#putting them all into the thing is harder than i thought but im still gunna try!!!

[buckyscrystalqueen]

The Difference: Part 1

Pairings: Mark Sheppard x Reader

Warnings: None??? Swearing must likely...

Word Count: 3204

A/N: So I’m back..... IDK Im outta shape on posting here, y’all.... hope you enjoy it, OK?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In your opinion, first dates were literally the worst, but with a very involved Greek mother and grandmother, a large, extremely loud group of Italian aunts on your father’s side, and a persistent twin sister, you didn’t have a choice but to go on them. Because God forbid you say no. That two letter word was like a grenade in your household. Your mother, who you currently lived with because you were a single mother, would instantly start praying for your soul before calling your sister to pray with her as well. Your father, who was a giant instigator no matter how much he denied it, would head upstairs to ‘stay out of it’, have a brief conversation with his mother, and the phone tree would be instantly activated. Within a matter of minutes, you had your Nonna and eight aunts in your room, reminding you once again, that a single mother of four quadruplet boys, needed a man in your life. 

So you simply went on the dates, used your one year olds as a ‘you don’t want me because I’ve got a lot of baggage’, and left before the waiter could even take your drink order just to sit in your car for an hour in silence. It wasn’t that you didn’t love being a mother. Shit, your boys made you a better person every single day. But there were four of them, and they were all a little over a year old now. And while you were so fortunate that they were all healthy babies, your second son, Luca, was born with Down Syndrome. Even with all the help your immediate and extended family gave you every single day, you still felt like you were drowning in dirty diapers and doctors appointments most days. 

“You’re Mark?” You asked, dismissively as you stopped beside the chair the hostess had pointed out to you in Fogo de Chāo, one of your favorite Brazilian steakhouses, and took off your jacket. He looked up at you and nodded his head once as you sat down and took a deep breath. “Alright, I’m sorry you wasted your time in coming all the way here. I’ll make this quick. I’m 29, single… obviously… I work as a contract linguist for Homeland Security in the Pentagon, and I’m the mother of quadruplets that are fourteen months old and who have no father. So, while you process that, I’m going to drink my water and then head out because usually by the time that information sinks in, men tend to either get a surprise phone call or they have to run to the bathroom only to never come back. I don’t give a shit one way or another. Again, sorry you wasted your time.” You picked up your water glass and took a long swig as your date stared at you and blinked a few times.

“Quadruplets…” He said in a British accent you weren’t expecting as you grabbed your jacket off the back of your chair. “That’s four, correct?”

“Correct.”

“What’s the gender split?” You actually froze with your arm in the sleeve and looked over at him, unbelievingly, because he was the first date to actually ask that question.

“Excuse me?”

“Four boys? Four girls? Mixture of both?” It was your turn to blink a few times in shock as you let your arm fall to your side.

“Four… boys. Do you actually give a damn, or are you just trying to get laid, here?” A huffed chuckled bubbled up from his throat as he picked up his napkin, and laid it across his lap.

“I’m genuinely curious. And I happen to be gentleman, thank you. I am a firm believer in the third date rule.”

“Oh, are you now?” You laughed as you took off your jacket again and draped it over the back of your chair. “You’re that cocky you think you’ll get to a third date with women?”

“Not in the least. I believe the accent alone gets me to the third date and I was raised to respect women.”

“So waiting until only the third date is respectful?”

“I never specified the length of time between dates, darling. This could be date one, but between now and date two, we could have lunch half a dozen times at work, since we both work for the Pentagon.”

“Those are dates.”

“Those are not dates.” He corrected as he got up to start with the appetizer bar in the center of the dining room. “I never said I’d pay for your lunches.”

“Oh, you’re slick.” You giggled as you got up to follow him. “You’re real slick.”

“I try.” He chuckled. “So a linguist, huh? What language?”

“Greek and Italian.”

“Wow. And.” He said as he looked over at you, impressed. “Two languages?”

“Since I was born. See, my mother is Greek. She moved to this country when she was two years old with her twin, my Yaya, and my Papou. So she speaks both Greek and English. Now my father is from Italy. He’s the oldest and he has eight sisters. Huge family. My Nonna and my Nonno moved to the states before my dad was born but, like my mother, he speaks two languages. So when my twin sister, Emma and I were born, it became a battle with my grandparents on which language we spoke. So we speak both fluently.”

“See, I’ve worked with your sister before.” He commented as he waited for you to finish with the salad bar. “She did some translating for me at the request of Ben…”

“Oh, so are you a lawyer with Ben?” He nodded his head as he set his plate down in his spot and pulled your chair out for you.

“I do have quite a few years on him but yes, we are colleagues.”

“Oh what, like ten, maybe?”

“You’re generous.” He breathed as he took the seat beside you and flipped his card over. “I’ve been with the NSA for nearly thirty years… and don’t point out your age here. Emma thinks it’s hilarious to point it out every time she comes into the office to visit with young Benjamin.”

“She’s a bitch.” You said with a nod as you ripped a piece of cheese bread with your fingers and popped it in your mouth. “You get used to it.”

“Now, are you two fraternal twins? Because you look nothing alike…”

“You know, it’s funny you ask.” You sort of mumbled around your bite, which you swallowed quickly. “We’re identical. But it’s like fifty fifty on who can see it. My mom couldn’t tell us apart to save her life, but my dad has no issue. Half my aunts can tell, half can’t. Our boss can, Ben can half the time but I think he cheats, you can obviously tell. My sons are an even split, too.”

“Are any of them identical?” You nodded and let out a small sigh, taking a minute to take a drink of water for a break.

“Two of them are.” You started as you looked over at him, knowing that this was the second hurdle to get over with dates. “My youngest, Theo and Thomas. Evan and Luca are fraternal. And just like me and my sister, it’s fifty fifty on who can tell them apart. My mom can and she’s super proud of that.”

“I know you have photos.” He said as he nodded at the waiter that was making his round with a skewer of hot, top sirloin.

“Oh, I have thousands.” You confirmed as you, too, agreed to some top sirloin while pulling your phone out of your purse. “But… just…” You sighed the slightest bit and lit up the screen of your phone. “Sorry, I’m protective.”

“I already know.” He nearly whispered as he put his hand on yours over the phone as the screen went dark again. “Ben has an old photo of them on his desk. When he suggested this date, he told me you’d be stand-offish to protect them, and he gave me a very brief reason why. It doesn’t scare me, darling. Your strength just makes me even more fond of you.” You looked up at him and nodded your head with a hint of tears in your eyes.

“Evan is the oldest.” You started as you lit up the screen again and laid your phone flat on the table. “He is my trouble maker. That little man can get into everything and anything in the blink of an eye. Then Luca is next. He’s my little miracle; I almost lost him twice in the NICU but he is such a fighter. I can’t tell you how many times people said I should have terminated him because he has Down syndrome. But he has taught me… so much more than any school or any thing could just in this last year, and he continues to teach me more every day. Theo, then Thomas are next. I don’t think they look anything alike…”

“Really?” Mark asked incredulously. “See they look identical to me, here.”

“Photos are a little harder with the two of them for me.” You agreed as you pushed your phone  across the table. “I have to take an extra second to really look. But face to face there is no question. They are two completely different personalities. All my boys are so different. And they all give me a run for my money.”

“Boys will do that.” He chuckled as he nodded at the next waiter, who had parmesan pork. “I think I can consider myself an expert and say that, as they get older, they will be even more of a handful.”

“You’re not helping here.” You giggled around a bite and behind your hand.

“You don’t think so? I think I am being extremely helpful.”

“No, now you’re just making me regret that I didn’t keep putting my coat on.”

“Oh, now why would you go and say a mean thing like that?” He asked as he put his hand over his heart. “Darling, that hurts. I thought I was doing so well.”

“Nope. You made it three steps forward and jumped eight back.”

“Bloody hell. I’m gunna have to try even harder, now. I love a challenge.”

——

You were actually pleasantly surprised with how your night went, and you were actually even more surprised that your date, which started at six PM, lasted through, an exorbitant amount of meat, salad, and cheesy bread, two amazing split desserts, and some absolutely amazing conversation. You pulled into the driveway at your house in Arlington at quarter to eleven, and you were only partially surprised to see all of the female half of your extended family waiting up for you.

“No!” You said as you walked through the front door with a shake of your head. “No, I’m not doing this…”

“(Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N) you sit down and you talk to us right now.” Your Yaya, Calliope, demanded in Greek as you walked through the front room of the house you grew up in.

“It’s late, Yaya.” You tried before your mom’s twin, your Aunt Selene side stepped in front of you in the kitchen doorway.

“You sit down and you tell us about this man or we will go down and wake those babies up until you talk to us, you hear me?” You sighed at her and rolled your eyes. It was moments like these where you disliked having a big family, because you knew that they would absolutely wake up your boys if you didn’t stop and spill.

“He’s very nice.” You started as you held on to the door frame to take off your heels. “Funny, charming…”

“Did you kiss him?”

“I don’t trust him.”

“Did you sleep with him already?”

“Did he pay for dinner?”

“Was he a gentleman?”

“OK, you guys need to just chill.” You said as you held your hand up and looked at the room of women. “I can’t answer six questions at once, in three different languages, at eleven at night. So here’s the run down. Yes, he paid for dinner. Yes, he was a gentleman. Emma wouldn’t have set it up if he wasn’t. No I didn’t sleep with him, yes, I did kiss him. Yes, he was very good at it. He’s got a British accent, he’s taller than me, he is divorced, he has no kids but wants and loves them, and he works as an attorney for the NSA with Ben. 

Now, I’m going to love on my babies, and go to bed because my lovely offspring love nothing more than to wake me up at the asscrack of dawn… sorry Nonna… Yaya…” You apologized as you held your hand up apologetically at your two grandmothers for swearing in front of them. “I love you all, and I will tell you more at family dinner on Sunday. Good night, go home, please. It’s bedtime.” You waved your hand at your aunts and grandmothers on your way to the kitchen, and they started collecting their things as your mother, Zoe, came running up behind you.

“Theo’s still up with your father.” She sighed as she handed you the baby monitor. “He didn’t eat much dinner…”

“Did you try laying him down with Thomas?” You asked as you stopped at the sound proofed basement door.

“He wasn’t having it. He just wanted his Mama.” With a huff, you kissed her cheek, and opened the door. 

“Thanks, Mom. I really appreciate it.”

“It was a group effort, baby.” She said as she pat your shoulder. “Sweet dreams.”

“You too, Mommy. Love you.” She repeated the sentiment to you as you stepped on to the landing leading down to the basement, which was your and Emma’s former play room when you were kids and was now the studio apartment you shared with your four babies. You smiled at the older man who was sitting in a Lazy Boy in the middle of the room by the bathroom as he stopped rocking and nodded his head hello at you. “Hi, Dad.”

“Hey… there’s mama, see?” You smiled at your little boy as he picked his head up off your dad’s chest and looked over at you.

“Mama.” Theo choked as he turned and reached out for you with tears in his eyes.

“Oh, little man. Come here.” You dropped your shoes on the carpet and tossed your purse and jacket on your bed so you could take your son from your father.

“His bed time bottle is in the fridge. He didn’t touch it and he ate maybe three raviolis for dinner. I’m going up to bed.”

“Thanks Daddy. I’ll see you in the morning.” He nodded his head, sleepily as he trudged up the stairs, as your current little cry baby buried his face in your throat. “Alright, Theo. You gotta go to sleep, OK? But you can lay with mama for a little while. Only a little while, then you have to go in your bed.”

“No.”

“You can try to tell me no all you want, baby boy but you are gunna go to bed in your own bed tonight. Mama needs her own bed.” You grabbed the green capped bottle from the shelf of the fridge in the small kitchenette that, as a child, you never understood its purpose, but you were really grateful for as an adult. You dropped the bottle in the warmer on the counter and reached back behind your back to unzip your dress with a sigh. Theo protested a bit when you walked over and set him down on your king sized bed by the stairs, and he crawled across the blankets after you when you walked over to your small closet between the four cribs to throw your dress in your hamper and put on PJ’s. He slid off the bed, which was just a mattress and a box spring on the floor for that exact reason, and toddled after you into the bathroom.

“Oh, now we’re just being annoyingly needy.” You sighed when he latched himself on to your leg while you took off your makeup and ran a brush through your hair. Theo simply continued to sniffle until you finished and finally picked him up again. With one final heavy sigh, you grabbed his bottle and flipped off the lights, which didn’t do much since you had night lights all over the room so you could see your boys in the middle of the night. 

“Alright, bed time. Bed time.” You let out a relieved breath as you sat down on your bed and leaned back against the wall. Once Theo was settled in your arms with his bottle, you shoved your jacket on the floor and retrieved your phone from your bag before it followed your jacket. You glanced at the screen out of habit, looking at your sweet boy’s smiling faces, and you smiled at the text from Mark from a few minutes before.

— Hope you made it home safe. I had a wonderful time tonight. Look forward to seeing you again. 

You unlocked the screen and hit the message with your thumb.

— I had a fantastic time. I’m really glad you convinced me to stay, even if that third glass of wine is making taking care of this needy little boy a little difficult.

You hit the camera icon and flipped the view toward you and your son. You choose not to care that you didn’t have make up or a bra on any more, and took the photo of you and the beautiful, blue eyed little boy laying against your chest.

— Oh the joys of being a mother.

You set the phone down on your thigh and started to hum, hoping that you could get Theo to fall asleep quickly so you could get a couple hours yourself. Your eyes fell closed and your head gently hit the wall behind you, and the small suckling sound your son made mixed in with the sound machine that helped Evan fall asleep better than anything you had tried became your lullaby. You and Theo had both started to drift off, when your phone buzzed on your thigh.

— Oh, poor thing. I hope he goes to bed quickly for you. Sweet dreams, (Y/N). Good night… I’m gunna guess Thomas.

You smirked and glanced down at the finally sleeping little boy in your arms.

— Nope. This is Theo. Good try, though. Good night, sweetheart.

You set your phone down on your pillow and very carefully stood up to put your son to bed. He fussed for a couple seconds when you pulled the abandoned bottle from his hand and laid him down, but he thankfully stayed asleep. After checking the other three babies, you dumped out the remnants of the bottle in the sink, filled it with water, and simply left it to deal with in the morning with the boys breakfast dishes. You were already half asleep when you trudged back over to your bed and you were sound asleep the moment your head hit your pillow.

Part 2

#mark sheppard x reader #The Difference

[celestialallstars]

Episode #1: “This cast, fuck me, fuck them.” - Rhys

Ok so my pregame thoughts. It seems like there are a lot of contenders that were threats in their original seasons just based off of placements. I’m really gonna try to use this to my advantage because in my season, I don’t think I was very threatening. Unfortunately I’ll miss the cast reveal, but I’m hoping that doesn’t put me in a bad spot. This game is gonna be tough, but I know I can do it. At least make merge. You need small goals in order to achieve bigger ones. Cast assessment coming up next :)

Y'all I am ANXIOUS! I've had a bad run recently and for the most part I never really care that much. But if I flop on this season I'll die of sadness. Okay but for real, I want to do well this season and idk what kind of people I'm going to be up against, and I couldn't even get my intro to send like i'm such a joke. Ugh y'all how can I be this stressed already.

Just roughly 2 hours before we're gonna really dive into the thick of things. There are so many things I wanna say and so many things I'm just beyond excited about. I really think this is gonna be a Top Tier Season.

I'm vowing to make the most of my stay no matter how long or short. I'm gonna try to drive the pessimist in my mind away and do my best to avoid being that early boot just because I'm a previous winner. Y'all better watch out!

This is gonna be FuCkInG LiT!!!

Getting ready for this season, I'm honored tbh. I feel like it's my first fully-legit-no-strings-attached All-Stars appearance. I was on EMBB All-Stars, but only because I was an alternate for Jake and he decided to be a host instead. Being invited back on my merits exclusively feels amazing, I just hope I can live up to my own expectations in this game and take home the win.

Hi I’m super excited to be brought back to play this game. I’m gonna play maybe a little harder but I’m hoping to keep my gameplay very similar to last season cause it did me well I just need to not freak out. I’m really looking forward to seeing who I’m playing with and I know this season will be fun.

So. This cast, fuck me, fuck them. Like they all seem so much more capable than me. Like bitch bye.

My tribe honestly idk yet. They seem cool,  haven’t talked to most of them yet. So I’ll get back on that.

The only person I’m not happy is cast is Michael. Bitch hated me for no reason last season. So bitch best watch his back cause I’m bringing this hatred back this season.

Also one world can fuck off

So I am meeting everyone and honestly so far this is a nice group. A mixture of old faces like Zach and Loris and new ones like everyone else! Everybody is radical, but I am gonna try and give it a short moment before giving an assessment. Having that said, im gonna get dragged and murdered by this cast....call the police.

Hi so the game has just started and I feel like already so much has happened it has been intense. This cast? stacked. One world? intense. Me? crying.

This entire cast is so iconic and so loved I honestly don't know how to feel rn I am scared as all hell but I'm ready to fight for my fucking life. I'm also quite glad for the one world because I love the idea of being able to socialise with EVERYONE since that's such a strong point of my game for me considering I'm horrific in challenges. I just really hope I can pull things off this season and actually have someone like me and prove that I am in fact worthy of an all star title.

Being on call with people from the one world chat is honestly so fun and I can tell this is going to be a great season and we're literally only like 2.5 hours in. I really wanna make it to the end so I can experience it in it's fully glory.

amazingly, i don't think me being an admin is going to be to a problem??? i wanna thank you three beauts for giving me a wonderful tribe. i love matt, bodhi's hilarious, alyssa intimidates me but she's cute and i love allying strong women, tobi forced me to keysmash, and mo and karthik are kind of blase but its ONLY NIGHT ONE. all in all, think i can survive on this tribe. just get me to merge baby i cannot go premerge in this org if annas not gonna play then I CANT LET US DOWN

So we've officially landed in this ORG, and immediately smacked in the face with a flaccid twist that is One World. So instead of trying to balance 6 relationships I have to balance 20. I'm of course already a mess trying to keep track of it all.

