#sense of self for many years now... what do

[crisiscutie]

Since we have Father Sephiroth do you think we can have Biological Mother darling with son Sephiroth? Especially a possesive son Sephiroth?

This is a super interesting idea! I have so many ways of how this dynamic could work out... Consider the following to be experimental musings since nothing is set in stone yet. In general though, I imagine this Sephiroth would start out as Fluffy but turn into a yandere as his insecurities surface and he reverts to his true self; a lost, broken boy.

Content Warning: Emotional abuse. Yandere Sephiroth. Unhealthy and unsettling family dynamics.

Counterpart to Yandere Father Sephiroth Musings.

༻❁༺ You should've seen this coming. From the constant visits to the persistence of staying with you longer than necessary...

༻❁༺ You thought it was just his way of making amends for the lost time since he was stolen from you as a baby.

༻❁༺You reunited with your dear son here in Mideel a year ago, when he left Shinra for good. He recognized you from a distance when he saw you gardening.

༻❁༺ After he finished crying into your neck for what felt like an eternity, he told you about how he always wanted to find you, to be with you at every single he spent in that hell.

༻❁༺ And the poor thing thought your name was JENOVA. When you corrected him, he raised his palm to his face, an eerie, broken chuckle escaping his lips. A single last tear cascaded down his cheek.

༻❁༺ It concerned you, but you overlooked it, realizing that it likely came from his painful and traumatizing childhood. At least you both can now confront it and handle it together.

༻❁༺ His gorgeous slit eyes lit up as you rubbed his shoulder and caressed his cheek.

༻❁༺ "You're as radiant as I imagined you to be, mother..."

༻❁༺ From that point onwards, he was practically attached to your hip, observing how you handled domestic chores and attempting to do them himself. He was worried sick that he would mess up, as he had never done things like this before.

༻❁༺ Yet his ability to pick up things quickly always impressed you. He learned so fast... In fact, he seemed a little too eager to please you and relate to you. This worried you, so you reassured him he didn't need to change himself. You wanted him to express his true self.

༻❁༺ And so he did. He especially never hid the amount of love he had for you, his precious Mother. Each time he hugged you, his grip was so tight that you could sense his hesitation to release you, even if he didn't verbally express it.

༻❁༺ It doesn't matter if he was busy with an important task like hunting beasts. If you needed him for anything, he'd drop whatever he was doing, just for you. Even if it was something small, like getting fruits from the town's market.

༻❁༺ But he was poor at interacting with others, especially whenever other men came around you.

༻❁༺ He would lurk behind you, his seething eyes darkened toward anyone who dared to disturb his bonding time with you. He treasures each moment spent with you as if it were a precious currency. Even when your eyes are not on him, he became restless and antsy.

༻❁༺ Most were scared off whenever he gave them that intense stare. However, there was one time where he had gone too far and nearly beheaded a lone traveler. His crime? The traveler had simply asked you for directions while you were gardening with Sephiroth.

༻❁༺ Even Sephiroth himself didn't know what had driven to do that. Perhaps it was the seething jealousy that consumed him as he watched you playing with and caring for the children at the local orphanage, even though it was merely your job. Or maybe it was the way you stared at that man in the market earlier. Or maybe he was antsy from the lack of quality sleep.

༻❁༺ Usually, your sweet son tried to disguise his possessiveness around you, but this time, he couldn't hide it.

༻❁༺ Thankfully, you screaming at him and grabbing his arm, just as he was about to deliver the killing blow to the poor traveler, seemed to snap him out of his dark trance.

༻❁༺ With his eyes like a guilty kitten, he stared at the ground. He wasn't sorry for the man he almost killed, but for the minor crime of upsetting you.

༻❁༺ His powerful, deep voice had the pace of a child caught in the act.

༻❁༺ "Mother," he choked out, unable to meet your gaze, his shame clear. "I-I didn't mean it..." The thought of you leaving him, like others before, crossed his mind, nearly pushing him to another breakdown.

༻❁༺ You stared at him solemnly, before wrapping your arms around him in a loving, soothing hug.

༻❁༺ Later that night, his murderous rage surfaced again, not directed toward you, but towards the world. It wasn't fair that he had to spend a lonely, painful childhood and early adulthood as a glorified hunting dog. It wasn't fair that he had lost the few friends he had. And it certainly wasn't fair that, after finally reuniting with his precious mother, she had already built a life for herself, taking care of OTHER children.

༻❁༺The only thing he felt ashamed of was his jealousy of your interaction with the orphans. But it was too triggering for him to fully accept it.

༻❁༺ While you were busy making dinner for yourself and a small group of friends, he easily slipped into your house without being seen. You felt your heart leap at the sound of his deep, velvety voice, his muscular body pressing against yours as he stood uncomfortably close, a mischievous smirk on his lips.

༻❁༺ "...You're having a feast tonight, aren't you, mother?" your son whispered ominously in your ear. As you turned around to face him, you suddenly realized how imposing he truly was. Your first meeting with him was a stark contrast to now. Gone was the tall, shy boy; in his place stood a terrifying killing machine. It felt as if you were talking to an entirely different being altogether.

༻❁༺ "Yes. I will have company over later... What's wrong, Sephiroth?" You asked. You don't know how you kept a tough act. The doubt consumed him as his eyes narrowed at you and a frown replaced his smirk.

༻❁༺ "So this is what you were doing over years... While I spent my life as Shinra's monster!" His hands hovered around your hips, almost wanting to grab them, but he grabbed the marble counter behind you instead, causing it to crack with ease.

༻❁༺ You gasped. You were sure that he didn't even mean to do that, but it was hard for him to control his strength at the moment.

༻❁༺ And you've already told him what you've been doing these past years, but now it's time to prove it. You took his hand and led him to your bedroom. You revealed your involvement with AVALANCHE by showing him files of classified documents from underneath your bed.

༻❁༺ Each document revealed a different side of Shinra's operations - the meticulously gathered area survey information about Mideel and Shinra's dealings here, the closely guarded company secrets you knew, and even other corrupt dealings that had plagued them for years. This was the best way you could strike back at Shinra, but you had to keep your identity a secret.

༻❁༺ You've seen the Turks around this town a handful of times. You knew it was their job to find you and silence you, so you had to lie low. But you still wanted to reunite with Sephiroth, which is why you started to work with AVALANCHE under a persona, relaying to them what you can aside from your identity as Sephiroth's mother and going out on missions to get closer to him.

༻❁༺ He was dead silent as you went through the documents. Then he apologized to you, his kitten eyes resurfacing. They always made you so weak at the knees. He wrapped his arms around your waist and nuzzled his face into your chest.

༻❁༺ Although you didn't see it, a small sneer formed on his lips while you were calling off dinner with your friends, all to spend the night comforting your sweet son.

༻❁༺ You eventually fell asleep on your bed, but Sephiroth was still wide awake, still too high from your motherly touch and the thoughts of vengeance. He'd take away everything Shinra cherished. They will feel his despair.

So making something clear, Mother Darling is NOT Lucrecia. But I guess she could be an AU version of her if you want to see her that way. It's your imagination 🤷. Her past and the reason behind Sephiroth being stolen from her are different. Much of yet to be discovered.

And these musings are experimental, so nothing is set in stone yet. I had other ways how a Mother Darling/Son Sephiroth dynamic could be explored, but I decided to write this one to see how it flows.

A NSFW follow-up here.

#sephiroth #ff7 sephiroth #final fantasy 7 #ff7 #yandere sephiroth #final fantasy x reader #sephiroth x reader #crisis cutie #yandere x reader #yandere son #yandere x you #yandere x darling #yandere x y/n #x reader #x female reader #tw: emotional abuse #tw: yandere

[icyblogs]

flesh and bone

Winter represents many things. The start of a new season. The beginnings to an end. Or the beginnings of a new start. Years finally caught up to you, finally knowing enough to summon a creature able to fulfill things beyond your wildest imagination. So why is it that you're now finding out that everything was orchestrated from the very start? Or: A DND au where a human falls into the clutches of a fiend and his guard dog. (chapter 2!) Patron!Ghost x Fem!Reader x Warlock!Soap WC: 7.2K [AO3] First chapter -> Next Chapter Warnings: dark fic!! dubcon touching, noncon kissing, mentions of death, paranoia, gaslighting, reader has a backstory to make sense for plot, reader is a little silly, johnny being an overall menace, ghost doing ghost things.

Time came and passed, but it was nothing discernable. Consciousness not quite ever being fully up and running the times you did briefly wake up. There were voices- you think- but it was hard to tell. And with the sound came the feeling of phantom hands, fingers trailing over your skin. Limbs being moved, the brief moment of pain being settled with hushed whispers of apologies. It was hard to think, hard to function. Darkness spreads. Sand trickles through the hourglass. The sun rises and falls, the hours turning into days. 

It wasn’t waking up with a gasp, that would be too theatrical. Too novel of an idea, of waking up so sudden and everything being fine and dandy. That you’d be up and raring to go. It was a slow process, one that made every nerve flare up at once- merely the process of peeling your eyelids open enough to have some sort of idea of what had happened to you. Blearily looking around from your limited vantage point, gaze floating around aimlessly, not able to properly focus on anything. The area was dimly lit for one- almost to the point of making it even more difficult to properly take a look at everything. 

An attempt to lift your head from the object below it- soft yet solid- was made before a jolt of lightning seemed to shoot down your spine, curling through your nerve endings and then back again, ending back at the nape of your neck. A choked whimper makes it out through clenched teeth, a grimace painting your features. Your brain feels like mush, surroundings blurring to the point of becoming unrecognizable. Not wanting to move your head, let alone anything above your shoulders in fear of retribution striking down yet again.

The sound of a chair creaking resounds throughout the room, and it was difficult to remember any sense of self preservation, eyes continuing to roll around in a weak attempt to figure out exactly what was going on. It was hard exactly to remember what had happened- you .. were somewhere. The mountains, right? Where were you–

“Took ye long enough.” Too loud though his voice was barely above a normal volume, and your eyes squeeze close as if that would cause the onslaught of noise to dissipate. “Ah ‘m sorry hen, forgot you’d still be a wee bit sensitive.” Hushed this time, and when you mustered the strength- his blue eyes were staring straight back at you. Distant thoughts drift through your subconsciousness. The.. half-elf, right? The blue was darker than you’d remembered: Iolite, sodalite, lapis lazuli in a swirl of an emotion you couldn’t quite catch before his brow furrows in what seemed to be concern. He looked familiar- though.. Different. More rough- more aged; his hair longer in this style, flowing down to the nape of his neck. Scars covered his face, though it was hard to pick which one exactly to focus on: the one by his chin, over his eye, adorning his temple. Your eyes fall half-lidded, struggling to remain in the present.

A frown graces your lips, one he was quick to lean forwards to do something about. Encroaching in your personal space like he owned it, like you were friends, like you anything but strangers. There wasn’t a moment nor opportunity to move as one of his large hands cups the back of your head, careful of the wound near it- his other hand coming up and wiping the crust from your eyes, his fingers almost trembling. His skin was warm, but rough. You could only stare dumbfounded, letting the man move you like a doll as your tongue darts out to wet your chapped lips. He watches the motion unblinkingly, his own lips parting in response, breath catching in his chest.

“Y-You..” A cough, resulting in swallowing a few times to get your bearings. Voice hoarse, like sand coating your tongue. Your mouth opens and then closes, repeating that a few times as you then sniffle. Feeling the familiar burn rise to your eyes, tears further blurring what was already starting to become disconnected from the world, one of his thumbs brushing away the moisture trickling down your skin. Trying to move, but your limbs weren’t necessarily cooperating. Like a puppet with its strings cut off, privy to his hands which seemed to be holding the strings. Everything felt heavy. Lost. Disconnected. “Where..?”

To his credit, his expression didn’t even once waver that you could tell. Eyes fervently bright, betraying his weak attempt at comforting you. His head cocks, leaning forwards and nudging at your face with his nose, a grimace painting your features as he inhales deeply. An elven custom you didn’t know about maybe? “Shh.. Sh.. Yer safe now.” One hand still cupping the back of your head he leans back for a brief moment, procuring a silver chalice. He starts to lift your head and upon seeing the immediate discomfort at the movement, he only coos, hand leaving your cheek. His eyebrows furrow, scanning your face, and then he takes a swig of the liquid.

There was but a brief moment of still air before his lips came crashing against yours. Any thought you might’ve had immediately leaves as sheer panic makes its way through the foggy seams instead. Wiggling like a mouse scrambling to try and not get caught in a trap it hadn’t fully been aware of. And like adhesive, his hand firmly sticks to and cradles the back of your head, his other pressing against your sternum when another attempt to feebly twist away was made. Lukewarm liquid spills down your skin, as he squeezes a bit harder, your lips parting in a garbled gasp as he bullies his way into your mouth, transferring the fluid into your system.

There was a shift in the room as his body hovered over yours. What you now vaguely recognize was actually water going down your throat, similar to his tongue as it seems to ignore your lack of hygiene, trying to steal your breath away, licking your teeth, your gums, trying to consume your essence like a dog getting a bone as a treat- like he was trying desperately to get your soul intertwined with him; to connect you two together. More water spills as the bed shifts slightly against the wall in a rhythmic pattern for but a brief moment, glassy eyes wide as you stare back at his blissful expression as he groans into your mouth.

It was maybe a minute at most but it felt like ages, dizzy and lightheaded as he finally pulled back from you. “See, ‘s all good, isn’t it?” The blue eyed elf cheeks were flushed, the connected string of saliva between the two of you being taken away as his tongue ran from the corner of your lips up to your nose. He then proceeds to rest his forehead against yours, his even breathing combined with your haggard ones in the small space, as if finally recognizing you weren’t responding to what he just did. “Need mor’ water, hen?” You think you were going to be sick, eyes once more rolling to the side to try and peer away from him, feeling weighed down to the bed by more than just his hands.

Disbelief. Panic. Terror. So many emotions washes over your features in an amalgamation of just a whirlwind of ‘what the fuck’. Your head was pounding, the only sound in the room was a consistent pulse, badump badump badump. Unable to stop the steady trickles of teardrops as they fall, and his head tilts slightly against your skin once more, falling forwards as he rubs his temple against yours, his facial hair tickling your cheek. He inhales deeply once more, unabashedly, before letting out what seemed to be a sigh of content.

