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lesbaurinkos · 8 months

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riverdale presents: into the woods

(it is important, for the purposes of this episode, that hiram lodge has introduced a new drug to the market: evil jellybeans (NOT to be confused with jb jones of course). they're called glimmer beans. it appears he made them as a jab at gladys. they function with the same vague hysteria-inducing properties as jingle jangle and fizzle rocks. but theyre evil jelly beans. timeline-wise literally don't worry about it theyre all still in school but in a world after the heathers episode surely. i also dont care about how long this episode is. ok carry on)

JUGHEAD is playing THE NARRATOR of course. he opens the episode with "once upon a time," changes the far-off kingdom bit to be about riverdale, and we go into a heavily-cut version of Prologue: Into The Woods. for the purposes of this episode, literally just so we can perform prologue, let's say that penelope has decided to try to get polly declared an unfit mother again so she can take custody of juniper and dagwood. alice is ready to go to war about this. (i wish we had a child- i want a child- etc).

polly, meanwhile, is still kind of brainwashed at the moment- edgar had left news of a successor, a King, and she won't stop talking about it; betty is of course deep in investigating how this might tie into the gargoyle king and etc. at the end of the episode prior polly received an invitation to some kind of sinister festival and obviously betty is going to track her there (the king is giving a festival- i wish to go to the festival- etc). it's then a hard cut, in the Jarring Riverdale Cutting Out Verses fashion, to the come little birds verse, switching between cheryl and toni and veronica, where cheryl and toni are searching for whatever dirt penelope is leveraging to even have a case to be suing polly for custody, while veronica is leafing through hiram's study, trying to find evidence that he's behind the glimmer beans. neither endeavor is successful, and it cuts off Into The Pot with penelope and hiram interrupting them, and all three make up excuses and head out for school. (it cuts to into the woods it's time to go i hate to leave i have to though etc)

as prologue continues, the characters make their way to school, inexplicably taking routes through fox forest to do so. we get some shots implying riverdale high is, itself, also in a metaphorical sense The Woods, and then the song reaches its end and we get the classic running through the auditorium to their chairs onto the stage before everyone takes their seats with the final And Home Before Dark. GAY KEVIN, who is DIRECTING, is ecstatic. "welcome to into the woods," he declares, and welcome, indeed.

in classic riverdale musical episode fashion, gay kevin starts going over the cast list. CHERYL has declared herself LITTLE RED and will be happily wearing her awesome hunting cape for the rest of the episode. ARCHIE, he says, will play the BAKER, and VERONICA will play THE BAKER'S WIFE. JOSIE will be playing THE WITCH as she is the one who most deserves to play the most slayful role in the musical. BETTY is playing CINDERELLA. REGGIE is CINDERELLA'S PRINCE and SWEET PEA is RAPUNZEL'S. FANGS is JACK. TONI is CHOREOGRAPHING but ALSO RAPUNZEL because i think it would be funny if for the opening night shots they have her in a really long wig that gay kevin has clearly painstakingly put pink streaks into. we might even see him losing his mind working on it in the background of scenes sometimes. ETHEL is JACK'S MOTHER cause i think her voice is suited to it again not that it really matters she's not gonna be singing jack's mother's parts in this episode of course. half of these castings DO NOT MATTER as everyone will just be singing literally anything, as is again classic riverdale musical episode fashion. but they announce them anyway bc that's how it goes here.

MILKY WHITE, it's important to note, is a prop cow that looks incredibly haunting. here are pictures of the milky white from my own high school production of into the woods, because i think she was beautiful and perfect. something like this will just be chilling onstage in the background of scenes and we have to live with it.

on opening night of the musical, standing with the rest of the cast at bows is THE MYSTERIOUS MAN played by ROBERTO AGUIRRE-SACASA HIMSELF. this is not addressed.

the cast announced, gay kevin has everyone clear the stage for a run-through of It Takes Two with archie and veronica. the two are fighting at the moment, though, so though it starts out going fine, by the end it's a mess (complete with a whole lot of ronnie flipping her hair in his face with the beloved whoosh sound effect). we get shots of the others watching in the auditorium with varying degrees of horror/entertainment. it ends with them running offstage, frustrated. gay kevin wonders as he always does if he's directing a trainwreck.

out in the hallway, archie and veronica fight. archie's been distant, lately, self-destructive- he's been realizing some things about himself and he doesn't really know what to do about it, and their relationship is falling apart. veronica is like "much like the lyrics of our song, you've changed, archiekins! why can't you tell me what's wrong?" and frankly what's wrong is he's starting to realize he likes men. he can't answer her, though, and veronica shakes her head and turns away. it's clear to them both that this isn't working, and she breaks up with him, telling him to come find her when he can admit to whatever's bothering him. (she doesn't want to admit that she's also realizing some things and has also been distant.)

