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alirhi · 3 years

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Loki ranting

Okay. I had this thought in my head of like just compiling links of all the Loki shit I've posted/reblogged so far so that when I get into a conversation about the show and how it fucking disgusted me, I can just be like "here. here's this masterlist post, go read all this shit. This is my entire argument, and not only mine, but a lot of stuff posted by people far more intelligent and level-headed and eloquent than I am, whom I happen to agree with." Because the alternative is constantly getting fired up all over again, and that is exhausting.

BUT! I'm stupid and don't know how tumblr works. Apparently I can't just be like "give me all the Loki-tagged shit I've got" I can only search all the Loki-tagged shit on all of tumblr. And I'm not scrolling back through all of my posts. I talk too fucking much for that shit 😂

So, I'll try to remember all of my grievances with how the MCU has treated Loki, and all of the excellent posts made by other, equally upset fans, and put it all together here under this nice, neat little cut for everyone else's sanity and scrolling convenience...

For people who actually read my shit fairly regularly - bless you, you crazy, patient people. I love you! - this is going to be a lot of repetition of shit you've already read. Probably at least twice. I'm passionate and I have a terrible memory lol. Sorry.

Anyway, first, for those who don't know me and haven't been following my explosions of rage for the past couple of months, some quick background: I do not read comic books, so Loki's Marvel comic canon means nothing to me. I know almost nothing about it. The reason I'm so in love with the character in the MCU is because I am an eclectic witch and the deity I've actively loved and worshiped the longest in my life (literally for as long as I can remember) is Loki. So when he was mentioned in The Mask, I squeed. When they named Matt Damon's character after him in Dogma, I cheered.

When Thor came out in 2011, I just about died from happiness. I was hungry for any representation of this underappreciated god, no matter what it was. I didn't even bitch about how underpowered he was, because at least he was there. But I'm getting slightly ahead of myself.

I can hear anyone reading this going "Why Loki? Isn't he, like, evil? Like basically the Norse version of The Devil?" Because I heard all this shit irl all the fucking time. And no. So let me give you a quick rundown of who Loki actually is.

Loki is a Trickster God. He's often referred to as the God of Mischief. He is not and never was evil, simply chaotic and hedonistic. Loki Laufeyjarson was the son of Laufey (that's mama; they changed her to a man for some reason in the movie) and Fárbauti. Right from the start, from his name, we get a sign of how Loki goes against traditional norms of the time, because in Norse culture, families were patrilineal, and surnames were "son/daughter of father" (which would have made him Loki Fárbautitason), not the mother. But Loki's surname is matrilineal. Feminist icon woo! lol

Though he's a Jotunn, Loki is counted among the Gods (Aesir) in Norse tradition. Depending on his mood, he is alternately helpful or disruptive to the other Gods. I'm not gonna sit and teach a whole text class on him lol but I'll use my favorite example of Misunderstood Loki - the conception of Sleipnir!

So, get this shit. This is also part of why I DO NOT follow Odin and never fucking will (a very small part, but still part of the reason). So, the other Norse Gods are petty motherfuckers, and they wanted some shit built but didn't want to pay the dude doing the building. So they were like "okay, if you can get it done in X amount of time, we'll pay you, but if you can't manage it NO MATTER WHAT, this whole thing is free." And they made sure he had NO help, nothing but him, his materials, and his Very Good Horsey. And this guy and his horse were fucking BAMFs. So it was looking like he was definitely gonna get it done in time, and Odin was like "nah, fuck that shit. I'm cheap." and so he sent Loki to distract the work horse. Loki transformed into a mare and lured the horse away, got fucked, got pregnant, gave birth to the 8-legged (for some reason) horse Sleipnir. Odin rides Loki's son into battle. Um. Kay.

So Loki helped Odin be a petty mf, and Odin got himself a new pet out of the deal.

Oh, also, because he's smart af and a shapeshifter and a master magician and genderfluid, Loki "fails" to fit the super fucking toxic and narrow Norse/Aesir view of "a real man". He prefers intelligence and manipulation to solve problems rather than violence, he's not afraid to behave like a clown if it gets shit done, and that grosses the Aesir out, so they constantly ridicule him for being "less than a man".

Loki is the God of the outcast and the misunderstood. The marginalized people from all walks of life. He is the God of the LGBT community. In modern terms, he's pansexual, polyamorous (married to Sigyn and they are deeply in love, but boy gets around and I've never seen any indication that Sigyn gives a shit) and genderfluid.

Okay. Focus, Ali. This is part of why I usually post multiple rants instead of one big long one XD The longer I ramble, the more I get sidetracked and forget the original point.

So. Loki's awesome, and being a Trickster, is powerful as all fucking hell. There's not much he can't do.

And now we come to Thor (the movie, not the deity). Loki's there! 24-year-old Ali is spazzing! All is right with the world!

Oh lord, they've actually done him justice?! Amazing! He's complex and nuanced and emotional, just like the real Loki! I loved this movie. Loved. It. The climactic thing with trying to blow up Jotunheim never really made much sense to me until someone made an excellent point the other day about Loki being raised in a racist society that was racist against his own race, he just didn't know it yet, poor child. Baby Thor was never corrected when he pledged to commit mass genocide, so Baby Loki probably absorbed the lesson then that Jotunns=evil and killing them all will win his father's love. Anyway, 2011 Loki was a beautiful, heartbreaking portrayal of the God I've loved all my life and spent 24 years longing to see depicted on the big screen.

Then The Avengers happened. And I saw another Loki very close to Norse mythology - mainly, how he's treated. In the beginning of the movie, he's sick, exhausted, and in pain. He can hardly stand, he stumbles and needs help when he walks. He was very obviously tortured, and the sickly blue light of the scepter's control is in his eyes. That gets less and less pronounced as the movie goes on, showing Loki working his way free of it, but in the beginning, he's a mess. Because he was tortured and used by Thanos. Marvel directly confirmed this, and that he was under the scepter's/Mind Stone's control. Loki's actions are not his own in The Avengers. He's under both threat and Thanos' direct control. The movie actually shows The Other directly threatening him to keep him on task, because this is not Loki's plan. It is not what he wants. He's being used and villainized... Just like in real life. It hurt to see this done to him, but the accuracy was too beautiful to ignore.

Thor: The Dark World comes out. I've heard people complain that this movie is the weak link in the Thor trilogy. I disagree. I think that's Ragnarok, for a bunch of reasons, but we'll get there. (And for the record, I loved Ragnarok, too. It was a funny movie. Infinity War and the Disney+ series are the only portrayals of Loki in the MCU that I truly fucking hated.) Anyway, good, fun movie. Had its faults, as all movies do, but it still followed Loki's real-life arc in a way. How? By having Loki dragged back to Asgard in chains and imprisoned underground. Again, not super happy that this happened to my love, and having to see it on screen was painful, but at least in the MCU he's not chained to a rock with venom dripping on his face for eternity, so there's that. (poor Sigyn. how tired do her arms get, holding up that bowl? best wife ever, amirite?)

In TDW, we're shown Loki's love for Frigga, who favored him and taught him magic as a child. We see his bravado; his attempts to mask his true feelings, especially grief. We see him slowly coming back to himself after the events of The Avengers, and slowly mending his relationship with his brother. He accepts that Odin will likely never love him, but Thor just might, because they were close when they were young. "I didn't do it for him." No, no my sweet, you did it for your brother, and a little out of guilt for what happened to your mother.

At the end, Loki fakes his death and escapes, taking the throne, and I have mixed feelings about this. Not the writer's choices here; I love that completely! A natural progression in Loki's story. But my joy is tainted by how closely they're following the Eddas now. Because Loki's escape from his prison heralds the beginning of Ragnarok. And Loki will die in Ragnarok. I don't want to see that play out in front of my face. I won't be able to handle the grief (spoiler alert! IW broke me. I almost walked out of the theater. Loki's death was legitimately fucking traumatic for me. I don't even care how pathetic that is. That grief was real, it was intense, and I still shake and cry when I think about it.)

Marvel announces that Thor 3 will be called Ragnarok. The internet treats this as a shocking revelation. I roll my eyes and mumble "duh" to myself and move on XD

Then they say Ragnarok will be a buddy comedy. I throw up a little in my mouth and no longer want to live on this planet. If they're going to make something called Ragnarok, could they at least treat it with even a fraction of the respect they've shown these characters thusfar? Jfc. I mean, I'll see it anyway, because I'm a whore for Tom Hiddleston lol. But come on, people!

I hated that they made Hel the long-lost older sister and Fenrir her fucking pet/attack dog. Those are my favorites of Loki's children! Hel is such an incredible badass that the early Christians named their dimension of eternal torture after her! They were terrified of her, to the point of naming the place that terrified them most after her. That's awesome! And Fenrir's just the best. I love wolves. Those two details, and Odin's retcon of "we're not Gods! ...lol, except your sister. she's totally a Goddess. and def gonna kill literally everything, so... good luck! byyyeeeee" pissed me off royally.

The rest was great. I genuinely liked this movie. Still do. And they finally used The Immigrant Song! That was pretty cool. If they'd thrown in Bring the Hammer Down and Thunderstruck, I might've called this movie perfect. XD

I wasn't totally in love with their portrayal of Loki in Ragnarok. Yes, the falling for 30 minutes line was funny, as was "I have to get off this planet" and "YES! That's how it feels!" And "Get Help" was funny as hell. But also, like... There is no way Loki would have been the dumb one in that first encounter with Hela. Also, he can teleport and project copies of himself and shit, so... He would not have been that desperate to go straight back to Asgard and bring her right along with them. Loki's not stupid. But whatever. Movie's gotta movie.

What I did love was seeing the slow mending of his relationship with Thor continuing, and the badass fighting on the bridge. I also loved that, like Real Loki, Movie Loki helped when help was needed, was quick and clever, and while he was carrying out the main plan, he was also planning ahead and grabbing the Tesseract. Yes, that drew Thanos right to them, but that's a whole other thing. Loki never would have left that thing on Asgard to be destroyed or lost.

