#rena visz

[spectraspecs-writes]

Manaan - Chapter 127

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 126. Chapter 128.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma @darthvendar-blog @80strashbag thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

A thin layer of dust rests on the bench in my holding cell. It probably hasn’t been used in some time. I dust it off with my sleeve before sitting down and watching court officers catalog the contents of my pack and pockets. “One wrap of tools,” one says, picking  up my droid toolkit and holding it for a camera to see.

“Please take good care of that,” I say, “It means a lot to me.”

“All cataloged evidence will be held in stasis until trial, and if it is deemed non-relevant it will be released to next of kin upon verdict.”

“Or… to the accused upon acquittal,” I say, “Right?” They both look at me, not answering, before turning back to their work. How reassuring.

“Two long swords,” the other says, unsheathing my swords gently, “With blood.”

“Hold for analysis,” says the first, before reaching to the next item, “Ten medpacs.”

“One length of rope, approximately three meters.”

“One datapad, mild damage, retrieved from the back pocket.”

“Assorted droid parts.”

“Encoded access pass, keyed for the Sith Embassy.”

“Hold or analysis. Two Jedi-type lightsabers.”

“Be careful with those,” I interrupt, but I’m not acknowledged.

One of them reaches for the final item. “One metal…” He stops. Scrutinizes it. “…something.”

“It’s an encrypted data core,” I say.

They turn back to me. “What’s on it?”

“I don’t know,” I say honestly, “I don’t know the encryption sequence. I could probably figure it out, if I had a week. But for all I know, it could be just environmental data. Or nothing at all.”

“Not relevant to this case,” the other says, and it gets placed in the bin with the other, I assume, non-relevant items. At least if the worth happens, Carth can return it to the Republic. Even though it for sure is relevant, but even if I did tell them that, experience tells me they wouldn’t listen.

“I suppose it would be a waste of my time to ask what my rights are?” I ask.

“As an off-worlder, your rights are the same as those of any native,” one of them says, “You are entitled to a fair trial, carried out in a timely manner. You are entitled to visitors. You are entitled to a competent defense. An arbiter has been summoned for you.”

I nod. “Cool.”

A haggard-looking Selkath, juggling datapads, comes into the holding area and walks to the desk. “I have been summoned as arbiter for a human?” The desk attendant points at me. I wave. “Ah, Min Rena. Or Min Visz? I have little experience with off-worlders, I am uncertain which is correct.”

“Uh, either is- is fine,” I say, “But what is ‘Min?’”

“I - forgive me, I am unfamiliar with human genders as well, so I opted for a neutral title. If you would prefer a different —“

“No,” I interrupt, “no, ‘min’ is fine.”

He looks relieved. “Good. Good. I am called Bwa’lass, and I have been selected as your Arbiter for the duration of your trial. I will endeavor to prove to them that you are not guilty of the heinous crimes that you are accused of, namely…” He searches through his collection of datapads, and drops several before he finds the one he’s looking for. “Ah, here it is. Namely, initiating violence within the Sith Embassy, murdering members of the Ambassadorial  Commission of the Sith Empire, and disregarding our own laws regarding violence in Ahto City, as well as numerous counts of property damage.”

This does not bode well. “Cool,” I say nervously, “Cool. Uh, Bwa’lass, I don’t mean to be rude, but, uh… I understood I had the right to a competent defense… and you seem…”

He sighs. “I know.” That definitely doesn’t bode well! “but I assure you, my lack of understanding of off-worlders does not impact my understanding of Selkath law!”

“I’m not doubting you there,” I say, “You know definitely more about Selkath law than I do. but sitting here, watching you juggle datapads… I won’t lie, I feel doomed.” He doesn’t say anything. “I have to wonder if I wouldn’t be better off defending myself.”

“While it is true that you do have that right,” Bwa’lass says, “I would recommend against it. Due to your confinement, you will not have much of a chance to build up evidence to pursue your case. Also, I do not believe you off-worlders truly understand the minds of us Selkath. It would be best if you left your defense up to me.”

The door opens again, and Carth walks in, flanked by a Selkath officer on either side. “Rena, this is unbelievable,” he says animatedly, “You haven’t done anything wrong. I can’t believe the Republic embassy hasn’t sent someone to defend you.”

“And admit they know me?” I say with a scoff, “Open themselves up to scrutiny, questions they don’t want asked?” He opens his mouth to say something else, but I stop him by speaking again. “Carth, this is my arbiter, Bwa’lass.” The haggard Selkath gives a small wave, dropping two more datapads in the process.

Carth looks from Bwa’lass, to me, back to Bwa’lass, and to me again. “You’re not serious.”

“Court appointed,” I confirm.

He shakes his head, looking petrified. “I’m going to the embassy -- Roland Wann has to assign someone to your defense.”

“Carth, don’t,” I say, “Don’t involve yourself in this any more than you have to be. The Star Map is more important than me.”

I can see the words on the edge of his tongue - “No, it’s not” - but he doesn’t say it. “We can’t get that without the data core. Which you had.”

“Non-relevant evidence will be released to next of kin upon verdict,” I say, repeating the Selkath officer.

He nods a bit, thinking. Then stops. “Or…released to you when they find you not guilty, right?”

“They wouldn’t tell me.”

The door opens again, and Jolee comes in. By himself. “What are you doing here?” Carth asks, “And how did you get here without any guards?”

“Well, I certainly didn’t use a Jedi mind trick,” Jolee says sarcastically, “That would be unethical.”

One of the guards with Carth scoffs. “A Jedi mind trick would not work on one of my officers,” he says confidently.

“Of course it wouldn’t,” Jolee says, then he raises his hand, “But the old man doesn’t need guards, does he?”

The officer’s eyes glaze over for a moment. “Uh…” he says, “no… the old man doesn’t need guards.” Unbelievable.

“I think you’ll both agree Rena’s defense is the more important matter at hand than my being here,” Jolee says.

“That’s an even better idea,” Carth says, “Contact the Jedi, they’ll send someone to defend Rena.”

“No, they won’t,” Jolee and I say at the same time. “This us all Master Vrook needs to have to be convinced of my ‘evil core,’” I say, “Not to mention the fact that they don’t have enough Jedi to spare. You know, the war? The destruction of Dantooine?”

“The Council also wouldn’t interfere in the legal system of a non-Republic world,” Jolee says, “Sending anyone here to Rena’s defense would draw unnecessary attention to the matter.”

“Malak already knows more about this mission than they’d like,” I say.

“We can’t just stand around and do nothing,” Carth says, “We have to do something!”

“No, you don’t,” I say firmly, “Neither of you have to do anything except testify if you’re asked. And in fact it’s better if you don’t do anything. If anything happens to me, it’s up to all of you to find the last Star Map and stop Malak.”

“Indeed,” Bwa’lass says, finally saying something, “It would be in all of your best interests to let me do my job as arbiter. To that end, I would like to interview my client alone so that we may adequately prepare for the trial tomorrow.”

“We have to do this right, guys,” I say, “Please trust me, I don’t want to spend time in a Selkath jail anymore than you do.”

“In fact,” Bwa’lass chimes again, “the punishment for the crime is death, by immediate execution.”

“DEATH?” Carth exclaims, causing his escorts to tense up. Bad time to say that, Bwa’lass.

Jolee holds Carth back. “Calm down, lad, before you get yourself arrested,” he says, “If Rena says to trust her, that’s exactly what we must do.”

“Jolee, I can’t just --” he shouts. But as he looks Jolee in the eyes… I don’t know what level they’re communicating on, what they say, but Carth relaxes. He looks back at me, like he’s trying to take me in. “Okay,” he says finally, “... Okay.” And nothing more.

“Please escort them back to their vessel,” Bwa’lass says to the officers, who nod and turn to leave with Jolee and Carth. But Carth doesn’t stop looking at me. His eyes are set on mine until they round the corner, out of sight. “Now,” Bwa’lass says, taking a deep breath, “I would first like to ask you a few questions regarding the events that led up to your arrest. I have already been given all relevant data on you and your companions, so that can be disregarded. For what reason did you enter the Sith Embassy?”

“I had been hired as a mercenary,” I say, “The court officers found a pass card with my belongings, I heard them catalog it.”

“Yes, I have record of that,” he says, “I find it unlikely that you are a mercenary, but perhaps the judges will be more sympathetic to your view.” Good to know my lawyer has no faith in me. “What is your prior association with the Sith?”

I scoff. “How much time do you have?”

“I beg your pardon?”

Actually… best not. At best, I’ll be told I’m making a mockery of the court if I say I was Revan. At worst I’ll be believed and executed for war crimes. “Forget it,” I say, “Before I joined the Jedi Order, I was a scout. I’d encounter other scout patrols who were hired by the Sith, and I was amicable with them, but beyond that my interactions have been nearly non-existent.”

“I am skeptical of that,” Bwa’lass says, “as will be the judges. You off-worlders tend to congregate much amongst yourself. I see no inherent differences between your two groups.”

“They’re philosophical differences, for the most part,” I say, “Political views, moral stances.”

“I see,” Bwa’lass says neutrally, “There is no need to elaborate further. That should be all the information I require of you, for now.”

Wait, that’s it? “Um… don’t you need to ask more questions?”

“I have all the information I need.”

“How can you expect to defend me without getting more information?”

“I think this trial is relatively straightforward,” he says with a shrug, “It should be obvious to the judges what has transpired.”

Obvious? “Uh��� why don’t you tell me what you plan on telling them? Just… so we’re both on the same page.”

He looks a tad insulted, but with a small sigh, he says, “Very well. You were there by circumstance, not involved in the disturbance. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time on legitimate business, the business of the Jedi Order. The Jedi are above reproach, and none of their Order would have murdered so many out of spite.” 

Oh, boy. “You don’t know much about the Jedi, do you?”

“I have no first-hand knowledge, but the reputation of the Order is well-known. Jedi are peacekeepers, not killers.” Yeah, this little war thing is just an effort to keep the peace, not a major struggle between good and evil.

Evil. That’s… oh, that’s good. “I tell you what, Bwa’lass. There was a Selkath present when I was arrested, her name is Shasa.”

“Yes, I know the name. Her father, Shaelas, has been before the judges numerous times, demanding action against the Sith for kidnapping Selkath youth. However, he has never been able to produce evidence to his claims, and has been summarily dismissed each time.”

“Could it be managed for Shasa to give testimony? She’s a part of the story the judges will want to hear,” I say.

“As a youth, her father must be consulted on the matter. I will make the necessary inquiries prior to the start of the trial tomorrow.” I get the feeling he’s just humoring me, but he doesn’t have to believe me. He just has to do it.

“Thank you. After that your services are no longer needed. I think it’s best if I defend myself.”

He sighs again. ‘While that is your right, I strongly recommend against that,” he says again, “I am versed in all the necessary particulars of this case and Selkath law, off-worlder. You would do well to heed my advice.”

“Bwa’lass, I respect you and your knowledge,” I say, “But to put it bluntly, I think that if I rely on you for my entire defense, I’m not going to survive the trial. You’ve been a huge help, but once you’ve arranged for Shasa to testify, I can take it from there.”

“And if her father refuses?”

“I will cross that bridge when I get there.” The Sith master’s datapad should still be with my belongings. I know I heard the court officers record mine, but they were going through stuff before I got brought to this cell.

“Very well,” Bwa’lass says reluctantly, “You off-worlders are not known for your mental prowess. I shall leave your demise up to you.” He bows his head slightly and leaves.

Well. Nothing more to do now but wait.

#kotor #knights of the old republic #star wars #star wars knights of the old republic #autistic artist #fiction #specs writes stuff #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #kotor fic #carth onasi #bwa'lass #jolee bindo #manaan #death mention tw #sith #chapter 127

[spectraspecs-draws]

Day 13: Companion. Because it wouldn’t be kotor if i didn’t draw some revanasi

This is the last one I drew at work before I clocked out. But I’m supposed to be at the same place tomorrow, so I should be able to get another 12 or 13 done.

#kotober2020 #autistic artist #knights of the old republic #revanasi #drawing #doodle #traditional art #kotor #specs draws stuff #star wars #oc #carth onasi #rena visz #fem!revan

[spectraspecs-writes]

Manaan - Chapter 125

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 124. Chapter 126.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

The disassembly room is the other direction from the Selkath. We took a left to get there, we would have kept going straight to get to the north second of the base. So we backtrack back to where the path diverged and take a left, away from the base entrance.

A door. I don’t like the feel of it. I don’t let Carth or Canderous open it. “There’s a lot of power behind here,” I say, placing my hand on it, “Three Dark Jedi.”

“Don’t tell me you’re nervous,” Canderous says, “Not after you fought Malak.”

“I didn’t exactly win, in case you forgot,” I say, “And I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about you two. They’ll only have to worry about me going head to head, and I can’t fight three at once, which makes it all the easier for them to go after you. I’m not sure your armor can hold up against a lightsaber.”

“Is there any way around?” Carth asks. (Canderous scoffs and rolls his eyes, annoyed I guess at us wanting to avoid a fight. I don’t care if he’s annoyed as long as he doesn’t touch the door.)

I pull out my data pad, look at the base schematic. “… There’s a long way, but there’s a complicated series of pressurized doors in between. Plus there’s no guarantee there won’t be even more Dark Jedi if we went around.”

“I can’t believe you two,” Canderous says, “Especially you, Carth. We both faced greater challenges during the Mandalorian War. And, hells, Rena, you were one of the challenges. And now you both want to turn back to avoid facing a mere three Jedi? You faced more than that on the Leviathan.”

“When - while you were off with everyone else sitting safe and sound on the Hawk? Or when Rena was risking her life fighting Malak alone?” Carth snaps back.

“If it weren’t for me in the ship we would still be there,” Canderous growls, getting in Carth’s face, “We never would have made it out of the hangar if I hadn’t gone ahead and taken care of the guards.”

“Don’t make me laugh - we took out half the Sith on the entire ship; the others could have handled a few troopers in the hangar,” Carth scoffs, “Oh, but you’re right, we never would have gotten out without you.” He rolls his eyes. “No, you ran and took the easy job. Maybe if you hadn’t run from the harder fight, Bastila would still be here and we wouldn’t be in this situation!”

Canderous grabs hold of the fabric around Carth’s neck, teeth gritted. “Do not presume to call me coward when you have not fought my battles!”

“That’s enough!” I hiss at both of them, “We don’t have time for this, and even if we did you two are throwing any attempts at discretion out the window! It’s a wonder the entire base doesn’t know we’re here, let alone the three Dark Jedi on the other side of this door!” Carth avoids my eyes, almost embarrassed, but Canderous huffs and looks away like he’s ignoring me. If you guys want to argue so bad, do it when we’re out of the base, but for now, can we at least pretend to be a united front?”

Carth tugs at his shirt, straightening it. “You’re right, Rena. I’m sorry. We should focus on the problem at hand.”

Canderous says nothing. I don’t expect an apology, frankly. His pride is standing in the way of that. Plus, the only way Carth’s remarks could have struck so deep is if the wound was already open. He’s not innocent here by any stretch - he started the fight in the first place - but it’s definitely not the standard animosity between him and Carth. There’s more than that at play here.

Just like I need them to focus, so do I. How can three Sith be taken out quickly and with minimal injury for us? I could overload a power conduit, but I can’t see any access points here. Yes, we could technically go back to a computer, but every minute we’re here we risk detection and going back to the computer would take precious time. Going around is not the best plan - figuring out those pressurized doors would also take precious time. I wonder… Back on the Leviathan, I was able to figure out Jolee’s stunning trick, and it helped us win that fight fairly quickly. If I can stun even one of these Dark Jedi that will make the fight much easier. They’ll see me the moment I open the door, so I have to do it fast. Focus. One hand hovering over the door panel. “Get behind me,” I say, and they do (Canderous reluctantly.) I reach my other hand out and breathe. Focus. The minute I open the door I need them to be stunned. One… two… Tap the door panel, release the feeling. Two of them are stunned in the middle of turning their heads. The third is not. That’s okay, one is better than three. I jump to the one while Carth and Canderous focus themselves on the stunned two.

The unfrozen one is a master, the others his apprentices. He fights like Master Zhar does, the same movements, the same strength. But then for a moment he gets distracted. Usually, I’d take that moment of folly and gain an edge, but I see the same distraction out of the corner of my eye. Canderous, rather than solely using his blaster rifle, has wretched the lightsaber from one of the apprentices and is using it to attack the apprentice. Unsurprisingly, his form is sloppy and untrained. Lightsabers require different techniques than swords and vibroblades. not only is the weight different, but self-inflicted injuries from lightsabers can be fatal Despite his poor form, the apprentice falls quickly - technique or no, it’s a laser sword, if you can’t defend yourself it does a lot of damage - and Canderous rushes the master with a yell. The sheer force of his rage pushes me aside and catches the master off-guard. If I had come at him with rage, he would have encouraged me to give in to my anger. If I did that for even a second he would have a victory. But a non-Jedi… he isn’t prepared for that. Certainly not one with such brute strength as Canderous has right now. He pushes harder than the master expects, and cuts his head off with a shout.

I’m stunned myself. Why would he have done that? I had this sorted. He could have, would have, gotten himself killed if the master wasn’t so stunned that he couldn’t provide any defense. Canderous deactivates the lightsaber and stands over the corpse. The rage is pouring out of him like a gusher. He’s going to get us all killed if this keeps up! When I finally gather myself, I come up to him and shove him - for a moment he looks like he wants to strike back twice as hard, but he doesn’t. “What the hell was that?”

“You thought you couldn’t handle it, so I did!” he half shouts at me, “What’s your problem?”

“Look, I’m already questioning my capabilities, I don’t need you undermining them, too,” I say, “I said I couldn’t handle three Dark Jedi at once, so don’t put words in my mouth. I had this under control!”

“What does it matter? He’s dead! What does it matter if it was by my hand?”

“It clearly matters to you, otherwise you wouldn’t have cut his head off!” I shout back, “Taking that lightsaber was a stupid move. If you had any understanding of the Jedi you’d know it isn’t just a laser sword - you could have killed yourself! You could have killed me! And good luck freeing Bastila then!”

“I know exactly what it is, and that’s exactly why I took it!” He steps closer, challenging me. To my own surprise, I hold my ground. “I took the bond between him and his vaunted weapon and I used it against him, took the power to kill another. If this were the Mandalorian Wars you would have done the same thing. For all I know - for all you know! - maybe you did! But now? I look at you now…” His voice gets low. He surveys me. Not finishing his thought. Then he sighs. “Forget it.” He tries to step away.

I cut him off. “Say it!”

He meets my eyes, firing darts at me. “You’re not the same person who defeated my people,” he growls, “I could have counted on Revan to fight at my side, but you? Trying to avoid fights? Make them easier? You would have run from this fight if you could have. Revan never would have. Five years ago you bested my people in combat, but now I see fear behind your eyes. You’ve not Revan. Revan would have killed me where I stood. But you couldn’t even stop your own apprentice.”

“That’s enough!” Carth forces himself between us, “Canderous, whatever is going on with you, get ahold of yourself and stop using both of us as your personal punching bags. This is not the time. If you can’t follow Rena then go back to the entrance and wait. Otherwise your fight is with the Sith, not her.” Carth, I do not need you fighting my battles for me! “And you.” He turns to me. “We spent a whole week on Alderaan, a whole week of Master Zhar working with you to keep Revan under control. A whole week to convince you that you’re more than just Darth Revan. Do not let all that time go to waste.”

“What are you talking about? I’m fine!” I say loudly.

“I watched your fingers spark, don’t tell me you’re fine,” he pushes back.

They… they did? I didn’t even feel it. But Carth wouldn’t lie to me, especially not about something like that. If he hadn’t stepped in, I could have killed Canderous. No matter what he did, that doesn’t justify me electrocuting him to death.

Canderous huffs. He was looking for a fight and he’s angry he didn’t get one, but for now I think he’s going to let it go. Whatever is on his mind will come out soon enough, but we have to finish here first. However it happened, these three Dark Jedi are dead, and I doubt Canderous is going to make a habit out of using a lightsaber. It’s not an easy weapon to use. 

I consult the map again, to see which of the two doors here goes the right direction. Looks like… the door on the left; the one straight ahead goes to those pressurized doors. Left goes to those droids I deactivated earlier, and the part of the base where the Selkath most likely are. “This way,” I say, and I start ahead. But I don’t feel either man following me, at first. Which is weird - Canderous makes sense, but Carth, too? When I stop and turn around, though, they’re both following me, albeit further back than they would have been if they had been following me from the word go. Whatever. Not important.

#kotor fic #star wars #knights of the old republic #star wars knights of the old republic #oc #rena visz #fem!revan #ls!revan #carth onasi #canderous ordo #manaan #sith base #chapter 125 #death mention tw #death tw #fiction #autistic artist

[spectraspecs-writes]

Manaan - Chapter 126

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 125. Chapter 127.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma @darthvendar-blog @80strashbag thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

a/n - thanks Darth Vendar for unintentionally telling me to update my tag list!

——–

The two assault droids are still emitting a faint hiss as we pass through the large chamber. But more than the slight burn of the machinery, I smell something vaguely… fishy. God, that’s probably super racist. I will just��� keep that thought to myself. 

Not “fishy” like “suspicious”, I mean I smell fish. Wow, look at me not keeping my thoughts to myself.

I open the far door and hear something slapping against the floor. A bare foot. I can’t say for certain whether that bare foot is a foot or a flipper, but it’s definitely a bare foot, and it was running away from us. Well, there’s only one direction to go, so that must be where they went. Through another door, followed by more barefoot running away. Now it’s less certain where they went, but that’s not important since we’re where we wanted to be anyway. This is definitely a barracks and a training area. It looks a lot like the door layout of the Endar Spire. A place where soldiers would be. But it also resembles some of the training spaces on Korriban. For Jedi training. “They’re training the Selkath to be Jedi,” I say, “Dark Jedi, this could give them a massive political leg up.”

“Only if it works,” Carth says, “I imagine you have something to say on the subject.”

I chuckle shortly - yeah, no shit - and head for the dormitory in front of me. Four Selkath turn their heads towards the opening door, and their hands go to blasters when they realize we’re not Sith. 

“Intruders!” one exclaims, “Should we sound the alarm, Shasa?”

Shasa - that was the name Shaelas said, wasn’t it? His daughter. She also seems to be the de facto leader in the room. “No,” she says, “wait. We cannot always be running to the Masters for help. We should handle this on our own.” They relax, hands falling away from their blasters. 

“Perhaps this is a test the Sith have prepared for us?” one asks in a timid voice.

Shasa gives a small nod, and turns back to us. “What are you doing here? Only masters and apprentices are allowed in here.”

“My name is Rena,” I say, “Shaelas has me looking into the disappearance of young Selkath. I guess he meant you guys.”

 “I told you your father would get suspicious, Shasa!” one of them says, “He always hated the Sith!”

“My father doesn't understand,” Shasa says to both of us, “He is blinded by his own prejudice!” She turns fully to us. “The Sith are teaching us mastery of the Force. Our alliance with the Sith will bring strength to Manaan and the Selkath people!”

I scoff. “If I had a nickel for every time I heard that,” I say, “I’m sure that’s what they told you, but they were lying to you. They’re manipulating you for their own gain.”

“Republic propaganda,” Shasa scoffs, “The Sith are the victims of lies and half truths! They are not monsters - no more so than the Republic. The Sith have promised to guide us in the use of the Force, as a sign of their good faith.” And they make you use blasters instead of swords or lightsabers? “And once the Republic is defeated, the Sith have promised to withdraw from Manaan and respect our independence.”

Okay. Okay. Uh… no. “You do realize you’re basically forfeiting that independence by working with them, right?” Guys, seriously. You seem smarter than this. “You guys being here gives the Sith political leverage to bring Manaan into their empire. The opposite of independence - they’ll just take Manaan for their own.”

“Spare us your lies!” she exclaims, “The Sith have treated us with nothing but respect and honor! You speak as if we are prisoners here, but we can leave whenever we wish! Our friend Galas chose to leave, and he was returned safely to his home in Ahto City.”

But the others seem a bit less certain. “Shasa,” one says, “what if they speak the truth? Remember what happened at Taris…”  

“Taris is nothing but a Republic lie!” she says.

“I was there!” Canderous says, “It’s not a lie, the planet is decimated. Your ‘honorable’ Sith and their fleet bombed the planet into rubble.”

“Then you are nothing but a Republic puppet, echoing their lies!” Canderous growls and starts to step forward, but Carth stops him. “If the Sith are such monsters,” Shasa continues, “then prove it to us. Surely there must be some evidence of the ‘horrors’ they commit!”

“The Sith are evil, Shasa,” Carth says, “They will use you to conquer Manaan for the kolto.”

“So you say,” she says skeptically, “But why should we believe you? We need physical proof, not the words of some Republic sympathizers.”

“Give us some time, then,” I say, “We will find proof that the Sith are evil.”

Shasa seems unwilling to budge at just my word, but the others seem a bit more open-minded. “Shasa,” one says, “I think we should give them a chance to prove themselves.” The other two murmur in agreement.

Shasa hums slightly. “We will not report your presence to our Sith Masters yet,” she says, “If you bring us proof of Sith lies and torture we will return to our families and report this to the Ahto City authorities. Until then we shall stay here and continue our training in the ways of the Force.”

I nod. I doubt the same story that convinced Dustil will convince them, for any number of reasons. “Surely things are different here on Manaan than they were on Korriban,” I can hear them say, “Our Sith Masters are kind and would never outright slaughter one of us.” Which, of course they would. I have to wonder if Galas really did return home or was just killed and dumped in the ocean. Any suitable proof will be found in the hands of their Master. And somehow I know that that wasn’t the guy Canderous killed. That would be too easy. 

