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nat-20s · 3 years

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Part 5 of Wonderful! Au. *boyband voice* banter’s back alright!

Also on AO3

~*~

Jon: Hello everyone, and welcome back to our regular format. If my husband being horribly soppy-

Martin:-hey!-

Jon: -turned you off the how, this should be a refreshing return to formula, though I can’t guarantee there won’t be further horrible soppiness-

Martin, performatively under his breath: -most people thought it was charming-

Jon: -as that tends to happen when one is recording with the love of their life. If last week’s episode is the only one that you like, too bad, I’m back in full form, and should be at least through the rest of the season.

Martin: This show doesn’t have seasons? Due to the whole lack of a narrative thing?

Jon: I was referring to spring.

Martin: Oh, right.

[A beat passes.]

Martin, flatly: Oh. Great goof hon.

Jon, smug: Thank you.

Jon, sincere: Also, before we get properly started, I did want to actually thank everyone who sent well wishes.

M artin: Yes! We got positively inundated with lovely messages, it definitely brightened both of our days. I would even say it was wonderful.

[Jon groans.]

Jon: I am..not proud of the energy we’ve created for this episode so far, and we haven’t even hit the small wonders. Speaking of, do you have a small wonder this week?

Martin: Mine’s bad action movies.

Jon: Really? I had no idea you even liked them, let alone consider them wonderful.

Martin: Okay, so, saying I like them is a bit of a misnomer? It’s more that I like what they can do more than the movies themselves?

Jon: Elaborate?

Martin: It probably comes as a surprise to no one that I’ve tried my hand at a fair amount of mindfulness and mediation techniques. I’ve found poetry and journaling have been helpful for actually processing life events and whatnot, but when it comes to giving your brain a hard wipe and reset, nothing is half as quick and effective as a shitty shoot-em-up. Somethings about 2 hours of cartoonish, pg-13 violence held together with the absolute loosest of plots brings me to a state of mental blankness that would make a monk jealous.

Jon: How have I never witnessed you doing this? When are you sneaking off to go see Micheal Tarantino or who ever films?

M artin: That’s definitely not the right name.

Jon: Martin, dear, I don’t care. And you’re dodging the question.

Martin, fond: I’m not dodging anything. Since apparently we’re getting into it, you haven’t caught me cavorting with a movie involving more explosions than character development lately because I haven’t been. Haven’t needed it, in recent years. Turns out when you’re not crushingly lonely and working a literal nightmare of job, there’s less of a drive to try and escape your own thoughts. Shocker, I know. Still, to anyone out there that feels like their brain is on fire, go try watching a fast and furious. Any of ‘em, it doesn’t matter. Or even better, Chronicles of Riddick. I can’t remember a single goddamn detail of that movie, which makes it perfect for what I’m talking about.

Jon: I have the strong feeling that th is is a “mileage may vary” scenario.

Martin: Well, yeah, that’s this whole podcast. Plus, I imagine that movies like this would cause more stress to someone who cares about, say, world-building or rules consistency.

Jon: I wonder who you could possibly be referring to.

Martin: It’s a purely hypothetical person, love, don’t worry about it. Any small wonders?

Jon: Yes! Particularly relevant to the last week, my small wonder is stripping the sheets from your bed when it’s been too long between washes.

Martin: How very specific. M ost people would just say ‘clean sheets’.

Jon: Well, for one, I’m fairly certain that we’ve already covered clean sheets-

Martin: Shit, have we? Thank god other people keep track of this, otherwise this show would be unbearably repetitive.

Jon: Christ, yes. I typically check the website a good three times while prepping, and every about one out of those three times I find I’m trying to do an topic we did 30 episodes again. Anyway, um, it’s just nice, I think. When you’ve been too busy or sick or away for awhile, tossing the sheets in the wash makes a room instantly seem nicer. Of all the chores out there, this one, at least for me, has the highest reward to effort ratio.

Martin: Hard agree. Especially when the y have that slight funk of having been around to long, getting rid of that is such a relief. Speaking of, we need to change our sheets soon.

Jon: We can do it after the episode. Who goes first this week?

Martin: Considering last week was only me talking, I’m gonna say it’s you.

Jon: Alright, then. My first thing this week is Martin K. Blackwood.

Martin: Absolutely not!

Jon: Oh, you can do a whole episode on me, but I can’t do one little segment on my husband, whom I love very dearly?

Martin: Not while I’m sat here, no!

Jon: So you’re saying you don’t want me to tell the internet that your resolve to be kind even in the face of indescribable cruelty is one of the mot breathtaking things I’ve ever witnessed, or how I find it incredibly endearing when you get so emotional that your voice comes out as a squeak, or even that, on a more base level, you’re very physically attractive, and I could lose entire days thinking about your arms alone?

Martin, audibly blushing, voice the aforementioned squeak: Oh my god, Jon!

Jon, laughing: Then it’s probably for the best that my actual first thing is best friends.

Martin, peaking the audio levels: Oh you absolute bastard! Do you enjoy this? Do you get some sort of perverse sense of entertainment from riling me up?

Jon: Oh, don’t you start. As if you’re not as bad as I am. Maybe even worse.

Martin: That’s not…

Jon: Yes?

Martin: Okay. Maybe it’s slightly true. Really, what is romance for if not flustering your partner with compliments?

Jon, teasing: I certainly can’t think of anything.

Martin: Hush, you.

Jon: No, I don’t think I will.

Martin: Fine. I suppose you can tell our delightful audience about the power of friendship or whatever.

Jon: I would’ve assumed more enthusiasm, considering this segment is still, indirectly, about you.

Martin: In what way?

Jon: In the way that, to the shock of all, you’re my best friend.

Martin, pleased: Oh, is that what I am?

Jon, exasperated: Yes, dearest husband, I wouldn’t have married you otherwise. Though, upon reflection, I knew you were my best friend before I knew I held romantic feelings for you.

Martin: When was that?

Jon, letting out a breath that vibrates his lips: God it was...2016? I think it might’ve literally been the day after you told me about your CV.

Martin: That early? Huh. I wonder if that’s what people were picking up when they said they we were close.

Jon: What people?

Martin: I don’t know specifically, that’s just what Daisy told me.

Jon: Daisy? When the hell-?

Martin: It...was when she was interrogating me? And, because sometimes I have to be a parody of myself, pretty much my only take away from that interrogation was “people think me and Jon are close”.

Jon: Well then. It’s not like they were wrong.

Martin, smug: No, no they weren’t.

Martin, sincere: And you’re my best friend, too.

Jon: I was certainly hoping that you’re in this relationship for more than my good looks and incredible fortune, both in the monetary and luck sense.

Martin: You say that as if you aren’t good looking, which we all know is patently untrue.

Jon: You’re biased. You’d say I was good looking if I were nothing more than some primordial ooze with thoughts about its station.

Martin: I’m being completely objective. If you were primordial ooze with thoughts above its station, you’d be the cutest ooze of them all. That’s just scientific fact.

Jon: I’m starting to think we might be insufferable.

Martin: Starting to? Might be?

Jon:…

[Jon clears his throat]

Jon: What I find wonderful about the concept of best friends is, to me, they’re the closest thing real life has to soulmates. I don’t personally believe that there’s some..grand mystic force that drives people to be tied together in the manner that narrative typical soulmates are, and if there was I don’t think it would necessarily be the kind of emotional, heartfelt bond one would hope for, but I do believe that there’s individuals that get to know one another, and because of that knowledge, they chose to stick with one another. It doesn’t have to be a romantic, which is why I say best friend rather than specifically ‘spouse’, but I would argue that the basis of a strong romance like you and I have, is very much rooted in that connection. A true best friendship is an equal partnership, and there’s a sense of..matched sensibilities and understanding that can be utterly incandescent when it happens.

I also think that having one or more best friends makes living life on a day to day basis both better and just flat easier. The dark times aren’t as dark, and the bright times shine even more. I know from my own personal experience there are events that I..that I don’t know how I would’ve made it through without you. Hell, last week my..recovery period would’ve taken much longer if you hadn’t been there.

It’s an amazing thing to have someone to share things with, both triumphs and burdens. Um, also, according to Dictionary.com, the term best friends in English has been around since the 1200s. Something about that delights me, like, yes, we’ve had this casual way of referring to a Favorite Person for roughly 800 years. That makes it a hold-out from early Middle English. I dunno, it’s one of those things that make me feel overall very charmed by humanity.

Martin, audibly smiling: No, yeah, hard agree.

Jon: What’s that look for?

Martin: Nothing. Just. I love you a whole lot, you know that?

Jon, voice soft: I may have heard you say that once or twice. Per hour.

Martin: Only that often? I really need to be more diligent about that.

[There’s a bet of silence, presumably where they’re making doe eyes at each other.]

Jon: What’s your first thing?

Martin: Oh, um, right. Rats!

Jon: The expression or the animal?

Martin: Jon, have you ever once heard me say “rats” as an expression? Obviously I’m referring to the animal.

Jon: Ah. Should’ve known, considering that what, a third?, of all your segments have been on animals.

Martin: Yeah? And? You got a problem with critters? With creatures? With lil guys?

Jon, laughing: No, no, it’s very sweet. I’m just surprised you never became a vet.

Martin: Oh believe me, I wanted to. But then I learned that it was not, in fact, a job composed entirely of getting paid to play with other people’s pets.

Jon: You had that job, though, didn’t you? I thought I remembered you mentioning a month long stint at a doggie day care.

Martin, sighing dreamily: Best job I ever had. Too bad that place was shut down after it was revealed to be a money laundering front.

Jon: Good lord.

Jon: Martin did you...did you know it was a money laundering front at the time?

Martin:

Martin: Would it make you feel better if I said no?

Jon: Martin!

Martin: I figured it out like a week in, but, like, who cares? The pay was decent and the floor was super easy to clean, which is very much a plus for even a front of a doggie day care.

Jon: That’s...rather a lot. How about instead of getting into that any further, you tell me about rodents.

Martin: I would love to. But first, we have a shoutout!

Jon: Ooo, a shoutout. Does it specify who should read?

Martin: Let me check. It...does...not…..

...

Jon: Martin?

[A beat.]

Martin: Right! Sorry, um. This week’s shoutout is from Tim, to Danny. It says, “Danny! My favorite person who shares genetic material with me! I wanted to say thank you for your podcast obsession from 4 months ago, and specifically for telling me about these marrieds. They’ve gotten me through many a dull hour at the publishing house. Also, with this shoutout, I’ve officially gotten ahead on the Superior [Last Name Redacted] Brother scoreboard, so suck it. Love you lots, and looking forward to your visit next month, Tim.”

Jon: Oh.

Jon: Um. That’s very..sweet? I think? Mostly?

Martin: Yeah, I’d say so. Uh. We have to take a quick break because, uh, someone is..at our front door! Be back with you all in, from your side of things, just a moment.

#wonderful! au #jonmartin #jon sims #martin blackwood #>:3 #shoutouts are their versions of jumbotrons btw

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eelistolvanen · 3 years

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Atlantis - Ryan Graves

Pairing: Ryan Graves x Y/N (established)

Warnings: mentions of depression, angst

Word count: 6.1k

A/N: So this is my first NHL fic. Warning: I didn’t proveread and my first language isn’t english. This idea is based on those tiktoks about people losing their sparkle. The title is from the song Atlantis by Seafret.

Hope you enjoy :)

_____________________________

You hurried along the concours at Pepsi center, swearing under your breath. You had already missed the warm ups because you had been held up at work. You didn’t really want to miss puck drop as well. Out of breath, you made it to your seat, happy to realise that you had, in fact, not missed puck drop. You plopped down besides Mel Landeskog and groaned.

“God, I wish I could kill my boss. What a dick.” You said between trying to regain your breath. Mel chuckled beside you. “I wish you did, I don’t know why you keep working for him. I know I wouldn’t.”

Mel had briefly met your boss when she visited you over lunch at your workplace once. And she quickly let you know about her dislike for him. You weren’t a fan of him either, but besides him you liked the job and was one you had worked hard to get.

You and Mel caught up, even though you had seen each other only a few days prior. Then the players started to trickle out of the tunnel and onto the benches. Both you and Mel put the conversation to the side to focus onto the ice. Your eyes went on to search for your boyfriend immediately. It didn’t take very long to spot him, given that he was towering over all the other guys.

As if Ryan had know that you were looking for him, he turned towards the Wags section and locked eyes with you. And although you were too far away to see it properly, you were sure Ryan gave you a simple nod. He always gave you one in warmups when you were watching him. Since you weren’t able to make it in time for warmups, you got the nod now.

The game passed quickly. Both the Avs and Dallas had been playing a good and very tight game. In the end the Avs won it 4-3, thanks to a late 3rd period tiebreaker by Mikko. Ryan played a good game as well, getting an assist and a plus 2 rating.

Soon enough you found yourself down in the families room waiting for Ryan to emerge. You were holding conversation with Mel and some of the other Wags, happily letting them distract you from your long day at work.

The moment Ryan stepped out of the locker room, your eyes moved to look at him. Your subconscious was so in tune with him, you always felt his presence as soon as he entered a room. A few quick steps and he had scooped you up in his arms. This is exactly what you needed after a long day at work. A Ryan hug could fix everything.

“Good game, babe. Sorry I missed warm ups, the boss kept me in today.” You muttered into his neck, while he seemed to melt into your body. He pulled away to look at you.

“Thanks, love. It’s fine, you didn’t mean to miss it. And you made it in time for the game, that’s the important bit.” He gave you a smile and a quick wink while wrapping his arms around you and turning to say goodbye to the team. He took your hand in his while leading you out to the car and driving home.

Unfortunately the long day at work wasn’t a one off. Recently your boss had kept you in longer seemingly every day, excusing it with you needing to more effort into work since many would love to have this job. And it was starting to war you down. You knew Ryan was understanding but you still felt bad that he had to wait up for you.

By the time November rolled around, you were more stressed out and exhausted than ever. You were drowning in work and you felt like the wasn’t any end in sight soon. It didn’t help that the Avs weren’t having a good time. Instead of being at the top of the standings they were battling to stay in a playoff spot. Ans even though it was still early in the season they wouldn’t want to drop back now and even fall out of the playoff race early.

You were currently standing next to Mel and Mikko’s girlfriend waiting for the team to exit the locker room. You knew the mood wasn’t good. The team just lost against the Preds. A team who was battling against them for a playoff position. Also, you were pretty sure that Ryan noticed that you missed the first period due to being held back at work. A few players started clearing out of the locker room and you could see the loss imprinted on their faces. Riding a losing streak was bad enough, but losing against a division rival made it even bitterer.

You felt like you were barely able to breath, not knowing what Ryan’s reaction was gonna be like. Once he finally exited the room, as one of the last out, he held his head low and you could see the disappointment on his face.

He didn’t really lift his head walking over to you but still pulling you in for a hug once you were within reach. He engulfed you with his huge body and held you tight. A huge weight lifted off your chest almost immediately. And you suddenly felt like everything was going to be okay. That you had just worried to much, he would never be angry at you for missing part of a game because of work. You tried to pull him even closer, while he gave you a kiss on the head.

It was nearing the end of November and you had just pulled yourself out of bed an hour ago. It was already 2 pm and while you hoped that sleeping in on your off day would help you with the constant fatigue you were facing, all it did was making you feel even more tired. And you felt like you couldn’t get anything done recently and sitting around in your apartment all day lazily wasn’t helping your guilt at all. But you felt too lethargic to move, the grim weather wasn’t helping. You knew you should get outside more, recently only spending time at work or being holed up in your apartment, but you just couldn’t get any motivation to get up and go outside.

It wasn’t helping that Ryan was away on a road trip and wouldn’t be back in almost a week. The avs had been playing better but the still weren’t where they were supposed to be. HE had been so focused on playing well recently, you didn’t really feel like bothering him with your everyday problems. His career was important to you and you didn’t want to mess with it.

This week passed slower and you felt yourself being sucked into the black hole even further. Then on top of all the stuff that was doing badly at work at the moment, your boss had decided to bring in a new intern. He also made it pretty clear to you that the intern was trying out for your job position. You slowly felt like the weight on your shoulders was staring to crush you. Once Friday evening came, you were wrapped up in blankets on your couch, binge watching some Netflix series and eating ice cream. Ryan would fly in after his game, presumably late in the night. So you didn’t bother staying up, you would only fall asleep on the couch anyway.

You were woken up by sounds outside of your bedroom and not soon after you heard Ryan slip in. He was trying to be quiet, but you were awake now anyway.

“Hey Babe, you’re back.” Your whispered statement probably sounded more like a question but you didn’t care. His reaction told you that he wasn’t expecting you to be awake.

“Oh hey, baby. I’m sorry for waking you” You barely heard him, his voice quiet and hushed. Soon enough he slip into bed and wrapped his arms around your waist pulling you close. He must have sensed that you had a hard day at work, just from the way he was holding you close to him. And you tried your best to relax into his touch and fall asleep again.

November passed and you just couldn’t seem to catch a break anymore. Today was another horrendous day at work, where everything seemed to be going wrong lately. Your boss was more than displeased with your performance and it didn’t seem like you were able to get out of your slump anytime soon. The new intern threatening your job position was obviously not helping in easing your nerves. Now you wanted nothing more than to get home and curl yourself up on the couch in Ryan’s arms.

Finally making it to your shared apartment, you had never been so glad that Ryan wasn’t on a road trip than tonight. As soon as you were inside the door you dropped your coat and the purse in the entry, kicked of your shoes and made your way to the living room. You let out a deep sigh, the tight feeling in your chest that you had all day still letting itself be known.

As soon as you entered the living room Ryan looked up from his space on the couch. His gentle greeting went mostly unrequited. You felt a lump in your throat forming. The team had hit a rough patch time lately again and you didn’t really want him to have to deal with your problems. You knew that he had enough on his mind. So you quickly tried to give him a smile but he’d already risen from the couch, knowing you well enough to see by your posture alone that something wasn’t right.

With a couple big steps he closed the distance between you two and wrapped his arms around you tightly. You were trying to relax, let yourself drown in his big embrace but then you slowly you realise something that you had been dreading for a while now. The tight feeling in your chest was still there. You anxiety didn’t lift of you like it used to. His embrace didn’t seem to let you forget about all your worries. It didn’t seem to heal you, put your pieces back together anymore. And suddenly you realised that it hadn’t for a while now. Slowly hug after hug his power to keep you together, to calm you down, had weakened. You used to call his hugs his superpower, that no one hugged you like Ryan did. No one else’s hugs made you feel at home, made you feel safe.

But now his hugs just felt like… hugs. Normal hugs. Nothing special. Simply a hug you could get from any person you knew. No magic, no superpower. No sparkle…

You could feel your heart shatter at the sudden realization. He hugged you still the same way. He still put all his power into trying to keep you together, to pick your pieces up, to heal you. It wasn’t Ryan who lost something. It was you. You had lost your sparkle, your magic. And Ryan wouldn’t be able to fix it. Not this time.

You hadn’t even realised that silent tears had started to run down your cheeks. You let out a shaky breath, trying to steady yourself. But all it did was making it worse. You let out a sob you didn’t knew you were holding deep inside you.

“Hey, hey! Shhh, it’s okay baby. Everything is gonna be okay.” Ryan slowly rubbed your back, trying to soothe you. But you knew Ryan well enough to know, that even he himself wasn’t believing his words anymore.

You quietly cried into his chest and he held you close to him. You had stayed like that for a while after. But the tight feeling in your chest didn’t lift. If anything your sudden realization made it worse.