He speaks your name softly, a hushed whisper. “Why’re ye so quiet?” The tears start to fall faster and you hiccup, facial expression crumpling. He immediately pulls back, eyes scanning your expression, his own filtering into one of confusion and then adjusting itself to an easy going smile. You were definitely going to be sick. “‘S Johnny, remember? None of them tears, ye hear me? There’s nae need for ‘em. You’re safe now, yeah?” 

Johnny? John. Ah. Right, that was his name. How could you have forgotten?

Johnny adjusts his hands, one coming up to cup your cheek, squeezing ever so slightly as you start to speak. “I don’ feel so good-”

“Need a bucket?” Another wave of confusion hits you as you squint up at him, watching as he continues to smile, thumb brushing away one of the many tears despite how they just seem replaced by more twofold.  It was getting harder and harder to tell what was real and what was not- he.. kissed you, right? Shoved his tongue down your throat so why was he acting like nothing had happened? Was it truly a custom you weren’t aware of? You weren’t friends- hell, you barely remember the guy besides he was the one that gave you that dumb list you’ve spent years of your life on. And along with his stupidly blue eyes. And dumb haircut. 

Stomach twisting and churning, gulping hard as your eyebrows pull together. He must’ve known something you didn’t because his hands left you, and in but a brief moment, you were over the side of the bed, emptying nothing but water and stomach acid into the steel of a bucket. Ignoring the searing pain shooting up your spine as you cough out phlegm, gagging as you spill your guts. Your throat felt tight, constrained and small as one of his hands held back your hair the best he could, the other gently rubbing your back- the heat of his palm prominent even through the thick fabric of what you were wearing. “I ken, I ken, it’s hard the first time. Gets better ye know, the more you come into contact with ‘im.” 

You only hack up more bile, sniffling as snot and tears run down your face, finding it hard to breathe as you rasp into the bucket. As if purging the waste and exiling it from your body. Eventually the fit dies down, as does the pain in your neck falling to a dull throb. Noticeable, but not enough to make you want to never move again. He begins to slowly lead you out of bed, easily handling your weight as you stumble around like a newly born faun, trying not to trip over your own feet as he leads you to an ornate bathroom. A light fixture buzzes on- gold, blinding. 

Nothing was really.. Getting explained. Despite your garbled and weak protests, he helps you use the bathroom, not bothering to look away as he helps you clean up. His broad frame crowding you against the countertop as he brushes your teeth, holding your stare as he does so. Smile widening as he makes you squeak, one hand spread across your jugular, the other making your eyes flutter around as he scrubs at your tongue and teeth, choking on the bristles when he goes back too far. 

And when he brings your befuddled form back to what you can now see is a bedroom of sorts- also grand, embellished. Larger than what anything you’ve seen before- than what you felt you deserved: it was easy to think you’re in Castle Waterdeep or Dragonspear Castle. Tucked away and brought to a place far above where a person of your status should be, somewhere that should’ve been inaccessible. During all this you try to talk to the man as he dragged you to one of the wardrobes; the questions you ask never getting a real answer- always something cryptic that you couldn't digest properly. Honestly it felt like riddles, like he was trying to imitate a sphinx- purposefully being cryptic to mess with your head further. 

“I- I can dress.. myself.” He only shushes you like you were some sort of fussy child, as if you didn’t know any better yet. Maneuvering you as he pleases, dressing you in a long, drapey gown, embroidered with gold, layers upon layers. Unashamedly pawing at skin, hands lingering far too long to be considered ‘gentlemanly’, squeezing as he pleases. You were dressed and adorned like some sort of lady of high nobility, extravagant jewelry hanging from your neck, from your wrists- loud and noisy, like a bell going off saying ‘here I am!’ every time you moved.

“You wan’ breakfast, hen?” His voice was a low murmur, nose rubbing against your neck absentmindedly, hands trailing down the long sleeves to your hands, interlacing the fingers together. “Of course ye do, you’ve been out cold fer a week.” He moves your hands to your stomach, chin hooking into place on your shoulder, body towering over yours. The bracelets chime in response. 

This..must’ve been some sort of fever dream.. Right? What was happening? Why was he here with you- so many ‘whys’, and yet no answer seems to be greeting you. Maybe this was the feywild, and you’ve fallen under a charm; perhaps this is just an odd hallucination. Or maybe.. The afterlife? The fugue plane, somewhere within the City of Judgement, waiting to be taken to the Crystal Spire, my soul to be judged and appraised by Kelemvor. 

There was only one reasonable conclusion- one that made sense considering you’d saw him all those years ago after the incident, like a grim reaper ready to claim its prize or like a devil scoping out its next contract- “Are you a Baatezu?” It was a mere mumble, and he huffs out a laugh, tightening his grip on you for a brief moment, before letting go and spinning you towards him. 

“Do I look like a devil to ye?” He muses, eyes filled with amusement. As if the thought of him being from the Nine Hells was humorous. He continues to smile despite your clear hesitance- so warm as it carves lines into his cheeks, his eyes crinkling. It felt so genuine; hospitable and welcoming that you almost had a hard time imagining him being a bad guy. This all must’ve been some big miscommunication right? Something got lost in translation; he.. He’s helped you. There’s a roof over your head, he has kept you alive for the past supposed- he hasn’t necessarily harmed you right? Kissed you sure- but he was just.. Giving you water. Johnny.. is just a bit too touchy for your liking, but harmless, you think- like an overzealous dog with too much energy to go around. 

“Well, maybe- I..” Your neck throbs as you eye him apprehensively, and then the same gaze drifts down to the bracelets donning your wrists, experimentally flexing your fingers, hearing the metals cling against each-other as your wrists move. “..I just.. I’m not dead?” That sparks a laugh out of him, a full bodied one that makes your ears burn with embarrassment, faltering as you start to backtrack. “I- Well- I only meant-” 

“I ken, I ken- I know what ye meant. It’s scary for ye, isn’t tha’ right? A new place. But yer here now, okay?” He interrupts you off gently, reassuring you through your clear apprehension, as he starts to herd your body towards the door. A shepherd leading a lamb, blindly to whatever fate waits them. 

A grandiose hallway greets you, one side being doors, the other sprawling windows: the views simply breathtaking. The scenery is enough to momentarily distract you from the situation- offering a brief moment of solace. Endless rolling hills stretch as far as the eye could see, adorned with a vibrant tapestry of flowers in every hue of the rainbow. The sunlight shines brightly over the landscape; casting a sort of glow over it that makes it seem like one of those places straight out of a fairytale- like something only seen in a book. It was enough to make your steps falter and Johnny accounts for the movement, or lack thereof, slowing to a halt as he too peers out the scenery beyond the panes.

“Oh it’s.. Beautiful.. But where exactly is ‘here’?” 

“I know it is. What’da see hen?” He asks instead- voice hushed as if afraid he’d break the atmosphere, no longer looking outside but at you instead.

Your mouth opens and then closes, and you gesture outwardly with your arm, one of the bangles glinting in the light. Your eyebrows furrow as a sudden realization hits you, wasn’t it almost Midwinter? “Well..  well there’s flowers I-.. in Midwinter. And the sun.. I- Are we even along the Sword Coast? Or..” You try to pick your brain, thinking, unsure. You were in Faerûn, right? Your stomach twists, swallowing down the bile- forcing a smile on your lips. He saved you, you repeat, unsure if you were just trying to convince yourself at this point or not. Making it easier that way- not wanting to confront the truth. “Maybe up at the Dalelands?”

He makes a sort of noncommittal hum, and as you twist your head to look up at him, he nods. His gaze travels to the window once more, almost melancholic, before his jaw clenches and then he looks back at you with a smile, just a little bit tighter than before. “Yeah. Now how ‘bout a wee bit of breakfast, hm?”

More questions add to the ever expanding stack as you walk alongside him. The marble feels borderline warm beneath your bare feet as he leads you down to a pair of doors, and upon entering it was large, with a sprawling table: fit for a small country it seemed. What must’ve been a hundred chairs lined the grand hall. The ceiling soars high above, reminiscent of a cathedral back in the city, adorned with oversized chandeliers that seem to dwarf any you’ve seen before. The crystals catch the light from the rose window, creating a mesmerizing display of refracted colors that seem to dance along the wooden surfaces. It looked like a place for Gods to dine in- or a king or queen; not you. You used to be of nobility, sure, but that lifestyle had died and the title with it all those years ago. Practically living as a commoner for the past five years rather than someone of high class, and well, you certainly didn’t belong here, despite being dressed in the part to be. Out of touch and way out of your element. 

Johnny escorts you to the table, making a point to sit you down next to the chair at the end of the table. The elf sort of hesitates, eyes glancing at the floor next to the chair before making his place known across from you. He makes some sort of gesture- and mute, placid faces approach- seemingly out of the dark recesses of the room as they start to work around the table efficiently. No words were exchanged, solely focused on the singular task at hand- not even stopping when you’d ask what was being served. 

“Naw bonnie, you’ll like it- made sure they knew to get all yer favorites.” Johnny starts to eat, devouring the meal with such gusto as if he hadn’t had a morsel in days- his words not fully registering in your mind. But as soon as they do it’s all you hear. They play like a broken record, causing you to stiffen, the room spinning as your gaze travels down to your plate. Lo and behold- there it all was all laid out before you. Your gaze travels from item to item- a sense of unease creeping up on you- everything you loved is there, down to the little honeycakes your mother used to make, decorated with powdered sugar and frosting swirled on top.  

Your hands firmly clasp one over the other, biting down on your lip harshly, the wound on the back of your neck beginning to tingle. “I’m not hungry.” 

“Of course ye are.” He remarks dismissively, mouth full of food. “Just open yer bonnie mouth and eat. Unless ye need me tae feed you?” 

It might have been a joke- but his heavy gaze was anything but funny. Swallowing thickly, you shake your head. Hunger does gnaw at your stomach, but at this point you think you might be sick again. “Are we in the feywild?” His fork drops, and you hold your gaze on the table before raising it to meet his. His eyes seemed darker- the shadows more prominent, but maybe it was just a trick of the light. 

“Naw why’re you continuing on and on and on. I told ye-” Johnny’s eyebrows furrow as he scowls, like he was reprimanding an unruly pet, looking annoyed in every sense of the word. “-Ye were safe now, and yet you’re tryin’ tae make it seem like ah’m the bad guy here. Dae ye wan’ to make ‘im mad? Cause’ ye won’ like ‘im for a welcoming party. I’ve been so nice to ye. I’m the one here-” His voice was growing louder, starting to look angry more than sad- looking one moment away from going across the table. Blue eyes wide, nails digging into the wood grooves of the table, scratching little crescent shaped indents into them. “Ah’m the one whose gone through all the trouble cause i’d knew ye’d be perfect and now all ‘m seeing is an ungrateful little-”

He recoils slightly, as if suddenly choked and he coughs, face contorting in dismay. His complexion drains of color, betraying his unease and he gulps hard. You shift uncomfortably, a grimace of your own painting your features- too much happening at once to properly digest what was being said. Only the fact that you needed to get out and leave. He tilts his head, muttering something in a language- Elvish, you think, before he picks up his fork, stabbing a piece of meat with more force than necessary. “Naw, ‘m sorry bonnie, didn’t mean to scare ye.” He apologizes, gaze meeting yours with a pitiful attempt at reassurance, though his smile seems strained. Trying to calm you down, if you were to take a guess. But his teeth were just a bit too sharp- eyes too wild, reminding you that at the end of the day he was a stranger, one that was easily set off at the slightest bit of provocation it seemed. Admitting it to yourself was only inevitable despite how you were trying to make excuses: you could banter back and forth endlessly, but he abducted you. ..You think. The logistics aren’t fully there. Saved you from certain death sure- thinking back to the fuzzy memories on the mountain, the ritual that yielded no results. But if feigning cooperation for now meant finding an opportunity to go back home then so be it.

“It’s alright.” You utter, though the sentiment was far from genuine. Yet his face seemed to light up at the words, seemingly oblivious to your lack of sincerity. Accepting it at face value. You reluctantly pick up the fork, his keen gaze fixed upon you as you force yourself to take a bite of the food. “Oh this is delightful.” You lie, a weak attempt to mend the fractured atmosphere. The falsehood tastes as bitter and lifeless as the food in your mouth.

He beams, looking like the incarnate of the sun- seeming to light up the room. “Ah’m glad you think so. Had the chefs making food every day, till’ you woke up. Took yer sweet time though huh? Like our own precious sleeping beauty you were- a bonnie thing.” He winks when he meets your gaze again, and you gulp hard- cheeks hurting from how hard you were trying to keep your smile afloat. And like a ship in a storm, its hull damaged- filling with water, trying to make it to shore. It’s only a matter of time before it sinks.

This time though- you weren’t stupid; you caught the word. The fork mindlessly pushing around food comes to a pause, poking at the bear. “Hey how’d you find me anyway? There was a blizzard.”

“Donnae matter, does it? Yer here now, safe.” He reaches out with another plate of the honeycakes, and you eye the sickly sweet glaze cascading down onto the plate. And vaguely you’re brought back to the present- feeling a bit like a fly caught in a vat of syrup or amber. Stuck. 

“I want a real answer.”

“And I gave ye one- now what’s the problem hen? I haven’t mistreated ye have I?” His tone sharpens, and you unwittingly deepen your own predicament. Digging your grave- shoveling out another foot of dirt every time you open your mouth- maybe he’ll do you the courtesy of taking you to where your family was buried when he kills you. Your throat constricts, watching as his grip around the plate tightens. 

“That’s not the point. I- I want to go home.”

In a sudden, jerky movement he rises out of his chair, and you hastily follow suit, stumbling over the hem of your dress, eyes wide. Your jewelry clanking loudly as he maneuvers around the table, looking like bull with far too much energy- “Naw, what did I jus’ say?” He snarls, advancing with two strides forwards for every one step back you make. His words tumble out almost incoherently, hands gesturing erratically as he closes in on you, running his fingers through his hair in agitation. Spittle flying and landing on your cheek in his fervor. “This whole place was designed with ye in mind- and ye want to go home? To where huh? Where is yer home- tell me hen.” 