But I also suspect that their Master will be close by. Regular close contact with these kids would be essential for the plan I’m 99% certain they have. Being absent or uncommunicative for long stretches would lead to distrust and suspicion, and they’d be far less useful and effective at the task of taking over. There are two remaining rooms here. The one on the right has nothing but medical supplies and an old bloodied coin. Selkath blood, I suspect. I wrap the coin tightly in a plain bandage. While I suspect it would mean something to Shasa, it wouldn’t mean much alone. There would almost certainly be an accusation that I killed its owner, not the Sith. And what about the body? No, the coin alone does little for me. And so, to check the room on the left. This is a training room, with a droid that I quickly zap, and a door at the back which leads to a short hallway. There’s a sign on the door at the end of the hallway: “do not disturb.” Yeah, like that was ever going to work on me. Of course I open the door.

A Selkath is collapsed on the floor. Not quite dead but almost. And the Sith master standing over him, flanked by two Selkath apprentices. The dying one looks at me. “Please, tell Shasa… the Sith…” One of the apprentices shoots the dying Selkath, killing him.

“Does ‘do not disturb’ mean nothing to you people?” the master shouts, turning around. His anger shifts to confusion upon seeing us. “How did you get in here?” he asks, “Who are— Wait.” His eyes narrow. ‘I recognize you!” Yes, yes, Revan, we know. “Lord Malak was most displeased when he learned you had escaped Taris alive.” Taris? A bit behind on the news, there, aren’t you, bud? “He has promised a great reward to whoever destroys you.”

“You guys don’t get a lot of updates here, do you?” Canderous says. Evidently thinking the same thing I was. “I would have thought Malak would have sent word to his entire army once he told you your identity.” I shrug. The master says nothing.

“Master,” one of the Selkath apprentices says, “give us the honor of aiding you in destroying this enemy of the Sith.”

“As you wish, my eager apprentices,” the Master says. but he has to know they have no chances, not with those blasters. I think the master intends to have us do his dirty work for him and get rid of the witnesses to his murder. “We shall remove these thorns from Malak’s side once and for all!”

Before they can even ready their blasters, Canderous blasts them with his, one shot each. I feel bad for them, really, they were practically dead the minute they decided they wanted in on this fight. That just leaves the master and his double-bladed lightsaber. Carth tries to split the master’s focus but it is razor sharp on me. Without even looking at him, he pushes Carth away with the Force. I try to break Carth’s fall with my own Force - no idea how well I do but I try. but after that Carth stays back. The master wants me to himself.

“So,” the master says, “this is how the great Revan fights.”

“Oh you were just pretending not to know me, then?” I grunt, pushing hard, “Did you do that so the apprentices would want to jump in or were you just playing mind games for fun?”

He swings at my head and I duck. “I must admit, your entry was well-timed. I was going to have to kill them myself before they let slip the truth about Galas. But your timely arrival took that burden out of my hands.” Galas? Wasn’t that the Selkath Shasa mentioned that went back to his family? Which obviously didn’t happen. But she doesn’t need to see the body. I can give her that.

The master brings his lightsaber down over my head and I block it. “You know,” he says. “I expected a Sith lord to be more of a challenge than this.” Shut up. “Although in hindsight I’m not surprised - Malak was able to stop you so easily after all. But I have to wonder…” He pushes hard, and while I’m able to keep his lightsaber from touching me, my knees bend under the pressure. He brings his face close, the glow of his lightsaber illuminating every pore.” …why did he let you live?”

Great question. And if Bastila hadn’t been there I wonder what would have happened. But he doesn’t want discussion. He doesn’t want the truth. He wants to get under my skin. To either weaken my resolve or get me to strike in anger, securing a kind of win in either case. And I won’t give it to him. With as much power as I can muster, I push up against his lightsaber, buying myself enough time to roll out of the way. I make eye contact with Carth. I don’t know, I just… needed to know he was still there. ‘No snappy comeback, Revan?” the master quips, “Have you nothing to say? Could it be that you doubt yourself?”

No. No I don’t. Carth smiles at me. I’m the same person I was last week. The master swings his lightsaber. I think fast. Jump as high as I can manage. And aim my landing for right on top of the master. He can’t prepare. I fall right on top of him and run my lightsaber though the back of his throat.

I take a moment to catch my breath. Carth beams at me. He doesn't say anything, but that’s okay. His eyes say enough.

Canderous scans the room, looking for evidence to show the Selkath. “Think there’d be anything on his computer?”

“Nothing useful - you never keep your secrets in plain view,” I say, “More likely he’ll have a datapad - start checking desk drawers.” I quickly frisk the corpse, which feels as weird as it sounds, to no avail. No datapad on his person.

I hear a small blaster shot as Canderous shoots the lock off a drawer. Yeah, what’s a little property damage when you’ve committed murder? “Good call,” he says, “it’s not even locked.”

“The Selkath trust him,” Carth says, “he probably didn’t see the need for two locks.”

“My thoughts exactly,” I say, taking the datapad from Canderous. I’m not about to read the whole thing, I don’t have the patience. There’s a lot of discussion about politics, the workings of Selkath government. My eyes catch the word “infiltrate”, which becomes “infiltrate the government,” and I don’t read anymore. Exactly as I figured.

I take the datapad and the coin back to Shasa and the others. They gather around me as I carefully unwrap the coin. “It doesn’t mean anything to me, but I figured it would mean something to one of you. Or at least, I should return it.”

One tenderly reaches for it, takes the wrapping. “Shasa,” xe says slowly, “…this is the pin I gave Galas when we were children. There is blood on it.”

But Shasa remains unconvinced. “You could have found this anywhere!” she says loudly, “For all we know, you killed Galas!”

“Shasa,” the first says, xer voice trembling, “I believe them. How else would they have found this pin?”

“Well, I need more proof!”

I don’t want to tell them that Galas’ body is still here. In the master’s office. “If you need more proof,” I say, holding out the datapad, “I took this from your master’s office. It details plans to infiltrate and control the Selkath government.”

Shasa swipes it from my hand, silently reading the lines I skimmed over, her face dropping with every line until she reads the phrase I stopped at - “infiltrate the government.” “I…” she says softly, betrayal dripping from her open mouth, “I cannot believe it. And yet, the evidence is right before me. The Sith wanted to use us to betray Manaan!” She shakes her head and gives the datapad back to me. “I must apologize for doubting you. The Sith are truly as evil as you have claimed.”

The other three nod, utter an agreement. Galas’ friend speaks up again - “We must report this to the Ahto City authorities!” xe says.

“Yes,” Shasa agrees, “we must report this at once. We thank you, human, for showing us the truth. You have saved us from a terrible mistake.” She gestures to the others. “Quickly, my friends - we can stay here no longer. We must flee this foul embassy and warn our people against the plot to corrupt the Manaan youth.” The other apprentices leave before her. “Rena,” she says to me, “you have shown us the way. The least I can do is guide your way. Please, come with us.”

“I’ll find my own way out,” I assure her, “Don’t worry.”

“I am not worried that you will find your way to the entrance,” she clarifies, “The laws of Manaan forbid unauthorized use of weapons, and even though this enclave is sovereign, I fear you will be taken into custody when you leave. Please, come with us. If we vouch for you, we may be able to impact the authorities, the courts.”

I smile. “Thank you, Shasa,” I say, “You are very wise and very kind. I will gladly follow your lead.”

The walk back to the elevator is silent, as Shasa leads us back the way we came. Though she is able to effectively block me from reading her, I can tell she has a lot of missed wheeling about the carnage we wrought on our way here. She may have trained with some of these Sith personally, met them, knew their names. Even knowing their plans, that doesn’t take away their personhood. She tries not to think about it.

As the elevator rises back towards the surface, I can feel the large number of Selkath gathered there, waiting to apprehend us. When it opens, a tall gray Selkath steps forward. “You there, human!” he shouts, “You are placed under the arrest of the Ahto City Civil Authority!”

Shasa steps in front of us. “Please, Captain!” she says, confident, “Allow me to explain! I will vouch for them!”

“Your companions have already explained, child,” he says, “And your testimony will be considered in court. In the meantime I must take them into custody.” He looks back at me. “You have the right to know the charges,” he says, and proceeds to explain, “Though the Sith Embassy here is considered sovereign territory of the Sith Empire,” - as Shasa said - “we have been monitoring an alarming number of weapons discharges and detonations from within the base. Inquiries to the staff of the Embassy yielded no response. It would seem that our contact had been cut. Our cameras recorded you and your accomplices entering the base shortly before contact was lost and fighting apparently began. It is the conclusion of the Ahto City Civil Authority that you are responsible for the disturbance here, and you are hereby placed under arrest. You will come with us to await your trial.”

“I will come with you,” I say, “but let my friends return to our ship. They were only following my instructions and should not be punished for my crimes.”

“Rena, don’t—!” Carth starts to say, but I hold my arm out to stop him. Turn to look at him. I’ll be okay. And if I’m not, they need to find the Star Map without me. To finish the mission.

”As material witnesses,” the officer says, “the individuals who accompany you will be detained at your vessel, and the vessel itself prohibited from leaving Manaan. My lieutenants will escort them there.” He nods at two other officers, who stand near Carth and Canderous. “We will leave. Now. Do not attempt to resist, or we shall resort to overwhelming force.” I nod, and surrender myself.

#kotor fic #star wars #knights of the old republic #star wars knights of the old republic #autistic artist #fiction #specs writes stuff #oc #rena visz #fem!revan #ls!revan #death mention tw #blood mention tw #murder mention tw #carth onasi #canderous ordo #sith #manaan #chapter 126 #sith base #kotor

[spectraspecs-writes]

Manaan - Chapter 123

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 122. Chapter 124.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag. (god are any of you even still active)

A/N - I have a new job! I work IT! Which is only one part of the reason that I haven't updated or really written a lot.

ugh tumblr desktop

——–

The Republic enclave is in the other direction from the mercenary enclave. I try to keep an eye on the sea, try to keep calm and focused, I just want to get this done. One step at a time. Some Sith try to sling insults and taunts at us, but I don’t pay attention to it. I’m not in any mood to fight or play. I just need to focus.

At the enclave. A dude at a desk - he looks important. “Welcome to Manaan,” he says, “I am Roland Wann. As the official representative of the Republic Embassy on this planet, I am here to help all citizens of the Republic should they require aid.”

Okay, well, aid I certainly require. “I’m on a mission from the Jedi Council,” I say, “Maybe you can help me with it.”

He looks a little shocked. Awestruck, maybe. “Uh… of course, of course. I will do whatever I can,” he says. But then a hint of confusion. “But I am only a simple diplomatic representative of the Republic. I doubt I can be of any use to the Jedi Council.”

“You know more about the planet than I do,” I say, “just by merit of living here. I’m looking for a Star Map, a remnant of an ancient and forgotten race. I had a vision that told me it was on the ocean floor.” A vision. No, a memory. But what does it really matter? I know it’s down there, I just need to know where and how to get there.

A look of understanding passes Roland Wann’s face. “An ancient and forgotten race…” he repeats contemplatively,”… and you think it may be here on Manaan? Hm…”

“I don’t think it’s here, I know it is,” I reiterate, “Does it sound familiar?”

“Well… ” he says slowly, “…perhaps. But if you want to get information about that, you'll have to do something for me first.”

Everyone wants something from me. Everyone wants me to do something for them. Like people take one look at the lightsaber and think “how can I exploit this person for my own benefit?” But here… I don’t have much choice here, do I? I have to get that Star Map. To find Bastila, to stop Malak, to save the galaxy, to end the war. And maybe, if I’m lucky, to make some peace with myself. I sigh. “What do you want me to do?”

“We were using a submersible reconnaissance droid in the ocean surrounding Ahto City and it was... damaged,” he says. Damaged how? “It took a data recording of the outside of the city before being driven off by the firaxan sharks.” Those are pretty ballsy sharks, recon droids are massive. “But while it was returning to the surface it encountered difficulties and was disabled. Its automatic systems floated it to the surface, but we could not retrieve it in time. The Sith were applying subtle pressure to the Selkath authorities for some reason we have not determined, and were able to delay us long enough that they could retrieve the droid before we did. The droid's data centers are heavily encrypted, so it will take the Sith several days, we believe, to get to its data. It was captured 12 hours ago. It is imperative that we get it back.”

“What’s the recording of, out of curiosity?” I ask.

“It's intelligence information about Sith activities on Manaan,” he says, “as well as some oceanographic reports on the local marine life.”

Intelligence on the Sith? Couldn’t that be a violation of Manaan’s neutrality? If the Republic is trying to undermine the Sith, that could lead to kolto sanctions or, worse, being banned from Manaan altogether. He seriously wants to risk that? Am I the only one who cares?

Carth touches my shoulder. “Rena?” he asks gently, “Something on your mind?”

Yeah, something’s on my mind! Does the Selkath’s neutrality, and the very real consequences for violating it, matter to nobody? The Sith are out here probably kidnapping Selkath youth, the Republic is spying on the Sith from underwater, they could both have their rights to the kolto revoked, functionally losing the war, and that doesn’t matter to them? I could turn this over to the Selkath, maybe they’d appreciate my commitment to their neutrality if I give them the data recording. Maybe they’d even tell me about the Star Map, because how could they not be aware of it, even a little? But then again, maybe they wouldn’t for the sake of their neutrality. Then I would have just betrayed the Republic and screwed myself over, twice. I don’t know. My head is too full. I can’t think. “Nothing,” I lie, “It’s nothing.” He doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t push it.

“You need our information,” Wann says, “and I guarantee you that you will never be able to get it unless we have our secrecy guaranteed against the Sith.”

“Where is the droid?” Carth asks.

“It is heavily guarded, we are sure, in the Sith Embassy here on Manaan.” Oh, you mean the palace that, if I break into it, I’ll be arrested? That place? A place that, if I enter, as a Republic citizen, working for the Republic, could get the Republic trade sanctions on Manaan? Cut them off from life-saving kolto? That place? That Sith Embassy? For God’s sake. “Since we have no remaining soldiers to spare, and certainly not our elite ones, we have no one capable of entering the Sith base and retrieving it. That is what we would ask you to do.”

I… I don’t know. I don't feel very good. “Let me…” I start to say, “... can I get back to you?” I don’t even give him time to answer, I need to go. I step out and go to the window. Look out at the ocean. 

Nope, that’s not helping. That’s not helping at all. That’s making me feel worse. I sit down on a bench and face away from the window.

I see Carth sort of half-jog over to me from the enclave. “I had a feeling you weren’t all right,” he says, sitting next to me. 

“No, I feel like shit, actually,” I say. I smirk a bit. “But then you’ve seen me like this before,” I say, “On Taris.”

He remembers. “No,” he says, shaking his head, “Taris was different.” Different? Different how? “On Taris you were angry. This isn’t angry, this is… scared.”

“I’m not scared,” I say.

“And you’re still a lousy liar.”

“I’m not lying, I swear!”

“Rena,” he says, looking at me gently with those big, deep eyes of his, “maybe you can fool yourself, but I’ve known you for three months, we’ve spent three months in close quarters. Maybe you can fool yourself, but you can’t fool me. You’re scared of something.”

I don’t know what he’s talking about, seriously. “So what, exactly, am I afraid of, Detective Onasi?”

“You’re doubting your own abilities,” he says without missing a beat, “You’re afraid that, even with everything you’ve already done, you can’t do it anymore.”

Wait, what? That’s… that’s ridiculous, that’s not true! That’s- that’s not true at all. “I don’t know why you’re afraid of that,” he says, “I mean, I know why in your head. I’m saying it’s not rational.” So you’re saying this fear, that I don’t even have, that you’re saying I do have, isn’t rational? You’re calling me irrational now? “You’re still the same person you were last week.”

“But I’m not, am I?” I say quickly, “I’m not and I never will be again. I’m completely different now, and nothing you can say will change that.”

“But you’re not completely different,” he says. Yeah, dude, yeah I am. “Forget about Revan for a second.”

“Forget about Revan?” I repeat, “How can I ‘forget’ about it? How can I just ‘forget’ being lied to by the Jedi Council about my identity, having memories implanted in my head, being used, being surveilled - how can I just ‘forget’ that?!”

“Rena, I’m not going to fight with you,” he says calmly, “If the past week taught me anything, it’s that shouting at you is the wrong way to go about this.” Then how can you just tell me to “forget” about Revan? “And since I disagree with Master Zhar that quoting the Jedi Code will mean anything to you, I’m just going to wait.”

Wait, you…? “You talked with Master Zhar?” I ask, in a softer voice.

“He made a point of finding me on Alderaan,” he says, “I was mad about it for a while, but apparently Bastila was reporting back to the Council about you, and my name came up more than once. They put two and two together.”

“And he told you to quote the Jedi Code at me.” Why am I not surprised? 

“‘There is no emotion, there is peace,’” he recites, “He insisted I should say that to you if you got upset, but I thought that was the wrong way to go. And from your change in tone, it looks like I was right.” I can’t help but smile at him. He’s just… so adorable. “As I was about to say,” he continues, “maybe in your head you’ve changed, and maybe just the idea of Revan is having an effect mentally, but physically? You have the exact same skill set, the same physical capabilities you had last week.” Well… “I watched you jump across a room on Dantooine. And you disabled those ancient, massive droids on Korriban. You became the Taris duel champion, stole the Ebon Hawk from Davik, broke into a Sand People settlement and made peace, helped kill a krayt dragon, took on the most dangerous bounty hunter in the galaxy, killed a grand total of four ancient Sith creatures, two of them on your own, and you’re worried you won’t be able to break into a Sith base?”

Well… when you put it that way… “I guess,” I say in a small voice, “Mostly, though, I’m worried what this could do to Republic kolto exports. We’re obviously Republic-allied, it would be hard for anyone to believe the Republic wasn’t involved.”

He gives me a sort of glance at first, like I’m just coming up with more excuses. But he acknowledges that it’s a valid concern. “You and I both know the Sith aren’t innocent in this,” he says, “They’re trying to get their hands into the Selkath government to get more kolto for themselves.”

“So because they’re doing it, so should we.” Really, dude?

“You don’t believe that and you know it,” he says, “I know it because I know you. You’ve said it yourself, the Sith actively want to hurt people, you don’t support that. You don’t believe laws are absolute, and if doing the right thing means breaking a law, then you will watch the law shatter. Don’t even try to tell me you wouldn’t.”

He’s right. Again. I just feel so nervous. So not myself. Whatever that means anymore. I think it would be nice sometimes if I didn’t have to be myself.

Wait. That’s an idea. That’s a good idea. “What if we weren’t ourselves?”

Carth straightens, confused. “What do you mean?”

“As ourselves, we’d never get into the Sith base without risking the Republic kolto exports,” I say, “But the Republic is hiring mercenaries at a prodigious rate, and if I was a Sith diplomat seeing that, I’d want to hire some, too, just to stop the Republic from hiring them. Canderous is still down in the cantina looking into it - if he gets a job offer from the Sith, then we could get into their base, no questions asked. Plus we end up taking Sith money, so everyone wins. Except the Sith, of course.”

Carth smiles at me. “That’s the Rena I know,” he says. He stands and extends a hand to help me up. I don’t need the help but I take it anyway, just because it feels nice.

As we walk back to the Republic base, I buzz Canderous on my comlink. “Next Sith job you get, take it, and say you’re bringing along two other mercs.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a fun little scheme in the works,” he says, “I like it. I’ll let you know when I’ve got the job.”

While Carth was talking to me, Juhani was talking to Roland Wann. “Ah,” he says when he sees us come back, “you’re back. I was just telling your companion here about our possible leads into the Sith base. I assume you will be assisting us, as your friend said.”

“I will, but I’ve got my own lead,” I say, “We know the Republic has been hiring a lot of mercenaries - is it safe to assume the Sith have been doing the same?”

“Well… yes, that’s true, but --”

“The Sith are going to hire us,” I say quickly.

Wann is stunned into silence. It is Juhani who speaks first. “Rena,” she says slowly, “Are you sure that is wise? What if Canderous is unable to get recruited?”

My comlink buzzes. “This is Canderous. I just got recruited by the Sith. The recruiter gave me three base passes - we can go whenever you’re ready.”

I can’t help but give Juhani a smug little grin. “Thanks, Canderous,” I say, “We’ll meet back up with you soon.”

Now Juhani is stunned into silence. “As effective a method as that is,” Roland Wann says, finally able to speak, “it also sounds incredibly risky. I would advise you at least hear the leads we already have.”

“But that’s all you have - leads,” I say, “May way, I already have a guaranteed way in, and an excuse if the Selkath accuse me of breaking in on behalf of the Republic.” He tries to object a little. “I don’t know why you’re complaining - we get in, get your droid information, you tell us about the Star Map, we all go home happy.”

”The Sith base itself is very heavily guarded,” he says, “If they became aware of your presence, I fear you would be quickly outnumbered and killed.”

”I’ve been outnumbered and killed before, I can do it again.”

”You’ve been killed before?” he asks skeptically.

”I know what I said,” I say. I was a Sith Lord, apparently, and I’ve come to discover I still have the muscle necessary. I was able to do a pretty good job against Malak, after all.

He gives a bit of a shrug. “If you’re sure, then,” he says, scribbling a number on a piece of paper, “If you change your mind, here is a passcard to get you inside our facility, as well as the access code to the reconnaissance droid. If you decide to try one of our leads, you should find all the information you need to get started inside. As long as you get the data recording back, use whichever method you like.” He hands me the Republic passcard and the slip of paper with the access code. “I wish you luck in your task,” he says, “Should you retrieve the data recording from the droid, return it here to me and we can see about getting you that information.”

“I admit,” Juhani says as we leave the Republic base, “I am nervous about this plan.”

“I don’t see what there is to worry about,” I say, “We have legitimate passes into the Sith base and a cover. Sure, It’ll probably involve a fight, but I don’t think there was ever a scenario where there wouldn’t be a fight.” I shrug, “If you’re so nervous, you don’t have to go. Carth, Canderous, and I can Do it.” She doesn’t respond. ‘We should head back to the shit anyway to put on more inconspicuous clothes. Me and Canderous are definitely going, but he’s only got three passes, so you two can either fight it out or just surrender to the other. Your call.”

She looks at Carth, and the two of them seem to have a completely nonverbal conversation in the space of four seconds. Until finally, “Perhaps you are right,” she says, “I do not think I could pass as a mercenary. I shall stay behind.”

Okay, glad that’s settled. Now all we need to do is look the part.

#kotor fic #star wars #knights of the old republic #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor #fiction #rena visz #fem!revan #ls!revan #manaan #selkath #carth onasi #juhani #roland wann #canderous ordo #chapter 123 #oc

[spectraspecs-writes]

Manaan - Chapter 124

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 123. Chapter 125.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

For me, looking the part is not too difficult. I just pull off the robe tunic. I also stow my purple lightsaber in my pack, and hide my blue one under my pant leg. Mercenaries don’t use lightsabers. I didn’t realize how much I missed my swords. I put them on my belt. And easy as that I look like a mercenary. And you’d think it would be that simple for Carth, but it’s not. He has to leave his orange jacket behind. it’s too easily recognized as Republic colors. But it takes a good ten minutes to pick out some armor that makes him look enough like a mercenary to pass the first security checkpoint. Once he’s done that, though, we meet back up with Canderous and head to the Sith base.

As expected it looks just the same as any other Sith base. It’s very sterile. But it looks like they take this place seriously, if the four war droids are any indication. I’m not particularly worried, though. We have legitimate passes, mercenary passes.

The man at the checkpoint stops us. “Only people who have business with the Sith are allowed inside the embassy,” he says.

I let Canderous do the talking. He has experience here and as an actual mercenary he’ll hold up under scrutiny. “We have business,” he says, holding out the passes, “We were hired as mercs earlier today.” The officer takes the passes and looks at them closer. ‘Unless you’d rather we go work for the Republic.”

The security officer scoffs, but I can tell, he doesn’t want to get in any hot water for turning us away. “Hmph,” he sighs, “Yes, well, I suppose you really do have business here. Head on in.”

Canderous just gives a small nod and we move past the security desk towards the elevator. That’s the hard part done with, then. The elevator ride is still very anxious, though, and even though I’m certain I can handle whatever’s down there, I’m still annoyingly nervous.

The elevator stops. I take a deep breath. It opens. I let Canderous take the lead again. He looks the part more than I do. He presents our passes to the desk attendant, just like he did upstairs. And so far it looks like we’re in the clear. The desk attendant looks familiar somehow, though, and I can’t tell if it’s a remnant from Revan’s memory, my mind and anxiety playing tricks on me, or if I really have seen him before. Just act natural, Rena, just act natural.

But as I pass, he stops us. “Hold on a moment,” he says, looking at me, scrutinizing my face, “Weren’t you on Korriban a couple weeks ago?”

Shit. I remember. When I hacked the Sith Academy to get Dustil’s info, a Sith trooper got suspicious. I managed to lie my way out of it, but I probably only got away with it because he didn’t want any trouble for himself. And, probably, because he was about to get transferred and didn’t want to take the risk of ruining it. So he did get transferred, apparently, and got transferred here. Play it cool, Rena, act natural. “I’ve never been to Korriban in my life.” And try to keep moving.

He grabs my arm. Carth twitches, but keeps his cover. “No,” the Sith says, narrowing his eyes, “I remember.” He glances at Carth “You and your companion - you were both there!” Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. “So… you were just a simple tech, transferred from the fleet, fixing something for a ‘Sith master”, were you?” He scoffs. “And now you’re trying to pass yourself off as a mercenary? What sort of fool do you take me for?” I pull my arm out, but escape won’t be so easy.