Bodhi and I already have an instant F2, we'll see how that works out given we aren't even on the same tribes. Meanwhile I'm already in love with Bryce as a person and trying to possible Corral all the winners together. Obviously we need to make sure the Winners make it to merge.

I think on my tribe specifically I'm probably getting along best with Mitch, I think Rhys has a similar sense of humor as me but he went to bed too early for me to figure out more. There's a ton more sweet people on the other tribes too I just don't have time to delve into all of them, nor do I have enough substance to any of them to develop opinions anyway.

I have an idea as far as connections go for this tribe but I'm not sure yet if it is strong. Loris is sleeping though I did talk with everyone else. I have a feeling Chloe/Zach would be safest but also that Chloe/Michael might be together. Regardless I think I'll be sticking with Zach if I can help that. Drew seems nice too and Sharky seems it too. Not sure how things will go but I do have to be smart since I would be the easy choice as winner if we lose. I'm gonna be optimistic about it all though :) as for the people on other tribes I'll get to them later. This is going to be fun!

________________________________________________________________

Now that I can see the actual twist (am dummy) I have to try and make some alliances between and in the tribes. I mean making one with the winners shouldn't be too hard but I am gonna want something with a few member here and there from each. I think things are about to get much difficult because I can tell lot of these people are more familiar with each other with their histories and I am just like "hi..." so I def need to wedge myself on in there some way..I've got my work cut out for me

HI ASDDASJKLASDLJK I was so nervous but like.. I feel my victory coming.. I'm pulling my weight in the challenge I think and our tribe's pretty cool!! It's all stars.. so like.. it's no surprise that I like everyone. Sharky seems to be busy so like.. if we lose that could be a good scapegoat.. ALSO?? i was on the blog and i was like wow jones' fairy drawing is so pretty.. so i hovered over it and accidentally clicked it.. and.. i found my legacy advantage again ADSALKDKLJASKLD. and anna said to make sure you search the blog to learn about people and i didnt even see that......... im so lucky :)

So this is so exciting. I’m trying to get to know everyone. Theres one person i was effy about on my tribe and that was Jared. But he’s been talking to me and been nice. But i still have my eyes 👀 on him. Its been nice catching up with Bryce. And been talking to Mitch Rhys and Kori. I hope i can get myself in a good social position where even if im not in their alliance, that im not someone they want to take out. But this time im gunna use my bonds to my advance and hopefully it gets me to the end.

Hi i don't really know what to say right now I just know I wanted to put down some thoughts. So far I'm so fucking in love with this entire cast I'm pretty sure I've spoken to every single person in one way or another which is great, I love to see people fully invested into a season they're playing. I also really love this first challenge, although scavenger hunts stress me the fuck out because i find so many items are so hard to find, I'm just hoping my tribe can pull out a win for us and I'm sure they will cause they're all so iconic and I love them all with my whole heart already.

So I've spoken more to people thusfar and like currently I'm speaking more to people I've spoken to before which like isn't great, because i hate relying on past relations. Like i am speaking to others who are new, its just a bit awkward. So lets push by that and hopefully they aint boring af.

Well so far I've gotten a few items on my list done. Progress is slow but steady. I'm a bit worried about this tribe given it seems like all of us being on at the same time might be unlikely. (That and we're halfway through and only 2 of us have added items to our list.)

I might just be too uptight though, we'll probably be fine. I haven't gotten to talk with people today as much as I wanted as a result of balancing the other ORG and this one as well as apartment hunting and scavenging. I'm beginning to think I planned poorly and have too much on my plate at the moment...

BUT I WILL PERSEVERE! YES SIR'RE I WILL!

CAST ASSESSMENT TIMEEEE Let me start with Orfero Chris- So chris is someone who I think can either go really far as an UTR threat like he did his first season, or be an early boot. I think him and I have a similar playstyle, but he is much more poetic and structured. I am really looking forward to play with him again! We dominated in afvv and im glad he won, but I won't let that happen again. He's too good. ioris- Honestly I see ioris as more of a goat. Maybe that's false perception, but I could easily see him latching onto someone for the long haul and not being respected later on. As of now, I don't think I would work with ioris, but if the situation arises, I wont hesitate. Drew H- OK I LOVE DREW FIRST OF ALL. I am actually SUPER excited that we are finally playing a game together. I really want to work with him, but unfortunately I think he is too threatening to the point where he wont make it far. Michael- Ok so this was definitely a wildcard. I think Michael is someone to watch out for. I don't know how he'll fair in this game, knowing that people recognize his gameplay. He could either go mid merge or permerge, but I dont think he has a shot at winning. Sharky- Sharky is someone I'm unfamilar with, and for that reason alone, I am guessing he makes it deep by flying UTR while winning challenges. Zach- Zach is another sneaky player. I really would love to work with him after our relationship in emvv4 where I voted him out at f10. He is definitely not someone to brush under the rug though, because he is also very threating. I predict a mid merge boot for Zach. Clohie- I personally don't see Clohie as much of a threat,  but I hope she proves me wrong. We have had limited discussion, but I can tell she is here to play. I predict she will make FTC this time, but only time will tell

Alignments: For Orfero, I can see Chris ioris and Zach on one side, Michael Drew H and Sharky on the other with  Clohie in the middle

Tuatha Kori- I've been itching to play an org with kori too and im glad we are on the same tribe because i know how well he can perform in challenges. He is probably my closest ally right now, so I really hope he gets far. My prediction is early merge for him. Rhys- Rhys seems so sweet. We havent had much conversation due to timezone issues, but I'd love to work with Rhys. He is super charming and I think he can go far! My prediction for rise is late merge. Maynor- Maynor is probably the person most difficult to talk to. I have discussed with Kori and he says that his weakest relationships are with Maynor and Jared, so i think its telling that maynor might be an early boot. Jared- I think jared is super cool and he's been a player I have to watch VERY carefully. I do see myself working with him because our convos have been good so far, but I feel like he can be a good talker. We'll see how it turns out but i predict Jared being a premerge boot. He claimed to be a crackhead in confessionals though so we'll see :). Stephen Z- Man i really wish I had better conversations with him!! I think he is super cool, but he does not seem to remember who I am. If our convos improve like I hope they will, I could see Stephen going early merge. Bryce- I really like bryce too but he is soooo unpredictable and sketchy. I think his  cast reveal intro shed bad light on him to other players too, but I know from experience. I see bryce being a premerge boot, but I hope he proves me wrong. I just dont feel like I can fully trust him.

Alignments: For Tuatha, I see myself aligning closely with Kori and Jared. I dont know what the dynamics would be, but I feel like Maynor is already on the outs.

Cyrena Mo- I LOVE MO SO MUCH. What a gem. I met him in TS Montenegro and he considered me one of his closest allies and saved me from elimination at f9 only for me to vote him out at f8. I still feel bad but im hoping we can mend our relationship and go far together. I actually do think he could make a deep run and  definitely get to finale by laying low. Tobi- Tobi and I in games USUALLY don't end up on the same sides. That being said, I'd love to work with Tobi and I hope he makes merge unlike in emvvas. Matt- Matt is another mystery for me. On one hand, I know he is not only a host favorite but a fan favorite as well, but on the other I  dont really know what he brings to the table. Another wildcard for me that I see going early merge. Jack- Jack and I have a history for sure LOL. It feels like we play every game together. I think Jack is a super nice person, and I'd love to work with him again. We dont really mesh on a personal level which makes it difficult, but I learned my lesson of trying to avoid Jack in emvvas (he got me out) Bodhi- I've seen bodhi around a bit, and can be the hero or the villain. He is quirky in a good way. I see bodhi as being the comical relief that goes mid merge for being too likeable. Alyssa- honestly alyssa seems kind of annoying. I dont want to speak too soon but i dont get good vibes from her. I think she might be an early boot on her tribe. but i truly hope im wrong about her. Karthik- I know karthik from em and i really think he could make a loyal ally. His win was well deserved but i dont necessarily think he is a threat. My predicition for him is still prejury because of his timezone. It's unpredictable when he has power and when he doesnt.

Alignments: For Cyrena, I see Mo Alyssa Tobi in one alliance and Matt Jack and Bodhi in another with Karthik out of the loop.

I'm excited to see how accurate my predicition are! I didnt bother including a winner because i still think its too early to tell. Game ON!

Wow a discord call this early in the game!! Strategy? Nope! It's... Alyssa explaining tarot cards to me. Gotta do what you can for social game ig (its ok now we're talking about romcoms)

iz me beech

what a gift, hi im mo. a dumb bottom who treats himself like shit so no one else does.

IM AN ALL STAR ISNT THAT INSANE. I cannot express how excited I am to be playing this game, plus I fucking love this cast. Like my tribe? Fantastic.

Alyssa - The sister I always wanted. I love her she’s so great.

Matt - New good friend and probably who I’m closest to at the moment I get happy when he gets online cus he gets me and my shit.

Jack - He can rap and he’s nice, what an icon.

Rhys - SUCH A SWEETHEART, I’m so excited to play with him again.

Karthik - Also super sweet, he seems like a genuine guy and I’m looking forward to playing with him.

Tobi - I love that I get to play with him again we haven’t talked all too much but we’ve talked a bit. (I definitely have my guard up around him just cus of something he did in Muxloe)

Bodhi - Kinda inactive unfortunately but he seems nice.

Mo - Dumb bitch.

sits. hi. so like. just like elara im gonna do a countdown to when i can play my legacy because yall CRAZY if you think im willing it to someone else... uh...WAIT.. I JUST REALISED... I THINK I COULD'VE SAVED BIG Z WITH MY LEGACY?? if only i knew he was going... sorry big z... you wont read this.. anyways. ok so. it is final 21. so. 15 (or 8 i guess...) people need to be voted out before i can play it.. i can DO IT. and this time i am not telling a SOUL about it. like. NO ONE.. and the beauty of the legacy is that people shouldn't really even suspect it exists.. heehee!

ANYWAYS! let's talk about the game. so. my tribe is a mess. i love zach and chloe... chris is a king.. i played elara with drew h and he's a babe so there's that. michael king. and sharky hasnt been on much because he's busy which is like awful timing n i feel bad especially if we lose because i think he might go? :-(

as for the other tribes.. bryce asked to be allies i said shure. i love rhys.. thats all bye

________________________________________________________________

UPDATE!! i love BODHI!!!!!!!!!!!! like..... wow. hes such a king. no words at all.

Our tribe has lots of stuff done on our sheet. I hope we are able to get it done. I hope we can win immunity, first tribal will suck.

________________________________________________________________

Omg. 3 minutes until sheets are locked. Im kind of nervous. I really want us to be immune.

My tribe mates- Rhys: he is amazing and i feel like we get along pretty well. We have been talking. Mitch: also very nice. Was the first person to message me and i really like him. Kori: we talked a bit. Is someone i need to talk to more. Bryce: my marmoreal f3. ❤️ Jared: amazing guy and really like talking to him. Would work with him. Stephen: the person i least have talked to but i need to talk to more.

________________________________________________________________

I’m am extemely excited that we won immunity. It gives me more time to talk and bond with these people. Im really liking my tribe. I hope we can keep winning immunity. (Knocks on wood)

We won! Yas! It's unfortunate that we couldn't snatch the reward, but we came close and I think that counts for something.

Chloe and Drew definitely carried the Orfeo tribe to their reward, meanwhile Karth practically killed Cyrena himself. I'm pretty happy being that perfectly middle score on my tribe. High enough to be a contributor, low enough to like not be a threat for try-harding or something.

I'm gonna hopefully take this time to get to bond with people more. Chloe and I are getting married apparently which is cute. She's honestly pretty sweet so I'm already a hardcore stan.

Gonna enjoy the time off, and see what this idol system is about. Maybe I'll get lucky this season.

i am OVERWHELMED like ok so most the cast i feel like doesnt like me. my tribe has ppl who arent super active (this is literally marmoreal flash backs) kori is so.. much idk JKFADSHFKJ like he just is rly.. there! jared is my new fave i love that man so much we are going so far KNOW that. rhys.. an angel i LOVE him i just get him and he gets me. maynor? doesnt reply idk its off. stephen.. not here. mitch? ignores me for long time. so ya that sucks but wooh jared and rhys! also LOVE chloe, loris, zach, maybe tobi!!!

YAAAAAAAAS safety is so important right nowwwww, having safety is crucial bc I wanna keep my friends in this game and keep building bridges. I also have a little advantage to help me search for the idol and nobody needs to know about it except me so hopefully soon I’ll have an idol in my back pocket!

The first few days of this game have been fun. I always enjoy getting to know a new tribe of people. Still, all of these people are essentially new to me. I've been in VL's with Kori and Mitch, and I helped host Jared in Wakea, but playing with people is a totally different ballgame. Still these 3 are probably the relationships I'm most interested in investing time in right now.

As for people off of my tribe, I feel pretty good about my old Komnata castmates. Alyssa, Zach and Karth all worked well with me in the pre-merge and I can definitely see myself working with them here as well. Chris is also my BFF I would literally die for him. Jack is also someone I know well and I know he's a good ally, but we're also playing another ORG together at this very moment (SBBB7) and I just made a move there knowing he wouldn't approve of it, so that's something I have to keep in mind as well. I think as long as I can set myself up well on this current tribe, I could be in it for the long hall!

Looking at the challenge results, it looks really bad for my bro Karth. It's gonna suck if he goes first because we instantly connected back in Komnata, but hey, I don't think I have the clout to save him here. It's the first tribal council and there's no basement to hide in this time.

Today is gonna be a big day though. Before Cyrena goes to Tribal Council, I'm planning to reach out to Mitch and Kori about formally becoming allies. Just like my first season, I'll use the idol search as my opening statement!

SO lots to discuss. First off, we got fucking demolished in immunity. Fucking embarassing. Matt Alyssa and I showed tf up with 100+, and Mo and Bodhi weren't far behind. Tobi did not have a good showing but FUCKING. KARTHIK. TWO POINTS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That's disgraceful this is god damn all stars you're a WINNER and you give 2 god damn 1 point submissions. Get the fuck out of my tribe. He should be the easiest first boot in history but of course everyone wants to pussyfoot around for the first 12-18 hours of tribal and not throw out a name. But there's no avoiding this. He's inactive, he has a bad timezone comparatively, and he did diddly poo in the challenge. He's. Gone.

Luckily I find myself with 2 quick alliances right out the shoot, a trio with Alyssa and Matt and a duo with Bodhi. I found myself gravitating to these 4 a lot the first couple days, Mo and Tobi are a bit quieter so I like these 3 allies for me moving forward. Sidenote, BoJack has got to be the greatest alliance name in Celestial history. I'd go back and look to compare but I'm lazy.

One World is still kicking my ass, a lot of people want to talk to me and I don't have the energy for it but damn it I guess I have no other choice, I can't just not respond to them.

Ok so fucking karthik made an alliance with Me, Mo, Matt. And spilled his heart out to us. But we left him on read and now he’s super lonely. Hopefully he doesn’t have an idol or whatever.

Also this game started!! I’m very busy with school but I have things to say. I’m close with some people from before, I really like Loris and Tobi and Alyssa. I’m feeling pretty good about my position right now.

Fuck yeah, not first boot!!! Although I would’ve loved to win as were so close, but can blame that on my tribe mates cause me and Bryce pulled through.

So right now, my closest ally I feel like would be Bryce. Primarily cause were on the same tribe and then I speak to him most on our tribe, and most of the other cast. Then would be jarred, so I want to make hopefully an alliance between them, maybe another, just to confirm my spot in the tribe.

Feel like my main goal is to make connection, as it seems like everyone else has some with other people. So like if it comes to me someone they don’t know, against someone they've player with before just looks bad for me. So I’m trying to make up with Michael, just so that’s one less target in my back.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also I talk to Zach a lot. But don’t trust him at all. We have been “dating” since the cast reveal. But he asked Mo to be in a showmance too?! Plus Bryce said he talks to zach the most but Bryce wasn’t in who Zach talks to the most.

This sounds like Tween drama but it’s so much more.

Am I being flirted with?????????

https://youtu.be/GBCr-tAsKTc

My slow self. In regards to the other castmates- I didnt realize how much I talked to the members of Tuatha. Bryce, Rhys, Kori all are red but I've probably done most of my talking with Jared and Stephen who I really wanna get together with at some point. I've reached out to other people like Jack and Alyssa and Mo. I may be forgetting some people but I'm just gonna keep talking up a storm with everybody!  If I had to pick my closest people so far, it definitely would be Jared, Stephen, Zach, and Michael.. stay tuned!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I FLOPPED at this challenge hard. Drew and Sharky I am sorry for sharing you peeps on the low for being MIA when I was here and performed worse! I am happy we won though because I like my entire tribe and honestly I see a lot of good from them! And so the game begins!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am just putting gears in motion! I've made it clear with Stephen, Kori, and Jared I want to work with them. I want to get a cross tribe alliance going and it seems Tuatha is my in though I have to see about other people. As for Orfeo...I talked with Zach on starting a majority alliance with Chloe and Loris, we'll see how it goes and if it is legitimate but I definitely hope I can trust Michael enough to keep him. I still am gonna  not get comfortable because I can see myself being targeted but yeah

https://youtu.be/ia3DTwLWMi8

So we’re going to tribal... and honestly I’m terrified bc I was one of the poorer performers in the challenge but the thing is that Karthik got a whole ass 2 in the challenge... a challenge where you get 8/9 points for drinking water... so I would think he’d be the easy vote but everyone was SUPER quiet yesterday and no one wanted to give names but today is looking a bit better but I swear if I go home over karthik.... I. will. call. out. all. of. them. Not only was his score tragic but I don’t think he’s been social at all... people from other tribes think that karthik is definitely going so maybe I’m just crazy paranoid for no reason but idk I’ll have to talk wayyyy more to everyone just to be sure

well here is my first real confessional of the game! Sorry its late been busy.