Your mouth opens and then closes, words stammering, taking a hesitant step back and he only follows, encroaching in your space. His hands linger near you, but refrains from grabbing you- instead choosing to grip the chair next to him. “I want you tae tell me where’d ye go.” He finally breathes out, chest falling and rising with huff, nostrils flaring as he stares down at you. A long bang resounds through the room as his fist hits the table- and at your startled reaction his lips stretch into a grin at your silence- swallowing thickly as your eyes dart around like a stuck rabbit. “Tha’s right, ye don’ know do yah bonnie? Las’ five years you’ve been following tha’ little list down right to the last T, getting far far awae from that shithole you called home.” 

Your pulse seems to falter, arteries constricting, the flow of blood in your veins slowing to a near standstill, as if coagulating with fear, and ultimately slowing to a halt. Every nerve in your body tingles with dread, every sound feeling amplified. The air feels heavy, suffocating, as if pressing down on your chest, making it hard to draw in a full breath. It only made sense that he knew about it, I mean he was the one that gave the list to you- but the implication of how he’s been watching you– you struggle to steady your trembling limbs and calm the racing thoughts in your mind. The unbridled urge to run arises.

 “I- I don’t-”

“You don’t- You don’t what? Ye don’ know what ahm talkin’ about hen? Tha’ what yer trying tae tell me?” He mocks, head tilting- taking advantage of the way you stumble for something to say. He leans further into your personal bubble, leering down at you. 

“Stay back.” You manage in a shaky gasp stumbling backwards as you hold your hands out in front of you. 

“What’s the problem?” His laugh seems to echo around the room, and he follows you, blue eyes wide and unblinking- “It’s fate. This is where ye were meant to be- Here with us-”

“Stay away from me!” There was another word spoken- one foreign to your lips but not to his- and his eyes widened, unable to do anything in time as embers spark in the air. A rush of something equally foreign and unnerving washes over you as it leaves your tongue, like a sudden wave crashing upon a shore. The feeling was indescribable- the sense of connection thrumming through your very being; as if awakening something long dormant in you- untapped potential. Something hot- embers?- begins to manifest, a sense of otherworldly energy fills the air, crackling with a palpable intensity. A surge of heat wells up inside of you, building up to a crescendo as thin sheets of flame bursts out of your fingertips, and he barely has a second to drop before the torrent of searing heat engulfs everything above him. The heat is intense, blistering hot, and the smell of singed air fills your nostrils. Burnt meat and honey was there- charred, smokey, slightly sweet.

You can only stare dumbfounded- looking down at your hands and then at the aftermath, stumbling back. You throw a hand to your mouth, still warm from the unexpected surge of power- stomach rolling with unease. What? How did you- How was this possible– Johnny looks equally surprised- his face flushed, tilting his head back to look at the burnt wood and then back at your stunned form. His eyes fall half-lidded, making a movement to rise, expression twisting into something you can’t quite put your finger on, lips tugging into a grin. You don’t wait to try and decipher what he was thinking, instinctively turning and fleeing- heart pounding in your chest.

Gathering up your dress to the best of your ability- you turn pivot on your heel and sprint away, the clatter of your jewelry like a warning bell with each frantic step. It felt like the jewelry were more cursed collars and shackles the more you think of it, each jangle announcing your presence to anyone who might be listening. You burst out of the dining room, tearing down the hallway from which you came- desperate for escape, gasping for breath as panic tightens its grip around your throat. Sentences come to mind- each one stirring conflicting feelings.

‘The ritual would give you great power.’

‘It would provide you strength.’

‘Protection for yourself.’

You continue to flee as fast as your unsteady legs can carry you, though your pace hardly qualifies as swift, your wobbly strides barely enough to keep you upright. The hallway seems to warp and narrow before your eyes, blurring with each frantic blink. “Bonnie!” His voice echoes out loudly behind you and you only hobble along faster. Like a faun trying to outrun a predator, each step a scramble for safety. 

The sound of his pursuit fades gradually until it suddenly ceases, leaving you to wonder as you steal a glance backwards, only to see Johnny faltering in his step- expression looking almost reverent. Dare you say almost excited- dazed, and then your attention snaps back to the present as you collide with something unexpectedly soft- a wall that shouldn’t have been there. And you don’t remember there being anything necessarily obstructing in the hallway. 

The impact leaves you stunned- a buzzing in your head becoming known before swiftly dissipating as if it was never there. Your eyes drift up, up, up- and towering above you is the tallest, broadest man you’ve ever encountered. Crossing eyes with death itself- you find yourself entranced. It was fitting, with a skull over his face- skin pale as a ghost- terrifying. They say eyes are the window to the soul. So what kind of soul would it be when the eyes you were staring at were a deep abyss- as tainted as his seemed to be? Dark pools of tiger’s eye, mali garnet, topaz, amber- dravite tourmaline. Clouded and hardened by something you couldn’t quite understand- and you recoil, all but shoving yourself off of the imposing figure. His hands twitch in response, tilting his head down at you.

“I- ‘m sorry.” You almost instinctively skitter back a few feet, jewelry jingling noisily in the tense silence. 

“Johnny causin’ you trouble?” Though sounding much more human compared to before, the gruff familiarity of his voice is not lost on you and you’re brought back to a cold mountain- a warm touch, a promise. Your neck burns, eyes squeezing shut before you hesitantly raise them back to the broad expanse of his chest. You force yourself to give some sort of indication that you heard him, trembling before the being in front of you- shaking your head curtly- hands scrunching up your dress in a tight grip.

His dark eyes look down at you, and not even looking up at him, the weight of his stare was heavy.. you’ve never felt so small in your life, unable to muster the courage nor the willpower to look him in the face again. Not wanting to see death personified glaring back at you. It wasn’t too often you’ve pondered your existence in life but in this monster’s presence you’ve found yourself contemplating it more often than not. And with that, it was painstakingly easy to realize how absolutely inferior you were to him.

Throughout your life, you at least knew of your place in the world you lived. A human, where you wish you could’ve had the chance to be born as a half-orc, at least then you’d be strong. Or an aasimar, maybe then you’d be able to live up properly to others expectations and be worthy of something- take up an oath and be a paladin or a cleric, being able to properly protect those closest to you. No.. you know you are. Though making up a large majority of the population, it was easy to forget that sometimes. You.. were you. Plain. Unordinary. You don’t hear of humans winning in wars or becoming rulers. You don’t hear tales of humans doing all this- no. You hear tales of dragons soaring through the skies. Of a whole life surrounded by beings who were just.. Ascended from bloodlines so much more interesting than yours. Hell, this is why you’ve spent years of your life looking for something to give you that power. To make you special. And now that you had it.. It was weird. 

So it honestly wasn’t too hard to describe how you thought he was looking at you; how you thought he viewed you. What you imagined his expression to look like, had you actually looked back at him: Like an executioner with one hand on the lever to drop the floor beneath you, to have the rope tighten around your neck. Like a butcher as their cleaver comes swinging down towards a cow’s neck, ready to provide a merciful death or prolonging its misery. A falcon ready to swoop down for its next meal. Or a boot as it comes down on an ant whether or not to squash it out of existence. Like a wolf ready to shut its maws around you and shake until you’ve gone limp in its grasp. Compliant. Lifeless. 

But instead your gaze was planted firmly on the pristine marble, bottom lip quivering as you blink slowly, vision blurring and turning the sharp edges fuzzy. Cotton filling your ears, sounds becoming muffled, save for the steady rapidfire pulse resounding through your head. This was the protection that was promised- this was the life that you wanted right? So what was this overwhelming pressure being in his presence? This was who you summoned- you think. Ultimately, it felt like broken promises, shattered ideals- forced to live in what reality you had conjured up for yourself. No- you could tell now that this is what you had called for- what you had asked for was a fiend- no an eldritch being, maybe a God? God might be too pure of a word for him- the devil was more akin to what you’d imagine him being. There was no mistaking it; there was no wolf in sheep’s clothing. No, he knew what he was. He was confident in it even. A predator. 

It felt like the space was closing in, the long hallway forcing the pair of you to be in close proximity- a sort of draw, a leash if you would. Taking another step back was a thought, a good one really- except for the fact that the shadows seemed to slink forwards, grasping at the soles of your feet, rising up your calves and grounding you in place, chaining you down. The mere idea of trying to move away from him was a mistake in itself.

There was a momentary lapse in time as this happened, and then immediately your breath catches in your throat as the back of your neck burns as if ignited. Sending jolts of pure energy into your flesh, dark magic swirling around the air that your untrained eyes couldn’t see, but your body could certainly feel the effects of. The power that exudes off his very being. Knees crumpling to the ground beneath you, not given the right to stand, to even be at some sort of the same level as him. Flesh crawling, skin rippling- that morning’s breakfast threatening to come up, tasting the acidic taste on your tongue- bitter and pungent.

Cold sweat drips down your temple as you rasp for air at his feet, falling to all fours as each breath feels like it might be the last. Tremors run down your spine, shaking as you urge your muscles to move to no avail. Society talks of fight or flight, but always seems to forget the most common one: freeze. “Pl— ease.” Trying to get out the words; trying to beg, trying to get him to understand, not even knowing if he’d even care to give what you had to say a moment of his time. Of his consideration. Asking to be let go, to leave- for mercy- it was difficult to place what you had wanted in that moment. You were just a human and he was something beyond your comprehension.

 You didn’t realize he had dropped to a crouch, cold fingers brushing over the raised skin with a deep rumble: a hum, it was hard to decipher. You flinch anyway. His nail traces over the freshly acquired wound, drawing a low whimper out of your throat as he just kept petting and prodding- as if wanting the pain to be a reminder. 

A pause.

Maybe two.

“Settle, little bird.” Another choked sob rips out of your throat- wet and sticky with phlegm, eyes squeezing shut as his hand- calloused, large- dips down, cupping your jaw and raising you to meet his eyes, though you refuse to open them. He didn’t sound angry, at least not outright. It somehow felt worse to hear a lilt of disappointment brushes along his tone, and it causes more tears to fall. Upon the realization that you weren’t going to open your eyes, his hand moves to your cheeks, squishing them together and making your mouth into a little ‘o’ shape. “Gave you a chance and you’d rather run than stay ‘ere under my protection.” His grip tightens, and this time you don’t dare to open your eyes, afraid to see the beast mere inches from you. His breath fans across your face- surprisingly warm. “Do I have to provide a reminder that you’re mine, hm? Is that it? Have you already forgotten who was providing you a new life?”  

“N-No-” His grip tightens further, cutting you off what you had to say. It’s a familiar sensation, one that’s become far too common lately. 

“Wasn’t a question.” His low voice rumbles, and you whimper- footsteps approaching that you now recognize as Johnny’s. His thumb brushes over your bottom lip, prodding at the space he had created- and you grit your teeth, a defiant response that causes him to click his tongue at your actions. Your neck sparks with more pain before you unhinge your jaw and the sensation fades. He hums thoughtfully. “It’s alright though, you didn’t know any better, Johnny wasn’t treating you right huh?”

“That’s naw true sir- she’s just upset cause she wants tae go home-” 

“I wasn’t asking you.” The pad of his thumb rubs along your teeth, and he removes his fingers, grasping your chin and jerking your head upwards. There was a sort of whine behind you, and you gulp hard. “You were just scared weren’t ya? You wanted the devil you summoned to be the first thing you saw when you woke up?” His words, though blunt, strike a nerve that makes you cringe- nose scrunching up as more tears fall. “It’s all right now- pretty little bird is just confused and lost. Isn’t tha’ right?” 

His words cause you to peer open your eyes hesitantly, dark pools staring down at you. Your gaze drops to the hand holding your head, which then trails up to a pale arm, decorated with what seemed to be swirling black ink- symbols and hieroglyphs of things you didn’t quite recognize. You sniffle, shrugging unsurely- and he coos, fingers lifting up one of the many necklaces, looking down at one of the shining jewels with a smile on his scarred lips. He lifts the gem so it is within eyesight; green glittering in the light. Emerald.

He lets it fall back against your skin, a deep sigh leaving his lips- “I should’ve been there when you woke up, ‘s all my fault really.” The warm light from the outside seems to grow even warmer, the colors in the hallway shifting to shades of red- darker and darker. “Wouldn't have let you leave that room if i’d known you be such a fussy girl.” 

“No- That’s- that’s not–” Your facial expression crumples, hands jutting out in front of you- repeating the same word from before. Only this time.. No embers shootout- nothing. Not even a hint of well, anything happens. Johnny takes a step closer, hovering. Waiting.

The man- the devil- chuckles- a low rumble. “You think i’d let you use my own magic against me? Don’t be daft- did being up in the cold make you lose all sense?” He breathes in deeply, guiding you up to your feet- and your eyes catch to the outside, choking back a sob at the vastly different change of scenery. The sky was a crimson, an artificial moon casting an eerie glow over the ground below. What seemed like flowers had morphed into some sort of city- a labyrinthine structure sprawling beneath from how high up you were. In the distance seemed to be volcanoes- billowing smoke, threatening to erupt, and you feel your legs start to give beneath you- as you let out a garbled gasp, eyes wide. He only steadies you, wrapping an arm around your back and pulling you to his chest. “You just need a reminder that you’re gonna be loved now, isn’t that right? That this is where you’re gonna be from now on. It’s okay, Johnny and I will give you one, yes?” One of his fingers tugs at the corner of your lip, coaxing a smile, “Smile. You’re home now.”

#cod mw2 #cod x reader #call of duty #dnd!141 #patron!ghost #warlock!soap #flesh and bone #dnd!au #ghoap x reader #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x reader #john soap mactavish #john soap mactavish x reader #ghost x reader #soap x reader

[roidepoison]

Reo Mikage is Actually Great BPD Representation- Some Thoughts

So I had the extremely unfortunate experience of being exposed to Blue Lock (unfortunate because it's all my tiny pea brain can think about now), and while it is absolutely full of silly guys whose brains I want to pick, this little bugger really stood out to me. The second he came onto the screen, I KNEW I smelled the borderline on him. As I watched the series and read the manga, I noticed he is actually an incredibly well-written depiction of someone struggling with BPD. Reo is a super layered character and my favorite hobby is picking apart those layers and yapping incessantly about them, so here we are. I want to write this analysis for a few reasons:

1.) Too many people misunderstand Reo and categorize him as dramatic or childish without any elaboration and he deserves a proper character deep-dive. I think him being borderline explains a LOT of his reactions/choices throughout the story.