And now Infinity War. Hooooly fucking shit. You know what? No. I'm not going into this. He was killed, years of character growth were erased forever, my heart fucking shattered. The end.

Endgame. IW hurt me so bad I didn't see Endgame until this year. I actually watched Civil War first (for context: I had actively avoided all Cap movies until this year because I fucking hate Steve Rogers. I find him insufferable. Did not realize what I was denying myself until I watched CW and finally saw the charms of Bucky. When he appeared in IW, I was so lost. XD I was like "...who dis? Murder Jesus?" also I just... didn't care. I was numb by then from crying through most of the movie over Loki)

So, anyway. Endgame. Loki picks up the Tesseract in alternate 2012, escapes, fans go "yay! he didn't actually die!" I go "yes he fucking did. Five years of his life, gone. Five years of growth and change, erased. Loki is dead. This will not be the same."

I was more right than I could have predicted. Now we come to the point of this rant. Sorry it took so long, but you were warned lol.

The Loki series makes me so angry I actually get sick to my stomach. It was fucking TRASH. When I praised Marvel for following Norse mythology so faithfully earlier? Yeah. I DID NOT MEAN TREAT HIM THE WAY THE OTHER GODS DID. I did not mean paint him as a pitiful clown, a joke, a caricature of who he truly was, with his pain and suffering played for LAUGHS.

This is supposed to be 2012 Loki, newly freed from Thanos' control. The Loki we saw in the beginning of TDW - snarky, exhausted, nihilistic. The Loki who rolled his eyes and said "get on with it" expecting to be killed.

The bumbling clown flipping on a dime from posturing to calling himself weak is not 2012 Loki. That is not ANY Loki. That is Tom Hiddleston in a black wig doing what he's told by a shitty writer who had no fucking idea what he was doing and was salty about his (bad) original script (for something totally fucking unrelated) getting killed.

In Episode 1, Loki is mocked, imprisoned, stripped against his will, tormented, belittled, and given a flippant summary of all the trauma Actual MCU Loki suffered that this one skipped out on, with no context, no acknowledgement of the trauma he's already lived quite fucking recently, and with the narrative twisted to not only erase all the abuse he's suffered, but to make it all his fault. And this is supposed to make him want to help these people?

And worse, IT FUCKING WORKS. WHAT?! I CAN'T- FUCKING WHAT?! Remember when I said LOKI IS NOT FUCKING STUPID?! So why is he STUPID?

Episode 2, he's a child. Mentally, this Loki is a fucking child. Now we've erased all the growth and development of his entire adult life. He's dopey, impatient, impulsive, desperate for a pat on the back and actually shows it. Yes, abused and neglected children crave the positive attention we never received, and we often grow up to be a bit emotionally stunted. But not all of us, and not Loki. Not as we've seen him EVER in the rest of the MCU. Playful and a bit callous at times? Absolutely! But not a big dumb fucking puppy.

Episode 3, a ray of hope, despite Sylvie! (I hate Sylvie) Loki casually admits he's pan/bi; labels never come up, but he admits to being with both men and women! He sings! Not really relevant to whether I approve of his portrayal or not lol but Tom has a beautiful voice, Norwegian ("Asgardian" lol) is a gorgeous, entrancing language, and I could watch that one bit on loop for eternity and never get bored. And then, finally, we see a glimpse - a glimpse - of Loki's power! He stops a falling building and pushes it right back up! Are we finally getting to see what he can really do? Will the next episode bring us Loki in all his glory?

Nope. 4 and 5 we see him mocked and pushed around and utterly irrelevant. Again. We see tiny reflections of what he could maybe theoretically do in other random Loki variants, but the "main" (lawl. main. it was the Sylvie and Mobius show. Loki was never the main anything.) Loki? Nothing. He wears his heart on his sleeve for no reason, bonds with the man who imprisoned, taunted, and gaslit him, is killed, and continues to be a moron and a joke. Always the clown. Always the dumb one. The one with the bad ideas. The inferior Loki.

Don't even get me started on that finale. I can't. This already took so much out of me. Fuck Marvel. Fuck this fucking show. I just... I'm done.

#loki #loki spoilers #loki series #loki negativity #loki hate #thor 2011 #the dark world #ragnarok #the avengers #infinity war #endgame #fuck sylvie #fuck marvel #fuck disney #this show sucked #ragepost #rant #long post #ali is angry

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thelordofdarkreunion · 3 years

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A List of Things the Scoundrels Are No Longer Allowed to Do

So, I have recently read “A List of Things Skippy Isn’t Allowed to Do in the Army” and “A List of Things Dr. Bright isn’t allowed to do at the SCP Foundation”, and I decided to do a version of my own. Some of these are taken from these other two lists. If anyone who reads this you has any ideas for the list, feel free to add them.

The group known as the Magnificent Scoundrels has gotten a bit out of hand. This list was compiled by Admiral Hackett of the Systems Alliance, Admiral Kelly of the GA, Fleet Admiral Hood of the UNSC, Inquisitor Vail of the Holy Inquisition, Commander Briggs of the Frontier Militia, Princess Leia of the New Republic, and Director Fury of SHIELD in order to curb the Scoundrels’ more dangerous or inappropriate behaviors. These rules apply to all Scoundrels and their teams/crews.

1. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to call SPARTAN super soldiers “big boys”.

2. The Better Business Bureau is not the correct agency for handling people who smuggle Sith holocrons.

3. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase “I am in need of a new host body” within earshot of Imperial Inquisitors.

4. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to bargain personnel for their “souls”. Even if they say they can get you a good deal.

5. Government equipment is not to be used to bootleg pornography.

6. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to cite Kevin McCallister from Home Alone as a credible source for anti-personnel tactics in official documents.

7. The rumor that Adam Vir wears heelies while in official dress uniform is a blatant lie.

8. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send spam emails to Ceberus. Even if it is funny.

9. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to apply mind control devices to major political figures.

10. Thomas Drake is no longer allowed to use time travel devices. Especially if his reasoning is to “screw with those history nerds.”

11. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use telepaths to alter or affect the outcomes of reality based television shows.

12. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to trade government property for liquor.

13. “I was bored” is not a valid excuse.

14. The Scoundrels are not allowed to begin a crusade without the written permission of the Imperial Inquisition.

15. Thanos is not to be referred to as “Biggy T”.

16. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use fan conventions as recruitment drives.

17. Any proposal which includes the phrase “metric fuck load” is to be denied.

18. The video game Doom is not a credible source.

19. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to allow Starfleet red shirts to be possessed by daemons or ancient Sith Lords.

20. When researching time travel, please refer to the work of the IMC’s ARES Division or the Starfleet, not Doctor Who, Back to the Future, or Call of Duty Zombies.

21. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to to accept or use any of the following as currency:

Your soul

Anyone else’s soul

Firstborn children

Memories

Memes

Blood

Organs

Virginity

Ponies

Eldritch Artifacts

22. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to join any communist party for any reason. (Note from Thomas Drake- Hell yeah. Those guys suck.)

23. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to join any fascist party for any reason. (Note from Thomas Drake- Hell yeah. Those guys suck too.)

24. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to join the Imperial Cult, unless they are an already practicing member. (Note from Thomas Drake- LONG LIVE OUR GLORIOUS LEADER THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MAN AND IF YOU ARE AN INQUISITOR PLEASE NOTE I HAVE NEVER SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE EMPEROR EVER.)

25. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to taunt the Asari about how bad they are at fighting wars.

26. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to chew gum during staff meetings, unless they brought enough for everybody.

27. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to chew gum during staff meetings, even if they did bring enough for everyone.

28. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Volus’s as bowling pins or bowling balls.

29. While we do not have jurisdiction over him and thus cannot prevent their sale, none of the other Scoundrels are to purchase or proquire experimental drugs from Thomas Drake.

30. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to imply that their superior officers served in World War II. They aren’t that old.

31. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use military vehicles to “squish” things.

32. Surprisingly enough, or, perhaps not, considering what’s on there, downloading the entirety of 4chan into a Geth Colossus did, in fact, shut it down.

33. Loudspeaker systems are not to be used to broadcast the soundtracks of porno movies.

34. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to drink copious amounts of food coloring before urine tests.

35. When operating military vehicles, the Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt “something I saw in a cartoon”.

36. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

37. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make s’mores while on guard duty.

38. The Illuminati are not a part of the chain of command.

39. Pants are not optional parts of a dress uniform.

40. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”. (Note from Peter Quill- They were pretty cool though.)

41. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to call medics “Dr. Feelgood” unless Feelgood is the medic’s actual last name.

42. The God-Emperor of Mankind is not to be referred to as “Big Daddy E” or “The Lord of Bling”.

43. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to take the batteries from other peoples alarm clocks.

44. Unless you are a certified Titan Pilot, you are not allowed to pilot a Titan.

45. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

46. “Challenge accepted” is not a valid excuse for anything.

47. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to claim that they are reincarnations of famous historical figures without proof.

48. Thomas Drake is a human mercenary. He does not possess any of the following:

Laser eyes

Laser nostrils

Laser [CENSORED]

An adamantium skeleton

A map leading to “all of the Nazi gold”

Mjolnir

The Kronorium

The Necronomicon

The Book of Magnus

“The touch”

“The power”

“The secret”

“The 6th sense”

The ability to distinguish between butter and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!

49. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to start theological debates between members of the Imperial Cult and the Covenant.

50. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mock Stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire over how bad their aim is. Even if their aim is bad.

51. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hold “Jamaican vacation giveaways”.

52. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sell counterfeit Infinity Stones.

53. Pictures of other Scoundrels in compromising positions are not to be put on the internet. Or the extra- or holo- net.

54. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to “water” Vrul. While they do get their energy from photosynthesis, they are not plants.

55. The Scoundrels are not “the final bosses” of anything.

56. The Scoundrels must try not to antagonize SPECTREs, Inquisitors, or ODSTs.

57. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

58. There are no evil clowns living under your bed.

59. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to form press gangs.

60. The Scoundrels are not the kings or queens of cheese.

61. If the thought of something makes you giggle for more than 15 seconds, you are to assume you aren’t allowed to do it.

