I found myself feeling nostalgic, feeling a love for you that I reminisce from all the times I've lived with you in my head.
The times I dreamt of feeding you and doing all father daughter stuff, dreamt of you standing next to me through every struggle. Each time I got reminded of how mom told me about your resilience and how you climbed the ladder with all your hard work.
Every time I recall how she told me about you, I remember the respect written on her face for you, I beam with pride because I saw she was telling the truth through her gleaming eyes.
Maybe the fact that I came out of my loneliest and most unbearable times is because you were over there, miles apart, praying for my happiness and safety.
And I hope that each time I prayed for your happiness and peace, God granted them and sent my love to you.
I know I'm not physically with you and mom, but I know nothing on earth can defy the love you both have for me. I sometimes amaze myself by looking back at how resilient I've been at times, maybe I got it from the both of you.
I've been pouring my love on everyone close to me, wearing my heart out on my sleeves. I wonder if I got that from you too. When I came home, I thought of you because I would love to pour all of my love on you, too. Only if you saw how I've taken care of you in my head, you'd probably be the happiest father alive.
I hope you're proud of me, and I hope that in this life time, I get the opportunity to pour all my love on you. Regardless of the lack of memories we got to make, I've never loved you less and I never will.
I remember seeing you thrice, and each time, I saw what I meant to you through your teary eyes and the way you sobbed. Maybe it frustrated you that you lost your voice but I didn't need to hear it from you to know you loved me to death.
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I am not sure why but here lately things are getting bad again. I can’t figure out when it all started to go downhill again. I mean it was never really better but at least I had the will to do something with my life, now I’m right back at the beginning...
I don’t even know why things are bad again, nothing happened to change anything, but still I don’t want to eat I don’t wanna get out of bed. Smoking doesn’t make anything better it’s only a pause button so I can sleep.
I put in this front like I used to and everyone thinks I am better. I really just want one person to notice that I’m not okay anymore.
I don’t want to die, I don’t want to slip up and do something stupid again. But at this point where is my life going. I didn’t go to college I work at fucking McDonald’s who wants to do that the rest of there life.
I had plans man, I had fucking plans. But just like everything else I wasn’t good enough for these plans.
I want to make everyone happy but I just can’t. And I literally have no one anymore. Austin is so consumed me his life and I don’t want him to worry. Kaylee and Christin are happy and doing good for them selves and I don’t want them to see me as weak. Curtis has enough going on in his life for a 12 year old. My mom doesn’t seem like she cares. My dad doesn’t give a shit about me, but what’s new. And my step dad tho I love him to death I really don’t think he cares.
Despite all of that I wanted to make myself happy. I wanted to do something with my life and I feel like it’s too late. Not only that I don’t feel good enough.
How am I supposed to do what I wanted to do when I can’t even get out of bed. I’m tired of thinking that everything’s going to get better when everyday is the same. I get reminded day in and day out of how I’ll never measure up.
Ya know for a 19 year old girl who grew up around drugs and sex I could be doing a lot worse than what I’ve done.
I thought things would be different by now. I thought I’d be at college studying my dream career path, but shit even if I did apply to colleges and had the drive, I couldn’t afford to go to school.
I can’t even sit back and imagine a future for myself. It’s like I’ll never be happy.
Man when I was younger i wanted to work hard and be good. Now I just want to make it through the day without crying.
I’m so worried about disappointing everyone I won’t ask for help and clearly no one is going to notice that there is anything wrong with me.
The moment I show any emotion everyone says I have an attitude or that I am in a mood.
WHY CAN NO INE FUCKING ASK IF IM OKAY.
NEWS FLASH : I’m not.
I’m fucking struggling. I just want to know that it gets better than this. I know everyone says it and shit I tell everyone that but it’s so hard when you can’t even picture you’re self waking up in the morning.
I just want to sleep right now and I can’t shut off my brain and stop crying. I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong with me. Like just yesterday I thought I was happy. I don’t know why I just had a really up day yesterday even after the incident at work, and today was okay nothing major nothing to make me feel like this. I just want it all to be over...
Night turns into day and everyone is here and still no one can see that somethings actually wrong with me. I didn’t have the energy to hide it today. So everyone thinks I’m just in a mood, and I’m still being put down by my mother like always.
I swear if I die she’d actually be happy. She wouldn’t always have to complain about me. No matter what I do good or bad it’s never enough for her so why try.
With everything that is going on it’s not the right day for me to be sad and I’m trying not to, but it’s so hard to hide it right now.
I wish I wasn’t like this, I hate it. I used to always be the one that looked on the bright side and seen everything good in life, but what’s so good about this life.
We sit back and try so fucking hard to be happy and then we die. What’s the fucking point in it.
Don’t get me wrong now there’s so many precious moments that I hold dear but I would give anything to be at peace. I want all this pain to go away, but it only seems to be getting worse. And if I hear “god gives his toughest battles to his strongest solders” one more time I’m going to lose my shit.
I’m not strong I didn’t ask to go through all this. If anything I just want to get through one day and be genuinely happy for once in my fucking life. I just don’t see that happening anytime soon. I wanna give up so bad, but I’m scared of letting down three people.
It just seems like it would be the most easiest thing at this point. I don’t want to do it anymore.
At this point I feel like I’m talking in circles. While typing this I’m trying to keep my cool and not show that anything is wrong with me I don’t think I’m doing to great.
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