My actual grishaverse hot take is my dislike for Nikolai. You heard me right! I hate the guy. I don't have an actual reason either, so I can't really defend myself. He's...too quippy? Too blonde? Too..."privateer ?"
Take me to fandom jail now, I'm ready to go!
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Runaway-Finn Shelby x Reader
(GIF credit to @dialnfornoir)
Masterlist
Summary: On her brisk walk home, (Y/N) witnesses a brutal Peaky Blinder attack, attempting to run away when Finn Shelby comes after her, only to sweep her off her feet.
Characters: Finn Shelby x Reader
Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name
(Y/L/N)=Your last name
Warnings: Violence, fighting, blood, fluff
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Come on (Y/N), not even one drink? We won't even make you stay, just the one!" my friend moaned as I denied their proposal of going to the Garrison.
"You said that last time, and I ended up staying until early hours." I laughed.
They all put their hands together as they started begging. I also laughed at this, embarrassed by the attention that was suddenly on us.
"No, seriously. I have to be good with money this month. Thanks to you lot, I'm having to be frugal for the rent."
They sighed."Fine, we won't make you come. But you will be missed. Just get home safe, OK?"
"I will. You too, please don't get too drunk and end up sleeping outside."
"That was one time!"
I shook my head as we giggled, waving goodbye when I turned to walk home. We had just finished work, so it was still relatively light out; I would say it was less dangerous to walk alone, but we did live in Small Heath. Yawning after the long, boring shift, I adjusted my coat around me, trying to keep warm. All I wanted was a good dinner, get cleaned up and snuggle into bed, maybe read a few chapters of the book I had if my eyelids could stay open. I was only in my early twenties and already feeling like an old woman.
Home wasn't far, a good twenty minute walk, which could be a bad thing if it was raining, a lovely stroll if not. I lived in the better part of Small Heath (if there even was one), walking home from work had never been an issue. Until I heard the unfamiliar sounds of desperate begging and crying, as well as thumps and slaps of skin of skin contact. My eyes widened, heart beat accelerating when I realised someone was begging for their life. There was no other way home for me, I had to take this route. What I should have done was turn around to join my friends for that drink, but the natural human tendency to be curious took over. As I cautiously continued my way home, I couldn't help but glance down the alleyway behind a row of houses, spotting four young boys surrounding an older man, who looked like he was being beaten to a pulp by one of them. I froze, having never seen a brawl like this up close. It was as if I were delayed, somehow taking ages to register that I had to leave before they spotted me.
Unfortunately one of their heads snapped up to look at me, tapping his friends on the shoulder, pointing at me as he shouted for them to stop. My legs still wouldn't move, staring at the man who's face was soaked red with his own blood. It wasn't until one of the young men started approaching me that I sprinted away, suddenly terrified about what could happen to me.
I cursed myself for being such a bad runner, as well as the shoes I was wearing. My lungs were working incredibly hard, my throat drying up whilst my mind panicked as it tried to remember which way was home. I let out a scream as the boy grabbed me, crying out in pain when they pushed me against the brick wall. Attempting to scramble out of their hold was useless, they were pushing their whole weight on me, I had no escape.
"(Y/N)?" he said my name.
My eyes widened, realising who had a hold of me. It was Finn Shelby.
"(Y/N) (Y/L/N)? We went to school together. You might not remember me, but we definitely did."
"Of course I remember you! You're Finn fucking Shelby.”
"Oh right."
"Please don't hurt me."
He looked confused."Hurt you? Why would I do that?"
"Well, you're currently pinning me against a wall, and I'm finding it a bit hard to breathe if I'm honest."
He glanced down, quickly pushing himself away from me. I tried to hide getting my breath back, letting out a quick cough. It seemed he wasn't going to hurt me, and he wasn't being sadistic about that phrase either.
"I'm sorry. You alright?"
I slowly nodded, still wanting to be on the safe side.
"I remember you from school. Obviously changed a lot, though I have seen you from time to time."
"Right."
"Look, uh, what you saw back there, I need you to forget it."
"Finn," I was scared to say his name but I did anyway,"you almost killed him."
"You know I'm a Peaky Blinder, right?"
"How could I not? And are you trying to justify what you did?"
"(Y/N), he ran a brothel using children."
"Oh."
"I mean, you couldn't have known that, so I can see how that looks from a different perspective."
"Well, I totally agree with your actions then."
"I still need you to keep quiet about the whole thing."
"Um, of course."
"Where were you headed?"
This was the longest conversation I had ever had with Finn, with a Peaky Blinder. I briefly remember him as a child, you never do have specific memories at such a young age, though I probably played with him during break time.
"Home."
"Let me walk you."
"No, honestly it's fine, it's not far."
"I insist. Part of my apology for scaring you earlier."
"Part of your apology?"
"Yeah, I'm taking you out for drinks tomorrow."
I started thinking I might have been in a dream."Sorry?"
"Do you always act this surprised at what people say? A catch up drink."
"That's alright, really, if you're trying to make it up to me-"
"Come on, just one?"
It was like deja vu.
"If you're busy tomorrow, we can always go tonight. Yeah, you know what? Let's do that instead!"
"No, Finn, really I'm fine."
"I won't take no. Please, it'll be nice, I promise all I'm asking for is a drink."
I felt obligated to go, still in a bit of shock from what happened. But my friends were at the Garrison, if they saw me with Finn they would think I was ditching them, and what would it look like for me to be walking in with a Shelby?! However, I felt bad when I saw how happy Finn was; and even if he tried anything later I would undoubtedly slap him, I wasn't afraid of that (I tried to convince myself). When I agreed, his smile grew even bigger, instantly heading towards the pub.
I was trying to focus on what he was babbling on about, only my mind was preoccupied with the dreaded stares of my friends. That was one fo the worst things you could do as a girl, ditch your friends for a boy. Then there would be questions about how I met him, why didn't I tell them, why didn't I bring him along to drinks etc. I'd look like any other desperate girl that tried to cling onto the arm of any Shelby, desperate for a taste of the dangerous, gangsta life, even if it was just for one night.
As we walked in, I felt sick, immediately spotting my friends on their usual table they always tried to grab. They hadn't seen me yet, so I attempted to hide behind Finn, keeping my head down as we stood at the bar.
Finn was served first before anyone else."Whiskey Harry, and you?"
"Um, wine please."
"Just put them through the window, yeah?"
I was confused when we walked to the private room, it felt like I was trespassing. Though this gave me a good hiding place from my friends, chancing to glance back at them before disappearing. They still hadn't seen me.
Finn casually sat down, looking relaxed. I stood, not sure whether to join him, which was a stupid thing to think when he had invited me.
"Are you going to stand there the whole time?" he chuckled.
I said nothing as I sat down opposite him, not wanting to become trapped in the booth with him. I still wasn't sure what to say once seated, hating that this could become awkward at any second.
"Are you OK? You seem a bit shaken up still." he asked.
"I'm fine." I squeaked out, knowing he could see right through me.
"You're all nervous, what's wrong?" he smirked.
I sighed."My friends are out there."
"Oh, well go tell them to join us."
"No!" I snapped too quickly."Look, I said no to drinks earlier, hence why I was on my way home, and I was scared what they would think or feel if they saw me waltz in with you."
"Don't want to be seen with a Blinder?"
"No, just didn't want them to think I chose a boy over my friends."
He gave me a pointed look.
"And I guess it would seem strange if I suddenly walked back in with a Blinder."
"Why did you say no in the first place?"
"Because money is tight. That was another reason I was hesitant to come, honest."
"You're not paying (Y/N)."
"Oh, Finn-"
"No, because I literally get this stuff for free." the small window into the room opened."Speaking of."
He reached over and grabbed our drinks, handing mine to me before clinking the glasses together. Unlike Finn, who threw the whole drink back, I sipped on my wine, and god was it good. He slammed the glass back down onto the table, letting out a satisfied breath.
"So what have you been up to since school?"
"Well, I've got a job at this clothes shop, you might have passed it but we only deal with women’s clothing, so I doubt you’ve been in. Uh, I actually started there as a shop assistant after I left school, you know, running errands and doing the little things no one else wanted to do. Then they started giving me proper jobs, I’m also a book keeper now and-” I glanced at Finn, realising that I was rambling,“-sorry, I’m talking too much.”
“No, no you’re not.” he chuckled, waving a hand in the air.
“Long story short, I work in a clothes shop. What about you?”
I closed my eyes as soon as I finished my sentence, wincing at my stupidity.
“I didn’t mean, I wasn’t trying to be smart or pry, obviously I know...no I don’t know...”
“You’re cute when you stumble over your words.”
I wasn’t expecting that.“E-excuse me?”
Before things could get any more awkward, the door opened, making us both jump. I felt my heart drop down into the pit of my stomach when I saw who it was, and I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me; his brothers were here.
“What the fuck are you doing in here Finn boy?”Arthur asked (if you didn’t know all their names, you had to be incredibly simple).
“Failing to get another bird in your bed?” John smirked.
“Shut up John.” Finn spat.“This is (Y/N), she’s an old friend from school.”
They filtered in. John scoffed.“Surprised you remember anything about school. Have you asked him what five pus five is?”
John and Arthur laughed as they sat down opposite us, Thomas standing besides the window for the drinks. I clasped my hands together as they started to shake out of nerves. I was in a room with the Shelby brothers, the men who ran one of the most feared gangs in England, and I had no clue what to do with myself.
“Um, I think I should go.” I pathetically mumbled out.
“Don’t be rude Finn,” Thomas said,“show the lovely, young lady out.”
Finn was glaring at his brothers as we stood. I slowed down my steps so I didn’t appear to be running away from them. Finn opened the door for me, and I felt weightless as soon as I stepped out of that room. He followed me out, running a hand down his face.
“I’m sorry about them. They’re just being their usual stupid selves.” he apologised.
“It’s alright, really. Don’t tell them they bothered me or anything because they really didn’t.”
“You don’t have to worry. They won’t do anything to you because we had a drink together.”
“Sorry, just not used to...”
“Meeting a gangster?”
I hummed in agreement.“Yeah.”
“Look, I definitely need to go back in there. But I liked this. Apart from how we bumped into each other.”
“Yes, that could have been different.”
“I would like to do this again though.”
“You would?”
“There you go again, acting all surprised. How about this weekend?”
“I-I’m free this weekend.”
“Great. I’ll pick you up at six on Saturday.” he smiled at me, turning to go back into the private room before calling the bartender.“Oh, Harry, another wine for my friend.”
He winked at me, then disappeared into the room. I heard heckling and teasing from his brothers. I could feel that my cheeks were heating up from blushing, though I also couldn’t help but smile. Thanking the bartender for the wine, I quickly took it, freezing when I saw my friends staring at me. Sighing, I took a big gulp of the drink before making my way towards them. This was going to be a longer night than I thought.
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:: random things about boyfriend yoongi
↳ ♡ NOTE I saw this format floating around the fandom and thought it was cool and sweet (just like our honey boy so here it goes) 😊 includes an sfw and nsfw bit, both can be read independently.
words. 3k
SFW
First off, Yoongi is laid-back and casually sexy the way we know him. But he also has spikes of energy where he actually gets a little clingy. Any opportunity he will use to hold hands or jump around like a madman with his gummy smile because he got excited about something that you never could predict would make him so happy. He truly is an epiphany.
He’s your most eager personal chef but funnily enough a little unsettled by onions so you end up helping him. Yoongi hates to be crying in the kitchen because of some evil little vegetable but hey, perfect time and place to spend half an hour huddled together cooking or baking. And Yoongi is secretly longing for a cheesy scene, he finds it romantic when you wipe the tears from his face.
His way of speaking to you is a mix of mumbly Korean, high-pitched pouty cat speak, and old-school English slang phrases that he learned somewhere on social media or award shows back in 2018. Most of the time he takes things seriously but is up for some joking anyway. He is sure to giggle every now and then which is really adorable of him. Yoongi is also the person who gets every nuance of your humor and reacts to it.
After being single, you really have to get used to someone waddling around the house. Like— oh, he’s there! And it’s none other than him! Since Yoongi isn’t noisy when he concentrates on his laptop, it really stands out when he morphs from his unmovable rock-like being to a slow rolling stone headed towards the kitchen from time to time. You have to blink every time. And how could you not look up, he’s walking by with his cutest oversized sweaters and striped fluffy socks.
He cannot hide things that normal people would try to keep secret — because of their own discomfort, but he is good at blocking out things that serve your comfort. I’ll explain what I mean. If you have been keeping up with Yoongi postponing the reveal of his surgery until it was successful, you know what I mean. In short, Yoongi is pretty much an automatic filter for things that disturb you. Knowing the right time and place to inform you is the key. As is disregarding things that don’t concern you as a couple, unnecessary drama and opinions. He’s really good at that without ever trying to sugar-coat the important things because he remains a frank and honest soul.
Yoongi has an easier time giving random presents for simple occasions rather than making a big deal out of traditional festivities. So, big celebrations are often kept simple — unless the rest of BTS is there advocating their ‘a little party never killed nobody’ motto — while Yoongi focuses on getting you something attentive or useful every other day pretty much. He’s still a frugal type, you know him. It’s more about inexpensive things that catch his eye because he heard you likes this or that type of snack or want this or that sofa cushion.
There’s always something new and surprising in the fridge and it’s hardly ever empty because Yoongs takes care of the groceries, really thinking it through. Just personal chef things. Being Yoongi’s partner must be the most destressing thing. He takes responsibility for the worldly things, the ironing clothes and the trash cans. He himself thinks that’s the easiest shit ever and is ready to put time into it (he sees the merit, it drives him) while thinking your side — the sheer act of being in love with him, being there for him — must be hard. Which it isn’t.
Yoongi thinks emotions and relationships are tough and complicated while daily life runs smoothly at the snap of a finger. You think maintenance is a drudgery while love is not the maze your boyfriend assumes it is. Deep down Yoongi thinks he’s unlovable and a bad person, that’s why he believes he doesn’t have the burden but you have. That your affection then blazes past the barriers in Yoongi’s esteem is something that he finds incredible. It catches him off guard there, you burst the bubbles of the flaws he falsely imagines he has.
You bet your ARMY bomb you’re watching cat videos together.
Guess who’s the first person to hear all of Yoongi’s upcoming hit tracks? Even Namjoon gets the first sample ten minutes later. You gotta be really advanced at keeping secrets and avoiding accidental leaks with your phone or something.
Yoongi hesitates with the analogy because it’s a little funny and you’re evidently not a steaming liquid made of beans, but he claims you really are like his daily americano. Makes his every morning better.
Now, in all seriousness. What means the most to him is that you take him how he is and are stable company. Yoongi is afraid of betrayal and stupid games so he has to be sure to have a safe bet going. I think that’s why he fancies marriage, it’s a sign of commitment and some degree of permanence to him. And yes, he is a bit jealous in nature since he’s easily invested in someone with a purity of feeling, almost in a naive way. Yoongi easily idolizes his partner and puts a lot of energy into a bond. He wants to protect that, take the risk, and he has watched for someone who radiates genuine trust and faith. He is sure to have found it in you without any illusions and he is right. Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty.
Playing the piano for dinner or date night is a must, he practices constantly to advance to a great standard. He secretly finds a lot of satisfaction in you cooing at his skills and melodies. Those ten bony fingers gliding over the keys with such a technicality and focus, and a passion that makes you hold your breath, it’s great to watch.
Did you see that one coming? He will compose and produce a designated mixtape only for you personally. Yes, with a little self-filmed, self-cut music video for the title track.
Now those things never see the light of day, they’re all for you. But what about your couple life once it touches the social realm? As one might expect, Yoongi is very ‘eyes turn narrow’ with people who bring disharmony to your dynamic and the relationship in general. In fact, he is grumpy and disappointed, and should someone give him a reason, distinctly brutal. If someone even attempts to test you or plays manipulative games, Yoongi is relentlessly turning them from the inside out with his words that never miss the mark. They’re efficient. As I said, he hates playing annoying games, he’ll do any shortcut and be Yoongi.
I guarantee you can lean back and will never the fazed by stupid people and time wasters again. No need to lose face. Yoongi does the dirty work and is the best possible defender to have on your side. He handles that. Invasive opinions and useless phrases he will shove right up some trashtalker’s ass and leave. Let’s squarely say he is unafraid to be a armchair critic of your and his haters and doesn’t want any of that nuisance to disturb what you have together. He cuts very quick and makes sure not to get tangled up in trouble.
Yoongi will also debunk a whole bunch of weirdos on weverse asking about your private love while he’s at it. Prepare for some very entertaining snide remarks. Oh my god, so many entitled people will be pissed off. Many will also celebrate him for stepping up. What’s actually important to Yoongi is that nobody taints what is like a treasure to him.
It won’t be hard to overlook that Yoongi is very proud of you as well. He looks confident and revering when he hangs out with the group and you’re somewhere close by, even just doing something trivial.
He’s also pretty touchy, sometimes publically to demonstrate something, but mostly in the relative calm and safety of a hotel room. When the lights are out, all barriers crash, the utter romantic takes over. His favorite types of kisses besides those onto his hands are when you kiss his lashes. And yep. Yoongs is such a cozy little spoon. A very curled up one with cute shooky pajamas on most likely.
Talk about clothes. Believe it or not, Yoongi’s fashion goes through a significant change due to the relationship. He knows that you are touchy and thinks about what kinds of flannels are the biggest cuddle magnet, after all. And oh wonder, he will also show some level of skin when he accidentally hears your praises for his arms and legs and collar bones and glowy skin while talking to a close friend of yours. So, look forward to that in summer (he still dislikes the winter cold and wraps himself into scarves twice his size, mind you) though it’s still for your eyes only, he covers up when going out. Truth be told, he enjoys when you casually touch his skin. Especially the arms. Which hold up the firmament to you, and your world, too, and guard it.
BTS will know about how excited he is about you because he often boasts about for how long you’ve been living together by now. We all know this is Yoongi’s favorite way of bragging and it further shows that loyalty, dedication and longevity is the spice to his every meal.
Yoongi is probably going to quit the bottle because you naturally make him feel at ease and upbeat. In fact, he simply forgets about his wine. I don’t have to convince you that Yoongi will be very immersed in any interaction with you whether that be watching movies or discussing his latest tracks.
Those discussions come with extra back massages for him because he spends a lot of hours in his chair. Especially around the neck, it’s no secret that this is in every cat’s top 3 favorite massaging areas. Yoongi is gonna make some really raspy, sleepy sounds and just melt in your hands. He’s gonna sleep like a baby afterwards every time. Sometimes, he says funny and cute things while he dozes. He looks very content.
Say goodbye to the 21st century adulting annoyances in your life because Yoongi has a grip on those without a word. Those six specific chores that always plague you take him only a dozen minutes and he is eager, the forms to fill out are already sent off, the list of people to e-mail is weeded through. The taxes are paid, the bank account is full, the meals are on the table, garnished to perfection. Roof over the head, and it’s a sturdy one, Yoongi bought a sound haven house to inhabit a lot of happiness for two.
He’s probably the only person who doesn’t see it as a loss of dignity if you want to hold on tight to him during a dentist visit as a grown ass mf. Why all of this? Yoongi cannot not strive to feel needed in his actions. He wouldn’t like himself if he couldn’t contribute something reliable and useful. That you find things worthy of your time is priority. You complement each other, what you think is a waste of energy makes him work and strive and vice versa. That way, in the end all things are taken care of.
Giving is more important than taking in Yoongi’s world. He thinks of everything because he considers it an offense to have you in a pile of duties, that is, if you don’t like ‘em. It’s his form of dedicating his efforts and showing respect. He doesn’t need much in return. The things he expects if at all don’t feel like a duty: Much like he doesn’t consider doing those acts of services for you likewise.
Work horse he is, he needs something on his daily to-do plan. Which includes making you feel unbothered by the occasions of an incoming strict world when it’s getting to you. You’re supposed to do what you feel like doing just like him and not slave away at fifty deeds. That you torture yourself with daily life hassle is the thing he dislikes seeing the most. He enjoys doing these things so he’s happy to get going.
What’s not a daily life hassle: Holly is a big fan of yours. Instant friendship. Just wanted you to know.
He always knows how to preoccupy himself and finds something to improve. Getting on your nerves, and that’s no surprise, is the last thing Yoongi will ever do. In fact, you sometimes have to search for his napping spot because he got lost somewhere in the house.
He either sleeps or works, his philosophy is simple. If you need him, he does appear seemingly out of nowhere. And, he spends as much time with you as you enjoy, not always prioritizing his producing unless it’s urgent or he’s on an inspiration streak. Which is great anyway, you can sit next to him listening. It’s the right balance of work and play.
Yoongi is not above blatantly showing off. Actually, he goes for an act of stunning pretty often. You know how cats parade around whatever they just caught. He wants to impress you with assets and accolades and appraisals, the boy can’t help it. That you only lightly nod at most of it with a little smile will confuse him but he will get the point later on. You wanna signal Yoongi that you anchor your love for him not in shifting numbers and chunky metal pieces.
That you don’t confuse his signs of outward worth and fame with the core of the guy you find the sweetest in the world is very important to him. He will take some time to see through that because he’s used to being loved through status and its symbols by people close and afar.
The way you throw yourself at him to give a big smooch in random situations — especially when he doesn’t feel great about himself— rather than only when he say gets a new car is sending him a message. Again, he has to grow into that. He will retreat at the beginning because he feels worthless of your affection on days where he doesn’t feel big and bold and successful. But since he sees you jumping on him because you need only his kind and squishy presence and see him as no different than usual because he’s always Yoongi underneath, your boyfriend will change his mind about it sooner or later. He learns that your presence makes him feel like a billion dollars yourself.
You don’t wallow in the regrets of other people missing the point of Yoongi and instead focus on always understanding him rather than enabling Yoongi into wrong directions. And there are many of those, his mental health can tell you a thing or two about it. He begins to get that you really know what you’re doing and are in it for the real him which makes him feel really loved far underneath all surfaces and images. You accept his fame and admire his work with music which is what he’s truly doing it for but also don’t forget that the most vulnerable Yoongi is the one that you’re there for and not a facade.
NSFW
I know you’re curious. That Yoongi’s sexual style is more than just interesting goes without saying. To give you an idea. Anything steamy with Yoongi means him taking his time. You know, for making it quality. Yoongi wants to grow into the right balance of activity and staying relaxed. He is good at keeping cool and bringing some focus to the madness. He wants to figure out how to be more casual instead of tense and overly preoccupied which he’ll be at the start of the relationship. But the fast learner he is, his nervousness fades way faster than you think.
Yoongi is extremely afraid that he can’t please you or starts to become awkward slash clueless so he darts to the opposite of the spectrum and overperforms, even plays a character. You have enough cool yourself to tell him what to do in the pace that works best. That he stays centered in his body is important for you to teach him. When he gets grounded and juggling his confidence is out of the equation, he fucks the best.
His favorite position besides giving oral — with you on your back — will be doggy style. Man, we gotta talk about that. Slow to upper moderate pace, nothing too all over the place. Yoongi moans very slowly, too, all drawn out. Get ready for a frequent session of some anal to unwind. You heard that right. First, Yoongi will get the two of you into the right rhythm with his hands at the sides of your waist, then, ride it out in slow mo with his right hand properly stimulating you from the front.
By habit, he will add some lube here and there but not use insanely dripping amounts so everything gets messy or he can’t touch you without sliding off anymore. Just enough to slide well. Yoongi is so good at this I swear, it’ll be your favorite thing to relax. He has the restraint and technique to pull it off rather than pulling out, huh. Yoongi is gonna stay inside you for ages. It feels like he’s massaging every spot for some extra time. It’s amazing to slack off your muscles, cool off, and get many a gentle but fulfilling orgasm.
He’s not gonna put you through the hassle of dealing with an anal creampie cleanup so he keeps it wrapped, and mostly focuses on your movements altogether while keeping his own climax smooth and more relieving rather than something that relentlessly knocks him out in one go. Yoongi is good at observing and doesn’t feel the need to chase a violent high which is why he is so great at sex. Fucking with Yoongi leaves a wholesome feeling and you never feel ashamed or guilty, or a sense of being dirty and ruined.