62. Crucifixes do not ward off superior officers, and you should not test that.

63. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mount bayonets on heavy machine guns.

64. Try and keep all mockery of the press at an appropriate minimum.

65. You cannot imply your CO is possessed by anything.

66. You cannot trade your CO to the Covenant.

67. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use government resources to waterproof dirty magazines.

68. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

69. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

70. “I was drunk” is not a valid or appropriate excuse.

71. Mandalorian armor is not part of any of our governments’ full dress uniforms.

72. You should not yell “Kobe!” when blowing up enemy starships.

73. The “revolution” is not now.

74. Unless you are in extremely dire circumstances, you are not allowed to eat your uniform.

75. Body checking General officers is not a good idea.

76. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell police officers that belt-fed machine guns are “medicinal”.

77. If you check the box marked “Other” on official documents, you have to fill it out.

78. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to fill prescription drug bottles with M&M’s or Mike and Ike’s.

79. None of the Scoundrels possesses a name that, when spoken aloud, can kill.

80. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to challenge anyone to a duel.

81. The proper response to a briefing is not “that’s what you think”.

82. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to end official reports with Sabaton lyrics. Or lyrics from any metal band, for that matter.

83. The phrase “to conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not to be said.

84. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to appeal to humanity’s baser instincts on recruitment posters.

85. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to N7’s Iron Eye Soldiers Space Marines janitors anyone as “the cool kids”.

86. None of the Scoundrels have “won the internet” and are not authorized to declare that they or any other individual or individuals have done so.

87. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use redacted data in official reports as “mad-libs”.

88. The following are not appropriate sources for new crew members:

Temp agencies

Reality show talent pools

“Orphans”

“Urchins”

“Ragmuffins”

“Those sons of bitches who I know had a stacked deck”

Ex-girlfriends

Ex-boyfriends

Ex-partners of any variation whatsoever

Forum trolls

“Angsty teens”

89. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sneak links to Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up into official reports.

90. None of the Scoundrels possess “voodoo powers”.

91. “Why not?” is not a valid excuse.

92. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make masturbation jokes when in the presence of official dignitaries.

93. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to play the song Thriller when in the presence of anything that could be considered a zombie, which includes but is not limited to Curse of Unbelief victims, Vrul Zombies, and Reaper Husks.

94. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase “elephant sauce”.

95. “No shirt, no shoes, no service” does not imply that undergarments are unnecessary.

96. The following words and phrases may not be used in marching cadence:

Budding sexuality

Necrophilia

I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead

Lubrication

Your mama

All Marines are latent homosexuals

Tantric yoga

Gotterdammerung

We’ve all got jackboots now

Any references to squid

97. You can’t have flashbacks to wars you weren’t in.

98. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis the world is going to end, more than once.

99. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to take or place bets on what would happen if the Tyranids fought the Flood.

100. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the Enterprise’s transporters to steal things.

101. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the phrase “We fight for Mother Russia!”

102. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sing the National Anthem of the Soviet Union when entering or exiting buildings.

103. Adam Vir is no longer allowed to claim that “PTSD is just spicy nostalgia.”

104. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to try and get kidnapped by the Dark Eldar.

105. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to try to figure out a way to bring back the Protheans and the Forerunners so they can fight each other.

106. Drax the Destroyer is no longer allowed to claim that he can become invisible just by standing still.

107. Please do not confuse the primarchs of the Turian Hierarchy with the Primarchs of the Imperium of Man.

108. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to Admiral Ackbar or any other member of the Mon Calamari race as “those calamari boys”.

109. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to address their superior officers as “bro”.

110. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to try and sell major political figures to Trazyn the Infinite.

111. Peter Quill is not a god.

112. Please refrain from using nicknames when referring to the Avengers, which includes but is not limited to calling Captain America “the spangly dude”, Thor “sparky guy”, Iron Man “my homie”, and Captain Marvel “Her”.

113. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Titans as personal valets.

114. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to contact the Shadow Realm.

115. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to to steal artifacts from any of the following:

Luke Skywalker

Shadow Revenant

The Collector

Trazyn the Infinite

General Marder

The Adeptus Mechanicus

116. Thomas Drake is not allowed to be near any weapon capable of producing an explosive force greater than ten megatonnes.

117. Do not ever challenge a Klingon to a duel.

118. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to flip off Force ghosts.

119. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the phrase “It’s boogaloo time!”

120. The Scoundrels are to stop introducing A.I.’s to the teachings of the Cult Mechanicus.

121. The Scoundrels are to stop referring to Thomas Drake as “Our Glorious Overlord.”

122. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send porn to the Shadow Broker. This is the ninth hit on you guys we’ve had to stop.

123. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to the crewmates or superiors of any of the other Scoundrels as “extremely hot”. Even if they are.

124. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say that they are “super gay for Loki”.

125. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to pit a biotic, psyker, and Force-sensitive against each other just to “see what happens”.

126. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use this list as a resume.

127. The Scoundrels shall not may not begin their sentences with “thou shalt not”.

128. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send videos of “the sax guy” to the Borg.

129. Jack Cooper does not have “tons of gold” hidden somewhere on the destroyed planet of Typhon.

130. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell Jedi or Astra Telepathica recruits “You’re a wizard, Harry”.

131. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to stand in the corner and twiddle their thumbs.

132. “YOLO” is not a valid excuse for anything.

133. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use this list as a to-do list.

134. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to replicate the experiments of Edward Richtofen from Call of Duty Zombies. Or the experiments of any other insane fictional doctor.

135. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to throw themselves through windows “to prove that the glass is unbreakable” for any reason whatsoever.

136. “Because reasons” is not a viable excuse.

137. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to anyone else as “peasant” or “plebeian”.

138. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell new personnel fictional horror stories involving their families.

140. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell new personnel factual horror stories involving their families.

141. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to taunt eldritch beings imprisoned within artifacts.

142. Speedos are not part of formal attire.

143. If Ciaphas Cain is telling you a story about his exploits, he is exaggerating what he did, downplaying what he did, outrageously lying about what he did, and telling the complete truth about what he did all at the same time.

144. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to sell fictional stocks to the Tesraki or Ferengi.

145. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to defraud the stock exchange.

146. No religious deity is allowed to contradict orders from a superior officer.

147. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to dress up as each other.

148. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make pin-up calendars. Especially of each other.

149. Vulcan nerve pinches do not work on Chaos Space Marines.

150. Shepard and Agent Coulson are not allowed to form a “Technically Undead Club”.

151. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to unmask members of the Mandalorian extremist cult known as ‘The Watch’.

152. Unless you want to lose nine months pay in twenty minutes, do not play cards with Han Solo, Ciaphas Cain, John Shepard, or Thomas Drake.

153. At all times, you should try and stay away from Revenant, Loki, and Cypher.

154. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to re-create scenes from Pulp Fiction.

155. Do not fake heart attacks around Dr. Krill. The poor guy is stressed enough as is.

156. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to challenge Thomas Drake and Liara T’Soni to a “who knows more secrets” game. Lord Inquisitor Hector Rex was very displeased when Drake stole the Grimoire of True Names. (Note from Amberley Vail- How the hell did he manage to get his hands on that?)

157. Thomas Drake is no longer allowed to steal things from the Imperium of Man or the Jedi Order, considering the consequences of such artifacts being in the wrong hands. (Note from Thomas Drake- Of course. I would never…)

158. It is not a good idea to piss off any Scoundrel that considers themselves an information broker.

159. Introducing the Black Templars to heavy metal was, in retrospect, a bad idea.

160. Any ancient alien technology should be submitted to the proper authorities, not sold on Ebay.

161. Challenging a Klingon, Sangheili, or Drev to a duel is a horrible idea. As already mentioned. However, challenging a Custodian to a duel is suicidal.

162. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Tony Stark’s nicknames for anyone.

163. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use telepaths in casinos.

164. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to start “prank wars”.

165. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sell themselves or any part of themselves to Trazyn the Infinite.

166. Be warned. If you challenge any of the Scoundrels to do something sexual, they will most likely do it.

167. Do not challenge John-117 or John Shepard to a drinking game. They cannot get drunk. You will die of alcohol poisoning before they’re even a little tipsy.

168. While several of the Scoundrels are members of highly elite military forces, none of them are members of any of the following:

The Swiss Guard

The 101st Airborne Division

The Winged Hussars

The Immortals

Napoleon’s Imperial Guard

The SAS

The 62nd Red Army

Spetznaz

The CIA

The KGB

169. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to kidnap penguins.

170. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mount bayonets on bayonets.

171. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hand over annoying journalists to the Borg.

172. Do not ever say the phrase “What’s the worst that could happen?”

173. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hold contests to see who can cause more of these rules to be created.

174. Adam Vir is to stop bringing new alien species onboard the Omen as pets.

175. The Scoundrels are surprisingly creative when it comes to revenge. Don’t piss them off.

176. Unless you are a Space Marine or Sister of Battle, “Deus Vult” is not a valid excuse.

177. If you need upgrades to your weapons and gear, please use the engineers on your team or other government approved individuals.

178. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to host their own version of the Hunger Games.

179. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to quote Monty Python.

180. No matter how good they are with technology, the Scoundrels are no longer allowed to get any members of the following species to upgrade their gear:

Protheans

Forerunners

Necrons

Eldar

Rakata

181. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to summon any of the following beings to the material universe or into space ruled by any of our governments:

The Nightbringer

Darth Nihilus

Lord Vitiate

The Old Ones

The Kwa

The Reapers

Deus

The Dominion

Any C’tan

Any individual or entity associated with the Ruinous Powers

Shadow Revenant

182. If you ask them to, most of the Scoundrels will, in fact, “draw you like one of their French girls”.

183. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to bring members of extremely logical-minded species to modern art museums.

184. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to seduce diplomats.

185. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to yell “Ramming speed!” when at the controls of their starships.

186. There is only one God-Emperor of Mankind, and none of the Scoundrels are it.

187. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Batarian soldiers as target practice.

