#really hope my meds can work or at least hope my next doctor can help me get on something more appropriate to my needs

[thisnightissparkling089]

Update on my lungs under the cut. People should only have to be subjected to this health update if they want to, mainly because it's a lot😅

I had a second opinion appointment 2 weeks ago in the (what feels like) never ending quest to figure out what the hell is happening with my lungs and if this can be fixed.

My first pulmonologist wanted to do a lung biopsy. Which is a major surgery and a lengthy recovery, not to mention incredibly expensive.

I just heard back from my new dr, and he has finally reviewed the scans and feels the next steps should be a bronchoscopy and a bronchoalveolar lavage.

The bronchoscopy is a procedure where a thin lighted tube is placed down my throat and into my lungs to get a better view of my lungs and what is happening with them.

The lavage procedure releases saline into my lungs, suctions it back out, and that sample is then sent out to be tested.

Both should be able to done in the same procedure, under light anesthesia.

I continue to hope that whatever this is is something that can be reversed or at the very least better controlled.

The main issues I have is that it's hard to properly take a deep breath without pain. Like you just sucked down a slurpee, and your chest feels ice cold. That and the fact that my oxygen levels will drop doing basic things. I could take a bath and between getting out of the tub and getting dressed, my oxygen levels could drop into the 80's, sometimes even into the 70's.

The procedures will be scheduled for sometime in the coming weeks, hopefully early to mid May.

He asked if I had any questions, and the one I do have that no one can seem to give me a straight answer on is if I will die. Because any time I google something, it's like, you have 3-5 years to live, congratulations! 🙄

He of course couldn't give a definitive answer, but did his best to try and reassure me that he doesnt really think death is iminate from this within the next 5 years and he's hopeful we can either fix or better control this. But until we get a full view of the lungs, it's hard to know exactly what's happening.

It occurred to me on Saturday that I've actually been depressed for weeks now and just couldn't see it because it's presenting a lot differently now than it previously has.

Typically when I'm depressed I can't even get out of bed. I can't eat, I sleep all the time, I feel empty, I cry.

This time around it's so different. I feel like I'm overeating, I can get up, go out with friends, work fine. But I'm also struggling to fall asleep and stay asleep and such little tasks such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, washing my hair, etc. Feel so overwhelming I can't even think about them.

I was able to get an appointment this morning with my primary doctor and got back on my medication. I'd previously been off it for 2 years and was doing well, but this whole lung issue has thrown me for a loop, especially since it's lasted as long as it has.

I know there is no shame in seeking help and getting back on my meds. I also know that it doesn't mean I'll have to be on them for the rest of my life.

Right now I'm just taking everything day by day and am so grateful to be surrounded by such supportive people and have a space where I can vent.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading and listening💜

#life update #personal

[americaswritings]

When we fall | Part 3

Warnings (for all parts): Fluff, angst, description of injuries and blood, gun use, cursing, probably unaccurate policing/medicine

Summary: You moved to Chicago to start a new life. Working as a doctor alongside your brother Connor you make new friends and although you swore to yourself not to let any man in your life at least for a while, your promises fail when you lock eyes with a handsome stranger in a bar.

Words: 6k

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Doctor!Rhodes!reader

A/N: And here is the last part of the short series. The events are inspired by a chicago med ep. I really hope you enjoyed it :)

Part 1 | Part 2

“We’ll take care of you and your daughter.” You smiled at your patient reassuringly, noticing someone moving towards you in corner of your eye. Turning your head you saw a man with tousled hair standing at the threshold, his eyes almost hazy as his gaze skipped around the room.

“Where’s Leah?!”, he barked out, his eyes only focused on your patient. Your gaze flickered towards her, taking in the fear in her eyes and the gasp that left her lips. “Jake? How did you find us here?”, she whispered, oblivion dripping from her voice.

“Did you really think you could just leave and take our daughter with you? She’s my daughter too!” He took a threatening step closer, eyes narrowed. “Now, where is she?!”

Your patient’s breathing had quickened and a look at the heart monitor told you she was about to have a panic attack. “Sir, I need you to calm down and take a step back”, you said forcefully, drawing his attention on you. His eyes jumped to you, anger brimming in them.

“Like hell I will! I’m taking my wife and my kid home now!” Your eyes flickered towards the nurse, giving her a little nod to signal her to call the security service, before you met his again. “I can see you’re upset. But your wife and your daughter are sick. They need treatment and rest-”

“Shut up!” You flinched as he yelled at you, his loud voice alarming multiple people around you. “Everything okay in here?” Will appeared at the door, his eyes scanning the room until they landed at yours, staying there as he waited for an honest answer.

The man shook his head furiously, but he took a step back. You almost exhaled in relief. “I want to see my daughter! Now!”, he demanded, but before anyone could gave him an answer, he turned and ripped open the curtain to the next room.

You heard squeals, alarmed voices mixing with the sound of another curtain being ripped open. “Sir, I need you to leave now!” Will leaned forward to grab the man’s shoulder when suddenly he yanked out a gun, twisting around and pointing it right at Will’s chest.

A gasp escaped you as you watched Will stumble back, his hands raised. “Look man, we’re just trying to help, okay?” But the man, Jake, didn’t seem to hear any of it, his eyes filled with hatred and something that scared you even more; desperation and determination. A dangerous combination.

He wouldn’t leave until he got what he wanted.

“What’s going on here?” You heard Connor’s voice, saw him step out of a patient’s room and move towards the intruder. From his angle he couldn’t see the gun, couldn’t know the severity of the situation.

“Connor, no!” Your legs moved forward at the same time as the man turned around, the gun pointed at your brother. Everything seemed to happen so fast and in slow-motion at once as your body reacted purely on instinct, the fear for your brother carrying you forward.

You didn’t know if he meant to pull the trigger or if it was out of reflex, but you had no time to think about it as a shot rang out.

You would have screamed, but no sound left your mouth as the impact hit you, sending your body tumbling backwards until it hit the wall. Only moments before your feet had carried you forward, but now they suddenly couldn’t take your weight anymore, your body sinking to the ground.

Around you screams were erupting, but they sounded drowned out, as if you were underwater. Your name was being called, but it all seemed to blend into a haze.

You tried to peek at where you felt a sudden pressure in your body, shock mixing with confusion as you saw blood staining your clothes. Just seconds ago you had been standing in a patient’s room and now you were on the ground, your own blood pooling around your feet. It didn’t make sense.

From the periphery of your eye you saw people running. Some moved towards you, but most of them the opposite way. Away. They were running away.

And they were pushing, tripping, falling over each other. “Put down the gun!” You saw one of the security men approach, his own gun drawn at the attacker. Another shot cut through the atmosphere, but to your horror it was the security man that fell, blood splattering from a wound to his front.

“Everyone just back off!”

Jake’s sharp voice snapped you out of your shock and all at once reality hit you. Pain sank in, slowly at first and then in a stream of hot sensations. Tears formed in your eyes at the burning pain and you grit your teeth, trying to will it away, because you knew you needed to be aware of what happened next.

Lifting your head slightly you found the ER had mostly cleared out, only a few people remaining. Among them were Will and Connor, both of their bodies’ turned towards you in a way that suggested they had tried to get to you, their hands raised.

“Just let me get to my sister, okay? I’m a doctor and she needs help.” You stared at Connor, seeing the panic he tried to restrain as he appealed to the man reasonably. Jake’s eyes flickered towards you, hesitance written over his face.

“You didn’t want this to happen, do you?” Connor asked, his voice strained. “So let me make this better. Let me help.” He was pleading now and another wave of panic filled you as you realized he was only mere seconds away from doing something reckless.

For a moment you thought you were going to throw up from the sickness that cursed through your body, but you feared you wouldn’t even be able to move your body in the state you were in.

Jake let out a frustrated breath, gesturing towards you with his gun. “Okay. Okay!” Connor rushed over to you immediately, his concerned eyes meeting yours. “Are you okay? How do you feel? Can you tell me where you’ve been hit?”

You tried to follow his questions, your mind spinning. Instead of an answer you let out a groan as Connor found your wound, pressing down on it. “We need to stop the bleeding.”

Now that he was here by your side a weakness took over your body and you welcomed it. Welcomed the dark, because it felt easier to lean into it than fight it. But it never swallowed you. As much as you wished you could just pass out, the pain didn’t end, keeping you caged in your body.

You didn’t need to ask him how serious your condition was. The urgency in Connor’s movement alone was enough for you to confirm it was bad, the seeping hot pain a further indicator.

You saw Jake still waving his gun around, speaking in an animated tone with Will and Maggie. To your left someone had crouched down next to the security guard and you felt a flicker of relief when you saw it was Ethan.

A cough rose up your throat and your body shook, sending an ache through you. When you wiped your mouth you noticed your skin had turned red.

“No, no, no”, your brother whispered, his eyes frantic. “Connor”, you said, your voice a little hoarse. He paused for a moment, both of you locking eyes in a quiet exchange. “I’m scared”, you whispered, feeling a few tears escape your eyes.

Connor swallowed, his eyes filled with desperation. “I know”, he leaned closer, “But you will be okay. I will fix it, okay?.”

You nodded slowly, needing to cling to his words. To hold onto the reminder that you would be okay. That your life wasn’t over when you hadn’t even started fully living yet.