You hit your breaking point in the beginning of December. You felt like you fell apart. You hadn’t been going to games for a while now. You came home after work and holed yourself up on the couch or tired to cry yourself to sleep.

Ryan tried to reach out to you as much as possible. He tried and tried and tried, but no matter what he did he wasn’t able to help you. His presence didn’t relieve the pain in your chest and that heavy feeling you’d been carrying around for a while now. It had gotten so bad that you had started to pull away. You didn’t consciously want to, but did it anyway. He just wasn’t able to get through to you anymore.

And this killed him. Nothing hurt him more than to see that light in you fade. Day after day, week after week, your once so bright sparkle had started to dim. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t fix you. Not anymore.

You had been thinking about it for a while now. You hated your work, Denver started to turn all grey on you and you felt like a burden to Ryan recently. You needed change.

Now, you were standing in the living room, a couple steps away from Ryan. You knew he wanted to close the space, hug you, try giving you comfort but he wasn’t sure if that’s what you really needed anymore. Silent tears ran down your face and you could see Ryan shatter right in front of you.

“Tell me we can fix this. Please Ryan, tell me that leaving isn’t the right thing to do.”

“You’re not happy here anymore, Y/N. You don’t have to stay here for me, you know? I can’t expect you to stay.”

You wanted him to be wrong. You wanted him to tell you that everything would work out, that you would be able to fix your life in Denver, that leaving wasn’t the right thing to do. But you knew better.

“Ryan, please tell me you know how to fix this. You always find a way to fix me!” You were desperate now, your voice shaking.

You hated how you could read the answer in his eyes before he even parted is lips. You knew this was it. Game over, you had nothing else to give.

“I look at you and see the ghost of someone you used to be and nothing hurts more than knowing that there’s nothing I can do to fix you. To save us. I can’t save us.” You felt yourself shatter. Game over. Nothing made it more real than him telling you. He finally closed the space between the two of you. But he didn’t hug you, he simply put his hand on your face and gently stroked the tears away with his thumb.

“I know you’re trying to look out for me, thinking about me, about us first. But you need to start looking out for yourself now. This life here isn’t treating you right anymore. It’s breaking you! You know yourself that you won’t be able to fix this here.” You inhaled shakily.

“I know, I just…” Your voice gave in.

“You know that if there was a way for me to fix this, to heal you, to do something about it, I would. You need to go, cause you won’t get better here. With me. And as much as I love you, this life here is ruining you.”

His forehead was touching yours now and both his hands were placed on your cheeks. You could feel his silent sobs. You could feel the way his heart broke when he said the following words.

“How do you look at the person you love the most and tell yourself that it’s time to let her go?”

“Don’t let go then!”

Slowly he pulled away. You tried to catch his hands in yours but of no use. Slowly he lowered them and pulled his hands from his grasp.

“Just promise me you’ll try your hardest to get better. To get that light back, that sparkle back. You will get better, but this time you have to fix yourself. I love you so much, Y/N, but I just want you to be happy. Maybe one day this will include me again.”

With that he gave you a last kiss on your forehead and turned around and walked towards the door. That’s when you broke down. You knew this was real know. The bags you packed would actually be used, the calls home you made to tell your family about coming home would actually hold its promise, the resignation on your job would actually be sent in. You knew this was only supposed to be a break for you to find yourself again and come back after. But right now this felt more like a finale breakup than anything else.

At first being home seemed to do you good. You spent a lot of time with your family, you didn’t have to think about your job anymore. But it didn’t take long for that cold, nagging feeling in your chest to return. So you had started to visit a therapist. And you tried your hardest to do the little tasks she sent you home with after each session. But somehow you just felt so broken. You felt so exhausted, so lifeless. It was hard for you to find joy in something nowadays. You felt… empty.

Weeks passed. Christmas came and went. You tried to set yourself some goals, some solutions for the new year. But things didn’t seem to get better.

Ryan really didn’t want to look at his phone. Another loss, another season that seemed to go to waste. An now he couldn’t even go home and hold you in his arms for consolidation. He already dreaded the empty house he would come home to. He really couldn’t call it his home anymore. Just a place he used for sleeping or the occasional nap. Nowadays he spent as much time at the rink or at teammates houses as possible. The house was just so cold without you. Like all life had left it. Once he was seated in his car he finally gave his phone a quick glance. He did a doubletake to make sure his eyes weren’t betraying him. But there it was you name on screen. Had had left him a voicemail.

His chest tightened as he realised that you probably called him on purpose during the game. You knew that he was playing, he was sure of that. He had to take a couple of deep breath before being able to press play on the voicemail.

At first he could only hear your shaky breath, presumably teary eyed. He felt a sudden stab to his heart.

“Hey Ryan, I know this is out of nowhere but I just…” Your voice went silent again. This time he was sure that you were sobbing quietly.

“I’m trying so hard, but I don’t know how much longer I can fight… But I want you to know that there was nothing you could have done to help me, Ryan. You did your best.” He could hear your sobs now loudly and clearly, and it broke his heart.

“And you have to know that if I ever lose my battle to depression… know that I fought, know that I tried, know I did my best to overcome it. I love you so much, Ryan.”

And with that the voicemail ended. Ryan felt like someone ripped to ground from underneath him. Felt like he was spiralling down a dark hole. He let out a gasp, feeling himself tear up.

He knew he had to call you back, as soon as possible. But it was proving to be a challenge. His vision was blurry from his teary eyes and it wasn’t helping that his hands were shaking uncontrollably. It felt like he was just sitting there in his car for ages, before he had calmed himself down enough to press the call button.

He didn’t really know what he was going to say. He didn’t even know where to start, all he knew that he needed to hear your voice. Now.

It kept ringing and ringing but you didn’t pick up. He tried multiple times but nothing. His calls went unanswered. With a heavy heart he decided to drive home, since he was still sitting in the parking lot at Pepsi center.

At home he tried again. And again just before letting his exhausted body fall asleep. But you didn’t pick up. Finally, the next morning just when he thought another call would go to voicemail you answered.

“Hey.” Honestly you didn’t know what else to say and you also didn’t know to expect.

“You wouldn’t do it, right? You wouldn’t… you know end it, right?” He sounded desperate, you could sense the urgency in his voice.

“Ryan…” “No, you wouldn’t do this to me, right? I love you, Y/N. I need you. I let you leave so you could get better, not to …”

His voice cut out, and his sentence went unfinished. You didn’t really know what to tell him. The voicemail was made impulsively. You had a bad day yesterday. Well, you had a lot of bad days recently.

“What do I have to do Y/N? Tell me what I can do? I thought that letting you go home, getting out for a while might help, apparently it didn’t. God, if you tell me that you want to come home, home to me, I’ll step on the next airplane and will get you myself.”

You laughed humourlessly.

“No, you were right. I have to fix myself. I had to get away from all of that. But I just can’t seem to get better. I don’t know that else to do, Ryan. I try to focus on myself, I go to a therapist, I try to get outside a lot. But… nothing.”

“You will get better, you have to. I couldn’t handle losing you, Y/N!”

Denver airport was buzzing this particular early February morning. You stood at the baggage claim, waiting for your suitcase to appear. The waiting time left you questioning yourself whether you made the right decision to come back here. You were only coming for a few days. To catch up with Mel and Linnea. Really Mel had been the one pushing you, saying that it would do you good to talk with someone you used to see almost everyday.

Finally you spotted your suitcase and made your way towards the exit. Finding Mel was easy enough, since she had spotted you way before you were near her and was now waving frantically. As soon as you got to her she gave you a big hug. Still, you were feeling at unease. You didn’t really know why. The team was on a roadtrip and wouldn’t be back for a few days, so there was no possibility to run into Ryan.

You weren’t actively avoiding him but you weren’t ready to face him either. YOU hadn’t spoken to him in weeks. You were supposed to be gone for a bit and come back once you felt better. Now over 2 months had passed and you weren’t better at all. You weren’t ready to come back, you were just visiting. You weren’t even sure anymore if you could ever come back. And that scared you. You used to love the city, loved living here, loved your job. Now, that was all gone. How would you be able to tell Ryan this? Tell him that you were failing at fixing yourself. Tell him to wait around for you, in hope that maybe one day, one day you would get better.

He had tried to call you occasionally but you usually weren’t picking up. Just sending him lame excuses for not answering the phone, knowing that he would see right through you. But you couldn’t stand to hear his voice. He cared so much, even though you weren’t giving him any reason to. You wouldn’t be able to lie to him, wouldn’t be able to give him false hope, that it would all work out. Cause truly, you’d given up hope.

Mel was right. Catching up did you good. You had missed her, in a way you had also missed Denver. The Denver you used to love, before everything turned grey and lifeless. You talked to her for hours. You played with Linnea, went out for lunch and even agreed to watch the Avs game in the evening.

Talking with Mel put a lot into perspective for you. You saw things from a different view. You realised that not everything always was gonna be perfect. That you didn’t need to have that dreamjob to feel happy. Quiet the opposite actually. Trying to be enough had torn you apart.

You didn’t just talk about you and your struggles but also about stupid everyday things. About that coffeeshop you went to, about funny stories on the team, about Linnea’s newest adventures. And you realised how much you wanted this back. This life you used to love so much, before you let it take control over you.

Those couple of days seemed to pass in a hurry and you would soon return home. This time with a goal to return rather sooner than later. That morning Gabe had left for the first practice since returning from their roadtrip. When he came back the three of you, Linnea was asleep upstairs, hung around in the kitchen making light conversation. You heard the door open and close, but you really didn’t think of much. Mel’s panicked look threw you off guard.

“You were supposed to tell Ryan that he can’t come over after practice today,- !” Mel’s harsh whispering towards Gabe was cut short as Ryan entered the kitchen. Suddenly everything went silent. It took Ryan a couple seconds to spot you, but his shocked look his face told you that Gabe at least hadn’t told the team that you were back in town.

Ryan was still wrangling for words, while Gabe and Mel quickly escaped the kitchen. You wished you could have too.

“You’re back. I didn’t know…” You knew he didn’t mean to sound so accusing and hurt, but it still stung. “Were you going to tell me?”

You were fighting for words. You didn’t think you would see him, you were hoping he wouldn’t find out. Your silence was enough of an answer for him, the disappointment written all over his face.

“I only came to visit, I’m not staying, Ryan.” You realised too late how wrong your words sounded. Ryan let out a sigh, frustration slowly building up.

“Obviously not to visit me.” He sounded sad and hurt. “I thought this was just some time away for you, not like… a breakup or something.”

“It’s not, Ryan. I- “ But you really didn’t know how to answer this honestly. Because it did feel like a breakup to you too.

He stepped closer to you before speaking up quietly. “ I love you, Y/N! I always will. And I’ll wait for you as long as you want me to. I won’t give up on you, ok? But if this is not what you want anymore, I need to know. Cause I can’t keep calling you, reaching out to you, keep holding on if you have already let go.”

You wanted to speak up, but you just didn’t know how. You just didn’t know how to let him down easy. And you could see in his eyes that he was waiting for you. But the longer you waited, the further he seemed to slip away.

He gave you a sad smile and a silently mouthed “I love you” before turning around and walking towards the door.

You knew he was long out of earshot when you finally spoke those words back to him.

“I love you too, Ryan.”

The rest of the day passed slowly. Everything seemed to drag on. You would fly back home the next day and you knew you had to tell Ryan to hold on just a bit longer. But you felt immobilized. Mel tried to talk to you about your confrontation, but to no use. You pushed her away, shut her out. So she let you be.

You were sitting in Mel’s car on your way to the airport. Mel was making light conversation and was actively avoiding the elephant in the room. And you were thankful for that. You wouldn’t know what to say.

For a minute you considered telling Mel to turn the car around and drive you to Ryan’s apartment. To your apartment. But you couldn’t do it. And a couple hours later you were sitting in the plane taking you towards your hometown.

You’d been sulking at home the entire rest of the day. You had to tell him. The sooner the better. But you hated confrontation so you waited til the next morning, when you were sure he was at practice. Your voicemail was short but hopefully enough to get the message across.

“Don’t… don’t give up on me, Ryan. I’m trying ok?” That was all you had said.

When he called you in the evening, it was the first time in a long time you answered to one of his calls. You talked for what felt like hours. Nothing deep or meaningful, just the little things. But when you hung up and you went to bed, it was the first time in months where you didn’t have trouble falling asleep.

Now you weren’t missing a single call of his. He asked you about your day, about your session with the therapist, whether you’d drank enough water and you would ask him about his day, about the team, about practice or about the game. Over the next months those calls started to become your favourite part of your day. It was one of the things you were looking forward to.

As you were sitting in your therapist’s office late in march, you kept replaying something she’d said earlier during the session. “You only know how to use the tools to fix your heart, but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t stand beside you and hand them to you.”

And you realised just how right she was. While nobody else could use those tools, it helped to know that there was someone standing beside you supporting you, helping you out, guiding you. And that someone was Ryan. And you knew then that that two of you would be fine. Even if it took a while til you got better. You’d already gotten better over the last few weeks.

So a couple of days before the regular season ended you flew back into Denver. This time not for a visit. You hadn’t told Ryan that you were coming. Since Mel or Gabe couldn’t come pick you up EJ came and drove you home. Talking with him on the drive home made you realise just how much you missed the team. They were like a second family to you. EJ was probably more excited for you to be back than you himself. He kept telling you how hard it had been for Ryan to be away from you and that he was glad that you were finally back so he wouldn’t have to hear Ryan pour his heart out to him on every team flight.

EJ helped you carry your bags up to your apartment door but told you that he would let the two of you reunite in peace. It took you a bit to calm your nerves before you were able to knock. Technically you still had the key and it was still your home as well, but you didn’t want to just barge in.

You could hear his footsteps walking towards the door and you were sure that you could feel your heart beating louder than ever before. You couldn’t hear any hesitation in his steps, indicating that he definitely hadn’t looked through the peephole before opening the door. This was only further proven by his shocked expression he wore when realising who was standing in front of him.

The surprised expression didn’t stay for long though and before you knew you were being scooped up into his arms. You could hear him exhale slowly. “You’re back…”

Your breath was caught in your throat. Shocked you looked down at the ice where your boyfriend had you moments before made heavy contact with the boards. It was midway through the third period and an opposing player thought the best was to avenge his teams 4 goal deficit by giving out a dirty boarding hit. It was the last regular season game and the clinching game for both teams, so emotions were running hot. He was still down, not moving. You watched in shock as the athletic trainers made their way onto the ice. Mel had wrapped an arms around your shoulder but you barely acknowledged her.

You could faintly hear her soft “He’s going to be fine Y/N, okay?” All you could do was give her a slow nod. In what seemed like slow motion, Ryan was helped onto his feet by the trainer and some of his teammates. His head hung low and he was basically dragged towards the tunnel but at least he was able to get up on his own.

You released the breath you were holding. You were still shaking but he seemed to be better than you first anticipated. The rest of the game passed by you in a blur. You were on autopilot. You barley registered Nate scoring on the powerplay that resulted from the hit. Neither did you acknowledge the empty netter from Mikko making it 6-0 for the avs in the end and subsequently clinching a playoff spot. As soon as the buzzer sounded you were out of your seat, trying to make your way down to the locker room.

Mel caught your arm and tugged you towards her. “Hey, he will be just fine, okay? He’s a though one. Let’s go down together, yeah?” You quickly nodded and gave her a hug. “Thank you, I don’t know what I would do without you sometimes.” You meant it, she was always such a good friend to you. She gave you a reassuring smile before wrapping an arm around you and making your way down to the locker room.

You were pacing holes into the carpet in the families room, impatiently waiting for someone to come out of the locker room and give you an update on Ryan. You nearly jumped EJ when he finally emerged as the first player.

“He’s fine Y/N. Just a little shaken up. He’ll be out soon.” He gave you a quick hug. And it really didn’t take long for Ryan to emerge. He looked tired and worn out, but he was walking on his own and you couldn’t detect any injury so you took this as a good sign.

He quickly closed the distance and pulled you in for hug. It was quiet but you could still hear him mutter “I’m fine, Y/N. I’m glad you’re back” into your hair. And in this moment you realised that the anxiety, the tight feeling in your chest and the worry about Ryan had lifted. One simple hug let all your worries wash away. It seemed to fix all your problems and worries. Just like it had used to do.

When Ryan pulled away you could see it in him as well. That realization. He gave you a kiss on your temple.

“You’re back, Y/N. You’re back. God, I missed you so much.”

And you knew he didn’t just mean your physical return to Denver. You were back.

*the end*

#ryan graves #ryan graves fic #ryan graves imagine #ryan graves x reader #nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction #colorado avalanche

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celticcrossanon · 3 years

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Hi,

I think u or maybe someone else all this bad news about Lili and Queen RF etc will happen within certain date. Sorry if not u saying that, i tend to mix alot of reading.

If im not wrong until some date in July bcause i remember asking someone before, if they manage to survive until Aug, can we breath normally again.

But recently seem like there are talking about thing happen this weekend and probably next week. Do you think this is correct time or date is within now until end of june or probably july etc?

I dont wish bad for lili & Queen but i really really want hakles divorce to come fast just so i can laugh at H & maybe he will learn something about karma. 😈

Tq CC and i wish you well..

Hello Nonny,

There was a big flood of energy around HM the Queen yesterday. A lot of readers picked it up.

The general consensus seems to be that HM the Queen will die soon. Some readers are predicting by next Tuesday.

The last time I looked, I drew cards indicating Cancer season and the number 7, which at first I took to mean the month of July, but now it is reading to me as a week either side of Cancer season, so from the 13th/14th June to 28th/29th July. For me, that is the danger period for her death (I do not have the best record of death timings, just so you know. General is good, actual weeks or dates it a lot harder).

If HM the Queen lives until August, then the immediate danger is over, but she still might die at any time. I would have to draw on the question of her death in August to see what happened and how she is then in terms of years left to live.

Taking tarot out of it, Her Majesty has just lost her loved husband of over 73 years. That is a huge amount of grief and sorrow to work through as well as adjusting to life without him. It make you frail and vulnerable. The first year is the hardest. After that it gets a bit better, but the first year is a very vulnerable time.

Since the death of her husband, Her Majesty has lost one of the two dogs that were given to her to help her after her husband's passing, so one half of a recent living link with him. We all know how much she loves dogs, so any pet passing would be hard on her, but a puppy, and so soon after his death when she is in a fragile emotional state anyway? That has to hit hard.

His her husband's death, Her Majesty has requested that the name 'Lilibet' be put aside and no longer used. Most people would recognise and respect this sign of grief from a recent widow. Instead, her loved grandson and his wife go "Haha, we're going to use that name for our daughter" (presumably so they can merch her and the royal connection to their hearts content). The couple also register domain names under 'PrincessLilibet' and 'LilibetDiana' (and maybe one more that I can't remember), essentially taking that name and throwing it out all over the world for whatever uses they have in mind. It is a complete betrayal of their grandmother and her wishes for her special name.

On top of that, they had the hide to say that Her Majesty approved of the name. When the Queen, in her grief and distress, issued a statement saying that was not true, and she did not approve of the name, the Harkles responded with 'the statement is a lie' (i.e., HM the Queen is a liar) and gave a legal warning to not just the BBC, who put out the statement, but to the entire British media, saying that the statement was defamatory and was not to be repeated.

