not something they can take away from you no matter what.” She offered a small smile, wishing she knew the best way to navigate this. “But… if you wanted to do that, to look them up, you’ve got my support and you know I’d be glad to help. But you also don’t have to. It’s entirely up to you, Marley.”

The hand placed on top of Marley’s almost made her jump-- it was a gentle action that she was woefully unused to. Her eyes went up to meet Erin’s, finding something in them that she hadn’t really known she was searching for-- validation. A gentleness around the subject, as if she knew the fragileness of it. And of course she did. Erin knew Marley better than anyone else, even Anita. She stiffened and swallowed at the thought, looking away. “I feel like I have to know,” she finally admitted quietly, “because right now, I don’t know anything. I don’t know who I am anymore, or who I want to be, and if I could know why they gave me up-- why they let me get passed around foster home after foster home-- maybe I could understand why things turned out the way they did.” She pulled her hand away so she could fold her arms across her chest, a subconscious way to protect herself. “But I guess just like everything else, I don’t know what I want anymore.”

Erin nodded slowly as listened, absorbing as much of this new information about Marley as she could while still trying to be helpful. If not helpful then just a sounding board, someone for Marley to express her thoughts and fears with. “You deserve those answers. You do. If they’re there. They might not, either, you know? It’s not a fun option but it's a real one.” She bit her lip, watching her withdraw. “It’s not something you have to make a decision about right now, either. You have time. God knows you’ve got so much on your plate as it is so… maybe when you’re ready and you’re able, you still have that time.” When Marley pulled away from her, she reached for the past of post-it notes and rewrote it, sticking it back onto the space where they were usually cluttered. “There,” she nodded, glancing back, a small encouraging smile on her lips. “Doesn’t need to be on the calendar just yet. But we won’t forget about it. How’s that?”

Marley's immediate reaction was to protest. No, this was stupid. No, she was stupid for wanting to do that. For wanting to know about them. They had given her up for a reason-- because they didn’t want her. Why would looking for them, why would trying to find them, make that any different? Why did Marley want so much for that to not be the reason? Too many what ifs clouded her thoughts and she watched silently as Erin stuck the note back on the board. She swallowed thickly. “Okay,” was all she said, looking away again and to the calendar they’d filled out. She unfurled her arms slowly, closing it. “Can we go drink now?” she asked, trying to move her voice from the shaky mutter it had been before to her more usual drone.

The hesitation in Marley’s eyes only confirmed how uncertain she felt about the whole thing. Just because someone wanted something didn’t mean they were ready for it, in whatever capacity that entailed. There was still so much healing she had to do still and Erin was thankful she wasn’t immediately jumping into this. It was still there on the table though--or the board, more accurately. It wouldn’t be forgotten. When she was ready, they could go back to it. She let out a soft laugh and nodded. “Yes, please,” she said, giving Marley’s shoulder a quick squeeze as she moved passed her. “How about you get the good stuff and I’ll get your surprise?” She raised her eyebrows cheekily, trying to reinsert some excitement back into the room. Even if she felt a pang of nervousness when she grabbed the bag with her gift inside. It was probably stupid and definitely overly sentimental, and she was already preparing for the relentless teasing she was bound to get. With a heave, she set the bag on the table with a clunk. “I didn’t know how to wrap it so--here you go.”

Marley was extremely thankful for the change of mood as Erin gave her that look. She smirked under the weariness and felt herself re-energizing already, leaping up from the chair and following her out back into the living room. “One bottle of extra fancy tequila, coming up!” she said, grabbing two of her more fancy tumblers, the bottle that that one co-worker had felt obliged to give her, and some salt and limes. Doctor Lin-King had strongly advised against heavy drinking, but it was holiday, and that meant rules didn’t apply, right? She wasn’t sure, she’d never really celebrated before. The clunk on the table startled her ever so and she looked at the bag Erin presented her with, slowly setting the glasses and bottle down. “What is it?” she asked, cautiously skeptic. She raised a brow, as if trying to peer into the bag, but not moving to open it yet. “Wrap it? You mean like--” A gift. Or present, rather. Erin had gotten her a Christmas present. Marley felt her throat suddenly tightening. “Oh,” was all she said, still not moving to open it.

Erin was busy eyeing the tequila bottle, lifting it to inspect how fancy Marley kept insisting it was. “I’ve never heard of it so it must be fancy,” she chuckled, sitting on the top of the table and popped open the top of the bottle. “Oh, that’s fancy. It might be too fancy for either one of us.” She grinned over at her, watching her tentatively poke at the present but not quite opening it. Clearing her throat, she started to pour into the tumblers Marley brought out, watching her out of the corner of her eye. “Yeah. A gift. Because it’s Christmas, dummy,” she teased her before handing her the other glass. Put her hand on top of the bag to stop her from opening it just yet. Held her glass up towards Marley, her smile softening into something more genuine and a little shy. “So, before you open it--Merry Christmas, Marley,” she nodded once, pausing. “There’s no other scrooge out there I’d rather be spending it with.”

Marley kept her eyes on the bag, even as Erin spoke. She only looked up when Erin put her hand on the bag and held the glass out to her. She took it but simply held it in front of her, still confused, visibly, by the action. She met Erin’s eyes, feeling a strange burning in her chest. It rose into her throat and her cheeks then her eyes and suddenly she was blinking and looking away. “Sorry, I don’t--” she wiped her face on her sleeve, shaking her head, “no one’s ever--” she looked at the gift on the table and wondered if context clues were enough, because the words wouldn’t come. She cleared her throat and readjusted herself, shaking off the strange feeling and raising her glass to meet Erin’s. “Merry-- yeah, Merry Christmas, Erin,” she said quietly, feeling an unstoppable smile twitch on to her face. She smothered it quickly by drowning it in tequila, grabbing a lime and biting into it, before holding one out for Erin. “If Im Scrooge, what’s that make you?” she asked once they were done.

It took more than a few moments for Erin to get it but once she did, her narrowed eyes grew wide and she could feel herself soften even further at the sight of Marley’s composure wavering. More than anyone, even the glimpse of Marley’s tears always got her hard and tight in the chest. Maybe she was biased but she felt like she had a pretty good grasp on Marley, on her heart, and it always ached when she got less than she deserved. “You’re okay,” she assured her quietly, trying to stop her voice from cracking, gripping the top of the table tight enough for her knuckles to whiten. More nervous now about the contents of her present than she was before. She tossed the drink back, thankful it went down smooth--it was really good tequila--and started to pour another as she chewed on the lime in her mouth. Laughed softly, shaking her head. “Hell if I know. Maybe the Ghost of Christmas Future. They always had that cool death thing going on. And a cool outfit.” She smiled up at her, nervously glancing at the present, then back to Marley, and then back down to her new cup. “Will you open it already?” She teased, nodding towards the bag.

“Admittedly,” Marley said with a shrug, “I’ve never actually seen that. Or read it?” She wasn’t even sure what type of media it actually was. It was probably all of them, knowing Christmas culture. And saying that she’d never gotten a present wasn’t entirely true-- the group home had Christmas morning parties, in which each kid got to pick one thing from a table of wrapped gifts, but it wasn’t the same. No one had ever taken the time to pick something out for Marley and wrap and it bring it to her. Maybe her adopted parents had at one point, but she couldn’t remember them, and they’d given her back before she’d had a chance to. Shaking away those stupid memories as well, Marley finally moved to open the gift, finding her hands shaky at best. She set the glass down and slid it towards Erin, a quiet gesture for her to refill it, and prodded the bag open. Inside sat a cool, marble box like object. Marley instantly recognized it as an urn. Confused, she pulled it out and set it on the table, looking up at Erin as if the answer were on her face.

But inside it, she found the answer. The lid was solid but not heavy and she set it gently aside, reaching in to pull out the first object-- an actual real life, goddamn photograph of her and Erin. She didn’t remember when it had been taken, exactly, but they were smiling, and the flash of the camera was reflecting off Marley’s glasses just enough to barely cover the smirk on her lips. And Erin was the one holding the camera, of course, flashing a bright smile. Marley set it aside when she noticed there was more in the box, but the picture still stuck in her mind-- she couldn’t really recall a time she’d been happier than that one.

Underneath the photo was an old certificate. It was the winner’s certificate they’d gotten from beating the Escape Room first, gold stamp and fake signature and all. Marley had let Erin keep it as her trophy, seeing as, at the time, Marley hadn’t really cared to keep mementos from or for anything. Now, she wished she had. She set that aside, too, still not having said a word. Because the next thing inside made her laugh out loud. A roll of duct tape next to a DVD of A Nightmare On Elm Street. And next to that, a bottle of Johnny Walker. She couldn’t even reach in and pull it out because she was laughing and crying and she found herself so caught between the two emotions, she didn’t even know what to say.

Erin watched quietly as Marley finally started to open the bag, unable to stop the nervousness biting at her bones. She hid a half smile behind another big sip of the tequila, watching carefully. “It’s--that’s an urn. A real one. I figured even if you didn’t like the rest of the present, I know you’re morbid enough to enjoy a bonafide urn to put on display in your house.” It was one of the many qualities she loved about Marley. She could talk about the weird, creepy things she did on a daily basis and she could keep up better than most people she knew. Her confidence continued to waver in large leaps as she watched Marley unfold the contents within, unsure if it was the tequila anymore that was making her cheeks flush. She was so silent it made her stomach turn and she was chuckling quietly like an idiot, covering her mouth with her hand. She wasn’t rolling her eyes or giving her that Marley certified look, so maybe she hadn’t fucked up entirely?

“I just thought--well, the note says what I thought. But you know, after everything this year and… everything you’re going through right now, I just thought--” she cleared her throat, holding the glass on her lap, running her thumb against the side. “I wanted something to remind you that despite everything, all the shit we went through and all the stuff we’re still trying to sort through--there is good stuff.” She smiled sheepishly, shaking her head. Her heart pounded so loud she swore Marley could hear it above her laughing. “And if you thought all of that was stupid, you’ve still got your precious Johnny in there to make up for all of it.”

Marley didn’t need to read the note to know what Erin meant. She was still smiling, uncontrollably, her breath coming up as little huffs as she tried to stop the laughter in her throat. She wiped at her eyes again and looked at Erin and suddenly, so suddenly, the feeling in her chest made sense. And with the realization, warmth blossomed throughout her entire body and she knew, without a doubt, that this was happiness. Pure, unadulterated happiness. And the only other time she’d ever felt this way was with Anita, and she didn’t want to think about that right now. She wanted to live in this moment, this moment where she could be happy and pretend like she hadn’t ruined all the good things in her life, and she could pretend she didn’t have a lifelong injury, and she could pretend like tomorrow would be as good as this day. “It’s perfect,” she finally said, moving around the table closer to Erin. “All of it, I can’t even--” she glanced back at it, then to Erin-- “I didn’t get you anything.” And this close to Erin, she could see the flush on her cheeks, and the way her eyes had that little sparkle to them, and the weary lines around her eyes that seemed almost permanent now. And she could hear her own heartbeat in her ears, as she reached out and took Erin’s face between her hands and kissed her.

Marley’s smile was more comforting than she’d ever know. It was downright infectious, actually, and Erin’s lips twitched upward in a grin that nearly matched the one beaming at her. She did good. That’s what Marley’s smile told her more than anything. She liked it, sentiment and sappy as it was. The relief that came with that was unparalleled and she had to blink a few times realizing that Marley was talking. Right. Words. “No, don’t worry about it,” she started, theat drumming in her chest quickening in tempo as Marley drew closer. She looked happy. Really, truly happy--happier than she’d seen her in so, so long. It was hard to not let it affect her, to fall headfirst into that feeling. When was the last time she’d felt that herself? To feel something other than the rage or the coldness the dark had brought for as long as she could remember. Marley’s lips against hers were unexpected but they were warm and despite her brain screaming distantly in the background, they were welcome against her own. Maybe something had clicked, maybe some deeply buried flood of emotions were loosening themselves into the night, maybe she didn’t know what the fuck she was doing at all--but she couldn’t stop herself from kissing her back. She just knew right now she felt good, just like how Marley felt good. And safe. She felt herself let go just a little bit more as she wrapped her arms around her waist and deepened the kiss, pulling her in against her.

Marley moved mostly off of instinct, and feeling. Something like this was natural to her. And somehow it felt more natural, knowing it was Erin. She tasted like tequila and a hint of lime and Marley wondered what in the world had made her want to do this. Maybe it was the idea of being so happy she couldn’t think straight, or maybe that was the tequila. Or maybe she just craved the feeling of being touched, of being wanted. Maybe this had been something that had been building between them for longer than either of them really knew. And maybe other people and past feelings didn’t matter right now. It was a holiday, after all, they should get to enjoy themselves, right? Merry goddamn Christmas was right. She let Erin pull her closer, kissing her harder, desperate and hungry, as she was wont to do. She couldn’t actually remember the last time she’d been held like this-- she knew it was with Anita, but the memory was only a flicker. At the thought, she pulled away, using the moment to take a breather, chest already heaving. “I--” she started, but found she didn’t know exactly what to say, “is this…” she swallowed, looked into Erin’s eyes, “okay?” Another smile twitched on her lips. “It was all I could think of in the moment..” she tacked on, grinning.

Erin would be a damn liar if she hadn’t thought about this before. Passively, quickly, and onto the next thought--but she’d thought about it nonetheless. There’d always been something that had drawn her to Marley from the very beginning, she was attractive, and there was no one who knew her quite like Marley did. There were two very good reasons why this hadn’t happened before, and she closed her eyes when Marley pulled away, trying not to think of either one of them. Two things neither of them had anymore and it was hard not to feel them in a big way right now, even if all she wanted to think about was Marley’s lips. “It’s okay,” she nodded, opening her eyes to find Marley’s bright grin. This was fine. That gnawing, low down fear in her stomach was just nerves. This was fine. She wouldn’t be smiling at her like that if this wasn’t okay. She trusted her, trusted that smile, even if she didn’t totally trust herself. “I mean, it’s good. Really good. Not just okay,” she chuckled, her hand still gripping her waist firmly. When she’d caught her breath, she lifted one hand to the nape of her neck and pulled her lips back down to hers, a little more desperate than before. This was good, it was fine--they both wanted this, wanted to forget, to feel something for a little while. Erin was more than happy to indulge for a little while longer.

Good. This was good. Erin said it was good. Marley nodded once before she was folding back into her, ready to let everything else slip away from her, from them. Leave behind all the shit they’d been through and the people they’d hurt or lost or pushed away. Because this was easy, it had always been easy for Marley. To lose herself, to forget, to let go. To focus on just the physical feeling and not the despair or the loneliness or the pain that would otherwise fill that space. It’s what she’d done for years and thought she would do until the day she died. And the idea-- the thought-- that she could have something more, felt as if it were suffocating now. The idea that she could have had more, but let it slip through her fingers. The idea that she was afraid of having more because it meant opening herself in a way she’d never been open before. Because having more meant feeling someone else’s hurt. And she wanted to forget all of that, leave that all behind. Because right here, and right now, she had enough. She had Erin. She had the feeling, the thought, somewhere in the back of her mind, that maybe this had been inevitable. Maybe she’d always wanted to do this. Maybe she just wanted to feel something real again. She moved in closer, still kissing Erin, deeper, harder, wanting to fall into the taste and the feel. Her hands moved lower, pressed against the table behind Erin for a moment, before she found them grabbing at the bottom of Erin’s shirt, fingers ghosting underneath. What she would give to feel this again. What she would give to let herself believe this feeling. If only it were that easy.

Something changed the moment Erin felt Marley’s hands drifting below her shirt. The touch startled her out of whatever haze she’d fallen into, knocking some sense into her. It was that panic, that fear that had been slowly dredging up from the pit of her stomach since Marley had first pulled her in and kissed her. “Marley, wait--stop,” she breathed, rearing back. Her hand covered her lips and she inched away from the table, away from Marley. Her chest heaved for breath and her mind raced as the panic surged in her. What the fuck where they doing? This wasn’t right. It felt good but everything in her mind suddenly woke up and was screaming at her, reminding her that this wasn’t right. “I can’t--we can’t,” she finally looked up, trying to find Marley’s eyes, slowly shaking her head. “You’re my best friend, Marley. And I don’t want to lose--we just--we can’t.”

