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#reactive abuse
traumatizeddfox · 1 year
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abusers be like : dam :/ the way you reacted to me abusing u just wasn’t it :/
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a-sip-of-milo · 4 months
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Nobody ever understands the affects of reactive abuse until they've experienced it themselves.
It shows particularly well when people would rather blame a child for reacting rather than the adult for abusing them in the first place.
When I was fourteen, my parents held me down to my bed, locked my window so I couldn't escape, took everything they knew I loved away from me (including contact with my grandmother, all my books, my music, all my diaries, etc.) and my step dad threatened to sit in the corner of my room and watch me for the entire night if I tried to escape. All while my three younger siblings watched me.
As a result, I had my first panic attack. It led me to attempting to break my window, smashing my mirror, becoming physically violent towards either of my parents when they attempted to come into my room, and nearly overdosing later that night after everyone had gone to bed.
For years, people ignored what I had gone through to get to that point. My parents had crafted such an elaborate story that painted themselves as the victims of my terrible abuse that nobody thought to question how I reached that point. Not the police. Not my school. Not even over half of my own family believed me. The extent of my suicidal ideations nearly put me in hospital multiple times over the following years, even succeeding once.
Reacting to abuse in this way is a cry for help. It's the equivalent of self-harm in my book, except directed towards others. That's not to say that it's okay, but more people seriously need to start looking at the bigger picture before making assumptions.
This blog is safe for people with NPD, BPD, HPD and ASPD.
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unwelcome-ozian · 6 months
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lily-orchard · 7 months
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I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe that your sister is lying about being molested for clout. As a victim of sexual violence myself, I can attest that nobody speaks out for the fun of it. Victims are ostracized and punished for doing so.
I’m truly sorry for the abuse you suffered, but suffering abuse is not a free pass to victimize others. Especially not your younger sibling.
This is an abusive person who has been given a dozen people who will believe ANYTHING. These creeps believe EVERYTHING negative said about me, no matter how extreme or hearsay it is.
You guys have accused me of lying about the most mundane things, and then turned around and believed every abuser I've had when they said "Oh yeah Lily's totally a super predator!"
You believe everything bad said about me because it's what you want to believe. I know victims of abuse are ostracized and punished for speaking out. You are literally taking part in it right now, fool.
"Nobody speaks out for the fun of it" Abusers do. They always do. I've been subjected to reactive abuse for most of my life, and that's all Courtney is doing right now. By their own math, this shit would have had to happen when I was six. If a six year old molests their younger sibling, anyone who is not an idiot would know something much bigger is going on. So even their own bullshit doesn't hold up if you take it at face value.
Whatever they think I did, what they're doing right now is libellous. And they're doing it for no other reason than spite, taking advantage of the fact that there's a dozen people who will believe anything said about me, and current day trans predator panic.
That you believe this crap off-hand, in spite of the fact that I have spoken about the reactive abuse in my home for years, makes you complicit in abuse, slander, and violence.
As I said in the podcast with KP, this psycho internet drama has consequences. I've been assaulted over this bullshit. Don't pretend to show me sympathy while taking part in a virtual lynch mob, you fucking cockroach.
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BTW acting in a way you know is triggering towards someone is reactive abuse and no you are not the victim.
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liminal-feeling · 2 years
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Fantasies
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only1lorrie · 3 months
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vizthedatum · 1 year
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You could be doing everything in your power to help yourself: therapy, medication, boundaries, trying to stay well nourished, calm and non-reactive
And then the reactive emotional abuse begins
And they attack you
They attack you and the whole atmosphere changes
You stay calm
Until you break (they know your vulnerabilities plus if they’re upset, you’ll just blame yourself anyway)
They’ll say then how emotionally unstable you are
How you’re always in a crisis
If you’re their ex, they’ll videotape the reaction to you breaking down from their abuse
They’ll seem like the calm and rational one
And you’ll feel like a monster who couldn’t “be kind and hold their emotions”
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healingwgabs · 5 months
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Reactive Abuse
pathologizing someone’s reaction to abuse is called reactive abuse… calling someone “crazy” or being labelled as having anger issues when the reality is that you're having appropriate expected normal reactions that make sense given the circumstance ... or getting misdiagnosed or being labelled w an externalizing style of BPD (petulant/impulsive) as a response to abuse (ie. narcissistic abuse) is one of many ways reactive abuse can manifest
Clinical discernment is so important in these cases, is it your environment thats creates these "symptoms" or is it pathology?? If a person is taken out of an environment (a toxic one), which ppl who are often diagnosed with BPD are from and currently still in, would they still be exhibiting these symptoms if placed in a healthier environment... its for these reasons thats transformative social justice is so important too.. the personal is always political. The stance that one's environment creates disability (in this case mental health pathology) can not only be applied to encourage critical thinking towards bpd diagnosis but to other mental health disabilities too like depression but to also advocate for necessary changes in broader society within policies n our government (broader safety nets) we also see this a lot with right-wing ppl calling ppl on the "left" unhinged for having justified appropriate reactions when those more vulnerable to them r being abused, disrespected, and having their rights and protections taken away
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blue-bubonic · 5 months
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For those who may be interested, Hollow has set up a separate account meant just for trauma dumping @abusive-aubrey .