2.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I'm diagnosed borderline and have struggled with this disorder for around ten years now, so I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). This disorder can be so isolating, especially when the majority of people will never even bother to research or understand it. I know that some people like to chalk Reo's emotional reactions up to him being a moody 17-year-old, but I think I have enough evidence to prove that this is undiagnosed BPD that's festering in his noggin. Not to mention, literally nobody else acts like this in the series. Reo is incredibly unique and distinct in the way he behaves through this narrative and I think it's way past the point of normal teenage angst. Regardless, believe what you want. He'll always be my borderline princess tho <3

3.) I have a master's degree in English and what good is that if I don't write long, painful, pointless essays on anime guys? Not that this is exceptionally well written, I just like to laugh at myself for getting a whole M.A and then this is the shit I publish online lmao

By the end of this, I hope I can shed some light on wtf is going on inside of Reo's silly little head. (I'm also obviously not a psychologist, don't use any of this to diagnose yourself pls I don't need the scandal)

If you want to read, buckle up, because this is gonna be a long one!

First, let me define BPD- It's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. At its core, it is a disorder categorized by emotional dysregulation (the inability to regulate one's emotional responses) People with BPD feel everything EXTREMELY hard. That's important to keep in mind IMO, because while their reactions may seem dramatic or extreme, what they're feeling IS dramatic and extreme. Everything they're feeling is amplified, so their reactions are amplified. Obviously from the outside, people assume it's an overreaction since they can't see what's going on inside the borderline's head. When you sit down and dissect the thought process of someone like Reo, it becomes a lot easier to understand why they react the way that they do to certain situations.

(Also, I'm not going to reiterate more than once that an explanation is not an excuse to treat people poorly. I cannot read ANYTHING on BPD without hearing every 2 minutes how the disorder isn't an excuse to hurt other people. We get it!! I'm explaining it, not excusing it. This enter essay is an analysis of why someone acts the way they do, not whether or not it's excusable)

So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Someone would only need 5 of these to receive a proper diagnosis. Just with the main story and the spin-off manga that is currently released, I think I have enough evidence to argue that Reo has 8 out of 9 criteria for a BPD diagnosis. For the sake of organization, I’m gonna group some of those together though, indicated by a + symbol. I also want to define a few important terms before I start yapping, so that y'all without BPD can understand wtf I'm even talking about.

Favorite Person (fp) - This is someone who holds massive significance in a borderline's life. They emotionally depend on this person a lot and to a certain extent, their worldview almost revolves around them.

Splitting- the change in perception of someone or something caused by black-or-white thinking or dichotomous thinking. It is the devaluation of someone who was once idealized and vice versa.

Mirroring (aka: the chameleon effect)- the constant, unconscious change in one's identity or sense of self by imitating another person’s behaviors, characteristics, or traits. It is common in people who have a vacant or distorted self-image which is a general symptom of BPD.

Now, time for me to break down the most prominent moments where Reo showcases borderline behavior. As I mentioned, I'm going to try and organize this under each criteria point (with some being grouped together)

Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self:

Before I delve into Reo's relationships, I want to start with his baseline sense of identity. It’s established early on that Reo is a very bored, empty, unsatisfied person. Nothing excites him, nothing motivates him, and everything is handed to him. He’s frustrated because his parents notoriously try and buy his affection even though he doesn't want anything. For most of his life up until the narrative starts, he's wandering through life empty and frustrated. That is, until he finally sets his sights on soccer and decides to dedicate his life to winning the World Cup:

The wording, 'proves my existence' is interesting here. I think this is the first instance Reo has felt alive. So far, the only notable thing about him has been his family and his money. He hasn't achieved anything exceptional for himself, but now he has that opportunity. With this goal, he can really build something up from nothing and make it his own. It's almost like he's clinging to this dream to prove that he has some purpose in his life other than being the family heir.

Now, this dream changes when he meets Nagi, of course. I'm not gonna focus too much on their relationship in this section, but I will mention that meeting Nagi shifted Reo's entire dream, and not for the better. Through the narrative, his dream went from:

Winning the World Cup

Winning the World Cup with Nagi

Proving to Nagi that leaving him behind was a mistake

Improving himself and becoming a good striker on his own

Being a tool for Nagi to become the best striker

Had Nagi not come in and ask for Reo to come back to him, I think Reo could have done a great job at establishing his own sense of identity without Nagi. But no matter how much he works on himself, with Nagi in the picture, he's never going to value himself more than Nagi. Reo lets Nagi cloud his identity to the point where Isagi calls him out and asks what he's even doing at Blue Lock in the first place, since he clearly can't survive on his own, he needs Nagi with him.

After dealing with the turmoil of being abandoned by Nagi, Reo goes through a few stages. He starts with wanting to become somebody worthy of being beside Nagi, somebody that Nagi would want to choose. Devoting himself to becoming stronger and more versatile, his end goal is to have Nagi realize he made a mistake by leaving him behind. After a few more matches, Reo starts to realize that he needs to grow and change and become a stronger, better version of himself for himself and not for other people.

He decides that the fight was all his fault to begin with, that he should have never forced Nagi to play soccer and now he is going to get back to what his dream was originally, combined with his new desire to be a stand-alone player (and person, for that matter). Reo accepts the mistakes that he made, admits that he shouldn't have forced his ideals onto Nagi, and resolves to become a better person for HIMSELF. That's excellent!

Of course, Reo can't be happy for TOO long. Nagi comes out of the woodwork saying that he can't beat Isagi on his own and asks for Reo's help. Reo does stand up for himself a bit, saying that Nagi is being inconsiderate of his feelings and mentioning how long it took for him to recover from Nagi leaving. Now, the BPD trait here is how Reo not only forgives Nagi and is jumping on him and hugging him THE NEXT PAGE, but he also just disregards everything he said in this sequence. In a matter of two minutes, he no longer wants to be a player that can fight on his own or improve for himself, he wants to improve for Nagi. He starts ruminating again about how hurt he was when Nagi left, but now he's saying all of it wasn't so that he could get stronger individually, it was so that he could be reunited with Nagi again. Nagi asking for his help and saying that now they can play together again motivate Reo more than anything we've seen so far. (Nagi notoriously throws Reo little affection crumbs like this that Reo eats up, but I'm not trying focus on that) Now, Reo's alright with being a tool for Nagi's success again. Everything that happened was supposed to make him stronger so he could be a better partner to Nagi, right? Reo also says as the chapter ends, to please let him be a part of Nagi's dream until Nagi becomes the world's best striker. That's literally so sad!

He's also immediately back to the 'our' 'we' 'us' talk as well. If he can master his chameleon style in order to keep Nagi above the rest of the players, he wont get left behind again. If he devotes his time and energy into being a solo striker like the rest of these guys, Reo knows that he wont be able to keep up. This was always supposed to be his role, right? Building Nagi up to his full potential! :*)

I also like the detail that Reo is back to hugging Nagi and holding him, but Nagi never really touches him back. I think Reo's love language is touch for sure, not that it's incredibly relevant, but I do think it shows that Reo is back to being 100% comfortable around Nagi as if their fight never happened. I hear a lot of fans asking how Reo could have forgiven Nagi so easily, and I say this with my entire chest, it's the BPD. The black-and-white thinking combined with Nagi being Reo's fp and the excruciating pain of being abandoned by him in the first place ?? Of course he's going to take him back. Also, I've seen people blame Reo for not saying no to Nagi when he asks for help and I have to say that is an absolutely insane take. How are we gonna look at a panel where Nagi asks for help and then blame Reo for helping him?? I'm not going to focus on it too much in this post but in my opinion, it is crazy how little accountability both the narrative + fans give Nagi. Reo is pegged as responsible for both of their downfalls and it's nuts tbh.

Currently in the story, I think Reo's identity is still centered around Nagi. It's really easy for borderlines to structure their entire lives and personalities around their favorite person, but I can only hope that these two keep having open and honest discussions with one another. Hopefully, Reo will eventually learn that he can exist without Nagi and that he's more than just 'his arms and legs'.

Unstable or Changing Relationships:

The most notable relationship in Reo's life is Nagi. They're both each other's first real friends, which already sets up a less-than-ideal dynamic. Nagi has no idea how to communicate and he has pretty weak emotional intelligence. On the other hand, Reo is great at communicating, but he isn't used to regulating his emotions. For a lot of borderlines, they can go a very long time without experiencing any symptoms when they don't have a favorite person. When you think about it, the bulk of the disorder is shown through those interactions with other people. If Reo has never had a real friend in his life, I don't think he'd be used to the emotional turmoil that comes with having a fp.

The minute Reo meets Nagi, he's attached. All his classmates notice it, too. They question why Reo is suddenly so obsessed with this random kid who has no interest in him. Reo is ignoring everybody that isnt Nagi.

Very quickly, Reo boils down his view of the world to being him and Nagi versus everybody else, and he makes that very clear. It also depicts something that I think is incredibly crucial to Reo’s character that a lot of people overlook; as Nagi develops to be Reo’s favorite person, Reo’s dream isnt ‘playing soccer’ anymore. It’s Nagi. It’s being with Nagi, playing soccer with Nagi, being useful to Nagi, taking care of Nagi, and being somebody important to Nagi. He doesnt teach Nagi the rules or how to actually play, he teaches Nagi how to play with him. He literally re-writes and re-structures the game so that it can center around him and Nagi. Nagi calls him out on this in the spin-off manga:

Reo doesnt care about the structure of the game, he cares about Nagi. The other people on the field don't matter. The other team doesn't matter. He also starts to unknowingly put Nagi up on a pedestal, which is another borderline trait. He starts reiterating that Nagi is special, he's different from everybody else, he's destined to achieve great things. The more he raises Nagi up, the more he isolates the two of them in his mind, reiterating the idea that it's them against everybody else. His language reflects this too: Reo exclusively talks with 'us' 'we' 'our', insinuating that they're going to do everything together.

When Ego says that there can't be two winners, Reo says that he'll make Nagi the best striker. His 'ego' will be making Nagi successful. Along with putting Nagi on this pedestal, Reo also very early on establishes the fact that he'd pick Nagi over himself any day of the week. He's the only person in Blue Lock who really couldn't care less about becoming a striker himself: his dream is to be a tool in Nagi's success. Or, in simpler terms, he wants to be useful and make Nagi happy.

These two were in trouble from the very beginning. Nagi is lazy as all hell, has 0 motivation to do anything, and his dream is to live a life of luxury and never have to work. Reo, being the borderline baddie that he is, is more than happy to do EVERYTHING for Nagi. Borderlines love extremely hard! It's one of our best traits and I think it's important to showcase that Reo is a massive sweetheart at his core. He clearly loves Nagi a lot and goes to extreme lengths to make sure he feels taken care of. To someone with BPD, NOTHING is too big of an ask for a person they love, especially if that person is their fp. I also disagree with the argument that Reo 'made' Nagi codependent. Nagi likes being taken care of, he says it all the time. If you ask me, I would actually argue that Nagi takes advantage of Reo a little bit because he knows that Reo will do anything for him. But regardless, I think that Reo starts to develop an unspoken expectation with Nagi that he'll provide him with everything he needs, and in turn, Nagi will stick around. I don't think he's doing this intentionally, nor do I think it's being done in a manipulative way. I just think that Reo has a dormant fear of being abandoned that he doesn't totally know he has yet.

It isn't just Nagi that Reo showcases having unstable relationships with, though. Zantetsu is another good example. Reo starts out disliking Zantetsu, he snaps at him a couple times, and calls him a moron more than once. He starts to warm up to him because Nagi tells him to. The favorite person has MASSIVE sway in the borderline's life. If Nagi likes someone, Reo likes them too. (This is, of course, on the condition that they aren't a threat, looking at you Isagi).

In the immediate next chapter, Reo is acting like they're all best friends. He's climbing on top of them in their big bed, saying that the three of them are gonna win their matches, being a little pookie. He goes from not liking this guy at all to considering him one of his close friends super fast. Also on the topic of Isagi, when they're making up the teams for the second selection, Nagi doesn't initially want to tell Reo that he wants Isagi on their team bc he's worried Reo will be upset. But, when he does finally say it, Reo is literally fine with it because like I said, who Nagi likes, Reo likes! On the condition that they don't replace Reo, which clearly happened soon after.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Reo also shows how he can go from loving someone to despising him very quickly. After Chigiri and Kunigami tell him to get back up in the game post-Nagi's abandonment, we can literally see the switch flip in Reo's head:

Suddenly, he hates Nagi. Nagi's a jerk who abandoned him; he never cared about him, and he threw him away. Dude literally says "Let's kill the bastards that betrayed us". This act of unintentional devaluing is called splitting. What Reo's essentially doing is going from one extreme to the other: if Nagi isn't his perfect treasure, he's the devil that broke his heart. There's no room for a grey area. The reasoning behind borderline's developing this black-and-white mindset is rooted in self-defense. If Reo devalues Nagi into being nothing more than a traitor, then he's stripping away the power that Nagi has to hurt him. If he looks at him like a rival or a villain, it's protecting him from being hurt by Nagi again.

That doesn't mean that he genuinely believes any of this, more so, he's trying to convince himself that it's true. We see that at his core, the reason he's acting like this is because he's hurt. I'll go more into it later on, but he's constantly thinking, what does Isagi have that I don't? What do I have to do in order to win Nagi back? This black-and-white thinking is an automatic self-defense mechanism that I think he's doing subconsciously. Regardless, the shifting he's doing here can cause a little whiplash, which brings me to:

Varied or random mood swings + Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights:

I can’t think of a better way to describe Reo's temperament than the wiki, so let me quote it: "Generally, he seems to feel every emotion with full force and is extremely aware of his own faults and shortcomings, which is evident in several instances of painful breakdowns shown in the spin-off manga. Due to his high emotionality, he can even get violent when he loses his temper."