we cut to jughead arriving home and then he freezes. gladys is back, and before he can react, she's like "listen i know you don't want me here but hear me out" and explains how she's back in town because she thinks hiram's glimmer beans production was intended to draw her out and she wants to know why; she thinks jellybean might be in danger. jughead, who was clearly doubting her beforehand, is visibly affected by the thought of jellybean being in trouble; he agrees, begrudgingly, to help gladys out.

(we can also have a scene of alice singing Stay With Me in her usual insane manner somewhere in this episode. i'm not sure where to place it really but. well it's alice. i'm sure this makes sense)

we then cut to betty, who is trying to confront polly about her newest cult activities, and cheryl, who is trying to confront penelope about how she's managing to build a case for custody of juniper and dagwood despite all the crimes to her own name. polly gets all excited to talk about it, and penelope is like "why, the second King, of course," and then the two of them go into Giants in the Sky, skipping the second verse. we get a classic Lili Reinhart Baffled And Judgmental Face. while the song is going, we cut to toni- while cheryl has been distracting penelope, toni's gone to snoop one more time, and this time she manages to find some incriminating evidence. as the song ends, we don't see what she's managed to find, just the terrified look on her face, and then we cut to commercial.

the next scene opens on veronica, pissed off about the weird archie situation and unsure what to do, and she finds reggie and suggests they rehearse. the two of them sing Any Moment, and end up kissing at the end, but veronica pulls away. she thought this was what she needed, but it's not right, either- something is still wrong, something she can't explain. she tells reggie as much and then leaves him on the stage, baffled.

veronica texts betty and asks if they can talk; surely, she figures, betty will have some #girlbestfriend advice to offer. betty is gonna tell her about the polly cult situation, but when she arrives they end up first talking about the whole reggie and archie and neither working out thing (A Very Nice Prince) and end up getting closer and closer as they sing (is he everything you've ever wanted?- would i know?- well, i know- etc etc) and it's incredibly Charged. "when you know you cant have what you want, where's the profit in wishing," betty sings, inches from her at this point, and it means a little too much, and something Clicks, and veronica kisses her. AND SCENE!

we cut back to jughead as he enters the bunker, meeting gladys and some serpents we don't know. he's wary and clearly doesn't want any part of this, but agrees as she tells her his plan- she's gonna try to infiltrate the glimmer bean trade with a couple of serpents, enough so she can try to get close to the source and find out what hiram wants from her. he hates the idea, but thinks that hiram's new drug just happening to be this close to his little sister's name feels like enough of a threat that he'll agree to pretty much anything gladys is planning.

he ends up calling archie on the way out of the bunker and asking him to meet up at pop's. he's hoping archie will keep an eye out for jb while he and gladys work on investigating hiram, but when they meet up and he tells him as much (but doesn't mention gladys) archie is like hell no i'm not letting you go up against hiram alone. jughead shrugs and is like they kill me off at the start of act 2 i can go use that time to investigate as long as you get veronica to make sure hiram comes. archie tells him he and ronnie broke up and jughead tells him he's sorry and archie's like don't be, it wasn't working out, and i need him to deliver this in the most Meaningful Way Possible while studiously Not Looking At Jughead. they sit in silence for a minute before jughead's like i should go- and starts to make his way out of the booth & archie catches his wrist and it's Charged. and archie's like. promise me you'll be careful, okay? and jughead gives him one of those Charged Looks you know the ones. before agreeing. and then he leaves and archie sits there for a long time afterwards.