For clarification, this blog will be more of an informative type blog. Screenshots from 👁️‍🗨️ and Aubrey’s discord chat as well as Hollow’s chats via tumblr dms with Aubrey and her alleged “alters” will also be shared. The purpose of the blog is to explicitly name the abusive actions that Aubrey used and show how this particular abuser utilizes abusive tactics such as DARVO, grooming and reactive abuse in plain, black-and-white text as means to inform not only how Aubrey herself specifically works, but how abusers in a general sense may behave. The blog will also provide catharsis in finally be able to talk about these things that she tried so hard to keep in the dark and gaslight us* about.
Since @abusive-aubrey is a more formal blog, our* personal vents (as in our* more emotional, PTSD-fueled venting) about Aubrey will continue to go here.
-🩺⭐️
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etherealsign282 · 7 months
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A simple conversation from my mother:
"I saw *insert ex abuser's name, I call her the Demon* the other day walking with some girl with blue hair"
"oh okay"
And that little conversation just stuck with me for I think a year and a half/two years? Bc it's like wow the last time I had a walk with the demon when we were actually dating, that wasn't her being drunk just to try and be funny and entertaining, she had a huffy fit the entire time bc she didn't even want to go for a walk bc it was hot and I may have reacted poorly to it, but bc I always did everything she wanted to do.
I watched the shitty racist show with her and laughed at her nonsense Sims playthrough even when I was busy playing my own game (and in the middle of a fight in said game and me not being interested to look right away because of that still pissed her off), I tried every song while she made her faces at any of the music I played that she didn't already know/enjoy.
I tried beer I hated and downed fireball whiskey mixed with coke whenever she wanted to be drunk even though its the worst tasting drink ever for me. And I sat for 20 minutes to get one good picture with her, or she would spam pictures 100+ times and hate every single one and we'd end up with maybe 10 good ones but I did it bc she wanted the control.
And I wasn't allowed to cry during sex when I was having doubts bc it got her out of the mood and I wasn't allowed to not be interested in physical affection bc it meant everything I did, didn't matter to her and I gave her zero effort. I had to be in the mood when she was in the mood and eventually she used lovebombing and manipulation tactics to use me for sex and then went back to ignoring me or resenting me right afterwards.
And all I wanted was one night to go for a walk.
It's not like I could've walked by myself bc I was barely alone during that time, she constantly wanted me around. Once she REALLY started the devaluing stage it really didn't matter what I did bc anything was going to be used against me and that depression made me stop doing ANYTHING I liked except escape with video games and sleep, including my walks. Even when I began ignoring her for several hours at a time just to escape from her constant ridicule, rxpey behavior, snotty comments, bossiness, and competitiveness, I never had the energy for things I liked. (Even though she started ignoring me for entire days first, I still felt guilty that when she did acknowledge my presence, I couldn't bear to acknowledge hers bc I knew it meant she wanted something from me again).
I just wanted to go for a walk with my girlfriend and do something with her that *I* liked and wanted to do. And it just blew up into something so much more when she couldn't even be bothered to do that.
But she could start when the relationship was over and she was back to having to hype herself up as a good person so I'd give her another chance; plus not having anything else to do. And just months after going no contact she can go for a walk with someone else.
It's just a walk. It's just a walk. It's just a walk.
But that's the entire point. It was just a walk- and she couldn't even do that for me while we were together without ruining it.