It didn’t make sense. You had woken up a few minutes before your alarm clock, had been in an oddly good mood as you had gotten ready for work and even your patients had been unusually patient and grateful. Today was a good day. Not a day that could turn into such a catastrophe in the blink of an eye.

This didn’t happen. Maybe in books or on tv. But not here, not to people like you.

“Hey!” Dr. Goodwin appeared in your vision, bending down to Connor and you. “What’s the status?” You hadn’t seen her before, but knowing she was here already gave you a sparkle of hope. As the hospital’s executive director it was her job to find solutions, even in the face of the worst possible events. She would get them out of here, somehow.

“She’s been shot in the abdomen. No exit wound so the bullet is still inside. I believe she’s bleeding internally.”

You saw a shadow cloud Dr. Goodwin’s as she looked at you and it was as if you could see the wheels in her head turning as she assessed the situation.

“What’s going on?”, you asked weakly, needing to know if the others were safe. “Mr. Whitman demands to take his wife and daughter and leave. I was on the phone with the Chicago police department. They told me he’s got a history of domestic abuse and violence. The wife filed a report on him and moved states to get him out of her life.”

“And he found her now.” You gulped, slowly piecing the pieces together. Dr. Goodwin nodded, graveness written over her face. “So what’s the plan?” It was Connor, his voice urgent.

Dr. Goodwin sighed, taking off her glasses and pinching the brick of her nose. You had never seen her like this, so defeated, and it filled you with unease.

“The police is here and a squad team too. But there is no way we can let them inside or get someone outside right now without Mr. Whitman noticing. Right now they are preparing for getting just one person in. Unarmed.”

“What help is that going to be?” Connor let out a scoff and it annoyed you how quick to judge he was, and more so, that you agreed with him. What would another person talking to Jake change?

“It would be a trained officer, who has the experience and skills to deal with these kind of high pressure situations. The plan would be for him to try and talk to Mr. Whitman first and if that’s not effective either, assess the situation and make a move or get back to the team and share valuable information with them.”

You could see Connor still shaking his head, but Dr. Goodwin stood again. “It’s the only thing Mr. Whitman has agreed to. You know I would prefer to get everyone else out, but he has been clear. If one person leaves, he is going to make use of his gun again.”

“And what are we supposed to do now? Just wait?”

“Connor”, you tried to calm him, but his eyes snapped to yours. “We need an OR now! Monique!” The blonde nurse standing next to Ethan looked over. You could see the fear written all over her face. “Can you take over for a moment?”

She gave a nod, her eyes flickering to Jake who didn’t let them out of sight. Crouching down next to you the two quickly exchanged their hands applying pressure onto your wound, the sensation making you let out a groan.

But you pushed away the pain, trying to focus on Connor. “What are you doing?”, you hissed as you watched him get up, wishing you could hold him back.

“Dr. Rhodes, we should wait for the officer to arrive. Right now the situation is stable and I can’t risk-” “Stable? Is that what you call this?” Connor pushed himself fully up now, the movement catching Jake’s eye.

“Sit back down!” But Connor lifted his hands, taking a cautious step forward. “My sister likely suffers from an internal bleeding. We need an OR to-” “No! Nobody goes anywhere!”

Connor’s face fell, his shoulders sinking, but he took another step forward. The grip the fear had around your heart tightened. “Please, I need to stop the bleeding. You don’t want her to die, right?”

Jake stared at you for a moment before his attention was back on your brother. “I just want my daughter and my wife!”

“And we get that. We do. But she-”, he turned halfway towards you, his eyes not leaving Jake for a second, “has nothing to do with this. Let me save her life.”

“I said no one goes anywhere! You save her here or you don’t save her at all. It’s on you!”

You watched Connor open his mouth again, but before he could say another word Jake stepped forward, his gun pointed directly at his chest.

“Do I look like someone who’s joking?!”, he yelled, making everyone around him flinch. Connor made himself a little smaller, taking a small step backwards while shaking his head. “Yeah, so you better listen to what I’m saying! No get your ass back down there!”

You didn’t have the heart to watch Connor when he returned to you, to see the defeat and hopeless on his face. The fear.

He had barely sat down again when another turmoil broke loose, gaining everyone’s attention. It had to be the officer Jake had allowed in, though you didn’t want to know what he would get in return for the favour.

Although you didn’t feel much hope regarding the plan, you trusted the police to make the right choice. This couldn’t be their first hostage situation, so they knew what to do, right?

What you hadn’t anticipated was that the officer coming in could be someone you knew. Someone you knew very well.

Jay.

No.

You blinked a few times, but it was unmistakably him.

His voice. His physique.

A touch at your hand drew your attention away from him for a moment and you noticed Monique had reached for it. Only now you saw you had balled your hand into a fist, all the tension left in your body visible in that one grip. Slowly she loosened it, taking your hand into hers instead and squeezing it in reassurance.

You didn’t know the young nurse so well- she was a little more on the reserved and quiet side- but the gesture filled you with deep gratitude, giving you the strength to look up again and face this new reality.

Jay hadn’t noticed you yet, his whole focus on calming Jake enough to make an uneventful entrance. When he seemed confident in the situation he scanned the room, assessing the conditions they were dealing with.

He did it with a professional calmness you wished you could have right now, his face only giving away his emotion when they fell on his brother. “Hey, man. You alright?”

He stepped forward, avoiding any rapid movements and Will nodded. “I’m okay. But Mrs. Kaden is in a bad condition. The stress on top of her physical state worries me.”

He said something else, but he had lowered his voice that it was impossible for you to understand anything. Jay nodded. “What about the two victims?”

“The security guard got hit at the shoulder. He’s stable.” “And the other one?” Will shook his head, his eyes filled with sadness. “She’s over there with Connor. It doesn’t look good, Jay.”

It was strange, listening to them and knowing they were talking about you. Waiting for the moment Jay’s eyes fell upon you.

You didn’t know what kind of reaction you were anticipating, but nothing could have prepared you for the utter shock that filled Jay’s face as he looked at you.

You watched him do a double take, every trace of his confidence and expressionlessness gone, replaced by a turmoil of emotions. He almost lunged forward, stopping himself when Jake’s warning voice filled the air.

You could see Connor’s questioning gaze on you, but you were focused fully on Jay as he made his way over to you with careful movements.

When he crouched down in front of you, he was close enough for you to see a hint of fear in his eyes. “What happened?”

Your petty argument, the distance, it all seemed forgotten as you stared at him, not strong enough to hide your own fear. “I got shot.”

Although it was obvious, it was the first time you had said the words out loud, had acknowledged the fact that this was really happening to you. It felt surreal, even with the burning pain spreading through your body, making it impossible to keep your composure.

Jay’s eyes softened as he heard your husky voice, the effort it took you to form the words another sign how bad your current shape was. For a moment his eyes drifted over your body, his face twisting in pain as he stared at your blood, before he looked up again.

“He said he’s going to kill us if he doesn’t walk out of here with his wife and his kid.” Jay nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line. “I know.”

“But- you’re here now…right?”

“Yeah, I am.” Jay tried to force an encouraging smile on his face, but you knew him well enough to know it was strained.

“You’re here”, you repeated relieved, your voice almost giving up at the end and you coughed. Jay stared at you, his eyes a little widened, his pupils dilated in fear.

He was scared. For you. He was scared for you.

“Her pulse is up to 120 and she’s sweating.” It was Monique and you saw her exchange a look with Connor. “What’s her condition?” Jay was talking to Connor now, as if he had only now realized he was there.

Under different circumstances your brother wouldn’t have let go what had just happened right in front of his eyes. He would have teased you until you would have told him the truth about Jay and you. But now he did, just like that, knowing there was no time for it as yours was running out.

The thought sent another wave of fear through your body, but with the hot pain and the growing weakness you felt too overwhelmed to do anything about it. So you tried to focus on the feeling of Monique’s hand holding yours, on Jay’s closeness and your brother’s words.

“The bullet likely caused internal bleeding. She’s losing too much blood.” Connor almost ran a hand over his face like he always did when he was stressed, stopping himself when he saw your blood on his hands.

“What do you need?”

“I need an OR. I need to find the bleeding and stop it.” His voice was a mix of desperation and determination and Jay listened intensely. His mask of professionalism was back in place, the sight having something grounding to it in the midst of this chaos, but you could detect a few flaws where his emotions threatened to pour in.

“I’m here to negotiate”, he began, eyes cast towards Jake, continuing lowly, “but really I think this will take a different ending.”

You wanted to ask him what that meant, but it seemed too difficult and you were forced to watch him get up instead. As Connor tried to get up too you tried to catch his wrist. You failed, but the movement still let him pause.

“Don’t go, please”, you whispered, your body shaking. You wished you could stop it, but you had lost all control over it, and when had it become so cold?

You felt Jay’s eyes on you as Connor leaned down to you, placing his hands on the sides of your face. “You’re sweating and your pulse is way up. Your skin is ice cold and you’re pale. I don’t need to tell you what that means. We need to do something now.”

You felt tears run down your cheeks as you tried to shake your head, silently pleading him to stay. He had already risked it with Jake once. What would he do when Connor tried it again and this time he wouldn’t give up?

“I’m coming back.” Connor stroked your cheek once before pressing a kiss against your forehead. Then he was gone, his touch only a faint memory as your head sank back against the wall.