we go to toni, now, rushing to tell cheryl the shit she's found out, but when she gets to her room cheryl isn't there. nanna rose is, though, and when toni asks she tells her she thinks she headed to the basement with penelope. toni runs off, and she's clearly panicking a little, but we still can't see the pictures she's clutched in her hand. instead we cut to gay kevin, introducing Agony while reggie and sweet pea are onstage in their prince garb. as the song starts, reggie starts singing as toni's sprinting through the mazelike halls of thornhill, and it cycles through the rest of the characters and their Problems while the song goes on. toni sings "if i should lose her how shall i regain the heart she has won from me" and then archie joins her on "agony- beyond power of speech-" and then we focus fully on archie and he's holding a flannel we recognize as jughead's while he sings "when the one thing you want is the only thing out of your reach" and well. <3 for the second verse we cut to beronica, who have clearly worked something out, veronica hooking her arms around betty's waist while she brushes her hair. the two sing the ah-ah-ah-ah part together while betty works on a little murder wall about polly's new cult sitch & it's cute. then it's a cut to jughead when we go back to "agony- far more painful than yours" etc etc. we watch him and gladys direct serpents on drug deals, and draw pins on their map, and they're not getting any closer. they cut the bridge for a scene where one of gladys' serpent tells them they've had a breakthrough and there's a demand for a big shipment of glimmer beans for some sort of "festival" and one of the serpents has got in as a runner. and jughead is like "i'll go" and then we're back into Agony Misery Woe (cycling back through everybody) then ending at toni skidding around a corner on "agony- that can cut like a knife-" and finds cheryl perfectly fine chatting with penelope, and she turns and smiles brightly all "whatever is the matter, tt?" and toni rushes to hug her and whispers that she's found something out and they need to get out of there Now. they leave and we linger on penelope smiling serenely #insaneinthehead

jughead calls up veronica to ask her to help him out on the hiram front. she agrees with some trepidation (oh shit does he know i just got with his ex-girlfriend) (he does not). she tells him shes pretty sure hiram's involved but doesn't know where his lab is, he tells her about his plans to deliver a big shipment of glimmer beans, and they plan for her to track the people who supply jughead and see if they can lead her back to the lab; he'll join her after he makes the delivery, and they'll see what they can dig up.

toni meanwhile tells cheryl what she's found: penelope's got pages and pages of rambling notes and spellbooks and such, all seeming to be revolving around breaking curses. it appears this king she's been working with has told her it's possible to break the blossom curse, but because it's a curse on a bloodline, it requires an equal sacrifice: blood for blood. in this case, blossom blood for blossom blood. cheryl is in danger. we cut to commercial.

the night jughead intends to make the delivery rolls around but right after rehearsal archie asks him if he wants to hang out, maybe the two of them and jellybean, since he wants to make sure she's safe. jughead looks insanely guilty but tells him he can't tonight and makes up some excuse about homework. archie is clearly hurt. jughead leaves before he can think about it too much.

backstage, b&v have a similar conversation- betty asks ronnie if she wants to come with her to investigate the mysterious festival polly's attending, and veronica tells her she's investigating a lead about her father's involvement with glimmer beans, so they agree to confer later and head off. kevin, meanwhile, asks josie if she can stay late to work on one of her solos.

Last Midnight starts up with josie singing the hell out of it as everyone starts putting their plans into action (on "told a little lie... broke a little vow" it focuses on jughead still guilty about lying to archie. lol). jughead and veronica meet up, both in disguise, while betty is following polly into the woods (heh) to the festival. we watch as jughead meets with his suppliers, veronica hidden in the bushes, and then heads off into the woods as well; while veronica tails them we arrive at the festival and it's this whole bacchanal affair. people in laurels and such, and there's an apparent king on a dais in the center of the clearing but their face is concealed. jughead arrives and hands off his crate, taking note of the weird creepy cult party but not noticing polly arriving as he turns and leaves to go meet up with veronica. betty, a few steps behind her, only sees a serpent jacket disappearing into the trees. the song ramps up, jughead hopping on his motorcycle and making it to the coordinates veronica has texted him, while betty watches in horror as the king beckons polly towards the dais and turns to open the crates behind him. jughead and veronica sneak into the glimmer bean lab and start taking pictures, until jughead sees something that makes him freeze. it's unmistakably his mom's toledo serpents jacket. the song's nearing its end and we go back to polly, who has knelt and taken the beans the king offers her. betty rushes forward to try to stop her, and the song hits "and the boom-" and polly screams and collapses to the ground. none of the cult members move to help her as betty desperately tries to. we cut to commericaaaal.

when we come back it's the next day and archie is trying and failing to call jughead. we watch another call go unanswered. he gives up and leaves for school.

meanwhile jughead is staring at his hands when gladys walks in. she asks him how the delivery went and he's like "cut the crap, mom. i know you and hiram are working together. why would you lie about jellybean being in danger? that's low even for you" and she starts to protest and he cuts her off and we start No More (which is my favorite song). we cut to cheryl who is also confronting penelope about what the hell she's doing over the instrumental for the baker's father's part, and penelope starts some convoluted explanation, but cheryl goes into her verse (no more curses you can't undo...) and cheryl and jughead sing "no more feelings- time to shut the door- just no more" and walk out at the same time. they cut straight to no more giants waging war after that, and i do think even How Do You Ignore are notes jughead is capable of hitting, so i believe in my heart it wouldn't even sound that terrible. i have faith in it. anyway i think a cheryl and jughead duet to no more would be fun. two ppl who end up so alone so often, ykno. etc. anyway as the song ends cheryl kicks penelope out of the house as she frequently does and jughead gets a text from betty, who wants to meet up with everyone in the bunker. he panics bc he and his mom have been using it as a base of operations and he's of course been hiding that gladys is back in town. whoopsie!