He enjoys having sex to make you feel really good and works his hands on you very respectfully. His goal is to have you wet and pulsing after a long while of getting you there, and putting you to a good night’s sleep. He’d feel terrible if he left you sore or disturbed. He is really passionate, especially with his kisses or when you ask him to slide into very deeply, but Yoongi being brash and controlling is an image out of sight.
Besides giving you the number one heavenly assfucks, Yoongi also likes to work his tongue as we know, and he’ll work it all over. Few body parts of yours have not made contact with that glorious mouth and I say that in the best of ways. You can instruct him to do whatever, Yoongi obliges with radiant joy. And here again, he takes minutes upon minutes. Kissing and kissing and licking and maybe even teasing once or twice to make you smile. You know, a little signature wink. Honoring your skin and every shape is not something that Yoongi has to talk about, he will physically show it and I swear it’ll finally get into your head with every little move, Yoongi has totally surrendered his tongue to your body and worships it.
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Could we have a shy s/o who asks geten out on a date + relationship headcanons please, sorry if this is too much you can pick one or the other if you want✨ btw I love your work, always looking forward to your posts!
Ahh, this was such a cute concept to me! It’s a little longer than usual, and I spent virtually all day on it, so I hope it’s good! And thank youuuu!! That’s awesome, and so appreciated! ^^
Geten’s Shy S/O Asking Him Out:
❈ Your timidity was all-consuming, and really impacted on your social relations. When in a conversation, you'd find yourself unable to look the person in the eyes. Your gaze would drift to the ground, like you didn’t feel worthy enough to even give the illusion of being on their level. A raised head would've sent out the wrong signals. You didn’t want anyone thinking you over-confident, or a narcissist.
❈ Instead, you were seen as a quiet, obedient MLA member, who preferred lone training, but worried incessantly about fighting. After all, that meant interacting with people - something you absolutely did not support.
❈ As such, you'd only spoken with Geten two or three times, in passing. Yet, he was always on your mind. You wanted to extinguish your feelings so, so badly! He was a million times better than you - way out of your league! It was a wonder why you'd ever fallen in the first place. What was the point, when all you'd get was heartbreak?
❈ You were convinced that's all you'd ever get.
❈ But your heart just couldn’t let go.
❈ 3/4 of your word count were probably apologies, so you wouldn’t be surprised if he found you strange.
❈ Surely he wouldn’t want such a shy, soft-spoken partner?
❈ …But you just couldn’t let him go. If you never even tried to court him, he'd find someone else, and it'd destroy you! He was always on your mind, even when he shouldn’t be - you fawned over him, like a desperate fan. He was so strong, so pretty…a violent little cutie. From your rose-tinted perspective, he had no faults.
❈ That fiery attitude might disenchant the average admirer, but at this point, you were a veteran, in way too deep. What you felt…it was infinitely stronger than a crush. It never wavered…never faded.
❈ You had journals full of phrases like "I wish, with the might of all the stars, that you would look at me the way I look at you.", and short pieces proclaiming your love for him. And to really cement this point, you had his name written in hearts. Many hearts. Spanning like,, an entire journal.
❈ You almost worshipped him, as though he were a god, or an entire religion.
❈ …It wasn’t easy, being in love. You were resolved to tell him, but you couldn’t do that in a public area. You'd have to drag him somewhere more private. The thought made you flush. What if he grew suspicious? Or assumed you wanted to hurt him?? Nothing could've been further from the truth. But since you had trouble speaking, and your face would definitely be on fire…he'd be cautious, maybe even angry?
❈ Oh god, you did not want him to be angry! If that happened, you'd chicken out immediately. He'd have you running for the hills, getting the hell out of Deika City and never, ever showing your face there again. And in the worst case, the embarrassment and fear might force you out of Japan. You'd have to change your name, get a new social security number, find a new job and apartment…
❈ Why was it so difficult to confess?? You wanted to be so naturally eloquent with your words, so confident and clever, that he'd be compelled to swoon. You commanded greater mastery over the written word, but you needed to tell him in person. You needed him to hear, to feel the emotion behind them. You had to be taken seriously. You had to try.
❈ So try you did. You managed to catch him as he walked toward one of Deika's many training grounds. You were alone, save for the birds that chirped overhead. The frosty weather bit at your cheeks, but you couldn’t be deterred. Not anymore. It was now or never.
❈ You had the stage, and his full attention. It was so nerve-wracking!
❈ "Geten…! Um, I-I've really admired - uh, liked!...Loved! Yeah…um, I've…for a while now, a-and…I wanted to tell you…! So, uh…if it i-isn't too much trouble, um…p-please go out with me!"
❈ You stood with a lowered head, uncomfortably basking in the silence that followed. You couldn’t meet his eyes, for fear of seeing an emotion you knew you wouldn’t be able to bear.
❈ "…Go out? Where would we go?"
❈ You looked up, mouth hanging open in shock. A light blush sat atop his cheeks…so he'd understood your feelings, at least.
❈ "U-Uh…it means…um…" Your voice got progressively quieter, as you realised that you had to teach him what a relationship actually was.
❈ "Speak up. You're hard to hear." He huffed, though he didn’t seem angry.
❈ Okay, so I don't have to move countries.
❈ "It's, um…d-d-dating…? It's m-more than friends, like uh…r-romantic…holding hands and k-k-kissing and stuff…!"
❈ He blushed harder, and despite his efforts to hide it under the fur of his Parka, you saw it. There was another round of silence, like he was considering the pros and cons of 'dating' you.
❈ Finally, he reached a decision.
❈ "I guess…I'll 'go out' with you."
& Relationship Headcanons:
❈ This boy doesn't know a ton about love, so you're gonna have to teach him what it means to: 1) have a partner, and 2) show affection toward said partner. He's never been in a position quite like this before, so he's definitely a slow-starter.
❈ Make no mistake, though - he does love you. And due to both his ideology and strength, he's fiercely loyal and protective. If you have a 'weak' Meta Ability, he'll be a little disappointed (for the future generation, y'know?), but it just means he has to shield you from any and all dangers. It's a responsibility he cherishes. He's never really had to look out for anyone but himself, so it's a nice change of pace.
❈ Initially, he isn't sure about the whole 'dating' and 'lovers' thing. You're still incredibly shy, and whenever he tries to hold your hand, you go bright red and shuffle your feet awkwardly. He'll take that the wrong way.
❈ It takes many, many weeks for you to gather up the courage to ask for a kiss. Geten obliges almost instantly, but hesitates when he sees you shaking.
❈ It's more from excitement than embarrassment, but he doesn't know that.
❈ Of course you're excited! You're finally, finally gonna kiss the boy you love. But you're also nervous. It's your first kiss, after all. You want it to be perfect, but you're scared you're gonna mess up. And if you do, you're worried he'll hate you. If you mess up, you ruin the experience for two people.
❈ So you make 10000% sure he's okay with it, and you make him swear on his life that he won't be mad at you.
❈ He's of the opinion that you can always try again, but in your mind, it's a life or death scenario.
❈ If you take too long, over-think (no doubt you will) or start to falter, he'll just crash your lips together, albeit sloppily. He doesn't care about gentle or rough, messy or clean…as long as you're connected. He'll place one hand on your waist, and pin you to the wall. For someone so inexperienced, his movements gradually get more professional.
❈ In reality, he's researching this for you
❈ You'll snuggle up to Geten during the summer months, because despite his inability to create ice, his body temperature is still quite low.
❈ You get to see him without the Parka. No-one gets to see him without the Parka. Consider yourself a lucky, lucky bastard.
❈ Your shyness won't disappear, but around Geten, you definitely become more composed. After a few months, or even a year, that is. In the beginning, you're nothing but a nervous, stuttering wreck, who can't stand beside him for more than ten seconds without melting.
❈ Oh, you might want those plane tickets after all, because he's gonna find your journals eventually (when he's absolutely head-over-heals in love with you). Don't worry though, he'll think they're cute, and a testament to how amazing you are as a partner.
❈ Honestly, your heart holds so much value to him. He'll never, ever let you give it to someone else. He's whipped - completely, totally…and he isn't afraid to admit it!
❈ Once the PLF is formed, he'll seek you out to join the Violet Regiment (but be in the same room as Dabi, and blood will be shed).
❈ Everyone headcanons him as Geten's biggest romantic rival, and I'm not here to argue with that
❈ He's bad with words, so he'll rely on actions! Just don't expect any PDA (unless he's jealous)!! <3
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n.jm: where are you?
summary: jaemin is just a little (very) misunderstood
pairing: highschool!fboi!jaemin x fem!reader
note: gUESS WHOSE BACK IN TOWN?!?!?!? y’all already know the routine: poor grammar, crackheads, a fuck ton of cursing i think, and drug references (*coughs* stoner-boi!haechan *coughs*). this isn’t the last part so theres def gonna be a part three, i just have too much to write for jaemin and i don’t wanna rush things too much, but i also don’t wanna leave you all hanging. so enjoy. but also make sure to read part one first so you can be in the know~
“because she knew that i was in love with you”
it took you a good m i n u t e to register jaemin’s words, not that you even comprehended the weight of his words either.
you didn’t know how to respond so like a normal person you started laughing awkwardly to ease the tension, “you’re joking right?”
he hAD to be bc there was no way in hell that the biggest fuckboy of the whole school, na jaemin once harbored a one-sided love for you, right?
a small flash of hurt flashed across jaemin’s eyes that you couldn’t catch since his whole demeanor immediately brighten u again and one of his signature playful smiles on was back on his face.
.“i can’t ever fool you can i?” he chuckled shaking his head.
“no but seriously, why didn’t you go to hoco sophomore year? you were supposed to be hoco royalty with ella,” you picked at the melting ice cream.
jaemin shrugged, “maybe i just didn’t feel like it.”
he seems so nonchalant on the outside, but on the inside, na jaemin is thinking of 1001 ways to disappear off the face of the earth.
what did he expect in the first place? that you would just accept his belated confession that quickly?
but he’s now big s a d, but he ain't going let that show. no, no, no, it ruins his go-with-the-flow personality and the “playboy” role everyone put him in.
:(
“do you have something to do after school tomorrow?” jaemin asked once the two had finished your sundae and the two of you were waiting for your ride to come to pick you up.
you shook your head at his question, knowing that haechan would mostly like ditch your afterschool hang out to get high with mark or chill at that one girl's house
“why?” you asked.
“how about we hang out then?” jaemin asked so casually. he was just that good at hiding his real feels
“can i ask why you’re suddenly trying to hang out with me more often? its weird” you say back, not like the feeling that was bubbling in your throat. was he trying to mess around with you? did he run out of girls to play with?
jaemin pouted slightly, ‘i’m simply trying to reconnect with my old friend. besides, i need help with the prom decorations and since you already finished it, you should know how to do them quickly.”
“i’ll see” is all you say.
and you leave, not knowing what you did to his poor little heart.
poor jaemin got ghosted bc you never reached out to him in the days to follow to “hang out”. the two of you would make eye contact at school, but you always quickly looked away.
:( x 10
it wasn’t that jaemin was shock by your cold treatment, but he was holding onto the hope that you didn’t see him as na jaemin the resident fuckboi, but as na jaemin the boy who was once the prince to your little princess. except jaemin knew very well that this isn’t a fairy tale, just cruel reality.
life is a little bitch and it was messing him the fuck up!
however, na jaemin is a coward and he knows this.
which is why he feels more comfortable when he’s surrounded by others wearing the mask that was carefully crafted for him than when he’s all by himself.
bc when’s he completely alone, when no one is around, he’s left with no one but himself.
the one person he hates the most in the world.
when did it begin?
when did he care more about what others think than what he thought? when did he begin to follow the crowd?
when did he lose himself?
maybe it began around sophomore year, when he first agreed to date ella. something that he wouldn’t have agreed to if it weren’t for you asking that of him.
he could never say no to you. the one who held his heart in the palm of his hands.
did he ever like ella?
he tried to, but it was kinda hard when the only reason why he said yes to her confession was to make you happy. he remembered the way your eyes lit up in happiness as he and ella broke the news to you
you looked like the happiest girl in the world and he felt his heart race at the sight, but not when ella confess to him.
it was useless pining, he knew that. you only saw him as a close friend and especially now that he was with your bestfriend.
that was why he tried soooooo hard to get himself to feel things for ella.
he spent most of his time with her, even ditching his homie student-athlete!jeno (who he often found himself feeling jealous of when he found out that jeno crashed at your house to have a movie marathon with you multiple times)
but he just couldn’t feel anything for ella. so he began to lie.
the first time he lied, it ate him up inside. the simple three words, eight letters phrase was hard to say when you don’t actually mean it.
but as jaemin found himself repeating the lie over and over again, the guilt that was always lingering in the back of his mind slowly went away until he had gotten used to it.
it became natural for him to lie.
to everyone and to himself
people always told him that it must be nice having a face like his, but every time he looked in the mirror, he felt nothing but hatred for the person staring back at him.
at school, he did nothing but play the charming guy that everyone saw him as. he did things that would please the crowd and he felt good when they responded the way he wanted. he overlooked things that he once thought was wrong just to be in good graces with the others.
when donghyuck had his little altercation with jeno, jaemin never felt more jealous in his life. donghyuck chose to be himself, he broke free of the mold that everyone fit him in. he had the courage that jaemin doesn’t
if someone told him to take off his persona, he wouldn’t know what to do. he’s lived this way for so long that he had forgotten who he really was. what he really wanted in life. what truly made him happy.
was he even happy? jaemin didn’t know.
which is why he didn’t know what to do when he overheard ella’s conversation with one of her other friends.
“do we really have to invite y/n too? i don’t want her do come with us to hoco. she’s such a party pooper.”
“i don’t want to either, but i’m only keeping her around because she’s the reason why i’m with jaemin in the first place.”
“isn’t weird that the two of them have been close friends for a while and she hasn’t had any feeling for him?”
“she did,” he hears ella admit. “until i told her that i liked jaemin and then she totally dropped him like that for me.”
“she’s kind of annoying though, always hanging around the two of you. she’s kinda clingy too, no one even likes her in our group.”
“just deal with her for now and we can ice her out later.”
FAKE BITCHES
anyways, jaemin didn’t know what to do so he walked away and pretended that he didn’t hear the conversation. but there's only so much he can just ignore, and this is one of them.
the familiar guilt comes crawling up every time he sees you, smiling with the people that called themselves your “friends”.
it doesn’t take long for jaemin to come to the realization that he’s surrounded by liars. and enough is enough.
well, he still has an image to maintain.
so he chose to break up with ella and actually tell the truth for once, but only to her. to be honest, the truth was kinda forced to come out by itself.
“what do you mean that you’re not going?” he hears ella’s frantic voice and the music playing in the background. maybe it wasn’t a good idea to do the breaking up part the night of homecoming.
good work, jaemin.
“i don’t think that this is going to work between us. i’m sorry”
was he really?
“but you said that you loved me!”
that was just a lie. he thought to himself. “i just don’t feel the same anymore, ella, please understand.” i never did.
“it’s because of her isn’t it? you’ve been in love with y/n this whole time haven’t you?” and jaemin’s blood runs cold.
the music was gone, so ella must have gone to a more quieter, private place.
“i’m not blind jaemin. the way you looked at her, the way you always find yourself next to her; i saw it all,” ella begins “i knew ever since you said yes to me.”
“then why didn’t you say anything? you just let me lie to you like that?”
“lying is the best solution, jaemin, you should know that the best.”
lying is bad kids, don’t do - admin minnie
jaemin could already feel the backlash he was going to receive. he spent the entire hoco night at home preparing himself for the shit that was going to go down the next day at school.
except nothing happened to him.
you had received the hatred, the eyeing, the whispers. you were the one that was iced out, outcasted, not jaemin.
jaemin was too afraid for the same thing happening to him, so he turned his head the other way.
“i just don’t understand why everyone is giving y/n the silent treatment. why are they mad at her? what did she do?” jaemin shrugs at jeno’s angry rant.
jeno had the right to be mad, you were dragged in to be jaemin’s scapegoat.
“and why did you break up with ella anyways? i thought everything was going good?”
“i was bored.”
it was pure irony and the biggest bitch slap in jaemin’s face that you had befriended lee donghyuck, the one person that he envied so wholeheartedly.
jaemin couldn’t do anything, no, he didn’t want to do anything he didn’t want to step out of the little safety persona that he created for himself. he didn’t want to lose all the people that surrounded him. he doesn’t want to be alone.
he hates being alone.
he’ll much rather take on the role of the fuckboy that he hates so much if that meant that people would still stick around him.
which brings him to his current dilemma
“i don’t see why you don’t just put up the image and just go with ella to hoco,” art-hoe!renjun says as the two of them walk to english “the two of you are both going to be king and queen anyways, just go.”
“maybe,” jaemin says, eliciting in a pointed glare from renjun
“you can’t just ditch prom just because of her, this the last year and are you really going to go down as the prom king that didn’t show up to prom?”
“i won’t win for sure, so there's really no point in me going,” jaemin replies
renjun rolls his eyes, and he taps a random passing student on the shoulder, “who do you think is going to win prom royalty this year?” he asks the stranger.
without missing a beat, the student replies, “jaemin and ella, why?”
and renjun’s face is the exact embodiment of i-told-you-so
instead of that motivating jaemin to actually go, it actually made him WANT to skip out on the event even more
“y/n ask to me to ask you if you gave ella all of the decorations for prom or something like that,” jeno tells him at lunch, causing jaemin’s eyes to drift over to you and haechan.
he wonders what the two of you are talking about that has you smiling that hard. he wonders what haechan has that he doesn't.
maybe its his natural-born charisma? not the artificial type that jaemin has mastered the act of.
“earth to jaemin,” jeno waves a hand in front of his friend’s face.
“sorry, yeah, i’m turning it in after school,” he replies, eyes lingering on you for one more second before focusing on the food on his tray, “besides, she could have asked me directly.”
“she had dinner at my house last night,” jeno replies, “what’s got your panties in a twist anyway?”
“not all of us is about to confess our feelings to our puppy crush, lover boy,” renjun pipes in.
jeno’s ears turn a tinge of pink, but jaemin wasn't focused on that.
and jeno might be a bit slow academically, but jaemin is his best buddy, his platonic soulmate.something was up.
“you have three seconds to spill before i will actually expose where you were hoco sophomore year to y/n” jeno threatens
“tell her, it’s not going to make a difference anyways,” jaemin pokes at his food “she has no interest in me what’s so over. i’m just another one of those fuckboys in her eyes.”
jeno and renjun share a look, before renjun decides to break the news to jaemin
“you haven’t been talking to her lately right?” renjun starts and jaemin nods
“the last time we talk was two weeks ago,” jaemin replies “she doesn’t have any other reason to interact with me like she does with jeno”
“before we continue with this conversation, can the green-eyed monster please leave the room?” renjun takes a small jab at jaemin.
“i’m not jealous,” jaemin looks up with an irked glare at renjun.
“then did you really need to mention jeno?” renjun returns the look with an annoyed expression of his own
jaemin scoffs, “you don’t understand, so don’t say anything,”
“tell me what i don’t understand then? because right now i have feeling the only reason you’re so pent up and annoyed is that you’re jealous, jaemin.”
“shut up,” jaemin snaps. “i’m not jealous.”
smiley and easy-going jaemin is gone out the door. everything coming out of renjun’s mouth is making him angrier and angrier and jaemin didn’t even know why.
renjun was speaking the truth. jaemin was jealous, but was he going to admit that?
nope
“it’s okay to be jealous,” jeno says, meaning to ease the slowly growing tension, but jeno’s attempts to mediate the conversation made jaemin even madder.
“can the two get the fuck off my case and leave me alone? i’m not jealous so stop acting like you know how i feel,” jaemin clenches his jaw “it’s really fucking annoying.”
“oh really now?” renjun fires back “it’s really fucking annoying how you expect the two of us to have your back, which we always do, and be fully okay with you going around town acting like a man whore and then being prissy about how the girl you’re interested in this time isn’t interested in you. this isn’t some type of cliche teen romance movie jaemin, grow a pair and deal with it.”
“so you think i’m a man whore too?” jaemin says sarcastically, rolling his eyes, “nice to know that my best friends think so highly of me.”
“jaemin, you know he doesn’t mean it like that,” jeno says.
“then what? it seems to me that you guys have been having a blast talking behind my back and lying about it to my face.”
“when did we say that?” jeno’s eyebrows furrow.
“you don’t need to say it for me to know,” jaemin spits “it’s written all over your faces.”
“i’m done,” renjun stands up, “when you’re ready to grow the fuck up and stop being a fucking dick bag, then find me.”
jaemin doesn’t even bother watching renjun leaving the table, anger was still consuming him. was it anger or frustration?
there was scream lodged in his throat that he wanted to release to the world. a pained scream of helplessness.
“hey jaemin,” jeno has a hard look on his face. he too stands up and leaves with some hard-hitting words, “learn to get over that ridiculously big ego of yours. not everything is about you.”
and jaemin is left at the lunch table
alone
fuck, he thinks to himself. fuck everything.
yeah, no way in hell was jaemin going to prom. no fucking way.
“looks like there’s trouble in paradise,” haechan gestures with his head to the table, near the center.
jaemin’s table, except, it’s literally only jaemin sitting there.
out of the corner of your eyes, you could see and angry renjun followed by an equally ticked of jeno stalking off.
“looks like the pretty boy is left by himself,” haechan remarks. “i wonder what happened?
“why are you saying that like you know what just went down?” you squint your eyes at the boy, who merely shrugs.
“spill”
“give me fifty bucks.”
“fuck off”
not long after, you hear a loud slam. jaemin stands up, his eyes quickly met yours and he looked away, going with haste out the cafeteria’s doors.
and you’re left wondering what the fuck went down at the norenmin table.
“okay, i’m done with all the fucking vague answers,” you stare down haechan, trying to intimidate an answer out of the stoner.
“why the fuck did jaemin not go to homecoming sophomore year and do not give me a smartass answer because i will without a doubt flush your weed stash down the drain and break your juul pens to bits. now, spill.”
damn, y/n going in for the kill
haechan hesitates before a sigh leaves his lips, “i don’t pride myself on much other than my ridiculously good looks and my ability to bargain good weed deals, but long long before i became so awesome-”
“cut to the chase”
“chill, bitch, i was getting there. anyways, i was basically jaemin’s confide,” haechan admits. “that’s why he’s so awkward around me, i basically know all of his personal secrets and all that jazz.”
and you’re shocked bc haechan is really reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllly petty with both of the ts bolded, and he has not once let any private info slip about jaemin, like the kind of deep shit, you’d write in your diaries.
not once sober or faded or drunk. the loud ass himself kept his lips seals which is an incredible feat already.
“don’t look at me like that, i’m a dick, but i’m not that big of dick,” haechan mutters “we all have things we don’t want the world to know “
“okay i won’t question that, but why didn’t he just go? i mean it’s just a school dance, right? its not that big of deal,” you don’t understand the extreme mystery or drama around jaemin’s non-appearance.
haechan shakes his head, “jaemin isn’t a simple as people make him out as, sure he fucks around with girls a lot, but like me, he wasn’t always like that.”
you nod in understanding, agreeing with the point haechan made
jaemin for sure wasn’t the same person that you knew right now. he was always a sweet boy with sweet words, but before high school, he never went around messing around with other girls
“the only choice that jaemin ever made his sophomore year that was his actual choice for his own self was to not go to homecoming, for a good reason too”
“can you be a little bit more detailed?” you urged again, curiosity flowing through you.
“he didn't go because for once he didn't want to be associated with that crowd, he didn't want to be surrounded by people who hardly gave a damn how he felt, only who he was”
haechan’s words reside in you for the longest time and you finally got a glimpse of what your normally stoned friend meant through an accidental eavesdrop of a conversation
“im not going ella, it's final,” jaemin’s voice has no trace of the playful, flirty tone it usually held. he was stern and hard with his words.