188. The Imperial Inquisition encourages the Scoundrels to use heretics as target practice.

189. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to initiate random fire drills.

190. Shepard is no longer allowed to lord his SPECTRE status over Alliance enlisted personnel or other “lesser beings”.

191. Adam Vir is not allowed to tell fictional horror stories about Operation Steel Eye.

192. Adam Vir is not allowed to tell factual horror stories about Operation Steel Eye.

193. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase “We ride at dawn!”.

194. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to pool their resources to buy any starship over a kilometer long.

195. THE SCOUNDRELS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO STEAL STAR DESTROYERS OR ANY OTHER STARSHIP OVER A KILOMETER IN LENGTH.

196. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make clones of each other.

197. None of the Scoundrels have holidays named after them. (Addendum: Cain does, on the planet of Perelia.)

198. The Scoundrels are encouraged to stay away from the planet Perelia.

199. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to their crew as “my glorious minions”.

200. John-117 is no longer allowed to attempt orbital reentry with nothing but his suit of armor.

201. Do not imply that Caiphas Cain and Amberley Vail are in a relationship, because, no matter how probable it may seem, Amberley will kill you.

202. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sell toasters to the Adeptus Mechanicus.

203. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hold “Casual Fridays”.

204. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use jetpacks.

205. Don’t try to blackmail Drake. The last time someone tried to do this, it was with his sexual history. He laughed in their face and personally published the video on the internet. His public approval rating then went up 30%.

206. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to replicate the experiments of the Vault-Tech Corporation from the Fallout video game series.

207. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to play Triumphal March whenever they enter or exit a room.

208. None of the Scoundrels are to be allowed anywhere near a lightsaber.

209. None of the Scoundrels are allowed or authorized to knight anyone.

210. None of the Scoundrels are allowed to edit this list.

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kitcat992 · 5 years

Note

I don’t know what grief feels like, since I thankfully haven’t lost anyone yet (apart from family dogs when I was 7) but I feel like ever since tony died, I’ve been kinda mourning like he was a real person? I didn’t cry during the movie, but I cried when I saw a compilation of him and his daughter. it’s just,,like a deep rooted sadness and emptiness whenever I see posts of him. I miss him sm

That’s grief, my friend. And it’s okay. It’s okay to grieve fictional characters. We spend a lot of our time thinking about them, daydreaming about them, creating fan content involving them – that makes them very real to us. I spend a lot of time in my head with these characters and that makes “losing” them all the harder.

The best advice I can give is to take this experience and observe how it affects you so that come the death of a “real life” family member or friend, you’re self-aware of how to cope. Grief is funny in a way that it strips you of your most basic common sense. Suddenly you forget that you need to eat, or sleep, or you over sleep or over eat. You get cranky, you get mad, you get sad and sometimes all at once. You gotta trudge through these nasty emotions to actually recover from them.

Let yourself feel sad about Tony. He’s real to you just as he’s real to me. And he’s never really gone – he’ll always be around in IM1, IM2, Avengers, IM3, Age of Ultron, Civil War, Spider-man: Homecoming, Infinity War and if you choose to not disown it as part of the franchise, Endgame. That’s the one benefit to the death of a fictional character – they still exists somewhere. You can plop right down in a timeline of your choosing and enjoy his character as if Endgame never existed.

Besides, fan content rarely ever dies with a character. I’ve been in plenty of fandoms where the canon writers kill off a character but the fans? The fans never let go.

#endgame spoilers #endgame critique #tony stark #ironman #endgame

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the-everlasting-dream · 5 years

Text

Her Pain - Drake x MC (x?)

Summary: Drake attempts to support his wife during a trying time in her life.

A/N: Based on real events because the only way I know how to deal with this is by putting it in a fic apparently...

Word Count: 1200+

Warnings: Swearing

Tags: @chantelle-x0x , @choicessa, @meeraaverywalker , @drakewalkerwhipped , @quartzandarrow , @mfackenthal , @srawesleyghuewrites , @topsyturvy-dream , @enmchoices , @gardeningourmet @debramcg1106 , @alesana45 , @meladoridarcy, @blackcatkita , @tmarie82 , @annekebbphotography , @lizk77 , @jayjay879 , @tornbetween2loves , @akrenich , @theroyalweisme , @likethetailofacomet , @sleepwalkingelite , @littleblossom-18 , @ooo-barff-ooo

TRR only: @speedyoperarascalparty , @carabeth , Drake: @fairydustandsarcasm

Drake was getting worried.

Very very worried.

He’d never seen Elizabeth like this before.

Exactly 52 minutes earlier he had been sitting on the couch, reading when he heard an unearthly screech resonating from their bedroom upstairs. Like the good husband he was, he’d immediately raced up to see what was the matter. However he had barely gotten a chance to glimpse at Elizabeth’s grief stricken face with tears streaming down before she'd slammed the door. He had heard her thick sobs filtering through the thick wood and every cell in his body was on red alert.

But he didn’t push.

Today was the day.

He’d known it for the last week. And now he knew she needed this.

She had to get it out of her system and there was nothing he could do but wait. The waiting was the worst. He felt useless, powerless to do anything while the woman he loved was in pain. If he could have done anything, he would have. He would give his left arm to see Elizabeth smile again.

When her sobs had died down and all he could hear was quiet whimpering, Drake got to his feet, scouring the kitchen for something, anything he could do to provide comfort even though he knew it would be futile. There was no swift recovery from what she had just been through. Armed with Oreos and warm milk - his wife’s favourite snack as well as a variety of randomly assorted foods including chilli flakes, murukhu (Indian snack), banana chips, ice cream and Reeces, he tentatively knocked at the bedroom door.

‘Liz, its me.’

No answer.

‘Talk to me please.’

Still no answer.

'I'm coming in okay? I’ve got snacks'

Drake sighed and turned the knob, every hair on end in anticipation for what he would find on the other side. The bed was a mess, pillows strew everywhere, one end of the fitted sheet coming undone while a four months pregnant Elizabeth Walker sat in the middle a giant quilt wrapped around her, hair balanced in a precarious bun, eyes staring blankly into space as she rocked herself gently back and forth, humming a tuneless song. Drake winced at the sight. It was worse that he’d imagined. He cautiously approached the scene, laying the snacks down on the bed as a peace offering or a shield in between them, whichever one would keep him out of trouble.

‘I just want them to be happy Drake,’ she choked out eventually. ‘Why don’t people understand that?’ Her voice escalated to a pitiful whine 'Why is everything pain?'

'Liz I know you're upset...'

'I'm not upset Drake!' Her dark eyes flashed angrily at him. 'I am devastated. De-vas-ta-ted….There is no good in this world and eventually we will all be sucked into oblivion where nothing exists. Nihil!'

That's a bit dramatic. Wisely he kept his mouth shut, knowing it was the pregnancy hormones talking now and arguing would make it worse.

'When Captain American loses hope this world is doomed!' She wailed, face crumbling as she grabbed the Oreos. 'DOOMED!'

Drake sighed in defeat, eyes straying to the laptop sitting in front of his wife where the trailer for Avengers: Endgame was paused.

‘Babe-‘

‘Tony has half a day of oxygen left.. He’s going to die but not if I die first! I didn’t like what he did in Civil War but that doesn’t mean he has to be sentenced to a lonely death in space!’

Elizabeth was on a roll now and there was no stopping her now. ‘Peter is missing. Shuri is missing - two of the brightest mind in our time just - POOF! Did you see Clint’s face!? He probably saw all his family incinerated right before his eyes,’ she heaved a huge gasping sob before wailing out loud.

'And Steve, omg Ste-e-e-eve, Steven, my child, my baby. He’s so precious, that sweet cinnamon roll. He was crying Drake! He needs his Bucky back…'

‘Bucky-‘ She let out another huge sob. ‘My husbaa-a-a-andd.’

‘I thought I was your husband,’ Drake joked weakly but Elizabeth’s glare contained enough venom to reduce his smile to dust on the spot.

‘When you have piercing blue eyes, a metal arm and a beautiful, broken backstory and a character arc so powerful that it transcends the 43 measly minutes you’ve been cheated with, you can talk to me. Bucky Barnes deserves to be protected at all costs, you can fight me on it,’ she threatened menacingly and Drake almost gulped.

He definitely knew not to challenge his wife on this.

‘Don’t even get me started on Loki,’ Elizabeth burst out, flopping back on the bed. ‘I just wanna wrap him and Thor up in this blanket with me and hold them forever. Did you see how sad he was? Just sitting there and trying to think about how the universe has ripped everything good out of his life!’

She sighed and glanced over to Drake and the food laying on the quilt as if noticing him for the first time. ‘Is that Phish Food?’

Drake immediately handed her the tub of Ben and Jerry’s and watched in awe as his wife ripped open the packaging with enough force to make Thanos quake.

‘Giant fucking purple ballsack,’ she swore, jabbing the spoon viciously into the ice cream. ‘I’ll show you where you can shove that stupid Infinity Gauntlet.’

She reached for the murukhu, breaking parts of it off and dipping it into the ice cream, completely ignoring her husband’s wince at the mixing of contrasting flavours.

’The Russo brothers are sadists. And I am done. Thats it. I’m clocking out. This is too much. I’m not watching it. I’m not giving them the satisfaction. Fuck capitalism. I’m not gonna watch it.’

‘Liz…’ Drake sensed a break in her rant and picked that moment to step in. ‘But if you’re not gonna watch it, how will you know how they take down the… uh… giant fucking purple ball sack...’

‘It only comes out in April Drake. Thats four whole months away!’ She exclaimed, the ice cream tub rolling out of her limp hands as she flopped back down onto the bed again. ‘What does Marvel Studios expect me to do until then huh?’

Drake was lost for words. He needed to stop his wife's spiral before it went out of control. It took him a few seconds but the idea finally came to him. He may have just found the solution but it would come at cost, namely to himself and the soccer match that would be starting in half an hour. But he needed to do this for her.

‘How about we watch the cast interviews? I know you love those,’ he cajoled, dangling one of her guilty pleasures in front of her.

Elizabeth stilled. ‘Really?’

