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#scapegoating
furiousgoldfish · 4 months
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How triangulation works
Triangulation is a form of abuse, often associated with narcissistic abusers, which works in a way that gets the abuser what they want, by involving other people into the relationship. It will usually happen when you and the abuser are in some kind of conflict, and want different things; the abuser tells you what they want you to do, and you know you don't want this, so you say no, and stand your ground.
When the abuser realizes they can't persuade you, threaten you, force or pressure you into doing what they want, they go a roundabout way about it, by convincing other people to go and pressure you instead. Now how does that look like?
It can go multiple ways, they can come and cry to other people about how incredibly cruel, insensitive and selfish you are, not wanting to do this one thing to them, and how it's killing them, and ruining yours and everyone else's life. They'll often sprinkle in some lies about you, make you look cruel and twisted. They can come to your siblings, friends, relatives, family, and tell them something along the lines 'I know it's only right for them to do x, but they won't listen to me. However, they really value your opinion, and they might listen to you, please tell them to do x, it would be better for everyone.' This will make the person feel important and happy to be valued both by the abuser and you and to be given this important task of changing your mind, they'll become willing to do it. Or, if they go the crying and complaining route, the person will become annoyed that they're being vented on feel like it's your fault they're now having to deal with this. The abuser might also add imagined disasters and catastrophes that might happen, if you do as you want, and not follow their idea of how things should go.
This person, having been manipulated into thinking they're doing something good, will go and try to tell you that you're wrong for wanting to do what you want, sometimes they'll accuse you of being selfish, yell at you, defend the abuser's idea, pressure you, accuse you of being responsible for abuser's "upset" by acting this way, and will wholeheartedly try to convince you that following your own free will is a horrible, disastrous idea.
And for you, this now means you have to consider, and reconsider over and over again, if you have the right to make your own call, because now everyone in your life seems to be on the abuser's side, and insisting that what you want is stupid, selfish, inconsiderate, hurtful, wrong, potentially disastrous. This, of course, is not true, but the abusers want you in that spot, where everyone you know is against you and on their side, convincing you to just do as you're told, or else. This can sometimes create intense pressure and feeling like you're all alone in the world, like nobody cares about you, and that any decision you make will be beaten down by everyone involved. It can also make you pull down your own choices after having to consider over and over if it's possible that this choice could be selfish or in any way hurtful, and this is not how people normally make calls, it's something you do under intense pressure and scrutiny, which is there only because the abuser wanted it.
These choices can be anything from where you go to school, work, where you live, how you dress, who you date, what you buy, how to respond to others, what you do, how you act. Often they'll be about whether you give the abuser what they want from you, and whether you agree to talk to them or not. The biggest triangulations I've experienced in my life were done when I've refused to talk to the abusers, then they felt it was necessary to lie and manipulate every person I knew to pressure me into extending contact  - and all of those people have been lied to, and have been brought to a heavy emotional state in order to do a crazy thing like telling someone what to do. Normally people don't do such things, they understand it's not their place to dictate someone's personal decisions, not their call to make in somebody's life.
This is partly what makes the abusers so dangerous, not only they're willing  to cross that line themselves, but they're capable of making others cross it too, making their every whim seeming like a life emergency where all rules of freedom and privacy are null. This also puts you in a position where you're forced to doubt yourself, your every decision, and even your senses, to figure out if you could possibly be right, when everyone you know is telling you that you're wrong. They want you to be in that desperate mindset, doubting your own senses, memories, decisions. It's almost like a form of gaslighting, that everyone participates in.
Your choice is, of course, never wrong. You always have the freedom to make your own decisions, even if the entire world decides to attack you for it and to tell you that you're wrong. The entire shitshow is happening only because the abuser thinks what they want is more important than your free life and your quality of life, and they're willing to lie and push people into doing their bidding, just to bypass your free will. You don't have to doubt any of these decisions, because any choice you make is right, as long as you're the one who made it.
Being trapped in that space where it feels like everyone is against you, and on the abuser's side can be extremely isolating, painful and emotionally heavy. It can put you in a state where you feel abandoned and like you're wrong and evil for every decision you try to make. However, this isn't true, all of the people who are telling you that you're wrong, actually have no clue what's going on, and have been fed lies. Not that it hurts any less that they've betrayed you despite not even understanding the situation! It hurts badly. They've been naive enough to fall for a manipulation, and their moral standing weak enough to try and infringe on your freedom, and you didn't deserve that. They've aligned themselves with a person who has hurt you and is attempting to control you, and that feels terrible, like you're alone and helpless against a whole horde of people.
One thing you can do is point out how it's not their place to make this call, and ask them what they've been told in order to come and tell you something as inappropriate and hurtful like this. I can't claim it's going to work every time, but some people were taken aback when they were informed of some of the stuff the abuser just 'forgot to mention' when sending them into action. Sometimes even that won't make them back down, because it's embarrassing to accept that you've been manipulated into being someone's tool, and they'd rather insist they're completely in the right. It's a messed up game where you essentially can't win, the best you can do is stick to your decision and inform everyone who comes to pressure you, that you're not in fact, doing anything illegal and if they want to change your decision they'll have to bring out an army to force you.
Triangulation goes hand-in-hand with scapegoating, and will make you feel like a scapegoat. Even if a lot of people will fall for the abuser's manipulations, not all will, and this is not something that you'll need to endure all of your life, especially if you manage to cut contact with people who are easily manipulated – you don't owe them a presence in their life if they're aligned with an abuser. There are people out there who cannot be manipulated easily, and will stick to their morals and refuse to infringe on your freedom, even when told a bunch of lies.