“are you really going to embarrass me again, jae?” ella sounded desperate “its just one dance. all you have to do is stand by my side and smile until we get those stupid crowns and take yearbook pictures”
“if you think they’re stupid crowns then why are you making me go?” jaemin argues back.
“you should be glad that i even helped you with your campaign. why else do you think everyone is voting for you?”
and jaemin’s voice goes to a lower, warning tone, “i’ve never ask to be nominated for royalty much less fucking prom king. i don't care what you or anyone has to say, i’m not fucking going to prom.”
your eyes meet jaemin’s as he walks past the aisle you were standing at (totally not peeping into his convo)
he has an emotionless face on and doesn't say anything as he leaves
ella quickly follows but stops when she sees you.
“forget everything you heard, he’s going to prom!”
jokes on you ella, bc hes not going anywhere
guess who joined the i’m-ditching-school-because-i’m-an-emotional-wreck club!!
the next three days were hectic at school, everyone was excited for the big dance on saturday. there were last-minute promposals and girls were showing off their sparkly, expensive dresses to each other.
however, the one person that was missing and had you looking for all week was, na jaemin.
where the fuck was he now?
“have you seen jaemin? i haven't seen him at school lately,” you asked jeno, who was sitting in the library diligently waiting for his tutor/crush to arrive.
the number of times you received an “idk” from one of jaemin’s other friends was ridiculous and it was like they didn’t even care that he skipped school for three days or where he was.
jaemin might be a bit on the wild side, but he’s not the type to completely ditch school for three whole days straight. that was haechan’s job.
the only people you could rely on was jeno and renjun, but the latter was more agitated at jaemin than jeno was, so you figured that the athlete was the safer option.
“i have an idea of where he is, but i have a feeling he doesn't want to see anyone, especially today,” jeno replies. news of the norenmin argument traveled quickly around the school along with the fact that jaemin had rejected ella’s prom request. there were some rumors that were being spread about the male and they weren’t all that nice.
you knew deep inside that the two of them weren’t actually mad at jaemin, they (especially jeno) was just frustrated.
“can you slide the address though?” you asked, sliding up next to him
“why would i do that?”
“because you owe me a solid”
truthfully, you didn’t know what you were going to do with jaemin’s address and it’s been weighing you down the whole day.
“you going to prom?” haechan slides into the seat next to you. for once, there were no sunglasses covering his eyes.
you shook your head,” i don’t have anyone to go with.”
“you should have just asked mark to go with you,” haechan pointed out to which you gagged loudly.
“as if i would bring an actual twelve-year-old boy to prom, he’ll probably say let’s get it every two seconds and then my hand might just actually slip and punch his face or dunk his head into the disgusting kool-aid punch..”
“damn, and i thought i hated him.”
you rolled your eyes, “what about you? did you plan to confess to mina yet?”
“i was thinking about going old school and do one of those typical high school romeo and juliet scenes,” haechan said smugly. “might throw a shoe or two if i have to.”
you shake your head in disbelief, “be civil at least.”
“but i also can’t leave my main bitch alone for prom night so why don’t go to prom or hang out with the biggest thot in town?” haechan suggested.
“haechan, ten graduated high school like 3 years ago. i doubt he wants to spend his free time on a saturday night at a high school dance with me.”
facepalm.
“i’m not talking about that ultimate thot.”
“jungwoo is also in college.”
another fat facepalm.
“honestly, i thought you had at least ONE functioning brain cell,” haechan groaned “i’m talking about na jaemin.”
“what do you want me to do with him? the two of us aren’t exactly friends,” you mumble.
“exactly, use this time to spend some time with him or something. get closer or get laid, i don’t care, just don’t be a loner tomorrow,” haechan replies. “i can’t be friends with a lameo.”
“he hasn’t shown up for school in like three days and tomorrow is prom night,” you argue “besides, i don’t know where he’s even at.”
“that’s the fattest lie i have ever heard leave your mouth and you told mr. moon that his moon tie looked good on him. i know for a fact that you have his address saved on your phone, which is kinda creepy now that i think about it, but that’s beside the point.”
“why do you care so much? i thought you hated him,” you eyed haechan weirdly.
“because that moron needs someone to help him out and whose more suited for the job herself than the girl that was hopelessly in love with him all sophomore year.”
you smack his arm,”i should have never trusted you with my diary. besides, i don’t like him like that anymore.”
“then why do you worry about him so much?” haechan pointed out. ‘why did you go to jeno for jaemin’s whereabouts if you supposedly didn’t like him anymore.”
“caring about someone is different from liking them,” you chided him “you should know best since it took you months to realize that you were in love with mina.”
“stfu i’m supposed to be the wise teacher and you’re the young grasshopper.” haechan shushed you with a finger which you swatted away.
“i’m not joking around though, just go see what’s up,” haechan nudged you. “trust me, it’s worth it.”
“wow did love turn the hardest bitch in town, soft?”
“you know, i might actually just push you off stoner’s cliff one day when you’re not looking,” haechan narrowed his eyes at you.
“lol, as if i haven’t noticed that you haven’t been getting high since mina left your pathetic ass,” you pointed out.
and haechan h i s s e s.
but your stoner friend did have a point and you decide to listen to his advice for the first time in your life.
letting out a nervous breath, you rang the doorbell, a plastic bag full of junk food in your other hand. it was currently 8 pm and prom had already started. jaemin’s car was parked in the driveway, proving that he really didn’t go to prom.
“what are you doing here?” were the first words out of jaemin’s mouth when he saw you.
you raised the bag full of snacks, “do you wanna have that hang out now?”
there's a nervous feeling in your stomach, bc you don’t know if jaemin was going to reject you or not. he doesn’t have his usual cassanova, playful smile on. his face is completely neutral.
“don’t you have better things to do? like, go to prom?”
you awkwardly laugh, “about that, i’m not going.”
“why?”
“why aren’t you going?” you countered.
fair enough, jaemin relents and moves aside to let you in. there’s some lo-fi music playing in the background and a couple of books and paper strewn about the living room floor.
“my parents are on a business trip, so it’s just me,” jaemin informs you.
“cool,” you internally smack yourself bc jaemin didn’t really seem happy with ur sudden appearance. “were you just doing ur homework?”
“yeah, i have nothing else to do,” he says, cleaning up the area for u to sit. you sit down carefully and placed the bag of snacks at the base of your feet.
“did you want anything to drink?” jaemin moved to go into the kitchen. you shook your head but jaemin still pulled out two water bottles from the fridge. (save the turtles)
you look around the house, taking in the family portraits and the minimal home decor. you’ve only been to jaemin’s house a handful of times as a kid, and a lot has changed in those past few years, but some things stayed the same. on the fireplace mantle, there was a framed picture of norenminhyuck smiling with the brightest grins.
“jeno gave me crap for weeks for not taking down that picture of us four,” jaemin followed your gaze as places the two water bottles on the glass coffee table.
“why didn’t you take it down, then?” you curiously ask
taking a seat on the couch, jaemin shrugged, “sentimental value?”
and the two left it at that.
cue the awkward silence.....
“jaemin?”
he looks at you with a questioning glance
“why exactly did you and ella break up?”
jaemin lets out a sigh. he’s been anticipating the question but not now and definitely not your sudden appearance.
“there's no point in making excuse to you,” jaemin pauses before continuing “i never really liked her in the first place.”
and you look over in shock? bc the two of them were literally the couple of the year, a model example of a high school relationship.
“then why?”
“why did i say yes?” jaemin’s gaze was focused on you, leaving you unnerved. there was no sign of the cheeky jaemin, he looked completely serious. something no one really saw that often. “because thats what you wanted me to say.”
????????? - y/n’s mind
“jeno had told me that ella had urged you to introduce me to her and had confessed to you that she liked me. he told me you felt tasked with fulfilling her wish and took it upon your self to set the two of us up. i’m not stupid, y/n. i could tell by the way you planned double-dates with jeno and ella and i,” jaemin explained. there was slight embarassment on your side, sophomore you was not the best matchmaker. “but i only showed up for you. i could care less that ella was there, the only person that i wanted to see and impress was you.”
“i-“
“and i knew that you liked me too. i was expecting for you to confess to me when you told me to meet you behind the gym, but you let ella take the chance.”
“because she really liked you a lot, jaemin, and she was a close friend of mine”
“so you were willing to give up your happiness for someone who was using you to get to me?” jaemin asked bluntly.
you looked down at your fingers, feeling somewhat ashamed, “i was only worried about fitting in with the crowd at that time. i wanted people to like me.” you confessed. “after the whole fiasco, i learned to live for myself rather than for others, albeit with a little help from haechan.”
“you see, i wish i could be as brave as you to do that.” jaemin meekly smiles at you “because i’m still people-pleasing.”
“i only said yes to ella to make you happy but then everyone was congratulating me and there were more and more people by my side. i thought jeno, renjun, and donghyuck were enough to last me through high school, but the attention got to my head. i knew that no matter how much i hated ella, i couldn’t break up with because i thrive off the crowd she brought me. i thought that if i lie enough, i could make myself gain feelings for her. she was a kind and outgoing person, so i didn't think it would be that hard, except it never did happen,” jaemin sucked in his breath “i overheard a conversation by accident to one of her other friends and it was about you, about how they just used to you to get to me even though the knew you liked me. i knew that then i was surrounded by so many liars all with the same goal of getting in good with everyone.”
he continued on “the reason why i didn't want to go to hoco was bc i felt guilty. i didn't want to be another person that lived for the crowd and i knew that i would've sealed my future if i did go and get crowned king with ella. for once, i didn't want to be a liar. i just wanted to be myself.”
and then he bitterly chuckled to himself, “which is ironic since the next day i chased after the crowd again. i let you take the blame for me just because i was afraid of being outcasted even though it was my fault you had to suffer the consequences of my lie.”
“jaemin-“
“and then i kept pretending to be that stupid fuckboy that everyone painted me as just to be in the it-crowd or whatever. i don’t have anything special like how renjun has art and jeno has his sports, even haechan had something special like choir back in those days. i had nothing, i wasn’t known for anything and i’m still not known for anything other than being a fuckboy. i’m just na jaemin at the end of the day, talented in messing around with girls.”
“do you feel happy?” you carefully asked after jaemin finished his rant.
jaemin’s barely smiling at this point, “what do you think?”
“you know, i was never really mad about you about the whole ella situation,” you scooted closer to him on the couch. “at first, i blamed you because that was the easier option, pin the blame on someone else. until a certain someone told me to fuck what they say and live my own way.”
“haechan?”
you nodded, “he was the first person that i didn’t pretend or try to cater myself to fit his needs. we’re alike in that department, jaemin, we both want to be liked. i’m not going to lie, the first few months of being outcasted was hard on me. sometimes, i still get sad when i think about the day where everyone just abandoned me.”
“i’m sorry.”
“there’s no need to be sorry, jaemin because i can hardly care about it that much anymore. do you know why?”
jaemin shook his head ‘no’
“because i learned that being by myself isn’t that bad. we’re all scared of being lonely, it’s human nature, but our fears often cause us to forget that we still have ourselves.” you placed a hand on his shoulder “once you learn to befriend yourself, no one’s opinion will matter more than your own. learn to cater to yourself, learn to live for yourself. don’t just be you, live as you.”
“easier said than done,” the remark left jaemin’s lips bitterly, causing you to slightly frown. “it’s hard to learn to be friends with myself when i’m the person i hate the most. i hate the person who looks back at me in the mirror. i hate just hate what i’ve let myself become.”
“it’s never too late to change,” you say.
jaemin shook his head, he blinked quickly to clear his now glassy eyes, “it’s to the point where i don’t even know i am anymore.”
“you’re na jaemin,” you say with a little more force this time. you didn’t like the defeated tone that jaemin was talking in, this wasn’t the confident and every positive boy that you grew up with. this wasn’t the boy that stole your heart in the third grade and kept it till sophomore year. “the boy that never hesitates to help someone else and can light up the room with just one smile.”
“you don’t have to pity me, it was a grave i dug for myself.”
letting out a harsh sigh, you moved to take jaemin’s face into your hands, staring deep into his doe-eyed brown ones, which widened in response to your sudden action.
big moves, y/n, big moves
“i know it may be hard to see, but jaemin you’re way more than what they think of you. you can always change as long as you have the will to do so,” you wipe away a stray tear that was falling onto his cheek. jaemin didn’t even notice that he was crying. “it’s a difficult and long process, but it’ll be worth it in the end. trust me.”
“what if no one wants to be around me anymore? what if i end up alone? “ doubt filled his tone, and your eyes soften at the vulnerability of the boy. he was scared, lost, and confused.
“i’ll be with you. anywhere you’re at, i’ll be there by your side even if no one else will. you’re a precious person, you don’t deserve any less,” you smiled. “i won’t let you be alone.”
maybe jaemin was just being emotional. maybe it was the contained feelings that he held for you that was being released. maybe it was the way you looked at him with so much concern and the way you delicately held his face.
whatever motivated him to do what he was going to do next, jaemin could hardly care less.
without any hesitation, jaemin leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to your lips.
right now, jaemin didn’t feel lost or alone. you found him and he hoped that you’ll stay.
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How to say I love you (5)
A/N: Look, I don’t intend to change what’s written below and just above the story itself. You guys have to bear with this long ass introduction every time. On some unrelated news, first story of 2021! Whoop! Watch me as I update this one next year. lmao no. I’ll try my best to write the next prompt. Oh and as far as I know, this one serves as an AU since S2 is released.
Stay safe people!
Special thanks to: @grimpower-s . My super duper proofreader! My beta! You are simply the best person to ever exist! Thanks for putting up with my mushroom tendencies! Pop pop!
One of the reasons why I haven’t posted this was because of the sucky title. Let me know if you guys have better ideas. The other reason was just I’m too lazy to post this. My betas knew that I had a name written here but I had to revert to second person since… this is tumblr. (Though, the last name is predetermined already, don’t fight me on this.) Let me know if this sucks or if you guys like it.
Also some reminders:
Five is eighteen in this fic
The apocalypse had already happened
(Spoiler) They are sent back in time
And there are some of the 43 involved in this fic- there are 16 actually. Find them all and hit me in my asks if you knew the reference of the names.
Alternatively: 7 times he confessed and the 1 time she accepted his confession / 8 ways to say I Love You
Fandom: The Umbrella Academy
Pairing: Five Hargreeves x Fem!reader
Prompt: This prompt is brought to you by R. McKinley (you write beautifully, may I just say) and @chickenshit‘s photo edit. I did say that I’m gonna write something about this, right?
=Masterlist=
Despite her being great at nearly everything, hearing is not one of them. (Which her whole family can attest to. Either because they had to repeat themselves for her to hear them or they had to shout to gain her attention.)
When Five first noticed that trait of hers, he had theorised that she liked to practice selective hearing whenever she's around people, in which she debunked and confessed that she just liked to crank the volume of her earphones up to its maximum capacity.
When asked why, she would simply shrug and playfully say that it's easier to keep people away from her. (Five thinks she just liked internalising the songs she listened to... just like his brother, Klaus, much to his dismay)
Regardless of her quite near deafness, she still liked using earphones whenever she felt like it. Several people had already tried to rid her bad habit by giving her speakers on some occasions but she insisted on using earphones whenever she listened to music. Much louder that way, she would often say.
And so, it wasn't a surprise for him to hear faint harmonies of trumpets and cellos as he rounded up the corner of her family's mansion, finding himself witnessing what seemed to be a private moment for her.
Now, having grown up under the tutelage of one Reginald Hargreeves- the most stubborn and strict father in the entire universe and maybe even in some parallel and alternate realities too- Five never had the luxury of appreciating the mundane things people speak of.
It was always training, enhancing his abilities and missions for him.
And then, there's that apocalypse mishap.
In the end, he couldn't understand what 'mundane' meant.
...until now.
There, in the middle of the kitchen she stood, looking as radiant as always- what with her hair thrown lazily in a low ponytail, her eyes still laced with remnants of sleep, and her clothes as ruffled as can be, dancing along to the music in her ears.
Looking at her now, he would've had a hard time telling that she had snuck out in the dead of the night, her inner demons getting the best of her and now here she was, dancing without a care in the world.
Why was he here anyway?
Oh yeah, he needed to speak with that brazen older brother of hers.
He needed to talk to Jack- he really, really needed to talk to her brother- however, for some reason it felt like his feet were glued on the spot, his eyes never leaving her figure as if he was entranced by a fae dancing by the morning light.
Just as he became in tuned with her presence, he knew that this girl had developed a keen sense of his whereabouts because the next thing he knew, he was being pulled towards her- where on earth did this unnecessary strength come from?- and tugged him into some weird poorly choreographed dance moves.
He knew that with her upbringing, she excelled in social dancing, the same way Reginald had painstakingly ingrained social dancing upon him and his siblings so why did it feel like she's been born with two left feet instead?
He had to admit, social dancing is something he has adequate skills in but dancing in general had never been his strong suit and yet, having been pulled into an impromptu dance party, he found himself not hating it.
It felt silly- him dancing to a faint and almost non-existent music in the middle of someone else's kitchen but seeing her smiling at him, mouthing the words to the song, and satisfied with him dancing along with her, made everything feel less silly.
He didn't know what prompted the feeling- was it her radiant smile? Or the way she closed her eyes as her face morphed into the appropriate emotion to the song she was mouthing to, or the stray melody that would leave her mouth unintentionally or maybe... just the way the situation all felt so raw- so candid to him.
He just felt the need- the overpowering emotion taking over his system. It's not like she's gonna hear the words, right? Afterall, she's as deaf as she could be.
"I love you,"
There was a sharp intake of breath- one that never came from him but rather from the girl in front of him, her feet skidded slightly from the miscalculated momentum from the sudden halting of her movements, her mouth slightly agape while he scrambled to catch her should she fall.
He couldn't have gotten a better timing, as soon as the words left his lips, the faint music he had been hearing disappeared all of the sudden- a sign that her performance had come to an end.
Grimacing, he let out a residual laugh- one that could be mistaken from his stolen breath. "-r shirt. Is it new?" he added hastily though they both knew it was too late, stumbling on the words and he wasn't quick enough to salvage his embarrassment.
Silence engulfed them as she reached out, closing her phone and effectively putting the playlist into pause, tilting her head at him with a smirk playing upon her lips.
"I never thought I'd see the day where dear little Five Hargreeves complimenting my shirt," she drawled slowly, eyes sweeping over him. "Seriously?"
She's giving him an out- another chance to compose himself and deny what had been uttered in a moment's weakness.
"I love you," the words came out slow as if he was readying himself to whatever cover he would be spitting out. "For not stomping on my feet like a savage person." he tried taking on a slightly chiding tone, hoping this time, it would be believable than the first one.
Pathetic, he wanted to scoff. He's been saying this phrase for what? Five times now and yet, this girl couldn't even take a hint. Honestly, is it that hard to believe?
Or maybe he's not trying hard enough?
She simply stared at him- her eyes seemingly searching for answers, baring his soul easily despite the walls he had built around him.
She let out a laugh. "Gosh, you're hopeless," she stated, reaching for the extra mug she had prepared. "Jack's waiting for you in the backyard." she waved at him, pointing him to where her brother is.
As he took his leave, he couldn't help but feel a slight pang of remorse.
I love you, he wanted to repeat. I love you so much.
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9th of October, 2020
"The One with the Cards Laid Bare"
[INCREDIBLY LONG, SORRY FOR CLOGGING THE TAG]
There were very tense energies in our classroom before V's double class. We already knew she'd cried today, we knew where she'd be working from other classes, so we all knew what would come, and it still was bad. One of the boys said he heard that she hopes we're not all angry at her and that we won't hate her for her decision. There was not an inch of anger or hatred in any of us, just heartbreak. We knew how much we'd cry seeing her leave. We were afraid of this goodbye. But it had to come eventually. The last class she'll ever teach. The last two lessons she'll ever have.
She was late. Only a couple minutes, but seeing she's always on time, or even a bit early, it was worrying. I walked outside to find her, and when I did, I saw her, coming up the stairs with two boys from the class, fresh back from lunch. Immediately as she saw me, she raised her index finger and said: "No." I didn't really understand it, until she continued: "I'm not gonna cry. I'm trying to go at least two minutes without crying." My heart was in shambles, and nothing even happened yet.
She started by telling us an e-mail is not how she wanted us to find out. She wanted to tell us herself, but not until today, probably not until the end of class, even though she's known for quite a long time she wanted to leave. She didn't tell us, because she wanted these last days not to be chaotic, so we could still focus and do our best in class. There were signs, though. And I should have known. There's one in basically every post I wrote this year. Funny thing is, when I told you about how she was with the girl from the other class and I thought something was up, it was only my gut feeling. She hadn't told them yet. Only in the last 20 minutes of that double class.
She also told us who will be replacing her, just to get the professional part quickly over with. V said she expects us to treat them fairly, even if she won't be here to check on us. We keep this promise. Most of the time, it works.
Being a teacher doesn't pay well, and here, in our country, the profession itself is not respected the way it should be. 10 years of experience in the field means nothing, she said. The new education system is horrible, unbearable, and she's had enough of feeling like she's in a toxic relationship. Not with us, with teaching. She said she used to feel very anxious when she got here, and by now I know what she hadn't told us in that moment, that she still doesn't feel good thinking about school. She has to leave for her own sake, even though she feels incredibly guilty about it. Even though she'll miss us.
She said, through tears, constantly stopping to take a deep breath and gather her thoughts, that teaching is something she was planning to do her whole life long, but she has to step back now. Even though she has "the seniors, standing before their graduation exams, [us], whom [she's] bonded with", she can't do it anymore. And when one of the girls asked her if she really did love us, she said: "Would I have stayed so long if I didn't?"
We spent long minutes in class discussing the education system, and when I said I didn't know about something that supposedly came from the weaker one of the theatre universities here at home, V was surprised that I hadn't read it. She called me a nickname again, a new one. I've been babygirl and I've been fairy bug before, but not once have I been the name that translates to "my life". Spanish speakers, it's like when you guys say mi vida to someone you love. That's what V called me. I don't remember her ever having called someone that in class.
Between classes, Bandana Friend, who was sick, joined us via video call to speak to V, as she really wanted to say goodbye, at least like this. I stood right beside V as they spoke, out of the camera's sight, unlike my classmates, constantly goofing off in the background, making both V and my friend laugh a little. As I stood there, I couldn't help but marvel at V's eyes from up close, in the light. I don't think I've ever seen a more enchanting eye colour before, and I find nearly every pair of eyes I see pretty. Seriously, I wasn't overexaggerating in any of my posts. If you once catch her eye, you won't know when to stop looking.
After a while, though, my classmates got a bit much, still during the call, and there I was, gathering bravery and doing something I've never done before. I stroked V's arm for a second or two, like I've wanted to so many times before, to show sympathy. She didn't even look at me, didn't even flinch, she probably knew who was touching her. And, seeing how unresponsive, how calm she was about it, I couldn't help but think: "Is this something I could've done this whole time?"
Before the second class with her started, Debate Friend called her a derivative of her first name (though she made sure to say Miss with it), and V just told her not to be rude. Hours pass, and V lets her (and us all, indirectly) call her by her first name, which is something we're still adapting to, but I'm rushing too far ahead, let's slow down a little.
The second class went well, she wasn't crying anymore, on the contrary. We laughed a lot, she told us her honest opinion on a lot of us, who asked her what she thinks of them, and gave advice if needed. I didn't ask. I figured that if she wants to tell me something, she will. Then a very crazy chain of events happened.
She looked like she was gonna tear up again, and I couldn't sit and watch anymore. I stood up and walked right in front of her, not daring to ask for a hug, but hoping she'll get the message with arm gestures. It took her a bit, but when she did, she couldn't help but yell something that I would translate to: "[Specs] is jumping me!". The word she used here is something usually used in a romantic or flirty context. (Translation was never my forte.) You can probably imagine the laughter, and also my face as I realise that not even on her last day could she go without sassing me at least once.