‘Sure I know how much you love it when they play those funny games.'

‘Can we start with the Stackie ones?’

Drake sighed, aware that his wife’s mood had already brightened at the mention of her two favourite actors. He never understood the appeal of Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackie’s bromance compilation videos but he forced a smile instead, knowing there was no way he was going to be watching the game at this rate.

‘I’ll find you the half hour version.’

Elizabeth let out a squeal of happiness and immediately pulled him onto the bed, resting her whole weight on his lap as he perused the videos on Youtube and they spent the rest of the night like that.

April 24th cannot come sooner...

#yeah this was me #except i dont have a drake #drake x mc #drake walker #trr drake #drake x elizabeth #elizabeth richmond #The Royal Romance #trr #choices #playchoices #choices fandom #choices fanfiction

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butdidyousee · 5 years

Text

2018 Favorites

With 2018 now a close and 2019 heading forward, I decided to compile last years movies that I saw and totally liked. Granted this isn’t a “best of list”(so many politics and opinions), but rather a check these out if you got some extra time and don’t know what to watch. A little something for everyone.

💥Game Night - Rachel McAdams and Jason Bateman play the leads in this fun movie about a couple who have a weekly game night and have a crazy mix up one night and get involved with crazy illegal activity and twist after twist.

💥Avengers: Infinity War - The culmination of the past few years have come together and lead everything that our favorite super hero’s have been fighting for to this. With an extensive cast and joining a multi-universe, marvel has made everything we have been waiting for in this film.

💥Searching - When A 16-year-old girl goes missing, her father uses every social media and internet resource he can think of to find clues and find what happened to her and if he can find her. John Cho performs phenomenally in this thriller. Mostly filmed from the view point of a laptop or iPhone face time.

💥Hereditary - A family mourning the loss of their matriarch in different ways as family secrets begin to surface with an underlined evil showing it’s ugly head. This movie was one of the most suspenseful and intriguing movies for me this year. The ending threw me for a loop and totally loved Toni Collette in one.

💥Love, Simon - I’ve written about this one at least twice. But this movie is still one of my favorites. Important messages and an easy watch with great characters. Perfect for the millennial boy or girl who need that little LGBT 🏳️‍🌈push or help dealing.

💥Black Panther - One of the most financially and watched movies of the last year Black Panther has broken a couple of records and a couple of barriers. All while being one of the coolest and funnest Marvel movies of all time.

💥A Quite Place - A horror movie with little to no sound. When I saw the previews and premise of the movie I thought I was going to hate this one. But this film proved me wrong. Suspense thriller with no sound and great acting. Make this movie a can’t miss combo.

💥A simple favor - recent review written. Go check it out.

💥A Star is Born - Lady Gaga’s break out role and Bradley Coopers’s directorial debut. One of the most hyped and loved movies of 2018. With great music and good acting, this break out film will be remembered for years to come.

———————————.

🎉Honorable Mentions🎉.

🍿Tully - Charlize Theron made this movie one of the best to watch of the last year. About postpartum depression showing the world that being a mother isn’t easy and life and self care should come first, because if your cup is empty you can’t fill someone else’s.

🍿To all the boys I’ve loved before - Netflix really began to step up there game with there original content. Although this is a whole book series. This teen comedy was one of the best put out all year. Great watch and good story with so many options of sequels.

🍿Roma - Another Netflix Original. This movie is one of the most heart breaking movies put out all year with amazing director Alfonso Cuarón telling the story of a domestic worker in Mexico City living in the 70’s.

🍿Tag - based on a true story of 5 friends that have been playing a game of tag well into adulthood. Extreme funny moments and a great time. This movie had me rolling with laughter.

Need a little more? Tap the link in my bio to get a couple blurbs and words about each film. Good luck in 2019 and let see some dope and not so dope shit this year.

What are some of your favorite 2018 films? Or know of Something I should check out? Leave me comment below✌🏻

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aion-rsa · 5 years

Text

Avengers: Endgame - How Thanos Could be Defeated

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Avengers: Infinity War makes Thanos look unbeatable. We look for the one chance Doctor Strange saw to defeat him in Avengers: Endgame.

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Gavin Jasper

Avengers: Infinity War

Apr 2, 2019

Marvel

Thanos

Avengers: Endgame

Thanos the Mad Titan is kind of a big deal these days. A decade of Marvel Studios movies led to one starring him that painted him as being the king badass of bad guys. The opening five minutes of Avengers: Infinity War alone make him look like the toughest, most imposing threat to any and all superheroes. Not only is he a dangerous brick house of a purple man, but his adventures usually lead to him buffing up his power with Cosmic Cubes and Infinity Stones.

How do you solve a problem like Thanos in the highly anticipated Avengers: Endgame?

Scouring his comic history, I’ve compiled a list of all the times Thanos has been taken down a peg. Maybe one of these is that "one in fourteen million chance" that Doctor Strange mentioned in the movie.

You can either watch the video for the short version, or keep reading the full article for more details!

OK, now let's get on with the rest of this...

THANOS WAR (1974)

Thanos started off as a Dr. Claw-type of threat who was treated like a big deal, but never got his hands dirty. Like how in his first appearance, in an issue of Iron Man, Thanos’ “defeat” came in the form of a robot duplicate. He didn’t truly take a big L until possessing the Cosmic Cube and facing Captain Mar-Vell.

Watch Avengers: Infinity War on Amazon

Using his newfound omnipotence, Thanos rid Earth of its population and discarded the Cosmic Cube by becoming a big, scary Neon Noodle face in the sky. Captain Marvel wasn’t much of a match for Thanos, especially in this form, but he realized that even if discarded, the Cosmic Cue was still the source of Thanos’ abilities. While Thanos tried to disorient Mar-Vell’s surroundings and even speed up his aging, the Captain was able to use his last ounce of strength to karate chop the Cosmic Cube, thereby seemingly killing Thanos and setting everything back to normal.

DEATH WATCH (1977)

Adam Warlock teamed up with the Avengers to go stop Thanos from blowing up the solar system. They all failed horribly and Warlock was killed; his soul winding up inside the Soul Stone with Gamora and Pip the Troll. Moondragon reached out and showed all this to the mind of a sleeping Peter Parker, who in turn went to Thing and said, “Yo, I had the weirdest dream. Want to help me save the world just in case?”

further reading - Avengers: Endgame Trailer Breakdown and Analysis

While Thanos got huge villain points for refusing to monologue in front of the heroes at the cost of giving the heroes an advantage (in 1977, no less! Wow!), Spider-Man and Thing freed the heroes anyway. The Avengers and Thing jobbed out to Thanos something fierce, but Spider-Man was able to shatter open a special globe with the Soul Stone in there, releasing Adam Warlock in fiery ghost form. Warlock grabbed onto Thanos and transformed him into a statue, albeit one with the retained ability to cry.

SPIDEY SUPER STORIES (1979)

As mentioned in the list of weirdest Thanos moments, Thanos appeared in the all-ages 70s pile of ridiculousness that is Spidey Super Stories. This dorky take on Thanos chased the Cat (Hellcat) with a helicopter and later stole the Cosmic Cube from a teenage skateboarder named Speedy. Having the Cosmic Cube in hand, he seemed unstoppable to the Cat and Spider-Man.

That is, until he created an earthquake, which not only affected his enemies, but also caused the Cosmic Cube to fall out of his hand. Spider-Man told him, “You were too tricky for your own good, Thanos!”

Speedy picked up the Cosmic Cube, wrapped Thanos up in grass, and then the police led Thanos away in handcuffs. It’s one of those images that will never not be funny.

INFINITY GAUNTLET (1991)

The big event that inspired Avengers: Infinity War had Thanos trip himself up in his moment of ultimate victory. Thanos had the full Infinity Gauntlet, which allowed him to mold the universe at his will, all to impress Death. After defeating the surviving superheroes and overpowering the cosmic entities, he went one-on-one with Eternity himself.

Thanos won, escaping his physical body to instead become an unbeatable force living in the fabric of the cosmos. Thanos’ folly was that his lifeless body still held onto the Infinity Gauntlet and like a car with the keys in the ignition, that godly power was there for the taking. Nebula zipped over to snatch it, gaining omnipotence, while Thanos was demoted.

further reading: Every Version of Marvel's Infinity Gauntlet Story

Thanos then joined the heroes against Nebula and afterwards faked his death by getting hit so hard by Thor that he exploded. Sweet plan!

WHAT IF THE SILVER SURFER SUCCEEDED? (1993/1998)

The most memorable part of Infinity Gauntlet was the sequence where Thanos powered himself down just enough so that the remaining superheroes had the slightest chance to beat him. They all died horribly, but that was part of the plan. It was all a distraction for Silver Surfer to zip by and grab the Gauntlet off of Thanos’ hand.

He missed, of course.

Two What If comics showed what would have happened had he removed the Gauntlet. One story had the Silver Surfer wield the Infinity Gauntlet with good intentions to make the universe a better place, only to gradually go insane from its power. Dr. Strange brought in Shalla Bal to talk some sense into him, which caused the Surfer to destroy the Gauntlet itself (seemingly at the cost of his own life, but instead, he and Shalla snuck off to a paradise planet).

further reading: The 100 Best Marvel What If Moments

Thanos pondered over his defeat and smiled at how close he got to victory.

In the other story, Surfer pulled the Gauntlet off Thanos, but fumbled it due to Thanos blasting at him. Surfer lost his hold on it and it was snatched out of the air by the comedic Impossible Man. The issue was more about Silver Surfer as the main character and while Thanos was depowered, he practically forgotten about within a couple pages.

URBAN JUNGLE (1998)

Back in the late-90s, Mark Waid and Andy Kubert did a Ka-Zar ongoing that lasted roughly a year. Much like Thor in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Ka-Zar took on his evil brother who turned out to be working for Thanos. Thanos had some plot based on terraforming the entire universe so that all the plant life would kill everyone else, including Hillbilly Stephen King.

Somebody out there will get that reference.

