#redglyphs

[vermillioncrown]

i can't talk about specifics bc too detailed, but tldr:

everyone started off w saying the presentation was good

my advisor actually called my presentation "immaculate"

answered every question to the point we had off-the-books (not for corrections, but for curiosity) discussion

holy fucking shit i was standing for three hours straight (1 h 50 m non-stop verm infodump lmao, then 1 h of closed questioning, and then another 10-20 m of committee deliberation)

(to put into scope: defense presentations should aim to be 60-75 mins at most and 15 min questions)

(everyone agreed it actually needed the whole time bc of the sheer scale of the work)

the committee all agreed that the work is a very big contribution w immense practicality to the field

i just need to finish the document, add their suggested corrections, and that's fucking it 😎😎😎😎😎

=====

what does that mean for fanfic?

well. i need to prioritize my corrections bc uh lol my job deadline is by the end of the month

but i think i'll have enough bandwidth to be creative again, so likely i'll be writing and noodling as i make those corrections, so no promises but we'll see if anything gets posted

#academic jerky #redglyphs #i have my Preferred/Precise Hill to Die on 🎺🎺🎺🎺 #last night i felt like i was going to fucking die from anxiety #i see it really depends on the person bc i know some ppl (a lot of my friends) felt so dead afterwards #i feel like i could fight a god and rip their dick off rn #like holy shit. holy fucking shit i made it! #no one has to call me dr verm tho...i'm just some guy (affectionate) to you all and i like it that way

[koooolaaaaa]

Bigger ver. of the requests.

Currently I’m still figuring out the composition of the next TF Femme zine submission. Hence the hiatus. Still I hope to deliver some of the sketches in the future!

#transformers animated #maccadam #ratchet #arcee #glyph #red alert #ratchcee #redglyph #cocosart #romo / #pda /

[luisamariatraumer]

Meeting 30 Seconds to Mars (Ecuador - Parte 4)

This is a true story. Not a fan-fiction.

These are real events which happened on October 7th, 2014 in Quito, Ecuador.

It is written in Spanish. Summaries in English Here and Here

___________________________________________

Otra vez tuvimos que ponernos en fila india. Esta vez para la foto con el grupo, que por cierto, fue individual. Así es, no nos dejaron posar a las dos en una misma foto. Aunque analizándolo bien, creo que fue lo mejor porque pudimos tener nuestro momento especial.  Esta vez era mi turno de ir primera.  Las dos nos quitamos los lentes y quedamos literalmente ciegas.   

Caminé rápidamente pero con cierto temor hacia ellos. No quería tropezarme y hacer el ridículo. Apenas veía sombras. Finalmente llegué al lado derecho de Shannon. Con una voz dulce e inocente le dije a mi amado las siguientes palabras: “Shannon, could you hug me, please?” Él me contestó con un tono muy amable: “Sure”

Esa voz. Su voz!  Como me cautiva. No pude oler su perfume pero sentí sus manos cálidas en mi espalda. Sentí como acercó su cabeza hacia la mía. Sentí su aliento. Sentí el calor que emanaba de su cuerpo. Yo solo atine a agarrar suavemente su cintura y sacar mi mejor sonrisa.

  Al ver los resultados en la foto estoy más que satisfecha. La sonrisa y los ojos de Shannon son lo mejor de este planeta. Sus abrazos son los más sinceros. Parecemos novios (jijijiji). Alcancé a decir gracias, me coloqué mis lentes y empecé a ir de espalda hacia atrás. No quería perderme el momento.

Finalmente era el turno de mi hermana gemela para su foto.  Todo fue tan rápido pero a la vez muy divertido. Corrió rápidamente hacia Jared gritando su nombre. Literalmente gritó “JAREEEEDDD!!!!” y lo agarró fuertemente de su cintura. Sus uñas estaban clavadas en la camisa roja a cuadros del Sr. Leto. Él lo único que alcanzó a decir fue: “PooPoo!!!!” jajajajjajaaja!!!

¿Por qué dijo eso? Pues porque mi hermana llevaba en su mano derecha al famoso RedGlyph Bear. Buddha the Bear, como yo  lo llamo. O simplemente PooPoo, según Jared. En verdad él se alegró muchísimo al ver el detalle de mi hermana

Clic! La foto fue tomada.

Mi hermana y yo nos alejamos. Tomamos asiento en las butacas del teatro. Foto grupal. Era hora de la despedida.