All this is a huge amount of stress and emotional hurt to inflict on a vulnerable 95 year old widow who has only ever shown the Harkles kindness and respect. No wonder Her Majesty looks so frail. She is not physically recovering from the funeral because she has been given no peace and quiet in which to do so. I have seen elderly widows who looked as shrunken and frail at their husband's funeral as Her Majesty did at her husbands funeral, and two months later they looked better than Her Majesty does. The Harkle stress is definitely taking its toll on her, and she is vulnerable to begin with.

With all that taken into account, even without Tarot, I would not be surprised if HMTQ passed away due to the stress caused by her grandson. In effect, the Harkles will have killed her. Tarot is merely confirming what is happening in real life.

I don't know when HM will die, but I would not be surprised at all if it was around the 13th of June.

My apologies for the long reply. I needed to get that out of my system, and your ask came pat to the psychological moment. :)

TL;DR - I think HMTQ will die sometime between the 13th of June and the 29th of July. If she survives until August (and I hope she does) I will revisit the question then.

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 3 years

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Hello. This is my first time sharing and I feel nervous. I've went through a lot of things during my early childhood; from being mentally abused by my parents, being emotionally neglected, abused and mistreated at school to fully isolated from everyone and everything. My overprotective parents only let me go for a walk with my dog, anything further than that feels like I'll get overpowered by their influence on me. I recently turned 19, yet I feel like I'm suffocating just being locked in the house and never be let to meet other people because my parents consider it dangerous. People barely know I exist. I only had two best friends but we eventually split due to college. Unfortunately I had to take gap year, which I was afraid of doing as my mental health is worsening by the day. I had a difficult period where I suffered from depression and heavy dissociation while also having severe anxiety that doesn't help me when it comes to interaction with others.

My parents never stopped with their abuse towards me, with my father turning physical towards me few times. Because of everything, I coped by trying to dissociate further to avoid showing my emotions, since my parents hated seeing any type of anger or sadness from me. Now, I feel nothing.

That sounds like such a difficult and traumatic situation to be in. Having difficulty feeling anything and dissociating further to avoid showing your emotions sound like really normal ways to respond to such a stressful situation. Being so isolated and trapped sounds like it's really damaging to your mental health and wellbeing.

I hope that after your gap year is over you'll be able to find some way to gain some distance from your parents. If you are 19, you are presumably a legal adult in your area, and you have rights. If you would like to leave, your parents cannot legally stop you (although you may need to access resources like housing and career support to be able to move out on your own). If you go to college you may also be able to justify moving out to your parents or access student funding that will make you less reliant on them. You do not have to choose those options, but if you do, it doesn't mean you're ungrateful or a bad child, even if your parents try to say something like that (which it sounds like they might). You deserve to feel safe and to have the freedom to explore being an adult and try new things in life.

- Mod Allison

#trauma talks #tw abuse #mod allison

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skinfeeler · 4 years

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between good posts, miscellaneous aesthetic content, and astounding selfies, sometimes the mask slips and it becomes obvious that i am an extraordinarily troubled person. why? well, there are many reasons. but i can give you a microcosm from the sort of things that are done to me to make me this way, even by other trans women.

this is a vaguepost about me with zero notes. let’s break it down! but before we break it down, let’s take it at face value. the kind of picture she’s painting here insinuates that perhaps i horribly mistreated her and then, in HAL fashion, made sure she was exiled from all the communities we shared using vague accusations and extremely loaded language. something like that.

factually, the opposite happened. we’re all familiar with reversal of accusations done by people who hold power over these they hurt, aren’t we? so here are the disturbing and crude circumstances from which this disgusting screed emerged:

we initially shared an online space together. at some point we started conversing privately. as almost the first thing she said to me, she confided to me that she used to hate women like me: brash. assertive. confident. self-loving. not afraid to take up space or to refuse to put up with mistreatment. the product of a ceaseless struggle against conditioning to let people exploit me, abuse me. one of two directions each trans woman can take, the other one to become fragile and let oneself stay fragile.

she said that once she met me and got to know me, she dropped this worldview and seemed embarrassed she ever held it. in response, i, simply grateful to not have someone reject me for being the wrong kind of trans woman — an etymological baeddel, if you will — told her that i understood, since i know people like me aren’t allowed to exist. i wish i hadn’t.

because she didn’t drop it forever. she only dropped it conditionally.

we had a dalliance of sorts, and eventually it turned out to be deeply unhealthy for both of us, so i broke it off for both our sakes. i told her that it was probably for the best that we ‘stopped talking’, by which i meant to not contact me individually and to refrain from using group environments specifically to solicit me. i hoped that this reduction of contact, while making room to share the same spaces, would be better for both of us than our unhealthy and mutually damaging association.

then soon after day her girlfriend who shared the same space and who i still spoke to told me — as part of a larger diatribe concerning a reciprocally harmful situation — the following.“It’s ridiculous - it’s a completely irresponsible way to handle a sitution with someone you're supposed to share a community with. You completely disposed of her. You forced her out.”

alongside this, a series of quotes from hot allostatic load on her blog, very clearly meant for me.

apparently respect for the dignity of trans women like me ceased the moment i denied someone access to me— respect from her, and the people i thought were close to me but who were apparently still quite willing to suddenly assume the worst when i was simply trying to set boundaries. i wasn’t setting boundaries as a real trans woman may be entitled to, i was forcing people out, i was made the aggressor simply for daring to set boundaries based on a prior judgement that was made the moment people met me and the way i talk, the particular trauma responses i have. what might be praised in a more feminine and mild-mannered (trans) woman was in me, proof of guilt and evil.

it didn’t matter what actually happened, what exactly both of us respectively did to each other. what mattered is how she felt. how she felt aggressed against by the wrong kind of trans women daring to deny her access to her body and person.

other people got involved and other conflicts got aggravated. she kept stoking the fires— other situations, if they were resolvable beforehand, weren’t because of the poison she put in people’s heads about me. through all of this, neither she nor her girlfriend were ever in the slightest genuinely repentant for the way they made it difficult for me to set boundaries.

all of this happened in the acute aftermath of me being raped in an alleyway — an event they had knowledge of — during the few months after. i was so, so carefully trying out if it was even possible for me to be intimate with others. it was, briefly, until i pulled out, until i told people that i felt violated by things that happened.

and all of that, all of my attempts to set boundaries and to protest against violations committed, were not even met with direct answers or where not possible, dignified resignations to that fact and attempts to atone. instead, what happened is that they leveled narratives at their friends and girlfriends until they felt so overwhelmed that people refused to sincerely listen to my side of things and i was put in a position where all i was to do to make amends for my own actions, with everyone else completely protected. i was told people are very upset, that i had made them feel very bad, and this hurt is what ended up mattering, not what they did to me.

it broke me, for some time. i behaved disrespectfully and harmfully to a number of people in the months after. i was in such an aggravated state of trauma from having it be repeatedly proven to me that my body is fair game for anyone’s carnal drives that i was oblivious to the ways that i was exhausting people by trying to play politics in a vain attempt to get some recognition for what happened to me and how it was enabled, facilitated by both perpetrators and others in that space.

and then, eventually, after months of building tension and stress which nobody felt able to resolve, nothing could have happened but that i was forced out of the one space where i was told that the bad kind of trans woman could belong and be treated well, too.

that we could ‘build alternatives’ to the traumatic things that are done to us and then do to ‘each other’ (although really, just to those among us who aren’t deemed worthy of protection).

---

i do not believe she is actually a predator— i am not from an english-speaking country, and my throwaway post in which i said “no sympathy for sex pests who got rejected months ago and still whine about it” was based on an understanding that it meant someone who harmed others in the context of sexual interactions, but not necessarily an actual ‘predator’, insofar that essentialist, individual, reactionary idea of one who does harm actually holds meaning to me. certainly she is not as bad as actual literal alleyway rapists, not that it is fair or reasonable to have it fall to me to reassure anyone of that.

however, she is oblivious to the fact that reacting to people setting boundaries in this way and that projecting transmisogyny on them along the lines she did damages their ability to set boundaries in the future, especially since i was recently raped, which she and everyone else involved knew about. she’s not a predator, but her behavior chipped away at my ability to set boundaries and is completely irreverent of them regardless of context or intent. most consent guides have vile things to say about those who hear that they hurt others, freak out in an emotionally incontinent way and make it everyone else’s problem instead of working towards taking responsibility. unfortunately, she made it so that this behavior ended up being enabled and rewarded, simply because the way in which she was violent is not seen as violence by many in our circles.

i stopped taking progesterone. i refused to be intimate with people. i wanted to be sexless and recoiled at all expressions of attraction from others, experiencing them as a prelude to violation since i couldn’t conceive of people being into me and acting on that in a way that wouldn’t end up humiliating, traumatising, heartbreaking. i didn’t feel like i could exist with other people anymore, and believed that never, ever would i be treated in an equitable way where my hurt matters just as much as theirs.

i don’t want to be sanctified over my own mistakes i just want to get treated as all the other people who made awful, horrible ones— i wasn’t, people refused to level with me about it until they had already made up their minds about me and cut me off first individually, then collectively. i was treated as a perpetrator by default.

even with what i did and my role in all of this, i did not deserve to be treated this way.

---

i didn’t make any actual threats. what i did was the following.

if i don’t stop it from happening, a payload of information about the actions and identities of people who violated my boundaries will be released, with the understanding that this only happens if i don’t periodically reset a timer when it will be uploaded, with the understanding that this will only happen if i die. this gives me some sort of comfort that if i kill myself, i’ll at least get to finally have the voice which people with immense amounts of social capital are preventing me from having, inadvertently or on purpose. if all of this kills me, does she really believe she deserves to get away with it, my voice forever lost?

i also made a post that next time someone forces me into something i don’t want, i won’t freeze up— if it is a physical situation, i know i will fight back and win against someone literally sexually assaulting me, that is what the post was about! that’s not even something she wants (presumably). so to make this out as some threat against her is frankly preposterous, and i can’t really find any way to take it as another cynical attempt to portray me as the wrong kind of tranny: the one without a lithe body and who doesn’t perform a fetishisation of her own (pretended) lack of power over others well enough, with the wrong set of traumatic personality alterations.

---

allow me to end with a few choice screenshots from this person’s blog, and an ask she sent me to circumvent my block on discord.

what’s the deal with people who have a certain access to feminine fragility (cis women, certain kinds of trans women) and comparing people to their abusive fathers?

stop postmodernising about my boundaries. please.

what’s worse? ending something awful for both of us as well within my entitlements, or circumventing a block in order to chastise me for it as a prelude to unleashing the full power of the whisper network? i guess all things are fine when the first is done by a trans woman who can deadlift 1.5x her bodyweight and the second is done by a trans woman who prides herself on being sensitive and who is just so easy to hurt— not like she has plenty of means to passively aggress or cut trans women like me off from their support networks, murder them in a thousand ways which our community sanctifies, which is exactly what she did, both while we knew each other and after.

this, for months and months and months. making me wonder what the next way she will hurt me is going to be.

---

it is a genuine relief to hear that this person never wanted to see me again. because of her behavior, i was under the distinct impression she wanted me back in some sense. you may see why when you look at all these strange attempts to undermine the boundaries she knows i struggle to maintain.

all this talk invoking the concept of radical transformative justice after she did her best to escalate situations to get me exiled simply because i didn’t want to have a personal, individual association with her. it’s not enough for her that she managed to get rid of me, me daring to feel hurt by it is another violation of the values that were supposed to prevent what happened to me from happening, in fact, me feeling hurt is portrayed as worse as what she did to hurt me, and as invalidating any demand i have at all to be treated with any dignity or receive any defense or protection from anyone at all, simply because of the way it made her feel that i dared to be hurt by what she did.

what matters is what happened. what matters is what people did. what matters is what factually happened, not transmisogynistic interpretations of it, forgotten at convenience by the people who were there. what matters is who is decided to be worthy or unworthy of protection, who is actually capable of being hurt instead of considered unrapeable, unviolable, invulnerable and dangerous for it, which frankly, seems what patterns of ‘disposability’ always seem to revolve around. it is disturbing that this language was invoked to ironically, argue the status of my body as public property at pain of isolation.

what matters is power, and statements like “i don’t hate you” are cheap from those who will always have the social capital to hurt me like this so long as the gendered heuristics of the circles we share remain hegemonic.

#likes only.

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buckyistired · 5 years

Text

Why Bucky Barnes Isn’t Damaged Goods, Take Two

Since tumblr is a big ol butthead and ate my first post on the subject, and I apparently write essays on Bucky Barnes for fun, here is take two on why Bucky Barnes isn’t damaged goods. Why should I care enough to spend another several hours re-writing this? Because it is not ok to call survivors of traumatic events damaged. Period. End of story. It was a lousy choice of words that could easily be misinterpreted, and I would have been willing to leave it at that, if the writers and directors didn’t keep talking and digging that hole a little deeper. So...here we go. Again. I’m on my soapbox and the view is great.

In less than an hour of screen time over seven films, the Marvel Cinematic Universe gave us a complex, beloved character that walks the line between victim and villain with a murder-strut swagger. Bucky Barnes is as lonesome and dangerous as he is charming and sarcastic. Many fans have fallen in love or seen themselves reflected in Bucky’s trials and triumphs; he’s truly an awesome, multi-faceted character, but unfortunately, fans seem to be of the few who realize this.

Recent comments made by both MCU directors and writers regarding Bucky’s mental state have…bothered me and I thought, well, let’s examine the evidence that Bucky is damaged, shall we?

Obligatory disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional; I have PTSD and use these strategies myself, but nothing I’ve written should preclude you from seeking a professional opinion if you need it. Talking with a therapist about my PTSD helped me get light years ahead in terms of recovery. Whatever path you choose, take care of you.

What is PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it.

Does Bucky Barnes have PTSD?

By definition, Bucky has experienced or witnessed the following traumatic events:

WWII. Bucky served as an active soldier during WWII, in the trenches and on the battlefields. He was a distinguished sniper and a Sergeant, which means he witnessed and contributed to the war effort to an even further degree. Many soldiers had “battle fatigue” or “shell shock” during the war; it is not unlikely that Bucky would have experienced this from WWII alone if he had survived and returned home.

Prisoner of War. Bucky was captured and tortured as a prisoner of war, not once, but twice. He was experimented on in his time in Azzano, before he was captured again by Zola/Hydra.

The Fall. Bucky shouldn’t have survived the fall from the train in the Alps. He watched as Steve tried to save him and failed, and he was cognizant as he fell to his presumed death and as he was then captured.

Disability. As established in flashback scenes, Bucky was conscious when he fell from the train and as he was being pulled through the snow by his captors (who he may have assumed were saviors at that point, double ouch). He woke up to his arm being removed and replaced. This kind of permanent change to his body would be difficult enough to work through in a peaceful recovery environment. We know that Bucky didn’t get that luxury.

Hydra/The Winter Soldier decades. The cryochamber. Being strapped to a table and experimented on. The chair. Having no control over your own mind or body. Being forced to murder; being trapped in a continuous war. This torture lasted for 70 years.

Civil War. Free from Hydra, Bucky is trying to live the good life, keep his head down, and stay out of trouble. Then boom, he’s blamed for a bombing that kills how many people? And he’s right in the middle of Tony and Steve’s fallout? Oh, and he loses his arm, again? And then he willingly goes back into cryofreeze? Ok. That’s like 16 traumatic events in the space of 24-48 hours, also known as Bucky Barnes and the No Good Very Bad Day.

Battle Against Thanos and The Snapture, Part 1. Just as Bucky gets to the point where he’s living the good live and recovering from the trauma that has been pretty much his entire life, Thanos shows up, and Bucky is off to another battlefield. Then, he dies. Sort of. Again. How many times is this now?

Battle Against Thanos and The Snapture, Part 2. Bucky gets unsnapped and has approximately two seconds of “yay!” before he is again fighting on a battlefield for his life and the lives of those he cares about and oh, for the entire world.

A common thread here is that all of these traumatic experiences included a near brush with death or a near constant threat to his person. We don’t even really know the extent of the trauma Bucky endured when he was captured by Hydra. Regardless, I just listed eight different traumatic events that Bucky has experienced or witnessed. I think, yes, it’s safe to say that poor Bucky has PTSD, big-time.

So, is Bucky Barnes damaged?

No. Bucky Barnes is an individual who have survived more than his fair share of traumatic events, and as such, his brain has had to compensate for how he thinks, processes, and responds to stimuli. He does, at one point, suffer from literal brain damage from the chair, but we are shown in Black Panther that Shuri has healed the physical damage to his brain.

If Bucky experienced permanent damage from his trauma, he would be incapable of living his life. Literally. If he suffered from PTSD and did not actively try to take measures to cope with it, he would not be able to function; his brain wouldn’t let him. (In my opinion, he still would not be “damaged” because people with mental health issues are still people who deserve respect and shouldn’t be talked about like feral animals, but hey, moving past ableist language is apparently too much to ask and I digress).

Anyways, my point is that Bucky is not only aware of his condition, but actively takes steps to treat it, therefore, he cannot be of a damaged mind. And I’m gonna prove it.

Bucky Barnes: PTSD Symptoms and Coping Strategies

Bucky exhibits both positive and negative coping strategies throughout the films as his journey to recovery progresses, sometimes back to back, which is a great, realistic choice, because it shows that recovery is not linear.

Avoidance

Avoidance occurs when a person avoids thoughts or feelings about a traumatic event; it can interfere with emotional recovery and healing and is a common reaction to trauma.

The first step in treating any illness is recognizing the need for treatment. In Captain America: The First Avenger we see Bucky actively avoid recognizing his trauma after being rescued from Azzano. He’s putting on a strong face in the name of avoidance (“Let’s hear it for Captain America!”) but he’s also suffering.

Source: https://cogentranting.tumblr.com/post/174225812218/comic-bucky-phdna-bluandorange-edgebug

There’s an additional scene in this film that, while played for laughs and parallels between Bucky and Steve, has always meant more to me. When the Howlies are all gathered in a bar, drinking, laughing, and having a good time, Bucky is by himself in the back room (avoiding friends) where it’s quiet (avoiding loud disturbances that could rock him) and he can keep an eye on his surroundings (being overly alert). His uniform is disheveled and he’s lost that cocky Sergeant Barnes signature look. When Peggy walks in and completely ignores him, this is Bucky’s reaction:

Source: https://steviebarnes.tumblr.com/post/181821865007/steve-little-shit-rogers

I don’t think Bucky was exaggerating here. Everything he’s been through lately is a horrible dream. We don’t talk about this scene enough in terms of how it shows Bucky’s vulnerability; it’s really the first hint we have that Bucky has lost a part of himself during this war.

Engaging in Dangerous Behavior/Overworking

In Captain America: The First Avenger, we witness Bucky deploying a negative coping strategy for the first time: over dedication to his work that suggests he’s overcompensating as a way of avoiding thinking about his trauma. Engaging in reckless or dangerous behavior also is a symptom of PTSD. Bucky continuously experiences new stressful situations, which ultimately will extend his healing time. For example, he willingly goes on a mission to capture Zola, the man who strapped him to a lab table and pumped him full of knock-off super soldier serum. Seeing the doctor again would be enough to trigger Bucky into an episode but he goes anyways because his dedication to the mission is more important to him than his mental stability.

Source: https://n-barnes.tumblr.com/post/170542194046/bucky-with-the-guns

Now, this is still an active war zone. The necessity of the Howling Commando missions to win the war means that Bucky doesn’t really have time to process what’s happened to him; he’s incapable of coping in a healthy way at this point and charging forward, continuing to work, is the only way he knows how to survive.

Bucky has a bad habit of not avoiding his triggers when he feels the mission is more important than his mental health. A common theme throughout every film is that Bucky is put into one dangerous situation right after another, usually immediately following a five minute breather.