In this story, Thanos absolutely towered over Ka-Zar and was able to shrug off all of his attacks. They fought it out in the middle of a volcano and while Thanos had Ka-Zar in a bearhug, the power of love gave Ka-Zar some crazy Spider-Man-under-a-pile-of-wreckage strength and he both escaped the hold and knocked Thanos into the lava below.

further reading: Complete Schedule of Upcoming Marvel Movies

That wasn’t the end of Thanos, as he rose from the lava, but the aftermath was a bunch of confusing jargon involving a magic medallion.

CALL OF THE WILD (1998)

After his loss to Ka-Zar, Thanos was locked up in some kind of energy dimension, unable to escape without help. In the form of a giant, he tried to convince the Hulk to pull him out of that dimension in exchange for power, only for Nate Grey to interfere. Alone, Hulk and X-Man were no match for the colossal Thanos.

Together, X-Man was able to transfer his telekinetic armor onto Hulk’s body. Bouncing around, looking like The World from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, Hulk proceeded to overpower Thanos and sent him back into the portal from whence he came. Thanos’ connection to reality was cut completely and the heroes went their separate ways.

Seriously, though. He looks exactly like The World.

THE FINAL MORNING (2000)

Thanos teamed up with Mangog to best Thor, power up with a bunch of cosmic artifacts (as Thanos is wont to do) and bring forth the end of all life in the universe. Thor was able to take out Mangog in a way most badass, but he was still no match for the amped-up Thanos. Luckily, Odin had Jagrfelm the Blacksmith make some extra special weapons powered by the Odinforce to buff up Thor to Thanos’ level. Odin summoned Firelord to make the delivery in time.

Enhanced and ready for a piece of the Mad Titan, Thor fought Thanos to a standstill at first until destroying one of the empowering artifacts and turning back Thanos to normal. From there, it was only elementary that Thor would thrash Thanos into a purple mess. Thor’s ally Tarene then used her magic tears to explode Thanos into a smoldering corpse.

Thanos creator Jim Starlin would later retcon this loss, as well as the Ka-Zar incident, as being against mere clones. I have to imagine that’s more because of Thanos getting outright killed or his plot to wipe out the universe, since Infinity Gauntlet made it apparent that Thor (even Eric Masterson Thor) could possibly tear Thanos apart if he didn’t have the Infinity Stones.

SQUIRREL GIRL (2006)

Squirrel Girl joined the Great Lakes Avengers with the dynamic being that they’re lame heroes and she’s lame on the surface despite being able to take down major threats. GLX-Mas Special (during the time when they were the Great Lakes X-Men) had Thanos come to Earth moments after Squirrel Girl just took down MODOK. Thanos talked up some plot about ruling the universe with something called the Pyramatrix.

Squirrel Girl ran into action as a way to end her part of the story. Later in the issue, it was shown that she defeated Thanos all on her own with Uatu the Watcher verifying that it was indeed him. HOW she won was never explained.

A later comic would claim that it wasn’t actually him because we can’t have nice things.

ANNIHILATION (2006)

The first Annihilation was essentially the story that planted the seeds for modern-day Guardians of the Galaxy being a thing. In it, Thanos was more of a henchman to main villain Annihilus, much like how the Grim Reaper is somehow the henchman to Dracula in the Castlevania games. Part of their reign of terror had to do with Galactus being captured and weaponized against his will. Eventually, Thanos realized that Annihilus’ plans were a bit too far for him and decided that he’d help the heroes by releasing Galactus.

Before he could do that, he noticed Death hanging out in the room. As he realized what was up (his time, to be more specific), Thanos suddenly saw his own heart torn out of his chest from behind. Drax the Destroyer was created to kill Thanos and damn it, that was exactly what he was going to do.

MARVEL ADVENTURES (2006)

In the family-friendly world of Marvel Adventures: Fantastic Four #16, Thanos clobbered Captain Mar-Vell so hard in the middle of a space battle that the Kree hero was knocked into Earth. There, he teamed up with the Fantastic Four to fight Thanos. Part of the issue centered around an invention of Reed’s called “utility fog,” which was a cloud of shape-shifting nanites.

At first, the heroes used the utility fog to create duplicates of themselves and fight Thanos 10-on-1. This didn’t work out, but Sue was able to funnel the fog into Thanos’ mouth, allowing the nanites to shut down Thanos from the inside.

MARVEL ZOMBIES 2 (2007)

The original Marvel Zombies miniseries ended with a handful of heroes-turned-zombies devouring Galactus and absorbing his cosmic abilities. They moved on to scouring the cosmos to devour both planets and the inhabitants. As of Marvel Zombies 2, not only did their ranks increase to include various high-ranking space characters like Phoenix, Gladiator, and Thanos, but they also seemingly finished off all the food in the universe.

Zombie Thanos ranted about Zombie Hulk eating too much food and putting them in this situation, but the argument ended pretty succinctly with Hulk clapping over Thanos’ head and causing an explosion of gore. Gladiator tried eating some of Thanos’ exploded brains and skull fragments, but then immediately vomited them back up.

THE NEWER FANTASTIC FOUR (2009)

A What If issue showed a world where Wolverine, Spider-Man, Hulk, and Ghost Rider remained the New Fantastic Four due to the demise of the original team. A sequel showed how things would have gone had they existed during Infinity Gauntlet. Due to Ghost Rider being erased in the Finger Snap Heard ‘Round the Universe, Iron Man took his spot.

The team didn’t agree to Adam Warlock’s “everyone die so we can maybe steal the Gauntlet” plan, but their attempts at fighting Thanos head-on didn’t work out either. It was Wolverine’s attention that saved the universe, as he took note the way Mephisto was able to lead Thanos around, as well as Thanos’ feelings for Death. Wolverine smooth-talked Thanos into smiting Mephisto and making Wolverine his new advisor.

Wolverine, having a better understanding of women than Thanos, talked up how important touch is to a relationship and insisted that Thanos march over to Death and touch her face. By the time Thanos built up the resolve and reached over, Wolverine chopped his arm off and called him a sucker.

Hulk beat down Thanos, Spider-Man set things right with the Gauntlet, and the day was saved.

AVENGERS AND THE INFINITY GAUNTLET (2010)

A more all-ages take on Infinity Gauntlet had the team of Spider-Man, Hulk, Wolverine, Ms. Marvel, Dr. Doom, and space trucker US Ace take on Thanos. It was a silly endeavor, but very much worth reading.

When the heroes (and Doom) fought Thanos, they got their asses handed to them as expected. Out of nowhere, US Ace drove his space truck into Thanos. It didn’t kill him, but it did knock off his Gauntlet. Dr. Doom stole it, but it didn’t do him any good due to the realization that he was just a Doombot.

Thanos tried to put the Gauntlet back on, only for Spider-Man to steal it with a web yoink and put it on. Spider-Man wished that Thanos never found the Infinity Gems and the story reset itself where only Spider-Man and Thanos remembered the incident.

REBIRTH RAMPAGE (2010)

The Universal Church of Truth seemed like they were resurrecting Adam Warlock or his evil self Magus, but instead they brought Thanos back from the dead. Not only was that something that would piss Thanos off on principle, but his mental faculties weren't back to normal just yet. The Guardians of the Galaxy had to fight what was essentially a purple Hulk with his junk flapping around.

The Guardians had a hard time fighting the revived Thanos, as he even seemed more powerful than ever. Groot’s brute force failed, Gamora’s god-killing sword broke on Thanos’ skin, and Drax didn’t do much better. The Guardians hit him with everything they had and it only pissed him off.

Finally, Star-Lord pulled out a cracked Cosmic Cube and used it to lure Thanos over. Then he let loose with a blast – straight into the crotch – that proceeded to knock out Thanos.

DEADPOOL KILLS THE MARVEL UNIVERSE (2012)

In one universe, Deadpool became aware that he’s a fictional character and instead of making him all wacky, it broke him and turned him into a brutal nihilist. The four issues were mainly just him killing various characters in occasionally inventive ways. At the beginning of the final issue, we got to see him take out tons of heroes and villains in one fell swoop in what appeared to many as a mass suicide.

Turned out Deadpool was using the Puppet Master’s puppets to control people and make them kill themselves. To show he was thinking big, he pulled out a Galactus doll and we got to see Galactus and other cosmic types floating dead in space. This included the upper half of Thanos.

AVENGERS AND GUARDIANS ASSEMBLE (2012)

The first arc of Avengers Assemble had two major roles in relation to Marvel synergy. First, it came out around the time of the first Avengers movie and capitalized on both the Avengers’ popularity and the post-credits Thanos appearance. Second, it introduced the Guardians of the Galaxy as we know them, tweaking the character traits a little bit and mostly ignoring how their previous series ended because they had a movie coming out in two years and this was Marvel’s way of planting the seeds in the readers’ minds.

Thanos came to Earth to steal what he thought was a Cosmic Cube, leading to a team-up between the Avengers and the Guardians. Thanos succeeded and became this unstoppable giant, banishing the heroes to another dimension. Turned out it wasn’t so much a real Cosmic Cube as a replica created by the US government. With the help of the Elders of the Universe, the heroes returned with a weapon that would destroy the fake cube. Thanos returned to his normal form.

Hulk threw a growing Groot at Thanos, who delivered a couple haymakers until being swatted away. Then Thanos looked in horror as the Guardians of the Galaxy and several Avengers rosters (including two Hulks) rushed him down and started curbstomping him into oblivion. Thanos acted like he still had some fight left, but then the Elders popped in to steal him away.

INFINITY (2013)

Usually, Thanos’ deal is that he’s trying to get his girl, but around the time of Infinity, Thanos’ deal was that he got the girl too many times. As some kind of galactic Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, Thanos sired children all over the universe and one day decided that, oh wait, making babies is counterproductive to stanning for Death. Remembering the time he knocked up an Inhuman during a trip to Earth, he returned to make sure his offspring was wiped out.

The whole event led to a cloud of Terrigen Crystals spreading across the world and one of the people empowered by it was Thanos’ son. Calling himself Thane, the youngster came across Thanos fighting off the Avengers and let loose with his power to encase people in amber. Locked in a cube of amber in a pose similar to that time he was turned into a statue, Thanos was stuck in a horrifying stasis where he was conscious but completely immobile.

