#remember u can ignore whatever parts of the generated result u get if it looks better

[saltedsour]

Raises hand

Here, bestie

adding a little content warning for extra limbs/eyes and bug/insect related topics.

this is also mainly for casual humanoid designs (like what i draw)

ALSO you will get things like. The same things twice in a row. You just will

#remember u can ignore whatever parts of the generated result u get if it looks better #like the random clothes colours Will look shit

[elsewhereuniversity]

About Face

“Do you have any questions about your prescriptions today, uh…m-miss?” The pharmacist’s question is laced with assumptions about who you are. It’s not great, of course, but it’s also not worth your time to fight about today.

“No, I’m good,” your smile and voice are sugary-sweet, but your eyes are daggers as you take the bag and turn back towards the door. The heat and humidity are already staggering at 8 am and you are immediately made sticky by the brief walk to your car. As you start it up, there’s a brief chime of email-receiving from your phone, but you ignore it. Then there’s another ding, this time your lab-mate, Valerie, texting you.

Hey, u almost in?                                                                                     In like 30min. had to stop by pharmacy

K. Jill was looking for u. Also ugh that paper for tomorrow, I’m not even a  birdsong person lol

Lol get over it, I had to read one of your fancy neuro papers last time. Did jill say what she needed me for?

Whatever lol. She didn’t say.

                                                                        Ughhhhhhh

Jill, Dr. Dominguez, is your advisor, and you know you need to get her some figures and sections of your thesis soon, but these damn stats…well. There’s a reason you prefer spending your time traipsing off-trail through the wilderness over sitting in front of a computer all day. Not that this part isn’t interesting and important too, but come on.

Traffic is moving at a sluggish pace, of course, so you’re lost in contemplation and dread of the analyses you need to attempt running today, and the inevitable conversation with Dr. Dominguez that will have to happen at some point. As the traffic finally begins to move, you grit your teeth. Maybe it’s time to consider actually asking for help. I have no fucking clue how to do multivariate shit…You stare ahead as you inch forward, before a frustrating, jolting stop at a red light. Your eye is drawn to a kid crossing the road, wearing a grey hoodie. They look forlorn, for some reason you can’t entirely enumerate, and you glance back at them as the light finally turns.

The sun isn’t very high yet, so there are still some odd shadows stretching across the sidewalk, but you could’ve sworn that the kid had no face.

****

You manage to put the pharmacist and your grandma and the obviously-just-a-trick-of-the-light-I-mean-how-else-could-that-be faceless kid out of your mind for the rest of the morning and actually get some results you can work with from the analyses you’d been worried about. And when Dr. Dominguez pops into lab to talk to you, she is actually impressed at both the pace and quality of work you’ve delivered thus far. In fact, you’re feeling pretty damn good about everything, despite the earlier unpleasantness, so you decide to grab some lunch and hang out with some of the other grad students and lab techs.

Lunch-special sushi in hand, you plop yourself down at one of the rundown old tables in the work room. Valerie is there, along with Raul, one of the grad students from a micro lab down the hall, and Jackson, one of the general lab techs. Everyone says hi, but you’re only vaguely following the conversation as you dig into your spicy tuna roll. Something something TA stipends being cut. Which is such bullshit, of course, but nothing new. You’re just about to jump into the discussion when you get a Facebook notification. It’s your cousin, who tagged you in a post. You stare for a good five seconds at your phone.

Just remembering the good times with my cousin before he decided to be a transsexual.

And then a picture from when you were 14, a picture you’d thought you’d deleted from every conceivable online location. A picture that highlights pretty much every single aspect of your body that made staying in the closet completely untenable. Everything just always happens at once, huh.

“Fucking asshole,” you mutter, and are surprised to feel the hot prick of tears in your eyes.

“Becca, you alright?” Valerie asks, and you belatedly realize that everyone at the table heard you and is now staring. They think you were talking about one of them, or responding to something they said.

“Uh, yeah, sorry. Just something my cousin posted. She’s—she can be such a jerk. Don’t worry about it,” you say as you hastily wipe away the tears.

“What’d she do?” Jackson asks. Valerie glares at him so fiercely that he rolls his eyes and holds up his hands, “Just, like, if you wanna talk about it.”

You sigh. You’re not precisely going stealth, but you also don’t just talk to everyone about being trans. Have you actually come out to Jackson? Valerie knows, and Raul, but you don’t think you’ve ever directly talked to Jackson about it.

“It’s—it’s fine. Just, she posted a picture of me from before I came out, and I really hate thinking about any of it.” You speak with a bit more force than you intend.

“Why is that a big deal?” Jackson asks, taking a bite of his pasta. Valerie glares at him again and Raul just shakes his head.

“It’s just…it took me a long time to figure it out, and I don’t particularly like being reminded of that. And it’s not great for dysphoria, either.” You say this distractedly as you go to the post and untag yourself.

“That’s really rough,” Raul says, frowning.

“Sorry, what’s that word?” Jackson asks with a raised eyebrow, “I guess I just don’t get it? It’s just a kid picture of you, what’s it matter?”

And that does it. You stand abruptly, “I need to get back to the lab.” You hear Valerie and Raul berating Jackson as you walk away, but you’re just so very done. You toss the empty sushi container in the trash at the corner of the hallway, near one of the windows overlooking the main walkway through campus. And you nearly trip over your own feet as you swivel to double check something down below. A gray hoodie. A child with no face looking over their shoulder as they turn a corner.

****

You don’t mean to take the wrong street. It’s already been far too long a day between all of the inanity with your extended family and Jackson. And everything you tried to run after lunch was a bust, making you feel like Dr. Dominguez’s praise earlier was completely undeserved. Given all of that, you decided to get takeout again, even though you really should be cooking, so you’re walking to pick up your order. It is early evening, the shadows having elongated to embrace nearly everything, and while debating whether it’s even worth confronting your cousin about the jab, your feet simply take you the wrong way. You don’t even notice, until you’re standing in front of an empty park that’s three blocks over from where you should be. Or, wait.

Not empty. One lone figure, sitting quietly on one of the swings, wreathed in shadow.

You’ve been walking quite quickly, but over the course of a few steps have come almost to a stop. With a shiver, you glance around the area, but no parents or adults are in sight, and the figure looks young, even from a distance. 12, maybe? Maybe the kid lives in one of the nearby houses? Probably. Should you call someone? Who? Not the cops. They’d just as soon arrest or hurt the kid as help them. It isn’t that late, leaving the kid be is probably the most prudent course of action.

But. The kid feels…familiar. Even from a hundred meters, you can see that their shoulders are hunched, their hands are tight on the chains of the swing. The gentle creaking as those chains move with the slight shifts of the kid’s body is despondent in a way that is known to you, somehow. So, against your better judgement, you leave the sidewalk and walk across the damp grass to the edge of the playground. When you step onto the sand, the kid’s head jerks up and their shoulders tense further, raising almost to their ears. You stop walking and from the new angle a streetlight throws the kid’s grey hoodie into stark relief.

“Are-are you okay?” you have to clear your throat to get the words out and your voice sounds weak and tinny in the still, silent park.

The shoulders shrug. The kid is also wearing jean cutoffs, their scuffed sneakers unlaced.

“Do you need me to call someone?”

A sharp shake of the head, and then their hands release the chains and fall into their lap.

“Don’t need anything,” the kid’s voice is low, you can barely hear what they’re saying. Gingerly, you take the last few steps to the swing set and awkwardly settle into one of the worn rubber seats. Only after you have already done this do you think to question why you are so compelled to talk to this child who—maybe? how?—has been dogging you all day.

“I said I don’t need anything,” the kid says in an emotionless voice. Their face is still completely shadowed by their hood and shaggy hair.

 “I just—look, kid, I think I’ve been where you are, and—”

The kid cuts across you, “I tried to tell them today. But I…couldn’t, I didn’t know how to, so I just ended up saying I like girly shoes and wanted some or whatever.”

Oh. So you were right. You know exactly what’s going on. In fact, you’re pretty sure you had that precise conversation, once.

“That’s tough,” you acknowledge, slowly pushing back in the swing, which creaks beneath you, “It took me a long time too.”

There’s silence. Then:

“That’s what I was worried about.”

You start and quickly glance over at the kid, who has finally turned to face you.

She doesn’t have a face, which, you suppose, really shouldn’t be a surprise. You weren’t seeing things, earlier. There’s just a smooth expanse of dark olive skin. The featureless head tilts to one side and she speaks again.

“I thought you might recognize me.” The voice is plaintive. With every word, you feel a sense of vertigo, like there is a mouth, somewhere, that is making those sounds, that it’s right in front of you, but you cannot perceive it.

You are breathing very rapidly, “I thought—how do you know me? What’s, I mean—”

“This?” the kid gestures at her face, “I don’t know, I can see but I can’t see myself, I dunno what’s going on. All I know is I was walking to the park and then I was here, or I mean, on the road this morning and saw you and I followed you and I just want to go home or just sleep or just melt away but I can’t, okay? There’s just nothing.”

Without noticing, you have sprung to your feet and are backing away from the faceless girl, the faceless girl who can’t tell her parents who she is. Who you are.

“I didn’t want to think about it,” you whisper. Why are you even responding to this? This is a hallucination, or a dream. You’re just reacting to the whole bullshit situation with your cousin and Jackson and that fucking pharmacy tech. Did you fall asleep back in the lab, is that it? You pinch yourself, but no luck, “I came out and that was what I needed. Okay? Why dwell on, on, on all of that shi—stuff that happened before?”

The girl is still sitting placidly in the swing, though her hands are once again clenched around the chains.

“I knew you were me, I guess. So I followed. I don’t think anyone else notices me either, not that that’s anything new,” The note of bitterness in her voice cuts you to the bone, “I thought maybe you—me, future me, whatever—would be able to…fix me? But nothing’s changed, has it?”

You’re backed up to the slide now, “Why are you doing this? What even are you?”

You slump against the side of slide, your knees suddenly weak, “This cannot—this is bullshit, I don’t know how you’re doing this, but—”

The faceless girl is in front of you now, hands jammed into the front pocket of her hoodie. She stands there, contemplating her future self, “I just want to understand,”

The kid, proto-Becca, or whatever or whoever she is, sure sounds like a kid desperately trying to make sense of something, and not some ghoulish nightmare creature.

“Just stop,” you say in a hoarse voice, “I just don’t want to think about it, I shouldn’t have to think about it, I just want to move forward.”

“Yeah,” proto-Becca abruptly falls to her knees, and draws them up to her chest. It takes a few seconds for you to understand the sounds that the kid is making are sobs.

You hug your own knees and contemplate getting up and running away and just forgetting about all of it: this faceless phantom of your childhood self, your relatives’ inability to accept your reality, the absurd, useless, pointless stats and analyses. You’re crying too, desperately trying to refocus on the here and now, instead of being drawn down into the rabbit hole of loneliness and regret and fear that always consumes you when you think too hard about those years in which it felt like your whole body was turning against you and you couldn’t find any satisfactory explanations for what you were feeling.

But the sounds of proto-Becca, of proto-you, sobbing into her knobbly knees bring you back to the present. Ironic, that. No matter what else, however she got here, whatever happened to her face, she’s a kid. She’s a kid. She’s. A. Kid. You were a kid.

You furiously wipe your eyes and nose and sit up, scooting a bit closer to proto-Becca.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” you say in as steady a voice as you can manage, “I was scared, and, and, and I lashed out. It’s not your fault, kid.”

She doesn’t lift her head, but the sobs are quieter.

“I mean, kid, no offense, but you don’t have a face. And somehow you’re me, right?” Okay, that came out meaner than you meant it to, “The truth is that I’ve done my best to forget pretty much everything that happened back when I was…you, I guess. But I can’t.”

She sniffles, “I’m trying to tell them, I am. But the boys at school, every time I try to talk to Mom or Dad I see those boys laughing and yelling and coming at me and I can’t, I don’t—know how I ended up here, or what to do about this or anything. I just want things to be normal.”

And, finally, you get it. Not why she’s here, or how, or what any of this means, but, at least, what to do. You’ve tried to help kids who were like you before. You’d never have told them that they needed to keep their feelings concealed, that they needed to not do anything so as to avoid reminding you of your own past. So why, then, are you doing it to yourself?

“Is it okay if I come sit next to you, maybe give you a hug?” you ask, as gently as you can.

You get a glimpse of the faceless face from behind the curtain of hair, “I—I think so?”

You get to your feet, a task far more laborious than you feel it should be, and cross to her. When you plop down by her side, she twitches, but it’s toward you. Slowly and carefully, you wrap an arm around her narrow shoulders, and hold her close. She’s still crying, and the hood has slipped from her dark curls.

“It’s okay that it’s taking time,” you say, “It’s really, really hard. I meant that. There’s…nothing out there. No one to explain to you, to, uh, us, what these feelings mean, really. I remember. I remember how much it feels like you’re just stuck in the same looped computer program. Endlessly completing the same actions with no idea why, only feeling like something isn’t right. And so scared of what happens if you do anything that breaks that loop.”

“That’s pretty much it,” she says with a note of wait, that wasn’t completely in my head???, “I don’t see how I can explain to anyone, especially Mom and Dad.”

“I think all you can do is be honest. There are some resources out there, although maybe they aren’t published yet,” you glance sideways at her, “But if you just…elucidate those feelings you’ve been sitting on, it at least opens the door to them comprehending.”

“I guess so,” she sighs, and then giggles, “But also, like, no offense, that was, like, a really freakin’ pretentious way to say that.”

You snort and ruffle her hair, “Whatever. Something for you to look forward to, then.”

She’s quiet for a bit and then, quick like a bird, she wraps her arms around you too, “So I’m gonna tell them, then?”

You shrug, “When you’re ready. Whenever that is. And I promise, you are no lesser if it takes a while. Okay?”

“But you’re still going to hate thinking about me, right? I mean, about how long it took me, you, to finally do it?” her head tilts.

You sigh, “I don’t know. It’s hard, I won’t pretend it isn’t. But I think I can at least say that it’s okay. That it’s not my, or your, fault.”

When you look up, her face appears. Smile first. Broad and full of braces, her quick and nervous brown eyes darting to your face and then back to her knees.

“You’ll be fine,” you say, giving her one last squeeze, “I’m the living proof, right?”

Her laugh lingers in the air as she fades away.

x

#transroadwarrior #stories #long post #about face #body horror #of the faceless variety #trans #transphobia #briefly #becca #proto becca #submission

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #370

“breakdowns, obscenities, it’s all i wanna be”

Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? Downloading music, for one. I really should just start using Spotify... but my iPod has over 1k songs on it and I just seriously don't want to got through all the trouble. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? Hm. I dunno. What kinds of videos do you like to watch on YouTube, if any? I watch SO many different kinds. It used to be pretty strictly let's plays, but I've definitely expanded my watching interests. Now I'm really into watching educational reptile and tarantula husbandry and keeping channels, I watch one woman who is like my weight loss idol (Jordan Shrinks, she is amazing), there's a few vloggers, I enjoy some World of Warcraft channels, and then there's a couple urban exploration guys I like. I also occasionally watch some beauty YouTubers just for their personalities and the art of it. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? Yes, but they were so busy that I didn't connect with anyone before I finally gave up and ODed. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? Ummmm I don't really know. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I care a lot about other people. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? The breakup. It brought me to the lowest of lows, where every day was a struggle to survive. It taught me I can endure through almost anything, even if it doesn't feel like I can. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Happiness, contentment, being in love, motivation, energy, activities, travel... There's genuinely a lot. IIs there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? I'm very bad at ignoring things. If something is bothering me, it's going to put up a beastly fight to be at the forefront of my mind. What is something you wish was different about your family? I wish we were closer and better off monetarily. What keeps you going lately? The hope for a happy, satisfactory future. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? if so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? I've been in a long-distance relationship with another girl. I think the hardest part was that there was not being able to physically be there for each other when one of us was really struggling, and sometimes communication was an issue, not being able to read body language when we voice chatted or hear the tone in which we "spoke" when texting, though I'm pretty sure that's an issue with any online relations. I also feel it's difficult to really build and experience your chemistry with one another when you're not physically with the other person. I still think all these challenges were worth overcoming, though. I in no way regret the relationship and got only good things out of it. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? I'm kinda torn between Jason and Colleen, but I think my bond with Jason was ultimately more unhealthy because it went beyond love: he was an obsession. Having him with me was the only thing that brought me joy, and I lit-er-a-lly could not imagine my future without him. Like that concept just didn't exist; it was entirely impossible in my head. On his end, he failed to communicate what he was going through emotionally, which only contributed to the damage. I never knew he was struggling because of me. Without realizing it, I put so much pressure on him to make me happy, so to answer the last question, no, we don't, by his decision - and I don't blame him. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? A neverending battle I have with myself is if how I treated Jason after the breakup was qualifiable as emotional abuse, specifically with messaging him things like "thanks for sending me to the ER" and shit. My therapist reassures me that it wasn't abusive because I wasn't being deliberately manipulative, but rather genuinely hurt and convinced I had been wronged and wanted him to know and acknowledge it. She agrees that it was wrong, which I entirely agree with, but sometimes, I'm still convinced I was abusive. I fucking hate answering this question, so hurrying up: I don't know if he's forgiven me. As for how others could reconcile, that's not for me to say. I know sometimes the answer is to NOT make amends and completely stay away from their abuser. It's not my right to tell others how to cope with their abuse. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? My former best friend Colleen was toxic as all fuck hell, and I let her back in way too many times. No, she never changed. I honesty doubt she ever will, given her pride. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? Hmmm... I know this was semi-recent, but whatever it was is evading me at the moment. I personally have zero issue with adults engaging in activities like that; let people do what they enjoy if they're not harming anyone, especially things as innocent as dressing how they think is cute, etc. I would far rather people "act like children" (not emotionally, you know what I mean) than run around the streets selling drugs and shit. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? When I was riding to the sleep study section of the health plaza, where the hospital is, my anxiety spiked quite a bit, recalling all of my ER stays for being suicidal. It didn't help that the psych hospital I visited most is also in that whole jumble of buildings. I dealt with it by reminding myself I was in that area for a very different reason, and Mom reassured me that where I would be staying was more like a small hotel room than a hospital bed, which was true, so that helped. Regarding the next question, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I have a stupid amount of PTSD triggers: certain music, shows, fandoms, places, smells, even tastes of certain foods. I tend to stay away from my major triggers, but I'll *sometimes* fight the tiny ones, because I want that sense of ownership of myself back. If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? Yes. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? I'm VERY sensitive to feeling anything in my nose, and it leads to me needing to blow it a lot. I also can't stand having holes in my socks, but since I wear flip flops essentially everywhere, I don't experience this much. Are you ever afraid to admit to liking something because you’re afraid other people will judge you for it? What is the worst that’s ever happened as a result of you liking something different from the crowd? What about the best thing that’s come as a result of a unique interest? Y E P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing really bad has happened because of admitting my interests, other than hearing things along the lines of "I don't get it." It's very odd, just how horribly receptive I am to judgment about things I like when I don't recall a time where I was ridiculed for anything. But anyway, the best thing to happen from sharing interests for me is making a new friend that likes the same thing, and I will IMMEDIATELY be closer to you than most people I associate with once you've helped me past that vulnerable spot of mine. Have you ever remained good friends with an ex? Yeah. Do you have a negative view of mentally ill people, or are you mentally ill yourself? Do you ever call others crazy, insane, etc? Do you ever call yourself those things? I'm mentally ill and empathize heavily with those who suffer themselves. I absolutely do not have a negative look on mental health sufferers; we don't choose to be victims. I'm definitely not a big fan of abusing terms like "insane," because I've fucking been there, and it's not a term to take lightly. I've thrown 'em around before, but I try to avoid it. I don't call myself any of those things nowadays, but in the deepest trench of my depression and PTSD, I honest to God think I fit the definition of "insane." Does it bother you to have people comment on what you’re eating, or do you not care? What are some comments that would bother you, if any? Do you ever comment on what other people are eating or make assumptions about their intakes? YES. JUST DON'T FUCKING COMMENT. I get EXTREMELY self-conscious when my mom does this sometimes when I occasionally need a small snack to hold me out overnight, and I absolutely never will say something to someone else. It's just rude, imo. Well, I guess if someone was really destroying their health and I was close to them, I would out of concern and be very gentle, but when regarding most people? I'm keeping my thoughts to my damn self. Do you like Redbull? I've never tried it and don't want to. I'm not an energy drink fan. Who is the last person you spent money on? My mom. I remember I bought us fast food when we were out once. What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days? G U Y S!!!!!!!!! I GET MY TATTOO TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! :'''') Also on the same day, I start my TMS therapy, which I have high hopes for. Have you ever gone a whole day without eating? No. Do you sometimes use your music player to help you fall asleep? No, but I did that for years back in middle school. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you shave your legs more than once a week? Haaaaaaaaa. If you could cuddle with anyone right now, who would you pick? I really wish I could cuddle my late pup Teddy again. :/ I was thinking about that recently. Are you tanned? God no. I never am. Do you try to wear dresses whenever you can? No. I wish I was in a shape where I was comfortable wearing spring dresses again... I had this floral skull one in high school that I adored. Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? No. Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes. Did you like the person you last kissed when you kissed them? I loved her. Who did you have a meaningful conversation with last? Sara. Do you have feelings for someone? Yeah, but they're like... on a leash, you could say. I don't let 'em run free and wild, and I know that even if nothing comes of those feelings again, it's fine. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? I think Jason will be this answer for a very long time, if not forever, given the trauma and all. I have to remind myself frequently that I love his memory, not him, because I don't even know him anymore. It's been YEARS since we spoke. Just like I've changed incredibly, I'm sure he has, too. If you saw life in black & white, would that be okay with you? I mean, it would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, what kinds of things are you likely to do? How often do you find you have trouble sleeping? I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop. I'd say I most often get on WoW and refresh the auctions I have up because that tends to tire me out because I do that shit manually to avoid any addon mishaps, and I have a looooot to put up as a gold farmer. What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something to see if I qualified for a sleep study. Are you a patient person? What is one way you have a lot of patience? What about not very much patience at all? I am NOT patient, at least regarding more trivial things, like sitting in waiting rooms. I do have patience though with other people with more serious things, like getting someone to open up to me. At what time during the day do you tend to feel your best? What about the worst? When I first wake up. It's a "fresh start" and it's nice to feel rested. Plus, I open a fresh can of cold soda as my "coffee" for lack of better word, haha. I'm in my worst mood probably late afternoon/early evening, by which time I am incredibly bored and just dulled down. What was the last thing you did that you wish you could take back or do differently? The last thing... I dunno. How frequently do you stay overnight somewhere that isn’t your own home? What things do you miss about home when you’re away? Do you tend to get homesick easily? Pretty much never. I do miss my room and its privacy when I'm away from home, but I wouldn't say I get homesick all that easily, so long as I have WiFi, haha. Do you tend to eat more in the beginning of the day or at night? Do you have a tendency to snack when you’re bored? If so, what kinds of snacks do you normally go for? Not necessarily the beginning of the day, but definitely more than at night. I am BAD about snacking when I'm extremely bored, but at the very least I'm conscious enough to try and find something semi-healthy, like granola bars, fruits, a scoop of peanut butter, but I also sometimes just eat like... a slice of bread or a tortilla. Horrible choice. I'm a carb fiend and I hate it. If you have any dietary restrictions, do you ever miss foods you can’t have? If not, what’s something you haven’t had for a long time that you wish you could eat again? I thankfully don't have any. I've been craving cheesecake like a madman lately. :< The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, too. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have my license, and my driver's permit is even expired. I'm terrified of driving. I also don't have a job, and I can't cook. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? Uhhh I think someone on Facebook had a baby. Of course I was happy for them. What was the last milestone you reached in your life (graduating, buying a car, starting a family, etc)? What milestone are you going for next, if any? Um... I haven't reached a true milestone in years. Hell, I don't think since I started recovery from the breakup. Do you enjoy getting comments or messages? How likely are you to leave comments or messages for other people? Yeah, it makes me feel cared about. It really depends on the platform on how much I leave other people comments, and I'm extremely shy about messaging, but I'll do it sometimes. When are you most likely to scream (either out of fright, anger, or whatever)? Do you scream or yell often? When was the last time someone screamed at you (or in your presence)? Frustration, for sure. I've screamed into a pillow more than once. I definitely don't yell or especially scream often. I'm sure the last person to yell at me was Mom, but I don't remember about what. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? I'd saaaay... maybe love. When I love something/someone, I love HARD. I think I experience joy the weakest; it's very muted for me. And lastly, what are you listening to? Is this a band you listen to a lot "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. I wouldn't say I listen to them a lot, but I have been more than usual lately.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''the heretic anthem'' by slipknot

[exceli]

Learn how much sleep you really need. There are general guides based on your age group. However, every person is different, so it’s the best to access your sleep needs on your own. 2 ways to do that:

Keep sleep diary. Track your:  bed time | wake up time | total hours of sleep | feelings after waking up (exhausted, refreshed, etc) | energy levels throughout the day Alternatively, print one of these a bit more extensive diaries from: NHS | National Sleep Foundation Harvard Medical School | Anxiety Canada After tracking for 1-2 weeks try looking for patterns and determine what works the best for you.

Take a sleep vacation. This might be a little easier than the diary. Basically, for a week or two go to bed at the same time without setting an alarm, allowing your body to wake up naturally.. After a while, you will notice that you’re getting the same amount of sleep.

Decide on your permanent & consistent sleeping times. I.e., when you need to go to bed and wake up in order to get enough sleep. 

If you struggle with oversleeping, everyday try to wake up 5-10 min. earlier than the day before. Until you wake up at the time you need.

If you struggle with waking up & snooze button is your bff:

Put your alarm clock as far away from the bed as possible.

Use alarm apps that make you take a photo, solve maths problems, receive a call from a stranger: Alarmy | Wakie | I Can’t Wake Up | More...

Drink a glass of water right after you wake up.

Pour another glass of water on yourself.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  (u do what u gotta do)

Prepare cold brew coffee, leave it by your bedside, drink it right after you hit your alarm. Alternatively, buy some caffeine pills and take one  with a big glass of water  right after wake up.

Have your blinds/curtains open the night before, so that it’s bright after you wake up.

ALTERNATIVE FOR EVERYTHING IF YOU’RE RICH AF: buy one of those wearable fancy health monitors, connect it to some fancy app and SAD lamp that will wake up up feeling refreshed and alive.

If you struggle with going to sleep on time:

Limit your caffeine intake to 6 hours before your bedtime.

Try to limit your screen time at least 1h before bed.

Install blue light filters on your phone/laptop.

Do something relaxing (read, meditate, journal, drink tea, etc)

Try not to eat a lot before going to bed.

Try bed sheet sprays, like lavender.

Basically, establish a nighttime routine with all of these (skin care, reading, change into pajamas, etc), pavlov condition your brain to get sleepy when you do all of those things.

If you still can’t fall asleep, and been lying in bed for hours, get up and do something relaxing, like reading or listening to music. Lying in bed awake can create an unhealthy link between your sleeping environment and wakefulness. Instead, you want your bed to generate sleepy thoughts and feelings only.

Try to keep your sleeping schedule consistent. It is really important to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Even if it’s weekend. Or even if that means getting less than 7hrs of sleep that day. I’d say waking up at the same time everyday is the most important step, which will help you the most with fixing your sleeping schedule.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH LONG TERM HEALTH CONDITIONS, OR ARE SEVERELY UNDERWEIGHT/OBESE, PLEASE IGNORE THIS STEP AND RATHER SEEK HELP FROM A DIETITIAN AND/OR YOUR FAMILY DOCTOR.

This step really depends from person to person, but firstly I suggest you take some blood tests to see if you have any deficiencies, etc. Especially, if you struggle with cravings.

Try intermittent fasting, if you struggle with binge eating or overeating. As it will help you to learn to listen to your body better: when it’s hungry, when it’s full, etc. It’s really simple, there are many methods of intermittent fasting, but I’d suggest 16/8 for the beginners. (You can find a short guide here or google for more information)

DRINK ALL THE WATER. Again, if you’re not drinking enough water, try to level up your water game incrementally. Download some water tracking app on your phone to help you. Drinking water will make you more energetic, increase your metabolism, and decrease you appetite (among many other benefits). If you really struggle with meeting your water intake:

Reward yourself when you meet your daily/weekly goals.

Drink through the straw - idk why, but you are going to drink much more if you use a straw. Trust me.

Get a nice water bottle.

Flavour your water with fruits etc.

Check this video for more tips

Track what you eating. I would really suggest tracking your meals for around a month. Because, most of the time people have no idea that what they’re eating is unhealthy. Again, download an app like this one for that.

Make your own meals once in a while. Not only this will save you money, but it’ll help you to see what’s really going into your body. Start by doing that once/week and build it up depending how much time you have.

Eat more veggies/fruits. Go to your local market and buy some veggies/fruits, you have never tried before. I’m sure you’ll find your new favs. LEARN HOW TO COOK THEM. Experiment: boil, stir fry, ~roast~...

Eat/buy less meat. Not only it’s good for the environment, but it is good for you, too. Get a veggie burger instead of the beef one, increase the portions of your veggie sides, try meatless Mondays, etc. (Here’s some more tips)

Cut dairy. Find your new favourite milk substitute. Advice: Oat milk is amazing with the tea and oatmeal/porridge; hazelnut milk is amazing on it’s own; cashew milk goes well with cereals.

Learn more about nutrition in general. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH! It will help you to make better food choices and it will make eating healthy much easier in general, because once you understand all the chemistry behind the food and what it does to your body, you kinda don’t want to make yourself feel terrible. Here are some free resources: -- Human nutrition course from Alison.com -- Crash course Metabolism&Nutrition: Part 1 and Part 2 -- The Health Nerd’s YouTube Playlist about nutrition -- What I’ve Learnt YouTube Playlist -- Free Nutrition courses on edX

Define your goals. Do you want to lose weight, do you want to get stronger, gain weight, be able to climb the stairs without losing your breath, run 5k, punch god in the face?

Remember - you’re already half-way there. Being physically fit has a lot to do with what you put into your body. So, if you fulfilled the previous step of eating healthy - you have done 1/2 of the work!

Make a plan. A Reasonable plan. Be honest with yourself. Alternatively, there are many already-made plans to save your time. E.g., Couch to 5k for running, Beginners 30-day exercise guide, 30 days of yoga...

Start small. Like, 5 min exercise in the morning. Or doing 10 sit ups per day. Don’t do anything overwhelming, like running 5k everyday if you haven’t run for the past 5 years.

Make sure that you kinda like what you’re doing. If you absolutely hate running - don’t do it. Hate doing sit ups in the morning? Try yoga instead.

Explore, until you find what you like. You don’t have to go to gym to get fit, especially if you hate it. Find a type of exercise that you actually like. Maybe it’s dancing or hiking, taking your dog for a walk. Sign up for several trial lessons at various sport clubs. Ditch ‘em, if you have to, until you find something that you love. Stick with that.

Do the small changes in your everyday life. Stairs>Escalator, Walk>Drive, Do some squats while brushing your teeth, switch from regular desk to standing desk, etc…  Find ways to incorporate being active into your everyday life as, unfortunately, evolution hasn’t caught up with out sedentary lives yet.

Track your effort instead of your progress. You cannot really control your progress that much (especially if your goal is to lose weight). However, you can always control your effort. So measure it instead. This will leave you more motivated as you will be able to see that you can do more and more everyday. Whereas, if you tracked your progress, you may not always get the result you hoped for, which might demotivate you and make you upset, wanting to quit.

Do the previous 3 steps and you’re 10 miles ahead as mental health depends A LOT on the physical health.

See a therapist/doctor. Depression is an illness requiring medical treatment. So, get it. Remember: there is absolutely no shame in having a mental illness as there would be no shame if you had flu, broken leg, or a headache...

Learn about it. Knowledge is power. Learning to notice unhealthy thinking patterns and dissociate yourself from them can help a lot. Here are some resources on depression: -- Short TED-Ed video “What is depression?” -- Long TED talk about depression -- MIND Understanding Depression Booklet -- “What causes depression?” by Harvard Medical School -- “Understanding Depression in Young People” online course -- “Understanding Depression and Anxiety” Open University course

Get extra support. Talk to your friends or family. Or maybe someone on the internet: 

7 Cups free chat services: website | android | iOS 

Subreddits: r/mentalhealth, r/depression, r/suicidewatch

Write it down. If you don’t want to talk - write down your thoughts. It can be just as helpful. It’ll help you to understand yourself better, notice errors in your thinking, etc. Buy a cheap notebook (or expensive one, up to you) and start a journal. Try being consistent by writing every morning or evening or both, but DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF if you miss some days. Read through your past entries. Analyse them. Extract the lessons.

Distract yourself from yourself. Get something to take care of, so that for a moment you can stop thinking about yourself. Try volunteering or get a plant, or a dog, a fish... Focus on them. On keeping them alive and well. 

Self-care day. Dedicate at least one day per week for self-care. Take yourself out to a museum or some fancy cafe, do some stuff you like, whatever your hobbies are, do some physical self care: bath, face mask, manicure, etc., listen to some nice music, watch a film...

Try self-help options. Sadly, therapy is not always available and your friends/family doesn’t always know what to do or say. Luckily there are TONS of resources online: -- NHS Low Mood and Depression: A Self-Help Guide  -- Pacifica (website | android | iOS ): offers psychologist-designed tools to address stress, anxiety, and depression based on CBT, mindfulness meditation, mood/health tracking.     -- Moodpath (website | android | iOS): interactive two-week depression, burnout, and stress test that tracks your emotional and physical well-being -- MIND self-care guide for depression

Manage your emotions. The biggest cause of procrastination is an inability to navigate negative emotions associated with doing a thing. You need to learn to recognize your negative feelings and realize that procrastination is primarily about "feeling good now". Studies have shown that mindfulness can help you with that. --Getting started with Mindfulness Guide.

Figure your reasons why. Procrastinators often suffer from lack of identity, don't know what they want to achieve, or why they want to achieve it. It’s hard to work towards a goal, when you don’t have one. Also, people who are 'social perfectionists' and are motivated to work because of other people's/society's expectations rather than their own sense of accomplishment are more likely to procrastinate.

Divide your tasks into concrete smaller goals. Sometimes things seem to be hard because they are very vague. e.g. "working on my thesis" or "studying for my class" often means doing nothing, whereas "reading 4 pages of a textbook to understand a concept I need to summarize in my thesis" is a concrete, broken down goal.

Celebrate your victories instead of mourning over your loses. So the only thing you’ve done today was write one sentence for your 20 page essay? Amazing! Buy yourself some candy for that!! I mean, you could’ve done nothing, but you didn’t - you wrote that one sentence and that’s worth celebrating. 

Redefine the success - doing something is a hundred million times better than doing nothing. Also, if something is worth doing, it is worth doing poorly. 

Do it for only 2 minutes. If there’s an important thing you’ve been putting off for a while, tell yourself that you will only spend 2 minutes on doing it. If after 2 minutes you don’t want to do it anymore, great, stop it. However, after 2min. you actually might want to do more. No pressure either way.

Track your productivity. Track how much time you’ve been productive that day. Try to increase that time by a little bit every day.

Always forgive yourself. So, it’s been a week and you’ve done nothing? Don’t sweat it. Let it go. Blaming yourself will bring you absolutely nothing. Nothing good will come out of your negativity on yourself. So stop it. Forgive yourself and start again. And again, if you need to. Never stop trying. Always pick yourself after you fall. Beating procrastination and increasing your discipline is a skill. And all skills can be build on. There is nothing in you stopping you from changing. Remember that. More resources here: -- “9 Reasons You Procrastinate (and 9 Ways to Stop)” PsychologyToday --  Solving Procrastination Website -- “Helping Students Who Procrastinate” lecture by Tim Pychyl

Visit your doctor, if nothing works and procrastination is severely  impacting your life. Sometimes procrastination can be a symptom of an illness, like Anxiety or ADHD. If you are chronically procrastinating for a long time and nothing seems to help, talk to your doctor and ask for a psychological/psychiatric assessment. You may be referred for therapy or given medication that will help to deal with procrastination. 

Go to google.com.

Type in: “How to do taxes *the name of the country you’re living in*”

Read the results.

Alternatively, if you like socialising, ask some adults, whom you know, about it. Trust me, older people love teaching the youth. Learn all the lessons you can from them.

Remember that just as with beating procrastination, making phone calls is a skill. And, again, skills can be learnt.

Get a new SIM card. Top it up.

Call some local business (cafe, restaurant, shop, vet, etc). Ask some random questions, write them down if you fear of forgetting them. Some examples: -- What time do you open tomorrow? -- Are you open this Sunday? -- Do you cater for people with dairy allergies?  -- My cat hasn’t eaten for the whole day, what should I do? -- Alternatively, you can pretend that you dialed a wrong person and talk about whatever until they stop you, e.g.: You: “Hey!! You won’t believe what I saw today! You: *start telling a made-up story*” Them: “Uhm.. sorry I think you’ve dialed a wrong number“ You: “Oh, my bad. Thanks, bye“ You: *hang up*

If you’re really struggling, write down and follow this format, rehearse it if you need: You: Hi, is this *the name of the institution”? Them: Yes, how can I help you. You: I was wondering *insert a question from a list* Them: *answer the question* You: Thank you, what about *insert another question* Them: *doesn’t know the answer* You: That’s okay. I will look it up myself / I will call you back later.  Thank you for your help. Have a nice day!

If you get uncomfortable or mess up - just drop the call. Use fake names. No consequences whatsoever. Or say “Sorry, wrong number”, “Sorry, I gotta go”, “ I apologise, I need to hang up, I’ll call you back.”

Repeat until you build up your game and your phone-call anxiety starts to diminish. You can also start with calling your friends/family first, if you’re comfortable with that.