The action startled Marley enough that she stumbled when Erin pushed her and stared, bewildered. Did she-- not like it? Hadn’t Marley just asked if it was okay? Had she done something wrong? It felt like stones had dumped into her stomach and she felt suddenly sick. “Why does that matter?” she asked, blinking. Her brows knit together as she tried to understand what Erin meant. Why couldn’t they? It was just kissing and maybe sex. It wasn’t like it was anything they hadn’t thought about. It wasn’t like it had to mean anything. Marley’s cheeks burned with embarrassment and she turned away, wiping a hand across her face. “It’s not like-- it doesn’t have to mean anything,” she said, still bewildered, still unsure why erin was making that face or why she looked as if Marley had just slapped her. “I don’t-- see why it matters.”

Erin’s eyes burned at Marley’s reaction. She felt as embarrassed as much as she did but it was what she said that hurt in a way she didn’t expect. It doesn’t have to mean anything. “It does. It means something. Maybe not to you--maybe you can just… turn that off, but I can’t. I care about you and I just--I can’t.” Didn’t Marley understand that? This wasn’t a one-off thing for her. She couldn’t do that. Not with Marley. Her fingers combed through her hair and she did her best to take another breath, though the red in her cheeks felt like it was burning right through her. Fuck. Fuck. “Even if it doesn’t matter to you, it matters to me. I should--I should probably just… go,” she mumbled. Shook her head, stepped backwards, and took a deep breath, moving back through her apartment to gather her things.

Marley felt her chest tightening again. Why did people keep saying that to her? About her? That she could just turn it off, as if she had any control over how she felt. She didn’t and she couldn’t. That wasn’t how it worked. Marley was just good at putting her feelings away because they never mattered-- they didn’t matter. But she didn’t know how to say that, how to respond to that. Erin was turning to leave now and Marley wanted to scream. “Don’t!” she said quickly, taking a step forward, but remembered Erin backing away from her and stopped, pulling back. “Don’t leave. I just-- I’m sorry. I take it back,” she said, “all of it. Even-- we can pretend it didn’t happen, just don’t leave.” She didn’t want to be alone. The feeling struck her like a wrecking ball-- she didn’t want to be alone. She missed Anita. She missed being held. She missed being touched. She missed everything. She’d been so alone and then Erin had fought her way back in and now Marley had done something to upset another person. “And I don’t just shut it off,” she found herself adding, stepping towards Erin fully this time, “I don’t know why everyone thinks I can just fucking-- not feel or pretend to not feel-- but it’s not true. I feel a lot, okay? I feel fucking everything. But it doesn’t matter-- my feelings just...don’t matter.” She found herself running her hands through her hair, gesturing stiffly. “They never mattered, so why would they now?”

Erin startled again in the desperation in Marley’s voice, but still she moved, her hands on her jacket. She hated this feeling, this ugly mortification seeping through her. “That’s not what I meant--” she said, shaking her head. “Or, I don’t know. Maybe it is. I just don’t know how you do it. I can’t… do that, go home with someone and move on the next day.” She felt herself rambling, knew it was the nerves building, allowing the words to keep spilling from her. She closed her eyes, wiping her hand over her eyes, trying to calm herself into expressing herself more rationally. A heavy breath left her during a brief silence before she felt collected enough to try again. “I don’t mean that you don’t have feelings. Because they matter. They do. But this, what you and I have, it’s too important to me and way too fragile to do what we just did. I’ve fucked up so much already and I can’t fuck up this. Not with you.”

Erin was still grabbing her stuff, she was still going to leave, and something visceral snapped in Marley. She reached out and put her hands on Erin’s, gripping tightly. “Please don’t--” she started, then stopped again. Realized what she was doing and let go quickly, backing away. Her eyes caught sight of the gift again and it reminded her of the happiness she’d felt literal minutes ago. Her skin was buzzing. “I don’t-- I don’t know what you mean. I don’t understand how that would it fuck it up?” And she didn’t, she really didn’t. Erin was the exception in her life, someone she’d befriended without sleeping with her. And it wasn’t like she couldn’t make friends the other way, she just never did because she didn’t operate that way. Her chest felt like it was burning. “Just tell me what I did wrong,” she said, a strange desperation to her voice, “just tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it and make it better.” And maybe she wasn’t talking about them anymore, even, but they were the only words that were coming out.

Erin didn’t expect that reaction, couldn’t do more than freeze in place when Marley grabbed her. As much as her brain was telling her to go, her feet wouldn’t move. Not with how Marley was staring at her, pleading with her to stay. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Marley,” she sighed, suddenly tired and reluctant to talk about this. She hadn’t, technically. Up until a few moments ago, Erin hadn’t given any inclination that she didn’t want it. It was still hard to look at her as she tried to find the words, but she put her jacket down. “It would fuck it up because I care about you. A lot. And if we crossed that line, we can’t go back. I can’t go back. I can’t make that separation. And after everything, with Nic just--up and leaving, I can’t do that. I can’t lose someone else. I can’t.” She paused, working her jaw, trying to find the courage to look at Marley again, the pain clear in her voice. Her hand moved to her hip and she looked down again instead, shaking her head. “I’ve got a pretty good feeling neither of us are ready for something like that.”

It made sense, when Erin said it out loud, but the confused look still stuck on Marley’s face. “Wait, so--” she shook her head again, face drawn together in concern as she tried to put the pieces together and understand what it was Erin meant. What she wanted. “You said it was okay, but now you’re saying you...don’t want it?” She looked across at her, then to her jacket, then towards the door. The bottle of tequila, barely any drank. The stack of movies in the living room Marley had set aside for them to cycle through later and laugh at. The certificate on the table. The photo of them. Erin was her best friend, and her only friend. There was a line with her, and if they crossed it, there was no going back. Was she okay with that? Did she want that? She didn’t know. What she did know was that her heart still ached for someone else. And that was enough for her to concede to. She picked up the photo and the certificate and put them back in the urn. “You can leave if you want,” she said after a quiet moment, “I don’t want to mess this up, either.”

“I made a mistake. It was a mistake.” The words flew out of Erin faster and harsher than she intended, and internally she cringed at the delivery... but it answered Marley’s question didn’t it? Her mind raced and she wasn’t sure if was because she was lonely, or because she did feel things about Marley that couldn’t or shouldn’t be reciprocated, or they were caught up in a mess of complicated feelings on an emotional day. She had wanted it despite everything in her now telling her it was a mistake. “Fuck,” she muttered, covering her face with both of her hands, letting loose a frustrated groan into them. She didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to console Marley. She didn’t want to, either. Didn’t have the strength herself. “I should go,” she nodded quietly, grabbing her jacket again. “I’m sorry, I just--” she started, waiting for the best words to come to her. “I’m gonna go.” This option didn’t feel good either but it felt like the only one that made sense. There was no way they could just--pretend it didn’t happen and sit around comfortably, watching movies and drinking tequila. It was all she wanted to do but it didn’t seem possible now. “I’m sorry,” she repeated earnestly, shrugging, and stepped back out into the night. Her chest burning furiously the whole way back to her car. Another Merry fucking Christmas.

Mistake. The word barreled into Marley’s head and ricocheted around and shattered every ounce of happiness she’d been holding onto. It dredged up memories and voices she thought she’d forgotten, and all she could hear was ‘You are a mistake’, ‘Adopting you was a mistake’, ‘Taking you in was a mistake’. She didn’t say anything when as Erin gathered up her stuff. She didn’t say anything as Erin left out the front door and shut and locked it. She didn’t say anything as she walked over to the tequila bottle, hand shaking, and drowned herself in it as much as she could. And when she saw the urn sitting on the table, she lost it. Turning on her heel, she launched the bottle as hard as she could against the wall, screaming. It shattered and spilled everywhere in the hallway. Next, she turned to the urn, gripping it with both hands, raised it above her head, ready to smash it on the floor in front of her, but-- but-- she couldn’t. She just...couldn’t. Instead, she sank to the floor, hugging the cool marble box to her chest, and fell back against the wall. Mistake, was all she could think as she stopped trying to hold back her tears, I’m a mistake.

#wickedswriting #chatzy #chatzy: erin #erin #home for the holidays #tw domestic abuse mention

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kidnappedbycartoons · 4 years

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Best Friends Who Flirt With Each Other (Zoey X MC)

Notes: I’ve been debating about whether or not to write a piece about Zoey and her feelings for MC. Well, I decided to do it. Sorry if it’s bad, it was surprisingly hard to write from Zoey’s POV.

Pairing: Zoey X Black!MC (Ayah)

Word Count: 1,449

I thought she was just an opportunity. A chance. To finally take Poppy Min-Sinclair down. When she came here in those humble clothes and put Poppy in her place, on the first day at that, I saw an opening and took it. It was almost too perfect, her being my roommate and already having beef with the fake ass bitch. She was the singer and I was the songwriter. The actress and the director. I thought I had it all planned out, but that was so wrong.

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“Then I at least owe you something. I mean, I couldn’t have done any of this without your help,” Ayah looked up at me with that perfect smile of hers and those big shining brown eyes. All because I helped out with her getting on Professor Roberta’s good side.

“You’re a smart girl. I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it up to me,” I winked at her, ready to move on to the next topic when she responded.

“I already have a few ideas,” Her eyes went dark as she looked me up and down, “And they all involve kissing. Lots of it.”

“Oh? How about you put your money where your mouth is?” This wasn’t anything new. It’s just careless flirting. Nothing’s going to come out of it anyway.

And yet, my heart fluttered when she pressed her lips to mine. Nothing’s going to come out of this. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy small moments like this. So I let myself melt into her, savoring this kiss. She doesn’t know. She’s only focused on taking Poppy down. She only thinks of me as a best friend. That she flirts with from time to time.

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I rolled my eyes as I saw her look at her phone for what had to be one billionth time this hour. Honestly, what did I tell this girl?

I snatched the phone out of her hands, ignoring her cries.

“What did I say when I had the genius idea to take you on this fabulous shopping spree?” She looked down, looking as adorable as a puppy as she pouted.

“That we were going to ‘ignore the haters’ and try to forget about my… ‘hella embarrassing and honestly questionable past life choices’,” She repeated in a small voice.

I hate seeing her like this. This isn’t the same girl that I met that day. She’s supposed to be brave, confident, and strong. But now she looks like a child who got her favorite crayon taken away. All because of Poppy. The second I saw Ayah’s shoulders slump and that bright glow around her dim, I had already begun to think of ways for her to bounce back from this. But first, I had to make sure she was alright. That’s the number one priority right now.

“And I mean that with all the love in my heart.” I paused, registering the four letter word that just left my mouth. It’s nothing big. We’re best friends, right? Best friends say that to each other, right? So why is my stomach twisting into knots and my heart jumping into my throat? It’s nothing. Must have been something I ate.

“So, this phone is mine. It’s your punishment,” I turned to go, ignoring the pounding in my chest. Until she spoke up.

“Okay, I see your point. I’ll stop ruining our date,” I didn’t have to look up to know that she had that grin on her face. “I’ve been so mopey, I’d better turn it around before I lost my shot at another one.”

She nudged my arm as she scooted closer. I fell into flirty best friend mode so quickly, it was almost instinct at this point.

“Ayah, Ayah, Ayah,” Her name sounded so beautiful, almost like a song. “You think you’re pretty smooth, don’t you?”

“Smooth enough to...get my phone back,” I held the phone up, smirking at the disappointed expression on her face. She was just trying to get her phone back. That’s it. We’re just two best friends who flirt with each other from time to time, that’s all we are.

So why was I so mesmerized by the slow, small smile that worked its way onto her face? Her real smile. The only one I got to see. Until someone else comes along and takes it away. Sighing, I pocket the phone and walk away. We’re just best friends who flirt with each other from time to time.

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I’ve never wanted to murder someone so badly before, but Benji was asking for it. I can’t believe that creep. I could barely focus on my assignment, Ayah was the only one on my mind. Man, forget the assignment! Ayah needs me.

The second I see her sitting on the sofa in our dorm, I crush her in a hug. She’s alright. Physically, at least. But dammit! I should’ve been there to show Benji how we handle folks down in Brooklyn.

“Hey, Zo,” I’ve never been more happy to hear someone’s voice. If that creep had laid a finger on her…

“Thank god you’re here. I’m ready to forget all about this for one night,” I pulled away to look at her. “The first step of that is you. The second step is wine.”

Her face was guarded, but even still, I could see the small cracks of fear and relief. I take her hand in mine, brushing the loose curls back. I hope she can’t feel the way my hands are shaking or hear the way my heart is pounding.

“You have no idea how good it is to have you here,” As she tells me everything that happened, I feel my anger start to reach a boiling point.

“He stole your bra? Seriously? Do you need me to go kill him?” And I’m dead serious. Maybe not with my bare hands, these refills aren’t cheap at all, but a good gun should do the trick.

“That’s my Zoey, always ready to throw hands,” She’s clearly trying to defuse the serious mood, but my heart skips a beat at her calling me hers. Yeah, I’m her Zoey, best friend, personal stylist, and planner. But for tonight, I’m fine with that. She’s my first priority.

________________________________________________________________

I could barely register the bullshit ass apology Ayah was giving me. All that was going on in my head was that, while I always thought of her as a first priority, hers was Poppy. She really chose some petty ass revenge that could’ve waited until we got back to the dorm, over warning me. She chose her feud with Poppy over me.

“I don’t know why you’re so pissed at me, it’s not like I’m the one who put you on blast back there.” Is she serious?

“But you knew about it,” I could hear my voice cracking with each word, but I didn’t care. “And instead of telling me you just went ahead and did what you thought was more important at the time.”

I can’t believe I was so stupid. I should’ve seen this coming. She’s only been focused on one thing this whole year and that’s Poppy. Being all buddy-buddy with her inner circle? Taking pages out of ‘Poppy’s Little Golden Book For Dictators’. I can’t believe it. I didn’t mean anything to her at all. I was just her little cheerleader.

“I don’t know who this person is, but she’s not my Ayah…” My entire body felt heavy, broken, battered, bruised, as I spoke. “And right now, I’m pretty sure she’s not the person I thought I was falling for.”

I saw the way her eyes widened as she tried to register my words, but I wasn’t done.

“I thought I meant something to you. Something more than one of your pawns in this petty game you and Poppy are playing,” She became a blur as the tears threatened to fall again. But her voice was loud and clear.

“Zoey, you do,” Lies. Lies.

“Save it. Clearly, I was wrong,” I turned to leave, feeling more alone than ever. Stupid. Stupid. I can’t believe I let myself believe for one second that someone actually cared about me. This wasn’t like when those bitches left me to take the blame when we were caught shoplifting. This wasn’t like when I first got to Belvoire and had to deal with the fraudulent people that never had to work a single day in their life.

I thought I had it all planned. Ayah would be the one to dethrone Poppy, to finally make a change in this fucked up college. And I would be the one to help her along, as a friend. But here I went, getting caught in my own feelings. Now look. Alone. Again.

#queen b #choices queen b #qb zoey #zoey wade #playchoices #choices stories you play

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yuki-carey · 3 years

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@ssongpyeon This is part 2 of answering your ask! I would reblog my first post but when I do so it removes it from the tags... So yeah...

So. I said I'd give my heavier headcanons. So warning, this could be triggering to some people, because Beyblade is extremely damn dark, and this is only darker. (Triggers in the tags.) They’re headcanons about the show because the manga is another pair of hands.

-I headcanon that Doji is his uncle (his mother's brother), actually. I think Reiji's parents were very busy because they are rich, but not the kind to just sit on their wealth and accumulate more wealth, unlike most ultra-rich people, they actually work, but they have a terrible work/life balance so they often ended up neglecting their child(ren), barely hiring nannies to take care of him (them). Doji, on the other hand, was jealous of his older sister getting most of the money and power (even though he still received plenty of money himself), and that, along with the fact he's an awful person, was what decided him to create the Dark Nebula to get more power. Except at first he didn't know L-Drago existed, so he spent years and years coming up with different schemes and plans to take control. Ryuga became part of his schemes after some time, but their 'collaboration' was still relatively recent. Reiji on the other hand has been a part of this very early on, ever since Doji offered to "take care of him" (when he was ‪around 7-9‬ years-old?), and his parents agreed because they thought it was still better for him to be raised by his uncle than by strangers. (I mean, his mom was dubious at first because she knew her brother, but she assumed he was trying to apologize for their tense relationship.)