As the two walked away from you they blurred into nothing more than silhouettes. Muffled voices filled your ears, but they were too drowned out for you to understand anything. Monique was speaking to you too, the level of her tone indicating she was saying something to soothe you, but her words never reached you either.

A part of you wanted to pass out. As much as you wanted to know what happened, with Connor and Jay not by your side any longer all your fight had left you. The pain felt unbearable now, as if someone had lit your body on fire and the flames were eating at you, slowly burning you alive.

Your throat was closing and it was getting hard to breathe. Every once in a while you choked on air, raspy coughs escaping your mouth. And it was so cold. Colder than the winter in Chicago.

The last sound you heard before the darkness finally swallowed you was a gunshot.

-

The first thing you felt when you woke was the heaviness of your body, as if an invisible weight had been placed upon you.

You could hear the steady beeping of a monitor, the sound having something reassuring to it. You listened to it for a while, too tired to pull yourself out of the haze yet.

But then the events of the day came crashing back to you, the image of Jay and Connor both leaving your side to get Jake to let them save you. The sound of a gun going off.

You blinked your eyes open, your vision only slowly clearing. But eventually it sharpened, revealing the inside of a hospital room.

You weren’t surprised at the sight, but you still paused when you took in the IV you were hooked upon. “Look who’s awake.”

Turning your head you found April at the door, a smile on her lips. But you could see it wasn’t as effortless as usual and you wondered where she had been when all of it had happened.

Had she gotten out, left to wonder about Ethan’s and everyone else’s wellbeing? Or had she been hiding in one of the other patient rooms?

“How are you feeling?” She stepped into the room, beginning her check-up on you. You let her do it, squinting when she shone a bright light in your eyes. “I’ve felt better before”, you answered truthfully, growing slightly more aware or the pressure in your abdomen.

At least it didn’t hurt yet. You didn’t want to think of the moment the pain meds would wear off.

“Where’s my brother?” April had finished her tests, squeezing your hand. “He’s still in the hospital. I told him to go home and get some rest, but he insisted on staying.”

April shook her head, clearly disapproving of your brother’s choices. “But I did get him to take a shower. He should be in the on-call rooms right now. Do you want me to go and get him?”

You thought about it for a moment. “No, let him sleep. It’s been a hell of a day for him too.”

April nodded, a small smile on her lips. “What about detective Halstead? Do you want me to send him home too?”

You stared at her in surprise. “He’s still here? Wait- how much time passed?”

“5 hours. And yes, he’s here. Actually, he just got himself a coffee. I might have forgotten to mention how disgusting the one from the vending machine is.”

“You’re evil.” You narrowed your eyes at her, chuckling. April shrugged. “Can’t have anyone know our secrets. So what is it with you and the other Halstead. Is he the one you’ve been texting this whole time?”

You hesitated, ready to deny her words, because you were used to keeping it a secret. But you weren’t sure that was possible after today, and honestly it all seemed so unimportant know that you had almost lost your life.

“We were. But things are kind of- complicated between us so I’m not sure where we’re standing.”

“Well”, April walked towards the door, a smile on her lips, “whatever it is it can’t be so serious. You should have seen the way he looked at you when you came out of surgery.”

Your chest tightened as a wave of emotions flooded you. “He really stayed for me?”

April grinned. “He might have claimed there to be paperwork at first. And then that he wanted to look after his brother. But Will went home hours ago and guess who spend the whole time of your surgery pacing the waiting room.”

April winked at you. “I’m going to search for Ethan now. I wanted to wait for you to wake up before leaving.”

Warmth filled you and you had to blink away the tears, touched by everyone’s concern for you. But the mention of Ethan’s name had also reminded you that you hadn’t been the only one hurt today.

“Is everyone okay? The security guard, did he make it?”

“Oh yeah, we’re all okay.” Before she could say another word someone else appeared in the doorway and April left, a knowing smile on her lips.

“Hey.” You didn’t think you had ever heard Jay speak so softly. It made you want to pull him close and snuggle up beside him, be safe in his arms and forget everything else.

“Hey”, you said, trying to sit up a little, but realizing it was a pointless mission.

You supressed a grin when you noticed the coffee cup in his hand, but Jay had followed your gaze, lifting it up. “That’s the worst coffee I’ve ever had”, he declared, “and we’ve only got a new machine at the precinct last year.”

You chuckled lightly. “We have the good one hidden in the break room. But don’t tell anyone I’ve told you that.”

Jay grinned. “Your secret’s safe with me.” Pulling a chair to your bedside and setting his cup on the nightstand he sat next to you, his eyes flickering over your face.

“I prefer when I am the one taking the bullet.”

He smiled, but it was a sad smile, the stress from the past hours visible on his face. “What can I say? You made it seem so effortless.”

But Jay didn’t seem amused, his eyes heavy. “When I heard about the hostage situation, I hoped you weren’t on shift. I called you, but you didn’t pick up.” He blew out a breath.

“And my brother didn’t either so-” He ran a hand over his face. “It’s why I needed to be the one going in. I needed to know if you were okay.”

“And they let you?” Although you knew they had, you were surprised Jay had been chosen. You didn’t doubt his capability as a cop, but just like you weren’t allowed to be on a personal case you had believed Jay’s involvement would have been a red flag as well.

“Not at first, no. But I was very convincing. And Voight’s not too strict about the rules anyway.”

You didn’t want to imagine the length Jay might have gone to, to get what he wanted. Especially with Voight, who didn’t appreciate anyone speaking up against him or acting out of line.

You stirred a little, your body beginning to ache. “What happened after I passed out?”

Jay’s brows drew together and you could see the graveness in his eyes. “He wouldn’t let you go.” His jaw hardened. “Like I said, negotiations didn’t work with him.”

“Does that mean…-”, you trailed of, your heart heavy. Jay gritted his teeth. “Our backup plan was for me to lead him somewhere the squat team could take the shot.”

“So he’s dead now?” You didn’t know what to feel when Jay nodded his head once. Certainly not regret, not after what he had done, but there was no relief either. Instead you just felt numb, like the turmoil of emotions you had experienced in the past hours had left you completely empty.

“And the mother and her kid?” “They are okay.” Jay seemed as relieved to deliver those news as you felt and for the first you truly allowed yourself to take a big exhale. “As okay as they can be under these circumstances.”

“How could he even walk in with a gun?” You shook your head in disbelief, wishing for answers you know you would never get. “The hospital’s head launched an investigation”, Jay told you and you imagined the stress Dr. Goodwin must be facing even now that it was over.

“That’s good I guess”, you muttered. “Yeah.” But Jay seemed somewhere else with his thoughts and for a moment you feared he would go back to being distanced towards you.

But to your surprise he leaned forward, his hand almost touching yours on the bed. “What happened?”

You scrunched up your nose in confusion. “To you. What happened to you? How did you get shot?”

You took a deep breath, knowing you would have to face that question again once Connor was up. He would be upset, but as much as you regretted your action, wished things had gone differently, you couldn’t say it had been a mistake. Not if you had prevented something worse, like a bullet hitting your brother.

“It all happened so fast.” You closed your eyes, trying to recall the moment. But your memories were hazy, the images blurry, only in fragments.

“I saw Connor coming out of a patient’s room and he- he couldn’t see the gun. Jake would have shot him. He- I- I had to do something.”

When you opened your eyes again you saw Jay’s green eyes staring intensely at you, his brows furrowed deeply.

A shadow covered his face, but it vanished before you could ask about it.

“So you’d rather get yourself killed?” It sounded a little accusing and your face fell, anger filling you. “Don’t you think I know that now? But you would have done the same for Will. I know you would have.”

Jay shifted. “That’s different”, he said, but you tilted your head at him. “I’m too tired for that conversation.”

Jay looked hurt and disappointed, but you didn’t regret your words. You couldn’t take his arguments now, not now when you were still coming to terms with the reality that you had almost lost your life.

“I didn’t know you were so selfless. I mean-”, Jay rubbed the back of his head, “I knew, because of your job and how you treat your patients, but taking a bullet for someone else? I didn’t know you were a hero.”

He was smiling now, trying to loosen the atmosphere, but this words had the opposite effect on you. “I’m not”, you said quietly. “I didn’t even mean to do that. My body just- reacted. That’s not bravery or selflessness.”

This time Jay touched your hand, the unexpected gesture drawing your attention back to him. “It’s always an instinct. It happens too quickly for anyone to make a conscious decision. It can be a reflex and still be brave. Because you didn’t hesitate.”

You hadn’t thought of it like that before and you started at him, your thoughts swirling in your brain as the desire to be close to him clouded your mind once more.

“Does it ever get easier?” You blinked, a little scared to be so vulnerable in front of him. “On tv they are fine after that. They are so cool about it. But what if I’m not fine? What if that was probably the worst thing that ever happened to me and I’m so scared?”

You bit your lip, forcing back the tears. But the truth was you weren’t ready to die yet. And coming so close to death had left its marks on you. You could feel it everywhere, as you gazed around the room, took in all the sensations you could feel, looked at Jay beside you. It was all so much.

“Hey.” Jay squeezed your hand. “That’s acting. It’s fake. You almost died. You’re not supposed to be fine right now.”

A tear escaped your eye and you wiped at it, trying not to be furious at yourself for losing your composure in front of Jay. “I don’t know how you do it. Getting shot at and still running towards danger and not away.”

