Holding On and Letting Go
After a long afternoon of studying in the school library (not his preferred activity, but Mitsuru had insisted after seeing his most recent exam scores) and an evening at the local boxing gym, Akihiko returns to the Iwatodai Dormitory. Having eaten on the way home from the gym, all he wants to do is brush his teeth and go to sleep.
Then he sees Makoto passed out in the dorm lounge, slumped in one of the luxurious chairs, the book he’d been reading now resting against his thigh. All those late nights cramming for exams or storming ever higher floors of Tartarus had finally caught up to him.
Deciding to wake Makoto up before Junpei finds him and does something stupid, Akihiko makes his way past the couch and table to stand over his slumbering friend. He had never paid Makoto much attention outside of Tartarus, but in sleep, the blue-haired boy looked much more fragile than his combat prowess would suggest. Aki had seen him cut down monsters twice his size, and if Takeba was to be believed, he'd beaten up three men at once with his bare hands. Yet in that moment, Aki can only compare him to his late sister Miki. He taps Makoto’s shoulder gently, but that fails to wake him.
Akihiko considers raising his voice, or even shaking Makoto awake. He can’t just leave him napping in a chair; his back would pay for that. But Makoto looks so serene that he can’t bring himself to interrupt his sleep either. The only option left is to carry him back to his room.
Sliding his arms under Makoto’s knees and back, Aki lifts him from the chair.
"C'mon, Leader,” he says. “Let's get you to bed."
When Akihiko shifts his arms underneath Makoto, the shorter boy mumbles something unintelligible and wraps his arms around Aki. He's holding on so tight, like he expects to be dropped at any moment, but Akihiko doesn’t take it as a slight to his strength. Once your home has been ripped away from you without warning, it’s hard to ever feel safe again.
After a slow, careful journey upstairs and down the hall, the two reach Makoto’s room. The door doesn’t lock, so Akihiko is able to awkwardly grab the handle and open it without disturbing his sleeping friend much. He carries him straight to bed and lowers him towards the sheets.
“Down you go,” he whispers, but Makoto won’t let go of him.
“Dad…” he whimpers, clinging tighter. “Don’t go…”
Aki lifts Makoto back up at once, holding him even tighter than before. “It’s okay,” he says. “I’m not going anywhere.” The words feel so awkward, a lie of omission he’s not skilled enough to tell convincingly, but his firm grip is soothing enough to compensate.
It takes almost a minute for Makoto to let go of him, but Aki doesn’t mind. Miki was the same way.
Once his friend is tucked into bed, Akihiko turns to leave, but the moment feels incomplete. There must be something he could do, if only he were socially savvy enough to realize what.
Feeling defeated, he makes his way out. He’s just about to close the door when it hits him.
"Good night, Leader." Akihiko sweeps Makoto’s fringe out of the way and kisses him on the forehead. As he stands up to leave, he sees a gentle smile on his friend’s face.
"Sweet dreams…”
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Reminiscing on my hysterically butch lesbian childhood. In elementary school during winter I would hold all the girls jackets so when they got hot they wouldn’t get dirty on the ground. I’d hold girls backpacks if they thought it was heavy bc I’m strong! When it was cold I’d have girls holding onto my arms bc I run super warm so I’d be their little heater. In middle school I’d ask girls if I could pick them up and I’d princess carry them for a bit and then put them down.
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