But then. Oh, then. The next thing I hear as I turn towards her is as she says: "C'mere, Little Me." and before I know it, I find myself sobbing in her arms again, and thinking about how this happened. She seemed taken aback by or uncomfortable with the comparison the last time we spoke about it in March, before the quarantine. When did she accept it, or how? Now as I re-read that post, as I'm writing this one... could the turning point have been me calling her my sister? I had so many questions, but all I could do was cry.
Class was nearing the end when I finally managed to stop sobbing and ask her one thing I've been meaning to for ages: what her tattoos mean. "How much should I go into detail?" she asked with sparkling eyes. She wasn't even surprised I knew about the two on her shoulder blades — but I was, when she motioned with her fingers she actually had three. Before telling me about them, she jokingly said something along the lines of "I'm not gonna strip for you" (as all 3 are covered by clothes), and me being me, I immediately threw my hands up, face probably red, and said: "Nononononono, obviously [not]!"
Funny thing is, the two on her shoulder blades are actually quotes from the last book she had us read, the last thing we discussed with her in class on Wednesday. So this is what she meant when she said she had personal connections to it! After she told me which parts they're from, she jokingly added "Very English teacher [of me]...", to which I just laughed and responded "Yeah, very."
By the time I'm writing this, I already had to listen to the headmaster, one of V's replacements, as he bragged about knowing of these two tattoos. Heh. That's cute. It's still 2-1 to me, sir. Not only have I seen them partially before, which you said you haven't, but I also know about the one she most definitely never told you about. And the one I'm most definitely not gonna tell you guys about. Sorry. Some things just have to stay between V and I.
"Also, no one noticed that this is the first time since I came here that I've worn a band T-shirt!" she complains to me jokingly. "Well, I was used to your graphic shirts, so I didn't think much of it," I reply. She's very enthusiastic in telling me what exactly is on it, without me even asking. This woman put on a shirt that essentially disses Christianity — in a religious school. Unbelievable. I love her.
Somewhere around that time, I asked her to let me walk with her to the teacher's lounge, Bookworm Friend convinced her to take a photo with our squad (which had basically everyone I know, my own father included, telling me we look identical), I stroked her arm again (I no longer remember what the reason was, but she still must've felt it pretty natural, seeing she didn't react), and like 3/4 of the class came to hug V goodbye. Meanwhile, another girl I've been classmates with for ages, but never particularly liked, hugged me to try and comfort me. It caught me off-guard, but I've never felt more like our class is a community.
People from other classes came to talk as she walked outside, but I waited until she was alone, and most probably so was she. She promised, likely knowing that I wanted to talk privately, so we didn't leave until it was just the two of us left.
"Come, Little Me," she said again, as we got going. She liked this phrase so much that she repeated it in English. "Mini Me." Then I found out why the English. Turns out, her native English speaker boyfriend, who she name-dropped like it's second nature, as if she's telling a story to a friend (she's so whipped for him, it's adorable), knows all about this comparison, and had a good laugh at it. He knows who I am. I was important enough to mention at home to her boyfriend, something I always wondered about but never dared to ask her. Tears.
No, really, actual tears. I've told you before, I don't support confessing love to your teachers while you're still their student (I'd wait a year after graduation if I were you), and especially if you're underage, and I myself wouldn't do it either. And I didn't. My confession was a little different. My voice breaking from tears, I told her the one thing I wanted her to know most. "This is not how I wanted to tell you, but I've never got more (in life) from anyone..." The answer? The old classic. "Come on."
"[Specs], you really need to get more self-confidence" she tells me, as that's about the only thing I still need to get me where I want to be. "I have to," I reply. And I do. I'm trying. Funny thing, self-confidence. It comes up in both the first and the last conversation we have as student and teacher.
We get up, stand at the top of the stairs. Soon it's time to go. The memories get a bit hazy here, but I'll try my best.
She tells me she expected me to react this way, and was afraid of it, seeing what happened in January. I immediately corrected her. In January, I cried because seeing my classmates hurting and my teachers clueless and lost hurt me, whereas this time, it's personal. She doesn't say anything. I think she understands. I ask her if she'll be happy in this new situation, and she says she hopes so. Only time will tell.
"I probably won't be available at a moment's notice all the time, but if you ever need me, you'll find me," she reassures me.
My English (language) teacher walks outside in that moment, and starts talking to V like I'm not even there. V and I are both a bit uncomfortable with the interruption, but the teacher seems pretty fine with it. Fucking hell, woman, insensitivity much?
Anyway. When she's gone is probably the moment we realise this is it. That this is where it's over.
She reaches out, both verbally and physically, and there we are, hugging again, both of us stroking the other's back in an effort to try and comfort the other. "You always have your friends," she tells me. "Get a good rest," she adds somewhere during that moment. Then we pull away.
I don't reach out, I don't dare to. As soon as I step out of her arms, it's her, who takes a hold of my hand. Not clinging, just a gentle, meaningful hold. I have no idea what she was saying, as I focused on the fact that we were only bloody holding hands in plain sight — and another thing.
V's eyes were red, and full of tears.
She hadn't shed a single tear for the past 20 minutes or so. Yet there she stands before me, physically still holding on to me, and crying. That was all me. And all of a sudden, I understand everything. I no longer have the guts to deny that she loved me all this time.
That's where it ends. No grandiose confessions, nothing loud, nothing overly passionate. Just a scene of two women standing hand-in-hand, showing their true colours and not holding anything back for the first time since they've met, before Miss V, the teacher, forever disappears behind a glass door.
These two women, mentioned above, are the ones who laid the foundation for two friends, two equals to meet anew. They are just getting to know each other all over again as we speak, setting the tone for something to start that could possibly last a long time. And I don't think there's anything that could feel better than that.
~ S ♡
[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]
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The Order S2E04
I’m rewatching The Order for the 4th time and basically just gonna live blog it so if you don’t want to see my blabbering posts about each episode you can block the tag #Rachel obsesses about The Order
2.04
Hamish’s parents are just hanging out in Dubai for months at a time. again, everyone is so rich
“Maybe you pissed off the landlord” “I AM THE LANDLORD”
“We paid her!” “Yeah, in underpants!
Aren’t there any other disciples to have run the incantation? Anyone higher in rank and better than Gabrielle
I LOVE Zecchia
she just dumps a bunch of random alcohol together and Hamish is like “Oh dear god no please stop!”
“DELISH. AGAIN.”
hahahahah Hamish causally leaning against the wall to block Zecchia from view when Alyssa walks in
“How could you be so stupid!?” “I don’t know maybe i’m brain damaged from the insane amount of pulvis memoriae you forced me to inhale!”
“Do you mind, we’re in the middle of a private conversation here” “Good to know.”
Alyssa used the phrase nothing burger… Jack used that phrase in season one, is that a common phrase cuz I’ve literally never heard it before
“Rogwan is coming?! You guys are so fucked.”
Alyssa and Zecchia saying “no dummy” at the same time, Awwwwkkwaaarrrdddddddd
Zecchia’s speech about fear is So. Good.
“ugghgh, I like humanity”
Vera has no time for all these peoples bullshit
This situation with Rogwan could have been the main plot for the whole season and then there would have been more opportunity for expanding the story and the characters. They really smoosh too much into one season
“Surrender now if you want to live.” *They always say that right before they kill you”
Alyssa’s biggest fear is “fear of disappointing others” WHAT. IS. HER. BACKSTORY.
Icky sticky black fear goo
Gabrielle deserved a good punch in the face tbh
Hamish is so tender, dabbing Vera’s head with a lil cloth
Fearless Alyssa is just obnoxious and annoying
“So, what’s all this talk about wolves?” “Yeah I am so confused.” “Neither of you should ever play poker”
“I am seriously considering killing both of you right now.” “Trust me, the feeling’s mutual” “He’s exaggerating.” “Not at all.”
“Fortunately for you i’m a little more concerned with preventing the end of the world” “Fortunately for you i’m…. that… yeah that we can agree on”
Rogwan just tosses Hamish like a rag doll
Jack hijacked another car I guess
and he’s wearing a maintenance jumpsuit??
Chad thinks Jack wants to take his cheer squad spot lol
Fearless werewolf boys just become happy dopey confident bb’s
“Better than therapy”
“Wait! I know what we should do. Jump off a bridge!” “Get out of my head!”
I HATE THE BLENDER THING I HATE IT SO MUCH
Alyssa’s family has a ‘Thanksgiving charity event’ and she thinks of it as ‘Vanityfair photo op bullshit’ for Gods sake, give this girl some proper backstory. ELABORATE.
“It’s like a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill and you’re all three.” That is an amazing line
“Jennica? Fuck you.”
PLeAse please give us more Alyssa and Lilith content, flashbacks, catch up chats, anything!
“I really hate your jean jacket. And your hair sucks.”
I love this Lilith/Jack moment
Their friendship has really grown
“I love you too” “I know” “You did not just Han Solo me!”
Vera willing to sacrifice herself for the Greater Good because Vera is the actual best
“i would have been a great Grand Magus” uhhh no Alyssa, you have some serious personal growth to go through before you would make a great anything because you get roped into literally anything
Lilith is wearing the same chainmail as she wore before, see!
“Hamish is a chicken shit again!”
“Actually Hell is a Judeo-Christian propaganda designed for deterrence” throwback! but a sad one…
The pain on Randalls face and in his voice when he talks about Lilith, ahhh breaks my heart
And then putting his head on Hamish’s shoulder, sweet boi’s
“Was it really so bad having all of the pain of your past just gone?” i mean… that sounds pretty appealing let’s be real
“You can read Enochian?”
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Some Danganronpa v3 Pregame Headcannons
Warning: Brief mentions/inferences of abuse + drugs
Keep in mind this is all my own speculation/headcannons based on what little we can pick up on from the in game canon. If you disagree, that's fine.
HIMIKO YUMENO :
-Her mother was overbaring-- the type who would force her to act and audition for shows, trying to make her a child star. Making her hate performing.
-Because of this lack of control she takes her anger out on other people--she's a snappy little shit.
-In contrast to how apathetic she is in the game, beforehand Himiko was very emotional, her main one being the anger she takes out on other people.
-Despite hating being a performer, Himiko does take an interest in stories/ideas--she'd basically rather write the ideas then star in them.
-She would probably have a bunch of ideas for characters/plot lines in danganronpa, which would be the only reason for her having any interest.
-I imagine, since she's probably appeared in a couple of commercials/minor characters in shows (nothing too amazing) she would be quite popular, and have a friendship group she'd most likely boss around. And subsequently they only really like her for her clout (bad way of phrasing it I know).
-I imagine she's aware of this, and in reality quite insecure about the fact people don't like her and find her intimidating/off putting, not that she would ever say anything.
-I like to think the whole magician thing-performing tricks--is perhaps stemming from the fact she was a kleptomainiac/pick pocket. Which is why a slight of hand was the best fitting talent for her.
-Because of this, she probably has collections of strange and random things. I also think she might have stolen a pocket knife one time, and keeps it on her as self defence.
-I think she'd actually have applied to Danganronpa as a way to spite her mother. Perhaps it was the one thing she didn't push Himiko to do, recognising how stupid it would be. But that's why Himiko did it anyway, in addition to being a way for her to escape home.
-I imagine maybe she suggested that the ultimate magician would be an interesting killer--hence why team Danganronpa didn't take that approach.
ANGIE YONAGA:
-Grew up in a strictly religious household, and went to a private religious school.
-However, she is a sworn atheist herself, despite how she may act around her parents.
-She was probably pretty repressed because of this, however whenever became a seriously rebellious because of it.
-I imagine religious groups aren't the biggest fans of danganronpa, which probably led her interest towards it furthermore.
-I imagine she was looked down on by her family/ people around her who were religious for a reputation in the community of being trouble (in contrast to how they seem to have worshipped her in her fabricated past.)
TENKO CHABASHIRA:
-Tenko's mother wasn't in the picture, and her father was an alcoholic.
-Because of this, Tenko looked after him more than he did her. I imagine their relationship wasn't exactly a good one.
-Due to growing up with in such an unpredictable environment, she became very jumpy and distrusting of others. And frightened of her own shadow.
-She was friends with Shuichi growing up, and his uncle would come over to the household and often look after Tenko if her dad was in a particularly bad way or being aggressive.
-Because of this, her and Shuichi have somewhat of a brother/sister relationship, and spend a majority of there time together.
-This is how Tenko got sucked in the Danganronpa--she wasn't nearly as into it as Shuichi at first, but over time began to enjoy it too.
-Tenko liked girls, and was on edge that people suspected it. There were probably rumours going round that she denied profusely, scared that she would be mocked if anybody found out.
-Because of her jumpyness, and said rumours, she would get picked on a lot, however grew up able to fight back. Sometimes resorting to violence a little too quickly-a virtue she learned from her dad.
-She would often let her emotions get the better of her, and end up considered a brute. This also meant when she turned up bruised up, people would put it down to her fighting.
-I imagine she was somewhat of a romantic (really into shipping culture) and often fantasised about being in the killing game. She probably wanted to have some sort of romantic subplot/ love interest, as there usually was in the games.
-This was a point she butted head on with Shuichi, who was far more into the murder and death side of things.
-However, these were all fantasies, and it wasn't as if she was going to actually go through with it.
-That was until Shuichi applied, and Tenko actually considered that she could. Especially considering without him she would be pretty much alone.
-All she really needed was a fucking hug 😭.
IRUMA MIU:
-Her and Kaede were sisters. And Kaede was clearly there parents favourite.
-With her sister getting a scholarship to a prep school, Miu found herself always being compared to her in a negative way. Because of this, she began to spite her.
-Kaede got a majority of their parents money, since 'she needed it more'. Meaning Miu didn't get money for the bus/ extra tutorage like Kaede
-As well as that, she began to stop caring what her parents thought of her, realising she couldn't live up to their expectations.
-She suffered with unrecognised dyslexia, but because of her poor attitude people assumed that she was just not putting any effort into school.
-Eventually, she ended up giving up on any prospect of a future... And stopped caring all together.
-After getting in with the wrong crowds, she probably ended up making money by... Running her own little pharmacy, if you catch my drift.
-Her parents inevitably gave up on her, focusing their attention on Kaede- the golden child (who was actually a mega bitch.)
-Iruma probably joined Danganronpa for the money--assuming their was a cash prize/payment. Seeing it as her chance out of her shitty neighbourhood and perhaps getting a somewhat decent life.
-When Kaede gets in along side her, Miu goes ballistic.
KAEDE AKAMATSU:
-Isn't a perfect as her parents think.
-In reality, after getting her scholarship, she became somewhat of a snob, thinking she was better than everyone else.
-She was quick to snitch on her sister with any given opportunity, as well as mock her behind their parents backs. Whilst in front of them, playing to sweet, worried sister.
-She went to the same school as Maki, who's a sheltered rich kid.
-They both share an interest in Danganronpa, though its better described as a full on obsession. Though Kaede tends to keep it to herself at home. If her parents do ask, she just claims that her reasons for liking it are a lot more innocent than in actuality.
-She used to go to the same school as Miu, in there own neighbourhood, however after going to prep a majority of people cut her out, as she changed, becoming more protentious.
-The money Kaede needs for things like textbooks and instruments from their parents, does not go towards those things at all, she lies to get more money out of them. Miu knows this, but their parents obviously believe their perfect daughter over her.
-Kaede didn't appreciate art at all, unable to see any deeper meaning or message to anything-including music. She was very nihilistic, believing the worst of people.
-She applied for Danganronpa every year that she possibly could, wanting nothing more but to participate.
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February 2021 wrap-up.
Every book, audiobook, tv show and movie I consumed in February.
The phrase ‘wrap-up’ is so boring. I want to talk about books, TV shows and movies, so I can’t even call it a ‘reading wrap-up’, however pleasingly alliterative that sounds despite the fact that ‘wrap’ actually begins with a W. One of my favourite YouTubers, polandbananasBOOKS (that capitalisation is loud) calls her wrap-ups ‘Stories I Ate This Month’ which I love, but using exactly that seems wrong. I genuinely debated calling this ‘My Media Diet’, but the word ‘diet’ has so many negative connotations to me, so I dropped that. Besides ‘wrap-up’ all in lowercase followed by a full stop is aesthetically pleasing.
The Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins (audiobook)
I’ve read this series countless times. I read the series first time through six years ago, and, after finishing it, I just kept rereading it during silent reading time at school, so God only knows how many times I’ve read it at this point. This is actually the second time I’ve listened to this audiobook, and I still, of course, love it. When I first read it, this book stuck with me. It was the first teen book I ever read and, most unfortunately, put me into a dystopian phase. However, we got over that. I’m good now. I promise.
You know what this is about, but here it is anyway: in a dystopian future (of literally just North America, it never mentions what’s happening anywhere else), a country called Panem (literally the whole of North America) is divided into the luxurious, utopian Capitol, and thirteen districts, all of which gather or produce something for the Capitol. Some of the districts live in poverty, while others are afforded some luxuries but nowhere near those of the Capitol. It never really explains how this system came to be, but then there was a rebellion against the Capitol in which District Thirteen was destroyed, and every year two teenagers from each district are chosen to compete in the Hunger Games, where twenty-four tributes are put in an arena together to fight to the death, and the last person standing emerges victorious. It feels so strange to talk about the basic premise of this book without going into the rest of the trilogy, but I’ll leave it here.
I hate how the media washes this book out and plays it off as just another love triangle, which it barely even is. It has such an important message about society, and the fact that the media does that just proves how accurate it is. I can’t believe when I first read it I was actually Team Gale, but in truth I think that was just because I liked Liam Hemsworth better than Josh Hutcherson, which I still do, but not the point. Anyway, the narrator is excellent.
I’m not giving these booksa rating, both because it’s a reread and I like to base ratings off my initial opinion, and because the first time I read this book I was literally a small child, and part of my love is the nostalgia.
The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by VE Schwab
This was the first book I read with my eyes this month, and I ended up getting the ebook because it was just so much cheaper than getting a physical copy - I may have invested if I loved the UK cover as much as the US, I’m ashamed to say (above is UK). It was not what I was expecting.
This book was much more contemplation-heavy than I was expecting and actually very light on plot. In 1714, Adeline LaRue runs away from her wedding and prays to Gods, wishing to be free, and is answered by the darkness, who makes her a deal: he grants her immortality, and she promises him her soul when she doesn’t want it anymore. He, wanting her soul, twistedly grants her freedom by cursing her to be forgotten by everyone she ever meets. Three hundred years later, she meets someone who remembers her.
It’s really about life, freedom and time - there’s no direct message or moral, at least not that I picked up on, but it really makes you think. I do enjoy that in a book, but not as much as one where i just love the story. I generally prefer books where I’m rooting for the characters, and it’s full of ships - the kind of stories you would write fanfiction about, but this is the kind of book that I think will stick with me. I take issue with how cliché the ending was, though.
Anyway, I’m not actually sure how I want to rate this. As a British teenager, I’m not actually that familiar with lettered ratings, and I don’t really want to use stars, but I think I’m going to suck it up. Maybe I’ll think of something else eventually.
Rating: 4.5 stars - books that get five stars from me are generally based on the enjoyment factor, but this book deserved more than four.
Arrow Season 1
I’ve been semi-interested in the Arrowverse/DC TV universe for a while, and finally took the opportunity to delve in. This show is so insanely CW - everyone has that look, it has that tone and it takes itself way too seriously. By the 23rd time you’re hearing it, the recap becomes painful to listen to.
This was the first show in DC’s saga - the show picks up as Oliver Queen returns home from being stranded on an island for five years after a cruise ship sank. When the ship went down, his billionaire father sacrificed himself to save Oliver, and left him with a list of ‘the people poisoning [his] city’. Upon returning home, Oliver becomes the vigilante who will eventually become known as ‘Arrow’ or ‘Green Arrow’ (currently unclear; I’m not a comic book person) but is currently dubbed just ‘the Hood’ or ‘the vigilante’, with the goal of taking down the people on the list. It’s very intense.
It took me about ten episodes to actually get invested - which is nearly seven hours watch time - but, ultimately, I’m glad that I did. Aside from the excessive CW-ness of this show, I love the characters and I want to see what happens.
Still, why is everyone so obsesses with Laurel? What’s so great about Laurel? I don’t get it. Felicity is 10000% the best character - she’s relatable, cute, and I high-key ship her with Oliver.
This little rant of mine was unintelligible.
Rating: 4 stars
Guardians of the Galaxy
I’m not explaining what this movie is about. Honestly. This was just a rewatch: I’m currently rewatching every MCU movie in chronological order (as in, starting with Captain America: The First Avenger instead of Iron Man). For every TV season I finish, I watch a a movie, and I alternate between movie series, one of which is, at the moment, MCU films. It’s hard for me to briefly explain my weird watching patterns.
I love this movie so much. It was the first really upbeat MCU movie, and I love the characters.
I don’t really have much to say about this, but if you haven’t watched MCU movies, please watch them. Even if you don’t want to, this movie is absolutely worth watching and you don’t need to watch any other MCU movies for context.
I Am Not Okay With This Season 1
I’m reeling from this show. I literally can’t tell whether or not this is getting a second season; it seems like it was meant to, but then got cancelled, and now I can’t tell.
This show follows a high school student named Sydney. She’s your typical outcast, and isn’t interested in getting ‘in’ - she’s best friends with a girl named Dina; they both came to their school around the same time and ended up friends, though Dina is your typical pretty girl. Then Syd discovers she has powers that operate based on her emotions, and I really don’t want to say anything else. But it does star Sophia Lillis and Wyatt Oleff, who you likely know as two of the kids in IT (the clown movie, not like computing).
Honestly, episodes 1-6 were very chill, more focused on teenage life than her powers, then episode 7 brought it. Up until the end of episode 7, I enjoyed the show and would be happy to watch a second season, but I wasn’t particularly invested or excited by it. Then episode 7. I would love a second season of this show. I have to at least know where the writers were going with it.
This show came out last year, and I only just got to it, but I can’t believe I haven’t heard anybody talking about it. It’s intense, it’s entertaining, and the first season will only take up about two and a half hours of your time (it’s seven 19-28 minute episodes).
Rating: 4 stars
Blue Lily, Lily Blue and The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater
I listened to The Raven Cycle audiobooks in 2019, and I’m not sure why because I didn’t even enjoy them that much. I did, however, decide I wanted to read Call Down the Hawk, the first book in the spin-off series, and that meant I had to reread The Raven Cycle since I had paid so little attention to the audiobooks, which I started in January and I love this series. Not what I expected from a reread of a series I paid virtually no attention to, but here we are.
This is book 3 in The Raven Cycle series, book 1 being The Raven Boys, which is a paranormal book in which the protagonist Blue, is the only non-psychic in a family of psychics, and has been told her whole life that if she kisses her true love, she will kill him. Then, on St Somebody’s Eve (Mark’s? I want to say Mark’s but I’m not sure), when she goes with her aunt to see the spirits of the people who will die in the next year, she sees one of the spirits, a boy from Aglionby Academy, the local private school, meaning he is either her true love, or she is the one who kills him, which in her case, could very much be both. Then that boy schedules a reading with her psychic family to help him find an old Welsh king, and there is so much more than that to this glorious series, but I’ll stop here.
I think my main thing in books and general media is the characters. They have to follow some kind of sensible plot, but if I’m not invested in the characters, I can’t get invested in the story. I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever been so in love with a cast of characters, not even in Six of Crows - this story is so character-driven, and I can’t get enough. This was an excellent continuation, and so much happened, but it did feel like its purpose was just to set up the final book, so I didn’t enjoy this one quite as much as the previous two.
Rating: 4 stars
As for The Raven King - this was the last book I read this month, finishing it on the morning of the 27th because I knew I would have very little reading time from mid-afternoon until twenty-four hours later.