UNI-DEADPOOL (2015)

Deadpool and Thanos worked together to free Death from the clutches of Eternity. After all, with no Death, there was no...death. Death allowed the two to tap into her power in order to bring Eternity to his knees, but Thanos started to go too far and intended to kill Eternity once and for all. Death removed her powers from Deadpool and Deadpool realized that Death wanted this. The entire universe was going to die.

Not enough to fight Death-powered Thanos on his own, Deadpool ended up getting a big buff in the form of the Captain Universe Uni-Power. That allowed him to fight Thanos head-on, but that wasn’t what got him the win. Deadpool pointed out that Thanos’ resilience and refusal to die or even stay dead makes him more of an agent of life than death. Death pondered this on the side and chose to remove Thanos’ newfound abilities.

Screaming that he was weak and alone once again, Thanos vanished in an explosion caused from Deadpool’s blasts.

WHAT IF? INFINITY: INHUMANS (2015)

In this reality, Thanos gave Black Bolt the ultimatum where if Black Bolt didn’t kill the Illuminati and the Avengers, then Thanos would wipe out the entire Inhuman race. Fast-forward to an Earth ruled by Thanos and his henchmen.

A hooded figure was treated as the ultimate weapon against Thanos that needed to be protected against all threats. In the climax, she revealed herself to be Dazzler. Between her ability to turn sound into light blasts and the excessive power of Black Bolt’s voice, Thanos was easily annihilated.

WHAT IF? INFINITY: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (2015)

After Infinity, Thanos was locked up in a cube of amber in the custody of the Illuminati. In this alternate timeline, Rocket Raccoon stumbled upon this fact from spying on Iron Man. He and the Guardians proceeded to fight the Illuminati and free Thanos for the sole purpose of killing him.

The actual death isn’t shown or 100% explained. All it needed was a two-page spread of the Guardians being accompanied by various cosmic allies like Beta Ray Bill, Ronan, Gladiator, Annihilus, and so on. Star-Lord told him that they’re the Guardians of the Galaxy and the galaxy is sick of Thanos’ shit.

Afterwards, they all got very drunk in celebration while Earth's heroes were told that they were grounded and could no longer venture into space.

WHAT IF? INFINITY: DARK REIGN (2015)

Nobody’s perfect, but certain villains are better at using the Infinity Gauntlet than others. Wielding such power comes with such responsibility, so of course who would botch controlling the Infinity Gauntlet worse than a Spider-Man villain?

In a world where Norman Osborn got his hands on the Infinity Gauntlet, he reached back several decades to bring his father into the present and showed him his many accomplishments. While his father was abusive and cruel, he was still able to call out Norman for being a monster. Norman then figured he’d just make his father love him with his omnipotence and it worked!

Then they returned to his stronghold to find all of the Dark Avengers killed by Thanos. The two battled it out and while Thanos couldn’t scratch the Green Goblin, he was at least able to get under his skin by pointing out that he never forced Death to love him because he’d know that it wasn’t real. Norman would soon realize the same about his father’s glowing words.

Norman rendered Thanos into a pile of smoking bones via blasting a Goblin Glider into his sternum. He confronted his mind-controlled father by asking why he loved him. Not finding, “Because you’re my son,” satisfactory, Norman wiped out his father’s existence from history itself.

Realizing his mistake almost immediately, Norman faded away as well. What a maroon.

SECRET WARS (2015)

As the culmination of Jonathan Hickman’s epic Fantastic Four and Avengers runs, Secret Wars was the story of Dr. Doom gaining omnipotence and creating a world made up of scraps of broken alternate universes. It was kind of trippy but very awesome.

When the heroes waged war against God Doom, Thanos challenged him head-on. Without the Infinity Gauntlet. Thanos talked a big game like he had any chance at all and Doom simply tore out his spine like he pressed forward, down, forward, high punch.

At least with the Norman Osborn fight Thanos set him up to lose in his death.

SECRET WARS: THE INFINITY GAUNTLET (2015)

One of the reasons why Secret Wars was such a rad event was the many spinoff stories about the various alternate universes-turned-kingdoms. One of which centered around a family of Nova Corps members in a society overrun by space bugs. Stalking and later befriending the family was Thanos, who carried with him the Time Stone. The Nova family happened to have the Reality Stone.

By the end of the story, Thanos had an almost full Gauntlet while the Novas only had that one Reality Stone. The father put up a good fight, but was still no match for Thanos’ might. The daughter, Anwen, offered to give him the Reality Stone in exchange for their lives. Agreeing to the terms, Thanos placed it in his completed Gauntlet and gloated over his absolute power.

Suddenly, the Gauntlet shorted out while being overcome with purple flame and Kirby Krackle. It overwhelmed Thanos and turned him into a charred skeleton, all while Anwen revealed that she used the Reality Stone to create a poisonous replica called the Death Stone.

CIVIL WAR II (2016)

So Civil War II was a really bad miniseries by Marvel that acted as well-meaning character assassination for Carol Danvers Captain Marvel. Regardless, the first issue had a taste of rad Thanos action. The Inhuman known as Ulysses had a premonition that Thanos was going to be snooping around Earth. Against Iron Man’s wishes, Captain Marvel put together a team to ambush Thanos. Interestingly enough, the miniseries didn’t even show how the fight went down for the most part. All it showed was Thanos’ surprise, his critically injuring She-Hulk, and his fist going through War Machine.

An issue of Ultimates at least showed that afterwards, the Ultimates roster joined together to pour it on Thanos until he went down.

ULTIMATES REMATCH (2016)

Thanos was locked up in the Triskelion, but as you’d expect, he got free. The Ultimates tried fighting him and this time he was able to overpower them. Black Panther realized that the secret to stopping Thanos wasn’t brawn, but brains. While Ms. America and Captain Marvel kept Thanos busy, the others put together a device that prevented electrical synapses in his brain. Thanos collapsed and went silent.

Black Panther pointed out that such a device would kill anyone else, but it’s possible that Thanos simply can’t die.

THE GROUNDED GUARDIANS (2017)

Thanos escaped custody once again and left the planet, which was extra frustrating for Gamora as the Guardians of the Galaxy lost their transportation during Civil War II and were stuck on Earth for a while. Luckily, or unluckily, Thanos decided to head back to Earth as part of an agreement with Annihilus, the Brood, and the Badoon. This was Brian Michael Bendis’ final issue writing Guardians of the Galaxy and he wanted to go out with a bang.

It started with Drax vs. Thanos, but over time, the whole Guardians roster started to trickle in to lay in on Thanos. Star-Lord, Groot, Venom, Kitty Pryde, Thing, Angela, Rocket, and Captain Marvel. The Avengers were apparently on the way. Then Gamora arrived, ignoring Thanos’ claims that this world could have been hers had she not betrayed him. Gamora smugly agreed that this way was better and the Guardians rushed Thanos.

While the end of the fight wasn’t shown, the final pages did give us an imprisoned Thanos in the hands of the Nova Corps, looking all Hannibal Lector.

THE SHI’AR IMPERIAL GUARD (2017)

In Thanos’ recent ongoing series, he started to realize that his body was breaking down and he’d regularly cough up blood. He went to Mentor to find a cure, but Mentor’s failure led to death as punishment. Thanos was then met by the Shi’ar Imperial Guard, who tried to overwhelm him with their vast numbers. Thanos had his moments of dominance, but it was apparent that he wasn’t as strong as he usually was and they were getting the best of him.

Exhausted and weakening, Thanos saw the Imperial Guard’s heaviest hitter Gladiator standing behind him. With one hell of a punch, Gladiator knocked Thanos into next week. Thanos was under arrest.

PHOENIX THANE (2017)

Not only was Thanos weakened, but a handful of his enemies joined together to end him once and for all. With Death whispering in his ear, Thane put together a team of himself, Nebula, Starfox, and the Champion of the Universe. In reality, Thane was planning on betraying them anyway, as his plan was to steal a Phoenix egg and grant himself the power of the Phoenix Force.

When the time came for him to confront Thanos, there was very little to the fight itself. Just one blast of cosmic flame that depowered Thanos even further and teleported him to a slum planet, cursed to live out the rest of his pathetic life.

In the end, Thane’s former allies helped Thanos regain his abilities and stop Thane. Apparently, it was part of Death’s plan all along, but Thanos was all, “I don’t want your love anymore!” Those feelings lasted like a week.

THANOS VS. THANOS (2018)

“And if Thanos must die?”

“No one kills Thanos but Thanos.”

At the end of his ongoing, Thanos was brought to the distant future to meet up with his older and very victorious self, King Thanos. Over countless years, Thanos wiped out seemingly all life in the universe. The only things left were his henchman Frank Castle (a failed Ghost Rider/Herald whose mentality has made him more Deadpool than Punisher over the years), the Hulk (treated as Thanos’ dog), and the threat of a vengeful Silver Surfer armed with Mjolnir. King Thanos brought his younger self over to help him kill the Surfer, hoping that it would bring forth the missing Death.

When only the two Thanos’ remained, Death showed herself and made it apparent that she wanted them to fight to the death. Their battle was brutal, but the younger Thanos was supreme. Still, he would not be goaded into killing his older self, purely out of disgust. Instead, he went back to the present with the promise that he would make sure that King Thanos’ future would never come to pass, killing him with non-existence.

I guess they took the whole “Thanos undoes his own victories” thing literally.

Any other Thanos losses you want to remind me of? Sound off in the comments!

Read the latest Den of Geek Special Edition Magazine Here!

Gavin Jasper notices that Carol Danvers sure happens to partake in a lot of Thanos smackdownery. Huh. Follow Gavin on Twitter!

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#aion-rsa #Books

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tocinephile · 4 years

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Ada’s Top 10 Films of 2019

It’s typical of me to watch all (or most) of the Oscar best picture nominees before compiling my top 10 list each year. Well, I have a confession: I actually saw all the nominated films some time ago, but have struggled with deciding on 10 films because, sadly, I don’t think there were that many stellar films made last year.