Bonus tips for serious calls: 

Remember it’s okay to ask a person on the other side to repeat what they said, if you couldn’t understand it. Despite it being a 21st century, phone calls still give a crappy quality sound. Everyone knows that and will understand you. Just say “Oh, sorry didn’t hear that, could you repeat again”, “the signal seems to have gotten weak, couldn’t quite catch that, please say it again”, etc. Once, I had to ask it five times, but then again, the other time I’ve been asked to repeat myself 7 times, too. No one cares. It says nothing about your language, speaking, listening, or whatever abilities. 

It’s okay to take a short break if you’re overwhelmed or if you need to look up something. Don’t stress out about having to answer someone immediately. Just say “give me a sec, I’ll look it up”, “could you please hang on for a minute”, “Oh sorry, pizza man’s at my door, I’ll be back shortly”. Lie, come up with your own reason to get away. No one cares. Just let them know that you’ll be back on the phone soon.

Don’t be afraid to ask them what they’re thinking. Phone calls can be intimidating cause you can’t see another person’s face/reactions. But if you do want/need to know them, just ask. “What you thinking?”, “How do you feel about this?”, “Sorry, you went quiet, did I say something wrong?”. 

Don’t feel pressured to answer immediately or hate the “awkward silences”. If you need to think in order to give an answer, just say so: “Give me a minute to think about this”, “I’m not sure I can answer this right now, I need time to think it over”, etc... 

Here you are in your peak mental & physical health. Go prove all those haters wrong. Follow your dreams. Do what you wanna do. And when new issues arise, remember that there are tons of resources out there to help you out. The important thing is that you actually implement those resources. Information is out there, but you still gotta do the work. And you can do the work. Remember all the times you already did it. You learnt to walk, to talk, to read, to count, to ride a bike... algebra, a second language?, using a computer, driving... etc... You overcame so many obstacles so far. You learned from them. You can do it. It’s over for everyone and everything that wants you to think otherwise.

(before reblogging, click here to check for the updated version of this post)

#mental health #self care #self help #Resources #depression #seth everman #memes #sleep #health #self improvement #tips #lifestyle #Nutrition #science #psychology #exceli #excelli #original #life tips #help #masterpost #studyspo #studyblr #selfimprovmentguide

[fairiesherefairiesthere]

Fraxus Anastasia au #2

Second chapter time! If you wanna read it on ao3, here u go: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23144866

Chapter under the cut!

Apparently, being too much of a stubborn bastard is enough for an orphanage to throw you out even though you still own them a lot of money. 'Yuliy', they've dubbed him, 'son of Jupiter', because his character is volatile like the thunderstorms that leave the grey walls of the orphanage shaking.

He's twenty-three and luckily enough, not the sickly little boy he used to be. Finding a job would've been difficult otherwise, but right now Yuliy feels pretty confident about his future. The past has nothing for him, so he has no other choice but to look forward.

Ignoring the yammering of the old caretaker about how he should feel lucky that they let him go even though he cost them so much as a child, he sets a step outside the gate.

The distance he's crossed is close to nothing, he still feels elated. Turning around, he yells "So long, sucker!" at the old lady and waves at the tiny children behind her. The brats can't help their situation. "You can be happy all you want right now, but just you wait until the evening! Until the cold settles in your bones and your stomach turns itself inside out of hunger. You're nothing boy, keep that in mind!"

Scoffing, he walks away, turning his back on all he's ever known. Everything is going to be fine.

Everything's not fine and Yuliy already regrets leaving the orphanage. Sure, it was a shitty place, but at least there was a fireplace to lay beside. Although the food had been sparse and not very good, it had been there. He never imagined that he'd miss the place.

Unfortunately, he's also not been able to find a job. The restaurants tell him to ask the grocery stores, the grocery stores point him towards the butchers and the butchers refer him to the nearest school, before saying that, actually, he doesn't look like an educated person and should probably stay away from there. If he survives the night, he'll try the docks. They probably could use him as some sort of human mule, if his motion sickness allows him to set foot on a boat.

For now, he wanders the streets in search of abandoned buildings, hoping that he can squat in one of them for the night. After a lot of unsuccesful trying, he decides to go find a large public building, in the hope that he can find himself a nook there where no one will look. With that in mind, he enters the first large building he finds.

It's dusty, spacey and completely empty. Exactly what he'd been looking for and still he can't help but be a little bit disgruntled. He'd just given up on finding an empty space and now he has more abandoned space than he nows what to do with. Although he'd like to explore the building, he has more pressing matters to tend to.

Navigating through the building is... surprisingly easy. It's not like him to know his way around places (it really, really isn't his forte), but he manages to find a lounge without too many troubles. Shoving some junk to the side, he finds a fireplace and he thanks his lucky stars. Looking around, he concludes that there's no firewood.

That's not really a problem though, he thinks as he grabs a nearby chair. When the now demolished chair has been chucked into the fireplace, he remembers that he has no way of lighting the damn pile of wood up. After turning the room upside down, he comes to the conclusion that there aren't any matchsticks there. Groaning in frustration, he leaves the room.

Trudging through the halls, he passes various doors and has to suppress the urge to go inside each and every one of them. Now and then, he does indulge in his desire and peeks inside, finding nothing but dust and the remnants of former glory.

When he stumbles upon a set of doors that are so grandiose and tall that he nearly doubts his own eyesight, he knows that he has to look what lays behind them. Filled with curiousity he works them open, only to be stunned into silence when the room behind them is revealed.

It's a ballroom, stately and majestic and he holds his breath for a minute, intimidated by the feeling of veneration and wistfulness that seems to hit him out of nowhere. Getting lightheaded, he sits down on a bench and closes his eyes, slowly breathing in and out. He can feel a headache coming up as shivers run up and down his spine. When he opens his eyes again, he suspects that he's also getting a fever, since what else can the scene before him be except for a fever dream?

Faintly he can hear the band playing a song and the more he tries to convince himself his ears are deceiving him, the more boisterous the music becomes. Right before his eyes, the formerly empty ballroom explodes into a a colourful affair, ladies and gentlemen dressed to the nines. In the light of the candles on the chandelier dangling high above them, he can see their jewelry and the rhinestones on their dresses shimmer and shine.

Besides the music, he can hear their small talk and it's that what haunts him most. The little words about their everyday lives that seem to happen in a reality far outside his own. The glitter, the glamour, the nauseating feeling of approaching danger, it's all too much. He leans his head back against the cold tiles and closes his eyes, but their ghostly whispers remain present.

In the distance, he can hear another group of people arriving and he decides to focus on their conversation, because the disdain in one of the voices sounds genuine, almost like the owner of said voice is actually entering the ballroom.

"They were all godawful! I can't believe we wasted a full day on those monstrosities!" Someone snorts. "You can't talk about those fine and ambitious young men like that baby, they can't help it that they're like that." Yuliy can hear the eyeroll before he sees it and he still thinks he's imagining things, until the young man speaks to him, ice lacing his voice. The otherwordly images shatter and instead he's met by a greenhaired young man.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?"

At first he intends to be polite. Then he remembers that this place belongs to no one and there's absolutely no need for a stranger to be so hostile to him. "They call me Yuliy and I'm gonna take a nap. You got any matches?"

Ignoring his question, the shorter of the two men draws closer, his lips curving into the hint of a smile lacking any sort of genuine warmth. "They call you that? Is that name not truly yours then?" Instead of answering, Yuliy purses his lips and looks away. Truthfully, he doesn't even know to answer that. Not even once he's felt like 'Yuliy', but he doesn't know what the other options are. Who else is he supposed to be? Can he even be anything else?

The short man smiles again, wider this time and there's still not a trace of genuine happiness to see there. His companion, thank the lord, has finally noticed his creepy tick and slaps the man a little too jovially on the back. "Freed, stop whatever your face is doing, it's unsightly. You look like a maniac and let's be honest, the only one of us who looks good with that kind of look is yours truly. Show the man around, why don't ya? I'm gonna pick Ever up. You know how prissy she gets when she hasn't had a hot meal in a few days." With a sloppy kiss on Freed's cheek and a "bye baby!" the eccentric man leaves.

A silence that's less than comfortable follows. "So are you two...involved?" He winces at his clumsy wording and Freed pulls a face. "Bickslow is my overly affectionate older brother."

"Oh."

How does he recover from that blunder? Luckily enough for him, he doesn't have to struggle out of this pit himself. "Well then he-who-they-call-Yuliy, follow me. I'll show you something interesting." Unable to keep the curiousity out of his voice, he asks: "What then?" For the first time since meeting him, there's a sparkle of a genuine feeling in the man's eyes, misschief setting the blues ablaze. "A chance."

The first part of the tour consists of polite smalltalk and Freed showing him some superficial treasures hidden in plain view in the abandoned castle. Although he hates the whole process of talking without saying anything, he feels that there's a reason Freed is doing this. Building up the tension. Yuliy hopes he isn't endlessly disappointed by the eventual result and in the hope to see something spectacular, he nods along and 'ahs' and 'oohs' wherever he thinks it's necessary.

"You know", Freed starts and something about his tone tips Yuliy off that it's probably in his best interest to listen carefully now. "I wasn't born as Freed Justine either. Unlike you, I have chosen this name for myself and have found my identity." He pauses then, looking him over with a reserved gaze, head tilted. "Would you like to find yours?"

The question arrives like a punch to the gut, but there's no way he'll let the man in front of him know how affected he is by it. Freed seems like the type of man to unravel his deepest wishes and dangle them before his nose before whisking them away for eternity. No way that he'll let the stranger in on one of the things his heart longs to know. "I don't need some guy I just met telling me who I am. I think I can do that on my own, thank you very much."

"Really now?" Freed sounds amused, but there's a cruel hint to it that he really dislikes. "My dear Yulik (he scoffs at the godawful nickname), right at this moment I am able to recall your entire family tree up to seven generations back. But since you already know exactly who you are, I guess there's no reason to showcase my academic capabilities. It would be quite obnoxious I think, wouldn't you agree?"

No way. He must be lying and Yuliy doesn't hesitate to tell him so. "You're a liar, a scoundrel and an opportunist. You're making shit up and I'm not here for it. I'll go back to the other room and take that nap, you're not of any use to me."

"Do as you please", the man replies, voice light and airy. Right as he's about to leave the room, he hears the other man humming. The melody is saccharinely sweet and the gentle lilts in the tune leave his heart aching. "Where'd you learn that song?" he asks, unable and unwilling to stop himself. Freed halts his humming and shrugs, clasping his hands behind his back.

"The true question is, where did you learn it? As far as I know there's only five people, excluding myself, who know it. The first being the long dead Tsarina Tatiana, the second one being the current tsar Makarov. The third and fourth are Bickslow and Evergreen, two members of the court that were very intimately related to the final person, the central piece that connects all these dots."

Grinning he takes Yuliy by the arm and drags him towards a grand family portrait and points out a blond kid. "Prince Laxus Dreyar, who has been missing for 10 years. I know where each of the forementioned people currently are, except for the much beloved prince." From underneath his long eyelashes he gives Yuliy a look that he's sure is meant to be meaningful. He utterly rejects it.

"A lullaby? That's what you're basing your grand conclusion on? Some great detective you are", he scoffs and considers giving the man a whack. It certainly couldn't make his mental state any worse than it currently was, considering Freed seriously thought that Yuliy, clumsy, oafish Yuliy, was the missing crown prince.

"I never told you it was a lullaby."

"It was a logical assumption, you piece of shit." Sensing that Yuliy is believing none of it, he shakes his head and sighs. "When did you become an orphan?" Defensively, he crosses his arms in front of his chest. "Maybe I didn't and you're just grasping at straws."

"It was a logical assumption, dear Yulik. Also, you let a lot more slip during our smalltalk than you probably realised." The man raises a brow and starts counting on his fingers. " One. You lost your memory ten years ago, around the time of Ivan's failed coup. Trauma can make you suppress memories as can a strategically placed whack against the head."

Yuliy rolls his eyes, but Freed continues impertubable. "Secondly, the whole lullaby debacle. Thirdly..." Freed looks him directly in the eyes and there's something so striking about the full force of his gaze, that Yuliy barely dares to breathe. "You know, don't you? In your heart you realise that there's a chance I'm not wrong. Even though your mind denies it out of some learned humility, your body takes to it without you even noticing."

Before he can ask what the man means, Freed drapes a heavy cape he's found somewhere over Yuliy's shoulders and presses a scepter into his hand. "Look", he whispers and turns him towards a mirror. "Look at your posture, do you truly believe you're merely a peasant?"

"Future tsar", he continues and the title sends shivers down his spine. "You came here, dirt poor and yet you have not put a single treasure into these pockets of yours." To accentuate his words, the man lets his hands glide over each and every pocket on Yuliy's clothes, an action that makes his blood run hot. "The riches here mean nothing you. You're meant for things better than this, aren't you prince Laxus? Cast away the skin of a peasant you've decided to wear and reunite with your grieving grandfather."

The blue of his eyes is absolutely mesmerising and he can't for the love of him look away. "Laxus", he says and he jolts, truly feeling addressed by the name. "Let's get you home." He doesn't know how or why, but he's got the feeling that Freed could tell him anything and he'd believe it.

#fraxus #Freed Justine #Laxus Dreyar #freedxlaxus #Bickslow #anastasia au #TheFairyWrites

[gotatext]

claws my way out of the dirt like the goblin i am ..... hello thots, its nora, once again bringing you a revamped version of a muse i played yonks ago n some of u may have even written against... here is her pinterest.....

this is margaret greta, she’s a whole can of trauma spaghetti plastered over with a toothy grin and a lot of dad jokes. the only reason she’s in gifford really is bcos shes been put there as part of a witness protection program cos lots of police r monitoring livingstone so its deemed relatively safe.... haha... anyway she changes major all the time. she started off doing fine art but since then she’s done modules in architecture, film, bio-chemistry and is now dabbling in medicine. 

CIS-FEMALE — ever hear people say GRETA O’DRISCOLL looks a lot like DIANA SILVERS? I think SHE is about 21, so it doesn’t really work. The MEDICINE major is a SOPHOMORE that is from DEADWOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA. They can be +CHARMING, but they can also be -EVASIVE. I think GEE might be SHEEP. They are living in YATES. ( nora. 23. gmt. she/her )

this bitch is the most restless creature u ever seen. before she came to livingstone, she’d lived in 8 different cities in 3 years. 

was adopted as an infant. had two foster moms and two older sisters so always surrounded by women. lived in a boarding house, very much like the one in 20th century women, with lodgers coming in and out all the time, mostly artsy young women because her gay moms were both high school teachers trying to set up their own arts collective. one of her moms left when she was 4, n she doesn’t really remember her.

while living with entirely women made her super into catlin moran and the guilty feminist, as a teenager she often let boys walk all over her bc she just craved male attention jst bcos she’d never really experienced it. saw it as something aspirational, like sitting in the back of chad’s second-hand truck while he drove you to macdonalds and offered you and his five friends with identical haircuts weed was the height of being cool to greta, she wanted to be their dream girl, even if it meant compromising her beliefs

bubbly bitch but also massive snake. metaphorically and literally, always shedding her skin. loyal to few, ruled by none, out for herself, babey!! every place she goes, she becomes a new character, someone who’s a figment of her imagination, as if each city is repertory theatre and she’s a character actress, so as a result som ppl think she’s called rita, some ppl know her as margot, she just flicks through identities like nobodies business.

goes through phases of being intensely feminist and tweeting “men are trash i don’t need them” before flipping into being lonely and needy n wanting male attention again. tends to gravitate towards men who are just pieces of shit tbh like her friends are always like hun.... pick a nice boy..... but no.... she’ll go for the boxer with several arrest records for gbh or the small-town drug dealer just trying to hook her onto pills for a little extra cash, or the reformed sinner who thinks he’s being protective by reading all her texts and always knowing where she is..... n she always finds a way to spin it so that they Just Care About Her and aren’t a p.o.s 

left school at 18 n didn’t go to uni, moved in w her boyfriend of the time instead, but soon got bored, n then went backpacking around the states making money in the casinos by being a shot girl (yeehaw) and trying to make it as a mysterious 1920s widow with a smoky voice, a dark secret n a heart of gold, looking for love in the big city. all she found was producers and acting agents who’d promise her stardom n actually just fuck her in a motel n then ignore her calls.