In Captain America: The Winter Soldier, we see glimpses of Bucky Winter being pulled in and out of cryofreeze, placed on mission after mission. The one time we begin to see that there’s more to Winter than they’d have us believe is when Bucky’s memories surface for a hot minute in the bank vault. He has about 30 seconds of downtime where he’s aware and then…wipe him. Back on the mission to kill Captain America. Everything about his time as the Winter Soldier was dangerous; it’s not like Hydra really cared about his physical or mental health. All those years of trauma and overworking probably crashed down on Bucky, hard, the moment he was in control of his own mind again and able to rest. And his brain was in physical shambles on top of it. Poor Bucky.

Source: https://mishasteaparty.tumblr.com/post/93678343244/prep-him

Similarly, in Captain America: Civil War, we get this amazing scene:

Source: https://mackievanstan.tumblr.com/post/176453875698/let-him-rest

And another in Avengers: Infinity War:

Source: https://mackievanstan.tumblr.com/post/176453875698/let-him-rest

Once again, Bucky keeps getting thrown back into the middle of a fight when he needs to be resting. This is a very, very bad idea. Super bad. Could really fuck with Bucky’s mental health permanently, bad. This is pretty much the definition of overworking to a detrimental degree.

But what I really love about his reactions in both of these scenes is that he knows exactly how poor of an idea it is. He knows continuing to fight isn’t good for him and he’s exhausted. He goes willingly anyways, but he has this amazing control over himself at this point. Every single fight could have Bucky experiencing an episode and losing himself to the trauma; he doesn’t. (To be fair, I think this is what the Russos were hinting at but they could have worded it so much better). Bucky could have walked away. He could have surrendered in Bucharest, he could have hidden in Wakanda. He fought anyways.

This shows just how complex Bucky’s PTSD really is and how well he’s coping with it: he’s engaging in dangerous behaviors which could trigger him, but he’s doing so with awareness and self-actualization. He’s got a handle on himself. These coping behaviors directly contradict the Russos’ statement that you “don’t want to give another weapon to that guy, it could end up being used the wrong way.” With the exception of being literally triggered with the Winter Soldier code words (which are no longer a threat because good job, Shuri), Bucky fights the good fight every single time. He doesn’t go rogue. He doesn’t lose himself.

Yeah, if that doesn’t make him a hero, I don’t know what further proof I can provide, because he does this in literally every single film.

Active Coping

Active coping means accepting the impact of trauma on your life, taking direct action to improve things, and creating habits that help you respond to everyday life in a positive manner. Avoiding triggers - people, places, anniversaries, or other reminders of the traumatic event - can be a healthy coping strategy.

The first time we see Bucky take a step toward positive active coping is in Captain America: The Winter Soldier:

Source: https://thatpleasantnightmare.tumblr.com/post/147118407198

Bucky just escaped being a prisoner, was injured in a gruesome fight with his best friend, and is now on the run. What’s one of the first things he does? Research. More than that, in this scene, Bucky is clean, in civilian clothing of his choosing, and appears to have treated his injuries from the fight on the carriers. His eyes are clear and although he is in a public (read: dangerous) setting, he’s aware of his surroundings, has a calm grip on reality, and is processing information. This is Bucky taking the first step to actively reclaiming his identity. This is when we see him begin to heal and he’s doing it on his own. He’s on step one of learning to actively cope: accepting the impact of the trauma on your life.

Bucky continues to exhibit positive coping strategies on his own as time moves forward, as we see in Captain America: Civil War. By the time we meet up with Bucky in Romania, he’s already taken direct action to improve his situation. When we first see Bucky, he’s at a local market, smiling and engaging in conversation with a vendor while he buys produce. He looks good; is physically fit, is practicing hygiene, and is in clean clothes that protect his identity.

Source: https://buckybgrnes.tumblr.com/post/174829011372

I love this scene and specifically the way Sebastian played it, because we see Bucky exhibit positive and negative coping strategies nearly back to back. As he’s trying for normal, he’s also hyper aware of his surroundings, unwilling to let his guard down. He’s scanning for anything that could trigger him or endanger his health, but he is aware. Staying alert and on guard is a classic symptom of PTSD.

Source: https://kittyseb.tumblr.com/post/144559460240/this-whole-scene-of-bucky-on-the-streets-of

However, we have to understand that Bucky’s situation requires this sort of hyper vigilance. He’s a wanted man, both by Hydra and the CIA, and he’s actively being hunted. So although Bucky is displaying a classic symptom of PTSD, what we see here is him deploying a positive strategy for coping. By staying aware to his surroundings, he’s protecting himself. This is opposite to the kind of harmful behavior we should expect from him at this point in his recovery. He’s by himself, without any support, and has to look over his shoulder every block to make sure that he’s safe. Extreme hyper vigilance would show being Bucky afraid to leave his apartment altogether. Again, while he is suffering and displaying symptoms of active post traumatic stress, he’s also actively coping by taking direct action to improve his circumstances and creating habits that improve his daily life.

Through the entirety of the Romania scene in Captain America: Civil War, we catch glimpses of other healthy habits and positive coping strategies Bucky has developed.

Practicing Mindfulness

One really great blink-and-you-miss-it detail from the film is the existence of Bucky’s journals. As Steve goes through Bucky’s stuff (really, Steve?), you see him pick up a journal from the top of Bucky’s fridge. Inside are notes, memories, and references, categorized and marked by tabs. This is one of my favorite examples of Bucky using another strategy for coping with PTSD: mindfulness.

Source: a shitty screenshot I took from the movie.

Mindfulness: a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. Mindfulness may help people get back in touch with the present moment, as well as reduce the extent with which they feel controlled by unpleasant thoughts and memories.

This is an extremely positive practice for Bucky, because at this point in the films, he’s still suffering from brain damage and memory loss. We see several examples of Bucky shaking his head, blinking, and losing himself to possible memories throughout the films. Journaling, as a way to capture those memories, categorize them, and begin rebuilding a timeline of his life, can help Bucky identify his triggers, work through episodes, and ultimately distinguish between past memories and the present, enabling him to regain control of his mind.

Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle

When Bucky appears on screen, we see that he’s physically fit and obviously taking care of himself. We can assume that during his time as the Winter Soldier, Hydra kept Bucky in peak physical condition in order to succeed in every mission. Whether that was through training, supplements, drugs, the super soldier serum, etc., we don’t know. We don’t see Bucky continuing this training, but we do see the results of it. He’s capable of fighting, obviously maintaining his strength, and he’s able to run away.

Source: https://captaincentenarian.tumblr.com/post/149852437382/bucky-running-majestic-hair-appreciation

We also witness Bucky making healthy choices in terms of food. He’s got energy/protein bars in his apartment, snacks readily available, pots and pans which would imply he has been cooking, and even a thermos to keep himself hydrated. He’s doing his best to maintain his physical health, which in and of itself is a very positive coping method. He could be depressed, lost in his own mind, never getting out of bed. But Bucky wants to survive, he wants to be better, and so he takes care of himself. This is a good thing.

If you haven’t seen it, please read this post about Bucky’s apartment, because it hits on so many great points about how Bucky is taking care of himself.

Recognizing and Avoiding Triggers

Now for as many positive steps Bucky has taken to actively cope with having PTSD, he’s got awful luck when it comes to avoiding his triggers. It’s two steps forward, one step back, every time.

At the beginning of Captain America: Civil War, Bucky is trying his damndest to avoid being caught. But stupid Zemo has other plans.

Look, it’s hard for me to describe what happens next in the film. The way that Sebastian played these scenes will never not give me chills. We get an up close and personal view of Bucky’s PTSD in ways we’ve only caught glimpses of up until now; I don’t know what Sebastian researched in order to create this performance, but it is so spot on that it’s difficult to watch. I wish he got more credit for his acting and it’s a damn waste that he only had 30 seconds of screen time in subsequent movies. *sigh*

Anyways...

We see the acceptance and the fear in Bucky’s eyes as the CIA takes him into custody. He’s maintaining his composure, more than he should be capable of doing at this point, and he’s also letting himself slip into a safe zone (“I don’t want to talk about it.”). Until Zemo begins reading the trigger words.

Source: https://cvssian.tumblr.com/

Good grief, y’all. Look at him struggling. Bucky literally tried to fight his way out of being triggered, but he failed. Every fear he’s had for the past several years is happening. He’s losing control of his mind, of everything he’s worked so hard for up to this point. I don’t want to look too far into this as a commentary on Bucky’s character, because I don’t think the writers meant for it to be the deep - it serves more as a plot point to get us to the war part of Civil War - but if you stop and examine it for just a second, this scene is an absolute outrage. I can’t believe this happened to Bucky’s mind. They turned him into a weapon, again. They stripped him of years of hard work and recovery.

Source: https://brolinjosh.tumblr.com/

Thankfully - thankfully - one quick hit to the head later, and Bucky’s back. Not only is he aware of his surroundings, he’s cognizant enough to try playing dumb to Sam and Steve at first. I like the conversation that takes place between Bucky and Steve here, because Bucky was smart enough to give Steve exactly what he needed to hear to prove that Bucky was no longer a threat. We don’t talk about Bucky’s raw intelligence enough, likely because we’re always talking about his grief, and this scene gives us one of the rare moments in the film where we get to witness Bucky strategizing. He was just triggered, his brain is mush, he just lost control of himself, and then immediately after, he’s back on mission. We’re back to avoidance/no time to process. Bucky tucks being triggered as Winter into his back pocket to be dealt with on another day.

Remember how I said Bucky keeps getting thrown into fights, one after another? Guess what.

Source: https://captaincentenarian.tumblr.com/post/149852437382/bucky-running-majestic-hair-appreciation

There are a lot of significant, interesting parallels happening between Captain America: The First Avenger and Captain America: Civil War. The plot goes like this: Bucky was captured and actively tortured; Steve rescued him; they have no time to discuss what’s just happened and deal with it; and then Bucky is forced into another fight before he’s ready.

We can draw a lot of comparisons between the Howlies and Team Cap here and I wish that they had made the effort to explore this more in the film. This is the first time Bucky and Steve are fighting on the same team again since the war. Bucky is following Steve’s lead, even though he doesn’t know the people he’s fighting with/against, and he’s doing it because it’s for the greater good. They have to stop the other winter soldiers; the mission always comes first.

The biggest difference between the two films - and Bucky’s current state of mind - is that in The First Avenger, Bucky was actively avoiding recognizing his trauma after very similar events occurred, and in Civil War, not only does Bucky acknowledge what happened to him, we get this very poignant scene that’s both beautiful and devastating:

Source: https://bifelicitys.tumblr.com/post/182734674220/what-you-did-all-those-years-it-wasnt-you-you

This is a healthy outlook of acceptance and Bucky arrived there with nearly no outside assistance up to this point. This man has been through hell and back in the past 24 hours, on top of a hundred years of tragedy, and instead of breaking down as any reasonable person would, he fights. He has a long way to go in his recovery, but look how far he’s gotten on his own. And this is before Shuri’s help. Bucky’s willpower, tenacity, and depth of character never ceases to amaze me.

This is especially true with what happens next. You know how I said Bucky has awful luck in avoiding his triggers? Well...does walking back into the base of your own free volition where you were held prisoner and tortured for decades, count as maybe, oh I dunno, an event that should be avoided at all costs?

I’m being sarcastic but the depth of this moment shouldn’t be overlooked. Bucky going back to Siberia after everything he’s been through is a huge step backwards for his recovery. Siberia is crawling with triggers, from the threat of the other soldiers, to the cryo chambers, to the chair that wiped his memories and turned him into the Winter Soldier. The amount of bravery it took for Bucky Barnes to walk back into this place can’t be measured. He’s looking his history dead in the eyes with a shaky finger on a trigger and the fact that he doesn’t crack is astounding.

But then...this happens.

Source: https://tonystark.co/post/165333715841/buckys-facial-expressions-as-tonys-watches-the

I can barely stand to watch this because we are seeing Bucky actively having a PTSD episode. As the tape plays, Bucky is dissociating; he’s not there in the room with Steve and Tony, he’s back on the country road where he killed the Starks. The fear and the tears in his eyes, the recognition of what’s playing on the tape, and the knowledge of what’s about to happen are too much. His reaction here shows that he’s barely in control. He immediately responds to Tony lunging at him by raising his gun, an instinctive response, only to lower his weapon seconds later because of the acceptance of what he’s done. This is brutal and heartbreaking and very real.

It gets worse.

Source: https://itsawkwardfanboi.tumblr.com/post/176703555531/breaks-my-heart-seeing-him-about-to-pass-out

Bucky snapped in desperation and we witness him lose control in his battle with PTSD. It is very common for fight or flight to kick in under extreme circumstances and pressure; Bucky tried to escape, to avoid this outcome, but he couldn’t. The only thing he had left was to fight. We see Bucky lose control, not as Tony is threatening him, but because Steve is threatened. Bucky was fighting Tony, not to harm him, but to stop him, and not to protect himself, but to protect Steve. It’s an entirely different fighting style than Winter; it’s meant to disarm, not to destroy. Even though Bucky just experienced multiple triggers and traumatic events in a short timeframe, even though he is smack dab right in the middle of a traumatic episode, he still only wants to stop the fight, not kill. This is another example of how the Russos’ comments were unfair and incorrect. Bucky doesn’t go on murderous rampages; he tries to do what’s right. And what happens to him because of it?

He loses. Every single time.

Source: https://marvelworlduniverse.tumblr.com/post/172306346232

I will never forgive the writers for making Bucky lose his arm twice. Bucky has a real disability and it has always bothered me that his arm is only ever discussed as a weapon. The trauma from losing his arm the first time was never properly dealt with and here we are again, recycling that awful, painful, horrible plot point. There comes a certain point where you’ve hurt the characters enough and it does nothing for their character development. The grief, pain, and acceptance we see in Bucky’s eyes as he’s lying there wrecks me. He didn’t need to experience this. He’s been through enough. I don’t know how he’s still physically alive or not mentally lost without hope of recovery. But he is. He gets back up. And you know what he does next?

He asks for help.

Asking for Support

An important part of recovery is having a team of people around you to support you when times are tough. It is amazing to me that Bucky got as far as he did in his recovery, finding positive coping strategies and habits on his own while on the run.

Source: https://juliastiles.tumblr.com/post/178049225734/captain-america-civil-war-2016-dir-anthony

The acknowledgement of Bucky’s trauma in this scene was poignant and bittersweet and I’m very glad they included it, although I feel Steve here. It was sad to see Bucky go back into cryo, but it was necessary until the triggers could be safely removed.

And they were. This is my biggest issue with what the Russos said - they seemed to have either forgotten or refused to acknowledge what happened in Black Panther, when Shuri successfully removed the triggers and healed Bucky’s brain damage (cough, I know which one I’m placing my bets on, cough). We don’t disrespect Shuri like that in this house.

Source: http://stevechoosesbucky.tumblr.com/post/173521604559

From this point forward, Bucky’s brain is no longer damaged. He is no longer experiencing memory loss, nor is he capable of being triggered into Winter Soldier mode. Yes, he still has PTSD. Yes, he will need to continue to work on his recovery, just like Steve, just like Sam. And he does.

Speaking of Sam, this tidbit from Avengers: Endgame is really satisfying.

Source: https://paper-storm.tumblr.com/post/184537376766/can-we-talk-for-a-second-about-how-bucky-was-a

This moment is important because it shows that 1) Bucky is still very vulnerable and dealing with a lot of grief; the last time he saw Tony wasn’t exactly on the best of terms and now Bucky can never make up for what he did, and 2) Sam is an invaluable person to have at your side and a very, very good friend.

It’s hard to tell where we will go from here in the series/the next round of films, but I have a suggestion for a direction: get Bucky back to his positive coping strategies. Such as...

Spending Time Outdoors/With Animals

Before the battle in Avengers: Infinity War, we catch up with Bucky doing something seemingly very out of character: farming. Look, my blog name is Bucky the Farmer, it should tell you all you need to know about how much this tickled me when I first saw it. But upon further reflection, I realized how important this activity actually is.

Source: https://steverogersnotebook.tumblr.com/post/179505503935/bucky-in-wakanda-initial-recovery-vs-settled

It’s been shown that spending time in nature and around animals can have positive soothing effects on people who are recovering from trauma. Have you ever gone on a nice walk after a bad day to calm your mind, or spent a few minutes petting a dog? Do you exercise as a form of stress relief? It’s the same thing.

But what we’re also seeing here is Bucky taking responsibility for living beings beyond himself. He’s also interacting with children, an innocent and safe way to re-socialize himself. At this point, Bucky is past the stages of recovery where he needs to avoid, acknowledge, or actively cope with his trauma. He’s healing. He’s moving forward and learning how to live again, not just surviving day by day.

What happens next?

Prior to The Snapture, Bucky’s life was in Wakanda. Avengers: Endgame left quite a few stones unturned when it comes to Bucky’s future; we know that he’s in New York, that he won’t carry the shield, and seemingly, he and Sam are friends. He might hang out with Old Steve every now and again, visit his home in Brooklyn, or get a few goats. Maybe he’ll go back to Wakanda. Maybe he’ll be a part of the Avengers. We don’t know what Bucky will do next.

Regardless as to what happens, Bucky is in a good place. He’s experienced loads of trauma, but the physical and mental effects have been treated. His brain is not damaged and he’s continuing to recover. And when he’s ready, which I believe will be sooner than we think, he’s going to kick utter ass.

Bucky is still one of the most badass characters to ever be created; he’s efficiently deadly, a skilled fighter, the world’s best assassin. Those skills haven’t disappeared because he’s now in control of himself (and, some of those skills he had before he was the Winter Soldier; they were what made him a prime candidate in the first place. Remember, the Winter Soldier was supposed to be an equal foe to Captain America).

But he’s also so much more. Bucky has chosen to be morally good. A man who knows he can be the deadliest person in the room but chooses not to be is powerful. Is this not a direct callback to Erskine’s conversation with Steve in The First Avenger? Remember, Captain America is not a perfect soldier. He is a good man.

Bucky Barnes is a good man, no matter what trauma he’s experienced. So is Sam Wilson.

I absolutely believe it was the right choice for Sam to take up the shield at this moment in time. Let’s just get that out of the way, no Sam hate here. But I have a problem with the idea that Bucky couldn’t take up the shield because “he’s damaged” and that’s why it went to Sam instead. The Russos’ statements were insulting to both characters. Sam didn’t get the shield because Bucky wasn’t ready to carry it; Sam got the shield because it was right and he earned it. Sam deserves to be Cap just as much as Bucky deserves to take a damn nap. They don’t need to knock Bucky down in order to lift Sam up. It was a deliberate choice of words and it was wrong.

On some level, I understand what the writers and directors were trying to say: Bucky simply isn’t ready. And yet, they continue to speak about Bucky as if he’s weak, a villain, and permanently broken; I don’t think they can truly grasp how much of a complex and compelling character he really is. They had years to prepare a wise, thoughtful answer to the question of Bucky’s future and instead, they spouted off some ableist bullshit. They could take this character that embodies so much of what’s good and evil, right and wrong, fearful and hopeful, and use him to speak to hundreds if not thousands of individuals about the importance of never giving up and letting yourself find peace. They do this perfectly with Steve (“I can do this all day”) and Sam (“Are you going to carry it in a big suitcase or little man-purse?”) but why not with Bucky?

We just don’t know. But Bucky Barnes surely deserves better.