In complete honesty, I found the climax of this book to be a little rushed - we spend the whole series aware that Gansey’s looking for Glendower, but it never seems to be more prevalent than just their general investigations as to what the hell is happening. As a result, when it came to that in this book, it felt a little out of the blue (no pun intended).
Regardless, this series so well balances strong characters and strong plot where so many others fail, and I love it.
Rating: 5 stars
Fate: The Winx Saga Season 1
This show is a live-action rated-15 Netflix adaptation of one of my favourite childhood shows, Winx Club. And, honestly, you can tell.
I tried to watch this objectively, instead of complaining about how they cut some of my favourite characters and changed so many (Tecna, Riven, Beatrix, Stella, Brandon etc.). While I was upset about some of the cuts, I can agree that they were best for the story. Where in the original, every fairy had their own unique powers, this adaptation splits it into five elements: fire (Bloom), water (Aisha - on another note, screw Aisha, honestly), air (Beatrix), earth (Terra) and mind (Musa), though Stella still has light powers? Which is never explained?
Anyway, this follows teenage Bloom as she discovers she’s a fairy and goes through her first year at a fairy school called Alfea.
I’m not going to go too deep into this because I have so much to say about this show that i think I’m going to make a whole separate review rather than bore you with it now.
Quality-wise, this show was mediocre, but enjoyment and nostalgia raise its rating for me because I’m biased.
Rating: 4 stars
Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo
This is both Bardugo’s first adult novel and her first novel not set in the Grishaverse. I read the Grisha trilogy for the first time years ago and didn’t like it that much, but followed that right up with the Six of Crows duology which I loved. I read King of Scars in 2019 when it came out, and started listening to the King of Scars audiobook just before I started reading this in preparation for Rule of Wolves at the end of March.
I loved this. I don’t think I have anything to criticise quality-wise - the characters had depth, there were plot twists and strong subplots, the world was incredibly well built, and the only thing that got me to put this book down was taking a week to start working on my own writing project (post coming soon). Because I took that week completely off reading, this book took me about two weeks total from start to finish, but it was so worth it.
This novel follows Alex Stern, a twenty-year-old whose friends have all been murdered. She was found beside one of them who died of a overdose, with the same drug in her system. But Alex can see ghosts, and, soon after her friends’ deaths, is consequently offered a scholarship to Yale University, on the condition that she works for the ninth House of the Veil to monitor the activities of Yale’s secret societies.
In complete candour, I found this book somewhat convoluted, though most of that was probably mainly my own poor reading comprehension. Regardless, I loved the plot, and am very highly anticipating the eventual release of its as-of-yet unnamed sequel.
Rating: 4.5 stars
Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo
So I actually finished this audiobook briefly after finishing Blue Lily, Lily Blue, but I’m tacking it on here because I forgot to add it to the list and already explained my Grishaverse experience in my Ninth House comments.
So, yes, I love this duology, and it really opened a new compartment in my writing brain, even though I haven’t really taken advantage of that writing brain until now (again, post coming soon).
King of Scars by Leigh Bardugo
I am realising I’ve read eight books this month, and nearly half of them were by Leigh Bardugo. Which makes sense, considering how much I enjoy her books.
This book is slower-paced than most of hers, but it does follow two (one of which splits again) completely separate storylines, and is still excellent and entertaining.
I listened to this for a recap before Rule of Wolves is released on March 30th.
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What are your thoughts on having Romelle be a plot twist villain in VLD? I honestly think DreamWorks should’ve went that route with her, Romelle was very bland and was a background character/nuisance most of the time I really hated her character cause she was just kinda there talking up space and she’s the reason my poor baby Lotor was suffering
Hi, anon. Thanks for your note! To start, I feel that VLDhad serious design flaws as a show. It’s really 4 separate shows in one becauseof its character arc and plot/foreshadowing inconsistencies. I believe Romelle,like so many characters (including Lotor), is just a victim of that disjointedformat. So I’ll say that I do in fact like her. Or at least, I like the potential of what she could have been.
The design flaws make me more sympathetic to both Romelle and Lotor in general, because I feel caught in a “catch 22.” (Please note, this essay is looking strictly at Romelle and Lotorand is an attempt to explain my own discomfort and struggle with canon, and why I sympathize with both characters at the same time. This essayis not a treatise on why someone should like/dislike Lotor or Romelle as fictionalcharacters in general.)
So here’s how I feel VLD created a seriously awkward “catch 22” with Romelle and Lotor:
VLD has Romelle flying in during s6 as a borderline posterchild for the “Me Too” movement—the single woman accusing the powerful male Emperorof sucking the life out of her friends. The timing for this arc is uncanny, considering recent events of real women and men choosing to stand against often-loved,powerful, and prestigious predators. From the perspective of Romelle, EmperorLotor is a deceitful predator.
So if I completely vindicate Lotor and ignore Romelle’saccusation, then that sets me up to sympathize with a predator and shame the victim. Which, that’s a discomforting thought to me. I feel sympathy for Romelle giventhe canon that she is genuinely offering what truth she knows and presents as avictim. I don’t feel I can just write her off or automatically assume heraccusations are malicious in nature.
Romelle’s “Me Too-ish” arc (I know I’m using that phrase looselyhere to make a point) would have been interesting had VLD stuck with Lotorbeing a true villain and revealing just what the second colony was about.
Instead, and here’s part two of the moral catch, VLD happensto conveniently forget that it’s alsoabuse-coded Lotor and that it reverses its convictions about his villainy after he is killed, transforming him into a martyr. Lotor himself is not quite the loved, powerful, or prestigiousEmperor that aligns with a predator profile. His own people dislike and distrusthim because he is misunderstood and considered weak per his mixed blood. He’son the fringes of society despite his title as prince, given how casuallySendak threatens him with slavery in season 5. His own father calls him a “shame.”His empire is in shambles.
This is not quite the image of the powerful predator who hasthe world eating out of his hand while he maliciously preys on the weak. Instead,Lotor aligns so much more with the feminine Joan of Arc trope—which isprecisely why it’s attractive to desire defending his innocence, even againstRomelle.
Because they’re both victims of much larger forces out of their control.
History lesson: Joan of Arc, as a person, felt she had moraland godly convictions for her military involvement. She was 17 years old whenshe led battles and made serious tactical decisions to the advantage of France.And yet she was ultimately sold out and burned at the stake by a pro-English populace,who declared her a heretic. Her own trial was moved from the public to aprivate area because of how she schooled her accusers. It was only after shedied that the people who accused her then reversed their decision and declaredher a martyr. Now, she’s even a Catholic saint.
Similarly, VLD does so much visually and contextually to givea sympathetic light to Lotor despite painting him as a heretic. Like Joan ofArc, he’s a young, fiery light—charismatic with a vision for his lands. And yet,also like Joan of Arc, his actions are misunderstood. He is not given aconsistently public trial, he receives harsh punishment for attempting to presenthis side, and he is subjected to the wishy-washy whims of his accusers in aprivate assassination. He is “burned at the stake” right onto Sincline.
And lo and behold in s8, Allura herself who signed his death warrant (just as the pro-English court did to Joanof Arc) is the one vindicating Lotor as“misguided” but someone who genuinely “wanted peace” and deserved better.
So with all of this in mind, Romelle’s accusation about Lotor’svillainy is seriously undermined. It makes her seem very misinformed about thegreater forces at hand. At the very least, if I fully back Romelle’s play and applaud Lotor’s canon death as agreat end to a villain, then I fall into the moral traps of justifying vigilantebehavior, not supporting basic due process, willingly choosing sides on the basisof race (Romelle is Altean and good while Lotor is Galran and bad??), andputting personal revenge against one person over the physical safety oftrillions and trillions of souls.
So basically, in VLD pitting two canonically innocent victimsagainst each other, it opened up a serious web of moral conundrums. VLD Romelleand Lotor are an ultimate catch 22 because I can’t win either way. And that’snot the fault of the viewer. That’s just poor design.
With this current structure, I struggle to support theconcept of Romelle being a villain. I think, in its current form, it wouldresult in a bait and switch / awkward victim shaming for only the purpose ofclearing Lotor’s name, when in fact they’re both victims.
To do “villain Romelle” right, I think VLD would have had torewrite Romelle’s background entirely and to show her from the start as agenuine antagonist/villain against Voltron and Lotor. This would help avoid awkwardmessaging and could have presented some really great arcs about Romellediscovering the truth, and team Voltron and Lotor overcoming—ornot overcoming—trust issues. I agree with you that it’d certainly make her amore interesting character.
The way the whole thing was handled in canon was justutterly tone deaf. I can’t blame antis or stans either way, because the show itselffostered such damaging messages around these two.
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What Happened to Our Friends? ~Fluffy Friday
(Liam, Drake, Amanda, Maxwell) *friendship x unrequited love*
A Choices: The Royal Romance Fan Fiction
A/N Before the events of The Other Friend and this particular storyline was suggested by one of my little guys.
*song that is lip synched Dream Come True some of the lyrics listed below.*
Tagging those who wanted extra fluff 😉@brightpinkpeppercorn @riseandshinelittleblossom-deact @zaffrenotes @fullbeaumonty @speedyoperarascalparty @bobasheebaby @tmarie82 @littleblossom-18 @cocomaxley @ehkw1989 @hopefulmoonobject @leelee10898 @itsstillnotwhatyouthink @littlecrookedheart @mrswalkerwritesagain @debramcg1106 @krsnlove @littleblossom357 @ritachacha @lodberg
"We have to go to a karaoke bar. We are literally in its birth place!" Maxwell argued while staring out at the bright lights of Tokyo. The city looked amazing against the dark night sky.
Drake and Liam turned hesitantly to the one who had the worst singing voice. Amanda knew what their look meant.
"Don't worry. I won't sing." She folded her arms and looked away from them.
"Then I'll go." Drake said. He let out a grunt when Amanda hit him with a pillow. He smiled as he threw his arm around her shoulders. "We still like you. You're the frog of our group. Nobody croaks a song like you."
Amanda couldn't stop her laugh from coming out. "Yeah, yeah. Keep talking and I start belting out show tunes."
In a sea of neon, they discovered a club that Maxwell declared was the one. When they walked into the lobby, they were surrounded by many in cosplay. Liam studied some and tried to figure out why it was so familiar. His eyes widened as it hit him.
"Amanda! Look it's --"
"Liam! It's a room filled with RWBY fans!"
Maxwell and Drake stared at them in confusion. "Guys...want to tell us what Ruby is?" Maxwell asked.
"First off, it isn't technically the word, 'ruby'. It is the four main characters initials forming their team name." Liam began to explain. "Even though the one character is actually named, Ruby."
"It's an American created anime. It is about--"
Drake held his hand up. "Hold on, let me check on something. Yep. I don't care."
Amanda and Liam looked around and saw a shop selling some RWBY costumes. They whispered excitedly and ran off.
"HEY!" Maxwell exclaimed. "What has gotten into them? Did I miss something when we walked in here?"
"You had to go out and pick this place." Drake said. His jaw dropped when he saw his once sane friends. Liam had on a black hoodie that suspiciously looked like it had a bunny's face on it but was covered by some type of armor over his upper chest. He also had some armor on his upper arms. Gloves and blue jeans completed the look...and was that a shield? He had a large sword and was swinging it alongside what was once Amanda.
She not only was wearing a costume that made him and Maxwell blush at seeing her in something more revealing than she normally wore, she had somehow turned her hair red and had it pulled up in a ponytail. Or else it was a wig. He couldn't tell from this distance. Her outfit looked like something straight out of Greek mythology.
Liam and Amanda stopped before them and posed with their weapons. Amanda had a sword that extended into a javelin in her hand that she held as if to throw while blocking with her shield . "What the---what are you?" Maxwell asked.
"I'm Jaune Arc." Liam announced. "She's Pyrrah Nikos."
"Hello again." She waved and mimicked Pyrrah's sweet voice and phrase perfectly. Liam's smile grew with pride as some nearby asked her to do it again while recording her. When she added the, "I'm sorry," Liam clutched his heart. "That line gets me every time." He said to Maxwell.
"You know what gets me? Is finding a twenty-four hour psychiatrist for you two." Drake dryly replied.
"How did you get your hair like that?" Maxwell stepped closer to her and stared at locks that were once dark brown, a color he had been very fond of.
"Spray on hair color." She faced Liam and handed Maxwell her weapons. "Speaking of hair, hold still..." She ran her fingers through Liam's until it was mussed completely.
"Thank you. I forgot to do that." He scrutinized her and straightened her sash, causing Drake and Maxwell to simply stare. This could not be happening. Where were their calm, retiring friends? Who were these people?
After Amanda and Liam were satisfied with how the other looked, they all walked in and were surrounded by multiples of particular characters. There was a table with pictures of scenes from RWBY and a sheet of paper. Amanda read it and immediately wrote her name down.
"What did you sign up for?" Liam asked.
"RWBY lip synch contest!" Liam groaned when he couldn't think of a song to lip sync dressed as Juane.
"Seriously! What has happened to you two?"
They shrugged at Drake. "You would understand if you watched it." Amanda answered patiently. Liam's pitying look at him and Maxwell freaked them out.
"How have we not known you two suffered with this affliction? Have you been having clandestine dates to watch this?" Maxwell's laugh died when they lowered their eyes.
"Wait, that's what you have been doing?! What did you use to trick us into not joining?" He asked.
Amanda chewed on her bottom lip while Liam rubbed the back of his neck. "You know that committee we asked if you wanted to be a part of that you both refused last year?"
"Are you talking about the one to make sure roadkill is removed in a specific--good lord we were stupid to believe that was an actual thing." Drake held his head at the revelation.
Maxwell's eyes widened. "You even made an acronym for it! You called it...RWBY!
"It was rather grim for a committee." Amanda winked at Liam, causing him to double over in laughter.
"What's so funny?" The two left in the dark demanded.
"You wouldn't understand it." Liam replied. Amanda took pity on them. "Grimm are the creatures that our characters, and many that you see here represented, fight."
"You have private jokes over this?" Maxwell thought something was very wrong with this. He wasn't sure what, but she shouldn't have private jokes with just Liam. That was supposed to be their thing.
They sat at a table and began to watch some Ruby's and Weiss' and a few Sun's try their hand getting the crowd into their performances. Many Yang's, two Blake's, and one Nora gave it their all.
Amanda sat with her leg shaking. She recalled why she never volunteered to do these things. She hated being the center of attention. Her costume had gone to her head and made her think she really was brave.
Noticing her jittery nervousness, Maxwell leaned forward and spoke in her ear, "Just pretend it is only us in the room."
Liam grinned at her. "Remember, your song is to me."
She nodded and stood when her name was called. She left her weapons and got on the stage. Her head was bowed in front of the microphone as she waited for her song to start. She couldn't help but think of the irony of lip synching this song in front of Maxwell.
"What do you mean her song is to you?" Drake asked.
"Her character is in love with mine. I, or rather my character doesn't know it and has a crush on someone else. That one," he pointed at a girl all in white. "Weiss is the one Juane likes, until season 3." His smile disappeared as he thought of that season. That ending still upset him.
"They kiss!" Maxwell had pulled up an image on his phone. He gritted his teeth as he looked up at Amanda. Why would they pick these two characters?
When the first piano notes were played, her head came up and she began. She started on one end of the room, acting coy with some of the other Juane's.
When she reached their table, she had relaxed and was really playing it up. She actually appeared sincere as she mouthed the rest of the lyrics. She smiled at Liam and moved around him. He in turn did the mannerisms of Juane causing cheers from the crowd.
I've been spending time wondering why,
Nothing that I do can catch your eye.
Just can't capture your attention.
Maybe I'm too tall or not your type,
But I'm not giving up, I'll get it right.
Being close to you is my intention.
I see more in you than the rest of them do
And I'm not gonna let you fall.
I'll swallow my pride, time after time,
Cause you're worth it all.
Whenever I think of you,
How I wish you only knew,
That you might be my dream come true.
But what do I have to do to make you notice me?
A girl dressed as Weiss at a nearby table began to flirt with Maxwell. Amanda narrowed her eyes and thought the timing couldn't be more perfect. She walked over to stand directly in front of the man she secretly loved with her whole heart.
Oh, know that.
You and I we would be alright,
We could dance on the roof, we could light the night.
Gotta make you see me in that way.
Why don't you,
Forget about the little chick in white?
She don't care about you and she's so uptight.
Let me put a smile on your face.
She tilted his face up and ran her gloved hand along his jaw and into his hair as she leaned down to look directly in his eyes. He swallowed nervously and placed his hand over hers.
How I wish that you knew that I'm crazy for you.
And I'm waiting by your side.
I'll get you alone,
Make you my own,
It will be divine.
She walked away, smiling at Maxwell's stunned expression. She returned to the stage and continued to work the crowd into a frenzy as they began to clap along with the last few stanzas. She ended the song by meeting Maxwell's eyes with a heartbroken face as she pleaded the sad words, "notice me?"
Once the contest ended, Amanda was announced as the winner. As she went to the stage to collect her prize, the guys all stood cheering. She was given a gift basket filled with RWBY collectibles and shirts. She promised the crowd to share it with her Juane, causing the cosplayers to laugh and applaud.
"I feel like we are stuck in some alternate dimension." Drake whispered to Maxwell.
Suddenly a loud song began making them both jump. Liam whooped. "They're playing Shine!" He jumped up and grabbed Amanda as her face lit with recognition of the song. They joined the other cosplayers and began to do some choreographed dance.
"They have a dance!" Mawell knew this was the final straw. Drake was pulling it up on his phone. "Yep, and apparently it was a pretty big deal between their characters. Why am I looking this up?! This has to be some type of contagion. We will probably lose our minds soon just like them."
Maxwell frowned and watched them dance in line. They came back, cheeks red and an arm around each other. "Can you believe this night?" Amanda yelled over the music.
"Nope. I haven't been able to believe any part of it." Drake teased. "Are we ever going to do what we originally planned?"
"I booked a room for the karaoke." Liam motioned for them to follow him.
Amanda fell into step with Maxwell and slipped her arm through his. She gave into an impulse and kissed his cheek. She leaned her head against his shoulder as they walked. "Thank you for encouraging me earlier."
His anger evaporated when he looked down at her. "Why did you and Liam choose these two out of all the characters?"
A soft smile appeared on her face. "These are who we share the most characteristics with. Juane is placed as leader of his team but doubts his ability to be the right one and struggles throughout the series. He wants to protect all he loves and is relentless in trying to make himself worthy of their faith in him. He never sees what he really is."
Maxwell nodded. "That is definitely Liam. What about yours?" His curiosity peaked as she started to blush.
"Pyrrah is one who offers encouragement to everyone. She doesn't mind being in the background yet is willing to step up when it is the right thing to do. She sees the best in those around her and tries to point it out to them."
Maxwell grinned. "That's you. Anything else you identify with?"
"Well...she did suffer with an unrequited love for Juane. I definitely know what that feels like." Amanda preceded him into the room while he paused outside. Did she mean she had been in love with someone or was in love with someone and it wasn't reciprocated? Who was it? Liam was dressed as Juane...but she lip synched some lines to directly to him. He wondered if he would ever figure it out.
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The Seven Signs || MYG
Genre: A little bit of everything
Word count: 11.3 k (this is one long mother effing imagine)
Summary:
There are certain things Min Yoongi never does. NEVER. So when the boys start noticing the changes, they clue into whats going on. But it seems like Yoongi and you are the only ones who don’t know because well he is him and you are you.
A/N: I wrote this about a year ago when I was just getting into BTS. I was going through Yoongi feels at the time. But since its a new year I decided to tweak this a bit and post it for you guys. Enjoy!
The boys sit around in a circle in the middle of the night, their voices a hushed whisper. Namjoon sits as the the facilitator of the small group which has broken out into an argument. An argument about whether or not their fellow member Min Yoongi has fallen in love with you or not.
The mix of whisper yelling and arguments begins to make Namjoon agitated when in reality was the one that introduced the idea to the other boys. He noticed Yoongi’s unusual behaviour first and clued the boys in, who then began to notice signs of their own.
But sitting in the midst of the chaos called conversation among BTS members, his head begins to take on a splitting headache. He gently massages his temples, and pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration for his attempts to get them to listen to him fail not once, not twice but over a dozen times.
“Okay shut up” he actually yells and the other 5 boys freeze immediately as his voice carries thought the silent dorm. They all look at each other in horror for the fear of having woken up Yoongi, who sleeps soundly in his room, unaware that his love life has become a topic of heated discussion among his friends.
1.) The Unbelievable amount of smiling
Namjoon figures it out first. It doesn’t happen in a moment, rather it is a culmination of the many past conversations he has observed between you and Yoongi. He has known Yoongi the longest and its not a hidden secret that the older boy is a man of few words but even more so he is a man of fewer smiles. Namjoon knows it’s not because Yoongi is unemotional rather he is way too practical in his ways.
There were exceptions on certain days when Yoongi felt over the moon, but the general consensus remains that Yoongi does not smile much. Even when Namjoon and Yoongi were first introduced to each other the older boy had remained very formal in his greeting, yet despite his stiff and serious manner he came off across as respectful. In fact since that day Namjoon barely remembered times when Yoongi had actually smiled. Not just smiling for the sake of it, because he could tell when his hyung was faking it, but genuinely smiling. In all the years of knowing the man and having shared private conversations Namjoon still cannot point a single time (except for when he adopted Holly as his pet) when Yoongi really smiled. It was rare to come by.
The fact doesn’t really change until recent when Namjoon begins to notice that Yoongi’s lips refuse to stay in a thin straight line like usual around you. He notices the boy smiles way too much for his own good. So much so that Namjoon can’t help but burst into laughter simply from being in disbelief about the whole situation, in addition to Yoongi being blind to what’s staring him in the face.
When he confronts Yoongi about in the most casual manner possible he is only met with a blank stare and silence from his hyung. He isn’t even surprised that it’s how Yoongi responds because that is just the general response from him to most things. Not all but most.
“Are you saying that I don’t know how to smile or that I am not allowed to” Yoongi asks after a while breaking the stretch of silence.
“I am just asking why you have been smiling so freaking much. Honestly hyung it’s actually scaring the crap out of me” Namjoon shrugs as Yoongi glares daggers at him.
“I don’t know. I guess I am just happy” Yoongi deadpans
“Because of y/n?” the younger boy chooses to phrase the fact as a question and immediately diverts his eyes before he can see the look of pure dislike on Yoongi’s face.
“What are you trying to suggest Namjoonie?” the older boy’s voice sounds menacing, almost as if he is gritting his teeth
“Nothing. Nothing at all. Just.. you know curios is all” and with those last words he leaves the room for Namjoon really doesn’t feel like dying today.
********************
Namjoon comes back to dorm from practice and as soon as he enters the place he spots your shoes. As he enters even further he can hear sounds of laughter emanating from the living room where he discovers you and Yoongi chatting, and once more Yoongi is smiling. He is smiling the way he does only for Holly and Yoongi loves Holly.
The smile stretches to his eyes and they crinkle and Namjoon can tell he is happy in your company. It is such a stark contrast to the tight lipped ‘smile’ that usually appears on his lips that Namjoon can’t decide between feeling positively shocked and seriously awed.
For a second Namjoon thinks his lips might fall off his face if he keeps it up. If he is being honest he sort of feels horrified looking at Min Yoongi smiling.
The feeling stems from a few reasons. One being that Yoongi barely even says words to the boys when they are all together in the dorm. Second he is so used to seeing the man straight faced that when he sees the sickeningly bright smile on his face, he can’t help but think Yoongi has lost it. And it’s not even the kind of polite, respectful smile when two people engage in a conversation. No. It’s the kind of smile that screams I really like you but I am such an idiot that I am blind to my own feelings.
Lastly, as smiley as he is around you (and even more blind to his feelings) he is just as much a menace to the boys after.
For instance when you leave, the expressionless look is back on his face and becomes the Min Yoongi everyone is used to. He doesn’t even spare Taehyung when the boy wants to place his head on his lap and drift off to sleep. Yoongi knows Taehuyng needs some sort of physical touch to be able to sleep but he doesn’t have it.