Los chicos empezaron a salir del pequeño escenario. Algunas personas y yo empezamos a gritar “TOMO!!!!” Él nos vio y se despidió con una sonrisa y su mano haciendo un gesto de adiós. Ojalá me haya visto.

Y se me iba mi amorcito. Mi Shannon.

Grité lo más duro que pude: “SHANNON!!!!!”.Me vio desde lo más lejos y nos despedimos. Pensé que ese sería el último contacto. Qué equivocada estaba!

Volvimos a hacer fila india para entrar al Ágora. Todo iba normal hasta que de la nada Shannon Leto salió a saludar a la gente que estaba afuera del recinto. Pasó dos veces frente a  nosotras. En la primera mi hermana  le agarró el antebrazo y yo apenas pude tocar sus dedos con los míos. Estaba desprevenida. La gente estaba como loca. Entonces Shannon pasó por segunda vez frente a nosotros.

Ahora fue ÉL quien me agarra de mi antebrazo izquierdo con su mano derecha. Su mano fuerte pero a la vez cálida me agarró. Estaba extasiada. Solamente alcancé a decir: “Here we go again, baby!”.

Él sonrió.

 Aquí está la prueba!

Y esa fue la última vez que lo tuve junto a mí. Nunca fui tan feliz.

Lo tuve frente a mí, sus ojos contactaron con los míos por varias ocasiones. Así me estaba mirando, así con esos ojazos:

QUE HERMOSOS OJOS, CARAJOOOO!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Él no paraba de mirarme durante las preguntas. LO JURO!!!!.

Baby Shannon was staring at me!!!!

OMFG!!!!!

AAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

HELL YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

No puedo!!!! Nunca lo voy a superar!!!!! NUNCA!!!

Y yo no paraba de contemplar sus hermosos ojos pardos y su paquete, el cual sus pantalones blancos no podían disimular (uyuyuyyyy!!!).

Me tocó.

Me abrazó.

Me dijo que me amaba.

Por unos instantes él fue mío y yo fui suya. Nadie más existía en el universo.  Éramos Shannon y yo.

  Martes, 7 de Octubre del 2014. Nueve y veinte de la noche.  La luna roja oscurece el cielo de Quito.

IT’S SHOWTIME!!!

  FIN

#thirty seconds to mars #30 seconds to mars #30stm #mars in ecuador #mars in latinamerica #mars in southamerica #marsinecuador #lovelustfaithdreamstour #love lust faith dreams tour #mars memories #marsmemories #tomo miličević #jared leto #shannon leto #shangirl #eyes #true story #dreams come true #ecuador #meet & greet #meet and greet #adventures in wonderland #echelon

[vermillioncrown]

i always think about this whenever i see a post about SIs but never end up articulating it (not my post, no energy, lost in the semantics)

-> not really into the twee-ass way people try to justify SIs like "you can write yourself being cool and badass, everyone finding you hot, cringe is dead" because it misses a huge point

you can't always be cool and badass. you can't always be likeable. and yet you still exist, do things, and experience life through your highs and lows. aren't those parts also worth acknowledging and talking about? if you only want to curate yourself or project a fantasy, that's okay--but wouldn't it be nice if your worst bits can still find empathy and support? or at the very least, still be interesting enough for others to consider?

#redglyphs #opinionated verm #no one ever says this. they always jump to the oft-implied wish-fulfillment power fantasy idea of an SI #and on cringe: it comes down to implementation/execution of your concept #the blah blah ''no idea is bad by itself. but there are plenty of ways to badly execute an idea'' or whatever #and even 'bad' is loaded--ineffective. unfocused. #inner pedant can't help but will out whenever i see any pithy online thing about writing: ''fucking be precise''

[vermillioncrown]

life progress so fucking real now. i know i've said "haha i'll finish my dissertation by end of year 202X" multiple times now but legit. i need to or i can't have my job lmao

so, i likely won't be (i really shouldn't be) updating any of my fics for the rest of the year.

seriously. if you see me updating on ao3 you gotta metaphorically beat me back to my thesis w a stick. when i have a legit job w real hours and a work-life balance, then we'll have ALL the fic

but i won't be hanging you all out to dry--roz and i will always be throwing ideas in chat, i'm down to always answer stuff or drop snippets (in fact, there's a snippet for ands i want to write that's vivienne's encounter with tim) so yeah!