The elevator opens, and out comes the man from the upstairs checkpoint, followed by the four war droids. “Lieutenant,” he asks the trooper, “what’s the meaning of this? I checked their passes myself. They were hired on this morning.”

“Perhaps their passes were legitimate, Commander Grann,” the trooper says, “but they are not. I encountered them at my last posting. Whoever this woman is, she’s no mercenary. I suspect they’re Republic spies!”

The commander balks. “Sound the alarm! Droids, destroy them!”

Well, shit. It’s okay, I can do this. In a split second, I take a breath. Channel my nerves and anxiety, focus, just like Master Zhar said. Call the lightning to my fingertips. Disable the droids. Overload. I can draw my swords faster than my lightsaber, so I pull them and face the trooper. He pulls his own sword and brings it to meet mine. There’s a fire in his eyes, like he’s been waiting for a fight. Eager. And despite my display of the Force, he thinks this is a fight he can win. And frankly… he has a chance. There’s a lot of strength behind his sword, and more technique than I’m used to seeing from rank and file Sith soldiers.

What’s wrong with me? This man is not my match. I have faced worse threats than this, stronger fighters than this. Come on, Rena. Get off your ass. You can do this. Easy. He brings his sword down over my head but I catch it, scissoring it between my own swords. He tries to push down. I push back. He grits his teeth. Time for an unexpected move. Barely even thinking, I collide his head with my own. Which hurts like hell for me at least, and causes him to stumble. Uneven footing. I sweep his legs out from under him. And now I’ve got him on the ground. I deal the final blow.

But I find myself wishing I hadn’t. Not because I think he’ll be useful or anything. It’s just… like a shadow creeping up in my head. Making me question who I am. Like there has been for the past week. Focus, Rena, focus. You’re no good like this.

While I was focused on my trooper, Carth and Canderous must have taken care of Commander Grann from upstairs. Now Canderous is blasting the war droids for good measure. I decide to stick to the computer. The first thing I do is turn off the alarm. We do not need to deal with troops coming to defend the lobby, and hopefully this means we won’t have to deal with the police when we leave. Next, I don’t want to spend a whole lot of time in here if I don’t have to, so I want to know where I’m going. Best way to know is to check the security camera. Disassembly room - that’s where I’d put a droid I was trying to get information out of. Check the camera… that looks like a recon droid to me, and they are doing their damnedest to get the data core out. Odds are the main thing stopping them is a deceptively simple lock. Recon dories don’t have personality subroutines like utility or protocol droids do. Not generally, anyway. In fact, as far as dories go, there’s not a lot to them. A variety of sensors, a preset route, some basic cartography software, and that’s it. Sure, you can add more bells and whistles, but that just means more stuff that can go wrong. Once you’ve programmed your recon droid, it’ll carry out that programming until it finishes, gets recalled, runs out of power, or is otherwise impaired, like this one. When it’s done, you extract the data core, download the data, wipe it, and start again. Generally speaking, the data core is protected by whatever weatherproofing is appropriate for the situation. In this case, I’d imagine it’s completely watertight. But since this is also a droid for spying, the Republic wouldn’t let it go without some extra security surrounding the data core. Hence, a deceptively simple lock. There’s no computer to access the droid, so there’s nothing to hack. Sure, you could lease your way in, but then you risk destroying the data core.

Not to say there’s not a way to break in, of course. You can break into pretty much anything, depending on how much time and effort you put into it. They’ve had it for twelve hours and haven’t made any progress yet. All of this is moot, however, since I’ve got the key code to access the core, to open the deceptively simple lock. The information on the core still has to be decrypted, but that’s not my concern. I just need to grab the core and go.

“Are you seeing anything about those missing Selkath?” Carth asks.

To be honest I had nearly forgotten about them. Just focused too hard, I guess. “No, but then I was looking for the droid, give me a second.” Okay, Selkath. If I were the Sith, and I was trying to sway Selkath youth to my side, taking them into my base, where would I put them? I’d want to make them feel special, show them that all the hype, all the bad press about my organization just isn’t true. I wouldn’t trust the rank-and-file troopers that staff my base to maintain that facade, though. So access to them would be limited, if not eliminated altogether. So. A part of the base, with only one or two access points, with a dormitory section. Pull up a base schematic… Bam. “The north section of the base. That’s where I’d keep them.”

Carth and Canderous both look at the schematic over my shoulder. “Looks like a strategic spot,” Canderous says.

“I tend to agree,” Carth says - and the fact that he can say that without puking, I swear - “it looks pretty secure. But it also… looks a little too easy. Doesn’t it?” Canderous nods, sort of hums in agreement. Carth points out a relatively large room with no label. “That seems like a good place for an assault droid.”

Hmm. “Let me just check the power levels.” That’s a pretty high level for a room with nothing in it, as far as the computer is concerned. “Good hunch,” I say, “Just give me two seconds…” Alpha, alpha, double bar, beta, sigma, little red star… “Assault droids deactivated, force field down.” That probably won’t be the only obstacle, but it’s a huge one out of the way. “Droid first, then the Selkath. Agreed?” They nod. Cool.    

I follow the schematic down the hallway to the north. If I’m reading this map right, I take the only left, and follow it, then go left again to get to the recon droid. Before I open the door, I place my hand on it. Trying to see what’s on the other side. Echoes in the Force. “Three troopers and two droids,” I say softly, “One of the troopers has grenades, he’s in the corner.” I pull my blue lightsaber from its hiding place. I don’t think I need my purple one just yet. “I’ll take out the droids, then Canderous, you focus on the grenadier. Carth, you okay covering us?”

“You got it.”

Okay. Deep breaths, deep breaths. You can do this. Three… two… one… open the door.

It takes a couple seconds to fully process that we’re not Sith and we’re not supposed to be here, and those few seconds cost them dearly. I channel the lightning again, striking the droids down. Then, I go for the trooper closest to the recon droid. Canderous comes in right behind me and goes right for the grenadier. Carth’s focus shifts, but he mostly keeps an eye on the third trooper. It’s not long before all three are dead, and I can pull out the data core and put it in my pack. I put my swords in there as well, and take out my purple lightsaber. I’ve got a bad feeling about finding the Selkath. We’ll be able to find them, sure, and I know they’re alive because I saw it on the security cameras. But there’s a fight between us and them, I just know it.

#kotor fic #star wars #star wars knights of the old republic #knights of the old republic #autistic artist #fiction #oc #rena visz #fem!revan #ls!revan #carth onasi #canderous #manaan #sith base #canderous ordo #chapter 124

[spectraspecs-writes]

Alderaan - Chapter 120 (Carth)

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 119. Chapter 121.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

A/N: There we go, last of the purely original content. That was a slog. An enjoyable slog. But a slog. Also, fuck Master Zhar for being right /lh

——–

Hallway. Dark. No. No. I don’t want to be here. Where is my lightsaber? I can’t see! Try to feel my way along. Taking broad steps to feel as much of the hallway as I can. Feel a weight in my chest. Heavy. Won’t go away. Hard to breathe. Every breath feels shallow. Red lights. No. No, that’s not good. What do they mean? Engine trouble? Attack? Intruder? Is it me? Where am I? Sith ship. I don’t know which ship. Is Malak here? I need to get out. Get out get out get out. How did I get here? Where’s the Hawk? Where are the escape pods? I have to get out. I don’t want to be here. Where is my lightsaber? I can’t feel anything. No Force. No indication of where to go. I don’t want to be here. Someone’s behind me. I don’t know who. I can’t see them. I don’t want to be here! A yell. Angry. Vengeful. Murderous. No! I’m sorry! I don’t want --!

“Gah!” I wake up with a start. My fingers sparking. I shocked myself in my sleep again. I won’t say it’s easy, the emotional control I need to not shock everything, but at least it’s possible when I’m awake. When I’m asleep, I’m at the mercy of my subconscious. At the mercy of the nightmare. Is this going to be a problem for the rest of my life? Should I just start wearing rubber gloves to bed so my nightmares don’t cause me to shock myself?

I hear a startled grunt. Carth. Again? “You okay?” he asks sleepily.

I sigh. “How many times do I have to tell you, you don’t have to stay there. I’ll be fine.”

“At least once more,” he says. Cute - why is he still so cute?

“I don’t know where you expect me to go,” I say, “We’re in hyperspace. One space walk is enough for a lifetime.”

“It’s not that I expect you to go anywhere,” he says. Oh, really? You were before, when I was going to run on Alderaan. What would you have done if Jolee hadn’t stopped me? Would you have let me go? Would you have tracked me down across the planet? Would you have stayed? Maybe the others would. But would you? “I’m just… I’m worried about you.”

Worried about me? You’re worried. You’re worried about the woman formerly known as Darth Revan. Bullshit. I turn over to face him. How thickheaded can he possibly be? “Stop caring about me,” I say firmly, “I’m fine. I don’t need it.” I won’t make this hard for you, I know you’re staying because you can do more good here, but I also know you’ll be gone as soon as this is over, I don’t want you to stay for me. Because I know this is why you want to go. I know Revan is why.

“Well, I do need it,” he says, “I can’t just stop caring about you, so you’re stuck with it.”

“Why? Because of your promise to ‘protect’ me?”

“For one thing, yes.”

Well, you’ll have to find another reason to live past Saul, because I won’t make you protect someone you hate. But I won’t say that. I can’t say that. I don’t know. And it’s not worth working myself up over it. So I just roll over. Try to get back to sleep.

Carth sighs. He looks at where the lightning hit my leg. “That looks like a nasty electrical burn,” he says.

I cover up my thigh, which stings. You don’t need to torture yourself looking at me. “I’ve had worse,” I say shortly. Which is a lie. No, I haven’t had worse. I’ve never had electricity like that across my bare skin before. And never my leg. Any time I’ve been shocked by a droid, it was less intense, for less time, from a smaller source area, and on my hands or arms, which can take more of a beating. And this blanket is scratchy, pricking my skin. But I’ll be fine. I can handle it.

“Will you let me help?” he asks.

“I’ll be fine,” I say. But I can feel him staring at me still. Not my leg. Me. His gaze boring a hole through the back of my head. He knows I’m a lousy liar, and he can tell when I’m lying. No. I don’t want him touching me. I don’t want to torture myself with something I can’t have anymore. And I won’t let him torture himself with thoughts about “what we had” and “what we can never be.” I don’t want to make it harder for him to leave. But I can still feel him staring. He’s not going to go away or stop asking. So I sigh again and uncover myself. “If it’ll make you happy.”

He silently pulls a kolto patch out of his jacket pocket. Gently unwraps it and places it very particularly on the burn. It feels like hours pass in the silence of a few seconds, just hearing the thrum of the engine and the air vents pumping in filtered oxygen. Then, “For the record,” he says, “I don’t hate you.”

I scoff. “I find that hard to believe.” Although it kills me. “There are so many reasons to.”

“I know,” he says. Thanks a lot. “I’ve tried to hate you. For my wife… for Telos... for Dustil. This whole week, I just kept… hashing it out in my head. But every time I found a reason to hate you… I just- I couldn’t.”

With the kolto patch securely taped to my leg, I turn over and sit up. “Why couldn’t you?”

He shrugs a bit. “I never knew Revan - you - before, during the war. I don’t know what her intentions were. I don’t know why she did… anything. And despite their claims to the contrary, neither do the Jedi. I- I spent hours, looking through their archives - what they’d let me look at, anyway - trying to find some- some hint, some clue, about it. Of anything. So as much as they might tell me, or you might tell me, that there’s no justification, I… I just don’t know.”

“Three months ago you were telling me that anyone who betrayed the Republic deserved no mercy.” Seems like… I don’t know, he was pretty upset about it at the time. I didn’t think he’d change his mind for anyone, even me.

“I know. And I--” He sighs. Trying to find his words, maybe. “I got the revenge I always wanted when Saul died,” he says, but it hasn't brought me the peace that I thought it would. I knew his motivations --”

I laugh shortly. “That’s basically all he said, the guy never shut up.” He chuckles a bit. “I almost wonder if that’s a Sith thing, because I’ve never met anyone working for the Sith who was succinct.”

“I can assure you, he was like that before,” Carth says with a smile. I missed his smile. “Anyway, I know why he betrayed the Republic. He- he was after power. He wanted to be on the side of victory, and I guess Malak convinced him that was the Sith. I know evil… and that was it. And Malak. And… so many of the Dark Jedi we’ve faced since this started. But Revan… I don’t know. I’ve even tried coming up with justifications of my own. But I didn’t know her. So every time I tried to come up with a reason… I just know you wouldn’t do any of that. Despite whatever part of Revan is inside you, the… the darkness that must surely be there, it isn't who you are. And every time I thought of a reason to hate you, all I could think about was the promise I made to protect you from what's going to come. It's given me a reason to look past simple revenge.

“That's why I can't hate you, why I don't want any more revenge. You don't have to be Revan, you can be so much more. Whatever the Jedi did to you, agree with it or not, they gave you that chance.”

I… I feel like my heart stopped beating. This is just… so. Goddamn. Sweet. I think… I needed all this. I needed to hear this. Because I… despite all the work with Master Zhar, and despite any evidence to the contrary… I haven’t been in a good place lately. I know, big surprise. I think I’ve been moving forward simply because I have to. After Malak… I have no idea what I’d do. But I certainly had no plans. I couldn’t. Living with myself… all the deaths I’ve caused. Not just Revan, but me. Since the Endar Spire. I’m not okay with it. I just knew if I thought about it too hard, I’d drown. I don’t think I have the strength to just give up and die, but I could easily just… go away. Run away and lose myself. Fling myself into the far reaches of space and start again. Because my memories may not be real, but I could still use them. I know how to survive on my own. The same way I know about droids and dueling, those skills are in my blood, in my bones. And if he hated me… it would have been that much easier to just run. If he hated me. But he doesn’t. I can’t help but cry. I don’t want to. But I can’t help it. I hold in my sobs, but I can’t control my eyes.

But not hating me is a far cry from loving me. Not hating me means he won’t execute me in my sleep. Hell, even liking me just means he’ll help with this whole thing, stopping the Sith. It doesn’t mean… anything. It doesn’t mean… that. But how can I say…? “What are you thinking about?” he asks, interrupting my spiraling thoughts, “You’re trying to say something, I can tell.”

God, he’s so perceptive. I have to close my eyes to say it. “I won’t keep you here,” I manage to say haltingly, “After this… if you want to go… I won’t stop you.”

He’s silent. I can’t open my eyes, I can’t look at him. Then he laughs a little. Almost a sad laugh, but not quite. “You have a solution to damn near every problem - how can you be so smart but still so thick headed?” Wait… what? I open my eyes. He’s smiling at me. And it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. “Have you spent this whole time thinking I want to leave?” Well… yeah. Thinking there was just something stopping you. “Rena… no,” he says tenderly, “I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I…” He laughs again. “I was afraid you would want me to leave. That’s the last thing I want. Because you- you have this huge destiny waiting for you, and I just fear that if you're alone it could swallow you whole. At- at first I was angry, I was petty and spiteful. There were moments I was prepared to let it. But now… knowing that I could have… done something… and let it happen anyway… I couldn’t. I can’t, I won’t, let you face that alone. I mean… that huge destiny… is there room in there for me? Will you let me help you?”

I don’t know. If he got hurt… if he… “I don’t want you hurt protecting me, Carth.”

“I think I’d be hurt worse if I didn’t try,” he says without even a second’s hesitation. Like he’s thought about this. I give him a questioning look. “Whatever's happened up until this point,” he says, “there's going to come a time very soon where you're going to have to make a choice. And there won't be any turning back.” He’d never tell me if he was scared. Nervous or anxious, yes, but not scared. But the unknown there, the possibility that I might mess it up somehow, that. That scares him. “I want you to make the right choice,” he says softly, “I want to give you a reason to.”

“What reason?”

It sounds like he has a hard time saying it. But he does. “You gave me a future,” he says slowly, deliberately, “I want to give you a future, too... with me.” Is… he…? “I… I think I could love you again, if you give me the chance.”

He rests his hand on my leg. Last week, I would have kissed him. But I don’t think either of us are ready for that now. I rest my hand on his hand. And he puts his other hand on mine. His hands are warm and dry, and feeling this pressure makes me feel calm. I keep thinking he expects me to say something, but his face never changes.

He stands up. “I’m going to go check in on T3 in the cockpit,” he says, “You should try to get some more sleep. There’s still a lot to do.” I smile and nod. He stands and goes for the door, taking one last look at me before he goes.

I’m tired, and even though my leg still hurts, I think I can manage to get back to sleep. And I don’t think I’ll have another nightmare. Somehow, I just know.

#star wars #knights of the old republic #kotor #fiction #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #carth onasi #revanasi #chapter 120

[spectraspecs-writes]

Manaan - Chapter 122

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 121. Chapter 123

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

The mercenary enclave looks a lot like a small cantina, as I expected. I try not to think about the smell of spirits - otherwise I think I’d be sick. There’s a variety of species in the enclave - Echani, Mandalorian, Iridonian - but I’m mostly struck by two Selkath. They’re not together, but they’re also not mercenaries. And I can feel that both of them are here looking into something important. Canderous leads us over to the nearer Selkath. “Nilko,” he says, “this is my friend I was telling you about.”

I wave cordially. “Hi, I’m Rena.”

“Greetings, human,” he says, “I hope you are enjoying yourself here in Ahto City. Our floating city is beautiful, is it not?”

“It’s wonderful,” I say, fidgeting a little, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“You are too gracious,” he says, “The beauty of Manaan is delicate. Our ecosystem is complex and fragile, and I fear for the preservation of my planet.”

“You don’t want to get her started on ecosystems,” Canderous says before I can open my mouth, “We’ll be here all day.” Well, I don’t know about all day.

“Then perhaps I should get right to my point,” he says, “There is a task I would ask, human… Jedi.” The word almost stings a bit. Am I worthy of the title “Jedi” anymore? “I fear there is nowhere else I can turn. I only require information, nothing more. The Republic has been hiring mercenaries - many more than usual.”

“That’s what Canderous told me,” I say.

“As an official of the Selkath people, this is of great concern to me. I only seek the reason for this change in Republic policy.” He looks at us briefly, and I guess notices the Republic colors on Carth’s jacket. “I am no enemy of the Republic,” he assures us, “I only seek assurances that there is no harm being done to Manaan. The Republic may be bringing ruin onto us all without even knowing it!”

“I understand where you’re coming from,” I say, “but why do you need me for this? Why not ask the mercenaries? Or the Republic?”

“I cannot trust anyone else,” he says, “The Republic obviously wants to keep their secret - I have inquired often as to their purpose and been rebuffed. The Sith cannot be trusted to give me an accurate report of events - they will twist the truth so that it furthers their own goals. And the mercenaries are well aware of the high wages the Republic is paying - they would not report anything that might slow the flow of credits into their accounts.” Makes sense. I don’t have any motive here. “If you can uncover the truth behind the Republic’s actions, I will pay you 500 credits.”

Carth shifts a little. “I'm uncomfortable with spying on the Republic,” he says, “but if we could assure the Selkath that they mean no harm, then perhaps it might be worth it.”

“Please,” Nilko says, “See if you can find the answers I seek. Find why the Republic is hiring so many mercenaries, find where they are going. Find why they do not return.”

“I’ll look into it,” I say, “For the well-being of Manaan.” 

Nilko nods thankfully, and sits. ‘I think I’ll hang around here,” Canderous says, “I might be able to find something out here, ask questions a Jedi couldn’t believably ask.” He scoffs. “Maybe I could even get a recruiter to hire me again.”

“Sit on any offers you get, Republic or Sith,” I say, “I’ve got a hunch.”

“Is it really a hunch anymore if the Force is involved?” he asks rhetorically, with a small grin.

Force. I suddenly feel the other Selkath very strongly. So I start to walk closer. Trying to be casual. The Selkath stops me. “Did I hear him correctly? You are a Jedi? So you are no friend of the Sith?”

That depends on how you look at it, doesn’t it? Ha. “We’re with the Republic,” Carth says for me, “We’re working to stop the Sith.”

The Selkath nods. “My name is Shaelas. Though I suspect we have little in common, human, I share your dislike of the Sith. They have brought grief to my family. I am not a fool, I know the Sith do not respect our laws as the Republic does. Were it up to me, I would do everything in my power to aid the Republic in the war against Malak. But intergalactic politics stay my hand. Still, I know the Sith are evil - and I fear what they will do to my people. And what they may be doing now.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Many of the Selkath have vanished, human,” he says, “Most who have gone missing are on the cusp of adulthood, the youth who will someday lead this planet. My own daughter, Shasa, is among those who have disappeared. These disappearances coincide with the arrival of the Sith, and I cannot dismiss the connection. The Sith are up to something, human. Something sinister - I can feel it!”

“You came to the right people,” Carth says, “Until recently, I was in a similar situation. The Sith had taken my son and began to indoctrinate him into their Order. Without Rena…” He looks at me - lovingly, tenderly, and I wish I could bring myself to take his hand - “… I never would have found him. My son is alive and free from the Sith. And we’ll do the same for you.” Why did you just promise him that? What if his daughter or the others are dead? But I can’t exactly say anything now, can I?

“I thank you then. I will give you 500 credits if you can uncover the fate of my daughter and the other missing Selkath youth,” Shaelas says, “Not much, but all I can afford. I have no official authority in this matter, and my personal wealth is not vast. There is no one else I can turn to, human. The Republic agents are too closely watched by the Sith, and the Ahto City authorities cannot act without proof of Sith involvement.”

I need to be neutral. Because I can’t help but conjure up worst-case scenarios. I wish Carth hadn’t promised that! “I’ll look into it for you,” I say simply.

“I cannot imagine where to begin the investigation,” Shaelas says, “though I suspect the Sith did not act alone. Perhaps the off-worlders here in the enclave know something. If you learn anything, human, report back to me at once. If you uncover the fate of my daughter and the other missing Selkath youth, I will reward you as promised.”

I give a small nod then turn to leave, Carth and Juhani close behind me. Once we’re out, I turn to Carth. “Why did you promise him about his daughter?” 

He looks taken aback. “Were you planning on telling him no?”

“No, but… I think you gave him false hope!” I say, ‘With Dustil, I was already there, in the Sith Academy, so finding proof that the Sith were evil would have been easy even if I didn’t skim Uthar’s datapad.” I don’t know what but I’m sure I could have found something. “If I go poking around the Sith base here, as a Jedi, I could make serious trouble for the Republic! If the Selkath even think I’m a threat to their neutrality, if I do anything that could disadvantage the Sith or benefit the Republic on Manaan, who knows what that’ll do to the kolto exports? And that’s assuming a best-case scenario, assuming they’re even alive. What if they’re not? He’s expecting his daughter to come back alive, expecting me to bring him good news, but now if his daughter is dead, that’s on me. Now it’s my fault, now I have to break his heart. Why did you put that on me?”

“Rena,” Juhani interjects, “perhaps you could not feel it, but that man was already resigned to his daughter’s death. He expects it. It is the not knowing that bothers him.” Yeah, but Carth promised him -- “Carth was empathizing, and assuring him that we would help. If the Sith are responsible, they have committed a crime and should be brought to justice. Whatever his daughter’s fate, we will find it, and help however we can.”

“I didn’t mean to put you on the spot,” Carth says, “I’m sorry.”

I think I just need to calm down. Maybe I’m not ready for this, maybe I’m not ready to have expectations placed on me. I think I should focus on one thing at a time, see what happens from there. The most important thing here is the Star Map. That’s the primary objective. That’s what I need to do.

#star wars #knights of the old republic #kotor #fiction #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #oc #rena visz #fem!revan #ls!revan #manaan #selkath #nilko bwaas #shaelas #carth onasi #juhani #canderous ordo #chapter 122

[spectraspecs-writes]

Manaan - Chapter 121

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 120. Chapter 122.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

Not a nightmare. That’s a vision. The last vision. The last Star Map. How long ago did we land? How long was I asleep?

The idea of doing all this again is strange without Bastila, and it makes me a little nervous. She would help me sort out what I saw in the visions. We shared them, it made it easier. Her not being here… it’s just me. Just in my head. It’s funny, if you’d told me before I’d miss having her in my head I’d think you were telling a bad joke. But now… it’s a little lonely.

But I think I’m ready. I think I can do this. I’ll be okay. Carth is back in his chair next to my bunk. I didn’t see Mission or Juhani last night - I wonder where they slept? Just like last night, Carth starts to stir just after I sit up. “Hey,” he says groggily, “Did you get one of those visions about the next Star Map?”

Focused on business. Good. I don’t want to spend time on us right now. And maybe talking about the vision will be the same even though he didn’t see it. “Yeah,” I say, recalling what I saw, “The Star Map is underwater.”

“I’m not surprised,” he says, sitting up straight, “Manaan is covered by oceans. Maybe there was once some land surface - you’d know more about that than I would.”

“Why would I know anything?”

“You’ve had some insight about planetary life cycles before,” he says with a shrug, “I figure if there was a way there could have been a surface above the ocean, you would know how, or understand where it would have gone.”

Well, yeah, there is that. “I don’t know anything specific about the ecology of Manaan, but the basic ecology of oceans is pretty straightforward. Land masses are either formed by cooling volcanic eruptions, tectonic plates shifting, or falling ocean levels reveal large masses below the water level. As the water level rises, due to events like increased rainfall or melting ice caps, then that land surface may sink or start to erode under the rising water levels. And maybe whoever the Builders were, they had a hand in it - they already terraformed Kashyyyk, why not create a water world? The evolution of--” No. Wait. Stop. Rena, stop sounding like an expert, you’re not. Even though you remember learning the stuff, it’s a fake memory. Rena never learned anything, Revan did, and why would Revan know any of that stuff? She wouldn’t. So she doesn’t. “Never mind,” I say, “You’re probably not that interested anyway.”