So firstly my tribe is like super cute. I'm glad i don't know everyone cause then i would be worried, plus i do genuinely like getting to know new people so that is definitely a yay moment. I am also really liking this cast, though more wahmen would be nice but this is all stars, we r not casting wahmen for the sake of it. - anna jane 2k19.

The first challenge? selfie scavenger. a classic if i have seen one. a surprisingly difficult one at that but im glad how well i performed. top scorer on my tribe so i'm really glad about that and how I will be perceived as an asset for a while at least (we will see how that pans out longer down the line). but yay go me! Unforunately, we lost though so like UGH.

During immunity i approached alyssa and jack about a trio, who could control the tribe as i knew we would be high scorers and i genuinely like the two of them. also made sense becuase i sense we are the 3 most active. Karthik, who scored only 2 in the challenge, is probs the target due to inactivity LOL. tobi and mo i also like, but bodhi remains a mystery to me. might be a timezone thing idk but still. a tad worrying that i dont know him as well as i would like.

One World does my head in but im trying to talk to everyone. i've learnt though i need to make connections on my tribe first and foremost as they r the ones who vote, not people on other tribes. god i do hate one world tho. i want to be napping, not messaging people

think im gonna be in an alliance?? on day 3? is this a joke? literally winning...................  wow....

I usually make videos but today I am lazy so hello. So One World is ass because I don't want to talk to everyone but these people are crackheads so like I guess. Uhhhhh I'm in an alliance with Jack and Matt because I adore them both greatly. Mo is on my tribe which is so nice because we have played together before and he has such fun energy and is just a ray of sunshine so I'm very happy (although he makes me nervous cuz the last game we played together I killed him for no reason basically.... But I don't think he's the vengeful type). Tobi makes me nervous because I think he is a social king and I mean like... Idk I guess there are a lot of very social players which makes me nervous that I would be pushed out for maybe not being as social? Idk if that makes sense.

But anyway Karthik is also on my tribe and I was like OF COURSE. Because this is the man from my season who I cursed out via DR video for flipping on me LOL He is a sweetie though. I recently looked and saw he was rooting for me a lil in a game I was in which is really nice of him, especially seeing as I didn't vote him to win our season. I think he's going to be first boot. He was on vacation this weekend somewhere where there's no wifi (that's what he told me) and only sent in two things for the scavenger hunt, dooming us to a first tribal. I feel somewhat bad but have told people on my tribe that if not for Komnata's twist of the season he would've been out pre-merge easily because his overarching challenge performance is not great. So basically just reiterating to people that I'm not so sure that this was a fluke and overall I think it's probably just best for us to cut him.

Yeah that's it. I have so much crackhead energy from the games I've been playing as of late I feel like I majorly need to chill the fuck out. Here's to praying.

so everyone’s kinda agreed on voting out karthik due to him only scoring two points so I’m like ok cool i’m down but then karthik made an alliance chat with bodhi, matt and myself asking to be saved and

https://i.imgur.com/AxCzqxd.gif?noredirect

Sooo im making this last minute confessional to tell ya that I THINK im in a good spot. Im sharing my idol guesses with Stephen Z and Jared which is helping me build trust with them. I also have mutual trust with Kori. Maynor and Rhys are kind of boring tbh so hopefully they go soon. Bryce and I never seem to have good conversations so idk where his head is at. IM JUST HAPPY THAT MY CURSE OF ALWAYS GOING TO THE FIRST TRIBAL IS FINALLY LIFTED. I WONT BE FIRST BOOT YAHOO

Short and sweet, glad to be back, beast moded another selfie scavenger hunt. Got a good tribe, I think, couple of good friends, couple new people, at least one I think obvious boot should it come to that, but here's hoping it won't. Not a lot of players from my season so hopefully there won't be too much bad blood coming into this. Shoutout to Chloe Bryce and Tobi who are apparently contractually obligated to be in every fucking game I play on Facebook and associated communities for the rest of my life. 21 people is a lot to get through so I'm just hoping for merge, then we can go from there.

Well let's give confessing on my phone a try.

So far I feel like I've been making decent strides conversing with everybody. It's kinda weird how much I like everyone on this season. Its gonna make being a snake harder but I cant afford to blind myself I'll have to do whatever I'll have to do to hopefully win again.

I've made a sort of trio deal with Bryce and Chris as we're all former winners. I'd have included Kavish but we're all predicting he's more than likely the first boot alarm Tina. I'm growing closer to Zach and Clohie on the outer tribes. Also obviously still have my Bodhi connection. I'm talking with just about everyone a bit. Though I cant shake the feeling there is someone I've missed.

I am concerned not being in any sort of majority alliance on my tribe, so if we do lose that's worrisome but still not being the first boot is a huge relief for me, and hopefully there is only good for me going forward. (I say as 4 people probably plot my demise.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Karthik is voted out 5-1-1.

#episode #shinebright

[the-pen-and-the-stethoscope]

my official, uninterrupted, unapologetic thoughts on the album Lover by Taylor Swift as i listen in its entirety at 6:30 am on Friday morning after working until 10 pm the night before.

Before I start I am already emotional. my hands are sweating. my heart is pounding. are those tears in my eyes or am i exhausted? idk. ok here we go...

1) fuck yes. snaps. love a song with snaps. A BEAUTIFUL BREAKUP SONG ABOUT HOW YOU JUST DONT EFING CARE ANYMORE. ahhh i love how there is like this build up and you think it’s going to be a headbanger of a chorus but then it just stops and it’s like...oh wait actually this is v calm right now i just dont care about you anymore. but also OMG SHE JUST LAUGHED ummm also I love how upbeat this is. i guess what im saying is that WANEGBT walked so I Forgot That You Existed could run. 

2) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. this song will always bring me back to being on an airplane flying to Peru because it is literally the only song I listened for my entire trip to Peru last spring. but also from the moment it came out I was obsessed with the unapologetic happiness in the song and it’s all about YOURSELF. WAIT WTF WHERE’S THE SPELLING LINE THATS MY FAVORITE TO YELL????? TAYLOR WHERE IS IT??? WHERE IS IT??? i’ll be taking this up with my lawyers. your people will hear from my people. 

3) well i just went back to my spotify and REALIZED THAT IT WAS ON FUCKING SHUFFLE FUCK ME. OK WE ARE STARTING AGAIN. 

1) SECOND LISTEN THOUGHTS ON IFTYE: this song is just the perfect beat. i just realized that she laughs TWICE actually (maybe more??) and this is my official petition that she laughs during all live performances. thanks. 

2) OMG REP VIBES WITH THAT LOW BASE SYNTH. oh wow I love this transition much more than the one to ME! I’m glad that was on shuffle the first time. This literally could be a REP song. GETAWAY CAR THAT’S WHAT IT REMINDS ME OF! OH. MY. GOD. WELL THANKS FOR PUTTING A REP SONG ON LOVER OK IM NOT OK. did she just say “loving you aint the worst thing...you are the worst!”? Idk I will evaluate the lyrics a second (third...fourth...fifth...) time. 

3) AHHHH LOVER OMG OK LET ME JUST STARE AT MY CEILING FOR THIS ONE. “Swear to take this magnetic force of a man” is up there on favorite tswift lines. cant decide if i want this to my first dance song at my wedding OR the song that plays near the end of the reception when everyone is tired and like all the couples come up and dance and so then it’s like you get to see how many people are in love OR the song that i save for afterwards when we are alone in our hotel room. good to know i’ve got options. 

4) god damn HERE WE GO WITH SOME REP VIBES. (to clarify any deep base pulsating beat is rep vibes to me apparently) lyrics: “they’d say I played the field before I found someone to commit to” “every conquest I had made would make me more of a boss to you” “they wouldn’t shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve” “I’D BE JUST LIKE LEO” GOD THIS IS AMAZING I’M OBSESSED. “If I was a man I’d be THE MAN” 

5) OMG THE ARCHER. WAS LISTENING TO THIS LAST NIGHT AND THINKING LIKE....THIS MIGHT BE FAVORITE ONE????? I KNOW SO SO EARLY BUT SO FAR IT HOLDS UP IT’S JUST LIKE....THAT SLOW BUILD I LOVE IT. EVERY TIME I LISTEN THERE IS A DIFFERENT MEANING. AMAZING SONG TO RUN TO LIKE ON REPEAT. WHICH IS HARD TO FIND. PROBABLY HARDER TO MAKE. I STAN. 

6) THERE YA GO MISS SWIFT WITH THE SNAPS AGAIN. ohhh hmmmm someone’s horneyyyyy this song feels like a whisper...like you’re at a bar and you are like pointing out this hot guy you’ve been seeing around and you whisper to your friend ‘that’s the one’. OMG BRIDGE. WAIT WHAT OMG WAIT OMG WHAT BRIDGE BRIDGE BRIDGEEEEEE. well okay I kinda feel like a huge wind just knocked me off my feet. i’m slightly stunned. no time to process before...

7) OMG TALK ABOUT REP VIBES. This could be a beautiful music video. This is like -- i have a lot of feelings none of them have words but this song has a BLACK vibe and a DARK vibe and i’m picturing a high school shrouded in clouds at night. running through the hallways in a ripped dress. Wow wow wow. 

8) oh good some happy songs again. ahhhhhhhhh now THIS I CAN DANCE TO. AHHHHHHHHHHH I’M IN LOOVE. this is so freaking romantic. OH ANOTHER BRIDGE FROM BRIDGE CITY. Taylor like you brought it with these bridges girl. OMG THE SLOW FADE AWAY AT THE END...SOBBING.....

9) THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS IS I’M ONLY HALFWAY DONE. Oh wow is this song going to make me cry? just obsessed with how etherial this is. wow omg this is like the most complex love story ever written in a song ever. so many twists and turns i’m just sitting here asking questions!!! What happened on cornelia street that you dont want it again? why did you pack your bags? OH YAY HE GOT YOU TO COME BACK. OMG DOES EVERYONE HEAR THAT THUNDER EFFECT IN THE BACKGROUND???? omg wait omg that last line!? I will be listening to this A LOT.

10) I feel like taylor’s got a lot of happy sounding songs that are breakup songs and a lot of sad sounding songs that are actually about being in love on this album it’s so interesting!!! like this is a breakup song and wow everything about it is upbeat and pop-y. “trying to find a part of me you didn’t take up” (I FEEL THIS SO HARD WOW). love the boarded up house metaphors and like just everything else i CANT THINK FAST ENOUGH god idk why I committed to writing all my thoughts....

11) OMG SOMEONE WAS TALKING. ahhhhh she loves all these American things but she LOVES A LONDON BOY. “I GUESS ALL THE RUMORS ARE TRUE” power move!!!!! ASLDJALKDFLKJAGL;KADSLASDFLKASDFLKJ AS SOMEONE WHO LIVED IN AND FELL IN LOVE WITH THE CITY OF LONDON I’M JUST LOVING THAT THIS IS BASICALLY A LOVE SONG TO LONDON. FORGET THE BOY. ALL THESE LONDON REFERENCES ARE KILLING ME. (did she just name drop stella mccartney???? I HEARD THAT OKAY!?) 

12) DIXIE CHICKS. IT’S A COUNTRY SONG I CAN ALREADY TELL. THE STRUMMING GUITAR. I’M DYING. wait is this about her mom???? ok well i’m crying.........wow so so so so so beautiful and soft and hopeful. 

13) FIDDLEEEEEEEE oh short lived but omg that was exciting for a moment i thought we were gunna get a crazy country song. This is a good transition....the way this song starts soft and slow and doesn’t come in swinging feels appropriate after Soon You’ll Get Better. WOW. “Religion is your lips....the alter is my hips....” SEX. I’m glad this is not a country song. wow my head was in an odd place that will be weird to come back to after knowing what this song actually is about (it’s about sex)

14) YAS YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. (it’s 7:40 am but we could have had greatnesssss) THIS SONG SERIOUSLY SLAPS. GOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH. also true story - for like the first week after it came out I SWEAR I thought there was a lyric at some point that said “you’re freaking me out” and like I still think that one of the lyrics SHOULD be that so like I know I’m not a seven time Grammy award winging singer/song writer but like taylor can we change that? can we? MY ONLY COMPLAINT ABOUT THIS SONG IS THAT IT NEEDS TO BE AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES LONGER. 

15) ahhhhhhh omg shes like learning about holding onto love and not picking fights and growing through difficulty and not blowing up. (I’ve run out of ways to say omg this is amazing and i’m obsessed). but this is like a GREAT ballad. 

16) BACK TO MEEEEEEEE I like it a lot better here phew thank god we were on shuffle before. I wanted the DJ to play this song at my friend’s wedding back in May (OMG NO MORE SPELLING LINE AHHHH) and they like wouldn’t??? so weird. I honestly think this is a self love song but also an amazing romantic love song and I think it belongs in a wedding playlist. 

17) omg so cute...little best friend love. also i love how simple this song is. no big production. we are back to basics and child hood. AHH HORNS. I thought this song was going to be like TIWWCHNT but its just purely wholesome!!! She’s serious - it’s nice to have a friend! I agree! 

18) LAST SONG AND ITS ALMOST FIVE MIN LONG MY BODY IS READY. This is just classic classic taylor swift and an amazing way to end the album. it’s like the conclusion paragraph of an essay on how she’s happy and content and in love with not just her lover but herself. the world used to be harsh, but now it’s just daylight. (another bridge city - just fyi - for those listening at home that’s where you are now) SHE IS SO HAPPY. “Step into the daylight and let it go” OMG SHES TALKING!!!!! WHERE IS THIS FROM??? IS THIS AN INTERVIEW OR IS IT NEW OMG WAIT WASN’T EXPECTING THAT ENDING WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW

OKAY FRIENDS THAT WAS IT I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS AND NOW I NEED TO LISTEN AGAIN AND AGAIN FOREVER AND ALWAYS. THANK YOU @taylorswift (@taylornation ) FOR TRUSTING US WITH SUCH A MAGICAL JOURNEY. 

#TAYLOR SWIFT #HUNNAY #WE NEED TO TALK #LOVER #I'M OBSESSED #taylor nation #taylor swift lover

[trippydooda]

i’m alive, albeit barely. at some point i will put a link to the first part of this but im tired

Rating: this is T, however next bit will be M so watch out

Word Count: 3,491

When Yoongi and Hoseok are content talking among themselves, Jungkook leaves to go check on Jimin. 

When he enters the bathroom, Jimin is just staring down at the water, eyes glazed over. His eyes look puffy as if he was crying, but Jungkook can’t think of any reason for him to. Jungkook walks carefully over, trying his best to gauge Jimin’s emotions before he asks if he wants his legs back. He gets all the way to the edge of the bathtub before Jimin finally looks at him.

“Hey there,” Jungkook says, “How are you holding up?”

Jimin’s expression stays even. “Fine.”

Jungkook takes a seat on the toilet, not breaking eye contact. “Right,” he says somewhat sarcastically. When Jimin looks away and a silence is drawn out, Jungkook clears his throat. “Do you uh, want your legs?”

To his surprise, Jimin shakes his head. “I don’t know anymore,” he says, voice shaking. In fact, all of Jimin is shaking now. Jungkook is lost.

He decides to reach out and touch Jimin’s shoulder, which warrants some form of panic. Jimin whips around, bats Jungkook’s hand away, and just looks down right miserable. “C’mon,” Jungkook says, getting off the toilet and insisting his hand’s place on Jimin’s shoulder, “What happened to tough guy fish?”

“Do you love me?” Jimin asks, eyes pleading. “And be honest,” he quickly adds.

Jungkook blinks. To him “love” was a word with heavy connotations, heavy enough he’s never been able to admit he’s loved anyone before, besides maybe his parents. He knows he’s under some spell, knows that whatever he’s feeling is attributed to just that and nothing more, but there was some sort of affection brewing since Jimin washed up into his life, but he can’t call it love. Not when he knows it’s not real.

“I don’t think I can answer that,” Jungkooks whispers. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

When Jimin looks away and a silence is dragged out, Jungkook decides to leave. He mumbles he’ll be back, but Jimin doesn’t even acknowledge his words. The air is heavy when he clicks the door behind him, and he slowly shuffles back to the living room. Yoongi and Hoseok have passed out on the couch, tangled in each other. That’s how it always was between all of them, they weren’t afraid of physical contact. They hugged each other, held each other, and fell asleep together. They didn’t think anything of it, never once thought it was romantic in any way despite the weird glances and questions people would ask them. It makes it that much harder for Jungkook to be reasonable around and about Jimin. True, Jungkook never got intimate with any of his friends, but he wonders if it would feel the same.

As he heads to bed and crawls into his sheets he thinks about it. Was that the way to decide how he felt? Maybe if he tried to get closer to one of his friends it would show him what anything like “love” felt like. He buries his face in his pillow at the thought of exposing himself like that, and tries instead to think if he should have Jimin be intimate with someone else. It’s probably not possible, he thinks, as Jimin was already tied to Jungkook. But would kissing someone else break the spell? Jungkook ignores the knot in his stomach at the thought as he falls asleep.

He wakes up to the sensation that his bed is wet. The last time that happened was when Jungkook was four and wet the bed, so a strange panic hits him as he flies up. He throws off his blanket to check if for some reason he wet his bed as an adult, but feels something shiver beside him. Looking to his right he sees Jimin cuddled close, tail bearing and all. So that’s where the wet was coming from, Jungkook thinks. He lays back down carefully as not to disturb Jimin more than he probably has, and immediately Jimin grabs him and presses harder into his touch. 

It must have taken a significant amount of effort for Jimin to make it this far, Jungkook thinks. He’s still not sure how the siren thing works, so he’s not sure if they could survive out of water with their tails for long. He idly wonders how long Jimin has been here, but as he watches Jimin’s chest rise and fall, he’s hit once more with a heavy sadness. 

The thought that hits him is somewhat concerning. He wants to give Jimin his legs back, wants to lean down and kiss him but is apprehensive. It could be that Jimin was asleep (it was probably just that), but suddenly Jungkook is questioning everything he thought he had figured out at this point. He and Jimin were going to break the spell, let Jungkook be free from this confusion and… And then something. The unknown is what concerns Jungkook, and despite something telling him not to, he leans down to press his lips softly against Jimin’s.