Jay seemed sheepish out of a sudden, no hint of his usual confidence and wit. “It’s my job. Just like I could never do what you do.” You felt yourself smile a little, his recognition making you feel a little less small in the hospital bed. “And sometimes there are- things that happen on this job that you don’t just get over. We all have things we’re dealing with. Even I.”

Now you squeezed his hand, trying to show him you were there if he ever needed to talk to someone. Jay looked at you with gratitude in his eyes. He understood, even without words.

Silence settled in, but it didn’t feel uncomfortable. There came no pressure to come up with something to say, no need to say anything at all and you could see it was the same for Jay, his thoughts drifting.

“So Connor huh?”

You hadn’t expected the question, drawing your brows together. “What?”

Jay licked his lips, inhaling. “I saw you two together. And then today-”, he trailed off, gazing to the side as he collected himself.

“I don’t know what you saw-”, you began, but Jay raised a hand. “Don’t deny it. I’m not blind. It’s obvious how much you care for each other.”

You started at him, rendered speechless as you tried to imagine what he could have seen. But it didn’t matter, because Jay was- “You’re jealous!”

He twisted in his chair, pulling his hand away. “I’m not jealous”, he said, but you shook your head, grinning. “Yes, you are.”

Annoyance flashed over his face. “I just don’t like to be played with.” Your smile faded a little, but the relief you felt only grew as your slowly began to piece it all together.

“That’s why you acted so cold towards me out of a sudden. You saw me and Connor and you thought-” You almost let out a laugh, only suppressing it as you took in Jay’s unamused expression.

“Well detective Halstead, Connor is my brother.”

You watched with delight how his face turned into confusion, surprise and then hope. “He’s your brother”, he repeated in disbelief and you nodded. “I told you I came to Chicago, because I have family here.”

Jay let out a groan, the previous tension melting from his body as your words sank in. “But Will-”, he paused, clearly rethinking something his brother had said to him, “that bastard. When I saw you together I asked him about you and he warned me not to try anything, because of Connor. He never thought to mention once that he’s your brother.”

“You asked Will about me?”

Jay narrowed his eyes playfully. “That’s what you’re concerned about?”

You let out a laugh. “Not concerned, no. I just- you asked your brother about me.”

Jay raised his brow. “Why is that so hard to believe? I mean, you asked him about me too.”

Your face flushed. “I did not!”

“Yes, you did!” Jay chuckled, clearly enjoying your embarrassment. “Will told me about it. It’s why he got so suspicious so fast when I brought you up.”

“And then he mentioned Connor and you figured-” “he said that if I tried anything with you I would have to deal with Connor Rhodes. And it’s not like you two have the same last name.”

“Different moms”, you explained and he sighed. “I should have just talked to you, but I got so mad and then I heard you two talk and I just- reacted.”

“You should have”, you agreed, “but I should have been more open with you too.”

“So, let’s try again?”

His voice sounded so soft when he said it you felt yourself melt under the covers. “If you’re ready to deal with Connor Rhodes”, you pointed out playfully and Jay shrugged, his natural confidence back.

“After I helped save your life I’m pretty sure I’m well in with him. Which reminds me, you owe me three times now.”

You rolled your eyes, feeling the tiredness return to your body. Soon enough you would be drifting off again. “It’s twice, considering you cancelled our first date.”

Jay grinned. “Fair enough. But I’m taking you out once you’re out of here.”

You smiled. “I’m counting on it.”

Tags:

PERMANENT

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[psychosodomy]

*emergency post*

Hello! I have made a few donation posts on here that worked, so i hope the right people see this.

im a black muslim lesbian in need of help rn

im going thru a health crisis right now where my hand bones are inflamed. Each time i go to the doctor, they say i need this test and that test and each time i have to delay getting a test, costing more money and time. Each office visit costs $130, and tests cost upwards of $200.

i need to visit the radiologist, get more bloodwork, and 3 more office visits within the next month. Thats $390 of office visits, and probably $400 for testing. I cant stress enough how much these health issues contribute to my struggle to find employment rn. That totals to almost $800 but Id really like to raise $500 before march ends for the xray, bloodwork, and next office visit, and before i run out of meds and so they can prescribe me some more. They help with my day to day living. If you know any nonprofits that can help me, if you can send money my way, if you can share this, please do. At the very least, i can get some money from family for the first office visit. So if i could get together money for the tests and extra visits I'd be eternally grateful

Catch app and venmo are both intricaterituals

ask for paypal but send money as friends not a business lol

0/500 (before march 25)

800 is still the overall goal

[hrtiu]

omg happy birthday!🥳 I hope you're having an amazing day with lots of sunshine, tasty food and happiness.

If you're feeling inspired can you write some domestic bliss with foxiyo? I'm thinking maybe when they're both old(er?) since that's something rarely explored (at least as far as I've seen). Idk I just think they'd be that cute elderly couple yk 😭

Thanks for the prompt and the birthday wishes! Sorry I wasn't able to finish it right away, but hey. I haven't written any fic in months so this is still pretty good for me??

I haven't really edited this so... hopefully it's ok???

Riyo Chuchi could not sleep.

She stared up at the dim, roughly-textured ceiling and blew out a breath. There was a time when she’d work herself so hard every day that she could barely keep her eyes open long enough to fall into bed rather than on the floor. And now she regularly found herself waking up in the wee hours of the morning, her body tired and aching but her mind stubbornly and insistently awake.

She rolled over onto her side and sighed. No, this position wasn’t any better. She felt no less restless, no less stretched thin by unwilling wakefulness. Across the bed from her, Fox’s broad back slowly expanded with a deep inhale. Riyo smiled to herself. At least the view was better on her side.

After another half hour of staring at Fox’s back, Riyo admitted defeat and got out of bed. She went to the ‘fresher, brushed her teeth, and combed her snow-white hair. The texture of her hair was wiry and tough--both its color and texture a far cry from the famously-luscious lavender locks of her youth. Then she went to her terminal and checked her messages. 

A few updates from Ahsoka, a brief, businesslike note from Mom Mothma, and a bunch of adverts. Great. Riyo wondered how she hadn’t appreciated the days when her terminal was stuffed to bursting with urgent messages--full of people wanting her assistance, her opinion, her time. It had been overwhelming, yes. But at least she’d felt needed.

She spent a while--much longer than necessary--answering her messages. Then she checked the news and let her eyes glaze over as the goings-on of distant planets filled the terminal. Several hours passed this way, and the sun finally began to peak through the closed shades of her study.

“Been up long?” Fox’s gravelly voice broke through Riyo’s near trance.

She looked up at him and smiled wryly. “A little while,” she said, knowing he would catch her understatement.

He crossed the room to her, his stiff leg traveling just a little slower than the other. He rested his hand on her shoulder, and she couldn’t help but notice the slight tremble to his once-firm grip.

“I’m sorry, my sun,” he said. “The meds aren’t helping?”

“They help me fall asleep, but I just can’t stay asleep for long,” Riyo said with a shrug. “I could take more, but I don’t want to overdo it.”

“That’s probably wise. You should wake me up next time. I’d be happy to keep you company.”

“At least one of us should be getting rest,” Riyo protested.

Fox let out a noncommittal sound and lowered himself into the chair next to her. 

Riyo rested her head on his shoulder, her whole body relaxing at the familiar contact. As her muscles melted into him, he still felt stiff beneath her. He hid it well, but she knew how uncomfortable the stiffness that held every joint in his body tight must be. He had once been a super soldier, a man in peak physical condition. If she was missing the way she used to feel, how hard must it be for him?

She peaked up at him through her lashes, his silvery stubble and strong nose still so attractive to her, after all these years. 

“How are you doing, love?” she asked. “I know you must be having trouble, too.”

Fox shook his head. “No, not at all.”

Riyo couldn’t hold back her snort. “I was at your last doctor’s appointment. I know your condition is progressing. But you never complain!” She sat up, turning in chair to face him fully. “You know you can always tell me how you feel, right?”

“Of course,” Fox said, taking her hands in his. “And you are right. I wake up in pain every day. It’s getting more difficult to walk. And I’m frustrated that I can’t trust myself with a blaster anymore.”

It was what she’d asked for, but still Riyo’s heart constricted in her chest. Fox was in pain, and she knew he wouldn’t even acknowledge any pain if it wasn’t significant. She squeezed his hands. “Fox…”

“But I’m happy, Riyo,” Fox cut in, firm and confident. “The pain is a nuisance, but it doesn’t bother me that much. I hardly even think of it.”

“How can you not think of it? It affects every step you take. It keeps you from doing so many things you love-”

“I don’t think of it, because I am happy.”

Riyo shook her head, feeling that she was still missing something. “I just don’t understand. Here I am, every day complaining and pitying myself for all the most common, least inconvenient inevitabilities of aging. But there you are, happy and unbothered while you deal with this diagnosis. Either something is wrong with you, or something is wrong with me.”

“Nothing is wrong with you. This diagnosis isn’t easy for me, but it is so much more than anything I ever expected.”

Any words Riyo could think to respond with died in her throat. What could she say to that? Especially when she knew what he said was true?

Fox stood up, moving slowly but with purpose. He held a hand down to her and she took it, rising to her feet at his side. 

One hand still holding hers, Fox stroked his fingers down a wisp of white hair that had escaped Riyo’s utilitarian bun. “Do you know how lucky I feel to be able to grow old with you? I never expected to grow old. Period. And now I get to experience it with the woman I care most for in the entire galaxy? Every grey hair. every aching joint, every hand tremor--every one is a privilege.”