Namjoon finds it hard to believe how quickly Yoongi can change when moments ago he could have been mistaken for a freaking angel with his bright smile and unusually polite manner. This is why he hates it when you leave because then the 6 of them are left to deal with Yoongi’s feelings of bitterness and frustration which might or might not stem from you leaving in the first place, but ofcourse Yoongi himself is very blind to the fact so he takes it out on the members.
Yoongi glares at Taehyung so hard that Namjoon feels the need to intervene before Tae starts to make the pouty face and possibly throw a little bit of a tantrum.
“Taehyung- ah hyung will lend you his lap. Come here” Namjoon pats on his lap and Taehyung happily skips over to him and places his head on Namjoon’s lap and drifts off to sleep.
“I bet you would have let y/n do that..” Namjoon mumbles under his breath, but Yoongi catches it and his head snaps in the younger boy’s direction. But Namjoon is quick to look away, and pretend to busy himself in some crap show playing on the tv.
“Did you say something Joon ah?” and it doesn’t sound in the least bit a question, but more like a threat and it sort of feels like Yoongi is daring him to say something like that again.
“Nothing…” he looks Yoongi dead in the eyes but immediately regrets it as Yoongi tilts his head to the side and raises a very questioning eyebrow at him. It’s the ‘oh really’ look and coming from Yoongi it is more of a warning than anything else.
So Namjoon decides to pay no mind to him and leave him alone just like he prefers but he sort of thinks it’s unfair how partial Yoongi is towards you and how much he tries to terrify them. But he won’t say anything because he would love to see the look on Yoongi’s face since he is in for a rude awakening.
2.) Sharing personal space
It is a universal known fact that Min Yoongi loves his personal space. There is no denying the fact. Like at all. Seokjin knows it too which is why when he used to be roommates with Yoongi he always kept to his side of the room and he did not dare cross the invisible line drawn between their two beds, and closets. His personal space also entailed anything that had to do with his emotions, and his feelings. He was the sort of person who hates for people to read into him because according to him that is intruding his personal space.
However that is not just limited to Yoongi’s possessions or his emotions, but it also applies physically. Yoongi hates getting touched unnecessarily. He isn’t a fan of hugs for the exact reason. Much less cuddling. The day anyone see’s Min Yoongi cuddling is the day pigs learn how to fly. Everyone knows to stay atleast a foot away from him and not hug him or touch him unnecessarily. Hence none of the boys ever try hugging him. Hell Jin is even afraid of slinging an arm around Yoongi’s shoulder.
But Seokjin is very very very shocked to learn that those rules do not apply to you. For Min Yoongi lets you intrude his personal bubble. He even lets you cuddle up to him during the weekly late night movie sessions at the dorm. It leaves Seokjin completely speechless and his jaw drops to the floor quite literally.
As he watches you snuggle into Yoongi, and as Yoongi’s lips curve up into a smile and he takes the opportunity to wrap and arm around your shoulder, Seokjin literally cannot close his mouth. He physically finds it impossible to do so and it’s as if his jaw has been locked into place. Hoseok watches him with a quizzical look from beside and takes the initiative to close Jin’s mouth with his hand but a second later his mouth is open again.
Yoongi doesn’t even say anything. In fact he looks content and happy letting you snuggle into him. Seokjin would even go so far as to say that Yoongi didn’t want to let go.
Jin then remembers all the times Yoongi has claimed you two are just friends and he can’t help but snicker.
How blind can a person be? Ask Yoongi.
All the moments when people around him had even tried to hug him resurface in Jin’s mind and he remembers that during each different instance Yoongi’s response had been the same. He had ensured to put as much space between himself and the other people. He had ensured that no one touched him, and his body had taken on a rigid quality so much so that he began to look unapproachable.
However the sight in front of him tells a tale of something different. Something different that Yoongi hasn’t realized yet.
After the movie ends and everyone leaves, Seokjin sits glued to his spot replaying in his mind the scene from before and he cannot believe it. He cannot believe that Yoongi still claims he is friends with you when he easily crosses the line between platonic and non- platonic all the time. He doesn’t even know he is doing it. At that thought Seokjin begins to laugh. Its quiet at first but then he is full on laughing, like the windshield wiper laugh.
Namjoon pops his head in from the kitchen, curios as to why Seokjin is laughing.
“Yah Yoon- yoon- yoongi…” Seokjin can’t even finish his sentence because he is so surprised and shocked he can’t do anything but laugh.
Namjoon looks at him comically for a while but catches onto what Jin means.
“So you know too?” he raises his eyebrows and Jin nods but he is clutching his stomach and he is red in the face.
“Did you see him during the movie? Tell me that wasn’t real and I was dreaming” Jin says
Namjoon shakes his head. “No hyung. That was very real. Yoongi- hyung doesn’t seem to know”
“Which is what makes this funny” and he bursts into laughter again.
Namjoon doesn’t think it’s funny. But as he watches Seokjin laugh a smile begins to spread on his face and soon he collapses on the couch with laughter too. Okay it is a little bit funny how clueless Yoongi is.
3.) The constant nagging and quarrelling
If there is one thing Hoseok has admired Yoongi for its for his ability to keep his nose out of other people’s business. Yoongi has always been pretty good at keeping tabs on himself when it comes to giving people their space.
Hoseok still remembers the time when everyone forced him to eat and kept on nagging him about it but Yoongi had gotten the guys off his back saying he should be given his space and time to figure things out for himself. It really helped him come out of his slump because Yoongi understood all he needed was time. Since then he has admired Yoongi for this quality of his.
It is similar to Hoseok noticing Yoongi increasingly nagging towards you and as such been bickering with you. It happens over the littlest of things and he literally cannot wrap his head around Yoongi’s attitude. Hoseok wants to barf because of how sickeningly concerned Yoongi is being. He hasn’t ever seen him act like it.
Yoongi acts concerned towards them too sometimes taking on the role of a nagging mother and forcing the young ones to sleep well, eat well, dress warmly. But this is something different. The small arguments almost paint Yoongi as overprotective and that is saying something because Yoongi is the most chill guy Hoseok has ever known. Its almost as if its an old married couple bickering with each other. He feels like he is watching his own parents argue. He remembers every couple he has ever known and he keeps feeling the same vibes from you and Yoongi.
Something is definitely different.
And its not the first time he has noticed Yoongi behaving such a way with you. He hasn’t told anyone but the nights when you stayed at the dorm (being that your roommate wasn’t exactly the most welcoming person) to finish up your assignments Yoongi would cover your sleepy figure with a blanket and he would place a glass of water and some vitamin pills on the table for you to take in the morning.
Then when you would ask the next day where the water and pills came from he would put it all on Seokjin. You wouldn’t even doubt it because that kind of thing is right up Seokjin’s alley.
Nor does Hoseok mention the times when Yoongi constantly nags you to eat when you refuse to, and how sometimes he has watched him mutter under his breath some colourful words, for you never listen to him and never take care of yourself and how it sort of worries him. But it totally worries everyone else too and its not jut him.
I keep telling you to eat properly but you never listen to me
And then he forces a spoonful of soup followed by rice in your mouth
You need to drink water to stay hydrated
He then puts a glass of water in front of you and refuses to leave before you finish all the food and the water. He supervises you, to ensure you finish everything.
Seriously y/n what the hell are you thinking. You need to take care of yourself.
Your face is tinted a shade of red as you look sort of alarmed but confused at the same time. All the scolding has you feeling flushed.
“But Yoongi.. I told you-” you are cut off by Yoongi’s hand
“No buts. You need to take care of yourself and thats that. Like seriously y/n I expect better from you”
“Oh yea? Says the one who never takes care of himself. Do you have any clue Yoongi how much it worries me that you never sleep, and never eat properly? I lo-” you stop yourself at the right moment.
Yoongi’s eyes widen the size of saucers and so do yours. He awkwardly clears his throat and shifts on his feet. Your eyes dart around the room, as you fiddle with your hands nervously.
“Yea. Umm now that you have eaten you should rest” Yoongi rubs a hand on his forehead as he passes a weak smile your way and leaves.
Hoseok can’t help but shake his head at the awkward exchange between you two. He really doesn’t get how you don’t see it. Either that or you both are in deep denial. Everyone see’s it but you two.
As much as he loves you and Yoongi, you guys are really stupid.
4.) A sudden love for photography
Jeongguk is the only one who loves photography in the group. The camera is always with him no matter where he goes. Whether that be somewhere in Korea or on tour somewhere else. Jeongguk’s camera never leave’s his side. Neither does anyone ever touch it because he doesn’t want them to mess up all the beautiful photos he has taken. And rightly so because his pictures really are a work of art. They have the perfect lighting, they are taken at the right moment, the colours always balance out and it looks nothing short of professional photography. The only exception to this is Yoongi who has taken a sudden interest in it.
At first when Yoongi asks Jeongguk to teach him, the younger boy is taken aback to say the least. For a few moments he just stares blankly at his hyung and then he smiles widely, happy that someone has finally shown interest in his hobby. He doesn’t think much of Yoongi’s sudden interest because hey everyone can take photographs.
But what Jeongguk forgets is that Yoongi absolutely dislikes taking pictures, be that of himself or other things. He isn’t a fan of it because “Jeongguk ah hyung doesn’t have the natural flair for photography”
So slowly Jeongguk starts teaching him how to ensure the lighting should be right and it should hit at a certain angle. Yoongi learns in the earnest and takes all the tricks and tips very seriously. Jeongguk feels proud of himself for being able to teach Yoongi all the that he knows and his happiness is doubled as he sees how eager Yoongi is to learn.
“Hyung where’s my camera?” He asks Yoongi who had it last in the van.
Yoongi informs him he forgot to bring it back with him so Jeongguk makes his way to the van. He rummages through all the seats but remembers Yoongi was sitting in the back and he finds it in Yoongi’s seat.
Fishing it out with one hand, he sits on one of he seats as he turns it on. Although he trusts Yoongi, he still feels the need to go through all the pictures he had taken to make sure they are still there. He is sort of paranoid when it comes to his camera but he doesn’t care because he absolutely loves it.
He rolls the small dial on the left panel to the left and begins to go through all the photos he has taken. He admires his own work, and smiles as each photo that pops up on the screen brings back happy memories. Memories of moments when he was happy, and some memories of moments when he felt sad.
He is about to turn off the camera when suddenly a picture of you pops up on the screen. He looks at the time stamp and it was taken last week. Last week when you guys went on the camping trip.
The first picture is of you sitting by the fire reading your book. The light hits you at a perfect angle and it completely illuminates your face. It almost gives you an angelic look. The only thing missing is a pair of wings.
The second picture Jeongguk stumbles upon is one that was supposed to be a group photo of all of you holding your roasted marshmallow sticks in your hand, but he is surprised to find that the picture only captured your smiling face. Yoongi took the photo he remembers.
The next one is again of you as you sit with your nose buried in your phone, at the other side of the table, completely unaware you are being clicked. Your hair is a mess but Jeongguk doesn’t think the person on the other side of the camera thought so.
As he scrolls through all the photos from your trip he reaches the conclusion that although the camera was given to Yoongi to capture memorable moments, the man behind the camera captured moments that spoke of his happiness. He captured pictures that spoke of his unspoken feelings, of his unspoken and unrealized love.
All the photos of you.
Jeongguk has known Yoongi enough to know the man isn’t stupid, in the least.
But it seems he is, especially when it comes to you.
Because he leaves all the evidence of his feelings in the camera, making it accessible for the whole world to see.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what all the pictures imply, but it would take a certain Min Yoongi to figure of what they really meant.
Guess love really does blind people.
5.) Getting drunk and jealous
Drunk Yoongi is never a good thing. Namjoon had warned them.But they didn’t pay heed to him. But out of the whole mess atleast one good thing happened. Jimin finds out about Yoongi’s poorly kept secret. The man couldn’t even hide it if his life depended on it.
“You go ask him” Hoseok whispers to Jimin who rapidly shakes his head.
“Hyung should do it. He’ll kill me if I ask”
“Jimin ah he won’t. He adores you” Jimin looks at him warningly, as Hoseok gives him a push. He stumbles in front of Yoongi who looks like he is going to murder Jimin at any second.
“The answer is no” Yoongi says even before being asked and doesn’t even spare a glance at the younger boy.
Jimin retreats back and as he turns around he is met with a look of warning from Hoseok who gestures for him to turn back around. Jimin makes a pleading face but Hoseok doesn’t have it. So with trepidation in his heart he turns around and goes back to Yoongi.
“Hyung… we.. actually Hoseok hyung was wondering if you would like to go with us to that new club” Jimin quickly glances back and is faced with a murderous look from Hoseok.
The older boy decides to jump in and composing his face with his usual infectious smile he enters the scene and slings an arm around Jimin’s shoulder.
“Hyung seriously its an awesome club”
“I said no. Leave me alone now”
“Hyung- ” Hoseok is cut off by Yoongi’s glare.
“It would have been fun. Y/n was coming with us too..” Jimin mumbles and as both the younger boys begin to walk away, Yoongi’s eyes widen at Jimin’s words and he shuts the laptop.
“Wait” Yoongi yells and they stop in they tracks, confusion painted on their faces.
Hoseok looks back and finds Yoongi is putting on his favourite black leather jacket.
“We thought you weren’t coming?” Jimin questions
“I was planning to say yes if asked one more time. Frankly I was expecting more of the pleading” he walks towards them with a smile painted on his face, stopping in between them. He pats each of their shoulders and begins walking with the the two boys by his side, one of whom can’t for the life of him understand what the hell just happened. Hoseok on the other hand tries to suppress his smirk.
Yoongi doesn’t tell them but he has some reasons why he wants to go. One to release the stress of his upcoming mixtape and second.. well even he doesn’t know what the second reason is. All he knows is he wants to get drunk. And obviously you are going to be there to, but not that it matters much.
Fifth shot…
Sixth shot…
Tenth shot…
Twelfth shot…
“Whoa. You need to slow down” Hoseok pulls away the glass from Yoongi’s lips as he is about to take the shot.
Yoongi reaches for it but Hoseok pulls his arm further out of his reach.
“Give it back you asshole” Yoongi yells but the loud music playing in the background muffles his voice. Thankfully Jimin thinks.
Hoseok and Jimin look at each other in concern over Yoongi’s condition. He doesn’t look very good. Specially considering that he keeps mumbling your name over and over.
“Hyung, you need to take it slow” Jimin pats his shoulder.
“NO! I Don. Okkaay? I dun need to take is slow. I am fine. FINE AS A BEE. FINE AS FINE CAN BE. I AM GOOD” his voice turns into a yell and Hoseok has to clap a hand on his mouth to shut him up.
“Clearly not” Hoseok says.
“Whers y/n?” Yoongi slurs
“She- She’s dancing over there see?” Jimin points to you in the midst of the dance floor where you are busy dancing with some guy.
“I- I need to talk to er” with stumbled steps he proceeds in your direction while he supported on either side by Hoseok and Jimin.
“Y/N” He shouts. But you don’t listen.
He shouts again
Again
And
Again
He yanks you by your elbow and in the process almost tumbles to the floor with you in his hold when you steady him by his shoulders.
Hoseok and Jimin watch amusedly standing a little ways away as Yoongi’s head falls on your shoulder and he tightly wraps his arm around you.
“You- stay away from er kay?” He points to the guy over your shoulder.
Jimin’s lips curve up in a smirk and Hoseok has his eyebrows raised in interest. Both of them begin to understand what’s going on.
“Yoongi you are drunk” you try shaking him but almost end up making him fall over on top of you.
“I am not.. drunk, I am just trying to elp you ou” his words slur as he tries to keep up with what he is saying.
“I am okay Yoongi. You need to go home”
“You’re comin wit me ight?” And he then proceeds to tightly hold your hand and begins to drag you away from the dance floor, and far away from the guy.
But then he stops mid step and turns around. He walks back to the stranger you had been dancing with, who looks utterly confused.
“You… better.. stay away. Okay? Otherwise I am goin to get Seung Deuk hyun’ to beat you up” Yoongi pats his chest, and walks back to you and places his hand in yours again. You try to protest but his hold on your hand is so strong even when he is drunk, you decide to give up. It would only aggravate matters given Yoongi won’t see any sense.
Finally reaching outside you wrench your hand away from his grasp.
“Yoongi what the hell?” you shout and his face contorts in a painful expression as your loud voice seems to be much more louder in his head. It hurts his ears.
“Wha-” hiccups
“You are drunk. Why the hell are you drunk?”
“I-” hiccup “Told you I am not drunk” he stumbles back and almost trips over himself.
“Right okay” the sarcasm in you voice is evident and if Yoongi was even half sober he would have caught it.
“y/n a girrl ike you shouldn’t be at a place ike dis. Men are not nice” he hiccups again.
You shake your head at him and agree with what he is saying because clearly there is no point in arguing with a drunk man.
“Say hyung, are you thinking what I am thinking?” Jimin says over the loud music
Hoseok nods his head and they both begin snickering. They don’t feel the need to intervene because clearly Yoongi can handle himself well. The only thing he can’t handle is his own feelings.
Yoongi isn’t the type to indulge in such childish situations. Yoongi never gets jealous. Never. But maybe that notion needs some reevaluation. And frankly Hoseok never thought in his wildest dreams he would ever see the day his hyung would act as such, but he is pleasantly surprised to see it happening.
Jimin on the other hand is completely in awe of how whipped Yoongi is. He always pinned Yoongi to be the type who could never love, because there was a running joke in the group that Min Yoongi was not only motionless, but also emotionless. Not only the joke but Yoongi never showed any signs of being interested in a romantic relationship. Hell he couldn’t even clue into it when he got hit on by girls.
But standing in that club and watching Yoongi act completely unlike himself he knows there are two things going on.
For one Yoongi is wasted and two he is completely and hopelessly in love with you.
5.) Losing composure (aka losing his shit)
Taehyung loves making bets. There is nothing the man will not make a bet for. So it is a given that when he finds out Yoongi likes you he doesn’t lose the opportunity to win something for himself.
Seokjin and Namjoon join in because for one they know and secondly they want to beat Taehyung in atleast one bet. They have lost one too many times and now they want revenge. What better way than to bet on a man like Yoongi who can’t even keep his own feelings masked properly.
“We should each bet something that holds meaning to us. Just to make things more interesting” Taehyung proposes.
The bet is placed as each of them puts forward something they cherish as decided. Seokjin bets his entire Mario plushies collection, Taehyung bets his favourite Gucci slippers, and Namjoon bets his absolute favourite plushie of Ryan (the kaokaotalk bear)
“I bet you that hyung is going to blush 12 times in the span of an hour” Taehyung says with certainty.
“I say 30” Seokjin says and both Namjoon and Taehyung look at him as if he has lost his mind. Finding himself being subjected to gawks he shrugs.
“Is that even humanly possible?” Namjoon questions and this time taehyung shrugs because he doesn’t know.
“I say 18 times” Namjoon slams his hand on the table and looks determinedly at the other two.
And so it begins
They say the best way to unravel a restrained man is to take him to a strip club. Nothing a little sexy dancing cant fix. Or so they say. But Taehyung knows something better than a strip club to get Yoongi all hot and bothered.
He figured out months ago that you had a penchant for dancing. So he convinced Hoseok to hire you as his assistant to help him. He might or might not have bribed him with some products from Supreme. But he got the job done.
So as you walk into the practice room, a look passes between Taehyung, Namjoon and Seokjin. They know they have to begin their bet so they get set up.
As the boys are practicing for their choreography Jin keeps messing up, albeit on purpose. So as usual Hoseok gets you to help him out while everyone else takes a break. Everyone else including Yoongi.
Taehyung spotting his chance sits on the floor next to him, taking a swig of water. He offers it to Yoongi who refuses.
“Y/n really knows how to dance doesn’t she?” He looks over at Yoongi who looks so pale, that it seems like he is deathly sick. But Taehyung knows the color has faded away from his face because he is watching you dance.
As you move your body to the beat of the music Yoongi visibly gulps. His eyes remained glued to your body, as each movement matches perfectly with the beat of the music and at one point he isn’t sure if the thumping sound is that of his heart or the bass of the song that is drifting from the speakers. His cheeks begin to turn red.
1
Its not a difficult step, its a simple sequence of lying on the floor and rolling your body over and lifting up your pelvis when your back hits the ground, but it needs to happen in one fluid motion.
“Hyung” Namjoon walks up to Yoongi and shows him something on the laptop. It is the arrangement of the track they are working on for the album.
“Yea this one shouldn’t- “Yoongi stops mid sentence as he spots your reflection in the large mirror as you are lying down on the ground, showing Jin how he needs to turn so that the actual spin of the movement and the end look put together and not two distinct moves.
Namjoon follows his line of sight and discovers it stops on you as you successfully pull off the move. He isn’t surprised though.
Namjoon eyes trace their way back to the man beside him who looks in awe but at the same time he is swallowing hard, and the color is rising to his cheeks again.
2
The next time it happens is when Hoseok is teaching you a body roll.
Yoongi watches as your abdomen moves so fluidly and perfectly you seem one with the surroundings. He has seen Hoseok dance and at times it has left him in awe. But in that moment he couldn’t care less what Hoseok was doing for his eyes refused to leave your figure and if Hoseok left him speechless, then watching you left him completely blank. He couldn’t even think properly.
Yoongi bites his lip hard, to the point blood comes gushing out.
“Here” Seokjin places a handkerchief in front of him and Yoongi distractedly takes it from his hand, completely missing his lip and placing the handkerchief on his cheek.
Seokjin doesn’t need to see it, but once again Yoongi is a blushing mess and he quickly looks away and begins to wipe the sweat that has formed on his forehead.
“Dance too hard huh” Hoseok comments as he catches Yoongi’s flustered form through the mirror.
“H-huh uhh.. Yea” Yoongi replies, almost breathlessly as once again he runs the handkerchief over his face. He looks so dazed Seokjin has a hard time controlling his laughter. But he tries his best.
3
The first three times leaves Yoongi so confused and stupefied that for the rest of practice he cannot concentrate and he keeps messing up. Yoongi was having a hard time with one step before all the mess started but now he couldn’t even remember the rest of what he had learned for the image of you dancing refuses to leave his mind.
“Hyung, concentrate” Hoseok says looking at Yoongi through the mirror as they all practice.
Taehyung, Namjoon and Seokjin look at each other, smiling evilly. He was close to his breaking point.
“Y/n” Hoseok calls you over
“Help Yoongi hyung please. He keeps getting the step in the fourth verse wrong”
The 3 boys who are a part of the bet watch as Yoongi begins to panic, as his eyes widen and his chest begins to rise and fall at a pace that ventures out of the range of normal.
“No- no it-its fine. I can do it myself” he fumbles with his words and his voice cracks a little. He covers it up with a cough.
“Is there a problem Yoongs?” You ask in concern as his face is completely red and he looks ready to pass out.
Yoongi bites his lip once more and shifts uncomfortably on his feet.
“No. I- I just mean that.. you k-know I can figure it out by myself. I don’t want to trouble you” he smiles weakly at you
“Its not a problem. I want you to do well” you smile at him and proceed to teach him as hoseok intended.
You stand behind him and begin guiding his hands and his arms, and placing them in the appropriate positions.
“Relax. You are way too stiff” you say and it is caught by Namjoon who looks at Seokjin and then at Taehyung as all three of the boys begin to break out into laughter.
You are just as clueless as he is.
Yoongi looks so dazed and confused its almost pitiful. He doesn’t look like he is breathing and he is visibly gulping.
“I- I need to go. I just remembered something” he excuses himself and with hurried steps leaves the room.
And then Taehyung, along with Namjoon and Seokjin break out into laughter and they all fall on the floor clutching their stomachs tightly.
“He- he’s so whi..” Taehyung can’t even speak because of how hard he is laughing and Jin is completely red in the face while Namjoon is trying hard to compose himself, but is failing miserably.