The sleeping Jimin doesn’t respond much, if at all. It almost makes Jungkook pull away, but he wants to give Jimin his legs back just in case being without water too long effects him. He presses a bit harder, wills himself to suck on the bottom of Jimin’s lips to try and get the same intensity that has given Jimin his legs back before. It eventually does work, he realises, when Jimin curls his legs up and throws one over Jungkook. Jimin’s expression looks softer, more at ease now, and the smile that betrayingly creeps up on Jungkook scares him. 

He decides to text Taehyung right then, asking if he could do him a favour.

When he wakes up Jimin is still sound asleep. He gets carefully out of his bed, trying not to disturb him, and tip toes out of his room and into the living room. Hoseok is wake, tapping away on his phone, but Yoongi is predictably still asleep. Hoseok looks up as Jungkook enters, smiling.

“Sorry we fell asleep here,” he says as Jungkook sits on the chair.

He shakes his head. “Not a problem,” he assures Hoseok. “I put you guys through a lot.”

Hoseok nods in agreement. “I suppose,” he reasons, “But I’d rather us all deal with it instead of just you.”

A particularly loud snore from Yoongi delays Jungkook’s response, to which both he and Hoseok laugh at it. It almost feels like everything is normal. Jungkook still frowns, though, because it’s definitely not. “Thanks,” he mumbles.

“Should we tell the others?” Hoseok asks.

“I… I don’t know.” Jungkook looks towards Yoongi, decides it’s easier to watch him sleep than to meet Hoseok’s gaze. 

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Hoseok shifting. “Well, I think we should. If more of us are in on it, more of us can help.”

Jungkook finally looks towards Hoseok, who is eyeing him with concerned eyes. “How can you help? We don’t even know what’s going on.” He doesn’t mean for it to sound bitter, but judging by the look on Hoseok’s face it comes out as such all the same.

Taeyhung responds to Jungkook’s text shortly after and asks what’s up. Jungkook’s fingers hover above his phone, unsure of what he’s going to type out. He hears Yoongi finally rise as he types out for Taehyung to meet him outside his apartment building, thinking that’s not far enough to make him collapse like before. Taehyung responds quickly, says to give him thirty minutes, and Jungkook’s heart starts to race.

“My back hurts,” Yoongi groans as Hoseok says, “Welcome to the world of the living.”

Cracking his neck, Yoongi looks over to Jungkook. “You doing okay since last night?”

Jungkook slowly nods his head, setting his phone down and breathing out. “Yeah,” he says, “Just tired.”

“From what Hoseok tells me you held your breath for a long time. Impressive.” Yoongi stands to stretch as Jungkook frowns.

“I guess,” he replies quietly. He’s still unsure how he lasted that long himself.

“Well,” Hoseok chimes in, “I better get going before Namjoon freaks out again. Ever since I got blackout drunk the one time he always assumes I’m in a ditch somewhere if I don’t come home during the night.”

Yoongi groans. “I’m gunna hit the road too, go back to sleep on my own, comfortable bed.”

Hoseok rolls his eyes but Jungkook just laughs. “Okay,” he says to the two of them, “Be careful getting back.”

They both give him a wave as they leave, telling him to call them if anything comes up. Jungkook says he will, but in the back of his head he knows he won’t. When they’re gone he goes back to check on Jimin, but he’s still fast asleep. He’s cocooned himself in Jungkook’s sheets, and looks so innocent laying there. It makes Jungkook’s heart hurt in a way he definitely doesn’t like, and leaves the room before he rethinks inviting Taehyung over.

He paces around the living room, anxiously waiting for Taehyung to say he’s waiting for him. When the text finally comes Jungkook thinks on bailing, making up some excuse like he suddenly got sick, but his need to find something akin to answers compels him to leave. He stumbles down the stairs to the street, still unsure of himself. He catches sight of Taehyung, who catches sight of him and greets Jungkook from far away with a smile and a wave. 

“Hey bro,” Taehyung says when Jungkook makes it over. “What is it that made you have me come here in person?” He laughs a bit at the end.

“Can we sit down?” Jungkook asks instead of answering him.

Taehyung’s eyes narrow, but he says sure anyway. Jungkook finds the bench that doesn’t face the street and shakily sits down. Taehyung gracefully sits of course, whistling as he leans back. By now he’s used to Jungkook taking his time in collecting his thoughts, and even puts a hand on his bobbing thigh as a form of reassurance. It makes what Jungkook wants to ask more agonising than ever.

“If I ask you to do something, will you say yes?” Jungkook finally asks.

Taehyung laughs. “I mean, I suppose that depends on what it is.”

Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut. “It’s just something I have to do to be sure of something, and I trust you the most to do it.”

Another laugh, this time a bit louder. “What, are you gunna ask me to have sex with you?” When Jungkook turns to look at Taehyung with a quivering lip, Taehyung’s face drops. “Oh… Oh, are you serious?”

Jungkook shakes his head, “Not sex, but…”

“A blowjob?” Taehyung asks, leaning over.

A flush covers Jungkook’s face. “No, no, not that either. Just a… Just a kiss.”

“Oh, I can do that.” Taehyung says immediately.

Jungkook looks shocked. “What? Are you sure?”

“It’s just a kiss,” Taehyung replies, shrugging. “I gotta ask why, though. Just for my curiosity’s sake.” He adds a smile.

Taehyung doesn’t know about Jimin yet. Not all of Jimin, anyway. Jungkook can’t spit out something about being under a spell and having romantic feelings—strong ones—towards a stranger without sounding insane. He thinks carefully, letting an awkward silence draw out. Taehyung waves his hand.

“Ah, you look like a lost puppy when you do that. Never mind the reason, I’ll do it anyway.” He reaches out to lift Jungkook’s chin up, scooting closer. Jungkook’s heart starts to race and he starts to panic. The touch is so unfamiliar to him, especially coming from Taehyung.

“I, uh,” Jungkook stutters.

Taehyung uses another hand to bring Jungkook closer to him. He laughs, the air blowing over Jugkook’s face. “Relax,” he assures Jungkook, “I’ll make it a quick one.”

Apprehensively, Jungkook nods. As Taehyung leans in closer, Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut. He stays rock still, not even breathing practically, when he feels Taehyung’s lips meet his. His first thought is that they’re soft. The second is that it feels different than kissing Jimin already. He decides if this is going to be worth the embarrassment he better kiss back, but does so nervously. Besides the times he’s kissed Jimin, he hadn’t done anything of the sort for a long time, long enough Jungkook doesn’t want to even admit it. He worries he’s not actually good at this, when Taehyung parts their lips.

Jungkook can’t help but gasp slightly when Taehyung sucks at his bottom lip. In the times he’s shared these moments with Jimin he’s been the one to initiate such movements. It feels different when someone else does it, and he can’t decide if he likes it or not. Still, Jungkook follows and kisses Taehyung back, pressing slightly harder when they’re lips come together again. Taehyung adds one last lick and small kiss to just Jungkook’s lower lip before he pulls back.

When Jungkook has the courage to open his eyes, he sees Taehyung with the most shit eating grin. Jungkook frowns. “What’s that face for?”

Taehyung shrugs. “Nothing, I suppose.” He thinks for a moment. “One of these days you’ll tell me what that was for, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, for sure,” Jungkook partially lies.

They sit and chat about mindless things for a while, but Jungkook’s mind is somewhere else. It bothers him that the kiss he just shared with Taehyung feels so different. His brows are perpetually furrowed as Taehyung rants about the fact the local bakery is always out of his favourite doughnut. It’s hard for Jungkook to see past the veil of whatever sort of “spell” Jimin has over him. The thought occurs to him that he never found out how Jimin’s visit to the ocean went, and makes up some lame excuse that he has to get back to his apartment. Taehyung definitely senses the bullshit, but they part ways anyhow.

He opens his apartment door and finds Jimin sitting on the couch, a no doubt fresh mug of tea in his hands. He looks at Jungkook as he walks in, and his eyes look sunken in. 

“Hi,” Jungkook says plainly.

Jimin takes a sip of his tea, not looking away from Jungkook. “Hello.”

Jungkook moves carefully to have a seat next to Jimin. He notices Jimin is shaking slightly, and he puts a reassuring hand on his thigh and squeezes lightly. Jimin looks down at the hand, and Jungkook could swear he was frowning. Jungkook decides to sit in silence until Jimin finishes his tea, unsure of the man sitting next to him. Something definitely happened last night, something that has Jimin all out of sorts. It bothers Jungkook.

“So what did you find out?” Jungkook finally asks.

Jimin shakes his head. “Nothing I didn’t already know,” he mumbles. Well, Jungkook doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything beyond the books he read as a child which were apparently full of lies.

“And what’s that?” Jungkook presses on.

Jimin lets out an exhausted sigh. “I’d rather not go into it at this moment.”

Jungkook frowns because, okay, he understands that Jimin is probably overwhelmed and exhausted but this was Jungkook’s life they were talking about. He had something that represented normal (he had had at least a routine) and now it’s been thrown about to the point he has to have Jimin trail behind him everywhere he goes.

And that’s exactly the fate he resigns himself to. Despite him asking endlessly about the spell Jimin dismisses it, and Jungkook tries to let it go. It’s hard to, though, but the calming smile that returns to Jimin’s face after a few days makes it easier. Jimin has to follow him while Jungkook runs errands in order to avoid more passing out. Jungkook hasn’t fallen ill and gotten feverish since the one time, and he’s forever grateful. His mind was not with him during that, never quite is when Jimin is around, and the things that came out of his mouth makes him blush when he dares think of them. Yoongi and Hoseok call him almost every day, practically every hour, to make sure he’s not dead. They once called at the very same time and Jungkook just buried his face far into his hands.

It all feels so domestic, coming home with Jimin every day and making them tea. Feels like he’s in some weird romantic drama when he makes dinner—it’s usually just instant ramen but Jimin never complains outwardly about it—and even weirder going to sleep with Jimin on the couch. He hasn’t woken up to Jimin crawled next to him since the night he got discovered by Yoongi and Hoseok, and Jungkook would be lying if he said he doesn’t miss the warmth.

One night over instant ramen, Jungkook gains a modicum of confidence. 

“Tell me about yourself,” Jungkook says, slurping down noodles.

Jimin eyes him questioningly. “What?”

“I said,” Jungkook replies, “Tell me about yourself.”

The question seems to stun Jimin. He stares dumbly at his ramen like he’s suddenly forgotten how to speak properly. “Why?” He finally mumbles.

Jungkook shrugs. “I figure if I’m stuck with you I best learn something about my new roommate.”

Jimin wrinkles his nose when he looks up at Jungkook. “What would you like to know?”

Thinking with pursed lips, Jungkook grins. “How about we start with how old you are.”

“Twenty three,” Jimin answers flatly, gripping noodles between his chopsticks.

“Okay,” Jungkook says and stops. What did he want to know? If he wasn’t allowed to ask about what the whole siren dynamic was for them maybe he could ask about it in general. “Were you born a siren?” Jungkook asks, deciding on the question finally.

A mournful sigh escapes Jimin’s lips. “No,” he replies forlornly. “I was put under a spell… Like you.”

Like you. Jungkook chokes on his ramen slightly, gears starting to turn in his head. “So a spell gave you a fish tail?”

Jimin frowns. “Not really, there’s a bit more to it than that.”

Jungkook tries his best to widen his eyes and raise his eyebrows in hopes Jimin will understand the silent plea for him to continue. Jimin sighs, poking his ramen. It seems Jungkook has won.

“I was only eighteen when it happened,” Jimin starts to explain, “That’s the only definite thing I can remember. I regained consciousness underwater with some weird thing around my neck, and it had a name and some other things on it, along with a picture. I was able to find something with a reflective surface, and noticed the person on the card was me.”

Jungkook stays silent, so Jimin continues, “I don’t remember anything of my life before I became a siren. I was able to find other sirens like me to try and get some answers, but they were vague at best.” He purses his lips. “They told me I could become human again, but that it wouldn’t bring my memories back. I was willing to anyway. Being a siren…” He looks down at his ramen. “Hurts.”

“Hurts?” Jungkook asks quietly. 

Jimin nods slowly, eyes not leaving his ramen. “It’s full of heartache, like you’re missing a piece of yourself. It’s lonely and quiet.”

Jungkook shifts in his chair, wanting to reach out and caress Jimin. He resists for now. “So this becoming human…” Jungkook chooses his words carefully. “When you er, kiss someone, it’s supposed to make you human?”

“Something like that,” Jimin replies.

Thinking for a moment Jungkook asks, “So why not just sing a song and go screw up someone?”

“Because,” Jimin says breathlessly, “Not everyone responds to the songs. Trust me, I sang all over the damn ocean searching for someone once I learned all I needed to do was kiss someone and I could be free of this wretched existence.” 

The venom in his words startles Jungkook slightly. “But I responded to it,” he finally says. Jimin nods, finally looking up at Jungkook. “But it didn’t work,” Jungkook continues. 

Jimin’s shoulders drop. “No, it didn’t, did it?”

Jungkook figures he should leave Jimin be about this whole thing for a while. After all, it wasn’t entirely terrible that he gets to wake up to messy pink hair and a hoarse voice that somehow is endearing. It’s not awful that he has to have someone as breathtaking as Jimin follow him around everywhere either. Jimin reads books sprawled over his couch, usually a cup of tea somewhere nearby. Jungkook sheepishly came home with clothes that fit slightly better for Jimin, the latter who just smiled something so sweet Jungkook had to turn away.

He still thinks about the kiss he and Taehyung had, and how it felt so foreign to him—how it was so different than Jimin. Jungkook is watching Jimin smelling flowers at the local market when he thinks he might be falling for him, spell notwithstanding.

#i have been dead lately #sorry for lack of updates #Jikook #Jeon Jungkook #Park Jimin #Jikook fic #a smol bit of Taekook but only for a scene

[nctsukashii-archive-blog]

Most disliked arc (chapter)? Why?

The saltiest cracker you know is me, Bepsi!10. Most disliked arc (in this case, chapter)? Why? 

I bet you saw this shit comin a mile away huh?

Chapter 2.

Now, it might surprise you, but Hoshi dying isn’t even the worst part of the chapter for me. That’s more emotionally gut punching me and my hopes and dreams that joke characters can live past chapter 3. Actually, Hoshi is without a doubt the BEST part of Chapter 2 even with his death, just because of how amazingly he’s written. 

Sadly, even Hoshi cannot save this chapter from showing just how RUSHED and UNPOLISHED it is. Because holy jeEZ THERE’S A LOT WRONG (albeit it’s personal opinion for the most part). So while you may know them, or may learn something new from my opinion, that’s all cool! Under the cut as Chapter 2 is dissected and torn into to learn why it is sadly, my least fav of V3.

- RUSHED.

Now, this is really easy to see, and I’m sure many others have noticed it as well, but it bears a lot of repeating because it’s a problem. Chapter 2 was rushed to high heavens, in the sense that it mainly serves to push the plot along and nothing more. Things happen too quickly in the story at that point, and while the rest of the game is better off for it, this is the ONLY chapter that REALLY does it so blatantly, and it feels very choking as a result of it.- Tenko’s attachment to Himiko needed to happen, absolutely, but I feel like more should have been done in Chapter 1 to show Tenko trying to talk to her more? Maybe, “OOO maybe himiko wants to be my friend??” and more interactions that show that Tenko isn’t just attaching herself to Himiko b/c she’s “the creepy gay” character. - Toujou becoming the fucking supermaid. This one is the most obvious, but mmm. Everyone relying on her suddenly feels super forced, as characters like Shinguuji and Hoshi and even Maki herself, all ask Toujou to do something for them. It feels out of character for them, and the fact that THAT interaction is the MOST she gets in Chapter 2 before the trial is fucking trash and I’ll explain why in a later point, but you can just TELL that they needed SOMETHING to give her ANY story relevance, and it hurts her character a LOT. - Kaito suddenly wanting to help Maki’s super fucking weird. Maybe if it showed Kaito like “sorry Shuichi maybe later, I wanna try talking to Maki” more in this Chapter to really see that he wants to help her, or even just him going more like “hey Shuichi wanna include Maki in our training? I feel like she could use it.” or ANYTHING that mentions Kaito reaching out to Maki more. Because as it is now, it feels like he’s suddenly placing an all or nothing bet and it makes him, p unlikable at that point b/c Shuichi just goes with it for seemingly no reason because “yeah I guess i gotta progress the plot”. - Those are the main points. Maki is done surprisingly well, actually, she’s really good here. Being sus like that and actually not letting you do FTE’s was cool, and i liked it a lot. Angie’s slow buildup was also pretty good as well, but I think they coulda put Tsumugi in w/ Himiko at some point so it’s not ‘suddenly everyone’s brainwashed!’ in chapter 3, as a slower buildup would do it good! Or at least, more buildup, I should say.

- CLUNKY.

This one is a bit harder to explain, and it goes in hand with the pacing issue, but lemme try. Some of the events and dialogue in Chapter 2 just feel, really clunky? Like, Shuichi’s an emotional guy and I totally understand that, but I don’t think he’d just spill his feelings to the guy that punched him for showing weakness not even 2 days ago? I dunno, maybe it’s just me. It feels like a lot of Chapter 2 was glued into the story as requirements rather than actually to tell a story. It comes in a lot of ways, as previously mentioned a lot of relationships are just ‘suddenly there’ rather than actually built up, IE Kaito and Maki, Tenko and Himiko, etc... and it makes the entire Chapter feel like it’s meshed together with ideas that Kodaka REALLY wanted to be in the game or knew would happen later on, but just couldn’t fit them in, so he shoved them in an early chapter and hoped for the best.

- TOUJOU’S ABILITY TO DO JACK DIDDLY SHIT IN TERMS OF STORY.