Obviously, this was all very wrong.

Doji, indeed, had just cooked up a plan that was a bit more likely to succeed than the others, and he needed a pawn for it to work. Someone naive, someone who would trust him blindly, someone he could bend and break and reshape as he wished. And who better suited for that role than a child who knew nothing of the real world?

Especially a child who already knew about Beyblade, and to whom he wouldn’t have to teach EVERYTHING about how to play. (Even if Doji didn’t yet know about the dark power at the time, he had still noticed how incredible beys could be, and he was able to tell that something could be done with that.)

Indeed, thanks to his connection with his bey, (and also because he would spent a lot of time training on his own, since he didn’t really have anything else to do,) Reiji was already quite a good blader (well, not THAT good but like... Acceptable for a child. And Doji didn’t really have any other choice anyway, so he couldn’t be picky.)

So Doji took him under his wing, and tried to use him without him noticing. After all, why would a child have doubted him?

... Except Doji is the most suspicious person ever, and that Reiji already didn't trust people much, because it seemed very weird to him that someone he didn't know would just take him in and be nice. (I can only imagine that during his childhood, kids hated him because his parents were rich so they assumed he could have anything he wanted, and that if he refused to share, it was because he was mean. It wasn't.)

So anyway Reiji didn't trust Doji, to the point where it made Doji's entire plan fail. Also because it wasn't a solid plan (I mean, have you seen Doji's ideas? Seriously? The man can't think for more than two seconds to save his life. Anyone whose plan is ‘step 1. conquer the world! Step 2. ???‘ can’t think for more than two seconds to save their life.)

The whole failure meant Doji had to find a new plan. And as previously stated, Doji is bad at thinking up ideas.

So Doji kept scheming, but also trying to understand what to do with his nephew (he couldn’t pretend he couldn’t stand him as an excuse to give him back to his parents, since he might have needed him again later on). He also felt that he actually had to gain his trust, otherwise he wouldn’t manage to do anything.

And to do this, he would have to do something. To create Reiji Mizuchi, out of this lonely, quiet, useless kid.

So he staged the kidnapping.

/!\ Alright so I warned there would be some triggering stuff in there. THIS IS IT NOW. If you wish to proceed, it’s at your own risk. /!\

So my headcanon is that Doji... Got random goons to kidnap Reiji, lock him up in one of his mansions for a few months (which would later on become one of the Dark Nebula’s headquarters, where Reiji was obviously not allowed)... And to torture him by putting electrodes on his head and giving him shocks, as they forced him to listen to the same words being said over and over again each time he was shocked —positive words, encouraging words, determined words... In one word... Friendship. Everything about friendship.

Want to make sure someone will never, ever have any friends, who could interfere with your plans and actually save the person you’re manipulating? Make the very concept of friendship hurt them like Hell.

And that’s what Doji did. And that’s why during his battle against Kenta, when Kenta starts talking about winning for his friends, Reiji... Loses it. Starts clutching his head, saying “it hurts, it hurts! It really hurts!!” Why would he be faking this? He is actually hurt. My headcanon (theory?????) is that his mind now associates the words/ideas with being shocked, which is horribly painful, and that this is what makes him freak out, and start going crazy (crazier than he was at least). To disprove this theory, you may say that he wasn’t hurt because of Kenta’s words, but because Kenta was about to beat him. To which I say no. Because otherwise, he would have similarly freaked out during his fight against Gingka. And he didn’t. He was extremely scared, but not hurt. He didn’t, as Doji put it, “have to use his true power”. (Sorry if my retranscription of what they said in the episodes is approximative, I’m relying on my memory and while I basically know the French version by heart, I don’t know the English one as well.)

Soooooo there you have it. But that’s not over. After the torture, when Doji deemed he was “ready”, he showed up at the mansion with three or four other goons disguised as cops who “arrested” the “bad guys” in front of Reiji’s eyes. In other words, Doji pretended that someone else had kidnapped him, but that he had been looking for him the whole time and that now he had finally found him, everything would be okay.

All of this to both earn Reiji’s trust, make sure that he would not make any friends (who could have proved to Reiji that Doji was evil), and even give him a good reason to make Reiji stay put (his excuse for basically locking him up in his bedroom being “so it’s easier to protect you”).

It was also a way to encourage him to become a better blader, “so you can protect yourself”.

So that’s what Doji did, keep Reiji alone in his bedroom, slowly becoming crazier and even more brainwashed as everything he had access to was controlled by Doji, everything he was told was said by Doji, everything he could watch on TV (to analyze other bladers’ moves and both learn from their techniques, and learn to hate them since unlike him, they never had to suffer) was recorded and put there by Doji...

And that’s how Doji created the perfect little monster, the perfect little puppet.

Later on, when he learned about the dark power, and learned the Hagane family was the one in charge of protecting it, all Doji had to do was to tell Reiji that hey, after years of searching for the one behind your terrible-horrible-awful tragedy, we finally found him, and his name is Ryo Hagane.

Which makes Reiji want revenge upon him. And what better revenge, whispers Doji after he realizes that Ryo was less of a threat than he thought and Gingka is the one to watch out for, than completely destroying Ryo’s most precious possession? No, not his bey, though it would kill two birds with one stone... But his darling, darling son. Annihilated, right in front of his eyes, as he watches helplessly. He pretends to be dead, that traitor, but we know it’s not true. He is merely hiding, hiding from his sins, so his crimes will remain unpunished. But he made a mistake. He didn’t realize that you — the one he broke, the one he hurt, the one he tortured without an ounce of pity — would be better than them all. Would not be weak. Would be powerful enough to avenge yourself. So go, my child.

Avenge yourself.

—> Okay so I... Went a bit off-course... But you get the idea. There you go. That’s... My main theory about Reiji’s past.

So yeah, I definitely agree with you about Reiji actually being the key element of at least one of Doji's ideas. Which made him, yes, Doji’s plan B should plan A (using Ryuga to get L-drago's power) fail.

-Though, I mean, I do have another theory. It’s a bit less comprehensive, but I think it’s interesting nonetheless.

It once again mostly focuses on Kenta and Reiji’s fight in episode 44 because that scene of Reiji freaking the hell out lives in my head rent-free. And it doesn’t just live in my head rent-free (I mean, all of Reiji’s scenes live in my head rent-free, it’s nothing special). But this one... This one has a fucking castle in my head, with twelve swimming pools and three parks. This one has underwear made of gold and a crown made of cheese. Hot digitty dang darnit.

It’s about Reiji’s snake eyes.

See, usually, his snake eyes are like this. You probably already know it.

HOWEVER, when he starts screaming about being in pain, as you may have noticed, his snake eyes become like THIS.

It’s not a mistake, as they stay like that the whole scene, starting when he starts hurting and ending only when Gingka interrupts the fight. It’s on PURPOSE.

So we have two options. Either you are a normal person, so you say “oh, this is symbolic”.

Either you are a completely deranged madman, and you go “well OBVIOUSLY it means Reiji’s snake eyes are devices given to him by Doji, and that have been made to electrocute him so he’ll go on a rampage whenever they are activated because he doesn’t understand where the pain is coming from and mistakenly assumes it’s caused by his opponent, when really it’s just Doji pressing a button”. And, since during Gingka and Reiji’s fight, Doji wasn’t there because he was fighting Ryo... It makes sense that he couldn’t have harmed Reiji.

Okay. I don’t actually believe this theory/headcanon. Or rather I don’t really like it because I prefer my other one. (Not that I actually believe in any of my headcanons, I just think they’re neat.) But the snake eyes are looking at me and the explanation ‘it’s symbolism’ only half satisfies me.

Alright... So that was it for my theories... The rest of my headcanons are more ‘tame’... And just, logical... It’s just what happens after Battle Bladers.

-he’s still kind of scared of Gingka (he’s very prone to nightmares) but it’s getting better

-obviously most of his nightmares are rather about the Dark Nebula...

-he also doesn’t like televisions for obvious reasons.

-he still likes Beyblade because he likes his bey, but he doesn’t actually fight anymore, at least for a while. But he may start again in the future.

-sometimes in my “after Battle Bladers” AUs I headcanon that someone who was outraged by his treatment of Hyoma and Kenta destroys his bey, while he is busy going through the trauma of having just lost, and a bit of dissociation as he realizes that 1) if we go with my first headcanon/theory, he sees he could not avenge himself; but most of all 2) he is not the strongest so he is actually vulnerable and can be hurt at any moment. (This being represented by him turning to stone.) The trauma is obviously even worse when he sees his bey is destroyed. (Okay this is sad so uh... Let’s say it makes him realize destroying beys is awful, no matter the reason... So Gingka and his friends forgive him... And Madoka fixes his bey... Yeah LET’S GO WITH THAT.)

-the person he hates the most is Doji (don’t we all)

-ever since he understood Doji lied to him for about half of his life, he has trust issues... It slowly gets better as he meets kinder people, but it’s still something he has to fight.

#tw: torture #tw: electrocution #reiji mizuchi #headcanon #metal fight beyblade #mfb #reiji beyblade #ssongpyeon #I’m a 100% aware this is fan wank #and idgaf #i probably forgot half of my headcanons again #it’s fine #if i forgot I’ll remember eventually #for now I still have work to do... why am I like this #also sorry for the bad quality of the pic in the middle #I’m lazy as all hell

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hecohansen31 · 4 years

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The Princess & The Hacker

Hacker! Sihtric x Sex Worker! Ealhswith (Modern AU)

Chapter (1): The Ice Cream Shop

(A/N): Hello there, lovelies!

Excuse the very idiotic title, and I also want to put a disclaimer that this is one of of my first time writing a character x character fic, and I hope you won’t hate it!

I also want to thank @volvaaslaug, who has helped me a bit through the initial creation of this fic and who has heard all my annoying talks about this pairing, so special thank you to you (and I hope you won’t regret not lowering your expectations!).

I do think that there’ll be more chapters, if you like it, so please make sure to let me know so that I can see if people are interested about sequel!

Feedback is always welcome, in any way shape and form: it makes my heart beat stronger and my fingers write faster

SUMMARY: When Eahlswith is a victim of a revenge porn scheme, she is given a rather interesting contact, an hacker, that might solve all her problems, and do much more.

WORDS: 4,3 K

WARNINGS: Mention of Sex Work, Revenge Porn, Sex, Mention of Past Child Abuse, Hacker, Incorrect Techonology Knowledge.

Ealhswith had thought that that day wouldn’t have been different from the previous one.

And the one before that.

It’d be just another client, a simple lousy fuck she’d fake enjoying for the sake of finishing early and go back home earlier so that she could work a bit more on her final thesis and then go to bed to a nice time.

The dude hadn’t been the best of her clients for sure, excessively rough.

Although she was a professional in the sex industry, this didn’t mean that she wanted to be tossed out like a doll.

Just buy a plastic one, if that’s what you like.

It’d be cheaper.

And when the he had officially finished, he had been even more horrible to her, insisting that the agency for which Ealhswith worked would have received the money, and not her.

Which was an option, but this way she wouldn’t have had any kind of tip and seeing all the effort she had done to make that prick raise…

… she felt like she deserved it.

But she was already a bit late on her own time plan and she had just flipped the guy off in her mind, pushing her clothes quickly on and setting up a reminder on her phone for the agency to have them blacklist the guy so that he wouldn’t harass any of the other girls.

She also insisted that he hadn’t paid her, yet, preferring to settle it with the agency.

So, they had to torment him in case he didn’t pay by the end of the week.

She was thankful for the agency, although they were quite tough and took most of her earning, she felt more comfortable, since they’d run check on the clients before sending the girls and were some kind of legalized organization, which meant that she paid taxes but she didn’t risk getting arrested.

And the agency was very private about both towards the clients and both towards the girls and the boys working for them, which was great because although Ealhswith wasn’t ashamed of her work, she didn’t want her family to discover it.

She had started with modelling, but then moved quickly on the sex industry since it’d get her enough money to continue on studying and keep her apartment, meanwhile she finished her studies, without having to weight on her family, since they already had their own problematics.

Many who had discovered her profession had commented about why she couldn’t have a normal job, like a bartender or a waitress, but the truth was that those jobs didn’t make enough money for her to take care of everything around her and involved much more groping than many thought.

And if she had to be groped on a daily basis, she preferred to be paid for it.

In the end, it was just a job like another.

And this meant that she didn’t tolerate any disrespect on her job.

So, when the client of that afternoon had texted her, right when she had come back from a small trip to the grocery store for some comfort food, she had been ready to tell him that he had to contact the agency to set up another problem and this number was to be used only after having set up the appointment.

But she had been soon horrified to discover that he hadn’t meant to book another appointment, but he instead had sent her a video and for a moment she had thought he had sent it to the wrong number.

And then she had downloaded it and played it.

And she had been happy to have closed the door behind her before.

It was a video of her… and him… doing what they had done that afternoon.

And her entire life fell down onto her, heavily.

He must have set up an hidden camera to record her, and she hadn’t checked since she had thought that the agency wouldn’t have allowed something like this to happen.

She had never heard any of her colleagues comment about such a situation.

And then another message had come up.

A blackmailing one.

‘Let’s meet again and this time free and if I am satisfied, I won’t share this on the whole internet’.

Her heart sunk because although he had no idea who she truly was, it was her face, the one in the video and although it wasn’t anything more than a badly made amateur movie, it would have ruined not only her career had it been published, but also her life.

Her parents would have disowned her.

She had tried to calm down the man, already feeling her heartbeat increase at the thought of that video being sent to any other people, but the man confirmed that she was the only one who had received it…

… and would remain the only one, had she allowed him to take advantage of her.

Something that she refused to do.

But had she truly any chance to refuse him?

A thing such as this could ruin a normal person’s life, but it would have been so much worse for her, since she was sure that if this got out, it would have tainted her image, not only in everyone’s eyes but also in agency’s ones.

The agency wanted their workers to have a clean and discreet façade and a video like that might have ruined that.

She hadn’t known what to do, who to talk to.

She didn’t know how to handle all of this.

She hadn’t so much technic knowledge to know whether this treat was true or not.

And eventually she has settled on calling Christine, a fellow friend who worked also in the escorting industry something that made her think she might understand and be discreet about it.

But she hadn’t certainly expected what Christine had told her after knowing about the blackmail.

“…it happened to you too?!” she seemed almost not surprised that such a thing was possible and then went on explaining that she had something similar happening to her, with a client taking photos of her meanwhile she was in the bathroom, also claiming to publish them in case she didn’t comply everything he asked of her “… sadly it is much more common than you might think”.

“But… I thought… the agency would run some checks and…” she was panicking, but the knowledge that someone else had been in the same situation helped her quite a bit.

Christine insisted on explaining much more as she came over to Eahlswith’s house, something for which she was thankful, not wanting to be alone in such a moment, and Christine was quite a relief, explaining fully her story and how scared she had been, but she had managed to solve it as she had passed Ealhswith a phone contact.

‘… he is a hacker… a good one’ she explained, calmly since Ealhswith was looking like a frightened animal “… he took care of my problem, after a girl from the agency heard about it. He is clean and not too expensive, but most importantly he does the job amazingly”.

‘Is it… is it seriously this common?’ she asked softly to her friend, once she had come down from the scare.

‘Oh sweetie, don’t you ever browse porn sites?’ a tight expression of annoyance appeared on Christine’s face ‘… revenge porn is the literal most popular shit on there, sadly’.

The following day, after assuring her blackmailer that she agreed to his ‘deal’ she had come to see the hacker that Christine had suggested her, coming to stop at a small apartment, the place where Sthric, the hacker’s name, had told her to meet him.

She had almost expected something more… sketchy, although Christine had explained her that he was ‘one of the good guys’.

But that apartment looked quite cozy and small, although it seemed every inch of an ex-fratboy’s mansion, with a few decorations hanging from a small balcony, that looked horribly misplaced, but she thought that the last thing she could do was comment on his choosing in exterior design.