jughead rushes to the bunker but doesn't make it in time- betty is already there, and veronica and archie arrive soon after. betty is like what the hell is this jughead and he tries to deflect but ronnie is like just tell them jughead and betty whirls on her like vee YOU knew? and jughead admits that his mom's back in town and serpents have been trying to infiltrate the glimmer bean trade and etc and archies like jug why didnt you tell me your mom was back in town i could have helped- is that where you went last night? and betty's like my sister almost DIED last night because of glimmer beans and it spirals into, of course, Your Fault. and it is glorious because i just know a riverdale performance of Your Fault would be the most special thing on the planet. obvi <3 big ol blowout. etc etc. betty's mad at veronica because she knew about the festival AND the glimmer beans and didn't think to tell her, archie's mad at jughead for keeping things from him and shutting him out, betty's mad at jughead for pretty much everything but that's just how it is #killhimwitharock et cetera!!!

betty and jughead end up storming out and veronica and archie are left in the bunker where they sit in silence, hurt, for a second before they end up talking about the fact veronica and betty had just gotten together. archie tells her how he feels something for jughead, too. they're friends again. it's nice ^_^ they agree to go talk to the others and head out, archie going off to pop's and veronica heading for elm street.

archie finds jughead because of course he does. it's framed like he was looking for the girl next door instead he found me. veronica finds betty standing in front of her house and it's framed like the pilot too <3 they make up, of course. and they sing No One Is Alone. can you hear me can you hear it can you envision and rotate Core Four No One Is Alone in your head. please imagine it and envision it. because that's the crux of this thing for me. jarchie & beronica doing no one is alone. while they sing archie takes jughead's hand across the table. he lets him. betty & veronica seal the song with a kiss. jarchie don't, not yet, but The Presence Of Jarchie is there and it's stronger than ever.

WE CUT TO OPENING NIIIGHT! core four are backstage and have made up. betty and veronica are holding hands, which everyone notes with interest. archie brushes his shoulder against jughead's and straightens his narrator costume tie. the presence of jarchie flourishes. cheryl and toni are in hushed discussion about whatever penelope could be planning, but are decidedly relieved she's out of the house. reggie and sweet pea are in a dramatic fight with their prop swords while fangs referees. milky white the haunted prop cow gazes from a corner and ethel ties a little bow around her neck. josie is having a ball waving her witch staff around like a microphone & uses it to parry a stray sword that gets too close. gay kevin is frolicking around signing playbills. everyone is having a blast. we get our shots of the lights going up on the final number, and they perform a passionate rendition of Finale: Children Will Listen. RAS is inexplicably there as the mysterious man. there are shots of parents in the audience with wet eyes. polly, recovered, looks at juniper and dagwood and smiles. for some reason even gladys is there, skulking in the back next to a woman who is clearly her girlfriend and also clearly jennifer tilly. the one parent missing is penelope.

and then after the very final "i wish-" the auditorium door slams open and in struts penelope, flanked by some police officers or smthn, and she goes right over to polly and announces that she is no longer fit to be the guardian of juniper and dagwood. everyone begins to protest, but penelope announces she has a witness to polly's unsavory acts, and the doors swing open a second time and in walks the hooded king from the festival. polly is restrained as penelope lifts the twins in her arms and hands one to the king. we cut to the stage and to cheryl and toni's horrified faces in particular.

"it was never me mumsie wanted to sacrifice," cheryl murmurs.

"it was the twins," toni confirms.

the cast, still lined up for their bow, are frozen. we zoom out and the screen goes black and the logo flickers up. CREDITS ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL <333333

and that is Riverdale Special Musical Episode: Into The Woods. peace and love!

#THIS WASNT SUPPOSED TO GET AS LONG AS IT DID. IT GOT SO FUCKING LONG.#um. sorry if u read all that. i just had so much fun is the thing!#into the woods is one of my favorite musicals of all time ever #and ronniekins loves sondheim! so!#riverdale #beronica #jarchie #im going 2 sleep now. this was fun

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