Reo is characterized as being emotionally unstable. When he's happy, he's elated! When he's sad, he's miserable. There are a ton of scenes between the manga and spin-off manga that show how fast his emotions can flip, but this one was one of my personal favorites:

In this scene, Reo has developed a little scheme in the dining hall where the guys are trading their side dishes. At face value, a throwaway moment. But, I think it's worth looking at because not only does this show Reo's emotional response being triggered in an opposite, semi-extreme direction, but the root cause for the reaction was that he felt rejected by Zantetsu. In his own weird way, he's asking Zantetsu to come over and hang out with him. He's not being exceptionally clear with that message, but I can still pick up on it. "You wanna join in, don't you?" He's extending the invite, making himself vulnerable, and Zantetsu shoots him down by saying nah, I'm fine with my noodles. Reo JUMPS on him like YOU KNOW WHAT? I TOOK THAT PERSONALLY! lol. Jokes aside, I think this moment is a great one to argue Reo's BPD tendencies because it's such a seemingly mundane interaction. Even Zantetsu is surprised by Reo's random outburst. This also sets up the fact that one of Reo's most obvious triggers is being rejected/abandoned/betrayed, an extremely common one between those of us with BPD.

Other instances of Reo having a bad temper are a lot more obvious. In the match against teams V and Z, Reo straight up elbows Raichi in the throat, and then tries to go throw hands with Kuon for hurting Nagi. He only stops because if he gets into any more fights, he’ll get thrown out of the game and won't be able to play with Nagi anymore. He’s visibly pissed though and calls Team Z a joke. Hell, even Reo himself can recognize on a certain level that he can't control his emotions: they control him. They cloud his judgment and make him react in ways that he wish he didn't.

He is constantly plagued by these extreme emotional reactions that are out of his control. Not to say that people with BPD are unable to ever control their emotions, because we can! It takes time and therapy and practice though, which Reo hasn't had. His lack of regulation is also why he has such a dramatic and extreme meltdown when Nagi abandons him.

Fear of Abandonment:

Reo's biggest trigger and the cause of his inner turmoil throughout Blue Lock is his fear of abandonment. I mentioned before that I think he's had this fear dormant inside of him for a while as so many borderlines do, since he hasn't had the chance to experience it before. He alludes to it early on when they first arrive at Blue Lock:

The thought of leaving Nagi for somebody else? Reo considers that heartless. They came together, after all. They're going to win the world cup together. Nagi could break both of his legs and Reo wouldn't leave him, because again, Reo isn't there to team up with the best player and become the best striker in the world: he's there to play with Nagi!! And, like I said, in Reo's mind it's him and Nagi vs everyone else-

Reo exhibits a lot of signs early on of being jealous while they're playing in Blue Lock. I mean, as we discussed, everything should be focused around him and Nagi. When Nagi passes to Zantetsu in the team V and Y match, Reo pulls up like 'hey, why didn't you pass it to me?? ):' There are a lot of little moments like that, but Reo's jealousy is a lot more relevant to my argument after he gets abandoned by Nagi.

Let's talk about that word: abandoned. It seems dramatic, right? Reo uses that term constantly and exclusively. Every time he brings that moment up, he uses the word 'abandoned', or he'll say 'betrayed' or 'chose'. These are very definitive words. He’s not saying Nagi ditched him or flaked on him or blew him off, no; he has abandoned him. That word choice may seem disproportionate to the situation, but that's Reo's reality. This was the ultimate betrayal to him. The constant use of that vocabulary reiterates that in Reo's mind, there is no grey area. Either Nagi chooses him, or he chooses someone else. In choosing someone else, he abandons Reo. Reo is paranoid that Nagi isn't ever going to come back to him and it's because of something that Reo is lacking. How can Nagi like Isagi more than him, anyway?

Now, I do fault Nagi a bit for not communicating better at that moment. I understand that he's bad at communication, but I don't think Reo could have been more obviously upset if he tried. The dude was in TEARS. Nagi saw him devastated and then expected everything to be fine when he met him in the bathhouse? Idk. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't realize it would upset Reo to such an extreme: maybe he thought that they would miss each other, but Reo wouldn't take it personally. I'm doing my best not to harp on Nagi since this is about Reo.

Abandonment is detrimental to people with BPD. It causes extreme inner turmoil that we see with Reo as the story progresses because it is the only thing he can think about. If he isn't trying to cover up his hurt feelings with this idea of revenge, he's self-destructing over being abandoned. He becomes obsessed with wondering why Nagi chose Isagi over him. Was there something wrong with him? Isagi isn't that impressive, why would Nagi rather be with him? These thoughts torture him endlessly and fuel his desire to 'steal' Nagi back. He literally says to Isagi, that he's going to steal Nagi back. Much to his dismay though, Reo starts to notice that Isagi is bringing out some positive traits in Nagi. Nagi's entire vibe is different with Isagi. Nagi is having fun playing soccer without Reo. In fact, he's having more fun. He's making plays he's never made before. His face is visibly different; he's more excited than before.

This is heartbreaking for Reo. Not only was he right that Isagi did have something to offer Nagi that he couldn't, but Reo is having a massive self-hate spiral during this point as well, so he's internalizing all of his flaws and mistakes while the thought is sitting in the back of his head: did Nagi actually have a good reason for abandoning me? Was I not enough to satisfy him? Did I only drag him down? This gets significantly worse the longer he watches Nagi and Isagi play:

Everything is falling apart. Nagi is doing completely fine without Reo, and Reo is an absolute mess. We're circling back to Reo's lack of identity here as well. He's watching firsthand that he's losing Nagi to Isagi: what does he do? What happens to him if he loses Nagi, who is he without Nagi? He's overwhelmed during this match and at one point Reo literally screams that he's going to tear apart their connection. Jealousy is consuming him, but it's also those feelings of inferiority and wondering if he really did deserve to be abandoned. If Nagi is so happy without him, maybe he really did have a reason. These are the thoughts that are circling around in Reo's head. Not to mention, he is constantly tortured by the flashbacks of Nagi leaving him, which I think is a great detail. Some readers might say it's just pointless recapping but I disagree, I think it's depicting how traumatic that was for Reo. As a borderline, being abandoned by your fp IS traumatic. Reo relives that moment so many times because so many things trigger it for him throughout Blue Lock. He can't even look at Chigiri and Kunigami without thinking about him and Nagi. It's a really devastating experience that quickly deteriorates him emotionally.

Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness + Suicidal behavior or self-injury:

One of my favorite things about Reo is the fact that he is self-aware that he's behaving somewhat irrationally, but he doesn't know how to stop. When we look at one of the several times that Reo is curled up crying over Nagi, he mentions how he really did want to tell Nagi to go and have fun, but he didn't. He couldn't. The visuals shift for this too:

Reo doesnt want to be acting this way, but he can't help it, and that's frustrating to him. It makes him start feeling ashamed of himself. His inner thoughts start to spiral and he feels weak and alone. He's reflecting here on what his true feelings really were at that moment, and how scared and lonely and weak he felt as a result of Nagi leaving him behind.

These feelings quickly evolve into Reo feeling worthless and falling into bouts of self-hatred. He's so ashamed of the way he's feeling and behaving but it feels so out of his control. He says, "maybe if I hadn't gone to Blue Lock in the first place, I wouldn't have to experience this feeling." As I said before, borderline's feel things EXTREMELY intensely; the disorder is described as living with third-degree burns all over your body. Everything hurts. His feelings are so intense and all-consuming right now, it's all he can think about:

I saw some posts in the fandom reddit asking why Reo is acting like this. One in particular reads: "I get that he is betrayed and stuff but he is acting like it’s the end of the world, is it explained later why he acts like this? Is it because he doesn’t think he can win without Nagi?" Not to call this person out, I just want to answer the question in this post-

It has nothing to do with winning; it was never about winning. It was always about Nagi.

If we're looking at Reo through the borderline lens, it IS the end of the world for him. Nagi was his world. What's worse, he's fully aware that he's not acting rationally and he doesn't know why, which is making him feel ashamed and weak and embarrassed. Now I know why he's acting like this, but there are no Blue Lock psychiatrists sitting around to wack him with the mood stabilizers or the DBT handbook, so he's gonna stay feeling like a monster.

He lets these thoughts, along with the resentment and anger from being abandoned in the first place, fuel him for the second selection match. As he's watching the game play out, as Nagi is about to score the winning goal, Reo's mind starts racing with intrusive, negative thoughts.

He's praying that Nagi fails, that he gives up, that he stops trying, anything to stop that solidifying moment where he scores the winning goal and proves once and for all that not only was Reo not strong enough to stop him, but Nagi doesn't need him anymore. He catches himself really quickly, because he realizes he's sounding just like his parents. Everything is spinning out of control so bad, Reo wants Nagi to end up in a vulnerable position so that he isn't the only one falling apart. As he catches himself thinking this, he's disgusted with himself. He calls himself 'utter trash', and as he watches Nagi score the winning goal, he falls to his knees, wishing he was dead.

As he sits there decomposing in emotional turmoil and suicidal ideation, Nagi's team chooses Chigiri to join them, and it's the nail in the coffin. This is probably Reo's lowest point in the entire story IMO. Nagi comes up to compliment him on his plays and Reo shows us another classic borderline move: he's anticipating how bad it's going to hurt to be abandoned by Nagi again, so he's trying to push him away before it can happen. We see the dichotomy of his spoken words and inner thoughts here, where he's talking big game to Nagi, saying things like 'you clearly don't care about me anymore, you're throwing me away, if you're going to abandon me just do it properly', while internally he's thinking 'I'm the worst, I wish I was dead, please take this bait and break my heart so that I can self destruct in peace'.

i LOVE the visuals during this moment. This is what Reo thinks is his last line of defense, the last thing he can do to preserve any part of his dignity is to make Nagi hate him so that he'll stop throwing these crumbs of affection at him. It's also really telling that despite his switch in behavior and the devaluing of Nagi, the root of all of that is STILL that he was so hurt by the abandonment.

I don't think I need to analyze the suicidal ideation because he just straight up says he wants to die like three times in this scene but, aside from that, the visual of his inner thoughts vs what he's actually saying is so powerful. Not to mention the chameleon imagery which i'll geek out about in a second, this is another example of his black and white thinking along with the reiteration that being abandoned was literally traumatic for Reo: he says they can never go back to what they were before. Speaking as a borderline, this is painfully true. When people break my trust even in a small way, I can never view them the same as I used to. I can forgive them and let it go, but I'll never be as open with them as I once was. In Reo's shoes, he had Nagi up on this pedestal that he was perfect and would never do anything to hurt him, but he did hurt him (in the worst way possible).

After Nagi tells him he's a pain in the ass and that he doesn't care anymore, Reo thanks him for 'finishing him off'. In his mind, they're done now and he can suffer in peace and quiet without dragging Nagi down anymore.

Bonus Point: The Chameleon Effect

I LOVE THE FACT THAT HIS THING IS CHAMELEONS AHHHH

The chameleon imagery with Reo makes me INSANE dude. As I mentioned towards the beginning of this post, a part of borderline that is seldom talked about is the tendency to take on 'the chameleon effect', or mirror the people around them. REO'S ENTIRE THING IS CHAMELEONS LIKE BFFR ?? That image where he was trying to get Nagi to hate him, was before he even started using his chameleon style, it was just something the authors thought was necessary to include during Reo's mental breakdown. Aside from the cool imagery, his chameleon style is a reflection of his relationship with Nagi. He gets called a jack of all trades and a master of none early on in reference to how when he’s without Nagi, hes not really exceptional at anything. He never really took the time to master one specific thing because he was always so concerned with helping Nagi. This rings my BPD bell for a couple reasons: first of all, when you have no sense of identity and you’re worried it means you have no real personality ?? Steal one!! Take the closest person to you and copy that one. That’s something us baddies know VERY well. Also, think there’s something about you that your fp doesn’t like? Change it! You can morph into anything they want as long as it means they won’t leave you !! :*) Before he makes up with Nagi, he copies moves in hopes that it'll make him stronger and appear more desirable to Nagi. After they make up, he copies whoever he has to so that he can get Nagi to that goal and make himself useful, make himself somebody that Nagi wants to have around. It is a literal direct metaphor for him changing anything and everything about himself for Nagi and graaaahhhh it’s so cool

Reonagi ?? Some thoughts-

I want to close this yap session with my thoughts on Reonagi as a ship. I do think that they can work and I want to make that clear. I'm not on board with the 'borderlines arent capable of having loving and fulfilling relationships' crap. That being said, they both have to put in a bit of effort. Reo has already recognized a lot of his own issues. He admits that he was wrong for pushing his ideals onto Nagi, that he needs to let Nagi grow and be his own person, etc. Nagi really hasn't accepted any fault. I stand by the fact that Nagi needs to be more sensitive with Reo. Way too often when a relationship like this fails, all the blame is put on the one with borderline. I'm gonna be the outlier here and say that if Nagi cares about Reo, he needs to learn about Reo's triggers and be mindful of them. I'm not saying that since Reo is sensitive to abandonment that Nagi should just isolate himself from everybody else, but what I am saying is that when he's going to do something that doesn't involve Reo, he needs to learn how to communicate that he still loves and values Reo. "I'm gonna go play soccer with this person right now, but I haven't forgotten about our promise. When I come back, we can play together. I still love you and I'm not going to leave you for whoever tf I'm playing with rn." (sneaking that 'i love you' in bc like..they're literally canon at this point asdfghjkll) But, I do think that Nagi loves Reo and cares about him in his own way. The two of them just have to keep working on their communication skills. Nagi has the potential to have a hot rich husband who will literally bend over backward for him and buy him all the robux he could ever want, he's gotta put in a shred of effort!

I also like to think that Nagi didn’t totally get the fact that Reo doesn’t gaf about just playing soccer. Nagi thinks soccer is what they do together, it’s what makes reo happy, right? He’s always pushing him to train harder and take the game more seriously because he likes the sport, RIGHT? It would make perfect sense to go play with isagi so that he can get better at soccer and come back to reo a more improved player. Maybe that’s why he was surprised when Reo was so mad in the bathhouse, bc he wasn’t making the connection that Reo cares more about him than soccer. That Reo puts all that energy into him playing soccer because he thinks it’s something that they can have as their own, and once Nagi notices how good he is, he’ll start enjoying it and the two of them can hold hands and run around the soccer pitch!! I think Nagi missed that part tbh, and I don’t think he know that even now in the story. Maybe Reo doesn’t even notice it.