A tear slipped down Riyo’s cheek, and she pressed her forehead to his. Her body still felt heavy and tired, and she still mourned for her youth long gone. But some of the weight of sorrow lifted from her shoulders.

“The privilege is all mine,” she said, meaning it with every ounce of her being.

#foxiyo #fic #star wars #tcw #commander fox #riyo chuchi #growing old together #old age

[chronicillnessfromateensmind]

i don’t know how to describe what the past few weeks of my life have been like. i don’t know if it’s physically possible to put into words just how much i’ve been dealing with.

i’ve been in a terrible flare since the weekend before my birthday. and i feel betrayed.

i feel betrayed by the american medical system, by the lack of compassion i’ve witnessed first hand. and while i’m no stranger to the judgment and gaslighting that’s in the medical community, seeing as i fought for two years for my pain and voice to be taken seriously before i got my amps diagnosis. i fought and fought, went to doctor after doctor, pleaded and begged, and only until something horrific happened to me did they take what i had to say seriously. and i don’t know if it’s the humanity in me or the hope that resides deep inside of me that thought this time would be different, that the doctors would take me seriously, that they would put in the effort or at least give me options on where to go or what to do to help me. but once again i was proven wrong.

i feel betrayed because i know that i can’t live a healthy lifestyle right now, i physically can’t do the things people my age can. and it’s frustrating and devastating because i know somethings not right with me, and i’m pretty sure i know what it is just through my own personal research and communities i’ve found during all of this, but everytime i go to my primary doctor she writes me off. in fact i was in such severe pain i screamed my head off the night prior, was convinced one of my collar bones had gone out of place, and was terrified. but when i showed up the the pediatrician she didn’t even look me in my eye, gave me the fastest work up ever before dismissing my concerns, and telling me and my mom that i should visit a pain clinic place that is a deep rooted sense of trauma for me. for they prescribed me so many medications that messed with my head and gave me horrific side effects. she also told my mom i should see a psychiatrist. basically saying idk what the deal with you is you’re probably just crazy.

the problems i’m dealing with, subluxations, joint pain, rashes, welts on my skin, gi issues, and a lot more i don’t feel the energy to share right now, aren’t symptoms a psychiatrist can help. i’m not crazy. i’m not insane. i’m not making this up. you can watch my collar bone move back into place after it subluxated. you can see the welt on my skin appear after i rub it. you can see the blood pooling happening in my feet and hands everytime i sit down or stand up. i’m exhausted and while my flare is calming down, i’m drained. and it’s disappointing that no doctor cares.

following the visits with my pediatrician, i was in such pain from the car ride and the movement that i was in hysterics that night. the pain in my collar bones and shoulder and neck were unbearable. it felt like my spine wasn’t being held properly together, it felt unstable, if felt terrible. i almost collapsed in the kitchen as i was in so much pain as i screamed and begged for any kind of relief. the next morning we went to the emergency room just to make sure everything was in the right place. and thankfully it was, but the er wasn’t really helpful other than that. they gave me some meds that made me sleepy and that helped distract my mind from the pain, but that was it.

we also reached out again to the cardiologist that’s been helping me with pots. and while the medication he gave me has extremely helped significantly lessen my pots symptoms, he was no help either. in fact we called multiple times over the course of multiple days and received no reply. only to find out, he was planning on sending me to that same pain clinic that i still am severely traumatized by. even though we specifically have mentioned that we cannot go back to that place.

me and my family have been left alone to figure out how to deal with the daily struggles i have experienced without any medical help. we got a shower stool so i don’t faint in the shower, we got a cane so on my rough days when my hips pop in and out i can still somewhat walk around, heating pads and pain patches to try to relieve the pain the best we can, tylenol and advil around the clock.

my body and mind are exhausted from being in a constant state of fight or flight from the pain. this flare was extremely rough. but i survived.

when you’re in so much pain that your body goes into a state of shock, you can only focus on pain. all you can feel is pain, all you can sense is pain, all you can breath is pain. it feels like you’re trapped in an eternal loop of never ending pain. the days seem longer, the hours seem to go on forever, the minutes feel like months. it’s almost impossible for your mind to comprehend that the pain will lessen at some point eventually. this time, it took over 3 weeks for it to lessen. but it did. and i survived.

i’m not alone in the betrayal of the medical community ignorance. my family has been betrayed as they are forced to witness me deal with all of these issues and receive no useful information or help. thousands of others with the same disorders and conditions i have, have been treated exactly as i have. i know this. i know not to get my expectations up when i see someone ina white coat. but i just wish one doctor could care a little about me. because all they see is the chart. they see my medical history, my files. but they don’t see me.

they don’t see how creative i am. they don’t see how compassionate i am. they don’t see how unique and intelligent i am. they don’t see my artwork. they don’t see my stories. they don’t see my voice. they don’t see me.

i wish they would though. because my symptoms and my pain has been limiting my ability to do the things i love. it’s pulled me out of school, which i love. it’s limited my writing abilities, which is my passion. it’s limited my ability to shop, which is my favorite thing to do.

even though i’m dealing with way more than most 17 year olds are, i know one day i’ll be able to say wow i did that. and i got through it. my story is chaotic and unpredictable to say the least. but it’s not over, i won’t let these disorders write my story for me. i will. this chapter is just darker than others will be.

if you take anything from me, don’t write off a person because they look “healthy”. or what society has painted the idea of what healthy on the outside looks like anyways. you never know what someone is dealing with. your words matter. they hold power. they can heal, but they can also damage. please be compassionate to one another.

#chronic fatigue #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronically ill #heds #pots syndrome #potsie #mcas #pain warrior #teenagers #pots #hypermobile ehlers danlos #amps #fnd awareness #crps #fnd

[kaylapocalypse]

Hello!! This may be a bit of a long-shot, but you're a published and fairly successful author that I know how to contact, and I love The Wicker King..

You can respond to this via this ask or direct messages (or not at all!) Whatever you're comfortable with.

I'm in a position where I really need to start seriously thinking about my future career, and the one I'm leaning towards the most at the moment is a creative writer. I love it, and it's one of my strong suits... but the field is not known for being easy to navigate.

You clearly have experience, so I was wondering if you could shed some light on what I would need to do if I decide to be serious about pursuing this?

What does the publication process look like, how do you support yourself financially (is it substantial?), what courses did you take in college (if at all), and how did you get your name out there?

Being an author is a plan/dream I had years ago and had since given up on, but after two years of chasing a different passion, I'm starting to waver again on what I should do...

So, I was wondering if you could tell me about your experience in the writing/book industry; if you're comfortable of course!

Thank you for your time and I hope you have a nice day!

My apologies for taking so long to answer this, I had to think very hard about what I wanted to say.

I think the most important thing for you to know is that it takes about 10 years before most creative writers--novelists especially--are able to live off their craft. And that's not even factoring in the metrics of chance.

I don't mean this as a dissuasion of any kind. Its just very important to me that you enter this field with this understanding. Most authors have a second job, in particular, most authors are either teachers or attorneys for some reason (especially romance novelists, chock full of attorneys) quite a few authors also work at call centers (low effort job that allows for tons of energy for personal time) and another subset are just RICH PEOPLE.

I myself started out as a call center author and then I married someone kind of Well Off. Without them I might not be able to do nearly as much writing as I do.

The biggest thing I want you to be doing right now is picking a secondary "job" that will allow you to write for long enough that you are able to get to that 10 year time when you can retire your first job and get into your writing career. I know 10 years sounds like a long time, but I graduated at 22 and only now as a 32 year old are things starting to fall into place. Think of it like becoming a doctor. Those 10 years are med school and residency.

The next thing that I think is important is that you develop a strong relationship with constructive criticism and stamina.

Here are the three things that kill potential authors early and stop their potential careers on the spot

Being too scared to share their work with as many people as possible. Especially people they do not know. Getting opinions on your work (notably bad ones) lets you learn much quicker how to fix issues. You'll grow much faster as a writer if you're open to harsh opinions and open to sharing your work.

Thinking that because someone doesn't like your book, they don't like YOU. Art is so personal and its really difficult for a huge amount of people to jump this emotional hurdle. What helps is thinking about your favorite artists and authors and whether you like every single thing they ever created. Chances are, you just like /most/ of it. What you really like is THEM. I know of at least 4 people I'm online friends with on twitter who have hated every single book I ever wrote but think my twitter is absolutely hilarious. And people who love my books to pieces but think I'm so extremely annoying and have me blocked on twitter lmao. Its just product, its just a macaroni necklace. Its ok.

Thinking because they aren't having a Wunderkind Experience that they're a failure and give up too early. I recently met a guy who sent out 20 query letters and didn't hear back from all of them and got so bitter he threw an online tantrum (that likely got him blacklisted) and swore not to try trad publishing ever again. 20 queries is nothing. I personally sent out 80 and queried for about 7 months and I absolutely had what people describe as "a Cinderella experience." A lot of other people are like...., 27 and are like "ohhh im too old to be an author... there are so many young authors" meanwhile, if you go to any major conference, all the authors there are like 45-65 years old and there's like 10 people in their 20s-early 30s and everyone treats you like an interesting baby. Getting bitter and insecure about this is the quickest way to lose hope and squash your OWN dreams for literally no reason.