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By Gregory E. Williams
With Nikki Haley out of the race, Trump and Biden are officially facing off in a presidential rematch. Both of these deeply unpopular politicians are attempting to get ahead by scapegoating migrants and refugees at the U.S.-Mexico border. In dueling publicity stunts, they both went to the border on Feb. 29., hundreds of miles apart in Texas. Despite the polarized rhetoric, there is little substantive difference between their approaches to immigration. 
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melblogsgfreethruptsd · 10 months
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💯
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honeybeeshepherd · 6 months
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We don’t talk enough about how the reason that the whole “Jews as Christ Killer” trope exists is because the Romans were actually the ones who Killed Christ, but that gets kind of awkward if you’re trying to, say, convert Romans, especially powerful Romans. And it gets especially awkward if you make your official state religion the one based off a guy you killed to keep the peace in one of your colonies.
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traumatizedjaguar · 6 months
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So what I learned about myself by researching these topics about abuse, collected from experts and therapists who work with complex trauma patients:
Betrayal Trauma is the name of what I went through in my household
Scapegoats are often betrayed by parents and I fit the scapegoat role
Scapegoats are often “truth tellers” and fight the family narrative
Scapegoats can be betrayed by one family member OR they can be betrayed by the whole family in which the family narrative is “we are all okay and right, and you (the scapegoat) is the crazy/wrong one.”
Scapegoats often have DARVO used against them (when the abusers in the family call the scapegoat the abuser, and the real abusers/parents call themselves the victims)
Scapegoat may feel betrayed, rejected, shamed, become a people pleaser, overly forgiving, may avoid relationships and end up isolating yourself from others
Some become dependent on the abusive family as an adult, slow to get ahead in life
Toxic shame is not just feeling ashamed, but YOU ARE shame (not really true, your brain lies to you). You think You Are Shame walking around on 2 legs. (How I feel and doing my research I understand it’s the trauma brain talking but I genuinely believe the lies). “I feel humiliated when I speak in front of others” “I feel humiliated for existing and taking space”
You could have had a fight response, challenge the abusers distorted, twisted view of reality. It causes exhaustion from challenging the family false narrative growing up. You may identify with being the “fighter.”
Family Systems expert Rebecca C. Mandeville explains adult survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) are impacted by Betrayal Trauma. She also explains the consequences of being rejected, shamed, and blamed by the people who were supposed to love and care for you the most.
Dr. Erin Watson’s article: The Duel Layers of Betrayal Trauma for Survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse.
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indelibleevidence · 25 days
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Gotta love how it's always 'people on benefits get too much money' and never 'governments need to legislate so that businesses pay employees enough money to live'.
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"Because without someone dying for your sins you might have to take personal responsibility for your own actions. God is not great. Religion poisons everything."
Believing that a magic man washes away your responsibility on behalf of the people you wronged is immoral.
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clatterbane · 4 months
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The drive to tackle “welfare spending” is less about solving an unemployment problem or even making vast savings and more a wink to voters: the Conservatives are on the side of the “hard-working” middle classes, not the scrounging benefits claimants stealing their taxes. Meanwhile, ministers can frame Labour as being a “soft touch” – or as Hunt cynically put it, a choice between making the sick work or more immigration.
This rhetoric is not an accident, of course. It is designed to cause resentment, to give the incendiary impression that hordes of benefits claimants are buying widescreen TVs and nightly takeaways while already squeezed taxpayers toil away to pay for it. In reality, the basic social security rate (now universal credit) is the lowest in real terms for 40 years, while our unemployment pay is the the stingiest in western Europe. This meagre support is worth even less now that food prices are up by 30% over the last two years and energy prices are two-thirds higher. Forget a bloated safety net that needs to be reined in. Many relying on social security can’t afford soap.
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joe-england · 5 months
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Watch "Let's talk about what fiction can teach us about politics...." on YouTube
youtube
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jamieandgeorgedashigz · 2 months
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This AI apocalypse has genuinely fallen out of hand. I guess I'm a bit worried for Nicole's fate, lol.
-Jamie
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lisablack000 · 3 months
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It's not because we don't want to bother you. It's because we know you can't change it or fix it or you're just another flying monkey in the making. Either way, scapegoats don't ask for help because we know better
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melblogsgfreethruptsd · 2 months
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Othering, scapegoating the vulnerable and minorities to distract from failings of the government has been around for centuries. It is one tradition that this government would do well not to continue. The brave speak out.
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creature-wizard · 8 months
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It’s common to scapegoat minorities for systemic issues in systems especially if they achieve some level of power.
See Obama and Clinton
Yup!
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traumatizedjaguar · 2 months
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"Scapegoats are used as a distraction. Were you blamed for things out of your control in childhood, how specifically? What was your function in your abusive family? Did your role distract from bigger things going on in the family? Did you become a catch-all for all the miserable feelings because the parents couldn't bother with getting better? Did your parents make an example out of you to train your siblings? Or keep an image going in the family that was unnecessary in the grand scheme of things? It was convenient for the adults to have a 'bad guy' instead of admitting they were failing as parents and covering up other bad things in the family system. It wasn't about me but they made it about me.
As a scapegoat I feel so indebted to the world, apologetic about me existing, and blaming myself for having basic needs."
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