Source: https://captain-flint.tumblr.com/post/184564356218/bucky-barnes-in-avengers-endgame-looking-like-a

Recovering from trauma is an ongoing, nonlinear process. All Marvel characters have gone through some form of traumatic events and recovery. Bucky has experienced more than his fair share, but he will always survive, because that’s what he does. Now, he has the opportunity to thrive, if only the writers and directors will let him.

Sources:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/what/index.asp

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/gethelp/selfhelp_coping.asp

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-symptoms-self-help-treatment.htm/

#bucky barnes deserves better #bucky barnes #avengers: endgame #endgame #russo brothers #tw: ptsd #the unknown future of james buchanan barnes

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beabaseball · 4 years

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this is a delirious 11pm post for Adults Only guys

Leave this space, child!

...

...y’all teenagers are going to be tweaked out of their goddamn minds.

Like, not necessarily in the drugged way, though some maybe yes in the drugged way, but like. Specifically in the non-drug way, they’re going to be snippy, and inattentive, and self centered. And that’s probably fine.

Like. Of course teens are self-centered, their bodies are doing weird shit for the first time and people keep making jokes they don’t understand yet, and some of these fuckers haven’t been given sex ed so they don’t even know what’s coming.

The younger teens have just emerged from the child form that has only just started being able to comprehend a larger world. In elementary school, sure I was reading time magazine for kids and we prayed for people who were being reported (religious school; recent tsunami, it happens) and when I was in 1st or 2nd grade we heard rumors that once upon a time women weren’t allowed to do the same stuff as men, but like— you can feel those things, but it’s not really something that you comprehend unless it’s right then a part of your life. I remember the first time I really ‘got’ sexism was in ninth grade in a gym class of 24 boys to 3 + me girls, and I wrote bad poetry about it in my phone for like three months trying to process it.

When I was like 16 our car broke down midway to school and we had to call my dorm parent to come drive me the next 5 mins, and so he’s in a bad mood bc he has to pick me up, and mom is in a bad mood bc car she gets a feeling dorm parent didn’t believe her when she said the car broke down, and it’s like 80 out but more importantly the humidity is a swamp, and I just remember being in his car driving the rest of the way to school and he’s complaining about sunburns bc he’s super pale and Irish, but he’s trying to talk so I kind of say “huh well i’ve never gotten a sunburn. I tan real fast and then go inside and I’m white again.”

and even in the moment I remember being like “that’s not really what he wanted to hear” and I think he even made a face, but I was too out of it and hot and tired to really do anything passed that. And I do feel kind of bad about it? Like, I did not mean to demean his pain of sunburns and I know also that at the time he was having A Rough Time with his marriage, to the point where he had us doing religious plays about parenthood for three seasons straight.

But also, I was a teenager. And looking back I can’t exactly blame my past self for just kinda... saying some words and feeling bad the rest of the car ride but also too tired to care. Theater teacher man wasn’t a bad guy; we were definitely not good at reading each other and he thought musicals sucked, but he also was the one who comforted me out of a panic attack when we had a tornado warning and I ended up convinced my daystudent friend was going to die.

Because that’s what I cared about at the time. Me-related things. Yes, tornado, but I am worried about one (1) person, and that mattered to me. I stayed behind when we got an actual sex-ed person in 7th grade because I was scared that reading yaoi would send me to hell. I had a breakdown in front of my history professor because one of my friends was discovering her gender identity and I was scared I was ‘losing her’ (you know the words!)

Now, someone comes out to me or someone doesn’t understand a term and I’m over here like “yea which definition u wanna use” but back then I was a kid and I had never experienced anything like this before, my hormones were wild—which didn’t mean I was horny and wanted boyfriend, it meant I was in constant fear of bleeding through things and every now and then I would wake up and my body would be in surprise unknowable pain (aka I was finally big enough to cut off my own circulation in my sleep and also growing pains)

Now, I’ve got a lot of that under control. When I wake up with a body in pain I usually know why and probably it is my fault actually. I know a bit better how to get through days when I’m too hot, or too groggy, or just dissociation or mad. (The trick is: say aloud, “sorry if I’m not responding much, I’m just really hot/groggy/out of it/still upset about that.” )

That’s not something a lot of teens have down yet. I saw a kid with a naruto shirt on at work once and I said “hey naruto” and he looked at me like he’d seen the face of god, he was so surprised someone knew what naruto was. To someone even MILDLY in my age range, the idea of not knowing who Naruto is is preposterous. But this was like, 12-15 year old at the most. Not hit his growth spurt yet. Just absolutely blindsided that there was an outside world which recognized something he liked, which I’m gonna wildly guess his parents probably aren’t into or don’t talk about it with him, because the thought of talking Naruto with your kid is horrifying.

Obviously, thinking other people don’t know about naruto is a similar kind of self-centered thought along the lines of “I bet thigh chick isn’t a REAL fan of x” or “EVERYONE has an opinion on me and there is no in between” where like the world... sort of revolves around you.

And like, once that person grows up if they keep that sort of self-focus, that’s usually the time you start trying to ditch them, but even older teens are still just coming out of that larval childhood state. They know a lot more about the world than we probably did at their age—I know a lot of them aren’t having the same existential crisis over their friends’ gender like I did, which is a big ol step— but there are still days that it’s going to be too much new shit to deal with, plus whatever else is happening inside them personally. And it’ll take a while to learn how to handle that.

In the meantime, they might be snappish, or out of it, or just kind of give up and have a ‘fuck it’ attitude sometimes, and it drives a lot of adults just goddamn insane it seems, according to all the mildly aggressive parents at work, trying to get kids who don’t want to be there to give the right reactions. It’s probably not even anything personal to the event that’s making them unhappy. One time I talked to a kid who was crying, and when I got her to tell me what was bothering her, it turned out that some people on her family reunion were mean to her. Nothing about the immediate ‘now’, just a lot of emotion that needed to go somewhere, and that somewhere ended up being crying, and it was not at all about respect or disrespect or anything related to us. Probably most of what was needed was to talk about it (success) and take a long nap.

The first time I remember having a meltdown with a ‘trigger’ like that, I was in 5th grade and my first assignment was something like “what did you do over summer” so I lost my entire shit and cried on the couch for an hour. Passed out, slept til 7, woke up and was fed soup, and have no idea if I finished that paper but presumably I did because I remember a nap and food working.

I would keep having these homework meltdowns periodically, and I don’t know when they stopped, but I had at least one, maybe two, in my first year of college.

And eventually I’ve just kinda.... stopped having them. Stress about a big project wasn’t something that bothered me anymore. You just did it one step at a time, and when you started thinking “maybe I’ll do it in the morning”, you immediately go to bed because you’ve already lost the fight and even if you don’t do it in the morning at least you won’t face it sleep deprived.

It takes time and living to get these experiences, and while one kid might not have the same issues with school work I had, maybe something else just knocks them on their ass every time (same) and it is just. Literally something you need to live through a couple times before you know how to deal with it. You can provide Blank Slate Alien Person with all the mental health tips and anecdotal advice and chamomile tea as you want, but the first couple times they face stress, none of those tips help if they don’t know how to implement them.

If you’ve ever assembled something by instructions and ended up building it upside down—it’s easier to build it again once you’ve gotten mad and undone it and started again. Because you’ve practiced. You already had the instructions, but now you have the experience of building it already, even if the result wasn’t the one you wanted.

Teens are learning a) how to read instructions, and b) that their assembly is probably upside down. and in the meantime, the world is also bonkers wild right now.

When they have that moment of rage, or giving up, or aloofness upon finding shit got built upside down— just. Let them.

You don’t have to ‘fix’ it or ‘fix’ them for having these emotions, or lack of them.

These are normal reactions. They make sense. All I’m asking is that we understand it’s going to happen. These emotions are going to happen.

Don’t let yourself justify being mean to kids and teens by telling yourself they’re being disrespectful. The world and their lives and emotions also don’t revolve around you. It’s not always a rebellion or reason to fight when things get too high strung to hold total control of.

That doesn’t mean ignore them. I was maybe 12 or 13, and it was 90 on a metal ship, and i was wearing an under shirt because i didn’t have a bra, so two layers of clothes on a hot metal ship, on my period— and all I remember is asking my dad to let us sit down and eat some lunch, because i was dizzy and dehydrated, and all he just kept saying we would do it once he saw the tour. I have no idea how long it was but I probably could’ve cried and been called moody or uncooperative.

Life is difficult. Especially for people who aren’t yet in control of their situations. Who are still bursting out with emotions they can’t otherwise articulate.

Be kind to that.

#long post #ramble #teenagers #kids #teens #puberty #puberty Sucks #especially when the world continues to exist around you #beatext #memories

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baesketballers · 6 years

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Gaby my love welcome back!! How about some Kasamatsu? I know, I know, big surprise right? ;)

@ourneverendingpossibilities Two birds in one stone! I’m not sure if this kind of story suits him, but I was so inspired… Enjoy!

Reader’s gender is supposed to be unspecified, but let me know if I slipped. Also very little dialogue? I hope it’s not boring.

Also contains adult-ish themes, but none too NSFW. Semi-NSFW, maybe.

This piece is long! Placed a Keep Reading so as to not flood your screen.

One: a business arrangement is not love.

The wedding reception was fast. The two of you showed convincing displays of affection, sharing a few kisses on the lips and holding hands when necessary. To the naked eye of the public, you and Kasamatsu Yukio looked just like two people in love. To a select few, however, the wedding was merely an act.

“That was kind of exhausting,” you sigh, tipping the champagne glass to allow you to chug all of it in. Kasamatsu doesn’t bat an eyelash, helping himself to the liquor.

“Yeah.”

Although the two of you are not in love, you are not enemies either. Dressed in matching robes (complimentary, from the hotel staff in celebration of your tying the knot), you and your husband across one another on the balcony overlooking a spectacular view of the city. Not exactly the way you imagined your wedding night to go—drinking with your spouse until the edge of sobriety, that is—and to be fair, probably not how he imagined it to go as well.

You’re doing this for duty. He’s doing this for the same reason, but mainly for his father. That much you know.

You decide to cut the silence first.

“Now that we’re stuck together,” you say, the sound mixed with your sigh of fatigue, “might as well make the most of it.” The proclamation catches your now-husband’s attention, because those metal blue eyes look at yours almost glaringly. You smile, averting your gaze from his in favor of the view.

“What I’m saying is that we could at least be friends. Think of me as your roommate.” You continue, and the nostalgic visions in your head of university days cause you to break out into a grin and a small laugh. Perhaps it’s your mind’s own way to protect itself from the truth that you just got into a business marriage.

He scoffs, presumably amused at your antics. Your optimism is infectious. Kasamatsu suddenly doesn’t really mind the arrangement, not when his assigned partner is trying to exploit the most fun out of it.

He proposes a toast to the roommate agreement, and the two of you continue to drink the night away.

Two: you don’t fall in love with your roommate.

Kasamatsu Yukio might seem like an incredibly practical, straightforward individual upon one’s first impression. Like a trained assassin, his mannerisms and course of action are geared towards the completion of a goal—definitely not the type to lay back and smell the flowers.

Yet you have seen him laugh openly like he’s nine again. Many times this months. From your spontaneous and deadly tickle fights to some lame joke you made, from late night comedies to just… simple conversations.

You’ve learned to understand him better in the period of three months of sharing a living space and a ring on each of your fingers.

You might have learned a little bit too much.

Because you catch yourself staring at his back while he flips the pancakes. Because your walls tumble down as he asks you how your day was. Because you feel your heart might burst when he ruffles your hair and whispers ‘good night’. Because he acts like he cares.

One morning you wake, the blue lights of dawn filtering in through the blinds, and he is a painting. Beautiful, undisturbed, eternal.

And you realize you are falling for him.

You exit the apartment early that day, before he wakes, making sure to leave behind a note on the fridge with some near-acceptable reason to get out of the house at 6 in the morning. You can’t bear to face him knowing that you just. might. love him.

Three: you don’t get jealous of your roommate.

His father’s health deteriorated. He isn’t doing well mentally. You are almost always left with the shell of Kasamatsu Yukio when he comes back home after a hospital visit. You fix him a warm drink always—fall may have just begun, but the cold air does not hold back.

But his heart, too, has grown cold.

2 a.m. and he’s gone from his side of the bed. You are only awake because of the annoying urge to go to the toilet. Worried, you call him once, twice, no response. Trying to stay up all night for him doesn’t work—you can’t help but fall asleep at 5 a.m., at least half an hour before he comes back home. You don’t see him until the next night because of work, but when you do…

“Where did you go last night?”

“Out.”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes, taking into consideration his fatigued mental state thanks to his father’s condition. “Seemed like it. Where?”

“It’s none of your business.”

Dinner that night is cold and silent, the click-clack of silverware against plates seems louder than they usually are, as if intimidating you by showing just how not-your-business his nightly outings are.

You’re in a business marriage, after all.

Soon, that one night out turns into two, and then three, and then five times in two weeks. You lie in bed restless for all those occasions, until you decide to earn the truth from somebody else’s confession—one of Kasamatsu’s aides, a man that just joined the company, oblivious towards the charade that is your marriage.

You don’t have to pretend much to be a worried wife. You’re already worried. The aide sees that, and does his best to dig around. He finally tells you, through text, that your husband has been hanging around one of his closest friends. They’ve been spotted at multiple nightclubs, each visit rousing huge numbers of people to crowd and gather there.

If you know one person in Kasamatsu’s circle that is all about the night life, it’s Kise Ryouta.

The blonde is also all about the women—or men, depending on his mood, so they say—and a bitter taste enters your mouth. You aren’t eating or chewing on anything.

Jealousy enters your system like bile. Kasamatsu, club-hopping, a woman or man (also depending on his mood, you think) hooked on each of his arm. He’d drink, brood, looking like a fine damaged hunk with the top two buttons of his shirt open. You’ve seen that sight before during the first days of his father’s diagnosis. Although it’s hard at first for you to concoct that image in your mind, thanks to Kasamatsu’s usual virtuous and morally strong behavior, you quickly attribute it to the stress he’s had a lot of recently.

An angel fallen. Not uncommon to hear people turn to sex when they want to escape from reality.

He probably doesn’t find you to his tastes.

Maybe he likes his girls and guys a little wilder, wearing revealing clothing and purring on his lap, calling him something kinky like daddy or master. Maybe he wants them to giggle next to him, playfully drawing circles on his chest and whispering provocative things in his ear. Maybe he prefers to have them at the back of a nightclub, scarcely hidden in the shadows while he claims them.

You remember him flipping pancakes.

Asking you how your day was, ruffling your hair and whispering ‘good night’. You remember him smiling, and you cry yourself to sleep.

Four: you’re bad at lying.

His father has almost fully recovered and it’s as if nothing has happened. He starts talking to you again like he didn’t disappear at least three or four times a week in late September. He’s suddenly your good friend again.

You, on the other hand, have a hard time pretending everything is okay. It’s hard enough to keep up the act in public, when the two of you are together, but you have to put that mask on even in your own home. You’re crumbling inside. Cold. You want to push him away, but that will lead him to question.

And you can’t bear to let your feelings slip. It’s clear that he doesn’t feel the same, judging by the midnight escapades, the way he shuts you out. You’re suffering alone.

“Are you okay?”

He’s asked that a billion times today, you duly note, and you try your best to give him that eye-smile you gave the people at your wedding. It’s a charmer. They always fall for it. The corner of your mouth twitches weakly, and inside, you know you’ve lost.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Doesn’t look like it,” he asks, clearly concerned. You take a glance at those metal blue eyes and immediately look away, pretending that your platter of toast and scrambled eggs is way more interesting.

“I’m fine,” you repeat, trying to sound final.

“____________, you’ve been acting really weird lately.”

How do you even respond to that? You sigh, feigning exhaustion but really, it’s frustration. Frustration towards your silly feelings that decide that it’s better for you to fall in love with him, your fake. husband. living together with you under the guise of a fake. marriage. It’s for fucking money.

“Work’s just stressing me out.”

“I know you better than you think,” he says, setting down his fork and knife. “If it’s work, you would’ve already ranted to me a thousand times about it already.”

“This one’s different,” you mutter, “I can’t really talk about it.”

“The hell does that mean? Our companies are close to a merger—you should talk about it.”

And then you look at him straight in the eye, breakfast forgotten. He looks at you, confused yet hypnotized. Your eyebrows crease just the slightest but enough for him to see from across the table, the tightness of your lips also visible. You’re sending him a message that you’re not even aware of. Your face tells him first. Your eyes tell him next.

Your lips tell him last.

“I can’t talk about it.”

A chord strikes in him, reverberating in the chambers of his soul, sounding like a whisper, but its echoes shout. He understands. You don’t see it yet.

Five: he’s bad at lying.

The next few days pass with him being so unusually close to you. The roles have reversed: in the fall, you were always beside him like a blanket, full of warmth and embracing him just in case he decides to wilt away. This time, in the wake of winter, you’re the one escaping him, and he’s watching, touching a piece of you to make sure you don’t. Your wrist, your shoulder, your cheek.

He witnesses moments where it’s as if he has thawed you out—your eyes are always quite telling—but in a second, the sign is gone, leaving him wondering if he merely conjured it.

And then one day he talks to you after dinner. You have a few strands of spaghetti on your plate, but he half-drags you to the couch, ignoring your excuses of being tired after work.

“There’s someone,” he says.

You swallow. So your imagination turned out to be true. The dinner sitting in your stomach threatens to make its way back out, but you brace yourself and continue. Feigning mild surprise, you reply, “I see.”

The voice barely sounds like you. Has that much life and energy escaped you?

“You know where I’ve been. September.”

“Yeah,” you answer, mouth dry. His eyes pierce through you, and you can’t find it in you to look away no matter how much you need to.

There’s a bitter smile on his lips, like an unspoken apology. “Kise has a way of roping me into doing things that I… don’t really want. But you know I was in a bad place. I wanted to forget the truth.”

“I understand,” you answer again, more robotic than genuine. Your mind is reeling yet still. This is happening. Who knows what’s going to happen to you. Maybe he’ll have the divorce papers ready by tomorrow. He’ll tell you you need to pack up.

You’re leaving him.

“Kise invites me to the places he frequents for drinks—or more. You know him. He insists that he knows some people that might help take my mind off of things.”

You’re silent. Does he really need to tell you all this? Couldn’t he just leave it at that and tell you to go? The couch and the floor it stands on suddenly doesn’t seem so stable. Kasamatsu looks down at his hands, clearly trying to get a bearing of himself, and you take the chance, praying your voice won’t come out shaky.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to tell me,” you say. You can do this. The faster you get over this, the better. He doesn’t have to see you cry. “I’m okay with whatever you do from here on out, though I’m more concerned about your father. I can help you with the divorce lawyer—”

“—but you don’t understand, ____________, I’m married to that someone.”

A hand cups your cheek and your mind turns blank, like a film reel cut short. He looks down at your knees, swallowing, his other hand clenching and unclenching. He chastises himself for being reduced into a mess, but there’s no time to stop.

“You’re glowing. All the time, around the house, like a fireball. I thought I was going to live in a cold apartment for the rest of my life. After the wedding, you made me laugh for the first time in months. You roped me into tickle fights. You somehow made me want to make breakfast for you. You’re impossible to defy. Every night we sleep on the same bed, I have a growing urge to take you into my arms and hug you.” He chuckles, the refreshing sound breaking his stream of words. “And to think it started with me wondering how it feels to have you sleep against my chest.”

“Kasamatsu—”

He has a thumb on your lips, caressing so gently it makes you want to cry. Your eyes water, tears threatening to spill down your cheeks.

