#ragne | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cromulentbookreview · 1 year

Text

Cult-Adjacent

You know that blissful feeling you get when that book you really loved but thought was just a standalone suddenly gets a sequel? Does it need a sequel? Not really, it works just fine as a standalone, but don’t you want a sequel? In fact, wouldn’t you love for it to be a trilogy? HELL YES.

And by that I mean:

PAINTED DEVILS by Margaret Owen!

So Little Thieves is one of my favorite books of all time. I absolutely loved it. If you haven’t read Little Thieves, then the review for its sequel isn’t going to make much sense. So why not go on and go read Little Thieves before you continue? Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Ok, did you read it? Are you all caught up? You won’t be confused as to why Vanja is carrying around a bag of rubies? Or, you know, who the hell Vanja even is? Ok, good. In that case, Painted Devils picks up shortly after the end of Little Thieves, with our favorite daughter of Death and Fortune stumbling around in the middle of the night, blind drunk.

You know how things go when you're drunk and miserable - you might post something stupid on social media, text someone you shouldn't, accidentally start a cult, you know. Normal drunk person things. It could happen to anyone! Besides, it's not like Vanja set out to start a cult. No, she just needed to get back the rubies she spilled into a river while drunk. It was too cold to gather them all up out of the freezing water herself. So Vanja made up a story about a low God called the Scarlet Maiden (ScarMad?) coming to her in a vision to trick the townsfolk by the river into helping her get the rubies back. A simple trick, no harm now foul. She fully intended to take off the moment she’d gotten the rubies back.

Like so:

Only it doesn't end there. I mean, the book would be pretty damn short if it did. But one "miracle" after another gets attributed to the Scarlet Maiden and suddenly Vanja is the Maidens prophet and…yeah, she's leading a cult.

Vanja keeps telling herself she'll cut and run soon, leaving the little town of Hagendorn behind and letting the cult die a natural death. Only she doesn't leave. She stays, and stays, and the cult keeps growing. Vanja even gets her own place, even if it is just a lean-to attached to the Ros Brothers' house.

There is a problem, though (well, more than just one...). The cult is growing faster than Vanja can keep up with it. So fast, the Prefects of the Godly Courts have sent someone to Hagendorn to investigate this supposed new god. And who else do they send but Emeric Conrad himself.

Which brings us back to the reason why Vanja was drunk and miserable and spilling rubies into a river in the first place. After Minkja, Conrad caught Vanja again, and together they decided to head up to Conrad’s hometown of Helligbrücke. Only a few days out, though, Vanja caught a terrible case of the self-doubts. She didn’t think herself worthy of Emeric, so she wanted to strike out and make something of herself - become someone more than a thief and a liar. So she wrote Emeric a letter saying as much.

...and regretted it almost immediately. But by then it was too late: the letter had been sent, and she didn’t head onto Helligbrücke. Instead, Vanja wandered aimlessly in a different direction, got spectacularly drunk and accidentally started a cult.

And now the accounting ledger who wished to be a real boy, aka Emeric Conrad, aka the boy Vanja is maybe in love with, is here to investigate. He is not amused.

After an incredibly awkward reunion, complete with screaming goats, Emeric and Vanja resolve to talk it out. But before they can even begin to deconstruct everything that’s happened in the past few months, the actual Scarlet Maiden appears, rising out of a red mist like an evil Florence Welch.

Which is pretty damn terrifying, considering the Scarlet Maiden is supposed to be made up.

The Scarlet Maiden promises the people of Hagendorn all sorts of blessings, so long as they hold a feast in her honor at Midsummer and sacrifice one among them who is “unclaimed.” Seeing Emeric, and sensing that he’s “unclaimed,” the Scarlet Maiden marks him as her sacrifice. So now Emeric and Vanja have two months to figure out how to break the Scarlet Maiden’s claim over him before she claims her sacrifice.

And if you think that’s bad, don’t worry, it gets worse! Yay!

See, Emeric is in the middle of the second phase of his testing to become a fully-fledged prefect. With him is basically a supervisor/examiner, proctor Elske Kirkling. Kirkling immediately hates Vanja, thinking her guilty of fraud against the people of Hagendorn in the creation of the Scarlet Maiden. So Kirkling decides to make the Case of the Scarlet Maiden* Emeric’s Finding - a test case that will determine whether or not he can become a full prefect.