Somehow, they managed to make one of the stars of this chapter barely active in it. Can you fucking believe that? Like, no really, if you work off of fan translations I want you to open the translation you have, hit CONTROL+F and search for Toujou and see like, the 30 lines she has before the trial. It’s so MINIMAL, it’s so BASIC, and in those 30 sentences she’s treated like a PLOT DEVICE rather than a CHARACTER. I’m sure a bit of the reason as to why Toujou isn’t as popular as most of the other girls is just how hard the Chapter hits her in terms of not giving her any character development (even in the bonus interaction she’s just “i do this for my job” for fucc sake). Like, even if it was played for a laugh that she’s just so constantly work-focused, or the writing took it as a bit of a punchline for some dry humor (”hey toujou what’re ya doin?” “working.” and just have awkward eye contact and the ‘WOW this is awkward’ thought in Shuichi’s head after a few “...” between the both of them as it happens. easy comedy. see???) it at least would make her seem somewhat important compared to the cast. Honestly, it’s like the Tsumugi Effect but in 2 chapters instead of 6. By doing nothing in terms of plot, she basically puts on this huge fucking sign that says “HEY GUYS IM NOT STORY RELEVANT BECAUSE NOTHING IS HAPPENING TO ME SO I WILL PROBABLY DIE AS A KILLER OR VICTIM” Her trial behavior is really hit or miss as well, because some might find her ruthlessness to be really cool and makes her actually fucking interesting at any point in the story, while others might find it unlikable, excessively cruel, or just out of character for Toujou no matter how desperate she may be. Let alone that her US demographic prolly tanked quite a lot w/ her story focusing on POLITICS of all things (one of the three no-no’s in any conversation), making her very very hard to like, besides on an aesthetic level. Let alone her FTE’s are the worst in the game, as you still barely learn anything about her outside of “im a maid and im good at my job” or other points that the main story already tells you (besides that she once coddled a man so hard he became dependent and that her only weakness is not cutting konjac right ever). It just makes her feel like a barren and incomplete character.

- TOUJOU’S ABILITY TO DO EVERYTHING SO WELL SHE CAN EVEN FUCK HERSELF OVER AMAZINGLY.

Everyone has heard me go on and on about this, but if it doesn’t get said no one will know it so I keep repeating it until the end of time.By making her plan so complex, she basically fucks herself. By making a crime that only someone as competent as her could accomplish, it fucks her because only she can do it. XD. Literally, who do you think would have been able to do all that shit in one night? Saihara’s too weak to drown Hoshi. Don’t fight me on this, because if you seriously believe the detective in training with little self defense training (he worked on infidelity and missing pet/kid cases for fuck sake, his life isn’t really on the line all that often so he prolly wouldn’t know or have to train all that much to protect himself) can take the tennis player that killed over 200 people and has been playing tennis basically all his life (enough to go INTERNATIONAL in MIDDLE SCHOOL) in a fight, we’re gunna need to have a talk.Gonta’s too heavy to use the ropeway.Kiibo’s too heavy to use the ropeway and too weak to carry Hoshi’s body.Himiko’s too weak to drown someone and attempt to shove them in the staircase (which I will touch on real soon here on why even attempting to frame her the way Toujou tried to was dumb as shit).Angie’s... lbr here, prolly missing a few too many tools in her toolbox to really think of a ropeway to kill Hoshi with.Shinguuji’s too weak (and before I get arguments on this, if u think this underweight twig of a man can take out Hoshi when Hoshi’s prolly faster than him and could just run ur wrong)Maki who was the Child Caregiver at the time would be seen as too weak to do anything to Hoshi too (even if she lifts kids, again, Hoshi is fucking rIPPED and has killer legs)Ouma’s too weak (i mean he’s underweight and looks like a twig)Kaito’s a fucking moron when it comes to master plans and wouldn’t have been able to plain something like a ropeway murder (let alone his idol complex wouldn’t have let him kill Hoshi most likely... unless it was a Mondo situation but that’s a later talk)Tenko’s also a fucking moron when it comes to long term planning let alone she wouldn’t touch a man unless to flip him to death, which makes the ropeway seem almost pointlessTsumugi’s too weak to (i mean... rlly. u rlly think she could take him down? under the assumption she isn’t the mastermind ofc at this point in the story, but even then sneak murdering all the kills seems kinda.... eh? too hard for her to do.) Miu’s also a fucking moron that wouldn’t think of using a ropeway (actually, she prolly woulda done the smarter option and just pushed Hoshi’s body out his fucking window since a ropeway would be too much effort)By process of COMMON SENSE, only Toujou would make something so NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED in an attempt to murder a guy. 

- THE DUMBEST PLAN ON EARTH AND HOW YOU COULD PLAN A SIMILAR MURDER AND GET AWAY WITH IT EASY. 

Toujou’s plan is fucking dumb when you can think of SO many other ways to get Hoshi killed with more leeway as to who coulda done it. So I bring up the window in his lab, because literally you could just push him out of it and the fall would prolly splatter that midget cunt on the ground no problem. Hell, even handcuff him. Nearly anyone could have pushed Hoshi out of the window, meaning there’s a possibility that Maki or Kaito could have done it w/o that stupid fucking ropeway let alone anyone at night (or hell even during the DAY since time of death was obscured), and it wouldn’t LEAVE THE FUCKING GLOVE.MMMM OKAY RANT HERE REAL QUICK I MEAN IT THAT FUCKING TRASH BAG GLOVE IRRITATES ME. Like, hhh I know Kodaka wanted to make a case where something like the glove gets the killer caught, but HOLY SHIT was it poor to use in a case like this. It not only feels like it’s out of place for her not to just get it in the morning, but why the fuck would she use her gloves anyways?? Why not use Hoshi’s hat? Anyone could use Hoshi’s hat as hand protection down the moronic ropeway and since it’s a beanie it’s prolly made of more strong material than I guess whatever her shit gloves are made of, since they tore like fuckin trash when she went down the ropeway. As someone that wears cut and heat protection gloves because of my job, the gloves she uses are HORRIBLY inefficient (let alone if she’s cleaning before touching food w/ them on... like please don’t that can cause so many health problems) to try and stop ropeburn. She could have also just poisoned everyone, or killed them all in their sleep, to make her job easier on herself. Can’t have a trial if no one’s there after all right? No one would suspect Toujou working on her fuckin job to come and snap their necks during the night or w/e, or poison their food before the show. But also framing Himiko is really fucking dumb. Like, she expects me to believe that Himiko, who is only 2 more pounds than Hoshi mind you, managed to drown him and stuff him in that staircase, and pull him out during the show in under a minute. LOL no. Hoshi looks like he can break her arms like fucking toothpicks without even trying?? Let alone her laziness makes it look REALLY hard for her to have planned a fucking murder. The fact that like, the first hour of the trial wants me to believe Himiko could be the killer is asinine, just because of how basically fucking illogical it is.What Toujou could have done instead, was leave his body drowned in the sink. Yeah, it’d be harder because not everyone can drown Hoshi (ie. Himiko and Ouma and prolly a few others that are considered sticks or weak), but there are a lot of people who could, and drowning someone is a lot easier than the stupid ropeway piranha bullshit. OR PUSH HIM OUT HIS WINDOW. JUST KILL EVERYONE THAT WAY COME ON.Actually, she coulda killed two people easy. Just have someone gullible like Saihara come to meet her at night in the lab after she’s already pushed Hoshi out the window (or even just come running to his room with a bullshit excuse that she saw a shadow ‘running away’ and saw that something happened in the tennis lab) and push him out the window too. Boom, makes it look like a murder gone wrong, and the only alibi that’d be able to testify about the events is hers. Easy win, everyone else gets executed.I get it, in the end, it needs to be a solvable mystery in a mystery game, but it ends up making Toujou look like a complete moron as a result of it, which is unfortunate.

- MOTIVE VIDEOS ARE RIGGED AS SHIT.

Upon learning what hers and Hoshi’s are, it seems almost rigged that they would have to be the killer and victim respectively. Hoshi’s telling him to ‘kys’ and Toujou’s saying ‘lol go kill someone’ makes it like... even if everyone else saw theirs that they’d be like.. the only two to really act on theirs besides MAYBE Miu or POSSIBLY Angie. And then we also see Ouma’s?? And his is just actively “lol u don’t kill bitch but u should do it anyways” making it seem almost counter productive. Like, bitch it just said Ouma made a rule that no killing was a thing and u genuinely expect his ass to break that? ha. The odds were stacked against the two of them, which makes it only seem more forced in the long run. Which is great from a meta standpoint, but a story can be meta while still being fun, enjoyable, and flowing functionally and logically. Which this chapter isn’t really.

- THE SADLY NOT REDEEMING BUT STILL SUPER GOOD HOSHI FACTOR.

Now, the one thing that I can praise this chapter for really well despite all its shortcomings is Hoshi’s characterization and his story. For one chapter he really makes a hard hit at the time, and it’s easy to become engrossed in his little background story about him wanting to find a reason to live. The real cherry on top is his writing and his interactions with the few people he interacts with. with Kaito, it really shows the disposition that Kaito has against him and just how Hoshi is so understanding of others and like... nice. Even when he wants a goal that goes against everyone, he still respects them. “I won’t do something reckless to endanger everyone.”, and acknowledging that it’s an entirely selfish reason why he wants to find the videos and will still not hurt anyone to do it. He may have threatened to show Maki’s video to everyone in exchange for his own from her, but he never hits her or directly harms / threatens her w/ violence or anything extremely dirty. It’s respectable. Ohhh, and Saihara’s dynamic with him is just so sPOT ON HERE. Between the great advice and compliments in general he has for Saihara such as “the world can be bright for someone that’s looked down for so long, be careful” and “you’re confident compared to before, like a weight is lifted off your back. it’s a good look for you” and other such flattery, to Hoshi being a bit more open to Saihara about his feelings (feeling jealous about everyone else having a reason to live, wanting to find one himself, openly admitting he feels he has no purpose in his life and wants to find a reason to be happy like everyone else, etc.). But this dynamic goes both ways, as Saihara also can read Hoshi super fucking well. Like, seeing the Tennis Lab is a great example of it. When Hoshi states the past is behind him, Saihara thinks to himself ‘but then why are you looking at the court with such sad eyes Hoshi-kun?’ and it’s like, just really nice that Saihara’s not dense? Like, Hoshi expresses himself pretty poetically, with the way he talks and whatnot, acting like a wise sage type w/ endless wisdom all the time, so Saihara being able to read past all the flowery language to just hear “god i miss tennis” or “im depressed” is really REALLY refreshing, and a nice balance to see. If you do Hoshi’s FTE’s it personally makes it even better, but that’s not a requirement so moving on. Even just Saihara asking him things like “are you doing well?” or “Is this what you want?” or “or just the small but surprisingly deep talks they just seem to have with one another are tiny details that really complete the dynamic that they can both read each other and can react to one another super well. It feels balanced between the both of them, even in Chapter 1, and it’s a shame Hoshi had to die because I would have LOVED to see how far it could go and how much it could have been expanded on in the later chapters. 

Sadly however, no matter how great Hoshi is, it can’t save Chappie 2 from it’s endless faults and gripes that I have with it, that ultimately make the story less entertaining as a result.

#reciprocation :: response #negative tw #//oh yes #my essays never stop when I have such thrilling subjects to rant about #//muaahahahaha!!!! #//thank u for sending in this one too! #//i had a blast with it. #blindedhope #parchments :: inbox

[looselucy]

November

I had never been good at goodbyes. The first goodbye I really remember, was when our pet dog Timmy died, and I forced my mum and dad to give him a funeral, and I probably cried for about a week. Another stand out goodbye in the list of many, was my brother moving to uni, and that was very reasonable for me to be a mess of tears and tantrums, because I hadn’t seen him since he left. One of my most recent goodbyes, was when I moved to university. I was only a few hours away from my parents and our new dog, Timmy-Two, but I absolutely had a breakdown when they dropped me off there. To be honest, they were no better, which was predictable behaviour from Phil and Lisa, always emotional, especially when it came to their darling daughter. The whole thing was atrocious when they left, watery eyes and inaudible sentences and desperate hugs and it was so pathetic I nearly vomit even thinking back to it. And then this one. This goodbye, was just as shit as the rest.