“No, I was listening,” Carth says, “It seemed like you were having a good time thinking about the possibilities.”

I was! The evolution of a water world - and the fact that a sentient species, the Selkath, was able to evolve and create a society above and below sea level - is fascinating! But I don’t really know any of this, do I? “I’m not really an expert,” I say, “Let’s just forget about it.” I can feel a hint of concern in how he looks at me, but I try not to think about it. “What do you know about Manaan?” I ask.

“Quite a lot, now - we’re all been up for a while, asking around.” All of you? Dude, you were asleep. Unless - don’t tell me it’s the middle of the day. “We’re currently in Ahto City, that;s the only surface city and the only space port. The planet is the only source of kolto, and they’ve used that to maintain their neutrality in the war. And they like to keep it that way - from what I can tell, the Sith soldiers will try to provoke the Republic soldiers into fights so the Selkath will have to act by restricting Republic access to kolto.”

“That could cost us the war,” I say, “So the Sith are resorting to political games to get an upper hand?” I scoff. “That’s damned cowardly, but I’m not entirely surprised.” Are they just like this because of Malak, or was Revan this way as well? I could never be, but… was I, though? No, Rena, stop, stop thinking about it. Revan or Malak, it doesn’t matter, this is just the kind of people the Sith attracts as an organization.

“No, neither am I, to tell the truth,” Carth says, “Thankfully it hasn’t worked so far.” Good. The last thing we need to happen while we’re trying to stop Malak is the Republic losing the war politically. “We can get started whenever you’re ready. The docking fee’s been paid, Juhani and I have been ready for a while, we’ve got maps ready…”

“Whoa, wait, wait, wait,” I stop him, smiling, “You actually paid the docking fee?”

“Oh, don’t give me that look,” Carth says, grinning, “Czerka doesn’t run these doks, Juhani wasn’t even going to try persuading the port authority to waive it, and Jolee has been running the ship, so yeah, we paid the hundred credits.”

“There’s always ways around a port authority!”

He scoffs. “Yeah, sneaking through an air vent is not my idea of a good time.”

“Oh, you haven’t lived until you’ve crawled through air vents on core worlds,” I joke, “The most luxurious air vents in the galaxy.”

He laughs a bit. “I’m glad to hear you joking again, see you smile,” he says, “We’ve all been worried about you.”

“I’m guessing that’s why you and Juhani have assumed you’re coming with me,” I say. Yeah, I caught that earlier. “There’s no way I would ever be able to persuade either of you to stay, would I?”

“Not a chance,” he says, “You could use the Force to turn my mind inside out, but you couldn’t change it.”

I wasn’t planning on asking either of them to stay, truthfully, and Carth knows it. The two of them would seem to have the political tact necessary to get through this place. Bastila would have been the best fit, but that’s obviously not an option. And Jolee, much like myself, can antagonize people with his brusque sense of humor. No, Juhani is the best fit from a Jedi point of view. And Carth - he’s the obvious other choice. Not only is Canderous still trying to cope, Mandalorians are not at all known for their tact. Mission doesn’t have the patience for verbally navigating a playing field, and while HK could certainly learn, he would not be happy about it. No, Carth and Juhani are the best team I could have. Although I doubt that’s why they chose themselves. Carth’s feelings for me are the opposite of secret, and Juhani’s, while better hidden, are definitely there and growing. Everybody’s worried about me - I can feel it - but it’s deeper for Carth and Juhani. To attempt to change Carth’s mind would be an argument. To attempt to change Juhani’s would be maddeningly unproductive - she wouldn’t even raise her voice.

We should get started, though. The sooner we get the Star Map, the sooner we can get to bastila. I’ve already wasted a week - we shouldn’t waste any more time. ‘I’ll be ready in ten minutes, I just need to get dressed,” I say.

Carth stands up. “I’ll be waiting in the main hold when you’re ready.” And he leaves.

I pick up my Jedi robe from the foot of my bunk. But something about it feels so, so wrong. I don't know why, but I… I can’t do this. No. No, I can’t do that. I almost feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. But I can’t exactly save the universe looking like I’ve just rolled out of bed. Master Zhar may have been fine with it, but nobody else will be. No, I need to get my ass in gear. I’ve got more clothes, they can’t all make me feel awful. So I start digging through my stuff. And find at the bottom a loose white shirt. I would wear this with my scouting vest. Very loose and breathable, but sturdy. And more importantly, it doesn't make me feel strange. This is the one. So I pull it on.

Should I pull my vest on, too? I pull it out and hold it. No. No, this isn’t right. This isn’t me, either. I wish it was, but it’s not. And I guess it never was. I pull the overshirt of the robe on, but I don’t tighten it. It just sits on my shoulders like a jacket. It’s very loose. But it feels right. And I put my lightsaber belt over it. Find my blue and purple lightsabers and put them on. And put what I need in my pack. Okay. I think that’s everything. So I head out into the main hold.

Carth and Juhani are waiting there for me. Juhani is meditating, Carth is leaning on the dismantled swoop bike. I take a deep breath and they look at me expectantly. “Where should we start?” I ask.

They both share a look, then Juhani asks, “We were going to ask you the same.”

I shrug. “I don’t know,” I say. I really don’t. The others were, dare I say, easy. Star Map in a cave? No problem - the natives know the land. Star Map on the forest floor? Same thing - the hard part was getting to the forest floor. Star Map in a tomb? Ask about tombs. But the ocean floor? Getting there will be its own challenge. Kolto comes from the oceans, and I’m willing to bet the Selkath are very protective of that resource and their home. Assuming we can get there, that’s a whole new set of problems. While terrestrial ecology is my forte… or… was my forte… or… whatever, it’s the thing I know about, I don’t know nearly as much about ocean ecology. I just know the basics. The ocean floor is an area of very high pressure, and probably a lot of predators who are also protective of their home. Maybe we can get down there in some sort of submarine, but in order to access the Star Map, we’d have to be in contact with it, outside the submarine. That’s a very dangerous prospect, which would mean getting up close and personal with everything in the ocean. “Yeah, I don't know,” I say again with a sigh.

Carth looks at me. Like he’s seeing into me. Then, “I have a thought,” he says, “It’s just a half thought, but…” We both look at him. “Obviously, the Sith are going to be no help, and the Selkath are committed to their neutrality, so no amount of Jedi persuasion will get us anywhere with the,. But the Republic has an enclave here, and just mentioning the Jedi Council will probably get us somewhere.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Juhani says, “It is likely they have valuable information about the planet that we don’t.”

“Okay,” I say, “You said you guys were up asking around - so you know where the Republic enclave is?”

“More or less - there’s a lot going on in Ahto City,” Carth says with a shrug, “We’ll find it.”

So we step off the ship and through the docking bay into Ahto City. The map on my datapad, as well as the walls, says this is West Central. The Republic and Sith enclaves are both to the east, with only the courts and a mercenary enclave, basically a cantina, in the west. I don’t think I want to set foot in a cantina ever again after Tatooine - that was so embarrassing, and I felt sick afterwards - so I’ll avoid that unless I have to check it out. With the docking fee already paid, the port authority lets us pass.

Oh my God.

Almost hypnotically, I find myself pulled to the windows, looking out at the sea. The water glistening in the sunlight. Waves rushing and crashing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my memory. And I know I’ve been here before, as a different person, but it didn’t have the same impact on Revan. How could it have? Looking out at the water, I have no memory of this place. These waters, touching my soul. If Revan felt that, I would remember it now, wouldn’t I? How could she - how could anyone - look out at the ocean this way and not feel anything? Not feel gripped by something far deeper than yourself, far more precious, alive, beautiful, than anything you’ve ever known? And maybe part of it is because I don’t know this ecosystem, I don’t know the balance, I don;t know what makes it tick, food chains, biomes, the biggest predators, or the smallest prey. When I look at a forest, or a plain, or a mountain, or a desert, I can fall back on my knowledge and have, at a minimum, a starting point for understanding the ecology. Every planet even remotely habitable has bacteria and plants. Most have fungi and animals. And barring any outstanding circumstances, all those forms of life are similar to their counterparts on other planets. I know terrestrial biomes. The memories are fake, but the knowledge is real. Has to be real, because I’ve been right so many times. But the ocean - this is a complete mystery to me. Unfathomable. Its vastness makes me feel small. The war could go whichever way, the galaxy would remain. Planets will spin, stars will explode, the galaxy will turn. This ocean is huge - what impact could just one person have?

Canderous stands next to me. Takes a deep breath. “I keep finding myself standing here,” he says, “Thinking about Bastila.”

Wait a second. Focus back in - when did Canderous get here? “How long have you been here?” I ask.

“Pretty much since we landed,” he says, “I had a stupid idea that I could find the Stap Map without you. But once I caught a glimpse of this…” - He points at the ocean - “... this set me straight. It’s given me a lot to think about.”

Maybe before I might have teased him about his introspection. Not a serious teasing at all, even if I hadn’t been struck by this myself. But now? I think we’re both going through something, more than just a loss, after the Leviathan. Something has changed in both of us. And we still have to figure out how to deal with it. His thoughts right now are nothing he wants to share. And I’m not sure I want to share either. So I direct my attention back to the Star Map, and his attention as well. “Did you find out anything?” I ask, as Juhani and Carth come closer.

“The mercenary enclave was a busy place, even before the sun came up,” he says, “There’s something suspicious going on here, I don’t like it.”

“Suspicious how?” I ask.

“The Republic has been hiring a lot of mercenaries,” he says, “I had three offers myself when I was there. No idea what the job is, because as many mercs as they’ve hired, none have come back.”

“And mercenaries keep taking the job?” I say in disbelief.

“The Republic is paying generously - most mercs will ignore their instincts if the price is right.”

“I’m sure the Republic isn’t doing anything wrong,” Carth says, “Maybe they just need some extra muscle.”

“I’d agree with you if they weren’t reaching out to every merc on the planet,” Canderous says, “I have more than a few old friends working here - they tell me it’s not strange that the Republic is hiring. What’s strange is the volume.” Carth is still skeptical. Canderous looks back at me. “I wouldn’t be telling you this if it wasn’t important. I think this warrants looking into.”

Much as I’d like to avoid the mercenary enclave, I have a feeling he’s right. “I think you’re right,” I say, “Lead the way.”

#star wars #knights of the old republic #kotor #fiction #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #bi!revan #carth onasi #juhani #canderous ordo #manaan #chapter 121 #video #Youtube

[spectraspecs-writes]

Alderaan - Chapter 119

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 118. Chapter 120.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

Zhar looks like he knows something’s changed. Like he can tell somehow that I touched the mask. He doesn’t ask me about it. He just gives me that cryptic smile of his.

He isn’t in the room for long before he says, “I think you’re ready.” Ready for what? He opens the training room door and says to someone outside, “Would you show her in, please?” Show who in?

A flash of blue. A full body hug. Mission. “Oh my gods, Rena!” she exclaims, “Zhar told me you were working on that lightning thing! That’s so cool! I’m so excited!”

“I think he has a bit more confidence in me than I deserve,” I say.

“Whether you are being humble or anxious,” Zhar says, “my faith in you is totally earned. While you have not mastered the ability, I believe you have complete control over it. Mastery will come with experience.”

“You haven’t even had me do anything yet today, how do you know I’ve got it?”

“Well, duh, Rena,” Mission says, “He’s a Jedi, you guys just know stuff like that.”

Zhar nods. “While lacking in the finer points, Mission, your assessment is more or less correct.” (She does a little fist pump in victory.) “It will be up to us to prove to Rena what you and I already know.”

“Wait, what?” How is Mission going to prove anything?

She’s eager. “What should I do?”

“Stand by that computer terminal if you would, please,” he says. Mission nods and stands there. That’s the place Master Zhar usually stands when he wants me to shock --

Oh.

Uh-uh, no way, not going to happen, I am not going to risk electrocuting Mission, she is just a kid and she can’t defend herself if I get it wrong.

“Rena has been working on a way to utilize her ability without accidentally hurting anyone,” Zhar tells her, “To produce a current of electricity so precise that it only damages machinery such as computer terminals and droids, but is barely perceptible to life forms.”

“Wow!” Mission exclaims, “Is that even possible? That’s so cool! How do you do that?”

Mission looks at me to explain, but Zhar speaks again. “It’s an ability that requires great emotional control to master, as well as focus and confidence in one’s abilities.” He looks at me. Like he knows about last night and the mask. I am 90% certain he knows somehow.

And he’s right. I know what I need to do, I just have to do it. But firing lightning at Master Zhar and firing it at Mission are two different things.

I hear Marina’s voice, almost like it’s coming out of the mask. “How is it so different?” she says, “It’s still you doing it. I know you can do it, Rena. So you know it, too.” God it’s confusing having three people in my head who are all me.

“Rena can totally do that!” Mission says, “Emotional control, focus, confidence -- she can do all of that!”

“Yes, she can,” Zhar says, still looking at me. Then he looks at Mission and says, “Would you like to be on the receiving end?”

Her face lights up. “No way! I get to be struck by lightning and not get hurt? Awesome!” She’s incredible. Not even thinking for a moment that I would hurt her. It’s unfathomable to her.

Master Zhar stands close to her. Ready to step in if something happens, just in case. It’s okay, it’s okay, deep breaths, Rena. I ready myself. Feel the spark between my fingers. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I won’t hurt her if I’m confident I won’t hurt her. Trust yourself. I reach my arm out. Mission braces herself but she still has a massive grin on her face. The electricity ripples through my arm. I won’t hurt her. I won’t hurt her. The lightning shoots from my fingers and hits Mission. She looks okay. Then she laughs a little. “Whoa,” she says, “This feels so weird! Like when your foot’s asleep, but it’s my whole body! This is so cool!”

Zhar smiles and nods at me, and I lower my arm. “Well done, Rena,” he says, “You have conquered your fear.”

Mission looks at him, then back at me. “No way,” she says, “Rena, were you afraid of hurting me?”

I’m so relieved my bones feel like jelly. “Afraid of hurting anybody, but yeah, of course I don’t want to hurt you.” I don’t like feeling emotionally vulnerable right now. “I mean, Carth and Canderous are probably already mad at me, I don’t think I could take it if you were, too.”

“No way, Canderous isn’t mad at you!” she says, sounding certain, “And if Carth can’t deal with this without pouting or yelling at you then that’s his problem!” Now I wish I had her confidence. “Come on - we have to show the others!”

“Not quite yet,” Master Zhar interjects, “There is still one more thing Rena must attempt before she is ready to move on. She has not yet tried this power on its intended target - machines.”

“Okay, well, that’s easy!” she says, “There’s gotta be a droid around here somewhere we can destroy!” We? “This room is full of droids! Maybe one of them!”

Zhar smiles again - he likes Mission already, I can tell. “I took the liberty of having a droid moved here this morning, a cleaning droid that is ready to be retired.” He did that this morning? Before I even came in? How did he know? He pushes a few controls on the computer terminal, and a droid comes whirring slowly forth from behind me. Usually cleaning droids are capable of self-control - they follow a pre-programmed route at certain times of day and have an internal map if they get redirected elsewhere. This little guy must have lost those capabilities due to age or something; no wonder he’s being retired.

I feel bad about just zapping him like he’s worthless, so I lay my hand on the chassis. There's a small whirring, not just from a cooling fan, he’s still active in there. I can’t communicate with him through the Force, but a droid can’t make his way in the world without speech processors. “How you doing, little guy?” His beeps and whistles are scratchy and frazzled, but I can still make out what he’s trying to say. His battery pack can still sustain him for his daily route, but his navigational sensors are beyond repair, can’t be replaced. He’s too old for any parts to be compatible. Could I Frankenstein something? Yeah. But he’s seen his time and his servos are shocky. He’s ready to be retired. I get the sense his usual engineer talks to him this way, too. He understands what’s happening and he’s ready to help. ‘That’s good to hear,” I say. I stand back up and take another breath, feeling the sparks between my fingers again. This is a kindness. Raise my arm. The lightning flies and hits the droid. The lights on his head unit flash wildly as the excess power flows through them. When I hear a pop, I lower my arm. The job is done.

I’m speechless. I did it. I didn’t even think about charge, but I know it was the same. I could feel it in my veins. This is such a relief, I can control this, I won’t hurt anybody. All I can do is breathe. Mission turns to me, clearly excited, but her face changes when she sees mine. “Hey, you okay, Rena?”

Where do I even begin? Yes, I’m okay. I’m the best I’ve been in a week. There is literally no way I can overstate how much of a load off my mind this is -- It’s hard to believe this happened only two months ago, but Bastila said Force abilities don’t go away. It was stupid of me to hope the lightning would, could, be different. And to think, I almost stayed on the ship, hoping and wishing it would fade away on its own. But now… no one gets hurt. I take a deep breath and nod, finally saying, “Yeah. I’m amazing.”

Mission grabs my hand. “Come on! We have to go show the others!” I spare a look at Master Zhar, who nods, indicating that I can go, and I let Mission pull me back to the ship.

Juhani is there, just outside, carrying two bags into the Hawk. “Hi, Juhani!” Mission greets her, but then she stops. Something broke her excitement? “Hey,” she says, a hint of an objection, “That’s my stuff - are we not staying at the enclave anymore?”

“I know as much as you do,” Juhani says with a shrug, “Jolee informed me this morning that we would be leaving for Manaan later today.”

Mission shrugs now. “I guess he must have talked to Master Zhar.” Which would be a fine explanation, except I can’t even believe Zhar knew I’d be ready. Mission’s excitement rises back up. “Come on! You gotta see Rena’s cool trick!”

I smile. “It’s not a trick,” I say, “It’s a Force power.”

“Yeah, but it’s still a cool trick!” God, I love her. She steps onto the loading ramp and pulls me into the ship. “Big Z! Canderous! Rena’s here! You gotta come see this!”

Carth, even though he wasn’t called, comes into the swoop bay anyway, sort of holding back behind the others. Keeping his distance. Canderous pushes his way past him, standing in the corner. He’s distant in his own way - an emotional distance. He’s fairly easy to read. The only thing that’s kept him from leaving without us is the fact that he couldn’t get a ship, and he couldn’t get into the cockpit to take this one. Juhani is trying to close herself off. I won’t push my way in. Jolee is just as he was before - a crotchety old man on the surface. “Well, don’t leave us in suspense,” he says, “What do you have to show us?”

“Rena can hit me with lightning and it doesn’t hurt!” Carth and Canderous both straighten. Carth’s face is uncertain - he doesn’t trust it. (Big surprise there.) Canderous is more incredulous - like he can’t see the point in firing harmless electricity from your fingertips. Mission crossed the swoop bay, standing opposite me. “Come on, Rena! Hit me!” I take a deep breath, just like before. Raise my arm and watch the sparks fly from my fingertips. I hold it for about ten seconds as the others watch in awe, then lower my arm. They’re all dumbstruck.

Carth is the first to speak. “That… didn’t hurt at all?”

“Nope! Isn’t that so cool?”

Canderous gives a little scoff. “What’s the point of it if it doesn’t do any damage?” Just like I thought he was thinking.

“It does damage, just not to sentients,” I say, “It damages electronics - droids, computers, stuff like that.” I shrug a little. There’s a bit of tension in the room, like they’re waiting for me to say something that sounds like me. So I do. “I don’t need the Force to attack someone, that’s what my hands are for.” The tension lifts, but Canderous still isn’t himself. And I don’t think he will be himself for a while. I understand. I’m not myself, either. I can sound like I am, but I’m not. The only difference is, he’ll probably feel better when we get Bastila back. But me? I’m not so sure.

But. I need to get off my ass. Carth said Jolee was in charge, so I look at him. “How soon can we get underway?”

But it’s Carth who answers. Given that he’s the pilot, I’m not entirely surprised, but I’d be lying if I said I expected it. “Jolee’s had us getting ready since this morning. We’ll be ready to take off in a few hours.”

“Sounds good,” I say, “The sooner we get there, the sooner we can find the Star Map, the sooner we can stop Malak.”

“And find Bastila,” Canderous says.

“Then let’s get moving,” Jolee says, and everybody walks off in different directions. But Jolee and I stay. He catches me looking at him. “Got something on your mind, do you?”

“How did you know?” He gives a look like he’s about to ask what I mean. “Don’t look at me like that,” I say, stopping him before he can, “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You and Master Zhar both knew I was ready before I even said anything. How did you know?”

He grins warmly at me. “Do you really have to ask?” he says, “It’s the Force, lass. What were you expecting?” I don’t say anything. Jolee takes a deep breath. “I’d better go have a word with the dockmaster, let them know we’ll be departing.”

“Good idea.” I’d go tell Master Zhar, but I suspect he already knows. And if I say anything, he might try to give me the mask. I’m not ready for that. Besides, it’s better off here. Safer. It’s a powerful thing - who knows whether or not it will call out and alert someone to our presence?

I can’t ignore the fact that I’m nervous. I’ve never felt nervous like this for the other Star Maps. I go into the engine room - at least there’s something I know, something I can throw myself into to distract myself. The engines have been offline for a few days, after all, they need to be checked over. T3 is in the engine room, too. And Carth. Which is uncomfortable. We acknowledge each other. No reason to make it harder for both of us. Although seeing him doesn’t help my nerves. I’m already resigned to it, letting him go, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. How do you adapt and live with someone hating you? I squat down to get closer to the engine and try my best to ignore him.

“It should be a little less than a day until we get to Manaan.” he says, breaking the silence.

A perfectly normal thing to say. “Cool,” I say neutrally, trying to focus on the engine.

He pauses like he’s got something to say, but in the end he must decide against it, because he leaves without another word.

#star wars #knights of the old republic #kotor #fiction #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #mission vao #zhar lestin #carth onasi #canderous ordo #juhani #jolee bindo #t3-m4 #chapter 119 #well we're getting close to up-to-date #im a month out from being caught up to my copy #then ill fade into the void again

[spectraspecs-writes]

Alderaan - Chapter 118

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 117. Chapter 119.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

I couldn’t manage to get back to sleep after I shocked myself again. So I’m up at three in the morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Didn’t want to move. I knew yesterday’s good day wouldn’t last.

I didn’t want to get up. But something pulls me. Urges me to go to the training room Master Zhar and I have been in. It’s almost like… whispers. Soft voices calling out from the training room. But nobody else is awake. I can feel it - there’s nobody else moving anywhere in the enclave besides a handful of cleaning droids. So whatever whispers I’m hearing… they’re not… real. What am I hearing?

I step into the training room. None of the droids are active, none of the computers. Just as dead as they were two days ago. But the footlocker… Revan’s mask. It’s practically shouting at me. But I can’t understand any of it - I can’t make out any words.

I throw open the footlocker. The whispers stop. Replaced by… I don’t really know how to describe it, it feels like something pushing down on me. I can’t take my eyes off the footlocker. It has a few vibroblades, some lightsaber parts, and the mask. Still shrouded in white. I don’t know why, but I reach down and uncover it. Which was a bad idea. The eyehole stares into me, just like it did two days ago. The black nothingness just sits in my heart and it hurts.

I manage to close my eyes. “Leave me alone.” My voice shudders. My fingers spark. Control the fear, Rena. Control the fear.

“You can’t really be as weak as all that.” My voice. But not my voice. I can’t feel anyone else in the room - the Force is telling me there’s nobody here. But the hairs on the back of my neck tell another story. There’s something here. Something dangerous. With my voice. Focus, Rena, focus on the sword in the footlocker. Call it into your hand. Breathe. Breathe. The sword overturns the mask and enters my hand. I pivot on my heel, ready to strike whoever’s here. Whoever escaped the eye of the Force but not my own instincts. Whoever is using my own voice against me.

A woman. My height. Boots, black cloak. Short hair. And my face. But not me. Revan. Relax, Rena. She’s not real, she can’t hurt you. So why can’t I lower my sword? “Weak enough to be scared by a piece of metal,” she says, slowly walking around me. I follow her with my eyes. “Can’t even manage to pick it up, can’t even manage to look at it. How could I become someone like you?”

“I’m not you.”

She throws her head back, laughs. “Keep telling yourself that, honey - maybe you’ll convince your friends, maybe even yourself, but you won’t convince me. And you certainly won’t convince that pretty little pilot of yours.”

I know, I know, Carth hates me and will never trust me again. But I can’t think about that right now. “Tell me something, sweetie - “ Why do I feel like I’m being demeaned? If a man talked to me this way he’d very quickly find his balls have left the building. “ - why are you letting the Jedi get away with this?”

I blink. “Get away with what?”

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Come on, you may be weak but you’re not stupid. The Jedi Council took your memories. Took your mind away without so much as a thought. I would have cut them all down the instant I found out. But instead you tried to hide in the desert. Not only are you weak, you’re a pushover. What are you going to let them take next?” She turns on her heel, tracing her path back. “Your dignity? Your dreams? Your life?”

They won’t, though. They won’t. Revan rolls her eyes at me again. “Of course you’re letting them get away with it, none of you have any idea what’s at stake here. There's so much more to be worried about than just Malak, but none of you can see it.” She pounds at her head with her fingers, exasperated and almost ranting.

What is she talking about? Malak is the biggest problem we’re dealing with right now. What do you mean, there’s more than just him to worry about? ‘What do you mean? What’s bigger than Malak?”

She rolls her head. Her eyes are like nails, fixed on mine. “You were in the middle of something,” she says, “Wouldn’t you like to know what it was?”