She moved to the door, having been told to ring the doorbell and ask for Sihtric, but she didn’t need to do much, because right after the doorbell had been rung, a tall guy was in front of her, looking very much unlike the nerdy hacker she had expected.

He looked actually handsome and for a moment she doublechecked the address, but it was right and the guy sent her a quick look examining her, before muttering a tight:

‘… you must be Ealhswith’ the way he spoke was measured and attentive, as if he didn’t get many chances to talk, but his voice had a pretty sound to, definitely reassuring ‘… can we walk a bit, meanwhile we talk about your problem? My house suddenly is… full’.

The way he said it told Ealhswith that he wasn’t in the slightest happy of that situation.

She just nodded, surprised by the fact that he didn’t look further than her face, focusing his gaze onto his own shoes.

That was strange since she knew for sure that men whenever they were informed of her profession wouldn’t stop looking at her body as if they could already see her naked.

The previous night she had sent Sihtric a small text, explaining him her situation, wanting to know whether he would be able to solve her problem or not, to which he had answered that he’d have to see and preferred to talk with her about it, if she was free the following day.

She had expected the ‘come on’s and some flirting pick-up lines, but he had just stayed professional, not saying a word more than he needed.

Something that was echoed with the way he moved, carefully, almost as if he wasn’t used to his body’s shape, having suddenly grown into it in one night.

They had moved onto the road, him moving by her side, with a lengthy distance, so that she could have her own privacy but at the same time, she couldn’t help but have this feeling that he was observing her, although Sihtric kept his eyes on the ground

Something she was used to.

But Sihtric seemed attentive not to be caught.

“… I was on a job…” she didn’t know why she felt suddenly ashamed of admitting that she worked as an escort, although she wasn’t for sure embarrassed of it.

But she hadn’t said much, if not nothing, to anyone that wasn’t in her same business, so suddenly speaking about it made her nervous, although she didn’t have nothing to hide.

“… a client took a video without my permission of us…” was she seriously blushing about it?

“… do you know with what he might have taken it?”.

She was glad for Sihtric’s technical question and not focusing on her ‘job’, but she was extremely worried of answering negatively, thinking it might have been important, so she simply shoook her head, adding:

“I do think that he had a secret camera, since he pushed his phone on the bedside table to check the hour…” she explained trying to remember the previous afternoon, as she scanned the room in her memory “… but I didn’t notice anything”.

“Technology sadly has become more and more discreet…” explained Sihtric “… so sadly I don’t blame you for not noticing that something was wrong”.

And although she hadn’t realized it, what he said made her feel a bit less guilty for the thing that had happened, the previous afternoon.

“… can I see the video?” this certainly got her to blush “… just to see if I can detect the model of the camera”.

Easlwith nodded, although she couldn’t help but be a bit skeptic about it.

Was he doing it because he needed it, or he wanted to try to catch the glimpse of some free porn?

Still she showed it to him, without the audio, and again Sihtric surprised her with simply checking the first scene, involving a simple exchange of curtesy between her and a client, and then paused the video

“… it is a camera, but nothing professional, which will make it easy to track down” he explained softly, before he asked if he could take the phone in his hands getting out his own and for a moment Ealhswith was scared shitless that he would have forwarded it to his own phone, but Sihtric simply clicked an app on his own phone, where a list of technology materials appeared and he searched through them, finding one and then pushing a few more buttons.

And Ealhswith didn’t understand much, although she thought she was good with her own computer, but Sihtric seemed to do it like it was the most common thing.

As if it was something that he definitely did daily, quickly clicking a few more apps, eventually settling himself up in what looked like somebody’s else computer and then with a click the video disappeared from her phone.

And Sihtric closed all the apps he had opened, before muttering as he dragged lazily his thumb on the screen as if it calmed him:

“I should have finished with this” and only five minutes had passed “… I am not sure that he doesn’t have copies saved on external pieces, but I have installed a virus in case he try to download them in the computers that will immediately delete them and will threaten of denouncing him to the police”.

Ealhswith truly didn’t know what to say, unable to grasp the fact that that thing that had been truly bothering her from last night, making her panic completely and worry for the worst was now… solved and finished.

And she’d never have to hear about that asshole.

Sihtric nodded, scratching lightly the back of his head, almost as if he didn’t know what to say, eventually again settling on his phone, as a notification appeared, and he simply shook lightly his head, although a small smirk appeared on his face.

A small handsome smirk.

“… how much… how much do I have to pay you?” she asked already ready for whatever sum might come her way.

Although she got paid quite well, she knew that hackers undoubtedly risked so much that they got paid quite well for doing it, but as Sihtric finally raised his head to meet her eyes, he simply shook his head.

“… don’t worry about it”.

She had expected him to ask a big sum of money, maybe enough that she would have to maybe consider pawning a few of her family jewels.

She had expected him to ask of being paid in a natural way, asking for her body in exchange for having saved her ass.

But she certainly hadn’t expected him to simply dismiss it as if he hadn’t probably committed a few federal crimes to avoid a revenge porn vide of her getting out of some asshole’s phone.

“Se… serio… seriously?” she now felt like the quiet one, as Sihtric did nod his head, almost as if this was the usual thing, and he put again the phone in his pockets, giving her back her own one, meanwhile she wondered where the trick was.

Had he saved a copy of the video on his phone?

Did he expect her to fall in love with him, after saving her as some kind of modern Cinderella?

Men, no matter what, always wanted something from women.

They thought that simply because they paid for them of paid things for them, they owned them and they could do whatever they wanted with them, no matter that they were in 2019 and there was a Third Wave Intersectional Feminism that worked towards erasing that concept.

So, Sihtric couldn’t be different.

She knew it

“… actually…” here comes the advances and the requests “… there is an ice cream place nearby, you can offer me an ice cream there, if you feel like you owe me something”.

She was surprised and not solely because of the fact that he wanted eat ice cream in full winter, but she hadn’t ever been treated with such kindness in and outside of her line of work by a man.

And she couldn’t help but be somehow fascinated by it, almost as if she was walking on a tightrope and although it was dangerous, it fascinated her with the beautiful view that it offered, two mismatched eyes holding a shyness in them that locked in everything they might have said.

She hadn’t had a big crush on everybody since for ever, but she couldn’t deny that Sihtric certainly was an interesting type.

And yet she wouldn’t have fallen for the knight in shining armor.

She didn’t trust those in the slightest..

But she was undoubtedly curious about what made the man in front of her.

“… then show me the way to the ice cream shop”.

The ice cream shop was cutsie place where she hadn’t certainly thought of meeting the smart hacker, his black clothes completely mismatched with the colorful place which Ealhswith appreciated.

There she was finally able to breath as she realized she was free.

She wouldn’t have been blackmailed anymore for that video.

And she wouldn’t have risked her whole career disappearing just because some man decided that he wanted more than she allowed.

… and it was all thanks to the dork in front of her playing around with his spoon in the ice cream cup he had chosen.

His cheeks were a bit brightened by the presence of sugar now in his blood, although he had already talked a bit during their trip to the ice cream parlor, alongside her.

And strangely not about her line of work.

Ice cream had been the main topic and almost as if they hadn’t just met each other that morning, he had teased her for liking vanilla, meanwhile she defended her beloved flavor with all heart, insisting that although it might have been plain… it never disappointed.

‘… you almost convinced me’ he uttered lightly, with a bright smile and for a moment she had thought of having witnessed a miracle, something that had probably taken all the energy he had in his own body, because he had stopped talking there and then.

She had offered the ice cream, and he had welcomed gladly the gesture, already choosing the flavors with big eyes of a child that had been denied a treat for so long.

And that was when she understood that he had also known poverty.

If not something worse.

But she hadn’t asked anything about it.

They had sat down in a corner, as Sihtric moved like he could map out this entire place with his own eyes closed and she followed him calmly, settling herself up in front of him, as she herself started munching on the top of the straw in her milkshake.

Vanilla flavored, indeed.

Again Sihtric seemed to want to shrink in himself again, and some part of Ealhswith, a math major with a pedagogy course in her system, couldn’t help but think that it must have been some gesture that he had started doing in infancy and kept on doing as a coping mechanism.

A defense mechanism.

“… I don’t think I have said it” she commented as a few of the last clients move outside, giggling happily “… but thank you for doing what you did, I truly appreciate it”.

“… it was a pleasure” although she didn’t notice any change in his voice, but he seemed almost to perk up at the comment, almost as if he hadn’t expected it.

“… and thank you for not judging me… I know that what I do isn’t the best…” she didn’t know why she had to say that, but all her life she had felt like she was guilty of something, although she had never admitted it.

She was comfortable having sex with men, simply for money and she was comfortable with knowing that, but strangely she had always felt like this should have made her feel guilty of some obscure and horrible secret.

… and it had indeed horridly impacted her thoughts and mental health, although she refused to admit it.

“… listen I have a friend who is a sugar baby, so believe me, I don’t judge you, in the slightest” his tone was low key calm, but there was sprinkle of humor in his mouth, not against her but she couldn’t help but feel a bit calmer… and more at ease “… I am glad to have helped you”.

“Can I… can I ask you what programs you used? To delete the image… ” the question was both out of curiosity and both because you wanted to be sure that the photo hadn’t been simply hidden or such, although you were relieved by the fact that that asshole didn’t have it anymore on his phone, you didn’t want any traces to have been left on Sihtric’s phone “… I don’t know much about computers, although I did a course or two…”.

And she was low key impressed by Sihtric’s ability.

“… oh it’s mostly through remote control it’s a…” and he seemed truly surprised when she named a computer program for it, but it wasn’t the ‘my male ego was wounded by your comment my sweet maiden’ surprise.

It was honest surprised.

Almost as if he seemed a child happy of having someone who wanted to play with him.

“… you have certainly done more than one course to know that name” he mumbled “… didn’t you think about solving the problem on your own?”.

He seemed truly enthralled by Ealhswith’s knowledge and she blushed under that mismatched and intense stare, almost unwanted and uncontrolled, as if he hadn’t noticed he was staring at her that strongly.

“… I just… I know the basilar things, not the… you know…” and she lowered her voice with a conspiratorial tone “… hacker stuff”.

He giggled at that comment, a truly boisterous laugh that made her smirk a bit.

And he then proceeded to explain to her what he had done, the honesty in his tone confirming the truth behind his words, but also the way he explained it to her, was extremely proper and as if he knew all about those things.

Showing her that he truly knew his job.

‘… how do you know all this stuff?’ she had once asked him in the middle of his explanation, and he had seemed almost ashamed of it, lightly backing away as if he was scared to show himself, having taken an uncertain forward step.

‘… internet’ he simply stated, but Eahlswith sure it wasn’t the entire truth.

But didn’t push further.

‘… what about you?’ he tried to shift the attention away from himself “... interested in computer sciences?”.

“Kind off… although… I actually study math” she explained “… I want to become a teacher… I always… I always had this horrible… horrible math teacher. He always said that girls… girls weren’t logical enough to study math… and little eight-year-old me wanted desperately to prove him wrong”.

A soft smile appeared on Sihtric’s face at that, almost as if he had been told the same and could relate to that.

“… he seems like a very horrible teacher”.

“I don’t want any girl to feel like they don’t have a chance to learn math, simply because they aren’t logical enough” she muttered tightly “… I want them to believe in themselves”.

“That’s very very cool”.

Sihtric’s tone was honest and impressed.

She blushed a bit, realizing about how much she had blabbered about her life to a complete stranger, although he had been the first one to listen without adding anything or any judgement which made him easy to talk to.

But Ealhswith wasn’t truly convinced about his intentions.

But the atmosphere grew much more relaxed and calmer, and by the end she was finished with her milkshake, just as Sihtric had ordered one of his own.

She couldn’t help but almost dread the thought of leaving him behind, although she didn’t have any other reason to stay.

She wanted to honestly to try to make him stay longer, maybe invite him out.

But men weren’t much different among themselves and in the end when they discovered what she truly did, they’d try to make her to stop and then fetishize her situation till it got ‘too boring’, discarding them with the excuse of ‘not being pure enough�� for a true relationship.

Good enough.

She had gone through it multiple times when she was younger, and then she had stopped dating.

And she didn’t want to ruin the nice image of Sihtric she had in her mind.

“… I have to go…” she commented in the end, knowing that she had to send the part of her thesis to her relator before tonight.

But her body didn’t seem to cooperate instead pushing itself to remain seated in front of Sihtric, who raised his head surprised before again his gaze became focused on everything but her.

“… I do understand it” he replied, and then he seemed to have an almost conflict with himself, before he bit down roughly on his lip, taking a decision “… I… I teach at a small course… on computers… nothing truly illegal, but if you are interested in deepening this I… you have certainly the brain for it”.

She was full on blushing now and she didn’t know why she nodded, but she did.

And now strangely she had a reason to see that strange hacker again.

And her heart fluttered at that.

And she wasn’t sure it was a good thing.

---

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blueberryraindrops · 4 years

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Blueberry’s Ultimate TUA Masterlist

KEY

Fics are organised alphabetically (articles e.g. ‘the’ will not count)

mostly gen and fiego fics

Download links are EPUB files only

authors can feel free to send me a msg if they want their fics’ download link taken down

Links are now unavailable on PC due to a Tumblr link limit (I also had no idea this was a thing, but apparently it is?)

Regular updates can be expected as long as I remain in the fandom

Last Update: 15/10/2020

FANFICTION

☁︎ actions are worth a thousand words by achilleees { E }

→ Download Here

“I think it would be best if we keep up the ruse for a short while longer,” Five said. “For the sake of time-space continuity.”

“Oh, so Klaus was right before, huh?” Diego said. “The fabric of the universe unravels if my hairdresser knows we’re not boning?”

☁︎ Adventures In Childhood [Series] by just_a_sunflower_girl { G / Partially WIP }

→ Download Here

Five really should have guessed that something would go wrong. The universe hated him, it was an abject fact. And right now, Five hated the universe right back.

The commission turns Five into a four year old, hoping it will make him easier to kill.

☁︎ all dressed up and naked by cathect { E }

→ Download Here

The skirt hanging off of it is pleated and pale pink, with two white stripes near the hem— like a cheerleader might wear, Diego thinks wildly— and Five looks almost awed. Diego doesn’t want to assume anything by an expression alone, but he can’t quite help it.

Before he can stop himself, the words are tumbling out. “That would look good on you.”

Or, the one where diego fucks five while he's wearing a skirt.

☁︎ another cog in the murder machine by Ford_Ye_Fiji { T }

→ Download Here

Five finally gets the breakdown he deserves

☁︎ As I Want You to Hear Me by karcheri { E }

→ Download Here

“It’s hard to explain.”

“Try me.”

Five sighs.

“I’m trying to prove that our current timeline has branched off from it’s initial trajectory by such a large margin that it could only have been caused by the existence of unknown variables interrupting the timeline at non-linear points throughout history. I believe that we are living in...let’s call it timeline 2.0.”

“I don’t understand,” Diego says. Nutcase, he thinks. Insanely hot nutcase.

This time Five smirks at him, looking bratty and arrogant and entirely too sharp; “I know you don’t.”

Or: What I like to imagine alternate/Sparrow Academy timeline 2019 Five and Diego are up to

☁︎ Bizarre For You Is Normal For Us by pupeez4eva { G }

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“I think he’s talking to himself again,” Ashley said, leaning forward. “Okay yeah he is — oh my god, is that kid talking to the mannequin?”

Maggie shot a glance behind her. Yes, the boy was talking to the top half of a mannequin.

“I love working here,” Ashley breathed.

Wherein Klaus, Dave, Five and Dolores go on a double date, and people are confused and very concerned.

☁︎ Blink by Lady_Origami { G }

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When Five blinks, sometimes he's back in the world of ash and embers. It's hard to remember how to breathe when that happens. In which Klaus tries to play the role of supportive brother with Ben's help, and Five struggles more than he lets on.

☁︎ Blood like Lemonade by Ford_Ye_Fiji { T }

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Hunting high and low to seek revenge, Brand new moral code, got made reluctant renegade. Leaving empty souls when he avenged, Evil spirits flowed he drank the blood like lemonade.