TW domestic violence, TW gun, her watershed moment came when she met luke in sioux falls while she was playing bass for a country n blues band. he was a few years older and had a car, and they kind of went from seeing each other to being that super intense couple who are just necking all the time. 

they got engaged like 3 months after they met n rented a flat together, much to her family’s annoyance but she was 19 so there wasn’t much they could do. their relationship was super super intense though, often really heightened and when they fought it could become quite violent, but she’d pass it off as just him being really passionate. 

one of their fights got really heated and greta threatened him with the gun he kept in the glove box of his vauxhall corsa, but the safety was off and she accidentally shot him. she pleaded self defence in the trial n cos of the amount of times she’d been hospitalised for various concussions n things like ‘fallling down the stairs’ the police were like yea... pretty watertight evidence that he was a bastard who [chicago voice] had it coming..... also this happened in 2017, he was mixed race and greta is white so naturally the police totally took her side. she’s now under witness protection, rehoused in livingstone as a sports-scholarship student, due to the amount of police involvement in the area, it would mean should one of luke’s family members try to track her down, she’d be relatively safe

 massive sports fanatic. plays tennis. on the cheer team. was a track superstar in her high school. honestly just that sporty bitch, you’ll see her doing lines at a party at half four and then on your way to your 9am lecture you see her running across the park like a fresh fucking daisy who is this bitch

pretty easy to get along with (provided you don’t anger, provoke or question her too much) because she WANTS your character to be enthralled by her and will do whatever it takes to win them over. she wants everyone to love her

is That Girl who always knows where the parties are, and is always there, on the sofa, talking about institutionalised racism and trying to coerce you into a game of beer pong that she’ll definitely win. doesn’t really have one solid group of friends, just kind of on good terms with everyone and social butterflies about

has changed her major so many times. decision? who is she. currently studying medicine, but doesn’t rlly enjoy it. she’s very unmotivated and lazy and probably wouldn’t ahve bothered going to uni if she hadn’t been placed in one by a witness protection program. will probably change on to history or gender studies soon n just make up the extra credits by volunteering

 massive feminist. low key quite scared of powerful men bcos of her ex. wants to start a female only lesbian commune bc she misses her childhood in a south dakota boarding house and has endless support for women. honestly annoyed that she is attracted to men, would so be 100% gay if it was a choice. cuffs her jeans and can’t drive. is That bisexual. skateboards. wears backwards caps.  i hate her

plays bass guitar, has a teal green fender and it is her BABY. it’s covered in stickers about saving the planet and ending fracking and going vegan. she’s in an all-female punk band w agnes (n mayb jade i think) n they play gigs every now n then in grotty club basements full of druggy sweaty college kids

PERSONALITY: easy-going, sociable, observant, blunt, amiable, nihilistic, self-serving, laid back, independent, unmotivated, charming, lazy, impulsive, alluring. ESTP and a leo

LIKES: art, music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy,  cowboy chic culture, DC comics, arcade games, candyfloss, deep red lipstick, marijuana, dogs, karaoke, Kate Moss, late-night strolls, zip-lining, chemistry, suspenders, cigarettes, herbal tea, gallows humour, cold coffee, long showers, brown eyes, tchaikovsky, dr. seuss, boiler house DJ sets, magnolias, decorative lamps, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

DISLIKES: bananas, coffee, Woody Allen, mental mathematics, children, Trump, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, Wes Anderson films, spoken word poetry, the general mentality of cheerleading squads (despite being on one)

aesthetics:

a bubble of pink gum on chapped lips, mom jeans, a beaten up pair of adidas, denim jackets, strawberry laces, knee-highs, chapped lips, peeling sticky plasters, split knuckles, bruises you try to cover with concealer, stick and poke tattoos, hot coffee, sleep caught in your eyes on a lazy afternoon, kissing girls, cigarette smoke shrouding you like a veil, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, the red string of a thong peaking out purposely from jeans, leonine arch of your back and that stellar smile that says ‘you have no idea who you’re dealing with’, a rucksack permanently packed for the move, a streak of red across your lips, roller blades, cut knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your mom wouldn’t take you, kate moss posters lining the walls of a teenage bedroom, his name scrawled in rage across the pages of a diary, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes. 

wanted plots: since greta literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships, and girls from the cheer team who she’s like, weirdly intimate with like the shower together but its not a Thing cos the other girls straight, and I want like, fellow medicine students who are like?? how is this bitch still passing?? i swear she goes out every night?? she works part time at a fast food restaurant, i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry. ppl she did a few modules with before changing course and somehow sort of remaining in touch with, like she did a few art modules, a bit of film, n some architecture before switching to medicine, though she’ll probs switch course again soon. ppl who she runs track with. someone she’s trying to make a zine with. here’s a list of plots on her old blog if u want any of them w her.

would love plots of any type, throw them all at me please, i cnt wait to interact w all of u. like this if u want me to message you about connections / plots! xo

full biography if u can be bothered

trigger warnings: drugs, domestic abuse, gun.

you never meant for it to happen. you’d heard the stories, of girls who let their man walk all over them, and thought to yourself “i’ll never be one of those girls…” the kind that eat low-fat yoghurt and drink slim fast to shred a few extra pounds because he said she was getting round in the tummy, or the ones who spent their evenings tied to a kitchen sink drinking wine while him and the boys played poker, wishing god, if only I could get out of here. not you, not you raised by strong women, four bright shining beacons. single mother with her hard-as-nails attitude and her stony glares, elder sisters (twins) one ginger, one blonde, one doctor, one lawyer, both determined to take a bullet to the brain and a hammer to the patriarchy before they let a man touch them without asking. you were always so inferior, so insecure and small, like a bird (like a sparrow) with blonde plaits down your back sucking tropicana whilst your busom buds sucked dick, their lips permanently ripe with stories of their sexual exploits, fake tan and glittered nails whilst you sat in the unbroken egg of virginity wondering what it was like to be loved. one day you found out.

lily milligan’s parents gone and a free house for the night, bottles of ouzo and tequila swiped from your mother’s liquor cabinet thinking she wouldn’t know (she always knew) your legs, hardened from pep squad, slut dropping on a kitchen table because the boys thought it would be fun to get the quiet girl drunk. you’d never had a sip before that night. band t-shirts, denim shorts and the split soles of rotten converse that you refuse to let go of, you still clutched with both hands to your youth, but in a tube top now (borrowed from alice carmichael who had a sister in college) and a short tennis skirt, your feet not in trainers but in thigh-high boots. uncomfy as hell but lily said you needed to look sexy. you didn’t know if you wanted to be sexy. you didn’t know what kind of girl you were, if you were even a girl at all. but robbie looked at you like he knew exactly who you were, like he knew you better than you knew yourself, and his lips had the pink cupid’s bow of a movie star, and his hair was dark locks, curling like a mane. his hands were soft, and suddenly on your waist, and after three more shots his lips were on yours and his name was the only sound in your head and on your lips as you lost it in lily’s college sister’s bedroom beneath the glare of a T-Pain poster. you bled for what seemed like hours, his hand still in yours, kissing on the sofa as truth tellers and dare devils continued to spin a bottle of unprecedented youth. you thought it was love. robbie was the one. he loved you, you knew it, how else could someone be so soft? but soon he grew bored, scrunched up your paper heart and set it alight. then came the tears, the hatred, the ‘fuck robbie, in fact, fuck all boys.’ and that you did.

you were known for being easy. any boy could be yours for a night, as long as he promised to love you for those few short breaths and pants before you cried yourself to sleep. you felt poisoned, but poisonous as well, as if by ensnaring these young boys you were gaining power over them, and not the other way around. soon it started to work. they’d want more, but you’d deny them it, sick of sucking off silly schoolboys, they’d call you a tease, a vixen. maybe you were, but you couldn’t help but want older men. you got the history teacher first time, him bending you over his desk to sneak a hand up your tennis skirt as the after-school clubs carried on next door, unawares. love didn’t exist, not for you. it was nothing but a game for pretty young girls to play, bubble gum in their canines and a hand tugging at the hem of their cheer skirt.

there was so much anger inside of your small body, ‘beware of boys and their hook-like words’. hockey helped. there was something formidable about the feeling of a stick like a weapon in your hands and the thwack it made against thighs in the heat of a scrum - “slipped, sorry!” - you’d utter with a snakeskin smile, millicent quinn knowing that you’d hit her on purpose because she shagged robbie at that party last week. she couldn’t prove it, cobbled acne on her forehead turning green with disgust. ben came into your life like a car crash. two years your senior, with a baseball jacket and shoulders like a god. he became your personal hero. on the pitch, he was lethal. together, you could bring anyone to their ruin. each day after last period he’d be waiting in his car. you’d leap into his arms like a girl-half starved, love me, love me, love me, your heated kisses the envy of every junior girl. he was yours for three blissful years, utterly yours, and you were his, his star-spangled girl, and he was your knight - you were both the same, playing games, always difficult to predict. it was a shock to all when he proposed, high-school sweethearts find love in south dakota.

the engagement was a bittersweet affair; three months – you barely out of your gingham print skirts and into a graduation gown, him, a surly quarterback towering above your sisters, cigarette at his lips and a scowl like a fart in a lift. they hated him. so did you. but you were eighteen and in love, and he fitted the cookie cutter mould. everyone wanted him, and you had him. you had him and you were happy, happy, happy, and he loved you. he said he’d give you the world, anything you wanted hand-picked and given to you. instead, he gave you a jack russell terrier and a flat you couldn’t swing a cat in, wallpaper peeling like the rotten bits inside of you, the bits that only he knew. and you got tireder and tireder of the sad excuse of a life he’d picked out for you, him out doing god knows what to pay the bills, and you dancing on tables to pave your way to stardom, and this was love, this was real, until the shine wore off and your fresh-faced, dimple-cheeked cheerleader facade faded and the ugliness started to reveal itself, the whining, the petulance, the sharp-tempered cruelty, the mind games, the need to always win, win, win. he was dull, he was boring, he was nothing like the boy the girls had said he was and no chiselled six pack could hide his lack of anything remotely interesting, your patience wearing thin until it snapped like rubber, a rucksack on your back, running shoes on your feet and the joint bank account emptied into your eighth grade birthday wallet.

you built your small fortunes working the casinos of sioux falls, a crimson dress and an attitude to match. bookish archie with his little dipper freckles was fun for a month, before he became just as dull and dreary as the rest. a three hour bus and you were in minneapolis, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fresh meat ready for the pickings. a hostel here, a friendly co-worker’s sofa there as you made what you could by taking off your clothes and shaking your ass like you were back in pep squad, doing what you did best. you met your fair share of creeps, and soon it was back on the road to escape a wide-eyed stalker and a restless itch for more. milwaukee, chicago, you made the roads your own. log cabins and lodgings, and the occasional motel, a beaten up pick up truck purchased at a scrap merchants – you got a few miles out of it before it bit the dust, and when you finally set it alight after nights spent lounging across the driver’s seat, a parka tucked over you as a duvet, you were sad to see it go. you’re nomadic by fault, never attaching to place, people or things, creating a new personality in every place you go like a character actress; each town is a different repertory theatre, and you’re the star. a compulsive liar, you even fib about your own name, to some you’re ellen, nineteen, bookish, a law student who likes smoking and cosmos. to someone else you’re rita, you’re twenty five and look young for your age, like smoking, comics and fucking in public places.

in the bright lights of michigan, you found charlie, sweet charlie, too good for you, though you let him spoil you while he thought you were the small town girl of his dreams. next came abigail, who was fun until the jealously kicked in, and then luke, gorgeous luke, dangerous, exciting, who despite his temper, despite the fights, despite bruises down your spine and your teeth marks on his arms, loved you with the strength of a wild fire. there was destruction in your wishbones, a savageness from the field, from the pitch and now somehow in his arms, you were godly. he was cruel, he was careless, and he refused to fall at your feet like so many other boys had, which only you made you want him all the more. you were rage incarnate. you hated him so fiercely you thought you might kill him, so he played the only card you wouldn’t predict; proposed.

the house you shared was a backstreet flat in detroit, you making your name as a downtown singer while he footed the bill with pills. they had a drug for anything these days, to dull the senses, to pick them up, to drive you to insanity or pull you out of the madness hole. the two of you lived like criminals on the run (you never told him that you were, living out your days as the enigma he wanted you to be), you with your voice like caramel and fishnet legs. you were his and his alone until his hand was at your throat and the gun was in your hands screaming at him to stop, stop, stop, until a bullet stoppered his brain, crimson staining linoleum as you cast yourself out like lucifer. self defence was decreed the moment they saw your violet neck, black tears and headlight eyes and mind screaming red, red, red like the pom-poms you shook so willingly in school and the insides of his skull. you were gone, and “you” was born, renamed “greta”, boxed, shipped-out, and next-day delivered to livingstone where under witness protection you were a student, blank slate, fresh-faced in a place where no one knew your name, doing what you always did and starting again.

#livingintro #this is such a long boi....... waht the fuck.... u dont need to read the bio the summary notes are long enough fuking hell

[ianbrunner]

Stephen King’s: The Stand as an Allegory for Ignorance and Resistance to Change

“No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don't.” ― Stephen King, The Stand 

Recently, I finished reading Stephen King’s uncut edition of The Stand in which a strain of influenza which has been weaponized by the US government is accidentally released into the general populace which results in ninety-nine percent of humanity being wiped out in just a few weeks. While reading this text, as an admitted Stephen King junkie I found myself talking with a friend who comes from a medical family about the super flu as it is called in the book about its symptoms. The super flu begins like the common cold causing weariness, nasal congestion, and sneezing, but quickly develops into fever, headaches, crippling physical pain, swelling, and delirium. Someone who catches the super flu is dead, no questions asked, except, how long will take them to die. Somewhere along the lines during this conversation my friend mentioned how the super flu reminded him of the spread of ignorance in society. It’s easily passed along, people get stuck in their ways, and if they don’t commit to being someone who wants to continually learn they usually end up being passive to progressive issues, or at worst, someone who is actively detrimental to positive change in society (we’re generally pessimistic people okay? Give us a break).

As I continued to read The Stand, I found myself ruminating on this idea and eventually, while working in the campus writing center stumbled upon the term Web 2.0. A student in the science program brought an assignment in for help in which they had been asked to write a literature review. Because this review was not attached to a larger project we spent most of the session breaking down a topic she was interested in into something she could research. Eventually, we settled on the rise of Anti-Vax movement (if you rolled your eyes or groaned in disgust kudos to you). However, when breaking down the research she could use we stumbled on an article titled : Understanding Web 2.0 (Murugesan, 2007), which defines Web 2.0 as being “...people-centric...” and “...participative…” (p. 34). In short, it is the move away from a internet that is solely cultivated by developers and into a space where people like you and me (yes you!) can create and post blogs, videos, art, wikis, and more. This allows us to find communities and create spaces where we can come together with people like us who have similar interests to discuss those passions. Sounds pretty cool right? For the most part it is. However, it also allows for the growth and spread of misinformation from people who are determined to believe things that are not true, or who refuse to revise their beliefs based on information presented to them.

A newish and current obsession of mine is Dylan Marron’s Podcast: Conversations with People Who Hate Me, in which Marron brings two people who have shared or participated in some kind of internet hate between the two of them together to have a civil talk. Now I bring this up, partially because you should listen to it (Click this link! http://www.dylanmarron.com/podcast), but also because in one episode (I can’t remember which... there’s a lot of episodes and I listen to a lot of podcasts, don’t judge me!) a speaker talks about their parent being involved in some kind of research that found if you confront someone about their beliefs or in general shitty opinions they’re more likely to double down on them and find the research that supports their point instead of learning and revising their beliefs. I do this, you probably do this, most of probably have, and it’s a bad habit to have. When discussing this in the context of Anti-Vaxers, it’s easy to see how Web 2.0 contributed to the ability for people to do this. Now that people can post anything on the good ole’ internet one not only has to be a decent researcher but they also have to be able to suss out scholarly sources from the average Joe or Sally sitting in their living room writing whatever happens to come into their head. Not that their opinions are necessarily wrong, but let’s be honest, how many people are out there doing extensive research before spouting their opinions? It’s so easy to find data that substantiates your view point whether its valid or not. This led me to wonder why people resist change and while I don’t think there will ever be a definitive answer (people are weird bro and need to assessed on a case by case basis) I did find an article titled: Do you know why people resist change? (Do you know, 2019). This article is published in Corn & Soybean Digest (you’re as surprised as me that my brain led to be reading this). As someone who is not particularly interested in farming, what I pulled from this article was a list of three things regarding why the author (who wasn’t listed) believes people resist change. First being: "I don't understand it" (p. 1) which is described as “... intellectual response…”(p. 1) in which people lack “...information, training, and often exposure to big picture (p. 1). Second: “I don’t like it” (p. 1) which is “...emotional response…” (p. 1) rooted in “...fear and loss” (p. 1). Finally, the third being: “I don’t like you” (p. 1) which seems to be rooted in distrust of leadership. All of these can be overcome, however, personal dislike seems like it would be much more difficult to overcome than simple misunderstandings about change. When one considers religion, politics, and all other manner of personal bias it is easy to see why people get stuck in their ways.

Now, being someone who is like thirteen days away from getting their Masters in Education (woo!) I often find myself disillusioned with what goes on in classrooms. Teachers, administrators, and parents usually (hopefully) have the best interests of their children and students at heart but what I often see is an assembly line form of education in which students learn stuff but not why it’s important. They learn skills that are applicable to life but perhaps do not cultivate a desire to learn, to change, to continue to grow through whatever they experience and perhaps this where education fails us most of all. Instead of teaching students to pass a test we should be instilling in them the idea that the skills they are being taught can be applied to any situation and these skills will allow them to be successful as long as they keep on looking at things as a chance to grow.  

Citations

Dylan Marron. (2019). Conversations with people who hate me. Retrieved April 16th,

2019, from http://www.dylanmarron.com/podcast

Do you know why people resist change? (2019, February 13). Corn & Soybean Digest. Retrieved from http://link.galegroup.com.gate.lib.buffalo.edu/apps/doc/A573955236/ITBC?u=sunybuff_main&sid=ITBC&xid=4b9fb587

King, S. (1990). The stand: Complete and uncut edition. New York, NY: Anchor Books.  

Murugesan, S. (2007). Understanding web 2.0. IT Professional, 9(4), 34-41. doi:10.1109/MITP.2007.7

#Am reading #Stephen King #the stand #criticism #ignorance #thoughts #web 2.0

[frankensteined]

35-40 for Gambon, Jules, Frasier, and Newt!!

i’m putting these answers under a cut because this nonsense got SUPER long:

35. How does your character behave around people they like?

GAMBON: given how short this list of people is, it’s easy to figure out but kind of hard to explain all at the same time? he’s still not outwardly social or chatty, but if he likes you he is way more likely to initiate more silent interactions with you. as in: he’ll catch your eye across a room where someone is being annoying, and he’ll send you a look, trusting that you’ll feel the same way as him. he’ll offer up dry commentary on things if you’re standing nearby, rather than ignore you entirely. he’ll just kinda do favours for you without making a fuss about it (like when he goes into his landlord’s apartment to turn off any lights that were left on once said landlord has fallen asleep in his recliner). he might make a joke??? or at least a sarcastic remark??? like there’s not really a lot that would outwardly tell you that gambon likes you, unless you compare it to how he treats everyone else, but, even so, most of the lucky(?) few that he does like don’t even know that he likes them.  

JULES: jules is really fond of the “affectionate teasing” school of making friends, so if she likes you, expect a lot of that. she loves banter, and people teasing her back so that she can return fire and, generally speaking, she enjoys a playful dialogue that might sometimes border on snarky. she’s also really keen on giving people nicknames, and the more she likes someone, the more personal the nickname will obviously be, so you can kinda tell how much she likes someone by how generic her nickname for them is or isn’t. and she’s very affectionate towards people that she really likes, so the more she likes someone the more often she’ll give them hugs and such. it’s worth noting that she spends a lot of time paying attention to how other people are acting, though, so if she realizes that her typical Make Friend Happy tactics won’t be appreciated, she’ll adapt, however awkwardly. like, she’ll go in for a hug, remember that they don’t like hugs, and then arm flail for a second to play it off as a stretch, and then just pat their arm or something. she’s naturally tactile, but she’ll override that if it’ll help along her relationship with someone else.  

FRASER: he’s just a way nicer guy if he likes you! fraser tends to come across as a pretty self-absorbed Dude at first (and he is! he’s very self-absorbed because he’s quietly very self-conscious!), so it’s hard for him to sometimes break out of that, but, since it is the result of being self-conscious, the second he’s given the opportunity to be genuine with another person the nicer he’ll become, and fast. he’s basically a sponge for approval and kindness, so if you let him absorb it he’ll soak it all up and deliver it back when prodded. he’s very respectful right off the hop with people, generally using the “sir/ma’am”, “mr.lastname/ms. lastname” ways of not only speaking to them, but also about them to other people, so him dropping that and actually addressing someone by their first name is a good first indicator that he likes that person. it means he feels comfortable with them. he also volunteers his time/help a lot when he likes someone, cuz he feels like he needs to prove himself constantly, even to friends. he kind of starts out tightly wound, in that must-prove-himself mindset, but then the more he likes someone and the more comfortable he gets with them, the more he mellows out and ends up being a pretty laid-back buddy (but always ready to snap to action for his friends)and, of course, there’s the fact that he tends to become smitten with girls that are nice to him, and he wears that pretty plainly on his sleeve, so when he likes someone he’s...really obvious about it.