Anyway, a shameless plug to my reonagi playlist if that's your thing (i cooked with this one, i fear) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5CsvSqmuI4cxOl1nTaV4GJ?si=737a0f21e0bd482a

Closing Thoughts:

Reo is a bpd baddie and I love him very much. I think he's a sensitive guy with a lot of feelings who would benefit from taking time to work through his trauma and his emotions. I hope that he eventually is able to build an identity for himself that doesn't involve Nagi, but baby steps, I suppose. I think Reo is a great balance of positive and negative borderline traits and he reads as a really believable and sympathetic character. He is, however, definitely that friend that you have to slap to stop them from running back to their ex.

Jokes aside though, BPD can be extremely hard to live with, even more so when it's undiagnosed and untreated. If someone you love has BPD, take the time to read up on it and do your best to understand them. I promise you, it will mean the world to them.

If you managed to get this far, thank you for reading! This was a messy stream of consciousness and I appreciate your support by listening.

#blue lock #reo mikage #reonagi #nagireo #nagi seishiro #bpd

[starlettescarlet]

no, Matty's not TTPD's muse - and neither is Joe

okay so in my previous post i said that i believe that taylor has a secret muse (or muses) she's been writing about and in this masterpost i'll further explain why.

alright so as many of you may have noticed, there are a few main themes in most of taylor's work: forbidden romances, being in love with your best friend - or someone so controversial that the world wouldn't accept, your parents wouldn't accept, you and your love being against the world, religious guilt - you know the stuff. i've always wondered why? because Taylor Swift the gorgeous gorgeous billionaire who's always been dating famous single men who's around her age (we're leaving Jack and John out here) - like why would her relationships would be so forbidden and unheard of and the world just turn against her if they knew? the obvious theory is, yeah because she's gay or at least bisexual. i think everyone has heard enough of this theory (and i think this is the theory that has the most evidence) but in this post i'm going to keep in neutral and try to explore it in a more broad way.

with the drop of TTPD, she put a face to this forbidden love - turns out it was Matty Healy all long. it was Matty whom she secretly dreamt about and it was Matty whom would make her fall from grace just to touch his face etcetera. i mean yeah, it could be - but honestly i feel like this doesn't hold enough evidence considering she had been writing about the same person before they even met (2014). that's why I think Matty is a red-herring (a clue or piece of information that is, or is intended to be, misleading or distracting). it holds even more evidence when she is the one who's been telling us that she lies and withholds informations from us if you've ever listened to her carefully. anyways i'm not good at summarising stuff, so i'll just share the examples (the files, if you will) and it's up to you to decide.

so Taylor wrote about forbidden love both in Fearless (Love Story) and Speak Now (Ours), but we won't get into much detail here considering she was still a kid so yep it makes sense her parents wouldn't let her date who she wants lmao.

file I. Red

"Put your lips close to mine As long as they don't touch"

i think the entirety of Treacherous is pretty self-explanatory. this was like 2-3 years before she met Matty.

file ii. 1989

"And you took a Polaroid of us Then discovered (Then discovered) The rest of the world was black and white But we were in screaming color"

the entirety of Out of the Woods explores the same old theme of your love being doomed from the beginning and it's you and your love against the world. this is supposed to about Harry Styles because of the bridge (Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?) (which I believe is an other red-herring) but I honestly do not understand why dating Harry Styles would feel like that lmao. "Baby, like we stood a chance / Two paper airplanes flying" i mean i don't know.

"Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds? Ooh, didn't it all seem new and exciting?"

"Too in love to think straight All alone, or so it seemed But there were strangers watching And whispers turned to talking And talking turned to screams, oh"

the same theme in Wonderland (which i believe sounds extremely queer, but like i said it's for you to decide)

"I cannot be your friend, so I pay the price of what I lost"

"Truth is, I can't pretend it's Platonic, it's just ended, so"

"One night, he wakes, strange look on his face Pauses, then says, "You're my best friend" And you knew what it was, he is in love"

themes of being in love with your best friend. i think it's self-explanatory.

"I had the fantasy that maybe our mismatched star signs Would surprise the whole school"

"When you told me we'd get back together"

"You don't knock anymore, and my whole life's ruined"

another theme is high school lovers. which is interesting because none of Taylor's exes that we know about weren't in the same school with her, or neither were her childhood friends. this theme will make a huge comeback in later albums.

file iii. reputation

this album is FUCKED. okay,

"Something happened for the first time In the darkest little paradise Shaking, pacing, I just need you"

"For you I would cross the line I would waste my time I would lose my mind They say, "She's gone too far this time."

"Halo, hiding my obsession I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy"

reputation is mostly supposed to be about Joe Alwyn and again, i don't know what is it about Joe that would make her questions her faith like that.

"Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep"

?

"I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason"

"Picture of your face in an invisible locket You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it I had a bad feeling"

"I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us So, baby, can we dance Oh, through an avalanche?"

"I'd kiss you as the lights went out Swaying as the room burned down I'd hold you as the water rushes in"

again i really don't remember her and Joe ever being this secret and forbidden and the public wouldn't let them be together if they ever knew but, okay.

"Our secret moments in a crowded room They got no idea about me and you"

"All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation My hands are shaking from holding back from you"

"I don't want you like a best friend"

"Inescapable, I'm not even gonna try And if I get burned, at least we were electrified"

"Everyone thinks that they know us But they know nothing about—"

TAYLOR WHAT'S GOING ON. alright we're moving on

file iv. Lover

"I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you And I snuck in through the garden gate Every night that summer just to seal my fate (Oh) And I scream, "For whatever it's worth I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"

again there's this romance that is so forbidden and not meant to happen but she can't help it etcetera. doesn't scream Joe Alwyn to me.

"We were crazy to think Crazy to think that this could work Remember how I said I'd die for you? We were stupid to jump In the ocean separating us Remember how I'd fly to you?"

"They all warned us about times like this They say the road gets hard and you get lost When you're led by blind faith, blind faith"

"But we might just get away with it Religion's in your lips Even if it's a false god We'd still worship We might just get away with it The altar is my hips Even if it's a false god"

"I know heaven's a thing I go there when you touch me, honey"

"Make confessions and we're begging for forgiveness"

again what's going on that would make her question her faith like that.

"School bell rings, walk me home"

"20 questions, we tell the truth You've been stressed out lately, yeah, me too Something gave you the nerve To touch my hand"

"Church bells ring, carry me home Rice on the ground looks like snow Call my bluff, call you "Babe" Have my back, yeah, every day Feels like home, stay in bed The whole weekend"

again being in love with your best friend and they get married at the end. honestly i just believe this is gay.

file v. Folklore

"I persist and resist the temptation to ask you If one thing had been different Would everything be different today?"

"In my defense, I have none For digging up the grave another time"

the entirety of The One is just about still thinking about your ex love. this theme will make a huge comeback in TTPD.

"I knew you Tried to change the ending Peter losing Wendy"

again she's reminiscing about her ex love. keep the Peter & Wendy theme in the back of your mind.

"You know I didn't want to Have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene You wear the same jewels That I gave you As you bury me"

another theme is ghosts, death and burials. also keep this one in mind.

"I still got love for you Your braids like a pattern Love you to the moon and to Saturn Passed down like folk songs The love lasts so long"

another childhood love song. it could be interpreted as platonic, but it sounds romantic to me. idk.

"Back when we were still changing for the better Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all"

"Cause you weren't mine to lose You weren't mine to lose"

she's still reminiscing about "The One" but here it also overlaps with the high school love muse. this is going to make more sense in Evermore.

"And that's the thing about illicit affairs And clandestine meetings And longing stares It's born from just one single glance But it dies and it dies and it dies"

i mean i don't think an explanation for Illicit Affairs is needed. here comes a new theme, the one whom she's having a forbidden affair turns out to be married.

"You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else"

"You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else"

kinda screams Out of the Woods to me.

"My twisted knife My sleepless night My winless fight This has frozen my ground"

"You know I left a part of me back in New York You knew the hero died, so what's the movie for"

"You knew you won, so what's the point of keeping score?"

again this is supposed to be about Joe (the references to "blue", him being a pisces and having mental issues) but it really doesn't sound like it - i mean not in the narrative we know about.

"Take me to the Lakes where all the poets went to die I don't belong and, my beloved, neither do you"

"While I bathe in cliffside pools With my calamitous love and insurmountable grief"

again the feeling of being misunderstood by the whole public and she defines Joe as her "calamitous" (catastrophic) love. hmm.

file vi. evermore

"Every bait-and-switch was a work of art"

bait-and-switch in literature is explained as: "This occurs when the author guides and encourages readers to invest their attention in some suspenseful situation but then is substitute for a payoff that has little to do with what occurred before."

"So we could call it even You could call me "babe" for the weekend 'Tis the damn season, write this down I'm staying at my parents' house And the road not taken looks real good now And it always leads to you and my hometown"

"I parked my car Right between the Methodist and the school that used to be ours"

"So I'll go back to LA And the so-called friends who'll write books about me if I ever make it And wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles I'm faking"

again the high school love.

"There'll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you"

reminiscing The One again.

"Hey Dorothea Do you ever stop and think about me? When we were younger Down in the park Honey, making a lark of the misery"

this is the childhood friend muse we've seen before in It's Nice to Have a Friend and Seven (even in Mary's Song).

"And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island wondering where did my baby go? The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go"

"Will you forgive my soul When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care? 'Cause we were like the mall before the Internet It was the one place to be The mischief, the gift wrapped suburban dreams"

this kind of sounds to me like the muse in 'tis the Damn Season. it is clear that this was someone from her teenage years, could be the high school love. also a reference to Suburban Legends.

"Oh, goddamn My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand Taking mine, but it's been promised to another"

the married muse.

"And the old widow goes to the stone every day But I don't, I just sit here and wait Grieving for the living"

"I wish to know The fatal flaw that makes you long to be Magnificently cursed"

the same cemetery and being haunted theme.

"It's been a long time And seeing the shape of your name Still spells out pain"

"I know I'm just a Wrinkle in your new life Staying "friends" Would iron it out so nice"

she's still reminiscing about her ex love and also a reference to being friends.

"Help, I'm still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt"

right where you left me is like the song that has all the theories combined lmao. there's not getting over The One, there's her love getting married to someone else (Glass shattere on the white cloth / I'm sure that you got a wife out there / Kids and Christmas but I'm unaware cause I'm right where you left me), there's being haunted, there's queerness (Hairpin drop) - there's literally everything.

file vii. Midnights

"Laughing with my feet in your lap Like you were my closest friend"

the best friend theme and honestly i think this is just gay.

"'Cause I don't remember who I was before you Painted all my nights A color I have searched for since"

feels like a direct reference to Out of the Woods and, illicit affairs maybe?

"Oh, my, love is a lie Shit my friends say to get me by It hits different It hits different this time"

another breakup song that was written when she was with Joe.

"I used to switch out these Kens, I'd just ghost"

the Kens will make a comeback in TTPD.

"I find the artifacts, cried over a hat Cursed the space that I needed I trace the evidence, make it make some sense"

"artifacts" and "evidence" will also make a come back later.

"Bet I could still melt your world Argumentative, antithetical dream girl"

honestly i think this is just gay.

"Is it okay? Is it you? Or have they come to take me away? To take me away"

another reference to being locked up in an asylum lmao.

"We can plant a memory garden Say a solemn prayer Place a poppy in my hair"

another reference to graveyards and also battles, which comes back in You're Losing Me.

"Privacy sign on the door And on my page and on the whole world Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours"

keeping your love hidden which she didn't lmao

"I wanna transport you To somewhere the culture's clever Confess my truth In swooping, sloping, cursive letters"

she needs to take her love to somewhere the culture's clever so they could be... understood? i mean i wonder why... why would she need to confess her truth about Joe

"High infidelity Put on your records and regret me"

"Do you really want to know where I was April 29th? Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?"

she's just cheating

"I'd pay, if you'd just know me"

another reference to taylor feeling like she's not being understood

"We were supposed to be just friends You don't live in my part of town but maybe I'll see you out some weekend"

friends alert

"Dear reader, if it feels like a trap You're already in one"

"Dear reader, burn all the files Desert all your past lives And if you don't recognize yourself That means you did it right"

"Never take advice from someone who's falling apart"

"Dear reader, you don't have to answer Just 'cause they asked you"

"Dear reader, the greatest of luxuries is your secrets"

i think Dear Reader is the song that made the making of TTPD possible because this is like the first song she directly confesses that her life is not what it seems and she keeps things hidden

"I prefer hiding in plain sight"

"Spilling out to you for free But darling, darling, please You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking If you knew where I was walking To a house, not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there"

she's basically saying YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH. it cannot get more obvious.

"You should find another guiding light, guiding light But I shine so bright"

she knows that despite her efforts to tell us about her life and how it's very different from the narrative she tells us the public won't believe it cause she shines so bright

file viii. THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT

"I was supposed to be sent away, but they forgot to come and get me I was a functioning alcoholic till nobody noticed my new aesthetic"

she shockingly confesses to not actually being what she seemed to be - she's depressed and she's an alcoholic and the reference to being locked up in the psych ward (Hits Difference) (also Fortnight mv)

"You're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down on the road"

"But you awaken with dread, pounding nails in your head"

kind of reminds me of the muse of Peace (if your cascade ocean blue waves come) and Hoax

"He was my best friend Down at the sandlot I felt more when we played pretend Than with all the Kens"

the best friend theme and the Kens?

"Did you take all my old clothes? Just to leave me here naked and alone In a field in my same old town"

"Down bad like I lost my twin"

honestly it sounds like she's singing about a woman here. (Karlie)

"I'll build you a fort on some planet Where they can all understand it"

the reference to Paris and all the other songs where she feels like her love cannot be understood

"I just learned these people only raise you to cage you Sarahs and Hannahs in their Sunday best Clutching their pearls, sighing, "What a mess" I just learned these people try and save you 'Cause they hate you"

i won't write the whole lyrics but the entirety of But Daddy I Love him is about forbidden love (like Love Story), not being understood, the whole world judging your love etc.

"Now, pretty baby, I'm runnin' back home to you Fresh out the slammer, I know who my first call will be to"

"Gray and blue and fights and tunnels Handcuffed to the spell I was under For just one hour of sunshine"

"My friends tried but I wouldn't hear it Watched me daily disappearing For just one glimpse of his smile"

i feel like Frest Out the Slammer is a direct reference to illicit affairs muse (Make sure nobody sees you leave / Hood over your head keeps your eyes down / Tell them you're out for a run / You'll be flushed when you return)

"At the park where we used to sit on children's swings Wearing imaginary rings"

again it sounds like the muse is somebody whom she's known since she was way younger

"Without ever touching his skin How can I be guilty as sin?"

yeah she wants to cheat so bad lmao. i think this is pre-illicit affairs.