It's just a show - that she would've "died" over.
It's just a video game - that she would've "died" over.
It's just some alcohol - that she would've "died" over.
I had to treat it like it was life or death because she pretended it actually was. She would've threatened her own life (fake but still) and did constantly threaten herself when she couldn't get what she wanted immediately.
But it was just a walk and that's all it ever was to her.
The things I had to do to tolerate the abuse still upsets me, grey rocking and lying and venting about my issues with her to the other partner (talking about her abusive behavior and how much I can't handle it anymore, while she went around saying my art was bad and my depression wasn't important to her and that she hates me), and being passive aggressive just like her. But then I remember the walk. And how she couldn't even do that for me without making it about her.
I had not gotten one nice thing out of dating her except for the partner I saved from her (that WANTED to leave, make no mistake. I cannot homewreck a situation that isn't a home). Not even a goddamn walk. What I had to do to survive was entirely justified. What I had to do to push her down wasn't right but it was understandable. Now all that matters is what I do to fix the things I learned to become - so far I'm doing a pretty good job.
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hexpatient · 2 years
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in extreme situations, when things escalate, you dont think with your creative solving problems brain, you think with your panic survival instinctual brain. and whatever foolish or violent or CrAzy things you do in that moment, its automatic and self preservation. and in the case of abuse and such, i dont think those "reactive" behaviors can truly be judged as wrong, even if they are violent or even deadly actions.
(for context, imagine a woman who has been emotionally abused by her husband for over 10 years, who finally lashes out physically and accidentally kills him.)
theres this underlying assumption when people react to repeated abuse or brutality or whatever in an obviously impulsively violent or destructive way, is that if you were just smarter or a better person or had better self control, you could have escaped that escalation without doing something stupid, like causing injuries or death to the other person.
and not only is that untrue, its ultimately a myth of morality that no one can reach. in extreme situations, you survive or you dont. and your body and mind react automatically, sometimes un-ideally, to preserve your life at any cost. survival is not a place where morals really come into play... again, you live or you die. the methods of fighting to live when in that dangerous place being good or bad or crimes or not is kind of beside the point. but people love to judge in hindsight as if they are better and they feel smarter, like they wouldn't do something so stupid if in a similar situation themselves. (they arent. no one is.)
and again, in hindsight, it's convenient to label the extreme situation as one where supposedly no one was REALLY in danger, so you acted irrationally, so whatever harm you caused is not justified, because again, in the eyes of people who think they are immune, and the law, and supposed "rationale", we like to only label very specific situations as legitimate threats in ways that cut out violence and harms to things other than just plain physical bodily harm or death.
its exhausting and so cruel. it's like, imagine for a moment that abuse is like a thick cardboard box all taped up and you're stuck in there slowly running out of oxygen. and after trying to ask nicely for the box to let you out, and pleading with the box to stop being so suffocating, it actually contracts around you, trapping you in even tighter, and you're trying to escape the box without breaking the tape for YEARS, and finally just break down and use your fingernails and teeth to destroy the box and escape, leaving it torn into shreds. and then you get taken to court and put on trial socially as well for property damage, for being violent, and when you ask "what else was i supposed to do to escape?!" they shrug and say "you could have found a better way, without being so violent and destructive." im so tired. maybe we shouldn't brutally punish people for things outside of their control.
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unwelcome-ozian · 8 months
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For the anon who requested their ask not be posted.
WHAT IS REACTIVE ABUSE? When a victim has been in an abusive relationship for a while, they begin to defend themselves against emotionally violent attacks. The term reactive abuse refers to a victim’s defensive response to narcissistic abuse behaviors they have been experiencing over time. In fact, although it is called reactive abuse, MEND prefers the term reactive defense because a victim is not an abuser.
Reactive abuse occurs when the victim becomes the aggressor against the abuser, such as by pushing, punching, kicking, hair pulling, raging, or angry outbursts of aggressive verbal attacks. Reactive abuse is self-defense, not abuse.
This happens when the victim, who has been dealing with abusive behavior over a sustained period of time, reaches an internal breaking point. The prolonged physical or emotional abuse they have endured makes them lash out defensively in a hostile manner.
A victim who reacts abusively is usually acting out of character, leaving them confused and surprised by their response. Even though it comes out of the body’s natural defense mechanism, which is designed to protect them from violence, reactive abuse almost always harms the victim more than the abuser.