“I promise I’ll come visit!” Grace insisted. I sobbed as I hugged her, not wanting to look at that stupid pink suitcase she had packed behind her, wanting to kick it over or pull all her clothes out and throw them everywhere just to keep her with me a bit longer. “Or,” I sobbed uneasily. “You could just stay!” “Sorry, Pippa, but the uni life is just not for me.” I just kept sobbing, but sobbing this time seemed more plausible than when my parents left, because there was no guarantee she would come back. She promised me she would, but I knew that wasn’t enough. It’s strange, being at uni. Friendships develop so quickly it’s hard to even keep track of how close you all get. And with Grace being in the room next door to mine on our floor, from moving in on September 15th, to November 1st, it was safe to say she was my best friend. I was besotted with her, and I really didn’t want her to leave. She hated her course though, and she dropped out before it was too late, before she was too committed. Not even the end of the first term in our first year, and she was leaving. I was really going to miss her. “Alright, alright!” Zayn barked from beside me. “You’ve been hugging her for about ten minutes now, you’re being selfish, Pip! Let me have a go.” Tears kept rolling down my face as I gave her up for a moment, the rest of the gang moving in to give her a goodbye hug. There was me, Grace (before she selfishly decided to leave) Zayn, Mike, Tally, and Ringo. (I had still to learn Ringo’s real name, she was a quiet one, and a Beatles fan, I think.) Everyone was saying their goodbyes, but no one was quite as emotional as I was about her leaving. They all gave her their hugs and farewells. “You best stay in touch!” Tally instructed. “I will! I promise! God, you’re all so dramatic.” Everyone kind of laughed except me. I was not amused. Zayn moved and gave her a kiss on the head before I took over again, hugging her so tightly it was like I knew for a fact I would never see her ever again. Like I said, I’ve never been good at goodbyes. “You’re an emotional wreck.” She giggled once everyone else had rekindled back in the kitchen, giving us our space. “How many times do I need to promise?” “But I’ll miss living with you.” I tried to calm down. “I love you being here.” “I’ll be back before you know it.” “You better be!” “I’m gunna miss my train...” She groaned. “Fine.” I shot, pulling away from her and wiping away my tears. “Go. Leave me here alone to die.” She backed out of the door, grabbing her suitcase and looking at me whilst giggling. She did always say that she liked how I got emotional about little things, like songs and films and TV shows. But I had calmed a little, finally. I stood in the doorway giving her the weakest smile I could summon. “Gunna miss you, Girl.” She smiled. “You too. Get home safe, okay?” I sniffled. She nodded, and I knew she was emotional too, but she wasn’t the crying type like I was, so the goodbye was lacking tears on her part. I think I cried enough for the both of us. We said goodbye a final couple of times, and by the time she was in the elevator going down to the bottom floor I was relatively calm, wiping away my final few tears. I slumped past our bedrooms as I walked down the corridor, three doors on each side, making my way to the kitchen and living room area of our halls, where they all sat giving me sad head tilts, knowing how close we were, how much I would miss her. I stuck my middle finger up to the lot of them, making them laugh awkwardly, as Ringo quietly went back into her room. Defeated, I flopped down on the sofa and huffed out my sorrow as Zayn tucked me under his arm, kissing my forehead once before we nestled comfortably together. “I can’t believe she’s actually gone.” Mike sighed. “Just like... ‘cause she mentioned it on day one and then stuck around... I kinda thought she was all talk.” That’s what we had all been hoping, because Grace was one of those people who could walk in a room and make everyone’s day a little bit brighter; she could cheer up anyone just by smiling or telling a small joke. She was incredible. “You’re just gutted you didn’t get a chance to shag her.” Zayn chuckled. “Mate, I’m gutted with my sex life full stop! Not just when it comes to her! She was more wife material anyway, I’ll hunt her down in a few years.” I tried to laugh but I really wasn’t in the mood, I just kept staring at the tele as Zayn traced comforting circles on the top of my arm with two fingers, staring at the TV too. We had gotten lucky with our flat, we were in one of the better-quality student accommodations, so everything was modern and nice. The only downfall really was the communal shower rooms, which for some odd reason were placed past the living room and kitchen, so everyone got a good sight of you dashing through in a towel and dripping on the floor whilst they tried to watch TV. But our rooms were lovely, the whole thing was pretty lovely, so we knew it would only be a short amount of time before a student on a waiting list would take Graces now empty room. “How long you gunna be sad for, Pippa?” Tally asked me as she balanced her plate full of pasta on her knees, given we had no table. “Dunno. Could be years. Maybe I’ll never get over it.” “Well you’re gunna have to ‘cause we’re definitely going out tonight!” Mike tried. “I can’t.” I shrugged. “I’m in at nine.” “Pussy!” “Fuck off, Mike!” I giggled, throwing the nearest cushion at him. “Reyt!” He chirped, moving back to the hall. “It’s wank o’clock. See you all soon!” Zayn was in stitches as Mike strolled out of the area and into his room, Tally was trying her best not to laugh but I could see she was failing miserably. “I never knew living with lads would be such a cliché!” I groaned through a stifled laugh. “You lived with your brother, didn’t you?” Tally giggled. “Yeah, but he never announced when he was going for a wank, thankfully.” That just made Zayn laugh even more, he was absolutely creasing next to me, having to move his arm from around me and cover his face. I started to think how even without Grace, I would be fine, because that lot meant the world to me. I shook my head and stood myself up, walking over to my food cabinet and grabbing out a packet of crisps, standing and leaning rather than sitting back down with Zayn, who was still chuckling away to himself. “You sure you can’t come out tonight?” Tally sulked, looking over her shoulder to me. “I really shouldn’t.” I huffed. “You haven’t missed a lecture in like... three weeks.” “To be fair, that is really good.” And it was. The first year of uni seemed to be a complete write-off, and my brother had said exactly the same thing. You could pretty much take the piss in your first year, and still pass. He told me that second year was a little bit harder but you could still go out most days of the week and miss a fair few lectures. However, in his last year, he sounded like he was going to have a mental breakdown he was working so hard. So in my head, I still pretty much had two years of fun left. Missing one lecture, for the first time in almost a month, couldn’t be too bad. And I did need cheering up. Zayn stood himself up and moseyed over to me, hooking his arms around my waist and I put mine over his shoulders, both of us swaying in our hug. “C’mon, Pippa. We have to go out, the only way to deal with sadness is drinking.” “Sad, but true.” I agreed. “So,” He grinned, pulling away from me. “We going out?” I rolled my eyes and shook my head, but obviously I was smiling anyway, caving into the idea of going out and possibly missing a lecture. “Fine.” I breathed. “Let’s do it.” + + + We passed the shots I had bought down the line, Zayn banging his hand on the bar eagerly. It was me, Mike, Tally and Zayn. We had tried to convince Ringo to tag along with us, but she was having none of it, said she had too much work to do. We always tried with her though, and it’s not that we thought she didn’t like us, she was just so withdrawn. But there was nothing we could do other than try. The line of shots made their way down the group, each of us having three each; one red, one green, one purple. I had always been terrible at shots, so I had no idea why I bought them, especially three at a time. Seemed pretty stupid, but there we were. “Alright, on the count of three, we do red!” Zayn shouted, as though he was some kind of soldier ready for war. “We have five seconds before we move onto purple, and a maximum of ten seconds, before we go onto green. Are you with me?” “Shut up, Zayn.” Tally laughed. “I SAID ARE YOU WITH ME?” He shouted in her ear. If I had already taken my first shot I would have spat it out laughing, but thankfully I laughed without spitting the substance everywhere, having a minute to calm down before Zayn counted to three, and we did as we were instructed. I was doing alright until the third shot, whenn I felt like I was going to throw up all over the bar, but luckily, I didn’t. I counted to eight seconds out of my given ten before I finally did the last shot, feeling their affects so quickly, it almost felt like a waste of time that I wasn’t dancing. It took me a little bit longer than the rest to recover, they were already on their way to the centre of the dancefloor by the time I pushed away from the bar, stumbling a little as I did before regaining my balance and dancing over to them, a cheeky, somewhat tipsy, smile on my face. Another thing I loved about uni is that I had come across a group of people who were exactly the same as I was on a night out. None of us gave a shit, and our terrible team dancing was what made our nights so much fun. I’d say around half an hour of intense boogying passed before Zayn signalled that he wanted a cigarette, and he knew that it was likely I would join him after a drink, so I did. We wandered to the heated outside area, which was one of the good things about our favourite club, Thimble, though after many discussions we still couldn’t figure out why that was the name they had chosen for a club. Zayn handed me a roll-up, and placed one in his mouth, getting out a lighter and sparking mine for me before he sparked his own. Within seconds, out of nowhere, two arms grabbed Zayn from behind, right around his waist as the mystery man lifted him in the air, making a girly scream irrupt from him lips, which brought in a couple of eyes and a couple of laughs. As soon he was dropped, he turned around to find the culprit. “Fucking hell, Louis!” He gasped, slapping his palms against the boys cheeks. “I nearly shat me’self, you idiot!” “Alright, Lad!” The other one said as they started hugging. I think I had heard Zayn speak of this Louis before. He was on his art course with him, but what Zayn had apparently forgotten to tell me was that he was absolutely gorgeous. I stared at him as the two of them interacted, and I was a little entranced. He was all slicked back hair and black clothes, turtle neck, freshly shaved, striking eyes. He was beautiful. After a while Zayn turned back around to me, grinning like he didn’t see Louis every bloody day at his lectures. He was acting like he hadn’t seen him in years. Classic effect of alcohol. I gave Zayn a look, a look that said, if you don’t introduce me to this God of a man now I will kill you. “Oh shit.” He mumbled. “Umm, Pip this is Louis. Louis, this is Pippa.” He moved in and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I already knew he was charming too, which was frustrating. I couldn’t cope when boys were attractive but charming too, it was always too much to take in. “Nice to meet you.” He said as he pulled away, looking me up and down. “You live with Zayn, yeah?” “Right across from him.” I nervously replied. “Are you the one who cries a lot?” He smirked. I sucked in air through my teeth, cringing that of all the things Zayn could have said, that was what he had decided to pass on. “Umm...” I let out a breathy laugh. “I get emotional about things.” “Every time I watch E.T. I cry like a baby, don’t worry about it.” “To be fair,” Zayn chirped. “I cry at Finding Nemo.” ”No, fair shout man!” Louis looked deadly serious. “At the beginning-” “When his wife dies!” Zayn gawped. “And Nemo is the only baby left!” “It’s absolutely heart breaking.” “Heart breaking.” Louis repeated. It struck me quite quickly how similar Louis and Zayn were, and I knew why my flatmate had raved about his friendship with the blue-eyed boy. I shook my head at them, taking a drag of the cigarette Zayn had rolled me, my head spinning slightly, half of me ready for bed and the other half ready to carry on my terrible dancing. Behind myself and Zayn we heard someone shout Louis’ name. ”Gotta run.” He smirked again. “Nice to meet you, Pippa.” “You too!” I cooed, blushing as though he had complimented me. ”Zayn.” The two slapped their hands together before clasping their hands tights together. “See you tomorrow, bro.” “Later, man.” Louis bounced off to the lad who had shouted his name, yelling and cheerful and 100% attractive in every way ever possible. Jesus wept, I was actually impressed by him, I just wanted to eat him up on the spot and leave nothing for anyone else. As soon as I knew he was out of earshot, I slapped Zayn hard on the arm, hitting that stupid tiger tattoo, his arms completely on show thanks to the fact he cut the sleeves off his t-shirt. “Ouch!” He laughed. “What was that for?” “Why the fuck does your stupidly attractive mate only know me for the fact I cry?” “I don’t know! I’ve told him other stuff.” “Right. Like what?” “Like... how you throw up on hangovers sometimes.” “Brilliant, Zayn. Thank you.” I couldn’t stop smiling even though I was shaking my head. His apology to me was him wrapping one arm around me and pulling me to him, giving me a kiss on the forehead, still chuckling away to himself. He moved out, extending his little finger, waiting for my finger to link up with his. “Alright.” He laughed. “I pinky-promise, I will say better things about you in the future. I’ll make him think you’re a goddess.” “How exactly?” I giggled. “Umm... I’ll tell him about how Finn said you’re really good at giving head.” “Y’know what, don’t say shit, Zayn. Let’s just let him forget I exist.” That probably made him laugh ever harder, grabbing me by the shoulders as I turned around, both of us throwing our cigarettes on the floor and making our way back inside, ready to find the rest of the troops. Zayn steered me off towards the bar before we joined the team again, where he purchased me two more drinks, that completely tipped me over the edge. + + + I awoke on the floor in my room, still in my dress from the night before, one side of my face dinted from the bumpy carpet beneath my skin. My eyes opened slowly, and I recognized the spot immediately, this not being the first time I had awoke on the floor, literally inches away from my bed. I had no idea why I did that, I swear to god it must have been a decision I made when I was drunk, though in the morning I could never recall why I would ever think it was a good idea. I groaned and cursed to myself as I moved. I first readjusted my arm, and in the process knocked over and entire can that I had open next to me, beer soaking into my already ruined carpet. I hurriedly stood the can back up, though a good 90% of it had already spilled so there was literally no point. My head was pounding, every joint in my body ached like fuck as I sat myself up, rubbing my eyes, not really caring about the fact I must have been rubbing my mascara all over my face. All I knew was that I needed water, or a cup of tea, or something that would help mend my broken body. “Holy. Shit.” I grumbled to myself. I stumbled to my feet, nearly falling forward and whacking my head against the desk that sat ahead of the window, which looked out to what seemed to be an endless line of student accommodation. The only thing that got me through that hangover was the thought that there had to be a student in one of those buildings who was feeling even worse than I was. There just had to be. Luckily, this was one of those hangovers where I didn’t feel like throwing up, I just needed drink and food and possibly a cuddle, even though my usual person to cuddle was Grace, and that option was out of the window. I found my phone on the desk, checking what time it was and seeing it was almost 12pm, only an hour until my lecture finished. “Fuck!” I don’t know how I thought that I was going to manage getting there at 9am after drinking so heavily. Basically, I knew I wasn’t going to go, but I still kicked myself for it, I still got so annoyed with myself for not making it. I pulled my dress down to cover my dignity, all that was left of it, before turning on the spot and heading towards the door, eager to get some fluid in my system that wasn’t alcoholic, scraping my hair to the side slightly and catching a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror on my door. Surprisingly, my makeup was relatively intact, but there was no denying I was an absolute state. I tugged on the handle to my door and opened it slightly, poking my head around the corner and looking to the left down the corridor. Judging by how quiet it was, everyone was still sleeping, or in a lecture. The kitchen was so quiet it suggested that anyway. I fell through my door and groaned to myself as I scurried down to the kitchen, screeching to myself as I made the short journey, feeling so painfully sorry for myself you would have never thought my pain was self-inflicted. As soon as I step foot in the kitchen, which was still stupidly quiet, my heart caught tight in my throat, stumbling backwards and shouting out my shock. “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” The random boy that was stood in our kitchen whipped his head round to catch a glimpse of me, eyes going up and down my body as he chuckled under his breath, shaking his head as he looked back towards his drink, continually dipping a teabag into the mug of hot water in front of him. “Nice.” He huffed, grinning to himself. “Shit. Sorry. You’re very quiet.” “I am.” He turned to look at me. He was extremely striking. I think it was his sharp jawline, how tanned he seemed to be, which was near impossible given the UK’s climate, so that was noticeable right away. “Did Tally bring you back?” I asked, hesitantly moving towards my food cabinet. It wouldn’t be the first time Tally had brought home a ridiculously attractive boy, in fact, she did it often. She had a way about her, an aura, boys flew to her like flies on shit, and she lapped it up. This guy had to be her best effort though. His hair was short, messy and brown and curly. He was topless, just a pair of running shorts on. It revealed to me his perfectly toned body, which had one very noticeable tattoo. An enormous butterfly on his stomach. I caught glimpse of it and then decided not to stare, but I remember thinking that was odd. He didn’t have any other tattoos, just that one. “Who?” He baffled. That threw me, I couldn’t think of any other plausible reason he would be in our flat. I certainly hadn’t brought him back, I would remember him. And Ringo hadn’t even gone out. I then thought maybe he was Ringo’s secret boyfriend, and was silently congratulating her in my head. “Sorry, I thought you were one of Tally’s conquests.” “I live here.” He replied. My eyes went wide. That was the person who was going to replace Grace. That guy. Jesus wept, I had only just gotten used to bloody Zayn walking about the place, even Mike wasn’t all bad, and then that one? I swore that people had not been so insanely attractive at school, or college. I moved to uni and then suddenly there was just a gaggle of attractive men and I for one, was not good at coping with attractive people. I became a nervous wreck and found it hard to structure sentences. “Y-you live here?” I pointed to the floor. “Just moved in this morning.” “Oh.” I gawped. “You live here?” He leant against the kitchen top. “Umm, yeah. In the last room on the right. First room on the left. Umm…” “The room next to mine?” He smirked. “Yeah.” He probably knew the effect he had on girls, he was stupidly confident, not struggling in the same way I was. I suppose it was partly down to the hangover, I figured maybe I would be better later on, or the day after, or next week… I would learn to deal with it at some point. After a few moments of awkward silence, he breathed in through his teeth, making it even more awkward, and pushed away from the counter. “Better go unpack.” He coughed. “I imagine I’ll see you around.” “Probably.” “What’s your name?” “Pippa.” “Pippa?” “Pippa Payne.” “Pfft, seriously?” He scoffed. “You sound like a character from an Enid Blyton book.” I just lowered my eyebrows and looked at him in a complete state of shock as he walked away, laughing and shaking his head, removing himself from the kitchen and going back to his room. I stood there unable to think of something to say, how snotty he had been and how he just did not care that he made that comment about me. True, it wasn’t the worst thing he could have said, but it just amazed me that he burst that out to me during our first interaction. I hadn’t even had the chance to learn his name so I could make some snotty comment back. I got a pint glass out of my cupboard and filled it to the brim with water, before practically running and banging on Zayn’s door, loud and ignorant. “Bet a tenner that’s Pippa.” I heard him yell from inside. “How am I supposed to win this bet?” I yelled through the wood. “By not being Pippa.” “But I am Pippa.” “Well then you owe me a tenner.” I huffed, rolling my eyes and letting myself in. Zayn, like most people, had managed to get himself in bed even though he was stupidly drunk. His bed was to the right as I walked in, a mirrored version to mine since he was just across from me. I stared down to him with serious eyes after having slammed the door shut. He let out a confused laugh as he looked up to me. “What?” He gawped. “We have a new person.” I whispered. “What?” “A new person. A boy. And he’s just taken the piss out of my name.” He uneasily lifted himself so he was upright in his bed, taking in what I was telling him. I hurriedly moved and put my water on his desk, before sitting at the end of his bed, still looking at him with the most intense look on my face. He ran his hands over his eyes and through his hair. “Grace literally moved out less than twenty-four hours ago.” He groaned. “I know, and they’ve replaced her with a twat. A really attractive twat.” “What did he say?” “Something about a character, something... I dunno, but I didn’t like it!” “Give it a week and you’ll be his best mate.” Zayn huffed. But he was far from right. Because over the next few days, I was going to discover that my new flatmate and I were not going to be friends, not at all.

#I've decided I wanna get this up before HBS #I can't put it off any longer #so lets fucking do it #BB #Butterfly Boy #1dff #Harry Styles #BB1

[blaurascon-kzk]

KZK Discord Digest [Week of Jan 18 - Jan 23]

SUMMARY: Valentine's and Mardi Gras LE's are live (thru Feb 24), and time's running out to catch the LE Kirins (TOMORROW, Jan 24)! Head to the mainstore and check them out if you haven't! Now that those are out, Kat's working on the Direwolf devkit updates and needs your input - DM/IM him with what kinds of features you're used to receiving in devkits! We're still a bit new with making these, so this input is super helpful. Kat took some time to address some issues -- tl;dr some people were harassing community members with issues that should have been taken directly to Kat.

______

Jan 18

KatLast Saturday at 5:42 AM @everyone Phew! the Limited edition wall is getting a bit packed! We've got a lot of stuff going on right now. You've got just around a week left to pick up the Limited Edition Elemental Kirins before they vanish for an undetermined amount of time. But rest easy, the Valentines 'Sweetheart' avatars are here to keep you company from today(Jan 18th) til February 24th. They're special too because if you buy one, you get a voucher to use for yourself, or gift to a friend, for a free avatar!

And of course, we're rapidly approaching the season of Lent. But before Ash Wednesday, many people observe Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras, a tradition near and dear to my heart as a native of Louisiana. Since I moved away, I wanted to bring some of that spirit of excess and celebration to Kinzart once again. Those will be on sale until February 28th.

And remember to let the good times roll! :heart:

@everyone http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Okarthel/193/73/17 Here's a handy dandy Slurl to the main store, if you've got a few minutes to spare. I'll be hanging out in the mainstore for a bit to make sure nothing goes pear shaped!

______

Jan 19

KatLast Saturday at 7:59 PM @everyone Gunna take a quick moment to say a little something that's kind of been festering up again lately:

I know I've made a lot of mistakes. I know I've made a lot of promises and failed to keep them. I know I've consistently failed to meet the expectations of the community, because I constantly promise things and fall short.

I've no excuses, but please understand that I am human. I am fallible. I make mistakes. More than most people. There isn't a day that I go by that I'm stunned by the support I've received, despite all this.

Its not been an easy road. Even before the move, I've battled chronic depression--It manifests as burnout, lack of energy, lack of motivation. It spirals out of control until all I can do is lay in bed, trying to keep what little grip I have left on my sanity. Years of stress and depression came to a head in september 2018 where I experienced a severe mental breakdown--I'd forgotten my own name, and my dysphoria got so bad that I recall contemplating self-mutilation. I did not go through with it, thankfully.

Then I moved. I'd saved several thousand dollars, paid back my loans. Moving destroyed all of that. Denial after denial, doors constantly being shut in my face. My fiance's transfer was denied, and even after flying her to VA to interview at Geico(around 400$ for that alone), she didn't get the job and we were out all that money with nothing to show for it. Then came 3 more months of denial after denial, living in our friends' house. Fifteen job interviews later and the only place that hired my fiance is a shitty deli.

I had to start taking medication--anyone who knows me knows that I try not to medicate for anything--, just to keep borderline suicidal thoughts at bay.

So for those of you out there, harassing my supporters, community members, ect.

Leave them alone. Your beef is with me, got it? I get that you're mad, but don't take it out on them. -Kat Add on top of that, my cat dying of organ ailure, having to have her put down and having her die in my arms. Fuck you.

Come at me, you cowards. Leave my friends and supporters out of this. You can come piss at me all you want but do not fuck with my supporters. Its their choice to support me, not your job to gatekeep my work.

KatLast Sunday at 3:42 PM @everyone hey guys. I really appreciate the support and positive feedback. Many of you are encouraging me to take breaks.

Unfortunately I cant afford to. For the last several months, I've barely made enough $ to pay rent, and usually with only a day or two to spare.

The only thing keeping me afloat right now is the seasonals and limited edition. Were it not for the kirins, I would've been evicted, or at the very least up to my neck in fees.

I do try to take breaks--playing dnd with friends, playing Pokemon Go, or running errands.

Truth is I do like what I do. Just sucks that I'm still fighting years of burnout and the side effects of depression.

So for now I just.. gotta stick with it. If I take too long a break, and lose too much momentum, it's even harder for me to pick up the pace again, which is another reason things like the direwolf update and devkit have taken so long.

I appreciate everyone's concern, but sadly longer breaks, as suggested, just... really aren't an option.

KatLast Sunday at 10:50 PM @everyone so since the seasonals are out, I'm pivoting to focus on the direwolf devkit.