NEWT: if newt likes you know it. he’s a friendly, welcoming guy to begin with, but once he likes someone then he amps it up significantly and broadcasts it loudly. he’s big on compliments, bigger on playful teasing (so that’s what him and jules engage in 85% of the time), biggest on taking a very personal interest in the events of their lives. so he will remember everything someone tells him, and use that as a way of wiggling into their good graces. (like if someone goes “i ruined my favourite pair of shoes :(” he’ll track down a new pair online and shoot them the link within an hour or so. and if they don’t buy them and then the shoes just happen to show up at their doorstep one day...well...miracles happen every day! he has no idea how that happened!!) it sometimes borders on kiss-assery, but it’s born from a need to be liked, rather than an interest in advancement (so if he does it for someone at work it’s “LIKE ME!” rather than “PROMOTE ME!”)he likes to be part of people’s lives, but he also likes to have them be part of his life, so he invites people to things they couldn’t possibly care about just because he’s excited about it, or he hands them complete box sets of his favourite shows with the expectation that they’ll also watch them and love them, or he’ll take people to his workplace to show them what cool things he’s working on, OR, he’ll develop programs and tech specifically for that person...he just wants to take care of people in the ways he knows how!it is worth noting, though, that for all his good intentions, newt can be a bit Much when it comes to his interactions with people he likes! i mentioned up in jules’ answer how she’ll hold back from her typical displays of affection if she can tell that the other person isn’t into that because newt ...does not, by comparison. it’s never intentionally overbearing, but he is also very into hugs and shoulder pats and all that, and he gets pretty excited and just goes for it (narrowly refraining from hugging his bosses sometimes, tbh). like he feels really bad if he makes someone uncomfortable, obviously, and makes an effort once he knows boundaries, but he’s not as good at reading people right off the bat....also he takes an annoying interest in his friends’ love lives, so the more he likes someone, the more he’s like “EYES EMOJI” at the possibility of them getting involved with someone else.

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?

GAMBON: ...hahaha. okay, WELL. he’s the worst. he’s condescending and dismissive at best towards people he doesn’t like. if you’re talking and he doesn’t like you, and you happen to glance over at him, it’ll be written all over his face in the form of the iciest stare he can muster. if he bothers to say anything to you, his tone is wilting, like you’re literally wasting the air between the two of you. and he’s cruel right at the end, just to deliver a verbal fatal blow, before he walks away. it’s not a nice encounter. he actually doesn’t start or take part in actual fights or arguments because he doesn’t think it’s worth interacting with people he doesn’t like any more than he has to (which is probably a healthy response, except it’s tangled up in his ‘thinking so little of the other person’ mindset that it’s still pretty bleh)HOWEVER...........he doesn’t like to get outmatched. it smarts. it bothers him just enough for him to actually go out of his way to best the other person in whatever way he feels will be sufficient. so, he’s very rude and scathing and then ultimately dismissive to people he doesn’t like....but if he really, really feels slighted by you then he becomes a Nemesis. but that doesn’t happen often, cuz it’s very rare for someone to strike a nerve in him that badly. but it can happen!

JULES: oh, she’s an absolute asshole to the people she doesn’t like. jules is always a little bit ready to fight with people she doesn’t get along with, and, provided that there isn’t a massive power imbalance between her and whoever she’s dealing with, it’s not uncommon for her to kind of goad people into responding aggressively, just so that she’ll have an excuse to push back. if it’s someone that has a lot of power over her, she’ll have to grit her teeth and swallow that, of course, but that just makes her a little bit more punchy (there’s that word u like again!) towards the next person that she ends up squaring off against. she enjoys getting to fight with people she doesn’t like (verbally or physically); it lets off steam, and she is super-shitty-bad at walking away from challenges, so if someone pushes her back. well.

FRASER: he’s a fighter, so...he wants to fight. he knows he can’t always do that, but when he’s around someone he doesn’t like he also can’t help his jaw getting tight and his shoulders straightening out and his hands kinda almost wanting to curl into fists. so, fraser gets quiet, especially if he’s in a room with someone that he knows he can’t fight, and he’ll wait til he can go be alone somewhere to vent his frustrations. but since he’s such a heart-on-his-sleeve kind of Dude, you’ll know if he doesn’t like you just because he’s so obviously wearing that dislike on his face.but if he’s in a situation where he’s absolutely able to start or take part in a fight? he’ll talk all the shit he wants and instigate and throw punches til it’s settled. he doesn’t bottle stuff up often, though, so if he can’t do that then he’ll hit a punching bag instead. he’s a dick to people he doesn’t like, but it’s less venomous and more “let’s just settle this right now” to get it out of his system.

NEWT: newt is massively passive aggressive and vindictive towards people he dislikes! he’s not always a friendly sweetheart! he is actually more than willing to be petty and go out of his way to make life more difficult for people that he’s not fond of, and he takes a certain amount of pride from knowing that he had a hand in someone else’s misfortune (as long as they deserved it). he isn’t directly confrontational, though. he prefers to pull the long con of waiting and then unleashing hell on them when he gets the chance a ways down the road.

37. Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

GAMBON: gambon’s “status” would be his reputation as a hit man, i guess, and he’s infinitely more invested in protecting that than giving a shit about what people are saying about him. like...he honestly could not care at all if people wanna slander him. but, like i said earlier, if he’s bested in any way then he takes it upon himself to get revenge on that person, so i think that HE thinks he’s more concerned with his status......but really, he’d want to defend his honor.

JULES: jules has kind of built up her identity around the services that she provides her employers, and has a hard time kind of figuring out who she is outside of that, so she’s definitely more concerned with her status than her honor. if she didn’t have the position that she does, she wouldn’t know what to do with herself. she’s also inherently reckless when she’s unwinding, so her “honor” is pretty questionable to begin with. the big exception to this is her reputation in the eyes of her parents and their social circles, because she works really hard to keep them from knowing anything about all the other stuff she does, so it’s important to her that they all think that she’s just a nanny. so if someone was gonna challenge that and upset her parents, she’d defend it.

FRASER: fraser is all about honor. acting with it, protecting it, defending it in other people,...he’s just far, far more invested in that than any status he could acquire for himself. for as desperately as he wants to be approved of and recognized, if he doesn’t feel that it’s an authentic reward for himself, he won’t want it. he isn’t interested in things he hasn’t earned, or things that aren’t real to him.

NEWT: newt’s all status! he’s part of an r&t branch of a biotech company, and he will protect that part of his life, uh, with his life! the only way that he’ll leave it is if he’s moving up!! which is kind of where newt’s character gets to be a little bit of fun, because he really is this wonderful person who cares about his friends and loves discovering and all that...but when he’s this tied to his work, that he’s willing to maybe put honor on the backburner...what does that do to him? how far is he willing to stretch his own morals for the sake of everything he’s accomplishing? HMMM...

38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

GAMBON: gambon’s entire career is built around removing threats (for the right price). ironically, though, if it’s a problem/threat to himself, he’ll remove himself from it instead.....and then circle back around to remove it instead lol.

JULES: to quote myself in an earlier answer: “she is super-shitty-bad at walking away from challenge” SO. she removes problems and threats herself. that’s also part of her job, but unlike gambon, even if she’s in over her head she will fight it out rather than remove herself from the issue. 

FRASER: ditto, with a big side order of it wouldn’t even occur to him to remove himself from the problem. he’ll go down swinging. 

NEWT: he’ll remove himself immediately. he’s not the guy who wants to be in the middle of a big hoopla. he’s the smart guy who is dealing with things from behind the safety of a keyboard and monitor, or behind a lot of safety glass.

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

GAMBON: fletcher has a few birds in his office, because fletcher is annoying like that, and i absolutely, wholeheartedly believe that at least one of those birds has nipped gambon on more that one occasion. and gambon hates those birds, and feels even more justified in being a definitive Cat Person.

JULES: i haven’t thought about this til now, but she’s probably been bitten by a guard dog at some place at some time. it just kinda seems inevitable. so, yeah, she’s gotten bitten on the leg by a german shepherd or rottweiler or something while trying to get away from it! but she doesn’t blame the dog, she blames herself for being sloppy in her work. the lesson she learned from it was “don’t be a dumbass”, rather than ending up with any fear of the dogs, which is good! if anything, she’s got a healthier respect for them now.

FRASER: he’s been stung by bees a lot because he’s like “don’t worry, i’ll get the bee!” whenever one gets inside places, but he never learns, so...he was unaffected, in the long run. good thing he isn’t allergic. but no actual animal bites!

NEWT: as a kid, he liked to pick up and look at everything, so i think that newt has been bitten by hamsters and cats and probably a snake, and maybe a rabbit, and everything you can think of except for a dog. but newt zaps himself with his inventions and things so often that it’s pretty obvious that he just lets it roll off his back now. he’s also like “it was my fault, they’re just doing what they do” like jules is.

40. How does your character treat people in service jobs?

surprise! none of them are garbage people who treat folks in the service industry poorly! not even gambon! we can add that one to his list of “not the worst you could be” traits, which brings that list up to......like, five things.  

GAMBON: the best you could hope for here would be for him to just be decent, and that’s exactly what you get here. he’s polite, but not social. doesn’t make small talk, but doesn’t completely blow off attempts at it, either. he can recognize that they’re just doing their jobs, and are likely trying to get a tip by going that extra mile, so even if he doesn’t like it...he’ll stomach it. somewhat. like he’ll give very bland answers and very tight smiles, hoping that they’ll leave him alone (and since he never gives off an inviting appearance, that happens more often than not), and if it’s in a place where you leave tips, he leaves tips. says “thank you”. gets outta there. not warm, but not an asshole iceman either. he really tries not to do anything that might make him a memorable customer anywhere, because in general he just prefers to blend into the background.

JULES: jules frequents coffee shops and 24 hour diners that serve all-day breakfast, so she’s very familiar with being an absolute sweetheart to the people working in those places. she’s being given precious, precious coffee and pancakes, why wouldn’t she be super nice to them?! for the places that she goes to most often, she probably knows the staff by name, and remembers stuff about their families and makes overly-familiar chit-chat with them. and, on days where she’s just dragging herself in there after she’s been beaten half to hell and doesn’t wanna talk, they know her orders well enough to just bring her things and she doesn’t need to chit-chat. she likes being chummy with people that perform services like that, and will absolutely step in to defend them if she sees someone being a dick to them.

FRASER: take that “sir/ma’am” politeness and crank it up to eleven, because he was raised to be respectful of people doing him a service, plain and simple. he’s charming in a “i came here for the food, but i’m staying for the company :)” way, but doesn’t go out of his way to force conversations with people, either. he’s A Good Boy to people that are working, and, like jules, he’ll step in if he sees other patrons being disrespectful. and sometimes that causes bar fights, but y’know. that’s not his fault, the other guy shouldn’t have been rude to the bartender.

NEWT: newt is the nicest, chattiest, worst customer in the world!! he loves to make small talk! he loves to ask how the other person is doing, and to relate something personal of his own to whatever they tell him, to keep the conversation going! he’s That Guy who holds up the line with stories, and he’s also That Guy who takes ten years or order anything because he always wants to try something new. he wants to tweak menu options, or he wants to try the same shirt on in five different colours, or he’ll ask five hundred questions about the item he’s going to buy. he wants to hang out while repair people are doing the repairs so that he’ll understand the repairs so he can just repair everything himself in the future he can keep them company!but he’s so genuine, and sweet, and really does like to zero-in on subjects that the service people clearly enjoy talking about, that it’s hard for them to hate him for it. he tips well, always, and is always full of smiles. so he’s that customer that people are like “he’s so nice but oh my god does he talk a lot!” but they still are happy to help him.

character development questions meme!

#HOLY CRAP THIS TOOK FOREVER #i started it last night but got sleepy so i drafted it to finish today #and it still took ages lol #thank u buddy! #my characters #gambon #jules #fraser #newt #labratslabcoat

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 29/05/2021 (Eurovision, BTS, Olivia Rodrigo, Galantis/David Guetta/Little Mix, Anne-Marie & Niall Horan)

What better way to celebrate the end of a week in which I have been consistently ill and surprisingly busy? Sixteen new arrivals, of course! Shoot me, but first, congratulate Olivia Rodrigo for her second #1 as “good 4 u” gets the album boost to overthrow “Body” this week. I can safely say I think it’ll be there for a while. Let’s just start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Sixteen new arrivals and therefore, kind of a bloodbath. Why are there sixteen new arrivals? We’ll get to it. Other than six new arrivals from last week, we have a couple other drop-outs, the notable of which being those that spent five or more weeks in the UK Top 75 – which I cover – or those that peaked in the top 40. Therefore, those include, rather ironically on Olivia Rodrigo’s album week, former #1 “drivers license” (only dropping out because of a silly UK chart rule that only allows three songs per lead artist on the chart), as well as “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals, “Another Love” by Tom Odell, “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK, “Heartbreak Anniversary” by Giveon, “Tonight” by Ghost Killer Track and D-Block Europe featuring OBOY and “Miss the Rage” by Trippie Redd and Playboi Carti. I’m not complaining about most of this, sorry, Giveon.

We have no returning entries – thankfully – so instead we can just focus on notable falls and climbers. I guess we’ll start with notable losses, songs that dropped five or more spots from their placement last week, and of course we do have a few of them at least as a result of, say it with me, sixteen new arrivals. The first few of these are all harsh drops because of ACR, which happened to coincide with the rest of the chaos, including “Little Bit of Love” by Tom Grennan at #24, “BED” by Joel Corry, David Guetta and RAYE at #25, “Friday” (Dopamine Re-Edit) by Riton and Nightcrawlers featuring Musafa & Hypeman at #26, “Peaches” by Justin Bieber featuring Daniel Caesar and Giveon at #29 and “Let’s Go Home Together” by Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan at #33. We also have the losses for J. Cole staying surprisingly slim with “My Life” featuring 21 Savage and Morray at #27, “Pride is the Devil” featuring Lil Baby at #28 and “Amari” at #35. The rest are mostly just expected continuous fallers, like “Wellerman” by Nathan Evans and remixed by 220 KID and Billen Ted at #44, “Nice to Meet Ya” by Wes Nelson and Yxng Bane at #46, “Your Love (9PM)” by ATB, Topic and A7S at #50, “Marea (We’ve Lost Dancing)” by Fred again.. and the Blessed Madonna at #51, “Ferrari Horses” by D-Block Europe featuring RAYE at #53, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #57, “Seeing Green” by Nicki Minaj, Drake and Lil Wayne at #58 off of the debut, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man at #61, “Martin & Gina” by Polo G at #63, “Leave the Door Open” by Silk Sonic at #64, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max at #65, Travis Scott’s remix of HVME’s remix of Travis Scott’s “Goosebumps” at #67, “Addicted” by Jorja Smith at #68, “Beautiful Mistakes” by Maroon 5 and Megan Thee Stallion at #70, “Sunshine (The Light)” by Fat Joe, DJ Khaled and Amorphous at #73, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #74 and finally “Believe Me” by Navos at #75. Phew.

Now what’s interesting is that we have nearly just as many gains, and they’re pretty unique, big surges in most cases, starting with “Cover Me in Sunshine” by P!nk and Willow Sage Heart at #52 thanks to the album boost that also prompted P!nk’s “All I Know So Far” to creep into the top 40 at #39, “Build a Bitch” by Bella Poarch at #32 off of the debut, “Starstruck” by Years & Years at #31 thanks to a bizarrely uncredited Kylie Minogue remix, “Little More Love” by AJ Tracey at #21, “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti at #20, “Higher Power” by Coldplay at #19, “Black Hole” by Griff at #18, Majestic’s remix of Boney M.’s “Rasputin” at #16, “Good Without” by Mimi Webb soaring into the top 10 and hence becoming her first at #10, and Olivia Rodrigo getting her third thanks to the album boost as “deja vu” is at #4. I think that’s more than enough that needs to be said about music that was already on the chart last week, so welcome back to the part of this series where I get either increasingly frustrated or exhausted every time I have to list another song.

NEW ARRIVALS

#72 – “Life Goes On” – PS1 featuring Alex Hosking

Produced by PS1 and Mark Alston

So, what better way to start sixteen new arrivals? A generic piano-house club track, of course. PS1 is a New York DJ and for this track with a 90s-esque piano and synth melody, bassy drop and tight, bland percussion as well as oddly-mixed anonymous female vocals made to sound robotic regardless of genuine emotive performance, he’s enlisted Australian singer Alex Hosking as well as co-songwriting from hit-makers GOODBOYS, both of which make remarkably little difference to the fact that despite being a faux-inspirational club track, this song is incredibly joyless and flailing in as pathetic and one-note of a fashion as possible. Yes, that is one exhaustive sentence chugging on as long as possible, but there’s no better way to parallel this disposable garbage than that.

#71 – “What a Time” – Julia Michaels featuring Niall Horan

Produced by Ian Kirkpatrick and RKCB

Niall Horan coincidentally has two unrelated female-male duets debuting with him in this week. Thankfully, Julia Michaels only has the one track debuting, and for the love of God, I can’t even figure out why she has the one, as this is a track from a 2019 EP that flew massively under every radar except seemingly mine as whilst I have listened to this EP, I cannot remember for the life of me liking any of it besides “Anxiety”, which makes sense since Michaels is at best an uninteresting songwriter and at worst an insufferable vocal presence. Regardless, I’m going to assume the surge is due to TikTok or some kind of residual Niall Horan hype, whatever there is of that, and look at this song two years after the fact. Well, for what it’s worth, I appreciate the vaguely folkish guitar riff, even if it’s going to be drowned out immensely by Michaels’ approach to vocal takes, which is to put as little effort into that first take and then multi-track enough for it to sound listenable, particularly on that bizarrely unfitting chorus in which reminiscing on a wonderful, intimate time with your partner is demonstrated by rote piano chords, an awkward string swell and distant, reverb-drenched incoherency on the vocals. I guess I do like the switch in the final chorus as she changes “what a time” to “what a lie” to emphasise the bitterness of that break-up, but I don’t think that bitterness has to soak the entire master because this song is dripping in apathy that I just don’t have any time for personally in my pop power ballads. Wait, Niall Horan was on this song?

Eurovision Song Contest 2021

Whilst I may not do a special episode on this blog for the Eurovision Song Contest, I’d be lying if I didn’t confess to watching and enjoying it every year. This year’s, the first since 2019 for obvious reasons, was hosted in Rotterdam in the Netherlands and was won by an Italian rock band, with the United Kingdom infamously receiving zero points yet somehow more applause than Israel’s performance. Telling. It’s not all politics though, obviously: the reason songs win is not just the lighting, stage presence, vocal performance or grandiosity, but rather the songs themselves, or at least ostensibly so. The winner this year didn’t have the best of any of those factors in my opinion – no, not even the politics – so it’s clearly about a mixture of this success criteria. This year had some particularly good songs and the most consistency out of Eurovision in a while, naturally leading to quite a few new arrivals, also factored in by the charts being weak, so we essentially get an album bomb. Let’s pile up every new arrival related to Eurovision and talk somewhat more briefly about each song, starting with...