Basically, Kirkling is trying to back Emeric into a corner, where he must choose: does he want to be a prefect, something he’s wanted since he was 10-years-old, or Vanja?

Yeah, Kirkling is the worst.

Throughout all of this, it becomes painfully clear Scarlet Maiden means when she says she wants an “unclaimed” sacrifice. She wants a virgin. Meaning, someone who has never had sex. Specifically, penetrative sex. The penis in vagina kind.** Anyway, This sends our poor demi couple Vanja and Emeric into a tizzy. They’d resolved to take things slowly, figuring out what they’re comfortable with at their own pace. So Vanja asks the Scarlet Maiden: what would happen if someone “claims” her sacrifice before Midsummer? The Scarlet Maiden offers up an alternative: if she can’t have her virgin sacrifice, she’ll take one drop of blood from seven brothers instead.

And, as luck would have it, Udo and Jakob Ros, the brothers with whom Vanja had been living, happen to be two of seven. The other five don’t live too far away, either. So, with the help of the Ros sister, Helga, Vanja, Emeric, and Proctor Kirikling head off to track down the remaining five Ros Brothers, which, of course, leads to all sorts of adventures, including a heist in the palace of a corrupt prince, a conspiracy involving brothels and a boat that got stuck in a canal, a haunted ghost doll that doubles as a walking, talking wikipedia, a Wild Hunt led by a powerful Goddess… all that while Proctor Kirkling conspires to have Vanja thrown in prison, and Emeric and Vanja try to figure out their relationship.

Oh, and the Scarlet Maiden keeps getting stronger.

Vanja & Emeric’s life right now:

I absolutely loved every minute of this book. There are multiple storylines going on at once, but it never feels convoluted or confusing. There is so much love and emotion in this book, it’s beautiful and heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. Vanja and Emeric continue to be two of my favorite characters of all time - they can be both equal parts diabolical and sweet, and they care about one another so much. Emeric even spent their three month separation mooning over Vanja, which leads to a hilarious Backstreet Boys reference (I saw what you did there, Margaret Owen. Don’t think I didn’t). There are a lot of scenes of Vanja and Emeric being a normal couple and I love it. They bicker, miscommunicate, get into fights, and then - gasp shock! - resolve said fight by actually communicating with one another. Can you imagine?!? And while they want to be intimate with one another, they don’t want to rush into it. They don’t want to force things, or do anything the other might not be comfortable with. It’s just so sweet and I love them and want to smush their faces like so:

Basically, the moment I finished Painted Devils, I was screaming, crying, throwing up...it's so good you guys. So good. It is the sequel Little Thieves needed, it is everything you will want and more. Your heart will be ripped from your chest and thrown in a bin but in the best possible way. I just love Vanja and Emeric so damn much and I can’t wait to see them again in book 3!

Seriously there are scenes that feel like:

But also scenes that feel like:

It’s just so damn good.

RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone who enjoyed Little Thieves, anyone who likes a good, Germanic Fairy Tale inspired YA demi romance between two adorable cinnamon buns who are just trying their best, anyone who has ever gotten so drunk that they accidentally started a cult.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone not a fan of YA, anyone who doesn’t think asexuality or demisexuality is a thing (if you think that, please fuck right off and don’t come back), anyone who thinks that getting drunk and accidentally starting a cult isn’t something that could happen, brothel owners who refuse to pay their workers, proctors who have no appreciation for what is clearly true love, goats who scream exclusively in letters with ring diacritics, anyone who hates joy or long waits for the last book in a series.

RELEASE DATE: May 16, 2023

RATING: 5/5

TOTALLY UNBIASED FANGIRL RATING: 500,000,000,000 / 5

ANTICIPATION LEVEL FOR BOOK 3: Too high to calculate.

HOW I FELT WHEN I FINISHED MY E-ARC OF THIS BOOK:

HOW WAITING FOR BOOK 3 CURRENTLY FEELS:

*(which definitely needs to be some sort of Little Thieves/Sherlock Holmes AU crossover fic, please make it happen internet).

**(Yes, that’s right, Vanja, I said penis).

#painted devils #margaret owen #little thieves #vanja schmidt #emeric conrad #scarlet maiden #ya fantasy #ya sequel #book review #vanja/emeric #youre in a cult call your dad #ragne #death and fortune #little thieves 2

18 notes · View notes