So, devkit holders--What kinds of features are you use to receiving from devs?

The full devkit came fully featured, but I know most 'freeby' kits are paired down and simplified. Initial glances at some other kits shows that they're simplified models or decimated for projecting weights.

Please DM me your common experiences with public devkits so I know where to go with these.

#kzk-dd #kzk

[survivor-guyana]

Episode 3 - "I am like... a very good person." - Nikias

I forgot what i said last but this tribe swap was very good for me. I kept two allies Mitchell and Sarah. But also Aidan and Dani were in my “best fucking people ever” alliance so thats good. We have a fav Jenna with us. I dont want to lose but if we do its gunna hopefully be her. Im sorry but u guys are up by 2. 👀 keeping eye out for Jones and Tim.

I was honestly sad about the swap because i liked my tribe so much. However, im excited to see how this all plays out. It seems like we got active fans on our tribe so hopefully group challenges will work well!

TRIBE SWAP HAPPENED FUCK originally I was gonna sue the hosts,,, ORIGINALLY I was gonna file a restraining order,,,,, but,,, the more I thought about it,, and the more I talked with everyone on my "new tribe",,, I'm feeling okay? which is SHOCKINg for my standards let me elaborate,, I put "new tribe" in quotes because is it REALLY a new tribe when 5 of the 6 people are from the same original tribe? The tribe consists of myself, Nick, Tim, TJ, JD, and Nikias. Which is GREAT for me for a whole list of reasons... I don't think we'll lose as much because we have comp threats like JD and Nick on our team. If we DO lose, we have an easy boot in Nikias. And if we lose AGAIN, I'm in a 3 person majority with Nick and Tim (and maybe even TJ too) .So no matter how this swap ends up, I don't think I'll be the first person booted if we go to a tribal council at any point. which is GREAT. Actual now that I think about it, if we never go to tribal, that would be even more incredible. Because I think I'm doing a decent job at pulling Nikias onto my side. I don't think he's a bad person, and if we do lose, it would absolutely SUCK because he's really cool/could be a good ally down the road. actually now that I think about it,, I've talked more with Nikias in one night than I've talked to JD in a week? is that saying a lot? I think so. I ACTUALLY MESSAGED JD TOO and she was like "can I get back to you later? I'm busy" WHICH IS FINE and it's a lot better than leaving me on read BUT LIKE,,,, okay Jan. If I WERE to hypothetically go to tribal,,, I'd much rather see JD go than Nikias, but I'm not sure if I can help that? It really depends on what everyone else wants to do, because I don't really wanna stray away from the majority of the group at the first tribal I go to yk? Like,,, everyone on the tribe knows she's good in challenges, and if we ever LOSE a challenge, why get rid of the person who's best at challenges? IDK. hopefully we don't go to tribal at all? and I don't have to worry about losing ANYONE? that'd be great, thanks! god why couldn't i have been switched onto a tribe with Jose, thinking about this would've been WAY easier.

So the swap: I feel really good about the swap bc 4/6 people in it are in an alliance. First of all, I want to win the challenge. Second, if we don’t win the challenge, I’ve wanted Mitchell out for a while now and I think Jenna will vote anyone to save her ass. I just hope the others stick to our alliance. It would be completely idiotic for them not to bc we have the numbers already, but who knows

SO THIS REWARD CHALLENGE IS scary,,,,,, not because I think I'm gonna lose or anything,, but it's because I think I have an actually decent score? Idk what Obey the Game standards are, but I got to level 108. which SUCKs if it actually is a good score, because I'm not too sure if I want to win this challenge. I feel like i'm in somewhat of a good position right now, and I don't need the idea of having an idol clue putting a target on my back. I have other people on my tribe (and on other tribes) that would share their clues with me,, I don't need people to know that I have one. hopefully that makes sense Best case scenario: Nick/Tim win - and they share it with me either way Maybe Okay Scenario?: TJ/Nikias/I win - not sure if either TJ or Nikias would share it with me, and I don't want to the target on my back. Worst Case Scenario: JD wins. She won't share it with me. And she probably wouldn't say anything if she won lol. so lets LOSE THIS THING, BABY, WOOHOO

Tribe swap... Tribe swap... Tribe swap... Tribe swap...  I still don't know how I'm personally doing in this game. This tribe swap is either going to make me or break me. There are four people from the other tribe and literally the ONE person I didn't want on my new tribe from my old tribe.. is honestly the ONE person I got stuck with. Is this some sick joke? Am I being Punk'd? Is this some sort of karma for being a bad human being from time-to-time? It's always hard to figure out what exactly my game plan is going forward. I'm honestly terrified of having a bad score and being voted out because I'm a weak-link. It's so much harder when you lose and there's only 5 other fucking options. I guess as of right now I'm trying to focus on making some social bonds. Sammy gave me that super idol so hopefully there is something there... Alyssa is basically me if I was 21, American, and like super pretty. Chelsea has some potential and José is a stoner like me? So I can work with this.. I just need them to want to work with me....

FUCK THIS PARANOIA OKAY I gotta give myself a lil more respect I've been freaking out for like,,,, 7 years now about who my "number one" should be - whether that be Sammy, Tim, Alyssa Nick TJ etc etc etksjadslfk the only person that can be my number one is me I can't keep looking out for every single person in this game - sure, it's nice to have people looking out for me, and I can always reciprocate it. But my top priority will always be the betterment of my game. I can't devote so much trust to so many people. If I had to rank the people in trust that I've met thus far (from most trustworthy to least), it would be Sammy > Tim > Alyssa > Nick > TJ > Nikias > JD > Jenna > Chelsea > Jose. So yeah.  This is Guacamole Jones' Decree of Solitude: I will resort to writing down all of my info (so I never forget) I will be honest with the people that are honest with me. But I will not share this information with anyone, but myself. If anyone wants to open up to me, I will consider sharing a piece of my info but never the whole truth, and never anything more. I will share what is best for me. So I may receive the hypothetical One Million Dollars (- tax) Signed, (with love) Jones.

So I feel pretty great about my new tribe.  5 original favorites and only 1 fan.  Nik got 2 votes last Tribal and seems to be on the outs with his old tribe.  Furthermore he seems like a good dude who if I can protect may give me his full loyalty going forward.  I also was lucky to swap with both Tim and Jonesy.  I also have a deal with JD and TJ.  So if we have to go to Tribal I’m not sure who is best for me to vote.  I’ll likely let the rest of the group decide and play along.  I am trending towards a leadership role, which is good for building a resume to win but with 18 ppl left it’s kind of early to be looking that far ahead.  As of now it’s better  to just stay under the radar and not make any waves.

Well, this swap was interesting. I reconnected with a great friend in Nikias and think I have a solid ally there moving forward. I’m glad I get the chance to build my relationship with Jones and Tim more, and I’m excited to learn more form Nick and JD. Overall, I’m very curious how this is going to go!

So how do i feel about my tribe swap? well in one word pretty weird.. The thing is that i am in a situation 5-1 which is pretty scary and it will be almost imposible to find cracks but on the other side i really like some people on this tribe. I feel like if i can make connections and play the card that i was on the bottom on the other tribe and that i hated my tribe, that could make them feel more secure with me. Its like i am in a bad position but it's a new begining in this game but i will just try to put myself in the best position possible. I am gonna try to be as carefull as i can be with my words and be better socially and work with people that are working together. But what is the best thing and the worst thing at the same time is that these 5 are strong competitors and i am like... a very good person. They can help me stay safe by winning immunity, but there is no doupt in my mind that i am gonna drag them down in the challenges and that's a really good argument of getting rid of me apart from being the only fan there.

ok soooo I have been talking with a bunch of peeps and I am trying to get a solid group that I can rely on.  I am super tight with Jones and TJ and I have talked a lot.  Also I am trying to get close with Alyssa.  Anyways, I think I have covered my ground with the active people.  Jenna is on and off a lot so I am not sure how well I can depend on her in the future but ya never know.  I feel bad for the fans tribe too tbh bc like they really flopping lmaoooo.  I hope there is a swap soon so that I can meet new people but also switch the game up a bit.  ILL TALK TO YALL LATER

So I go to bed early, cus I'm super tired from the competition (no I will not stop bragging about it lol) and when I work up, we won the challenge but i have like... 3 less people on my team. No need idea what happened. But I like it..oops to the person I'd just made an alliance with who is now on a tribe alone.... Was that one in the Alliance? I'm gonna have to check that lol the host are amazing, you've all been so go to me while I've been super busy, sorry of rigging me an idol, and trust me... I asked :( they are to good lol

I am a little it annoyed with how this game is going for myself, I am not sure if I want to trust Nick as much as I did before, we will see I suppose. But something that struck me funny is that out of 6 of us on this tribe 5 went to search the Rainforest, and I was the only one that went to search the mountains. Now, the only thing I can think of is that the clue had something to do with Water, close to it or around it or, like 'hey, dont get wet'. BECAUSE GUESS WHO FOUND THE IDOL? The one that didn't go to the rainforest, the one that didn't know anything about the clue! But I found it over by the stream on the mountain sooooo that is what I assume the clue said.  Anyway, I'm feeling really on the out's and right now I am only really liking talking to Jones, I know its not just about liking to talk to people but you gonna have something to talk about right? *sigh* anyway, sad JD here, sitting on the outside of her tribe, but still bringing home the challenge cus I was the only one that did the rap part in the Riff-Off. I wish I could say like, Canadian gotta rep that Drake, but I dont know much of his shit but I love that part of the riff-off (sunglasses) ((((  https://dumielauxepices.net/sites/default/files/sunglasses-emoji-clipart-oversized-784794-395105.jpg   ))))

(half of this is yawning)

So this Immunity challenge my team didn't work together very well.  We picked IMO a hard song to build a theme and story with.  In addition I was a very weak teammate this round.  I had a bunch going on and didn't record any video.  I tried to give input in ways we could be creative... but all in all I was one of the weakest links to the losing team.  For that I am a little nervous.  However I think I am in a good spot with Tim and Jonesy.  I have shared my idol clue with them and am working on building a trusting relationship to help me get to the end.  IN addition I've been having good one on one talks with JD, TJ, and Nikias.  I don't think my name is coming up from any front as a result of the work I'm doing sharing info with them all and making them feel apart of my gameplay.  TBH I don't know who to vote.  I like Nik alot and I believe him when he says he is on the outs with his old tribe and I think if I saved him he would be in my pocket for the rest of the game...  but I also think voting out a favorite could make me a target in a new swap to a group of favorites that want revenge.  So, really no reason to make waves.  Prob going to have to vote Nikias because it makes the most strategic sense.

Well that was a rough first week, back to back to back losses and tribal councils. Thankfully I wasn't among the first two leaving the game, but before we could even reconnect after Bee's departure, we were  thrown into a swap unprepared. Desperately wishing that my alliance had planned for a swap this early, but we were all thinking it wouldn't be for another tribal or two. My tribe broken and divided, I was lucky to land in a tribe with a majority of fans, while three of my tribe mates were thrown to the wolves in the other two tribes. Im worried that our success in the last immunity challenge, will be the death of Nikias, as he's the only fan in his tribe.

Shit I almost forgot to confess!! Im so glad that my tribe consists of mostly OG favorites and one fan! Im also HAPPY that I got to swap with Nick and Jones. At this point she's my number 1 ally. Together we searched the idol system but found NOTHING I'm- . 

We swapped this week and have 5fans/1fave AND we aren’t going to tribal this week. Life is good

Omg we swapped and I’m on my same tribe basically. 5/6 of us were originally on arakaka. But we finally aren’t going to tribal so thank god!! Judges were harsh though because we tried pretty hard okkk. Anyway I love the tribe still.HAPPY??

I think getting the numbers at the tribe switch is a blessing and a curse. I'm glad I'm with most of my "alliance" from the first tribe and definitely glad that I'm with Dani but I think it's going to give me this facade that I'm Arakaka strong until the end and I'm not sure. Playing in this new ORG environment where I don't really know anyone makes me feel like playing with no regrets. I don't owe any of these people anything and I trust absolutely none of them at this point...... I'm warming up to Mitchell more and more but I'm not sure how he fits in with the others. I do think he'll be loyal but who knows. I don't want to fry his chickens up in a Popeyes three piece just yet. As for Jenna... she's funny but bland with me? Maybe I need to try more but I'm threatened by her social game. But apparently she got 20th last time? I don't know how to feel about her. I think somebody on the ther tribe mentioned knowing her or being threatened by her. Maybe her scores were good? I have no idea but eh. At this point I just want to find a core three to move forward with but most of these people suck and I don't know if there already is one. 

So I've been with my new tribe for about 3 days now and I honestly still don't 100% know how I feel about this whole tribe swap ordeal. I PERSONALLY like the people on my new tribe better. My new tribe members are more personable (with the exception of José) and I don't feel like I'm wasting their time by talking to them like I had previously felt on my old tribe. As of right now I do feel a tad bit more comfortable with Devon. He gave me his idol clue but I'm not too sure if he's just really trying to make me fall for this or not? Maybe he has already found the idol? WHO KNOWS? Alyssa is super fucking cool. We don't really talk about the game as much so that kind of scares me BUT there hasn't been a lot of game to talk as of yet? SO maybe that will change going forward (I hope so). Alyssa is someone I can see myself working tbh. Alyssa and Sammy are definitely the two from the old Horososo Tribe who have reached out to me the most. They are the social King and Queen of this tribe. CONFIRMED. Knocking on wood here.. BUT if we ever go to Tribal MAYBE just MAYBE they'll not vote out José and not me? Praying to Gaga.

I won reward which was the idol clue. It doesnt really help me much but it does say there are other items as well in the game. And we won immunity whichbis great. Im so happy not having to go to tribal.

moooood ok i don’t mind the swap bc everything’s going ok and im still not pming people meidgjskdkf but the comp went rly good!!! we came in second but i found out there’s three tribes so it’s ok! judges think there was literally too many ads and it wasn’t the challenge but have u ever seen a full video without ads on youtube lmao

So my file corrupted on my original video for the challenge but I was able to submit something thanks to Jonesy. We lost anyways lmao and it looks like the vote tonight will be Nikias. Sorry pal but the numbers are just there.

I’m going on a date tonight so I’m case I don’t get to submit a video tonight, I just want to be VERY clear: I fucking LOVE Jess and would DIE for her. F2 homie vibes

So pretty much, I've been pretty much invisible the entire week, and it's been great. I'm letting my tribe drag me for now, and personally, i think with how things are going, we're going to continue to win challenges, and I don't have to worry until I reach another swap, which at that point, personally, I'm just going to go all in and people are going to be like... where did this bitch come from? LMAO

I couldn't be more happy to be on the strongest tribe! Sammy and Alyssa are quite close, but they are also tight with Chelsea. That leaves 2 options: 1. Get them to vote out Jose, based on inactive attitudes. He won't supply them with any use later down the road. 2. Get Jose to draw rocks with myself and Jess, leaving the odds in a 1/4 against me going in rocks. I'm torn on what the best strategy is, but for now, I need to establish the best personal connections possible and hope our tribe secures immunity all the way into the next swap/an eventual merge.

it's too late to come up with a jones pun, but,, JONES

[mattyslittleworld]

East Keansburg

P: Rob Sellig 

2:48 am / Thursday morning. Im listening to this new Tsu Surf & Mozzy project, thinking about this kid I grew up around. Ive been reading he passed away, which is such a shame. We grew up playing basketball together at St. Catherines in EK, middle school, high school, alternative high schools, programs together. Troubled youth. I have this specific memory of him from years ago. I believe I wrote about it in my last blog post, about watching somebody get curb stomped. I was a lost kid, me and my friends aimless, drifting from group to group. Ended up spending a lot of late nights in EK wandering the streets. This night specifically, there were about 7 of us. A homie of mine was interested in writing graffiti, and this was before music, so graffiti was basically my identity. So we met up at his house, where my friend had a group of heads over, and they were partying, selling, and just going off. He lived with his parents, which speaks volumes, because at this time in my life, everyones parents gave up...nobody gave a fuck, except mine, but they couldn't control me. One thing leads to another, my boy wanted to go bombing. So we leave his house with our paint, and just take the streets, 5 reckless kids fallowing us on skateboards and bikes. Wasted, loud, rowdy, reckless, but as an outsider, I found a silver lining in their terror....it was a middle finger to the society that never gave them a chance. It was a brotherhood. This specific kid, at this point, was in and out of county, witnessed him fighting over and over in school, and in the streets since day 1. We were walking tall through the backroads in EK....they were spray painting cars...houses...anything. No fucks given. Wasted...they were breaking windows...kicking dents in BMW’s. Playing music off the phone...they were all they got. Another group of kids ended up on the same block....and they went off. A fight broke out....and I have this specific memory of boy ripping his shirt off, passionate, raging with anger, to protect his brotherhood, his street crew, his family. Being around him since I was a little kid, school, ball, mutual friends....I never got to know him deeper than this...but I would always see him and just salute his pride, and his will to stand on his actions, and his will to fucking fight for who and what he loves. Rest In Power fam. A lot of homies reading this from EK who follow my music...yall know who I am talking about. I never got to know this man - but I salute him for how much of HIM HE REALLY WAS. I remember in 2006, I was a freshman in high school, and my cousin ended up in a fight with a senior over a friend who passed away. My cousin was intoxicated during this time, in school, and I ended up beating the dog shit out of this senior as a young kid. These EK boys were the only ones who showed love, who stood tall behind me, making sure I was good, safe, and assuring me I was doing the right thing. Cant let your family go down like that. Rest In Peace man.