Oz
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traumatizedjaguar · 6 months
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I was always treated like shit by most of the friends I had in high school.
They pushed me away, pulled me in. Treated me like I was exploitable and that’s it.
Then when I react to the mistreatment I’m the crazy bitch.
I’m at fault. For what? Their lack of ability to set boundaries with me is my fault? Them playing with me, being manipulative is my fault?
I got yelled at by people who were friends with my toxic friends as if they knew what was even happening at the time.
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anthroxlove · 1 year
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REACTIVE “ABUSE”: WHAT IT IS AND WHY ABUSERS RELY ON IT
One of the most common tactics abusers use is to shift blame for the abuse onto the victim. The abuser will claim the victim is the abuser because of the reaction the victim has. The abuser may even attempt to convince the victim that there is nothing worth reacting over and that the victim is overreacting to the abuse. What the victim is actually experiencing is called reactive abuse.
Definition
Reactive abuse occurs when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing. The victim may scream, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser.
Why abusers rely on it
Abusers rely on this “reactive abuse” because it is their “proof” that the victim is unstable and mentally ill. The abuser will hold these reactions against the victims indefinitely. It could be years later and the abuser will say, “Well, back in (whatever year), you had this reaction and acted all crazy. You’re the crazy one! You need help.”
Sometimes abusers use this reaction as an excuse to go to police or even file for protective orders of their own.
A method of manipulation
To manipulate is to unfairly influence a situation. When an abuser claims they are the ones being abused, they are manipulating us into believing we are at fault for the abuse. The abusers are conditioning and manipulating us to accept the blame. The longer this blame shifting goes on, the longer we will believe we are to blame for the reactive outbursts and abuse that the abuser is dishing out. We will begin to believe we are the violent and unstable ones.
This manipulation can even go so far as to cause us to feel shame. When we react, it causes the abuser to claim we are the abusive ones. But these reactions also add a second element to the mix – they cause us to feel bad about ourselves to the point of guilt and shame. We act against what we know to be true about ourselves – that we are good, kind, capable, loving people. But that goes out the window when we experience the guilt and shame more and more. The guilt and shame that the abusers continue to condition us to feel.
Reactive abuse vs. mutual abuse
According to domesticshelters.org, mutual abuse is when both partners are equally abusive to one another. Many survivors often ask themselves if they are abusive too because of how they react, but the truth is that mutual abuse is very rare and many experts don’t believe it exists. The power and control dynamics involved in domestic violence would make it nearly impossible for both partners to be abusive.
The key word here is “react.” That’s the difference between reactive abuse and mutual abuse. Victims and survivors react to the abuse doled out by the abuser.
What we can do instead
When you see yourself reacting in this manner, many times you begin to say to yourself, “Whoa, this isn’t me. This isn’t how I am normally.” When you begin to ask yourself those questions, you know something is not right with the relationship. I know I thought those things before – that I knew how I was reacting wasn’t me. It wasn’t who I was. That’s what the abuser wants – to make you question yourself, your character, and your integrity. But many times, by the time we get to the point of asking ourselves those questions, we are either too scared to leave the abuser or we just don’t have the means to do so.
So what can we do instead? The abusers bank on us reacting negatively to their tactics. When we begin to truly think about how we respond to them, we are taking back our power. We begin to respond and not react. To react is almost like an automatic thing – it’s the fight or flight response. But responding involves a thought process that requires us to really consider our thoughts and actions.
Within the realm of domestic violence, there is always one who initiates or instigates the problems in the relationship. It comes back to that one person needing power and control over their  victim. That’s what abuse is – the imbalance of power. The abuser, however, would like us to believe otherwise and say, “Well, we were abusive to each other. It’s mutual abuse.” It’s because the abusers will never accept responsibility for their actions and instead shift blame for the abuse onto us.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there is help. You can visit the Break the Silence website at www.breakthesilencedv.org or chat with one of our helpline advocates at 855-287-1777.
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By the way someone being angry and yelling at you when you invalidate their trauma is normal when you know that what they went through was traumatizing. They did not abuse you because you were the abusive one because you engaged in reactive abuse.
Reactive abuse is when you engage in a behavior that is so bad that the other person snaps and acts aggressive towards you. The abuser will then weaponize this reaction against you.
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