Five's sordid past comes to light in, quite possibly, the most unpleasant way

☁︎ Bloom by jenpix { E }

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The first thing he noticed was the heat. A sudden, overwhelming heat. It started by his neck, his throat tightening, cutting off oxygen to his brain. The heat spread lower, permeating throughout his chest and abdomen, focusing and growing in his groin. Every inch of his skin was on fire. He couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t think. He needed something- anything- to relieve the ache that had abruptly settled in his bones. Lust utterly consumed him.

“Something’s wrong.” Diego concluded.

☁︎ Call Me Wild Thing by Electra_XT { E }

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“Diego’s been screwing guys who look exactly like you,” Klaus said.

“True,” Five said.

“He acts embarrassed when you encounter him with one of these lookalikes,” Klaus said.

“True,” Five said.

“You want to bang him,” Klaus said.

Five hesitated.

☁︎ Comes And Goes (In Waves) [Series] by hujwernoo { M }

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The apocalypse happens, Five arrives in the rubble, and his entire family is dead.

However, one of them has power over ghosts. And even if being dead seriously sucks sometimes, Klaus is going to be there for his brother.

☁︎ Dead Aren't Good Company, The by RosyPages { G }

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They’d been back in time for less than a month when their father forced Klaus back into the mausoleum.

But maybe this time his family can do the right thing.

☁︎ Details [Series] by VeteranKlaus { T }

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The last time Klaus saw his siblings was at Allison and Patrick's wedding. A lot had changed since then; including the not-so-accidental, irreversible loss of his sight.

There's no time to tell them that, though. Not with the return of their long-presumed-dead brother and the impending apocalypse. Plus, it doesn't matter. He's got Ben as a good seeing-eye ghost.

☁︎ Digging Up The Past by FiveUmbrellaAcademy { E / WIP }

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"You want to roleplay me being raped." Five muses, stirring his margarita. He plucks out the tiny umbrella and leaves it abandoned on the edge of the table.

Diego splutters, before glancing wildly over his shoulders.

Five and Diego are in a busy bar, and Diego had absentmindedly suggested Five looking particularly hot, especially when he's pliant, almost as if he's being -

"What the fuck? Shut up, Five." Diego hisses, eyes darting around. "Anyone can hear you."

Five says nothing.

Or: Unfortunately, the roleplay triggers a memory Five desperately wishes he'd forget.

☁︎ do androids dream of electric sheep? by the_crownless_queen { T }

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Number Four is crying, and Grace was made to care for those children.

In which Grace was created to protect the children of the Academy. Even, as it turns out, from their father.

☁︎ don't waste your time (or time will waste you) by rosewitchx { T }

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He was an old man. He is sixteen. Ben dies next week. How does he know that?

“I think I broke it,” Five stutters, and for the first time in her short life Vanya sees absolute terror in his eyes.

Or, Five travels back again. Something goes wrong.

☁︎ Dulce Periculum (Danger Is Sweet) by Anonymous { E }

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Klaus swallows heavily.

He brings up the hand that says “Goodbye” on the palm up to Five's hair and rakes his fingers through the strands. When Klaus is blessed with a high pitched whine, he knows he's done for.

or: Five wants something stronger than alcohol.

☁︎ Fighting (Pre)Determinism by chibi_tantei { T / WIP }

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They go back in time, determined to rewrite their own family history. Only problem is, only one of them looks the proper age to get near their younger selves.

Or, six months after Five stormed out, determined to time travel, he returns home. His siblings are happy to have him back, but he's acting differently...

(Or, Five goes undercover as himself. Twice the siblings should make saving the world easier, right? Yet somehow, he's only now realizing how many issues his family has to fix.)

☁︎ Five and Dave's Life Changing (Life Saving) Field Trip by neuronary { T }

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The little boy, who Dave could now see was not as little as he’d first thought, shoved a tin mug at him. “Drink this.”

Dave drank. It tasted sickly sweet and slightly citrus-y. “Who are you?”

“Five.” The boy’s scowl deepened at Dave’s confusion. “Klaus’ brother.”

Or, Five saves Dave's life to stop Klaus from moping. From Dave's perspective, a very grouchy, sleep-deprived twelve-year-old kidnaps him and he finds it much more entertaining than he should.

☁︎ Five And Diego Take Ukraine by yawarakai { G }

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It’s definitely her. She's around fifty, and striking – Diego can see where his brother gets his features. Light skin, grey eyes, hair dark and straight, slim. She’s a carbon copy of the boy standing before her.

“Da?” Five’s mother asks warily.

☁︎ Forward Trajectory by karcheri { M }

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“Ha ha,” the cop replies,” How’s your little troupe of nerds today anyways?”

His Professor groans, burying his face in the man’s neck and Nick winces. He should’ve anticipated that answer.

“That bad, huh?”

Or: Every semester students work themselves to the bone to score the highest mark on Professor Five's final project.

☁︎ Ghost Math by pinstripedJackalope { G }

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Number Five needs a new hobby now that the apocalypse is off. He decides to help Klaus--and in turn maybe he'll help himself.

☁︎ game of waiting, a by sky_blue_hightops { G }

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He was always the fastest. He always beat the others up the stairs, down the halls, through time and space. If there's one lesson he's learned, it's that there's always a finish line. A stopping place. Blood bubbles from between his fingers, and suddenly there's no air in his lungs.

Five jumps in front of a bullet. He calls it quick reflexes. Diego calls it stupidity.

☁︎ Gift-Wrapped by punk_rock_yuppie { E }

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Diego discovers Five's secret.

☁︎ god-intoxicated by chrysostomos (nantes) { E }

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Of all the things Diego expected to get dragged into this month, meeting a mythological witch, finding out Five is married, and rescuing him from his unwanted sun god husband were not on the list.

☁︎ handling myself by achilleees { E }

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Five pressed his lips together. “I advise against… touching them with your bare hands,” he said, taking the pills out of his pocket and dropping them into Diego’s gloved palm. “It would be unwise.”

In the light streaming from the Academy windows, Diego could see the sheen of sweat on his skin, trickling down his temple.

“Oh my god,” Diego said, starting to laugh.

☁︎ Happy Accidents by Starrstruck_64 { G }

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You’re making a mess, is what Diego wants to snap back. Instead he hears his mom’s voice clear as day say ‘boys will be boys’ and without thinking he’s moving on autopilot.

Diego can feel his hands clenching rhythmically at his sides before he’s moving forward to take the bowl from Klaus and ripping the apron off in one smooth motion. Discarding the bowl to the side he works on getting the strings untangled and slips the apron over his own clothes.

“Out.”

He has so much work to do. The pancake is beyond salvaging, the kitchen is a mess, and he’s fairly certain the batter is inedible.

Aka: the fic where Diego’s mothering instincts go wild

☁︎ haven't you heard of meditation? by rosesareredvioletsareblue { T }

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"Klaus, you have a piece of glass sticking out of your neck!"

Klaus felt for the glass, wincing as he found it.

"Oh yeah. Fun." It took all of Five's willpower not to throttle him.

☁︎ Hidden Variables Theory, The by siriuspiggyback { T }

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Something has disturbed the space-time continuum, and it's up to Five to figure out what it is.

With a bit of luck, and a lot of alcohol, he might even manage to do it before he snaps and murders his siblings.

☁︎ Honey and Vinegar by JayTRobot { M }

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The Handler sends Five on a mission only he can complete - to seduce a known pedophile for information. Then kill him.

Five doesn't appreciate playing the honeypot.

☁︎ I Want It (I Got It) by Electra_XT { E }

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“Oh, Christ,” Five said, starting to grin. “Diego, no. Don’t tell me you’re actually into being called—”

“Shut up,” Diego muttered.

“It’s not sexy,” Five said. “It’s cliche and corny and macho and self-aggrandizing, and I’m disappointed in you.” He waited a beat. “Daddy.”

☁︎ i'm gonna be here til i'm nothing (but bones in the ground) by iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid { T }

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Someone definitely just punched him in the chest, right? That’s the reason for that feeling? Or that last batch of pills had something seriously off-label mixed into them. Because there’s no way. There’s no fucking way.

He squeezes his eyes shut until dots burst behind his eyelids, but when he opens them, the hallucination doesn’t go away.

“… Five?”

☁︎ I'm The Daddy? by TUA (IAMS) { G / WIP }

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Five spends fifteen years in the apocalypse and two years working for the Temps Commission before breaking his contract and time traveling back to the year 2003; just a year after he originally went missing.

According to his calculations, wiping Reginald's existence from the timeline means the apocalypse never occurs. But of course, this leaves several newly orphaned fourteen year olds in his care.

Let the family bonding and therapy ensue.

☁︎ if the sky comes falling down by synchronicities { T }

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The equations are still wrong.

In 2002, Number Seven wonders why her siblings are acting odd.

(Or, the post-finale “Vanya doesn’t remember the time travel” fic)

☁︎ If You're Different And You Know It (you're not alone) by M3zzaTh3M3z { T }

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Five was different. He’d always known. Different from most people, what with his freakish birth, powers and unconventional upbringing, all that old news. And different from his siblings. He was smarter. His powers were stronger. And he’d never picked a name. All that was old news too. But there was something else that separated him from the rest, something he didn’t know how to put a finger on, how to categorize, analyse, understand. Five didn’t like not understanding. It was probably Klaus that made him first notice something was off.

☁︎ Is the sadness everlasting? (love, I think it is) by ArmedWithMyComputer { T }

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A look into what Klaus' newly discovered ability could mean for the siblings.

Diego could feel his whole body trembling as he faced the ghosts, only able to take shallow breaths as he struggled to process the true horror of what he was seeing.

And then they started howling.

The sound pierced though his stupor and forced him to his knees instantly. It was like nothing Diego had ever experienced before, and he was consumed with the intensity and overwhelmed by a deep chilling fear. It felt as though his mind had been taken over and all he could hear was the shrieks of grief, more intense than any emotion he had ever felt.

☁︎ It Does(n't) Matter by MYSTERYstew { T }

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It’s a familiar feeling, being lifted up by Luther and tossed around like he weighs nothing (to Luther he certainly does), it was a favorite move of Luther’s as a child. Nostalgia is not what Five feels, he’s too busy flailing as Luther throws him over the railing.

or, Five fails a jump

☁︎ Jealousy Sucks by FiveUmbrellaAcademy { E / WIP }

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"God, Diego." Five rubbed his temples, sounding exasperated. "He's our brother."

"I'm your brother, too." Diego blurts out. Fuck, now he's sounding like an insecure, whiny boyfriend. Perfect.

Five just stares back at Diego, his eyebrows burrowing.

At the physical age of seventeen, Five has, in Klaus' words, grown up hot.

☁︎ Just One Minute by willowhisperer { T }

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Five holds up his end of the deal, soaked in blood. The Handler decides to toy with him a little while longer.

Maybe it's revenge, maybe she's riding the high of her shiny new position as head of the Commission.

Really, she just wants to win, once and for all.

☁︎ Kinktober Day 12 - Crossdressing by Multifangirl69 { E }

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The Umbrella Academy Kinktober Fest//Day 12

☁︎ Kitten Socks by sky_blue_hightops { G }

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Klaus's lost his favorite pair of socks (again) (Ben shut up) and finds them in an unexpected place.

☁︎ Lessons 'verse [Series] by Soulykins { T }

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Five was maybe four years old when he figured out that he was pretty much ride or die for his siblings. He was also four when he figured out that in the Umbrella Academy, you could never let Reginald Hargreeves figure out what you loved lest he use it against you. There was safety in aloof indifference, more than could be found anywhere else under their roof.

Five times Five Hargreeves protected his siblings the best ways he could, and the one time he failed.

☁︎ Lethe by shoelaces { T }

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Le·the | A river in Hades whose waters cause drinkers to forget their past.

Or: Five loses his memories instead of Vanya, and it falls to his siblings to raise a superpowered teenager in the 1960s, all whilst preserving their own new lives and preventing yet another apocalypse.

☁︎ Like an abyss by fridayyy { T }

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For the second time, Five has to (gets to?) grow up.

☁︎ Like Oxygen by sevansa { T }

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Klaus's powers may be a bit more extensive than just seeing the dead, he's not sure what to do about that.

The one where Klaus's power is not ghosts, but souls and that makes a hell of a difference.

☁︎ master of my domain by achilleees { E }

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“You’re asking five 13-year-old boys not to jerk off for – it can’t be done,” Luther says. “Now that we’re older, it would be different, but back then –”

“Excuse me, I could do it,” Five says. “I could certainly outlast all of you.”

They all look at each other.

“Oh, no,” says Allison.

☁︎ Meet the Hargreeves Siblings by AmyR { G }

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Klaus is found passed out by a confused Patch and Beaman. When Diego comes to get him, refusing to divulge who the unconcious man was, things get weird. At least the first time. The second time, it was a different person. And then the third. Then the fourth.

Until finally, explanations are demanded.

☁︎ Mellow Rays of a Departing Sun [Series] by Emotionally_Detached (Yeah_Toast) { T }

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He makes it. He time travels and makes it through another apocalypse. He makes it, but his siblings don't.

His siblings don't make it, except he's in his own childhood and they're still here, alive and thirteen and he can fix things.

He will fix things

☁︎ Midmorning Coffees and Therapy Sessions by wereworm { G }

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Local woman working at coffeeshop accidentally adopts a child and gives advice with a focus on getting closer to siblings when she, herself, has a sub-optimal relationship with her sister.

Or the time Five went to get a good cup of coffee and ended up slowly befriending the barista while trying to reconnect with the siblings he hasn't seen since his childhood without the looming threat of the apocalypse anymore.

☁︎ most dangerous place in the world, the [Series] by Princess_Sarcastia { T }

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"Grace is the third model in a series created by and for Sir Reginald. She has access to the knowledge obtained by her predecessors in their time assisting Sir Reginald in his many endeavors.

All three of them were primarily designed as protectors. Do no harm, just as Mr. Asimov said!

But Grace is slightly different."

[priority one: protect the children]

☁︎ Need a Vacation by Electra_XT { E }

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“You ready for a relaxing weekend at the beach?” Diego said.

“Thrilled,” Five said, looking down at the map in his hands. “A relaxing weekend of hunting down a hired killer and pretending I’m dating my brother.”

☁︎ New Life, A by BirdInTheCave { T }

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Allison had convinced Ray to come back to 2019 with her and her family and after a month of being cooped up in the house with the other Hargreeves plus their own unconventional guests, Ray suggests they spend some time alone. He's still struggling to fully comprehend the new world he's stepped into but he's determined that with Allison at his side he can get used to anything. Allison can't find a reason to say no. She should have said no.

Luckily for her, Five will always be there for his family, now that he's back.

☁︎ Next time, hire a nanny by TheArchaeologist { M }

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While the rest of his family go out to Vanya’s concert for the evening, Five, still recovering from the remains of a lingering chest infection, agrees to watch Claire. He is fifty-nine, he can handle a little girl for the night.

Everything goes fine.

Until it very much doesn't.

☁︎ Not my body, not my life (But I am here) by Panonnymous_Bloom { G }

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He wasn't going to explain to Diego why exactly he was following Allison's every move with his eyes because he didn't own anybody any explanations, especially not his simpleton of a brother who seemed to think that every Alpha was going to pounce on Allison at the first sign of any heat.

Allison's decision to spend her heat in the house leads Five to a small realization - and even smaller desire - but he will kill a thousand men before admitting to it.

☁︎ Not with me by ClaraCivry (Kat_Of_Dresden) { T }

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They never asked if any of that blood was his. Five is bleeding, and he is also giving up.

AU to 2X07, with hurt Five because after all that boy has been through...

☁︎ Number Five | And The Things that Make Him Tick [Series] by Kraeyola { T }

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It's only been two weeks for him.

AKA: Five succumbs to two weeks worth of badly cared for (physical and emotional) injuries, and ends up extremely feverish.

☁︎ On My Terms by CivilBores { T }

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“I did what you asked,” he tells her. “Now, the briefcase.”

Her eyebrows raise in mock-surprise, red lips curling up her face in a sadistic smile.

“You didn’t think that was all, did you?” she asks.