"I keep these longings locked In lowercase, inside a vault Someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts Only your actions talk"

again religious guilt and keeping your desires hidden.

"What if I roll the stone away? They're gonna crucify me anyway What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy? If long-suffering propriety is what they want from me They don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly I choose you and me religiously"

wow. once again she's haunted.

"They shake their heads, saying, "God help her" when I Tell 'em he's my man But your good Lord doesn't need to lift a finger I can fix him, no really I can"

you know what i honestly believe this is the same muse from cowboy like me lmao. another dangerous forbidden love.

"Who's gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames If we know the steps anyway? We embroidered the memories of the time I was away Stitching, "We were just kids, babe" I said, "I don't mind, it takes time""

here comes the muse from the 1, the old flame. again the childhood / high school lovers trope.

"Still alive, killing time at the cemetery Never quite buried"

cemeteries again?

"It was unnecessary, should've let it stay buried"

i think this is after-the 1. (If one thing had been different / Would everything be different today?) i think they tried again but it didn't work.

"I can read your mind "She's having the time of her life" There in her glittering prime The lights refract sequin stars Off her silhouette every night I can show you lies"

i don't think i need to explain I Can Do it With a Broken Heart.

"And I don't even want you back, I just want to know If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal"

there's something about The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived that makes me think about it's related to August. i feel like it was written from August' POV.

"'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden"

self-explanatory, huh?

"Now I want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes And hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons"

again she's haunted but i think The Black Dog is honestly about Joe.

"I'm the albatross I swept in at the rescue The devil that you know Looks now more like an angel"

again more religious imagery that i'm too tired to explain right now lmao but you know the drill

"You turned me into an idea of sorts"

she's talking about the public's perception of her

"Say it once again with feeling How the death rattle breathing Silenced as the soul was leaving The deflation of our dreaming Leaving me bereft and reeling My beloved ghost and me Sitting in a tree D-Y-I-N-G"

?

"And so I changed your name and any real defining clues And one day Your kid comes home singing A song that only us two is gonna know is about you"

this is where the real deal comes in. in thanK you aIMee, it sounds like a direct reference to Kim Kardashian but she just throws this line here which makes you think... hmm. if she changed her name and any real defining clues how do we know it's about Kim? so maybe it isn't. i mean that's what she said anyways.

"I tried searching faces on streets What are the chances you'd be Downtown, downtown, downtown Does it feel alright to not know me? I'm addicted to the "if only"

feels like a reference to The One.

"I got cursed like Eve got bitten Oh, was it punishment?"

"Please I've been on my knees Change the prophecy Don't want money Just someone who wants my company Let it once be me"

"A greater woman stays cool But I howl like a wolf at the moon"

"A greater woman has faith But even statues crumble if they're made to wait I'm so afraid I sealed my fate No sign of soulmates"

another song where she feels doomed and cursed. honestly i think this is the saddest song from TTPD.

"You can mark my words that I said it first In a mourning warning no one heard

No one heard Not a single word was heard"

in Cassandra she once again sings about not being heard.

"Forgive me, Peter My lost fearless leader In closets like cedar Preserved from when we were just kids"

"You said you were gonna grow up Then you were gonna come find me"

in Peter she once again sings about the old flame, the 1, the childhood love. we're supposed to believe the muse in question is Matty. they were both 25 when they met so it's up to you to decide if this is the childhood love. idk.

"Started with a kiss "Oh, we must stop meeting like this" But it always ends up with a town car speeding Out the drive one evening Ended with the slam of a door Then he'll call her a whore"

illicit affairs alert

so, to sum it up -

chapter "hiding in plain sight"

i. dear reader, ii. thank you aimee, iii. fortnight, iv. i can do it with a broken heart

chapter "forbidden love"

i. love story, ii. ours, iii. treacherous, iv. illicit affairs, v. cowboy like me, vi. but daddy i love him, vii. guilty as sin

chapter "i loved you in secret"

i. king of my heart, ii. dress, iii. don't blame me, iv. paris, v. glitch

chapter "the 1"

i. the 1, ii. 'tis the damn season, iii. coney island, iv. suburban legends, v. loml, so many more i'm so tired at the moment lmao let me wrap it up

chapter "passed down like folk songs"

this is the childhood best friend chapter btw

i. seven, ii. dorothea, iii. mary's song, iv. it's nice to have a friend

chapter "suburban legends"

this is the high school love chapter which could also overlap with the 1 chapter

i. 'tis the damn season, ii. coney island, iii. loml

chapter "best friend" (which could also overlap the childhood best friend and high school love chapter, i know it's so complicated)

i. maroon, ii. you are in love, iii. dress, iv. mary's song, v. it's nice to have a friend

alright so i've probably left some songs out cause i'm on my period and my mind is so foggy, like i said i'm so tired so please let me know there's anything missing.

to sum it up in a shorter way,

muse i. the best friend (which can both be the childhood best friend or the high school lovers, the one from her hometown, also can be the 1)

muse ii. illicit affairs, the one that got married, it can also overlap the prior muse idk

muse iii. this one is clearly a woman in my opinion.

IN CONCLUSION

in conclusion, there seems to be at least one hidden muse throughout taylor's discography. i feel like there's at least three. by the way - i couldn't care less whom taylor writes about. i'm just interested in the story she has to tell. and lately it's been feeling like she has been begging for us to understand her. i think she uses a lot of red herrings to hide the true muses of her songs. when you carefully listen to her whole discography there are a few stories that instantly connect to each other that is out of the narrative taylor explicitly chose to tell us about. and this is not to say that she never had a relationship with Harry or Joe or whatever - it's just that I believe there is someone else (or others) that we don't yet know about. i think the one she's known from her hometown is the most obvious one.

anyways, i'm curious to hear about your thoughts in this.

#taylor swift #red tv #1989 tv #folklore #evermore #reputation #lover #midnights #the tortured poets department #taylor swift theories #ttpd #music #lyrics #gaylor #not actually gaylor but kinda #it's complicated #ts

[thevulturesquadron]

Hello! 👋 Could you list some of the best comic books that explore the Rogue/ Magneto relationship?

Hey there!!! 👩‍🚀 Oh gosh! With pleasure! I might be a bit rusty because I haven’t gone through older Marvel comic books in a while and also because I am not up to date with the recent years of X-Men comics BUT there are still a couple of issues that are very dear to me when it comes to Rogue & Magneto, so happy to share:

It all started in the year 1981:

1. Uncanny X-Men #269 ; Uncanny X-Men #274 & Uncanny X-Men #275 (1981, Written by Chris Claremont) [The story is pretty self-contained to these 3 issues and it all starts with Rogue realising that her Ms. Marvel powers are gone and Carol Danvers somehow has her own body now. (a very simplified context of what was going on in that era with the X-Men) I absolutely love Rogue in these issues. She has sass and personality, and she still carries a lot of her energy from the 80s.]

2. X -Men Volume 2 (Issues #1 - #3) - (1991, Chris Claremont) [They meet again after the events in the Savage Land, now on opposite sides.]

3. Magneto Rex: Issues #1- #3 - (1999, Joe Pruett) [This miniseries… is a bit weird and needs some context. It’s at a time where Marvel really wanted to have Magneto return to his evil ways and be a villain for the X-Men (regardless if it made sense or not). Not one of my favourites and generally can live without but it’s a ‘next stop’ in their interactions, so adding it to the list.]

4. Then we have X-Men Legacy! ( 2008, Mike Carey) [This one is a chonker, and to make things worse it is connected with other series running at the same time. It has pieces of Rogue and Magneto through the entire run but all in all, the story sees them reunite under the same team in Utopia (starting with Legacy #231). The full run of Legacy can be difficult to follow up on but if you have the time, it’s really worth it. It’s also the first story in YEARS where Rogue is allowed to shine and do her own thing. If you need a more detailed list of what issues are really worth reading, in what order and what is happening in between them let me know and will be happy to write down a breakdown!]

5. Memorable mentions in the main series: There are quite a few tiny bits about them in the comic books but here’s a list of issues that give more context to how they interact and how they feel about each other:

a. Marvel Fanfare #33 - (1982, Chris Claremont. I love Rogue in this one and it’s such a nice example of what a good and powerful duo they can make. Something that is later explored in Legacy as well. b. Legacy #223 (during Rogue’s journey to control her powers) we have a glimpse of how she remembers and sees Magneto’s presence in her life. c. Magneto #10 (2014, Cullen Bunn) - Similarly, a glimpse into Magneto’s mind on how he remembers Rogue and the impact their connection in the Savage Land had on him. d. Mr & Mrs X #6 (2019) - there is a page between Rogue and Magneto where, in all that mess, at least Magneto’s honest feelings for her and his care for her happiness shine through.

And last but not least, Age of Apocalypse. [This is a completely separate timeline that the comic books liked to visit from time to time. In this universe Rogue and Magneto are pretty much in love and married but… it’s a very tragic universe. Original series started in 1995; then it got revisited in 2005 and again in 2015… I think? The series… is far from perfect, there are so many things that can be described as unhinged (dialogue included) but, there is so much love for these two characters and I absolutely recommend it if you are ok with investing some time into reading it, and most of all if you are ready for a real heart break (again and again).]

Hope this helps! Happy to go into more details or put aside a cleaner list if interested! 💜

There are a couple other mentions in the comics so in case I missed something important I will summon one of the gods of endless knowledge when it comes to X-Men to correct or add to the list: @maedelin

#rogue #magneto #erik lehnsherr #x men #anna marie #rogneto #rogueneto #mavel #comics!!! #yes! #hope the list doesn't look like a mess #anna marie adler #textpost

[tariah23]

The fact the Denji is just so used to being stuck in shit to the point where he barely has any strong reactions to things ever outside of being a bit thrown off at times and that one time a couple of chapters ago when Yoshida had both he and his sister held as captives where he was pretty much forced to stop being csm or else- Denji isn’t allowed any agency as a character and he cannot have what he wants regardless of how insignificantly small that thing might be. He’s always forced into making discussions that he doesn’t want to, even if they’re painful and scary. And it is always through him being guilted into making them.

#he’s like everyone’s favorite puppet it makes me so sad #csm #denji is growing so much though he isn’t falling for the same tricks as easily anymore despite still… falling for them but he asks #questions now and he thinks about what he wants to do and accomplish a bit more and it’s really good but it’s so sad that he’ll never have #a normal and safe life at this point like it’s hard to even imagine #and he’s just so used to being csm that he can’t see himself going back to how he used to live before because it was just so fucking bad man #living in extreme poverty as a child with a pet all by himself for so many years and being neglected and used by everyone around him #because they #knew that he was an easy mark and didn’t know any better or have any sense of self preservation #and now it’s gotten to a point where the life of the girl he likes is being weighed on a scale that matches his desire to be csm again #it sucks man denji is a good character I want things to work out for him at least once #rambling

[chazz-is-a-zelda-fan]

can’t post this on insta considering a good chunk of my irls follow me there and they wouldn’t get this but i’ve been doing a lot better this week about keeping up with myself, i think

#the thing that i’ve mostly seen myself get better at is brushing my teeth and i know that’s so basic everyone starts by working on that #but its actually really difficult for me to keep up with esp considering that i have self sabotaging my health for years #like for the majority of my life i did not think i would make it to 16. i thought i would be 6 feet under and buried before i got here #i didn’t want people to know me because 1. then they couldn’t hurt me by forgetting me and 2. #they wouldn’t have anyone to mourn and i could fade away like i’d always wanted to #so i never cared about myself since i thought “well my time is up before i’m 16 it’s not like anything matters to me” #and while i hate to say it it gave me a sense of freedom under the roof i was stuck under #Religious Trauma does not fuck around let me tell you that #and so that “nothing i do matters” mentality became a major part of me and i regret it so much #i ruined so many relationships that could’ve helped me hold on to the little hope i had #i almost ruined my entire relationship with my sister because of that and i… i hope she knows how sorry i am. #i hope she knows just how hard her big brother is trying to be better. #i don’t know what to do now that i’m 16. it’s scary. i don’t know anything. i graduate next year. #but whatever i do… i can try. i can try to move on from the self sabotage and the recklessness and maybe #just maybe #i can be a big brother she can be proud of. #midnight mech

[designernishiki]

the fact that kiryu, for the first and only time ever, full-on made out with a woman in the moments before a bomb was supposed to go off and kill them both, said woman having just openly professed her love for him minutes earlier, and then after they both survive they see each other again and amicably go like “I care about you, but my life isn’t going in the same direction as yours and we both want to chase different kinds of happiness and that’s okay. I hope to see you again someday, but goodbye and good luck until then :)” is actually so funny to me in hindsight

#like. wow maybe they’re self aware #and realizing oh. maybe this was sort of. not the healthiest potential relationship considering it was solely born from trauma bonding #and their paths in life/what they seem to want out of life seem drastically different #in otherwords after the heat of the moment and suicidal ideation died down a bit they could maaaaaybe evaluate mm. perhaps we jumped the gun #dcjdckjdcn anyway it’s just funny cause of how quick that goes from 100 to 0 #like one moment they’re romeo and juliet style killing themselves and pretending like that’s Fine #then the next they’re like. uh. well. it’s been nice but I gotta go do my own thing now #fbncjdckkd #yakuza #yakuza kiwami 2 #rgg #rambling #after many years she’s gonna get a letter in the mail that’ll surprise her when she sees it’s from kazuma kiryu #and she’s gonna open it and find that it’s a formal invitation to his and majima’s wedding #and a lot of things will suddenly make a lot of sense

[misspickman]

Your transfem Tim fics are just SO amazing and moving to me and I love them so much. But I'm curious since a couple days ago you said your most popular ('by any other name would smell as sweet') isn't your favorite you've written- which one is, and why?