Can I really take on another problem right now? With Malak still the urgent problem, then you throw on this personal crisis and all it entails, I don’t think I can take anything else. But… it’s my own memory. I have to know. I don’t relax the sword for a moment, but I nod. She smiles. God, that’s chilling. “Touch the mask, then.”

“You can’t just, I don’t know, tell me?” What kind of bullshit is that?

“If you’re too scared to even touch it, how do you expect to deal with my apprentice?” she chides, “Even he, the sniveling traitor, had guts enough to confront me.”

I’m not scared of it, I just… okay, I’m scared of it. But… I have to know. I crouch down, sword still drawn. And reach my fingers towards the mask.

“Leave her alone, Revan.” I stop. My own voice again. But not me. And not Revan. I look towards the door, where the voice came from. This woman looks more like me. Hair still short, and messy but not as messy as Revan’s or mine. She stands with a gentle confidence. Easy to underestimate, but also fatal. She knows who she is. This is a woman who went to war, who fought a war, who won a war. And is ready to do it again. “She can’t help you.”

“Don’t bullshit me, Marina!” Revan fires back, “She has to. She’s the only one who can.”

“No, Revan,” Marina says calmly, “Look at her. She can’t help you. Not now.”

Revan laughs again, throwing her head back. “Not now? The entire galaxy is at stake, and you want to wait. I expected better from you. You know what’s at stake, you know why, you know why we need her.”

“Yes. I do,” she nods. She looks at me. Where Revan inspires terror, Marina inspires peace. Her eyes tell me everything is going to be okay. And I so desperately want to believe her. “She can’t do it.”

Revan’s fingers spark. Just like mine. “She has to. Because I’m gone. And you’re gone. She’s all that’s left.” Revan scoffs. “And what is she worried about? My traitorous apprentice, and her boy toy.”

Marina rolls her eyes. But not at me. She looks at me with love in her eyes. She comes over to me, crouches beside me. “I know you could do it,” she says, “You are so strong, and so capable. There isn’t a single problem you can’t solve. And if there’s anyone I’d trust with this problem, it’s you.” She smiles, so confident in me. “But you’re not ready. I wasn’t ready.” She glances at Revan. “And for all her bluster, she wasn’t ready either.” (Revan scoffs again, rolling her eyes, and turns away.)

“What is it?” I ask.

Marina shakes her head. “It’s better that you don’t know, for now at least,” she says, “Stick with one galaxy-saving quest at a time.” She smiles. So do I.

“As if Malak is that big of a problem,” Revan scoffs.

Marina stands to confront her again. “He is that big of a problem,” she says, “You know how insufferable Alek could be at the best of times. Now? With an army at his disposal and neither of us there to stand in his way?” Revan doesn’t say anything. “He’s the bigger problem right now and you know it. Stop berating her because she’s not you.” Revan still doesn’t say anything. Marina looks at me again. “You hear it calling you, don’t you?” she asks, “The mask, you can hear it.” She doesn’t need me to respond, but she allows time for one anyway. “It called to me, too, once - when I first found it. It showed everyone the massacre on Cathar, and got the Council to let us get involved in the war.” That’s a pretty heavy thing to bear witness to. ‘There are probably people who know more about this than I do, but I think all that, plus how significant a part of me it became, turned that mask into an artifact of the Force. It’s more than just a hunk of metal now. It’s a part of you. And you have to accept it.”

“I have accepted it.”

Revan scoffs again. “If you had, you wouldn’t be standing here, arguing with us.”

“She has a point,” Marina says, “I know you’ve been having a hard time with this, with everything. And that’s okay. This is big. But you can’t dwell on it forever.” No, I can’t. I have to get my ass in gear. We have to go. “Touch the mask. It won’t --”

“Hang on, hand on. Revan wanted me to touch it, and you stopped her, why are you telling me to touch it now?”

“I can’t say you’re wrong,” she says, “And I can’t blame you for being skeptical. But there are answers you’re looking for, and this won’t solve anything, but it’ll push you in the right direction.”

I don’t want to hurt anybody, and if I don’t get a solid handle on the lightning, then I might just hurt somebody. I can’t let that happen. Marina smiles at me again.

The mask is still face down in the footlocker. I take a breath and turn it over. It stares into me again, and neither Revan nor Marina say a word. I don’t even know if they’re still here, and I can’t bring myself to look. It weighs on me so heavily, sitting on my shoulders and pushing me down. I need to touch the face of it. I need to put my hands on it just like I used to. Like Revan used to.

Only way to do it is to just… do it. Take the plunge. Another deep breath, and I reach my hand to the mask, feeling the metal on my fingertips.

It’s warm. Not a good warm, not a bad warm, it just is. It’s a warmth of its own. The Force is leaking from it like a busted faucet. But it isn’t showing me anything like Marina said it would. It feels familiar. Which I understand but I hate.

Then. Justice. Marina donned the mask and swore to bring justice. To the Cathar and to everyone the Mandalorians hurt. Swore to make it right. To help people. By whatever means. In the end that was why she fell. I can’t see the whole reason why, like it’s being kept from me, but I know her intentions were good and right.

And my intentions are good and right. What’s to stop me from falling? What’s to stop that from happening to me, if I can’t see how she got there in the first place?

Nothing. I need to keep an eye on myself, I need to think hard about every choice I make, the consequences. To others, to myself, to the good of the galaxy. That’s the only way to stop myself from falling again. I am the only one who can stop this. The others can help but at the end of the day I have to fix it. I will face Darth Malak alone. I can’t let them get hurt because of me and I won’t. I will watch myself to make sure I don’t fall. Because if I do it’s over.

And so. The lightning. I need to trust myself otherwise people will get hurt. If I can’t trust that I won’t hurt people, then I will hurt them. No way around that. That’s the way it has to be. And the way it will be.

Carth hates me. And it’s probably better that way. I don’t think I could stop loving him if I wanted to, and I can’t say I like it either. I hate that it’s probably better he hates me, better that he keeps his distance. Because I know him - if he stays he’s going to throw himself in the line of fire for me. He is going to get himself hurt. And I know myself. I will walk through hell to keep him safe. When he walks away… I will let him go. I have to let him go.

If I had to fight Malak every day for the rest of my life, it still wouldn’t be as difficult as letting Carth go. But I can’t make him stay. He could keep me from falling but I need to look out for myself.

Because once I was Marina Ardan. But now my name is Rena Visz.

#star wars #knights of the old republic #kotor #fiction #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #marina ardan #darth revan

[spectraspecs-writes]

Alderaan - Chapter 117

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 116. Chapter 118.

A/N - yeah it's been three months, what are you going to do about it?

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

I try to hide the electrical burn on my neck. Controlling my fear while I’m awake is one thing. Trying to control it while I’m asleep is another. I can’t tell if they’re nightmares or memories, but either way I can’t make them stop. And when the lightning wakes me up, I can’t say I’m not relieved. Although I wish it didn’t hurt. I could heal the burn, either myself or have someone else do it, but I don’t want to. It’s a reminder that I need to do better.

But like I said the burn is on my neck, and it’s not exactly easy to hide. My hair has never been particularly cooperative, to my memory. Either Master Zhar hasn’t noticed, or he just hasn’t said anything. We’re at least doing something I’m good at - combat. I can focus on this. And Zhar isn’t holding back. It’s a good feeling.

His vibroblade locks with mine. He pushes down, hard. Then, “You’ve been having nightmares.”

Trying to distract me? Unsettle me? No idea. “So?” I drop out of the lock and dive under him. He pivots and meets my sword before I can strike. “I’ve never had an easy night in my life. It’s nothing new.”

“But the lightning is.” Dude, you could have just asked if I was okay. You didn’t have to judge my sleeping habits.He makes a broad swing. I duck away from it. “You are having difficulty controlling your fears at night.”

“At this point it’s either get shocked or don’t sleep - which one would you pick?”

He steps back, lowers his sword. The signal to stop. I lower mine. “There are options beyond those two,” he says, wiping his face.

“Yeah - manage the fear while I’m sleeping,” I say, catching my breath, “But lucid dreaming is a skill I don’t exactly have time to learn.”

“There are solutions beyond that, as well,” he says, handing me some water.

I scoff. “What do you suggest, a night light?” The problem is a bit bigger than that. I take a drink.

“No.” I didn’t think so. “Tell me, Rena, why have you opted to sleep here in the enclave?”

This isn’t you changing the subject - you’re connecting the two. Which is bullshit, I had nightmares on the Hawk, too. “A lot of reasons,” I say, “Which one are you asking for?”

He gives a small smile. “I’m sure you’re aware Bastila was reporting on your progress?”

“I had a hunch,” I say, “I knew I wasn’t reporting when we found Star Maps, so somebody must have, it made sense for it to be Bastila. And then with this revelation, I’m sure she was also seeing if I’d remember anything.”

“All wise assumptions.” I better not tell Carth. The idea that anyone was spying on us, no matter their intentions, would not sit well. “One of the things Bastila mentioned was the degree to which Commander Onasi put you at ease.”

Carth? Seriously? “You think Carth could stop the nightmares.” Are you for real?

“Or perhaps reduce their severity.”

Yeah, I don’t think so. “Well, you might want to update your records, because Carth might be leaving the ship after I blasted him, and I’m prepared to let him go.”

Is that confusion? On a Jedi Master’s face? “You… want him to leave?”

“No,” I say honestly, “But if he wants to… I won’t stop him.” I lean against the wall, start to take another drink. “Probably for the best, anyway,” I say softly, “Attachments.” I can feel a comment swirling around his head, so I stop him. “And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t comment on my personal relationships, thanks,” I say, “Thanks for the gesture, but I’ve got it handled.”

He gives a sort of nod that means “if you insist.” Yes, I do insist. If I think too much about it, I’m going to freak out, so thanks but no thanks. Back to business, please. “You seem to be having a better day today than you were yesterday,” he says, “Your thoughts and feelings are much better controlled.”

“I think I’m just going to have good days and bad days for the rest of my life,” I say, “Days when I’m normal and days when I’m not. Days when I can get up and do shit, days when that mask is just a piece of metal, days where I can think for twenty seconds without dwelling on Revan… and days when I can’t.” I have no idea what makes today better than yesterday. If it’s being here instead of the ship, if it’s the fact that I’m learning how to control the lightning, if it’s the dueling practice - I don’t know. Could be something completely beyond my control. But I can’t afford to spend the time I’d need to figure it out. I just have to muscle it down, and work on bad days. Can’t stop Malak by wallowing in depression. “I want to try to summon the lightning, build up some confidence. Once I can get it on command, then I can work on the voltage.”

Master Zhar nods - thankfully he knows I’m not eager to electrocute him, just taking baby steps - and puts his vibroblade away. I take a moment to tie my hair up tighter, since there’s no point in trying to hide the burn anymore. Take a few deep breaths. He’ll tell me how to start if I ask, but I want to see if I can figure it out myself. Chemistry was never my strong suit, but I learned enough to know that molecules can have an electrical charge, either positive, negative, or neutral, and electrons moving is what causes electricity. Focus small. Tiny, feel for the charge. Okay. I’ve got… something. Okay, Rena, just try to shift the charge…

Yowch! Good God. There was an audible clap the moment I tried to do it, it stung my fingers. “You’re trying an analytical approach,” Master Zhar says, “A fine idea, but ultimately flawed.”

“I figured that was the right way to go,” I say, “If the goal is to control my emotions, then --”

“Control them, yes, not silence them,” he corrects, “Force Lightning itself is an ability rooted in the Dark Side. Your emotions are critical, to create as well as control the lightning.”

I sigh. “Boy, when you guys say ‘there is no emotion, there is peace,’ you’re just fudging, aren’t you?”

He laughs a little. One day I’ll manage to get a full belly laugh out of this guy. “I can understand how it could seem that way.” Yeah, you don’t need to humor me. He comes closer and stands beside me. “A Dark Jedi will power his lightning using anger or hatred. He seeks to hurt and succeeds. But a charge can be generated through other emotions as well. Joy, sadness, boredom… I’d imagine hunger would work as well.”

Hu -- You -- “You’re joking, aren’t you?”

He smiles. “You aren’t the only one with a sense of humor.” Apparently not!

“So what emotion do you recommend I try?”

“That, I will leave up to you,” he says. Probably aware that he’s being unhelpful. He goes back to the opposite side of the training room, ready to take the lightning into his hand. Okay, deep breath, Rena.

What happened when I hit Canderous and Carth? Canderous had me agitated, he wanted me to reopen the link with Bastila after she closed me out so deliberately, plus I didn’t want to feel that pain again. He and Carth were arguing, and I hated it. Carth sounded like he’d lost me. Meaning he’d lost the person he loved. And that hurt. During all that my hands were sparking, but I didn’t lose control of it until… Until Canderous grabbed my arm. Why did that do it? I could probably beat Canderous hand to hand if I had to, plus he wouldn’t hurt me. I trust him. I know him well enough to know what he’d do. But in that moment, what was I thinking?

I hold up my hand to Master Zhar. Wait a moment, please. I sit down. I need to meditate on that exact moment. What was I thinking about? Focus, Rena, what was your goal?

… I wanted to defend myself.

No… not “wanted.” I needed to defend myself.

I can feel a dark morsel in my head. Not loud. It’s just simmering. But when I think about that moment, the moment Canderous grabbed my arm, it grows. It’s angry. Ever so gently, I probe the dark morsel. The place where Revan lives. I play the moment over. “Get your KRIFFING hands off me, Mando!” And then the lightning flew out of my hands.

I… I can understand Revan’s grudge against the Mandalorians. She fought them in the war, after all. Probably felt a lot of ripples in the Force, a lot of deaths at their hands. And Canderous was in the war, too. But I don’t hate him. And he doesn’t hate me.

“When I shot lightning at my friends, I was trying to defend myself,” I say out loud, “And I think I was trying to do the same when I fired it at you. I was afraid of being hurt.” Zhar nods. “But I’m capable of defending myself without being afraid, or without being angry. I trust my muscles to know what to do. I’m confident in my ability to keep myself safe.”

“Trust and confidence would be a fine place to start,” Zhar says, “But beware of pride and overconfidence.”

I scoff. “Believe me, there’s no chance of overconfidence with this.” I stand back up and ready myself. Zhar does the same. Deep breaths. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. Trust and confidence. I feel a small spark. That’s it, you’ve got this.

You can’t hurt him.

The spark grows. The bolts vibrate back through my veins. I reach my arm forward, and a jagged bolt comes out from my palm. It flies for Master Zhar, who catches it in his own hand. One, two, three seconds, and I relax my arm. The bolt stops. Master Zhar lets the charge dissipate, and smiles at me. “Well done, Rena,” he says, “You’re one step closer.”

Yeah. Good. “What was the charge on that like? Would that have hurt you if you hadn’t caught it?” I need to know. Before I get so excited I shock everything in sight.

“Wise of you to make that consideration,” he says, “Yes, the power behind that would have hurt someone unable to catch the attack. Because it was an attack, and that was how you meant it.”

“No, I didn’t want to attack you, I --”

“Recall your train of thought,” he interrupts, “Confidence, yes, but it was confidence in keeping yourself safe. Confidence in your power, confidence in your strength. In order to reduce the charge so the attack affects only machinery, you will have to approach it from a different angle. Confidence in something else, perhaps. Another skill.”

Or trust. It was confidence and trust. Because what skills do I really have, for sure? Fighting and droids. Revan wasn’t an ecologist. And my skill with languages is a Force thing. If I lean on my droid skills, I think I’d get distracted. So the thing to lean on is trust. And while I trust myself now, there’s no telling whether I will tomorrow. Or whether the dark morsel that is Revan will be so much more than a morsel. I have to trust something else. Search within myself to find something else to trust, someone else. Of course the perfect person is… but if he leaves… Best not. Even if he stays on the ship, that doesn’t mean anything for us, it just means he wants to stop Malak.

I trust the others, though. Mission, Zaalbar, Canderous, Juhani, Jolee, my droids. I trust my friends. Okay. Let’s give this another try. Focus. Visualize them in your head. Picture your friends. I trust them. I trust them. I try to play their voices in my head. Mission’s is the clearest: “Come on, Rena! You got this! I can’t wait to see it, it’s gonna be so cool!” Canderous is silent, but relaxed. Jolee tries to pretend he doesn’t expect anything, but he looks at me with a father’s pride. Juhani looks nervous for me. T3 quivers with anticipation. HK… actually, HK wants me to electrocute Master Zhar, so I think I have to disappoint him.

Just as before, the spark sputters between my fingers. Master Zhar sees and braces himself. Okay. Ready. I reach my arm out, and a jagged bolt comes out just like before. Master Zhar doesn’t move to catch it. He sure trusts me awfully fast.

His face is calm when the bolt hits him. Then a small grimace. Oh, no. Am I --? He grunts. Oh, God, tell me I’m not -- ! I lower my arm, before it gets any worse. “I lost it, didn’t I?”

He rubs his shoulder. “For a moment, yes,” he says, “For a first attempt, you started well, but something slipped away.”

And I wish I knew what it was. “Do not be hard on yourself,” Master Zhar reassures me, “You have achieved in a few hours what has taken others weeks or months. I am confident you will master this in short order.”

“I’m not, though,” I say, “I’m flexing muscles I’m not used to flexing. And I can do it today - what about tomorrow? Or the day after?” I sit down on the floor.

Master Zhar sighs and sits across from me. I think he’s looking for some way to reassure me. Some wisdom he can pass on. I can tell he’s got something he wants to say, but he’s still mulling it over. Until finally, “When Revan came to us as a youngling, she displayed a remarkable skill for foresight.” Now I see why he was mulling - trying to assess if it was safe to mention Revan. “While most, if not all, Jedi possess a sense about future events, Revan’s were often specific, and offered insights on events that would occur months or even years in the future. Once she was able to refine this ability, she made frequent use of it, especially during the Mandalorian Wars.”

So? “What’s your point? I don’t get those kinds of visions.” And… I wonder why not.

“The most important thing to understand with foresight is which events can be changed, and which ones cannot. Perhaps they are too large a scale - for example, a planetary assault; perhaps they are natural occurrences that cannot be affected by the actions of sentients - for example, a natural disaster.” Okay, makes sense. “It’s important to distinguish between the two, because as I told you, it does not do to dwell on things we cannot change.” I nod again. “Your abilities on any given day - whether each day will be good or not - are beyond your control. Tomorrow will happen as it will. Focus on your abilities today, and do the same tomorrow.”

“I’m not sure if I can just let shit go like that,” I start to say.

“You must,” he urges, “Or your mind will forever be cluttered by things you can’t change.”

That’s another thing to work on, then. For now, though, I need to figure out what went wrong. Why I lost focus. I take a deep breath. Close my eyes. Meditate.

I miss my best friend.

#star wars #knights of the old republic #kotor #fiction #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #zhar lestin #alderaan #chapter 117

[spectraspecs-writes]

Alderaan - Chapter 115

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 114. Chapter 116.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma @strangepostmiracle thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

Master Zhar walks with me to a padded training room. A room that can take the lightning. In case the worst happens. “Before the attack on Dantooine,” he says, startling me as he breaks the silence, “we had already begun evacuating Jedi here to Alderaan. We knew it was only a matter of time before Malak laid siege to our enclave, and so we began preparations shortly after you left. By the time Malak began his attack, there were only a handful of Jedi left on the planet, myself included. I and a number of Jedi Knights elected to remain behind to ensure the last of the evacuees made it safely off-world.”

“None of the others wanted to stay and help?”

“We each took on different roles to ensure the evacuation went smoothly,” he says, “The choice to stay was mine, not one the rest of the Council forced on me.” I guess he knew what I was thinking. I’m not surprised the other Masters weren’t staying. But I hadn’t figured they’d leave Master Zhar to bear the brunt of the assault. “A handful of Jedi that returned from the Mandalorian Wars were piloting the evacuation shuttles and defending Dantooine against Malak’s orbital assault, while myself and the others remained to load the remaining shuttles and defend against any Dark Jedi that landed.”

“Dantooine was still attacked, though, you didn’t win.”

“We never intended to win. Our goal was to distract Malak and his forces long enough to evacuate the enclave. And thanks to our efforts, all of the shuttles made it safely off-world. Unfortunately, however, we were not able to evacuate everyone. Many of the Knights who stayed were unable to make it to the hangar in time.”

“You got away.” Saved your own skin, I see.

“To my shame, I did.” Shame? “Malak’s forces were greater than we anticipated. His concentrated attacks turned the enclave to ruins in a matter of hours. As we made our way to the last shuttle, several Knights were caught in the rubble and could not escape. I made the difficult decision to continue escorting the rest to safety.”

“Why ‘shame’?” I ask, “And why are you telling me this?”

“Death is merely one’s energy returning to the Force. Many of the lost Knights were Jedi I trained myself, and so we have a bond, not entirely unlike the bond you share with Bastila. But although I have meditated extensively since the attack, I have not felt them become one with the Force.”

“So they’re still alive?”

“I doubt it.”

The short and casual nature of the response surprises me. He doesn’t have a yes or no answer to this? Death is a binary state - you’re either alive or you’re not. “Am I missing something here?” I ask. And “I doubt it”? I’m so used to the masters telling me way more than is actually necessary, and being fairly certain about everything they say. The last thing I ever expected to hear from any of them is “I doubt it.”

“I fear Malak may be twisting their energy for his own nefarious purposes. Harvesting their life, preventing them from returning to the Force and using that energy for himself. To what end, I do not know.”

“But it’s one of those things where you hate to be right,” I say. He nods, opening the training room. It’s full of machines and half-busted droids. “I sort of get what this has to do with me, given that I’m going to end up stopping Malak. But what does it have to do with the lightning? Am I supposed to… what? Kill them for good? Even a mercy killing seems… I don’t want to use this on a person.”

“No,” he says, “If I am correct, there’s nothing more that can be done to their bodies. If I am correct, then all that stands in the way of their return to the Force is a machine. That, Padawan, is where you come in.”

“So I’m…” Gotta make sure I understand this. “… I’m going to use the lightning on… droids. Computers, stuff like that.”

“Your affinity for droids is a trait that you share with Revan,” he says, “I believe this is an ability that will come naturally to you.”

“How can the Force work on droids?” Like, I’ve used the Force on droids before, but I would push them or use the terrain against them. There was a middle man, so to speak. “The Force flows through all life, I get that, but droids aren’t alive, by definition.”

“Let’s start small, then.” Small. Okay. “I’m sure you’ve noticed the droids and terminals throughout the room. Choose one. It does not matter which.”

Okay. I shrug and pick out a small cleaning droid. I didn’t think to bring my toolkit, I didn’t think I’d need it. “Diagnose it, as best as you can,” Zhar says, pulling off his overtunic and sitting beside me.

“I don’t have my toolkit.”

“I understand. Please, just diagnose the problem.”

Okay then. Brushes are fine, optical sensors look good. Joints are a bit rusted. Some scarring around the power pack. “Looks like this guy got left out in the rain,” I say, “Water probably got in the power pack, zapped him. Replace the pack, oil the joints, retune the motivator, he’ll be right as… well, rain.”

He smiles a little at the pun. It was unintentional, but I’ll own it. “Why does water affect droids in this way?”

I shrug. “It’s not just droids, it’s anything electrical.”

“Why?” he asks again, “Surely you know.”

“On a basic level,” I say, scratching my neck, “There’s something to do with the polarity of the molecule, affecting the charge, and something to do with chemical reactions, and something about dissolved minerals.” I rub my head a bit. “If you want more detail, I’d have to read up on it. Chemistry has never been my strong suit.” As far as I know, anyway.

“So the water affects the flow of electricity.” Pretty much. “And the disrupted flow changes the current that flows through the machine.” Basically. “Rena, tell me, have you been hit by Force Lightning before?”

“Yeah,” I say. The memory of the pain ripples through me. “It takes the wind out of me, that’s for sure. And when it hits… I always feel stiff, like everything in me becomes rigid.”

He nods. “Our bodies, much like droids, are controlled by a complex series of weak electrical charges. These charges affect everything from our nerves to our muscles. Force Lightning introduces a very strong charge, and disrupts the flow of our bodies’ own electrical charges. And we react much the same way a droid does.”

Wait, whoa. “You’re telling me life is just electricity?”

“For our purposes, yes,” he says, “Like most things, life cannot be explained in such simple terms.”

Okay. Let’s just… let this sit for a moment. Process this. “So you’d just have me use the lightning on droids. But what happens if I hit a person? It would still hurt the same, still affect the electrical currents the same.”

He stands, and I follow his lead. “This is where focus, control, and discipline come into play. You focus on your target, control your feelings, and then, and only then, direct the current. Do you trust me, Rena?”

I-- “No.” It comes faster than I expect, but it’s also the truth. I don’t trust him, or any of the Council. I used to. But that was last week. I had my suspicions of them, sure, but I trusted that despite their secrets they wouldn’t lead me astray. They wouldn’t harm me or put me in unnecessary danger. But I don’t know about today. No. I don’t trust him.

He nods in understanding. “Fair enough. Do you trust, then, that I will not harm you?”

That, I’ll accept. Because hurting me now would be stupid. The Council needs me to accomplish its ends, which it so obviously cares more about than the means. I nod. Master Zhar takes a few steps back and closes his eyes, breathing deeply. He holds out his hand, and his red Twi’lek fingers take on a blue glow. The lightning. No. Bastard! I can’t move in time, and the glow hits me. I flinch, trying to brace myself against it, but… It doesn’t hurt. My muscles relax. In fact… it tickles. It’s not lightning. But it is! He lowers his hand, and it stops. “Were you hurt at all?”