#66 – “Dark Side” – Blind Channel

Representing: FINLAND

The Finnish entry this year is one of two heavy rock entries, both of which charted, and this is a genre represented by about one country annually. There’s always a Gothic-influenced or industrial-esque band in the shortlist or national finals if not the semis and international final, but it doesn’t stop them from being some of the most interesting Eurovision contesters. It’s in English and came sixth with 301 points. Is it any good? Well, it’s far from bad with that pumping electronic groove before it’s crushed by metallic, distorted and rather ugly guitars that remind me of, if anything, scene-era nu metal and crunkcore, especially due to the clean and growling vocal dynamic. The song is still anthemic as all hell and if we ignore the dog barking and stuttering vocals, as well as the fact that these vocalists don’t have that much grit to their performance, we can appreciate the clamouring rock track this is, and I’d be lying if I said that final chorus isn’t pretty epic. Next!

#62 – “Voilá” – Barbara Pravi

Representing: FRANCE

The French entry this year is one my staunchly Italian nationalist online friend immediately had a distaste for, and as someone with British citizenship, I am also legally obliged to give this Worst of the Week. Sorry, Barbara but traditions are traditions. It’s in her native French and came second overall with 499 points. Is it any good? Well, like many French entries and French pop songs in general, it’s in a chanson style that adapts very well to the modern western art-pop sound, as Pravi’s cooing vocals are at full focus in the mix as they skate around more subtle pianos, wonderfully elegant strings and this wistful tone that may or may not make sense for the content. What? I’m not learning a word of French past what was grained into me during primary school. Overall, I think this is a pretty great song with a lot of that almost Bjork-esque swell especially in Pravi’s vocal performance that I think makes for a pretty excellent listen, especially by the time that abrupt finish hits. I’d probably prefer it being a bit less minimal and scattered so the hook hits harder but overall this is one of the best Eurovision entries this year. However, she is French so, next!

#59 – “SHUM” – Go_A

Representing: UKRAINE

The Ukrainian entry, always successful enough to get to the finals, was particularly hyped up prior due to its... eccentricity and ended up in fifth place with 364 points. It’s in their native Ukrainian so they might as well be garbling acid both verbally and as a written text, so I guess I have to judge it on the fact that this is pretty bonkers, with a charismatic and energetic vocal performance that yells over triumphant bassy horns perfectly blended with the 80s bass synths but not so much with those chirping flutes that, whilst cool on paper, kind of just give me a headache when faced against this thumping dance beat that remains decidedly strained for most of its runtime, and annoyingly so as it means the song never has that cathartic of a release, at least to me, but what drop it has ends up deconstructed and janky in something that might fit on PC Music but I’m not sure it does on Ukrainian Eurovision. This has something there, but I’m not into it. Sorry.

#47 – “Embers” – James Newman

REPRESENTING: United Kingdom

A catastrophic loss is British culture at Eurovision, and it’s not the first time in this century that we’ve gotten the infamous null points. James happens to be related to the more noteworthy John Newman, but that didn’t avoid a “nil points catastrophe”, coined by Jochan Embley, who reviewed the song for the Evening Standard and is now set in stone as an utter fool as his quote predicting that not to be the case this year is now forever preserved on the Wikipedia page for this very song. Nice one, Embley. We finished at twenty-sixth and Newman should honestly be glad this embarrassment is charting. The worst part of this whole ordeal is that the song’s actually fine and definitely representative of British pop music with its 90s-esque piano, bassy drop and anonymous vocal performance – if any of that sounds familiar – and I do love the plastic brass added here for the sake of bombast. It’s nothing interesting, and a tad too long considering how little it does with its musical premise, but it’s not worse than half of any given Eurovision. Maybe next year we submit a UK drill song, I’m sure that’ll get the people going. Tion Wayne, do you want to take a flight to Italy in 2022? Maybe bring Young Adz here while you’re at it; that could truly be a fascinatingly out of place Eurovision entry but at least one of these countries – probably Russia – would vote for it. As for now, at least this was funny to see absolutely bomb, and Graham Norton become increasingly hopeless for its success as the night went on.

#43 – “10 Years” – Daoi Freyr

REPRESENTING: Iceland

One part of this guy’s backing band tested positive for COVID-19 so they had to isolate and just show the dress rehearsal again but it didn’t stop them from charting and delivering a pretty damn unique entry, as Iceland is known for doing nowadays. It’s all in English and finished in fourth place with 378 points, and is it any good? Well, for one of the whitest concepts in television, this is the whitest song of this year’s entries, starting with some gentle violins before abruptly careening straight into this Daoi Freyr guy monotonously droning over bass-heavy nu-disco straight out of the 2000s with a level of irony balancing out whatever sincerity there is in the quasi-R&B breakdown, and, you know, it’s fun, at least? I do think the stage performance is remarkably more interesting than this funktronica mess in the studio, but this is catchy and inoffensive, two good ways to get people to care about your song in Eurovision, so it makes sense. Also,  that chiptune synth-solo borderline saves this song, even in all its brevity.

#17 – “ZITTI E BUONI” – Maneskin

REPRESENTING: Italy

So third place didn’t chart – sorry, Switzerland – but we do obviously get the winner charting as high as the top 20. The chart’s weak and the lead singer’s hot and probably does cocaine – it’s a recipe for success, especially when they probably have mafia connections and can threaten or buy their way into the charts. Unrealistic and possibly xenophobic stereotypes aside, this is the Italian entry and whilst I was personally gunning for Portugal, who came twelfth, I can see how this gathered 524 points, even if they had to censor the lyrics for the sake of the contest, not that I can tell because I do not know a lick of Italian. Sorry, Ignacio. Anyway, this song kicks ass and rather disrespectfully at that, as the lead singer breathily sings over garage rock-esque guitar licks and some pretty manic drumming that delivers not only a catchy hook but an undeniable groove, assisted by some slick rapping that comes out of the blue in the second verse and honestly fits the song – and the singer – a lot better than it has any right to. Congratulations, Italy – you’ll be paying out the ass for the next contest. Ciao!

Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Well, that got a lot out of the way. Not all of it, though.

#60 – “Topshottas Freestyle” – Potter Payper

Produced by Chucks

Potter Payper is basically some guy from Barking, East London, and that’s all you need to sign a record deal with the same label that has Stormzy on payroll so that’s why he’s here. With that said, there’s something deeper here, or at least in the first few lines of this singular verse – without a chorus – in which Potter Payper narrates a street lifestyle, far too common for young working-class British men, retelling what is probably his truth about the consequences of ignoring motherly advices and finding yourself in a situation surrounded by gang violence, drug trafficking and all the paranoia that comes with it. Of course, he then brags about his wordplay, gunplay and fashion, and the rest of the verse just feels aimless with nothing exactly restraining the meandering checklist of clichés, and zilch returning it back to what I thought was going to be the point of the song. I guess this trap beat is okay but this same acoustic guitar and oddly-mastered bass is so common and uninteresting that I find it hard to care. I don’t have an issue with British music being Americanised as that’s just the result of musical evolution and the sharing of culture, but when the only way you can tell this isn’t from the States is the accent does make me question why this is charting amongst Dave and AJ Tracey instead of Lil Baby and Gunna.

#56 – “GANG GANG” – Polo G and Lil Wayne

Produced by Angelo Ferraro

Polo G, after just having the biggest hit of his career with the US #1 hit “RAPSTAR”, follows it up with a Lil Wayne collaboration and thanks to a busy and just misguided release date and timing, it makes a lot less noise than it should. It absolutely deserves that level of attention too, with its chopped-up borderline ambient melody that creates  a perfect foundation for this high-energy bass-heavy trap beat as well as Polo G delivering a lot more energy than on “RAPSTAR” (to the point where I think that’s the reason why his actually interesting songs don’t do as well). The chorus has a pretty great melodic switch-up by the end and whilst the flows are pretty rote, it’s hard to say they aren’t smoothly delivering all of the flexing and gunplay pretty typical of Polo G, and if anything that’s what it’s missing: an extra layer of depth, not that I care of course, because Lil Wayne’s on it. Wayne has been astonishingly great on features recently and this is one of his most impressive features to the point where I could barely write about it on first listen, with some of his slickest flow switches ever and whilst the content doesn’t get any more interesting than pouring his heart out for his lean, his pure charisma outshines anyone who could have been on this track and this means this ends up pretty excellent in terms of 2020s trap-rap. I don’t know when that Polo G album is coming but I hope it has more of this. Also, for the love of God, Wayne, keep this energy up for the next album. I’m begging you.

#42 – “SUN GOES DOWN” – Lil Nas X

Produced by Roy Lenzo, Omar Fedi and Take a Daytrip

As his follow up to “MONTERO”, we have a new, decidedly less sexual Lil Nas X hit debuting again surprisingly low on the chart considering the last single’s success, finally delivering in the musical department as for me, there’s a constant conflict between wanting to like Lil Nas as a character, performer and personality rather than actually enjoying any of the guy’s music. Last time I talked about Lil Nas, I did bring up the Pitchfork album review that questioned if he really liked music and whilst it’s funny, I do see how Lil Nas could have perhaps taken Pitchfork to heart as a result as he practically explains his love of popular music as a way for him to feel like he belonged in a community, which is especially meaningful for a man constantly left alienated because of his own mental health issues as a teenager and struggling to come to terms with his homosexuality, to the point of suicidal thoughts. I just love how the verse ends on a happy note where makes the leap of faith to come out and how now he’s proud of himself, he wants to make sure his fans are proud of him since they’re the people who got him there. For me, those last lines recontextualise the chorus as becoming less about contemplating death but more about ascending to a happier place and rejecting all your struggles that you’ve overcome. It helps that this is all sang pretty soulfully over an almost emo guitar melody with some basic flows but gorgeous multi-tracked vocal melodies accentuated by strings that elevate this song even higher, even if it seems underdeveloped. Sure, it doesn’t have that second verse, but does a victory lap need a re-over?

#38 – “Mask” – Dream

Produced by Perish Beats and Banrisk

Nope.

#22 – “Our Song” – Anne-Marie and Niall Horan

Produced by TMS

Okay, so this is a duet where two ex-lovers – only in the song – attempt to get over each other but end up hearing a song they held special to their relationship and all of the memories and pain comes flooding back. Without the youthful exuberance of Taylor Swift’s song of the same name, this duet should carry some bitterness and resentment but mostly capture a hesitant nostalgia... and despite being oddly Niall Horan-dominated, I guess it does that pretty effectively, or at least would if Niall wasn’t crushed by a misshapen trap beat that drowns this pathetically fluttering guitar loop into a mush that not even Anne-Marie can over-sell. Everything here is so utterly basic that it kind of screws itself over by trying for any energy or passion, and therefore kind of just doesn’t. I’m glad.

#9 – “Heartbreak Anthem” – Galantis, David Guetta and Little Mix

Produced by Bloodshy, Henrik Jonback, David Saint Fleur, Thom Bridges, David Guetta, Mike Hawkins, SONDR and Johnny Goldstein

It really speaks to the power of Little Mix that even with only three members and only one of them not expecting a child, they can bring Galantis back of all people. Although given that Galantis is already a duo, I fail to see why David Guetta needs to be here, and the same can go for any of the other seven credited producers of this song, which actually only includes one half of Galantis! I question if a song ever needs that many, despite the fact that in reality they probably contributed zilch to the song each, just enough to get a pay check. None of that should matter, however, if the song isn’t good and I’ll admit this is far from the worst that any of these guys have delivered, with a string melody and swell not unlike 2015-era house Galantis themselves made, and vocal deliveries from the girls that sound like they were located in vastly different locations from each other (to the point where anyone harmonising with Perrie sounds really awkward regardless of how many vocal manipulation effects you can put on them). For seven producers, that’s inexcusable, but as a song, it’s just a shallow post-break-up song that kind of feels like a dig towards Jesy if anything (although I hope it isn’t). I’m not a fan – I never was going to be – but it works for what it is as this colourful house jam, and not much else. This is Galantis’ first top 10 since 2016, by the way. Yeah, Little Mix are that big.

#7 – “traitor” – Olivia Rodrigo

Produced by Dan Nigro

It couldn’t have been “brutal”? Or “hope ur ok”? Okay, well, if we’re going to have the dullest track on the album bar one I guess we’ll go with the one that follows the “drivers license” formula to a T but without as much passion in the vocals, without as much interesting songwriting quirks and with a whole lot of rote fluff removed far from any indie-girl influence that undercuts what is essentially a teen-pop product. I’m not going to pretend I cannot get caught up in melodrama and embrace that, but this is a slog of a ballad with an almost sing-song, condescending vocal melody in that chorus, multi-tracked and studio-produced to rid her of any of that natural rasp she has when singing live. The song is about being annoyed by an ex finding someone new and the more toxic thoughts that come with being the ex-girlfriend in that situation, but with decidedly low stakes this time around that just make her more unlikeable than relatable. I’m sorry, I didn’t think that album was half-bad at all, but please don’t make this the post-release hit.

#3 – “Butter” – BTS

Produced by Ron Perry, Rob Grimaldi and Stephen Kirk

See, I value my personal information, and I don’t know about you but I’m as scared of these guys as I am Nicki Minaj stans, or Minecraft YouTuber stans, or serial killers, so whilst I doubt my platform is extensive enough to reach that level, I also know that these people are so online that they could easily find me somehow somewhere. With that said, just to clarify, when I say I wish I could “Nope” myself out of this one like I did with Dream because I have consistently little to say about this band, it’s not because I in any way dislike BTS or the band members within, or their record label that manages them and many other K-pop bands which I also do not dislike, or, because I’ve seen this happen, East Asians in general. Is that enough stalling to just say I don’t care about this basic pop fluff? When BTS are in Korean, their lyrics aren’t embarrassing and their production tends to be more experimental or at least catchier, more interesting. I like a fair few Korean BTS songs as a result but I just do not see the appeal in making another stiff, cleanly-produced 80s-esque funk-pop song with some chiptune synths that are admittedly kinda cool other than getting on US radio. There’s some interplay between the boys here but it just leads to a pretty homogenised track where none of them have enough personality to shine through, not even SUGA and RM on the tacked-on rap verse that so awkwardly ends. The synth solo sounds perfectly out of an era of dated 80s synths that I’m not sure anyone other than Bruno Mars actually had nostalgia for, and not even some pretty vocoder can save it. The writing is too clumsy, the production’s not equipped to handle it and there’s not much to speak of in terms of performance. I fear for my life when I say it but I think this is actually pretty bad.

Conclusion

Okay, so, we’re finally finished with this week and God, I’m glad, as there’s not that much quality here to speak of, although what is here is here in droves, so Best of the Week gladly goes to Polo G and Lil Wayne for “GANG GANG”, with “Sun Goes Down” by Lil Nas X following closely behind as an Honourable Mention. In terms of Worst of the Week, it doesn’t actually go to they who shall not or he who should not be named, instead going to the pathetic “Your Song” by Anne-Marie and Niall Horan, with a Dishonourable Mention going to BTS for “Butter”. It’s just “Dynamite” again but with considerably less reason to exist. Here’s this week’s top 10:

If I make it to next week, who knows what’s coming? This is a slower week – hopefully – and I don’t think black midi will chart, though it’d be comical, so I’ll hold off on predictions and just thank you for reading. See you next week!

[kyloknightofren]

You’re Sure It’s Not Spelt Hucks?

So for the @verymerrykylux shindig that I’m totally late for, I got to write for @gingerbitch-hux. I’m so sorry it’s late. I have no excuses. I’m a lame dude. Anyways! I hope you like it. Thanks to @sithofren and @kyloren-sithlord for reading through this and giving it the polishing it needed!

There is something to this newfangled Facebook thing that Han is simply unable to wrap his mind around. Leia insists -- in that endlessly annoying Leia way of hers -- that he needs to get it in order to stay current with ‘this generation.’ Whatever that's supposed to mean. Han’s never met a computer he couldn't work his way around, but this god damned, imbecilic blue-and-white website of death is testing him in new and inspired ways.

He hates it.

His first friend, surprisingly, is Luke. He didn't even realize Tibetan monasteries had wifi, but proof to the contrary is staring him right in the face. Lando and Leia tie for second, because he can't find the little button that looks like a horribly mutilated and bleached upper body for a solid ten minutes while Leia sends him a series of increasingly concerned and illegible texts, using literally anything on the keyboard save actual letters, until he finally cedes defeat and calls her to ask for help.

She rolls her eyes at him but helps all the same. She's sweet like that -- burn and salve all in one.

It takes him a month to realize that he's missing something, or perhaps more accurately, someone. Han had simply assumed -- evidently wrongly -- that Ben would search up his name, click the little white face and their relationship would repair itself. The accident smoothed over, or perhaps even ignored; Ben’s attempts at running from the guilt that Han had no small part in exacerbating, resolved.

Searching ‘Ben Solo’ comes up with frustratingly little -- ‘Ben Organa’ produces even less. The internet is supposed to connect people, and all it’s left him with is the taste of palpable bitterness.

Leia gives him a knowing look over what could generously be considered spaghetti and spinach salad that night. She’s never been much of a cook, and Han himself can’t do much in the kitchen beyond opening the wrapper of a granola bar. The house feels empty with just the two of them, and Han can’t even fathom how much emptier it must feel when he can’t take anymore of acting domestic, when it’s just Leia.

“He’s not on there, you know,” she starts, apropos of nothing after too many minutes of uncomfortable silence.

Han grunts in response, digging into his pasta with renewed vigour. Perhaps if he just doesn’t respond, this conversation can simply stop. Of course, Han knows that’s a losing battle.

“I try looking, every few months. Perhaps I’m just not cut out for this internet crap. But -- I happen to know someone. He’s rather good with technology, always getting me out of a bind when I need it.” She smiles at him -- it’s small, but significant. Like everything about her. Han can’t remember the last time he saw her smile like that.

“Is that so?” he asks, the beginnings of a smirk playing about his mouth. “I suppose I could take another look for you, princess.”

“My hero,” she says, rolling her eyes with something he hopes is fondness.

The next days are spent in a fevered state, scrolling through the blue-and-white screen of death. He’s always worked best when he has some sort of task to complete, some goal to reach for.

It seems unlikely that Ben simply isn’t on the internet — he’s a young man, after all. Or at least, that’s how Han remembers him. It’s been close to ten years. Things can change.

Still, no matter how hard he works, there’s no tangible results to give to Leia. no gold medal to award for a job well done. Google refuses to cooperate with him — all of the results pulled up relate back to the accident. One particular news site has the gall to refer to it as a tragedy, which is frankly absurd.

Han resorts to means he never thought he’d use — calling Luke’s daughter and praying that she doesn’t tell Leia. Rey insists that she hasn’t heard from her cousin in at least five years, which is still somehow better than Han himself.

But, she does give him a name, someone he was apparently seeing when they last ran into each other (in a coffee shop of all confounded places). Hucks. Which can hardly be the real name of a human being, but Han supposes that if Rey can be married to someone named Finn, then who is he to judge?

Hucks turns up...nothing. Well, not nothing exactly, but unless Hucks lives in the Bahamas and is a very busty sixty year old retiree whose given name is Pamela, Han probably has the wrong person. Still, he’s not here to judge Ben or his life choices (much), so he sends a link to Rey via email and waits for confirmation.