As for the publication process, I have a few links for you:

This last link will be very important to you later, so please save it to your computer. The first two are just informative stuff about the process.

If you have any more questions or want me to talk more about anything I've mentioned here, feel free to send them my way!

#qq #heartinarose

[luvbug724]

sits next to you :) the thing about kevjeanee housekeeping/accounting is that while kevin is not dyslexic like jeanee i fear that he is not good at math either..... i think he's probably Better at it than jean and renee but he's not of much help i don't think........ last year i overpaid my credit card at least four times because im bad at math so i think kevin would be like that. they trust him and he's basically giving their money for free to the bank. jean (grew up poor in my mind) would be furious. but if they put their three thinking heads together they can surely come up with something!

i like chronic migraines for jean i think he's very bruised bird shot from the sky etc no matter what nothing really works for him........ and he can do something dramatic like drop to the floor like an unwound doll and put his head on kevins or renees lap..... and its ok because puppies do these things....!! in a way i think the most fun of kevjeanee is the potential for hovering + doting for jean it presents because its like two of his biggest supporters. (kicks feet) i also think jean and renee are also two people i can see kevin going easier on/excusing for so its cute to me to think about... renee spacing out in practice and kevin being like well she's trying very hard. or jeremy calling in and saying jean beat up another striker and kevins like he's working on it :) you know? you do know user luvbug724 you have to

also re: kevrenee mass together ITS CUTE... i think sometimes the fandom at large um i guess doesnt really think much about renee's relationship to religion but i feel like another one of the foxes (and especially kevin maybe... in my heart) being there with her would make her very happy. i hope when its ash wednesday she approaches him in practice and puts ash on his gay little forehead :) i hope all the old ladies think they're dating or getting married soon and have no idea of the jezabel in california waiting for them (jean)

kevin fucking up their taxes. HILARIOUS. kevin the loves of your life just want their tax returns please. what the fuck do you mean they owe a million dollars can you do the math again please. this is what jeanee get for trusting a history major with their money.

KEVRENEE DOTING ON JEAN YES YES YES. jean i think will be the type of athlete who is constantly at the trainer bc. you know. the mafia may kill him if he can't play exy ugh i hate when that happens but he has to stay in good shape even though he's dealing with So many longterm injuries. when kevin and jean are pro the moment jean leaves a game renee is already in the med room to hear what the doctor has to say and kevin's there as soon as the game is over.

kevin going easier on jean and renee........ I KNOW I SWEAR I DO. its very cute. how can you blame him? renee looks very cute when she's distracted i'm sure.

kevin and renee walking in late to practice with ashes.... mein gott......................................

the idea of ppl seeing kevrenee and not knowing theres a second european man in the picture is so funny. "renee, darling, when are you and your man going to get hitched?" "oh, i'm already married :)" she's the talk of the next church potluck. martha SWEARS she saw her with a different man with a face tattoo last christmas, but agnes says there's no way renee would cheat on her husband with a face tattoo with ANOTHER man with a face tattoo. kevin must have just gotten a haircut or something. they agree to never talk about it again.

#fandom ignoring renee's religion is so very interesting to me i have thoughts but i fear i start enough fights by accident that i will not #share them #asks #kevjeanee #this will be a tag mark my fucking word. if u all got kevseth i can have kevjeanee

[tinnifast]

Food log, 11/4: protein shake (500), chicken and egg sandwich (500), steamed rice + grilled chicken (500)

Had to eat really high yesterday because I was with my partner and she’s hellbent on stuffing me with food to help me recover from my sinus infection, but thankfully I was able to purge all of this via-vomiting, minus the shake and of course my meds that I’m on for my infection.

Rn it’s past noon and I haven’t eaten but I’m about to have a lemonade slushie from sonic. We got it yesterday but I froze it to save it for today. Hoping to have just that and some lowcal soup for the day but I’ll let y’all know how that goes come tomorrow- today sonic is having a sale on their shakes and I won’t be surprised if my partner peer pressures me into getting one with her 🤭

TMI, haven’t pooped in a while so gonna use some laxatives and I’m kinda hoping that leads to a big drop in the next couple days. I wanna be at 160 by the end of the month and despite me having been sick and everything I’m actually feeling super motivated.

Speaking of- my partner went to grab breakfast for herself this morning so I actually got to weigh in since she was gone! 167.0! That’s the least I’ve weighed since this relapse started, and I’m really excited about it. I was hoping to be under 167.0 by Monday and now it looks like I may actually get there.

Only issue is I have a doctor’s appointment Tuesday where I know they’re going to weigh me and if they see I’ve lost like 10 pounds since the last appointment in October, there’s going to be questions. I’m going to experiment with layering clothes and seeing how much weight that puts on according to the scale at home. If that mixed with drinking a ton of fluids doesn’t help, I pre-purchased ankle weights in anticipation for this that I can just try and wear under loose pants. I’ll let y’all know how that clownery works out 😂

I’m feeling a lot better since my hospital visit but I’m still really congested so I’m using that as an excuse not to have dairy/milk/anything too fatty while I’m with my partner today.

Last thing; a tip for any of y’all who struggle with stomach acid build up or acid reflux bc of your eating, try Pepcid! It’s over the counter and has been working really well for me lately to manage my hunger-nausea. Zofran is great too but you need a script for that lol.

-tinni💙

#ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeren #pro a4a #4n0r3xia #pro4ana #tw ed diet #tw ana diary #tw restrictive ed #a4a diary #ana trigger #tw purge #tw sickness #tw mia #tw medication #tw emetophobia #tw illness #tw disordered eating

[biomic]

well. my mom's mental health has unfortunately started declining again.

long story short the new meds the hospital prescribed that stabilized her this time around had the downside of draining basically all of her energy to the point where she was staying in bed all day and needing a lot of assistance with most physical activities. her personal doctor suggested we return to her old meds as we've "gotten through the worst of it" and there was a week or so where that was working and she was feeling great, but now we're right back to the hostility and hallucinations

i dunno. we at least have more measures in place now to get her some help sooner rather than later and we know what medication will get her evened out quickly until we can work with her doctor to counteract the lethargy it causes, so i guess im a little more hopeful than i was two months ago? but im exhausted. i try to be compassionate and patient and understanding because i know she's suffering too and she's not in control of her thoughts, but my threshold for tolerating the verbal abuse thrown at me and the rest of the family after i've done everything and more to try to keep her safe, not just in these past few months but on and off for over a decade now, is more fragile than ever. i go out of my way to comfort her when she's struggling. i've spent hours mediating between family, doctors, and police on her behalf. i've driven out of my way at 2am to shady ass areas to pick her up when she calls for a ride after disappearing for an entire day. my sister and i just helped throw a belated birthday party for her on friday with a dozen of her closest friends and had a great time, and the next night she's calling us ungrateful bastards for saying we're worried about her? logically i understand she doesn't mean that, but it's still infuriating and hurtful to hear after going through all of this time and time again

blegh. that's all i got left. blegh. im going to be okay. i know what to do and how to do it and we'll all get through this like we have before. one thing im not going to do this time is let this derail my entire life like it did at the end of last year. i set a lot of goals for myself this year because my life has felt stagnant for too long and i just want to start living for myself more, because there's only so much i can do to help her. and im not going to disappear again either. i isolated myself last time because i didn't see any other option, but seeing the outpouring of kindness and support from yall when i came back was really overwhelming and helped me a lot through a pretty miserable time, so i don't want to completely cut myself off again. life is hard but i feel lucky to have people who care about me <3

#heavy family stuff again. sorry. im hanging in there ✌️

[tctteredwings]

[joe keery, cis man, he/him ] — whoa! OLIVER “OLI” METCALFE just stole my cab! not cool, but maybe they needed it more. they have lived in the city for HIS WHOLE LIFE ON AND OFF, working as an ARTIST & STAFF AT THE MoMA. that can’t be easy, especially at only 31 YEARS OLD. some people say they can be a little bit WITHDRAWN and MESSY, but i know them to be SELF-AWARE and CREATIVE. whatever. i guess i’ll catch the next cab. hope they like the ride back to BROOKLYN! 

IN A NUTSHELL; wearing his heart on his sleeve, hiding away in a quiet corner with a sketch pad, the sleeves of his hoodie covering his paint-stained hands, scuffed & untied converse, fiercely protective.

tw: parental death, severe depression, anxiety

Name: Oliver Metcalfe Nicknames: Oli Age: Thirty-one Date of birth: 3rd December 1992 Birth place: Manhattan, New York Occupation: Artist & staff at the MoMA Romantic/sexual orientation: Homoromantic/homosexual

ABOUT.

Oliver’s family had always been well known, his father owning a successful chain of luxury hotels, but it was apart from an early age that the youngest of the Metcalfe’s had no interest in that.

He was the quiet one, who was happy to sit back while his older sisters caused chaos around the city. To some he came across as boring, for him, all he wanted was solitude.

When his father passed away suddenly, Oliver only seven at the time, he quickly realised he couldn’t hide away forever. He was suddenly the man of the house, conversations would turn to him inheriting the family business when he turned eighteen. It was too much for a young boy and before long he withdrew further into himself.

Family gatherings were something he avoided like the plague, school too to a certain extent. He did all he could to keep away from the place, cutting classes and hiding out, only attending when he really felt like it.