#redglyphs

[vermillioncrown]

my ppt is intense enough that my desktop is lagging ☠️

#and i have a gamer rig so that's. well. #redglyphs #the human mind really can get used to anything #heart has been casually racing and palpating for the last three weeks and brain is just 🤷 now #this mf presentation is 90+ slides long #tbf some of the slides are dupes bc i don't trust animations #so like. 70+

[vermillioncrown]

woke up from a nightmare dealing w the logistics of batarang manufacturing

#there's a budget so it does get purchased and manufactured somewhere #what are the NDAs involved? how do you get the custom tooling if it's automated? #who ships? what about the fancy batarangs w the shock or other utilities? #okay so my coughing woke me up but the adrenaline rush from the fantasy stress didn't help #redglyphs

[vermillioncrown]

forget the little person i have as my pfp, just imagine me as a little raccoon with huge glasses

everyone else in fandom is writing these cited metas about character interpretation and dynamics and chronologies

i'm rooting around their trash bins, muttering about the range of allowable orbits for the watchtower from a geopolitical standpoint based on possible launch sites

#opinionated verm #science shit #occasionally roz throws a saltine at me through the window #redglyphs

[vermillioncrown]

i have criticized the "unga bunga caveman application of methods" in front of my academic advisor, to his emphatic agreement

unfortunately i cannot write that phrase verbatim in my document

#redglyphs #academic jerky

[vermillioncrown]

so, what's up with korvin's parents?

they're just normal people. they just have their circumstances and korvin doesn't want people putting their ignorant opinions on them.

=

but what's really up with korvin's parents? (+ a deeper discussion on my other fics, why the SI MCs are the way they are)

Getting Real™️ warning: reading this might provide context that turns you off my fics.

if you want to keep enjoying light-hearted snark as it is, don't read. if you read this, i request you do not come to me to argue a contrary interpretation of my writing. i know where my brain worms come from, please and thank you.

===

They are stated to be undocumented persons in chapter 1. They intentionally abandoned Korvin in the US. Korvin's reaction is he does not want anyone's judgment on the situation, because chances are it will be 'well-intentioned' but without context, kinda racist and classist, and he's an adult in a kid's body. He gets the kind of pressure that he, as a 'weird kid', as who should be his parents' first-born son to make it in America, would put on his parents. There are no other relatives here to help. They are too poor to be careful parents and do more than financially support their child, just barely. Mental health and superstition are greatly tied in Chinese culture, so he also squicks them with his 'unnaturalness'.

Their choice to leave him in the US is a far-shot hope that while they can't support their kid properly, he'd at least be to stay as a Dreamer and somehow make it.

And how do you begin to explain all that to someone? And better yet, how do you control the gut clenching reaction to someone's judgment of your situation when there was no good choice? What if someone accuses you and your parents of taking advantage of the US legal system, as if you're cockroaches that don't 'deserve' where you are right now?

It's better to never leave an opening for someone to judge. Or if someone has to say something, you just smile and nod, because you usually can't afford to say anything back to them.

I don't make this blatant in the fic because that's 1) insensitive 2) I don't want to deal with people's ACTUAL ignorant opinions 3) it's kinda meta and ingrained for me to be circumspect about this stuff, even if it makes up an essential part of Korvin.

===

It's cosmic comedy, I think, that I'm doing an application that needs me to submit a statement on my academic interests and diversity within my professional career. What is my past experience with that? What is my future intent? How has this impacted my goal to join academia?

I'm almost 30. And growing up somewhere metropolitan, moving all over the country, interacting with people of many walks of life and knowing there are many more I don't interact with...I've been through a roller coaster of perspectives what makes a person distinct. Their distinctness isn't just personality, even if personality isn't so flimsy that a different day will change someone so completely. Yet, we're all shaped by where we come from. Our background, culture, class, sex, environment, etc.

This might be rather obvious, but over the years I've read fic I find that it's a quality and philosophy that doesn't come across often. I'll focus just on SI and OC-insert fics since that's the most relevant. Perhaps it's the type of fics I read, perhaps it's the fandoms, perhaps it's the demographic, perhaps we have too much practice in accepting some Everybody who is Everybody as a baseline regardless of how well that Everyone resonates with us personally.

Of course, not every fic is written for every audience. And different people will always have different perspectives. But I want you to ponder these metrics: I've read fanfic since 2003. Non-stop. I would average 20-50k words a week as a preteen, and ramped up from there. SI and OC make a big portion of what I engage with because I find it a fascinating examination of canon material using an external force, or something like that. They also have the potential to be deeply developed super quickly because we, as amateur authors, really can't help putting a lot of ourselves without filter into our creations. It can lead to polarizing feelings over them because of that.

