Every day I wake up early with a nervous ball in my stomach. With my heart beating too fast. I don't want to get up so early so I lie there, for an hour or more, trying to fall back to sleep, but most of the time I can't, anxiety is already there keeping me alert. Same thoughts running around in my head, over and over again.
Can I just.... not care anymore? About all of it? Just be like - oh, well, whatever? Joyce Meyer once said we need more of a "shrug therapy". Which is exactly this. Being like "oh well *shrugs*" basically most of the time. Because what's the point of fretting anyway. You can do what you can do and everything else is just.. is what it is. And turns for good most of the time anyway.
On the one hand many things seems to prove that my life is going - at least - in the right direction. After years of spiraling downwards the first breakthrough came 8th January 2020, that day early in the morning, in my lowest place, God met me and (to put it simply) promised to make it good. To make it gold even. From that time on, some things have started to change. From my long list of everything that is wrong, some things started to change for the better. Mostly career-wise. And I kinda have a feeling like for last 3 years it was slowly going upwards, and that now is the time for this progress line to suddenly go up more steeply. You know, kinda another breakthrough.
On the other hand I'm so used to tragedy, my brain is so wired to expect suffering, and basically the worst case scenarios, that it is hard for me to think the other way. And right now it has a potential for some really scary scenarios to hold on to.
I don't want to think that way. I don't want to wake up with that nervous ball anymore. I want to expect good, to expect progress, deliverance, love, change, to expect this gold, that was promised to me over 3 years ago by the One who is faithful. I want to rewire my brain from being alert all the time expecting danger, to being softly relaxed into pure trust. Trust. It always boils down to trust.
I could sleep for an eternity. I could crawl into a hole. I could go to ground like a vampire that has seen far too much of this world and just sleep. Sleep and listen like its all just some far away dream world until a hunger to live pulls me back to the surface.
I hide. I hide pain. I hide tears. I hide the sadness behind my smile. I hide because I know I can’t explain. People ask for explanations. They ask for words but all I can do is stammer & mumble under my breath. I hide. I hide my pain. Explain? How do i explain?
Look, I'm not going to take for granted how lucky I am to get the chance to do evening classes. School has been so much less stressful because of it, and I'm actually confident now that I won't end up dropping out and that I'll actually earn my diploma, on time, even...
...but...
...one of the tradeoffs was that...I had to miss out on my favorite holiday...
I am once again losing the motivation to write, depression just wants to keep me down. The only thing that seems to drive it away is Sylvanas reading to me and maybe my birthday if I can afford the present I want.
I found this tiktok of this singer called @/madellines.music on tiktok and girl... It's my fucking situation. I love music just because of this, the art of putting words to years of trauma and emotions it's perfect to me.
Something i think about often is a post i saw about WTNV and how it, among other queer horror podcasts, become so beloved is the fact that you could *live* there. Sure there are monstes and demons and supernatural things but thats here to. And here we just die. There i am strange and i am loved. Anyway the post was medium length and beautifully written.
I often think of Hello from the Hallowoods. I want to live their as Nikignik reads his eulogy of our world. I could live there I think. I would live with the scouts i would be a good nurse and a good teacher. I think i would be loved there.
Sat waiting to go on my break watching live sentencing updates on a murder case which happened on the street I grew up in and in which I know 3 of the people convicted. I don't think a lot of people quite believe me when I say how different my childhood and adult life could be until I say things like this. My family is a mess but they did their best to make sure I didn't end up like so many people I was surrounded by.