AU: The Handler gives Five a slightly different deal.

☁︎ On This Day In History by telm_393 { M }

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Five had a...special relationship with the Handler during his time at the Commission, or maybe he didn’t. After the apocalypse doesn’t happen, he tries to order his memories of the last few years while also actively suppressing them. It goes badly.

His siblings are worried, and genuinely want to help. They are not unsuccessful.

☁︎ Out of My Mind by Electra_XT { E }

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“What happened?” Diego said. He looked down at himself. “Am I hurt?”

What happened? echoed a voice from the back of his head.

☁︎ Outside, For the First Time by Trees_Frogs_andPotentially_Treefrogs { G }

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Grace is torn between her programming to obey the rules set by Mr. Hargreeves, and her duty to the children, and decides that being a person is self determined.

☁︎ Partners, Parents, or None of the Above by DarkFairytale { T }

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Kenny's mom assuming that Diego and Klaus were A) a couple and B) Number Five’s parents was both bemusing and amusing at the time. But that was because it was the only time it had ever happened. Now though? Now they just can't understand why these misunderstandings keep happening.

☁︎ Raising the Bar by Electra_XT { E }

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Five looked ten years older. He was still youthful, early twenties, but he had suddenly and visibly become an adult. Diego had braced himself for… something, but not this. He was dressed heartbreakingly preppy— neatly tailored slacks, a shirt that fit him like it was made for him, and a casual blazer. Diego hadn’t known a blazer could be casual before, but the way Five wore the linen jacket made it seem genuinely effortless.

Of all the ways this new body thing could have gone, Diego didn’t expect him to be hot.

☁︎ rude awakening by Soulykins { T / WIP }

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When Five wakes up, he just knows someone is in the room with him. Of course, even he didn't except to come face to face with the Handler who he'd thought to be very very dead. And he especially didn't expect her to break into his room and watch him sleep while waiting for him to wake up.

It's very fortunate that Diego and Klaus show up to wake him up and take offense to some random lady in the same room as their very uncomfortable, very thirteen-year-old brother.

☁︎ Screaming in the Face of Communication by papayaromantic { T }

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It's not that he doesn't want to pay attention to Five, just that he seriously can't hear what the boy is saying past the wailing of the torn apart woman in front of him.

☁︎ Second First Time by venDi { E }

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Five spent his early years learning about Alpha biology -- and he knows, recognizes the sudden shift in his family's scent, that his heat has sent them all into a very, very early rut.

☁︎ Servus by Anonymous { E }

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"They had been given a chance to start over, all of them, together. At least, that’s what Five intended, when he pulled he and his siblings from imminent death...He had watched his siblings be swept back to their collective childhood, armed with the knowledge of what was to come, and how to prevent it. He, on the other hand, had ended up somewhere entirely different."

Five receives one, final business proposal from the Handler, and her methods of persuasion are far from conventional.

☁︎ Shadow Elixir, The by Phantom_Vidar { E / WIP }

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With the apocalypse averted the Hargreeves attempt to rebuild their lives and transition into something that resembles a fraction of normalcy. A year later and strange visions start appearing to Klaus, of a dark space contaminated by souls bygone and a voice who aches to be free; especially Ben's. The apocalypse has passed but now another disaster awaits— one that Diego and Five might have accidentally walked into.

Alternatively: Diego and Five have sex and coincidentally start the next stage of the end of the world.

☁︎ shaking like I shook before by Anonymous { T }

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Five tries to deal with it alone, until he learns that he doesn’t have to.

☁︎ skirts and sweaters by slightlyworriedhuman { T }

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"I don't want to be a ‘cute little schoolboy’ anymore, alright?” Five snapped. For some reason, the thought of himself as a schoolboy was enough to make his skin prickle. Was it the implication that he was younger than the rest of them, less mature despite his life?

...Yeah, it was definitely that. Absolutely.Five wants a change in wardrobe. His siblings are more than happy to help.

☁︎ small changes by calypso42 { T }

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“I need to ask you something.” He set down the large stack of books he was carrying beside him. Klaus glanced at a few of the titles - Consciousness in the Brain - Memory & the Role of the Hippocampus - Soul vs. Matter: A Comprehensive Look at the Origins of Sentience - and grimaced.

“Are you… having an existential crisis, or something? Because I am possibly the worst person you could go to for that.”

...

When Five goes to Klaus to ask him something about his powers, Klaus doesn’t think much of it. At least, until he realizes that what he thought was simple curiosity was actually deeper than that, leading to a revelation about Five himself.

☁︎ Snacktime. [Series] by HotCocoaaa { G }

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There was a wolf spider, just, chilling on the table that morning when Diego came down for breakfast. A...a really big wolf spider. Just...a real hunk of a thing.

(“You...you just….you just ate a spider.” He murmured.)

It didn't end well.

☁︎ Special punishment by Anonymous { M }

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Five was the only one with a tattoo on his rib

☁︎ sweater weather by KittenAnarchy { G }

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Number Five, a dryer, and his first blink.

☁︎ take shelter by aloneintherain { T }

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AU where the apocalypse doesn’t follow the Hargreeves to the 1960s. Without the threat of nuclear annihilation hanging over their heads, the siblings can take the time to be a family again.

Until they find out that the Handler has been blackmailing Five.

☁︎ There are Stones in my Stomach and Worms on my Plate by TheArchaeologist { M }

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If you ever need a crash diet, try the apocalypse. It is fat free, dairy free, lacking in all the vital vitamins and minerals, and totally organic.

After all, look at Five. Weeks after stopping the apocalypse and he still can’t finish a plate of food.

☁︎ there is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends by Drhair76 { G }

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"What's this?" He said pointing a finger at the bread and peanut butter that was laid across the table top.

Five rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "What do you think. It's a sandwich."

"Oh?" Klaus reached out a hand to brush the sleeve of his beloved hoodie. "And what's this?"

or, the one where Klaus 'loses' a hoodie, Five gets a hug and Ben is proud.

☁︎ they could care less (as long as someone'll bleed) by Ford_Ye_Fiji { M }

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Number Five is cornered once again by commission agents, but this time with his family.

Diego and Klaus learn something about their littlest-oldest brother.

☁︎ this is a bad town (for such a pretty face) by luciimariiellii { T }

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Five’s gone. (How the Hargreeves cope, and how they reunite.)

☁︎ time on my hands by achilleees { E }

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“If you orgasm, you’ll die,” Five said with a grimace.

Diego’s eyes went wide.

“Bet you wish you’d just been sterilized now,” Five said.

☁︎ Timelines 1-2.1 [Series] by dgalerab { M / Partially WIP }

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As the world ends, Five takes his siblings back into their child bodies on the day he originally left. With the knowledge of how the world ends fresh in their minds, the Hargreeves siblings do what they can to leave clues for their past selves on how to grow up a little less fucked up before returning to the present.

A present where they all have different lives they can't remember, there's a fun new apocalypse on the way, and Reginald Hargreeves remembers the day where all his children suddenly and inexplicably lost their minds and all respect for him at once a little too well.

☁︎ to unexplain the unforgivable by darkviverna { T }

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Ability to see the dead and having a temporal assassin for a brother don’t mix well.

☁︎ Too Much Too Little by 1spideyson { T }

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Five says nothing on the ride back, just gently presses the tips of thin fingers to his eyes and temples like his head is a new instrument he’s learning to play. Like he’s searching for the right notes.

Diego tries not to cast too many worried glances the boy’s way, but when Five crawls into Diego’s bed, shaking and grey, he can’t stop himself from speaking up.

A look at Five and Diego's relationship through a h/c lens.

☁︎ Too Old To Be So Young by KaseyBeth { T }

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Five winced loudly, pushing his head off the floor to see bright red smeared across his chest and stomach; crimson soaked into his shorts, running down his leg. His head fell back against the ground dizzyingly, and he groaned as someone touched the wound, biting his bottom lip as he tried to stay conscious. The end of life, of everything, was in three days; they didn’t have time for this, he didn’t have time for this. A bullet wound, a stupid bullet wound and all that stupid concern and worry, was just going to slow them down. There wasn’t time for mistakes, or hiccups, or rest and recovery. It was the end of the fucking world.

☁︎ trans diego & child five [Series] by iamnotalizard { G }

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eudora and beaman are surprised to find out diego has a kid; they're more surprised when they see what their relationship is like

☁︎ traumaversary by WeWalkADifferentPath { T }

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It follows him like an unscratched itch. Under his skin, over his body, around his energy, like a mosquito that won’t leave him the fuck alone.

April 1st. April 1st. April 1st.

(A character study of Five, with some inevitable family feels, in honour of March 24th).

☁︎ two can be as bad as one by myeyesarenotblue { M }

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“Five, sweet little Five” Klaus says, from where he’s sitting cross-legged on the floor, next to one of the living room’s couches, instead of sitting on it like a normal person. “We love you but what the fuck”

Five growls, like he’s a dog or something. “It should correct itself”

☁︎ Uncle Five PT1 by glitched-coffee { G }

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Allison has to take care of Claire without warning the others but its all fine and dandy until Claire thinks she’s old enough to hear everything about Five. She’s seven.

☁︎ Unexpected Future, An by aseies { T / WIP }

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“I’m sure you’re looking forward to finding a way back to your own time as soon as possible,” Nedzu said. “I want you to know that U.A. will do everything in its power to help you achieve that goal. Time travel is a complicated equation to solve, but I’m sure if we put our heads together we’ll come up with something!”

Five raised a skeptical eyebrow. “And you’re just going to do that out of the goodness of your heart? I’m not even old enough for high school yet.”

“Well, we’re all heroes for a reason, no? What good are we if we can’t help a single child in need?” Nedzu pointed out with a pleasantly neutral smile as he sipped his tea.

OR: Instead of time traveling into the apocalypse, thirteen-year-old Five Hargreeves teleports in the middle of the USJ fight.

He gets a couple of new dads out of it.

☁︎ Vital Signs by aye_of_newt { M }

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Sometimes, it's difficult for Klaus to tell if someone is alive or dead.When Five shows up, covered in blood after killing the Board, Klaus panics.

☁︎ walls kept tumbling down, the by Ingu { T }

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It started small.

There was a nagging ache in his chest, phantom pain from where the bullets had pierced his flesh, in the overwritten timeline that never will be.

(the one where rewinding time doesn't miraculously resolve mortal gunshot wounds)

☁︎ We All Deserve Second Chances (but don't repeat your mistakes) by justarandomword, wolvesandnovas { T }

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Time-travelling gave Ben a second chance at life. He's not about to let Reginald Hargreeves ruin that for him and Klaus.

(a.k.a. Reginald takes Klaus' dog tags and the aftermath.)

☁︎ we didn't choose this life, we're just (kind of) living it [Series] by noodlerdoodler { T / Partially WIP }

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Five couldn’t move, standing by and watching complacently, as his younger brother grabbed him roughly by the front of his sweater. It was like he was watching a play he wasn't apart of, yet that was definitely his small body being tossed over the balcony. No doubt, Luther thought that he would just jump out of the way. He'd always jumped out of the way, sometimes without even meaning to, but now visions of a world on fire flashed through his head as his body plummeted towards the ground. Seemingly, he was tumbling through the air in slow motion and absentmindedly, Five wondered if this was his life flashing before his eyes. All he saw was the desolate world he’d left behind weeks ago.

When Five hit the ground, it was with a sickening cracking noise.

“Oh my god, Luther, what have you done?”

☁︎ with two arms by karcheri { T }

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What it comes down to, really, is that Five had been too eager for results. Once it became clear to him that there was a connection between his powers and his energy level the obvious course of action, as he saw it, was to test this information. The hypothesis was this: higher energy levels = stronger powers and the easiest way to get more energy is to eat more. Pretty simple stuff. Too simple.

or Five times that Five starves himself and one time that he gets called out on it.

☁︎ world of options, a by achilleees { E }

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“So did you ask Five about me?” Klaus asked.

“Was I supposed to do that?” Diego said.

“You are the worst fucking wingman,” Klaus said.

☁︎ year that wasn't, the by achilleees { E }

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Diego turned to Five. “I’ve already, uh, lived today. This has already happened.”

Everyone went still.

“Ooh, that’s a mind-fuck,” said Klaus.

☁︎ you from yesterday by questors (sieges) { T }

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The difference between who his siblings once were and who they are now.

☁︎ You Put Your Head In My Hands by shadowsapiens { M }

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“I need a favor.” Five scrambles to his feet, fluffy dark tail lashing behind him. “Don’t worry, it’s not the apocalypse.”

☁︎ You Shook Me All Night Long by Persephxneeee { M }

→ Download Here

Diego was right, Five thinking too much sometimes.

☁︎ zero to sixty by achilleees { E }

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“Man, have you seen me?” said Diego. “Are you really that surprised?”

Oh, Five thought.

“Seems right,” said Klaus, pleased. “Other than the turtlenecks. Very hard to take you seriously as a Dom in the turtlenecks.”

#the umbrella academy #tua #fic rec #masterlist #blueberry's fic recs

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ridiculousyoungicarus · 3 years

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Self Para 002: Cry Me a River TWs: Alcohol, Alcoholism, Alcohol Abuse, GRAPHIC Suicidal Ideation, HIV, Zander is a dick Word Count: 3,247 Setting: From immediately following the Thanksgiving Picnic until after the event has been concluded on Luxor’s Blenheim, New Zealand campus. Notes: If you have NOT looked at the posters previously posted onto this blog, you need to look at those first and then come back to this. Zander’s text thread from the event with Elliot also gets explained in this, as that was going on in the middle of all this crap. Sorry I had to complicate the Luxor Extended Universe this time, folks.

Once the initial shock wore off, the rage settled in. Zander was pacing around his common room, whipping his head to glare at whoever was stupid enough to open the door to the room. Now wasn’t time. He didn’t want to talk. But when he realizes it’s Ches he pauses, “what do you want?”

“To figure out what the fuck is going on with you. You’ve been grouchy all afternoon, more so than normal.” Her movements are cautious as she turns to close the door behind her and slowly walks into the room. “Is it because I made you talk to your brother? Because I swear I was only trying to help.” He had barely remembered she’d done that, it felt like a lifetime ago, but it’d only been a little over a day. Two?

He takes a deep breath, opening his arms to her as he speaks. “I’m not mad at you.” But she doesn’t come to him, and instead opts to settle herself onto his couch, pulling her knees up to her chest. “I swear it’s got nothing to do with you, stop giving me that look.”

“I’m not giving you a look! I just feel like shit, and maybe fixing your problems will fix me. Okay?” She snaps back at him, and usually he’d pause and try to figure out why she felt so broken, try to take on whatever she was upset about. But, tonight he had bigger priorities and he sat down next to her on the couch, patting her knee a bit awkwardly before he just comes out and says it.

“I found out who gave Balo HIV.”

He wasn’t expecting how defeated his tone would be at the confession, but it made sense. And for a minute he watched Ches try to figure out who it could be. “So it was your dad?” She guesses, after a few moments. Wouldn't that be the better alternative?

He thinks back to his conversation with Claire, the way he’d tried to defend Jack. How he actually hadn’t wanted it to be Jack, for once in his life. After all, why wouldn’t he tell them? He claimed he cared so much about Balo, and in spite of the fact before this he had been starting to trust him when he said it, now Zander called bullshit on that now more than ever. If he cared about Balo, he would have told her the truth. He would have been there for her, supported her instead of just leaving her alone in the dark terrified. No, Jack didn’t care. He never had about anyone, and he never would.

“Jack. His mother told me-” “His mother is dead, Zan. Jack doesn’t like it when people call Claire his mum.”

“Does it matter what Jack likes? Claire told me he said he gave Balo HIV himself, that he’s been lying about his status the entire fucking time. Who knows what the fuck he’s given to Juliet... you’re probably safe, you’ve been on prep but it’s beyond fucked up, he still won’t tell Balo, and according to Claire he won’t.” He groans, leaning back into the couch. He had no idea what to do, how to handle it. “I’ve never hated him more than I do now.”