By the age of fourteen he was diagnosed with depression, forced into an intervention by his family, and then marched off to see a doctor. Given a concoction of meds and locked away in his room, it worked for a time, his family content that he was working on getting better. But Oliver didn’t care, didn’t want to spend the rest of his life reliant on a bunch of pills, so he began hoarding them. His mother was convinced he was still taking them, too consumed with what was going on with his older sisters, and so he was able to slip out and toss them in the trash on collection days unnoticed.

A year later, things changed. No one really expected it, least of all him. He was fifteen and he fell in love with his best friend. But the problem was that his friend definitely didn’t feel the same way. In fact, his friend seemed disgusted when Oliver finally found the courage to say something to him, pushing him away in every sense of the word. He didn’t take it well; fell back into the abyss, shutting himself away from everyone and everything. They never spoke again, mostly Oliver's fault as he refused to listen.

He did his best to keep up pretenses around his family, though, knowing how much they’d worry about him and take away from their own lives. That was the last thing he ever wanted, for them to start putting him above what they wanted and needed. If there was one thing he’d never wanted to be to anyone, it was a burden, and as time went on, he couldn’t help the way those feelings developed and deepened. He was getting in the way.

On the ninth anniversary of his father’s death things reached an all time low for him. He was writing letters for all of his family members and hoarding painkillers by the hundred. In the end it was a mere idea and nothing more, instead he was found sobbing on the floor of his bedroom by one of his sisters and he told her everything that day.

For the first time he let people in and let them help him. He was able to finish school without any problem and made a move across to Paris for a couple of years for art school, needing to take a break and take time for himself.  No one was particularly happy about him moving away after everything that had happened, but he assured them all that he could take care of himself and they relented.

And Paris treated him well, he made friends, actually began to live his life and become who he wanted to be. Art had been something he’d enjoyed from an early age, sketching and painting, and with the guidance of the right people, he flourished.

Five years later and he returned to the city he grew up in, hesitant about how he left things with some people, but safe in the knowledge that he did the right thing.

Now he’s been back for eight years he’s made a real life for himself, he works in the MoMA and in his spare time, works on his own pieces. He lives in a small apartment with a good friend and feels settled, like nothing can go wrong.

#boroughs.intro #parental death tw #depression tw #anxiety tw #✧ oliver ( about )

[iamthecomet]

Hoot!

(Finally replying, heh)

I honestly really hope that the meds will work too. I‘ll keep on taking the same ones I take now and take the other ones in addition, but they actually benefit? each other (as in, both probably will work better when taken together)

I‘ll most likely start tomorrow, but it will take 4-6 weeks for them to actually make something change. And also my symptoms of like dizziness and headaches will likely get worse at the beginning (this will get better over time tho)

They can also make you feel more suicidal in the beginning (which is because they make you more aware, including more aware of problems) but that also gets better after those 4-6 weeks when the actual effects set in (the new one is a kind of antidepressant)

So like, I’m pretty nervous about that

Yeah, going outside is pretty good but also hella hard to do. Sometimes my friends manage to drag me along, which I very much appreciate (they also need to go slower when we go somewhere by bike because of me, but they do that without ever complaining, for which I’m very thankful).

And you‘re so right. In the past, I’ve sometimes not treated them very kindly because of my insecurities and how I’m scared of being a burden, which is also why I isolate myself a lot, but whenever I feel a little less bad they always welcome me with open arms (they‘re also the reason I can watch movies/series, because 2 of them are so aware of my phobias that they will make me feel safe whenever something triggering happens. It’s literally so damn good, because when I’m watching with them, I can actually enjoy watching without being constantly scared that something triggering could possibly happen)

Also seriously, the way one of them immediately offers her hand for me to squeeze while simultaneously covering my eyes is just the sweetest thing ever

But like, there are other good news I think!

I‘ve been thinking about using a cane for at least months now. I sometimes feel very dizzy, to the point of pre-syncope (even though I never actually fainted before) and especially in the past few days, I feel even more unstable when walking than I usually do. I‘m very scared to go outside, especially on my own and just really don‘t feel safe. And especially during disability pride month, people where explaining what mobility aids can be helpful for what, and dizziness was often mentioned for canes.

And I honestly really think that it would help me a lot, and give me a sense of standing/walking more safely.

I always wanted to wait because I was/am scared that I’m just telling myself all that because I want a cane to get attention.

But my dear ex roommate (and one of the sweetest people alive) actually was like “well if you‘d benefit from it, who cares even if would be partly for attention? What about attention is so bad?“

And I think that they are very right. (They also added that canes do look cool as hell and they are also very right about that. I cannot wait to put stickers all over mine if I actually get one)

So on the next appointment I’ll have with my doctor, I’ll ask her if I can get a prescription for a cane.

Oh god, this got long again. Sorry about that

At least it included a lot of (pretty) positive things I think

At least for me, engaging a lot in fandom content helped me with my post-Ritual depression (as far as it was related to that cause I got regular depression going on as well xD)

But it seems like you‘ve been doing that /pos

~ @owlishanon

Finally digging this out of my drafts SORRY! ♥ I'm so glad things have been looking up! I hope that your meds aren't too hard on you during the adjustment period, and that your side effects are minimal. I'm glad you're friends have been so supportive, and are so good to you. I've probably already said it, but real friends are going to be there for you no matter what--they love all of you (even the not as fun parts) and I'm glad you have some like that. I'm with your ex-roomate on the cane stuff. If it's going to help you, you should do it. Who cares what other people think. If it makes you feel safer, more stable, you shouldn't hesitate to get one. I hope that your conversation with your Dr. about it goes well and you can get one and that it helps! Lots of love to you, I hope things are still going well!

#comet comments #owlish #comet's anons

[loversandantiheroes]

So I'm overdue to finally give a little life/health update since I went on my writing hiatus. I had hoped to be able to put off any sort of updates until I was finally able to get my ass back in the saddle and writing again, but that's not really on the table just yet.

I'll spare everybody the long and boring details, but I've finally been able to start seeing a doctor again and get the ball rolling, albeit clunkily, on my mental health. I've been back on antidepressants for a few months now, and last month I finally got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds for that. Unfortunately the ADHD meds have been a lot harder to adjust to, and combined with the lingering fatigue from my depression I'm kind of back into lump mode lately.

In addition to all that fun stuff I got unexpectedly sick back in June for a few days, which turned out to be Baby's First Gallstone. Had a bunch of imaging done since August, and I'm currently scheduled to go in to get my gall bladder removed on the 28th of this month. This'll be my first surgery since I was five, so suffice it to say a ho is Nervous. They also want to keep me in overnight for observation since dad doesn't qualify as someone who can reliably look after me, so I'm going to be missing out on a couple days of work at least. I'll be spending the next week in panic-cleaning mode in preparation for the physical recovery, but on the monetary end of it the chances of me having to ask for help buying groceries in December are definitely higher than zero. Cross that bridge when we come to it.

With all this bundled up together its kind of looking like this winter is gonna be a hibernation season for me. But honestly I think I need it. My body needs some rest while my brain goes through a backlog of critical updates.

So yeah. Still here, but still not quite back up to snuff. Here's hoping for next year. 🤞

#medsie irl #life updates from the hell hole #one day i hope to have good news to share #that isn't immediately followed by 'so i need to get an organ yeeted' #taming of the brainweasels #cw medical #idk what else to tag as #but hi guys im sorry for the quiet im just struggling my way through medication adjustments and health bs #ilu all

[you-didnt]

Ok. I've complained a bit here and there about having long covid but I've never really gotten into detail. Since I just reblogged a post about how most of society has decided to ignore covid I'm going to elaborate on why you don't want to catch it (again).

I, personally, struggle most with a very high heart rate, pain in my legs and cold-like symptoms when I overextert myself (which is called PEM, post extertional malaise, and the symptoms for that can vary too). Most days I just feel "wrong" (I have read people say it feels like being poisoned or microwaved) and fatigued, I have to sleep 10 hours to feel mildly rested. Sometimes there are new things: Last week I had chest pain and a headache that came out of nowhere and left just that suddenly. Due to that, my anxiety and depression have become worse. I'm afraid to move too much because every step could be the one that puts me back in bed again. Right now I've settled between 3k and 5k steps a day, depending on what kind of day it is. I have, comparatively, mild symptoms. I can leave the bed, if it's not a very shit day I can leave the house, my cognitive functions aren't affected, I can go for walks. At my worst I've been moderate. Here's the thing: "Moderate" has been so awful it made me suicidal. And there's hundreds of thousands of people out there who have it worse. It often turns into mecfs, which is a very similar but a lot worse can of worms I'm not going to open right now.

I've read countless stories about long covid. Some people have caught covid at the very beginning of the pandemic and have been struggling with it ever since. Some have healed after a few months, only to relapse after a while (what happened to me last month). That while can be anything between a week and a year. You think you're safe and suddenly it all comes back. It's unpredictable. It's scary. It also changes. Some symptoms leave, some new ones appear. It can affect literally any part of the body, you name it and there's at least one person out there who has developed issues with it after having covid. I'm in the longhaulers subreddit that is slowly approaching 40k members and while discussing symptoms and remedies, a big part of that subreddit is people talking each other out of suicide.