What he gets in response is a series of -- what are they? Emogicons? -- that indicate someone crying from laughter. Or at least, Han thinks that’s what it is. Rey sends another email to follow up, informing him that he’s spelt Hucks wrong, which is hardly his fault. Who the hell assumes it’s spelt ‘Hux’?

Idiots, that’s who.

Hux is apparently a very well-off lawyer with a strange fixation with ginger cats and a child that Han assumes is his own, given the bright shock of red hair and what Han can only consider to be most morose pout he’s ever seen on a toddler. He apparently doesn’t have a first name, and might be the most boring person Han could have ever conceived of.

His relationship status isn’t publically listed, and as he scrolls through pages and pages of Hux’s very tame Facebook history, he can’t help but be disappointed that there’s nothing on his wall from Ben Solo-Organa-whatever.

There is, however, a lot from a person named Kylo Ren, whose profile picture looks like a hunk of metal garbage in a white room. Leave it to uppity rich folks like Hux to be friends with modern artists. At the very least, this Kylo Ren character has good taste in animal pictures -- Han is a particular fan of the one with the cat holding onto a railing with the caption ‘Hang In There!’.

Han debates, for the better part of fifteen minutes, when is the appropriate time to send a friend request to someone you’ve never met before. He texts Leia for a second opinion and she replies with a series of thumbs up and the weird hands that look like they’re straight out of a televangelist gathering. Which probably means something like ‘go for it’, but Han has never been very good at figuring out what Leia’s trying to say without making a giant mess of everything.

At 3:02, which is probably a very respectable time for lawyers to get tired of working and go on their phones, Han sends his request.

It takes a week and three days for him to get a response from Hux, during which time Han alternately frets that this entire thing is a waste of time and curses Hux’s name for making him wait for so long.

<< Who the hell is this?

There’s a moment of clarity when Han realizes that yes, of course Facebook has a private messaging system. No wonder Leia kept teasing him about posting things onto Luke’s wall. Damn stupid website.

<< Hello? I’m very busy and I don’t have all day to sit here and wait for decrepit old men to figure out how to use the internet. I don’t want whatever it is you’re selling.

>> hi no dont go my name is han

>> i think u knew my son

>> ben

<< Jesus fucking Christ.

>> thats not my name but ill take the compliment

>> i just want to talk to ben

<< We’re all very happy without you and your miscreant ways, thank you very much.

>> wat does that even mean

<< “Ben” has told me all about you. We aren’t interested.

Han is...puzzled, to say the least. He knows he wasn’t the ideal father, knows the accident was his fault, but he doesn’t think that that qualifies him to be treated like the literal scum of the earth. But still. Ben knows this man.

>> wat do you mean “ben”

>> his name is ben

<< Perhaps it used to be, yes. That’s no longer what he goes by.

>> y not?

>> ben is a perfectly good name

>> its a family name

<< Yippee for that. It’s still not his name.

<< Look, I could spend all day arguing about what name my incredibly asinine husband prefers to go by, but that would be a) pointless, and b) a waste of everyone’s time, but most importantly mine.

>> i just want to make sure hes ok

>> wait

>> husband???!?!?!?!??!?!

<< Fuck.

<< Fine.

<< If I answer all your questions, will you promise not to try to contact “Ben”? He’s very . . . delicate, about things like this.

>> but i want to see him

<< Good for you. Those are my terms. Take them or leave them.

>> ok

There’s a brief negotiation, mostly steamrolled by Hux, where they discuss where to meet. They settle on a coffee shop in downtown which Han assumes must be close to Hux’s office. He’s never heard of it before, but -- it’s something.

Han hates the downtown core with all of his being. Where the hell is everyone supposed to park? It’s damn ridiculous. He circles around the block where Hux’s chosen coffee shop is for the better part of twenty minutes before finally finding a spot, squeezed in between two cars that independently are probably worth at least five times what the Falcon is.

He’s wearing his finest jacket — the one with only one grease stain — and a pair of probably clean brown corduroys. Definitely not because he wants to impress his...son-in-law? He’s still not fully able to wrap his head around the concept, no matter how hard he tries. He has a son-in-law, and that son-in-law has a child. Does that make him a grandfather? Does he even want to be a grandfather?

He hasn’t told Leia about this meeting, mostly because he doesn’t want to get her hopes up. Han has spent the better part of twenty years disappointing her, and there’s something about how tenuous their relationship is at the moment that tells him that if he well and truly fucks this up, there might not be any going back.

Hux is easy to spot — he’s the only one with ginger hair and a frown in the whole damn place. He’s sipping fancy coffee, which is to say, coffee that didn’t come from the McDonald's drive through around the corner from his garage.

He claps Hux on the back as he comes around, sliding into the seat opposite with a gruff “Hello.” Hux gives the watch on his hand a cursory glance before glaring up at Han.

“You’re seven minutes late.” His voice is clipped, accented in a way Han wasn’t expecting. It reminds him of Luke’s Uncle Ben, of the Arizona desert and his old smuggling routes.

“Yeah, well, you try parking around here and see if you can get anywhere on time, son.” Hux rolls his eyes, seemingly unimpressed.

From what Han can gleam, Hux is always seemingly unimpressed.

“Yes, well, that’s all well and good but I have a meeting I need to be at in thirty-three minutes, so if we could simply cut to the proverbial chase, I would be most appreciative.” Hux taps a finger on the cup of his fancy coffee, which seems to be more white fluff than actual coffee. The motion draws Han’s attention down, towards the ring gleaming on his hand.

“So — you really — you and Ben?”

“Me and Kylo, yes. If you want to have this conversation, the least you could do is make an attempt to call him by his preferred name.”

“Wait — you mean the Kylo Ren who posts all the cat pictures on your Facebook?”

“Oh my fucking — yes. Of course. Obviously. That Kylo. Your spawn, Kylo.”

“Oh.” Han stares down at the table, at Hux’s hand again. The ring is gold, plain and unadorned but clearly polished regularly and meticulously. There’s something about it that makes Han wish he’d worn his own wedding ring, if only to prove that he’s not a bad husband as well as a bad father. “Are you — happy?”

The question contorts Hux’s face into something more closely resembling a sneer -- it’s clearly not often that he considers happiness as something important, a metric to be closely observed. “I — yes. I suppose we are.”

“That’s good.”

“Indeed.”

They sit in silence — awkward, uncomfortable silence — for what feels like an eternity but is more likely only a minute or two. “He’s an artist, you know,” Hux starts, clearly trying to reach for any topic of conversation that the two of them might have in common. “He has his own studio, and — well, I suppose he doesn’t do as much now because of Cillian, but still. He’s very well known within art circles, if you go in for that sort of thing.”

“Cillian?” Han asks, desperate for anything to cling to in the hopes of continuing the conversation.

“Yes, Cillian. He’s rather brilliant, for a four year old. Kylo is — well, he’s much better with him than I am, but that’s perhaps because Kylo still has the mind of a child locked inside the body of a giant.” The words are harsh, but they’re said with the barest hint of affection — the first actual sign of emotion Hux has displayed throughout the entire conversation.

“And he’s — yours?”

“Ours,” Hux corrects quickly. It’s evidently a conversation he’s had before, if the rapid way he replies is any indication. “He’s ours, no matter who’s biology he’s got in him.”

“Right, yeah.”

“I don’t suppose there’s any chance of Leia or me getting to spend some time with Be-Kylo?” Han knows what the answer is most likely going to be, but he can’t help but ask anyways. For Leia’s sake, if not his own.

“I -— look. You seem like a nice guy, sort of. Kylo’s told me all sorts of absurd things about you that might be true, but given his proclivity towards grandiose exaggeration, probably aren’t.” Han nods along, waiting for the definitive ‘no’ that he’s expecting. “But I can’t speak for Kylo personally. It’s not my place.”

Hux reaches into his breast pocket, pulls out a business card in matte black with the name ‘Kylo Ren’ emblazoned in plain white font. “Send him an email. Don’t bother calling because he doesn’t answer his work phone and he has no idea how to check voicemail, no matter what he says to the contrary.”

“Thanks, kid,” Han says, taking the card and putting it in his pocket like it’s a winning lotto ticket. In some ways, it is.

“Don’t mention it,” Hux says, standing up and straightening his suit. “Really, don’t. I sleep on the couch enough as it is.”

Han chuckles, sliding out of his chair. “Yeah, his mom’s the same way. They’re always making you think they hate you when it’s the damn opposite.”

Hux makes a face, something between pained and affectionate, before looking down at his watch. “Well, this has been — something. I ought to —”

“Yeah, yeah. Go on, kid.” Hux glares, but offers his hand to Han anyways. The shake is firm — surprising, given Hux’s relatively willowy figure.

“Have a good day,” Hux says, by way of closing remarks. Han smiles and thinks that, for the first time in the better part of a decade, he actually might.

#kylux #gingerbitch hux

[rennyji]

June 3rd tweets...wondering, thoughts, relationships, past, normal tweets...

June 3rd tweets...as follows...-

-You know something, I mentioned how I like the name Rachel and once “knew of”(not know) a girl named Rachel. I remember being in one of the reading rooms in the library at Binghamton, during my last year there. -

-Before I figured this girl was going out with someone, random girls would shout the name “Rachel” in the quiet of the reading room- alluding to my interest reaching an audience-

-...but in hindsight, why shout the name...was i to react to it in someway? Or was it because this cr*p started a little earlier?! I mean, what?, shout the name and see how I react? On “what ‘level?’” This girl would always post a profile pic with two of her best friends.-

-On one occasion, I told a guy I was interested in this girl. One of her best friends was sitting a distance away, diagonally, at another table, in the food court. I’ve always wondered if this girl had super sonic hearing...-

-or is something relaying what I’m saying...the very next day, after my conversation,-

-I go to the coffee kiosk in the library and there are girls acting differently...when the girl dates a mechanical engineering major, after Easter or spring break, I go through the dining hall and there are random girls with the look, “lol you lost ur chance”...-

-then when I’m at the Starbucks up in Binghamton, there’s another best friend taking a picture of me through the glass window of the starbucks. Was that to show her friend that I’m not bothered about anything or because they were feeding into a medium? It could be-

-the medium as there were other kids with cameras...I think I remember telling my own friends about it. When I wrote about the girl on Facebook in Albany, a friend from a part time job in Binghamton messaged me on Facebook saying it’s a bad idea. -

-I guess I forgot 2remove him before writing was intended. But the thing with this is, in my calculus class in Albany, there was white male - little older than the rest- on 1day, who seemed enthusiastic to talk to me. Post writing on Facebook, he looked serious and ignoring me.-

-How could all of these social or environmental reactions happen within a day?! While I was in freedom apartments in Albany, there was what sounded like these slight male/female voices for a brief time while I was only there. Were those my roommates or...-

-questions questions, is cr*p American psychology waiting for something like this as part of their ridiculous methodology for some sissy American girl treatment? Trust me, in saying that I’m not advertising myself as “gangsta.” What do you think of me? -

-You see a soft angle to a multi angle personality and think I’m going to sensitively handle or cannot handle everything? What is my focus, and who is my audience?- remember that from the complaint form writing?! Am I not repeating everything from 11 years ago?-

-Compared 2habits now like buying sh*t, back then I was working out &swimming @ the local YMCA. So what is this cr*p about?! When I went to the FBI office in Bethlehem, NY , before the agent I spoke with, spoke to me, him &a woman on the upper floor of that area had these looks -

-on their faces like why is “he” here... when I wrote on a complaint form he suggested-probably as part of the f*kin country’s conspiracy to get me to write all day everyday- about certain kids, they walk past me, enraged, the next day. -

-When I went to Guilderland police department in the middle of the night, there was an officer behind a computer screen and an female officer talking to me. After talking to me partially, the female officer goes to the guy at the computer and I hear “what! You means it’s true?!”-

-Then she returns and tells me that what I’m saying is nothing. This much denying and getting people to follow instructions. I tell people to do something good with their lives, for themselves, they won’t do it. But you manage the world to be fake around me!-

-How is that, why is that? Remember you racist f* of orchestrators, in the end of this, one of us will be ruined. Whites and blacks, see your country in all its glory.

now in shifting the mood, focus...moving onto the next thing...

so a thought on relationships...-

-I believe before meeting a woman to be your girl friend or wife, having a career or at least a promising academic career, is essential. I means it’s different if ur just friends. When I first started college with my first major of engineering, it wasn’t going well. -

-In trying 2also have a good routine/schedule/full life, I still made time 4working out, part time jobs, &a girl friend. But as engineering went south, despite the great girl friend (she would walk from her off campus apartment to the campus library to study with me at 6 am),-

-I didn’t feel comfortable being in a relationship or asking someone out, when priority wise, my academic career was on the line. I want to have a life like my friend Sean and his wife. -

- Both of them have degrees, both of them are lawyers, both of them have each other’s back in all aspects-what a quality life you can build like that. They were best friends when we were all in college-What a privilege. -

-In my opinion, a career or academic career is essential 2a relationship, because when, in whatever regard, things get serious, u have a way of supporting each other or a potential way of supporting each other. When married or in a relationship, I want 2be an asset 2my partner, -

-I want 2make her day, and I want her to make mine. Even with the concept of flings, a career or academic career is essential. I mean regarding that, I feel Im from a different time. Amongst present college kids and that age group, things seem to be liberal and ok being liberal.-

-I mean, I went 2college in 2006 when Facebook 1st started- from a different time. When I’d interact with kids as a Residential Consultant ( label for IT Support part time jobs for college dorms) while living in the dorms in 2007 and 2008, I noticed every year, students change-

- in personalities. I think 2006 freshman were the last of an era, at least at Binghamton. I went to schools in the 90s where they tell you to act responsibly and be mindful of the consequences of your actions in a relationship and elsewhere- different time.-

-When I transferred to the party school, maybe my peers of the time thought I’m a freshman or that I’m a teenager. But I was in my very early 20s. I grew up with a private education and transferred to a state school- a different sub culture. -

- I was in grade school when Britney Spears came out with “Oops I did it again,” the age of the Spice Girls, and the maca rana (the dance, if that’s how it’s spelled). If a fling goes south, with no career or academic career, how do you take care of things?...-

-I mean in most cases, not the kinda thing you’d ideally want to go to your parents about. In the time I grew up, having a lot of girl friends or flings put women off. It ruins ur chances of meeting that dream girl for the future. -

-But nowadays, I think people think or are taught differently or are set one way by their friends. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of things anymore -  not in a good way or a bad way. -

-I think women as a whole have changed. U always hear guys are after only 1 thing, but there was 1 girl I liked, who I wasn’t sure liked me, there were some interactions like we became Facebook friends, then all of a sudden she deletes me without cause &goes a step further to -

-block me- a little extreme. You get curious and manage to see the profile pic of her under the covers with the lead guy in a band. To make someone jealous? Or wanting to fulfill a - I guess - a girls dream of being with a guy in a band?..-

-no offense to him, but I don’t think on my worst day, I’d lose a girl to him, but whatever. Even compared to her, or in general, I don’t get how girls pick guys. -

-Point being women can be strange and have changed over time. On that note, I think it happened in April. In Binghamton, it was a time for spring dances at the school, and I couldn’t help but think, amidst her friends, -

-this girl would wanted to take part in something like that or might feel left out. There was a time I’d see her going up the stairs to the dorm as I’d go down, and she was carrying a red suitcase with I think wheels and a handle. -

-Might remember it wrong. I thought maybe she has a strict family and they make her go home on the weekends in the beginning and she just wants to live her life to the fullest, like in what she may feel her friends are doing. -

-While I’m a solo act since the first grade despite passing friends and the interest of others(due to the story that comes after this whole thought/section), she needs friends and clearly gets supportive friends..I mean I could be reading into the whole thing...-

-but that was my impression...when her mother (or I think it was cuz it’s different from the pictures online) came to pick her up at the end of the school year, I kind of waved goodbye to her, and as they were driving, they paused for a moment, and I couldn’t help but wonder if-

-her mother wasn’t asking her about the boy that waved at her. My school wasn’t going well and I couldn’t dance. I was hoping she would find someone, but letting go of an interest for responsibility is a sacrifice that requires effort.-

-I mean you wait for a combination of characteristics and the universe delivers at the most inconvenient time. When I’d go to Church around that time, out of my interest and resulting thoughts for the girl, I’d pray she’d find someone good for her.-

-Kind of feel like doing stuff like that as part of the aforementioned effort a sentence or two ago. If there was anything to be angry about, it was the psychotic after effect. She gets the guy and randomness follows for me.-

-In order to be away from familial and cultural obligations on a level beyond college, I need a career, and for that I need a good degree, all so that I can live and experience life to the fullest. I couldn’t help but feel there were those who’d read into my actions. -

-All that said, pull something like that while dating me, I’m Not so well wishing or understanding, or forgiving that is if it happened to a couple dating. -

-My whole life of going to catholic schools and all boys high school, I aimed for the dream of making the prettiest woman my best friend in college and marrying her.-

-Then this present day 11+ year “situation” happened, messing up my academics, limiting my career options, keeping women as a whole away from me...I mean, such was my dream, as mentioned, as a kid and in my teenage years and 20s. -

-Now I’m in my very early 30s and my dream about a woman seems to carry no value or effect. The dream just seemed like a waste of time (although no dream, especially marrying a best friend should be) cuz life itself went out of its way to go upside down for me. -

-I mean in hindsight, you wonder, did you have high morals, think too much, or are you in fact right that the rest of the world didn’t think enough or think things through. I mean, in all humility, 11+ years ago, I was a pretty decent looking guy...-

-.if nothing else, I had the thickest of hair and it was long...at that time, I had so many female prospects but stayed focused on my dream...-

-here I am 11+ years later, bald, losing muscle and gaining weight from inflicted lifestyles by the orchestrators, tired, and having the world on one team or one side while I’m on another.-

-It makes you think about morals, right and wrong, and a bunch of things like that, as ur left alone and bored out of ur mind, feeling like in a pretty jail cell’s bed, for all these years. -

-I think right & wrong, boils down 2 whats right “for an individual,” at a particular point in their life. In life, there are rules, religion, traditions, cultures...but ur job as a person is 2 live in each second, making both smart & wise decisions, as appropriate 4 ur life, -

-without caring about what others think. Don’t model your life on anyone, but your goals and dreams. Going back to the main point, Time and opportunities were stolen from me, and here I am today, in a different world, with the dream squashed.