The girl beside him starts to move, and he raises an eyebrow at her as she goes into his cupboards trying to find something. “God, we might as well be drinking rubbing alcohol but it’ll do.” She huffs, but she still pops the cork on his cooking wine and brings it over, taking a long chug of it before she offers it to him. She seriously couldn’t expect him to drink that crap, right? But as he looks at the bottle, he reaches out to take it from her, taking a long sip of it himself and making a face as he offers it back. “Don’t tell Elliot I’m doing this.”

“Wouldn't dream of it.” He didn’t see why he’d have any reason to tell, although he doubted Elliot would believe him even if he did. It seemed like assurance enough for the redhead as she takes the bottle back from him and chugs more as she sits down beside him again. Maybe he should be trying to stop her, but he didn’t have a fight with her in him currently. It wasn’t as if he’d win it anyway, he’d tried. She never seemed to cared when someone told her to cut it out. “I don’t know how we’ll get through to Balo, she needs to know.”

“Can you let me get drunk first before we discuss this shit?” She groans. Was her alcohol really more important than Balo? He raises an eyebrow at her as he stares at her, and after a few moments she sets the bottle of wine down next to her. “Nothing sends a message better than revenge? I don’t know, Zan. I can barely handle my own shit lately. If I could put posters up all over the school telling everyone but you, Elli, Sky, and Balo to leave me the fuck alone until after I’m dead, I would.”

“Ches, if you’re not going to help me, go cry to Elliot. I can’t handle your shit right now either.” Zander reaches over to his cooking wine and steals another sip before he sets it back down. The wine really was awful. Why were they doing this to themselves again?

Still, she reaches out to grab the bottle again, cradling it close to her chest as she gives him a dirty look. “You can have it when I’m done, it’s my turn.” She hisses, “did you talk to Jack about this yet?”

“He doesn’t give a fuck, Ches. I don’t think he’ll ever tell her.” He explains as he reaches out to take the bottle from her. Maybe it wasn’t fair to withhold the fact he hadn’t even tried, but Jack had months to tell. If he could lie straight to everyone’s faces in the aftermath, it was easy to assume he wouldn’t ever care enough to tell the truth. And he knows the look on her face as she continues to hold onto the wine bottle, as if it was the most precious thing in the world, and moves away from him to keep him from taking it. The way the rage sparked up in her eyes, an expression that usually even made him step back in fear. But for once, the intense flash of anger was welcome. He needed it.

“I said it’s mine! I want it!” She snaps, darting out of his grasp with it in the direction of his dining table. “You really want to force him to do something? Take away his choices. And if you want to use his tactics against him, you need to make sure they’re not absolutely pathetic like Windsor’s posters were. I wanted to blow my brains out looking at them. Not like it’s hard to feel that way around here, most days I want to.” There’s something off about her tone, her words, and for a brief moment he questions if he should actually be pushing this currently at all. She clearly wasn’t okay, but neither was Balo and he supposed this once, maybe it’d be okay to be selfish. “You need to go in hard and quick. If you over complicate it, nobody gives a fuck. The more minimal they are, the better. So, you don’t want to aim too low, you don’t want the mob trying to kill you but...”

“I don’t give a fuck about the mob, Ches. He needs to pay for this.” Zander corrects her. Did it matter if people hated them? They were doing the right thing. Nobody else could get hurt like Balo had been if they told. Maybe Juliet would be okay? Sure, she’d hate him, but what Jack has done was inexcusable.

“You should be afraid. Everyone’s going to hate us if we actually do this.” “If they hate us for going after Jack, good riddance. Please, Ches.”

He watches her reaction to his words, the conflict on her face as she considers her options. She takes a long drink, tilting the bottle up high if she was trying to get as much alcohol as she could inside of her at once without choking in the process. “Fine, I’ll help with your fucking revenge scheme if you let me keep the wine.” She growls. He nods in agreement, holding his hands up in a peace offering as he slowly approaches her. After what felt like ages of watching his every move, she finally speaks again, “get your laptop. We have work to do.”

—-

Ches had fallen asleep over an hour ago, in the middle of talking, but by that point her suggestions had been barely coherent anyway. He’d already picked her up and moved her to his bed after finishing the last of the posters. And despite her protests at being woken up in the process, he just propped her up on her side, tucked her in, and waited for her to go back to sleep. Once she had, he went back to the common room to grab his laptop. For the most part his attention had shifted, revenge was well on its way and now he had time to worry about her. Balo might have contributed to it but she hadn’t been what set Ches off. She’d already been spiraling the minute she’d walked in his door. He saw that clearer now more than ever.

He glances away from the girl to take a glance at the test run of posters he’d printed. For a moment, as he reads what they’d written, he hesitates. How hadn’t he noticed they included Balo’s name in a hashtag? Perhaps he’d been too busy trying to translate what seemed to be a mix of French and slurred gibberish to think about it. It’d be easy to fix, he supposed. Simply replacing the hashtag with another resource link like Ches had suggested for each of the posters. But, he didn’t want to. Wouldn't it be better if everyone knew it was Balo who’d be affected? The ray of light everyone had watched get extinguished over the past few months. He hesitates, only a moment longer, before he goes back to his laptop to hit print on the run of them.

He sighs before going back to watching the body in his bed. Hyper focused to make sure her skin wasn’t changing colors, and her breathing hadn’t shifted. God, he really should have stopped her, or at least tried to limit her. He should to tell Elliot, right? If their roles were reversed he’d want to be told. Maybe Ches would be pissed off later, but, he didn’t know what else to do. He’d fucked up, he let her keep the bottle in exchange for her help with these posters. She had every right to be mad at him for it too.

[To Elliot:] Hey, I know you don’t want to talk about Ches with me but I’m really fucking concerned right now. She showed up on my doorstep drunk, and I’ve seen her in pretty rough shape before but this is the worst I’ve ever seen her ever. I’m keeping an eye on her atm but I thought you’d want to know [To Elliot:] Do you want me to bring her to you? She’s out of it but she wakes up if you poke at her. [To Elliot:] I think it’s Leo related? I dunno, she was too busy rambling about wanting to steal you stars to tell me what was wrong before she dozed off 😖

Maybe pinning it on Leo was fucked up too, but, if he had to guess what else was going on, wasn’t that the easiest guess? It was that or Cade. He had seen her step brother stumbling a lot during the picnic, obviously already back to using not even a full week after leaving rehab. Whatever it was, if Elliot wanted to deal with this he’d let him. If not, he’d have to multi-task. As he waits for a response he pulls out the map of the school, trying to think of where the best places to put posters would be on this campus.

The more people who saw them, the better.

After all the parents left Luxor, he’d slip one of them under Jack’s door. Warn him of the storm that was coming under the guise of giving him a chance to amend things just to see what’d happen. As he waits to see if his phone goes off, he reaches over for a sticky note to scrawl a message on.

Figured I should give you a heads up. I did tell Claire that if you wouldn’t tell her, I would. What do you think? Pretty, right?

Perhaps he should make a version of a poster without Ches’s name attached for this. He glances over to the sleeping girl again, no, she definitely wouldn’t be in the state for Jack’s crap tomorrow. The longer he could keep her out of this, the better. Neither of them would have peace in the end, but, at least she could keep hers a tiny bit longer.

—-

[From Chessie ☀️:] I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU [From Chessie ☀️:] ELLIOT DID NOT NEED TO KNOW LIKE THAT [From Chessie ☀️:] WHAT THE FUCK, ALEKZANDER?

Zander had been helping to pack up the book club’s table when her texts came in, and he ignored them momentarily to continue trying to clean up their booth for the fair. Even when his phone goes off again and again, probably berating him about leaving her on read with his receipts on, she needed to wait a few minutes. He was a bit too busy for this, he needed to get this cleaned up quickly so he could sneak the warning under Jack’s door.

[From Chessie ☀️:] You do not just get to leave me on read [From Chessie ☀️:] Did it ever occur to you I SHOULD BE THE ONE TO DECIDE WHAT I TELL MY BOYFRIEND [From Chessie ☀️:] I was going to tell him, you had no right [From Chessie ☀️:] I’m so pissed off at you, Zan, I stg. Not cool.

He groans as he reads her messages, this time opting to send back a quick, fast reply in hopes it’d get her out of his hair until he has time for her shit.

[To Ches:] Cleaning up club fair, text you when I’m done. Sorry, didn’t think you’d tell him shit and you scared me [To Ches:] Can you wait to yell at me til you see me later? We need to discuss Jack’s posters.

And as his phone starts to go off again, he puts it on silent and gets back to work. He’d deal with her later. Right now, he had way bigger fish to fry waiting on him. She wasn’t on the priority list, not today.

—-

He should have expected Ches to be waiting for him, but as he enters his room, he still jumps when he sees someone sitting on his bed glaring at him. “I was concerned.” He defends himself, immediately, as he sits down at his desk.

“Why did you lie about it being your wine?”

Was she really going to immediately start in on that? He didn’t see why it was a big deal, he’d been protecting her. Both of them, actually. What did she think would have happened if he told Elliot the truth? He’d spared them both a headache. At least, he thought he had until she started blowing up his phone. “I didn’t want to deal with the lecture while finishing up our posters. Plus, did you want to tell him why?” He moves to hand her one of each poster, and she groans as she reads them. What was wrong? He thought she wanted minimalism.

“We included our names? Fuck. I’m so getting dumped.” She throws herself back onto the bed, tossing it to the side. “At least we’ll both be on Elliot’s shit list. I told him the truth, you know. I’m not about to start lying about what I’m doing, or where I’ve been, to him. I love him, Zan.”

“So you told him about the posters?” That gets his attention. How much had she told? Was she trying to ruin everything they’d worked for? Finally, they were going to be able to get back at Jack for everything he had done. Every time he made their lives hell, and she was willing to throw it away.

But as she starts to answer his question, his concerns dissipate. “Of course not. I was hoping to stay unassociated with this shit, I didn’t tell him about Balo either before you get on my ass about that too. Can’t we just reprint them without our names to avoid the attention?”

“No. They’re staying as is.” “And Jack still hasn’t told her?” “He’s not going to tell her, Ches.”

“Fine.” She sounds so defeated, deflating into a heap on his bed with the word. “I can’t believe you fucking lied to Elliot, so I had to deal with how disappointed he is in me and go directly against what you said.”

“Did he believe you?”

The way she gets up and storms out of the room was more than enough of an answer for him. She was offended, which meant either he hadn’t or that Ches was annoyed he even had to ask. Either way, as much as her being angry usually bothered him, he didn’t have time to care currently. He grabs the keys to his rental car before he takes one last glance at the posters ready to go on his dresser. He needed tape, an abundance of it.

After all, he had a lot of posters to hang later.

—-

They hang the posters the next morning in silence. On occasion, he’d glance over to her to watch how seemingly robotic her motions were, and every time the guilt got to him as soon as he looked. The show had to go on, she knew that better than anyone. But as he hangs the last of his posters, his phone buzzes. He waits until he’s done to read the text message, realizing within seconds she’d sent it out to everyone. “Fuck.”

[From Chessie ☀️:] I’m sorry about the posters around the school today. I don’t want to get into my involvement, because frankly the details don’t fucking matter. The damage has been done, it was taken way too far, and I wish I never helped at all. My intentions don’t matter, nor do the events leading up to it. I fucked up, and I’m sorry. Just, remember if you’re a dick about anyone’s HIV status you’re an even worse person than Jack was in this situation. I expect a lot of you will be angry, rightfully so, but please leave Balo out of this. She had no idea about any of this.

He groans, of course she was going to try to distance herself from this. Anything to keep her precious Elliot on her side, right? He makes a face, quickly sending out his own mass text.

[To All Luxor Students:] If you have an issue with those posters and your name isn’t Balian Grace Driskell, cry me a river. Balo, call me.

#alcoholism tw #alcohol tw #alcohol abuse tw #suicide tw #HIV tw #no chains won't hold me down ( musings )#make no mistake i live in a prison that i built myself ( self paras )#yeah that's not who we are; we are not beautiful ( ches | balo )#suicide attempt tw #better safe than sorry y'all #debated waiting decided to not

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hitchell-mope · 4 years

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(Third film. After “who I am”. Mal Hades and Uma freeze for a moment. The gravity of their bonding moment sinking in. Then they burst out laughing. And they’re only stopped by Harry flying through the closed french windows and crashing into the gazebo)

Ben: sorry. My bad. He encroached on my personal space

Harriet: he walked past you

Ben: he walked past behind me.

Harriet: so the fuck what?

Mal: Ben’s got a fight or flight response when it comes to the gnome.

Gil: it’s what happens when you do what Harry did to him

Cj: which is what exactly?

Ben: kidnapping me, trying to sell Gil to me, attempted to kill me and was accessory to the almost capsizing of the cotillion yacht that me and all my friends were on

Cj: that is barely worth mentioning and in any

Evie: Ok everyone shut up I need to talk to the happy couple

Harry: I think my legs are broked

Evie: no one cares flapjack face. Ben. Mal. Join me at the kitchen island

Mal: you wanna tell her or shall I?

Ben: umm. Me? (Mal gives him the go ahead). Um. Evie. Uh. Heheh. We sort of decided on most of the um important stuff so you don’t have to plan. You just have organise

Evie: and the four things?

Mal: I can create my new dress with magic. I’m going to ask my mom if I can borrow a necklace. I’ve got the class ring Ben gave me. And I can redo the hair streaks my exposure to the ember made for the ceremony. Sorted

Evie (through a forced, fixed smile): so I’m utterly superfluous

Carlos: pretty much yeah.

Jay: c’mon E. this is probably gonna be the first royal wedding in history where the couple have their heads on screwed on right

Evie: mhmm mhmm yeah yes of that is true however HOWEVER there’s the little slight wrinkle of me being all but shut out from the proceedings

Mal: you’re still in the party. After Jane - oh shit Jane! - and Evie’s fainted. Doug, buddy, could you alert me when she wakes up. I gotta go talk with the guest of honour

(She bustles over your Jane who’s just outside and nursing a large glass)

Mal: hey bud

Jane (slightly glazed look in her eye): heya Mally. How’re hic you doin?

Mal: I actually came over to see how you were doing. I got wrapped in my own drama again. I’m sorry

Jane: ah don’t be. I’ve come to expect. Nothings about me. Never. Not even my own birthdays. You know in my four teeth I got ‘tention?

Mal: no

Jane: Chas copied off me in algebra. Ma thought I cheated. Registration thingumy. Him fore I. So I spent that afternoon clapping erasers. So see. Never bout me

Mal: ah. Well this was supposed to be about you. And I’ve shirked you to a corner drinking....

Jane: 🎶colada’🎶

Mal: right. Judging your countenance I’d say not a virgin one. How many have you had?

Jane: one. About eighty, eighty eight times? I think. Might be more

Mal: I see. Wanna stitck by me for the evening?

Jane (pouty): will you show off those sceptre tricks you’ve been working on?

Mal (chuckling): if you want

Hades (from the kitchen): Mal! Evie is awake and demanding your presence

Evie: I refuse to be shut out!

Mal: (long, long sigh) I am so sorry Jane. Let me try and make things better.

(She points her finger at the ground and Hadie materialises in a plume of green smoke. He’s trying a hat on)

Hadie: strange, I could’ve sworn there was a mirror there

Mal: what in dad’s name are you wearing?

Hadie: oh. Doug said I should get changed. Lovely guy by the way. Evie chose well. Dizzy took me upstairs to the changing rooms. And I saw a large picture as I passed her room. He was wearing this precise outfit. So I replicated the look and was just fixing the hat when you summoned me. You like?

Mal (very calm): Jefferson. Please tell me you replicated the look and not replaced it. All three of them will kill me if that posters wearing a bathrobe

Hadie: (beat) ok. NOW it’s replicated

Mal: good. Now could you please do me a favour and keep an eye on Jane? Birthday girl shouldn’t be left alone

Hadie: it’d be my pleasure

Mal: great thanks. I gotta go

Jane: he’s tall. Er then me

(Mal goes back into the house and heads towards Evie)

Mal: what is it now?

Evie: you just can’t keep me out of your wedding planning. I’m the WEDDING PLANNER

Ben: we’re not keeping you out E. We’re just shutting down the ideas we don’t like

Evie: you’re not even supposed to be part of the conversation! You’re the groom you’re only job is to show up sober

Mal: really? Well that scuppers my plans to be blitzed during the ceremony

Evie: oh here we go...