Doctors! Do! Not! Help! (Most of them at least) I know from the disabled community that this, sadly, has always been a thing, but it hurts a different kind of way to experience it yourself. I have a very nice GP who's written me referrals to specialists (who can offer me an appointment sometime in March next year but that's a different story) and who generally believes me, but unfortunately I know more than her about long covid and she can't help me. I begged a different doctor to prescribe me meds that have helped others and she refused and said she could get me a bed in a in-patient clinic for 3 weeks. That clinic (like the doctor in association) believes it's psychosomatic and it should be treated that way, like countless other doctors in every country around the globe. There are several indicators that prove long covid is not psychosomatic. I, just like everyone else struggling with this, know that doing yoga and meditating for 3 weeks isn't going to help and could even make it worse in some cases (remember PEM? That can lead to your baseline becoming permanently worse), that there's something wrong with the body, not just with the mind. But there isn't enough scientific evidence because studies on it (and with it I mean both long covid and mecfs) are criminally underfunded. There are some that look promising, but the scientists working on it say they can't do shit if they don't have the resources.

There is hope. With more and more people being affected (10%-30% of everyone who catches covid) it shifts more into the public eye. The first trial of a very promising looking medication just started in Germany and it might be available by the end of 2023/beginning of 2024. There's some existing meds and dietary supplements that seem to help some. But it's all just trial and error and since doctors don't know anything, all we can rely on is anecdotal evidence. I'm extremely scientific when it comes to these things so I had to... adjust to relying on some peoples experience instead of studies, but just to give you a picture of my desparation: I'm currently taking about 10+ different supplements a day, started doing breathwork exercises (which genuinely seems to help), completely changed up my diet and have gotten a hold of those meds my doctor didn't want to prescribe me another way (still legal, don't worry). I've tried.... fucking Reiki even though I have very strong feelings towards anything anthroposophic. Very few of them are positive. I am feeling a lot better than I did after my relapse a month ago, I have no idea what exactly helped or if it was just resting, but something helped.

Also I'm adding this because I feel like I can't talk about covid without talking about the vaccine: I've been vaccinated. Twice plus the booster. I've always been 100% pro vaxx. But now I have to question getting vaccined for the first time in my life, because there's a considerable amount of longhaulers who got worse after the vaccine. I know we don't like to talk about this because it invites anti-vaxxers to the conversation, but I think this is a conversation we need to have at some point.

So. Yeah. The next time you think "I don't need a mask" think of me and all the others who had a mild infection and didn't get better afterwards. There is a pretty high chance this could be you if you get covid.

#suicide mention tw #illness tw #covid #long covid #50% trauma dump 50% informative thats how we roll

[worldwright]

Good evening ! I went to the doctor's office to ask for painkillers and maybe crutches, and left with prescriptions for a scan of both of my knees, an appointment to see a podiatrist, and a brain MRI

wtf

ive never done one of those things in my life before

Also, my doctor basically said "fuck off the notice of your antidepressants, just take ibuprofen when it's the only thing that works for you", so that was nice

I love her, she never says stuff related to my weight, because she knows, she also knows that I can't take more than a meal a day, and was fucking delighted when we saw I gained weight after my trip from the unit after my attempt.

So, yeah, apparently your knees shouldn't make the sounds of bubblewrap and your shoes shouldn't look like that after 2 years of use

Also, I always thought that it was just headaches because "they're not that bad" and she went "lol nope, sounds awfully like migraines" and oh that makes sense why my go-to to make them go away is sleeping because even if i wake up still in pain, at least i didn't feel the pain for hours

I knew my body wasn't the best, but, man, what the fuck

Now my knees hurt, because of course just making them do their job is hard for them, and I'm thinking about stealing my mom's crutches (she doesn't need them anymore) if it's worse tomorrow :')

Also. I'm always looking to be sure the scenes in my fics are around the same size, but, well, the third one's about 1k words and that's half the fic's words for now. it's going out of control, and that's a good news, because if a fic goes out of control it means that im gonna finish it :)

Have a wonderful morning my friend !

hey that's a solid amount of GOOD medical news for once!! or at least, measurable progress towards good news lol

it's awesome that your doc is actually understanding and helpful, and like. is actually doing stuff to try and help you

also FUCK yeah gaining weight!! congrats!!

yeahhhhh uh those shoes may be. indicative of an Issue... ehehe rip

I Also have medical news today lmao, though not for me -- my friend is FINALLY going to urgent care for her incredibly fucked-up back. like it took her being unable to WALK for several HOURS for her to go get some help... not that I blame her, cuz of a) depression and b) the dogshit medical system in this shithole country

anyway, hoping for her to get some corrective care, pain meds, and hopefully a back brace 👍👍 at LEAST

i saw a really promising apartment listing last night, but it turned out to be fake :'))))))))) I was like 75% prepared to push up the move to like next month if the listing worked out. but no that would be too convenient

I'm watching dunmesh with my dad lol, he seems to like it :3 not that he's super into anime in general, but I can usually convince him to watch stuff with me

I gotta start getting rid of stuff I don't need, to prep for the move... I can probably donate like 30% of my craft supplies lol. maybe I'll borrow the car for a day and make some runs to thrift shops

hope you have a lovely evening, friend!!

#pen pal

[sassylady1103]

Not Dead

Well, I didn’t die. and apparently I’m not a ghoul.

At least not yet. But I was sick for a week or so. I’m still not sure how long I was in a fever induced delirium. Colleen came home and found me wandering in the garden mumbling about irradiated animals. I’ll try to record events as I can recall them.

The time between my last entry and Colleen’s return is lost. I only remember sleeping, making tea, sitting on the porch…that’s it. Colleen told me she had come home earlier than expected because the project she and the Overseer are working on is at a standstill. I think she said they’re working on a vaccine, but I can’t remember the details just now.

When Colleen found me outside in a bathrobe she was concerned. I believe she said I was “damn lucky” she came home when she did, because I was not myself. Apparently she had some meds in her backpack and dosed me with Medex and some antibiotics. I guess I didn’t really come round until after the second Medex. I think I slept for 3 days that I can remember, only waking up to eat some soup and drink tea, then off to bed again. I’m starting to feel more myself, just so tired.

I expected Colleen to read me the riot act about leaving the house and wandering into Morgantown, but she’s been pretty quiet about it. Eerily so. Maybe she’s waiting until she knows I’m completely recovered, but sometimes I catch her staring into space, like she’s contemplating something. I almost wish she would say something, so I’d know what’s going on in her head. I’m not sure what to make of this behaviour.

I’m getting tired now. I think I’ll continue this after I’ve rested…

Well, I started this two days ago, and I may have overdone it. I ended up sleeping all of yesterday, but I’m feeling more like myself. Colleen didn’t like how my wound looked, so gave me a third dose of Medex and increased the antibiotics. My wound definitely looks better and I feel like I have more energy and stamina. Hope that means I’m getting better!

While I was in bed resting yesterday, Colleen came up to talk to me. She had a new book that she’d found for me, but after finding me so sick, she forgot about it. It’s Pride and Prejudice. It was a favorite of hers but I’ve not read it yet. The book is in really good shape. Colleen said she found it in the school library of Grafton High. I have no idea where that is, but didn’t mention it. I felt like she was there for more than the book.

She eventually brought up her trip. She had found a holotape from the Overseer on which she revealed where she’d gone after Reclamation Day, when we all left Vault 76 to rebuild Appalachia. She wanted us Dwellers to come to her and help her with the next mission. I think that’s a lot to ask, considering she bailed on us and didn’t even stick around to say goodbye the day we left 76. Colleen doesn’t seem to have any issue with the Overseer’s actions, so I kept my feelings to myself.

Colleen located the house in Sutton, and found the Overseer with her Mr Handy, Davenport. They’re hatching some plan to bring all the settlers of Appalachia together. Apparently there’s a couple groups of people already, some settlers down south and some raiders up north. The Overseer thinks if she can find a way to protect everyone from something she calls the “Scorched Plague” and has Colleen working on it since Colleen’s background was research and development in the Vault. Colleen has discovered research done on a vaccine by a doctor at the hospital in Charleston and is working on getting that operation up and running. She explained the process, all the research that had been done and what’s left to do, but I was getting tired again and I’m vague on the details. Apparently she vaccinated herself so she could test it and she wants to get me vaccinated as soon as I can travel. I know we need to study the efficacy of this vaccine, but I’m not sure I want to be the guinea pig. Colleen seems fine, but it’s only been a week. Apparently there’s an auto doc that administers the vaccine, but Colleen wants to try to make it so that it can be taken to these people, rather than bring everyone to AVR. I see a lot of problems with this plan if the level of distrust I encountered is the norm for these groups.

I love that Colleen is trying to do what she feels is right for Appalachia, but I don’t trust the Overseer anymore. Something about the whole disappearing act put me off and I can’t just let it go like Colleen has. I just hope the Overseer doesn’t take advantage of her. I know Colleen went over that research carefully before deciding to take this on, and I know she’ll work on it relentlessly until everyone has access to the vaccine.

Right now, though, it’s nice to have my sister here taking care of me. Who knows where I’d be if she didn’t come home. I’m extremely thankful that I’m getting well and can spend some quality time with her. Maybe we can tackle this vaccination problem together. I have some ideas, but first, rest and recovery.

Happy to be writing again,

Mags

PS Colleen found a lemonade stand and brought me the best glass of lemonade I’ve had since the Vault! It was run by a prewar Mr Handy, who said he’s raising money for a sick child. I’m loving having her here!

#gaming #fiction #journal #fallout #fanfic