“No.” I wasn’t. “How did you do that?”

“That is precisely what you will learn.” He indicates a functioning terminal near the door. “Confirm for me that terminal is functioning.”

Uh, okay. I step over to the terminal, press a button to activate it. Yeah, works just fine. I nod at Master Zhar. He takes another breath, raises his hand. The glow appears again. First, he focuses it on me. Feels just the same. Then, he angles his hand towards the terminal. It sputters and smokes the second the shock hits it, and the once functioning terminal is not as dead as that cleaning droid. He lowers his hand again, and the lightning stops. It was the same shock. The same shock that tickled me fried this terminal. But how? It’s just a weak charge! “How are you doing that?” I ask again.

“Just as I told you, focus, control, and discipline.” That sounds too easy. I can control my emotions, but I can’t do that. I can’t stop the lightning, or even start it, on command. “Surely you understand the importance of control, Lord Revan.”

What did he just say? Did he just--? “Or have your once-keen senses dulled in the months after your capture?” What the hell is this? “But perhaps you have never been in control. After all, you could not even keep your own apprentice in line.” Every word drips with pure acid. How dare you? How dare you do this to me? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to do this? “Or perhaps you are choosing the easy route again, Revan. Just as I suspected.”

“Why are you saying all this? I thought you wanted to help me.” I reach where my lightsabers should be, but I didn’t bring those either. I didn’t expect to be attacked.

“Perhaps you are beyond help,” he fires, with words that cut, “Perhaps the Council was wrong to spare your life, Revan. A kath hound cannot change his colors.” Shut up. Shut up. Level head, Rena, don’t lose your composure. But I hate him. I hate him! “You are no different now than you were before. It is only a matter of time before you betray us again. Before you betray the Republic. Forcing your friends to either follow you or perish.” No. No! I hate you! “I almost wonder who will and won’t follow. The Mandalorian, the hermit, the Wookiee, the Republic pilot…”

No. No! No!

In an instant the lightning flies from my fingers at Zhar, but he takes it all into his hand. “How could you say any of that?!” I scream at him, “I would never betray my friends! Who the hell do you think you are? I’m not like Revan!”

He waits. Lets the lightning disappear from his hands, dissolving into nothing. Waits for me to calm down. But I won’t. I won’t. “You need to let go of your fear, Rena,” he says softly, in that infuriatingly calm voice, “Remember, there is no emotion, there is peace.”

Peace? Peace? I am so goddamned sick of peace! “I’M NOT AT PEACE!” I shout, “Everyone expects me to just get over this and get back to work, but none of you have to deal with this! None of you know what it’s like to have a goddamned Sith Lord living in your head, seeing memories that aren’t your own, not even knowing who you are anymore or what you’re even capable of! None of you know what it’s like to have a few words ruin your entire life! None of you have to cope with that!”

He sits on the ground again. Meditating. Meditating? Say something! How can you just sit there? “Peace, Rena.” Goddamn it! You and your goddamn peace! Peace is a lie! “Do you not even realize how easily your passions were manipulated? How easily I controlled your fear, your anger, to provoke a response you could not control? And I am your ally.” Allies don’t do that! “Imagine how quickly you could have been overpowered by an enemy. You must learn to control your emotions. Your anger is proof of that. If you cannot control your emotions, you will hurt your friends. And you will find the lure of the Dark Side to be even stronger.” No. No, I can’t let that happen. “Even your fear of losing control could lead you further down the dark path. Here you are safe to release your power - you cannot hurt me - but it is important you learn control before you leave here.”

He only provoked me to help me. Pretty perverted thing to do, honestly. But I understand. Because I couldn’t control my response. I take a deep breath and sit down in front of him. Just breathe. Just breathe. “How do we start?” I ask, trying to speak softly.

He nods. “Your focus is impeccable.” That’s a surprise to hear. “... when it needs to be.” There it is. “During saber training and battle practice, your focus was always remarkably sharp. That will serve you well here, and there is little I could do to improve it.” Okay. “I am aware of your objections to the first part of the Jedi Code. And as it bears relevance here, that is where we shall begin. Emotions.” Emotions. Okay. “Do you remember your interpretation of the Code before you left Dantooine? Your analysis touched upon a key point.”

I take a moment to remember. Zhar had asked me the Jedi stance on love, solely by the text of the Code. “I said that the Code wasn’t telling us not to feel, but simply to be aware of our feelings. To approach things rationally, not just emotionally.”

“Correct,” he says with a nod, “Our feelings can cloud our judgement and lead us astray. One of the most dangerous feelings is fear.”

“Fear can be useful, though.”

“True. Fear keeps us from risking our lives needlessly, from throwing ourselves into dangerous situations. But fear can also spiral out of control. Over time, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering.

“You are afraid of Revan.”

He just stops. Doesn’t say anything else. The shortness is surprising, but he’s not wrong. After a moment in the silence, he stands and walks over to a chest on the wall near the door. He opens it and pulls out an object concealed in a shroud. Then he sits back down, slowly unwrapping the shroud. “I’m sure you recognize this.”

No.

No, that’s the mask.

That’s… Revan’s mask.

The slit where the eyes would be feels like it gazes into my heart, paralyzing me. I can’t move, even though I desperately want to get away. I don’t want any part of this. Stop. Stop it, I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to be anywhere near that. “Do you want to touch it?” Zhar asks.

“No,” I say quickly, “Put it away, please.”

“There is no need to fear it,” he says, “It is your mask.”

No it’s not. No, that’s Revan’s. It’s not mine, it’s Revan’s. But I’m… No, I’m not. I’m not. I am. But I’m not. “You cannot change who you were, Rena. This mask is simply that: a mask. For many years it was a part of your identity. But the only power it has is the power you give it. The mask cannot hurt you.”

“I can’t do this.”

“You can’t do it yet,” he emphasizes, and then he wraps the mask back in the shroud and takes it back to the footlocker. “And you will not today. But soon you will be able to look at the mask and control your fear. You must accept that you are Revan, but Revan does not need to define you.” Deep breaths. Deep breaths. You don’t have to do it today. “Your fear of your former self has become wrapped and tangled in anger. Anger at Malak for attacking you. Anger at Bastila for lying to you. Anger at myself and the Council for deceiving you. And of course, anger at yourself for being who you are.

“We should not have deceived you. But it does not do to dwell on things we cannot change. In all honesty, I was angry at the other masters for their decision. As I said, I believe we should have told you. But my anger would neither change their minds, nor would it help you. You are Revan. But it does not do to dwell on things we cannot change.

“And you hate us. Don’t you?” I don’t say anything. “Your hatred radiates off you like heat from a star. And one does not need to be a Jedi to feel your hatred. That is why your friends have kept themselves at arm’s length.”

“How do you know that?”

He doesn’t answer the question. “You hate the Council for our lies. And you hate yourself for the harm you caused as Revan. The anger and hatred you feel towards yourself is leading to your own suffering.”

“I have to make it right,” I say quickly. Not even aware I said it at first. “I have to make things right.”

“I understand,” he says, “It is only natural to regret the harm done. But tell me, how does your suffering alleviate the suffering of others? You can seek to repair the damage, but you cannot retroactively prevent it. Your own pain cannot prevent or alleviate the pain of another. You must let go of your anger and your hatred. Control your fear, and you can control the lightning.”

Control my fear, control the lightning. But -- “That seems too simple.”

“If it were simple, you would not need my help.” Well, that’s true, I guess. “But you are correct in that controlling your fear is only the first step. It is, however, the most important. Once you can summon Force Lightning at will, then we can turn our attention to its intensity.” I have to assume he knows what he’s doing. After all, if he can do it he can teach it. “Sit and meditate with me. Meditate on your fear. Acknowledge your emotions.” I’ve been acknowledging them, I thought. Or maybe not. I don’t really know. “Time is of the essence. We should begin.” Right. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish, the sooner the war ends. The sooner all this can stop.

#knights of the old republic #star wars #kotor #fiction #autistic artist #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #zhar lestin #alderaan #chapter 115

[spectraspecs-writes]

Alderaan - Chapter 113

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 112. Chapter 114.

A/N: not only has my left wrist been hurting off and on for weeks, I also got my covid booster in my left arm yesterday. That has made typing and, well, pretty much every task with my left hand fun to say the least. But I finally have the motivation to type so I'm just coping.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma @strangepostmiracle thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

Rena's really having a hard time with all this. It really doesn't matter who she used to be, you know? It matters who she is now. And Rena is a really good person. She's always so nice to people unless they're mean to her. I don't even know how Carth can think she's changed! She's the same person we've always known.

We've been giving her space for now, though. Jolee said there should always be someone near her just in case, and I tried to be there yesterday, but I couldn't stay awake. I ended up sleeping in the other quarters where the guys usually are, and I guess it's a good thing I did. When I went in there this morning to check on Rena, my bunk was broken right in half. Canderous said it happened because Rena blasted him and Carth with lightning by accident. I didn't even know she could do that! I kinda wish I had seen it, you know? I've never really seen Force Lightning. I guess it's kinda scary, though, because Carth doesn't even wanna be in the room with her. I don't blame him or nothin', but also… I don't know. I guess I'm a little confused why he was even in the room with her after the Leviathan. He was so mad the last couple days, like he was blaming Rena for something she had no control over.

But like, if he's scared of the lightning now, I get it. I think it would be cool, but Rena doesn't want anyone around, she doesn't want to hurt anyone else. So Jolee asked the Jedi if Juhani and me can stay in the Enclave until Rena feels better, and they said okay.

I didn't really see much of the enclave on Dantooine. Like I was there, and Big Z and I got food from the cafeteria, but there really wasn't a lot to do since I'm not a Jedi. But on Dantooine the enclave was really the only place around that wasn't a farm or somebody's house. The enclave on Alderaan is in the middle of a city so there's a lot going on. There's little stores and restaurants and stuff. It reminds me of Taris a little, except the people here are so much nicer. The Jedi are a little stuck up, but I can deal with that.

They put me and Juhani in one room by ourselves, instead of in a room with the Jedi in training. She seems kinda uncomfortable, I guess. Like, she doesn't even take a minute to get comfortable. She just sets down her stuff and leaves. I know we won't be staying here for a long time, but I like to get familiar with a room, you know? I guess it's just habit, finding all the exits and stuff. I know I don't need to do that here, but it's a hard habit to break.

I'm just looking out the window when I hear a knock at the door. Another Twi'lek? Cool. I almost thought I'd be the only on here. I mean, I haven't met a lot of Jedi, but all the ones I have seen are human, you know? And I know he's a Jedi because he's wearing a lightsaber. "If you're looking for Juhani, she left a little while ago," I tell him.

"Thank you," he says, "but I wasn't. My name is Zhar Lestin. I am one of the masters on the Jedi Council."

"I'm Mission, nice to meet you." Hang on a sec. I know that name. I think. "Were you one of the Jedi on Dantooine?"

He has a soft smile. "Yes, I'm sure Rena mentioned me," he says, "I was one of the masters who trained her."

Right! I remember now! "Yours is the only name she mentioned, I guess she likes you a lot."

"I'm glad to hear it," he says, "I came to see if you were settling in all right. When Jolee informed us you and Juhani would be staying here, and why, I thought it would be wise to check in on you."

"Oh, thanks!" I say, "I'm doing okay. I don't know about Juhani, though. Can… can I tell you something private?"

"Certainly," he says with a small shrug.

"Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"I promise."

"I think…” I say softly, "I think Juhani has a bit of a crush on Rena." Juhani wouldn't like it that I know. And she wouldn't like me talking about it either. "So I think she's having a hard time with this whole Revan thing."

"I see," he says simply, still with his soft smile, "And how do you feel about it?"

"Me? I don't think it really matters. She's not Revan anymore, she's Rena. It doesn't really matter who she used to be."

He nods. "That is very wise of you," he says, "The self is a fluid concept. Who we are in the here and now is the best metric of our identity." Uh… okay, sure. He means that I'm right, though, right?

"I don't think Rena believes that, though," I say, "She's taking it really bad. But she's a good person. You guys know that, right?" It's really important that they know that. She's not any different because of this. it doesn't matter who she used to be, she's Rena now. I saw yesterday when Carth called her Revan, she hated it. Like, it really hurt her. When he was all like "none of us can trust you," she agreed with it, she believed it. But she's still the same person now.

Master Zhar smiles again. "I can see you care for her a great deal," he says, "I believe you, Mission. I know she's still a good person. That is precisely what I want her to see."

"I don't know if she wants to listen to you guys," I say, "but good luck. Really." Taking a break is nice and all, but it would be even better if Rena could actually enjoy it. She's the one going out every time to find the Star Map. She's the one who really needs a break, but she's so caught up in this whole thing that she can't take it. Master Zhar nods, and he leaves. I hope he can help Rena. She needs it.

----

The last place I want to be right now is the Jedi Enclave. I didn't particularly enjoy being there on Dantooine. The Jedi were polite enough on the surface, I suppose, but they also had this unmistakable air about them. Like they were judging me, at least a little. Would a little humility kill them? And it’s not any different here. In fact, it actually feels a little worse. I doubt anyone knows everything that happened on the Leviathan, but they at least know about Bastila. And they;ve probably connected the destruction of Dantooine to us. They don’t blame us, but they know we’re connected. And I don’t think it’s just the Jedi from Dantooine who feel that way either. This enclave was here before the enclave on Dantooine relocated here. The Jedi who were already here now have to contend with the Jedi from Dantooine. And they’re not happy about it. They hide it well enough around other Jedi, but it’s clear as a bell to me. It’s clear the Jedi don’t want me here, and I’m more than happy to oblige that.

Alderaan is a planet of artisans and politicians. It’s a peaceful planet, and one of the founding members of the Republic. It’s almost untouched by war. Any scars it may bear are thousands of years old, and it’ll probably be several thousand more before it gets any new ones. I almost feel out of place here. I’ve been at war for the past… nearly ten years. Even now, the past several months haven’t exactly been a vacation. We’re not in active combat all the time, but I’ve always got to be on my toes, especially around Jedi. Blaster fire could break out at any moment, from nearly any side. The only time you’re safe is on the Hawk. Or… you were until yesterday.

I still can’t believe it. I can’t believe Rena shot lightning at me. She’s used the Force on me before, but never to hurt me. It’s never hurt. And she asked, both times, before using it, which is more than anyone else would have done. She never learned Force Lightning as long as I’ve known her, but Revan probably knew it, and she’s Revan now so she has to know. I have to assume she meant to hurt me, but that’s not the person I know. Or…. knew. This is all confusing.

I sit down at a table outside a restaurant. When a server comes by I order some caff, but I don’t really want it. I just… need to think. Maybe I should go back to the fleet. Yes, stopping Malak is the most important thing, and this is the most effective way to do that. But I don’t think I can stay and deal with this. I should hate her. There are so many reasons to hate her. Telos, for starters. Revan wasn’t personally responsible for the destruction of Telos, but Malak was on the end of her leash. So she was responsible for Morgana’s death, for the Sith getting their hands on Dustil. Revan betrayed the Republic, and took a lot of good people with her. And that’s just what I know about. Any one of the Jedi here could probably list more crimes Revan committed just off the top of their head! I should hate her. I- I should. I do. I do hate her.

Out of nowhere a shadow comes over me. “Commander Onasi, would it be alright if I joined you?” Zhar. One of the Jedi Masters, the one who trained Rena.

I can’t help but be angry on her behalf, as well as my own. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say coldly.

He nods. “I do not wish to impose, but I felt it would be prudent to speak with you.”

Speak with me? I scoff. “I got the impression the Jedi Council wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve been just as much a part of this mission as Rena and Bastila, but every time you called them in, you sent me away like I was insignificant. If it wasn’t for me, Rena would have died on the Endar Spire, I could have taken that last escape pod for myself and saved my own skin.”

“But you never would have,” he says without a moment of hesitation, “You are a decorated soldier, and you would never leave someone behind. You are already so overwhelmed with trauma and guilt that sacrificing anyone would be unthinkable.”

And here we go again. “Look, I don’t need to be analyzed, thanks. And I certainly don’t need some Jedi telling me how I feel. I really think it would be best if you leave.”

He sighs and nods again. “I sincerely apologize. It was not my intention to antagonize you. I simply care for Rena’s well-being, and I felt that, as our interests aligned in that respect, you were the one I should speak to. But I will not force myself on you.”

“Hang on,” I say, before he can step away, “What do you mean ‘our interests align’? Why do you think I care about her more than the others?”

“Perhaps that would be wise to discuss as well. May I?” He asks to sit again. Sure. I need to hear this. “As I’m sure you’re aware, Bastila was aware of Rena’s true identity from the beginning.” I nod. “To that end… we were concerned that, should Revan’s memories resurface, her behavior would change for the worse, although we did not know how it might change. Bastila was regularly contacting us, reporting Rena’s actions.” So? I mean, yeah, that’s bad that Bastila was basically spying on us, but that doesn’t answer my question. Zhar looks a bit uncomfortable. “To be as delicate as possible…” he says hesitantly, “… Bastila informed us that you and Rena are… quite close.”

Oh, for the love of --! “How ‘close’ did she say we were?”

He still looks uncomfortable. “Her last transmission was three days ago, the day before Malak captured her.”

And we’d just slept together the night before. Great. Fantastic. Rena said she’d have her objections to it but I doubt she knew how right she was. “Please understand, Bastila was doing as we ordered. I know that doesn’t make it right--”

“You’re damn right it doesn’t.”

“-- but I hope it’s at least somewhat of a comfort that she had no malicious intent. In fact, she spoke quite highly of you.”

I scoff again. “You could have fooled me.”

Zhar shakes his head. “I can’t speak for her reasons, but it is not Bastila I wish to speak of.”

“No, you came here to talk about Rena,” I say quickly, “What makes you think I want to hear anything the Council has to say?”

“I have not come on behalf of the Council.” Oh? This ought to be good. “The other members of the Council did not take the time to know Rena as I did, and thus I believe their understanding of the situation is incomplete. The others are content to simply let Rena come to terms with her identity on her own. I could not convince them that was the wrong course of action, but neither could I accept their judgment on the situation.” Their judgement. They just want to leave her, leave all of us, in the dark. The blind leading the blind. Rena’s not coping. She’s not coming to terms with this on her own. “I knew this transition would be difficult. I wished to help.”

Well… okay, at least he’s being halfway decent. It’s damned insensitive of the rest of the Council to just abandon her like this. Like they only care about her if she’s advancing their goals. The fact that she’s dying inside doesn’t matter to them at all. And the fact that at least one of them cares about her now is good. He wants to help her through this and she needs it. But the fact remains that they all made the decision to hide it from her and the rest of us in the first place. In fact, I get the impression that they never would have said anything if they didn’t have to. If Malak hadn't said anything, they would have kept their secret forever. “She’s not interested in anything you have to say, either,” I say, making no effort to hide how angry I am, “She’s not interested in hearing from any of us, but she definitely doesn’t want anyone from the Council around.”

Zhar nods. “I was afraid of that,” he says, “I’m sure she feels it’s for the best to isolate herself, but in fact it will only make matters worse. Alone with only her thoughts, who knows what could surface? Rage, hatred, thoughts of revenge - her troubled thoughts and emotions are precisely the soil the Dark Side needs to sprout and flourish.”

No. It wouldn’t. She wouldn’t. Would she? I don’t know. She’s not the Rena I know anymore, is she? I don’t know her, I don’t know who she is now. She might fall. There’s darkness in her, I know there is. I’ve seen it. “I understand she may not accept my help,” he says, “but I am certain she will accept yours. It is crucial that you remind her not of who she was, but who she has become. When you see her rage, when you see something of Revan in her, remind her of what she has learned. Remind her of the Jedi Code. There is no emotion, there is peace.”

I can’t help but laugh. That is without a doubt the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Not only will that not calm Rena down, it would probably make things worse. Reminding her of the Jedi Code? All that would do is remind her of everything she’s been through, remind her that she had to have her mind erased in order to be redeemed, remind her of all the lies she’s been fed. “If I’d said that last night, she probably would have conjured more lightning than she already had. Are you trying to kill me?”

“Lightning?” he repeats. Was-- was that the only word of that you caught? Did you miss everything else I said? “What do you mean?”

I shrug a little. “She got upset, fired lightning at me that sent me across the room, it hurt like hell, and reciting the Jedi Code would have only made it worse. I’m not eager for that.”

“Please, could you describe it for me?”

No, I can’t believe you don’t know what it looks like. “It’s the same damn Force Lightning all the Dark Jedi use, I know you know what it is!”

Good, now he looks appropriately horrified. “It is already worse than I feared. I must speak with her at once.” He stands up.

“I already told you, she doesn’t want to talk to anyone, least of all you or anyone else from the Council,” I say, “If you want to get yourself shocked, be my guest, but I don’t want to see her join the Dark Side anymore than you do, and --”

“That is precisely what I am trying to prevent,” he interrupts, “Thank you, Commander Onasi. You may have saved her.”

----

I hear a knock at the door. Which tells me it’s not one of the others trying to make peace with me. I know - I would feel it if it was one of them first, before they gathered the nerve to open the door. Feel their own conflicted feelings about all this. Am I really Rena, their friend, their ally, anymore? Or has Revan tainted everything? I don’t even see how it’s a question. Revan has ruined everything. And then, once they’ve gathered the courage to look me in the eye, then they open the door. But even then they can’t yet bring themselves to be in the same room, so they just stand there in the doorway at first. Carth hasn’t even done that since yesterday - he’s been keeping himself just outside the door. Like he’s keeping guard, making sure I don’t leave in the dead of night and betray the Republic again. Even he’s not out there now, though. Like he’s given up on me.

But this is not one of the others. I can’t feel anything. Well, I can't feel any of them. I do feel someone, I just don’t know who. But they’re waiting. Waiting for me to say something. I don’t want to see anyone. Certainly not some stranger from Alderaan. “Leave me alone,” I say.

The door opens. Of course they didn’t listen. “I think you have been alone enough, Padawan.” Wait, Master Zhar? I turn a little to look. There in the door. One of the people who did this to me. “I only wish we were seeing each other under better circumstances.”

“You didn’t have to come,” I say, “In fact, you shouldn’t have.” I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to see any of them. I’m angry. And I can’t stop myself from being angry. I don’t want to do anything else I’ll regret.

“You’re mistaken,” he says, “I had to come. The other masters would rather I leave well enough alone. But they did not work with you as closely as I did. Beyond a few passing, cursory encounters, they never got a chance to know you, Rena.” Who is there to know? Rena doesn’t exist, she never did. “They knew Revan, but you are not Revan.”

No. No. Don’t lie. “Don’t lie to me,” I say, turning over, sitting up, “Don’t lie to me now that I know the truth. I remember, I saw myself. I am Revan. That’s the whole point of all of this! Malak may have jostled the memories free, but they were always there. Guiding my every decision, leading me to every Star Map. You couldn’t hide it forever.”

“No,” he agrees calmly, “I only wish you could have learned under better circumstances. Perhaps then, under our guidance, you could have come to terms with your identity. Perhaps in time you could have come to understand why the Council came to the decision it did.”

“Don’t act like you’re separate from them - you’re on the damn Council!” I’m not stupid! “You were right there with them when they decided to do this to me! You’ve lied to me enough!”

He’s still so calm. So infuriatingly calm. “Your feelings are certainly valid,” he says, like I needed validation, “but your understanding is incomplete. The Council may act as a unit, but our decisions are not reached free of conflict. I did not wish to hide your identity from you on Dantooine. As you were training, I came to learn much about your character. I believed that we should tell you of your former life before we sent you away. Stopping Malak was not more important than your understanding and your well-being. They disagreed, and overruled me.”

“You could have gone against them, told me anyway. You didn’t have to keep me in the dark.”

“Do you truly think that would have been wise?” he says, “The Council was already facing a war on one side. To have a conflict within as well as without would have clouded our vision, making it easier for Malak to advance. And what of your own focus? Before you became aware of your identity, your focus was singular. You were to locate the Star Maps, find the Star Forge, and stop Malak. And in less than two weeks, you were more than halfway done with that task. This revelation has only divided your focus. Had I gone against the will of the Council at that time, you would have received no time to recover or come to terms with the truth. You would have been second-guessing your every move, just as you are now.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to look at him anymore. Master Zhar sighs. “But I did not come here to argue with you, Rena,” he says, “I came to help you.”

“I don’t want your help,” I say. I can feel the lightning crackling between my fingers. I cover up my hands, trying to muffle the sound.

“I understand,” he says, “but it’s clear you do need it. Your friends have told me what is happening to you. And even though they don’t understand the Force as you or I do, they are still deeply concerned for you. Force Lightning is a dangerous ability. Even more so if you don’t know how to control it.”

“I don’t want to control it!” I say firmly, “Don’t you get it? I don’t want this power, I just want it to go away.” I clench myself tightly. Trying to get it to stop. “I will never use Force Lightning. I will never hurt anyone like that.”

“Unfortunately, you already have.” Carth and Canderous. “Thankfully, your friends are none the worse for wear, but the longer this ability goes unchecked, the greater the consequences will be when it is finally unleashed. This ability has manifested itself now because you are afraid, and it will continue to feed on you for as long as you let it. I can teach you to harness it, to control it, but it will never go away.” No. They’ve lied to me before, who’s to say he’s not lying to me now? I can do this on my own. “I will not force you to accept my help, but it is still available should you change your mind.”

“Get off my ship,” I say, my voice shaking beyond my control.

“As you wish,” he says simply. Maddeningly calm. He stands and leaves. I don’t need their help. I don’t want their help. I’ve already been on the receiving end of it, and look at the effects! It’s their “help” that got me into this mess. I can do this on my own.