It's been twenty years, and I can count on one hand the number of SI and OC fics where I legitimately felt that I understood where this character came from and they make sense to me. The rest...some I understood where they came from in the same way I need to empathize with the people around me so that I don't offend them. As a kid and teen, that meant ostracization and bullying. As a professional, it means missing opportunities, also getting bullied, being sabotaged, being used and tossed away. I have to show sympathy, bend my brain to see what makes them 'them' and see how sensible it is for them so that I can survive and thrive.

Some I had to accept that we either lived in vastly different realities in which such a character is sensible, and that's just the world we live in; or they're just bonkers. We move on.

I am compelled to write because I want to explore something that I find has not been explored. If it was already done to my satisfaction? I have literally felt my interest dip like a video game health bar in that situation.

My MCs as SIs cannot be divorced from my background. Ostensibly, that's the square-shaped brain with the math and engineering, the ADHD, and the internal snark. But those traits don't exist in a vacuum. Luckily my interests aligned with my parents' hopes and dreams for me as poor immigrants to the US and I am the first to have an advanced degree since my family has been wiped through the Cultural Revolution; though they were lucky enough to be sponsored by an aunt that married a missionary.

The ADHD was undiagnosed because god forbid I had Problems, "What do you mean Vermillion has problems? She's so bright! She never has to study! She has so much potential!" I have a brother who has problems, and both culturally American and Chinese I have been trained to Not Have Problems because I'm supposed to keep the household together. Plus, we're poor. We can't afford that! We're poor, we have family problems, AND our child has mental issues? They already say enough shit about Chinese people, jeeze.

The internal snark--it does hurt a bit inside whenever I see the reaction to my brand of humor in my fics as if it's meant to be expressed to tell people off, mic drop, actions having no consequences. You know what that is? It's coping. It's also developing the social wherewithal to be circumspect because your livelihood depends on it. And beyond just me, the internal pressure of carrying my family's expectations and wanting to not make their sacrifices in vain--that doubles the risk.

No fucking way do I mouth off without thinking (not since I was actually eight, and learning ever since), and that's why my characters are the way they are. We see a spectrum of them: Zhu Yunxun that needs to put up a front to maintain societal privilege and also is lucky to be born with money and lineage; SI!Taiga with money, physical + mental advantages, gender on his side, and talent; Lan Wenhui born into lineage, physical advantages, privilege, and talent, but still a woman; and now...Korvin Kwan with only the advantage of youth and male privilege. I am a point of departure for each of these and despite whatever gains that have been made with these new lives, I know myself well enough and have been burned before that it's instinctual to not grow into that privilege as if you've always had it.

Zhu Yunxun needs to walk a delicate tightrope of politics and intrigue and is wildly windmilling in the air, even if they're staying on.

SI!Taiga is so baffling to the Clown Gang because he doesn't act like a typical cocksure talented sports boy.

Lan Wenhui...she has her convolutions to be revealed.

Korvin is perpetually at the end of his fucking rope (like, what's Bat-WIng-Guy gonna do? Kill him for swearing? It'd at least cut out the middlemen for child trafficking), and just managed to trust Dick and Babs. Now that he has some sort of solid ground beneath him, that's where we get the chapter 4 code switching and masking.

Actions, and speaking is an action, have consequences and my SIs are me. They live with that philosophy.

We see ten million and one characters that like to loudly and boldly declare themselves, with the implication that they truly believe everything they say matters and will make a difference. They will be heard!

There's no catharsis for those who need to keep it in, where catharsis isn't actually worth it.

You might think: well, that's just on you. You choose to internalize this, you choose to make your family your pressure, you choose to not speak up--

And then I would point out, again, that culture and background makes people. Being diaspora, it influences what I find socially important. And it's even more important because I grew up poor. There's a realm of difference between the professional and well-off Chinese diaspora vs the ones that had to cram in the slums of Chinatown. My family was luckily not at the tail end, but we were nothing like the well-off (I'm lucky that we've essentially achieved the vaunted American Dream, now). To us growing up like that, family was your support network. Regardless of how shitty they are, what they do, the cost of cutting them out was rarely worth it.

And now that I've gone into my professional life--I'm lucky enough that I've either made others think they can't talk shit to my face, or my poker face was strong enough to survive the utter bullshit I've heard told to me like it was the weather. I thank them for their time, and I do what I need to do to navigate the situation. Usually, I don't have the power to do much but survive, so I did. And now, I've reached a point where 1) times are changing 2) I'm niche and competent enough that people are too busy listening to what I have to say than condescend me 3) I can shut them down if they do 4) the field I'm working in values circumspection as a whole.