“Whats so funny?” Hoseok asks from beside them, with a confused face which sends the other three in another fit of laughter.
4
And like that in the span of an hour Yoongi blushes a total of 13 times, which means Taehyung ends up winning since he bet the closest.
“Pay up hyungs” he smirks at them
Namjoon and Seokjin stand with sulking expressions on their faces, mentally cursing Min Yoongi for not being better at masking his stupid feelings.
The next day Taehyung’s room is full of Seokjin’s Mario collection and his bed is adorned with Namjoon’s Ryan plushie sitting stark against the middle of the headboard.
Yoongi really should mask his feelings better
7.) Acknowledgement
Yoongi doesn’t know when it happens. He can’t point to a single moment. On some days it gives him anxiety just thinking about it and these days its even worse because of his mixtape that he is working on.
He’s been running into one problem after another. First the lyrics get rejected. Then the music arrangement doesn’t fit with the lyrics. Its one bad day after another and he doesn’t know if he can go on.
Its the middle of the night and he can’t sleep because his thoughts keep him awake. He has been tossing and turning in his bed for 2 hours, never finding a position comfortable enough. He isn’t sure if his bed isn’t comfortable or of its heart and his mind at unrest. He wants to say the former option, but he knows very well its the latter.
He reaches over to the bedside table where he usually keeps water but finding it empty he proceeds down to the kitchen where he fills himself a glass of water.
The night doesn’t seem so bad, so wrapping his bathrobe tightly around him, he steps out onto the patio where the air is breezy. It hits his face, and it reminds him of your touch. Its soft and light, and it tickles his face.
As he looks out to the city scape his phone chimes.
You // 9:35 pm:
Did you reach okay?
You // 9:30 pm
What are you doing?
You // 9:27 pm
Hey
A smile tugs on his lips as he swipes over the screen. Instead of typing a reply back he clicks on the green icon on the screen and from his favourites, clicks on your number.
It is in his favorites. In fact your number is the only one in that section
Ring
Rin-
“Hello? Your voice comes out much breather than expected and it doesn’t escape Yoongi’s notice.
If Yoongi was smiling before, now he was positively beaming. Just hearing your voice was making all the negative energy in his body recede. He didn’t know how it was possible that just hearing your voice could make him feel such a way, but it did, it does and it will continue to do so.
“Isn’t it like midnight?” Yoongi chuckles knowing what your response would be.
“Yea. But I wanted to talk to you, and besides its Sunday tomorrow” you reply, playing with the fingers of your free hand on the other end of the line. Yoongi can’t see it, but he knows you are doing it.
“I’ve told you so many times that you need proper sleep y/n. Why don’t you ever just listen to me?”
“And I’ve told you not to worry about me. I am fine. I am okay. If anything worry about yourself” you sigh
“Hey I’ve had my share of sleep today. I slept 12 hours and any more I might have needed someone to wake me up and they might have ended up getting punched in the face. You know me”
Yes I do.
Yoongi hears your laugh and he doesn’t know how it can instantly make his heart race. Even if he tried to make sense of it, he could never because your voice is the twinkle of the stars, its the remedy for all his ailments and most of all your laugh sounds like love.
He wishes for the moment to stop, so that he can catch each reverberation through the phone and in his memory knit it together piece by piece so when he needs it he can replay your laughter in his head.
But he feels proud that he can always make you laugh.
“How is your family?” He asks
“Mom and dad are gone on the trip. My brother and sister are asleep and me, well…” you pause and laugh weakly.
“Well what?” Yoongi asks, concern beginning to rise in his stomach. You don’t sound okay to him. Your voice sounds different. He knows something is up and immediately it begins to eat at him.
“I am sort of kind of standing in the middle of the street….” You laugh sheepishly
“You are what? What street? Y/n for god’s sake what are you doing?” Yoongi sounds frantic and he has a million questions in his head about your welfare but he doesn’t know where to begin.
“Well I mean I lost my house key and my siblings are deep asleep and I’ve tried knocking, ringing the bell, calling. But no answer for like an hour” you clear your throat awkwardly because you are sure Yoongi thinks you are dumb. You are sure that he is probably laughing at you silently. But as much as you think that, its the complete opposite.
Yoongi is in a panicked state. He is literally freaking out and he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want you to get sick but he doesn’t know how to say it.He doesn't want something to happen to you but he doesn't know how to tell you. So he settles for something simple that he hopes conveys all his worries, and concerns.
“You know you could always come to the dorm right?” He phrases it hesitantly , not wanting to seem like he is pushing it onto you. In other words he doesn’t want to come off across as a creep.
“Well about that” you laugh weakly and Yoongi’s eyebrows furrow in confusion
I am sort of standing in front of the dorm right now
Then he hears the gate of the dorm open and some hushed voices. He runs to the side of the patio that overlooks the front of the house and sees you being ushered inside by Taehyung and Jeongguk.
In a moment of panic he drops his phone from his hand. He wasn’t expecting you to come to the dorm and now that you are here he isn’t sure what to say. Or do. He isn’t even sure how to act.
Should I go say hi ?
No that would seem weird right?
Well I have to go say hi at least
Should I or should I not
If I don’t it would be rude and if I do it would be awkward
What the hell Yoongi pull yourself together dude
Its just y/n
…..
…..
…..
Exactly. It’s y/n.
On the other hand you don’t know how to act either. Its not your first time in the dorm. You have spent more nights here than you have at your own place. But your nerves refuse to calm down. Your stomach feels like its on fire and there is a weird itch in your bones. You cant name it but you know it has to do with a certain boy named Min Yoongi.
A deep hidden secret that you have managed to fool yourself into forgetting is that its not the first time you have felt this way. Especially at the dorm.
Its knowing that he is just a room away from you. Its knowing that he is in the same place as you and in this moment you are both sharing the same air. Its knowing that he is within a few steps reach but somehow still unreachable.
It is being aware of the fact that he is there with you but not at the same time. Its knowing that the longing you hold for him can turn into wishful thinking in the blink of an eye. Knowing still that if you place your hand on the wall you will feel the vibration of his music pulsating through. You will feel a piece of him.
Thats close enough
It is knowing all of this that you feel unnerved, and fearful, yet still full of hope. The heart plays its games well and you know because its not possible. It isn’t, yet the hope within your heart refuses to fade away.
Its not so much that you feel suffocated. It’s that what you want, who you want is right there but even that short spread of distance feels like an infinity. It feels like an interminable journey.
But being there, lying in the room next to his is close enough.
Its close enough.
The next morning you look absolutely exhausted. You couldn’t fall asleep the entire night for a particular Min Yoongi had been on your mind the whole time, not allowing you to fall asleep.
“You look tired y/n” Namjoon says from across the table.
“Yea.. I couldn’t sleep well” you play with your fork
The 6 boys all look at each other knowingly.
“Is anything bothering you?” Taehyung asks, sounding genuinely concerned.
“Hyung its not something its someone” Jeongguk says, and under the table Taehyung steps on his foot.
“Ahh… sorry, y/n a-are you o-o-okay?” He asks bringing his foot up to rest on his knee as he rubs it, giving the evil eye to Taehyung.
You are so lost in your thoughts that despite being asked about the same thing twice, you still don’t reply.
You pick on the food in your plate with your fork, mindlessly turning it over, the friction between the fork and the surface of the plate making squeaking noises.
“Where’s yoongi?” You ask absentmindedly, to no one in particular but all eyes turn towards you.
“He’s gone for his photoshoot at the studio” Jin says.
“Okay which one of you ate it?” He turns around, the spatula in his hand looking threatening.
Hoseok looks a little alarmed at the question, and buries himself further in his chair, avoiding Seokjin’s eyes. He remembers to hide all the candy in his room so that no one can find it.
“I think I saw Taehyungie hyung taking the candy yesterday” Jeongguk says, stuffing a spoonful of rice in his mouth.
He chokes on it as Taehyung hits the back of his head, and gets up from his seat as Seokjin advances in his direction with the spatula at the ready.
“I think it was Taehyung too” Hoseok yells as Seokjin has already begun the chase.
But in the midst of all the morning chaos you sit in your seat completely unaware of your surroundings for thoughts of Min Yoongi race in your head.
You get up from the table, slamming the palms of your hand hard on the table, catching the attention of everyone.
“I am going to the studio” you announce and without lingering around long enough to hear their responses you leave.
“I’ll come too” Jeongguk says, rubbing his hands with an evil smirk on his face
“Me three” Taehyung says as he dodges the spatula
“Me four” Seokjin pauses mid action to announce his intent of joining and taehyung sneaks away from him, running in the direction of his room and slamming the door.
“Me five” Hoseok says happily
“Me six” finally Namjoon finishes the count that you have no idea was even being counted up.
So, the six boys accompany you to the studio much to your chagrin.
Yoongi sits in the green room, make up done and ready to shoot. He’s done it a million times before yet he feels nervous about it. His insecurities resurface because of all the tension about his mixtape. Suddenly he doesn’t think he is good enough. He doesn’t think he deserves to be where he is. Suddenly he doesn’t deserve any of the friends in his life. Suddenly, he doesn’t deserve you either.
The door opens and you walk in followed by the rest of the boys.
But before anyone has a chance to wish to speak they are interrupted, as one of the staff members lets him know its time. He turns around in his chair and is surprisingly shocked to see the boys. As his eyes travel the room, he finds you hidden partially by Seokjin who noticing Yoongi’s eyes looking behind him, does the same and finds you. He shifts slightly to give you some way.
Yoongi smiles at you, and its accompanied by a small nod and you understand.
You do the same and he understands too.
He is dressed in a long white robe that covers his whole outfit and you cannot say you aren’t eager to know what his concept is.
Amidst the shouts of encouragement and good luck’s he leaves the room and makes his way to the studio.
The boys and you follow him out and stand behind the crew watching in the little computer screen where each shot will soon come through.
Your eyes stay glued to the monitor, where the image of Yoongi is projected as he takes a seat on the black stool, against the white drop background. He shrugs off his robe and it steals your breath away.
He is clad in a black suit, his blonde locks falling softly on his forehead. Against the white of the background, his skin seems to shine even more. He exudes so much power just sitting there and it leaves a trail of goosebumps over your skin and makes your spine tingle with something akin to excitement. Its a white hot rush of emotions and it rolls you over you in waves, translating into one word which seems adequate enough to express what you’re feeling.
“Wow” it leaves as a whisper through your mouth. Jimin who is standing the closest to you hears it first, but so does Taehyung. Both the boys share a smile over your head, and Taehyung begins whispering to Hoseok, who whispers the same to Seokjin, who whispers to Jeongguk who whispers it to Namjoon.
Seokjin claps a hand over his mouth, while the rest of the boys have wide smiles plastered on their faces. Smiles that speak volumes about how much you and Yoongi love each other.
You miss all of it because your eyes are focused on Yoongi still. You can see through the monitor as he visibly gulps, licking his lips. You know he is nervous.
You don’t like seeing him like that. It doesn’t suit him. You know what looks best on his face so you try to catch his attention by waving your hand above your head.
You flash a thumbs up to him and bend your arms over your head at a ninety degree angle, elbows sticking out as you make a heart.
Yoongi’s nervousness fades away as he looks at you, and the gummy smile is back on his face. That is the look you like seeing on him because that is when he looks the best. When he smiles is when he looks beautiful. Specially if the reason behind the smile is you.
You mouth a small good luck as he looks at you and nods in acknowledgement.
The boys watch the exchange and you are so immersed again in your own world that you miss how Seokjin has placed a hand on his heart dramatically or how Jimin and Jeongguk are videoing the whole thing, or how Hoseok is smiling so wide and so bright none of the lighting in the studio is needed. You miss how Namjoon is shaking his head at how cute and oblivious you two are and how Taehyung is awestruck seeing the bond between you and Yoongi.
You miss it all because Min Yoongi always steals your attention. You miss it all because like always Min Yoongi’s presence makes you forget your surroundings.
They say that a moment of realization comes like a flash. It comes unexpectedly and it hits you hard. It knocks down all your walls and leaves you a mess of racing thoughts and frantic heartbeats.
That is what is happening to Yoongi.
At first he thinks its a panic attack. But he’s not scared so how can it be a panic attack. Then he thinks he is losing his mind, which can of course be true but it feels too sane to be labeled as insanity. Its too clear of a feeling to be labeled as chaotic.
It happens as he is watching tv with the rest of the boys.
Then someone mentions your name.
Thats all it takes.
Thats all it takes and even though he has spoken and heard your name a million times before. Even though its has been the song he has sung in his head during countless sleepless nights, in that moment it triggers something.
Every memory he has buried inside his mind of you comes rushing back to him. Its only a few seconds long. Its like a flash. It gone as fast as it had come but it feels longer. Its the longest 10 seconds of Yoongi’s life as he gets sucked into it.
He remembers the first time he met you.
Namjoon had introduced you to the boys. Everyone had greeted you with bows and handshakes. But even so you could feel they were a bit reserved, and rightly so because they were a tight knit group, all boys at that and suddenly having someone else come in would change the dynamic.
So as you stood amongst the boys, who had gotten busy chatting about their performances, and upcoming practices you couldn’t help but feel left out.
“Boring right?” You heard a voice next to you and the boy with the black locks, who barely said anything throughout was standing next to you, attempting to make conversation.
“Its all the same for me” you had laughed weakly and he had smiled down at you.
That is how your friendship with Yoongi began.
He also remembers the first time he felt it.
It was when he was taking a video of the group as a whole. You were there too and as he was panning the camera around trying to capture everyone, he suddenly stopped on you because something about you struck him as different in that moment.
The way you were smiling was different. It was different because he had wanted to commit the moment in his memory and he had wished to map every nook and crevice, every curve of your features into his mind so that he could always remember this different feeling. It was different because it was the first time he found his heart racing, and a smile of his own tugging at his lips.
It was different because it took his breath away. It was different in the way that he wished for you to always smile like that. It was different because he could feel the adrenaline in his veins, it was coursing through, exciting him as he watched the smile on your face. The way the wind whipped your hair, and your soft locks fell on your face made his heart skip a beat.
It was different because your laugh sounded like a thousand bells chiming all at once, in perfect harmony. It was like listening to music. The music to which he felt his heart thumped with fervour in his chest. It was like liquid happiness, it felt like home and it sounded like love. your presence felt healing as if you were taking away all his worries and burying them deep down, where even he couldn’t find them.
It was different because for the first time, he really noticed you. Not just as Min Yoongi, but it was as if he was seeing you through someone else’s eyes.
But then as the boys had urged him to video tape some stupid handshake Taehyung and Jeongguk had invented, Yoongi was forced to move on from your face. So with a scowl on his face he videoed their handshake. But his mind was still reeling from the waves of emotions that were washing over him.
He remembers the time when he had gotten in a fight for you
He came to the dorm to you crying. You were curled up on the couch while the rest of the boys were huddling around you, whispering to each other, wondering how to comfort you.
He had dropped his bag, all thoughts of the gruelling day forgotten, as he pushed past the small crowd of 6 around you and crouched down on the couch beside you.
He had pushed your hair away from your face and asked you what was wrong. All he had heard in response was your crying, your sobs which broke his heart. If one could visualize it physically, Yoongi’s heart was quite literally breaking.
There were tears polling in his eyes, and your sobs sounded like excruciating cries of pain that he wanted to so desperately block out. But he also wanted to help you, so he gathered every ounce of courage he had in him to stay strong. To stay strong for you.
It had only taken one look at the boys and he knew it was your ex boyfriend.
He had marched to the man’s house, punched him in the face. Not just once but four times. In turn he had received some punches to the gut, but it didn’t hurt half as much as it did when he saw your crying face.
He had come back to the dorm, battered and bruised. His eye had taken quite a long time to heal. But he didn’t care because he would get into a million fights for you. He would fight the whole world for you if it came down to it.
There was nothing, he wouldn’t do for you.
And there was nothing he wouldn’t give to see that smile on your face.
Yoongi doesn’t know what to think. In fact for just one second he doesn’t even breathe. Voices sound distant in his ears. His head is swimming with so many thoughts.
He finally knows.
Yoongi sits in the recording studio fiddling with the microphone in his hands. He doesn’t know why he feels so nervous, but nothing in his life has been going right lately. Its just one of those feelings of fear of something going wrong, that holds you back. It’s holding him back too but then he sees you behind the other side of the glass.
You are smiling at him and mouthing a good luck. You even hold a little white board which reads
I know you will kill it :)
Thats all he needs.
You take a seat on the empty chair and plug in the headphones and Yoongi’s soft voice flows through the headphone.
Even when I pushed you away
Even when I resented meeting you
You were firmly by my side
You didn’t have to say anything
So, don’t ever let go of my hand
I wont let go of you either
My birth and the end of my life
You will be there to watch over it all
Through it all, he was looking at you. And you were looking at him.
And then it was clear. It was as clear as day what you had always been too blind to see.
He loved you and you loved him.
You wait patiently for him as the dorm as he wraps up the recording. You wait as patiently as you can because if it were up to you, you would be in that studio with him and you would be telling him that you know.
But you try to be fair because in all honesty you have taken a long time to get to this point, so you can afford some patience. You can wait. He has waited too, so its only a fair deal.
And then the door opens and Yoongi walks in.
By the time he arrives the rest of the boys have already come back from the studio after watching him record. They all offer their congratulations to him for finally completing his mixtape. Yoongi nods at all of them accepts the hugs gratefully, but he avoids meeting your gaze, while you continue to stare at him intently.
“Hyung you were awesome!!” Taehyung jumps on him and Hoseok joins in and then it becomes a big group hug. You stay at the sidelines and watch them, feeling a tight knot of emotions in your chest because you love all these dorks. Because you are in love with Min Yoongi. The thought makes you giddy. (In love with Min Yoongi)
“Hey guys didn’t we have that meeting we were all supposed to go to?” Namjoon says out of the blue.
The boys look at each other in confusion because as far as they knew there was no meeting.
“Remember….. the MEETING. THAT MEETING” Namjoon says again pursing his lips, hoping for them to get the hint.
Seokjin is looking at Namjoon who briefly glances between you and Yoongi. Then he figures it out.
“OHH yea that meeting. Alright kids time to go” Seokjin ushers the maknae line out of the door, while Namjoon takes Hoseok to the side and explains the situation to him.
Yoongi begins putting his shoes back on but Namjoon stops him.
“Its fine hyung. You take a rest. Manager knows you just finished your recording so you are off the hook” he smiles innocently. A little too innocently actually. But you are surprised at how good of a liar he is.
Yoongi looks like he wants to go, even though he doesn’t have to. But even if that is his intention he doesn’t voice it. Instead he bids them farewell, and closes the door behind him.
“Hey didn’t you have that interview thing? ” Yoongi says in a nonchalant manner as he picks up his bag.
You don’t reply and Yoongi once again speaks
“Thanks for coming to the.. t-the studio today” Yoongi breathes out the words heavily, his voice cracking slightly and he still refuses to meet your eyes.
“Yoongi- ” you say
“I was really nervous you know. Seeing the guys there really helped me” he laughs nervously as he continues to ramble.
He places the bag on the table and begins to pull out his notebooks, his headphones and all the other stuff he has buried in it.
He still doesn’t look at you though.
“Yoongi. Look at me” you say and he doesn’t even turn around.
“Yoongi” you say again, in a softer tone.
Silence
“I know. I know it now. I know that you love me” you say the words so casually, Yoongi doesn’t even believe it.
He thinks he is having auditory hallucinations so he shakes his ears.
“Yoongi. This is real”
Silence
This can’t be real.
None of it can
You make your way around so that you are standing in front of him. Yoongi’s face is completely flush.
“Yoongi. Please just look at me” your voice has a hint of pleading in it, it sounds desperate and there is a longing hidden beneath the words.
His head snaps in your direction
“I love you” you say and tears begin pooling in Yoongi’s eyes.
But it cant be true. The words don’t really hold much meaning. They are completely platonic right?. They are meant to be platonic. As much as he wants to believe it, as much as he hopes to save himself from the pain (because somewhere there is the fear that he’s just imagining it all in his head. Because it is that unbelievable for him). But he knows its true. He knows its much more than platonic.
He closes his eyes, revelling in the moment because it has been the source of infinite sleepless nights. This very moment has been the source of all his happiness, and pain alike.
Tears softly fall on his cheek, running down to his lips, where he drinks them in. He has yearned to hear the words for so long, that he finds himself wanting to hear them again.
“Say it again” his voice is a whisper.
“I love you Yoongi”
Again
“I love you Yoongi”
Again
“I love you”
And again
“I love you”
And Again
“I love you. I love you. I love you”
“I love you Yoongi. I love you so much. I love you. I just love you”
“I am in love with you Yoongi. I love you.”
And then his lips are on yours. He thinks its completely ridiculous how your lips seem to melt into his. He thinks its completely ridiculous how your hand fits perfectly in his, as he laces them together.
As ridiculous as it is, he wouldn’t have it any other way.
A trail of kisses is left on your face.
Forehead
Nose
Cheeks
Eyelids
Temples
Jaw
Chin
“Again. Please” he croaks out, and his voice cracks.
He is desperate. He is completely and utterly yearning to hear it again and again and he can’t seem to get enough of it.
“I love you Yoongi. I am hopelessly and completely in love with you. I love you”
“I love you too. God I love you so much y/n. I love you so so so so much”
“Okay one last time” he laughs and you do too, because neither of you can get enough of it but just saying it so many times begins to sound ridiculous. But it cannot get any better than this so it doesn't matter
“I love you” you whisper and crash your lips on his and its beautiful. It’s a euphoric feeling. Its like ecstasy and paradise. Its like a drug that you crave. It’s an addiction. But its the kind that you never want to give up on. You want more. You need more.
He does too.
But you’re more than close enough now
You are there. You are there with the man you are in love with and in him is all the universe you wish to find. In him are hidden all the jewels, and all the gems you could ever wish for. In him is all the love you crave, all the love you so desperately want. And its all for you.
You are finally there.
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Let Me Protect You Chapter 8/?
Pairings: Chris Evans x OFC Emilia
Word Count: 2,083
Warnings: Swearing, fluffy goodness, flirting, depression and sadness
Rating: PG-13
Summary: After Emilia’s fiancé cheats on her, she moves to California to live with her brother Eric, who just so happens to be good friends with Chris Evans. Follow Emilia and her roller coaster life through heartbreak, love, and emotional trauma. Will Emilia choose to let Chris into her heart, or will she remain broken and alone forever?
While you were out getting groceries with Eric, he found out he was actually going to be leaving tonight instead of tomorrow with Frank; so you finished up your shopping, unpacked the groceries in your kitchen, and said your goodbyes.
It would be a lonely week without your brother here, especially in a brand new city, but at the same time, you kind of liked being by yourself to figure things out. No distractions around really helped you to clear out your mind and that’s exactly why you moved out here in the first place anyways.
Deciding you didn’t want to make cookies quite yet, you paced over to your couch and lay down, hoping to get a little nap in. The events of the last few days catching up to you and you were exhausted.
The incident at the party; you and Chris discussing what might become between the two of you. You were seriously frightened by your relationship with Chris. Sure, you were just friends for now, but you only knew the guy for a day. Things like that just didn’t happen; did they? Of course you’ve heard the phrase “love at first sight”, but come on that was just a myth wasn’t it?
You had never felt such strong feelings towards someone upon meeting them. You already felt emotions and feelings more strongly than the normal person; being sensitive and all. But did you really want to add to all that? Your mind screaming no, don’t do it you idiot, your heart pleading yes, take the plunge, you need someone who will be good to you.
Ugh, now a headache was forming just thinking about all of this. Closing your eyes, you drift to sleep, hoping to wake up to a clearer mind.
Looking into Chris’ eyes, you just become lost in them. Lost in the sea of blue, as blue as the ocean you are currently at, nestled between his legs, lounging on the beach. You are relaxed in his strong grip as you keep gazing into his eyes.