Regarding something mentioned in the previous section/thought/set of tweets, here's a tale from the past:-

-You wanna know how long my dream of marrying my best friend dates back? Here’s a story. Although born and brought up here, when I was in pre-k, I didn’t speak that much English, because I spent time with my paternal grandmother mostly. -

-She would speak to me in our Indian dialect, and with my parents being Indian immigrants, she was of the belief, “why does their son need to learn English?” In pre-K, there was an Indian girl that I  friended and spent all of my time with. -

-Our parents friended each other and carpooled and we went over each other’s houses and birthday parties. While she gathered together in a circle with her girl friends, I’d hover around her.-

-In the same way, I expect potential girl friends and my wife to teach me how to dance, my kindergarten friend would teach me how to bike ride and roller blade. She was my courage. -

When we were in kindergarten, if she was absent from school, I would run away from school. I managed, on one such occasion, to escape my kindergarten teacher’s notice, and ran for home, as the school was 5 min away from my old house near central ave in Yonkers.-

-My dad was walking home and caught sight of me, and I forget if he took me back to school or took me home with him. When I graduated from that school, the kindergarten teacher was sure to write about that in my year book. That was my relationship with this girl. -

-Then, as first grade approached, her father, a doctor, had a job transfer far away. She was going to leave me. It was something I had to accept about my first friend as first grade approached.- 

-But at that time, I decided I would find a replacement to be my best friend, and marry her. That’s the origin of the dream the orchestrators squashed.

and now, normal tweets...-

Was listening 2"All 10's" playlist on Spotify the other day. Heard this girly song called Shower, by an artist w/a very girly name of "BeckyG"..Despite transitioning from Memories-Kid Cudi/David Guetta-I couldn't help but think ofMyself dancing w/a potential daughter 2that song.

Bad Blood music video from Taylor Swift...with all those Wonder Woman like women in the video, makes a guy wish he was taller to be with them...

I heard on the news that you should wash you hands with soap for 30 seconds after touching money, as cash and coins have been handled by who-knows-how-many-people-doing-whatever... I wonder if anyone else does it...kind of a pain, and more incentive to use the card...-

-especially if you get rewards for using it or get benefits...

How do eat your yogurt? When I eat my cup of Greek yogurt, with one lick off the spoon-without too much tongue exposure-I consume my yogurt. I mean, I eat it kind of like a chocolate soft cone from Carvel, not like cereal.

Yeah life is a journey...awaiting my destination, as I’ve been traveling for 11+ years...

Why isn’t there a Wegmans in Yonkers/Bronxville?! You can still shop there through InstaCart App...you get some exotic stuff like Japanese energizing cold green tea in a can...

[fatherofsource]

the hospital between realms

The hospital between realms a place where anyone or things can be treated for all payment except death. It was pure luck that Rim Sang-Chul found the place but everything afterword was himself.

’keep running’ Rim ordered himself even as his legs ached. He the shouting of his chasers was good motivation. ’if they catch you your dead, worse they kill this child’ he looked down at the bundle in his arms some him asleep.

Ducking behind a stone tree Rim tried to catch his breath. He’s been running the last two weeks and he was on his last legs, if something didn't happen they weren't going to make it. ’I almost wish I believed in gods, ’ taking a few breaths he got ready to run and just in time.

”THERE HE IS!” cursing rim took off deeper into the stone forest. Weaving through the trees he avoids the projectiles aimed at him, sometimes by a hair with.

This didn't last long and he took a rock to the head. Stumbling Tim badly kept his feet underneath him. ” shit!” his vision was turning red. Blinking his eye he kept moving, he had to.

”ugh!” he stumbled now there was a burning in his ankle. He probably scraped it but there wasn’t time to check. ’now not the time!’ he thought to himself as he felt cool tear ran down his face. ”we're gonna make it, we're gonna make I-it” his voice broke with a cry.

”dear essences ”, he stood on the edge of a ravine one he could cross. He was crying in Earnest now he was gonna make it. He could hear the mob getting closer, they were gonna catch him and drag him back to that hell of a home.”not on the essences” he decided with a voice of steal turning his back to the ravin he could at the approaching mob specifically the one he had called a friend.

With a rude gesture to them, he stepped back letting gravity do its work. The wind ruffled his lavender hair as he fell as he watched the silver sky get farther and farther away. Holding the, infant closing his eyes he sung a lullaby for the last time. or so he thought.

potential manger found...transporting!

SMACK

Rim winced as he hit ground, ”that hurt a lot less then u thought.” opening his eyes he released he was no longer in the ravine, ”well we're still together!” rocking the sturring baby he looked around. ”You know I never thought about where I would go when I dead?”

You are not dead, you have been transported to the hospital between realms.

”oh, okay then...well thank you for the save. But why” he could be leave the voice that was coming from everywhere saved him just because.

You have potential to fill a vacant position in the hospital.

”i see!” he really didn't. But before he could ask more the child he carried woke up crying.” really now you wake up, after everything” he just couldn't believe it as he rocked the child. Rim quickly figured that he didn't need a change and he wasn’t hungry ’okay then why is he crying.’

As rim tried to figure it out he continued to rock him.”~time passes but my love never changes~” the singing seemed to help but he didn't go back to sleep but it would have to do.”so what position do you want me to fill?” the everywhere voice response promptly

manger

Somehow it sounds hopeful but he has one question, ”what if a say no?”

you will be transported to the other side of the ravine

Well, that was nice, ”all I have is on my person. Becoming the manager of this hospital seems like a good way to start over, so what do I have to do?”

Follow the glowing orbs

Before he could ask the happy voice what orbs, reveal glowing orbs dropped from the ceiling. Rim started in winder as the baby copied and reached for them. When the floated away rim was knocked from his trance and followed after them.

He wasn't sure how long he walked with his aching feet. But he knew two things, this place was like and it was dirty as hell. As forcing himself to move for so long he was glad to see the orbs stop in front of a door. Grabbing the handle he pushed the door open and almost shut it back seeing the mess inside.

Covering the baby's mouth along with his own. rim opened the door and was hit by a wall of dust and smells. The only clean thing in the room was a faint shining crystal on a filthy desk.

Place a hand on the crystal

Reading himself rim places the little one down before doing as instructed. ”o-” he fainted not a moment later.

”ugh” he woke sometime later to the tot’s wails. but try as he could he couldn't move his limbs much less stand. He tried to sing from where he was but barely a groan left his lips.’what am I supposed to do!’

Charge complete, generator at 5%, activating assistance nurses

Wonder what that meant rim continued to try and calm the baby only for three somethings to enter the room. They looked like the top half of skeletons, the fact they floated didn’t make them less creepy. For a moment rim thought he was going to have to fight them only for two to help him up while the third calm crying.” assistance nurses I’m guessing?” the two living benign were carried out of the dusty office. Carried through the halls noted leat ten more of the assistance nurse cleaning up.

There were three in the room he was carried into, it was cleaner than the rest of the hospital but still very dirty. He was laid on a mildly clean bed while the infant was rocked, the everywhere voice told him to rest he would need to regather streach before anything else.” all right, I’ll rest for now” the moment he closed his eye he was out like a light.

A week, seven days. That how long it took for him to from whatever the voice asked him to do. In that week he learned about the place he inhabited, the hospital between realms built by someone who didn’t wish to be remembered. He made it with one purpose treat everyone no matter what, nothing matters in this hospital for all. It was his life’s work but even he wasn’t unaware of it complete potential.

The voice was the hospital itself, it only gained the ability to speak after its creator’s death. It al encountered a problem afterward, it took much power to run the place. It took some time to find the right source of power spirit the power inside of people. It spent years with the help of its creator friend finding the best way to use this.

The crystal in the mangers office was that result, well part of it. A generator was built that would take the small bit of spirit and turn it into enough power to run the hospital.” so I’m a fuel source?”

No, people are something I don’t understand. Plus there are limits to what I can do.

He was fine with that, even the hospital between realms needed help. Somehow that made him feel better about staying here as it manger. “So what needs to be done?” he had asked even though he could barely walk.

recruitment, people feel better then they are treated by other people. Along with other jobs that need to be filled.

Rim nodded in understanding before asking what kind of people they need. Until he could walk once they planned, but Rim was upset that the hospital wouldn’t let him out until he got heather. It took him pointing out they had no food, and what was in the hospital was on the verge of becoming inedible. Not to mention the kitchen need many repairs along with other places. But the materials were needed, so he had to go and buy them. He was starting to see a problem the hospital had tunnel vision when it came to healing people.

I can only transport you to where a grabbed you

Apparently, the spatial information of the hospital was outdated, but that was fine rim could work with the valley. So after kissing the baby goodbye he was in the valley,” okay then” tightening the bracelet the hospital gave him rim got started climbing. At the top of the valley, he laid on the ground,” shit that was shit” he could barely feel his lungs and don’t get him started on his limbs.

He fell asleep in that spot only to be woken by something liking his face,” AAHh” missing whatever it was rim rolled to his hands and knees looking around. It was a pet judging from the collar and from how well feed and healthy it looked, the pet lived close by. That meant village or at least a camp where he could get directions.

It turned out to be a small city, he didn’t recognize the name. Then again he wasn’t sure how far he traveled while running from that persistent mob.’ i need a map,’ but he had no money so for now. “I have to solve that problem,” maybe he could find work in this city. Anyway, he needs to explore for now.

Hours passed before he found something helpful a poster, evergreen academy. “Holy shit!” he knew this school, it was known for its medical teachings. More so it was more than a million miles from his home village. ‘Well distance aside I can use this, I bet at least one graduate requires a job.’ looking closer at the flyer he found that date before realizing he had no idea what that day was.

Asking a helpful old lady he learned the date, he had three days before graduation. That was plenty of time to start fixing up the hospital. “There a garden so I should get seeds,” those were probably cheap and maybe he could find a job. He found his way to the shopping district of the city and while he didn’t find any seeds he did find something useful.

Garbage

Food garbage to be more specific, remain of fruits and vegetables that were used when cooked or sold. Parts that could be used to regrow whole ones.’ and he said listing to that useless!’ gather up all he could carry and ignoring the looks with practiced ease. Arms loaded he headed off into alleys away from the eyes,” I’m ready to come back”

The next moment RIm had returned to the hospital. An assistant nurse quickly relieved him of his burden.

Was your trip fruitful?

Rim nodded and gave the short version of what happened, then he explained the idea he had.

Yes, that can be done, but I do not know-how.

“I have an idea how it’s done,” he then explains what he knew as the asinine nurses headed to the mostly cleaned out garden. Following the instructions, it was given meanwhile Rim sighed. when the hospital asked what was wrong he explains what the lack of funds was causing. It didn’t know what the people of the current era valued. Rim assured I that would figure something out. For now, he was going to wash up then play around with the baby,’ he probably misses me.’

After washing up in the bathroom that still needs to be repaired but at least was clean. He got dressed in his only pair of clothes. He followed some glowing balls to where the infant was playing with an assistant nurse. He watched a bit enjoying the baby’s laughter, that when something accord to him.” I have given them their temporary name?!” rim culture dictated that a parent gave their child a temporary name until there 12 birth anniversary where they chose there own.

But before he could get the chance to think about that he had to run. “I shouldn’t think of that... she had wanted to call you sol. Causes your our little sun.”

#oneshot #my writing

[rolandfontana]

“Important Tips” for Protecting Your IP from China

Ron Hesse of GlobalAutoIndustry.com recently interviewed Fred Rocafort — one of our firm’s China lawyers — on “Important Tips for Protecting Your IP from China.”

Per GlobalAutoIndustry.com, the 14 minute interview focused on the following:

• With regards to IP, what are the most serious IP-related risks faced by U.S. and other foreign companies when doing business in China? • Are there any essential steps that foreign companies must take in order to protect their IP in China? • Can foreign companies expect fair treatment when dealing with Chinese law enforcement and courts? • Are any of your recommendations applicable in countries other than China, such as alternative manufacturing destinations in Southeast Asia?

I so loved the description of Fred that I cannot resist repeating much of it below:

About Fred Rocafort: Fred is an Attorney with HarrisBricken who focuses on international IP, and customs & trade issues.

Fred is a former diplomat who joined Harris Bricken after more than a decade of international legal experience, primarily in China, Vietnam, and Thailand. His wide range of experience includes starting and operating his own business in Asia, working as an in-house counsel for a Hong Kong-based multinational, as well as many years as a State Department official, providing a client-centric perspective to his legal work.

Fred began his career overseas as a U.S. vice-consul in Guangzhou, China, adjudicating thousands of visa applications and advocating for fairer treatment of American companies and citizens in China and for stronger anti-counterfeiting enforcement. After entering the private sector, Fred worked at a Shanghai law firm as a foreign legal advisor and later joined one of the oldest American law firms in China. He also led the legal team at a Hong Kong-based brand protection consultancy, spending most of his time out in the field, protecting clients against counterfeiters and fraudsters from Binh Duong to Buenos Aires.

Fred is an ardent supporter of FC Barcelona—and would be even in the absence of Catalan forebears who immigrated to Puerto Rico in the mid-1800s. An avid explorer of Hong Kong’s countryside, he now spends much of his free time discovering the Pacific Northwest’s natural charms.

The below is Fred’s interview, but to capture all of its tones and nuances, I urge you to go here and give it a full listen.

Ron Hesse: Welcome to the globalauto industry.com audio interview series. I’m Ron Hesse and today I’m interviewing Fred Roca forward. Fred is an attorney with Harris Bricken whoo focuses on international IP and customs/trade issues. Today’s topic is important tips for protecting your IP from China. How are you doing Fred?

Fred Rocafort: Good, Ron. It’s a pleasure to be on your podcast. Thanks for having me.

Ron Hesse: You’re welcome. Let’s get started. Let me start off with this Fred, with regards to IP, what are the most serious IP related risks faced by U.S. and other foreign companies when doing business in China?

Fred Rocafort: The first risk is the one I think most people think of right away, which is a potential loss of revenue both from customers who unwittingly buy fake products but also from from those who for whatever reason, find that purchasing a fake is an acceptable compromise. This may be because they’re buying a shirt or shoes and then they’re more most concerned with sending out a particular image, but in other cases it may be a misunderstanding of what the genuine product can achieve as compared to a fake one. So this would be the case perhaps of something like a phone charger. In addition to that, they’re so related to risk the form of brand dilution. If you have too many fakes out in the market, some customers may decide it’s simply not worth paying for the real thing.

They may feel that the fakes out there take away some of the prestige, some of the cachet from the genuine articles. And they think there’s no point in buying the genuine product because people might assume it’s fake. You also have reputational costs. If a user or especially someone unwittingly using a counterfeit product has problems with the quality of the product, if there are any accidents or injuries resulting from the use of the counterfeits, the reputational impact might still fall on the genuine brand, especially if you cannot determine with clarity that it was indeed a fake product. And finally, and there is the risk — which is becoming more severe actually as we enter this new period with China — the risk of industrial espionage.

And of course this sometimes is carried out by commercial rivals who want to a copy products or use them as part of their own development processes. But in the case of China, there is the very real risk that these efforts could be aided by government authorities, for example, in the form of inspections that are going to be taking place there — new cybersecurity measures. So there’s a whole host of risks against which foreign companies must protect themselves. Are there any essential steps foreign companies must to protect their IP in China? Yeah, certainly. The first, and this might seem obvious to some people, but the first step is to register your IP in China. Again, this might seem like something obvious like, well of course if you want to protect your trademark, if you want to protect your patents, you have to register them.

But many would be surprised to discover that many foreign companies fail to register their IP in places like China for example. They might feel that because they’re not planning to to sell in China they do not need to register their IP there. However, in those cases you are exposed to what we call bad faith registrations by people who have nothing to do with your brand. And this can lead to another risk — the risk of detentions and seizures by customs when the products are being exported. If you have not registered a trademark but someone else has, as far as Chinese law is concerned, they [not you] . are the legitimate owner of the IP and your products using that IP can be seized at the Chinese border.. In addition to registering the IP with China’s patent and trade office you should also register your IP registration with China customs.

And then the same way you would do it here in the U.S., it’s essentially a two step approach. You, you have to obtain legal title if you will, but then you also have to inform the enforcement authorities of your problem and your desire to get them to help you out with enforcement. Registration is very important, but it’s just a start. It’s also critical to cooperate with law enforcement and facilitate their efforts, and also with the courts. Again, this might seem like an obvious thing to do, but again it is surprising to see foreign companies fail to cooperate efficiently. They don’t respond to requests, for example, from authorities for assistance with identifying products with to determine if they are in fake or not.

If the seizure figures are low, some foreign companies feel it’s really not worth their trouble to prepare all the documentation. But this is counterproductive. And finally, don’t ignore your own backyard. Basically this means the idea here is to guard against internal risks that may actually be a lot more harmful than external risks. We’re talking about things like, like leakage, whether it’s intentional or whether simply you’re allowing back doors that allow outside parties to come in take your design files or facilitate their own efforts to copy your product to then make a product that competes against yours. So, it’s very important to audit your own facilities and your own suppliers with an eye to makin sure there are no problems contributing to the counterfeiting problem.

Foreign companies expect fair treatment when dealing with Chinese law enforcement and courts. Based on my own experience with China’s courts I can tell you that they regularly handed down judgments in favor of my foreign clients. Perhaps in some instances the damages  were not that spectacular from the point of view of U. S. plaintiffs who are used to more generous awards.

In China, it’s important to be careful when litigating in some of the economically less developed areas where judges might be more sensitive to social pressures and they might be hesitant to impose damage awards, especially when the plaintiff is a large multinational. Obviously political winds can also play a role. In the current environment it’s probably fair to say that at least some Chinese judges would think they would stand to lose if they were to side with a U.S. firm against a, a local defendant. Another thing to remember is that while some parts of China — especially the larger cities like Beijing and Shanghai — have specialized IP courts where the judges feel very comfortable tackling the issues surrounding intellectual property, many areas do not. Judges that deal with very few IP related cases might apply legal reasoning that perhaps works when dealing with a different kind of case, but not with with IP.

Ron Hesse:  Are any of your recommendations applicable in countries other than China such as alternative manufacturing destinations in Southeast Asia?

Fred Rocafort: Definitely. On the one hand, the, the legal IP protection framework in China is more robust really than in places like Vietnam and Cambodia, especially if you’re looking at the protections as they exist on paper. However, one thing we always point out to clients is that that’s not the full picture. You also have to consider the actual likelihood of someone — let’s say your supplier or one of your own employees actually going in and stealing your IP. And you also have to consider things such as the ease of finding another manufacturing facility that will very quickly be able to copy  whatever material, whatever prototypes, whatever designs are brought to them. In this regard, I think it’s fair to say that the IP risks in China are still greater than in places like Southeast Asia.

Fred Rocafort: All of these tips, all of these recommendations that I provided, by and large apply to all these destinations. Registering your IP is something you need to do no matter where you are and no matter where you are it makes sense to work with local law enforcement. Something that is also true across the board is the need to protect your own facilities. It may be the case that you’re manufacturing in a country that doesn’t have much of a counterfeiting problem. However, if there are weaknesses at your supplier’s facility — if it is possible to get access to your sensitive designs the counterfeiting groups will figure out a way to get access to that. Right? I mean, if it’s easier for them to go to another country and work with employees there to support a counterfeiting operation, they’ll do it. Crime nowadays is international. Criminal groups are perhaps some of the most adept organizations when it comes to working across borders. So pretty much everything that you’d be doing in China to protect your IP, you should be doing in other countries that are becoming popular manufacturing destinations.

Ron Hesse: Excellent points. Thank you for your great insight, Fred. And that concludes today’s audio interview. Everyone have a wonderful day.

“Important Tips” for Protecting Your IP from China syndicated from https://immigrationattorneyto.wordpress.com/