(As they continue arguing Uma heaves a long suffering sigh and goes outside, Lonnie goes over to check up on Gil who’s eyes are scrunched shut with his hands over his ears)

Lonnie: you ok

Gil: I don’t like it when my friends fight

Lonnie: I know. Hey jay. Could you help us out here please?

Jay: sure. Hmmm. Ooh. I know. To get rid of these ants in their pants/I command thee all to get up and dance.

(Some music starts up and everyone freezes)

Jay (taking Gil’s hands away from his ears): at your leisure qayidi 'aw rbany

(This is when “backflip” happens. After the song the spells breaks)

Evie: what happened?

Lonnie: you three were arguing, Gil got upset so Jay broke the argument up and we all danced

Mal: sorry bud

Ben: sorry bro

Evie: yeah sorry

Gil: s’ok

Evie: what were we arguing about?

Mal: beats me

Ben: ditto

Cj: I know

Jay: no ya don’t

Cj: ....uhhhh....OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO HARRY!

Ben (much more then dismissively): eh he’ll be fine. Where’s Uma?

Elsa (refreezing the now lukewarm beer): she headed back outside Benjamin

Ben: ohhhh yeah uhhhh heheh you mind?

Mal: nah, go ahead. Do what you gotta do

Ben: thank you

(Outside Uma’s ranting and raving about how Mal “always wins” and how she “always loses” but she stops when Ben approaches her)

Uma: ohhhh What do you want?

Ben: talk?

Uma: oh yeah? What about?

Ben: uh, you?

Uma: why? I could see you lot in there perfectly happy, dancing about, not a care in the damn world, you and your FUCKING FRIVOLITY!!!!

Ben: ohhhh riiiight yeah I understand now, can’t be easy. Worlds in tatters, your entire life perceptions been upended, you think you’ve got on the same page with some of your family then you see your cousins arguing about wedding planning so you don’t think they’re taking things seriously. Completely understandable

Uma:...yeah I’m a little tipsy so you’re gonna have to slow down

Ben: you think you patched things up with Mal then you turn around and she’s not focusing on what you deem necessary

Uma: I’m not gonna “patch things up” until she admits and pays for what she did to me

Ben: what more can she do though? I mean seriously. She apologised, tried to let you kill her and she’s protected celia throughout most of today. Most things are a two way street Uma. And it’s up to you wether you accept her apology or not. No one can but you

Uma: I...don’t...KNOW. I DUNNO! GOD! I can’t stand it! She gets everything! The title, the reverence, the power, immortality! This past year I’ve been in my own personal hell while she’s been over here swanning about and owning the whole fucking place! It’s not fair that she gets all this and I get pruny hands and a barnaclised first mate!

Ben: have you told Mal this?

Uma: what? And be vulnerable towards the cow? I thought you were smart

Ben: (chuckles) m’sorry. Shouldn’t laugh

Uma (scoffing): s’alright. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. But I can’t help it. Cause when she’s been here, I’ve been down there. With my oh so delightful mother. And yeah I know it’s stupid. I can’t let it go. I’m not ice bitch. The sea waits and it will have its revenge! I’mramblingaren’tI?

Ben: mhmm. But that’s ok. You deserve it. Honestly every vk on this property has a right to complain and then some.

Uma: im done. You can go

Ben: before I do can I give you my thoughts quick?

Uma: whatever

Ben: I can help you. Believe me. All I want to do is help. But you kidnapped me. You tortured me. You tried to kill me. Why? To stick it to Mal? To make yourself feel better. All you had to do was ask and I would’ve listened to you. I will in fact still listen to you. I want to be friends with you but you need to let this petty vendetta go. It won’t do anyone any good to dwell on the past. I only hope you understand that

Uma: petty? Me? Petty?

Ben: mhmm.

Uma: bitch!

Ben: oh please. Everyone has a fatal flaw. I, apparently, have a tendency to be a smidge naive

Uma (utterly deadpan): really? I never would’ve believed it.

Ben: are you sure you can’t see yourself one day letting what happened go?

Uma: nope

Ben: why not?

Uma: cause it feels right. Evening the score feels right. And frankly I don’t care what you think. It’s simple as that. I don’t care

(This is when “I’ve gotta be me” happens)

#disney descendants #zendaya!mal

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mxliv-oftheendless · 4 years

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Twist of Fate, Chapter 1

Oh my, what could this possibly be??? Why, IT’S A NEW KISSTERIAVERSE STORY!!! One that I have been dying to write for so long now omg. I don’t know how this is gonna go down or how you guys will receive it, but I hope you guys like it! **Important note before we start: this story is a major time skip to years in the future. I still haven’t figured out when exactly but it’s before the Reunion Tour.** Special shout-out to @cosmicrealmofkissteria for freaking out with me over ideas for this story for... literal months now lol. Love you, Shandi!

After a messy break-up with Nikki Terror, Starchild has been dedicated to improving himself and growing as an individual. It’s been years since he gave any thought to pursuing a romantic relationship. But will a diplomatic trip to Jendell change his mind?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If Starchild were to ever look back, he would probably berate himself for being such a fool. He had been naïve and idealistic, thinking he could change Nikki Terror by loving him. He had given him everything, ignoring all the warnings from his friends and ignoring all the reasons why he shouldn’t, forgiving Nikki for everything he did, because he thought it would change him for the better. There were so many things wrong with him—and with Nikki, but he was the most concerned about himself by the end.

He would also think sadly about how it ended up taking a major threat from a demon called Blackie, that Nikki himself had Summoned, and KISS teaming up with the Motley Crue to deal with it, to make him realize all of this. He was stressed, angry, tired, and confused, but even amid his confusion, he knew one thing—he couldn’t be with Nikki anymore. For the sake of his sanity and mental health, he couldn’t stay in a relationship that had decayed away to nearly nothing. So he ended it, completely severing their ties.

After that, he focused on himself—if he wanted to be happy, he had to work through his own problems that he had avoided or ignored for so long. So he did. He meditated; he started keeping a diary; he focused on KISS and his friends; he even found himself drawing again. He hadn’t picked up his sketchbook in years, not since leaving KISSteria with Demon, Ace, and Catman to form KISS. He took his duties as KISSteria’s Prince more seriously, finding books on politics from both Earth and his home and soaking up as much information as he could. He tried to forgive himself when he made a mistake, rather than consider himself a failure. Slowly, but surely, piece by piece, he dried his eyes, put his shattered heart back together and moved on. He always remembered how envious he was of Demon and Vinneketh’s loving relationship—if he couldn’t have someone who loved him like that, then he would try to love himself.

Life went on around him, and he tried to move with it. Revenge was recorded and they went on tour, and he tried embracing another side of himself; one that was loud and proud and swore and was outspoken and had fun. He liked that side of himself, and how he was able to embrace it and have fun with it without any strings attached. The years went by, blurred together, until one day he heard someone mention Motley Crue and Nikki Sixx… and he felt nothing. He simply smiled to himself and went back to the book he was reading. He was okay; he was sure now. He was going to be okay. He still felt like he had miles to go, even after years, but he was willing to try. Whether he succeeded or failed, or did both, he wanted to at least try.

“Starchild?”

Starchild blinked and pulled himself out of his thoughts. He turned from gazing out the ship window to the Elder. “Yes, Mother?”

“Are you all right? You’ve been quiet for a while now.”

Nodding, Starchild smiled slightly. “Yes, I am. I was just thinking.”

“A good pastime. What were you thinking about?”

He shrugged. “About our trip. I’m excited; I haven’t visited Jendell in years.”

“That is right, you haven’t. Would you be more excited if it weren’t for diplomacy? Gods know I would be.”

Starchild laughed with her. “I would, but I’m still excited. Diplomacy is important if we want to maintain our friendship with Jendell. If it means more years of peace, I’ll gladly participate.”

A slow smile came to the Elder’s face, and Starchild had decided after years of seeing it that he loved that smile—it meant she approved of his words and was proud of his words. No feeling in the world could match knowing he had his mother’s approval and feeling like he deserved it. “I’m very glad to hear that. The meetings will be numerous, and taxing, but they will be worth it.”

“I hope so,”

They were nearly there, so Starchild went back to looking out the window. Truth be told, he was mostly excited, but still a little nervous. He hadn’t seen Ace in years, only once after he married Princess Amalthea. And even then, it was awkward and painful, and he ended up avoiding him the entire time. Hopefully, things would be better this time.

When the ship landed, he could see a gathering of Jendellian officials waiting for them, and at the very front was Ace and Amalthea, with Tomaziel beside the King as always. It was nice to see Tomaziel was still Ace’s aide, as loyal and dedicated as ever.

Starchild and the Elder stood to get off the ship, and let the procession go first before them. The Elder went first, and Starchild paused to fix his black cloak patterned with silver stars before following behind her.

“Welcome, Elder,” Ace greeted, dressed in royal Jendellian robes. He gave them both a wide smile. “Welcome, Prince Starchild. Thank you for agreeing to make the journey.”

“I hope it was not a difficult one,” Amalthea said, dipping into a respectful curtsy.

The Elder smiled warmly at her. “You needn’t bow to your friends, Queen Amalthea. But no, the journey was far from difficult.”

“We were happy to make it,” Starchild spoke up, smiling respectfully.

Ace turned his eyes to him and smiled wider. “It’s good to see you again, Starchild,”

Starchild’s own smile widened. “It’s good to see you too, Ace,”

Then he suddenly found himself pulled into a hug, a friendly one. The two old acquaintances shared a laugh, and he felt a surge of happiness at the hug. It was a friendly one, yes, but he hoped it meant there were no hard feelings. All his worrying about how Ace would react to seeing him again faded away.

When Ace let him go, he turned to Amalthea and bowed his head to her. “Queen Amalthea. It’s lovely to see you looking so radiant.”

Amalthea laughed and returned the bow. “Why, thank you,”

Then Starchild turned to Tomaziel and nodded to him. “It’s good to see you again, too, Tomaziel,”

“The feeling is mutual, Prince Starchild,” Tomaziel bowed his head, then looked up in slight surprise when Starchild came forward and offered his hand. He looked up at Starchild, who only smiled invitingly, then back down at the extended hand. A small smile came to his face, and he reached out to take the hand and shake it.

But when their hands touched, Starchild jerked his away when he felt a sudden static shock and gave a surprised yelp. “Ow!”

Panic immediately came to Tomaziel’s face. “I’m so sorry!” he exclaimed, holding his hands up apologetically. “It was an accident! I swear, I did not mean to do that. I’m still learning how to control my electricity—I shouldn’t have done that. I am so sorry!”

“It’s all right, Tomaziel,” Starchild interrupted. He showed his hand. “I am perfectly fine. It was an accident, I understand. Really, it’s all right.”

Tomaziel briefly stared at him, then relaxed. “If you say so, Prince Starchild,”

“I do say so,” Starchild gave him a kind smile. “I could tell you about so many times where accidents happened because my own powers weren’t under control.”

Amalthea interrupted politely. “Shall we have our servants show you to your rooms? You would surely like to rest a bit before dinner.”

The Elder nodded. “That would be lovely, thank you. I am not as young as I used to be,” she added, smiling jokingly.

The five laughed and entered the palace.

-JENDELL-

Later that evening, Starchild stood in front of his mirror as he prepared for dinner. He set down his comb and looked over his reflection. It was still a little difficult for him to look at his reflection and not immediately see little things wrong with his appearance; especially now when he had to make an impression to so many Jendellian government officials. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, shaking out his nerves, and opened his eyes to look again. He smiled at himself—he looked good. It was good enough for him. It would be good enough for the rest.

He had been walking down the hallway to the dining hall alone for a while when he turned a corner and almost crashed into Ace. They both froze in time, then Ace laughed. “Glad I stopped; I would’ve ruined your outfit.”

“And we definitely can’t have that happen,” Starchild chuckled. “If I nearly ran into you… Does that mean I was going the wrong way?”

Laughing again, Ace nodded. “I think you were,”

“I haven’t been here in a while,” Starchild shrugged sheepishly. “Could we walk together?”

“Sure. Amalthea and Tomaziel are already there anyways.” He grinned at him. “Wouldn’t it be funny if we ended up being the only ones left to arrive?”

Giggling, Starchild shrugged again. “Then we’ll be fashionably late,”

They set off down the hallway, and after a moment of silence Ace spoke again. “So… How are you? How have you been?”

Starchild thought for a moment before answering. “I’ve been alright. And you?”

Ace smiled. “I have a daughter now,”

“That’s wonderful! What’s her name?”

“Her name is Monique.” He laughed lightly. “She almost threw a tantrum when she learned she wouldn’t get to see the KISSterians arrive today. She’s been talking about how excited she is to meet you and the Elder since she learned you were coming.”

Starchild chuckled. “I can’t wait to meet her,”

“Knowing her, she’ll find a way to sneak away from her governess and seek you out herself,”

“Well I shall await that moment with bated breath,”

Ace laughed. “And what about the band? Did you…” here he sobered. “Did you find a replacement for Fox?”

Starchild’s smile faded at the thought of Fox. The loss of one of his dear friends still pained him. “We did. Catman was the one who suggested him. Eryk, the Wildcat Apprentice.”

Ace raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Eryk?” He smiled. “That’s great; I always liked him. What about Bla—Heather? Is she still traveling around with you?”

Starchild’s head lowered sadly. “No… She left. She didn’t want to be a burden.”

Ace looked away sadly. “I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be. It was her decision, and I couldn’t have stopped her even if I tried… And I tried. I hope she finds the peace she deserves.”

“I… I’m sorry,” Ace laughed nervously, “I keep asking ya questions…”

Starchild shook his head, smiling. “It’s all right. You’ve missed a lot.”

“Okay… I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I heard…” he paused, “I heard you cut ties with Nikki Terror.”

Starchild’s smile faded, but he nodded. “Yes, I did. I reflected on everything, and I realized being with him was doing me more harm than good. I,” he shrugged, “I couldn’t even tell myself a good enough reason to stay, by the end. So I ended things.”

Ace nodded slowly. “Okay… And how have things been for you since?”

“Honestly?” He smiled again. “Things have been lovely. I’m trying to be a better person than I was before, and to be honest… I’m happier with myself than I was before.”

“I thought so,” Ace smiled at him. “I can see it. If you’re happy with the way you are, then I think what you’re doing is great.”

Starchild returned the smile. “Thank you,”

They finally approached the doors to the dining hall. Starchild heard voices through the doors and laughed. “It looks like we are the last to arrive,”

Ace laughed out loud. “Guess we’re gonna be fashionably late!”

He was about to request that the guards open the doors for them when Starchild suddenly stopped him. “Wait… There’s something I need to ask you.”

Ace turned to him. “Yeah?”

Starchild took a breath and went on. “I know the last time I was here… wasn’t the best of times. If it hurt you, the way I acted, I’m sorry. You’re clearly happy married to Amalthea, and I would never do anything to jeopardize your happiness, so…” he extended his hand with a nervous smile, “could we still be friends?”

There was a moment of silence where Ace looked down at his extended hand. Starchild’s heart thumped nervously as he waited for his response. Then a wide grin burst across Ace’s face and he took Starchild’s hand. “Of course we can still be friends. I still care about ya, Starchild, even if we aren’t together anymore.”

Starchild grinned happily and hugged Ace tightly. “I can’t tell you how much that means to me,”

When he pulled away, Ace grinned at him. “Well—c’mon, friend. Let’s go have dinner; I’m starving.”

Laughing, Starchild followed him the rest of the way down the hall. “Same here, friend,”

He entered the dining hall alongside Ace with a much brighter mood than when they arrived. His nerves were gone, and he was looking forward eagerly to the next three weeks. This was going to be a good trip—he was sure of it, now.

#Shandi's KISSteriaverse #twist of fate #chapter one #i am so excited you guys omg #full disclosure: i'm also a little nervous about the quality of this because i haven't written a lot of slow-burn romance before #but i hope it's good #starchild's doing all the personal growth and i'm so proud of him #spacechild #kiss au writing #my writing #hope you enjoyed!#stay tuned for chapter two!

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