“Don’t call me that. Call me like we’re in public.”

“…Yukio.”

“Louder.”

“Yukio.”

“Tell me the things you tell people when we’re in public.”

“I’m happy with Yukio.”

“Tell me more.”

“I… love Yukio.”

He presses a kiss on your temple and you sob, cupping your mouth.

“Tell me more,” he repeats, softer this time.

“I love you, Yukio.”

His lips meet yours and you see stars behind your closed eyelids, the salt from your tears barely registering. Kasamatsu’s hand snakes to cup the back of your head, urging you gently to take more of him. You sigh, and he takes his chance. Warmth slips into your mouth and you moan at the taste of him, something you’ve only been able to long for, your fingers running up his sculpted chest. The two of you part for air, and even then, his lips still hover over yours, hot breath tingling your skin.

“I love you, too.”

#kasamatsu #kasamatsu yukio #kasamatsu x reader #knb #kuroko no basket #ourneverendingpossibilities #vball-baes-bball-babes #writing #sfw #semi-nsfw #reader insert #gender neutral #imagine #imagines #scenario #scenarios

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losingtothejellybeans · 5 years

Text

The Trixie Issue:

So Trixie is now back and by the looks of things is here to stay.

For me Trixie is interesting because in some programmes she would have been an antagonistic character, and I know I’m not unique in this observation.

She’s blonde, fashionable, and isn’t afraid to admit she enjoys the finer things in life. When CTM first started she also seemed far more “worldly” than the other young midwives, not shy of interaction with men, and the most established midwife of the group of “girls”. Throughout she’s always been the one that goes on dates, has a trendy wardrobe and could make adult drinks. She was like a a cool older big sister.

It would have been so easy to have set her up as self absorbed, prissy or cold with patients. And it’s been explored how women like her are often approached, how men think they can treat her or how it’s possible to like being fashionable but still be grounded. We’ve seen how she’s struggled with her family in her past and with relationships and dependancy in more recent times, and how her presented personality can be intertwined with those issues. She’s had several meaningful and complex storylines over the entire programs history.

But what about Trixie now?

As realistic as it might potentially be as a plot it’s not that interesting to see her relapse, especially as it’s happened before in the storyline. Although she’s presumably supposed to have reached a more even keel in her life it’s been established that too much pressure is no longer good for her. And this is a problem with her previously implied future developments and character purpose.

She’s shown interest in being a more senior or nursing sister/professionally developing. But this has fallen along the way of her romance/relapse lines. When she was once at risk of being in serious trouble for having drunk alcohol and when she’s already been overwhelmed several times, would she still be interested in putting herself in a vulnerable/stressful position?

One thing that has been lamented by fans is how some characters seemingly get cut short when there is more story potential, although they most often get a suitable ending. Lots of us wanted more development on Sister Winnifred, but I’m happy to see that her leaving is in character. We knew that midwifery wasn’t exactly her comfort zone and that she enjoyed teaching so presumably she will be happy at the motherhouse orphanage.

No character has really outstayed their welcome and when someone has left it’s normally because of their life outside of CTM.

From my perspective characters so far have to either be there to enable a certain overarching personal storyline, or to interact with the issue of the episode. And with the latter it’s because of a trait, characteristic or their role.

Trixie has had several personal storylines, and whilst substance dependancy doesn’t magically resolve and does impact people’s lives for years as a plot point there are only so many times it’s interesting to watch her have romance/relapse. But there doesn’t seem to be any move to getting her to move into another role. The role of Experienced Midwife is occupied by Phyllis. She isn’t local like Val. She doesn’t have a family or partner to balance work with. She isn’t an “outsider” in the same way as Lucille is, or is a non medical character like Fred. She doesn’t bring an different angle like one of the nuns can. She could be the “posh” one but she’s already been shown to be willing to muck in, and it feels like something that’s already been covered several times, especially with Chummy. She’s too established for a “posh culture shock” bit.

I do wonder if because of the actresses personal life combined with the rush of multiple new characters mean that she might actually leave part way into the series.

So what do I think could be done?

Have her be the new Delia, in the sense that she’s still a nurse but perhaps not a midwife, or maybe she moves to a hospital. Maybe she decides that she wants to give adult nursing a go, or responds to the increasing demand in hospitals. This would give us the chance to see different stories and contrast hospitals vs home healthcare.

Give her a hobby or something to do, even if it’s moving her to a light relief character.

Have her get together with someone and show a slightly more realistic for the period working married life dynamic, something missing now the Nokes are gone and something there never really was a chance for with Tom and Barbara (still sad!). Not sure if that someone should be Christopher though.

Or finally simply move her character onwards. It wouldn’t be the first time that a character with more “potential” was simply written out. Her Aunt abroad could be in poor health and needs her. She could decide that Poplar has too many bad memories and she needs to move on.

Just please don’t waste the time with a repetitive storyline and a character that once had so much potential.

#call the midwife #ctm #call the midwife s8 #long post

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digitalmarketingblogsuk · 3 years

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How about we Fight Back Against Negative SEO?

The presentation of Google's Penguin update had one basic point: improve the nature of the SERPs. While Panda zeroed in on rebuffing meager content, Penguin took action against connect conspire eshate clauses and made site authority undeniably more significant while figuring PageRank and in general worth. One heartbreaking outcome of this adjustment of positioning approach was the observable expansion in adverse SEO, a strategy which has encountered reestablished fame (both as an idea and a veritable danger) of late. Because of this flood, site proprietors and SEOs currently face a genuine danger to their hard-earned Google rankings.

The Mechanics of Negative SEO

Prior to setting out on any conversation of negative SEO and its outcomes, it's ideal to begin without any preparation and characterize the idea in clear, unambiguous terms. At the point when Google's calculations investigate and assess any site, they see which locales are connecting to it. As you're likely effectively mindful, rankings are to a great extent dictated by the connection juice of inbound connections. As such, a connection passes a portion of the PageRank worth of digital marketing agency london starting point page to its objective. Yet, imagine a scenario in which that worth is determined as being negative.

Regardless of whether it's an excess of accurate match anchor text, such a large number of connections from nasty pages, or a blend of the two, the Penguin calculation means to punish locales who've been engaged with obscure connection rehearses. Thus, in principle, on the off chance that you needed to hurt another site's rankings, you could do exactly that by connecting to it's anything but a ton of destinations with low worth.

Significantly more frustratingly – as I was as of late reminded – it's truly simple to reevaluate a negative SEO assault on another site. For example, one could go to destinations like Fiverr or elance to employ a computerized hired gunman. The essential thought is that somebody would develop as numerous malicious, unnatural connections as conceivable to their objective of decision. Whenever they've wiped out the opposition, they can move into the top space for their ideal keywords. Unfortunately, some modest website admins who are the casualties of such missions would have no clue about what's going when their webpage's rankings drop.

Who's Most Vulnerable?

Sites with better-than-expected connection authority and PageRank are more averse to be influenced by bad SEO assaults. While Penguin made it simpler to utilize the training for evil methods, the study of positioning sites is still colossally mind boggling. A ton goes into the equation, including content, keywords, semantics, stay time and significantly more. It's harder to hurt the standing of destinations with a wide channel of unrivaled content and a develop organization of great inbound connections. In this manner, enormous sites like the Huffington Post will not feel the sting of negative SEO like their more modest rivals would.

Unfortunately, it's the destinations at the lower part of the command hierarchy attempting to climb their way up that are generally helpless. A negative SEO mission could unleash ruin on genuinely youthful sites that need huge documents of content or a decent number of definitive inbound connections. More current sites need to work the hardest for their spots and ordinarily don't have as numerous great connects to exceed the awful; thus, battling up-and-comers should be wary, as they can't stand to have their endeavors crashed by regrettable SEO. Taking into account what amount is on the line, it's flighty to disregard the perils presented by adverse SEO, which is a contributor to the issue. The individuals who are most in danger are individuals who are less inclined to know, or even give it a second thought, what negative SEO is or does.

Supporting the Defenses

To make your site as impenetrable to negative SEO endeavors as could really be expected, you'll need regardless the rudiments and move gradually up. First of all, play out an exhaustive review of your inbound connections and ensure that they're important and utilize suitable anchor text. You'll likewise need to take care to try not to get carried away with accurate match anchor text, as Penguin will in general punish such connections. Furthermore, utilizing third party referencing strategies like visitor writing for a blog to make backlinks to your pages from high-esteem destinations is an extraordinary technique for passing on powerful connection juice (as long as you do it appropriately).

In the period of Penguin, excellent connections are surely the greatest factor in reinforcing site authority, and creating traffic. More significant is the quality content that will urge different destinations to connection to yours naturally in any case. Recollect that SEO, similar to financial aspects, is certifiably not a lose-lose situation.

By making the most ground breaking, top notch content conceivable, you'll draw in quality connections from quality locales, regardless of whether they're rivaling you in a similar specialty. Disregard zeroing in exclusively on transient gains and put your time in accomplishing the objective of getting all around regarded in your field of ability. On the other hand, take a restricting perspective and make a total annoyance of yourself by exasperating individuals with your sentiments – in any case, the point is to get them to pay heed and connection to you!

Read Also: 10 Common SEO Myths you need to Get Out of your System

Hitting Back

On the off chance that you believe you're getting spammed with terrible connections by a SEO professional killer, you can get proactive and assume control over issue to stem the tide of below average connection juice. To begin with, you'll need to decide if you're being focused on. Truly, the cycle is somewhat included. In any case, by utilizing a mix of Open Site Explorer, Google Webmaster Tools and connection evacuation utilities.

So, the interaction is as per the following:

1. Incorporate incredible connections into your site. A greater amount of these you have, the more outlandish a negative SEO endeavor will hurt you.

2. Watch out for your investigation and website admin devices. On the off chance that you see traffic coming from any semblance of Fiverr, or references from destinations that you know shouldn't connect you, explore the reason. I was sufficiently fortunate to have the option to follow a negative SEO endeavor directly from the beginning since I intently watch where my traffic comes from – I prompt you do likewise.

3. In the event that you believe you're being assaulted, track things intently. It'll take some time for the connections to show up in Open Site Explorer and Webmaster Tools however as they do utilize SEO Gadget's connection evacuation instrument to track down the most hazardous connections and attempt to have them eliminated. This includes messaging the proprietors of the destinations that have connected to you and, in my experience, is hard going. Reaction rates are somewhere near the 20% imprint yet every last makes a difference.

4. Remember about Bing's deny apparatus.

5. Keep a bookkeeping page of the connections that have been worked without your consent and present a reinclusion solicitation to Google with a clarification of what's been happening. I do this regardless of whether rankings haven't been influenced it's smarter to appropriate than respond.

The Future of Negative SEO

Google has been ordinarily mum on the effect of negative SEO and the amount it factors into the condition. That is not especially stunning, since their precise calculation plans are strictly confidential mysteries, in spite of the fact that there has been an unpretentious rephrasing of their rules in the course of the most recent couple of months which have practically affirmed that negative SEO is conceivable.

There's some discussion of adding a connection repudiation highlight, for example, the Disavow Links utility found in Bing Webmaster Tools, and digital marketing agency leeds will likely show up in the following not many months. The idea of negative SEO has been around for quite a while, and it presumably will not disappear any time soon. In any case, you can anticipate that Google should keep on tweaking its calculations to invalidate the endeavors of negative SEO professionals around the web.

The Real Deal

How much adverse SEO campaigns represent a danger is the subject of some discussion. Actually most website admins will not actually need to stress over it. All things considered, it never damages to decide in favor alert and get your work done to decide if you're targeted of somebody who's hoping to bring your site down a notch. Stay careful and make a move when it's required, yet don't invest an excess of energy stressing it's smarter to simply continue ahead with the more certain sides of SEO!

#Negative SEO #SEO #SEO campaigns #Google #digitalmarketing

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mrsspidermanmaryjanewatsonparker · 6 years

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Can we also please kill the lie that OMD and Sins Past means J. Michael Straczynski run is worse Slott’s?

Can we also please kill the lie that J. Michael Straczynski run is worse Slott’s because of Sins Past and OMD?

Because it’s objectively not true.

I’ve already addressed how it’s really not fair to blame OMD on JMS because it was more Quesada’s story than his.

Sins Past on the flipside is a story that yes JMS SHOULD be blamed for and has major problems but probably not in the ways you think. And as bad as it is there are Slott stories that match or exceed how bad it is and deal as much if not more damage to the Spider-Verse than it.

Let’s first contextualize some things. Sins Past was a story that like OMD had editorial interference. As intended by JMS he wanted the Stacy twins to be the children of PETER and Gwen not NORMAN and Gwen. Much like his original resolution to OMD editorial stepped in and wound up playing damage control, one of the few times I will thank Quesada.

At the same time (unless I am mistaken) editorial also SUGGESTED that Norman be used as a substitute for Peter as opposed to just telling JMS he couldn’t do a story about Gwen’s secret pregnancy.

Then again JMS and editorial figured it wouldn’t matter because even way back in 2004 when Sins Past was being published they knew they were going to do SOMETHING to cosmically retcon Spider-Man’s history and thereby erase the marriage. JMS wrote Sins Past with the presumption that he was going to be able to erase it from existence when all was said and done. This was part of his anger when OMD happened the way it did.

But hey, this doesn’t exactly redeem the story JMS actually wrote right?

It’s still got a lot of problems and is still the worst story under his run that he is genuinely to blame for.

And what are the ways in which the story is bad?

Well:

It turns Peter and Gwen’s relationship into a big fat lie because Peter never knew the ‘real Gwen’. She was lying to him and realistically not going to be acting the way she normally would because she was both pregnant, lying about it and naturally worried. And after the pregnancy she was now a parent which naturally changes your outlook on life…oh and she was still lying about their existence. Peter’s relationship with Gwen was formed during two big extenuating circumstances during which Gwen was unlikely to think, feel or act in ways she ever had before or probably ever would again.

By extension of Gwen’s pregnancy and parenthood now retroactively dominating most of her canonical history WE the audience never really got as good of a picture of who Gwen was a person before she was thrown into this exceptional situation. Which is on the one hand okay because you can say that of countless characters, the problem being that with Gwen the original intention was for that to NOT be the case. Instead of now knowing who Gwen is and how she’d act under certain situations we now only know those things within the context of when she was pregnant/had recently had children and was lying and stressed out over it

Gwen’s pregnancy makes no sense. You have to get ridiculously loose with the actual amount of time that events are supposed to unfold across including when exactly Gwen gave birth. Moreover we were privy to Gwen’s inner thoughts multiple times across her history and got exactly zero indicators that she was dealing with a stressful pregnancy.

This goes well beyond MJ retroactively knowing about Peter’s identity. We didn’t get as good of a look into MJ’s head during the Silver (or even bronze) age and MJ had at least plausible grounds to deny and suppress the truth to herself. If Gwen was fucking PREGNANT that isn’t something that you could as easily say ‘oh she was just suppressing that it was happening behind the scenes’. Not with the degree of access we had to her private life.

More egregiously though Gwen was clearly NOT pregnant. Look at any given image of her from the period she was allegedly pregnant and she is very obviously not showing. Sure, some women do not show when pregnant as a quirk of their or their child’s metabolisms. But they do when it’s fucking TWINS.

The retcon in one way makes Gwen stronger and more admirable as a character for dealing with this huge burden on her own but it also makes her as a person look really, really bad. I’m not talking about sleeping with Norman, or lying about that. I’m talking about expecting Peter to be a father to her children. Okay, maybe that one is forgivable. She’s a young kid in a big stressful situation she is not prepared for at all. But even if you run with that idea…why does she abandon her kids by returning to the United States without them and even risk her own life by going to the fucking SAVAGE LAND when she has two babies in another country relying upon her to return for them?

It gets worse when you consider she had multiple clones all with her memories who also never mentioned or seemed to give a single shit about their CHILDREN. Some of those clones matured further into adulthood than Gwen so there is really no excuse. Even if they argue that those children are not theirs because they’re just clones of their mother, fucking TRY to help them and check up on them. They’re goddam babies!

The story makes no sense for Mary Jane, undermines her relationship with Peter and makes her look really, really bad as well.

Whilst forgivable it is somewhat undermining to Peter and MJ’s relationship that MJ would spend years lying to Peter about Gwen and Norman’s affair and her pregnancy. Although it does speak volumes that Peter forgives her for it relatively quickly.

What’s more irksome about the story is the implication that MJ wonders if Peter loves Gwen more than her when he doesn’t and she does know that. But okay, you can No Prize that one.

What’s NOT forgivable though is how MJ apparently never told ANYONE about this situation. Not Peter, Ben Reilly, Gwen’s clones, Gwen’s extended family whom she was friends with, the police, child services, NOBODY.

Basically MJ in spite of knowing that there were two children out there in another country who were now orphans didn’t even try to look in on them or put someone else onto doing that.

She just ignored them. In doing so she condemned them to be raised by their abusive father Norman Osborn. MJ didn’t even tell her best friend Jill Stacy about Gwen’s children when Norman revealed he was still alive in the 90s. Wouldn’t she have PRESUMED Norman would have found those kids?

MJ let two innocent children out to dry because of this retcon.

The story straight up rewrites history because it takes panels from ASM #121 and depicts them with different dialogue and body language that never happened but needs to exist to facilitate the retcons

The story does not adequately justify Gwen’s attraction towards Norman or even explain when exactly it happened

And yet in spite of all this you know Sins Past up until the big reveal was actually a really, really good story. The mystery was gripping and the subject matter highly appropriate to Spider-Man. Mostly good dialogue as always by JMS and beautiful artwork by Deodato Junior.

Those are the big problems with Sins Past. Notice something? I didn’t mention Gwen and Norman sleeping together or Gwen cheating on Peter.

Wanna know why?

Because they’re not what’s wrong with the story.

Gwen was established as being attracted to older men way back in the 1990s and it is far from unrealistic for her and Norman to make a mutual mistake and sleep together.

It’s pure soap opera and that’s very much in line with Spider-Man. It isn’t spinning the relationship positively and encouraging other 19 year olds to sleep with men old enough to be their fathers who are also actual friends of their father and also the parent of one of their friends whom they had dated recently. The opposite is true if anything considering how Norman is clearly framed as utterly evil and despicable and Gwen as someone who made a big, stupid but common and human mistake.

As for Gwen cheating on Peter I guess that depends upon your definition of cheating but by my standing that would require her and Peter to actually BE in a relationship of some kind.

At the time Gwen canonically is supposed to have slept with Norman they were not. They’d been on one or two dates and that was it. They were not a couple and were not going steady or serious about one another at all. Peter was in love with her but he wasn’t in a serious relationship with her.

So Gwen wasn’t cheating on anyone.

Also across the years I’ve not really liked how Gwen is the one who’s demonized for the ‘affair’ with Norman.

Like…she was literally 18 or 19 years old at the time the story happens, 20 at a push.

Why the fuck is SHE the one who gets blasted for sleeping with Norman when he’s the grown ass man in the situation. Shouldn’t it be HIS responsibility to NOT sleep with the girl young enough to be his daughter, is the literal daughter of one of the people from his social circles and close friend of his son’s?

I know, I know…he’s evil.

But just because one person is evil in this situation doesn’t therefore make the blame attributable to the other non-evil person there.

Sins Past is bad because it’s retcon doesn’t make sense and equally importantly is damaging to the characters and narrative. NOT because it features a young girl sleeping with an older man after being on 2 dates with another man.

Here is the thing though, it was ignored pretty much immediately and so aggressively makes no sense and just does not fit into the canon at all that it’s actually not that hard to simply ignore.