Chris gives you that boyish grin you can’t help but love. He licks his lips as his eyes gaze down towards yours. Feeling slightly shy and nervous you start biting your lip, a tick you’ve always had when you became nervous.
“You need to stop doing that Emilia” he says in his husky voice, making your heart flutter and your stomach clench at the sound.
“Why don’t you make me” you banter back with your eyes quirked up.
He gives you an “oh really” look, and you know you’re done for.
He slowly, ever so slowly, starts leaning towards you; a look of pure lust on his face. His forehead reaches yours and rests there for a moment. Your lips are so close; you wanted him, all of him.
Your lips touch for the briefest of seconds before the noise jolts you two back. Was that a hurricane warning?
You lurch awake and almost fall off the couch as your phone chiming wakes you. Fuck, if your nap was supposed to clear your mind, that dream clearly made it worse.
You rose from your comfy couch to find your phone sitting on the kitchen counter, a text from Chris waiting for you.
Chris: Wheres maaahhh cooookkkiiieeesss???
You can’t help but double over laughing hysterically at the text.
Emilia: Sooo should I stop calling you Chris now and start calling you Cookie Monster??
Chris: I give you permission to call me whatever you want as long as I get some home baked cookies. Eric tells me they’re amazing
Emilia: I just woke up from a nap. Gonna start baking now. You know where to find me ;)
Chris: A nap? Slacker
Emilia: don’t make me lock my door on you Evans!!!
Chris: ;) see you soon beautiful
You don’t know how long you just stood there staring at the last text he sent you. You knew Chris was a flirtatious person by just talking to him. You knew you guys were just friends for the time being, maybe taking it to the next step; when you were ready of course. But for him to tell you you’re beautiful; you just didn’t know how to handle it. You weren’t used to compliments; you never accepted them with ease. But this felt different to you. It felt easier to accept, it felt like he meant it.
Not wanting to continue with the thought any longer, you wander into the kitchen and start pulling out everything you need for your cookies. You also needed some music, so you put your playlist on shuffle and plugged it into the Bluetooth speaker.
Baking was another one of your distractions t use to relieve the pressure and stress of your emotions and feelings. While it was way safer than the alternative you had, there wasn’t always a kitchen, or time, to just bake your feelings away.
You were hard at work, mixing up all your ingredients when there was a knock on your door.
“It’s open” you yell over the sound of your music.
“Honey I’m home” Chris says as he opens the door and walks in.
You give a sound somewhere between a snort and a chuckle, “Cute, real cute.”
“I thought so” he exclaimed, give you a wink.
When he came closer, your heart immediately started pounding; your mind racing back to the dream you had. Chris was a damn fine man, and you wouldn’t mind kissing those lips. You were actually a bit peeved your dream was cut short.
“Anything I can help you with?” he asks, breaking you from your thoughts.
“Not right now. But you can help with the sprinkles in a little bit. So just park your ass on the chair right there” you point, gesturing to one of the stools at the island counter you were working at.
“Yes Ma’am.”
You get back to mixing your ingredients into your bowl. Missio’s “Middle Fingers” song starts to play in the background and you can’t help but sing lightly to the song. You sort of deemed the song your new anthem with the way your life was going.
I am tired of seeing pretty people everywhere
I am not a model middle fingers in the air.
I used to drink whiskey now I’m stuck with Perrier
I’m an alcoholic middle fingers in the air.
I’ll just keep on throwing middle fingers in the air!
I’ll just keep on throwing middle fingers in the air!
I don’t like the music other people tend to share
Hate your loser lyrics middle fingers in the air
I’m a starving artist, nowhere close to millionaire
I prefer my kia middle fingers in the air
I’ll just keep on throwing middle fingers in the air!
I’ll just keep on throwing middle fingers in the air!
I’m a simple loner who the hell thinks that I care
I am not the party middle fingers in the air
The song fades and you stop singing and shaking your hips to the song. You were so lost in the lyrics of the song that you completely forgot Chris was sitting right there, watching you the entire time.
“Oops, got a bit carried away with the song, sorry” you mention as you duck your head in embarrassment.
“I didn’t mind, especially the view.”
“Of course you didn’t” you say to him, sticking your tongue out afterwards. “Are you ready for some sprinkles?”
“Am I ready for sprinkles?? That’s the best part!!” he says, rubbing his hands together as he walks over to your side of the kitchen.
He takes the sprinkles in his hands, and starts decorating the cookies with them. You can’t help but slip a small smile to your lips, loving the way Chris looks domestic standing here baking cookies with you. Your mind starts to drift, thinking what a relationship with Chris would really be like. You know it can’t be easy being in the spotlight, and having your relationship out in the public. Chris was a pretty private person when it came to his relationships, but you knew at some point in time it would get out to the public.
You’re also still battling with whether or not to tell him about what Eric mentioned. Even if you and Chris remain just friends, he has a right to know, being in the public eye and all.
“Penny for your thoughts” Chris asks, breaking you free from your thoughts for what felt like the millionth time. “You seem distracted. You ok Ems?”
“Umm yeah. Sorry about that. Ahh, did-did Eric men-mention anything to you. About me? And my past maybe?” you stammer a bit, a little nervous about the whole ordeal.
“Just about what happened with Charlie, and about you guys growing up.” He turns to face you, placing his hands on your slightly trembling shoulders, a strained look upon his face. “Ems, what’s wrong?”
You notice your eyes are starting to blur. Fuck, why is it every time you are around Chris, you can’t keep your emotions in check? You are always stoic and mask your emotions perfectly, but when you’re around Chris, your walls break down and your become vulnerable.
“There’s something I have to tell you. About my past. But I don’t know if-if I’m ready to tell you yet Chris. I’m not ready for the repercussions.”
Chris pulls you into his arms, trapping you with them. You let out shaky, uneven breaths, tears starting to blur your vision even more.
He rubs his hands up and down your back in a soothing way as you hiccup into his chest.
You shakily take your arms out from around yourself and grab onto his back, gripping his shirt.
“Sshhh whatever it is I’m here for you Ems. You know that. I know we’ve talked about this yesterday, and I’m still standing behind it. I have never, not once, felt an instant connection with someone like I did with you. Remember that you are setting the pace Ems. This may sound cheesy as fuck, but I’ll wait for you.”
He kisses the top of your head and just holds his lips there.
Safe. You feel safe again, in his arms.
“Thank you” you mutter out quietly, afraid of what your voice would do at this point.
“It’s not a problem sweetie” a smile appearing on his face.
You hear your phone go off with a text. You don’t want to leave Chris’ arms, but you know it might be Eric and you want to make sure he made it to the airport safely.
“I’m sorry, it might be Eric” you say grabbing your phone.
Looking at the text, you let you a deep sigh. “Great, just great” you say, throwing your phone onto the couch and walking outside, needing some fresh air.
You go to your favorite part of the yard, the spot overlooking the hills and bluffs of LA.
You hear Chris come up behind you and decide to keep your focus straight ahead of you.
“Everything ok?” he asks concerned.
“Turns out Eric won’t be gone for a week, but for the rest of the month. He won’t be returning until the end of October. He feels really bad leaving me here by myself, but I know it’s his job.” You turn to face Chris, sadness in your face knowing you were going to be alone for an entire month, not just a week. “I’m not mad at him at all, I’m angry at myself thinking him and I would have all the time in the world to catch up when I move out here.”
“If it’s any consolation, you got me!” Chris says, the cheeky grin on his face immediately putting a smile onto yours. “I needed a break so I made sure not to pick up any projects. I have a few interviews and photoshoots here and there, but other than that, I don’t have any projects lined up March of next year.” He lifts your chin to meet his gaze. “You won’t be alone Ems, you have me.”
Your heart melts at the intensity of the gaze he gives you. You can’t help but looked pleased.
“Come on beautiful, let’s go eat some cookies.”
He extends his hand for you to take, and you graciously place your smaller hand into his. The two of you stroll back into your house, all traces of sadness and anger gone; replaced with joy and peacefulness.
Tag List: @evansfanficweekly @always-an-evans-addict @ssweet-empowerment @patzammit @tacohead13
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So tonight is the three year Andrew anniversary, which is awesome!!! But I’m also letting it go.
Now that I’m hanging in one place for 4-5 years I want to try to start dating seriously, and since I’m looking for something monogamous for now, it’d be unfair to be engaging with real emotions for someone else, regardless of how fictional that someone else is. Andrew can still be a favorite character, but anything that would be inappropriate with a real life ex would be inappropriate with him, which includes self-insert fantasies.
I mention this here because I have a lot of wonderful anons who engage in the Andrew stuff with me, and my birthday is coming up and in past years I’ve had wonderful people drown me in Kiran/Andrew stuff, but I’m asking to not receive that anymore as I’m trying to move on. I absolutely love everything you guys have given me, but it’s time to let go. (If anyone forgets, that is a-okay, I’ll just reply privately.)
But thank you all so much for all the support you have given me over the years of this whole Andrew thing. It means the world to me. This was a fantastic journey and I loved every second of it.
I wrote one last self-insert thing to see this out.
Andrew’s hands are soft as they brush my hair behind my ear, but I can feel the rough callouses of physical training on his fingers. I lean into his touch, my eyes closed.
“Hey,” he says. “You okay?”
I nod once. “Will be,” I murmur back.
---
The first time I dreamed of Andrew, I dreamed of his pain. He was quiet and distant, troubled thoughts keeping his eyes downcast. I reached to him. He was startled by my touch, but accepted it – in time he came to seek me out when he was overwhelmed, would tuck his head into my shoulder as he melted into my hugs.
I dreamed I lay down to nap with the afternoon sun warm on my bed. I was drifting when a shift in the mattress woke me. Andrew had lain beside me, his back pressed right up to my chest, sadness a tension running through every line in his body. I slid my arm around his waist and held him close to me. He relaxed. I felt warmth suffuse me as I pressed my face against his neck and felt his hair tickle my nose.
I woke to reality – a cold, empty bed, but that warmth still radiating throughout me.
Dreams are not reality, and yet they usher in emotion as vivid, as tangible, as any waking feelings. Dreams are not reality, but they are moments of experience all the same -- gifts that do not have to follow the rules, where fiction can be made flesh and bone and wrapped in a hug.
---
I curl up into a ball on the couch, fleece blanket draped over my shoulders. Andrew brings us tea -- mine in the Star Trek mug with the likeness of Kirk and Spock emblazoned on the side; his in the mug painted in a facsimile of R2-D2. I cradle my tea in my hands, and the scent of chamomile wafts up to me.
---
I wonder what Andrew would smell like. I like to think of cedar and cinnamon – they go together, and they call to mind the earthiness and homely comforts I associate with him. Cedar and cinnamon. But it’s only a romantic, poetic phrase that would never capture the nuances of a personal scent.
It was late summer in Montreal. I pressed my face into a sweatshirt and a pillow and an old stuffed animal and imagined them Andrew. The sweatshirt smelled not of much; the pillow of me; the stuffed animal of the milky muskiness of an old childhood toy. The window was open, letting in the scents of thunderstorm. My roommate had lit a candle; it smelled like pine. My feet were propped up on one of many boxes stacked around the emptying apartment, and dust tickled my nose.
I was on the cusp of a move, of letting go of a home that breathed happiness and trying to rebuild all that on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. I was going to leave almost everything behind. I was nervous and excited and wary and hopeful, and the feeling of being caught in the currents of life was so strong it was almost overwhelming. But Andrew was coming with me.
It was all so fucking tangible – the feeling of change of hope of growth of life, and of Andrew being there. He’d be coming with me in the form of a pillow and a sweatshirt and a stuffed animal and a whole lot of imagination, but it all tangled together and he felt real. I could almost feel his warmth, could almost see the scrunch between his eyes as he thought. I could almost smell him.
I tightened my arms around the pillow and inhaled again.
----
“You wanna watch something?” Andrew asks, as he scoots onto the couch next to me.
I pull my knees up so they’re resting in his lap. “Sure. Surprise me – something I haven’t seen yet.”
Andrew quirks a slight smile. It’s that awkward, asymmetrical kind of smile, the one that so wonderfully suits the restless energy he has even now as he snuggles up close and pulls out his phone.
Andrew talks in references the way others talk in idioms. Sometimes I get them. Sometimes I stare blankly at him, and he catches my bewildered expression. “Oh man, you’ve never seen that? It’s going on the list.” Then it’s times like now the list comes out.
“I’m sorry; I can’t decide,” he declares after a moment, and pushes the phone at me. “What do you want?”
I skim the list. “How about Indiana Jones?”
Usually the thought of Harrison Ford would make Andrew light up, but when he smiles this time, it’s sad. I find his hand and give it a squeeze.
“Okay,” he says.
---
I started the list based on the references in the show or the comics that Andrew would make and I didn’t know. It grew to references he made in fanworks; then the list grew to include anything I simply thought he’d like and I hadn’t seen.
Star Wars, James Bond, Ghostbusters, Men In Black, Jurassic Park.
It began in Montreal, movie nights in the apartment softly lit by multicolored fairy lights. Friends passed around “Andrillow” as the pillow-sweatshirt-stuffed animal conglomeration had been named, laughing, hugging, hiding behind his mass of fluff when dinosaurs jumped out of the shadows.
Later, on the other side of the ocean, it was just me and the pillow. But movie nights with a pillow can be surprisingly healing when you’re struggling to adjust.
Back to the Future, Battlestar Gallactica, Footloose, Mission Impossible, Jaws.
I curled up against the plush of Andrew’s chest and propped the laptop up in front of us. One of the sleeves of his sweatshirt tangled around my arm. I felt a rush of softness, and I thought of the hormonal changes one undergoes as a result of experiencing reliable social support and fondness and love – increased serotonin and oxytocin and reduced cortisol in response to stress. I wondered, if one were to sample my saliva, what would the effects be of pillow hugs and sharing in the interests of a fictional character?
Maybe a test would find me aptly in love. Maybe there would be measurable effect on my hormone levels, but not as strong as it would be with a flesh-and-bone partner. Maybe there would be nothing at all. But in Leeds, where underwhelming days melted together and movie nights with a pillow were a regular heartbeat of happiness that kept it all alive, I had to think there would be something.
---
Andrew usually has many opinions about the movies we watch. Oh, he’s good about not talking over the movie; he would never want to compromise a movie-watching experience like that. But I can see his reactions in his body language, in the way he tenses or relaxes or leans forward or shifts his weight.
Today, he’s barely watching. When I try to hold his hand, he fidgets restlessly; we finish our tea and he goes to make more without pausing the movie.
“What did you think?” I ask when the credits roll.
---
Andrew’s not real. I know that, of course. I feel his unrealness most in his silence.
Andrew is so defined by his words, by his passions and opinions and stories. But to hear them, I write – contemplate his perspectives on media I know only tangentially, painstakingly word them in his voice. There are only so many words I can write for a storyteller before I make him obsolete. I write and create and imagine and examine, and the more I build Andrew’s character in my head, the less real he feels. He is no longer his own; he is an entity of my imagination and biases. That is not whom I love.
But then there were comics that wrote him in a pen other than my own, and in the smallest details I would never have considered, I fell in love again. I wouldn’t have given him polo shirts or boaters shoes – and oh, the watch! I was so bowled over by that watch; such a small detail, so not me. I could imagine it was pure Andrew, and I loved him for that damn watch.
There were of course the out-of-character moments, but there were also just the moments that pushed my expectations, and how I loved him for each. In Pieces on the Ground tells me we’d argue about the merits of media piracy. I’ve considered what moments of tension we might have, but what a gift to have an unexpected disagreement. I’ve cried over new issues in which Andrew appears, because those are the moments where the realness of Andrew would be the most poignant; one short appearance of a handful of panels would protect him from being consumed by my own imagination for months.
I still ache to hear him talk. To hear him ramble, to see his eyes light up as he tells me about the nuances of comics I’ve never read, to hear his opinions, to learn more about him. For him to teach me who it is I love.
But he is not real.
---
We fall into a heavy silence. Our second cups of tea are finished; the television is dark.
I feel my chest ache. I’ve anticipated this moment, but it still sucks. My eyes prickle at the corners, and I squeeze them shut. I lean into Andrew’s shoulder; he wraps an arm around me.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs into my hair.
“We always knew there was an expiration date,” I tell him. “It could never be forever.”
“I know, but…”
He trails off. I twist a hand in his shirt. Fuck, I hate to let go of all of this. To let go of this source of joys, of inspirations, of support, of tenderness. My head spins with all the points of my life he has touched: hundreds of thousands of words of writing, a novel, drawing, embroidery, baking, secondhand joy at the Star Wars merchandise in every grocery store, friendships –
I exhale. “This was an incredible run. I don’t regret a damn thing.”
“You’re going to be great.”
I nod haltingly, then pull back and let Andrew’s arm slip off my shoulder. “Thank you. I really did love you.”
“I know.”
I give him a small smile and squeeze his hand.
It’s time to let go.
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Mimneskesthai - Misrecollect - Amnesia pt 3
Series: Mimneskesthai
Title: Misrecollect
Chapter: Amnesia pt 3 (1 | 2 | 4 | 5 | AO3) (Hypomnesia)
Fandom: Red vs Blue
Characters: Agent Florida/Butch Flowers, Tucker, Alpha AI, Church
Story Summary: Church blamed his faulty memory on the head injury. Everything was all mixed up. He’s pretty sure he’s got the most important bits down now; if only Captain Flowers would stop asking. Honestly it’s like Agent Florida—Flowers—Florida?—thought Church would give him away.
Oh.
Oh.
Well this explained a lot.
.
Wherein Alpha’s memories are even more of a mess than previously thought.
a·mnesia – n. modern latin
1. loss of a large block of interrelated memories; complete or partial loss of memory caused by brain injury, shock, etc.
2. loss of memory
from –
a- – prefix; latin
1. Not
-mnesia – suffix; latin
1. (condition or type of) memory
from –
a·mnesia – n. greek
1. forgetfulness
Florida looked to Private Tucker hunched over a bowl of cereal and noted the apparent absence of Alpha from the commons. He took a second to parse that information before he released the catch of his helmet—the subtle hiss a comfort—and carefully set it down on the table. With a soft sigh he headed over to the cabinets, pulled out a mug, some earl grey tea, and began to boil water.
“Where has Private Church gotten off to, Private Tucker?” Florida asked lightly with a soft smile pressed against his lips. The teakettle began to whistle softly as the water heated.
Tucker swallowed his bite of cereal and rubbed the back of his hand over his mouth. “Migraine. Went to lay down.” Tucker tilted his head back to regard Florida. “Shouldn��t we, you know, call in a medic now Captain?”
Florida tsked. “I told you, Private Tucker, call me Cappy. Or Cap, if that’s your flavor.” He turned and gave Tucker a wide smile. “I’d really hate for all this command structure to get between our team.”
Tucker stared, and said slowly, “You call me and Church Private, dude.”
“Mm,” Florida hummed lightly and pulled the kettle off the stove. “How bad is the poor things head this time?” he said instead of addressing Tucker’s carefully worded, and correct, reply.
Tucker breathed out heavily through his nose and turned back toward his cereal while Florida made his way over to the table. “I gave him some aspirin, he went to lay down.”
“And how did he appear?” Florida asked lightly. Tucker frowned, and Florida watched how he gripped the spoon tight. Perhaps he should try to mitigate attachment. It wouldn’t do to have Alpha fracture while in a host.
“Slow,” Tucker said carefully. “Confused. Tired. Same as fucking usual.” Tucker shoved more cereal into his mouth and it took all of Florida’s willpower not to grimace at the display. “I still think we should call in a medic. Something’s seriously fucking wrong.”
Florida hummed, sipped at his tea, and set the mug down. “I hear your concerns, Private Tucker. I don’t think we need a medic at this time, but I have forwarded the issue to Command.”
Tucker looked up, almost relieved. “So we’re getting a medic?”
“No,” Florida told him flatly. “Don’t you worry about it, Private Tucker. Just let me know if you see any changes, alright?” Florida gave him a bland sort of smile. “Enjoy your breakfast.” With grace Florida got up from his seat, mug in hand, and headed out of the commons. He left his helmet behind—it didn’t matter if he was in armor right now. It was nap time after all.
Right on schedule, Florida mused as he headed down the hall of the base and pushed open Alpha’s door. Consistent; and a cause for concern. Hopefully the Director pulls through. This ploy wouldn’t work if Alpha slept far too much after all. While Florida understood the AI being tired—having whole pieces of yourself forcefully twisted away in the manner that it’d been had to be tiring—this entire ruse depended upon some level of activity. Private Tucker would expect nothing less, and if Alpha didn’t improve the boy might just go and try to contact V.I.C.
Agent Florida hummed softly as he settled down onto the edge of Alpha’s bed. He sipped his tea with one hand, the other curled into the dark locks of hair on Alpha’s host’s head. They really chose well with Private Jimmy, Florida mused. Dark hair, lighter eyes—a slightly oval face and not-quite-prominent cheekbones. The only discrepancy that Florida could see were the freckles, and the exact shade of pale of Private Jimmy’s skin. All in all the similarities worked in their favor. It’d do no good to have Alpha go through periods of intense dysphoria because of something as simple as appearance.
With a soft hum Florida tugged his hand through the host’s hair, Kevlar and armor covered fingers digging lightly into the scalp.
“Private Church,” Florida said softly. “Are you there?” He watched as the brow furrowed and the faint groan came from Alpha. Florida frowned, and cautiously whispered, “…Alpha?” That garnered a slightly louder groan, this one with some sort of question as Alpha’s head turned.
Wonderful, Florida thought with a grimace. Oh, well, it worked in his favor for now.
“Program; system status check,” Florida said, and made sure to keep his voice low. He leaned over the host body and kept his face close to Alpha’s ear. It wouldn’t do for Private Tucker to hear him address the AI.
Alpha moaned, but this close Florida could see the way the host’s eyes fluttered and shifted. For a second there was no response, and then Alpha began to mumbled in the sleep hazed and distant way that Florida did not expect.
“Men-ntal scarring, damaged neu-neur-neural net and implannnnt site electrical b-b-burns. M-M-Memory malfunction with ddddata chip.” Alpha shifted as Florida dug his fingers into the host’s hair with a sharp grimace, entirely not pleased with what he could hear or how he could hear it. “A-A-Agent Fffflorida?” Alpha slurred. “Where—”
“Go back to sleep, Private Church,” Florida murmured. He relaxed his fingers and leaned in close to almost press his lips against Alpha’s forehead. “These headaches will go away soon.”
“Fffflor-flor-flowers?” Alpha mumbled, brow furrowed from both pain and confusion.
“That’s right,” Florida said gently. “Cappy’s here. He’s got you, Private. Go back to sleep and everything will be okay.” Florida waited for any further response, and then sighed when Alpha finally drifted back off.
With a scowl Florida got back to his feet and stared down at the AI stuck in a host body. He shook his head and mumbled a short curse before Florida plastered back on his genial smile and slipped out of Private Church’s room. He headed back to his own and contemplated how to phrase this in a report, and even if he honestly should. The fact that Alpha could still manifest and follow an obvious command perhaps could be considered a good sign—or a bad one, depending on how far the Director desired to follow through with this ruse.
Florida wondered if the time came that they finally stopped Agent Maine and the AI fragments that had fallen into full blown rampancy if they’d call this mess finished and return Alpha to whatever the Director desired to have the AI settled into. If that was indeed the overall plan then perhaps the subtle signs that Alpha still presided as a consciousness beside what they wanted Alpha to be—in this case ‘Private Church’ as the designation the AI gave—was in fact a good thing. Florida shook his head. It wouldn’t do to contemplate this for now. There was plenty more to focus on for the time being.
Such as nap time. If there was one thing Florida appreciated it was that Alpha gave him the perfect excuse for nap time. Infiltration and information gathering could be so tiring after all. Florida shed his armor, set his mug of tea down on the bedside table, and flopped over with a pleased sigh. There was only one thing missing from the bed, but Florida could deal with that easily enough. With a pleased hum the Freelancer settled down for his own nap.
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