===

Anyways, this is probably a big bubble burst for my fics. I know a lot of people enjoy them for the funnies, but the funnies come from somewhere. I think I build compelling characters and interpersonal relationships because I work to ground them in reality and what I know and have learned through my own experiences and needing to empathize with others.

My writing is my catharsis. Every time I'm able to resonate with someone out there, I'm happy if someone completely different from me can understand, and I'm even happier if I make another person like me feel seen.

Anyways, that's my kinda intense and sad TED talk, I need to go back to writing my application statement.

#opinionated verm #redglyphs #on tpac #on dbd #on bil #on larb

[vermillioncrown]

wakes up after playing bg3 for 12 hrs straight

who am i

what day is it

did i eat or drink

i think i need glasses for my glasses

#redglyphs #verm is playing... #i'm usually not into too much fantasy stuff #like i played me over da #also me dealing w the harsh reality that i can want to fuck astarion all i want #but i'm too honest and cautious for his taste... 😔 (when i play games i mean) #video game power fantasy: being a Good Dude that makes Wise Decisions™️ #i was supposed to finish ch 9 this weekend #(and implement new code for my math but eh)

[vermillioncrown]

reached the "damn i wish i could be my cat" part of the menty b

#redglyphs #more things change the more they stay the same #i remember going through that in ug w another friend #''could just shit in a box. always be fed. sleep wherever. praised for being so clever if i can open a door.''

[vermillioncrown]

i'll let myself post ch 10 as a final thing for the year before full steam ahead for defense

that is if i can finish writing it and stop getting distracted...

#redglyphs #if i don't finish by end of oct then that's that for the year ig

[vermillioncrown]

by this point, my frustration is justified--if i have:

1) already mentioned in multiple replies that a fic is on hiatus

2) bolded its status and my reasons in the end note

3) added the status and a warning that i will delete comments of the type in my summary

why do i still get asked whether or not i'll ever update again? and that's all they have to say?

becoming increasingly concerned there's a subset of bil readers that don't know how to read or pay attention in a hobby that requires reading comprehension and an attention span

#opinionated verm #redglyphs #also: not into the weird squicky mean-spirited or performative way that some readers take the humor #(which is 100% not meant to be and it's something i intentionally try to avoid) #or caring about the quips over everything else #it's just off-putting and frustrating to see #bc if they cared that much about the fic it's so easy to find WHY i've been busy #or like. at least drop a line beyond the superficial?? i don't need effusive praise or whatever. but it'd be nice to see signs of life #i legit feel like a dog doing tricks for treats with the general attitude from that fic's readership #there's a fromsoft-like meter that fills up to me deleting bil akin to incurring scarlet rot #it sucks bc i loved writing bil + sharing it + have plans to continue it #but it doesn't feel fun to know that rude and ignorant readers still get to enjoy something they had a part in ruining for me #really sucks. i'm not a popular author by any means but bil is my most popular fic by raw metrics-to-duration of posting #and if this is how it be then i never want to have anything more appealing than bil bc damn i'd lose all my hair lol #on bil

[vermillioncrown]

Should we be calling you ✨Dr. Verm✨ now??

super late congrats

🙈 thank u

no no no pls don't, like i said in an earlier ask, i find it kinda gauche to force ppl on the internet to call me that bc it's not relevant in our day-to-day of tungling on this webbed site

(yes yes there's the feminist argument of fighting for the acknowledgment, but my real name is not attached to this blog and god fucking forbid it ever is, so it renders dr whomstever moot)

#inquiry #Anonymous #redglyphs #academic jerky #i won't stop ppl from calling me that as a joke but i do not expect it #it's that you guys have literally been here since i was in the middle of The Suffering that you all know lol

[vermillioncrown]

we might fucking make it boys

ch 1: 32 pgs

ch 2: 60 pgs

ch 3: 44 pgs

ch 4: 48 pgs

45k words so far

#redglyphs #experiment 1 is as done as i care for #finishing experiment 2 #and then i gotta pull the final demo out of my ass but whatever! #every phd friend rn: haha fucking make it up it's all in your mind that's the phd lessgooooo #academic jerky #...oh i gotta write up the last three chs on the experiments but those are forgivable #bc the first four chs are the logic and research to justify the experiements