#knights of the old republic #star wars #fiction #autistic artist #kotor #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #mission vao #carth onasi #zhar lestin #alderaan #chapter 113

[spectraspecs-writes]

Alderaan - Chapter 116 (Carth)

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 115. Chapter 117

A/N - Good God, that was a long chapter. Well worth the time it took, but that does mean it's going to take a bit longer before the next one. As if my readers are consistent and aren't used to waiting months anyway lol. Most of the chapter is told in flashbacks, scenes you've already read rewritten from Carth's perspective. I'll link the appropriate chapters before each section.

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

It feels weird with Rena out of the ship. I know she’s in the enclave, training with Master Zhar, but I… I don’t know, I guess I expected her to come back here at night. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised - the Council made her stay in the enclave on Dantooine when she was training there, it only makes sense that they’d do the same now. Or maybe she’s sleeping there because she wants to, because she doesn’t want to be around any of us. If he’s teaching her Force Lightning I’m not surprised she’d want to stay away. Whether she hurt me on purpose or not, I don’t know, but I’m not eager to get hit again. It was a punch in the gut, both physically and emotionally speaking.

I can’t seem to fall asleep. The past few days I’ve been sleeping outside the starboard quarters. Keeping an eye on her. But no one’s in there now so there’s no reason I shouldn’t sleep in my own bunk. And yet… I can’t. I can’t get comfortable, I can’t relax. And I can’t do any of the things I usually do to try to wind down. I’ve already done all the ship checks when we landed two days ago. There’s nothing that needs to be done.

I find myself in my chair outside the starboard quarters anyway. I… I think I miss her. Rena. I miss my friend. Sure, she’s been around, I’ve seen her, but she hasn’t been herself. She hasn’t been the same since the Leviathan. And neither have I.

There’s been a dull ache in my chest. From a wound I thought had healed.

Taris, 2 months ago

Hells, this never gets any easier. No matter how many times you have to evac to escape pods, it never gets easier. The last crewmember, Visz, climbs in and I follow her, sealing the pod behind us. We blast out of the ship, and I get to work. Stabilize our descent. Can’t burn up in the atmosphere. No time to make this pretty. Program our descent, try to avoid any buildings. Fire primary thrusters. Too hot, where’s the stabilizer? “Visz, press that stabilizer!” Come on, come on, we’re not stabilizing. “Visz!” I can’t hold your hand here, press the damn button!

Damn it, she’s out cold. I reach across and press the button myself, but at this point it’s probably too late. There’s no way I can slow our descent enough to land softly. Gods, her head’s already bleeding - I hope this doesn’t make it any worse. Firing secondary thrusters, straighten us out. Sith’s blood, tell me she’s not dead. I don’t want to lose anyone else to the Sith, not even some stranger. I reach over to check for a pulse.

The pod hits the ground, and I fall into her shoulder. Well, at least I can hear her pulse this way. Got to get out, got to get out, but how? No time, no time. The Sith control Taris now, they know we’re here, they have to know. No time, no time. Get the emergency kit, open the hatch. Still dark, no one out. Got to get Visz out. Got to keep a hand free for my blaster. I’ll have to carry her over my shoulder.

Fifty-third floor, elevator slides open. Apartment complex. Run down. Blaster ready. But it’s dark, no one here. Get out, stay close to the wall. One door unlocked. Vacant. Not anymore. Bed. Set Visz down. Check the rooms. Fresher clear. Far corners clear. Working locks. No noise in the hall. Okay. We’re safe for now.

I sigh and fall into an uncomfortable chair. Ow! Hells, did I get hit? How did I miss that? I think my ribs are cracked. No blaster scarring, but some blood on my shirt, I must have been hit by a sword. Where did I leave the --? By Visz. I left the medkit on the other side of the room. Damn it. Okay. Pick yourself back up, Onasi, three, two -- Ow, damn it! Okay, easy does it, easy does it. I sit back down, leaning against the bed. Pull off my jacket and shirt. I don’t know how bad off Visz is yet, so I try to use as little as possible for myself, save it for her. I wrap a kolto bandage around my chest, put another on the sword cut, and put my shirt back on. Now. Visz. Back up, three, two -- ow.

She’s a complete stranger to me, I never met her on the Endar Spire. I hate to undress her, but it’s the only way I can get a good look at her injuries. I’ll apologize later. Start with her pack. One of the straps broke so it slides right off. I’ll have to take a closer look at that later, for supplies. Now her vest. Wow, how many pockets does this thing have? The biggest thing here is a small wrap of tools. Well used but cared for. Her shirt is stained - mostly oil and grease. Blood at her side. All right, Onasi, keep her modest. I lift up her shirt just far enough to see the wound and bandage it. Now. Pants.

She’s curled up her legs. That’s going to make this difficult. I guess they don’t need to come all the way off. I unfasten her belt, she’ll probably be more comfortable that way, and start to probe, gently, for blood or broken bones. Right leg feels okay. Left leg too. Okay, good.

“Mmf…” She can’t be conscious already, can she? Not with her head in the shape it’s in. I wait a moment, just in case, then start to bandage her head. “Es… oh…” Her eyes don’t open. Does she just… talk in her sleep?

Gods, sleep sounds nice. But I think I’m too keyed up to fall asleep. The whole battle, the crash, the mystery crewmember I rescued. I only know her name because it registered in the Spire’s comm system. I think I recognize her face from when she reported on board. In fact, I think she came on the same time the Jedi did. Which I don’t trust at all. The Jedi practically took over the ship when they came onboard, and they were damned secretive about why. And now a crewmember they brought with them is one of the only survivors? She survived when so many others didn’t? I don’t know what happened, or why, but that battle was forced on us. And I’m not about to trust my life to someone I don’t know. I won’t leave her to die, but I’m going to need more information before I let my guard down. She has a datapad in her back pocket, right? That’s so weird, how does she avoid sitting on it? She’s not lying on it now, at least, and she can’t exactly complain if I take a look at it.

Her service record is here, that’s a good place to start. She’s a scout, Republic corps. Not with the fleet, but the Republic holds her contract. And scouts have specialties, like anthropologist, cultural liaison, resource analysis. Maybe her specialty was why the Jedi brought her onboard. So what… ecologist? Ecology and droids. Why would the Jedi bring an ecologist on a mission that didn't need one?

From her record she spent a lot of her time in the Outer Rim. Most of the last two wars, in fact. For someone who hasn’t seen combat like that, she handled herself pretty well during the attack. And Taris is in the Outer Rim, but nowhere near the systems she went to. So no relevant experience there, either. It looks like she understands a wide variety of alien languages, from the standards like Huttese and Twi’leki, to more specialized ones like Selkath and Shyriiwook. It makes sense to find that in a scout, but in an ecologist?

There’s a compensation record from the Spire on here as well. Looks like she logged a lot of hours in the droid repair bay, at all hours of the day. And judging from the personal logs on here, she didn’t have any idea why she was on the Spire, either. She wanted to go back to the Outer Rim, but instead the Republic assigned her to the Spire. Or… the Jedi did, but I don’t think she knows that.

Something about all this doesn’t feel right. As fast as that battle came, it’s surprising any of us are alive to talk about it, much less someone the Jedi added to the crew at the last minute. But at least for the time being, Visz isn’t a threat. She’s a scientist, a droid tech, and she’s out cold. I don’t trust her, but I’m going to need her help to find Bastila and get off this rock. I guess all that’s left to do is wait.

Dantooine (see Chapter 50)

Fine. Fine. Whatever. I don’t care. It’s not like I’m all that important to this team, it’s not like Rena and Bastila never would have made it off Taris without me. The Jedi want to leave me out of it? Fine. I don’t care. I’m apparently insignificant and unimportant in their eyes; Rena’s too, otherwise she would have pushed for me to be included. I’m just the guy who flies the ship, that’s not important at all. Fine.

I hear Rena’s footsteps approaching the cockpit. I turn towards the console. If I see her, I’m just going to get angry. She doesn’t need that. “Hey, Carth.”

Hey, yourself, you -- “What did the Council have to say about the ruins?”

“They have tasked me - and Bastila, of course - with going to the planets on the Star Map, finding more Star Maps, and using them to track down the Star Forge.”

Just you and Bastila, huh? Not the rest of us. As if either of you could have gotten off Taris without us. As if you two are the only important ones. Where in hells do the Jedi get off, casting us aside like we’re nothing? Locking us out of things we should know, we should be a part of. And Rena! Do you just assume we’re going with you? Are you even going to ask if I want to join this mission? No, you’re just going to take me for granted, aren’t you? “Fine. Where are we going?”

She stops. Balks a bit. “Well, I wasn’t planning on leaving now, if that’s alright with you.”

“Fine with me.” As if that was her seriously asking. As if she’s ever considered my feelings for --

“You wanted to talk to me about something yesterday. What’s up?” What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up! I;ve been looked down on, treated as disposable by every damn Jedi in this place because I’m not welcome in their damned ivory tower! Not that you’ve noticed, being treated as the savior of the Jedi ever since you showed up. I shake my head. I don’t need her analyzing me. I don’t want her calling me irrational or paranoid just because I’m seeing things she doesn’t. I focus my attention on the console. Running diagnostics.

But she doesn’t walk away. “You’ve been very quiet lately, you know that?”

“Have I?” I ask rhetorically. It’s not good, she’ll just keep asking. “I suppose. I guess I just don't like being left out of the loop.”

“Left out of the loop?” she asks, “How do you mean?”

I shouldn’t have to spell it out for you. “Left out of the loop? You know, not being told anything, strung along? It's really starting to irritate me.”

“I know what it means, Carth.” She’s angry. I can take her anger. She doesn’t have it in her to do anything with it. “And I'm not the one leaving you out of the loop.”

“No?” I scoff. “Well, you certainly aren't helping matters any, either.”

“I’ve been telling you everything you asked me!”

Have you? Will you? “Well, then maybe you can enlighten me.”

“Fire away, flyboy.” Is that supposed to be a jab?

“Well, for one thing, I want to know what the Jedi Council said to you. They pulled you in there and refused to tell me a thing about it!” I say, turning towards her, “I'm rather curious to know what went on, and why they didn't keep you here for training. Isn't that strange?”

She nods blankly. “I guess they thought it was more important that I help find the Star Maps instead.”

“And why is that?” Why you? What makes you so special here? “You were a great help on Taris,” - or should I say we were a great help - “but why would they keep you with us? Don't they… don't they have to train you?”

“What are you implying here?” she asks. Gods, she’s trying to sound powerful or dangerous. Which she can be, but this isn’t a sword fight or a duel. I don’t think Rena could win a war with words. She sounds too defensive. “Because I think I've done pretty well so far on my own.”

On your own? On her own, she says. Since when have you been “on your own” in all this? Since when has any one of us not been with you? Whatever. “That's completely beside the point,” I say, “The Jedi encouraged you to stay with us, and I don't believe the reasons they gave!” Yes, Rena is a formidable fighter, but Jedi training takes years, doesn't it? They certainly wouldn’t give such an important mission to someone who’s only been a Jedi for a month! “I mean, you're a neophyte Padawan who's been saddled with the responsibility of tracking down these Star Maps. Why? That's not normal! I am not trying to provoke you, or imply that you're somehow responsible for the Jedi Council… but give me a hand, here! There has to be a reason!” Somebody knows something here that I need to know, and if it’s you and you’re not telling me, you’re going to.

But she’s not bending. Her eyes narrow - I’ve seen this type of anger before on her, at me. After her first two duels. That culminated almost in tears, but I have a feeling it didn’t have to. The look on her face - I almost feel like she’s storing energy to strike back. I’d like to see you try. “Are you trying to say I’m not needed?”

No. No, that wasn’t -- “No, I don't… I didn't mean that you weren't wanted, or that I want to go, it's just…” You’re trying to distract me. You’re trying to make some kind of emotional appeal. It’s not going to work. “…damn it! I'll tell you this much… I am not going to wait around until I'm betrayed again!”

“I am not going to betray you!” she shouts, “I am not Saul!”

I scoff. “Well, we'll see about that, won't we?” Because there has to be a reason you’re not telling me --

Oh, frack.

Frack, that look, I’m dead. If I don’t try to explain myself she’s going to kill me. “Look,” I say softly, hoping to calm her a bit, “I didn’t mean it that way.”

“And just what way did you mean it?!”

Hells, frack, frack. “I want to get to Saul, not…” No, that’s bad. “I…” Nope, that won’t work. “You…” No, bad idea, I’ll get more closely acquainted with her lightsaber if I say that. Just give up, Onasi. Maybe she’ll be merciful if you just admit to being an idiot. Let her win this battle. “... no… no,” I sigh, “forget it. It seems all I can do is insult you, isn't it?”

“Oh, so now I’m overly sensitive in addition to being a backstabbing bitch?”

What? “I never said that!”

“No, but it’s pretty damn clear you were thinking it!”

No I wasn’t! That’s not what I --! I’m not going to come out of this in good standing. I sigh. “Look, just... forget I said anything. Let's… let's… just get on with what we were doing.” She’s not done, but I am. Waving my white flag. Which I think only makes her more upset. “Was- was there something else you wanted?”

She almost stomps her foot, turns up her nose at me. “Just to tell you that you’re not invited on my camping trip.” And she turns on her heel away from me, fuming as she walks away.

I feel like I’ve been exiled.

Tatooine (see Chapter 62)

I’ve come to learn that when Rena hates you, three days can feel like an eternity. I just wish I didn’t have to learn that first hand. I never realized how cold she could be. How quickly she could shut me down. I never imagined I would miss my friend so much, even when she was right in front of me. I didn’t like seeing that rage in her eyes. How upset I made her.

I watch as she moves around some of the rubble and old containers in the krayt dragon’s cave. Forming sort of a shield around her flank before setting up her bed roll. I need to go talk to her. She told me yesterday, she’d let me know when she’d finished thinking. I guess trying to figure out whether she wanted me to stay. Whether she wanted someone on her team who didn’t trust her. Or is so blinded by his own need for revenge he can’t see past his own nose. And since she brought me along today, that has to be good, right? I pull out a couple ration packs and walk over to her, sitting on one of the containers. “Hungry?”

“Oh,” she says, looking at the pack with a perplexed expression, “I was about to go salvage the dragon for meat.”

You… she… “You were…?” Oh. Wait. “You’re joking, aren’t you?”

She smiles. Gods, I missed that. “I wouldn’t touch that dragon with a ten-foot pole,” she says, “What’s up?” She takes the ration pack. Which also bodes well.

“Given that you, uh, brought me along this morning,” I say, “I wanted to ask…”

“Yes, Carth,” she interrupts, “I have finished thinking. It was not a joke.” And it’s good, right? “And, as I recall, you had something you wanted to say to me.” She sits on the rubble. Looks me in the eye. Yeah, this is a long time coming.

I scratch the back of my neck. “I, ahhh… I'm not very good at this. I... I know I owe you an apology.” She raises an eyebrow at me. “Uh, more than one, probably.” Almost definitely. “I-I was just so desperate to finally face Saul directly in the battle over Taris, and now the Jedi have us looking for these... these Star Maps.” I can feel her glaring at me. It’s warm. Or am I just sweating from nerves? I pull off my jacket. But I can’t seem to look her in the eye. “I know this mission is important, it's just... I feel a bit useless.” I stammer a bit. “I can fight, sure, but I'm no Jedi! All this feels completely out of my league!”

Her posture goes soft. She understands, at least, she’s willing to hear me out. “Then why don’t you return to the front lines?” she asks gently, “Not that I’m asking you to.”

“Because this is more important,” I say. I know that. In the fleet, all we do is fight Malak’s men. Never in a hundred years would I ever actually get a shot at Malak himself. “This may really, finally, make a difference... I suppose even if I can't figure out everything that's going on, I still want to help if I can.” I want to help you. I don’t want to leave you to face this alone. If something… I don’t know. “I just hate not knowing what's going on and feeling this... helpless. But I-I shouldn't have taken that out on you.” I look up, and catch her eye. I sigh. “I've been a royal pain in the backside, haven't I?”

“Not as much as I’ve been. I’ve been pestering you about it a bit harshly.”

No, Rena, this was all me. You were entirely in the right. “No, I deserved it.”

“Carth,” she says sweetly, “don’t worry about it, really.”

“No, I do worry about it.” I was wrong here. Anything you say is just patronizing me. I shouldn’t have spoken to you as aggressively as I did. I was out for blood. I was trying to win the conversation. You didn’t do anything to deserve that. “I've traveled the lanes more than once, I should know better than this.” She nods, finally. “So... I'm sorry. Will you accept my apology?” I try to hold myself up tall. If she doesn’t accept, I’ll take it. I can take it. I can deal with it. If she does… good. But if she doesn’t… then… I understand.

She narrows her eyes and smirks. Is she… playing with me? “I don’t know,” she says slowly, “Maybe you should work for it, a bit.”

Work for it? Uh… “Oh? I don't know if I like the sound of that…”

She raises her eyebrow at me again. “Don’t you want me to accept your apology?”

“I don’t know! What am I going to have to do for it?” Knowing her she’d probably have me… I don’t know, take Canderous’ pants or something childish like that.

She inches closer. “Just a little kiss,” she says, “How about it?”

Oh, is that all? I shrug and smile. “If you insist.” I take her face into my hands, gently bringing her lips to mine. Feeling her heart rate quicken beneath my fingers, tasting the sweetness of her tongue…

Or at least… that’s what happens in my head.

Hells, what was that? Am I… am I actually --? No, I can’t be. I shouldn’t be! I can’t be! Oh, that’s not ideal. That’s not good at all - we’ve got a mission here! I can’t be… that with Rena! I can’t be thinking about that! Am I? “I… heh…” I manage to stammer out, my face flushed, “I really think that I should, ah... get going.”

She grins, and nudges me with her elbow. “You can stop sweating, Carth, I was just teasing.”

Oh, so she wasn’t --? I can’t tell if I’m relieved or disappointed. Which I shouldn’t be, because that’s a bad idea, and I shouldn’t think about that, and who says she even thinks that too? Who said she’s even interested in… me? Or anyone? But at any rate -- “So... you do accept my apology, then. Good. Good. I'm glad.” Shake it off, Onasi, she’s a Jedi, she can see what you’re thinking. I sigh. “You know you, uh... you aren't so bad to have around, you know that?”

“I know,” she says, flipping her hair. Gods, don’t think about that. “I’m very charming, I’m told.”

“More than that.” Nope, don’t let that thought linger any longer than it has to. “But… anyway…”

“Anyway,” she repeats. I’m so glad she’s moving away from that topic.

What am I going to do about this? Do I even have to do anything? I’m not some teenage punk, I can handle this like an adult. And so can she! But we have a good working relationship, she knows she can count on me. And if I can’t keep myself focused on the task at hand, I’m useless to her. Useless to the mission.

I think I should just take this one day at a time. She brought us out here for something. Let tomorrow happen. We’ll… I’ll figure this out from there.

Kashyyyk (see Chapters 77 and 78)

Something isn’t right here. Twenty minutes ago, this dock was bustling, and there were Czerka people everywhere. But now there’s next to nobody here. Everything is still. And I don’t trust it.

Juhani comes out of the ship, and gazes off in the direction of the Great Walkway wordlessly. Then, “Something is happening. Something is changing.”

I’m about to ask what she means when I see a blur rushing towards us. Bastila. “Rena needs help. We have to hurry, everyone.”

Juhani nods and runs back into the ship. “What happened?” I ask, “What’s going on?” Is she okay? I haven’t said --

“Chuundar sent us to kill his father -” Which of course Rena didn’t do, wouldn’t do if only to spite Czerka, “- and with Freyyr back, there’s a great conflict at hand. Rena’s right in the middle of it.” Gods, no, she’s going to get herself killed.

Mission comes out ahead of the others, but they aren’t far behind. Teethree brings up the rear. “Is Big Z in trouble?”

“They all are. We have to hurry.”

I don’t need to be told to hurry. Rena’s in trouble. I can’t let anything happen to her. I -- I can’t. I haven’t told her… and maybe I never will. But that doesn’t matter. Just because I haven’t told her doesn’t mean I don’t -- but it’s not the right time for that. Focus. I’m moving faster than the others. I have to. I just… I have to.

There’s no one to stop us from going to the walkway or into the village, because by the time we get there, fighting has already broken out. The Wookiees are fighting amongst themselves, too busy to notice us. A human. Czerka. Aims his blaster at one of the Wookiees. No, you don’t. I’m a faster shot, he goes down. Even without Rena’s opinions, Czerka is definitely the enemy here. We’re not on the side of slavers. Rena. She’d be in the Chieftain’s Hall. I know it. I remember where it is. The others are still behind me.

There. She’s still alive. Not moving like herself. A Wookiee raises his warblade and knocks her over the head, and she crumples to the ground. No! I fire both blasters at the Wookiee. I think I only make him angry but I don’t care. Don’t hurt her. You can’t kill her. I haven’t told her I --

An older Wookiee raises a grizzled old sword against me. I’m in trouble. Until I hear Zaalbar roar, “They’re not Czerka!” The older Wookiee lowers his sword and turns to fight someone else. Okay, he’s on our side. It’s hard to tell a lot of these Wookiees apart.

I stick close to Rena the whole fight. I don’t really know why. Chuundar and Czerka won’t win this fight so they won’t come back to finish her off. I just want to keep her safe. HK-47 has positioned himself close by, too, so maybe this is just a strategic position in the room. Or maybe he wants to protect her, too. I don’t know. And it doesn’t really matter.

The fight is long. The few Czerka people who were here, humans, were taken out fairly early on, but the Wookiees were tough. Some kept coming in through the open door to join the fight. But when the older Wookiee struck and killed Chuundar, it all but stopped. Czerka has lost. Word must have spread quickly through the village, because I can hear roars of pride and victory echo through the trees. But nothing from the Wookiee who killed Chuundar. He just kneels beside him. Mourning. This must be Freyyr, the Wookiee Chuundar sent Rena to kill. Bastila said he’s Chuundar’s father. To have to kill your own son… even if it was the only way to stop him… I don’t think I could do it. I couldn’t.

Rena. She’s still out cold. I kneel on the ground next to her, trying to rouse her. A gentle shake of her shoulders. She sort of groans a bit. “Hey,” I say gently, “Hey, Rena, wake up.”

She slowly opens her eyes. A bit of a pained look on her face, which isn’t surprising, given that a Wookiee hit her on the head. She looks at me, and her face goes from pained to puzzled. “Holy crap, your eyes are gorgeous.”

I grin. I don’t quite know what to make of the compliment, but I take it nonetheless. “I’m glad you’re all right,” I say, “You got smacked on the head pretty good.”

“Making this the second time you’ve been there after I get hit on the head,” she says with a smirk, “Starting to be a pattern with you.”

I can’t help but laugh, just a bit. “Well, when it happens a third time, then I guess I’ll just have to marry you, huh?”

Stupid, Onasi, why did you say that? Why did you joke about that? Her face shifts quickly, but I can see a glimmer of discomfort in her eyes, like she hates the idea. I haven’t even told her I… but I guess I don’t have to now. If her face now is any indication, it’s just one-sided, isn’t it? No need to torture myself by thinking about it anymore. As if it’s going to be that easy.

The discomfort in her eyes was there long enough to notice but not long enough to comment on (and I don’t think she’d appreciate it even if it was.) She starts to push herself up and I extend a hand to help. “How did you get here, anyway? Bastila?” she asks, taking my arm.

“Yeah,” I say, “although Juhani already knew something was up. A lot of the Czerka dockworkers just… vanished.”

“And that bothered you, I’m guessing.”

She knows me so well. “You guess right. So when Bastila showed up and told us about Freyyr, we knew exactly what was going on.” I pause. “Well, not exactly. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” she confirms. She’s not standing completely stable. Mission brings over a crate and Zaalbar hands her a cushion to put on it, so Rena can sit down. “How long was I out?”

“Well,” I say, roughly estimating, “I know we woke you up, what, maybe five minutes after we got here?”

“Correction -” HK chimes in, which is annoying, “Master, you regained consciousness seven minutes and thirty-eight seconds after our arrival.”

“I stand corrected.” Damn droid. I’ve got this. Rena grins at the droid, then gingerly touches the back of her head, where she got hit. I need to apologize to her somehow, for implying -- I have to show her it’s okay, somehow, that I’m still perfectly fine to just be friends if that’s -- “How’s the bump on your head?” I ask, “Is there anything I can--?”

“No, thanks, Carth,” she says quickly.

Okay, ruined it, I should just leave it alone. “You got it,” I say, as casually as I can manage. I should probably give her some space, not make anything worse. So I go to the other side of the Chieftain’s Hall.

Stupid, I’m being so stupid about this. I’ve travelled the lanes more than once, this isn’t my first time trying to tell a woman that I -- Sith’s blood, I can barely even say it to myself. I don’t know why I’m so damned uncomfortable about this. I can barely focus on anything else. I’m not a child, this isn’t the first time. Why am I so nervous?

It wasn’t like this when I met Morgana. I wasn’t tripping over my own feet or so nervous and tongue-tied I couldn't tell her what I was thinking or feeling. What’s different now?

Rena glances over at me out of the corner of her eye, and I can feel my chest flutter like a speeder engine. I need to get a handle on this, I can’t deal with this, not right now. I step out of the Hall. I need some air.

It was never like this before, it wasn’t. I never felt like a kath pup following after Morgana, or overwhelmed every time she looked at me. I don’t feel like myself at all. But despite being so out of sorts… I don’t think I mind it. When I think about Rena, when I feel my chest become weightless, it’s a good thing, it feels right. And somehow it feels different than when I think about Morgana. Even when I think about her now, it’s --

… why can’t I remember her face?

