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sadbitchpoetry · 3 years

Text

the pain they‘ve caused me

the pain they‘ve caused me,

hunts me down

hunts me down,

every time I close my eyes

every time I close my eyes,

I flinch

I flinch because...

I see it again

I see how they point the electricity,

towards the artery I hit

the artery I hit,

to feel

to feel another pain,

so I can forget

forget the misery that haunted me,

just like the pain they‘ve caused me,

hunts me now.

It hunts me down,

as I feel the metal clamps

the metal clamps they shot into my bare skin,

after I could barely breathe

barely breathe because,

of the electricity they used to close the artery.

the electricity they struck me with,

even after I screamed in pain,

I screamed no.

looking to lock the eyes of the nurses that surrounded me.

they tried to calm me down,

but as the electricity struck again

I tried to pull away my arm.

now,

I look down at the bruises their hands left on me,

and I flinch.

I flinch because...

I remember the pain they‘ve caused me.

(i had a Cauterization because i hit an artery they basically burned the artery with electricity to close it and stop the bleeding but they didn‘t do local narcosis.)

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roses-and-gravestones · 5 years

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"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"? Excuse my rant...

I feel like the person who first said that never actually dealt with mental illness. These are rarely ever temporary problems.

Yes, some problems may be temporary. Yes, some problems may have solutions you're just too afraid to look at. But not always.

My issues? I will never stop having Schizoaffective Disorder. I've tried the medications and they don't stop my hallucinations. I've been hearing voices since I was a teenager. I've been seeing demons and fucked up shit since I was a teenager.

I've literally been depressed since I was a kid. I started self-harming when I was UNDER TEN YEARS of age!!! I've steadily gotten worse with my self-harm but now it's an addiction.

I've got severe enough anxiety that I can't leave my house without having to rely on a Benzo. If I don't take it? I'll have an anxiety attack and then I'll probably need my inhaler if I don't pass out from my attack.

My issues will never go away. Not with therapy. Not with medications. My shitshow of issues aren't going anywhere.

And yeah, maybe one day they'll find a cure for my disorders. Maybe one day I'll be able to actually hold down a job again. But I'm tired.

I've been fighting against my own mind for most of my life. I cant even remember what it's like to not have these problems. If you knew how exhausting it is to fight against your own mind every day, I doubt you'd even think that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

Nor is suicide cowardly.

I'm not trying to glorify it or anything. Suicide is not pretty.

At all.

Especially if you fail. Which for every successful suicide there's (I believe) 24-25 more attempts... possibly even more that just didn't seek help from a failed attempt and therefore didn't make it into the statistics. You body wants to live, and it'll try everything it can to survive.

Suicide is completely heartbreaking. It's distressing. But if you put yourself in their shoes, saw life like they did, you would understand- it wouldn't be "such a shock" or it wouldn't be "unforeseen". You wouldn't ask yourself why they did it because if you knew a fraction of their reasons/thoughts, you would know exactly why.

Dealing with mental illness is so goddamn exhausting and most of the time? Our issues are not temporary.

Suicide is a devastating tragedy for many, but for those who did take their own life, they couldn't see a way out. And it's completely possible that they didn't have a way out.

That being said, if you are suicidal, I pray that you find a solution to your problems. Maybe there's a new medication out that can help, or you can try a new therapy, or switch schools, or move out, or just something. Maybe call a friend or something. There are options if you do look.

If you need to talk, please feel free to message me anytime.

But suicide isn't always a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But it DOES defeat the possibility of it ever getting better.

Stay safe, loves. <3 I love all you.

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sadbitchpoetry · 3 years

Text

Stars can't shine without darkness

"stars cant shine without darkness"

they told her

and so she believed

but over time everything went darker.

the world seemed foggy and grayish.

time passed by

"it's going to get easier"

they said

but where was the light?

after years of waiting

she realized that maybe,

she wasn't meant to be a star,

maybe she wasn't to live in light,

that maybe she shall stay in the dark forever.

as she spoke those words aloud,

she turned silver to red,

the warm water surrounding her

and finally she saw the light.

as she faded away

she spoke her last words

"I am a star, I can see now."

but it was too late,

in the end the darkness conquered the light.

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