Last year, days before Tsu Surfs album Seven 25 dropped, he doubled back and we hit the studio and recorded a song called “Make You Proud”. He dropped the album very shortly after and it went #2 on iTunes in under 24 hours, and I was sure I wasn't going to see that man ever again. A year later, here we are...a day before he drops this joint project with Mozzy...that debuted at #5 on itunes, were dapping up at a film set in Queens, NY to film the music video. A YEAR LATER, this man gave a fuck enough to pull up and bless my career with this video. That meant a lot to me. I specifically remember feeling alone, hopeless, in some of the darkest moments of my life. Just listening to his tape over and over and over....running laps at the track at Mader Dei Highschool. It gave me hope, it motivated me to get over the feelings that were weighing me down. My life was changing, and this eased the pain. Nobody likes the motions of change if it includes losing people you love....losing the ability to do things you love...and going places you love. You have to find new health, new wealth, and new routines. My new found routine was coffee in the morning...spending an hour studying the industry...listening to my podcasts...then immediately running laps listening to his tape. Anything after that was subjective. Nowadays its basketball instead of running laps....but it gave me health. Mentally and physically. I could collect my thoughts. I could hear real stories....being gunned down 5 times and bouncing back...then charting. Here we are. On set....once again with Rob...my brother on the directing tip. My new lovely friend Victoria, who's a beautiful, ambitious, ride or die artist of her own. Robs pops. Mike Oliva, who is a SAVAGE photographer and film maker himself. It was a trip. Over the past year, kids at bars, hardcore shows, normals, civilians, people from all over and the world have been DMing me about simply just a teaser and a photograph of me and Surf in a studio. With Albee Al, Casanova, Cage - its all a specific group of people. Mainly mainstream music consumers...radio listeners...people who are tapped into Instagram and culture. But with Surf - Ive had the pleasure of speaking to people from all walks of life. Old hardcore friends telling me how much his movement has touched their lives...so wild. I was late to his wave...Belv actually told me to tap in and do it, and that's my brother so I made sure I did for the team. We drank hot chocolate and coffee, listened to our favorite music so loud, have such great conversations, got amazing footage that im so proud of, and just overall killed the mission. Nothing makes me more happy. This was a moment for me....because for the first time...im not in silly poppy clothes...im myself...im spitting bars on it...I feel and look like the person who was painting freights in 2007. And that is very important to me. Sometimes you can get swallowed by the wave youre riding...and I am guilty of that. It influenced so much of me...and recently I said look...fuck all this. Fuck everything except for whatever inside me still lingering before back and forth. Because if those passions, those tendencies, those people, are still here and within me...theyve been growing all this time, strong, sticking by me, and that's me. Shitty hoodie. Airmaxes or vans, shitty hat, stupid hair, cutty as fuck, smiling. dirty skateboard kid just trying be great man. I miss my old Mercer Ave skate crew. Its been years. 

Im starting to go through a new awakening where im witnessing the ones around me unfold in such a distasteful manner. Its pretty crazy to spend time with people, face to face, and have dinner, coffee, laughing with each other one on one....and in my head at the same time think...this mother fucker dead ass hates me. Wants to kill me. Wants me to fail. Fucks heavy with EVERYONE who has done wrong to me. Has talked shit behind my back. Has stabbed me in the back. And they are such fucking clowns....they don't know that I know...and they don't even comprehend that im being a bigger person and not addressing shit below me, because I don't have room for shit like that in my life. This is the time where people fuck with you one foot in, for opportunity, to hit a lick, to keep the link, to get to the people you fuck with. It is literally so easy to show love...and yet people close to you just won't. Its an interesting concept. I am fortunate in the sense that I am self made, self built, and already a black sheep. If everybody in my life turned their backs, it wouldn't touch my career. So therefore, I don't have this fuckery nature in my behavior. I don't fuck with you, I don't fuck with you. Thats it. Im learning you cannot trust people who fuck with you one foot in....because that means they're prepared to step away at any moment when you're down. They don't got your back. They are around people who drag your name through the mud, and they allow it. AT BEST...since they have one foot in....theyll tap in and say such and such said this....but why didn't you defend me? Why were they okay with these actions with you? Because your friend has their other foot with the opps. Fuck these types of people. Forever. Ive been seeing people put up with this behavior, and I figured id speak on it, because its been on my mind. You don't have to get treated like shit to fit in. Truth is, your friends are probably wack. Your friends probably hate you. Your friends don't want you to do better than them. And no, it doesn't matter how long you've known them. Most relationships stem and grow out of convenience, and lack of change, lack of ambition, lack of dreams and goals. I always thought, its actually very easy to be a good friend when they need you...in moments of tragedy and misery. Because that doesn't shake your foundation, and make you realize you aint shit. It doesn't challenge your framework. Its harder for most people to be a good friend when their friend is celebrating success, because the human nature is to compare, and sometimes that can be a mirror reflection of how you AINT SHIT. Recognize these people and cut this cancer out of your system. Or if you are this person, we all have been at one point, cone to terms with how wack you are and be a good person lmao. I want to see my plumbing friend look me in the eyes and go “im the best plumber in this area and im gunna kill this job and make a living for my family and buy a BMW”, just like I want to see my graphic designer friends believe after their hard work that they're qualified OVER SOMEONE ELSE for their job, to make a great living. Just like I want to see a musician, or rapper, talk his shit and believe in themselves, go platinum, and make a great living and buy a Range. Being around greatness inspires me, never scares me. I love being at the bottom, it amps me up. It gets me going. It gets me off. I love the fight, the grind, the game. Whether its music, or washing windows in the freezing dead of winter for commission to pay for fucking studio time to be where I am right the fuck now boiiiiiii. 

Me and Belv have some crazy shit coming. That is all. Okay bye. 

[hayleeejaneee]

Day one.

I think I'm gunna really start using this to express myself. I go through a lot I feel like and I don't talk about all of it bc I don't feel like anyone cares or that I'm bothering someone with my problems bc they could be going through something worse which they also might not wanna talk about out loud so I'm just gunna stick to trying to blog about all my problems like a baby, haha. :-)

(Also im not an English major so I don't quite know how to transition into another paragraph so you'll just have to work with me.)

I had a really rough day today. I bought, well adopted two tiny kittens a week ago from my local shelter and within the week that I had them they both died. But heres a little back story of the week we spent together. My cousin and I often go to the animal shelter bc I love animals and going to the shelter with an open mind and maybe adopting one helps with my depression. So we go in on Monday and go to the dogs and I bond with a couple but I took in consideration that I was moving in two weeks so I shouldn't get another big dog just yet so we go into the cat room. We see a lot of cats and kittens but I've never been a cat person except for a couple but then I see the tiniest kittens in a cage together. I just knew as I looked into the smallest ones eyes that they needed me. I didn't wanna just impulsively adopt two kittens if I couldn't take care of them so I left. I thought about it all day and night then I told my cousin to take me back to the shelter the next day and told them I wanted to adopt. The shelter told me they weren't much older than a month, they both were the size of my palm. 

The next few days were cool, we had named the bot Jasper and his sister Jade. They got along with my dog and were overall just really good kittens, my roommate and cousin had given them baths and it was all fine. Until I came home on Saturday from my uncles to find Jade laid out in the box I was keeping them in, dead. I lost it. I called my cousin to come home then I froze. My roommate had heard me come home and came to say hi and I asked her to check if she was really dead and she said yes. I again, lost it. I cried so hard, I didn't know what to do or if I could even do anything, or if her dying was my fault. Was she not eating enough? After Jade died I didn't want anything to do with Jasper at first but then realized that he made me happy. So Sunday might we cuddled for 2 hours. Well he cuddle inside my neck bc he could fit and it was warm from my neck fat. Then I put him to bed so I could go to bed and that was the last good memory I have of him. 

I woke up this morning to him laying out just like Jade was so I immediately picked him up and he was still alive so I went into mommy mode, I knew I couldn't let him die too. So I called my best friend, and told her he was dying too and I couldn't let that happen so I was taking him to someone that could save him. So as I rushed to put on clothes and get into the car and find a 24 hour animal hospital I just heard him faintly crying. It took what felt like hours to get to the animal hospital when in all reality it took 8 minutes. I walked in and broke down into tears and just asked them to save my baby. She immediately told me that he was extremely cold, which happens when someone dies. The very kind animal nurse tried to warm him as we waited for the doctor.

Dr. G comes in and I knew what she was gunna say but I just needed her to say it. They could do everything that they possibly could if I wanted but his heartbeat was already so faint that he was trying to die. She gave me my options that I could leave him their all night and they could get his temp up and do everything they could but there still no telling if it would work and that it was expensive. I told her it didn't matter about the money bc I knew he was suffering. When they told me that I could put him down something just told me that, that was the right thing to do, the humane thing to do for him. Dr. G told me that he most likely had something called Faded Kitten Syndrome and there was no way I could have known. As I told Dr. G that putting him down was what I was gunna do she hugged me and my roommate telling us that it was probably the best thing. She asked me if I wanted to be in the room with him as they did it, I kindly told them that I personally couldn't but my roommate would stay. 

So in conclusion I lost two animals within two days and I'm sad, real sad. I feel like this might be the reason that my depression gets bad again, I feel it. I'm trying my hardest to stay afloat but its getting harder and harder and I feel like I'm drowning. I know that they were just cats and I didn't even have them for a week but that was all it took, them dying for me to slowly fall back into my old ways. 

#blog

[survivorgreatlakes-blog]

Episode 4 - “I’d rather get spanked in the ass by karma herself” - Emmon

Oh my god! That tribal could not have gone any better than it did. It proves how strong trust can be, and that people can trust you back if you give them the chance to. Some of the Odawa members were just too social, and that was their downfall tonight.

BLESS. I am back to my tribe. Also literally went to exile for NOTHING since someone else found the super idol first, but whatever. I think i'm in a good spot now because of Queen Luke. ALSO BYE KAGE.

HAHAHAHAHA IM CACKLING FUCKKKK!!! All the lies I told Kage made him paranoid and then he went crazy. THEN I told all the people I trust that he's a crazy player and they believed me and now he's here in Redotion lake and I literally get to end his game omg. Poetic justice at its finest

Okay i bet all the records and I can die now.I didnt give 100% in the challenge because why huh ??? Kage is so ugly like his game is messy af.

I'm legit ecstatic lol.  An idol was used to send out someone I didn't trust, my whole former tribe is not looking to be in the best spot, and I'm about to go take me a little vacation at exile :D

AHHH! Tribe swaps are never fun, especially when it's 4-4-1. But hey, we just have to keep winning at this point. This next week is the week i went home the last time i played, so i'm praying history doesn't repeat itself. I'd rather get spanked in the ass by karma herself than get out 3rd again.

Hi! I'm Luke and I just did THAT. The plan worked perfectly and Kage was taken out thanks to me. I was not ready for the fuckery of rocks this early in the game because I could have been rocked out and I ain't no Paschal English, Katie Collins or Jessica Lewis! I also think it's extremely fitting that the Oscars are happening tonight when my alliance is talking about the super idol because the Oscar should go to ME for acting shocked that it exists when I have it in my pocket ready to use for when I get voted out. Hopefully I won't have to use it until merge if I make it but (:

So Matt is telling me whilst at The Shoreline there is a new idol combination that's longer the previous one and I sWEAR TO GOD! IF Y'ALL! MADE MY SUPER IDOL FAKE! IN EXCHANGE FOR A NEWER HARDER TO FIND ONE! I'LL CHOKE!

I love the fact that the swap has forced me onto such a weird position, I'm not the one being pagonged but Meskwaki members that stayed on their tribe might be completely Anti-Odawa which could be bad for me. I wish Kage luck but he might get eaten up by Andreas so ehh, I hope the other 4 Odawa can stick it out. About the abduction it was most likely someone on NuMeskwaki but it definitely could be someone here as well, either way Odawa is screwed and whoever it was just did this in an attempt to get Adam safe and now the tribe is 5-4-1 :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] why is everyone doing this to me i don't know how to be an underdog

i'm tired and every time i go to the shoreline i regret it and i always forget to search FUCK

I'm not gonna lie I was pretty sad to see that I was separated from literally every Odawa member and I might not see them until the reunion call which is pretty grim but probably true unless there's another swap. I really don't know the dynamic of this tribe but I'm really glad we keep winning and winning because I don't want to deal with tribal and not live up to the underdog role the game is practically forcing on me. The way I see it Meskawaki 2.0 is pretty much full-on boner assault on Anti-Odawa which has me concerned but my weak ass can't do anything about it so whatever.

i was bored so i started drama with andreas. i really have no idea what kind of game i want to play so far.... adam being added is extremely interesting because meskwaki now has majority 5-4-1. I feel like i can convince people to vote on my side for a game-changing vote. :D i wanna get some threats out while andreas aka the comp master iss till in redemption

This is fantastic. People are LITERALLY THANKING US FOR TAKING KAGE OUT. I feel kinda bad, but he did it to himself. He didn't keep his mouth shut WHATSOEVER and he threw people's names around, especially mine, so that's grounds for elimination. Talk shit, get hit. I'm currently talking to Bodhi about the tribal council and he's asking for "reassurance we're still working together" and of course I say yes, but something doesnt feel right about it. He's using those petty ass cheeky emojis and it makes me not want to trust him. ESPECIALLY SINCE HE TOLD ADAM TO VOTE FOR ME! I'm leading him to believe I'm still on his side, but I can't say at this point if I want to or not yet. This is going to cause me to have to choose between allies, which I really don't want to do this early in the game. On one end, I have Luke and Eric, with Luke ready to flip on Eric whenever I flip the switch. I'm pretty close to Luke at this point, and to flip on him would be chaos. And then Bodhi, who comes as a package deal with Aidan and Christian. Hopefully, if worst comes to worst, I try to get Bodhi to vote Christian or Aidan since they're rarely around. Dana is in the middle with me, so we're going to have to choose if we have to go to tribal again. I plan on winning today though, because this is a challenge I'm actually good at.

Pet Peeve #1 = Attempting to correct me on the rules when you, yourself do not understand them......I love Matt but yikes, that's how you get on my bad side.

I knew Kage would try and slander my name once he got voted out. Sucks that I just pinned it on Eric and evaded attack...I mean, Eric did lie about the Super Idol saying it was just a regular one.....

Crow caws onward! Shook that we won that tribal immunity, but we did it! I've secured a spot in the final 17 without attending TC yet....good and bad, but still mostly good ;) Scott is clearly wary of me after my incident with Kage at Shoreline, but I actually don't need him :X I have a good relationship with both Kyle and Stoner so if the vote goes Anti-Meskwaki I should be in the loop....so Scott better not keep up this sort of untrustworthy attitude towards me or we're gunna have some issues....jeepers!

YYYYAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I got invited into an alliance and its not by tribal lines! Me, Julia, Augusto, Scott, and Kyle.....it's perfect. 2 from both Meskwaki and Wyandot - 1 from Odawa (so no tribe has majority within the alliance) and we all get along! This will definitely ensure all of our safety at this upcoming tribal considering the others will assume it's Old Meskwaki vs. Old Wyandot.... And I'm also glad that I wasn't the founder of the alliance so that if it does get exposed, I won't take the (full) fall for it and can recover.....this is amazing!

And now I find out that it's because of Kyle....I KNEW THAT BOND WOULD COME IN HANDY! Hey, I might be at the bottom of this alliance, but I'm in it! Like Jeff Varner once said, the answer is yes! This ship is sailing, and I don't know where it's going but I'm ON IT! >:)

Things have certainly shaken up here in the Great Lakes! Firstly, Wyandot won immunity last round which was amazing cause who knew what would've happened if we did. Meskwaki went to tribal and everything went perfectly, Dana and Carson stayed and Kage went... thankfully. After that dramatic tribal, Emmon told me he found an Amulet of Abduction and asked who we should take. He eventually decided Adam, which I wasn't opposed to as he is someone we could swing on over to our side. Emmon, being the lovely person he is, had me in his thoughts when he made that decision which I appreciate. Adam came to our tribe and everything was fine and dandy. Everyone decided to have a sex party or whatever at the Shoreline and it was REVEALED by Andreas that a super idol had been found. First of all, why is everyone but me finding advantages? Secondly, HE DID THAT!! It jumbled things up a bit and because I'm a messy bitch that lives for drama, I certainly didn't mind that. Whoever has it is lucky af!! Back at Wyandot, I decided to create a lovely alliance with Kyle and Scott. My thought process regarding that was the simple fact that we all were on different starting tribes and could spill all sorts of tea to each other. I also want to save myself by any means neccessary to get to the merge, so this is somewhat beneficial. If the alliance will be successful, I'm not sure. All I know is that we have to put rubber to road and see how things pan out.

For whatever reason, I am looking in all the wrong places! The Shoreline doesn't mesh well with me apparently, so yay for that! I do appreciate the fact that the other tribe gets to see me, so it could build up bonds and whatnot... which is the plan! My intuition is on-point because I totally suspected something would happen this round and surely enough, it's a double tribal council! Now we have to break down what we've built here on NuWyandot and it sucks, honestly. I wanted to escape tribal for a few more days to make sure I didn't go home. ;-; Now we just have to wait for the free-for-all to begin and for the bloodbath to commence. I was complaining about not playing the game, but I guess you truly get what you wish for out here. What I'm trying to do is build good relationships with everyone here and make side alliances if I need to. An alliance that is in the works is myself, Roxy, Kyle, Crow, and Scott which I'm fine with because I had made an alliance with Kyle and Scott a few days prior to that. The old Wyandot tribe wants to stick together, which is lovely! Honestly, it would be the best if maybe Dan went home cause it'd be easier for people to flip on him... especially due to the fact that he probably hasn't connected with everyone, at least in my eyes. My best bet would be him or maybe Adam? We'll see, but I really hope I can win immunity or something cause it's crucial that I make it through this round... I don't wanna flop again ;-;

I've been weighing out my options for this vote. I could either A) vote for Eric, stick with Aidan, and have Aidan be voted out 4-2. Or I could B) vote for Aidan, my closest ally from day 1, and have him go in a 5-1 vote. If I pick A, then I feel good about myself, but then Eric might not trust me. If I pick B, then I'll feel like shit for voting out my closest ally, but Eric might trust me. I want Eric, Luke, Carson, and Dana to all want to stick with me because Odawa is very dead now. If I can line up these targets correctly, I'll just ride it out until the end. But fuck, it hurts me very hard to vote out someone as close as Aidan.

#PowerWithinNumbers