#reluctant hug idv

[vidaflxwer]

just a little vent under the cut, you don’t have to read it, just trying to sort some things out in my head.

i really don’t know if i want to be involved with the promised neverland fandom anymore.

i’ve met some really wonderful people through it - my girlfriend, namely, and a lot of other friends i adore - but i don’t know. it doesn’t bring me as much joy as it used to, and certain people are making me very upset, or have made me upset in the past. there’s also the matter of me still not being able to come to terms with the manga being over, and being unable to look at a lot of fanart because of it. it feels like such a big part of me was torn away from me, and i’m scrambling to find the magic the manga once gave me back, but i just can’t.

i love norman still, don’t get me wrong. he’s the one reason i’m extremely reluctant to leave the fandom for good, because i love talking about him. i love having people who like tpn to talk about him with. but i get exhausted seeing so much norman hate. i’ve tried blocking every single thing i could think to block, but i don’t want to eliminate norman content entirely from my dash. and this isn’t me saying you can’t hate norman. it’s quite the opposite, actually. i just want to distance myself from it, so i don’t have to deal with it. you can hate norman as much as you want, it just hurts me to see because he’s truly the one character i’ve been able to fully relate to, flaws and all. 

in all honesty, i’ve just felt horrible lately. i’ve latched onto idv for comfort because i’m extremely miserable and elisop fics are genuinely one of my main sources of serotonin right now. and i get scared about posting about idv more, because i don’t want to bother people with it. that’s why i’ve kind of taken almost a hiatus from tumblr lately, because i’m worried about bothering people with my idv bullshit. or my yuri manga bullshit, because that’s the only other interest i have, clearly. i haven’t been able to write properly in a while - and the one fic i was working on, my brain just stopped functioning so i haven’t been able to finish it - and it’s exhausting. it’s really fucking exhausting. 

i don’t really know what the point of this vent is but i just don’t feel like myself and i want to be able to look at norman post-canon fanart without feeling like i have a gaping hole in my heart because it all makes me so sad. i probably just need a break from everything for a while, and to take a little vacation for myself and just do things completely unrelated to everything that’s been stressing me out, but then i’m gonna feel so much guilt for wasting time and it’s awful. it’s really fucking awful. i want a hug. and for my brain to shut the fuck up because i’m so tired. i’m really tired.

maybe someday it’ll let me take a break but i don’t think today’s that day.

#mei vents #in case anyone worries about me #yes i'm okay #i promise #i might not seem okay but i am #you don't need to worry about me #i'll be fine

[dissidiawol]

haha hey idv mutuals do any of u have reluctant hug