There were seven films in my book that were absolutely fantastic, but far too many that missed the mark or just failed to shine as brightly as they could. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to rank them amongst the top ten of the year because I don’t want to recognize them for being “good” when they had the potential to be “phenomenal”.

That said, here we are on the day of reckoning (aka Oscar day) and here’s what I have to say about my top 10 films of 2019

As usual, my selections meet the following requirements:

any film that screened at a festival that I attended in 2019

any film with a Canadian theatrical release dated in 2019

is listed on www.imdb.com as released in 2019

1. The Irishman - dir. Martin Scorsese

I also included The Irishman as one of the best films of the decade. Not because it was particularly original, nor Martin Scorsese’s best, but because even though it’s neither of those things, it’s still one of the best films of the decade. I really see a near 4 hour tale as something Scorsese has longed to make, but had to wait until the medium of filmmaking and the audience’s methods of consuming had evolved before he could realize his vision. I’ll be the first to admit, I didn’t sit through the entire film in one sitting, but I couldn’t wait to get back to it and didn’t once feel put off by its length.

2. Knives Out - dir. Rian Johnson

This was the funnest film I saw this year. While I’m quick to compare it to one of Rian Johnson’s early films, Brick, the two are both similar and completely opposite at the same time. Knives Out is whimsical vs Brick’s detached wit, I loved the comedic timing and snappy pace of Knives Out. It’s just really entertaining filmmaking that’s neither highbrow nor lowbrow, everyone can come along for the ride.

3. Parasite - dir. Bong Joon-ho

Another stellar piece of writing and directorial masterpiece, Parasite is dark and warming at the same time. The finest scripts are the ones that can combine seeming opposites, and the best direction is when a cast is lead to bring out all these layers simultaneously in their performances. If I had my own awards show, Parasite would definitely be winning for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Screenplay.

4. Avengers: Endgame - dir. Anthony Russo and Joe Russo

It’s debatable whether Infinity War was the better movie, and I did have to watch Endgame more than once to take it all in. My final verdict (and keep in mind, I’m hardly an expert on the Marvel universe) was that they did a good job of wrapping up lose ends and leaving just enough variables and possibilities out there for the franchise to continue. I guess a lot of these under-the-radar achievements really rang out after seeing the Star War Saga fail so epically.

5. Joker - dir. Todd Philips

Joaquin Phoenix was jaw-dropping brilliant here. I know there is a lot more to the movie, but whenever I think about it, I never get past my awe of his performance. I probably need to watch it again a couple of times before we can discuss the other elements of this film.

6. 1917 - dir. Sam Mendes

One of the favourites to win Best Picture at the Oscars. This was a very finely crafted film, I can’t impress on you how much you need to see it for it’s cinematography, close up depictions of war, production design, and even acting. While I recognize the story is an important one to tell, it actually seemed like the least spectacular thing about the film. Don’t get me wrong, 1917 is completely engaging and sets a standard for war films.

7. Yesterday - dir. Danny Boyle

I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise to see a film directed by Danny Boyle and written by Richard Curtis appear on my top 10 list. I think Yesterday actually fell under the radar, it’s a whimsical imagining of a world that has forgotten the Beatles’ existence except for one young struggling musician who cannot resist the temptation of this knowledge to further his own career. It’s funny, heartwarming, and charming. It also gave me faith that one of my favourite directors and one of my favourite writers whose careers has taken them to such blockbuster heights can still produce something with such a fresh, indie-feel to it.

8. Dolemite Is My Name - dir. Craig Brewer

I’ve forgotten for perhaps some decades now that Eddie Murphy is good, thank you Dolemite is My Name for reminding me. Let’s face it, I love films about film productions, and that portion was the best thing about this movie! It’s around this part of my list where I had a pile of films I liked (not loved) equally, but Dolemite’s hilarious scenes, funktastic costumes, and awesome performances made it truly exceed my expectations, which is why it’s on my top 10 list.

9. Martin Eden - dir. Pietro Marcello

From TIFF 2019, this is an Italian retelling of the Jack London novel. What I dig most about this adaptation is its use of archival footage seamlessly woven into the film. Spliced together and utilized to establish a scene or inform the view of the character’s surroundings, it adds an artistic element to an already intricate story. I feel like a good story was built in, it was just up to them to adapt it well, and they did.

10. How to Build A Girl - dir. Coky Giedroyc

Another TIFF 2019 selection, Beanie Feldstein was an excellent choice for the title role in How to Build A Girl, an adaptation of the novel by Caitlin Moran about an aspiring young writer who reinvents herself in London as a notorious critic with a poison pen. It’s pretty much the perfectly formulated coming of age story infused with just out there enough humour, likeable characters, lots of heart, and all around feel good-ness. Had a crazy fun time watching it.

Honourable mentions:

Jojo Rabbit Uncut Gems Marriage Story The Cave Once Upon A Time...In Hollywood Guest of Honour

Also a film that I watched a little too late or else may have considered in my top 10s for films of that year is Giant Little Ones (2018), I highly recommend this Canadian film dealing with questions of sexuality by a teenage boy that requires him not only reevaluate himself but his existing attitudes to those around him.

I’m a little pressed for time (5 hours until the Oscar Pre-Shows start) so I will write a follow up post discussing the Honourable mentions in greater detail. Wish me luck on my Oscar pool picks!

#top 10 #top 10 films of 2019

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realfilmtalk · 5 years

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2018 IN FILM

Before we begin, my list is always compiled from films released in the calendar year. That means brilliant festival fare like If Beale Street Could Talk, Can You Ever Forgive Me, Burning and The Favourite are ineligible but will likely find their way onto next years list.

Best of lists are fairly stupid in general. Not only are they subjective, they also open the person who compiled it up to intense scrutiny. So it’s a good thing I neither care nor worry about what people think of my taste in films because I see enough to have a broad perspective. Did you see 20 films at LFF 2018?

This list probably has a few glaring omissions to some and welcome additions to others yet to me it perfectly represents cinemas quality in 2018. Consider some of the films that didn’t make my final ten.

The Shape Of Water was for many others and me the high point of Guillermo Del Toro’s Hollywood output. It was lush to look at and full of rich and playful strokes of horror, fantasy, romance and weighty themes. The Oscars don’t always get it right but they most definitely did this year. Perhaps the fact I saw it at LFF in 2017 and have yet to watch it again is the reason it didn’t figure heavily in my thoughts at this time of the year.

2018 felt like a real watershed for cinema from underrepresented filmmakers, particularly for cinema from people of colour. If real progress is to be made with representation and diversity of both storytelling and those who responsible for telling them then films with an urgent, authentic and unique voice such as the wildly enjoyable Blindspotting, the hilarious and tender Support The Girls, the powerful, potent and timely The Hate U Give, the wickedly funny Gook, the bravely bonkers Bodied and the independent British smash hit The Intent 2 mark the start of a new wave of films that have for so long been overlooked by audiences or just not made at all and nothing reinforced this better than Boots Riley’s Sorry To Bother You.

Blockbusters were a mixed bag this year for every necessary masterpiece like Avengers Infinity War there was an unnecessary stinker like Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, which offered nothing new to see or experience yet somehow made close to a billion dollars worldwide, meaning there will be another unnecessary one coming soon.

Yet whereas Jurassic World felt like a fossil of a dying franchise Mission Impossible: Fallout, the sixth in the series, felt like the best of the bunch and a welcome shot in the arm to action films in general. Watching Tom cruise leap from stunt to death defying stunt was like watching a true Hollywood star challenge his peers to stop using CGI and give their audiences something worth the admission price. It worked. Also shout out to Tom for telling people to turn motion smoothing off. He may be a little Cruisy but he cares about us.

I also really enjoyed the macho action, brawn and badass menace in Sicario 2: Day Of The Soldado. Whilst I thought this might be another unnecessary sequel, it was instead a riveting, intelligent and engaging thriller that reduced me to tears in one near breathtaking and almost silent scene.

Silence was also served in A Quiet Place, a horror that despite glaring plot holes had me removing my snacks from wrappers and breaking my chocolate into pieces so as not to diminish the cinematic experience. It was a gripping and original exercise in wound up tension and terror. The script is also worth a look at if you have any interest in screenwriting.

On the grittier side of cinema A Prayer Before Dawn was a gruelling yet thrilling watch and Joe Cole excelled in a star making turn.

Horror delivered too. Revenge and Hereditary were both refreshing and nasty little films that did lots with very little and stayed under my skin long after they finished. I’ll also throw Assassination Nation into that category. It seems it was criminally under seen, which is a shame because I enjoyed it immensely. It felt like a hybrid of Heathers and The Purge films, with an angry and urgent message weaved into its tapestry of trigger warnings and teenage hyper violence. Hopefully it’ll gain deserved cult status via home viewing. Gaspar Noe’s Climax was also a luridly terrifying trip into depravity that is best viewed on a big screen after plenty of Sangria. Not only is the camera work stunning it also had the years best opening sequence.

A couple of documentaries did great things with the format. American Animals was a playful spin on a heist film, whilst Three Identical Strangers was deeply emotive and thought provoking.

Animation also served up some treats. The Incredibles 2 was my most eagerly anticipated film of the year and it delivered but perhaps there had been too long a gap between the first and my expectations were too great. Whilst it was fun I felt it failed to offer anything new with the form. Isle Of Dogs was another master class in stop motion and The Breadwinner proved once again that animation takes audiences to places live action simply doesn’t dare.

Unfortunately I found no room in my final ten for well-known awards fare such as Ladybird, Three Billboards, Roma, A Star Is Born and Phantom Thread. Simply put, they didn’t connect with me in the way they clearly have with others but each have merits, which are too numerous to list here.

SPECIAL MENTIONS

YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE

THEY SHALL NOT GROW OLD

MI: FALLOUT

ASSASSINATION NATION

SEARCHING

THE RIDER

HEARTS BEAT LOUD

BUMBLEBEE

A QUIET PLACE

SHOPLIFTERS

THE NOT TEN