It does NEED to be retconned out don’t get me wrong, but you can sort of cordon off the story and then continue reading with little difficulty.

The same cannot be said for Slott’s run.

Here is a BRIEF list of the crap Slott has pulled:

· Portraying Doctor Octopus as a rapist

· Presenting Peter as a manchild who is mentally 15

· Having Peter interfere illegal in the affairs of foreign countries

· Removing Norman Osborn’s powers

· Killing off Doc Ock, making multiple Doc Ock clones and then making one of those an alt-right allegory in league with effective Nazis, HYDRA

· Having Mary Jane victim blame Spider-Man by breaking up with him (when they were not together) after he was abused by Doc Ock in Superior

· Portraying Otto as BETTER than Peter during Superior

· Implying Peter was willing to endanger a child’s life for his own sake when he made Doc Ock’s hand shake during surgery in Superior #8

· Killing off MC2 Peter Parker and thereby invalidating the entire point of Mayday Parker as a character. She is driven by being the daughter of Spider-Man and her relationship with her father. See also removing her iconic costume

· Making Ben Reilly into a straight up asshole villain

· Retconning the death of Gwen Stacy so that Gwen died hating Peter Parker and was conscious when her death came

· Killing off Ashley Kafka AFTER portraying her as believing a villain was irredeemable. For context Kafka believed CARNAGE was redeemable!

· Wasting the 50th anniversary of Spider-Man on a worthless character like Alpha solely to launch a spin-off mini-series

· Destroying Peter Parker’s everyman status by making him an internationally famous rich guy in charge of the world’s biggest tech conglomerate

· Shipping him with Mockingbird in direct opposition to both characters’ established characterizations

· Introducing Silk who despite zero combat experience was better at superheroing than Spider-Man himself oh and also had the power to compel Spider-Man to sleep with her against his will...which would be yet more rape

· Ignoring Black Cat’s history by pretending she had a secret identity (she didn’t) and then making her into a murderous psycho crime lord for irrational reasons even though she’s supposed to be morally grey

· Frequently portraying Spider-Man as secondary in his own title and requiring help from guest stars and team up characters

· Portraying MJ as weak willed, stupid, shallow, and passive even though she’s absolutely none of those fucking things

· Presenting Silver Sable as an school girl with the hots for Spider-Man, again against her characterization and ruining the unique professional relationship they shared

· Ruining the unique character of Phil Urich by just turning him into ANOTHER cackling Goblin villain

· Doing a story about Betty Brant being assaulted wherein Spider-Man decides to let the criminal go because Aunt May guilt tripped him. How did she guilt trip him? By claiming he was irresponsible when at age 15 he wasn’t there to comfort her, a 50-60 year old woman the night uncle Ben died

· Portraying EVERY character as unrealistically idiotic in Superior Spider-Man in order to ensure that the Doc Ock could remain Spider-Man

Now...tell me again how JMS is worse?

#j. michael straczynski #Dan Slott #Spider-Man #Peter Parker #Gwen Stacy #Norman Osborn #Green Goblin #The Green Goblin #Doc Ock #Doctor Octopus #superior spider-man #The Superior Spider-Man #otto octavius #Black Cat #felicia hardy #mjwatsonedit #MJ Watson #mary jane watson #Mary Jane Watson Parker

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vatsal1804 · 3 years

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How Science is Revolutionizing the World of Dog Training

It was about a month into raising a new border collie puppy, Alsea, when I came to an embarrassing realization: my dog had yet to meet a person who doesn’t look like me.

I’d read several books on raising a dog, and they all agree on at least one thing: proper socialization of a puppy, especially during the critical period from eight to 20 weeks, means introducing her to as many people as I possibly could. Not just people, but diverse people: people with beards and sunglasses; people wearing fedoras and sombreros; people jogging; people in Halloween costumes. And, critically, people of different ethnicities. Fail to do this, and your dog may inexplicably bark at people wearing straw hats or big sunglasses.

This emphasis on socialization is an important element of a new approach to raising the modern dog. It eschews the old, dominating, Cesar Millan–style methods that were based on flawed studies of presumed hierarchies in wolf packs. Those methods made sense when I raised my last dog, Chica, in the early aughts. I read classic dominance-oriented books by the renowned upstate New York trainers The Monks of New Skete, among others, to teach her I was the leader of her pack, even when that meant stern corrections, like shaking her by the scruff of the neck. Chica was a well-behaved dog, but she was easily discouraged when I tried teaching her something new.

I don’t mean to suggest I had no better option; there was then a growing movement to teach dog owners all about early socialization and the value of rewards-based training, and plenty of trainers who employed only positive reinforcement. But in those days, the approach was the subject of debate and derision: treat-trained mongers might do what you want if they know a biscuit is hidden in your palm, but they’d ignore you otherwise. I proudly taught my dog tough love.

This time, with the assistance of a new class of trainers and scientists, I’ve changed my methods entirely, and I have been shocked to discover booming product lines of puzzles, entertaining toys, workshops and “canine enrichment” resources available to the modern dog “parent,” which has helped boost the U.S. pet industry to $86 billion in annual sales. Choke collars, shock collars, even the word no are all-but-verboten. It’s a new day in dog training.

The science upon which these new techniques are based is not exactly new: it’s rooted in learning theory and operant conditioning, which involves positive (the addition of) or negative (the withdrawal of) reinforcement. It also includes the flipside: positive or negative punishment. A brief primer: Petting a dog on the head for fetching the newspaper is positive reinforcement, because you’re taking an action (positive) to encourage (reinforce) a behavior. Scolding a dog to stop an unwanted behavior is positive punishment, because it’s an action to discourage a behavior. A choke collar whose tension is released when the dog stops pulling on it is negative reinforcement, because the dog’s desirable behavior (backing off) results in the removal of an undesirable consequence. Taking away a dog’s frisbee because he’s barking at it is negative punishment, because you’ve withdrawn a stimulus to decrease an unwanted behavior.

Much has changed about the way that science is applied today. As canine training has shifted from the old obedience-driven model directed at show dogs to a more relationship-based approach aimed at companion dogs, trainers have discovered that the use of negative reinforcement and positive punishment actually slow a dog’s progress, because they damage its confidence and, more importantly, its relationship with a handler. Dogs that receive too much correction—especially the harsh physical correction and mean-spirited “Bad dog!” scoldings—begin to retreat from trying new things.

These new methods are backed by a growing body of science—and a rejection of the old thinking, of wolves (and their descendants, dogs) as dominance-oriented creatures. The origin of so-called “alpha theory” comes from a scientist named Rudolph Schenkel, who conducted a study of wolves in 1947 in which animals from different packs were forced into a small enclosure with no prior interaction. They fought, naturally, which Schenkel wrongly interpreted as a battle for dominance. The reality, Schenkel was later forced to admit, was that the wolves were stressed, not striving for alpha status.

A study from Portugal published last fall in the pre-print digital database BioRxiv (meaning it is not yet peer-reviewed) evaluated dozens of dogs selected from schools that either employed the use of shock collars, leash corrections and other aversive techniques or didn’t—sticking entirely or almost entirely to the use of positive reinforcement (treats) to get the behavior they wanted. Dogs from the positive schools universally performed better at tasks the researchers put in front of them, and the dogs from aversive schools displayed considerably more stress, both in observable ways—licking, yawning, pacing, whining—and in cortisol levels measured in saliva swabs.

These new findings are especially relevant this year. Dog adoption in the COVID-19 era has ballooned, arguably because isolated Americans are newly in search of companionship and because working from home makes at least the idea of raising a puppy feasible. Before the pandemic, it was young city dwellers driving the boom in demand for and supply of dog trainers who employ positive methods, and an explosion in the proliferation of professional trainers across the globe. Often because they’ve delayed or decided against having children, millennials and Generation Z are spending lavish amounts of money on pets: toys, food, puzzles, fancy harnesses, rain jackets, life jackets and training. And those professional trainers, from the Guide Dogs for the Blind organization to renowned handler Denise Fenzi, have formed a legion of experimenters. They universally report that the less negativity they use in training, the more quickly their dogs learn.

Over the past 15 years, handlers with Guide Dogs for the Blind, which trains dogs to be aides for sight-impaired people, have extinguished nearly all negative training techniques and with dramatic results. A new dog can now be ready to guide its owner in half the time it once took, and they can remain with an owner for an extra year or two, because they’re so much less stressed out by the job, says Susan Armstrong, the organization’s vice president of client, training and veterinary operations. Even bomb-sniffing and military dogs are seeing more positive reinforcement, which is why you might have noticed that working dogs in even the most serious environments (like airports) seem to be enjoying their jobs more than in the past. “I don’t think you’re imagining that,” Armstrong says. “These dogs love working. They love getting rewards for good behavior. It’s serious, but it can be fun.”

Susan Friedman, a psychology professor at Utah State University, entered the dog-training world after a 20-year career in special education, a field in which she has a doctorate. In the late 1990s, she adopted a parrot, and was shocked to discover that most of the available advice she could find about raising a well-mannered bird involved only harsh corrections: If it bites, abruptly drop the bird on the floor. If it makes too much noise, shroud the cage in complete darkness. If it tries to escape, clip the bird’s flight feathers. Friedman applied her own research and experience to her parrot training, and discovered it all comes down to behavior. “No species on the planet behaves for no reason,” she says. “What’s the function of a parrot biting your hand? Why might a child throw down at the toy aisle? What’s the purpose of the behavior, and how does it open the environment to rewards and also to aversive stimuli?”

Friedman’s early articles about positive-reinforcement animal training met a skeptical audience back in the early aughts. Now, thanks to what she calls a “groundswell from animal trainers” newly concerned about the ethics of animal raising, Friedman is summoned to consult at zoos and aquariums around the world. She emphasizes understanding how a better analysis of an animal’s needs might help trainers punish them less. Last year, she produced a poster called the “hierarchy roadmap” designed to help owners identify underlying causes and conditions of behavior, and address the most likely influencers—illness, for example—before moving on to other assumptions. That’s not to suggest old-school dog trainers might ignore an illness, but they might be too quick to move to punishment before considering causes of unwanted behavior that could be addressed with less-invasive techniques.

The field is changing rapidly, Friedman says. Even in the last year, trainers have discovered new ways to replace an aversive technique with a win: if a dog scratches (instead of politely sitting) at the door to be let out, many trainers would have in recent years advised owners to ignore the scratching so as not to reward the behavior. They would hope for “extinction,” for the dog to eventually stop doing the bad thing that results in no reward. But that’s an inherently negative approach. What if it could be replaced with something positive? Now, most trainers would now recommend redirecting the scratching dog to a better behavior, a come or a sit, rewarded with a treat. The bad behavior not only goes extinct, but the dog learns a better behavior at the same time.

The debate is not entirely quashed. Mark Hines, a trainer with the pet products company Kong who works with dogs across the country, says that while positive reinforcement certainly helps dogs acquire knowledge at the fastest rate, there’s still a feeling among trainers of military and police dogs that some correction is required to get an animal ready for service. “Leash corrections and pinch collars are science-based, as well,” Hines says. “Positive punishment is a part of science.”

The key, Hines says, is to avoid harsh and unnecessary kinds of positive punishment, so as not to damage the relationship between handler and dog. Dogs too often rebuked will steadily narrow the range of things they try, because they figure naturally that might reduce the chance they get yelled at.

The Cesar Millans of the world are not disappearing. But the all- or mostly positive camp is growing faster. Hundreds of trainers attend “Clicker Expos,” an annual event put on in various cities by one of the most prominent positivity-based dog-training institutions in the world, the Karen Pryor Academy in Waltham, Mass. And Fenzi, another of the world’s most successful trainers, teaches her positive-reinforcement techniques online to no less than 10,000 students each term.

While there is some lingering argument about how much positivity vs. negativity to introduce into a training regimen, there’s next to zero debate about what may be the most important component of raising a new dog: socialization. Most trainers now teach dog owners about the period between eight and 20 weeks in which it is vital to introduce a dog to all kinds of sights and sounds they may encounter in later life. Most “bad” behavior is really the product of poor early socialization. For two months, I took Alsea to weekly “puppy socials” at Portland’s Doggy Business, where experienced handlers monitor puppies as they interact and play with one another in a romper room filled with ladders and hula hoops and children’s playhouses, strange surfaces that they might otherwise develop fear about encountering. Such classes didn’t exist until a few years ago.

A vizsla puppy at a dog training class at Doggy Business in Portland, Oregon, on Jun. 4. Holly Andres for TIME

I also took Alsea to dog-training classes, at a different company, Wonder Puppy. At the first session, trainer Kira Moyer reminded her human students that the most important thing we need to do for our dogs is advocate, which is also based in a renewed appreciation of science. Instead of correcting your dog for whining, for example, stop for a moment and think about why that’s happening? What do they want? Can you give that to them, or give them an opportunity to earn the thing they want, and learn good behavior at the same time?

Enrichment is another booming area of the dog-training world. I didn’t feed Alsea out of a regular dog bowl for the first six months she’s been with me, because it was so much more mentally stimulating for her to eat from a food puzzle, a device that makes it just a little bit challenging for an animal to acquire breakfast. These can be as simple as a round plastic plate with kibble dispersed between a set of ridges that have to be navigated, or as complex as the suite of puzzles developed by Swedish entrepreneur Nina Ottosson. At the highest level, a dog might have to move a block, flip the lid up, remove a barrier or spin a wheel to earn food. Another common source of what we consider “bad” behavior in dogs is really just an expression of boredom, of a dog that needs a job and has decided to give himself one: digging through the garbage, barking at the mail carrier. Food puzzles make dinnertime a job. When Ottosson first started, “they called me ‘the crazy dog lady.’ Nobody believed dogs would eat food out of a puzzle,” she says. “Today, nobody calls me that.”

When Alsea was 4 months old (she’s 12 months now), I traveled south of Portland to Oregon’s Willamette Valley to introduce her to Ian Caldicott, a farmer who teaches dogs and handlers how to herd sheep. First we watched one of his students working her own dog. As the border collie made mistakes, the tension in her owner’s voice escalated and her corrections grew increasingly harsh. “Just turn your back and listen,” Caldicott said to me. “You can hear the panic in her voice creeping in.”

Dogs are smart and can read that insecurity. It makes them question their faith in the handler and, in some cases, decide they know better. Raising a good sheepdog is about building trust between the dog and the handler, Caldicott says. That does require some correction—a “Hey!” when the dog goes left instead of right, at times—but what’s most important is confidence, both in the dog and the handler. In the old days, sheepdogs were taught left and right with physical coercion. Now, they’re given just enough guidance to figure out the right track by themselves. “We’re trying to get an animal that thinks for itself. A good herding dog thinks he knows better than you. Your job is to teach him you’re worth listening to,” Caldicott says. “The ones born thinking they’re the king of the universe, all you have to do is not take that away.”

Learn More Here: https://bit.ly/3jEFySe

#dogtraining #dogoftheday #dogscience #dog photos #dogtraining101 #dogtrainers #dogtrainingadvice

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webmarket01 · 4 years

Text

we got weight loss tips for Women’s History Month, interviewer thought I was lying, and more

New Post has been published on https://weightlosshtiw.com/we-got-weight-loss-tips-for-womens-history-month-interviewer-thought-i-was-lying-and-more/

we got weight loss tips for Women’s History Month, interviewer thought I was lying, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. We got weight loss tips for Women’s History Month

This happened months ago but it’s still bugging me. I work for a large corporation that promotes diversity in the workplace. In celebration of Women’s History Month, we received an email with info on women’s health issues .. with tips like maintain a healthy weight, lose weight, having a thick waist ups your risk of stroke, consume less sugar and fat, and don’t smoke. There’s also information that women are more likely to experience urinary tract problems due to the way the female urinary tract is structured.

Am I wrong in thinking … WTF??? I can’t recall ever seeing an email with info about my male coworker’s urinary tract. Or suggestions that my male coworkers lose weight, eat less sugar, etc. How does this celebrate diversity? This whole thing feels really tone-deaf. I want to say something, but then I stop and ask if I’m overreacting. I need perspective, please.

You are not overreacting. Observing Women’s History Month by talking about diet and weight (and urinary tracts — WTF?) is bizarre and frankly kind of insulting. They would have been better off doing nothing! How about donating to a women-focused charity, seeking out women-owned businesses for your vendors, sending women on staff to leadership events, doing a pay equity analysis and releasing the info, and/or designing and implementing family-friendly policies around things like flex time and parental leave? “Eat less fat” isn’t it.

2. I think my interviewer thought I was lying about my degree

I had a very bad interview experience the other day. I am currently seeking a better opportunity for myself while working from home. I’m in my late 20s and I have been at my current job for two years. Unfortunately, the money isn’t good and I don’t enjoy the job either. The good news is that I just completed my second bachelor’s in business administration in May. Previously I received my B.A. in psychology. When I was updating my resume, I only included my business degree.

This brings me to the awkward moment of my interview call. I have been having severe connection issues during the entire period that I have been working from home. I was on a phone screen with a recruiter at a company in my industry. We seemed to be having a great call. She made a comment that my work history was very diverse and so I told her that my degree was in psychology and I worked at a shelter but didn’t feel it was my calling. Then there was this absolute silence (from her being confused about my major) and we lost the connection. I tried calling her back but it said “call failed.” About one hour later, the internet was restored and I opened my email only to find a rejection letter.

Because second degrees are a bit rare, I’m sure she thought I was lying about my background and presumed I hung up after realizing I was caught up in a lie. The rejection email said I don’t have the “qualifications and background needed,” which is not true. I haven’t sent her a follow-up or thank-you email but now I am wondering if I should reach out and explain the situation. Would you recommend I reach out to her and explain?

Yes. It might not change her decision, but you have nothing to lose by trying. I would say, “Thank you so much for your time talking with me. Our call was disconnected while we were still speaking — my service went down for an hour at the worst possible time! — so I didn’t get a chance to explain that while my resume lists my recent business degree, it doesn’t list my earlier bachelor’s degree in psychology from NYU (received in 2007). I think I may have introduced some confusion by referencing the psychology degree without explaining it’s not on my resume — and then we got cut off before I could. I realize you likely have many qualified candidates, but if this affects your assessment of my qualifications, I’d love to keep talking. If not, I wish you all the best in filling the role and with the work you’re doing. I appreciate your time!”

For what it’s worth, it’s possible that she didn’t think you were lying but tried to call you back, couldn’t reach you, rejected you for other reasons, and moved on. It’s still worth clarifying — it won’t hurt and could help — but I wouldn’t assume your interpretation is definitely what happened.

Also, any reason you don’t have the psychology degree on your resume? There might be good reason to leave it off, but if you ever bring it up in an interview, you need to quickly explain it’s not on your resume, or people are going to be confused.

3. Former boss is asking me about assignments I don’t remember receiving

I left my previous job in the midst of COVID-19 in March to start a new position halfway across the country. My boss at my previous workplace was great — very supportive, clear communicator. She assigned work, and I would complete it well. I would usually submit work on time (95% of the time). My boss was very happy to be my reference for the position I’m currently working in.

Fast forward to four months later. After months of not hearing from her, she is now emailing me (four times in the last two weeks) asking me for the file location for work that she claims she asked me to do that I never submitted. I have no recollection of her assigning this work to me. It would be out of character for me not to complete work as assigned, even on my way out the door. However, COVID-19 and moving across the country was stressful and weird. It would be out of character for me but I suppose it is possible this work was assigned to me and I didn’t do it (although I have no memory of that).