Thank youuu also hm i think its too mean to say 'literally any other one' bc i dont hate it or think its bad i just. Looking back i would change many things. Like maybe lower the amount of supporting characters in that fic. Paralytic states + crude and graceless are dear to me bc i think the levels of repression and tiptoeing around the issue comes through better and it takes tim longer to come to terms with it, and i think he'd be much more withdrawn about it/keep it close to his chest than i wrote it in that fic. Thats just the sort of stuff i changed my mind on as time passed and i thought about this hc more so u know it happens. Drowning lessons has a vibe i still really enjoy it feels kinda self contained? And hairline fracture is special to me bc its a part of a kind of complicated au im probably never actually going to write. So yeah im v fond of all of them for different reasons

#Sorry this got so long i had to use this as my chance to talk about it<3 #When i wrote that fic i was still in that stage of reading comics (and specifically bat comics in this case) and feeling like i should fit #All of the bats in there #And now i wish i hadnt bc 1) why would jason be there 2) i dont think tim would be that open about it with Anyone so early #So like the fact that damian and steph figure him out so early is funny and i know what i was getting at there #But i dont agree with my past self i think hed be much better at hiding this bc of his many internalized issues around this #And again why is jason there. No offense to my jason friends i just do not think it makes sense that i put him there #I know why but i disagree #Listen i wrote this fic over a year ago i changed my opinions on a lot of things as i continued to read more comics #Nothing wrong with that. Does haunt me tho #Ask #Thank you<333 sorry for all this<3

[wickershells]

Sigh. vent time u know the drill

#i havent been sleeping well recently. and ive been losing a lot of daylight whenever i do #my brain feels all mush-like. i just cant think of the right words for anything. its like im dreaming #ive missed the deadline for applications so theres another year gone. im so stagnant my life is idle #ive never been more desperate for spring before in my life #i want to go places and see things because i am so miserable stuck here. so i tell myself it will change once i can leave #but i dont have money. and i cant keep a job being as unstable and sensitive as i am i need to get better first #but in order to get better i need to spend money that i dont have #i dont think i was supposed to be happy. i dont think life ever planned that for me #i know that is such a defeatist and ugly attitude to have but truly i am just so unhappy all the time and i have been for years #realistically speaking im never going to be able to keep myself afloat i dont know what to do with that #and im the loneliest ive ever been #i try reaching out and i meet nothing #i know how hard it is to love me which is why no one really does. and i dont say that to be self-pitying #im so incompatible with everyone i love even my own mother. i keep trying to stop being so sensitive but ive been trying to get thicker #skin my entire life and it has never worked. i am perpetually upset no matter how hard i try i dont think i was built to still be here #i convinced myself i wouldnt be and now i am and i dont know how to deal with that. so many things i never preserved or procured because #i figured i would be long gone by now. that was a bit silly of me. but now ive left myself nothing. im left with nothing #everything i had hoped for as a little kid is ruined now all because of me. i have irreparably destroyed my life i mean that #and i cant handle the inevitability of grief and its growing closer and closer as everyone gets older and older #which is why in an act of pure selfishness id rather let everyone else deal with it. in the nebulous sense #god i just. ive spent year after year trying to fix my life and nothing has worked. not even close #im trying not to believe that its futile but deep down i think i already do #well. whatever #mine

[witherrosealliance]

Codex: Mythical Fjord, King of Mythland

One of the few rulers of Mythland to ever be excommunicated, King Fjord was a power-hungry man. He remained at war for two thirds of his rule, a period referred to as the Fjordan Wars.

King Fjord first decided to reestablish rule over some of the outer edges of Mythland, which had fallen out of strict accordance with Mythland’s laws. The locals did not take kindly to this, resulting in almost a year of civil war, the King successfully crushed all rebellion.

King Fjord, immediately after, set onto taking the Codland islands, expecting no formidable resistance.

However, the Codlands stood strong for two years, eventually receiving strong military help from Pixandria, their combined might allowing them to take the upper peninsula of Mythland. Before they could take more, King Fjord sent a team of diplomats to negotiate terms of surrender.

The area surrounding much of the Malacus Lakes, now known as Gilded Helianthia, had been practically bled dry during this long period of warring.

The area declared their secession from Mythland and demanded to be recognized as their own country, stopping all agricultural trade until this had been done. After months of negotiating and small skirmishes, Mythland relinquished the Malacus Lakes and recognized Gilded Helianthia as its own, separate country.

During these times, King Fjord had come into repeated conflict with both the Craftman’s Guild and the Merchant’s Guild, eventually banning the the latter from Mythland entirely.

His youngest child, Mythic Oleander attempted to assassinate him and was promptly executed. The Crown Princess Onyx took this opportunity to rally the nobility, even getting the support of the King’s Council.

With few allies and little power after exhausting his resources for his wars, the pressure forced King Fjord to step down from the throne and the Crown Princess was named Queen Onyx of Mythland.

By all reports, he died of natural causes on the edge of Mythland but a few months later. Queen Onyx successfully pushed for his Mythical status to be revoked shortly after his death.

- The Mythical Royal Line, a History, by Scholar Caph Mir, a professor at the Crystal Cliffs’ Academy, 1450 AF

#empires #es1 #anyway here’s my guy that everyone ever hated. #empires smp #esmp #esmp s1 #i have several thoughts about the ‘mythical/mythic’ title thing i use in this btw. i promise it makes sense in my head #‘now cas.’ you almost certainly aren’t saying ‘these occasional dates you’re putting on these seem weirdly related’ you aren’t saying. #yes. yes they are. i made an in universe calendar and everything. #this really is just a bunch of headcanons all rolled into one. sorry if this makes no sense btw. wrote all this in one go at 1AM and #am just setting it in the queue. #so! #have i mentioned that i have a lot of empires 1 lore hcs in my head that i have never talked about. bc i do. #yeah also this is what i mean by ‘never made a proper empiresona bc i made way too many background characters’. #i have a whole drabble planned about onyx. she is an oc with no canonical basis who died 50~ years before canon even starts. #it is wholly unnecessary. but have you considered. i want to. #yeah so all my lore is incredibly self-referential. sorry bout that. #i’ll make lore for s2 as well. eventually. really want to see what they do first though. we’re only about 3 episodes in. #talks

[fagrights]

i just need to get this out sorry

#like im done with trying to fix it now .. cant ive tried for idk 3+ years and i cant so its not on me anymore #now i just am thinking back on how many times i tried to make her feel secure in our relationship but she questioned me every #single time #so maybe it was really inevitable that this would happen #that she would get so caught up in her own head that it would be impossible for her to believe that i could care for her #that we ARE best friends and my life means something with her in it #she was always waiting for the end of it so i guess im giving her exactly what she feared but i cant keep doing this so #cant text her now cause i think im too upset about it but i will think on it. #ive known her my whole life feels so wrong to be in this space with her but i mentally cannot take it anymore #and emotionally too i feel so bad but its not really my fault or my place to feel bad even like. this is all her own messed up sense of sel #self and so maybe that makes me feel even worse idk

[peachinspiration]

dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)

#im in hell #that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real #my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually #and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am #it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom #and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure #it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t #make myself take more than 2 bites #the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself #something. omfgggggggff #I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it #more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do #and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting #addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore #my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance #but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working #it’s like wtf happened #I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way #and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything #it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he #doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing #and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative #but now it’s like #🪿 #yk what I mean #there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into #my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help #him with anything too #I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or #I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often

[whimsicmimic]

once again thinking about my post-trimax legato somehow miraculously survives despite everything au and vashgato agenda aka The Worlds Most Miserable Roadtrip

#one of these days ill get back to it #its the fucking. anger and hatred and loathing from legato @ vash #because legato and vashs entire dynamic is fucking #legato has lain down on the tracks. and he doesnt want to be saved. he needs vash to be the train that runs him over. #and then he lives. somehow. he missed his chance to die. #he had no reason to live. his one reason to carry on was for a cause he fully intended to die for and then he couldnt even do that #mirrored by vash. who also went into that confrontation with knives fully intending to not make it out #and now the world is saved! knives failed and now hes gone. and thats a whole fucking thing to unpack for everyone #the fucking anger. the grief. the whole fuckin mess of contradictory emotions that happens as a result of abuse from a family member w vash #fucking Everything wrt legato. the devastation of knowing knives is gone + he failed + legato lived + *vash* lived #the slowwwwwww realization over a long long period of time that legato worshipped the ground knives walked on #but knives only ever regarded legato with like. the same way someone might an ant. a bug. maybe a dog. #legato who only ever wanted to be Seen by knives #and knives who never particularly cared for legato beyond his usefulness #legato who begins following vash because its probably what knives would want + there is truly nothing else on this planet for him. #he has no other reason to live #and vash allowing him out of some sense of pity / resignation + being able to see that theres Nothing left for legato #+ probo some sense of obligation too. of heres another person his brother fucked up. which means hes vash’s responsibility to fix #all the while legato resents vash for living when knives isnt here. resents him for failing to kill him. #resents him for being the only other thing that knives actually cared about + who rejected knives when all legato ever wanted #was knives’ attention #and vash who frankly resents legato too. resents the fact that. of all the people who managed to survive. it was legato and not ww #resents all the shit that legato put him through. all the people he killed all the suffering he inflicted #the two of them looking at each other and the fucking. recognition of the self thru the other #and seeing all the shit they hate about themselves in the other #theres also again the shared grief of them both losing someone incredibly important to them both but who was also responsible for some #abuse to Both of them. unpacking it. working through it. moving forward. #learning How to move forward as a Whole when theyre both two deeply traumatized deeply suicidal fucks who no longer have the singular goals #thatve been their sole reason for existing for the past. many. years. and having to find new reasons to keep living #but most of all. i think they should make out sloppy in the desert thank you goodnight

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #making progress in therapy because I finally got annoyed enough to go on a twenty minute monologuing about how #I'm tired of getting projected onto and put in these cute little “here's how to manage your anxiety” boxes #yeah body scanning is cool I learned that seven years ago when I was having panic attacks and now I don't have them anymore #actually when I'm anxious focusing on all my five senses makes me even more overstimulated so I close my eyes and don't focus on what I hear #yes I already know how anxiety works and at this point I'm past the emotional fear response and it's now just an overloaded cpu problem #hey hey hey fucking listen to me yeah the circle of control is cute but when people are stupid enough I actually Can control them #I tried to tell her politely that I've already graduated from psych 101 basic bitch mental illness school for freaks. #but she didn't really get it so I stewed for half an hour while she talked about bullshit and then I kinda went off about it #like. hey I'm not incapable of holding relationships long term because I'm afraid of them it's because I'm a freak who doesn't belong. #I'm not afraid of other people. if anything people are afraid of Me. and yes that does make me afraid of social rejection as a whole #but can we please move past kindergarten levels of self understanding and move on to something useful? #yeah yeah yeah you all keep on being like “hmm let's address your depression” I'm so fucking tired of getting told coping methods #how many more snide comments about suicide hotlines do I need to make before you get the hint that I don't just need a hug. #anyway I'm gonna make a list of things I want to talk about and problems I want to address and email it to her and hopefully that helps

[eoinmcgonigal]

caught in that horrible place of wanting to write and post stuff, but being so disheartened and upset because what's the point if no one comments? i take the time to put the stories and ideas in my head into words so that i can share them and talk about them with other people! i'm oldschool about this and make no apologies for being so. fandom was built on comments and interacting with each other - on communicating and creating a sense of community. i cannot keep creating in such utter isolation. i'm not a machine. i'm lonely. i want to connect with people over things with both love and enjoy!

to be clear, this isn't a 'you must always comment if you read something' because that's utterly deranged and unrealistic. i'm just begging anyone who sees this to, if they can (if! because i struggle to comment too!), take a few moments to let an author know 'hey i was here and this made me feel things!'. even a little something back is so, so much better than putting some of my hard work out there and hearing nothing in return. i do not feel inspired to keep writing right now. it makes me so sad having all these things i want to talk about and write and share, but no one seems to be interested in engaging, so the thing that brings me joy remains a quiet, unspoken thing withering inside me

fandom has changed a lot over the last few years, and i wish i could say it was for the better, but it's not. this whole click and move on social media attitude is really soul-destroying. likes/kudos/reactions aren't the same as words (or emoji or gifs or whatever your preferred method of yelling in the comments is). a single click serves a purpose but can never replace the value of human interaction

the thing is, i don't post fic and immediately rush on to the next thing, never to look back. i like looking back! i like pausing in my day to reminisce on that fic i wrote, and i smile the whole way through my entire being when someone leaves a nice comment and i get a chance to say 'thank you, i love this story too' and think about the fic again. i'm cultivating a little garden of stories with all the love and care i have to give each of them, and i want them to grow, not be trodden underfoot as people rush to consume the next thing

#document type: medical report #look just please... human interaction... i'm desperate #i want to talk to people! #i met my best friend and now sibling almost 10 years ago because she was a repeat commenter on a good many of my fics #i know i've barely started writing again but i just cannot keep going if everyone is so damn afraid to comment #i also invite you to consider what talking about fics in servers and (if anyone still uses it) on twitter means #because for a start does the author ever see those conversations? #and secondly are they in any way preserved or do they end up buried by the next topic of conversation/feed refresh? #look look we gotta fuckin anchor this shit down #stop lobbing stones into the ocean and instead we can build little cairns that aren't lost to the tides #i joined a server a few years ago and people went NUTS when they found out my ao3 because they loved my fic #and i had LITERALLY NO IDEA because i would only get one or maybe two comments on a fic #so to discover that whole conversations were happening about my work... it was surreal and just... no one thought to actually talk to *me*? #to the person who wrote the stuff?? #how are we supposed to know anybody is out there and wants to see more of our writing? #also as someone with adhd and self-confidence issues the fact ao3 comments STAY THERE and i even get an email!! is perfection #the comment doesn't disappear and i know where i can find it #and when i go to look at a fic (yes i read my own fic now and then) i see the comment count (even 1) and feel happy that someone enjoyed it #that i'm not alone #also just in case a certain friend who i know liked the last fic reads this and the tags: i don't want you to be burdened by any sense of #obligation to comment on any of my stuff #that is the absolute last thing i want - i just wish commenting was still more of a norm #also please absolutely no one ever read my stuff with the sole intention of commenting #read for the story. keysmash if you have the spoons to and want let me know you liked the words i left lying around for people to discover #ugh okay i'll stop now but wow not to be old but i hate right-this-moment-only social media click-and-move-on disposable bullshit #make your mark darlings #leave a trace #we're only here once #(itf fic will probably be updated at some point - i save comments as encouragement so only reply on wips when i post the next chapter)