I try to, but every time Rena’s is the only face I can bring to mind. I don’t like that. My wife is dead. I should not feel this kind of good when I think about her. And I should be able to remember her face! It’s been five years, it shouldn't be gone!

I will kill Saul for what he did.

Korriban (see Chapter 86)

No. I’m not going to be betrayed again. It’s not happening again. I have not let Rena in, made myself vulnerable, just for her to turn around and stab me in the back. If that was going to happen, she’s had plenty of opportunities to do it without me noticing.

But I can’t ignore this. Rena is a lousy liar. I haven’t heard her tell a single convincing lie since I’ve known her. But earlier today, when she was trying to convince Yuthura from the Sith Academy that she wanted to join… It wasn’t like any of her lies before. When she said she was interested in joining the Sith, it sounded damn convincing. Her reasons, too. And worse, when Yuthura asked about Jolee and myself, Rena told her we were her slaves. Also a lie, and a bad one. I’m surprised Yuthura bought it.

No. Rena can’t actually want to join the Sith. She can’t. She wouldn’t. Would she? No, she wouldn’t. Unless… she would. She could. The woman I know… Rena is strong, and intense. And she’s a good person. But it could be different. She could be different. She could change. Is she? Would she?

The only way to find out is to either ask or wait around to get betrayed again, and there’s no way in hells I’m going to let that happen again. She’s standing calmly at a computer terminal in the chamber the Sith put us in. Focusing just on the screen. It would be so easy - with one shot I could make sure she doesn’t betray me or the Republic. I don’t know how we’d find the Star Map, but it’s better that we have to figure that out than risk Malak knowing we’re looking for the Star Maps at all.

My hand rests on my blaster. It would be so easy… but I can’t do it. I think… I love her too much. The first time I admit that to myself, and these are the circumstances. Even with the risk of her betraying me… I couldn’t do it. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a fight I’d win or not, because it isn’t one I can start. I think if I have to, I could… but I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt. For now. I walk up to her. “Hey, can I talk to you?” I ask, ‘It’s important.”

She looks a little surprised. “Yeah, sure.” She finishes whatever she was doing, sees me sitting on one of the bed rolls, and sits in front of me. “What’s up?”

Start slow. Start small. “You know, I was listening to what you told Yuthura earlier,” I say, “Pretty intense stuff.”

“Yeah,” she says, sucking her teeth a bit, “Sorry I stole from your story a little bit.”

That was the least of my concerns. “I’m not bothered by that, don’t worry about it.”

“I didn’t think you would be, given the circumstances.”

But I am worried. Not about that. This is bigger than that. “And when you told her Jolee and I were slaves,” I continue, “I was a little surprised. Mostly surprised that she bought it. Because you’re a lousy liar, I think I’ve said that before.”

“You have,” she nods. And as she nods I see her eyes rest on my blaster. She’s noticed. I can’t tell what she thinks about it. And it throws me off. I couldn’t beat Rena in a fight, even if you take the Force out of the equation, put us on equal footing. She’s faster than I am -- I could overpower her but she could evade me far quicker than I could react.

Focus. It might not get to that. “But what I’m trying to figure out is…” I say slowly, sorting it out again, “… you’re not a good liar at all, but your story to Yuthura, about your views on the Jedi, was convincing. Convincing enough to fool a Sith. Hell, convincing enough to where I couldn’t tell if you were lying or not. And the last time that happened…” The last time someone all but told me they were going to betray me and I didn’t see it. Saul. “…well, you know what happened…”

I can see her posture change. She gets a bit defensive. “Carth, what are you asking me?”

“I wanted to be in here, sure,” I say. I can’t quite look at her. Can’t look her in the eye. “To find Dustil. But I’m starting to wonder why you wanted to be in here.”

She eyes my blaster again. My fingers curl around it. She’s not going to try to get it away from me. But in case she does. In case I’m right I don’t want to be right. “Carth…” Her voice shakes.

No. No. Do not - I can’t back off just because she’s scared. Because if I’m right, and I can’t trust her, then to stop this will mean she can take advantage of my feelings again. “I’m asking you this because you’re my friend and I care about you,” I say quickly. Before she can say anything else to make me second guess myself. “Why did you want to get into this academy?”

“I told you,” she says calmly, “To get to the Star Map and find Dustil.”

No. What if you’re saying that because that’s what I want you to say? Of course that’s what you’d say if you wanted me to give this up. I pull my blaster on her. In a few seconds, I can see her run through scenarios in her head. Ways to get the blaster out of my hand. Ways to incapacitate me. But she does nothing. Tries to hold herself steady.

I have to fight back every impulse to keep my own hands steady. But it’s almost disturbing how easily I think back to my training. Keeping my hands steady before taking a shot. Rena isn’t a target or a training remote, she’s my friend. Maybe she isn’t, though. Maybe she isn’t.

No. No. This isn’t going to happen again. I’m not going to stand by and watch someone betray me again. I’m not going to have Dustil taken away from me a second time, before I’ve even found her. I look her in the eye. “I want you to tell me, yes or no, do you want to join the Sith?”

She takes a deep breath. “No.”

“Did you mean all the things you told Yuthura?”

“Some of them.”

My fingers tighten. “What do you mean, some of them?”

She takes another deep breath. “The Jedi Order has lied to me, and kept things from me. You said it yourself, they hadn’t told me everything. When they sent me to the Grove to find Juhani, they told me it was to cleanse the Grove of its dark taint. They didn’t tell me that it was a person. And that’s just a lie I’ve uncovered. I don’t think that’s the only one. On Kashyyyk, we fought a creature called a terentatek that feeds on the Dark Side, but when I went to look it up in their archives, I couldn’t find anything, like they’re actively keeping information from me.” I wouldn’t put that past the Jedi at all. She continues. “Bastila herself told me that the Jedi believe no one should be executed for their crimes, no matter what they are. The Jedi would rather restore Malak to the light than kill him, and there we disagree. I don’t think he should live when he’s killed so many people, and I don’t think you do, either.” We’re not talking about me right now. I don’t say anything, and she continues. “I think some of their teachings are wrong and out of date, and I believe, as you do, I know you do, that the Order’s decision not to intervene in the Mandalorian War was a bad one - in fact, if Revan and Malak hadn’t had to disobey the Order to help, I don’t think they would have fallen, but we’ll never know.”

“And about the Dark Side?” I ask, “About it corrupting?”

“I think we’ve both felt and seen how it corrupts,” she says, “But I don’t think that’s the Force so much as how you use it.” That’s not the standard Jedi line, at least. Rena’s never been the standard Jedi. But she could just be telling me what I want to hear. “At the end of the day,” she says, “all I want to do is help people. I want to help as many people as possible.” That’s been true as long as I’ve known her. I’ve seen her give credits to perfect strangers. I’ve seen her put herself in tense situations just to do someone she’s never met a favor. “On that, the Order and I agree. The Sith, on the other hand, actively dissuade helping people. The Order and I may disagree on a lot of key points, but when it comes to our ultimate goal, it’s no contest.”

I want to believe her. The evidence of my eyes and ears says she’s telling the truth. But there’s a gnawing voice in the back of my head - what if she’s playing me? How do I know she’s not just telling me what I want to hear? I can’t holster my blaster, not until I’m damn certain I can trust her. She looks at me. “What more do you want from me, Carth?”

“I want some kind of assurance, but I don’t think that’s possible.”

Her shoulders slump for a moment. But then, “Maybe it is.” She holds out her hand to me, palm up. “Take it.” No. No, that’s a bad idea. She can see my skepticism. “If I do anything to hurt you,” she says, “you’ve already got your weapon out - you could shoot me before I get close to my lightsaber.” It’s still too risky. I have no way of knowing the full extent of her Force abilities. But against my better judgement, I take her hand. Her palm is textured with scars and calluses. I don’t know why, but I expected it to be smooth. Which I guess wouldn't make sense in hindsight. The amount of work she does with her hands, her entire demeanor - almost nothing about Rena is smooth. “You’re not a Jedi,” she says, “so it won’t be the same, but I think I can still show you that I’m telling the truth. With the Force.” If she uses the Force to attack me I won’t have much time to react. My fingers curl more tightly around my blaster. Just in case. Rena closes her eyes. Takes a deep breath.

I don’t understand this. I don’t know what’s happening. But suddenly I’m home. Telos. Just like it was the last time I was there. Before the war. Before Saul. I can smell the salted air blowing in from the coast. It’s a warm day in summer. But not stifling. A calm washes over me. Nothing is wrong. I can’t see Dustil, but I just know he’s safe. Somehow I know the war is over. Everything is as it should be. No more battles to fight, no more planets to save. Everything is perfect.

But something is missing.

Just as I think that, a hand reaches to turn my hand. A hand textured with scars and calluses. Rena’s hand. She turns my head to face her. She looks into my eyes. Lovingly strokes my face. Lovingly. Smiles at me, just as warmly as the sea breeze that gently blows her hair across her forehead. And I find myself smiling back just the same.

Oh my gods, this isn’t my imagination, is it? The setting may be, but not these feelings. Not her eyes, not her smile. This is real. So it’s not just me. She loves me. Sith’s blood, she does, doesn’t she? She pulls my head close, reaching her lips for mine. I let her. Hells, this is real. This is real. She would never hurt me. She couldn’t. She loves me. Gods, Rena, I love you, too.

Then it’s over, and we’re back on Korriban. I’m still holding my blaster. But I won’t need it. Not for this. I lay it down on the floor. She pulls her hand back. No, don’t. I can’t say that. I look at her, and I can’t say anything. Like I can’t make a sound. All I can do is smile at her like an idiot, and my mouth forms the words, “Thank you.”

“It’s the truth,” she says. It was real. It was all real. I nod.

Gods, I’ve been so stupid, haven’t I? I’ve been damn near inconsiderate. I wasn't aware of it in that moment, but she just shared so much with me, included every stupid comment I’ve made. Every time I talked about Morgana, even if she did ask. And joking about marrying her? I really hurt her. I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” I say.

“Don’t worry about it,” she says. No, I do worry about it. “I understand.”

You understand? You understand? The look in her eyes - she has no idea what I mean. “No, for…” But how do I say it? How do I say everything? She looks confused. Gods, her lips. Her eyes, her face, her… “Everything.”

She still looks confused. But I guess she gives up on understanding, for now, at least. “Really,” she says, “It’s okay.” It’s not. But there’s nothing either of us can do about it. “I’m pretty tired,” she says, leaning her head against the wall, “I’m going to try to get some sleep. I have to pretend to be evil tomorrow.” I can only smile at the joke. I can only smile at her.

This changes things. This changes so much. I have to live past Saul. For her. For everything. For all of this.

But first I need to focus. Focus on Dustil. Once we find Dustil… we’ll see what happens then.

Leviathan (see Chapter 105)

It’s over. Saul Karath is dead. And I killed him. I take a breath. No time to dwell on it, I have to help the others. I pivot on my heel and fire at a trooper across the Leviathan’s bridge. Rena throws a lightsaber at him and jumps at him. Strikes at the neck. Dead. Bastila pushes the last two away with a burst of the Force. They fall into the computer pit and stay down. It’s all over. We just have to open the hangar doors and release the bridge lockdown. Rena can do that. I need to… take a moment. I’m done. It’s over. My life is mine again. I’m free to spend it… however I want. And I want to spend it with Rena. More than anything. It’s just… so real now. I look at her. I’ve got the rest of my life to look at her.

“Carth…” No. “Carth…”

“The Admiral’s still alive!” Yeah, no shit, Bastila.

I just got my life back, you’re not going to have it for another second. “It's time to finish this.”

“No, Carth!” Bastila reaches out to stop me. “Do not give in to your hatred!”

Rena stretches out her arm to stop Bastila. “Bastila, it’s not your place,” she says softly but firmly, “And it’s not mine.”

No, it’s not. “Don't you understand what this man has done to my life? Do you know the pain he's brought me?”

“Killing him won't ease the pain, Carth.” You don’t know that. “Do not become what you despise.”

Saul coughs. “Carth… must tell you… must tell you something…” I could just walk away. Leave him to die on his own. I don’t give a damn what he has to say. I don’t. I- I don’t. “…come closer…” No. I won’t. I don’t care. I don’t -- damn it. I lean in. “Your friend… your lover… is Darth Revan.” What? She… what? No. No, she’s… “And Bastila… knows.” She… No. Damn it, no. “You didn’t know, did you?” He laughs. Damn you. Bastard. “Remember my dying words… Remember them whenever… whenever you look at those you thought were your friends!” And that’s it.

“He’s gone.” And Rena… Revan… she… no, that’s not… that can’t be. But Bastila… she was the one who… she knew? “He said… he… it can't be true, can it?” He said… Rena… and she knew. But Rena… no, Revan… no, Rena… no. Revan. “No. No… no - it can't!” But it’s -- “Damn you, Saul! Damn you!”

“Carth, what did he say?”

No, I… I can’t… I can’t look at her. “Bastila, it is true, isn't it?” No, don’t look at me like that! You know! “And… and you knew! You and the whole damn Jedi Council. You knew the whole time!” Someone did know something I needed to know. But it was never Rena. It was Bastila.

“Carth, it’s not what you think,” she says. Excuses now? “We had no other choice! Please, you don't understand…”

What the hell kind of excuse is that? I point my blaster at her. “So make me understand!”

Rena stands between us. My enemy… My best friend… My… I don’t know. I could end this. But I… she… “Whoa, whoa, guys! Whatever’s going on it can’t be that serious!”

Not that serious? “Not here, Carth, please…” No! How many excuses are you going to throw in my face? “There’s no time.” That’s one. “Malak is coming.” That’s two! “This isn’t the place.” So what is the place? The ship? The place we’ve been for two months? That clearly wasn’t the place then! “Please, Carth, I'm asking you to trust me. For just a little while longer.”

“Really? You expect me to trust you after this? After everything?”

“Carth,” Rena says, “whatever this is about, if Malak is coming we don’t have time. We can get into this when we’re back on the Hawk.”

How can you… how can you take her side in --? Oh, gods. Do you… Did you already know? No. No, she would have said. But -- I lower my blaster. “As soon as we’re off this ship I expect some answers!”

“Of course, Carth.” Of course, she says. “As soon as we get to the Ebon Hawk, I’ll explain everything. To both of you. I promise.”

Today

I never really got those answers. But I’m… not sure it matters. At the end of the day… is she really… different? I look at her and… it’s the same. She’s the same. There’s so much… and I can’t forget that… but I can’t forget her.

I made a promise. And I have to keep it. For her.

#knights of the old republic #kotor #autistic artist #star wars #fiction #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #carth onasi #bastila shan #taris #dantooine #tatooine #kashyyyk #korriban #leviathan #revanasi #saul karath #alderaan #chapter 116

[spectraspecs-writes]

Alderaan - Chapter 114 (HK-47)

Link to the masterpost. Chapter 113. Chapter 115

A/N: owie

@averruncusho @ceruleanrainblues @chubbsmomma @strangepostmiracle thank you for reading, you get a tag. @skelelexiunderlord thank you for support, you get a tag.

——–

The revelation of Rena’s true identity meant nothing to the droid. T3-M4 cared not for the politics of man, their divisions or relationships to each other. He would do as his master requested, and in return she kept his parts in working order. In that respect, T3 could not have asked for a better master. Rena was more than competent when it came to his parts. There were no unpleasant shocks, no neural feedback loops, never any rust on his joints or dust in his chassis. He had no exposed wires or dents. She kept him in good working order at all times.

But lately there was nothing. In the past four days since this revelation, excluding a very brief trek on Tatooine, there had been no missions. Rena had asked nothing of anyone. In fact, he had not seen her since Tatooine. Of course he had sensor readings of everything. And his readings told him that Rena was still on the ship. Body heat was low. Endorphin levels were low. Obviously not functioning at peak efficiency. How could she keep him functioning at peak efficiency if she was not at peak efficiency herself? And while she had no parts, no wires to patch, no servos to replace or joints to oil, perhaps there was something he could do to fix her.

She had seldom moved from the starboard quarters. The other crew members had entered, but she did not leave with any of them. And it was there he found her. “A greeting to you,” he chimed. She always understood each of his beeps and whistles.

“Hey, T3,” she said sadly.

“T3-M4 requests status report.”

She shrugged. “I’m doing okay, I guess.”

Scanning. “Analysis indicates 92% probability of falsehood.”

She smiled sadly. “Yeah, okay,” she admitted, “You’re right.” She shifted and sat up a bit. “What’s up?”

“Secondary power coupling is malfunctioning.”

“No, it’s not,” she said with certainty.

“Secondary power coupling is malfunctioning.”

“I replaced that four days ago - remember? I hit you with my lightsaber? It’s not malfunctioning.” She sat up more to look at him.

“Secondary power coupling is malfunctioning.”

She sat up all the way, feet on the ground. “Are you trying to make me feel better?”

“Previous scans indicate droid repair stimulates dopamine production in Rena Visz. Humans require dopamine to function at peak efficiency.”

She smiled sadly again. “That’s nice of you, but it’s not necessary. I’ll be okay.”

“Secondary power coupling is malfunctioning.”

She sighed, a little annoyed. “You aren’t going to leave until I do something, are you?”

“Please repair the secondary power coupling.”

“God, you’re pesky,” she said, rolling her eyes. She pulled her droid tool kit out from under her pillow. “Alright, come here.” T3 rolled closer and spun his head so she could access the coupling. “I’m rerouting all power through the primary, it might tickle a bit.”

“Acknowledged.” It never did. Despite her warnings he never felt any discomfort. “Power successfully rerouted.”

“Awesome.” She unrolled her pack and pulled out a power meter before carefully excising the power coupling with her spanner. She hooked the coupling to the power meter and ran some test currents through it. And without doing anything further, she simply reinstalled the coupling. “I told you it wasn’t malfunctioning,” she said, shrugging again, “It works just as well as the primary coupling.”

“Please repair primary power coupling.”

She groaned, rolling the tool kit back up. “T3, your systems are functioning perfectly, there’s nothing to repair,” she said, exasperated, “I appreciate the gesture, but I’d feel much better if you’d just leave me alone.”

“Incorrect.”

“Oh, yeah?” she said, raising her voice, “And what do you know about it?”

“Previous scans of Rena Visz indicate a preference for companions at all times. The presence of others has the effect of increased serotonin and dopamine production, essential for human functioning. Further scans indicate low levels of both chemicals.” Rena started to object, but T3 started again. “It is the primary function of this unit to ensure the well-being of its master. In order to carry out this function, data indicates the presence of T3-M4 is required at this moment.”

Rena stared at the droid, who only stared back. Then she sighed. “Well,” she said, “there’s nothing here to repair.” T3 remained immobile. “But I think I can boost your sensor output.”

“Acceptable.”

Rena climbed out of bed and sat on the floor in front of the droid. “I have to disconnect your eye, you won’t be receiving any input for a while.”

“Acknowledged.” She reached behind his head and disconnected his eye, just as she said she would, before opening a panel on his midsection and getting to work. “T3-M4 requests diagnostic report.”

“It’s just this whole thing about… Revan, who I really am,” she said softly, “I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. But… I know it’s true. When Malak said it… I knew. Even though I don’t remember any of it. Or, I don’t remember most of it. How can I trust myself anymore? How can anyone trust me?” As hard as she tried not to, she started to cry. She had already cried so many times over the past four days, she didn’t want to anymore. But somehow she knew this would not be the last time. “How can you trust me? How can you trust that I’m not going to… I don’t know, set you to self-destruct or fry your computer core?”

“Probability indicates 0.0002% chance of those events.”

“But how do you know that? How do you trust that?”

“Observation and analysis of Rena Visz.”

“What do you mean?”

“On this unit’s first encounter with Rena Visz, she spoke with kindness towards Janice Nall. This unit had observed 217 separate incidents of humans insulting Janice Nall. Rena Visz spoke with kindness towards T3-H8, a salvaged unit in need of repairs, and offered to carry out those repairs. Upon purchase of T3-M4, Rena Visz paid 2000 credits and did not threaten Janice Nall.” All accurate. “Downloads from datapad journals list 173 instances where Rena Visz worked for the betterment of others before herself. On numerous occasions, Rena Visz has exhibited compassion towards droidkind as well as humankind, in addition to several sentient and non-sentient non-human life forms.”

“None of that means anything,” she said.

“Incorrect,” T3 whistled, “You are kind.”

“Yeah, so far, but what if--”

“You are kind.”

“Something might change!” she insisted, “If I-”

“You are kind.”

So she stopped. Stopped objecting. “Thank you, T3,” she said, smiling through the tears, “That’s really helpful.”

“This unit has only one negative incident recorded in memory.”

Her face dropped, instantly concerned. “What?”

“The purchase of HK-47.”

She smiled and laughed. “Will you two ever get along?”

“Negative.”

------

I was washing my face when I remembered it.

It came out of nowhere. Well, not nowhere, I guess. I was in the fresher, thinking about T3 and HK, I splashed water on my face, and it just… came to me: “Access code: 13-green-ribbon.” I almost wish I hadn’t remembered it. But now that I have… I just need to know.

There’s no one on the ship but me and the droids. I guess the others are enjoying the Alderaan morning. But that gives me time to do this without feeling anyone’s judgement. Least of all my own. I find HK in the main hold, just paused. “HK?”

He whirs to life. “Statement: HK-47 is ready to serve, master.”

I take a deep breath. “Access code 13-green-ribbon.”

He takes a moment, the lights in his eyes spinning. “Commentary: I am… experiencing something unusual, master. My programming is activating my deleted memory core. I believe I have a… a homing system that is restoring it, master.” Yeah. I had a hunch. “Observation: My homing system is a function of my assassination protocols, that which I told you had been de-activated. This system was not. It seems that the homing system deliberately restores my deleted memory core upon receipt of the access code known only by… my original master.”

“Revan.” I knew this days ago. Or suspected it. But I didn’t have the courage to see if that suspicion was correct. And apparently I couldn’t have anyway until today, when I remembered the access code.

“Affirmation: Correct, master. Sith protocols maintain that all droid knowledge be deleted before assassination missions, and restored upon return. I have returned to you, and my full functionality is now under your personal command. It is a distinct pleasure to see you again, master.”

I almost wonder if this is a path I shouldn’t go down. If I should wait for the memories to resurface themselves, assuming they ever do. Why should I do something that might make me feel worse? But also… I think… I need to know. I need to know about… who I used to be. “Tell me about her. Who I… Revan.”

“Statement: You created me shortly after you and your apprentice began your war to conquer the galaxy. I was sent on an assassination mission into Mandalorian space, but I was damaged and unable to return to you. Exclamation: I find this most distressing. I could certainly have protected you from the Jedi and your pupil's betrayal had I returned.”

“From what I understand, there wasn’t much you could have done.”

“Objection: But I would have tried, master! I could have killed the Jedi, Bastila, I am sure of it. That would have been most fun.”

I… actually don’t know who I feel about that. On the one hand, I hate her. I still hate her. I hate this. This whole thing. But on the other hand… she was my friend. And for Canderous’ sake… I don’t know. So I just… try not to think about it and change the subject. “It's probably better it worked out this way, anyway.”

“Observation: You may be right, master. This way we are reunited, and neither of us has suffered permanent termination.”

“What can you tell me about Malak?” I’m not brave enough to ask the question I want to ask. Not yet. I’m afraid of the answer.

“Commentary: Your former pupil is efficient and brutal, even for an organic. I rather liked him when you first introduced me to him. If I had known what he would do to you, master, I would have gladly removed his entrails right then!”

“Do you… do you know anything about the Star Forge?”

“Answer: No, master. You never did make me privy to any of the Star Forge's secrets.”

I’m not sure of anything else to ask except for… the one I’m afraid to ask. “Am I… The Revan you knew, am I… anything like her?”

I try to brace myself for the answer I don’t want to hear. The confirmation that I am every bit like her, that we are just the same and no one should trust me, I should just leave, that every suspicion Carth has is right. But I can’t. There’s no way I can prepare myself for that. “Observation:” Here it comes. “You are different in many fundamental ways, master.” What… what ways? “You have a concern for life that is unsettling. Your dedication to peace and the well-being of others is strange and at times disconcerting. In addition, the master I knew would have had intimate relations with the entire crew by now.” Damn, she must have been… busy. “This cannot solely be explained by memory loss. I do not know how to explain it.” No, it can’t be. “Regardless, you do seem to be improved, overall, from the human I once knew.”

That’s… incredible. Amazing to hear. And straight from the horse’s mouth, too. HK actually knew Revan. And unlike Malak, he doesn’t want to shape me or mold me into who I used to be, you know? HK is completely on my side here. I’m… improved. I’m better than Revan. I’m a good person. I’m a better person.

I find Master Zhar meditating in a training room, alone. I knock at the threshold, and he opens his eyes, turns to look at me. “It is good to see you, Padawan. Is there something I can help you with?”

“You said… you said you could teach me how to control the lightning.” He straightens himself. “I need to learn.” He smiles. It feels good.

#knights of the old republic #kotor #star wars #autistic artist #fiction #specs writes stuff #kotor fic #rena visz #oc #fem!revan #ls!revan #bi!revan #t3-m4 #hk-47 #zhar lestin #alderaan #chapter 114 #in case anyone is concerned im not typing so much that im truly hurting myself #but im also at work answering phones and my phone is on my left so i have to stretch my arm to pick up the phone #either that or I have to do this weird lunge to get my left arm to the phone #im fine i wouldn't be doing this if it would hurt me #and yes i have a doctors appointment on monday bc this has been a problem for weeks its just starting to get bad now