Is it unreasonable that she’s contacting me to ask where this work is four months after I left, seemingly irritated that she thinks I didn’t do what she asked? If it’s not unreasonable, what do I do? I have no access to my previous files. If she did ask me and I didn’t complete the work as assigned, I wish she could have contacted me sooner because wow I don’t remember much pre-COVID. Should I worry about my reference now around this?

It’s not unreasonable for her to ask about the location of one or two items a few months after you left in case you happened to be able to easily answer, but it’s not reasonable for her to sound irritated if you no longer remember (and four separate queries is too many).

I wouldn’t get into “hmmm, maybe I didn’t do it, it’s possible, I’m not sure” — that won’t serve either of you well! Instead, say something like, “I really wish I could help! So much has happened since I left that I don’t remember many specifics about projects I did for you before I went. I know I tried to be vigilant about getting everything done and it was really important to me to leave everything in good shape — but at this point I don’t have many of the specifics still in my head. I’m sorry I can’t help!”

As for how much to worry about it affecting your reference … it’s hard to say with certainty. If you’d always done good work and you sent me that email, I’d be inclined to just move on (figuring it was on me for not looking for the work sooner). Some managers would be more put out. If she knows for sure that she assigned it (for example, if she still has emails she sent you assigning the projects) and the work was important … well, she still should have looked for it earlier, ideally before you left! I can’t speak to how reasonable she is or whether it will affect her reference, but I can say that it shouldn’t, at least not unless there are more details than what’s here.

4. Should we offer severance to a belligerent, hostile employee?

I am a board member of a condo who recently had to fire our resident manager for a belligerent, profanity-laden outburst during a zoom board meeting. He has not been doing his job and has been suspected to be drinking or have been drunk while working (although no proof). He has gotten into heated arguments with owners. To further complicate things, our property manager has not done his job by documenting his complaints and appears to be protecting him rather than the board/owners. The property manager is pushing for some sort of severance for good will however the board is opposed to it. We feel we have a termination with cause for insubordination (lots of “F” words directed at us and calling names). What is your suggestions on whether we need to pay severance in this instance? He is talking to a lawyer regarding a possible hostile workplace or wrongful termination lawsuit.

As a general rule, it’s both kind and wise to give when you let someone go, because (a) it’s the right thing to do when you curtail someone’s source of income, (b) it’s likely to make your other employees feel better about the situation, and (c) you typically have the person sign a release of legal claims in exchange for the payment. The first two aren’t as compelling when you’re dealing with such egregious behavior (as opposed to, say, firing someone whose work just wasn’t up to par even though they were trying), but that release of claims is always a good idea, especially if a hostile workplace claim might have any legs. (Even if it doesn’t, you might not want to deal with the hassle of a lawsuit you expect to eventually win.)

Talk to a lawyer though. If he’s speaking with a lawyer himself, it’s likely that he’ll try to negotiate any severance you offer for a higher amount, and you should have a lawyer guiding you on your side as well.

5. Grouping jobs by functional area on your resume

I noticed that you’ve written about college career centers not being so helpful to students in their advice and how hiring managers dislike functional resumes. I have a question that combines these two things: my college career center advises students to organize their work experience on their resume by creating functional headers with experiences listed reverse chronologically below. (For example: as someone with a lot of editorial experience looking for communications jobs, I’ve been advised to create a “Communications Experience” section with my past relevant internship/job experience listed in reverse-chronological order below the heading. I also have one with “Project Management Experience.”) This format still involves listing out specific companies, positions, and dates—it’s just not lumped under one large “Work Experience” section.

Is this a new phenomenon that’s acceptable? Or just a mutation of the functional resume that still frustrates hiring managers?

That’s fine to do! The functional resumes that are awful are the ones that list skills and accomplishments without connecting them to specific jobs — just a list of things you did, without any context about when you did them or who you did them for. That makes it impossible to assess your experience in the way hiring managers want to, and looks like you’re hiding something. But what you’re describing is fine; it’s the same thing as a chronological resume, just with the jobs grouped according to subject area.

That said, I question whether it’s really serving you. It can make sense if you have a lot of varied experience and want to highlight one or two areas over the others. But if you’re a student or a recent grad, it most cases that will be unnecessary and will just make your resume a little harder to follow. If you have some specific reason to do it this way, then carry on — but if your career center is just telling everyone to do this, then ignore them.

HR director’s wellness program is invasive and sexist

how to respond to comments about weight in the office

I don’t get to go on my office’s weight loss reward cruise

we got weight loss tips for Women’s History Month, interviewer thought I was lying, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

This content was originally published here.

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inspiruseducation · 4 years

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Study Abroad & Your Career Will Thank You

In November 2010, on a cold wintry morning I was standing on an anchorage on the Magellan Strait in Punta Arenas about to board a German research vessel. There was nervous excitement in the air as I walked towards the ship. The heavy gusts of wind, the overcast sky, the smell of the briny strait and the stench of decaying seaweed brought about an uneasy calm in me, much like before a storm. Among all the thoughts running through my head of what the next three months will bring forth, I was most excited of the icebergs that my colleagues and I will encounter on my way to Antarctica passing through the stormy Southern Ocean on the R/V Polarstern.

I had felt the same nervous excitement, in August 2004, waiting to board my Lufthansa flight from Delhi that will take to study abroad in for Germany at the Jacobs University Bremen. The anxious tinge on my face and the edgy beating of my heart was not because this would be my first time traveling abroad, but rather I was traveling alone without my family members accompanying me. All the communications with the university was through email. My host family, who I have never had a word before or even know their name or what they look like, would have received me at the airport in Bremen. All the arrangements seem very un-Indian and yet I was excited to experience something new.

As soon as I got my visa and passport checked, passed the airport security protocols of an international traveler, I sat on the airplane wishing myself to sleep to be fresh for all the things to come. I landed in Frankfurt and at once, I noticed the alien weather, odd language, tall, fair and big people, somber food, pink money, green and yellow direction signs and funky electronic billboard advertisements. I decided to explore the airport as I had a few hours before my next flight and got on the sky train. I noticed very soon that the flight gate numbers reached triple figures and it was getting difficult to find my way around. To put it plainly, I got lost.

Fast forward to a frantic run at pace and illegible spurts of huffs of broken German asking for directions, I did manage to board my connecting flight to Bremen, much to the chagrin and amusement of the Lufthansa flight host. As I sat on my seat and broke in to a sigh of relief, little did I know that it was the start of multiple such assays, prepared to test the core of the international student characteristics in me!

I landed at the airport in Bremen, but there was no sign or presence of my host family.

The bag handle broke somewhere midair, I presume for forcefully stuffing 30 kilos of my belongings. The orientation emails from the university were very organized and told me how to reach the university from the airport in such a situation, but being in a foreign land and in that jiffy I was unsure of how to read the metro and train maps to reach Jacobs University Bremen. I made some enquiries but it was too complicated, which I later found out it indeed was! It required me to take 2 metros, a 20-minute train ride, a bus trot and short 10 minute walk.

Instead, I started profiling prospective international students who might have landed at Bremen airport to study at Jacobs, and therefore maybe find a way to hitch a ride with their host family. On my third conversation with strangers, much to my relief, I did find one student from Ghana in Africa, who was heading the same way.

I landed on a Sunday when university officials were mostly away and offices were closed, except for a few student volunteers and the university guards. I was given my room key and the guards showed the direction towards my accommodation. My transponder key read D-211 at the Mercator Building, which I later discovered was recently erected, and was the root cause of further stress for the day. Even with the help of the student volunteer, I could not find Block D in the building. After searching for about an hour in the stinging rain, and coming up trumps with Block A, B, and C the umpteenth time, we decided to go back to the main gate to complain about its inexistence. Luckily, a Masters’ student from China showed us that Block-D is very much an integral part of Mercator; and is the connecting blocks of A, B, and C, (duh!!) and are usually reserved for the Master’s students. I had no complaints, as the room was bigger than the rooms given to Bachelors’ students and was single occupancy.

The next day, during the academic orientation with my academic advisor, I discovered that I was registered for the Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Major and not my preferred Earth and Space Sciences. It did not however take long to change my Major and my international student journey was finally underway. Or so it seemed! Whether good or bad, ups or downs, I have never had an uninteresting day in my time as a student globetrotter.

From my orientation week at the Jacobs University until the day in 2010 on the anchorage, it had been a learning experience like never before. I was able to travel to 30+ countries, interact with people from 150+ nationalities, learn a new language, try multiple different cuisines, research about Earth’s past and its climate, explore the cold ocean in the Arctic and Antarctic regions, and achieve a UG degree.

Most importantly, I failed multiple times at things that I tried and classes that I took, but I passed even more times.

I also learnt to teach English as TESL / TEFL and learnt how to mix drinks professionally, to earn my pocket money.

I also lied in my CV that I know programming to get that summer job at the university to make ends meet, and crammed learning programming late into the night while I was impersonating an expert programmer during the day at the job.

I took classes in Renaissance Art and Architecture, Victorian Poetry, studied about Biochemical Engineering, Drugs and Naturopathy, Astrobiology, as well as Psychology of our Senses and Perceptions and Decision-Making, along with my core courses in Earth and Space Sciences.

I learnt how to drive a boat, use a crane on a liner and swim with Jellyfishes and Seals without incurring their wrath.

I learnt that during long sea expeditions, you could get fresh food for only about 2 weeks, and live the rest on meat, pasta and cold cuts.

Through my friends from the humanities majors and social outreach work with the UNICEF, I also learnt how the United Nation works and how countries such as Germany and the Scandinavian countries plan their budgeting and investment in education research programs, which the whole world is trying to emulate.

I heard lectures and talks from Nobel Laureates and other famous people and I watched the Champions League and World Cup football games live.

I was also penniless many a times and sometimes survived on eating just rice, onions and tomato puree for whole weeks on end.

I learnt the value of banking and financial security, as much as, the pitfalls of spending too much money through credit cards.

I learnt about student loans and about how to pay them back, slowly but securely.

I learnt that it is important to keep up and find time with your hobbies and passions, whether it is chess, theater or cricket.

I learnt that good research is gold and written communication is diamond.

Even more so, speaking articulately and networking is platinum.

I learnt that human emotions are fickle and true friends are hard to find.

I learnt about various religions and about atheism through the perspective of friends and acquaintances who follow them.

I played cricket with my other South Asian friends, from Pakistan, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka.

I learnt that living away from home for a long period would make you question your own families’ beliefs and culture.

But no matter, how far you are, I also learnt that your family will always remain your biggest and most important support.

I learnt that honesty is strength.

I also achieved an MS degree from the public University of Bremen in Germany, where education was free of cost.

Earlier in 2012, again and for the third time, I was feeling the same nervous excitement, as I stood at the Guwahati airport, having returned from Germany to India for an indefinite period. I was unhappy because the PhD program that I wanted to embark on, did not work out for political reasons, and I sought time in the security of home. The warm and humid breeze, the thundering sky, the smell of the wet earth and the stench of spices and cow-dung brought about an apprehension of whether I will succeed, having come back to Assam after 12 years away. Among all the thoughts running through my head of what the next few months’ sabbatical will bring forth, I was encouraged and comforted by the thought that among all the skills I have learnt in my time away from India, adaptability and flexibility has been the foundation of them all. I was thus prepared to face all challenges head-on through an international perspective.

Eight years have passed since my study abroad in Germany experience, and I have only stopped to reflect on what I should be doing to find solutions to my challenges at hand rather than rummage deeper on my problems. This philosophy has helped me stabilize my journey in exploring my pedigree in education and counseling. In my time as an international student, I have always learnt that today I should be a better version of myself from yesterday. Therefore, one must always think big and create a dream big enough that your community can thank you for it. My dream is to bring such worldly awareness of opportunities through education and counseling to not just the North-East of India but the entire South-Asian region. This steadfast philosophy has catapulted me straight from being a teacher, to a counselor, and now to an Entrepreneur of sorts. I can only thank my international student experience that gave me the belief and foundational support.

Should I have studied abroad in Germany? Unapologetically, a definite Yes!

– @Abhinav B Gogoi

Vice President – Eastern India | Inspirus Education

Email – [email protected]

#StudyAbroad StudyinGermany UGinGermany MSinGermany

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scripttorture · 7 years

Text

Starvation Part 1: What it does to individuals

Part of the reason this post has taken so damn long is because from a writer’s point of view there’s a lot to cover. I started out trying to fit everything in one post and it really wasn’t working out.

So instead I’m splitting it in two. We’re going to start by talking about starvation at an individual level. How much people need to survive, for how long and what starvation would do to your character.

The next post is going to be on mass starvation: famine.

How much food is enough?

The figure I see quoted most commonly is 2,500 kCalories for an adult man and 2,000 kCalories for an adult woman. The difference is presumably based on the assumption that men are physically larger.

The World Food Programme gives 2,100 kCalories per person per day to those completely dependent on food aid. (When people have access to some food but not enough the WFP gives less food aid and judges this based on each situation).

The World Health Organisation relates calorie requirements for severely malnourished people to body weight (with the caveat that variation can be up to 30%). For adults of 19-75 their figure is 45 kCalories per kg of body weight; higher calorie intakes are recommended for younger teenagers and children.

Those are all estimates of what people should get.

Human beings are capable of surviving for prolonged periods on much less. In Belomor, an early Soviet Gulag, the forced labourers were given around 1,300 kCalories a day (Snyder), and in China during Mao’s famine peasants could expect between 500g-150g of grain a day* (Dikötter), depending on how valuable they were judged as being.

Depending on their level of physical activity people can survive for months or sometimes years on diets that are a little over half the normal calorie intake.

The volunteers in the Minnesota Starvation Experiment lost 25% of their body weight and were kept on a severely restricted diet for six months. The people who set up the experiment deemed this length of time safe.

Your characters can realistically survive in a severely malnourished condition for a pretty long period of time.

What does starvation do?

Along with a host of physical changes starvation also seems to induce a particular mind-set and group of psychological symptoms. It’s really important to include both in your writing in order to really capture what’s happening to your character.

Physical

· Weight loss

· Reduction of muscle mass

· Growth of body hair (this compensates for loss of fat to keep the body warm, it is often curly like pubic hair)

· Pain

· Measurable decrease of physical strength and speed

· Lack of coordination

· Hair and nails become brittle

· Bones become weaker

· Menstruation stops

· Victims often appear paler or ‘ashen’

· Skin is less elastic

· Dry mouth, tongue and absence of tears

· Inability to regulate body temperature (victims become dangerously hot or cold very easily)

· Moving too quickly, especially getting up or sitting down, can cause fainting fits

· Swelling in the legs, similar to the edema observed in stress positions.

· In children growth is halted, a condition known as ‘wasting’.

· Poor circulation results in cold hands and feet, in serious cases a weak radial pulse.

· Prolapsed uterus may occur, which can vary from the uterus sagging below the cervix to parts of the uterus becoming visible outside the vagina

· Bloating of the abdomen called oedema (this happens in severe cases; a character in this condition may not survive)

· Diseases/conditions caused by lack of nutrients, anaemia, rickets, hypoglycaemia etc

· Multiple organ failure as the body cannibalises itself

There are also additional physical problems that, while not directly caused by starvation, are more common in severely malnourished people. These include:

Infections, both bacterial and fungal

Disease, particularly diarrhoea, but other infectious diseases are also more common and kill in larger numbers (an estimated 10-15% of deaths during the Chinese famine are attributed to typhus, typhoid and fevers)

Pneumonia and dysentery seem particularly common in famine conditions.

Parasitic infections, especially helminths and other intestinal worms

Psychological

I think the best way to start this off is with some quotes from the men who volunteered for the Minnesota Starvation Experiment. The men were conscientious objectors during World War 2 who wanted to help the millions of people being deliberately starved at the time. They voluntarily starved themselves for six months under the supervision of several doctors, leading to a new and better understanding of the effect starvation has on the body and mind.

These are their words, their summary of what starvation felt like.

“The time between meals has now become a burden. This time is no longer thought of as an opportunity to get those things done which I have to do or want to do. Instead, it's time to be borne, killed until the next meal, which never comes fast enough.” Month 1.

“I purchased a tube of toothpaste yesterday. Finally got around to using it for the first time last night. Had a desire to eat the paste, but controlled it.” Month 3

“Received a new insight and shock as to my physical condition today. Tried to play table tennis for the first time in four months and was amazed at the amount of effort it took to hit the ball. Also the lack of co-ordination and poor response of the arm. I had no idea co-ordination would be so poor.” Month 3

“This week of starvation found me completely tired practically every day. If they want to get any more work out of me, they're going to have to feed me.” Month 4

“Last week was unquestionably my toughest. I had hunger pains every day. Tuesday afternoon I had to quit work because the pains were so bad.” Month 5

“Stayed up until 5:00 A. M. last night studying cook-books. So absorbing I can't stay away from them.” Month 6

Below are the main psychological effects of starvation. The majority of these symptoms affect every starving person to a severe degree. They create a mind-set peculiar to the starving which can only be relieved by food and recovery.

Apathy

Lack of concentration

Obsession with food

Lack of sex drive (in sexual people)

Reduced ability to care for others and show empathy

Extreme lethargy and lack of energy

Lack of motivation

Emotional ‘blunting’, a lack of emotional response

‘Dejection’ and symptoms similar to mild depression

Lack of confidence

Irritability that coincides with apathy and lack of interest, leading to a switch between extremes. Listlessness followed by sudden outbursts.

Constant frustration

Outbursts of bad temper, especially when waiting for or around food

Severe mood swings

Anxiety, even when there is a secure source of food

Restlessness

Alienation and animosity towards strangers

Less care taken over personal appearance

There is no drop in intelligence in adults, but lack of concentration and focus makes learning difficult

Children who are starved in the first 2 years of life perform worse in schools

Indecisiveness

Forgetfulness

During recovery some of the emotional and psychological symptoms of starvation persist. This is temporary but it’s worth keeping in mind if you’re writing someone as they get better. They’re likely to recover their normal energy levels well before they gain control over their mood swings. As a result it should take a character a while to adjust to behaving in a normal, socially acceptable way. They may be more aggressive for a short time when they start eating normally.

It feels like there is so much more to say here. There are a lot of points that I’ve only touched on.

But the aim is to give a summary, an overview which hopefully paints a picture of the experience of starvation and will help you write it.

Sources:

World Food Programme

-If you like my work please consider donating to the WFP, their global funding was cut recently which is having a detrimental effect on famine relief worldwide.

World Health Organisation

-These are their guidelines for identifying child malnutrition.

-These are their guidelines for managing malnutrition generally (1999)

Men and Hunger: a psychological manual for relief workers by H S Guetzkow, P H Bowman, A Keys, 1946 (The Minnesota Starvation Experiment)

-This is not the full text but the 70 page summary sent out to relief workers immediately following the experiment. Highly recommended, this covers all the important psychological and physical points necessary for an author writing a starving character. However it does contain some racist and sexist language common during the 1940s when it was written.

Mao’s Great Famine by F Dikotter, Bloomsbury, 2010

Bloodlands: Europe between Hitler and Stalin, by T Synder, Penguin, 2010

*Note: the calorific value of the food given to people during the famine in China is unclear. Measurements were in weights and volumes so like for like comparison isn’t possible.

Edit: Gentle reminder that I am not a doctor and information on starvation should never be taken as diet advice.

Disclaimer

#tw torture #tw starvation #tw famine #tw genocide #starvation #psychological effects of starvation #physical effects of starvation #reduced diets #Minnesota starvation experiment #China #World Health Organisation #World Food Programme

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